#i loose years of my life everytime this happens

[333grimson]

I pick the m/m tag for fanfiction yet everytime there are so many that are literally just straight fem reader fics with the m/m tag??? Why y'all do this like genuinely i need to know the thought process???

Friendly reminders to cis fanfic writers that afab≠woman

Afab means assigned female at birth so this includes/can include cis women, trans men, transmasc people, nonbinary people, and intersex people.

If you’re making a fic where the reader is a woman, uses she/her, wears feminine clothing, etc. tag it as fem reader instead.

I’ve been smacked in the face as a trans man by reading fics tagged afab thinking it will be gender neutral, but the reader is actually a woman and I’m disappointed because I was ready for a fic I thought would apply to me.

Have fun writing and make sure you’re tagging your fics properly, ty <3

[ruestheday]

jason todd fanfic writers when i tell them if you have to change the way canon events went down then maybe he’s not as much of a victim as you think

[foressfaction]

Warning: mentions of s*icide and other topics that could be triggering

“My trust in you is like a dog with a broken leg”

Time to yap

Can we just talk about how I think if Toby ever got caught and arrested by the police that he would straight up just let them. His life is so shit and aside from maybe in AUs where he lives with his work partners (Tim and Brian) or with Jack, that he is practically homeless and has been barely scrapping by. Lets just say even in one of those AUs he’d surrender due to pure panic cause being held at gun point would probably freak bro the fuck out and he’d have no possible choice. Now of course he’d put up a good chase but maybe in a situation the authorities just run into him. He’d just let it happen.

I’d feel the police would know who he is even after the years. I don’t think he’d look much different other than the changes that are inevitable. I feel they’d be gentle. Though yes. He killed people, has weapons. But by then they learned the story, I just think they’d be gentle. He would have a look of pure fear for once other than what goes on in his head. All he knows is fear, anger, guilt. I think that would be very prominent in his arrest.

He doesn’t know his rights, he doesn’t know how to comply, just lets his body be escorted and almost dragged away into what ever vehicle they would transport him.

In court his mom who still lived would face him for the first time in years after thinking both of her kids were dead. What she saw of her brutally murdered ex husbands body still haunted her. And probably wouldn’t leave her mind upon first glance at her son. She sees him as a killer, but certainly not a monster. Tears would stream but her face would stay blank. Her black mascara running down her pale skin.

Her hair has grown longer and put up in a neat bun, some loose strands from the family’s genetic frizzy hair.

She’d lay eyes on her son that had gone missing all those years ago after such a traumatic event. She knew him better than anyone.

But Toby… he wouldn’t even know who she is. He would have this gut wrenching feeling something was off, everytime he would look at her, like he was supose to know something, feel something. But nothing.

I feel like the court would consist of questions, ones that would only be answered by the sweet sound of silence and head tilt downwards. Obviously he didn’t remember his past. But they would ask so much about it. About Lyra, about the fire, his home life. They probably would mention that his mom is in the room, and ask what she thinks.

She wouldn’t respond sometimes, still in complete numbness and shock that her son was not only alive, but had been homeless and taking more lives of the innocent. At first it was a case of escaping abuse, but there was something far more sinister going on as well.

He looks so much older than what she remembers. So worn out looking and exhausted. His eyes were so dark. She’d recall. So lifeless. Deep down she loved him dearly and wanted nothing bad to happen to him. But that was not up to her. He was a murderer.

I feel there would be a moment where they’d touch hands. He would be shaken up, just like when he was little. But he was so different at the same time. To him this was just some ordinary woman. She also looked so different. He wouldn’t even be able to form words, as that feeling of belonging forced itself to so badly be seen.

Connie would watch her son die. Not by body, but by soul. As he would be sentenced to life in a phych ward. Where there he would be treated like a dog at a pound, a prisoner of multiple first degree murder charges. Including the one of his father.

And in that cell block, behind those bars. He would slowly but surely lose his mind and become inhuman, unresponsive. A living life sized dog that would snap at any hand.

There however, he considered himself free. Even if the torture of the facility progressed, the Operator couldn’t reach him here. A feeling he longed for. But was it really worth it.

Toby dies in this place at the age of 31 due to starving himself as a form of s*uicide. His grief practically killed him and the staff let it happen.

It was all rumored to have been on purpose but it’s still a mystery on what happened to him those years ago. The answer would be unbelievable to most. Which is why he ended up here in the first place. He is so unbelievably ill.

[snottertooder]

Proof that Jason looks the hottest when he’s miserable:

In this essay I will tell you exactly why he SHOULDN’T get therapy

After being tortured by the Joker for 2 years

Drop dead gorgeous Vogue Model. Mogging all the men in the game. Face card is literally lethal and emotional baggage is filled!!

After getting therapy and healing

BOOOO TOMATO TOMATO 🍅🍅🍅 why does he look like I have to ask him where he was on January 6th. He looks like he gets a boner everytime he sees his truck please free him omg …. All he’s missing is a maga hat..

After being beaten by the Joker again so trauma x2 (IGNORE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THIS SCENE)

BEAUTIFUL and angelic. Babsgirl…you should be locked up for that kiss..but…I get it… he looks sooo kissable & delectable here…I would do it too + runaway with him

Being happily married with Rose Wilson in the apocalypse (girl…. cass is RIGHT THERE…)

Um…! This has to be the worse one yet ! The Happiness of bagging a baddie while being ugly must’ve gotten to him…. This is why he shouldn’t be happy.

Getting beaten by your abusive father 😜

He really went ”wait dad hit my good side I have to serve face!!” And he did!

Oops! He apologized right after and you make up! Time to turn back into a 40 year old man who just found out he fell for Logan Pauls crypto scam (if I fell for that, I would also loose 40 years of my life)

Sorry that might’ve been a lot of whiplash… (esp dcseased Jason…) here’s Nick Robles Jason as a good note to end on #needthat

[luminalunii97]

I've seen non Iranians admiring the Islamic Republic national football team for not singing the national anthem. And then they were confused as to why iranians were happy that the team lost. Yes not singing the anthem might have consequences for them, but it won't change the fact that these people went to visit Raisi, the Islamic Republic president and bowed to him, posed happily for pictures while we were dealing with Kiam Pirfalak news, and said they don't care about politics and what's going on Iran in an interview, stating that they will focus on the game only. Not singing the anthem is nothing in comparison. And you might think they were under pressure. So were other athletes in Iran, let's see what they did:

Picture on the right is Elnaz Rekabi, an Iranian rock climber who was the first athlete to take off her hijab during Mahsa Amini protests to show her solidarity with people. She's currently under house arrest. she wasn't the first Iranian woman ever doing that. On the left, that's Shohreh Bayat, her story is so sad.

In many interviews I've seen of her, she always cries when she says her story. She was to referee the final of the Women's World Chess Championship a couple of years ago. While in another country she decided to wear her hijab loosely in an act of rebellion. She got warning from Islamic Republic twice and everytime she made it worse. She was asked to apologize but she refused, saying that she wouldn't apologize for what she believes in. At last, even though she wasn't ready to leave everything behind and start from scratch in a foreign country, she decided to ditch the compulsory hijab completely and never come back to Iran, because her life would be in danger if she did. Because of her choice she can't come back to visit her family anymore. her family supported her which made the authorities to force her father to resign (her father was the president of chess association in Gilan, Iran).

Then we had Iranian national beach soccer team. I think they were the first group who refused to sing Islamic republic national anthem. And after they got threatened to sing the anthem, they did something even more iconic. One of the players cut his imaginary hair after he scored.

Then we had these two scenes after scoring. They were recreating an inhuman thing Islamic republic did. The guy on the right is Khodanoor Lajei. He was murdered on bloody Friday in Zahedan. He was a Baloch guy. I'm going to post about Balochs and the thing that's been done to them by Islamic republic in details. For now know that this guy got killed in protests but this picture of him is for a couple of months back. He insulted a Basiji guy or something, Islamic republic police chained him to a pole in the middle of the city to make him an example for others, after beating him. When he asked for water they brought him a cup but they put it out of his reach in front of him and laughed at his thirst. (You see why we hate Islamic Republic, IRGC and Basij?!) The picture got out only after his death because Baloch people didn't think the rest of Iran would care about them enough to react. That broke my heart unspeakably much.

With so much bravery, our national girl's basketball team has been posting photos without mandatory hijab ever since the protests have begun.

