#i love her and i love how much she reminds me of myself

[georgiapeach30513]

Once you've entered the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it's pretty tough to dip back out into the world of a struggling actor. But that's exactly what Chris Evans is doing in Materialists. The new romantic dramedy from writer-director Celine Song - the follow-up to her soulful 2023 debut Past Lives, which earned Oscar nominations for Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay - sees Evans trade his Captain America spandex for a cater waiter's apron as John, a broke theater actor working odd jobs to pay the bills. The film sets up a love triangle between John, his high-end matchmaker ex Lucy, played by Dakota Johnson, and Harry, a charming, wealthy suitor played by Pedro Pascal.

"John is amalgamation of an entire lifestyle of theater artists in New York City," Song told Rolling Stone on a recent video call from New York City. "He's somebody who was born poor and grew up poor and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about it in a way that's really beautiful, and I find that to be quite moving. So how did she land on a literal American hero as her romantic underdog?

"There is a merchandise of Chris that people who do not know him maybe see first and foremost, because that's the easiest way to understand an actor, as an object," Song says. "But then when I actually met Chris the person, he was so inspiring as John, because there's a part of Chris that's John and has been John forever. Chris for a while was an up and comer, and he also understands that." She adds with a laugh, "He's had roommates."

Evans welcomed the change of pace the role offered. "It's certainly nice to play someone who has challenges and struggles that I can relate to, just very human, pedestrian hurdles, as opposed to life-ending consequences," Evans says of playing a guy without superpowers.

"His posture, physicality, clothing, the tangible things that you can live in to bring a character to life - it's nice that it was flannels and sweatpants as opposed to a shield."

Rolling Stone spoke with Evans about Materialists, his own experience with moviemaking behind the camera, and modern romance.

What drew you to Materialists?

What Celine does so well is take what seems at times like simple dialogue and make the scene, from a directorial standpoint, incredibly special. She has a way of making it feel the way these things actually feel when they're happening to you.

Sometimes very simple things can happen in life that feel so profound, and when you try to tell a friend about it, it's never the same. And that's about the restraint that she shows as a director.

The restraint she shows as a writer. The silence and the pacing have just as much impact as the words themselves.

When you read the screenplay did you immediately feel connected to John?

I assumed that I would be cast as Harry when I first met with [Celine]. She said,

"Which role do you like?" And I said,

"Well, I like John, but I guess I'd be OK if you want to cast me as Harry." Both roles were wonderful, but I was a little more drawn to John. Luckily she felt the same.

What did you like about him?

There was more vulnerability, there was more pain. John is a guy who isn't where he wants to be in life. And I think it's easy to project an attitude of not caring, because if you care, then you'll have to try. And if you try, you might fail. John is this living embodiment of, "I'll push you away before you can push me away." But he also can't help his heart. He loves Lucy. And to admit that to Lucy, to admit that to himself, requires risk. And that's where his growth unfolds. where his growth unfolds.

Did playing John remind you about your early days in acting, considering he's still trying to break in?

I absolutely can relate to that aspect of John. The drive, the doubt, the shitty roommates, these are all things that I absolutely identify with. I myself am a little bit more of an open book. I'm too sensitive, you know. I'm a delicate guy.

And as a result, I probably overshare as a coping mechanism, where I think John is a little bit more of a closed book.

If you were 37, living with an inconsiderate roommate, and working random gigs to get by, would you still be trying to pursue acting?

I don't know how I would handle it if I were in my late thirties still trying. But I certainly know it would make me punchy. It would make me feel defensive and a little ossified and not wanting to feel inadequate because of the fact that I haven't reached my dreams. You feel inadequate enough to yourself, and to have a romantic partner also tell you the ways you're inadequate, it's just too much.

Talk to me a little bit about shooting the barn scene near the end of the film, where John and Lucy have a painful but necessary heart-to-heart. John says some rather swoon-worthy but also sorrowful lines.

One of the things that I love about Celine is that she shoots on 35[mm film]. Past Lives was absolutely gorgeous. And when you show up that night and see those string lights, you know you're going to be in a frame of film that's going be beautiful. You feel that it's special.The scene itself is this very vulnerable, very honest declaration of his love and knowing that he doesn't have what she wants, but also stating what he's desperate for. It's just very raw, and so it's very painful. But as an actor, when you try to call from your own personal experiences, there's plenty of things in life that I could call to, to feel that level of vulnerability, feeling just totally exposed and honest with your heart in your hand - and it usually leads to tears [laughs].

The fact that it was shot on 35mm also raises the stakes in terms of how many takes you can do.

Absolutely! That's part of the romance of making movies. I like the fact that there is a finite amount of film. I like watching mags of film being switched out of the camera. I like checking the gate. I like all that stuff. I like things dipping in and out of soft focus and not being able to fix it in post. That's the art of it.

What distinguishes Materialists from other romantic films? Celine Song's writing seems to tap into a different perspective on love, one could say more grounded.

Most rom-coms have this very idealized version of love, which is fun. It's great for escapism, but it doesn't always reflect real life. And this movie has a much more realistic, grounded, slightly less naive interpretation of what love is as something that's far more relatable to the modern viewer. The landscape of love today is really tough. A lot of the social norms that used to keep marriages together have been deconstructed. Now it's predicated purely on compatibility, and that can very easily devolve into an algorithm as opposed to matters of the heart.

