#i live in fear and i an deeply unwell

[morbid248]

Thinking about radio songs in malevolent and just,,

We start with 'you call it madness, I call it love'. This feels very apt for the first 4 seasons, when thinking about Arthur and John's struggle between madness and love. It's a song about love and loss and one person being all you dream of despite everything, even if it's crazy. It's about devotion, and betrayed trust, and learning the true nature of love. How it creeps up on you slowly until you finally meet the person you grow to love, and you build yourselves around each other until you're inseparable. How even after they hurt you, even if they call it madness, in the end, you still love them. And by season 5, they've both accepted that they love each other and they would rather die than separate, than lose each other.

But not only that, this song is a sweet love ballad. A real slowdance type song. Something dreamy and romantic.

But 'come easy go easy love'? Almost the exact opposite. Not only is it incredibly upbeat, but the lyrics? The theme? The song is about rejecting the idea of long-lasting love and embracing modern ideals. The song says you cant form regrets if you never let anyone get close. You don't have to waste time on forming bonds, you can be free and independent, and you wont be sad or in pain if you have no one to reminisce about. Never sticking around, never being there, never caring.

If 'you call it madness I call it love's about love and devotion, 'come easy go easy love' is about flippant indifference.

All in all, I am not a patron and i am terrified for what this means for the next episode

[lloydfrontera]

expanding on this when damian kisses rakiel he is so gentle about it. he almost always lets rakiel take the lead, rarely initiating anything himself even when he aches for it. and when he does it's little more than the flutter of lips on rakiel's skin, sometimes on his cheek, rarely on his lips and only in very special occasions on his neck right where he can feel his pulse strong and steady. but more often that not he will take rakiel's hand and kiss it, letting himself enjoy the way it lets him look at the effect it has on rakiel whenever he does it. and oh does it have an effect on rakiel.

on the other side of the equation rakiel kisses damian like he wants to eat him. he presses himself against him like he wants to crawl under his skin and make his home there. he explores every inch of him and maps him out until he has his favorites spots memorized. sometimes he doesn't so much kiss as much as he chews on damian, leaving a trail of bite marks and bruises all over his body. he loves finding just the right places to touch and kiss that make him light up inside. he's remarkably professional during working hours for someone who is five seconds away from climbing his lover at all times.

[the-savage-dragon]

...I can't wait to tell my therapist about my 2014-2020 Tumblr lifespan

[pillowspace]

Do you have any info on the ISAT Audience of Vaugarde AU you'd be willing to share? (Only if you wanna!!) :o

I'm really curious about it, I have SO many questions

During the loops, Loop would only ever see the faintest signs of a presence, but nothing that'd confirm one. They always thought it was just a bad memory springing up, like a faint scent or the faintest whisper of a familiar voice. The Audience watched everything. Sometimes, some would follow behind Siffrin into the House, while someone else would remain with Loop at the Favor Tree. Loop was rarely ever left alone. I imagine that, whenever some would follow Siffrin, they saw things they would have rather not, but there's not much to do but chat amongst themselves and spectate. It does give perspective to what Loop may have gone through though, so it's not like they wouldn't Understand Loop by the time the loops were broken.

I have nothing to say about this, I just want to note that I need to draw the bad touch event someday with Loop and Isabeau just STARING from the tree like [Live Loop Reaction] and [Live Isabeau Reaction], it's really funny to me.

Nobody was really too sure what to call Loop during the loops, constantly hesitantly switching between names. Eventually Mirabelle suggested they just stick to Loop if they can't ask, so they did. But I'd like to imagine that, once before that, Loop had caught a close familiar whisper of "Siffrin" and felt... unwell.

AFTER 2hats but BEFORE Loop reappears in the world is what this first drawing is. It's Loop's "in this moment, you are loved," but it's so hazy that it might as well have been a dream for them. Think of it like how at the start of In Stars and Time, the star is shown being eaten, and Siffrin wakes up.

Loop's still in Vauguarde, but they have NO idea where they are when they wake up. Their head is human, but not the rest of their body. Their hair is long and tangled and greasy, as if their hair had always been growing just out of sight. Some sort of barrier has been broken between Loop and the Audience, so as the days pass, the voices slowly grow clearer, and Loop starts slowly... seeing things.

Loop needs somewhere to stay, so an older woman lets them stay at her house. Let's call herrrr... Smithing One?? This is only a temporary arrangement.

If I draw Loop with really messy greasy hair and little to no clothing, that's the stage in which Loop is deeply afraid of any sign of the Audience's company. Example from a previous drawing:

If I draw Loop with hair slightly better taken care of and in a headband holding the overgrown middle piece back, Loop's now tense and nervous around the Audience but won't panic anymore, and will often communicate back. (Note: don't interpret this as Loop not liking them! Loop loves them very deeply and suffered a lot of grief, there's just a lot of feelings of fear and reopened wounds clashing.) I think maybe partway through this stage, Loop leaves Smithing One's house to go travel. Example from a previous drawing:

There is a stage I haven't drawn yet where Loop is entirely happy with the Audience and a lot more healed. I'm guessing Loop will have a high ponytail, and some hair accessory holding back the middle piece or something like that. I would like to draw that at some point.

