#i literally could not focus on anything other than this piece for this blog

[percyluvr]

Hiii,i love your blog and your writing sm and that’s why i wanted to be brava and make a request!If you like the idea,can you please write a Percy imagine were reader is the daughter of Thetis(the water nymph/goddess and mother of Achilles)and she is the one that helps Percy with his water powers?Like they bond over that and fall in love with each other?Thank you very much!🩵🩵

percy jackson x daughter of thetis!reader summary: percy meets a nereid; the rest is history wc: 2524 note: thank you so much for reading my works, i'm vv glad u love my blog & i hope i could do this request justice. i wasn't exactly sure if her kid would be a demigod or a nymph, so i thought because i haven't really seen any fics w a nymph!reader, i would get a lil creative w it! i do know that achilles was considered a demigod, but i figured maybe her female children would be nereids(?)

Percy had been claimed as a son of Poseidon about a month ago at this point, and he was desperately trying to understand his powers. When he was claimed, he assumed that it would be easy to harness the power of the sea, since, well, his dad was the literal God of the Sea. Unfortunately, it was not coming as naturally as he had hoped and assumed it would, and so he now found himself swimming in the sea near Camp Half-Blood, searching for someone or something to help him get a leash on his powers.

He tried contacting his dad, to no avail; now aimlessly swimming. The only thing that had truly come natural to him was the ability to breathe under water, which was helpful now, since he didn't have to keep coming up to the surface for breath and could now just focus on finding help.

It'd been about 2 hours of just what others would consider mind-numbing swimming, but Percy enjoyed it anyhow.

He eventually found himself face to face with a young girl whom he would consider one of, if not the most beautiful person he'd ever come across. Though he was a son of Poseidon, Percy swears that he found it increasingly difficult to breathe. The longer he looked at you, the more and more aware he was that he was underwater, and all he could think was 'I'm a son of Poseidon and I'm going to drown, and because somehow it can get more embarrassing than that, I'm going to drown in front of a beautiful girl and she's probably going to laugh and I'm never even going to get to know her name or hear her voice, which is probably the most heavenly thing anyone would ever get a chance to hear and-'

His thoughts are broken when he hears you speak, and somehow your voice sounds even more heavenly than he had assumed it would be.

"Hello, Perseus," you say, smiling, and Percy thinks that his heart might just burst into a million little pieces that will eventually drift out into the water surrounding the two of you.

"Hey, hi, um," he struggles to assemble his thoughts into a coherent sentence.

"Take your time, Perseus. You will not run out of breath, as I believe you thought you would just a few seconds ago," you speak, fighting the urge to giggle at the silly boy that has found his way to your home.

"Um, first, you can just call me Percy, if you want. Second, I know I won't, I was just, uh, distracted for a second. And third, I'm here because, embarrassingly enough, apparently the fact that I'm the son of Poseidon doesn't matter to this water, which will not do anything I want it to unless I'm in a life or death situation, which does happen to occur quite often, so really I'd probably be fine, but I would sort of like to be able to have the comfort of knowing that I can actually use these cool powers that every tells me I have," he rambles. "Sorry, that was kind of a lot," he concludes.

"Do not worry, I followed along quite easily, actually. Anyhow, if you require assistance with your endeavors, I am here to aide you. When I'm not busy helping your father at the castle, that is," you offer.

"Really? I mean I was hoping you would say that, but I wasn't sure you would. But yeah, I'll take you up on that, thanks," he flashes you a smile.

"Wonderful. Feel free to stop by or call my name into the water, and I'll hear it and come to you if I'm able."

"Right, uh, not to be rude, but uh, what's your name?"

"Ah, right, I forget how you demi-gods don't bother to learn the names of the Nereids anymore."

When you tell him your name, you believe you see his eyes glisten in adoration, unless, of course, you're making that all up in your head because the boy in front of you is way cuter than you had ever imagined when you had just heard his name being thrown around by the gossiping Nereids around the palace.

"Well, then, Percy, you should be on your way. I have things to be doing now."

"Right, bye then. Thanks for, y'know, offering to teach me pretty much everything," he says bashfully.

"Of course." He begins to swim away and all you are left with the ability to do is wave as he slowly gets farther and farther away.

𓂃 𓈒𓏸

It'd been not even a week since Percy had been, in his descriptions to his friends at camp, blessed by your presence, and though the two of you had barely become acquaintances, he found himself missing the sound of your voice and the odd, in his opinion, outdated way that you spoke.

This type of yearning for a person's presence is not the type of yearning he feels for his mother, Sally, and so, this feeling is quite new to Percy. Of course, as a teenage boy, he doesn't know how else to manage this intense feeling, so immediately he goes to the beach and calls your name into the water.

"Hello, Percy, I can't say I'm surprised that you're this eager to harness the power of the sea. I was also very invigorated when I first learned of what was possible once at one with the sea."

"Am I not already one with the sea? My dad is literally the God and King of the sea. And are you not also one with the sea from birth? Aren't Nereides water spirits or whatever?"

"Ah, Percy, you misunderstand. You are not born one with the sea, even as a Nereid. You must prove to the sea that you are not afraid of it, and that you will not take advantage of it. It may takes days, or weeks, but I suspect that you will do just fine."

"And how exactly am I supposed to prove that?"

"You will see," you said cryptically, and before Percy could object to this statement, you were gone, and he was staring out into the clear blue water of the Atlantic Ocean.

"Jeez, when someone offers to teach you, you would think they would actually teach you something and not just say some weird cryptic stuff and then disappear," he grumbles to no one in particular.

𓂃 𓈒𓏸

Of course, you were correct in your assumption that Percy would quickly prove to the sea that he could be trusted to harbor its power. He manages to form a ball of water the size of a fist before losing focus, leaving the water to splash back down and become one with the sea again.

However, he was not discouraged, and in his invigorated state, he calls out for you without even realizing it.

"Hello, Perseus. I see that I was correct," you said, a bit smugly, Percy must say.

"Yeah, yeah. Will you actually teach me now?"

"Indeed. I wanted to be sure that you were competent enough for my help, so I do apologize for how ominous my words were."

"You're all good. I do have a question though, and feel free to try to drown me if this is rude."

"Do proceed with your inquiry." At that, Percy nearly bursts out laughing at how much you sounded like an office e-mail from someone's annoyed boss, but managed to somehow keep composure.

"Uh, why do you talk like.. I don't know, so formal. Aren't you my age?"

"I do apologize. I do believe you are older than me, which may come as a surprise to you. But to answer your main question, I talk so 'formal' because that is simply how everyone at the palace speaks. I suppose we do not have much contact with anyone outside of the ocean, and so we have not picked up on all of the latest dialects and ways of speaking."

"Well, I guess that makes sense then, my bad."

"Do not worry."

"So, uh, do I get to learn more about 'harnessing the power of the ocean' or whatever now?"

"I suppose now would be as good a time as any."

"Cool, cool, where do we start?"

You lift your fist into the air, a large section of water rising into the air and forming into the shape of a large sea turtle, forming into different animals as you rotate your hand in the air.

"Are you able to do that? Even a basic animal shape would be fine, but if not, we must begin, well, at the beginning."

"Oh, man," he grumbled

𓂃 𓈒𓏸

It'd been a few months of you popping in a few days a week to assist Percy with his ambitions, and he was finally able to wield the power of the sea like he once hoped he would be able.

However, September was rapidly approaching and Percy would soon have to return to school, meaning he would not get to see you nearly as often, which certainly put a damper on what was already a terrible week leading up to the start of the wretched school year.

And so, he resolved that the two of you would talk every day until he had to leave. He didn't care that he had progressed past the point of needing your help anymore, he just wanted to be in your presence for however much longer possible.

It was nearly instinct at this point for Percy to call your name out into the sea, and he was not one to fight it.

"Good to see you, Percy. But as I'm sure you're fully aware, you do not need my tutoring anymore. Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, but I do believe that you've even surpassed me, and that doesn't come as a surprise," you praise.

"I don't know about that, but I am pretty cool now," he says jokingly.

You smile. "But uh, I didn't call you for practice, I just thought that, uh, that maybe we could just hang out, y'know? I mean you did help me a lot, so I figure why not give you some company outside of all those old people or whatever back at the palace," Percy admits.

"That doesn't sound horrible. You are quite interesting, I would like to get to know you more as well. And yes, I could use some time away from my fellow Nereids at the palace," you sheepishly say.

"That's what I thought. Hey, by the way, you never told me who your parents were. You know who my dad and mom are, but I don't know either of yours."

"Ah, my mother is a bit more obscure nowadays, as she's not one of the Goddesses that the Greeks traditionally worship as they do the Olympians. She is a water nymph, but also a Goddess, and unfortunately is no longer worshipped in the same proportion as she was in Ancient Greece," you sadly explain.

"Huh, that's pretty cool. I mean, not the part that she's not really worshipped anymore, but the part of her being a nymph and a Goddess. Um, anyways, do you ever talk to my dad?"

"Occasionally, your father will ask me to accompany him or to do various tasks. He is a kind man, I do like his presence, if that is what you were trying to get at."

"That's good. I've only talked to him a few times, but I figured he was a nice guy," Percy grins, "Do you ever get to talk to your mom?"

"Yes, my mother, Thetis, and I are quite close. She lives in the palace with me."

"Wow, I'll be honest, I'm kinda jealous. I mean, I think my dad is cool, and I know he's like a big shot Olympian and whatever, but I think it'd be nice if we could actually talk in person and bond or whatever," he admits.

"Yes, I understand. It must be hard, but for the majority of the year, you have your mother, yes? Or are you a year-round camper?"

"Yeah, you're right. I do have my mom for most of the year, so it's worth it. She's the best," he cheers up at the mention of his mother.

"I figured you would say that. She raised you well. You are much kinder than some of the campers here, but I suppose that is not their fault."

"Nah, it's not. It is what it is sometimes."

You nod, and the conversation flows smoothly on.

𓂃 𓈒𓏸

Today was the last day that Percy would be at camp, since his mother was picking him up later that day after lunch.

He decided that since he only had a few hours left at camp for the summer, he would spend them with the person he now considered one of his closest friends, even though he'd only really known you for a few months at this point.

When he called your name, you appeared almost instantly.

"Hey, Percy," you said, grinning.

"Switching up the greeting today?"

"I suppose since today was your last day here, I would start trying to speak like you and perhaps by the time you came back from school, I would speak more 'naturally,' as you put it."

"Huh, the way you talk doesn't actually bother me, y'know."

"That may be true, but I would like to learn to speak more modernly anyhow."

"If you want to, go for it. But uh, I thought maybe we could do that thing, it's called like, Iris messaging or something? With the drachmas? Then we could keep in touch while I'm at school, too," Percy says nervously.

"That does sound like a good idea. Now that we're friends, I think it would be optimal that we spoke frequently and updated each other on our lives. Good thinking."

He chuckled. "Good, good. I, uh, also wanted to say that... well, I think you're really pretty, and I thought maybe next summer, we could, uh, maybe go on a date or something. I don't know if you feel the same way, but if you do and you do want to, that would be pretty cool," he rambles, interrupted by the foreign feeling of your lips on his.

After a few moments, you detach your mouth from his. "Was that, uh, alright?" You quietly ask.

"Yeah, jeez, that was way better than alright. That was perfect," he says, a deep red adorning his cheeks.

"That is excellent to hear," you say, smiling wider than you'd ever in your life.

"Well, I need to go to lunch, and uh, then my mom is picking me up. I'll Iris message you as soon as I get home, okay? So make sure you're ready."

"See you tonight, Percy," you happily state, dissolving back into the water as quickly as you had appeared.

He stares into the beautiful clear water for a bit before he walks away, unaware that you had appeared again and were watching him walk away, a look of adoration decorating your features.

[ladytabletop]

Do you happen to have any resources regarding accessibility in ttrpg design? About design, colours, phrasing of text or anything else that could be helpful!

I spent wayyyyy too long compiling all this - but it's important, and I appreciate you asking!!

Accessibility is a subject near and dear to my heart, and I will say up front that I'm not sure universal (aka accessible to everyone) design is possible, because people's needs can vary even within the same subset of similar disabilities (such as limited vision or blindness). BUT that doesn't mean we don't try to design for and make our games available to as many people as possible. Mismatch by Kat Holmes is a great read on design for accessibility in general, as is Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez. You might also check out literally anything Alice Wong has ever done.

To start, I recommend this article on the Lenses of Accessibility.

(for reference, this article is about web/graphic design, so I'm going to try and distill the most salient points for game design)

We are going to primarily focus on a few of these lenses:

Color

Font

Images & Icons

Layout

Readability

Structure

Keyboard

More details under the cut.

Color

Why does color matter? Well, for starters, there's a lot of colorblind people out there. Contrast affects readability. Autistic people and people who suffer from occular migraines might be affected by particular vivid colors. There's lots of reasons to consider color and the work it is doing in your piece, but in general you can provide a black and white, high contrast version of your game to help users.

There are tools out there to figure out if your contrast meets certain readability standards, such as this one.

Font

Dyslexia and other visual processing issues can make font choice really important. Plus, some fonts really affect readability. Additionally, line height, justification, and size of text can affect readability.

Best practice would be to provide a plain-text version of your game (and beware of "dyslexia-friendly" fonts which may or may not actually help - sticking to a basic readability font like Arial, Tahoma, or Verdana, is safest). I like this style guide for reference.

Images & Icons

For visually-impaired people, it's important to use alt-text, descriptions, and/or captions to help screenreaders properly translate images. Tons and tons of details that could go into this, but there are better people than me to describe it.

Layout

We've talked about this a bit, but there's tons of resources for this. There was recently a great writeup about Yazeba's Bed and Breakfast in terms of layout that I highly recommend.

Readability

More of the thing we've already talked about - it really is a combination of all the other lenses that comes down to readability. Audio versions of your game are always a good way to avoid the restrictions of screen readers, but can be expensive to produce.

Structure

This is tables. Tables are a nightmare for screenreaders, but including them as images can also be a problem. The short solution is "don't use tables" but that's not necessarily great for seeing people. The section in this blog is really great when talking about options for structure.

Keyboard

Debated on whether to include this, but given how many games are being read as purely digital files, I think it's important to have workable interactive elements that can be navigated through without a mouse. Some of that is going to come down to the programs being used to open your files. But if there are things you can do on your end (such as labeling form fillable fields on an interactive character sheet), they're worth doing!

Please understand that this isn't an exhaustive list. There's tons of resources out there and technology and standards are constantly changing.

It's also is important to note that even doing one of these things is helpful. You might look at this list and go "wow that's too hard" but I promise you, it's worth it. My games do not all have accessible versions! That's something I'm trying to rectify. The biggest part of that for me is thinking about accessibility from the start instead of at the end! But we can start today, and that's better than not starting.

The most important thing to remember are that disabled people are NOT a monolith - needs will differ from person to person. Accessible design makes gaming better for everyone!

Final Resources:

Accessibility in InDesign

Accessible-RPG

A11Y

Accessible Design for Teams

[askblueandviolet]

DF: Hey so you guys know how once upon a time I had mentioned that I would be writing an LBD centric prequel to Blue and Violet in an author's note in one of the last chapters of Colours?

It's definitely still happening if some of you were waiting for it!!! It's just, I haven't been working on it lately (⁠^⁠～⁠^⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ. Actually, I've barely worked on it at all. Technically, I am more than a third way through writing it because it's only a three chaptered fic (well, that's the plan as of 'right now') and I have the outline of the whole thing pretty set in stone (aka, I know exactly what's going to happen).

The first chapter of it is... Actually, it's already done! Pretty terrible draft but not something some quick editing can't fix! But me being me, I don't particularly like to publish chapters unless I have some more chapters in the backlog to be published the following week (to uphold a consistent schedule). Hence, why I'm able to keep up the weekly update schedule!

However, I... Genuinely don't know how long it is going to take me to write the other two chapters. Because my brain is not good at multitasking. So, since my main focus is on Winter Mornings, Summer Nights (WMSN), this ask blog, and my life outside of the internet, it's hard to find time and energy to actually... Write the prequel I've been wanting to write for ages. A piece of work that I really wanted to share before WMSN came out because it's actually meant to be read after Colours (despite literally being a prequel. But it contains so many spoilers for the timeline beyond it because ITS LBD'S POV) but lmao it is what it is.

HOWEVER: If you are all willing to endure the very unreliable production of the prequel (it literally could take me months to dish out the second chapter), I could publish the first chapter for it! Just so you guys can like, I don't know, consume it.

Um, do bear in mind though, I might not end up following the results of this poll. Because I don't know, I'm a little silly I guess (or just incredibly unreliable lmao). But I will take the results from this into consideration! Ultimately, I will try to do what I feel like is best for you guys and the series (and my own sanity too I guess).

So, this is more of an update post than anything else. To tell you guys that I'm working on the thing, I swear XDDD!!! But if you guys really want to see some of it now, I am willing to share what I currently have :DDD.

[transpersian]

Why did you tell the blogs to stop talking about Poppy’s cousin? You realize how bad this looks right?

I always approached this conflict from an evidence-based perspective. There are so many arguments that could be brought against this particular piece of info that it makes it too much of a non-starter.

The biggest part is that if it's something that happened literally three decades ago, it's going to be hard to argue that Poppy is even the same person anymore. It can immediately be crushed by any discussion of rehabilitation and growth.

But then there's the entire rest of the situation that we literally know nothing about. What are you going to do, call her mom and ask her for dirt? All you have is the basic allegation.

THAT IS A WEAK FUCKING ARGUMENT.

Just because I wasn't ready to shout something from the rooftops doesn't mean I was trying to hide it. Why do you think internet conflict goes out of control so often? Most people involved are fueled by outrage and conjecture. That doesn't win anything.

Like I said, my methods were always focused on an evidentiary approach. It doesn't have to be enough to show in court, but I needed to have something to back up my claims other than, "Well we heard she did this at one point!"

Do you really think she'd bring it up on stream like that if she wasn't confident in her argument protecting her from it?

If you think that "looks bad," then you're not thinking about this conflict from a level-headed, big-picture perspective. I've been involved in this kind of thing before, but in real-world communities where loyalties were much deeper and people preferred to stay out of it much more. You people need to start thinking about this like detectives and lawyers, not teenagers gasping at every new piece of info and going "I KNEW IT" like this is going the be the thing that brings her down.

You can't just jab your finger at some deep lore and go "SEE??" and then have no follow-up if someone asks other than, "Um... it's bad!"

At the VERY least, have the fucking due diligence of someone writing a college essay, for fuck sakes. Y'all don't even have that. Are you seriously coming after me with "dO yOu KnOw HoW bAd ThAt LoOkS" based on arguments like this? Miss me with that shit. No wonder nobody listens to you.

Grow up. Focus. Stop reacting, slow down and start thinking.

I didn't just grab anything that could look bad and throw it at them. Same thing when it came to anything about AnnieGal (or at least before she put a flashing neon sign over herself), or Laurelai Bailey, or a bunch of other things we heard reliable testimony about.

Did they look bad? Yeah they did. But I knew the tactics she'd use to fight against them and I only wanted to use rock-solid arguments. If you want to bring someone down for the threat they pose, the strongest evidence is current evidence.

You only have so many shots where people will listen to you in situations like this. I just didn't waste those opportunities on weaker shots. I wanted everything I brought to the table to be a haymaker with the weight of extensive evidence. I wanted things they couldn't deny.

This isn't fucking gossip. You want to win? Get a grip and get serious.

Every attempt to paint me the villain has been laughable so far because I have the feeling it's coming from a place that's basically ruled by this kind of reactionary, impulsive thinking.

I'm playing chess. Y'all aren't even playing checkers, you're playing fucking Parcheesi.

Stop wasting everyone's time, especially mine. You have no idea what I'm doing or going through.

[sneezemonster15]

hi. some ss fans think sakura wanted to die with sasuke when she tried to kill him 😭😭😭 they think so bc when she confessed at war she said "we can't stab each other". do you think if she really wanted to do so, for what reason? it seems to me that it is clearly not out of her "great" love for him.

Hi.

One piece of advice to anyone who follows this blog : Discredit anything that SS fans tell you right away. Like without thinking. Like lightning fast. Because that's all they deserve and you deserve to get good returns on your time and effort, so don't bother to waste your grey cells thinking about their rants. They are insanely irrational and delusional. Just dismiss their theories, and laugh at them. It's all their theories are good for. Comedy material.

During the war arc, Sakura only starts to get significant footage after Sasuke arrives on the scene, before that we see her only twice or so, for a handful of panels that I can count on my fingers. War arc is over 200 chapters long, lol. Like damn. It's because her character revolves around Sasuke and so her 'relevance' is mostly only highlighted when Sasuke is around. And no wonder, because as soon as he enters the war fields, she starts to arrogantly show off and jump around, but mostly getting struck down anyway. Lol. But otherwise Kishi cannot bother to waste panel space on her, shows how much he thinks of her, lol. Kishi emphasizes over and over again how futile her attempts to attract Sauske's attention were. Throughout war arc.

Sasuke just cannot bother with her, could not give a fuck.

Even before this, in kage arc, Sasuke is bent on killing Sakura who just attempted to trick him, thinking someone like Sasuke would fall for sabotage orchestrated by someone like her, who doesn't even know how to set a trap right. Lol. But he doesn't stop, and attempts to kill her the second time in defence. Of course Naruto rescues her, like always. Naruto arrives and talks to Sasuke, so a seething, overwhelmed, and enraged Sasuke calms down. And accepts Naruto's proposal. She sees all of this.

She is weak and needs to be rescued over 90 percent of the time. The only time she is actually able to perform adequately is when there's someone else pulling her strings, literally in Chiyo's case. In war arc, she punches the ground and kills a few fodder ten tail minions. That's all. After that, she tries to charge at Madara mindlessly and gets stabbed. She isn't able to stab Obito's eye. She is only able to punch Kaguya because Kakashi diligently sets it up for her. She gets beaten up by Kumo warriors when they arrive in Konoha to gather info on Sasuke and needs to be again rescued by Naruto. She needs to be rescued in Pein arc as well when she screams for Naruto. Even during the second bell test, it's Naruto who figures out how to trick and defeat Kakashi, not Sakura. She was useless in part one, she could not stop Sasuke, wasn't even a part of Sasuke retrieval arc. So she decides that she would train. She gets some credit when she fights Sasori but it's honestly only because of Chiyo. She gets knocked out by Kabuto in such a silly way. All the other times, she either just stands around or heals people.

In the war arc, she tries to get Sasuke's attention so she performs for him, of course, who cares there is a war going on, she would rather focus on her vanity. Because that's just who she is, a narcissistic character. But he doesn't even glance at her. Instead, his focus is completely set on the enemy and Naruto. If he needs to discuss something, he talks to Naruto. If he needs to explain something, he talks to Naruto, if he needs to plan an attack or devise strategies, Naruto. He doesn't even consider Sakura worthy of sharing his plans because what's she gonna do? He could see that she wasn't able to do much other than trying to show off, Sasuke understands her nature pretty well.

She knows Sasuke would go to extreme lengths to protect Naruto but wouldn't even care for her if she was on the verge of death. Even in part one, he always prioritized Naruto over her. That's just how it is. She is jealous of Naruto. Resentful.

Which is why she says this.

In her highly inappropriate and deeply ill timed confession, she whines to Sasuke that she knows she cannot be an equal to him like how Naruto is. Not emotionally or in physical strength. She cannot get close to him, like Naruto is. She cannot exchange blows with him, like Naruto does. What she can do is cry, whine and beg and yes, which she does and yes, it very much is pitiful.

This is the context.

Honestly, this is such a simple scene. Simple meaning. The context is so damn clear. SS try to cope so damn much, they twist and deform everything.

I would also like to suggest fans to give the scene a read themselves when they hear SS say something. Just a cursory read will do and it will be clear as crystal. There's no need to be confused. Kishi is a very generous writer. What he wants to tell you, he will and he does, just listen to him. Don't pay attention to SS stans or any of their theories. They can't help being themselves.

[directdogman]

hey howdy hey! first off, i wanna say that ive been following dialtown since it was a wee baby demo and i have loved to see every inch of progress it has made. i love this game to bits. i can't accurately express how much of a comfort game it is to me, or compliment the writing enough, but rest assured that i believe it's a fockin masterpiece (even if that means i am damned to hell. i welcome u, phone-satan)

that being said! woe be upon ye, i have lore questions for ya (and i'll probably ask more at a later date)

i would love to hear more about callum crown. literally any detail(s) you can comfortably give that wouldn't spoil a potential sequel or that 30-page lore doc (tho , gotta say, i wanna see that lore doc real bad).

you've said before that you'd like to expand on the singular timeline (how all of the routes coalesce in chapter 3) in dialtown, but that it's tough to put the words you have on paper into words on tumblr. i've got time. lemme read info on the timeline i beg of you

is there any particular reason that phonegingi's head resembles callum's, to the point that callum's 3D model head uses gingi's as a base?? there are hints (i use that term loosely) on your blog that gingi might have modeled their head after callum's. is there anything to that?

moreover, i'd like to know if there's more of a connection between callum and gingi than the heads alone. i mean, gingi literally hears callum's voice before hearing anything about the guy, and they can also somehow read his postcard (without the narrator) DESPITE being illiterate?

finally, a silly one, since winter is upon us! how does norm handle dialtown's winters, being a native arizonan/texan and all? as somebody who lived in arizona, lemme tell ya, the folks there don't take kindly to winter.

i know this is a lot, so thank you if you even took the time to read lol

Some really interesting questions here. I could write an essay in response to some of these questions, which means you’ve undoubtedly asked some good questions heh. You're a sharp one. Lemme answer these as best I can without anticlimactically revealing essential lore in this random tumblr post heh heh

> "i would love to hear more about callum crown. literally any detail(s) you can comfortably give that wouldn't spoil a potential sequel or that 30-page lore doc (tho , gotta say, i wanna see that lore doc real bad)." The stupid thing about that lore doc is that it should be even LONGER. While parts of the Dialup are explained, parts are left out, because I realized that explaining it would require adequately explaining a piece of very strange context regarding another character. Long story short, it connects to something that should ordinarily be very far removed from Crown's tale, so I left it out. I actually left entire pages out to avoid having to explain who someone previously unmentioned in the doc was. Crown's story is funny in the sense that so much of it is why Dialtown (both the game and the city) is the way it is, but the main story of Dialtown is so far removed from it, the only connections to it remaining being Mingus/Norm's beef. Norm's account of Crown's life isn't exactly inaccurate, no one thing he says is technically incorrect, but it misses vital context that completely changes parts of it. Norm missed the end of Crown's presidency, so he also had to learn from revisionist/secondary sources. Some parts are overly detailed, while other parts aren't. EG: Crown's early life has a LOT of focus, but as the timeline gets closer to the end, the detail slows down. Crown's two years of 'honorary leader of the UN' is brushed over, a title that implies he had control over the entire world briefly. As Norm's extras menu implies, Norm is (just like in Mingus) in partial denial about aspects of Crown's leadership and is also in the dark about the behind the scenes stuff from Crown's presidency. Crown's vice president (and best friend, Milton R. Wallace) ended his life after falling out with Crown over the Dialup, and the postcard read in chapter 3 heavily implies that Marla had returned to Dialtown without Crown after he left office. Since Mingus exists, we know Marla + Crown had at least one kid together. Could you imagine trying to raise a young family with the most powerful man in the world, a man who plans his day down to the hour, all without even having a permanent address? Crown’s final days were lonelier than Norm knows and I’d love to discuss them more one day.    

> “you've said before that you'd like to expand on the singular timeline (how all of the routes coalesce in chapter 3) in dialtown, but that it's tough to put the words you have on paper into words on tumblr. i've got time. lemme read info on the timeline i beg of you” There isn’t much I can really say about the timeline without just calling attention to what’s already seen in-game. Any instance in-game where time seems to be falling apart, there’s common visual signs that reality itself is tearing apart at the seams, hell, even outside of the main endings. Only one character in the cast seems to be really aware of this and... Well, seeing God binge-drinking on the curb is usually a bad sign of what’s to come. Hitchcock’s advice for writers who wanna add suspense to a scene is to make people unaware of something significant that’s about to happen. Example: Two men sitting at a table in a diner, talking about something, say, like football... Not a massively suspenseful scene. However, add a live bomb underneath the table, and establish that neither of the men know that it’s there, and every second of that scene will feel like hours, as you hope to GOD that one of the men will look under the table and notice the bomb before it goes off. The bomb under Dialtown’s ‘table’ has a long fuse, but the clock’s ticking down. A lot of what people have noticed regarding Dialtown’s time fuckery is a symptom of something (or someone?) desperately trying to plug up holes in a sinking ship. Anyway, I think I’ve said enough.    

> “is there any particular reason that phonegingi's head resemblescallum's, to the point that callum's 3D model head uses gingi's as abase?? there are hints (i use that term loosely) on your blog that gingi might have modeled their head after callum's. is there anything to that?” Fun question, and a tough one to wrap your head around. Callum Crown’s fame makes it impossible to tell if there really is any connection between him and Gingi’s appearance outside of an eerie coincidence. If Gingi’s head resembled a frankensteined JFK, I don’t think anyone would think for a moment that it meant that JFK and Gingi shared a direct connection, of course, and same for say, Mr Bean and the like. But Crown himself also being connected directly to Norm + Mingus makes it strange. Maybe it’s just the universe’s weird way of doing things, or maybe caused by an intrinsically unknown force? Maybe whoever built Gingi’s phone head just felt that it should look like the most powerful man on earth? Lotta possibilities. I mean. Like, I know the answer. But, for you guys, maaany possibilities!  

> “moreover, i'd like to know if there's more of a connection between callum and gingi than the heads alone. i mean, gingi literally hears callum's voice before hearing anything about the guy, and they can also somehow read his postcard (without the narrator) DESPITE being illiterate?” Again, gotta commend your sharpness, I’ve heard very few people really ask about this. The big issue with the question, of course, is how utterly abnormal Gingi is. God outright implies that Gingi is some sort of time anomaly, since he’s never seen anything quite like Gingi before, and with some of Gingi’s 4th wall breaking dialogue, it seems Gingi has some fleeting awareness of events in other timelines, somehow. That’s excluding Gingi’s weird biology or the fact that Gingi can hear sentient voices. Gingi is unique. You’re right that Gingi being able to hear Crown is abnormal, and combined with, like you said, them having similar appearances (and hell, I’ll add fuel to the fire: how transfixed Crown was with Gingi in that memory Mingus tearfully recounts during the climax, the one where Crown stares at Gingi while Gingi rummages through the garbage outside his window at the nursing home), there’s enough of a connection to be weird, but not enough of one to say anything conclusive. In my eyes, though, I reckon that some universal force could be drawing these two weirdos together, almost like a moth to a lamp. Birds of a feather.   

> “finally, a silly one, since winter is upon us! how does norm handle dialtown's winters, being a native arizonan/texan and all? as somebody who lived in arizona, lemme tell ya, the folks there don't take kindly to winter.” I imagine when he lived in the cabin, during the winter, Norm CONSTANTLY had a fire lit and basically didn’t leave it. Probably had some kind of insane insulation through hunting animals and shoving the pelts into the walls, or something. I guess he wouldn’t had the time to kill, alright.

Thanks for the great questions. Sorry for the vagueness, but hope you got something out of these answers regardless! Some of this stuff will for sure be coming up in future Dialtown stuff! Knowledge is pain!

[onlyancunin]

So I've been tagged

By this lovely little soul that goes by the handle of @treshmind. And apparently I am the mutual they want to learn more about, which is a compliment I will hold dear and near.

Do you make your bed? People say your body is your temple. My temple is my bed, a direct reflection of how I'm doing. And right now literally everything is there, not to mention I technically sleep on a couch. But I get by, Imake my little space everyday to catch a few zzs.

Favourite number? Not sure if I have one. Probably not. Seven rings nice though. I always considered it to be the "proud" number, as it looks like a person with their chest forward. Much like the idle stance of everyone's favourite vampire.

What’s your job? Graphic / UX / UI Designer & Front-end developer. 10 years a designer, now venturing into IT. I love creating pretty things that touch people, so to speak, figuratively and literally. Something that hits them and/or they can interact with. Creating experiences, waving stories. I learned HTML & CSS when I was like 15, had a blog and couldn't find a nice skin for it - so I just coded my own. Javascript, typescript and vue.js came along last year and honestly, I'm having a blast. And no, pls don't look at my tumblr, I did code its appearance bit, but it's just tweaks, it doesn't say anything about my skills.

If you could go back to school would you? I would actually and it's something I'm considering. One for front-end development to give myself stronger foundation and boost of confidence, and another for foreign language. Spanish & German have my special attention there.

Can you parallel park? I'm willing to try!

Do you think aliens are real? I always have a hard time defining "aliens". I think most people's perception of what counts as "living" is limited at best and hypocritical at worst. I've heard of bacterias having a better time than some of the fully-formed, fully-conscious humans on Earth. Add humanity's general complex of seeing themselves as the most complex existence in the history and you can probably cook up my general stance on the topic. I don't think Earth is the only place there's a "life" on, but aliens understood as extraterrestrial livings, are probably not modeled after the evolutionary fart currently dominating the 3rd planet from the Sun.

Can you drive a manual car? I can, actually. My father is a car mechanic, I take these things pretty seriously, you know. Should I ever have a car, I don't think I'd go for automatic.

What’s your guilty pleasure? To be fair, all my pleasures are guilty. But as it stands now, my most guilty would be to indulge in my feelings and let myself play a game or doodle or write something while knowing there's piles of work I'm behind on.

Tattoos? One on my back between my shoulder blades, just a standard egdy barcode with my birthdate underneath. And one over my heart (or just over my left tit, let's be honest) saying "Ideas are bulletproof", but mirrored - so that I can read it when I look in the mirror.

Favourite colour? Black, red. I usually wear all black with golden accessories and absolutely seizure-inducing, colorful singular statement pieces.

Favourite types of music? Not sure what counts as "favourite" as I prefer music that makes me feel things, whatever the genre. I like the experimental, funky sound, but I also enjoy the deeply consuming sound of progressive electronic music, which help me deep-focus at work, so there's that ~. And oh, I love voices. Talented voices, singing voices, raw, honest voices. I sing a little and enjoy admiring this craft in others.

Do you like puzzles? Oh absolutely. I'm already hooked.

Any phobias? I thought I was afraid of spiders until I lived with a girl who was REALLY afraid of them and I stepped in as this chivalrous knight in shining armor charging at the beast and – So no, not really.

Favourite childhood sport? I actually participated in a lot of disciplines. I wish I gave acrobatics more time & attention. It felt so freeing and beautiful. So poetic, almost.

Do you talk to yourself? Like out loud? Not anymore, but I do have an old pal on me in my head which is eyyyyy, isn't that me?

What movies do you adore? "V for Vendetta" - about how trauma can reduce a person into a concept. In this case - a concept of vengeance. Dangerous, loveable, tragic concept I resonate with very much. This is also the movie where my tattoo quote comes from.

Where I validated my stance that you don't really need to see the other person to know and love them.

Your experiences and feelings are just as valid, even if someone misled you or you never truly met. And the masks and theatrics cannot really conceal what's truly important, so don't be afraid to just... feel.

Coffee or tea? Coffee, freshly ground & brewed, unless I have the instant kind of day, with milk. Tea - preferably Dilmah, either green or earl grey.

First thing you wanted to be growing up? Oh, an artist probably. Little did I know how difficult and anxiety-inducing it would prove.

----

No pressure tags: @herdarkestnightelegance, @thedomesticanthropologist, @nocna-orchidea

[leonardalphachurch]

What are some of your favorite Chucker fics?

okay. heavy weather by shir_khan genuinely changed my brain chemistry. it’s one of those pieces of art where i’m like. this deserves better than to be in the red vs blue fandom. it’s literally written in a way that feels like home. SUCH good characterizations of tucker and church. the use of the other characters is also so fun. i think about caboose on spring break every day of my life. warnings of uh natural disasters and also some sex scenes.

other fics. uh i won’t lie to you most of the stuff we read nowadays is. smut. but this is a general blog so i’m not recommending porn LMFAO. i guess if ppl want that i can make another post using the community label thing?

his name is no one by clockwords is a great college au. haven’t read it in years so i can’t warn for anything or give specifics but i remember liking it a lot. also maybe just now realizing we never read the sequel?? wild.

murderer’s row by violentmedic is a fantastic fic but HEED THE WARNINGS it is fuckt up. also doesn’t have a chucker focus but it is one of the main ships.

sharing is caring by prim_the_amazing is a REALLY good take on ai and human mind melding type things. also includes caboose and chucker+caboose is literally the most important relationship dynamic.

machine learning by cosmobot isn’t very chucker-y but it does have tucker and church actually hashing out their season 12 argument and i LOVE when characters fight

the church bunch by hanktalkin is a fluffy single parent au that’s very cute

the things we wish we could forget by rainycat is a REALLY good merc!alpha au. unfortunately we can’t finish it due to personal triggers wrt merc!alpha stuff BUT that shouldn’t stop you from reading it it’s really good. i think it’s the only thing on this list where church being a system is explicit and relevant LMFAO rvb fandom sucks at keeping its plural characters plural. god like with alpha it’s forgivable cause he’s an empty system but epsilon is CANONICALLY PLURAL it’s RIGHT THERE it ACTIVELY AFFECTS HIM. i’m getting off topic

i know there have been other good fics we’ve read over the years but we either don’t remember the titles or they were deleted. if anyone has other reccs feel free to add them on in a reblog.

[yxkshaa]

GOOBYE AGAIN | DILUC

for @bluexiao ‘s 5k collab event <3

Being Diluc's lover was simply heaven, you were his angel. The love of his life, even.

Every waking moment was filled with the pure bliss of him loving you. The knowing glances across the bar, the brush of his hand against yours when in public, even the searing trails of his lips when you were at the dawn winery. It was everything you could have ever asked for. He was everything you could have ever asked for.

⠀

There was just one teensy-weensy problem.

You're, well, an archon, and not just any archon...

To say it shortly, you are the Tsaritsa. Yes, that Tsaritsa.

Why you were in Mondstat? Well, it's a long story...

⠀

You came originally to check on the status of Fatui operations in the city, namely the deal with the Lawrence Clan. You were under the guise of a visionless traveler. You had nothing but the sword on your back, or at least that was how it appeared.

A god, that's what you were, and that's what allowed you to change your appearance the way you did. Centuries of muscle and battle scars faded to s/c skin. Striking white hair was now h/c, your icy gaze now e/c.

You were a new person. You were just a person.

⠀

Barbatos sensed you first. Hell, he knew you were there the second you entered his borders. The winds whipped around you, urging you, pleading for you to leave.

Once you assured your old friend that you meant no harm to his precious Mondstat, the gusts stilled, but you knew he was still watching you.

⠀

When you reached the walls of the city you were welcomed by the knights greeting you, which was...strange. But, you got in. Seems that your mortal skills were better than you thought.

And as soon as you stepped through those gates you saw him, him in all his glory.

Diluc Ragnvindr, the love of your immortal life.

⠀

It all spiraled from there. You first spoke to him when you walked into the tavern, looking for a good drink. The second you saw him behind the bar, hair up in a higher ponytail than before, you knew. You knew that you would not leave this nation without missing him.

What you didn't expect was for him to meet your eyes from across the room that night. And what you expected even less was the fire that is lit in your frosted-over heart.

You left the bar in a panic, thinking that something was wrong with you

⠀

You spoke to him the next day when you were at Good Hunter. You had ordered some Mondstat grilled fish, wanted to at least enjoy your time here. Behind you was the sound of someone clearing their throat.

When you turned you saw him, fiery red hair and all. You felt like his gaze was analyzing you, it made you worry that your cover was blown.

"I apologize if I'm intruding, but I wanted to check up on you. You seemed rather panicked when you erm- fled from my tavern," his voice was like dark chocolate. Rich, smooth, and deep.

"Oh! I'm sorry if I worried you, sir, I had remembered something I had to do. I'll be sure to stop by and get a drink soon," your words dripped from your tongue like honey, sweet enough to draw anyone into your trap.

Not him, he simply nodded and walked off. You were rendered stunned until you heard Sara calling your name for your order.

Now, it was a challenge.

⠀

You did go for that drink, but what you, again, did not expect was for Barbatos to be there. His current form was not any different, apart from the attire. Slumped over the counter begging for "just one more" glass of wine, no wonder he got his Gnosis taken; a damn drunkard. Well, he was no better than Morax, if you ever heard "Osmanthus wine" again, you would take over Liuye just to stop the production of it.

Anyways.

Again your eyes were locked with his, and as the same feeling arose in your chest, the urge to flee grew. But it was suppressed as you walked to the bar, taking a seat.

"I expected you to run off again, looked like a deer in headlights," his tone was chiding, arms crossed with a glint of mischief in his eyes. But his face remained blank, painfully so.

"Apologies, I was not expecting to see a bard slumped over your counter; strong stuff?" You felt Barbatos slap wind on your arm, glaring at you from a few barstools down.

The man chuckled, looking over at said-bard, who was now pretending to be fast asleep.

"Yeah, that's Venti, racked up quite the tab just tonight. He may not look like it but he can throw back wine like nobody's business." He spoke, he masked it in irritation but there was an obvious fondness laced in his voice.

From there, talking was natural.

⠀

It had finally come to the closing time for Angel's share. By now, your cheeks were flushed pink, you couldn't bother to tell if it was from the alcohol or your company. Rising to your feet you pulled out your pouch of mora, but he shook his head.

