#i mean its gonna be sad. but also the sadness is her becoming a horrible person when she used to be decent

[gay-jesus-probably]

yknow how i mentioned I'm thinking of writing a spite fic that's just TOTK but the narrative is allowed to acknowledge that imperialism is really fucking evil? Yeah so I might be outlining that fic and let me tell you i have Plans. I've now got a whole backstory about the Gerudo sage, namely what kind of person she must have been to be in the position to meet Rauru and Sonia (aka accompanying Ganondorf to Hyrule Castle, meaning someone he put a lot of trust in), while also being the kind of person that Rauru and Sonia would consider a viable option for a Sage (aka someone clearly opposed to Ganondorf). That's an interesting contradiction, and made me wonder why this woman would be part of Ganondorf's inner circle, but also look like his political opponent on a surface reading, and I wound up following that to the logical conclusion and now her story is making me really, really sad.

Also I found the helmets worn by the four non-royal sages to be really ominous and creepy, along with their complete lack of names, personalities, and that one scene with the four of them spontaneously swearing eternal loyalty to Rauru with zero prompting yet still speaking in perfect unison. That has Implications. I have done things with those implications.

Oh and I thought it was kinda bullshit that Sheikah are completely brushed off in this game, so I dug into wtf is going on there. I mean, it's weird that to fight a war against the Gerudo, Rauru decided that it would be a good idea to try recruit a Gerudo woman to fight against her own rightful king, instead of like... recruiting a Sheikah, y'know the people that can be trusted to be diehard supporters of the Hylian throne. That's a really weird absence, and I've decided that the fourth sage was originally a Sheikah, and they wound up turning on Rauru (over legitimate greivances!), and the resulting backlash caused the split that formed the Yiga Clan, AND caused them to be allied with Ganondorf.

[be-good-to-bugs]

why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel

[alottiegoingon]

hc!friends to lovers

shauna shipman x gn!reader

summary: going from friends to lovers with shauna

warnings: mentions of jealousy, shauna being slightly toxic when it comes to her feelings, fluff, no nsfw but characters are always aged up, not proofread

୨୧ being friends with shauna shipman was like having a second shadow, she was always glued to you. you didn't mind, you liked having her always by your side

୨୧ shauna always knew she had feelings for you since the day you met but would rather die than admit that

୨୧ she got accepted into brown university which means that shes really smart so you had your own personal tutor

୨୧ "this is so easy, i can't believe you don't understand that," she mocks you, a smug grin on her lips. you were friends with shauna for long enough to know that she wasn't the most extrovert person in earth but she loved to tease you over small things

୨୧ "not eveyone is as smart as you, shipman!" little did she know that you were hiding your aced tests under your bed while putting on your best show to pretend you sucked at math just to listen to her

୨୧ even if you weren't much of a extrovert, shauna was worse. she would cling to you in parties like a lost puppy and would panic if had to stay by herself for a few minutes while you grabbed drinks or said hi people

୨୧ however, that didn't mean that she didn't praise some alone time.

୨୧ shauna seems to be a lonely girl and a people hater (shes just like me fr) and she would always be reading something. when she was alone, she was also busy girl with her most loyal friend; her pencil

୨୧ she would write about you on her mf journal 24/7!!! it didn't matter if it were good or bad things, she would go from cursing you and your entire family to calling you beautiful words and rant about you being the love of your life

୨୧ very very very jealous. can kill someone just with her angry gaze if they look at you in the wrong way or act too friendly (only got worse after you started dating)

୨୧ shauna would never, ever discuss her feelings, so if she felt jealous, angry, or upset, she would become a ticking time bomb, unpredictable and ready to explode at any moment

୨୧ would 100% say the meanest and cruelest words to hurt you on purpose, looking into your soul. my girl has some anger issues ok...

୨୧ she regrets all of it later but is sooo embarrassed to apologize, stuttering and struggling to look you in the eye. it's not like you could stay mad at her when she looked so cute...

୨୧ being friends with shauna had a great advantage; she had a car. you had made her your personal driver and she would always find a way to complain

୨୧ "i'm not your butler, you know," she rolls her eyes after agreeing to drive you to the mall. and then at the beach. and at the bookstore and the movies and the ice cream shop

୨୧ she was always making disapproval noises and acting annoyed but you knew she enjoyed driving you everywhere when she would act pissed if someone else did that

୨୧ "are you gonna sleep at school tonight?" shauna asks as she notices you not following you to her car. she was so used to drive you home that it was a natural thing already

୨୧ "you're so funny," you taunt her. "you're free today. lottie's going to give me a ride to the mall. i need her help to buy new clothes."

୨୧ "oh, okay," she forces a smile. "good, cause i hate driving you all the time. that's great," and its just shauna and her sad brown eyes against the world on her way home to write horrible things about you two and draw lotie with devil horns and a mustache

୨୧ in the classes you shared, she always sat by your side and paid no attention to them. she was too busy staring at you

୨୧ if someone was being annoying by always asking dumb questions, she would be so stressed. constantly bitching about it with whispers in your ear. but then if you asked the professor why the sky's blue she would be the first one to keep an eye on everyone and see if any of them was mocking you

୨୧ during mari's birthday party, shauna decided to play seven minutes in heaven with you and a bunch of "stupid drunk weird idiots" (more like forced to because she didn't want you to be out of her sight)

୨୧ coincidentally, she turned out to be your partner for the game. panic flashed in her eyes, and her cheeks flushed crimson as she heard her name paired with yours

୨୧ "we don't have to do this if you don't want to," you whisper, you and shauna exchanging awkward looks inside the closet

୨୧ "it would be so weird, don't you think? we are friends," a sheepish chuckle fell from her lips. yet, she takes a step closer

୨୧ "so weird," you nod, your fingers brushing against shauna's by chance, yet she made no move to retreat. instead, she timidly intertwined her fingers with yours

୨୧ "but spending seven minutes locked in here seems like a bit of a waste. it's just a game anyway, right?" her words incresed your heartbeat, your gaze flickered to your entwined hands as shauna drew nearer, her nose was inches away from touching yours

୨୧ "and it would be just a one time thing. and for the sake of our friends too, we don't wanna ruin their game," you agree, adding to her comment, lips grazing against each other

୨୧ "you're right," she murmurs, her hot breath tingling against your skin

୨୧ judging by her shaky voice and unsteady stance, it seemed that the scary shauna shipman was more nervous than you. offering her a reassuring smile, you reached out to stroke her cheek, drawing her closer until your lips met in a tender kiss

୨୧ thank god because she would not have the courage to kiss you or ask you out, only if it happened during a fight and she was so full of anger that would just force you to shut up by crashing her lips into yours

୨୧ it soon became clear that it wasn't just a one time thing. no questions asked, kissing shauna shipman became a habitual affair and, just like that, you were dating

୨୧ if shauna was jealous before, she was a green eyed monster now. extremely protective and would make it obvious by always touching you in some way. a hand over your body, a caress on your face, kissing you like she was about to devour you in front of everyone and holding hands were just a few examples

୨୧ shauna could be shy in the first weeks but then she would call you pet names like sweetheart or baby (like when she called lottie sweetheart in that episode 😔)

୨୧ and you were completely fine with that cause calling her sweet and cheesy pet names ever was your thing; honey bunny, cupcake, pumpkin, sunshine, buttercup, the list was endless

୨୧ your favorite part about it was to watch shauna's cheeks getting rosy in a matter of seconds whenever you affectionately called her those names in front of your friends. she'd act all shy but the moment you left to grab some food, she would tell the others to fuck off

୨୧ shes just a girl 🎀

[bonefall]

How do you feel about "character joins bloodclan" aus? Im curious about ur thoughts since youre really in tune with the themes of the series but personally i just hate them bc its ALWAYS aimed at 'unfortunate' characters and always ALWAYS ignores the fact that bloodclan is a horrible place in-canon and that they're just reflavoring the abuse and trauma the characters qent through to be more emo or goth themed.

Ravenpaw is ALWAYS a prime target for this and its like. Great. You took the character being abused by their mentor figure and is being harmed from the violent culture the clan has generated... and giving them an EMO mentor figure who will inevitably abuse them and harm them as a result of the violent culture the emo clan has generated. Sasha is another one I've noticed- you've put the woman who lost her kit and is struggling to survive with the others while being controlled and abused by someone who sees her as an outsider (aka alone and easy to isolate), and are gonna put her in a faction who specifically separates kin from one another to easily control them and who have canonically tried murdering those who stick with their family. What was gained here.

Like i know bloodclan is revamped in ur au (thank god for it) but in canon bloodclan is HORRIBLE. People ignore that in favor of putting their favs into bloodclan bc bloodclan is cool and killed tigerstar that one time bc of revenge. Ravenpaw becomes Scourge AUS are SO SO SO much worse bc of this too- sure you manage to point out how scourge and raven has roughly similar stories in their youth but you could also do something interesting and make an au where raven and scourge are FOILS and do a firestar/scourge thing, while pointing this comparison out!! Instead you just went "Ravenpaw emo now and is sad about beating up Firestar his friend" and basically kept everything the same.

Sorry im basically venting here but i just dont like how people forget that scourge in canon does NOT look out for the 'little guy', he's a murderer and abuser who wants to keep his subjects afraid and separated so that he alone has power over them. Bloodclan is not the cool strong goth group, its the group where two cats slaughter eachother over a piece of twoleg scraps, only for the survivor to die bc the food was poisonous to cats and no one knew bc theres no cohesive group that can pass that knowledge around. its a fucking horrible place to live. Im not saying that you cant do interesting "character in bloodclan" aus (a Rusty who lives in bloodclan who STILL wants to do good but is shaped by the horrid reality of bloodclan would be fun imo) but its so often used with already traumatized characters as a 'solution' or 'fix-it with some emotional issues involved' that i just foam at the mouth and howl like a rabid animal on principle at this point.

Hmm... I think for me, it doesn't tend to read that way for me when the fandom makes AUs for it. I'm coming at BloodClan from a point of really deep critique and frustration.

BloodClan's not a REAL place, and what that means is, every speck of how horrible it was is a choice the writers made to justify its treatment. It was something they actively decided, because, BloodClan was a tool to suddenly invalidate the previous 5 books of TPB so that the series could comfortably conclude there was no need to upset the status quo.

If you haven't read it before, I recommend this post I made on how Darkest Hour Is A Personal Disappointment, but anyway;

We spend a whole series on how Fireheart challenges a broken society, because he is different. Their xenophobia, how isolationism and glory get people killed, the way that Tigerstar's greatest asset is how respected he is... these are bad things. They're things that Fireheart fights for several books.

But then, in the LAST book, in the 11th inning, they introduce BloodClan. They're just evil. They have no nuance. The narrative bends over backwards to stress that this group of evil foreigners LOVES murder, hates friendship, and doesn't believe in our good god.

Suddenly, the Clan cats have to be EXTRA xenophobic and glorious to kill these filthy, murderous foreign hordes. Clan cat belief in their good god makes them stronger than the bloodthirsty barbarians. Firestar kills Scourge and we can feel happy and triumphant about it, when Tigerstar was killed a few chapters ago and given a tragic sendoff.

So, I encourage you to step back from an emotional response to how Filthy and Murderous this group was portrayed, and look at it as a writing choice.