Last but not least, Parmida Ghasemi, iranian archer ditching mandatory hijab inside of iran. She took it out for receiving the prize and while she was being photographed.

(Btw, non of these women "forgot" their hijab accidentally. If you're iranian you learn to never forget your hijab since you're 7, the age you start school. Without a formal head wearing you won't be allowed to attend school classes. When you grow up with it, you'll get used to it. You have no idea how weird it feels to not wear a veil in public, I'm still getting used to it.)

we've witnessed many iconic brave moves by our athletes but non of them said we don't give a shit about what's happening in Iran before the game. I'm not saying they won't be redeemed one day, I'm just saying they should work to win their respect back.

[ryuzakistoe]

Reunited once more PART 1 (Rin Itoshi x Fem!reader)

Childhood friends, angst, language, fem!reader, 2 parts

It's been a while since you last spoke to Rin. The last time you saw him was when Sae came back home. Since then, he has been acting "differently," leading to an argument. It's something you deeply regret. You wished you had done something to keep him from leaving...

a/n: HEYYY so I decided that I would be doing another Rin Itoshi ff because I have no idea who to write about next and stuff….BUT for my other ones ill do different characters! Maybe even from different animes too sooo….

BTW THIS IS PART 1 THERE IS 2 PARTS!!!

(this one is all angst btw but next part will have fluff and comfort to make up for all the angst in this one!!!!)

How long has it been? How many years have passed? When was the last time you saw him?