"It's on the house if you tell me your name," smooth bastard. His eyes were nothing but curious, and with the comfort that he had no ill intent, you answered.

"Y/n, just Y/n"

"Well 'just Y/n', I'm Diluc. Diluc Ragnvindr"

With a smile, you left, but in the back of your mind was his name, with hearts.

⠀

Diluc has asked to court you not even a week later. He showed up at the door of your hotel room with a bouquet of Windwheel Asters.

It was awkward, clumsy, and clearly his first time.

You told yourself that you couldn't agree, that you would only be here for a month more.

But that all slipped from your mind, just like how the word "yes" slipped from your lips.

⠀

But your identity had caught up with you now, a month later.

With increasing concern from the Harbingers, you had to deliver a letter home.

So you went to the nearest Fatui camp, a letter penned and sealed in the Tsaritsa's hand in your grasp.

Yet again, the unexpected caught you off guard.

⠀

While you were instructing the soldiers of where to deliver it to, you were interrupted by shouts outside.

Drawing your sword, the tent flap was ripped open by your lover, who seemed just as surprised to see you.

But his expression grew enraged when the soldiers stepped in front of you and drew their weapons. To him, it seemed like they were taking you hostage. But all that shattered when a Cryo Gunner opened his mouth.

"Stand back Mx. Tsaritsa, we'll handle him!"

Your eyes flew wide, and you felt white-hot rage pierce through you. But before you could turn them into human popsicles, you remembered that Diluc was here and that he had heard that.

But it didn't look like he noticed, as he very quickly handled them.

You didn't know if you should be ashamed at the weakness of your soldiers or proud of your lover's strength.

Wordlessly you two walked back to the Dawn Winery

⠀

He didn't pop the question until you two were laying in bed that night. Your stomach sunk when the words left his mouth, you had been desperately hoping that he had forgotten

"Darling, those Fatui scum called you 'Mx. Tsaritsa', what was that about?" You could tell he knew, he was giving you one final chance, to be honest with him, and you took it.

"There was no mistake, I am indeed the Tsaritsa."

He was silent, staring into the blackness of the room. When you reached out to him, he flinched away.

That's when you knew you were no longer welcome here, in his bed, or his heart. So you rose and left, not wanting to breach the lines you had already so blatantly crossed any further.

⠀

As you reached the door you felt his hand rest on your arm, making you pause.

There was an uncomfortably comfortable silence before you broke it.

"Do you not trust me anymore?”

Again, silence.

"Diluc, please say something, anything. I cannot stand to not know whether you hate me or not, so if you do please just say it!" Your words came out in a frantic cry as you turned to him.

“That is indeed the problem… I trust you more.”

"What..?"

“Every day, I seem to fall deeper and deeper in love with you, my love. I wish that I could be mad at you, that I could hate you over this. But I can’t. So please. Stay.” There were tears in his eyes now too.

This situation was familiar for Diluc. He had let his brother go, no, driven him away, when he found out who he was. Diluc could not let that happen again. He would not be able to take it happening today.

So, with a sigh, you let him guide you back to bed. you let him hold you in his arms as he slept.

You let him love you again because you knew that you would not be there when he woke.

⠀

You weren't there when he woke.

Where you had been when his eyes shut was now occupied by a letter and a flower.

A letter signed "Just Y/n" and a Whindweel Aster.

As he read your letter he felt tears slide down his face, another one had slipped away from him.

But there was a feeling of peace in Diluc, knowing that in your memories he will live on, even beyond death.

Or at least, he hoped that you would remember him that long.

[writingwithfolklore]

Don't Write What You Know, Write Genuinely

                One of the most common pieces of writing advice other than “show don’t tell” is “write what you know”. It’s said so much that I think it’s lost a lot of meaning, and people tend to only focus on the literal meaning of ‘write about things that you know about’, which would completely erase fantasy, sci-fi, or just about any slightly fantastical fiction.

                So rather, you should think of it as ‘write genuinely’. Connect with yourself to connect with your readers, create emotional ties to your work, write with empathy, write what you know.

                There’s three things we can do to help connect us with concepts/places/experiences we don’t know, that’ll allow you to basically write whatever you want. Here’s what I do:             

Research

Anything you can learn about what you’re writing about can come in handy. I tend to avoid scholarly articles or Wikipedia when researching because I find having a list of facts doesn’t help as much as having a library of experiences. If I’m writing about California but have never been there, I could learn that rain is pretty uncommon and temperature averages however much during the summer, or I could read about someone talking about their childhood summers in heavy heat and icecream that melts faster than they can eat it.

                Essentially, unless you’re writing something with the intention of educating others—don’t worry as much about the facts, look for more about the feelings. Blogs, vlogs, personal journal entries, and other pieces of fiction is where it’s at.

2. Substitution

This is a method I learned in directing (created by Lee Strasberg) that’s a little controversial when using it with actors, but since we’re using it for ourselves it’s fine. Essentially, if actors are attempting a scene about a situation they’ve never been in before (I’ll use the example of moving out for the first time) the director will ask them to recall a situation with similar emotion even if the situation was different.

                So in our example, if you haven’t moved out yet but are writing a scene where your character is leaving home for the first time, you might be able to emotionally connect to that scene through recalling the emotions you went through the first time you went to sleep-over camp. Or the time your parents left you alone for the weekend for the first time. Anything with the similar emotions you imagine the situation would bring up (fear, anxiety, but a sense of freedom, excitement, unsureness).

                The reason why this is a bit of a controversial technique in directing is because asking actors to recall or share painful memories to get into a scene can be very upsetting or uncomfortable for them, so if you’re a director, be cautious with this!

3. Experiencing

Of course, this all comes back to what we talked about a couple weeks ago. Experiencing to know more. The more you know, the better you can write genuinely about it—so go out and gather some unique experiences!

                Good luck!

[taestefully-in-luv]

Love Again | PJM (Five)

Summary: A friend of yours is eager to introduce you to her new man but what happens when Park Jimin, the man who broke your heart 5 years ago walks in through the door?

Pairing: Jimin x Female reader

Genre: exes au, exes to ???, fluff, angst, smut

Word Count: 11.3k

Warnings: swearing, alcohol consumption, lots of crying, mentions of blood, character death, mention of multiple character deaths, very sad jimin, sad oc, misunderstandings, conflicted feelings, I think that’s all…

Notes: oh man, I hope you guys are ready for the messy ass mess to come, lol. I hope you continue to enjoy this story. Love hearing from you guys<3 Send an ask if you want to be added to a tag list or just want to chat:)

Tag list: @yoongimentita7 @rjsmochii @aria-grace-scott @ravensading @shrimpmsg @phossmos @ceyoongs @btsis7okay @loljrau @ggukkieland @forever-once-gone @taejoonswifey @awseokjin @telepathytae @ssaltytears @jikooksgirl19 @koreanaestheticc @shesoldbutcute @main-bangtansmauyeondan @mawwnsterr @dopedreamfireparty @bri-mal @callmejimmeo @bloopkook @ncizen @natalie-rdr @familiarlikemymirror3 @theestrangeddreamer @chimchimmarie @sugas-baby-girl @greezenini @somewhereinthestarss @keiarajm @80sbass @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @heem145 @ihrtjm @vonvi-blog

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous --- Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Jimin first laid eyes on Emma, he could quite literally feel his world changing around him. Emma Dubois, the star of the show, always proving to be the most captivating in a room. She was the definition of elegance and grace. She was the definition of talent and beauty. She was a star…there was no doubt in Jimin’s mind about that. She shimmered in the spot light and Jimin was completely taken when he saw how she glowed just as much off stage. He was sure he had seen no one like her before…this was instant admiration.

Jimin sits here, staring at you as you stare at him—waiting for some sort of explanation, no doubt. He gazes at you in wonder…just how similar are the two of you after all? He goes back into his memories, shifting through each one and tries to figure out which pieces are most important and relevant. Does he start from the beginning? Or does he spoil everything by telling you the end? Does he even tell you anything at all? Staring at you now, he sees all the words you want to say from your eyes alone…you’re curious. You’re hurt…it may have been five years but slivers of pain and neglect can still be seen in these eyes that he has missed.

He remembers imagining your eyes…looking just like they are right now and he’s hit with that similar pang of guilt he felt that first day. He remembers those first moments he laid eyes on Emma…telling himself it was instant admiration when later he convinced himself it was actually love at first sight. Guilt. Guilt because how is it possible to fall in love again? Guilt because it hasn’t been that long since you and he parted. Guilt because he pushed those thoughts away and let himself become engrossed in a new love.

This new love was different than what he got to experience with you…different could be good, right? Different was different! Jimin was fully captivated by Emma, yes…but they were both so entirely and fully focused on the same things. Their career. She challenged him like no other person has ever gotten to. Jimin admired her so much that taking his eyes off of her felt like something similar to a crime. She would scold him, playfully telling him to focus on his own work.

In the beginning things could not have been more perfect…new city, new love, new shows. New, new, new. It’s like life really began again. It’s like life was actually only truly just start—Jimin stops that thought from completing itself…a new life was starting. The life he shared with you was also real and it wasn’t something he wanted to disappear from his memories.

Jimin wants to laugh. Would it sound humorless and bitter? That might be the case but laughing about this now seems like the only appropriate thing. Laughing at himself seems like the thing he deserves. You have no idea, Jimin thinks. You have no idea how easy life was for him when he was with you…you have no idea because for you, you see him as the man who happily moved on only a few months later. Do you have any idea how long he was with Emma? Do you have any idea how grossly in love he was with her? Do you have any idea how abruptly their relationship ended? And do you have any idea that you, you were ultimately their downfall?

No, that part isn’t true. You weren’t their downfall. He was. And he isn’t sure their relationship truly ended abruptly either…he looks back now and realizes it was on the rise of a downfall much earlier than he had first thought. Laughing now is all he can do, right? In the end, he can only blame himself, right? In the end, someone like Taehyung was right all along. And he is much too prideful to tell Taehyung he was right.

“Jimin…” He hears you call his name. Your single word is soft. The tone of your voice is one he recognizes in half a heartbeat, he knows this tone better than he knows most things. The way you said his name is special for only him. Soft, tender and careful. Loving even. Well, maybe, he thinks.

“What happened in New York?” You tilt your head just slightly, your eyes focusing on his, boring into him intensely yet soft around the edges. You’re asking him directly. Of course, he was expecting this eventually. He knows you must have been curious since the first day you saw him. Most likely a million questions running through that pretty, busy mind of yours.

Once again he wonders to himself…does he start from the beginning or does he spoil the ending? Could you handle the journey? Could you listen to him talk about the time he fell in love for a second time in his life? Could you handle knowing that he has lived moments where he didn’t think of you? But her?

“Jimin.” You say his name again, observing how troubled his mind seems. “I’m not asking you to tell me about it because I feel like you owe me an explanation.” You sigh out, “I am not owed something like that…I’m a big girl. I understand we were broken up and I couldn’t have expected that you would stay stuck on me forever. It hurt at the time…it felt sudden to me. It felt like no time had passed at all but for you it was different, that’s okay. I—we can work through that at another time.” You scoot a little closer to him and reach for his beer bottle, taking it from his hands and setting it on the coffee table. “I am wanting you to tell me about it because I’m worried about you and maybe telling me…can help make you feel better?”

One side of Jimin’s lips slightly lift into a smile, his expression void of any real joy. The half-smile going on is another laugh in Jimin’s mind—the humorless and bitter laugh. He does want to tell you because it’s you. Because it’s especially you. But he understands the irony, shouldn’t he also not want to tell you? Because it’s you? Because it’s especially you?

“I know that whatever it is,” You begin again, your fingers lifting in hesitance before you reach for his hand. “I know it’s weighing heavily on you…you can talk to me, Jimin.”

A small, breathy laugh finally leaves Jimin’s mouth but his lips slightly quiver as he takes in a deep breath. He tries to keep his eyes on you, watching the way you fill with worry for him. But your face, your beautiful face is becoming blurred thanks to the layer of tears on his eyes. He takes another deep breath, his lips still curved into some sort of half smile as he tries to compose himself. You inch closer now, your thigh up against his. Your head leaning forward as you try to look at him, your brows furrowed and your lips slightly parted. He knows you’re worried. Your entire body and facial expressions give away how fucking worried you are.

“I’m sorry.” Jimin chokes out, his throat feels coarse. “I’m—I’m so sorry.” He begins blinking at you over and over, trying his best to clear some of these tears in his eyes so he can see you better.

“You don’t need to say sorry to me right now, Jimin.” You whisper to him. “This isn’t about me right now.”

“It is though.” His words begin getting stuck somewhere in his chest, hardly audible by the time they travel up his throat and leave his mouth. “I…I can’t tell you anything until you know how sorry I am.” He tells you. He holds your hand tighter, hoping you can sense his sincerity. “I didn’t know you were there opening night.”

“Would it have changed anything?” Your tone is light, your eyes staying on his. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s okay.”

Jimin knows you are right. He doesn’t think it would have changed anything…at that time he was in love—or maybe he was just starstruck. Even looking back he isn’t completely sure what it was. How it started.

But it did start—it started with his admiration and his charm, it started with her own growing interest and her own longing. Emma didn’t want to make any room in her life for a romantic partner but Jimin…Jimin was so alluring. She couldn’t stop herself and she couldn’t deny what was building between them.

Jimin remembers the way the two of them fit so easily with the other. They both had busy schedules and strict routines. They could understand each other, leading similar lives. Jimin’s admiration only grew bigger and bigger. Once they were together officially he didn’t stop himself from falling in love so hard.

Jimin sits here, his mind so concentrated on the word ‘love’. He loved her. He must have. But there is conflict in his heart. Emma was the most brilliant performer he had ever seen and he cherished her immensely. But how could Emma feel like someone so out of reach even when she was in his arms? Was it love? Maybe infatuation? Or was it…envy?

Two years had passed and Jimin and Emma seemed like the most picture perfect couple. With his admiration, Jimin tended to put Emma on a pedestal. He tried his hardest every single day to make sure he and her always remained in sync. He had to make sure for every second he was with or without her that the two of them had perfected perfection itself. Deep down, Jimin knew he felt this…this unbalance. He naturally always placed her way above him. Maybe that’s love, he thought. He was obsessed with perfection and he truly believed that them being together was an idea of perfect.

“Emma…” Jimin clears his throat, his hand remaining in yours. “Emma was perfect.” He admits, pausing to look at you, gauging your reaction from his comment. You don’t show any sign of discomfort, your expression remaining the same—worried. He continues, “I thought how could someone be like this? So effortless, it seemed.” Jimin feels his throat constrict. He tries to take a short break with some deep breaths.

“Take your time.” You whisper. “It’s okay.”

“It wasn’t effortless, though.” He swallows some spit, hoping to help with his drying throat. “She worked so hard to be that way. I had to work hard too…” His eyes meet yours, “She wasn’t easy to keep up with.”

You only look at him, not voicing your thoughts just yet. You can only imagine the pressure Jimin felt…he already works himself so harshly but…

“But it felt worth it.” He nods his head slowly, biting onto his lower lip, deciding if he wants to say the next part. But he does. “I loved her. But eventually the newness of a relationship had worn off. The part where each partner tries so hard for the other…making them feel loved…special even.”

Jimin remembers the long days, the long nights. Instead of a date, it was rehearsals. Instead of showing the other affection, it was kissing a costar. After nearly four years together he was beginning to feel so overworked and overwhelmed. Everything was always about how they could improve their next stages. She was as persistent with perfection as he was but he noticed they could never just…have fun. They could never fucking relax.

“Things were rocky between us for a while.” Jimin admits, his eyes lowered to his lap. He watches as your thumb brushes against the skin of his hand. “I was in denial about it though. I was so blinded because I loved her. I couldn’t admit that I was losing myself.” His voice cracks and he feels you flinch. “I was always reminded of you.” His voice is much quieter now. “Am I a fucking asshole for that?”

“Jimin…”

“There were so many amazing moments, don’t get me wrong.” Jimin lifts his eyes to look at you, “But overall, we were struggling.” Then he scoffs lightly, small smile. “Well, I was struggling. She had no idea things between us were so bad.”

“She…she had no idea?” You can’t help but ask, “I’m sure she knew.”

“Well, she kind of knew—thanks to Taehyung.” Jimin sounds irritated now, “That idiot mentioned something and she overheard it. Thanks to that small slip, she brought it up all the time. Anytime she felt things weren’t going okay between us she always mentioned it.”

“What was it?”

“You.” Jimin answers after a beat, “She never knew about you until then—”

“Wait.” You cut him off, “Is that why you are ignoring Taehyung…really?”

“No, not exactly.” Jimin answers softly, sighing out. “We got into a fight and I said some hurtful things…he was just trying to be honest with me and I was—I was stressed, y/n. I know that’s not an excuse but I was going crazy at that time. And I didn’t want to hear what he was telling me.”

“What we he telling you?” Your thumb continues to rub his skin.

Jimin thinks for a moment, recalling a specific memory.

“This isn’t healthy, Jimin.” Taehyung’s frown is set deep into his features. “It’s the same every time I’ve come to visit…”

“I’m just stressed.” Jimin doesn’t have time for this, he doesn’t want to have time for this. Taehyung’s disapproval is apparent and the irritation Jimin feels from it is pushing him further away—he isn’t sure the irritation is from the disapproval itself or because maybe he knows Taehyung is right.

“Stressed? Then when are you not?” Taehyung scoffs, his own irritation showing itself. “You weren’t like this before. You need a balance dude. Before with…with y/n, you knew when to draw the curtains closed. But with Emma? It’s like you never get off stage. You are always performing.”

“I don’t have time for this, Taehyung. I’m supposed to meet Emma in like 15 minutes.”

“She can’t understand that your best friend is visiting and maybe it’s okay to take a day off?”

“You don’t fucking understand.” Jimin stands abruptly, one shoes laces left untied. “I…” Jimin’s eyes are cold as he stares at Taehyung. “I don’t…I don’t have time for this.” He almost looks void of emotion before bending down again to finish up his other shoe.

“This isn’t you.” Taehyung decides to say his truth before turning away and heading towards his suitcase, zipping it up quickly and setting it down on the floor, he turns to face Jimin again, taking a deep breath. “You know there’s more to life than…” He gestures his hands around. “…this?”

“Taehyung—”

“Well, you used to know.”

“Taehyung was trying to warn me.” Jimin licks his drying lips, “It’s not that he didn’t like Emma…he just didn’t like who I was with Emma. She was seriously the sweetest fucking person. She was kind, she was beautiful, she was so passionate. But I think I can admit now…being with her I felt so on edge.” Jimin starts chewing on his lips now, feeling anxious. “You know what it’s like to never have a fucking moment to relax?” He looks at you, his expression pained.

At that time, Jimin found himself always comparing his experiences. Why did he always have to think of you? Why were you always in the back of his mind? Why couldn’t he just forget about you and how you made him feel? How come when he’s on stage performing and he knows Emma is watching that he can’t find his right footing? He can’t feel good about himself? When he performed and you were in the audience? He was comforted. He was confident. But with Emma, he was never perfect. He will never be good enough.

He was reaching his breaking point at that time. And finally, Emma knew it. She could finally see it, feel it. But as always she brought up you. It’s funny…she always brought you up but never once said your name. Jimin never said it either. But they both knew. She accused Jimin like she always did…why couldn’t he just be comfortable around her? She was so confused. And she had every right to be…she wasn’t doing anything wrong. This was all because of Jimin and his own thoughts. He was going crazy all by himself. Why was he never on her level? Was she always going to be this person that is always out of his reach? Was she always going to be someone he would never walk next to…was she always going to be so ahead of him?

“Third year…” Jimin reminds you, his voice soft and trembling now as he has all these memories fresh on his mind. “We almost broke up because you felt like I wasn’t anywhere near you…you felt—”

“Envious.” You finish for him. “I admired you for your passion but eventually it made me question myself, I guess.”

“Yeah.” Jimin nods, his throat bobbing as he swallows hard. “I get you now. I understand.” His voice shakes and he finally squeezes his eyes shut and you notice a couple of tears falling slowly from his lids. “I had this unhealthy idea.” He admits. And you can feel how hard it was for him to say that.

“But that idea doesn’t have to remain, Jimin.” You loosen your grip around his hand, leaving it altogether when you grab his shoulder, rubbing it softly. “I got over those feelings. You were never out of my reach. I created that mess in my own mind. And you…you assured me and I never felt that way again.”

“But that was you.” Jimin’s voiced is strained, struggling so hard at this point. “That was you and me.”

“It—”

“Emma was so sweet, y/n.” He chokes, “She meant well, she really did. But she was so focused on performance…she didn’t mean to neglect me.”

“I can’t imagine anyone neglecting you on purpose.” You smile towards him, your hand still on his shoulder. “I’m sure it was okay.”

“It almost was.” Jimin’s hands fidget around, grasping for anything for comfort—his jeans, the sofa cushion, anything. “I finally got the fucking courage and talked to her about it. And she was heartbroken that I was feeling that way. Of course, she was heartbroken.” Jimin smiles through some more tears. “She was an angel, the sweetest soul. Knowing she was hurting me made her feel awful.”

“See?” You squeeze his shoulder. “She didn’t want to neglect you, Jimin.”

“I know.” He nods, his hand reaching up to wipe away some tears and snot. “She promised things were going to get better. We were going to spend more time together, we were going to focus on things that had nothing to do with fucking stupid ass Broadway.”

“Then what happened? Did you two break up? Soon after? I assume a breakup happened considering you’re here…and Lucy…”

Jimin’s eyes slightly widen, he lifts his head to look into your eyes. He looks more pained than ever. He just nods his head. So they did break up, you think—and it must have been bad.

“What happened?” You’re cautious to ask this but you have a feeling this is the most important part of the story.

“There was a moment, a long stretch of moments, where I felt happy. She was still focused on things obviously but she made me feel more important. She made me feel that maybe there could be a balance between us. Then she surprised me.” Jimin is feeling weak, his hands still unsure of where to go. You finally notice, your hand leaving his shoulder to grab onto both of his hands in his lap. He sighs out, needing your comfort now more than ever.

Jimin takes his time thinking about what to say next. He knows he should leave some things out. For your sake, he thinks. He takes another deep breath, delving deeper into his memories from over a year ago. He remembers when Emma came to him, this look of purity and excitement gracing her features. She wrapped her arms around his waist and smiled at him knowingly…Jimin felt giddy just at the sight. He remembers asking her what’s got her so excited and she responded with a long kiss. She booked them a cabin in upstate New York for 5 days.

He felt ecstatic…they had been together at that point for over four years and had never taken a trip together. He knew this could really be what they needed—what he needed. He was already fantasizing what it would be like to sit inside the warm cabin, in front of a fire place with hot chocolate while it snowed outside. It was picture perfect—just like he has always imagined when it came to him and Emma.

“She planned a trip to upstate New York,” Jimin’s voice is quiet again, too soft to really understand but you still could hear him perfectly. “But on the drive there we got into a fight. I was already so tense from driving…the roads were so bad. Icy and so much snow was falling.”

Jimin knows this is the part of the story that he has the most trouble recalling. Since that morning before the drive there was already tension between him and Emma…the entire week leading up to the trip, Emma was busier than usual. Jimin tried not to think too much about it but it felt an awful a lot like how things were before she promised it wouldn’t be like that anymore.

Was he selfish? That’s all he kept asking himself. And she confirmed it when she told him that he was. But she regretted it, apologizing immediately and said they should just focus on how amazing this trip was going to be. He agreed but he still felt uneasy. The morning of she mentioned a small snowstorm and Jimin said maybe they should just postpone. But she knew they needed this. The both of them were clearly forcing some type of cheery atmosphere the entire drive. Until she made a comment—a comment about you—and he could not let that go.

She became theatrical—for a lack of better words—she was an actress after all. Going on and on about how he needs to get over you. This was ridiculous, he loved her but yet she still felt the need to bring you into their problems. She blamed you for their issues though, saying he needs to let go of this idea that every relationship will go the way it did with you. She said she’s sorry she can’t be his little cheerleader like how you were. That she can’t obsess over him the way you did, she can’t because she has her own shit going on.

This had pissed Jimin off. You weren’t a little cheerleader or obsessed. You were simply a supportive girlfriend. And if that’s the case he was a fucking little cheerleader for you as well, and just as fucking obsessive. In that moment, Jimin realized he and Emma will never have the balance he always dreamed of with her.

And in that moment, Emma realized it too. She had calmed down and looked straight ahead, watching the icy roads and commented how pretty the snow was. Jimin only nodded, staring straight ahead as well, his hands gripping the steering wheel, tighter and tighter. He knew she knew. And she knew he knew. But neither of them could voice it out loud. Both only focusing on how much snow was falling, how each flake had its own unique pattern and how each one fell so beautifully.

Jimin needed to fix what was going on. Maybe he was still in denial. Maybe he tries too hard. But what the hell else could he do? They’ve been together for so long now…but how could he fix all of it when they both knew this wasn’t fucking working? He remembers asking her if she loved him…and he remembers how soft her voice was when she responded with ‘yes’. He remembers telling her he loved her too. Because he did. So much. Even if it wasn’t something that was meant to be. He knew she was always going to compare herself to you. And he knew he was always going to compare as well…he wishes he could have blamed you for their ending relationship but he knows what a waste that would be—and how unfair that would be for you.

“It doesn’t matter what we fought about…” Jimin breathes out, his breaths are shallow and shaky. “It was enough to end our relationship.”

It breaks Jimin’s heart that Emma had those thoughts that she was not good enough. Jimin really was selfish…he thought it was him who was bombarded with those insecurities. But she struggled with her own…she was perfect, Jimin thinks. Even if she wasn’t. She was the most amazing and talented person and he doesn’t know how it all started—love, infatuation, envy. But he did love her.

“I see.” You tell him, your tone is still as careful as when you started. Then you notice how Jimin holds his breath, how his hands tremble in yours and how he keeps opening and closing his mouth, like he is trying so desperately to speak but cannot. “Jimin?” You lean more into his space, trying to get a better look at his pained expression.

“I—I told her—I told her we….we…we shouldn’t go….” He chokes on each word, his breathing picking up and his tears falling quicker now. “She—She insisted.”

You pinch your brows closer together, “Yeah?”

“She thought…” He takes a second to breathe, sniffling before continuing. “She thought—she thought we needed this trip…to…to fix things. That this trip would save us.” He slams his eyes shut again, his warm tears cascading down his cheeks. “Nothing was saved though.”

“Jimin—”

“The roads were so bad, y/n.” Jimin cries, his chin tucked into his chest. “I told her—I said—I said, we s-should stop.”

Jimin can’t control himself now, his sobs are big and deep and racking his whole body. He falls into your chest and you don’t waste even a second to hold him. You are stunned silent, though. Wondering where the hell this conversation is going.

“But she—she didn’t want to.” His words are muffled now. You can feel your shirt becoming wetter. “But it was getting hard to—to see.” He cries into your chest, your fingers in his hair now. “I couldn’t see anymore, y/n. I couldn’t fucking see.”

You can’t manage any words. You wouldn’t even know what to say if you could speak. This is not…not what you were expecting.

“I was…I was trying so hard to slow down…but the breaks…the ice…the breaks felt—felt useless. The ice…the car wouldn’t—s-stop.” His arms finally wrap around your waist now, he cries harder as he holds on to you so tightly. “I didn’t mean for this.” He sobs, “I didn’t want this.” Each word is said with a pause, “I fucking—I fucking hate myself.”

You are trying so hard to keep your own tears at bay, but at his admission you feel how impossible that’s becoming. You are shaking, you are silently letting tears slide down your face and you are feeling the most heartbreak you have ever felt. You are at a loss for words.

“It’s—It’s my fault…” Jimin continues to breakdown, “She’s gone, y/n. She’s not here any—anymore.”

Jimin will never forget this particular memory because it is the one that haunts him the most. The day he woke up in the hospital. Doctors say he is lucky he survived. But he never felt lucky. Why was he the one who lived? Why did it have to be him? Emma did not meet that same fate…she later died in the ICU. The surgery not saving her in time. Jimin remembers trying to recall how it all happened…the car slid off their side of the road and was hit by another vehicle coming in the other direction. His guilt only deepened when he later found out in the crash between the two cars—he was the only survivor. Parents and their little girl not seeing another day.

“I fucking—fucking hate myself, y/n. I fucking hate myself.” Jimin’s cries are intense and his poor, weak body trembles in your hold. You don’t know how it’s possible but you pull him closer to you and finally you find your voice.

“No, Jimin.” You whisper softly, as tenderly as you can. “Nothing is your fault, I promise you, nothing is your fault.”

Jimin remembers when he was going in and out of consciousness in the car after the accident he was trying to shake Emma’s body awake. He remembers being so weak, like he couldn’t feel his own body. Things were fading so much, but he remembers when he pulled his hands off her, they were covered in blood. Were they always covered in blood? His blood? Her blood? He doesn’t know. And he almost prefers not to.

“y/n…” Jimin wails now, his cries are loud and heart wrenching. You pull away from him and get him to lift off of you. His face is inches from yours, swollen and puffy. His eyes barely opened as tears fall uncontrollably. You hold his face in your hands, your thumbs wiping away at tears and you gaze into his eyes with as much sincerity as you can muster.

“It isn’t your fault.” You assure him, your eyes never leaving his. “It was an accident. It’s all an accident.” Your thumbs keep brushing over his cheeks, his tears spilling and his lips pulled down, creating such a devastating expression. “And call me selfish,” You openly cry in front of him, “But I am so, so fucking happy you survived.” You close your eyes and lean your forehead against his. Jimin’s eyes widen and then he only cries harder. Maybe he needed to hear that, maybe he needed comfort like this—comfort from you specifically.

“I am so happy you’re here, Jimin.” You whisper, tears still spilling. “I am so happy. I’m so happy.” You keep repeating, your own voice shaky now. “You’re here, Jimin.”

Jimin falls into the crook of your neck, his crying continuing. He needed this. He never got this opportunity with anyone. He was so wrapped up into his guilt…confiding into anyone felt wrong, so, so wrong. How could he? How could he expect anyone to understand him?

It’s been quiet for some time now…if you had to guess, you’d think more than an hour has already passed by. Jimin hasn’t left you, his head on your shoulder as you two lean back on the sofa. Your fingers intertwined with his in your lap. He sniffles every now and then but no actual words have been exchanged for a while. He’s calmed down though and at this point that’s all that really matters.

“They fired me.” Jimin blurts out of nowhere. “Well, ‘let go’ but everyone knows they just fucking fired me.”

“What?” You look towards his head on your shoulder. “The show you were working on?”

“Yeah. The director let me go.” He quietly huffs, “I get why though. I didn’t make their lives any easier.”

“They fired you…but they knew what you were going through?”

“Yeah, they did.” He answers simply.

“What the hell…” You comment in disbelief, “They fired you even though—”

“I said I didn’t make it easy for them.” Jimin chuckles, “I was being horrible. I don’t even remember half the times because I showed up wasted to rehearsals.”

“I heard…I heard you tried fighting with someone? Cussed the Director out?”

Jimin lifts his head from your shoulder and gazes at you, clearly confused. “How did you hear that?” He asks before it clicks. “Ah, Lucy. Rumors spread fast.” He drops his head to your shoulder again. “One of the guys made a comment towards me…said it should have been me instead of her. That the community lost one of the greatest…well, I punched him.”

“He fucking deserved it then.” You tell him. “I would punch him too, if I could.”

Jimin chuckles again, “Yeah, you would.”

“What about the Director?”

“He didn’t mean to cross me…” Jimin sighs, “But he tried telling me maybe it was time I took a break for real…or maybe it’s time I begin to get over things…because it had been a few months. Because you know, it only takes a few months to get over something so fucking traumatizing.”

“I’m sorry, Jimin.” You hold his hand tighter, “I hate this, I do. I wish I could take your pain away.” Your eyes begin to water again, but you blink it away quickly.

“You are.” He tells you softly. “It sounds crazy but just telling you and being with you now feels healing.”

“So you left New York and came here.” You mention, trying to understand the timeline.

“Yeah. My parents had been begging me to come back for a while. But staying with them…I needed my own space.”

“I get that.”

“Then I decided to try out the old theatre again. Mr. Smith was surprised to see me and I could tell he was happy. But to be honest…I think I was happier than he was. Just to see a familiar face.” Jimin laughs now, “And then I met Lucy.”

“Right, Lucy.” You chew on your lip, “Can I ask…what your plan with that is?”

“Yeah.” You feel Jimin nod. “Lucy is great. She’s nice and she’s pretty goofy. She got me to laugh…which was something that felt impossible at the time.” Understandably so, you think. “I just wanted a distraction…I just wanted to think about something else for a change. I didn’t mean for things to turn out the way they have…I am not using her like that, I swear. I do genuinely enjoy being around her.”

“Yeah but Lucy…”

“I know. But I can only see her as a friend. And she knows that. I have told her. But still, she pushes for something more and I could not figure out why. Until recently.”

“What do you mean?”

“She likes your friend Hoseok, right?”

“Oh.”

“Maybe it’s her using me?” Jimin laughs again, “I don’t mind, though. I wish things never…escalated between us…” He clears his throat, “Physically, I mean…” He adds awkwardly. “But we haven’t done anything like that for a little while now. I didn’t feel right. But uh, what about you and Namjoon?” he asks carefully, “What’s going on with that?”

“I…” What the hell do you say to this? “I don’t know.” You admit but then shake your head, “I mean, I do know. I guess. He’s a great guy. I like him. We get along really well and he’s really great. Seriously.”

“But?”

“But what?”

“I don’t know…sounded like there was going to be a ‘but’ in there.”

“But…but I don’t know if we are there yet.” You decide to admit, “I want to take things really slowly, I guess? He’s amazing but I don’t know, things… things are never what we expect, you know?”

“I do know, yeah. But he’s not your boyfriend?”

“Not my boyfriend.” You confirm.

“Do you want him to be?” Jimin waits for your answer but it takes a while to come. “You’re hesitating. That’s never a good sign.”

“Shut up.” You chuckle, “I’m not! I just…”

“You’re hesitating again. Why?”

“It’s just been a while since I’ve committed to anyone…the thought is a little scary.”

“But he’s amazing.” Jimin repeats your compliment from earlier, “But you know, sometimes no matter how amazing a person is…it doesn’t mean you are meant to be with them.” His soft tone greets you again and you hate how it makes your insides feel. “If something feels like it’s missing…”

You know where he is going with this and it’s solid advice, it really is but Namjoon is a rare gem among men—scratch that, among people and you aren’t going to risk that.

“He’s not my boyfriend and I don’t know if he ever will be but I am enjoying my time with him.” You decide to say, remembering words Namjoon has said. Then you change the subject back.

“I think you need to talk to Lucy. Like, really talk. I don’t fully know what’s going on in her mind but I think—” You cut yourself off as you remember tonight’s events. Lucy kissed Hoseok. Oh shit. Why is everything a fucking mess…

“I will.” Jimin agrees. “But I don’t regret anything that has happened. I’m really glad for meeting Lucy for multiple reasons.” You only hum in response. It’s silent for a few moments before Jimin speaks up again.

“Do you know how fast my heart started racing when I saw you in that café?” Jimin asks you, his tone is softer than before. “Do you know how hard my heart was fucking pounding when we spoke to each other?”

“Well, I can imagine. It was really shocking.” You explain, tone just as soft.

“Not just shocking.” Jimin whispers, “Exciting.”

“I…” You pause, staring down at your joined hands before sighing out. “I guess I can understand how you felt.” You admit.

“And do you know how at peace I felt when we spoke on the phone for the first time? How comforted I felt just seeing your face the night I came here drunk?” Jimin’s question hangs quietly in the air, you don’t respond and he doesn’t expect you to. More moments of silence pass before he speaks up again, “Isn’t it crazy that after all this time…you are still the person who does that to me? Excitement…peace…it’s crazy, right?” Once again, his question hangs so delicately above you both, silence is met again as neither of you expect the other to speak for the rest of the night. And you don’t. You both fall asleep on your couch but this time when you wake up the next morning, he is still there.

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s Sunday morning and you are exhausted…you didn’t necessarily go to bed super late but you just actually do not feel prepared to face the day today. Jeremy texted late last night to your group chat…the usual crew plus Namjoon this time. He asked if you are all still meeting for brunch…you realize he has no idea of the mess that unfolded on Friday but much to your surprise Lucy was the first to respond with a ‘yes’ and cute little smiley face. Immediately, you text Hoseok asking him if he and Lucy have spoken but he tells you no.

Everyone agrees on brunch though—much to your annoyance since you did not want to wake up for this—but now here you all are. Sitting around the table, a noticeable awkward tension in the air. Probably the most awkward thing though? The fact that sitting next to Lucy is Jimin. Did she tell Jimin? About kissing Hoseok? Your guess? Probably not.

“I’m not even joking…my sister’s husband snores so fucking loudly that I kept waking up in a panic.” Jeremy takes a bite of his waffle, syrup dripping from his fork. “I was tempted to call one of you guys and have you house me for the night.”

“You could have come to my place.” Naomi shrugs but then she smirks, “I would have made you sleep in the dog kennel though.”

“Somehow that sounds kinky.” Jeremy shudders, “Anyway, remind me to never go to your place again.”

“Fine by me.”

“So, how was everyone’s weekend?” Namjoon asks, polite smile on his face. “Anything fun or interesting happen?”

God, read the room, Namjoon! You internally groan.

“Nothing happened!” Lucy chirps, “Absolutely nothing.”

“Oh?” Hoseok lifts a brow at her, “Nothing happened? Like, nothing at all?”

Great, you know Hoseok and you know he is not one to let things go.

“Nothing worth mentioning…” Lucy begins to look antsy, awkward grin on her face as she looks around the table. “Jeez, why do I feel like you’re putting me on the spot?”

“I had a nice weekend.” Jimin speaks up, his eyes going to you and you mentally face palm. Guess he can’t read the room either.

“Nothing worth mentioning?” Hoseok’s eyes peer over at Lucy, “Ha, right.” His eyes go between her and Jimin and then he scoffs. Loudly. “You and your boyfriend didn’t hang out?”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” She goes rigid at this. “You know that…we all know that…”

“Do we?” Hoseok asks, his eyes gleaming. “Wow!” He starts clapping his hands, “Well, thank goodness for that, right?” His grin is almost ominous.

“Hobi…” You glance over at him, “Dude.”

“What?” He shrugs, digging back into his food in front of him.

“Wait, you guys aren’t dating?” Jeremy asks, his mouth full of his breakfast food. “Thought you were. Wow,” He nods his head slowly before swallowing, “Next you guys are going to tell me you two aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend.” He gestures between you and Namjoon and you quite literally choke on your mimosa.

“We…” You turn your head awkwardly towards Namjoon who just smiles at you, his hand finding your knee.

“But you aren’t though, right?” Jimin asks as nonchalant as possible.

“They basically are!” Lucy butts in, “Right, Namjoon?” She sends him a wink and you feel your cheeks grow warm.

“Yeah, Namjoon.” Naomi joins in on the teasing, “You should just ask her like, right now.” She tries to contain her giggles when all of your friends start laughing too.

“I’m not doing something that important in a moment like this…” Namjoon shakes his head with a smile. “But we’re…you know, in a good place.”

“What place is that?” Jimin speaks up again, “Like—”

“A good enough place to ask y/n to be your girlfriend, right?” Hoseok cuts in, he looks at you with a knowing smirk and sends you a ‘discreet’ thumbs up like he is really helping you out.

“Oh my god, let’s talk about something else. Literally anything else.” You groan, “Please, anyone.” You glance around the table, “Topic change?”

“Okay!” Naomi saves you, “Okay, so.” Her tone becomes more serious yet her face is lit up in amusement. “You guys know how Jonathan broke up with me? Yada Yada.”

“Yeah…” Jeremy answers carefully, “And?”

“And it’s not like we are praying for his downfall or any—”

“—I am.” Jeremy says quickly.

“—thing but a coworker of his that I had kind of became friends with told me that they all went out last night…and Jonathan got turned down. Twice. Like I said, not praying on his downfall but I have to say, I felt very pleased hearing that.” She smiles deviously towards you all and you snicker.

“Good, that’s what he gets.” Jeremy stuffs his mouth with food again, “He’s a loser.”

“Oh, he is going to miss you for sure.” Lucy nods her head in satisfaction, “Does he still follow you on social media?”

“Hm, yeah. I think so.”

“You should like post that you have a new boyfriend or something.” Lucy takes a sip of her drink, “That would probably make him want you more.”

Naomi can’t help but laugh, “I’m not like, going to lie!”

“It’s not really a lie…” Lucy trails off, “It’s just—”

“It is a lie.” Hoseok cuts her off, “It’s a total lie!”

“It’s harmless.” Lucy defends in a pout, “What Jonathan doesn’t know won’t kill him.”

“Oh, so just not saying anything is okay, now?” Hoseok narrows his eyes at Lucy. “It’s a lie. Lying is fucked up, dude.”

“I’m just—”

“Lucy, can I talk to you?” Hoseok asks suddenly, “Just for a minute. Outside.”

“I…yeah, okay.” Her eyes dart around, her smile as awkward as she is being.

“y/n…” Hoseok whispers towards you, “You too.”

“Me?” You mouth. “Why?”

“I need support.” He whispers towards you again and you roll your eyes.

