#i love being visibly trans because i love seeing hope in others

[pekkhum]

Are you trans yourself or is it just your daughter? :0

And in any case, how is her transition going so far?

Sending much love <3

I think this will be more fun to answer via story time and the long mode answer:

Around the time of my 37th birthday I started seeing a couple incredibly hilarious and relatable memes about being trans go by on my feed. They were just so great that I found myself seeking out more and learning to understand trans folk more and more. I kept wanting to comment and holding myself back, because, of course I'm not trans, I just feel all the things trans women feel all the time and have struggled with those feelings since I was very, very young. Still cis, though.

There was eventually a day when the dam broke and I admitted online that I am trans, but it was three days later, while reading about internalized transphobia, that it all hit home. I had myself a nice little fit about how I didn't want to be trans, not because it is bad, but because the world makes life suck for trans people. (Actually, 6 months before, in the most egg moment ever, I told a woman that I had been thinking about how hard life as a transgender lesbian would be and that it would be much easier to be a straight guy. I was wrong for reasons most trans folk can guess.)

That day, I sat my child down to explain that I've realized that I am very much trans, that I have resources she can read to understand what that all means, and that I would let her other parent know, so she had someone else to talk to if she wanted. (Thankfully, we are peacefully divorced, so that wasn't an issue.)

I later found out that my child had devoured those resources, stolen one of my skirts my work-mom gave me (she's so supportive) and tried on names, pronouns, and skirts. It was a month later that she greeted me in the morning in a skirt and informed me that she was certain her feelings weren't something else and I discovered that I have a daughter! 😊

I was in the process of trying to get HRT and my insurance changed, then my health network intentionally and willfully screwed me over and yanked my chain, because they didn't want to provide a referral (it turned out to be owned by the Catholic church, here in America), but didn't want to admit their bigotry. I was forced to change health networks and get a new primary and wait months for a new appointment for a referral and my daughter's needs were similarly delayed, but she was even further behind! I had just gotten HRT when I was laid off and left with no insurance. This means I'm on an incorrect dose and my daughter hasn't gotten hers.

To make matters worse, our ADHD has made sitting down for voice training or learning makeup (it is so overwhelming!) difficult for us and we've not found others willing and able to help with the latter. My daughter has gotten a lot of nice clothing from her mama (I'm mom, the ex is mama 🤷‍♀️), and she just looks so cute, but she hasn't felt brave enough to present at school or anything. I'm hoping a GSA in college will help, but I'm making sure not to push her. She's still figuring out her personal vibe, but it seems to lean toward her mama's style, instead of my tastes, with just a few exceptions. Whatever she goes with, I'm proud beyond belief!

I joined a writer's group and only ever introduced myself under my unmistakably femme chosen name and everyone was cool with my very unfemme appearing dysphoria hoodie wearing self. I am grateful beyond belief. The dose may be too low, but the HRT has been very much working. Unfortunately, even freshly shaved with a straight razor, my beard is forever visible (I'm told a little blush or color corrector can hide that, but keep looking horrible when I try), but thanks to HRT, I at least saw a woman with a beard shadow, when last I walked into the bathroom. (Also, I fill out my sundress more, now!)

With family and friends, we are fully socially transitioned, though, and I am grateful, every day, for those we've been able to keep. It wasn't all, but it seems I'd already cut the problems, in advance. Also, we can both wear whatever around the house, so we dress for ourselves, at least.

We dressed up extra for our first Pride parade, though! I won't have a ton of opportunities to wear that rainbow skirt, but I love it greatly!

We are early in transition, with lots of problems yet to solve, but we are so much happier, so far. I'm finally alive and she finally cares about who she will be! We're also so much closer now and have opened up a lot more to each other. I adore my daughter and I'm so glad to be her mom! 💖🥲

[mackerelllll]

from @/vero_muerte on tiktok, PLEASE look up the original video!!!

found this video at <2000 likes and i NEED more people to see this because. yeah.

[mohsincpa23]

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[mohsincpa20]

HIRING! HIRING!! HIRING!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸 FedEX work-from-home job opportunity. 8 am - 4 pm or 9 am - 5 pm and tallied. It’s a total of 40 hours of work weekly, Workdays are Mondays - Fridays, 8hrs daily. ❤️

The Positions Available: Are Accounting Payroll Clerk,Receptionist, Coading Assistant, Executive Administrative Assistant, Book Keeping, Customer Service, Data Entry, Administrators, Secretary, Office Clerk, Receptionist, Call Center rep, Medical Biller, HEALTH CARE MANAGEMENT, Medical Officer. (Full Time/ Part Time). **** —— (Experience is not needed to qualify). 1-week training immediately after the equipments are delivered. Requirements: All materials needed will be supplied by the company Location: remote NOTE: Applicants must be 18 years and above. Starting “bonus” available for a starting. Interested people Here are all details. ↪️ If you are interested Click Here..

[vincentbriggs]

YOU'RE TRANS ????????

sorry mate you're just. you're so cool & as a little baby history autist i really look up to you as one of the only men i see in the. is scene the right word. and i've been following you since 2021? 22? and i love your work and i had no idea and i'm trans too and idk it feels hard to see a future sometimes but here you are ?? doing with your life exactly what i hope to do with mine ?? and idk i may have cried a bit anyways happy tdov <3

Sure am!! Started transitioning in late 2016! Hello and happy TDOV! and thank you!!

Here's a picture I posted last year of just how very much that jacket in the post I reblogged today does not fit me any more. (Age 18 vs 28) I can't even get both shoulders into it, and that's after having chest material removed.

None of my older waistcoats fit either, because my posture straightened up a ridiculous amount, and my ribcage definitely got bigger. (Which gradually happened over more than a year, so to anyone reading this who's planning on top surgery - don't make any super elaborate heavily embroidered waistcoats until at least a year after, or it will probably get too narrow in front! I've donated nearly all my pre-2018 waistcoats and coats to a local theatre!)

I ought to mention being trans more often so more people can go "same hat!", and I should also try to remember to make sure my pin cushion is visible in my sewing videos sometimes.

Also! I think having a rounder face and wider hips makes me better suited to early 18th century looks.

And late 17th if I get around to sewing some stuff from then. And the 1820's-40's, the men in fashion plates around that time were VERY hourglass shaped. And probably other periods too, the modern ideal of broad shouldered square jawed dudebros looks rather strange in a lot of historical eras!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

okay okay rapid fire spider-verse thots fresh out of the theater, trying to minimize spoilers but jesus

da Vinci-looking Vulture... very cool

the art on Gwen's earth in general is SO cool

in general the animators were just SHAMELESSLY showing off with this one and it rules so hard

Rio Morales animated milf of all time

truly do not understand what all of you see in Miguel tbh that man suuuuuucks!! kill!!