After learning that Loop can't handle being called Siffrin and is only settling for the mild discomfort "Loop" brings, Odile will start calling them Little Crow, as per chipper-smol's reply:

I'm out of things to mention honestly, feel free to ask whatever you want

OH yeah. By the way, I do want Loop and Siffrin to reunite at some point, I'm just not sure how yet... The thing is, the Audience isn't actually ghosts. They're LIKE ghosts, but they're not dead. As I've said, Loop's first wish to stay with their friends simply merged with their second wish for help, so the Audience is more so just oddly disconnected from reality. Maybe after a lot of time has passed, the Audience is so tangible that anyone can see them, even if they have a little bit of an off air to them (and maybe they still can vanish at will). So... surprise! Siffrin's party would eventually realize that they ALSO have alternate versions of themselves walking around. Ohhh wait, wouldn't it be fun if one accidentally met their clone in a public place before ever even being aware of Loop's supposed "audience"? And Siffrin never wanted to talk about Loop's business to his family, so they never even found out what Loop was at all? Something in me tells me that it'd be most fun for it to be the Mirabelles to spot each other first

...............okay, now I'm out of things to mention

[joicecubes]

this started as a twitter post but it got way too long

i feel. INSANE. ABOUT FIDDLESTAN YOU GUYS. i’ll admit i didn’t get it at first, like the original concept seems kinda bonkers, they never interact! what a silly rarepair! BUT NO. I SAW A SINGLE PIECE OF FANART AND IT WAS OVER FOR ME. IM HOOKED. im sorry i need to talk about them

my favorite set-up for fiddlestan, and the one i see most people going with, is the idea that fiddleford comes back to ford’s house after ford’s already been sucked through the portal, so he finds stan instead. and thats like such perfect/devastating (depending on how you look at it) timing because their wounds from ford are both so raw.

i feel like this is gonna get long so. gay rambling under the cut

on the one hand, they get from each other what they never got from ford. or at least, what they lost from ford. fiddleford wants love, he wants his unwavering devotion to ford to be reciprocated. and stan, being such a deeply lonely person, can give him that! what he wants is companionship. he wants a friend, like what he had in his brother. he wants forgiveness. and god, fiddleford is one of the kindest, most forgiving characters in the show. if anyone will see where stan is coming from, if anyone can extend forgiveness and understanding where ford fell flat, it’s fiddleford.

and while this exemplifies just how deeply they would need each other in this scenario, when you think about how tightly they both clung to ford, there presents a very real possibility that one or both of them would feel like ford’s replacement.

stan is ford’s twin. people have played with the idea that fiddleford would see a lot ford in stan, even though they may not be very similar in demeanor. they look the same. and deep down, they do have similarities. alex hirsch said in a dvd commentary that there is more of ford in stan than he even realizes, and fiddleford would probably see that. not to mention just how deeply he would miss him.

and when stan has always felt like a worse version of ford, you can imagine he might feel like a stand-in, especially as him and fiddleford get closer. fiddleford, whether he means to or not, would definitely see his best friend in stan. he has his face for god’s sake!! and would stan just accept it? would he be upset to be seen in this light, to act as a replacement, or would he accept that he’ll always be second to ford? either way is just. DEVASTATING. for fiddleford to unintentionally confirm all of stan’s deepest fears and insecurities…

and then there’s what fiddleford is to stan. while i don’t think fiddleford would feel as deeply a replacement as stan does, he IS a big fucking nerd. and stan probably begged him for help getting ford back when he found out that fiddleford is not only a scientist, but worked on the portal in the first place. and he of course wants ford back too, but it wouldn’t surprise me if fiddleford ends up feeling like stan only keeps him around for that purpose and that purpose alone. to learn more about ford, to live vicariously through him as ford’s best friend. because stan is desperate to know more about him, to satiate this need, this wound of missing his brother for over a decade.

god and all the little things too… fiddleford being riddled with anxiety and stan being able to ground him, to knock some much-needed sense into him the next time he wants to pick up that memory gun. stan struggling to take care of himself, to see his own self worth, and fiddleford being there to make sure he eats enough food, reminds him to shower, helps wash or cut his unkempt hair. falling asleep holding each other, because they need that comfort, that warmth, that heartbeat, to feel okay enough to rest.

ugh you could do sooo much with these bitches it drives me up the wall. i feel so unwell just thinking about them. i could yap even more but i’ll keep that for another post

[tabithatwo]

It’s actually so painfully brilliant the way yellowjackets sets up their un-stereotype-able characters. I could (and might) do this for all of them, but because she’s on my mind right now—the show tells us that jackie taylor is the type of girl who has high expectations put on her and WILL be analyzed constantly (from coach, her parents, jeff, shauna (if only by way of shauna’s reflective habits and her personal narrative construction), the team (by way of being captain).

