#i like the first versions of them more. great king rat is a lot more fun on bbc than on Queen

[squingy]

bought a Queen II record today and man. the songs on the black side all blend together so well. despite my player's shitty speakers it sounds much better this way. maybe they blend together digitally, too, but its never something i noticed until now. hearing them seamlessly change from one to another makes me appreciate the album itself a bit more, though its not like i needed that to like the album. Queen II is probably one of my favorites regardless

[forevergazingatstars]

Today I did something I thought I would never do

I beat The Last of Us Part 2 on grounded mode.

I started playing this game in 2022, about 5 months after I had beaten the first game. Both of these games have always been very close to my heart even before I had the chance to play them.

While I know part 2 is not nearly as beloved in the community as part 1 and, in my honest opinion, I definitely prefer the story of part 1 to part 2. However, ever since I beat part 2 for the first time, I've found myself drawn to it time and time again. I've played through this game on at least 5 separate occasions and spent over 100 hours in it. To put it bluntly, this game feels so good to play.

Maybe going agaist the intentions of the game makers, but shooting people has never felt as good as it feels here. People usually say they hate shooting on controller, but Naughty Dog did a phenomenal job at making the gun play actually feel responsive and good. Like as much as the story makes me want to rip my hair out, there's nothing quite as satisfying as getting to blow peoples heads off afterwards.

Now to get to the point, you might be asking "why'd you say you thought you'd never beat grounded?" to put it in simple terms, I am a level A coward :D just the idea of having to go through this 20 hour game without listening mode terrified me. I do not like dying nor getting spooked by an enemy popping out of nowhere. Also I was convinced that if I ever did make it all the way to the rat king that that would be it and I would be stuck there forever.

Well, what ended up happening was that in April of this year I beat the game on permadeath, which meant I had every single other achievement in the game and I thought "FUCK IT I'M GIVING GROUNDED A TRY" and then I failed miserably.... I ended up not even making it to Abby's section, I got stuck in the mall fight on Ellie day 3 and I just got so incredibly frustrated that I quit.

However, then a couple months passed, and I did have one trick up my sleeve. My first attempt of grounded had been on the normal version, not grounded+. I had wanted to not beat the game on grounded+ just to prove to myself that I could do it without the extra help, but sometimes you have to admit that you need help so again I tried with all my great guns and upgrades.

I will say, my thing about being afraid of not having listening mode proved to not be that much of an issue. The main emotion I felt while playing was not fear, but pure frustration and rage. God this game is so ANNOYING. Like you'd think the gap between survivor and grounded wouldn't be that bad, but it felt like night and day. I kept getting stuck and dying and my main strategy just ended up being to run for my life :D I know grounded isnt even near the hardest gaming challenges and maybe it was just a skill issue but man did I spend hours in some fights not making any progress at all.

Now you might be thinking, what about the rat king? I am happy to say that I BEAT THAT FUCKER FIRST TRY. I wish so badly that I had gotten it on video, because I have never been that locked in during my entire life. It felt like I had become Abby in that moment and I was channeling all my rage into killing that thing. Actually, I struggled wayyyyy more with Ellies bloater fight than the rat king, which was very surprising considering it's the other way around usually.

When I had beaten Abby in the final fight and I was watching the last few cutscenes, I got a bit emotional and teary eyed, which honestly surprised me a lot considering how many times I've played this game. Even during my first playthrough I only cried during the beginning when Ellie was going through Joels home. Maybe I was just happy the suffering would finally be over? I mean I do relate to Ellie on the level that I've also lost my father. Maybe my emotions were heightened because of the struggle and the 6 month journey it took me to get here.

To end this extremely long post I'd just like to say that if you ever think you can't do something, just try it anyway. Even if you end up failing, it's important to challenge yourself and besides, you can always try again. I know beating a video game isnt the coolest thing in the world but I am so proud of myself for not giving up.

[moonbiscuitsims]

TAG // WHAT’S IN MY BAG?

Olive Specter / Ophelia Nigmos (TS2 premade characters recreated in TS4)

Rules: Post a description and/or photo of what things your Sim/OC would take along with them in their bag. Tag other people you want to participate!

Thank you so much @hamsterbellbelle for tagging me and giving me an excuse to open Sims again!

My sims of choice aren’t OC’s because I suck at giving OC’s personality haha I love premades so I chose Ophelia Nigmos and Olive Specter (I couldn’t choose lol). Was gonna only choose Olive as a eerie/spooky theme for October but I love Ophelia too much. These are my Sims 4 recreations of them though (mainly cause I have more clutter, more detailed lot and the sims 2 one and I find it easier to bunch clutter together with the alt key and tool mod, and I wanted to do a photo version). Don’t know if it’s ok to do the challenge with a premade or more than one sim or not OC but idc about rules

Please ignore the fact that none of this sh*t would actually fit in a bag :D Sims’ inventories are infinite anyway.

Ophelia’s bag:

Rainbow Beach Towel

Unfolded cardboard dance mat

Football (or soccer ball)

American Football

Water bottle

Comics

Homework

Letter from Johnny

Phone and Keys

Journal with doodles

Music journal (my Ophelia writes songs and raps)

Selfies with Johnny

Pencil

Cosmetics

Mini Pusheen

Lollipop

Tamagotchi

A naughty j**** Ripp gave her at school, but don’t tell Olive…Ophelia doesn’t wanna live buried in Olive’s lovely “garden” thank you.

Olive’s bag:

Creepy ass sh*t including:

A literal f**king Death Note (the Grim Reaper was like “yeah use this when you wanna see me hun”)

Dark Magic Tomes

A black rose in a skull from the Grim Reaper (his gift to her on their first death I mean date)

A vile of poison

A vile of one of her dead husband’s blood, she can’t remember which or why she kept it.

Her favourite perfume from Morocco

Sage smudge sticks for all those pesky victim ghosts, she really should have thought the whole murdering everyone and burying them at home thing through…

Tarot deck

Crystal ball (she uses it to talk to her dead husbands when she needs something or when the Grim Reaper ghosts her… 

A taxidermy crow

A creepy rat skull

A witchy dagger thingy

A revolver

Cigarettes

F**king knitting

Neutral lipstick

Candles

I don’t really know who to tag tbh but if I didn’t tag you and anyone who sees this can participate and tag me if you want!!! It would be great!! 

Imma tag random mutuals and other blogs/players I like, no pressure to participate! 

@radical-sims @simarty @nf0xy @nefarrilou @simgone @faelegacy @hexpresso-macchiato @siliconesims @emperorofthedark @sammysundog (simsalutation to you <3 idk if you do these kinds of things)  @simmerprincess17 @adrift-in-andromeda @lowvintagesims @arachnophobic-larantula (I know yours isn’t a simblr, but in case you wanna do this challenge with your Cyberpunk or another game &lt;3) @half-rainbow-sandwiches

[fan-maniaer]

After a while of working on it, I would like to share my own tmnt universe called

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : The Hamato Destiny

Or TMNTTHD for short.

I would like to share the ages of the turtles for each of them there personallys there friends and villains. Let's go with their ages first.

Donnatello is 17 years old. The oldest of the brothers.

Raphael and Leonardo are 15 the murder twins I like to call them.

Michaelangelo 14, the youngest of the four turtles.

In my version, Donnie starts out as leader because of him being the oldest he views it as his responsibility to protect his siblings at all cost. Even if it means sacrificing his own well-being. He is still the tech guy in this version, and he likes his siblings to utilize his tech a lot in missions, and he gets very upset if they don't use them like he intended. He also has a werid obsession with dragons (I wonder why). He's also a great cook.

Raphael is the silent type who likes to smash heads on and break bones, but he also likes the feeling of water on his skin, and most of the time, his siblings will gind him just Submerged in water. He also likes stuffed animals, and his room is full of it, and his twin brother likes to make fun of him for it. And yes, this guy does have a bit of anger issues, but it's most of the time controlled and only let loose in very stressful situations. He also likes to exercise a lot, especially in his free time.

Leonardo likes to play pranks and make puns most of the time. But he is also a big animal lover and likes to spend most of his time at the zoo when it's closed and no one's around. He is also like his twin likes to smash heads in and break bones he's just less violent about it as Raph. He also can camouflage with his surroundings, which (most of the time) helps him pull off most of his pranks. He also looks up to his big brother Donnie (tho he'll never admit it out loud).

Michaelangelo, the little sister of the group she is the youngest and uses that power to the fullest. Like having Donnie not put her on top of the fridge. (She doesn't like the fridge punishment). She is also a great singer and cook (she asked Donnie one day to teach her how to cook and he agreed). She is also a little artist and likes to paint and draw all over the lair. She is also very close with april sense thereb oth the only females of the group. She also sometimes helps Leo out on his pranks.

Speaking of April, she's the first human who they make friends with. April and the Turtles met when they we're all kids and theu all been inseparable sense then. She is very close with both Mikey and Donnie, thanks to Mikey being the only other female of the group and Donnie and her being the oldest of the group.

I would like to mention splinter, but I don't have a lot to say about him right now other than he starts out as an emotionally absent father and didn't teach them anything about Ninjasue (at least at first). But he does get better over time.

Now on to the villains. I can't really say much about them yet sense it would be spoiling a lot of the plot, but I will name each big bad

1 Rat King

2 Drako

3 Baxter stockman/Superfly

4 Jigoku

5 Kurōn

6 Karai and Bonesteel

7 The Krang

8 Savanti Romero

That's all for now. I'll probably explain more of this au in another post. But here are some sneak peaks of their designs for now!

[redheadlesbianfreak]

What did you think about the Michael Bay TMNT movie? I haven't seen it and don't follow TMNT in general, but I'm curious about what you thought because his movies can be pretty divisive.

This is an interesting ask, because I definitely have a lot to say about these two movies! I'll start with the designs of the turtles. I think these are one of my least favorite designs for the turtles, and I'll explain why. For one, the TMNT have always been very short and stocky. This is because they are usually mutated from tiny turtles you would find in pet shops (such as box turtles or red-eared sliders). The turtles themselves are generally around 5 feet or even 4 feet depending on the adaptation.

((I'll go ahead and list a few examples. Here are the heights of the turtles tallest to shortest in 2012: Donatello is 5'6, Leonardo is 5'1, Raphael is 5'0, and Michelangelo is 4'11. In the 2003 series, the turtles are roughly the same height at about 5 feet. The adult human characters tower over them. The original turtles depicted in the Mirage comics are even shorter! Donatello is 5'1, Leonardo is 5'0, Michelangelo is 4'8, and Raphael is the smallest at 4'6!))

This is a bit silly, but I care a great deal about the turtles being small! I think it's cool to have a group of guy superheroes who are short and stocky, rather than massive, muscular dudes. It subverts expectations and gender roles. And it really adds to the idea that these guys are underdogs, as you have these short kings going against giant mutants. It's something I've always appreciated. The designs of the turtles in the Bay movies really feels like it's trying to appeal to this weird male fantasy by making them huge monsters.

But it seriously backfired. Most die-hard fans were creeped out by the designs, and trying to make them look "realistic" made them look awful. They aren't very expressive and they do NOT look like teens--more like 40-year-old men. The only people I've seen who like these designs are middle aged women who think the Bay turtles are hot. Given the... specific camera angles they use for the movies, I guess I don't blame them. It feels like they accidentally sexualized the turtles in trying to make them fit this male fantasy ideal.

Onto the characters. I think that Donnie and Raph are the best. Raph is the most likable turtle by far, leading me to think that Raph is Michael Bay's favorite. Leo is pretty awful and it feels like he hates his brothers in the second movie. Mikey is also terrible, constantly flirting with and harassing April, which feels out of character for him. I don't feel a brotherly dynamic like in the other iterations. Raph and Leo act like divorced parents who are fighting over the custody of their children, Mikey and Donnie. Mikey and Donnie don't feel like they have a lot of agency at all.

Master Splinter is okay. I don't remember much about this version of Splinter and his design is way too realistic. They decided to have this version of Splinter start out as a rat, and I prefer it as him starting as a human who mutated into a rat. April is oversexualized in a pretty dehumanizing way. Megan Fox stated that she was treated poorly by Michael Bay, so it's uncomfortable watching her in this film. This version of Casey Jones is one of my least favorites; they made him a cop instead of a vigilante, which is super anti-Casey.

The villains are very forgettable. Karai doesn't do anything in the first or second movie, and I can't believe they did her dirty twice. The Shredder is equally boring and unmemorable. I usually enjoy the Shredder a lot, so the fact that this version doesn't stand out isn't great. I liked Bebop and Rocksteady just fine for the second movie, and I also liked Baxter Stockman as well. Overall, the villains were far too generic, which is disappointing given TMNT's history of super iconic villains.

Now for the plot. The first movie's plot is super weak, and it doesn't feel like there's a main character. I think Raph is supposed to be the main character, but I can't tell. I don't remember much about the plot itself, aside from a few key moments. One moment that stuck with me was a scene where Donnie says that he licks the frosting off poptarts and puts them back in the box. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the 2014 movie, not even the famous elevator scene. Do what you will with that information.

The second movie's plot is a huge improvement. It looks nicer and it does a better job with the characterization. There is a clear main character in Leonardo and he does have an identifiable character arc. They recycled the tired "Leo vs Raph" plotline, which is disappointing. But that's an issue I have with most TMNT movies, so I try not to hold it against this one too much. Mikey is also less awful to April in this one, so that's neat I guess. They still have a scene where April dresses up as a "hot schoolgirl" for no reason, which is embarrassing.

They do come up with a cool concept: Donnie finds out how to make a substance that will turn the turtles into humans, and they can live on the surface. Leo tells Donnie to keep this from Mikey and Raph, who are hurt that Leo made that decision for THEM when they do find out. The whole thing causes Mikey and Raph to split from the team to work together, and it's honestly a really cool idea. In the end, all four decide to remain mutants. I do wish they did more with this concept, as it's super cool and adds nice tension to the plot.

I do have some issues with this movie. Remember how I said they made Casey Jones a cop? This movie has a bunch of bizarre military and police propaganda. The TMNT franchise is generally pretty critical the military and government (see the way the President of the US is depicted in TMNT 2003). But the military is depicted as not only the Good Guys, but they also accept the TMNT as heroes. In most other versions, the turtles are seen as monsters by the government and general public, and are essentially vigilantes as a result.

I would like to end with talking about the production of these two movies. Mainly the elephant in the room: Michael Bay. Many of the actors who've worked on this movie (notably Megan Fox) have stated that they were abused by Michael Bay. The working conditions were horrible. Even though the sequel improved some things writing-wise, it doesn't matter if the people working on this movie were abused. I don't want to see Michael Bay working on this franchise ever again, or frankly, working in film at all. They could easily give the job to a director/writer who would not abuse those working on the movie.

[no-face-no-shame]

"His face had an expression of calm, as though almost glad the end had come"

I've just finished watching the Netflix adaptation of "All Quiet on the Western Front" and I have some thoughts. The first one being - I haven't seen such marvelous screen adaptation in a while, despite the changes introduced to the plot. So if you're any interested in what I have to say, let me elaborate.

I'm a big fan of anti-war literature, though "fan" might be a bit of a strange way of phrasing it. But I've read enough of the "genre classics" to have some general knowledge of how those stories are usually developed (might be just me being Easter European. Specifically Polish. We know something about wars.) And AQotWF is one of my favourites, alongside "Catch 22" and "King Rat." Throughout the whole movie I was in awe of how well it translates the atmosphere of the book. How well it establishes the characters, especially Kat (I'll talk about the characters later.) You immediately submerge into their world, you feel for them and you're anxious whenever they go into battle. My big problem with modern movies is how they just don't let you connect with the characters by rushing the plot. Here it's not a thing. AQotWF says exactly what it wants and how it wants.

The visuals are spectacular. I took some screenshots I'm planning on redrawing due to how beautifully filmed this movie is. And, finally, it's not too dark!! You can see what's happening even in scenes located in bunkers or taking place at night! I freaking missed that so much. The same goes for sound - you understand what the characters say (my knowledge of German is VERY limited, still I often didn't need the subtitles because the dialogues were recorded clearly.) The lighting does miracles, it perfectly supports the mood. The usage of colour is great. I'm a big fan of close-up shots (details can add so much) and I love how this movie delivers the best of it, with focusing on the faces and especially eyes.

The music deserves its own paragraph. Scarce, used only when needed, but what an effect it gives... Again, one of the best soundtracks I've heard in a while. There wasn't a single scene where I thought to myself "can y'all cut the damn music", which happens to me more often than I wish it did. Especially the main theme uses a lot of sounds that remind of metal, of shots and explosions, perfectly matching what you see. And the music in the very last scene is just beautiful and gentle. I heard something similar in my head while finishing the book. Peace and relief.

Costumes? So damn good. Finally a movie where the costumes are well-made, with precision and care. Another reason why it's so easy to immediately get into the presented world - you just believe it's real due to what you see. Hairstyles, clothes, make-up. Everything is very realistic.

The same goes for the special effects, both in terms of explosions/shots and the corpses. The scene with tanks and flamethrowers was a shocking experience even to me, someone used to war movies, due to how real it seemed. The tanks emerge from the mist like animals, some kind of monsters. Mind you, WW1 was the first time tanks were used and they weren't as common as in WW2. The absolute hysteria of the soldiers is so real because they indeed had no idea what to do while facing a tank. The sets are very detailed, the bleak views of the battlefield and faded, winter forests are again a visual masterpiece.

Now the changes. To me the most questionable change done was Kat's death. I prefer the book version - it was more moving. On the other hand, the nonsense of his death in the movie creates his own quality. He survived a war waged by adult men just to be killed by a boy over a few eggs. Eggs that for both sides might mean either survival or death of starvation. It wasn't the stupid generals, bullets and tanks that were his end - the poor farmer boy who knew his family will starve was. Still, I'd prefer to see the book version of events. While reading I was touched by Paul's desperation and dedication to saving his friend, and by Kat who wasn't able to tell Paul that he's been hit in the head, meaning that the wound was fatal. Paul's endeavour in carrying Kat across the battlefield, at some point already a dead body, was a great summary of how during war your effort might mean nothing just because you happen to be unlucky. If it was about skill, Kat would survive. From all of them, Kat should. But he was unlucky that one damn time. When the war was basically over, he lost his own.

Another difference was the fate of Tjaden. In the book, it was Kemmerich who was shot in the leg and died because of an amputation. Here, we have Tjaden who got shot, though he doesn't let the wound kill him - he commits suicide using a fork. A pretty brutal scene I was kind of expecting at the very secnd I saw the way he looked at the fork in his hand. Interesting take on human desperation - he didn't want to live as a disabled person as it would make it impossible for him to work as a policeman (his biggest dream.) This change is quite alright with me. I know it was probably done to not introduce more characters (Kemmerich), though I'd like to see the motive of the boots being taken by Müller and then given to Paul when Müller died as well. The conflict between not wanting your friend to die and such a down-to-earth matter like wanting better boots, in the end turning out to be meaningless, is an important thing to include. Still, the change wasn't that significant and it certainly wasn't a negative one.

And then Paul's death. I really appreciate the fact that the main character of the story dies because that was the only way for his story to end. And he dies at the very end of the war, as if because he had nothing else to do. He wasn't able to return to his old life. There was nothing left of it - at that point his mother was probably already dead due to her illness and he couldn't just go back to his town and live like nothing happened. Especially surrounded by people like his father, who didn't understand the changes done to him by the war. Paul's friends were dead. He'd be able to live with that, even though there was no one left of his class. Who would he study with? But Kat was gone too and that was too much. Paul gladly accepts his death because he's died already a long time ago, during the first time on battlefield. What was left after that was a moving body that didn't have much in common with the joyful student who'd once inhabited it.

The gesture of climbing up the stairs of the bunker, into the light of the day, is a beautiful visual metaphor. We walks around the trenches and in the background we see soldiers of both sides just sitting or gathering their dead. A second ago they were killing each other. But now it's 11 o'clock. Now it's peace. And the young boy, so similar to Paul from the beginning of the movie, takes his scarf, a scarf that has once belonged to someone else, someone who had died way earlier and who was known by Paul, not by the boy. The object is carried on even though the memory died. One of my favourite things added to the movie.

To sum things up - spectacular movie. Very worth watching, even if you're not into this genre. And if you haven't read the book, do yourself a favour and read it. It's not very long and I believe it's one of the stories you just should know.

If you read all of that, here is some warm soup -> 🥘🍲 and some bread to go with it -> 🍞

[demi-shoggoth]

2022 Reading Log pt. 21

101. The Rise and Reign of the Mammals by Steve Brusatte. This book covers mammalian evolution throughout synapsid history, starting in the Carboniferous and ending in the present day. There’s a lot of good information in here, both about the species themselves and the history of their discovery and discoverers. But I found the authorial voice consistently off-putting. Brusatte writes about evolution alternately like a war or a poker game, and there are constant references to dominating, beating or tricking other lineages, particularly dinosaurs. After crowing about how mammals survived and thrived in the Mesozoic by exploiting small body sizes and niches like eating seeds and insects, he dismisses all of bird evolution (which in the Cenozoic did the same thing) in a paragraph, and never talks about Cenozoic animals other than mammals at all. What’s weird is I don’t remember his previous book, The Rise and Fall of Dinosaurs, being so mercilessly jingoistic about its focus clade. Maybe the publisher told him to write more enthusiastically about a “less exciting” group; maybe it’s the zeal of the newly converted (Brusatte was primarily a dinosaur paleontologist until relatively recently); maybe the first book was this annoyingly written and I have forgotten.

