#i love selena so much | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kumeko · 3 months ago

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A/N: For the Grandeur @camillafezine! Between the 3 routes and FeH, there are so many what-ifs for Camilla that I had to explore them all. And lots of obligatory Nohr Sibling angst/fluff.

…

In another life, Camilla becomes a queen. A temporary one, perhaps, one that is only a stand-in, but a queen nonetheless. Xander lies ill in his chambers, a terrible wound on his chest incapacitating him. Their father is dead, the war is over, and Nohr is looking for a leader.

Camilla had never wanted to be that leader. Not even at the height of battle between mistresses, the jockeying of children as each of the king’s consorts vied for favour. Yet the duty falls on her nonetheless, as heavy as the robes on her back. She stares at her reflection in the mirror and finds a stranger looking back. The ermine-trimmed cloak, the sleek armour, none of it resembles her usual battle-attire in the least.

“This doesn’t look right,” she mutters under her breath. Long sleeves hide all but her hands, and she feels vulnerable without her trusty axe by her side. It feels even odder to just wait in this side-chamber, away from her family. Camilla’s coronation is in an hour, all the preparation is in place, and her younger siblings are no doubt rushing about, making sure nothing is forgotten.

Or perhaps it is just Leo who is rushing about—Elise and Corrin are no doubt tending to Xander, confident their perfectionist brother has it all under control. She should be out there with them, not hidden away until she’s called.

“What doesn’t?” Selena asks, reminding Camilla once more that she isn’t entirely alone. Resting a hand on her hip, the red-haired retainer scowls. “Did they apply the make-up too heavily? I told you I can do a better job than them.”

Camilla chuckles. At least this feels normal. She turns to where Selena stands, guarding the window. The grumpy pout is absolutely adorable and she feels her tension slip away. “I’ll keep that in mind next time, darling.”

“You better,” Selena huffs. From the corner of her eye, she studies Camilla before reluctantly admitting, “It’s not terrible.”

At the door, Beruka grunts and averts her gaze. “You look good.”

As rare as it is for the assassin to stand openly, it’s even rarer still to hear a compliment. Their shyness is even cuter than their sulking. Camilla wants nothing more than to pull them both into her arms and squeeze them, but it is almost time to go.

“I am glad you both approve,” Camilla replies, smiling brightly at both of them. Leo once told her she had no restraint; if only he could see her now. She cups her cheek and sighs. “If only you both wore dresses too.”

Beruka shudders immediately. Her reply is curt, as sharp as the blade she wields. “Assassins don’t wear dresses.”

There is nothing in that response about Beruka hating the idea. Camilla saves that information for later.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Selena hunches over and moans, “I would have, but I can’t do guard duty like that.” After a moment, as though realizing the implications, she straightens up and adds, “Not that I don’t want this duty.”

“Oh?” Camilla taps her chin, her long nails lightly scratching her skin. Perhaps she should look into battle dresses. They could be made in time for Xander’s coronation.

A shiver runs down her spine, a doubt entering her mind, but Camilla refuses to entertain it. Xander will recover. He will be crowned. He will be fine. If she thinks otherwise, she knows she’ll crumble.

Outside, she can hear nobles entering the grand cathedral, chittering like the crows and harpies they are. Most of them do not want her in this position: Leo is the second favourite after Xander, even more so for the flexibility they perceive in him. Elise is an easily manipulated choice and Corrin doesn’t exist in their eyes. Camilla is known for her blood thirst and beauty, and she has heard enough rumours about the madness they fear from her. No, it is the men the nobles look to.

It’ll be satisfying to see their faces when she steps out.

There’s a knock on the door. Camila swallows inconspicuously. “It’s time.”

Beruka nods and opens the door before slipping through it to secure their exit. Meanwhile, Selena stalks over. “One second.”

Camilla holds still, watching in curiosity as Selena readjusts her cloak and the sash across her chest. Her fingers are meticulous and battle-scarred. Not for the first time, Camilla wonders just what sort of life her retainer has led.