Then they show us so many instances of Jackie being good and kind. Is she perfect? NO, BECAUSE THEN SHE’D BE ANOTHER STEREOTYPE (THE PERFECT DEAD GIRL/WIFE), SILLY! She has enough edge to be believable as a teenage girl.

And what do people do with that edge? They sharpen it and sharpen it and use it to cut out every moment where Jackie is being kind or trying her hardest! Because what do we like?? Feeling confident in our stereotypical assumptions of people! And what did the show do? Give us scenes with blocking that suggests the popular girl/loner best friend stereotype and absolutely turn them on their head, because what’s not very realistic?? The popular girl who is mean to her loser best friend stereotype in media! (Is it impossible in life? NO, nothing is! But it’s not a standard set up. It’s not as common as media makes it out to be.)

What is one of Jackie’s primary fears as a character? Being held to INSANELY high standards and not meeting them! And what do the viewers commonly do to jackie? Why, they hold her to INSANELY high standards and show how she doesn’t meet them, of course!

Jackie cannot slip up, every instance where she falls short is catalogued as a gotcha moment. She was never allowed to fully develop on the screen because we often get her through the filter of shauna.

She gets deeply depressed, that depression is largely ignored in the show (lottie doesn’t pitch in much either, but her brand of being unwell is observed and understood as existing more so than Jackie’s), and then it is often ignored by viewers (“why didn’t she just come inside, she’s stubborn and dumb!” rather than “wow, look at this consistent descent into deep depression and suicidal ideation we’ve seen since episode 3, culminating in Jackie choosing to stay outside, what can we glean from that?”)

Jackie dies and she is literally consumed in totality—her memory is obscured, the hallucination form of her is filtered through Shauna’s psyche, her corpse is a doll, her flesh is digested. And a photo of her at 18 years old is posted at the 25 year reunion, looking perfect, attached to nothing of her life or who she was, used to facilitate a dance between her ex boyfriend and her best friend, who betrayed her in a way that most people would never get over, (but as we’re shown in the death dream Jackie ultimately would).

Allie literally says, “While I know she isn’t here with us, I know that this is what Jackie would have wanted.” She says that! In the show! To punctuate the absurdity of it all! The very relationship that broke Jackie’s heart, crushed her spirit, destroyed her will to live, being touted as something she would’ve wanted to hundreds of people.

And if that doesn’t strike you as a fucking horrifying tragedy, as emblematic of the reduction of women to whatever those around them need them to be, in order to fit their narrative, in order to be useful to them, then baby this show is sailing over your head.

[aziraphales-library]

Hi hi hi! I’m looking for some longer hurt/comfort fics. I love angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, anything dealing with mental illness or unwellness, things like that. Preferably over 50k! Sorry if this is super specific! Doesn’t matter if it’s an AU or canon compliant. Thank you 💗

Hello. We have #angst, #hurt/comfort, #emotional hurt/comfort, and #mental health tags so check those out. Here are some 50k+ fics, at least some of which we have recommended before. Mind the tags on these!...

Sharp Objects by ElderlySardine (M)

Back in the mid-nineties, Aziraphale and Crowley had it all. They were friends, lovers, soulmates. Life was hard, but as long as they were together it didn't matter. Then in one catastrophic fight caused by Aziraphale's cruel, coercive brother Gabriel, the whole thing came crashing down. The boys parted company for good. Now it's 2021. Life has spun Crowley and Aziraphale in very different directions before throwing them back together at their lowest ebb. Can they manage to hide their history from their new friends? Can they forgive each other, and themselves? Could there possibly still be something there between them? And with Gabriel still lurking on the horizon, will they be strong enough to do anything about it?

And There Will Be Great Lamentations by TheBobblehat (M)

It has been a month since Aziraphle has become the new Archangel of Heaven, and it's worse than he can possibly imagine. Due to Gabriel's poor management while he was in charge, Azirpahle has been playing catch-up with all the paperwork that Gabriel didn't bother to do. On top of that, while Aziraphale has a shiny new title, he still can't seem to garner the respect of his fellow Angels, and now without Crowley, is feeling more lonely than ever before. Meanwhile, on Earth, Crowley isn't doing much better. Depressed, he haunts the bookshop under the lame excuse that he's "supervising" Muriel in their new position as bookseller. That old, demonic spark has long gone, and all that's left is a very depressed, very heartbroken shell of his former self.

Hold Me Until The Morning by TheLinThing (E)

Anthony Crowley is a lot of things, but mostly single and very unhappy about it. His brain is not his best friend, and that makes it hard for him to find love. Until a certain handsome blonde walks into the gaybar he frequents, and Anthony can only hope he can keep his fears in control so they won't be interfering with his plans for this angelic man.

Tiny little fractures by Wildphoenix_ofthe80s (M)

In a human AU, Aziah Fell and Anthony Crowley meet while looking for distraction on a self harm help message board. Please pay close attention to tags, they're there to protect you.