102. The Accidental Ecosystem by Peter S. Alagona. This book is a short overview about how wild animals have moved into American cities, why American cities developed into places where animals can thrive, how humans are reacting to these and how we should in the future. The tone is generally optimistic but realistic—that cities can serve as oases of biodiversity during climate change and extinction events, but a world with only rats, crows and sparrows would be a depauperate one. Most of the book is organized around an incident of some charismatic megafauna making the news (like Pedals the bipedal bear of New Jersey, or a nesting pair of bald eagles blithely feeding their chicks fresh kitten), and then talking about that species in greater context. I’ve read several other books recently about human/animal interactions, and this one did the best job at being inclusive, talking about how parks can and have been used as agents of gentrification, the impact of economic decisions on the fate of cities and animals alike, and existing biases within ecology and evolutionary studies. Highly recommended.

103. Travels to the Otherworld and other Fantastic Realms, edited by Claude and Corinne Lecouteux, translated by Jon E. Graham. This is a collection of medieval European fantastic literature, although not all of it is necessarily fantasy in the modern sense. Some are religious visions, others historical fantasies, others excerpts from novels and folk tales. All of them are wild. Both as a look into the medieval mindset and for their various bizarre creatures and occurrences. Some highlights include multiple versions of the adventures of Alexander the Great, the Vision of Tundale, a German journey through Hell that’s much gnarlier than anything in Dante, and the adventures of Marcolf, the Sherlock Holmes to King Solomon’s Watson (!). Also highly recommended; this might be the most fun I’ve had with a book this year.

104. Empire of the Scalpel: The History of Surgery by Ira Rutkow. Just what it says on the cover. The book starts with trepanations of cavemen and progresses to the modern era. Rutkow follows the Great Man school of history, and many of the chapters are biographical sketches of a surgeon who was important in developing the field. It feels somewhat incomplete—not only are non-surgical advances in medicine basically ignored, the development of the modern American insurance state is glossed over, even as the book discusses how hospitals became prestigious institutions and surgeons very wealthy. The book also uses weird kennings, as if it were written by an Icelandic skald—surgeons are “scalpel wielders” or “students of the knife”, etc, as often as they’re just surgeons. I definitely learned stuff from this book (like the quack “orifical surgery”, which posed that all diseases could be cured by cutting out irregular shapes from the mouth, nose, anus and genital openings!), but found the book rather less than the sum of its parts.

105. Monster Anthropology, edited by Yasmine Musharbash and GH Presterudstuen. This is a collection of academic essays about monsters as cultural signifiers and participants. After a very good introduction (the Works Cited of which will keep me busy a long while), the bulk of the book looks at particular cultures and particular monsters. The book was published in Australia, and several of the essays are on the same group of Indigenous Australians, the Warlpiri, and their monsters (most of which have not penetrated Western consciousness, but the pankarlangu is starting to make some inroads). One minor note I found interesting—there’s an actual folkloric monster that fits the D&D concept of a rakshasa! The tepun of the Eastern Penan people in Borneo is a shapeshifting hedonist that has aspects of humans and tigers.

106. Scent: A Natural History of Fragrance by Elise Vernon Pearlstine. Gave up on 50 pages in. The book purports to be a natural history—what molecules are made by what plants, why, and how those plants live. The actual contents contain some of that, but much more cultural histories. I’ve read and enjoyed several books about the cultural history of plants recently, so I’m not inherently opposed to the concept. But the book is incredibly poorly organized. The narrative skips back and forth through time and space and species, words are used and then defined several pages later as if it’s the first time we’re seeing them, concepts will be repeated multiple times to the point of redundancy, and the preface and introduction contain the exact same sentences, twice! The fact that this book was published in this state is frankly embarrassing.

[natromanxoff]

Queen live at Forest National in Brussels, Belgium - August 24, 1984

Some parts of the Hammer To Fall promo video were filmed during this show - the camera was filming the audience reactions during TYMD, Radio Ga Ga and Hammer To Fall. On the next day 20 fans from the Dutch fan club were invited to come again to the filming of the promo video.

At the gig, the band asked the audience to return the following day for the shoot. However, most likely assuming it was all a joke, the vast majority stayed away; in fact only a dozen fans turned up. Undeterred, the shoot went ahead anyway, with the band's performance that day interspersed with footage shot the previous night.

(x)

This is the first show of The Works tour.

According to the July '89 issue of Record Collector, Queen ran through about 40 songs during rehearsals. This list of songs rehearsed that didn't end up in the setlist comes from someone who worked on the tour:

Great King Rat (longer version), Brighton Rock (full song), I'm In Love With My Car, Sweet Lady, White Man, We Will Rock You (fast), Play The Game, Need Your Loving Tonight, Put Out The Fire, Las Palabras de Amor, Life Is Real (both Freddie solo piano and Freddie/Brian acoustic duet versions)

The keyboardist for this tour (and also the '86 Magic tour) is session musician Spike Edney. He would also lend some vocals to many songs and play rhythm guitar in Hammer To Fall. He and Roger Taylor would form a band called "The Cross" in 1987 which spawned three albums, and he would return to Queen in the 21st century to play on the tours with Paul Rodgers and Adam Lambert.

Spike was recruited in a very informal way by a Queen associate. He went to Munich for their first rehearsal in early August, wound up partying for most of the first night, and missed the first day's rehearsal. It later transpired that everyone else had. He recalls, "The next day, we all managed to get to it eventually, to the first rehearsal, and all the gear was set up. The stage was huge, and I thought "Oh well, here we go then" and we got to the first song , and what I'd forgotten was that they hadn't actually played together for two years. So they said, OK, let's try one of the new songs, I think it was Radio Ga Ga, and we started playing it, and course, I knew it, I'd been studying it for weeks. You know, 1,2,3,4 and we start and we get about a minute into the song and the whole thing collapses. And they all look at each other, you know, very sheepishly, and they say, "Anyone know how it goes?" and I say "well, actually, I know. I know how it goes" and they said "Ah". And so I started showing them the chords and everything and Fred looked at me and said "You don't know the words, do you?" and "Well, yeah I do actually" so then they all came round the piano and we spent the whole day just going through songs, and I thought, "I'm gonna be all right here, this'll be OK"!"

The show started very late, as the band were still doing soundcheck when they were supposed to go on. Apparently over the previous week there were few occasions when all four band members actually showed up for rehearsal. Many songs (likely those listed above) never made the setlist, and soundcheck was an extensive cramming session, particularly for the older material that they hadn't played in years.

Roger Taylor later reflected that this European tour was one of his favourites, and many fans cite the early Works setlist as their favourite ever played by the band. Three medleys are now played, two of which have revived many old songs: Killer Queen, Seven Seas Of Rhye, Keep Yourself Alive, Liar, Stone Cold Crazy and Great King Rat. Staying Power from Hot Space returns to the set, as does Sheer Heart Attack from News Of The World. Only half of Staying Power is played, and it runs into Dragon Attack, followed by an improvisation running into a more compact version of Now I'm Here compared to previous tours.

Many people who attended shows on this tour recall Queen having a very heavy sound, especially on songs like Liar and Stone Cold Crazy. By 1984 they had gained a reputation as being one of the best live rock acts in the business.

Six songs from The Works are performed each night, and the introduction tape is from the album track "Machines". After the heavy G chords are heard on the tape twice, the band walk on stage in the darkness to play the chords the third time, which leads into the brand new "Tear It Up". This is yet another effective opening to a Queen show, something they would perfect time and time again.

I Want To Break Free is performed each night in 1984-85 as the first encore, with Freddie coming on stage sporting a pair of huge plastic breasts under a pink shirt. Part way through the song, he would remove the breasts and twirl them around for a while before finally throwing them into the audience. Some souvenir! As a result of this gag, Another One Bites The Dust has been moved from the encore to be earlier in the set.

This tour showcases an incredible lighting rig and an overall setup mimics the movie Metropolis, from which scenes were used for the promo video of Radio Ga Ga last year. The huge wheels behind the stage (modelled after the ones on The Works album cover) rotate at mostly random times - usually because they are turned manually by various crew members such as Roger's tech Chris "Crystal" Taylor whenever they have a free moment (Freddie Mercury's assistant Peter Freestone told the tale in 2021):

“Yeah, I mean Rio was… amazing. The feeling from that crowd… you know, something like 350,000 people. Oh, you can’t beat that. And when you’re flying in a helicopter over that crowd, it was stunning. But the thing is, I know this sounds really, really stupid but [laughs]… one thing I will always, always remember from that tour was, remember, in the back of the stage you had these wheels that turned every now and then, not constantly but just every now and then. That was because there was… the guy looking after Roger’s drums and me who actually turned those wheels. And there was no set cue or anything that, “Oh, it has to start on this bar, on this song.” No, it was when he wasn’t doing anything and I wasn’t doing anything, we’d say “Ok, let’s go and do it.” And we turned the wheels for a couple of minutes and then left them alone. He had then to do something for Roger and I would just sit there like I always did. And then you’d go back and you’d turn the wheels, like a hamster. We were like hamsters…”

However, a crew member who worked on the tour recalls otherwise: "I do know local crew members were used on the UK shows and certainly (a number of) European gigs. The other thing is that Radio Ga Ga had a set piece with the cogs and lighting, using low ambient lighting and strobes to emphasise mechanical motion of the cogs during the instrumental break. Would Roger Taylor be happy with no one covering him/his kit during a show? Possibly Peter Freestone is remembering production rehearsals when any spare bodies might have been asked to operate the cogs?"

During vocal improvisations on this tour, Freddie would often include bits of "Foolin' Around" and "Living On My Own" from his pending first solo album, which he had been working on during this period.

Freddie now plays a Telecaster for Crazy Little Thing Called Love. It would remain like this through the Magic tour.

The band no longer bring a gong with them on the road. Roger now does a cymbal roll at the end of Bohemian Rhapsody.

A fan recalls hearing the band running through Tear It Up whilst queuing up to enter the venue.

Freddie's voice is in superb shape for this show, but it will quickly weaken as the tour progresses. As incredible as Freddie Mercury was, he certainly did not take care of his voice at times, especially in the mid-80s. After a couple years of heavy smoking, Freddie's voice now sounds a lot deeper and raspier overall.

Before It's A Hard Life, Freddie says, "I think tonight we're gonna do songs from just about every album that we've ever made. You heard some very early stuff from the first album. Right now I think we're gonna do something very new, and we'll see what you think of it."

Freddie does a vocal exchange with the audience before Staying Power, singing "Get Down Make Love" and "Gimme Some Lovin" a few times. The band would improvise bits of the latter a couple times in 1986.

This is the only show on the entire Works tour where Roger plays regular acoustic drums on Another One Bites The Dust (before which Freddie teases the audience with a bit of Mustapha). For the rest of the tour, he'd play electronic drums. He'd also integrate the electronic drum kit into a few other songs, like at the beginning of Hammer To Fall, where one might argue that his sounds don't appropriately complement the guitar to create the intense, heavy sound.

The band sound very tight on this opening night of the tour, with the only exception being the rough transition from Stone Cold Crazy to Great King Rat. The keyboard and guitar solos are integrated together for the first few shows of the tour, during which Brian plays a few bits from Machines. Spike Edney uses his vocoder (a Roland VP-330) for the "machines" and "back to humans" lines heard throughout the tour during this spot (he would use his vocoder for the "radio" lines in Radio Ga Ga as well). After this segment, Brian then gets a few minutes to play on his own as usual.

Parts of the promo video for Hammer To Fall were filmed during this show. Claims from some (even official) sources state that Freddie invited the audience back for (what would actually be "additional") filming the following day aren't true. Here is all that Freddie had to say before the song: "This next song we're gonna use in our next video. So everybody just go mad and maybe later you'll see one of you guys inside the video one day. Oh, just go crazy, take your clothes off. It's called Hammer To Fall." After the song, he simply says, "Good night, you guys!" as that was the last song of the set.

Here is a fan's recollection: "On the night of the gig, there was a camera mounted on an arm that would swing over the front rows of the audience during a few songs. These audience shots were taken during Tie Your Mother Down, Radio Ga Ga, and Hammer To Fall itself. I guess they also had a camera up in the box at the back of the hall [as there are a few shots of both the audience and the band]. I don't remember any cameras onstage during the gig - just the one mounted on the arm."

The Dutch fan club invited only about twenty of its members to attend the video shoot the next day. They were instructed by a roadie to sit quietly on a chair and not to move or approach the band members. After a few hours, Brian came over and had a chat with them, checking to see if they were enjoying themselves and if they were hungry. He then promptly ordered them some take-out!

A minute of Tie Your Mother Down from this show was later broadcast on the Belgian TV station "RTBF" (x) (x). An audience-shot video allegedly exists as well, containing five songs.

After years of speculation, the existence of more footage from this show was proven when bits of it were included in the promo video for Let Me In Your Heart Again in 2014. About 30 seconds of Somebody To Love (largely crowd shots) were seen. There is, however, no accompanying audio. (x)

The first photo is from the autumn 1984 Queen fan club magazine. Brian is seen with a watchful eye over the proceedings. Tour manager Gerry Stickells and his wife are also in the shot.

Pics 2 through 6 were submitted by Alessio Rizzitelli, and the seventh pic was taken by Dave Matkin.

(x)

[themosleyreview]

The Mosley Review: The Suicide Squad

There's only 1 of 2 ways this film could've gone. It could've gone the easy route and maybe killed off 2 or 3 characters, tell a decent action story that's blinded by the butter glazed popcorn shaped glasses OR go balls to the wall with the amount of gruesome violence the DC villains are known for, have a balanced story that’s full of comedy, heart and will leave you with a satisfying film that defies the norm. What I love about all the DC films is that they don't pull their punches in delivering grittier and more violent stories that fit the DC Comics brand and gives them a unique signature. The past Suicide Squad film had the framework, but really didn't hit the mark since it was a poor plot that was shackled inside a PG-13 cage. This film was not and we finally get to see villains do what they do best and I loved that each one had a chance to shine before their painful and surpising demise. The action in the film was executed in gloriously violent set pieces. You are not supposed to be rooting for these people, but you do because they are you heroic villains for the time being. I can't tell you how much fun I had watching these characters in a story that reminded me of the original 1978 version of The Inglorious Bastards. The slogan is true though, don't get too attached because a lot of these characters die.

There are a bunch of characters and they’re all great, but I'm only gonna focus on the main cast. Viola Davis returns as Amanda Waller and she is even colder and more sadistic than ever. Viola scratched the surface of the character before, but this time we really get to see Waller become unhinged and I loved it! Joel Kinnaman returns as Rick Flag and I loved him more this time because of his natural leadership presence. Flag gets alot more to do here and he shows that he is more of a hero than villain. Idris Elba delivers an excellent performance as Robert DuBois / Bloodsport and even though his story is pretty much the same as Deadshot's from the past film, there was enough of a difference. His motivation was pure and I loved that he cared about his team. Margot Robbie returns as Harley Quinn and she delivers yet again. I liked that she was more violent and you see her moral code in a dark and yet poignant scene. She kicks ass in the film and it was fun to see her do it. David Dastmalchian is a fantastic actor and he was no different as Abner Krill / Polka-Dot Man. I really loved his arc from being the quiet one to a full on hero by the end of the film. He has some psychological issues that are twisted in origin, but are used to hilarious extents. John Cena steals almost all the scenes as Christopher Smith / Peacemaker. Although he was one of the most violent characters in the film, he has some great chemistry and comedic moments with Bloodsport. This character was tailor made for Cena and he was so much fun to watch. Sylvestor Stallone was great and fun as Nanaue / King Shark. He may be a bloodthirsty shark that rips people apart and eats them whole, but he has a sweet and lovable side to him. I liked Peter Capaldi as the Thinker and his version was a bit more under powered this time and I found it refreshing. He was probably the most grounded amongst all of them.  Now the real heart of the film was brought to life by Daniela Melchior as Cleo Cazo / Ratcatcher 2. She keeps the group humble at times and I loved her brighter side at looking at the world. She was not afraid to show how much she cares for the team and her chemistry between Bloodsport and King Shark was perfect. I really loved her rat companion Sebastian and he gets to shine in many cute and funny scenes.

The bombastic and badass score by John Murphy was outstanding and introduced a fun theme for Task Force X. The soundtrack of the film was excellent as well and plays over some truly beautiful and gloriously gory scenes. The main big bad of the film is a DC Comics fan favorite and it was perfectly brought to real life. Writer and Director has made a magnificent successor to the first film that is completely unhinged and free of all constraints. I truly loved this action comic book epic and this is definitely top tier DCEU and one of the best action films of the year. There is one mid credits scene that you'll either love or hate for its weirdness and I loved it. This is a must see on the big screen but if you can't make it out, it's also currently streaming on HBO Max. Let me know what you thought of the film or my review in the comments below. Thanks for reading!

[fakeloveaskblog]

(Hi, me again. I’m sorry that the blog isn’t getting much attention because it definitely deserves it, you come up with really nice stories and I love reading your updates. I hope the regular people come back soon but in the meantime I have another ask for Janus. (I was holding back because i was worried that other people weren’t getting a chance to send asks but I will happily send more as I love seeing characters respond to my asks, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.) hope life is treating you well and have a great day!)

Hi Janus, First of all you are not a hateable person in any way shape or form even though some people do hate you their opinions are not universal so you shouldn’t worry about Logan’s parents hating you just because your parents do.

Secondly try not to freak out too much, if you try your best to be your amazing, loveable self than I’m sure they will absolutely love you. Don’t worry about playing to expectations they want to meet you not some idealised “perfect” version of you which would honestly probably be fairly boring because your imperfections are what make you, you and you are incredible so don’t try to hide or change that for the sake of pleasing other people.

Also if the worst happens and they don’t like you, which is perfectly fine and wouldn’t be you fault some people just don’t click, then as long as you are civil with each other it shouldn’t be a problem, it will be disappointing because it’s important to you to have Logan’s parents like you but at the end of the day Logan’s opinion of you is the only one that matters because he is the person that you are dating.

This is all under the assumption that they won’t like you which as I said before I don’t think I’d likely. Now hopefully that should help somewhat with your nerves, if you are still worried, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to feel, maybe ask Logan and Patty to reassure you as they know Logan’s parents well and can give you more information, I personally find I always feel better when I have all the facts but that might just be my autistic brain talking so it might not help you much. Just remember that no matter what happens Logan will still care about you.

(I also have some words for Remus)

Hi Remus congratulations on sleeping with Janus, that sounds like a big deal for you so I’m glad it went well. This is the lawnmower ghost by the way here with more fun fact to brighten up your day first of all did you know that cellphones have ten times the bacteria on them that the average public toilet! Also roughly 250,000 deaths are caused by medical error each year and last but not least did you know when a group of rats living in close quarters get their tails tangled together (this can happen for many reasons), they’re called a rat king! That all for now but I will return with more at some undisclosed point in the future. Bye!

 (aw thanks <3 glad to hear the asks are making u happy also don't worry if multiple people send asks about the same thing i most of the time make sure to use all the asks C:)

Remus was laying on the couch with his mouth half full of chinese takeout (including the box it came in). Rowan was laying on the other side. they were casually kicking at each other while watching tv.

He burst out into cackles when he read the first sentence of our message “Ro! Ro! They said I slept with Jannie!” 

“I am an adult. Such childish jokes does not humor me!! I am a mature being!!” She replied while holding back chuckles.

“But uh yeah” He fiddled with his hoodie sleeves “I- I never got a lot of sleep- or well not a lot of safe sleep when I was with uh Os....spending the night with Jan.....meant a lot”

He and Rowan listened as you listed the facts. Remus got a mischievous grin on his lips.

“Ro-boat give me your phone!!”

“You are not licking my phone to get it’s bacteria!!!”

Remus launched on top of her to try and get her phone but she pulled her arm away so he couldn’t reach while bonking him on the head with her other arm. He pouted.

“You’re boring. I’m drawing 1000 rat kings and you can’t stop me”

“Why would I stop you??? Unless you’ve created a magic that let’s you create life out of drawings”

The twins locked at each other and silently nodded. They both jumped up from the couch to go and look for spells that could turn drawings into life.

--

“Hello” Janus mumbled back.

They were sitting curled up against Logan’s side. Their boyfriend had noticed their unease and changed to the backseat of the car to comfort them.