When Tigerstar, known cat-racist and murderer of mixed-race people, is killed by Scourge in self-defense, he is grieved by Firestar and commended for his "good qualities". (and then they retconned in that it was actually secretly revenge all along, not just self defense, so this killing is extra evil)

When Scourge is killed, Firestar just thinks about how it's cool he's not going to heaven, and how all of the previously ferocious BloodClan warriors look so inferior to the forest Clans.

And so, with all that said,

I'm 100% in favor of how the fandom widely looks at this, says, "fuck that" and just makes them the Cool Goth Group. I'd argue pretty strongly that the least nuanced idea of that is still infinitely better than canon.

There was nothing there. It was literally just Xenophobia-Is-JustifiedClan. They literally hated love and friendship and banned families so that Clan cats would look good in comparison. Banned families. You don't get this level of stupid evil from anything else but an 80s cartoon.

Maybe I just don't see the AUs you tend to see (I curate my Tumblr experience very well and generally hang out in more adult-oriented spaces, I can imagine a place like Amino being mostly kids who tend to be immature. Edgelord Angstpiddle is just a normal part of growing up), but every project I see that gives me a glimpse of BloodClan Ravenpaws and Sashas come with such tweaks already assumed.

Like, these are examples I've seen,

They'll have Raven be involved with the formation of BloodClan

Scourge will actually be a character with some pity and mercy, like how he was in Rise of Scourge when his abusive siblings begged him for food, and he fed them before sending them away.

no ban on love and friendship. Lol. Lmao, even.

More of the social structure will be based around acquiring food for people in a 'harsh' environment, leading to that battle, instead of just Evil Foreign Greed (which canon!scourge only had after being almost killed by tigerstar, because he said "actually, in light of new information that you are a murderer, i need to reconsider our deal.")

BloodClan will be overhauled completely. I've seen this a few ways. Connecting them to SkyClan, or the Oakstar raids on Chelford, or even as a positive entity; a surprise ally. (VERY common with BloodClan Ravenpaw AUs I've seen).

Anyways... (Shrug), I dunno dude, it doesn't bother me that much.

[midwestemoismid]

Do you ever love a character so much you sorta steal your entire personality from them,,

<autism rant>

Cuz like I'm obsessed with Nicole from class of '09, if sorta stolen my whole humor from her, Which isn't really a good thing because shes kinda a piece of shit, the game revolves around her being a horrible person or trying to kill herself or something like that, I'm not like as mentally ill as her, but my humor has evolved to be similar to Nicole and ive sorta had this not care attitude. I've also been really jokingly mean to one of my best friends (he knows its a joke, thats our humor) but I accidentally did that to my little brother and felt SO bad lmao,, (he said something very obviously and I loudly go "yeah no fucking shit bitch" then started apologizing profusely) This other time I was playing blooket w/ that same friend and I did something that made him eat a fake burger and I went really loud "have this fucking burger you fat ass bitch" and hje just stared at me like wtf,, and the other person on the call (who I just met) was SHOCKED.

i'm not a bad person,, hes okay with me making those jokes btw

well im sorta a bad person but i'm working on that

i sorta hate having obsessions over character because i want to BE THEM. and it sucks even more when theyre a horrible person--and when theyre a girl,, cuz like i want to de-transition and become a terrible person and chane my name to Nicole WHAT THE FUCK WHY I DONT KNOW and like i had an alt acc on tiktok where i used she/her and named myself nicole and it was like a class of 09 fanpage sorta. and like i dont wanna be a bad person nor do i wanna hurt people feelings or be addicted to drugs AT ALL but like NICOLE🙏🙏🙏

this always happens when i have some sort of obsession. i dont typically have favorites but when i do its like an obsession

and like one other problem with being obsessed with nicole is i accidentally obsess over mental illness and (stuff i shouldnt obsess over), wich is really bad and unhealthy.

I gain little obsessions over certain things, like right now im REALLY obsessed with a game called "bad parenting" and it's a really really sad game. I wont spoil it but its genuinelly depressing and made me cry. after i saw it i wanted to hug my dad and tell him i loved him for being a good dad. ive been listening to the backround song on repeat for a bit, i might even draw fanart of it idk,, but i feel like i shouldnt be hyper obsessed with it

as a kid i also was really obsessed with "salad fingers" wich had a sadish theme to it, i kinda forget the plot but i thought it was interesting and how the main charecter was kinda messed up.

I also really like "little miss fortune" wich was also really sad. again i dont remember the plot my childhood is sorta a blur and i dont remember it well

"Sally face" is another sad game i liked. not gonna spoilt it but i loved the supernatural bit and there was a lot of death.

I also really love horror movies, ESPECIALLY horror movies that go into psychology. Like for example, saw is pretty interesting because its cool to see if people would rather cut of an arm or die. I know it's fake but it's still really cool.

Theres a lot i find interesting but i dont wanna sound like im actually insane lol

This ran went in so many placed i forgot what the original post was about😭 took me abt 2 and 1/2 class period to wright

If you read this all, thanks! If you relate reblog or comment (or make a new post and tag me) and tell me what charecter you relate to/obsess over

[jane-john-doe-tournament]

Jane Doe (Ride the Cyclone) Propaganda:

Great singing, also she’s literally wearing a doll‘s head bc she lost hers

do they have their soul or is it rotting somewhere with their head?

BALLAD OF JANE DOE IS SO SAD AND SHE IS GREAT AND I ONLY WATCH RTC ONCE BUT SHES NY FAVE OK

cool asf

She forgets her name after her death and has no story told in the production

She's so sweet and deserves the world. Her song (The Ballad of Jane Doe) is great.

the song goes so hard just listen to her song guys please

she literally died and her head was cut off so nobody could tell who she was PLEASE let her take one (1) W

BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZING. First she already won the tournament in the musical to regain life, as she won them over with her sad wet cat energy because she did not have a head and feared that she lost her soul. Second, she died on a roller coaster and lost her head, but stole her doll's head and thats very gender. Third, throughout the musical she is used as a vessel for religious allegory, she is an angel, she is jesus, she is a demon, she is forsaken but she is purity itself. Fourthly, she is is given the identity of Savannah with the greenest eyes after the other characters who died with her hold her a birthday party, and I think thats sweet because its probably some kind of meaning I cant see but auughfhfhh shes so cool

i mean her name isn't TECHNICALLY jane doe but we refer to her as such. she's so silly!! autism powers! i don't have a lot of propaganda tbh. i would've just been surprised had she NOT been submitted

She lost her head literally when the rollercoaster derailed. She wasn't able to be identified apart from the school uniform she was wearing.

Her name is forgotten, and so is everything about her. So she’s called Jane Doe. She’s very sweet and very creepy, but she doesn’t mean it

and im asking WHYYYYY LORRRRRDDD

I LOVE HER! she died in a roller coaster accident and was decapitated, her body not being found. in the show, her head is actually just her doll’s head. the coroners couldn’t identify her, so she was dubbed a jane doe. in the game to be alive again, she ends up being voted, her name being revealed to be penny lamb. anyways she’s a little creepy and also quite silly and she does her funny little waddle like a porcelain doll (or corpse).

She deserves it! She lost her head she shouldn't lose this too.

Not convinced you didn’t start this tournament just for her tbh

They have a great song and a true air of mystery to them. They also have arguably the best song in the musical, The Ballad of Jane Doe! I would definitely recommend listening to it >:)

—She LOST her HEAD and had it replaced with a PORCELAIN DOLL —In all seriousness her story is really poignant. No one could identify her body so she arrives in the afterlife not knowing her identity and she spends the show vacillating between depressed and angry at her situation, leading to… —“The Ballad of Jane Doe”, specifically Emily Rohm’s version, might be the most haunting solo in musical theatre history.

John Doe (Milgram) Propaganda:

well atp hes prolly not gonna be forgiven in the trials so hopefully he can at least get farther in this

in a supernatural prison full of sympathetic murderers, john just so happened to be the one corner case. neither a prisoner nor a warden, he's just kinda there! the one being officially (if not legally.) prosecuted for the crime is his alter, kayano mikoto, although it's unclear which one of them actually killed someone. after getting the verdict of "unforgiven" in the first trial of three for their crime, john is certainly being insistent on the fact that he's an entirely horrible person who killed without measure; all for the sake of becoming the scapegoat and diverting the negative attention from mikoto. he's just a little shit who would do anything for the person he cares about the most in the world and who hates himself so so bad. deep devotion? he has that. grey morals? absolutely. homoeroticism? you tell me. mainstream tumblr you would love him. also his name is like that because a fifteen-year-old amnesiac called es named him (while the events take place in japan) so do with that what you will

[eerna]

okay wait actually now that we're on the book-series-strengths-and-shortcomings-train what do you love most about tlt and tlc? (multiple answers bonus)

HOHO A COMBO

TLC: 1) Friendship not being secondary to romance!! The series' main theme is love. In the grand finale the big bad taunts the MC about love... but she doesn't use her boyfriend, no, she uses her best friend. This is made even more powerful because by all means, the best friend was meant to be the secondary love interest by all rules of 2012 YA, but NO he is JUST A FRIEND and it is not treated as "something less". 2) Team building!!!! Oh my god!!!! Building onto point 1, but it needs its own point. Rarely does a fictional team of main characters feel as natural as the Rampion Crew. This is even more impressive because the 9 of them don't appear in the same room until the end of the series. Even though the team consists of 4 couples and 1 single, everyone has a dynamic with everyone, they have arcs that aren't tied exclusively to their partner but also someone else on the team, they interact with each other freely. 3) The wide range of characters! I am a sucker for a "team of girls totally different from each other saves the world" setup, and TLC does it perfectly. I think this is one of the best YA series out there because of how much it empowers different kinds of girls. The guys are also easy to tell apart even at first read, and I sooo appreciate that at least one of them isn't conventionally attractive (anymore). 4) It's so funny. I love these books and how funny they are. They hit the perfect balance between a fun teen adventure and a heartfelt emotional story. 5) This is one of the least "Here's what REALLY happened" series I've read. A bunch of times major things influence characters' thoughts and opinions, but those things are fake and never revealed as fake, OR the characters never learn some big things that could change their opinions at all. Seeing how impacted Winter was when she realized Levana truly loved her father, when I KNOW what really happened, always shakes me to my core - and Winter never learns the truth!!! Everyone who could explain what really happened is dead!! Winter will forever go on thinking at least her father had a marriage of love!!! And why should she learn the truth, really, it would only serve as yet another sad plot twist that traumatizes her even deeper. 6) Levana. I am not usually a villain girlie, but Levana absolutely slaps. She is simultaneously disgusting, horrible, and pitiful. Usually if I like the villain it's because he has something smart to say, but Levana doesn't, I can't relate to her or see things from her perspective... But the leads can! Levana seems to carry all the trauma and complexes of our leads, but she crumbled under them, showing Cinder what she might have become if not for her loved ones.

