#i love the change god. what an asshole. actually i have thoughts hold on
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isat is the gift that keeps giving cause even a few months after playing i still find out about tiny little missable details that make me insane. such as the change god statue having like 10 different sprites that deal varying degrees of psychic damage
#i love the change god. what an asshole. actually i have thoughts hold on#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#I keep forgetting to tag everything with that. My bad
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Congratulations on the 600 followers!!!
Can I request a smut/NSFW drabble.. I'm thinking worst logan..
Neighbour(?) Reader got asked out as a joke and he finds her upset.. (plus size if possible if not no worriessss!!!!)
Love your work!!
And congrats again on all the followers that's AMAZING!!
warnings: SMUT, MINORS DNI, fem!reader, plus sized!reader, oral (f!receiving), dirty talk, logan low key has a thigh kink, pet names (princess and pretty girl)
600 follower drabble masterlist
wc: 1.3k
a/n: Worst logan my love. Also this is my first time writing explicitly plus sized so please let me know if I need to change anything!! I hope you like it <33 Also this turned into way more than a drabble lol.
Men really were the fucking worst. Actually the fucking worst. What reason could someone have to do something so cruel? For a joke? A laugh? To hurt someone so badly just for fun? You sat at the damn restaurant for an hour checking your phone.
When you finally did get ahold of that asshole he just laughed at you. Told you it was a joke, that he'd never seriously be into someone like you. Your eyes welled with tears but you refused to let them fall in public. God, you can still feel the stares of people around you. The whispers.
How sad, that poor girl.
Did you see her check her phone over and over again?
Don't stare, she probably already feels bad enough...
Their words stung more than that assholes. You aren't stupid, you know that you aren't stereotypically attractive. You don't match the girls in magazines.
But that doesn't mean you don't deserve basic human respect. You didn't even like the guy, in fact, based on his horrible personality you were really doing him a favor.
You angrily stomped up the stairs and through the hallway. You should feel bad about the noise but you just can't bring yourself to care. You slam your door closed and toss your things onto your couch. A knock on the door almost makes you scream. Whoever it was needs to take the hint.
"What." You say as you rip open your door.
"Oh. It's you." You say flatly.
Any other time you'd be thrilled to see your hot neighbor at your door but right now it felt like another reminder of your failed love life.
"What crawled up your ass? Could hear you muttering a mile away." He asks and you roll your eyes.
"Brought you a peace offering." He holds up a bottle of wine and you decide to let him in.
"You're a man Logan. Why are men such shallow assholes?" You take another sip.
"Date gone bad princess?"
"I wouldn't even call it a date." You swirl your drink around in the glass.
To admit what really happened feels embarrassing. Especially to Logan. You had a massive crush on the man. That started the minute you met him. Your nice but weird neighbor Wade introduced the two of you one night. The second you looked into those gorgeous eyes and shook his big hands it was over.
"Hello? You still there?" Logan waves his hand in front of your face and you snap out of your thoughts. Deciding this day couldn't get any worse so you might as well just tell him.
"I got stood up. Turns out he asked me out as a joke."
"What a fucking dick." Logan growls. His hand tightened around the beer can in his hand.
"He said he'd never be into someone like me." You say with a huff. Drinking the last of your wine.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
âCome on Logan, youâre a million years old you know what Iâm talking about.â You gesture to yourself and it seems to click in his head.
âSo what? Who fucking cares about that.â The can crushes under his intense grip the longer he thinks about it. You pour yourself more wine before answering him.
âApparently, most people do.âÂ
âWell, heâs an idiot. Anyone would be lucky to have you.â He sees you brush him off and it bothers him. Heâs not the kind of guy to lie to make you feel better. So why you donât believe him is beyond him. He sees things as they are.
âI know a beautiful woman when I see one princess.â He smirks as he inches closer to you.
Youâve been the subject of Loganâs wet dreams for a while now. Your sweet laugh and pretty face. The sinful things heâs thought about. Heâd feel ashamed but he knows youâve got the hots for him too. Your staring isnât as subtle as you think. Plus his super hearing allows for him to pick up on your moreâŚintimate moments. He doesnât mean to hear them, but he does.
âLoganâŚâ Your breath catches in your throat as he cages you into the couch. His strong arms are on full display for you as you shrink into the couch. Heâs got this feral grin on his face that both excites you and makes you nervous.
âOnly boys canât see past that bullshit. Iâm a man. A man who knows how to please a woman like you.â He purrs.
Are you dreaming? Is this really happening? His knee nudges its way between your legs. The rough material of his jeans rubs against your panties. The friction makes you squirm.
âYou gonna let me make you feel good pretty girl?â He whispers in your ear. His hand slips under your dress, fingers brushing over your clothed cunt. Teasing your skin with his touch.
âPlease fuck!â You gasp as you claw at his shirt.
He reaches and tears it to shreds. Your mouth waters as you see his back muscles stretching and bulging, free of any clothing to hide him away. Heâs a man on a mission as he lifts your dress up. His massive shoulders push your legs apart. You couldnât close them even if you wanted to, which you donât. He pulls your panties to the side and licks his lips.
âJust know sheâs ripe and sweet. All for me.â His claws peek out and your heartbeat quickens as the sharp metal cuts through the fabric of your underwear.
âThere we go.â He throws the scraps to the side and wraps his arms around your thighs. Hands digging into your soft skin. He squeezes your thighs and you hear a low purr coming from his throat.
âFuck!â You moan as Logan buries his face in your pussy. Thereâs no holding back as he laps like an animal feasting on its favorite treat.
âSo fucking sweet, god bury me in these thighs.â He mumbles.
His brain fogs with pleasure as he buries his tongue as far as it will go. Youâre trapped in feeling his every torturous move. His grip is bruisingly delicious.
âLogan logan fuck donât stop!â You tug hard on his hair as you grind your hips against his mouth. Youâre losing it in pleasure as his tongue flicks across your clit.
âThatâs what Iâm fucking talking about.â He lifts his head, eyes clouded with lust as he tilts his head back. Savoring the taste of you as he prepares to dive back in. Heâd die a happy man just to be suffocated between your beautiful thighs.
âStupid fucking boys, you donât need them right pretty girl? Not when you have me. Iâll make you come so hard youâll never think of anyone else again.â You nod along to whatever he is saying.
Your head is up in the clouds as he sucks on your clit. Determined to make you scream his name. His wish is granted as he relentlessly plays toys with your clit. His tongue works magic as he brings your orgasm crashing down.
âLogan!â Your eyes roll to the back of your head as you lose yourself in pleasure.
Your senses muddle together as whimpers tumble from your lips, body buzzing with a warm and fuzzy feeling. It doesnât last long as Logan refuses to let up. Working you into overstimulation until youâre pushing his head away weakly.
âToo much for you?â He licks his lips, a cocky smile on his face.
âNo, I just. Need a break.â You say breathlessly as you try and control your breathing.
Your eyes travel down his chest. Admiring his muscles and stupidly attractive arms. His cock is straining in his pants. You let out a small yelp as he picks you up effortlessly.
Man, you love his mutant strength. Logan gently places you on your bed. He toys with your dress as he resists the urge to rip it apart.
âWhat was that guy's name again?â He asks as he unbuckles his belt. You open your mouth to answer but he cuts you off. He didnât want an answer anyway.
âDoesnât matter, You wonât remember it by the time Iâm done with you.âÂ
#logan howlett#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett smut#logan howlett x you#600 followers#wolverine smut
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Someone nice, Somewhere safe
Angel x Virgin Female Reader
ŕŞââ´ Angel x Virgin Male Reader - Someone nice, somewhere safe*
*same story, just your bits and bobbles are changedÂ
You let it slip to the group you were a virgin, and instead of laughing, Angel grabs you before bed to offer a friendly hand.
.<Warnings/Promises: Angel Dust x Virgin Female!Reader, smut, fingering, lubed to the gods, Angel uses four arms, Valentino is a blind bag of smashed assholes, creampie, oral, the gentlest sex Iâve ever written (probably), an alarming towel>
listen here virgins, if I could craft a perfect first time for you, this is it. Minus the lack of condoms becauseâitâs hell? Sex workers are tested bi-weekly?? This is still a fantasy??? Just if anything, please take from this the importance of a safe and trusting environment at all times đ Â
minor dni (shoo! get outta here! Go on, git! đ§š)
You thought everyone would laugh when you said you were a virgin. The group aweâd and said it was cute, which was definitely better than the response youâd gotten in the overworld. But when you said youâd never actually orgasmed before, everyone just looked⌠sad? The conversation was quickly derailed by Angel launching into a list of wildest orgasm faces heâs seen, Charlie leaving the room entirely.
Continuing with the eveningâs theme of surprise, you hadnât expected Angel to catch up to you when everyone was filing off to bed. His hand gently reached for your wrist, âHey ya got a sec?â
 For Angel, the epitome of smiling through the pain, youâd give him the remainder of your time in hell if he just asked. Every second, his.âAlways!â
âSo uhâ, he rubbed the back of his neck, âabout beinâ a virgin and all that.â Your stomach dropped, was the famous porn star about to embarrass you into a second death?âI think itâs real important that likeâ knowinâ yourself, and what makes you feel good is like super healthy. I dunno if you are interested in that kinda stuff but,â he was wildly moving his hands round, nervously stumbling over his words, âIâd be happy to help ya out.â
All of the blood rushed to your face.
âOh fuck!â Angel grabbed your head and tipped it forward, âI would have accepted a simple no, jesus!â With one hand pinching your nose, he led you into his room just down the hall.Â
Whatâ what was happening, exactly? At all? In general? With your entire existence?
He kicked the door closed behind him and grabbed a handful of tissues, âKeep your head forward. Everyone who says tilt it back is an idiot.â
His hand was red when he drew it from your face, using his other hand to now hold tissues between his fingers as he pinched your nose shut.
âIs- is my nose bleeding??â Your voice cracked.
âDoes that happen often?â
âNever.â
âWell I got to help you with at least one first, right?â Angel laughed, moving his hands away as you took over the task.
Oh, right. The offer. You glanced around the room, small but lived-in. Everything was pink and purple and soft.
âAngel, do you think because youâre a sex worker, you have to help me?â The room fell silent. Angel completely still beside you. You would love someone you could trust to take your virginity, but you would never want to use Angel like so many other people did on a daily basis.
âYa knowâ a lot of people get real confused about this.â He sighed, chest heavy with the many misconceptions others had, âWhat I do for work, what I gotta do to get through the day, has nothinâ to do with who I am as a person.â You turned to look at him, âWhy should I limit my experiences because of what other people have done to me?â The words hit you like a truck. You had unintentionally boxed him into his job, in turn into his trauma, summing him up as a warm body and incapable of any depth past that. Just a sex worker.
âNo, no I didnât mean anything like that. I just, I donât want to ever,â you grabbed two of his hands, âever take advantage of your kindness.â You squeezed, âor any part of you.â
His frown turned up, âWeâre dead, yea, but you still exist. If you want to, you should enjoy every part of your afterlife. And Iâd hate you to meet some asshole whoâs too rough or doesnât get ya warmed up first. A bad first time can be really traumatizinâ.â
You nodded without actually thinking. Your brain wasnât really processing meaning, his words were just soft and kind and your nose still stuffed full of tissue.
âDo you wanna?â
You nodded more vigorously, âDid my nose start bleeding again?â
Angel took the tissue away, giving a second to see, âNope.â
Taking a deep breath, you said, âOkay. Yeah, I want that. Someone nice, somewhere safe.â
âIt ainât quite nice but-,â Angel looked around his room.
âItâs perfect, Angel.â
âAw fuck, I should clean up,â he hurriedly carried trash from his nightstand, flattening out the comforter and adjusting his pillows. He placed fat nuggets on the floor with a little pat on the head.
Finally, he stood in front of you, two hands on his hips, two gesturing to you.
âAlright baby! Letâs pop some cherries! Undress~â he elongated the word, shimmying his hips a little, â-to your comfort level.â He began to unbutton his blazer, âBare minimum, take off your pants and underwear, please and thank you. Though I have fucked through underwearâŚâ He was momentarily lost in a memory.
You hadnât anticipated getting naked in front of a friend tonight. But Angel so effortlessly shed his clothes, peeling off his gloves. Pulling off your pants, you paused.
âIs it weird if I keep my shirt on? Likeâ do you know who Winnie the Pooh is?â
âNothinâ weird about beinâ comfortable, pookie.â He pinched your cheek, âIâd offer a modesty blanket but I kinda need to see what Iâm doing.â His eyes flitted to the left, âNo, wanna. I wanna see.â Angelâs laugh relaxed you, the idea of anyone wanting to see you made you feel a little lessâ-naked. Still, your hands seemed frozen on your underwearâs edge.
With a hum, he disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a towel. âGo on, lie down. Iâll help ya relax. This is already feeling too medical-like.â
Were you going to need a towel? Were you going to need a towel?? Were you going to need a towel!?
You sat back on his bed, and when he crawled up to meet you, all legs and arms and Angel Dust, you buried your face in your hands.
âOh heyâ,â his voice was so soft, lacking its usual sass, âWanna just, cuddle and watch stupid shit on my phone?â You groaned, face sinking further down. This would be easier if he wasnât so sweet. You could at least take a backseat, then.
You shook your head, and felt his hand on your ankle. It snaked up your calf, slipped down your knee and thigh, finding the waistband of your underwear. When you looked up from your hiding place, Angel was a foot from your face. His features lit only by the purple neon signs hanging beside his bed and near the door. He lifted his brows, a question he didnât need to vocalize. You sank back into the purple and pink pillows, different sizes, different textures, gently enveloping you.
With two hands now, he slide off your underwear. You might die, again. Your heart would give out any second, incapable of handling the moment. You were manually breathing.
He lifted your hips with two hands, a third sliding the towel beneath you before setting you back down.
âDo ya-,â he was rummaging now inside the nightstand drawer, ânot play with yourself? Ever?â
âNot really. Not like, there.â
âWhaddya do with all your free time?â His short but enthusiastic laughter forced a smile to your cheeks. Angel slid the drawer shut and came to rest in front of your tightly shut thighs and knees. You heard a cap pop, and found the courage to sit up and see what he was doing.
âWhat?â He squeezed a clear, thick lubricant onto his right hand, âNerves can make holes dry like nothinâ else. No fun for no one, trust me. Could start a fuckinâ fireâ- and spit ainât lube!â Angel said it like he spoke from a personal experience.
Ah, the towel. That made sense now.
âShould I do something?â
âJust lie back, baby~,â he opened your knees and followed your face as you settled back down, âDo you like kissinâ?â
Youâd kiss a trashcan if Angel said it got him hot, so, âYeah.â
âGood,â One hand touched your cheek, sliding to your chin as he brought your lips to his. You thought youâd melt, his hands so soft on you, lips confident and sure. He used his thumb on your chin to pull down your bottom lip and ask you for entrance. When you opened up to him, his tongue slid into yours as his sticky wet hand finally came into contact between your legs. Two fingers rubbing the lube up and a down your pussy.
You nearly inhaled him with your shock, he giggled into it, âYouâre so cute.â You twitched under his hand, âOoh, and reactive! Daddy likes.â
Stop. Stop talking. Iâm going to black out.
His mouth returned to yours, tongue over your tongue, as his fingers just massaged your entrance. No attempt at entering, no prodding, just gentle up and down motions. Slowly, your felt your skin heating beneath his hand, the lubricant somewhat melting with your warmth.
At work, Angel was never the lead. Never the top, and never afforded time to ease anyone open. He had no issues with sleeping with women, it was just usually for money or a shoot. Not his preferred flavor, but he could still get it up. Watching you sigh and twitch under him felt like a treat. Such a sweet response to what so many people made unnecessarily dirty at work. He wasnât shocked to find his cock twitching, swelling as your breathing hitched with every stroke of his hand. When was the last time he could just⌠slow down? Be the one in control? Not control like Val, control likeâ- can I get you a pillow? Is the pacing good? Letâs soften these lights. Hold my hand, sweetheart.
His head felt a little dizzy. His middle finger pressed now, and with a slow but constant motion entered you. âUncomfortableâ was the best word. Your body tensed around him, but he gently pressed passed your virgin walls. He hummed, âFirst one down! Atleast,â he paused, âtwo more to go.â
âAtleast??â You shook your head.
âItâs sex math, trust the professional in the room.â He withdrew the finger and slid it back in, starting a slow pace of long drags from knuckle to fingertip.
It didnât hurt, to his credit. The excitement of having Angel touching you so intimately made the finger easier to relax into. Angel must have noticed, his finger leaving you. He popped the top again of his lube and pressed in two fingers. This was harder. You whined, his fingertips pushing past the tight entrance of your cunt and settling into the wet warmth behind.
Lying on your back, you stared at the now upside-down photos behind his bed. He looked so happy. Could you join that wall? Was this wall worthy?
âYou still good?â He leaned over you, fingers moving.
You nodded, âCan I have another kiss?â
Ah, you might as well have punched him in the chest. âOf course, darlinâ~ Ask and you shall receive.â You liked kissing, genuinely, but were always scared youâd kiss someone too long and end up in an awkward situation having to explain you werenât wanting sex. But that fear was all gone, youâd broken the code. Get naked first, then kiss.
You smiled into his mouth, and he smiled back, âWhatcha thinkinâ about?â
âI like kissing you.â You leaned up, pressing your lips to his chin. His fingers quickened, and you moaned without warning. You felt your self grip his finger, nervousness slinking away and finally letting you feel aroused.
âOoh, now weâre gettinâ somewhere,â he leaned back, repeating the same steps and trying to press a third finger into you. His abundance of hands were a blessing, one at your entrance, one on your knee to keep your shaking legs open, and two roaming down the sides of your body. When three fingers finally entered, you could feel the burning stretch of your skin around them. He pushed in, and the skin followed. He pulled out, your sensitive hole pulling too. The hand on your knee came to your crotch, his palm pressing lightly down on your clit. You glanced up to him, his eyes focused as he watched his fingers slowly drag in and out of you. It burned still, but just past that burning was a slippery sensation that made your lap warm with the rush of blood.
He let his fingers sink in entirely, before bending and feeling inside you. Your knee jumped when he hit something.
âBingo! Say hello to your g-spot.â He beamed down at you, gold tooth shining, âNot everyone needs it to cum but oooh boooy does it maximize pleasure,â it sounded so pornographic when he said it.
You weakly copied, âB-bingo.âÂ
âThree fingers means I can do this now~â he replaced his palm with his fingers, sticky with lube. His long digits were fast and practiced as he rubbed your clit. âSex math. Dont need your virgin pussy locking up on me.â He said quietly to himself, fingers in and out of you picking up speed. Your head was pressing into the pillows as your neck strained, youâd never masturbated while someone, something, penetrated you. Every stroke of his fingers made your body spasm, the feeling of something hard and unforgiving pushing back against your quivering walls made a pleasure you couldnât describe.
âFeelinâ good yet?â The way he said it, he knew damn well how you were feeling.
You whimpered into one of the pillows, âYeah, itâs starting to feel good.â A weak nod.
Angelâs grin bordered on wicked, hand slowing. He leaned down and placed a kiss on your clit. Then another. His tongue flattened against his bottom lip as he dragged it over your sensitive bud of nerves.
You moaned, a half spoken-half cried, âOh fuck, Angel-.â Hips bucking up, his fingers kept their place and followed. You humped up against his tongue, ground down into his fingers; up, down. Soft tongue, rigid fingers.
âLike that? Watch this,â He cupped his mouth over your clit and began strumming it with his tongue. Fat and flat, then thin and sharp. His fingers slowed, now just bending to hit your soft g-spot again and again.Â
One hand held tightly to the pillow, the other coming to Angelâs hair. Your body kept jumping away from overstimulation but you fought against it every time and tried to grind against his face.
He lifted his mouth off you with a deliberate pop, âFeelinâ good?â You nodded, eyes closed. âReady for the real thing?â
âYeah. I want to feel more, Angel.â It came out as more of a whine than you meant.
His hand came to his erection, red and leaking. Stroking himself, he returned to massaging at your entrance, fingers dipping in then out.
âYou comfortable with getting on your knees? This position ainât so conducive for what Iâm tryinâ to do.â
Somehow, ass up sounded better than face to face, âYouâre the expert.â You rolled onto your stomach, hips up, face resting into the sea of pillows. You paused, lifted off your now sweaty shirt, and got back into position.Â
âSexpert, but thank you!â The lid popped open again, cold and viscous lube being dripped directly onto pussy, âFinally some recognition around here.â He coated himself with what was still on his hands, and raised your hips to line himself up.
âDeep breaths, okay?â He leaned over your back, kisses falling down your skin. Two hands held your hips, one guided himself into you. You tensed when his head began to push in, âRelaaax, just like the fingers.â
A muffled, âokayâ from your place in the pile. Your heart was suddenly racing, the tight coil of pleasure his mouth summoned now gone. He wiped his dick up and down your folds, swiping past your entrance. Lining up, he pushed in, getting his head firmly sunk into you.
âBreath, baby,â he moaned into your shoulder. You took a deep breath in, your body tight still. But, it didnât hurt like youâd thought. It burned, but there was no sting, no tearing. Angelâs hands ran up and down your sides, along you ass and thighs. He gently touched everywhere he could reach, until he felt you soften, âReady to keep going?â
âYes pleaseâ, you turned your head to look at him.
He pulled out slightly to collect more lube on his shaft, before slowly sinking into you until he bottomed out.
You were gasping, your brain misfiring. You couldnât feel anything but him, your body just a formless thought with Angelâs warm, solid cock reaching deeper into than you thought possible. One roaming hand reached for your shoulder, âCan I move?â
âSlow,â your hand searched for a loose fold of comforter to grip, but it was soon encased and intertwined by one of his.
He pulled out, and slowly thrust back in. A saccharine moan fell from his mouth, and it made you whimper.Â
You were so soft around him, yet gripping him so snuggly he felt like he was melting into your walls. His breath was unsteady, âYou feel so good on my cock, baby.â A burning blush took over your face, a rush of pleasure electrifying your clit.
âHow ya doinâ?â Angel sounded nervous, timid.
You had to collect saliva to get any words out, mouth running dry from panting, âSâgood.â You tried again, âSo good.â Your fingers tightened around his.
He adjusted his hips, watching you closely. When your eyes closed and your hand nearly broke his, he grinned down, âBingo~,â his speed began to pick up.Â
âRight there,â you whimpered, âplease donât stop, right there Angel.â You dragged out the last syllable of his name. You could feel a pressure building in your lower stomach.Â
Angel took languid thrusts out to the tip and pushing back past your still resisting entrance. Every time he pulled out and slipped in felt better than before. The sensations of him opening you around his cock again and again had your stomach and thighs tensing. You brought your hand up to press at your clit, finger frantically moving. You felt something building, you were desperate to reach its climax.
Angelâs hand came down and pushed yours aside, his fingers strong and not shaking with your impending orgasm.Â
âAlmost- Angel pleeeease! Donât stop- keepââ You squeezed his hand tighter, his thrusts becoming faster and shallower. His repeated pressing of your g-spot pushed you over the edge, hand slowing only slightly.
"You can do it, baby. Come on. Almost there~" His words fell apart in his mouth, his own moans getting louder, your cunt tightening in spasms as your first orgasm tore through you. Your body was so inviting, warm walls sucking his head deeper. He rarely got to feel this sensation, barely ever chosen as the one doing the fucking, let alone fucking a woman. His head rested against your back, hands running along the curve of your hips as he melted into your sweet heat.
He picked up speed, only drawing out an inch or so now with each thrust. The lube made a pop and squelch every time his skin pulled from yours, the sound making his legs weak.
âWhere can I cum?â His breath was raspy, messy with the pleasure of your soft insides rubbing along his shaft. You gripped the blanket, orgasm still rolling from the feeling of Angel chasing his release with your body. You could hear the strain in his voice, âGonna need an answer real fast, babe.â You hid your face in the pillow mountain again, embarrassed to answer.
âInside,â you tried to say it loudly enough for him to hear.
He whimpered a, âFuuuuckâ down your spine, âSuch a dirty little virgin.â His hips stuttered before he sunk into you with such force your legs gave out. Your body came down flush onto the bed. Angel was pressed into you, chest against your back as his breathing calmed. You could feel his heart through your ribs, his chest fluff silky on your skin. Your body was warm, his hot cum filling you.
Small, lazy kisses on your back, then up your neck, he leaned to kiss your cheek. He slid out of you delicately, but you didnât move. His weight left the bed, then returned as a warm, wet cloth wiped you clean. After a couple of minutes of gentle cleaning, you felt the throw blanket cover your back. Angel plopped down on his back beside you, pulling the blanket over his legs and unlocking his phone, âWanna see this fuckinâ hilarious video of my boss runninâ into a glass wall?â
You chuckled, âMore than anything.â He side eyed you, âWell, not anything.â
âRight answer, toots,â One of his hands came down and settled on your hair, he leaned in to your head and as you watched Valentino collide head first into a wall, he said softly, âLet me know if you need anything. I got a bitchinâ tub in there.â
You hummed, reaching a shakey hand up and pressing âreplayâ on his phone. Angelâs laughter echoed off the walls, and you decided you had no plans on leaving bed anytime soon.
ŕźťMasterlistŕźş
#Angel x reader smut#angel dust x reader#angel dust x reader smut#angel x reader#hazbin hotel fanfiction#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel smut#fanfiction#hazbin hotel x reader#angel hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel angel#angel dust#hazbinhotel#hazbin angel dust#hazbin#smut fanfiction#smut writing#x you#x reader#reader insert#reader fic
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All he asked for was you
Tate Langdon x female!reader
Summary: Tate loves you too much. He would do anything for you, to keep you by his side, to make you love him forever. He would cross any line to make you his, it doesn't matter how evil it is... But was it really worth it?
Genre: ANGST!! and some smut
Word count: 5,104
Warnings: Obsessive, stalkish and violent behavior, implicit toxic relationship; mentions of weapons, murder, mental health issues, family issues, school shooting; use of Y/N, swearing, cunnilingus, fingering, unprotected p in v. (i hope i'm not missing any...) NOT PROOFREAD !!
A/N: English isn't my first language!! Sorry if I have some mistakes and if Tate's a bit ooc (i tried to keep him in character as much as i could). I wasn't sure (and still not) if this is good but I spent days writing it, so I had to post it.
A small playlist with songs that inspired me for this: monster by meg and dia, pacify her by melanie martinez, all i want is you by rebzyyx, skyfall by adele, psycho by doko, paparazzi by lady gaga, dark red by steve lacy.
â â â â â â â â â â â â â â ŕ˝ŕ˝˛ ⥠ŕ˝ŕž
Tate never believed in love, nor was he a romantic one.Â
In fact, he despised it. How could he even believe in that feeling when he never felt loved by his own mother? At least thatâs what he pretended.
The blond always had the facade of a tough guy, although he couldnât fool anyone. Constance knew well he was a sensitive boy. Probably the most crybaby ever to exist⌠And the most unstable one.
Now he was here. His chest going up and down, breathing shallow and fast. His eyes were darting around the room, looking for something or perhaps someone. Some silly tears were rolling down his cheeks while he anxiously fidgeted with a ring on his finger. The clock on the wall continued its tick-tack. The time kept running. His heart kept beating. It was getting late.
He refused to look at the wooden floor. He didnât want to accept reality. If Tate did that, he would feel like the biggest monster on Earth.
Nevertheless, he couldnât stay like this.
He had to do something real fast.
Today, 18:40
You were supposed to arrive at 19:00.
But he remained there, next to the corpse of his rival. A bloody ax beside the dead manâs bleeding head.
Whom he thought was his worst enemy, was someone really dear to you.
Well, Tate fervently believed this was something justified. He couldnât stand that fucking asshole anymore! That scumbag needed to be put back in his place. And Tate only did that. Furthermore, he actually helped him. He took him away from this shitty world. It was a favor.
He had already killed his motherâs boyfriend, so why was he feeling guilty?
Maybe because his victim was special to you. Because his death would hurt you. And Langdon swore to God he would never let anybody or anything hurt you, including himself.
He loved you.
He wanted to be the one to hold your hand forever.
Tate snapped back to the present and frowned. He picked up the weapon, putting it in his backpack. He didnât even mind cleaning it. Then, he proceeded to knelt right next to the lifeless dude and cleaned the blood surrounding his body; afterwards, he dragged him to the basement andâŚ
19:00
A knock on the door.
You arrived.
âDAMN IT!âÂ
He left his dead foe lying limp on the cold basement ground and quickly ran upstairs, straight to his room. He also left the backpack there.
Tate spent the last twenty minutes cleaning the mess he made in the living room after he atrociously smashed your friendâs head, forgetting that had poor time to get ready.Â
He desperately looked for clean clothes, scrambling the entire closet in search of fresh garments while he cussed at himself, at his mother, at that freaking boy, at the entire world but you.
Finally he found some jeans and a striped shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror after changing and cleaned the tiny drops of blood that stayed on his face and hands. He never realized he left the bloody clothing on the bed.
Another knock.
19:07
Tate opened the door, immediately throwing himself at you and giving you one of the warmest hugs. His demeanor with you was completely different; you were the only creature capable of changing his fucked up mind into something more beautiful, more peaceful. The issue was that it only happened when he was with you, otherwise he would be aggressive and rude as usual.
You got the best of him.Â
âMissed you so fuckinâ much, babeâŚâ Voice muffled since his face was buried in the crook of your neck. Tate always did the same thing; clinging onto you like a small koala would.
âHeh, me too, hun!â You spoke with the same soothing voice he adored. Tate giggled and placed a tender kiss on your jawline, then another, and another, and another.
Soon enough, he was peppering kisses all over your neck, making you moan softly. Oh those sounds. He could hear you melting under his touch, his embrace, for the rest of eternity.
He loved making you squirm, making you laugh, making you feel loved.
He was way too sweet.
Only if you knew.
Four weeks before todayâŚ
Tate has always had the bad habit of stalking you. Yeah⌠He wasnât proud of it. But can you blame him? Heâs constantly afraid of you leaving him. He wanted to make sure you never did so⌠Otherwise he would die. Literally.
Donât ask how he would die. You already know the answer.
You two were supposed to have a date, albeit you had to cancel your meeting.
And that, of course, made him overthink. It didnât matter how many times you told him you were going to study; he felt betrayed, as if you were rejecting him. And Tate hated and feared rejection to the bone.
âPretty please? Please, Y/N! I donât wanna go home early, momâs gonna be there and-andââ
âTate, I canât skip this. I have like, a test every day next week and I must study. I donât wanna fail. Please, sweetie. I promise Iâll make it up to yaâ, mhm?âÂ
He rolled his eyes and whined, almost throwing a tantrum. He didnât try to manipulate you on purpose. It came out naturally. âBut I need you, Y/N! Why do you always do the same, huh? Am I not that important? Donât you love me any longer?â
His childish crying continued for a couple of minutes, until it stopped and the blond agreed a deal with you.
You thought he was calm now, but no. How naive.
You went to the library to study as you said⌠Without noticing he followed you.
Quietly, he got into that maze of books after you and hid behind some shelves.
Tate noticed you sat on an empty table. Thank God. Oh?
Who. Is. He.
A man Tate didnât know sat next to you. Really close. Too close for Tateâs liking. He tried to think he was a stranger, that he wasnât going to talk to you⌠He was wrong.
He clenched his hands into a ball when he saw that idiot talking to you, and the worst part was that you followed suit. It seemed you two were friends or something.
How DARE YOU talk to another man? No, how dare you talk to another HUMAN BEING!?
Tate was insecure 24/7.
If you werenât there, Tate was falling apart. It was simple.
No Y/N, no happy Tate. Was it too hard to understand?
Three weeks before todayâŚ
It was Friday. Tate was impatiently waiting for you outside the campus, hanging a small bouquet of flowers he picked up.
Once he spotted you coming out from the building, he waved his hand and embraced you tightly once you were in front of him. He gave you the adorable present.
âTate!â
âHow did you do? Did you pass your tests? Donât tell me, Iâm sure you did.â Said, grinning from ear to ear. He was away from you for an entire week. How did he survive? He didnât know, but he was glad to have you with him again. âTell me about your life in the last days, baby. Please? I feel like I havenât seen you in years!â
There he was, the one and only drama queen Tate Langdon.
You talked about the tests, about how the teachers were being a pain in the ass (which clearly triggered in him the intense desire of hurting them because they stressed you), and⌠About a guy. The same guy from the library, with whom you spent the entire last week studying. He couldnât stand it. He saw him as a threat to your relationship, especially since he was an old friend that you met many years ago.Â
As the days went by, you gave him more reasons to hate that jerk. Why? Well of course because you spent hours at the library doing homework or studying with him. Or even hanging out with him and other people.
In reality, you went out with him to a museum just once, and then skating with other colleagues. Nothing compared to the time you spent with Tate; in a week, you would hang out with him almost daily, and if you were way too busy, he would go to your place and spend the night there. He was so attached to you to the point he had to see you at least once a day. And thatâs why he was so jealous of your friend. Tate couldnât stand the idea of you sharing your life with someone else who wasnât him or your family⌠And he also got jealous of them, but he was handling it.
Two weeks before today.
After Tateâs pleas, you decided to introduce your friend to him.
