#i like what I do but I literally cannot pay my bills and live life at this pay

[frawaline-sees-all]

Work changed how we do yearly evaluations (instead of the anniversary of your hire it’s all going to be done in February). Boss man straight up told us that this means we won’t be getting our yearly raises but don’t worry, “you’ll get retropay from when you would have gotten it before”

I’d like my fucking increase on time and not in a check six months later.

[richardsgraysons]

lazy sundays (2)

prompt — your fiancé is supposed to be dead. you reminisce.

tags — some mentions of struggling mental health, (s/h), some mentions of potential alcoholism

“you cannot do this to yourself,” damian says, looking at you. he’s always been smarter than you at most things, with what being a literal genius. but he has been affected by dick’s death the same way as you. “it is … unhealthy.”

you sit in a favorite cafe of yours and dick’s—was a favorite. everything reminds you of him. the sunset you’d see out the window. his favorite coffee came from this place.

“what’s unhealthy?” you ask, numb. every word is dulled down and your eyes are looking at your plate. even the foam on your cappucino reminds you of him.

“locking yourself in your apartment. staring at your feet all the time and not doing anything you love. you hardly even go to work. it’s been seven months.”

you slam your fist down on the table. “seven months is too little to mourn,” you nearly cry out. “he was the love of my life, damian, and this stupid life he led killed him! i’m never gonna hear him say a stupid joke. we’re never gonna travel to japan together for our honeymoon. our marriage is never gonna happen.”

damian swallows and looks up at you. he can’t say anything so you stand up and pay the bill. as you do; he squints at your ring finger.

one shiny ring, glinting like the love you have for him.

* * *

haley keeps staring out the window at night. you toss around in your bed, your hand going through your hair. the apartment you have is too expensive to pay for it, but bruce pays for everything.

“haley,” you groan, shoving a hand through your hair. “please, be quiet.”

she doesn’t stop barking. it’s pretty agitating.

you finally drag yourself out of bed, wearing dick’s old navy blue “dog dad” shirt he got from petco. you open the window and peak.

nothing. just quiet whistling. you sign and rub your head. “there’s nothing there,” you sigh, frustrated, and walk back to bed.

in your dreams, you’re there. some utopian city. is it japan? you can’t tell. there’s flying cars up in space and something in your gut tells you that this is a perfect world.

then all of a sudden, you turn around and you’re in a sky high apartment like you’ve always dreamed of living in. you see the lights, the people. they all see so insignificant down below.

“hey pretty girl.”

and he’s there. he leans against the doorway, smirk on his face, twinkle in his eye. his arms are crossed and he has that classic james dean look in his eye.

“dick!” you scream so loud the world notices. you’re running and you throw your arms around him and kiss him, hard on the mouth. he catches you and twirls you around.

“i missed you—“

“wait.” you suddenly stop. “are you a dream?”

he laughs. “what kind of question is that? of course—“

“don’t answer that,” you suddenly say. “i don’t wanna know. if i did, i’d never want to wake up.”

* * *

you’ve been waking up in the same earth that took out your fiancé for the past six to seven months.

it’s cold when you wake up, and you look at your phone the first thing. the cuts on your wrists are dried now, but you have the urge to keep letting yourself bleed.

thirty-three voicemails. all from damian. you frown and recall damian back.

“—this is damian al ghul wayne. do not waste my time with frivolous calls—“

straight to voicemail. jesus.

“good morning, haley,” you groggily say to your dog who stares at you with wide eyes, awaiting her breakfast.

she just barks gently in recognition. lately, you’ve been drinking a bit and she knows not to make the only parent she has left too annoyed. you try to tether yourself, but your isolationism has its limits.

“how’s my pretty girl today?” you ask her as you take her food out.

“i don’t know, how is she?”

you freeze. there’s no way. very slowly, you turn around and look at him. blood rushes into your cheeks, so scarlet it was maroon. blue eyes so deep they remind you of the mediterranean. black tousled hair, a few new scars.

and that damn smirk.

he leans against the doorway, a smirk on his face and you feel alright. a flood of emotions. and you’re processing your emotions right there. he’s alive.

and he looks at you and whispers quietly.

“hey pretty girl.”

[buck-up-buck]

HMMMMMM

Ya'll can blame @theredrenard for this because I was told specifically to stop manifesting this, so guess. what.

HERE IS ME CONTINUING TO MANIFEST IT.

So, as per my post HERE I talked about the potential to burn Buck's loft down. Now, again, you don't have to tell me twice about how AO3 this theory is, I have been in this fandom since day one and I have read an unhealthy amount of fanfictions with this plot line, but, indulge me a second, will you?

So, at the beginning of the season I know that SOMEWHERE, there was a scene where there was a housing market crisis headline on the TV in the background, but I cannot for the life of me find it, so here is a screenshot of a post I saw talking about it!

We also have the scene where Buck is touring Harbour with Tommy at the start of 7x04 and Tommy mentions that he sometimes responds to "high-rise fires."... interesting Tommy; do you sense a high-rise fire in your near future to save you boyfriend, huh, HUH?!?

AND THEN, we have Buck at the end of 7x04 before Tommy knocks on the door seemingly going through paperwork, bills maybe? This, accompanied with the housing market crisis SCREAMS that Buck is maybe having issues with paying rent, or with living in the loft in general and is potentially looking for an out?

Now. all of these combined alone are enough to see a potential storyline to do with the loft (and it burning down, cough cough), but what really sealed the deal was Eddie's comment in the last episode (7x07).

Eddie walking in and commenting that he could smell smoke, with Buck telling him the new recipe he is working on is cracking him, rubbed me the wrong way. What a STRANGE way to word that scene. AND THEN, Buck looking up at the ceiling, where I assume the smoke detector is, all confused as if it should have been going off, but wasn't, is potentially foreshadowing issues with the building.

NOW, all of this together, SCREAMS a storyline to do with Buck's loft, the scene in 7x07 just solidifying a potential fire even moreso.

I will admit, I have changed my mind on Amir's involvement in the fire. I now highly doubt this man would go through all this effort to burn down an apartment complex, after suffering such a loss in one himself, and would not go out of his way to injure innocent people. BUT, what I do think however, is that his conflict with Bobby is going to potentially do some more foreshadowing for the loft potentially burning down.

I doubt Amir would use the words as direct as "karma is a bitch", but I do think sentences like...

"The universe has a wicked sense of payback." "Life has a way of serving up its own brand of justice." "In the end, karma is a flame that burns with the heat of our actions."

that all basically SCREAM, fire. And this makes Bobby super anxious but Amir is gone, he is either over it and has moved on with his lil ominous departure, or he's been arrested for his conflict with Bobby, and Athena is like, "he is gone, that man is gone from our lives." and Bobby settles because she is right, it's fine. everything is fine.

Until it isn't.

Until something happens that causes Buck's loft to go up in flames and all Bobby can think about is, fuck, this is my karma, and he is like, no, I will save my son, and he goes all badass and he gets Buck outta there.

Below are my messages in my beloved 9-1-1 server that I sent literally as that scene in 7x07 was playing out in front of me, including a 46-second-long VN about why that comment from Eddie just, didn't sit right with me.

ANYWAY, hope you enjoyed. As always, let me know what you think. Am I crazy? Am I onto something? At this point, I don't even know anymore but I am having so much fun terrorising the Clown Car that now I just do it for the bants.

Whenever anyone sees me type "I HAVE A THEORY" they all immediately log off, it's so weird.

[feiandart]

Posting 'em here again just to boost a bit my motivation today. I made 'em back in december, one of the first drawing I have ever made for myself only.

Will talk 'bout myself and my past from here, can skip it if you don't want my oversharing shit.

So. I used to work as a commission artist for years (5-6 if I'm not wrong), drew bit of anything you could think of and mainly sticked to NSFW art for most of my, uh, let me call that "carreer" even if it's probably the wrong term to use for it. Well, it paid my bills and rent for years, so we may stick to it anyway.

