#i love you buses i love you trains i love you trams

[looselipssinkships-x]

okay but i forgot how ridiculously in love with public transportation i am?? like put me on a stupid little bus that only comes every half an hour if you're lucky and my silly little brain is still like yay!! adventure!! 🥰🥰🥰

it's pathetic really

[pasdetrois]

i love becoming proficient at using public transit systems i’m literally never going to see again in my life

[uncanny-tranny]

I love when people complain about dangerous drivers because... there are some dangerous drivers out there! However, the solution isn't, like, a surveillance state. The solution can be found (in part) in actually investing in free public transportation and a variety of transportation. The fact that we often live in a very hostile world for pedestrians and non-motorists is a travesty, and helps contribute to the mess that is driving.

You don't need to ban certain people from being able to drive. You need to pressure your local and state governments to actually invest in trains, buses, trams, taxis, public bicycles, well-maintained sidewalks and trails, and whatever may be best for your community. Banning certain people from driving isn't going to effectively keep drivers safe.

[bisonaari]

So!! How is Finland going so far for me?

If you've talked to me in the past days you've probably heard all of this so I'm sorry in advance, you can skip the post hahaha !

First of all: the temperature is the same as in Canada HAHAHA. Sure it's currently a bit colder, but nothing that would be unusual in winter in Canada. So we've been perfectly ok with our usual winter clothes!

We had troubles locating our airbnb when we arrived. But we've been helped by @katinkulta and @taidotonheiluja and everything went ok in the end! I have to admit that because of the stress, the lack of sleep, the fact that I don't speak finnish and the travel time, the first two days I REALLY wanted to just go back home hahaha. But I'm better don't worry. I'm just an anxious bean

The day after that, I've been helped by Elsa again (my saviour) and she went grocery shopping with me and my partner, so we finally got food! (I don't eat a lot when I'm stressed, but my partner is, surprisingly enough, a normal human being who needs to eat. Weird)

Elsa is absolutely lovely and I really adore her company. She's as much fun as she is on the internet! A blessing to have her as a friend <3

The day after that was UMK! We met with Elsa again and with @teal-skull to have breakfast together before the rehearsal started. WHY IS EVERY MUTUAL I MEET SO FREAKING NICE??? This will apply to every single person mentionned in this post because everyone is a sweetheart seriously!

This is also the moment where I realized that I just could… throw a "puhutko englantia" when speaking to employees at stores YES I KNOW IT TOOK ME TWO DAYS BUT I AM VERY DUMB WHEN I'M ANXIOUS OK so I did that and WOW SURPRISE!! The employees said yes and switched to english!! INCREDIBLE, RIGHT. Urgh I'm so dumb hahaha

The UMK rehearsal was incredibly fun, I've seen almost all the artists that I wanted to see in Finland good I can now leave and never come back (that's a lie). But like KUUMAA, Benjamin, Käärijä (with JUKKA !!! ON STAGE!! IN FRONT OF ME), Erika Vikman, Pilvi Hämäläinen (she counts ok), and all the UMK contestants were people who I wanted to see live so bad, and now it's done I'm super happy. I've seen Cha Cha Cha live!!!!

After the rehearsal we met with @omppupiiras @formulalakana and @smimon to go get food together <3 What is funny is that no one knew what the others looked like, but I'm so easily recognisable that we were able to find each other anyway lol

I'm so thankful for everyone that I've met so far. Also other friends that manifested in dms to help me if I needed it! Like @because-its-eurovision for example <3

Some things that surprised my partner and I in Finland so far:

I've said it to a lot of people but the trains are so silent??? Like in Québec, you can hear the metro a few minutes before you can actually see it arrived. Here we've been JUMPSCARED by sudden trains we didn't hear arrive???

Dish drying cabinets my beloved. How did I live before you??? This is SO useful holy shit

The food is so expensive ;A; I was expecting it to be more expensive, but not by that much hahaha. I guess we're gonna eat a lot of pasta during our trip hahaha

I love how pedestrian friendly the city is (I've only been in Tampere so far). The sidewalks are double the size I'm used to in Montréal! You can walk to anywhere, there are tons of trams and buses, this is fantastic (I'm too anxious to take the tram and the bus though lol)

See you in a while for another update!!

