#i love. cassandra. i love fictional divinities.

[writersstareoutwindows]

but a high school party is the perfect place to announce a goddess of mystery and doubt! who needs doubt as a comfort more than goddamn high schoolers who are told every day that they need to figure out who they are and fast, because the future is coming, and it won't wait, and you'll get left behind if you don't already know what you want. Cassandra goddess of mystery should absolutely be the patron of teenagers, the one who tells them it's okay not to know! it's okay to be figuring it out! you have time! you are a mystery infinitely unravelling and what violence it would be to force yourself into a little box before you're even ready!

[vigilskeep]

do you ever get the impression that cassandra had a bigger role in the game(s) but due to retcons and a cut dlc she was reduced to a seeker who likes romance novels? she showed up in kirkwall with a number of subordinates, clearly had authority and was someone important, but in inquisition she is just a companion who is also "right hand of the divine," whatever that means. i really feel like she was intended to be a more major character, probably an antagonist, but isn't.

i don’t think cassandra was ever intended to be an antagonist, except in the way she performs that role at the start of the framing device in da2. we’re supposed to identify with cassandra in da2 as she is slowly won over by the romance of hawke’s story. that’s not a character we’re intended to fear later. she also shows up at the end with beloved good-aligned companion leliana, which despite leliana’s behaviour during seb’s personal quest, would still feel like a baffling choice for an antagonist setup. the interrogation ends with both varric and cassandra wishing each other the maker’s protection during these grim times. we’re meant to feel like there’s a real problem cass is trying to deal with and needs help for

you’re right that the cut exalted march dlc is worth mentioning. it’s hard to say how which way that would have turned the narrative, but it seems hard to believe we’d end up with the divine’s death and the ensuing inquisition portrayed as they are now. cass wasn’t already canonised as a hand of the divine back then, was she? i don’t know if she would have been involved, especially as da2 specifically sets her up for the inquisition

but i think there’s a much simpler way to explain cassandra’s diminished character in dai: she suffers under the curse of the Gaider Woman

david gaider’s dao prequel novel, the stolen throne, introduces us to the textbook Gaider Woman. this is rowan guerrin, maric’s warrior fiancée, who you won’t remember from dao because after having cailan, she died of Dead Mother Disease. it’s a tough life out there in fiction. anyway, rowan is a warrior fighting for her country’s freedom, who immediately gets pulled into an absurd love square, struggles with her feminine side including putting on a dress to try to win her man over, and at the end of the novel, coming to the conclusion that her purpose is to provide a soft comfort to her king when the world becomes too much: “perhaps this was what queens did. perhaps they held their kings in the darkness, deep within their castles and allowed them that moment of weakness they could never show to anyone else. perhaps they gave strength to their kings, because everyone else only took it from them.” (she arrives at this directly after he murders his other girlfriend and she has to comfort him about it. yes, that’s as insane as it sounds. don’t read the stolen throne.)

anyway, the author of this book is the man who wrote cassandra, a fact which i guessed before i even looked it up. why is her violence never taken seriously as a threat or problem? why must she have a softer, more feminine side? why must the narrative constantly congratulate itself for giving you a Strong Woman? because the way cassandra is written is simply how david gaider feels about women. she’s a cookie cutter example of how he writes them, rowan’s far from the only other one

i think plain old misogyny is far closer at hand than retcons in creating the cassandra we ended up with. and also the changes in how dragon age wants to deal with the chantry, which is separated from the templars and not a credible threat in itself but a handful of bickering old women who cannot do anything effectively (You’ll Never Guess What Gender It’s Run By And What Gender The Templars Are)

[lady-inkyrius]

Just finished reading The Pattern Scars by Caitlin Sweet and god, fuck, this is going to be in my head for quite a while. This book is tragedy and catharsis incarnate; I spent the last few chapters in tears; it's visceral and beautiful and horrible and everything in between.

I can see this tortured reverse Cassandra quickly becoming one of my favourite protagonists in any work of fiction, and the monstrous intimate abuser paired with her one of my favourite antagonists. I loved the portrayal of their twisted relationship. I loved the magic system's evolution from simple divination. I loved Nola's unsayable thoughts and her attempts at little acts of rebellion. I loved the framing device used, which I think just served to heighten my anguish at the book as I began to realise what would have to happen, as well as instill a “healthy” sense of impending doom in me.

If you can stomach very dark fiction I would very much recommend it – preferably with as few spoilers as possible, I might've even already said too much – it's available for free from the author as an ePub or PDF at the link above.

[muffinsin]

Well, my friend groups been mean to me as of late. They have been making fun of my appearance which is fair enough i’m not the prettiest person, loudly in public- people i dont even know have been laughing at their jokes. Ik i’m just being sensitive n its just a joke so i asked them to stop joking about it in public which led to them doing it more often as its funny when i go bright red. Theyve been saying to me that autism isnt even a thing n i’m just seeking attention, some of them anyway, the others like to do things that trigger me occasionally.

Anyway i started to stop hanging out with them the past few days slowly which started a chain of arguments. I told them i didnt want to be friends with people who have been using me for a but of a joke, they then said that we were never friends in the first place- i never got the hint and whenever they got bored theyd try n get reactions out of me bc it was hilarious to them- had another gc with everyone in it but me. Never invited out either. Called me delusional too, quite the shocker who would have thought, n proclaimed in public about my attachment to the dimitrescu sisters. I got called alot of names. Trigger warning- they told me to go slit my wrists n follow through with it.

So I’m currently thinking about the dimitrescu sisters to distract myself. Cassandra mostly- i speak to the posters i have of them n cuddle up against them which kind of helps ig. Like i said I’m delusional 😅

Ik this is just childish n i need to get a grip but i’m on the verge of having a bit of a breakdown.

-deluded anon

(TW, mention of bullying, harassment)

First of all, hon; your feelings are entirely valid.

And with (really no-) respect (-at all), fuck these people. They’re awful humans for treating you this way, especially so after disguising themselves as friends.

Regarding the things mentioned in the first paragraph. “Pretty” is immeasurable. Perception varies from each person. Just take a piece of art for an example. Surely not everybody is going to come to an agreement over a piece. Some might say it’s divine. Others have a different opinion on it. Try remembering that it’s not about being “the prettiest person”, because there is no such thing. Another example could be made of the Dimitrescu sisters, if that helps. Some argue Bela is the prettiest. Others argue Daniela is, and others argue Cassandra is. There is no right or wrong. Claiming “you aren’t the prettiest person” is simply one viewpoint🙌 aside from all this, it is absolutely wrong for people to target you because of your appearance, no matter what.

The next point is being “sensitive”. When you dislike something, especially someone’s joke, you are not being sensitive. Being made fun of is not pleasant nor right, and getting upset over it is perfectly valid.

I am proud to hear you’re trying to distance yourself from these so called “friends”. Despite not knowing them, they seem like a horrible and disrespectful bunch. Regarding being called “delusional”. I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing at all. Can it lead to bad situations? Sometimes. But the word itself is not an insult to me. It’s a character trait, hon, and it should not be used as an insult. I for one describe Daniela as very delusional on a regular basis, and still love and support that fictional woman with all my heart. Delusional is but a trait, but it doesn’t define a person.

Saying such things and treating you this way is horrible, I’m so sorry that happened to you hunny.

