#i mean it’s confirmation that my belief that some people actually hate me was right but !!!! anyway i’m still tired blegh no one cares

[merevide]

officially have haters (some girl i’ve barely spoken to is talking shit about me just because i looked upset. as if that concerns her. somehow.)

[hazy2k]

dear sparklecare/sparklecrit people whatever, please leave me and my friend the fuck alone. ive known her for more than 2 years and at no point has she ever done anything to hurt or violate me. i am not codependent with her, and if she were grooming and or manipulating me i would've figured that out a long time ago /gen

and if my word doesn't mean anything, i have friends who have known her for much longer than i have. they can confirm what she's like and i bet they'll tell you that shes nothing like how you describe. none of you have ANY right to make assumptions about things going on between the both of us. all she has done is express her beliefs about coping and trauma and you IMMEDIATELY bolt to plotting against her and talking about her behind her back. because thats all you know how to do. the words coming out of my mouth right now arent even my friend's, I WAS the one who even told her about all of this in the first place. all of you are spiteful and attention seeking. you cannot go a single day without some sort of discourse to get mad at. none of you care about actual victims, everythings just a big fucking joke

"OOOHHH LOOK AT ME IM A SPARKLECARE FAN!!!!!! LADIDADADAAAAA CHIMERAAAAA DUM DUMMITY DUM DUM PREBOOT #IMPROBLEMATIC WOOFLES!!!!!!! THEHEHEHEHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! JIMMYYYYYYYYYYYY AHHAHAAAA JASMINEEEEEE"

SHUT THE FUCK UP. You are not emotionally mature. You're an irony poisoned loser on the internet who does nothing but make everything worse for everyone else. you do not have any room to speak when it comes to what happens in my life.

im sorry if im conflating people im just oh so done with this backwards ass community. cannot go a day without something like this going down in it. i hate using the label "terminally online" for people but this is literally what most of you are. do something better with your life. stop pestering us.

thank you

[shutupineedtothink]

[Theory] Agatha All Along title meaning + character arc for Agatha

Back on the theory train — here’s another thing that’s bugging me. Why is the show called Agatha All Along, besides the cute allusion to the song. I know for a fact Jac Schaeffer is too clever and too good of a writer to not make it mean something more.

I’m feeling like it must tie into Agatha’s character arc for the show, so let me take you on a little hypothetical journey here.

Spoilers below the cut!

Now that I’ve rewatched those last few episodes of WandaVision, I can’t get Agatha’s flashback out of my head. Particularly her saying, practically pleading, “I can be good” and her mother replying “no, you cannot.” Like holy shit. That’s a condemnation if I ever heard one. A different kind of curse passed down by a different kind of mother.

I’m starting to wonder… what if Agatha was always this powerful, even without the Darkhold. What if she was so innately powerful, her own mother and her entire coven was afraid of her? Maybe they even suspected her of being the Scarlet Witch, and therefore capable of ending the world itself? And because she was so powerful, and every other witch around her didn’t even want to touch her much less teach her, what if she went looking for resources herself? And whether that was the actual Darkhold or something else “above her station” (… I’m not convinced she had the Darkhold yet at the time of this WV flashback scene) that only served as the indictment the other witches needed to finally attack her?

Basically where I’m going with this is… what if Agatha was raised to believe she was bad? If she was always told she was basically evil incarnate, always feared for her power, too powerful for her own good, too powerful to be good, to anyone… her own coven, her sisters, and her mother were afraid of her and shunned her… what would that core belief do to her?

Let’s also assume her coven were the first (maybe only) people she intentionally killed (and even then, in self defense). The way she looks when she takes the amulet from her mother’s body — she’s angry, but how much of that anger is directed at herself? How much of her thought, well, look, they were right. I am bad. I am evil. And there’s no turning back now. And I hate myself for it.

Except maybe, she tries. She’s constantly trying to escape this fate, this identity that was forced on her. She never joins another coven in the centuries after, not only because no one wants her and she has serious trust issues but because she doesn’t want to hurt them, intentionally or not. She doesn’t need their power, she’s already more powerful than just about any other witch. So she studies. She learns the craft. She controls her power. And she leans into the persona of Agatha the powerful evil witch, because why not? That’s what they all think of her anyway. Let her control the narrative then. She wears her reputation like armor, so that no one can betray her ever again. As Rio says, “you’re vulnerable.” And she replies, “only physically.”

Then at some point, the unthinkable happens. She meets Rio, falls in love with her, figures out who she is (not necessarily in that order) and maybe she thinks, what kind of person falls in love with death? Surely that must be even more confirmation that she’s horrible (despite the fact that Rio is not horrible, not really, and certainly not to her). But she tries not to care, and mostly she doesn’t because she’s in love.

And then she has Nicky, however that happens, and she’s absolutely terrified but he is hers, and she loves him like she never loved anyone before. And she’s determined — he will be powerful but he will never think he’s anything less than because of it. He is finally, finally something good that came from her.

And then he too, is ripped away from her, by her own lover Death, and however it happened (even though it definitely wasn’t intentional on her part), she knows it’s her fault. Because she is evil, she is horrible, and this is her fate. She is betrayed by the people she loves, and she is left behind.

But still! She can’t give him up. She can’t stop trying. And she feels the absolutely insane surge of power in Westview and inserts herself into the Scarlet Witch’s hex, when no other witch would even dare get close, because maybe with enough power, with Wanda’s power, she can remake Nicky. (“And you wanted him back.”) She can create somewhere he’ll be safe and everyone else will be safe, and she won’t cause any more damage, to anyone. Death will never find them. She can raise her son in peace. She never wanted Wanda’s power just for power’s sake, she wanted what Wanda created, but better. Her version.

And then that too, was gone. And once again, she was painted the villain.

And now? Now it seems like all the pieces of her past are coming back to haunt her all at once. A new coven of witches who seem impossible to get along with, her lover Death who she tried to escape for so long, and a boy who looks like he might be the version of her son she was trying to recreate, who seems to adore her despite everything she is and wants to learn magic more than anything else. It’s all come back around.

So maybe, through reasons and events currently unfolding, Agatha’s journey on The Road (and the show) is to realize, or at least begin to maybe believe slightly, that she’s not inherently evil. She’s not an inherently bad person, or bad luck, or horrible. It wasn’t all her fault. Nicky’s death wasn’t her fault, even if she couldn’t save him. Death is part of her journey, as it is for us all, and maybe she can learn to accept that, maybe even love the woman who carries that name again, or at least forgive her.

Maybe this boy isn’t hers, but she can care for him and teach him the magic she never got to teach her own son. There can be a coven who actually has her back, who even sees her as their leader, who knows her and accepts her for what she truly is. Extremely flawed, powerful as all fuck, snarky and sarcastic, but the real her.

Not Agatha the evil witch. Not Agatha the villain (because she never was one). Not Agatha the hero either. Just Agatha. All Along.

———

Eh?? 🤷‍♀️

Now maybe in the show it’s not quite as angsty as all this, but Jac Schaeffer is writing this character too complexly and Kathryn Hahn is playing her too complexly for at least some of this not to be true. Agatha’s not just a villain. She’s not true evil. It’s only episode 4 and we basically know for a fact based on her reactions alone that Agatha did NOT sacrifice her own child for the book of the damned. And I just can’t get over the way Kathryn Hahn almost seems to be playing two characters with Agatha, the (evil) witch and the vulnerable Agatha underneath that only seems to surface for Teen and Rio, so far.

It’s fascinating, and I just want to see her get the depth of story she deserves. And we deserve, tbh.

[spacelazarwolf]

hmmmmmmm i’m real fucking tired of jew haters lying abt me!

let's break this down, shall we?

white trans mascs like spacelazarwolf have no issue calling indigenous people "bone chillingly disturbing" for disagreeing with them.

actually i called what you said antisemitic, because it was. i called what i've witnessed from gentiles in general bone-chillingly disturbing and cruel, and that i've witnessed so much ignorance, hostility, and bloodlust from gentiles. because i keep seeing posts celebrating the massacre that happened on the 7th, and i keep getting anons that tell me "hitler missed one", "the world would be better off without your ilk", "we should have gotten rid of you all ages ago", "die zionists rats *nose emoji*", and a lot of very graphic descriptions of how they would like to rape and kill me. one user, blatantly on their blog, openly said that someone should kill me, and someone said they knew where i lived and could make that happen. that's not disagreeing with me. that is bloodlust.

they pretend to care about racism when trans women engage in it, but have zero issue jumping right to demonic stereotypes about indigenous people who dare to point out that their support of israel is supporting genocide.

hey asshole. I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU.

also. I HAVE BEEN OPEN ABOUT MY CRITICISM OF ISRAEL, MY REFUSAL TO SUPPORT IT AS A STATE, AND MY BELIEF THAT WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS GENOCIDE. YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

literally just blatantly lying about a jew's opinion on israel so you can harass and demonize them is, i hate to tell you, antisemitic.

these so called "anti-semitic rants" were me saying jewish people can survive without israel and do not need to colonize or genocide another group of people to survive.

let's give some of the highlights of your posts:

"while you're here hand-wringing about the safety of israelis and spreading the white supremacist lie that they must be in israel to be safe, israel secured its continued existence by just now murdering 500+ parients and doctors under the excuse of 'well hamas is violent and is hiding in there"

'handwringing' do you mean mourning the deaths of peace activists and children? also if you've read literally any of my other posts on the matter, you know i literally talk about how zionists institutions and leadership use jewish safety and antisemitism in the diaspora to bolster support for a jewish state. pointing this out isn't agreeing with it when you do it, why is it when i do it? what could the difference possibly be??

also, there has been no confirmation on who caused the hospital bombing. there are many reports that it was a misfire by one of the groups in gaza, and those are still being investigated. regardless of who fired it, it's still a tragedy. it's still hundreds of innocent lives lost. and it does not change the fact that the lives lost on the 7th were also a tragedy. using this devastating loss of palestinian life as a bludgeon against a diaspora jew for having the audacity to mourn dead jews is disgusting.

"[you] only bring up jewish people of color to argue that israel is actually not a racist project because israel is the only thing stopping jewish people from being exterminated."

literally just lying.

"jewish people in israel are behaving as and acting as white supremacist colonizers of color"

thanks for literally just outright saying that you think the problem is jews, not the state of israel.

"colonizers globally are constantly killing kids"

and therefore the israeli children who died don't matter? are you expecting jewish people to choose between their nieces and nephews and innocent palestinian children who are killed in gaza?

"[spacelazarwolf has] ranted and raved that without israel existing, the jewish people would be genocided. he's appropriated the struggle of indigenous and black people abroad to cry that jewish people aren't welcome in countries like the us, despite living in the us and benefiting from his whiteness and the oppression of indigenous and black people as many other white jewish people do"

i think you've made it pretty clear you're totally fine lying about what i've actually said regarding israel, but the idea that jews are "appropriating the struggle of indigenous and black people abroad" when we talk about experiencing antisemitism in the countries we live in is so???????????? also you make it really clear in this snippet that your issue isn't with israel but with jews in general.

"white jewish people...have been able to exist in relative safety for decades in european countries"

are you actually fucking insane.

"israel's existence has made things more dangerous for jewish people in the middle east and north africa because these are areas that HISTORICALLY had co-existence between religious groups"

nice historical revisionism! swana was safer than christian countries for sure, but it's SO clear to me that you know absolutely nothing about the history of the jews of swana.

"he and israel supporters like him are constantly distracting from the war crimes and terrorism ISRAEL IS COMMITTING by handwringing perpetually about 'but violence is bad and hamas is bad for being violent, the only good palestinians are the ones that are quiet and don't fight back against us when we kill their kids"

sorry, who's "we"? are diaspora jews killing kids? or do you just equate every single jew in the diaspora to israel? also, yet more blatantly lying and claiming i support israel when i repeatedly have stated i haven't! but it's much more convenient to claim i have, because then you can say that i kill kids!

there's a bunch of other times you repeat the lie that i support israel and "advocate for the continued existence of a settler colonizer state and lying and claiming it's the only way for jewish people to be safe" but i won't include all of those bc this post would be VERY long.

"israel supporters are really out here arguing that palestinians need to hold hands with their genociders and forgive them and find peace - completely ignoring that for centuries there was peace between religious groups in the region and israel destroyed it"

goyim being embarrassingly ignorant of jewish history outside of a warped view of the holocaust? i am shocked!

"the supposed civilians attacked turned out to be iof soldiers so yeah actually it's fucked for you to say. they shouldn't attack people who colonize and massacre palestinian people for their day job"

blatantly supporting the massacre of 1,300 israelis, including children.

"all they can do is fight back or die, while israelis grab their passport and fly back to the us or some other european country and wait for israel to finish their genocide so they can go back"

feel like i don't need to explain why. this is conspiracy theory levels of antisemitic.

"the crying and bellyaching that if the jewish people don't have israel, they'll have to go back to countries that are hostile to them is not one i have sympathy for"

yeah we know you don't have sympathy for jews, that's very clear.

"jewish people, black people, and indigenous people all still live there and survive and fight back and thrive in solidarity together. and they DON'T participate in genocide against other groups of people"

yet again making the blatant assertion that it is JEWS who are committing genocide, and not the israeli government. also let's not pretend that. there's always been perfect solidarity between our communities. jews have not always been the best allies to indigenous people and black people, and vice versa.

"there are other places to turn to if you had any interest in NOT participating in western hegemonic white supremacy. but instead of staying and fighting and existing and thriving with other marginalized people who are at HIGHER risk than you in these countries, you argue that somehow jewish people should be exempt from this work that every other marginalized community does"

shouldn't have to point out that i don't argue that, but also this is, again, conspiracy theory levels of fucked up.

"bonkers to watch israel-supporters screaming and crying that if they don't colonize and genocide palestinians then jewish people can't safely exist"

yikes.

"if it were remotely true, israelis wouldn't have pulled out their dual citizenship passports and gone back to europe and the us to wait at a distance for their government to finish the genocide they started in 1948"

again, yikes.

there is a choice outside colonization - you can just fucking leave and go back to your home countries that are welcoming you with open arms cuz you still have dual citizenship. you don't have to commit genocide colonize people to exist."

more yikes.

"spacelazarwolf really wants to try and argue that they can't stop colonizing palestine cuz if they do, they have to go back to - checks notes - countries where a ton of people still live"

who is "they"?

"for some reason [spacelazarwolf] thinks that to avoid going through [genocide], jewish people need to be allowed to commit genocide themselves and eradicate palestinians"

once again lying abt me, and also openly saying that they believe it is jews who are committing genocide.

"fucking bonkers that he thinks he somehow has the right to commit genocide and colonize to avoid the situation other jewish people, indigenous people, and black people worldwide find themselves in. cowardly bitch baby behavior actually. like i'm sorry lots of other groups of colonized people, who have been subject to genocide and violence, and racism and are still undergoing it, has managed to NOT colonize other groups of people for their own gain."

bc jews are just inherently more evil than other marginalized ppl, right? we're just more prone to being selfish and hurting people? we're just sniveling whiny bitch babies who will turn around and stab you in the back, right?

"screaming and crying that 'we need to be allowed to genocide palestinians or otherwise we have to go back to the us, where we as white jewish people never have to actually deal with the things indigenous and black people there do' is disgusting genocidal behavior. the thought of actually being in solidarity with colonized people is repulsive to people like spacelazarwolf - that's why they all seek to justify colonial projects instead."

again, conspiracy theory levels of fucked.

at no point do i engage in anti-semitism. all i ever criticize is israel.

don't feel like i need to point out that this is not true.

he has repeatedly stated that israel has to exist, otherwise jewish people have to go back to the us, where indigenous people are being genocided.

cool lie! also fucked up thing to say!

i've said nothing about jewish pain and trauma. in fact, i have said on numerous occasions that jewish pain and trauma are very real and that they DO NOT justify. colonization.

mmmmmmmmmm nah. "whiny little bitch babies" is not saying that "jewish pain and trauma are very real." also oops you accidentally did dual loyalty again.

but spacelazarwolf is so rabidly racist he immediately began fearmongering about the bloodlust savage knocking at his door trying to kill him.

i'm on desktop or i would include that mike wazowski standing meme bc genuinely what the fuck.

anyway, i have no doubt that their support palestinians is genuine. that's great. but it is also incredibly clear that they hate jews, and that is going to be a huge detriment to their activism for palestinians, and they're not the only one this is happening with. people need to figure that shit out on their own instead of harassing and lying about jews online and perpetuating this kind of violently antisemitic rhetoric. bc this is like beyond fucked. i am tired of gentiles blatantly lying abt me so they can get away with saying horrendously antisemitic things to and about me. get your fucking shit together.

[firelordslove]

Do you think the Smoke and Shadow comic foreshadows Zuko and Mai as future rulers of the Fire Nation?  It showcases their strategy skills along with improving their communication as they strive to find a solution to save the children of the fire nation capital. Even though they are broken up, they work well together and shows their compatibility as rulers.  Thoughts? 

omg my first anon, hello and thank you for asking me this question !!

I talk a little bit about this in my video essay, actually. while I hate the comics and I think it’s stupid that they broke up, it does give them a chance to grow as people and into their positions in the world. the writer confirmed that they got back together 3 years later, meaning they’re young adults when they reunite, and they would have grown from their teenage selves.

in The Promise (2012) we already see their communication improving (well, Mai’s anyway) when she says that Zuko can come to her with any issues he has and he should be able to talk to her about his feelings because she’s his girlfriend. this already shows that he has someone he can rely on who is willing to listen to him, someone he’s known for a long time.

in Smoke and Shadow (2015), we see this communication improving. one thing that gene luen yang got right is that Zuko would absolutely be pinning over Mai, given how much that loser (affectionate) was obsessed with her.

although she is with Kei Lo at the time, Zuko expresses how much he misses her and that he wants her back, as well as acknowledging how happy she looks. he does this instead of repressing his feelings, and Mai talks about her point of view of the situation, being open and honest (despite it not being what Zuko wants to hear).

it is not only their communication improving that shows the potential they have at running a nation together, but also who they’re going after in Smoke and Shadow (2015). one criticism that people give Mai is that she doesn’t care about people, and in turn, the Fire Nation citizens. however, in this comic we see her and Zuko working together to take down a terrorist organisation. while part of it is to protect Zuko, she calls her own dad (who is leading The New Ozai Society) “insane” for his political beliefs.

not only that, but she sends him to prison in the end and says that he deserves to go.

this is after she helped free her little brother, Zuko’s little sister and gaggle of other Fire Nation toddlers (with Zuko) !!

so, yeah. while I hate the comics, I think they do show some potential of Zuko and Mai working well together as rulers of a nation (even though “Fire Lady” doesn’t seem like an active role in politics, but we can pretend or hope that changes with Mai).

[lordystrange]

other anon: “he hangs out with a bad crowd who's a lot older than him and he seems to be quite an impressionable ppl pleaser”

I think people need to look at that for the reality of it then. which is there are 30+ year old people attaching themselves to a (very freshly) 19 year old (who they met at 18 or even younger, so a child), with their own agendas and mindsets. a lot of these people he met on the manipulative propaganda trip earlier in the year where they use his beautiful religion and culture for promo of the country. it’s routine, wasn’t just him doing it. and they’ve kept the contact up. oh you know they love it, freaks leeching off him. and I don’t need anybody saying I’m making excuses for his choices when it’s not the case, I just thought it’s important to note the phrasing in some ways people speak about noah.

because things like “when I was 19 I wasn’t like that” from people mean nothing. congrats I guess! you’re actually still immature for saying that instead of understanding not everyone grows up like you do, so you have some growth to do anyway 😊. statements like that neglect the truth of his age, the fact that it is not the same as all the middle aged people with decades of damage and chances to educate themselves behind them, is he closer to 40 or is he closer to 17? or 14? he is grown enough to make decisions like hanging out with certain people, but that does not stop manipulation and harm done especially for - as other anon said - a people pleaser. I swear people speaking don’t know a thing about indoctrination. has anyone heard of the disease of US patriotism? was that not also bad and shown to be running deep a few years ago? how is that different, especially after an attack that would have the influential adults around you in high emotion likely parroting some ignorant beliefs (because believe it or not, there isn’t a huge jewish population worldwide for uhhh… a pretty well known reason actually! and the fact of the matter is that pretty much everyone knows someone living in isn’treal. many fucking idiots have overblown that attack of course, but the direct emotional ties are real - people just stretched it thin.)

I don’t ask people to justify his actions or make it some parasocial going easy on him situation, it’s just being able to have a wider view of the situation is important and what nobody is doing. instead favoring getting popular tweets and wishing death on him for extremely small things in the grand scheme of politicians and people in govt with actual real influence, or brett for eg. noah is not the person anybody should be prioritizing, he’s an easy target and everybody looks so painfully stupid hating on him daily like that’s doing anything for the cause they all supposedly care about.

don’t even get me started on the amount of antisemitic lean a lot of posts about noah have, that is not or will it ever be ok. you need to learn your history, people, and be careful of dog whistles in your performative rage.

Thank you for the ask.

And you’re right. If we want to be critical about him (which we should be), we have to be critical about the whole situation.

People also seem to forget, that US and Israel are a lot alike. Both are colonizers and their governments are committing actions that are lethal. Yet I don’t see people canceling celebrities who support US.

(I’m aware that the situations are different, but I still think this topic should be talked about more.)

And the age thing is also important to notice here. I was at my dumbest at 19. And while I’d like to believe that age doesn’t matter that much when everyone’s an adult, it does. It just does. I know there were rumours of Noah dating that old guy and there’s nothing to confirm it’s true, but also nothing to confirm it’s not. But if it is true and if he is the ”source” of Noah’s behavior lately, I hope the situation changes.

Very sorry for turning your ask into speculation. But it is honestly a very likely possibility.

[alister312]

What are your thoughts on prince gregory and knight christophe? i imagine christophe would resent the monarchy, but, if it’s the only life he’s used to and the job puts food on the table, he would accept it begrudgingly and use it as a means of protecting townsfolk from danger. i think he would really hate gregory to begin with (it is my belief that canon christophe is very much a socialist, i think this is all but confirmed) until they’ve been working with one another for a while and gregory begins showing signs that he resents his own royal status but knows no other life. anyways, im rambling and my brain won’t fill in the rest for me but I think any scenario here would end with them running off together. what do you think?

dude YES, that is absolutely how i imagine a prince gregory/knight christophe scenario to go!! while there’s definitely good motivation in Christophe using knighthood to try and do some good and protecting townsfolk, i personally would lean more towards it being something his mother pushed him into. mostly due to the fact that he seems to have no respect for the military in the movie (and in fantasy/medieval settings, that’s the role knights tend to fulfill) BUT he is scared enough of his mom’s anger to do things he wouldn’t normally do.

after his knighthood is a done deal though i do think Christophe would use it to actually protect people as best he can, rather than listen to what orders are given to him. maybe even try to actively sabotage missions/battles he knows aren’t right. he’d be widely known as a really disobedient knight and extremely frustrating to work with, so of course the crown prince Gregory would hear about him. being a secret/aspiring activist himself, i think he’d be able to figure out what Christophe is up to and he’d ask for Christophe to be made his personal knight attendant. Christophe would NOT want to do that (fuck authority, especially the monarchy, being his whole thing) but if the prince is personally requesting it, he wouldn’t have much say in the matter.

Gregory would want to spend a lot of time secretly testing Christophe, see if he’s really a rebel who will fight for the right thing no matter what, or if he’s just a grump with no respect for authority. not sure exactly what these tests would be, but Gregory’s inheritance to the throne is on the line if he gets found out as a traitor and there’s probably a LOT of people looking to get rid of him so they can be king instead. so no way would he reveal himself until he’s sure he can trust Christophe. it’d definitely take an equal if not greater amount of time for Christophe to trust Gregory back, but once they do trust one another, NOTHING is breaking their bond. they both put their lives in the other’s hands with the information they have on each other.

i’m hesitant to agree for sure that they’d run away together– it’s certainly the most dramatic and romantic ending and drama and romance are core pillars in the foundation of gregstophe. if both or even just one of them was found out to be a traitor and rebel, they would definitely escape and run off together. probably form a bigger rebel force and try again years later. but i could also definitely see them staying quiet and strategic until Gregory takes the throne. that way it’s just the two of them the entire time… gregstophe vs the world…

[moodr1ng]

like prev post is one example i happen to be talking about for once but ig what i mean is like. every little small inconsequential thing that my mind could turn into "you look suspicious right now", that i could possibly suspect means someone thinks poorly of me (w no evidence of that whatsoever), that i can possibly twist into somehow being about how Everyone Secretly Hates Me And Thinks Im A Liar And A Fraud, i will. the most minor things. every day of my life. i am plagued by a constant fear that everyone thinks im always lying, that everyone is always suspecting me of Something, all the time.

every time i go to the pharmacy to pick up my completely normal mental health medications i think "the pharmacist thinks im a malingerer whos faking mental illness to try and get drugs". when they ask "thats two boxes right?" im terrified of saying "yes", even though yeah, my prescription is for two boxes of these meds, bc if i say "yes, give me two boxes and not one", its gonna be confirmation that im a liar whos just trying to get more meds. even though thats. literally just what im prescribed.

its like that about everything. i have to overperform truthfulness at all times, because just knowing im telling the truth isnt enough, i also have to convince everyone else that im telling the truth, all the time, because Everyone Always Thinks Im A Liar in my mind. if i, like, tell a friend on discord "going to bed now!" and then while getting ready for bed i make one last post on tumblr like 5 minutes later i think "my friend is gonna see this and think i lied about going to bed and that i was trying to avoid them on purpose because im a bad friend". if i tell someone about a condition i have i assume they doubt i actually have it and think im lying for attention. if i tell people im bigender and they react with total acceptance i think "theyre actually thinking im obviously just a binary man who is lying about being bigender so i can intrude upon women in some way, but they cant say it bc they dont want to look transphobic". if i tell people about abuse i suffered as a child and they react with horror and compassion i think "theyre thinking im making it up or exaggerating so i can get pity, theyre just forced to pretend they believe me to not be rude". if im having a mental health episode and someone is concerned about my well being i think "they think im doing this on purpose and putting on a show to force them to take care of me". and if i try to tell my therapist about symptoms im experiencing i think "he thinks literally everything i say about my mental health is a lie i tell so i can get on disability and get meds, so i have to hide part of my symptoms from him because the less i tell the less suspicious i am". i literally cant discuss this very belief w my therapist because i am convinced that if i told him "im constantly terrified that everyone, including you, thinks im lying about everything so i can get attention or some other benefit" he would think "ah, my liar patient is claiming that hes afraid of being seen as a liar to throw me off his scent. this is actually more proof that hes lying, hes laying down the precedent that hes not a liar in order to cover further lies".

all the time. all the time. and i cant make it stop. and i cant talk about it because i think anyone i tell about this is going to think "ah, yes, The Liar is insisting shes not a liar, which only a liar would do". i literally think anyone reading this very post is going to think "youre talking about this too much, youre trying too hard to come off as truthful, obviously youre trying to cover up your lies, in fact this very post proves you do lie about being mentally ill and abused and you lie to your therapist to get drugs and you probably stole that girls bonnet too, everything you say you didnt do is just a preemptive cover for having done it".

but well. if i keep refusing to talk about it im only feeding it. because the more i avoid talking about it to not trigger it, the more i reinforce the idea that "if i talk about it, everyone will turn against me" as legitimate. so, whatever, i guess. im just very tired, you know. i wish it would stop sometimes. i wish i could trust that anyone regards me in good faith. i think it also sucks of me to assume the worst out of everyone like this - to just think everyone is out to get me or always regarding me in the worst possible light. idk. i just wish i could make it stop. ill make an effort to finally tell my therapist tomorrow. but idk if ill have the guts yet.

[kendrixtermina]

I've been thinking about it time & again, turning & turning it around in my head - like, even going back to some thoughts I'd had before this particular case, to make sure I'm not bending my morals here & being the worst kind of asshole. It's actually been nagging at the back of my mind since these ideas first became mainstream in the early 2010s.

But I just can't square it with my conscience to treat a miscommunication the same as, like... I've read many stories with with violence, threats or coersion.

Or even emotional manipulation, entitlement or pushyness.

I was thinking about this with the Melanie Martinez case, and that one's worse cause she was pushy & other people who consensually slept with her confirm that she could be pushy & insistent. But that's also a situation where she walked away with the belief that the other girl was simply convinced & agreed.

And in the story with Flake there wasn't even convincing.

It's so easy to say "if you really cared you'd notice". Lots of people are just really passive in bed. Some men hate it, some ask you to lie still - people might misread signs while drunk & that's why you (as in, the initiator, not the girl) should be careful with how much you drink.

But it just isn't the same. I can't call it the same word.

Threats, violence or even entitled demanding require a huge level of disregard of another person's autonomy & personhood.

A misunderstanding like this, however, or the person having conflicting feelings... It seems like it could just happen to anyone!

Could it happen to me? I hope not, of course. I do all the stuff you're supposed to to avoid it. But I'm not perfect. Hetero women may think they'd never be the one misreading stuff unless they actually mean to assault someone since in present society men usually do the initiating, but as one of those pesky bisexuals, and just someone who believes the best way to avoid becoming blinded, sanctimonious or entitles is to be aware of your own capacity for mistake or evil, I don't want to assume that I'd always get everything right because "im one of the good ones".

No one wants anyone to have an experience like this girl did, or at least i dont, & stuff like education on communication & consent & when-in-doubt-check-in-and-err-on-the-sage-side and centering mutual pleasure instead of the lock/key bullshit is so important. I'm FOR that. I WANT that. I don't consider this okay, or no big deal, or made up. I want a world where that doesn't happen insofar as the imperfect instrument that is human judgement can prevent it.

But how do we make it the standards, how do we promote it? I don't think declaring it rape, thereby putting it on the same level as Cosby, Weinstein or Trump stuff is the way.

I have never believed in "deterrent by harsh punishment to protect people" or "if you don't wanna be punished just don't misbehave" to dismiss fears of unjust or capricious punishment in any other context. I don't believe it when it comes to government spying. I don't believe it when it comes to death penalty. It's authoritarian. Not everyone who professes to be scared of false punishment or how anyone could just make up whatever about what their inner feelings were is just looking to excuse rape; there's insecure young men who are just afraid of messing up. (or heck, queer people, with how their attraction is often portrayed as predatory)

I 100% agree with the goal of minimizing "i felt I had to go along"/"just let it happen" type experiences as much as possible, but the question is how?

like crimes don't exist objectively; they are defined by people with the goal of creating good social incentives. We define and re-define crimes through history, and I'm no longer sure these recent pushs for redefinition have been a constructve ones.

With someone who would deliberately disregard the will of others, that's someone who probably won't engage in good faith & rarely changes their way; In that case, ostracism hammer is merited - they can't be convinced so they must be cut off from victims.

But communication fail isn't like that; those may be people who generally care & are willing to adjust behavior and the threat of the full punishment/ostracism hammer at the slightest misjudgement is more likely to drive them into the arms of extremists or grow resentful & isn't conducive to a working society.

You can't have safety guidelines too clunky to actually use or they will get ignored. It's like abstinence education or red tape. Drunk fucking (not unconscious but responsive/awake) will always happen; nonverbal initiation of sex will always happen. Most times all participants are happywith it.  And we saw in some of the Till stories that even a consistent habit of always asking "should we do this, should we stop, are you sure etc" all the stuff you're rightfully supposed to do to make the chance of it as low as possible, doesn't prevent some people having conflicted feelings or "going along".

I mean, I'm not doubting the girl's experience at all or dismissing the reality of her pain. but it's possible to feel shitty about an experience or find it traumatic without anyone having done a crime to you. What ppl find traumatic can be so subjective, and being dissappointed in how you reacted doesn't mean the other person automatically gets all the blame cause they cant read your mind. They did not "make you" be silent or give indication that they wouldn't listen, so how are they completely to blame?!

Like I realize this cannot be up to the perps, lots of indisputable rapists will say shit like how she "secretly wanted it". - if a girl says she said no, I believe her unless there is a track record of her making random shit up in the past. But if she explicitly says that she didn't say no or give any sign of distress, I see no reason to doubt that either & assume that her inner state "must" have been obvious.

The girl can't help having flawed messy human reactions either but like, will burning some guy on a stake make the trauma go away?

I just - I don't believe in fair world hypothesis and "if you do everything right no one ever feels hurt". I don't believe that doing your best will just automatically be good enough.

To be 100% clear: I don't blame the girl for feeling overwhelmed, but I also can't bring myself to blame the guy for misreading communication if she gives no indication of disliking what's happening. Or, like, both have nonzero responsibility (he should have verbally checked in and neither should have drank so much booze, for starters. ) but neither has full control of all the factors or can be exempted from human fallibility. Sometimes ppl mess up and it can't be 100% avoided & no one is the villain. People can only be judged based on the information they have, they can't be made 100% responsible for the inner state of others that they can't access if those others don't give indications of it. From today's perspective I can say he should have checked in verbally but I could not say that if I had not read about/been educated about why that can be so important/ how its common for ppl to not say anything etc. I might as well say "use a smartphone" to a person from the 90s.

I just can't bring myself to think that for this moment of misjudging her reaction, he's now the same as someone who would threaten another with a knife to get his way - it just seems too cruel to me.

It's unfair that she had a shitty experience, too. But I don't think shitty experiences could be 100% prevented even if no one on earth ever took the slightest lick of risk ever again, that's just outcome bias/ just world fallacy.

[wisteria-lodge]

(un)exploded lion primary + burnt snake secondary

Hi! Wisteria. I just discovered sorting hat chats a not long ago. The test put me as Lion primary but none of the secondary seems fit. Could you, by any chance, help me? I would love to confirm if I'm a lion primary or not and my secondary if able.

I'm currently 23 if that helps. Been out and about in the real world not too long. 

My understanding of the primary is motivations and drive. I'm driven by vision of what I want in life. There is something I want to see no matter what. Before, I used to be very enthusiastic about it and hopeful it'll come to pass. As I'm working in real world however I was hit very hard with the reality and my limitations. I still want to see my vision a reality. But I'm no longer confident I can make it happen.

Well, I'm definitely seeing that Lion primary. And it looks like we've got us a Burned secondary.

Before, I'm very judgmental, confident and dynamic. I moved with total confidence in myself and where I'm going. I was very confident in my own conscience and was willing to risk my hide for it. I fought with people on daily basis on political, societal and moral issues. I was so assertive, in fact, that I unintentionally suffocated my friends. I pushed them and molded them to be what I deemed appropriate. I tone-policed them. I brought them along in some humanitarian projects I founded believing their abilities better spent bettering people's lives.

For a time, they went along with me. Until it all came apart... They resented me all along. And they hate me even now.

Oooh. Looks like we've got an Exploded Lion primary in the process of healing. Because yeah. Check for seeing/treating people as tools, check for 'the ends always justify the means,' we've even got words like "judgmental" "molded" "deemed appropriate," that speak to the Exploded Lion "enemy or ally" world view. I'm sorry it all fell apart as dramatically as it did. But you're only 23. You've got plenty of time to rebuild stronger.

I never regretted what I have done. The only regret I have is that I didn't communicate and ask them. I shouldn't have pushed and manipulated them. But did I regret the things I accomplished with them? No. Everything, I did, every impact I left behind was a product of my beliefs (human rights, that every ethnic group should be equals, how we can coexist with nature and how we can progress without abandoning the ways of life but improve it).

Hmm. Casual dropping of the word "manipulate" is making me think maaaaybe Snake secondary. Although Snakes almost never actually use the word "manipulating" when describing themselves. Although sometimes when they're burnt they do...

Here's the thing. We need firebrands like you. But what I don't want is for you to burn yourself out and/or burn every bridge you've got. You're not going to get much done that way.

I believe it is my duty, as someone who can do it, to speak for people and things that cannot speak for themselves. Even though it's not my job and won’t affect me in anyway.

Take a second, now. You've just told me that you tried to speak for your friends, and they resented you for it and that made everything fall apart. Take your own advice and ask. Setting yourself up to be the sole, lone savior is just setting yourself up for a fall.

I want to make sure that we can coexist with nature in harmony. As much as a lone human can do anyway. Even if I have to be alone or be remembered as a monster in doing so. It might not be correct in universal sense, but I will not budge on it. I felt hurt that my judgment so wrongfully made my friends miserable and traumatized. But I’ll keep going no matter what I have to sacrifice. I’m willing to devote my entire life to make sure people and nature can coexist in this transitional era. We are in the transitional era. We are about to move toward a new age.

... a brighter age. A BETTER age. An AGE... OF MUTANTS!!!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I only mean to tease a little. Only I read this entire paragraph in the voice of Ian McKellen's Magneto.

(to the degree that I'm considering Double Lion for you. It is the Revolutionary sorting, after all.)

The thing is, I now see the limitations of myself. I was too impulsive. I managed to maneuver myself into a dead-end. Well, not a dead end per se. I can still claw my way out and get back on track. But it will take 10 if not 100 times of efforts.

This is all very brute-force Lion secondary language.

I don’t have a good degree. No work experience. No connections. And definitely no money to my name. I have nothing. I am on the verge of giving up entirely.

... you know, objectively? Almost no one has those things when they are 23. You're not even old enough to rent a car yet (in the US, where I am.) You're going to be okay.

I know that my dream is meant to be, but I’m not sure I will ever be good enough to hold it in my hands in my lifetime. I question everything my dream stands for.

Accomplishing this dream is not up to you, personally. And just because it's not something that you personally accomplish in your lifetime does not mean your effort was wasted. I'm not much of a "Great Man Theory" person. The way I see it, change is made by groups of people. (It's the Badger secondary.)

I don’t dare to judge anyone anymore. I’m just a failure, someone who got kicked out of the job. I’m not good enough.

In terms of the system, all this is burnt secondary talk. 'My primary thinks that xyz is correct, but my secondary cannot accomplish it.' Your primary recently took a pretty massive hit, and it does take a second for Lion primaries to change directions.

I was too vindictive and deliberately sabotaged my job to get back at my team. But I also knew that I was not smart and practical. I’m too slow and dumb. I lost all my shine and confidence in myself.

Okay, well. You did a dumb thing because you were angry, and have since regretted it. But the rest.... just sounds like you're in the Dunning-Kruger trough. You thought you were hot shit, because you didn't have the experience to know better. You've since leaned it's more complicated than you thought, and are in the process of taking steps to do what you do better.

I want to be less ruthless and kinder. Thing is, I never manage to.

As far as I'm concerned, wanting to be less ruthless and kinder is half the battle. Especially since you've been pretty self-aware when it comes to pointing out those tendencies so far, and pretty realistic about the ways they sabotage you.

Compare to my friends or family, I am a lot more ruthless, vengeful and sadistic even.

It's a Lion primary thing to think that how you feel now is you, is identity, and will always be you. But Lions who want to change can change the same as anyone else, even if it sometimes takes them longer to do it.

I can tolerate abuse for a very long time

... why?

but if I have even a smallest chance. I’ll make sure they’ll regret even living. I talked jokingly with my sister, if I hate someone. I won’t kill them. Say, if they have an accident. I will make sure they survive but I’ll make them live in as much pain as possible. I will rip them of their future and hope. If they want to build their own business, I will make sure they can’t even dream of it.

... okay, right. You know, I have seen these... fun vengeance fantasies with other Exploded primaries. I think it's a pattern. Although, to be fair, I don't get that many Exploded primaries writing into me. If you're writing in, it's because you've got some degree of self-reflection and doubt, which you probably don't have much of if you're Exploded.

Same goes for people who stand in my way. If you are willing, I’m open for a negotiation. But if you get in my way, I will make sure to cripple them to the point they can’t stand anymore. I will destroy their hope, dreams, friendship, network. I won’t crush their business but their souls. I’ll make sure they are nothing but a soulless husk that can’t ever stand in my way, or my people’s ways.

.... and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants will rise stronger than ever before, etc etc. Don't worry Magneto, I've got that part. :)

I believe I understand now why my family and friends call me a monster. I’m trying to use it for good though. Although I still have a very long and arduous way to go before I can make something worthwhile for everyone. I do want love and acceptance, but maybe that’s beyond me.

I really don't think you're a monster. I think you're young, I think you're passionate, I think you've got a simplistic worldview (that you're working on) and that you've got some power fantasies you like to turn over in your mind at a point in your life where you feel very powerless.

Potential theory though. You do use dehumanizing language like "monster" for yourself, and the other vengeance-fantasy asks came from Exploded Badgers. And you DO talk a lot about your community, and things like tone-policing definitely are a kind of etiquette. It's possible that you're an Exploded Authoritarian Badger who lost their community, and coped by 1) kicking themselves out of their definition of "person" 2) clinging really hard to a Lion worldview. That is totally possible.

(But 'partially exploded Lion' is also still possible, and simpler, and I always go for the simplest possible explanation with these things.)

I don’t know what my secondary is. I don’t like surprises. I hate sudden change in plans. One thing I know though, I love learning new knowledge but only on what I am interested in. I do not feel like I’m attached to knowledge or resources. After all, everything is fleeting. I operate best when I’m left to my own device with clear objectives though.

Hmm. Maybe a little prep-work secondary flavored, but this is just people stuff. Even the most fluid Snake secondary doesn't like it when there's a last minute change in plans, or a really unclear objective.

I will find a way to get it done on my own, using what I have at hands. Lying is like a second nature to me though. I know when to lie to get what I want. I lie all the time, but to me, it’s just ‘coloring the story’. I don’t feel the need to stay true to myself all the time. I adapt to people easily and take on their language and mannerism fast. If anything, sticking to the truth about myself and how I feel takes conscious efforts.

And you didn't connect with the description of Snake? Because this is a description of Snake.

I’m not a very fast learner. But I can ‘appear’ as competent and knowledgeable very easily. In work environment, for example, I adopt the language, mannerism and jargons of more knowledgeable seniors. I manage to charm many clients this way. I don’t know that well what I’m doing, but enough to convince people and build up their confidence. I know it in my gut I’m still not good enough or competent enough. Way worse than my colleagues. Yet I manage to convince all the higher-ups that I’m the front runner among all new recruits. I’m still naïve, unorganized and not knowledgeable enough. But somehow I hid all those things and appeared to have ‘potentials’. So much so the head of my department picked me as his personal assistant to personally train me (a very good prospect of advancement). Until it all unraveled.

Yeah, you're a Snake. (With a little bit of imposter syndrome, which is Really Normal when you've started at a new job.)

When I have to talk with people, in interviews or meetings. I will not try to appear all shiny and glamorous. People usually expect that because it's natural for us to put best foot forward. I'll double down on it and bare myself open (to garner sense of accessibility, lower their guard and hold their attention). For example, I will not glorify my accomplishments but I'll list out my failures. Then I'll top it with 'but I believe that is my strength. I know what it's like to fail. I might not be the best or have the most glamorous resume but what I have is determination and will to succeed. I would really love it, if I could grow and be of use to you and your company' Or something along that line. But that depends on people and situations. I'd say, I just respond to what people expect and try to appeal to them in a way they appreciate.

^ Snake. And that's a pretty good speech. I think that would probably work on me. I know that personally I can be a little suspicious of people who are too shiny, and too charming. :D

How I did it is a mystery to me though. I have absolutely no idea what I have done to appear that way. Or what I did to convince them of that perception.

I mean, you just laid out your strategy. You adopt the language of the person you're talking to, while also stressing your passion for the job, and your own shortcomings - using that both as a way to make yourself seem more trustworthy, and a tactic so they can't use that info against you. A very cohesive, laid-out strategy. Snake.

(Same goes for my old friends, I didn’t know what I did it keep them on the leash but I did it). But I don't relate to Snake sec because I'm not that slick or playful. If anything, I'm intense and blunt.

Yeah, because you've got an intense and blunt primary that you live in kind of a lot. I don't think it would be at all a bad thing for you to live in your Snake secondary a little more, for a change.

I really apologize if this is too long, or if you feel sickened or repulsive. I figure I need to layout myself without coloring it. If you could help me figure it out, that would be great!

Don't worry about me. I'm good. And I really do appreciate the self-knowledge, and the honesty, and the vulnerability. (Just no coming at me with random hate mail, okay. So far, Exploded Lions have been the only ones to do that.) You're on the right track. Just keep moving forward.

Thank you in advance and hope you have a good week ahead!

:)

[temikoangie]

Tenko being a buddhist and keeping true to these beliefs even when it's not the logical thing is what makes Tenko my fave so while I understand why people w some types of religious trauma would dislike that part and interpret the master as a bad influence, as someone whose religious trauma was getting my religion demonized, seen as toxic and dismissed, it works for me as much better to interpret him as well meaning. I actually think I've seen way more people portraying him as toxic than anything

i wanna quickly preface this right now tht I Am Not a Buddhist Nor do i practice Buddhism so if i ever get something wrong here Please do correct me im entirely open to crticism on that part. ( i realize now i didn't end up going indepth to your religion as i expected but i am Very much open to feedback if desired)

personally if people Do interpret master as a toxic influence Solely because of the religion that he himself raised tenko in, i think theyre!! very horribly wrong ! there is nothing wrong with that at all, tenko's beliefs really do align very similarly. however my main ick with the master that tends to get overlooked is How he essentially treated the whole ''hating men'' thing.

Tenko, canonically told us themselves, that they use their neo-aikido abilities to go out every day & night, to help bring justice. Whether it's helping an elder cross the street, tracking down a thief or even sexual predators on the train !

the 4th dialogue especially concerns me, seeing there wasn't any limit on what situations tenko is essentially sent in to diffuse. and it seems like they've been doing this since they were young! ( at least young enough that it would've seem like they've been doing this for... practically their whole life) Who knows what kind of things tenko was exposed to !! and in the next FTE we pretty much get a confirmation as to why tenko hated men, and it was because their own master reinforced the idea that men shouldn't ever be touched, lest your abilities gets drained out. I get that the master is trying to shape up tenko's moral compass (hence stuff like ''No getting excited about the holidays, dont eat 3 more sweets per day, dont touch men etc etc)

(thisis also the same fte where tenko ''finds out'' that their master is a man and completely freaks out )

i get what the master is trying to do here but like... that's definitely not something you should say to your Very Impressionable Child who's already seen things they probably shouldn't have to experience at their age. there are definitely less.. traumatizing ways of doing this.

Did the master intend to do this maliciously? or did he meant it well and didn't realize the profound effect it would have on his Essentially Foster child ? who freaking knows. the game never really gives us any better hints for either side, but regardless of intention, it's still not a very smart thing to do to this traumatized person with emotional dysregulation .

now going back to the buddhism ppl who insinuate that master is a bad influence on tenko Solely because his religion is stupid and kind of weird! like idk how explain it to you but i don't like the attempts of demonization of other religions that isnt your typical Evangelical Christianity type thing. ppl who think that Is the Reason to interpret master as toxic is ! wrong ! and Should reevaluate why they see master as toxic ! and i am here Personally to tell you that Maybe master shouldve idk. taught him to redirect his energy to something else entirely ! that doesn't involve giving him a freaking savior/caretaker complex! people shouldnt use this as a chance to demonize buddhism!!!

[sasquapossum]

Hey, can I ask how you interpreted that image as hate speech? I'm asking genuinely -- you can still unfollow me and take your time answering or just say no because i'm not entitled your time or anything, but I would like to understand and would appreciate your time on it.

I reblogged it under the impression that a) it was pointing out the insufferability of those who wanna say they're a centrist when they aren't (often just embarassed to say they're conservative for some reason) but regardless it's b) less about what they actually think just that pure arrogance of whatever their thoughts are it is the Correct and Only Way to Be TM and c) that this specific variation of fair-weather unironically deals with not having addressed inherent instincts of confirmation bias by declaring they're more willing to criticize one side and criticize only, looking for holes purposefully in the most minute of things in defense of what they lean towards but still claiming centrism. By doing so without caring that they do that, it ends up with someone unprincipled and hypocritical even by what they usually tout is their own standard of thinking things through (the basis of them being Right TM. Happens in other groups because it's about /needing/ to be better/righter than the person they're talking to more than anything else).

I often come across this type of person where I live and so i didn't think it was a caricature so much as a commiseration about a very specific genre of person that's hard to be around. How does that translate to hate speech?

OK, let me start by saying that I might have over-reacted. I stand by the general sentiment I expressed, but your reblog (which was indeed the trigger) might not have been the best example. Perhaps it will explain why I might have over-reacted.

Fake moderates absolutely do exist. I've been dealing with them for over 40 years, both in media and in forums where I participate, and I've been extremely tired of them for over 30. Some conservatives like to hide their true beliefs, I think in hope of getting a hearing they'd otherwise be denied because they know their beliefs are noxious. It's dishonest, it's cowardly, and I have more reason than most to despise them. Nonetheless...

People who genuinely hate real moderates and centrists and people (like me) who don't fit any neat left/right distinction also exist. I have plenty of burn scars and bullet holes on my virtual back to prove that. Such people seem particularly common right here. They can't even say "moderate" without a sneer or a snarl, and one important aspect of their behavior is that they make no distinction between real and fake moderates. Anyone who does not share their very specific flavor of ultra-leftist belief is The Enemy.

That brings us to the image you reblogged, which I would compare to people putting a confederate or blue-line flag on their car. There really people who use those symbols with benign intent. I've met a few. But they should know that others find those symbols hurtful. They should know that the vast majority of people who use those symbols mean for them to be hurtful, and they should avoid those symbols for that reason. Hate speech occurs not only when there's malicious intent, but also when there's a failure of diligence when repeating the haters' tropes and stereotypes.

So when I see "I'm not left or right" - a phrase that many people use with all sincerity - identified as a code phrase for crypto-rightists, I see repetition of a hateful message. When I see "I have no real beliefs" I see repetition of a hateful message. Many people do use those tropes with conscious malice, and have used them against me personally. There might not have been any bad intent on OP's or your part, but you still can't poke at a wound like that and not expect a reaction. Each of us must eventually accept that it's not our place to say whether someone else is hurt or offended. If they are, they are. I see ads for a shirt sometimes that says "be careful who you hate because it might be someone you love" and it applies here just as much as anywhere else.

FWIW, I do not bear you any will. I've already said I need to prune my follow list because I can't keep up. The people I follow are posting so much great content that even one post that makes me feel bad is enough to make my itchy unfollow finger twitch. I might well follow you again if some day I have the "mental space" to be adding people again, and something of yours comes across my dash in the normal course of events.

As I said, I might have over-reacted, and for that I apologize. I hope that this explanation helps you understand why I or others might do so, and why it's not necessarily personal. Peace.

[transmissionsfromthebattlefield]

Rend It It’s Yours

Campus is a-changin’. Jesus Christ on a stick, I just got here. Deep breaths.

Every time I see something about some change happening here, I generally roll my eyes really hard because it’s 2023 and we’re still in the middle of the “2018-2020″ phase of this whole “master plan” they’ve got for campus. Thanks, COVID. Thanks, recession. And thanks, university administration, for your persisting zeal, which is fascinating to observe. The shiny new map of campus they plastered up on the first floor of the library has their projected business building on it, even though I have seen “it” from a distance multiple times and “it” is nowhere close to even being considered an unfinished building. I’ll be able to watch the construction up close next semester since it’ll be right next to Verder Hall, where I’ll be cooping up without a roommate or AC. I literally thought that building was supposed to be demolished this year.

The final result of Big Business Hall (actually Crawford) is supposed to look something like this, with creepy prison-drawbridge bunker White Hall apparently totally unchanged to its left:

Tree City, amirite? I love how quaint campus is.

Anger inducing sterile boring grassy fields aside, a headline from our own Kent Wired about campus evolution caught my eye in that it was very distinct from any superficial flex of size, power, or fleeting modernity. It was actually based on changing the curriculum itself. It was about the First Year Experience course that help the adorable freshmen-I should know-acclimate them to campus. Next semester, they’ll be rebranding it as Flashes 101, which I’ll admit is a pretty adorable name.

The thing that sticks me out about this new version of the class is that, this time around, students will be able to choose between sections that are specific to their area of study, like the section I had to take, or general sections that include peers with a mix of interests. In my experience, being grouped with students within my major’s college ended up only benefiting me on a personal level, not a social one. My FYE professor was actually the dean of the college my major was located within, and it was really beneficial having such direct access to her and her enthusiasm as I considered different options of what it even was I wanted to do with my education.

I did not have the same lasting effect with any of my peers who were taking the class with me, however. That’s no one’s fault, but it does confirm my belief that defining people by and grouping them together based on one loose and pretty much non-defining factor doesn’t mean they’re all going to be best friends forever. Facts of life, you know. I also ended up changing my major twice last semester, though I was located within the same college every time. Had I been even more questioning and veered off into another college or area of discipline entirely, I might have felt like I didn’t belong alongside everyone else.

Part of what excited me most about college was meeting people different from myself. And by being fascinated by what made people different from the rest, I was able to find the people I’ve clicked with most so far. I hate interacting with humans, but when you find someone you’re actually excited to allot time out of your schedule for, it’s the best feeling in the world. And then maybe on another day you overhear someone in your Media, Power and Culture class say that he doesn’t pay any attention to the news or politics and that he only pays attention to football, and you can’t believe how anyone could live life like that. And it makes you feel a little more confident in a part of yourself you might’ve questioned in a world gone mad.

College is inherently fucked up, and it can be oddly isolating when schedules don’t match up or disintegrate entirely. But that’s why it works. It gives you the superficial comforts of “You Belong Here” posters and tag along friends from high school (unless you’re me), and then it throws you into the arena of self reliance, self confidence, and self advocating. You will find community and solidarity, and you will also find spontaneity and the people who you strive to be the exact opposite of in every way possible. And the beautiful thing is that here at Kent State, we all have our own ways of being “the worst kind of people we harbor in America”, as per one Governor James Rhodes. The good and the bad are definitely both teasing away at my comfort zone at any given moment. The mindless bus rides, the hard walks through rain and snow, the late night study sessions, the frat parties, the emphasis on legacy, the gentrification. The supposed fact that downtown apparently needs two goddamn smoothie bowl places for some reason. Humanity in all of its facets is at both its dimmest and  its brightest in College Town USA, and that will never cease to wow me.

College is all I wanted it to be and everything I didn’t think to dread all at once, and I just might love that.

[hillbillyoracle]

As an ex-fundie, every time there’s a conservative related tragedy, I just really want people to realize that there are two levels at which the religious right in the US operate. 

There’s the select few that are using the movement as a means to coalesce power for themselves. They know what they’re doing, they understand it’s not rooted in religious morality, and you’re never going to convince them of shit. 

There’s the much larger group of genuine believers and their beliefs are actually internally consistent much more than the Left would have you believe (saying this as a Leftist). 

Per gun violence, yes many of them would indeed rather risk their child’s life ending (and in their view, them going to heaven) than limiting guns. 

Something that doesn’t get a lot of media attention outside of fundamentalist churches is that most of them have an emphasis on what I can only describe as apocalyptic fascism. It’s this idea that the end of days have already begun and we’re living in the first phase of the apocalypse and ultimately the return of Jesus Christ. So people shooting up schools is a sign at that escalation and - while no one will admit it - there is an idea that if someone passes away, they’re being spared seeing the more grizzly impacts of the apocalypse as it progresses. That they’re kind of lucky. 

They also think that any limitation on guns is more dangerous. They believe True Believers will be rounded up and exterminated at some point (yes, the irony is not lost on me). That one of the signs of the apocalypse escalating is that being a Christian will be effectively outlawed. The select few using the movement have framed protecting ones family as a intrinsically Christian value so - as you might see where this is going - any attack on owning guns is an attack on Christians. 

I want to be very very clear that I’m talking about fundamentalist and charismatic Christian churches - not each individual fundamentalist and charismatic Christian, let alone all Christians. I can tell you from personal experience most Catholics and Episcopalians I’ve met when I related some of my experiences as a kid are generally respond with “what the actual fuck.” 

So why am I writing about this at all? Isn’t this like a divination blog? Well, one of the Left’s favorite coping mechanisms after tragedies is to funnel that frustration in to picking apart the so called idiosyncrasies in fundamentalist Christian dogma. While I understand it, I just want to help dispel the idea that it’s in any way useful. I want to frame that reaction for what it is - a reaction, a sign that a community in mourning and under real material threat has unmet needs.

But the illusion that what you’re doing will impact people in some way, that being technically correct will protect you, is a trauma response and doesn’t actually take care of the trauma. It tends to make another group a monolith and create more fear and aversion in oneself. Which makes further trauma reactions more likely to less stimulus. And so on. It’s understandable but it’s also avoidable. I just hate seeing folks in my orbit set themselves up to deepen their trauma through participating in ineffectual means. Believe me, I have been there and...yeah. Trauma reactions never heal trauma in my experience. 

So what to do instead? 

One, vet the information you’re sharing. See if you can confirm it with a known valid news source. If you don’t have the energy to check, just pause on sharing things. You can always share later. It’s important people have accurate information and not info based on fear or theory. One the best ways you can help regulate your community’s nervous systems and not make potential trauma worse. 

Two, if you have a personal relationship with people in or still connected with the fundamentalist Christian movement and if you are in a healed enough place to do it, they need your love and compassion. You want to know why my family is substantially more open to social support services and some gun restrictions than the average Fundie family? Because of good faith conversations. I didn’t police which words they chose to use and focused on arriving at a mutual understanding of each others positions. Over time, they’ve shifted. It took about 5 years but most now vote Democrat which would have been unthinkable years ago. They’ll never credit me and I am 100% okay with that. Cause that’s often what it takes to change hearts and minds. 

These conversations need to be held in private, away from the public spotlight where people, in my experience, are more open to change. If you’re going to attempt it, the first couple attempts might be rocky. I encourage you to cut things off when you feel yourself getting too angry or you lose touch with compassion. Remember that it’s less about supplying them with facts and more about trying to understand their position. By trying to understand their reasoning alone, you’ll likely change how they think because the perspective your questions come from alone will generally cause them to think about their belief in new ways. Then give it time. 

Trust the process. This is basically how my friends helped me begin to break free of fundamentalism as a teenager. By having those conversations, you are engaging in activism, because what most destroys the hold those select few have is their flock beginning to realize the nature of the wolf leading them.  

This is one of the reasons I think one of most valuable things we can do as ex-fundies is to heal our relationship with Christianity enough to reengage with it. It’s almost like being bilingual. We know the language, we know what is culturally significant and why, we know what events are treasured and what causes fear. We have the ability to, if we get to a stable place, to best engage with them on their own terms. Which is why so many churches demand friends and family cut off contact with us. They know. They fucking know. 

Three, if you don’t have personal relationships with fundamentalists, join larger efforts. I know a lot of people think of protests and they are good, but other work is often needed. If you can provide material support like money - do so. If you can’t or just want to do more, I really can’t understate how useful calling in, writing emails, and writing letters is. I’ve seen direct change from those efforts. 

So yeah, this was...way longer than I meant it to be. But basically, one, the fundie political ideology is internally consistent so the nitpicking is just for you but it’s honestly not that good for you and there are ways to actually meet the unmet need you’ve got. For me, this whole process can intersect with shadow work which is why it’s been on my mind lately. 

[theonewiththefanfics]

Tomato - Tomato (one-shot)

Synopsis: One is an international rock-star. The other is his loyal assistant. Both are complete morons in love. Also - she’s allergic to tomatoes, and it is important.

This started off as something completely else. hope you enjoy :D

Pairing: Harry Styles x fem!Assistant!Reader

Genre: fluff, minor angst

Warnings: two idiots pining for one another, swearing, mentions of allergies and EpiPens

Word count: 3492

Being an assistant to someone famous wasn’t all glamourous parties and wild nights out with celebrities. It was scheduling last minute flights and not sleeping for three days straight as you packed a million bags and then repacked because their stylist sent you knew pieces and the old ones no longer fit the aesthetic of the week.           It was also making sure that they were up by six AM with a hot coffee at their bedside ready to help them wake up as you lay out a detailed plan of the day down to the minute, while you yourself basically only had a two-hour nap because you had to finish off 568 handwritten notes to be sent out to each of the contacts in their phone. Or at least that’s what Y/N’s life was like being the personal assistant to none other than the modern-day prince of rock Harry Styles.            Said rockstar was actually still asleep when Y/N entered his room, ripping open the curtains and letting in the rising sun. He groaned, pulling up the bedsheets that’d ridden down his form during the night. “Not that I don’t like seeing your gorgeous face in the mornings….” he mumbled into the covers. “But I don’t like seeing your face in the mornings when they start at six bloody AM.”           Y/N snorted and rolled her eyes, rubbing them in an attempt to get rid of the sleep that still lingered in her own body. “You were the one that said you’re fine with seeing Lambert at eight for a fitting.”           “When did I say that?” Harry scoffed, only the top of his messy bedhead seen from the cocoon he’d built around himself.           “Would you like me to pull up the text messages, the calendar or the e-mails?”           Even with her back turned as she rummaged through his closet for him to put on some clothes, she could sense the middle finger he threw at her, and she smiled.           Despite everything, despite the zero sleep and stress always coursing through her veins, Y/N loved working for him. He treated her as a friend, not just some lackey he paid to, but most importantly, comparatively to the other people she’d worked for in the same line of business – he treated her as a human.           If something went over the deadline, Harry didn’t scream or yell at her and tell Y/N how incompetent she was, instead he asked what kind of help or assistance she needed to get the job done, or maybe if she just needed some time off to gather herself and look at the problem with fresh eyes.           “I hate how organised you are,” Harry groaned, finally throwing the covers off.           “If I wasn’t, you’d be in a ditch somewhere.”           She heard him scoff and two feet plop against the hardwood floor as he made his way towards her. “Is that how little faith you have in me?”           “You don’t even know what day it is!”           “Who does in these times?”           Y/N shrugged her shoulders and handed him a pair of boxers, some loose jeans, and a flowery Hawaiian shirt. “Are you telling me I’m wrong though?”           She looked over to her side, a smirk playing on her lips while he squinted his green eyes at her. “No, but it doesn’t mean I like getting called out, especially this early in the morning.”

          With a roll of her eyes and a shove at his shoulder for him to move to the bathroom, Y/N handed him the clothes, moving downstairs to start making him some light breakfast and get herself a cold glass of water.           You see, she’d been working as his assistant for close to two years, and they’d grown not only as people around one another, challenging their beliefs and world views, but as friends too. And, well, Y/N would be lying if the emotions hadn’t evolved from platonic to falling in love. Not that she’d ever admit it. He was an international sensation, and she was the girl who got him vegetarian croissants at the airport.           She dragged a hand down her face as she clicked the stove on and took out a carton of eggs from the fridge. Y/N knew how he liked his omelette to the T, mostly because when she’d spent the first night of quarantine with him a year prior right as the pandemic had started, Harry had wanted to do something nice because she couldn’t go and see her family any more, so he’d gotten up at seven to make breakfast for both of them. The only problem was, he hadn’t asked if she had any allergies, so as he added bits of tomatoes, parsley, cheese and scallions, Harry hadn’t expected Y/N’s eyes to go wide at the first bite as she dropped the fork.           “Harry…” Her tone had been cautious. “What’s in this?”           He was sweating. Was his cooking really that bad? He just wanted to do something nice and there he was screwing everything up. “ ‘S just some of my favourite things. I’m sorry I didn’t ask, I just thought you’d like it.”            “I do, but this tastes like it has tomatoes in it.”           He nodded. “Yeah. It does.”           Gently she smiled at him and pushed the plate a bit further away. “Could you grab me a coat, and if you have any – an EpiPen?”           “An Epi – oh shit!” When the realisation hit him, Harry was jumping out of his seat, running to one of the cupboards and rummaging through in a panic all the while apologies flew non-stop from his mouth.           Y/N in the meantime had gathered her purse and mask, making a call to the nearest hospital to explain the situation to which they responded they’d be waiting for her arrival.           “I’m so sorry!” Harry ran up to her, a first-aid kit in his shaking hands. “Please don’t die! I didn’t want to kill you, I promise! I just wanted to make you some breakfast cause you do so much for me, and now you’re stuck here, and – oh god,” he cried. “I’m going to be prosecuted for killing my assistant.”           She didn’t mean to, but the snort came out of her nose either way. “Harry.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “Please calm down. I’m not going to die.”           “You’re allergic!”           “Yes, I am, but I only had a small bite. The ER is just a precaution.” Y/N took his palms in hers and squeezed them. “Now take a deep breath with me…” They did so, holding it for five seconds and letting it out for eight. “And calm down a bit. I’ll go give myself the shot, and then I’ll drive to the hospital.”           “Let me,” Harry begged. “Please, let me at least drive you to the emergency room. God, I almost killed you with an omelette, it’s the least I can do. I – I could also help you with the shot, I won’t hit an artery, I promise -”           “Harry, you’re barely coherent. Not to say anything, but you’d have a bigger chance of killing me in a car crash, than from that tomato.” Y/N gave him a smile. “I’m gonna be fine.”           With that, she left him to venture into the bathroom and did the unpleasant part of stabbing herself in the thigh to alleviate her body from the allergy symptoms. She sat there for around five minutes before she felt that the swelling of her tongue and itching in her throat was starting to subside, which meant the epinephrine was working.           “Okay,” she huffed, taking her purse from the couch where Harry had been sitting, hugging the accessory. “I’ll be back in probably around two hours. Do we need anything from the store?”           He shook his head. “Just come back home, please.”           Y/N would never admit how her heart thundered in her chest when Harry said to come back ‘home’. “I will.” She promised. “Don’t you worry. You’re not getting rid of me that easy, Styles. The money’s too good.” She winked at him and then left Harry pouting on the couch, but she couldn’t get through the door, before he jumped up, yelling, “wait! Do I need to get rid of every tomato in the house?”           “No,” she laughed. “I’m good to be around them. Even touch them. ‘S just my insides that don’t agree with it when they meet.”           “Okay.” He nodded, hands on his hips. “Alright. I’ll uh – I’ll be waiting. I’ll make you something else.”           “There’s no need for that, Harry.”           His eyes widened at her words. “I swear I’m not trying to murder you!”           “Oh my god,” she muttered shaking her head. “Just – just relax. Okay. I’ll send you hourly updates.”           He bit his lip. “Make it every ten minutes.”           “Harry –,”           “Please?” The way he was giving her puppy dog eyes melted her heart.           With an eye-roll, Y/N waved at him and promised to update her boss at every possible moment and confirm that he hadn’t, in fact, been the reason for her demise. Well, he was the reason for the demise of her low standards in men, having taken them and thrown them up to the Moon, but unless her feelings were miraculously requited or if one of the Marvel characters, she was obsessed with came to life, she’d have to stick to what was available. And in her mind, that wasn’t Harry.           “What are you thinking about?” His voice startled Y/N out of the memory, and she shook her head, adding salt and pepper to the beaten eggs.           She shrugged. “Just about that time a year ago where you secretly tried to off me because you were too nice to say you didn’t wanna quarantine together.”           The groan he let out was of royal embarrassment, and it put a wide smile on her face, as she took one of the forsaken fruits and started to chop the red ball into small pieces.           “You’ll never let me live it down, are you?”           Y/N raised her eyebrow at him. “Your failed murder attempt?” She snorted. “Of course not! It’s like you don’t watch the crime shows and murder documentaries when I have them on. You really haven’t learned anything.”           Harry stuck his tongue out at her and moved to her side, dropping some chives into the mix as well. “Well given how it wasn’t a murder attempt, I wouldn’t consider it a fail.”           Her hip bumped his, and only then did Y/N really give him a once-over. As always, he looked amazing in whatever was on his body, but what made him even cuter in her eyes was the sleepiness still lingering in him.           Harry’s movements were a little bit sluggish, eyes half-closed and small sighs passing his lips as he sipped onto the coffee she’d come to his place with. The shirt sat loosely on his body, the first two buttons left open while he’d tucked the bottom of it into the jeans, having found a Gucci belt and cinched it around his waist, giving it a more eighties look rather than the sixties vibe he usually had with his suits.           The brown hair was still messy and dishevelled, and Y/N could barely, just barely restrain herself from running her fingers through it, but what she didn’t know Harry was struggling just as much.           All he wanted to do was pull out the bottom lip Y/N had gotten in between her teeth and kiss her senseless, to have her fingers dig into his arms and leave crescent shaped imprints on his skin.           “So, uh…” He had to start a conversation otherwise his mouth would find itself on Y/N’s mouth in a second. “What’s Lambert got in his schedule? How many outfits is he thinking?”           “Two or three, I think,” she said, pouring the mixture on the pan and letting the slow sizzle erupt around them. “He’s got this one suit which I think you’ll really like – all leather, but it needs to be altered.”           Harry hummed, and for a second both of them relished in the domestic feel of it all. They’d had many moments like it before, especially during the spring and summer seasons of 2020, and Y/N couldn’t help but relish in her memories at them.           “Harry?” It was like her voice snapped him out from a trance. “Could you pass me a plate please?’           “Uh, yeah,” he stammered for a moment and then nodded, wordlessly going to a cupboard and taking out a white marbled plate. That single piece of kitchenware probably cost more than her life insurance, but it was definitely aesthetic if nothing else.           Silently Y/N plopped the omelette onto the plate, placing it on the kitchen counter and went to get him a fork, however when she turned around, he was facing her, chewing quite agressively on the inside of his cheek.           “You okay?” she asked, coming closer. “I can call Lambert, reschedule it for later. He wouldn’t be too happy about having to wake up and then – “           But Harry shook his head. “It’s not that.”           “Then what?”           He didn’t say anything. It was like he was trying to decipher the best course of action, and when he ultimately did, Y/N was pressed up against the counter, Harry’s forehead against hers with two ring-clad hands cupping her cheeks.           “Harry,” she breathed, out her lips brushing his making the air in her lungs hitch. “What are you doing?”           “Something I’ve been dying to do for a year now. If you let me that is.”           “I -,” The words were muddled up in her head. Of course, Y/N wanted him to kiss her, she wanted him to ravish every part of her body. The fantasies and dreams she’d had at night would be incriminating proof if her feelings were on trial, but despite it all, her brain was usually in charge and would overrule any decision made by her heart. “Harry, we can’t.” She whispered, voice breaking.           “I -,” Horror morphed onto his features as he took a step back. “Did I misread the signals? Did I do something you don’t wan –“           “No.” She grabbed onto his cheeks, trying to calm him down, his body practically melting into hers. “I do.” She didn’t need to explain what she meant. He understood. “So much it hurts me sometimes… but Harry, you’re my boss. My employer. It… it wouldn’t be right.”           “Why? How can it not be right, when it feels like the rightest thing in the world?”           “Because, Harry,” she huffed. “You’re my boss. And what’s worse – I love working for you!”           That made both of them laugh, the tone of her voice as if she was more annoyed than anything else. “ ‘Nd why’s that bad?” He nudged her nose with his. “I’d hope my employees like working with me. What kind of a person would I be if I thrived on them being miserable?”           “Because if I didn’t, quitting would be easy.” She raised her eyebrow at him. “And if I quit there’d be nothing stopping us from dating.”           Harry bit his lip, finger trailing along her cheekbone. “There’s nothing stopping us now either. There is no clause in your contract that says you can’t date people who you work for or with. Sarah’s with Mitch, and they’re the happiest they’ve ever been. They’re even having a baby…”           Y/N gave him a sympathetic smile. “I know. But that’s different. They’re on equal levels. You and I, however… I don’t want people to think I got my job because I slept with you, or some shit. It’s bad enough some already do so.”           His brows furrowed, and Y/N saw how his jaw clenched. “Who?”           “Strangers.” She shrugged. “I know you don’t look at comments like that online, but I see them. My DMs are filled with that. Gossip magazines. The point is – there are already unsubstantiated rumours about us. This would give them the confirmation they’d need.”           “How can it confirm something that’s not true?”           “There are still people who believe vaccines cause autism. Even when their ‘proof’ has been discredited and shown to be just complete bullshit, most don’t like to admit they’re wrong, so they’ll look for whatever tells them they’re right.”           Harry huffed throwing his head back to look at the ceiling. “So, where does that leave us? In love, but without being able to do anything about it? Because I can’t.” He shook his head. “I won’t be able to just pass you by without kissing you, or not pull you into the bed when you wake me up, or press you against the wall and not have my head between these two gorgeous legs.”           Y/N groaned slapping his chest and dropping her forehead against his peck. “That is so unfair. Why do you have to tease me like that!”           “Oh, sweetheart.” The rumble was deep and shot a wave of heat straight to her core. “This is no teasing.” The smirk on his face when she looked up at him was shit-eating. “Trust me, if I was teasing, you’d be begging for me.”           She’d imagined him between her thighs more times than it was appropriate considering he was her boss, but hot damn, did it feel amazing when his lips crashed onto hers, and she let him. In her dreams, his lips hadn’t been just pressed to her mouth but other places which were more south, but it was still one of the best feelings in the world.           The kiss left them both breathless, and grinning and satisfied, yet begging for more, teeth nipping at the soft flesh.           “I’ll put out an official statement, if you want,” Harry muttered against her mouth, unable to stop pecking her lips now that’d he’d gotten a taste. “But please, please, please… for both our sanities go out on a date with me.”           It seemed like Y/N was the one contemplating the best plan of action now when her brows furrowed and she looked up at him, pressing and unpressing her lips, as the swelling from the kiss grew. “Did you by any chance have a piece of that omelette already?” She had a suspicion it wasn’t just from the kiss.           His eyes widened, and then his head dropped to her shoulder. “Not again!”           Y/N rolled her eyes lifting his face by the chin so he would look at her. “How about EpiPen first?”           “Fair enough,” Harry grumbled unlatching himself from her and going for his keys and wallet, already preparing for the short drive they’d have to take. “But then a date?”           She raised her eyebrow, taking out the box Harry now kept under the sink with at least three EpiPen’s for emergencies. “In a hospital?”           “We could be going dumpster diving for all I care, and I’d count it as a date.”           Y/N rolled her eyes. “You’ll have to do so much better than that; you’ve almost put me in anaphylactic shock twice. Now come on.” She motioned with her head towards the bathroom. “Stab me and take me to the ER.”           “Fucking tomatoes,” Harry grumbled, taking her by the hand and not letting it go even for the short walk.           “Tomato-tomato, you’re the one that kissed me.”           “That I don’t regret.”           Y/N smiled, turning towards him, and taking him by the nape of his neck pulled Harry down for one more kiss, groaning at the feeling of his tongue dancing against hers.           “Y/N!” He pulled back with a gasp, shock on his face.           She just shrugged her shoulders. “We’re already going to see the doctors anyway.”           Harry pushed her shoulder and made her sit down onto the toilet. “Take your pants off before my kisses kill you.”           “Yes, daddy.” Y/N wiggled her eyebrows as Harry moaned, squeezing her calf.            His eyes were dark as he looked up at her. “Next time this happens, you’ll be begging me.”           Her wicked smile was so full of happiness he couldn’t help the one that grew on his face. “I’ll be keeping you to it. Now, dear sir.” She handed him the EpiPen. “Hit me with your best shot.”           And although it’d been now two times in their lives where Harry trying to do something good and make the other feel just as good had done pretty much the opposite, when they got to the emergency room, their smiles could be felt even under their masks           Harry watched with blushing cheeks as Y/N explained the situation to the nurse, especially when one of them threw him an unsavoury glance, eyebrow raised high as if saying ‘again? One time wasn’t enough?’.           “No more tomatoes.” He promised. “And also - it wasn’t on purpose!”           Y/N squeezed his palm, chuckling. She may not be able to give a shot at eating a tomato, but she sure as hell was going to give Harry one. After all, she had almost died for the man. Twice.