[artemisbarnowl]

What is life like in Melbourne? I’m looking into moving there from the UK and would love some insights and whatever else from people who live and work there 💕

I've only visited the UK briefly as a tourist so I'm not sure how to compare them in a way that's going to give you useful info. But I'll give you info at least. Please sit comfortably and we'll begin.

Melbourne has 5 million people in it, but is also quite a large sprawling urban area, so it doesn't feel really packed and busy. It sits on a bay, so it doesn't get freezing but does have the '4 seasons in one day' jokes which are true. I never really got in the habit of checking the weather in the morn before I left for work until I moved away from melb where the forecast was such that I could dress appropriately without surprise.

When I talk about what I love about Melbourne I mean inner suburbs and CBD (which is a beautiful grid and shining example of urban planning for the now that is weighed down by no plans for the future). Public transport connectivity is decent (comparable to London imo) but wait times, delays, and travel times on trams and buses might be relatively crap depending on your experience. It's no Moscow metro (my beloved), but you can probably get to where you're going somehow. Also e scooters have popped off. Further out there's no trams and there's more big gaps between train stations (the train lines are arranged like spokes of a wheel around a central city circle. There will be another city loop slightly overlapping the current one in service next year). This is what I despairingly call The Suburbs. Where you probably need a car to get around and it's like at least 20 mins drive to Anywhere for dinner, groceries or fun activities. Mostly Melbourne is not overly hilly so bikes are an option but infrastructure such as bike lanes is really hit or miss depending on area. Especially good in the inner north. Melb inner suburbs are very walkable and I love love love that. I lived in the inner north and could walk into the CBD to do whatever.

In terms of culture things I think Melbourne is the most international of Aus's capitals in that it has a lot of different people but also that there's a lot open late. Sydney probably can and will make the same claim. But that's it. The rest of Aus is a country town. Major shops will probably close 5.30 or six mon to wed but there's plenty of stuff that's open later. You can always find a bar* or 8. There's plenty of different cuisines in gourmet or fast food dining. There's a cafe in the CBD that's open 24 hours where I can sit outside and have a pot of green tea WHENEVER I WANT. Bookstores open til 10pm. There are lots of events throughout the year and lots of cultural institutions to visit on a whim for free! Some are paid also obvi but I find it difficult to be bored when I can go to the museum to see taxidermy or the NGV for art for free whenever. I am a zoo member which means I get to hang out in a beautiful park/garden which creatures for free whenever I want. Again as you go out further this becomes less true. Fringe cities at the ends of train lines are likely to have what you need to live but less fun activities less often. Not nothing though!

Melbournians really do love wearing black. Especially in winter. They also love strategic Grey. I thought people were exaggerating until I left. A head to toe black outfit is uncommon enough to be remarkable where I live now. Even in a regular boring office where people wear very muted colours I'm the only one who does it. There is no functional difference between the a mourning outfit and one of a Melbournian. it's common wear sneakers with a lot of seemingly formal or corporate outfits, but not thongs with jeans. That's some weird Sydney nonsense.

Being around the bay there's plenty of places to swim in summer! Most of the bay is bordered by beach, most famous and reachable from the city is St Kilda beach. Which is excellent and beyond reproach if you're not Australian and 'fine' if you are. Traveling down towards Mornington Peninsula they get better. 5km makes a difference to the grain of the sand. Some are more fine, can get more coarse and shelly as well. Never stony. Only a little bit of seaweed here and there.