Thing is, I stopped drawing when I was eighteen. People, family first, always told me talent in art was all, practice would never have made it better and I should have kept it as a hobby rather than something to do as a job. Apart from my closest friends, no one encouraged me to practice and study and put real effort on it. I went to an art-based highschool (only because I couldn't focus on studying any subject, and art school is considered one in which you don't actually study at all here, so my parents thought it better to put me there as I wanted "so you can still graduate"), but I couldn't go ahead with art studies in professional comic schools, academies or any artistic department in university. No support on that front. Something like "be Caravaggio or be nobody" mindset was stuck into my head and I started actually believing that it was true. And since I was, and am not, Caravaggio, then what was the point? So I dropped the pencil and just forgot how to draw a fuckin' line for literal years.

Then I turned 22. I moved to another city for my studies. After completing 'em, my parents said me to come back home and I said no. They stopped paying anything for me since that moment, so I had to make things works on my own. Hopefully my rent was really low, so I could afford it with minimum effort, but had to buy groceries with coupons (not a common thing in Italy) and eat a lot less to make 'em last as much as possible. I found a job in a call-center, I cleaned houses and handed flyiers to people. And that's when I found out I cannot really be in social context for too long.

In the end I burned out, left all jobs and was stuck in bed for a month. I was barely 24, without a job, holding tight the little bit of freedom I ever got. I felt helpless and hopeless. I don't remember if my bestfriend or my housemate, but one of 'em said me to come back at drawing and givin' it a shot. What harm could that do afterall, could have been pocket money for a bit if it couldn't stick to something better.

I started from pencil. Then went to digital in a couple months. I practiced, started quite immediately taking commissions and honest to God I don't have the slightest clue of how someone whould spend money on some shit I drew without basic anathomy knowledge and after that much time without drawing. Still have no idea. So I drew. I made some quick animations, never did much there thought. Grew a little fanbase, went on with it for years. I even moved with my bestfriend, living with her alone for two years, got a cat I love that it's my actually support companion right now.

I felt happy for a bit, I believe. Imposter syndrome is always watching me afterall, that never stopped. It's just like there's another person in the room with me all day, whispering me I should do more 'cause I don't deserve any attention. Ugh.

However. I went on with that until 2023. I had to come back to my parent's house in 2022 and got stuck in here since then. Nightmare years. Still a nightmare period, but I'm managing. Thing is, past year I burned out so much I completed all my left commissions in a rush and actually dropped my tablet for months. I used it as a third screen, took away the pen and the glove and swore I would never ever be back at drawing again. Will not go into details of what triggered that burnout, but you got the point, I didn't want to draw again in my life at that time.

This is pretty much when Good Omens entered the room. It was late September, I saw a lot of videos on tiktok and since I watched S1 years ago, I decided to give it a shot to S2 too. It was an istant hyperfocus. Watched all over for weeks, both in italian, in english, in english with italian subs and english with english subs. Never done anything like that in my life before. By the end of October I came back at writing. So I started to arrange things for Up&Down, my first fic after uhm, like 15 years or so. And it felt so good! I went through 42 days of deep writing, posting a chapter a day just for myself. 'cause I wanted to write something I liked for the sole purpose of liking it. And it felt so liberating!

Then I thought: will this apply to drawing too, maybe?

Answer is YES. It did. I was inspired from the fandom, from MrGhostRat's art and Gleafer's, and started drawing again. I dug into english fanfictions, fandom artists I love, and the list just gets longer day by day. I started writing Sugar, and with it I started drawing illustrations for it.

I went from the image to the left to the one to the right in two months. Guys, I'll repeat it: TWO MONTHS. I never had such a quick improvement in years, practicing every fuckin' day, drawing my hands out of my bloody body. I drew for 5-6 years and never got to improve this much. I did now. And you know why?

'cause I started drawing for myself. I'm doing something I love. And I'm getting better at it.

And you know what? I'm quite angry now. 'cause if I didn't stop years ago, who knows where I could have been now. If I didn't listen to people saying me "be Caravaggio or be nobody", I could have done so much more by now. Maybe I could have been able to draw fuckin' furnitures by now. Maybe I would have started being able to draw the same face two times in a row years ago insted of now.

Maybe I could have been the comic artist I wanted to be. Maybe not the best in the world, but I don't fuckin' care of being the best one, I want to be one I'm proud of. I didn't get the chance 'cause out there is full of people without a dream who's only purpose in life is destroying other people hopes.

And you know what? I'm done with that. I'm done with people saying me I'm not a gifted child. I'm done with people coming at me saying I cannot do shit I love 'cause they have reason to make me do something different. People thinks to know what's good for me but I'm fuckin' 30 and I think I know it pretty well already, thank you very much.

I'm managing how to get hold of my choices and things I love now that I'm an adult, but dear Lord I keep on thinking of my young self and I want to hug that poor thing so much I can't explain. I'd love to say her everything's going to be hard, but good in some way. That things are difficult, but they will change. That people are shit, but she should be strong and fight back. 'cause I did it too late and I regret now, but she deserved better.

You deserves better. And I'm talking to anyone who's reading this. I don't know if you went all the way 'til here, but if you did: don't make my same mistakes. You know better than me. Don't let people spoil the things you love, don't give 'em power to destroy your will and put you in a closet for the time being. You don't deserve that.

Don't miss your chance 'cause people doesn't want to see you happy to be yourself. Don't do that. They don't deserve that power over you.

Love yourself more than I loved myself. I'm starting just now and it's hell. You can do better, I promise.

[cherienymphe]

My sister has a married (separated but they’re still pretending they’re together for the kids) man over and she’s gone an fucking waited for us all to go to sleep and she’s in the living room with him. It’s the second time she’s done this.

I want to cry. I know that sounds so ducking stupid because it’s none of my business but I literally haven’t sat on my sofa for months because of when she has him over the first time. I don’t want to sit on a sofa where they probably fucked. And like, I get up at the middle of the night for cereal most nights but I literally can’t now because they’re down there.

All I wanted to do is sleep but I can’t because there’s a man in my house who I’ve only met ONCE. It’s genuinely making me want to go and sleep in a hotel. I want to leave. I was trying to be a cockblocker and I was in the kitchen for ages pretending I couldn’t sleep, and she was just there watching me, texting him and laughing. (I know that’s bad, but tbf I was thirsty)

He’s a fucking scumbag (I pretend I find him okay but reality I fucking hate him). I know I need to work on myself because this is probably jealousy or some shit. Like I know this isn’t healthy for me. It’s not like any of what I’m typing right now my sister knows. She thinks I either 1. don’t know, or 2. that i’m fine with it.

She’s 35. She hasn’t got kids or a husband and I understand he’s the first person to be obsessed with her for years, but he’s already done the kids and marriage thing for 12 years so… Is he really looking for that again? I doubt it. I just don’t like that he’s making her wait, like you’re either with your wife or you’re not.

But at the end of the day it is NONE of my business. It’s just making me feel sick right now and I was planning on having a nice sleep but I have this problem where I literally cannot fall asleep when there’s other people in my house.

I know I sound deranged but she’s my only reason for living some days and when she’s ignoring me to text him constantly it’s literally so fucking soul sucking. I should probably move out but leaving my mom and my sister together is just recipe for trouble and if I moved out my mother would literally be homeless because she can’t pay for rent on her own. I’m the youngest (20) and always wanted to travel but I’m scared of leaving because I’m scared of coming back and being alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want my family to break apart.

Anyways, my GAWD that’s long. I’ll leave this here if you want to read it. I know you’re not a therapist lol so you don’t have to reply. Just had to rant because I haven’t got anyone to talk to. Okay, I’m going to either read gothic fiction or watch Buffy to distract me 💜

Hey I don't think you're wrong to be bothered by some strange man being in your house at all hours of the night. I get that everyone's family is different, but I wasn't raised in an environment like that so I too would be bothered. Yes, she has just as much right to the space as anyone else, but it's not solely her house. You have a right to feel comfortable too.

As for your sister, you have to let her make her own decisions/mistakes. While I personally don't think it's wrong for separated couples to see other people, it's almost always a recipe for mess when no one has officially filed for divorce. Are the chances pretty great that he and his wife will reconcile and leave your sister in the dust or maybe even a dirty little secret? Yeah probably but that's her problem not yours lol. Especially since she's way old enough to not be so dumb.