Lucy says early on that love is easy, but dating is difficult. That seems to synthesize the film's theme.

Couldn't have said it better. Love is your heart. It's clear. It's binary. Dating is when the math comes in, dating is when it becomes a calculation. Dating is your mind, dating is pragmatism, and trying to reconcile the needs of your mind and the wants of your heart is messy.

Later this summer you also star in the Ethan Coen thriller Honey Don't! Is this a shift in gears in your career?

I hope so. It's just working with good filmmakers. As long as I've been doing this, it always comes back to the filmmaker. There are always a hundred reasons to do a movie. Sometimes it's great a role. Sometimes it's a really funny script or an amazing director, a great producer. But sometimes you try to squint to make a movie make sense and check enough boxes to make sense. The only box that matters is the filmmaker. It really comes down to the director, and that's really all I'm pursuing these days.

And if I like their work, then I'm in.

You directed your own romantic dramedy, Before We Go, a decade ago. Is this a genre you particularly enjoy, or were there other reasons to tackle it in your first feature as a director?

At that time, I wanted to direct, but I also was thinking from a very pragmatic perspective: I needed to learn. I had never been to film school. I was veering into a lane that I had no experience in. So I just felt like I owed the title of director a little more respect than to jump in and try and do something that I knew I might not be able to handle. The piece itself is a very contained script: two people, New York City, all-night shoots, felt very manageable to me. I did love the topic, but there was a more pragmatic motivation behind it as well.

Is directing something you want to try again?

It really is, but the tricky thing is I have about a hundred other things that I'm also interested in. I'm slightly fickle. Some days I'll wake up and I want to direct, but then some days I wake up and I want to go learn carpentry. [Laughs.] Honestly, it's about the movies I see. When I see an incredible movie that really inspires me, it completely pulls my focus back. But if I step away from actually going to see films, my interests drift.

It would be interesting to see what you would do behind the camera now, 10 years after that first attempt and after the experience of working with directors like Celine.

I would do it very differently. Oh, my gosh. When you look back, you just realize how much of the movie was done in a defensive posture. You have a movie you see in your head, but you almost don't have the courage or poetry of language or just knowledge of the medium to convey what you want it to be. You end up sometimes out of just simple fear, intimidation, letting things settle to a familiar, recognizable place.

I probably would take a lot more risk or be a lot more confident in what I wanted to see happen. But part of the reason that diving back in is so intimidating is because you know that it would have to be that the second time. You can't do the same thing if you're going to do it again. It's such a demanding thing. You give so much of your life: the prep, the filming, the post. To do it again but not do it properly would be a disservice to myself, my time. And that's a little intimidating.

What would you say is the defining quality of Celine Song as a filmmaker or what you found most memorable about your work with her in creating John?

Conviction. She knows exactly what she wants. I've worked with a lot of directors that have an idea, and they're very passionate, but they're more than happy to collaborate, massage, meet in the middle, find, make it this kind of, "Well, you bring this, and I'll bring this." And not to say that Celine is not a collaborator, but she's also very confident in her reasons. There's not a word that she writes that's filler; everything is on purpose. And it takes a minute to understand that, but once you find that trust, that confidence, and you start to say, "OK, I'm going to let go a little bit and let you take the wheel completely. If you say jump, I'm just going to say how high." She's two for two now, in my opinion.

X

[bitterbutblue]

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────

giggling evilly to myself etc etc ok everyone go listen to silver springs

set in actor!reader x idol!robin au.. yes this is going in THAT direction

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────

There is a shot taken from one of the Penaconian Film awards that still lingers as a haunting reminder of what love can really be like. It was for the final season of Dream On, Watchmaker. Himeko goes on stage to claim an award for best acting, she is beaming, tears in her eyes as she thanks everyone who has supported her. Her eyes land on something, or someone, and she freezes for just a microsecond but composes herself again. The shot then switches over to show Kafka, sitting elegantly as always, but her face is unreadable. She smiles, a full and warm smile, and it just screams 'I am so proud of you'. But her eyes aren't able to reflect that, because her eyes show nothing. They look blank, as if trying to block her from remembering something, or someone.

This shot was aired on live TV, about six months after Kafka and Himeko announced their breakup. And to say it broke the internet would be an understatement. The amount of edits of Kafka and Himeko that circled around for the next two weeks was enough for Himeko to deactivate all social media because she couldn't handle it. Truly they were never meant to be, a famous actor who revels in openly expressing who she is, and a violinist who can only express who she is through the bowing her violin on a stage. People say they were the perfect example of 'right person, wrong time', but they were never going to be right for each other. Yet it is undeniable despite being imperfect, they still loved each other.

So it is only natural that people began worrying when, during the premier of your biggest film yet, you and Robin suddenly seemed to grow distant.

"Hey, you there?" Seele nudged you gently

You snapped out of your dazed state, looking up at your personal trainer before you stood up with a nod.

"Yeah, just lost in thought." You smiled, but she clicks her tongue in a disapproving way. She doesn't poke or prod, and you really like that about Seele.

"You ready?"

