#i literally told myself i wouldnt
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so i may or may not have just made an entire oc while taking a shower
#i did#she's a banshee#i literally told myself i wouldnt#because two of my favorite art/ask blogs already have banshees#anyway if crystallizedtwilight or ask-lock-shock-and-barrel see this#uh#idk hi ig#my ocs#my ocs <3
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Confessing my sins to the internet because my irl friends don't know my tumblr
I'm actually a horrible friend and I don't plan to change :)
I'll be a good friend to anyone I actually like and I usually don't associate with people who I don't like, but sometimes there will be an occasional lonely (usually annoying) kid that follows me around. (They're lonely for a reason.) I kinda hate people who are loud literally all the time but I can hold my tongue and this kinda person just doesn't leave because they're not being told directly to leave.
What do I do? I talk to them only when I need them, I make unnecessarily mean comments as a joke, I point out their obvious flaws that I know they have a hard time changing, and all while they still follow me around like I'm not kinda bullying them.
Sometimes I'll treat them like an actual friend when I'm in a good mood, but if I'm not, then the unfortunate victim becomes my emotional punching bag. (I have ways to quickly fix my mood and this is completely unnecessary and I could distance myself until I feel better like how I do with actual friends.) I think this is like. Breadcrumbing? Anyways yeah, toxic shit.
If any of your "friends" treat you like this, they don't see you as a friend. If they leave you doubting if they like you or not, leave you doubting if you're actually friends, they probably don't see you as a friend. (because that's the case for me :3 )
I'm a horrible human being and I don't feel nearly as bad as I should about it :)
#i had a friend in primary school who was treated like this by me and my then best friend for the whole 6 years#she was very much bullied i think#we literally had a “class x girls group” and “class x girls group without (victim)” and we sometimes shit talked her in there#my best friend was a bit more obvious about not liking her#she would like be my shield anytime things got confrontational while i never stood up for myself#pretty sure she shared snacks with me a lot too and i just never returned the favour.#and now theres this boy that has nearly no friends who follow me around during breaks#just today i literally gave him the silent treatment because i was having an inner monologue and i didn't bother telling him#i even found it kinda funny that i walked around silently while he muttered to himself and questioned if he did anything wrong#like dude no you didn't do anything wrong but also i found it too funny to correct you#i have actual friends that i treat decently btw#like. without all this weird shit#i just take advantage of the loney and probably neurodivergent kids :)#moral of the story. please have more than 1 friend. especially irl. dont let them treat you like how i treat these poor “friends” of mine#ive literally never told the 2 people i mentioned here anything along the lines of “im grateful i have you”#feel free to stop being my friend because of a post like this :3#i wouldnt say i *like* being a horrible friend but also im like. not doing anything about it and not bothering to change for the sake of#these people who are already kind of outcasted and probably need someone to rely on#“im not doing charity” proceeds to refuse basic respect to these people because theyre “annoying”#you could call this a vent post#im kind of telling myself that im a horrible person to begin with so i feel less bad about “breaking character” on top of being guilty#honestly i hope this kind of person finds someone who genuinely accepts them because they deserve better than this#and also because theyre a headache for me and im sick of them
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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"Mercedes chief strategist James Vowles has revealed he took part in the Asian Le Mans series but did not promote it out of fear he would embarrass himself." [x]
#james vowles#merc crew#williams crew#hes so me fr#i once traveled to another part of the country to compete in a sports event and told literally nobody so i wouldnt embarrass myself
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Bro. The contrast between these 2 doodles I did of him xD
Silly lil man Wally & Oh lord he has fangs Wally widjskwsjdsk
#my art#fan art#digital art#doodle#art#sketch#welcome home#welcome home fanart#welcome home wally#wh wally#little man wally#wally with teeth#omg i cant#I literally told myself I wouldnt draw him with them yet I did#im dying wocjsjidjsks halp
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AHHHHHABSBDJDJD OMGOMGOMGMG I DID SOSO GOOD I RAN THAT ENTIRE 5K IN 28:55 OKMFMGGNFANAM
