#i mean i have chronic sleep issues so it's hard for me to sleep anyway | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zephfair · 5 months ago

Text

Hello? Anyone still here?

Hey, who disappeared for months and has desperately missed all her little friends who live on this hell-site but has been too exhausted and overwhelmed to actually login ... and who lost track of where this sentence was going ... Yeah, this girl.🤗

But, wow, have I missed you all and all the beauty that is Tumblr, and I hope you'll forgive me for secreting myself away since--holy cow--January.

Quick life update behind the cut.

So, I knew going back to work full-time at my age after quite a long unintended break AND now having health disabilities, well, I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have to adjust my whole, entire life. I expected it to be incredibly difficult, and I fully planned to give myself some grace and time in having to change my every routine.

But somehow, I still underestimated it.

I am so thankful to have a job now, with a steady (if small) income and benefits that frankly make me want to weep with thanks. I mean, I don't have time to go to the doctor, but at least now I could afford to go, if I could get there.

But wow, work is tough. Not just the literal work but, as I said, changing my entire life around it. I'm not complaining, but I am doing my best to learn all new skills (job is not in my old field), relearn how to work and reschedule my own needs and just upend everything.

The absolute worst thing has been trying to take care of my aunt. I was to leave town on Jan. 7 to start my training on Jan. 8.

My 90-year-old aunt fell and broke her pelvis (and a finger and needed some stitches) Jan. 2. I spent every waking hour with her over the rest of that week. While I'd planned to spend that week cleaning my house, getting my business in order and just resting, I was freaking out and traveling through the snow and literally worried sick about her.

It was bad.

And I couldn't stay with her like I did when she broke her hip because I had to attend training full-time. At least they let us come home super-early from that first on-site week of training, but that led to a literal nightmare of a drive home one night through snow, ice, rain, flooding and fog that I'm not joking I've had nightmares about before and now since. Long story.

So, I spent January and February training and working 9 hours a day then spending all day Saturday at her place cleaning and doing laundry and making sure she had everything she needed for a week, and then I had Sunday to do my own laundry and clean the house and take care of my own things...which just keep getting pushed back because I'm too worn out.

Thank God, Aunt made a miraculous recovery and now is doing her own house and laundry etc. but I still go out one day a weekend and do anything else she needs and make sure she has all her groceries and supplies and stuff.

We're all each other has.

Needless to say, I haven't been taking care of myself. I don't sleep well anyway, but add the stress of the new job and my dear aunt and my own health issues, and I'm exhausted. Weary. Overwhelmed and just so very tired. My body is so heavy, I can barely move anymore. It's bad.

And when I finally got to my doctor two weeks ago for my long-delayed check-up, found out I was right about my blood pressure being sky-high again. It went high for the first time several years ago when my Mom was dying, but it eventually settled and was fine. But yeah, it's bad again now. No shock there. And all my lovely chronic health conditions have flared which was no surprise--again, I had braced myself to expect it and power through it, and that's what I'm doing. But it sucks. And it's hard. And there's so much pain.

I don't want to say much about my job, but the over-arching Praise the Lord wonderful thing about it is working from home. There have been so many days already that I never would've been able to get to an office to work, but I can push through it here because I don't have to use any spoons to get myself "ready" (sweatshirts and leggings, no personal grooming necessary, yay), and I don't have any anxiety about driving because zero commute. It has its challenges too because Teams is a weird office communication alternative to get used to, but on the good side, I don't have to deal with interpersonal drama from co-workers.

The work itself is challenging, but I have some days where I finally feel quietly competent and think, Oh, I can actually do this. And then there are some days that leave me in tears and praying for help because it's just too hard. But there's no way I'm quitting; they're going to have to fire me because did I mention the benefits are incredible? I mean, I live in the US and if you knew how much I had to pay last year for my own health insurance, and then the scope and biopsies and then the skin cancer and surgery and then the other skin pre-cancer biopsy and treatment. Yeah, I'm still in big debt from all of that.

So I keep praying that they keep me and that I'll do a good job. And my immediate supervisor has started piling extra work on me over the past 3 weeks so suddenly I'm doing my own stuff AND cleaning up the work from co-workers who aren't keeping up. And all of them have been working since October while just a handful of us began in January?

I have been complaining about this to my aunt, and I thought it meant that my supervisor thinks I'm incapable or is punishing me for trying to get through own my entire workload every single day. But she believes he's giving me all their shit work because I'll actually do it, and I admit, I have gotten some of it completed successfully after they'd given up on it. So, I don't know.

I know that I'm a perfectionist and I've always pushed myself as hard as possible to do my best at work (not at housework and other things in my life lols) but I really hope that it gets me a good reputation at this job and they keep me.

So yeah, that's what's going on here. I've completely abandoned the fandom things in life that I actually enjoy. I almost feel, like, guilty when I'd think about trying to make some time to browse Tumblr or wasting time on social media or even trying to write fic. I get done with work at 6:30 pm, and until I get something to eat and then clean up, it's 8 or 8:30. I have to spend about an hour on the phone with Aunt (and I call her every morning, break, and lunch time too). By then, I can barely walk or move so I just try to make it upstairs to bed. Even though I can't sleep, it just feels nice to lie down.

But I miss all of you. And I miss fandom fun. And I want to be around more because maybe it would recharge me rather than me feeling so freaking overwhelmed every minute of the day.

And I promise not to complain and bitch all the time, now that I've gotten it out of my system. But thanks for listening.

I do miss you, and I love you all.

PLEASE let me know if I've missed anything important in your lives and goings on here! I've got A LOT of catching up to do!

#personal

8 notes · View notes

masterqwertster · 1 year ago

Note

For the Hurt/Comfort Dialogue Prompts, #27. Orym and Ashton.

I'm obsessed with how Taliesin clearly rolled an insight check last episode to see if Ashton noticed that Orym didn't sleep. Carry the halfling, let him sleep while they travel. Put him in a Baby Bjorn if you must. Bonus points for Orym being worried about Ashton's chronic pain.

(That said, I'm in Ashrym Hell right now and I love Hurt/Comfort. I would take stories about them for any of these prompts and chew on them for days. 😂)

27 "I'm going to carry you, okay?" Not sure how much this is going to help with your hell since I write them platonic. But here we go. (And I don't use the quote directly, but the spirit is there, okay?) Prompt

Ashton falls back from the group, just enough to get a quiet private conversation, as Orym does his little catch-up jog for the fifth time, that they've seen.

Once he's in range, they don't even hesitate to scoop him up like a sack of potatoes, held casually under one arm. There's a squeak and some flailing from the little halfling fighter, but it sure as fuck isn't enough to make them drop their impromptu package.

"Ashton?" Orym warily asks once he's assessed that he's not going to slip free without effort.

"Can't have you constantly falling behind," Ashton says, explaining everything and nothing in that way he's practiced for years.

"I'm keeping up," Orym stubbornly insists. "So you can put me down. I'm-"

"If you finish that with 'fine,' I'm gonna pinch you hard enough to fucking bruise," Ashton threateningly cuts him off.

Orym's lips thin as he seriously considers saying he's fine anyways. A bruise would give him something to press on-

Apparently he'd paused too long, or the thoughts were clear on his face, because in a quick movement, Ashton bounces Orym, driving the breath from his lungs as his armor slaps against the solid stone of their arm, both of which are much harder than his own chest.

"Don't you fucking dare," they growl. The previous threat wasn't empty, they don't really do empty threats, but that didn't mean they wanted to carry it out either. "No one here is fucking fine. You having to jog to catch up with us when you usually have no issue keeping pace with bigger folk is a pretty fucking obvious tell."

And Orym just kind of goes limp once baldly faced with his performance failure.

"This can't be comfortable," he quietly says.

"I mean, there's probably better holds than this," Ashton says with a shrug that lifts Orym a little. "But considering you're maybe half as heavy as my hammer fully kitted and soaking wet, I could do this all day." Which is a vague threat that if the halfling doesn't cooperate and give his little legs a fucking break, they will carry him until the group makes camp.

"...So walking isn't an option for me right now, is it?" Orym asks resignedly. He doesn't much believe in his ability to out-stubborn the genasi while fighting sleep deprivation.

"Glad we can come to an understanding," Ashton answers with a shit-eating grin.

"About that better hold..." Orym prompts after a few moments, squirming a little bit in an attempt to keep an edge of his armor from pressing into his torso quite so much.

"Sure. ...Would my hair be a problem for sitting up on my shoulders?" Ashton agrees, gesturing to the crystalline points on his head.

"I... don't think so? Breast plate should keep anything from poking me. But your shoulder-" Orym says, considering the gold thickly webbed over their left shoulder, the thin lines of gold that wrap their upper right arm.