Introduction to Philosophy – an Inter-Faculty Course by Black_Bentley (E)

Everyone who participates in the Introduction to Philosophy course regrets they chose it for an "easy credit" as one of the students is taking critical thinking to an absurd level that is going nowhere (...), while the other can’t be bothered to think for himself. It would be hilarious if they weren’t so damned annoying. As for those annoying students, Crowley falls deeply in love and Aziraphale... Aziraphale is prophesied by their fellow student Anathema to break Crowley's heart Initially started as a half-silly something inspired by this post on Tumblr*, but then it got angstier and more disturbing than the first chapters would suggest. Please, mind the tags, but I promise a happy ending! *If you ever had That Student in any Philosophy course, you know what this is about.

Free by imposterssyndrome (E)

Anthony J Crowley's been living rough since he was kicked out by his parents as a kid. Somehow he's made it to the age of 40 and he's still alive, but if you asked him, he's not really sure how the hell he's managed it. It's not been pretty. Alistair Zachariah (Az) Fell runs a bookshop, but is still under the strict yoke of his parents: their eternal disappointment. 40 years old and he's desperately unhappy and hit crisis point. They meet (again?) as inpatients in an acute mental health ward. They have nothing in common. Obviously. How could they? They're practically opposites. So why are they so drawn to one another?

- Mod D

[remy45]

Okay, hear me out, stephanie brown as battinson side kick in the batman 2.

and before you say Im crazy, please listen:

At the start of the batman 2, Bruce fights the latest in a series of riddler copycat that appeared following the events of the first movie. This one calling themselves “cluemaster”. Batman tracks him to his home after receiving an anonymous tip and fights him. He knocks him out and handcuffs him for the cops, but before he can leave he discovers Stephanie in the home. Stephanie thanks Batman and tells him she knew he’d stop her father. Batman quickly realises that it was Stephanie who gave him the tip. Steph explains that her father became mentally unwell after her mothers death and became inspired by riddler. Fearing him she tipped batman off to his location. Batman thanks her and goes to leave but Steph asks him to stay, fearing her father waking up. He reluctantly agrees and they talk until Gordon arrives. Bruce later decides to take her in temporarily until the new orphanage he’s funding is completed. Steph is incredibly intelligent, has met batman and is in close proximity with Bruce. All this eventually leads her to discover that he is batman and she insists on helping him. Of course he says no but that’s not gonna stop her…

After this little ramble about how the story could go, here are my reasons on why I think stephanie would be amazing in battinson universe:

Hope - Steph is a character who deeply values hope—holding on to hope for herself, and also bringing hope to others. More than for any other Robin, Stephanie grew up idolizing Batman as a symbol of hope and resistance, not fear and vengeance.

 Connection to the lower class and crime-vulnerable population of Gotham- Rather than allowing a child into the crimefighting world, Batman meets a kid who already lives there. Rather than just swooping in from above to save the masses down below, Batman empowers someone to save her own people.

Giving Steph the spotlight - Lately, DC has been cashing in on Stephanie representing a Girl Wonder (Robin 80th Anniversary Spectacular, Robins, Wayne Family Adventures, etc) among a herd of weirdly identical teen boys. While it's nice to see Steph getting recognized, her actual 10-week stint as Robin was basically a mean-spirited stunt instead of a proper run. It'd be nice for Steph to legitimately get a major spotlight as Robin.

 Balance - Frankly, a girl could be a good next addition to Team Batman. A girl Robin could balance out Batman, Alfred, and Gordon being an all-male team.

If you got to this point, Thanks for reading!!

[actual-changeling]

I might just have had one too many daiquiris but am I tearing up thinking about how for aziraphale and Crowley both, those four years of freedom were more than likely the happiest years of their time on earth, and that Aziraphale left that all and neither of them believe that they will get any more?? That that was all??? I need to go to the seaside for my health ngl

I think about that CONSTANTLY.

Also the fact that Crowley was hoping things between them would finally change, that they'd finally get somewhere, just to be disappointed day after day after day when everything stayed exactly the same.

Sure, they could hang out more, sure, they were both more relaxed, more open with each other—but six thousand years and one apocalypse later, and he still hadn't gotten so much as a hug from Aziraphale.

Crowley was living in his car, depressed, still hypervigilant because you cannot just stop, no matter how badly you want to, but the bookshop was safe.

Aziraphale was safe.

Then Gabriel showed up and the second Aziraphale had to choose between Crowley or his horrible ex-boss that tried to burn him alive, he chose heaven over him. Again. Destroying any semblance of safety Crowley had.

Because four years of not-really-pretending mean absolutely nothing when you are still the second choice. When it takes one week of chaos to reveal that not only will the person you love choose heaven over you, they don't even love you but the person that died so you could be free.

The person that no longer exists and can never exist again.

One week—and everything you thought you knew is torn apart.

Aziraphale took his safety, the bookshop, his car, did not listen to a single word he said, never took his fears seriously, called him silly for being afraid of the person that was probably directly involved in his fall, and THEN revealed that he STILL thinks he is evil and needs to become an angel again to be loved and return to the people that broke him.