It’s great you’re able to find comfort like that! It’s very admirable in my eyes. Again, “delusional” isn’t necessarily bad. I have friends that talk to stuffed animals. I have friends who cuddle up to them and act as though they are Alcina. I have friends crying and talking as though Alcina or one of the sisters is there with them. If it comforts you, that’s what matters, hon🙌

And lastly, it is not childish at all. I do hope you will be able to rid yourself of such horrible people, and find loving and respectful friends! :)

[poetlcs]

2023 reading tracker

total: 75/52

sff

a sky beyond the storm - sabaa tahir

enclave - claire g. coleman

a criminal magic - lee kelly (dnf)

the shattered city - lisa maxwell

a feast for crows - george r.r martin

the ballad of songbirds and snakes - suzanne collins

chain of iron - cassandra clare

hell bent - leigh bardugo

chain of thorns - cassandra clare

the bronzed beasts - roshani chokshi

the drowning faith - r.f kuang

how high we go in the dark - sequoia nagamatsu

the jasmine throne - tasha suri

the hunger games - suzanne collins

catching fire - suzanne collins

mockingjay - suzanne collins

a far wilder magic - allison saft

translated

the transmigration of bodies - yuri herrera

portrait of an unknown lady - maria gainza

love in the big city - sang young park

my brilliant friend - elena ferrante

frankenstein in baghdad - ahmed saadawi

la bastarda - trifonia melibea obono

bolla - pajtim statovci

contemporary

you are eating an orange. you are naked - sheung-king

seeing other people - diana reid

the henna wars - adiba jaigirdar

you and me on vacation - emily henry

now that i see you - emma batchelor 

delilah green doesn’t care - ashley herring blake

becoming kirrali lewis - jane harrison

style - chelsea m. cameron

yellowface - rf kuang

the summer i turned pretty - jenny han

it’s not summer without you - jenny han

the charm offensive - alison cochrun

love & virtue - diana reid

the divines - ellie eaton

sincerely, carter - whitney g

crushing - genevieve novak

icebreaker - hannah grace

cleopatra & frankenstein - coco mellors

duck a l’orange for breakfast - karina may

happy place - emily henry

wildfire - hannah grace

i am not your perfect mexican daughter - erika l. sanchez

you don’t have a shot - racquel marie

mystery/thriller

final girls - riley sager

nine liars - maureen johnson

the box in the woods - maureen johnson

a good girls guide to murder - holly jackson

good girl, bad blood - holly jackson

queen of the tiles - hanna alkaf

as good as dead - holly jackson

kill joy - holly jackson

five survive - holly jackson

the dry - jane harper

non-fiction

mirror sydney - vanessa berry

in byrons wake: the turbulent lives of lord byron’s wife and daughter, annabella milbanke and ada lovelace - miranda seymour

the lavender scare: the cold war persecution of gays and lesbians in the federal government - david k. johnson

odd girl out: the hidden culture of aggression in girls - rachel simmons

dinosaurs rediscovered - michael j. benton

queer others in victorian gothic - ardel haefele-thomas

alone time: four cities, four seasons and the pleasures of solitude - stephanie rosenbloom

how to break up with fast fashion - lauren bravo

the white album - joan didion

the gene - siddhartha mukherjee

the new hite report: the revolutionary report on female sexuality - shere hite

my body - emily ratajkowski

historical fiction

the mountains sing - nguyen phan que mai

one for the master - dorothy johnson

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow - gabrielle zevin

the christie affair (dnf) - nina de gramont

classics

things fall apart - chinua achebe

northanger abbey - jane austen

jamaica inn - daphne du maurier 

[purplebass]

hiiiii do you have any book recommendations for people who love adsom?

(I’ve already read every thing by VE Schwab ahsjsjsksksk)

Hi! I can divide this into period books and contemporary books lol

If you want books set in a different century I would suggest

The Infernal Devices by Cassandra Clare (set in Victorian London)

Sword Catcher by Cassandra Clare (set in a fictional period)

Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross (set during WW1)

Stalking Jack the Ripper by Kerri Maniscalco (Victorian London)

Whereas books set in contemporary times

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

The Atlas Six by Olivie Blake

These are the ones that come to my mind right now :D

[cabeswaterdrowned]

2, 6, 15 and 40!

Favorite fantasy book(s). I mean I think a lot of those can be guessed from my blog. My favorite fantasy series is The Raven Cycle because formativeness that’s just what being on 2015 booklr does to you, some others are The Diviners series by Libba Bray, The Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy by Laini Taylor, The Grishaverse novels by Leigh Bardugo, The Infernal Devices by Cassandra Clare, The Gemma Doyle trilogy by Libba Bray, The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir, Monsters of Verity by Victoria Schwab, Bloodlines series by Richelle Mead, The Parasol Protecturate by Gail Carriger, Percy Jackson & The Olympians by Rick Riordan. And then for stand alone fantasy books all the Anna-Marie Mclemore books I’ve read Blanca & Roja + Wild Beauty especially but I also loved Dark and Deepest Red + When The Moon Was Ours, Deathless by Catherine M. Valente, Certain Dark Things by Silvia Moreno Garcia. There are definitely more just blanking. Realizing now that aside from TLT the series are all things I first read when I was somewhere between 5th and 11th grade �� I feel like more of my favorite books I’ve read for the first time since 2019 are stand alones which makes sense but going off of how worthy an investment TLT was I should get back to getting into new fantasy series. 6)Favorite romance novel(s). — I don’t read a lot of them… generally most impactful romances for me are located in other genres where romance isn’t the main thing, or it’s paranormal romance. So I had to go through my gr to find candidates and in 2018 I did read Dating Sara Cooper by Siera Maley which I remember thinking was adorable. Also it’s a gloomier book in some ways but I remember I really loved Amy & Roger’s Epic Detour by Morgan Matson, I’ve tried to read other books by the author since them and couldn’t get into them but this one holds a special place in my heart high school me thought it was very good. 15)Which genre(s) are your favorite?

             Don’t think it’s surprising I’ve always loved fantasy and it will always be my favorite I also love horror more in recent years, and I like suspense/mysteries a lot. I’ll read everything though. In terms of priority I’ll probably go fantasy and it’s subgenres > horror > suspense/thriller > classic lit > historical fiction> modern contemporary > sci fi (sci fi is lower  than it would have been in past years because I’ve been reaching for it less but I still like it) > anything else.  

40) Did you ever want to be a writer?

I do! Don’t feel like elaborating much but yeah I’d like to be someday 

[ladygoofball]

Inanna had to protect Dumuzi, this time. Even if She was the threat after conducting an assessment.

This was not a mistake she could make again. She was hardly a gamer but she was an artist. One that had burned herself down to the final ember before she extended a call for help. Intervention never felt Divine before. Inanna promised me that Dumuzi would help and she showed me that I don’t know the definition of the word Witness.

The ignition? Activated too much for her before. Perhaps she could save scum? Reload?

She wouldn’t dare put him at risk for Her. Not until she found her voice again.

I hate the way this man i’m living with uses me to tell me i am his “friend” but he does not love me anymore. I do not want to be here, but i needed to understand what I was losing

Reality is stranger than fiction.

She left her artwork in the world, in places where Dumuzi would know that the poetry that she has been capable of writing was all thanks to Him.

She has been running herself ragged to prove she has the skill to tell the story. All her artwork went unappreciated by the audiences she originally intended them for and she did not anticipate real people could actually see her anymore.

She doesn’t care if just anyone claims the pieces she leaves in the world.

Since she has been reliving the story in her mind’s eye, she has forsaken hours of her own life and she wants to prove they were not a waste.

I don’t care if I sound crazy to everyone in my life! I only needed one person to see that I could do it. You did? Impossible? Cassandra?

A lost artist can find expressionism? Again? With characters? With friends? All of these things were not possible before 3 weeks ago.

She didn’t know. She needed to release her ghosts. So how did the necromancer romancer figure that out? All of the fragments she left in the void? Impossible!! The very idea of them all made her annoyed.

The only one she needed to give to Him personally? The one she made for her own altar this time 2 years ago. She was no role player. The exchange costs nothing, because Dumuzi has already given her enough to work with. She does have some travel photography that she will post wherever whenever. /genuine

All of it pales in comparison to the promises that have been demonstrated so far. All the resources she has gained since October of last year using a system that she literally manifested from her last employer.

Everything about this has been serendipity and it has made this Diviner stop considering Fate as a player in her cards.

She submits the first piece of evidence for the public record. Inanna does not care if everyone thinks she is insane for once? She is being encouraged to be her full self? Not a fragment for a show?

Woe.

It begot her? She forgot Her?

[televinita]

2023 Goodreads Choice Award Winners - Reactions

Opinion time! Long, loud opinion time.

FICTION - Yellowface: wow! I figured this was a strong contender but I did not expect it to stomp 2nd-place finisher (Hello Beautiful) by a margin of nearly 4 to 1. I guess it had more time to gain traction? Happy my pick (aka the only one I might actually read) The Wishing Game got 3rd at least.

HISTORICAL FICTION - Weyward: doesn't look like my cup of tea but not bad. At least it's a cool cover. I wasn't super invested in the outcome of this race. My pick (the one actually on my TBR before the first round, The Echo of Old Books) only got 6th but oh well.