#AND I GOT A RIBBON FOR PLACING 66th#OH MY GOD#I LEGIT WAS DYING AT THE END. WHEEZING AND LITERALLY ALMOST SCREAMING BECAUSE I JUST COULDNT#BUT I PUSHED THROUGH I RAN AS HARD AS I COULD#THE GIRL IN FRONT OF MEONLY GOT AHEAD BY .2 SECONDS MAN#IF YOU TOLD ME FROM FRESHMAN YEAR THAT I WAS DOING TJIS WELL#THE SAME FRESHMAN WHO DIDNT EVEN LIKE XC AND WANTED TO KILL THEMSELF#THAT HE WAS RUNNING 28:55 5KS AND LOVING IT THEY WOULDNT FUCKING BELIEVE YOU DUDE#My pace was actually insane…I don’t know what got into me really#it was 82 degrees and I had to wait ALL DAY to run and yesterday at practice I ran it in roughly 31 minutes#My god the progression is insane#So proud of myself dude#S.K runs
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sorry im a god gale truther btw i DO think he should get to usurp mystra and ascend to godhood and i do think that should be an absolutely awful thing to happen to him but also literally everyone else. sorry
#bg3#not main tagging this further bc its. mad man 1:30am rambles#but listen. mh.#ok so. heres the thing.#while i do think. their relationship was absolutely fucked. and yeah we can argue for grooming and or abuse.#i also dont QUITE enjoy how ppl make gale like. the poor poor totally blameless victim. like. mh#how to phrase this so it DOESNT sound victim blame-y. but like.#from how i interpret the things he told & what the game shows.#my mans REALLY struggles with No's and rejection. and i wouldn't just put that as a Mystra Aftermath Thing#he WAS forbidden from trying to ascend/was told by her she wouldnt make him an equal. and his response basically was.#'but let me prove i am worthy of this'#which yeah. plays into the fucked up self worth. ill get back to that.#plus the uh. touch the orb scene? he just. grabs your hand and pulls it towards him because he WANTS to show you this. Now.#any rejection within the relationship? I Should Blow Myself Up#he got that gifted kid energy of everything always came easily to him and yet it wasnt ever enough and the relationship w a literal goddess.#certainly didnt help that.#so hes constantly reaching for more. and thats a fault of his because he will do that even if told not to because#at the same time he thinks of himself as smart enough to actually Get to that More.#and yknow w the orb? he literally. got So Badly Burned. is it deterring him? nnnnnnot really.#and i think. godhood would. idk i think he could do it. and i think it still wouldn't be enough.#and having an all powerful deity who ALSO a) still never is satisfied with his amount of power and control and b) thinks he know better than#anyone and could do better than anyone#sounds like its gonna fucking suck#anyways im rotating this all in my brain + ofc the delicious bloodweave combo of ascended astarion + new god gale bc thats just. ough#the mess. of this combo.
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I always say i hate pills then i take one and im all better. Thank you pills
#Listen to my problems#had something funny happen to me this afternoon. ive been telling people i despise shellfish specifically oysters and clams#and today i had an oyster for the first time in a long time and it was like delicious#and then i unlocked a memory where i told my sister i hated oysters so i could trade one to her because i knew she liked oysters and i knew#she wouldnt question me or argue with me if i just told her i didnt like the taste so i started telling everyone that for some reason i kept#up the charade even without the original audience it was meant for. and it literally has been like a decade or so and i had my first oyster#in ten years and it was awesome. not going to stop telling people i dislike them though because its funny#like really just proved to myself i could live without it#but also convinced myself i hated oysters for no reason ?? like i ate it with trepidation and was pleasantly surprised by the taste and#texture of it and then i remembered i dont actually hate oysters that was crazy
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turn your anon off and that'll REALLY force them to get confront. (which they won't, and i know i'm a bit silly for saying this since i'm on anonskejsj i'm shy) but actually turn it off. you'll see that you'll be free of these false allegations
this me rn bc YOU'RE RIGHT 😭 i have been told to many times, but 😭 i didn't want shut any of my friends out 😭 even if it meant some little buggies came in 😭 but — i suppose i must 🥺 to further prove my point 🥺 i am blowing kisses to all my shy pals and faceless friends out the window !! just for now !!!!! love you all 🥺🩷✨️
#no hate for my shy girlies (gn) i love my shy girlies (gn)#i'm a shy girlie (gn) myself !!!!!#literally everyone has told me to do this and i wouldnt LOL akfhsiakak#but !! here we are !!!#regular emojis no longer do it for me i need you to see my discord ones LOL#✿ ask willow
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like its amazing people can tell me to my face over and over that they care about me and like being around me and whatever
but all it takes to undo it is just 'they say that out of pity because their kind good people'
#because like what!#im being whiney and shitty about myself#what are they suppous to say#no we HATE you and we DO find you gross but were too polite to say it#i have good people in my life who wouldnt say that shit#but i the fact of humans is i will never know if thats 100% true#i literally just have to rely on what is being told to me and hope its true#but its so hard to beleive it when i see myself and think#no fuckin way bro!!!!