"Will be fucking fine," Ashton steamrolls over the worry. "Like I said, you're a light little fucker. Not gonna be a problem."

"...Okay," Orym agrees after a silent breath in and out.

A bit of shuffling and Orym is seated up on Ashton's shoulders, legs dangling around their neck, his breast plate gently pressed into his chest by the volume of crystal hair before him.

It's a careful balancing act on Orym's part to not dig his heels into Ashton's chest or grip onto their head or scarred shoulders to remain upright through the sway of their stride.

Orym has to ride out the huff Ashton releases a few minutes later.

"You can grip my hair. As long as you're not trying to jerk my head around, I won't even really feel it," they grumble. Then their hands come up and press his feet tighter against their chest. "And as long as you aren't fucking kicking me, this is fine too."

"Okay." And small hands wrap around amethyst crystal, establishing a stabilizing grip while leaving his feet in the tightened position Ashton had guided them into.

Orym is starting to resign himself to the idea that Ashton doesn't actually want special treatment over his chronic pain, just a willingness to back off when he's not in the mood for touch.

At least from people he trusts. The genasi still avoids all contact possible with strangers.

A while later, Ashton chuckles as softly as they can, trying to keep their upper body still to maintain a potentially precarious balance with their hands swallowing tiny calves.

After all, he can hear soft snores coming from above his head.

#MQ&A #critical role #ashton greymoore #orym of the air ashari #MQfic #hurt comfort dialogue prompt

41 notes · View notes

thepalaceofmelanie · 10 months ago

Text

Martell Week: Character of the Day: Elia Martell

Tag list: @adriennegabriella @morby @wingsoftheangels @candycanes19 @tashastrange89 @elvinaa

(A/N: Going an AU route with this one. As someone who like Elia has, chronic illness; I wanted to write something on this. I’m not planning on having this as a self-insert but I’m basing certain things off my issues. Character won’t be named or described.)

TW: Medical talk, wanting to give up (not the hard S, you two are just tired.), mention of cheating and death.

Song inspired: “Aerith’s Theme” from Final Fantasy VII

Character of the Day: Elia Martell

“Elia, how are you?” I asked.

It was shockingly a good energy day for us both. We found ourselves at a Tim Hortons having something to drink. The smell of the mocha ice capp filled my noise, made sure to have extra chocolate in it.

“Hey you, I’m okay today. How about yourself?” She asked in returned.

The weather was warm, so at least our anemia won’t start making it cold for us. Elia took a sip of her iced tea and I could see she was trying to smile through a storm in her body. Both of us born premature, but our conditions differ a lot.

“To be honest, I’m just tired of it all. I don’t want to die, but I just want to sleep till they make a cure for everything. I can’t regulate my thyroid; I’ve only done it once… so now the Endo, thinks I have not just Hashi’s, not just hypo, but also hyper! Honestly, between the medication, the blood work, the side effects, and everything, I just…”

“I understand, and then when they tell you “it’s going to be okay.” a part of you feels like they’re lying. They don’t understand what people like me and, you go through every second of our lives. Then again, we don’t understand either. So, the point is moot.”

Elia, she must have had a rough morning though with the kids; she didn’t even braid her hair like she normally would.

“How’s Rhaenys and Aegon? I’m guessing their Father is watching them?”

Meaning Rhaegar, I don’t like using his name or talking about him. I mean he cheated on Elia, how does someone forgive that?

“Yes, he is. It’s his day to have the children anyways. So I guess it works out for me.” She semi-chuckled.

“Your heart?” I asked.

Elia’s eyes tried to give some spark of hope; I knew it was bad news.

“They still don’t know what’s going on. They tried an echo-cardiogram but they found nothing. I nearly dropped to the floor twice yesterday.”

Yikes!

They really need to find out what’s causing this and soon. I’m worried she’s going to hit her head and those children won’t have their Mom around. I feel her take my hand in hers, I could see her trying to hold back tears.

She’s scared.

I don’t blame her one bit.

“All I feel that I can do is say that “I’m sorry” but honestly, we both got to be fed up hearing that phrase. I don’t know what I can do for you to be okay as best as you can feel.”

“Just still be my friend. Knowing I’m not alone, helps at times.”

I nodded, if that’s what it takes, I can try. She knows we can’t make promises; some of us just can’t keep them. If we do, nine-times out of ten, we have to cancel last second. For us just to meet together today was a big thing.

We both drink our drinks in silence.

Moments past, the sounds of the shop filled our ears; the smell of the cafe woke people up and the two of us were thinking of what to say next.

Both of us probably already wanting to go back to sleep.

“What was your panel?” She asked.

“My T4 was normal, it’s the TSH was high. About 36.88.”

“How do you feel though?”

“Believe it or not, I’m fine. I feel “normal” I suppose. I’m not tired or losing hair any different or whatever else. I just been having a hard time eating and honestly taking the meds at times.”

“Please tell me you didn’t cause this.”

“Why my thyroid is effed? I can’t tell you anymore, I don’t know. I’m more worried about my mental health half the time.”

Elia squeezed my hand lightly, trying to get me to smile. I can’t smile at this, the fact that my body is ill like this and I’m not sure if I’m at fault or not, really does suck.

“Yours?” I asked.

“It’s a little under but I hope the new dosage helps.” She smiled.

“Yeah, for sure, you need your energy basically watching over the children. At least Oberyn and Doran are helping as well. They’re both good men.”

“I do love my brothers, Oberyn though is my favorite; out of all my family, he supports me the most.”

I felt a pang of envy in my heart, her family loves and cares about her. My Father...not so much at times. It took him years to believe in my depression and anxiety. Elia could tell something was wrong, her facal expression showed it.

Sorrow…

“I’m fine, I’m honestly happy for you. It just sucks that not everyone’s accepting like Oberyn and Doran are.”

“I agree with you; just because your Father doesn’t see your illnesses doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s real just like us, it exists like us, but it haunts us.”

We both pause, feeling like time stopped. We both finished our drinks and tossed them into the trash, before sitting back down.

“Will you be alright?” Her voice cut gently.

“I will be, I’m just used to it by now. I’ve had certain issues from a young age and the thyroid didn’t get put on paper till a few weeks before my fifteenth birthday. Picture this, you get home from a wonderful vacation with your Father; you go into the doctors and they tell you, you have this issue and basically you’re stuck on meds forever, it messes with everything in your system. Seriously, this sucks, but I’m just so used to it by now; what people say to me doesn’t even phase me anymore.”

Elia didn’t say anything. I could tell she was taking in what I had said.

“But you’re here, you’re dealing with it.”

“So are you.”

She’s right…

We are.

“Your hopes and dreams matter, of course I could go into the whole “Life gets better” and such, but we don’t always want to hear it. That’s fine...do you remember how I asked if we could both do this thing? That list about reasons to keep going.”

“Yeah, I wrote mine on my phone.”

I take my phone out and go to note pad. I noticed she took out her notebook and sat it in front of her. She asked me to list at least three things before we met next, I guess we were both able to do it.

“Okay we’ll trade off. I’ll go first. First reason to keep going is to love my children and be a good Mother.”

“That’s a real sweet one. Okay first reason to keep going, to find a partner.”

I blushed, but I’m lonely. It didn’t matter if it was platonic or romantic at this part; but I knew that would be years later. I have to work on myself first.

“Second reason is to support my brothers when they’re dealing with something.”

“Elia, c’mon, you could have had the first one just be “family” and called it a day!”

The two of us laughed; she knew I had a point, but we both did need the laugh. I’m thankful for her friendship. Elia was always that person who would pour her heart and soul into life; she truly loved her family.

Damn you, Rhaegar, you fuck up.

“Reason two, to kick the ever living crap out of Rhaegar. Listen, if he wasn’t happy, he should have just told you and do something about it. That’s not right what he pulled; did he even ask for an open marriage or whatever before you found out?”

There’s nothing wrong with polyamory, open marriages, ect, but for the love of the gods!

“No, he didn’t. To say the least Oberyn and Doran want to throw hands,” Elia laughed. “Okay, seriously, last reason. To actually have a good life.”

Honestly, that was a reasonable thing. It would be hard but you know, sometimes we don’t know what life has planned for us. I just hope she doesn’t see her last sunrise before achieving this. With being chronically ill, it’s like our bodies are time bombs, depending on what’s going on with the person. With my thyroid issue, my thyroid is slowly dying because the white blood cells are attacking it.

“Yours?”

Oh right…

“To see my favorite band in concert for the third time.”

I could see her smile at that; to her it was a good one. The rest of the time, we talked; we talked about old memories, we cried, laugh and just tried to live for the moment. But little did I know was…

This would be the last time I’d see Elia.