You nodded again, sliding yourself under the bench and taking the barbell in your hands. The heft of the bar felt nice, and it distracted you from what you were scared to think about. Each push of the bar upwards took effort, effort that could have been spent thinking about something not worth thinking about.

"Do you even love me?"

"Why would you even begin to question that? Have I not shown you anything but love, have I not-"

"Don't start with that when you know you haven't."

"What? Do you know how hard it is to love you, do you know how much I put into this?"

"Come on, one more-"

You gasped, straining with all your might to push the bar back up and to rerack it again. It hurt, you felt all your muscles locked in place and you were convinced the bar would not move up but you kept going. Feet planted on the ground, you arched your back slightly, pushing up with all your might and slowly it began to move. Seele smiled, satisfied, as you reracked the weight with a loud sigh.

"Nice. That's a new volume PR." She typed something down in her phone as you grabbed your water bottle, taking a long swig.

"Nice." was all you could echo back.

During the red carpet of your biggest movie yet, you found yourself staring at a text on your phone that you had left on read for the past three days. Your eyes scan the text over and over again, trying to make sense of what can only be described as absolutely horrific news.

-- I'll be at the premier today, please let us be civil. I do not want to draw attention, and neither do you. --

And you can never help yourself but to also look at the text above that.

-- I'll always love you. --

It is so unfair. You put your phone down, almost unable to hold it with how badly your hands are shaking.

"You okay?" Firefly asks quietly, sitting down at the make up chair next to you. She is decked out in this beautiful silver gown with fiery orange-red streaks running through it. It is a colour scheme that should not work but matches her so well, and she looks stunning. You two got close over the course of filming, but it doesn't feel the same as what you had with Stelle. And you really need Stelle right about now.

"Yeah." You let out a breath you didn't realise you had been holding in, leaning back in your chair as they do some last minute touches on your make up.

Firefly doesn't say anything, picking at bits of her dress instead. She knows that you're not worried about the premier, and it isn't that. It is the artist that will show up. Nobody has told you, and they spent hours behind the scenes arguing about if they should when you had already known from the start.

"It's only a few hours."

"Yeah."

Seele had shot you a text congratulating you on your hard work. Your stunt coordinator messaged you saying you should be proud. A new notification pops up as Stelle texts you saying she wishes she could be there. All you can focus on is the pinned person and the text they sent.

"Do you think we can work through this?"

"Of course, we always have."

"I'm sorry for what I said, I really really didn't mean it."

"I know baby. I know."

When you stepped onto the red carpet, it took everything in you to not shield your eyes from the bright flashing lights from a camera as you walked to an empty spot. At this point, this is all second nature. You sort of turn off your brain, shooting practiced smiles and posing for cameras. You move on auto pilot, your brain not registering anything or anyone until you feel someone come up next to you. For a second, you let yourself stay curious about who it is, even though you already know. You let yourself dream that it is someone else, even though you already know.

"Come on, they're all over there." Firefly takes your hand, leading you to the rest of the cast.

Boothill wraps an arm around you, pulling you in close with a booming laugh.

"C'mon now, can't have you look so down when it's the premiere of your film, eh?" He says with his typical snarky grin, but you can see the worry behind his eyes. He has never been good at expressing his emotions, but he is trying now. He is trying for you, because he cares for you.

"Sorry, sorry." You say with a laugh "Something just came up right before."

A concerned glint flashes in his eyes for just a second as his smile dropped slightly, but he quickly composes himself again to slap you on the back.

"Well, we can sort it out after, okay, baby?"

You just nod, leaning into his touch because you can't cry now.

"I wanna get out of here."

"It's late-"

"Please?"

"Fine. Meet me outside in ten."

"I love you."

When a loud cheer suddenly comes from one end of the red carpet, you know who has stepped on. When cameras suddenly started flashing much more frequently, and girls started screaming, you know who has stepped on. The cast dissipates to talk to interviewers, and Firefly keeps her hand on your waist.

"Don't look in that direction." She gives you a slight nudge, leading you to talk to Topaz for another interview. But you couldn't stop yourself. You glance over your shoulder, and everything stops because she is looking at you too. This lasted maybe a second, maybe half a second. Your eyes meet through the sea of people and instead of being surprised, her eyes lose its sparkle. A dimming light, an extinguished flame. It crushes you. You look away as fast as you can, barely sparing her a second glance as you put on another smile for Topaz but you are starting to feel the exhaustion catch up to you.

Topaz asks you some pretty general questions about filming, about your cast mates, about how you feel about the project. One thing you appreciate about her is that she never pries, and never tries to. She waits for you to naturally open up, and if you don't, she will leave it at that. It is like conversing with a friend, it is simple and a change of pace from all the others who just want to know what is going on between you and her.

You think nobody caught that interaction, but everybody did. It went viral on the internet and speculations flew around. You and Robin never actually explicitly stated you were dating, but with the way you guys always hung out and always live streamed together, people began assuming. Two good friends, really good friends, really good friends who became more than just friends.

Who now become strangers.

Two years later, you find yourself at the 50th Penaconian Film awards, nominated for best supporting actress in a film that you had dedicated so much of your time and energy for. Two years later, you still find yourself unable to open your heart up like you once did. Robin stands on stage, announcing the winner for best supporting actress and for once you were praying that you would lose this because you did not want to stand on stage. You did not want to stand on stage and have to act like the woman you once knew everything about is only a stranger presenting an award to you.