As for you...babes you're 20! I understand the pressure to make sure your family is alright, but you're telling me that if you leave and live your life, your fuckass 35 y/o sister can't keep the bills paid and help your mom out? At 20 y/o, I just don't think that's your responsibility. That's supposed to come when you're older and borderline decrepit and you have to help your mom to the bathroom in her old age 😭

I won't flat out tell you what to do bc it's your life and you're the one who has to live with your decisions but if I was in your shoes...ain't no way

[goldenalbum]

LOL the hate JK is getting is fucking ridiculous. I can’t imagine hating someone so much that I spend all day everyday just obsessing over them and watching EVERYTHING they do giving more interactions to the one you hate than the one you “love”. Maybe I’m the weird one here but when I hate someone I pay them ZERO attention. Again imagine spending more time and effort on your hate for someone than for the person you supposedly love and respect. Also PEOPLE ARE LITERALLY DYING! The world is going to 💩 and this person is worried about kpop are you f-king for real right now!! You’re (the Anon) worried about a bunch of rich boys (who make more money than we will EVER get to have) who live very comfortably who don’t have to actually worry about real life problems like bills, a roof over their head or where their next meal is going to come from… the same boy(s) (I’m willing to bet Anons life they are most definitely a solo) you are over here like “oh no my poor baby he has it soooo hard!!” be f-king for real!! All that time, effort, research, or hell that entire essay you wrote could have gone to making a REAL difference in the world instead of waste of oxygen or trash that should have never been allowed to exist. I can’t even begin to imagine (don’t take a shot every time I say imagine!) willingly being such a f-king pathetic delusional worthless POS like that. Most parents would be very sad and disappointed to have a child like you. The boys deserve better “fans” than trash like this. Anon get a life, go outside, finally get a real friend (doubt with that attitude you’ll get one, but try), and for f—k sake get some therapy you weirdo!

Sorry this is like the 100th hate post I’ve seen about JK sent by anons to different users. Makes you wonder if it’s the same person sending them to everyone. A life is indeed what they need along with restriction to the internet. Please end me if I ever become that much of a pathetic c-u-n-t.

(Sorry about my language!)

sadly i do not think it's just the same person, even if all the talking points are the same. i ended up on an akgae thread before and they all say the same exact shit. they're so into their weird little conspiracy of poor oppa vs the world that they just spit out the same rhetoric over and over like a broken vending machine. its sad, honestly. there's more important shit to be spending your time on.

jimin has been my ult bias for almost a decade but he really has some of the loudest mfers in his akgaedom. i genuinely and truly cannot figure out how these people have such bad critical thinking skills that they could watch every single time jimin (and the rest of bts) loves on jungkook and then think that jungkook is some evil mastermind who is awful to him. like? if you REALLY think jimin would be friends with someone who is soooo terrible, then not only do you not deserve to be his fan, but you must think extremely little of him, because that means he must have no self respect, self love, or backbone. 🙄

but akgaes do not live in reality and have no interest in tuning into it. at the end of the day, anon, you and me can be happy in the knowledge that bts love and respect each other and themselves regardless of what any freak out there says. have some serotonin, anon! 💗

[sekhithefops]

Nightingale: How to Survive and Thrive as a Realmwalker!

LISTEN TO PUCK!

In Nightingale you take the role of a Realmwalker, a person who travels the Fae Realms for the sake of discovery, fortune, or what have you, but your start is anything but a planned foray.

Your adventures in the Feywilds begin with you fleeing the devastation on Earth by a strange crisis known only as "The Pale," which has engulfed most of the world.

You have an ally however, the enigmatic Robin "Puck" Goodfellow, the Merry Wanderer of the Night himself made famous by the works of William Shakespear.

Puck acts as your guide early on and tells you the basics of how to survive. How to craft tools, how to cook and prepare food, and how to live on your own in a part of Faerie that has been forgotten by both man and fae.

His reasons for doing so are his own... but he's all you got, so pay attention to his words! He'll keep your body and soul together until you can escape to an Abeyance Realm, a safe haven where you can begin your adventures in truth.

Create the Cairn

Eventually, you will be gifted a Realm Card by Puck. This card, the Abeyance Card does exactly what that suggests. It allows you to enter a safe haven where the worst danger is mere wild animals.

From there Puck will give you one of the most vital building blueprints, your Cairn.

It may seem a simple pile of logs and stone, but the usefulness of this cannot be understated. The Cairn will emit a field of fae magicks that drive away dangerous animals (wolves and the like) and, more importantly, will have one major benefit.

If you notice in that picture of Puck above, he mentions in it giving you a Pocket Watch and Guidebook... but the watch is no ordinary timepiece! By opening your map, you can use it to immediately travel back to your Cairn from ANYWHERE in Faerie! Even other realms! You absolutely want to make this as soon as you can as it can be the difference between life and death if danger is closing in, supplies are running low, or you're about to collapse from exhaustion or hunger.

(Ignore that bit about Traveling to "the Watch," that comes later.)

Lets Get Crafty!

Whether you're using the more advanced things like I am at this point in the game, or getting by with a campfire and makeshift tools, crafting is a major part of surviving the Feywilds (heck its right there in the genre name: survival/crafting.)

What makes Nightingale different however is that you don't need specific parts (usually, some blueprints do, but not always.) By and large you just need to fit the bill... but the better components you use, the better the thing will be!

For example, today I unlocked a new top:

To make this I need three different things: Four measures of cloth, two measures of lining (for the suit jacket of course,) and two sets of buttons.

To get the cloth however, I need thread.

And to get the thread, I need to spin fibers into it.

Now if I wanted to, I could just bang these together out of some random grass clippings woven into cloth, grab whatever for the lining, and make buttons out of tin. Boom, done... my shirt looks like crap... and has crap stats.

Quality counts for a LOT in Faerie! Different materials give different stats, and the quality of the materials makes that stat bonus more powerful!

It takes more effort to source the rarer and harder to find components, but for me that makes it a real adventure... and it has another award as well. When it comes to weapons, what parts you use changes how it looks!

This is an ore called "Pursuit." I like to imagine that its literally the crystalized desire to hunt and catch prey of predatory animals taken physical form.

We're in the fae realms, its gonna get weird.

Anyways, Pursuit makes a reliable ranged weapon, so I harvested a bunch and used it to make a Webley Revolver (fun fact, thats a real gun. Google it.)

Pursuit ore is a shining deep green color, and because of that, so was the gun!

Later I got some really good metals called Kyrosiphon and Bombadier (which came not from mineral nodes, but the corpses of monsters) and used them to make a new revolver. This one was a mixture of deep violet and shining gold because of it!

If you're not a fan of the more fantastical color schemes however, you can still get metals like Steel and the like of course.

But yes, crafting in the feywilds can be complex... but very rewarding. Simple when you start out, but the more you go into it the more work it takes, but the greater the treasures you'll craft!

Now of course, the main thing.

Realmwalker, the Feywilds Call to Thee

How to travel between the realms. Eventually you'll gain the means to make a portal of your own, but until then you have to make do with the ones already existing in the realms.

With the disaster on earth, the portal network that once connected the fae realms is no more... but there is an alternative. Realm Cards, a technique that Puck taught you, will allow you to connect a portal to a realm and travel from one end of Faerie to another.

When interacting with a portal you need two things: A Biome Card and a Major Card.

The Biome Cards (1, in picture) will determine what type of realm you enter. Right now there are only three: Forest, Desert, and Swamp. The Forest is a lush woodland full of natural beauty... but also danger in the form of wild predators.

The Desert is a punishingly hot place. Travelers are well advised to bring some sort of sun protection (a parasol is ideal) or else risk heatstroke! Giant insects dwell here, and ancient ruins dot the landscape.

The Swamps of Faerie are dangerous. Deep bogs with water infested with foulness. Standing too deep will cause a Realmwalker to fall ill, and allowing yourself to fall ill can be a fatal mistake in the Feywilds. A race of giants known as the Grendel dwell here, but they can be friend or foe depending on the Realmwalker... but beware their protector, Humbaba.