“Uh, I’ll be back too.” You announce as awkward as this entire situation. Namjoon looks a bit concerned but you just smile for him and before you can stand up, Namjoon is leaning towards you and planting a soft kiss to your lips.

“See you in a bit.” He whispers. Your cheeks are warm all over again. You nod slowly while your eyes travel from his face to across from you—Jimin is already gazing at you and when you two make eye contact his eyes fall to his food. No known emotion on his face.

“Right.” You tell Namjoon before standing and walking towards Hobi and Lucy. You three make it outside when Hoseok is the first to speak.

“Lucy.” He turns towards her immediately, her entire body shrinking under his gaze.

“Hm?”

“Did you tell Jimin what happened?” He gets straight to the point. Something that is amazing and equally terrifying about Hoseok. “Kind of seems like you haven’t.”

“Why do I have to?” She asks quickly, her defenses rising. “I thought about it all weekend. He isn’t my boyfriend.”

“But you guys are kind of talking, right? You guys sleep together? You guys are obviously more than friends?”

“We aren’t.”

“Oh, so you two have actually established that whatever was going on between you guys is over?”

“Well, no…”

“Then you should tell him, obviously, right?” Hoseok looks at her, his expression confused. “Isn’t that the right thing to do?”

“He doesn’t need to know…” Lucy decides to say, her confidence getting smaller and smaller.

“So you are going to what? Lie to him?” Hoseok just does not understand…”You’re going to lie?”

“It’s not a lie…I’m just not saying anything.”

“Seriously? That’s the same as a lie???” Hoseok says in disbelief, “y/n, can you believe this?” He turns to you now, “Can you knock some sense into her?”

“Well…” You gulp, “There are some…situations where maybe the truth…uh, doesn’t need to come out?”

“What?” Hoseok blinks at you, “What are you talking about?”

“No, I just mean…Jimin knowing…it’s probably fine if he doesn’t. Jeez, not everything needs to be out on the table.” You chuckle awkwardly, not really knowing what to say.

“So you think it’s okay that Lucy lies to him? Are you even hearing yourself?”

“I’m not lying…” Lucy speaks up, but her voice is quiet.

“You are.” Hoseok turns to her now, “Tell him the truth so you two can end things properly.”

“Hobi…” You say his name but he ignores you, he continues to look at Lucy and you can see how frustrated he is growing. He’s upset…really upset. That much is obvious but you’re trying to figure where all of this is coming from. You get it, lying is bad. But why does he want Jimin to know so badly? “Hobi.” You try again and he finally looks at you.

“What?” He snaps and you soften. He’s probably confused out of his mind right now. He never called you at all on Saturday…he’s probably still working through the events of Friday night.

“Lucy,” You look over at her, “Can you leave us? Sorry…” You apologize but she nods her head quickly. She looks between you and Hoseok before walking back inside to go back to the table.

“What’s going on?” You ask when you two are alone.

“What’s going on?” Hoseok repeats your question, his hands on his hips. “Seriously?” He asks incredulously. “Lucy fucking kissed me on Friday. She says she has a thing with another guy. But now she’s saying they aren’t a thing? You know how confusing that is? Is she just lying to make herself feel better? So, she doesn’t feel like a bad guy?” He rubs his face with a hand, “I need her to tell him…so they can end things properly.” Hoseok looks at you, his features relaxing. “I just…I can’t explore whatever is going on with her if she has someone else in the picture. I need to know they are done.” He admits now, his chest heaving still from his earlier irritation.

“Ah.” You nod, “I get it.”

“But she’s willing to lie? I don’t like that.” He says quieter now, “One thing that I love about all of us is how honest we all are. One lie…then another and another. That’s how those things work.”

You slowly close your eyes, feeling guilt begin to build. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You open your eyes and look at your best friend. You are lying to him. Even if he isn’t directly the person you are keeping something huge from…he is still in the unknown about something major. If he knew you have been lying to him all this time…how would he react? How would he feel?

“Everything you told me.” You say, clearing your throat. “You need to tell her. So she can understand. God, communicating is none of your guys strong suit.” You laugh…but that’s fucking rich coming from you.

“I know.” He sighs out, “But it’s hard because what if she thinks kissing me was a mistake? What if she doesn’t…feel the way I want her to?”

“Wow, I have been trying to get you to admit whatever the hell it is you are saying for so long…”

“And what is it I am saying?” He smirks at you and you lean forward to swat his chest. “Kidding, kidding.” He tells you. “But seriously. I can’t move forward with this until I know she tells Jimin and ends things with him for real. That’s fair, right?”

“I guess you’re right.” You smile, “But maybe instead of making snarky comments you can just tell her that yourself. In private.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Hoseok comes closer to you, swinging an arm around your shoulders as you two walk back inside, “Let’s finish eating.”

~

It’s Sunday night now. You are all snuggled up on your couch with a drama playing on your TV. It’s gotten a little late probably…last time you saw the time it was after 10. You gasp at the TV when two characters get together that you were not expecting, you’re probably way too invested in this show but you would rather pay attention to some fictional drama than your real life drama. You feel your phone buzz and you struggle to find the device, it’s clearly gotten lost in the blanket. You shake the blanket around until finally your phone falls to the ground. You pick it up, laying back down and looking to see who texted you.

Jimin 10:58pm

Lucy and Hoseok kissed the other night

y/n 11:00pm

I know

Jimin 11:00pm

Oh

y/n 11:01pm

sorry I didn’t tell you when I knew… wasn’t my place

Jimin 11:01pm

I get it. Im not upset

y/n 11:01pm

so what happened? Between you and lucy I mean

Jimin 11:02pm

She felt bad

Jimin 11:02pm

Cried…said she knew it was wrong to keep it from me

Jimin 11:02pm

Said I had been nothing but honest with her and she was keeping something important from me

Jimin 11:02pm

Im sure you can imagine how I felt like shit when she said that lol

y/n 11:03pm

im sorry jimin…

y/n 11:03pm

maybe since you two aren’t…like that anymore…we don’t have to keep our secret?

Jimin 11:03pm

Is it that easy?

Jimin 11:04pm

The lie is already there. I don’t think any time would be a good time tbh. But if you want to tell them you can

y/n 11:05pm

what all did lucy say

Jimin 11:07pm

She asked if we could be just friends. I said yes obviously. She asked if it would be awkward if I still hung out with all of you guys

y/n 11:07pm

you should def still hang out

Jimin 11:07pm

Because you want me to?

y/n 11:08pm

we’d all want you to lol

Jimin 11:08pm

But im asking about you

y/n 11:11pm

yeah I want you to

Jimin 11:11pm

I want to as well

Jimin 11:11pm

But especially if you are there

Jimin 11:12pm

It wouldn’t be weird if you and I became friends like publicly right

y/n 11:12pm

idk

y/n 11:12pm

maybe

Jimin 11:13pm

I told lucy we were friends

y/n 11:13pm

you what now

y/n 11:13pm

jimin…

Jimin 11:14pm

Relax. I said when you texted me the address we kinda just kept texting and were friends now

y/n 11:15pm

and? Did she think it was weird???

Jimin 11:15pm

I don’t think so? Seemed happy

y/n 11:20pm

are we bad people jimin?

Jimin 11:20pm

Maybe I am but you aren’t

y/n 11:22pm

im the one who created this giant lie

y/n 11:22pm

my friends are going to fuckin hate me and I just have to accept that

Jimin 11:23pm

They might be mad y/n but they love you

Jimin 11:23pm

Seriously if this is bothering you so much we can tell them. Ill tell them with you

Jimin 11:23pm

We don’t have any reason to keep this from them anymore right?

y/n 11:24pm

im freaking out

y/n 11:24pm

hello consequences to my own actions

Jimin 11:25pm

Lol its going to be fine

y/n 11:30pm

we don’t know that

Jimin 11:30pm

It will be y/n

Jimin 11:30pm

Next time were all together we can tell them ok?

y/n 11:31pm

as much as I want you there for support it might be best if I tell them myself,,,maybe tell lucy before the others? I should probably tell hobi too…shit idk

Jimin 11:32pm

Ill support whatever you wanna do

Jimin 11:32pm

Are you sleepy?

y/n 11:37pm

sleepy?

y/n 11:37pm

no but I should be

Jimin 11:37pm

I know its late but want to hang out lol

y/n 11:37pm

like iN PERSON?!

Jimin 11:38pm

Lmao yeah

Jimin 11:38pm

Im not tired but I am watching my show and its crazy

y/n 11:39pm

what show? Im watching my show too and shits wild

Jimin 11:39pm

Im watching (*show you are also watching*)

y/n 11:39pm

wait for real?? Lol no way. What ep?! Im watching that too!!!

Jimin 11:40pm

Hahaha seriously? Im on 6

y/n 11:40pm

im on 7!!!! Come over!!!! Can you believe we only have 2 more eps until were caught up and have to start waiting weekly

Jimin 11:41pm

You want me to come now for real?

y/n 11:41pm

well yeah so we can watch the show

Jimin 11:41pm

Lol okay, I will leave in a few minutes then:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s like 9am and you are waiting patiently at Hoseok’s desk, expecting him any minute now. You need to know if he and Lucy talked…and you know, what about. You stand here, leaning against the desk when he finally walks through and is coming towards you. He’s got coffee in his hands and eyes narrowing at you almost comically.

“What?” He questions before setting the coffee down and pulling out his chair. “It’s too early for whatever you got going on.” He complains and you laugh.

“Lucy?” You raise a brow at him and he chuckles, shaking his head at you.

“Yeah, we talked last night.” He says but then tilts his head up at you. “How did you know? Did she say something? Did she talk about me? What did she say?”

“Oh, no.” You wave him off quickly. “She didn’t tell me, Jimin did.” You say before really thinking before you spoke.

“Jimin?” Hoseok scrunches his brows together, “Jimin told you? Jimin …tells you things?”

“Well,” You gulp. “Yeah, we’re friends?”

“Since fucking when?” Hoseok laughs, “That’s random as hell but okay.”

“It’s not really random? He hangs out with us?”

“He hangs out with Lucy. The rest of us are just kind of there.” Hoseok corrects you, “But maybe they won’t really hang out one and one anymore though.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” He nods, “She said they ended things properly.”

“And then…?”

“And then I…I…”

“You told her how you felt and then bam, you guys are like, together now?”

“No.” Hoseok grabs his coffee and brings it to his lips. “I don’t think it’s the right time for that.” He says before taking a sip now.

“The right…are you kidding? Hoseok just—”

“My love life, not yours.” He raises his nose in the air, “Listen, it’s fine, okay? No need to worry.”

“Fine…”

“Plus, the love life I’m concerned about is yours.” Hoseok gives you a pointed look, “What’s going on with Namjoon? Is it just me or do you seem less interested lately?”

“That’s—that’s not true.” You gaze at him, confused. “Why would you say that? Things are going well with him?”

“I don’t know.” Hoseok shrugs. “Your mind seems occupied, I guess.”

“It’s not.” Your voice is sterner than you are intending. “Things are fine...seriously.”

“You kind of sound like Naomi now. No offense. Things were so fine with Jonathan too but look where that went.”

“Hey! I can hear you guys!” Naomi shouts and you and Hoseok stifle your laughter.

“Sorry!” He shouts back and you both cackle. “But really, is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine, I promise. Namjoon is amazing.” You smile now, “Seriously, I don’t even think I deserve him. He’s so kind, so mature, so cute, so sexy, fucking obviously.”

“I mean, yeah.” Hoseok laughs. “He’s a good one for sure. I hope he can make you happy though.”

“He could make anyone happy.”

“Yeah but you are a special breed, for sure.” Hoseok raises his brows at you, “He can be the most amazing human being to roam this Earth but if you aren’t feeling like, uh, I don’t know, I don’t know how to say it but even when a guy is decent you are so hard to satisfy.”

“But didn’t we establish it was because none of the guys in the past were Namjoon?”

“True.” Hoseok nods slowly, “Look, all I’m saying is I would hate it if you force yourself in the end just because this is something you fantasized. Even though you are picky as fuck…I’m glad you are because it means when you do choose someone I know they will be the best possible partner for you. Does any of that make sense?” He chuckles now, scratching the back of his neck looking a little unsure.

“It makes sense, Hobi.” You say softly, your eyes falling to the ground, “Namjoon is perfect.”

“But is he perfect for you?”

“Hey, question.” You aim for a topic change, “You aren’t going to be like weird if Jimin still hangs out with us, right?”

“Huh? I mean…”

“He’s still our friend.” You try pointing out but Hoseok only quirks a brow.

“Kind of, I guess? I mean, unless you and him have been hanging out outside of the usual times, I don’t see how any of us are close enough to him that he would want to keep hanging out?” He shrugs. “I guess he and Lucy are still cool.”

“I…” You’re hesitant, of course you are hesitant. “I’m friends with him.”

“Yeah…” Hoseok narrows his eyes, “So you have told me.”

“I like when he hangs out.”

“O…kay…?”

“He’s cool, right?” You feel yourself grow warm, your hands feeling a little clammy.

“Yeah.”

“He can be pretty funny too.”

“Okay.” Hoseok tilts his head before he breaks out into a grin, “Don’t tell me you have like a thing for him?”

“What?” You hate that your voice sounded like a chipmunk squeaking. “What the hell dude?”

“That would be fucking hilarious. Although, I got to admit you guys would make a cute couple.” He’s laughing now. Laughing at you. “But wow, imagine? Lucy did always say out of everyone you and Jimin would get along the best…who knew she was setting you two up this entire ti—”

“—It’s not like that! Oh my god.”

“I mean, I won’t lie to you. It would be great for me so then I wouldn’t have to have any worries since they’ve seen each other naked and shit but how fucked up would that be?!” He keeps laughing, “For Namjoon, I mean.”

“I’m over this conversation!” You throw your hands up, “You’re impossible!”

“It’s okay, you have the hots for Jimin, it’s okay. I won’t tell anyone.” He manages to crack himself up further and only starts laughing harder when Jeremy chimes in.

“Well, I know now too. Since I can hear everything you guys say.”

“Same.” You hear Naomi shout, “But I’m for it, y/n! Jimin is hot! But like, Namjoon is also hot…”

“I’m team Namjoon.” Jeremy mutters, eyes staying on his screen. “He’s like super put together.”

“I want to say I’m team Namjoon as well,” Naomi stands from her desk and walks closer to you all, “But since Jeremy is on that team I obviously have to do the opposite. I’m team Jimin.”

“I’m team anyone at this point.” Hoseok chuckles, “Just want to see my girl in love and happy.”

“I’m team ‘I wish you would all shut the hell up’. Anyone else on that team?” You groan, leaving Hoseok’s desk to head towards your own, “It’s not like that with Jimin, seriously.”

“Apparently they’re friends.” Hoseok says, “But they’ve barely interacted. I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“You don’t think we are friends yet you are saying I have a thing for him?” You deadpan, “You realize how ridiculous you sound?”

“Thinking someone is hot—”

“I never said I thought he was hot?”

“So, you don’t think he’s hot?”

“I—”

“She would be fucking lying if she said she didn’t,” Jeremy speaks up, “I have eyes. Dude is sexy. Still team Namjoon though.”

“Now I’m curious too…” Naomi walks to your desk, “What do you think of Jimin? I’ll go first, my first impression is that he was kind of quiet, right? But pretty fucking gorgeous.”

“My first? You guys just want me to say he’s hot.” You say with a straight face, “I’m not admitting that.”

“Who’s hotter? Jimin or Namjoon…?” Naomi ponders out loud, smirking as she looks at you.

“I’m going to go with Namjoon,” Jeremy continues to stare at his screen. “My guy is a man.”

“Hmm. But wait,” Naomi starts laughing. “You can’t go after Jimin though. Lucy has already slept with him. It would be weird to share with friends type deal, right?”

“Why are you acting like y/n didn’t fuck a pair of besties? Sharing is like her forte.” Jeremy starts snickering, “Kidding, kidding.” He says quickly before you can throw something at him.

“Anyway,” Hoseok grins towards you, his usual playful glint in his eyes, “We are obviously just joking.”

“We love teasing you, y/n.” Naomi winks at you. “You make it too easy!”

“Yes, yes. We are all joking. It would be fucking wild if something was going on between you and Jimin though.” Jeremy leans back in his chair, “But it’s a joke. So chillax.”

~

Uh, is…is it a joke? That’s what Hoseok, Naomi and Jeremy are thinking currently as they watch you and Jimin talking closely with the other, speaking animatedly about some show you are both watching. All three of them tilt their heads to the side as you and Jimin keep talking, you both laughing and getting excited at the mention of some plot twist.

“We were joking, right?” Naomi whispers towards Hoseok, “Since when were they like…this?”

“I’m back!” Lucy chirps happily, taking a seat across from Hoseok, next to Jimin. “I hate the soap in public restrooms, they always dry my hands out.” She complains with a pout. “What we are we talking about?”

“Uh,” Hoseok clears his throat, “We’re just chillin but these two…” He gestures towards you and Jimin, who are still in your own world, discussing the possibility of a supposed dead character to return.

“Oh?” Lucy glances at you both, “Are you guys still talking about that drama?”

“Hm?” You look over at Lucy, “Oh yeah. You guys seriously need to watch it. It’s so good.”

“Yeah, it’s amazing. I usually wouldn’t be into these types. More y/n’s style but I got to admit it’s so good.” Jimin agrees quickly, reaching for his water before taking a sip. “Then again I am convinced you’re just watching it for the main guy.” He teases.

“Ah, yes. He is my type. Hot.” You giggle and Jimin rolls his eyes.

“Oh, Jimin.” You pick up your menu again, “Are you getting fries again? I’ll share my soup.”

“Yeah, I already figured you were going to want fries.” He chuckles.

Hoseok leans into Naomi’s space. “She usually bugs me to get fries…” he blinks at you both, “I don’t know if I’m happy or…just confused.”

“Yeah, this is weird. Definitely weird.” Naomi whispers.

“Oh!” you peak over your menu to look at Naomi, “What were you saying earlier? About needing a place to stay?”

“Oh, right.” Naomi straightens her posture. “Big favor. My parents and my brother and his wife and two kids are all coming to my place on Friday. But that leaves no space for…me.” She points at herself, “Me or Bacon.” She decides to clarify with a sweet smile. “Think me and the demon dog can crash at yours that day?”

“Yeah, sounds like a party.” You nod, “We should make it a girls night thing. You in, Lucy?”

“Oh, fun! Girls night!” Lucy sings, “Can we make it a pajama party?”

“Does lingerie count as pajamas? If yes, can I go too?” Jeremy shows a lopsided grin, “Will there be pillow fights?”

“You’re gross.” Naomi rolls her eyes.

“It could be a slumber party with all of us? We can invite Namjoon and Yoongi too.” You decide to say, “Could be fun. Pajamas—appropriate ones, movies, snacks, alcohol. What do you guys say?”

“Hmm. Are we going to tell scary stories? Should we bring sleeping bags and all sleep on the living room floor?” Hoseok smiles, “Play truth or dare?” he winks.

“Can I dare Jeremy to go home?” Naomi raises her hand and you all laugh.

“You guys down or what?” You finally set your menu down. “Slumber party: Middle School Edition.”

“Middle school edition?!” Hoseok chuckles, “Oh there is going to be some tongue kissing for sure!”

“You guys kissed with tongue in middle school?” You blurt, eyes wide. “Kids are scary.”

“I’m in.” Jeremy nods, an excited grin on his face. Everyone starts collectively agreeing, coming up with ideas on how to make the slumber party as middle school as it gets.

You listen to all of your friends talking loudly over the other, their genuine excitement obvious as they each try to outdo the other with ideas for the slumber party on Friday. You glance around the table, Naomi and Jeremy arguing over which horror movie will get shown first, Hoseok yelling over them that stories are enough, a movie is much too scary. Lucy starts teasing Hoseok for being a scaredy cat, giggling to herself. You and Jimin share a look, his eyes are soft on you and you can’t help but smile at him.

A slumber party with your friends, you can only imagine it will be a very fun night for you all. Jimin continues to gaze at you, a sly smile forming on his lips and you can’t help but lightly scoff. Everyone’s laughter goes around the table, including yours. Yes, it will be a fun night for you all. What you don’t expect is that it will be the night that everything goes to absolute fucking shit. Yes, hello to the consequences of your own actions.

[starshapedkookie]

Falling

↳soulmate (noun): a person who is bound to another through the strongest  level of emotional and physical connection. one is given a name on the body upon 18 years of age and any transgressions against the laws of soul-bonding will not occur without harm. 

REPOSTED/REWRITTEN FROM OLD BLOG

pairing: jungkook x female reader 

word count: 31.4k (sorry guys, another monster lol)

genre: soulmate/destiny au, college au, photographer jungkook, angst, fluff, smut

warnings: smut (protected sex, vanilla, light choking), swearing, angst!!!, fluff (jungkook is head over heels), drinking, mentions of anti-depressants and therapy

recommended songs: falling by harry styles, love again by dua lipa, hold on by chord overstreet, dusk till dawn by zayn & sia, when we were young by lost kings

FALL

The last thing you needed this morning was for your coffee to get knocked out of your hand and crash onto the pavement—but of course, that is exactly what happened.

“Ugh,” you groan loudly, bending down to pick up the plastic cup. You did not have time for this. It wasn’t even your first day of classes yet here you were, making a fool of yourself in front of everyone. You quickly dispose of the plastic in a recyclable can before hurrying off to find your class. You were already going to be late—but you knew you didn’t want to be that kid on the first day coming in hungover and 20 minutes late. So far though, that was going to be exactly you.

You rush into the building of your class before rushing up the stairs to the main auditorium. You glance down at your watch and you roll eyes. 7 minutes late—that’s doable right? You enter the large room and you curse to yourself when it’s quiet and the only words are coming from your professors mouth.

“Class I believe we’ve found our first day straggler,” the professor’s voice erupts in the room through his microphone and you freeze in your spot. Everyone’s eyes are on you and you actually want to crawl into a hole and bury yourself alive. Laughter fills the room and the professor goes back to the syllabus as you find a seat towards the back of the classroom. You sit down by yourself and lean back in the seat. Not only was your head absolutely busting from last night, you also had never felt more embarrassment in your entire life. You pull out your laptop and pull up the uploaded syllabus and try to hide yourself within your t-shirt.

“As humans, we think attraction is spontaneous and comes from here,” your professor pauses and points to his chest where his heart would be, “When in fact, that’s not true. Our brains run complex calculations that decide whom we think is attractive. This is what this course is about. The psychology behind gender, sex, and even the ideals of soulmates are all very much correlated in this course,” your ears drown out his talking once the ’S’ word is mentioned—no, not sex, but soulmate.

Soulmates—self explanatory but usually not discussed out in the open like this. Some people believed in them, others didn’t. Growing up, you had always heard about soulmates and their stories—your parents managing to bring it up at least once a week. It’s said that one will receive a name by 18. At 13, you and your older sister decided that it was all bogus as you had many crushes on boys growing up. You could like someone but that didn’t mean you were soulmates though. Your sister quickly flipped her stance about soulmates when she was 17, you 15, and suddenly a mark showed up on the inside of her finger. Not just any mark—but a name. With the name engraved in her skin like a tattoo and only a few months after that, she had met her match.

You on the other hand remained nameless for the rest of high school. You waited and waited for a name to show up by the age of 18—but it never did. You felt alone and like a glitch. At 19, you decided you weren’t going to sit around and wait for a soulmate. Besides, you were young—since when did you have to find your life partner so soon?

Now at 21, nearing 22, you were still nameless. Did it bother you? You were indifferent. You felt lucky to be able to experience college without being tied down to something serious but now as graduation was coming faster than ever and it seemed like everyone around you was finding their other half—worry did sink into your skin sometimes.

“You,” someone snaps you from your reverie and you think the professor has called you again until you see a two guys sitting two rows back from you, one of them pointing at you.

You point at yourself wondering if he’s got the right girl. As you look around the class, everyone is shuffling around to what seems to be small groups. Had you zoned out that bad? You look back at the two guys and gather your belongings before heading their way.

“Uh, hi?” You say awkwardly as you shuffle towards them.

“Told you she’d come,” one guys nudges the other one with a smirk, “Wanna be in our group?”

“Group?” You look back to the front of the classroom and see a slide displayed “FINAL PROJECT” shining bright. “Yeah, sure whatever,” you sit down beside of the chatty male before he finally introduces himself.

“I’m Namjoon,” he smiles.

“Y/N,” you reply looking at the other guy who has stayed silent this whole interaction.

“This is Jungkook,” Namjoon says and Jungkook looks at you offering a weak smile.

“Hey,” he says simply. Jungkook has pretty eyes, round and doe-like, innocent yet inviting. You catch yourself noticing the ink lining his forearms and knuckles.

You take a seat beside of Namjoon and focus your attention back to the board. Your professor explains each group has a variety of topics to choose from and present to him later at the end of the semester. As much as you weren’t in the mood for much talking, you were thankful this Namjoon and Jungkook guy asked you to be in their group because you’re not sure you would have had the courage to ask anyone else.

Lecture ends with an online syllabus quiz due at the end of the week and you quickly gather your things to leave.

“Um,” you start before you get ready to leave, “here's my number. Just text whenever you want to get started,” you slip the piece of paper to Namjoon. Your eyes meet Jungkook’s again and something stirs deep within your stomach. Namjoon’s voice breaks your gaze.

“Alright, sounds good. Nice to me you.”

“You guys too.” And then you’re off to your next class, hoping you won’t cause as much attention in that one.

.

“Jesus Christ,” you exhale deeply, lying down on Taehyung’s bed. He eyes you from his desk.

“Rough first day?” He inquires, swirling back and forth in his chair.

“You have no idea Tae,” you groan rolling over to look at him. “I should have known this day would be shit the second I slept through my alarm.”

He gives you a small smile, “At least it’s over now. You got much homework?”

You shake your head, “No thank god.”

“Do you want to grab dinner with Jimin and I then?”

Your stomach growls loudly at the idea of food. You don’t even say anything and you don’t need to. Taehyung gives you a laugh before slipping on his ridiculously ugly fur-lined Gucci mules. You stand up from his bed, straightening out your giant t-shirt and running shorts. Yours and Taehyung’s fashion clashed tremendously, but that’s what made you guys—well you.

You and Taehyung meet Jimin at a Thai place downtown. It’s cheap and delicious and a bowl of pad-thai to sooth your brain after today sounded heavenly. Jimin is standing outside, wearing a put together yet sporty outfit. He smiles when he sees the two of you approaching.

“Hey guys!” Jimin smiles widely, leaning over to give you a tight squeeze. He pulls away and gives Taehyung an even bigger hug, the two of them pecking each other on the lips quickly. You watch the two soulmates in awe. As much as you wanted to believe the soulmate thing was bullshit—these two were living proof that it works. And deep down, it hurts.

The three of you order your food and lean back into your chair across from the two lovers as they converse about their day.

“What about you Y/N? Did you have a good first day?” Jimin asks. He’s got to the be the most considerate person you’ve ever met.

“Are you sure you want to hear her spiel?” Taehyung mutters sarcastically and you poke your tongue out at him.

“It was horrible Jimin,” you pout, “First, I slept through my alarm which I never do, was hungover as sit so I needed some coffee and then I got my iced coffee that was five dollars and then dropped it everywhere—“

“Wait, you were running late and still got coffee?” Jimin raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah?” You say in a duh-like tone. Jimin and Taehyung laugh at your before you continue.

“Then I walked into my first class and the fucking professor had the audacity to call me the first day straggler! How awful is that?!”

“I mean it’s true,” Taehyung grins and you flip him off.

“Not. The. Point,” you offer dramatically, “And then all of a sudden these two guys are calling me over to be in their group for a project and they’re both extremely cute although one talked way too much and one didn’t talk at all—“ “Which one was cuter?” Jimin asks curiously. Taehyung swats at his arm.

“The quiet one,” you admit, “At least to me. And then after that, I went to my last class and that went smoothly. However it started going downhill again when I went and grabbed lunch and I got a salad from East—“ “Oh no,” Jimin groans, “East dining hall? Y/N you know that place is whack.”

“I know that but I was hungry! And then I ate my salad and then while I was driving back to my apartment I literally almost shit myself.”

The three of you begin to laugh at how ridiculous your day actually was.

“I mean what kind of fucking luck is that?!”

“You’ve definitely had better days for sure…” Taehyung says eying you from across the table, “I mean look at that outfit and hair,” he tsks.

“Hey! Fuck you,” you pick up your straw wrapper and throw it at him across from you. He’s laughing just as your food arrives. It looks and even smells better, the three of you immediately digging in.

The three of you continue small chatter amongst yourselves, Jimin and Taehyunf being too cute and in love for their own good. You are in the middle of slurping your noodles when your nearly choke on your food when a new, but familiar face walks into the restaurant. The Jungkook guy from your class. And he’s not alone as a girl who is extremely pretty trails in behind of him.

“What are you looking at?” Taehyung asks and he turns over his shoulder to follow your line of sight. “Who is that cutie?” He then says. Jimin agrees.

“It’s the guy from my class,” you whisper, hoping he doesn’t spot you. “The quiet one,” you specify. Jimin smirks before nudging Taehyung.

“You’re right,” Taehyung says looking back at you. For some reason, despite not knowing anything about Jungkook but his name, you dislike the way the random girl is looking at him. It doesn’t settle well in your stomach.

“Guess he has a soulmate,” you say slightly disappointed staring into your food.

Jimin speaks up, “No he doesn’t.”

You and Taehyung furrow your eyebrows at him.

“Are you guys forgetting soulmates is literally what I’m doing my thesis on? I can spot them when I see them,” he says keeping his voice low, “That’s not his soulmate, trust me.”

“…Right,” you hesitate. You glance back towards Jungkook and his date to find that they have been seated elsewhere in the restaurant. You bite your lip, stirring your noodles around, the weird feeling you felt when you first spotted Jungkook still deep rooted in your stomach. You don’t mention Jungkook again the entire night, only sparing glances around the restaurant to get another look at him. You come up short.

.

Your first week back at school is nearly over as Friday approaches faster than ever. Thankfully, unlike your first day shambles, the rest of your week went fairly smooth. You’ve managed to get ahead in most of your classes already and you can’t wait for the afternoon nap you’re gifting yourself later today.

Ever since Monday, you have decided to sit beside Namjoon and Jungkook in your psychology lecture now. They were easy to talk to, albeit Jungkook still quite shy, but being with your final project group was convenient. Speaking of Jungkook—he was no where to be seen today.

“Where’s your friend?” You inquire as you sit beside Namjoon. Normally Jungkook is right beside of him as the two of them always get to class earlier than you.

Namjoon shrugs, “I don’t know, he didn’t answer any of my texts this morning.”

You brush it off as your jackass of a professor begins his lecture. Your first official lecture of the semester is on the basis of the human brain and it’s connection to relationships. You nearly roll your eyes out of your head, how fun. Ten or so minutes go back of you typing up notes trying to keep up with him until rummaging disrupts your thoughts.

You glance to your left and spot Jungkook coming in late, his hair underneath a baseball cap, keeping his eyes down as he makes his way over to you and Namjoon. You inwardly wish the professor would call him out on his tardiness but of course, that doesn’t happen. Maybe your professor is a jackass and a sexist?

“Look who is late today,” You whisper as he sits down beside you. His brown eyes give you a glance before nodding to Namjoon.

“Sorry,” he gives you a soft smile, “Today has not been my day,” he briefly explains.

You raise your eyebrows as him, but decide against questioning him.

“I get it,” you respond.

“Hey! You in back,” your professor is suddenly stopping his lecture and pointing his finger towards you. Oh for fucks sake. “If you’re going to talk in my class, don’t bothering coming as I post the lecture slides online afterwards.”

You feel embarrassment taking over your body as Namjoon to your right is snickering at you and Jungkook on your left is sending you an apologetic stare.

Definitely sexist.

.

The next couple weeks of classes went by in a flash. So far, they were all going well and you liked all your professors—minus Mr. Sexist Jackass for psychology—but other than that, you were having no trouble. You had been able to meet other people and get into study group chats which you knew would help in the next few weeks as your first midterm was quickly approaching.

If there was one thing you were slacking on though, it was your group project for said psychology class. Which is why you texted Namjoon and Jungkook to meet at a coffee place on campus to discuss getting started and what roles you all would take.

“Hey,” Jungkook is the first to arrive and you give him a sweet smile. Within the past two weeks, he had become more open to talking to you and you sensed a blossoming friendship between you and him.

“Hi, how are you?” You ask him as you move your stuff out of the way so he could sit down. He sits across from you, his eyes meeting yours.

“I’m alright,” he says with not much energy taking a gulp from whatever drink he was sipping on. It looked to be an iced americano. ���You?”

“Pretty good, although I’m already stressed about exams coming up,” you let your worries slip from you.

Jungkook shakes his head, “I haven’t thought about exams yet,” he says honestly.

You give him a hard stare before saying, “What even is your major? I know Namjoon is pre-med but I don’t think you’ve told me.”

He swallows the rest of his drink, “Sports medicine,” he responds with a straight smile.

“Hm,” you say, “So do you dress up as Sporty Spice for Halloween then?”

He lets out a laugh before nodding, “Yeah, every year.”

You laugh with him and you can’t help but notice how great his smile is. He really is attractive, you can’t deny that.

“Where the fuck is Namjoon?” You groan after your laughter dies out, looking down at your watch.

“Here!” You jump in your seat as Namjoon comes up behind you and you nearly fall out of your seat. Namjoon apologizes quickly about being late before scooting to sit beside you.

“Don’t worry about it,” you shake your head, “So, when do you guys want to start working on our project? I would hate for us to procrastinate and have to cram at the end of the semester.”

Namjoon nods, “I was thinking the same. We need to choose a topic first though… got any ideas?” He takes out a pen and notepad to scribble stuff down. You could tell Namjoon was just as studious as you were… Jungkook on the other hand was definitely more of a “go with the flow” type of student—not necessarily a bad thing though.

“Kook, any ideas?” Namjoon asks and Jungkook shrugs before throwing out there—

“Sex,” He says and you snicker at his suggestion. “What? That’s all the professor talks about, might as well give him something he’s interested in…” Jungkook retaliates.

You glance at Namjoon and he rolls his eyes.

“I get what you’re saying Kook but I think we should be more specific than that,” Namjoon deadpans and you nod agreeing with him. “Y/N?”

“Mmmm,” you hum, “Maybe we could do research on how sex differs between different people?”

Namjoon nods slowly, looking over at Jungkook quickly, “What if looked at how sex affects the body when it comes to soulmates?”

You throat goes dry at Namjoon’s suggestion and you have to compose yourself so you won’t give yourself away. You look over at Jungkook who looks just as uncomfortable as you do and it makes you furrow your eyebrows. Maybe Jimin’s sixth sense was right?

“I mean is there even research for that?” You look at him, your question somewhat patronizing.

“Oh yeah,” he says matter-of-factly, “There’s lots of research on how the body responds when people are intimate with people that aren’t their soulmates.”

You glance at Jungkook again whose eyes are dancing around the room and you’re not even sure he’s tuned into the conversation anymore.

“What do you think Jungkook?” You ask him.

“Sure,” he says, “Whatever will get us the grade.”

“Alright then, let’s meet up again next week after we each do some research,” Namjoon smiles before gathering his things up, “I hate to bounce like this but my tutoring shift starts in ten minutes and those freshman are so gullible I can make twice as much money off of them,” he says before waving you two off, leaving you and Jungkook alone.

“Does he really scam freshman?” You ask, somewhat horrified at his statement. Jungkook lets out a laugh, visibly a lot more comfortable now that the previous conversation has passed.

“Only when then they’re dumb enough,” he responds before he begins to gather his things too, “See in you class?”

You nod once, noticing what seems to be a silver Rolex covering his left wrist. Who the hell has a Rolex in college?

“See you in class.”

. “Well, well look who the cat dragged in?” Jimin smiles at you from behind the bar. Yeah—not only was Jimin currently getting his master’s in psychology, he also bartended on the weekends at one of your local bars.

You give him a smile as Taehyung isn’t far behind you, putting his head on your shoulder to look up at the menu.

“Hi babe,” Jimin smiles and Taehyung returns one, wrapping his arms around your front.

“Hi,” he smiles, visibly much more drunk than you were. “I’m pretending she’s you so don’t get jealous okay?” He slurs.

“Hey!” You fight back looking at Taehyung, “Crazy how people change after you ‘fall in love’,” you air quote yourself with sarcasm.

Taehyung laughs in your ear, “You should try it sometime babe,” under normal circumstances, you would have felt very offended at his remark because he knows your situation but with alcohol running through your veins—you let it slide.

“Can I have two green tea shots?” You ask Jimin and he nods quickly.

“Make it four,” Taehyung orders and Jimin laughs before nodding, heading off to make your shots.

Taehyung finally lets go of your middle and you both settle to lean on the bar whilst your drinks are being made.

“How was your week babe?” Taehyung asks, “Better I presume? You look hot so I’m assuming all is well?” He raises an eyebrow at you.

You gives him a smile, glancing down at your outfit. Your mini-wrap skirt and skin tight tank top was as basic as it could get, but it made you look and feel good about yourself.

“Good as it gets Tae,” you say flinging your hair behind your shoulder. On a scale 1 to 10 of drunkeness, you were probably a good 5 but you knew once Jimin was finished with your shots, you would be closer to a 7 or 8.

“I know I’m going to sound fucking crazy right now but it’s kind of just registering what I said to you about falling in love and I did not mean it like that—“ “Taehyung it’s fine,” you shake your head, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“No,” he shakes his head, “It’s not… I’m sorry I’m just really drunk right now,” he groans almost painfully.

“I know,” you smile at him before noticing Jimin has come back with your shots. “And you’re about to be even more drunk so whatever you say, apologize for it now.”

He looks up at the ceiling closing his eyes, “I’m sorry to whoever for the dumb shit I will say the rest of the evening, amen.”

“He’s religious now?” Jimin asks scooting the glasses over to you two.

“Apparently,” you eye him before taking a glass for you and handing one to Taehyung.

“To… senior year!” Taehyung says loudly over the music and you nod, clinking your glasses together.

“To senior year!” You say before downing the shot in its entirety. “Oh my god Jimin,” you groan, “I will never forgive you for getting me on these.”

“What can I say? If you’re gonna drink might as well enjoy it,” is the last thing he says before checking on another customer beside you and Taehyung.

“Oh god,” Taehyung says after downing his shot, looking over your shoulder.

“What?” You ask him, getting ready to down your second one.

“It’s the quiet one, the cute one,” Taehyung’s words confuse you until you begin to piece them together. Quiet… cute… Jungkook.

You take a glance over your shoulder and you nearly jump out of your skin when you see Jungkook looking right back at you. He gives you a small wave and smile and you do the same. He looks really good—blue jeans a t-shirt with his lovely ink being show. What intrigues you the most though is a 35mm camera hanging around his neck. You don’t recognize any of the people he is with before you turn back around, feeling your cheeks heat up even though no one could see it.

“Jungkook,” you say to Taehyung, “That’s his name.”

As much as you wished Taehyung would stop staring in his direction, you knew he was drunk and fighting him on it wouldn’t get you anywhere.

“Well, I think Jungkook,” Taehyung grabs his second shot, “Is hot as fuck and you should totally make a move,” Taehyung finally looks back at you and downs his liquor without waiting on you. You follow suit, the shot slivering down your throat.

“No,” you shake your head, “I don’t think he’s into me, plus I don’t even know if he has a partner or not.”

“You heard what Jimin said a couple weeks ago,” he retorts.

“How does Jimin know he’s right? I mean it’s not like we as humans have a fucking ‘yeah I have a soulmate’ scent to us like were goddamn dogs or something. I mean as much as I would totally make a move on him, I just don’t think I can do—“

“Uh, Y/N,” Taehyung nudges you from your rant.

“What?” You return harshly. A small smirk rises on his face before he points beside of you. You look to your left and your eyes widen when you see Jungkook coming up behind of you.

“J-Jungkook,” you manage to get out, “Hi.”

He approaches you and Taehyung with a warm smile, “Hey Y/N.” His eyes move to Taehyung and you clear your throat to introduce them.

“Jungkook this is Taehyung, Taehyung… Jungkook,” you smile between the two handsome men.

“Nice you to meet you,” Taehyung smiles widely and Jungkook nods.

“What are you doing out tonight?” You ask Jungkook and he steps closer to you as someone pushes past him.

“Trying to relieve some stress,” he answers with a laugh, “Can I get you a drink?” He scratches the back of his head, glancing over at Taehyung again.

“Oh, are you sure?” You ask him before he nods again. You give him a smile, “Alright, whatever you’re having I’ll have.”

“Jimin!” You yell over the music to get his attention. He stops drying a glass and immediately comes to you, his eyes falling on the companion behind of you.

“Can I get two Michelob's?” Jungkook says and you can feel his chest pressing into your back as the overwhelming amount of people pushing and pulling in the bar.

Jimin nods before quickly going into the cooler, popping the tops from the bottle and sliding them over to you.

“Thanks,” you both say grabbing them.

“Thank you,” you turn around to Jungkook and in this position, you underestimated how close you actually are to him. Chest to chest and his head towers over as he looks down at you with a smile.

“No problem,” he says, “Do you wanna go outside? Get some air and more space?”

It’s like he read your mind. “Yeah, sure.”

You tap Taehyung on the shoulder to get his attention from Jimin.

“I’m going outside, I’ll text you if I can’t find you again.”