This clip would break the internet. It’s the whole Kafka and Himeko situation again, but even worse. Because this time, you stand on stage, accepting an award while she stands in the back, beaming at you with tears threatening to fall because she is so proud of you but she can't tell you that. Instead, she said "Congratulations, you should be proud of yourself." She wants to hug you, she wants to hold you and sob and tell her how proud she is and how she wishes you two could rewrite your narrative. Instead, she says 'congratulations'.

The award is heavy in your hands, weighing you down because you can feel her eyes on the back of your head. The award she handed you is now pulling you down, and you stumble through your rehearsed speech that you hope the woman you loved can catch is dedicated to still loving her. But she doesn't act on it.

Your paths met briefly, a cute celebrity infatuation, and you both had to watch in horror as the path diverged once more. You, now left with the shadow of a woman you loved. Her, left with the scar of an irreplaceable love.

Five years later, you two would meet again at another stupid formal event. You would have just announced your engagement to Firefly, and Robin announced her upcoming album after winning a pretty big award for her previous one. You would catch her eye from across the room, but this time you don't look away. You smile at her this time, and she smiles back. Yet both of your smiles are forced to an extent, because you wish the smile would mean something more. She comes up to you to make small talk, and you reciprocate. You dance around what is unspoken, taking her hand in a complicated tango for two. You talk about your engagement, her album, your recent films, her boyfriend. It goes on. But you see the regret in her eyes, and she sees the regret in yours.

"Do you think things would be different if we met when we were more mature?"

The question will come out of nowhere, knocking the air out of your lungs. You had questioned that yourself during many sleepless nights, wondering if she questioned the same. You will have your answer.

"I do."

She looks away, a pained expression on her face. She is not an actor, you are. She is a singer, music designed to reach even the deepest parts of you.

"I wish- I wish we could start over."

You shake your head at that, fidgeting with the engagement ring on your left hand.

"It was seven years ago." Is all you could say.

She nods, looking down.

"I know."

When she performs later that night, she looks at you the entire performance. She sings with underlying anger, she sings with remorse and regret and TikTok would call this 'the new silver springs 1997'. The sound of her voice, the pain on her face. The offering she wants you to hold up, but you are too scared to. The fear of having made a mistake, committed to the wrong person. It all comes back to your first love. Maybe the only one who would ever truly love you.

"Do you think we would be the power couple of the century?"

"Probably, yeah. I mean, we would have a Penaconian Film best actress winner, and a hit global sensation singer. We would be THE couple."

"Only if you choose to stay with me."

"Why would I ever leave you?"

You would to cry yourself that night, sobbing in the bathroom as Firefly sleeps on the shared bed outside. You would put your hand to your mouth, stifling your sobs because being wracked with both guilt and regret simultaneously is a horrifying feeling. One you never wish to experience ever again. You live one life, and you made the wrong choice.

Robin would be silent, sitting on the floor of her mansion meant for many but now only houses her. She sits on the marbled floor with her knees pulled to her chest and eyes unfocused. She fidgets with the ring on her ring finger, the one you gave her when you were still friends falling in love. She wonders if you regret giving the ring to Firefly.

Even years later, the relationship between you and Robin would be deemed as the ultimate 'right person, wrong time'. And if having to grieve it alone wasn't enough, having the entire internet point it out all the time made it worse. Because as much as you want to deny it, you really did wish you didn't have to zone out every time her songs came on the radio. You wish you didn't spend nights staying up with your wife next to you but still scrolling through the Instagram post of a woman you loved when you were young and didn't know how to love. Time kept flowing, and you were a metal pole ground in place by regret.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

[deathdetermineslife]

art history selfship playlist analysis 🥀📜

did you ever wanna know why the songs on my selfship playlist are on there ? no ? great ! here's the explanation for the (current) 163 songs! and here is my selfship playlist, if you wish to save it <3

I hope you enjoy !

note; I will skip a few bc . they're freaky and I'm not freaky on this blog. also , this is only 30/163, so there's gonna be multiple posts of this nature :) ! I dunno how many I'm skipping . well find out once I'm done .

televangelism - ethel cain

a fitting first song for the playlist, I think. it's about death, dying, and the ascension to heaven. it's a very beautiful melancholic instrumental that I think encompasses our relationship remarkably well, being that we both have an intense connection to death and the afterlife.

we'll never have sex - leith ross

"if I said you could never touch me, you'd come over and say I looked lovely."

self explanatory me thinks. this was also my top song on Spotify for the last three fucking years. quite unwell about it !!! being loved not for what you can provide but what you are. who you are. being loved to love and not to want.

a glimpse of heaven, or wherever you are - flatsound

another really beautiful instrumental song that feels like the desolate emptiness of grief. letting yourself feel, for a moment, a glimpse of whatever heaven you want to believe exists. very uh ,,, me and him if I do say so myself .

august underground - ethel cain

there's a shit ton of instrumentals on here . uh this song is about being murdered. kiyo kills people . yea that's why . also it reminds me vaguely of his execution .

being loved isn't the same as being understood - vines

guess what . instrumental . AGAIN . this one is just very sad. yearnful . cool summer nights and a realization you love someone too much. do they love you? do you want them too?