#martell week #Elia Martell #AU #angst #wanted a happy ending but its bittersweet

15 notes · View notes

cryptoradfemme · 2 months ago

Text

TW: Opinion LMAO

Very hot take: Lesbian politicism is stupid. You can be a radical feminist and still date a man. Some people are just so chronically online they'll tell you that you can't. Yes, men abuse, yes, men rape, kill, pillage, etcetera. You don't think women who are bisexual or straight acknowledge that? Some people choose to be a radical feminist and still be romantical in the same way that some radical feminists who are lesbian do. It's weird how some of you have made it so that only lesbians can date under radical feminism. If they find out the hard way their boyfriend has sick thoughts, then they find out the hard way like god intended. Men can be secretly predatory, that's true, but living your life in fear and regretting it later is more stupid. Stop trying to control who women date, now you just sound like the enemy. If they have sex with a man, if they choose to have a child, then holy shit.. I mean wow. She made that choice. You know women weren't able to do that before, yeah?? That's a pretty big step. She, the woman, made the choice to sleep with a guy and have a child with him on her terms. And he didn't force himself onto her? Progress. Okay? Progress people. Stop fear mongering, you're resetting progress. Why not post about the good parts, just like how climate change blogs will post the shit things that are happening in the world but sprinkle in some of the good things. Maybe stuff like "Dude gets arrested for being a rank pos"? "Pedophile ring gets exposed everyone celebrates"? "Women get a win for once in court cases"? Post about news from around the world. If you just post about the terrible things happening you'll fall down a mental pipe of shit. Trust me, its terrible. You'll be scared to go outside, scared to do anything. Scared to interact with even normal everyday dudes. The point is, yes, shits happening. That is a fact that nobody can deny. Men can be terrible and they're being taught to this day to still be terrible. But you know what? That doesn't mean you can't have some hope. When you lose hope, you start sounding crazy. You sound like me back in 2020 when i seriously thought that everyone was out to get me. I became a shut in, i didn't go out, i didn't make friends, i didn't do anything. I was so afraid every friend i met would be some scary son of a gun because a lot of them kept turning on me. You can't do that. You can't be afraid of every guy you meet. You will go crazy and it's unhealthy to promote this type of shit to younger girls especially around my age. I'm so fucking lucky i haven't lost my mind to this yet from listening to some of you chat about this stuff like it's completely normal. If you can't have optimism and keep trying and keep hoping, you will lose at life. I didn't get out of my slump by farting around and keeping up that mindset.

In the end, let women have identities without you needing to chime in and shit on them the same way guys shat on you for being a teen girl once. If a girls bisexual, straight, lesbian, let it happen. Like that's even your business anyways dude. Stop dictating who dates who. Woman up maybe? I don't know. It's not like every single guy out there is shit for brains. Yeah, it's a majority in the same way you wouldn't know if that snake in your backyard is poisonous or not, but some of those snakes aren't poisonous. The point is to be vigilant, to speak out about womens issues, to help younger women and older women navigate through a life that strips them of their choice and rights, but to also not lose yourself in it. Take up hobbies, actually talk to some guys for once too. You're an extremist, not a radical. That's a totally different branch at that point. So yes. Let women date men if its what they want. You can warn them about the dangers and still let people do it. It's like saying "This roller coaster might brake down because it's old and rust, do you want to ride it anyway?" Usually the answer is yes especially if its your favorite roller coaster.

Liberal feminism - Bunch of spiritualist "boss girl" written in pink glitter font with a bit of "not all men" mixed in there with tra acceptance. They are pro sex work and pro porn. They are scratching only the tip of the iceberg and this is where most people start out.

Radical feminism - Just right, it's a perfect balance. Teaching women to be vigilant, acknowledging that you can't make "acceptances" for certain groups who threaten womens liberty and rights. Anti trans, anti gender conforming. Open to criticism, and hasn't completely lost their minds. The 4b movement is welcomed, It's anti sex work, Anti porn, And its balanced between leftism and rightism. Relies on understanding how capitalism affects women day to day and reflects on issues even far across the globe. It isn't American centered. You realize the importance of working with men but also against them to maintain some sense of harmony.

Extremist feminism - Anti men completely. You hate them so much you would go lengths just to avoid them. You believe they'll never change, not even in the future. You also hate tras but you want to be violent against them, not help them. You don't get outside much, your fear mongering has completely taken over your brain to the point you have no male friends because you think males are out to get you at every single waking second. You think they're under you and you don't dream of a world of equality, you dream of revenge. You're probably accidentally racist at some points in your life.

#terfsafe #terfblr #terfism #radical feminism #crypto radfem #radical feminist community #radical feminist safe #radblr #radical feminists do interact #gender critical #gender criticism #gendercrit #biology

3 notes · View notes

timemachineyeah · 5 months ago

Text

I know Biden recommended cannabis be recategorized from a Schedule 1 drug to something more reasonable but has any action been taken by the DEA or FDA to act on that? I don’t think he can tell them what to do, only make recommendations.

I know this is old news but I’m just having a new bout of being frustrated by our historical and historical and ongoing racism etc. We should have so much more research available at this point than we do. It’s absurd how little we actually know about different cannabinoids and side effects and impacts. My own reasons are personal and selfish but that doesn’t change that it’s an important issue. personal ranting follows

I am, probably as a byproduct of scrupulosity instilled by a frightening religious upbringing, somewhat paranoid about things like cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome. I basically expect the worst possible consequences to hit me immediately from any even mildly hedonistic or enjoyable activity. If something is good for me or I like it but other people fearmonger about it, some part of me always suspects they’re right. Going to hell for being bi, will get pregnant and die if I fuck ever, etc. And I combat this by trying to be informed of real risks and remind myself of data. It is not great at dealing with my underlying issues, but it helps with immediate anxiety at least.

Anyway I threw up before work this morning. It was not a long or violent thing. I took a bite of my breakfast, felt a deep pit of horridness, vomited what was basically just tea into my hand. It delayed my workday because I had to take a shower and wash my splashed upon hair.

I hadn’t had weed in a few days. I had noticed my doses were getting higher and had stopped on my own to save money and do a tolerance break and general health reset. I know this is hard for a lot of people, but while I would be sad if I could never have weed again, I don’t think it would be terribly difficult for me. I’ve quit for long periods before. I could again. I have an addictive personality in many ways, but quitting things like dairy or gluten (things I’ve done in the past for similar “let’s see how I feel!” reasons - chronic illness compels you to try shit) and those are way more difficult than weed.

There are mobile games and websites I’ve found more addictive and detrimental to my health than weed (and that’s without spending money!).

It helps with my pain, with my anxiety, and with my mood. It can help with sleep for me, though I gotta get the dosage right.

But I talked about a different gastrointestinal weirdness a while back - where for a few weeks I often felt an immediate need to vomit (or sometimes have violent diarrhea) upon being hit by the hot water in the shower. Not every time, but often enough to spot a pattern. This was a year or two ago I think? I could find the post but I’m lazy and won’t. But it was irregular enough that I was never able to figure out whether temperature really mattered or anything else for certain before it stopped happening.

and I remember all the websearches at the time bringing back CHS, and being like “this sounds like it describes a higher amount of weed than I am using, and also that hot water relieves the nausea, not causes it, so I don’t think that’s right??”

and it’s probably not. I didn’t always have an iron constitution prior to becoming disabled, and I was already disabled for years for years prior to starting weed. Probably I should do a FODMAP diet or something (I have the workbooks - it’s just a lot of work to go on such a restrictive diet - it’s the kind of thing that takes planning. I was working on it and then got in my car accident and then had a major health crash and just did not have it in me to do more than white knuckle through my job for months while I recovered my energy and ANYWAY), but the point is - I almost certainly don’t have CHS as described. That is not the deal.

But what IF my edible use is doing something? I mean - it could be! We don’t know what mechanism causes CHS. We just know that cannabis is notoriously really good for nausea, except in some rare (but more frequent as cannabis becomes more available) high use cases where it instead causes severe uncontrollable vomiting. It clearly likes to play with your digestion! And we also know that with CHS, for some reason temperature plays a role. Hot baths and showers (and, anecdotally, capsaicin creams) reduce or eliminate the nausea. Seemingly, the hotter the better. It’s the weirdest telltale sign.

And it’s just bonkers to me that we don’t know more about it. That’s all. It’s 2024 and we should know more about the components of weed, what they do, how to separate them out to make various products with more specific effects. And it’s not that no one is working on it, people are. But right now what consumers are left with is that usually the biggest experts are also the businesses growing and manufacturing and selling weed, who have a clear conflict of interest when it comes to how they communicate the impacts of their products, and also aren’t going to motivated to do the same kind of research that someone like a gastroenterologist would.

But that research is so much harder to do because it’s a fucking Schedule 1 drug for no good reason.

