#i made this meme in like 30 minutes at school

[seer-of-life-knight-of-doom]

[david-goldrock]

I am thinking about them again, so let me tell you the story of Ayala

Ayala is not their name, obviously, none of them names in the story are true.

We met in the 4th grade. I just moved towns and went to this new school, but she wasn't in it. She was at the gifted kid institute. Once every week, they'd pull us out of the school system to let us into a world of happiness, challenge, and understanding. My best of days were from there, I have yet to have told you of the time I got high off of sugar there, but that's a story from another time, for another time.

It's the 4th grade, and I just meet the fellas, many of which I still keep in touch with.

She had glasses. she always wore the same blue hoodie, summer and all. She was always a bit cold. She had this weird bowl cut hair that never crossed her shoulders, as if she cut it the shortest she could without being an outcast. she was funny, she was brilliant, smarter than I am for sure. She beat me at math, and at riddles. She solved a Rubik's Cube while I was fiddling with the upper face. She could speak a bit of Chinese by the end of that year, I couldn't remember anything but my name, which was the same word

She was my best friend at the time. I didn't have a smartphone, so we couldn't text, only call. So we did, often. once a week, twice a week, thrice a week.

When we met, I'd hug everyone. we were still young enough so it wouldn't be weird. We were still young enough I couldn't control my strength, and would often chock my friends out. She was the only one who matched my strength. Some people appreciated the hug but wanted out, not her, her hugs lasted minutes, filling my inside.

The years went on and we grew closer. We made a religion, with goals, rituals and all. we made a plan to kill every adult in the world so only we will remain. We would make jokes, we would make games, we would recite plays, we would write poems.

6th grade. I got my smartphone.

We texted, every day, for hours. We didn't know what memes were back then, nor did we have some, but we would create jokes and tell each other. We'd challenge each other with riddles and philosophical thought experiments. We would plan actual experiments. I told her her experiments would almost certainly be illegal to perform, but she just brushed it off.

7th grade, the hottest class at the institute? gender studies. of course, it is, one day I'd perform the experiment we once designed: track the gifted kid population through a 10-year period and check how many are LGBT. in our institute it's only been 4 years, and we are already over 50%. I am one of the few cishet boys in the class, as to be expected. I challenge and ask questions, often. the class almost never advanced after the first slide, we would get caught up in discussions. the discussions didn't end at class, the WhatsApp group was fuming, always running, 19\7. The discussions didn't end at the group, She and I would chat to the late hours of the night, after the teacher couldn't handle it anymore.

She convinced me god does not exist, and that it is okay, because we had each other. It took her 30 minutes to turn me from a questioner to an atheist.

She was so smart, and so funny, and so... beautiful. She was stunning. No makeup, no fancy clothes, she didn't look like a traditional model, and my parents openly called her ugly to my face.

They could never understand, She was beautiful.

I fell in love. I didn't know it at the time, I didn't recognize the feeling, I didn't know it, but now I do. I fell in love, I fell hard.

Then 8th grade. Covid hits. my grandma dies. I don't know what happened at her side, but shit hit the bottom as well. We fell into a deep depression, both of us. There were weeks at a time I would feel nothing. We would message a lot over that time, I was really sad, she was suicidal.

At 9th grade shit hit the fan, she called me, she didn't call me often by that point, only texted, so I was ecstatic.

"hey david"

"HEY WHAT'S UP? HOW ARE YOU?"

"david can I ask you something?"

"Sure..... what is it?"

"if i'm gone, will you be okay with it?"

"WTF?! NO! WTF? WHY WOULD YOU SAY IT? NO! NOT EVEN AS A JOKE!"

"please"

"NO! AYALA! YOU ARE NOT DYING ON ME"

*hangs up*

I call her mother. It took me 15 minutes to call her, I didn't have her number, Ayala didn't give it to me, and none of my friends had it. I found it 15 minutes later in a "details" card I kept from a year before.

15 dreadful minutes

She responds, she tells me she's safe, she's with her, everything's fine, she knows she is suicidal, they are working on it, thanks for calling

A month later they tell me they are non-binary, and that their name is now Ash. I am shocked. I ask them if I could still refer to them in the female. They say that in hebrew, yes, but to use "they" in english.

Their messages get less frequent

2 months later I get a call from her mom. They tell me she tried to suicide. she took an overdose of pills, and then called the hospital on herself. She is fine, but she is put in the mental hospital for the time being. No phone contact

3 months later, I get a text. "Hi, sorry for being distant, I got my phone back, for a while. I wanted to tell you that the reason I called the ambulance is that I didn't want you to be hurt, or for my cat to be hurt"

They don't respond to any of my texts. I send them memes, and drawings, and get-well-soons. I pray for them every night. I get the occasional text, once a month roughly. "ha ha", "nice one", "use the masculine next time or this will be the last time I text". I didn't even know it bothered them

I finally changed their handle on my phone. I changed it to "Ash (male) GoodHuman". I knew their family name, of course, but it didn't matter, what mattered is that I miss the GoodHuman.

Then... a year passes, and a few months more, they haven't written a text in what seemed like forever.

"Hey david, sorry for ghosting you, It was too difficult responding, I love your texts, and I will try to text you more often"

so we continue to text. turns out, they cut their hair short. they switched to cargo pants and leather, no more blue hoodie. They wore a fedora now, and had new glasses

They had a new boyfriend.

I do not remember their name, I am afraid to go look if I'm honest. I don't like the guy, he seems way too controlling, and way too sure of himself, and way too... too dumb for them. But they were happy, and after the last couple of years, it's been good enough knowing that they were happy

They texted from his phone sometimes. he switched and talked to me sometimes.

I meant to sent her something by mail. I knew the city, but not the address, so I asked.

They told me "Oh didn't I tell you? My parents got divorced. My mom couldn't handle me being trans, my dad could. I live with him now"

They give me the address

It's so close. So absurdly close. Not in my city, but my city borders a field, and the field connects to another city. I lived on the entrance to the field, they lived on the other. Half an hour by bike.

So they invite me over, and I bike. I bike like mad, I didn't know the path, it didn't matter, I rolled through the thorns, they couldn't hurt me, we are about to meet again.

And we met, and we talked, and we watched a musical, and we played, and recited plays, and sand songs, and we riddled each other riddles, and we played philosophy, and it was suddenly like the old times came back.

I asked how was it going with the boyfriend. They told me they actually were polyamorous, and if I wanted, we could have sex right there and then, her father wasn't home.

I suddenly realized... the years have changed me. I say no.

It was getting late, so I went to take my bike and... the thorns punctured them. I didn't even think to look. I waited for their father to return to bring me home, and promised: next time in my house. They gave me an origami frog. I still have it

Their father came later. he drove me back, but by the time we got home, my mother asked where I've been.

I lied. My mother hated Ash, and still called them Ayala. I don't remember my lie, I am pretty sure she knew exactly what happened, but we never talked about that.

Stuff went well for a while, then...

We went into a gender studies discussion. It went as usual, then they said "yeah, but all men are rapists".

"I'm a man"

no comment

"Ash, I ask you to back down, this hurts me a lot"

They doubled down. I don't remember what they said. I remember I shed a tear for the first time since my grandma died and say "If you want to talk with me again, back down, if not, I will not engage again"

I assumed they'd back down in a day. In 2 tops. Every day I'd check the chat, still empty.