a dream - flatsound

deliberately placed these songs next to each other because this also feels like a cool summer night, but now with happiness in your heart instead of dread and deep, devastating yearning. also instrumental.

chapel - nicole dollanganger

"I can be good, I can be true. you know I don't love anyone, but I love you."

wow this one has lyrics !!!! uh not much to this other than I think it's really beautiful and haunting and sad. there's a good handful of Nicole Dollanganger and Ethel Cain songs on this playlist if you haven't noticed.

join me in death - him

"won't you die tonight for love? baby, join me in death."

lots of themes of death! i dunno I would die for this man . with this man . won't you die tonight for love ??????? !!!!!!! fun fact. my ex gf (wow I had an ex gf that's crazy) showed me this song and said it was us and now it's me and Kiyo's song . yay !!!!

life fades to a funeral - carnifex

beautiful acoustic instrumental , title speaks for itself. life fades to a funeral . fun tid bit, I also found this song via my ex from a kiyo playlist she sent me which is fucking LOST TO TIME AND IT WAS SO GOOD. I've been on the hunt for it ever since. fuck .

when you sleep - my bloody valentine (cover by mira)

"when I look at you, oh, I dunno what's real."

I have an affinity for sad songs that aren't supposed to be romantic that I interpret as such being on this playlist . I have a vision no one else does .

take me back to eden - sleep token

"and I don't know what's got it's teeth in me, but I'm about to bite back in anger. no amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence."

there's a lot of talk of death in this song as well, and also, this lyric in particular hits close to home for me and I relate it to Kiyo as well. it's one of my favorite songs of all time . everytime I see sleep token hatred I get a little irked bc take me back to eden is such a pretty song in my opinion . I also wrote a poem inspired by it once !

lover, you should've come over - jeff buckley

"all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter. it's never over. she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."

change these pronouns to he/him and this is how I feel about Kiyo. honestly this whole song fuckin devastates me and makes me feel extremely yearnful and it fucks me up silly style .

mean - nicole dollanganger

"there's nothing you could do to me I wouldn't do to myself."

this song is very dark and sad but I personally interpret it as saying, if you're afraid of hurting me, you can't . again that's not the meaning at ALL but that's how I've always seen it . for some . reason ? now it's on tha playlist :P

symphonia ix - grimes (cover by current joys)

"so as you fade away alive, I lay dying. oh, I would say yes."

death ??! on MY art history playlist ??? yea lawl ofc . I would give my life for this man . that is All thank You.

i bet on losing dogs - mitski

"I bet on losing dogs. I know they're losing, and I pay for my place by the ring, where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down. I'll be there on their side. I'm losing by their side."

self explanatory. am I the losing dog or is he? who's betting on who ? someone to watch me die.

come - adrianne lenker

"take my life into your life."

is there any fucking happiness in art history city ?!?!?!? no. come help me die. who's dying ?!?!? good question man he dies in canon . I die, effectively, emotionally, when he does. we're just two people who bonded over grief and then suffer with the devastation of the others loss. funny how that happens . hey man thanks for loving me and showing me how to view death in a different way and help me heal from the people I've lost. oh, you're gonna die too ? oh . uh . uhm . uh . uh . uh . u—

sun bleached flies - ethel cain

"if it's meant to be, then it will be. I forgive it all as it comes back to me."

ANOTHER long about dying ??? looking back on your life after you've reached heaven ??? oh goodness me ! for many, many, many reasons I will refuse to get into, this line means a lot to me. and by proxy I project that into Kiyo. but in context of us as a couple, if it's meant to be be then it will be. not much else to say . I have so many lyrics I could nab from this song that really resonate with me and kiyo, but they especially hurts me deeply and I think is the most important to me for how I interpret the song. honestly u should just listen to it bc it's really good .

in the end I always knew no one was coming to save me. do with that lyric as you will. also; I can't let go when something's broken, it's all I know, and it's all I want now.

we haven't spoken in years, but knowing you felt like a dream - flatsound

break from the songs with lyrics. this one feels like ? sort of the outro to a movie. knowing you felt like a dream . very pretty acoustic instrumental.

emotional anorexic - svavar knutur

"babe, don't be afraid. you know I love you will all of my heart. please listen to me, don't let those wicked thoughts test us apart."

this song is shockingly unpopular and I think it's very beautiful and extremely important to me. and sad. hence the lyric I chose ! this goes for both of us . the song talks about someone who's seemingly, to the narrator, so much greater than themselves. we jus 2 brocken souls <\3

to see you alive - flatsound

"when you stepped into the light, I saw it running down your thighs and thought, 'what a beautiful sight, to see you alive.'"

this song is just very beautiful. can u tell I like flatsound ? what a beautiful sight, to see you alive. this is how I feel about him. how I would hope he feels about me, too. it's just very lovely and intimate and feels like a sunset and a warm hug.

carry me out - mitski

"and I say your name in hopes you hear it from the stars."