He nods slowly, “I’ll be right here babe,” he sends you a wink before turning back around.

Jungkook’s eyes lay on Taehyung’s back a little longer than you would like. What’s he thinking right now? Without any warning, Jungkook grabs your hand gently and starts pulling you away from the crowded bar. You aren’t exactly sober right now and you can only hope that your hand isn’t sweating as much as you think it is. Jungkook leads you out to the deck that’s also crowded and loud, but leaves a lot more room to breathe.

You lean against the railing and Jungkook does the same across from you, just mere inches separating the two of you.

“Are you here with just Taehyung?” He asks you taking a sip of his beer. You follow suit. Thank god he ordered Michelob—a man with taste.

You nod, “Yeah… he wanted to go out more than I did but, here we are,” you try to make a joke at your drunkeness but fail miserably. Jungkook gives you a short lived smile.

“So… are you two like, together?” Jungkook says his words slowly, not wanting to say or imply the wrong thing. Your eyes nearly pop out of your head after he asks his question.

You start to laugh, having to cover your mouth so you don’t cackle loud enough to draw attention. Jungkook looks confused before you say—

“Taehyung’s gay,” you explain after your laughter dies down, “His partner is the bartender Jimin.”

Jungkook’s face falls and his doe eyes bulge out of his head. “Holy shit I didn’t know, I didn’t mean—“

“Jungkook it’s fine,” you wave him off, “You’re not the first person to ever ask if Tae and I are a thing. As much as I wish the universe was that nice to me to give me a man like Taehyung but no,” you smile although deep down it does hurt. You grew up with Taehyung hoping he would be your soulmate and when Jimin’s name appeared on the inside of his pinky, that dream bursted real fast.

“What about you?” You ask him. Now’s your chance. It’s got to be the alcohol that’s making this conversation easy as cake because normally, talk of this nature would not be spoken in public with this many people around.

Jungkook rolls his tongue in his cheek and you swear your heart skips a beat. He starts to shake his head, “No I just got out of a relationship.”

“Oh,” your face falls. So was he with a girlfriend at dinner a few weeks back?

“Yeah I guess the universe hates me too,” he says nonchalantly and the air suddenly feels thick with tension. So he didn’t have a soulmate? Nor did you? What were the odds?

“I hate to sound weird or creepy but,” you pause, unsure if you wanted to ask but internally you say fuck it. “I saw you a few weeks ago at the Thai place downtown with a girl, so that’s why I asked.”

Jungkook’s eyes are hard to read as he gulps his beer. You’re not sure he’s that drunk but if he is, he’s great at hiding it.

“Yeah… that was her,” he nods, “But like I said the universe is cruel and decide to give her a name after a couple months of dating,” he scoffs and almost seems angry—which I guess he has a right to be.

“Oh shit,” you mumble, “I’m sorry,” you offer.

He shakes his head, “It’s fine, what can I do about it now you know?”

You nod slowly, “Look forward to the future? Who knows what might happen.”

“You’re right,” he smiles tenderly, “To the future?” He raises his bottle.

“To the future,” you smile clinking the glass together.

“So who are you here with?” You ask him.

“Just my roommates, Yugyeom and Mingyu,” he explains while licking his lips and your heart skips a beat again.

“You don’t strike me as the type that gets out much you know,” you push a finger into his chest, narrowing your eyesight. 1 to 10 on the drunk scale? An 8 or 9 at the moment.

“Why’s that?” He amuses.

“Jeon, you barely spoke to me the first two weeks of class. I thought you were fucking mute.”

He suddenly steps closer to you and it forces you to drop your finger.

“I’m shy okay?” He says with a pout. “I’m good now though? Right?” You swear his eyes are like a damn puppy dog looking at you like that. Your throat goes dry before you nod.

“For the most part I guess,” you offer weakly batting your eyelashes at him. You glance down his body quickly and notice the way his light blue jeans hug his tiny waist and thick thighs deliciously. Jesus fucking Christ.

“What this all about?” you point to his camera that’s dangling between his pecs. You needed to get your mind back to PG and fast.

He smiles lightly, “My hobby,” he says simply, “I like to take pictures for memories sake.”

“Memories sake,” you repeat, “So do you take it with you everywhere then?”

“Only if I think something interesting might happen that needs to be captured,” he shrugs. God he was so attractive and the longer you stared at him, the faster you were falling down a hole.

“What have you captured tonight then?”

“Nothing much really,” he glances down your front quickly and he thinks you don’t notice until you smirk at him.

“Take a picture of me,” you tilt your head with a smile, “I’m a treasure that should be captured, don’t ya think?” the alcohol was getting to you bad. When Jungkook laughs at you, you swear you saw two faces and you knew you needed to sober the fuck up.

“Alright, fine,” he says, stepping away from you to adjust his lens for the lighting. You lean onto the railing with you elbow, giving him a smile when you look towards his camera. He snaps the picture twice and the flash momentarily blinds you. He looks back at his view finder and you step to him to see it.

“See, a treasure,” you say.

He nods slowly before looking down at you, “Definitely.”

You feel yourself stepping closer to him, leaning up to get a full view of his face. You bite your lip as he leans down, your noses brushing together before you step back.

“Wait… so you don’t have a soulmate?” You keep your voice low and hesitant.

He shakes his head, “No,” he says, “See.” He shows his wrists and in between his fingers and nothing. You do the same for him, moving your bracelets and watch back. He gives you a small smirk before leaning down to close the gap between the two of you. You inhale his clean scent as you push up on your toes to deepen the kiss. With your hand that isn’t occupied you bring it to the side of his face to caress his skin. His lips are so fucking soft and you whine as he pulls away.

“I would ask you to go home with me but I think you’re too drunk,” he says honestly and you furrow your eyebrows at him with a sad pout.

“Hey I’m fine,” you defend yourself.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m that type of guy,” he says, “I’m pretty far from that.”

His words are sweet and considerate and you’re not sure any guy you have met that would be in this position to not jump straight into your pants. As much as you wouldn’t mind Jungkook to do that—you could see where he was coming from. Besides, you were really drunk and really tired so you probably wouldn’t even get off which would defeat the purpose of getting laid.

“Jungkook I know, I can see that,” you tell him before you bite your lip again, “But I am a great cuddlier if that has any weight?”

A large smile falls on his lips and his nose scrunches up from giggling. “Alright, you’re the big spoon though,” he deadpans.

You roll your eyes, “We’ll see about that.” Jungkook smirks before grabbing your hand for both of you to close out your tabs and head to his place.

.

You wake up the next morning in an unfamiliar, but quite comfortable bed. You blink your eyes slowly to let light in and you stretch your feet our from your fetal position. Once your vision focuses you see that you’re alone underneath a grey duvet and you nearly freak out until you quickly remember your previous evening.

You had got to Jungkook’s place around 12:30 AM and aside from light making out, nothing extreme happened between you two as Jungkook insisted on being sober before going there. He obviously lost the argument about who was going to be the big and little spoon as you both fell asleep comfortably with his arms around your front. Speaking of—where was he?

You push the covers from your body and see you’re dressed in an oversized t-shirt, your clothes neatly folded on his dresser. You memory is slightly fuzzy, unsure if you changed your clothes yourself or if Jungkook dressed you. Heat rushes to you face at the thought. Damn, you hoped you hadn’t seemed desperate but when you were drunk—that tended to happen. Although not as much anymore as random hookups slowed down the older you got as most people were linking up with their destined lovers.

Fuck—you think, you had nearly forgotten perhaps the biggest detail of last night. Jungkook didn’t have a soulmate. The thought made you giddy on the inside. Maybe he was just as fucked up as you were.

You’re about to leave Jungkook’s room until he suddenly appears in the doorway.

“Oh, hey I was just coming to see if you were up,” he gives you a soft smile and you have to scramble your eyes away from his heavily built chest and torso. You find that he has tattoos all the way up his knuckles to his shoulder. Fuck.

“I just woke up,” you mumble stepping towards the door.

“I made some breakfast,” he says reaching towards your hand gently, “I have some medicine too if you’re hungover.”

You smile at him as he pulls you to him to walk you down the short hallway to his kitchen. It smelt of bacon, eggs, and toast—just what you needed.

“Thanks,” you say gratefully as you take a seat on one of his barstools. He slides a plate over to you as well as a bottle of Advil. “You already ate?” You ask him as you begin to dive into the food that will surely settle your rumbling stomach.

“Sorry,” he laughs, “I woke up awhile ago and went for a run so I had to eat.”

You swat your hand not caring, “It’s fine—wait, what time is it?” Your eyes bulge.

He looks at his silver watch, “Almost noon,” he says, his eyes not looking at tired as he probably is.

“Noon?!” You say with a mouthful of bread, “What the hell I never this sleep this late…” you say after swallowing.

“You drank a lot last night Y/N,” he laughs at you and you give him your middle finger. He rests on his hands across from you in the kitchen and you can’t help but notice the veins in his arms. Was the universe really being this good to you? After all this time, giving you access to someone who is this fine and who doesn’t have a partner? You almost couldn’t believe it.

“Sorry if I was annoying, or needy, or anything like that,” you say somewhat embarrassed that Jungkook had to deal with you even though neither of you know each other that well.

His eyes soften, “It’s fine. You were funny.”  

You’ve devoured your plate of food and you hop down from the barstool to clean your plate. Since he cooked, the least you could was put away your mess.

“Oh I’m hilarious,” you give him a snide look before you bump him with your hip to scoot him over so you can wash your plate. He obliges whilst watching your every move. Jungkook seeing you in one of his favorite t-shirts is driving him delirious.

“But seriously though,” your voice cuts his inappropriate train of thought, “If I said anything incriminating, don’t tell anyone,” you give him a side look as you dry your plate. Jungkook laughs before a smirk appears on his face.

“I quite enjoyed your rambling,” he steps closer to you as you turn to look up at him. “It was very… what’s the word… suggestive,” he looks off as if he’s running deep thoughts.

You roll your eyes—yup, definitely horny and needy words were said. Feeling somewhat brave—maybe it was because you weren’t really hungover and the fact that Jungkook is standing there like that in front of you—you step towards him so your chests are touching.

“Maybe you should remind me what I said one day then?” You whisper only so he can hear. He chuckles through his nose before placing one of his hands on your back to pull you flush against him.

“Why not right now?” He says, his nose dipping to touch yours. His eyes are soft but carry a darkness to them you can’t quite read. You give him a small nod before you move your head to place your lips on his. Your mouths mold together like putty slowly before he slips his tongue into your mouth to tease you.  

You pull away quickly, “Wait, don’t you have roommates?” You whisper again looking around the quiet apartment. You noticed how clean it was to be housed by 3 men in their early twenties.

“They’re asleep,” he says, caressing your lower back, his hand begging to go to your ass but he restrains himself. “So you’ll have to be quiet, unlike last night,” he raises an eyebrow at you.

“Challenge accepted,” you grab his face to pull him back down to you to connect your lips once more.

His hands grapple your waist desperately to pull you flush against him. He smells like laundry and cotton, the scent driving you mad. As Jungkook realizes that the two of you are still in his kitchen and Yugyeom or Mingyu could easily come out of their rooms any moment, he pulls away from you and you follow him back into his room. He wastes no time shutting his door and pushing you against it.

You felt yourself growing dizzier by the second as he continued to kiss you with a gentle force that you’ve never experienced before. He was probably the best kisser you’ve ever kissed.  You could tell he wanted to touch you and you wanted him to touch you so you began to trace your hands up his sculpted back and pushing your hips out towards him.

Jungkook now having your permission, one of his hands trail up your thigh to push his t-shirt away from your backside, his large hand massaging the skin carefully and calculated. Suddenly you found his lips on your neck as he pushes your body further into his door.

“Jungkook,” you groaned quietly as he nipped at the sensitive skin. He pulls your thigh up against his leg and you nearly let out a moan when you feel his hardening cock press into your center.

“Fuck,” you breathe out as you let out an experimental roll of your hips against his. Jungkook pulls back with a short chuckle before kissing your lips gently again.

“Quiet,” he laughs again and you push his chest away from yours to get him to sit on the edge of his bed. You crawl onto his lap, straddling his tiny waist and thick thighs. You continued to kiss like no tomorrow before you placed your palm over his center.

“Shit,” he groans into your mouth as you palm him slowly and torturously. “Y/N, wait, are you sure?”  

You pull your hand back and stare down at him with hazy eyes. You nod frantically, “Yes, are you?”

“God yes,” he breathes out and in one smooth motion, he flips you two over with him standing in between your legs. He begins to take his shirt from your body and you happily help him and his eyes immediately go to your breasts, your nipples taut for him.

He kisses you again before kissing down your neck and then down over your boobs, his tongue swirling and his teeth nipping at all the right places. Jungkook finds himself on his knees, right in front of where you need each other most. He spreads your legs a little more before he goes right in to kiss your center over your underwear. Your head falls back as you rest on your hands watching him bite his lip in excitement. You’d never had a guy go down on your the first hookup—you thought you could be in love right now.

His brown eyes glance at you briefly before you nod for him to make sure what he was going was okay. He fingers pull at your underwear and you lift your hips to help him drag the material down your legs. He grabs your hips and pulls your towards him, his mouth going straight to work on you.

You shut your eyes at the feeling unable to keep them open as he laps up and down your slit. He kisses you with hunger and when he finds your clit, the moan that escapes your mouth is loud and embarrassing.

“Oh god, Jungkook,” he smirks against your pussy before continuing to lap at your sensitive bud, his fingers now teasing your entrance.

He slips in one finger, pumping it slowly before entering a second—stretching you just how you need. You fall back on your elbows and your toes curl when you feel an orgasm close approaching.

“Fuck, fuck,” your hips raise as he focuses on your clit, his eyes never leaving your face. He can tell you’re about to come and he’d be damned if he didn’t bring you there. Two more kitten licks send you over the edge and you climax hard having to bite your lip so you don’t make much noise.

Jungkook licks his lips as he comes back to you to kiss you. You welcome him with open arms and you pull him on top of you. You needed him now and the issue in his pants showed he wanted you just as much. You help him push down his sweats and boxers and when you first get sight of his dick, your mouth nearly drops. Okay—the universe was definitely helping you out right now.

You reach down between you, wrapping your hands around his girth to fully harden him. He sucks in a deep breath when you pull and tug at his sensitive skin. You take his pre cum on your thumb and rub it around to make the slip easier. His forehead falls against your shoulder as you continue to jerk him off. His breathing increases as each pull comes from your hand and he’ quickly pushing your hand away.

“I wanna be inside you baby,” he says and it sends a shockwave through your core.

Jungkook finds a condom from his side table and rolls it on quickly. He positions himself between you, his nose brushing against yours as he pecks your lips.

“Ready?” He asks you as he guides his tip into you. Both of your mouths fall agape, a small whine coming from Jungkook’s throat as he pushes deeper into you. “Fuck—Y/N, you’re so tight.”

You lift your hips to help him get as deep as possible and when he bottoms out, you’re unsure if you’ve ever felt this full your entire life. His forehead falls against your shoulder once more and he kisses your exposed skin gently as he starts to slowly thrust in and out of you.

He feels more than amazing and your whole body feels on fire.

“Jungkook,” you breathe out as you wrap your legs around his back, “Faster, please.” You don’t care about sounding desperate.

He sits up on his elbows and obeys, snapping his hips against you harder and quicker. You hold onto his cheeks, your fingertips pulling at his hair and neither of you can be quiet now.

“Shit,” he marvels at the way he disappears inside of you, your cunt squeezing around him so he won’t leave.

“Jungkook—ah,” he hits your deepest spot in you and he sticks his thumb in your mouth to bite down on to shut you up. His other fingers grip the side of your neck and you feel like you could pass out from his ministrations.

“I’m not gonna last much longer,” he whispers in your ear and you nod pulling his face down to you, snapping your hips to meet up with his. You found yourself clenching around his cock as Jungkook’s breaths get shakier and shakier. “Fuck Y/N.”

“Don’t stop,” you managed to get out as he hammered you into his mattress, hitting your g-spot perfectly—another orgasm quickly coming into your system. Jungkook’s face was contorted and tortured as he chased his high deep inside of you. “Come on Jungkook,” you whisper beside his ear and he lifts his head up, crashing his lips onto yours.

Between your desperate attempts to be quiet and Jungkook’s relentless pace, you come again around his cock fast and hard, pulsating around him in spurts.

“Ah—fuck,” Jungkook’s hips ram into yours deeply as he finally finds his release. He collapses on top of your frame, his elbows the only thing holding him up. He pulls himself out of you a moment later, but he doesn’t move his body from above you.

Both of you are breathing heavy, it being the only sound radiating in the room. You caress  the right side of his face, pushing his bangs away from his forehead. He leans into your touch with a small smile before kissing your wrist gently. He then rolls his body from yours, discarding of his condom quickly.

You both turn to each other as Jungkook throws an arm lazily around your waist.

“Are you even real?” His deep voice suddenly says with his eyes closed. You give him a sheepish smile as he opens his eyes.

“The universe is fucking funny huh?” You say and Jungkook laughs deep within his chest.

“Very funny,” he mumbles before watching your face intently.

“Now what?” You ask obliviously. Sure, you had your hookups on and off before but with Jungkook—something felt different—in a good way. Like he wasn’t supposed to be a hookup—but something more.

He shrugs, “Whatever you wanna be.”

You bite your lip hesitating before saying, “I know you just got out of a relationship so I don’t want you to feel rushed or anything.”

“It’s fine Y/N,” he gives you a small smile, “I’m fine with whatever you’re fine with. As long as you don’t break my heart.”

You laugh, swatting at his chest playfully, “You mean as long as you don’t break my heart.”

He smirks, “Deal.”

.

You meet with Namjoon and Jungkook the following week to begin working on your project. You three decided on meeting in the library after all of your classes were over for the day to keep it convenient. You and Jungkook finished around the same time and ended up grabbing some food before heading out to the library. It had not been that long since you and Jungkook hooked up and you two began to text and Snapchat each other everyday. Your friendship with Jungkook hadn’t changed in any way as you two didn’t officially have a label yet, but now one look at him sent you weak to the knees.  

“You guys seriously couldn’t wait for me to get food?!” Namjoon shows up on the second floor of the library around 6:25 PM. You and Jungkook laugh at him as he sits down. He looks exhausted.

“Rough day?” You ask him as he sits down from across from you and Jungkook.

He lets out a deep sigh, “Have you ever amputated a finger before?”

You and Jungkook give each other an odd glance before scrunching your nose, “No, what the fuck?” Jungkook mutters.

Namjoon gives you a straight smile, “Well how about 4 fingers? That was my day summed up and I still think I’m queasy,” he shakes his head slowly.

You furrow your eyebrows at him, “Joon, don’t you wanna be a doctor?”

“Family medicine, not surgery or anything gross like that,” he explains and that makes much more sense—though I’m sure Namjoon knows medical school has a lot more than family medicine waiting for him.

“Gotcha,” you pull up the documents you have saved for your research on your computer. Under the table, Jungkook nudges your knee with his and you have to fight the urge to smile.

Namjoon watches, the two of you oblivious.

“You look happy,” he says. Jungkook looks up from his phone and you from your screen.

“Who?” You and Jungkook same at the same time.

Namjoon narrows his eyes, “Both of you… strange,” he licks his lips pondering on his words.

You glance at Jungkook before turning back to your screen, not wanting to be caught in his stare.

“Am I not allowed to be in a good mood?” Jungkook laughs sarcastically.

You bite your lip trying to suppress your smile. Sure, you and Jungkook had hooked up once or twice now and you two were slowly getting to know each other more everyday—but you swore the butterflies in your stomach told you something was special about him.

“I mean, you’re just always so quiet… and—hey why are you laughing?” Namjoon looks at you with a serious expression.

“I’m not laughing,” you say, biting the inside of your cheek.

“Yeah Y/N, quit laughing,” Jungkook says, nudging your leg under the table again.

“God I’m gonna get queasy again,” Namjoon’s face contorts, his eyes darting between the two of you, “Since when do you two flirt with each other? In front of me?”

Once again, you keep your eyes away from Jungkook, “We’re not flirting,” you say monotonously.

Namjoon looks at Jungkook since you refuse to meet anyone’s gaze. Namjoon raises his  eyebrows at his friend curiously, an unspoken language going between them. Jungkook smirks before giving you one last glance before he says—

“Y/N and I hooked up.”

Your eyes widen instantly at Jungkook’s words and you whip your head to turn towards him.

“Jungkook what the fuck! I thought we weren’t gonna tell anyone!” Your words give away to Namjoon that Jungkook wasn’t bluffing.

Jungkook’s eyes soften looking at you, “Come on, his crazy ass was onto us anyways,” he motions towards Namjoon.

“Yeah, uh huh. I knew something was off when Jungkook’s ears kept going red every time he looked at you,” Namjoon slowly starts to smile, “How disgusting is that.”

You flip him off, “Well, don’t tell anyone.”  

“So,” Namjoon pauses, “You guys aren’t…?” He trails his question off and both of you know what he wants to say. Soulmates.

Slowly, you both shake your head. Namjoon is slightly confused himself. Normally by 18 years old people have their other half assigned to them—him included. His partner’s name appeared on the inside of his palm when he was 15. But you and Jungkook were almost 22?

“Do you guys have one? That you just haven’t met yet?” Namjoon keeps his question low.

Again, you both shake your heads. Wow, Namjoon thinks. An idea suddenly pops into his head.

“Wait so—I have an idea,” Namjoon’s eyes light up.

“Oh god,” Jungkook mumbles.

“So if you guys don’t have partners and you two keep… doing it,” he pauses with a laugh, “Couldn’t we use your experience in our project?”

It takes a few moments for Namjoon’s words to register as your mouth falls agape. Jungkook pinches the bridge of his nose, unsure if he heard Namjoon correctly.

“Hyung, didn’t you just hear her say not to tell anyone?” Jungkook deadpans.

“I mean we don’t have to specify names,” Namjoon quickly elaborates, “I mean you guys did some research right? You’ve read all the horrible stuff that happens to people who go against nature.”

Yeah, you did read about that stuff and it absolutely terrified you. But even after hooking up with Jungkook and other suitors in your life—nothing bad had happened to you, so if anything, this research exists to only frighten people.

“Namjoon, I get what you’re saying but—I don’t know, we might not even hook up again,” you laugh waving your hand off.

“Wait, why not?” Jungkook’s voice suddenly goes to a higher pitch, his eyes looking at you quickly. Namjoon chuckles at the exchange. Namjoon had known Jungkook a long time and he’s never seen him want this much validation from a female—ever.

“I mean,” you pause looking at the dark haired boy beside you, “I didn’t know if—“

“Yeah yeah, work out this shit later,” Namjoon interrupts, “But I don’t know, just something to keep in mind over the rest of the semester.”

With that, the conversation ended and the three of you managed to begin typing up your report. Occasionally, you would bump Jungkook’s knee here and there just to see his reaction. He would smile although not sparing a glance at you. By the end of your study session, all three of you got a good start on the project and Jungkook’s hand rested on your thigh the whole night and you knew it didn’t belong anywhere else.

.

Weeks later, yours and Jungkook’s relationship became slightly more complicated. While you two managed to stay cordial in class and hide whatever the hell was going on between you two—once you two were alone, all bets were fucking off. Jungkook would come to your place or you would go to his when his roommates were out and he would fuck you into the mattress until you were nearly screaming. It was good—he was good—and quickly you felt yourself starting to catch feelings for him. You knew that was dangerous territory considering a name might pop up on your body any day, so as hard as it was, you repressed your feelings for him. You were unsure of how Jungkook felt. As better as he was at talking now and he did trust you, he wasn’t one for deep talk unless he had a few glasses of wine in his system. You were fine with that though, knowing it was probably for the better.

You had thought everything was going good—Jungkook, classes, exams, your project, keeping up with Taehyung and Jimin—until it all came crashing down one afternoon at your apartment.

It was a Friday afternoon and you had invited Jungkook over to… well… get your brains fucked out. You like to think you are a smart girl but today, you were being a grade ass dumbass because you had completely forgotten about your lunch date with Taehyung and Jimin.

Normally, Taehyung wouldn’t have cared if you had missed one day with him but as your best friend of years and years—he noticed something had been off with you lately. Slightly more… flakey than normal. Jimin noticed it too. So when Taehyung found himself outside of your apartment that Friday afternoon, what he saw—shook him to his core.

You and Jungkook had just gotten out of the shower after going at it like bunnies for a good hour. He couldn’t keep his hands off of you, placing his lips around yours and down your neck, leaving barely there marks behind of your ears.

“Jungkook—stop,” you push his bare chest away as you heard someone knocking on your door. He gives you a shit-eating grin, staying back in the hallway as you go to the door, holding the towel up around your body tight.

You open the door and your face fell instantly. Fuck.

“Taehyung? Jimin?” Your voice shakes, “W-what are you doing here?”

Without any warning Taehyung and Jimin step into your apartment and you begin to panic.

“What the hell Y/N, you’ve bailed on us without explanation three times now!” Taehyung says dramatically, “I mean damn I know Jimin and I are disgusting sometimes but the least you can do is give a heads—what’s that?” Taehyung’s eyes land on your neck and you step away from him, holding your towel closer to you.

“N-nothing,” you stutter. “I’m s-sorry I forgot about lunch, I’ve been really busy lately,” your excuse is lame, but you have nothing else.

“Busy?” Taehyung says eyeing you up and down, “I can see that.”

“Y/N hey where is—“ your eyes roll into the back of your head as Jungkook enters your living room at just the wrong time. No, he didn’t know it was Taehyung and Jimin, but it still doesn’t make you happy. Especially since he’s just wearing sweatpants, his hair wet like yours, compromising your secret.

“Whoa,” Jimin suddenly laughs looking at the scene. “This the quiet one?” He points over at Jungkook. Jungkook pouts—what are they talking about?—he thinks to himself.

“Holy shit Y/N what are you doing?” Taehyung doesn’t seem as enthusiastic. He looks over at Jungkook and you swear you see Taehyung salivate inside his mouth, “I mean I get why you’re doing it but, c’mon isn’t this risky?”

“I know you’re probably confused,” you bite your lip nervously. “I shouldn’t have kept this from you.”

“Yeah no shit,” he genuinely seems angry, an emotion not common to him. “We’re best friends Y/N.”

“Tae, c’mon it’s really none of our business,” Jimin steps in trying to help you out.

“It is too my business when he could potentially hurt her,” Taehyung crosses his arms. Jungkook seems taken aback by his comment and he steps towards you from behind.

“I mean I like her,” Jungkook’s voice quickly speaks up, startling you from behind. You turn your body to look at him, his eyes meeting yours.

“You do?” Your voice comes out in a squeak, a smile spreading on your face like a wildfire.

“You do?” Taehyung asks this time, looking between you two. He looks at his partner Jimin who specializes in this stuff. Jimin nods at Taehyung for reassurance.

“Yeah, a lot actually,” Jungkook steps closer to you, throwing an arm around your shoulder to pull you close to his chest. You try to hide your embarrassingly huge smile.

Taehyung’s body visibly falters, his eyes going back to his usual soft gaze. Taehyung knew you deserved happiness and if Jungkook made you happy—who was he to stop that?

“I’m sorry again for keeping this from you, it’s just we didn’t want…”

“No I get it,” he nods, “But don’t do that shit again,” he gives you a smile. As warm as Jungkook’s embrace is, you step away and give yourself to Taehyung’s arms.

“You’re the best,” you mumble into his chest.

“Bitch, I know,” his chest rumbles against yours. Jungkook watches you and Taehyung embrace, his heart swelling. Goddamn—maybe he is in a little too deep. At this point, he doesn’t care though. If anything, he wants to make you happy and he’d be damned to let the universe stop that.

.

It was officially Halloween. Nearly three months after you and Jungkook first crossed paths and met, the two of you were also “official”. Neither of you can recall the exact date it happened, but it was not long after Taehyung and Jimin busted you two. You and Jungkook had decided to not tell that many people outside of your inner circle—neither of you wanting to deal with the glares and questions. You didn’t have a name attached on your body and he didn’t either, so what were you guys doing wrong? Nothing. He was yours and you were his and you haven’t been this happy in a long time.

Jungkook, though his Virgo nature being quite selfish sometimes, was always sweet, caring, checking in on you, surprising you with flowers, genuine, and opened up some of his deepest fears to you. You had been on cloud nine for months all because of him. You had probably thanked Namjoon at least six different occasions for dragging you over to meet them way back when. Namjoon was happy for you two—though being as quizzical as he was—he had his concerns, though he never outright voiced them.

Jimin being how he was, had his concerns too. Everyone around you and Jungkook saw how you two were infatuated around each other. Jimin had never seen two people who weren’t soulmates have the connection you two had. It worried him for many reasons, which is why he’s voicing them to Taehyung right now.

“Babe, I don’t know,” Jimin says as him and Taehyung somehow got on the topic of you and Jungkook. “Don’t you think they’re moving really fast?” He questions.

Taehyung looks at his partner, a confused expression crossing his features, “Why do you say that? As long as Y/N is happy, I don’t really care who dicks her down at night, soulmate or not.”

Jimin lets out a laugh before shaking his head, “I mean, in all my case studies I’ve never seen two people like that.”

Taehyung deadpans his boyfriend, “Jimin, you of all people should know that’s not true.”

Jimin nods, immediately understanding where he is coming from. “I know. I’m just worried one of them will get hurt. A name is destined to show up on them eventually.”

Taehyung grinds his teeth, “Y/N has never been one to feed into that stuff so I’m not sure she would care anyways.”

“But she should Tae,” Jimin says, “Jungkook too. I mean there’s serious repercussions to messing with nature.”

“Well they’re fine now, aren’t they?” by Taehyung’s response—Jimin isn’t even sure if he full listening to him. Taehyung being good with numbers and business, he doesn’t fully grasp the concepts of soulmates like Jimin does. For Jimin—it’s his studies, his passion, his life.

“Yeah but—“ Jimin gets cut off by a harsh knock on his apartment door.

“They’re here,” Taehyung smiles walking over to get the door, “Don’t say anything sketch okay?” he warns Jimin as he opens the door.

You nearly fall on your ass as Taehyung opens the door. Jungkook pulls you back with a laugh as you walk into Jimin’s apartment.

“Tae! Chim!” You smile widely, throwing your arms around Taehyung’s neck tightly. You stumble in your heels and Taehyung’s hands steady you, a rumble in his chest.

“Jesus Y/N. How much have you drank already?” He exasperates, glancing over at Jungkook.

“I told her to slow down,” Jungkook puts his hands up in defense. You giggle letting go of your friend to quickly hug Jimin too. “She doesn’t listen to me,” he adds with a laugh.

“I’m fine guys,” you say glancing at Taehyung’s and Jimin’s costumes.”Really? Pirates?”  

“Hey!” Taehyung defends, “How much more cliché could you two get? A doctor and a nurse?!”

You glance over at Jungkook in his scrubs and white coat and down your body. A slutty red and white nurse’s uniform complete with thigh highs hug your figure and you quite liked it, mainly because watching Jungkook shift uncomfortably every time he glanced at you made you feel accomplished.

“Hey, we look hot,” you point at Taehyung’s chest, stumbling backwards again. Jungkook decides to pull you to his side, not wanting you to fall on your ass for real this time.

“Come on babe, slow down,” Jungkook mumbles as he wraps his arms around your front, glancing down your cleavage from behind. You nudge his stomach with your elbow.

“I’m a big girl,” you pout, “So are we going or what?”

“Yeah, just waiting on the address,” Jimin smiles waving his phone in the air.

A few moments pass, chatter between the four of you ensues. You loved your little group. Taehyung and Jimin welcomed Jungkook with open arms, the four of you going out on double dates, grabbing coffee, watching movies, and studying all became weekly occurrences. You were always so scared to dive into another relationship given your age and circumstance, but you swore that someway and somehow—you and Jungkook were meant to be together.

Twenty minutes later, the four of you step out of your Uber and make your way towards the new bar that opened near your campus. It was opening weekend and a Halloween party was obviously necessary. You held onto Jungkook’s hand tightly as you made your way inside the crowded area. You immediately aimed your way to the bar, ordering a vodka-soda, Jungkook ordering some soju.

“Don’t blackout on me now,” Jungkook raises an eyebrow at you, watching the way you take a huge sip of your drink.

“I said I’m a big girl,” you stand your ground, “I bet I can put away twice as many drinks as you.”

“Don’t listen to her Jungkook,” Taehyung says grabbing his own mixed drink, “She likes to spit nonsense when she’s drunk.”

“Oh trust me, I know,” he smirks at you and roll your eyes at him. Jungkook leans down and you peck his lips lightly—the same butterflies swirling in your stomach all these months later. Jimin watches the interaction closely. He knows exactly how you and Jungkook feels, but he still can’t shake the uneasiness deep in his gut.

“Come on, let’s dance,” you smile up at your boyfriend tugging on his arm. The music was loud and good, you were not just going to stand around. Jungkook nods quickly as you finish your drink, leaving Taehyung and Jimin behind at the bar.

Your heels made you more even with Jungkook’s height tonight as you threw your arms around his shoulders to pull him closer to you. His hands grip you waist tightly, wanting every guy here to know that you were his. For some reason, for whatever fucking reason—Jungkook felt inclined to protect you. As you sing whatever song was playing loudly, Jungkook found himself smiling and laughing at you. His chest twisted and his heart thumped. He still pinched himself when he woke up in the mornings. How did he get so lucky in this fucked world of destiny? If you weren’t meant for him, then who was?

You turn around pushing your back to his front. He holds you close as you both sway to the music as if it’s only you and him against the world. He smiles into your neck, kissing your delicate skin once in awhile. He spins you out from him and spins you back in quickly, your mind going dizzy.

“Hey careful,” you whine as you turn to him once again, “I’m drunk you know.”

“I thought you were a big girl,” he teases you and you narrow your eyes at him.

“Maybe not when I’m drunk,” you yell-whisper into his ear. He laughs, pulling you into a kiss. To any wondering eye, it would look as if you two were soulmates among other destined couples. Maybe that was the point? To fake it and then it becomes real?

Your heart swells at the thought. Jungkook studies your face intently, knowing that uttering his next words could be real dangerous but when you flash your gorgeous smile at him—he knows he has to say it.

“Wanna know a secret?” He asks.

“Sure.”

“I love you,” the words spill from his mouth. Your movements stop and you swear your drunkeness subsides momentarily.

“W-what?” You stutter. Did you hear him correctly?

“I know we’re drunk and this isn’t the best time but yeah,” he nods, “I love you Y/N.”

You head spins and you heart drops into your stomach. A smile creeps up onto your face.

“Really?” you ask, your eyes similar to those of a puppy. Jungkook nods, biting his lip. Will you say it back? “Thank fucking god, I thought I was the only one,” you say dramatically.

He furrows his eyebrows, chuckling, “Really?”

“Jeon Jungkook I fucking love you too,” you say, “I was waiting on you to say it.”

Once again he laughs, “Babe you can’t wait on stuff, you gotta go after what you want.”

“Well I already have you, don’t I?” You point out, “Come on, let’s go home.”

“Why? We’ve have one drink babe,” he says as you’re tugging on his hand.

“I know,” you look at him with a devilish smirk, “But I wanna fuck you and I’m not doing that in this bar.”

Jungkook’s face falls, blood rushing to his cock. “Fair enough.”

.

November is cold, which means December is going to be even colder. The days get shorter and your nights get longer as you try to prepare for finals in the next few weeks. Currently you’re bundled in two layers of clothing in the back of the library with Namjoon, adding the finishing touches on your final project that’s also due soon. Jungkook had to attend a seminar for one of his classes this evening which is why he’s MIA.

“Lucky shit,” Namjoon remarks when you explain your boyfriend’s absence. It was still strange to refer to him as your boyfriend.

“Would you honestly want to be lectured about how building muscles in the key to life right now?” You raise an eyebrow at him pointedly. Jungkook could even admit as a sports medicine major some of the people and things he learns about is absolute horseshit.

Namjoon laughs, “Touche.”

You’re working on the presentation aspect of you project while Namjoon is typing away at the research paper. As much as you despised the soulmate hoopla, reading about this stuff was very interesting. You had read how soulmates are apparently linked and of course, there is truly only one person meant for you. You rolled your eyes at these statements. If that was true, then why have you still not been given a name? There were so many questions that were just unanswerable that you couldn’t get over. Sure, the soulmate thing worked for some you couldn’t lie about that. At the end of the day though, perhaps you were one of the lucky ones—not bound by a name and given free reign over who is in the same spot as you.

“How’s everything going with you two by the way?” Namjoon asks curiously. His eyes haven’t left his computer screen so you oppose looking back at him when you answer.

“Good,” you smile slightly, “It’s still weird to think that we’re together,” you laugh at your statement.

He smiles to himself, “Weird for you? How about weird for me? I introduced the two of you being Jungkook is shy twat.”

“I know, I know,” you reach across the table and squeeze Namjoon’s hand playfully, “Which is why I’ve thanked you how many times now?”

“Yeah yeah, you only. Jungkook hasn’t given me his thanks yet.”

“I wouldn’t expect him too.”

“Trust me, I’m not,” he smiles with another stifled laugh as you two try to keep quiet. “So nothing’s really happened between you two?”

He’s referring to your project which you hastily agreed on letting yours and Jungkook’s “experience” to be first hand research.

You shake your head, “No. By the fifth time we had sex I was expecting to “feel excruciating pain deep within my chest as the universe tries to pull me away” him,” you quote one of the claims made by a well-known and well respected researcher. It was almost comical—how could anyone believe this stuff?

“Okay, TMI,” he puts his hands up.

“Hey this was your idea,” you remind him.

“It’s just wild to me,” he says, “I mean we grow up thinking there’s someone out there only meant for us and you and Jungkook… just don’t have one?” He looks off in the distance and you’re not sure if you should be offended by his statement—though Namjoon is a realist and he’s very logical so everything he’s saying is true.

“We have each other,” you shrug, “That’s good enough for me. I love him for who he is,” you almost feel heat coming to your face but you push it down.

“That’s how I feel about Kaya,” he almost smiles.

You look at him curiously—Namjoon hardly ever speaks of his soulmate. They’ve been together for a long time but she goes to university a couple hours from here so they don’t get to see each other as often as they would like.

“Can I see?” You whisper. He furrows his eyebrows, confused. “Your mark, I mean.”

Namjoon looks down at his left hand before nodding, opening his palm for you. In faint white writing, almost skin color—is the name Kaya in beautiful cursive. It makes your heart strings feel heavy for a moment. You knew you didn’t need a name to find love but you had always been curious about what it would be like to dawn one.

“Did it hurt? When it showed up?”

He shakes his head, “Not really, just kind like a little sting.”

“Why do you think I don’t have one? And Jungkook too?”

Your question catches him off guard. Honestly if anyone could answer this question, it was Park Jimin but he obviously wasn’t here. Namjoon was smart though—maybe he had good theories.

“I honestly don’t know,” he says softly, “I feel all the research of this stuff only applies for people who have one.”

You snort, “Right.”

“I mean you can never say never though,” he shakes his head, “Just because society has said before eighteen, that could be bullshit for all we know. You saw how in some of these articles, some names showed up in people’s early and mid-twenties too.”

“Yeah… and then what?”

“What do you mean?” He asks.

“It’s just seems so unfair that I can see Jungkook in my life after college and that could be taken away so easily. Or I could be taken away from him… it’s just so fucked don’t you think?” You don’t even realize how shaky your tone is, but Namjoon picks it up.

“Are you worried about that?”

Your mouth goes dry, “I like to think he’s the one for me,” you say after a few seconds of silence.

He bites his lip, unsure of what to say next, “Well maybe he is,” he offers trying to lighten your mood.

You look down at your hands, inspecting your wrist and fingers carefully. Your stomach churns at your next thought.

“And what if he isn’t?” You glance back to find his eyes staring holes into you.

“Then it wasn’t meant to be. I’d like to think the universe isn’t wrong.”

You nod slowly taking in his words. Sure you and Jungkook had been official for awhile now and you hoped that this feeling with him would never end. You liked to think the universe isn’t wrong either and maybe that’s why you and Jungkook found each other—cause it was meant to be.

Yours and Namjoon’s conversation stuck with you the rest of the evening. Jungkook had picked you up from the library in his black Mercedes around 8 PM. Even though it was a Wednesday, you and Jungkook had been staying at each other’s places more often than not. With your only roommate being away in Europe for study abroad, it was nice having him stay with you.

Jungkook noticed something was bothering you as he drove back to your place as you didn’t say much to him. You gripped his hand tightly in yours but the way your eyes didn’t meet his— it worried him. He became even more worried when you didn’t want to eat dinner after he had picked up your favorite takeout. It was his treat to you since he was unable to come to the library tonight.

“I’m just not that hungry,” you said pushing around the Chinese food with your chopsticks. You were both sat on your couch, your feet up in his lap watching some romantic-comedy TV show—Jungkook’s choosing—not yours.

“You’re always hungry,” he says poking at your leg to try to get a smile from you. Nothing. He furrows his eyebrows at you though you don’t even notice it as you’re looking away from him.

“What’s up babe?” Jungkook’s question takes you out of your thoughts. Were you that obvious?

“Hm?” You glance at him, trying to play your emotions off.

“You’re just being so… quiet?” He says softly, setting down his plate on the coffee table. He shifts his body to your frame, a hand holding up his head on the back of the couch.

“I don’t know,” you mumble, “Just have a lot on my mind.”