I’m just mad I’m not in a better timeline where better science has already been done. And all of this from my anxiety about vomiting this morning.

#timemachine wuz here #drugs #cannabis

5 notes · View notes

fishedeyelenz · 11 months ago

Note

Fishy!! Fish fish! It’s me! The, the long anon…? I mean yeah that works lol. Oooough fishy, OOOOUUUGGH…..I just went through my fourth surgery on my bloody knee and it’s still not fixed and correct and it hurts and oooooough….im about to RIP my leg off and THROW IT!! Or bite it off. Or…man I don’t know, shuck my kneecap like an oyster or SOMETHING.

So! I obviously cannot help but wonder….how would our dearest little twerp Billy handle an s/o with physical health problems? I have MANY issues, oh yes many, I’m very gifted in fact! Very talented. (But for real I’m actually okay) I’m sorry, I know this is like, super specific but…well, I have many physical limitations, I have POTS, neuropathy, complex regional pain syndrome, EDS, my stomach organ doesn’t work properly and I throw up my food when I eat unless I lay down and try to sleep, or am very still while laying down, just, lots of things, I’ve had to be in a wheelchair for long periods of time many times, saying all of this to give you an idea how I’m rather…a weak individual overall, but I love to play and roughhouse I just gotta, be careful and I can’t do a lot at a time lol. Which is hard for me sometimes cause I’m EXTREMELY strong willed when it comes to just, grinning and bearing it, an basically am willing to kill myself from pushing myself too much cause I wanna bloody do what I want!

Okay so, how would Billy be with someone like that? Someone like me? Someone who has (lots of) leg troubles or who has heart problems or maybe you can’t be too too rough with cause of chronic pain? Would HE be the one too scared to mess with me? For fear of hurting me? Would he understand? I have my own ideas and hopes, but I freaking love the way you write him, so I gotta ask!

I wonder if it would make him almost…more willing to show himself sooner…cause I wonder if like…should Billy have an object of affection that he pines for and stalks from afar in his little attic nest, but his object of affection if one who kinda…has to limp and hobble or roll around in a chair and is slow and kind of sickly at times, I can’t help but wonder if he’d almost work himself up wanting to help, in his mind, in his own billy way? Like in his mind he kind of mother hens from afar, with the way he thinks, and the fact that the s/o is, in his mind, weaker than him, for once he could take care of them, HE is the healthy one for once! HE is the strong one this time! HE’S the normal one, and it’s something he never even knew could happen in anyway! Like, I bet it would make him puff up his chest with pride by like, sneaking an extra blanket on them or something small, cause to him it’s it’s HUGE, HUGE that he of all people could actually offer something to someone! Something we all know he doesn’t think is possible!

Ooough I’m sorry,y mind is CURSED with far too many ideas and scenarios that are too gentle and sweet!! I think of all kinds of evil disgusting things…y’all would be horrified. *mushy loving sentimental things*

AND OH TO BE A KITTY WITH HIM. He can bite me with love all he wants, cause I DO THAT! I’m constantly biting my parents and siblings and nieces and nephews! It really is a love language I’m telling you. *naws on him like a chew toy*

ALSO I CANT WHISTLE!! I want to so badly!! He could teach me!! I bet he’d love trying to teach someone something, and we could laugh at how bad I am at it! But I’ve been practicing, I can….almost….ALMOST make a whistle sound…just…not…YET

Hello!! Finally tumbrl let me answer this ask </3 sorry about the delay. I hope you are doing well, and you're recovery is going good!! I hope your knee is managing to heal :( As for Billy... yeah I do think he would show himself sooner to you!! Especially if he develops an obsession on you, cause alas, relationships with him would start off as obsessions </3 But yeah, he would take notice of how you appear to be sick more often than not, and at first it let's him put his guard down around you for a bit. If you're weak, it means you can't hurt him, right? But as time moves on and he develops a genuine fondness for you (a thing he thought he wasn't capable of) he would start trying to take care of you from afar. Leaving your meds close by so you aways have them at hand, adjusting the temperature of your room while you sleep, small stuff like that. I actually think that he wouldn't even reveal himself to you willingly, rather you catch him one day acccidentaly while he's trying to help you from the shadows. A terrifying moment for you both, but you'll laugh about it later.

And yes, he would feel personally responsible for you, and would look out to aways make you feel good or better. Maybe it would actually push him to seek help, go to a therapist maybe, so he could take even better care of you. Cause I can see him having a rough start in your relationship, with him being unstable making him isolate himself from you. One of the main things he fears is of course hurting you, from being too rough with you. I guess you could help help each other with that, you helping him take care of his mental health, him taking care of your physical health.

AND TO BE A KITTY WITH HIM!! It might take time for you to roughhouse together, since his fear of being too rough with you, but when he learns ro better control himself and trust himself, he might just bite back.

And keep on trying whistling!! It took me two years to learn, but in the end it all payed off!! Billy would definitely try to help too hehehe!!

Anyways!! Thanks for the ask long anon!! Took me a while to reply, but I finally got it out!! Hehhehe

#billy lenz #asks

3 notes · View notes

kimmimaru · 1 year ago

Text

So, probably a bit TMI (mentions of mental health) for random internet strangers but oh well. I'm sticking it under a cut for people who don't care lol.

So, I've been having a...difficult time lately. I'll keep it simple and just say I'm struggling pretty bad with personal shit. Anyway, I was considering looking into counselling but the NHS no longer fund talking therapy, it's only CBT and stuff which is helpful but not what I need. So I'd have to pay through the nose. And even if I could afford it I've only been able to find 1 single person in my entire town who specialises in treating autistic people. There may be more but honestly I have no idea where to even begin looking. Also like there's loads of groups for older people and people with toddlers but nothing for parents of older kids, groups for the parents I mean. I struggle very badly with making friends and talking to people, I'm awkward as fuck and have no idea how to socialise. Unfortunately I'm not a child so don't have anywhere to go to meet people like me. It's hard to make friends when neurotypicals have an instinctual dislike of autistic people (ok not everyone but apparently they can identify people as 'weird' without even speaking to them and generally tend to avoid us). Sorry, I did say this was probably TMI, but I'm just so fucking lonely and so stressed I'm having heart palpitations. I'm not sleeping either and unfortunately I don't have anyone to actually talk to about it so this is why I'm posting this here. Its at least just getting it all off my chest, even if it's not a long term solution maybe it'll be enough to actually help me get some sleep tonight. My mum was the person I talked to about all this shit, the only one I felt I could actually confide in and she's gone. I have family but they're busy with their own lives and tbh...I never felt like they ever really got me. My dad's a very closed off man, not in a cold way, he was always affectionate but he and my mum got divorced a long time ago and since then I've never felt able to talk to him about deep stuff. I suppose it's something to do with broken trust and all that crap. My sisters are way too busy and have their own problems and lives and my only brother is a lot older than me and far away. They all love me and care about me, I have never doubted it but none of them are neurodivergent. They don't understand me really and never have (that's not a self pitying 'oh woe is me' it's just a fact). It's a very weird feeling to be surrounded by people who love you but knowing they just don't get you. I am extremely aware that people would kill to have what I do, a big, loving family and they try really hard to understand and help but sometimes you just need more weirdos like you who see the world the same way and have the same kind of issues you do. What I want is a day. Just one single fucking day where I can just do what I need to do around the house without just staring at it for hours before I work up the spoons to do it. I want one day where I can actually do something creative as I've lost my drive (probably temporary, depression usually has the opposite affect on me and I write MORE when I'm depressed for some reason). I want to play with my daughter without constantly worrying about if she'll eat something other than junk food (she's an extremely picky eater), or is she'll take a bath without a fight or if she'll actually drink something for a change (yes, we are in contact with doctors about all this, it's just an extremely slow process). I want to wake up and not be exhausted for a change, I want to not be in constant pain for no fucking reason (chronic fatigue...yay). I want to not spend my days unable to focus on anything, to not be constantly disassociating because my stupid brain can't cope with too much sensory input. I am exhausted, I'm grieving and I just want to be normal for a fucking change. Anyway, it's all a lot more complicated than what I've written and it's very unlikely this makes any sense at all. But I needed to write it down, to tell someone, somewhere just so I can stop obsessing over all these thoughts. Maybe now I can sleep.

