#i mean as a whole. even off the internet it exists and id still feel this way

[notblue-bandit]

hate how my scars make me feel a sense of superiority over ppl w/o scars // who havent reached beans. its such a toxic mindset thats been fostered through the competetiveness of this community and i feel so much guilt for it. everyone's sh is valid and im not better for having cvt deeper, im fucking sick and deranged for thinking seeing my literal fat cells is an accomplishment

[jewishbarbies]

watching that vid out of morbid curiosity... im only like 12mins in, and she complains a lot about them having male exes, saying that it's not realistic... and idgi, in my personal experience, id say of the lesbians ive known, a fair few have male exes? not even because they were bi/pan, it was just societal pressure to at least *try* to date a man, a couple of them even still stayed in touch not because there's any attraction, they just were & are good friends (which is probably why they "dated" in the first place id imagine)

idk, sorry to come in your ask & kvetch, it just was so strange to me to hear her say it's unrealistic or lesbiphobic to portray them having male exes. also, the acting like femme4femmes dont exist or writing them is oppressive ??? and getting pissy about lesbians that arent "out and proud"... i feel like there are very real things you can talk about wrt to lesbian romance having issues, but the things she chose feel so odd.

(context: a lesbian made a yt ‘essay’ complaining that sapphic romance books weren’t 100% lesbians all the time and said a bunch of shit about bi people and biphobia not being real, etc.)

the woman is just detached from reality. today i saw one of her tiktoks someone was stitching and i didn’t realize it was her at first, but she was going off about how she “doesn’t gaf about the government or the supreme court bc this country was founded on slavery and genocide” so therefore she wasn’t gonna vote at all. the black woman stitching quickly put her back in her place. but the biphobe just sounded like a vapid moron drenched in internet leftist lingo with no real intelligence to actually comprehend those concepts and apply them to real life. so her video actually makes sense knowing she’s just That Dumb about everything apparently.

her logic about lesbians “not having exes” and bi people not being real just sounds like regurgitated radfem bullshit honestly. the obsessed they have with so called “gold star lesbians” because they’ve never been “tainted” by men. it turns women into sex objects for the pleasure of radfem lesbians and it’s disgusting. like, how are you so “pro woman” that you objectify and dehumanize women when it suits you? but, oh, it’s okay bc they’re women, too. fuck ooooff. they’re the first to yell about comp het but somehow think it’s unrealistic that a lesbian might have a male ex. you can’t have it both ways. either bi people are secret lesbians who date men bc of comp het or lesbians can’t possibly have male exes.

the whole debate on what “sapphic��� means is so ridiculous to me, because it’s literally just wlw. there’s no stipulation that they HAVE to be only lesbians and it would be hella weird if there was. At the end of the day, radfem lesbians will always be disgusted by queer women who don’t fit their definition of the Perfect Lesbian Woman bc if they’ve been with a man or find men attractive, they’re automatically not touchable by radfem lesbians and it ruins them for sexual enjoyment. i find women sexually attractive as much as the next queer, but if you’re sexualizing women to the point where you’re not taking their personalities and desires into account, are you really in love with women? or just the enjoyment you get from having access to their bodies? think on it.

[neurodivergantizzetwitch]

intro post :3

hiii! im [insert name here]: a stereotypical AuDHD trans girl who still hasn't settled on a name yet-- my life isnt... going well rn, but tumblr makes it a bit more bearable and every little bit helps.

im a trans fem, more specifically i like the term demigirl- which feels like it fits me. im also ace(ish), by which i mean im ace but pretty sex favorable- just don't experience sexual attraction. im also very gay and have the best partner in the whole entire universe (they said they were gonna join tumblr soon- so ill at them here once she does.)

oh yeah and my brain is funky. im a peer reviewed (and officially dxed, but im an advocate of self diagnosis) AuDHDer- which informs basically everything i do. i also have a bunch of the mental illness stuff, and have struggled w it a lot. idrk or care what the exact diagnosis is, spend enough time around insane ppl and you learn a lot of the specific labels are pretty arbitrary and a lot of symptoms are shared- i just describe myself as fucked in the head or legitimately insane

also im never consistent w tags- sorry. maybe one day ill try to be but uh... yeah not today. i do tag for potentially triggering content tho- and try my best to be consistent w it, so if you're sensitive to the following and want to follow me for some weird reason id reccomend blocking them:

#cw sex mention, #cw: substance abuse, #cw: abuse #cw: child abuse, #cw: gore, #cw: sh, #cw: si, #cw: disordered eating, #cw: bigotry, #cw: disturbing content,

id also say in accordance w the previous thing i sometimes say things about my life that are "dark" in a way that can cross a line, i don't mean to do this- and i want to respect everyone's boundaries- but accidentally sharing super dark shit is smth i struggle w.

im a committed anarchist, and i will unabashedly post in accordance w those views. i haven't been able to help people as much as id like to bc of the whole being a minor in a fucked up situation with no money energy or time thing, but im trying to do more. If anyone reading this has suggestions- lmk.

i also like a lot of shit. like A LOT of shit- and i get REALLY obsessed w it too, so it is not out of character for me to start posting a bunch about smth i had not known existed until i got obsessed (as mentioned, AuDHDer). what ill post about is just kinda based on what im feeling that day and my interests, but heres some of my favorite things that im enamored w in no particular order:

games:

mtg

minecraft

hermitcraft (which yes is minecraft and no isnt a game but shut up)

hollow knight / skilkskong 🤡

celeste

metroid

nitw

botw

hades

books

cosmere

the locked tomb

percy jackson

the sandman

six of crows

the hunger games

lotr

spec fic, especially non-traditional spec-fic

shows/movies

spiderman across the spiderverse

made in abyss

hazbin hotel

hunter x hunter

the owl house

Pan's Labyrinth (& other Guillermo movies)

miyazaki movies

wes anderson movies

animated movies & shows

cinematic/classic movies (not neccessarily old just like the literary fiction genre of movies)

weird/offbeat movies and shows

music

coheed and cambria

mcr

jhariah

girl in red

will wood

pinkshift

jack off jill

paramore

mother mother

the cure

chloe moriando

bauhaus

cardiacs

dead kennedys

lena raine

siouxsie & the banshees

milk in the microwave

mitski

penelope scott

sungazer

45 grave

other interests/hobbies n shit

drawing

d&d

writing

painting

guitar

bass

drums

singing

music production

game design

coding

animation

character design

video production

poetry

theater (yes im a fucking theater kid did you even have to ask that)

musicals

even though im solidly gen z, i havent really grown up on the internet the same way. some weird combination of my parents' disapproval of it, social anxiety, autism, and not being allowed to use it for years means that ive had this fear of posting stuff on the internet. for so many people like me the internet has been a place to escape and be themself, to me it's more often than not just a reflection of a reality that seems just as scary and ostracizing.

the thing is... i dont have a lot of friends. i dont have a large community really. and i think though there are some ways in which my aversion to social interactions including those on the internet has been helpful, there are other ways it's really isolated me- both from my peers and a broader community of people.

so im trying to put myself out there a little more. this stupidly long intro post is i think just a way for me to commit to that for myself. ive been so scared of doing it all my life, right now i think i just need some sort of outlet to be myself. who knows? maybe i'll even meet some new friends.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Watomatic, for lower Whatsapp switching costs

Any discussion of monopolization of the web is bound to include the term “network effects,” and its constant companion, “natural monopolies.” This econojargon is certainly relevant to the discussion, but really needs the oft-MIA idea of “switching costs.”

A technology has “network effects” when its value grows as its users increase, attracting more users, making it more valuable, attracting more users.

The classic example is the fax machine: one fax is useless, two is better, but when everyone has a fax, you need one too.

Social media and messaging obviously benefit significantly from network effects: if all your friends are on Facebook (or if it’s where your kid’s Little League games are organized, or how your work colleagues plan fun activities), you’ll feel enormous pressure to join.

Indeed, in these days of Facebook’s cratering reputation, it’s common to hear people say, “I’m only on FB because my friends are there,” and then your friends say, “I’m only there because you are there.”

It’s a form of mutual hostage-taking.

That hostage situation illustrates (yet) another economic idea: “collective action problems.” There are lots of alternatives to Facebook, but unless you can convince everyone on Facebook to pick one and move en masse, you’ll just end up with yet another social account.

This combination of network effects and collective action problems leads some apologists for tech concentration to call the whole thing a “natural monopoly” — a system that tends to be dominated by a single company, no matter how hard we try.

Railroads are canonical “natural monopolies.” Between the costs of labor and capital and the difficulty in securing pencil-straight rights-of-way across long distances, it’s hard to make the case for running a second set of parallel tracks for a competing company’s engines.

Other examples of natural monopolies include cable and telephone systems, water and gas systems, sewer systems, public roads, and electric grids.

Not coincidentally, these are often operated as public utilities, to keep natural monopolies from being abused by greedy jerks.

But the internet isn’t a railroad. Digital is different, because computers are universal in a way that railroads aren’t — all computers can run all programs that can be expressed in symbolic logic, and that means we can almost always connect new systems to existing ones.

Open up a doc in your favorite word processor and choose “Save As…” and just stare in awe and wonder at all the different file-formats you can read and write with a single program. Some of those formats are standardized, while others are proprietary and/or obsolete.

It’s easier to implement support for a standard, documented format, but even proprietary formats pose only a small challenge relative to the challenge presented by, say, railroads.

Throw some reverse-engineering and experimentation at a format like MS DOC and you can make Apple Pages, which reads and writes MS’s formats (which were standardized shortly after Pages’ release, that is, after the proprietary advantage of the format was annihilated).

This is not to dismiss the ingenuity of the Apple engineers who reversed Microsoft’s hairball of a file-format, but rather, to stress how much harder their lives would have been if they were dealing with railroads instead of word-processors.

During Australia’s colonization, every state had its own governance and its own would-be rail-barons. Each state laid its own gauge of rail-track, producing the “multi-gauge muddle” — which is why, 150+ years later, you can’t get a train from one end of Oz to the other.

Hundreds of designs for interoperable rolling stock have been tried, but it’s proven impossible to make a reliable car that retracts one set of wheels and drops a different one.

The solution to the middle-gauge muddle? Tear up and re-lay thousands of kilometers of track.

Contrast that with the Windows users who discovered that Pages would read and write the thousands of documents they’d authored and had to exchange with colleagues: if they heeded the advice of the Apple Switch ads, they could buy a Mac, move their files over, and voila!

Which brings me to switching costs. The thing that make natural monopolies out of digital goods and services are high switching costs, including the collective action problem of convincing everyone to quit Facebook or start using a different word-processor.

These switching costs aren’t naturally occurring: they are deliberately introduced by dominant firms that want to keep their users locked in.

Microsoft used file format obfuscation and dirty tricks (like making a shoddy Mac Office suite that only offered partial compatibility with Windows Word files) to keep the switching costs high.

By reverse-engineering and reimplementing Word support, Apple obliterated those switching costs — and with them, the collective action problem that created Word’s natural monopoly.

Once Pages was a thing, you didn’t have to convince your friends to switch to a Mac at the same time as you in order to continue collaborating with them.

Once you get an email-to-fax program, you can discard your fax machine without convincing everyone else to do the same.

Interoperability generally lowers switching costs. But adversarial interoperability — making something new that connects to something that already exists, without its manufacturer’s consent — specifically lowers deliberate switching costs.

Adversarial interoperability (or “competitive compatibility,” AKA “comcom”) is part of the origin story of every dominant tech company today. But those same companies have gone to extraordinary lengths to extinguish it.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/10/adversarial-interoperability

Just as a new company may endorse standardization when it’s trying to attract customers who would otherwise be locked into a “ecosystem” of apps, service, protocols and parts, so too do new companies endorse reverse-engineering and comcom to “fix” proprietary tech.

But every pirate wants to be an admiral. Once companies attain dominance, they start adding proprietary extensions to the standard and fighting comcom-based interoperability, decrying it as “hacking” or “theft of intellectual property.”

In the decades since Microsoft, Apple, Google, and Facebook were upstarts, luring users away from the giants of their days, these same companies have labored to stretch copyright law, terms of service, trade secrecy, patents and other rules to ban the tactics they once used.

This has all but extinguished comcom as a commercial practice. Today’s comcom practitioners risk civil and criminal liability and struggle to get a sympathetic hearing from lawmakers or the press, who have generally forgotten that comcom was once a completely normal tactic.

The obliteration of comcom is why network effects produce such sturdy monopolies in tech — and there’s nothing “natural” about those monopolies.

If you could leave Facebook but still exchange messages with your friends who hadn’t wised up, there’d be no reason to stay.

In other words, the collective action problem that the prisoners of tech monopolies struggle with is the result of a deliberate strategy of imposing high technical and legal burdens to comcom, in order to impose insurmountable switching costs.

I wrote about this for Wired UK back in April, comparing the “switching costs” the USSR imposed on my grandmother when she fled to Canada in the 1940s to the low switching costs I endured when I emigrated from Canada to the UK to the USA:

https://www.wired.co.uk/article/social-media-competitive-compatibility

Today, there’s a group of tech monopoly hostages who are stuck behind their own digital iron curtain, thanks to Facebook’s deliberate lock-in tactics: the users of Whatsapp, a messaging company that FB bought in 2014.

Whatsapp was a startup success: founded by privacy-focused technologists who sensed users were growing weary of commercial surveillance, they pitched their $1 service as an alternative to Facebook and other companies whose “free” products extracted a high privacy price.