Probably a big mistake.
The date was really awkward; your friend tried being nice, and Tate acted surprisingly kind. Of course it was odd; usually, he despised all of your friends and treated them badly, yet this time was different. You were stunned, however, you tried to ignore it and instead got happy as he finally accepted a random person as your buddy.Â
Still and all, he hated that moron. It didnât matter how much he tried liking your pal, he was jealous of him. He was getting on his nerves. He denied the fact that you had more love for other people that wasnât him. Tate desired being your only one. Your number one. Your entire world. Because thatâs what you were for him. And he was willing to do whatever to keep you with him.
Tate exchanged numbers with him and meticulously plotted a plan to ascertain he would never talk to you ever again. At first, it came out as a simple âIâm gonna scare the shit outta himâ, nonetheless, it turned into a darker idea, very likely involving physical violence.
One week before todayâŚ
The last few days, Tate won Peterâs trust. Ah yes. Thatâs your friend's name. You were glad that he finally opened his warm heart and began to meet more people besides you.
You thought he needed a friend, an empathetic person who could support the blond when you werenât available, that way he would feel less lonely and depressed.
They went to the cinema, to the arcade, even to a music store. Everything was going according to what he planned.
Eventually, he invited Peter to his place to play chess and other board games on a Sunday afternoon, before you arrived and had a date with Tate due to your anniversary.Â
Today, 16:00
Peter and Tate were eating pizza and having a great noon, talking about their lives and random stuff, like school and music. They both enjoyed Nirvana, and since Peter played the guitar, he agreed on teaching your boy how to.
If it werenât for Tateâs twisted mind, they wouldâve been best friends.
The guitarist wasnât a bad guy. He was a great buddy that really appreciated you and the crybaby, but Langdon had something else in mind.
18:00
The men watched a movie. Tate didnât even know its name; in fact, he didnât even pay attention to it. Instead, he was focused on his next actions, plotting them carefully.
âCrap, momâs gonna arrive soonâŚâ Tate mumbled with annoyance, biting his nails and tapping his foot on the floor. He was lying. You were going to arrive, not Constance.
âDamn, bro. Well, I donât have a problem. I wanna meet her.â
âHuh? No no no, you shouldnât. That bitch is crazy.â
Peter scoffed, disagreeing with Tateâs rude manner to call his own momma.
âHey, you shouldnât talk like that. I bet she loves you!â
That pissed him off. âYou donât know anything, Peter. Your family is different. Your lifeâs different. You wonât understand!â He yelled, standing up from the couch and now pacing around the room, trying to keep it calm.
âDude, calm down!
âNO! I fucking wonât!â
The screaming continued for a while. Tate revealed his unstable and crystal self. Even something so insignificant could drive him to the edge, like what happened today. That definitely surprised the other one, who used to think that Tate was a sweet boy. âI dunno why Y/N is dating you.â
âWhat did you say?â Tate abruptly stopped pacing.
âY/N. Y/N doesnât deserve you.â
âWHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT!?â He pounced on Peter, gripping his neck with one rough hand, applying enough pressure on the sides to stop the blood circulation in his carotids and make him lose consciousness.
Before passing out, Peter, getting pale, managed to croak out: âBecause she deserves betterâŚâ
Soon enough, he fainted, giving Tate minutes to think about what else to do.Â
Your boyfriend wasnât planning on murdering Peter today. No, he didnât have time. He also was supposed to meet you.. But this was the perfect excuse! And not only that; he indirectly admitted he was in love with you! Or thatâs what Tate interpreted with his delusional point of view.
Peter didnât feel anything romantic for you, he was just worried Tate might be too unhinged to be your partner.
Thus, he went to his room and grabbed his backpack. Then, went to the garden shed and picked up the ax that belonged to his father, and a bottle of lye.
He had to get the job done quickly, nevertheless, he lost track of time.
18:30
Tate came back to the living room, just to notice that Peter wasnât there anymore.
âFUCK IT!â Langdon got nervous. What if he escaped? What if he told you that Tate was crazy? He couldnât allow this, not at all.
Thankfully, or maybe not, Tate found Peter crawling towards the front door, the poor dude still feeling dizzy after being choked.
Tate didnât have any mercy.
âWhere do you think youâre going, lilâ piece of shit!?â
18:38
Tate finally did it. He brutally murdered Peter, smashing his head several times with the ax.
He got rid of that little issue. He took him to somewhere clean.
Once he assured the other man wasnât breathing, he dropped the weapon on the floor, making a loud metallic thud.
19:10
Tate was pinning you down on the couch, the same couch where your dead friend was sitting just an hour ago.
His hands were traveling all along your body, tracing sweet patterns on your skin.
Eventually, his fingers were clumsily pulling down your panties, not minding to take off your skirt. âDid you bring this for easy access, baby?â Tate chuckled and buried his face between your legs, holding your thighs in place; his lips plastered messy kisses over the warm flesh, biting it and leaving tiny marks after sucking.
Your reaction was alluring to him; he enjoyed listening to your pleas, to your whimpers. If it was for him, he would spend the entire day making you cum over and over again.
He finally got rid of your underwear, tossing it aside. Without further ado, the boy spread your folds with his large digits, and continued to lick your throbbing wet cunt.
âSo fucking pretty⌠So wet for me, huh?â
His tongue lapped your small clit two or three times, then, traced a zigzag and circles on the sensitive nub. While he devoured you, he inserted his middle and ring finger, pumping them in and out of your cute hole, curling them and hitting the right spot to make you feel butterflies.
Tate could feel his arousal growing; his erection being restrained by the tight fabric of his jeans. He was desperate, yeah. But he always put you in the first place, and that included pleasuring you before him.
After a while, he replaced his fingers with his tongue, fucking your pussy with the agile muscle and now rubbing your clit with his thumb, applying pressure that sent electric waves through your body. He stopped using his tongue on you and instead looked at that stunning face of yours. He was delighted with your flushed cheeks, with every single gesture you did, with the way your eyes rolled to the back of your head. He wanted to take a picture of you to remember this moment forever.
His thumb increased the pace, while his free hand lifted up your blouse and tried to undo your bra. He couldnât. You giggled when he groaned in frustration; he was too horny to think straight and thatâs why you helped him to take off the garment.
Tate sighed and after that awkward and funny moment, he kept rubbing your bud, using your own juices and his saliva as a lubricant, intensifying the sensation. His left pinched and pulled your nipple, making you gasp and twitch beneath him, whilst his mouth abused your other one, greedily sucking on it.
âTate, âm gonna cum! I-â
Tate cut you off by kissing you harshly; his tongue invading your warm mouth, exploring it and then nibbling your bottom lip until it bleeded. He licked the tiny drops of blood, savoring the metallic taste of it.
Unable to hold on any longer, you reached your orgasm, coming undone while Tate kept caressing your pussy, decreasing the velocity while you finally calmed down.
He left you panting; your heart beating so fast just like his.
You tried to sit up on the couch, breathing deep for more air, but the blond prevented you from going away.
âWhere do you think youâre doing? Weâre not done yet, youâre gonna cum again!â
Tate carried you bridal style and went upstairs straight to his bedroom. He threw you on the bed.
Without stopping looking at you, he unbuckled his belt and pulled down his jeans along the boxers; his dick already erect and throbbing, the veins thick and the tip leaking precum.
Using the clear liquid as lube, he stroked his shaft for a while, jerking off to the sight of you. He groaned and whimpered, closing his eyes as his hand pumped himself.
One of your hands went to your breasts, massaging them softly as your right went down between your legs, slowly teasing your womanhood and coating your index finger with your arousal, using it to rub your aching bundle of nerves.
Tateâs dark room was now filled with both of your moans; Tate calling your name several times and you begging him to fuck you.
He couldnât stand this anymore. He NEEDED to be inside you, to feel your warmth enveloping him. âOn all fours. Now.â You immediately obeyed, feeling as eager as him.
âLook at me, mhm?â He positioned behind you and rubbed the tip against your wet folds, teasing you for a bit. Afterwards, he slowly entered his cock inside your slit, moving it slowly at first. His thumb went to your clitoris, toying with it just like minutes before. He picked up the pace and fucked you fast and hard; his cockhead brushing your cervix. Grabbing a fistful of your hair, Tate pulled your head towards him, still with the deep thrusting. âFuck, Y/N! Youâre so pretty⌠So fucking precious, so fucking mine!â Moaned against your ear, voice raspy and agitated.
Panting, you stopped looking at him and instead looked to the bed. Why? Who knows, but you did it. And you saw Tateâs dirty clothes. Dirty with blood. A lot of blood.
You froze. Maybe it was red paint?Â
âU-uh, Tate?â You muttered, feeling already bewildered by the sight. You tried not to jump into conclusions, although you knew Tate and he has always been⌠Secretive.. And aggressive, of course.Â
After your boyfriend heard your shaky whisper, he stopped moving, even if he wanted to keep going. âHm?â
âWhatâs this?â Tate sighed and pulled out from you, not understanding what you meant.Â
âWhatâs what?â
Without saying anything else to him, you grabbed the shirt and touched the weird stain. It was still fresh. You took your fingers to your mouth to taste it; and the metallic tang was too obvious. âTate, what the fuck is this!?â
You threw it at him. Freaked out, you stood up and picked up your clothes, putting them on again, all meanwhile Tate connected the dots and realized he was probably going to get caught.
âWait, Y/N! Itâs not what it looks like, I swear, damn it!â He yelled and grabbed your arm, not wanting you to leave like this. He had to save his reputation, he couldnât let you think bad of him even if you had all the right. Because, why the fuck the fabric was soaked in blood?
âThen what is it, Tate? WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MUCH BLOOD!?â
âCALM DOWN, PLEASE!âÂ
You attempted to get away from his grip, struggling with him until, somehow, you managed to do so. However, you tripped with his dirty shoes and fell, realizing they were also stained with the red liquid. âTate, whatâŚ? Why? What is this?â
âNothing, I swear!â He didnât have any excuses. Saying it was paint wouldâve been lame. You were too smart and he knew lying wasnât a good choice.
Feeling overwhelmed with the matter, you went downstairs, walking as fast as you could. Passing through the living room, a very familiar bag caught your eye. It was definitely Peterâs. You decided to grab it and realized it had his phone inside. Something was off.
Tate was standing behind you; fists clenched and heart beating like crazy. He tried to approach you, still thinking about what to do or what to say.Â
âTate⌠What is this doing here? Peterâs here?âÂ
âHuh? Yeah⌠Heâ He came earlier and had to go soon, he left this accidentally, yupâŚâ You could see him fidgeting with that ring on his finger, again.Â
âBullshit!â
Tate scowled and grabbed your chin, making you look at his dark orbs. âTell me, Y/N, do you trust me or not, huh? Look me in the eyes and say you donât!â
The struggle continued for what seemed eternity. You trying to run away from the house and he trying to make you stay. âPlease, Y/N, just listen to me!â
âYou did something to him, right? I know him, Tate! He would NEVER leave his phone like this! Is this a joke?â
âWhy do you care so much about that asshole!? What has he done for you!? Tell me!â
âOh my, youâre jealous! I knew it! All that crap about being his friend was a lie, right? Tate, youâre being delusional! I can have friends, I can hang out with whoever I want, whether you like it or not!âÂ
Tate pressed your cheeks between his thumb and the rest of his fingers, squeezing the flesh with his veiny, big hand, pressing it tightly enough to leave the mark of his long digits on it.
âYou canât! Youâre mine. Only mine. Since the day you were born you were meant to be mine. Not his, not anybody, just me.â
âTate⌠We should end thisâŚâ You thought this was the best for both. Being in a relationship with him was draining; always being careful to not hurt him, make him jealous or mad. He was such a sensitive boy that always took everything too personally. He felt everything a little too much.
Since the beginning you knew he was unstable and that he had many issues, but you tried to see beyond his sick mind, you tried to understand him despite being so different.
Tate felt so safe with you. You were the only person who understood him, or at least made attempts to.Â
He felt rejected by the entire society, even by his own mother, until he met you and he had a minimum spark of hope that the world didnât suck that much.
Thatâs why he clung to you. Thatâs why you were his everything. He would lose his mind if you leave him.
He felt like dying when he heard you wanted to finish the relationship.
He couldnât breathe.Â
Some tears were now falling to the floor, his eyes puffy and an ugly frown on his face. His mouth twisted as he sobbed loudly, tugging the hem of your shirt while he begged you to stay. He was crying like a newborn, like a baby who had to be apart from his mother for a second.
âNo no no no, you canât do this to me!â He whimpered, his speech cracking as he tried to hold you close whilst you were stepping back. You were slipping through his fingers, you were leaving him.
âTate, if something happened to Peter, I will never forgive you! Canât you see youâre hurting me?â
Tate swore he would never hurt you, nor let anyone. But here he was, finally snapping out of it and seeing the cruel truth.Â
âYouâve been hurting me the whole time, Tate! I tried to understand you, I really did, I tried to help you, to save you from yourself! But itâs impossible. Iâm losing myself here with you, I donât even know who I am anymore! You donât want help, do you? âCause it doesnât matter what I do, youâre never satisfied! You suffocate me!â
All those words were like daggers penetrating his skin, touching his nerves and making him die of pain. You were tearing him apart, just the way he was destroying you.
He finally let go of you, feeling a tornado of emotions. Tate felt depressed, mad, resentful, like he was going crazy. Though, he knew he had to leave if thatâs what you wanted. He couldnât bring himself to break another promise.
Thereby, he confessed his crimes to you. He explained he killed his momâs partner a few days ago, and that now he had killed your friend. Why? He was jealous, he was scared youâd left him. You did it before you discovered the cruel reality, anyways. Thatâs why he told you. Because he couldnât lose anything else.
The situation was utterly disgusting. Tate was sick. He murdered an innocent man and then proceeded to fuck you, as it was the maximum test of love, as if his life meant nothing.
You knew he wasnât what people often considered ânormalâ. But this was definitely more than just being a âweirdoâ. Tate needed psychiatric help⌠And being arrested, of course.
âYou make me wanna puke, Tate! Youâre the evil!â
Without hesitating, you left Tate behind, running as fast as you could from that living hell.
You just wanted to cry, curl up into a ball and wake up from this nightmare. You wished it was merely a bad dream.
Tomorrow morning, youâd go to the police, but for now you needed to sleep.
Monday morning, 11:05
You couldnât sleep all night. You spent hours thinking about everything, about how this looked like a cruel joke to you. Eventually, you fell asleep at 4AM, and didnât wake up at what seemed almost midday.Â
An intense sound of police sirens woke you from your slumber. Startled by the loud noise, you rubbed your eyes and went to the window, trying to get a glimpse of what was happening outside.
Police cars and SWAT vans were going in a specific direction⌠Towards Tateâs street. It couldnât be, right?
Did his mother find the corpse? Or perhaps something else?
You looked at the clock, realizing it was late and you had to go to class.Â
08:00
After the most painful night of his life, Tate decided today everything would be over.
He had to cleanse the world⌠To take people to somewhere else, to some place full of peace away from the piss and the vomit that runs down the streets.
He was doing this not only because of your breakup, but also because of many other reasons. Your split up was the straw that broke the camel and drove him to the edge.
10:40
 After shooting the school, Tate left the place, looking unfazed about what he just did. He was unhinged.Â
He peacefully got into his place, went to his room and stayed there for some minutes.Â
The blond sat on the edge of the bed, leaving the gun right next to him and stared at nothing. His gaze was empty, but also there were some tears threatening to spill.
His mind was a whirlwind. Some part of him was satisfied, but the other was confused, wondering what was he thinking, what had he done?
What would you think of him now? Were you even there? Did he kill you too and he didnât even notice?
In the end, he recognized he indeed was the evil you said. Damn it. You were right, again, as ever.
Tate wanted to hear your voice, to comfort him, to hear you saying everything was okay. That heâd be okay. He desired to hear âI love youâ from you once more.
11:15
You went downstairs to find your family apparently mourning you.
They thought you were at school when the shooting happened. They believed you were gone, but here you were.Â
Eventually, they explained to you what happened.
The first thing that popped into your mind was Tateâs wellbeing, still unaware that he was the culprit. You were afraid something terrible couldâve happened to him, you were regretting your last words to him, but you also had to get him prisoner.
Your heart dropped when they explained to you he was the shooter.
No, it couldnât be possible.Â
It was possible. After all, he had already killed two men.
Even if you despise what he did, some part of you still longed for him, still was in love with his once kind heart.
A terrifying feeling of dread filled your body, making you feel numb, as if none of this was realâŚÂ
11:25
After running to Tateâs house and seeing it surrounded by the cops and the SWAT team, everything stopped. Constanceâs distressed cries and pleas were heard from outside, followed suit by the sound of bullets. It was over now.
Tate was certainly a troubled individual who dedicated his entire life to searching for something, to feel something, to feel loved.
All he asked for was love, to be loved, to love. All he wanted was you.
But at the same time, your love led him to an never-ending obsession that ultimately broke both of you.
He became your biggest regret.
All he feared, all his nightmares came true. Everything he was so afraid of was him and only himself.Â
#tate langdon#tate langdon x reader#tate langdon x y/n#tate x reader#tate langdon fanfic#i love you tate#tate langdon smut#tate langdon x you#kai anderson#kai anderson x reader#kai anderson x y/n#kai anderson x you#evan peters fanfic#evan peters#kai anderson ahs#ahs fanfiction#ahs murder house#american horror story#evan peters x female reader#evan peters x y/n#evan peters x you#evan peters x reader
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go west, to the southern plains, go west to breathe (lover, share your road - part i) series masterlist | AO3 Link | prologue | part ii
chapter rating: T
word count: ~21K
chapter summary: at the end of the line, you make a business proposition to Joel Miller. He brings you and Ellie home to the last sanctuary left in this world in exchange for your skills. What you find there and what you find out about Joel Miller is not what you expect.
chapter warnings/tags: depictions of going hungry and poverty, sexual harassment, period accurate sexism, depictions of a sick child, reader depicted as skinny but due to lack of food not her natural body type (and this will change), allusions to domestic abuse, hurt/comfort, pining, the beginnings of a praise kink, let the idiots in love begin
a/n: shout out to the ever incredible @jennaispun for beta-ing the prologue and this first part!
âAfter a long walk in hell, I found you. You made hell feel like home, you made the flames feel warm. Itâs true, you havenât saved me but you were the closest thing to heaven.â â Maram Rimawi
part i:
Beneath the soot-gray fingertips of your gloves, the dust of the high plains sits coarse and heavy on the tattered, yellowing strip of paper. You hold it down flat as a brutish wind snakes up the empty dirt road through the center of Dalhart, grabbing hold of the brown dust that clings to everything â and tugs. Underneath your pale blue dress, with the hemline torn and the collar in need of stitching, your heart pounds as you read the small, almost guilty, advert:
Help wanted. Can pay.
Contact Joel Miller.
The promise of actual money should have had every able-bodied American scrambling to answer the advert, but by its place near the bottom of the announcement board outside of the country store, buried beneath slashed prices for milk and eggs and headlines out of Washington â it seems certain to be relegated into obscurity.Â
For all you know, this could be months, even years, old. Miller, whoever he was, could be long dead, or gone with the rest of the exodus to California. Or he could have gone the way of your âUncleâ Robert â a huckster, discovered too late; one of many who prey upon the desperation that sticks to the country like the acrid smell of smoke. Your hand shakes as you pluck the yellow card from the wooden plank. There is no contact number, no address. Another trick? Dust stings the corners of your eyes when you pinch them close, your breathing quickening, your pulse sharp in the sleeve of your ratty glove.Â
Oh, God, what are you going to do? What if this is nothing, just like Robertâs promise? What if thereâs nothing here for you? What if â
A small hand on your forearm centers your spiraling thoughts. From beneath a faded blue baseball cap, two brown eyes peer up at you, firm and reassuring.Â
âYou okay?â She keeps her voice low, just like you asked.
âYeah, ElâEllie, Iâm fine.â You squeeze her too-thin hand, your stomach toiling with guilt and its own emptiness. âJust figuring out what to do next.âÂ
âIs finding and murdering this asshole Robert still off the table?â
You frown, your nieceâs quick temper more from your dead sister than you. âIt is. Now, Iâm going inside to ask about this advert. Maybe this Miller still has a job or two open.â
Ellieâs eyes fall to the slip of paper in your hand, her aggressive scowl tightening into something that too closely resembles fear. She knows whatâs at stake just as much as you do and you hate that that knowledge ages her youthful face.Â
âYou stay close and donât let anyone get a good look at you, okay?âÂ
Ellie nods, already familiar with the routine, and scoops up your luggage case, her tattered satchel hanging off her other shoulder. She had been wearing pants long before reaching Dalhart, but it soothed you to think the eyes of cruel men passed right over her, their interest rarely in young boys.Â
A bell above the door tinkles when you open it, but by the dull, muted sound, it most likely has a few dents. Behind you, the afternoon heat follows you in, the sunlight illuminating the floating dust mites in the air. The door whines as it closes, brightening the inside of the store, where the mites settle back into the silver layer that sits over cans of tomatoes and peaches, linens, boxes of gum and cigarettes. Nearly everything sits untouched and unmoved, old dust settling between cracks and grooves, patrons not having enough money to buy something and the owner not having enough to change out stock. Struck still, frozen in a single, long exhale. The slow, creaking death of the economic system has reached Dalhart too. You shudder, suddenly cold as if in a mausoleum.Â
The further away from Boston the train took you, the further back in time you felt. Here, you are reminded of the old general stores of cowboys and pioneers. But maybe, that is exactly where you are: out of time.
A man in long white sleeves, coiffed hair, and perfectly round glasses, looks up from the wilted newspaper spread out over the counter.Â
âCan I help you?â His accent hails from the east, North Carolina most likely. However, his manners are not reflective of that famous southern hospitality. He looks at you like youâre a bad dream and it unsteadies you.
âY-yes. I, uh, Iâm hoping that you know a-a Miller. Joel Miller? I have his advert and Iâm, um, Iâm looking for work.âÂ
The manâs thin eyebrow jumps mockingly. Arenât we all, sister? But eventually, he shakes his head.
âLook, I donât know what youâre doing all the way out here, but this ainât no place for a young lady out on her own, job or no job. Whereâs your husband?â
âDead.â Your voice doesnât waver, but then again, why would it?Â
The clerkâs eyes soften, if only slightly. âI see. But Iâm sorry to say, there is no job here for you.â
Your mouth instantly dries out. âWhat do you mean? Whereâs Mr. Miller?â
âHeâs a mean olâ sunuvbitch, livin' God knows where. Comes in twice a month for supplies and heâs back out into the prairie.â
âIâm sorry, I donât see why thatâs a problem â,â
âHe ainât fit for civilized life, maâam.â The clerk drops his nose, eying you seriously over the rim of his black glasses. âWhatever heâs offering, you donât want no part of it.âÂ
âI think weâll be the judges of that.â Beside you, Ellie drops your suitcase and it loudly clatters to the ground. âThanks for the tip though.âÂ
The clerkâs eyes widen â this is terrible behavior even for a boy â his mouth unfurling to give a nasty tongue-lashing, when you interject, your voice thick with pleading.
âI would just like to meet the man. Please, sir.â The clerk, like most men without scruples, can barely resist the sound of a woman begging. Those uncanny blue eyes find you again. âHas he come in recently?â
You can feel Ellieâs wicked sneer behind you, the clerkâs gaze switching between the unlikely pair in his shop. Finally, he shrugs. Who gives a fuck if one more woman goes missing?
âHeâs due for a resupply.â
âHow soon?â Your palm sweats under your gloves.
He narrows his eyes, evidently annoyed that a woman would reject his warnings. âSoon. We have a parlor in the back if youâd like to wait for him. But you have to buy something,â he adds vehemently.Â
You nod, unsteady on shaking knees as you walk towards the door in the back of the store.Â
âThank you, sir. You have been so kind. We very much appreciate it.âÂ
Any chance that the clerk finds you sincere is lost when Ellie wraps her knuckles on the counter as she passes.
âBuh-bye, dude.âÂ
The parlor is small, dark, damp, and smells faintly of kerosene and leather. A woman, most likely the wife of the clerk you just annoyed, glares from behind a counter as you and Ellie walk in.Â
âLunch.â Not a question.
Ellie looks up at you, eyes wide, fearful. You hadnât let her see what is left in your purse, but she knows itâs low.
With your stomach in knots, you wouldnât be able to eat anyway. You pluck out a dollar, bringing your total down to three dollars, and giving it to your niece.
âOrder whatever you want.â
The beating heart of the blazing Texas sun edges downward across the open sky, falling, until it drops completely behind the harrowingly flat horizon. Purple erupts in its wake, the last pump of blood of a dying muscle, and nearly instantly, the temperature drops. You watch the explosive coronary of the sky from a table at the back of the parlor, your own pulse doubling the later it gets. You squeeze your hand between your thighs to keep your fingers from drumming uneasily on the table. But for once, Ellie doesnât pick up on your nerves.Â
A dollar went farther out here and, as a result, Ellie is allowed her first big meal in months. Twice now, sheâs nearly forgone the silverware to shove food directly into her mouth with her fingers, had it not been for your glares to remind her to slow down.
âThis is slow,â she grumbles as she licks her bowl of mashed potatoes clean. Of course, half of what she ordered sits waiting for you, but you know she needs this meal more than you do â even if your rumbling stomach disagrees. Youâd already had lunch at the train station; one more missed meal wonât kill you and less for you means more for Ellie.
Suddenly becoming a parent to a very opinionated fourteen-year-old girl was not something you had anticipated, and most times you figured you were doing it all wrong. The least you could do is give her everything you could.
âYou think heâll show?âÂ
You tear your eyes away from the parlor door, blinking back into your body out of your cloud of thoughts. Ellieâs little hands grip the bowl, a white smear sitting on her bottom lip, her eyes dark as they watch you.Â
You grin as her pink tongue swipes up to lick her mouth clean. How easy you forget sheâs only fourteen, with her loud mouth and provoking eyes. âEat your food, Ellie.âÂ
The words have barely left your mouth when the door to the parlor bursts open. Two men, clearly drunk and smelling of it, stumble in. This is the part where you wish you too could believably dress up like a man. Your pulse thrums in your neck like a heightened prey animal.Â
One pushes the otherâs shoulder, smirking, and grunting something. His friend, also in a cowboy hat but half his size, nods and makes an unsteady line for one of the tables, while the other does his best to get to the bar.Â
The man at the table has light green eyes, overly thick eyebrows, and a flat mouth, loose with drink. He flops into a wooden chair and you watch as the Texas Rangers badge on his chest flashes in the firelight behind him. Your stomach tightens.Â
He stretches out, feet crossed over his ankles, limp hands crossed over his denim jacket, hollering at his friend and the woman working, who looks equally displeased to see them as she did you and Ellie.Â
Smirking, his eyes slide from the wooden bar top, over the back wall, and right onto you.
You watch as his gaze blurs for a moment, a film of beastial hunger smothering the color of his eyes. You can feel your pulse in your ankles now.
âWell, now, what do we have here?â The lilt in his voice calls out two unspoken words: fresh meat. Distressingly steady, he climbs to his feet, his hat tilted obnoxiously on his forehead. âWhere did you come from, you pretty little thing?âÂ
He saunters over, his thumbs stuck in his belt, the gun at his side snug in its holster. The grin on his face is hideous. Youâd smack it off if you werenât suddenly overcome by a debilitating fear. A look like that on a man is never, ever a good thing.
âWhatcha got there, Lee?â his buddy calls out from the bar, beard drenched in beer foam.Â
âI dunno quite yet, Knapp,â he says over his shoulder, his livid green eyes never leaving your face. He nearly folds in half to press his spider-like hands on the surface of your table, coming inches from your face. His breath smells like corn whiskey and cheap tobacco. âGuess Iâll have to find out. Whatâs your name, pretty thing?âÂ
âOr she could not tell you her name and instead, you could fuck off.â Ellieâs scowl wrenches her mouth open, her knuckles white around her spoon. Thereâs a part of you that fully acknowledges and accepts that if given the signal, sheâd scoop the fuckerâs eyes out with the silverware right here. âWeâre eating here, or are you too busy smelling like a fucking whiskey barrel to notice?â
As with most adults when Ellie decides to show her teeth, Lee stares stunned before the self-righteous anger sets in. Your heart stops for a moment when you think heâs going for his holster, but instead, he uses the flat of his hand to swat her hat off her head.
âShut up, you little fucker, whereâd you learn your fucking maâ,â
Ellieâs long hair tumbles down her shoulders, the baseball cap on the floor behind her.Â
Lee is stunned into silence once again. The parlor goes deathly silent.
Itâs Knapp who sets off the explosive spark again. âHoly fuck, youâre a little girl.â
Ellie snatches up her hat, cheeks flaming red, but Leeâs hand grabs her wrist.Â
âA kinda cute one at that,â Lee sneers. He twists her arm and she yelps. Knapp at the bar laughs, his paunch shaking as beer sloshes over the side of his glass. The woman is cleaning something with a rag, turned away from the scene, her shoulders hunched to her ears. Youâre on your feet, your hand on her purse. âWhat are you thinking, hm? Dressing this sweet little girl up like a boy?â
The trigger clicks and Lee and everyone else in the parlor freezes. The edge of your lash line is wet, fear rolling through you like fog on the bay. Your hand is steady, miraculously, but your voice isnât.
âL-l-letâ,â your voice cracks and you try again. You only have one gun drawn on Lee and you pray to whatever god is listening that Knapp doesnât remember his. âLet her go.âÂ
This small pistol is your last line of defense against those who would take everything from you. You couldnât keep your sister safe, your husband didnât want to be saved, but youâd die before youâd let anyone come within an inch of Ellie. You pawned off your wedding ring long before you ever considered selling this weight in your hand. You couldnât physically win a fight but youâd be damned if you werenât going to take someone out with you.
Thereâs more than one reason you never let Ellie look into your purse. You wonât make eye contact with her now.
Leeâs eyes harden into black flints in his head. âYeah? Youâre shaking like a leaf. You ainât gonna do shit about it.â
He twists harder, forcing Ellie to her knees, his mouth smearing into a sickening sneer, Ellieâs cries loud â âget off me, you fucker!â
All you have to do is miss. Once.Â
Your arm shifts right and you fire. You meant to hit the floor, but instead the leg of a chair at a nearby table shatters, wood and smoke sparking into the air. Lee and Ellie jump, their struggle broken, but Ellieâs quicker, smarter. Hunched to avoid debris, they are nearly eye to eye and Ellie doesnât hesitate; she jerks her head back and then launches her forehead forward â square into his flat nose.
The crunch is sickening and it turns your already empty stomach. Lee shrieks, releasing Ellie, his hands flying to his misshapen nose to staunch the river of blood pouring from his nostrils.Â
âYou bitch!â he whines, voice wet and gummy as blood trickles down his throat, eyes watering. You hear a roar of anger as Knapp stands, no longer finding any of this funny.
âGet behind me, Ellie.â You snap, eyes on Knapp as he lumbers forward. She hesitates, looking like sheâd like nothing more than to kick Lee up the balls, but obeys the closer Knapp comes. She slots behind you, eyes sharp on the squealing man on the floor.Â
âShe broke my fucking nose, man,â he cries, face already purpling.Â
âYeah, and donât you forget it, you fucker!â She snarls over your shoulder. One hand holds your elbow, and the other brandishes her motherâs knife that had been at the bottom of her satchel seconds ago. Fuck.Â
Ellie Williams is not, and never has been, nor will be, one to deescalate a situation. Knapp responds in kind. His drunk fingers fumble with his holster, his face contorted with rage.
âShootinâ at an officer of the law â youâre gonna hang for this, you thieving little câ,â
âKnapp.â
A fifth voice â low, deep, a mammalian bark that grinds the chaos of the room to a halt. The large man stalls, his engine snagged by the rough grain of that voice. On the floor, Lee lets out one quiet whimper as he cracks open a pulsating black eye.
In the glow of the firelight, you watch as beads of sweat swell on Knappâs big forehead beneath his wide-brimmed hat. His wide eyes flash between you and the man who just walked in.
âM-Miller, the fuck you want?âÂ
Your heart seizes in your chest. Miller.Â
Joel Miller.Â
You never thought your saving grace would come in the shape of a hulking, dark-eyed man.Â
A well-worn handkerchief around his neck, crusted over with dust, his broad shoulders stretch a denim work shirt, the unbuttoned collar loose and just as dirty. Worked-over hands, dry and brown as the earth, curl into fists at his side. Tight jaw, flared nose, eyes black, his presence expands in the cramped room, a leviathan cresting dark waves to command the roaring void.Â
âBack off, both of you.âÂ
Knapp sneers, desperately tugging at some misguided sense of bravery, with sweat running hot and fast and smelly down the sides of his rubbery face. âY-yeah, or what?âÂ
âYou fuckinâ know what.â
Knapp visibly swallows and lowers his pistol, hands trembling. Lee whines from the floor, his eyes open as wide as the swelling will allow, abject terror on his face as he stares up at Miller. Neither of them move.
A guard dog satisfied by the corralled sheep, Joelâs heavy gaze roves from the two men, across the room, to you.