5 months later: "I am not backing down, but it shouldn't affect our relationship-"

I stop reading

I write some "professional speech" bs about me being able to accept an apology whenever they'd like, but I cannot continue like this, and wish them the best

This is the last message in our chat

Often I ask myself if I was too dramatic, If this was too much, If I should have accepted it for our friendship. I don't know the answer

This was a year ago. more, actually. They never came for the "next time in my house". The friends who keep in touch with both of us say they are still with the same boyfriend. they colored their hair. they are trying to pass school, but having a hard time with math.

I pray they are still okay

[puella-peanut]

Season 5, episode 3.

So I just got done with the truly painful "The Mig Runs Away To Mexico Because Daddy Issues While Johnny Lies To Robby And Puts Him In Danger And In Dead-Last Place To Rescue Him" twin-shit episodes only to be punched in the face less than 5 minutes into episode 3 with...the Jarmen baby.

!!!

Because for some reason the show really wants us to believe that Carmen, a kind, educated woman who has a good, stable job in the healthcare field, who has access to all sorts of birth control, who is also the loving single mother to a nice and good-natured teenage boy (who she has taken very good care of after escaping a deeply abusive relationship with a violent loser)--would still, despite all this, somehow allow herself to get knocked up by...Johnny Lawrence.

A deadbeat, violent, alcoholic, unstable, dumb, struggling, in-and-out of a job 50+ year old man who let coming in second place at a high school karate tournament ruin his life for 30+ years. Who can't even always get it up, and is obsessed with a kind, cute and successful middle-aged car salesman.

Clearly this show thinks we're all smooth brained. And with the way they write these characters (or lack thereof)--I really do think we, or at least I, ought to be.

Maybe then I could still enjoy truly terrible writing like this. Unfortunately though, since my brain still has some convolutions, I can't. Everything about this plot point screams "incompetent men writing about women". Also some weird form of wish fulfillment, because clearly being like Johnny means that instead of trying to repair 16+ years of deadbeat fatherhood and finally growing the fuck up, you get rewarded with a hot single mama to practice being an adult man with, and a new baby to practice being a dad with.

Cue montage of wrapping diapers around a six pack of beer, because alcoholism makes for great memes, and humor great dads. Harhar.

Sorry Carmen that the writers made you settle. Sorry Robby that the writers hate you so much. Sorry Johnny that...you know what, I'm not sorry.

You suck.

[astronnova]

Okay but I wouldn't purely blame LMK for the flanderization of Tripitaka. All the flanderized depictions in fan works I've seen are from people who actually read the book and made fan art of the original source. And both versions of Trip develop into better people, anyways. Also, it's a little hurtful to say that most people don't analyze what they read, no? Granted, it's a kids show so much of the fanbase are minors, but like...kids will be kids.

my bad that it came across as hurtful! thats not my intention, i meant it as more of an objective viewpoint on something that's become widespread online and irl then just an insult to people.

unfortunately, a lot of people within the uhhh lets say 15-early 20s range dont... dive as deep into literature as they should. you ever heard of that one meme about "the door is blue because the author liked the color blue" ?

this is just one of many, and you couldnt go anywhere online without seeing somebody make this kind of joke. schools dont even really teach deep analysis of literature recently (i should know, ive been in multiple english lit classes and most of them don't dive as deep as you could and should. the only one that does that is with my most recent professor), and this stuff happens in highschool. yknow, during students most formative years of learnin stuff.

kids shouldnt just get a free pass on choosing to ignore the main point of a piece of literature because "kids will be kids". literature is the backbone of critical thinking, most people develop that skill through reading, and stories have a greater purpose, especially classical ones, than just "heres a show that provides constant stimulation with no reason".

i probably sound a little crazy or something, and im not articulating this as well as i could due to me taking *checks notes* two melatonin like 30 minutes ago BUT anyway tldr for that section is that a lot of people just dont dive deep into literature and its true meaning. a lot of folks like only looking at the surface level bits because its so much easier and simplier than writing an 1000 word essay about the importance of a certain theme within a piece of classical literature or something

steering this back to monkie kid,

the thing i explained above i think is one of the sources as to tripitaka, and sun wukong's, flanderization within the monkie kid fandom. instead of looking at the characters with the original intent of the religious text, its looked at as more of a "well he did X so he's a bad person". its too literal for a religious allegory. trying to apply strict "real world black & white morals" onto characters like this just wont work and will end with every character from the original jttw with the label of "bad person".

i could go onto a whole rant about how the recent decline of deep analysis of literature is the reason so many people seem to prefer "childrens cartoons" (because of the easier to understand morality/lessons) over, say, classical work or hell even some modern classics. this isnt an insult towards ppl that like "kids cartoons" btw, like look at my whole blog its just about cartoons LOL . i think theres more than just that one reason as to why people, at least online, gravitate towards childrens cartoons (likely because theyre more fantastical rather than trying to cater towards "adult gritty realism" and are animated, which is hard to find nowadays with all this "live action remake" junk), but i do think its one reason.

again, my bad if i sound like an ass or something or if i dont make sense, its like 12 am and i shouldve been asleep like an hour ago but im easily distracted LOLOL . but yeah, i think the source of the flanderization is just people misunderstanding the point of the original text and trying to apply modern storytelling conventions to something thats meant to be a big ass metaphor for enlightenment

[goodluckclove]

Everytime I casually reference that I was on 4chan a LOT from about 4th grade to mid high school, I get a small kick that's both good and bad. I feel like a relic of internet history for a younger generation that seems to commonly generalize 4chan as entirely racist Nazi pedophiles.

Don't get me wrong, there were racists and Nazis and pedophiles. There were people who did actual crimes or wanted to plan actual crimes. Someone gave a warning for a school shooting a few times maybe. All of that is real and happened - mostly on the /b/ forum, which was the biggest and most popular image board.

What I think people don't include when they talk about that is just how big /b/ was. It was a constant deluge of conversations. Like if it was only hate crimes and murders and actual felonies, it'd be taken down pretty quickly. The nefarious part about that community is that it was so massive and quick-fire that by the time you hear someones planning a crime the thread be gone forever. /b/ had ten pages, and it was common knowledge that a thread was near dead if it slipped past page two. I literally never went to page ten. Why would I? A thread on page ten is like minutes away from being wiped.

So yeah, it was essentially like a public park. Like a public park in a big city. I live in Portland, so it could be by the Waterfront. Maybe there are stabbings. Maybe people are doing drugs. There might be a car parked just...on the park? Why? How?

But also it's a big river and it's a big strip of park and if I go to the same spot every day for a month, I'm going to see something truly despicable maybe once. Even if I'm there for hours. The rest is a mixture of people doing vaguely unhinged shit like you'd see if you walked around a lot of downtown cities these days, stuff that's really easy to ignore because they're just shouting slurs at no one, and just regular human stuff.