There are parks in the heart of the city (nothing huge like Hyde though) and little wildlife corridors or reserves in most suburbs but it's not an especially Nature city. It's only one hour by train and bus or by car to the Dandenongs (a low mountain range, not to be confused with hugely underated immigrant suburb of Dandenong in melb) though which have cool temperate rainforest national park, lots of gardens (huuuuuge rhododendron garden up there), little b&bs, english style cafes (miss Marples in Olinda is the most famous) and lots of walking and biking. I say one hour but Melbourne as an area reaches right to the base of the range, which is why you can get a bus from the shops. There are national parks that are native woodland or grasslands closer to the heart of the city but these are less special to me because that's the standard nature I see every day of my life. There's a pink lake in south melb which is fun. But I love tree ferns and fresh damp dirt and the tallest flowering trees in the world!!

If you have more specific Q's feel free to ask. I am a city gal at heart but did live rurally originally and frequently do short stays (2 weeks to a month) in rural or remote areas so I am used to comparing amenities and connectivity.

*Melbourne has regular bars but also is very big on rooftop bars. Sydney has some, but other cities hear rooftop bar and think 'bar inside but with views or on top floor of building. Probably formal'. Melbourne roof top bars are on the roof. In the open air (maybe some shade sail) and it's very much a casual thing. Jugs of beer or sangria, chips, feels like a good barbeque rather than a refined cocktail bar. Those are often in basements.

[knuckles-bloody-for-me]

What is life like in Melbourne? I’m looking into moving there from the UK and would love some insights and whatever else from people who live and work there 💕

Well you'll find the weather familiar that's for sure. In winter I'd say we're about the same, except our sunset at the earliest was about 5:25 this year. In summer it CAN get hot, it's gotten to 40C before but mostly it's in the low 30s or high 20s.

The central area of the city is kind of dead unless you work there. There's a few big shops, similar to Nordstrom I think??? But the cafe scene in there is slim pickings. Lots of really really cool bars these days though, and most have food and nonalc options! Some absolutely gorgeous parks dotted throughout the city, and if you can get out into the countryside it's stunning in the Yarra Valley,the great Ocean road, Bright and Beechworth, Gippsland etc. Some have trains, others have to be driven to. Be warned our public transport is about 20 years behind Europe (our fastest trains are 160kmh)(I literally work for a train manufacturer so this is legit)

It gets really cool in the suburbs, you'll find local cafes all over, some great pubs and restaurants etc. Some have really vibrant communities and markets that are great, like the south melbourne market, the prahran market, Fitzroy and Brunswick are must see Melbourne suburbs and easily accessible by tram. Be aware we don't have the same grandeur as London, but I still really like it. We have beaches too and some of them are even nice lol.

The east side tends to be more expensive but has better public transport (trans and trams), while the west is a bit cheaper but underserviced (you'd be relying on buses more). Driving in some areas can suck massively, especially the central part of the city (you'd avoid driving in central London the same way).

People say Melbourne is Australia's most European city and im inclined to agree, so if that means anything to you great! We have fantastic food and coffee, and I truly don't think it's just because I live here but the people are nicer than in syndey. That's not to say everyone will smile and wave at you but if you needed help or directions most people would stop and chat, where in Sydney everyone seems to rush around more and have a bit less time.

Something you might find very different to the UK is a culture of not seeing people as much. I think in the UK you'll frequently see people for dinner through the week and its normal (I think??) Whereas here not so much. We're mostly a weekend bunch, but I'm trying to do more weeknight easy meet ups.

@idsb is another great person to ask about living in Melbourne (and I think she needs to come back 🤧)

Sydney feels like a bigger city, but Melbourne population just overtook it. Brisbane is further north on the east coast and is locally called Brisvegas. I have never spent much time there because in summer it's humid as fuck and I can't stand that and the heat.

Adelaide is small, Hobart is gorgeous and only a short flight from Melbourne, but tiny. Perth people are loving these days but I've only been once so gonna need someone else to pitch in there! Same with Darwin :)

I would love for you to tell me more about living in the UK because IM considering moving THERE!

[the-heaminator]

If you don't mind mention where you are from and whether your area has what you epild consider to be a good public transport system. Public transport as like, buses, trains, trams, tube/underground/subway.

Any grievances with the public transport in your area I would love to hear.