Facebook bought Whatsapp, stopped the $1 charge, and started spying. In response to public outcry, the Facebook product managers responsible for the app assured its users that the surveillance data WA extracted wouldn’t be blended with Facebook’s vast database of kompromat.

That ended this year, when every Whatsapp user in the world got a message warning them that Facebook had unilaterally changed Whatsapp’s terms of service and would henceforth use the app’s surveillance data alongside the data it acquired on billions of people by other means.

Downloads of Whatsapp alternatives like Signal and Telegram surged, and Facebook announced it would hold off on implementing the change for three months. Three months later, on May 15, Facebook implemented the change and commenced with the promised, more aggressive spying.

Why not? After all, despite all of the downloads of those rival apps, Whatsapp usage did not appreciably fall. Convincing all your friends to quit Whatsapp and switch to Signal is a lot of work.

If the holdout is — say — a beloved elder whom you haven’t seen in a year due to lockdown, then the temptation to keep Whatsapp installed is hard to resist.

What if there was a way to lower those collective action costs?

It turns out there is. Watomatic is a free/open source “autoresponder” utility for Whatsapp and Facebook that automatically replies to messages with instructions for reaching you on a rival service.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.parishod.watomatic

It’s not full interoperability — not a way to stay connected to those friends who won’t or can’t leave Facebook’s services behind — but it’s still a huge improvement on the nagging feeling that people you love are wondering why you aren’t replying to their messages.

The project’s sourcecode is live on Github, so you can satisfy yourself that there isn’t any sneaky spying going on here:

https://github.com/adeekshith/watomatic

It’s part of a wider constellation of Whatsapp mods, which have their origins in a Syrian reverse-engineer whose Whatsapp comcom project was picked up and extended by African modders who produced a constellation of Whatsapp-compatible apps.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2020/03/african-whatsapp-modders-are-masters-worldwide-adversarial-interoperability

These apps are often targeted for legal retaliation by Facebook, so it’s hard to find them in official app stores where they might be vetted for malicious code.

It’s a strategy that imposes a new switching cost on Whatsapp’s hostages, in the form of malware risk.

Legal threats are Facebook’s default response to comcom. That’s how they responded to NYU’s Ad Observer, a plugin that lets users scrape and repost the political ads they’re served.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2021/04/553000000-reasons-not-let-facebook-make-decisions-about-your-privacy

Ad Observer lets independent researchers and journalists track whether Facebook is living up to its promises to block paid political disinformation. Facebook has made dire legal threats to shut this down, arguing that we should trust the company to mark its own homework.

Whatsapp lured users in by promising privacy. It held onto them post-acquisition by promising them their data would be siloed from Facebook’s main databases.

When it reneged on both promises, it papered this over by with a dialog box where they had to click I AGREE.

This “agreement” is a prime example of “consent theater,” the laughable pretense that Facebook is “making an offer” and the public is “accepting the offer.”

https://onezero.medium.com/consent-theater-a32b98cd8d96

Most people never read terms of service — but even when they do, “agreements” are subject to unilateral “renegotiation” by companies that engineered high switching costs as a means of corralling you into clicking “I agree” to things no rational person would ever agree to.

Consent theater lays bare the fiction of agreement. Real agreement is based on negotiation, and markets are based on price-signals in which buyers and sellers make counteroffers.

A “market” isn’t a place where a dominant seller names a price and then takes it from you.

Comcom is a mechanism for making these counteroffers. Take ad-blockers, which Doc Searls calls “the largest consumer boycott in history.” More than a quarter of internet users have installed an ad-block, fed up with commercial surveillance.

This is negotiation, a counteroffer. Big Tech — and the publications it colonizes — demand you give them everything, all the data they can extract, for every purpose they can imagine, forever, as a condition of access.

Ad-block lets you say “Nah.”

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/07/adblocking-how-about-nah

The fiction that tech barons have “discovered” the “price” that the public is willing to pay for having a digital life is a parody of market doctrine. Without the ability to counteroffer — in code, as well as in law — there is no price discovery.

Rather, there is price-setting.

Not coincidentally, “the ability to set prices” is the textbook definition of an illegal monopoly.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa has 8 stories at Gossamer, but there are even more X-Files fics at AO3 and her website. She writes Mulder and Scully in a very lovely way. I've recced 3 of my favorites of her fics here before: Bird in Snow, Fall: East on M St, and Skuamorph. Big thanks to Tabula Rasa for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

I'm always extremely pleasantly surprised to get kudos (or, very rarely, a comment) on my old fic, but I'm always happy to see it! I did post them all (I think) to AO3. I'm not surprised people are still reading fic, though. It's an iconic show and now with streaming, it's really easy to watch older shows and natural to want fic about them!

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

XF was my first fandom, definitely my first online fandom, and so it will always have a special place in my heart. Also... I had a great time! I stumbled upon and joined the Scullyfic email list by accident, but it was the best thing I could have done. I learned a lot about how to be a writer and how to be in fandom, and those lessons are still important to me. Foundational. Also, in terms of modern fandom drama, XF was more low-key on the drama (although it didn't seem like it at the time!). But I learned something that's always served me well: find like-minded people, and hang out with them. Don't worry about the rest.

Also... you can't control the show, but you kind of can control the canon.

Because of Scully, I ended up taking a forensic anthropology class in university-- and now I have a Master's in a forensic science! Part of the Scully Effect, and proud of it!

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Definitely mostly email list! I never really got the hang of message boards. Posting fic was exhausting, and tbh I never figured out how to work Ephemeral. I checked it every day, though! I loved, after a new episode, everyone sending in their thoughts and reading everyone's experiences together. Fandom was a lot more work back then, tbh!

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

That fic can be just as good, or better, than traditionally published works. There are works of XF fic that have stuck with me for years now, far more than some books I've read. That fan writers can know the characters better than the show writers. The fandom in general was really smart, and mostly more adult than me (I joined fandom when I went away to college, so I always felt at the younger end of the scale. That was good though!).

Also, my first time reading and writing porn. Not gonna lie, I was shocked the first time I accidentally read smut. But I adjusted fast. lol

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I was still a kid (now we would say preteen) when the show premiered- I think in middle school. But I was already into ghosts, aliens, monsters, solving mysteries, and I'd already imprinted on the dynamic thanks to Square One (really)! I was also just old enough to start developing celebrity crushes. Hilariously, I did not twig to the fact that I'm bisexual the entire time I was in XF fandom, despite having enormous crushes on BOTH Mulder and Scully. Ahhhh!

Also, my whole family was into the show, but I was definitely the one with the hyperfixation. I used to take notes and record the episodes as I watched. It just had the right stuff and hit at the right time. And I've always been obsessive.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

As a kid I also really liked Star Trek, and someone had given my dad a book about the history of Star Trek, which I read. This included mentions of fandom and fanfic. As soon as I had a private-- and perhaps more importantly fast-- internet connection (in college), I went looking for XF fanfic, and that was that. Hooked immediately. Also I shipped them A LOT so that's what I went looking for.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I tend to not go back to a fandom once I have a new fandom, so I wouldn't say I'm in it. I did hang around the edges for the revival, of course, because I wanted to experience that with the same people, but since the revival was mostly not that great (with a few exceptions), I didn't get pulled back into it. But I still think of the people I knew in the fandom a lot, and always hope they're doing well.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I've never left fandom, and I've been in a BUNCH: Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Bandom, Supernatural, now CQL/The Untamed and other Chinese-media fandoms, with many smaller ones in between or on the side. I feel like at their core fandoms tend to be similar, although where you host the fandom makes a big difference: Livejournal, tumblr, twitter. I think that because fandoms now tend to be bigger and more diverse (which is good) there tends to be more wank (which is bad). In some of them I was close to a group of people, some of them not. Honestly the best thing is when someone you know from an old fandom is in your new fandom. It's so much fun. I have really good friends thanks to fandom, and I've had them for YEARS. Like. 15 years.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I tend to focus more on ships than characters, but some of my all-time favs: Scully, Hermione, Sirius Black, Castiel, Lan Wangji, Xie Lian. That's just fandom-oriented ones, otherwise we'd be here all day. :D

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I don't often rewatch episodes any more, although if I come across an ep on tv I might. I definitely still think about them though! For example, I'm a teacher now, and just a couple weeks ago one of my colleagues mentioned he'd heard the students saying they shipped two of their classmates, and he was like "Ship? I don't get it" and I was like "HOO BOY, do I have a story for you!" And I explained how shipping came from XF fandom, and why. That was fun. I definitely still think about Mulder and Scully too-- I mean, they're cultural touchstones, so they do come up sometimes in greater pop culture. Also, I was in Hannibal fandom for a while, and Gillian Anderson is still The Best.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I haven't read XF fic in years, even the ones I remember as being really significant/important to me. I still have my all-time favs saved on an external HD though! Fic in another fandom- every day lol.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Blinded by White Light by DashaK has stuck with me. Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the Ruby-Throated Warbler by I forget I'm so sorry -- that's lasted as my ideal post-canon MSR and as an interesting and different way to tell a story.  [Lilydale note: It’s by rah.] I was always thrilled to see fic by Brandon, JET, MaybeAmanda, Syntax6... and, frankly, everyone on the Scullyfic/ Emuse list. So many talented people in that fandom!

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Things Outside, which is the only thing I've ever written based on a dream, and I'm really satisfied with it. It was hard to write but so much fun to revel in the weirdness. I always kind of wanted to write more because I know a lot more about the situation, but otoh, I like the open, ambiguous ending (usually I am very HEA).

In other fandoms, King & Country in bandom (MCR) and in Supernatural I'm very proud of Hope and Clay. I struggle to write casefics even though I love to read them, but that one really worked out.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I don't think I'll ever write something new. There is an old fic that may be done but it was smut so I was too shy to post it at the time. In theory if I find it and it's decent, I could post it!

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I do! I write fic very slowly, but I do write still! I have a million ideas for stories, but I'm so slow at the actual writing part.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

I usually take a jumping-off point from canon, or of course, something I need to fix or expand on. Or sometimes I start telling myself a story as I fall asleep and the idea grabs me long enough I can manage to write it.

What's the story behind your pen name?

I was getting into fandom and realized people didn't use their real names. I flipped through my history book looking for inspiration, and decided tabula rasa was a great name for a writer. I tend to add an X because it's rare to get "tabularasa" as a username, and the X is indeed for X-Files (so I'm something like tabulaxrasa most places). I usually go by Tabula Rasa or Tab, though. And I still use it because 1) it IS a great name for a writer; and 2) it's not fandom-specific so I can keep it in every fandom.

I identify with it so much I have answered to this name in class (oops). I have a "Tab" t-shirt (as in the soda, but I have worn it to Comic-Con for ease of ID-- better than a nametag!). And my mom got me a necklace with a "tab" typewriter key as a charm, which I adore. Yes, I have accidental merch of myself.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

As you can tell from the above, my family knows (my family being my parents and sister). They are supportive! I think my mom read a couple stories? But obviously she has to know the fandom to get it... I got my sister into fic, and we even wrote a couple fics together (in Gundam Wing). She's a lot more selective about fandoms, but she's joined fandoms on her own, too. She's just not in one constantly, like me. :p

I tend not to tell not-online friends unless I have felt them out and know they're super fannish, or they bring it up first.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Most of my old fic is now on AO3 and I hang out on twitter a lot, @tabula_x_rasa

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

I'm really glad people are still in this fandom! It will always be so important to me. Thank you Lilydale, for this nostalgia trip!

(Posted by Lilydale on March 30, 2021)

[pinkys-plan]

The Search for the Baby

Buckle up because this is a long one. There'll be a tl;dr at the end, so feel free to skip past my riveting story if you so please.

So, my dear friends, I am on a quest.

Recently, I happened upon a tiktok user (Gosh, aka @ alluropinionsrirrelevant) asking for help finding a toy they owned as a child. You can find that video here but for those of you for whom that is not an option, the description is as follows:

It was made from 2003-2008. Exact year unsure.

It was a cartoonish baby, sitting, who was wearing a propeller hat (without the cap part. Like a propeller beanie)

It would cry and vibrate, and its pacifier was a button that calmed it down when pressed

It had a microphone in the stomach so you could talk to it to soothe it

The arms were loose and could move around freely

In the comments were some extra pointers, as they told people who made suggestions which ones were incorrect. For example, it was definitely not a Cry Baby doll, nor was it any kind of realistic looking baby doll.

In a second tiktok, they state that this baby was not really a doll per se, but was an entirely plastic figure that could fit on the palm of your hand.

Most importantly, however, they were absolutely certain that it looked EXACTLY like the picture they drew.

At this point, my interest was piqued. I am an incredibly stubborn person and I enjoy, more than many things, being right. I also enjoy helping people because who doesn’t get a kick out of seeing others smile?

I decided not that I would have a little go at finding the baby, but that I was going to find it no matter what. 100%. I would not rest until I had solved this mystery.

So, off I went to google. I searched so many terms and I very quickly understood why so many people thought it was a Cry Baby. It looked very similar to the Cry Baby dolls I was seeing (as pictured, hopefully below)

But, over the years, I’ve had many memories of things that people have insisted were wrong about but turned out to be totally right, so I wasn’t going to let the internet tell this poor soul that they were wrong and that this was what it was. Gosh says it looks exactly like the one they drew? Then it looks exactly like the one they drew and I was not going to cease until I could find one that matched it far beyond a reasonable doubt.