Major Cards (2) will allow a realmwalker to choose the details of the realm they wish to travel to.

An antiquarian realm, for example, will house many ancient ruins of fae creation, possibly with hidden treasures for the courageous.

A herbarium realm could be a paradise of resources, plant life blooming all around you waiting for the kiss of your scythe or woodsman's axe to put it to use.

The Major Cards aren't always nice though... the Gloom Card will draw the Realmwalker into a dark and dismal place where the horrific goblin-like Bound will hound their every step, and the Hunt Card will open a path to a land with monstrous beasts to be slain... unless they slay the Realmwalker first. Here there truly be dragons.

Once you have your path chosen, press the button and the portal will align the realms and open a path forward!

And there you are in a brand new realm! The portal will stay locked to this realm until you hit the reset button (4) to reshuffle the cards, though even once you've explored a realm top to bottom, you're not done if you don't want to be!

If you look back at the image of the portal controls, you'll notice a small box in the lower left (3.) This has three options.

Difficulty: Ranges from Easy to Extreme, the higher the difficulty the more dangerous your foes... but the better the rewards!

Public Realm: If you're feeling lonely, open your realm to other realmwalkers! Maybe you'll make a new friend, or perhaps an enemy!

Reset Realm: All done? Nothing left? No more ruins to plumb? No more treasures to uncover? Play the same cards again and hit the reset button! The portal will align to a realm very similar to that one, but different with all new treasures to claim!

But alas, it grows late in the day (and Tumblr is a little bitch with a 30 image limit) so I can only squeeze in one more of these.

Do You Believe in Magic?

One of the most fun parts of my excursion into the Feywilds so far is this: you can enchant your weapons with spells and unleash them upon friend or foe (some of them are helpful.)

To do this, you must imbue a spell into one of your tools or weapons (melee only, though you can craft elemental bullets for your guns.)

The spells can range from offensive power, to enhancing your weapons, to even healing your allies or other useful things. Some of the more interesting examples I've found include the following:

Quake is absurdly powerful, able to lay low entire swarms of foes and send them flying around like leaves caught in a gale (read: likely nerfed in a future patch because godsdamn its more broken than their bones once you're done.)

There's also Infusions that allow you to enhance your tools and clothes as well... but for a while it drove me damn near batty trying to work out which ones could go where until I realized something.

Breaking the tweeness I've built up through this: YOU CAN ONLY GIVE INFUSIONS TO GEAR FOR STATS IT ALREADY HAS!

All the infusions work on percentages. It increases the stats by a percentage of what the gear already grants you. A Tier 3 Magic upgrade will take the existing Magic Damage stat, and give you 15% more.

So yeah, keep that in mind. Just glance at the stats your gear has already before you decide what to upgrade and then you'll be ready to infuse it further.

But yes, as of now I'm getting close to Tumblr's image limit so sadly this is where I must draw to a close about my current sojurn into the Feywilds. I full expect to spend quite a bit of time here and await future updates on Nightingale with bated breath from Inflexion.

Its only Early Access so far and of course there's a lot to do... but any game that gets my hours played into the triple digits in one week is kind of beyond compare and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise.

Mixed Reviews be damned, as I said before and as @xhyperwolfx drew...

[kasaneteto]

sorry i simply must complain for a moment

ive been complaining about my roommate too much on instagram so im doing it here instead 🖕 fuck you

MOTHERFUCKER CANNOT TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF!!!! tell me why this man is turning 26 NEXT WEEK and can’t remember to pay me back for the bills. won’t do any chores unless he’s asked to or HE has friends coming over. i literally feel like im living with a teenager.

i’ve recently realized just how much ive coddled him and made excuses for him because of his mental health struggles and the way his parents treated him his whole life. ive also realized that its entirely up to him to recognize that his mental health struggles & trauma are HIS problems to deal with and i shouldnt have to temper my expectations because of that. i can only tell him he needs therapy so many times before it’ll just go in one ear and out the other like every other thing i say to him. he is so incapable of any kind of self-reflection or self-awareness, has no concept of how his actions might affect others, can’t make any compromises without throwing a fucking tantrum about it. it’s exhausting. he requires so much attention and validation in order to be happy. being in the same room is like an invitation to talk to him. AND HE SAYS THE SAME SHIT. its like ive exhausted all dialogue options. he always makes the same stupid jokes that are just *goofy or purposefully obnoxious comment about what im doing* and i DONT have the energy to entertain that shit every day. but it RUINS his mood if you dont partake in his humor and then he just sulks. he cannot be serious. everything is jokey goofy fun time. when finn and i told him she’s trans & that we broke up his response was just to stare at us like a deer in headlights and go “oh. okay. sorry thats just a lot to process” which is like. just such a perfect prime example of how he cannot handle anything serious or heavy. when he got cheated on he was inconsolable and would not leave finn and i alone (and we wanted to help!!! we care about him!!!) he literally would follow us to our room and we would have to ask him for alone time!!!! he’s like a baby!!!! he’s so deadset on finding a new partner and i just wanna scream in his face NO RELATIONSHIP YOURE IN WILL EVER WORK IUT UNTIL YOU WORK ON YOURSELF AND UNPACK YOUR TRAUMA!!!!!!

he always uses money as an excuse like “ohhh i cant afford it” motherfucker. you can’t afford anything that isnt something you want. so you cant afford to pay me bills on time but you can afford a new monitor for cyber monday? you can’t afford therapy but you can afford to get a shitty fake christmas tree because THATS what’s important to you? he lives so fucking hedonistically and acts like he lives paycheck to paycheck when he makes 22 DOLLARS AN HOUR. MOTHERFUCKER YOU MAKE MORE THAN ME. YOU CAN FUCKING AFFORD IT YOU JUST DONT BUDGET OR SAVE AT ALL.

ok sorry i had to get that shit out because im so frustrated with him. i had a party the other night and he just sulked around until his friends came, hung out with them and only them the whole time, then continued to sulk and complain once they left. then sat around scrolling on his phone while my friends helped me clean everything up. my friends who actually are responsible and arent just in their own world with no consideration for others.

its not like he’s a bad person or even a bad friend because he truly isn’t. he’s just so emotionally immature and does not have the strength to look inward & realize that he is the source of most of his unhappiness in his life currently. its really hard to live around given the stage of my life im currently in.

i wish i could tell him all of this to be honest but hes so fucking sensitive. i HAVE tried to talk to him about a lot of these issues too (him needing to he asked to do chores, not paying me back etc) and its always the same thing. he gets better for a couple months but it quickly goes back to how it was before. im just like so done acting like his problems are mine. done asking him for favors. i hate that living with him has made me lose so much respect for him (he has no moral backbone) because like. i can see that he wants to be better. he just isnt strong enough to admit that hes the problem in his life right now. anyways. thanks for reading this if you did lol

[cantarella-if]

Dude you are considering putting to sleep your cat for bitting you instead of finding a solution to his bad behavior and start a slow process to get him better? What the fuck is wrong with you?

If you are not willing to go through all the having a pet complications then just dont get a pet. Find him someone that’s actually willing to give him a try instead of just “welp 90% we will have to put him to sleep for bitting me” you fucking coward.

Excuse the fuck out of me, but I have had this cat for 14 years and I love him dearly. He is like my son. No way in hell am I saying "oh he bit me, let me kill him." I am considering not only my own safety but his quality of life. The poor thing is obviously in pain and that is why he bit me. He has spent nearly a month stuck in a cage so he doesn't reinjure himself, unable to move his back legs and tail let alone walk or stand, urinating all over himself because he cannot control his bladder, barely eating to the point where he has visibly lost weight and I can feel every bump of his spine. He's suffering. What I want is for him to not be in pain. At the same time, if he's in enough pain to hurt me and send me to the fucking ER, it needs to be considered. I was originally told he might have to be put to sleep if he did not improve and he seems to be getting worse. I don't want to and it is my absolute last resort. I am in animal rescue. I've had pets all my life. I know how to take care of them. But at the same time, how can I care for him if I'm afraid to touch him?