Just what sort of life she’ll return to, if given the chance.

Camilla isn’t certain she’s ready to say goodbye yet. She wasn’t before the war and she definitely isn’t now, in the midst of an uneasy peace. “You’ll tell me when you’ll leave, right?”

“Of course, I promised.” Selena pouts as she brushes imaginary dust from Camilla’s shoulders. “You don’t believe me?”

“I do.” Camilla smiles softly, squeezing Selena’s shoulder with a gloved hand.

“Good.” Selena grins unabashedly, surprisingly honest for once. “Though, I really hope I won’t have to go for a while. I want to see your reign myself.”

“You do?” Camilla stares at her retainer, surprised. “Why?”

“Yeah, I…” Catching herself, Selena flushes a bright red and averts her gaze. “That is…I…you’ll make a good queen.”

And then, she all but runs out of the room.

A good queen. Camilla isn’t sure she has it in her. If she ever had it in the first place. Still, there’s at least one person who thinks otherwise.

Camilla glances at the mirror again. She was not raised for this duty but she will master it all the same. She will keep her family together, her country in one piece.

In another lifetime, Camilla’s reflection stands a little straighter, ready for the weight of the crown.

-x-

In another life, Camilla abandons her duty. She takes the crown, as cool as her brother’s corpse, and drops it immediately. It is not a weight she wants to bear. It is not a weight she can bear.

Her body’s already crushed from the grief of losing both Xander and Elise in a single night. No longer does laughter ring in the hallways, no longer does lamp light spill out of the study at late hours. Her family shrinks until it is three, and then two.

The weight of hatred is just as heavy as grief and is no less binding.

The only light she has is Leo—King Leo, now, and Camilla clings to his hand like she’s drowning. The crown looks too big on his head, the robe still needs adjusting, and for a moment, all she can see is a child playing dress up.

“Xander would be proud,” Camilla murmurs, gently brushing his hair out of his face. “You’ve grown so much these past few weeks.”

To his credit, he doesn’t flinch, though a flicker of pain flashes across his face. Leo clenches his jaw. “I would rather he be here than me. This…this wasn’t how I wanted to beat him.”

This isn’t how Camilla wanted to overthrow her father either. If she had stepped in earlier, if she had done something before it got to this point, would things have been different? When would that have been? When Xander faced Corrin? When Elise left to bring Corrin into the castle? Or earlier still, when Corrin abandoned them for Hoshido, when her father ordered Corrin’s punishment, when her father first started to veer into darkness?

It is too late for what-ifs.

She is still full of them.

Her vision grows blurry and Camilla blinks quickly as she tries to keep her composure. She is tired of lying in bed, her days and nights blurring into the colour grey. Even if it is only for today, she wants to be herself again. She wants to be there, in the present.

Leo touches her hand lightly. When she looks at him, he gives her a small smile and taps his collar. “It’s not inside out today.”

She stares at him. To think, he’s consoling her now. Just when had he grown so mature? Camilla forces a smile as she straightens his robe. “I guess you don’t need my help anymore.”

“I do.” Leo clasps her hands immediately. His eyes are serious, even though his ears are red with embarrassment. “I always do. Now, more than ever.”

For a moment, Camilla’s reminded of a conversation they had months ago, when Leo quietly admitted he wished she’d dote on him more.

And now, he will be the only one she’ll ever dote on.

“I’ll be here,” she promises, her smile more genuine now. A bittersweet warmth fills her. Camilla leans forward, pressing a kiss on his cheek. “I’m always here for my darlings.”

Pensively, Leo asks, “What about…Corrin?”

“No.” Camilla immediately rejects the notion, the idea. She steps backward, her hands cold as they fall limply to her side. At one point, that name had meant everything to her. At one point, she couldn’t go an hour without thinking of their younger sister.

Now it’s enough to send her stomach churning, bile rising up her throat.