I found a few contenders. For example:

This little fucker seemed similar enough. Entirely hard plastic? Check. Similar position? Check. Electronic? I think so. Probably cried too, by the looks of it. But there were obviously holes in this theory - no propeller hat, no microphone hole on the stomach, no free movement in the arms, plus there was a bottle that surely Gosh would have mentioned if the real baby was supposed to have one. So, not it.

This carried on for a while, finding things that were sort of similar but not quite, then discarding them because they weren’t close enough for me to be satisfied.

Then I typed the words ‘baby figure toy 2003’. This got me nothing. Then I added a sneaky little ‘electronic’ on the end and didn’t even have to scroll down.

Right there, on the right hand side of my screen, was the baby. There was no question about it, this was it. There’s no point going through all of the things that were the same because this little chunk of plastic was the spitting image of the one Gosh drew.

I went to the site, looking for a name, and that is when I found...

...nothing. I’d found the baby on an auction site and it was literally just labelled ‘baby doll’ in Spanish. The seller didn’t know the name of this thing. I then reverse image searched it to see if any more were around. Nothing.

I left a comment on the original tiktok, telling them the good news and the bad news, relaying that yes, it did exist, they weren’t making it up, that it was yellow and purple, with little ‘G’s on the feet and it was made in 2003 by Sega and Hasbro but that I couldn’t give a name for it. I also sent a picture on Instagram bc apparently you can’t sent pictures though tiktok dms??

Anyway, I pressed on.

Sega and Hasbro are huge, so a toy made by both companies must have some kind of documentation somewhere, right?

Wrong.

No matter what I searched, there was nothing. I couldn’t find the name of the toy, other pictures of the toy, any kind of box or advertising for the toy. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

The only thing I did find was a blue version with different hair. It was on Reddit and the poster had put up the picture in hopes of finding the answers that I, too, was looking for.

I could have left it there but, as I said before, I’m stubborn as all hell when I want to be, especially when I’m procrastinating, so I had all the time in the world to identify this little plastic child.

I searched high and low, through Sega and Hasbro toy archive sites. I eventually found this Sega toy timeline graphic, which I thought was going to be the jackpot:

But was actually sort of useless because when I scrolled to 2003, as you can see, there’s nothing there. It says that year is listed somewhere else. 

Okay, so just go there, right? Wrong again, because when is anything easy?

I go through a whole bunch of these long exchange reports, or whatever they were, that allegedly contain the list of toys Sega produced in 2003 (I’m not entirely as knowledgeable about Japanese stock exchanges as I apparently need to be) and, once again, nothing.

I try to find toy catalogues from 2003. I went on the wayback machine for Argos in 2003. This was all to no avail, but eventually, I found a tiny lead.

On the 2003 version of the Sega Toys Japanese website, there was a toy called プチベビ (which google translated as ‘Petit baby’). By no means was this the exact toy but it was very similar. It had the same body type, with the same moveable arms and microphone bellybutton. The head was different, just a plain face without the pacifier, and these infants were not bright yellow or blue and were also dressed in little animal onesies.

Okay, so was this like the Japanese version of the toy? Possibly. Probably.

Other than that, I have nothing. I’m still going through the 2003 Hasbro site but that’s probably a dead end.

So, dear friends, I am now turning to you for help. If you owned this little yellow and purple baby (or the blue one), knew anyone who owned it, or know anything about it, please talk to me. If you have the box still or the pamphlet that may have come with it, please reach out. If you have access to toyshop catalogues from 2003-2004, or just any catalogue from that time from a store that may sell toys, please get in touch.

I’m really hoping this post gets around because I’m immensely intrigued by this toy and why it has seemingly been lost to the void, so I’m desperate for answers.

An extra tiny lead on the name is that the line of toy might be ‘Gaga’ or something of the sort, which Gosh recalls it may have been called, and makes sense with the ‘G’ that is on both toys.

TL;DR:

(ID: Wanted poster with a photo of the Baby. Below the photo, the text reads: ‘Looking for any information about this toy. Do you have one? Do you remember its name? Do you still have the packaging/any information that came with it? Please share!’)

[yeoldontknow]

🖊writerly conversation tag

tagged by @j-pping to do this amazing interview/reflections tag. of course she put together one of the most amazing tags ever because she is brilliant. thank you for tagging me angel! 

questions below the cut!

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

gosh...i think for me the hardest bit was staying both motivated and inspired. a lot of my inspiration comes from being out in the world. im an introvert but i enjoy being out in the city around the noise and the people and the buildings on my own. the majority of my writing used to be done while riding the subway or on a weekend after id gone out somewhere. a lot of my fics are inspired by locations, and experiences within those locations. being inside for the majority of the year made it hard for me to remember how...people interact with or relate to the spaces around them. so i felt like a lot of the time staying inspired was coming from places within just me that felt inauthentic. i think my writing benefits from my ability to see multiple perspectives, so i felt like a lot of dialogue or writing itself was suffering just coming from me alone. it took a lot of work to ensure that it wasnt like that. 

and then, motivation was also so hard. the internet and the news and everything about america, the planet, the everything was unrelenting and draining. we as people were privy to so much trauma this year, to the collapse and fracture of communities, lives, governments. there were several weeks at the end of may and into june where i just...couldnt. i had no energy for anything. it happened again in november after the election and the windfall of it. energetic tensions were so high it just felt so hard to push out words when things were breaking everywhere. like there were more important things i needed to focus on, and healing was one of them.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

i enjoyed the new community of writers/friends i found by writing for bts again. they challenged me and pushed me to better myself. @jamaisjoons is so inspirational in the way she generates community and encourages relationships between storytellers. doing the summer bucket list pushed me out of my hermit hole for camp nano, and i cranked out molotov cocktail and felt so proud of it. it mattered so much to me because it was the first long thing id written after a period of feeling deceased, and it was so enjoyable because there was a sense of community around it. its easy to forget how essential having a support system in your creative community is.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

probably ciperion. words cannot express how proud i am of that story and the direction its going in. i read it back sometimes and i realize that my writing was elevated because of that piece. tbh molotov was responsible for that lift, but ciperion was just a whole other tier. ive also never written anything like that story before and it felt so good exploring the themes of seafaring and pirates. 

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

that i absolutely am someone who took for granted how inspiring the world is even if i see it as a stressor. but also that writing isnt necessarily about being inspired. its about pushing on when its hard. some of my best pieces came from that kind of push this year. 2020 felt like...a slog through most of it, but i kept pushing myself to write even when i was low and tired. i realized that some of my best writing comes from that push, when its not easy and when its difficult and i have to think harder. thats where i grow. 

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

i think im more syntax and detailed focused than i used to be. lately ive been experimenting with making the act of reading feel like pleasure. my favourite books are the ones where i read a sentence, and im moved because it felt nice to read or it felt powerful. the sentence itself had power, not the image it was trying to convey. somehow separate, if that makes sense. theres a lot i need to learn before i could go off comfortably and try to write a book, and this is what ive been trying to master. my attention to detail has grown, and sometimes i think thats a detriment. i think sometimes im too detailed and i dont leave my reader enough power on their own. im still finding that balance, but i think im pleased right now with what im trying to push myself to master.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

ive had two books in my mind forever. one was originally being written as a fanfic in a different fandom before i stopped and realized its too big and so much more important, and is worth being a book id like to write. if i wrote an opus like this it would actually be a book id submit to publishers but ~

- hundreds of years in the future, society has learned how to cure most diseases. for those we cannot, the sick person can be cryogenically frozen for a period of time until a cure is found. there is, however, a limit to the length of time they are frozen. no one has ever been frozen for over 100 years, and the main character is a scientist embarking on the experiment to do just that. it is, effectively, time travel. the main character is rash, selfish, sarcastic - not a very nice person; invested in their work and science and little else. they freeze themselves and wake up in the future. during their time in rehab they have to confront the horror theyve made of themselves, the horror people have made of the future, learn to be vulnerable. they end up falling in love with another scientist etc etc. theres so much more to this story and the world is enormous. one day ill revisit it

- a fictional play on orpheus in the underworld where a female main character’s brother was sold by their mother to the goddess of the underworld (helena instead of hades) for eternal youth. the gods all live in a hotel (the concept of this main thing is being used in elysian fields but its not remotely the same) after they were removed from the heavens. main character (ophelia) must gather several totems from the gods to prove her worth and survive her trip into the underworld to rescue him. id like to not focus on a woman finding romance, and instead a woman finding herself, her strength, her devotion to family, her power, and connecting with her history.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

this year id like to find balance, like i mentioned above, with my need for detail and my trust in my readers. the balance between detail and dialogue. i want to try to condense my writing again so not everything is a goddamn series. the ideas i have are huge and thats great but i need to remember how to parse things again, while still maintaining impact.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

i want more community, in general. as a multi fan, i see pockets in the kpop fandom where it exists and im well and truly aware that its recently become incredibly hard to foster on the exo side. ill just say that. maybe i dont witness it or its happening amongst blogs i havent found or have not found me. i want to see less dialogue about ‘popular blogs,’ whatever that means; less focus on notes; less worries about statistics. i want people to remember that fandom is not about numbers, and the moment you make it about that is the moment you stop having fun. i want less fear from writers regarding sharing work they read and liked, less shame around it. i want to see more vocal communication for the things people like and don’t like, more engagement and more interaction. the concept of popular blogs is so ridiculous to me, because no one has any control over the metrics. no one has control over who follows them or reads their work except the person doing the actual reading. i want people to realize they hold so much power - a person with 10k notes has as much power as a person with 2 notes because sharing is what fosters community. i want this fandom to remember to share again.

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

gosh i really love postmodernism in writing. think like mark z danielewski, who plays with the shapes of words or the act of holding a book - the physicality of it. id like to maybe write a choose your own adventure, or do something that encompasses multiple platforms. or even, more importantly, finish as still as sound and time runner. those are more reasonable goals. time runner actually is done, i just need to stop pressuring myself about it and edit it to get it up. asas, too, is largely done i just need to get my ass together. i have so many other ideas no one has ever seen i need to finish what ive started. thats a real goal.

tagging: @yehet-me-up @jamaisjoons @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @luffles424 @yoonia @shadowsremedy @chillingkoo @onherwings @inkedtae @ninibears-erigom @imdifferentshadesofpurple @readyplayerhobi @ditzymax @sugaurora @snackhobi @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @johobi and anyone else who wants to do this. as always please only do so if comfortable or you want to!

[dlwritings]

Never Have I Ever | Tom Holland

masterlist found here

pairing - Tom x reader word count - 2,193 warnings - implications of sex and mention of nudes A/N - for the two anons who requested | the Never Have I Ever bit is based on this classic One Direction interview

summary - You and Tom had been dating for a while, and a stupid iCloud hacker caused some intimate pictures to leak. When things get a little awkward at an interview, your cast mates had your back.

It’s in the moments when life is going really well that one should start to get suspicious. Especially when your life is so publicized, you should always be on your toes.

You should’ve known when things were going so well with Tom that they were bound to come crashing down eventually.

Your relationship had been going on privately for about six months. You met on the set of Spider-Man: Far From Home. You weren’t playing an important character or anything, just one of the background students going on the European trip. Something about you just caught Tom’s eye. The more time he spent with you, the more he realized he was falling for you.

However, your publicists were both very strict about your relationship needing to remain private. While nothing about the two of you being together was illegal, the world didn’t exactly need to see Hollywood heartthrob 23-year-old Tom Holland parading around with up-and-coming singer-slash-actress 18-year-old (Y/N) (Y/L/N). Everyone on your teams could already see the headlines, and they wouldn’t exactly do wonders for either of your images. Tom would be seen as a perverted cradle robber, and you would be seen as a ladder-climbing slut. It was pretty much a lose-lose situation.

So, you kept it on the downlow. Your friends, immediate family, and fellow castmates knew, but you never went public about it. This didn’t mean you couldn’t go on dates together, but PDA had to be minimal to non existent. This wasn’t a huge deal, because you weren’t one to make out with your boyfriend in public anyway. So, everything was going fine.

Again, that was when you should’ve realized everything was about to go to shit.

There were a few weeks when Tom was filming in Prague and you didn’t need to be there, so you were home in London. During those weeks, it was only natural for you and Tom to have some intimate conversations. You were both young, and going from almost daily sex to none at all wasn’t easy. You sent him a few pictures, he reciprocated, there were a few steamy phone calls and some text messages here and there, but that was it. It was all normal young adult behavior. The only thing was, neither of you were considered normal young adults.

You got the phone call in the dead of night. One phone call you might’ve missed, but the endless stream that was coming in was impossible to ignore. You saw the caller ID read Monica - manager, so you answered it, feeling panic settle in your chest immediately. Monica was a friend at this point -practically an older sister- but she would have no positive reason to call at 1:00 in the morning.

“Everything’s fine,” she said as soon as you picked up.

“Monica-”

“Someone hacked Tom’s iCloud,” she said.

“Okay,” you said slowly. “So?”

She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Apparently, the two of you have shared some, um, intimate phot-”

“OH MY GOD!” you screamed. “NO! No way! FUCK!”

“It’s okay,” she said, trying to calm you down. “It’s okay.”

“It’s very clearly not okay!” you shouted. “My naked photos are on the internet! You know who has access to the internet?”

“I mean-”

“Everyone!” you said. “And you know who is a part of everyone?”

“(Y/N)-”

“My mom!” I shouted. “My mom is going to see naked photos of me. She probably thinks I’m still a virgin! Oh my god. The whole world is going to think I’m a slut.”