Like shitposts and memes. People asking for advice and actually getting reasonable advice. Life hacks threads were really helpful for me because I had to cook for my older siblings. I made my first spaghetti carbonara using a recipe I got off /b/. 4chan was always from my experience niche enough to have a big techie base so people would argue over tech stuff or ask for suggestions. People made threads sharing cool wallpapers they collected or albums they pirated. I discovered like two thirds of my music tastes on 4chan. 4chan surpasses tumblrs influence on online culture, working in a similar field but on a MUCH larger scale. As far as I'm aware they're one of the central origins of creepypastas, which matters to probably few else but me.

I had a creepypasta folder on my computer with separate images that were just black with white text of the story. Like the creepypasta wiki was in early development when I was a freshman in high school I think. Before that I would manually manage individual images of creepypastas to my friends do you understand how wild the passage of time is?

This is not me romanticizing 4chan or /b/. I don't go there anymore. I don't think lurking there sounds fun anymore. But I do acknowledge the fact that the website gets 22 million unique visitors every month.

Can you conceptualize like a single mall that gets 22 million unique people coming in and out every 30 days? I picture it in my head and I think it's amazing as a piece of technology and humanity intertwining, for both good and evil and mundanity. I also think it's painfully obvious that some people would do crimes or show their dicks.

There were a lot of dicks on /b/. That. I don't have an explanation for that. There were a lot of threads of people just sharing pictures of their dicks. Mostly with no comment? I never understood the reason and usually just scrolled past because that's what you do. I have a theory that a lot of people who used to be really into the community on /b/ are now very happily and peacefully some kind of queer after solving some inner angst, but that might just be wishful thinking.

[noangeleither]

"About the Blogger" Meme

Thanks for tag @bioloyg <3

Star Sign(s): Scorpio Sun (I literally never remember my other ones, I should probably memorize them)

Favorite Holidays: Christmas and Halloween. even tho i find it harder to feel the holiday spirit up until the very last minute i love christmas so much. and not even to be corny but its true that when you grow up you start to care less about the presents and more about the memories with family and friends.

i grew up in a religous family so my parents didnt let me celebrate halloween but i still love it with my whole heart. im a november baby so i love fall and all things eerie and spooky.

Last Meal: McDonalad's snack wrap and one of those new fruit splash drinks. its exam season so ofc im eating like shit. will probably eat some ice cream when i get home after my physiology exam in 30 minutes. so yay to junk food

Current Favorite Musician: currently ive been really enjoying pinkpantheress. her new album is literally 10/10. she has such a knack for melodies, and her lyrics are very eerie and poetic while maintaining a cutesy 2000s vibe. shes also a sampling queen.

honoarble mentions: ive been listening to a lot of janet, rosalia and red velvet these days too.

Last Music Listened To: feedback by janet Jackson. bro istg you have to clear the area when this comes on, i cant help but dance

Last Movie Watched: last movie i watched was bride wars. honestly a classic movie, so funny and i love wedding movies so i reccomend it. that was a month ago tho, which is crazy.

Last TV Show Watched: like the wonderful person who tagged me i watched the bear last. i just rewatched s02e01. ive been doing this thing where i'll either rewatch episodes for research, boredom or just because i get sucked in rewatching a specific clip that makes me want to rewatch the whole episode.

Last Book/Fic Finished: last fic i finished was keeping up with the berzattos by chefskiss40 on ao3. ive reread it like 3 or 4 times now and im patiently waiting for an update. its just so good, i love the domestic vibes. im not a fan of seeing my ships start families in canon but in fic? oh i could read that forever

Last Book/Fic Abandoned: not really abandoned but sorta modified? the sydcarmy high school au i started in the summer was a good concept but i didnt really have a concrete idea where the overall story would go. BUT im planning on maybe doing a series which is just a collection of one shots of them in HS? OR i plan on doing a multi-chapter shorter story that is an AU that also takes place in a high school setting but with a twist that i dont want to reveal bc that would mean i would have to commit to it. lol

Currently Reading: nothing. unless you count all these articles/research papers I've been reading for my health research studies course (think i aced the exam yesterday so maybe all the pain was worth it)

Last Thing Researched for Art/Writing/Hyperfixation: doesnt really count as research but basically i was on pinterest creating boards for 3 different fics. was researching wedding dresses for a nat & syd fic where they go wedding dress shopping (will be finishing after my last exam). also just creating two other boards to inspire myself to start the au i teased above and my bones and all AU/retelling i talked about last month. i want to watch some more cannibalism media and maybe research about 80s pop culture and politics before i dive into that one fully.

Favorite Online Fandom Memory: ummmm probably just being a menace on twitter with my friends that i made through being a reveluv. we talk every single day, and they are some of the best people i know. maybe the times we used to get up early or stay up late for comeback season, watch the kcharts being updated hourly and crack jokes about group we liked and didnt like

Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Drag You Back In/Have A Resurgence: technically THG is having a resurgence right now but im way too into the bear to really get back into it and also i havent seen the new movie. im excited to once exam season is done but i feel like the hype is already dying so i dont see myself getting too into it.

Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" but You Wish It Did: uhhhh cant think of one tbh.

Tempting Project You're Trying to Rein In/Don't Have Time For: honestly every sydcarmy fic idea i have that would take multi chapters to flesh out. one shots are very safe for me. but im praying i'll commit to it. esp the bones and all AU lol

this was fun

tagging some ppl to do this too, only if you want!

@amieraisposting @chefkids @sennenrose @sydneys-adamu @sydneyscarm @happylikeasadsong @chansoooo1-blog

[wookieeoftheyear]

edelweiss ⇢ how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you?

✨Annnnnd✨

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

So uhhh way back in the distant era of 2010 I was a regular on icanhazcheezeburger and memebase and their whole like meme economy megasite. I cringe just admitting to it. But my friend introduced me to Tumblr and convinced me to sign up. I’ve always been bad about coming up with clever names for stuff but a couple minutes before signing up for tumblr I saw this stupid image on memebase and in a pinch decided that should be my username. It’s been my URL ever since. It was either this image or a similar one:

My dear @quannaix this was a hard question to answer. I don’t know if I’ve adequately described myself here 😂 But you’re getting a rambling couple of paragraphs anyway.

Personality wise I was a shy, nerdy kid. I had like 3 friends, and it’s mostly because we were all obsessed with Pokemon and Star Wars. Adults generally liked me because I was a total square who never made anything less than an A+ in school and never asked for anything. I was that kid who finished all my classwork for the day in 5 minutes and then just read books the rest of the time.

As a teenager I came out of my shell a lot and I was pretty much cool with everyone. I was still a huge nerd and shy at times, but also made a lot of friends through sports and activities. When I think back to myself as a teenager I cringe because I was wrong about so much lol, but as an ignorant young man I thought I knew everything of course. 😅

I have changed a whole bunch in my 20s and even more now in my 30s. I fully credit getting a degree in Sociology as being a major turning point in who I am as a person and my understanding of the world. My empathy and emotional intelligence has grown tremendously. My views on everything continue to veer further left. I completely abandoned religion when I was a teenager and never looked back. I’m a bigger nerd than I’ve ever been but slightly retreated back into my shell lol.

Maybe I’ll share some photos at some point once we level up as friends 😆

[moonrevolutions]

'𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩?'

°✩₊˚.⋆ @depreciate. meme. still accepting!