#Rant post #very long #I don't expect anyone to read this it's a little bit more personal than what I usually post and I'm sorry for that

5 notes · View notes

smrtelnaaleziva · 10 months ago

Text

(long post; no tw, i am just sad)

i do not know if this is just me and i am complaining too much or if other chronically ill (or even disabled) people can relate to this but dae take it really badly when their health issues fuck them over, especially if it is at the worst possible time?

for background, i have severe migraines (i dont consider myself diasbled but i have them frequently enough for it to be an issue, in december alone i had 15 headache days) and i have severe mental illness. i am also uni student.

last week i had six finals that i studied like crazy for (except for latin cause i really did not have energy for that one). on thursday i was supposed to have three. the entire week my anxiety has been horrible and on thursday i woke up with awful migraine.

i went to the first final that i had at 8 AM. because i did really well on exams before, i only needed one point out of six. i took otc medicine bc i still thought that maybe it isnt that bad, i am afraid of taking my sumatriptan too much (mistake). before i even got to school, my migraine progressed so much i started having trouble with my vision (in general my vision is bad but glasses correct it - that doesnt happen during my bad migraines). my vision was spotty and really blurry in one of my eyes and i couldnt read.

i took the first final. i got 0.75 points. awesome.

i didnt even bother going to the second one (it was latin anyway, there was 50-50 chance i fail), instead i went back to dorms and i am glad i did because i started puking. i managed to take my sumatriptan, another otc analgesic and used anxiety medicine to knock myself out so i get at least some sleep before the last final that i had in the afternoon.

it helped, i mean i still had bad migraine but at least it was dulled now. i passed, surprisingly bc my eyesight was still pretty bad and that doesnt mix well with lab work so i am glad.

now, failing a final in my country isnt that bad of a thing? like they dont count towards our gpa, only major exams do. i have eleven subjects this semester and only four of them have major exams so that is fine. you need to pass the finals to be able to take the major exams but you get three attempts at every one of them. that means that yeah, they are hard, but one bad day like this doesnt fuck you over as much.

i am still extremely upset by the whole thing. i worked really hard to pass, arguably more than some other people, but i still failed due to circumstances outside of my control. i hate hate being chronically ill. it feels like i really need to work way harder than other people to be on their level due to my memory issues caused by my mental illness... and i can still fuck up just because my brain decides to fuck me over.

i know the world is unfair and all that stuff but i am still upset by this fact. if feels really unfair. i often daydream about being completely okay and how my life would be if i was. but i am not. that is the reality. there is no permanent cure for migraines, there is no way i will ever fully recover from my mental illness. so i am sad, obviously. and when i having hard time to accept this and cry about it, my mum tells me i need to stop pitying myself and instead focus on the future. i know she is well meaning and probably right but it still feels very invalidating.

idk, am i being too dramatic or is this normal reaction? either way, it still sucks. i am not sure why i am writing this, maybe to complain, but i guess i really need someone to tell me i am not crazy for thinking like this.

#chronic migraines #migraine #actually schizoaffective #actually psychotic #chronically ill #vent #i am writing this at 3 am so maybe i am too tired to think clearly #anyway thank you for coming to my complaining sesion #complaining

1 note · View note

youdontknowwheretogofromhere · 1 month ago

Text

saturday, october 5, 2024 11:01 pm

i have a headache and i want to complain so

I’m in a really bad mood kinda and i have this shitty headache and my brothers in the hospital and i can’t listen to music without getting upset but I’m uncomfortable cuz i really want to listen to something

so i live with my sister and her kids right? and she in the middle of getting a divorce but like they still live together. so like they fight all the time and niggas(i don’t usually use this online but i’m mad as fuck so who cares anyways[did i ever say i was black?]) always end up getting involved and her fuck ass stupid babydaddy is yelling at me and doing all this bs. i need that guy to die. this nigga got drunk last night and cuz my sister didn’t want to endanger her kids she called the police, tell me why he woke up the next morning and didn’t even remember it happened? seriously fuck this guy, i HATE him HATE HATE HATE. this nigga makes me feel like am from i have no mouth and i must scream cuz it’s just pure hate. and then this guy is saying we have to move out in two weeks even though last week he said the end of the year when he knows we don’t have any money and my brother is literally in the fucking hospital

fuck anyway. i was gonna make a post the day he had to go but i didn’t feel like writing anything but now i can’t sleep and I’m trying to draw and I’m pissed off with a headache so. we was feeling really sick for like a week or since like monday or saturday right? and he like couldn’t stand or move or get up and so thursday my mom was like, “okay we need to get you to the hospital because this isn’t what colds are like”. so he goes to the hospital and they diagnose him with chronic appendicitis and he has to get emergency surgery. he’s been in the hospital ever since and i just visited him today and stayed for 6 hours or something like that. it was from like 11 to 5 pm. he’s not reallly getting better. the surgery went well and all but he hasn’t been able to eat and anytime he eats he throws up so they keep extending his stay like every day. i know he’s gonna be okay i just feel really bad for him cuz like he’s in a lot of pain

okay next thing. so i struggle with like feeling like no one cares about me or anything i do and i feel really lonely all the time right? and so every time someone doesn’t respond to me or they stop messaging or talking to me for a few hours/days or they start talking to me less, i feel like they hate me and they’re trying not to be mean and hoping i take the hint and just fuck off and leave them alone. and of course, because i’ve been working on myself for the past couple of months, i’ve been working on this too and i’ve gotten better and tried not to jump to conclusion. but, i have this issue with my bf(idefk anymore bro T-T) so like he’s just got a job(YAY!! i was so happy for him when he told me) so maybe that’s what he’s busy with but like remember when i said he doesn’t message me unless i message him first? now even when i message him he won’t reply for hours or he will then i’ll respond then he’ll stop talking . and he’s probably genuinely busy or something i just wish he’d tell me but i don’t want to bring it up because i don’t want to seem like some clingy annoying idiot and i don’t like bothering people so idk what to do. and like i really like this guy, i think about him all the time and it’s so fucking lame but i enjoy thinking about him and we don’t talk as much and we haven’t called in weeks and i should just kill myself. sorry that isn’t funny. anyways, i’ve been trying not to take it too hard and telling myself that he still likes me and he wasn’t using me for anything and that he’s just busy, but i think I’m like super paranoid or something and I’m still super freaked about it.

i just realized these are three really long paragraphs about shit no one cares about. sometimes i really want to kill myself. and i don’t think anyone would be too upset. they’d come to my funeral, they’d eat, then they’d forget my name until the eulogy and i would just be gone. i wish any cared or pretend to.

sorry. I’m being really dramatic. i just feel horrible today. thank you for reading this. i love you a lot. I’m glad you care, even a little, just enough to sit through my stupid ramblings. i hope you’re laughing or maybe crying or feeling pity or anything at all. i hope my words cause a reaction in you. i hope i do anything at all. i love you. it’s true, pure love. so much love inside of my heart and if you care at all i will give it all to you. i love you.

11:28 pm

i keep mourning myself

#complaining #diary #i’m so annoying #w and the great big white #i should kill myself #i love you #i love you so much #i want to cry #but i can’t #thanks for reading #it all means so much #yet I’m so little #thank you

0 notes

sincelastsession · 4 months ago

Text

I have been unable to sleep and then I finally did pass out today I'm from lack of sleep and Woke up I was very anxious And nauseated and I don't know if the 2 are synonymous or if I'm sick I don't think I'm sick though unless I eat something bad. Anyway I feel awful right now like just mentally like not a harm to myself or others but just Pretty fucking mean brain time.

And I have been trying very hard to ignore that because it's very intrusive and I have absolutely no desire to go that direction that my brain is just slamming me with

So yeah I've just been an anxious mess with a stomach that's fucked up and I am crying like a baby and I don't even really know why like I was not in a bad mood I don't know if I just had a regular no trigger panic and anxiety attack but I did take my meds and I do feel calmer but I'm still weepy and I don't like this

So the neighbors that have been torturing me have let new neighbors know about me and my neighbor who went up to the front office and raised hell because they weren't listening to me and they needed someone else to go up there to prove it for some fucking dumb reason

I've gotten my security camera it won't be installed till the weekend unless I can find somebody to come out tomorrow evening

Since the people in apartment 60 are going to have the at least not renewed That means that I won't have to deal with them for a super long time or at least my neighbor won't

My parents have told me that I will be moving in September I don't know if I should believe them I am very exhausted from all these stupid events that don't even have to do with me but I was roped into and then unroped myself because hell no

Like I just I don't have the mental capacity and I don't feel good like I'm dealing with chronic pain and all sorts of other health issues right now and I don't fucking want to deal with someone who is not my child unless they reach out to me and ask for help because I cannot talk sense into my sister who is drunk or high most of the time and you and I both know that people in addiction have to choose to get better

And I am kind of sad for her but also very disgusted and pissed off at her for many reasons I'm not going to shame her for having any sort of addiction but I don't like that she has that issue right now and it worries me because her aunt her biological aunt died recently from alcoholism and a medical condition that caused her to die early from the drinking and Piper has not been tested for that genetic disorder or whatever So I am very concerned especially since she's 22 and parties a lot and I know when I was younger I did drink and then I got older and I was like You know this isn't my j how many more and I don't like hangovers anymore and I just quit because I don't really have that addiction Genetics thing that many people do struggle with and I'm sure that if I drank every day I could become addicted but I don't ever have like cravings for drugs or alcohol