MYSTERY/THRILLER - The Housemaid's Secret: honestly that surprises me, I knew she was popular but I thought it would go to Lisa Jewell or Riley Sager. (who did take 2nd, by not a huge loss, and 3rd, respectively)

(I loooove Kate Morton but I only voted for her book in round 1 to get it contending; I still think she was misplaced in this category. My 2nd round vote went to Sager on a hunch...but I'm fine with the winner. It seems a bit generic for my tastes but not bad at all.)

ROMANCE - Happy Place: SWEET BABY JESUS THANK ALL THE ANGELS ABOVE that Emily Henry's massive fanbase is in fact strong enough to crush Ali Hazelwood, 'cause nobody else is. I ultimately picked the Jimenez book for my vote because between her and Henry's book that one sounds sliiightly more my taste, and I'm relieved that wasn't wasted.

I don't like how how up my sworn nemesis Curtis Sittenfeld's book still landed, nor some of the trashier titles (they have shirtless-man covers in their true form I just know it); I was hoping The Seven Year Slip would do better because it was both well received and seems more in line with the women's-fiction kind of romance I like, though this particular title didn't thrill me. Still: the evil has been defeated! (she said, forgetting there were two categories to clear)

ROMANTASY - Fourth Wing: lmaooooooooooo we all knew this was going to win but TEN TWELVE TIMES more votes than the 2nd place finisher?? Twelve?? Almost 400k in total; I don't think any book has ever had that many votes put toward it in the history of the awards. And since 2nd place was not-particularly-romantasy-like Assistant to the Villain, I have to assume everyone was desperately trying to conscientiously object to either that book's inevitable win or the category in general.

FANTASY - Hell Bent: gdi I specifically did not want that to happen. By a comfortable margin, too, ugh. What little I've heard about Ninth House sounds gross and this cover is also gross. I don't wanna look at it. Emily Wilde 4 lyfe. (4th place)

SCIENCE FICTION - In The Lives of Puppets: *shrug* not surprised, TJ Klune feels a bit inescapable. But ultimately I did not have a horse in this race.

HORROR - Holly, by Stephen King: oh, good for him. He has not actually won every time he's been up for it, and this one sounded decent. (I abstained from voting in this category too, because for all that I love scary books I've not read any of these and don't feel particularly called to)

YA FANTASY - Divine Rivals: oh, okay, so that one is the heavy-hitter, nearly double the 2nd place pick (whatever stephanie garber book is up this year) I picked A Study in Drowning, just because I can't in good conscience choose enemies to lovers, but the important thing is we kept Cassandra effing Clare away from the crown.

*holding my breath as I wait for the next category, the one I'm most invested in after romance, to load...*

YOUNG ADULT - Check & Mate:

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My scream shattered the rafters. When I first saw Ali Hazelwood's name in there I thought, okay, YA, perhaps she has toned down her garbage enough to be readable? but then I looked at the reviews and I am very much not confident that this actually reads like YA. If it does, I suspect it might be the kind of YA that Teen Me hated and Adult Me still doesn't love.

Anyway. The point is I specifically voted for The Brothers Hawthorne to avoid this, but while that did take 2nd place, even that powerhouse series failed to dominate (though only by 3k! closest race so far i think) over this woman who is now officially my sworn enemy. Colleen who? I have never held half the animosity toward that woman like what has been growing in my heart for Hazelwood.

DEBUT NOVEL - Weyward: well I guess that makes sense. (I didn't vote in this one either...although I could have sworn that The Wishing Game was in this one too? because I thought I voted for it at least in round 1...oh n/m, I see. "Why are there only 19 books in this category? Following new information from an author that they had previously published under a pen name, one book was no longer eligible for this category and was removed."

NONFICTION - Poverty, By America: look, I'm just glad it's not the "I'm voting for this because it's funny" Butts book. But I voted for the Pacific Crest Trail one about missing hikers because a Goodreads friend gave it 5 stars and also it's the only one that interests me.

All right, time to see how much Britney Spears won the next category by...

MEMOIR & AUTOBIOGRAPHY - The Woman in Me: but not quite by double! I honestly did not think Prince Harold had that many fans. (I love calling him Prince Harold (The Ridiculous) don't take this from me) Really surprised that Pageboy got 3rd; pure diversity rep vote? Thought those who actually read it agreed it was disjointed and poorly structured. Anyway. I can't really talk because I voted for Paris (Minka Kelly first, hoping to get her to round 2, but then Paris Hilton because I genuinely did enjoy that one more than i expected)

Up next is history/biography. Did the dad book win?

HISTORY & BIOGRAPHY - The Wager: A Tale of Shipwreck, Mutiny and Murder: the dad book wins! (I did vote for it. I'm sorry. I thought the Astor book actually sounded cooler but I just dislike Anderson Cooper so much)

And finally...god I hope it's Henry Winkler. I'm sure it's gonna be Leslie F*** Jones because people think swearing is funny, but I specifically refused her a vote because of it (and no other reasons) so I really hope I'm wrong.

HUMOR - Being Henry: The Fonz...and Beyond: HENRY WINKLER WINS!!!!!!! That's all I wanted, because this category looked baaaaad. I still think he should have been in the regular memoir section but I'll take it.

[requisition-officer]

I really really love this analysis. Thank you for being spot on about Anders, Fenris, Sera and Blackwall especially lol. I wanted to like Blackwall and he is so, so dull. Many Inquisition companions in fiction hinge on adding nuance that is lacking in the game.

I actually am one of the few that really likes vivienne; for her potential rather than her reality. Her quest is meaningless which was really strange to me playing it - not because the home remedy of a snowy wyverns heart didn’t work but because it didn’t change her at all - didn’t soften her nor change her influence in The Game. It would have been so much more interesting for her to lose her influence and position when she lost her place as bastiens mistress. I think there’s so much potential (good or bad) to be gained from vivienne becoming one of the unwashed masses and having to rely on the Inquisition for her standard of life. It’s also strange to me they threw her in the ring as divine. For Cassandra and Leliana (hands of the former divine) it makes sense. For vivienne it feels very out of left field more like a crowning achievement she wasn’t even striving for? Finally, being friends with vivienne also got you nothing. It would be more interesting if she could open avenues and influence game endings with her authority but even that was moot. Overall, the twelve companions were written pretty much half good and half bad, which to me feels like a split among who made them. Makes me interested which ones were Patrick Weeks and which ones were others…

Inquisition Companions, good, bad, ugly

So over the years, I've seen a lot of dislike aimed at Inquisition's companions(Two in particular more than the rest), and doing a deep delve into all of them, a lot of the bigger issues with pretty much all of them are related to the direction the game chose to take.

Namely the thing that is pretty much ubiquitous with all of them is that unlike DAO characters where characters could, and did change, DAI's characters are far more in the style of DA2's characters, in that they are very static individuals.

That's not to say that there is no change at all to each of the companions over the game, but it's the exception, rather than the default.

The big, big thing that differentiates DAI to DA2 however, is the difference between Hawke and the Herald.

DA2's characters were for the most part just as unchanging as DAI's lot... But it was nowhere near as big and issue, because Hawke was a much, much more forceful personality, whereas the Inquisitor is a far more laid back individual, who even if they have the knowledge necessary to make arguments, isn't really all that inclined to actually make the kinds of arguments that Hawke would, and could.

However, it goes deeper than that, because DA2 also has one massive edge that DAI does not in regards to the companions. An actual series of Climaxes.

DA2 has two just as divise characters as any DAI ever had, in the form of Anders and Fenris... But you don't tend to hear that much about it anymore, because they have been overshadowed by DAI's far more divise cast... But also because if you really, really hate both of their guts... You actually get to see that through to the finish line at the end of DA2 and stick a dagger in Anders back for mass murder, and/or your preferred weapon of choice in Fenris guts when he comes to help the Templars attack the gallows.

Now this is actuqlly the case with most of the companions in DA2 and DAO. If you really, really hate one, chances are you have an option to kill them at some point. I'm just highlighting these two base breakers to illustrate a point.

NONE of your companions in DAI follows this mold... Except for one, and it's not one of the game's more hated characters.

There are few thematic, or cathartic end points for most of the companions, few moments where you can hit a point where you just tell them to fuck off and destroy them the way you could in previous games.

And without that possible sense of Catharsis, you never get any sense of closure, even if you hate the characters with every fiber of your being.

Cassandra Penthagast

Cassandra is an interesting case in that she actually does develop a lot over the game.