TLT: 1) Isn't afraid of people not getting it!! Do you understand how refreshing this is to see in a mainstream popular series??? The book doesn't act like you are an idiot, it acts like you are some sort of a genius, and you feel illiterate until you realize NO ONE got it the first time around and you're gonna have to do lots of rereading and thinking to get it. This makes it impossible to get into for some people, but so what. So what!!! What matters is that it rewards those who stay and put in the work!! 2) Absolutely bonkers insane relationships. No one can be "just a friend" in these, we need 1000 different layers of trauma and tenderness surrounding everyone. 3) Pathetic women. These books are the epitome of all the worst parts of yourself laid bare. These characters act out the most shameful, horrible memories and impulses of your heart, all the while spouting poetics about the entire situation. And it is pure catharsis!! It is so rare to see female characters depicted this pathetic without it being torture porn. 4) Writing style. It's the perfect example of how realism doesn't matter if you're good with your words. No one in these books talks like a real life person, but they are all distinct from each other and filled with personality. Every book has several lines that have the power to reduce me a to a sobbing mess just from hearing them. Just. The writing style is so good that I even enjoy reading INTERVIEWS with the author, she has a way of speaking that keeps you engaged and makes her sound so smart. 5) Each book is its own thing, keeping you on your toes, but they all still feel cohesive. It also means that even if the final book sucks, I won't have any hangups about it, since I will just be able to reread the first 3. Honestly even if AtN never comes out, I won't feel like I wasted any time, because the books are so fantastic and so worth reading that the end of the journey doesn't even matter to me that much - and if you've been here a while, you'll know what a radical statement that is for me. It is so nice to relax and enjoy the ride instead of stressing over my thoughts and opinions aging badly.

[rdng1230]

More Ted Lasso Musings

Before I start let me say once again that this season has contained absolutely wonderful moments and is still a wonderful bit of light in a buuuuunch of darkness. Also spoiler warning.

Cool, so I've figured out what's bothering me this season and its that they're either showing us everything and telling us nothing, or showing us nothing (of actual character significance) and telling us everything. in the showing us everything and telling us nothing category we've got my love Keeley Jones. I feel like we've spent a massive amount of time at KJPR and I still feel like I'm scratching my head as to what they were trying to tell us. They've set Keeley up to be this incredibly competent and bright person, and when they give her her shot it all goes to shit. and I get it "you can't always get what you want" so says the song for this season's trailer, but I'm struggling to understand the thing that she got that she needed that she didn't already have. She had Rebeccas love and support, I mean she has Roy back but this does not seem like the show where the moral of a long story about her starting her own business is that she has her boyfriend back. I actually would love people's take on what you think we're supposed to get out of Keeley's storyline.

Onto the telling but not showing category we got my guy Nate the Great. He has been so totally short changed this season on his redemption arc. It is HARD to become a better person. It is HARD to admit you fucked up. It is HARD to turn against your own knee jerk insecurities and reactions. It is ESPECIALLY HARD to do that in an environment that is actively incentivizing you to act on those insecurities and reactions. So even though I absolutely believe Nate deserving and capable of these huge leaps forward in overcoming his own internal crap, I think we've completely sidelined that narrative of what's pushing him to actually take those huge leaps forward. At the end of season 2, it was clear Nate was really struggling, and I'm not gonna lie I hated the way he treated those around him, like Beard said it was "personal, and weird" but I also felt a huge amount of sympathy and compassion because no one gets that way without something horrible happening to them first. So when the last scene of season 2 happened and he was teased as this big time villain, I was sad, but not surprised. I expected him to get his redemption, but I also expected that to be a really difficult journey for him where he was likely going to get worse before he got better. So now we're in season 3 and he suddenly just makes all these huge leaps forward, they feel from out of nowhere, not because I don't feel like he's capable of it, but rather that should've been more difficult to do, and also it should've been a moment of great personal triumph for Nate! The way I think of it is imagine if Rebecca had just waltzed into teds office in season 1 and confessed about the sabotage with no context. Sure we would've believed her capable of it, sure we would've believed she deserved forgiveness, but we all would've been scratching our heads as to what made her have this reckoning within herself. they would've told us Rebecca changed instead of shown why and how she changed like what they're doing with Nate.

I actually think there's so many parallels between the relationship of Nate and Jade and the relationship of Roy and Jamie. Both Nate and Roy made stupidly bad and self destructive decisions around the end of last season. Both are in a low point in their emotional journeys, almost all of Nathan's emotional scenes have been with Jade while all of Roy's emotional scenes have been with Jamie. The thing is, that's not where their respective internal work really needs to get done? Nate already took the plunge and asked out Jade last season, and Roy already showed real vulnerability when he hugged Jamie after the thing with his dad (not that I think that means everything wrapped up with a shiny bow or anything, but just that each character has much bigger fish to fry in terms of character growth) I do think Nate and Jade have become really cute just as Roy and Jamie's scenes have felt ripped straight out of a fluffy fanfic. but do these scenes actually show us that Nate/Roy are getting better? We've already seen Nate being an absolute sweetheart with the women in his life who he loves, his mother, his niece (even if we didn't actually see her till this season it was clear that they had a very warm and positive relationship) and Keeley, so him being able to be vulnerable and open up with Jade is lovely, but not really that new of a territory. If we could just see Nate having a shift maybe with his coaching staff or the West Ham players, this would feel more meaningful because we saw him struggle way more with people he perceives as part of his own hierarchy structure. Its the same with Roy. We've seen Roy open up to Jamie in the past so their relationship, while fucking adorable, is not doing anything to address the real struggle inside Roy that he's ignoring. It would be way more meaningful to see Roy have moments where he chooses to have joy instead of running away. Instead we get scenes like where the sports pundit squad just says oh by the way Nate left West Ham, in the same way that Ms. Bowen says to Roy that he seems less stuck. Umm what? Since when? what happened? All tell and no show. Or showing only the least character growth relevant scenes and then just be like oh by the way they fixed it.

reblog and comment away because I'm interested in people's take on this.

[justcallmesolll]

My silly little top tens

yeen rambles #10

stealing this idea from the wonderful @whitestorm4prez bc originality is dead!!!!!!!!!!

anyways ive only read the first arc but most of the major shit was spoiled for me on the internet.

#10 Thrushpelt. i love him!! he's such a nice guy. i feel really bad for him for his one-sided love of Bluestar. she missed out frfr. but even when Bluestar makes it super clear she doesnt like him, does he hold a grudge? no. does he resent her? no. what does he do? become her friend instead. amazing man.

#9 Darkstripe. i think he's both the most hilarious and fucking balling my eyes out sad villain ever at the same time. dude just got fucked over most of his life. i mean i find him sily because every time he tries something, it fails horribly. but at the same time, he's got fucking no-one. he's alone. no friends, nothing. the one guy he trusted with his life turns out to not even care about him at all. i mean seeing him scramble to revive what little there is left of tigerstars plan, seeing everyone leave him, him realising that nobody was truly on his side. his last moments preaching for a dead man who never cared for him. his life being over like that. he never did anything meaningful, and he died like that. im gonna write more abt this a some point but yea!!

#8 Tallstar. his character arc is one of the most heartwarming things ever. yes, he was a shitty leader, but do ya know what? he grew as a person. he changed and made himself better. i also think him and Jake r cute and i LOVE the headcannon that he thought fireheart was jake coming to save him and his clan.

#7 Bluestar. RIGHT OK. i know i say i hate her but by god how can i not like her at the same time???? i mean all her life was just horrible shit. and she stuck through it. i know she was a real bitch coming towards the end of her life, but she stayed, stone faced and understanding to most cats around her. tigerclaw was just the straw that broke the camel's back. but most of her life she was so awesome.

#6 Cloudtail. i think hes such a silly guy!!! he's a big hot-headed atheist!!! silly guy. him and brightheart are so cute together. and yea thats it literally hes just silly thats why i like him

#5 Longtail. I LOVE HIM SM OMGGG the fan service he gets is so good. but the most important thing is his character arc. from being a bully, but all round loyal cat, to desprately trying to prove his loyalty to firestar by any means possible. longtail thinks that firestar sees him as disloyal, but firestar proves him wrong, asking him to come on the journey with him the relationship between them is so nice to see.

#4 Greystripe. what a guy. hes amazing. he puts up with firheart way more than he should have to. i mean fire is a straight up dick to him alot of the time and he sticks with him like a loyal friend. i love him hehehe

#3 Ashfur. if u cant tell already, i like villains. i like Ashfur alot actually. cant help feeling bad for him. mans had a rough time. grew up without a mother, was practically ignored by his mentor, when he finally found someone who gave him a little attention who does undeniably treat him like her mate, she just turns around and goes "yeah no lol i was just w u to make brambleclaw jealous lmao." he was plunked right on his head and left alone with no-one to care about him. the only person who slightly cared about him was his sister, and she was too caught up in her own shit to help. its the sticky feeling you have knowing that if he were just cared for right, he could have turned out just fine. instead, he was neglected and left to become what he did.

#2 Hawkfrost. i love the fan service hawk gets honestly. im a huge fan of the artwork he gets. hes cool. i like the idea of him feeling the need to prove himself to his father. but yea hes just cool thats why i like him tbh.

#1 to absolutely no-ones surprise, my #1 fave warriors character, is SOL. hes so silly. but no fr, hes the funniest fucking villain ever. he sucks ass at being a fucking warrior and he comes accross the clans and is just like "yea yk what im gonna fuck with em." he literally gaslight gatekeep girlbosses all 4 of the clans and he actually gets away with it. i also just like his whole asthetic, and THE FUCKING FAN SERICE HE GETS???? HOLY SHIT ITS SO COOL. i swear you cant make Sol fanart look bad bc hes just so fuckin cool. silly little guy!!

[licorishh]

So.

I just finished Act V of the Fontaine archon quest (aka the last one).

I am. Frankly astounded.

Like.

WOW. I am. Wow. The writing. Just. Oh my. Oh my word.

Huge frickin' massive biiiig fat 4.2 spoilers under the cut~

FIRST OF ALL, HOW DARE THEY MAKE ME GO FROM DESPISING FURINA TO ACTUALLY LOVING HER??? I thought she was a bratty little punk up until now but oh my gosh she's actually one of the most fascinatingly deep and dynamic and selfless characters in the whole game what???? HOW DARE THEY??? I was not going to pull for her at all and was gonna save for Ayato but bRUH??? WHAT??? (I also think Neuvillette should go down in history as like one of the most well-written and compelling fictional characters to ever exist, but that's just me, pfft.)

ALSO. THAT LAST CUTSCENE. WITH NEUVILLETTE MAKING THE FINAL VERDICT. I CRIED. THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL, DUDE. JUST. AAUGUGHG. The whole time they did the shtick with the Traveler watching Furina's side and Neuvillette talking to Focalors. Just. Ohhhm y gosh. The feELS, SIR. ILLEGAL.