[letrune]

Everyone is a revolutionary until the trash has to be taken out.

Let me explain: most people who want the status quo AND a giant revolution with blood think the system will benefit them. However, the moment they have to do the annoying minutae of society, they suddenly refuse to engage in it.

This is because most people are under the assumption that they will benefit more in the new order, not that they will be the ones required to run it or do the dirty jobs nobody wants to. Some happily tell about having servants and the strong to rule and to kill the rich, ignoring that they may be the servants, the weak, the rich. They believe that their life will improve, not worsen.

Which is what oh so many revolutions fail at. They get the depose-replace part, but then fall into the same traps the old system had, or worse, create brand new traps and willingly charge into them.

Imagine, we go to a free buns party. 500 people can get free buns! Yum! However... there are a 1000 people. How should we solve it?

Give to the first 500? Great, and- oops, sorry, you are the 501st...

Oh, tickets. You can buy a ticket, get a bun. But it is not a free bun then... but alas. Oops, sorry, you can't buy a ticket, guy before you had more money.

Redistribute. Okay, give me two hours. And also service fee, one bun for me... got to get people to carry... my buddies in the council... oops, sorry, you JUST missed it. I mean, you look like someone who could use some less buns, you get me?

Free for all? Ok. Oops, sorry, those guys are bigger and faster than you. Sorry.

Oh, sharing! Lovely idea. Half a bun for everyone. There. It is solved, as long as we only got 500 buns for 1000 people.

Now... imagine it not being about free buns. It is about housing, plumbing, mass transit, jobs one can do, water, food, etc.

But let us imagine tomorrow we find out the Utopian Edict. It is suprisingly easy to implement and comes free! It even solves the resource problems all across the globe, and SOMEHOW none of us becomes a selfish jerk by political, national, emotional, sexual, racial or other identities we have. A true utopia, where happiness is free for everyone and nobody leaves unsatisfied.

Who will take out the trash?

Come on, you know we can recycle them, but someone still has to take out the trash. Someone has to deliver the mail. Someone has to put the buns in the oven and take them out, with the right time between the two. The books have to be printed AND written by someone for us to read. Someone has to make sure there are schools, libraries, hospitals, buses, trams, buns and so many more.

In the Utopian life, we won't just point to someone else. It ought to be either volutary - the people who like doing these - or rewarded well - so people do these and not much more.

Taking out the trash is not as glamorous as being the Hero of the Great Cause, but have you ever considered that after the Great Revolution wins, you have to build a new world, right? What world would that be?

Consider this: you are asked what should happen to the worst members in society. When you say the answer, a random roll is done to determine if you get the worst member role or not. Will your answer change?

In the Utopia version, you will be asked who should take out the trash and what we should give for them for doing such a job. "Nobody" wants to do it, but it has to be done. Surely, we find volunteers but it won't be enough...

So. In this utopia we fight for, we should consider what world we build. Not just shout for guillotines and firing squads and "we figure it out eventually"; not just "we can fix this all", and ignore the minutea like taking the trash out. Storming a palqce qnd blowing bridges up is the stupid eaasy part of a revolution, building houses and bridges and making sure there are trains and running on time is the hard part. Almost all revolutions failed on these when they started. Wwe will need logisticians, planners and people who are willing to take out the trash more than people good with bombs and guns.

Even in Utopia, you will need someone who does it. Except in Utopia, it would be a job that is not treated as trash.

[pynkhues]

Hey Sophie, I'm going to be in Melbourne soon! Do you have any tips for what to do, see, or eat?

Hey! Ah! How exciting! Melbourne's a really fun city to visit, and I feel really does have something for everyone.

Hmmm, tip wise, I think I'd say:

grab a Myki card for public transport. You can buy these at any news agent, train station or petrol station. Melbourne has a free inner-city tramzone, which is great for getting around the CBD, but you should also take advantage of Melbourne's incredibly good train network which'll open up the broader city to you. A Myki card works on all forms of public transport - buses, trams (for trams outside of the free tram zone) and trains - so they're pretty straight forward.