Well, its been 3 years. 3 long years since you last seen or heard from him.

~~~🥀~~~

Ever since Sae came back from Spain, Rin changed. Rin had always been so sweet, kind, and shy around you.

But on that day, he acted so cold towards you, staring down at you as if you were a mere pest.

Those same eyes that would show kindness and careness, were now gone—vanished.

Everytime he would look or at least spare a glance in your direction, it would always be filled with carelessness, emptiness, and even a hint of annoyance.

It pained you deeply that he would now perceive you as some ‘bug’.

You tried talking to him, asking him whats wrong, and what happened, but he would always shut the conversation down or just plainly ignore you.

He even lashed out at you once, complaining and irritated by your nonstop questions. He even talked about how your constant presence annoyed him.

…

“Do you ever just shut the fuck up Y/n?!”

…

Those harsh words pierced your heart. You felt as if a blade was stabbed right through your chest.

Your mouth was left agape as you tried to form a word. Unfortunately, none came.

Tears started to pool in the corner of your eyes, threatening to spill any moment now.

Noticing the quietness, Rin glanced back behind him, catching sight of the state you were in.

As soon as his eyes came into contact with your figure, he couldn't help but let out a scoff, although feeling guilty inside.

“Honestly, seeing you like this is pathetic. You really are embarrassing.”

As if it couldn't get any worse, the tears that were building up finally let loose. As if water was breaking through a dam.

The tears kept falling. Showing no signs of stopping any time soon.

Your breath hitched as you tried to contain yourself. Although there was no reason in doing so as it was proved impossible right now. Your nose began to get all red and runny from the crying you were doing.

You hated this.

You hated how you let his words easily affect you.

Whether it was comforting, kind words or aggressive, and hurtful words like this, you would always take them to heart.

But who could blame you as you grew up with the kindest, most caring, sweetest boy? You always relied on him.

Everytime you needed advice or consolation, Rin was always the first person you would seek for.

It was hard to believe that he was now some cold, heartless jerk who couldn't give two shits about you now.

But as they say, old habits die hard.

It was almost impossible to picture a life were Rin wasn't in it. After all, he’s helped you all these years.

…

After a bit of time of your silent crying, Rin decided to speak.

“Ill be leaving now. I'm finally leaving this shithole of a neighborhood behind.”

Wait...what..?

“Rin…? W-what do you mean your leaving..?” you manage to mumble out as your curiosity and anxiety got the best of you, wanting to know where he's going.

Rin let out yet another small scoff as he talked.

“Do I need to repeat myself? I said what I said.” Rin harshly spoke.

Hearing his sharp tone made you wince, but you had to know where he was going. Was he leaving for good, going on vacation, or just taking a break?

“Are…are you leaving for good..?” you softly uttered as your tears managed to pause momentarily, hoping that wasn't the answer.

Rin let out an aggravated sigh as he turned his body to face you.

“Do you really think I would want to stay here in this lukewarm place any longer?”

There it was. That word ‘lukewarm’. He would always say it now ever since Sae came back.

He let out yet another sigh as he continued talking.

“I got accepted to some soccer program so ill be attending there. Then soon after ill be moving after. I never planned to stay here anyways.”

After hearing this, you couldn't help but feel a hint of anger.

He would be leaving? For good? After all these memories you both made…they’ll be forgotten just like that?

Your disbelief and irritation now took over your earlier saddened state.

Without thinking much, you couldn't help but let out an angered yet upset confession.

“So you’ll be leaving? Just like that? What about us?! What about our childhood memories we shared here?! Your just gonna discard all of that?”

Hearing your raised voice only served to further aggravate Rin. How dare you speak to him like that?

He glared down at you as his hands balled into fists, his knuckles slowly transitioning into a white, pale color from his intense grip.

“So what of it? Of course I'll be leaving it all behind. Your nothing but a nuisance to me. Always leeching off me, seeking for solace and attention! All those childhood memories were no other than some mere enjoyable experiences.” Rin retorted back as his teeth slightly clenched in fury.

Now this…this was the most hurtful thing he could have said to you. Did he always perceive you that way? Some leech?

His cruel words made your eyes widen in shock. How could he say such a thing? Did he never want to stay with you from the start?

No.

Its not that.

It was obvious that he enjoyed—no, cherished those old times back then. He loved hanging out with you, spending time with you, and doing activities with you. He kept it all in his heart.

So, how could he spit out those lies just now?

Was it Sae’s doing?

Maybe.

Was it stress from his soccer career?

Maybe.

Or was it really all you?

Maybe.

It hurt. It hurt a lot to hear and witness Rin acting this way toward you—perhaps even toward other people.

Does he even know how much his words and actions are affecting you? Probably not.

You slowly look back up at him as you begin to speak your mind. After all, all of this was just one big pile of bullshit.

“Do you really mean that? Do you really believe that all those childhood memories were just for enjoyment and satisfaction in your life? I find that hard to believe.” you muttered out as your eyes narrowed down at him, exposing all the emotions you were feeling at that moment.

Rin casted his gaze onto you once more as he analayzed your words.

The thing was that Rin never truly stopped caring about you.

All this fighting, arguing, and bickering was doing a big enough toll on him as it was for you.

He felt guilty and regretful for every harsh word he spat at you.

He couldn't help but hold Sae responsible for everything. Sae was the one who shaped him to become the way he is now.

In the beginning, Rin was unintentionally being unfriendly and distant to you right after his interaction with Sae. He felt bad afterwards and wanted to apologize, but for some reason, he couldn't.

He knew that you were shattering apart. He knew that he was causing you pain. He knew that he was the reason for your sorrow.

And that pained him; he never thought that he would be the reason why you were so upset and miserable, especially when he liked you.

He soon came to a decision to try to at least distance himself away from you as to not harm or hurt you any further.

But, it soon became a difficult challenge as you were always around him.

He wanted to break the act and admit to you how sorry he truly is but he couldn't.

He didn't want to see the hurt all over your face. Especially if he was the one causing it.

Since he couldn't bear to see the pain on your face, he decided to sever ties with you or try to push you away.

At this moment, he hoped you would back off after he told you he was leaving.

Rin’s gaze lingered on you a little more than necessary before he finally spoke.

“Y/n. What I said is true. I merely saw all this as an enjoyable experience. Why can't you understand that?” he said as his voice lacked any emotion.

You stared back at him feeling..—well you didn't know what you were feeling.

Was he really admitting what he felt about both of your guys time together?

So why?

Why did he choose to stay with you at that time when he only found it ‘enjoyable’ and ‘distracting’ but not something to cherish and treasure?

Well, you also couldn't mostly blame him. Whenever he tried to leave, you would always pull or hold him back.

“Do you really mean what you say? Is this what your feeling right now?” you spoke as your voice began to crack, revealing how hurt you truly are.

Rin took a good look at you.

He couldn't do this for any longer anymore.

The way your eyes looked so hurt and miserable made him feel such drastic pain in his heart.

If you had told his younger self that he would cause you this much pain, young Rin would have been in denial and thought it was a joke.

He can't believe that he was hurting you, especially when he swore he would always care and look after you.

But now, the only way to care and protect you was if you would finally let him go.

“Its how I feel Y/n. Its how I always felt.” he nonchalantly spoke as he forced himself to hold back his true emotions.

“Always…?” you softly mumbled as his words continued to echo in your head.

He's always felt like this?

That was it. That was all you needed to hear as you finally began to accept it.

He's always felt like this.

At that moment, you felt numb. You felt nothing, or to be exact, you felt everything. You just didn't know how to express it in that overwhelming moment.

But the signs? he didn't show any signs that he wanted to stop spending time with you.

Great… now you were in denial.

While having inner conflicts with yourself, you began to notice Rin’s presence fading away.

Breaking out if your trance and looking up, you saw Rin walking away.

‘Wait..’

‘Please wait..dont go yet..’

‘Rin..’

You wanted to say something, mutter something, yell something, but you couldn't.

The truth about his feelings for you was holding you back. You didn't want to burden him any further.

But now you regretted it.

As it would be the last time you would see him in a while.

“Rin….”

a/n: sooo was this good for a whole thing of angst???BTW after completing both parts I mightttt do an isagi yoichi one but idkkk🥲 BUT OMGOMGOMG IM SO EXCITED FOR OCTOBER 5THHH

THEY BETTER NOT DO SAE DIRTY😣

(he's so cute, handsome, beautiful, majestic, pretty, gorgeous, stunning, exquisite, captivating, ravishing, fetching, good looking, attractive, lovely, etc.)

[lifewillalwaysbe-lavieenrose]

GUYS!! I saw Les Mis! In Munich!!!

Let's recap!

The Cast:

Daniel Gutmann as Javert. He was incredible. Definitely my personal highlight. Everytime he sang his voice just ROARED. And he was menacing holy shit. Aggggggh I'm normal about him

Barbara Obermeier as Eponine. When I first heard her sing in Act 1, I knew she was gonna kill it in Act 2. And she did.

Merlin Farcel aka Enjolras. His voice was so perfect I LOVED all the high notes, BUT:

The beard. Sorry, but in my world Enjolras doesn't have a beard. Plus, it makes him look like Peter Maffay

Madame Thenardier was PERFECT (I don't remember who played her that night😭) She was so funny and the audience really loved her.

The Music:

At first, I felt a bit underwhelmed by the orchestra. To be fair, I listened to the 10th anniversary recording SO much, that I really got used to that grand orchestra sound.

There was an electric guitar and at one point an electric bass when Javert sang, which I really loved.

During Master of the House/ Beggars at the Feast you could really see the orchestra bopping their heads and having fun and that made me very happy

I really loved the brass section, they really stood out (That French Hurn during On My Own????!)

The Costumes:

I don't know why, but the Les Amis were wearing these caps all the time. I have never seen a production with them in it. Is this a historically accurate thing?? I didn't really like them, they looked very plastic/shiny and fell out of place

I cannot find a picture but in the beginning of Act 1 Valjean wore a pink vest and then a purple coat which both looked very cheap and which I both didn't like (maybe it was because of the light? The colors felt very unnatural)

Eponine's outfit. At first I thought it didn't look shabby enough. But it looks so badass I'll let it pass

Why don't you let Enjolras wear his red vest??

What is Marius wearing? Goofy boy

Big Mad Hatter vibes from Thenardier. I loved his and the Patron Minettes outifits, they looked very edgy

This is perfect. Perfect. I only wished he had undone his hair for Javert's Suicide (he did, but only for the last 10 seconds)

The Stage:

The stage had a turning middle and stairs that could be moved around, similar like in Hamilton.

They did a cool transition with young Cosette walking up the stairs and old Cosette walking down

Also, they had some cool staging with buildings moving around for Stars. But I feel like there was almost a bit too much happening in the background for this song.

I don't know why they didn't have the Barricades turn and show Enjolras hang upside down. It's such a cool/tragic moment!

During the Barricade scenes, the stage sometimes felt a bit empty. I mean, there were always like 15 people standing around. Maybe the Barricades were to small/not high enough

Empty chairs at empty tables. Where were the empty chairs and empty tables??

In Everyday/A Heart Full of Love Reprise single leaves started falling down on the stage (Like Valjean entering the Fall/Winter of his life) I loved that.

Also, the parallel of Marius learning to walk again using a cane, and Valjean loosing his ability to walk using a cane. I never noticed this before!

There are SO many cool things about the staging I could talk about here. But I want to mention some other topics as well:

The "Spirit" of the Show:

There wasn't a single French flag to be seen. Some red ones, but no French flags.

In the trailer, the director said he wanted to create a more universal setting, speaking to everyone in the audience

I think that's a great sentiment but like. Everyone has French names. There were titles above the stage telling us the year and locations (Places in France) of the events. The title of the show is French.

So I think adding the flags (aka a bit more French nationalism?) would have seemed a lot more convincing for the cause of the students and the whole spirit of the show

But maybe this also has to do with the show being in German? I don't know and I'd really like to discuss it. Maybe someone here made a similar experience seeing it in another language

And last, but MOST importantly:

What about Valvert and Enjoltaire?

In the Confrontation, Javert and Valjean got really close to each other. And I mean fighting each other and then stopping just to sing directly into each other's faces.

Instead of running infront of the court in Who Am I, Valjean just goes to Javert and rips his shirt open? Okay, go off I guess

In Drink with Me, we have a platonic forehead touch between Enjolras and Grantaire. Sadly, that's all I noticed between them 😔

Also, the fact that Grantaire is supposed to be ugly/shabby/a drinker/a sceptic got totally lost, which really takes away from his character.

Conclusion:

All the actors were good, some of them were FANTASTIC. I'd watch it again just for the guy playing Javert, if I could. God, he was SO GOOD

The music was all it should be, maybe a bit too reserved (but again, this might be because I am so used to the 10th anniversary concert)

I really loved some costumes and I also really disliked some

The staging was great, some choices confused me (flags, barricades etc.)

Would I watch it again?

Absolutely!

To be clear, some of the things here might sound more negative than I actually mean. It's just that I have watched SO many different productions online, that I fixated on all the great performances and how I think they should be done. Of course everyone has different opinions here.

Okay thanks for reading if you made it here. Have a great day!

[snelbz]

Better or Worse {8}

Nessian. Angst. Modern au.

@snelbz x @theladyofdeath collab

Better or Worse Masterlist

Warnings: language.

Every session with Gwyn is easier.

I’m still tense as hell when we arrive, but as Cassian and I leave our most recent appointment with her, I actually feel like we might actually be getting back on the right track.

His hand is in mine, which has been a much more common occurrence in the past few days than it had in the last year.

Gwyn knows what she’s talking about, that’s for sure. As a relationship therapist, I would really hope she’s good at what she does, but I didn’t realize just how much I missed Cassian’s touch, the feel of his rough hands on my skin.

Nothing past PG has happened, but every time he tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear or takes my hand in his, my stomach does a little flip and I feel like a teenager with a crush.

Except this isn’t just a silly crush.

He’s the love of my life. I knew it, even in my darkest hour, even when we rarely spoke, even when it felt like we did not exist within the same space. I have never doubted that Cassian is the one and only man I am meant to be with, which is somehow even more terrifying than having a simple teenage crush. I wasn’t even this scared when we were engaged, when we were about to be married. Then, I felt like I had nothing to lose, there was no question about it, about us. Now, I feel like I have everything to lose. Even though things are getting better, we aren’t back to being us, and even though I feel like we’ll get there, that we’re on the right track, the fact that we’re not still leaves me scared shitless. 

“You’re quiet,” Cassian says, as he pulls us out of the parking lot. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” I say, and it’s an honest response, even though he looks unsure. “Just reflecting.”

He nods, looking both ways before pulling out onto the main street. “I get that.” There’s a beat of silence, then he says, “I think we should go out tonight.”

I look at him, brow raised, instantly thinking about the last time we tried to go out a few weeks ago. “Really?”

He shrugs, fingers dancing on the steering wheel. “Yeah, I’d kind of like to erase the last date we had. Thought we should try again.” Another beat of silence passes. “But, if you’re not ready, that’s fine—”

“I think that sounds nice,” I interrupt, afraid I was giving off the wrong vibes. I’m more surprised that he wanted to try date night again after I messed the last one up so badly, but he gives me a smile that I know is genuine, and slightly full of mischief, which reminds me of the old him, the one that didn’t want to leave me.

I miss him.

And even though I see glimpses of that old Cassian lately, I know he’s still holding back. 

“Good,” he says, and we spend the rest of the way home in a comfortable silence. 

We agreed we’d leave at six-thirty, which allows me two hours to respond to some emails before I have to start getting ready. While I’m in my office, Cassian’s downstairs going over a few new menu items for the restaurant. Half of my inbox is nasty emails from Eris, which tries to dampen my mood but I won’t let it. If I got pissed and upset everytime Eris told me something I don’t want to hear, I’d never feel a single ounce of joy. I send him one email as a response to all, letting him know that everything is on track and I’ll send him an update at the end of the day tomorrow. 

It’s just after five-thirty when a soft knock comes to the office door and Cassian peeks in. He’s shirtless, yet again, and I’m starting to think that he’s coming around shirtless more and more just to watch me ogle, which I do, with no shame. Especially when he’s sweating, looking like he’s just conquered a thousand pushups. “Red or blue?”

I lift a brow. “What?”

He smiles. “Red or blue?”

I snort. “Blue?” 

“Seafood or steak?”

I cock my head to the side. “Is this how you're planning our night? Twenty questions?”

His grin widens. My eyes fall to his chest, his abs, back up to his lips, then his eyes as he asks, “Seafood or steak?”

I think about it for a second. “Steak.” 

“Inside or outside?”

Thinking about the warm, clear day we’ve had, I say, “Outside.”

“I’m getting in the shower.” With a wink, he’s gone.

I decide I should probably start getting ready too and close my laptop, deciding to ignore all work related bullshit for the rest of the night. Tonight is about me and Cassian, and everything else officially doesn’t exist. 

When I enter our bedroom, the bathroom door is cracked and I can see the inside getting steamy from the shower. Gray pants and a navy blue button down are sitting on the bed. 

I’m glad I went with blue.

I grab a brush from my nightstand before sitting at my vanity and setting out what makeup I’m going to use. I need to wash my face first, and glance towards the bathroom door that’s slightly ajar. Surely if he left it open, he doesn’t mind if I go in.

Right?

After debating it for far too long, I walk to the bathroom door and softly knock, nudging it open an inch or two more as I do so.

“Yeah?”

“I need to wash my face,” I say, peeking my head in.

The shower door opens just a bit and out pops his arm, my bottle of face wash in his hand.

I take the bottle, doing my best not to look at the expanse of toned skin and dark ink on display, but failing miserably.

Gods, he’s mouthwatering.

Heading straight for the sink, I turn it on and wet my face. As I squeeze a good amount of the product onto my fingers and form a lather, I clear my throat. “So is our game of twenty questions over or will there be more?”

Cassian chuckles and the sound makes my nipples tighten. A husky laugh shouldn’t undo me so easily, but gods, it’s been so long. “There are a few more,” he says, as I scrub. “But I was going to wait until we were on the way to ask.”

After rinsing my face and drying it off with a hand towel, I turn to lean against the bathroom counter. “And if I have one for you?”

The water shuts off and the bathroom becomes unnervingly quiet for a moment as Cassian towels off. The shower door opens and he’s once again wearing nothing but that towel slung low on his hips. The well defined muscles leading down into the towel may as well be an arrow pointing at his cock because it’s all I can focus on.

“Nesta?”

Right, I said I was going to ask him a question.

Clearing my throat, I ask, “Legs or breasts?”

The only sound is the shower head slowly dripping water onto the tile floor. Cassian blinks, likely making sure he heard me right. “What?”

“Legs or breasts,” I repeat, heading for my closet.

“Are we going to KFC on the way home?” He asks, shaking his head.

I can’t help my own laugh as I look at him. “Just pick one, you ass.”

“Breasts.” His eyes are focused on my face, trying his hardest not to let his gaze dip to the aforementioned part of my body.

“Okay,” I smirk, stepping into my closet.

I can still feel him watching me as I disappear into my chaos of clothing, searching for a dress that shows off my best assets. A few come to mind, but there’s one in particular that I’m hoping to dig out for tonight’s occasion. It takes me a minute to find it, and when I take it out of the closet, my face now clean, Cassian’s still standing there in the bathroom, that fucking towel still barely hiding all that’s beneath. 