Actually that's a lie sometimes I want a beer like I'll just crave the flavor of a beer even though usually I think they're pretty fucking gross but I assume that you understand what I mean by that

I'm not sure what to do and therapy tomorrow I am exhausted though and I wanted to work on things but I don't know if I am capable right now

I'm also really concerned because apartment 60 was sent a letter today about the fact that they won't be allowed to renew their lease

So I don't know if they're going to retaliate but they have told the new neighbors all about me because for some reason even though I've told the office that I can literally hear these people talking about me from every room in my apartment the people in apartment 60 have not been made aware that I can hear Everything they're saying so I'm a little worried about what's going to happen when I put my security camera up

I'm allowed to have it and it has cloud storage and capability of more than 1 person to have an account and look through the camera if need be and I was going to talk with a courtesy officer and see if it was capable of allowing him to access it for emergency reasons or to just check and see if it really is as bad as it is when I call for noise complaint before he walks out here and then tells me that nobody's being allowed because they see him and they usually scatter

And I'm not even anxious about any of this other than the fact that I am terrified apartment 60 is going to retaliate against me when it was my neighbor who raised hell and went to the front office finally because she was sick of it she knew I was dealing with it for a while but she's been dealing with her breast cancer and she just finally had enough.

So I found that out earlier today I was thinking that we were going to have to speak to mister Lewis who owns the property or did own the property or manages the entire patrician management properties something like that.

My parents have been really aggressive and cruel to me lately for really no reason because I've asked them like hey why are you mad at me did I do something wrong and they just get really pissed off and hang up on me or says that they have to go and hang up and I don't know what's going on

I know it's possible that it's not like personal but I really don't like that they're being cruel and I have calmly asked them you know can you stop being mean to me I didn't do anything to you why are You talkin' to me like that I don't deserve that and they will say something like really mean and nonsensical and just hang the phone up and I am left very confused and I did not blow their phones up with text messages today I did not have that compulsion today

And I did try to talk to my dad and he got mad about me repeating myself once or twice and he was like you need to fucking quit doing that and I'm like I can't really help it and he has a tantrum about it and I don't exist to please him or anybody else and this hurts my feelings so much because it's part of who I am currently and yes it is obnoxious but it's not something that I am Controlling that I am aware that I can just suddenly stop because when I do try to suddenly stop or I do get told to shut up Sometimes the compulsion gets worse and it's not something that like unconsciously doing I have been made aware of it many many times for the past couple of years and it's gotten worse and I don't know what's causing that

Willing to work on that but I need people to quit being so fucking critical of me because other people do understand when I say it's my OCD and I do apologize When that is happening. It is really frustrating having to apologize about something that I really don't have a good control over

I don't really get to pick or choose when it happens

So even though people hate it and everything it's like hey guys you don't have to live with this it's embarrassing already and I'm aware of it but it's actually pretty physically painful to quit and I don't know how to explain that it's something you would have to experience yourself and people just won't take my word for it and think that I'm just trying to make excuses to repeat myself and I'm like why would I do that

So yeah

And yeah I am worried about the people in apartment 60 I don't know when they're lease is up but they will have to move then but hopefully I will move before they do so I don't have to deal with it but I do worry for my neighbor but I also know she's grown and can take care of herself like she did the other day

I wish I could just go on a vacation for 2 weeks

Just like do my therapy session on video chat or something and go somewhere 42 weeks but I can't afford to do that right now so I'm trying to have vacation at home and vacation at home is just you know not the same

I've been using this little heart monitor which I guess you will see tomorrow and it is driving me insane right now I don't see a red rash but it it's like hell and I'm trying not to touch it because last time I had to wear one of these and they went to remove it it ripped some of my skin off and there was a horrible rash underneath the entire times so I'm hoping that this won't damage me as bad. It has to stay on till the 30 and it looks fucking gross right now because it has fuzzy particles stuck around the edges that I can't get off unless I use it alcohol be and then that might make the sticky come off completely so I just have to deal with it.

My appointment with my primary care yesterday she took a lot of pictures of me for medical reasons because I am growing a fucking mustache now and also like a beard as if somebody has given me hormone treatments to change genders which I do not like for myself because that's not how I identify

But it did give me a flashback to when I was a child having medical studies and pictures taken of me

And I did not tell her and I did not react but since then it's been flashing back to that and even though nobody hurt me I was a small child in a government study and my parents did not come back with me when they took me to the photography studio in the hospital I remember the people being nice but I also had to strip down to my underwear and they took pictures of my body because of the rash I had from my autoimmune disorder I had at was really uncomfortable when I was a kid and I didn't know that I could just tell them I did not want to do it and I was also a really shy kid and I went non verbal a lot and my parents just thought I was being shy and I could never explain it to them

So it's kind of like a weird trauma to have it's pretty unique one. But also when I remember that trauma from early childhood where I was actually abused pops up andI guess it's because both of those things involved pictures

And I do wonder if the pictures have something to do with why I don't want people to take like normal pictures of me and I only take head shots and I don't know if those things are connected and I don't know if we should explore that at some point but I figured I'd just mention it here so you might take note if you feel it's important for my treatment

Since me and my partner had an argument he's been pretty quiet I mean he did apologize for his bullshit properly and I'm not mad at he's been scarce

So me being a person who doesn't look at relationships like everybody else and I don't know how to explain that I don't know what's going on I don't know if people just have reflection period after these sort of things or what

I did talk to him briefly about 20 minutes ago just asking him if he was okay and he told me he was okay and that the movie long legs sucked andSuggested that I do not go see it even though I love Nicholas cage

And I sent him a couple little sweet messages but he didn't reply and I'm tired and I'm not gonna message him again to get a reply

I don't think that our relationship is in trouble currently I just don't know what to do when he's being super quiet andI always have this very irrational anxiety unrelated to the anxiety I'm having today thatThat people are angry at me or just don't want to deal with me or something like that. And I know that he may not want to talk to me and that's fine he does not have to I'm not holding a gun to his head to talk to me

But it sucks when people apeople are going through whatever and they don't really reply to you and you just feel really fucking alone

I mean it's pretty obvious I have abandonment issues. It's pretty obvious that I have some codependency problems and I tried to keep it all in check and I tried to have time by myself but the thing is unby myself a lot and today I wanted to be by myself other than talking to him because I didn't think I would get stressed out by him or you know a few other choice people if they did happen to contact me but mostly today I wanted to be left alone because of all the chaos

And I find it really ridiculous that me wanting to be alone and then like feeling very lonely and it's just I don't know

Because I'm alone most of the time and if I'm not talking to people is that I'm not talking in general I'm just dead silent all day long and some days I have nice quiet alone days where I just can relax but it's been so long that I don't even remember how to try and relax and when I say relax I don't mean fully relaxed because I don't even think I'm capable of fully relaxing unless I'm under anesthesia

Like I feel like I could be given a fucking horse tranquilizer and I would still be awake

I mean before my Doctor diagnosed me with a heart condition that says that I cannot have Various sedatives and sleep medications Especially meds like trazodone. Because I remember taking that medicine and my brain and body would fight it for a while much longer than most people last and I would hallucinate black & white. And I think it's really weird because the only other times I have had any sort of visual hallucinations medication-related they are always in black & white and that is just weird and I haven't asked my neurologist about that but I'm not sure he would even have an answer.

I think it might just be one of those really weird things.

I wish I could take ambien because I had the best fucking sleep of my life when I took that I did have 2 ambient adventures but nothing that put me in horrible danger. Not purposeful just took my medicine and did not fall asleep like I was supposed to and decided to apparently make some art and then the other time was I went outside and thought I saw moondog creatures going through things in my mom's car and so my dad just found me in the side yard with my hands-on my hips staring at her car and I was in a good mood I remember it vaguely and then he just Brought me back inside and told me to go to bed and I was like okay and went to bed and I continued taking the medicine and it really did help me to sleep but when my heart condition popped upThe Doctor told me I could no longer take it and I'm mad about it.