On that note, the PTV app is pretty useless for public transport (you're better off using Google maps tbh), but it does let you top up your Myki instantly via your phone, which makes it useful. The TramTracker app is very good for trams though, especially because you can type in the number of the tram you're on and know exactly which stops you're heading towards. The logos look like this: (trust the doggo)

Don't drive in the city - it's a layer of hell.

Have a little bit of cash on you. Most places take cards or smart watches, but you'll need gold coins for certain things too, particularly accessing certain gardens or markets.

Pack for all weather. Melbourne's known for having four seasons in a day, and having lived here for almost five years now, it's not an exaggeration. Layering is your friend, and always have an umbrella!

Hook turns are a real thing here, and whether you're driving or just crossing the road, they're worth being aware of.

Places to visit

Melbourne's famous for its street art, and while you can just wander around and observe yourself, doing a tour is particularly fun (and makes sure you see the best stuff!)

Australian Centre for the Moving Image (ACMI) is one of my favourite places to show out-of-towners (although that's probably partly just because it's me, haha). It's a museum of film, tv and games, and explores the moving image as both a form of commercial entertainment and as a form of art. Their cinema is often playing really interesting films too.

National Gallery Victoria is always worth checking out.

Chapel Street is known for it's little galleries, restaurants and indie shops, and makes for a fun day out.

Queen Vic Market and South Melbourne Market are both iconic and for good reason. They've been operational since the mid-1800s, and you can often feel that when you're in them. They can get packed though, so just a heads up.

I love love love heritage buildings and exploring history through place, so will always recommend checking out the National Trust's historic sites in Melbourne. Rippon Lea Estate is a personal fave and only about 20 minutes out of the CBD on the train. They shot parts of Miss Fisher there, and even if you don't get to tour the house (although I recommend you do!) even just exploring the gardens are beautiful.

Abbotsford Convent & Collingwood Children's Farm are right next door to each other and a pretty amazing day out.

If you fancy seeing a movie, my all time fave cinemas are The Classic and The Lido, which are owned by the same family. Either spot is worth checking out.

If you're looking to see a show or performance, you can look for the big ones at any of the big theatres, but for smaller, exciting indie stuff, I'd check out the programs at Malthouse, La Mama, Art House, Meat Market, and Footscray Community Arts Centre,

What to eat

Wellllll, this ultimately depends on your budget, haha, since Melbourne restaurants can run the gamut. Some of my favourite restaurants that are a bit more on the expensive side but great for a special occasion:

Maha's probably my favourite restaurant in Melbourne? It's modern Middle Eastern cuisine and their seafood in particular is divine. It's a set menu, and like I said, a little exy, haha.

Mabu Mabu is modern Australian First Nations (Torres Strait Islander) cuisine and is very good! They sell some of their own sauces too, and I highly recommend snagging their pineapple hot sauce! It's also very easy to get to, as it's located in Fed Square right next to the Koori Heritage Trust which often has Indigenous exhibitions on (and a great gift store if you're looking for anything to take home)

Chin Chin's - delicious South East Asian fusion cuisine. Again, a little exy.

Transformer - incredible vegetarian restaurant. They do both ala carte and a fixed menu. Highly recommend their fixed menu! They're also very good with dietary requirements, particularly if you're gluten free or if you have annoying allergies for a vegetarian restaurant like me, haha (tomato and eggplant).

Cheaper eats that are also delicious:

A little out in the South Side 'burbs, but Saigon Mamma is my favourite Vietnamese restaurant in Melbourne.

Rice Paper Scissors is good too, as is Chocolate Buddha, Green Man's Arms, and oh! Studley Park Boathouse is a fave. It's beautiful location-wise with pretty standard (but good) pub eats, and they've got a lot of water birds you can feed and boats you can hire pretty cheap ($30 for a kayak, $40 for a row boat) to row along the Yarra River. It's also really close to the Convent + Children's Farm if you fancy making a day of it.