I wonder what he would do if I kissed him. Without warning, if I just grabbed his face and kissed him, I wonder how he would react. It’s ridiculous, being nervous to kiss your own husband, but I am. His eyes dart to the dress that’s hanging on the hanger in my hand. His eyes darken. He knows exactly what dress this is. 

“Give me half an hour, and I’ll be ready,” I say, as I go by him, into the bedroom. When I look over my shoulder, his eyes are on my ass.

They snap up to mine and he clears his throat. I try to ignore the fact that I can see something happening beneath that towel of his, even though it causes a longing throughout my body that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. “Sounds good. Yeah, me too.”

I leave him in the bathroom and sit at my vanity, getting to work on my appearance. Cassian’s voice comes from the bathroom. “Twenty questions — clean shave or no?”

I laugh quietly to myself. I like this little game we’re playing. As I dab on my foundation, I say, “Keep the scruff.” 

He comes out a few minutes later, his long, wavy hair brushed and dried and loose above his shoulders. He notices me looking and smiles as he takes his clothes off the bed and goes back to the bathroom. I suddenly realize how much I wanted him to drop that towel, right here, right now.

I focus on my eyeshadow. 

Once I’m done with my makeup, I brush through my hair and add a few more curls since some had fallen loose before spraying it. 

I’m halfway into my dress when the bathroom door opens again, and Cassian is dressed to perfection. He smells phenomenal, like my favorite cologne. When he sees me, he stops.

“Perfect timing,” I say, although I find it hard to find my voice. “Help me zip?”

I turn around and move my hair out of the way. For a moment, he doesn’t come, but then he’s moving toward me, silently. 

He finds the zipper that’s just above my waist, and my breath catches as his fingertips brush the bare skin of my lower back. He takes his time, and every time his fingers make contact with my skin, an ache that’s newly been awakened throbs between my thighs. 

I never thought zipping up my dress would be erotic. I was wrong.

“Ready?” He asks, hands still lingering on my waist.

Ready to throw you down on the bed and say to hell with our date.

I smile at him in the mirror and shake my head. “Almost.”

He steps back, letting me cross the room to my jewelry box. I retrieve a necklace he gave me for our anniversary a few years back. I don’t wear it often, despite loving it, because of the length of the chain. The diamond pendant fell right between breast and as I fluff my hair out around me, I turn and face my husband.

“Now I’m ready,” I say and I don’t know why I sound so breathless.

Okay, I do. If Cassian’s gaze could set something on fire, my dress would be ashes.

Silently, he holds out his hand. I take it, loving the feel of his rough callouses against my skin. I don’t let myself think about how those hands feel on other parts of my body, despite it having been months since I felt them.

Once downstairs, he swipes his keys and wallet, and then we’re headed to the restaurant.

He takes me to one of the best steakhouses in Velaris and we sit on the roof, where string lights and live music surrounds our candlelit table. The conversation is easy, nothing is forced, and it’s like a breath of fresh air.

We talk about our most memorable dates, once Cassian mentioned that one time we skipped a group date because we saw a new taco stand on the way and ate there instead, just the two of us. We sat on the steps of the art museum, dressed in some of our finest, eating a heap of messy tacos. That had been about eight years ago, and I hadn’t realized just how much time has passed between the two of us.

Nearly ten years of marriage.

A decade since we swore our lives to one another.

And I almost let it all go. Looking at my husband across the table, I don’t know how I could have ever been so foolish, so selfish.

He sees me watching him and smiles, setting his fork down, his plate now cleared. I take a sip of my wine. He refills it once it’s almost empty, until the bottle that the waiter left us is almost gone.

After calling for the check, Cassian looks up at me. “Should we head home or walk around for a bit?”

I set down my empty wine glass. “Is this a part of twenty questions?”

He chuckles. “I haven’t exceeded twenty questions yet?”

I shake my head.

“Then yes,” he says, quietly, the toe of his boot nudging the toe of my stiletto. 

“A little walk sounds nice,” I say, afraid that when we get back home we’ll fall back into our polite small talk. Small talk isn’t bad, but this easy conversation we’ve had between us today… I like it.

We walk along the Sidra, the warm, clear day making way for a beautiful night, and I listen as Cassian regales me with tales of a new chef at the restaurant. She’s young and has never had an official kitchen job before, only graduating from culinary school the year before. I glance over at him, with lips pursed. He usually isn’t willing to put his restaurant’s reputation on the line like that. His chefs and sous chefs all have long lists of accomplishments and recognition, upholding the notoriety he’s earned.

We walk on, pausing at an ice cream stand to get to two cones.

“What?”

I look over at him and he’s already watching me as we walk.

I repeat his question. “What?”

He reached out and skims a thumb over my brow. “You’re thinking too hard about something.”

I push him away, rolling my eyes, but he catches my hand and we’re heading back towards the car.

“What’s on your mind, Nes?” He pushes, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into the back of my hand.

For a brief second, I consider lying to him. I could tell him it’s nothing, tell him there really isn’t anything on my mind. But we haven’t gone through four weeks of marriage counseling for nothing.

“I just… This new girl, Emerie,” I start, hoping he doesn’t see my question as a sign of jealousy. “What exactly made you bring her on? She’s pretty green, as far as your assistant chefs go.”

I don’t think there’s any nefarious reasoning behind his hiring her. I just don’t understand his sudden change in pace.

He’s quiet a minute, which only makes my nerves ratchet higher. When he finally speaks, his words are low, almost too soft to hear over the sound of the city around us. “She’s from the same small town as I am. Similar upbringing, no dad, single mom that worked way too much.”

My heart fractured a bit inside my chest.

I stop, tugging on his hand to make him stop, too. I look at him. Really look at him. My husband is a damn good man. I’ve always known it, and I know that he’s proud of his past, although a lot of it is tragic. He loved his mother, before she passed, considering she had raised him on her own and fought tooth and nail for everything they had. It would make sense he would be sympathetic for someone of a very similar life. 

When it’s clear I’m not saying anything, because I truly cannot find the words, his brows furrow. Before he can ask me what’s wrong, I lean up on my toes and press my lips to his cheek. He inhales, as if he’s shocked, and I let the kiss linger against his warm, stubbled cheek. Our hands remain clasped together and when I lean back, his eyes are searching mine.

“You’re a good man,” I say, my voice hoarse. “And a good boss.”

He swallows, but he nods as he brushes his thumb over the back of my hand. “Thanks, sweetheart.”

Sweetheart. 

I want to yank his mouth down to mine, but this moment is cherished and I don’t want to overstep, don’t want to ruin what we’ve built here. I give him a smile and we resume our walk. 

I make a note to stop by the restaurant this week and meet Emerie as we find our way back to the truck. Cassian helps me inside the cab and his hand lingers on mine, even after I’ve sat, before he closes the door and finds his way behind the wheel. 

We listen to music on the way home and he makes me laugh when he sings along to some nineties R&B song that definitely should’ve been left in the nineties. He catches me watching him on more than one occasion, and his smile softens every time he does. 

When we’ve made it home and witnessed Greg sprawled out next to the fruit bowl on the island, Cassian says, “I had a really good time tonight.”

“Yeah,” I say, setting my clutch on the counter. “It was a good night.”

He nods, and for a moment we just stand in the silence, staring at one another. He’s the one to break it.

“I have to be at the restaurant early tomorrow,” he says, but he’s stepped closer to me. “I should get ready for bed.”

“Right.” I clear my throat, not sure what to say, as I edge around the island, closer to him. “I have to go in early, too.”

Meetings with my manager and the publishing company start tomorrow. I have no idea where the future of my books are with this company, but they have to understand that I can’t keep putting out the same volume of content out. Not if I have any hope of salvaging my marriage.

He sets his keys in the center of the island, which puts him right in front of me. Staring up at him, I watch as his eyes dip down to my lips and his Adam’s apple bobs. “Can I…kiss you?”

I nod, not trusting my voice, holding my breath. He leans in and my eyes fall closed.

After a second, his lips press against mine and I’m lost. It’s been so long since he’s kissed me. I’d forgotten how soft his lips were, how heady his cologne made me feel, the feel of his arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me close.

I melt into him, losing myself in the feel of his kiss, clinging to his shirt with both hands.

It’s over as quickly as it began.

When he pulls back, his hazel eyes are bright and he’s breathing heavily. I want to pull his face back to mine, want to grab him and drag him upstairs with me.

But Gwyn told us to hold off on sex.

Reaching up, I caress his stubbled cheek. “We should get to bed.”

He nods and swallows, not making a move to let me go any more than I’m making a move to let him go. I can tell his self control is on a short leash, just as mine is. So I step back and make my way upstairs.

He’s just behind me.

When we’ve reached our bedroom, Cassian quickly brushes his teeth before getting a pair of sweatpants. I’m watching him on the bed the entire time, suddenly not trusting myself to be too close to him. Before he leaves to go downstairs, he kisses my forehead, quickly. “Night, Nes.”

“Goodnight,” I say, but barely anything is audible as the word leaves my mouth. He leaves, and I feel empty once I’m alone. 

After stripping out of my dress and pulling on an old t-shirt, I wash my face and brush my teeth, and bury myself beneath the blankets of our bed. I miss Cassian sleeping next to me. Tonight, more than ever, the bed feels lonely. 

My heart is racing and I’m not tired in the slightest, despite the fact that I know I need to go to bed. I need to be well rested to deal with Eris’ shit in the morning.

But I can’t stop thinking about my husband, sleeping on the couch downstairs. I wonder if he wants to come up here, wants to climb into bed with me, wants to hold me until the sun comes up tomorrow morning.

I want his body pressed up against me.

I want to feel his skin on mine.