And Leo, the boy who taunted Corrin, the boy who teased her, is the man now protecting her. “She didn’t intend—”

“I don’t—I can’t…” Words fail Camilla and she covers her lips with a hand. Forcing herself to breath in through her nose and slowly out her mouth, she makes herself calm down. “I just…”

“I shouldn’t have asked.” Gently, Leo embraces her, his hands patting her back. Before, he had never been one for affectionate gestures. Now, she finds herself on the receiving end more than the giving. His hand had clasped hers while she wasted away on her bed, depression eating away at her core.

“No, it’s…” Camilla buries her face in his cloak, the ermine trim tickling her skin. “It was cute how you used to hold grudges over everything.”

“I still do,” Leo replies, his hand still patting her back. He’s taller, his shoulders broader, and she isn’t sure if she just never noticed or if his new duties gave him a growth spurt. “Odin ruined my favourite cloak yesterday, and he’s still making up for it.”

Camilla chuckles wetly. “Try not to be too hard on him. He’s cuter when he makes mistakes.”

“I don’t think he can be cured.” Leo sighs. His voice quiets. “I just don’t want anymore hate. Especially with Corrin. It’s not forgiveness just…I’m tired of fighting.”

It sounds like forgiveness. Camilla wishes she had the strength. Corrin’s eyes were full of heartbreak when she’d apologized for Xander’s and Elise’s deaths. Somewhere in Hoshido, she must be crying too.

Somewhere in Hoshido, her other family is comforting her.

Camilla has never thought of herself as a bitter person, but it fills her all the same now. Leo’s warm in her arms, but all she can think about are the two people missing from this hug, the four arms that should be wrapped around them now.

“Even then,” Camilla murmurs. “I just can’t.”

-x-

In another life, Camilla attends a royal funeral in Hoshido. She watches two sisters mourn over their brothers, their grief shattering the younger one. Corrin mourns too, for the family she never knew, for Hoshido’s late queen caught up in their father’s schemes, for the life that she had lost.

In another life, Camilla watches the tears of strangers with a twinge of sympathy, but no regrets. Her family survives and that is all that matters.

-x-

In another life, Corrin lets go of her Nohrian family. She reaches for her long lost Hoshido brother, never looking back as they sweep her away into parts unknown.

In another life, Camilla’s heart breaks and then hardens. She had long known that Corrin’s place had never been in Nohr, that she was meant for something different, something special. It was easy enough to see with how their father treated her, this lost princess that neither Xander nor her could determine the origins of. Their father called her daughter, and they accepted it as fact.

And now, they are paying the price for their ignorance.

There is rage in her, like fire, like lightning, like the claws and teeth of her wyvern. Camilla has never known what is to hate, truly, until this moment. Not even when her mother pitted her against her siblings, not even when her father requested darker and darker missions of her, had she ever felt a hate like this.

“I want to come too,” Elise says, clutching her staff as she stands in the middle of Camilla’s room. To her credit, she doesn’t let her voice tremble. While she is the youngest of the siblings, she’s an adult nonetheless, one raised and ready for war.

Camilla has never felt a fear like this. It grips her heart with icy claws. Corrin is gone. War leads to death. And for all of Elise’s strength, she is not a fighter. There is no hesitation as she says, “No.”

Elise stiffens, expecting the response. She sets her jaw, her hands gripping her staff tighter. “Why not? I can fight too!”

“It’s too dangerous, dearest,” Camilla replies easily. It is not a lie. It is not the truth. She reaches down and strokes Elise’s soft hair. Her sister’s black ribbons were a birthday present three years ago, her dress last year’s, and Camilla can only see the tiny baby she vowed to protect.

Her sister pouts childishly up, her cheeks still chubby with baby fat. “That’s why I have to be there! I can protect everyone. I can even heal!”

The stubborn streak runs deep in their family. Camilla keeps her smile. “I’m sorry, Elise, but I can’t let you go to the front lines. You understand, I hope?”