If you're willing to travel a little further out of inner Melbourne, I'd also suggest:

Healesville Sanctuary - the bird show is i n c r e d i b l e. I took my nephews last year and the older one still talks about it, haha.

Mornington Penninsula Hot Springs - Mornington Penninsula is a great day trip from Melbourne. It's only just over an hour drive, and it's pretty stunning. Full of wineries and beachy walks. The hot springs are so relaxing though, and really centring if you need it.

Mount Macedon - home of the Hanging Rock of Picnic at Hanging Rock fame! Plus it's just a beautiful area.

Cranborne Gardens - the Royal Botanical Gardens in the city are beautiful too, but I'm particularly partial to these ones.

Hope this gets you started, and just let me know if you have any other questions!

[headcanonsandmore]

I love you pavements, I love you cycle paths, I love you trains, I love you buses, I love you trams, I love you ferries, I love you infrastructure that doesn’t depend on cars. 

[public-transportation-tournament]

Transport Canberra Bus Network, Canberra, Australia vs Stagways, Hallownest (Hollow Knight)

Transport Canberra Bus Network: ok look maybe it's a standard not-too-great bus network to you. But hear me out. For a city with no trains and until recently no tram, the buses are all an autistic kid has to be super into. Our buses are iconic. Look up the 'action dinosaur bus' to see my favourite one. It's light blue and has dino skeletons on it and a message about reducing fossil fuel usage! For several years we had a couple of buses running around completely decked out in the rainbow pride flag! Our old bus shelters are iconic! They're big concrete things and I love them. You can buy merchandise of them, coffee mugs and such. I love the action/transport canberra bus network and so should you!

Stagways: It's this big stag beetle that gives rides through this huge tunnel network.

[lady-of-imladris]

🌻 If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your mentions, anonymous or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog 🌻

Hii <3

1. I usually leave my Friday lecture half an hour early so that I can spend more time with my cat over the weekend🥺

2. I hate trains and buses, but I love subways and trams (what the fuck do people call them in English?)

3. I have a huge amount of pink stuff for my kitchen. Kitchen towels? Flamingo. Glasses? The old IKEA flamingo ones. Tupperware? Pink. Whenever my mom is on a Tupperware-buying-spree and sees something pink she buys it for me🥺

[mikimeiko]

Day 2 - Innsbruck (Austria)

I slept almost 12 hours XD tomorrow is going to be another intense day of travel, so today I'm taking things really slow.

It's raining, so I go get breakfast in a place near my hostel. They have so many options and I panic XD and end up ordering a breakfast option made entirely of sweet things ;_;

Everything was very good but it ended up being overwhelmingly sweet and I couldn't finish it.

It has stopped raining so I take a walk around the old town. It's still overcast but the light is a lot more lively and crisp than yesterday. Innsbruck is a very beautiful city.

I saw a priest on a scooter! (Not like a vespa-scooter, like a skateboard-scooter. His clothing was flowing in the wind and it was very funny XD)

Why is coffee so expensive outside of Italy? ;_;

The Hofgarten is very peaceful and lovely to walk through. Lots of biodiversity, gotta love that!

There's a funicular that starts underground on the outskirts of the old town and takes you up the mountain! Well, it takes you a bit up the mountain and then from there you can take two cable cars to get to THE TOP of the mountain. But I don't like cable cars and the top of the mountain is shrouded in clouds anyway, so I just go up a bit with the funicular :D

The Alps continue to be ridiculously magnificent.

Near the funicular station there's a small inn where I finally get to it the kaspressknödel (a fried "dumpling" made with potatoes and cheese - very similar to frico from Friuli now that I think about it), the one thing I really wanted to try here in Innsbruck. And I'm happy I did because it's SO GOOD.

