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overthinkingtwentyonepilots · 6 months ago

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Fall Away

Twenty One Pilots - Self titled (2008)

Image taken from Pinterest here: https://pin.it/3VJWhn7sJ

This song, the second of the album and their second ever, is the first in a couple of pleads to not lose the battle against yourself - and to be helped in said battle.

"I don't wanna fall, fall away

I don't wanna fall, fall away

I'll keep the lights on in this place

'Cause I don't wanna fall, fall away

La, da, da, da, da

(I don't wanna fall, fall away)

La, da, da, da, da

(I don't, I don't wanna fall away)

La, da, da, da, da

(I'll keep the lights on in this place)

('Cause I don't wanna fall, fall away)"

The themes of literal lights and literal darkness, sleep and bedrooms are recurring whenever Tyler describes the physicality of the mental struggle. To keep the lights of a room on is to be aware, to be protected, to be able to fight the inner demons that hide in the dark. To be awake is to conscious, and being conscious is to have the ability to rationalize and control, to the best of your abilities, you trauma, your fears, your addictions and you bad behaviour.

Completely losing that control is to fall away, to sink in the trappings of your mind. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety and social phobia, I understand this better than I can put into words. Loosing control of your thoughts quickly leads to overthinking, and overthinking specifically the details of your traumas, your bad behaviours, your failures. Weeks of therapy can melt away with one simples thought that refuses to leave your mind.

And you're the most vulnerable when you're falling asleep and in your dreams

"I disguise

And I will lie

And I will take my precious time

As the days melt away

As I stand in line

And I die as I wait, as I wait on my crime

And I'll try to delay what you make of my life

But I don't want your way, I want mine

I'm dying and trying

But believe me, I'm fine

But I'm lying, I'm so very far from fine"

At first, the two first verses of this section are relatable on itself. Isn't it amazing how Tyler can express so much of our mental struggles with just one line? How many of us disguise a whole array of different struggles? Be it depression, anxiety, autism, a phobia, addiction or trauma, disguising it and lying about it to everyone around us is the universal survival response mechanism. But these are just a part of a whole that Tyler is telling us.

In full, Tyler is rebelling against the mandates of some figure of authority in his life. Be it his parents, be it a teacher, be it his friends, be it the bishops and Nico, the who doesn't really matter here, what's matter is that Tyler knows exactly what he wants for himself, even if it's best described as NOT what THEY want for him.

But outright rebellion doesn't seem feasible yet, so a quiet complacency is chosen. So Tyler takes his time in fulfilling whatever it is this figure wants from him, and he lies about his discontent.

And isn't this ANOTHER universal experience for teenagers and young adults? From his specific experience, that he never actually reveals in his songs, Tyler manages to touch all of ours. And he does it in a way that is universal, but not generic, because it comes from a true place, not a attempt at a catch-all.

"And I, I can feel the pull begin

Feel my conscience wearing thin

And my skin, it will start

To break up and fall apart"

Living a lie is never easy. You can be successful in it, but it's never easy. It eats you away from the inside, and pressures you from outside, and sooner or later something is got to give. But the pressure to be your true self is always stronger. And in the case of those of us who struggle with mental health, the feeling is described precisely by these verses.

Think of your example. In my case, my mother was always supportive of me, so she wasn't the figure who had plans for me that I didn't want to follow. That was life itself, capitalism itself. I worked many jobs that made me feel exactly like this: pulled from all sides, mind wearing thin, my very flesh cracking open on an explosion of anxiety, fear and rage.

The next section is complex.

"Every time I feel selfish ambition

Is taking my vision

And my crime is my sentence

Repentance is taking commision

It's taking a toll on my soul

I'm screaming submission and

I don't know if I am dying or living"

Let's divide it here. What is Tyler talking about? Throughout Twenty One Pilots body of work, Tyler makes multiple references to crimes he supposedly committed. Well, Tyler was at this point a Christian bucket of anxiety and musical talent. I highly doubt Tyler has killed or assaulted someone (as some lyrics state), and this is simply a metaphor, analogy, a classic case of lyric self. The most common meaning for "crimes" in this case is that of hurting someone emotionally, maybe mentally, in a context that, for those looking outside-in, may even seem rather tame or unserious.

Here, the hint is that Tyler sees selfishness as a crime or sin, and maybe even his definition of selfishness is warped into something more grave than it actually is. The weight of it is for Tyler and anyone involved to decide - and it may all be fictional. Musicians are allowed to do that, you know. Make up situations and emotions.