Cassandra is not at heart a bad person, she has plenty of flaws, and convictions she can be forced to challenge, with various degrees of success, but the ultimate thesis of her character is that she is not a leader, and she has to accept that.

Through the game you have the option of determining whether or not Cassandra reforms the Seekers of Truth, despite it all, or whether you aid her in letting go, and moving on, the latter of which seems the better option, for the reasons i'll cover next.

The worst ending for Cassandra is if you make her the next divine, where she frankly has no idea how to fix things, and so where Vivienne coldly but calculatly reinstates the circles and lays the groundwork for things going right back to the ways they were, leliana forges ahead with the reformation wheter with a cyncial heart or a cheerful one, Cassandra does not see where she needs to change the Chantry and where to keep it the way it was.

In other words, it's clear that despite good intentions, Cassandra is not up for reforming the seekers of truth... But going down that road does not utterly destroy the Inquisitor's relationship with her, and that is probably one of the better character development bits of the game.

Now the truly bad parts of cassandra, and the ones you cannot change or challenge at all, is her prejudices regarding the Elvhen pantheon or culture.

Now this is obviously far more pronounced if youre an elf, and especially if you romance her.

Now as we'll see, pretty much every, single companion has one of these(or in the case of two, a bucketload) of points where you are completely incapable of challenging or changing their views on things. Sometimes handled well, other times not.

Varric Tethras

Now Varric is as usual, perfect. He is the overall best companion to have in almost every, single situation, and his wits never fail him.

No, pretty much the only part of his interactions where i would say the game fails him, is his obligatory spot where you don't get to challenge him, and the game seemingly doesn't realize that a player might object to what's on screen, and that's the relationship he has with Bianca, his sorta Ex-Girlfriend who strings him along, even now two decades later.

Now Bianca is not a well liked character for a lot of reasons(The infuriation of any Hawke x Varric shipper for being the in universe reason not letting it happen, her being extremely unlikable, talking about things she doesnt understand, etc.), but i dont wanna focus on those here.

No the problem here is that there is no choice to point out just how toxic Bianca is, and/or try to help varric move on from her, as a friend, a love interest, or a shipper of Hawke x Varric.

You are instead forced to watch your bestie Varric Tethras keep going in a very clearly unhealthy and borderline abusive relationship without being able to do anything about it.

Solas

Like Varric and Cassandra, Solas is also one of the Game's best written characters, but unlike everyone else, it's because you actually do get to challenge him on pretty much everything he believes, culminating with a decisive point in your relationship where you get to punch him in the face... Or you can be his friend, his bestie, and he will still choose the worst possible route forwards.

Solas is a character with very, very strong beliefs, and regardless of what road you take with him you cannot change those... But unlike everyone else, this is a strength of the narrative, because the Game very clearly understands this fact, and uses it to tell a story.

If you befriend Solas, and respect his opinion on you, what you get is a tragedy, of a man with flaws and good points who despite it all was not able to overcome his issues and flaws... and if you oppose his views on every point, tells him to get bent, and ends up punching him in the face, you get the same option of catharsis that you get with Anders and Fenris(Even if it doesnt have the same kind of permanent joy of those).

Moving on from well written elf, we have the opposite. DAI's least well written, and easily the least well liked companion Sera.

Sera is an incredibly immature, rebel teenager, who thinks she has all the answers when she really doesn't know jack shit.

That's not the bad part by the way, that could have made for a great character actually... no the problem is that the game does not confront any of these flaws the way you could with previous companions.

Sera is just as intolerant, bigoted, and self-righteous as Solas, Fenris and Anders ever was... But unlike with Solas, the game does not recognize this as a flaw in her as a person.

Both of these two have genuine virtues and flaws... But the problem that ultimately doomed Sera into becoming the most hated companion is that the game does not recognize, or give you the option of confronting her on her shitty, shitty behavior in any mature fashion.

Rather it's just treated as a part of her quirky personality that you have to accept to deal with her.

I would also argue that Sera has the single least impressive endings out of everyone of your companions.

If you hate her beyond words, you have the option of kicking her out of the Inquisition at any time... But it doesn't have any sort of Catharsis behind it, and rather just comes across like the Inquisitor has just had enough of her bullshit, and tells her to leave after one too many pranks.

There was a way to do this right, and this ain't it.

On the opposite ending, in trespasser, Sera does finally give up on her hatred against the Elves, but not because of any character growth. Instead, she, like many other young firebrands burned herself out on hating the targets of her ire... But she has not had any character growth as a result, not any moments where she recognizes, "maybe I've been a douce..." instead her attitude is basically "My hatred was justified, but eh, it wasn't worth it." Which in it's own way just makes her look even worse.

Dorian Pavus

Dorian is also one of the better written DAI companions, and like Cassandra and Varric, his biggest issue, is that there are parts of him that the Inquisitor is not allowed to challenge, which can really leave a bad taste in one's mouth.

Pavus, like Sera is a young, anti-establishment rebel, the main difference being that Dorian's target of ire generally tends to deserve their hatred, and unlike Sera he has put a lot of deep, deep thoughts into it... And probably most important of all, despite everything, Dorian truly, genuinely loves his homeland.

The scene after getting to skyholdz where Dorian lays out his feelings after learning that Cory is a Tevinter magister is probably the best bit of writing he has in the entire game, as he is forced to confront that the single worst crime in human history, which everyone else takes for granted was committed by one of his countrymen, happened mostly as the chantry said it did.

"Because the imperium... Is my home."

Dorian's entire arc is summed up by that line. For all his justified anger and hatred of everything the Tevinter Imperium stands for, Dorian loves his homeland. He is just as much a patriot as any of the Venatori you fight in the game. It's just that his vision of where the Imperium has to go is fundamentally different than theirs.

He is essentially what Varric would have been, if he was in Bhelen's position.

The man who sees the flaws, the cracks and most importantly, that there is a way forward that isn't just capitulation to tradition, when tradition got them into this mess to begin with.

...which is why the thing you're not allowed to truly call him out on is so baffling.

Because the thing you are not allowed to critique in any noteworthy way is his opinion on slavery.

And the funny thing is... His initial stance on slavery is written, really, really well. He thinks on slavery exactly the way a man raised in a slave society would, even if in most other regards he is a good man. There is a lot of people in modern day that wants to demonize every, single person who lived in a slave society unless they were 100% abolitionists, but the reality is generally far, far less simple. Because there were plenty of people like Dorian. Good people in most regards, who nonetheless didn't see a problem with slavery because their society ran on it.

It is a very obvious flaw of his, and the writing for it is good... You know what is not good? The way the Inquisitor tries to challenge his views.

When challenged, Dorian points out that the south has alienages instead of slavery, that is just as oppressive and full of abuse, which is actually a good point... The problem is that you are not then allowed to point out the obvious, namely that any mage society with slaves, would have every single incentive to use blood magic in the worst ways possible, and so the root of everything wrong with his homeland comes back to slavery in the end.

Neither are you allowed to point out the constant and frequent slave raids and underground enslavement across all of Non Tevinter mainland Thedas... Which is only a thing because of Tevinter's slave market.

As such, what could have been another aspect of Dorian that added to his character, instead is far and away the most infuriating of all of these character aspects you are not allowed to challenge or critique... Because the game was so, so close to making him a perfect character... And then fumbled it by not allowing you to force him to grow at all on the subject.

Thom Rainier

Blackwall is an interesting character... In how you can have a decent concept, competent execution, good pacing, and still produce a very, very boring result.

There is nothing inherintly wrong with Blackwall, but there is nothing that interesting about him either. The man has no charisma, and though he lacks any of the big points where you're not allowed to challenge him on like most of the cast has, he lacks any of rhe more interesting aspects like varric, cassandra, solas, and so on has.

Sera and Vivienne might be far less likeable, but at least they have interesting things to consider how their writing went wrong. By contrast Blackwall is competently written and executed... but that does not make him interesting.

The Iron Bull

Iron Bull is basically the opposite of Blackwall, in that he is an incredibly uninspired concept, but because of his execution, he works.

He is the upfront double/triple agent, the washed up loser who realized how shitty his side was, and so ends up defecting.

On paper that's something that's been done a thousand times and does not sound interesting at all, but as Blackwall proves, the execution is the key to success.

