#i love you all very dearly | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

teddybeartoji · 10 months ago

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彡 WEEPING, CARVED OPEN HEARTS

☆. contains: bf!toji fushiguro x gn!reader; mild angst with comfort (they had an argument oh no), toji learns how to apologize, toji is in love wc: 2.3k

your throat is sore and your eyes burn. you're tired and sad and upset and you just want it to be over already. but his sharp words swim laps in your head and you can't think about anything else. the ceiling of your shared living room is the only form of solace at this point, the shadows of the street putting on a show just for you.

the warm light of the lamps that stand tall behind the apartment window use the ceiling as a canvas, the passing cars as little characters running around. you hear hollering – it's saturday night, people are having fun. and you're curled up on the sad couch with a sniveling nose.

you hear steps and the bathroom door clicking shut and you use the moment to grab your stuff; a pillow, a blanket and a change of clothes – the very same sad couch will be your best friend tonight.

he turns on the water and you stand behind the door, longingly staring at the wood, wishing the night had gone differently.

but it didn't. so, you put on your pyjamas and sink into the couch. letting a few last tears fall from your eyes, you try to get some rest.

try.

while you're cocooning yourself away from the world, toji is staring at his own reflection in the foggy mirror. hands splayed on the cold countertop, his head hangs low and the running water turns into a muffled sound in his ears; dark strands of hair fall in front of his exhausted eyes, and he too, can't stop thinking about his own words.

regret fills his veins, threatening to explode under his skin. he can't tear his eyes from the disappearing reflection, the steam covering up more and more of the glass, hiding his guilty stare. his heart beats in morse code, calling out your name with every breath he takes but he's still stuck in this tiny shrinking room while you're out there – in the dark, in the cold, drowning in the impact of his words. he didn't mean them, he didn't. toji squeezes his eyes shut and his head drops to his chest. he thinks about your trembling hands and your shaky voice.

a sigh.

a miserable one.

he drops his towel and stands under the hot water. the warmth takes him in but it's nothing compared to you. the droplets comb through his hair but it's nothing compared to you. they cascade down his scarred shoulders and the muscles of his back, but it's nothing.

compared to you.

the smell of the shampoo makes him want to vomit. your shampoo. his shampoo. he rubs at his scalp and lets the suds drip over his face. he scrubs his body and he wishes he could do it harder. he hopes that you're sleeping well. no, he doesn't. he wants to say goodnight to you.

he tilts his head up towards the shower head and closes his eyes, letting the water run over his neck and his adam's apple, washing away all of the remaining ugly words that might've still been lurking in his throat.

he turns the water off and steps out. only throwing on his sweatpants, he doesn't even bother drying himself off, he just needs... you. he needs to hold you, he needs to hear you. he needs to feel his heartbeat.

one step out of the bathroom and toji can already see the corner of your blanket hanging from the edge of the couch. he fists the material of his pants at his side as he breathes out. it hurts. slowly, he approaches your bundled up body, trying to figure out whether you're already asleep or not. your face is hidden in the pillow, your back facing him and he just wants to see you.

"leave me alone."

it hurts.

his head falls back, his eyes raking over the faint shadows on the ceiling. a car honks on the street below, the wind blows behind your cracked open window. his chest feels heavy, his shoulders hurt.

"why aren't you in bed?"

quiet. you think about not answering. you thought about not talking to him throughout the entire night, but now that he's here... it's harder than you thought.

"because you're mean. and you hurt my feelings." your fingers dig into the pillow under your head. "and i don't want to fucking see you."

his knee cracks when he squats down beside you. his fingers itch to play with the ends of your hair, to pull you into his body and never let you leave.

"well, thank god you can't see anything when yer sleeping then, hm."

he's infuriating. he sounds tired. you want to slap him, you want to push him away. you hate that you can hear strain in his voice. you want him to say that he's sorry. you want to hold him. you want him to show that he cares.

leaving the safe confines of the warm blanket, you whip your head towards him. the light coming from the outside is barely enough to show you his eyes. they're soft, softer than you've ever seen them before. a dark forest; the green circular windows are pleading for you. please, don't be scared of what's inside.