His expression doesnât change.Â
The weight shifts across the stiff planes of his shoulders, and he turns, leaving as quickly as he appeared. Beneath his thick boots, the wooden floor creaks and it rouses you. Your mouth is so dry you can feel the skin of your lips split apart.Â
âMr. Miller, w-wait.â
He doesnât.Â
With a single glance to the men still frozen in terror, you follow him through the now-dark and empty store. The cold desert air cracks hard against your overheated cheeks when you burst through the door, into the black night. The moonlight illuminates the threads of silver hair in his beard that the dark parlor hid. His fingers work slowly, unhurriedly, as he tightens the leather buckle beneath the wide girth of his off-white horse. It lifts its head as you stumble out onto the dusty road, its round eyes watching you with more interest than its rider. White ears twitch forward, a snort from the long snout, and Joel rubs the soft place between two giant nostrils without looking up.Â
âJ-Joel â Mr. Miller, please, I need your help.âÂ
âAlready got it.â His shoulders flex and roll as he loads up another loose sack onto the rump of the horse, then tightens the securing belt. It snorts again and shifts on its hooves, its long tail flicking back and forth.Â
You shake your head, swallowing the hot rush of embarrassment. The wind licks at your ankles and you fight back a shiver, bringing a hand to your shoulder to warm the goosebumps. âNo, sorry, I mean â Iâm here to help you. I saw your advertisement and I was wondering if the position was still open.â
The buckle quiets. The dirt at his feet crunches as he faces you.Â
There are no trees in Dalhart, Texas. There are barely any clouds, no coverage. Overhead, the few buildings not yet folded up in the wake of the financial collapse throw shadows over his angular face, but you can still feel the trace of his gaze over you. A curious search, the investigation of scent.Â
Then he shakes his head.
âNo.âÂ
Your entire chest tightens. âHas the position been filled?â
âNo.â
âThen whyâ,â
âI donât need you.â He lifts up the third and final sack and you feel your hope being carried away with it. âNeed a farm hand. Youâre not the type.â
âN-n-no, Iâve worked on a farm. I-Iâve only planted seeds but Iâm a quick learner and Iâ,â
âNo.âÂ
âSir â please, Iâll do anythingâ,â
âThen go home.â He unties the reins from the wooden post and clicks to the horse. Its big eyes watch you as he turns them for the road. âThereâs nothing here for you.âÂ
You absolutely will not cry in front of this gruff stranger. Panic icing down your spine, you follow him on weak knees. In the wake leftover from the wheat boom, Dalhart is quiet as soon as the sun goes down. Empty of people, of light, of any sort of guiding hand, you try to appeal to the last human youâve found at the end of the world.
âMr. Miller, there must be something you need. Iâm a hard worker, smart, you wonât have to train me at all. Please. Iâve been a housekeeper, a seamstress â a nurse. I â,â
The horse huffs when Joel pulls tight on the reins.Â
In the moonlight, all of his hair looks gray. Your heart plunges in your throat. You can feel your stomach trying to digest your spine.
âDone any work with kids?â He asks, after a moment.Â
His brisk question is not what you expected. You can barely hear him over the pounding in your heart.Â
âY-yes. Iâve treated children before. A-and I was a teacher, briefly. Iâm very good with children, actually.â
The scarred hand at his side tightens, flexes open and closed, the tips of his thumb and forefinger twitching over the other. Over his shoulder, you think his head tilts a centimeter towards you.
âYou know what? Fuck this.âÂ
Out of the shadows of the county store, Ellie tears down the steps, her face pink and her hair stuffed back up her ball cap. She loops her small hands around your forearm and tugs, her eyes like chips of bark, glaring hatefully at the man in the middle of the street. Faint dust churns beneath her faded sneakers.Â
âSheâs fucking begging you and you donât give a fuck, you old shithead!â She tugs again. In the flash of the moonlight, a glassy film has settled over her eyes. âCâmon, we donât need him. We â donât need â him.âÂ
âEllie, please!â You grab her by the shoulders, a soft hand in a swirling tempest, and she settles, her mouth twisted up in anger and embarrassment. She hates that you have to beg anyone. âPlease.â Shielding her from him, you squeeze her shoulders. âI know, Ellie. I know. But I have to keep you safe.â
Ellie finally turns that hot glare at you, eyes damp. Petulant when terrified, your sister was the exact same way.Â
Fuck, Anna, it should have been me.
âShe yours?â
Joel rests his weight on his left knee, fingers loose around the reins. Heâs lowered the mask around his mouth. You snap your head up, your voice thankfully steady. âSheâs my niece. She . . . Iâm responsible for her.âÂ
Below your palms, Ellie stiffens.Â
Fifteen feet from you, Joel nods, the muscle in his jaw tight. The horse huffs and he glares at it like it just yelled at him too. Â
âIâm not in the habit of pickinâ up strays,â he says as if that means a lot.Â
Hope springs in your chest and it snags the air in your lungs. âWeâre not. I-I mean, weâll work hard. Please, give us just one chance.â
âAnd you expect me to take on the both of you.â It isnât a question, but his eyebrow arcs all the same. âThatâs two mouths I gotta feed, âsteada one.âÂ
âShe can have mine.â In the silence, you think you can hear the faint choir of crickets. You remember the tarantulas and centipedes that lived inside the walls of your husbandâs prairie dugout, and your stomach twists. âEllie can have whatever you give us.âÂ
She makes a brief cry of protest, but you squeeze her shoulders. The sharp flair of his nostrils smooths and the corners of his eyes pinches, tilting his eyebrows up. Heâs still glowering, but somehow, his expression has suddenly opened, just a crack.Â
And then he nods.Â
âStay here a night. Iâll be back in the morning with the wagon.âÂ
And thatâs it. You have a job.Â
Youâre so elated it takes a minute for his words to sink in. He turns back down the road, the horse's hooves clipping on the dry ground. You follow after him, hand outstretched.
âOh, no, w-we can walk, itâs no trouble. Let me just get our things andâ,â
âToo far to walk. And thereâs things out in the dark more dangerous than those fuckinâ rangers.â He nods to the country store, eerily quiet. It sits, ugly, like a brown old frog. âThereâs a hotel just up the road. Itâs not much, but itâll do for one night.â
âBut, sir, we really canât stay. I donât â thereâs no â,â
You stumble to a stop when those merciless dark eyes root you to the ground. The leather reins squeak when he tightens his fist around them. Again, you are under the impression of a dog sniffing out your scent for any deception, any treason. He takes you in, all of you in â your ratty gloves, your torn hemline, your tattered collar â and by some miracle, he doesnât say anything. Instead, the groove above his nose softens.Â
Wordlessly, he reaches into his back pocket and takes out five dollars from a brown leather wallet. He offers it to you between two fingers.Â
Take it, his eyes command.Â
You do, with a shaking hand. You hate charity, you hate that youâre at his mercy â
But Ellie has a bed for the night. Inside, warm. Where, hours ago, she didnât. You smother your pride and nod, gaze at the scar on his cheek that you only now notice at an armâs length away.Â
âOne night,â he says. âFor you and the kid.â
You nod again because thatâs all you really can do, his pity clutched in your fist and held against your heart.Â
Ellie scowls as he swings up onto the horse and readjusts his mask.Â
âWhat a guy,â she murmurs to you, her eyes still narrowed. Joel clicks his teeth, and the horse trots off into the dark, a lone man riding out into the featureless night.
Evidently still feeling slighted, Ellie sticks her tongue out at the denim back.
âBetter keep that tongue in your mouth, kid,â he hollers before digging his heels into the horseâs flanks. âLiable to be chopped off like a copperhead.â
Ellieâs mouth snaps shut.
The money Joel gave you is more than enough to cover a room and another plate of food. You even spurge your own money on some small candy for Ellie, determined to give Joel back every cent left over and then some, once youâve proven you can earn your keep.
For you and the kid.
You shake your head, lost in your own thoughts, the gnawing hunger in your belly satiated, as you pull back the covers to the twin bed. The metal frame squeaks as you climb in, your night dress thin and ragged as the rest of your clothes.Â
âCâmon, Ellie, time for bed.â When she doesnât move, you stop rearranging the pillows and look at her. In her own white nightie (because sheâd outgrown all her other pajamas), she sits in front of the roaring fire, her chin on her knees, and her arms wrapped around her shins.Â
Sheâs quiet - either a good sign, or a terrible one.Â
âEllie, sweetie, weâve gotta get some sleep. Itâs gonna be a long day tomorrow.âÂ
You watch as her narrow back expands and falls in one slow breath, her skin bright in the firelight.
She nods mutely and climbs into the space beside you. She rolls onto her side, away from you, her hands tucked up under her head, her knees curled up beneath her.Â
This is where Anna would know what to say. How to soothe this girl with so much awareness in a world that is raw to even those willfully ignorant. You canât bullshit Ellie the way you can some kids. She knows too much. Seen too much.Â
You settle down next to her in the shadow of her shoulder. Your fingers hover, locked between the yawning gap of touching her and not touching her, when she finally speaks.
âIs this really going to work?â Her voice is quiet, soft, dust-covered and buried. âIs Joel really gonna . . . are we safe?â
You cannot bullshit Ellie Williams.
âI donât know. Iâd like to think so. I know you donât like him, but I think we can trust him.â
Sheâs quiet again, only this time because thereâs something she doesnât want to say.Â
âNot like Uncle Robert â or Robert, if thatâs even his real name. Iâd never met the man in person, but I wanted â so badly â to believe . . .â You swallow, your own shame boiling your skin. âI think weâre safe with Joel Miller.â
The godâs honest truth.Â
She hears it in your voice.
Ellie tips back to look you in the eyes. Sheâs lost so much weight recently. âYeah?â
You tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear, the ghost of your thumb across her cheek. She allows the show of affection. âYeah, El. I do.âÂ
You want to say: you can trust me. Iâll always take care of you.
But you know it would only come out hollow.
Neither of you would think it was honest.Â
She pulls away from your grasp, her eyes almost golden in the firelight. She nods and stares at the burning wood.Â
âOkay.â
âSo . . . is your car, like, broken or something?â
You elbow Ellie and she sits up from hanging over the edge of the wagon. She frowns at you â what? â and you both glance at Joel at the front of the wagon. If the question annoys him any more than he perpetually already is, he doesnât show it.Â
âDonât have one.â He says to the back of the horse. The wagon rocks and sways over the clods of dust and stone in the road. âNever did.â
âUh, why?â
âCars break down in the dust storms. Short out. They end up being more trouble than theyâre worth.âÂ
Again, that half-centimeter turn, his tone implying what his eyes canât, faced away from you. Ellie narrows her eyes at the back of his head. She wrenches her mouth open, fire in her eyes, but she catches you glaring, and her mouth snaps shut. Pouting, she chucks a lone pebble off the back of the wagon.Â
The sky is strikingly blue, bright as a livewire, the air warm and crackling with the early summer heat. Away from Dalhart, away from the collection of dust on every surface, dripping through every crack, you find the clarity and distance of the southern plains to be . . . unexpected. So careless and abrasive one minute, but then, in moments like these, it became hard to believe that nature could ever be so cruel as to make the earth rise up and swallow it all whole.Â
You swing your legs off the wooden edge, the sunshine warm on your knees. Itâs no use trying to hide how badly your socks need darning, so you lean back and stretch your legs as far as you can, your face tilted towards the sky, the still air peaceful. This morning, youâd put on your yellow plaid dress, torn cotton lace around the sleeves that stop at your elbows. You tucked your hair up and pinned your straw hat to your head. It was a reflex, to present your most beautiful self to a man, even one you barely knew. By the way Ellie had rolled her eyes, she felt no such compulsion.Â
Demure, your mother always told you, youâre not very pretty, youâre not very bright, the least you can be is demure.Â
The wagon shudders, clicks, over the empty road and you open your eyes. Ellie is turned away from you, eyes out to the fields on either side of you. You donât understand what sheâs looking at, until you realize thatâs exactly it: there is nothing to look at. On the other side of those loopy barbed-wire fences through cock-eyed posts, there are miles and miles of nothing but churned-over dirt. A lazy wind spins over a patch of emptiness, tossing clods and sand into the air, an aimless sadness as tangible as the dust itself. Phone lines stand, corroded and chipped, along the side of the road like tangible manifestations of a deadly infection.Â
âThereâs no crops here either.â Ellie says, voicing loudly what you only thought. You canât see her face but she sounds as stunned as you are. âWhat happened?â
You watch over her shoulder, eyes level with the earth bleached of all material, all life. With the drought, your husbandâs field shriveled up in months, the cracked ground peeling away from the sodhouse in some places. You still have nightmares about waking up with grit between your teeth, choking and coughing up bloody chunks of mud.
This is desolation on an epidemic scale.Â
âAsk different people ân theyâll tell you different things.â Joel says in his slow drawl, the crackle of the earth soft beneath the wooden wheels. âNo one really knows. But nothing like this happened when the buffalo grass was here, âsteada wheat.â
âWait, you were here before Dalhart?â Ellie twists on the wagon, leaning over the lip where Joel sits and drives the horse.Â
âMy family was. Here before anything. My grandpa befriended the Comanche Indians and â,â
âYou got to hang out with Indians?â Ellie nearly hurls herself over the edge of the wagon to try and look him in the eye. âWhat are they like â did they teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow â can they really ride horses like that â,â
âEllie!â You want to grab her by her collar and yank her back into the wagon. âNot so many questions.â
The noise Joel makes is somewhere between a grunt and the word no.
âItâs fine â, â he looks down at Ellie, still curled around the back of the seat, her eyes wide with a giant smile on her face. His ever present scowl doesnât seem any deeper, nor does it deter her. Joel turns away again and in the sunlight, his hair is gooey, caramel brown. You stare at the dirt road while listening, the back of your neck hot. âTheyâre good people. Didnât deserve what happened to them â to any of âem. But they taught my grandpa and grandma how to take just what they need, nothing more. But then everybody needed grain, offered money for cheap, easy labor. They poured in here, into the prairie, and in years, it became this. Folks blame the drought, but itâs moreân that.â
Ellieâs inordinately quiet. She knows exactly what your husband did to you, to your family, and now, maybe to the entire land.Â
ââNext yearâ people, they claim,â Joel continues, his voice deepening with anger, âânext yearâ, thingsâll be better. âNext yearâ the rainsâll come. âNext yearâ the wheatâll return.â He shakes his head, boots creaking against the toeboard. âAnyone who thinks that is lyinâ to themselves. Anyoneâs whoâs been here, seen whatâs here, for us itâs been â,â
âThe end of the world.âÂ
The silence that follows your words stretches long, an anchor dropped off the end of the wagon and rattling around the wheels. You swing your legs, fingers curling around a tear in your hemline. It wasnât the first time youâd heard those words to describe the state of things. Thatâs what your husband called it and you believed him.Â
Evidently, Joel agrees. His wide shoulders taught, the denim blue faded beneath the boundless sky, he nods.
âGriiim,â Ellie mutters as she curls up and drops her chin on her knees.Â
Youâve been watching a single cloud chase the sun from the floor of the wagon when Ellie, silent for all of about fifteen minutes, lifts her head from her hands draped over the edge. Her eyes go wide, her ears pink from the sun, and says:
âWhoa.â
The horse huffs as you sit up, a soft wind snagging the loose hairs on the back of your neck, and your mouth drops.Â
Grass.Â
Fields of it.Â
The air is fresh, warm, and filled with the scent of living, breathing earth. Tipped with lush purple seeds shaped like paintbrushes, a sea of stalks bend and ripple in the cooling breeze, undulating like waves on solid ground. The wind is soft here, teasing, rolling through the tall grass, carrying the scent of growth and green in the air. Youâre suddenly aware of how dry your mouth is, cracked and padded with dust.Â
âWe left it be.â Joel offers simply, voice too gruff to surely be filled with pride. âItâs endured and survived, and so have we.â
Further back, you can see where the line of his property ends â a harsh division of paradise and purgatory â and marked to the north by a dip in the ground and even over the crunch of the wheels over the ground, you hear it: water.Â
A river. An oasis in a wasteland.Â
Ahead of the white tufts of hair on the horse, the road curves, disappearing into the sea of grass, but letting your graze drift up, you see an a-frame home, white like a lighthouse at the edge of a storm. The instant the home comes into view, Joel clicks his tongue, urging the horse faster â eager.Â
He leads the horse up through the road, through the grass, and on the other side, by the river, two cows chew up the green, oblivious. Beyond them, tucked behind the house is a barn. Low to the ground but wide, hunched like a fighter with a heavy center of gravity, it looks ready to endure and survive. As this entire secret world had.Â
Joel tugs the horse to a stop, the wagon rattles as it slows, by the wide porch of the a-frame. It sits also low to the ground, wider with a dark roof, held together with something black and smeared. Youâre so distracted by the unique qualities of this house in the middle of paradise that you miss it when the door creaks open until youâre staring down the barrel of a shotgun.
âWho are you?â The voice behind the gun is deep, even if the barrels shake slightly. In the dark of the doorframe, you canât quite see their face, only their short stature.Â
You see Ellieâs hand twitch towards her knife, which she now carries in her sock since the night of the county store.Â
However, Joel is less concerned. In fact, the boulders of his shoulders loosen, ease to simple muscle and blood. He makes a noise that on anyone else, it might be considered a laugh, a chuckle, but he isnât even capable of smiling â
He slings down from the seat and pats the horse.
âEasy there, Annie Oakley, itâs just me.âÂ
The shadow in the doorway stiffens.
âDad?â
The shotgun lowered, the shadow staggers into the light. Brown eyes, just like his, scrunched against the blinding sunlight, a girl with the most beautiful head of curls blinks at Joel, her thin hand held up to shield her face.Â
âHey there, baby girl.â
In a single leap, she jumps down from the porch but all too quickly, the smile slips from Joelâs face.
âHang on, not too fastâ,â
She stumbles towards him as best as the metal braces around her knees, down to her ankles, will allow, defiant and smiling, despite the beads of sweat that have swelled over her forehead. Joel surges forward, faster than you thought possible, and reaches for her, nearly on one knee.Â
âSlow down, please, Sarah.â
âDad, Iâm fine,â she huffs before tossing her arms around his neck. âIâm fine. Just â missed you, is all.âÂ
You canât see his face, but he straightens up still holding her. With one hand he flattens those curls to her cheek, and kisses the other.Â
âEnough to forget all the things I taught you about gun safety? You just tossed that thing aside,â he scolds fondly. She rolls her eyes as he sets her down.Â
âOkay, but if you didnât know it was me, you wouldâa been totally scared, right?âÂ
She watches as he chuckles, a deep, warm sound, but her own smile flatlines when she spies Ellie climbing down from the wagon. You ease off the edge, your lower half sore from the ride.Â
The girl, Sarah, narrows her eyes.Â
âWho are you?â She positions her body slightly in front of Joelâs. âAnd why are you dressed like a boy?âÂ
Joelâs soft scolding â âSarahâ â is lost beneath Ellieâs scoff. She adjusts her satchel.Â
âWhy are you dressed like Raggedy Ann?âÂ
Her fatherâs massive hands clench down on her shoulders, Sarahâs scowl evident that sheâs about half a second away from launching herself at Ellie, leg braces be damned.Â
âNow, letâs slow down here.â Joelâs deep baritone is light, but just as firm as his grip. If you knew him better, youâd think he is about to laugh, the lines around his eyes thick, while his mouth stays flat. âWe got off on the wrong foot. Sarah, this is Ellie and her aunt. Theyâre going to be staying with us for a while to help out with your schooling.â
Those curls go flying, her frown now pinched in worry. Another girl caught between a child and adult â for the sake of their single parent, you notice, your chest tight.Â
âI thought you needed a farm hand. You were going to teach me.âÂ
âYou know you already read better than I do.âÂ
âDadâ,â
âMiss here is also a nurse.âÂ
âOh. Oh.â She glances down at the metal braces as if sheâd forgotten they were there. The skin on her knees is chaffed, rubbed pink. âShe can . . . help me?â
Twin pairs of brown eyes settle on you, one hesitantly curious, the other aggressively determined.Â
You can, right?
Ellieâs staring at the braces, her gaze distant, heavy. Sheâd seen this before, but everything back then moved too fast. Back then, there was no time for braces.
Braces only help a small percentage of polio patients. The lucky ones. Â
You nod, your heart hammering under your chest bone. âYes â yes, sir. I think with Ms. Kennyâs therapy, we might be able to alleviate some pain.âÂ
Those eyes, exactly like and so unlike her fatherâs, widen.
âReally?â
You introduce yourself with your first name, pressing the crease in your glove between your nail and your thumb with your other hand.
âIâd like to try, Sarah.â
You suddenly understand that Sarah is Joel Millerâs most guarded secret, out here in paradise, paradise as the most beautiful prison in the world. He continues to stare at you from under thick eyebrows after Sarah moves away from him. Ellie, caught off-guard by her forward movement, takes a significant step back.
âI, um, got some marbles out back,â Sarah starts, thumbing over her shoulder, and every other word sounding like an apology. âIf you wanna play.â
Ellie jerks forward, her eyes round with excitement, but stops. She looks at you.
âCan I?âÂ
Soft when eager, just like her mother. So unlike you. You nod.
âStay close, okay?âÂ
You and Joel watch as Ellie and Sarah toddle around to the back of the house, Ellie quietly narrating every thought she has as she keeps pace with Sarah.
Those look actually really cool, you know?
Yeah?
Totally. Have you read Amazing Stories? You look like you could be part of the Space Family Robinson.
Who are they?
Oh, youâve never read those!? Okay, so theyâre a family who live in space and they go on these awesome adventures together to different planets and . . .
The farther they go, the faster Joel turns back to stone. His gaze lingers just a hint longer before those dark eyes pin you to the ground.Â
âYou said you can clean? Cook?âÂ
You nod quickly. âYes, sir.â Guard dog Joel. Stocky pitbull, teeth long and wet Joel.
He tilts his chin towards the house.
âKitchenâs in the back. I gotta clean up the wagon and the horse, then gonna tend the field. Iâll be back in a few hours, but Sarah knows where to find me if yâneed somethin'.â
You nod again, but he misses it, turning away to unbuckle the horse. You slide your trunk and Ellieâs satchel off the end of the wagon and head into the shadow of the house.
The white clapdoor snaps shut behind you, followed by the softer snik of the screen clicking into its frame. Slipping the bobby pins out of your hair to release your hat, you take in the Miller home.
The air is cool. Dust motes float in the sunlight streaming in from the second floor over a staircase with wooden wainscoting leading away from the open front room. With a brief glance up, you can see the faded white walls of the upper hallway, some not-yet-seen window drawing in bolts of morning light that pierce the air in bullet holes. Itâs quiet and it smells warm, like lace kept in the back of a drawer near a wall that faces the heat outside.Â
A blue two-seater couch faces a squat fireplace, with a Queen Anne table sandwiched between the two. Behind you, a large grandfather clock ticks and waits, a server waiting in the shadows with a watchful eye to report back to its master on the going-ons of the house. With only a cedar hutch, a few daguerreotypes, a smattering of books, the room is sparsely decorated, but kept clean and organized. You could see Sarah, a focused look in her eyes, sitting on the steps of the stairs and making Joel move and rearrange furniture over and over again until the room felt right.Â
Through a white arched doorway, you find yourself in the kitchen. The light sparks more brightly here, the sky a stark blue through the four square window over the kitchen table and above the sink, reflective of the sun. You realize then the house runs north to south at an angle, where there are limited windows in the walls on the east and west sides, thereby limiting direct sun exposure and, more importantly, heat. Both the kitchen and the front rooms had been built out of the line of the sun, making cooking and cleaning and living bearable without a painful glare.Â
A thoughtful and patient consideration.
Someone had attempted to add some levity with brown and blue plaid wallpaper around the cove of the dinner table, all the way to the other side of the room around the kitchen counters and stove. But unfortunately for everyone else, the wallpaper is hideous, only tampered by the off-white counters and cupboards.Â
The cupboards have glass doors, blurring ceramic cups and plates on the tops of the shelves.Â
It reminds you of the small apartment Anna and you lived in back in Boston, when it was just the two of you. It wasnât much, but it felt sturdy, secure. Safe.
A door to the right of the stove has a latch, and you lift it and poke your head inside. A chilly darkness greets you, along with the scent of wet, deep earth. A basement? No. Not this close to the kitchen. Curiosity pulling you forward, you descend the sturdy wooden stairs, into the sunken darkness. You count ten until a draft licks your ankles. You keep going, one squeak of wood after another until - you touch soil. The heady scents of pine bark and peat moss soothe the air from where your feet press into the ground, fertility thick like mushrooms in the gut of a lichen-drenched tree. But itâs dark, too dark to make out much, barely your own hand in front of your face. With your fingers outstretched, as if youâll bump into a gas lamp conveniently on the ground, you shuffle forward and almost immediately a cold chain tickles your face. You grab out of instinct and pull.Â
Nearly blinded by the light that erupts from an exposed bulb directly in front of your left eye, you stagger back, wincing, your footsteps muffled by the earthen floor. You blink through the tears as the secret at the end of the stairs finally reveals itself.Â
A pantry. A cellar.Â
At least twenty feet deep and ten feet high, with rows and rows, stacks and stacks, wood shelves cover nearly the entire length of the underground room. In between the rows, large barrels sit, quiet and sturdy, with bottles of vinegar and olive oil sitting on their rims.Â
You realize two things within seconds of each other.Â
This house has electricity. It stands above the ground, proud, independent, full of heat and light. So unlike your husbandâs dark hole in the ground.Â
and
there is so much food.Â
Pickling jars. Seed pouches. Culled wheat. Cans of fruit and vegetables and eggs. Olives with squash and pumpkins. Crates of potatoes and half bottles of wine and syrup. Onions and carrots and spices and garlic.
A feast. Meals for days and days and days. The bounties of earth stored, safe beneath the ground, like a secret.Â
Itâs more food than youâve seen in years.
A hunger like you canât remember having roars in your stomach out of nowhere and everything pitches to the right. The edges of your vision blurs, your shoulder knocking into stone wall, and breathing becomes a nearly impossible task. You turn, nearly stumbling up the dozen steps that have turned into a thousand.
The tacky memories that stick to the crevices of your dreams yawn awake, bringing with them dry mud in your mouth and thick salt to your eyes. Mud, dirt, dust â everywhere. In that stinking hut in the ground, the dust replaced your molecules, your atoms, until you too might blow away, until you are cracked and empty and dry. The static from the dust storm memories shoots down both of your arms and you sway on your feet. Your heart suddenly pounding so achingly fast, you have to drop your forehead against the flat surface of the closed door to keep the room from spinning.Â
You had forgotten what safety looked like.
You had forgotten what living could be.
You know the ringing sound of that gunshot is just in your head, itâs not real, but you shudder all the same, your hands curling into claws under your chin, your nails tearing up the white paint.Â
Youâre here, not there. You are safe. Ellie is safe. That house and him have been entombed together under piles of dirt, with the bugs and the rot and the stench from the weak stove. Rivers of sweat rolling down the back of your neck, you beg yourself to stop shaking. You feel like cheap terracotta pottery â made from dirt, left too long to bake in the sun and made brittle; one good tap and youâll shatter.Â
You breathe in and taste wet salt. Breathe out and cry â cry from the fear and the dread and the relief and the hope. God, that hope tastes worse than all the dirt in the Panhandle of Texas.
You cry and cry and cry until you donât feel so brittle anymore.
Sunlight has struck copper, heavy, tangy in the mouth, when the back door opens and the house is instantly filled with the sound of girlsâ rabid conversation. You step back from the stove, cheeks warm and arm sore from continuously stirring the rice and vegetable soup. Itâs not as thick as your mother once made, but without milk, it would be nearly impossible to improve. You smile at the girls as they tumble in, more dust mite than human, whispering about some secret.Â
âHaving fun?â You ask with a grin on your face as Ellie helps Sarah take off her shoes, already attentive to what a girl with her health concerns might need.Â
Thereâs an overlap of chatter as Ellie and Sarah both answer you and then, answer each other.
âWell, good,â you say, turning back to the stove, making sure the bottom of the soup doesnât burn, âbut whatever you got up to, itâs all over your faces so please wash up before dinner.âÂ
âIt smells real good, miss,â Sarah says as she hobbles over to the sink and starts rinsing off her arms and cheeks, while Ellie takes off her own shoes. âWhat is it?â
âSomething my mom used to make when the cupboards were bare.â
Sarah stills, the water rushing over her soft skin. Those inquisitive eyes are just as captivating, just as forceful as her fatherâs, but for entirely different reasons. She tugs the words out of you by the sheer, needling strength of her gaze.
âI mean â I found the cellar, the house is incredibly well stocked, but I didnât see any preserved meat or dairy and I didnât â I didnât think your dad would want me poking around out back.â
Immediately Sarah softens and rolls her eyes. âDadâs all bark and no bite,â she huffs. âWeâve got stored beef and cheese in an ice chest downstairs. Iâll show you around tomorrow.â
You smile and those brown eyes go warm in the coppery light. ���Thanks, Sarah.âÂ
âBunch up, I gotta wash my hands too.â Ellie none-to-gently bumps Sarah with her shoulder to get to the sink but before you can scold her, Sarah swings back, using her precarious momentum, and pushes Ellie back. They both giggle. Something thatâs been cramped far too long in your chest loosens.Â
âSo, Sarah, tell me where you are with your schooling. Do you have books, diagrams?â
She thinks for a minute as she opens a drawer that leaves her back to you and takes out two, then four thin cloth placemats. She hobbles back to the table to carefully spread them out.
âI was up to seventh grade before the school shut down. That was about two years ago, so Dadâs been trying to make sure I donât forget anything. He got me a Midsummer Nightâs Dream by Shakespeare a while ago and made me read it out loud to him. He has me work on my letters every day â including cursive.â She adds, with a bright spot of joy cranking her mouth open. You imagine someone like Sarah would have beautiful penmanship. âHe shows me around the yard, asking me to identify plants and animals, especially anything that might be poisonous. I donât think he really understands it but he explains what happens when you add water to a seed and keep it in damp earth. Oh, and he has me help balance the books for the farm â what we made, what we sold, how much we have left, stuff like that.â
You smile at her over your shoulder as Ellie hands her bowls. âAccounting.â
âHuh?â
Ellie rolls her eyes. âItâs so boring, donât worry about it,â she whispers conspiratorially.
âWhat your dad is teaching you is called accounting,â you say a bit firmly, eyes tracking your niece as she shows no shame. âItâs a very special skill to have, especially if you work on a farm or in a business. Do you like it?â
She nods rapidly, those cork-screw curls bouncing around her thin face. âYeah! I do! Iâm much faster than Dad when it comes to figuring out the sums and dollar value.â
In the front hall, the clap door creaks open then slams shut, heavy footfalls proceeding the man that makes them.
âDoes that happen a lot?â you ask softly as Sarah sidles up next to you to peer into the pot.
âWhere I know more than my dad?â Sarah smirks up at you, all devious youth. âMore often than you think.â
A mini sun bursts from the ceiling as Joel flicks on the light switch and is almost immediately tackled by Sarah. The copper sun on the horizon finally, in the distracted moment, slips down and drags the night behind it. Itâs purple twilight outside when Joel lifts his head from the embrace around Sarahâs shoulders to stare at the two strangers in his kitchen.
âDinnerâs almost ready,â you say brightly and you can almost picture your mother in the same exact position in front of the stove, stirring soup until her cheeks were pink, her hand resting low on her back, her tummy round and full in her second attempt to keep her husbandâs rage diverted from her. Itâs a boy, she promised.
The memory makes you so violently ill out of nowhere, you lose your appetite. But you persevere; you carry on and load up the bowls Sarah stacked for you. Ellie saves you from having to dislodge the prickly knot in your throat when she snags a bowl and eagerly yells, âget it while itâs hot!â
The arrangements from the stove to the table are a bit of a blur, the slick anxious weight from earlier today curling around your lungs again as you remember shadows in chairs like these, but so different from the flesh-and-blood bodies that occupy them now.Â
Youâre dazed, a little light-headed, but not so much to miss the glance between Joel and Ellie. A junkyard puppy skirting the territory of an older watchdog, a bone in each of their mouths and dragged to opposite corners of the battlefield. Satisfied with the lines of demarcated territory that had been drawn, they call a temporary truce by eating in complete silence, until Sarah groans.
âOh my god, this is better than it smells!â she hums, her mouth full of potatoes.Â
âJust wait till she adds chicken,â Ellie grumbles, mouth cupped open to keep from spilling. You watch her, a faint smile on your face, and the slippery feeling fades. When cleaning up, she missed a spot on her left nostril and you fight the urge to clean it with your thumb.
âThereâs more.âÂ
Your gaze snaps to Joel hunched over his bowl. The spoon that Ellie and Sarah have to both clutch in their fists to eat barely swings between his massive fingers.Â
Joelâs dark eyes trace down your nose, your chin, your neck, to where your hands lay flat on the table in front of you. Your own bowl and spoon sit on the counter behind you. You worry you might have upset him, with the way heâs frowning.
âThereâs more,â he repeats, same tone.Â
âI'm sorry?âÂ
He puts his spoon down and clears his throat, then nods to the pot on the stove. Ellie watches him out of the corner of her eye.