Bull's story of how he genuinely believes in the Qun despite having effectively left it, and how despite his integration with the Inquisitor and the rest of the cast, at the end of the day, even if you romance him, the thing that genuinely, truly matters to Bull, his soul, is his mercenary company, not you, not the Inquisition, not the Qun, is far, far more engaging than it has any right to be for being such a simple premise.

He's also an excepection to the rule about not having a satisfactionary bad ending, because if you truly, genuinely did hate him, and sacrificed his men, he WILL turn on you, just like Fenris, and will have the same ending as the Tevinter Elf.

Vivienne

Vivienne is the second most disliked Character in DAI, and just like Sera it comes down to bad writing, and how the game does not allow you to push all the way to really make a character work.

Vivenne is an interesting concept in that she, just like the original game's ice witch is a flat out evil character in a party of generally more good-hearted if flawed individuals.

The game is very, very upfront with the fact that she is a competent, charismatic, ambitious, ruthless individual, who wants to recreate a system where she and those like her would succeed... But anyone of mediocre or average talents would be crushed, and freedom will be ground beneath templar boots again.

That's an interesting concept, and frankly I would applaud them for NOT letting you soften her, the way the original game did with a Morrigan who was befriended/romanced.

The problem here, is the fact you are not allowed to take this to the finish line.

Unlike so many of Origins and DA2's companions, who would have some sort of climax where if you went against them completely, you would be forced to have to end up fighting them as the final point to their character, Vivenne has NO climax in any way.

And no character in the entire game, is hurt more by a lack of a climax than Vivienne.

To compare her to Morrigan, the original witch was not someone who could be killed, but she had a thematic climax, where if you wanted to, you could repay her for the fact she was just using you, by denying her the ultimate price, the only thing she wanted, and all her plans had been building towards by not doing the ritual.

And if that didn't suffice there was also the way you ended whatever relationship you had by stabbing her in witch hunt.

The problem with Vivienne, is that she has nothing like this. Regardless of what you do, even if you don't recruit her, she still wins in some way or another.

And if you hate her guts, that is a big, big problem.

The reason why Morrigan worked, was because you could make her go through substantial Character development to overcome her flaws. You cannot with vivienne. She starts the game off as a bitch who loves the Orlesian pastime "The Game" that is responsible for 99% of it's population being little better than livestock that can be beaten and raped at will, and she ends the game as a successful player of that game, who even if you do nothing with her at all, still emerges as a challenger to the College of enchanters, spitefully trying to tear down any alternative to the Circle.

If you disagree with Vivienne's point of view, there is absolutely nothing to be gained from recruiting her.

Her personal quest is probably the single biggest example of this. Wheter you give her the right heart or not, her lover dies, and she moves on, takes advantage of the situation, and comes out on top.

The way to fix this is pretty simple too. Have it actually matter.

There should have been an option for you to have leliana look into why the heart mattered for Vivienne(which an inquisitor really, really sjould have the power to) and make the choice to either comply, or deny her the advantage of a powerful noble ally.

Then, if you give her a false heart and the guy dies, when confronted about it, you should have been able to tell Vivienne to get bent, that you have watched her and judged her, and ultimately decided that her and her desire for a world that is run by "the game" has no place in the one you wish to build, and so you removed her biggest patreon and supporter, and you follow that up by kicking her out of the Inquisition.

That would have been a satisfactory climax for anyone who hated Vivienne's guts, and would have given even people who don't like her as a person a reason to recruit her... All while not changing her personality in the slightest.

Wheter you then have a life and death duel with her or not doesn't matter, because the Thematic climax has been reached, and you have had a satisfactary conclusion to her and the Inquisitor's relationship.

As it is, if you really don't like Vivienne, the only winning move, is not to play with her. Once you've recruited her, she will get to reap the benefits that she was part of the Inquisition for the rest of her life, and even if you don't show up to her meeting at all, she still makes the world a worse place by trying to tear down the College.

Cole

Like The Iron Bull, Cole is also a very simplistic character idea, but unlike Blackwall, he is very well executed.

The way his telepathy is used to give an insight into how the world works, and how characters are actually built up is one of the best parts of the entire game. Cole has the single most interesting party banter in the entire game, and as such is great to have around even if not that important to the plot.

The main problem with Cole is that after you make the choice of whether or not to make him human or backtrack towards being a spirit, you don't really get to see the aftermath other than trespasser, and even then, it's just in whether or not he has a relationship.

Other than that, he's pretty great though, and of the characters who might leave Skyhold, he's pretty much the only one who's exit is engaging as he calls you out on how despite your words, you don't want to help people, which is ehy he's leaving.

The fact that he's compassion in human form makes this ending way more fitting than, say, if Blackwall does the same thing.

[simp-city-sirens]

BatFam Reading Habits Headcanons

*I’ve been getting back into reading lately and it got me thinking about the bat families reading habits or tastes. These are just my headcanons - feel free to disagree or add on your own thoughts - I’d love to hear ‘em!*

Jason Todd reads the classics but not in a snobby way. I mean, we already know he reads Austen. He’s also into classic poetry in addition to the novels and he’s secretly really into annotating and analyzing such. On the flip side he is also a massive nerd who loves to read comics and manga as well (he’s more into shojou than shonen but he won’t tell anyone that)

Bruce Wayne on the other hand is into classics but in a decidedly much more snobby way (if it’s not a classic is it even worth his time). He has definitely read books such as Frankenstein, Crime and Punishment, the Iliad and the Odyssey, and The Divine Comedy. He’s into anything with really nihilistic tones and he almost certainly is one of those dads that reads history and political books. 

Dick Grayson reads whatever’s popular at the moment. He wants to stay current and it’s very “so this is what the kids are into these days?” energy. If the book is blowing up on tiktok you can be sure Dicky boy has or is reading it. He’s also a comics nerd and get’s into heated debates with Jason over them.

Barbara Gordon is a nonfiction girly for sure. As far as fiction goes, though, she’s giving me high-fantasy vibes. Don’t know why - but I’m convinced. She’s also definitely into true crime thriller’s, growing up as the police commissioner’s daughter and all and then later joining the bats and their detective vigilantism. It just came naturally.

Stephanie Brown is in it for the spice. She reads smutty books and nothing will convince me otherwise. Trashy romance is her thing - she’s in it for the drama - the twists - the turns. She definitely rants to the other bats about the books she’s reading a la “and then you wON’T BELIEVE what this bitch does next!!! She-”

Damian Wayne is into sci-fi and fantasy. He just is. After Jason has him read Austen, though, I think that he secretly really really enjoys romance novels way more than he thought. He would sooner die than admit this - but he definitely has a secret guilty pleasure stack of romance novels hidden away where no one can find them (spoiler alert: someone found them. Which bat family member was it though?)

Tim Drake is someone I struggled with a bit but I think he reads mostly true crime thrillers, though he gets bored with them easily as the plot twists are just SO predictable. If the book can blindsight him in a good way with it’s plot, though? That’s a winner. A truly god-tier book. Also manga. Definitely manga. Tim Drake is a fucking weeb.

Kate Kane gives off horror vibes. She definitely reads horror. She also is down to read anything sapphic. Is it outside her preferred genre but it’s sapphic? Give it to her. She is very critical - with good reasons - of the representation in said books, though, and she only keeps books of the highest gay quality.

Duke Thomas is one of the ones I struggled with the most (along with Cassandra) but I think that I’ve landed on the idea of him reading sci-fi. I couldn’t tell you why - but it feels right. He is also a MASSIVE nerd on the same scale as Jason and Tim who definitely reads comics and manga. He flips between being into the really mainstream popular shonen manga and really obscure shit no one (but Tim) has heard of.

Cassandra Cain I definitely struggled with the most out of anybody so feel free to jump in and add your headcanons. I feel like she would mostly read contemporary literature with very well written characters and social relationships and dynamics??? Why??? I’m not sure. I also like the idea that she likes to explore more of her culture - which correct me if I’m wrong but we don’t have any concrete canon information on but it’s heavily implied she’s Chinese - through reading Chinese literature.

[jasper-pagan-witch]

Books I Recommend For Beginners

I recommend these books for beginner witches (or even other magic users!) who don't know where to start and need a foundation built. These are my go-to recommendations, taken from my recommended reading page. But here, I hope to explain why I recommend these.

Every book here is by an author that is queer/queer-friendly, anti-appropriation, and explains things in a simple way that beginners shouldn't have trouble with. All opinions are my own, nobody gave me any money (but I wouldn't turn down a pizza night tbh) and my reviews are often scathing, so some of the high numbers here should speak for themselves.