I get down from the mountain by bus and, very happy with my 24h transport ticket, I engage in one of my favourite hobbies: taking random buses and trams out of the city centre. I find the prettiest small church, a second waterway (not sure if it's a river or a canal) and smallish park with a pond in the middle <3

I went to see the market, and the stalls that were closed yesterday, but neither was particularly interesting. I don't know why I always set my expectations so high on markets XD

I grabbed some food and went back to my hostel. Tonight there were actually people in the common area, and I had a nice chat with the other travellers before sadly saying my goodbyes - since tomorrow I have a SUPER early train to Salzburg ;_;

[ramenwithbroccoli]

i love you buses. i love you trams. i love you underground. i love you trains. i love you public transport. i love you walkable distances. i love you accessibility. i love you cities where it is not a bother to exist

[osrphotography]

Hi Asbjrna,

First, I love your photography. As an amateur wildlife photographer, I am always curious to know what draws people like yourself to photograph the things they do. In your case, you seem to love all forms of Transportation. What started your interest in trains, planes and automobiles?

Jonathan

Excellent question!

My interest began at home, my grandmother grew up in a town in the Chilean pampa called Zapiga. The town existed only because of the Nitrate Railways Co Ltd, and was built up around the railway station. Growing up I'd hear stories of how she'd watch the train go by from her house, and how every week on Thursday the train would lay up in the yard overnight. Stories like that were more than enough to get me into railways.

In primary school I met a kid who was really into aviation, we became friends and eventually I got sucked into it as well. Although I don't do too much av-spotting I still have friends in the community.

Buses and trams happened at the same time just 2 years ago in 2021, I met a guy working at Dockline Tramway, we became friends, I joined MoTaT (Museum of Transport and Technology) and now I spend most of my free time bus spotting.

Basically it's the social aspect that got me hooked, and the fact that I can be a history nerd with transport as well.

[space-blue]

Trick or treat!

Poor anon... Let me beam you 90% of the first chapter of an original story I worked on years ago and never finished.

Phobia

Did you ever wonder if you could spend a day without drinking? Even if you were thirsty, to just stay locked in your room, and hope that "thirty days without food, three days without water" weren't an urban myth?

I have, of course, as a sort of intellectual exercise. Like wondering whether you'd rather die of thirst or hunger; such merry thoughts usually triggered by some piece of sensational news about people surviving against all odds, trapped under buildings, licking wet concrete for weeks.

Never had I considered it as seriously as that morning, sitting on the edge of my bed, head bobbing on the knees I'd gathered in my arms. My bare feet drummed a matching rhythm, following the erratic patterns of my anguished thoughts. I had already given up on the morning's plans of course. Why worry about jogging or work when I wasn't sure I'd get a glass to drink. Or a thing to eat. Or an access to the toilet, either.

I cursed myself for keeping my room so tidy. I rolled back across my bed, tumbling in my duvet like this was some slumber party. But there were no half eaten meals, no bags of chips or popcorn, no bottles or glasses laying around, half full or half empty. No one either, to hit me with a pillow—let alone open the door for me.

I sat back up, starring at this hideous obstacle in the wall, this repulsive thing I could barely stand to look at. The idea of touching it, opening it and being confronted with what may lay behind made my stomach lurch and my body break in a sweat.

A fucking door.

How did I not see it coming? The endless question. As if I could plan for everything. I reached for my phone, checking for messages. Answers to my desperate cries for help.

Nothing yet. I'm no sexy princess to be delivered out of my dungeon, for sure, but at least Virgil would help. He'd come for me—not on a white horse but in a white sedan. And if he found my desiccated corpse, I knew he'd get some epic line carved on my tombstone. Something witty like "Finally got a phobia of living".

I laughed at the ceiling and, for lack of a better thing to do, started reviewing the series of events that had led me here, trapped in my own bedroom by a paralysing fear of its door.

It all started two years ago. I'd scored a great job, working a management desk in a brand new animation studio based in London. I loved what we did there, but work was slowly turning into hell because of commute. I simply couldn't afford rent anywhere near my work—could barely afford to breathe and eat, actually; fuck London.

And you see, I had a crippling phobia of trains and cars... and buses, subways, trams—basically anything that had me inside a metal box travelling at great speeds. I insisted on riding my bicycle everywhere. You can imagine how things got, between the woeful weather, the waste of a time I didn't have, the lack of sleep snowballing into absences, sick days and increasingly sloppy work... Within a year it was a toss up as to what would get me first, between my boss waving a P45 or a car clipping my wheel.