❝I'd like a guy that can help tether me. Look, like. I'm a busy person. Some days it's not excruciating, some days I can't handle. Let me go over how my Friday went.❞ He fished around for the PalmPilot in his bag and went back a couple of days in the calendar. ❝7AM, I woke up and stayed in my bed with the phone to catch up on news and celebrity gossip. 7:35AM, I did some light yoga for a few minutes, followed by a super quick shower, my skincare routine, got dressed, and made a smoothie to drink in the car. Caught up on some emails I didn't get to the night before. Then, I drove to work. Got there at 9:01AM, did art therapy sessions with two clients at a hospital until 11AM. Had an NPR radio spot at 11:30AM until 1:00PM, then I had lunch at a Vietnamese spot.❞

❝2:30PM until 4:00PM was community art event coordination and preparation for a private school, fucked off to attend a mindfulness workshop after that until 6:30, then I had a meeting with some colleagues about a summit we're hosting in Palo Alto. Got home at around 9:40, ate a salad for dinner, took a bath, answered my emails, and then collapsed into a heap. My days aren't always that insane for the most part, but I'd like someone that… You know, they can help me keep my head together when I get home. Someone that'll help me sort my schedule and pour me some wine. A man that'll organize my emails and let me put my head on his lap. I get so tired, like, just doing everything myself.❞

[sobredunia]

9, 15, 29, 30 for the art thing :3

9. What are your file name conventions

I usually name them random shit ngl. tons of memes in there. for the game tho i know organising is important so I make it like "A [name of character] [number] [letter]" and then the mental illness starts

for funny file names I've found I've got forg gurl art fight, Holy fuck there's too many of them, Spaghott vent boi, these bitches aint learning shit, and BEE ROOM BLUEPRINTS NOT FUCKING FITTING (yes it was all caps) (there's a whole story behind it but that's for another day)

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

I do 99% of my digital art at home, and I do 100% of my traditional art at school. I get bored as shit there and I somehow manage to churn out fully shaded mfs every half hour

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

MRD fucks severely but I don't think I'm mentally ill enough about it to affect me, same with hi-fi rush

wii deleted you was fun while it lasted but I'll be damned if I ever want to draw bald people like this

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

I made a wholeass 4 minute animatic film.

oh and also these bad boys

and also i know its not exactly fair to call it underrated since it literally isnt released yet and there are like 2 streams of people who played this that are lost to the void but. hello I am making a game and I want it to be more known. i am just a silly little guy. and neurodivergent. and a minor

[mariellewritesalot]

14 Going on 24: To All the Girls I've Been Before

Sometimes I still feel like a teenager in my twenties.

Except not really, because I turn 24 in a few days and I find myself in a small town in Sevilla, Spain with my own apartment just a 6-minute walk from the high school I'll be working in for a school year. I'm doing adult things, like going to the local bakery to order a cake for myself and two boxes of pastries to share with the faculty, paying my own bills, cooking all my meals, booking train tickets for the holidays, and reserving a table at a restaurant in full Spanish without panic. My real teenage self had different dreams fed to her by the innate trophy-daughter urge to please her parents: go to law school, find a nice Catholic boy to marry, and stay in the Philippines forever.

You might have seen it on social media, the teenage girl in her twenties meme. It's a revival of everything we've ever loved growing up as girls together. It's a nice thing, this reclamation of girlhood. An attempt to somehow heal our inner children and reminisce on the times when we were only imagining what it would be like to be an adult. The mythical womanhood. A real 13 going on 30 dilemma. I wish we weren't in such a rush to grow up, but that's the irony of it all. As a grown woman, I often wonder about the girl I was, because despite all this I know I will never be her again.

She was ambitious, naive, too nice, but also a little arrogant it intimidated a lot of people with whom she could have been really good friends. I try to think fondly of the girl I was, and I honor her by preserving some of her interests that will never really go away, even now. I remember every young adult series I was ever obsessed with, alongside the sitcoms with each season I had saved on my netbook. I used to make physical mix CDs and now I curate Spotify playlists. I still get a little excited when a One Direction song plays out of the blue. I hear an indie song from years ago, like now as I type this while Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant is playing, and wish I could hear it for the first time again. I see old Facebook posts made by teenage me and chuckle at her drama. I unironically consume the Twilight Saga media when I feel a little sad, no matter how cringy people make it out to be. I love pink, books, letters, and stickers. I know every High School Musical song by heart. I have a weirdly specific knowledge of R&B and Hip-hop songs inherited from my brothers. I pray the same prayer at night, the one taught by my parents when I still shared a bedroom with them until I was fifteen.

A little confession: sometimes, despite loving the fact that I am wildly independent, I still miss having my mother around; even if it means having the occasional petty fights. Along with the tiny resentments of never fully living up to the image in her head, failing some of the dreams she also had as a girl, and rejecting the projection. I'm the most stubborn person I know, but sometimes I wish I could crawl under her table at her old office as I did so many times before, and cry before taking that nap I so vehemently refused but always took.

I look at old photos of myself as a teen and wish I was kinder to that girl, so I could unlearn the mean things I think about myself on occasion. One night on a casual doomscroll on Twitter, I read something along the lines of us seeing different versions of ourselves over the years and yearning for those times, how we never fully appreciate the current version until they become another face in a photo from years ago. A memory you didn't know you'd create.

I think about the people I had in my life then: friends, mentors, crushes, classmates, crappy boyfriends (ugh), and want to forgive her for the poor life decisions. She was forgiving to a fault after all, but she still makes me so proud when I remember how she learned her boundaries and stuck with them in the most crucial moments. The ones who were meant to stay are still with me to this day, the others who left have also left their mark on this version of me now, in some way. Some people have already arrived and others I'm looking forward to meeting soon. The growing pains feel especially potent as I continue to learn that change is constant and that sometimes who or what I want isn't necessarily good for me. The universe makes it known too often; I have to learn it by heart at some point.

Ultimately, I'd like to think she'd be so proud of me. Maybe, I turned out better than she hoped. I could also be such a stranger to her, a disappointment; her preparation for the real world. I still have a lot of work to do before I'm the adult she would have trusted and aspired to be, but knowing I'm on that path makes me confident that I can handle my problems like a grown-up. Being in my early twenties is to straddle the line between too young and too old, wanting to always do the mature thing, but sometimes still feeling like I'm a kid playing the role of someone who has it together. I don't. I don't think anyone does, really, not even older adults I know with much more interesting stories and problems. I try not to control everything and let things be because sometimes it's the only thing to do. Plans do fail, but somehow, things always work out for the better.

When I think of that transition from being just a girl to an adult with actual consequences, I remember Rory Gilmore crying in front of her grandfather at the end of Gilmore girls season 5; when she realized that she was no longer the golden child she was, but a young adult that might not be good enough for all of her aspirations.

I think about such tender moments of my girlhood, all the times I was teased for being chubby or having curly, unruly hair that earned me nicknames like Lion King or Hagrid. The first time I ever wore eyeliner to a family Christmas party, an uncle commented with such disdain, thinking I was doing it for attention. I'm weirdly familiar with terms like "malandi" or its English variations, even when I was just being friendly. In my first high school relationship, people gossiped about how my then-boyfriend was only with me so he could get higher grades, not for my looks. I know how they talked about a relationship they knew nothing about, completely overlooking how much I was hurt by this boy they adored just because he played some sport. I remember being a teenager, learning what it means to be attracted to another person romantically, and having a relative tell my mom, "Marielle's so into boys, ano?" even when I was single at the time and didn't really care for anything but starting college. There were weird older men who were creeps, and yet somehow I was made out to be some kind of a mastermind that lured them in. I was just a girl.