"no arguments for the first two statements?"

you're a inches away from bumping your nose against his, your warm breath hitting his skin as you scoff. the pain is still there, slowly but surely turning into anger but he understands.

"i'm– trying, yeah?"

your eyes flick between his, searching for... something.

"why is your own pride more important than my feelings, toji?"

...

he fucking hates the way you're looking at him. loathes.

you look exhausted too, eyes swollen from all of the crying from before and now there are fresh tears forming in the corners of them.

because of him.

why is his pride more important? it isn't. it isn't, it isn't, it isn't. and yet... silence. something scratches in his throat – it wants to get out but it's hard. a drop rolls over the apple of your cheek and his head falls against your shoulder with a sigh. you don't push him away, you don't invite him in either. why is it so hard for him?

"i just feel like you don't care at all sometimes. when you refuse to apologize – it seems like we're competing against each other but i don't even know what the game is."

your voice is shaky and you're doing your best to come off as composed as you can because you want him to hear you out. you're scared he's going to brush you off. again.

he fiddles with the edge of your blanket, his weight heavy on your body.

"apologizing doesn't make you weak, you know. you're not losing anything – toji, we're not competing over anything. it would simply show that..." you take a big breath in, and let a big one out. "it would show that you do care. that you listen to me, that you want me here."

somebody laughs in the distance. toji smells so good. you close your eyes and focus on what you're about to say.

"it's okay for it to be hard, i don't expect you to spill it right away but it is important to me. i need to know that you're not just dusting away my feelings just because you find them difficult to deal with."

pulling your one hand from under the covers, you let it dig into his wet dark locks. your shampoo, his shampoo.

"but if they are too difficult to deal with..." you trail off, your own thought making more tears fall from the corners of your eyes. he buries his forehead into your body as you play with the hair on the nape of his neck and you feel his fingers digging into your blanket.

"don't say that... fuck– please, don't say that."

"i can't do it like this, toji. i'm not gonna apologize for being emotional. i'm not gonna apologize for being myself, for being alive." you hiccup. "i'm not gonna apologize for not being a brick fucking wall."

"i know, sweetheart, i know."

"do you?"

his teeth sink into his bottom lip and he thinks about your smile. about how your eyes shine in the warm sunlight. how you cling to him even when in your sleep. how you keep ruffling his hair even though he pretends to hate it. how cute you look when you steal his massive sweatshirts. how comforting your voice sounds, how well your hand fits into his. how intently you always listen to him, how you wash his back after a long day at work. how stupid your jokes are. and how much he lo—

...

how much he loves you.

your fingers comb through his hair and you're still coddling him despite the fact that you're upset. and sad, and angry. he thinks about how he doesn't deserve you. how you'd be better off with someone else.

he feels you falter, just a bit, and he knows he's wasting time. you're tired and you want to sleep and you want to feel his love. you want to hear it. and nothing gets to be more important than you. he makes that promise in his head, in his heart.

his sun, his moon, his stars. the smell of coffee in the morning and the feeling of your arms around his waist. his everything.

"i'm..."

fuck.

you turn your body, now fully laying on your back, and pull his head against your chest. he listens to your heartbeat and his hands snake around your middle.

"i love you."

he knows for a fact that you're too good for him.

he hasn't even said it yet but you're determined to let him know how you feel. he knows it's not meant as an encouragement either – you're completely bare before him; honest and straightforward, meagerly waiting for him to do the same. hoping he'll do the same. he's not stupid, he knows your patience is running low but you're still trying. still giving him the chance to do right by you because you want him to do right by you.

he gives you a squeeze, nuzzling his face into chest as if he could somehow reach your ribcage that way. he knows his rough hands have to work overtime to hold your big delicate heart and he's scared.

but your heart is probably scared too, isn't it? wouldn't it be scary to be held by these calloused hands; hands that only know pain and hurt?

this is how it goes. you're both scared and you'll both hold each other. whispering praise into the other's ears, regardless of the fear of getting hurt. trust – it's about trust.

i love you. you make me feel safe. stay with me. let me get that for you. let's shower together. i made you coffee. i want you to come with me. hold my hand. kiss me. hug me. hold me. i want you.

i trust you.

"i'm sorry."

...

muffled, and spoken into your skin – it's enough. it's more than enough for you.

soft, warm hands cradle his jaw and raise his head from your chest. soft, warm eyes hold his gaze and he knows his on the right path.

"fuck–" a shaky laugh; his own emotions are swallowing him whole and you're the only thing holding him up. he watches your lips curl up and relief takes over. he melts into your touch and you guide him to your lips.

you hold him there for a moment – noses touching, breaths mingling together. "thank you."

a bear hug, a high-five, a burst of laughter. an ocean wave – intense, and a lot. freeing. the feeling washes over him and he lets himself sink into you. lips against lips, chests against chests, hearts against hearts; without parting from you, toji climbs onto the couch, resting his entire body on top of yours. you don't complain.

he breathes you in and you do the same. he leans to the right and you do the same. he keeps you close and you do the same. his hand kneads the soft flesh of your waist and your hand rakes through his still wet hair. it feels right. it is right.

toji scrambles to push the blanket from between your bodies, desperate to rid of the barrier that's keeping him from his beloved. his rough hands push your shirt up just enough to feel your skin against his. he sighs into your mouth and he feels you smile against him.

your hands clasp behind his neck, pulling him flush to you and you hook your leg over his hip. latched together, forged together.

"i love you." a murmur, accompanied by a kiss to the corner of your lips. he places another onto the curve of your jaw before hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

you turn your head and press your lips to his forehead. "i love you, too."

he's warm and his arms feel so good around you. he's heavy, borderline crushing you under him but you wouldn't have it any other way. you're also a breath away from falling off the couch but you know he wouldn't let you do that. not today at least.

right now, toji is determined to keep you safely in his arms until one of you is dying of hunger and thirst. absolutely nothing else will make him move – he just might let you piss your pants if it comes to that.

for the sake of love, of course.

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chasedeys · 3 months ago

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Who would you say is more feral about the other and who would you say is more protective between Joe and Ja’Marr ??feel free to give examples 😊

hiii i feel like a lot of people think ja’marr’s more feral about joe and a lot of blogs have panned out examples on how joe being just as if not more feral and i agree with both! it’s equal feralness, equal devotion, equal ‘can you both chill abt each other’ kind of way. this might be a cop out lmao but genuinely comparing actions vs words between these two is just mind melting for me so yeah they definitely don’t fuck around abt each other

i feel like all the feral moments have been mentioned 😭 joes natty game ball thrown straight at jamarr, the saints game lsu jersey that joe elected to wear for whatever reason, joe weighing in how he wants jamarr with him and bengals actually getting the guy for him, jamarr choosing to follow his college qb to ohio, the clothes saga of does joe actually let jamarr dress him up or does he not, the lakers date jamarr flew to save joes shit week, the he’s like a god to me comment, the ufc moves schtick which is a very barbara krugers you construct intricate rituals which allow you to touch the skin of other men kinda deal, jamarr going out of his way to fly to joe to be the one joe throws to for his fourth throwing session post wrist injury (insane btw :)), etc etc no but genuinely there’s so many more its crazy

and just like this one article that isn’t even really anything compared to the rest of their lore yk? but it just sticks to me so hard like wdym ‘i knew i was going to feed my guy he was due for one’ ‘he was excited all week’ oh ok were you enamored at how excited he was 😭 did u want to keep him happy and smiling and bouncing all around the place answer me joseph. joseph. what do you think of a happy ja’marr joseph. would you do anything in your power to keep him that way joseph or. but anyways!