Fuck, the throbbing between my thighs is unbearable. I don’t want to touch myself, I want to run downstairs and have him touch me, taste me, fuck me until I can’t think straight. I’m not thinking straight now, I’m too horny, too needy.

It’s been too damn long.

But Gwyn is right. Nothing should be rushed. We need to wait until we’re good again, until we’re back to being Nesta and Cassian.

That doesn’t mean that he can’t sleep in his own bed, though.

Sex may be off the table, at least for now, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t share the same bed.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed before I can think better of it. The house is quiet as I make my way to the door and push it open. Everything’s dark, and I try to be as quiet as possible as I make my way down the hall. At the top of the stairs, I stop, making out Cassian’s massive figure on the couch. There’s no way he’s comfortable. Half of him is nearly hanging off of it. 

But he’s asleep.

At least, I think he’s asleep. The living room is dark, silent. He’s not moving. I think about walking down the stairs anyway, to brush his hair off his face and ask if he wants to join me, but I can’t seem to convince my feet to move. If he’s already asleep, he’s apparently not having the same internal crisis that I am. 

Silently, I turn around and go back to bed, careful not to make any noise, careful not to wake him. 

When I’m back beneath the blankets, I slip my hand beneath my panties and rub one out until that throbbing ache between my thighs is no more. 

[mooneln0ne]

The saddest thing is Luffy is absolutely fucked up about Marineford still but like. He's not allowed to show it because he's the captain he has to be strong and he HAS to be okay for the crew's sake so he's stuck pretending that he's fine

Everytime I think of marineford I’m actually gripping my arm chair so hard that it might break 💥💥

Luffy literally almost died in Impel down and wasted 10 years of his life span to get to Ace and make sure he lives, but what happened? Ace dies— he dies in front of him specifically, he saw Akainu’s fist punch through Ace easily and he couldn’t do anything about it but watch Ace die because he wasn't strong enough to get out of the way 💥 He literally fought nail and tooth to get down into Impel down and clawed his way up to Marineford to just be shown how all his work was for nothing.

This event was so impactful to Luffy that it made him grow to mature a bit more because he is a pirate, and he is a captain of a crew that declared war against the government. Luffy may be dumb sometimes but he absolutely understands the weight and responsibility as a captain and undeniably believes he needs to be stronger for his crew so he can’t loose them again like in Saobody and like Ace in Marineford..

But ofcourse, because the strawhats are literally the epitome of found family, they’ll be there for Luffy to cry a shoulder on if he wants to. They know Luffy wont heal right away but he’ll be able to bounce back, and they’ll be there to make sure he doesn’t overdue it too much.

[oreo-creampie]

Heeey, I'm sorry you're becoming disenfranchised with fandom at the moment, it happens to the best of us. Just know what ever you choose to do, stay or go, we love and support you 😙😙😙

Hi sweetness and thank you! I really don't want to loose my love for the show simple because of the fandom. But everytime I go through the tags or my feed I come across something so incredible toxic and it makes me wanna log off n do something else

I enjoy the characters of the show so much. So maybe I just need to stay within my own little bubble, enjoy the show for what it is, talk to a few people about the show and stay out of major part of the fandom (aka ignore the fuck outta my dash and any tags)

Part of me has been thinking about writing for other fandoms and leaving jjk behind for a while. At the same time I still have several ideas for the characters. But I enjoy other fandoms way way more

It could be cause jjk is the biggest fandom there is which comes with it’s natural set if discourse. And so I'm not used to so much fandom discourse going on 24/7

Plus the whole can black writers not write because xyz and then seeing people agree makes me feel very very unwelcomed. And Im not the type of person to stay where I'm not wanted

im a black person who is hypersexual. I don't spit on those or look down at people are aren't hypersexual. Why should I? Different walks of life fit different type of people. It doesn't make anyone any better simply because they don't like smut fics as much as the rest

I don't understand the reason of complaining about other people not creating what they want to see. And expecting other people to feel shame over being overly sexual with their fics simple because you want hand holding and kissing

I do agree that smut fics get a lot more attention than fluff. But if they want fluff please create it. It seems there is a growing amount of people very upset cause they want to see more fluff fics but most of them don't want to create it themselves

I do some writers on a high horse looking down at smut writers. Which I don't understand at all? No genre of fanfiction is superior to the other, we can all have our preferences to what we prefer but that doesn't make them the best option.

There is also the whole big issue of black women have been fighting stereotypes for so long. So many people of color have as well. We can all understand how they are harmful to type a whole group as something.

Not all black woman are hyper sexual clearly by the amount of non hyper sexual black women who want fluff. And so what if a black woman is hyper sexual? Would they have less of a problem with it if it was a women of a different ethnicity being hyper sexual?

Or is it the hyper sexual that they look down on as a whole? Simply because they aren’t that sexual they get to look down on those who are?

I guess their problem with hypersexually could steam from the fear of the stereotype. Since hypersexuality is apart of that and they don't want hyper sexual black woman to represent them and it to go around still that all black woman are hypersexual.

To this to I say that a group of hyper sexual black woman should not be viewed as the representation of the whole. By this year of 2024 we should be coming to the point of realizing that there are gonna be various types of people with various interest, morals, sex drive and sexuality are all the same skin tone. And they do not speak for each other

Also what does someone skin tone have to do with someone sex drive? Can a girly pop be horny in peace without seeing it’s wrong cause I'm black and upholding a dangerous stereotype?

Anyway after this long rant cause it looks like I've had a lot building up. Thank you sweetness

[jareicanon]

SAME ANON HERE it would be nice if you put it in a full post! mai akasaki who are uuuuuuuu

NO WORRIES sorry this took so long I forgot how to access my asks

Mai Akasaki

Ultimate ???

“Anything, anything at all…” <- prev quote

“There’s a way for you to be happy.” <- new quote!!! (revising it after the mv, and how david’s quote here seems to suggest he wants forgiveness (?) maybe this is a small message to him? but that’s just speculation)

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 124 lbs

Chest: 30 in

Birthday: February 1st

Likes: Phone charms

Dislikes: Silence

-

Okay from here it’s stuff I’ve found over time and/or copied over (like in a panic to keep it before I lost it — back then I didn’t have much social media and i loose screenshots) I’m not sure where this came from bc it’s legit nearly been a year I think, but if anyone knows the origin (who found it) lmk and I’ll add credit :)

-

Typing in https://danganronpadespairtime.tumblr.com/maiakasaki into a search bar nets the following:

“All you have to do is ask for my hand, and I’ll give it to you.

Ask for my life, and I’ll give it to you as well.

Don’t apologize for asking. I’ll give you my forgiveness too.”

Bold letters: Aoaviepkro

And further examination of the elements yeilds this:

“Are you still searching for a secret? For some explanation that will satisfy you? There’s no answer I can give you that will make you happy. Maybe I should have lied instead. I’m sorry.”

-

Typing in https://danganronpadespairtime.tumblr.com/AOAVIEPKRO into a search bar gets you Mai’s actual character page. Different things are shown every time you refresh the page as a result of the coding, but each quote is attached to a name in the code. The quotes are as following:

Teruko: Some years ago, she was searching for someone named ‘Teruko Tawaki.’

Charles: A girl who loves her family.

Rose: She remembers everything that is important to others.

Arturo: A girl who sees the beauty in everyone.

Levi: A girl with a floral tattoo on her arm.

Whit: A girl with many friends.

Eden: She kept calling the number, even though no one picked it up.

J: She kept it a secret, and told no one.

Hu: A girl who wanted to keep everyone safe.

Nico: Everyone confided in her.

Ace: A girl who had a bright future.

Arei: She doesn’t like it when her friends fight.

Min: An average girl with nothing special at all about her.

Xander: She couldn’t stand to do nothing.

Veronika: A girl who didn’t foresee the consequences.

David: She forgives everyone.

MonoTV: It’s all your fault.

-

The about page for the series also contains hidden text:

“You don’t understand, do you? I used to be like you. I barely remember, but I used to be like you. I cared so much about people, I cried everytime someone was hurt. I suffered for a long time stuck in here caring about people.

I know what you’re going through. You’re going to hold on as long as you have, with hope that you can make it out of here with everyone. Then you’re going to despair. That lasts a while, too.

Then you’ll get bored. Like me.

And you’ll wish you were still suffering. Anything else is better than boredom.

I wish I could feel something, anything else, other than being bored. I’m stuck in here for eternity, and I know everything that could possibly happen. I know how everyone reacts to a murder, what makes people turn to despair, what fills people with hope and make them survive until we all run out of food and starve to death.

I wish I could feel terrified, or afraid, or angry. But I can’t anymore. I don’t feel anything at all except boredom.

Do you understand, Teacher?

This is why I’m letting you suffer as long as possible. Because it’s better than the alternative.

I’m sorry. I don’t envy you.

You’ll understand eventually.”

Hope this helps!!

[twilight-deviant]

hello, let me say thank you for writing wilson/matt fics, that everytime you've updated made me feel so giddy it feels like christmas time. so i was wondering about your fic "first choice" do you have any ideas what happened after matt have his son? did he try to contact foggy again? is matt letting fisk around his son for good? is matt gonna be okay?

Anon, thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me this ask. You're so sweet. (❁´◡`❁) Deciding to stick with my FiskMatt rarepair feels so worth it when someone lets me know it means a lot to them.

And for this fic you're referring to, do I sound like a hack when I say "...I dunno"? 😂 Haha. I guess that's one thing I like about writing oneshots for Whumptober: I get to drop it and fade out like an 80s ballad. ✌ Because for some of these, I'm not sure where I would take it. I will try to make some educated guesses for you though.