Do you think I want to keep him in a cage so he doesn't hurt himself? You think I want to kill him? I would give anything to see him well again, literally anything. This is in no fucking way a choice I would make were any other options available.

Unless you have seen how this cat is suffering, been where I have been, crying myself to sleep every night for literal weeks because I can't afford medical treatment for him on a cashier's salary, begging friends and family for money to pay his vet bills and for supplies to keep him clean and comfortable because he can't even go to the bathroom without soiling himself, then fuck off. You are in no position to judge my situation. If it is what is best for him, then yes, I will end his suffering in the most humane way that I can out of love. I will NOT let him live the rest of his life the way he is now if God forbid he has no hope of improvement because THAT would be unforgivable. I'm praying with all my heart that this isn't the case.

If you think for one second that I wouldn't take the chance to save his life if I could, then I hope you never have to be faced with this situation for your own pets. How dare you send a message like this to someone who is obviously torn up over a decision like this! And on anon, too. If anyone is a coward here, it's you. Go fuck yourself, anon.

[vizthedatum]

Surreal

During the last week of my relationship with my ex/spouse, I was in constant terror. I was popping klonopin and taking edibles as much as I could. I was dabbing as much as I could. I was on the couch (almost the entire time) trying to listen to music and apply to apartments CONSTANTLY. I was freezing and fawning so bad. Most of the time, I was naked or partially naked. I could barely function.

I wanted to be back in their arms so badly - to really make things work - to try everything to make our relationship work. They sent me these messages right before I came inside:

I would have isolated from society forever. I would have carried out our plan of living separately but still isolating myself so that I could save the marriage. The burden of saving our marriage was on me - because I was the problem. They started a new job, and they told me they couldn't do this relationship and the job at the same time. I needed to stop being a problem.

They accused me of cheating and turned on me within an hour of when I got home. They told me that my hair burned them. I managed to yell out saying that YOU NEED TO GO THERAPY - THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE. And they yelled THIS IS WHO I AM. And I saw how monstrous the person who I had married... who I was deeply in love with... looked. Then at some point, I somehow went up to my room? They had told me to get out of their sight. I think it was around that time when their mom convinced them not to take my meds away from me. Then they sent me messages saying I could come down again and it wasn't a trick. (Messages three hours after the 'reading manual' one)

We took our last two selfies together - they looked manic - I just... I loved them, and I desperately wanted to be together. I wanted to make it work.

The yelling and terror continued the whole week. Intermixed with offers to help me pay off all the money I spent on moving my brother out of my parents' home - a very traumatic and involved trip to Minnesota that I absolutely had to do.

(Funny - I ended up going into debt anyway by escaping, paying the lease break fee (of which they are paying LESS THAN HALF (I guess getting a hella expensive lawyer really pays off, huh? You fucking absolute thief)), supporting myself through medical bills (including getting myself checked out for the IUD THAT THEY PULLED OUT OF ME and STI testing because I literally cannot remember if they used protection the last time they had sex with me (raped me, because they forced me to verbally consent, kept fucking me while I had a panic attack, and then somehow I ate and left the home?! I had ingeniously (hah) told them that they couldn't touch me after that unless they could commit to making me orgasm (something they hadn't been able to do in a very long time because they don't make me feel safe). In a daze.), supporting myself through months of wading through life the best I could, fighting to get my stuff back, cleaning or throwing away my things because so much was infested with grime and rodent droppings, etc.)

They would yell how I wasn't trying hard enough to get an apartment and get out of there - I was trying so hard - masking so hard when I'd make phone calls - I received messages from potential landlords correctly assuming I was being abused - I got scammed maybe like 3 times and lost money - I was messaging my friends non-stop WHILE apartment hunting for my life. For us.

I couldn't get high enough. I couldn't stop feeling so horrible. I wanted to die. I thought it was over. They kept trying to talk me out of my touch boundaries while I just looked at them and trembled in fear - I don't think any of my emotions registered to them.

I watched how they chose to appear sane during work calls... and chose to be completely unhinged with me.

I was texting my MIL - trying to explain my affairs (we were poly and open) in detail and how I told Jon what I was up to - I needed to be honest - I told her how they kept trying to touch me without my consent.

So many things happened all at once. I wanted to focus on my friends and the good things in my life. Lose myself in the fantasy of life being okay. I hated being how I was. I was talking to my partners, random lovers, friends, etc. just to know that I was wanted by someone - it felt good.... while my mind and body were falling apart.

They really wanted me out of there - while telling me that they loved me. So much yelling. I was packing.

I finally broke up (Thurs? Fri? The days blended together) with them but they still wanted to be married. They were relieved (they said) when I broke up with them. I told my MIL - (Please note that my ex has friendships I know nothing about, conversations with their really weird ex that I have no idea about, they send money to their ex, I have no idea if my ex cheated on me or not - I literally have no clue - meanwhile they go around slut shaming me even though THEY ARE POLY AS FUCK (but also super controlling)):

We kept doing our marriage ritual - nothing changed. Now I was married in a partnerless relationship where I was still being controlled. We still said we loved each other.

My credit got approved for a place that didn't check employment paystubs (Sat).

And then I got myself flowers.

The next day I left (Sun). I wrote my MIL on Mon:

On Nov 21, 2022, I called my MIL (with the help of a friend) and told her it was DV. And then I posted on Facebook:

"CW: straight up DV

Don’t tell my brother (or my immediate family) any of this. He is blocked from reading this. And I got him out of an abusive situation and he’s doing so much better so please don’t ruin the strides I’ve made with him. I waited my entire life to get him out and safe, so just don’t.

I’m safe. It has unfortunately dawned on me that I’ve been in a DV situation once again - and I didn’t know - it wasn’t until I went to MN and got clarity - I’ve been in several different DV situations and well, I didn’t want to believe it because it was literally the best relationship I ever had? Because well, who else would love me like they would? They were loving and caring and kind - they supported me through surgeries and dr appts and so much shit. They were my rock and my everything. I don’t regret any of it. I really don’t. I loved them and they loved me. Our vows were fucking poetry and it symbolized the love we shared and built together. Our wedding day was unforgettable and beautiful, and I’ll never forget it. I think I’ll always love them.

I deluded myself because - I never thought I could have this. No one ever loved me like that. And that’s why I denied it for so long. The love was and is there but it’s not enough. It hurts to say that I deserve more, but I do.

I left my home Sunday night. I packed what I could in my car and left because I didn’t feel safe. When I came home to them last week, I thought it would be fine but it wasn’t. It was the worst it’s ever been. My heartbreak is beyond belief.

I have a plan moving forward. I need a salaried job and while I know I can get one, my brain is not what it used to be. I think I’ll snap back once I’m living on my own again. I can do certain types of data analysis in my sleep, I swear.

My spouse is going through a lot right now, and that comes with its own challenges, but I refuse to be gaslit and taken advantage of anymore. They DO need support, but I can’t do it anymore. Please know that they’re not a “bad” person - they’re scared and I don’t think they know what’s going on. They need support I can no longer give. This is a nuanced situation. Abuse isn’t black and white - it never is or was. (And fucks sake - don’t any of you call the police - my spouse is a black queer person who is trying the best they can and I fucking love them. We are separated and they’re safe and I’m safe. Just don’t dare do it. I am begging all of you to just listen.)

*I need to put myself first and this is me doing that.*

They aren’t in their right mind right now and will likely say things that paint me in a bad light. I’m putting my truth out here to fight against this inevitability. I am definitely not faultless (a relationship - even a dysfunctional one - takes more than one after all), but I deserve more. I don’t believe that I deserve more but I do and I’m trying to believe it.

I am seeking a divorce from my spouse and going no contact with them except for the logistics of divorce and lease conclusion. Any attempts to contact me on their behalf will be construed as siding with my abuser.

This is a recent realization. I need time to process. Yes obviously I see a therapist. If you contact me and I don’t respond, please know that I’m safe. I’ll try to send my contact info to people before I delete this account."