“Okay, but you’re not a slut,” Monica said, her voice soothing.

“But-”

“It’s very important to me that you know that this does not make you a slut,” she said. There was that older sister vibe coming out. “Everyone shares nudes, alright? Someone else stealing and sharing those doesn’t make you a slut. Okay?”

You took a stabilizing breath. “Okay.”

“We took the picture down where it was originally posted,” she said. “I’m sure people have already saved it though, but you know what? It’s going to be fine. We’ll tackle the PR when it comes up. There’s nothing we can do about it now except handle it like adults and remind the world that you and Tom are both adults.”

Tom.

“Okay,” you said again. “Thanks for calling me.”

“Try and get some sleep,” she said. “I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Sleep,” you scoffed. “Right.”

As soon as you hung up with Monica, you called Tom. He picked up on the first ring. “(Y/N)-”

“Why’d you put it on the cloud?” you shouted, unable to stop yourself.

“Everything backs up automatically!” he said defensively. “This isn’t my fault!”

“Well it isn’t my fault!”

“I’m not saying it is!”

“Whose fault is it then?”

“The 40-something-year-old pervert who hacked into my account and leaked the photos!”

You couldn’t help but let out a short laugh. Tom did the same, and you ran a hand through your messy bedhead. “This is a disaster, Tom,” you mumbled.

“I know,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you said, waving a hand dismissively even though he couldn’t see it.

“You know, it’s going to be brought up next week during press,” Tom said. In your sleepy state, you had forgotten that next week, you were starting press for the film. You sighed into the receiver.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” you said.

The following week came, and neither you nor Tom had responded to any of the internet’s comments on the nudes. Your publicists both decided it would be best to address the situation only when it arose during an interview. That way, the words could come directly from your mouths without any chance of misinterpretation or poor wording from a tweet or Instagram post. It would also come across as more professional than if Tom blabbed about it during an Instagram live.

The first interview that happened was on Jimmy Kimmel Live. You had both done an interview with Jimmy before, and he was one of the nicest guys on late night TV. You hoped he would be kind about it all. Maybe, if you were lucky, he wouldn’t even bring it up. To make the night even better, you would be sharing the couch with Jake, Jacob, and Zendaya. You knew you’d be a little bit more at ease with them there.

Everything about the interview was going fine at first. Jimmy was asking you all questions about the film and what life behind the scenes was like with such a crazy cast. After the commercial break, Jimmy informed the audience that you would be playing a game. The game, of course, had already been approved by your PR team. That didn’t mean you had any idea what it was.

“We’ve asked Twitter to send in their best questions for never have I ever,” Jimmy said. “Now, I’ve not seen any of these questions, but they have been cleared by our team.” Jimmy handed the five of you paddles that read I HAVE on one side and NEVER on the other. “I will be playing too, because I think it’s only fair,” he said with his usual smile.

You could hear your heart beating in your ears, but you painted on your superstar smile to mask your nerves. Surely the questions wouldn’t be that bad if Jimmy’s team cleared them.

“From Paula comes, Never have I ever danced naked in the rain,” Jimmy said.

“In the rain?” Tom said.

“Naked?” Jacob clarified. Jimmy nodded with a laugh as he flipped it to the NEVER side. Everyone put NEVER except Jacob.

“Alright, Jacob?” Tom laughed.

“Listen, we’ve all had some wild nights, alright?” he said. “This is a judgement free couch.”

“Alright, next,” Jimmy said with a laugh, “comes from John: Never have I ever joined the mile high club.”

You and Tom looked at each other for a millisecond that you hoped wasn’t caught on camera. Even though it was a lie, you put NEVER. There were some things you just weren’t going to reveal about yourself, even if the whole world had already seen you naked. Jake put I HAVE, and swore he wouldn’t say who he joined with. 

“From Alex: Never have I ever-” Jimmy cut himself off with an awkward laugh. You could tell he wasn’t too thrilled with the questions either. You wondered if someone would get fired after this. “Never have I ever been naked in public.” More questions went by like that: smoked a joint, slept with someone twice or half my age. All things that could stir up PR nightmares and just made you into a liar. 

Jimmy started to read the next. “From Kayla: Never have I ever-” It was evident he was upset, and you wondered for a moment if he’d even read it aloud. “Never have I ever taken a nude photo.”

Laughter spread across the audience as you all played with the paddles in your hands. You couldn’t even get yourself to look at the camera, and Jimmy threw his paddle over his shoulder. “Whoever picked these questions,” he said with a slight laugh, “is in for a stern talking to tonight.”

“Honestly, what did they expect?” Jake asked. “You give us these paddles, and you really think we’re suddenly going to answer these questions? Like Yeah!” He waved his own paddle in the air. “I’ve done all the drugs! Cocaine, heroine! Marijuana is a pussy’s drug.” At this point, you couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or serious. Still, the audience laughed, and Jake threw his paddle behind him too. He looked at the camera and pointed at it. “We know what you sick perverts want,” he said, “but listen here. These kids-” He pointed at you, Tom, Zendaya, and Jacob. “-are media trained superstars, alright? You really think that Tom “Spider-Man” Holland is gonna stand up and say, This morning, I woke up, rolled a joint-” He was doing a terrible British accent while miming his actions and had everyone dying. “-and then took a dick pic before running through the streets of Los Angeles butt ass naked? You really think this guy is gonna say that? They’re not gonna say that!”

Zendaya took the paddle from Tom and took yours as well, then put them together so the I HAVE sides were touching and both sides of the paddle said NEVER. “They might as well say this, Jimmy,” she said, thrusting the paddles back into your hands. “Never, and never. Never. Never.”

“Yeah!” Jacob agreed. “You all are sick!” He folded his arms across his chest with a sarcastic huff, and everyone applauded him while laughing. You almost had tears in your eyes.

Within a few minutes, the show went to commercial break, and Jimmy apologized profusely to the five of you, mostly to you and Tom since everyone knew the questions were directed more at you. “I honestly had no idea what the questions were,” he said. “I have no idea why they were cleared.”

“It’s fine,” you said. “I think it’s safe to say though that you guys-” You looked at Jake, Zendaya, and Jacob. “-saved us.”

“We’ve always got your back,” Zendaya said, giving your arm a comforting squeeze. You smiled and laid your head on her shoulder while Jacob reached out and squeezed your hand. Jake was talking quietly to Tom, and you could see in both of their eyes that Jake was saying something meaningful. Tom was smiling appreciatively and nodding along.

By the time you and Tom got back to your hotel, the clip of you on Jimmy’s show was already trending. You showed Tom all the tweets, and the two of you shared a laugh. “Glad we can laugh about it now,” Tom said, getting under the covers of the bed beside you.

“Oh believe me, I’m still crying inside,” you said, “but the others made it a little easier.”

“And I didn’t?” Tom teased.

“You’re the one who got them leaked in the first place,” you said.

“You said-”

“I’m joking, div,” you said, hitting him with one of the pillows. Tom laughed and lightly smacked you back. You eventually curled back up to his side, and Tom put his arm around you.

“In all seriousness,” he said, “I’m really sorry this all happened.” You looked up at him to see him already looking down at you. “It’s not fair that this shit is already happening to you. I feel like, like I’m supposed to protect you, you know? And I just fucked that right up.”

“You don’t need to protect me,” you said. “That’s an extremely outdated gender role.” You placed a kiss to his neck, just below his jaw. “But I appreciate you looking out for me. We can’t control the rest of the world. Just ourselves. Just because I can’t trust the rest of the world to respect my privacy doesn’t mean I can’t trust you.”

You were both quiet for a long time, and just when you thought Tom had dozed off-

“You’ll still send me nudes when I’m away, right?”

“I hate you.”

----- ----- ----- -----

TAGLIST

@bangtan-serendipity | @planetdemon | @the-singing-clown406 | @tomshufflepuff | @bluelalal | @grandloser | @jackiehollanderr | @mindset-jupiter | @bisexual-sk8r | @feel-like-gold | @runaway-apple | @miraclesoflove | @marvelismylifffe| @wonderbyers | @coraz0ndcristal| @lizmarvel​ |  @hannihannelora

[donnerpartyofone]

hello, friends. today is an extremely stressful day for probably most people who follow this blog. personally, i'm staying a little disconnected, partially because i know it's going to be forever before a conclusion is reached, but also because it's so hard for me to be hopeful. wishing for a different president than the one we have is one thing, but there is also a wish to be able to stop feeling the way many of us have been forced to feel every day for the last four years; the relief of being allowed to stop listening to and thinking about that one individual would be immeasurable. i'm a little afraid to love this thought, and find myself heartbroken. note that i'm not looking forward to Hope and Change, just this one crucial psychic difference. I'm not going to debate whether donald trump and joe biden are fundamentally the same, in that democrats have just as much generalized blood on their hands as republicans. the problem with trump is in what he does to people emotionally. if he were to drop dead this instant, like i pray to god for every single day, mike pence would never inspire and galvanize the same mouthbreathing knuckledragging fuckfaces in the same violent way. having joe biden in the seat of ultimate power would not inflame the same kinds of general public feelings that it is openly permissible to shoot up a synagogue or beat black people to death in the streets, that "many fine people" are capable of these things. even accepting the allegations of rape against biden, i do not believe there are roid-raging frat boys out there who will look up to him and feel encouraged by his success to ramp up their crimes against women. the inflammatory psychic signals that come from trump specifically create their own problems in this country, separate of the legislative corruption and stagnation that we still suffer under the democratic party. politely stifled, appropriately embarrassed bigotry is radically different in character and effect than bigotry that is stroked and fluffed and trotted out on tv by a cartoon father figure who literally makes the rules for everybody. trump, specifically, has to go.

so what do i do with myself, with the conflict between my cynicism about america's ability to progress and my inexpressible rage against what must change? well, sometimes, i toy with elaborate id release fantasies about how i think trump should die. i mean, that would really be the optimal event here, but it would be important that he die in a really humiliating way that makes it hard for his constituents to keep identifying themselves with the idea of him.

i mean, none of this should ever happen in real life, because that would be cruel and hateful of course, and we're not supposed to wish unhappiness on others. but some of these ideas give my nervous brain just the massage it needs to get me through my day.

you know, i mean, i can imagine it would be good if he were like, jacking off to gay tickle porn and had an aneurysm and shat all over himself and it glued all his tickle feathers all over him and the violent paroxysm contorted him into such an idiotic shape that they couldn't remove the frilly bonnet and giant baby rattle from his rigor mortised body before hauling him through the streets in front of everybody to the city dump.

in my imagination, it would be really cool if he were coming down an escalator with a banana in one hand and a corn cob in the other and he choked while slurping on both of them and toppled over and fell right on top of his head which cracked like an egg and his pants split and revealed his many pink and purple layers of spanking welts to the entire press corps.

in my imagination, it would be terrific if it were discovered that he got a dominatrix clown wearing a patchwork pantsuit and blonde bob wig to peg him as hard as possible with a strap-on shaped like a toy gun that shot out a big BANG! flag at the peak of the action, ripping through his colon and out of his dickhole with such force that it caused his entire lower portion to explode like a blood blister, leaving only the flag flapping in the wind before the live audience of a facebook feed that the clown was secretly running the whole time.

sometimes my imagination skips the accidental circumstances and just pictures him as the subject of a mass public execution; i mean like, he's found guilty of assholism by the royal court of the entire galaxy, and he has to get in the middle of a desolate field, and every single person who wants to gets to come and burn him with cigarettes and rip little chunks off of him with nail clippers and stab him with the spines from those anti-rape condoms that burrow in further when you try to remove them, until he falls on the ground and we can all stomp all over him until he looks like a bunch of yogurt, but he's still alive and waving his little baby fists in the air and weeping in a really stupid little way that makes it impossible to feel sorry for him, so he can appreciate it when we get a long chain of elderly lesbians to come stand over his face and piss all over his open wounds, and then nature gets in on the act because carnivorous fire ants are attracted to the smell of his blood and they crawl through his tattered clothing to his hilarious little genitals and inject waves of chemical pain into his crotch to radiate throughout his entire body while gorgeous models stand around pointing and guffawing at the size and shape of his mutilated joke of a member, and then jackals and vultures come, unable to wait until he's dead, and start rippping him apart like monkey bread, and parasitic wasps nest in the festering remains, and he is still conscious, and by some divine magic he remains conscious until every single cell has been separated from the others and ground into the barren earth beneath him, which we finally spread with gasoline and set on fire. that would be really ideal.

sometimes it makes me feel better to just imagine him in the most irretrievably degraded state possible, in which every single shred of his being is individually punished to the fullest extent possible for his appalling and totally irredeemable existence that has been destructive to practically the whole entire world including people who like him. i think maybe the one thing that the right has over the left is their acceptance of the power of hate. in the extremely disturbing and eye-opening documentary FEELS GOOD MAN, about the internet's conversion of innocent cartoon character pepe the frog into a fascist icon, modern druid john michael greer makes a fascinating observation about how the pepe episode is a demonstration of sigil magic, in which a symbol facilitates the intense concentration of passionate hatred, so that it can be weaponized in a focused laser-like fashion against the object of this hatred, and used to scaffold the success of the object's adversary--namely trump. many people have theorized that the remarkable focus of feeling that was achieved within the chan boards during 2016 was, in one way or another, directly responsible for the outcome of the election. i guess i wish that the left were capable of this same kind of mass ritual, to stop the in-fighting and the moral purity tests, and pool our collective hatred in the same satisfying way that we've seen the right do--just to share the dream of it. i mean, why not? it's just emotional catharsis. it's just the power of the imagination. it can't hurt anybody. it's not like our congealed desires could spin themselves into a massive psychic megaton rocket aimed directly at the entire fate of the worst person on the planet. so let fly, indulge yourself a little. add your notes to this post, whydontcha. things can't get any worse!