âI saw how much you made. If youâre hungry, you should eat.âÂ
As though speaking a language only you could hear, he looks at Ellie the same time you do.Â
She frowns. âWhat? Is there something on my face?â
Sarah begins to giggle, nodding, when Joel starts again.
âYou should eat. Thereâs enough.âÂ
Itâs like his eyes can see through your blue veins and clammy skin, to your yellow bones and clawing stomach. You choke on the mudball thatâs been hovering in your throat for months and nod.
âAlright.â
You donât know if youâre actually hungry â you canât really remember the taste of warm food â or if youâre doing it just to appease him, but something about the heat of the bowl and solid spoon in your hand, it rouses you from this sinking you find yourself in. Your bones feel like jelly.
âHowâre the fields, Dad?â Sarah asks with her big eyes, seemingly unaware of the layered exchange between you and her father, or kind enough not to address it.Â
He responds to her, his voice deep in the cavern of his chest. Itâs an easy way he speaks to her, heavy with the seriousness sheâs earned to be talked to like an adult, but gentle enough that for all his low grumbling, it comes out as a thick murmur. You find yourself listening to their conversation, their interactions, as soothing as music turned low from a well-tuned radio. Ellie is even roped in when Sarah tells Joel all about the Space Family Robinson and Ellieâs knife. âItâs really cool, Dad,â she says preemptively. âShe knows how to use it and sheâs really safe.âÂ
âWell, if itâs really cool . . .â he fills his mouth with potatoes, tamping down the ghost of a grin on his lips around the spoon.Â
Ellie shuffles in her seat, her own hesitant smile glittering in her eyes, and with only minor prompting, she holds no prisoners when gleefully telling Sarah that sheâs got the story of finding a mess of wriggling worms out by the back of the barn all wrong.Â
âJust keep âem outta my side of the bed, alright?â You grin at her, spooning another dribble of soup into your mouth. Youâve realized too much, too fast can just as easily twist your stomach so you focus on cradling a digestible amount of food â broth, potato, carrots â in the well of your spoon.Â
But the landscape beyond the silver lip has stilled. Both girls are happily slurping up the last bits of their meals, throwing quips back and forth, but Joelâs shoulders have locked up again, the bones of his wrists flat, a static alertness that youâre sure would travel all the way down to his ankles if he was standing up right. You arenât sure if Sarah has picked up on the subtle change in his breathing â from the deep well of his lungs to shortened and shallow â but somehow you have.Â
Youâre staring at him far too long.
Those thick eyebrows pitch down again. Beneath the loose button that pins your dress closed over your chest, you feel a swell of heat and you wish you were like Ellie, capable of making an easy joke â what, is there something on my face? The heat bubbles almost uncomfortably under his weighted gaze.Â
âI hate bugs,â you blurt out, desperate to give him what he wants, if only you knew. The girls glance at your sudden outburst. âI donât like worms especially. I donât mind straw beds, as long as theyâre clean â I mean, IâI hope they are, the straw beds, not the worms.âÂ
Another eternal second of being pinned down by Joelâs frown, this one decidedly less hostile, before understanding breaks open the harsh lines of his mouth and around his eyes. His eyes go wide for less than breath, then he drops his gaze to the bowl. His shoulders shift, muscle redistributing weight as he settles his thick forearm closer to the edge of the table.
Oh, that relief of muscle says.Â
âYouâre not sleeping in the barn.â Joel says, head tucked down. At that, Ellie slows her ravenous eating and frowns at him.Â
âThen where are we sleeping?â
Joel lifts his head, a new, special emotion just for her tugging on his mouth: exasperation. âMy room. You two in there and Iâm takinâ the couch.âÂ
Shame and embarrassment drip down over your skull, between your ears, like a cold, runny egg.Â
âNo, we couldnât possiblyâ,âÂ
He shakes his head, eyes still on the split potato chunk at the bottom of the bowl. His hand flexes briefly and you think of it around the bridle of the horse.Â
âItâs not up for discussion.âÂ
Beside him, Sarah frowns at him and youâd wonder how many times in her life heâs ever said that to her â if you could think properly over the roaring of blood in your ears.Â
âJoel,â you say, something syrupy under your tongue molding the words Mr. Miller into a tone youâd use for an old friend. âI canât ask you toâ,â
Hand flexes. The seat of the chair squeaks.
âYouâre not askinâ, Iâm tellinâ.â Youâre still vastly underprepared for when those eyes - those deep, dark eyes - suddenly snap on you, as if your very presence commands his entire attention. You notice the dirt underneath his nails and around the knot of his wrist on the table. Heâs filthy.Â
Quietly, with the surety of a dog slipping its snout between its paws, he cuts the last chunk of potato in half with the curve of his spoon. âThe new mattressesâll be here next week. Weâll make do âtill then.â
The slurp of soup between his lips seems to signal the end of the conversation, but you canât quite mash together your kaleidoscope-spinning impressions of the man across the table from you.Â
âThank you . . . Joel.âÂ
He nods, back teeth breaking apart the soft mush of the potato. He swallows and glances back up at you.Â
âItâs good,â he says, briefly holding his spoon aloft. âYou did good.â
His words burst the choking bubble in your chest and warmth drips down your spine, splashing in the cradle of your hips. Hunger rises, but itâs a different kind of hunger. A growl of neglect. One you sometimes wondered if it was even possible for you to ever even feel.Â
Even while you were married to your husband.
You put your spoon down to keep your hand from shaking. The soup wonât feed this new churning hunger and, frankly, you donât know what will.Â
You did good, he praised, parsed out like torn bread tossed across a black lake.Â
It makes you warm in places food never could.
The immediate next morning, you meet the sun early, eagerly. Eager to wake and rise and become so useful, you are intricately tied to this house; if you are removed, a vital piece of the land, the prairie is torn up along with you. Ellie sleeps softly next to you, curled up in the same position she was in the hotel bed, tucked in so tightly as if to take up the least amount of space possible. She sleeps, unbothered, blissful, and again you fight the urge to brush the hair that covers her sleeping eyes. You settle for tugging the beautiful quilt, with its stunning blue and red and green patches, up to her shoulders.Â
As you tie your dress up, your suitcase partially open and on the ground, movement from outside in the dawning pink catches your eye. A brisk shadow, those thick shoulders proceeding a taught waist are unmistakable as they move towards the barn. You stand, transfixed for a moment as broad hands slide open the barn doors, you hear a faint creak, and he disappears inside. The capability of those hands; the surety, where every action is deliberate and intentional â it makes something arc up your throat. A warm piercing that bursts through bone and muscle alike. Trembling fingers tug at the wilting lace around the cuffs of your dress, imagination stretching out into the dark morning, inspired by curious and impossible ideas of those hands.Â
Something â most likely Sarah next door â squeaks the floorboard and those tendrils of thought snap back as if someone had slammed a lid shut. You glance at the clock and make a mental note to wake up earlier tomorrow, to beat him to the kitchen.Â
You are also desperately eager to get out of the room where you can practically smell Joel on the walls. Itâs simple, just like the rest of the house, but amongst the hand-drawn sketches of himself and birds (likely gifts from Sarah), the half-spent candles and well-read books, you find him in everything. You wonder, briefly, if the indentations made on the cotton mattress are from him or you â the scent of his hair in the pillow from sweat or soap.Â
The encroaching feeling that you donât belong here in this house nearly swallows you whole as you dress in a room you definitely donât belong in.Â
Joel remains a distant figure, a familiar shadow across the lightning horizon, long after you finish the eggs and toast. You consider perusing the pantry for blueberries or something similar, when Sarah comes down. Fresh-faced, dressed with the care most people reserve for church, she stumbles in, her braces clacking as she finds a seat at the table.Â
You notice a brief flash of pain across her face when you bring over a plate of food. She unconsciously rubs a circle with her thumb on her left knee as she picks up her fork.
âPain today?â You ask, eyes on her knee, even though itâs obvious.Â
She nods, strained. âJust a little bit. But itâs nothing. Iâm sure itâll go away when it warms up outside.âÂ
You doubt that is remotely true, but you let her hold the comforting lie. She doesnât seem like the type to swallow pity with ease, and neither was Anna. You put on that detached but focused "nurse's" mask, your lips a straight line and brow furrowed, your voice slipping on something more commanding too.
âLet me see.âÂ
Sarah blinks at you briefly, evidently surprised by your shift in demeanor but eventually, she obeys. She drops her fork and slides the chair back, the chair legs squeaking against the rough wooden floor.
You crouch in front of her, gathering up her ankle first and testing its mobility.
âWhen were you diagnosed?â you ask, as soft as you are firm.
âNever, technically.â She watches you and occasionally winces. You wonder how long sheâs grown stiff like this. âThe doc had left over braces that Dad bought before the guy skipped town.â
âSo then how did you know it was polio?âÂ
By her sudden stillness, you know this is the first time that word has been uttered under this roof in a long time. You lower her ankle, rising gaze meeting hers. Her mouth is pulled tight. You can practically read the familiar headlines as they scroll across her mind.
New Polio Cases by the Thousands
Polio Claims Life of Infant
Polio Outbreak: Thirteen Dead
âNot every case is serious,â you say, gently, using the word serious in place of fatal. You donât want to scare her unnecessarily. But by her wide eyes, you know the word sits in her chest all the same.Â
âI know. And I know it can be made worse by moving too much. Thatâs why Dadâs always on me about resting and going slow.âÂ
You return to your examination. Her skin is rubbed raw in some places by the braces. You remind yourself to ask Joel for some old sheets to make better padding.Â
âThatâs not always true,â you say, shifting to her other leg. âEven though she was sore after, Anna often said she felt the stiffness go away after walking around the neighborhood block.â
Curious, Sarah tilts her head, those lovely curls swaying like leaves in a breeze. âWhoâs Anna?â
Your skin around your eyes tightens â how could you be so careless with such a secret â when you hear feet thundering down the stairs and a second later, Ellie swings around the lip of the doorway.
âIs that toast?â She asks, eyes wide and hopeful. âIf you got bacon, Iâm gonna start kissing faces.â
You and Sarah exchange a small grin before you stand up right and Sarah returns to her own meal.
âNo bacon today, but who knows what else is stored in the pantry?âÂ
âOh, fuck yeah,â Ellie exclaims as she slides into a chair, her own plate pilled far too for a girl her size. âTreasure hunt.âÂ
You see the tips of Sarahâs ears go briefly pink at Ellieâs language but the muffled smile on her face hints at awe, impressed â so you let that one slide. A stream of light through the half-shut curtain tugs your thoughts outside, to the man literally toiling in the fields.Â
âDoes your dad want me to bring him some food?â You ask, standing from the chair and glancing out the window. You canât see him any more and for some reason that makes your chest go tight.
Sarah shook her bouncy curls. âNo. Heâll come in and get it when heâs hungry.âÂ
You didnât like the idea that you werenât going to be directly feeding the man who employed you literally to cook for him and his daughter.
âDoes he like coffee?â
Sarah arches an eyebrow at you. âYeah, he loves it. But Iâve tried for years to make it the way he likes and he always drinks it, but I think a little piece of him dies inside every time he does.âÂ
âThen you must be a great cook too,â Ellie smirks up at her. In response, Sarah smiles impishly around a mouthful of eggs.Â
You hold that little bit of information about Joel - something you knew that he didnât know you knew - close, like a dollar bill in your pocket. You drum your fingers, searching for memories of how Anna used to shoe-string coffee when you couldnât afford a maker in Boston.
âDid you eat?â
Ellieâs voice tears your gaze from the window. Her plate is only halfway empty. Her fingers uneasily move the fork around.
âYeah,â you answer truthfully. In fact, you are rather ashamed by how much you took, sitting at the table in the purple dark, before you remembered that you had to feed three other people. âIâm good, Ellie. Thanks.â
She nods, returning to her plate and shoveling two bites into her mouth without slowing down.
âWhatâs first today?â Sarah asks, her eyes bright. âI can show you my sums. We have a chalkboard in the barn.â
You smile at her eagerness to show off while Ellie dejectedly pokes at her remaining floppy eggs. She had never been one for school, another thing you found hard to relate to about her. Fortunately for her, Anna nor you ever had the time to be as diligent about her education as Joel had been for Sarah. And unfortunately for her, you intend to fix that as quickly as possible.Â
âIâd love to see them, Sarah, but would you mind showing me around the cellar first? Maybe there is bacon hiding down there somewhere.â
You donât miss the small smile that creeps across Ellieâs face.
âJunk or keep?âÂ
Sarah looks up from the tip of her stick dragging nonsense through the barnâs dirt floor, her chin flat in her palm, elbow on her knee. She frowns at Ellie holding up . . . something that might have been a tractor part at one time.Â
âI donât even know what that is, so â junk?âÂ
Ellie shrugs, tosses the piece back and forth in her hands, and then chucks it like a ball to the opposite end of the barn. It collides loudly with the wall and Flora, the white and black cow, lifts her head at the noise from her stable and lets out a low groan.Â
The entire barn smells of hay and animal but in a way that is warm, almost comforting. The two cows lazily munch from their troughs in their stalls, occasionally eyeing you as you carry items back and forth. Itâs fortifying in a way only working outside and with your hands can offer.Â
You turn to her disapprovingly but sheâs already back, elbow-deep, in the pile you had designated hers to sort. Sarah, to whom you suggested rest this morning, goes back to boredly drawing circles in the dirt. Even though she clearly hates the idea of being idle, you are surprised she takes your medical advice without any fight.Â
If you had successfully completed your duties as cook, now it was time to take on your other task as teacher. Sarah had a few textbooks, but mostly outdated and only one copy. You know trying to find a full library in times like these is laughably impossible, but there is nothing wrong with hoping for a blackboard. Youâd made one before when the school district you tempted at didnât approve new funding, and you feel confident you could do it again. Trouble is, you have nowhere to put it, much less set up a laughably impossible classroom for two students.Â
Until Sarah casually mentioned the unfortunate pile of junk in the back of her fatherâs barn, âtaking up at least half the space in there.âÂ
She wasnât wrong.
âYuck â is your dad a hoarder?â Ellie asks with slight disgust as she pulls up a stack of newspapers held together by twine. âWhy does he even have this stuff?â
Sarah grins, delighted by Ellieâs prickly teasing. âThis place actually used to be pretty organized. This was his space for a long time â where he went to think, or figured out what crops we needed for the next year.â
Her smile crumbles. âBut, uh, then I got sick and now he doesnât come out here unless it's for work.â
Ellie pinches the soft of her cheek with her teeth, nodding, her eyes downcast.
âSo . . . junk?â
âYeah, I guess so.âÂ
The stack of newspapers comes up to her knees and Ellie struggles, off-balanced, to carry it across the hay-covered floor.Â
You reach for it and she gives it to you gratefully. You take it with a smile; you never know what sheâs going to appreciate or just see it regretfully as charity or pity.Â
âI think your dad is losing it,â Ellie says as she wipes sweat from her brow, shaking her head far too seriously. âLosinâ it, big time.âÂ
Sarah giggles.
You drop the stack of papers in the corner, but when you let go, the string snaps and the papers spill everywhere. With a sigh, you kneel down and gather them back together, but not before a few headlines catch your eye.Â
Your heart twists.
Paralysis Takes Three Children
Join the Mothersâ March on Polio
QUARANTINE: POLIOMYELITIS
Why would Joel keep these? Everyone knew how devastating polio could be to children, even infants. Why would he â
Roughly dispersed throughout the article, sentences and phrases were underlined in blue pen. Sentences containing, âiron lungâ, âbedrestâ, âantibioticâ â
No cure.
Warmth spread out across your chest. Joel was looking for a way to treat his daughter, the only way he could in a town without a doctor: outside information. Something about this makes the space beneath your chest bone hurt so badly, you get a little nauseous.Â
Now you consider conserving these papers as if they are important historical documents. Behind you, where Ellie and Sarah are lobbying jokes back and forth, you see more stacks of neatly contained newspapers. He looked everywhere and found nothing.Â
You reshuffle the stack that fell, when you spot something else that hardens the warm feeling in your chest and makes it brittle.
Mob Over Breadline Kills FIVE
Experts Say There is No Way Out of This Depression
Mother of Drowned Children Claims She Did âWhat Was Bestâ
The rough floor hurts your knees. Eyes closed, you try to ignore the flood of images of what you witnessed in Boston, how desperate and cruel people became in Oklahoma. With each memory, your heartbeat pounds harder.
Red. Blood. Pink. Skin. White. Bone.
The riots got to be so terrible, but people were just hungry.
Ellie calling your name jerks you out of the sinking muck of memories.Â
âWhat? What is it?â
She eyes you with distant concern then glances at Sarah. âShe wanted to know where you learned all this stuff.â
âAbout cooking, and teaching, and nursing,â Sarah clarifies. âI think Iâve read every book in our house probably four times and I still feel like I donât know anything.âÂ
âYou probably know more than you think,â you offer as you scoop up the uncomfortable newspapers, easily switching tracks of thought to mute the swell of horrors from the rotting box in your mind. You leave them in the corner for Joel to do what he wishes with them and stand, dusting your dress off. âWhat do you call the process by which plants get energy from the sun?â
Sarahâs eyes brighten immediately. Where her body fails her, her mind is as sharp as a tack.
âPhotosynthesis!â
âGood,â you nod, smiling. âAnd whatâs the primary source of energy in animal cells?â
âThe mitochondria!â
âVery good.âÂ
Ellie sighs angrily from her pile and puts her hands on her hips. âI think Iâm gonna make like mitosis and split, if we keep talking about all this boring stuff.â
Scorned for her love of learning a second time and already in a bad mood from the pain this morning, Sarah frowns.Â
âWhatâs your problem? Why do you act like school sucks? You had your mom teaching you â,â
âSheâs not my mom!â Ellie snaps back, her knuckles white around a rusted bucket. âSheâs just my aunt!â
âYeah, well, I have an uncle I never even get to see!â Sarah stands up as smoothly as she can, but her knees and ankles are pink again. Her calves shake. âYouâre lucky!â
Ellieâs teeth clench in the back of her jaw, lip curling.Â
You remember distinctly more than once having to pick Ellie up from school early because sheâd been caught fighting and you take a step in her direction, even if Sarah could no doubt land a few solid ones in.Â
âAnd youâreâ,â
âEllie.â You know how rough Ellie can be. You remember the tone to take with unruly students, even if you donât mean an ounce of it. âDonât. Just let it gâ,â
âWhy do you always take her side?â That ire whips around to you. Loyalty, that was another trait her mother favored. Ellieâs shoulders roll forward, her fists clenched. âWhy do you let her talk like she knows anything about us? About Mom?âÂ
âIâm not taking a side, Ellie,â you say firmly, your chin tilted down to her. One day sheâs going to be taller than you, you know it. âBoth of you, this is enough.â
That was the wrong thing to say. Ellie tosses the broken bucket in her hand to the ground and storms towards the barn doors.Â
âYou just like her because sheâs a fucking dork like you,â she growls under her breath before shoving open the large square door.Â
It swings shut, the metal clattering against the wood. The brief stream of light filtering in is shortly swallowed up into the shadows again.Â
âIâm sorry,â Sarah says almost immediately, her brown eyes swiveling on you. Her skin is tinged a little lighter and thereâs sweat along her hairline. With a fleeting flash of worry, you wonder if sheâs in more pain than she lets on. âI didnât mean it . . . I mean, I think she is lucky to have â but . . . I shouldnât have said that.â
She drops your gaze and you think those dark eyes might be softer, wetter than usual. She plucks at the hem of her dress, her mouth twisted to the side.Â
Where Ellie explodes outwards, Sarah implodes inwards. You never could understand Ellieâs inclination to destroy everything around her.
You hand her a broom, with a smile on your face.Â
âDo you want to tell me about your uncle?âÂ
She takes it slowly from you, eyebrows furrowed down. This is a look you are familiar with, even when it comes to Ellie. She is stuck between answering like a kid, getting it all off her chest to be free of the emotional burden, and swallowing it all to please the adults in her life.Â
Youâve also found Ellie tends to open up when she doesnât have to look you in the eye. Sarahâs own gaze is stuck to the floor as she vaguely sweeps at the hay.Â
âWe donât talk about Uncle Tommy a lot,â she mumbles.Â
You focus on untangling an old bridle. âOh? Why?â
âDadâs still pissed at him for moving out to California. Said he left whatâs really important for a bullshit dream.â Her eyes pop up, wide and shocked. âSorry, thatâs what he said.âÂ
Despite your limited time with him, you can easily see how Joel Miller might take something like that personally, but you just store that away too, another breadcrumb leading the way.
âWhy California?â
âItâsâ,â
The barn door opens again and Joelâs shadow breaks through the almost painful white light. Behind him, Everett (the horse) snorts and huffs, pulling along the giant creaking plow, the air suddenly pungent with the smell of warm dirt, leather, and animal sweat. Joel murmurs something to the frothing snout and wipes his own forehead with the back of his arm, smearing sweat and dirt across his browline. He stops when he sees you two staring.Â
By Sarahâs wide eyes, itâs clear Uncle Tommy is a subject that is not often brought up in this house either. Joel frowns, but just as he opens his mouth, you interject â you know how to deflate a potentially angry man.
âWe were just cleaning up the back of the barn,â you say, careful not to use words like junk or scrap heap. âIâm hoping to use the space as a school, for Sarah and Ellie.âÂ
His gaze settles on you, like the dust at his feet.Â
âMhmm.â His tone scrapes something low in your stomach.Â
âIâm sorry â I should have asked â I didnât think â,â
âNo, itâs â,â he shakes his head. His eyes catch Everettâs foamy nose and he pats it, noting the long sweaty forelock. âSmart. Next spring, weâll come up with something better, but thereâs no time now, with the harvest cominâ.âÂ
You nod, peeling off what you were going to say from the back of your teeth with your tongue. Joel casually drags his fingers through Everettâs forelock before stepping back to unhook the plowâs leather buckles. Itâs when he shifts towards Sarah, looking to her, that he grimaces.Â
He put his weight on his right knee and it immediately caused him pain.
âWe could help,â you offer, eyes on his knee, his thick fingers rubbing into the muscle just above his knee cap. "Ellie loves being out in the sun and I can teach her how to plantâ,â
ââM fine,â he mutters gruffly, straightening up and wiping his hands on the cloth around his neck. âSarah, go inside for a bit. Thereâs something she nâ I gotta discuss.â
His tone indicates this is not the time for eye rolling but she does it anyway.
âIâve said for years that you need help, Dad. Sheâs just offering toâ,â
âSarah, inside. Please.âÂ
Sarah scowls and drops the broom against one of the stalls. She hobbles out of the barn, first scrunching her nose up at Joelâs obvious smell, then muttering something about having to go look for the hell spawn. You finger the scrap metal in your hands, a fluttery nervousness growing in your stomach the closer Sarah gets to the door. With one more disapproving shake of her thick curls, she shuts the door behind her.Â
Everett nickers and paws the ground, eager to be returned to bed after a long morning of work. Light streams in gold from the slanted windows above the loft, separating the front stalls from the back of the barn where you stand, fidgeting. Thereâs no escaping the hot animal smell now, and itâs your turn to be intercepted by Joel.Â
Another apology is nearly out of your mouth when he speaks first.
âDo you know how to shoot a gun?â He asks, his mouth set into a firm line. In the half-darkness of the barn, you canât quite make out his eyes.Â
You swallow against the encroaching dryness in your throat. âI-I have a gun. Keep it in my purse, o-only for emergencies and Iâ,âÂ
âThatâs not what I asked.â He shakes his head, tone soft, almost gentle. He glances past you to the stacks of newspapers you had moved into the corner, the ones about violence and pestilence. He rubs his fingers between the bridle and Everettâs thick hair. âFound a hole in the barbed wire fence today.âÂ
You frown, the tension of his voice indicating a severity you are utterly unprepared for. âWhat does that mean?â
âSomeone tried to cut through.âÂ
A white hot panic lurches up your spine out of nowhere. Fueled by fear, you see the outline of your husband shambling across the propertyline and you go cold.Â
âW-why would someone do that? What are they after?â
His hand stills as every muscle in his body briefly tenses. Eyes dark beneath a tight brow, the tightness in his jaw is an answer and a threat all at once. He looks almost offended by your question.
You know exactly what they would take.Â
All you can do is nod.Â
Everett nudges Joelâs shoulder, impatient to get out of the harness, for that bath he so very much deserves. As though you had disappeared, Joel unbuckles the restraints, taking a brush to the gray coat as he goes. Maybe youâd misread that last signal and he thought he told you to fuck off.
You move towards the back door when his voice, timbre deep and low, stops you again.
âIâm gonna to teach you to shoot.â He announces to the lathered withers of the horse. âBut you keep that gun on you, at all times, especially when youâre out with the girls. You got that?â
He pauses just as he slides the hitch off the horse's back, his arms covered in dirt as dark as the leather. Itâs minute, the shift in his weight, but you suddenly realize he wants verbal confirmation.
âY-yes. Yes. Iâll take it with me.â
The minutia shifts again, a lessening of tension across his broad shoulder, his thick back. He nods.Â
âGood.â
The aching need for him to say more, for that good to turn into you did good or good job â or good girl â it sparks so fast and hot inside of you, you think youâll choke. Instead, you leave through the door on unsteady legs, jaw locked tightly shut.Â
You find comfort in the monotony of sewing.Â
Anna always scolded you for it, that you were âgiving into womenâs work.â
How are they ever going to take us seriously when you actually like doing this dainty shit?Â
But where Anna seemingly delighted in her mile-a-minute thoughts, you need an outlet â some way to settle, to ground yourself in the here and now. Furthermore, you could sew anywhere â on the train, on the bus, in a foreign house in the middle of nowhere where you were, again, dependent on the kindness of a complete stranger âÂ
It isnât sewing specifically that you enjoy. If there was another activity where your mind could detach itself from your body, you would have liked it too. Here, in this space of blank concentration, you separate further from yourself with every stitch you pull together. Here, you are not a sister, a housewife, or an aunt. Not a nurse or a teacher or a failed fieldhand.Â
Not scared of living or scared of your husband or scared that youâll fail your sister over and over and over again âÂ
For a handful of minutes, you are not scared and you are the closest thing to yourself you can possibly be. You think, as a child that might have been the closest youâd actually been to understanding your own wants and dreams and desires, but now it is through this act of repetition, of delicate guiding, do you find yourself remembering what it was like to exist unafraid, as thoughtless as a child.
You sit on the edge of Joelâs bed, eased into something vaguely like relaxation by the needle and thread in your hand. Youâd found some old pillows in the barn earlier today and surprisingly the stuffing was still intact. After watching Sarah struggle today, you knew you couldnât spend another second watching the poor girl hobble around on painful braces.Â
Itâs twilight, the sun gone beneath a blanket of scarlet and indigo, everyone fed and full â the girls almost instantly forgetting their first fight in favor of a discussion about their most effective marble-flicking techniques â and you already have at least one leather-bound pad that is twice as thick as her old one. You grin, excited to share your creation to her. You wonder what Joel will say.
Through the wall over your shoulder, in Sarahâs room, you can hear the low murmur of their voices, as quick and fast as two co-conspirators. You canât quite make out what theyâre saying, but the words donât matter. It is the high joy in Sarahâs voice, or the creaky laughter from Joel. They could be speaking in a completely incomprehensible language but the sentiment is unmistakable: you make me happy and I love you.
I love you.
The needle and thread stills in your lap.Â
You glance out the window, to a much smaller shadow in front of the barn as it cuts and darts in the blurry half-light. The silver tip of Annaâs knife winks in the glint of the light from the windows as Ellie slashes and digs in the open air. Alone.Â
In the late hours, in the hours when the veil between life and death felt so especially fragile, Anna made you promise that you'd look out for Ellie, to raise her as your own. To finally give her a childhood like the two of you never had.Â
You had done that. You raised her. Sheâs alive and healthy and fierce.Â
But would she find your sentiment about her unmistakable? Do you know hers as intimately as you knew your sisterâs?Â
Do you make her happy when both of you are constantly reminded of the ghost between you?
Sarahâs chatter echoes throughout the dark house, disembodied and entirely untethered.
Itâs one week into this new, adjusted life in a house you havenât yet found a home in when the unthinkable happens.
A loud, wet cry startles you awake and immediately your hand flies towards Ellie, panic like ice in your jaw. Your palm touches her shoulder, but sheâs already sitting up, eyes towards the door. She glances at you and from your stumble out of a dreamless sleep, you realize it wasnât Ellie who made that noise.Â
It comes again, as sharp as a bone crack, and you both scramble out of bed.
Sarah.Â
Up against the far wall, in the corner where her bed tucks up into the corner, Joel holds her like a lion clutches to prey.Â
Giant, fat teardrops pour down the sides of her ashen cheeks, those bright eyes clamped shut, her mouth twisted in agony and she claws at her fatherâs forearm across her shoulders. His other hand is going white from her fingers crushing his in a bone-cracking grip. His voice is soft, firm, and fast in her ear, comforting and scared as hell, as she whimpers.Â
Every muscle from her thighs down is stretched taut. Every muscle unwillingly tightened, flexed, the chemicals in her brain battling the commands of the bacteria. The pain, as described in medical journals, is crippling.Â
Ellie glances at you out of the corner of your eye. Muscle spasms.Â
âSarah, darling, how long has this been going on?â Sheâs trembling from the pain and exhaustion. You wrap your robe around you before kneeling down to inspect her â and you feel Joelâs glare nearly singe the skin from your face.
âDonât touch her,â he snarls and pulls her closer. Sarah whines and buries her face in his shoulder, trying to stifle her sobbing to keep from shaking and causing more spasms. âSheâsâ,âÂ
âI can help her, Joel.â Your training became a bulwark â strong, immobile â in moments like these. Maybe it was all an act but that first rush of hope that you could ease pain, soothe what hurts, made you feel like you were made of gold. You let that unbreakable shine pierce Joelâs gaze. âBut you need to listen to me.âÂ
Sarah squeaks and you watch his resolve instantly break. Shakely, he nods.Â
âEllie,â you instruct over your shoulder. âGo start boiling water. Thereâs a pail out on the porch.â
She is out the door before you finish your sentence. She knows exactly what you need.Â
Help on the way, you turn back to Sarah, her feet twisted in grotesque contortions.Â
âHow long has this been going on?âÂ
âAbout ten minutes,â Joel grumbles. She squeezes his hand so hard you hear his knuckle pop. She sobs, open mouth, and he presses his cheek to her. He murmurs softly, âIâm sorry, I know, Iâm sorry.âÂ
âIs this the longest fit sheâs had?â
Joel reluctantly nods.Â
âSarah,â you say and gently touch her knee. She peels her eyes open, cheeks stained with tears, eyes wet with fear. âWe need to loosen your muscles, okay? Thatâs whatâs causing you pain right now. So, weâre going to use heat and pressure to do that.âÂ
She nods, gaze solidifying with your every word, every word a new step out of the path of pain. Joel smooths her curls off her sweaty forehead, his own wide-eyed stare never leaving your face. You roll up your sleeves and curl up your hair off the back of your neck just as Ellie stumbles back into the room. Sheâs got at least five towels around her neck, and sheâs red-faced and straining from keeping the pail of boiling water from spilling or burning her. She eases it down next to you and hands you a towel. Both of you each take a side and immediately tear the one in half.
Before you wore gloves, some sort of protection, but now there is no time. You hear Ellie inhale sharply, recognizing what youâre about to do a second before you do it.
You dip the towel into the steaming water, let it soak, and pull it out. You grit your teeth against the immediate burn on your palms, the trail of fire over your knuckles and wrists, as you squeeze out the dripping water, Sarahâs soft cries in your ears enough to push past your own pain.
Half-way between an inhale and an exhale, you think you hear your name.Â
Ellie already has another dry towel loose around one of Sarahâs legs. She glances at you, her brows knitted together.Â
Ready? She asks without words.
You drape the hot towel around her leg and Sarah yelps. She thrashes in her fatherâs arms as you wrap the towel tighter and tighter. Expecting Joelâs inevitable bark, a hard shove against your shoulder, get away from my daughter â but it never comes.Â
As soon as you tighten the towel as firmly as it can safely go, Ellie slides in next to you and begins to massage the muscles in her calves, her feet, her toes.Â
Sarah whimpers again, but the sound isnât as sharp, pain-choked. Joel holds her tighter, as if her torso is also knotted and could be relieved with warmth.
On an inhale, you pick up the other half of the towel, drench it in boiling water, and wring it out with your bare hands. A silent prayer for lotion is fleeting as it drifts through the dense focus of your mind. You squeeze out the dripping water and wrap Sarahâs other leg, prepped again by Ellie. She watches you as you tug and tuck the steaming towel, her own focus as sharp as a tack, mirroring your motions as you knead and massage the muscles.Â
After a few minutes of faint whining, a couple of sobs, the room slips into an exhausted silence. Her breathing slow on his chest, Joel draws back her damp curls and finds her face relaxed, asleep. His mouth parts and the skin around his eyes goes slack.