Four years of something a little better than before, something that turned out to have been completely different from what he thought it was.

That was his reward—a hopeful, terrified lie that fell apart in the face of honesty.

...I will join you in the seaside. We're all deeply unwell.

[hjemne]

I could go on for years and years about Knives in Trimax, but THIS makes me physically unwell. Knives was the one who was constantly worrying that humans weren't going to accept him or Vash, and he was the one who first raised the question of becoming friends with humans, not Vash. When he asks Conrad (the second human he's ever met) what he thinks of him and Vash, there is a genuine fear of being rejected and is so relieved by Conrad's answer he cries. Knives is the sensitive, emotional child who needs the support of Vash, Rem and other humans to feel like he has a place in the world.

Conrad says if they can love someone with their whole heart, they'll be able to work and live together, but then what happens immediately after?

Knives and Vash discover Tesla. She is the only other Independent like them, and humans treated her like a science specimen and experimented on her body fell apart and she died horribly. Knives is 1 year old, and he's having to process THIS, knowing he can no longer trust any adult around him. Knives - again, remember he's the sensitive one - faints and Vash says he wishes he had also been able to cut himself off from the agony of the realisation too.

I absolutely adore that bottom panel of Knives' hope that they can coexist being stripped away. The boy he was just is not compatible with the world he finds himself in and this is the foundation of his adult self we see throughout the rest of Trimax.

With Knives unconscious, the focus then shifts to Vash who has the chance to confront Rem. It's incredibly significant that Knives is not part of that conversation and never lets himself be emotionally vulnerable around Rem again to have a similar talk with her where he might have been able to process his feelings like Vash did.

Vash actually tries to stab himself with a knife (and there's metaphors in that for someone else to unpack) and Rem prevents him, injuring herself in the process. Vash then turns against Rem and tries to kill her, severely wounding her and saying he won't shed a single tear for her before suddenly becoming overwhelmed by remorse and rushing to save her. Vash, who had been refusing food, then finally starts to eat as Rem tells him he's got a blank ticket to the future and not to throw his life away because there are good people out there. Only after Rem and Vash have come to this truce / understanding does Knives wake up.

He has realised that Rem not only knew about Tesla, not only kept her a secret, but was also involved in her abuse. He goes from having a heart absolutely bursting with love and hope, to learning that even the person he loved was capable of unspeakable violence against his kind. His childhood, his dreams, his support is all taken from him, and when Vash seems to forgive and forget, he's also cut off from the one person who could fully understand him. He either genuinely forgets or (what I think is more likely) pretends to have no memory of the discovery. This is where Knives is separated from both Vash and humans, and this is the point where he starts on his path of no return.

KNIVES was the one who loved humans, who was deeply deeply upset at the thought of not being accepted by them. When he finds Tesla, he realises he and Vash can never be fully accepted or fully safe, and his actions are driven from this (justified) fear of what people will do to him if they find him. But he knows he is stronger and smarter than humans, he knows that he has the power and ability to protect himself, Vash and future Independents from suffering Tesla's fate. Knives was and is right about humans posing an existential threat to Plants, both dependent and independent, and his decision to crash the ships was not done out of malice but terror. Knives NEVER took the first shot. If Tesla hadn't been murdered, I really, really doubt he would have turned out the way he did.

[dungeons-are-too-cold]

just got home from i saw the tv glow...

SPOILERS FOR I SAW THE TV GLOW

thats gonna need a rewatch

and a long long long long nap

because i am not entirely sure how to deal with everything i saw and the ending and my emotions???? I did not cry (its been a weird day and i am cried out) but like im kinda stunned by it ya know? it was really hard, and really rewarding, and really hard. like not depressing just, sobering? like really hard lmao

like theres something about it thats not frustrating or difficult but like dry and bland (the plot and the feeling not like the movie was bland, but like the emotions within the movie were emmulating a sort of bland unmoving everyday feeling that the characters were feeling) and like overwhelmingly mundane. Just the whole experience owen has throughout the film is so quiet and deeply shameful and protectively mundane, like how he says hes too scared to look inside to check if something is missing... like thats, holy shit man. ya know?

and that's not to say that's bad, i don't want that to be what people think i think, cuz its very very very the opposite of bad. its an incredible piece of cinema in general, but especially queer cinema. I am absolutely dumbstruck by its brilliance. Its just hard. and that's good and the point and okay that its hard. its supposed to be, because it is.

i feel like an asshole in away though because i didnt cry. But I think i was just like, stunned by it more so. Like i was sobered by it, and i have this quiet sort of emotional hollowness in relation to owen and maddie and their friendshipn and their journeys and everything. I feel at a loss for words. I feel like i dont know what to do or say or how to live my life now? like i feel like im in the midnight realm. but the pink opaque feels so incredibly far from my reality that there is almost no attachment to it. I know its real, i just cant get there.