Peter B is also on my shit list tbh. Gwen going along with this is understandable, she's literally a homeless teenager in a bad position to fight against adult spiders making decisions, but Peter... come on dude...

truly they HAD to leave Pav out of the middle of the movie because he would have sided with Miles (you think he would want Inspector Singh to die!! fuck no!!) and he's perfect so he would have just effortlessly swept the floor with every other spider-person

Gwen is flirtatiously trans coded and responds to Spider-Man at least once, congrats to her on the fun gender

Jessica's design is so cool but they made her such a cop... god I hope she's coming around in the next movie

cannot wait to see gifs of this movie slowing down every frame to point out every individual background spider-person

the fucking. the family of it all. Miles' parents afraid to let him grow up and Gwen's dad unable to accept the truth about his daughter and Miguel trying to raise a daughter who wasn't supposed to be his and Peter B's baby girl and Jessica Drew's visible baby bump and the spiders' collective miserable certainty that they are DEFINED by the trauma of losing someone they love.

something something Miles' parents and the spider society have the same problem - being afraid of change from what they thought was The Right Way To Do Things - but Miles' parents love and trust him to make the right choices beyond their understanding while Miguel and the other spiders are too hurt by their own traumas to imagine someone else thriving without it

also fuck all of them the boy's uncle died in front of him after trying to kill him HAS HE NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH

Hobie's soooo annoying (affectionate) but also right about, like, literally everything AND good with babies to boot

the whole ending is so ‼️‼️‼️‼️

the thing with Miles and Uncle Aaron at the end... you know the thing... DELICIOUS au right there tell me everything about that shit

the fucking end man

I've NEVER been in a theater where everyone collectively screamed @ the end of a movie fuck fuck fuck. there's cliffhangers and then there's THIS

[befemininenow]

My coming out as a trans lesbian. (A message to my followers.)

Yes, everyone. I am "gay", or should I say, I'm a lesbian.

This may come as a shock to some of you since I would talk about "hot men" and even make captions about attracting hunks and whatnot. If you notice an absurd amount of those kind of captions surfacing this past week until now, that's because I was dealing with comphet, short for compulsive heterosexuality. In reality, I do not like men nor am I attracted to masculinity.

Why until now? One, it’s because I wanted to wait for the right time to come out and it was coincidentally on Lesbian Visibility Day. Two, it’s something I've been questioning ever since I found out I was trans. This didn’t happen in a day or two. It’s been years and I would have thought I was just pansexual. However, I was not sure whether I genuinely liked boys or if I just liked their validation. It turns out it's only the latter and I was questioning whether I was really gay or just gynosexual. I admit that getting positive reception from them turned me on and I could see the kindness and affection they displayed towards other women (something that really made me euphoric). But the moment you would place me next them for more, say, intimacy (I'm trying to keep it PG), I felt that spark turn off. Don't even get me started when they're bare or worse, send me D-picks (it's so nasty).

Now, I've never did any of that IRL. But, I've tried to interact with them through social sites. Not just in Tumblr, but in other sites like Grindr. If you ever think of creating a Grindr to meet, don't bother. It's hot garbage! All of them were chasers and not a single one was attractive. Only one "guy" seemed to be "cute"; it was a femboy, who was commencing their transition into a woman. Those were the only men I thought I was attracted to, but the reality is: I was only attracted to their femininity, but not their body or intimacy. Femboys are still men and I'm not attracted to men.

That got me questioning: Am I really only liking people for their femininity or do I genuinely only like girls? To make a long story short, I've never felt so much better than imagining myself being the lovely girl... of another girl! I always loved women as a guy, but now that I'm about to transition, being into women as a girl feels so right for me! No more comphet for me!

I know this is not the norm on these kind of blogs as the majority tend to be attracted to masculinity. However, I do want to say that even trans lesbians exist on the feminization scene. That leads me to tell all of you for the next update: You won't be seeing anymore new straight trans girl captions after the first few days of the next month. That's why you saw those kind of captions bombard my blog these past few days. It's just my way of saying "Let me just get it done with". I'm actually glad you enjoyed them, but I just don't feel any connection to those kind of captions anymore. I'll try to upload them when I can since I've been busier than usual.

Anyways, I'm happy you read this very long post. Even if you're not a lesbian, I hope this note at least gives you an insight on not keeping your true feelings locked any longer. Everyone deserves to be themselves. You should too.

Sincerely, Nikki.

[cardentist]

I need people to understand that the existence of transmisogyny does not mean that misogyny and transphobia can only intersect with each other in one way.

transphobic people don't see trans men as real men, they see trans men as women who are failing to perform womanhood correctly. and women who fail to perform womanhood correctly are punished by misogyny.

transphobes often use the image of the poor confused little girl being seduced by the trans menace to rip the agency away from these young trans mascs, to lean on this image of girls as frail, stupid, weak, and vulnerable. but the trans menace doing the seducing is Also trans men!

it's the scary women who fully embrace masculinity (or traits that are considered masculine by society) that are painted as a threat, as predators. think about the way society reacts to lesbians, visibly gnc lesbians especially but all sorts. it isn't with love and care as they Tenderly try to rescue them from the gay menace, that's for sure.

the image of the frail flower that needs to be protected is an Ideal. it's a call to action, and the action is against the Real People that are punished for defiling that image. some may hope to "fix" the lost women, but that's not gentle or kind or decoupled from real physical violence, and it shouldn't be portrayed that way.

trans men aren't Incidentally affected by misogyny, they are Intended Targets of misogyny. and this misogyny can and Does rear its head and intersect with transphobia in violent, demonizing, horrific ways.

this fact does not mean that trans women aren't Also intended targets of misogyny. it doesn't mean that nonbinary people of all sorts aren't Also intended targets of misogyny. making this point does not in any way detract from the severity or importance of what other trans people experience.

but the fact that I have to say that last paragraph because I know from experience, with complete certainty, that someone will accuse me of doing those things for this post is the point.

and I do mean "someone" and "people." because it's not trans women who are putting trans masc down and stripping them of their ability to talk about the bigotry they experience, it's transphobes. it is transphobia that leads people to silence trans mascs, to pit trans people against each other and Pretend like community is a limited resource when community is only all the stronger when everyone stands Together.

our understanding of how these oppressions work becomes stronger when all people are able to add their experiences with them to the table. to allow them to be complex and multifaceted

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

03/29/2024 Daily OFMD Recap

TLDR; Cast & Crew Sightings; David Jenkins; Rhys Darby; Taika/Rachel; Con O'neill; Will Arnett; Trans Day of Visibility; Cool Pirates; Fan Spotlight; Love Notes; Daily Darby/Tonight's Taika;

Hey lovelies, I'm late again, but I got some good sleep. I'm finding it's much easier to write love notes after I wake up so I'm debating how I wanna go about moving forward :) I'll keep you posted. Hope you have a good day <3

= David Jenkins =

Chaos Dad just poking his head out to weigh in on the milk debate. Src: @Soupbeech on twitter

= Rhys Darby =

Just a little sing along with our favorite captain.