Either way, be it a true experience of Tyler or just a way to relay the emotion to us, what he is saying is that he regrets a selfish behavior so much, that regret has become repentance, in a very christian way, and that this constant repentance, this overbearing guilt is taking such a tool on his soul, that it doesn't feel like living. It's a living death that keeps repeating itself.

Have you ever felt such a guilty? I have. I still feel a deep shame and guilty for emotionally hurting people from middle school, let alone the people in serious relationships I had as an teenager and young adult.

Feeling guilty, tho, doesn't do anything. I've been forgiven by the people I hurt in middle school but I'm still feeling like shit because of it. And it's all about getting addicted to feeling bad about and against yourself. The act of repenting itself is much like that: you're shaming yourself, you're whipping yourself and begging the lord for forgiveness over stuff that is small. Anything more serious and you're either getting excommunicated from the church or arrested. Repenting is for bad thoughts, crisis of faith, unchristian acts. So it's a useless self inflicted mental torture meant to keep you in line, keep you obedient to the church.

And in the case of feeling eternally guilty, it's meant to chain yourself to your own destructive behavior.

"'Cause I will save face for name's sake

Abuse grace, take aim to obtain a new name

And a newer place

But my name is lame

I can't walk and I ain't the same

And my name became

A new destiny to the grave"

I have to be honest here, I don't understand what this part is about entirely. At face value, it's about maintaining a reputation. It goes back around to the feeling of having to abide by a figure of authority's plan for you, cause there's no other choice. And you chose to follow that plan to maintain said reputation. And that, to find freedom, building a new reputation is necessary.

But that doesn't seem right, does it? It's not the full picture. And its at these moments that not having been raised in the faith makes me unable to relate to Tyler at this specific point - Christianity.

I'm not a christian. Neither was my mom, even if she did believe in God. I do believe in a higher power, but I don't follow Christianity. So I can only assume there's context here I just cannot comprehend, and that's okay.

What do you think of it?

#twenty øne piløts #tyler joseph #twenty one pilots #overthinking tøp #tøp #clancy #fall away #I love this song #I feel it entirely #except for the christian part but oh well

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mindlessshirleyindulgence · 5 months ago

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rank da msi albums+eps NOW!!!!!!

Oh great heavens ….OK !!!!

1. Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy

I mean this was to be expected, even LJU himself put frankenstein girls at the top when asked his to rank his own records. It’s a classic. You never get bored of it.

2. How I learned To Stop Giving A Shit And Love Mindless Self Indulgence

ok this one is SEVERELY overhated. It’s so good. its like the classic msi sound combined with elements of Jimmy’s solo work, it’s like the theme song to an existential crisis if you focus on songs like hey tomorrow fuck you and your friends yesterday, stalkers, the logical song, and i am not here to make any friends. A++++ a bunch of my favorite songs are from this one

3. Self-titled and PINK

I feel like Jimmy revealed a lot about himself by releasing PINK. A lot of it has to do with religious and sexual trauma ….I don’t know what was going on in his head in the 90s when he wrote all those songs but he was getting whatever was bothering him out of his system and turning it into art and I love that 💗

4. Crappy Little Demo + Igor’s Secret Stash

No MSI demo can ever go wrong, U know what I mean. Especially Royally Fucked, Royally Fuckwd is my FAVEEEE . I also love the last track on Crappy Little Demo, it’s controversial but makes such an amazing point. If you don’t understand it just say you’re an idiot and move on.

5. <3

Just a really good EP I don’t know what else to say about it, it covers some serious topics aswell, love love love. Make Me Cum is my fave

6. Tight

It’s classic you know! and i listen to panty shot on repeat a lot ….it has a lot of funny stories that go with it and around the time that it was released

7. Despierta Los Ninõs

I don’t want to be the one who’s stuck with me when I whip my meat out trapped in a room when I start to beat it I don’t want to be the one who’s touchin me when I whip my meat out jugglin muh balls little sucka gonna beat now

8. You’ll Rebel To Anything

All I have to say is: weeooweeooweeooweeoo

9. If

If was my favorite for a LONGGGGGG time, I would listen to Mark David Chapmen and Issues on repeat for like ….hours. I listened to it so much that I made myself not able to stand it anymore 😭 a handful of songs on it are very underrated. Justice for If now

10. Another Mindless Rip Off

Ok some people are gonna be VERY mad at me for putting this one so low and i’m very sorry but it’s not the best. That and I did the same thing with it that I did with If, listened to it too much

#msi #this took me a long time to write ….#so U better read ALL of it and appreciate my input

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minalblood · 2 years ago

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Ok so my brain decided to deepen its own damage last night as I was rewatching The Winchesters (season 1) finale so buckle up it’s a long one fellas.