I feel like, in my queerness, i cant see a pink opaque for me. But not in the same disbelief and fear and insanity owen has for maddie in the planetarium like it cant be real at all, but idk like in a resigned kind of dead ache on the inside of me kind of way. I know its real, i just cant get there. And i think that's whats so unsettling and terrifying and humbling and subduing and solemn about it i guess. Its just like, its hard

im sorry I keep saying its hard, its the truth.

as u can see i am unwell about this film in a very scary way i think.

[radioactivewisdom]

You’re actually serious… There's a thesis to be argued of antinatalism as the inevitable worldview of the terminally-online set.

https://www.reddit.com/r/badphilosophy/s/kVXFSmlxzQ

“If all life is suffering, why do serious anti-natalists not kill themselves as soon as they come to that conclusion? Is there that big of a leap between not existing and ending your existence that makes that incongruous? …it’s a valid question. If someone postulates that life is suffering and it’s better to not exist than be alive: (assuming they think post-death non-existence is the same as before-life existence) it begs the question, why go through it? If post-death is preferable to living the only reason not to jump to it is if the process of euthanasia is even more suffering than life is. The obvious response is that they’re being hyperbolic and life isn’t generally suffering for people”

As a person who was once deeply entrenched in the anti-natalist movement, it really is just made up of exclusively mentally ill people.

The most mentally ill are those who endorse this reality by bringing more people into it. If you find this world to be worth it, then there’s nothing to complain about and you can stop marching now. Nothing can actually be that serious if people birth new innocent lives on the daily. It’s parents who claim they fear for the lives of their children and mourn the loss of innocence, so why bring them here in the first place? This is a planet full of addicted sex pest consumers who accuse anyone who doesn’t want to participate as being the sick ones. Euthanasia isn’t widely available and killing yourself isn’t easy. Never being born and dying are two completely different things. Thats why most terminally ill patients don’t choose to end their own lives despite going through prolonged pain and dying anyways. It makes more sense to dislike this world and continue living in it without propagating, than blaming your problems on outside sources while signing new people up for the same. The most insane and deranged go on to have children, just look at the abuse and neglect rates. Many antinatalist are motivated by the wrong reasoning, upset that they aren’t “winning” at life, but they’re no more mentally unwell than the rest of the population. Life is filled with suffering because of other people, I can avoid them and still enjoy my time here.

[runningfrom2am]

“You were scared. Of him.” BABY BOY DID YOU EVEN HEAR WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT THE GAMES??

how i love when there’s a letter to feel guilty about, from beyond the grave.

“Or that if you’re out on cold nights when the breeze chills your skin, you’ll think of us.” THERE IT IS!!!

“Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, / Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!” the way that this is their relationship summary-

the fact that he sent the bread and the water only to buy her trust back is very reasonable and therefore disturbing.

SHE WOULD HAVE DIED WITHOUT HIS MOTHER’S SCARF!! she still cries for ruining something coryo gave her even after last night. I AM UNWELL!!

i just know that lucky and dr gaul are both losing it at the back for not having cameras in the vents. they’re very close to the end of the games yet they cannot see what is happening.

even the girl who had planned to stay still and wait for her end resorts to survival when fate knocks on her door and there is too much to lose.

okay we’re gonna rock with the same numbering system for this one bc we have SEVERAL points to go over.

(also i did have to reread it rq before i answered this bc i wrote and edited this like two weeks ago lol)

1. i mean,, at least he’s kinda self aware HAHAHA. actually very SELF aware and not very contextually observant rn. like babe you KNOW how terrified she was already and now the only person in this whole place who she trusts has started swinging too?! ZERO critical thinking skills.

2. yeahhhhh yk i had to do it 🤭 at first when i was writing it i was like “this is way too wordy” but then i was like “raye,,, duh words are her whole thing don’t be dumb” so i let it go on as long as it needed to haha. like i can see it SO vividly like it was probably hard to read i just KNOW she covered that whole sheet in writing without an inch to spare. i also feel like for her it wasn’t enough, but she would never complain or dare ask for another sheet.

3. title drop let’s goooooo (there will be more i think i do this a few times lol)

4. no bc that quote was so perfect i’ve been sitting on it since i started writing this series it’s been rotting in my notes waiting to be used and i just 🥹 of COURSE that’s what she would use as her real confession i’ll actually puke ab it.

as much as he thought the monologue was a confession, it really wasn’t. he heard what he wanted to hear, that she loved him and cared about him. which she does, but her intention was to beg and plead with him to be good and stay that way. she had no receipts besides his namesake and where he lived to base this theory off of, but i think after they discussed the tragedy of coriolanus at length she just wanted to hammer home that he is not what his name would suggest. this letter though was the realest confession she would give, through written word, and i think that’s very real to who she is, especially being so far from home and her family and her safe space.

5. pretending that he wanted her to help jessup was literally all he could do!! to him, what’s the alternative? give her the cold shoulder in the most vulnerable (likely final) days of her life? he couldn’t do that even if he wanted to, i think. i don’t think it successfully buys her trust, but i do think it is so motivational for her to just know that at the very least he is still there.