The beauty and innocence of girlhood are also marred by these moments of misogyny, sadly looking like a rite of passage every girl I know has gone through--one way or another.

At 16, all the pain I felt then felt like the rest of my life. A few days shy of 24, I realize that some pains are just too great that they will always stay, faintly, but life is so ridiculously unpredictable that there is no way we'll live on without incredible moments to show for it.

I look back on the year I just had in disbelief because so much has happened, most of them completely unexpected while others were dreams I worked hard to make my reality. I finished my undergraduate thesis on Filipino food and restaurants in the Filipino-American diaspora and graduated Magna Cum Laude from UP Diliman. I was in love with someone who I thought fit me so perfectly and felt the full aftermath of that heartbreak, lamented the impossibility of long-distance relationships, and believed I'd never do better; only to discover more about myself in the next few months and move on to a more beautiful love I never thought possible. I got into the 61st Silliman University National Writers Workshop, on my first (and could have been last, because I didn't know then when I'd be back in the PH) try, and spent two magical weeks in Dumaguete learning more about writing with the most amazing group of writers I now consider another chosen family.

I also outgrew some close friends. I had to process this unworldly form of devastation by going through all the stages of grief a million times over. I've reflected on what I can do better to nurture my relationships, and grown more appreciative of the unconditional friendships I have that continue to withstand time. I kept learning Spanish for two years and moved to Spain to explore more opportunities. It's been one of the most interesting years of my life so far, the emotions rising and falling like waves that sometimes consumed me whole. I've been through so much in year 23 that I'm both thrilled and horrified for the big 24, a year away from my expected quarter-life crisis.

I've always loved birthdays, by the way, and maybe I'll move on from it the older I get. I always look forward to the sweet messages and spending time with my friends and family. I like welcoming another year as an opportunity for me to try and do better. For this year, though, I don't have solid plans. It's on a Monday and I have classes to teach until 2:30pm. I reserved a cake with flowers all around it and a dedication written in Spanish, something the lady at the bakery wrote for me. I might take a few pictures with my film camera, invite some work colleagues for drinks, and cook Filipino spaghetti the way my mom does it. Maybe I'll call her, think of the ending to the movie, Lady Bird (2017). I could take the bus to the city center or enjoy a nice dinner alone with my Kindle. I might take calls from my friends and cry over their messages, miss everyone a little deeper.

I'll never be the girl I was, but she's still inside me somewhere. There's comfort in the growth. How to Say Goodbye by Paul Tiernan is playing through my laptop speakers. Someday, I'll look back to this time and remember what it felt like to anticipate my 24th birthday in Spain: a little lonely, slightly thrilling, and inevitably different.

I'll be changed, but not really--and it will be okay.

[snugglyporos]

@pinklocksoflove Man that's a throwback

So, funny story.

I grew up in rural east coast areas; and during the late-90s/early 2000s the focus in most media was either the california/x-games sorta boom or inner city life.

So like, things like Rocket Power and Hey Arnold were windows into a world that was totally alien to me, someone who grew up in 'merica country.

Like riding a bus 20-30 minutes to school levels of 'merica country.

Kids showing up at school with dead animals in their pick up trucks because they went hunting before school levels of 'merica country.

So I had like, no understanding of the sort of culture of 90s california. Totally alien to me.

But I distinctly remember that Rocket Power and Spongebob debuted on tv at the same time because they advertized them as debuting at the same time, and even at the time I remember going 'yeah one of these is gonna have a longer lifespan.'

Because by like, 2000, the gen-x sorta culture was on its way out.

But though I don't remember a ton of what happened in Rocket Power, I def remember Tito, who was basically a meme before there were memes. Doesn't matter what is going on, guy has some kind of bullshit saying he just made up. Absolute legend.

[donttalkaboutmemes]

Lilo & Stitch (2002) Sentence Meme

Under the cut you will find 150+ sentences from Lilo & Stitch to use for your enjoyment!    

1.      “You stand before this council accused of illegal genetic experimentation.”

2.      “My experiments are only theoretical, completely within legal boundaries.”

3.      “We believe you actually created something.”

4.      “What is that monstrosity?”

5.      “What you see before you is the first of a new species.”

6.      “He is bulletproof, fireproof, and can think faster than a supercomputer. He can see in the dark and move objects three thousand times his size. His only instinct is to destroy everything he touches.”

7.      “So it is a monster.”

8.      “It is an affront to nature! It must be destroyed!”

9.      “Calm yourself. Perhaps it can be reasoned with.”

10.   “Give us some sign you can understand any of this. Show us that there is something inside of you that is good.”

11.   “I want to destroy!”

12.   “I didn’t teach him that.”

13.   “Place that idiot scientist under arrest!”

14.   “I prefer to be called evil genius!”

15.   “It is a flawed project of a deranged mind. It has no place among us.”

16.   “The council has banished you to exile on a desert asteroid.”

17.   “May I remind the captain that he is on duty.”

18.   “I want an expert on this planet in here now!”

19.   “He won’t survive in water. His molecular density is too great.”

20.   “Earth is a protected wildlife preserve.”

21.   “Am I to assume you are the expert?”

22.   “Can we not simply destroy the island?”

23.   “Every time an asteroid strikes their planet they have to being life all over. It’s fascinating, isn’t it?”

24.   “I’m sure this comes as no surprise to you.”

25.   “I designed this creature for to be unstoppable.”

26.   “To reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture.”

27.   “It’s sandwich day. Every Thursday I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich, and today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich!”

28.   “I want to dance! I practiced! I just want to dance.”

29.   “I called your sister. She said to wait for her here on the porch.”

30.   “You better not have rabies.”

31.   “Are you going to play dolls?”

32.   “This is Scrump. I made her, but her head is too big. So I pretend a bug laid eggs in her ears and she’s upset because she only has a few more days to live.”

33.   “Leave me alone to die.”

34.   “C’mon! That social workers going to be here any minute!”

35.   “You are so finished when I get in there!”

36.   “I’m going to stuff you in the blender, push puree, then bake you into a pie and feed it to the social worker!”

37.   “Do you often leave your sister home alone?”

38.   “You don’t look like a social worker.”

39.   “I’m a special classification.”

40.   “Did you ever kill anyone.”

41.   “We’re getting off the subject. Today let’s talk about you. Are you happy?”

42.   “Okay! That’s enough sugar for you!”

43.   “Let me illuminate the precarious situation in which you have found yourself.”

44.   “I am the one they call when things go wrong and things have indeed gone wrong.”

45.   “My friends need to be punished.”

46.   “Call me next time you’re left here alone.”

47.   “In case you’re wonder, this did not go well. You have three days to change my mind.”

48.   “Why didn’t you wait at the school? You were supposed to wait there!”

49.   “Do you not understand? Do you want to be taken away? Answer me!”