[delta-roseblr]

Felix and Kyle Visit an Adult Book Store: Part Two

Hello and Welcome back for part two!

Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a ninety-minute car ride that felt like it had been about four hours they finally arrived at their destination and what a fucking sight it was.

Jimmy’s Adult Toy Chest wasn’t the highest-rated adult store in Nashville. It wasn’t even the closest to their town. It was, however, pretty well known amongst pretty much everyone under the age of 18 as being extremely lax about IDing its patrons. Kyle had turned 18 in September so he didn’t have to worry about that, but Felix wouldn’t be 18 for another eight months. He had a fake ID, a really fucking expensive one actually, but it was for the state of Vermont. That wasn’t necessarily a problem, but Felix was pretty sure it would draw unwanted scrutiny. Jimmy’s Adult Toy Chest’s apparent apathy for looking at effect such things pretty much solved that problem.

Apparently, this also meant that Jimmy’s Adult Toy Chest was in the seediest part of town in the shiftiest looking building Felix had ever seen. It was pretty much just a one-story rectangular building dropped in the middle of a gravel parking lot surrounded by what looked like abandoned buildings. The building might have once been painted red, but the color had long since faded and was presently a weirdly muted and dingy looking pinkish purple color. It had a few windows that Felix could see but they didn’t give away any of the store’s secrets because they appeared to be covered with black paint. Felix felt like he was going to catch an STI just looking at the place.

One look at Kyle and Felix could tell that the place didn’t exactly live up to his expectations either. “Still think this is going to be fun?” Felix questioned with a grin.

Kyle looked at the building for another long minute before turning to Felix and obviously forcing a grin. “If we don’t get murdered,” he answered with fake cheer.

“Or kidnapped and sold on some black market,” Felix offered flatly at what he saw as a real alternative. The place kind of looked like a serial killer’s preferred killing room for fuck’s sake. He grinned humorlessly at Kyle before adding, “You know how there are all those jokes about red-headed step-children? What do you think happens to red-headed sex slaves?”

Kyle chuckled and rolled his eyes. “You are a fucking asshole.”

Felix just continued to grin at him. “You are not the first person to tell me that.”

Unfortunately, even though the place looked like it was going to be the site of a future murder Kyle still wasn’t deterred about going in. Felix knew it had been his idea to come in the first place, but the more he thought about it the more he wanted to get out of it.

The whole situation was just so stupid. The thing he wanted or at least wanted to look into was easily found online on dozens of websites, Felix was sure. Thing was, Felix was one hundred percent sure that his dad checked his internet history now. Felix knew how to scrub that. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough to handle his dad’s prying eyes. He had done a little looking already and his dad didn’t seem to know about it. So he could have looked at home but buying anything was a complete no go. His dad would absolutely open any package that showed up at the house for him and Felix couldn’t guarantee he would be home in time to beat his dad home to get the mail every day with soccer practice. If Felix wanted to purchase anything he needed to go to a brick and mortar store except he didn’t have a fucking car. Felix was working on that, and he was so fucking close, but that didn’t actually help him at that moment. No car meant he needed a ride which is why he had ended up enlisting Kyle.

Great plan except that Kyle was just so fucking enthusiastic about it. It made Felix feel even more uncomfortable about the whole thing than he already did, and he was already about as uncomfortable as he could get about it. Not that Felix was ashamed of sex or liking sex, but this was a bit more than that.

His last opportunity to escape effectively squashed, Felix walked into the store with Kyle. The outside had prepared him for something dank and dirty and probably sleazy which wasn’t what they got at all. The place was well lit and looked clean and organized. That juxtaposition alone was enough to give Felix pause, but he was sure that the display of dick and boob shaped paraphernalia meant for things like bachelorette parties that were set up so they were the first thing you saw when you walked in didn’t help.

“Wow,” Felix exclaimed. He might have even taken a step back from the shock of all of it. “That’s a lot,” he admitted.

“It’s like sensory overload with sex toys!” Kyle agreed although he sounded more excited than surprised. When Felix looked over at him, Kyle was looking around like a fucking kid in a candy shop. “It’s Toys ’R Us for adults.”

I should have just risked it and bought what I wanted online, Felix thought to himself.

“You two are 18?” Someone asked. Felix looked in the direction of the voice to see a bored girl sitting behind the counter by the register. She looked like she was in her late twenties or early thirties. She had more piercings on her face and in her ears than Felix dare try to count, and her hair was fire-engine red. Her phone was still in her hands and she was looking at them with an annoyed disinterest. It was pretty fucking clear they had interrupted her internet scrolling and she wasn’t fucking happy about it.

“Yeah,” Felix replied easily even though it was very much a lie. Considering his relative history of bad luck, Felix wouldn’t have been surprised if she asked to see their IDs but if she did he was prepared to deal with that.

“Yup,” Kyle also answered. Felix knew it was in his head, but he would have sworn Kyle sounded more sincere than he had. Dean could do that too and Felix blamed the southern accent. Kyle reached into his back pocket as he asked, “Do you need to see our IDs?”

The girl behind the counter actually seemed to think about it although it became clear pretty quickly she wasn’t going to take Kyle up on the offer. She just had to go through the motions for appearance's sake which Felix got even if he didn’t appreciate the stress.

“Nah,” she eventually dismissed and returned to looking at her phone like they didn’t even fucking exist.

Well, that was one hurdle dealt with, Felix guessed.

Felix went to take a step and Kyle caught his arm before leaning into his space to whisper. “Is that porn on the TV behind her?” he asked, and it was hard to tell if he was bewildered or horrified by the thought.

Felix almost asked what TV because he really hadn’t noticed one, but on a second glance, he saw the flat screen TV sitting on the shelves behind her. It took all of two seconds of looking to determine that the TV was, in fact, playing some good, old-fashioned porn. It wasn’t exactly a surprise considering porn was the place’s business, but Felix did find it a little amusing which was probably why he chuckled before answering, “Looks like.”

“Oh,” Kyle exclaimed, and he did sound surprised. How he could be surprised at that point Felix didn’t know because he had eyes and it was clearly porn, but it was Kyle. The guy could be shockingly innocent when it came to some things. “I guess that is on theme,” he commented sounding a little awkward about it.

Maybe he would have been more comfortable if it was gay porn. Or that could have made it worse. Felix really couldn’t tell so it was anyone’s guess.

Unfortunately, Kyle got over his discomfort quickly and went right back to being an excited puppy about the whole thing. He released Felix’s arm but turned to look at him curiously, “So what are you looking for?”

“None of your business,” Felix answered immediately. The thought of actually saying it out loud made Felix’s face burn. He was going to buy it which in its own way was embarrassing enough but he wasn’t going to talk about it.

“Dude,” Kyle laughed, “You know I’m going to see it when you check out, right?”

“Fuck,” Felix hissed, “I hadn’t really thought about that.”

How he had managed to not think about that Felix didn’t fucking know because it really was beyond obvious. He guessed he had been so hung up on actually going to the place that he didn’t think out all of the details as much as he should.

I should have just taken the risk and ordered one off the internet, Felix thought as the situation finally truly hit him.

“Well, now that you are aware why don’t you tell me so I can help look,” Kyle suggested as he started to crane his neck to look around the store curiously.

He was going to find out anyway, Felix realized and let out a sigh. It was stupid but he found himself looking around the store to make sure there was no one nearby to overhear. The girl behind the counter was already engrossed in her phone and Felix was pretty sure that he and Kyle were the only actual customers. “Um….,” Felix hummed. He was just going to admit it because it was going to come out eventually. He totally was until he thought about the horror of actually having to say it out loud really struck him and he couldn’t make the words come out.

“Let’s just start looking around,” he grumbled instead.

“You are literally the definition of a bisexual disaster,” Kyle exclaimed with a dramatic eye roll. It wasn’t the first time Kyle had called him that and Felix was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the last. Felix couldn’t even be that mad about it because he wasn’t completely wrong. “Where would you like to start?” Kyle asked as he looked around the store again, “Lube? Sex games and other paraphernalia whatever that means? Bondage?” Kyle gasped at his own question and looked at Felix wide-eyed. “Oh, god, is that why we are here? Like to get a pair of handcuffs or something?”

“No,” Felix dismissed quickly. He liked to think he was a pretty flexible person and he was willing to try a lot in the bedroom but there was no way in fucking hell he would ever let Dean tie him up. Thankfully, Dean had never expressed an interest in that, and Felix couldn’t imagine Dean would want to be tied up either. Dean could barely handle laying back and let Felix pleasure him. He would probably have a fucking heart attack being tied up and completely out of control. “Just… come on.”

[maryellencarter]

Queer asks copied from @corelliaxdreaming :

1. Is your family accepting? -- Hah. No. My bio-family is not accepting at allllll, so I went and got myself an internet family instead.

2. What is your sexuality? -- Weird. The strongest part of my identity is Aromantic. I seem to be pretty much allosexual, maybe bisexual; most of the people I find myself attracted to are men within a fairly specific category (physically fit to muscular, at least as competent as me, kind, and often a bit dorky; I also have a weakness for clever hands and sexy voices), but the women I'm attracted to cover a much broader range of appearances and personalities. I fall pretty much in the category of the one Tumblr post that said something like "Being bisexual means you're attracted to three specific fictional men and all women", even though the attraction to men... feels... more attraction-y? I'm still really struggling to figure that difference out.

3. What is your gender identity? -- Sort of genderfluid, sort of genderqueer, sort of maybe agnostically agender? I used to ID really strongly as a trans man, and then after a year or so of being accepted, I found myself turning female. I bounced back and forth for a lot of years but seem to have settled down at a point where it doesn't especially matter to me most of the time. Which is a lot more comfortable than hurtling around to different points on the gender spectrum without warning.

4. Favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, mostly. That really deep sky blue you get sometimes during the fall. A bunch of really bright colors.

5. When did you find out your sexuality? -- Oh, it's been a process. For a long time I identified as asexual. It took me years to figure out I was actually romance-repulsed, and more years to figure out I had any attraction to women. I'm still sort of confused by that part. Like I mostly just want to look at them being pretty, but I also definitely want to look at their boobs? Maybe touch some boobs? I'm honestly not sure.

6. What do you wish you could tell your past self? -- Oh lord. Sexuality and gender wise? I'm not sure young me could have been hurried along the process of self discovery. I'd really like to tell her she was being abused and gaslighted and that she needed to take her great-aunt's offer of a free ride and major in geology *before* she broke her health, and maybe also tell her she needed a CPAP machine, but she might just think I was a temptation of the Devil. Also I'm not sure if the CPAP machine was an option before Obamacare. Or the psych meds she needed, either.

7. Have you changed labels since realizing you were queer? -- Oh yeah, all over the place. Asexual, trans, genderqueer, biromantic (for about a week), aromantic allosexual bisexual maybe pansexual... some people apparently even count PCOS as an intersex condition, since I have a lot more beard and chest hair than is normal for perisex women, to the point that I always have to explain to a new doctor that I'm not in fact on testosterone, my body just does that. I've never quite felt right claiming the intersex label, but I've tried on a lot of others. I think my header may still say "queer on every conceivable axis".

8. How was your day? -- Um. I got stuck wandering Cracked.com for most of it. Then I drove up to check out my pulmonologist's office, which doesn't *say* they're closed for the pandemic, so I guess I'll go up again on Thursday and poke them about whether my appointment still exists. Then I went and wandered around a very large very dead mall on that side of town, hatched a bunch of pokeymans, then came home and ate some split pea soup.

9. Do you have any queer friends irl? -- I don't have *any* friends irl, and it's kicking my ass. I have like one or two coworkers I could hypothetically hang out with outside of work if we weren't so all-fired busy. But if we're talking "friends I have seen irl at some point", I'm pretty sure they're all queer. They might also be limited to @tigerkat24 and one other person who doesn't use Tumblr, I'm not sure.

10. What's your favorite hobby? -- Probably knitting. It's soft and squishy and brightly colored, and it can be as brainless or as complex as I could possibly want.

11. Who's the best queer icon in your opinion? -- I honestly don't have an opinion. I've always been too far outside the community to figure out whomst the options were.

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design / color wise? -- Pansexual. I'd probably have a lot more pride merch if I IDed as pan, but it just never feels like it fits quite right.

13. Do you wish you could change any pride flags? -- YES. The aro flag is the exact same colors as the agender flag, just in a different arrangement, and it pisses me off because you can't distinguish aro merch from agender merch unless it's specifically flag shaped / has the stripe arrangement. I liked the yellow/orange/green/black aro flag, I found it much more cheerful, but apparently it was too similar to something Rastafarian. But you can't find alloaro flag merch at *all*, even though it has the green and yellow, which I like.

14. Are you openly out? -- Can't really help it, since I legally changed my name to a distinctively masculine one back in the day, and I do not remotely pass as male. So anybody who both sees or hears me and knows my legal name, knows there's *something* queerish going on. (I go by a gender neutral name these days, but haven't yet been arsed to change it legally because it's an entire hassle and a half.)