And I already apologized a few days ago for the person I would become if Neuvillette and Navia interacted more and thEN LOOK WHAT THEY DID. LOOK WHAT THEY FREAKING DID TO ME. SHE FELL. HE FRICKIN CAUGHT HER. HE WAS THE ONE IN HER DREAM TRYING TO GET HER TO SAFETY. CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING. THERE WAS MORE THAN THAT BUT I'M TOO SPASTIC AND INARTICULATE TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL RIGHT NOW. JUST. HOW'D THEY MAKE ME EVEN MORE INSANE ABOUT THEM THAN I ALREADY WAS PLEASE WHAT

Kinda sad Wriothesley was barely there, but it was understandable considering he pretty much had the spotlight during the last few quest chains and since he was chilling out in the Fortress the whole time. It made sense. Nice to have Clorinde show up more, though :D

I am so insanely glad that I didn't get anything spoiled for this because blindly reacting to it all was just. So frickin insane. I am just astounded and so so impressed. Literally this game is only getting wildly better every second the story gets more added to it. Like I originally thought it couldn't get better than Liyue, and then frickin Sumeru happened, and then nOW FRICKIN FONTAINE HJAPPENED JUST. UGH. PLEASE. WHAT. HOW. DID THEY. DO THAT. SO WELL. SIR THE WRITING AND THE GENIUS AND THE AAAAGHH

I am amazed by how much character development there was in Fontaine. For the most part, the majority of the characters in Genshin Impact are somewhat one-dimensional (which is fine, because they're still cool), and they tend to lack significant depth. That combined with the fact that the other regions' quests have been pretty tame and really the most major moral dilemmas they've tackled were things like Nahida's predicament regarding how the people viewed her in comparison to Rukkhadevata means that a lot of the time, it's the worldbuilding that really stands out. While Fontaine's worldbuilding was also excellent, they really turned everything on its head by making the characters (specifically Furina, Neuvillette, and Navia) deeply compelling, with all kinds of internal struggles and issues that the game doesn't usually go into. I could give you a whole literary analysis on why Fontaine has arguably some of the best-written characters in the game, but I'll spare you, lol. I also love that they weren't afraid to really dig in and give Fontaine some serious issues and tragedies (Navia's father's death and how the guilt of being the one to issue the verdict weighed heavily on Neuvillette, the prospect of an entire nation being killed because of one mistake the archon made, characters actually dying for once, the issue with the Melusines being seen as outcast and being horribly mistreated, Neuvillette's feelings of being an outsider and unwelcome everywhere he goes, just, MAN).

Can you tell I enjoyed the Fontaine arc or

[sasukeless]

while i do think part of late stage naruto writing was just to wrap things up, sasuke completely forgiving itachi really just shows that he will always be the little brother. i mean not just logically lol like the personality, the little brother that looks up to his big brother and looks up to him and looks to him for guidance, regardless of how right or wrong it is. like yes sasuke was gonna attack konoha when its the opposite of what itachi wanted, but in the end its still influenced by his feelings for itachi (non rom. obviously). itachi can do whatever he wants or thinks he has to do and sasuke will forgive him. meanwhile you have itachi who also will always see sasuke as the little brother, emphasis on little, controlling him and what he does, up to the very end, never seeing sasuke as a grown person that can make his own decisions or even considering why sasuke does what he does, always clouded by his unquestioning loyalty to konoha. i think ironically people calling him a genius really fucked with his intelligence since he always thinks hes in the right (planning on brainwashing his own baby brother??).

i think it would be super interesting to see a what-if scenario where itachi survives post-war and continues this. probably not to the same degree but you cannot tell me he would just suddenly go 'ok sasuke i trust you know whats right for you:)' there is just no fucking way. and sasuke having the time and space to actually think about how his big brother is not right, not just pushing it aside to blow konoha up in grief and anger. like actually getting to work these things out and. idk where im going with this. feel free to reply publicly

u really read my mind like to me itachi the worst case of Older Sister u will ever see but sasuke also is the worst case of little sister when u actually stop to think it through because he reallyyyy would forgive itachi for all and i cant say that doesnt makes sense. im a middle child but for the longest time i was the little sister and i know whats being on the spot of forgiving the worst things from my sister does even when i KNOW i wouldnt forgive that from anyone else (not to trauma dump here but i was literally outed by my own sister to my parents horribly and even if its one of my worst memories like Ever. i really forgave her the second she did it). like of course in sasuke and itachi’s case is soooo far worse and their power dynamic is so much more messed up but it makes complete sense to me i cant lie about that. and also i find their relationship one of the most compelling things in the manga along with sns because of that. its horrible but god if its not gut-wrenching. sasuke will ALWAYS deserve better in my eyes but his love for itachi is so so big and unfortunately for him itachi also loves him the same his problem is that his way of loving sasuke is soooo bad, that in the end even if its sad to see sasuke losing his brother a second time itachi dying is the Best outcome for both cus had he kept living his way to love sasuke would just have continued to mess with sasuke’s life. Like youre so rightt had itachi survived post war he wouldve NOT been suddenly become the best brother thats just not how he ever was w sasuke, even if he didnt saw it he wouldve kept trying to make sasuke follow the life path he puts for him, but also like u said i think w itachi alive and sasuke himself growing up he wouldve also on his own began to put his foot down too to itachi Worst Older Sister syndrome. because the thing about grief is that when u lose someone you love you dont want to think of the bad memories so it makes sense after itachi’s death sasuke refuses to think badly of him even if he has all the reasons, and keeps him STILL on that pedestal of older brother and its insane but like i said. i get it

[taegularities]

Omg the first scene w the door😭😭😭 how jk felt her presence just proves how strong their connection is, it was so sad seeing how bad oc needed closure even though she knew she couldn’t handle it

“If you’d stayed just a little longer, you would’ve realised that his heart beats in unison with yours. That he felt a glimpse of your presence straight from the hallway, too, opening without you even brushing the cold of the door.”

I’m crying😭😭😭

I feel like the jk kitchen scene where he reminisces how oc made his place feel like home and now it’s just a big empty reminder of what went between them like this line broke me💔 🤦🏾💔:

“His thoughts operate in a spinning circle, and its inevitable beginning and ending is always you.”

It’s so sad seeing oc’s mental health deteriorate so fast and this horrible hole she’s put herself in where’s she’s constantly thinking abt him and the messages. I feel like jk was always a man of actions rather than words, so even though he didn’t say much he always showed her how he felt, but bc they couldn’t see each other really bc of the pap, the text messages are all she really had to hold onto and him never replying to her knowing they couldn’t see each other for a while💔💔

Jk’s birthday😣😣 can’t believe they’re gonna have to spend it apart

I wonder if their friends know more abt jk than oc in the sense of how he deals w situations bc first oc mentioned that jimin told her to find distractions instead of dwelling on the situation and Eun says she doesn’t want to give unnecessary hope, but she knows jk loves her. Do they know (or just assume) that jk may just never try to open up fully to oc, so it’s better for her to grieve, move on, rather than just hope jk might come around and explain himself? Idk if I’m expressing myself right, but it just made me wonder

“But no suffering is endless.”

Eun is such a great friend I love her 🫂

Oc really portrays how it is to live in a toxic household for most people, minus the fashion designing business mogul🙄, but you can see how much she hates being in her house and how small her parents make her feel, but at the same time she doesn’t want to completely shut them out and cut contact bc she’s aware they’ve done much for her and doesn’t want to show that’s she’s not grateful for what they have

I have a strong feeling jks painting is going to convey his feelings abt oc or portray their relationship, but I wonder what it could be🤭 they have so many sentiments, I wonder what’d he paint to encapsulate their relationship

Zara is like the older sister Oc needs in her life omg I love her❤️❤️❤️ it’s really that tough love that can get ppl to open their eyes and really see. I wonder why oc has never seriously considered moving out of her parents house, I know she’s thought abt it, but she really had the means, and maybe the issue is a lot of her money is her parents money, but like Zara said, she can find a job somewhere small and nice and she’ll make her own income and not have to worry abt depending on them anymore.

🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲

“To which he shook his head, clicking his tongue before he said, “Nothing. I just like how easy it is to bring you joy.”

It has literally become my favorite jk quote ever omg my heart

“Inch by inch, he pushed into you, telling you, “Take whatever you want, angel. It’s yours

NVMMMM WE HAVE A STRONG CONTENDER

Also the whole situation of how yoongi broke his leg has me screaming 😭 he’s literally always in his phone honestly

But this🥲

“You don’t know when it happens, but at some point, immersing yourself in their talks becomes easier. You keep drawing dozens of little things on his cast, and he never complains”

Reminds me of when she doodled on jks arm🥲

It being so awkward between them really broke me bc I forget there could ever be a moment where they’re not head over heels in love💔

Hoseok was so charming in his scenes idk🤭 I’m kind of falling for him:

“His eyes are nearly squinted shut, tiny dimples near each corner of his rosy lips. He has a reputation of casting light through gloomy clouds, and right now, you can’t help but agree.”

Likeeeeee he really is the sunshine of this cloudy day…week…2 weeks

“Hoseok angles his head… and then says, “Just. I’ve been thinking of you a lot these days.””

STOPPPPPPPP WHY AM I GETTING BUTTERFLIES?!!?!! IM REALLY TEAM JK&OC I SWEAR😭 maybe he didn’t even mean it like that

“Eun, a never-faltering jokester, adds her two cents, cocking an eyebrow as she intrudes, “Or you were hiding something bigger.

Yeah

Of course she knows.

You just didn’t think she’d mention it. A serious conversation will explode between you when you’re alone with her again. For now, your clenched jaw and fiery glare must suffice.”

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 WHAT DID I MISS

“You keep your smile on, but you feel it weaken. Hoseok is really trying. Wants to fix you, wants to be there… as he used to wish.”

🥲🥲🥲🥲 they really do share a past, I am eager to learn more

“I want you to be happy. You can’t be that with me.”

Jk is so sweet, but so dumb omg💔

“You sob into the kiss, and he breaks apart from you just briefly.

My heart is shattered and I don’t think it can be repaired. #rip⭐️

“He tells you, “Because I don’t belong to your world. My plans for the future, my life, none of it will ever be good enough for you or for your surroundings.”

Her parents words really stuck w him. I feel like it obviously affected him more than he wanted to let on that he genuinely thinks he’s not good enough for her, i remember when he used to tell everyone she’s way cooler than how the articles present her and she’s not like her family in anyway💔

I love jk but he really should’ve left her alone when she ran out😭😭 I mean I expected him to follow her, but the kiss. I feel like it did more damage than anything and will only cause an even bigger rift between them, then was there before

I wrote half of these at 3am while delirious so if they don’t make sense my apologies, but this was such a good read

I’m so sorry for the long review, but I really love this series and felt the need to document my feelings along the way

I really loved reading and can’t wait for what’s yet to come 🤭

-⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

STAR, MY BELOVED !!!! oh my god, this huge ass review? i don't know what i did to deserve you, but... *rips out heart* please take this, okay?

you're actually one of very few who mentioned the first scene! the way they felt each other's presence? do we really need further proof that they're actual soulmates? :( same goes for the kitchen scene. don't think anyone mentioned the feeling of emptiness in it, so i'm grateful that you talked about those details 🥺

and yeah.. tbh, i wrote oc' feelings thinking about my last relationship? and how it felt fighting my way through the break up. it's almost ridiculous how fast your mental health gives up on you and how every moment spent awake just... ugh, idk, is torture, kind of? which is what our baby is going through now. you're so right, he's definitely a man of actions, and the fact that she can't see or touch him anymore makes her more miserable. bc the ultimate proximity is gone...