I have had insomnia and I think it's genetic because I believe my dad's mother also had a lot of trouble sleeping and getting rest and such and I do share quite a few traits with her

My father also has some sleep issues and I'm not sure about my mom I think she just works too much and spins too much money which is why she works extra hours but I can't do anything about her shopping addiction

I am grateful that she bought the security camera for me even though I didn't ask her to

I'm not going to ask her to pay me back the money that she owes me because of that

You know I never really want any arguments or drama with people but when they poke at me so much it does rile me app and it's very hard for me to get back to being calm because other people seem to be able to easily just get Uber it and go back to how they were before and I don't know why I have trouble with that it seems like my emotions have to catch up to my logic and that takes a lot Longer than I would like but I haven't found any sort of way even with cognitive behavior therapy techniques to really make it shorten

So basically I just have to wait while I'm sitting there kind of beating myself up because it's just like logically I know what's going on but emotionally it's like a Big stupid battle

And yeah I do want to do the disassociative testing because sometimes I do wonder if I am split in some sort of way that doesn't have to do with a personality disorder I think maybe my PTSD is causing something to happen or just you know years of abuse and trauma have done something to my brain well it's sort of obvious that I already have something going on but I would like to explore what it is and how to deal with that or work on you know staying In touch with reality more than I already am

And it's funny because I had a friend of mine talked to me a couple of days ago and she was like if I had to deal with as much as you did I would be delusional as hell on purpose and I was just like that sounds great but In practice I don't think it would be practical to do or healthy

I'm also trying to figure out a way to be brave and learn to skirt the rules for SSI without getting into trouble so I can make money because I feel it in my bones that my dad is getting worse and my mom is also getting worse and I can't really do anything about my sister and it's sort of like I feel like It's crunch time like I only have so much time before the clock runs out

I feel like this a lot. I get in a panic because I feel like I'm going to run out of time and then I'm fucked

And then I asked my dad and mom like I had a fucking meltdown because they kept giving me so many different times and months and days that I would be moving and nobody could give me just a general answer that for sure I would be at least looking at placesBecause I'm tired of having my hopes gotten up and then dashed

So finally my dad told me again that September is the month and so I'm trying to get my brain which is also me which is a mind fog but I'm trying to get my brain to understand that I'm going to have to wait till then and hopefully it wasn't bullshit because I don't want to deal with getting my hopes up again

I need to move regardless of psychological issues because I have physical issues that are causing me problems right now and I probably should be using my Walker but I fucking hate using it and bringing it with me places and sometimes I break down and do and I don't know if I'll have it with me tomorrow or not

I mean I don't think that you mind or anything just thinking about it out loud.

There are some articles about how some people with AD HD just process out loud and it also has to do with autism and then O CD comes in to play and so I Know that we can't just stick that Problem to one diagnosis but it is like you're symptomatic of those diagnosis and I did tell my dad when he was bitching at me that I Don't Know if it's like neurological Damage or if it's something that can be fixed or helped much More than I'm already trying And my trying is pretty much failing every time I try and it sucks and I get very mad at myself but I don't Feel like anything is clicking in my brain when I tried to stop myself on certain things

Like I don't know how to describe the click in the brain thing

Like it just kind of feels like I'm trying to do it but the request for the action is not being met with an OK we're gonna stop no matter how hard I'm trying to stop so it feels like I guess like the brain sends a signal to itself and says hey we need to stop doing this thing and then my brain just says nope I don't think so and continues to do it and I don't know how to fix that shit

And if I do have some sort of neurological damage you know they have not found it on ACT scan or AMRI

But I know that there's another type of brain scan which my insurance probably does not cover that shows when certain regions of the brain light up and when they don't and it's not an MRI even though Mr i's do have some capability like that

And I can't think of the name of the type of imaging and it's the kind that they use to look at schizophrenia and study other mental disorders and there's clinics that do it but I can't for the life of me think of the name

I feel like if I just had better health care access I wouldn't have so many issues in general

Like a lot of things will give me relief to know when in Spring I should be seeing my genetic assistant again because she has a very long appointment Wait list

And honestly I did get some sleep but I just feel like something is just draining my energy completely and I've been feeling like that for about a month and it's probably stress I mean that's the most obvious answer but I have been feeling just physically not great and it is exhausting to deal with chronic pain and crazy family and then other medical issues And I wish I could just get a break from it but that's not how it works

The situational depression that I am feeling is kind of just wavering if that's a way to describe it

I mean it's there it's more just annoying than anything and I don't really feel like super nasty but it just feels like a heavy cloud hanging on me and I'm trying to ignore it because it's just obnoxious

Like I don't like having sad bitch disorder

I would rather I've an episode of Mania where I just clean my apartment and talkward faster and act really super happy but it's been like years since that has occurred

I understand that manic episodes are pretty nasty for most people who suffer from like bipolar and other conditions but the Mania that I get once in a Blue Moon is just like I actually feel happy and I can do a whole bunch of stuff and I clean like a crazy person and there's no executive dysfunction and I feel like I'm powerful and shit and then it's gone in like a week at most

And then I just kind of go back to neutral normal

And you know I have my low moments but I don't really have like the nasty depression all the time

Even if I did I don't think that there's a medication out there currently that I have not tried that did not give me some sort of issue and the main ones that they give people that generally work really well for most of the population actually make me feel worse and that is fucked up and not fair

Because I mean who wants to have more interesting thoughts and feel more suicidal type feelings when they're just trying to feel better you know that's what happened after taking prozac for so long and I do worry that because it took prozac for so long and it's probably you know it probably was never a normal depression it was probably the dysthymia I was diagnosed as having when I was 14-15.

And I thank them treating me for regular depression and not short-term and just making me take prozac for many years without a break probably fucked my brain app and then the brakes that I did have I was on another medication that did not work obviously and I really don't know what happened last time I was in a facility but when I figured out that it was the prozac causing the problems and I took myself off of it All of that shit went away and it was pretty fucking bad so what I'm experiencing right now is not Is anywhere near that feeling.

Right now I just feel like a weepy baby and that's about it and I'm sad but I can logic it and I am feeling my feelings so there's really not much else I can do other than just raw dog this crap

I haven't smoked much recently either I did the other day for my pain but it wasn't really helping the pain as much as I would have liked it too so the Doctor gave me a non steroidal anti-inflammatory injection that is leaving my system right now but she gave it to me because I was all swollen on my hip

And I see my rheumatologist on the 29th so hopefully they can tell me what's going on or get me into physical therapy where they can fix the problem because it might just be due to my hypermobility

Also I know I've probably mentioned this before but I am wondering how much do auto immune disorders cause inflammation in the body and caused psychological issues from the inflammation

Because over the years I have read that people with auto immune disorders often experience emotional changes and mood changes and depression and such because there's inflammation of the brain as well and the tissues or you know things like that

I'm not super well versed on that topic because it wasn't mega interesting to me because I didn't feel like my last Rheumatologist before my new one would really understand or be able to answer the question I don't think that they were trained very well

But I wonder if I'm having any sort of flare up inflammation if that could be causing the brain problems or part of the problem I don't know if there's any way to remedy that but just a thought as to why I'm might be having some extra issues

I really loved my partner but I really miss my ex and neither of them are probably good enough for me but I still love them both

Like I desperately miss my ex-boyfriend but since he got sober he isn't speaking to me or coming around if I see him in public he's a sweetheart but he's not really seeking me out to spend time with me even though he said that I was his best female friend you know and it hurts I mean today I sent him a message to just ask him how he was doing and he just ignored me And I don't know if I should continue to put any energy towards that at all but I don't want to lose him

I feel like I'm losing him and I don't want to lose him and I know we're not dating but I mean like even as a friend

And I haven't told him what's been going on in my life because people don't want to know apparently

You know I'm supposed to just be like oh living the dream and everybody's like yeah me too and then nobody talks about anything and I think that that's like something that's fundamentally fucked up about society is that people just lie to each other and people just talk and stupid little riddles all the time and for me I just don't understand why they just don't directly say what they want to say

I mean I get it I'm not like them but I also know lots of other people that aren't like them either that are pretty direct but I just don't understand why other people have such a problem and why it's such a social taboo to just directly say something to somebody and they get all upset even though there's nothing to be upset about and I don't know if that's just like the United States that has a big issue with that

I've read that in other countries it's not that big of a deal to just directly speak to people and I've thought about if I could afford to just expand the Netherlands because apparently they're very direct people and that sounds like my jam but I don't actually really want to move just to be understood and accepted

But I've also read other really interesting things while I'm like going on my little special interest deep dives that people in other countries also don't experience various diagnosis the same

For instance lake in our country people with schizophrenia tend to have more negative experiences and in some regions and countries they have more positive experiences and often those people are looked at as shawman's and things like that like prophetic almost in certain cultures and I find that to be pretty fascinating and I wonder about Lake cultures before they developed like mental illness treatment what did they do back in early civilization did they just kill people did they just lock them away I mean I know that those were practices

But like were there any positive practices that were done when people had issues where they just seen as people with gifts

Anyway I can't remember the rest of what I was going to mention here and I'm tired so I guess I'll just talk to you tomorrow I don't know if you'll read this before I see you.

I mean hopefully you get a second to do so.

I know that my other journal entries probably are concerning but I don't want anybody to worry too much because like I've told you it's just kind of like brain vomit but I figured you could glean something from me when I'm just journaling.