The Edge Podcast: Apple / Spotify Source: EdgeAfternoons Instagram

= Taika Waititi =

Taika is spreading the word on Rachel House's new movie The Mountain! Src: Taika's IG

= Con O'Neill =

Con O'Neill just out in Dublin feeling cute. Src: Con's IG

= Will Arnet =

Will Arnett is just hanging with a few... Former Presidents of the United States?! SRC: Will Arnett's IG

= Samba Schutte =

== Trans Day of Visibility: Cool Pirates ==

#CoolPirates from the crew side: Jes Tom! @jesthekid 💛🤍💜🖤 🏳️‍⚧️ Instagram / Tumblr

== Fan Spotlight ==

Yes! And how could we forget, CHICKEN HAT MAN, Ted Barton! Thank you @melvisik!!

= Big Gay Energy Podcast =

Another reaction episode of Big Gay Energy Podcast is out!

== Love Notes ==

Can I just take a moment to tell you all how much you mean to me? I have been on the internet for a long time, since the olden days of AOL, Dial Up Internet, yelling at your family to get off the phone so you can log on, and when google image search had only like 3 pictures when you did a search on it (my first image search was Harrison Ford by the way).

And never in my many years of fandoms, and being online have I ever met such a wonderfully welcoming group of people. I spent a lot of years being anxious, and even now, when my confidence has grown, it was hard at first to want to just jump into the fandom. But you know what? I took a leap, and all you wonderful people just welcomed me, and every other person with open arms. You were kind, and supportive, and continue to be every single day.

I see so many folks mention that they were afraid to use tumblr or to engage and then some kind person in the fandom made them feel safe and welcome, and now we have another lovely, talented, kind, beautiful member of our crew.

This fandom really is second to none, and I want you to know just how much a positive impact on the world you have, because it's huge. And sure, we do some other cool stuff like raise money and things but like, on a day to day scale, you make people feel safe. Our crew gets to go throughout there day with a positive experience they didnt have prior... they can take that positivity and spread it to others because they might have one more spoon today because of all of you.

I just want you to know you make such a wonderful impact on this world, so if you're ever struggling and wondering where to go from here, poke your head back into this fandom and see all the love we have for you.

Hope you have a lovely day/night m'dears, get some rest this weekend <3

== Daily Darby / Tonight's Taika ==

Today's theme is Silly!

Darby gif courtesy of @thunderwingdoomslayer

Taika gift courtesy of @mxmollusca

[softhairedhotch]

If this is not something you’re comfortable with writing please ignore it.

The reader (trans man) coming out to Hotch, after a case that has caused their dysphoria to become worse. Whether it’s a victim who was trans or a bigoted unsub and it makes them visibly angry and upset to deal with.

Ideally it would have a happy ending but the rest can be as angsty or not as you would like.

thank you for the request, i really hope i did it justice <3 it didn't come out as angsty as i thought, it's pretty sweet tbf. it's not really what i wanted to do which this idea but i couldn't think of anything else and didn't wanna keep you waiting :')

aaron hotchner x trans male reader

after a case involving murdered trans kids and a transphobic cop, you come out as trans to aaron.

warnings/content: mentions of transphobia/hate crimes, feeling unloved and unworthy, deep conversations, coming out, love confessions and kissing

word count: 1.6k

also on ao3!

what about today?

“Agent.”

You paused, Aaron's soft voice surprising you. Taking a deep breath, you turned around and forced a smile. “Yes, Sir?”

Aaron's eyes swept over your features as he slightly tilted his head. He opened his mouth, struggled to make a sound, and closed it. “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn't I be?”

He sighed. “Sit down. Please.” You nodded and stepped toward the chair in front of his desk but he shook his head. “On the couch.”

Realisation slowly dawned on you–this conversation wasn't going to be easy. Either you had to lie and tell him the case didn't affect you mentally, that it didn't remind you how ignorant and full of hatred people can be towards others like you, and pray he didn't see through the cracks in your armour, or you told him the truth. And the truth, no matter how hard, felt like the right choice in the end. 

But whatever happened, you knew it couldn't happen in his office. You trusted him with your life but you couldn't be sure how he'd react. Taking a deep breath, you quietly asked, "Can we go somewhere else?”

Aaron tilted his head. "Like where?" 

"I don't know," you shrugged, wringing your hands together. "A bar?" 

If Aaron was confused, he didn't say anything. Instead, he moved from behind his desk and reached out to gently grab your elbow, leading you out of the office. 

As you parked the car, Aaron eyed the area with interest. His eyes, shining in the low light of a street lamp nearby, flickered over the entry of the bar. He observed the gaggle of women huddled away in the smoking area, all sharing a cigarette, then the two drag queens giggling away at an inside joke, and finally the security guard who stood at the door with a pin that proudly exclaimed ‘love is love’. “A gay bar,” he mused. “It looks nice. Do you come here often?”

“When I need to clear my head and feel a little less alone, yes.”

He smiled. “You ready to go inside?”

You took a deep breath and nodded. A few people called out to you as you made your way to your usual seat, waving with grins that you matched, although it didn't quite reach your eyes. The bartender waggled his eyebrows at you when he spotted Aaron and you bit back a laugh. Aaron slid into the booth opposite yours and gave you a polite smile, patiently waiting for you to speak. 

“So you're probably wondering why I brought you here.”

Aaron shrugged. “Because you have something you want to say and you feel as if being in a public space surrounded by people you trust will make it easier?”

You opened your mouth to answer but no sound came out. “I… What happened to not profiling each other?”

“Not a profile,” he smiled, glancing away for only a moment. “Just an observation.”

“Well, you're right. Uh, I wanted to explain why this case affected me more than most.”

Aaron sighed and leaned forward, reaching out for you as if to take your hands in his. At the last second, however, he changed his mind and pulled away, standing up instead. You stared at him with your eyebrows knitted together as he moved to your side, sliding in beside you. When he was settled, his knee bouncing against yours, only then did he speak. “You never have to explain yourself. Not to me. I just wanna make sure you're okay.”

Warmth bloomed in your chest and if your heart wasn't already beating a mile a minute, it was now. Tenfold, actually, and your hands shook in your lap as you gave Aaron a tentative smile. “I appreciate that, Hotch. But this… I need to.” His eyes found yours and you lost yourself for a moment. Smiling, he glanced away, giving you time to collect your thoughts with no pressure, and for that you were grateful. Taking a deep breath, you began. “I thought I'd be okay with the case because, well, I've seen stuff like this everywhere. I see it online or on the news more often than not; it's something we can never get away from. Violence against people who are, are different, that don't conform. We've seen it before, too, on cases. People in this community have been murdered for as long as time.” 