15. Are you comfortable with yourself? -- Mneh. I'm not *un*comfortable with my gender and sexuality, particularly. Sometimes I wish I could pass as male, sometimes I wish I could have cute cleavage. Sometimes I tie myself in knots with my feelings about women.

16. Do you experience dysphoria? -- I used to, very strongly. It hasn't been very aggressive lately.

17. Bottom, top, or verse? -- *shrugs* I guess I'd be a switch or "verse" because I'm down for whatever.

18. Are you femme, butch, or neither? -- I swing wildly between wishing to present Extremely Butch in a lumberjack style, which is impractical in the Southwest, or wishing to present Extremely Femme but being unable to do so, and tying myself in knots over the inability. (I can't wear femmey shoes due to my stupid feet, I can't have pierced ears as they get infected and the one pair of nice lightweight handcrafted earrings I paid $50 for is gone with the rest of my shit, I'm too lorge to find any nice dresses or be able to like try on prom dresses and stuff, I have a tendency to break jewelry as I'm extremely rough on my possessions... etc.) In practice my gender presentation is Fat Slob. :P

19. Do you bind? -- Not technically, but I do wear cheap sports bras which tend to flatten rather than lift or shape.

20. Do you shave? -- Only by necessity. I shave my face when I remember, because my beard looks extremely douchey and rather like pubes. Occasionally I shave my cleavage if I'm trying to present femmey. I pretty much never shave anything else unless the hair is getting Smelly.

21. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be? -- Um. Good question. The thing is, I am fairly strongly romance-repulsed, but I do want and enjoy queerplatonic relationships, so I would draw a distinction here between "dating" someone and being "in a relationship" with them.

22. Are you in a relationship? -- Yes, in fact.

23. Describe your partner. -- @camshaft22 . Um. She's very much the Hobbie to my Wes. She's very snarky and dies a lot and I love her very much.

24. Have you ever dated anyone of the same gender? -- Given that we're both genderfluid, I would say I'm in a relationship with someone of the same gender, yes.

25. Dated anyone of another gender? -- I've never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else, so I guess the answer is no.

26. Tell me a random fact about yourself! -- I always use this one, but I once lived in four different states (mostly non-contiguous) within a calendar month.

27. Do you own any pride flags / merch? -- No. I used to have a whole-ass collection that I added to every Pride, and then I lost all my damn shit and haven't had the heart to start looking again. Well, I have a rainbow necklace Kat sent me which is pretty nice. Can't wear it till my damn sunburn heals, though. :P

28. Have you ever been to a pride parade? -- Yes, when I lived in Bisbee. They have quite an excellent Pride which draws people from as far off as Denver.

29. Any advice to someone who isn't out or is exploring themselves? -- Take your time. It's okay if things change. You don't have to solve yourself all at once. It's more important to find people who will accept whoever you turn out to be.

30. Pineapple on pizza? -- I've honestly never tried it. Part of me feels like I should, in order to develop an opinion, and part of me feels like I'm just as happy being outside of that particular debate.

[fluffyvillain]

The Bond

Chapter: 2/?

Summary: Mila finally finds her soulmate, but not everything is as she expected it to be.

Chapter 1

Pairing: Henry Cavill/OFC

Warnings: None

A/N: No one:

        Absolutely no one:

        Me: Okay, Henry is going to be asshole-ish in the beginning

AO3 link

A tray with champagne was shaking slightly in Mila's hand, she really was incapable for this job and now she was sure of it. But, she did her time, full 6 months. She's been looking forward to this day since before she even started. Being careful not to trip, she walked through the crowd with a wide smile plastered across her face, trying to hide her insecurity. When the last glass was off the tray, she went to fill it up again.

"Did you see freaking Tom Hanks?" Martha passed her on the way to kitchen.

"I did, I did." Mila was trying to get rid of the wrinkles on her skirt by pulling it down.

"How come you never get excited with having celebrities around you? I get all giddy every time, like a teenage girl."

"Well, you were a teenage girl up until a couple of months ago. I don't know, it's because I've been in this situation many times before, I guess." She wasn't lying, she has, but not in this position. She was usually the one wearing gowns, not a white shirt and a back skirt. "I have to get back to work."

Her tray was full again and she was back among the crowd when she saw him entering, he was finally there and everything around her stopped, he was the only one she could see in the crowd. It was like every cell in her body started pulsating and she was frozen in space and time, even though she felt like he was a magnet pulling her to himself. She wanted, no, she needed to run to him, to hug him, but something was wrong and she knew it. She felt like a whole new dimension opened inside of her, creating space for his emotions, but here were no fireworks there. He was feeling content, peaceful and she felt he felt profound love at that moment.

"Excuse me, miss, may I get a glass?" An elder lady stood next to her, rolling her eyes.

"Of course, my apology." Mila turned to her, lowering the tray so the lady could help herself. Then her eyes were back on Henry, she didn't know what to expect of her soulmate, but she never really expected him to be famous. To be honest, she wasn't really a fan, but she knew who he was. She watched "Superman" and even if she didn't, it was impossible to miss Henry Cavill, especially after "The Witcher," its content was all over the internet.

With timid steps, she started moving towards him, but he wasn't alone. The girl who held hands with him was one of the most beautiful women Mila has ever seen, compared to her, she felt like a bag of potatoes. On her heels, she was a bit taller than Henry, slim, with incredibly shiny long black hair, and a face of an angel with large eyes and full lips. Definitely a model, Mila thought to herself. She stood in front of them, feeling so tiny and scared before them.

"May I offer you a glass of champagne?" The tray was before the woman, but Mila's eyes were on Henry, expecting some kind of a reaction, but he only thanked her when he took the glass. What is going on? Maybe it's not the time, maybe if I get to be alone with him he will figure it out.

Her family always said that she was great at finding quick solutions to problems that came at of the blue and that exactly what she was trying to do now. A lot of round tables were scattered all around the room and the only one that stood out was a rectangular one, in the back of the room where 4 people were seated, bidders who place bids they get over the phone. That's it. From a young age, she was aware that her family was well off, but she never felt the need to splurge, well, except when it came to traveling, and he never had a feeling that her life was much different than most other people's but she was beyond glad she was rich in this moment. She walked over to the bidding table, still holding a half filled tray. "Good evening," she spoke to the man who was closest to her. "I need you to represent me tonight, if dinner with Mr. Cavill is on auction."

"It is and I don't mean to be offensive, but we are talking big numbers here." He said he meant no offense, but his voice was full of sneer. Two women sitting next to him both had the same mocking expression on their faces.

Mila slammed the tray on their table. "Does the name Robert Radcliffe mean anything to you?"

"Isn't he the owner of this hotel?" The man's sinister smile slowly disappeared from his face, realizing where this might take him.

"Among many others and I am Mila Radcliffe, so what does that tell you?"

There were two options in his head, she was either a lunatic, or she was a part of one of the richest families in New York and he didn't want to take any risk. "I'm sorry, Miss Radcliffe." He gave her a business card. "You should call this number, but they will request an ID validation and a credit card number."

"You shouldn't worry about that. How will things work after that?"

"You will receive Mr. Cavill's e-mail address and the rest is up to you. If you want to, you will also be introduced to him tonight."

"That won't be necessary. Since I will be in no position to be on the phone, you should know that I have no limit, but I guess your colleagues will inform you about that once I'm done talking to them. You need to outbid everyone, no matter the cost. In the end, it is a charitable auction."

"Of course."

She took a break so she could sort thing out with the auction company and it surprisingly didn't take long and she was soon back at her work. Henry didn't even acknowledge her existence, but she couldn't take her eyes off him. She couldn't deny that he was handsome, no one could, but this wasn't about his blue eyes, shape, height or his incredible smile. He was the last one in line to get up on a podium, showing what the person who wins the bid will get. Mila leaned on a side wall, waiting for the bidding to end, even though she already knew the final result.

"10.000$ first time, 10.000$ second time, 10.000$ third time. Sold to a telephone bidder!"

Dear Mr. Cavill,

  Hope this e-mail finds you well.

I'm contacting you regarding the charity auction from yesterday evening.

If you are free, I would like to have dinner with you within the next 7 days, if you are unable to do it then, please, suggest a different period.

  Kind regards,

Mila Radcliffe

 Mila shut down her laptop right away, pushing it away from her, she didn't expect any answer soon as it was 8AM, so she fell back on the bed. Her other side was feeling peaceful and she came to conclusion that he was asleep.

TV was her choice of entertainment for this morning, she found some morning show and she tucked herself in under a duvet. Just when she was about fall asleep again, she jerked, feeling waves of pleasure washing over her. Jealousy kicked in when she realized what was happening, Henry was being pleasured, but obviously not by her. She took a few deep breaths, trying to somehow block what he was feeling, but it didn't help. Then she tried to reason herself. He hasn't realized it yet, you can't be jealous. It's not like he's cheating on you. Get your shit together, Mila. She plumped up a pillow, only to put it over her face.

During the day, she felt different emotions coming from him and the only constant was pure love he felt and for Mila, that was like a pang in her heart, way worse than when he was sleeping with someone else. She tried everything she could think of to try to block his feelings starting from cooking lunch, cleaning the house, plucking weeds in her garden to taking a swim in the pool - which usually helped relieve stress, but it didn't help at all this time.

Defeated, she sat on the edge of the pool, her legs dangling in the water, warm June sun shone over her, heating droplets of water enough to evaporate from her skin. Just when she finally acquired some peace, but it was soon disturbed by the sound of e-mail notification coming from her phone. She stretched her arm to reach the phone from a deck chair behind her and she held her breath from the moment she saw who sent the e-mail until she read it at least 5 times.

  Dear Mrs. Radcliffe,

  Thank you for sending me this e-mail and for being a part of the charity program.

I am free tomorrow night and I will gladly meet you then, just tell me when and where you'd like us to meet, please.

  Best regards,

Henry Cavill

 She did a happy dance before replying. Everything will be fine tomorrow.

  Dear Mr. Cavill,

  Tomorrow at 7PM, then. "Molière" restaurant, reservation will be under my name. Looking forward to meeting you.

  Best regards,

Mila Radcliffe

 She got an almost instant reply.

  Dear Mrs. Radcliffe,

  It's a deal. See you tomorrow.

  Regards,

Henry Cavill

 She ran to her wardrobe, not caring that her hair was still dripping wet. After going through her whole wardrobe multiple times, she chose to go for the classic - little black sheath dress, short sleeves, knee length and black stilettos with high heels which she put on right away to practice walking with them on since she never got a chance to wear them before. Her legs were a bit wobbly at first, but soon she got used to them. She grabbed her phone and dialed a number, continuing with her practice walk.

"Hello, Arthur, what are you doing?"

"Nothing much, I'm about to leave work, you?"

"I'm not really doing anything. Listen, I'm going to need a table for 2 tomorrow at 7." She got down the stairs, only to climb back up.

"You have finally decided to grace us with your presence, your majesty." Arthur gave her a little sarcastic clap.

"Oh, come on. When I agreed to make this investment, I said that I didn't want to have any part in managing the restaurant, it was just a business venture and a mighty good one, if I may add." She didn't really like the restaurant business, but when her friend suggested a joined venture, she agreed. The location was good and the whole concept of traditional service with high quality food was even better.

"With me involved, you couldn't fail even if you try."

"I won't defy you. Anyhow, give me the best table, somewhere secluded."

"Oooh, someone's got a date."

"Oooh, someone has to shut up."

 Mila spent the whole day on the edge of a breakdown, Henry's emotions were definitely too much to handle, the only thing that kept her sane was the fact that she was meeting him tonight. She went to a hair stylist and a makeup artist, she usually did her hair and makeup by herself, but this was a special occasion, she has waited her whole life for this. In her loneliest night, she imagined her soulmate, how he will give the comfort she desperately needed.

Instead of getting more nervous as the meeting time was getting closer, she was feeling more and more comfortable, she will get to talk to him, to see him up close. So, when she entered "Molière," she was fairly relaxed. All of the staff greeted her and she was instantly reminded why she didn't come here often, all of the staff seemed a little distracted when they saw her, not treating her like a regular guest. She made her way to the kitchen, just peering inside, waving at everyone, then a waiter took her to her table and brought her a glass of wine. "Please, put everything on my name tonight."

"My queen, you look stunning tonight." She received a kiss on the template.

Mila kissed Arthur's cheek. "I thought you left. How are you, how's Anna?"

"I stayed longer so I could see you. I'm fine,  Anna sends her regards and she told you to call her soon or she'll get mad."

"I will, I promise. I'm going to start worki... I... Um..." Mila lost her train of though when Henry came just a few tables away from her, walking behind a hostess.

"What?" Arthur turned to see what she was looking at. "Henry freaking Cavill is your date?" He tried to be as quite as possible.

"Yeah." Mila couldn't take her eyes off him, he was in a suit and he looked divine. Goosebumps rose on skin all over her body.

"I know that look, that's how you look at... Oh, ooooh. I'm just going to disappear." So he did, he retreated to his office.

"Mrs. Mila, I assume." Henry shook her hand. "I'm Henry."

Mila could swear she felt a small electric shock when she came in physical contact with him. "Miss, but it's okay."

"I apologize, it's because I expected you to be a middle aged woman." He flashed her a smile and she reciprocated.

"It's alright, thank you for meeting me."

"To be honest, I've never done something like this for charity, but I though - why not?"

"Me neither, I've always done it the conventional way until now."

A waiter approached them and Henry ordered whiskey. "Here are your menus, I will be right back."

"It's okay, I don't need one."

"Of course." He took back hers and left to get the whiskey.

