#i mean i know what happened. im not anorexic anymore. :)

[widevibratobitch]

broke my phone into pieces and have to use my old one and i just looked at my old selfies and it literally took my breath away i was legit fucking beautiful back then??????? WHAT HAPPENED

[princessfaerygia]

Change is coming. I can handle it.

I've reached my goal weight of 139-140 lbs. I am 5'7. That is the lowest I'm going to go. Ideally I would love to be 129 but I'm not 25 anymore. In the past, anti psychotics made me gain a lot of weight. I got up to 181 pounds on risperidone. Abilify has helped me lose some of the weight gained on anti psychotics. My beginning weight, before anti psychotics, was 134. That's ok. I don't need to go that low. I am happy. Now, I must maintain this weight. I am ok and positive with being anything under 144. This is my sensation of myself and comfort within my own body. I am not saying one cannot be comfortable or happy with themselves at higher weights.

Lately I've been eating broccoli, copious amounts of protein bars and bananas, once regular Mac and cheese, occasionally sweets but in small portion, and "Amy's" vegan tv dinners.

The foods I've dropped are oatmeal, taco bell, and chips w cheese and sour cream. I used to eat tons of chips cheese n sour cream. And tons of bean and cheesy rice burritos extra jalapeno sauce. My unsafe foods are noodles and chips, burritos and French fries. And Im wondering if oatmeal provides me with too much fiber tho it's incredibly wholesome and comforting.

Lately I've been highly caffeinated. Tomorrow is day one, one caffeinated beverage per day. Tomorrow is going to be day two of me not picking and peeling my hands and fingers. I am looking to God to help me with all this and more, and to maintain my goal weight. Our Heavenly Father can feed my appetite with his loving solace when I want to binge and purge. I am recovering from bulimia and binge eating disorder. Was anorexic in my younger years.

I luckily haven't had an oculogyric crisis in about a month or so. Thank you God for this peace you've bestowed upon me. I know there may be battles yet to come, that I will endure and overcome.

I am wearing my white touch screen gloves in picture. It is polite to do so and soothing for my hands. An anon message told me that I was disgusting for not taking precautions with my hand issues. I am now taking anons advice and doing the best I can.

I walk with my backpack everywhere I go because I'm prescribed Benadryl and hydroxyzine for when I have oculogyric crisis, and never know when one may happen. I keep my sparkly gold wallet in there and a few rose quartz. My sleep schedule is so good, and oculogyric crisis is something I can handle, so I don't believe I will be switching to vraylar(a more expensive new anti psychotic) I don't like change, especially if it includes insomnia.

My boyfriends been very sweet and manning up. What I mean by that is he is doing what he said he would do, giving me a deep tissue massage every other night. He has begun to cease his irritations and behaves more enduring and patient with me. We love each other very much.

I thought to myself , oh October first, it's my chance to escape him! Every beginning of the month is a possible plan to leave him. But I don't want to. The tenderness between us is holy.

I may keep reblogging some quote on here about hands gentle as snow. Because I'm trying to have compassion towards myself and heal my hands. I'm trying to see myself as somebody worth taking care of properly, in a mature and healthy-not scary-manner. Gentle , tender , sacred .

I know it's rude of me to say I may leave him, but if push comes to shove i shall. I don't want to though. I want to be with him forever.

Ok so I saw my parents the other day and brother and dog. It was a good visit. I got the 🦇 bat 🦇 leggings as previously pictured from mom. They are super soft. I helped wash my dad's bedding, did the dishes, took out recycling, threw away trash around the house, swept the kitchen. And spent quality time with my dog, buddy. It was a nice visit tho short.

I wish I could be a good daughter so badly. They think good of me. But if I were truly good I would move back in with them and help them everyday. I chose my mate. Like I said he recently got a Mohawk and that's my fave haircut on men. He looks so sultry. Can sultry be used to describe a man? I mean he's smokin hot!

Ok. I am fearing the change ahead of me, but with faith in my own goodness and Gods love for me, I shall do what Im able.

I want to say if my relationship gets worse, I will try therapy again. If I keep picking my hands, I will try therapy again.

I am going to be a healthy , humble , sophisticated , imperfect woman. I believe I am ADHD autistic. My psychiatrist says that I very well may be autistic. But they don't do tests for that there. Tests are overstimulating or nerve-wracking for me anyway.