--

Since then, I've come a long way.

It has come clear to me that much of the emotional and narcissistic abuse was intentional and that they need serious help if they want to stop emotionally abusing other people in the future. It takes time to realize, process, understand, recognize the patterns, and move forward. For both victims and abusers alike.

I am healing.

I never want to be with them again. I hope they find peace one day.

They fucked me over financially with their lawyer (confirmed this morning, and I have been recovering since that phone call - my finances have been the worst of my adult life since I left, and after growing up in a family that financially struggled, I hate that they put me in this situation). After putting me through all of that.

I absolutely gaslit myself through much of our relationship.

I am more stable every day DESPITE the emotions. I will never betray my body or self by not listening to my emotions. My anger is justified. My grief is justified. My joy is so so so real. My health is improving. I am going to succeed despite it all.

--

It's so surreal.

[pagesofangels]

If things are not happening the way they were meant to for you, then remember that you are the only one who can actively change that. Give your partner an ultimatum—if you’re not at least moved in together in six months you’re leaving. Honestly *I* would dump him flat out because I cannot abide people who are in debt to others and I believe that shitty past choices are a major indicator of character and how the future will unfold, at least where money is concerned. If he can’t be trusted to manage his money wisely as a single young adult, imagine having a family. This probably sounds heartless, but much as you love him he may not be suitable for what you want/need out of life and you should think, “In sixty years when I’m on my deathbed, if I continue living the way I am now, will it be the biggest regret of my life?”

Well, there's a lot more nuance to it than I made it sound. Neither of us want to rent, we'd rather buy a house together -- and we told each other we're in it for the long haul. No timeline set, but I am aware he wants kids one day and I've very much made it known I'm open to the idea of marriage. He doesn't like to plan the same way I do, it gives him anxiety. Meanwhile my planning habit helps ease my anxiety.

The situation is that five years ago he bought a house with his childhood best friend, they may as well be brothers. That means he has bills and half a mortgage to pay, while I have never moved put of my childhood home (I know it's fucking pathetic, let's just move on). Therefore, I have more saved up although I make less than him annually.

Financially, it is literally impossible for either of us to move out, because neither of us have a lot saved. And on his end, he would need to find another roommate so his buddy doesn't get fucked over on the house payments.

I'm really fucking frustrated that he did this, but it was three years before we met so a future with me wasn't in the picture. I really tried talking yo him about it last night, and his anxiety kinda made him snap at me. He said the idea of moving house too soon freaks him out because, let's face it, he made a dumbass move even buying that property.

He says he DOES want yo move in with me, but no sooner than a few years from now when hopefully the hoysing market is better.

So, that's why my life plans are on a delay, as are many other young couples. I just don't know what to do, and the frustration has had me on the verge of tears all day at work.

[tsvaling]

Announcement? Update? Screaming at the void? I don’t know what to call this right now, so if anyone is curious about what the hell I’ve been doing all this time read on...

So, I’ve been getting a few asks about my ongoing fics and whether I’m going to continue them because I haven’t posted a new chapter in 2+ years. Well, as everyone knows, Covid fucked everything up, and 2020 was just a horrendously shitty year on the whole to start with. I have been insanely lucky to avoid getting sick (helps I do not socialize outside of work whatsoever, but considering I work in dental and am literally in people’s mouths all day - yeah, really fucking lucky to have avoid illness). But, the external stress and anxiety the ongoing plague has caused in me has really messed with my ability to write or do anything.

But, as I announced at the end of last year, I’m back in school. I took two classes in the spring and got A’s in both, with such amazingly consistent feedback on my writing that it began to inspire me again.... Except right as I was regaining my confidence, more shit started happening in my personal life to blow a hole in my intentions.

I’ll put the details to that under a cut at the end so if people don’t want to read the shit that’s led to endless existential dread and a burdensome mid-life crisis, you can ignore that part. I’ll just get to the point here.

Despite all the shit that’s been weighing on me the last few months... years, really... I do know I absolutely cannot continue to work where I’m at. I need to get out of the medical field for the sake of my mental health, as well as physical health. But, I can’t just quit because I have bills to pay and I don’t have anything lined up to move on to. I genuinely want to work from home, focusing on what I love and would like to do for a living - writing. My whole plan of getting a Master’s in Library Science after completing my B.A. is still kind of there, but all the feedback I got and the excitement I’m feeling for my writing courses has really told me that writing is something I need to be doing, but I can’t make money off fanfic (copyright law’s a lot stricter with writing versus art).

I’m almost afraid to announce this because it’s probably way too early, but I am working on an original high fantasy romance story that I intend to publish. I’m only in the early planning/ outlining/ worldbuilding stage, but it’s something I really want to write. It’s a smaller scale than a high fantasy saga I’ve had rattling around in my head for years, but it came to me and seems more manageable as a first foray into self-publishing that might give me a base to then spring into the larger saga that’s gotten more solid in shape over the years.

My plan for this is to make a Patreon once I have a solid draft of the story written, then post two chapters a week as I go through my early editing process, and then publish it as an ebook once I’m satisfied - likely using whatever funds I manage to get from Patreon to pay for an outside editor to finalize the book.

But, as I said, this is all in the early planning and hopeful yearning stage of my idea to make a career out of writing. I am absolutely terrified that even speaking about it may jinx me just because of how this year has gone, but I am excited to see if I can do it (all while also taking three classes this fall, ahahahaha).

As to what this means for my fanfic - I don’t know. I still really want to finish Amber Curse, but it’s become so difficult for me to concentrate on my fics that I might not be able to go back to it. Or, I might use it as a way to take a break from my own original work, especially since I can get away with sporadic posting and still get really great and inspiring feedback from people. We’ll see. I know I hate the idea of disappointing anyone with an incomplete story, especially one that is so BIG. So, while that’s sort of in limbo right now, I haven’t forgotten about it.

I’ll try to be more active on here, too - give updates about my process when I can.

But, for those curious as to what I’ve been dealing with this year that’s really fucked with my head, the details are under the cut. Fair warning for those who don’t want to be dragged down, there are mentions of illness and sudden death in the family.

Edit: Realized the post is on the long side, so the cut isn’t working on the mobile platform - so everything after this is just depressing shit you don’t have to read if you don’t want to.

At the beginning of the year my aunt died. She was my dad’s little sister and while we hadn’t been in regular contact with that side of the family, it still took a huge hit on my mental health. To add to it, at that same time, my dad discovered he had a lesion in his throat that came back as lymphoma. Fortunately it was caught early enough and is a form of lymphoma that responds incredibly well to chemo, so after three bouts of chemo and a few weeks of radiation, there is no sign of lymphoma in his system. But my dad is the type to panic over everything (I get it from him), and believe he’s going to die when he only has a common cold, so hearing he has cancer literally a few weeks after his sister died... yeah, not great news.

I am an only child, and I live with my parents, so I had to go with my dad to as many appointments as my schedule would allow so that I could help him understand the prognosis, treatment outcomes, and side effects. My mom’s also been having trouble driving, so anything he needed a driver for fell on me. To add to it, I had to basically act as his therapist and constantly reassure him that he is not going to die. My father and I had a very tense relationship when I was younger, and while we are on better terms now, spending any time with him is stressful because I’m innately terrified of him, but to add to it, I have to remain calm and be the voice of reason and reassurance throughout all this. Even when in the middle of a panic attack, I have to do everything in my power to mask it to make sure I don’t add to whatever the fuck my dad is freaking out about. Add to this extreme burnout from a job that requires me to show compassion and empathy to complete strangers on a regular basis that I no longer really have because it’s all used up - yeah, this whole thing has beaten down my already poor mental health.

And then, right as we were nearing the end of my dad’s treatment - literally he had one more radiation treatment the next day - my mom had a stroke. Again, we were insanely fortunate we caught it as early as we did. She had no signs of paralysis or facial drooping, but was extremely confused with verbal aphasia (word salad) worsening by the minute. My dad and I rushed her to the ER, they got a clot-busting medication into her within two hours of symptoms appearing, and she was pretty much back to normal and transferred to an ICU bed by the next morning. But, again, I had to act as medical advisor from the moment my dad noticed my mom’s changed mental state - assessing her symptoms as a nurse would and making the split second decision to go to the ER, and then literally assisted the nurse in the ER who was assigned to watch over her while the medication did its thing. I am not a nurse for a reason, and being my mother’s caretaker reaffirmed that reason, but my dad was relegated to a corner to do his best to hide his compulsion to freak the fuck out while I just took over all the hands-on work to keep my mom calm and give the nurse an extra pair of hands when my mom needed moving.

All of this has just reaffirmed that life is too short and I am too young to be facing my parents’ inevitable mortality. Chances are they will live for at least another 10 years, but they will need me to take care of them more and more over that time. While I am very fortunate that they are both still mobile and independent, these last few months have kept me on edge waiting for the next emergency to crop up.

Writing is therapeutic for me, so being stuck in a cycle of not being able to write but wanting to write has only made all this worse. But, I am forcing myself to break that cycle. Even if all I’m writing are little blurbs of poetry for myself, it is still something to maintain a fraction of my sanity. Hopefully things will calm down now that my parents have gotten over these hurdles and I can have some time to focus on my work, but if I suddenly go MIA again, chances are something major happened with piss poor timing again.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don't know what to TW this as, I don't think this is quite financial abuse but there's definite gaslighting mentioned here.

I live at home with my mum, and I'm an only child. She is my carer, as I am disabled, but she is verbally and emotionally abusive at times.

Medical professionals have determined that while one of my conditions may improve (which is not impacting my physical ability), my others will not, and she cannot accept that. She keeps saying if we rebuild my stamina, I could go out and do things every day, and this is not true, and even doing things every other day damages my body after a week.

Now, I do not need supervision all the time, I mostly need her when I leave the house or to cook meals if they need the stove or preparing, so she can go out when she likes - we eat dinner together anyway, with the same food - but I feel like she wants me to get better so she can do trips out and get me to pay for them.

I only say this because if we go out together, she makes me pay for everything, even if she's the one who asked (or begged me to go with her) because suddenly 'she's only there for me' and I must have forgotton that I wanted to go in the first place which is a load of bollocks unless that happens every single time, but it's really bugging me.

I know it seems like quite the accusation, but I'm really tired of it and have no way of truly escaping without becoming completely housebound and limited to unhealthy meals. My only hope is if I find a partner willing to give up their independent life, but it can be hard to do that when you have a parent hovering over your shoulder when not in the house. I got close once but he was abusive in all the ways, worse than her, but she has the same behaviours so that worries me, too.

(also she literally said recently that even if I got better enough that she could get a job and stop being my carer, she'd prefer to keep that quiet so she doesn't have to work as she feels done with that)

I don't really know what this is, I think I'm asking for reassurance that I'm not going crazy and that her behaviour is odd at least - I understand that to her, a full life is out and about every single day, but even if that was my ideal life, it's not healthy for me and there is nothing stopping her from doing those things without me, other than my money. And given I pay for 75% of the bills/shopping/rent, even for things that are not in my name, plus my own bills, she can afford to go out and spend a bit of money on these things (she spent £100 on a bird feeder last week then whined that she was skint and needed money from me, so maybe she just needs to prioritise, but still, not really the point).

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that you're not going crazy and your concerns are valid.

While it sounds like your mom may be coming from a place of optimism by suggesting that your stamina could be improved, it's important for her to understand that it doesn't really work like that and she needs to digest the fact that your disability does have its limits, especially considering the damage it can potentially do to your body to ignore that.

It doesn't sound fair that she makes you pay for everything. It's understandable to be exhausted by this. Considering the circumstances it should really be her paying for these things, especially because they seem to largely be her ideas. Worst comes to worst perhaps splitting a bill (evenly, might I add), but you shouldn't be covering expenses every single time, that's simply unbalanced and exploitative.

Please let us know if there's anything we can to do help you in this situation. It doesn't sit right with me the idea that you're just stuck in this position and I wish there was something I could do.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[pepperstreak]

google's not helping; what did punk do that's got people upset?

Jesus Christ...

Firstly; How is Google not helping? This was all any reporter was writing about for weeks.

Secondly; Honey, of all the people you could have asked, I don't think you could have possibly asked anyone less qualified. I mainly absorb drama through memes if not just outright avoid it altogether. But I'll do my best,,, I guess...

So it started at the All Out Media Scrum, it's still up on the AEW YouTube channel so you can go watch it, Punk's time is only about 20 minutes and he'sthe first one on. Here's the (link)

So it started at the Media Scrum, except it actually probably started here (Link)

Hangman made a few comments during this promo that didn't make a lot of sense to me, then people were telling me it was about the CM Punk/Colt Cabana drama, a drama that I don't know enough about to comment on either, so I'm not going to risk putting my foot in my mouth more than I'm probably already going to.

So that happened, and Drama do as Drama does, and attracted reporters to print out their new takes on old drama.

Then the Media Scrum happened.

I just watched it for the first time to make this post, (from bottom to top because I write weird)

So the video starts with a reporter asking a question that I can't make out, and Punk just goes the fuck off, for like 5 whole minutes. Talking about not liking Cabana, swearing (literally and figuratively, seriously there's so much cussing) up and down he didn't get him fired and he doesn't care what he's doing with his life and hasn't cared for ages. Something that, again, idk anything about.

Then he implies, if not outright says, that the EVPs (which everyone pretty much takes to mean Kenny and the Bucks) are the one's who started those rumors and they're unprofessional and arrogant and more cussing.

Then he calls Hangman an idiot and Untalented. This is the only part I can 1000% object to, how dare he. I love Hangman and won't hear a word against him. Everything else I am clueless as a clam (or however the saying goes) but I won't stand for Hangman slander. Punk can absolutely choke over this. Yes I am a fangirl but yeah, this is the one thing I won't change my mind on.

Punk goes on for the rest of his time, he interrupts Tony a few times, calls MJF a prick (possibly in kafabe), talks about Moxley and him bonding over misdiagnosed staff infections. He possibly contradicts himself talking about the AEW roster having a lot of talent, weird thing to say after trash talking everything that lives and breathes but okay.

Then at the end I think another reporter brought up Cabana again?? Again I couldn't hear any of the questions being asked. But it's honestly just as likely that Punk just decided he wasn't done talking about it. He doesn't really add much to what he already said, he tries to insult Colt by saying he owns a bank account with his mom. Which.. okay..? I think he was implying Colt's a mama's boy, or maybe he needs his mom's money? Idk cause I know my dad shared an account with my grandma as a way to pay for her hospital bills? Something about insurance I think.

So a lot of this, again, I cannot stress this enough, is above my pay grade (which is nothing btw, no one's paying me.. why am i doing this?). Idk enough about running a company, wrestling drama, colt Cabana, colt Cabana's mother, or backstage stuff to condemn what was said. I know a lot of people have been complaining about AEW's storylines lately, which could be mismanagement, it could also be that a lot of wrestlers all got injured one after another, plus other drama that I only know of through memes, could throw off plans, I don't know.

Also, and this is me sitting in front of my computer pulling this out of my ass as I type, possibly some of the EVP comments could be Kafabe? I'm just saying cause the Bucks have built a gimmick around "killing the business" as they say? Like not listening to veterans and just.. doing what they want? Idk probably not, I'm probably just being dense.

So afterwards, it got messy

There was a fight backstage. It first came out that the Bucks came to Punk's room and kicked down the door, and so punk felt threatened and started swinging. Then that didn't make any sense so then the story was the Bucks and Kenny came to talk to Punk, then Punk felt threatened and he swung first and a fight broke out. Then it came out that Ace Steele (who was there) bit someone? Then it came out that nick got knocked out? There was chair throwing? The Bucks threw chairs? Ace threw chairs? Kenny Dog Rescue? Kenny got Bit by Ace Steele? Punk transformed into the Antichrst and ate the Elite and the ones walking around now are Demon constructs? (Some of that is not, in fact, true... [I think I'm funny])

Basically there's no footage, no unbiased takes, everyone got suspended, Ace Steele got fired, Elite are back, Punk status unconfirmed.

That's all I know definitively.

There's more stuff that came out. The Elite aren't the only EVPs in the company. The Elite weren't the only ones to confront Punk. Stuff about Punk being toxic backstage. Punk having an ego. The Elite having an ego. Mismanagement from management. This and that. That? Idk anything about that. Don't ask me about that cuz idk.

My personal opinion? I don't have one. Leave me alone. Shoo. Don't be mean to Hangman, that's my opinion. Hopefully I haven't made too big a fool of myself.

And most importantly;

Don't listen to me I'm An idiot

I might delete this if people get weird about it

[themostrestlesskidintown]

// @themostdramaticboyintown @themostcuriousgirlintown we take a brejf break form all the angst forn phillip isabella abd echo incorrect quotes <3

Phillip: Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute person but I'm not!

Echo: Phillip, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday.

Phillip: It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it!

Isabella: ...It was a bug.

Phillip: It was a BEETLE, and its wife is definitely worried sick, wondering where it is, and I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental because I'm not!

Echo: ...

Isabella: ...

Phillip: Stop looking at me like that!

Echo: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Phillip.

Isabella: You just said it again.

Phillip

Echo: I am not a role model.

Phillip: Isabella and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.

Echo: What did you do?

Phillip: They chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-

Isabella: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?

Echo: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box.

Isabella: Did Phillip say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'?

Echo: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–

Echo: I think I need a hug...

Phillip: Good thing I'm hug shaped!

*45 minutes later*

Echo: You... you can let go now.

Phillip: No, I absolutely cannot.

Phillip, in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.

Isabella: Can I go to the bathroom?

Phillip, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

Phillip: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be?

Echo: Bleach.

Isabella: Sewage.

Phillip: ...Please calm down, edgelords.

Phillip: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

Echo: What's wrong with you??

Phillip: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Isabella: No, they mean other than that.

Phillip: Ohhhhhh.

Phillip: I haven't slept in 4 days.

Phillip: Where are you going?

Isabella: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!

Phillip: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!

Echo, knowing full well that Phillip got Isabella an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*

Phillip: Hi, sorry I’m late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted.

Isabella: I’m “a couple of things”.

Echo: I’m “got distracted".

Phillip: *sneaking in through their window*

Isabella: *turning in their chair and flicking the light one* You want to tell me where you've been all night?

Phillip: I was with Echo?

Echo: *turning in their chair* Wanna try again?

Phillip: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Echo's birthday invitations.

Isabella: Well, what are they supposed to say?

Phillip: "Echo's birthday".

Isabella: So, what do they say instead?

Phillip: "Echo’s bi".

Isabella:

Isabella: Works out either way.

*Isabella dies in a game with ships*

Phillip: This ship is no longer a ship of love, it's a ship of vengeance, a gavel of justice against all that is wrong in the world, showing no mercy, as no mercy was shown to us.

Phillip: The spark of love will now fuel the fires of destructive glory as I wage my war across the world with righteous fury.

Echo: Legend has it that Isabella still haunts the ship, stealing my fucking drinks.

Isabella: Of course I do.

Isabella: Echo, what are you doing?

Echo: Making chocolate pudding.

Isabella: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding?

Echo: Because I've lost control of my life.

Echo: Here's your pudding, Philip.

Philip: Oh that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

Philip: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited.

Isabella: "If"

Echo: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and they might not even die.

*Echo is casually searching around the room*

Isabella: Hey Echo, what’re you looking for?

Echo: My will to live.

*Philip walks into the room*

Echo: Oh, there it is.

Philip: It’s funny how well you and Echo get along. Didn’t they hate you at first?

Isabella: Echo hates everybody at first. It’s their way of reaching out to people.

Philip: How do you do that?

Echo: I'm fearless.

Isabella: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad.

Echo: I'm mostly fearless.

Philip: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Echo way.

Isabella: Isn't that the wrong way?

Philip: Yes, but it's faster.

*Something crashes*

Isabella: Shoot-

Philip: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?!

Echo: *walking by the room calmly* What died?

*Isabella teaching Philip to drive and taking Echo along for the ride*

Isabella: That's a pothole. To the left!

Philip: Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*

Echo, sticking their face into the front over the center console: Cha Cha real smooth.

Philip: I don't think that's how the song goes.

Isabella, crying and gripping the handle: Please just take me home.

Philip: Country Roads.

Echo: To the place.

Philip and Echo in unison: I Belong!

Isabella, crying harder: What the fuck?

[editorialsonlife]

Grief is just like, the wildest ride ever on so many levels and I'm so so so struggling to articulate anything meaningfully at the moment. But here's a brain dump anyway coz it's been a shit 24 hours and my heart hurts and frankly so do my eyes after so much crying. It's v rude.

~ I feel like I've lost so much connection with people because I just don't even know what to say anymore. I don't wanna be the girl who's like oh my dad died adn now my life is a mess but also I am the girl who's dad died and whose life is an absolute fucking mess and it's like, how long can I sit here and cry about it but really it's only been 2 months and of course I'm still crying over it. AND I would literally not expect that standard from anyone else in my life. Someone close to you died unexepctedly? you best believe you live your best messy life and I'll be here until it's done ya know. I'm not going to expect them to be over it in two seconds flat that's just ludicrous and not a standard I should be holding my own self to. it's just dumb.

~ it's really hard to acknowledge and give credence to the absolute weight of everything I am carrying right now and if I sit down and list out everything that is on my plate right now it's simply overwhelming. Work is massive, home life is massive, mum is massive, grief is a ridiculous weight dragging me down, and there is absolutely every reason in the world why I get home and cocoon myself in bed every night and just shut down on every level because I literally cannot process any more. I do not have any more to give to people and that's really hard for someone who prides herself on showing up for the people in my life. It's hard on my ego who wants to be a success at this job and be able to create change and rebuild this fucking team when I'm working with a group of people who are fighting it every damn step of the way. It's hard on my soul because it absolutely sucks listening to someone else sobbing on the other end of the phone and knowing there is literally nothing you can do to change anything apart from sit there and bear witness to it and hold as much space as you can for them.

~ this is really reinforcing the absolute worst of my individualistic, we live alone and die alone tendencies on a level I can't even explain. And I know withdrawing to manage it all and trying to hold it all in is my go to coping mechanism anyway but jesus freaking christ it is rough. and yet, I will never not stop going on about community care and showing up for others and being with them and surely part of all of this is learning to lean on others as well even if it is rough. I just don't know where the answer and the boundaries sit and like whats the point in talking about it because Dad died and it sucked and sitting there and watching that for a month has destroyed me and like, cool?

~ the absolute wildness of how 'back to normal' people expect is bonkers. Like sure we're now in back to back meetings again and trying to sort things out and talk to finance teams about dumb fucking systems and here let me schedule 30 minutes for my mental breakdown in here because when else is it going to happen? like, the world will not acknowledge that everything has changed and I don't know how to integrate everything that has happened into day to day life and like so. many. other. things. society simply does not allow space for the fact that not everything is perfectly fine all the time? I still have to pay bills and the mortgage and function as an adult all while feeling like I can't breathe because my world is so beyond fucked and it is ruthlessly, exhaustingly hard.

~even while it is ruthlessly exhaustingly hard, it is also beautiful too, and isn't that part of the hardest contradiction of all? my cherry tree is blossoming and it's gorgeous. The cat has become a snuggler and I'm 100% the favourite and she curls up in my lap every night. Dave gives no end of hugs and wipes my tears away for me. We spent the weekend with Lynaire and Hayden and Izzy and even though she won't talk to us she still made us go down the slides with her. The trees at the river are all green again. Spring is well and truly here and summer is on the way as well.

I turned up to counselling today and Anne just wrapped me in the weighted blanket and sat there and said I will sit with you through all of this for as long as it takes and there's no need to pretend to be ok here and I just sobbed because it's so hard. It's so fucking hard.

There's no answers, and there's moments of respite and relief, but there's just getting through it and it's rubbish and I'm so existentially tired.