I needed to act, and fast. That wrote off drawn out therapy, so I got an appointment with a hypnotist. I didn't really know what to expect. I'd heard about them from a concerned friend who'd seen some tv show about them. Third hand information at best, yet my GP confirmed hypnosis was an option and gave me a reference to a private hypnotherapist in Whitechapel who'd only set me back one third of my rent a pop.

I went in with low expectations and high hopes. I can't stress enough how pleased I was to walk out of that first session entirely cured. My fear, the entire gut reaction, the physical distress at the very idea of being trapped in a car, was gone. The poor hypnotherapist was so taken aback, she scheduled a second appointment later in the same week and asked me to try and sit in an unmoving car before then and report how that felt.

I went home in a taxi, crying my eyes out in happiness, thinking there would never be another session.

It lasted for a few days. Retrospectively, I think I just failed to find the proper triggers.

My first fright, I was getting to the subway entrance and froze. I found myself taken by nausea, feet glued to the steps. An all too familiar cocktail of feelings. I could not bring myself to go underground. It was like it would swallow me. Like it was a hole, not a tunnel. An anthill, swarming with sweaty hordes of people who didn't seem to notice how close the walls were, how dense the air... Everything screamed danger at me, every sense on high alert, except for my knees, ready to go to sleep.

Do you know someone who has a phobia of planes? People always talk those poor folk down.

"Hey, planes are safe!"

"One in a million chances!"

"It's more dangerous to take the bus across town, or to cross the street!"

Does it make a difference to them? Of course not. You can be perfectly reasonable about the object of your phobia. You can know for certain that it is safe, and yet remain utterly terrified of it. It's a gut feeling, a horror without sense or reason. Of course a frog can't eat you. Of course a house spider as large as a finger nail is more scared of you than you of her, and she couldn't even pierce your skin if she tried to bite you. As harmless as a mayfly, yet you climb up the curtains and wail.

It's really insulting, to have someone laugh at you as if your logic were what's at fault. It's not, it's some deep, poorly wired connection in your brain, wherever it breeds mortal fear.

And if people try to cure plane-phobia folks with hard Facts and Logic, just imagine how they react to a grown man shreaking in the supermarket aisle, suddenly discovering himself a phobia of tuna cans?

Yes, that happened too. The day after the underground fear. And yes, I knew that cans—of tuna or otherwise—wouldn't hurt me. But it was terrifying. I didn't see it coming, I had grabbed it while fumbling with my shopping list. When I saw it and the fear locked into place...

Yet the next day I could open my kitchen cupboard and grab any can I wanted.

The phobia, I slowly came to realise, was jumping to some new, unknown objects every day. It left me wondering where I'd be, next time something caught me off guard. I woke up stressed, tensed for the day ahead. I went to bed fighting sleep, my dreams often plagued by whatever thing or concept had scared me all day.

Fear and anguish and tuna cans.

Now featuring doorknobs as well.

The hypnotherapist had been eager to believe me. It was easier for her to accept something was wrong with my head than to believe she could cure me my phobia in a single session. Her recommendations sent me down a string of doctors, all more academic than the next. I quit my job when it became clear I couldn't hold it. My girlfriend left me the day after I woke up screaming at the sight of her in my bed and ran to lock myself in the bathroom.

Phobia of women is a thing. It's called gynophobia and it's stupid.

Eventually, I moved to Edinburgh, Scotland. I got a flat and a stipend for working with the University there. With Virgil and his team at the neuroscience department. Malcolm Evans became M. E. in all papers on my rather... unique condition.

The man whose deep sleep cycles resets his phobia! The man with gremlins for brains. That was me. That had become my life. To be prodded and tested and written about. Paraded at talks and flown about the world, put under and medicated and cat-scanned and ultra-sounded and punctured and dressed up in more electrodes wires than a Christmas tree with fairylights.