Sorry for writing so much but two mutuals seemed to miss my writing.

Today my walk to the vape shop was so nice. The clouds swirling white and blue in tender waves of slow motion. I think my fave colors are truly white and blue. And grey, black, brown. I'm getting a pink neck scarf though. Cus princesses wear pink. 🩷

Thanks for reading or jus looking at da pix. Love yall. You are precious. You are sacred. Never give up on yourself.

[earthratomi]

who the fuck let me wake up late NO NO NOOOO. NOOOO i was NOOOOO

its okay though, I've gotten it together and I really dont need a full hour to get ready, but I like to have it. It brings me some peace. you know? ive been struggling lately, with stuff, kind of big stuff, you know? reminding myself not to do something I'm not supposed to, I have a future ahead of me, I know and I can't fuck it up I want to make my parents proud. I do. but I feel like, I feel like I can't do it without some stuff. I know I can, but I feel like FUCK. I remember when I was younger, I would feel like I couldn't move fast enough. whatever that means. I always felt a little different. you know? I see it in other people too. especially emmy, aggh my love emmy, I love her so much i see photos of her, and I think. Fuck man, I understand. You know? maybe I shouldnt be saying this but I feel her. I know and get the sense that growing up, especially us two, we felt weird. especially in comparison to nico. I love nico, even though we never speak really at all anymore. But i always felt like she had it better, she had the upper hand this happened in my old neighborhood too, thankfully we left and there was also some crack scandal or something i dont even know. But I always felt different. I remember my neighbor, delilah, I would come home crying to my dad saying "why do they want to play with her and not me?" just cause she had new fancy barbiedolls her family spoiled her with? I wouldn't have my upbringing any other way. but sometimes its hard. cause fuuuuck. I dont feel, I feel like I am a disappointment. I don't think many people my age truly go through stuff that I have. the pills, the stuff like that. other stuff I cannot reveal I cant fucking reveal it. but everybody is like yeah let me get some fuckin weed dog! and I'm over here almost every single day thinking "fuck naomi dont take those pills, dont fucking take them, you know what will happen" its not even a problem but its whatever. I think about it a lot. I want to be something, I have always been something, I have always been someone. I have never not been, but I don't want to be what I feel like I can become. I can become better, I am better than this. its like he doesn't even know who I am now. I remember when I had to go into treatment, my family didn't know what I would be like after. They thought I would be different, and maybe I was. I dont remember. It did change me a little bit. going through all of that. but hell, what am I supposed to do about it? I never asked to be addicted to pills, I never asked to be anorexic. Im recovered from it all. but sometimes, I am afraid of doing that again. I don't let myself, because I know what would happen, I like to think I wouldnt take some xanax if I was offered. but I don't know. Maybe I would, and if I did it would be a struggle, a pick and choose, red pill? or blue pill?

[b0nywh0res]

hi life update bc a loy has happened. first off: toxic friend(ill call her S from now on lol) kissed me. i. she kissed me. she has a bf. i mean everyone expected them to break up after a month or so but i sure did not expect her to kiss me. im so confused. yeah shes always been flirty, she was my first kiss too, but i. like. what. i feel bad bc 3vetyone knows shes bad news. shes a horriblw person. but i feel so loved w her. she hugs and holds me and now shes kissed me? hate to say it but it feels like being in love. i hate myself for that.

my friends that i always sit with during school breaks have noticed too. they see im getting attached to her and scolded me for it but i dont car3 tbh. theyve been worried about my eating too. forced me to eat crackers yestetday.

i hate L. she never pays attention to me anymore. she knows ive relapsed, she knows im doing the worst ive ever done and she knows im so close to ending it all but she doesnt fucking care. she only vents to me. whenever i bring up my struggles, which i rarely do anymore bc ive lost trust in her, she just changed the subject. just like that. im so fucking conflicted. ofc i love her so much bc ive known her for so long. we were fucking soulmates. shes everything to me. i dont understand why shes treating me like this. am i not sick enough for her? she broke up w her anorexic gf so why do i feel like i need to compete with her. im tired of being dismissed and ignored by her all the time.

[positivelypositive]

you dont have to read this or reply to this. just ranting.

(cw/tw: anorexia, suicide/suicidal thoughts, self harm)

the self loathing is strong today. i dont know what to do with it. the pain is too strong to handle sometimes, it crushes me. i still think of myself as a failure, ive been suicidal (not so much anymore), and ive been cutting (its been going on for a while now and i can say that im not getting clean any time soon.). im an anorexic, and i havent fully recovered from it. it still has its ways to get into my head every time i look in the mirror or do something even remotely makes me look at mt body (being trans and dysphoric is not helping at all). i cannot afford to get help from anyone. and as hard as it is to admit it, im just gonna say it. i dont want to get better. i dont want to get help. because i dont see myself as deserving.

and then theres life and its responsibilities, just waiting for me to move on and live like nothing bad has ever happened. im also afraid that if someone finds out about any of this, especially the self harming, they will probably send me to a mental hospital somewhere because ive never been the one to be "normal enough" for them. this is fucking exhausting and i dont know what to do, and moving on and just existing seems too much to get through every day. its too much...

listen. i know if i continue going, it will heal with time. however i am also afraid of the future (there isnt much hope left for me or for the humanity, to be honest) and what itll bring. i am afraid. just. i dont know anymore. like is it even fucking worth it??!! i still see myself as a failure, a wimp, if you will. a daddy's boy. dying in a hole is what seems fitting for me.

anyways. if youre reading this, thank you for your time. genuinely. hope you are well.

TW: SELF HARM, TW: ANOREXIA, TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

hey,

i'm sorry. that's all i want to say. i am so sorry you're going through this tough time. i understand that you feel like you can't get help right now.

i hope you find the strength in yourself to let yourself heal. i hope you see how precious you are. i hope you can come to believe in yourself and in the truth that with time, you can overcome anything and everything.

i am here for you. if that means anything at all to you, please take care of yourself. please do not hurt yourself. take it a day at a time or even a minute at a time. choose whatever pace works for you.

you deserve everything beautiful in this world because you are beautiful. your worth is in the words you speak. so make your words more positive and let that energy flow inside of you. find the ray of hope and let it take you forward.

i hope for the best for you. sending you love and positive vibes ✨

[letsdiscoverkitty]

CPA update (30th August 2019)

I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)

For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.

It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened. I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.

My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.

A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…

Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me. I want to recover, I really do.  My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.

She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).

My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.

So what now? Good question. Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.

This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.

I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.

I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(

Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now) Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.

It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.

I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous  length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.

[doctorcarlislecullen]

do fat vampires exists tho? i just watched bdp1 and the scene of bellas transformation got me thinking... not only her back goes back to normal but her muscles and skin you know? the shiny hair, shes not so skinny anymore.... if a anorexic/bulimic person was dying and a vampire would be like "im transforming you" would that person have a "normal" body? whats even a normal body? why there isnt any fat vampires in twilight? i have so many questions and its 3:24am

A lot is going on in this ask lmao. 

Idk if I have a satisfying answer for this, but my assumption is that all the restoration that happened during Bella’s transformation was for convenience. I mean, the healing of broken bones and torn ligaments/tendons actually makes sense given the durability of venom, but Bella gaining all the weight she lost back? That doesn’t quite make sense to me. I feel like SM included that part just to return Bella to her former glory.

Like you were getting at, there isn’t exactly a benchmark for a “normal” body, so even if venom had weight adjusting qualities… what exactly is the model its striving for? My guess is: Bella gained her weight back because SM wanted her to, and there are fat vampires but we don’t get to see them because SM’s representation sucks.

[kallen0016]

-Some Personal Ranting- (>`.’<) “My not so Heartwarming Story with Microtia”

Iv got ALOT wrong with me but so far the only thing that bugs me is this damn ear. Iv made peacewith the Kidney, 3 heart issues, overly high metaboism that leaves me looking anorexic, the twin removal Scars as nothing of “Me” was edited. Someone else was just removed. My Intactness has been a HUGE deal to me. Its my Body, my form. I was BORN PERFECTED!! So nothing should happen to if I dont want it. And there was a brief time I was Happy with myself. Then I lost that control. I was forced into surgery to “Correct” my ear. And you know what...I wish nothing but grievous harm to those Drs. Kid or Not I said NO!(Because apparenty kids dont get a say in what happens to their bodies) They took the form I was proud and accepting of and ruined it. Whatd it leave me with? Well. More gross scars. And a solid ear thats made having a Slanted Jaw even more of a bitch(sleep on the wrong side and my facial alignment is fucked up for days with the high possiblity of ulcers due to cheek and tongue biting in my sleep.). And something that (and as that one douche bag who I wish to lock in an Oven described it as) looks like chewed gum. Thinking of it leaves me with a sick feeling in my gut and its very hard to forget a solid and in the way thing on your face(that even makes wearing some hats annoying). Its definitely a larger condidate among the many things in my life that has shaped my abrasive, unforgiving, ect personality. I wont get anymore surgeries. I detest them. As well as they wont, or rather also, CANT put it back to the way it was. Those Half Assed “Sorrys” from my family dont help either.(you learn the differnt from real and fake emotions when you spend so much time in the side lines, you still hear and see others and how they act.) Until they really mean it (which probably will be never because they are incapable of understanding trauma) then they can just sit in Retirement homes and forget about me.                           

I used to wish I could meet someone else like me in this regard. Had a different ear. Find someone who gets it. LITERALLY GETS IT! The same thing that I gotta deal with. (The ONE time I had that chance I purposefully ignored it and neary decked my mother...because its not fucking ok to point out someones deformity in public regardless of intentions(and I couldnt face the dude after that. Embarassing..the minor glance i did see, I didnt see his ear but his face seemed more sad and annoyed that he had been pointed out “He has an ear like yours” SHHHHH!! WTF!!!) Its bad enough when people STARE at you.(Especially people from other towns who arnt used to your existence). Open words are even more embarassing. ...probably should “Glanced” to have had that “Peace of mind” atleast. But when youre the only one in your family who has common sense not to do stupid things in public...you get easily flustered and feel the need to escape.(hence I left Gamestop and headed to the Car)

Sometimes I get in these moods and google Microtia some more. but it dosnt help. All I find are things about “To get it Fix or Corrected” and so forth. It seems like nobody has the ability to look at their kids diffferent ear and be like “Nothing is wrong.” That it always has to be fixed. And the few times I tried SPECIFICALLY googling for cases where “Reconstruction treatment” was denied” I find nothing. (probaby because lack of follow ups because theres no ong a need to see the Dr and tell them your thoughts and progress..not that i would since I pretty much hate and distrust almost all Drs..but thats just me)

Being gay used to be my biggest concern in Middle School. Turned out being easy. When your the fighty type, even people who dont like you know better than to start a fight. But this ear was my first pain in the ass, and its gonna continue that way. (One time I made a story..i type alot, I forget the real plot, but some people with defects immune systems and cellular regeneration kicked in and began reconstruction The “Morphing” was painful. Basically the body broke down the scarred and parts that didnt corespond with the DNA and then reassembled them the way they were to be. Whether to the DNAs original ableit faulty state or remake an arm that didnt properly grow. It helped at the time to type something about being being me now with my Original build..but it didnt help me overall as the craving for it grew).....                                                           Even though I get lots of nice comments from guys telling me im cute, this one thing, that they all aparently never see, just gets to me. I usually live my dailly life  not overly bothered by it,(until it gets in the damn way) but sometimes...once in awhile. I get in these overwhelming moods, and nobody really understands. But its nice to atleast get it off my chest.... -.- I just need more people who know how to listen and actually reply. 

[phoenix-stfu-blog]

I Promise, You're Safe Here

Title? I Promise, you’re safe here. Chaptered? It might be ;) Word Count? 1393 Gendered? Yes, Female. X Reader? Yep danny x reader Warnings? anorexia, depression, self harm. PLEASE, if you are struggling, text ‘home’ to 741741. It is a crisis help line. ❤ The obnoxiously loud alarm on your phone blared in my ear, the alarm you had set for 9am. You groggily rolled out of bed, slipped on some dark, navy, ripped up skinny jeans that surprisingly still fit. See, you hate your body figure. No one knows this, except for your best friend, Arin. You’ve been friends for a long time, since you were about 7.

Currently you’re 32, and Arin is 30. It’s odd you’ve stuck by each other for this long. You put on your (f/c) hoodie, then walked out of your bedroom. You decided to call Arin, he told you that you could see where all the 'Grump magic happened’. He said he’d also introduce me to his wife, Suzy, his friend Danny, and some others like Ross and Barry. You grabbed the phone, and clicked his contact.

“Hey asshole, when are you picking me up to go to the Grump Sp-” You suddenly got cut off when Arin decided to burst through my front door. “Does that answer your question?” You let out a small chuckle, you were actually always impressed at how easily he could make you laugh. You two had practically the same humor. Dick humor.

“You always did know how to make me laugh, didn’t you Arin?” He smiled at your comment, but then he plopped himself on your grey couch. “I thought you were taking me to Grump Space?” He groaned, and just threw his keys on your coffee table. He sat up, and looked you directly in the eyes. His eyes were basically burning into you. That got deep.

“(y/n) i want to talk about something. It’s your wellbeing really-” You stopped him there. “Arin i really don’t want to talk about it. We’ve talked about it already, i’m okay! i promise.” You hadn’t looked at him the whole time, because you could never look him in the eyes while lying. He knew exactly when you were lying, and he could definitely tell now.

“Please don’t lie to me, i just want to make sure you’re actually okay. I won’t hurt you. You know i won’t.” He was right. You used to be abused by your father when you came out as bisexual. Because of that, you were always afraid someone would harm you. This caused you to self harm, some of the scars are still there on your thighs are wrists, hence why you always wear hoodies and pants. Sure, the pants had rips in them, but it was never too visible, so you wore them anyway. Arin used to always check your wrists, but he doesn’t anymore, surprisingly. Maybe it’s because you finally got your 'happy medicine,’ as people would call it. Recently, you stopped taking them.

“(y/n)? are you okay? You kinda spaced out there. Also just know, that no one at game grumps is going to judge you or hurt you in any possible way. I’ve known these guys for a long while now, just like you. First, did you take your meds?” You huffed at that last sentence. “Yes, i took my medicine. Can we go now?” Arin picked up his keys, then you two trudged out the door and into his car. Arin glanced over to you on occasion, but you were just staring into your phone.

“Did you eat breakfast yet? Or are you hungry?” You slowly look to Arin, knowing you haven’t eaten anything in a while. The only thing he doesn’t know about you is that you’re anorexic. He has no clue you haven’t eaten in days. “Uh, no i had some toast earlier. I’ll be good.” You bluntly stated. Arin just shrugged and said they’d order pizza later anyway. Suddenly, we stopped and pulled up to a building. “Our destination awaits.” Arin took his keys, and bursted open the door like it was his home. I mean, it basically was.

“WE’RE HERE!” Arin beamed, pretty sure Britain knows we’re in the Grump space. Danny basically leapt down the stairs, and started shouting. As usual. You started shaking, you hated when people yelled. You felt a panic attack coming on, nothing new. But there was something new, not being able to see anything. There were dark and hazy colors in the corners of your eyes, tears pricking your (e/c) eyes. “A-Arin.. st.. op.” You tried to state, but no use. He couldn’t hear you. Your breathing hitched, taking rapid, short breaths. Danny looked over, his face shifting from excitement to immediate concern.

“Holy shit. Arin? What the hell is wrong with her?” Danny scoffed at Arin. “Fuck dude! She told me she took her meds!” You started to black out, feeling claustrophobic. “Don’t t-touch me!” You screamed out, that being the only thing you could say. Arin and Danny simultaneously backed up from you, giving you some more space. Arin knew what to do, so he held up his hand and signaled 5 fingers. You knew what he was doing, so you tried to take a deep breath in, then release it.

Arin continued this for a couple of minutes, then walked you over to a couch. “It’s okay, we’re here. No ones going to hurt you. Are you okay now (y/n)?” Arin asked. Danny was sat next by you, saying sweet and encouraging words to you. “T-thank you. Just maybe n-next time don’t yell when i g-get here.” Arin and Dan felt really guilty for triggering a panic attack.

About an hour later, it was just you and Danny. Arin, Suzy, Holly, Ross, and Barry all went to go shopping. No clue why, but they did. Danny offered to stay behind with you, just in case something happened. Before the group left, Arin taught Danny what to do incase you had another attack. You and Danny were left on the couch, watching whatever was on. “So, (y/n),” he fiddled with your (h/c) hair, and your head was cuddled up against his chest. You found him very warm and safe.

Your legs were tucked under your thighs, and Danny’s legs were hanging off the couch. “What do you like to do in spare time?” Danny questioned. “I just like to watch you guys’ videos. Me and Arin have the same humor. As it turns out, me and you have a ton in common too. I happen to sing sometimes, and i have uncontrollable hair.” He chuckled, and fluffed your hair up. “I can confirm.” Danny laughed. His giggle was the cutest thing you’d heard in a while. Oh god, did you have a crush on Danny? Probably.

“You want something to eat, fluff?” He gave you the nickname fluff after he messed with your hair earlier on the couch. “No, i’m- uhm.. not hungry.” You lied. You’ve been hungry for days. But you needed to be skinnier, or else no one would like you. Truth is, under the jacket you’re skin and bones. You didn’t see that though.

Danny hadn’t seen you eat all day. “You sure? You haven’t eaten all day. And you’re getting really red- you must be sweating. Why don’t you take your jacket off?” Your head started pounding. “It’s fine Danny, really.” You couldn’t even roll up your sleeves. You had scars lined up and down your arms. “If you say so. At least eat something. please? you look hungry.” Danny insisted. You finally cracked, but you didn’t eat. You showed him your stomach.

“Danny, look at me,” You stood from your position on the couch, and lifted up your hoodie and t-shirt. “Im a freak. I know. Shame me now-” Before you could say anything more, he walked over to you and gave you a bear hug. “Why do you do this to yourself?” He wondered. “Because, i’m too fat, i don’t like my body. As long as i’m alive, i’ll be fine right?.. right?” Danny didn’t say a word, he was still hugging you, his head over your shoulder. “You’re beautiful, (y/n). Please do not let anyone tell you different. I promise, you’re safe here.”

[thatfangirlingdepressedkid]

i was tagged by an anon so like here u go

LAST:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: ummmmmmmmm who uses phones anymore?

3. text message: a human

4. song listened to: Death of a Bachelor by Panic! At The Disco

5. time i cried: the question is: when am i not crying?

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated somebody twice: nope

7. been cheated on: nah

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no

9. lost someone special: mmhm this weekend actually

10. been depressed: constantly

11. gotten drunk and puked: im a minor so...yes

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. ugh black isnt a colour...ummmm...very very very dark blue

13. GAY COLOURS LITERALLY ANYTHING GAY

14. very very very dark grey

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: shoutout to my tumblr fam! oml did i just say fam. fml

16. fallen out of love: i guess so :)

17. laughed until you cried: yeah cause inside jokes ahhhhhhhh

18. found out someone was gossiping about you: ALL👏 THE👏FUCKING👏TIME LIKE SERIOUSLY GET A LIFE

19. met somebody who changed you: yup :) a couple people actually

20. find out who your true friends are: i think so? but i mean...bpd so...i guess we will never know

21. kissed somebody on your facebook list: facebook is for old people

HOW MANY/MUCH:

22. facebook friends do you have in real life: get over it facebook is so 2007

23. pets: ive had 7 fish...ive given up all hope

24. want to change name: idk maybe on my dysphoric days but not constantly

WHAT:

25. did i get for my last birthday: a phone + data and a trip to Toronto for dance as far as i know

26. time i woke up: ummmmmmm ever heard of insomnia?

27. doing at midnight: probably on tumblr while watching netflix sometimes talking to friends

28. something you cannot wait for: death

29. last time i saw my mom: 45 mins ago

30. something you wish you could change about your life: being alive

31. listening to right now: grey’s anatomy cause OML THAT SHOW IS BOMB, jesus did i just say bomb...kill me

32. something that gets on your nerves: homophobes

33. talked to a person named Tom: idfk probably ive met a lot of people through acting im almost positive that i had a producer named tom when i was like 6

34. most visited website: TUMBLR. but netflix and youtube comes a close second...not really but like i use them a lot

35. elementary school: i went to 2 and was homeschooled for some reasons but like only briefly

36. high school: im in high school? only been to 1 but homeschooling might happen probs not but maybe

37. college: probably will be dead by then...BUT...if i am unfortunately alive, ill be in LA idk what ill be doing but ill be in LA or NYC but probs LA

38. hair color: dark brown looks black in the light kinda red and brown and black UGH WORDS u need to see it to understand what im saying

39. long or short hair: TOO LONG. TOO FUCKING LONG

40. crush: a cool human

41. do you like about yourself: i am filled with self hatred. there is no room for ‘liking myself’ what are u talking about