(Disclaimer: Wrote fic 3 years ago. Trying to remember everything.)

I love writing mpreg Matt. I do have difficulty believing Matt would be a good parent. (At least at first.) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Not that Matt deserves such devotion at times, but is there anything Foggy won't forgive him for eventually? (Granted, sleeping with Fisk and having his child is probably high on that hypothetical list.) I don't know if Matt would contact him. Not only would he want to give Foggy space to be alone with his thoughts, but he has a newborn taking up his time. But yes, they would eventually work things out. Things would be tense for awhile though. But he loves being a godfather, and won't take Matt's stupid choices out on the kid. (Eventually. It is kinda hard to love Fisk spawn at first.)

I always have a few different directions for how FiskMatt pregnancy and parenthood might go. Sometimes, I think Matt would try to cut him out of his life (and the child's) entirely. Other times, I wonder if Matt would actually use a child as leverage to manipulate Fisk's rehabilitation from crime. He knows Fisk isn't all bad. Even if Fisk doesn't become a full upstanding citizen, maybe they could work to a loose joint-custody agreement. (Not in official legal documents though because Matt needs the option to revoke the privilege.) I know that fic is a bit dramatic, but I think the Fisk I wrote for it is a bit of a simp. I often think about how he quit crime in the comics (in Spider-Man before his DD debut) because Vanessa gave him an ultimatum. So, ya know, maybe Fisk gives in to Matt's demands.

It's Matt, so I don't think he'll ever be okay. 😅

[wisecrackingeric-2]

Oooooooooo. Oh no. I’m breaking my super mysterious persona to use tumblr as a personal trauma dumping diary aur naur !!!!!!!! Uh vent under cut but I really R E A L L Y Need to reiterate I’m not looking for pity or sympathy at all I just need a place to write all this down!!!!!! If you have advice ofc that’s always welcome but I’m not trying to centre myself at all or make anything about me I just need a space to vent !!!!!

I’m obviously not the first person to say this but I REALLY REALLY HATE the passage of time. I hate that it’s almost the new years and all of my art and posts and other peoples art is gonna be from last year or just have the ‘2023’ label on it. I hate that people are going to move on from my interests and I am TERRIFIED that IIIIIII may also move on. That scares me so unbelievably bad. I hate it so so much I hate that I can’t just pause time or pause my anxiety or autism or ocd to make me stop worrying for two seconds. I hate that so many things are gonna be in the past- like what do you MEAN re4r is gonna be a YEAR OLD in March of next year???????? I cant do that shit man!!!!!!! I can’t see people move on!!!!!!!!!

I HATE being reminded of how fickle everything is so so so SO much. Everytime E V E R Y T I M E something good happens to me, it’s paired with something bad- literally every time without fail. I hate that I can’t enjoy those good things cuz I’m subconsciously constantly waiting for something bad to happen.

For the first time since I came out to my parents in March 2022 I feel like I actually have a future to look forward to. I feel like I actually have things to work towards!!!!!! Projects I can start!!!!!!!! Friends to enjoy them with!!! Things to be EXCITED about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then like clockwork I’m brutally reminded of the fact that that could all come crashing down and all of my friends could dissapear off of the face of tumblr forever and it’s all fickle and delicate and why should I enjoy the present if I know bad things are gonna come right after???????????

I hate that this thing that’s brought me comfort and security in my life is so delicate. I could get hate crimed and ran off the internet like what happened on Twitter, my account could get deleted, Etc etc-

And worst of all I could loose my friends in the blink of an eye. They could take a break one day and never return. Something could happen to them and I’d never know. They could leave tumblr forever with no warning and I’d have no way of contacting them whatsoever. It’s happened before to me and it caused me SO much anxiety. I’ve had friends who’ve gone on breaks only to pass away and it leaves me wishing I’d DONE ANYTHING to help them or wishing that I spent more time with them or told them I loved them just a lil mroe

I’ve been so stressed out trying to finish as much stuff as I can before the end of the year cuz of arbitrary rules I’ve set for myself. This is the first time I get to be excited for the future yet I’m constantly knocked down and reminded WHY I SHOULDNT be excited.

Everything’s moving on and everything’s so delicate it could all slip away from me in a the blink of an eye and getting to the end of the year and seeing friends take breaks or say that they may have to leave for whatever reason is only making that anxiety worse.

Not to mention my goddamn parents got a divorce. I havent talked about it hete often cuz I feel like if I did it’d be all I talked about NDNEHENEJWN but it’s taken a MASSIVE toll on me. The fact that they’ll never be the same and I’ll never feel completely secure in life ever again has taken its toll on me.

I hate that there’s no solution to this. ‘Just move on/keep going in spite’ doesn’t work for me. I don’t WANT things to move on I don’t WANT things to change I don’t WANT to loose my friends and the community I’ve worked so hard to build and everything I’ve created again. I don’t wanna move on and it hurts so bad.

I don’t want the new years to roll around.

[godmona]

i know this is on my new account so i dont have a lot of my followers here yet, but i will be reblogging this post on all of my blogs i have. life update, whatever you want to call it. heart failure, sickness, hospital, surgery and just death stuff in general.

in november, my dad collapsed in the house and had to go to the er by ambulance. he’s been dealing with heart failure for years, had open heart surgery back in like 2010, and had a defibrillator put in. he’s never gone back in to have the defibrillator batteries replaced and his heart has been getting worse over the years with age. in november, we finally were able to convince him to have the surgery to do that. it went great!! his heart started to work a little better and catching up with his body. last week, my mom called me to say that he couldn’t breathe, and she convinced him to go back to the hospital via an ambulance again. it’s not good. his liver is failing. both his kidneys are failing. so everything your kidneys are supposed to filter out is just sitting in his body. he has had a breathing tube down his throat for almost a week and they have to take it out soon or it’s going to cause permanent damage or they’re going to have to put a permanent one in, which he’s already said no to. he’s stable, but he’s stable because the machines he’s on are doing all the work for his body right now. my sister is down there with my family ( they live in another state ) and my job basically told me to go fuck myself as far as going down there right now. it’s not good, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better. he's conscious, but with the breathing tube in his throat he can only answer yes or no questions. again, my sister is down there, but me and my sister both know that he doesn't want to live on life support and stuff like that. on top of that, there's the problem with what to do with our mother. me and my sister are not close to her, we do not care about her, we've been trying to go no contact but haven't because we love our dad. she's never worked a day in her life, and is completely useless in literally everything. once something happens to my dad, we have no idea what the fuck to do with her. and everytime she calls me to update me on my dad's condition, she immeditely makes it about herself when we've told her this was coming years ago. she should have figured something out. i'm not using the money i make to take care of a grown 44 year old fucking woman. i’m completely helpless in the situation, and i’ve never lost a family member i knew or was close to before, let alone a parent. it is hard to exist, let alone be online. i see my notifications of tumblr and discord and i’m sorry if it looks like i’m ignoring you or something but i genuinely do not have the energy for anyone except my partners right now. i’m trying so hard to figure out a way to go do down there ( probably for a funeral because it doesn’t look like he’s going to make it to the end of the year ) without loosing my job because i do not have an immediate new job to set up to go to. it would be different if i needed time off to go to a funeral in the same state, but its in another state, so money and travel time. in the end, if they’ve got a problem with me going to my father’s funeral, i will be quitting my job as well. which we all know how the job search is, and the financial strains on households as it is. im barely getting up enough in the morning to go to work in retail without having a breakdown of the stuff going on. so this is that update. please don’t expect much from me right now.

[alixstardust]

OKAY LETS FUCKING GO I LOVE BSD

LETS TALK ABOUT SIGMA!!!!

Imagine waking up, alone, you dont remember anything about your life and you are completely lost.

You just want something to make your life something worth it, dont you?

But the point is, he didnt even "woke up". He just spawned(?), he didnt live at all. Because of his innocence, he was used by literally everyone he thought would love him by who he was.

But who he actually was?

He's three years old (kind of), but with a mind of an adult. And i think thats something really relatable if you think about that as a metaphor. Desperately wanting something to call yours, something that makes live worth living.

You found it. Congratulations. But now, protect it with your life! And suddenly you have a reason to live.

Sometimes i think every bsd character is like a really deep part of me, so i can really easily associate them. For exemple, Sigma tries to protect his only important thing (the cassino) with his life, just like Kunikida's life doenst make sense without his ideals and he got a hard time trying to accept that his ideals can be impossible and "wrong". Every bsd character have a really clear reason to keep living and doing what they are supposed to, and i think thats a really human thing about them.

Everytime we try to found something to live for, "life goals". Its a really dangerous thing 'cause life literally doesn't have any sense or a right goal we should achieve. Its frustating when we cant achieve our dreams or when our goal doesnt make sense at all, and thats what happened to our dear Sigma.

When we loose our most important thing (being a person, an animal, a personality trait or any other thing), its like we are loosing ourselves.

We can see in some chapters Sigma's indifference about death. Its really worth it when we dont have anyone? When we dont have a reason? When everytime we try to be happy or live a memorable life, we end up being used and betrayed?

You can say, in fact, that its worth it but its something really hard to belive.