You paused, taking another shaky breath, and for a moment it felt like time slowed to a stop and you couldn't breathe. Aaron turned to give you a smile, small but genuine, and reached out for your trembling hand. “It's okay,” he whispered, interlocking your fingers. “I'm here.”

“Thank you,” you whispered back, squeezing his hand in return. Instead of pulling away immediately like you thought he would, he shuffled even closer so that your thighs and shoulders were pressed completely together. It gave you the courage you needed. “So when we were on that case with those… those little boys who only wanted peace and happiness, who wanted to be loved, who just wanted–needed–help and never got it from the people that should have been there for them… and when that cop said that they deserved it because they were different, because they were trans…” Aaron tensed beside you. “Something inside me broke. I felt like a kid again being told that I'd never be loved because of who I am.”

“Because of your sexuality?”

“No,” you said, shaking your head. The hand in your lap felt like a weighted blanket, something that brought comfort, and it allowed you to breathe out your next words. “Because of my identity. Because I'm trans, too.”

Aaron didn't flinch. He didn't pull away, he didn't breathe, and he didn't make a sound. You immediately thought the worst–that he was disgusted in you but couldn't bring it in himself to react. Hesitantly, you slowly began pulling your hand from his, unwinding your fingers. But before you could pull your hand completely away, he tightened his grip and pulled your combined hands into his own lap. The rough pad of his thumb slid across your knuckles, his touch featherlight but filled with a tenderness that had your heart leaping into your throat.

His other hand gently cupped your cheek, large and warm and firm, and angled your head up so that your eyes connected with his. Instead of disgust, all you found was acceptance. “Listen to me,” he said, voice hushed as if you were in a library. Despite the excited bustle surrounding you, music so loud it was almost disorientating, all you could focus on was him. His tongue flitted out and swept across his bottom lip nervously before he continued. “This doesn't change how I see you. You're still you, okay? And you always will be.” He gave you a sad smile. “And you have every right to be upset. Every right. What that cop said… I wish you hadn't heard it, I really do, but more importantly I wish he hadn't said it, or even thought it. I wish many others didn't share the same views, too, because you… you don't deserve that.”

“No one does,” you replied.

“No one does,” he repeated. “But you… Oh, you. I'm sorry that someone thought it was their right to tell you that you could never be loved because it's not true. Not in the slightest.” His thumb gently swiped over your cheekbone. “You are so, so loved.”

You gave him a weak smile. “I know. But not in the way I want to be. I don't think I'll ever get that.”

It was as if you could see the reflection of Aaron's heart breaking in his eyes. He gave you a sad look, not one of pity but of understanding, and nodded. “You will.”

“Maybe one day.”

“What about today?”

Your breath caught in your throat. “What?”

He hesitated, his gaze dropping low to your lips before finding your eyes again, and his head moved hardly an inch closer. If you weren't so close already, you wouldn't have noticed. But now you were keenly aware of his breath mixing with yours, the way your combined hands slotted together perfectly, how the comforting and familiar smell of him washed over you, and how his eyes shone with acceptance and love. 

“I…” Aaron started, trailing off in uncertainty. It's the only time you've ever seen him truly nervous. He licked his lips again and it took all your strength not to surge forward and press yours against his. “I love you.”

All that strength disappeared the moment those words left his trembling mouth and, before you knew it, you were kissing him. Mind completely silent, body losing all sensation except for where his body met yours, you felt like you were floating. His grip loosened on both your hand and face for hardly a moment before he held you twice as hard and kissed you back. It wasn't romantic by any means, the kiss feeling like a game of catch-up you had no idea how long had been in motion, lips and teeth and tongues clashing frantically, but it had your blood rushing in your ears and the world disappearing around you. 

When you pulled back for air, Aaron remained still. His lips were still slightly pursed, as if trapped in a memory he never wanted to escape, and his eyes were closed, a slight red tinge to his cheeks. He looked peaceful. He looked beautiful. 

As you admired him, the words slipped from your mouth with ease. “I love you too.”

[cherry-pop-elf]

Weasley Siblings Reacting To You Coming Out 🏳️‍⚧️ ((Trans Edition))

Some wholesome/projection because wah-! Also reader is under the impression of muggleborn, so muggle ideals would be different from wizards of course

Can he read as Platonic or Romantic! Clause Platonic love is valid af! I see you Ace/Just wanting stuff to not always be sex, folks!

Warnings: Transphobia,bullying ((not from the Weasleys obviously)) anxiety, depression, don’t worry it’s fluff just ya know. It’s scary coming out!

Writing Coms Open

((BTW this was in my drafts, and since Trans Visibility Day was today, it gave me motivation to finish it so let’s go-!))

William ‘Bill’

“Like Tonks-!” You did feel pretty silly, once he said that. Made you wonder why you waited so long. Literally you were friends with a Shapeshifter, so why would you coming out be so different? Oh right, what muggles would do if they knew. “Kinda, minus the whole ya know….Changing on the whim. Wish I could do that-“ You muttered, as Bill would pat your back. The pair of you, ever cozy in the library. Special permission to access the resurrected section, since he was being interned at Gringotts for curse breaking. Meant you had some privacy for such a sensitive topic. “Hey, we can find a way to. Right? It’s magic. I bet you my lucky dagger that the twins probably have something in the works.“ He comforted, and it made you smile. That Bill. Always finding a way to brag about his younger siblings somehow. That was just the cutest thing to you. Just a big brother, finding a way to show off his family. Helped a lot. “Whatever you need, I’ve got you. I know muggles do stuff differently, and a lot isn’t really to positive-“ Bill was the eldest, so it made sense he would be more informed with muggle culture. If his band shirts were to say anything. “Like name changes and stuff. Got a new name you like?” There was something so weird about how casual he was. Just, casual. It was a field, but also felt off. Like something bad should have happened. Maybe it will. Until then, though, you were happy to tell him your new name. “Suits you-!” He smiled that awkward half smile, given the other half didn’t exist anymore. “I like it.” And he was soon ruffling your hair. Older brother habits. They don’t die easy, and you were greatful for it.

Charlie

“Like Tonks-!” Why did you get Déjà vu? You shook it off, before nodding. “Yes, minus the actually changing my gender and stuff.” You clarified, as he multi tasked with the latest baby dragon Hagrid had gotten. Charlie just couldn’t resist, and now you two were stuck in his hut. Hagrid off to find someone to take said dragon, while Charlie treated it like a puppy. Kissing its snout, and making it squeal in utter delight. Despite the slobber, and despite the heat. One of the reason you trusted him with such a secret. His heart was so big, and he held such passion. Not to mention, you hoped he could help you get out of your shell a bit. Such a loud, and proud, man. Also, well, imagine trying to bully someone who’s buddies with the dragon tamer. “Neat-! So do I flip flip between pronouns, like Tonky, or you got new ones-?” You swore he was paying more attention to the dragon, than you. Weirdly, you liked it. He didn’t treat it as life or death, which healed something in you. He didn’t care, but in that good way. That it didn’t change how he saw you. Or, maybe you just asked at the right time. You had to shake his shoulder, to remind him you were still there. You two shared a laugh, as he went on rambling about how beautiful the dragon was, as you were able to relax a little easier.