jk's birthday !! oh my god, i'm so scared to get to this part bc 💔 a lot of little things are gonna happen and come together to Big Sadness. and the bit about their friends knowing more than they're saying? a very very interesting theory. i'm not gonna say much, but yes, definitely keep in mind that both friend groups are deeply intertwined (taeun/yoonmin...) 🤐

i love eun, too, we don't talk about her a lot, so yesss! 🥺

ahhh star, you've absolutely understood why she's not moving out yet. yes, she hates being there, but it's hard for her to leave everything behind after kind of being trained to follow her parents' footsteps? so breaking out of it is hard, but i hope she still does. toxic households aren't very yay 🥲

jk's painting... what could it be indeed ehehehe

and zara, i love her fr, bc i absolutely think as well that oc needs some tough love and someone to speak to her without sugarcoating anything. oc has definitely considered moving out! but didn't cos of the reasons stated above... but maybe something's finally gonna happen now :')

hahaha the favourite jk quotes 😭 AND YEAH YOONGI IS HAHAHA he's always on his phone so this was a little homage to it 🤣

you remembered her doodling on his arm? star, you really do have my heart 🥺

your reactions to hobi though 🤣 also.. you didn't miss anything 👀 maybe things still need to be revealed 👀 who knows 👀

the #rip⭐️ had me SCREAMING LMFAOOO you're so funny </3

so true, so true. her parents words stuck with him, which is a big reason for *gestures* all this. a big big reason for his stubbornness. and he still knows that she's not like her family, like.. he genuinely puts her on a pedestal and thinks super highly of her (you'll see in 7.5), but he just.. ugh he needs to open up more, that's it.

it's no issue at all that you wrote this at 3am, all your thoughts were probably still more coherent than mine in this very response, so don't worry at all 🥺 i'm just so fkn thankful that you reached out at all... i honestly do not take such a long and thoughtful review for granted, so :( i can't tell you how hard this made me smile.

thank you so much, star. i appreciate tf out of you, you don't even know 🤍

[ao3screenshotss]

Honestly I think about the orphan thing— it‘s just about connotations. It‘d just how we use it. And I think that makes sense, since we all lose our parents at some point, but it‘s a special case when you use them when you‘re still a child. A childhood without a parent is different to adulthood without your parent. I don‘t think it‘s about comparing pain or dismissing it at all. I connect the term orphan to child without parents, because that‘s just how we use it. I‘ve gotten corrections on my papers for technicalities as well, and I understand why they do it (it‘s just the way that term is used— so linguistically, technically that doesn‘t work. You can express the pain using all kinds of words, orphan just isn‘t one cause she‘s an adult and we only use that term for children)

(Which makes sense, because a child without parents is a special case! Everybody loses their parents at some point, but mostly once you‘re an adult yourself. Losing one as a child is also relatively common. Losing both is rare (rarer anyway), so that‘s why we‘ve got a special term. And I know it is always painful, but please don‘t say it‘s not uniquely horrible for a child, just situation-wise. I don‘t at all mean to minimize the pain of losing any loved one at any age, I mean to say, as an adult, (like a proper adult, middle-aged) it‘s less detrimental to your situation at large. I think losing both parents during childhood deserves its own term, you know?)

(I really just want to say that I don‘t think there‘s anything mean or heartless about it, it makes a ton of sense that our language is like this. Just say she lost her father; people understand that pain, of course they do.)

(Sorry that this is so long and I just keep adding more but I want to clarify why I care about this— I think it‘s really important to be careful with heavy, like, judgment. This just feels like cynicism. If everybody‘s just quick to be cynical then where‘s the world heading, y‘know? Sry for being so serious though, and I don‘t mean to be accusatory to anyone at all)

i am so sorry oh my god i had this saved in my drafts for ages i didn’t realise i forgot to post it i replied and everything- i’m just gonna post what i wrote earlier and put it under a read more cause it’s a tiny bit long

i think i kinda understand the point you're trying to make - the words that are coming to mind for me is emotional maturity. if an adult's parents died when they were an adult, they still got to experience a childhood with their parents, but it's not the same with a child who's parents died when they were children.

i was also thinking about how i don't really see adults who were orphans as a child still referred to as orphans. i think that they still count, since they did go through the experience of losing parents when they were a child, but when they become adults they're suddenly just adults and i do think it's interesting how the 'title' (not as in a privilege or anything but you know what i mean) of orphan seems to disappear even though to the person the experience obviously doesn't (makes me think about how once you're 18 the foster care system doesn't really count you as part of them but that's too much to get into)

i think all in all you're right when it all just comes down to connotations. especially if it's how we use it and how other people we know might use it. i do understand by what you mean when you say having a term for a child losing their parents at a young age, it's a different experience than an adult would have, so it deserves its own term too.

either way, thank you for sending this! it's making me sad but it's really interesting to think about!! you did end up changing my view on the word so i'll make sure to think about that if i use it again!!!

[strawtheskippy]

Hey love

First off, i just wanna say that i'm sorry i started to raise my voice. You made me very mad by putting words into my mouth that i never said to begin with, but that doesn't mean i should raise my voice. So i'm sorry for that.

I gave you a choice, between choosing a happy life with yourself and us, or a choice where you wallow in your circle of pain in suffering, and you took to defence immediately, and thought that i want to break up with you. As i explained, i don't want that. I want us to be together, because i love your presence in my life. I love you so dearly, and i only want the best for you. But i also know you, and i know you are not taking your issues seriously enough. I'm sorry, but that is the truth.

I figured this is the only way for her maybe to open her eyes and do something about it, so i told it the way i told it. I think it's the right thing to do, no matter what. And i don't regret my words for saying it. It's your choice in the end what you want to do. And it should be a fairly easy choice to make in my opinion. You take your problems seriously, and start properly working on them. It's that easy. "Yes i will do that, for me and for us". Its that easy. Yeah.

Instead you wanted to blame me by saying that i want to break up with you. And yes, it might look that way, and i can understand why you would think so, but after i explained it it should be obvious that was not my intention. Still you said in the end that i said i wanted to break up with you and that we were no more, which was not true. I'm just trying to put things into perspective for you. Like i did with your mother, so that maybe you can open your eyes and do the right THINGS for yourself.

As you said: "just because i haven't taken pills for 3 weeks and now u want to break up". No. That's not it. You have been sloppy in the past too. It's 3 times already that i can recall, where you start going into a rapid hole of even more pay and panic. And i can say them easily when it was, when they happen where you had fallen off them again and needed to buy new ones. This is obviously not good for you, being off them. But it's also not good that you are not being responsible for your own health.

I tried asking you yesterday if you took them, and you said yes. Which was a lie, and thats okay. I forgive you for it. I know fully well that all the problems doesn't come from "you not taking your pills", ofc i know that. You have your issues with your family etc which has no effect on that. But that's not what im talking about here. I'm talking about you just taking it seriously enough. Your health. For the better.. So you can become stronger and happier for yourself. If you can become happier and stronger, and get a balance, maybe you actually will see things in a different light.

When we are depressed and sad, we can't see clearly. I know that. And it's hard. I don't blame you for a second for all the things you are going through, it's so painful and horrible. And i wish i could do more so that you could be lead a happier life. But i'm doing everything i possibly can on the side, and when you are not willing to walk the last mile and don't do that. You understand it's painful for me too? What do you expect me to do, if you can't do the last mile? I'm not just stand by and watch you ruin yourself. It's very very painful. But it's nothing compared to the pain that you are feeling. That's WHY. I said the words i said, so you maybe can change and start working on it.

I only say this as i always say. Out of love. Not just out of love for our relationship. But love out of you. Nia, the person. I want her to be happy and fulfilled in life. And only you can make that choice to take action and becoming better. Cause there is not a day when miraculously everything is better. No, you need to work on your issues, and get to the root of the problem. Talk it out, and get help from people. Get understanding and validation for your feelings. It's gonna be a tough road, it's gonna be up and down. But that's how it is on the start. But eventually everything will become more balanced.

I'm really sad that you took the choice of playing a victim that i wanted to break up with you, when i only try my best for you. It's an easy choice. Maybe it's tough to hear, but it's the right thing to do in order for you to "live" and not just "exist". If you can't make the choice, and choose to be with me and live a happier life. Then that's YOUR choice.

But at least, i gave you a choice. This is not about me. It's about you. And your life.

I love you, and i wish you all the best. In whatever you do, i hope you always come out on top and is happy. You are very very special person baby. A very very special person. I want you to succeed with whatever you do, cause you deserve it. Please, take care of yourself properly from now on. Go to your sessions, take your pills etc, and work it out. I know everything will be better for you in the end. Just believe in it too, when your ready that is. I'm sorry again for raising my voice. Please don't say such foolish things in the future that i was breaking up with you, when i didnt say that. And i won't raise my voice either. Thank you for trying and doing your best.

Also wanted to say.. Happy Birthday to you love! <3 You are getting as old as me now. Your becoming an auntie already, i'm so proud. 26 Year old bald aunt, now that's amazing. Just wanted to express my gratitude towards you baby, and say that my life wouldn't be the same without you! You are the most special person ive ever met and our chemistry is UNMATCHED. We're so cute together. There's nothing like our chemistry boobie. And i'm so happy we can laugh and joke with each other. Thank you for all the good times and all the bad times that has been <3 I'm sure we will have plenty more <3 Thank you for being such a cute charm troll that we all love so much. You are seriously the cutest person in the world, and no one is even close. Except Nils :P :P :P I will send you 1000 kroner so you can buy your charles and keith, or spend it however you want. It's better i feel that i give you a gift where you can spend the money you want on something taht you want i feel. Have a great day and contact me whenever you want <3 I LOVE YOU and take care there! <3 ❤️

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Just started reading And Then There Were None, i can tell its gonna be good, got the muffin and vinelle quality to it... but... I just got to the bit where Carlisle pulls Edward and Bella aside and

It doesn't fit my idea of him. Of any of them.

I'm gonna admit I think the cullins are all horrible people (in a very "we go to church don't eat humans so that means we can't be horrible people" fake way) and I don't trust any of them to raise little Resume at all. I think her best bet is to run away and cut off all contact.

Gah honestly twilight Canon is so sad because like. I don't think there IS a happy ending for her at all and to have the vampire community be so small she's just stuck with these jerks. Oof.

So as an ask, well. Could she? Run away and survive on her own and avoid these terrible people and become a stable and well adjusted adult? Or is she doomed?

Back to reading now, love the fic, fingers crossed at least little Nestlé has a halfway happy ending.

And Then There Were None an anonymous Halloween special by myself and @therealvinelle that our followers found before the reveal.

(Look @therealvinelle, praise!)

An ask in a similar vein.

The Standard Disclaimer

Anon, as always, I must remind you that You Can Write the Fic.

If you want to see a version where the Cullens are peak awful then the world is yours. No need to rely on my work as the end all be all.

Also, like the other answer, I suspect the answer I give you is not what you want to hear.

Back to Your Question

No.

Renesmee grows up essentially in a cave. Beyond the very strange month where she was nearly murdered by the Volturi and she learned terrifying things exist as a toddler her main interactions are with eight other people.

One of them has imprinted on her.

She seems to have some interactions with Charlie that will probably continue while they remain in Forks. She might, maybe, interact with the tribe though it's very unlikely given that Renesmee is half of a crystal cannibal demon that they wouldn't want anywhere near anyone.

The Denali may become a larger part of her life later but they're the Denali so... Yes.

The only reason she gets a 'might' is the very awkward imprint thing but I suspect that will only extend so far.