Relief.Â
With a shudder, Joel knocks his forehead against hers, his thumb on her chin as if to feel her breathing. You look away, the moment so tender it shouldnât be witnessed.Â
You realize then how badly your palms ache.Â
The towels have lost their immediate heat, so you unwind them. Ellieâs small hands overlap yours as she helps. For some reason, you canât bring yourself to look her in the eyes. The both of you fall back into roles most comfortable to you.Â
The wet towels gone, you wrap her legs more tightly this time, slightly past the edge of comfort. You ease her back, flat into the bed, and some small part of you is aware Joel is letting you guide her. He slips out from behind her when you tuck her in, tight with another blanket around her legs. She could be exhausted for days after this.
âWeâll need to keep heat on her legs every thirty minutes, fifteen if we can manage,â you say as you fold up the damp towels. Joel hasnât moved. Stares down at Sarahâs small body. âIâd like to keep a warming pan here, to have hot water on hand if she wakes up in pain again. When she comes out of it, she needs water and food. Have her eat it slowly, small bites at first.â
You remember a doctor at the hospital where you trained as a nurse give advice to a newer doctor: medical mysteries and illnesses are one thing. Nervous parents are something else.Â
You call his name and he doesnât move.Â
You step forward, touch his forearm, and he blinks at you. He feels so remarkably solid.
âJoel. Sheâs safe.âÂ
âDo you want me to go get more towels?â Ellieâs gathered the damp towels off the floor, her chest wet. She stares at Sarahâs bed frame.Â
âGet breakfast first. Then I might need your help later.â She nods, turns to go, but hesitates. Her mouth is pinched tight, eyes wide, looking for something to ground her, to calm the vortex that the adrenaline in her veins widens with each beat of her heart. She looks so . . . childlike.Â
She looks so much like Anna.
The momentary fortified strength shatters and you're afraid again. What do you say to comfort her? What would Anna say? Good job, I'm proud of you, thank you -
But then she turns away, carrying the dripping towels, and you lose your chance to parent.
Joel has curled himself into the rocking chair by her bed, so close his knee touches her mattress. He holds her thin hand in the cup of his two massive palms. His heel taps loosely, quietly against her rug, every possible outcome of this morning striking him in the chest with each drop of his foot. His face is a blurred, dark shadow, hanging between his shoulders.
To describe Joel in this moment, nervous seems quaint.Â
In silence, you gather up the tepid pale of water and exit the room, closing the door after you.
The rest of the day passes in haze, tendrils of sleep still between the cracks in your brain left there by the harsh break into consciousness.Â
You have Ellie feed the animals, and you start a load of laundry. The ratio of dry towels to wet is rapidly becoming unbalanced and you know after the initial attack is over, pressure is more important than heat. Sarah has barely moved all day but she is responsive and drinks water when she comes out of her deep sleep. Youâve made soup again â a heavy meal that doesnât require much managing and can be easily re-served â and it gives you time to think. Sarah mentioned the doctor skipping town, that he had all but dropped everything and ran. You wondered what else might be in the doctorâs old shop. Morphine seemed too valuable to have been ignored in any ransacking, but often doctors kept a secret supply, unbeknownst to even most nurses for special cases or when supply was low. You think about that and stir the pot as the sun crawls across the sky.Â
With your head bent over the pot, something moves in the field outside and you watch with surprise as Ellie leads one of the cows, Fauna, out of the barn. Through the rippled glass, you watch her talking to the cow, her face scrunched up in concentration, and shockingly, Fauna appears interested, her big ears flicking back and forth. But Ellie leads her only a little bit from the barn, in the grass but visible from the house. She drops to her knees and takes out a wooden stake and a hammer â nevermind where she found those â and then ties Faunaâs lead rope to top of the stake sticking out of the ground.
Ellie wags her finger, her back to the window, her stance very serious. You smile to yourself and to Anna as she marches back inside and shortly returns with Flora, the other cow, to do the same. She gives them both a stern talking to, as evident by her hands on her hips, before turning back to the house. You glance down, knowing she wouldnât appreciate it if you saw her babysitting the cows. It was what Joel did every morning â let the cows out to graze â but she did it in her own Ellie way: on a smaller scale and perhaps with a little more gentleness.Â
See, Anna, sheâs all grown up.
By nightfall, both of you are exhausted. You donât know how Joel manages to run this place by himself, especially with a sick child, but after one day, youâre ready to curl up into bed and never leave. Ellie looks like sheâs about to face-plant into her soup, her eyes half-shut. You smile, stretching, before gently shaking her shoulder.
âGo to bed, Ellie. Youâre exhausted.â
She blinks harshly, indignant and scowly, as you take both your bowls to the sink. ââM fine. Just a lilâ â,â she yawns deeply, âsleepy.âÂ
âYouâre right. My mistake.â
âBesides, we got coffee coming, donât we?âÂ
On the counter, your make-shift coffee press gurgles, the cap steaming from the bubbling water over the grounds you found in the cellar. You eye her over your shoulder.
âYou donât even like coffee.âÂ
âYeah but youâre staying up, right? You and Joel?â
Neither of you had seen Joel leave Sarahâs room all day. Ellie eyes the ceiling as if she can see right through it.Â
âIâm taking him some food and a cup of coffee,â you say as you finish drying the plates. Thereâs a rigidness to your hands as you delicately lay the plates flat, unconsciously careful to keep them from making a sound as they touch. âBut at St. Josephâs, some of the nurses would offer to keep vigil, to give the parents a chance to rest.âÂ
You know in your heart he wonât take it. You just hope he finds your coffee inoffensive.
But Ellie doesnât respond. She sits still, staring at the ceiling.Â
âEllie, sheâs going to be okay.â
Those bright eyes fall on you. âYou canât know that.â
In your hands, you wind the damp towel between your fingers. Theyâre pink and still ache but the rough linen is a welcome distraction from the churning acid in your stomach.
âThis isnât going to be like last time,â you say, your hips against the counter. âSarahâs infection is nowhere near her lungs. And sheâs been responding to treatment.â
Ellie drops her gaze, her bottom lip curled between her teeth.Â
âDonât say that unless you mean it. Unless you can swear to me.âÂ
One of lifeâs simple truths: parents lie.Â
You recognize there is a part of her that wants you to look her in the eyes and lie. Sheâd be angry, eventually, if your lies were exposed, but in that moment, as she sits in an unfamiliar house, at an unfamiliar table, with you and this wretched ailment the only things she knows to be constant â she wants a comfort you canât give her. You are not capable of parental truth.
âI canât promise anything.â
She inhales, breathes shaky, and exhales, the spoon in her hand trembling. âI know.âÂ
Hands full of a white, chipped food tray, you knock twice carefully with one hand like you had been trained to before opening the door. The lamplight has been turned on, but the room, blanketed in darkness and shadows, looks the same. Sarah sleeps deeply, if not well, her hand curled by her face against the pillow, her heavy storm of curls cradling her head gently. Joel watches her, as still and silent as the moon. His foot has settled, but now he breathes so slow he might not be breathing at all.Â
Of all the terrible things you had seen during your time as a nurse, witnessing someone like this is always the hardest. Feeling helpless is a sentiment you are all too familiar with and the thought of someone just sitting there and watching you with your grief makes your skin itch.Â
âJoel.â A formality, because those trapped in a cyclone of worry require a slow approach, easing a startled animal. âI brought you something to eat.â
Speaking, it lets him acclimate to your voice.Â
You set the white tray on Sarahâs dresser, a piece of furniture meticulously crafted. Like Joelâs room, there are books everywhere, but more animal drawings, some directly on the walls. Sarahâs brilliant personality expanded here, in the blues and pinks, not capable of being contained in a single body.Â
A body that seems so small and fragile in that little brass bed, while her father looms impossibly large.
âJoel.â Again, soft, but this time you put a hand on his bicep. Never near the neck, an older nurse warned you, that area is sensitive. His denim shirt is soft beneath your fingers, nearly bleached white from the sun and worn smooth from dust and dirt and wind. You think you smell churned earth and hot leather in the instant it takes you to kneel down beside him, your grip sliding from his shoulder to his forearm. With the other hand, you tip a steaming cup into his open palm.Â
âSarah told me you liked coffee.â
Slowly, as though he had blinked and reality disintegrated and reformed around him, Joelâs gaze slides from Sarahâs waxy face, to yours, and then the hand on his forearm. The back of your scalp prickles, the bulwark of courtesy shaking, before you remember youâd done this hundreds of times, to people of all ages, men and women. He seems to understand this â a professional gesture â and he takes the mug from you. With an almost perplexed expression, he stares into the nearly black liquid, his jaw tight.Â
And then he drinks, without saying a word.Â
You think you might have heard a low rumble from him, a pleased groan as heavy as the plow in the barn outside, but the floorboards creak when you stand up, so you might have been imagining things.
âThis tastes good,â he says bluntly, voice weather-beaten. You smile into the bowl of soup as you wave a hand over the steam to cool it down to something bearable. âHow?â
Despite his monosyllabic responses, you take this as a good sign. Something tells you that youâve made exceptional progress by getting him to talk at all.Â
âI got pretty good at making cowboy coffee, as my sister used to call it, before we moved to Oklahoma. You already had the beans in the cellar,â you say, shrugging as you bring the soup over to him. He eyes it warily, as if this is not the appropriate time to eat, as if his own suffering would make Sarahâs lessen.Â
Youâd only ever seen that instinct in a handful of parents while in the hospital and it made something wide and warm press up against your chest bone.Â
So you donât give him a choice. You push the soup into his hands with enough speed that he has to take the bowl or drop it entirely. He, like most people with common sense, takes the bowl. He has a second to frown at you before you turn away to Sarah.Â
âAnd I suspect they were hidden down there on purpose?â You ask as you take out another blanket from the basket beside her bed and flutter it over her legs. You remember stories about the women working with Elizabeth Kenny filling quilts with rocks or beans, anything with weight, and putting them over the affected limbs of polio patients. The compress soothed the ache.Â
Sarah snores gently in her sleep as her father behind you laughs, a soft rush of air from his nose, his mouth preoccupied with a half-grin.Â
âI try not to hurt her feelings,â he admits quietly. You hear the clatter of metal on porcelain as you fold and refold the blankets to carry more weight. âThat girl is a lot of things, but good at making coffee isnât one of âem.â He slurs around the soup in his mouth.Â
Itâs hard to believe sheâs only a year older than Ellie. They have both lost things, indescribable things at too-young an age. But where Ellie carries it in the grip of her hand around her knife, Sarah takes it on the chin.Â
Polio, a disease of freezing agony.Â
You wonder how much of Sarahâs inner world she keeps to herself.Â
Like with Ellie, you fight the urge to brush a lovely curl away from her cheek.Â
âYou have a special girl here, Joel.âÂ
You feel his gaze on the back of your neck and you drop your gaze from her pristine face, remembering itâs not your place to look at her like that. Not like how you want to look at her.
Not like how you might want to look at him.Â
Joel shifts on his feet, leaning forward to put the now empty bowl on the ground.
âI know.â By the strength of his tone, he admits to knowing that you see the bright light about Sarah like he does and so he lets you look. Your heart stutters at this silent transference and you grab blindly for that mask of noble duty.Â
âHow has her breathing been?â You sit down next to her and pick up her wrist, feeling for that steady pulse. You relax slightly when itâs easy to find. The beat of it is a little faster than you would like, but it hasnât woken her up.Â
âGood.â A disgruntled groan from the chair as he adjusts behind you. His voice is rich like molasses, dripping warmth down the knots in your spine. âWoke up here nâ there, like you said. Gave her food. Got her water. But she just went right back to sleep.â
âBut she ate and drank?âÂ
He nods out of the corner of your eye. You check the mobility of her joints and they seem to be back to their natural looseness. Whether sheâll feel strong enough to walk is another matter entirely, but itâs not good to worry him unnecessarily.Â
âThatâs good, Joel. Thatâs really good.âÂ
You smile at him and finally, finally, the corners of his eyes soften, his brows pluck up, and he breathes deep. The tension leaves his body the way steam leaves a lake in the hours before dawn, the cup of coffee resting on his thigh. His gaze falls from your face to hers, shrouded in shadow.
âSheâs never slept this long after an attack,â he says quietly. âAlways restless, pain flaring up. We once stayed up a whole day and night when it got bad.âÂ
He shakes his head, clears his throat a bit as if the words in his mouth leave behind a mucky, sour taste.
âThank you. For treating her properly.â
For doing what I couldnât.Â
Itâs true. But no amount of reassuring â Iâve just had training, you did the best you could â would dissipate that repugnant scent of guilt lingering in the air. You are forced to let it linger, unable to say a single damn thing that would mean anything to him.Â
As he finishes the last dregs of coffee, Joel unwinds his long legs from beneath the seat and his knees crack. Stiff joints after a long day of stillness, but immediately his fingers fly to that same spot he touched in the barn in that afternoon, his mouth tight from the unexpected flash of pain.Â
Immediately you kneel down, worried at the slight hiss he made, fingers inches from his thigh when he straightens.
âYou donât have toâ,â he shifts as if he can pull away from your touch and stay seated. âItâs not that bad â,âÂ
You frown at him. âCan the person here who has had actual medical training determine that?âÂ
Something light flickers over his eyes, so fast it might not have been real, smoothing the lines around his mouth. Joel nods, glancing to the floor.Â
âYes, maâam.â
That single word almost splits your skull in half like lightning.Â
You are immediately grateful for the heavy shadows in the room. Your palms, smarting all day, are now blistering with heat. Mouth shut tight, you donât trust whatever sits behind your lips, so you begin your inspection of his muscles. Thumbs down, you feel along the lines that lead down to his knee.
Hard, firm, you notice. Made solid by work and toil. A few of the bricklayers and farmers youâd attended to had muscles like these. Despite the rough denim and how unsettling it is to be this close to him, itâs easy to lose yourself in the methodology of the human body. Youâve learned to read sinew and bone and scar tissue like a map and you come to find that the topography of Joel Miller is mountainous.Â
âSo, mhm, whereâd you learn to make coffee?â
You thought the stiffness in his thigh was due to lingering pain, but when you look at him and his guarded expression, chin tilted into his chest, fingers tight around the bottom of the seat, you realize he is uncomfortable. He is made uncomfortable . . . by you. Something sharp pokes through a slot between your ribs and you sit up straighter, trying to make your touch even more clinical if possible. But what he says next, you arenât sure if itâs genuine or genuinely meant to hurt.
âYour husband?âÂ
You shake your head. âMy sister, actually. Ellieâs mom. Weâd trade night shifts when she was a baby. One of us would come home from our second job, and the other would leave for their first. Anna said sheâd never have survived those first years without coffee.â
You can hear the question he wants to ask buzzing in his head, your thumb rubbing therapeutic circles around the inflamed area. But instead he asks:
âAnd you . . . you like coffee?âÂ
You shrug. âI donât think I ever slowed down enough to ever taste it in the first place.âÂ
With Joel Miller, silence means a thousand things. Itâs not the way he looks at you, but the way he looks into you.
âAnna always said weâd be fine, that two unmarried women with a baby could make it in the city. But I wasnât so convinced. There wasnât much time for something like enjoying the taste of coffee because I was always busy taking every job I could get.âÂ
âLike treating sick kids.â He says it like he just found a piece of you off the ground and added it to a sprawling puzzle. He politely stares over your shoulder.
You swallow, throat tight. âActually, um, Anna had it - polio - too. I took the job as a nurse to learn how to treat her from home.âÂ
Those heavy eyes swing into you full force and you can feel your stomach roll and collapse against your spine.Â
âEvery case is different, Joel. What I did for Sarah, it wouldnât have helped someone like Anna.âÂ
âBut she died?â A third unwelcome presence.Â
âYes. She went fast. There was nothing anyone could do to save her.â
There was nothing you could do to save her.Â
Your thumbs are starting to ache, but you donât want to leave just yet. You want to sit and listen to his voice, even if itâs pitched in anger towards you.Â
But itâs not. His next words come out soft, if not a little bit disbelieving.Â
âWhere did you come from?â Joel asks. âYou said the city, Oklahoma. Howâd you end up in fuckinâ Dalhart, Texas?âÂ
You use your elbow on the thicker muscle up his thigh and he tries very hard not to wince.Â
âWe grew up in Boston. City girls all our lives. We had big plans of catching the bus line and going all over the country, just the two of us, but then Anna got pregnant and overnight, everything changed.â
He nods, knowingly. You add that to your own Joel Miller mosaic.
âI met the man Iâd marry while I worked as a maid in a motel. He was a banker, or so he told me, and he wanted to whisk me away. We were three months behind on our rent, so I told him yes, I'd marry him after knowing him for a week â as long as I got to bring Anna and Ellie with me. All he talked about was money, so I thought he had it. What he did have was enough to get us to Oklahoma, buy some farm equipment for the wheat boom, and then lose it all in a handful of years.â
âAnd then we lost Anna. We lost my husband. I went back to trying to find a job in town with no jobs.â You pull your hands back, the deep tissue of his thigh flushed with blood from your therapy, and having nothing more to do, little more to say, you drop them into your lap. âJust after we missed the payment for the equipment for the second month, I got a letter from a man claiming to be my long lost Uncle Robert. I hadnât eaten in three days and Ellie just got tagged by the police for shoplifting. I sent him a letter back and he said if I sent him our last twenty dollars heâd get us set up in Dalhart where he had a successful car dealership. I did and he didnât and if you hadnât picked us up, I donât know what we would have done.âÂ
You sit with the hot truth of it and he sits with the both of you. Itâs silent in a way that only a house in the middle of nowhere can be. Sarah stirs in her sleep, her legs rustling the sheets, but doesnât wake up.
âYou donât have to do that here, you know.â He straightens his legs, just as quietly as the rest of the house. He crosses his arms over his chest and you think about the muscle just under his forearm, thick and immobile as sea-drenched rope. âNot eat . . . for Ellieâs sake. Thereâs enough for you and her. Always.â
You think of the cellar with its soft dirt, cool air, the endless rows of stored fruits and vegetables and meat, buried like a still-beating heart beneath the dust-whipped house in a paradise on the prairie.Â
âBut I understand the inclination.â With you on the ground before him and Joel leaning forward, elbows on his knees, his broad back arching under the stripe of white moonlight, he looks at you.Â
Really looks at you.Â
Like recognizing like.
A passing in a distorted mirror that might be me but itâs not but I think I know you all the same there is a thing just like me out in the world and it sees me.
Slowly, hesitantly, as if heâs afraid youâll bite, he reaches forward and takes your wrist from your lap. The calluses on his thumb brush roughly against the knot of bone as he twists your palm upward. Pink, too pink, a stinging color, even in the low lamplight. Joel works his jaw back and forth, staring at your palm with weary concern, as if it told him things he didnât want to know.Â
His gaze lifts and your fingers curl instinctively in. Heâs trying to make you look and you donât want to. He sees your sacrifice and you donât want it called that, thereâs certain nobility in sacrifice, in a sort of suffering for other people, but itâs not sacrifice if you go willingly and despite you not wanting to look, not wanting to put a name to it, not wanting to take up any space at all, he looks at you like he, a man as broad and wide and powerful as he, is grateful.Â
For you.Â
Every bulwark inside of you, every foundation that you had built yourself because you never had the chance to grow hearty roots somewhere permanent, rumbles. Shakes, beneath a single solitary, rolling earthquake. A landslide of earth behind the strength in his eyes.Â
âFor her, for Sarah, Iâd do the same,â he says.Â
For her. For the children in your lives.Â
Do you even like coffee? All you know is how to make it. What would you do with it if you did? If you liked coffee? If you loved it.
If there was someone outside yourself and Ellie to make you coffee simply because you wanted it. Because you were in a circle of people for whom people would do things for. For her. For you.Â
The heart of Joel is like coffee: dark but warm.Â
Your wrist slips between his fingers, finding refuge again in your lap.Â
âI know.âÂ
You wonder what it would be like to be within Joelâs circle of people for whom he does things. To be given coffee, just because you want it.Â
You bet itâs warm.
You stand up, collect the empty, used things, and wish him a good night.Â
A noise and sunlight startles you awake. Your eyes tear open, hand flat on an open pool of sunlight in the center of the mattress, head twisted and knees bent up by your chest. In your sleep, your body twisted itself into a Gordian knot, unable to escape the dreams about the cellar ground turning into coffee beans, and the cramped bloodflow leaves you disoriented until you can roll onto your back and remember where you are. The smells that surround you.Â
You hear the noise again and you think of Ellie and in that instance where complete consciousness returns to you, the weight of her is gone. Literally.
Ellie is not in the bed beside you.Â
The roomâs brightness is suddenly too bright, the clear, electric blue sky too blue â itâs too beautiful and it lulled you into a sense of comfort. Stupid, so stupid. You ignore the warm floorboards against your bare feet, the faint birdsong from outside, as you rush towards the source of the sound, towards Sarahâs bedroom â oh god, I was wrong itâs too late it took her in the night and I â
The sound you do not recognize, the sound you could not comprehend while buried in dreams and memories, is the sound of laughter. Loud, full laughter.
The brass bed creaks as Ellie uses the mattress to fling herself into the air. On the other end, just as determined to reach the ceiling, is Sarah. Hands outstretched and reaching, her legs bend and flex and propel her up and up. Every time she gets within a handfulâs reach of the ceiling, Ellieâs laughing, cheering her on, and then itâs her turn, Sarah giggling as Ellieâs face scrunches up as she reaches out towards the blue sky on the other side of the roof.
âOh, hey!â Ellie says, pink-faced and causal, half-way out of breath. Sarah spins, mid-way through a jump, her eyes bright, sweat peaking on her brow line. âSarah bet â I couldnât touch â the ceiling â so weâre taking turns â loser has to shovel â the barn!âÂ
You watch, dumb-struck, as the bet continues, the girls laughing and criticizing each other and offering techniques as they work in tandem to fling the other one higher. Sarah is flush with vitality, with life, with a dewy glow reserved for spring mornings when the earth stretches awake after the death of winter.
And Ellie . . . she looks her age.Â
The earth has shifted beneath your feet, while you were sleeping, and a seedling has been planted, the dawn of something new, something fresh and utterly unexpected. You can feel it in your bones. Hear it in their laughter.Â
âNot a bad thing to wake up to.âÂ
Joel, arms crossed, eyes soft, leans up against the door frame, blue striped pajamas low on his hips, a thread-bare white undershirt cupping his biceps. He eyes you from toe to head and stops when he meets your eyes. You wonder how long heâd been standing there â if he too woke to noises he couldnât explain, rushed in here, and found something miraculous.
The smile crinkles his eyes as it unfurls across his face.Â
âI havenât heard her laugh like that in a while,â he says quietly, head tilted towards the bed, as if there could be any other meaning. âI owe you one.âÂ
You could say the same thing about Ellie.
Thereâs the line, the boundary of the circle to the place of being warm. Heâs not cleared the way for you, not invited you across, but heâs shown it to you. You can see it, feel it, and know what it takes to get there.
Your smile blooms. The girlsâ laughter rings throughout the house and into the sunlight.
But, outside of paradise, away from the river and the white a-frame house, from the horse and the cattle and the long strands of prairie grass, where there is not enough to eat and the earth is in its death rattle, the wind blows. It swallows up dust, and dirt, and fine sand, gluttonous. It swirls and pulses, agitated and restless and seeking violence. Spinning with the power to blind with a single whip of dust, it spins up over the earth in its death rattle, where there is not enough to eat, towards the prairie grass. Towards the horse and the cattle. Towards the river and the a-frame.
Towards paradise with the promise of total ruin.Â
END OF PART IÂ
series masterlist | AO3 Link | prologue | part ii
#joel miller#joel miller x reader#joel miller smut#joel miller series#joel miller au#joel miller imagine#tlou fanfiction#the last of us fanfiction#the last of us hbo#joel miller tlou#tlou fic#joel the last of us#the last of us fanfic#joel x reader#tlou hbo#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller the last of us#joel miller x female reader#joel miller fluff#joel miller fic#joel miller x you#lover share your road
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can we have lov trio + overhaul discovering that their s/o had been cheating on them? đĽş
When They Think You Cheated
Omg, anon, no! I'm so bad at writing break ups, so I'll change the concept a bit to them believing their s/o is cheating, but she's not.
Fandom: My Hero Academia
Featuring: Shigaraki, Dabi, Hawks, Overhaul.
TOMURA SHIGARAKI
Tomura is an insecure man. That is no secret to either of you, however, he understands how his insecurities may harm your relationship, so most of the time he voices them out so that you can both talk about them, and you always end up reassuring him.
Today, though, he cannot, for the life of him, think of a way to talk out the fact that you have a hickey on your neck. What is there to talk about? The truth that he ignored was that you accidentally burnt your neck earlier this morning while doing your hair, it would've never occured to him, especially when he was as angry as he is right now, observing your neck, a thin layer of make up attempting to cover the mark, but failing. Why would you even hide it if there was a reasonable explanation? He knew for a fact that he didn't left that on your neck.
As much as he wanted to yell at you and dispose of all his rage, truth was that he was really hurt, and so everything he managed to do was confront the reality with resignation. "Who did that?" He asked calmly, but you could hear bitterness in his voice. "What?" You asked, not very sure what he meant. He looked at you angrily now, it was very clear. "Who's the guy that you are seeing? Or do you just happen to have a different one every now and then? You know, I always thought of you as a smart girl, but it is very stupid of you to let them leave your neck like that, you could've tried harder to hide it." You finally understood what was going on... Oh god. He tried to sound as if he didn't care, cold and indifferent, but you knew how incredibly hurt he was.
You immediately got up and approached him, reaching for his face, but he moved to avoid your touch. "Tomura, look, it's a burn mark, I did it with my straightener, I swear." He looked at you through narrowed eyes, still not believing you. You rushed to your room and came back with your straightener in hand, turning it on and attempting to place it on your arm, but Tomura immediately stopped you. "Are you crazy?" The man scolded you, and you looked at him desperately. "It is a burn, I swear." You repeated. Now starting to doubt himself, Tomura then reached for your neck, caressing it softly with his thumb, rubbing a bit of the make up off. You were right. Oh no. He truly felt like a fucking asshole. The man sighed before pressing his forhead against yours. "I'm truly sorry, (Y/n). I'm so, so sorry." You were just relieved it all ended. He spent the rest of the evening tending to your wound, scolding you for putting make up on when it was still so fresh and kissing your cheeks in hopes you would forgive him. Never again will he act like that, that's for sure.
TOUYA TODOROKI | DABI
Touya sits silently on the edge of the bed as he observes the hotel recipt he found under the bed. It dates a week back, when you were supposed to go on a work trip at a completely different city than the one this hotel was at. Now, he can be very confident some days, and very insecure some other days. This is one of the latter days, evidently. In moments like this, thousands of thoughts run through his mind. Why? Is it because of the scars? But you said you didn't care. Did you lie? Of course you did, who would actually choose him over anyone else? He feels stupid, and so heartbroken. He loves you. He really does, and now all of this hurt has turned into uncontrolable anger.
He stands up and walks to the kitchen, where you turn around to smile at him as soon as you hear him coming, only to be greeted by his beautiful blue eyes contorted in pure rage. He must be a very scary adversary to his enemies. "What the fuck is this, (Y/n)?!" He asks while holding the recipt in his hand, speaking those words through gritted teeth, as if his jaw was frozen because of how angry he is.
"Wait, Touya, is not what it looks lik-" The villain slammed his fist on the kitchen island, flames emanating from it. "It's not?! Really, (Y/n)? Do you really think i'm this fucking stupid?â He is now yelling, very loudly. He starts getting closer to you, and you start walking backwards, trembling. He then takes one more step forward and you raise your arms as if you wanted to protect yourself. Now Touya is the one walking backwards. He would never hurt you, but as he took a step back, he realized that it really looked like it. Did you think that he was gonna incinerate you? Did you think he was about to hit you? The look on your eyes was too familiar, he had seen it in his mother's eyes way too many times. He sighed deeply as he burried his face in his hands. It seemed like he wanted to wake up from a nightmare, and then, as seconds went by and he wasn't lifting his head, you realized he might have started to cry, though he would never let you see him.
"That day-" you started speaking after several minutes, "I decided to stay at a different city because I heard about it being quiet and pretty. I thought maybe I could rent an apartment there, so you wouldn't be at risk. There isn't many people, it is indeed quiet, no one would recognize you, so I looked at a few places. There isn't anyone else I'm seeing, just apartments." Touya finally lifted his head from his hands, and you could see the relief in his eyes, but also a lot of guilt. A lot of it. He got closer, kneeling before you, pressing his forehead to your body, his hands clenching the coat that covered the sides of your frame. This was him apologizing. You caressed his hair softly, everything would be okay.
KAI CHISAKI | OVERHAUL
He trusts you, he really does, but what is he supposed to believe when you tell him that you are going to the grocery store and you lie. He went there to help you in case you had bought too many stuff since it was taking you a while, but you were nowhere to be found. Minutes later, you come home, smelling like men's cologne that clearly wasn't his own.
God, this can't be happening, he thinks to himself. You walk to him, hoping to get a kiss from the yakuza, but instead you are greeted with a cold stare, his lips don't move when you place yours over them. "Where were you?" He asks visibly angry. "At the grocery store." You answered showing him the two bags on your hands. "All of these hours just for that? You really don't want to piss me off, (Y/n). Not more than you already did." Now his tone sounds like a threat, and you get defensive. "What is that supposed to mean?" You ask him. You have always hated whenever he would talk to you like you were one of his men, and he knew that. "Where did you actually go?" Unbelievable. You still didn't quite understand where he was trying to get, but you did know that you didn't like the way he was interrogating you. "Did you go out to meet with someone?" He asked, this time, impatience ruled over his voice. Okay, so he thinks you are cheating. great.
Leting out a heavy sigh, you dropped your bags on the floor and approached the hurting man before you. Much to your surprise, he allowed you to take his face in your hands. "I went out to get you a new cologne, I noticed you ran out of the last one I gave you. I wanted it to be a surprise, but it is in the car, in case you wish to have it now."
God, did he feel like an idiot right now... You could tell that he was beating himself up mentally. The worst part of it was that he felt truly relieved that you hadn't fallen out of love with him yet. Despise him attempting to seem indifferent earlier, he felt like his whole world was crumbling down before him. Kai then took your hands in his, kissing them softly. "I'm truly very sorry, darling." He said sincerly. "It's okay, I should've made up a better excuse anyway." You replied smiling gently. He couldn't help but smile back, still embarrassed with himself. He compensated you treating you to dinner that night. Kai saw himself realizing how strong he felt about you. The sole idea of you leaving made him feel vulnerable and terrified for the very first time in a while. He was going to need to learn how to trust you more if he didn't want to lose you.
KEIGO TAKAMI | HAWKS
The pro hero had a lot of work all of the time. He would get home late very often, many times closer to sunrise than midnight. Of course, it was only logical for you to be asleep at those hours, which was always the case. Except for last week.
He had gotten home very late, but still earlier than usual, expecting to find his lover on his bed, hoping he could hold on to you for a couple of hours before he had to get to work once again, but you weren't there. Naturally, he freaked out, but just as he was about to go looking for you everywhere, the main door flew open. He hid on the bathroom, in case it was someone else, but all he saw was you getting on the bed and falling asleep almost instantly.
He let that incident go. He gave you the benefit of the doubt, he gave you his trust. This despite the uneasy feeling in his chest, however, today, you weren't on the bed either. Now the doubt felt very real. What on earth could you be doing at 4 am? He waited a couple of minutes, until you finally got home. The hero was trying his very best not to break down when he saw you. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this hurt. "That other bed must be really comfortable." He accused, startling you as you obviously weren't expecting to see him yet. "What?" you asked, a bit disoriented. "You heard me." Keigo then stood up from the couch, walking towards you. "How long have you been sneaking out for, huh? Cause this is the second time I witness this already" You realized how this looked immediately. Oops.
"Listen, Keigo, I'm not sleeping with anyone else. In fact, I'm not sleeping at all." The man looked at you confused now, all of the anger he previously showed you slowly disappearing. "I have been having trouble sleeping, so i go out and take walks in hopes i'll get tired, I'm sorry I worried you, yes?" You assured your lover as you took his hands in yours, offering him a tired smile. "But why? You used to sleep well before..." All of his previous worries seemed to be forgotten as soon as he realized how tired you looked, his hands roaming your face, as if they would figure out what had changed. "Yes, that was before you would leave all night, I guess I'm a bit more anxious now." You confessed. He felt very bad for adding to your already bad night with his insecurities. Soon after, though, Keigo managed to change his schedule, making sure to spend every night holding you, and he would be lying if he said he didn't miss you too. As for that particular night, he prepared you a tea and talked about his day until he made sure you had fallen asleep.
MASTERLIST
#bnha scenarios#bnha headcanon#bnha fic#bnha x reader#boku no hero academia#tomura shiragaki#dabi x reader#touya todoroki x reader#hawks headcanons#keigo takami imagine#kai chisaki x reader#overhaul x reader#mha x reader#my hero academia
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Hiii I love your account! đ with Rafe please and âYouâre so annoyingâ and âyou look pretty like thisâ if I can pick two hehe
Omg thank you so much!! Of course you can pick two! I hope you like it! Thank you to my angel @babygorewhore for beta readingđ¤đ¤
This is for my 1.6k celebrationđđ¤
Warnings: Reader is Topperâs sister, enemies to fucking?, blow job, hair pulling, face fucking, cum swallowing, a lil bit of degradation. 18+MNDI!! W.k: 1.7k
Rafe has been driving you nuts since, well, as long as you can remember, but heâs driving you especially insane today. All you wanted to do was lay by the pool with your fruity little drink and read your dirty romance novel. But no, apparently Rafe didnât want you to have a moment of peace while you were home from college for the summer. Why your brother had to choose him as a best friend and then also choose to stick with it for this long is beyond you. So he was just always around and it seemed like lately you couldnât escape him no matter what you did.
The minute they got to the house with beers you asked Topper if theyâd fuck off and chill inside but Rafe insisted they hang out in the back.
âItâs nice out, and I just canât pass up this view.â He smirks at you as he leans back in one of your momâs plush patio chairs, his eyes drinking in your barely there bikini.
âRafe, thatâs my sister man, how many times do I have to tell you that sheâs -â Rafe cuts Topper off with a scoff and a roll of his eyes.
âSheâs off limits, yeah, yeah, I know the fuckinâ drill Top.â That doesnât stop him from glancing over at you every ten seconds. Sending you subtle little winks over Topperâs shoulder, practically fucking you with his eyes and you hate how much you like it. You canât stand how much your body betrays you when it comes to Rafe fucking Cameron. He makes you want to rip your hair out, heâs arrogant, rude, and a classic spoiled preppy frat boy in every way. But that doesnât change the fact that heâs so god damn sexy.
âThe fact that you guys are being so fucking loud that I can hear you with my music on full blast is actually insane to me.â You slam your book shut as you dramatically pull your headphones off your head.
âMaybe you should stop being so fucking boring and come chill with us then.â Rafe blows out a hit as he holds the bong towards you. âWanna hit?â
âYou? Never.â You scoff, crossing your arm as you glare over at him.
âYou think youâre reaaal clever, huh? I know youâre lying, you want me so bad.â Rafe snorts, setting the bong down on the table before leaning back in the chair with his arms behind his head and his legs spread. Fuck.
âYou know what? Iâm over this. Bye.â You shake your head as you grab your things, making sure to send Rafe a death glare on your way inside the house.
Youâre inside for maybe five minutes when thereâs a knock on your bedroom door.
âFuck off, Top! Iâm changing, I donât wanna hear how sorry you are for how much of an asshole Rafe is for the millionth time!â
âExactly how big of an asshole am I? Huh, princess?â The sound of Rafeâs voice on the other side of your door has you practically growling as you storm towards it and rip it open.
âYouâre so annoying, Rafe, you know that!? Youâre like a fucking fly or some shit, always buzzing around with no real thoughts in your head!!!â You glare up at him as your eyes meet his own, stomping your foot in frustration.
âYou look pretty like this, ya know?â He rests his hand on the side of the door frame as he smirks down at you.
âLike fucking what, Cameron!?â
âAll pissed off at me nâ shit.â He chuckles, leaning down further so his face is only a few inches from your own. His breath smells like weed and beer but his lips are so fucking kissable that it actually just pisses you off more. âI think youâre just mad because you wanna fuck me and youâre in denial about it.â
âAre you fucking serious right now?â You scoff and roll your eyes but you donât even know if you believe yourself because you sound so full of shit.
âI mean, yeah. It also doesnât hurt that you still have on that tiny little bikiniâŚâ He wets his lips with his tongue as his hand reaches out to cup your cheek. He drags his thumb across your glossy bottom lip before releasing it with a pop. âI donât hear you denying it, baby.â
âI - You know what? Fuck it.â You practically lunge forward to lace your fingers into the material of his shirt using the grip to pull his mouth down to yours in a bruising kiss. He grips onto your hips, pulling you until youâre flush against him. He slips his tongue into your mouth and practically devours you before pulling away with a fucking smirk painted on his face.
âFuckinâ knew it, knew you wanted me.â He bites his lip while he looks down at you like he won the fucking lottery.
âShut up, donât be a fuck boy about it or Iâm not letting you anywhere near my pussy, Cameron.â You glare up at him with your lips set into that irritated little pout that makes him want to shove his cock between them.
âYour pussy? Shit, baby, you gonna let me fuck you? Iâve been wanting to wipe that bratty fuckinâ look off your face for years.â
âYeah? Well maybe I wanna wipe that cocky fucking look off of yours.â You grab onto his hand, pulling him through the doorway, practically slamming it closed behind him. You push him up against it before dropping to your knees and making quick work of undoing his shorts.
âShit, been fuckinâ dreaming about that pretty little mouth around my cock nonstop.â You pull his cock free and you canât even hide the shocked look on your face at the sight of it. He was fucking huge. Long and thick and so fucking hard, god you canât stand him.
âNo wonder youâre so fucking arrogant, you would have a fucking monster cock.â You roll your eyes as you look up at him and you can tell by the look on his face that heâs about to say some smug bullshit so you grab onto his shaft and spit on it.
âOh fuckkk, yeah, get it all fuckinâ wet.â He laces his fingers through your hair with a groan when you start to jerk him off. You pump him a few times before smirking up at him and taking him all the way down your throat in one motion. âGod damn, baby, knew you had a mouth on you but shit.â
You pull almost all the way off of him, just sucking his tip as you swirl your tongue around it, flicking it along the slit. You work the rest of him with your spit slick palm as you look up at him. And god. He drives you insane in every fucking way. He looks so hot, you hate him for looking so hot. His mouth is hanging open as grunts and profanities leave it. Those ocean blue eyes keep rotating between boring down into your own and rolling in the back of his head, that stupid ass button up heâs wearing is riding up a little and showing a sliver of his waist and his shoulders fill it out so perfectly.
âTake this shit off.â Rafe uses the hand not in your hair to grab onto the top tie of your bikini top and pull the knot loose. âFuck, fuckinâ knew you had perfect tits.â
You pull off of him with a pop, a string of drool still connected to your lips from his cock. When it breaks it drips down onto your chest between your tits and the sight makes his cock twitch in your hand.
âYeah? Bet you wanna touch them sooo bad.â You mock pout at him as you bring your free hand up to fondle your tits.
âDonât fuckinâ tease me, princess.â Rafeâs grip on your hair tightens and it causes you to let out a breathy moan. âOh? You like it rough? Open your fuckinâ bratty little mouth.â
You stick your tongue out for him and he uses his grip on your hair to pull your head back down to his cock. He glides it across your tongue a few times, hitting the back of your throat, causing you to gag. You wrap your lips around his cock and swallow causing your throat to constrict around him. He starts to thrust into your mouth while you continue to practically swallow his cock, swirling your tongue while you finally take what he gives you.
âYeah, thatâs fuckinâ it, little brat, your mouth feels so fuckinâ good.â When you reach up to fondle his balls he throws his head back and his free hand flys to his hair, tugging at the strands almost as hard as heâs tugging on your own. âGod damn, keep doing that - fuck - youâre gonna make me fuckinâ cum.â
âYo Rafe, where you at!?â Topperâs voice travels up from downstairs and Rafeâs grip on your hair loosens as his thrusts abruptly stop. But youâre not having that, you start to bob your head up and down, giving his balls attention as you deep throat him.
âBaby - shit - Iâm gonna cum down that slutty little throat, donât stop.â You donât, you suck him off like your life depends on it, drool dripping down his balls, down your chin, all over your tits. God, your tits, theyâre bouncing so deliciously and you look so fucking hot with your mascara running down your eyes like that, it has his cock twitching in your mouth. His cum spurts down your throat and you swallow every drop. âThatâs it, good girl, fuckinâ swallow that shit.â
âWhere are you man? You better not be fucking with my sister again dude!â You hear Topperâs footsteps coming up the stairs and Rafe turns to lock the door.
âYeaaah, itâs a little too late for that, Top.â Rafe chuckles as he grabs you by the hips and throws you on the bed causing you to giggle. âI suggest you fuck off if you donât wanna hear her screaming my name though.â
âDude!â
âGoodbye, Topper!! Get away from my fucking door!!â You hear him scoff before his footsteps recede back down the stairs.
âNow, where were we?â Rafe smirks at you while he wraps his hand around your throat. âIâm gonna fuckinâ ruin you.â
#rafe#rafe cameron#rafe x reader#rafe x you#rafe outer banks#rafe imagine#rafe smut#rafe fanfiction#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x you#Dolly writes#Dollyâs 1.6k celebration
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bodyguard!jj pulling his gun out on someone whoâs all up in your face đłđł It would be so hot Id probably have to change my panties
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trying to be ârespectfulâ on the job could be a pain in jjâs ass â and heâs not just talking about trying to be professional around you. you were sociable, too sociable, so more times than not the weekend would come and you, millionaire kook-nepo baby turned social media whatever would come dragging your bodyguard anywhere and everywhere that you could.
but like jj always told you, you could take the man out of the cut but you couldnât take the cut out of the man. it was often his actions would come across brutish, irrational, aggressiveâ but he did what he could to protect you. maybe he cared about protecting you a little too much, for selfish reasons instead of professional.
he stands a few feet back, giving you your privacy at this networking party youâd dragged him too. donât get him wrong, he loves a partyâ when he gets to smoke weed and drink beer. coming to a party strictly to stand there and stare at one girl all night wasnât exactly his mojo.
his bodyguard senses that heâd gained from working for you started to tingle as he snapped out of his thoughts, eyeing your body language. you were stiff, and whilst your back was to him he somehow knew the exact face you were making. this guy, the asshole you were speaking to was all up in your face, too touchy, a totally weird and off putting vibe. jj didnât wanna come across as overbearing, but then again â he was doing his job.
he arrives at your side within a millisecond, staring down the guy in your face. âstep back a little for me, bro.â he tries to be civil about it all whilst standing his ground, his small unblinking smile a thinly veiled threat. the guy scoffs, clearly off too many of the free champagne flutes being liberally handed out.
âbabe, why is the help talking to me?â he sneers, amused and jjâs eyes flutter, taking a deep breath to not cuss him out.
âthats my bodyguard.â you frown, meekly â but you defend jj anyway. that calms him just a tad.
âthats your bodyguard?â he smirks, finally letting go of your arm to stare at jj. âwhat are you gonna do if i donât step back, huh?â
the blonde bodyguard is done with the games, whipping his pistol out from its holster and holding it directly to his forehead, collecting a sea of gasps and shrieks from decorum-obsessed party goers. âiâll light this god damn room up, thatâs what iâll do dude. you gonna step back? or am i gonna have to blow your brains out infront of a pretty girl.â
âjj!â you clutch your glittery necklace, stepping behind him nonetheless. the rich asshole has no idea what hit him, backing away and scurrying off with piss in his overpriced boxers. jj licks his lips casually as he looks around at the scene he caused, tucking the gun back into its holster as he turns to look down at you.
âwe done here? think itâs time to peel, unless of course youâd rather be escorted out by the actual security guards. they look pretty mad, soâŚâ
you nod, wordless as you process what just happened, letting him guide you away from the party by the small of your back. maybe it was the champagne talking, but seeing jj protect you like that seemed to go straight to your panties, your thunderous heart beat having nothing on the pulse through your clit. you bite your bottom lip, turning to look up at him as he walks you out the building.
âdonât give me that look. was doinâ my job, cupcake. the dude was pushinâ his luck.â
âi canât believe you did that.â you let out in a breath, and itâs only then once you get outside into the cool evening air he slows his pace, turning to look at you. his face falls a little, wondering if you were really mad. he says nothing, awaiting his scolding. âi⌠canât believe you did that.â you repeat, this time falling into a fit of giggles, covering your mouth.
his brow raises, sizing you up.
âuh, how much of that champagne did you drink?â
âyou were really gonna shoot that guy just for standing too close to me?â youâre elated, approaching him with a doe eyed grin looking nothing short of a disney princess. he shrugs, not understanding the hype.
âi mean the guy was practically begging for it.â
âthats so hot.â
âwhat now?â
âcool, that was so cool.â you correct quickly, stepping back. âthank you.â you smile and he blinks at you at few times, knowing exactly what he heard.
âyeah, donât sweat it⌠just doinâ my job, sugar.â he starts to walk you to the car â this time with a smirk on his face that you darenât question.
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Yjh things the Webtoon 'forgot' to mention or to point out bc they hate novel yjh
Warning for vague webtoon spoilers ig?? No spoilery names are named and no unreleased scenarios are mentioned/specified btw but I thought I'd add this warning just in case :)
He waited three days on the bridge for kdj to resurface after he dropped him in the Ichytosaurs mouth. Just. Waited there.
He smiles when Kdj tries his food and says it's good (it's more like a tiny smug smile tbh)
He is a WORRIER. Man worries about everything, but sucks at expressing it through actions bc that's when he's most easily misunderstood. It is EXTREMELY easy to misunderstand his actions unless the other characters ask him what he's doing and why [after he explains, he turns out to be actually really thoughtful tbh]
When he tells 41st round shin yoosung to "quit her blabbering"...he wasn't that harsh in the novel. The line was changed (still don't know why) but originally he said something about not having enough time, and wasn't a complete asshole.
Also during that same arc/scene it was revealed that he woke her up because he genuinely didn't think she'd attack him/be mad at him iirc, so it wasn't him being stupid, just somewhat naive
When Iris called KDJ ugly he actually stepped forward and intimidated her by glaring so she'd stop talking :) because he sensed fighting spirit in her and he decided to react lmao
His eyebrow moves similarly to a caterpillar when he's about to make an important decision (note: kdj points this out in the novel because he's always staring at yjh I swear to god there's proof)
Yjh puts on a 'cool' face when he's been caught or called out after trying to be sneaky (he's SO BAD at being sneaky istg I love this man so much)
He sometimes uses his skills for stupid and petty shit *said lovingly with heart eyes*
He's more likely to give someone/an NPC a quick death than to make them suffer until they die
He always goes along with KDJ's plans, even though Kdj barely tells him ANYTHING about them ever đ He glares but still goes along with them I NEED Y'ALL TO UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS- /lh
He drags his sword on the ground when he's happy/satisfied with something, or generally in a good mood. Also Loves to clean his sword (I think the webtoon added a scene of him cleaning the sword like. once)
He loves his sister more than anything (we haven't seen a lot of scenes with yoo mia AND yjh in the webtoon yet but I have high expectations for those knowing how much he adores her in the novel)
Mans RUNS to help every time kdj is in danger, unless he genuinely thinks kdj 1) can handle the situation himself or 2) deserves the punishment
He has MONOLOGUES in his head even though he only ever says like two sentences thakrhsjfjb, and is very eloquent when given the chance to explain his thought process/reasoning
[which kdj rarely lets him do. bc he's hellbent on doing the talking and most other characters don't expect yjh to talk anyway]
The hand holding scene that was turned into a weird wrist holding scene? Yes originally they held hands (he wasn't as angry then either)
He's a serial texter and will spam message people
He loves dumplings
He gets jealous when other people monopolize Dokja's attention for too long (also canon, ex: Sangah, [redacted 1], sometimes han sooyoung, [redacted 2], [redacted 3] đ and WILL glare at Kdj or demand answers depending on how severe the transgression is)
He's tired. So, so tired.
HE CAN LAUGH
he doesn't let Han Sooyoung live out of pride/not wanting to lose to kdj (???? what even was that). he lets her live because he doesn't want kdj to think poorly of him / alternatively he doesn't want to lose him as an ally. Not everything is about pride with him đŤ
he looks embarrassed after hearing yoo mia tell him he looks "happy when you talk about [kdj]". the narration also gives her statement some credibility, because "she knows him well since she's his sister". but of course they made him look angry instead of embarrassed đ bc god forbid he shows any other facial expression ever
He's nosy (again: said lovingly with heart eyes). You'll notice how even when he pretends not to care, he'll still stick around to see how things develop/gather info on 'important' stuff. If he's not interested, he'll just leave, bc he's the kind of guy to just do that. So if he doesn't leave, even if he's pretending not to care... you see where I'm going with this
He has a sense of humor, believe it or not (though most of the time he's hilarious without meaning to)
When [redacted] asked yoo joonghyuk what his deal was with kdj and why he wanted him in his group he said "kdj is necessary for this world. I need him." but webtoon decided to skip that line đŤ
Yjh says "I guess your mother doesn't like me" instead of this "like mother like son" bullshit, because the second one implies dokja doesn't like him. which couldn't be farther from the truth
Yoo Joonghyuk actually looks distraught when he realizes he's the one that has to kill kdj. To the point kdj has to tell him to not make that face.
He holds him tenderly as kdj falls, and tries to hang onto him as he's dragged away.
I'd add more but the rest is spoilers fhajhrjeka so yeah I'll just wait to see what webtoon does first and I'll update this as they go
#writing about orv is hard because after reading so many fanfics I no longer can tell what's canon and whats not đ#i think I finally got all the canon differences with the webtoon though#but y'all feel free to correct me if something's wrong#orv#omniscient reader#omniscient reader's viewpoint#when did this turn into an âall the things I love about yjhâ post đ#I was NOT gonna wait until the dark castle arc to talk about how yjh actually has feelings alright đ I'm sorry I'm not that strong
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IM BACK CUZ IM MENTALLY UNWELL OK. and yes youâre the best sub Leon writer đ𼹠and yes I liked it, SITTING ON HIS FACE? đđĽą
Iâm so sorry for blasting ur req box but YOURE AN ACTUALLY GOOD SUB LEON WRITER SO can you blame me? concept: idk why but re4 Leon is so free use coded and so imagine he is on a mission with a new assigned partner but sheâs an asshole to him (âfuck off man, I can do it myself, âI donât need your helpâ, âyouâre too nice and gonna be taken advantage of đâ, etc. You get the gist) and his goofy ass just tryna be nice and helpful, cuz this is leon we are talking about. But the fun part âď¸ they have cameras installed in the hideout they are saying at for security purposes. But ofc, Leon always tries to check on reader to make sure sheâs ok - even if sheâs an asshole to him. AND YK WHAT READER DOES đ sheâs way too horny and just goes at it, girl got a masturbation problem on god. Every night. One night - wrong time and place - Leon opens his laptop to see the cameras making sure sheâs ok AND HELP HE SEES HER ⌠yk. And he feels guilty like he shouldnât watch but he does anyways. And this goes on for weeks. Until one night heâs sick and tired of her always being so mean and he accidentally lets it slip that heâs been watching her LOL AND SHES LIKE UHM BOY WHAT đâď¸ and he tries to play it off like âI didnt mean toâ but like, my brother in Christ⌠youâve been watching every night for weeks 𤨠wdym you didnât mean to? ANYWAYS LONG STORY SHORT SHE PUNISHES HIM AND HEAVYYYY ON THE FREE USE THING. Love you bae đ
i made a couple minor changes just for convenience :) fem reader she/her pronouns!
also i didnât write the smex scene IM SORRY but i have been working on this all day and i need to get to other asks but i promise iâll write some more free use in the future because itâs so smexy
-
"look, i know you don't like me-"
"oh? really? tell me what you think you know, kennedy," you scowl at him, and though it spooks him just a little, he tries to seem unphased.
he frowns, not hurt by your words but definitely concerned that you'll make a bad partner, "you don't need to be this hostile. we're allies. we're supposed to have each other's backs."
"right..." your voice echos, and leon knows that if it came down to it, you wouldn't protect him, wouldn't save him, would barely help him. he's practically on his own for this mission, just has an extra body with him to shoot at the bad guys.
it hurts, to some degree, because even without knowing you well, and even with you being cold and rude to him, he knows he'd come to your rescue in a heartbeat. something about him feels fond of you, even though in your entire time knowing leon kennedy, you haven't said one nice thing to him.
he thinks that maybe he likes that you've never been nice to him. he doesn't really know what to do with that thought.
-
leon is proved wrong.
despite the harshness of your words, you come to his rescue, fighting off the villager who almost decapitated him with an axe like both of your lives depend on it (because they do).
he watches you fight nervously, but when you come out on top, aside from the gash wound you take to the hip, he feels his heart skip a beat.
"this is what happens when you hurt my partner," you groan, holding your side, trying to speak through the pain even though leon can see the blood seeping between your fingers.
you whisper something in your victim's ear, something leon can't quite make out, before you kill him. leon wonders what it was briefly. he decides it doesnât matter.
you both breathe a sigh of relief, but it's short lived as you collapse to the ground. you saved him. you got hurt saving him.
"here, let me help you," he mutters, coming over to you, not even stopping to ask if you want his help because he knows you'll say no, "stop fighting me. you're hurt and i need to patch you up."
the pain is agonizing, but even through gritted teeth and tense breaths, you push through it. he has to commend you a little bit, you're tougher than you look.
but when you try to push his hand away, claiming "i'm fine, kennedy," he sees the struggle in your face, hears the hurt in your voice. his heart seems to stop. he's worried, "i can do it myself, you don't have to- fuck, dude, i don't need your help-."
"-just relax, okay? i got you..â
you don't have the strength to push him away, but you know you shouldn't anyway, so you just slouch back against the wall and try to breathe, "fine, just fuckin... hurry up."
"i'm just trying to take care of you. we're partners, right? i gotta look out for you," he smiles, trying to lighten the mood even slightly. he wishes that this would be the time the barriers come down, that those skyscraper walls that prevented him from coming any closer to you emotionally could come crashing down, if only for a moment.
"you don't have to do anything. you're choosing to put yourself in danger to help me," you groan as you lean back, looking up at the ceiling, "suprised that no one's tried to take advantage of your willingness to help before."
"someone did," he mutters annoyedly, focusing more on the wound then it being your wound, on your body. his eyebrows, almost naturally furrowed from years of stress, somehow make his face even more sad to gaze upon. it's not that he's unattractive, far from it, but he's... worn. tired. a piece of your heart, no matter how far you keep away from him, aches in sympathy.
-
leon carries you back to the safe room, a hideout you both are using to rest and recover in while you plot your next move. he lays his jacket on the ground to at least give you something comfortable to lie on. you don't look comfortable, but he can't do anything else to help you.
he looks through his things, trying to concoct something that will at least make you feel a little bit better. he finds a first aid spray, and his heart jumps out of his chest in excitement. he uses it to take care of your wound, and waits for you to wake up from your unconscious state.
he decides to go back out, hoping to maybe find some other things to help you both on your mission. he knows you'll berate him for leaving on his own, risking his own life needlessly. but god if he didn't imagine what it would be like if he found something you could really use, and watch your eyes light up. even if you didn't like him, you'd be happy. he wants to see you smile, to praise him for a job well done.
he cringes at how pathetic it sounds, but he sets off either way, leaving you wrapped in his jacket with a note from him saying what he's doing.
-
he doesn't do it intentionally. at least... not the first time. genuinely, he just wanted to check up on you, make sure you were alive and breathing and safe. and you definitely were.
he doesn't know why its so hypnotizing, why he can't put his goddamn phone away with the stupid security app on it. of course it's you, though. you're hypnotizing.
he watches every pixel, every distorted view of you touching yourself in the safe room, obviously unaware that he could... see this. he's glad there's no audio, or else he'd be unable to control himself, even in an abandoned building surrounded by zombies. maybe its the years that haven hardened him, burned the fear out of his soul and numbed him to the presence of those things, but he doesn't feel anything but uncontrollable desire right now.
have you been doing it the whole time? you both had spilt off from each other multiple times, and he would almost be upset at the idea that every time he was fighting for his life and barely, barely winning that fight each time, you were getting off a couple hundred feet from him in another room... if it wasn't so fucking hot to watch you masturbate.
he keeps watching until he notices that you're having an orgasm, body twitching and your chest heaving up and down as you take deep breathes. it's so fucking sexy, leon probably could have cum on the spot if he watched anymore.
-
you keep doing it. he keeps watching it. over the course of the mission (of course he had to be stuck on a long, secluded recon mission with you of all people) he's watched you too many times. he doesn't think he has enough fingers to count how many times, which either means he's been on this mission longer than he thought or you have a fucking addiction. he's almost kind of impressed at how efficient you are. takes you 10 minutes tops, and then you just get back up and keep on trucking? his sentimental, post-nut ass could never.
and, though you recovered from your wound, you haven't displayed any sense of gratitude for leon taking care of you when you passed out after getting hurt. not that he expects it, truthfully. you saved his life, he saved yours. you were even.
he just doesn't feel like he's broken any new ground. he feels like, if anything, you feel even further away, emotionally. he's about had it.
"hey, we need to talk," he says, ominously; he doesn't intend it to be so, "i understand you don't like me. it's fine. i don't even care anymore. but i am tired of you talking to me like i'm a pushover."
you look over at him, reloading your gun with a displeased look on your face. leon hates the inner urge he has to cave and apologize to you, as if his body would rather give up any sense of dignity he still has in favor of being slightly more tolerable to you.
"well? are you going to say something?"
you scoff, looking away, "didn't know you were so fucking sensitive, kennedy," and you turn around, ready to walk out, before he snaps, "this isn't a pleasure trip. sorry you're not having a good time."
"clearly you're having a good time with all the pleasure you're giving yourself while i'm trying not to die."
he stops. panicking. trying to think of how to spin the words he just said and make it not sound like he knew every tell you had when you were about to cum or exactly how you touch yourself in order to get yourself off quickly.
you stop as well. and you look back at him with this expression on your face that is completely unreadable.
maybe it wasn't the best move to reveal the only card he had left to play if it mean he would get this reaction out of you considering that, again, you so clearly do not like him.
... right?
"what... did you say, kennedy?" you ask, pure venom in your voice. it's not a question, you so clearly heard him correctly.
"i- i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that-"
"have you been watching me?" you take a step closer, eyes boring into his soul so intensely he can't make eye contact. he has no way out of this situation. he feels out of breath, nervous, god why are you getting so close to him? "answer me, leon," not kennedy, leon, "have you been watching me masturbate?"
he looks up, trying to keep himself from making eye contact. he knows the second he looks into your eyes, he will be putty in your hands, free for you to mold into whatever you'd like. he knows you're not looking at him with distain like usual, it's something else.
something hungry.
"yeah," he breathes, barely getting the world out at all. you take a deep breath, as if you're debating what you're going to do.
"what you did was wrong, you see that, right?"
"yes, i know, but-"
you scoff, annoyed. god why in this moment, just inches away from you, you notice the moles on his neck, the angle of his jaw, the entrancing aura of his eyes. it's so damn distracting, and you have to pull yourself together, "but nothing. you watched me without my consent, you got off on it, didn't you?"
"god, you're making it sound so bad, i... i'm sorry, okay? how can i make it up to you?" he asks, trying so damn hard as always to please.
this is where you come to realize that maybe you didn't hate leon kennedy all this time. maybe you found yourself too comfortable, too at ease in his presence. maybe he was safe and sweet and gentle and it didn't sit right because nothing in a world with zombies and bioweapons and cults and parasites was gentle. but leon is.
you look down, considering your options, "i have an idea. you're free to refuse and we go back to before, and you get nothing from me. do you want to hear it?"
"sure?"
you take a breath, going for it, "iâll be⌠blunt. if you couldnât tell, iâm a bit.. insatiable. i need something to get myself off now that iâm getting bored of my own hands out here. you help me, and iâll forgive you for watching me.â
his thoughts stop. he genuinely canât put together a coherent thought, what did you mean? "are you.. are you fucking serious? you barely speak to me, every time you do speak to me you act like i'm the scum of the earth, you act like i'm not here when i saved your ass and carried you and patched you up, i-â
you cut him off with a kiss. itâs not gentle, itâs rough and messy and your fingers dig into the skin of his cheeks, leaving him red and breathless. he finally gets it. you donât want him to help you, you want to use him.
he lets you push him down, pin his body to the wall as you kiss him breathless. he lets you dig your nails into his neck even if it hurts. he lets you touch and kiss him as rough or as gentle as you like. and you donât like being gentle, clearly.
âuse me,â he whispers between kisses, and when you pull away, eyeing him intently, as if urging him to explain himself, he does, âdo whatever you want. just keep going until youâre satisfied. donât⌠donât hold back. whatever pleases you⌠i want that. i want to please you.â
âawh, you just want me to be happy with you, donât you?â you coo at him, endeared by his selflessness. truly a good man in a bad world, âthatâs all youâve ever wanted, hm? for me to like you?â
his resolve cracks just a little bit more, âuhm, yeahâŚâ he his voice is shaky, unsteady, and he just needs to give in.
âthen youâre going to let me do this every single time in horny and need something to get myself off. iâm going to do whatever i want to you, and iâm not going to ask. youâre just going to let me. if you donât, then we go right back to being enemies, and you really donât want that, right?â
he stutters aimlessly, his knees going weak. heâd truly be done for if you werenât hold him up with a strength he did not know you had.
and you just keep going, âiâm not going to ask or care if itâs a bad time. i want it to be inconvenient, uncomfortable, ill-timed. i want it to be permanently in your head that i can have you whenever i want you. that i can do whatever i want to you.â
âonly i get to have you, got it?â
âg-got it,â he mutters weakly, feeling your hands on him, touching him in places he hasnât been touched in a while. he didnât realize how desperate he was.
âonly i get to touch you, only i⌠get to fuck you.â
he nods helplessly.
âitâs too bad i didnât bring a dildo in my bag when we set off for this mission, because i would so fuck you with it until youâre seeing stars and apologizing for going behind my back⌠but i suppose iâll just have to satisfy myself with your cockâŚâ
#sub leon kennedy#leon kennedy#leon kennedy x reader#leon kennedy x you#leon s. kennedy#leon kennedy smut#sub leon kennedy smut#resident evil#leon kennedy resident evil#resident evil smut#reader insert#smut#sub!leon#re2r leon#re2 smut#re2#re2r#re4#re4 leon#re4 remake#re4 smut#resident evil 4
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I love Eddie being the one who's clueless about his sexuality and Steve being the one who's confident. Like Eddie knows that he likes cheerleaders, but he's absolutely adamant that he must really hate jocks with the way he stares at them. Like when he was forced to dress for gym, and he just sat in the bleachers staring at Steve Harrington in his little shorts.
"He looks so fucking stupid," Eddie thought as he stared at Steve's thighs. "So, stupid. Ugh, I hate this guy, and I don't even know why. It's not like he's ever done anything to me. In fact, he's a decent guy for a jock with his stupid muscles and his stupid hair. Ugh. His hair. Wonder what it would be like to touch it."
Meanwhile, on the court. . .
"Munson's staring at you again, Harrington," Tommy whispered. "Oh. I know that look. Do you think he's figured you out?"
"Stop it," Steve glared at him.
"Do you think he knows about you? About what we used to do in the dark? At parties, when everyone was too drunk to notice?" Tommy asked.
"Tommy," Steve warned.
Someone else came close to them, and Tommy shut up. They may hate each other now, but Tommy wasn't that much of an asshole that he would reveal their secrets.
"Just because we hate each other doesn't mean that we can't still have fun," Tommy whispered. "Meet me in the showers when everyone is done."
Meanwhile, back at the bleachers. . .
Eddie frowned at the sight of Steve talking to Tommy. It didn't look to be a happy conversation. Eddie proceeded to stare at Steve the rest of the period, trying to figure him out. Once everyone had gone into the locker room and left, Eddie went in to get changed. He had just finished putting on his clothes when he heard a loud moaning sound. Eddie frowned. Was someone hurt? Eddie moved around the lockers and came to the last set. He peered around them and saw Tommy pressing Steve against the wall. His lips were attached to Steveâs neck, and his hand was between his legs. It was actually in Steve's shorts. Steveâs eyes were closed, and his mouth was open. Eddie's eyes widened, and he quickly scurried out of the locker room.
"Woah! I don't think I was supposed to see that," Eddie muttered.
He tried not to think about it. He really did, but Steveâs face popped into his mind, and the image of what Tommy was doing to him. Ugh, he hated what Tommy was doing to him. Wait, was he homophobic? No, he knew Jeff was gay and he was more than alright with him. He hated that it was Tommy. Maybe Eddie wished it was him instead. No, that's crazy. Eddie's always liked girls, didn't he? Suddenly, the image of Eddie pressing Steve up against that popped into his head. Oh God. Arousal started to pool deep in his stomach, and he felt himself getting hot.
"Not here, not here!" Eddie muttered as he ran off towards the bathroom.
After a while, he came out of the bathroom, scowling. Okay, yeah, he definitely wasn't straight.
"I need to talk to Jeff!" Eddie exclaimed and scurried off.
So, he finally figured it out. Fast forward to '86, and he's slamming Steve Harrington against the wall of the boathouse. He's holding Steve against the wall with a beer bottle pressed up against his throat, and people are screaming at him to let him go. Eddie remembers, and he starts laughing causing the beer bottle to make a small cut on Steveâs neck. He immediately dropped the bottle, frowning.
"Sorry, man," Eddie said softly.
He places his hand on Steveâs neck, still holding him in place, and presses his thumb against the wound. He pulled it off and looked at the blood on his thumb. He should have wiped off on his vest, but instead, he put his thumb in his mouth and sucked it off. Eddie smirked, noting the way Steveâs eyes darkened.
"Ew! Gross! Eddie, that's Steveâs blood! Are you a vampire?" Dustin asked and paused. "Wait, you aren't, are you?"
And later, when they're in the Upside Down and Steve is walking away from them, Eddie had to take his chance.
"Steve?" Eddie called out.
Steve turned around and looked at him with eyes so wide, so full of hope it nearly scared Eddie off. He moved forward, grabbed Steve, and pulled him into an urgent kiss. He didn't care that other people were watching. He smiled against his lips when Steve started to kiss him back. Eddie pulled back.
"Thanks," Eddie whispered.
"For the kiss?" Steve asked. "Shouldn't I be thanking you?"
"Well, for that too," Eddie said softly. "Thank you for waking me up."
"What does that mean?" He asked.
"I'll tell you all about it when you get back," Eddie said.
"Okay," Steve said softly.
"And Steve?"
"Yeah?"
"Make him pay," Eddie said.
The next time that they saw each other, Eddie was waking up in a hospital, and Steve was looking at him while he was trying not to cry.
"I told you not to be cute," Steve sniffled.
"Sorry, couldn't help it," Eddie grinned.
Steve rolled his eyes before bending down to kiss him. Eddie could taste Steveâs salty tears. He was crying. . .over Eddie. Steve broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against his.
"Never scare us like that again," Steve whispered.
"Okay," Eddie croaked.
Steve sat back down and smirked at him as he took Eddie's hand in his.
"You promised to tell me something," Steve said. "It's later."
"What? Oh, right," Eddie blushed.
He proceeded to tell Steve all about his little moment in the gym, how he thought he hated Steve until he walked in on him and Tommy in the locker room. Turns out, it wasn't hate. When he was finished, Steve burst into laughter.
"I shouldn't laugh, I'm sorry," Steve said.
"Don't be, it's fucking hilarious. I was embarrassed then, but I can definitely laugh about it now," Eddie said. "Go ahead and laugh, big boy."
As Eddie watched him laugh, he couldn't be wonder. . .how in the ever loving fuck could he have ever possibly thought that he hated this man?
#stranger things#stranger things s4#eddie munson#joseph quinn#eddie stranger things#steve harrington#eddie munson lives#steddie#steve x eddie#steve harrington x eddie munson#stranger things s2#past stommy#bisexual steve harrington#bisexual eddie munson#bi4bi#steve is eddie's bisexual awakening#stranger things fanfiction#rueleigh writes#rueleigh's rambles turned into fanfiction
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God I neeeed this written. It's been in my head after I re-watched season 2 đĽšđđź Angsty and ends maybe smutty? Idk
Imagine:
Billy is a bully because of his dad. The abused becomes the abuser, right?
He hates how he lashes out but he can't handle everyone else's perfect little lives.
He meets you and everything changes. You're not stuck up. You get it, you get him.
One night the beautiful family facade fails. You witness it, you see his dad throw a punch in Billy's direction.
You don't think, you just lash out. Teach HIM a lesson. If Neil gives it, he can take it, right?
When you aren't fed love with silver spoons, you learn to lick it off knives.
I have been sitting on this too long, I apologize. I hope this is kinda what you were looking for!
warnings: Neil, obviously, violence, loss of virginity, p in v, unprotected (billys the pull out king)
Heâs rough around the edges, but heâs dastardly handsome. You see him getting in peoples faces in hallways, chest puffed up and a look in his eyes like he can't believe he has to share air with such scum. He talks back in class, rolls his eyes when they send him to the principals office and you witness the cycle repeat day after day. When you notice a busted lip and bruised eye, you chalk it up to another fight at first.
Youâre quiet, keeping to yourself everyday. At lunch, you shove headphones over your ears and turn the Walkman up so loud, you canât hear your own thoughts. Walking through the hall, your tape skips and you pull it up to inspect if it split. Not watching where youâre going, you walk right into Billy Hargroveâs chest and stumble back onto your ass, the hard linoleum stinging as it makes contact. At first he looks furious, boring down at you with fire in his eyes and you stutter out an apology, rambling on about how your tape skipped and you werenât looking ahead of you. Surprisingly, he softens, almost immediately and reaches out to grab your hand.
You take it graciously, allowing his strength to lift you up and he grabs your Walkman, popping it open and inspecting the cassette. As he pulls it out, the tape unravels and you curse.
âHold on,â he soothes, âNot a lost cause yet.â
He walks over to a club table, ignoring the glares he gets from the Chess club. You follow curiously, watching as he swipes a pencil from the sign up sheets and ravels the tape back into the cassette with it. He hands it back with a smile.
âSee? Easy fix.â
He makes you feel all dreamy with his attention focused on you. You might actually float away if you donât rush off immediately. âThanks!â you yell back, hurrying off and sliding the headphones over your ears again.
Slowly, Billy keeps popping up wherever you go. He even shows up at the record store you work at, weekly. Youâre not even sure how it exactly happens, no words are spoken about it but youâre pretty sure youâre Billy Hargroveâs girlfriend. Heâs taking you out on dates that end in heavy petting and eager kisses in the backseat of his Camaro.
Heâs so incredibly sweet to you but not to anyone else he crosses paths with. Youâve even witnessed heated arguments with his friends. You donât understand why until one night youâre hanging out in his bedroom and Neil comes barreling into his room and screaming about how he wasnât supposed to park in the driveway.
It funnels into an argument about everything. Billy doesnât do anything right, apparently. Youâre sitting there, stunned all the while fuming at this asshole. His complaints of his son are laughable at best, none of them really a problem.
Then, it happens and you jump up off the bed. A hard sucker punch to Billyâs cheek, a thundering sound clapping through the room.
Before you realize whatâs happening, youâre throwing punches left and right at Neil. As your lifted off the ground, Billyâs arms wrapped tightly around your waist, you see the absolutely dumbfounded look on his fathers face.
âGet the fuck out of my house,â he says behind clenched teeth, his eyes dark and terrifying.
Billy grabs onto your wrist, pulling you out of the house and to his car. Heâs peeling out of there, the house getting tinier and tinier in the rearview mirror and you look down at your bloodied knuckles. You donât know how it happened, you saw red in the moment. Youâre silent. You feel as if you should apologize but you donât regret what youâve done, even if your punches didnât hurt him like his hurt Billy.
âIâŚâ you open your mouth and close it.
âI know.â
Billy drives out to a field, at least an hour from town. He turns the car off and sits there for a moment, staring out the windshield. Then heâs grabbing his hand and intertwining your fingers.
âThank you,â he mumbles and you know itâs difficult for him to say those words.
And everything makes sense, now. Why heâs so broken, why heâs such a tough guy at school. But what doesnât make sense is why heâs so nice to you. Maybe because youâre the only person who reacted to Neil that way. He brings your hand up to his lips and kisses your bloody knuckles.
âIâm ready,â you tell him, not sure why now is the time you want to lose your virginity.
Billy laughs and you fear itâs out of cruelty. Your panic subsides when you see the sparkles in his eyes. He leans his head back against the seat and peers over to you, âYou try to beat my dad up and now you want to have sex for the first time. What has gotten into you?â
âThat makes it sound weird,â you point out, âI guess I just realized I love you.â
âTook ya long enough,â he snorts and you glare up at him. âCâmere,â he scoots his seat back and pulls you into his lap.
You straddle him, though itâs a tight space. He kisses you tenderly, fingertips barely holding your jaw, âI love you too.â
Your stomach does a flip, deepening the kiss once he mumbled the words against your lips. Billy reaches his hands up into your top, pushing your bra up so he can get a handful of your breast. He licks into your mouth as he squeezes you in his palm, making you squirm in his lap. You can feel as he smiles into the kiss before he pulls back.
âI canât take your virginity in my car,â he admits and you whine, looking down at him with disappointment etching your features. Heâs got you all worked up just to shut it down so quickly and he looks amused as he stares back up at you.
âYeah, you can,â you retort, matter-of-factly.
He laughs, moving your hair behind your shoulders, âI want it to be special. Itâll be a hell of a struggle in this small space.â
âIt is special,â you argue, âI want it.â
Billy bites his lip and looks at you under his thick lashes, âWould it be too seedy to take you to a motel?â
You shake your head, smiling at him hopefully, âIâd do it anywhere with you.â
âGet your ass over,â he smirks, âLetâs go.â
You scramble over the center console, squealing when Billy plants a hefty smack to your ass as you do so. You swear heâs never driven faster.
The motel room is seedy but you donât blame Billy, he pulled into the first one heâd seen and you were more eager than ever. You stand awkwardly beside him as he purchases the room, trying not to look the clerk in the eyes but you can feel the older woman looking you up and down. Billy doesnât seem to notice or care, grabbing your hand and leading you to the room. Once he unlocks the door and gets you inside, heâs pushing you against it and presses sloppy kisses all along your neck and collarbone. You feel electric, your body tingles all over but especially between your legs. Billyâs hands are firm on your hips where heâs pinning you against the door and his lips and teeth brand you with bruises descending from your jaw to your collarbone.
You guys have messed around a lot, almost any chance you got you would touch each other eagerly but it never got very far. Billy knew he was the first guy youâd done anything with so he never pressured you to do anything more than hand stuff. Youâd always been sure you wanted him to be your first, though. It was just a matter of when, neither of you imagined it would be after youâd punched his dad. Perhaps Billy feared this would be his only chance, since there was no way in hell Neil would let you around again. He usually didnât go against Neilâs word too drastically.
âBed?â you pant out, pushing on Billyâs chest slightly. You felt like you were going to melt into a puddle on the floor, light headed from the way he mouthed at your sensitive skin.
âYeah,â Billy nods and lifts you up, hands on your ass. Wrapping your legs around his waist, you let out a little squeal. He squeezes your bum before walking you towards the bed and laying you down before hovering above you.
âYouâre sure?â he asks, grabbing a hold of your hand and his breath smells uniquely him, youâve got no other way to describe it. Itâs pleasant, almost sweet but unlike anything else. You want to taste it so your hand grabs onto the back of his neck to pull his plump lips to your own, slipping your tongue in between them. Billy moans into it, hands snaking up into your blouse and pushing your bra up like before so he can squeeze your tits. His hands are warm and a bit rough, contrasted to the soft, supple skin theyâre flush with. His thumbs and forefingers pinch your nipples hard, pulling on them while he licks sloppily into your mouth. It sends electricity straight to your clit causing your hips to roll up at him uncontrollably. Youâve never felt so starved for something in your whole life, so instinctually needy for him to ravish you.
âBilly,â you plead, squirming under his touch, âNeed you so bad.â
âIâm right here,â he mouths against your jaw still kneading at your breasts.
You lower your hands to the hem of his t-shirt and lift it up and over his head, tossing it aside before grabbing his torso every way you can. He laughs softly, pulling back so he can rip your top and bra off but his hands quickly return to your tits.
âI really, really need you,â you repeat, scratching at his tanned skin.
He stares down at you in awe, never in his life has he seen a woman so desperate under him. They usually played it cool, if theyâd felt this horny for him they would usually try to hide it. You canât though, itâs so evident on your face how turned on you are. Your wide-eyed, pupils dilated and your cheeks are flushed pink. Itâs captivating. He grabs a hold of your cheeks, squeezing them together and slaps your tit with his other hand. You cry out, arching your back to feel some kind of relief.
âYou want my cock so bad,â he pouts down at you, âpoor baby.â
âNeed it,â you whimper, voice distorted by the way heâs gripping your face.
âAw,â he teases, âare you begging for me to fuck you?â
You nod frantically, his words only making you wetter, âPlease!â
He lets go of your face and starts unbuckling his belt, pulling it through the loops before he kicks his boots off. He inches to the edge of the bed, unlacing your shoes as quick as he can. You prop yourself up on your elbows to watch him, the firm grip he has on your ankle makes you whimper. Once heâs got your shoes off, he roughly pulls your jeans off. He positions himself closer and presses his palm hard against your pussy, the barrier of your soaking panties frustrating you.
âFuck me, Billy,â you mewl, âPretty please.â
His eyes go dark, mouth opening slightly as he exhales hard. You switched something in him, heâs pushing his jeans and briefs off quickly, freeing his hard cock. The sight of it makes you drool, the tip angry red and leaking which lets you know heâs in the same boat you are. He tugs your underwear down your legs, spreading your legs and scooting himself up between them.
âYou wanna feel my cock, baby?â he pants, fingers circling around his length.
You nod eagerly, âPlease, Billy.â
He strokes himself, biting his lower lip as he brings his free hand down to feel through your glistening folds. Billyâs touched you there hundreds of times, seen your pussy plenty but never with the promise of being able to stick his dick inside. He presses his tip your entrance and then slides it up through your folds, rubbing your clit with it.
âOh God,â you moan out, toes curling as you anticipate whatâs next.
âFuck,â he grunts out, âIâm not gonna last long. Youâre too fucking perfect.â
The compliments sends you spinning.
âJust want to feel you,â you whisper, âhave been since I first saw you.â
Billy leans down to kiss you, hard. He brings his tip back down to your hole, pushes inside slowly. You feel no pain like youâve been told. Itâs electric, actually, makes you feel all kinds of warm and wonderful. Until he pushes in deeper, then you tense, hands grabbing into his waist. Billy kisses your jaw tenderly, tells you to breathe with him. His voice soothes you. Itâs the most decadent sound youâve ever heard.
âKeep going,â you choke out through clenched teeth, âI can handle it.â
You know the more he moves, the easier it will be. Youâve been told. But Billy moves slowly, holds you like heâs scared to break you. Youâd happily let him. He sinks in deeper and itâs like heâs pushed passed a barrier, the pain subsiding completely and instead youâre flooded with a rush of pleasure.
âOh, god,â you pant out, face etched in shock.
âToo much?â he asks, panicked as he looks down at you.
You shake your head from side to side, âFeels so⌠nice. And warm.â
He chuckles at that bending lower to pepper your face in kisses and he starts to pick up a steady rhythm with his hips. Your legs shake slightly as you try to spread them wider, wrapping your arms around his middle. Itâs tender in a way youâve never seen Billy, heâs delicate and reserved. Then he exhales sharply, his cheeks turning red.
âIâm gonna fucking cum, already,â he mumbles, pressing his forehead against your shoulder.
âIs that bad?â you wonder aloud, wiggling your hips slightly and heâs pulling out of you and spilling onto your stomach with a hiss.
He collapses onto the bed next to you and covers his face with his hands. You look down at the mess heâs made on you, feeling as it starts to cool. Youâre tempted to touch it, smooth it over your skin but you fear that would be weird. After heaving a sigh, he sits up and looks down at you.
âNot bad, you were so tight it just felt too good. Give me a break and we can try again,â he whispers, standing from the bed and disappearing into the bathroom. He returns with a towel and cleans you up, pulling you into his lap when heâs done. Youâre already eager at the promise of doing it again so soon.
#billy hargrove fic#billy hargrove imagine#billy hargrove x you#billy hargrove x female reader#billy hargrove x reader#billy hargrove angst#billy hargrove smut
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It Was Just One Night: Date Night Convos
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A/N: I thought it would be fun to give yâall some conversations from Eddie and Readerâs date nightâ¨
âIsâŚis that what youâre wearing?â âYou told me it was a surprise and I like to be comfortable especially for surprises so yesâŚyou can take it or leave it daddy-o.â âItâs just..the slippers with the sweatpants are soâŚ-â âDistractingly sexy? Deliriously cute?â âDistractingâŚis a great word for it but itâs fine because we are just going to go see a movie.â âOur first date and youâre not only taking me to the place I work butâŚyouâre taking me somewhere we canât talk for two hours?â âCorrection sweetheart Iâd never take you to your own movie theaterâŚ.and I know you like the snacks.â âWell thenâŚletâs get goingâŚwhat movie are we seeing? I hope itâs scary.â âItâs a limited time showing of the original HalloweenâŚâ âbut you hate Michael?â âYeah but you love himâŚâ
âAre we having dinner after this?â âWhy?â âItâs going to determine what I orderâŚâ âoh well yeah..yeah we are gonna go to dinner after this.â âOkay so Iâll just get a large popcornâŚcan I get a sprite or are you going to make me drink water?â âYou can get a spriteâŚâ âokay then a large popcorn and a sprite and some nachos.â âYouâre going to get all that after I said we are going to dinner?â âYes? I was going to add a pretzel and a hot dog but I didnâtâŚstop looking at me like that you asshole Iâm almost eight months pregnant and Iâm hungry all the damn time.â âSorryâŚorder whatever you want.â âThank youâŚâ
âFeel free to hold my hand if you get scared.â âYouâre so annoyingâŚjust because I donât like Michael doesnât mean he scares me.â âIâm just sayingâŚIâm here if you need someone to cuddle with.â âDo you want me toâŚhold your hand?â âItâs a date isnât it? Donât most couples hold hands and shit?â âYeahâŚyeah they doâŚis this..okay?â âThatâs not comfortableâŚthatâs my grabbing popcorn handâŚhow about this?â âJesus! You have to warn meâŚbefore you just put your hand onâŚmy thigh.â âSorry!â âBut itâsâŚitâs fine yeahâŚthat uh works for me.â âLook at us doing couple type stuff togetherâŚâ âI think we actuallyâŚmake a cute couple.â âOh the cutest couple in this theater for sure.â âItâs still weird when we agree on things.â âOnly because you make it weird EddieâŚâ
âI just think cheese fries are actually hard to perfectâŚeveryone tries but few are successful..â âbut BennyâŚheâs managed to perfect it somehow?â âYesâŚjust try one.â âIf this doesnât change my life then Iâm going to be upset.â âOh trust me baby daddy itâll change your life.â âOh..wowâŚyeah okayâŚI get the hype.â âDonât get greedy..these are mine.â âI know you well enough to know youâd never share food with meâŚ.Iâll order my own.â âIâll share food with you Eddie just not cheese fries.â âReally?â âYesâŚjust not cheese friesâŚor candyâŚor my secret stash of chocolate.â âWhat about a bite of your grilled cheese?â âI know what a bite means to youâŚso here just take halfâŚI told you that the burger wasnât what you wanted today.â âNext time Iâll just let you order for me.â âNext time? Is that your sneaky way of asking me on another date?â âI think this one is going good enough to maybe do it again?â âYeahâŚIâd say soâŚâ âso youâll go on another date with me then?â âYes Iâll go on another date with you.â
âSoâŚmind if I come in and tell Dotty goodnight?â âTrying to invite yourself in on the first date? God Edward what kinda girl do you take me for?â âDonât be annoying.â âYes you can come-â âIâm sorry I just wanted to do that all night and you-â âwho taught you how to kiss like that?âŚwas it Nancy?â âI hate you.â âSorry couldnât help myselfâŚcome on and help me get ready for bed? Iâll let you tell Dotty your side of the date before I tell her mine after you leave.â âI have to leave?â âEdward James Munson you are not sleeping over on the first date good lord.â âI like it when you say my full name like thatâŚ.so what nightgown is it gonna be tonight? Smiley faces or peace signs?â âSmiley faces please.â âGood choiceâŚIâll go make you some water while you go get changed.â âOkayâŚhey Eddie?â âYeah?â âI had a really good time tonight.â âMe too sweetheartâŚme too.â
#it was just one night#eddie munson series#eddie munson au#Eddie Munson social media au#eddie munson enemies to lovers#eddie munson slow burn#eddie munson fanfiction#eddie munson x pregnant!reader#dad!eddie x mom!reader#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x y/n#eddie munson x fem!reader#eddie munson fluff#one night stand convos#Eddie Munson x you fluff#Eddie Munson x fem!reader fluff#Eddie Munson x reader fluff#stranger things social media au#stranger things au#stranger things fanfiction#Eddie Munson#my little dungeon master baby
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Showing my friend IkeVil
So a few warnings before I get into this: Alfons slander, Roger slander, Victor slander, Rude language in general, many random twisted wonderland references, and some risque images of a couple characters.
Sorry some of the coloration is fucked, I tried to fix it and can't.
Me = Orange Him = green
Alr hereâs the first guy
He looks like he'd call me slurs while also being the gayest mf ever
sksksks Anything else?
Bro must struggle playing piano with them long ass purr nails I respect the dedication HE GOT THE COLOR PALETTE OF THAT ONE ROBOT THAT EVERYONE ON TWITTER IS MAKING CORN OF BOOTHILL??
Okay I will tell you about him now, and I want you to react again once i do His name is William Rex, he is one of my favorite two, he has the power to command someone to do what he wishes against their will, and he likes to help people become their own master.
Alright azul 2.0 I see what youâre doing Does he have a cringe gamer bf to top it off
Heâs not the one I would compare to Azul
OOO I wanna guess which one it is
His curse is called the Curse of the Self-Righteous Monarch, so he's evil Riddle Williamâs* Is
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Alright so stick in the ass guy, I get it replying to 'Williamâs*', William Afton Ar ar ar ar
Next guy
Thatâs a whole ass final boss of twinks
Pfffff okay before I tell you more, do you or do you not think this is the guy who I would compare to azul
err no
youâre right
doesnât give azul vibes from that stare He gives tiktok fuck boy
This is Liam Evans, he has the power to turn invisible from the curse of the Curious Cat (che'nya core), he is depressed and is so curious that he keeps trying to do things that would kill him
nvm i take back heâs cooler than any tiktok fuckboys
adfjhsflasjfhkdhkjlasfd HOW IS HE COOLER
Depressed Rizz or smth
Fair Next guy
sighs Sighs Sighs
what
Smash, sadly
ajdsalfjhkjasfd
ITâS THE LEANING ALRIGHT
thatâs fine heâs the most normal boyfriend-wise of them all
BAHAHAHAH
if you ignore the pathological lying
All fictional husbands have to be a little insane its fine
His name is Harrison Gray, he has the power to tell when people are lying from the curse of the lying fox. He likes to read mystery novels.
I like him I want him
Lemme send you a NSFW pic if i can find one
WOOOOO
MC is a girl btw (L moment)
L MOMENT BUT HEâS FINE SO ITS ALR
next guy
Damn you thought you could slide in a french guy and have me not notice/j
HEâS ACTUALLY NOT FRENCH
AHAHAHAHAH
HEâS A BRITISH NOBLE
God bless
This is Lord Elbert Greetia, he is an Earl. He has the power to make someone see their saddest moment when he steps on their shadow (he has trauma from this). His curse is the curse of the Greedy Queen (Vil core). And he has an obsession with hoarding beautiful things (he is the yandere of the cast)
Dragon Core with the last one
dragon core omg youâre right I almost forgot this assholeâs name ;~;
HE LOOKS LIKE AN ASSHOLE
HE'S SUS (i still love him, but he aint a fave)
AHAHAHA
His name is Alfons Sylvatica, he can change people's perception by touching the nap of their neck and whispering in their ear. His curse is the magic mirror. He has probably fucked half the cast of this game.
Me personally? I think heâs cringe
OKAY BUT-
LOOKIT HIM
⌠Tempting
yes Exactly Next guy
NVM THAT ONES UGLY IM SORRY HEâS SCARY
adljhkfajkdfasdfafas
HE SCARES ME
I HATE HIM TOO DW
(Note: He grew on me since this convo)
HEâS WORSE THAN THE PREVIOUS I HATE HIM GET HIM AWAY FROM ME WHYS HE SO UGLY HE LOOKS LIKE HEâD HOLD AN ALPHA PODCAST
His name is Roger Barel, he can hear anything within 100m of him (selectively, so he wouldnt hear you fucking harrison). His curse is the traitorous huntsman (rook core but looks like trey). He drinks beer and wont stop flirting with Alfons' MC You see the resemblance right?
I hate that I see it Trey IâM so sorry you have to be compared to an ugly ass bitch
pffff Next guy
btw lemme know when you think someone might be the guy that reminds me of azul
emo Heâs either really nice or manipulative ass
Youâre right heâs def one of those
my bet has to be on the latest
wym
I mean he looks manipulative AGAHAHAH Sorry emo boy if you are notâŚ
His name is Ellis Twilight, he has the power to bind people's hands together by tapping their head via the curse of the briar thorns. He is obsessed with happiness and will do anything to make someone else happy (once they have their happiest moment he will kill them) ([friend] likes him- [friend] is banned from playing the game for 2 more years tho)
Awe he's so sweet!!!! (What the fuck) AHAHAH
THIS GAME IS NSFW AND [friend] IS BB
AHSHS Yeah I couldâve guessed it was
like in alfons' route (unreleased rn) it goes so into detail-
I want him dead Negative rizz
AND ALFONS USES HIS POWER TO MAKE MC THINK THEY'RE LOVERS LIKE- IN CHAPTER 1 OR 2
BROTHER THIS GUY STINKS
Next guy
Is this the azul
There's only one more guy after this so i wanna wait until i send his pick before answering just so you know all the options What do you think of this guy
I like this one I would Bottom text Would He may look a tad bit evil but iâll allow it
replying to âi like this oneâ, I don't (similar to crowley ah-)
OH A LOSER SO I LIKE THIS ONE EVEN MORE
This is Victor. We don't know his surname. We don't know his curse. We don't know his power. BUT HE IS THE DAD OF THE GROUP, dad jokes, cockblocking harrison and MC, magic tricks
(NOTE: I figured out what his power is since then-)
I want him
kskssksksks Thereâs like- no content for victor On tumblr
(NOTE: I found which tag the victor content is on)
I hate it here
Final guy
OH HELLO SAILLOOR
REAL
Is THIS the azul one
YES
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OFC
remember william-? he was one of my favorites? (one moment i need to get some images)
YEA
IâM MARRIED TO WILLIAM AND THIS GUY
HAHAHAHA WIN
HIS NAME IS JUDE JAZZA, he can put someone to sleep by tapping their forehead via the curse of the thirteenth wizard (idk why wizard, it's just malleus core-). HE IS A MOBSTER, A SADIST, AND HE GETS OFF BY BULLYING MC, I LOVE HIM Heâs ellisâ boss btw
more like dude zaza BAHAHAHA
Jude and William are my husbands <3
Got two hands for the two of them
Jude legit would give you a check and tell you to write whatever number you want on it... but then make you work to pay him back for it. So he is sugar daddy, but also kinky William canonically would use his power on MC for sex while he's drunk So you like- Harrison, Victor and Jude?
responding to the william info, DAMN Nods
Iâm gonna be doing harrisonâs main story route after I finish williamâs Iâll send you any nsfw or near nsfw ss i see
IM WINNING
#ikemen villains#ellis twilight#william rex#harrison gray#jude jazza#liam evans#elbert greetia#roger barel#alfons sylvatica#victor ikevil#twisted wonderland#honkai star rail#boothill#azul ashengrotto#trey clover#rook hunt#malleus draconia#riddle rosehearts#dire crowley
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Hello mother of Trevor smut!
Do you write for Michael? And if so... I am in dire need of Micheal fucking reader in front of Trevor (reader is dating Trevor) and reader moans Michaels name so Uncle T gets mad.
Thank you!! -Anon
A good old angsty- drama AND smutty fanfic??? Yes!
Summary: His best-friend made you feel way better... And he hated it.
TW: -Smut -Drug use
Pairings: Fem!reader/ Michael Townley (slight /Trevor Philips as well)
Word count: 2226
Back in the North Yankton days, it wasnât uncommon for the boys to share girls for good sex. Youâve seen it yourself when chilling in their motel rooms. While you and Trevor would share smokes and watch crappy movies through this static TV, Michael (or Brad) would have this prostitute in the background, fucking her pussy stupid. Theyâd take turns as well.
It was hard to get used to considering youâve never seen people so open and shameless about their sex addictions. Even Trevorâs sex-drive was a complete shock to you after every night of sex, heâd wake up horny still. You were constantly bouncing on his dick whenever he wasnât hiding from authorities or doing God knows what with Mikey and Brad.
However, this one night had changed everything.
Trevor had brought you along to this fairly cheap, shitty motel room. It was in the middle of nowhere. Literally.
âBro, Iâm telling you,â Brad was in a middle of an argument with Trevor, âIâm looking at this fucking map and thereâs no booze store or strip-joint nearby.â
You were holding both yours and Trevorâs rucksacks as they continued to bicker heatedly. It was a normal thing.
Michael had sat down beside you with a tired expression. He ogled you for a moment before smiling. Your relationship with Mikey was sweet and close. He always looked out for you in such ways that made you feel⌠Important. Although you loved Trevor, he didnât have that âboyfriend materialâ to him. Unlike Michael. He was pure âhusband materialâ from the way heâd help clean all your clothes, protect you from Trevorâs occasional tantrums, drive you places, steal you period products (etcâŚ)
âYouâre a fuckinâ prick!â You heard your boyfriend cry as heâd storm over and snatch his bag from your arms. He hurried through it, pulling out a stash of cocaine and stomping to the small bathroom.
Sometimes⌠Just sometimes you looked at Michael and wished he was your boyfriend instead.
And sometimes⌠You think he knows that.
âGreat, heâs in a bad mood â â The bathroom door slammed shut, â⌠Again.â Mikey muttered.
âHeâs a fucking asshole!â Brad attempted to correct Michaelâs vocabulary.
âHeâs not that bad.â
âDonât lie to yourself, [y/n]. You deserve better.â
You sighed. Michael was right.
âIâd get myself a proper man, if I were you.â Remarked Brad who kept his concentration on the small map provided by the motel.
 âHe is nicer when we are alone.â You tried to comfort yourself.
âReally?â
âYeah. We cuddle, watch movies together⌠And, uh⌠We do other things as well â â
âHave sex, yeah. We know,â Mikey exhaled, âTrevor tells us everything.â
âHe does?â You felt your heart ache a little bit. Your nights alone together, you thought it was romantic and sentimental. Now youâre realising that he sees as nothing but a stress relief.
âYes. Is date nights really just blowjobs and handjobs?â Heâd ask.
Being honest was painful. When you nodded, it was basically telling Mikey and Brad that Trevor ainât worth shit.
âI donât suppose you know if he actually⌠Loves me, right?â
Michael was hesitant but kept his composure.
âHe does love you. He just struggles with expressing it,â Heâd tried to explain, âHe does think of you a lot, trust me. He knows he ainât the model boyfriend, but he canât help it.â
âRight.â
âHeâs a bit loco, [y/n].â Brad whistled.
âListen, [y/n]⌠I know itâs hard being around him. I mean, Iâve known the dickhead for years and heâs always been pretty manic.â Michael was sitting close to you at this point.
âWell, yeah, heâs literally snorting coke right no â â
âBrad, shut up!â Mikey groaned, his hand hesitantly touching your thigh as he returned his attention to you.
âHeâs emotionally unstable.â Youâd whisper.
âVeryâŚâ
Silence overcame you both. Your eyes drifted to his hand-placements, finding yourself happy when he fondled your legs and sit as close as he could. When making eye-contact, you both smiled warmly.
âI still canât believe that lucky bastard managed to charm you.â Heâd whisper before leaning close, sight fixating on your lips.
You had the temptation for a while, now it was within your reach. The risk⌠He was only in the other room filling himself with every drug imaginable. You hoped if he was to see this, heâd be too high to see or function.
Bradley noticed the increased tension of you both and sucked in his lips. He decided â last minute â to turn his back and âpretendâ he wasnât aware of what was going on (a cowardice action to avoid confrontation since⌠He didnât want to be the target of any fury).
Then he heard shifting on the other bed and cringed. Trevorâs totally going to kill Michael.
You were lying under him as he leaned closer before your lips touched. Your hands touched his shaved head, clasping his jacket, feeling his jaw when you both grew very indulged throughout the kiss.
Michael would continuously peer over his shoulder before you both began stripping clothes. He was anxious as well, you could tell. You didnât want this to disturb his performance so you guided his lips against your neck and begged him to carry on. He was quick to react and made love to every inch of your exposed skin until you were a hopeless mess.Â
âYou donât want him to hearâŚâ Mikey murmured in your ear, his hands removing your shirt and bra.
âGuys, câmon⌠If youâre gonna fuck, I ainât gonna stay around!â You heard Bradley murmur as he stumbled out of the motel room.
âGood riddance.â Michaelâs voice rumbled against your neck, his tongue leaving trails of his saliva, reaching your collarbone and lower.
No matter how good it felt, each moan shook with guilt. He was only in the other room, you boyfriend, well⌠Unconfirmed boyfriend (thanks to his possessiveness), and now you were getting freaky with his best friend.
âOh, fuck â â Youâd struggle when he kissed down your stomach.
Then a deep ruckus occurred in the bathroom, the sound of things being dropped and whatnot. It was followed by a deep, slurred voice (after the digestion of cocaine).
âBaaaabbeeee!â Trevor called from behind the closed door, âWhereâs my fuckinâ⌠Lighter? It ainât in my fuckinâ bag!â
Mikey froze and gazed up at you. He mouthed something but you were too busy panicking.
â[y/n]? Answer me, baby! I want to have my weed!â
âI- I think⌠I think itâs, uhâŚâ
âArgh, I found it! It was in my fuckinâ hand.â Shouted Trevor as Michael breathed out in relief and continued kissing your tummy pouch and hips.
His lips reached your pantie lines and your hand itched, grabbing the back of his head for support. Heâd grunt in response before pulling down your panties and looking up, waiting for your signal.
âWhat if heâŚâ Your words trailed off when you stared into his blue eyes. It instantly melts you.
â[y/n], itâll be okay.â
And with that, you nodded and lifted up your hips for him to confiscate your panties. Michael smiled warmly. He threw it aside and hovered over your naked body. He skipped the usual foreplay you were used to with Trevor. It was weird not having him suck your boobs, leave huge marks on your neck, make out until your lips were swollen.
It was refreshing⌠Yet when he pulled your legs up to line himself with your wet cunt, it was just hard to miss that extra loving.
âAh, yes!â Your thoughts about Trevor were washed away when Michael pushed into your pussy. He caressed your thighs when thrusting in and out, holding your legs over his shoulders.
âThere we goâŚâ His words were comforting and soft, the opposite of him.
âOh, God⌠Itâs so good, Mikey! â â
You both were unaware of the bathroom door opening. Facing the bed, Trevorâs high-state quickly crashed down. He held the blunt in his mouth and stared at Michael, who was making you moan louder than heâs ever heard.
The betrayal, jealousy. He was ENRAGED.
âFuck, fuck!â Your whimpers combined with Mikeyâs grunts sounded like nails on a chalkboard to Trevor.
The shock he felt made it hard to speak. He just stood there, weak. He let the blunt drop from his mouth as he watched his best friend fuck his girl. Trevor ogled the way your body shook when being fucked. He watched you stare up at Michael with nothing but pure lust and admiration. The jealousy quickened after your moans only increased in pitch.
âMikey!â
Deciding to make his awareness known, Trevor stepped closer to the bed and make eye-contact with you. You gasped and held your breasts, as if that helped the situation.
âUh, yeah⌠Oh, fuck â what? Huh?â Michael noticed your shocked expression before he peered over his shoulder and saw the murderous glare from his best buddy, âShit, Trevor, bro! â â
âThe fuckinâ fuck! Are you fuckinâ my girl, Mikey? What⌠[y/n]? What the fuck is this!â Heâd outrageously shout, eyes burning with Hell. Â
âTrevor,â You breathed as Mikey continued to thrust despite being caught, âPlease, Trevo â Ah! Michael! Yes!â Then he found your G-spot, ruining your chance of an explanation by pathetically moaning his best friends name.
âSorry, Trevor.â Heâd pant through the cycle of hitting your G-spot until you were both on the edge of a good orgasm.
Even though he was completely furious and psychotic, whenever Trevor watched you moan, it was arousing. He held his tongue. He developed a boner, raging like his anger. He wanted to yell, he wanted to punch Mikey, but most of all, he wanted in. He tried to ignore this fantasy by screaming insults at you both.
âYOU ARE BOTH JUDAS!â
Yet it toned down after he couldnât contain himself. Michael, using his thumb, rubbed your clit as he thrusted deeper and deeper into your pussy. He worked hard to see you so beautifully shaken.
âMikey! Ah! Yes!â Youâd moan unconsciously.
Trevor leaned against the wall, pulling out his erection and rubbing it raw. His glare remained fixated on you. He jacked off to you being fucked stupid dumb. He pleasured himself dry, wishing he was in Michaelâs place. The jealousy. He was in anguish knowing that you were receiving the best sex of your life.
âI fuckinâ hate you both.â Trevor growled from the wall, his hand beating his cock until it was bruised and swollen.
âIâM GONNA CUM, MIKEY!â
âI fuckinâ⌠hate youâŚâ Your boyfriends voice turned into harsh whispers as he was intensely motivated on jacking off.
â[y/n]⌠[y/n]âŚâ Michael breathed and jerked his hips into your, crying out your name. His penis shivered and soon enough, you gasped as you climaxed, cum caking his dick that was begging for disclosure.
âAH! YES!â
He fucked you through the orgasm before pulling out and touching his tip, encouraging his semen to squirt and paint your tummy. He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled. The climax, for Michael, looked much needed since he stumbled onto his knees and placed a hand on your breast, struggling to breathe.
âMmm.â Trevor huffed when witnessing the hot-mess. He clawed his cock, even though it was burning with brutality. He whispered your name and when he made eye-contact with your guilty face, his mood grew more hostile and his masturbation got increasingly heavy.
Michael quickly stood up and tucked away his length, deciding that he had tortured his buddy enough. He gave you knowing glance, a signal to maybe⌠Get dressed and leave the room to give him some space.
âI thought we were done with sharing her. Sheâs my girl, now.â Trevor grunted at Mikey, his hand suffocating his cock.
âShe needed some real love.â
âFuck you, Mikey. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!â
âSharing is caringâŚâ Was the last thing he could say before a lamp was thrown his way.
You took that sign and dressed yourself, following Michaelâs lead out towards the door before he called your name.
â[y/n]⌠Donât fuckinâ leave. We ainât finished here.â
âTrevor, Iâm sorry, I really am â â
âSave it. Just stay here. I ainât gonna let that cunt touch your pussy again, you hear me?â He hissed.
âI am sorry though.â
âOh, yeah. You looked it.â
âTrevor â â
âI donât do forgiveness. You canât even earn that shit from me. But Iâll get my way.â Words barely made it out clear as he was close to his orgasm as well, masturbating with pure stamina due to the high drugs in his system.
You sighed, shame making you feel sick.
âCâmereâŚâ Heâd order.
You hesitantly walked over before he came all into his hands, moaning your name in the process. He made you watch as his dick squirted semen against his shaky palms.
âYeessâŚâ His groans were low-key, almost sounding angry itself.
Then he wiped all that cum onto your face with a sick grin. He rubbed every inch until you were covered.
âThere we go⌠I feel a tiny bit betterâŚâ
It was so warm and sticky. You held back the urge to shiver considering it was overstimulating. Trevor then caressed your bottom lip before he walked past you, his shoulder brushing against yours. He walked out of the motel room in silence and left you to think about what you have done, and what is about to happen next.
#grand theft auto 5#trevor philips#gta v#grand theft 5#grand theft auto#trevor gta#gta 5#grand theft auto v#trevor philips/reader#trevor philips x reader#michael de santa#michael de santa fanfiction#michael de santa x reader#gta michael#michael townley#michael townley/you#michael townley fanfiction#michael townley headcanons#michael townley/reader#my fanfiction#my fanfic writing#requests#thank you!
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strawberry wine - joel miller x ofc!liv stone/fem!reader
during - part twelve
series masterlist | main masterlist | read on ao3
joel finally gets his head out of his ass, with a little push from tess.
a/n: we have BIG CONVERSATIONS IN THIS HOUSE FAM. i want to reiterate: i love the canon joel x tess. i live for it. but the drama/angst/emotion it has allowed me to create but backpedaling them SLIGHTLY? delish. enjoy babes, please scream at me about the ending đ
word count: 5.5k
warnings: MY BLOG IS 18+, MINORS DNI, angst, drinking, lots of emotions, mentions of canon-typical violence and injuries, mentions of death, joel is both an asshole and an Emotional Man, tess and liv are true bffs and god bless last nightâs episode for solidifying some of my plans đ¤
â¨I do not have a taglist - follow @friskito-library for updates on future chapters/worksâ¨
âYou need to talk to her.â
âNo, I donât.â
âYes, Joel, youââ
âDonât tell me what I need to fuckinâ do, Tess. Leave it be.â
âJoelââ
âPlease.â
+
Youâve been staying at Deannaâs. Two weeks now, since your stint in lockup, since Angie had beat the literal shit out of you. The couch isnât comfy, and your ribs are still sore, but itâs fine.Â
The kids are happy to have you around. Emily especially, once she got past the bruises on your face. You werenât expecting Henryâs reaction; when you woke up in Deannaâs apartment the next morning, he was sitting vigil beside you, tears on his face, bottom lip jutting out. You told him you fell down the stairs, trying to get a laugh out of him, and heâd just hugged you, buried his face in your chest.
You try to keep things normal, whatever the fuck that means anymore. You take on extra jobs, trying to earn more ration cards for the three living in your apartment. Tess shadows you, follows you around every day, and you tell her your secrets, point out your routes, the soldiers you have dirt on, the ones you know not to fuck with.
âSheâs the one that beat you?â she asks one day, jutting her chin towards Angie. Youâre standing in the warehouse that serves as the food bank, waiting in line. Youâve had a heartbeat in the bruise on your cheek since you woke up, and standing ten feet from the woman who gave it to you isnât exactly helping.Â
You disguise your nod as a stretch, wincing at the pull on your ribs. Deanna was sure you hadnât broken any, but you sure as hell were bruised. They didnât look as bad as your cheek, but the pain was deeper, and seemed intent to linger longer. âYeah, thatâs her.â
Tess sneers in her direction, and you have to stifle your laugh. âFucking bitch.â
You like Tess. You really like her. Sheâs a hard ass, but rightfully so, given the history. She hasnât given you much more of her past, and youâre definitely not about to offer up any of yours, but the friendship between you is quick. Youâve skirted the Joel subject so far, despite the fact that theyâre literally sleeping in your bed. Most of your conversations have been about the QZ, the inner workings, your smuggling. You have a job coming up, and Tess has already said sheâs coming with you.
âI doubt Joel will be thrilled about that.â
âJoel can fucking shove it.â
She hasnât been shy about her displeasure towards him, but it hasnât done much to change things between you. You went down to grab some clothes a few days back, and heâd been the only one inside. Tess was out exploring, and Tommy had gone with her.
He didnât say a goddamned word.
Youâd managed to hold back the tears until you were back in the hallway, but you sobbed so hard you thought you actually were going to crack a rib. And on the other side of the door, you heard the radio flick on, assumedly to drown out your noise.
You nearly put your boot through the wall.
You move up a few places in line, and reach into your pocket, pulling out the ration cards youâve collected. Itâs worked out okay; you had some stashed to begin with and you were able to pull a few jobs after you got back on your feet. But Tess is adamant theyâll pay you back, despite your protests.
âFirst job I take,â she says to you, jutting her chin towards the stack in your hand, âyou get half.â
You shake your head. âI told you, itâs fine.â
âItâs not,â she replies, her tone determined. âItâs the least we can do, after what you did for us. Hell, I should give you back double for putting up with the bullshit Joelâs been throwing at you.â
âItâs okay.â
âItâs not,â she repeats, and grabs your arm, turning you towards her slightly. âIâm not fucking okay with this. I need you to get that. He needs to talk to you. You need to talk to him.â
âHe doesnât want to talk to me, Tess,â you say, toying with a corner of a ration card. âI have to respect that.â
âAnd he should give you the same courtesy,â she says as you move up again. âYou need to talk this out. He canât keep putting up brick fucking walls; you deserve more respect than that. You put your ass on the line for us, and got the shit kicked out of you. History or not, he owes you. Iâll lock you two in the same room if I have to.â
âHah,â you scoff, lifting your brows. âIâm sure heâd love that.âÂ
She goes quiet as you reach the front of the line, handing over the cards. The woman working the table slides a crate of food across to you a second later, along with two jugs of water that Tess reaches for. Itâs not until youâre back outside that she speaks again.
âI want us to be friends,â she says, and the tone in her voice makes you pause, stopping in your tracks. âI like you, Liv; youâre strong as hell. Brave. Best damn smuggler Iâve ever seen. I justâŚI need you to understand, me and Joel, itâs nothing close to what I had with Nate, or what he had with you. I know that. I get that. We laid out ground rules from square one. Itâs aâŚâ She trails off, searching for the right word.
âA comfort,â you provide.
She nods. âYes. And IâŚif I had a second chance with Nate? If I walked down this street tomorrow and saw him walking through that fucking gate, thereâs nothing I wouldnât do toââ She stops, clamps her hand over her mouth and you almost jump when you see the tears in her eyes.
âTess.â She blinks hard, waving a hand at you, and in an instant, the badass demeanour has returned, if not doubly so. You continue, âIf heâs a comfort to you, I canât be the person that takes that away. Heâs not mine to take. Especially not if he doesnât want me back. Itâs okay. You canât force his hand in this.â
She eyes you, chewing at her thumbnail before, âMaybe I can.â
You shake your head, hefting the crate of food higher on your hip. âLetâs take this back.â
+
The doorknob jiggles, and Joelâs head snaps up. Heâs sat on your couch, some book about woodworking in his hands, a mostly abandoned glass of whiskey on the table in front of him. Tommyâs at the kitchen table, bent over a map, trying to figure out the path theyâd taken, all the way back to Austin. âIâm just curious,â heâd said when Joel had asked, his voice almost clipped. Joel hadnât pushed any further.
The door swings open, revealing you and Tess, a crate of food on your hip, Tess carrying jugs of water. Joel gets to his feet, wanders towards the kitchen, leaning against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. Tommy gets up immediately, takes one of the jugs from Tess. She starts putting stuff away, and you step closer to the table, digging in the pocket of your coat. âExciting news,â you say, pulling out a key ring with three keys on it, dropping it onto the table. âMoving day.â
âWeâre not going far, are we?â Tess asks over her shoulder.
âNo,â you reply, pushing a hand through your hair before shucking off your coat. âOne floor up, few units down. Besides, you know where to find me.â Joel catches you glance his way, but itâs short-lived, you turning away a moment later to help Tess put the rest of the food away. âI saw they have a posting for a handyman in the building, one for the apartment across the street too,â you say, putting away a box of instant mashed potatoes. âUnit maintenance and stuff like that, thought you boys might be good for it.â
Tommy nods, enthusiastic. âSounds good to me.â He glances at Joel over his shoulder. âGotta get started paying you back what we owe you, Liv.â
You wave a hand, and Joel sees Tess give you a pointed look. âListen, all of you. Weâre square, okay? I mean it. Iâm justâŚIâm glad youâre all here. Safe. Thatâs all that matters to me.â
Joel canât hold his tongue. âThat soldier beat you half to death.â
âOh, you noticed?â you throw back, and the guilt simmers in his gut. âWeâre square,â you repeat, leaning against the kitchen counter, hip cocked, arms crossed over your chest. A mirror of Joelâs stance. âBut thereâs something I wanted to bring up to the three of you. Tess and I have already talked it over, and Iâve done okay for myself given the circumstance, but I could use you, all three of you.â Your eyes flick from Tommy to Joel and back again, so quick he nearly misses it. âItâs a risk, I wonât lie, but Iâve got dirt on half the soldiers in this QZ. And I know exactly what to give them to keep their mouths shut.âÂ
âYou already know Iâm in,â Tess says, bumping her hip into yours. Thereâs a tiny grin on your face, the bruising along your cheek pinching slightly. âThere are still connections from Baltimore we can use. Between the four of us, we could be living like kings, for a change.â
You nod. âEither way, itâs an offer. I trust you all enough that youâll keep it secret, but if you want in, my doorâs always open.â You pause. âBut I do want my keys back.â
âIâm game,â Tommy says, leaning back in his chair. âYou tell me where and when, Liv, and Iâm there.â
âSame,â Tess agrees, âbut weâre still paying you back.â
Joel canât believe what heâs hearing. âAre you out of your damn minds? Both of you?â He stares at Tommy when his brother turns to face him, glances at Tess when she steps forward and plants her hands on the kitchen table. âWe just got safe again, and already you want to put that in jeopardy?â
Tess scoffs, and the sound makes Joel blood boil. Thereâs too much happening. The guilt never leaves, but seeing you, hearing your voice, it makes it that much worse, and Tess looking at him like heâs a fucking idiot doesnât help matters.
âWe pulled a lot of bad shit to stay alive out there, Joel,â she says, her tone stern. âBaltimore was no different. I highly doubt a bit of smuggling is going to fuck with our reputations.â
âYour records are clean,â you offer, your voice placating. It makes the hair on the back of Joelâs neck stand on end. âWhen Cowan brought you through, he wiped them. Tommyâs is already clean, otherwise they wouldnât have let him through to start with.â You lift your hands. âItâs just an offer, Joel.â
How have you managed to make his own name feel like a punch to the gut?
âIâll show you to the apartment,â you say, grabbing the keys off the table, putting a hand on Tessâs shoulder. âYou guys can talk it out. Thereâs no pressure. Iâve got a job in a few days, andââ
âI already told you, Iâm going with you,â Tess says, and Joelâs brows raise.
âTessââ
âShut up, Joel.â She turns towards the door. âLetâs go.â
You swallow, hard enough that Joel can see your throat bob from where heâs standing. Tess grabs her jacket, gestures at Tommy to do the same, and his brother gets to his feet. You hold open the door, and Joel follows Tess and Tommy out. He tries to catch your eye as he walks past you, but your gaze drops to the floor.
Their unit is one floor up, three down from yours. You unlock the door before handing the keys to Tess, let it swing inwards. It looks about the same as yours, save for the floral wallpaper. Itâs a bit bigger, an actual separate bedroom, another bed tucked in one corner, a room divider thatâs seen better days blocking it off. Heâs surprised, almost, that thereâs furniture, even blankets on the beds, and follows his brother inside. Tess wanders, and you hang in the doorway, leaned against the jamb.
âI found some stuff at the donation warehouse,â you say, scratching the back of your neck. âPeople will leave all kinds of shit down there, stuff they donât need. The mattresses arenât great, but I cleaned them best I could, and thereâs some clothes too.â Joel turns to look at you, and your eyes move away from his again. âAnd, if youâre game for smuggling, when knows what else we might find.â
Tommy walks back over to where youâre stood, slings an arm around your neck, pulling you against him. âYouâre an angel, Liv. Thank you.â
âYouâre welcome,â you reply, leaning your head against Tommyâs chest, and Joel ignores the zip ofâŚis that jealousy surging through his gut? Fuck.
But it turns into guilt just as quick, makes something mean bubble out of his mouth before he can stop it. âYou shouldnât have done this.â He doesnât look at you, not directly, but from the corner of his eye, sees you balk, flinching slightly.
âJoel,â Tess chides, walking over to the door, pulling you out of Tommyâs grip and into a hug. âWe owe you, I mean it.â
Joel watches, as you hug Tess. Your eyes flutter shut, your hands hooked around her shoulders, your brow pinched slightly. God, how many times had this thought crossed his mind? How many times had he wondered if the two of you would get along?
How many times had he dreamt of merely seeing you again?
Yet here he is, fucking it up harder than anyone ever could have imagined.
âIâm gonna go,â you say, jutting a thumb over your shoulder. âTess, Iâll see you tomorrow?â She nods. âAnd Tommy, you can ask Sergeant McCoy about the handyman gig. Heâs a decent guy.â
Then your eyes turn to Joel. He meets them, looks back at you, feels the guilt so thickly heâs convinced itâs replacing his blood. He thinks he hears you say his name, but then your wrench your eyes from his, disappearing from the doorway. His feet move of their own accord, propelling him towards the door, but he stops short, hands swinging at his sides.
Tommy claps him on the shoulder. âBrother, I love you, but youâre a fucking idiot.â He turns to Tess. âIâm gonna go check on her.â
Tess just nods, and the door shuts a moment later. Itâs just the two of them, and Joel can already tells heâs about to be on the receiving end of Tessâs anger.
âSit, Miller.â She points to the kitchen table. Itâs not much different than yours, though there are no maps spread across the surface. âYou canât keep doing this shit.â
âTess, donâtââ
âNo, shut the fuck up,â she cuts him off, her hand flexing in the air. âYouâre gonna sit there and youâre gonna listen, you understand? Please.â
Tess doesnât often say please.
Joel swallows hard. âFine.â
âYou need to go after Liv,â she says, the words blunt, laying her hand flat on the table. âYou canât keep pushing her away and treating her the way that you are. You canât keep doing this to her.â
âI have to,â he replies, the words quick, half-hearted. An excuse.
âNo, you donât,â Tess throws back, just as quick.
âYouââ
âWeâre done,â she says, cutting him off again. âYou and I. It was just stress relief, right from the beginning. I know that, you know that. Nate was gone and you were there and IâŚâ She shakes her head, lifts her hand to her mouth and bites her knuckle before continuing. âIf I had a second chance like this, a second shot, goddamn, I would have dropped you so fast your head wouldâve spun.â She actually laughs. Her eyes are big and wet, but no tears fall. âShe loves you, Joel, and you love her. I knew it from the second you saw her at the gas station. Itâs notââ
âTessââ
âListen to me, Joel. If I turned a corner tomorrow and saw Nate right there in front of me, thereâs not a force on this whole fucking planet that could keep me from him. So why are you doing this to her? To yourself?â
He goes quiet, for a long moment. Stares down at the table top, digs his nail into the grain of the wood. âYou said it yourself, Tess. We did a lot of bad shit out there to stay alive. Iâm notâŚâ He shakes his head. âIâm not who she remembers, who she loved before.â
Tess reaches out and grabs his hand, squeezes his fingers tightly. âJoel, the fucking world ended. I didnât know her before, but I highly doubt that the Liv I know now was the same before the outbreak. We do what we have to, to survive. She put her life on the line for us, without batting a fucking eye. The least you can do is talk to her.â
âI canâtââ
âYou can. What do I have to say to get it though your thick fucking skull, Miller? Second chances like this donât just happen. If I had one, I sure as hell wouldnât squander it the way youâre so hellbent on doing. So donât.â
âTessââ
âPlease.â
Tess doesnât often say please.
Slowly, Joel gets to his feet, and Tess follows suit. Heâs not quite sure what to do next, but then she grabs the front of his jacket, hauls him against her, throws her arms around his neck. He hugs her back, mouth pressed to the curve of her shoulder.
âAnd I donât wanna hear any more shit about not joining forces with Liv,â Tess says softly. âWeâd be fucking fools not to.â She claps him on the shoulder, pulling away. âIâll see you around, Joel.â
âBye, Tess.â
The doorknob is cold when he reaches for it, and Tess doesnât say another word as he steps out into the hall, pulls the door shut. His feet seem to carry him down the hall on their own. He heads down the stairs, faintly hears Tommyâs voice calling after him as he heads down towards the lobby.Â
âJoel, where you going?â
Itâs still a few hours until curfew, the sky still light, though dark clouds are gathering over the city. The moment heâs out the main door, heâs sprinting, running as fast as his legs will carry him. Heâs pushing past people on the street, boots scuffing on the pavement, mumbling apologies when he almost crashes into someone.Â
He just keeps going, arms pumping once heâs through the crowds of people trying to get home. He has no idea where heâs going, but he just keeps going, on and on and on until he finds himself standing in the same alleyway youâd lead him and Tess through, when youâd smuggled them inside.
What the fuck is he doing?
The rain starts slow, a few drips pelting his shoulders, the back of his neck. He tips his head back, stares up at the ominous dark clouds, hears the rumble of thunder in the distance. Joel lets his eyes slip closed, hands loose at his sides.
In a flash, itâs a downpour. Heâs soaked in a matter of seconds, rainwater seeping through his hair, wetting his scalp. It runs down his cheeks, sneaks beneath the collar of his flannel, gathers in the hollow of his throat.
She loves you, Joel, and you love her.Â
Tess is right. He knows sheâs right. It didnât matter how much time had passed, he always knew in the back of his mind that if he found you again, he wouldnât be able to keep himself away from you. Everything heâs been doing, everything heâs said since you mentioned Sarah, itâs beenâŚsurvival. Fear, that if he lets himself have you again, heâll just lose you, like he lost her. That someone or something will take you from him.
Tommy told me. About Sarah. Joel, Iâm so sorry, I justâ
It hurts. The memory makes panic and fear surge through him, every single time. Makes his heart beat faster, his hands clench into fists, sweat at his hairline. But you donât know that. How could you? He hasnât told you, hasnât let you in, hasnât done anything but try and stay as far away from you as possible.
He canât keep doing this. He knows that. When he closes his eyes, he still sees those tears on your face, at the gas station. The bat in your hand, the bravery in your eyes. You werenât the same person heâd fallen in love with back in Austin. But youâve survived just as hard as he has, and you lived. Youâre alive.
Iâll find you, baby.
He swore to you.
âWhat the fuck am I doing?â Joel says the words aloud, towards the sky, to the dark clouds still pouring down on him. âFuck.â
He turns on his heel and sprints back up the alley. The rain isnât letting it up, pelting his face, soaking his hair further. He pushes his way back through the crowds, takes the same random path heâd just run in reverse, back to the building.
Back to you.
He takes the stairs two at a time, ignoring the way his knees are shouting in protest. Heâs out of breath by the time he skids to a stop in front of your door, bangs his fist on the wood. âLiv!â
âItâs open,â he hears you call from the other side, and twists the handle, pushes the door open. Youâre sitting at the kitchen table, rubbing at your forehead, a bottle of whiskey not far from reach. Your gaze lifts slowly, but then your entire expression changes when you see him standing there in the doorway. âJoel? Whatâre you doââ
âI wanna talk to you,â he says, the words coming out in a rush. His heart is hammering in his chest. He steps through the doorway, shuts it behind him. âPlease.â
âWhy are you wet?â you ask, your eyes narrowing, but then you shake your head, waving your hands. âDoesnât matter. WhatâŚyou wanna talk?â
âI do.â
âAbout what?â
He heaves a breath. âYou. Me. Tess, sheââ
You lift a hand, your expression turning defeated, and reach for the whiskey. âItâs fine, Joel. I get it. Itâs not like I expected you to wait around for me or anything like that, but just for the record, itâs not reason enough to avoid me like the fucking plague.â You take a swig from the bottle, tearing your eyes from his.
âIâm sorry,â he says instantly, and takes a step towards the table. You lower the bottle, slide your gaze back to his. âAbout all of it, Liv. Please. I just wanna talk you.âÂ
He rubs a hand over the back of his neck, shakes the water from his fingers. You donât say anything when he shrugs out of his jacket, hangs it on the hook near the door, settles into the seat across from you. He points towards the whiskey, and you slide it across the table to him. The liquor burns on the way down, but the warmth that follows helps with the chill from the rain.
You lean back slightly in your chair, crossing your arms over your chest, staring him down. âYou wanna talk, Miller,â you say, and part of him wonders how much youâve had to drink already. âThen talk.â
He takes another long swig of the whiskey. The noise the bottle makes as he puts it back down seems to echo through the apartment. âIâve been an asshole,â he says, his gaze dropping to his lap, âsince the gas station. Iâve been trying my goddamn best to push you away, and I justâŚâ He lifts his head, lets one hand rest on the table, an olive branch between you. âIâm sorry.â
âYou said that already.â
âLiv, I justâŚI did some terrible shit out there, to stay alive. Iâm not the same. But I know you arenât either.â
âWe all do terrible shit to stay alive, Joel.â You huff a little laugh. âItâs just the way of the world now.â You drag a hand over your face. âBesides, you are the only thing I have left,â you say, and Joelâs heart jumps into his throat, âfrom before.â You blink hard, and he can see the tears gathering along your lashes. Everything in him wants to vault the table separating you and just hold you. âI was gonna leave Boston. Before they put up the wall, when all that was standing in my way was a fucking chain link fence. I was gonna leave. Then Cowan calls the Austin QZ, asks about my family, and thereâs no record of my sister, no record of you, but my parentsâŚâ
You trail off, shaking your head, squeezing your eyes shut. You wipe at your cheeks, and lay your hand on the table, inches from his. Joelâs fingers twitch.
âWhat happened?â
âFEDRA levelled Austin, when it was overrun. My parents were in a shelter, when they dropped the bombs, and no one survived.â
Joel balks. He remembers, that night, the outbreak. He remembers Tommyâs truck barrelling down the road, down the main drag where the hardware store was. He remembers flames pouring out of the storefront, shattered glass and the way the awning had caught fire. He remembers praying to whoever the fuck was even bothering to listen anymore that your family was okay.
âSo you stayed.â
You nod, fingers tapping on the table. âI stayed. I got lucky, really. Dean got me good, before IâŚâ You trail off, rubbing at your shoulder. âThey were killing anyone who was injured, shooting them point blank in the streets. I just ran, and nearly a week later, when the soldiers stopped me at the fence, I was still me, and Cowan made sure no one saw my injuries, had Deanna treat me. Left a nasty fucking scar.â You squeeze your shoulder, pulling your eyes from Joelâs. âI never stopped wanting to go looking for you, Joel. Not once. I justââ
He shakes his head, flexes his fingers on the tabletop. âIt doesnât matter, Liv. You did what you had to, to stay alive. We all did.â He swallows hard. âWhen did it happen? With Dean.â
You grab the bottle, turning fully to face him, your other hand still planted inches from his. âOutbreak day. Itâs funny, actually, I had just been on the phone, with you, you remember?â
Joel lets himself smile, the conversation rising to the surface of his mind. âWe wished each other happy birthday.â
âWe did,â you agree, and take a swig. âI just got home, and Dean wasâŚhe was just standing there, in the bedroom, staring out the window. He didnât notice me, not at first.â You shake your head, letting go of the bottle, rubbing your fingers across your forehead. âI shouldnât have done it, looking back, but I didnât know, and IâŚI called his name. He turned, and he looked at me with thatâŚthat dead look they have, you know? And thenâŚthen he started running at me, and I knew something was wrong. I kept the bat right by the bedroom door, and when he came at me, I justâŚswung. Until he stopped.â
You grab the bottle again, and Joel flexes his pinky wide, until it grazes yours. Your eyes drop to the table. âYou protected yourself, baby.â
Itâs like everything in the apartment shifts, as the endearment rolls off his tongue. He doesnât mean to say it so soon, but everything in him is aching to comfort you, the feeling tenfold after being stuffed down for so long. Why did he put you through this? Why did he put himself through this?
Your eyes are watery when they lift to his again. âI never should have left Austin, Joel,â you say, and slide your hand across the table, settling it on top of his, your palms pressed together. âI never should have left you.â
âIâm here now,â he says, letting his fingers curl around your wrist. His heart races when you do the same. âIt doesnât matter. None of it.â
Your thumb slides across his pulse, and your eyes flutter shut for a moment before they meet his again. Thereâs fire in your eyes, one he hasnât seen in a long, long time. âWhat are we doing here, Joel?â
His brow pinches. âWhat dâyou mean?â
âThis is the ultimate second chance,â you say, and he canât help his chuckle, âand we are royally fucking it up.â He keeps laughing, and you dig your nails into his skin, making him yelp. âItâs not funny, Joel!â
âI know, I know,â he says, his tone going apologetic. âItâs justâŚyou and Tess get on well, donât you?â
You scoff a little laugh, nodding. âSheâs a badass.â
He juts his chin towards you. âSo are you.â
âI get it,â you say, pulling your eyes away. Your hand stays where it is. âThe two of you, it makes sense. IâŚI was with Cowan.â You make a face. âAm with Cowan? I donât know. Itâs justâŚcomfort, I guess, but now, itâŚâ
Joel canât help but bristle slightly. âHeâs helped you all these years?â
You nod slowly. âHasnât ratted me out, got me out of some pretty deep shit once or twice. But heâs notâŚâ You nail him to the spot with your stare, leaning forward slightly, sliding your hand up his arm until itâs wrapped around his forearm, resting in the crook of his elbow. âHe doesnât come close, Joel. Dean, Cowan, theyâre justâŚâ You shake your head. âTheyâre nothing, compared to you. I could never love anyone else the way I loved you.â You pause, chew your lip. âLove you.â
âLivââ
âBut I wonât get between you and Tess, I promise. I like her, and you and me, it doesnâtââ
âTess broke things off,â he says, and your eyes go wide. âShe was right. I couldnât keep doing what I was doing, pushing you away, thinking it was easier that way. I donât want to stay away from you anymore. I canât stay away from you.â
âSo donât.â
âYou just said you and Cowanââ
âIt doesnât fucking matter. None of it matters.â
Joelâs brain stalls, for a moment, seeing the flare in your eyes. He gets up slowly. Your hands move to your lap as he rounds the table, pulls you to your feet. Thereâs only inches between you, the air turning thick with tension. âSay it again,â he says, his voice hushed, almost a whisper.
You close the distance, stepping into his arms. His hands slip beneath the hem of your sweater, resting on your jean-clad hips, and Joel inhales deeply when your palms slide up his biceps, rest on his shoulders, one hand slipping up the back of his hair, wet curls twisted between your knuckles.Â
âDonât stay away from me,â you murmur, tugging lightly at his hair, until his face is angled with yours. He can smell the whiskey on your breath, see the remains of the bruise on your cheek. He can feel your heartbeat, wild against his own, your chest against his. âBe with me, Joel, please.â
Your voice cracks on the please, and thatâs what gets him. The tension snaps, and he canât hold back anymore.
Thereâs no hesitancy in it. It feels like heâs kissing you for the very first time all over again â feels like heâs seeing you for the first time all over again. The press of your mouth is hot and wet, a tiny mewl falling from your lips to his as you hold him to you, your fingers tightening in his hair. He kisses your bottom lip, then the top, sinking his teeth into your flesh, pulling more tiny noises from you. God, heâs fucking missed you, so goddamned much.
You chase him when he pulls away, grabbing his lower lip between your teeth, making him groan into your mouth, giving you a hungrier kiss the second time round. He pushes you backwards, your boots tangling with his and suddenly youâre a heap of limbs on the ground. You actually laugh and Joel kisses the sound right out of your mouth, licking his tongue along the seam of your lips.
The motion makes you whimper, adjusting yourself beneath him until your thighs are spread either side of his hips, your boots planted on the ground. Everything in him feels white-hot, and he canât stop kissing you, making up for lost time, pouring his apologies into his kisses, memorizing the way you feel and taste now.
âJoel,â you gasp out when he slides his hand along your jaw, tilts your head back on the wood floor, noses his way down your throat.
âYeah, baby?â he murmurs into your skin, inhaling you deeply, kissing at your pulse.
âTake me to bed.â
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#my fics#strawberry wine#joel miller#joel miller fic#joel miller x you#joel miller x reader#joel miller smut#joel miller fluff#joel miller angst#the last of us#the last of us fic#the last of us spoilers#joel miller x oc#joel miller x liv stone
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