“Y/N you can tell me anything you know,” he rubs the back of your calves. The motion alone relaxes you significantly and you still don’t know how someone has this affect over you.

You pause, unsure if you should voice your worries to him. Would they cause problems between you two if you said what you were actually thinking? Was Namjoon right? “It’s just Namjoon and I were talking tonight and—“

“What did he say to you?” Jungkook quickly interrupts with a harsh tone. As much as Jungkook loved Namjoon like a brother—he was too brash and sometimes that lead to hurt feelings.

“It’s nothing he said it just got me thinking,” you shake your head aimlessly, looking behind Jungkook’s head at the wall.  He doesn’t say anything wanting you to continue. “Don’t you worry about the future?”

Jungkook purses his lips, thinking deeply about your question before answering honestly.

“Everyday,” he says, “But I like to live for now, in the present… why are you asking?”

“What are we supposed to do if we’re separated, huh?” The words tumble from your mouth, your tone not the sweetest. You tense up in Jungkook’s hands and he notices your demeanor quickly changing.

“Why are you saying that Y/N?” His voice is confused and heavy.

“Because I fucking love you Jungkook and I don’t want you taken away from me, that’s why,” you let out a deep breath, pushing yourself up and off the couch. Jungkook watches you as you stand up and walk towards the kitchen. You’re clearly distressed about something. Slowly, he rises to his feet sauntering over to your frame that’s staring down at the sink.

“Y/N,” his voice is low behind you. Your knuckles are nearly white from gripping the side of the counter so hard. You felt tears pricking in your eyes that you had to force away. Jungkook wraps his arms around your front and you lean back into his frame.

He rests his head on your shoulder, “Baby I get it, okay? I know it’s scary not knowing what the hell is wrong with people like us—“

“That’s the problem Jungkook,” you say, “There’s something wrong with us and it’s fucked up. How do we know that this, us, is okay?”

“Listen I know you don’t believe in destiny and all that stuff but,” he pauses nuzzling into your neck, “But I do and I feel like if this, us—isn’t meant to be, then what is?”

You lean your head on his before you reluctantly turn your body around, your hands sliding behind his torso.

“How are you so sure?” You mutter meeting his gaze. His eyes are worried for you but still deep down, they have a light and wonder you’ve never fully understood.

He gives you a tiny smile, brushing his nose against yours, “Because I love you, okay? Like I’ve never loved anyone more before, I promise you, we’ll be fine. You will be fine.”

The weight from your shoulders is lifted as Jungkook’s words reassure you. He had such a hopeless romantic complex about him, you were sure he knew everything right to say to make you feel better. He was right—the odds of you two being this late in the game and meeting can’t be coincidental. He was yours and you were his—that’s all that mattered.

“Are you good now?” He raises his eyebrows at you and you nod against his forehead, leaning forward to peck his lips.

“Much better,” you then say. Jungkook chases his mouth with yours again before pulling away after a brief kiss.

“Good because I had something important to ask you anyways,” he says giving you some space.

Your eyes bulge, a worried look instantly spreading on your features, “You’re not asking me to marry you, are you? After what we just—“

He shakes his head with a laugh, “No, not right now at least,” he continues to laugh and your heart lurches at the thought. “But I was gonna ask if you wanted to come to Busan with me, for Christmas?”

You are taken aback by his question, your mouth parting unsure of what to say.

“Like go home with you?” He nods at your question, “And meet your family?” He nods again.

“I know we haven’t been together that long but I’d figure I would offer,” he shrugs.

“Do your parents know about us?”

“I mentioned someone to them on the phone the other day.”

“Do they know the full situation?” you ponder. You two weren’t soulmates and meeting parents was a huge step.

“No,” he says, “But that doesn’t mean we can’t fake it,” a smirk spreads on his lips.

“Jungkook, I don’t know if that’s the best idea.”

“None of my ideas are the best ideas let’s be real,” he chuckles, “And I’m not saying you have to go, but if you want to the offer is there.”

You bite your lip as your eyes meet. The stove light was shining on his face so his small scar was prominent. It would be nice you suppose, meeting his brother who gave him that scar and his parents too. You had never met any of your significant other’s parents—Jungkook really must believe in you two then.

“I’ll think about it,” you smile up at him, squeezing your arms tightly around his frame. He nods before leaning down, kissing you once again gently. Your night ends with you finally eating your food and Jungkook in your bed making you feel better than anyone ever has. It was perfect.

WINTER

“And how, may I ask,” your professor’s voice is the first to ask a question when you are done speaking, “Did the three of you manage to maintain data regarding the intimacy of two people whose souls are not bound yet?”

Your eyes flicker over to Namjoon and Jungkook. You’re about to respond but Namjoon beats you to it.

“Professor Jung, we know it can seem like we made up part of our research but,” he pauses, “But we trust the individuals who relayed us this information in the past three months and out of respect for them… we ask for you not to probe too much.”

Your professor’s eyebrows raise at Namjoon’s comment. His eyes flicker between the three of you, unable to decipher Namjoon’s passive aggressiveness. You were thankful he decided to answer the question, because you’re sure that you would have been too nice about it. Why can’t this jackass just take the information you are presenting and shove it up his ass?  

“I see,” he breathes in deeply, “It just seems very hard for me to wrap my head around the argument that you’ve presented, when there’s so much research saying the opposite. The effects of intimacy is sacred for soul bonded people. Horrible illnesses and other things can happen to these people that go against nature.”

“It does seem that way professor,” you chime in, “But perhaps it’s time for new, more in-depth research to be done on this subject. These independent relationships may not work for everyone but in this case—it has.”

He chews on the end of his pen, “I agree wholeheartedly and though I still have my doubts about your research, I cannot deny the three of you have presented me with a topic that no one ever has before. The psychology behind soul-binding, sex, and relationships is amazing and endless… and isn’t the point of life to ask questions?” He seems to have lost somewhat focus on the three of you. What an idiot.  

“Exactly,” Jungkook nods sending you a quick wink. You chew on your bottom lip to avoid from grinning. “As they say, we learn something new everyday.”

“That you are correct Mr. Jeon,” he say points to your boyfriend. “Well, I think you three have presented a wonderful project and I look forward to reading your research paper for further depth. Expect a grade by the end of the week. Thank you, it was… mostly a pleasure having you in my class,” his eyes glance at you briefly and it takes all of you not to launch at him over his stupidly expensive desk.

“Thank you professor. Have a good winter break,” Namjoon smiles. The three of you leave the small conference room attached to his office. Thankfully, you did not have to present your project in front of the entire class.

You let out a groan of relief when the cold winter air welcomes you outside. “Thank god that’s over!” You smile up at the sky.

Jungkook throws an arm around your shoulder to pull you in close, “What grade do you think we’ll get hyung?” He smiles at Namjoon who is digging around for his phone.

“Hopefully an A. With the bullshit you were feeding him? I think he loved it, he was just being a hardass because of Y/N,” he motions to you.

You’re mouth falls open, “Hey! It’s not my fault he doesn’t like me! He’s a raging psychotic sexist,” you huff crossing your arms over you.

“Uh huh,” Namjoon hums, “First day straggler.”

You narrow your eyes at him before Jungkook nudges you, “C’mon I’m freezing, let’s go home,” he whines and you give him a small nod.  

“I’ll see you after break?” You ask the dimpled man in front of you.

He smiles, “Yeah for sure. But I gotta go—I have a plane to catch later tonight.”

“Where are you going?” This is even news to Jungkook.

“Oh, Kaya and I are going to Europe for two weeks, should be fun,” he looks down at his phone, “Oh shit, yeah I gotta go, Merry Christmas!” He waves at you two before running off in the opposite direction to the bus stop.

“Europe? I wanna go to Europe,” you pout looking up at Jungkook. He gives you a peck on the lips, your pout irrespective.

“We’ll go one day. It’s fun,” he says as you two begin to walk towards the student parking lot.

“You’ve been?”

“A few countries there, yeah,” he nods intertwining your fingers. Jeez, the amount of things and places Jungkook has been in his 22 years made your life look boring as hell. “Like I said, we’ll go—I promise,” is the last thing he says before you two get into his car.

The car ride is mostly a comfortable silence on the way to your place. His hand rests on your thigh, holding you tighter whenever he takes a turn.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Jungkook asks suddenly getting your attention.

“It’s not that I don’t want to Jungkook,” you say, “It’s just Taehyung said he was going to be here by himself all break and when he asked, I felt bad.”

He pouts giving you a glance, “I know but I’ll be lonelyyy,” he drags out.

“You have your whole family babe,” you laugh at his childish demeanor.

“Yeah but I’m not exactly into cuddling my brother when I go to sleep,” he mutters and you swat his arm. “And you’re telling me I have to go two weeks without having sex?!”

“Jungkook,” you roll your eyes with a laugh, “You’re starting to sound like Professor Jung with your concerns about sex.”

“Duh,” he says, “Why do you think I liked him so much?”

“I hate you,” you deadpan and you gives you a shit-eating grin.

“I love you too.”

.

The next couple days Jungkook stays at your place completely, not wanting to leave your side before he has to go to Busan for two weeks. He was very disappointed that you didn’t want to go to Busan with him, but he knew Taehyung was your best friend and you were bound to do anything for him.

“I can’t believe you’re trusting me with your car,” you say pulling into the train station parking garage. His Mercedes was a low-ground sports car, complete with a V8 engine and custom leather seats. You were still blown away that Jungkook had this car in college. You assumed that his parents must have money because you didn’t know how else to explain it.

Jungkook was nervous watching you drive his baby. When you would press on the gas or the breaks a little too hard he could felt his heart stop for a second.

“Yeah just please be careful,” he pleads as you park perfectly. You put his car in park and turn to him.

“Don’t you trust me?” You blink your lashes at him. He smirks adjusting the beanie on his head.

“I do,” he says, “Mostly.”

“Let’s make a deal Jeon,” you suggest as you help him unload his bags from the trunk. Jungkook was like a woman bringing two full suitcases and a duffle bag with him for a two week trip.

“Shoot babe,” he says.

“If nothing happens to your car in these two weeks—which it won’t—you can treat me for being a good girl,” you smirk up at him and he visibly gulps, rolling his tongue in his cheek. He thought your morning sex would have been enough but he wonder’s if he should take you into a bathroom at the train station and fuck your brains out again before he leaves.

“Deal,” he manages to choke out, going against his previous thought. Goddamn he was so in love with you he wasn’t sure he could make it without you for two weeks. In the five months you have known each other this was going to be longest time spent apart.

As you approach the ticket counter for Jungkook to check in, you start to feel a sadness settling in your heart and stomach. You felt like you were being dramatic about not seeing Jungkook for two weeks but he had become such an important role in your happiness—it was going to be weird not seeing him everyday. He truly was your other half.

“Alright I gotta head to my platform,” Jungkook says giving you a weak smile. “Thanks for driving me here.”

You try your best to muster up a smile, “No problem.”

He quickly pulls you in for a hug, encasing your frame around his tightly. You inhale his scent deeply so you won’t forget it in the next couple weeks.

“Don’t miss me too much,” he mumbles into your ear.

You pull your head out of his chest, “As long as you don’t miss me too much.”

God you two were disgusting.

He smiles leaning down a for kiss, you close the gap between you two. You only kiss for a moment not wanting to catch any unwanted attention.

“I love you,” you smile at him.

“I love you too,” he says, suddenly reaching into the deep pocket of his large sweatshirt. “Here,” he hands over a tiny box wrapped in Christmas paper and an envelope taped to the bottom of it.

“Jungkook,” you look at him and then the present, “We said we weren’t going to give each other presents.”

“I know but I couldn’t resist. I just thought of you when I saw it.”

“Thank you,” your heart flutters and you give him one last peck before he has to leave.  

“Merry Christmas,” he says, “I’ll let you know when I arrive.”

“Merry Christmas Jungkook.”

A brief walk back to Jungkook’s car has your heart in shambles. As you watched him leave for his platform, you couldn’t help but think you should have went with him. Taehyung would have understood—but that also meant meeting his parents and you weren’t sure that was a good idea just yet.

You settled into the driver seat of his car, carefully tearing the wrapping from the small box. Your eyes widen when you open it, a baby teal box revealing a beautiful ring on the inside. A gold band shines in the light, a small circular diamond in the middle shines even brighter.

“Holy shit,” you breathe out, quickly ripping open the envelope that he also gave you. It contained a cheesy Christmas card, his handwriting scribbling—

Merry Christmas Y/N. You’ve changed my life in more ways than one. I’m just one call away and I’ll always be here for you.

Cheesy I know—but you know cheesy is my middle name.

I love you.

Jungkook

.

“Jesus Christ Y/N!” Taehyung exclaims when you show him your new accessory on your hand. “This must have been thousands of dollars,” he grabs your hand to inspect the jewelry. “Tiffany too? What kind of money is Jungkook’s parent’s shitting out for him to give you this?”

“Hey now, he does well with his photography,” you pinch in, noting that he began selling pieces after much consideration.

“I know I know but damn,” he moves your hand around to see the light catching in the diamond. “When did he give you this?”

“The other day when I dropped him off at the train station.”

“Wow… I think you’ve won in the boyfriend category Y/N,” his eyes still haven’t left your finger and you know it’s the alcohol in his system that is keeping him mesmerized.

“It’s not a competition dumbass,” you spew at him.

“What did you get him? An amazing blowjob topped with a new lens for his cameras?”

You laugh at Taehyung’s words, “I’m more mad at the fact the he even bought it, we said we weren’t going to give each other gifts.”

“Well shit Y/N he basically proposed to you—that’s not a gift, is it?” His glassy, wine drunk eyes look at you curiously.

You pull your hand away from him, laying back down against your couch.

“Tae,” you mutter, feeling slightly tipsy yourself, “Do you think Jungkook and I will last?”

Taehyung leans back beside you, exhaling a deep breathe heavily. He doesn’t say anything for a few moments. The silence isn’t uncomfortable but it makes you nervous.

“Yeah,” he says, his eyes looking straight ahead, his tone real and understanding. Taehyung couldn’t voice it—no matter how much he wanted to over the months of you relationship with Jungkook—but he knew what you were going through in more ways than one.

“Really?” You look at him, nuzzling your head into his outstretched arm. He looks down at you before nodding.

“If you two want it to work… it will,” his voice deep and serious.

“How do you know that though?” You mutter, your tone down and pessimistic.

He breathes in deeply, “I just do… I know you two love each other. Anyone can see it Y/N. Don’t doubt anything unless you’ve been given a reason to doubt.”

Taehyung was always more philosophical when he was drinking and this proves that even more.

“Trust me,” his deep voice adds when you don’t say anything immediately .

“What would I do without you?” You finally muster looking up at him.

He smirks, “Lose your mind, that’s what.”

“Give me more credit than that asshole,” you push against his torso.

He laughs before responds with, “Hell no.”

“Well, should we open up our presents?” You give him a small smile glancing at the gifts that were lazily strewn on the floor. Your miniature Christmas tree was slightly pathetic—but it was better than nothing you suppose.

“Sure, but don’t expect another item from Tiffany alright?” He muses as he stands up to grab his gifts for you.

“Fuck off,” you laugh reaching your hands out as he places a bag and a box wrapped in front of you. You were sure Jimin wrapped these given how perfect they were.

“You first,” he gives you a warm smile. You dig into the bag first as it is less to unwrap. Your mouth drops open when you pull out a box of condoms, Taehyung stifling a laugh behind his smile.

“Taehyung are you kidding me?” You’re trying hard not to laugh either. He fucking would.

“Ultra thin… thought they would come in handy since, you know, you two fuck like bunnies,” he sends over a wink and you’re quick to flip him off. You open his next present which happens to be a coat you’ve been eyeing for the past few weeks, but hesitant to buy due to the $300 price tag.

“Tae, you didn’t have to get me this,” you marvel at the thick material, the baby blue color just the one you wanted. “This is too expensive—“

“Babe it’s fine,” he shakes his head, “I know you need some help with our wardrobe so I’m only offering my services,” he says matter of factly.

You move the box away from you and throw your arms around his neck. He hugs you tightly and in this moment you realize how happy your are. You perhaps have the best boyfriend and best friend of anyone you know. You didn’t think anything would change that.

“Here,” you pass Taehyung over your present and he quickly rips the paper off. He looks like a little kid on Christmas morning and you decide to pour more wine as he fidgets with the box.

“Shit Y/N!” He smiles widely, “Holy shit you didn’t have to get me this,” he takes his gift out of the box. He smiles widely at the leather bag you got him. Not a cheap price tag either—but it was Taehyung’s favorite bag and his old one was not cutting it anymore.

“It’s fine,” you shake your head, gulping down your white wine quickly. You two were quite drunk at this point.

“Jeez,” he shakes his head pulling you into another bone crushing hug, “Fuck Jimin and Jungkook. Let’s just get married, you and me kid.”

You laugh at his words, “Trust me, if you were straight I would take you up on that.”

The rest of your evening is spent with watching “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” more wine, and endless laughter with your best friend.

.

It’s about 5 AM when you wake up in your bed with a busting headache and a stomach ache that has you doubled over on your toilet. Fuck, did you really drink that much? Your question is answered when everything in your stomach is coming up through your esophagus. You don’t know how long you sit on your knees, hands on the toilet throwing up your guts.

“Y/N?” Taehyung appears at your bathroom door rubbing his eyes, “Whoa, are you okay?” He quickly comes down behind you, holding your hair back and away from your face.

Finally after what seems like forever, you stop throwing up, resting your head on the porcelain.

“Yeah,” you groan, your throat raw and sore, “I guess I just drank too much.”

“Shit, do you need anything?” He asks, voice laced with concern.

“Just some water please,” you tell him and he leaves to quickly get you a glass. “Fuck,” you mutter to yourself. You’re not sure the last time you were this hungover was. You knew you needed water and sleep—maybe that would alleviate the pain in your head and stomach.

You get back into bed a few moments later with Taehyung laying down beside you. He gives you your space and before you know it, both of you fall back to sleep.

You wake up again around 10 AM, your headache still busting but your stomach more settled now. You’re sipping tea watching another Christmas movie with Taehyung when your phone rings. A smile stretches on your face when you see Jungkook’s name pop up.

“Hey,” you answer the phone, sitting up from your position on the couch.

“Hey babe,” his voice brings comfort to your ears, “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” you say, “Did you have a good morning?”

Jungkook hesitates over the line before speaks again, “Uh, yeah… what about you?”

You furrow your eyebrows at his tone. He sounds… distant and unconfident with his words.

“I mean I’ve been better,” you laugh, watching Taehyung glance at you quickly.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Well I’m just really hungover, Taehyung really did a number on me with the wine last night,” you laugh again trying to ease whatever tension Jungkook is holding through the phone.

He chuckles nervously for a moment over the phone, “Well drink some water and rest okay?”

“I know, I’m gonna take it easy for the rest of the day,” you look at your nails that desperately need to be manicured.

“Yeah good,” is all he says and you purse your lips. Normally Jungkook is so talkative over the phone—what’s up with him?

“Babe are you okay?” You ask him with genuine concern. You would hate for him to be going through something and him not tell you. Taehyung gives you a weird look and you shrug your shoulders.

“Yeah,” he clears his throat, “I’m just tired from all the Christmas hoopla I’ve had to do the past few days,” he says seeming to explain his demeanor, “But I’m gonna call you later okay? I’ve got a Christmas brunch to get ready for but I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

You smile at his words, “Alright, have fun. I’ll talk to you later. Hurry home. I love you.”

“I’ll try I promise,” you can sense a small smile in his voice, “I love you too.” So much.

You stay sick for the next three days. Your body aches, your head hurts, and you’re still throwing up occasionally therefore you’ve barely had anything to eat the past three days. You and Taehyung are afraid you’ve picked up a small flu from someone. Despite this, Taehyung stays with you, not wanting to leave you alone sick like this.

Jimin gets back from home a couple days after you’ve fallen ill. Jimin being a medical guy himself, is unsure of what or who could have gotten you sick.

“As long as you don’t get and maintain a fever, I think you should be fine,” he says watching your frame on your couch. You had not felt this sick in so long and of course it had to be right before Jungkook got back home too.

“Should Jungkook come around her? He gets back when, tomorrow?” Taehyung asks you.

You nod, “Yeah, tomorrow evening,” you manage to say through your sore throat that feels like it’s actually on fire.

“I don’t think you’re contagious otherwise he would be sick too,” he motions to Taehyung, “He should be fine,” his voice is low and steady. His eyes don’t leave your frame though you’re too tired to notice Jimin’s intense stare.

You push yourself off of the couch, wanting to get some sleep in your bed. “I’m gonna take a nap, you guys don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to.”

Taehyung and Jimin exchange a glance before nodding, “We can get some food and bring some back for you later?”

“That would be great Tae,” you smile at him, “Thanks guys.”

Jimin and Taehyung leave your apartment, locking the door behind them with Taehyung’s spare key.

“Do you think she’s really okay? I’ve never seen her like this,” Taehyung mumbles to Jimin as he pulls up directions to the nearest ramen restaurant near them.

Jimin’s throat goes dry and he hesitates, biting his lip, “Honestly, I think we’ll just have to see.”

Jimin’s words are uneasy in Taehyung’s mind—both of them equally worried for you.

. You are jumping out of the shower when you get a text from Jungkook.

[Jungkook ♥ 6:58 PM] I’m about an hour away. Can’t wait to see you.

You smile at his text, heart fluttering at the thought of seeing him again. Today you woke up feeling a lot better—still not 100%—but you could actually stomach food today. Despite your illness, you didn’t really care at this point. You could wait to see Jungkook—you missed him so much more than you thought you would have.

[You 7:00 PM] Perfect. I’ll see you soon ♥

[Jungkook ♥ 7:02 PM] ♥

The train station is more crowded than it was went you sent Jungkook off. The masses of being returning from their holiday was immense and you were afriad you weren’t going to be able to find Jungkook through the masses.

Little to your knowledge, Jungkook had spotted you after he exited his platform—a beautiful baby blue coat hanging off of your frame—signaling where you stood. After not seeing your face for two weeks, he smiled to himself. You were so fucking beautiful to him and he loved you so much—it only made his heart hurt even more.

He hesitates walking towards your back that’s facing him. He takes in a deep breath before he wraps his arms around your front. You jump in his arms and turn around with the smile that makes his day. Today—it only breaks him even further.

“Jungkook,” you turn around and hug him tightly. Finally—he was home. He doesn’t say anything as he returns your hug, kissing you on the top of the head. He glances down at his arms, pulling his jacket sleeve down, making sure his watch wasn’t going anywhere.

After all, he was desperate to hide the name that was inked on his wrist that wasn’t yours.

.

JUNGKOOK

Christmas Eve—Busan

Jungkook’s tie is too tight around his neck. He swore to his mother that it was fine but her being as stubborn as she was, made sure to secure it so that not even she could move it. He pulls at his collar and his older brother, Junghyun laughs at him.

“You look like a little kid, pulling and tugging at that you know,” Junghyun eyes Jungkook and he rolls his eyes.

“It’s suffocating hyung—I’m not drunk enough for this bullshit,” Jungkook responds with a laugh.

It was their annual Christmas Eve party held by their father’s company and it was just as stuffy and rich as Jungkook remembers. Jungkook and his brother didn’t speak much about their wealth. They had both grown up with more money, toys, clothes, shoes, and vacations that they ever needed. They never once complained as they both know how incredibly lucky they were to have already lived 5 lives before turning 30. They did however, understand how tiring this lifestyle was.

Perhaps it is why neither Jungkook or Junghyun pursued business as a major—neither one wanted to have this much to handle on their plate. Thankfully, despite most of the people that associated with the Jeon family—their mother and father were humble and respected their sons’ decisions to make their own path. If it were up to their mother though, should would have her sons closer to Busan than so far away.

“Well, the night is still young,” his brother speaks again, handing Jungkook a glass of champagne.

“There you two are,” Yeri—Junghyun’s soulmate and partner appears from what seems to be out of thin air. “Hi my love,” she smiles up at Junghyun as he pulls her closer to his hip. “Jungkook, how are you?”  

“Pretty good, my tie is too tight,” he pouts.  

Yeri observes Jungkook, “I think it looks good?” She looks back up at his brother and he nods in agreement.

“I know, he’s just a baby,”  he remarks and Jungkook rolls his eyes.  

“Anyways, your mother is looking for you two—we’re about to eat dinner,” she informs and both of the brother’s nod.  

Jungkook follows closely behind them, weaving in and out of people to get to their designated table. Jungkook only recognizes a handful of people he passes even though they know exactly who he is. They find their table, their parents already seated and ready for dinner.

Jungkook smiles when he sees his mother, bending down to hug her.

“Hello Jungkook, Junghyun,” she greets her sons, “Yeri, please sit!”

He takes a seat right of his mom, Junghyun and Yeri to his left. His father is busy speaking with a business partner at the table to pay much attention to them. Jungkook grew up used to that though—his father always overworking himself, barely getting home before they had to go to bed. Despite this, he was still a great father in Jungkook’s eyes, providing and making them laugh every chance he got.

“What’s for dinner, Mrs. Jeon?” Yeri asks. Jungkook’s mother loved Yeri the moment she set her eyes on her all those years ago and nothing has changed.

“Oh, we’re having a little bit of everything—bulgogi, samgyeopsal, jajangmyeon, kimchi. I hope it’s good, we had to get a new caterer this year,” a sudden worry falls over he face but she quickly brushes it away.

“Perfect, I’m starved,” Jungkook mumbles, once again, mindlessly tugging at his collar. Jungkook’s mom swats his hand away.

“Quit it, you’re fine,” she scolds him and he settles in his seat, picking up his newly poured glass of red wine. It was true—he was starved and if he didn’t get food in his system quickly, he would probably become tipsy from a singular glass of champagne and wine.

The food arrives at each table in an orderly fashion as everyone finally takes their seats. A few words of thanks are spoken before everyone digs in, placing various meats on the grills in front of them. Commotion and chatter quickly fill the large hall. Jungkook is busy stuffing his mouth with noodles when suddenly his name is spoken across the table.

“Jungkook,” his father addresses him. He swallows his food quickly before raising an eyebrow in response. “You remember Mr. Kim, Seokjin’s father?”

The mention of Seokjin brings a wash of memories over Jungkook’s brain. He was an older kid that him and Junghyun used to play around with growing up.

“Yes, of course,” Jungkook slightly smiles to the elder.

“I can’t believe you’re almost done with university,” Mr. Kim compliments Jungkook, “What are you majoring in again?”

“Sports medicine,” Jungkook says feeling slightly intimidated by his stare. Suddenly Mr. Kim’s eyes glance down to Jungkook’s hand and he suddenly feels self conscious about his the ink colored on his fingers. He quickly retracts his hand under the table before he speaks again.

“Well that’s really good to hear,” he smiles warmly again, “Are you planning on furthering your education past undergrad?”

“Yes sir,” he nods, “I plan to pursue a sports physician or therapist within the next few years.”

He looks over at Jungkook’s father, “I don’t think your sons could be any more opposite than you and I,” he laughs and Jungkook’s father nods with a small smile.

“As long as they’re happy, that’s all that matters,” his father says. Jungkook glances at Junghyun, hoping he was paying some attention to the conversation so Jungkook could continue eating. He wasn’t.

“Yes I see,” Mr. Kim nods, “They will do good for themselves and their partners, I’m sure of it.”

The mention of the word partner gets Jungkook’s mother’s attention.

“Oh yes, Junghyun and Yeri have recently leased a house in Seoul,” she smiles proudly at her eldest. It was true—Junghyun was a practicing lawyer and Yeri was a court reporter so they were doing pretty well off even though they haven’t reached 30 yet.

“If only they could hurry up and get married,” she then adds with a laugh. Junghyun looks over and he grimaces, though no ill intent by the stare.

“Mom, we’ve told you. We’re settling our house and finances for another year or so, then we are,” he responds swiftly.

“Well, then it seems like Jungkook is due next,” Mr. Kim adds into the mix. Suddenly, Jungkook tenses up and his face falls. Oh how he wish you were here right now so he wasn’t alone in this.

“Well Jungkook does have a partner, right?” His mom looks over at him. Jungkook had mentioned you to his mom and dad but that was it—so this is news for Junghyun and Yeri who were carefully listening to his words. Jungkook was 22 after all—the clock was ticking.

“Yes mom,” he nods, “I invited her to Busan with me for the holidays but she decided to stay back home,” he explains.

“Ah, that’s too bad, we would have loved to meet her,” Mr. Kim says, “Next time though?’

Jungkook nods, a small smile present, “Next time.”

The conversation thankfully dies after that. As much as Jungkook wanted to talk about you—he was so hesitant for well, obvious reasons. His mom had the most questions about you and he answered all of them to her liking. She seemed to think their souls were bonded and wasn’t that the point he was trying to make? He wanted his mom to love you like he did and he was confident she would by the way her eyes lit up when he spoke about you.

“She seems lovely Jungkook,” she says, “And you just met her this year? After all this time?”

After all this time—yeah right. ���Yeah, we had a class together.”

“Well I for one cannot wait to meet her,” she smiles taking a sip of her wine, “You should invite her again when you two graduate, you know we have to have a party to celebrate.”

Jungkook’s mouth goes dry but he nods quickly, just wanting to focus on the dessert that was being place in front of him.

“She would love that,” is all he says before he digs into his cheesecake. After a few glasses of wine, Jungkook had felt himself become a little tipsy and he knew he needed to slow down if he wanted to enjoy Christmas morning.

After he finishes his sweet treat, he excuses himself to get some water. As much as he hates these kinds of things, he wishes he had his camera to capture some memories—even though it was his first Christmas with you despite being separated by hundreds of kilometers.

He reaches the beverage table, quickly asking for a glass of water when suddenly he feels a tap on his shoulder.

“Excuse me?” A girls voice asks, “Would you mind getting me a glass of Chardonnay?”

He glances at the girl before nodding, asking for a glass to hand to her. The server hands Jungkook a wine glass and he turns around to see the girl for the first time. He’s slightly taken aback from her beauty. She’s got warm brown hair that flows down her chest, welcoming eyes, and a smile that he swears sparkled in the light.

“Thank you,” her eyes met his and he feels his chest tightening the longer he looks at her. As much as he wants to look away—he physically is unable. She seems to feel the same because he doesn’t know how much time has passed of them staring at each other before someone calls out to her.

She glances to her right, raising her glass as another thanks before walking away from Jungkook. His eyes follow her as her back turns to him. She’s wearing a simple purple dress with sleeves and heels that make her legs look long and lean.

He shakes his head out of his trance-like state, what the fuck? He takes another gulp of his water—it has to be alcohol getting to him. He’s about to head back to his parent’s table when he suddenly feels an itching on the inside of his left wrist. He scratches his skin harshly and he winces when it’s more painful than a normal scratch.

He glances down at his sleeve, pulling the material back to see what was so painful. He does a double take when he moves his watch, noticing harsh red lines forming on skin. The fuck, he thinks to himself. Jungkook makes the decision to excuse himself to the men’s room to cool the burning off with some water.

Thankfully he’s the only person occupying the room and he quickly turns on the water, running his skin underneath it. The burning subsides after a few moments and as he’s reaching for a towel to dry himself, he drops it to the floor before he can even use it.

While the red marks have gone away, a thin black line has replaced them.

Rose.

He blinks heavily, shaking his head. Is he really that drunk? He takes his nail to scratch at the black and when it doesn’t move, his mouth parts and the tie around his neck feels even more constricting.

“No,” he whispers to himself.

Rose.

It’s still there.

“No, no, no,” he mumbles, “Fuck,” his breathing picks up heavily and he looks at himself in the mirror. His face is pale and his eyes are blown out. Fuck.

Rose.

He moves his watch back over the marking and runs a hand through his hair, pulling on the ends harder than he should. He almost feels tears threatening to fall when he realizes what’s happening. This has to be a sick joke? The universe cannot be doing this—not right now—not after all this fucking time?

As much as his mind is racing, drunk and confusion do not make a good combination, he sees one thing for sure in the back of his brain. You. As this thought, his stomach churns deeply and before he realizes it—he’s spitting up some of his food and alcohol into the toilet.

“Fuck,” he says again wiping the perspiration away from his clammy hands onto his pants. He takes in a deep breath, freshening himself up before he leaves the bathroom with the mission to find one person and one person only.

Once he comes back into the main room, his eyes glance around quickly for a head of silky brown hair and a purple dress. His head looks around rapidly and anyone who saw him probably thought that he looked crazy. He spots Junghyun and Yeri getting another drink at the bar and he swiftly walks over towards them.

“Hyung,” Jungkook speaks quickly, shaking his brother’s shoulder.

“Huh? Jungkook, you okay?” His brother notices how ill Jungkook looks. Face pale, hair messily pushed around, uneasiness in his large eyes.

“Have you seen a girl,” he pauses trying to slow down, “Purple dress, kind of ashy brown hair to here,” he demonstrates the length with his hands. Junghyun looks at Jungkook like he’s crazy. Hell, maybe Jungkook is going crazy.

Junghyun shakes his head, “No I haven’t. What’s up?”

“I may have seen a purple dress going that way,” Yeri points her finger towards the other side of the large room. “Jungkook are you sure you’re okay?”

He doesn’t even give them one more glance before he thanks Yeri quickly, turning on his heels to head that direction. He nearly trips on his feet trying to get across the masses of people congregating. The ballroom has a couple hallways that lead off into other rooms and he decides his luck, checking in and out of the rooms. He’s coming up empty until he stops dead in his tracks, a back clad in purple facing him, talking to another man with blonde hair.

Suddenly, the blonde looks at Jungkook from over her shoulder and she follows. Her eyes meet Jungkook’s and he fills his breath hitching, his stomaching rolling once again.

“Hello?” The blonde asks curiously.

“Hi,” Jungkook steps forward. His hands are buried deep in his dress pants so they can’t see the way they shake with every breath.

“Yoongi, will you get me another drink please?” The girl speaks looking back at the man. He nods, settling not to say anything else as he brushes past Jungkook.

The girl stands awkwardly, her finger rimming an empty wine glass slowly. Jungkook can barely look at her but something is compelling him to. He can’t take his eyes off of her—she’s beautiful. He slowly walks towards her with some hesitation. She finally meets his eyes again and she visibly breathes in deep through her nose, her chest rising.

“Hi,” Jungkook says again.

“Hi,” she says with a low tone. She bites her lip nervously and she suddenly looks around the room—anywhere but him. “This place is really beautiful isn’t it?”

Jungkook follows her lead, eyes glancing around the room too, “Yeah, it is.”

“Your parents know how to put on a party,” she muses with a small laugh. Goddamn, he thinks, she is so beautiful. So, she knows exactly who he is.

“This is nothing compared to some other years,” he gently smiles when her lips turn up, her cheeks getting bigger with her own smile.

A silence falls between the two of them. She sways in her heels trying to relieve the pain in the balls of her feet.

“It’s you isn’t it,” Jungkook speaks first. She looks up at him, still saying silent. “You’re Rose?”

She dips her head, some of her hair falling in her face. She nods slowly, “I can’t believe you’re here,” she whispers and she almost sounds sad, perhaps broken? “After all this time,” she adds.

She looks at Jungkook like he’s her whole universe. Oh how he wishes he could say the same thing about her—it’s what this beautiful girl deserves. She deserves someone whose heart beats for them and them only. That wasn’t Jungkook—he had you and god how much he wanted to spend his life with you only.

“When did you find out?” He asks keeping his voice low and steady so his nervousness won’t show through.

“When I was fourteen,” she says. His heart sinks even further for this girl. His name had been engraved upon her skin for 8 years.

He doesn’t say anything else, opting to look down at his feet. The tension is there—the tension the universe gives soul bonded people. He feels his tie suffocating him again and he reaches up to loosen it again, to no relief though.

Suddenly, Rose steps forward, grabbing Jungkook’s hand to move it away from his collar.

“Let me help,” she says and he swears his heart stops beating when her delicate fingers touch his. Rose manages to undo his impossibly tight neck tie from his mother, retying it just as fast, but a lot more comfortable for him and his neck. Suddenly, Jungkook is glad you were unable to come to Busan with him.

“Thanks,” he laughs, “It’s been suffocating me all night.”

“I could tell,” she returns a chuckle, her palms resting on his chest. She’s just as nervous as he is—he can see the way she breathes unevenly being this close to her.

“I’m Jungkook,” he says.

“Rose.”  

.

“Did you have a good Christmas?” You ask Jungkook as you step into his apartment. If possible, Jungkook came back with thrice as much stuff as he left with and you wanted to help him unpack.  

“Pretty good,” he says simply, “I think my parents were disappointed you weren’t there,” he chuckles lightly. Jungkook’s roommates were still back home, not coming back until the new year, so you were going to stay with him to keep him company.

“Well, one day I’ll meet them,” your eyes search for his and he seems somewhat off. He hasn’t said much since you’ve picked him up from the train station. His eyes have looked a little lost, unsure of where to look.

“Yeah,” he shrugs off his coat and begins to unzip one of his 3 suitcases. You unzip a second, noticing how different his clothes smell.

“I see your mom did your laundry?” You quirk an eyebrow at him. He glances at you briefly, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Of course, what kind of son would I be if I didn’t bring all my laundry for my mom to do?”

Small conversation is said between the two of you as you unpack, fold, and hang up his clothes. You can’t help but notice the luxury men’s wear tags in the pants and shirts you hang up.

“What do your parents do Jungkook?” Your thumb brushes over the thick material of a new coat he received as a gift.

He’s hesitant to speak but he decides to tell you anyways, “My dad is president of a large company back in Busan. You know my mom is an artist,” he says and you recall the days he’s spoke highly of his creative mother.

Ah, you think, now you understand where the wealth comes from.

“I don’t like telling people because I don’t want people to think I’m some spoiled snob,” he laughs at the thought.

“Babe, you’re the farthest thing from that. You know work hard for things you want, what does it matter what anyone else thinks,” you hang the last piece of clothing from his suitcase up and he watches you intently.

He leans against his desk, arms crossed as he watches you carefully.

“Wanna see something I got,” he says clearing his throat as you look him in the eyes. His eyes quickly look away from yours, unable to face you fully just yet. You nod when you notice his eyes light up as he rummages through his duffle bag to pull out a new camera.

“Holy shit,” you admire the piece of technology as he holds it carefully in his hands. “Who got you this?”

“My brother if you could believe it,” he sounds like he doesn’t even believe his brother was capable of gifting him such a nice present.

“Damn,” you mutter, “Have you used it yet?”

He nods, “I played around with it at the beach before I left,” he says looking at your subtle smile. “Here, lemme take a picture of you,” he smiles a little wider.

“What? Jungkook I look disgusting,” you step away from him. Your hair is thrown up on your head, no makeup, and an oversized ratted turtleneck covers your frame.

“Baby come on you’re beautiful,” he pouts while adjusting the lens and other settings. “Please I wanna remember this.”

You furrow your eyebrows at him, “Remember what? The remnants of my illness that’s made me look crusty for days now?”

He laughs at you, “Sure, whatever you wanna call it,” he holds up his camera to see the lighting on you. “Sit down and scoot back,” he commands to you. You do as he says, sitting on his bed and scooting so your back is hilt against the wall.

“Here?”

He nods, “Mhm,” he focuses on adjusting the last of what he needs to before he says, “Smile babe, you’re on camera.”

You give him a glare before your features soften, giving him a small smile as you look directly into the lens. Your eyes meet Jungkook’s through the lens and he feels his chest tighten. He hated this—he was so in love with you he couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. You were his present and future—he didn’t want anyone else. How could the universe break him like this?

He snaps a couple photos before looking at them in the small frame. A small smile lets loose on his lips as his heart palpitates for you. He feels your eyes watching him closely and you’re unsure why—despite his smile—he seems so sad and so unsure.

Whatever is bothering him, you could only hope that he would open up to you soon and not suppress his feelings.

Jungkook’s only hope right now is cherishing these moments with you because as he has come to learn in the past few days—nothing good ever lasts.

.

Your phone was buzzing and buzzing annoying you to your core as you tried your best to shove your dangly earrings in your ears. You look down at the caller ID and you roll your eyes with a groan.

“Fuck Taehyung we’re coming!” You half yell at your phone that was still buzzing on your desk. Hearing ruckus in your room, Jungkook peeps in.

“You good babe?” He asks taking notice of how your room is practically flipped upside down. Clothes and jewelry are sprung around and the dress you have decided to wear isn’t even zipped yet, your lower back fully exposed to him.

“Yes,” you say finally slipping the plastic backs on your earrings. You look over your shoulder at Jungkook, heat rushing to your face when you realize how good he looks tonight. “Will you zip me up?”

He nods taking a step towards you, his fingertips cold against your skin. He slowly zips the beaded material up your back slowly not wanting to catch any strings. When he’s done, he wraps his arms around your front pulling you close to him.

“You look beautiful,” he smiles into your neck and you keen into his arms, your feet already blistering in your heels.

“You look sexy,” you muse with a giggle. He turns your body around to flush against his front and he quickly leans down to capture your lips. He’s slow and gentle, wanting you to know how much he cherishes you. He’s careful not to put a hand in your hair knowing how frustrated you were trying to fix it right, so he cradles your neck in one of his hands as you lean into him deeper.

You jump slightly in his arms when your phone starts buzzing again. Jungkook steps away from you and you groan loudly again.

“Remind me to kill him when we get in the car,” you punctuate as you grab your bag and the baby blue coat Taehyung gave you.