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#mom says that the reason she didnt comfort me while i was having one of the biggest meltdowns of my life was cus i wouldnt tell her what was#wrong and i clearly was capable#like i hate to tell you but just because im technically capable doesnt mean i can communicate easily#im too upset to be able to communicate my thoughts to you about why im upset#she literally told me that its annoying when i cry and scream without telling her whats wrong#she said and i quote I could ask anyone in the world and all of them would be annoyed by this#she said if i just said Sorry i cant calm down i cant talk right now that would be fine like hello? is that not fucking obvious?#i said wouldnt this (being a more concerning thing) make you more sympathetic and she said no it just makes me more annoyed and this is the#normal response#she said even when normal people are throwing up and retching they can communicate whats wrong#that im just pretending to not be able to talk to her to manipulate her and that im being disrespectful by intentionally getting louder and#more disruptive#my parents are convinced i do things on purpose to guilt trip them all the time and i dont understand it because theyve known me for#my whole life and thats the most out of character thing i could ever possibly do but they wont even consider that im not doing that#i asked her why she didnt believe me when i said i wasnt manipulating her and she said I do believe you! when did i ever say i didnt#i dont understand. shes convinced that every normal person behaves like her#and the worst of it is i know shes trying her best and yet still refuses to acknowledge the fact that#I DONT FUCKING MAKE MYSELF MORE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE!#she doesnt seem to understand that overreaction can be conscious and still unavoidable#like yes its not like if i tried i absolutely couldnt calm down and talk to you#but thats not helpful! i dont WANT to try because i am screaming so hard that mythroat will be sore for an entire day!#because i am upset!#i am too upset to care that i can tecxhnically stop#i just dont understand why its so hard to believe im not manipulating her when im genuinely upset#i dont understand why she looks at me like a loose screw. something annoying but not something worth fixing#its always bad enough to warrant anger and never bad enough to warrant a solution#because im crazy but im fine and im not disabled at all
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btw i think i may be attempting to enter into a long distance relationship w erik.
#ik nobody cares i think its annoying to constantly talk abt ur dating life on here#but like. this is my diary. so.#basically the deal is.i may very well be setting myself up for failure and heartbreak. but also i will regret it for the rest of my life#if i dont try#he feels important. like this feels different than it rlly ever has before. he felt important before i ever had any romantic feelings.#and like. idk if it was just bc i was so emotionally exhausted from all like the processing feelings and talking abt them and stuff but#he slept over. and i can NEVER sleep if someone is in my bed. but i slept really well. like literally in his arms i have NEVER been able to#sleep while im touching someone not once in my life.#this is so embarrassing lolll bc literally since i met him ive been talking abt him on here like 'oh my new friend i think hes into me but#im trying to just be friends' well. mission failed.#also my mom and my sister bc of COURSE any time i speak to a man its like well do you like him are you dating him. and i was like NO we are#just FRIENDS god can i just have a FRIEND#and so when i tell them. god it is going to be sooo humiliating. also he has multiple satanic tattoos so if he meets my mom....#long sleeves on that day methinks!#um anyway im getting ahead of myself. basically we had a talk yesterday abt all my doubts abt getting into a relationship when hes abt to#leave and we kind of talked through what we would do to make it work. I told him I still couldn't give him a sure answer bc when im with hi#it feels like it can work but when he was gone the other day after our first talk abt it i felt so sure it wouldnt work so i need to#sleep on it and think abt it without him there but idk i think i know my answer like at this point i feel like its worse to wonder.#i have to try yk?
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#barks#i literally straight up just told all my coworkers im autistic earlier because of a misunderstanding in the group chat#i shouldve just omitted that but for some reason i decided to put it in there and now im having panic attacks about it#i feel like a dumbass im scared#i want to run away like teenage me. just quit and be done and not have to confront it#i cant fucking believe i did that i didnt need to i really fucking hate my autism sometimes#i wish i still said next to nothing like when i was a kid i wouldnt get myself into situations where i want to die after a conversation
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what the fuck is it about 18 year old dudes and having to play music on their loudspeakers. what if i killed yall.