So I was listening and when I heard Keep on Rambling come on during the bar scene with Joan, my mind went huh, I wonder where this is placed in the album. So I went and checked. Mainly I was curious cuz usually an album tells a story and Jensen made it pretty clear that unlike the previous two albums where they were just trying shit out, this one was meant to be more consistent and have a clear throughline. So as I said, I checked.

It’s the 6th song btw, the 1st of the 2nd half of the album. I kind lost it after that tbh. Let me explain why ok:

So if we go by the logic that the album tells a story and we tie it to Dean (and destiel cuz duh tbh) we have this shit happening: Right Kind of Trouble - you can tie this to SPN directly, this is Dean realizing that Cas is basically it for him despite the constant fights they’ve been having and more so allowing himself to acknowledge that. Basically this is the Purgatory apology. Like legit this song is to me what Dean really wanted to tell Cas, that Cas didn’t allow him to. This is a love confession itself, one that says I know I fucked up, but If you give me a chance again I will do so much better cuz you’re it for me, we match. Like look at this shit guys:

Like this is pure divorce era Deancas and you can’t tell me otherwise, but more specifically, Dean thoughts as he eventually apologized in 15x09 The Trap.

Then we got Forever ain’t Long. This for me can of course still be about the divorce era, sure, but more so it feels like 15x18 Despair and regretting having gotten to this point and now it being too late to change anything cuz Cas is dead. Like how much clearer can it be? Like it’s literally a plea for time to turn back and for the relationship to go back to being as it was before all the mess Chuck and just the divorce era caused, but cannot since Cas is dead (Take me forever/forever ain’t long). And also, just this song screams Despair to me, it’s one of the saddest ones on the whole album, it reeks of grief. And it’s a direct call for Cas with the heaven line off the bat:

Also this part? This is mindspace for sobbing on the floor and 15x19 vibes for me.

Next is Every Light, the ultimate Dean song right? Well specifically this ties into 15x19 - telling Chuck he can just have his ending, just bring Cas back - and more importantly, and it’s also something I think we all heard, it’s about what shall not be named, the fucking 15x20 finale. I don’t need to bang on too much here but like, it’s even more than that. Because with TW 1x13 we find out he decided to stray from heaven while we were still mid ep 15x20 which means these are him going, hey I need to do sth about this, I need to figure out what’s wrong here, make sense of it and make it right cuz fuck this, I ain’t just taking this shit hand I’ve been given. Like I could literally put the whole song here but like imma put just some:

This is pure intergenerational trauma banging around in his head.

Ain’t no telling is next on the list and this is now heading into Winchester territory a bit, but not quite fully there. I see it as a continuation of the above aka I don’t want to go, but now that I’m gone and it’s not good, why is it not good, who am I after all, does anyone really know and does it really matter? And by anyone I do mean Cas tbh cuz like yea, it would make sense. The song literally says hey, you love me through all of it, despite me not always being sure who tf I am or how far away from each other we are, but we are still going to take advantage of every second we have. Basically this to me feels like a retrospective of the divorce arc put into context by the confession and this restlessness and need to find something Dean gets while in heaven. Like the 1st verse if soooo Dean I just can’t.

Ok now we get into shady waters a bit because You make me Blue is a bit of an outlier tbh, which considering I think this was written just by Steve, it makes sense, buuut I can still fit it in here seamlessly like this: this is sung to Chuck. This is the realization or resolution to the question posed by Ain’t no telling essentially. This unsureness of self isn’t lying with Dean alone, this was brought on by Chuck and his machinations so the anger in the song matches perfectly. Again, all of this til now has been gearing up to leave heaven but still on the road so to speak, still matching the 15x20 set of events, but his mind is running and trying to make sense of things. And what do we get with this song? We get “I’m finally happy being free/me”. We get a concretised sense of self once it’s been made clear in Dean’s mind just how much Chuck fucked with him (and if you’re a Chuck Won truther like me, how much Chuck is still doing, has the realisation that maybe Jack isn’t quite Jack here cuz sth is clearly wrong, but it doesn’t matter anymore, he knows who he is so Chuck/Jack’s influence can’t affect him anymore). And again this is the one song that matches least, but if we take it to be Dean having trusted Chuck to not be the villain (see him going to shoot Jack for that and promising to bring Mary back), then this still fits for me.