0 notes

iloveschiaparelli · 4 months ago

Text

Something that happens to me a lot is I just disappear from social media/social circles (go "off the radar") for several days/weeks at a time. I'm not talking about like instagram or tumblr I mean like snapchat, which is already only close friends, and I start missing friend hangouts/church all the time. Instead I stay active on youtube/tumblr/webtoon doomscrolling or reading copious amounts of comics. The reason is just that I get overly exhausted and can't handle the demands of social interaction, or my health tanks from exhaustion and I start missing hangouts because I'm at home asleep even though its 3 in the afternoon. My bones hurt. I feel icky and my stomach feels like I'm about 3 steps removed from throwing up.

This then leads to greater emotional distress, that being severe discontent with the state of my body, but since i lack the energy to correct it through activity, I'm instead trapped in a sensation of hopelessness and depression that additionally suppresses my appetite. It's a cycle of tiredness, not eating, getting more tired, eating even less. Before you know it, consuming any type of food gives me GI issues and now I'm avoiding all sorts of foods, which then in turn lessens nutrition. It's a mess! Anyway, all this just leads to huge amounts of exhaustion and my body not functioning the way it's intended to (on any sort of schedule), so I'm spending a disproportionate amount of time awake at night and asleep during the day.

Being on the radar reveals your waking hours: through posting times, message times, pictures, etc. And it's embarrassing to admit to people, especially those I'm not especially close with, just how screwed up my body is and my life and schedule. In addition, being exhausted and having irregular sleep ruins any type of posting schedule, streaks, etc. So I end up going off-radar. Nobody has any idea what I'm going through (except my roommates) because I have become invisible. But then I also miss huge events and disappear from other people's lives: I'm not just off-radar, I'm withdrawn, which leads to atrophy in friendships. It doesn't help that right now, for the summer, a lot of the regular hangouts I would normally go to like D&D and Wing Chun are either not meeting or I'm taking a break because, in the case of Wing Chun at least, the best times to doordash are coincidentally also the class times, and I have to prioritize making money to survive (I only came up $175 short this month! That's really good, I thought I was gonna be way more screwed. My mom is helping me cover the difference so that's good.)

Anyway, so all this combined means that when I finally have enough energy to interact with those friends again, they're way behind on my life events and I'm way behind on theirs. You know how hard it is to be at someone's wedding and have that be the time you tell your friend that you got dumped a month earlier???? Ummm it was super awkward..... but because the conversation had turned that way, I couldn't avoid letting it on. Thankfully that friend respected my wishes to keep it on the down-low for the rest of the day (I didn't want to affect the vibes at the wedding. Which ended up being fantastic btw.) But now, because I'm still really off-radar, me and that friend promised to talk about it later, but it's been nearly a month and we haven't spoken a word to each other.

Anyway, just a little rant(?) about how exhaustion/chronic issues can lead to unintentional social withdrawal.

#undiagnosed chronic illness #personal post #actually autistic #i tagged both autism and undiagnosed bc 2 things #1 im still not officially diagnosed for autism #2 autism pretty much sums everything up but i definitely have something comorbid with sleep issues #idk what the comorbidity is but its really killing me dog #maybe the problem is just American Food and if i move to Europe ill be fine #queue

0 notes

lastoneout · 1 year ago

Text

I was talking to my therapist about some of the things I hate about going to the ER(despite often needing to bcs of all my health problems) and I mentioned that I will refuse to tell them that I have an anxiety disorder unless I absolutely have to bcs the second I do everything from the treatment options to the way the doctors and nurses speak to me immediately changes, sometimes to the point that they refuse to do anything to treat my symptoms bcs "it's anxiety" and I "just need to calm down", and she said something really validating.

Paraphrasing, but basically she said that yes, mental illnesses absolutely have physical symptoms, and sometimes treating the underlying mental causes helps alleviate those symptoms, but that doesn't mean those physical symptoms aren't debilitating and don't deserve to be treated exactly as you'd treat a physical illness or injury. Especially bcs treating the underlying mental issues can take months, if not years, and the people with those conditions don't deserve to suffer horrible physical symptoms in the meantime. It doesn't matter where the symptoms are coming from, brain or body, you should treat them the same, and it's ridiculous to expect people who are suffering to tough it up and go to therapy bcs "it's just a mental illness thing".

Hell, she even said that the physical symptoms of mental illnesses and trauma can be so debilitating they make therapy less effective, bcs it's HARD to address this stuff, and it's even harder if you're doing it while your body is destroying itself.

So yeah, if your anxiety makes you nauseous, you deserve nausea medication. If your anxiety is making your chest or back or wherever hurt you deserve pain medication. If your ptsd is giving you insomnia, you deserve sleep medication. It is critical to your well-being and makes healing easier.

And I have had so many doctors refuse to do anything to help with the very real physical symptoms of my mental illnesses to the point of refusing to give me sleep medication despite the fact that my chronic insomnia is doing real damage to my life and body bcs it's "just ptsd", and I hate to see people in the disabled community continue to perpetuate that mentality. Someone suffering from insomnia caused by some other physical issue leads a very similar life to the one I do, why does it matter where the symptoms are coming from? We have this in common, we can understand each other, we can even help each other, what's the point in pretending otherwise?

Your brain is part of your body, and if your mental illnesses are making it difficult for you to live your day-to-day life then, as far as I'm concerned, you are disabled. Managing mental illnesses and trauma has EVERYTHING in common with managing physical illnesses and injuries. They have everything to do with each other. It's ridiculous to suggest otherwise and idk why people are so determined to do so anyway, to draw lines between our communities, especially with all of the harm that comes from treating mental illnesses like they can't actually fuck up your body.

We have so much in common, and we only stand to gain from coming together and supporting each other.

Anyway yes, people who can X should be accomodating to people who can't X. People who can walk should accomodate people who can't. People who can hear should accomodate people who can't. People who can see should accomodate people who can't. And on and on. When that doesn't happen, it's a problem that deserves to be talked about.

But the problem is not and has never been "physical disabilities are more important and deserve more accomodations than mental disabilities"- nor the other way around either.

People love to dunk on folks with ADD/ADHD but you know? As someone with ADD raised by diabetic parents I gotta say there's a lot of similarities here. People with ADD, myself included, often forget to eat and when they do eat they often load themselves up with carbs and sugars because those foods make their brains feel good. People with diabetes have to closely monitor their meals and often crave sugars and need a blend of sugary and protein-rich snacks on hand. This is not to say ADD and diabetes are exact one-to-one disabilities.

But having grown up watching my parents manage their diabetes, I too am very aware of meal times and blood sugar and constructing meals that will tide you over and having a blend of sugary and protein-rich snacks on hand Just In Case. I am able to manage my ADD better in this way because I have experience from watching my parents. I also need access to snacks and to be able to say to my boss "I need to go eat something real fast" without being punished.

I had a training client who was the image of "able bodied mentally ill" outside of the usual creaks and squeaks associated with age, her body worked just fine. But after a series of incidents in her youth- a car accident that left her with a serious brain injury, coming home from the hospital afterwards to immediately have her house broken into and herself raped by an intruder, and assorted medical malpractice while she was healing from both- she has a serious and extreme case of agoraphobia and spent the next 40 years completely unable to leave the house. She would hide and wail and scream when deliveries of groceries and other goods would come, because it meant a stranger (and usually a man) would be at her door. She could not go more than a couple steps outside to get her mail and especially not if other people were outside.

At some point her therapist suggested getting a pet, one that *had* to go outside, to help her. So she got a dog and contacted a trainer (me) and we got to work. And she did improve! The dog has been a huge help to managing her symptoms! But you cannot seriously expect me to have worked with this woman for years and then belittle mental illnesses as being lesser when this woman also shares the inability to even leave her house let alone go inside a grocery store. Even today there are times when she simply cannot, she cannot will her body to move out of her door and into transportation let alone into the building.

When she first started coming to me she thanked me for not belittling her or making her feel bad for classes she had to cancel because she couldn't force herself to take the first step over the threshold. That is when she told me what happened to her and that while it sounds terrible she was really happy to have found a trainer who knew something personal about trauma and brain injuries. She is also a case where I feel her ESA should be considered service dog not because of training or tasking but because her need is so high and she is just completely incapable of doing anything without the dog in her arms.

Anyway I think of her any time someone says "but you can walk through the door". There's nothing wrong with her legs so in theory sure she could. But often she *can't*, not because of anything physical, but because she is very severely mentally ill.

#like yeah my ptsd is giving me insomnia #but not sleeping well triggers my migraines #which in turn does tons of horrible shit to me #so I don't really think there's as much of a distinction between my mental issues and my physical ones #they are very much the same #long post #ask to tag #rape mention

4K notes · View notes