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take):

Harry Styles tags: @breezykpop​ @girlboss99​ @harrystylesdoesntknowiexist​ @alliyjane​ @sirtommyholland​ @raylovessarcasm @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @harryhub​

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A/N: I’m at work and I wanted to write a bit for my book, but hahahahahahaha I can’t stop procrastinating. Also, this was something comepletely else centered around Christmas, then New Year and the Valentines, but I just couldn’t and it morphed into this. Maybe this Holiday season when it rolls around I’ll post it :D

P.S. if anyone’s had a septoplasty (repositioning of the septum) - how was it? how painful is it? kinda starting my journey towards it cause apparently I can’t breathe out of my left nostril, but I’m kinda scared ngl. I’ve read some horror stories about having holes and pieces of the cartilage fall out afterwards :/// 

P.S.S. what did ya think? my tags are always open, just drop a message if you wanna be added :)

P.S.S.S please don’t plagiarise or repost my work on other platforms (wattpad, AO3 etc)

[aquamarinescarlet]

Don’t give up just yet

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Word count: ~3.6k

Warnings: two curse word (I think), brief mentions of sex and cheating, angst (bare in mind these warnings don’t apply the way you think they do, you’ll have to read to understand)

Summary: The classic soulmate AU, sentences written on each other’s wrists, but with a twist.

Author’s note: This was basically an excuse for me to reinvent the soulmate AU with the wrist tattoos thing. It’s sorta angsty, but I just thought the ending was too funny. Just experimenting here, tell me what you think.

PSA: Dividers are the count down till the day: black is reader focused, red is wanda focused, gold/yellow is also reader focused, but I thought it deserved a little spark.

“You should call her, y’know.”

“Why would I do that? She made her point very clear.”

“It’s her wedding day, Y/N,” Mia reasoned, “and this fight was months ago, you have to get over it.”

You rolled your eyes at her insistence. This discussion has been happening every day for the past two weeks.

“I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I the one who should get over it?” You emphasized.

“He is her soulmate, and she is your sister, the least you could do is pretend.”

“Ugh,” you let out a guttural scream, “I can’t do this anymore Mia, I stand by what I said. That man is an asshole and this soulmate thing is stupid. I don’t trust him, no matter what the words on both their wrists say, and I’m not gonna watch her go down with this and not do anything about it.”

Mia didn’t respond, she knew she’d reached your last nerve. You watched as the woman left your office, sending a last sympathetic glance your way before walking into the hall. 

Mia was right in some points, and you knew that. She was right about it being your sister’s wedding day and that you should be there to support her. She was wrong about you needing to be the one to apologize though. The way people manipulated their lives to fit this whole twisted Soulmate Theory made your blood boil.

The Soulmate Theory was quite simple: everyone was born with a sentence written on their wrists, popular belief is that those are the first words your soulmate will say to you. It was cute, and it worked most of the time, not for your sister though. Or at least you thought so.

Oli's soulmate was Isaac. They had met three years ago and eventually started dating. Oli was a firm believer of the Soulmate Theory and had never dated anyone before, so it was all new and exciting.

You started noticing the patterns roughly one year after they started dating. He was controlling her, discreetly, barely noticeable, but it was there. 

First with clothes, Oli had made it a habit to always ask for his opinions on her clothing, and he would tell her he hated something, regardless of her telling him over and over again she had liked it. You made little comments here and there about his actions, mostly jokes but with some truth behind, she didn’t notice.

Second was friends, Isaac would always want to meet Oli’s friends, and if she went out with one he didn’t know he would make her feel guilty. You started giving more serious warnings, pointing out what he was doing more clearly, she didn’t care and called you crazy.

Third was her feelings, he had his mind set on what her role should be in his life. He praised Oli endlessly when she cooked or cleaned. Other than that, he didn’t care, didn’t pay attention to her stories, didn’t appreciate her paintings and drawings… 

It got to the point where she wouldn’t want to paint anymore, when she was telling a story it would be without her usual excitement. Her smile no longer reached her eyes, she was constantly tired. 

You confronted her about it, several times, but it was of no use. You’d point out the facts and she’d retort with ‘he is my soulmate, the universe bound us together, he wouldn’t do this to me!’

Three months ago was the last time you two talked. She told you he asked her hand. She knew you would be against it, she tried to ease you into the idea of her being with Isaac for the rest of her life. You weren’t having any of it. 

After hours of screaming, arguing and loads of tears, she told you not to come to the wedding, and you said you wouldn’t. 

It’s now four days from the date and you’re not going as long as he’s the one she’s marrying.

You stared at the words on your own wrist. ‘It’s you’. That sentence haunted you for years. What a stupid set of words for your soulmate to say.

As a kid you adored the Soulmate Theory, you paid meticulous attention to the first words you’d exchange with anyone, you made new friends nearly every day in hopes of hearing those words, but they never came.

Until they came. At first it was exhilarating, but the ones you said didn’t match the ones on the person’s wrist. You were extremely disappointed. And then you heard them again, and again, and again… It became almost routine. Every single person you met would say ‘it’s you’ or some variation of it. 

You being who you are certainly didn’t help. During college you had started a tech company and now it had grown to be one of the biggest and most important in the field. The new inventions did win you several prizes and a lot of money. You were also stupid famous, being the young brilliant CEO and all. 

Ever since, you gave up on looking for your soulmate. It seemed counter productive to get yourself all worked up just for it not to happen every single day. You made your peace with it, although a small part of you just wanted to meet said person.

The situation with Isaac and Oli helped. Seeing that it could end up hurting you made it easier to not fixate on finding your soulmate. Nonetheless, the desire was there; hidden, pushed to the back of your mind, but still there.

You just wished your sister could see it too, that the Soulmate Theory is not the solution to all her problems. 

“Relax Steve, it’s all taken care of.” 

“What about the flowers? Did you book the buffet? Did you check with the band? And the decorations? I saw some people didn’t RSVP yet, should I redo the seating charts?” Steve rambled on as Wanda just laughed.

“The flower problem is solved, the buffet confirmed, so did the band, the wedding planner is working on the decorations and redoing the whole seating chart seems… unnecessary, they still have three days to confirm their presence.” She reassured the man who was more stressed than her about the whole situation.

“Okay, sorry, I just want to make sure everything is perfect.” He huffed, taking a seat on the couch. 

“It’s going to be perfect, don’t worry.” She couldn’t help the weirdness that surged upon uttering those words.

“How are you so calm?” Wanda just shrugged, not really sure how to answer. 

Steve took a deep breath and gazed at the red head, offering her a smile. 

“I’m going to sleep, all this wedding stuff has been stressing me all day.” 

“Okay,” Steve made his way to his bedroom but she called him before he reached the hallway, “thanks for the help Rogers.” 

“No worries.” He shot a last smile before disappearing. 

Wanda found herself alone in the living room, the silence only making her thoughts scream louder.

She would be married in three days. It seemed unbelievable. After losing her parents, being experimented on at Hydra, fighting along Ultron, losing her brother and becoming an Avenger, she never thought she would have time to fall in love.

Yet, here she is. Although the feeling wasn’t quite what she thought it would be. It wasn’t exciting, or nerve racking. She felt no different than any other day of her life. Steve seemed like the one who was getting married, not her. 

Vision is sweet and caring, she feels so happy around him. Then what is causing all these doubts to haunt her?

She knows what it is, she just doesn’t want to admit it.

Those words. Those stupid words painted forever on her wrist. ‘Don’t do this’. Ever since joining the Avengers she started using several bracelets to hide them, but they still burned on her skin every single day.

She’d heard of the Soulmate Theory at a very young age. Her parents had explained how those were the first words she’d hear from the love of her life. She would spend hours daydreaming all sorts of scenarios in which someone would say those words to her and they’d fall in love.

After her parent’s death, that stopped being her priority. At the Hydra base she’d only see her brother and a couple dozen different Hydra soldiers, too old and mean for a soulmate. 

Gaining powers was a game changer. She was older then. Stronger. They finally allowed her and Pietro to leave the base and create chaos in Hydra’s name. “Do good” in Hydra’s name. She believed she was doing the right thing. She truly did. 

Hearing her first ‘Don’t do this’ made her question everything. It came from a little kid nonetheless. A scared little kid. It must’ve been a mistake, she thought at the time. But that mistake happened, again, and again, and again… 

When she joined the Avengers her eyes were opened to all the pain and terror she had caused. All the people she hurt. Then it dawned on her, what if one of those ‘Don’t do this’ came from her soulmate? What if she had hurt them, or worse, killed them?

The idea terrified her. So she hid those words on her wrist. A reminder of the evil she’s done and the love she’ll never have. She promised herself to never look for her soulmate, she already caused them enough pain, they didn’t deserve to get tangled in the mess that was her life.

And then Vision was created. Him and Wanda got along greatly. He made her happy. They fell in love, or at least that’s what Wanda told herself, that she fell in love with him. It was possible, there’s no rule on the Soulmate Theory that says you can only fall in love with your soulmate. Plus, Vision is not human, so he doesn’t have words written on his wrist, he doesn’t have a predestined soulmate, technically he doesn’t even have an actual soul for this sort of thing. They could be each other’s soulmate. A loophole on this stupid theory.

Why didn’t it feel like that though? Why was she questioning it so much? And why now? Three days before her wedding?

She took off the bracelets and stared at the ink, brushing her fingers lightly over it. She loved Vision, she affirmed to herself. She wants to marry him. This is what she wants. And she believes in these words, for a while. Long enough for her to fall asleep, turning off her brain from overthinking the situation too much.

Work has had you occupied all week. With back to back meetings and loads of paperwork to fill out, you’ve barely had time to think of anything else.

But now it seems like everything is done and you have more free time than you’d like. 

You left the office early, not having much to do there anymore, and, instead of spending all afternoon home alone, you decided to go out for some coffee.

You were sitting on your usual table in the small coffee shop close to your place. It was calm, quiet and homely, a nice contrast between the places you frequent. The warm cup on your hands did nothing to distract you though.

The book you’d brought was long forgotten on the table as you glanced at your phone every few seconds. It’s two days till the wedding and, even though you tried not to think about it, you hoped your sister would text you saying she broke it off. It was unlikely, but wishing she could get some sense knocked into her wouldn’t kill.

You were so focused on your thoughts that you didn’t notice a woman glancing at you until you caught her trying to call your attention.

“It’s you!” She said, astonished, pointing to the cover of a magazine showing a picture of you.

Recognizing that issue as being a rather old one, you just nodded and offered the woman a friendly smile. She took that as an opportunity to approach you.

“Hi. Sorry,” she sounded excited and also nervous for bothering you, “I just wanted to say what an inspiration you are to women all around, to me especially. I’ve been opening my own business and seeing what you do has been such an encouragement to me. So, thank you!” 

You were surprised by how nice she was. You’d expected her to ask you to invest in her business or something, like everyone who approaches you does, but she didn’t and it was a nice change of pace for once.

“What kind of business are you opening?” You asked. Listen to her talk would be a good distraction, plus, you could use the company.

“Oh, no, that’s ok,” she said, “I don’t want to bother you any further.”

“Please,” you urged, “I have the rest of my day off and I could use someone to talk to. Unless you’re busy, then I wouldn’t want to be a burden to you.” You laughed to ease the woman’s nerves.

“Sure?” You nodded and gestured to the empty seat across from you. 

She accepted it and you spent at least an hour talking before she had to leave. It was a pleasant conversation, she praised your work but didn’t refrain from giving some interesting criticism on your business. The topic of an investment or a partnership never even came up. 

It got your sister out of your mind for a while, although it didn’t last long.

Laying on your bed, your eyes fought to stay open, your mind swirling with all possible scenarios regarding Oli. She would be miserable if she went through with this, and you couldn’t do anything about it.

You love your sister, you care so much about her, but she refuses to listen to your warnings. You could swallow your pride and go to the wedding. You could try and support her. But that would just make an accomplice to her stupidity and you’re not going to just stand there and pretend that that’s ok.

You thought about texting her, way too many times. But your relationship is already rocky as it is, the least you could do is hope she gets some clarity on her own.

One day till the wedding. She’s 24 hours away from the happiest day of her life. Why is it, then, that Wanda doesn’t feel as happy as she should be. 

She didn’t have to fake a smile, she was happy, but that smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

None of the others seemed to notice it. They just thought it was the nervousness of having everything set so the day could run smoothly. Vision even brought up the possibility of her having cold feet about it, but she denied it thoroughly, assuring him she wanted this.

And she does. She wants to get married, have kids and build up a family of her own. She wants it all. 

It still seemed weird though. Like something was off. 

“Steve just called,” Nat interrupted her thoughts, walking back into the room, “everything is set, prepped and organized for tomorrow.”

“Let’s try on the dress then.” Carol urged the girl to put on the piece of clothing for the millionth time.

It did her justice. Slim at the top and flowy at the bottom, accentuating all her curves perfectly. It wasn’t big and puffy but light and delicate. She smiled at her own reflection as the other women crammed around her to take a look.

“You look beautiful.” Pepper said in awe. 

“She does, doesn’t she.” Laura agreed, even though she’s the one that helped her choose it.

Wanda didn’t say anything, just smiling and appreciating her own image, excitement growing on her chest from wearing it in front of everyone the next day.

The girls spent hours planning how they would do her hair and makeup. There were so many ideas, disagreements and arguments that Wanda was completely drained by the end of the day. She was happy though, to see her friends being there for her, eager to help and make sure everything was perfect.

It was nice to have people around since she lost so much throughout the years.

After the women were gone and she found herself alone, Wanda’s thoughts from the beginning of the day came back, hitting her like a train.

Was she really more excited about wearing a dress than about getting married? Was this a sign of her actually getting cold feet? 

She shrugged them away, affirming to herself these are just stupid uncertanties people always get before their wedding day. At least that’s what happens in movies, so nothing to worry about... right?

Thankfully your work slump had subsided as now a gigantic pile of papers sat on your table. Some contracts had to be restructured and a set of stores had to be chosen to distribute your newest technology. 

You thrived in that scenario, with countless reports and 2D drawings of the prototypes scattered about the room. Your mind was going a thousand miles a minute, seemingly unaware of the events that would take place later that day.

That peace, however, was short lived. Your brain short circuited for a second when you checked what had caused your phone to buzz.

Two voicemails. 

From none other than Isaac. 

It was right then that it dawned on you: Oli was marrying that asshole today. In only a couple of hours actually.

Before listening to the messages you started to record your phone screen, maybe he would try to threaten you or something and you could use that to convince Oli to break things off with him. It wouldn’t kill to be precautious.

The first one was sweet, although it almost made you gag, it was sent with good intentions. Isaac was asking you to go easy on Oli, regardless of your feelings towards him, you should be supportive of her and her decisions. Too pretentious for your liking, but sent with good intentions nonetheless.

The second one started awfully weird. Some muffled sounds, things you couldn’t quite make out. Until you heard a loud moan, your eyes going wide as you pushed your phone away from your face. Isn’t it technically ‘bad luck’ to see the bride on the wedding day? You didn’t have time to dwell on those thoughts as the voice on the phone started to moan each other’s names. The woman didn’t sound anything like Oli, because it wasn’t Oli. Isaac was cheating on your sister? And on their wedding day!?

Oh you weren’t about to just let that go. You stopped the recording, thanking your intuition, and quickly ringed Oli.

It rang once… twice… three times… and then voicemail. You tried at least four more times until you figured she just didn’t want to talk to you.

“Marie can you come in here please?” You called your secretary.

A few seconds later she popped her head inside your office.

“How can I help?”

“Can I use your phone!?” You sounded more exasperated than you wished.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to call your sister today?” Damn, that woman knows you too well. You sighed loudly.

“Please… I just…” You trailed off, sounding desperate this time around.

Thankfully Marie gave in and lent you her phone. You typed Oli’s number and rang it, several times, she didn’t pick up once. You were starting to get truly desperate now.

“Do you have the address?” You handed Marie her phone back.

“Here.” She handed you a piece of paper from her pocket. 

It was on the other side of the city, at least a one hour drive. You quickly grabbed your coat, purse and phone, rushing out of the office, only being stopped by a hand wrapping around your wrist.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” You gave her a reassuring smile and a quick nod before making your way to your car. Marie has been working with you since the beginning, she always knew when you were up to nothing good. She also knew that when you set your mind to something, there was no stopping you.

The drive was excruciating. You kept making stupid mistakes and taking wrong turns. Everything seemed to work against you, being it: accidents, red lights, slow drivers, pedestrians. Even the birds chirping around were pissing you off.

You finally reached the venue and stopped the car messily in the front entrance. You quickly ran up the stairs, and almost tripped and fell when you heard the officiant was already performing the ceremony.

You reached the doors and yanked them open, hopefully interrupting the wedding before it was too late.

“Don’t do this!” You screamed at the top of your lungs, nearly breathless. 

The guests all turned towards you, surprised. So did the couple on the podium.

Except those people weren’t Oli and Isaac. You recognized them, Vision and Scarlet Witch, or at least that’s the names they went for on television. You’ve seen them before, doing business with Stark had its perks, but had never been introduced.

You could’ve felt bad, but your stomach was a turmoil of faith and nausea. You were either really early or really late to stop Oli.

“Sorry,” you said, trying to catch your breath, “wrong wedding, carry on.” You turned around to leave, but not before noticing the bride glancing at her own wrist.

You didn’t get the chance to take a single step out the door before her voice filled the silence that had settled.

“It’s you.” You stopped dead on your tracks. Your wrist burning slightly, not the kind of pain to cause discomfort, just enough to be noticeable.

Those words. 

Her looking at her wrist.

Your’s burning now.

You turned back around, earning all kinds of confused glances from the guests. Your eyes fell on the woman, a smirk plastered on your lips.

“Seems like this isn’t the wrong wedding after all.”