“Will do,” Jungkook gives you a wink before grasping your hand into his tightly.

New Years Eve was always a fun time in your friend group, especially at your age. Ever since you started university, you and Taehyung had made it tradition to go to one of the fancier bars in your area for the special occasion. Only having to pay an upfront free—it meant an open bar, free music, and a damn good time.

“Goddamn Y/N,” Taehyung says as you’re waiting in line to get in the bar.

“What? Is there something on my face? My teeth?” You panic looking at your best friend.

“No,” he pauses looking at your date up and down, “You really lucked out didn’t you.”

Jungkook suddenly laughs as his comment and you swat Taehyung’s head.

“Hey back off buddy,” you say wrapping your arms around Jungkook’s torso, “He’s mine asshole.”

“And you’re mine,” Jimin eyes Taehyung playfully. Taehyung had already drank half a bottle of champagne in the car ride from your apartment so he was definitely feeling frisky. It was absolutely freezing outside tonight and Jungkook made sure to keep his arms around you as you waited and waited outside.

“What’s going to be your drink of choice tonight Kook?” You look up at your boyfriend who looks so unbelievable handsome you could cry.

“Hmm, I’m thinking whatever will get me very drunk. Perhaps whiskey?”

Your face contorts at the mention of the dark liquor. Too many bad memories with that one.

“Lemme guess,” Jimin says, “You’re going to down about five green tea shots and then switch over to vodka soda with a splash of cranberry juice.”

Your eyes widen, slightly perturbed, “Am I that basic of a bitch?”

Jimin nods once, “Babe I’m a bartender, we can see girls like you coming from a mile away.”

“Ugh, fine you got me. But maybe instead of vodka soda I’ll just do a flat.” Truth is, you hadn’t drank since your sick spell over Christmas and you were more than ready to get drunk.

A few more minutes and you’re in the crowded bar. You stay close to Jungkook, his hand secured around yours as you make your way to the bar. As expected, you order green tea shots and Jungkook lives up to his previous statement—ordering a whiskey sour to start his night.

You’ve never seen this many people here before. It’s loud, hot, and crowded but it’s everything you could want for New Years Eve. Besides, what’s the fun in going out if it’s not going to be a little chaotic?

After a few drinks, Jungkook finds himself relaxing as he dances close to you. He’s happy right here and right now, but he can’t fully let go—his mind occupied of another woman. He hates himself for doing this, but what is he supposed to do? He’s careful around his arms, making sure his watch stays put and he sleeve doesn’t venture too far up just in case.

Your smile is wide and you feel like you’re on cloud nine. Sure, it was scary now that you were starting your last semester of college in a week but since you had Jungkook—you felt more secure in whatever life decides to throw at you than ever.

“I love you,” you say to Jungkook. It’s simple but you could tell him every minute of everyday and not get tired of it.  

“I love you more,” he says. He’s honest and he only hopes you can’t see the deep sadness in his eyes. He kisses the tip of your nose and you scrunch it up at the feeling. “Do you want another drink?” He asks.

You nod, “Yes please.”

“Vodka cran?”  

You nod once again, “I’ll be with Taehyung over there.”

Jungkook leaves you behind, walking back towards the bar. If he really was going to try to forget his worries—he was going to need something stronger.

“Two shots of whiskey please,” he says. He’ll get your drink when he’s finished so the ice won’t water it down.

“I didn’t take you for a whiskey guy,” a voice comes from his left and when he looks, he feels his whole world stopping.

“R-Rose?” He blinks, making sure he’s seeing correctly.

“I thought it was you over here,” she smiles asking the bartender for a shot of tequila. “How are you?”

He’s speechless. How? Right now?

“Doing well, how are you?” He asks trying to seem sly. God he could only hope that no one he knew, especially you, saw him right now.

“Same, I’m mentally preparing for my hangover tomorrow,” she laughs before downing her shot quickly.

He smiles, “I feel that,” he downs his first shot. It’s hot and it’s burning his throat. “Listen I’ve been meaning to text you but—“

“Don’t worry about it,” she waves her hand, “I mean what are the odds of us being here together? That’s worth more than a text right?”

He swallows, “Y-you’re right. I didn’t know you lived here.”

She nods, her gaze heavy and somewhat obscene, “I go to the all girls university in the area.”

“Ah, I see,” Jungkook says glancing around. Thankfully the copious amount of people have shielded him from anyone’s view.

“Are you here anyone tonight?” Fuck.

“Just some friends,” he says smoothly. “You?”

“Same. My roommates made me come, but now I’m glad I did,” she smiles brightly and Jungkook can himself falling deep into the hole again. Fuck the fucking universe.

“Me too,” he says before he can catch himself. Her eyes glance down to his lips before she looks back up at him.

“Well, I need to get back to my friends before we get fully separated,” she smiles again, “Come say hi if you see me again,” she winks.

He nods, his eyes wide and mouth dry. “Will do.”

He downs the second shot as she walks away, his eyes unable to rip from her frame. Jungkook was in deep shit—no doubting that. There was only so much longer he could keep up this facade. He was heartbroken to the core and as much as he wanted to be selfish and forget about the name attached to his wrist—that wasn’t plausible. It was a reality he had to face sooner or later.

“Fuck,” he says, ordering your drink before he forgets and another shot of whiskey for the hell of it. There was no getting Rose off his mind now but he could at least try. He knew one thing though—once the clock struck midnight, he was ripping you out of this bar faster than a racehorse.

“Oh my god thank you,” you drunkenly smile up at Jungkook when he comes back with your drink. In your intoxicated state, you don’t notice Jungkook’s demeanor change as much as other people do. Specifically Jimin, who is standing off from your side, eyeing Jungkook up and down. Jungkook looks nervous, tense, and unsure about his surroundings. Jimin was curious about what happened to him in the last five minutes of him being gone.

“Oh shit you guys, it’s almost midnight!” Taehyung yells throwing an arm around Jimin’s shoulder.

“What are you gonna wish for?” You gaze up at Jungkook as he throws an arm around your frame protectively.

“Is that a thing babe?” He questions, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Of course it is!” You say, your expression wide and full of disbelief. “I mean I always do it.”

Jungkook leans down and pecks your forehead, his vision fuzzier now that the 3 shots of whiskey have been through his system, “Well I’ll make a wish then, just for you.”

“You better,” you wiggle your eyebrows at him. The clock hits 11:59 PM and the countdown to the new year begins.

Jungkook’s grip tightens around you, afraid that if he lets go you’ll find out his deepest secret and run away from him forever. You lean your head on his chest, unknowing of anything that’s bothering him deep down. You inhale his scent, his laundry and cologne intoxicating you even further.

Ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three… two… one!

You look up at Jungkook with another beautiful smile and he leans down to close the short gap between you two. The cheers around you drown out as you focus on each other. One of your hands pulls him down from the back of his hair closer to you, smiling into the kiss.

You wish for nothing to change—you were happy and had your partner—that’s all you could ever wish for.

Jungkook wishes for things to change—to go back to normal—but he was afriad that there wasn’t going to be a normal for you two ever again.

Jungkook makes love to you that night like you have never experienced. Every kiss, every touch, every breath is so slow and calculated. He thrusts deep and hard into you, hitting your cervix with each snap of his hips. You both are drunk but if anything that makes it all the better. You two are fully relaxed in each other’s arms and it was just you and him in that moment. He makes you come two, three, and by the fourth time you can’t breathe. His hands grip your waist and under your ass pushing himself possibly deeper into you.

You hold his face close to yours as he drowns out your half screams and moans with his lips. When he finally comes after holding back to relish each second of his cock being inside of you, it’s the most glorious orgasm he’s ever had.

“Fuck—“ you cut him off with your lips as he stills inside of you. “I love you,” he breathes out heavily, collapsing on his elbows.

“I love you,” you whisper back.

He kisses your collarbone and around your neck, trying to hold back his tears threatening to fall.

“I love you more,” is the last thing he says that night before you two drift off into sleep. He means every word.

.

University starts back up a couple weeks after New Years. Your final round of classes were starting off great—most of them being bullshit electives. You were going to enjoy your last semester here and you refused to waste yourself away in school work before hitting the “real world.” You didn’t have any classes with Jungkook or Namjoon this semester which was somewhat of a bummer but you would survive.

Jungkook wasn’t doing good to say the least. He was stressed more and more each day. He barely had a good nights sleep in weeks—waking up every few hours thinking about two very different girls in his life. He had begun to converse with Rose over text message so he didn’t seem like a grade-A asshole. Every time he sent or received a text back, his stomach churned and his heart yearned. He couldn’t help himself—this is how the universe works. It was the hardest thing for him to keep a secret like this from you. He hated lying to you and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could do it.

He turned to his photography more than ever in the past few weeks. His hobby slowly becoming his life to distract him from his actual problems. It’s how he found himself early out in the morning, before 7 AM to be exact, shooting the sunrise from a river about ten minutes from his apartment. He was playing with his new toy and lenses that Junghyun had gifted him, loving the camera the more shots he snapped. He didn’t have class until noon and he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t think of a better way to pass the time.

It was quiet and peaceful. He loved the countryside and this spot reminded him of back home. It was freezing to say the least and he quickly threw on his gloves before he went through his recent captures.

“Jungkook?” His name leaves a female and his chest twists—recognizing who it is immediately. He looks away from his camera, Rose approaching him from his right. She’s wearing leggings and a thick jacket with running shoes.

“H-hey,” he drops his camera some, “What are you doing up this early?” He asks as she stops in front of him.

“I could ask the same to you,” she smiles breathing heavily. She looks down at his camera before looking back up at his face, “I couldn’t sleep so I decided to go on a run to clear my head.”

He nods slowly, “The best way to clear your head indeed,” he muses. “Same though, to answer your question. Couldn’t sleep and I figured I would come takes some pictures.”

She hesitates before asking her next question, “Can I see?”

Jungkook doesn’t answer immediately, looking down at his camera nervously.

“O-only if you want to though,” she adds picking up on his secluded frame.

His eyes soften and his shoulders drop, “No, it’s fine, here.” He clicks around the buttons to bring up the most recent pictures of the sunrise, the river, and it’s reflection.

“Wow,” Rose whispers, smoke following her words as they hit the cold air as he clicks through each one, “These are great Jungkook.”

He smiles shyly, glancing down her frame, “Thanks.” She’s shorter than you are, her head barely hitting his shoulder.

“Have you been taking pictures for long?” She looks up at him when he’s done showing the pictures.

“A few years now,” he says, “It’s my favorite thing to do with my free time.”

“Well from what I can see you’re really talented,” she smiles, “You should do it professionally.”

He blushes, “A man can only wish,” he laughs, fog coming from his lips too.

A silence falls between the two of them. Jungkook isn’t sure what to do and Rose looks around the area, only a handful of people in the surrounding vicinity.

“Hey I was about to go to this café down the street, wanna come with?” She asks. Jungkook is taken aback by her offer. He notices a sadness behind her eyes and he bites the inside of his cheek before nodding slowly.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

The café is small and quiet. It smells of espresso and pastries. Jungkook orders himself a coffee with cream and sugar while Rose decides to get some type of iced drink.

“It’s below freezing and you’re drinking iced coffee?” He quirks a brow at her as they sit down beside the main window.

She shrugs, “I love iced coffee more than I love myself.”

He smiles, sipping on his hot coffee slowly not wanting to burn his tongue. Another silence falls between them and Jungkook takes this time to study her more. She’s petite and gorgeous. She’s the type of girl he grew up crushing over. In the few conversations they’ve had,  he knows they are very much alike. Each day talking to her and seeing her pop up in random places in his life proved to him this wasn’t a fluke. Rose was his soulmate and Jungkook was hers. That’s the fucking reality and it fucking sucks for him. He could see himself falling for Rose quicker than anyone else before—that’s what is supposed to happen anyways. But he had you—he didn’t want anyone else. You were his end all be all, not Rose.

“Jungkook,” she speaks lowly, “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Are you seeing someone right now?”

Her question makes his heart rate speed up.

“W-what?” His mouth is dry despite the coffee, “H-how—?”

“One of my friends on New Years saw you leave with a girl,” her voice breaks off. Shit.

“I,” he pauses, unsure of what to say, “It’s complicated.”

Complicated?! He was in a committed relationship that was approaching 6 months!

“I’d rather you tell me the truth than lie Jungkook,” she says. “We’re soulmates, we’re supposed to open up to each other.”

He furrows his eyebrows deeply, “It’s not that easy Rose. I just met you almost month ago.”

His words cut her deep but she stands her ground.

“I get that but,” she pauses, “I just don’t want you and whoever you’re seeing to be hurt. I’m sure you knows what happens when—“

“Yes. I know,” he says. He’s already seen it—you’ve already experienced it. The constant up and down sickness from you was just one side effect of a bonded soul that stays with one who isn’t bonded to them.

“Do you love her?” She asks.

“With everything in me,” he answers honestly. She looks away from her soulmate, unsure of how to feel. She had been waiting for him for 8 years. She was expecting her happy ever after. The last thing she thought would happen is that her soulmate would be in love with someone else. Processing this information was going to difficult for her and she couldn’t begin to imagine what Jungkook was going through right now.

“Have you told her?”

He shakes his head slowly, “No.”

She purses her lips, squeezing her cup a little too hard, “I’m not telling you how to go about this Jungkook, but if you really loved her, why are you continuing to hurt her?”  

.

“Taehyung we have to talk right now,” Jimin says into his phone.

“Baby it’s not even 8 AM,” Taehyung’s morning voice is deeper than his actual voice.

“No—like Taehyung it’s urgent.”

Taehyung is beginning to worry what could possibly be going on.

“Is everything okay?” He asks sitting up in his bed, pushing the hair from his face.

“No,” he says, “Not at all.”

Jimin hangs up the phone and makes his way to Taehyung’s apartment. He half jogs, unable to keep up with his feet. Jimin’s mind is racing as he begins to piece his suspicions together.

“Good morning,” Jimin enters the apartment, a shiver going down his back as he steps into the significantly warmer apartment. Jimin glances around the apartment, his eyes frantic. “Y/N isn’t here, is she?”

Taehyung watches his boyfriend with tired eyes like a hawk. “No, why would she be here?”

Jimin nods quickly, “When did she first get sick?”

“Whoa, Jimin what’s going on?” Taehyung holds his hands up, his brain still not fully functioning.

“Just answer the damn question.”

“Uh, Christmas morning, early in the morning.”

“And has she been sick since then?”

Taehyung furrows his eyebrows, “Um, she mentioned being sick the day after New Years. Jimin this is stupid, she was hungover both days—“

“Do you know who this girl is?” Jimin pulls out his phone, pulling up a picture of Jungkook and a girl neither of them knew sitting at a small cafe across from each other.

“Where did you get this?” Taehyung asks taking his phone to zoom in on the pic.

“This morning,” he says, “I went to the gym and saw those two together.”

“What does this mean? Is Jungkook cheating on Y/N?!” Taehyung feels himself begin to get angry, handing the phone back to Jimin.

“Well according to Hoseok, the bartender from New Years I sometimes see around asked who the girl Jungkook was cuddled up to at the bar on New Years… and it wasn’t Y/N.”

Taehyung’s face clenches, “W-what? I don’t understand what you’re getting at Jimin. Is Jungkook cheating on Y/N?” He asks again.

“Taehyung, don’t you get it?” Jimin asks running a hand through his hair, “I study this stuff for fucksakes! This,” he holds up his phone of the picture again, “She’s Jungkook’s soulmate, Tae.”

His mouth parts open, “H-how are you so sure?”

“I don’t know the full story but I’m guessing a name came up on Jungkook over Christmas and destiny brought them together after being apart for so long…”

“A name? Jimin, Jungkook is 22 like Y/N… they don’t—“

“Late bloomers—it’s rare, but it happens Taehyung.”

“Fuck,” Taehyung breathes out, fully awake now, “So Jungkook has a soulmate and hasn’t told Y/N I’m assuming.”

Jimin nods, “I’m sure of it. She needs to know Taehyung—it’ll only get worse for her the longer Jungkook stays with her,” his voice trails off. Jimin cared for you as much as anyone close to you and he knew the consequences of tangoing with someone else who was soul bonded.

“I’m gonna kill Jungkook,” Taehyung grips his hair harshly, “When should we tell her?”

Jimin hesitates but speaking after thinking about what could happen to you the more Jungkook hides his secret, “The sooner the better.”

.

“Babe I don’t know how to do this,” you whine as you stares at a knife and a half open salmon. Jungkook laughs at your attempt to filet the fish for your dinner together.

“It’s not that hard Y/N,” he says pointedly, coming to aid your aid. In one motion, Jungkook manages to remove the skin from the fish.

You roll your eyes at him, “Why are you so fucking good at everything?”

“I’m just that talented,” he gives you a side eye before throwing the fish into the marinade. “Are you sure you want to salmon by the way? I know you’re still not feeling the best.”

“Jungkook it’s fine—I’m not going to get sick from this,” you hoped at least, “Plus you love it and I wanted to do something special for our anniversary.”

It was true—today marked your sixth months with Jungkook. January was brutally cold and quickly passed. Now the beginning of February wasn’t any warmer, but it did mark that spring was coming soon.

You couldn’t believe you had been with Jungkook for sixth months. Six months had come and gone like that. It was odd being in a committed relationship for this long when two people weren’t soulmates—but frankly, you were sure Jungkook was your soulmate so it didn’t really matter anyways.

As Jungkook watched you whip up some rice and veggies to go on the side, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Guiltier than fuck. It had just been over a month since he meet Rose and to put it shortly—the universe was fucking trying it. No matter where he went, she always seemed to be there. They texted at least a few times everyday, obviously keeping it to himself. Rose was being patient, as she was trying her best to understand Jungkook’s situation, though he had a gut feeling she didn’t want to wait around much longer for him. Time was running out for Jungkook and it was running out faster than he ever wished it do be.  

You and Jungkook finish and eat dinner together on the couch. Sure he had a small dining room table but it was tradition for the two of you to cuddle up on the couch together for your meals. Plus, his roommates weren’t home so you may as well make yourself comfy.

“What are you thinking about?” you ask Jungkook when he goes silent for a few moments. As much as you loved Jungkook, you knew something had been bothering him for weeks that he hadn’t opened up to you about. If it was something he really wanted to open up with you about, he would have already and you felt it wasn’t your place to prod. When he was ready, he would be ready you suppose.

“Hm?” his doe eyes look into yours before glancing away, “Nothing much… I just can’t believe we’re graduating in three months,” he laughs shaking his head in disbelief.

You agreed with him, “Crazy right… are you scared?”

He looks down at your legs that are draped across his, “Yeah, I am.”

A look falls on his face that you can’t read. He’s blank on the outside but you’re sure deep down whatever he’s thinking about is torturing him.

“Jungkook,” you nudge him, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” he asks with a grimace.

“I don’t know,” you shrug, “I just feel like something has been bothering you.”

He bows his head and you’re sure he’s about to be fully honest with you until he says, “I’m just stressed babe.”

You narrow your eyes at him. Stressed you can believe—but what? School? Family? Us?

“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong I can’t help you Jungkook,” you say. You can visibly see his jaw clenching as he grinds his teeth.

“If I wanted you to know don’t you think I would fucking tell you Y/N?” he snaps and it makes you jump in your position, “Don’t be so goddamn nosy if it’s none of your business.”

Jungkook stands up from the couch and your mouth parts at his words. Not only are you taken aback, but you can’t believe Jungkook actually spoke to you like that.

“Don’t fucking talk to me like that,” you stand up and make your way towards him. He’s lean against the counter, his head down. “Jungkook, hey, what the fuck?” you ask him, beginning to get more and more frustrated as each second passes.

He lifts his head to look at you, a pained expression on his features, “Look I’m sorry—“

He’s cut off by heavy knocks on your door. Neither of were expecting anyone and if it was his roommates, they would have just used their keys. Your eyes follow Jungkook when he goes and opens the door. What happens next goes by so fast you weren’t even sure it happened until Jungkook is stumbling backwards, a groan emitting from his lips.

“Taehyung?!” you nearly scream rushing over to Jungkook, “What the fuck?! What are you doing?!” Taehyung walks into the apartment with Jimin close behind him.

“Ow, fuck man,” Jungkook holds his cheek in pain. Taehyung didn’t look like he had much power but he just proved himself wrong.

“Have you told her yet,” Taehyung speaks, looking straight at Jungkook, “Or are you still lying to her?”

You look between the two of them, your mind racing and confused.

“Told me what? Taehyung what the fuck are you doing, are you crazy?!” you yell at him again.

Jungkook and Taehyung continue to glare at each other. Jungkook notices Jimin staring too and he knows—it’s over.

“Not right now Taehyung,” Jungkook says angrily. You whip your head over Jungkook again. What’s going on?!

“Told me what?” you ask looking back over at Taehyung and then Jungkook again, “Told me what Jungkook?!” you raise your voice at him.

“Y/N,” Jungkook says, his eyes full of a wave of sadness. Your heart begins to race, your hands clammy and you feel like you might get sick again.

“What’s going on Jungkook?” you feel tears begin to well in your eyes. You know something isn’t right, otherwise this would not be happening right now.

“I was gonna tell you,” Jungkook’s voice breaks off as he comes closer to you, taking your hands in his, “I just didn’t know how.”

You feel a tear come down your face, “Baby what’s happening?”

“Hurry the fuck up,” Taehyung spits, “We don’t have all night.”

“Taehyung,” Jimin scolds him from behind.

Jungkook doesn’t break his gaze with you as he lets go of your hands. He pulls the sleeve of his left sweatshirt, moving his silver watch back in the process. When your eyes fall onto it—the name—it feels like you’ve been shot in the chest. Your breathing picks up and you look back into Jungkook’s eyes.

You shake your head, “No, no, no,” you mumble, “This is a joke right? This has to be a fucking joke,” the tears are now falling in rhythmic streams down your face.

“I’m so sorry,” Jungkook says, tears now welling his eyes eyes, “Y/N I love you so much—“

“How long have you known?” you step away from him, feeling light headed and queazy. He doesn’t answer until you press again. “How long have you fucking known Jungkook?!”

“Over a month,” his voice drops and you don’t ever think you’ve felt the sharp pains shooting in your chest until now.

“Y/N,” Jimin speaks this time, “I think you should come with us.”

“You’ve been lying to me all this time?” you ignore Jimin, your voice cracking on the edges.

“Y/N, no baby please,” he steps towards you, his hands finding your face, “I-I didn’t know what to d-do. I l-love you and you only you, nothing will ever change that,” Jungkook pleads. You shake your head, pushing him away from you.

“It changes everything Jungkook!” you yell at him, furiously wiping the tears from your face, “You’ve known about your soulmate for a goddamn month and you thought you could hide that from me?! Are you kidding me Jungkook?!”

Jungkook pulls at the roots of his hair, glancing over to Taehyung and Jimin, “I’m sorry Y/N,” he repeats, “W-we can do something about this, there has to be—“

“No,” you spit, “No, it doesn’t fucking matter anymore Jungkook,” you pause, glancing down at your hands, “There’s no way around this and you lied to me.”

“Y/N, please,” Jungkook’s heart breaks all over again as he watches you gather your things, shoving your feet into your shoes.

“Take this,” you rip the ring that suddenly didn’t mean anything to you anymore off your finger, shoving it into Jungkook’s palm. He stares at the jewelry, his eyes watery and blurry.

“Come on,” Taehyung says holding out his arm for you. With one last glance at Jungkook, you turn on your feet and walk out of his apartment. Jimin shuts the door behind of you two and you don’t even make it to their car when you break down into a full sob, Taehyung wrapping his arms around you protectively. You didn’t just walk out of Jungkook’s apartment—you’ve walked out of his life too.

SPRING

Spring was always your favorite season. The blossoming of trees and flowers always seemed to cheer up your mood. More sunlight meant more happiness and less seasonal depression. The warming weather was always a nice touch after cruel and harsh winters. This year though, you thought no one could hate Spring as much as you did.

Everyday was new challenge for you. When you and Jungkook first broke up—your feelings were indescribable. The mental and physical chest pains you experienced from your heartbreak were sure the worst you could ever have. You were a broken soul—a soul not meant for someone who you loved more than life itself sometimes.  

It was hard doing simple things—getting out of bed, doing your laundry, going to class, eating meals—it was all such a burden to you. You cried and cried and cried until you had no more tears left. Sleep was even worse as it meant your unconscious state always drifted into thoughts of Jungkook. There was the time frame where Jungkook called you, left messages and voicemails, tried to contact you through Taehyung and others—but it was all the more painful. However, you couldn’t bring yourself to rid any trace of him from your phone, afraid that you might forget what he looked or sounded like.

No one had ever seen you in such a broken state. You thought you’re mind couldn’t drift into worse territory until one night, you thought about Jungkook and his soulmate—whoever she was. You thought about him loving her, making love to her, taking pictures of her, marrying her, having kids with her, looking at her the way he looked at you—it completely shattered you even more. You don’t remember how much you drank that night. One shot of vodka? Two? Seven? Glasses of wine? It didn’t matter you just needed to forget.

It was when Taehyung found you that night passed out over your toilet, is when he recommended seeing someone. At first, your idea of going to a therapist over a failed relationship seemed silly. But Taehyung made sure that you and Jungkook were more than a college fling—it was real and it was going to take a lot of time to get over.

Your therapist was a nice woman, upper forties maybe, slim face and blonde hair. Your first couple sessions with her didn’t go as smooth as you wished for. She asked you hard questions that you weren’t willing to answer. The third session you went to, you broke down in front of a stranger becoming the most vulnerable you’d ever been.

She knew you loved Jungkook and he loved you just as deeply too. She explained soul-bonding more in depth to you that day. The universe has a reason why it pairs two souls together and why some people are left bare. It’s a phenomenon that’s barely studied but she suspects it’s more common than people want to believe. There’s also a process called soul-breaking, that is rare too but the consequences can bare far greater risks so majority of the people stay away from it.

Overall, you grew up your whole life thinking something was wrong with you. You thought you were a glitch because you didn’t receive a name on your body at 18. But if anything, meeting with your therapist made you realize that nothing was wrong with you. You live a healthy life, have a family, have friends, and you fell in love with someone—and all that is okay.

“I do believe if two people are meant to be together, they will be, someway or somehow,” she said to you one day.

Nearly two months after your break up and one month left until graduation—it was still hard. You had been prescribed antidepressants for a few weeks now and while it did numb your pain for the most part, there were times when thinking about Jungkook just made you want to curl into a ball and forget about your tasks for that day. You told yourself you needed to stop doing that though—you had to be strong otherwise you couldn’t move forward.

“Here you go,” Taehyung plops down a cup of steaming coffee and a bagel in front of you. Your stomach growls at the site.

“Thank you,” you give him a smile, “I’m starved.”

“I bet, you’ve been writing that paper for fucking hours,” he says digging into his own bagel with salmon and cream cheese. You should mention you hated salmon too now.

Taehyung was the greatest friend anyone could have, that you were sure of. Everyday, he called or texted to check in on you. He brought you food to make sure you were eating. Him and Jimin would invite you to the movies or restaurants with them. You refrained from going out to bars with them, too afraid you might run into the wrong people. Nonetheless, without Taehyung by your side, you were sure these past two months would have been much more difficult.

“I got my cap and gown in the mail,” he sings songs scrolling through his phone.

“Jesus Christ Tae, can you believe we’re graduating college?”

He laughs, “I said the same thing when we graduated high school,” he glances at you, “Look at us now bitches!” he holds his arms out dramatically.

You laugh at him, chewing on your food slowly. If there was one positive about being alone the past two months, it meant your illness had gone away completely. Your therapist explained how illnesses of different forms can plague people who play a role in betraying a soul-bonded person. Though you already knew that from your project last semester.

“Did you ever hear back from that company?” Taehyung asks you as you mule over in small conversation.

“Uh yeah,” you smile shyly, playing with the ends of your hair.

“Welllll?”

“I got an offer, if I want it,” your smile widens even more. Taehyung’s mouth drops open before it melts into his signature boxy smile.

“Wait, really? Holy shit, Y/N that’s amazing!”

“Thanks,” you look away from him, heating rushing to your cheeks. It was an exciting opportunity and you felt this was the path for you.

“But wait hold on,” he pauses, “Does this mean… you’re moving? To New York City?”

There’s the bombshell you haven’t dropped on many people yet. New York City. It was always a dream of yours to possibly live there one day. And now with nothing holding you back here, when you applied for the company and they asked a preferred location—you said fuck it.

“Yeah, later in the summer,” your voice is low. Taehyung’s shoulders drop, his happy mood diminishing ever so slightly.

“New York…” he ticks, “Well I’ve always wanted to go there so I’ll have to visit once or five times a year.”

You nod giving him a short wink, focusing on the rest of you coffee and food. Slowly but surely, you were getting better. You knew that your future days would be filled with five steps forward, two steps back but it was the natural process. Once you graduated and moved onto to bigger and better things—you’ll understand that this chapter, while thick and important, was only just a chapter. You have another one already waiting at the starting line to begin.

.

Jungkook was numb—literally numb as a needle digs in and out of skin, inking a flower onto his forearm. He had this one for awhile, but it still needed the little details to perfect the tattoo to his liking. His first tattoos, the scattered pieces on his hands were the most painful. However, now as he has a good amount of ink on his arm all the way to his shoulder, the pain isn’t there that much. He almost likes the stinging sensation as it gives him something to focus on rather than his intrusive thoughts.

The past few months haven’t been easy on him. Watching you walk away from him hit him harder than when Rose’s name showed up on his skin. And he just let you. Sure, he called and texted and persisted as much as he could but he knew he should have done more. He should have explained in more depth why he did what he did. Yes, it was because he loved you with every fiber of his being, but he genuinely didn’t care if he was meant for someone else. He wanted to be with you despite the situation present. There was surely something he could do to make it right but you were long gone from his life. He was stuck in a hole and he didn’t know how to get out.

Jungkook and Rose saw each other more frequently after his break up. She was so kind and so patient with him, he knew she deserved so much more. She never rushed anything with him, always waiting for his moves. The first time he kissed her, there was tingling deep in his chest. As great as kissing Rose was, she could never compare to you. It was hard and confusing for him to understand. He’s heard all his life—when soulmates cross paths and become intimate with each other, their whole world begins to revolve around them. That wasn’t the case though. As much as he was being pulled in by Rose, he was being pulled into a completely different direction. That wasn’t how bonded souls worked, he knew that much.

“You’re not very talkative today,” his tattooist comments as she wipes away the leftover ink on his arms. Jungkook always preferred a female to do his tattoos as they seem to have more control and a gentler grip.

“Just a lot on my mind,” he shrugs turning his head towards the tattoo needle.

“Women issues?” she raises an eyebrow at him.

“Is it that obvious?” he half laughs.

“My job requires a lot of listening and giving advice,” she says, “I know a damsel in distress when I see one.”

He doesn’t say anything as he watches the way she furrows her eyebrows, getting closer to his skin to add the finishing touches.

“Are you still with, Y/N? Was it?” she then asks. The mention of your name sends his face pale. How many months had it been since he last saw you or mentioned you? One, two, three? All of his days blended together so he’s lost track of time.

He shakes his head slowly, “No.”

She looks at him from the corner of her eyes, “Really? I thought you were gonna marry her?”

He bites down on his bottom lip to hold down his emotions before saying, “That was the plan until the universe decided to throw me bullshit.”

She’s never heard Jungkook sound angry. He’s always been very polite and an overall happy person. Jungkook felt he had a right to be angry and resentful. Unfortunately, that anger and resentment was sometimes projected onto those people around him. His roommates had to walk on eggshells around him now, afraid he might fully break if they said one wrong thing to him.

“When did this happen?” she knows exactly what he’s referring to.

“A few months back, around Christmas.”

“Have you met them yet? Your partner?” she pauses when she notices Jungkook’s jaw clenching as he’s staring at the ceiling now, “You don’t have to say anything if you’re uncomfortable. I just like to think I’m good at giving advice, is all.”

“Yeah, we’ve met,” he contemplates elaborating but does so anyways, “But it’s not this big grand affair that I was told about my whole life. She’s amazing and just my type, but… she’s not her. I like her a lot, but I don’t get the same fiery feeling I had with Y/N.”

“Hm,” she muses, putting down the tattoo gun, “You’re done,” she gives a small smile at him. He holds up his arm to inspect the new ink.

“Thanks, it looks great,” he gives her a small smile as she begins the aftercare process of petroleum jelly and a bandage.

“Can I see your mark?” she asks. He nods before shimmying his watch down his arm, revealing Rose’s name in thin cursive. The mark itself is still very much there, but recently it’s begun to fade and he wasn’t sure why.

“Sorry if I’m giving you too much information,” he laughs feeling slightly awkward as she inspects the name.

“It’s fine, I’m the one that asked,” she chuckles again before she sits back in her chair and begins to lift her own sleeve up. He’s confused as to what’s she doing but when she lays out her hand, he sees it. “This showed up when I was nineteen,” he reads the name that’s barely visible anymore—almost looking like a scar.

“Why’s it not dark anymore?” he asks.

“The same reason yours is fading too,” she looks back at his wrist.

“What do you mean fading?” so he wasn’t crazy—it was actually fading.

“It’s what happens when someone’s heart belongs to someone else,” she says, “I don’t know how to explain it but it occurs more than you think.”

She wraps up Jungkook’s forearm and he’s more confused than ever.

“The world is so fucked up,” he comments closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Heard that,” she nods in agreement, “Come on, I’ll ring you up.”

That day into the tattoo shop was a good day for him. It felt nice to open up about his situation to someone who seemingly understood what he was going through. Yes, the world was fucked up but so was everyone living in it. He didn’t understand the full meaning of his mark fading but he knew in the long run, he would deal with whatever was thrown at him. He had to otherwise he was going to live a long, miserable life. Besides, he knows that you would want him to be happy even though you probably hated him for what he did. He wants the same for you because at the end of the day, if he knew you were happy—he would be too.

. The smile on your face as you threw your cap into the air was probably the biggest and most genuine smile you’ve put on for months. The cheers and clapping from everyone in the room drowned out any tears that formed in your eyes. Of course you were happy to be done with university, but it was very bittersweet. The last four years of your life have been the best and worst possible. Everything you’ve learned here, you were sure would live with you for the rest of your life.

You find your parents and younger sister after the ceremony. The hug with your dad is the best you’ve had in a long time. He squeezes you tight, picking you up slightly.

“Gah, we’re so proud of you Y/N,” your mom dabs the inner corners of her eyes as she watches the seen unfold.

“I can’t believe my baby is graduated,” your dad pulls away, ruffling your hair a bit.

“Hey! Stop I spent time on this,” you step away from him, smoothing down your roots.

“Does this mean we get to go to New York now?” your big sister, Mia asks your parents. She’s pulls you into a hug which you exhale deeply in return. You didn’t get to see your sister as much as you wished, but growing up she was your rock. She was the best role model you could have asked for.

“Of course,” you say, “Only if you bring me bags and bags of those honey butter chips.”

“Anything you want we can bring it, or ship it!” your mom nods enthusiastically.

“What about me?” you turn around at the voice of Taehyung, throwing your arms around him.

“Holy shit Taehyung we’ve done it!” you exclaim. Your parents give you a slide on your language in front of them, understanding the circumstance.

“Mia! What’s up!?,” Taehyung pokes your sister on the shoulder before giving her a quick hug. He holds up his diploma and smiles, “Four years and thousands upon thousands of dollars later, we’ve made it.”

“Do you still wanna go downtown? Grab some dinner?” you ask your parents and they nod excitedly.

“Definitely—you choose wherever,” your father smiles. “Taehyung, you and Jimin are welcome to come if you don’t have any plans.”

“Oh we will definitely be there,” he smiles, “Just text me where you guys are going. I gotta go find the devil and my parents through all this mess. See you later!”

Later ended up being at a nicer restaurant downtown that you had never been to—too broke as a college student to ever think about coming here for dinner. You mulled over conversation with glasses of wine and good food, Taehyung being the star of the dinner table. Jimin smiled lovingly at his partner, slightly jealous that you and Taehyung were now finished with school. He’s got another year left in his master’s program so he’ll be graduated this time next year.

When you’re finally done with dinner, you part with your parents and sister for the evening outside the restaurant when you run into an all familiar face.

“Y/N?”

You turn to the source, “Namjoon?” a smile spreads over your face and you quickly make your way to him and give him a squeeze.

“Congrats!” he smiles when you pull away, looking back over your shoulder.

“You too, I can’t believe we’re done,” you laugh taking in his attire. He’s dressed in a nice button down and dress pants, glasses resting on his face looking dapper as ever. “Oh this is my family,” you introduce the them.

“Nice to meet you,” he smiles, “This is Kaya,” he smiles and you didn’t even realize he had company with him. You introduce yourselves to each other and she’s got to be one of the most beautiful girls you’ve met. They look damn good together.

“Nice to meet you,” you return your own smile.

“Is dinner here good?” he asks all of you. Everyone agrees in response and he looks over to Kaya, “Well, it was good to meet you all. Let’s catch up one day? You’re gonna be around in the city right?”

“A city yes,” Mia interjects crossing her arms, slightly envious of you, “Not this one, but New York City.”

Namjoon raises his eyebrows at you, “Wow, big girl things huh?”

You laugh repeating his words, “Big girl things.”

Namjoon and Kaya leave into the bustling restaurant after some finals words and you’re finally parting ways with your family. You mom and dad give you another bone crushing hug before they have to go back home. Mia looks at you with a sadness in her eyes and you furrow your eyebrows at her.

“What’s wrong?” you ask her as she hides herself in her shell.

“I don’t want you to leave,” she pouts, slumping her shoulders.

“I still have a few more months home,” you give her a smile, “And I promise you can visit me and I’ll come back as much as I can.”

“Promise?” she holds up her pinky. You link your pinkies together before nodding your head.

You bid your farewell’s to your family one last time before you’re left alone with Jimin and Taehyung.

“Your sister is funny,” Jimin comments as you begin to walk in the opposite direction of them. Your heels were absolutely killing your feet and you were tempted to take them off but thinking about the dirt and grim on the street made you think otherwise.

“She’s sweet on the outside but damn she can be a handful,” you laugh.

“She’s almost twenty five babe, about to hit her first mid-life crisis what do you expect?” Taehyung says.

Minuscule conversation occurs between the three of you before they have to part ways too. Taehyung and Jimin were meeting up with Taehyung’s parents at a bar just outside the city to celebrate. The sun was now setting, the air warm and sticky as you hugged them off. You were walking back to the parking garage that you had your car when something catches your eye on the way. Downtown was filled with bars, restaurants, boutiques and what nots, but you’ve never seen this before. It was an art studio of sorts, pictures—digital and art canvases—hanging from the windows.

You stared at the plexiglass, a sense of familiarity crossing your mind the longer you stared at the blown up photographs. You take a peak at the hours listed on the door and see that they don’t close for another twenty minutes or so. Curiosity getting the best of you, you swing open the door, silence engulfing you as you step in.

Your heels clink against the hardwood, glancing around the space. It’s quite spacious, pictures lining the walls up and down all the way to the back. A few art pieces are strayed in the middle of the floor. You walk slowly around the gallery, admiring the painted canvases and shots of various things. You pick up there’s different artists and photographs displaying their works and when you get towards the back left corner of the place, you stop in your tracks.

A gallery of scenic pictures ranging from clouds, to the sea, to the cityscapes, and more hang beautifully in thin frames. Something twists inside you as you feel deep down that you’ve seen some of these before you just cannot put your finger on it. It’s when you see a picture to the farthest right when you feel yourself skipping a breath. Your mouth parts when you realize what it it—or who it is. It’s you. It’s black and white film developed, the side of your face looking off into the distance with trees behind you. Your mind flashes back to that day in the park—with Jungkook—a small picnic he set up when you first got together.

“Y/N?” you whip around at the sound of your name.

“J-Jungkook?” his name leaves your lips instantly. He’s emerged from a back room stopping dead in his tracks. You’re speechless. He looks so good—better than you remember. His hair a little longer with blonde tips, a white button up, sleeves rolled up with black slacks that he fills out perfectly.

“H-hey,” he speaks first. His eyes trailing up and down your body quickly. You subconsciously glance down at your frame, the white dress and heels you’re wearing hoping to match how he good looks. “What are you doing here?”

“I—“ you pause looking back at the pictures, “I was just passing by and was curious, I didn’t know this place existed.”

Slowly, he steps closer to you shoving his hands in his pockets. His ears are red and he can’t believe that you’re here, looking at his favorite picture he ever took of you.

“It just opened up recently,” he says getting closer to you, though leaving a considerable amount of space between you two. “I started selling some of my pieces through here,” he explains.

“That’s great Jungkook,” you give him a small smile to hide the hurt you’re actually feeling. It’s been months and suddenly all of your progress seems to have backtracked. He was so beautiful—the most perfect man you have ever met—and he’s standing here before you again. Jungkook can’t believe his eyes either—you’re here, feet away from him, something he thought he’d never see anymore.

“How are you doing?” he asks, unable to take his off you. You can feel him staring holes into you and you can’t bring yourself to look at him just yet.

“I’m good, you?” you continuously stare at his photos, feeling self conscious the more you stand in his presence.

“I’m okay,” better now that you’re here, is what he wants to say, but he refrains. “You look good,” he says and you look over and up at him, meeting his eye contact.