6. omg yeah me too i am SICK. she’s crying and apologizing knowing damn well he can’t even hear it or see what she’s doing but she feels just awful even though it means she would survive. as if that’s not the whole reason he gave it to her. he gave her the go ahead to use his mothers scarf to kill someone if she had to- and she feels that guilty about using it to save herself?? i’ll puke ab this actually she is so sweet. she cares about him so so deeply and i think a massive part of her fear, that kept her up all night, was that that fact that she loves him cares did not change.

7. yeah they did NOT think that one through and ik it’s just eating dr. gaul ALIVE bro. this could also be the beginning (assuming the games do continue- who knows) of the trackers that monitor heart rates and vitals of tributes.

8. OKAY YES so i’m gonna tie this into point 6 too bc i feel like that’s the manifestation of this internal battle she’s having. if she had originally planned to give up her life at the very beginning, i can so easily see the guilt that she’s feeling over every little thing she’s doing to preserve her own life beyond that point. so not only is she ruining his late mothers beautiful scarf, she’s also betraying herself. the “old her”, if you will. she shouldn’t be alive anyways, she will die soon anyways, so it feels like a waste to ruin this scarf in the process when she likely believes it will be peeled off her dead body regardless. but she still does it.

she told herself that coryo was what changed that plan- that she wanted to win for him, but i don’t even know that that’s fully true. maybe it was about saving herself all along, but she felt too horribly guilty about the circumstances to even admit that to herself. especially now that she’s starting to devolve mentally, she opens the compact knowing that its contents will kill the boys that are after her, but immediately she’s going “oh, it looks like salt” and committing to that narrative so desperately so she can hide from herself that now not only is she ruining the scarf to save herself, that she’s also directly causing fatal harm to others which she has always sworn she would never do.

[brideofhantengu]

People hate my relationship with Hantengu because it's a common observation that he knew he did something bad, and my tolerance for him is disturbing to many viewers. He was exactly like his human self as a demon: on edge and agitated, full of unnecessary rage just waiting to spill out, self absorbed, manipulative, calculated and stealthy. This man has had to run and hide before and it's clear he's done this many times. The only drastic change he took on was a darker complexion, glowing eyes, horns and claw like nails. When I say I love him, I am also saying I acknowledge he had bad thoughts as a human and that he acted on those thoughts countless times. The murder and theft of the blind monk was only where it ended. That was the closest memory he had to his transformation, when Muzan came to him. He saw the end of his humanity because he erased all the other crimes from his twisted mind willingly. He rewrote entire chapters of his life just to begin another one with the same damn story. He was sick and was not helped. Partly due to his time period, partly due to denial. He was mentally unstable and he did not need to be married with children at a time when he was so unwell he couldn't be trusted to keep them safe from himself. God knows how he did it but he took children's lives and his pathetic excuses couldn't make it forgivable. He was so diabolical he was sentenced straight to death the moment he was caught. He became less good at hiding his tracks and became a deranged and unhinged old man the more he believed his own lies. He was willing to manipulate himself to keep manipulating others and it resulted in his death, eventually, at the hands of a young man who was under the impression his sister sacrificed her own life to allow him to catch this narcissistic coward who even subjected his own headless demon body to sunlight just to attempt to capture two blacksmiths.

As Tanjiro's steel agonizingly (and finally) penetrates Hantengu's neck, he questions if his life is flashing before his eyes which was a real "no shit you're gonna die, moron" moment for everyone. We no longer see Urami and we officially see Hantengu himself express defeat, his expression of fear and anguish drop and we see how pissed off he really is. He failed. Zohakuten was to be burned, another hashira spared. Before he witnessed Nezuko could withstand the sun, he, to his knowledge, failed his master and himself. Muzan was clever enough to convince Hantengu he believed his innocence. He knew how to talk to an unsound man and win his trust. Muzan sought out people he knew would accept his recruitment. We officially see a glimpse of his human life played back like an old movie. When he was caught because he didn't keep his hands to himself, he blamed his hands for all the trouble. Who knows what else he put the blame on before. If he stabbed someone, it was the knife. If it was blunt forced trauma, it was the object. If he strangled someone, it was the oxygen. No matter how unrealistic it would seem, he'd give it all the credit as long as it wasn't /him/ and that's why people find my social media to be cringe. People like him exist in this world. Unfortunately, we all know a Hantengu. I was raised in the presence of a few. I don't know if my love for him takes place in unhealed trauma to figures of authority, or if I relate with him in some shameful way, but I express confidence and commitment in my bond with him and if it puts me in the hole some day, oh well. Let it be an example of what happens when you don't help yourself. *Shrugs and cuddles up to my pillow*

I have had many real life partners who have suffered my deteriorating mental health show me nothing but loyalty. I return their love never to them, but to a fictional character. I too can be considered despicable. Will I change? Not sure if I plan on it. Perhaps my happy place is deeply in love with a man who is not real. A man I cannot hurt and a man who cannot hurt me. Society doesn't want people like me to fraternize with the public, so I suppose he will have to do. I am learning to be kinder on the outside, inside me is a neediness to be seen as innocent, lovely and charming, and I will keep telling myself this until I finally believe it. People may claim to be a victim by me, but I'm sure one day with enough convincing, those memories won't hurt my heart. If I believe myself to be innocent rather than accepting those crimes, I won't feel such sadness for what they claim I made them feel. Perhaps... We are perfect for each other, Hantengu and I. 🖤👹