Percy

“Trans-? Like as in Transfiguration? Finally, actually focusing on your studies.” You were already regretting this. You figured Percy would be someone to confide in, since he was a prefect. You were being bullied by the muggleborns, but the thing is….Hes a pure blood. He didn’t really understand what being trans was. So, you tried to explain. “Percy, they were making fun of me because I was born different.” You tried to explain, as he was starting to pay a bit more attention now. “They saw me going to the bathroom, and immediately threw books at me. It’s not like I don’t mind Moaning Myrtle, but it’s hard to pee with company.” You sniffled, as it was settling in now. “I’m so sorry, I’ll handle this immediately. I….Let’s go take you to the medical wing, to make sure you are patched….Could you explain more to me about this trans thing? Why it makes you different?” It’s a start. He’s willing to learn, and that’s more than so many. That gave you comfort. He’s confused, but willing. With his arm around you, you did your best to wizard it to his language. To get it out of your system, and for once? Percy stayed quiet, and listened. It’s a start, and you couldn’t be happier.

Fred

“Swear you are like the fifth person to tell me that this month-!” He laughed, as you blinked. Despite the prancing dynamic of the twins, they had grown a bit over the years. Suppose the older brother energy they held just drew in comfort. It’s easy to confide in them. They may not act like it, but they can keep a secret. Guess the courtyard was just a hot spot for such. “Wait, why are you telling me this anyway? I knew the moment I met you-!” He snorted, with an elbow nudge to you. Honestly? You were certain he was joking, but you wondered if he did. “About bloody time you figured it out yerself! Not sure how that whole thing works, but I’m sure George and I can brew something up for ya. Need a beard? Or bigger hips? I’m sure we got something-“ That had you roll your eyes. “Sounds like an excuse to turn me into your personal lab rat-“ That had him blink. “The hell is a lab rat?” Right. Pure blood. “I’ll explain it to you later. Just, promise not to tell anyone? I’m….not ready yet.” Fred seemed like he was ready to argue, about needing to just be passionate about who and what you are, but he was hushed. As if he could already hear Molly yelling at him. That was trauma for another occasion. Instead, he made a zipping motion to his lips, and threw away the key. “Thanks.” You smiled, as he gave a thumbs up. Pretending he couldn’t speak at all, and it got you to giggle. Calmed your nerves down just fine.

George

“That’s uh….That thing-! Yeah-!” He bullshitted, but you understood why. He’s the more emotional side of the dynamic duo. So many kids come to them for advice, but more come to George. You would pay a guess that many who went to Fred were actually looking for George, but didn’t realize it was Fred at all. You only managed, because he was wearing his Quidditch Jersey. Least, you think it was his. Shit, was this Fred? Nope, Fred walked by. With Angelina. Phew. “George, do you need me to explain?” You asked, as he rubbed his neck nervously. Embarrassed he wasn’t instantly able to comfort, like it was his only job. “It’s a muggle thing, breathe.” And breathe he did, as he laid back down on the common room couch. With a quick run down, it clicked. He’s an inventor, they are good at thinking outside norms. “Oh! Oh man, that sounds stressful as hell. Hey, anyone starts shit-“ He gave a sharp click with his tongue, and made a shooting motion with his finger. “Consider them chucked into a vanishing closet.” And given he’s a Weasley, you didn’t underestimate him. So, instead, you hugged him. A big, warm, squeeze. Of course, it was returned. Oh those Weasleys.

Ron

“Would you be offended if I go ask Hermione what that means-?” Least he’s honest, and knew better to ask her than anyone else. Hard to ever get alone time with him, as he was glued to her and Harry. Surprised to catch him alone, for once, and took the chance while you could. Now to just look at your breakfast plate, nervous. “I’ll just explain it, the best I can.” You sighed, as you saw Ron wince a little. Feeling he did something wrong. “It’s a muggle thing-“ You quickly said, as he breathed a little easier. A few nervous gulps of juice, and many confused brows, it clicked. "Woah, that sounds terrible. I rememberer when Harry and i had to drink a polyjuice potion. we were still the same gender, and all, but my skin just felt so wrong. Everything was wrong. was just a suit, and i wanted to peel it off. Even if it hurt." You had to stare. That was just so accurate to how you felt. Your eyes watered. “Did I say something wrong, again-? I’m sorry about-“ But you hugged him, with your eyes in his shoulder. Don’t get Ron started on how many times he’s had to be the shoulder for Harry. So, like a time turners clockwork, he held you back. Comforting you. Someone got it.

Ginny

“Think I’m that to-“ Ginny said, as you two just laid in the grass. Just trying to relax, from a long school day. “Like, maybe it’s just because I was raised by a bunch of brothers. Just, being JUST a girl feels weird. Like I’m more than that, I’m not JUST that. Maybe I’m feeling something else entirely. Never been the same, after that book.” She admits, ready to stress her out all over again. Voldemort did a number on her. What a way to start Hogwarts. Damn. “Well, maybe don’t think about it too hard. It’s both super complicated, but not at the same time. It’s more a feeling than anything else. You can be born it, or maybe over time it changes. Maybe by tomorrow you feel something else. Then, the next day it changes.” You tried to explain, as you watched the clouds. “Yeah, like magic.” She agreed, as she looked to her broomstick next to her. Thinking back to her childhood. “Maybe I am a guy, but Mum being so excited to have a girl just….Made me feel like I HAD to be….” God was that relatable. “Trans buddies?” You asked, and offered a hand. In a playful solidarity. You figured that would comfort her, or maybe now he. “Yeah, Trans buddies.” Ginny smiled, as you shared hands. “Jean sounds nice.” Ginny said. “Jean does sound nice.” You agreed.

[transmascissues]

I cannot thank you enough for your posts about top surgery. I'm hoping to get mine in a couple years. Your updates are really comforting to me, even (maybe especially) the bad stuff because it makes me feel more prepared. I hope your recovery keeps going well!

On another note, how did you decide whether to keep your nipples or not? I like how chests look with and without them, so it's hard to choose

for me there were a few factors that led me to go nipless:

the biggest thing was that when i imagined my body post-op, i naturally always saw it without nipples. that was just what felt right when i thought about how it would look — i didn’t even have to think about it, that’s just what came to mind. i figured, if i’m automatically picturing myself like that, that’s probably a good indication of what i would be happiest with.

i’ve also always had sensory issues related to my nipples. i basically wore a sports bra constantly, including when i slept, because i hated the feeling of loose fabric touching them and moving against them. so if i had kept my nipples, i would’ve ended up with either no sensation or more discomfort, not anything positive.

i really didn’t want to deal with the healing process for nipple grafts. my skin is super sensitive and finicky, so if anyone would be almost guaranteed to have problems with graft healing, god only knows it would be me. i also know i’m more prone to infection than most people, so avoiding the part of the surgery that has the highest chance of infection seemed like a good plan. on top of all that, i’m also a huge baby about having to touch any sort of injury on my body (just putting moisturizer on my mostly healed incisions was something i had to work up to), so i knew doing the graft care would be difficult for me too.

i know that i can be super picky about the way things look, especially when it comes to things like spacing and symmetry. so if i had gotten nipple grafts, i think it’s super likely that i would’ve ended up feeling like they were put in the wrong place or being bothered by any asymmetry in how they healed. obviously i wanted to pick the kind of surgery that was the most likely to give me results i would be fully satisfied with, so getting grafts despite knowing i’d probably end up nitpicking them for years to come just seemed silly.

i honestly really love the idea of having a chest that’s visibly different from a typical cis man’s chest. the goal of my transition has never been to look cis and i take a lot of pride in being recognizably trans, so having a kind of surgery that isn’t just trying to imitate what i would look like if i were cis was really appealing to me.

going without grafts is just cheaper, so given all of the other reasons i didn’t want grafts, there was just no reason for me to spend extra money on them. i want a few extra hundred dollars in my bank account way more than i want nipples.

and in hindsight, i genuinely couldn’t be happier with my decision. when i look at my chest, even now while it’s still not fully healed, it looks just like how i always imagined i would look with a flat chest and feels like the most natural thing in the world.

if you’re having trouble deciding which you like better, i would try just closing your eyes and imagining both on your body. this was one thing i did if i saw someone with grafts whose results i really liked and felt uncertain in my decision, because what i always ended up realizing was that no matter how good they looked on other people, it felt super weird imagining them on myself. in fact, most of the time i struggled to really even picture it at all.

you could also try gathering a bunch of pictures of both types of results and seeing how you feel about all of them. maybe when you look at the results with grafts, there’s only a few that you feel like you would be dissatisfied with, but when you look at results without grafts, there are a lot more that you probably wouldn’t want. or maybe it’s the other way around. like i said, you’re going to want to go with the kind of surgery you’re mostly likely to be happy with, so if you seem to be more critical of one kind of surgery’s results than the other, that can help guide your choice.

and if you really don’t feel any differently about them, consider the other factors: how do you feel about the healing process? is sensation in your nipples something you find pleasure in and would consider trying to preserve? what does the difference in cost look like for you and how important is that to you? how important is it to be able to pass as cis if necessary? and so on. your decision might end up being made based on something other than pure aesthetics and that’s totally okay.

[amurder-ofcrows]

much love to my trans brothers and sisters and siblings on this trans day of visibility. i see you even if others can’t because you saw me when i felt invisible. these times are tough and some days it feels like everything we worked for is regressing, but i promise you we will not be silenced. there are people who love us, who will use their privilege to fight for us, and our community will be strong even if everyone turns their backs on us. trans lives are not expendable, we are valuable and necessary for the world. we have existed since the beginning of time and we will continue to exist no matter what. on this day, take a moment to thank yourself for being true to who you are, even if you can’t express it outwardly or safely. there will be a time we all feel ready to be us, and i hope you all will be there with me when that time comes. love, your trans brother.

[t4transsexual]

one of the annoying things about being t4t is that like, one of the arguments transphobes use against us is like, "we cant say were not attracted to trans people, but you can say youre not attracted to cis people", and the response i have always seen is "were not attracted only to trans people, were t4t because its safer"

and it just annoys me so so much because like. i am attracted to trans people a lot more than cis people, i just find people who fuck around with gender or who have a more complex understabding of gender to be more attractive. but then you get accused of "oh so youre a chaser"/"youre fetishising them"/"you have a detrans kink and wouldnt like them after surgery" and like. stuff like that that obviously isnt even remotely true (especially if youre attracted to nonbinary/genderqueer people, which is straught up not allowed apparently)

its just kind of annoying that no one like ?? seems to agree that trans people can be attractive, and that we can be attractive because of, rather than despite, being trans. its just kind of demeaning that the consensus is "well obviously everyone would rather have a cis partner, unless its because theyd be unsafe!" when in reality its just that most people im attracted to are trans, and i hope other queer people are attracted to me because im trans

cis society at large has pushed the narrative that trans people are inherently unattractive, and the reason a lot of people (especially trans people) are so anti-t4t is that they either dont find trans people attractive due to cisnormative standards, or they dont see how anyone could find THEM attractive, also due to cisnormative standards

trans people ARE attractive. yes, even the ones who are clocky, or gnc, or have a voice that doesnt match their presentation, or cant/dont want to medically transition. i DO find trans people more attractive than cis people, and a lot of the reason is because ive been t4t for this long and i associate visible transness with the comfort ive felt in t4t relationships

i would not rather have a cis partner. trans love is beautiful and sacred and theres no reason for me to prefer cis people over trans people, and if i was born 1000 years later and everyone was either a transgender socialist or an ally, id STILL choose trans people over cis people. transness IS an attractive trait

and also, for those who see being t4t and finding transness attractive as being a chaser, ill remind you that you ARE attractive. yes, even you. people finding you attractive based on the features you have isnt them fetishizing you, because you are a normal occurence. chasers are inherently degrading to talk to because they dont view transness outside of pornography, and dont respect us. not everyone who loves you is a fetishist

[newtthetranswriter]

The Trans Magic Knight

Word count: 1641

Paring: The Black Bulls x Trans Masculine Reader (platonic)

Summary: Being a member of the Black Bulls that hid a part of their identity can be hard, it gets even worse when you get hurt and the truth comes out. Or maybe everything will be fine.

Warnings: Mentions of transphobia, injuries, smoking, if I missed any please let me know

A/n: Hello everyone and Happy Transgender day of Visibility. I wrote this as a piece to honor the fact that I’m trans myself. I also want everyone to know that My blog is a safe place for all identities and I would love to write more lgbtqia+ fics so feel free to request. It’s not exactly what I was going for but my brain started to give out and I wanted to get something out so I hope you enjoy either way. Anyway, enjoy and remember to hydrate or diedrate.

    Being a member of the Black Bulls is wonderful, everyday is an adventure and everyone is accepting and kind. Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for Captain Yami offering me a possession on his squad. I hadn’t even taken the exam to become a magic knight, Yami found me trying to defend my little village from bandits, with only a few defensive spells. When he arrived I was barely holding on against the older mages but I refused to give up, after taking out the bandits Yami approached me and tossed a Black Bulls robe my way asking me to join his crew. I didn’t even hesitate, I may have been trying to protect the village but I was desperate to get out of that town. Hell once the bandits were gone, the villagers praised Yami and gave him food and money, not acknowledging that had I not been there the bandits probably would have been long gone by the time Yami showed up. So yeah when I saw the robe, I jumped at the chance to get away.

    Now I’m part of an amazing and fun group of people who I would gladly fight for and who would gladly fight for me as well. That being said, there is one thing that only Captain Yami knows about me and that’s only because I’m terrified of how the others would react if they found out, after all Yami only knows because of some of the hateful things yelled at me as I left my village with him. 

    You see I’m transgender, when I was born everyone said I was a girl and enforced the feminine lifestyle on me. Around the same time I got my grimoire, I accepted that the label of girl or woman was wrong, I was just a person and preferred the more masculine things, fighting and getting dirty. When I realized this I cut my hair short, started binding my chest to appear more masculine, I even asked that my family and the people of my village call me Y/n and use either masculine or neutral pronouns to refer to me. Sadly living in a small village of the forsaken realm, being different in any way was wrong and so I was ostrichsized by my family and the people of the village. When Yami showed up and I left with him we were followed with shouts of transphobic slurs and insults of how bringing someone like me into the magic knights would bring shame to the kingdom. On the way to the Black Bulls base Yami agreed to keep it secret as long as I wanted, but he also promised that no one in the Black Bulls would care. Appreciating the sentiment, I had thanked him but decided that for now I would keep the truth to myself.

   So for the last three years I’ve lived and fought alongside the rest of the Black Bulls and so far no one has figured out my secret. Yami managed to give me a room that had a private bathroom attached and if anyone ever asked why I got special treatment he just did his usual act of asking why they would question him and scare them off. It was nice though, everyone here called me Y/n and addressed me as a guy, never suspecting anything else. But as we all know all good things come to an end, and my end happened during the Royal Knights exam to pick who would be the kingdom's leading force against The Eye of the Midnight Sun.

   During the second round when Langris nearly killed Finral, being the third member of Team G, I was horrified by what he had done. When the Wizard King said that we would move directly into the semifinale match between Asta’s team and mine, It took everything in me to listen and continue to stay on the battlefield. After all my teammate had nearly killed one of my closest friends, with encouragement to stay in the fight for a chance to be in the royal Knights from my other squadmates, I stayed but I wasn’t going to help Langris in his destructive plan to hurt any more of my friends. I simply cast a protection spell over my team's crystal, knowing Asta would easily break it, and took a step back. 

   Somewhere during Asta’s stand off with Langris, one of the spatial mages spells that Asta managed to launch back, had missed Langris and ended up hitting me in the rib cage. It seemed like everyone was too focused on the main fight to register I had been hit, hell I was too focused on the fight to notice. Only when both crystals had been destroyed and we were moved off the field did I realize there was a large hole through my shirt and chest. Actually it was Vanessa who pointed it out.

   “Oh my god, Y/n are you okay?” Vanessa approached looking panicked. Everyone who was still at the observation area turned to us concerned. I just looked at her confused not knowing what she was worried about, before I could respond I began to feel extremely dizzy. Right as I was about to fall Vanessa caught me. “Hey, it’s okay sweetie take it easy. I got you.” It felt like I was being lowered to the ground as she spoke to me. I tried to say something or even look at her but my vision went black and I went completely limp.

Time skip to shortly before results of the exam came back

    I slowly opened my eyes, being blinded by the harsh light of the sun shining directly into the window next to the bed I was in. The first thing I noticed was that there were a few people in the room with me. I could tell one was Captain Yami from the lingering smell of smoke, but my eyes hadn’t completely adjusted so I couldn’t quite tell who else was there. Moving to sit up I felt a hand on my shoulder gently pushing down, followed by a voice.

   “It’s good to see you’re awake but you need to take it easy. Don’t sit up so fast, Okay?” Turning to the side I confirmed that the voice was Vanessa, she was one of the first members of the squad to welcome me. Even though she tended to drown in booze, she was like a big sister to me so having her here relaxed me a bit. 

   Nodding to her I accepted the help in sitting up in the bed. Looking around I realized most of the squad was here to visit, just missing Finral and Gouache. And it seemed they all heard Vanessa speak to me because they all started talking. The room was filled with a chorus of them being happy I woke up or asking if I wanted to fight (that one was just Luck).

   The commotion went on for a bit before Yami shut them all up. “Shut up, no one is fighting anyone. Anyway, how you feeling kid?” Yami asked. As I was about to respond, I realized that in order to heal my wound, the healer had to take off my binder which means I was sitting here with my whole squad and they could definitely see the truth. It seemed Yami understood me freezing and took it upon himself to speak. “Don’t start worrying about that now. No one here gives a shit and if anyone says anything I’ll feed them to the beasts.” I just stared back at him, yeah so far no one has mentioned it but it was fairly obvious, with me not exactly being small chested and not in my usual binder and baggy clothes.

   Once again before I could speak I felt Vanessa lean over and give me a side hug before speaking. “Yeah no one cares. You’re you no matter what if you say you’re a guy then that’s what you are. Plus Yami told us your story and it’s truly awful how you were treated. Just know that no matter what we will always have your back.” Hearing that I smiled gently at her, trying to think of how to thank her.

   “Thanks everyone, but I’m sorry I lied to you all for so long. I would understand if you guys don’t fully trust me any more.” I apologized figuring that yeah they can say they accept me but that doesn’t mean they have to forgive the fact I kept it a secret for so long. 

   I was about to continue when Noelle started talking. “Nonsense what’s there to apologize for. You kept a secret because the last time people who were close to you found out, they treated you poorly. So what, you have fought by our side, protected us and even healed us more times than any of us can count. So how could we be mad about that? You were protecting yourself, we’ve all kept secrets to try and protect ourselves.” She finished with a flick of her hair. I looked at her shocked, then turned to the rest of the squad receiving nods of agreement and smiles.

   Before anyone else could say anything Yami ushered everyone out saying I needed rest and with that I was left alone. Sitting alone in the room I thought of what was said, Vanessa and Noelle are right, these guys will always have my back, we’ve fought together for so long and none of them have ever given up on me for any reason so why would they now. I slowly shifted to lay down content with the conversation that happened, and enjoyed the normal chaos that could be heard throughout the Black Bulls base. Everything was going to be just fine.

[theintrovertbean]

Summary: A tale of a Countess who lost her memories, and a magician who remembers more than their heart can bear.

-

My OC, Dara, is trans and non-binary. They use they/them pronouns. They were AFAB, but now they have a pp and a more masculine appearance. It's not relevant yet, but later it will be because I love smut.

Unlike in the original Arcana storyline, Dara didn't die of the plague. They are alive and (more or less) well. You will find out everything else from the story itself.

It's gonna be angsty. I'm coming for your hearts.

My fanfiction writing skills are a bit rusty because I haven't written any in years, so bear with me and forgive me if it's shit. It's gonna be a full series. Enjoy!

Word count: ~1400

Wounds of Magic, Scars of Love (Nadia x Dara)

Asra was gone.

Well, at least for the time being. It was usual for him to leave at the darkest hour of the night, but regardless of when and how he left, it always left a slight ache in Dara’s heart. The plague brought them closer, but even after over a decade of knowing each other, one of them always had to leave.

But they came back. Every single time, they would find themselves in the same old magic shop in Vesuvia, dwelling over the past and their mistakes.

And of mistakes, Dara certainly had a lot. But there was one, one that would haunt the magician to their grave. 

Dara has lived and Dara has loved, but never as freely as they wished, for their life had always been bound by what they were allowed and what they were not allowed to do. 

And loving Nadia Satrinava was definitely something they never should have done.

The mysteriousness of the dark, foggy night stirred up a melancholic feeling in Dara’s heart. They always drank red wine because white reminded them of Nadia and whenever they thought of Nadia, which was almost all the time, they felt pain that words could not describe.

And yet, in the haze of that bitter ache, there was also a feeling that shined bright like the last visible star among the clouds of the Vesuvian night. 

Maybe if I had spoken the truth…

But they did not. They kept it to themselves like a lying snake and the guilt of what they did will always be in the back of their mind, reminding them of their sin like a curse. 

So Dara raised their glass. A bit of wine never hurt anyone and after tending to the shop all they, they could indulge themselves in a few sips of alcohol, desperately hoping that it might ease the pain.

And as Dara brewed the last potions for tomorrow, they heard a knock on their door. It was not the most unusual of things as people often seek them out at night to ask for their help. Dara wondered what it was going to be this time. Maybe someone cut off their leg again? Perhaps someone’s grandmother died and they were hoping that a talented magician might be able to bring her back. The endless possibilities. Nothing would surprise Dara anymore.

Except one thing.

With a deep sigh, they rose from their seat and made their way toward the door. The stranger knocked again, more urgently this time and much to the magician’s annoyance. 

Why can’t you just wait a moment? 

Surely, it was not that difficult to spare some patience for the tired and overworked magician. Especially at this hour.

But the stranger persisted, sharply knocking again just as Dara reached out to open it. 

And without wasting even a moment, the person stepped in, storming past the magician as soon as there was enough space for her to enter. She said nothing, she just stood in the middle of the room, her eyes searching for something as if she was seeing the shop for the first time.

She had her back to them, but Dara could recognize her anywhere. “Nadia?” Her name unwillingly slipped past their lips and Dara almost cursed at themselves for allowing it. The Countess turned to face them with a look of surprise on her face. “Why are you here?” Dara asked in a voice barely more audible than a whisper. There was pain in their words, years of hurt and desperation. 

“You must read the cards for me.” She was panting slightly, the magician could hear it. She must have come here in a hurry.

Then the door slammed. “No,” Dara said firmly, causing Nadia’s shoulders to jump and then she turned around. There was fear in her eyes, although Dara did not mean to cause it on purpose. But they would not allow this behavior. Not even to her. “I won’t just let you act like nothing happened. Won’t you say anything? You can’t pretend that we were nothing.” 

Vesuvia whispered. It always has, that was just how the nature of the city was. She whispered that during the plague when even the air smelled of ashes and death, a Countess and her magician hid their affair under the black cloak of the night. 

But there was no affair. Dara often wished there was because maybe then they would have fewer regrets. The people said that Nadia and Dara were lovers, but that was not true. If it was, then Dara would have had one less accusation to feel bad about.

It was, however not baseless. 

The Countess looked away in embarrassment. “I would rather discuss this later. I am here regarding another matter.” She told them, avoiding the subject.

“But if it wasn’t for the other matter, we would never talk about what happened in the first place.” The Countess opened her mouth to say something then she closed it, remaining silent. “So?” Followed by her gaze, Dara asked while walking back to the counter, clearly angered and hurt by the Countess’ presence. “What do you want?” 

“Forgive me for the hour, but I will not suffer another sleepless night.” She unwinded her shawl, a rather poor attempt at disguising herself, and despite every fiber of their being screaming at them not to, Dara still found her just as beautiful as on the tragic night of the last Masquerade. “Please, you must read the cards for me.”

Dara reached for their glass and raised it for the second time that night. They swallowed and then spoke to her. “I heard you the first time and I will not do such thing. If you want a reading, you have to find someone more willing.”

“Then hear my proposal. That is all I ask. I require very little of you.” It’s not little if it requires being in your presence. And being in Nadia Satrinava’s presence felt like a thousand knives were turning in their soul. “Come to the palace and be my guest for a while. You will be afforded every luxury, of course, and I will pay you quite handsomely. I only ask…”

“Keep the money.” Dara interrupted her, making Nadia stare at them with her mouth slightly open for a moment. “It’s not money that I’m after.” 

“Then what is it you want? Surely, you would expect some kind of payment for your troubles.”

“You should invest the money in fixing the damage your husband did. I require nothing.”

Nadia only looked at them and then she nodded. “Then I suppose I shall find another way to reward you.”

“I see you don’t understand. I want nothing from Your Excellency.” But that was not true, not in the slightest. From the corner of their eye, the magician glanced at the Countess. If she asked, would they still do anything for her? Would they leave everything behind for even a moment of blissfulness with her?

Yes. Yes, I would.

But Nadia did not protest. She should and in the past, she would have, so why not now? Maybe things were not the same anymore. “Thank you for not turning me away. I understand you have some…grievances. You pique my interest.” Her last sentence makes the magician raise an eyebrow in curiosity. 

But tonight, there was nothing else left for them to say. Or at least Dara was not sure if their heart would be able to take it.

Nadia cleared her throat and her attention shifted toward the door and then back. 

Oh? She was expecting Dara to open the door for her, but after tonight she should know better. Dara took one long sip from their glass before settling it down on the glass top of the counter. And with probably more bravery than all of Vesuvia had, Dara stared directly into Nadia’s eyes, their gaze cold and determined, but also lost and still grieving the loss of something they never had. 

The Countess sighed, disappointed in the treatment Dara was giving her. She could easily order them to behave and Dara would not have been surprised if she said that their services were not needed anymore. But no. Nadia did not take it back. Nadia still wanted to have them. “I will see you tomorrow, then, at the palace. Rest well.” And with that, she walked out of the magic shop, leaving only the ghost of her presence and a reopened scar behind.