And now that we close this chapter we get to our 1st offender again: Keen on Rambling and the 1st one that is without any doubt taking place during The Winchesters. Like the whole song states everything that we’ve just been told happened throughout season 1. Like ok, verse 1 is deciding to leave heaven even though heaven is meant to be a place to rest (find peace whatever). Then verse 2 is giving the AU he finds himself in with the Akrida a nudge in the right direction (I’m sorry with the calvary in tow??, headed southbound for the season???) And finally we get to the last one which to me is meeting the Core 4 but especially Mary and John and giving them the journal (I have a story to tell — do tell). So yea, but he’s not done tho. The song is constantly saying to keep on rambling so there’s more to do to get to where he needs to be, he’s still restless. But it is the beginning of this next chapter and the beginning of the second half of the album like I said. It matches soo fuckign well tbh and I’m going a bit insane here so take all this with a grain of salt tbh.

Ok so now that we’ve reached the current point in the Dean story we have 4 more songs. Which to me is basically where Dean needs to get to.

And honestly a bit of Sweet Escape still fits into the finale for season 1 of TW so let’s get to it. This one is very much saying I’ve been caught red handed and people are trying to keep me contained but I refuse to stay put cuz there’s still shit I need to do/find. Like this is where my Chuck Won truthing hits worst tbh, but it could just be the Jack’s non interference thing too as well tbh, but the other voices that need to be drowned out are def Jack here, who took him back to heaven at the end of 1x13 of TW so this is basically saying you may have gotten me back here, but I’ll break outta the inclosure anyways, you can’t stop me, I’m not done. And with the 1st verse’ ending it feels like not only is he not done, but there’s a plan in motion here. Also I CANNOT overstate how much the 2nd verse makes me think of the Empty.

Return to Me is self explanatory tbh, but I’ll ramble a bit here too. This one answers the question of what he’s searching for, why he can’t stop moving, what’s missing for him to be happy. And what’s missing is a person that he lost aka Cas. Like I really don’t even need to say much here, this song is literally Dean going hey this is what I need to be happy, this is how that can happen. It fucking has the lakeside and raincoat mentions, it’s blatant tbh. And moreso, the last verse is just a reiteration of what we all lost our shit about with Watching over Me aka how did I not know you loved me back, how did I miss that until it was literally too late.

Restless Man is a prayer to me basically and also the song I relate to the most tbh. So I’ll try not to get lost in the meanings here. But basically it’s Dean asking Cas to give him the space and reason to slow down. Not stop, because it’s still Dean and he can’t do that, but to give him a place or person where he can feel safe to take a break, where he can just be, where he can learn how to just be instead of constantly needing to do everything for everyone else. To have a place where he can just focus on himself a bit and what he needs and wants and how to embrace being happy. And more than just that, it’s saying that he’s finally ready to allow someone to take care of him for a bit, to have a place where he doesn’t need to be constantly on guard.

And it wraps up with Velvet Sky which in this case is the happy ending. Happy not because there’s “peace when you are done” like Jack says, but because now they have a place of their own to go to whenever they are weary of the road. The 1st verse to me is referring to Dean travels through the multiverse - literally seen all the land, every beach and grain of sand because he literally went and saw all the possibilities for things, saw the wide expanse of the multiverse in search for this place and this person that he can now be with. And it’s not peace here, the sea is angry still, but it’s what works for them. It’ll never be perfect and it doesn’t need to be, Dean just needs this place and person to be free to just be himself and that no one else can reach or affect again, have his story be his own.

So yea, this is the insanity my brain concocted last night after rewatching The Winchesters season 1 finale and having a random thought about Radio Company. And like I could’ve left it be and not traced any connections, but they fucking used the song in the show and then used Ramble On as the song to send the episode off. I couldn’t just ignore the relevance of that.

But anyway, none of this could be accurate at the end of the day, but I had to get it out cuz it was stuck on repeat all night. Let me know what you guys think.

#the winchesters #spnwin #TW 1X13 #radio company #dean winchester #dean winchester meta #i guess

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foultastemusic · 8 months ago

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EP Review - Here, Hear. IV – La Dispute (2024)

This EP was the best gift that 2024 could give me, and we're still only in March. A game between the traumas in the stories recounted in La Dispute's first "great" albums - Somewhere at the Bottom of the River Between Vega and Altair (2008) and Wildlife (2011) - revolutionary for the experimental world of midwest emo, post-hardcore and the underground community in general, and the latest works of art that are most listened to and reflected on, which tell us through the details of everyday life, feelings, landscapes and images open to the listener's imagination - Rooms of the House (2014) and Panorama (2019) - when recitation becomes part of the post-hardcore trends.