“You too,” you nod, your eyes trailing down to his wrist, not even realizing what you’re doing. His watch still there, hasn’t moved since the last time you saw him. You feel a tingle in your fingertips and chest, unable to hide your awkwardness.

“Y/N,” he stops himself so you’ll look at him again. Fuck, he loves it when you look at him like that. “Would you want to get some coffee one day? Or something like that?” his words are brave and you can’t believe he said them.

As much as you know you shouldn’t—that you might be setting yourself up for further hurt—something between the two makes you say otherwise. Besides, you’ve been hurt enough, what’s a little more going to do?

You slowly with a small smile, “What about right now? A-are you free?”

He glances at his photos with a small smile in return before glancing back to you, his shoulders slumping as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

“Yeah… yeah I’m free.”

[mxxnlitwonders]

c’mon pretty boy — miya atsumu

✎ gender. uhm neutral? but female parts are used ✎ contains. pegging, dom!reader, aka atsumu’s a little bratty :3c but i didnt focus on it that much, degradation and praising (giving), oral (giving and receiving), face-riding, little bit of edging, aftercare!!!, bad grammar (i think i switched between tenses hng) ✎ wc. 5.8k (im so sorry)

✎ summary. you’ve always been more of a switch, and you really want to, well, switch, things up. It’ll just take some convincing when it comes to your dear boyfriend.

✎ ameris’ notes. repost from my other blog! owo lil special thanks for nidae back when they helped me a bit with this fic <3

The shatter of the mug echoed through the kitchen, but your form stayed still, sipping your cup of coffee as you stared at Atsumu’s appalled face across the room. His hands frozen and the back of his head still facing you. 

“What?” He nearly murmured, turning to face you. 

Gently and calmly, you set the cup on the table as you uncrossed your legs. Perhaps you should have waited for Atsumu to sit at the table across from you, but what’s done is done. 

Eyeing the remains of the mug on the floor, you stood back up to meet Atsumu’s brown eyes. 

“I wanna peg and dom you,” you said again, then pointed to the mess on the floor. “Also you’re cleaning that up.” 

Atsumu grimaced, “Hell no.” Carefully, he tiptoed around the shattered pieces to grab a broom and dustpan to clean it up. He was thankful that the mug wasn’t filled with coffee yet. 

“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun!” You grinned at him as you leaned against the kitchen counter, resting your chin on your hand. He crouched down to pick up the pieces but gave you a wary side glance. 

Atsumu knew that your eyes were on him like a hawk. The two of you guys were together long enough that you knew his every tell. And he knew it. Sometimes, you knew him better than you knew yourself. You were there for him for most of his life, from losing to Karasuno at Nationals during second year, to the falling out you two had in third year, to reconnecting a year after graduation, and finally to when he got scouted by the MSBY Black Jackals when he finally asked you out. 

The point is, Atsumu knew that you knew he wasn’t opposed to the idea of you taking control in the bedroom. And he knew you knew that he knew. 

“What size do you want?” You asked the setter, already scrolling through an adult sex toy website on your phone. 

“I never said I wanted to get pegged,” Atsumu replied, standing back up to throw the remains away. He had to walk past you to toss it into the trash and suddenly he became more and more aware of the predatory gaze you had on him. 

Biting your bottom lip, you set your phone down and trailed your eyes over his broad shoulders, to his slim waist (at least compared to the rest of him), and his ass. Atsumu’s thighs were nice too, no doubt, except with the gray sweatpants he had on it was hard to admire. But damn, did you want to ruin him. 

Slowly you walked up to your boyfriend and as he turned to face you, suddenly surprised by your presence, you set your hands on his hips, your eyes settling on his chest before going up to his eyes. Atsumu swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing along. Your lust-filled eyes almost scaring him. 

Your hands squeezed his hips, bringing him closer to you. A smirk made its way onto your face when you felt his hardened length against you. 

“Yeah, but I think you like the idea of it, don’t you?” Leaning up with your breath ghosting over his ear you whispered, “You’d love getting fucked in the ass and you’d love being a good boy, just for me, wouldn’t you, baby?” You made sure to grind into his hips when the last syllable left your mouth. 

A low groan rumbled over Atsumu but you suddenly took a step back, an innocent smile on your face being the total opposite to the mood of what was happening just a few seconds ago. 

For once, Atsumu swallowed his pride, knowing that you wouldn’t do anything without his explicit consent. 

“Surprise me. On the size...” he murmured the last part, looking off to the side. 

“Yay!” You cheered in an extremely jarring change of tone, immediately picking up your phone to continue to scroll through for a strap-on. 

Atsumu huffed, slightly pissed off that you just left him hanging. Whatever, he’ll make you help him out. Leaving you to your own devices, he settled onto the couch and turned on the TV. That is, until you spoke up once more. 

“In the meantime, do you want me to help you with your little problem?” You asked, your voice ever so slightly condescending. His cock strained against his sweatpants and Atsumu couldn’t help but shift around his pants, feeling ever so slightly uncomfortable. Especially with how your eyes rest on the obvious tent. 

But you wanted to play around a bit, test the waters. 

“Yeah baby, why don’t you help me out?” Atsumu smirked, trying to regain control only for him to slightly falter once he saw the frown on your face. 

“Sorry baby,” you walked up to him, caressing his face to make him stare up at you, “only good boys get taken care of.” You ruffled his blonde hair before walking away. There was a little sway in your hips as you walked into your shared bedroom and Atsumu knew that he was so fucked. Literally. 

Of course, he shut off the TV to quickly follow you into the bedroom, stumbling over himself on the way. 

Atsumu’s presence could be described as large, to put it simply. 

He’s a professional volleyball player for one thing, so he was taller than the average person. He’s more than fit too, with his broad shoulders and large thighs. Physically, he took up a lot of room. And even then, Atsumu was loud. His personality took up the entire room whenever he could. 

So to see you staring down at him with a hunger in your eyes that he’s never seen before. Shit, for the first time in his life he’s felt small. And fuck does he like it. Loved it, even. 

Not that he’ll ever admit it. 

Not with the way you stood between his legs and how you tilted his chin to look up at you. God forbid he ever admits to being into this. 

“Bet by the end of this, you’ll be so tired I’ll have to take care of you,” Atsumu smirked up at you but instead, your other hand pulled sharply on his hair, yanking him back. You bent down, your lips ghosting against his. 

“If you keep acting like a brat I’ll make sure you don’t get to cum,” you scold, “only good boys get to cum.” 

With that said, you shoved him back by his shoulders, causing him to fall onto the bed with a light plop. To Atsumu’s distaste, you walked away. But when he saw you grab the strap on and the lube that came with it? He could swear he felt his cock twitch in his sweats. 

You set the items on the bed for easier access as you moved to straddle him. You purposely grinded down onto his already hard member and bent down to give him a soft, short kiss, only to move your lips away. You smirked, staring down at him with half-lidded eyes as he desperately tried to kiss your lips. 

“Does my pretty boy want to kiss me?” 

His hand moved from your hips to the back of your head but you immediately slapped it away, pinning the arm down beside his head as you glared. 

“If you keep acting like a pathetic brat, you won’t cum at all tonight,” you threatened. “Just because of that keep your hands to yourself, okay? ‘Tsumu.” Atsumu’s breath hitched. You knew what kind of effect you had on him. You felt him subtly grind into your core just then, but you’d let it slide. After all, the way he was uncharacteristically quiet because of you made you feel a little bit too powerful. 

Slowly, you trailed your hands down his chest, grazing over his nipples before playing with the hem of his shirt. Tapping Atsumu’s side, silently telling him you wanted to take it off, he shifted himself to make it easier and you quickly pulled off his shirt. 

You took a deep breath, admiring him underneath you. 

“Fuck, you look so pretty like this.” And shit, Atsumu really did have a praise kink because all he wanted was for you to keep on complimenting him, praising him, to call him your pretty boy. 

“Are you just going to stare at me?” Atsumu smirked, his voice slightly wavering. He hoped you didn’t notice, you did.

“I could,” you replied, your hands slightly hovering over his chest, barely touching him, “I could touch myself, make myself cum as I stare at your pretty body. But that would mean you don’t get to cum. I don’t think you’d want that, would you?” Your hand slid down his abdomen, your finger tracing over the ‘v’ shape lines. You knew he wanted you to touch him, especially with the way he was pressing up into your core. 

Wanting a little bit of relief yourself, you grinded down into him, a slight moan leaving both your and his mouth. 

“Shit, st-stop fucking teasing!” Atsumu growled, tossing his head back slightly. 

You clicked your tongue, “I give the orders here, baby. Not you.”

Climbing off of him, you gestured for him to move further back onto the bed to get into a more comfortable position. Atsumu sat there, watching you as you slowly took off your top and pants, leaving you bare with just a matching lace bra and panties. His favorite ones; the ones that he loved to tear off of you. And you knew it. 

You moved onto the bed, the mattress dipping with your weight as you went to sit between his legs. Atsumu felt incredibly vulnerable with your gaze on the obvious tent in his sweatpants, but he felt safe, comfortable.

Your finger traced over the tent lightly, Atsumu rutting his hips up to get more of your touch but you quickly pulled your hand away. Instead, your hand dipped below his waistband, dragging down both his briefs and pants and tossed the clothes to the side, freeing his hard member as it slapped against his stomach. Trails of precum left on his stomach and Atsumu stared down at you, waiting for your touch. 

“You look so pretty like this,” you sighed out, your hand finally wrapping around his hard cock, your thumb swiping over his red tip to spread the precum. Leaning up, you pressed your lips against his and he immediately reciprocated, pressing back even harder against you. You bit his bottom lip, causing him to groan as you continued stroking his cock, his hips ever so slightly thrusting into your fist. You slipped your tongue into his mouth before you pulled away, a string of saliva connected your mouth and Atsumu’s. 

Your grip tightened as you stroked a little faster and a groan left his mouth, tossing his head back. 

“Fuck, feels good,” he moaned out. 

“Yeah, pretty boy?” You asked. Before Atsumu could reply, you ducked your head down, placing a languid kiss against his red tip. Then a small kitten lick against the beads of precum that gathered at the tip. Atsumu let out a choked moan, wanting more from you but he bit his lip, he wasn’t about to let you hear him beg, he knew he’d lose if he begged. But you weren’t about to lose either. 

Slowly, you wrapped your lips around the tip of his cock and moved your head down his shaft until you felt Atsumu hit the back of your throat. It was difficult taking all of him in your mouth, since Atsumu was on the larger side but it was easier now after a bit of practice. 

Breathing through your nose, you hollow your cheeks and begin bobbing your head up and down his cock. Atsumu tried holding back his moans but when you slightly slapped his hip, he finally let out every pretty noise that was only for your ears. Your hands began stroking the parts of him that you couldn’t reach as your jaw began hurting. But you were determined to make Atsumu cum and with the way his thighs tensed and his moans getting louder as he pleaded for you to let him cum, you knew he was well on his way. 

You take your mouth off of him, to his disappointment, but when your hand takes over, stroking him how he likes it all thought leaves his head. 

“Your moans sound so pretty, baby,” you murmured against his lips before kissing him and swallowing his moans. You couldn’t help the smirk that made its way onto your lips as he began thrusting up into your fist and with how he couldn’t focus on kissing you. Instead, he pulled away letting out a loud groan as he felt his peak approach. 

Until you stopped your strokes and Atsumu let out the saddest of whines which made you want to spoil him. But you wouldn’t. 

“Fuck, I was so close,” Atsumu panted. 

“Gotta beg for it, baby, I don’t know how much you want to cum,” you replied. Atsumu scowled at you but you could only smile back at him, knowing exactly what you were doing. Especially with how you decided to wrap your hands around his hard cock again, slowly stroking up and down his shaft. 

Atsumu let out more moans and he knew that you already won. He knew that you wouldn’t let him cum, would make him edge for the rest of the night and as much as he liked the idea of that, maybe it’d be better off if it was for another night.

Another night, meaning he was definitely going to let you do whatever you pleased to him again after this. 

“Fuck,” he gasped out your name, feeling you speed up your strokes, your thumb swiping over his tip. He thrusted his hips up into your fist, felt his thighs tensing and his peak was coming close again. Faster this time as you had just edged him. Just as you were about to edge him once he finally let out the words you’ve been wanting to hear.”

“Let me cum, please, I—fuuuck—“ he choked on his words, letting out a loud, desperate groan. “‘S’close, I want to—want to cum.” 

Knowing that was the best you were going to get out of him, for now, you continued stroking his hard member, your grip tightening just a little bit. You were sure to focus on giving his tip the attention it needed as well. And then his eyes rolled back into his head, a loud moan escaping his mouth that vaguely sounded like your name and spurts of white cum painted your hand and his stomach. 

You stroked him through his orgasm, feeling his member slowly softening. When Atsumu put his hand on your wrist, trying to pull you away from him to prevent overstimulation, you smiled up at him. 

“Good boy, you look so good cumming like that, ‘Tsumu. So pretty, all for me,” you leaned up to give him a chaste kiss. You pulled away, staring at him with half lidded eyes before kissing him again. 

Atsumu lived for your kisses, with the way you were nibbling on his bottom lip to the way your tongue swiped into his mouth, how you slightly suckled on his tongue. If it was possible, he could live off of your kisses but he was only human, still in need of air and still trying to catch his breath from his orgasm. So he pulled away.

His brown eyes stared into yours, as you stared at him with innocent eyes. You brought your hand up to your lips, your tongue darting out to lick the cum that fell on your hand and you smiled. 

“Always taste so good, baby,” you moved your hand towards him, telling him to lick what was left and he hesitantly did what he was told. Atsumu’s cock was already hardening once more from how dirty this was. 

“So, are ya gonna fuck me already or what?” He asked, eyeing the strap-on that sat on the bed. 

You clicked your tongue, “Gotta be patient baby. Besides,” you pushed him down gently onto the bed, stripping off your panties and bra before climbing to straddle his waist, “you’re gonna make me cum with your tongue, okay pretty boy?”  Immediately, his hands went to caress your breasts but you slapped them away, pinning them beside his head. 

“No touching until I say so,” you chastised Atsumu, “now make me cum or I’ll leave you exactly like this.” You reach back to lightly stroke his cock before pulling away, a frustrated groan leaving his mouth. 

Before Atsumu could give you any type of remark, you had already climbed towards the top of the bed, settling your legs beside his head. 

Atsumu stared up at your glistening folds, his hands already automatically trying to grab your hips to bring you down to his mouth. Repeating your actions from before, you were quick to swipe his hands away. 

“Remember what I said, pretty boy,” you scolded. With that, he slowly set his hands back onto the bed, gripping the sheets and you lowered yourself onto his face. One of your hands buried in his hair and the other on the headboard. 

Hesitantly, Atsumu licked his tongue through your folds from your entrance to clit, a pleased moan leaving his mouth as he tasted you and he was sure not to miss your gasp. You pull on his hair a little harder, slowly grinding your hips down on his mouth, following his tongue against your core. 

“Fuck, baby, you’re doing so-fuck!” you desperately cried out as he brought your clit into his mouth, suckling on it then going back to licking through your folds. Your grip on his hair tightens as you begin bucking your hips against him, breathy moans filling the room. 

His tongue trails down from your clit to your entrance, thrusting in you as one of his hands moved to then replace his tongue. You’d be sure to punish Atsumu another time because fuck was he putting his mouth to good use for once. He slipped in two of his long, thick fingers into your wet hole that’s a mix of your slick and his own saliva. He moves his mouth back to your clit, wrapping his lips around the bud and suckling against it as his strong setter fingers stroked inside you, hitting that sweet spot inside of you so easily and so well. 

“Fuck, yes, I’m almost-” you felt the pressure in your core building up and your thighs tensing up. A desperate whine left your lips as you finally hit your climax. Atsumu stroked you through your orgasm, letting you ride his face until your grip on his hair loosened up and you slowly got off of him. 

A sense of pride and admiration flowed through you as soon as you saw your slick coat the sides of his mouth and chin. Sitting slightly up, Atsumu grinned at you as he placed his fingers into his mouth, sucking and cleaning his fingers of your juices before pulling them out with a ‘pop’. 

Grasping him by the back of his head, you pulled him towards you, placing a passionate kiss against his mouth. Your tongue stroking his lips before he parted to let you taste yourself against him. Atsumu moaned against you when one of your hands moved to twist one of his nipples between your fingers. 

You pulled away, a smirk very apparent on your face as he flushed red, “So you like that more than you let on, huh.” You recalled the few times you’ve given his nipples attention in the past, him often pulling your hand away but he’d always bring you into a kiss right away instead. Probably to hide his pink-tinted cheeks. 

Atsumu pursed his lips before you moved to kiss his jawline, then began leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses down his neck, suckling here and there to leave marks. You made your way down his chest, making sure to lightly play with his nipples with your fingers until your lips found its way onto his chest. You pull the perked bud in between your lips, sucking and lightly nibbling. You stared up at Atsumu, who let out light, breathy moans with his eyes shut. 

You pulled away, reaching over to grab the bottle of lube, the cap opening up with a click. Atsumu opened his eyes at the sound, then watched you closely. You patted his knees and Atsumu layed back on the bed, spreading his legs open. 

“You alright?” You asked, watching as he seemed a bit uneasy. 

Atsumu would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. On one hand, he wanted to prove that he could take your cock. On the other, he’s the one usually doing the fucking. But fuck he really, really, liked feeling like putty because of you. 

He felt your hands caress his legs up to his waist, “Relax baby-” you kissed him at the crown of his head “-we can always stop if you’re uncomfortable.” But Atsumu shook his head with a huff. 

“Can’t lose to you,” he argued. You lightly chuckled, knowing that was just a way for him to convince himself that you fucking him? Wasn’t going to make him less than. And if his conversations with Bokuto and Hinata in the locker room were any indication, he was clearly the one winning. 

“Alright,” you grab one of the pillows on the bed, telling him to lift his hips as you slide it snuggly underneath him. You moved to sit between his legs, tapping on them. 

“Hold yourself open, pretty boy,” you ordered softly. Atsumu placed his hands under his knees, spreading his legs open for you and watched as you stared down at his puckered hole. You traced your finger around it, Atsumu slightly jolte and you chuckled softly to place a kiss on his thigh, murmuring reassuring words to the man. 

With the bottle of lube, you poured a generous amount on your fingers before moving to slowly insert a finger into his hole. You kissed his thigh again, asking Atsumu if he was alright. 

“Y-yeah,” he breathed out. He was about to ask you to move but instead bit his tongue. The feeling of your finger in him was... Foreign, to say the least. But it wasn’t unwelcome. With the way you fingered him gently was different to how you’ve been treating him every now and then this past session. 

“Ah-!” Atsumu gasped out in pleasure when you placed another finger into him, even pouring a bit of lube to help ease the stretch. You kissed him again, distracting him from any discomfort as you stretched him for what was to come. Your fingers stroked his insides, scissoring every so often to try to open him up wider. 

You pulled away, glancing at his face to make sure he was alright before he told you to keep going. You smirked, kissing the tip of his nose before you went to kiss his chest once more, leaving dark red marks. He’d have to change quickly if he wanted to avoid any teasing from his teammates in the locker room. 

Sliding one more finger into him, Atsumu moaned. You separated your mouth from his chest, smiling at the marks before staring up at him, your fingers sliding in and out much more easily as you spread him open. 

“You like that baby?” You asked, leaning back to stare at him in all his glory. His cock was painfully hard, dripping with precum with an achingly red tip. With your free hand, you lightly stroked him before placing a languid kiss on his tip before sitting back up and pulling your hand away. “Okay, pretty boy, do you think you’re ready?” 

Atsumu nodded his head, not trusting his voice. You kissed his thigh again before taking your fingers out, watching as his hole fluttered around nothing. Atsumu was about to let his legs down again but you held them both back.

“Be a good boy for me and keep yourself open, baby,” you told him then climbed off the bed to put on the strap on a little easier. Atsumu watched as you placed your legs through the harness, watching as the dildo hung from your hips as you snuggly put it on. Admittedly, you looked really good, to put it simply. And, he was glad you picked one that wasn’t too girthy but still somewhat long. It wasn’t too intimidating as you slid back onto the bed, grabbing the lube bottle once more to coat the dildo before tossing the bottle to the side. 

You settled between his legs once more, your hands caressing his thighs before settling onto his hips. 

“Just let me know if you’re uncomfortable, okay?” you said softly, as you stared down into his brown eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, just fuck me already,” Atsumu replied. You rolled your eyes, slapping his bare cheek. He was definitely ready but trying to hide his nerves. “Unless you’re too tired.” 

You glare at him, already grabbing the dildo to place at his entrance and pressed your hips forward. Atsumu hissed which quickly turned into a moan as you slowly filled him up. You made sure to go slow, stopping every so often to rub soothing motions on his thigh and making sure he was alright. Each time he’d give you the go ahead you made sure to whisper him praises, telling him how much of a good boy he was being. 

When your hips pressed into him, signaling that you were all the way in, you stilled. 

“You’re so good for me baby, taking me all so well,” you murmured, leaning down to give him a kiss on the corner of his lips. His eyes were shut as he controlled his breathing. Atsumu was admittedly more nervous than he thought but he was enjoying this a lot more than he thought. 

Opening his eyes to stare up into you, he shakily said, “You can move.” 

Your eyes flickered over his face, trying to see if there was any discomfort or any part of him that was even lying to try to show that he could take you. Once you couldn’t find anything of the sort, you slowly pulled out, leaving just the tip in before gently pushing back in. 

As you began to find a sort of rhythm, gradually going from gentle thrusts to rough thrusts, Atsumu lightly panted, purposely preventing himself from trying to let out any moans for your satisfaction. 

With a newfound passion, you angled your hips to deliberately hit his prostate and finally you heard him let out a choked moan. 

“Fu-fuck! Ah-baby please, I—fuuckk,” Atsumu dragged out the last words, tears gathering in his eyes as he held up his legs by the back of his knees a little more. Your hand gripped his hips harder, your nails surely leaving marks. Another hand sprawled on his chest, lightly scratching over his toned body and over his nipples. 

With every sharp thrust into his desperate hole, hitting the spot that is making him see stars, his hard member slapped against his abdomen, leaving streaks of precum along with his previous orgasm. The tip of his cock was so red and pretty that you couldn’t help but move your hand down to lightly stroke it. Incoherent moans continued leaving his mouth as your thumb rubbed over his tip, spreading his precum more. 

“Yeah? You look so fucking pretty like this,” you breathed out, groaning when a particular thrust just sucked you back in. “What a pretty boy, taking my cock so well. Who knew you could be a good boy.” 

“Ahh- fuck!” his words bleeding into a moan as you gripped his cock a little tighter, stroking him a little faster. The sharp pain in his hips grew numb as you continued holding him up, thrusting harder. A satisfied laugh escaped your mouth as you felt him grind his hips up into you.

“You like this? Huh?” You asked, a condescending tone lacing around your tongue. “You like it when I fuck your tight hole so much that you’re holding your legs open. What a slut. My. Little. Slut.” Atsumu could feel his peak coming, the heat in his core building up and his thighs were shaking for the second time that night. 

Atsumu bit the bottom of his lip, trying to hold back any moans. He didn’t want to give you the satisfaction of how he felt from hearing you talk to him like that. No, not at all. Nev—

A sharp pain against his ass cheek caused him to gasp out but you were quick to rub over the mark, soothing him. 

“Don’t be a brat, come on pretty boy, let me hear your moans,” you rolled your hips into his and Atsumu knew he was close. So, so, so, close. “Or I won’t let you cum.” Your thrusts began to slow down and instead of pumping his cock like you were earlier, you gripped the base of his shaft. 

“Fuuuuck, I’ll be good,” Atsumu caved in, begging so desperately, “I’ll be a good boy for you please, I need to cum.” He let go of his legs, immediately wrapping them around you instead to rut his hips into you. His hands sprawled beside his head as he turned to look to the side, too embarrassed at giving you full control. 

“Good boy,” you murmured and began thrusting harder, faster into him. You intertwined your hand with his when you bent down, kissing the marks you’ve left on his chest. A smirk appeared on your face as you heard him moan. “My little prince.” 

Atsumu’s other hand found its way onto your shoulder at the same time as your hand moving down to stroke his aching cock. 

The two of you hissed at the same time; Atsumu for the added sensations and you as he dug his nails onto your back. There were definitely going to be marks left on your back but you didn’t mind. Not with the way Atsumu’s pretty face was scrunching up in pleasure, the desperate moans that left his mouth as he continued to try to meet each of your thrusts. 

And—oh fuck—with his tongue hanging out from his mouth like he’d always do while playing on the court, shit. You felt like you could cum right there and then with the way his eyes rolled back into his head. 

“Shit, ‘m gonna-” Atsumu let out a whine, unable to finish his sentence as he came all over you and his stomach. His legs tightened his hold around you and you slowed your thrusts with your hand stroking his cock, letting him ride out high. 

When Atsumu’s legs loosened around you, you fully pulled out, watching as his chest heaved with every breath he took. You rubbed circles on his hips, especially over the marks left by your nails. The stinging on your back was still there, but you’d be sure to check them out tomorrow morning. 

“Good boy,” you murmured, licking off the cum off your hand before leaning down to softly say against his lips, “Such a good fucking boy, just for me.” 

You finally kissed him, tilting your head for a deeper kiss, running your hands up his sides as you continued giving him small praises against his lips before kissing him again. Finally pulling away, you admired your handiwork. The many marks left on his skin would surely make him the slightest bit mad, albeit jokingly (somewhat), tomorrow but damn did they look good on him. 

“How was it?” You asked, smiling as you comfortably shifted back into your casual personality. 

Atsumu let out a heavy sigh, tossing his head back against the bed, “ ‘Sgood.” 

“Just good?” Atsumu brought his head up, glaring at you which made you laugh. This was as good as it was going to get but with that gleam in his eyes, you knew this wouldn’t be the last. 

You lightly slap his thighs before moving off the bed and promptly taking off the harness, “Alright big boy, let's get you cleaned up. You weren’t uncomfortable at all?” Worry flickered through your eyes as you watched Atsumu push himself onto his arms. You sat beside him on the edge of the bed, interlocking your hands with him as you searched his face. 

“No, I’m just surprised you had enough energy to fuck like that, thought you were more of a, well, pillow baby.” 

You shrugged, “I just wanted to switch things up.” A grin made its way onto your face as Atsumu groaned, falling back onto the bed and letting go of your hand. You laughed as he threw insults at you for that terrible pun, getting up to grab a few wet and warm towels to wipe him down. You also set the water for the bath as well before heading back to help clean him up. 

As the two of you prepared for the night an hour later, with Atsumu resting his head on your chest as you ran your hands gently through his surprisingly soft, blond hair, you asked him if he’d want to do it again. 

Silence filled the room until Atsumu lifted his head to look up at you. 

“If ya wanted to fuck me that badly you could just ask y’know,” he replied smugly. You placed your hand on his face, shoving him away but his grip around your torso tightened, trying to keep you close to him. 

“Agh, okay okay, fine stop pushin’ me,” Atsumu protested trying to lick your hand to get you to stop. You pulled your hand away (not because of his childish antics), wiping your hand on his shirt with a sigh. 

He rests his head against your chest once more, “But, fine. I... wouldn’t mind it.” He whispered the last part into your chest. 

You hummed lightly, the corner of your lips turning up, returning your hand to thread it through his locks. Now you had something to look forward to and damn were you glad that you saw that one notification on his phone. The one with his shared chat with Hinata, Bokuto, and Sakusa. And specifically the notification about Bokuto directly addressing Atsumu about how “he’s always wanted to try pegging, too.”

You’d have to thank Bokuto later. 

***

“Babe, are you kidding me?” Atsumu shouted from the bedroom. You raised your brow, sipping your coffee before setting it down on the dinner table to walk into the shared room. 

Upon walking into the room, Atsumu was staring at himself through the mirror, his shirt through his arms but the rest of the torso bare and you could tell he was getting ready for his morning run. But what surprised you when walking in was the actual amount of hickies and marks you left over his chest with a few coupled on his neck. 

He turned his head quickly towards you, his blond hair swaying a bit. 

You sheepishly grinned with a shrug, “Oops?” 

[possiblyimbiassed]

The lying liars who lie

Years and years late to the party, I’ve finally gotten my hands on all the DVDs of BBC Sherlock, and I thought it would be fun to watch the extra material carefully, one piece after another, and also listen to at least some of the show makers’ commentary of the episodes. But at this point, after S4 where DVDs seemed to be a constant lying device in general, I tend to look at them with a bit more suspicious eyes...

I still love the show of course, but now that I’ve taken this deep dive into all the special features, I find them a truly hard thing to try to wrap my head around. Even this long after the fact, I’m amazed by the amount of shameless, self-congratulatory BS in the DVDs, where the people involved can’t have enough of complimenting each other and their show, while they skillfully avoid to discuss anything actually meaningful about the plot line. ;) For example, Moffat claims in the S2 DVD that “In fact, you’ll never see a more obsessively authentic version of Sherlock Holmes than this one”. But if we follow their light-hearted commentary, which basically takes the show at face value, I’d call that not just hyperbole, but an outright lie. If you want to see the ‘authentic’ stories from ACD’s work in this show, you’ll definitely need to go much deeper into the subtext and meta levels - neither of which are mentioned on these DVDs of course. Here’s my own (rather subjective) ‘review’ of the whole thing, trying to pinpoint why I view most of the commentary of the show from its own makers as an advanced art of deception. 

(My musings under the cut)

Series 1 - a wealth of extra material

First of all - as many of you probably knew already - the whole of the Unaired Pilot is added to the DVD of S1. In the extra material about the making of the series, they (Sue Vertue, Mofftiss and others) talk about what things they changed between the Pilot and ASiP, claiming that many changes were necessary improvements once they knew that they had a whole series and a lot more time at their disposal. 

Which I can perfectly understand and agree with in general. But I think what’s missing in their discussions is more interesting than what’s actually there (”Mind the gap” ;) ). Things that I would expect from the show makers when they go to the trouble of comparing the pilot version with the aired product. There’s not a word, for example, about the fact that they added both Mycroft and Moriarty to the story in ASiP - two characters who later turn out to play major roles and appear in almost every other episode until the end of TFP. Or about the choice that one of the screenwriters would play Mycroft. 

Neither do they discuss why they chose to relocate the place where Sherlock was challenged by the cabbie from 221B to Roland Kerr’s School of Further Education. Instead they focus on the details, like for example the new design of the interior of 221B.

Not to mention the fact that almost every scene in the Pilot is mirrored in ASiP (as pointed out long ago by @kateis-cakeis X), but at Angelo’s in the Pilot Sherlock follows the events with the cabbie while looking in an actual mirror. I even noticed that in the Pilot the cabbie is offering Sherlock dark-coloured bottles with the pills in them, while in ASiP those bottles are transparent, as if the cabbie is offering Sherlock to play Black or White in the chess game that he is simulating. What’s with all these mirrors, though? Not a word on the DVD... ;)

Now, even though these rather remarkable choices are neglected together with a great bunch of minor ones, I still think that the most interesting fact about all this is that they actually included the whole pilot version within this DVD, which is sold by the franchise. Why even do this, when it raises far more questions than it answers? The only logical reason I can come up with is that they’re laying out a track of little hints that anyone with a deep enough interest in the show to actually buy the DVDs can try to follow. And it seems to me that lying by omission is one of the first steps in the long line of cryptic and misleading author comments on this show. But at the same time, they clearly want the fans to have access to it all, even the abandoned version.

Moving on to Series 2, time for bigger lies 

In the extra material of this DVD Benedict himself describes how his character "faces one of his deadliest enemies in the shape of Love, and it comes in the form of Irene Adler, who is this extraordinary dominatrix [insert here a bunch of superlatives regarding Adler]...”. And then we see how Adler whips Sherlock with a riding crop (without any kind of consent, I have to add) while he’s lying on the floor, and we have Lara Pulver telling us how it was to have a go at Benedict on set. So Holmes whips dead bodies and Adler whips living; seems like a match made in hell! :))

Gatiss claims, grinning with his whole face, that “they’re clearly, absolutely made for each other”. OK, so I think we can see Sherlock being intellectually impressed by Adler, and even trying to protect her from Mycroft, and we can see John acting jealously. We can also see her being dressed and styled as a perfect, female mirror of Sherlock. But I’m still at a loss what all this has to do with love on Sherlock’s part? Especially since he’s not even responding in any fashion to her various attempts at seducing him. 

And there’s more: Paul McGuigan, the director of ASiB, claims that the scene where Sherlock has a conversation with Adler inside his Mind Palace about the crime case with the car that backfires "is a part of a kind of love story, if you like...” No, I don’t. Maybe it’s just me, but if their aim really was to convey to their audience a love story between Sherlock and The Woman, I think they failed miserably. All I see is a guy ’mansplaining’ to a clever woman how to use her brain, while she’s trying to flirt with him by expressing her admiration (to no avail, though) and make deductions at the same time. Nothing new under the sun, really. John did the same thing repeatedly in ASiP (without making own deductions) and got far more attention from Sherlock, but I’ve never heard any of the show makers call that ”a love story”. But by ’lie-splaining’ the scene with Irene to the audience, they try to manipulate us all to see it as such...

In all the direct commentary of this episode, where Steven, Mark, Sue, Benedict and Lara are present, I get the impression that every time they even touch on the relationship between Sherlock and John, they hurry to add the term “friendship” or “man love” or similar words in case they forgot them at first, avoiding even the tiniest possibility that there could be anything more going on between them. They even explain that when Irene calls them “a couple” she does not mean anything romantic. This whole approach feels almost paranoic in the midst of all the laid-back jokes and light-hearted talk about the filming. It’s as if a sort of restrictive, heteronormative filter or blanket is being constantly applied, to teach the audience the ‘no homo’ lesson of it all. And the more I listen to this, the more tiresome it becomes.

In the commentary Moffat does reveal an interesting detail, though: that the ‘Flight of the Dead’ in ASiB was inspired by a cut out scene in the Bond movie On Her Majesty's Secret Service. To me this is just one more reason to question the ‘authentic’ quality of this scene, as opposed to possibly taking place in Sherlock’s Mind Palace. But I digress... 

Listening to the commentary in general, it’s like it’s aimed to distract the attention from what’s going on at the screen rather than highlight it and try to explain their intentions. They do mention that Irene didn’t actually ‘beat’ Sherlock in the end of ASiB, but there’s no explanation of this obvious deviation from canon, where Adler does indeed fool Holmes, taking advantage of his prejudices.

The rest of the extra material of S2 is mostly about technical stuff, special effects and such, and also about filming techniques and Benedict’s delivery of fast deductions. But the part I really do love is the one where Andrew Scott talks about how much he enjoyed playing the scene where Moriarty dances before breaking into the Crown Jewels. That’s one of my favorite scenes of he whole show. :) Also, the takeaway message from this DVD is Moffat’s words at the end: 

“These are still the formative years of Sherlock Holmes, and the most important thing about this series is not that it’s updated; it’s the fact that those two men are still young and they’re still at the beginning of what they don’t yet know is gonna be a lifelong partnership”. 

And then comes Series 3... 

...and its extra material, with the most blatant attempts at deception so far, I believe. At this point Sherlock is called a “psychopath” by both the show’s characters, John’s blog, Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman as if it were true, which is a big deviation from ACD canon. That simply doesn’t happen there; while Holmes is sometimes described as eccentric, no one in the books is ever claiming that Sherlock Holmes has some kind of mental illness leaning towards cruelty and egotism - not even his enemies say this about him. In the show, however, they begin in ASiP with making him torture a dying man for information (something that is not included in the Pilot). And in S3, where they avoid discussing the reason why they turned Mary Morstan into a ruthless assassin, this major shift is glossed over by the fact that in the same episode (HLV) they also turn Sherlock into a murderer, who cold-bloodedly blows the brains out of a blackmailer for threatening to make said assassin’s crimes public. 

But without ever getting into the “why” of it all, the cast and crew seem overly happy and smiling describing these rather morbid choices as something positive; “fantastic”, "fresh and new” and "amazing” are their choice of words. Benedict claims that Mary, who has literally shot and almost killed Sherlock in HLV, is now "a new best friend of Sherlock’s”. Amanda claims that Mary “is protecting John” when she shoots Sherlock in the chest. Now they’re both psychopaths, and poor little John is forced to stomach them both because he’s addicted to danger. In Amanda’s words, Mary also “kind of gets in between the two of them, but she wants them to be together as well”.  Which is a load of BS considering that Mary tries to kill the protagonist of the story.

Lars Mikkelsen thinks it’s “such a good script” because “you’re mislead as an audience”. But he never gets the chance to expand on what the misleading actually contains, because then Mofftiss cut in to express how much they love playing with “what ifs”. As if this whole mega-budget project of a show were just a big experimental playground without any actual story to tell. 

Benedict repeats his line from HLV that Magnussen “preys on people who are different” and Moffat also says he “exploits people who are different”. Which is really confusing, considering what we can see Magnussen actually do in the show. Lady Smallwood and John Garvie are two well-established, powerful governmental politicians whom Magnussen blackmails by finding their respective pressure points. In Garvie’s case his pressure point seems to be alcohol problems in his past, but according to media he’s later arrested on charges of corruption. Lady Smallwood is blackmailed on the basis of her husband having sent compromising letters to a minor many years ago, in spite of later claiming that he thought she was older and stopped when he found out the truth. And then Magnussen is blackmailing an assassin who recently threatened to execute him but shot Sherlock Holmes instead, in order to try to get at Sherlock’s brother Mycroft, another powerful governmental figure. 

But what does media seeking out dirt on certain people in power and their families have to do with “people who are different”? Despicable as the method may be, isn’t this unfortunately how political power play usually works in our society? Or are TPTB somehow a repressed minority group now? Unless this whole “people who are different” accusation is actually about something entirely different, something that none of the show makers even cares to mention... ;)

In these DVDs, none of the involved persons is ever discussing the change of roles with regards to canon, though, or the (lack of) logics in this turn of events, or even a hint about the narrative motivation behind them. It’s all about the great Drama, the extraordinary visual effects and the aim to endlessly “surprise the audience”. Which is fine by me to a certain extent, but when this is all that’s being said, it feels extremely superficial, as if the audience is merely seen as a bunch of consumers that have to be triggered more and more by horror, special effects and cliff hangers to be able to appreciate the show. (“Warm paste” indeed, like Gatiss has later criticized some viewers of wanting...) While the "why”; the idea behind this surrealistic adaptation, made by self-proclaimed fanboys of ACD, is not even touched upon. Around this, the silence is total and therefore totally confusing.

Maybe I shouldn’t even go into Series 4...

...but why not, since I’ve already started? :) 

First of all, there’s a lot of extra material on this DVD and I particularly love the parts about the music and composing and Arwel Wyn Jones’ work with the design and build-up of John’s and Mary’s flat and the interior of 221B. Those bits are truly enjoyable. What I could live without, though, is the leading commentary that kind of instructs us, the audience, how we should interpret the show. 

Benedict is on it again on this DVD, telling us that in TST they picked up where they left off in S3 and “It’s a very happy unit of three people that then become four.” Why does he feel the need to make this statement, considering how S3 ended? Actually, if there’s anything I totally fail to see in S4, it’s happiness. The banter between the three  of them may seem entertaining for a while, but who could have a relaxed, warm relationship with someone who tried and almost succeeded to kill you less than a year ago? Without any sign of remorse? Now there’s a dark tone of discomfort and mean jokes that feels forced and not even a bit happy to me. 

But Martin tells us how excited John and Mary are about starting a family and Amanda mentions how much they’re looking forward to the baby. Again and again it’s repeated, as though trying to rub it in: “they’re in a good place, they’re a loving, married couple”. Yeah, right - a child that (judging by TSoT) wasn’t at all planned and now with an assassin for a mother... Twice we see the new parents complain that their daughter has the mark of Satan on her forehead and debate which horror movie she’s from. The clichéd hypocrisy of it all is sickening, and I’m willing to bet that it’s really meant to be. ;) 

But Gatiss chimes in, deciding for us all that the christening of Rosie is “a funny scene” and “they’re enjoying each other, enjoying being on adventures as a three”.

An interesting detail is that Gatiss also tells us that the working name of this episode was “The Adventure of the Melting power Ranger”. So this little blue guy was that important? :) And - even more interesting - is when he says: “Cake is now the code for violent death”. So how should we interpret Sherlock, John and Molly going out to have cake in TLD then, on Sherlock’s (supposed) birthday? 

These might be jokes, though, but when they tell us that Sue cries every time she sees Mary’s death I strongly believe they must be joking. How could anyone feel truly moved by this overly sentimental long monologue where far more efforts are put into reacting to Mary’s speech than saving her life? And John’s mooing like a cow, is that also moving? :)

One thing Martin says about TLD that actually disgusts me is regarding the morgue scene where John assaults Sherlock and Sherlock lets it happen: “From there, really, their relationship can only sort of rebuild, that’s the absolute worst it can get”. As if outright physical abuse would be something that makes you want to rebuild a relationship? Wow - just wow... How far can they go with this crap?

Anyway, when we finally arrive at the absurdity of TFP and Sherlock’s ‘secret sister’, everything is of course discussed as if she actually does exist on the given premises, and everything she does is ‘real’, no matter how impossible it would be in real life. The abandonment of any attempt to have the story line make logical sense is skillfully covered up by more distraction with fascinating technicalities of the film making process. This is where Gatiss makes his now almost classic statement that after Sherlock and John jump out of the window at 221B when a grenade explodes there, it’s just “Boop! And they’re fine.” 