I interpret this song to be yearning for a lover who died. WHO WOULDVE GUESSED. mainly bc the lyric above but also just the rest of it. carry me out, to somewhere better, somewhere with you. I dunno I'm probably . thinking too much into things LAWL.

waking up early to leave this place - flatsound

flatsound makes a lotta good instrumentals . n e wayz , just soft pretty instrumental . reminds me of a soft early morning with him.

is it really you - sleep token

"caught in the ebb and flow. I'm bleeding out now, you know."

lachlan has 839277292 songs on here about dying wow so crazy anyways uh . u know them emo anime amvs where the anime girl is dying in front of anime boy and it's so sad wow okay imagine that's me and kiyo . that's all .

as the world caves in - matt maltese

"I pull your arms right in, I weep and say goodnight love, as our organs pack it in."

there is no happiness in art history anyways . same premise as before just we die Together. y'all must think I'm fuckin unwell . /lh

feb 03, 2012 - flatsound

sadness instrumental again ??? it feels so empty and desolate. again something I associate heavily with grief and the aftermath of such.

wish - sign crushes motorist

"wish you were here."

y'all probably tired of my shit by now . this song has four (count em, four) lines of lyrics and this is two of them . me when sad song not about love and be turned into love and death

forwards beckon rebound - adrianne lenker

"villain and violent, infant and innocent, baby, both arms cradle you now."

IF ONLY I WAS THERE . I couldve saved him . :( I could've . PUT ME IN THERE !!!!!

bernadette - iamx

"life and death will always lead you into love and regret."

this song is just so us all around it makes me kinda unwell ngl . most iamx songs remind me of kiyo too actually . yayayaya !!! just complete and utter devotion to someone .

memoir #02 - maria pseftoga

you've probably heard this song on a sad tiktok slideshow . it just sounds like what it feels to be in mourning. you know that phase where you're just always crying and can't stop and you can't figure out why because you don't feel sad you just feel distant and far away from yourself ? yea .

for sure - american football (ethel cain cover)

"imagine us together."

this song is just so soft and pretty and fucks me up crazy style because of just how like. I dunno, pretty is it ? I can't explain it. it just feels so gentle . and that reminds me of him.

—

MAN THIS AINT EVEN A PORTION . THIS IS A SMALL HANDFUL . MAN . we gonna be at this for a while . okay hope u like bye bye now !

[crow-caller]

Its crazy how not only did no one know i was autistic for a long time, i definitely didnt realize my mother was. when I told her I was, she went 'you know, I think i might be too!'. Meanwhile all my friends who met my mother were like 'hey your mum is autistic af'

Anyway I see it now esp bc she texts me with no awareness of how one typically separates or approaches topics, which is to say she sent this today,

I guess it slipped her mind to remind me yesterday!!

This post might be more a long lead in to say 'wow my papa's been dead for 20 years jfc'. And you know what? He was autistic af too. My dad's favourite movie was The Producers, because his favourite Broadway show was the Producers. He loved it so much, and would always make us watch his favourite things with that promise: YOU'LL LOVE IT!

Now. The Producers is not a movie appropriate for young children, at the very least because it is difficult to understand satire (heavily nazi based) as a young child. I saw it many times. He went to the Broadway show multiple times over the years and took my sister at least once, around age... 11? I don't think at any point he was concerned it was too mature or difficult, he just really, really loved it and wanted more than anything to share that

It's a trait i recognize so much in myself. When I love something or somewhere, I want to introduce it to everyone I like, so they can like it too.

I was newly 8 when he died, and he was ill a long while before then. Much of my memory is missing or reconstructed. I'm not grieving him still, I'm always still sad for the potential of what might have been. And I'm melancholy enough to post about it a little. Thanks x

[404daydreams]

And I'll always will! Shine bright like a crazy diamond.

I am everything that I wanted from someone else, even more. I'm in a relatonship with my soul, exact truly the way I loved people - and I will never abandon him ever again. I can't even fathom of hurting myself to keep someone warm. I'm not rushing anything, my career and passion are the most important. There is a woman at my workplace who seems quite beautiful and interesting. We haven't spoken yet but we do make eye contacts all of those 8-9 hours, like a sparkling way of meeting eyes. If I catch her looking at me, she flinches and when she stares at me then I flinch, Its just a cute little moment of "I didn't look at you."

No rushing, I am becoming the garden where butterflies will come, I don't chase, but attract. Due to the flying monkey situation, I keep minding my own business, but I have an interesting group of people around me now - except those flying monkeys.

When the right one will come, it will all make sense. Enough of the days where I am sad about someone else's action. I admitted that they never deserved me anyways, its nice that they showed me their true colors before I was stepping into a marriage with them.

Life's been treating me good, finally. I am not the kind of a person who would harm his self-respect but my love, those intense emotions made me do lose it, but I lost it to a wrong person. The kind of begging in writings I have done, is not the kind of a person I am. They're free, and its a choice they made to never speak to me, or see me again. Now I don't care, because I did too much and it all drifted in the abyss where I was standing but after it passed I live with an adbundance mindset.

Who wants to be with me, they will. I'm no more questioning that why everyone and why not me? - It's a choice. Period! They can live with their choice and I'll live with mine, and I am relentlessly doing it.

Not jealous, not miserable. Just slowly fixing every part of me that people intentionally damaged. I am no more crying on why they did this? Because this is who they are and they never loved me. They just love the attention, if they really loved me - everything that they do, wouldn't be executing.