If you'd like to see my recommendations for specific topics, send me an ask and I'll scrounge some up for ya!

Grovedaughter Witchery [2016] Bree NicGarran - @breelandwalker (Advice For Beginner Witches page and tag) and @/breenicgarran on Instagram Keywords: secular, practical, DIY and tutorial, spells, plants, candles 10/10 My review

Grovedaughter Witchery is one of my favorite books of all time, fiction and nonfiction alike. If someone came to me and asked for a book that explained fire safety, cursing safely, smoke cleansing without appropriating, solitary witchery and coven witchery, and consent in love magic, this is 100% the one I would give to them.

Kitchen Table Magic [2020] Melissa Cynova - @/melissacynova on Instagram Keywords: secular, broad, spells, divination 7/10

Kitchen Table Magic is one of those books that cleared the hot garbage threshold. It's kinda surface-level and tries to cover a lot in the first half, because the last half is chock full of spells and a guide to several kinds of divination: charm casting, bibliomancy (divination using books), pendulums, automatic writing, scrying and crystal balls, tarot, and bird divination.

The tarot section feels a little...basic, but that may be because I have Kitchen Table Tarot by the same author and I'm very familiar with tarot.

of witchcraft and whimsy [2017] Rose Orriculum - @orriculum (Witchcraft 101 masterpost) and @/orriculum on Instagram Keywords: secular, DIY and tutorial, practical, spells, food, candles 10/10 My review

I would give this book to someone who has never even heard of witchcraft before. It goes over mundane common sense needed for witchcraft (such as "not every divination reading is true" and fire safety), debunking common myths about witchcraft, and how to really get started. There's also information about spell work and making potions and tea spells - in fact, the number of spells in here is quite impressive considering how small the book is.

Every single spell is available freely on Orriculum's blog, so when you buy this book, you're really paying for the convenience of not having to shift through their 101 posts and their spells on their blog.

Queering Your Craft [2020] Cassandra Snow - @/tarotcassandra on Instagram Keywords: pseudo-Wiccan, broad, divination, spells, practical, DIY and tutorial 9/10

This is a thick book. While it's more Wiccan-based than the other ones, I feel like the content is worth enough otherwise to add onto this list. It covers almost everything that a beginner could wonder about, and it approaches it from a queer direction. The author is genderfluid and approaches magic from a queer activist angle, pushing for equality in all aspects of witchcraft and its spaces.

However, there are some problems with this book. It's definitely a pusher for the Wheel of the Year, which is...complicated in its history. The author also says that shadow work (which isn't even witchcraft, it's psychology) is necessary. Mx. Snow also cites poppets as coming from voodoo, hoodoo, or "folk magic" - poppets are from an English folk practice and have been adopted into voodoo and hoodoo because that's part how the practitioners were able to continue their religion, but... Look, I have a whole post in the works with sources discussing poppets and their history, just wait for that.

I also had a note in here about Florida Water and appropriation in this book, but I literally can't find where it was because Past Jasper didn't think to write down the page number it was on. Past Jasper is making things very hard for Current Jasper.

But besides these three (four?) problem spots, I still do recommend it. For a book covering a wide array of topics, it's thick enough that it's able to give most of these topics the attention and respect that they deserve.

[bistortion-29]

The reason why I enjoy hearing or reading about queer characters is that, it truly fascinates me. Not the whole 'how can they be gay thing' but the whole 'they are gay and they have a significant other.' Like these people didn't care. They loved another person truly and wholly without giving a single fuck. And despite the rules and norms of the society, they choose to love. I can never do that. I can never be that brave to risk everything else I have for just one person. They wrote letters, they allowed the world to know. And they didn't care.

Like the sonnets Shakespeare wrote for a mysterious young man. Like Oscar Wilde and Alfred Douglas. The letters between Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West. The letters between John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton. The letters between Emily Dickinson and Susan Gilbert.

I love the fictional characters as well. Who literally risk everything and overcome fears of their own to love. Alec was a shadow hunter and he fell in love with Magnus WHO WAS A WARLOCK and married him. Nico di Angelo who was born in the 1940s where being gay meant living on the streets fell in love with Will Solace. Henry was a freaking Prince, yet he wrote such pure, raw, unadulterated words for Alex. Jude went through so much in his life and yet he allowed Willem to love him. Ari and Dante lived during a time where being gay was fatal; Dante was attacked in the book and Ari's brother killed a prostitute after finding out that they were trans. Oliver came from a conservative family and still loved Elio. These couples would have had doubts and apprehensions but they still loved each other and didn't care.

Here are some iconic quotes;

"I must see you soon — you are the divine thing I want." And. "...it is a marvel that those red rose-leaf lips of yours should be made no less for the madness of music and song than for the madness of kissing. Your slim gilt soul walks between passion and poetry. I know Hyacinthus, whom Apollo loved so madly, was you in Greek days." Oscar Wilde to Alfred Douglas.

"You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent." Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens.

"I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia...you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it." Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf.

"Do I repine, is it all murmuring, or am I sad and lone, and cannot, cannot help it? Sometimes when I do feel so, I think it may be wrong, and that God��will punish me by taking you away; for he is very kind to let me write to you, and to give me your sweet letters, but my heart wants more." Emily Dickinson to Susan Gilbert.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Shakespeare.

"You could give me the past," he said a little sadly. "But Alec is my future." Magnus Bane, City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare.

"Nico, I've seen a lot of brave things. But what you just did? That was maybe the bravest." Jason Grace to Nico di Angelo, House of Hades by Rick Riordan.

"Should I tell you that when we're apart, your body comes back to me in dreams? That when I sleep, I see you, the dip of your waist, the freckle above your hip, and when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I've just been with you, the phantom touch of your hand on the back of my neck fresh and not imagined? That I can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache? That, for a few moments, I can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all?" Prince Henry of Wales to Alex Claremont-Diaz the First son, Red White & Royal Blue by Casey Mcquiston.

"You were treated horribly. You came out on the other end. You were always you.”

"And who are you?"

"I'm Willem Ragnarsson. And I will never let you go." Willem Ragnarsson to Jude St. Francis, A Little Life by Hanya Yanahigara.

"How could I have ever been ashamed of loving Dante Quintana?" Aristotle Mendoza in Aristotle and Dante discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sàenz.

"I could spend the rest of my life like this: with him, at night, in Rome, my eyes totally shut, one leg coiled around his. I thought of coming back here in the weeks or months to come—for this was our spot." Elio from Call me by your name by Andrè Aciman.

Of course there are many more real and fictional couples, feel free to comment some.

As I said, I know not whether it is the place that I live or my own upbringing. But I will maybe allow myself to silently feel but I would never have the courage to love like these people. Those who receive love are both weak and strong but those who love are stronger than anyone else.

- midnight rants.

[neptunalea]

hi everyone. i’m zarina, i’m 26, and i wanted to write up a little writeblr intro since i plan to start using this blog to talk about writing and my wips. writing is a huge part of my life & i think it’s time to just be honest and stop writing in secret over on my nearly anonymous side blog, haha. 

i received my MFA in creative writing with a concentration in fiction in 2019. i write across several genres--fantasy, science fiction, and realism. i also dabble in poetry and prose poetry. here is a list of my works in progress (this list won’t include novels/stories/other things i’ve finished): 

1. LOVELY, DARK AND DEEP--main WIP. intro is here. adult realism with YA crossover appeal, novel, two drafts completed. Seeking betas!! tag is #ldd. the title comes from the robert frost poem. dark academia. margot carmichael goes to her dead aunt’s alma mater to figure out what drove her to suicide in the year 2000, uncovering horrific crimes against the school’s student body. 

2. NOCTURNALIA--side chick. intro is here. magical realism prose poetry novella, 8.5k words into the first draft. #nocturnalia. V--. stays up all night to do drugs and sleeps all day. her dead boyfriend is haunting her, and her guardian angel wants to keep her alive. 

3. BRAND NEW GODS--adult science fiction novel, just a wee 4k words in. it’s the year 2099. bounty hunter orlando knox tries to hunt down a prophet called cassandra wyn and instead gets wrapped up in her techno-religion, only to find that their gods are lost souls who need saving.