Of course there’s no serious attempt at explaining this logically. Except perhaps Gatiss claiming that they both landed on Speedy’s awning - whatever good that would do to them, since the awning is leaning downwards, but never mind... But we never even saw that happen, did we? A great deal of time is then dedicated to show all the precautions to have Martin and Ben jumping safely at low level onto a madras supported by empty cardboard boxes.

Sian Brooke did say something interesting about Sherrinford, however, that got me thinking. She said that Eurus “wants revenge for the years and years that she has been held captive” there, isolated, and that in TFP the Holmes children are now “lab rats” and “it’s an experiment”. On a meta level, I think we can indeed see this episode - and maybe the whole show - as a kind of experiment, but maybe we, the audience, are also lab rats? Since Sherrinford is slightly shaped like a film camera (not commented in the extra material, of course), it leads my thought to all the adaptations through the years and years where Holmes and Watson have not been allowed to be together. A whole century when Sherlock Holmes has been held captive, restricted by the very same sort of heteronormative filter that all this extra material imposes; it’s like Sherrinford, isn’t it? Which gives all the more meaning to Moriarty’s arrival to the island, accompanied by Freddy Mercury’s “I want to break free”...

I think I’ll let the final words in this little exposé come from Mark Gatiss in The Writers’ Chat (my bolding):

“Moriarty is a fascinating thing in that in our sea of ongoing lies, one thing we’ve genuinely been completely consistent about is telling people he’s dead. But no-one believes it! And it’s a rather brilliant thing.”  Again - self-congratulatory statements. But instead of providing some actual evidence of the death of this character, who has kept popping up in almost every episode since his supposed demise, they think that the more a confirmed liar repeats something, the truer it gets? And the more we’re supposed to believe them? Well, all we can do is wait and see. :)

Tagging some people who might be interested: 

@raggedyblue​ @ebaeschnbliah​ @sarahthecoat​ @gosherlocked​ @lukessense​ @sagestreet​ @thepersianslipper​

My earlier meta on a similar topic (X)

[kotos-and-smiles]

The meaning of “I”

Chapter 104 spoliers!

Note 1. I’ll still be calling it “I” even though the translators are changing the way they translate it to be “peace,” because that’s what I’m used to calling it for now.

Note 2. Just a fair warning, this is a long post, but hopefully you enjoy!

Okay, I’ve been meaning to start this blog for months now but I’ve had no idea how to just start so here we are. I decided what better way to start off than talking about the newest chapter because there is oh so much to talk about in this one chapter alone. The first thing I really want to talk about from this chapter is the club’s song for nationals “I” or “Peace” as the translators have started calling it. Despite the fact the club has been working on “I” for a lot of chapters now, we still don’t know about the actual meanings and motifs that are in the song or what feelings they’re aiming to put into it. I think we haven’t heard much about this because the club is still trying to figure it out for themselves. Also, I’ve been questioning for a while what type of song Takinami would write for the club, and that was answered in this chapter.

What we do know about the song is that it has the 4-person part with Chika, Kota, Momoya, and Yoshinaga, a part where all 9 of the club members play together, a part where melodies played by Chika and Satowa and then Takezo and Hiro will intertwine, and everyone has a solo. It’s also been emphasized over and over that all 9 people are needed to play the song. Takinami has only given his usual vague hints as to what meaning he put into the song, because like always he wants the club to figure it out for themselves. Until we get to ch.104, in which Chika interprets it in such the opposite way of how Takinami meant it that Takinami finally feels the need to give him a hint as to what the song means (and thank god, because I really don’t think that poor Chika would’ve gotten it at all otherwise).

In chapter 104, we learn that “I” is actually a piece that can be played with any amount of the 9 parts and still be a full song. This is a huge deal, and honestly blew my mind when I first read it. Takinami has specifically pushed the idea that everyone needs to be there to play this song, knowing full well that in actuality the song would be complete no matter how many people played it. Everyone is still essential in his eyes because the point is the desire to play with everyone and the importance each member holds to each other. Takinami even brings up the conversation he and Chika had before Ku-on, showing just how huge of an impact the whole situation with Ku-on had on Takinami. With the performance of Ku-on, he saw what this group was really made of and what they were capable of, even in less than ideal circumstances they pulled through an intensely emotional performance. Takinami finally found a sound he couldn’t ignore. The conversation Takinami and Chika have in ch.25, when Takinami tells Chika he shouldn’t perform and Chika responds that he really enjoys playing with everyone, that sentiment made it into “I.” Except now, the tables are turned and instead Chika still desperately wants to play, but absolutely will not if it means no one else gets to and thinks that he won’t be able to, and Takinami has taken a complete 180 on what his stance was during Ku-on. Unlike in Ku-on, Chika is, in a way, trying to drop out, and now Takinami is the one telling Chika to stay and play. I honestly love this whole conversation between them, I love how Takinami gets pissed at Chika for even thinking about withdrawing from the club, I love that he points out that Chika is only 16 and does not have to take everything on himself, it’s just so great and just what I was hoping for: someone to knock some sense into Chika.

Anyway, then Takinami gives us the first hint as to what he intended “I” to mean. To paraphrase “Stop focusing only on what the others mean to you, and begin to think about what you mean to them.” This is something that pretty much everyone in the club has a problem with. They care about each other so much, will stand up for each other, but they don’t think about the fact that all the others care about them just as much. Takinami is trying to shift the focus from “these people are important to me” to “what do I mean to them?” hoping that these oblivious teens will someday get it. This works for so many of the characters.

Firstly, let’s talk about Takezo. He’s been club president from the beginning, and he’s always been a great one but has really come into his own. I think everyone sees him as an amazing club president, a leader that holds them together and believes in all of them as a whole and individually. He doesn’t see himself that way. Takezo has the opening notes of “I”, it all starts with him just how the entire club was brought together by him. He’s explicitly stated that he sometimes wishes that someone like Satowa could begin the song because he’s worried about the fact that his is the first sound in the song. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to give a strong enough opening because he still sees himself as a bit inadequate. But how does the rest of the club see him? They see him as this strong club president, someone who’s always been there as the foundation, so why shouldn’t he be able to start the song and be it’s foundation throughout? So, it would help Takezo if he saw himself the way the rest of the club does, because then he’ll realize just what he means to them and hopefully see what they do in himself.

With Momoya, Takinami made a big deal about the fact that he needed to want to play with the club, and that he had to want it for himself. This ties back to the conversation before Ku-on that Takinami has weaved through “I”. But it was also important for Momoya to take up an identity with his sound, to decide to be something, and own up to being someone with a mutable sound. He can fit in, but it all needs to be his choice. Momoya has also never thought about what he means to the club, and they keep surprising him with how friendly they are and how much they care about him. They just want him to be himself and stay in the club. Hopefully he starts realizing that soon.

If there’s one thing that Chika is truly terrible at it’s realizing his worth, both with himself and with other people. As Tetsuki says in ch.99.5 “I bet Chika never thought that he himself could be thought of dearly by somebody else.” Chika still definitely struggles with that. He has no problem letting everyone else know how much they’re cared for, how much they’re valued, but when it comes to himself, he still doesn’t see how he could be a person someone thinks of as dear. He still sometimes gets surprised by little acts of caring. With all this stuff with Uzuki going on, he’s more worried about the wellbeing of the club, meanwhile all the members are more worried about him than the state of the club. I think that’s almost incomprehensible to Chika, and yet it’s there, and in the next chapter it will hopefully come through loud and clear just how much they all care about him, but especially Satowa as she literally won’t let him do this alone.

Satowa, too, is terrible at realizing how much she means to people, as shown by the fact that Chika and the others literally have to spell it out for her sometimes. She doesn’t like being a burden, she doesn’t want to do anything that would disrupt or upset their lives. But she doesn’t really see how much those people care about her and that when you care about someone like that it isn’t a burden. Satowa’s self-worth is low, at least in some areas, and she always puts the club over her own desires or feelings due to having hurt people before, specifically her mother. Hiro even tells her in Ch.92 that the club can withstand whatever emotions she decides to express, but Satowa doubts that. Satowa, much like Chika, needs to come to the realization that people care more about her than they do the club, and again, thinking of herself from the perspective of how much the other’s care could help her realize this and her place in the club.  

Chika and Satowa both are afraid of being selfish, they don’t want to come off as selfish and they want to put other’s first, but their own feelings realistically get in the way of them being entirely selfless. As Granny says to Chika in ch.77, you have to cherish yourself to be able to give to others and it’s important to think about yourself so that you can have a life you’re happy with. So, both he and Satowa need to start thinking of themselves in a more positive way instead of thinking it’s selfish, which could be helped if they looked at how other’s care about them, which is what “I” is all  about.

Now let’s talk about these two intertwining melodies, one of which will be played by Chika and Satowa and the other by Takezo and Hiro, the section Takinami seems to have set aside for the oblivious lovebirds. Takezo and Hiro have each realized, on their own, that they’re in love with each other, and yet haven’t made the connection that the other feels the same way. Part of this is preservation of the club, but seriously how do you not realize? With Satowa and Chika, it’s even more complicated, and I plan to make a full post about it, but they certainly have never really thought about how the other must feel about them. Later on in the chapter, after Chika’s conversation with Takinami, Chika literally asks Satowa what she thinks of him. Not only did Chika take in what Takinami had to say, in the only way he’d listen which is through koto song terms, he thought about it while he was having lunch with Satowa and was trying to ask her a very important question about it before they were so rudely interrupted by the reminder of just how insane Uzuki is.

I think especially for Chika, Satowa, and Takezo, (who I look at as the main trio) this message of realizing who you are to the people around you is a huge part of their journey. They all need to stop denying themselves their own feelings, which is basically what Takinami was trying to tell them with “I.”

So, I seriously wondered for a while what kind of song Takinami had written for these kids. What better meaning could it have than pushing these people to realize just how much they mean to each other and start focusing on how those they care about see them, not just the other way around? Especially for Takinami, who puts up with a lot but ultimately wants to help these kids and believes in them.

I’m really glad he gave Chika the hint though, because I truly do not believe these kids would’ve gotten what “I” is about if he hadn’t given them that push considering they all avoid thinking about how the other’s must care about them, some of them I think are even afraid to think of it. It’s so perfect and I’m so excited to see where they go with it.  

ps. I’m new to posting and stuff, so please be kind.

[whumpmatsus]

Hi! 👋 Two things! First, a fic request (again Ichimatsu whump because I'm sorry but I have to): Ichimatsu takes a hit meant for one of his brothers (be it accidental or on purpose) and is pretty badly injured. Cue the rest of the Matsu Bros. to the rescue!

And second, um...would you be okay with it if, let's just say hypothetically, I made fan art of some of these fics? 😺

FIRST OF ALL thank you for this because it's LITERALLY the longest thing I've written on this blog so far!! so I hope u enjoy it fully uwu

Matsu Bros plus a cameo by Mama Matsu!! <3

second... YESSSS THAT IS ALWAYS DEFINITELY OKAY!!! aaaaaaa you flatter me <3 <3 <3

-

When Ichimatsu first wakes up in the hospital, he doesn’t remember why he’s here. Hell, he barely even remembers who he is.

All he really knows initially is that he’s in a lot of pain. It hurts to breathe, his face is kind of numb in spots, and his leg feels weirdly positioned, plus heavy and uncomfortable. His shoulder feels kind of sore… as does his wrist.

There’s also some strange fog drifting around his mind that’s making it difficult to really focus on anything.

He feels a hand in his own. Not very tight… he thinks it’s someone giving just enough pressure to let him know they’re here. That he’s not alone. That’s comforting, he thinks.

Then he starts to remember things.

He was out walking with some of the others; Karamatsu and maybe Totty? What they were doing is a little fuzzy and isn’t coming to him instantly. He just recalls they were together, walking on the sidewalk. They came to a crosswalk and waited their turn. Karamatsu, as the eldest out of the three, stepped forward first to cross.

Ichimatsu thinks Karamatsu’s intention was that he would hold Totty’s hand to keep the youngest safe while they crossed, and Ichimatsu could follow after them. He doesn’t believe Totty had any objections.

They waited. They followed all the rules they were supposed to. The crosswalk light told them they were allowed to go.

It was someone else who broke the rules, tearing through a stop sign, the car headed right for his brothers. He… thinks he remembers Totty had only just come forward to grab Karamatsu’s hand, so he wasn’t quite there yet. Karamatsu was the one in the most danger.

He doesn’t remember much else. Running forward, pushing his baby brother behind him and yelling for his big brother to move.Then an impact. A lot of pain. Black and nothingness and warmth.

Now he’s awake. Putting the pieces together, he’s pretty sure he shoved Karamatsu forward and ended up getting hit by that car.

He thinks, in his haze, that the car should have hit Karamatsu, because he was the one who went first, because things happened so fast. But he’s glad it didn’t happen that way.

A couple groans catch the attention of whoever’s in the room, and he gets a squeeze to the hand. “Ichimatsu? Honey? Are you awake?”

“Mmh…” It hurts a little to move his head. He does it anyway, getting a glimpse of his mother. “… Mom…?”

It looks like she’s smiling… relieved, maybe. “Yes! Yes, my sweet boy, Mama is here.” She reaches her free hand over to gently stroke his hair. It feels nice. “Thank goodness. How do you feel?”

He closes his eyes. “I hurt.”

“Well, I should hope so! I’d be worried if you weren’t in a lot of pain right now. Do you remember what happened?”

Although he tries to move around, it’s difficult simply because it’s so painful. “Uh, yeah, kind of… I got… hit by a car, right? ― H… hey… Karamatsu and Totty… where are they? Are they okay?”

“Yes, dear, they’re both fine. Karamatsu has a couple of scrapes, but nothing serious. You, on the other hand, are lucky, young man. You’ve got a broken leg, a couple of broken ribs, and a broken wrist. You did have a dislocated shoulder, but they got that back into place. The doctor said it could have been much worse. She said you got off easy compared to some people who get hit by a car.”

She combs his bangs back in a way that mitigates any anger or frustration in her next words. “What were you thinking?”

“The car was coming for Karamatsu…” He frowns as the memory surfaces again, in slightly better detail. Damn. “… And Totty didn’t see it… he was gonna step out, too…”

Everything seemed to happen so fast. How the hell did he manage to get his older brother out of the way and keep his younger brother out of the way when everything happened so fast?

Matsuyo sighs and continues stroking his hair. “Oh, I know… they were both in tears when we all arrived. Totty was inconsolable… saying that Karamatsu would be dead if you hadn’t run forward and that he thought you were dead because you weren’t responding. I should be mad that you scared your brothers… but…”

She leans forward to kiss his forehead. “… You did a brave thing, Ichimatsu. Mama is very proud of you. I just don’t like any of you boys hurt… if you’re inclined to do this again, pull the other person back instead of taking their place. You silly boy,” she adds with an affectionate smile.

“Hah…” he laughs weakly, wincing at the pain in his chest. “Sorry, Mom. Everything hurts… I wanna go home.”

“Mhm, they’ll probably let you go pretty soon now that you’re awake. That’s the main thing they were waiting for, I think.” She moves her hand down to pat lightly at his forearm.

“Don’t worry. You’ll be home before you know it, and your family will take good care of you.”

-

Coming home is kind of weird.

Ichimatsu can’t really walk on his own. Since his leg is broken, the doctor gave him a crutch that he can use with his good hand, but it’s an awkward movement and leaves him feeling unbalanced. It’s just easier to lean on one of his brothers to walk ― in this case, Choromatsu has volunteered to help if Ichimatsu needs to walk somewhere. Though… he gets the feeling that the others would be more than happy to volunteer if the third eldest were somehow busy when he needs to get up.

Every motion, from sitting up to reaching for things to just breathing, is painful thanks to the broken ribs. There’s nothing that can really be done for those, so he’s evidently got to just suffer. He remembers the doctor saying they should feel quite a bit better in a couple of weeks. Most of this is going to take a month or more to fully heal, which is… according to Osomatsu, a ‘major boner-killer’.

Sitting around doing nothing but being in pain is going to be the end of Ichimatsu. He’s sure of that. He can’t go outside to feed the cats, and it’s difficult to cuddle with them inside with all his injuries. That alone is pretty depressing.

The pain medication they sent him home with is also a little frustrating. The first time he takes it, it makes him so tired he sleeps right through dinner.

He falls asleep on the couch in the spare room, he knows, because it’s where he has to be set up for now. There’s noway he can sleep in the futon with everyone else while he tries to heal; that runs the risk of running into someone, or having one of his brothers accidentally run into him.

His leg’s in a cast and his wrist is in a splint, to protect them as they fix themselves, but if those areas have someone roll onto them, it’ll probably result in more damage. Which means more pain and more time added to his recovery.

It’s apparently a bad idea to sleep on the couch. When he wakes up, everything is sore and screaming in pain. Justified, unfortunately, since he fell asleep in the same position he was relaxing in.

Someone else… is here? There’s something warm pressed up against his side.

He glances over to find that he’s evidently been resting on Karamatsu’s shoulder, likely for a while given that Karamatsu’s eyes are closed too. It looks dark out, and Ichimatsu’s foggy mind busies itself wondering what time it is.

There’s a soft chuckle beside him, and looking over reveals one of his big brother’s eyes is cracked open now. It’s swiftly followed by the other one, then the sudden absence of a pressure around his shoulder makes him aware that Karamatsu had an arm around him. “Awake, hm?”

“Yeah…” He tries to stretch, stopped short when a jolting pain in his chest reminds him that it’s definitely a bad idea. “Oww. I don’t even remember falling asleep.”

“That’s alright. You started to get a bit drowsy about half an hour after Osomatsu-nii-san gave you your medicine. We saved you a plate from dinner, though, if you want me to go warm it up.”

Ichimatsu blinks. “I slept through dinner?? Shit. How late is it right now?”

His brother shifts a bit more to take out his phone. “Hm… a bit after midnight.”

“Midnight?” Well, fuck. Although he can justify an hour nap or so, he’s just slept like six hours. He missed dinner, he missed going to the bathhouse, he missed maybe a game of cards before bed.

Karamatsu laughs again, his hand tousling Ichimatsu’s hair fondly. “That’s right, my brother. Don’t worry. Osomatsu-nii-san said fatigue is a side effect of your medicine, and your body needs sleep right now, anyway. So, are you hungry? Mommy made soba and yakitori for dinner, but if you’d rather have something else, just say the word. Your wish is my command!”

Honestly… he’s not really that hungry. He knows he should probably eat; his stomach is just trying to tell him not to have anything heavy. Another side effect of the medication, maybe. “Are you… sure? I kind of just feel like plain miso and rice. Other stuff doesn’t sound good.”

“Of course! I’d be delighted to go heat some up. You simply rest and I’ll…” When he goes to stand up, something catches Ichimatsu’s eye, and he grabs his brother’s hand, weakly, with his own injured one. It’s painful, but…

Karamatsu’s eyes focus on his younger brother, brows furrowing. “Ichimatsu? What’s the matter?”

It’s… that cut on Karamatsu’s face. Ichimatsu didn’t notice it before. Now that he’s a bit more alert, it’s practically all he can see. It’s not very big, maybe the length of one of their little fingers, and not deep. It looks like a scrape from falling off one’s bike or something. He thinks maybe it had a bandage on it at one point. The color has faded into something dull; the skin around is still bright pink, though, suggesting that it’s irritated despite not being cut.

His gaze shifts down to find similar wounds on Karamatsu’s hands. On the palms, where he probably got a sort of road rash when he tried to catch himself after Ichimatsu pushed him out of the way.

His own wrist protests with a violent throb as he reaches to let his fingers graze lightly over Karamatsu’s wrist. Image after image of what might have happened to him if Ichimatsu wasn’t fast enough comes unbidden into his head. Karamatsu could be the one with a broken leg or broken ribs, or it could have been worse.

“Y… you’re okay… right?” As soon as those words are out of his mouth, tears start spilling. All at once he’s pulled into a hug, loose fists resting against his back. He can’t stop himself from leaning in, pressing his face against Karamatsu’s shoulder.

He can feel the soft rumble of mirthless laughter his big brother gives. “You’re the one who was hurt, Ichimatsu. I’m only okay because of you. If you hadn’t seen… I wasn’t paying attention…”

The words, “It should have been me”, hang heavily in the air even though Karamatsu doesn’t say them.

He brushes a delicate kiss over the side of his little brother’s forehead. “Heh… you would have been a better big brother than me. You kept us all safe when I failed. You probably saved my life, you know. Thank you.”

Ichimatsu isn’t sure why it’s now that the full weight of everything has hit him. Now, when he’s home and out of danger, when everything is okay. Shouldn’t he have been falling apart when he first woke up in the hospital? It shouldn’t have taken seeing Karamatsu’s small injuries to remind him that they all could have died when he’s the one in a cast.

It’s hard to keep himself together, to keep his breathing normal so he doesn’t completely go to pieces. (Though, if he did, what better place to do so than in his older brother’s arms?) “… You’d do the same for me, right? So it’s only fair.”

“I would,” Karamatsu hums. “Without a second thought. You’re my little brother and I love you very much and if I could save you from being hurt, I would. I’m… sorry I was so careless that I couldn’t do it this time.”

Ichimatsu grunts, slipping his good arm around Karamatsu’s waist in an effort to be closer. “Don’t feel too bad. The next car’ll be yours.”

-

After eating as much as he feels like he can, Ichimatsu allows Karamatsu to help transfer him to the floor. It’s already set up with a spare futon, a blanket, and a pillow, probably because someone guessed that sleeping on the sofa wouldn’t be comfortable.

He’s still in so much pain. The shoulder that was reduced back into place aches like an old war wound, and his chest is sore even when he’s lying still. To say nothing of his wrist and his leg. His whole body feels like one giant bruise, except worse.

Although Karamatsu insists he’d be just fine to stand guard all night, after a few minutes Choromatsu comes in and sends him back to the bedroom. Ichimatsu doesn’t hear too much of the conversation ― mostly whispers that Karamatsu needs to go get some sleep, that Choromatsu is glad to take a turn.

Soon enough, though, Karamatsu relents and comes to tell Ichimatsu goodnight before he leaves the room. Ichimatsu gets one more kiss on the head and a reassuring squeeze to his good hand and exchanges another round of “I love you”s with his brother, then heads into the bedroom.

Choromatsu came prepared, setting his own pillow up on the couch and tossing a blanket at the end just in case he needs it. “So… how are you feeling, Ichimatsu?”

“Mm… like crap, kinda.” He looks over to where his brother is trying to get settled in. “I can’t believe I slept six hours and I’m still tired. What kind of shit did they put me on?”

“Hah… y-yeah, it’s the good stuff, probably. Is it at least helping the pain a little?”

“A little. Like Mom said before we left the hospital, I… guess it’d be more worrying if I wasn’t in pain right now. I did get hit by a car.”

Choromatsu leans forward and places a cautious hand on his little brother’s head. Once that earns him no punishment, he gingerly combs through Ichimatsu’s hair. It certainly feels relaxing. “You sure did. I… I can’t believe you kept both Karamatsu and Totty safe. Adrenaline’s a… a weird thing, huh? I’m glad you’re all okay. Hopefully the pain medicine will work better once you’ve had a few doses.”

“Mh. I hope so.”

“Yeah. For now, just, uh… just try to get some more sleep, okay? Your body needs a lot of rest while you’re healing.”

Yep, that’s what Karamatsu said, too. Two of his brothers saying the same thing can’t be wrong. … Well, they could be, but it would be weird. “I’ll try. Thanks for… being here. I dunno that I’d really want to sleep alone for the whole night. Guess Totty’s rubbing off on me.”

A low chuckle leaves Choromatsu as Ichimatsu closes his eyes. The sound of rustling suggests that his older brother has laid down and pulled a blanket over himself as well.

After a moment of quiet between them, Ichimatsu becomes keenly aware of a sensation that definitely isn’t going to allow him to sleep. “Uuuugh. Shit.”

“Huh?” Choromatsu is sitting up in an instant, ready to practically spring out of his skin. “What’s wrong, Ichimatsu?”

“― My leg itches.”

“O-oh. So… scratch it??”

He throws his head back in frustration. “No, the one with the Goddamn cast on it.”

“Ohhh. Okay, uh, well…” Choromatsu gets up and rummages through one of the drawers for a few seconds.

After that, a pencil is pressed into Ichimatsu’s good hand with a smile. “Here, try this. Stick the eraser end down in the little space between your leg and the cast, then keep moving it. If the itch is high enough up, it should help.”

Ichimatsu raises an eyebrow at the advice. Well. What’s he got to lose, after all? He spends a moment trying to get the itch scratched after slipping the pencil down, and finally he sighs in relief. “Fuck, that’s a lot better. How’d you know that was gonna work?”

Choromatsu grins self-consciously, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Ah, well… remember when I broke my arm? When I went for my checkup, I had this itch inside the cast that was driving me nuts. So the nurse showed me this trick. It doesn’t always work, but…”

“Huh… well… thanks.” After everything, he’s just really tired and ready to sleep now. He would cross his fingers that nothing else disturbs him if he felt like moving at all.

“Heh, no problem. All good now?”

“I think so.” When he sees his brother straighten up to head back to the couch, his brain evidently thinks it’s good to say something. “H… hey. Choromatsu?”

Choromatsu looks back down, concern etched on his features. “Ah, yeah? What’s up?”

His heart is hammering so fast it feels like it’s trying to break more of his ribs. He doesn’t really want to embarrass himself. It’s just… he feels… “Can you… can you… stay for a minute? Down here?”

“Oh… yeah, sure. I can’t stay too long… I-I can’t sleep next to you. I might accidentally hurt you.” Even so, he lowers himself back down, sitting cross-legged and reaching to stroke Ichimatsu’s hair.

He nods. That’s part of the problem. Even though he normally wouldn’t have much complaint about being left to his own devices… he’s used to sleeping next to his brothers. Right on the end beside Karamatsu. When he’s not feeling well, being absent from them is apparently not doing him any favors. “I know. It’s just…”

His eyes drift closed once more. It must be the medicine making him feel out of it and way too honest. “… I think I’m gonna get lonely sleeping like this.”

“O-oh… gosh.” He can practically hear the frown in Choromatsu’s voice. The other man’s hand combs through his hair, a rhythmic and repetitive motion that makes him sleepy again. “I can probably… sleep like this, propped up against the couch. Is that okay?”

“Mmmh… I don’t want you to have to do that… you’ll make your back sore.”

He chuckles. “Ah, I-I think I can handle it. Even if that’s true, it’d be worth it to me so you don’t have to feel lonely. It’s the least I can do for my little brother.”

“I can’t stop you,” Ichimatsu mumbles. Sleep is scrabbling its tiny, strong fingers at him, trying to pull him down. It’s getting hard to resist. “If you want…”

“Yeah… yeah, I wanna do this for you.” Choromatsu leans down to press a small kiss to the top of Ichimatsu’s head. “Hey. Love you, Ichimacchan. Try to get some rest, okay?”

He doesn’t have to tell Ichimatsu twice. Within a minute of Choromatsu’s urging, he’s fallen back into a peaceful darkness.

-

When Ichimatsu wakes up the next morning, Choromatsu’s presence has been replaced by Jyushimatsu’s.

As much as he loves his immediate older brother, he doesn’t have any complaints. He and Jyushimatsu are very close, and his younger brother being here is pretty soothing to wake up to.

He’s uncharacteristically quiet, though that’s not to say he isn’t his usual energetic self. He appears to be flipping through baseball cards, maybe organizing them in his little album, humming to himself. There’s also one hand free to play with Ichimatsu’s hair, which he supposes is why he still feels relaxed.

“Hey, Jyushi.” His body reminds him why stretching is a bad idea right now, so he settles for arching his back a little in an effort to make something pop. Everything is sore. Even that little bit of movement hurts his ribs enough that he has trouble catching his breath for a minute. “Fuck… morning.”

“Oh! Yeah, it is morning!” Jyushimatsu is chipper as always, though when he leans in for a hug, he’s surprisingly gentle. “How’d you sleep, Ichimatsu-nii-san?”

“Okay, I guess. I still hurt a bunch.”

“Yeahhhh, you were crying in your sleep! But it’s okay! Because guess what? Jyushi is here!” He grins, nuzzling his cheek against Ichimatsu’s. It’s a bit weird, but par for the course as far as Jyushimatsu is concerned. Besides, the hug is nice after the fear of being lonely last night. “Did you have nightmares, huh?”

Now that he mentions it… yep. Ichimatsu’s dreams, or what he remembers of them, were filled with horrible things. The memory of being hit by the car, or the images of either Karamatsu or Totty being hit because he wasn’t fast enough.

He recalls one piece of a dream which involved looking into his own chest and seeing the end of a fractured rib shatter his glass heart.

A shudder runs through his body, prompting Jyushimatsu to tighten his grip just slightly. “Oh, you’re cold! It’s past breakfast, ‘cause you slept for a really long time, but I’ll go get you some tea!! Sound good?”

Given that his appetite hasn’t come back from war, that sounds better than anything else. Though he did manage to choke down that rice and miso last night, he’s not sure if he wants to eat even anything bland. “Yeah, sounds good. Put just a little bit of agave syrup in it for me?”

“Yeah! Anything for Ichimatsu-nii-san! Be right back, okay?”

With Jyushimatsu, ‘be right back’ is typically how it goes. He’s only gone for a few minutes, or at least it only seems like a few minutes.

Regardless, Ichimatsu has a cup of tea in his hand relatively quickly. Almost as if his brother predicted that it would be difficult to hold something very hot with only one hand, the tea is warm, not boiling hot.

It’s easier to balance it with one hand, plus this means it’s pretty much the perfect temperature to drink. As he starts to sip it, he feels Jyushimatsu’s hand, covered entirely by his sleeve, rubbing affectionately between his shoulder blades. “It’s good, huh?”

He swallows and gives the other a nod. “Yeah, pretty good. Thanks.” Thankfully, it should wake him up, too. He’s still feeling kind of groggy.

“Good!! Osomatsu-nii-san said he’s gonna give you your medicine in a minute, since I told him you were up and hurting.” Jyushimatsu shoves his binder of cards away, shifting up to sit on the sofa. “Do you want me to move you up here after you’re done drinking?”

“Probably, yeah. You got anything you wanna do today?” Another sip, and he sighs in relief feeling the warmth flow through him. Damn.He can’t believe he could take something as simple as a cup of tea in the morning for granted. “I can’t really help with baseball practice… but we could watch TV together or something.”

“Sure! We can watch whatever you want!” After only a few seconds, Jyushimatsu wiggles himself back down and leans against his big brother’s shoulder. “Hey, Ichimatsu-nii-san… I’m really glad you’re okay. Even though you’re hurt and everything, you’re home with us instead of… being not home with us!”

The least he can do is let his head rest gently against Jyushimatsu’s. “Yeah… I’m glad I’m home, too. Don’t think I’d rather be anywhere else.”

Jyushimatsu nods eagerly, making a brief, dull wave of pain wash through Ichimatsu. However, he’d rather have that pain than not have his little brother close. “We’ll take really good care of you! Just say if you need anything, okay? I’m really strong and I can get anything! … And if I can’t, Osomatsu-nii-san probably can!”

“Heh.” Ichimatsu takes another gulp of his tea. “You guys are the best.”

-

True to Jyushimatsu’s word, Osomatsu is in pretty soon to give Ichimatsu the painkillers. For whatever reason, even when he can’t be trusted with literally anything else, the eldest is pretty good at monitoring medicine when one of the others needs it.

All things being equal, Ichimatsu has a lot of faith in taking medicine when Osomatsu keeps track of it. He knows how much was dispensed, how many Ichimatsu is supposed to take and how often, how many are left, and all the related things. He’s like some kind of idiot savant who was put on Earth to be a pill counter.

After he takes it, he expects to start getting tired again, so he silently begs Osomatsu to stay on the couch with him. They’re all supposed to be hanging out anyway, based on what Jyushimatsu said, so right now he decides he wants to be close to his oldest brother for a little bit.

Osomatsu seems all too happy to oblige, snuggling Ichimatsu as close as he dares to. It’s probably not a good idea to use normal force, so the touches are… lighter than usual. It’s not so bad.

He settles in on Osomatsu’s shoulder, trying to get his eyes to focus on the show Jyushimatsu turned it to for him. It’s kind of unfortunate that he’s almost certainly going to fall asleep on it. “You guys are taking really good care of me,” he sighs, letting his eyes slip closed. “You want my allowance? Or, like… a bag of sardines?”

Osomatsu snorts. “What? You’re nuts, man. We’re taking care of you because we want to and because you need it. I mean, if I was sitting here with a broken leg, a broken wrist, broken ribs, and had to have my shoulder cherry popped back into place, wouldn’t you all be like, ‘Wow, maybe we should give the poor bastard a hand’? We’re just doing the same thing for you that we’d do for any one of us.”

Ichimatsu huffs. “Yeah, well… you’re all doing a lot. Karamatsu went in the kitchen past midnight to make me miso and rice, Choromatsu probably fucked up his back sleeping against the couch so I wouldn’t be lonely, Jyushi’s waiting on me, and you’ve got my medicine on a damn schedule or something.”

“Yeah, well,” Osomatsu grins, “I can’t leave it up to you, crackhead.”

He can’t help but chuckle at that. Even so, it’s not going to make him totally drop this. “I’m serious. You guys are…”

Osomatsu nudges him carefully. “We’re being brothers, you boner. I know we suck at showing it sometimes, but… you know we all love each other, right? I guess it’s easier to show it when one of us is sick or hurt. Just so happens you’re the hurt one right now. And also your ass is on painkillers, so everything seems weird to you.”

… Okay, so maybe he can’t fault that logic. Still, though.

They’re both quiet for a long moment while they watch the screen, then Osomatsu lets out a soft hum. “You did good, you know. I don’t like that you tried to get yourself killed, but you did good.”

“I wasn’t trying to get myself killed,” Ichimatsu retorts with the nastiest facial expression he can muster right now. “I didn’t wanna get hit, either. But Karamatsu and Totty weren’t paying attention… I didn’t want them to get hit. I was trying to get us all out of that way… I just wasn’t fast enough.”

Osomatsu scoffs before reaching his hand up to ruffle Ichimatsu’s hair. He appears to be getting a lot of pets like that lately, not that he’s complaining. It feels really good and is one of the biggest comforts he has right now. “You protected them, anyway. I can’t say too much, because you didn’t do anything I wouldn’t have done if it were me.”

Ichimatsu offers a low, mocking wail. “Oh, shit. I’m turning into you. I think I’d rather be a cat. If I were a really bratty cat, you’d still be nice enough to feed me sardines and scratch behind my ears, right?”

“Uhhhh, I guess. You’re changing the subject, you dick.” A small puff of laughter makes his bangs move. “I just… wanna say I really respect you, man. Sometimes I remember the days when you would kick Karamatsu in the leg just for breathing the wrong way. And when you used to blow Totty off to hang with your friends in high school.”

He gets a shrug in response. “People change. We’ve all changed a lot.”

“Yeah, sure. I know.” His arm shifts down and he squeezes Ichimatsu’s good hand in that reassuring, proud way only an older sibling can. “They haven’t all been good changes. But seeing you trying to keep the others safe… that’s a a good change. Just gotta give you your props, Ichimacchan.”

He’s too tired to really argue with Osomatsu. Despite the fact that he knows he’s the shittiest of them all, he has to at least silently acknowledge that what he did prevented one of his older brothers and his baby brother from being in the same pain he’s in right now.

Instead of saying anything meaningful, he just presses himself in more against Osomatsu and mutters, “That’s nice. I’m tired.”

Osomatsu snorts and Ichimatsu feels a light kiss on top of his head. “Alright, dumbass, get some sleep. The pills are probably kicking in. Let me know if you need anything.”

Ichimatsu thinks that, right now, all he needs is his big brother to be the perfect pillow, and he’s doing a pretty good job of that.

-

Although it’s not dark at all the next time Ichimatsu wakes up, it’s significantly later than he meant to sleep. 3 P.M., meaning that once again he’s slept through a meal ― lunch, this time.

Just like last night, he finds that he’s not really all that hungry. Even so, it might be a good idea to eat, so probably he ask Osomatsu to get him something small.

When he shifts and looks over, though, Osomatsu isn’t there anymore. Instead, there’s Totty…

… Oh.

He’s holding onto Ichimatsu pretty tight. Ichimatsu isn’t sure he can move too much with the way Totty is holding him.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Totty? Everything okay?”

His little brother stiffens, wide eyes suddenly turning up to look at him. Unlike what he noticed about Karamatsu, Totty doesn’t have any physical injuries, but… the skin around his eyes is red and puffy. “Y… yeah, it’s all good. Sorry, am I hurting you?”

“No… not really hurting.” He doesn’t remember having seen Totty too much after everything happened. He visited Ichimatsu in the hospital, all teary-eyed and not talking, before they were all allowed to take him home. Once he got home, though, he can’t recall Totty being around a lot even though everyone else was.

He assumed Totty was freaked out after everything and avoiding him just because he’s emotional right now. Seems Ichimatsu was right about that.

He maneuvers his good arm to put it around Totty’s shoulders, pulling him in closer. “Have you been crying? You sure you’re okay?”

Totty sniffles and dips his head down. “Yeah, sorry… I just…”

“Don’t be sorry, dumbass.” Even though it hurts a little to move so much, Ichimatsu cuddles his brother in against him. “It’s fine, you big crybaby. I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”

“I should be the one making sure you’re okay.” Regardless, Totty nestles in, tucking his head under Ichimatsu’s chin. It’s a bit of a weight on his hurt ribs, but it’s not that bad. “… H-hey. I, um. You know. I… I love you.”

Huh. It’s been a while since Totty has said that point-blank to any of his brothers, Ichimatsu thinks. It’s kind of nice to hear. He closes his eyes and offers an appreciative hum. “I love you, too. That it?”

Totty lets out a frustrated sigh, and Ichimatsu can just imagine the pout he has on his face. Kinda cute. He can’t really help himself; the youngest is always gonna be the baby, always gonna be adorable, even when he’s acting like a little bitch or if he wants to deny it. “I wanted to… say I’m sorry.”

“For…?”

“For… everything! Y-you know, for almost getting hit and… I mean, you got hurt trying to protect me and Karamatsu! If I hadn’t tried to follow him without even looking… you wouldn’t have had to worry about me. And… and I haven’t been with you too much since you got home…”

He nuzzles his head against Ichimatsu’s collarbone, kneading his hand against the top of his brother’s good leg. “I’m sorry about that. It’s just… I’ve been… really upset. It was scary, seeing the car hit you…”

The hum Ichimatsu gives this time is lower, pensive and understanding. “Yeah. Mom said you were crying a lot when she got to the hospital. ‘S okay to be kinda freaked out, you know.”

“Yeah, I know… and I was… am.I was scared the whole time… Karamatsu tried to wake you up, but you were just lying there and you wouldn’t…” Totty sniffles and his hand curls into a weak fist against Ichimatsu’s knee. “I didn’t wanna lose you, Ichimatsu-nii-san, and I was really afraid you were gone. I’m happy you’re okay… I just… I-I was pretty sure I was gonna cry the first time I tried to take care of you, so I… wanted to be alone with you. Crying in front of all you guys is…”

Ichimatsu nods to quiet his brother, ghosting a kiss over the top of Totty’s head. “I get it. It’s okay, Totty. C’mere, okay… you don’t have to be sorry for being freaked out and not wanting to cry and all that shit. I’m sure Karamatsu’s freaked out, too. And everyone else. Don’t apologize for your feelings, stupid.”

An indignant huff is the response he gets, before Totty presses in against Ichimatsu’s uninjured shoulder. “It just makes me think a lot,” he finally confesses.

Ichimatsu smirks. “Right. And you’re so out of practice with thinking, it’s hard. I know.”

“Th-that’s not it, you jerk!” Totty whines and brings his arms in, curled against his chest. His knees come up onto the couch, folded under him, as he tries to get comfortable. “It makes me think… anything could happen, at any moment, and that… might be it.And I know we’re all shitty to each other a lot of the time, but… but I love all of you.”

He sniffles, snuggling against Ichimatsu when his big brother pulls him even closer. “The thought that one of us might… die… I-I didn’t… I didn’t know how afraid I was of that… till I thought it happened. If one of us wasn’t here… it… it wouldn’t be the same anymore.”

“… Yeah.” Ichimatsu gives Totty a squeeze that’s maybe a little tighter than necessary. It’s not like he can pretend that Totty is wrong. He’s right. Even though they’re all assholes and treat each other like crap sometimes, the last thing any of them want is for their family to be… incomplete.

They sit quietly for what feels like a long time, holding each other. Breathing. Just existing in sync, in perfect understanding for a while.

Sometimes, it’s true, Ichimatsu is kind of a death seeker. Sometimes he really does want to die. Sometimes he doesn’t care about anything, and just wants it all to end so he doesn’t have to deal with the weight of life anymore.

Sometimes, though… sometimes he fights death with all he has. He thinks maybe that’s what happened after he got hit by the car.

It would have been easy to die then. To just let his injuries swallow him up and put out his life like blowing out a candle.

He’s in a lot of pain right now, but he’s not dead. There must be a reason, right?

He thinks this is the reason.

Holding his youngest brother and realizing how broken his absence would leave his family, thinking about how broken it would be if anyof them were gone, how much they love each other…

… For once, he’s happy to be alive.