I'm happy and grateful with what I have. And I look forward in life. I deserve the world in love, and until there's a person who is willing to genuinely, I'm single focusing on my work and my music.

If someone didn't love me, or value me, or compared me physically is no more my pain to carry. I'm not insecure, I am safe withing my skin and people hate it. Well, haters are motivators. People who compared my physical aspects or spoke shit about me, behind my back should remind themselves of who they were and how they were before any skin treatment, yet I loved them with all I had, until I was forced to leave, tried reconciling, only served silence.

This just shows how they are self-absorbed and refuse to acknowledge on how I have stood up for them, in any circumstance and I played my part well except a couple of horrible mistakes that i even apologized for, and I never received anything.

This kind of silence is stonewalling, another psychological abuse to keep their victims hanging on a thread of hope to get their fix and that never happens, cut the cord, fly down, break a couple of bones and make a massive comeback.

In love - you just don't disappear, you don't plot things against them so your personal vendetta can be fulfilled. In love you don't let your body being a brothel, you don't fuck around.

Some simple truths I've been ignoring, but when the acceptance happened, it took me a while to digest it.

They never loved menand accepting the fact is making me shine like a crazy diamond.

A journal entry, 14th June 2025, 11:07 AM.

[rameiixo]

animation exercise with ayase !

[bixels]

Taking the current topic as an excuse to ask you to tell me all the reasons you love Rarijack. Your art for the ship is so sweet and intimate I'd love to hear any in depth thoughts you have.

Breathes in.

I think what makes their dynamic really strong is that they have opposing personalities but aligned values. It's deeper than just "opposites attract." Rarity's fancy, prissy, and femme while Applejack's modest, rough, and "masculine." But both value hard work (to the point of being workaholics), their families (both have guardianship over their little sisters), running successful businesses, and eventually each other. Their relationship can be boiled down to, "Despite our differences/disagreements, I still like you because we value the same things."

We see their relationship develop so much. In the first season, they can't stop bickering about surface-level differences. By season four, they still bicker, but will mend their relationship because they can't help but do nice things for each other. In Trade Ya, they start off arguing over personality differences (Applejack likes old junk and Rarity likes useless crap). Then they pivot and start arguing that they value their relationship more than the other. In the end, they mend things by sacrificing their needs and buying each other a gift. Even if they don't understand it, they know it'd make the other happy. And that's all that really matters. It's a genuinely sweet moment that shows how arguing can be healthy and necessary for relationships to strengthen.

We even see them dropping their hang-ups about each others' personalities. In Made in Manehattan, when Rarity runs off in dramatics about someone's fashion, AJ doesn't roll her eyes or scoff, she smiles. Oftentimes, their conflicts are very common domestic conflicts romantic couples face. Applejack's Day Off is about a woman's inability to balance work and life and find time to properly spend with her partner, causing her partner to feel neglected.

By season seven, they're actively participating in each others' interests. Any problems or conflicts that arise are dealt with, and they come out the other end stronger and closer. In Honest Apple, AJ pretty much spells out why their relationship works so well: even though she doesn't understand fashion, she can recognize and appreciate how much work it takes and wants to respect that. When she realizes her mistake in the episode, AJ goes above and beyond to fix things and apologize to Rarity. They care about each other so much.

The two go out of their way, sacrificing their personal desires and beliefs and doing things they normally wouldn't, to make the other happy. That's just love.

There's Simple Ways, where AJ gets stuck in an unwanted love triangle between Rarity and her hipster crush. And her frustration and anger can be so easily interpreted as AJ finding herself in a terrible position; the girl she loves wants another man, and that man wants her.

I dunno. I've always had a preference for opposites attract ships, but Rarijack's stuck with me like a brain worm because they have the perfect chemistry. The way they show they care, or do things for each other, I've always read it as the truest representation of romance in the show.

[faunandfloraas]

im so glad im not the only person that looks at seungmin and goes "❓tism❓" bc he is Way Too Relatable to me as a person w autism

yeah..... like I say it in jest but also..... well, yk. sometimes you notice something and you notice something and you notice something and you go Hmmmm

[patheticpat]

Told my girlfriend if she could guess who Loop actually was I’d divulge who the people helping the cast in my au and she fucking IMMEDIATELY guessed Siffrin, fuck my inter life lmfao

[lambilegs]

GUYSSSSS LOOK AT THE CUP MY FRIEND BOUGHT ME WHEN WE WENT OUT THIS SHIT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM LIKEEEEEE

[xxplastic-cubexx]

friend kayla very delicately asked me today when i first started drawing yaoi and i had to reflect on the fact it probably was avengers that started it all

[batfamfucker]

Appreciation post for 'girly girl' characters and/or shows that celebrate traditionally feminine things that girls and women are shamed for.

Characters on this list that love makeup, fashion, hair, etc. Characters that are still written as strong, intelligent, brave, etc. That told young girls that these interests are valid, they are not lesser interests. Being feminine and liking traditionally feminine things does not make them weak.

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

Amy Rose, I love you. You're just like me. They could never make me hate you 🫶🫶

[the-red-thread-that-strangles]

You know, I keep thinking about Entua and Vurai, and how Mask of Truth doesn't really... do much interesting stuff with them? Or rather, they don't really impact the plot much. It's a brief mirror of the end of MoD, and used to force Nekone to admit she thinks of Hakutor as her brother now/can't differentiate them anymore, but that arc comes out of nowhere and is quickly brushed aside again after Vurai is murdered again.

Under the cut, I propose an alternative timeline, that I find a little less wasteful (spoilers for Mask of Deception and Mask of Truth)

Vurai dies at the end of MoD. Arguably, there's something to the fact that Oshtor's sacrifice is ultimately in vain/only buys Hakutor a little bit of time to get better at the use of the Akuruka, but also by this time we have attempted to imprison/kill Vurai thrice. By the rule of threes, this time he should die.

His body is dashed upon hitting the cliff and the bottom of the river; but as in canon, he doesn't immediately die. Instead, his motionless form floats down the river, towards Uzurusha (geography is whack, but I believe we can make this happen). It also works if Vurai turns to salt and it's just his mask that floats down the river, but I think it is more satisfying if he is still alive because-

Vurai's body washes up close to where Gundhurua has retreated to. Gundhurua sees this almost dead man, and he has no mercy. He kills Vurai, and as a prize, takes the akuruka. He's not keen on using enemy technology, but he's seen what the mask can do, and he certainly has the willpower and desperation to use it.

(if we absolutely must it can even be Entua who found Vurai and took care of him for a day or two before she presented him as a potential ally to her homeland's owlo, so we can still have her weird romance/daddy issues with Vurai, but this step can also be skipped.)

Either way, Entua, when faced with criminal charges/general unrest in the Yamatan court, found her way back into her homeland, hoping to find her place again. She is, after all, a warrior of Uzurusha, and wishes to make her father proud.

When Gundhurua, akuruka in hand, asks her to be his informant, she has to pick between serving her homeland and the man her father died to protect, and betraying the trust of the people that were kind to her in her hour of need.

Ultimately, it isn't much of a choice at all. Gundhurua is a violent man, and she knows if she doesn't comply, she will be killed for insubordination.

And also she still wants the approval of some sort of strange, violent father(?)-figure. Is she happy? No. But this is all she can still do to honour her father's death, too. Serving the same man, until she, too, dies in the line of duty.

In order to avoid civilian casualties when Gundhurua sends an ambush upon Ennakamuy, Entua can suggest to lure out their figurehead "Oshtor" and kill him.

So we can still have the plot of Nekone getting kidnapped and doubting herself/not wanting Hakutor to come save her.

Gundhurua hasn't had the akuruka for long, so he's relatively weak/bad at using it, but still enough of a challenge to force Hakutor to use his own, especially as he's a violent fighter himself. He's also not almost-dead like Vurai, so the challenge level remains mostly the same for the fight.

As the kaiju-form of the mask is bound to the akuruka, Gundhurua still looks like Vurai, and still brings back the traumatic memories of Oshtors's death in Nekone and Hakutor.

It takes the party to arrive and help out to kill akuruturuka!Gundhurua. They're surprised to find the ghost that haunted them wasn't Vurai, but they have other problems (a grievously injured Hakutor) to deal with.

Entua makes a more active choice to steal the akuruka from the pile of salt that remains. She has seen nothing but violent men wearing this mask to hurt others, and therefore she decides it's best for everyone if it didn't exist. She sets off on a quest to destroy the akuruka, or, if that is not possible, hide it away.

This is the last we see of her. We don't know if she was successful; but at least she found a path she believed in.

It's not like this changes much in the story; Gundhurua dying off-screen is just such a waste of time, after keeping him alive post-invasion; and it's not like Vurai's repeat encounter added too much that his kaiju form could not provide as well (it's not like the party gained his akuruka or something). This way, Oshtor's sacrifice would have ultimately had more weight, too.

[hellamorte]

this is kinda hilarious but i spent so much time in dav so now when im playing dao i always have that pikachu face when encountering tranquils or templars gone mad from lyrium or shady mages ajsjshkajkakj what do you mean grey morality exists and the world is a complex and often a contradictory place

[reflectionsofgalaxies]

this is my little girl 💖

she’s running low on time with us, and my dad has been saying things along the lines of ‘this is why I don’t like pets’, because he finds the grieving process so hard.

I don’t fault him for that, he just feels loss deeply and deals with it differently.

sometimes I even find myself falling briefly into the same thinking. ‘what if making a different choice all those years ago saved me and my family from this grief and this pain?’

but I also know there’s no way I would make a different decision. no amount of grief could outweigh the joy she’s brought us over these last fifteen years. the laughter, the comfort, the connection.

I think about hikes with my dad when she was tiny and able bodied and would race up ahead of us on the trails and then race back to check on us. I think about the first time she saw snow and she instantly turned into a tiny fluffy bunny rabbit, hopping through drifts that were ankle deep for us but nearly buried her, and the matted snowballs she came away with, looking like a tiny curly haired yeti.

I think of her interrupting GrammE and John’s wedding along with Sagie, confusion turning into laughter as they sped after each other across the backyard ceremony. I think of my mom, lonely on the island and isolated during covid, telling me that Ginger was her saving grace.

and these don’t even scratch the surface. fifteen years of love she’s given us.

so yeah. losing her is going to damn near break me and I know that. but I wouldn’t change it for the world.