#iknowiprobablysoundinsane

[kallen0016]

-Some Personal Ranting- (>`.’<) “My not so Heartwarming Story with Microtia”

Iv got ALOT wrong with me but so far the only thing that bugs me is this damn ear. Iv made peacewith the Kidney, 3 heart issues, overly high metaboism that leaves me looking anorexic, the twin removal Scars as nothing of “Me” was edited. Someone else was just removed. My Intactness has been a HUGE deal to me. Its my Body, my form. I was BORN PERFECTED!! So nothing should happen to if I dont want it. And there was a brief time I was Happy with myself. Then I lost that control. I was forced into surgery to “Correct” my ear. And you know what...I wish nothing but grievous harm to those Drs. Kid or Not I said NO!(Because apparenty kids dont get a say in what happens to their bodies) They took the form I was proud and accepting of and ruined it. Whatd it leave me with? Well. More gross scars. And a solid ear thats made having a Slanted Jaw even more of a bitch(sleep on the wrong side and my facial alignment is fucked up for days with the high possiblity of ulcers due to cheek and tongue biting in my sleep.). And something that (and as that one douche bag who I wish to lock in an Oven described it as) looks like chewed gum. Thinking of it leaves me with a sick feeling in my gut and its very hard to forget a solid and in the way thing on your face(that even makes wearing some hats annoying). Its definitely a larger condidate among the many things in my life that has shaped my abrasive, unforgiving, ect personality. I wont get anymore surgeries. I detest them. As well as they wont, or rather also, CANT put it back to the way it was. Those Half Assed “Sorrys” from my family dont help either.(you learn the differnt from real and fake emotions when you spend so much time in the side lines, you still hear and see others and how they act.) Until they really mean it (which probably will be never because they are incapable of understanding trauma) then they can just sit in Retirement homes and forget about me.                           

I used to wish I could meet someone else like me in this regard. Had a different ear. Find someone who gets it. LITERALLY GETS IT! The same thing that I gotta deal with. (The ONE time I had that chance I purposefully ignored it and neary decked my mother...because its not fucking ok to point out someones deformity in public regardless of intentions(and I couldnt face the dude after that. Embarassing..the minor glance i did see, I didnt see his ear but his face seemed more sad and annoyed that he had been pointed out “He has an ear like yours” SHHHHH!! WTF!!!) Its bad enough when people STARE at you.(Especially people from other towns who arnt used to your existence). Open words are even more embarassing. ...probably should “Glanced” to have had that “Peace of mind” atleast. But when youre the only one in your family who has common sense not to do stupid things in public...you get easily flustered and feel the need to escape.(hence I left Gamestop and headed to the Car)

Sometimes I get in these moods and google Microtia some more. but it dosnt help. All I find are things about “To get it Fix or Corrected” and so forth. It seems like nobody has the ability to look at their kids diffferent ear and be like “Nothing is wrong.” That it always has to be fixed. And the few times I tried SPECIFICALLY googling for cases where “Reconstruction treatment” was denied” I find nothing. (probaby because lack of follow ups because theres no ong a need to see the Dr and tell them your thoughts and progress..not that i would since I pretty much hate and distrust almost all Drs..but thats just me)

Being gay used to be my biggest concern in Middle School. Turned out being easy. When your the fighty type, even people who dont like you know better than to start a fight. But this ear was my first pain in the ass, and its gonna continue that way. (One time I made a story..i type alot, I forget the real plot, but some people with defects immune systems and cellular regeneration kicked in and began reconstruction The “Morphing” was painful. Basically the body broke down the scarred and parts that didnt corespond with the DNA and then reassembled them the way they were to be. Whether to the DNAs original ableit faulty state or remake an arm that didnt properly grow. It helped at the time to type something about being being me now with my Original build..but it didnt help me overall as the craving for it grew).....                                                           Even though I get lots of nice comments from guys telling me im cute, this one thing, that they all aparently never see, just gets to me. I usually live my dailly life  not overly bothered by it,(until it gets in the damn way) but sometimes...once in awhile. I get in these overwhelming moods, and nobody really understands. But its nice to atleast get it off my chest.... -.- I just need more people who know how to listen and actually reply.