Logan nodded along as you spoke “Well it certainly sounds like your friend here speaks nothing but facts. You are indeed not at all hateable” 

He leant down to press a kiss to Janus’ forehead which made them muster a half smile. “So you are basically telling me to act natural? I suppose if me and Lo’s parents will meet more times it would be good if they met the actual me. But- well it’s totally not at all like if i start acting natural I will get nervous and as you know I become so incredibly honest when I’m nervous! Just the world’s biggest truth bomb! People love it when they’re obviously lied to right to their face!”

“I liked it”

“Really now?”

“I found it intriguing, even cute if I may say so”

“Oh great I will charm your parents with my cuteness”

“That’s how I did it” Patty butted in from the front seat “Oh look there’s our old school!”

By now they had driven far enough to get into the outskirts of the couple’s childhood town. She pointed out at an old middle school. The kind where the swings were left broken for months and the books where old enough that their parents had once used them. It was the only one in town.

They drove past a supermarket where groups of teens where hanging around. A knock off burger king followed. The closest mall was 45 minutes away. The cinema even further away. There were however 2 churches somehow. Hopefully in one of them, in the prayer bench right in the corner, the small pencil drawing of Logan and Patty holding hands was still carved into the wood.

Janus deflated like a small weasel “Great. We’re almost there”

Your message continued. Logan was still nodding along.

“I must admit my parents liking you isn’t even that important to me. Though it would be a bonus if they did, which I am sure they will”

“Your invisible friend is right, we should have probably told you a bit more about them beforehand. They’re just really nice okay” Patty assured “They used to be punks when they were our age and they lived in New York y’know during the 80′s so I don’t think you’ll exactly baffle them”

Janus squeezed his boyfriend’s hand and sent him puppy snake eyes. He put on such an extra look he looked like a wet puddle “Do wyou pwomise you’ll still cware about me?” He had to hide the genuine question in sarcasm.

“No doubt about it. Always. No questions asked” He replied in his most serious tone.

Janus took a deep breathe and did rapid hand stims to try and psych himself up. He sat up a little straighter from his deflated position.

“I will totally do this. I will totally completely definitely be able to do this and it will go greA-”

Janus was flung into the seat in front of him as the car stopped abruptly. He stopped himself with his hands and looked around with his breathe hitched in his throat to see what had happened. Patty’s hands still lingered on the steering wheel but her eyes were focused on a house across the street.

The house had been decorated to the ninth with colorful Christmas lights blinking from every tree in the garden. The lights were on in the windows and music could be faintly heard.

“They’re having a party” Patty said without looking away.

Logan reached out and took her hand. He pressed a kiss to her skin before gently moving his thumb up and down to comfort her.

They stayed in silence as Patty continued to look into the house. She saw two older people as well as 3 kids. The oldest was at most 10, the only one of her siblings she’d actually met.

“They wouldn’t recognize me anyway” She mumbled as she turned back to the road and continued to drive.

Logan kept holding her hand for the rest of the short car ride. His parents lived only a few blocks away after all. It was a smaller house. It stuck out like a very healthy thumb with it’s rich garden. His dad took meticulous care of every tree, plant and vegetable. (One of Logan’s first experiments had been trying to see what kind of music would make the plants grow the fastest. His dad had been very proud)

Janus looked a little green as they got out of the car. They leant against their boyfriend’s arm to not run away and hide in a deep dark bog. Patty was the one that knocked.

The door opened. Logan’s parents had similar neutral expressions on their faces as their son usually had. Their son nodded at both of them while greeting and they nodded back. Before he launched into their arms and they both embraced him. They hugged him so hard they nearly lifted him off the ground, which was impressive since he was taller than both of them.

Once they’d finally let him out of the hug they both went to hug Patty. The mother cupped her cheeks and beamed as she said “Hello deary. You’re looking as gorgeous as ever”

“Aw you’re not looking half bad either. I like your new glasses”

They both let out OhohOHohO sounds as they moved their glasses up and down at each other as if to wave.

Janus stayed awkwardly right at the start of the hallway. They didn’t know if they were supposed to take their jacket off or not. Until both of the parents turned to them.

The dad held out his hand “And you must be Janus?”

“Last time I checked yes. The real one too. Not a clone” Janus blurted back while taking his hand.

He let up into a hearthy laugh, nothing like Logan’s. “Well I’m Kenneth and this is Christy”

“Nice to uhm meet you”

Kenneth looked like a rocker from the 80′s had randomly aged 30 years. He had long greying hair and a band t-shirt under his knitted cardigan. Christy had thick glasses with flowers on them matching her flowery jumpsuit and the kind of curly hairstyle a grandma would be jealous of. She also had both her arms absolutely filled with tattoos.

The hallway was small and cluttered with framed movie posters and abstract art filling the walls. The house smelled of salmon and roses.

“So” Christy clasped her hands together “Have you committed any arson together yet? Thrown any bricks through windows?”

“Not yet” Logan replied.

She jokingly pulled in his ear “Unwise son unwise I say. Couples who run from pigs together stay together”

Janus was nervously pulling in the beads in his hair while unsure of what to say. christy waved it off.

“It was just a joke dear. Don’t worry. Oh look at the time. It’s almost Donald Duck time, we should go to the living room”

They passed the dining room that was half connected to the kitchen and a very messy room they liked to call the “interest room”. Let’s just say Logan had gotten his neurodiversity from his mother’s side of the family and she changed interests about 2 times a year. Right now she was really into sculpting poisonous plants, so the half finished statues were filling the room.

Kenneth turned the tv on while the rest sat down on the couch. The cartoon which played every year on Christmas at the exact same time started the exact same way it did every year. Janus stuffed a ridiculous amount of raisins into his drink because the only thing keeping him calm was cramming food into his mouth.

He looked over to Patty and Logan who sat cuddled up under a big blanket. They had the side of their heads leant against each other and every now and then they both somehow turned their heads at the exact same time to kiss, like they could feel deep down in their bones when the other felt smoochy.

Janus pulled their beanie further down on their head as they forced back a feeling akin to jealousy. They really wanted some boyfriend cuddles right now but they were far too scared of his parent’s thinking lower of them, or worse thinking they were disgusting for it. They knew Patty and Logan were far from a straight couple but they were still a guy and a girl.

So Janus sat there for the entire hour and awkwardly sipped on their drink. Every conversation or funny comment that was said sounded like static to them.

Eventually they were pulled up from the couch and dragged out into the dining room. The table had 5 chairs around them. Kenneth had made the napkins look like flowers. There was a wine bottle on the table which everyone shared. Janus was still a bit zoned out as Christy welcomed everyone to dinner and told them the first part of the meal was out in the kitchen. It wasn’t until they had started to eat some of the eggs, salmon and herring on their plate they were able to zone back in into the conversation.

The walls were covered with shelfs. They were all filled to the brim with stuff. If it wasn’t stacks of DvDs it was CDs or books. There was a shelf dedicated to the crafts Logan had made as a kid for his science experiments, several photoalbums and a collection of star trek DvDs that were labeled as extra important since the show was their son’s special interest. There were even some of Patty’s art’s and crafts on the same shelf like they were just as proud of her creations even if it was mostly amateur collages and bead bracelets.

Patty was telling them about some recipes she’d been making. About how Logan had researched a bunch of science about yeast so he could help her make bread. There was a comfortable lul in the way they all talked that made Janus feel like he had forced himself into a situation he wasn’t supposed to be in.

Until both Christy and Kenneth turned to him. They were both sitting on the opposite side of the table. 

“So, just out of curiosity here, how did you and Logan meet exactly?” Kenneth asked. 

Obviously they both already knew. Logan had called them nearly everyday while he had just started to crush on Janus since he could tell it was a really serious crush and also he wanted to gush.

Janus looked for words but found none that fit “It was at work” They finally got out “We had a lot of shifts together”

“He would start to stammer every time I asked if he wanted me to make coffee for him as well” Logan added. He reached out to place his hand on top of his partner’s but Janus moved his hand away.

“Aw I remember when me and Kenneth actually got to talking 2 hours after meeting, it was at a bar concert so there wasn’t much time to speak, he was tripping over his words like a wet rag”

“I was quite literally a wet rag actually. It was very sweaty in those bars. And Christy looked so....If i may use some newer terminology” He looked over to Logan who nodded at him “‘very pog and fab’“

“I had shoplifted hairspray from walmart and was using the plastic bag as a shirt” “She was using a plastic bag as a shirt!” They said at the same time.

Janus was keeping their eyes on their plate “I like your movie collection. It’s uhm interesting. Please go on about for a long time....” They added quietly “so i don’t have to talk”

The couple tried to come up with some movies in their collection to recommend to them. Logan had been clear about them liking reptiles, philosophy and scooby doo after all. But Janus mostly mumbled out some vague civil response.

For the rest of the main dinner Janus continued to stay out of the conversation. All while eating the sausages, ham and meatballs. All while the Christmas porridge began to cook on the stove. There was an anxious feeling gripping around their throat, they were sure if they started to speak they would say something wrong and ruin everything.

The rest of the people there chatted on without them anywhere. They compared their wordle streaks and discussed which dog Patty and Logan should adopt with the same importance as discussing adopting an actual child.

Christy clasped her hands together “Does anyone feel for coffee?” She looked at Patty “Or hot chocolate?”

“With marshmallows?”

“With marshmallows!”

They moved over to the living room. Logan set a cup of hot chocolate in front of Janus and held back the urge to kiss them on the forehead. Christy, Kenneth and their son all drank solid black coffee with exactly half a cube of sugar in it.

It had started to darken outside. Kenneth went to get a lighter for the candles and when he returned he was also carrying a photo album. He sent a look to his wife which made them both snicker. He sat down next to her and moved his hands around her upper arm while she held up the photo album.

“Logan?” Christy asked with a smile.

“Are you planning on showing pictures from my childhood?”

“Yes!”

“Well they are just previous states of my self. Nothing unusual about it. Sure”

She moved the album to the middle of the table so everyone could see clearly and opened it up to a page. The first photo Janus saw was of Logan, maybe 7 years old, focusing very hard on making a volcano in a sandbox while Kenneth helped by handing him play shovels. 

Honestly if it wasn’t for the familiar look of concentration and the dark blue eyes Janus probably wouldn’t have recognised him. Aside from him being a kid and super short, he was also very thin. Gaunt even. His black hair reached down far past his shoulders. His glasses were ridiculously big for a kid. He had bangs????

“I didn’t know you used to have long hair?” Janus mumbled to him.

“I was attempting to look like my dad since I thought he looked very cool”

“You thought? You no longer think so?” Kenneth pretended to wipe a tear away “Guess my cool days are over”

“Indeed. Very sad. A true tragedy” Logan replied sarcastically.

The next photo showed a just as tiny Logan dressed up in a Data cosplay. His parents were wearing matching generic star trek costumes to not steal his spotlight. They seemed to be at some con. The tiny Lo had his usual monotone expression but his arms were blurry from flapping.

The family happily explained to Janus the memories surrounding the different photos as they continued to show them. He still didn’t respond with more than general nice words.

Christy was about to turn the page but suddenly hesitated. She glanced at Janus before looking to Patty “Dear, you start coming in in these next pictures”

Patty waved it off “It’s fine, thanks. It’s just Jannie”

“Alrighty then”

A series of photos showed Patty and Logan in the living room. Blowing out candles, opening gifts, etc. There was a banner saying Happy birthday to Lo for turning 12. It was kind of amusing to see Patty be the taller one of them. She’d apparently always been on the fuller side so it literally looked like she could pick him up and throw him out the window if she wanted to.

Even though her smile looked genuine it didn’t look happy. Maybe happy wasn’t the right word. She looked out of place. Uncomfortable. Like she was constantly waiting for something to happen. 

“Oh. Right. It was the first birthday party where it wasn’t just my parents and me. It was an incredibly happy day” Logan said in his dry tone.

“That’s nice” Was all Janus got out as a response.

Patty looked at the clock “Gosh I think I have to go. I was meeting up with some of my friends, y’know the lovers from my cosplay club, at a restaurant not far away remember? I’ll be back tomorrow so don’t start eating breakfast without me!!”

Christy and Kenneth both leaned in to give her quick hugs “Of course not. we would never miss out on your life changing pancakes”

They all said merry Christmas to each other and Logan gave her a kiss before she stood up to leave. Janus’ eyes had widened in a panic. He pressed his lips so tightly shut his skin nearly turned white. He shoot up and excused himself to go after Patty.

“Jannie! Great!” Patty exclaimed as she saw them. She was standing in the hallway fixing with her dress “Can you help me with my tits? I do not let my Logie stick a syringe into my thigh every other day to then not show off the fruits of my labor”

“I thought you injected the E” They replied while helping her.

“Needles are scary!!”

“Then take it in pill form???”

“No!! Then I wouldn’t have Logie cuddle and comfort me for being so brave about the needle every other day!!”

“Understandable then. You didn’t tell me you were going away!! You can’t just leave me with Logan and his parents!? I will die! They will kill me! They will roast me like a pig over the fire!”

Patty finished finicking with her dress and took out her phone “I did tell you” She showed some of their text messages.

“.......Okay....You might have told me. But I forgot!! Patty! Dear Patty cake! You can not do this me! Mercy please think mercy fully!”

“Honey please” She cupped their cheeks and made them met her eyes “Take a deep breathe. It will go fine. They already love you, trust me, I can tell. They loved you the moment they saw that you made Logan happy in ways only a few people ever can”

Janus placed their hands on top of hers and sighed “But what if I say something wrong? What if I get too close to Logan? What if they think I’m disgusting?”

“They won’t! I promise they won’t. I really get your fear. I made Logan keep quiet about us for a few years. I was scared because we both thought we were two gay guys together, and Logan had never thought about liking guys before meeting me. But his parents never thought any ill of me even if they could have easily taken it as me converting him. He’s told me that the morning after we had told them we were a couple the first thing they asked him was if he needed any date or gift ideas. And the second thing they asked was if they had to have a talk about how to have safe sex”

“My parents would never take it that well”

“Neither would mine”

Patty looked unusually serious as she continued. 

“I had to run away when I was 16 because of the fear of being forced into conversation therapy. You know that. They took me in here without question. When I told Logan I was trans I was sobbing out of mind ‘cause I was sure that meant I would end up homeless and drug addicted and selling my body and all alone until I died, because that’s what my parents told me happened to all trannies” She let up into a chuckle “After comforting me Logan’s first thought was to ask if that meant he was straight. And his second thought was to promise he would make sure I would never end up alone. It was Christy who took me shopping so I could get a whole new wardrobe that actually felt like me. It was them who fought for literal years so I could get hormones. It was them who assured me my parents hadn’t always spoken the truth. If they can take me transitioning and Logan going from identifying as gay to straight to bi and poly in a few years I assure you they can take you kissing Logie”

Janus leant into her arms and she hugged them in return. She rubbed her hand up and down his back.

“It’s okay. I get that the fear doesn’t go away. Sometimes I still see hell in my dreams. But you’re allowed to feel safe, you should be able to”

They took a deep breathe and nodded. They reminded themself of the things you had said earlier. 

“I hope you have fun with your kinda girlfriends. Merry Christmas”

“Merry Christmas Jannie”

She moved out of the hug and kissed them before leaving. Janus stayed in the hallway for another minute, slowly breathing in and out. They went back into the living room and sat down next to their boyfriend.

They were still looking at photos. Logan was gushing about the photos he and Patty had from prom. He was in a suit with star trek earrings in. She had on a dress and her hair was reaching to her neck. For the first time in all of the photos her smile looked as real as it did nowadays.

(They hadn’t actually gone to prom. Patty had been vehemently hated by all of the boys in their class ever since she was like 7 and Logan hadn’t felt like making his fists bloody on prom night. So they had just dressed up and gone to the nearest Applebee's before stargazing all night)

Janus hand shook a little as they reached out and placed it on top of Logan’s. Their boyfriend sent them a warm look as he intertwined their fingers. Their voice was even more shaky as they spoke up.

“So if I remember correctly and if I am still in the same timeline you uhm asked me how me and Logan meet, correct?”

The parents nodded “Don’t tell me you lied about meeting at work. Did you meet in the hospital? At a weirdly themed party? Prison?”

“Oh no. Nothing of that cool sort. It was actually very boring. I just- I said it so vaguely. To be honest it took a week after meeting him until I felt anything for him” Janus confessed.

“Let me guess. Did he tell you facts about black holes? Does usually work perfectly for flirting right Logan?”

“Infodumping about black holes have been proven to only work with women actually. To the men I usually tell them about the names on all the bones in their body. For nonbinary people it usually helps to mention some form of slug and or baked good I’ve made”

Janus squeezed his hand “Well Logan came up to me while I had gotten stuck reading the backsides of the books about reptiles while working. He asked if there was anything wrong with the books. In a panic told him I liked snakes....The next day during our lunchbreak....He was wearing a star patterned tie and he was beautiful.......And he was reading a book about snakes....He told me....He told me he didn’t know that much about snakes but now he wished to know more so we could discuss it together....He told me he liked talking to me....He told me he hoped learning about my interest would mean we would speak more often....It was the kindest thing anyone had done to me....I fell in love instantly”

Christy and Kenneth both let out similar replies. Something about “Aww” And “That sounds like our Logan”

“It’s always a good reminder when we hear that we were able to raise him right. Or not raise him exactly. That we let the good parts of him that where always there blossom” Kenneth said.

Logan smiled at his partner “It’s funny. I fell in love the day after. There were these group of young teens that sometimes comes to the library during school hours. I think during their lunch. I usually didn’t pay them any mind unless they were playing loud music. But Janus grabbed me by my arm while they were there and asked me if I could also tell. Tell that those kids were skipping lunch because they were afraid of being bullied. Tell that they were hungry. He got this wonderful wide almost sinister smile as he asked me to help him steal all of the cookies from the breakroom so these kids could get some food. It’s not unusual for me to get minor or even major crushes but from the first instance of my heart beginning to beat faster after he said that I knew it was far more than that”

Janus leant their head against his shoulder “I still give them a few dollars so they can get lunch every time I see them”

“I know you do. I love you for it. And for the other tiny things that eventually turn into big things that eventually turn into never wanting to lose you”

Logan hesitated but Janus nodded as they met eyes. He leant in and gave them a quick kiss right on their lips. It tasted like herring but it was worth it.

A ringing came from the kitchen. All three of the family members got up at the exact same time and said almost in unison “The porridge!”

They came back with 4 bowls of Christmas porridge and sat them around the table. Christy looked at Kenneth and poked at his cheek

“This year I will get the porridge almond! You have had your fair share of almond wishes already. Time for me to wish for a grandchild!”

“Please tell me you’re planning on only wishing for a grandchild between Lo and Patty” Janus replied.

She smiled “...Sure”

They ate while discussing black holes and the latest space pictures. Janus got to the bottom of the bowl and saw an almond sticking up. They took it and held it up. Everyone did a civil little clap and gave them time to think up a wish.

They closed their eyes and thought. Their mind immediately went to Remy. Remy who was probably all alone with their abuser all day and night. Remy who was in constant pain. Remy who Janus didn’t know how to help.

Janus silently wished that Remy if nothing else at least could have a happy Christmas. Hopefully the universe would listen even if Christmas day was technically almost over.

“I’ve made my wish”

“Getting the almond during your first year here must be a good sign. Right honey?” Kenneth asked.

Christy nodded back “Indeed dear. A great sign in fact. Very scientific”

They stayed by the couches for a few more hours. Janus let Logan move his arm around them and pull them close to his side. He liked to roll the beads in their hair between his fingers.

They played card games and talked about why Janus had decided to become a librarian and what kind of literature they liked. Which of course made them infodump about 18th and 19th century philosophers. Kenneth knew a surprising amount of them since well he used to be a punk, he had read some theory. 

That just made Janus even more excited and they got the urge to flap while speaking. They held it back but Logan noticed the way his partner was vibrating and flapped his own hands to encourage them. It made Christy play with the loose parts of her hair, which was her main happy stim.

The clock had nearly turned 12 and Logan had absolutely destroyed them all in every single card game they had played.

“Kids maybe it’s time to turn in for the night. Us ancient oldies can’t stay up this long normally” Kenneth said.

“We had assumed you were going to share Logan’s room but we have a very comfy blow up mattress if you want that” Christy added.

“No uh I can stay with Logie. That’s fine”

“We can leave the dishes for tomorrow. If the porridge grows legs while we’re asleep well that’s just a scientific achievement”

Logan hugged both of his parents “Merry Christmas mom” “Merry Christmas dad” 

Janus wasn’t expecting any hugs but both Christy and Kenneth held out their arms for him. He leant into their embrace. Logan joined in so it became a group hug.

It felt comforting, and warm, and....safe. Janus wasn’t used to feeling like a part of a family, but he certainly didn’t dislike it.

After a little bit they all moved out of the hug and said their goodnights. Christy and Kenneth went to the bedroom on the first floor while Logan lead janus up to his bedroom on the second floor. Aside from his room all there was up there was a cleaning closet and the laundry room.