Its depressing when, the reason why you were created its based in some guy's plan to rule the world or something crazy (like, asagiri please drop the bsd lore??). He shouldn't exist, and he probably wouldnt. He didn't even existed for a long time, until he had to exist to perform his mission, his role in the plan.

He doesnt lived at all? Or he doesnt remember his life? Does it really matter?

If nobody remembers you, are you even living?

And if you wasnt living, what makes you human?

thats not all that i have to say but!!!! my english is really bad and i dont have enough vocabulary for what i want to say!!! so maybe later

thank you for reading and please someone to share the love that i have for this anime I CANT

maybe when i finish stormbringer and beast i will do one of these to chuuya or dazai !!

he's so me fr fr

[asmodeuscouncil]

Hello! I figured I would make a tumblr to just put some stuff I write out there so to kick it off here’s this. (I’m doing October prompts but just picking from whatever I feel most motivated for)

Day 1: Dream

“I’ve been having this dream lately. It starts everytime I close my eyes. I’m running across rooftops. My arms barely hanging on as the jostling from each and every jump causes pain to shoot through me. I can’t stop though. No matter how tired I get. No matter how many times I slip. I must keep running. It always ends when I finally can’t run anymore and I don’t know what happens but when I wake up…I’m in a cold sweat. It feels like my heart stops just before I wake up” A middle aged man sitting in a burgundy lounge chair spoke towards the person sitting across from him.

Said person being a young man, no older than 23, in a dark blue suit with a black tie. The young man’s expression one of calmness as he listened to the older man’s concerns. Though his hand was anything but calm as he wrote things down, about what the middle aged man couldn’t tell. “Are you sure there is nothing that is causing your dream? No kind of stress or maybe a problem you haven’t dealt with?”

The man shakes his head before looking at his hands. “No Doc and honestly I have no clue how much longer I can take this! I hardly get any sleep anymore. I sleep for only an hour before I wake up no matter how much I try to stay asleep!”

The young man takes his time to respond before he sets down his paper and pen. “Well then as a psychiatrist I can’t help you any further. I can tell the problem stems from something but it seems you are repressing it so much that even our previous sessions attempt at trying to unrepress even a small detail failed”

The middle aged man blanked hearing the doctor’s words. “Please Dr. Matthews! There has got to be something we haven’t tried! Maybe I should sleep in the office again!” He cries out trying to find something that they could try to get rid of this nightmare that was plaguing him. His finger nails threatening to tear into the armchair from him gripping the chair so hard.

“Hold on I said as a psychiatrist. I still have something that might work but…it’s considered unorthodox” Matthews said as he rose from his chair. His footsteps eerily quiet as he grabs a box from a shelf. It was bound in twine and covered in wax “This is a dream catcher. Not one of those ones you’ll find easily though. Even I had trouble getting just this one.” He sets the box down in front of the middle aged man.

A strange allure came over the box in the man’s eyes. “I will warn you though. You must clean this as instructed on the paper I am going to give you. You must do it twice monthly or else it may end up loosing its effect”

The serious tone of Matthews made the man have a moment of thought. Though it didn’t take him long to grab the box from the table. “So I just have to make sure to clean it and this dream will be gone?”

Dr. Matthews nodded as he grabbed a piece of paper and started writing. “Yes but you must follow these instructions exactly. Otherwise it won’t work any longer” A small smirk appeared and disappeared from his face as he spoke. Sadly the man didn’t notice it as he looked down at the box as if it was a life jacket being tossed to him as he drowned.

“Will I have to give this back?” The man asked hoping the answer would be no. Even if it would get rid of his dreams completely within a month or two as he naively thought this was a normal treatment. The man still thought it would be a hassle to return it.

“Oh no you won’t have to since I’ll call to see how everything is going periodically to see how everything is going. If it keeps working you’ll keep it for 5 years and by then your dream should be gone completely and I’ll come take it off your hands” The tone of his voice only barely giving the man a sense of unease.

So naively the man takes the box and the paper Dr. Matthews hands to him and goes on his merry way. Of course he diligently follows the paper. Pouting over it the night before each day he decides to clean it. He even makes sure to set a reminder on his phone. It’s set an hour before hand so he can get everything ready and have all the time to start cleaning it he needs, and for that time? He sleeps soundly. No horrible dream. No startled wake ups. No moments in the middle of the night where he wonders where he is before calming down. Just rest and relaxation.

Though…how long could that last for a man as busy as he? His schedule being so packed before hand that it couldn’t possibly handle something so time consuming.

He was running late to a meeting. The reminder’s chime just serving to amplify his frustration as he rushes out the door having finished getting ready. The meeting being one of his many long, dragged out, and exhausting ones that made it impossible to do anything else afterwards. Of course by the time the sun came up he realized what he had done and hurriedly cleaned the dream catcher. Sadly for him though this was the beginning of it failing. As it had developing a small almost unnoticeable crack in it. One that would hard to notice if you weren’t looking carefully.

Of course the man being so worried about doing something wrong noticed it write away and called Dr. Matthews. The doctor did his best to try and calm the man but in the end the man hung up. His anxiety making it that he cleaned the dream catcher every day. He didn’t even care if he was late to a meeting and simply thought up an excuse. This continued on for a few months. It was almost a year but sadly misfortune struck the man and he ended up in the hospital. His dream catcher unattended as he recovered.

The man worried and worried. His mind racing with what would happen to it as he recovered. His stress only making his recovery last longer. Thankfully he managed to convince himself that once he was out of the hospital he would wash the dream catcher multiple times to make up for all that he had missed. His body finally relaxing. Sadly for him the dream catcher broke more and more. It got to the point that the crack was taking up most of the exposed wood.

With the crack being that big the dream catcher started to drip. Not water, no. Something far darker. Something that seemed to suck the color from the room. Something that was almost as if light couldn’t escape the drop. The longer the man stayed in the hospital the bigger the crack grew and the faster the drops fell.

When the man finally got back to his apartment he hurriedly checked the dream catcher and seeing it’s state left him in deep shock. He rushed to clean it but no matter how he cleaned it the dream catcher still dripped. He tried to catch the droplets with a bucket but the bucket simply filled up. It got to the point the man simply put it in the bathroom above the tub so they would drain into the water.

With that weighing on his mind he continued to work but his mind couldn’t focus on it. The dream catcher took over his waking thoughts as he worried about it. He ended up going back to cleaning it once a month. Not out of laziness but out of necessity to keep his job. His boss had said in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t work on his attitude he might not have a place in this company any longer. This caused the man to have a new fear that overtook the fear of the dream catcher not working which was the final nail in his coffin.

At first it was only that he would forget it in the morning. Slowly it kept getting pushed back and pushed back and pushed back until he wasn’t cleaning it at all. The drops before and more frequent until the crack cleanly split the wood of the dream catcher. The drops forming a small leak at this point. Unknown to the man however, a small tendril made of the same substance as the drops oozed it’s way out of the dream catcher. Though it wasn’t unknown for long.

At night the man started hearing banging on the wall of his bathroom. Come morning nothing would be there but no matter how much he looked he never found the source and it would always come back the next night. At first it was hard to hear. He could barely make it out, but as the nights grew the sound grew louder. The banging keeping him up at night and driving him mad. His mind tormented by the noise not even noticing that the dream catcher by this point had broken and was starting to decay. By the time he did notice how’ve it was too late.

He was awoken by the banging but this time it didn’t stay banging as he soon heard a loud crash. His bathroom door flying across the hall as he watched it soar off its hinges and embed itself in his wall. He didn’t even need to know what was going on as he started running as fast as his legs could vary him. A new sound propel his legs forward through fear.

The sound of something wet hitting the ground as it came barreling towards him. The sound sounding like it was just barely faster than him. His legs putting as much effort as they could into propelling him away from the sound. It only drew closer. His hands reaching for the stair well railing as he descended as fast as he could. The sound echoing off the walls along with the sound of slime thing smacking into the walls of the stairwell. He didn’t even look back as he ran. His keys in his pants at the apartment so his car wouldn’t be able to start. His mind focusing on running. He manages to catch a glimpse of the thing producing the sound as he passes by a store. It’s hulking frame. It’s countless mouths all gnashing silently as it chases him. It’s eyes all focused on him. The most disturbing thing though was the body in the middle of it. It was clearly human but long deceased. The tendrils the creature was made up on feasting on it before his very eyes. The corpse however having its flesh regrow with every bite taken out of it.

Suddenly he made eye contact with the corpse and it was as if his brain was hijacked. His body out of his control as he kept running but tensing as he looses all sense of balance. A small pebble easily enough to take his feet out from under him and forcing him to crawl. The last thought of his mind being a prayer to any deity listening to save him. His prayer was left unanswered as the creature finally partook if it’s new meal and slowly condensing itself down. It’s liquid flowing towards it from all directions as it becomes a simple and plain dream catcher once more.

A young man walks by with a smirk. His dark blue suit and tie blending in the with the night sky. He reaches down and picked up the dream catcher. “Will they never learn?” He speaks into the air as if someone was listening to him that night. A small whistle escaping his lips as he slowly made his way through the streets.