4. HEAVEN BELONGS TO NO ONE--adult urban fantasy, 40k words into the first draft. this was my graduate-level thesis. (reviewed positively by emily st. john mandel! my crowning accomplishment!!!) iman and zach, a goddess and an angel reincarnated as humans, drink the liquefied flesh of apollo to become divine again and take over heaven. 

i’m really interested in following other people who write dark, contemporary fantasy, urban fantasy, and dark academia. bonus points if there are angels, gods, or demons involved. please like or reblog and i’ll check out your blog! 

lmk if you wanna be added to my general taglist/any specific wip taglists! (or if you want to be removed!!) 

[gallows-into-oblivion]

reactions to Adamant: character study

/conversations between various inquisitors of mine and their love interests/

Aslaan Adaar: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

Josephine: You did not lie, darling.

Aslaan: It feels like I did.

Josephine: Well, then, the lie has helped people.

Aslaan: Under false pretences.

Josephine: I -- I don't know what else to say.

Aslaan: I think... let's not talk. Just hold me, please.

~~~

Bre'olas Lavellan: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

Dorian: You never believed it in the first place, though.

Bre'olas: No.

Dorian: And the Divine did choose you.

Bre'olas: That’s what I'm uncomfortable with, I think.

Dorian: That a priestess of a religion that is not your own chose you to take on her mantle until her successor could be elected?

Bre'olas: ...Yes.

Dorian: You don't have to carry this weight on your own, you know. You retrieved my birthright. Let me do this with you.

Bre'olas: Okay. I don't know how to -- *gestures broadly*, but I will try.

~~~

Erik Cadash: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

The Iron Bull: A lot of things are lies.

Erik: Yeah?

Bull: You've never lied to me.

Erik: How do you know that?

Bull: I'm a spy.

Erik: Good point.

Bull: It's not your fault if people want to tell stories about you.

Erik: Shouldn't I try to correct the stories?

Bull: Sometimes fiction helps them more than the truth ever could.

~~~

Minan Lavellan: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

Solas: I know, vhenan.

Minan: What do you know? Me?

Solas: I--

Minan: I don't want to fight with you, but you make it really fucking difficult sometimes.

Solas: I was trying to help.

Minan: You need to listen more, then.

Solas: Ah.

Minan: I feel like a failure.

Solas: Do you think they believe that?

Minan: When do the lies end, Solas?

Solas:

Minan: I'm going to clear my head. Don't follow me.

~~~

Sylvia Trevelyan: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

Cullen:

Sylvia: Fuck, Cullen, say something.

Cullen: I don't feel lied to. I never have.

Sylvia: Your soldiers?

Cullen: They still trust you. They would still die for you.

Sylvia: I don't know how to make the guilt go away.

Cullen: It doesn't. You learn to live with it, eventually. Maker knows I deserve to feel guilty far more than you do.

Sylvia: Guilt doesn't care what we deserve.

Cullen: No. It doesn't.

Sylvia: I'm so tired.

Cullen: I'm here. No Inquisitor, no Herald, no Commander. Just you and me.

Sylvia: Just you and me.

~~~

Hecate Adaar: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

Blackwall:

Hecate: Yes, I know.

Blackwall: If you can forgive me for that, then forgive yourself for this.

Hecate: Don't try to reason with my feelings --

Blackwall: You didn't even do this. The people did. They gave you the title. All you did was let them believe. Is that such a crime?

Hecate: I suppose not.

Blackwall: Well, then.

~~~

Willa Cadash: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

Sera: You're just now realising this?

Willa: No, but... I'm just now having feelings about it.

Sera: Ah.

Willa: Why do you follow me, Sera?

Sera: Because you're you.

Willa: Supremely helpful. Thank you.

Sera: Ugh! Because you're good to people.

Willa: I am?

Sera: You are. It's sickening, sometimes.

Willa: I love you too.

~~~

Vasili Trevelyan: The Herald of Andraste was a lie.

Cassandra: That changes nothing.

Vasili: No?

Cassandra: You were with the Divine in her final moments. You have carried the Anchor for months. You have sealed the Breach. You have led the Inquisition. Let people believe Andraste chose you. It hurts no one.

Vasili: Are you sure?

Cassandra: Look at me.

Vasili:

Cassandra: I am a Seeker of Truth. Do you trust me?

Vasili: Yes. Always.

Cassandra: Then trust me in this.

Vasili: Okay.

[dgcatanisiri]

So... something kinda hit me abruptly and pushed me to feeling about ready to snap, so... Have a word vomit. Kinda feels like a greatest hits compilation of  my “another angry queer rant” tag, but I need to get it out, so...

I know I’ve been over plenty about how I don’t feel represented even when I have something with gay representation. How I’d give dozens of Dorians and Iron Bulls to get even one run of Inquisition that properly has my male Inquisitor romance Cullen. How when I look at Mass Effect - this franchise that I love - I can only see how much it hates me for being a gay man who dares to seek content for me. How godawful it is that Gil’s story, a story that is explicitly a story centered on a gay man and the difficulties he faces BECAUSE of being gay, was written by a straight person who ABSOLUTELY does not GET. IT. And how fandom as an entity sucks, because so often it feels like the attitude of the people in it comes across as telling me that my desire to be represented in my media somehow comes in second to celebrating the advances solely for women, that my needs as a queer MAN (the emphasis usually theirs) are less important, because I can still see myself AS A MAN in other characters throughout media.

But... That doesn’t change the fact that this is a very real, very tangible THING for me to grapple with. And sometimes it feels like no one ever, EVER talks about this.

I mean, my go-to example is that after Inquisition dropped, you could not say A WORD in criticism of Dorian without people jumping down your throat, chomping at the bit to call you a homophobe for it. No matter what reason - but ESPECIALLY if you thought he was “too stereotypical” - you got hit with that label. Even if you were gay yourself, it was just your “internalized homophobia” that made you dislike him, or even being biased against the people who genuinely do lean in to the stereotypes, don’t they deserve representation too?!

Well, yeah. It’s not like I was saying they don’t. But that it’s a stereotype means it’s often still in media, still often THERE. It’s not always good representation, but it’s something. Meanwhile for those of us who AREN’T? It just meant further exclusion from the narratives. A continuation of our invisibility.

And sure, one queer character cannot represent every queer person, one individual who embodies one letter of the alphabet soup cannot be everything to everyone under that individual label. But, again, it still means that I don’t get to see myself.

If media representation is a life preserver, then I’m getting pulled out to sea while the lifeguards are busy with people who are closer to them than I am. Which, you can call it triage, cast the widest net to hope to get the most people, but when you’re one of those who are not even able to grab on to the net and use it to pull yourself closer, it’s not helping. And, because they’re focused on those who have grabbed on to the net, your struggle continues to be ignored.

Worse, sometimes they aren’t factoring you in the net they’re throwing (yes, I’m aware my metaphor is getting increasingly strained, just work with me here) because they think you’re not in the trouble they think others are - if you can “pass” as cishet, if you can exist without actively fearing for your safety, if you are the kind of person who can walk down the street and not expect to be harassed because you “present” gay, then you’re not as in need as those people who can’t, who are going to be threatened for existing while visibly queer.

But the truth is that you’re still suffering. I’m not gonna get in to the whole oppression Olympics nature of it all, but there is an element that those of us who “pass” as being “straight-acting” (and, for the record, I think these terms are bogus and bullshit, but I’m using them for the sake of simplicity in getting my message across, because I’m stream of consciousnessing this post instead of going to bed so you’re getting babble and word vomit so that this isn’t playing on a loop as I try and sleep) suffer that... I’m not going to say that it makes it worse, but it does have this level of SOMETHING that is a unique pain that you aren’t going to find from the people who are visibly and noticeably queer at a glance - it’s not just isolation, because this is something that you end up not talking about because no one around you realizes that you are queer, but also this voice in the back of your mind that starts questioning “are you REALLY queer? Are you queer ENOUGH?”

And that’s why it hurts that little bit more, is that much more a twist of the knife, when I see these people who push the “joke” of like “why did they even HAVE male Shepard?” or “the only way to play is as Kassandra.” Because it does reinforce this idea - that there is this attitude of this thing, this character that I was seeing as representation doesn’t matter. So that I take strength in that character, well, that’s just me latching on to REPRESENTATION AS A MAN, and we’re not here to protect your fragile masculine ego.

When all I’m looking for is a queer man like I am.

And sometimes, I don’t even feel like the other queer men I can look to get it. Like, there was that time about a year ago that I looked up issues of queer men in video games, and the three videos I found all got an “...and NOPE!” reaction from me - the first argued in math about how “queer people are a small portion of the population, we can’t realistically expect to be represented equally,” even though we’re talking about FICTION, which is, by definition, NOT reality, the second was clearly a cishet who compared not being represented as a queer person to not being represented as a Swedish person, and then a third who first had a thumbnail on a video of “good and bad representation” and Kaidan was the example of bad (so a negative mark against this video to begin with, but I was desperate), only to lead with Dorian as a good example, which... *vague motion above and at the “dorian critical” tag* I staunchly disagree with this stance.

Like... I have to struggle to think of who my role models in being a queer man are. It’s not just who fits my story, but who do I look up to, who inspires me. And, admittedly, the luster for any personal hero seems to inevitable wear off at this point, I’m in my early thirties, and most of the media I consume will have characters who are my age or younger PERIOD, so my queer heroes would have to be people I’d consider either peers or even someone who I am older than...

But then, that’s kinda the thing about being queer period - we lost a generation to AIDS, and for those who followed that generation, we’ve had to live in this world where our heroes don’t exist like us, while trying to pave the way for those who come after us, and who can’t conceive of what it is like to age - as in “go from adulthood to middle age to elder,” not just the matter of growing up from childhood to adulthood - and so even as they’re the one who we want to give all of this to... It still means we suffer because no one is there to offer US that hand.

And yet, try to explain this to media creators, and you get ignored or even shut down. Like, I about a year ago, I directly replied to tweet from Patrick Weekes, explaining how Inquisition failed me, how all bi LIs actually HELP me feel more represented as a queer person than the mix of sexualities that BioWare on the whole has said that they intend to do (re: the difference of LIs in DA2 and Dragon Age Inquisition). It got no response, not even a like to indicate that it’d been read by them. I could form in my head the response I’d have inevitably gotten from David Gaider when he still had an active Tumblr of what would amount to, nicest, “we cannot please everyone, enough people were moved by Dorian’s story to make it worthwhile, sorry.” Given some of my cynicism, I can’t help but believe that it would also have come with a “sorry you feel that way.” Particularly considering some of the comments he’s made about Cullen and Kaidan as LIs, both of whom being characters I connect to more than others in their respective games...

And like... Gaider is a gay man. Weekes is nonbinary. But they are from that generation who view being able to exist openly as queer as a revolutionary statement, which... It’s a statement I want to make, sure, but it’s not a revolutionary one to me - “existence” is the bare minimum. To me, focusing on existence as a queer person is to say that the queer character must justify existing as queer in order to be a part of the narrative. But what is revolutionary to me is to give the queer person a story in the narrative that has NOTHING to do with their queerness.

Like... Fantasy world here, Inquisition drops with Cullen and Cassandra as same-sex exclusive LIs, while every other aspect of their stories are the same. Women can’t romance Cullen, Men can’t romance Cassandra. Other than that, we have Cullen with his addiction/redemption arc and Cassandra not just struggling with her faith but even getting the chance to be Divine. Yes, fandom would FLIP. THE FUCK. OUT. But here’s what it says - the things that these characters go through in the course of the game are not defined by their sexuality. Hell, with these characters specifically, you get characters with MASSIVE relevance to queer stories that AREN’T exclusive to being queer - addiction is a real issue in queer communities, given how many of our safe spaces are bars or clubs, places where alcohol (and thus alcohol abuse) is easily obtained, and, by extension, drugs as well. Meanwhile, there are SCORES of queer people who struggle with the question of faith in the wake of their queerness manifesting.

THAT is revolutionary. To take these stories that straight people get all the time, that certainly have meaning as queer stories for the queer audience... And yet, when they go to these (hypothetically) queer characters, it has that subtext without making the story ABOUT their queerness, while still making it clear that, in this version of things, they are queer - players couldn’t pretend that it’s only in some parallel universe that they are queer, they would only be attracted to the same sex PC. THAT is revolutionary.

Or, y’know, take it back beyond BioWare for a little bit here - all the characters I feel the most connection to emotionally in TV shows are straight. All these men who are my role models only ever get shown being involved with women. At most, they’ll get queerbaited as MAYBE being queer, if you just keep watching! Inevitably, of course, they are not queer by the end of the show - the closest to date is the debacle that is Supernatural.

Yeah, there’s representation for ya.

And then there are those who end up looking at what I see as thoroughly inadequate and... They’re happy. They praise it. They look at this thing that hurts me, that excludes me, that can, when I’m in the bad headspaces, even make me question myself... And they have found something they like with it.

Which, for the record, good for them, genuinely and sincerely, I really am glad that someone is getting something out of this, but... Well, see above: life preserver, isolation, “sorry you feel that way.” Everyone else is getting what they needed, but what about me? When does my representation get to appear? Why am I always being left, scrounging for the scraps of the scraps? Why does other peoples’ representation always seem to get shoved to the front of the line, leaving me languishing in the back.

That’s the real thing about all of those lines of “if you don’t like it, go make your own!” At this point, even if I did manage to get something in my to-write folder cleaned up and ready to go, in reality... How am I supposed to feel like anyone other than me WOULD proceed to read it? That the audience would exist? Because... no one seems to care about this audience. Hell, how would I get anyone to publish it if it is only going to appeal to me?

I feel on the margins of the margins, where no one really cares. Hell, even here in my own blog, I feel afraid of backlash - I’ve had the assholes show up in response to like little brief comments that are off-the-cuff rambles, not worded in a way that makes them a full, detailed accounting, and either take them as evidence that I, personally, represent all that is wrong with fandom at large, or that I am a target for their trolling. Because saying that “I find the jokes about male Shepard not mattering to be diminishing of me as a queer person, can we please stop this?” is somehow not just lesbophobic, but VIOLENTLY lesbophobic. Or that saying that I don’t care that bad things happen to a fictional species is somehow advocating for violence against actual women. Or even explicitly calling out BioWare for lovingly lingering the camera on Miranda’s ass is slutshaming her. And of course, there are the assholes who responded to me saying on the BioWare Twitter announcement post for the Legendary Edition that, if it didn’t have a full trilogy male Shepard/Kaidan romance, I wasn’t buying it, and proceeded to a) call me entitled for it (like, read a dictionary, the very fact that I have to call for this content that doesn’t exist in the game proper is the OPPOSITE of entitlement...), b) tell me that I “shouldn’t deny [myself] a great story just because it doesn’t have gay people in it” and c) just generally be homophobic. Even in rolling with it on the basis of “the trolls are gonna show up period if you make it clear that you care about something, especially if you are trying to get representation for some group that is in the minority... It gets exhausting. It can be harmful. It makes it clear that you’re not welcome, even when you’re supposedly united by the fact that you and these people supposedly love the same piece of media.

I mean, among those examples, I’ve given the statements that inspired those responses no tags other than my own organizational tags, but SOMEHOW they find me anyway, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I got accused of like being another White Gay™ with this post, that I simply want to center the conversation wholly on myself at the expense of all other intersections of queerness and other identities or something for saying all of this, even though this is, and it says so from the start, a vent post, which, by definition, is centered on myself because it’s about me and my experiences and emotions. *sigh*

Anyway...

And, y’know, when BioWare actively refuses to even ACKNOWLEDGE that the absence of a full trilogy M/M romance option is a bad thing, it just ends up saying that the trolls are actually the audience they’re willing to court. That Supernatural ending with a brothers only focus that doesn’t even allow Cas to be mentioned other than offhandedly while suppressing ANY kind of emotional fallout to his admission of love says that they don’t care about the queer people who at the very least the actor was trying to be respectful and representative of. That every piece of media that says that to have a queer person in it, their presence must be explained and justified is saying that there needs to be a REASON for queerness, a reason that is not “because people are queer, and queer people come in as many stripes as cishet people, and so media should reflect that spectrum just as much.”

Even when the numbers of queer characters in media goes up, it doesn’t really move the needle. And that’s not even getting to the difficulties when you are any mix-and-match combo under the queer umbrella, or any other identity that intersects to marginalize someone in our society. It just...

Y’know, it doesn’t feel like “it gets better.” Rather it just feels like being stuck in position, just with a changing backdrop. Sure, things look different by the end of the day, but that doesn’t change that you’re not getting anywhere.