[starstruckodysseys]

hiii here’s some of my fav off book eps in case ur new and wondering where to start listening or just want to know some of my favs. or if you want to understand what is deeply wrong with me. here we go

275: this book only happens when you read it

307: 2005

288: a dream deferred: sorry not sorry - part two disk deux

283: all black everything

279: a very wolves of glendale hanukkah (i am especially unwell about this one. for some reason)

277: wine from the hospital floor (my first off book ep i think??)

265: frozen in time lake

263: fear the ocean

248: cowminal house (of COURSE)

247: a single pull up to save the president

229: breadtime: who will survive?

211: party bus: in space!

we object to fear (ep 66 i think?? idk i’ve only watched it on youtube)

281: live at the bourbon room los angeles (i’m ninety percent sure this is movie night but i’m not entirely sure off the top of my head)

the entirety of time fountain: fountains of time! (which is a six part series but a banger)

every single famband ep. all of them. but ESPECIALLY: 12345678BYE, shrimp priest, trench wizard, opening credits cast lip sync, and like. def other ones i can’t remember rn

okay that’s most of them off the top of my head !! feel free to talk 2 me about off book or play it by ear btw !!

[thanx-files]

Season 3 Wrap-Up

Let’s skip the boring part. We know the routine by now, and I have a lotttt to say this time around. Thoughts on Talitha Cumi and S3 below the cut.

Talitha Cumi

My least favorite season finale so far, if I’m honest. It’s not that the stakes weren’t high enough, it’s that I was confused for a lot of this episode. I, like Mulder, have precious little patience for Cancer Man and his musings, and there were a LOT of musings in this episode. I’m going to have to read the Wikipedia plot summary for this one. Also, not enough Scully.

Season 3

My favorite season so far. I know, I know “Thanx, you’ve said that every season!” If you’ll recall, I was on the fence about season 2 being better than season 1 (Pilot my beloved) because I feared recency bias. But I feel very strongly that S3 beats out both S1 and S2 pretty handily, recency notwithstanding. Why? Because it’s fun, in a way. The first handful of episodes are less so, but as the season finds a rhythm, there are these brilliant little character moments. Skinner gains a lot of depth this season, for example, but he also has some killer one-liners that tell us he is playing this game for better or for worse.

And as for Mulder and Scully? If there is one thing these two will do, it’s talk on the phone. Those were some of my favorite details this season. The classic “it’s me,” but also the way they can’t stay off the phone in Coprophages. The way Mulder knows Scully will stay on the line to eavesdrop in Avatar. Mulder, our “ticking time-bomb of insanity” starts to show his Captain Ahab side more (hello, Grotesque???). And Scully gets to call him on it! More importantly, the moment I’ve been waiting for: they finally let Scully be so so Catholic.

This season just went crazy, I don’t know what to tell you. There are some seriously unhinged episode progressions — and I’m not even talking about the two-parters. Coprophages to Syzygy to Grotesque (just two eps before Pusher)? Quagmire to Wetwired? Stop it.

5 fave eps (now with more musing!):

Revelations - I told y’all I wanted more Catholic Scully, and this episode really delivered. I love that our skeptic is religious, however remotely. I love Scully. I love that there is this part of her which the X-Files never seem to touch — until they do.

War of the Coprophages - The way they can’t stay off the phone with each other. The way Fox Mulder just HAPPENS to be in the cockroach town during the cockroach uprising. The bug that crawls across the screen. The way Mulder is eating chocolate cake while writing his report about how he narrowly escaped an exploding shit lab. The inexplicably exotic bug he squishes without hesitation.

Pusher - Fuck all the way off. The paper that just says “Pass.” “Smile, Scully.” Russian roulette. Russian roulette!!! I don’t need to tell you all about this. You already know. Plus, there’s this deeply unwell post I already made.

Jose Chung from Outer Space - I also already posted about this one, but the TL;DR is that this sitcom fanatic loves a frame story and a series of Events Which Probably Didn’t Happen Like That.

Quagmire - I KNOW I KNOW it was between this and Wetwired. But when it comes down to it, the Captain Ahab conversation is just too fucking good. Also, I feel I should honor the memory of Queequeg, who deserved better.

5 least fave eps:

The Blessing Way - It’s not that it’s a bad ep, it’s just not for me. I’ve never been much for the metaphysical “between life and death” thing where you talk to your dead dad and he tells you to keep living. This is because my heart is made of rocks.

The List - I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t like prison eps.

Piper Maru & Apocrypha - I just got lost. Glad to see Krycek again tho!

Talitha Cumi - See above.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to buckle my seatbelt for the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] arc. Maybe I’ll also rewatch the pilot just for kicks.