There’s a grumpy exhale as Elise averts her gaze. After mulling over it for a moment, she brightens and chirps, “Then what about the medical tent?”

It’s a reasonable suggestion. A good one, even. Camilla discards it all the same. “No, dear. You have to stay here.”

“But why?” Elise grabs her hand tightly, confused. “I can help!”

“I…” Camilla cups Elise’s cheek, brushing her thumb across her baby soft cheeks. There is a hole in her chest, a black void that she doesn’t want to grow any bigger. Corrin escaped her arms, but she refuses to let anyone else do so. And if she has to clip a few wings, then that’s what she’ll do.

Camilla wraps her arms around her younger sister, pulling her in for a tight hug. “Please. Just for today. I’m worried.”

“Sis…” Elise sighs before hugging her back. “Finneee. I’ll stay. But next time, I’m fighting right next to you.” She looks up, determined. “I can protect you too.”

“Next time,” Camilla agrees. Camilla lies. She’ll have to find another excuse. Her gilded cage cannot open again. Part of her wonders if she can get a fine, gold chain made, if she can slip it around Elise’s ankles so she doesn’t sneak into the slums like she’s prone to do.

-x-

In another life, Camilla takes Azura’s hand. As a child, she knows intimately of loneliness, of alienation, of all the feelings one has while watching from afar. No one notices or acknowledges Azura, whether it’s their father, their siblings, or the competing consorts. Maybe they see competition. Maybe they see a weak girl, one easy to disappear.

Camilla sees a friend. She takes Azura’s hand and clasps it tight.

When tragedy strikes, when Hoshido and Nohr take up arms and hostages are kidnapped, Camilla is taken with Azura. Even in danger, Camilla refuses to let go of her people. Though she doesn’t know how to wield her axe yet, she still has her strength and loyalty.

The Hoshidan queen and chief tactician hardly know what to do with not one, but two Nohrian princesses. The whole thing is a mistake, but Nohr will not return Corrin and so Hoshido cannot give up their hostages. The games royalty plays are the same regardless of what side of the border they’re on. Nobles of all stripes only care for how they can use the two girls and how to torment them otherwise.

The children, however, are different, and in them Camilla sees a glimpse of what her family could have been. There is no contest for the throne, no pitting of heirs in a battle of the fittest. Instead, the siblings work together. Instead, despite their loss, Sakura reaches out with shaky hands, Ryoma gives a firm hug, and Hinoka a begrudging smile. Only Takumi glares and ignores them, but Camilla finds that adorable anyways.

In this life, Azura doesn’t know loneliness. Camilla refuses to let her. The walls she keeps up between herself and the Hoshidan royals shatter with a single swing of Camilla’s mighty will. Years pass and memories of Nohr are replaced with green grass, clean air, and sun-like warmth.

Now an adult, Camilla stays still as she watches Azura tug her kimono, trying and failing to cover her ample cleavage. With a soft sigh, Azura reluctantly gives up and steps back. “I am afraid I cannot adjust it any further. It’s not…”

Azura trails off meaningfully and Camilla chuckles. Her bust is not made for an outfit like this. Neither are the rest of her curves and that is why Takumi always looks away, scandalized, or Ryoma offers her his heavy cloak whenever they make formal appearances.

“I like to think of it as a new style,” Camilla says cheerfully, twirling around. Her kimono loosens even more with the movement. Ignoring Azura’s soft groan, she reaches onto their bedroom dresser and picks up a gold earring. “Your dress looks lovely, darling. You just need this to finish it properly.”

Azura shakes her head, mirth filling her voice. “You never tire of dressing me up.”

“Of course not.” Camilla beams brightly. “I love pampering those I love. And you deserve it.”

“So do you.” A familiar shadow crosses Azura’s face and she bites her lip. “You should be in Nohr, with your siblings.” She rubs her wrist anxiously. “Your youngest sister doesn’t even know your face.”