‘all i can do is make him look good, he helps me look good. we make each other look good. just being there for him. that’s all i can do is be there for him’ WOULD YOU STOP???? where does he get these words jamarr chase shuttt your mouthhhh i swearrrr 😭 half the shit he says sounds like its from a 13 yo writing mafia aus for the first time and yet it hits!! every time!!!! girl learn some restraint (keep talking never stop etc)

they’re both equally protective of the other?? in a way that’s like ‘how dare you not perceive this man the way i perceive him and fault him for being who he is’

when joe—wrist in cast mind u—looked deadass ready to get down to business with someone chirping at ja’marr post kc game where ja’marr got into a fight with however many people are in that team. somebody who psychoanalyzes for a living should study jamarrs shit with the chiefs and how joe relates to that fr

ja’marr’s preseason drops where people shit on him so bad and joe couldn’t exactly cuss people out but he was sooo steadfast in his belief on jamarr barely flinching anytime someone mentions about it ‘i know the type of guy jamarr is, he’ll be ready game one’, unsmiling ‘i thought he was dropping everything’ doing the pinky shake as ja’marr was leaving his presscon seat right in front of all those reporters as an extra special fuck you that’s my guy sort of thing yk. the contract hold out people asking abt jamarr being game ready and him saying jamarr would be ready regardless (?) or something along those lines. the post kc game shove presser ahaha. to my knowledge joe never caters to anybody saying shit subtly or outrightly about jamarr and i live and breathe that shit i won’t lie

any of jamarrs twitter fights with literally anybody who shits on joe no matter if it was actual like hate or just casual opinions on who’s the better qb?? girl. honestly.

ja’marr being soooo health proactive about other people!! no but seriously he cares soooo much about injuries and everything—that one calf strain joe had preseason that he keeps saying to chill and sit back until game 5, ‘i told him don’t scare me like that again he knows how to slide he’s just hard headed’ looking deadass pissed off at the thought, ‘im here for the future, for him. i want you to be here for the future’, the stand back and look pretty in the pocket (insane. just fucking insane thing to say), saying hed rather have joe throwing from the back than running the ball in fact hed rather not joe get hit at all—just anything about joe playing through injuries and he lets out an insane quote that has people (rpf enjoyers: me) question if he ever pauses to think of the implications

and sorry brief jamarr focused word vomit: he also says the most important thing for malik nabers is to be healthy :(( he cares so much abt injuries over playing, he opted out playing his junior year during covid, etc but that week 4 (???) shoulder injury report that he keeps saying he’s fine even when the bandages peek through his shirt is so 😭 pls self reflect bub (though i guess it really was fine considering he went and did amazing that game so i feel he’s amazingly aware of his limits too?? his health vice is just shit diet ig)

and like idk if this is included in like the protective kind of way but that interview when they asked if joe was more intense and ja’marr went off saying he doesn’t look at joe the way you people do (and how he only looks at him on the field lol ok jamarr)—like he’s enraged that people nitpick on everything that joe presents himself as ‘the way yall be looking at him’ can somewhat equate to ‘yall are don’t know shit about him look away’ which is. ???? ok jamarr ok. like i feel he thinks he knows joe very well even if he doesn’t know everything that joes feeling no matter how many times reporters ask him for his insight, but he definitely feels like he knows joe a whole lot better than these outsiders who keep trying to over-analyze his quarterback but wrongly so he has to bite back sharp remarks over these misconceptions about joe via being overly defensive

theres probably more that i cant recall or not know sigh knowing that there are gems of joemarr moments i will never know because i wasnt here for their entire nfl run hurts me deeply btw

#ask #are u the same anon who asks me all those other questions i yap in reply to hehe #if so i love you very dearly and wish u joy and peace and love #if u aren’t i still love you dearly and wish u joy and peace and love #im sorry for not linking everything 😭 maybe i will later :’))#joe burrow #ja'marr chase #joemarr #joemarr meta

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