50.   “Ugh! You’re such a pain!”

51.   “Why don’t you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?”

52.   “Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you were hungry.”

53.   “We’re a broken family, aren’t we?”

54.   “I like you better as a sister than a mom.”

55.   “You like me better as a sister than a rabbit, right?”

56.   “People treat me different.”

57.   “If you promise not to fight anymore, I promise not to yell at you. Except on special occasions.”

58.   “You rotten sister! Your butt is crushing me!”

59.   “Why do you act so weird?”

60.   “I need someone to be my friend, someone who won’t run away. Maybe send me an angel, the nicest angel you have.”

61.   “We’re looking for something that can defend itself, something that won’t die. Something sturdy, you know?”

62.   “Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door! We are getting a dog!”

63.   “It was dead this morning!?”

64.   “Wouldn’t you like a different dog?”

65.   “Yes. He’s good. I can tell.”

66.   “You’ll have to think of a name for him.”

67.   “Stop! I have just determined this situation to be far too hazardous!”

68.   “Using a little girl for a shield. This is low, even for you.”

69.   “Look at you! You look like a monster. We have to blend in!”

70.   “I’m sorry I bit you and pulled your hair and punched you in the face.”

71.   “Apology not accepted. Now, get out of my way before I run you over.”

72.   “That is the ugliest thing I have ever saw.”

73.   “Ew! Get it away from me! I’m gonna get a disease!”

74.   “His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone’s left shoe.”

75.   “It’s nice to live on an island with no large cities.”

76.   “When you’re ready to give up, just let us know, heh?”

77.   “This is you. This is your badness level. It’s unusually high for someone your size. We have to fix that.”

78.   “You didn’t even eat your sweet potato. I thought you liked them.”

79.   “She likes your butt and fancy hair. I know. I read her diary.”

80.   “Yeah, well who wants to work at this stupid fakey luau anyway?”

81.   “Did you lose your job because of me?”

82.   “The manager’s a vampire and he wanted me to join his legion of the undead.”

83.   “This is a great home. You’ll like it a lot.”

84.   “Be careful of the little angel.”

85.   “It’s not an angel. I don’t even think it’s a dog. We just have to take him back.”

86.   “He’s just cranky because it’s his bedtime.”

87.   “He’s creepy. I won’t sleep while he’s loose in the house.”

88.   “You’re loose in the house all the time and I sleep just fine.”

89.   “Look at him! He’s obviously mutated from something else. We have to take him back.”

90.   “What about ohana?”

91.   “Dad said ohana means family.”

92.   “I hate it when you use ohana against me.”

93.   “Don’t worry. You can sleep right next to me.”

94.   “Be careful of that! You don’t touch this! Don’t ever touch it!”

95.   “You know, you wreck everything you touch. Why not try and make something for a change?”

96.   “No more caffeine for you.”

97.   “You’re just jealous cause I’m pretty!”

98.   “What must it be like to have nothing, not even memories to visit in the middle of the night?”

99.   “Want to listen to The King? You look like an Elvis fan.”

100. “Heard you lost your job.”

101. “Thus far you have been adrift in the sheltered harbor of my patience, but I cannot ignore you being jobless.”

102.  “Elvis Presley was a model citizen. I’ve compiled a list of his traits for you to practice. Number one is dancing.”

103.  “Elvis played guitar. Here. Hold it like this, and put your fingers here. See? Now you try.”

104. “This is the face of romance. She looks like she could use some lovin’.”

105.  “I’m sure Elvis had his bad days, too.”

106.  “You have no idea how badly I need this job.”

107.  “I might not be a doctor, but I know that there’s no better cure for a sour face than a couple of boards and some choice waves.”

108.  “I know you’re trying, but you need to think about what’s best for her. Even if it removes you from the picture.”

109.  “I really believed they had a chance. Then you came along.”

110.  “Don’t worry. You’re nice and someone will give you a job.”

111.  “I hear you cry at night. Do you dream about them?”

112.  “Our family’s little now and we don’t have many toys but if you want, you could be part of it.”

113.  “Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind.”

114.  “If you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you, though. I remember everyone that leaves.”

115.  “Consider yourself fired and prison bound. Your incompetence is nothing short of unspeakable.”

116.  “The mission is in jeopardy. This could be your chance to redeem yourself. How soon will you be prepared to leave?”

117.  “Don’t run. Don’t make me shoot you. You were expensive.”

118.  “You’re built to destroy. You can never belong.”

119.  “Sometimes you try your hardest, but things don’t work out the way you want them to. Sometimes things have to change and maybe sometimes they’re for the better.”

120.  “I think I found you a job.”

121.  “This is really important. I need you to stay here for a few minutes. I’m going to be right back. Lock the door and don’t answer it for anyone, okay?”

122.   “You can just date me and we’ll call it even.”

123.   “Hiding behind your little friend won’t work anymore.”

124.    “Didn’t I tell you? We got fired this morning. New rules.”

125.    “I like fluffy!”

126.    “Leave my mother out of this!”

127.    “You could do with a makeover. I tried to give you my good looks, but let’s face it, something went wrong.”

128.    “Where’s the girl? What have you done to the girl?”

129.    “Aliens are attacking my house.”

130.    “There’s no need to alert the authorities. Everything’s under control.”

131.    “Oh good, my dog found the chainsaw.”

132.    “You shouldn’t play with guns.”

133.     “No! You’re not taking her! I’m the only one who understands her! You take that away, she won’t stand a chance!”

134.     “You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”

135.     “You don’t know what you’re doing! She needs me!”

136.     “Is this what she needs? It seems clear to me that you need her a lot more than she needs you.”

137.      “You ruined everything! You’re one of them?”

138.      “Surprise! And here I thought you’d be difficult to catch!”

139.       “Look at the bright side. You won’t have to yell at anyone anymore.”

140.       “Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.”

141.        “After all you put me through, you expect me to help you just like that? Just like that!?”

142.      “Oh, good! I was hoping to add theft, endangerment, and insanity to my list of things I did today.”

143.       “Don’t worry, it’s all part of the plan. We are professionals.”

144.       “We stay close. Hope for a miracle. That’s all we can do.”

145.       “You’re vile! You’re foul! You’re flawed!”

146.       “So, you’re from outer space? I heard the surfing’s choice.”

147.       “This is my family. I found it all on my own. It’s little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good.”

148.       “You know as well as I that our laws are absolute. I cannot change what the council’s decided.”

149.         “Aliens are all about rules.”

150.        “Take note of this. This creature has been sentenced to life in exile, a sentence that shall be henceforth served out here on earth.”

151.       “I was afraid you were going to say that. This won’t be easy to explain back at headquarters.”

152.      “Don’t let those two get on my ship.”

[gae-bolg-alternative-dot-exe]

I was tagged in this tag-chain thing so here I go

Hair color: Brown

Eye color: Brown

Height: 6

Zodiac sign: Capricorn🐐

Favorite color: It’s a shade not a color but black will always be my jam but otherwise I’ve been really into purple lately

Favorite book or book series: One Piece 😎

Favorite soup: french onion soup

Favorite month: I used to really like December because of the breaks and my birthday but I think October is actually my favorite now. Very pretty month with nice weather

Favorite meme: LuckyLuciano’s You Know I Had to Do It to Em is eternal especially when people started hiding him into images. Never fails to get a chuckle out of me even after coming out 7 years ago.