#my 1st yr of dorms i went to the gym and this guy would just put his music on even if we had the radio on#wouldnt ask or anything he would just blast music from his bluetooth speakers#today (6 yrs after) i told the dorm workers i could open the gym myself. so these guys (17-19 yrs old)#come to the gym. i have my headphones. well i can still hear their music playing. literally whag the fuck#no concern for like. behaving in public its truly crazy#z xarre
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i love my gma but man I really wish she didn't take on Every Household Responsibility Ever growing up bc she did for a long time take care of my cat for me, which I think is partially why hes such a loud demanding asshole who thinks hes owed the world because she has a tendency to let people (and sub-sequentially animals) walk all over her .-.
#this type of... over bearing micro manage-y 'i have to do everything bc no one else does it right' attitude she has has super not helped me#growing up either. when I was a kid I always wanted to help clean the dishes or whatever but she would always discourage me bc#i 'wouldnt do it right' and just... never decided to teach me how to 'do it right' until way later while im in my late twenties and had to#figure it out on my own through trial and error losing many dishes in the process and also giving up bc no one told me about easier and#more efficient ways to clean...............#she's the type of parental figure who doesnt see weening as super important so i literally had to self ween :|#i dont like to get comfortable having her do anything and everything for me- even if she says its fine- idc.#i dont feel right using her like that even if she says its okay. bc thats how it feels- shes also too old atp for it to just be like a nice#gesture it just makes me feel guilty by default when she does anything for me :\#but goddamn is she so fucking stubborn when you try to help her. shes gotten a bit better with age bc i think shes starting to realize#shes going to have to rely on other people to take care of her and have faith in them to do so#god i remember being so proud of myself as a kid for washing a pan and her just kind of being like 'oh sweety you did it wrong never#do it again please :)' like sdhjgfdshjvsdvfh maybe just tell me how to clean it next time tf?????????#I WANTED TO BE HELPFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULDNT YOU LET ME BE HELPFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i grew up rich! you gave me no responsibilities! I was comfortable enough in my life feeling like I could extend energy to help.#i wasn't being forced to work so I wanted to work and help!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DISCOURAGE THAT UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH#IMAGINE! ALL THE WAYS I COULD'VE BEEN HELPFUL AS A CHILD! BUT NOPE!#IMAGINE ALL THE THINGS I COULD'VE LEARNED ABOUT TAKING CARE OF A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! BUT NOPE!#yes i do harbor a lot of resentment about this. the habit of cleaning was explicitly trained out of me and then later on when#we didnt have as much money so they did need me to clean they'd just fuckin YELL AT ME ABOUT IT LIKE?????#YOU LITERALLY BRED THAT BEING A HABIT OUT OF ME TF!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?#ofc im bad at cleaning bc the best time to teach me would've been WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY WANTING AND NEEDING IT AS A CHILD#but you waited until I was a teenager to dig my ass about it when all the motivation was gone from me and for some reason think#yelling is going to be the thing that motivates me???? WHY DIDNT YOU SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY WHEN I WAS A KID AND WANTED TO#i learn a lot better when im curious and not feeling like im being fckn threatened and demanded to do something.#things could have been so much easier.
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bro she could literally pull ANYONE she wants, but she decided to ask out the only guy to ever show interest in me
#im going insane#he literally told me “oh if she didnt ask me i was planning on asking you”#r u joking#actually going out a window#what the fuck#i have NEVER had a date to hoco/formal/anything#she ALWAYS does#SHE DOESNT EVEN LIKE HIM#SHE DOES THIS EVERYTIME#she told his sister if he asked her to hoco she wouldnt say no and ran w it#shes done this like 7 times#and then suddenly “oh no i had a crush on him this whole time!”#GIRL YOU DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIS NAME A MONTH AGO STFU#i love her to death#but its like#when is it my turn#litro everyone INCLUDING HER said “oh yea no hes into you”#today alone we got asked if we were going out NINE TIMES#and then end of the day shes like “heyyy”#i hate it here#i js stress ate literally 4000 kcals#IBWAS DOING SO GOOD#im locking myself in a room and never coming out#shut up mars!
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