The room wasn’t that big, especially not since stacks of books were covering large parts of the floor. The rest was taken up by a desk, a star themed bed, several bookcases and an entire corner dedicated to all of his Star trek merch.

“I ran out of space for books in me and Patty’s apartment so I began shipping my unused books to here” Logan explained.

“Is that Spock’s face on your pillow?” Janus asked while eyeing the pillow filled with kiss marks.

“Don’t you judge me mx. Monsterfucker”

They couldn’t help but notice the cute photos of kittens hung up on the wall, the myriad of non Spock pillows on the bed and the fluffy blue carpet on the floor.

“You and Patty shared a room for a while didn’t you?”

“She was the one who convinced me to put up all those glow stars on the ceiling” Logan turned off the light and the entire ceiling lit up in soft greens and blues from the constellations up above.

“Cozy”

Logan loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt to get ready for sleep. He leant down and kissed Janus, making them freeze with getting their shirt off, before letting out a flustered chuckle.

“I told you they’d like you” Logan murmured.

Janus moved their arms around his shoulders “I know darling. You were right, you usually are”

“Mhm! They’ve never disliked any of the partner’s I’ve brought home. It was very unlikely you would break the pattern”

“They’re nice people. I’m..I’m glad you had them as parents. If uh that makes sense”

“I understand”

Logan unbuckled their belt while kissing them. They were left in their undershirt and underwear. which was what they usually slept in. Lo just slept in boxers because he was like his own personal heating already. They cuddled down under the covers with Janus pressing close to their boyfriend’s chest and with his arms around them.

They let out a content sigh and moved their finger along his skin “It’s warm”

“Mhm” Logan replied with closed eyes.

“And the food was really good”

“Mhm”

“And this bed is really comfy”

“Mhm”

“And I can’t sleep”

Logan opened his eyes and glanced down at them “well if my dearest snake can’t sleep then neither can I. Want to see a magic trick?”

Janus let up into a smile “Sure”

Lo turned to lay on his back and moved his hand to fumble around on the nightstand. He opened the small cabinet and took out a bottle of lube “Ta-da. Magic” He said in his monotone voice.

His partner let up into a wave of laughter while playfully pushing his face away “You stupid bastard”

“What else are you supposed to do on Christmas night. Is it not a holiday of magical experiences”

That just made them laugh more.

“Only if you want to”

“What if someone hears?” Janus half teased.

“Honey I’ll make sure no one does”

“And how would you do that?”

“Oh you know, I always have my ways”

Janus sat up on their knees and put their hands on either side of his head “My little darling” They murmured before kissing him. Logan parsed his lips and welcomed the kiss as he trailed his hands up under their shirt. 

--

“How are your bathrobes this fluffy?” Janus asked, just a bit mesmerized.

“My mom has good contacts with textile ladies” Logan replied while putting his own. 

He got up from the bed but Janus stayed laying down. He pulled in their wrist to get them up but they pulled back so he landed face down on the sheets.

“C’mon we gotta go shower before going to sleep” Logan murmured.

“I wanna cuddle though” Janus put on a fake pout while hugging him.

“We can cuddle in the shower”

“But your bed is so nice”

“Do you just want to be carried to the shower?”

Janus took off the pout “Yes please”

He picked them up and carried them bridal style down the stairs. They held each other close in the shower and Logan got to shower all the parts of their body that they adored with kisses, which was most of their body.

The warm water had rubbed out the last bits of sleepiness from them. So they sneaked to the kitchen to make some tea. They kept making each other laugh over stupid things and then laugh even harder when they tried to keep quiet.

The laughter died on Logan’s tongue when he opened the cup cabinet. He froze for a moment. He shook it off and took out two cups. 

“You good?” Janus asked.

“Yes. I...The cup I usually use wasn’t in it’s normal place. It just....It reminded how long it’s been since I lived here full time...How the house goes on without me”

Janus moved their arms around his waist and stood on their toes to press a kiss to his cheek “Now you have your own home”

“Mhm. Still is a bittersweet feeling”

“I get it hun”

Logan put on some water before placing his hands on top of Janus’, their hands were comfortable placed right on his tummy. He relaxed his head against theirs and let them move him around in a sort of dance. The moonlight streamed in through the thin blinds.

The water plinged that it was done and they both made some tea. Janus choose lemon flavor and Logan dark berry flavor. They cuddled up shoulder to shoulder on the couch and listened to the first bird songs of the morning.

“Honey” Logan began, his tone even more serious than it usually was “Me and Patty have been talking about...things”

“Things? I know you’re looking to adopt a dog but that dog can not be me Logie! I’ve told you! Ugh! This is totally a very common problem for me!! Definitely totally very much!” 

“No dear” He looked down into his tea “As you know a while back Patty told me she felt satisfied and wasn’t looking for any more surgeries and well obviously that means we can now save money for other things...future plans...and that sort...And you also know we’ve been looking to get pets and eventually in the future a kid so well. We’ve been thinking about saving up for a house”

“How fancy” Janus replied, unsure of how this concerned him.

“Yes. And it has a lot of benefits! We will be able to have guest rooms for lovers! Or future partners! And we will be able to invite more people over for dinners and parties! It will most likely only be a single floor house, not something awfully big. But still it will be...Ours...It will be something we can grow for the rest of our lives”

“Well I’m happy for you then”

“We’ve been wondering if you would want to move in?”

Janus nearly spat out his tea “What?”

“I love you honey, and Patty really enjoys your company. If I was legally allowed to marry a second person I would ask for your hand in marriage no doubt. It will of course be some time before we’re able to buy a house. I just wanted to lay out the idea. It will always be your choice”

“I...” Janus tapped their fingers against the cup “I...Logan...I’m sorry...This is kind of a lot...We haven’t even been dating for an entire year”

“I understand”

“No. I. I really enjoy sleeping over at your apartment. I enjoy eating breakfast and reading the newspaper and taking out the trash and all that domestic stuff...But I enjoy having my own place I know I can go back to at any time..If that makes sense?”

“It does”

Janus took a sip from their tea and thought about waking up every day pressed between Logan and Patty. Thought about stumbling up to drink water at 3 am to be meet with one of them unable to sleep stress baking or working. Thought about being able to go into the other room and kiss their cheek whenever he wanted to. Thought about every day being like a sleepover until it turned into normality. A lovely normality.

He took a sip from his tea and smiled at the thought. He leant his head against Logan’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

“Well I suppose I’ll have to think about it”

[konglindorm]

Growing Up Beastly

As you probably know by now, I’m kind of obsessed with Beauty and the Beast. And I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the nature of the Beast, and especially on his origins and on the idea of the Beast as a victim. (Like this post in my Sexual Abuse in the Folk Tradition series, and this post and this one about why we don’t curse children.)

Today we’re going to talk about a slightly different Beast, from a different variant of this story type. This is, of course, Prince Lindworm.

Like our usual beloved Beast, it’s not the lindworm’s fault that he’s a lindworm, although for slightly different reasons—his mom screwed up, and he was born a lindworm. This enchanted bridegroom has literally never been unenchanted; there’s no natural state for him to return to. He’s always been a beast. (Sort of like Hans My Hedgehog, actually; maybe I’ll come back to that in another post.)

Before the lindworm gets transformed into a man, he eats two princesses. Which is…not great. However. He is a lindworm. Which is a kind of dragon. Which is, you know—I mean presumably they have dietary needs that differ from a human’s?

I have so, so many questions about this story that are not addressed in the original text. But the main one is what on earth did the lindworm think was going on here? So. Several points.

Firstly. There is a distinct possibility that he’s sort of a baby lindworm. (At least in the early Danish version. In the later version incorrectly attributed to Asbjorsen and Moe, we have a clearer timeline.) The queen gives birth while the king is at war. The lindworm slithers away, and reappears as the king is coming home from war.

Is this a war that’s lasted fifteen to twenty years? Did the king come home from the first war, stay home for several years, then go fight in another war that he’s returning from when the lindworm approaches him? Did the queen give birth to a fully grown lindworm that met the king a few months later? Did the queen give birth to a baby lindworm that was an adult by the time the king got home, either because lindworms grow faster than humans or because magic? Did she give birth to a baby lindworm that’s still a baby? How old is this lindworm?

Secondly. How did the lindworm know the king was his dad? Because he clearly did. He just slithered up one day and said “Hey, I’m your son. I wanna get married.”

Who raised this lindworm? Who told him who his real parents were? The text says he burrows under the bedchamber as soon as he’s born, and doesn’t mention him having any further contact with the queen or with anyone else.

Thirdly. Did the lindworm even know he was under a spell? Dude’s been a lindworm for his entire life. He knows his parents are human, but, like, do lindworms have access to comprehensive sex education? For all he knows, all lindworms might have human parents. Is he aware that he’s not supposed to be a lindworm? Even if he is, does that necessarily mean he wants to stop being a lindworm?

Fourthly. What was his ultimate goal here? He demands brides. He eats them. He demands more. Why?

Personally, I know nothing about lindworm culture and tradition. Maybe they’re, like, reverse black widows or praying mantises, and eating their wives is just, like, what they do. Or maybe he was just really hungry—though surely there would be people other than his new wives available to eat.

Why did he want to get married? Did he ever intend for a wife to survive past the wedding night?

Fifthly. The transformation. Did he see this coming? Again, did he even realize it was a possibility? When this chick starts demanding that he molt out of season and then whips him and bathes him in milk, what does he think is happening? Does he realize it’s a transformation spell? Was he expecting it or hoping for it? Does he think it’s just a bizarre human wedding tradition? Did the other two girls try to break the spell too, and do it wrong?

Shedding ten layers of skin in a row is gonna be pretty incapacitating for any sort of reptile. Once he’s done that, there’s no defending himself from things like the whipping. If the other girls tried to break the spell too, but skipped the shedding step and went right to whipping, he might have eaten them in self-defense.

Sixthly. The aftermath. So our lindworm is now a handsome prince. Okay, now what? What does that even mean? He’s literally always been a lindworm, with, as far as we can tell, lindworm behaviors and a lindworm palate. You aren’t turning him back into a prince—you’re turning him into a prince. Even if he always knew he was under a spell and it would someday be broken, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s like, inherently, fundamentally, a lindworm. He grew up as a lindworm, doing lindworm things.

He has no idea how to be a person, much less a prince. Walking, gesturing, chewing food—all exciting new experiences.

I mean, on the bright side, the king and queen didn’t actually miss out on their only child’s babyhood, after all—they still get to have all those fun experiences, just with an adult man who’s on his third wife and ate the first two.

I just, like, I don’t get how this whole thing is going to work. I have questions. I have concerns. I have many, many concerns.

Th circumstances are wildly different, but ultimately I think he’s a victim, too. Brides for lunch and all.

It’s not his fault he’s a lindworm, and while he was a lindworm, he did, presumably, what lindworms do. And now he’s a man, whether he wants to be or not. So he’s lost everything he’s ever known and been, and now he has to learn how to be a different kind of creature, from scratch, twenty years too late. (And depending on that whole king-at-war timeline, he may have just transitioned over night from a baby dragon to an adult man, which….yikes.)

What is the learning curve going to be like here? Let’s assume he’s not going to try to eat any more people, because of the sizing issue if nothing else—lindworms are probably a lot bigger than men. (How does he feel about the bride eating, looking back? Does he feel guilty? Does he shrug it off as a lindworm thing that he did when he was a lindworm? Is it all just kind of awkward?) Is he going to eat—or try to eat—a few cats or rats or lap dogs? How many months or years will it take him to remember he has to step out of bed in the mornings, instead of trying to slither and falling in a heap on the floor? When molting season comes around, is he going to try it and sprain something? (Or will molting forever be associated with terrible, terrible trauma after that bizarro transformation sequence?)

This guy has been totally screwed over since literally the moment of his conception. And for the stupidest reason. He didn’t insult someone, didn’t turn down their advances or refuse to share or help. His mom ate too many flowers. That’s it. That’s the whole reason he’s a monster, the whole reason two innocent girls are dead.

(Also, on the subject of those flowers, he should have been a girl. The queen ate the girl flower first, then the boy flower; she should have had a girl. I think I’ve done everything I’m going to with this story, but if you want to write a retelling where the lindworm is a girl, hit me up in like five years when my publishing company has expanded a little and I’ll publish it for you.)

(I wrote a book about the crazy aftermath, and you can get it here.)

[theparanormalperiodical]

The REAL Story Behind The Crooked Man And The 7 Other Fairy Tales & Nursery Rhymes With *Even More* Disturbing Backstories

It was 4 years ago that we first met the Crooked Man.

With a *sickening* reveal via rottweiler fit for the latest season of Rupaul’s Drag Race, the suited gentleman staggered his way from The Conjuring 2 (2016) into our nightmares.

But his ashy undertones, gnashing teeth, and general aura of “I’m a demon, or something, which means I have no real motive apart from wanting to kill you” isn’t the only thing that fits the film far too well.

The Conjuring universe is the definition of ‘based on a true story’. And the Crooked Man fits the brief.

In the opening scenes of the film we see lovable and bulliable Billy stutter through a nursery rhyme:

There was a crooked man, and he went a crooked mile, He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile; He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse, And they all liv'd together in a little crooked house.

Accompanied by a totally-cursed-i-mean-just-look-at-it zoetrope (it’s a bit like a mini projector that shows you a moving cartoon), Billy introduces us to one of the handful of extra entities terrorising London’s most haunted house. You can discover more about the true story of 284 Green Street which inspired The Conjuring 2 here. 

But Billy also introduces us to a real nursery rhyme inherent in British culture - and British history.

Yes, the nursery rhyme, like many, is based on dark and twisted reality softened for a bedtime story. And amongst this history was a real person. Unfortunately, the Crooked Man is not the only fairy tale monster or nursery rhyme entity that will be haunting your dreams.

Are y’all tucked in?

The Crooked Man

The nursery rhyme was first told sometime in the 17th century during the reign of King Charles I. But the Crooked Man was not the Stuart King - it was allegedly inspired by Scottish general Sir Alexander Leslie and the covenant he signed.

The covenant secured religious and political freedom for Scotland despite prevailing animosity between the English and the Scottish.

The crooked stile is the awkward alliance between the two parliaments and the crooked house refers to the collective union the Scottish and English lived together in. But the ‘crooked’ part works on another level, too.

The great recoinage of late 17th century meant sixpences - which feature in the rhyme - were made of very thin silver and thus easy to bend.

An alternative origins story links it back to Lavenham, a village in Suffolk (England). The half-timbered houses leaned at off angles as if supporting each other, creating a crooked aesthetic that matches the nursery rhyme.

The Pied Piper Of Hamelin

I distinctly remember hearing the story of the Pied Piper when I was about 7 years old. I was there, sat crossed-legged on the wooden floor in assembly and listening to the headteacher tell us the tale of the musical maverick with an overhead projector.

I remember it being far more nostalgic and not so traumatising.

The story goes that sometime in the 13th century a peculiar man dressed in brightly-coloured clothes (pied clothing) was hired by the town to rid them of the rats with his pipe-playing abilities. Hamelin had been suffering from an infestation that would threaten the locals with the plague. The piper was to play his pipe, entice the rats with his magical music, and lead them to a river where they would promptly drown.

He was hired and he did the job - but they didn’t pay up.

The piper couldn’t exactly refund his services. Instead, he sought vengeance, luring away the children of the town with his magical pipe. He waited until Saint John and Paul’s day where the adults would be in the church, dressed in green like a hunter, and played his pipe. The children of the village swarmed to him, all 130 of them, following him out of the town and into a cave. Three were unable to follow due to being blind and deaf and thus told the villagers what had happened.

The real story:

Some versions of the story claimed he made them walk into a river, others claim he returned them after payment. But what we do know for sure is that there is a street in Hamelin called Bungelosenstrasse. On this street - ‘the street without drums’ according to translation - the children were seen last. No music and no dancing is allowed on this road.

Bluebeard

We open on a typical Medieval scene: a powerful and wealthy man is looking for a young wife to replace the last one who mysteriously went missing. Bluebeard’s been through quite a few women, actually, but it’s his latest bae that stars in this story. Bluebeard marries his neighbour’s daughter and goes on a business trip.

He tells her he can stay alone in their house but she cannot open a certain door.

Of course, she opens the door and finds the corpses of his ex-wives. Her and her sisters band together to kill Bluebeard, showering themselves with a wealthy inheritance.

The real story:

This tragic tale of murder and mystery is unfortunately all too true.

There are many alleged origins of the folktale. Let’s start with the Medieval ruler of Brittany, Conomor the Cursed: his new wife agreed to marry him to prevent him from invading her father’s lands but accidentally walked in on a room full of his dead, old wives. She was visited by their ghosts who warn him if she falls pregnant, he will kill her, preventing a prophecy that claims he will be killed by his own son.

She gets knocked up, gives birth, and then she gets her block knocked off.

An alternative inspiration could be a similarly brutal figure: Gilles de Rais (15th century). He was accused of murdering approximately 140 children who suddenly went missing in the Nantes countryside. He was condemned to death and executed in 1440.

Snow White

It’s one of the most popular fairytales of all time.

The story goes that a queen gives birth to a baby girl but dies in childbirth. The king’s new wife is wicked and vain, asking her magic mirror ‘who is the fairest one of all?’ on a daily basis. When the child turns seven, the mirror changes its answer from the queen to the child, Snow White (yeah, that’s weird). The queen hires a huntsman to kill Snow White, but she begs for mercy and says she will live in the woods and he can pretend he killed her.

She finds shelter in a cottage belonging to seven dwarfs who agree to let her stay as a maid until the evil queen asks the mirror her favourite question. It claims Snow White is still alive and the fairest of them all. She goes through several methods of attempting to kill Snow until she falls into a deep coma. The dwarfs host a funeral, a prince comes along, and he, uhhh, kisses what he assumed to be a corpse and she is awakened.

They then get hitched but don’t invite the queen to the wedding. The queen asks the mirror yet again the identity of the fairest, assuming Snow is well and truly deceased but the mirror breaks the bad news to her again. The queen tries to kill her once more but Snow’s hubby forces her to wear red-hot iron slippers and dance in them until she dies.

There’s a lot going on here.

But rather than unpacking everything that's wrong with all of this *gestures to everything*, let’s just get to the dark reality beneath it all.

The real story:

The inspiration is generally deemed to be Margaretha von Walbeck, a young woman who had a terrible relationship with her stepmother. She was forced to move to Brussels and fell in love with Phillip II of Spain, a romance not popular with her parents.

Suddenly, however, Margaretha died. Rumour has it she was poisoned.

Another detail of her life also links her to Snow White: her father’s copper mines were often filled with child labourers whose growth was stunted by working in them, mirroring the ‘dwarves’ in the story.

But Margaretha is not the only contender: Maria Sophia Margaretha Catharina Freifräulein von Erthal *inhale* also hated her stepmother. This - and the fact that her stepmother was given a mirror as a gift by her husband - also ties her to Snow White.

Hansel And Gretel

It’s possibly the most simple fairy tale up for discussion: a brother and sister are sent out to the woods by their father. The mother asked for him to send them away so they can survive a famine. But Hansel uses stones to trace their steps back home. One day, however, he uses crumbs. They get eaten by the local wildlife, so the kids get lost.

They then discover a witch's house, a gingerbread cottage. She lures ‘em in, fattens up Hansel, and prepares to feast on his flesh. The kids plot against her, throw her in the oven, and steal her stuff before heading back to live with their father.

Okay, so maybe this one isn’t based on a true story. It’s based on true stories. Yep - plural.

The real story:

Child abandonment and infanticide was pretty common during plagues, famines, and all other circumstances of poverty. In fact, this particular tale is believed to come from the Great Famine which stretched across Europe from 1315 to 1317. Child abandonment surged during this time.

Rapunzel

Turns out Disney lopped off a lot of Rapunzel’s real story to make it a family friendly movie. Yep, this is a weird one.

A pregnant woman begins to crave a kind of salad leaf (Campanula rapunculus, also called rapunzel) in the garden of the house next door. He goes out to nick it but is caught by the homeowner - a witch. She says he can take the rapunzel, but in return he must give her the child once it is born.

The witch raises Rapunzel as her own but locks her away in a tower when she is 12 to protect her from the outside world.

A prince eventually rocks up and decides to climb her immensely long hair. Unknown, probably PG-13 and probably not consensual acts happen. Still, given it's the medieval era they agree to get hitched after escaping.

The witch discovers her plan, cuts off her hair, exiles Rapunzel, and uses the locks as bait for the prince before throwing him to the briar roses below where he is promptly blinded. Rapunzel gives birth to twins and the prince finds her, identifying her only by her voice. Her tears restore his voice.

The real story:

Being kidnapped or being kept hidden away from the rest of the world is pretty common, well, all of the time. But Saint Barabara, a Greek saint, was the main inspiration for the tale.

She was locked away in a tower in Turkey in the third century by her father in an attempt to protect her Christianity. But her Pagan father’s efforts did not succeed and she discovered the ways of Jesus. She escaped but she was eventually caught by her father who then tortured and beheaded her.