"So, you already know what you want?" Henry went through the menu.

"I do and I can tell you that their meat is pretty good."

"So, you've been her before?"

"I have."

The waiter came back, bringing the drink.

"We have decided what we want. Mila, please, go ahead."

"I'll have a Mediterranean chicken salad, thank you."

"I'll have a steak, medium rare, thanks." He gave back the menu and then continued the conversation with Mila. "You seem kind of familiar, have we met before by any chance."

"Well, I served you champagne last night."

"That's it! But, that means that you gave like three monthly paychecks for this." Suddenly, the atmosphere has changed and Mila started feeling unease coming from his side.

She tried to change the subject, diverting the conversation to his work. "Are you currently filming something?"

"I actually am. I'm on a break now, but I am filming a movie in Atlanta."

Mila continued with asking further about the movie and how he prepares for roles, but his unease never went away, it even grew stronger. When the waiter brought their food, their conversation stopped and there was only awkward silence for a whole minute and Mila couldn't hide what was going on with her anymore. "I have to be honest with you. I'm not really here because of charity."

Henry dropped his fork and knife. "I figured. Let me tell you something, I don't know what you are thinking, but it's not going to happen. I have someone whom I love very much and I would never put my relationship in jeopardy for someone I just met." His pupils widened and Mila felt pure rage coming from him.

"It's nothing like that. Please, let me explain. Last night when you walked in, I felt something, I felt that you are my..." Mila bit her tongue, sadness, anger, feeling of dedication, attraction, need, everything boiled inside her, like in a melting pot.

"Your what?"

"My soulmate and I don't know why you don't feel the same way."

"You are delusional. Listen, we are going to finish what we ordered and that's it, we'll part our ways. Okay?"

Mila out her hand over his, which was clenched in a fist. "I'm not lying. I can feel you, your anger right now, your love for the woman you are dating, your happiness."

He jerked his hand away. "You really are a psycho. You just gave your three month income only to have dinner with me, hoping it would lead somewhere further. Let me repeat, I have someone I love very much and even if what you were saying was true, I wouldn't care. She is the only one for me. I'm going to write you a check for 10.000$ and pay for this dinner, because I don't want to feel like I owe you something. I can't believe this."

Mila stood up, grabbing her purse, her heart shattering in pieces. "You have no idea how I wish it wasn't you. Keep your check and dinner has already been paid for." Mila hurried out, not wanting to allow herself for her staff to see her crying.

Henry gestured for the waiter to come bring him a check.

"Everything is settled, sir."

"I guess she left the tab open, just cancel that and I will pay."

"I'm afraid I can't go against my owner's wishes." Henry turned towards exit, but Mila was already gone.

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issues 4&5

its delphi time babey

I'm sorry but drift & co look like such fuckin nerds on their scooter things on the cover lmaooo

oh god. seeing the first page just reminded me of how horribly confused i was for this whole little arc the first time i read it. i was like ok, who are all these new characters, and also why does everyone look so similar

anyways now i now what's going on. i love first aid

love the running continuity of rung being the literal only psychologist on cybertron (except for fr*id but that's later). no wonder everyone's fucked up they all have to share a single therapist 

ok i find it extremely funny that first aid was demoted from doctor to nurse, as if that's a thing that happens EVER - I mean it'd be one thing if first aid was a nurse practitioner (which i doubt is a position that exists here), at least that demotion would make sense, but like...the doctors i work with don't know how to do most nurse stuff (like BP, cathing, vaccinations, hell even using some of the thermometers - that's all stuff nurses/etc do), so demoting one to a nurse would be a disaster (just like promoting a really good nurse to a doctor would be a bad idea). anyways i know I'm being pedantic but it Be like that when you work in the medical field and read something that has medicine-related stuff in it

i love swerve giving ratchet the tiniest free drink ever lmaooo

is that skids being a rowdy drunk in the bg lmaoooo

unironically i love medical statistics. keep it comin

i love magnus’s giant sternal chestpiece thing. its like a bird’s sternum but without the massive pec muscles attached 

i love magnus and rodimus’s dynamic so much

oh pipes....im so sorry but this fun space adventure is going to be not so much fun for you

ratchets ideologies are certainly interesting, and i liked seeing how they changed over the course of the story

drift: why would i be SCARED of the DJD, I've got a SWORD, two swords even,

hvbhajkhfbsdjkf pipes really said ‘oi, you two - what's this, then?’ that's the most british fucking thing, that's literally something i say when I'm doing an overexaggerated british accent, oh my god,

PIPES IS SUCH A TINY DUMBASS. ILY SIR BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING

aaaand now you're covered in dead bodies, pipes. look at your life, look at your choices

drift epic sword moments

drift confirmed for the kinda weird guy who has katanas that he uses to like, cut up fruit and water bottles in his backyard while rodimus films him

‘i thought i heard...bickering’ lmaooooo

ah, so its covid

this arc is how i feel working in healthcare lmaooo especially now that i probably have covid 

so rewind condensed the entire war into an 11 second long cringe compilation. nice

seeing the mechanical stuff past tailgate’s visor is so cool

poor tailgate, this guy is getting slammed with history from multiple sides. and like, bias is inevitable in ANY sort of recounting of events, especially controversial historical events, so poor tg just kinda has to take it all in and decide who to listen to 

that’s...not really how immunity works, guys. also, you shouldn't be exposed to so much disease with proper ppe usage

is there even such thing as ppe in the transformers universe?? there are fluid- and contact-transmitted illnesses, so there SHOULD be

is there even OSHA in this universe??????? unbelievable 

first aid, holding a giant fucking claw clamp: we haven't tried EVERYTHING............

first aid read a human wikihow article on how to jumpstart a car and took notes 

i love tailgate’s ‘mom says its my turn on the xbox’ pose 

tailgate has a point - he’s from pre-war times, where things weren't as grey so of course he would try to divide the two sides into ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’

CYCLONUS BE NICE DONT HIT UR FUTURE HUSBAND

go get some character development and then maybe you'll feel better

seeing the word quarantine is making me twitchy w/my possible month-long complete isolation quarantine on the horizon

drift pulling his swords on pipes and ratchet pushing down drift’s arms...lmao

poor pipes...even tho this is completely his fault, its still rough

also jesus, pharma and ratchet look so goddamn similar, reading this was so confusing the first time around 

drifts idea of subduing pipes involves turning into a cool car and also posing with his sword

also. never gonna be over drift’s massive thighs. jesus man

ooof now drift has the rona. ouch 

poor drift, his covid realization is getting overshadowed by pharma being flung around

first aid bustin thru w/the epic medical nipple clamps and some Big Boi Backup

ok that's an epic pre-beatdown speech from fort max right there, daym 

im just gonna continue on w/issue 5 now for continuity’s sake. yay!

the cover of tailgate in magnus’s autobot school is so cute

and we open with an incredible shot of fort max str8 up ripping a guy in half. i mean, to be fair, he DID just give an epic speech about how much he was gonna do that, and he certainly followed thru

yeahhhhh, fort max is not doing so well atm

when he puts that dudes head in his chest vent thing and then snaps it shut....man 

also i fucking LOVE when their faces are shaded all in black w/only the eyes/mouth fully drawn...fantastic stuff

ratchet: phew i am not equipped to deal w/this level of Fucked Up Mental Trauma. u good m8?

ratchet is already writing up a referral to rung for fort max as this is happening

drift is just laying on the ground dying like, oh hey yeahh I'm still here too 

i fucking love when punctuation is drawn in story - like here where first aid has a little ? over his head....fav

ratchet holding drifts hand ;_; 

ok tbh ambulon having switched sides 10 yrs ago is wild bc like, 10 years is barely any time for these guys, especially in a war that lasted 4 million years. that would be like a human switching sides in a war like, 3 months before it ends. probably. i sense some math bs, I'm just extrapolating here

all that mexican standoff shit is going down and first aid is just like But That's None Of My Business

ah so ambulon is an asymptomatic carrier 

and there's first aid with the save! iconic

pharma calling ratchet ‘buddy’ hbvakjdsbfhkasdf

ooooh i love that they figured it out - and i love that twist, that transforming is what triggers the start of symptoms. remember when drift turned into a cool car? yep

s/o to Ambulon Transformers for helping me in my medical terminology courses, bc now ill always remember: Leg(tm)

also this explanation makes a ton more sense (in universe, at least) than the whole ‘i guess we as medical staff have been exposed to enough Germz that we’re more immune to this or something’ theory 

ah, i love the meaningless (to me) alien robot medical jargon 

drift and ratchet hhhhhhhhh

‘I'm too wide’ fort max L O R G E

also once again drift is forgotten in favor of a bunch of other dramatic stuff happening vbhjksdfbjhskdf

godddd i love tailgates little flashbacks where we see how Important and Special he is, complete with his ‘bomb disposal’ arm label...augh its so good! 

and tailgate’s autopedia page even reflects his lies! like, did tailgate go edit that first thing upon waking up??? seriously, I'm fascinated by tailgate’s meticulous dedication to his fake life

also the fact that ultra magnus believes everything he read on autopedia is amazing lmao

ultra magnus: you think somebody would just go on the internet and tell lies? 

fuckgin love magnus’s long ass name/title placard 

tailgate hvbahjkdfbjhaskf i mean, he’s gotten the abridged version of everything else, of course he would assume that’d be the case here too...but not on magnus’s watch

magnus cant even say ‘fun’ hvukdasdbjfkjsadf i love my uptight law dad

love rung implying that upon questioning, he would easily divulge a patient’s name and maybe even information about said patient’s treatment while under him....love the disregard for patient confidentiality and hipaa in general 

not that hipaa seems to exist here, at least not in a fully realized form 

also i mean the above genuinely, i think rung’s tendency towards at least slight malpractice is very interesting 

poor red alert....super bad luck that HE was the guy to get roped up in that overlord business 

I'm glad that, at the very least, red alert was able to prove that he was Actually hearing something to rung, rather than get brushed off completely 

god magnus and tailgate’s interactions are golden 

also tg is much more sarcastic/quippy than anyone gives him credit for tbh

‘thought warfare,’ ultra magnus says with complete seriousness. god i fucking love this comic

now i can tell pharma apart from ratchet bc pharma has let his true Petty Bitch nature emerge and you can see it in his expressions

the whole ‘tarn is addicted to transforming’ thing didn't really go anywhere, right? i feel like i noticed that on my second readthru as well 

also pharma is such an interesting character given the context of him like, trying to strike a bargain w/the djd to keep them from destroying delphi, but that arrangement inevitably kinda making him lose it as the situation escalates. he’s also just really entertaining bc i feel like he kins the joker or st and probably gets into really heated arguments w/people on twitter about just abt anything

‘sound bomb’ i love this comic

another important facet of pharma’s character becomes clear around this time as well - how he’s really into ratchet. i also choose to read them as awful exes tbh, it makes their dynamic even more entertaining

‘killmaster, with the wand’ is one of my favorite running remarks lmao

also, was killmaster even a character before mtmte? or, if he was, was he an important one? it would crack me up the most if he literally didn't exist at all, but any way you spin it is still funny 

ratchet’s tiny humansona facing off against pharma is wild

‘I'm miles from anyone i truly care about’ brutal, ratchet, drift is dying like 2 floors away (im p sure)

SUDDENLY DRIFT IS HERE, ACTUALLY 

oh don't worry first aid, that sure isn't the last we’ll be seeing of pharma 

so like, did first aid save everyone by posting that data log to his wreckers fan blog or something? lmao love it 

i love the pretty fucked up reveal of ratchet having stolen pharma’s hands. like, damn dude. 

and that wraps up the delphi arc! our first true ‘arc’ of mtmte, and a fantastic one at that. short and snappy and fresh, with some very clever writing and cool new characters, and a lot of great plot threads to be picked up later. plus, we got to see the beginnings of drift and ratchet’s whole thing (and ratchet and pharmas whole thing). and the lost light gets some much needed extra medical staff, so everyone wins! 

well, we’ll see how fort max feels about this all pretty soon.....

[mr-kamiyama]

A Word for Zoomers Who're Told They're "Making Up" Genders and Orientations.

I'm an Xer.

Well, actually I'm in that b.1977-85 throe where no two people can agree what I am. I'm Post Dankai Junior in the old country, but I was too old to be a kid for Pokémon, Harry Potter, I caught Digimon 02 during its premiere US run a rare Saturday the firm I worked at, that normally had Saturday hours, was closed. I met Windows Millennium Edition because a housemate, as back then, I'd realised I wanted to live with company, wanted to upgrade our computer to the newest version of Windows (and I promptly made AMVs using GIFs and lost them to the sands of time all before YouTube even existed) So that gives you an idea of my age.

I came out for the first time in high school. I came out as bi.

In Japan, transness, like here had different words we no longer use, but unlike here, wasn't a secret.

If I'd stayed in Japan just one more year, in '95 politician Kamikawa Aya began advocating on NHK for trans rights.

Maybe I'd've learned that transition *to* male and actual medical treatment like HRT to make that possible existed a whole lot sooner.

But I didn't. And so, I didn't realise it was actually something I could *do* and I wasn't doomed to be stuck until about 2010.

I claimed "bi" in the '90s, and mistook "you're a really cool person and really nice to me when few people are and so I really like you in a platonic sense" +aesthetic attraction for crushes of a romantic and sexual nature.

The SAM model was developed by bi people in the '70s, but where and when I was, there weren't exactly highly visible LGBT centres where I could learn this. So I thought any orientation had to be "x-sexual"

And I only knew about straight, gay/lesbian, and bi.