Renesmee has no human socialization, no human... I guess set path is the way to put this, if she loses everyone in her life (which if she leaves all the Cullens she will) then she has nothing and no one.

Everyone she knows is through the Cullens or through Jacob and never saw her as a person in her own right but more a weird messiah figure.

She would have no idea how to integrate with human society and wouldn't find any kinship among humans who are such different creatures living such different lives.

She might push through and do it anyway, because she has nothing else, but if she's rejected the Cullens then she's probably rejected that kind of lifestyle that they had.

So she's... living in a cave somewhere.

She could leave but then what?

(And that's not even getting into the 'well adjusted' bit which is ah ha ha ha ha ha ha no.)

[tannieschim]

when the camellia blooms | pjm

park jimin x kim! reader | 1 | 2

sypnosis: diagnosed with the hanahaki disease, you had only two options - accept a deathly fate, or never love again. 

genre: au, angst, fluff, humor, friends to lovers? maybe.

warnings: many talks of death and dying, minor character death, pain, unrequited love, swearing, talks of past sexual experience while intoxicated, pining, longing, really sad reader, and lots of angst.

word count: 7.2 k

"you would die for her, for him."

"You're dying."

The two words escape past his lips steadily and breathily as your widening eyes linger on the way his hands fiddle with one another out of habit. He sighs deeply and resists the urge to avoid screaming at you and maintain eye contact out of professionalism, pushing back his slipping glasses.

"At this rate, you won't have any more than a month. Had you told me this sooner, y/n, the results wouldn't have been as scarce. But because you waited after almost a year of this, I'm afraid there's not much to do." He pushes his desk lightly to pull away from it, creating a mere distance between himself and the papers which finalized your future's passing. Reaching his collar, he tugs on his tie to loosen it before unbuttoning the first stitch as he looks at you with seemingly stray and angered eyes mixed with sympathy.

Suddenly, his sight wanders the room as he shakes his head repeatedly, scoffing in disbelief. He then smiles, dimples prominent, lip tightened, eyebrows furrowed, and eyes broken, piercing straight at its target - that being you.

Standing up, he takes off his glasses and slams his fist onto the chair's arm rest before running a hand across his hair, softly hissing.

The professionalism is now out of the drain, "You're an idiot, y/n."

"Fucking stupid. How could you not- I mean- how could you not tell me? I'm your brother! We're family. Blood. We're supposed to- we're supposed to tell each other these things and you just fucking- you kept it to yourself all these months! Ten months! And now I'm sitting here being the one to tell you that you're dying? That you're leaving me? I would've done something. I would've helped you, I- I would've killed whoever this person you're in love with is. y/n, please- I just-"

You don't know why, but you felt exhausted.

The ringing in your ears is deafening. Truthfully, you hadn't heard a single thing the minute you received news that you'll be, well, passing away. Not to mention, within 30 days time.

It's not as if you didn't already know about your condition, of course you did. Coughing soft pink camellia flowers every time you see the man that's brought you here is not exactly something that just simply passes a blind eye. You sense it, you feel it, and it hurts.

It really, really hurts.

You also felt awful for your brother. You hadn't meant for it to go this far. You didn't mean to not tell him. You didn't want your assigned doctor to suddenly call in sick and have your brother temporarily take his place. You didn't mean for him to find out this way - such a twisted, horrible fucking way, but here you are.

"I'm sorry, Joon. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to go this far. I just-"

"Were you ever even going to tell me?" He cuts you off, voice low and steady, almost afraid of your coming response.

Your eyes locate his across the cramped room, and one could clearly tell that it's striving its hardest to fight against desperate tears.

"I- yes, Joon. I was. Of course I was. I was gonna do it after this check in actually, but I guess God wanted you to find out sooner than I intended, though He could've just waited a little while longer and it would've been fine." You joke whisperingly, the heavy weight of your heart lightening just a small bit when you notice the corners of his lips twitch and his eyes faintly soften.

Regrettably, that was a lie. You didn’t plan on telling him, not today at least. Maybe not even ever.

The softening air lasts for only a second as his following question makes you hold back the urge to cough up another camellia flower slowly blooming its way to your throat.

"Who is it?"

Genuine, concerned, curious. These were all that he was.

But noticing the way your body went entirely rigid at his words and the way your hand clutched your clothed chest in attempt to shut down what you know will happen next, Namjoon's brotherly instincts causes him to naturally make his way towards you softly, taking small and careful strides towards your fragile state.

And once he's finally reached you, he gets on his knees gently in order for him to be of nearing same height level as you're sitting down, his hands rubbing the back of your hand in a comforting manner.

He does this all before pulling the trigger.

"Who are you in love with, y/n?"

two years back

"Jimin!"

You call out your brother's best friend loudly, who is currently in the midst of doing a one-man stage play in front of the mirror, "Joon's saying you guys need to get going now. Says he has a patient in two hours and wants to go over all sorts of documents before treating her."

Turning around, you scan the living room and dining room for the keys of your friend's car as your brother also asked you to hand them to him since the two always end up on forgetting it until they've already reached the car parked across your apartment's block.

You hear Jimin shuffle behind you, "Really? He wants to go over documents at- 9 AM in the morning?"

Smiling at his attempts of complaint, you nod your head softly in order to play along and answer his rhetorical question, "He really needs to learn how to drive doesn't he? Since he's dragging you along everywhere he goes."

Jimin laughs at your statement, which being an opinion, your brother would argue, 'driving isn't a necessary aspect of life.' But who really thinks like that? Oh right, non-drivers.

“I guess he’s getting too caught up in learning medicine that he forgot to learn how to officially become an adult.” Reaching above the kitchen top, you finally found sight of Jimin's car keys.

How did it even get up there? You think to yourself. It's really high up, so Namjoon must've been the one to leave it as to where it is.

You groan slightly, "Joon, can you get over here! I found Chim's keys but it's too far up high so I can't reach it. Hell I don't even think he can reach this-"

You are cut off when you feel a hand sneak around your waist, making you flinch and suddenly spin cautiously.

Eyes widened. Lips parted. Breath hitched. You let out an inaudible gasp as you come to the realization that Jimin is now in front of you, head tilted with an amused smile on his face, "Excuse you? I can very much reach this." He says, all the while reaching up behind you, inchly leaning forward. At this point, your body is being pressed up against the kitchen counter and his oh-so-very toned front.

This small action is enough to instigate a flaming abyss inside of you as you very much attempt to calm your alarmed heart.

You can feel the cuts and lines of his abs against your chest as he is now standing on his tippy toes, desperately trying to reach the keys on the kitchen top. Anyone that could see his posture would call him adorable, but your body is currently being sandwiched and by all that is high and mighty your mind can't even really process a single thing. Wait, what were you thinking just now?

"See? Got it." Jimin falls back in place as he jiggles his car keys in front of your stone-cold face, smile wide as he giggles softly, "Piece of cake, y/n."

He then proceeds to move on with his life like he didn't just do what the fuck he just did.

Clearing your throat, you blink about a million times in order to gather your thoughts. Your heartbeat is racing faster than the speed of light and your lips have become as dry as a desert. If you had gone standing on your tippy toes just as he did, you would've been a baby hair away from lips touching. The thought is enough to make you grow weak.

Yet as if something inside of you is suddenly turned on, no pun intended, you remind yourself that these thoughts are wrong. You can't be having these apprehensions, they aren't right. Because not only is he your brother's best friend, he also has a-

"y/n?" Jimin's soft voice calls out your name.

Breaking out of your trance, you turn to see him sitting down on the dining table, head tilted downwards with a small smile on his face. The sun escapes your pastel curtains as it slips past the window sill, reasoning with the current ray of golden yellow that has found its home on Jimin’s plump cheek, shining on the left side of his luminous face.

It's absolutely senseless how he can look as beautiful as he does simply by existing, and it makes perfect sense that your finding yourself to liking him more and more.

Just look at him.

You are broken out of your enchanted daze once more as dreaded words leave his smiling lips, "I'm gonna ask her to marry me."

Only then were you brought back to your inadequate reality.

“W- what?” You attempt to speak, but you notice the way your voice has suddenly become noticeably hoarse.

Jimin looks up at you with a smile, the kind that has his eyes almost disappearing.

“Sung. I’m gonna ask her to marry me tonight.”

silence.

silence.

and more silence.

Like a coward, that was all what you could muster to respond with.

And only then did you notice the velvet box on his hands, upon which he is tenderly caressing. Only then did you recognize the questionable romantic script of his one-man stage just moments earlier. Only then did you realize that the reason behind his growing smile are because of her, not you. Not because of what had just taken place.

Only then did you remember that no, you can't be having these apprehensions - they aren't right.

Because not only is he your brother's best friend,

he also has a, now upcoming, fiancé.

present time

"I already loved him then, Joon."

By this time, your brother has stood up and begun pacing back and forth the modest office, murmurs of curses towards his friend escaping past his lips, "-that small son of a bitch."

Smiling softly, you look down in reminiscence of the moments you have spent falling for Jimin. "I guess I've always been infatuated with him ever since our first meeting, but my God Joonie," you pause, inhaling a short breath in attempt to stop tears threatening to spill. "-ever since that day, when he told me that he was going to propose to her, I finally realized that like was the wrong term to use. I realized that I loved him and I just- I lost sight of everything." You cry, small sobs coming from you as you blinkingly look up to try to contain the waters forming in your eyes.

It was true. That day, when he told you about his plans to ask her to marry him, you've never felt more indignant.

Of course you faked it at first, congratulated him and consoled him into truthfully believing that she will undoubtedly say yes. But the minute he and Namjoon left your apartment, you collapsed on your carpeted floors, sobbing loudly and hitting your chest repetitively all the while cursing yourself in your head for ever even considering the tiniest of possibilities that you and Jimin could ever happen.

You also went out that night, got drunk, found a guy, slept with him, and never looked back.

Sure, this may seem like a regular night out for many, but not being the type to kiss and sleep, sex meant a lot to you.

Nothing wrong with one night stands, that just wasn't your particular chosen lifestyle. But you were wasted. You were intoxicated. You didn't know what you were doing. Had you been sober, you wouldn't have done what you did, especially with the person you did it with. So when you woke up in the middle of the night naked in bed next to a familiar face and realized what you've done, you rushingly stood up, got dressed, and left, ignoring the calls of the man you had just been with.

You went straight home and washed yourself for hours, feeling dirty and sloppy and disgusting. You can easily recollect sitting down in the showers, head tucked underneath and in between your legs, sobbing and crying loudly as the steam surrounding you from the warm water kept on worsening.

You hated what you did, and you most definitely despised the reason for what you did, - to simply get over someone else. You felt guilty. You felt ashamed. What would Jimin think? You thought to yourself. And though that truly didn't really matter, the ache in your heart kept on making you believe otherwise.

You didn't notice how your tears have fallen and stained your newly-bought jeans until Namjoon's hands holding a napkin comes within your perception.

Mumbling a small 'sorry Joonie,' you accept his offer and wipe the tears still continuously streaming down your now reddened, warm, and puffy face. As you do this, you furthermore catch sight of your brother's shadow rubbing his face in frustration, matching the groans that you also hear release from him in the background. And without meaning so, you deflate in insecurity.

Hearing the sound of air being released from a pulling force, you look up to see that Namjoon has sat back down, his elbows resting on the desk while his chin rest on his hands. "Does he know about this, y/n?"

You sigh, "No."

"Are you going to tell him?" You hear him ask once more.

Closing your eyes and sniffing lightly, you inhale a steady breath as you answer him for the second time, "I don't know, Joon."

Namjoon looks at you, eyes full of worry and concern. You don't know?

You're his sister, and he loves you. He would do anything for you. If he could shower you with all the love that you lack from Jimin, he would. And he would do it in a heartbeat. But you're dying. You're leaving him. And he doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know what to do. So how could you not know? How could you sit here, in front of him, after keeping this shit for ten months to yourself, tell him that you just don't know?

He feels frustrated. Frustrated over the clearing fact that if you don't know the answer to that simple yes or no question, then how more could you know the answer to when he asks you to make the choice?

The choice - to love or to die.

A very careful, unprecedented surgery that has been performed by professionals only a few times, yet each one has been successful. This seems easy, yeah. A surgery to save your life? Of course you'll do it! But there's a reason as to why this has been done only by a certain small count.

To perform the surgery and live, the price is not the expense, but rather the loneliness that shall come as you spend the rest of your life void of emotions. The surgery doesn't get rid of love on its own, it gets rid of everything that comes with it - happiness, sadness, trust, pain, pretty much everything that one can possibly feel. The only emotion left is indifference, yet even indifference lacks its self-sustainability.

Who would want to live like that?

Who would want to live a life where you just simply exist and nothing more?

He knows that the day will come eventually - when he offers you the choice, the chance to save your life, and he knows it will come soon. But right now, he has chosen to prioritize being a brother over a doctor. Right now, the only thing in his mind is comforting you.

"Okay." Your brother nods, making your eyes widen slightly in shock.

Okay? No scolding? No 'how could you not know?!' older brother reprimands? But then you remember, oh yeah. You're dying. And who could possibly scold their dying little sister?

"I'm sorry Joonie-" You try to apologize once more before he cuts you off again.

"No, don't apologize, y/n. It's not like you could've possibly wanted for any of this to happen, yeah?" He offers you a smile, but you could easily see past its fabricated purpose, "But instead let me ask you this. And I need you, in our deceased parent's name, to be completely honest with me."

You only nod, completely submissive and understanding of his seriousness the moment that he mentioned your passed parents.

"What you just told me, when you first fell in love with him, that was two years ago." He starts, making you nod again in agreement.

"But you were diagnosed only ten months ago."

Your heart drops, and you don't nod again.

"The Hanahaki Disease is not something that gradually begins and comes to existence over the course of time. It is an illness that is triggered. It could be by a sudden forthcoming realization or proclamation of love, or by an event that triggers the heart to completely shut down in overwhelmth. Either way, basing on the timing of what you've said, you should've been diagnosed with the Hanahaki two years ago. But you weren't."

Namjoon eyes you questioningly, but not too much to the extent that you feel uncomfortable, only just enough to remind you of the importance of this conversation, "You were only diagnosed ten months ago, y/n. Why?"

You sit still, not wanting to move, as if your stone figure would somehow make him think that you're not real or that you're a simple figment of his messed up imagination.

"y/n, what happened ten months ago?"

He finishes his question and you swallow harshly only to realize that you're parched, your throat completely dry. You then tilt your head to steal a gaze at your brother, making you catch the way his eyes suddenly widened as if he just realized something of high importance. As if he had just realized the answer to his own question. And that didn't work with you.

Clearing your throat, you are about to answer him in order to cut off his thoughts until the door swings open and you feel your throat compact, - the coughs of a camellia flower slipping its way to visibility -because there he is,

the man of the hour.

"y/n." He noticeably breathes a sigh of relief before making his way to you, engulfing you in a giant embrace. "I was so worried about you. Why didn't you tell me you had the Hanahaki? How could you not let me know? How long have you had it? Who is it? I swear I'm going to murder whoever this piece of shit is that he dared ever making yo-"

"Jimin this is a professional space between a doctor and his patient." The two of you pull away almost exactly the same time as soon as Namjoon speaks up, Jimin's eyebrows furrowing, "Get out."

"What?" Jimin barely gather the voice to ask him as he is completely caught off guard of his friend's erupting vulgar attitude.

"I said-" Namjoon speaks before getting caught off again.

"No trust me, I heard what you said. But what?" Jimin repeats himself, "So you're telling me you're not prioritizing being y/n's brother right now? You're still caught up in this Doctor Kim bullshit? Like you're a real one?"

"Jimin-" You attempt to budge in, sensing that a certain trouble may suddenly come knocking.

"No, y/n. Listen hyung-"

"No, YOU listen. You small piece of shit." Your brother raises his voice, "-don't come barging in here like you own the place or like you have any authority over her. She is MY sister and this is a family matter. So it's best you stay out of it and keep in your lane."

At this point, Namjoon is in front of Jimin, a short distance separating the two of them, "And don't you ever dare speak to me in that tone again. I know you're my friend, but remember to treat me with respect. Not only am I your superior, but I'm also your hyung." He finishes with a serious voice, tone low, and message deep. His earnest eyes piercing through his friend's pained ones.

Jimin, mouth slightly agape being at loss for words and clearly confused at his close friend's unreasonable anger, storms out of the room.

But not before he drags you along with him.

Namjoon is quick to act as he tries to reach for you, but you turn back and look at him pleadingly, signaling him that it's okay and to not worry. And him being the understanding brother that he is, pulls back and holds himself steady.

You can handle him. You’re a Kim. You’re strong.

Strong enough to survive through this.

You’ll be okay.

And as he watches the two of you leave, the door closing shut right in front of him, only then does reality hit Namjoon as his legs tremble abruptly, feeling lightheaded all of a sudden.

Falling down the floor, he reaches onto the desk for assistance as he slides his back down the wooden wall, hands painfully fisted and finding its way to cover his mouth in order to muffle the choked-in sobs perilously escaping him. He proceeds to blink away the tears and bite harshly on his lips, trying to diminish the flourishing grievance in his heart.

His sister is dying, and he doesn't know what to do.

“Doctor Kim? The next patient is ready to see you.” A knocking nurse distracts him and calls out from behind the door, “-shall I send them in?”

Namjoon sniffs heavily and sighs deeply, rushingly grabbing his glasses and adjusting his emotionally wrecked state, “One moment!”

He lets out a soft, shaky breath and reminds himself once more that you’re a Kim.

You’re strong.

You can beat this.

It'll be alright.

You'll be okay.

"IM NOT OKAY JIMIN-SHI!" You voicely whine out to your friend who is currently dragging you along the halls of the hospital and out the technologically advanced glass doors, "What is wrong with you?!" You pull your arm aggressively from his grasp as you bend down, hands resting on your knees while you hastily try to catch your breath. The camellia flower stuck just along the chords of your throat making it very difficult.

Jimin stares at you worryingly, having forgotten of your illness, "O- oh no. y/n, I'm sorry I forgot I- are you okay? Should we go back?" He stutters in concern before you hold up one finger, signaling him to shut the hell up. "-sorry."

Looking at you like this, tired and exhausted from having to put up with all his bullshit, Jimin feels a sudden urge to reach out and embrace you tightly, almost forgetting of his previous encounter with your brother.

And so that's exactly what he does.

You are caught off guard the moment you feel a hand grab your shoulder by means of pulling you closer all the while another rests just at your crook of spine, and although this first makes you stumble in a not-so-very prettily way, your destination is found to be in your friend's embrace, his fragile yet protective arms wrapped around you securely.

Not letting this moment simply pass by, you let yourself melt in his arms as you find the comfort meant to be found in his comforting hug, wrapping your arms around his neck as you slightly stand on your tippy toes. Somehow, your simple action makes him pull you even closer, one hand creeping behind your neck all the while his other is completely wrapped around your waist although this time is tighter than before.

As the two of you stay like this in the middle of the sliding glass doors of the hospital, crowds of unfamiliar voices passing by you and ambulances ringing endlessly against your ear, you let yourself submerge within the passion of your heart.

Amidst the chaos and cries of your nearingly counted days, you find consolation in the arms of the same man that has put you in front of death's door, and quite frankly, you wouldn't really want it any other way. You'll take what is given by the heavens above when it comes to Jimin, because well- you love him.

Unfortunately, that quick and simple thought is enough to make you lose control of your reminded disease.

"y-y/n what's- are you okay?" Jimin pulls away from you abruptly as you break into coughing fits, pastel pink camellia blossoms escaping your trembling lips.

The sight has caught the attention of many civilians, but both you and Jimin remain to be indifferent about them as you or more or less are occupied with your illness all the while Jimin specifically aims his attention on you alone.

"Alright that's it, screw your brother alright?" Jimin exclaims a bit louder than what you're comfortable with as this obviously did not benefit with the proceedingly growing public focus on the two of you, "-we're going back, y/n, it's my fault for bringing you outside so suddenly-"

"No chim, please-" You roughly attempt to speak out, your throat painfully extracting the feeling of abrasiveness, "Please just- let's just go."

"y/n.."

“Please chim,” you cut him off for what seemed to be the fiftieth time, coughing, “-please. I don’t want to be here any longer.”

Hesistant yet concerned, Jimin nods slowly as he assists your side, his hands finding its home around your waist and lower back while you both take short and careful strides. You destination is still unknown, but you didn’t mind. A journey a day with someone you love has never turned out for the worse.

At least that's what you think.

"Really?" You roll your eyes as you notice the familiar lane that Jimin's car just entered, "I asked you to get me out of the hospital area, I didn't ask for a sleepover, Jimin." You jokingly accuse him, but you can't help the smile that makes its way on your puffed-up face as you notice him smoothly take a side-glance at you with a knowing smirk.

"Well I thought that with all that bad hospital air, you might've wanted to breathe in a familiar scent," Jimin responds as the car comes to a stop.

You turn slightly to open the door and step out before you here a meek, "Jankkanman!" and perceive a 5'9 in height blondie come running around the bonnet in order to open the car door for you as a gentleman would. It is such a sweet and casual pantomime, yet an ill-patient diagnosed with an illness of the heart can never bring you any wins. Consequently, his actions only causes your throat to feel strained and compacted for the endless time.

God, how much did you love this man that such a simple gesture makes you want to cough out countless of fully bloomed flowers?

You thank the heavens above for your past endless experiences that allowed you to now be better in terms of hiding your pain as you attempt to smile genuinely, mumbling a small "thank you" in the process before making your way inside his home.

"So," Jimin starts as the two of you plop down his couch, his eyes seeking for yours as he tilts his head ever so lightly, "what should we do today... now that you're out of that hell hole?"

"Chim!" You scold him lightly, "my brother and your best friend just happens to be working in that hell hole, just in case you forgot, and- hey! You work there too, you ass." You accusingly point at him all the while hitting his arm playfully.

Jimin is was a nurse in that hospital. Your brother is a doctor.

He laughs and smiles widely, "Nope. I don't work there anymore, remember? But I did for a while, which is why I can most definitely testify that that place is indeed, a hell hole. And by the way, I'm kind of offended that you pretty much forgot my lost profession just then, y/n, like what the fuck?" He jokes endingly.

Your eyes soften slightly as he mentions his lack of job, yet you still stubbornly choose to ignore his last remark. "Well I sure hope that's not the case since I'll be most likely spending my last days there."

Oops.

The silence that ensues goes inevitably noticed by the two of you the moment those words escaped past your lips, but you paid no mind. That was the reason that you asked him to take you away anyways. You weren't hoping for some cliche romantic bullshit where the two of you simply elope and forget your real worries in your life, no. Instead you were here with the main purpose of facing it.

Besides, even if you did want to leave with him, you couldn't. Remember?

Jimin is the first to break the excessive blockade, "Don't say that y/n."

You sigh, "But it's true, chim."

"I don't give a shit if it's true or not."

"Chim.." You are slightly startled with his sudden outburst, caught off guard in the way his voice slightly raised as his attention and body language are now completely directed at you, "Wha- why are you getting mad?"

Jimin scoffs, almost irritated at your oblivious question, "Why? Because you're talking of dying like it's not a big deal, y/n!" His voice getting louder and louder by every word he spits out, "God, you know you can be so fucking insensitive sometimes. What, did you already forget the shit I suffered when I lost someone? Did you already forget all the fucking shit I suffered when death took her from me?"

At the mention of her, you pause. Speechless. Guilty. Hurt.

Of course you remember. How could you not? You remember the darkest of days as like it was just yesterday.

You remember getting that call in the middle of the night from the contact name of your brother as you slightly answered it in an irritated voice, "Joon I swear to God if you're asking me to drive you to work in the middle of the fucking night I will personally drag your ass right now to get a driver's liscenc-"

"y/n?"

You remember immediately stopping as you recognize the voice that most certainly did not belong to your brother, "Chim?"

"y- y/n."

You remember the outbreak of his sobs as you call out to him, his sniffles and cries becoming more and more prominent as you stumble on your feet, struggling with keeping your phone against and in between your ear and your shoulder as you hurryingly take off to grab a jacket and your keys, "Chim what's wrong, where the hell are you? W- where's Joon?"

You remember the way your heart dropped as your worst fear came to mind, the thought of losing your brother itself being enough to make you wobble in your feet, your heart clenching. He had your brother's phone, and he was crying.

"N-no, he- he's fine, y/n. It's not him, hyung's... hyung's fine."

You remember the way he struggled to find the right words; the way he sniffled and stuttered through forming such a simple sentence all the while you on the other side of the line breathe out a sigh of relief at the information of your brother's wellness, yet feeling slightly guilty that your emotions are in contrast with your friend's.

"It's Sung."

You remember Jimin's worst.

"It's Sung, y/n. Sh- she got in an accident on the way here to visit me during my off hours and- fuck! Some fucking demon pulled a hit and run on her. She was walking, y/n. She walked an hour here and got ran over by someone and.. they're doing an operation on her- hyung's assisting and he just- it's bad. It was really bad and she was bleeding all fucking over and- hyung, he- he left his phone and I didn't know what to do so I just called you- I didn't, they pushed me out of the room, y/n. I need you here. Please, please. Please come here because I'm losing my fucking mind and I need you here."

You remember driving to the hospital as careful as you can with the fear of the possibility of an accident occurring still in the midst of the back of your mind.

You remember reaching the doors of the emergency room and being greeted with a pair of reddened and exhausted eyes that looked up the moment you walked in, "Jin."

He stands up to greet you politely but you stop him, obviously seeing that his reaction upon seeing you is no more than a forced delight, "Let's not do this under these circumstances, okay? You're allowed to feel unwelcoming. It's okay, Jin."

He does no more than mumble a small 'thank you' before going back to his previous spot with you trudging along beside him.

You remember feeling the sorrow of the man beside you as you watch him lean his head back against the wall, fragile streaks of tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. You couldn't imagine his pain, the pain of such a situation where your sister's life is at stake. You wanted to comfort him, to softly rub his back and whisper sweet encouragements against his ear, little white lies that his sister is guaranteed to make it without a doubt. But you couldn't. You weren't here for him, regardless of your history. Regardless of the way you left him the morning after your supposed mistake.

"Uhm, have you seen Jimin?"

You remember the way his void eyes find yours and the way his lips lightly upturn as he gives you a forced smirk, trying to keep up with his image of being Kim Seokjin, Kim Sungkyung's handsome and cocky older brother, "And here I was thinking fate brought you here to me, y/n." He trails off, "-considering how you fucked me then dipped."

You gasp slightly and playfully hit his arm at the blunt mention of your regretted one night stand as you give him a small yet genuine smile, partly glad yet at the same time worried that he can make such remarks during a situation like this.

It was strange really, how everything in your life seemed to be connected. How on the day you felt your heart tore apart the time Jimin first mentioned his planned proposal, you went out and accidentally slept with the soon-to-be-bride's older brother.

Letting out a small sigh, Jin nods his head in the direction of a different waiting room, "He left when I came. Guess he was embarrassed of how fucked up he was but hey- I'm not doing any fucking better am I?" He tells you, subtly pointing at the very visible streaks of tears still falling down his now puffy face.

You get on your feet and turn to leave but not before giving one last glance at the man next to you, a hand softly reaching to rub his shoulder, "I'm so sorry, Jin. I wish I could stay, but-"

"It's okay, y/n. Go." Jin encourages you with a small yet noticeably forced smile, "He needs you."

And so you do, bidding him a soft goodbye before taking off, your eyes beginning to water out of the guilt of leaving a friend in that state.

You then remember being suffocated. Suffocated from the embrace that greeted you the moment Jimin entered your peripheral vision. You remember landing on your behind with a harsh thud from the struggle of Jimin's weight as he continues to seek your embrace for means of comfort, the two of you falling down the floor. You remember getting drenched from Jimin's tears as you cradle him as would a wailing child, rocking him back and forth all the while softly rubbing his back, whispering every bit of amenity that could make him feel better.

You remember feeling your heart physically ache as you fail to notice the tears that have fallen down your own eyes, blurring your sight.

To see Jimin in this state, so broken and hurt and scared, it tore you apart. You wanted him happy. You wanted him smiling. You wanted him. You loved him. And God forbid that you're admitting this in your own mind while his fiance is battling for her own life, but fuck.

You wanted nothing more than to lay down your own life for Sung so that she could continue in existence for him.

If you could, you would take here place.

You would die for her, for him.

You remember pushing back your thoughts as you put focusing on Jimin your first priority. You remember keeping him in a neverending tight embrace as he neverendingly sobs against your chest, his lips leaving prayers you could barely yet still tried to understand;

please don't let her die

don't take her away from me

i love her too much

i still have to marry her.

You then remember hearing a wail of anguish, putting a pause to both Jimin's silent pleas and your eavesdropping as the both of your heads turn to pinpoint from whom the noise came from.

You remember the way Jimin stilled.

"No."

You remember his whisper of such a small, two-lettered word, yet somehow it caused your heart to crumble.

"No no no no-"

You remember having to tackle Jimin slightly as he causes a mess of himself, punching the seats and harshly tugging on his hair all the while screaming wails of pain and suffering, "Jimin please-"

"No- get the fuck off of me! Sung?!"

You remember how Jimin lost sight of reality as he pushes you off of him, your body making in contact with the cold tiled ground.

"SUNG? SUNG! LET ME INSIDE-"

You remember seeing nurses and other staff pull the man you love back as he causes a scene, starting to become physical and violent with the people surrounding him, "PLEASE! Please- I just- I NEED TO SEE HER! SHES MY FIANCE-"

You remember seeing a man dressed in blue make his way near Jimin, a needle in his hand.

"H-hey, no!" You remember trying to catch up to the nurse, attempting to prevent them from giving whatever the shot was to Jimin, "Stop! Please-"

"y/n. D-don't."

You remember feeling a hand on your shoulder which makes you turn around instantly, only to find the culprit behind the anguished scream just moments prior Jimin's outburst.

"Jin." You start, "-they're going to sedate him. That- that's not okay."

"They have to, y/n." Another voice calls out from behind Jin, "I know how it seems and I don't like it either, b-but he's becoming violent. They have to sedate him."

"Joon." You whisper softly.

What a sick and twisted game that life is playing on you, that your brother, Jimin's best friend, Jimin's best man at the wedding being planned, is the one to give news of the bride's passing.

"Sung, is she really.." You trail off, not having the heart to finish your sentence.

It seems neither does he, as he responds with nothing but a simple avoidance of eye contact.

"HYUNG!"

You remember Jimin's faint and tired yet still firm voice as he calls out your brother, "Hyung, you saved her didn't you? You- you were part of the surgery. You saved her didn't you? Didn't you!?" Jimin is weak as he trails off his words as the effect of the syringe takes its course, but that doesn't stop him from reaching out to the three of you, "H-hyung. Tell me you saved her. P-please tell me you saved h-her."

Namjoon doesn't stop the tear that rolls down his hardened face as he only shakes his head, "I'm sorry, Jimin. We did our best. We really, really did. I'm so sorry-"

You remember the way Namjoon's voice trails off your hearing as your throat suddenly feels contracted. You remember the itching pain just within your chest as you find the struggle to breath, your hand clutching it harshly. You remember stumbling back just a little bit as you feel lightheaded, thinking that these were only from the overwhelming happenings in that moment.

But then you cough.

And you cough

and you cough

and you cough.

But no one notices you.

Not even yourself.

Your attention remains still at Jimin, who has now dropped completely to the floor, tears still continuously spilling out of his drowsy eyes. Short breaths are released from his trembling lips as he mumbles words that none of you can understand. He then begins to seemingly reach out for something, someone.

"P-please," He whispers.

And as you bend down almost immediately to attend to his calls, you cough.

And you cough

and you cough.

And still no one notices.

No one except him.

You cough as your eyes find his, barely open yet staring right at you from the lows of the floor.

You remember having to excuse yourself and run to the nearest restroom you can find, legs trembling and stumbling on your way there as you push against the winds of the almost empty halls, still coughing with every step you take. And just as you reach the doors of the restroom, you turn back slightly, just enough to catch Jimin's last sight while his body is being carried away to where you guess is a vacant patient's room, all this before his eyes ultimately close.

Eyes you found lastly staring at you.

You remember finally shutting the door and locking it, thanking God silently that you're in a family restroom hence there is no one else inside. You cough desperately, your throat beginning to feel exclusively sore and your lungs beginning to tighten from all the air being released as you cough and cough and cough again.

You reach out to the sink, gripping tightly onto the white metals as you cough and cough and cough again.

You then brushingly turn to the toilet, your eyes watering and lips numbing as you cough and you cough and you cough once more.

You practically clean the whole restroom, as disgusting as that sounds, from all the moving you made as you coughed anywhere and everywhere. You felt awful for the next person to come inside, now that your bacterium were practically in its every corner, side, and space. You cough again, this time harder, the worst one out of the previous.

You remember sensing a certain feeling rise up, something soft yet itchy, something light yet heavy.

And so you cough, and you cough, and you cough, and you cough,

and you bleed.

And amongst the red is a pink.

A single, individual pink petal from what you would soon find out is a camellia flower - the flower that is soon to be the latter symbolization of death chasing you, growing closer, inching nearer, just about to knock on your door.

So of course you remember Jimin's distraught. Of course you remember Sung's - his fiance's death.

Because her death was too, the ultimate beginning of yours.

taglist for part 2?