Religious intolerance, y’all.

Beauty And The Beast

Time for another Disney classic with a heavily edited plotline.

The father of a family seeks shelter in a grand palace during a storm. In the morning before he leaves he takes a rose from the garden but is caught by a beast who threatens to kill him for nicking a flower. But the beast agrees not to kill him if his daughter takes his place instead.

The daughter moves to the palace but asks to go see her family for a week. She is then convinced by her sisters to stay at home. A magic mirror then reveals the beast is dying because she isn’t with him. She returns to him and her love breaks the curse that makes him appear so monstrous.

The real story:

Petrus Gonsalvus (1637-1618) was born with hypertrichosis. This meant he had a thick layer of hair all over his body - his physical difference didn’t go down very well. He was kept as a ‘wild man’ in a cage and fed raw meat.

When he was 10 years old he was gifted to the king of france. But he wasn’t kept as a ‘beast’. He was educated like a nobleman and was taught to read, write, and speak three different languages. He was then married off to the daughter of a court servant.

He was married to her for over 40 years and they had seven children together.

(Aww.)

Three Blind Mice

Three blind mice, three blind mice, See how they run, see how they run, They all ran after the farmer’s wife, Who cut off their tails with a carving knife, Did you ever see such a thing in your life, As three blind mice?

The real story:

It's one of those nursery rhymes you grow up with - and 17 years later you realise how traumatic it actually is.

This nursery rhyme can be traced back to the reign of Bloody Mary (16th century) who had a tricky relationship with Protestants. And by that I mean she burnt them alive, hence the nickname.

The three blind mice represented three Protestant bishops who may have been blinded before their execution or spiritually blind for following Catholicism. Another reference to Queen Mary was her as a farmer’s wife.

Her husband, Philip of Spain, owned several estates and thus was technically a farmer.

Welp, there goes your childhood.

If you liked this post go on and like and reblog. Go on, share your love for my amazing talents with the world!

And if you want to read an article about the paranormal every weekend then you best be hitting follow!

See you next week, kiddos. Sleep tight.

[darkarfs]

my favorite WWE matches of 1997

Though I officially started watching wrestling in 1995 (my family famously first bought SummerSlam that year, which would be my first wrestling show ever, because it was $25.00. 1995 was a bad year for wrestling), I became a regular watcher of both WWE and WCW Raw and Nitro, and was able to buy my own PPVs, around summer of 1996, when Hogan turned. The first show I bought with my own money was In Your House: Buried Alive, though I kept up with weekly TV. And, for better or worse, I've been a fan ever since.

1997 was a REAL rollercoaster year for wrestling. The NWO was becoming a bloated mess in no time at all, Bret Hart was riding high, while he and Shawn Michaels publicly hated one another, a young Rocky Maivia was slowly transforming into the most charismatic wrestler of maybe all time, a young Steve Austin has broken his neck and can only work 5 minute matches but is somehow the most OVER wrestler in the company, and by the end of the year, the Screwjob happens, Bret's in WCW, Shawn's on handfuls of SOMAs (yet main-eventing). In a lot of ways, I'm grateful, because I side-stepped all of Hogan's WWF and WCW run. But it was a tornado of a year for a business always on precarious footing, as it ever has been.

And it gave us some CRACKING matches! - The 1997 Royal Rumble I love me a Rumble, and it's REALLY hard (but not impossible) to find a bad one (1993, 1995, 1999). And I personally love one with a storyline that runs throughout, and in this case, it's the ultimate heeling of Stone Cold Steve Austin. He visibly dominates the match until he hears Bret Hart's music, and then goes into panic mode. And it furthers the characterization of Bret's hand-spun narrative as being rightfully pissed that he's being taken advantage of by the roster, screwed by the company, and booed by the fans. Fun bonus: this is also the only Rumble appearance of lucha legend Mil Mascaras, who was so full of old-school carny spirit he famously refused to let anyone else eliminate him, so he eliminated himself, pissed Vince off, and was not spoken of again on WWE TV until the 2012 Hall of Fame ceremony, where he was inducted by his huge prick nephew, Alberto del Rio. - Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, WrestleMania 13 This match is considered legendary, and for good reason. The greatest technical wrestler in the company vs. the best brawler, months of build, the world's most iconic (and off-the-cuff) blade-job (so much so that the visual of Austin bleeding in the Sharpshooter going "DAAAHHHH!" became the cover for his first VHS) and the wrestling world's most exquisite double-turn. It's fun, it's thrilling, it feels at once timeless and modern. Fun fact: there's a fun version of this match you can watch with just Austin doing commentary over it, and it's entertaining as hell. A true classic, and one of the greatest 'Mania matches of all time. - Ken Shamrock vs. Vader, No Holds Barred match, In Your House: a Cold Day In Hell Vader, famously, while a big teddy bear and a for-all-accounts lovely guy outside of the ring, had a reputation of being a bit "snug" with other wrestlers. Meaning he hit a little too hard, had little self-control, and took liberties with people, especially rookies and younger guys. It's supposedly why Shawn Michaels didn't want to work a world title program with him from summer to fall of 1996, because he was "too rough." But what never occurred to Vader is that trying that with a guy who's had 2 matches but has almost 5 years of MMA experience might not be the smartest or most prudent idea. Shamrock gives Vader as much as Vader gives him in this match, and there are moments where you can tell the guys are going into business for themselves. There's a moment where Shamrock is clubbing Vader with punches, and you can hear Vader, as he's turtling up and putting his arms up to block, yell "SLOW DOWN!" and then he rolls out of the ring to catch a breather. Vader, by the end of this match, is bleeding through his mask, a product of a broken nose, which is why I assume he gives Shamrock the stiffest short-arm clothesline I've ever seen. It's brutal, it's stupid, it weaves in and out of the script SO many times like a drunk man trying to stand up straight on a canoe, and I'm fascinated by each and every instance. - Owen Hart vs. the British Bulldog, European Championship Tournament Finals, Monday Night Raw, March 3rd Somehow, a workrate classic is stuck on a rinky-dink episode of Raw from Berlin, Germany. Smith and Hart blended some of their acquired WWE-style of work with classic junior heavyweight wrestling, complete with intricate reversals and fast-paced offense that was unlike either man's designed ethos of the time. Hart's shift toward his underhanded instincts as the match wore on provided enough story to balance the beautiful grappling from two men with impressive resumes. You can feel that these two knew one another, grew up together, and most importantly, wrestled together. An honest-to-God sleeper hit, but everyone who knows this match calls it a classic. - Shawn Michaels vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, King of the Ring It's a concept that would be beaten into the ground in short order: Tag Team Champions that hate each other's guts. John Cena, seriously, has only been tag champions with people he's feuding with. That's

not even a joke. Austin and Michaels won the belts out of mutual dislike for the Hart Foundation, and then were programmed together for a wild match at the King of the Ring, one without a winner. Early on, the two actually pieced together a tremendous wrestling match full of nifty counters (prior to Austin changing his style after August for obvious reasons), before it degenerated into chaos after both men assaulted referees in the heat of the moment. Granted, neither man could really lose this one, so the screwy finish did serve its purpose. Until that point, it's a different type of incredible Austin match. You're never so happy to see a double-DQ finish. - Owen Hart & the British Bulldog vs. Shawn Michaels & Stone Cold Steve Austin, Monday Night Raw, May 26th And now we have a match set! The previous 4 participants in a brilliant and brutal tag team match. The Tag Team championship switch marked Austin's first piece of recognized gold in WWE, in a match on free television no less. That's not to insult the match any, as it was a pay-per-view quality fracas that barely slowed down. It is a mere 14 minutes long WITH entrances, but it moves at a clip, and everyone has their working boots on. It was a harbinger of days to come for this new period in WWE's history, and the crowd ate it up.

- Taka Michinoku vs. the Great Sasuke, In Your House: Canadian Stampede What happened here? Just when you think WCW had the cruiserweights cornered, WWE pulls this shit...and then kind of ignores it for a few months. But not before importing two of Michinoku Pro's finest to have a TakeOver-length exhibition. At first, the crowd in Calgary wasn't sure what to make of the undersized performers, but it wouldn't take long to win them over. From Michinoku's hands-free springboard dive to Sasuke's beautiful Thunder Fire Powerbomb, the expansive crowd was positively hooked on the daredevils with each passing minute. Although Sasuke wouldn't be long for the company, and Michinoku's run as Light Heavyweight Champion faded as 1998 wore on, the display at Canadian Stampede was a wondrous experience. This wouldn't have looked out of place in a Chikara King of Trios tournament. - The Hart Foundation (Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart, Brian Pillman, the British Bulldog) vs. Team Austin (Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Legion of Doom, Ken Shamrock and Goldust), In Your House: Canadian Stampede I would have put this match on the list for the entrances and the finish alone. The crowd is at fever static for the entire match, seriously at the level of Punk/Cena at MITB 2011. And even though the Harts are the heels, they're in Calgary, and they get rock-star level ovations for merely existing. Everyone plays it mad and delighted, and you can tell they're all having a ball. Especially Pillman, who is just magically unhinged, a template for a young Dean Ambrose during their feud with the Wyatt Family. It is a magical, unreal main event, one of the best B-ppv main events maybe of all time. Well...other than MAYBE... - Shawn Michaels vs. the Undertaker, Hell in a Cell, In Your House: Badd Blood The very first Hell in a Cell match may very well double as the greatest of its kind. What stands out to me (other than how the match ends) is just how GREAT Michaels' selling is. When he's running away, he's constantly looking around for an exit, like a scared rat. When he finally gets caught and struck, he sells almost to the level he did for Hogan at SummerSlam 2005. But while he was doing that to make Hogan's offense look stupid, he's doing it here to make Taker's offense and anger look legit, and it somehow WORKS. But as fabulous as the match and the psychology is, it somehow takes a backseat to the debut of the Undertaker's monstrous little brother Kane, finally confronting his older brother in perhaps the greatest character debut in WWE history. - Mankind vs. Kane, Survivor Series I dunno what it is about this match that does it for me. Mankind's emotional lead-up to the match, where he's sad that Uncle Paul (Bearer) left him. Maybe the fact that Kane sells like Michael Myers, not so much that he's in pain, but as if he's never been hit in the face with a steel chair, a DDT or a piledriver. Maybe it's because Mick takes more horrific bumps than he needs to to make sure Kane looks like a legit monster. Maybe it's the broken Virtua Boy lighting. But it's genuinely unlike any other Mankind, Kane or ANY match I've seen before or since. It's a perfect somehow sympathetic serial killer vs. bigger, scarier serial killer that feels nothing story in a wrestling match. I didn't even know you could DO that.

[nekomittchi]

My Disney Fab 50 Statues

This is my version of the Disney Fab 50 statues for the WDW 50th Anniversary, and why I picked each one. My list aims much more to park history than the official list does. I'll note which ones are official statues by underlining them. These are in no particular order, but organized by park they'd be in. Magic Kingdom 1) Mickey - Obviously, Mickey, being the park and company mascot, needs to be here, and he's on the official list as well. I chose to put my version in his Philharmagic costume. It's got the hat from Fantasia/Sorcerer's Apprentice, which is well known, but tailored more to the park attraction. 2) Daisy Duck - One of the Fab 6, Daisy is also along for the ride. But unlike the official's "standard" outfit, I'm putting Daisy in a safari outfit to represent Jungle Cruise. Since Jungle Cruise doesn't really have any characters, I'm using outfits, like with Mickey, to represent attractions that otherwise would be left out. 3) Goofy - Another of the Fab 6, Mickey's best friend needs to be represented. Like Daisy, he's also repping a character-less ride. This time he's repping Big Thunder Railroad. As an added bonus, if they put him in a conductor outfit, it could also rep Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railway, but that's at another park. 4) Pluto - The last of the Fab 6 in this park (the other two I'm placing elsewhere), Mickey's dog Pluto. And since the Park Wishables already put Mickey and Minnie in space suits for Space Mountain, let's give Pluto an astronaut helmet to represent it! And, as an added bonus, it doubles as a take-that at Universal, since Disney can't have Marvel in the WDW parks, and Pluto would be a joke on Cosmo (the space dog in the Collector's museum from Guardians of the Galaxy). 5) Sonny Eclipse - The first statue of mine that's not only unique to my list, but also represents something 100% in the park. I haven't been to Cosmic Rays myself, but from what I hear around WDWNT and WIGScord, it's pretty popular. Or at least Sonny is. So he gets a statue. 6) Merlin and Archmedes - Second statue unique to my list, and the first that's for the history of the park. Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom was a scavenger hunt-type game that closed down early this year, and Merlin was kinda your guide for it. The game apparently had a lot of problems, but it looked really fun at the same time. 7) Genie - A surprising omition from the official list, and, unlike DLR, WDW actually has an Aladdin ride. The official list does have Abu, but I feel Genie is much more iconic and representitational of the movie. I'm also surprised that Carpet wasn't with Abu. 8) Pirate Dog - The Pirate Dog holding the keys is my representation of Pirates of the Caribbean. The dog might not be the most obvious pick, but as I'm trying to steer away from realistic-looking human characters, the dog was picked. Plus, they also made a Tsum Tsum and a Wishable of him, so... 9) Big Al OR Henry- This one's a toss-up. Either bear would do, and it's surprising to me that Country Bear Jamboree isn't represented. Of course, we know that it's a "less popular" attraction, so... 10) Madame Leota - The hitchhiking ghosts would also work to represent Haunted Mansion, but I think that having a gold statue inside of an ornate glass orb would look cooler. Plus, it only takes up one character slot, rather than 3. 11) Dumbo - One of the original rides from Disneyland, this classic has to be represented, and Disney agreed. Although I cut out Timothy. Didn't wanna take up another slot. 12) Stitch - Another statue to represent a past attraction, Stitch is here to represent Stitch's Great Escape. He's also, like the official statue, in his 626 form, because there's not nearly as much merchandise for him that way. 13) Winnie the Pooh - Piglet is with him on the official statue, but I think Pooh can stand on his own. Or, at least, eat hunny on his own. I mean, the ride is called "Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh," not "Pooh and Friends." Also, Tigger is way better than Piglet. 14) Mr. Toad - Another surprising omition from the list. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride might not be in Magic Kingdom anymore, but he's still fondly remembered, and they even made a Wishable of him (from the Disneyland 65th Anniversary set, but whatever). 15) Maleficent (Dragon) - The first of my statues that's not for an attraction, but a show (okay, Philharmagic is kinda a show, but shush). And she's also considered the "leader" of all of the Disney Villains, who are not represented at all in the official list, which I think is a shame. Sure, we all love the heroes, but who would those heroes be without their villains? 16) Face Clock - The only non-character in my list, the Face Clock is iconic enough for the World's Fair-turned-park ride. Because if you picked one of the dolls, which doll would you pick?! 17) Elliot - I've never seen the Main Street Electrical Parade myself (unless it was when I was 5), but I'd recognize the dragon float from Pete's Dragon anywhere. Bonus points if they could do the statue in such a way that it looked like the float, too. 18) Tinkerbell - The last of the revealed statues, Tinkerbell has come to represent Disney magic, both within and outside the parks, just as much as Mickey. Officially representing Peter Pan's Flight, I'd like to think that she also represents the Castle, like in the company card at the start of the movies. 19) Jose, Michael, Pierre, and Fritz - Yes, I know I've been trying to avoid "wasting" slots with multi-character statues, but... How could you pick just one of the Enchanted Tiki Room birds?! 20) Cheshire Cat - Cheshire and Mad Hatter both made the list (as separate statues), but I feel that Alice in Wonderland can be represented by Cheshire on his own. Plus, cat. 21) Boo - Monster's Inc Laugh Floor is an attraction that I wish was at DLR, so I could go on it, but even better than Sulley or Mike is the adorable Boo. 22) Jimminy Cricket - Yet another surprising omition from the list, Jimminy is almost as iconic to Disney Magic as Tinkerbell is. The official list has Pinocchio, but Jimminy is so much more "Disney" in general than Pinocchio. 23) Dopey - Seven Dwarfs Mine Train represent, as well as Disney's first animated feature. EPCOT 24) Donald Duck, Jose, and Panchito - Mickey's other best friend, here represented with the other two of the Three Caballeros, as represented in the Gran Fiesta Tour ride in the Mexico Pavillion. Like with the other members of the Fab 6, I chose to put him in an attraction outfit, and since I did, the other two had to come along for the ride. 25) Figment - Journey to Imagination (or whatever the current name of the attraction is) might be "meh" as a ride, but everyone loves Figment. Even Disney, who included him. 26) Olaf - I love Bruni. Bruni is probably my favorite character from all of Frozen. But Bruni isn't even named in the movie, he doesn't need to be on a statue. Olaf can represent Frozen Ever After by himself. 27) Remy - I'm shocked that Remy's not on the official list, given that his ride [officially] opens on the first day of the 50th Celebration, and represents the future of the parks. 28) Orange Bird - OB is on the official list, though in MK rather than EPCOT. All of the merch and such I've seen for him has been for the EPCOT festivals, so I'm sticking him here. 29) Rocket Racoon and Groot - Another statue to look to the future, for whenever Cosmic Rewind opens. Also, unlike the official statue, we are not using the realistic style from the official statue. The fur on Rocket looks so bad. Nah, instead we'll do him smooth, like the cartoons. 30) Mushu - Mushu was left out of the live action Mulan movie, but he's designed after traditional Chinese dragons, so let's put him over by the China Pavilion. 31) Marie - Did you really think that this list was not going to have my favorite character on it? I mean, really? Plus, we've got THREE mice/rats on the list, AND a dog, so we need another cat. Hollywood Studios 32) Minnie Mouse - And here we have the last of the Fab 6, Mickey's gal Minnie! Why is she in Hollywood Studios? Because she's representing Tower of Terror, wearing a cute outfit, of course! 33) DJ-R3X - Remember all those Fab 6 characters representing multiple characters? Yeah, R3X here is doing the same. Not only is DJ-R3X the DJ at Oga's Cantina in Galaxy's Edge, but he was originally RX-24, the pilot for the original version of Star Tours. Much better representation than BB-8 or R2-D2 from the official list. 34) Kermit the Frog - One of the more offensive omitions from the official list. MuppetVision3D is great fun, and the Muppets don't get nearly enough love, even with the Haunted Mansion special coming. 35) Chuuby - Okay, so sue me, I'm obsessed with the little merchandising bird. He's just too cute. 36) Woody and Buzz Lightyear - I know the official statue is Woody and Bo-Peep. But I haven't seen Toy Story 4 (or 3), so I want Buzz there. Disney's Animal Kingdom 37) Chip and Dale - Ya gotta have the little buddies! And who better to be wearing cute little Wilderness Explorer outfits? 38) The Yeti - So, the real Yeti might not work in Expedition Everest, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be represented as a statue! Just make sure it's not realistic fur like that horrible Rocket statue. Stylized only! 39) Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa - Simba is separate from his friends in the official statue, but the trio (Simba as a child) should stick together. Festival of the Lion King is amazing to watch. You'll note a few things on my list: 1) There are no princesses. This was a specific omition on my part. The princesses have their own line of stuff, and are fairly over-used as it is. I wanted to get away from that. 2) As I mentioned with the Pirate Dog, I wanted to avoid realistic human characters. They either look good, or they don't. And I wanted a bit more of a similar style to everything, hence why I'm noting that Rocket should be done in the cartoon style, and the Yeti should be stylized. 3) Everything is tied into an attraction, land, or Disney Magic. Nothing is there solely from a movie. 4) My list only has 3 statues more than the official list. 5) For reference, here are the characters that are on the official list that are missing from mine: Timothy the Mouse (with Dumbo) Piglet (with Winnie the Pooh) Bruni (with Olaf) Bo-Peep (with Woody) Lumiere and Cogsworth Mad Hatter Pinocchio Gus and Jaq Lady and Tramp Abu Dante Miguel Pua and Hei-Hei Joe Gardener Edna Mode Frozone R2-D2 BB-8 Sebastian and Flounder Nemo and Dory Bambi and Thumper Of these, there are no major parks connections for Lumiere and Cogsworth, Lady and Tramp, Dante, Miguel, Pua and Hei-Hei (yet), Joe Gardener, Edna, and Frozone. Edna and Frozone especially bother me, as they're not even the main characters. Why couldn't we get a Jack-Jack instead? And Mr. Mittens and 22 over Joe Gardener? 6) And, finally, here are my statues that are new to my list: Sonny Eclipse Merlin and Archmedes Genie Pirate Dog Big Al Madame Leota Mr. Toad Maleficent Face Clock Elliot Jose, Michael, Pierre, and Fritz Boo Jimminy Cricket Dopey Remy Mushu Marie DJ-R3X Kermit the Frog Chuuby Buzz Lightyear The Yeti

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Scheming (with Sandwiches) (5/3/2021)

Alastor talks to Valera @autokrates about her visit from Ruler Of Hell King Alastor @akillingspreeinwhite—and more importantly, what to do about him if he decides he wants to start conquering other Hells.

Alastor's plan: an alliance between as many potentially threatened dimensions as possible.

Alastor

Lunch time! Hello Valera guess who it is, it's Alastor. "I hope you don't mind, I thought it might be nice to have lunch together today! Sandwich?" The sandwich is an innocent gift of friendship with no ulterior motives! And also it's a bribe.

Valera

Lunch time! A great time, usually. A chance to gossip with coworkers AND eat. And look who's here, it's Alastor, with a very innocent sandwich! "Mind? Not at all, by all means my dear, it's a pleasure."

She does TRY to take a bite from the sandwich, but before she can even sink her teeth into it her whole face twists and she has to put it aside to flop her head down and groan. Don't mind her clutching her stomach, this is normal. "Eelizzy is *rioting* back home, oh my *gods*. Feels like I swallowed a radio full of hornets."

Alastor

"Oh, don't you hate that? When you're trying to pick up a station on the radio and there's so much interference all you hear is *buzzing*?" He's proud of himself for that joke. He shouldn't be. "Try this, see if it calms her down any." He sends over a song. <https://youtu.be/2t4iBbfwBLw>

Valera

She'd glare at him for that joke, but she's too busy making her poor floppy at-home body cooperate long enough to open a link. "Louisiana Lullaby? Well by name alone it promises results. She loved New Orleans."

A minute passes, and she slowly sits upright. The sandwich is cautiously picked up, and she nibbles at the crust as she raises both eyebrows at Alastor. She can guess what he really wants to know. "Incredible, even from a distance you're better at wrangling a kid than your more... *royal* alternate." That's an opening if she's ever given one, here you go Alastor.

Alastor

His smile widens. The exact topic he wanted to talk about! "I take it his visit was rather... stomach-turning?"

Valera

She glances around, making sure they're far enough away from any coworkers, then leans in with gossiping intent. "Putting it *mildly*. He's very tall, he's very self assured, and he's got the worst vibes I've ever felt roll off of a man. Like dunking my face in used cooking oil. And get this. The second he stepped into my house, Eelizzy started thrashing like a harpooned whale. She's never reacted so violently to *anything*."

Alastor

A slow nod. "That's never a good sign. I trust the judgment of the as yet unborn, they tend to be less prejudiced. And I take it you don't think it was a mere reaction to his power level?"

Valera

Her head cocks to the right, nose scrunching in thought. "He gave me one of Lucifer's flight feathers, so I assume she felt some of that power too. But I put the thing away and she still spent the entire visit either flailing or spitting static at him every time he got too close."

The hand not holding the sandwich brushes her barbels back, rubbing her forehead. "I suppose it's possible that his energy was simply so foreign she reacted strongly, but I live with *Leal*. She's been around for everything from eldritch magic to his full demonic form and barely even stirred. When she met Alexa? Happily buzzing at him barely a minute in. You saw how well she took to you, too. She's met dragons, gods, demons, sinners, and not a single one had her that pissed. Even Seapup was growling at him and Seapup loves *everyone*."

Alastor

"If she doesn't even react to *gods* like that, I'm going to assume it's the quality rather than the quantity." He sighs. "Well, *that's* telling, isn't it! I'm not sure *what* it's telling us yet—but I don't think I'm going to like the answer, do you?"

Valera

She snorts. "No. No I do *not*. He got to my planet unaided, Alastor. Got into my house without me giving any sort of direction. He knew the planet's name before I ever told him. And I want to chalk that up to just him reading my blog, but... I know he's followed me and Leal around without either of us being able to sense him."

Alastor

Alastor nods. "He mentioned that to me too, your 'being followed' adventure. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if the king's done it more than once. Or, considering how strong he has to be to have seized the throne, he might have additional methods of sussing out information. All of which are probably bad news."

Valera

This poor sandwich is never going to get eaten at this rate, there she goes putting it down again. "No kidding. He's been the pinnacle of manners and social grace for now, but.." A shrug, and she offers Alastor a wan smile. "I don't trust that to last. He's an outlier to the already unpredictable Alastor model."

Alastor

"No, I don't trust it either." His voice lowers—not his usual trick of changing his tone of voice to pretend he's being quieter, but an actual lowering of volume. "Here's the thing. I don't trust a single one of my alternates that's joined in the overlord rat race—much less has made king. A propensity toward boredom like mine should *never* be married to earnest political ambitions. When he gets bored, he's going to do what he's always done: conquer. And if there's no more room for him to move *upward,* he'll start moving *outward.* And wouldn't you know it, he's *just* found the multiverse."

Valera

"Exactly." She exhales almost too forcefully for it to be a sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. What a headache this was turning out to be. "I *really* don't want to test my mettle against even a normal Alastor alt, the idea of *that* man being able to show up in my house on a whim and start trying to play at the All American Dream of Conquering the Alien Menace is... Not good." An absent minded rubbing of her stomach, self soothing and comforting an egg that was universes away. "I'm not ashamed to admit that I am, on some level, absolutely terrified."

Alastor

"You're not alone," Alastor admits. "Not to downplay your very realistic 'heroic human conquering the savage alien world' fears, but if human history has proven anything, it's that we tend to try conquering our neighbors first and only travel farther after we either succeed or decide it's more trouble than it's worth. And neighbors don't get much closer than a parallel copy of the same place."

Valera

"Oh dear." Grimacing, she lifts a hand like she's about to offer comfort, letting it hover for a moment before slowly putting it back down. No, don't do for the shoulder pat just yet. "I don't like that one bit, Alastor. But for what it's worth, if it came down to it, I'd try to help you."

Alastor

"That is *exactly* what I wanted to discuss." Alastor's eyes glow brighter. "Now, any version of me that's conquered Hell is going to be stronger than any version of me that hasn't, that's practically a given. He could beat any *one* of us hands down. I haven't seen *you* at full power, but frankly that's a boxing match I wouldn't want to bet money on for either side. But—*but*—if enough of us have agreed we'll fight him if he stepped out of line... The more of us agree to fight in defense of each other's dimensions, the better a chance we'll collectively stand. Leclerq and I have already agreed to offer each other mutual support. With three of us, we might have the start of a proper defense."

Valera

She folds her hands, listening as Alastor lays out his plan. Strength in numbers, it was an effective strategy. She could think of a few others who would gladly throw their hats in the ring in the name of keeping the line as well, Alastor or otherwise. "Alright. I'll add myself to that list, and pray we never need it."

Alastor

He laughs wryly. "And I'll be praying for backup in case we *do* need it. Apparently upstairs doesn't care about who's calling the shots in Hell, if they didn't intervene before my alternate could take the crown; but maybe they'll start to care if multiple Hells start uniting in one empire."

Valera

She snorts despite herself, shaking her head. "I hope so! Wouldn't that be something, heaven and hell uniting forces against one common enemy! I just hope we never have to see it."

Alastor

"So do I." He takes a deep breath. "So! Anything else of interest to report from his little visit? You mentioned *you* didn't like his... 'vibes'?"

Valera

"Oh! Yeah. Holy shit." A WELCOME subject change. "He's freaky. And I don't like that I know even one of his kinks. I want to know zero of them." She shrugs and picks her sandwich back up. At last, something she can eat while discussing. "As far as his visit though. He gave me one of Lucifer's flight feathers. Which I _immediately_ handed off to mon cerf."

Alastor

"He certainly has poor taste in kinks." He says this like his ace ass is some sort of elitist kink connoisseur. Like a wine snob judging a broke-ass college kid for drinking box wine. "But is that the *only* sense you meant he's freaky in, or...? Granted, handing an acquaintance a souvenir harvested from the body of one's vanquished nemesis is a hell of an opening statement all by itself, but."

Valera

"I wish." Look at that face scrunch. It won't keep her from taking a bite out of her sandwich, but still. "No, I mean his very presence was like trying to breathe oil. He's.." She frowns, brow furrowing as she tries to think of a less melodramatic way to put it. "He's nice, but in the way people are nice to a pet."

Alastor

A huff. "I got a little bit of that impression from talking to him. Granted, Radio Demons are a naturally condescending lot, but even at that..." He searches for the right words. "He strikes me as the kind of person incapable of seeing anyone as his equal. Even his own alternates."

Valera

She nods. "Yes, I think you're right. We're entertainment more than we are people. Perhaps _especially_ his alternates, come to think of it.." Judging by the way he'd treated his alts on dash..

Alastor

"Could be worse—could be outright loathing—but I'm wary around any alternate who can't even see *himself* as a kindred spirit. I'm hoping I can take advantage of it, though. I've got an open invitation to visit his dimension sometime to provide entertainment—a few Hamilton songs from me in exchange for a tour. I plan on scouting the place out then."

Valera

"Oh yeah! You do, don't you! You should try and see what happened to the other overlords in his Hell. Assuming he didn't kill them as soon as they manifested, I've wondered whats become of them."

Alastor

"So have I. I have to think overlords still exist—what does it matter to a king if the peasants claim ownership of a block or two?—but whether any of them are the same overlords *we* know..." He grimaces. "He said he took power in the fifties, didn't he? If we're assuming a worst case scenario where he executed all the overlords who currently existed, that includes Sir Pentious and Rosie. Maybe Rosie was minor enough to be spared, if anyone was spared at all; but someone else with ambitions for the throne..."

Valera

She scowls, shoving the rest of the sandwich in her mouth to keep from saying anything before she can think it over. He was right, and the thought was.. Deeply uncomfortable. A hard swallow, and she starts brushing the crumbs off her chest. "We're set to have lunch together tomorrow, *out* of my house." She doesn't sound especially *happy* about the arrangement, but oh well. "If I learn anything new, I'll let you know. Between the two of us, we should hopefully be able to get a feel for what situation we're dealing with. Odds are his Pentious was exterminated."

A blink, and she squints. "Actually, he said something to Theodore today. His Hell has had some *significant* technological advancements since he took the throne, he was very proud of that fact. All radio based, obviously, but he doesn't strike me as an inventor."

Alastor

"*Our* Hell's had significant technological advancements since the fifties, too," Alastor pointed out. "He could be collecting newly-dead inventors and pressing them to turn their expertise toward radio-based applications. Or, hell—it could simply be that having V#x out of the way means the technological developments in Hell naturally drifted a different way."

He gives Valera a tired, wan smile. "I'd *like* to imagine that Sir Pentious is happily toiling away as the royal inventor, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't think the majority would be happy with that."

Valera

"Mm, I'm being too optimistic. And he would hate it, so maybe it's for the better that he's probably been exterminated." She sighs. "I don't know if we manage to find trouble, Alastor, or trouble manages to find us. Either way, what a pain. Any other questions before we drag ourselves back to the dreadful chore of watching Hamilton get shot on stage over and over?"

Alastor

"Just one." He nods toward the stage. "Do you think it's been long enough since the last time I got in trouble that I can start singing 'he's never gon' be president now' when the bullet connects?"

Valera

Now that is a very serious question that must be considered.... Hrm... "Yes, but barely. I think the director would throw his clipboard at you, but not much beyond that. He's on his sixth coffee of the day, so the odds of dodging are in your favor."

Alastor

"Maybe he'll forgive me out of pity if I let it connect." He stands, picks up his own sandwich—yeah, he's had a sandwich this whole time—and devours it in five huge bites. "Shall we?"

Valera

For some reason, she's tempted to clap at that display. But no time for more banter, it's back to work. "We shall."

Alastor

Back to work. Time to watch Hamilton get shot again.

Valera

~~Boooooo give us a twist ending next time, add some leopards eating people's faces~~

Alastor

~~Hamilton is the leopard and he tries to eat Alastor's face for singing in the middle of his dramatic death~~

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2020

I can’t tell you anything novel or insightful about this year that has been stolen from our lives. I watched zero of these films in a theater, and I watched most of them half-asleep in moments that I stole from my children. Don’t worry, there are some jokes below.

GARBAGE

93. Capone (Josh Trank)- What is the point of this dinner theater trash? It takes place in the last year of Capone's life, when he was released from prison due to failing health and suffered a stroke in his Florida home. So it covers...none of the things that make Al Capone interesting? It's not historically accurate, which I have no problem with, but if you steer away from accuracy, then do something daring and exciting. Don't give me endless scenes of "Phonse"--as if the movie is running from the very person it's about--drawing bags of money that promise intrigue, then deliver nothing in return.

That being said, best "titular character shits himself" scene since The Judge.

92. Ammonite (Francis Lee)- I would say that this is the Antz to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's A Bug's Life, but it's actually more like the Cars 3 to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's Toy Story 1.

91. Ava (Tate Taylor)- Despite the mystery and inscrutability that usually surround assassins, what if we made a hitman movie but cared a lot about her personal life? Except neither the assassin stuff nor the family stuff is interesting?

90. Wonder Woman 1984 (Patty Jenkins)- What a miscalculation of what audiences loved about the first and wanted from the sequel. WW84 is silly and weightless in all of the ways that the first was elegant and confident. If the return of Pine is just a sort of phantom representation of Diana's desires, then why can he fly a real plane? If he is taking over another man's soul, then, uh, what ends up happening to that guy? For that matter, why is it not 1984 enough for Ronald Reagan to be president, but it is 1984 enough for the president to have so many Ronald Reagan signifiers that it's confusing? Why not just make a decision?

On paper, the me-first values of the '80s lend themselves to the monkey's paw wish logic of this plot. You could actually do something with the Star Wars program or the oil crisis. But not if the setting is played for only laughs and the screenplay explains only what it feels like.

89. Babyteeth (Shannon Murphy)- In this type of movie, there has to be a period of the Ben Mendelsohn character looking around befuddled about the new arrangement and going, "What's this now--he's going to be...living with us? The guy who tried to steal our medication? This is crazy!" But that's usually ten minutes, and in this movie it's an hour. I was so worn out by the end.

88. You Should Have Left (David Koepp)- David Koepp wrote Jurassic Park, so he's never going to hell, but how dare he start caring about his own mystery at the hour mark. There's a forty-five minute version of this movie that could get an extra star from me, and there's a three-hour version of Amanda Seyfried walking around in athleisure that would get four stars from me. What we actually get? No thanks.

87. Black Is King (Beyonce, et al.)- End your association with The Lion King, Bey. It has resulted in zero bops.

  ADMIRABLE FAILURES

86. Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (Cathy Yan)- There's nothing too dysfunctional in the storytelling or performances, but Birds of Prey also doesn't do a single thing well. I would prefer something alive and wild, even if it were flawed, to whatever tame belt-level formula this is.

85. The Turning (Floria Sigismondi)- This update of The Turn of the Screw pumps the age of Miles up to high school, which creates some horny creepiness that I liked. But the age of the character also prevents the ending of the novel from happening in favor of a truly terrible shrug. I began to think that all of the patience that the film showed earlier was just hesitance for its own awful ending.

I watched The Turning as a Mackenzie Davis Movie Star heat check, and while I'm not sure she has the magnetism I was looking for, she does have a great teacher voice, chastening but maternal.

84. Bloodshot (David Wilson)- A whole lot of Vin Diesel saying he's going to get revenge and kill a bunch of dudes; not a whole lot of Vin Diesel actually getting revenge and killing a bunch of dudes.

83. Downhill (Nat Faxon and Jim Rash)- I was an English major in college, which means I ended up locking myself into literary theories that, halfway through the writing of an essay, I realized were flawed. But rather than throw out the work that I had already proposed, I would just keep going and see if I could will the idea to success.

So let's say you have a theory that you can take Force Majeure by Ruben Ostlund, one of the best films of its year, and remake it so that its statement about familial anxiety could apply to Americans of the same age and class too...if it hadn't already. And maybe in the first paragraph you mess up by casting Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people we are conditioned to laugh at, when maybe this isn't that kind of comedy at all. Well, don't throw it away. You can quote more--fill up the pages that way--take an exact shot or scene from the original. Does that help? Maybe you can make the writing more vigorous and distinctive by adding a character. Is that going to make this baby stand out? Maybe you could make it more personal by adding a conclusion that is slightly more clever than the rest of the paper?

Or perhaps this is one you're just not going to get an A on.

82. Hillbilly Elegy (Ron Howard)- I watched this melodrama at my mother's encouragement, and, though I have been trying to pin down her taste for decades, I think her idea of a successful film just boils down to "a lot of stuff happens." So in that way, Ron Howard's loss is my gain, I guess.

There is no such thing as a "neutral Terminator."

81. Relic (Natalie Erika James)- The star of the film is Vanessa Cerne's set decoration, but the inert music and slow pace cancel out a house that seems neglected slowly over decades.

80. Buffaloed (Tanya Wexler)- Despite a breathless pace, Buffaloed can't quite congeal. In trying to split the difference between local color hijinks and Moneyballed treatise on debt collection, it doesn't commit enough to either one.

Especially since Zoey Deutch produced this one in addition to starring, I'm getting kind of worried about boo's taste. Lot of Two If by Seas; not enough While You Were Sleepings.

79. Like a Boss (Miguel Arteta)- I chuckled a few times at a game supporting cast that is doing heavy lifting. But Like a Boss is contrived from the premise itself--Yeah, what if people in their thirties fell out of friendship? Do y'all need a creative consultant?--to the escalation of most scenes--Why did they have to hide on the roof? Why do they have to jump into the pool?

The movie is lean, but that brevity hurts just as much as it helps. The screenplay knows which scenes are crucial to the development of the friendship, but all of those feel perfunctory, in a different gear from the setpieces.  

To pile on a bit: Studio comedies are so bare bones now that they look like Lifetime movies. Arteta brought Chuck & Buck to Sundance twenty years ago, and, shot on Mini-DV for $250,000, it was seen as a DIY call-to-bootstraps. I guarantee that has more setups and locations and shooting days than this.

78. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (David Dobkin)- Add Dan Stevens to the list of supporting players who have bodied Will Ferrell in his own movie--one that he cared enough to write himself.  

Like Downhill, Ferrell's other 2020 release, this isn't exactly bad. It's just workmanlike and, aside from the joke about Demi Lovato's "uninformed" ghost, frustratingly conventional.

77. The Traitor (Marco Bellochio)- Played with weary commitment by Pierfrancesco Favino, Tomasso Buscetta is "credited" as the first informant of La Cosa Nostra. And that sounds like an interesting subject for a "based on a true story" crime epic, right? Especially when you find out that Buscetta became a rat out of principle: He believed that the mafia to which he had pledged his life had lost its code to the point that it was a different organization altogether.  

At no point does Buscetta waver or even seem to struggle with his decision though, so what we get is less conflicted than that description might suggest. None of these Italian mob movies glorify the lifestyle, so I wasn't expecting that. But if the crime doesn't seem enticing, and snitching on the crime seems like forlorn duty, and everything is pitched with such underhanded matter-of-factness that you can't even be sure when Buscetta has flipped, then what are we left with? It was interesting seeing how Italian courts work, I guess?

76. Kajillionaire (Miranda July)- This is another movie so intent on building atmosphere and lore that it takes too long to declare what it is. When the protagonist hits a breaking point and has to act, she has only a third of a film to grow. So whispery too.

Gina Rodriguez is the one to inject life into it. As soon as her motormouth winds up, the film slips into a different gear. The atmosphere and lore that I mentioned reeks of artifice, but her character is believably specific. Beneath a basic exterior is someone who is authentically caring but still morally compromised, beholden to the world that the other characters are suspicious of.

75. Scoob! (Tony Cervone)- The first half is sometimes clever, but it hammers home the importance of friendship while separating the friends.

The second half has some positive messaging, but your kids' movie might have a problem with scale if it involves Alexander the Great unlocking the gates of the Underworld.

My daughter loved it.

74. The Lovebirds (Michael Showalter)- If I start talking too much about this perfectly fine movie, I end up in that unfair stance of reviewing the movie I wanted, not what is actually there.* As a fan of hang-out comedies, I kind of resent that any comedy being made now has to be rolled into something more "exciting," whether it's a wrongfully accused or mistaken identity thriller or some other genre. Such is the post-Game Night world. There's a purposefully anti-climactic note that I wish The Lovebirds had ended on, but of course we have another stretch of hiding behind boats and shooting guns. Nanjiani and Rae are really charming leads though.

*- As a New Orleanian, I was totally distracted by the fake aspects of the setting too. "Oh, they walked to Jefferson from downtown? Really?" You probably won't be bothered by the locations.

73. Sonic the Hedgehog (Jeff Fowler)- In some ways the storytelling is ambitious. (I'm speaking for only myself, but I'm fine with "He's a hedgehog, and he's really fast" instead of the owl mother, teleportation backstory. Not everything has to be Tolkien.) But that ambition doesn't match the lack of ambition in the comedy, which depends upon really hackneyed setups and structures. Guiding Jim Carrey to full alrighty-then mode was the best choice anyone made.

72. Malcolm & Marie (Sam Levinson)- The stars move through these long scenes with agility and charisma, but the degree of difficulty is just too high for this movie to reach what it's going for.

Levinson is trying to capture an epic fight between a couple, and he can harness the theatrical intensity of such a thing, but he sacrifices almost all of the nuance. In real life, these knock-down-drag-outs can be circular and indirect and sad in a way that this couple's manipulation rarely is. If that emotional truth is all this movie is trying to achieve, I feel okay about being harsh in my judgment of how well it does that.

71. Beanpole (Kantemir Balagov)- Elusive in how it refuses to declare itself, forthright in how punishing it is. The whole thing might be worth it for a late dinner scene, but I'm getting a bit old to put myself through this kind of misery.

70. The Burnt Orange Heresy (Giuseppe Capotondi)- Silly in good ways until it's silly in bad ways. Elizabeth Debicki remains 6'3".

69. Everybody’s Everything (Sebastian Jones and Ramez Silyan)- As a person who listened to Lil Peep's music, I can confidently say that this documentary is overstating his greatness. His death was a significant loss, as the interview subjects will all acknowledge, but the documentary is more useful as a portrait of a certain unfocused, rapacious segment of a generation that is high and online at all times.

68. The Witches (Robert Zemeckis)- Robert Zemeckis, Kenya Barris, and Guillermo Del Toro are the credited screenwriters, and in a fascinating way, you can see the imprint of each figure on the final product. Adapting a very European story to the old wives' tales of the American South is an interesting choice. Like the Nicolas Roeg try at this material, Zemeckis is not afraid to veer into the terrifying, and Octavia Spencer's pseudo witch doctor character only sells the supernatural. From a storytelling standpoint though, it seems as if the obstacles are overcome too easily, as if there's a whole leg of the film that has been excised. The framing device and the careful myth-making of the flashback make promises that the hotel half of the film, including the abrupt ending, can't live up to.

If nothing else, Anne Hathaway is a real contender for Most On-One Performance of the year.

67. Irresistible (Jon Stewart)- Despite a sort of imaginative ending, Jon Stewart's screenplay feels more like the declarative screenplay that would get you hired for a good movie, not a good screenplay itself. It's provocative enough, but it's clumsy in some basic ways and never evades the easy joke.

For example, the Topher Grace character is introduced as a sort of assistant, then is re-introduced an hour later as a polling expert, then is shown coaching the candidate on presentation a few scenes later. At some point, Stewart combined characters into one role, but nothing got smoothed out.

ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS

66. Yes, God, Yes (Karen Maine)- Most people who are Catholic, including me, are conflicted about it. Most people who make movies about being Catholic hate it and have an axe to grind. This film is capable of such knowing wit and nuance when it comes to the lived-in details of attending a high school retreat, but it's more concerned with taking aim at hypocrisy in the broad way that we've seen a million times. By the end, the film is surprisingly all-or-nothing when Christian teenagers actually contain multitudes.

Part of the problem is that Karen Maine's screenplay doesn't know how naive to make the Alice character. Sometimes she's reasonably naive for a high school senior in 2001; sometimes she's comically naive so that the plot can work; and sometimes she's stupid, which isn't the same as naive.

65. Bad Boys for Life (Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah)- This might be the first buddy cop movie in which the vets make peace with the tech-comm youngs who use new techniques. If that's the only novelty on display here--and it is--then maybe that's enough. I laughed maybe once. Not that the mistaken identity subplot of Bad Boys 1 is genius or anything, but this entry felt like it needed just one more layer to keep it from feeling as basic as it does. Speaking of layers though, it's almost impossible to watch any Will Smith movie now without viewing it through the meta-narrative of "What is Will Smith actually saying about his own status at this point in his career?" He's serving it up to us.

I derived an inordinate amount of pleasure from seeing the old school Simpson/Bruckheimer logo.

64. The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie)- Look, I'm not going to be too negative on a movie whose crime slang is so byzantine that it has to be explained with subtitles. That's just me. I'm a simple man. But I can tell you that I tuned out pretty hard after seven or eight double-crosses.

The bloom is off the rose a bit for Ritchie, but he can still nail a music cue. I've been waiting for someone to hit "That's Entertainment" the way he does on the end credits.

63. Bad Hair (Justin Simien)- In Bad Hair, an African-American woman is told by her boss at a music video channel in 1989 that straightening her hair is the way to get ahead; however, her weave ends up having a murderous mind of its own. Compared to that charged, witty logline, the execution of the plot itself feels like a laborious, foregone conclusion. I'm glad that Simien, a genuinely talented writer, is making movies again though. Drop the skin-care routine, Van Der Beek!

62. Greyhound (Aaron Schneider)- "If this is the type of role that Tom Hanks writes for himself, then he understands his status as America's dad--'wise as the serpent, harmless as the dove'--even better than I thought." "America's Dad! Aye aye, sir!" "At least half of the dialogue is there for texture and authenticity, not there to be understood by the audience." "Fifty percent, Captain!" "The environment looks as fake as possible, but I eventually came around to the idea that the movie is completely devoid of subtext." "No subtext to be found, sir!"

  61. Mank (David Fincher)- About ten years ago, the Creative Screenwriting podcast spent an hour or so with James Vanderbilt, the writer of Zodiac and nothing else that comes close, as he relayed the creative paces that David Fincher pushed him through. Hundreds of drafts and years of collaborative work eventuated in the blueprint for Fincher's most exacting, personal film, which he didn't get a writing credit on only because he didn't seek one.

Something tells me that Fincher didn't ask for rewrites from his dead father. No matter what visuals and performances the director can coax from the script--and, to be clear, these are the worst visuals and performances of his career--they are limited by the muddy lightweight pages. There are plenty of pleasures, like the slippery election night montage or the shakily platonic relationship between Mank and Marion. But Fincher hadn't made a film in six years, and he came back serving someone else's master.

60. Tesla (Michael Almereyda)- "You live inside your head." "Doesn't everybody?"

As usual, Almereyda's deconstructions are invigorating. (No other moment can match the first time Eve Hewson's Anne fact-checks something with her anachronistic laptop.) But they don't add up to anything satisfying because Tesla himself is such an opaque figure. Driven by the whims of his curiosity without a clear finish line, the character gives Hawke something enigmatic to play as he reaches deep into a baritone. But he's too inward to lend himself to drama. Tesla feels of a piece with Almereyda's The Experimenter, and that's the one I would recommend.

59. Vitalina Varela (Pedro Costa)- I can't oversell how delicately beautiful this film is visually. There's a scene in which Vitalina lugs a lantern into a church, but we get several seconds of total darkness before that one light source carves through it and takes over part of the frame. Each composition is as intricate as it is overpowering, achieving a balance between stark and mannered.

That being said, most of the film is people entering or exiting doors. I felt very little of the haunting loss that I think I was supposed to.

58. The Rhythm Section (Reed Morano)- Call it the Timothy Hutton in The General's Daughter Corollary: If a name-actor isn't in the movie much but gets third billing, then, despite whom he sends the protagonist to kill, he is the Actual Bad Guy.  

Even if the movie serves up a lot of cliche, the action and sound design are visceral. I would like to see more from Morano.

57. Red, White and Blue (Steve McQueen)- Well-made and heartfelt even if it goes step-for-step where you think it will.

Here's what I want to know though: In the academy training sequence, the police cadets have to subdue a "berserker"; that is, a wildman who swings at their riot gear with a sledgehammer. Then they get him under control, and he shakes their hands, like, "Good angle you took on me there, mate." Who is that guy and where is his movie? Is this full-time work? Is he a police officer or an independent contractor? What would happen if this exercise didn't go exactly as planned?

56. Wolfwalkers (Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart)- The visuals have an unfinished quality that reminded me of The Tale of Princess Kaguya--the center of a flame is undrawn white, and fog is just negative space. There's an underlying symmetry to the film, and its color palette changes with mood.

Narratively, it's pro forma and drawn-out. Was Riley in Inside Out the last animated protagonist to get two parents? My daughter stuck with it, but she needed a lot of context for the religious atmosphere of 17th century Ireland.

55. What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael (Rob Garver)- The film does little more than one might expect; it's limited in the way that any visual medium is when trying to sum up a woman of letters. But as far as education for Kael's partnership with Warren Beatty or the idea of The New Yorker paying her for only six months out of the year, it was useful for me.  

Although Garver isn't afraid to point to the work that made Kael divisive, it would have been nice to have one or two interview subjects who questioned her greatness, rather than the crew of Paulettes who, even when they do say something like, "Sometimes I radically disagreed with her," do it without being able to point to any specifics.

54. Beastie Boys Story (Spike Jonze)- As far as this Spike Jonze completist is concerned, this is more of a Powerpoint presentation than a movie, Beastie Boys Story still warmed my heart, making me want to fire up Paul's Boutique again and take more pictures of my buddies.

53. Tenet (Christopher Nolan)- Cool and cold, tantalizing and frustrating, loud and indistinct, Tenet comes close to Nolan self-parody, right down to the brutalist architecture and multiple characters styled like him. The setpieces grabbed me, I'll admit.

Nolan's previous film, which is maybe his best, was "about" a lot and just happened to play with time; Tenet is only about playing with time.

PRETTY GOOD MOVIES

52. Shithouse (Cooper Raiff)- "Death is ass."

There's such a thing as too naturalistic. If I wanted to hear how college freshmen really talked, I would hang out with college freshmen. But you have to take the good verisimilitude with the bad, and good verisimilitude is the mother's Pod Save America t-shirt.

There are some poignant moments (and a gonzo performance from Logan Miller) in this auspicious debut from Cooper Raiff, the writer/director/editor/star. But the second party sequence kills some of the momentum, and at a crucial point, the characters spell out some motivation that should have stayed implied.

51. Totally Under Control (Alex Gibney, Ophelia Harutyunyan, Suzanne Hillinger)- As dense and informative as any other Gibney documentary with the added flex of making it during the pandemic it is investigating.

But yeah, why am I watching this right now? I don't need more reasons to be angry with Trump, whom this film calmly eviscerates. The directors analyze Trump's narcissism first through his contradictions of medical expertise in order to protect the economy that could win him re-election. Then it takes aim at his hiring based on loyalty instead of experience. But you already knew that, which is the problem with the film, at least for now.

50. Happiest Season (Clea Duvall)- I was in the perfect mood to watch something this frothy and bouncy. Every secondary character receives a moment in the sun, and Daniel Levy gets a speech that kind of saves the film at a tipping point.

I must say though: I wanted to punch Harper in her stupid face. She is a terrible romantic partner, abandoning or betraying Abby throughout the film and dissembling her entire identity to everyone else in a way that seems absurd for a grown woman in 2020. Run away, Kristen. Perhaps with Aubrey Plaza, whom you have more chemistry with. But there I go shipping and aligning myself with characters, which only proves that this is an effective romantic comedy.

49. The Way Back (Gavin O’Connor)- Patient but misshapen, The Way Back does just enough to overcome the cliches that are sort of unavoidable considering the genre. (I can't get enough of the parent character who, for no good reason, doesn't take his son's success seriously. "Scholarship? What he's gotta do is put his nose in them books! That's why I don't go to his games. [continues moving boxes while not looking at the other character] Now if you'll excuse me while I wait four scenes before showing up at a game to prove that I'm proud of him after all...")

What the movie gets really right or really wrong in the details about coaching and addiction is a total crap-shoot. But maybe I've said too much already.

48. The Whistlers (Corneliu Porumboiu)- Porumboiu is a real artist who seems to be interpreting how much surveillance we're willing to acknowledge and accept, but I won't pretend to have understood much of the plot, the chapters or which are told out of order. Sometimes the structure works--the beguiling, contextless "high-class hooker" sequence--but I often wondered if the film was impenetrable in the way that Porumboiu wanted it to be or impenetrable in the way he didn't.

To tell you the truth, the experience kind of depressed me because I know that, in my younger days, this film is the type of thing that I would re-watch, possibly with the chronology righted, knowing that it is worth understanding fully. But I have two small children, and I'm exhausted all the time, and I kind of thought I should get some credit for still trying to catch up with Romanian crime movies in the first place.

47. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (Jason Woliner)- I laughed too much to get overly critical, but the film is so episodic and contrived that it's kind of exhausting by the end--even though it's achieving most of its goals. Maybe Borat hasn't changed, but the way our citizens own their ugliness has.

46. First Cow (Kelly Reichardt)- Despite how little happens in the first forty minutes, First Cow is a thoughtful capitalism parable. Even though it takes about forty minutes to get going, the friendship between Cookie and King-Lu is natural and incisive. Like Reichardt's other work, the film's modest premise unfolds quite gracefully, except for in the first forty minutes, which are uneventful.

45. Les Miserables (Ladj Ly)- I loved parts of the film--the disorienting, claustrophobic opening or the quick look at the police officers' home lives, for example. But I'm not sure that it does anything very well. The needle the film tries to thread between realism and theater didn't gel for me. The ending, which is ambiguous in all of the wrong ways, chooses the theatrical. (If I'm being honest, my expectations were built up by Les Miserables' Jury Prize at Cannes, and it's a bit superficial to be in that company.)

If nothing else, it's always helpful to see how another country's worst case scenario in law enforcement would look pretty good over here.

44. Bad Education (Cory Finley)- The film feels too locked-down and small at the beginning, so intent on developing the protagonist neutrally that even the audience isn't aware of his secrets. So when he faces consequences for those secrets, there's a disconnect. Part of tragedy is seeing the doom coming, right?

When it opens up, however, it's empathetic and subtle, full of a dry irony that Finley is already specializing in after only one other feature. Geraldine Viswanathan and Allison Janney get across a lot of interiority that is not on the page.

43. The Trip to Greece (Michael Winterbottom)- By the fourth installment, you know whether you're on board with the franchise. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" to Coogan and Brydon's bickering and impressions as they're served exotic food in picturesque settings, then this one won't sway you. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" about life, like they are, then I don't need to convince you.  

I will say that The Trip to Spain seemed like an enervated inflection point, at which the squad could have packed it in. The Trip to Greece proves that they probably need to keep doing this until one of them dies, which has been the subtext all along.

42. Feels Good Man (Arthur Jones)- This documentary centers on innocent artist Matt Furie's helplessness as his Pepe the Frog character gets hijacked by the alt-right. It gets the hard things right. It's able to, quite comprehensively, trace a connection from 4Chan's use of Pepe the Frog to Donald Trump's near-assuming of Pepe's ironic deniability. Director Arthur Jones seems to understand the machinations of the alt-right, and he articulates them chillingly.

The easy thing, making us connect to Furie, is less successful. The film spends way too much time setting up his story, and it makes him look naive as it pits him against Alex Jones in the final third. Still, the film is a quick ninety-two minutes, and the highs are pretty high.

41. The Old Guard (Gina Prince-Bythewood)- Some of the world-building and backstory are handled quite elegantly. The relationships actually do feel centuries old through specific details, and the immortal conceit comes together for an innovative final action sequence.

Visually and musically though, the film feels flat in a way that Prince-Bythewood's other films do not. I blame Netflix specs. KiKi Layne, who tanked If Beale Street Could Talk for me, nearly ruins this too with the child-actory way that she stresses one word per line. Especially in relief with one of our more effortless actresses, Layne is distracting.

40. The Trial of the Chicago 7 (Aaron Sorkin)- Whenever Sacha Baron Cohen's Abbie Hoffman opens his mouth, the other defendants brace themselves for his dismissive vulgarity. Even when it's going to hurt him, he can't help but shoot off at the mouth. Of course, he reveals his passionate and intelligent depths as the trial goes on. The character is the one that Sorkin's screenplay seems the most endeared to: In the same way that Hoffman can't help but be Hoffman, Sorkin can't help but be Sorkin. Maybe we don't need a speech there; maybe we don't have to stretch past two hours; maybe a bon mot diffuses the tension. But we know exactly what to expect by now. The film is relevant, astute, witty, benevolent, and, of course, in love with itself. There are a handful of scenes here that are perfect, so I feel bad for qualifying so much.

A smaller point: Daniel Pemberton has done great work in the past (Motherless Brooklyn, King Arthur, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.), but the first sequence is especially marred by his sterile soft-rock approach.

  GOOD MOVIES

39. Time (Garrett Bradley)- The key to Time is that it provides very little context. Why the patriarch of this family is serving sixty years in prison is sort of besides the point philosophically. His wife and sons have to move on without him, and the tragedy baked into that fact eclipses any notion of what he "deserved." Feeling the weight of time as we switch back and forth between a kid talking about his first day of kindergarten and that same kid graduating from dentistry school is all the context we need. Time's presentation can be quite sumptuous: The drone shot of Angola makes its buildings look like crosses. Or is it X's?

At the same time, I need some context. When director Garrett Bradley withholds the reason Robert's in prison, and when she really withholds that Fox took a plea and served twelve years, you start to see the strings a bit. You could argue that knowing so little about why, all of a sudden, Robert can be on parole puts you into the same confused shoes as the family, but it feels manipulative to me. The film is preaching to the choir as far as criminal justice goes, which is fine, but I want it to have the confidence to tell its story above board.

38. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets (Turner Ross and Bill Ross IV)- I have a barfly friend whom I see maybe once a year. When we first set up a time to meet, I kind of dread it and wonder what we'll have to talk about. Once we do get together, we trip on each other's words a bit, fumbling around with the rhythm of conversation that we mastered decades ago. He makes some kind of joke that could have been appropriate then but isn't now.

By the end of the day, hours later, we're hugging and maybe crying as we promise each other that we won't wait as long next time.

That's the exact same journey that I went on with this film.

37. Underwater (William Eubank)- Underwater is a story that you've seen before, but it's told with great confidence and economy. I looked up at twelve minutes and couldn't believe the whole table had been set. Kristen plays Ripley and projects a smart, benevolent poise.

36. The Lodge (Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala)- I prefer the grounded, manicured first half to the more fantastic second half. The craziness of the latter is only possible through the hard work of the former though. As with Fiala and Franz's previous feature, the visual rhymes and motifs get incorporated into the soup so carefully that you don't realize it until they overwhelm you in their bleak glory.

Small note: Alicia Silverstone, the male lead's first wife, and Riley Keough, his new partner, look sort of similar. I always think that's a nice note: "I could see how he would go for her."

35. Miss Americana (Lana Wilson)- I liked it when I saw it as a portrait of a person whose life is largely decided for her but is trying to carve out personal spaces within that hamster wheel. I loved it when I realized that describes most successful people in their twenties.

34. Sound of Metal (Darius Marder)- Riz Ahmed is showing up on all of the best performances of the year lists, but Sound of Metal isn't in anyone's top ten films of the year. That's about right. Ahmed's is a quiet, stubborn performance that I wish was in service of more than the straight line that we've seen before.

In two big scenes, there's this trick that Ahmed does, a piecing together of consequences with his eyes, as if he's moving through a flow chart in real time. In both cases, the character seems locked out and a little slower than he should be, which is, of course, why he's facing the consequences in the first place. To be charitable to a film that was a bit of a grind, it did make me notice a thing a guy did with his eyes.

33. Pieces of a Woman (Kornel Mundruczo)- Usually when I leave acting showcases like this, I imagine the film without the Oscar-baiting speeches, but this is a movie that specializes in speeches. Pieces of a Woman is being judged, deservedly so, by the harrowing twenty-minute take that opens the film, which is as indulgent as it is necessary. But if the unbroken take provides the "what," then the speeches provide the "why."

This is a film about reclaiming one's body when it rebels against you and when other people seek ownership of it. Without the Ellen Burstyn "lift your head" speech or the Vanessa Kirby show-stopper in the courtroom, I'm not sure any of that comes across.

I do think the film lets us off the hook a bit with the LaBoeuf character, in the sense that it gives us reasons to dislike him when it would be more compelling if he had done nothing wrong. Does his half-remembering of the White Stripes count as a speech?

32. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (George C. Wolfe)- This is such a play, not only in the locked-down location but also through nearly every storytelling convention: "Where are the two most interesting characters? Oh, running late? They'll enter separately in animated fashion?" But, to use the type of phrase that the characters might, "Don't hate the player; hate the game."

Perhaps the most theatrical note in this treatise on the commodification of expression is the way that, two or three times, the proceedings stop in their tracks for the piece to declare loudly what it's about. In one of those clear-outs, Boseman, who looks distractingly sick, delivers an unforgettable monologue that transports the audience into his character's fragile, haunted mind. He and Viola Davis are so good that the film sort of buckles under their weight, unsure of how to transition out of those spotlight moments and pretend that the story can start back up. Whatever they're doing is more interesting than what's being achieved overall.

31. Another Round (Thomas Vinterberg)- It's definitely the film that Vinterberg wanted to make, but despite what I think is a quietly shattering performance from Mikkelsen, Another Round moves in a bit too much of a straight line to grab me fully. The joyous final minutes hint at where it could have gone, as do pockets of Vinterberg's filmography, which seems newly tethered to realism in a way that I don't like. The best sequences are the wildest ones, like the uproarious trip to the grocery store for fresh cod, so I don't know why so much of it takes place in tiny hallways at magic hour. I give the inevitable American remake* permission to use these notes.

*- Just spitballing here. Martin: Will Ferrell, Nikolaj (Nick): Ben Stiller, Tommy: Owen Wilson, Peter: Craig Robinson

30. The Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell)- Exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I needed.

I think a less conclusive finale would have been better, but what a model of high-concept escalation. This is the movie people convinced me Whannell's Upgrade was.

29. On the Rocks (Sofia Coppola)- Slight until the Mexican sojourn, which expands the scope and makes the film even more psychosexual than before. At times it feels as if Coppola is actively simplifying, rather than diving into the race and privilege questions that the Murray character all but demands.

As for Murray, is the film 50% worse without him? 70%? I don't know if you can run in supporting categories if you're the whole reason the film exists.

28. Mangrove (Steve McQueen)- The first part of the film seemed repetitive and broad to me. But once it settled in as a courtroom drama, the characterization became more shaded, and the filmmaking itself seemed more fluid. I ended up being quite outraged and inspired.

27. Shirley (Josephine Decker)- Josephine Decker emerges as a real stylist here, changing her foggy, impressionistic approach not one bit with a little more budget. Period piece and established actors be damned--this is still as much of a reeling fever dream as Madeline's Madeline. Both pieces are a bit too repetitive and nasty for my taste, but I respect the technique.

Here's my mandatory "Elisabeth Moss is the best" paragraph. While watching her performance as Shirley Jackson, I thought about her most famous role as Peggy on Mad Men, whose inertia and need to prove herself tied her into confidence knots. Shirley is almost the opposite: paralyzed by her worldview, certain of her talent, rejecting any empathy. If Moss can inhabit both characters so convincingly, she can do anything.

26. An American Pickle (Brandon Trost)- An American Pickle is the rare comedy that could actually use five or ten extra minutes, but it's a surprisingly heartfelt and wholesome stretch for Rogen, who is earnest in the lead roles.

25. The King of Staten Island (Judd Apatow)- At two hours and fifteen minutes, The King of Staten Island is probably the first Judd Apatow film that feels like the exact right length. For example, the baggy date scene between a gracious Bill Burr and a faux-dowdy Marisa Tomei is essential, the sort of widening of perspective that something like Trainwreck was missing.

It's Pete Davidson's movie, however, and though he has never been my cup of tea, I think he's actually quite powerful in his quiet moments. The movie probes some rare territory--a mentally ill man's suspicion that he is unlovable, a family's strategic myth-making out of respect for the dead. And when Davidson shows up at the firehouse an hour and fifteen minutes in, it feels as if we've built to a last resort.

24. Swallow (Carlo Mirabella-Davis)- The tricky part of this film is communicating Hunter's despair, letting her isolation mount, but still keeping her opaque. It takes a lot of visual discipline to do that, and Claudio Mirabella-Davis is up to the task. This ends up being a much more sympathetic, expressive movie than the plot description might suggest.

(In the tie dispute, Hunter and Richie are both wrong. That type of silk--I couldn't tell how pebbled it was, but it's probably a barathea weave-- shouldn't be ironed directly, but it doesn't have to be steamed. On a low setting, you could iron the back of the tie and be fine.)

23. The Vast of Night (Andrew Patterson)- I wanted a bit more "there" there; The film goes exactly where I thought it would, and there isn't enough humor for my taste. (The predictability might be a feature, not a bug, since the film is positioned as an episode of a well-worn Twilight Zone-esque show.)

But from a directorial standpoint, this is quite a promising debut. Patterson knows when to lock down or use silence--he even cuts to black to force us to listen more closely to a monologue. But he also knows when to fill the silence. There's a minute or so when Everett is spooling tape, and he and Fay make small talk about their hopes for the future, developing the characters' personalities in what could have been just mechanics. It's also a refreshingly earnest film. No one is winking at the '50s setting.

I'm tempted to write, "If Andrew Patterson can make this with $1 million, just imagine what he can do with $30 million." But maybe people like Shane Carruth have taught us that Patterson is better off pinching pennies in Texas and following his own muse.

22. Martin Eden (Pietro Marcello)- At first this film, adapted from a picaresque novel by Jack London, seemed as if it was hitting the marks of the genre. "He's going from job to job and meeting dudes who are shaping his worldview now." But the film, shot in lustrous Super 16, won me over as it owned the trappings of this type of story, forming a character who is a product of his environment even as he transcends it. By the end, I really felt the weight of time.

You want to talk about something that works better in novels than films though? When a passionate, independent protagonist insists that a woman is the love of his life, despite the fact that she's whatever Italians call a wet blanket. She's rich, but Martin doesn't care about her money. He hates her family and friends, and she refuses to accept him or his life pursuits. She's pretty but not even as pretty as the waitress they discuss. Tell me what I'm missing here. There's archetype, and there's incoherence.

21. Bacurau (Kleber Mendonca Filho and Juliano Dornelles)- Certain images from this adventurous film will stick with me, but I got worn out after the hard reset halfway through. As entranced as I was by the mystery of the first half, I think this blood-soaked ensemble is better at asking questions than it is at answering them.

20. Let Them All Talk (Steven Soderbergh)- The initial appeal of this movie might be "Look at these wonderful actresses in their seventies getting a movie all to themselves." And the film is an interesting portrait of ladies taking stock of relationships that have spanned decades. But Soderbergh and Eisenberg handle the twentysomething Lucas Hedges character with the same openness and empathy. His early reasoning for going on the trip is that he wants to learn from older women, and Hedges nails the puppy-dog quality of a young man who would believe that. Especially in the scenes of aspirational romance, he's sweet and earnest as he brushes his hair out of his face.

Streep plays Alice Hughes, a serious author of literary fiction, and she crosses paths with Kelvin Kranz, a grinder of airport thrillers. In all of the right ways, Let Them All Talk toes the line between those two stances as an entertaining, jaunty experiment that also shoulders subtextual weight. If nothing else, it's easy to see why a cruise ship's counterfeit opulence, its straight lines at a lean, would be visually engaging to Soderbergh. You can't have a return to form if your form is constantly evolving.

19. Dick Johnson Is Dead (Kirsten Johnson)- Understandably, I don't find the subject as interesting as his own daughter does, and large swaths of this film are unsure of what they're trying to say. But that's sort of the point, and the active wrestling that the film engages in with death ultimately pays off in a transcendent moment. The jaw-dropping ending is something that only non-fiction film can achieve, and Johnson's whole career is about the search for that sort of serendipity.

18. Da 5 Bloods (Spike Lee)- Delroy Lindo is a live-wire, but his character is the only one of the principals who is examined with the psychological depth I was hoping for. The first half, with all of its present-tense flourishes, promises more than the gunfights of the second half can deliver. When the film is cooking though, it's chock full of surprises, provocations, and pride.

17. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (Eliza Hittmann)- Very quickly, Eliza Hittmann has established herself as an astute, empathetic director with an eye for discovering new talent. I hope that she gets to make fifty more movies in which she objectively follows laconic young people. But I wanted to like this one more than I did. The approach is so neutral that it's almost flat to me, lacking the arc and catharsis of her previous film, Beach Rats. I still appreciate her restraint though.

GREAT MOVIES

16. Young Ahmed (Jean-Pierre Dardenne and Luc Dardenne)- I don't think the Dardennes have made a bad movie yet, and I'm glad they turned away from the slight genre dipping of The Unknown Girl, the closest to bad that they got. Young Ahmed is a lean, daring return to form.

Instead of following an average person, as they normally do, the Dardenne Brothers follow an extremist, and the objectivity that usually generates pathos now serves to present ambiguity. Ahmed says that he is changing, that he regrets his actions, but we never know how much of his stance is a put-on. I found myself wanting him to reform, more involved than I usually am in these slices of life. Part of it is that Idir Ben Addi looks like such a normal, young kid, and the Ahmed character has most of the qualities that we say we want in young people: principles, commitment, self-worth, reflection. So it's that much more destructive when those qualities are used against him and against his fellow man.

15. World of Tomorrow Episode Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime (Don Hertzfeldt)- My dad, a man whom I love but will never understand, has dismissed modern music before by claiming that there are only so many combinations of chords. To him, it's almost impossible to do something new. Of course, this is the type of thing that an uncreative person would say--a person not only incapable of hearing the chords that combine notes but also unwilling to hear the space between the notes. (And obviously, that's the take of a person who doesn't understand that, originality be damned, some people just have to create.)

  Anyway, that attitude creeps into my own thinking more than I would like, but then I watch something as wholly original as World of Tomorrow Episode Three. The series has always been a way to pile sci-fi ideas on top of each other to prove the essential truths of being and loving. And this one, even though it achieves less of a sense of yearning than its predecessor, offers even more devices to chew on. Take, for example, the idea that Emily sends her message from the future, so David's primitive technology can barely handle it. In order to move forward with its sophistication, he has to delete any extraneous skills for the sake of computer memory. So out of trust for this person who loves him, he has to weigh whether his own breathing or walking can be uninstalled as a sacrifice for her. I thought that we might have been done describing love, but there it is, a new metaphor. Mixing futurism with stick figures to get at the most pure drive possible gave us something new. It's called art, Dad.

14. On the Record (Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering)- We don't call subjects of documentaries "stars" for obvious reasons, but Drew Dixon kind of is one. Her honesty and wisdom tell a complete story of the #MeToo movement. Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering take their time developing her background at first, not because we need to "gain sympathy" or "establish credibility" for a victim of sexual abuse, but because showing her talent and enthusiasm for hip-hop A&R makes it that much more tragic when her passion is extinguished. Hell, I just like the woman, so spending a half-hour on her rise was pleasurable in and of itself.

  This is a gut-wrenching, fearless entry in what is becoming Dick and Ziering's raison d'etre, but its greatest quality is Dixon's composed reflection. She helped to establish a pattern of Russell Simmons's behavior, but she explains what happened to her in ways I had never heard before.

13. David Byrne’s American Utopia (Spike Lee)- I'm often impressed by the achievements that puzzle me: How did they pull that off? But I know exactly how David Byrne pulled off the impish but direct precision of American Utopia: a lot of hard work.

I can't blame Spike Lee for stealing a page from Demme's Stop Making Sense: He denies us a close-up of any audience members until two-thirds of the way through, when we get someone in absolute rapture.

12. One Night in Miami... (Regina King)- We've all cringed when a person of color is put into the position of speaking on behalf of his or her entire race. But the characters in One Night in Miami... live in that condition all the time and are constantly negotiating it. As Black public figures in 1964, they know that the consequences of their actions are different, bigger, than everyone else's. The charged conversations between Malcolm X and Sam Cooke are not about whether they can live normal lives. They're way past that. The stakes are closer to Sam Cooke arguing that his life's purpose aligns with the protection and elevation of African-Americans while Malcolm X argues that those pursuits should be the same thing. Late in the movie, Cassius Clay leaves the other men, a private conversation, to talk to reporters, a public conversation. But the film argues that everything these men do is always already public. They're the most powerful African-Americans in the country, but their lives are not their own. Or not only their own.

It's true that the first act has the clunkiness and artifice of a TV movie, but once the film settles into the motel room location and lets the characters feed off one another, it's gripping. It's kind of unfair for a movie to get this many scenes of Leslie Odom Jr. singing, but I'll take it.

11. Saint Frances (Alex Thompson)- Rilke wrote, "Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." The characters' behavior in Saint Frances--all of these fully formed characters' behavior--made me think of that quotation. When they lash out at one another, even at their nastiest, the viewer has a window into how they're expressing pain they can't verbalize. The film is uneven in its subtlety, but it's a real showcase for screenwriter and star Kelly O'Sullivan, who is unflinching and dynamic in one of the best performances of the year. Somebody give her some of the attention we gave to Zach Braff for God's sake.

10. Boys State (Jesse Moss and Amanda McBaine)- This documentary is kind of a miracle from a logistical standpoint. From casting interviews beforehand, lots of editing afterwards, or sly note-taking once the conference began, McBaine and Moss happened to select the four principals who mattered the most at the convention, then found them in rooms full of dudes wearing the same tucked-in t-shirt. By the way, all of the action took place over the course of one week, and by definition, the important events are carved in half.

To call Boys State a microcosm of American politics is incorrect. These guys are forming platforms and voting in elections. What they're doing is American politics, so when they make the same compromises and mistakes that active politicians do, it produces dread and disappointment. So many of the boys are mimicking the political theater that they see on TV, and that sweaty sort of performance is going to make a Billy Mitchell out of this kid Ben Feinstein, and we'll be forced to reckon with how much we allow him to evolve as a person. This film is so precise, but what it proves is undeniably messy. Luckily, some of these seventeen-year-olds usher in hope for us all.

If nothing else, the film reveals the level to which we're all speaking in code.

9. The Nest (Sean Durkin)- In the first ten minutes or so of The Nest, the only real happy minutes, father and son are playing soccer in their quaint backyard, and the father cheats to score on a children's net before sliding on the grass to rub in his victory. An hour later, the son kicks the ball around by himself near a regulation goal on the family's massive property. The contrast is stark and obvious, as is the symbolism of the dead horse, but that doesn't mean it's not visually powerful or resonant.

Like Sean Durkin's earlier film, Martha Marcy May Marlene, the whole of The Nest is told with detail of novelistic scope and an elevation of the moment. A snippet of radio that mentions Ronald Reagan sets the time period, rather than a dateline. One kid saying "Thanks, Dad" and another kid saying, "Thanks, Rory" establishes a stepchild more elegantly than any other exposition might.

But this is also a movie that does not hide what it means. Characters usually say exactly what is on their minds, and motivations are always clear. For example, Allison smokes like a chimney, so her daughter's way of acting out is leaving butts on the window sill for her mother to find. (And mother and daughter both definitely "act out" their feelings.) On the other hand, Ben, Rory's biological son, is the character least like him, so these relationships aren't too directly parallel. Regardless, Durkin uses these trajectories to cast a pall of familial doom.

8. Sorry We Missed You (Sean Durkin)- Another precisely calibrated empathy machine from Ken Loach. The overwhelmed matriarch, Abby, is a caretaker, and she has to break up a Saturday dinner to rescue one of her clients, who wet herself because no one came to help her to the bathroom. The lady is embarrassed, and Abby calms her down by saying, "You mean more to me than you know." We know enough about Abby's circumstances to realize that it's sort of a lie, but it's a beautiful lie, told by a person who cares deeply but is not cared for.

Loach's central point is that the health of a family, something we think of as immutable and timeless, is directly dependent upon the modern industry that we use to destroy ourselves. He doesn't have to be "proven" relevant, and he didn't plan for Covid-19 to point to the fragility of the gig economy, but when you're right, you're right.

7. Lovers Rock (Steve McQueen)- swear to you I thought: "This is an impeccable depiction of a great house party. The only thing it's missing is the volatile dude who scares away all the girls." And then the volatile dude who scares away all the girls shows up.

In a year short on magic, there are two or three transcendent moments, but none of them can equal the whole crowd singing along to "Silly Games" way after the song has ended. Nothing else crystallizes the film's note of celebration: of music, of community, of safe spaces, of Black skin. I remember moments like that at house parties, and like all celebrations, they eventually make me sad.

6. Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution (Nicole Newnham and James Lebrecht)- I held off on this movie because I thought that I knew what it was. The setup was what I expected: A summer camp for the disabled in the late '60s takes on the spirit of the time and becomes a haven for people who have not felt agency, self-worth, or community anywhere else. But that's the right-place-right-time start of a story that takes these figures into the '80s as they fight for their rights.

If you're anything like my dumb ass, you know about 504 accommodations from the line on a college syllabus that promises equal treatment. If 2020 has taught us anything though, it's that rights are seized, not given, and this is the inspiring story of people who unified to demand what they deserved. Judy Heumann is a civil rights giant, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't know who she was before this film. If it were just a history lesson that wasn't taught in school, Crip Camp would still be valuable, but it's way more than that.

5. Palm Springs (Max Barbakow)- When explaining what is happening to them, Andy Samberg's Nyles twirls his hand at Cristin Milioti's Sara and says, "It's one of those infinite time-loop scenarios." Yeah, one of those. Armed with only a handful of fictional examples, she and the audience know exactly what he means, and the continually inventive screenplay by Andy Siara doesn't have to do any more explaining. In record time, the film accelerates into its premise, involves her, and sets up the conflict while avoiding the claustrophobia of even Groundhog Day. That economy is the strength that allows it to be as funny as it is. By being thrifty with the setup, the savings can go to, say, the couple crashing a plane into a fiery heap with no consequences.

In some accidental ways, this is, of course, a quarantine romance as well. Nyles and Sara frustratingly navigate the tedious wedding as if they are play-acting--which they sort of are--then they push through that sameness to grow for each other, realizing that dependency is not weakness. The best relationships are doing the same thing right now.

  Although pointedly superficial--part of the point of why the couple is such a match--and secular--I think the notion of an afterlife would come up at least once--Palm Springs earns the sincerity that it gets around to. And for a movie ironic enough to have a character beg to be impaled so that he doesn't have to sit in traffic, that's no small feat.

  4. The Assistant (Kitty Green)- A wonder of Bressonian objectivity and rich observation, The Assistant is the rare film that deals exclusively with emotional depth while not once explaining any emotions. One at a time, the scrape of the Kleenex box might not be so grating, the long hallway trek to the delivery guy might not be so tiring, but this movie gets at the details of how a job can destroy you in ways that add up until you can't even explain them.

3. Promising Young Woman (Emerald Fennell)- In her most incendiary and modern role, Carey Mulligan plays Cassie, which is short for Cassandra, that figure doomed to tell truths that no one else believes. The web-belted boogeyman who ruined her life is Al, short for Alexander, another Greek who is known for his conquests. The revenge story being told here--funny in its darkest moments, dark in its funniest moments--is tight on its surface levels, but it feels as if it's telling a story more archetypal and expansive than that too.

  An exciting feature debut for its writer-director Emerald Fennell, the film goes wherever it dares. Its hero has a clear purpose, and it's not surprising that the script is willing to extinguish her anger halfway through. What is surprising is the way it renews and muddies her purpose as she comes into contact with half-a-dozen brilliant one- or two-scene performances. (Do you think Alfred Molina can pull off a lawyer who hates himself so much that he can't sleep? You would be right.)

Promising Young Woman delivers as an interrogation of double standards and rape culture, but in quiet ways it's also about our outsized trust in professionals and the notion that some trauma cannot be overcome.

INSTANT CLASSICS

2. Soul (Pete Docter)- When Pete Docter's Up came out, it represented a sort of coronation for Pixar: This was the one that adults could like unabashedly. The one with wordless sequences and dead children and Ed Asner in the lead. But watching it again this week with my daughter, I was surprised by how high-concept and cloying it could be. We choose not to remember the middle part with the goofy dog stuff.

Soul is what Up was supposed to be: honest, mature, stirring. And I don't mean to imply that a family film shouldn't make any concessions to children. But Soul, down to the title, never compromises its own ambition. Besides Coco, it's probably the most credible character study that Pixar has ever made, with all of Joe's growth earned the hard way. Besides Inside Out, it's probably the wittiest comedy that Pixar has ever made, bursting with unforced energy.

There's a twitter fascination going around about Dez, the pigeon-figured barber character whose scene has people gushing, "Crush my windpipe, king" or whatever. Maybe that's what twitter does now, but no one fantasized about any characters in Up. And I count that as progress.

1. I’m Thinking of Ending Things (Charlie Kaufman)- After hearing that our name-shifting protagonist moonlights as an artist, a no-nonsense David Thewlis offers, "I hope you're not an abstract artist." He prefers "paintings that look like photographs" over non-representational mumbo-jumbo. And as Jessie Buckley squirms to try to think of a polite way to talk back, you can tell that Charlie Kaufman has been in the crosshairs of this same conversation. This morose, scary, inscrutable, expressionist rumination is not what the Netflix description says it is at all, and it's going to bother nice people looking for a fun night in. Thank God.

The story goes that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, when constructing Raiders of the Lost Ark, sought to craft a movie that was "only the good parts" with little of the clunky setup that distracted from action. What we have here is a Charlie Kaufman movie with only the Charlie Kaufman moments, less interested than ever before at holding one's hand. The biting humor is here, sometimes aimed at philistines like the David Thewlis character above, sometimes at the niceties that we insist upon. The lonely horror of everyday life is here, in the form of missed calls from oneself or the interruption of an inner monologue. Of course, communicating the overwhelming crush of time, both unknowable and familiar, is the raison d'etre.

A new pet motif seems to be the way that we don't even own our own knowledge. The Young Woman recites "Bonedog" by Eva H.D., which she claims/thinks she wrote, only to find Jake's book open to that page, next to a Pauline Kael book that contains a Woman Under the Influence review that she seems to have internalized later. When Jake muses about Wordsworth's "Lucy Poems," it starts as a way to pass the time, then it becomes a way to lord his education over her, then it becomes a compliment because the subject resembles her, then it becomes a way to let her know that, in the grand scheme of things, she isn't that special at all. This film jerks the viewer through a similar wintry cycle and leaves him with his own thoughts. It's not a pretty picture, but it doesn't look like anything else.