Place you’d love to visit: Japan or the actual planet Jupiter 

You have the power to redo and fix a show/book/movie, what do you choose?: Tough one because there’s so many good choices but I’ll go the Shonen route and choose the final two arcs of Bleach 😐 ᵒʳ ᶠᵃᶦʳʸ ᵗᵃᶦˡ ᶦⁿ ᵍᵉⁿᵉʳᵃˡ 

Popular media that’s celebrated on tumblr that you watched but didn’t care for: Everything that Mari Okada has a hand in. I liken her writing style to David Cage now. The mere presence of her name on a project invokes absolute despair and disappointment in me.

Do you give food to guests: If I have any food worth sharing, of course

Current job/major: right now I’m working as contract animator for a museum film

Time you spend commuting to work/school/etc: hour and 30 minutes per way :/

Last song you listened to that wasn’t part of the tag meme chain: See Me by LeBrock (very catchy song)

Meaning behind your URL and/or what led to it: Gae Bolg Alternative is the noble phantasm of my favorite fate character. I was originally baka-dot-exe. That blog got flagged in 2019 so I made definitely-not-baka-dot-exe to post. definitely-not got flagged and hidden in 2020 lol, so I made this blog to be main art posting blog. Some time in 2021, baka-dot-exe got forcibly terminated so this became my main blog which was also terminated for a little bit (thankfully I recovered it). definitely-not-baka-dot-exe got unhidden soon after but I just use that blog as an archive to revisit art or refind artists that I love. And then I made dummy-dot-exe to be my art posting blog that would take the hit if I reposted something too nsft.

Favorite blogs: My mutuals :)

I tag anyone that wants to do this

[skylarcrossing]

   I'm gonna get really real here for a minute because I understand there's a level of privilege in the statement I made in my last reblogged post,  and it's new for me. 

CW: Homelessness, Abuse, Trauma

    I have spent the entirety of my adult life struggling to make ends meet.   First World Problems memes used to piss me off because I live in a first-world country, and had not once been able to even think about being in a position where experiencing this kind of issue was remotely possible.   My experience had taught me that living in my particular FWC was to avoid Healthcare,  fight to find any job at all (I ended up going into SW for more than 10 years) and to wonder every damn day if I was gonna find myself homeless again at the end of the week.

    To this day, my parents will not accept the role they played in this when my mother allowed my grandmother to control our family to the extent she did- she forced my Mom to send my sister away multiple times growing up or kick us all out,  regularly beat my sister and I then gaslit us about it, and later kicked me out regularly and lied to my Mom about it saying I had ran away.

   There was years of denial after that I was homeless as a teenager and continued to be homeless until I was almost in my 30's because I had some form of a roof over my head, but I had no address and often no phone, couch surfed at friends while attempting to finish high school, and then later bounced around from motel to motel for years.

    To top it off, I spent the majority of those years as an adult in relationships with people who treated me like garbage and had actually drug me back down to that point and worse-  There's a reason I will forever be against people who say that an age gap of 4+ years is no longer a problem when someone is in their 20s.  There is mountains of experiences that happen during that time that shape a person,  and my experience has been that when there is even that may of an age gap there will always be a predatory power imbalance in that relationship.

    It has taken decades for me to get to a point in my life where I can say some first World shit like "Yep, definitely getting another Switch because I don't want to delete my current island but I'm dying for another aesthetic."

    It has taken years of therapy to get to this point, to see my self-worth, and to not accept the types of relationships I accepted.  Years to get any sort of diagnosis for how my brain works and to find out that I can never get a full diagnosis because of the amount of trauma I experienced from a young age and through the entirety of my developmental years makes it hard to tell where the ADHD and Autism ends and the PTSD begins, as if those aren't generally intrinsically linked for so many people.  Years to attain any level of stability in any sense.

So yes, I understand the mountains of privilege in that statement- and I have fought and bled and nearly died to survive long enough that saying it was even possible. I understand that there are a million and one ways I could spend $300 that would help other people- but I am learning that it is okay to choose me, and this is huge progress that I would consider spending that kind of money on myself, ever.

I have the rest of my life to help other people who are in the shoes I left behind.

[kingsmedley]

I posted 3,633 times in 2022

That's 3,587 more posts than 2021!

2,268 posts created (62%)

1,365 posts reblogged (38%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@strawberry-barista

@limitlesspossibilities

@pureposer

@skater-brain

@shibuyacrossed

I tagged 3,628 of my posts in 2022

#to dust or to gold || ooc - 1,735 posts

#you are king || post-neo verse - 652 posts

#strawberry-barista - 376 posts

#i smile easily because it does me well || chatting - 366 posts

#i see things that others won't believe || normal kid verse - 258 posts

#let me see you show your fangs || asks - 206 posts

#i don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me || dash commentary - 153 posts

#took me to the sky || aesthetics & musings - 148 posts

#the giggle at a funeral || memes - 138 posts

#nothing more than an empty ghost || headcanons - 95 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i'm not going to push myself rn but i might respond later. for now please know that i see them and i appreciate them and i love you 💜💜💜

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

@strawberry-barista​

It had been a while, hadn’t it? Since he’d travelled like this, felt that thrill of a new world--excitement mixed with fear. Anticipation.

And that while had been almost comfortable. Settling into a routine. Going to school, exploring, starting to make friends, even if it was just two. Pretending things were permanent.

So now, looking around a familiar place he didn’t know, he wasn’t sure how to feel.

Besides, it was just... Shibuya. That was the case a lot of the time, but it was also just a tad disappointing. Sure, the differences were interesting sometimes, but he knew how many other, more exciting worlds there were, so being sent to one that resembled his own wasn’t optimal.

He’d done some poking around and found that this world didn’t seem to have any major deviations from his own, making it all the more boring, but he was curious about something, which was why he found himself down in the café on Cat Street.

30 notes - Posted September 2, 2022

#4

@pureposer​ [continued]

Joshua nods along. After all, that would have been his answer only a couple years ago.

“I completely understand,” he says. “Though, these ‘weird results’ you mentioned intrigue me. Tell me, are you disturbed by the thoughts humans have?”

36 notes - Posted June 6, 2022

#3

@skater-brain​

Wildkat was empty. It wasn’t an unusual sight, especially after the three-year-long hiatus, but it was nonetheless a disappointing one.

Joshua made himself a cup of coffee. He tapped his fingers against the table as he waited for the mug to fill, watching it with dull eyes. When it was done, he took a sip, considered pouring the rest down the drain, decided against it, and took his usual seat at the counter.

Behind him, the door swung open. He must have forgotten to lock it.

Lazily, he spun around in his seat, and by the time the visitor came into view, his usual smug smile was sat secure on his face.

“Hello, Daisukenojo Bito,” he said. “Fancy seeing you here.”

54 notes - Posted March 31, 2022

#2

@strawberry-barista​

Joshua stood outside Wildkat for a good few minutes, just gathering his composure enough that he wouldn’t fall apart the moment he opened his mouth.