Which, the term "laaaaaaaabelllls" was coined by biphobic people my age. See, we weren't like people today, who literally can't live because of unfettered crony capitalism. You could get a nice studio on the nice side of town for eight days' work at minimum wage (of course, being POC, you had to find the right realtor), which back then was under four dollars an hour. You could get a 2br/1.5ba rowhouse for about two weeks' worth, which is half a month, but these days, that much work will get you a barely-studio in shoot-you-in-the-face-in-broad-daylight territory.

But we were still plenty suspicious of marketing. So queerphobic Xers went "don't make me acknowledge your filthy non-mono sexuality! What if I told you naming what you are is dehumanising, like labelling a jar of mayo, and you're the product!"

Which is no different that queerphobic Millennials claiming "Queer is a slur uwu call it gay because cisgay and cishet are the only valid IDs uwu Gay has never ever been used as a pejorative uwu"

Which is also bunk because back in the '90s, if one young man did ANYTHING another didn't like, the other one could call it and him "gaaayyy" and that would be a homophobic attack via toxic masculinity on the first young man. Heck, I don't listen to much grunge, though I did at the time, but it's used this way in some Nirvana song. I just can't remember which one.

Anyway, so I claimed bi and spent the next 23 or so years fighting for it even against physical violence to make me claim something in the false straight/gay binary

All along, I thought "the mushy stuff squicks me because I'm a guy (insert ways I justified things before I realised that yes, I actually am male for prior to 2010)" which, yeah, I'm still sorting through the myriad manifestations of toxic masculinity and learning to spot them. What that actually is is romance repulsion.

I'm actually aroace.

To go further, I actually have very strong platonic affection feelings, and "idemromantic" is not necessarily my actual identity, but that, and at least some idea, if even wrong, that the other party was interested, was how I sorted whether I should approach the other person as "friend" or "potential partner" subconsciously.

Plus to further complicate things, I'm sex-favourable ace/cupiosexual, which meant that just hearing limited definitions of things like sex repulsion in aces didn't clue me in. It wasn't until discussing what sexual attraction was with a newly-realised gay first wave Xer last year that I realised I had no idea what that was and had never felt it, and was therefore asexual. Which after the discussion with that guy, I dove into readings by you all on Tumbler first.

And I only realised I'm aromantic last month, though I've been questioning for actually a year this month.

Now, I'd say my aesthetic attraction is definitely bi, and yes, I accept the redefinition made with the info we have now of two or more genders including your own" which *I read* as "but not necessarily all genders, and perceived gender is a factor" whereas pan seems to me like "perceived gender is not a factor in attraction" ??

Now, I still actually don't have an idea about my potential aesthetic feelings towards people who present NB. The men and women I feel it towards tend to have this or that decidedly masculine or feminine traits, and I may never, because people my age are less likely to come out.

Whether orientation or gender, people my age are products of a very binary 20th century. We were really all sorts of shape pegs, but many of us were and still are dodecahedrons and whatnot with choices of only square, circle, and mayyybe triangle holes.

Naturally, the dodecahedrons and the hexagons all tried to jam themselves in circle and square holes, whichever ones it looked like we could maybe wedge into.

This means plenty of us are going around thinking things like "I guess I don't like sex because I'm a woman" or "I guess I don't like the mushy stuff because I'm a man" or "I don't feel female so I guess I'm a man because I'm AMAB and that's all I got" etc.

Those most likely to come out are those with very strong NB/aro/ace feelings WHO BECOME INFORMED. And some may still not, or those with feelings they can't sort, because they've lived so long the previous way, they may at least feel they have too much to lose.

There's also people like me that need a lot of info to realise they were misreading their own feelings due to decades of amatonormative/heteronormative/binarist/toxic masculine brainwashing.

(I still don't like the term "toxic masculine" because I really want a term where we have more room to redefine "masculine" as decidedly masculine but wholly without the toxic stuff that's so married to "manliness," room to reject that stuff and revision manliness, but whatever)

THE REASON OLDER GENERATIONS DON'T HAVE THIS STUFF IS NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE INVENTING IT. IT IS BECAUSE OUR TIME DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

Yes, I think it's funny imaging how lost you'd be trying to use an 8-track player, or a library card catalogue actually made of index cards.

And had I not miscarried in December 2003 and had a sixteen year old, I'd have had them set up the internet TV device I got instead of three hours barely restraining myself from breaking it into pieces just like I was the only one who was able to figure out how to set the VCR clock and VCR+ timers when we got one when I was young. Which my difficulty with this stuff is more like a Boomer than an Xer. Most of my peers are pretty savvy. Sometimes my friends can tele-help me.

And I think new music,which I define as post-Y2K, stinks.

So I'm not hip and new. Plenty about me is just like your parents.

But no, you aren't making this up. And you're informing a lot of us. You're waking us up to how truly diverse humanity is. You're waking some of us up to who we really are.

And as for those of you who have crummy and even Karen parents, two things:

A. The Latino kids took me and the other Asian in in high school. There aren't many Asians in FL. (The "Another Chinese Family" bit on Fresh Off The Boat is so real) There are definitely some crummy Xers out there, and that's been true all along. There was even a right-wing youth org called "young republicans." There were Regean-loving racist queerphobes all along. They made my life miserable in high school, too.

B. There are also others like me that believe in you. That actually need you. You're bringing *back* a diversity that was smothered by colonial Europe. Historical precedent is actually on your side.

Thank you. I mean it. You're doing good, you're legit, and there are a lot of us who believe in you, too.

[imdoingthismspaintadventure]

In which it keeps happening

Dave: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests.

Oh this should be good.

Oh no more content related to Gamebro and their unholy ilk.

“Grand Snack Fuckyeah”...GTA....I love that it’s not even trying to make a clever pun. You know those “there was an attempt” stickers? This isn’t even an attempt.

Also is that review written by Dave? I want to learn how to write like Dave. That Moses comparison gave me life and took it away at the same time.

“Will popular beverages play a role? And how critical will they be in your quest to attain absolute sweetness?” I HATE that Death Stranding has made that actually not a joke. Just....God fucking dammit. DS is great by the way. ....I just realized Dave Strider and Death Stranding share the same innitials when I typed that. Why does it all fit? This is a weird ass tangent.

Seems every kid has their own browser after all.

You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post is a review of the MARCH ISSUE. You've been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you've been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they're reviewing just doesn't strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.

Don’t be a coward Dave! A true artist doesn’t blame his tools! You can make the greatest shitpost ever, I believe in you.

Excuse me what in the fuck

In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It's called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF. You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona's sincerity. Which is just how you like it.

...

Is that a real site?

Oh god it’s real

Oh god what the fuck is this

This....This actually takes effort to do. Like, the fucking title is a low res looking JPEG piece of fucking shit, but it’s a finely curated piece of fucking shit.

I just touched one of the buttons and it changed page.

it changed page.

there are more pages.

what

is this another comic entirely??

What...What do I do with this??

Do I liveblog it?? IS this still homestuck?? What is going on????

Okay I asked what the fuck this was, and all you guys answered me with was cryptic warnings and hushed expectations for my suffering and/or ascension. Like this was some sort of cursed chthonian text that would kill my sense of sanity.

Seems about right.

I don’t know why it posted two times I think I might have clicked it twice.

I’m not fixing my mistake cause I think it goes perfectly well with the spirit of the work.

Speaking of the work.

Nani the fuck

So one of these two duders is going to play some games of the video....and he encounter stairs....and he falls down said escaleras.....over and over again....in an endlessly recurring loop........while the other guy just fucking LMAOs at him saying “I told you about the fucking stairs, dumbfuck!” and he keeps falling...and falling...and falling...

Also I have heard “It keeps happening” before as an internet phrase. I’ve used it before What the fuck, it came from here?? From this.... thing??

This....

This is so perfectly and intentionally shitty, the whole comic is way too far to the left even. There’s a huge empty space on the right side.

Is the font fucking comic sans??

OH MY GOD THERE ARE 46 OF THESE.

You know those things that make you go “there isn’t a god”??

THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

This is proof for the existence of a god.

A talented and artful god

who fucking hates you

I’m gonna move on with the actual comic and you guys tell me if I should continue with this thing and when.

I’ll just leave you with this

Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew.

OH EXCUSE ME FUCKING WHAT

OH WELL SURE LET’S FUCKING GO LET’S JUST OPEN MSPAINTADVENTURES INSIDE THE COMIC ITSELF

IS THE MIDNIGHT CREW THE IN-UNIVERSE VERSION OF THE PROBLEM SLEUTH CAST?? IS THIS WHAT PS IS INSIDE THE COMIC??

You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going. You haven't looked at it in a while.

How meta can we go in this comic?

We’re already way to fucking deep and I don’t know how to swim.

Let’s go back to the shallow end of the pool please.

Midnight Crew.

Oh so we’re actually doing this. Oh.

What is this liveblog session?

Why is there a sword stabbing that map?

"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout. What will you do?"

I just checked and this is a pararell to “Compensation, adequate” oh my god

It really is Parallel Problem Sleuth

Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes.

OH MY GOD AN ACTUAL INVENTORY

BUT IT’S REVERSED.

THERE ARE 5 WEAPONS AND ONE ITEM THIS TIME

AND THE WEAPONS ARE ALL HAND-TO-HAND INSTEAD OF GUNS.

Also Occam’s Razor is fucking brilliant name for a Scalpel/Knife.

The right solution to a problem is usually the simplest one.

"Spades Slick uses OCCAM'S RAZOR to carve a circular hole into the HEIST PLANS, freeing it from the knife. You wonder what moron would jam the knife so hard into the table in the first place."

Probably one of you.

Probably all of you.

I know how everyone in these comics is.

SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots

Oh my god no

They are stuck in their hideouts aren’t they?

I can just feel his anger at this unbelievable bullshit

"You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it. A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage. It's the sort of rage that'll make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades."

Spades Slick seems like a hair away from murdering everyone else in that room. And somehow he’s the most relatable one in there.

Dave: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so.

Wait, that’s illegal

What is going on.

Why is everyone beating the shit out of each other?

Why is there a blender in there?

What is that antler thing and why is it coming out from a door?

Who is that guy on that picture?

You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead. You always forget to save your place in the story. It looks like tempers have become short in this pressure cooker already. You speculate that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 PICKUP.

Jumping ahead in these comics looks like a fine way to get really confused.

Dave: Save your place, read it later.

Hey now that’s familiar

Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long. You just don't have time for this bullshit. You'll catch up later. Besides, it looks like someone's pestering you. You're pretty sure you know who it is.

How long is homestuck by the way? I know it’s ungodly long but I just want to know the full extent of my road ahead on this foolish endeavor.

Also imma leave it here for today as I try to figure out what the fuck this was

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[macklives]

homestuck recap

i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there

anyways here it is

also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)

also that this is long

you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance

ive been coping with humor to get me through it

neato.

have fun with what i suffered through:

why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?

like did i miss a page???

OH its the beta version of HS thats why

damn its like 5 pages and thats it

mmh

well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.

do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”

thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.

god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did

i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now

cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz

flashbacks are starting up already

yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl

that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.

OH W A IT SHIT

i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place

my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.

oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that

little did rose know where that would get her right now

oh yeah

there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.

still think shes some weird spy or secret agent

i kinda love her ngl

anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?

oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf

and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red

huh, how times change

i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again

yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?

OH that makes also much more sense

bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.

i gotcha

man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat

are you

telling me

the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?

THE EGG

THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”

of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this

man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt

damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet

okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig

man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow

the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?

we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks

oh yeah that reveal

god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh

bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog

who lowkey

is doing better than bro

who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao

dreambot = terminator. im telling you.

sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”

why is the entire game session highlighted

i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY

okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout

which is honestly cool

idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.

yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching

yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.

especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION

pls can this be the halfway point to the recap

AT LEAST

so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.

speaking of jack

man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl

OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN

and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.

also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..

she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far

oh yeah okay

but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?

anyways

exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.

noice

i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.

yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute

fuck yeah the dick head

hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them

anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”

UH WHAT

WHAT

OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO

THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.

which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.

and jade is space. witch of space.

nice

i have no idea what that means ngl

okay finally

we’re at the trolls

maybe this recap will end soon

i remember when i thought they were internet bullies

yesss

someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke

it be like that, i annoy many

then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse

imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens

ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that

nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background

i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes

but theyre trying

OH MY GOD

I GET IT

FUCK

DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??

AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS

GOD D A M N

wow

i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”

flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans

anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really

he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song

i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh

trolling strategies

anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.

i wonder why it explodes

more importantly

....

terminator time?

this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.

absolutely gold.

all except AT’s rap.

GC was the only smart one with the linear shit

anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so

that will be fun for the future

john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there

yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things

OH and the white queen was the cursive

damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk

oHHH

i fucking SEE

thats why he said DNA

to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean

fucking neat wow

man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log

so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.

derse is very pretty, ngl

and wow shit

“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just

do that, awake in both places at once

i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow

ah yes, around the time things got confusing

okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao

the more you know i guess *twinkle*

i find that a neat concept tho

like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit

yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future

no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend

fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say

i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm

and then everything else just made me sad again

i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?

we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk

fucking DAVESPRITE

damn idk how that works

will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?

“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?

okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box

bc i thought he used his knife?

im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew

alright okay..

god that was a lot

i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE