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ofsa · 5 years ago

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Wassup chicken nuggets your local weeb trash has crawled out of the hellhole that is finals scathed but alive and is ready to write a completely self indulgent fic that’s only gonna get like half written and never touched out of feelings of inadequacy.

(I wrote this paragraph out like six months ago during the holiday break and I’m just now posting it, but this paragraph is honestly just so wild that I want to keep it

I’m also realizing I only got to the demonic ritual part and not the number part... oops?)

Anyways, this shit popped up on my dash and being the college AU trash I am (but not highschool AU trash— never that far down the rabbit hole) you loyal followers who haven’t run off to god knows where are getting some Naruto fic, which I have recently become a complete hoe for. Loosely inspired by Tozette’s The Natural Habitat of Haruno Sakura, an Akatsuki and Sakura centric story. (I tried to find their tumblr to link to but couldnt?)

(Oh, you thought that there was some part of this fic that wasn’t trash? Think again)

—

Sakura’s day went down the drain when Naruto called her at 6:00 pm begging her to cover his shift that was starting in thirty minutes halfway across campus while she had a t-shirt and underwear on catching up on the most recent season of her medical drama.

“But Sakuraaaaaa...” Naruto’s wails could probably be heard halfway across campus.

Sakura didn’t even bother trying to convince the boy otherwise, already getting up to put socially-acceptable and pizza-delivering optimal clothes on.

“I’m doing this only if you and Sasuke help me move out when I finally find somewhere cheaper to live.” The cost of rent downtown should be illegal it was so high.

“But you own so many heavy things! Like text books! And weights!”

Sakura tripped over one of the aforementioned medical textbooks lying on the ground in her room while attempting to tug a pair of jeans on.

“And delivering pizza on a Friday night all over the city on a bike isn’t how I wanted to spend the rest of my day but look what I’m about to do.”

“You do it on Monday and Wednesday nights,” Naruto whined.

Sakura could hear the frantic sounds of typing even over the phone as he typed out the assignment that was probably due at midnight.

“Naruto, are you just now starting that coding project you’ve been moaning about for the past two weeks?!” She heard a snort in the background before another voice cut in.

“At least you’re not here fixing the illegible junk that’s supposed to be code.” The combined clacking of both Naruto and Sasuke’s typing almost drowned out Sasuke’s reply. “Our group project has to be finished tonight and this idiot is just now defining variables.”

Sakura could almost smell the six pack of energy drinks strewn across the pair’s office.

“You know,” she waggled her eyebrows even though neither of them could see it. “You could always ask the TA for the one late freebie you get for a project.”

“And give him the satisfaction of knowing I don’t have any of my shit together for the coming midterms?” Sasuke let out a snort. The TA was his brother. “Only when Microsoft gives the idiot here an internship.”

Joke was on Sasuke. Naruto’s first interview with the company was next week and Sasuke was wading through the bureaucratic hell of applying to cyber security firms.

Sakura heard the hollow thud of Naruto throwing an empty can at Sasuke as she frantically searched for her keys.

“None of us have it together for midterms.” Finally finding her keys, Sakura ran out, locked the door, and headed for the apartment complex’s bike storage. “They just find joy in watching us grovel and beg for extensions.”

“Not everyone is a pre med student who is drowning in lab reports and orgo.” Naruto had singed a solid three inches of Sasuke’s hair off during the intro chem class they all had together and since then Sasuke avoided coming within ten feet of a lab.

“Better lab reports than hundreds of lines of code hours before it’s due.”

“That’s rude”

“Not as rude as using my lab notebook to put the fire out.”

Sasuke let out a hiss. “We don’t talk about that.”

“Oops.” Sakura heard a thunk that she assumed came from Naruto slamming his face into the keyboard in frustration. “I gotta go, I’m jumping on my bike. Call an ambulance if you don’t hear from me later because some car probably hit me. Bye!”

—

The end of Sakura’s — Naruto’s— shift was only one more staggering six pizza delivery away and a mile off campus. Sakura was steering with one hand, navigating with another, and balancing the pizza boxes on the back of her bike with a bungee cord and faith.

Instead of being given a house number, all Sakura had to work with was the description of the front door, which was apparently ‘covered in the symbols of the might lord Jashin’. While not the scariest place she delivered to (that honor went to the meth house that had a pot of the drug cooking on the stove two feet away from the door), it was definitely the weirdest description she had gotten.

Sakura rode past a door covered in a metric fuckton of wooden ornaments and she slammed on her brakes to not pass it. Only years of finely tuned pizza delivery instincts saved the two topmost supreme pizzas from flopping onto the pavement.

Grabbing the stack of pizzas, Sakura made her way to the front door, weaving around a rather extensive garden in the front of the house. She paused with her hand raised at the door, looking for satanic symbols signalling that she should be prepared to run in case she walked into a loony bin. Seeing only something looked vaguely ripped off of Harry Potter, Sakura shrugged and knocked.

“Pizza delivery!”

She heard yelling from inside the house as several people argued about who would answer the door. Something crashed to the ground on the second floor, directly above her, followed by an extensive amount of cursing. Sakura’s eyebrows were raised, mildly impressed with the person’s creativity, when one of the residents opened the door.

“Haruno Sakura here with six pizzas.” She listed off the types of pizzas and handed the tan, black haired man the boxes. “You’ve already paid but a tip was not included.”

The man, who had worn a neutral face before, tilted his lips downward.

“Just one moment,” he said, backing into the bourse. “You may come in if you’d like.”

After the whole meth house incident, Sakura liked to make it a point to not enter houses that she delivered to, however a quick glance inside provided a view of a clean hallway and part of the kitchen that appeared drug free. Taking the chance, Sakura followed after the tall man.

They turned left into the kitchen where a blonde guy with long hair was sitting with a sketchbook.

“Ooh? Kakuzu, is the pizza finally here?”

The man she assumed to be Kakuzu made a noise of agreement. “She needs the delivery tip though, and I will not pay it.”

The blonde rolled his eyes, but nodded. “OI WE GOT PIZZA!” He yelled to the ceiling. “BRING TIP MONEY.”

There was more swearing by the same person as before accompanied by creaking floorboards as the other residents moved towards the first floor.

Kakuzu nodded once at Sakura and left through one of the other doorways out of the kitchen. The blonde looked back to her and held out his hand.

“I’m Deidara.” He dug through his pockets and pulled out a single bill. “We’re splittin’ the tip — except Kakuzu, the cheapo. They’ll bring the money when they come grab some.”

He paused, glancing at the sketchbook for a moment before looking back at Sakura.

“You ain’t in a hurry are ya?”

Sakura shook her head. “No, it’s fine. This is my last delivery.”

The door across the hall from the kitchen opened revealing a red headed man with deep circles under his eyes climbing up a set of stairs. He looked through the pizzas, grabbed the veggie one, and left without saying a word, leaving a few crumpled bills in his place.

The next pair to come in was an intimidatingly tall guy beefy enough to bench Sakura with one arm and a shirtless man in sweats.

“Where’s the pineapple pizza?”

Sakura grabbed the Hawiian and handed it to the inhumanly large, muscular guy.

“Fuckin’ nasty,” the shirtless man said, popping open a meat lovers box from the pile. “What uncultured heathen puts pineapple on their pizza?”

“Um, excuse you, pineapple is wonderful.” Sakura felt the need to defend her favorite topping. “It balances out great with the greasiness of the cheese.”

Muscular man nodded in agreement. “Not all of us can be elitist culinary chefs, Hidan.” He looked back over at Sakura. “It’s always wonderful to meet a fellow pineapple lover. I’m Kisame.”

Deidara let out a snort.

Sakura introduced herself, waiting as Hidan dug through his pockets with one hand and shoved two slices at once into his mouth with the other.

“Why the fuck am I stuck with all the crazies?” Hidan threw another few bills onto the pile and moved to grab a cup of water from the sink. “Fuckin pineapple… seriously.”

A large crash from above shook the entire house, followed by something that sounded suspiciously like a squeal.

Hidan’s glass clattered back into the sink. “Oh shit, Wilbur’s escaping!”

Sakura barely had time to comprehend what was going on before Kisame grabbed her and threw them both out of a direct line with the door. Suddenly the squealing started back up, and a pig scrambled down a flight of stairs, through the kitchen and out the backdoor, barreling over Deidara in the process.

Sakura gaped at the bloody tracks left behind.

“What the fu—“

“MY SACRIFICE!” Hidan dropped the crust that he was still holding and ran after the pig, grabbing a- holy shit was that a machete- and leaping out the door.

Sakura stood dumbstruck at the open door into the backyard.

“Umm,” She was actually struck speechless.

She watched as Hidan chased the pig around, jumped on its back, and promptly sliced its neck open in the backyard, chanting the entire time.

She let out a squeak. “I’m just going to leave. Don’t uh, worry about the rest of the tip. Kay thanks bye.”

Without waiting for a response, she ran out of the house. She heard indistinct yelling behind her as she jumped onto her bike and pedaled as fast as she could back to main street.

—

“Naruto, you will not fucking guess what just happened on my last delivery.” Sakura had finally calmed down enough to make it back to work, and after having clocked out, was steadily pedaling her way back to her apartment while on the phone.

“You ran into a stripper!”

“Um, no.”

“You got propositioned to be a stripper.”

“No.”

“A stripper—“

“Naruto, it has nothing to do with a stripper, prostitute, or any other sexual worker.”

There was a pause as he tried to come up with another guess. The distinct sound of two keyboards having the life beat out of them filled the silence.

“You ran into a demonic summoning ritual!”

“Also not a demonic—“ she paused, thinking about Hidan’s chanting. “Actually yeah, I’m pretty sure I saw a demonic summoning ritual.”

Sasuke’s typing stopped.

“What.” It was only through years of experience that Sakura could pick up the faintest hints of concern in Sasuke’s voice.

“There was a pig?” Sakura stopped at her apartment complex.

“What? Ino goes to school like five hours away.”

Sakura shook her head. “Ugh no, an actual pig. Anyways, it ran out of the house and this shirtless guy chased it down? And cut its throat open in the yard? With a machete?”

She walked up to the front door and paused, slapping the sides of her coat and pants. She let out a swear.

“I left my keys somewhere.” She thought back and blanched. “I must’ve been in such a hurry to leave that I didn’t grab my keys at the last house.

She looked at the time. 11:53. That meant the front office to the apartment was closed.

“I’m locked out,” she said, sitting down on the ledge of the building.

That left her with two options: Either go back to the crazy house in the middle of the night to grab her keys or crash somewhere else for the night. Which translated really to one option.

Naruto took slightly longer to come to the same conclusion but eventually got there.

“You can stay here Sakura!” A grunt. “As soon as we get these last compiling errors ironed out.”

There was a slightly more pleasant grunt.

Sakura looked up and down the street. She lived in a fairly nice section of the city, and could wait.

“We’ll come pick you up—“ Another disgruntled noise from Sasuke. “I’ll come pick you up in like fifteen minutes!”

Sakura checked the clock again. Five minutes until Naruto and Sasuke’s project was due.

“Will you guys finish in time?”

Sasuke's typing got more aggressive if that was even possible. “Barely.”

She stayed on the phone as the pair finished and turned in their project with ten seconds left to midnight, and went into further detail about the pig encounter while Naruto drove to pick her up. The neighborhood between where they lived had gang violence at least once a week and Sakura was too emotionally exhausted to deal with being robbed at gunpoint.

Naruto whipped the car to a stop beside Sakura and she climbed in, suddenly exhausted. She barely managed to stumble her way to the couch and chuck off her shoes before collapsing asleep.

—-

“im a pizza delivery person and i just delivered a pizza to someone in the middle of a satanic ritual and they gave me their number???” AU

- (anon)

#God I dont even know what were calling this story yet #Its straight up just called college au garbo on my google drive #Guess we're tagging this as akatsuki sakura college au #Akatsuki sakura college au OFSA #god that's gonna be a pain to type out #ill figure it out later #pls shower me with compliments #my shitty writing can't do with much else #naruto #fanfiction #naruto fanfiction

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