“She does not know yours either,” Camilla replies softly. It is just like Azura to forget herself.

“That’s fine.” Azura shakes her head. “You weren’t even the target of the kidnapping, and they…they didn’t know me regardless.”

They had argued this before. They will argue this in the future. Camilla grabs Azura’s hands, clasping them tightly in her own. “I couldn’t, wouldn’t, let you go alone. I don’t regret it.”

Azura stares at her in disbelief. “Don’t you miss your siblings?”

“Every day. Every minute. And one day, I will return to see them.” Camilla intertwines their fingers. “But I love my new family too.”

Azura gnaws her lip. “But—”

“No buts,” Camilla interrupts, settling the matter once and for all. “I am quite happy with my life. Aren’t you?”

There’s a soft sigh and Azura hangs her head. Quietly, she admits, “Happier than I was there.”

It’s a sad truth. Camilla holds out the earring. “It’s only here I see your smile. So please don’t talk like that, dear.”

In another life, Camilla doesn’t know Corrin. She barely knows Elise. But she does know Sakura, Hinoka, Ryoma, Takumi, and Azura. She knows a mother’s warmth and a kind home and she is all the richer for it.

-x-

In another life, Camilla comforts a grieving, distraught Corrin after Azura’s disappearance. They fought a war together and still Camilla does not think much of the blue-haired girl, not even enough to feel a small pang of what could have been.

In another life, Azura is remembered as a traitor by the Hoshidans, a nobody to the Nohrians, and it is only Corrin who grieves the loss.

-x-

In another life, Camilla and Xander do not hesitate. They are loyal to the bone, their family the most important part of their life. Despite the cruelty their father teaches and their mothers practice, the Nohrian prince and princess are shaped by their love for their siblings. And it is out of that love that they turn their blades on their father, cutting him down before all that’s left of the warm man they once knew are memories of a tyrant.

Elise and Leo are asleep in their rooms, unaware of the treachery underfoot tonight. The guards turn a blind eye, lulled by the promise of a better tomorrow, a better Nohr. Inside the expansive throne room, Camilla sets down her bloody axe with a dull thud. She leans on it, panting.

Nearby, in the very center of the room, lies their father’s broken, cooling body. Xander stands in front of it, staring. There should be tears neither of them are shedding. Perhaps it’s the shock.

“It’s done,” she finally says, breaking the silence.

“So it is,” Xander agrees, not looking at her. His posture is abnormally stiff. Camilla knows who he is, the distance he’s forced onto himself in order to lower their father’s guard. It was a role they needed while waiting for this moment.

Now the moment is gone and there is no longer any need for the ‘cold princeling’. Camilla forces her weary limbs into an awkward shuffle. When she reaches her brother, she pulls him close until their foreheads’ touch. She doesn’t have to see his eyes to know the guilt within. “This was the right thing.”

He’s still looking at their father’s body. His reply is textbook perfect. “That doesn’t mean it was right.”

“That distinction only matters to you,” Camilla replies evenly, weaving her hand through his hair and massaging his scalp. It works; he relaxes at her soothing touch. Smiling, she adds, “And that is why you will make a great king, dear.”

“Father—Garron was one.” Xander trembles, tiny earthquakes revealing the heart of his problem. “Who’s to say I will not end up the same?”

“I do, darling.” Camilla pulls back and squeezes his shoulder. “I’ll keep an eye on you.”

He doesn’t look convinced. “Will that be enough?”

“You doubt my strength?” Camilla raises a brow.

Xander flinches. “No, that wasn’t—”

“Besides, Leo will also be there. He has to chase you adorably, after all. And Elise will keep your heart safe. And Corrin—” Camilla cuts herself off, recalling the newest member of their family.

“Corrin…” Xander’s expression darkens, remembering how Garron had presented her to court after her kidnapping. “She shouldn’t be here in the first place.”

It’s true. Camilla doesn’t like it nonetheless. Something dark, possessive curls up within her. She doesn’t like that either; it’s something Garron would feel. Maybe she’s the one who takes after him, his tendencies waiting within her to spring out.

His blood is cooling on her hands. She doesn’t need to learn another lesson on obsession.

“We’ll send her home,” Xander decides. “An exchange of hostages.”

Briefly, Camilla remembers the blue-haired princess. Asura? Ashura? Another addition to the family either way. If only she could keep both girls in Nohr. “Do you think they’ll agree?”

Xander hesitates before nodding. “I believe it was just Garron who was stalling the peace talks.”

“I see.” Camilla reaches down, picking the blood-splattered crown off the ground. She rubs it with a sleeve, wiping it clean. In the flickering torch light, it gleams red.

“We’ll make things right. Here first, and then abroad.” Xander smiles wanly before ducking his head slightly at her silent request.

The crown slips onto his head too easily. “I know you will, dear.”

If there is anyone who can uphold such a lofty promise, it’s him.

-x-

In another life, Garron lives and Nohr wins the war. Camilla knows only of blood, of pain, and how to inflict it on others. To her regret, it’s a lesson Elise, Leo, and Corrin have now learned too. Villages burn, people die, and whether it is loyalty or fear, none of them are able to turn on their father and stop him.

Camilla tries not to think of how long it’s been since she’s seen anyone smile.

-x-

In another life, there is peace. Nohr and Hoshido do not fight. Garron died by Corrin’s hands; there could not be peace otherwise, their father too far gone to return to the kind man from their memories. Camilla doesn’t mind. She can’t mourn someone who they’d lost long before he’d breathed his last.

Corrin spends her days flitting between her families, between Nohr, Hoshido, and a lost kingdom of her own. A lost power of her own. A family of her own.

Yet, still she comes when they call. Today, that call is at the beach. Xander is holding Elise’s hands as he tries to teach her how to swim, while Leo hides under an umbrella with his book. It won’t protect him for long but it’s cute that he tries.

Camilla stands at a distance, watching them all. Even now, in this time of quiet and serenity, a single fear runs down her back. Something could shatter it. It might even be herself; despite all reassurances that they’re safe, Camilla finds it impossible to let go of her family.

Sometimes, she fears her love is too much, too great. That her parents’ darkness is her own.

“What are you doing here? Is something wrong?” Corrin asks, stepping onto the hot sand next to her. From the corner of her eye, Camilla spots Jakob running over with an umbrella. Sometimes it feels like she shares the same mind with Corrin’s loyal retainer.

“Nothing, dearest.” Camilla smiles as she pats her sister’s hair. “I wish I could have a painting of this. Maybe next time.”

“Then we’d have to stay still for hours. Elise would complain.” Corrin chuckles, dismissing the idea. “We’re supposed to have fun at the beach, not in a painting.”

“That’s true.” Camilla wonders how long they’ll be able to do this, how long it’ll be before Xander’s and Corrin’s duties keep them further and further away. “How long will you stay?”

“I’d like to say as long as I want but…” Corrin grimaces, her expression gaunt. It’s the same expression Elise has when she looks at her studies. “Well, I can’t run away for too long, but hopefully a few days. I don’t want to go back to that fortress, but things were a lot simpler then.”

Sometimes, Camila wishes the same. There was no need to share Corrin, back then. Elise still didn’t know the darkest truths of their kingdom. “If you need help, just let me know.”

“That’s just what Xander and Ryoma told me too.” Corrin laughs as she squeezes Camilla’s hand. “You let me know too, okay? We’re family, after all. You don’t have to shoulder things by yourself anymore, you can share it with us.”

It’s a truth Camilla knows already, but it sounds more real when Corrin says it. “We are family.”

“Of course.” Corrin leans her head against Camilla’s arm. “Always.”

Always. Camilla likes the ring of that.

In another life, Camilla is happy.