42. piercings: nope no nah nuh uh not happening not today boo boo not today FEMALE DYSPHORIA IM SORRY

43. blood type: you would think i knew cause ive done too many blood tests to count but nope still clueless as fuck cause IM A MINOR FUCK YOU MOM

44. nickname: M, some people call me Mandy but if u call me Mandy ur dead to me

45. relationship status: taken? wow thats weird to say

46. zodiac: Pisces

47. pronouns: she/her? he/him? they/them? EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN? depends on the day i guess...or whatever im feeling? still kinda confused LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY

48. favorite show: grey’s anatomy currently but pretty little liars comes really close

49. tattoos: WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

50. right or left handed: ambidextrous get on my level

FIRST:

51. surgery: there has been too many i cant even remember my first

52. piercing: ugh refer to 42 ^^^

53. best friend: a couple of them? no names mentioned u know who u fucking are

54. sport: dance, ugh dance, love dance but like love hate, ummmm im really fucking athletic so like everything?

55. vacation: THAILAND U TAKE ME TO THAILAND U ARE OFFICALLY MY BEST FRIEND ALSO LA TAKE ME TO LA PLEASE I LOVE U FOREVER

56. pair of shoes: adidas cause i get them for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

RIGHT NOW:

57. eating: newsflash im anorexic

58. drinking: nothing? water i guess?

59. im about to: UMMMMMMMMMMMMM

60. listening to: LA Devotee by Panic! at the Disco

61. waiting for: death? thats not original...ummmmmmm summer i guess? no summer = stress ummmmmm fuck it death im waiting for fucking death. refer to my blog to understand WHY IM SUICIDAL

62. want to see: my hw finished on my table

63. want to get married: idk i guess so? probs will be dead :)

64. career: acting i think but dance is an option i mean im already in the business and working actively so why not continue? idk if i actually wanna pursue it tho

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. hugs/kisses: depends on the person ;)

66. lips/eyes: ^^^ but usually eyes cause eyes are pretty

67. shorter/taller: people are cute no matter what

68. younger/older: does it matter? “age is just a number”

69. romantic/spontaneous: romantic but i wouldnt know im making an educated guess

70. nice arms/nice stomach: nice humans

71. sensitive/loud: sensitive

72. hook up/relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker/hesitant: hesitant i think?

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger: nope

75. drank hard liquor: fuck yes gets u drunk fast

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: dont wear them...yet....we’ll see (see what i did there) (and there again) I AM AN AWFUL PERSON

77. turned someone down: yes quite often actually idk why it just happens?

78. canoodling on first date: first of all, ive never been on a date. second, im a virgin. third, WHY CANT U JUST SAY SEX? LIKE ITS NOT A BAD THING TO SAY WE ARE ON TUMBLR WHAT ARE U TALKING ABOUT...okay im done now sorry

79. broken someones heart: oops

80. had your own heart broken: mmhm all the fucking time idk why it just happens, i just realized how many times ive said that

81: been arrested: nah

82: cried when someone died: MMHM ALL FUCKING WEEKEND

83: fallen for a friend: who hasn’t like lesbihonest (sorry im just really gay)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: of course not who do u think ur talking to

85. miracles: i hope so?

86. love at first sight: ummmmm i think so? i really hope so but idk

87. Santa Clause: no but ummm idk but like no but like maybe but like no

88. kiss on first date: yeah

89. angels: i want to believe that i believe in angels but after everything that has happened to me idfk

OTHER:

90. current best friends name: fucking classified bitch leave me alone

91. eye color: hazel

92. favorite movie: anything disney cause im a disney freak ummmm The Imitation Game cause gay ummm OMG PRIDE GREAT MOVIE also love Tomboy cause it made me cry uggggh coming out ahhhhhhh tears ahhhhh

i tag everyone that reads this cause im too lazy

U BETTER DO THIS TAG ITS ACTUALLY A GOOD TAG SO LIKE

[recoverydiariesposts]

Found my sister in law's second instagram, it's not a secret it's just her other account where she's holds nothing back and talks extensively about her chronic pain, Pcos, and mental health. I'm happy she's super open about all of that, I really am but I can't help but look at this secret account of mine that isn't out in the open, at least not like insta is, this is hidden away from my family and loved ones. I know I don't deal with all the health issues she does, and maybe I'm being stupid, but I really wish I could be more open with my mental illnesses, especially the one that's actively trying to ruin my marriage.

I mean what I'm trying to say is that I saw her post on this second account from my birthday surprise party that during it she 2 suffering from severe pains and was recently told she's going into pre menopause. It broke my heart cause she didn't share her news with even me for a few more days after the party, I understand that she didn't want to ruin the day but I would've liked to do anything to help her. It just sucks OK, I'm so sad for her cause I know she wants a second child.

Anyway, Im bringing this all up because she shared that online while it was going on, and this past Sunday I did my damnest to hide one of my "episodes", if i can even call them that, during a family dinner. From the second we left the apartment to head down to his mom's town, I was flooded with anger, over nothing in particular. You know when you get heavy emotions but you can pin it on something as the root cause of that anger or anxiety or sadness? I can't 80% of the time, I have heavy emotions come on with no root cause, at least none that are obvious, and I feel so ashamed and like a goddamn toddler with all these mood swings. Half the dinner I faked a smile that my husband could tell wasnt real, and I whisper snapped at him a few times, but the restaurant was so loud his family didn't hear me. Even in the midst of the mood swing I didn't want his family to know something was wrong with me, I tried my best to push it down and fake it. Then half way through dinner, it just ended and I singed back to super happy. I know his family noticed I went from kinda quiet to super talkative. His mom does know I have issues, my husband is allowed to tell her things, especially since my mood swings cause so many fights. She's sympathetic to me, I appreciate it. But I still have this overwhelming urge to hide it all, I don't want his sisters to know I'm broken, I don't want them to not wanna hang out with me anymore cause I'm a mess, they're the only friends I've made here. I don't even know what to call this mental health issue, I'm teetering between biplor 1 and bpd, I don't even know if it's either, could be neither, could be something else entirely, could just be my depression getting much worse. I do feel more depressed this past year, but this feels different, almost like in my depressive episodes something kicks it up a notch and I become bordering on hysterical, and I dunno but to me this doesn't feel like the depression I've suffered from for years, this feels like something new and I don't like it. But anyway all I want is to be open like my sister in law is, to not feel like I have to hide when I have a bad episode. Maybe she's comfortable showing her illnesses because they're mostly internal and mental in the way that they don't really actively "come out to play", so to speak. Mine has shown me that it doesn't care if I'm out at a dinner my husband and I have been looking forward to, it will give me a massive mood swing that's nearly impossible to hide from family and strangers. I don't want them to see me in that state, and I definitely don't want to snap at them, godforbid. My husband has asked me before if I would ever snap at his family, and I've always said no but now I'm not so sure, during the dinner I held myself back from snapping at one of his sisters, and it makes me so upset at myself that I let this happen. I ruined the dinner and I know it.

Don't even get me started on my physical scars and my Ed, that's something I'm gonna hide as much as I can. I can imagine my husband's older sister refusing for me to watch our niece alone because she's scared I'll apply my disorder onto her. I wouldn't but I can see how someone would be scared I'd make their kid anorexic because of my issues. But I'm very good at faking it around family, I even eat full meals that I regret later so that no one will feel threatened. OK that sounds shit. But seriously I feel like a fuck up and so much of one that it's not even safe to show people. My episode on Sunday actually caused a fight between me and my husband when we got home, because he was mad that I tried to hide and push down my mood swing to hide it from his family. He told me that if I don't show them gradually, what will happen if/when I have a worse episodein front of them where I'm uncontrollable and hysterical and shouting, they'll think negatively of me because they won't know to the degree of how fucked up I am. I'm in the area where I don't want them to even know I have something wrong with me, I just wanna feel normal and I want them to view me as normal. Maybe I'm a narcissist because I want the world to be blind to how bad my mental health is, I want them to only see the cookie cutter shape I've shown them, not the pile of left over misshapen and burnt cookies behind the curtain. I want to be normal and I can't, so I want people to think I'm normal, it makes me feel a bit better. And if he keeps pushing me to not hide my episodes in his family's presence then I'm scared they'll see me differently or that I'll fucking mentally disturb his kid brother or our niece, I don't wanna scare them and I don't want them to be scared of me, because I think I'm scary.