He didn’t know why he was here. If Mr. H caught on that something was amiss, he’d likely press the issue like he did last time, and Joshua... didn’t want to open up about this. Right? So maybe it was just that he had no way of contacting Neku on his own, their current arrangement dependent on Neku taking the initiative, and this was the only other place he could think of to go when he so desperately needed to get out of the house.

Taking a deep breath, he put on his usual smile and entered the café.

“Hi, Mr. H,” he called cheerfully as he approached the counter. “Remember me?”

60 notes - Posted March 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

@strawberry-barista​ [continued]

“Aw, come on. You like gambling but you don’t like games?”

101 notes - Posted February 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[sankta-alina-s]

I posted 1,362 times in 2022

That's 197 more posts than 2021!

251 posts created (18%)

1,111 posts reblogged (82%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@summonshadcw

@darklinaserver

@rphelperblog

@leneemusing

@vvilla1n

I tagged 958 of my posts in 2022

Only 30% of my posts had no tags

#r: like calls to like - 341 posts

#tag: meme your heart out - 148 posts

#summonshadcw - 116 posts

#tag: ooc - 100 posts

#verse: the grand duchess and the general - 79 posts

#verse: rulers of ravka - 79 posts

#verse: gift of three - 60 posts

#an-endless-saga - 56 posts

#vvilla1n - 39 posts

#muse: alina starkov - 38 posts

Longest Tag: 91 characters

#rulers of ravka verse? because i adore them and the divergence we made from siege and storm

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

@summonshadcw

Ten minutes.

Ever since Alina first began practicing under Aleksander Morozova she’d been diligent with arriving early and prepared to begin. Now she was pushing ten minutes late and perhaps even longer if people didn’t move.

The Os Alta foot traffic seemed to be more compact than usual that afternoon. Alina weaved in and out of people without care as she all but sprinted into the studio.

“I’m sorry,” were the first words past her lips upon arriving.

“The C train was delayed and I thought it’d be quicker on foot.”

Honestly an Uber would’ve served her better, but it was too late for that. “I only meant to meet with Mal for an hour, but it’s just been so long since we’ve seen each other I lost track of time-“

Alina unwound the red scarf from her neck before unbuttoning her coat.

“- and before I knew it we’d been sitting in the cafe for two hours.”

Out of breath, she looked toward Aleksander with delayed sheepishness.

“It won’t happen again.”

Could he truly fault her? At only twenty-one she was a member of the renowned Os Alta Royal Opera. The company was by no means an easy one to join, and sopranos were a dime a dozen. Every day she thanked the Saints, fate, or the universe itself for allowing her a spot in the chorus. It was rare that she had time for enjoyable social events among her friends not in the opera world.

10 notes - Posted April 27, 2022

#4

(continued from here) @summonshadcw

There had only been two attempts made upon her during their forty year reign.  The first was five years after her coronation, made by a man who’d claimed to see visions of Sankta Magda in which he was urged to free ‘Sankta Alina’.  The man had supposed death among the Saints was preferable to a life at the side of the Black Tsar, and shot at her while she was mingling with her subjects in Os Alta.  The event hadn’t sunk in until later that evening when Alina found herself shaking like a leaf in the bath.  

The second was earlier that day while on her way back from opening a new school outside the city limits.  Alina found it odd to think that people would want her present at such a thing; she’d lived years as the ‘Sun Saint’ and still found the idea that she was anything special ridiculous.  Yet such duties befell the Queen of Ravka, duties that had often be ignored by the previous Lantsov queen.  The Grisha and oprichniki that accompanied her stopped in order to fix the axle of one of the carriages when a man appeared at the edge of the forest that bordered the road.  The bullet hadn’t gotten anywhere near her as one of the Heartrenders incapacitated the assassin, yet the mere experience left her rattled.  She hadn’t been told much about the man’s motives upon his arrest, yet it appeared that hatred of her kind was among his thoughts.

Alina rubbed at her temples with her hand, the other holding a half filled glass of kvas.  “Don’t tease me,” she warned Aleksander at his comment on the number of years. “Not now.”

She set aside the glass when he neared her, preferring to bring her knees to her chest in order to wrap her arms around her legs.  Curled up in her nightdress before the fire, she certainly looked more like the former Orphan of Kermazin than she did Tsaritsa of Ravka.

“Because I know why you do what you do,” she responded cryptically.  “Not all of it, mind you, but most of it.”  Her arms tightened near painfully around her legs. 

“That man hates me, hates us, and I hadn’t even seen his face before today.”

Her expression darkened as her gaze drifted toward the fire in the grate.  “Now I hate him.”

Alina had pled for mercy for the first assassin, knowing that he couldn’t have been in his right mind.  But this man?  This man would receive no such intervention from her.

12 notes - Posted March 21, 2022

#3

@summonshadcw

The ballroom was too stuffy, the bodice of her new gown too stiff, and the weight of the night’s expectations too heavy. Alina’s first Season wasn’t the nightmare she expected it to be, but neither was it pure bliss. It seemed that the Duchess Keramsov, the frivolous wife of her equally frivolous guardian, was enjoying the Season more than the young debutante. The last Alina saw her the woman was rosy cheeked from drink and gossiping with a crowd of biddies. The duchess did not need to put up with the curious glances and evaluating looks made by members of the ton; an unwed foreign heiress was something of interest.

Alina raised her glass of champagne to her lips, catching sight of the dance card attached to her wrist. The last gentleman she danced with remarked upon her charming accent and grasp of her new country’s language. The comments had sounded more patronizing than appreciative, leaving her with a longing to retreat to the familiar.

The young woman made to set down her empty glass on a table when her arm brushed that of another.

“Pardon me, sir,” she said, eyes raising to meet the stranger’s.

14 notes - Posted April 2, 2022

#2

@vvilla1n

Alina never wished to see another train or carriage for as long as she lived.  Her journey began in Keramzin, where she took a hired stagecoach from the orphanage of her childhood to a train station.  A trip across the country brought her nearly to her new home.  Yet another stagecoach carried her to the town where she was to meet her intended husband.  Alina wished to simply stand on solid ground for a few moments to appreciate the stillness.

Crammed in the stagecoach, stuck next to a loud-mouthed matron who had not stopped talking since they left the train station, Alina tried her best to keep her cool.  She all but flew out of the coach when it came to a stop in town, eager to get out of the confinement of vehicle. One of the drivers alighted from the front bench in order to remove Alina’s trunk from atop the coach.  What little she owned was contained within, as well as the linens and meager items she could claim as a dowry.  She didn’t come from much, and had made that plain to her intended.

Few options were given to her upon aging out of the orphanage.  It had been an act of charity by Ana Kuya and the Duke to allow her to stay till the ripe old age of 21, even if she did work at the establishment to earn her keep.   With Mal having gone into the army, answering an ad for a wife from a man living on the frontier hadn’t been the craziest of ideas.Alina stood under the wooden overhang of the stagecoach depot, shielded from the strong sun as she awaited the arrival of Aleksander Morozova.  She’d included a sketch of herself in one of her letters to him, knowing she hadn’t the money for a daguerreotype.  His description of himself was what she used as she nervously scanned the passerby.

20 notes - Posted May 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Netflix, are you alright?

32 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

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