Despite the pained voice and the contrasts that create the perfect synthesis of the guitars and bass, the rhythmic coherence of the drums and the literary personality of the band that has always been faithful to us from the beginning until today, elements that have created the "brand image", I notice that these geniuses of emo music don't mind experimenting with new electronics, the absence of screams and distortions, love, new ways of saying things. The fact that we can't catalog and put aesthetic labels on certain artists, because they are constantly metamorphosing and contradicting themselves with the genres given by fans and record companies, certain types of festivals and events, algorithms of streaming platforms, etc., is a proof that the post-hardcore of these bands that continue to record over the years is maturing as a movement. And this EP has made me reflect on my generation, which adapts to trends by not adapting to it at all. Perhaps silences and improbable harmonic resolutions are the oxygen pump for artists and listeners of music created in a studio as if it’s a laboratory.

Here, Hear. is a collection of four volumes, the first of which was released in 2008, the band's big bang year. In the four volumes, we can see that La Dispute exploded at the beginning and took their own advantage of the sounds in a very genuine, pure and direct way, unashamed to use unconventional instruments such as pianos, maracas and “folklorized” melodies - always recognizable on a timbral level, anyway - but it was in this last one, sixteen years later, that we see the band flourish, not in an explosive way as before, but always pure and honest. They reinforce simplicity and the timeless stories. Sixteen, the fourth song on the EP, and one that had been released before on Spotify, marks a new life of La Dispute: it reminds me of the walks I had to school when I was fourteen and of my first crush had dedicated the song Such Small Hands (2008) to me in anonymity; of the song Woman (In the Mirror) (2014) when I was always at home trying to discover my own way of (always hidden) teenage happiness. Today I've discovered how happy I can be and that the nostalgia for the sadness, heartbreak and melancholy that went on in the corners of my neighborhood while I listened to La Dispute's entire discography for most of the years I lived there is part of it. We were sad listening to sad music, and happiness, today, is based on that. This single, according to my empirical experience and to the community of fans writing online as well, reminds us of those nostalgic times.

And the group's aesthetic minimalism continues. Not just in the music, but in the band's overall image. And I'm enjoying watching it. The lyrics and stories increasingly make sense, since the instrumental part of the EP makes them prevail. In the song Reformation, which concludes the EP in a mode of ecstatic tranquillity, we have a beautiful guitar that harps along with Jordan Dreyer's unsung and unshouted voice. Just like that. Everything that the music of sensitive people needed to offer about the art of growing up and noticing life's little symbols, even when you drink your coffee in the morning before facing the life of an adult who is emotionally trapped by the years that have passed.

«You awake at 3AM to the soft voice of her dream, saying

"These are the people who said that you like him would never die

Until you do and you will and I will too

Just like this, baby, but longer, forever

And there's nothing past that door, I know it"

Before she drifts back to sleep where you can't now and it's okay

Peace be with you»

Reformation, La Dispute (2024)

#music #post hardcore #underground #diy

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lesbianmelkor · 1 year ago

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THE WHORE SLEEPS BADLY: a playlist for Emilio Sandoz

notes on songs under the cut!! emilio art credit to @ferretteeth

Alone Together - Fall Out Boy

this is the road to ruin and we´re starting at the end!!! emilio deserves to have some angsty music and also. this song is about being alone without being alone and being trapped and being loved for the worst things about yourself. i don´t know where i´m going but i dont think i´m coming home!!

2. Be Afraid - Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit

this is a song about feeling like g-d is ignoring you and feeling like you´re not living up to your potential and also the lyric "we´ve been testing you and you failed to see how long that you could hold it in before you screamed, but you only exhaled" g-ddddddd.

3. Bite the Hand - Boygenius

another song about emilio´s relationship with g-d. "i can´t love you how you want me to"?? he comes home and he can´t do it anymore!! it´s gone!! he´ll bite the hand that feeds him!!! also. "i can´t hear you, you´re too far away" cause he left g-d behind him on rakhat.

4. Butchered Tongue - Hozier

This is actually a pre-priesthood linguistics song for emilio!! minority culture always having to speak in another language than your own, especially for taino emilio... and then speaking these languages that literally nobody else on the planet speaks!! crazy

5. Colorblind - Counting Crows

literally just listen to this song and tell me this isn´t how emilio feels. "i am covered in skin, no one gets to come in" and then the repetition of "i am ready i am fine"?? im pulling my hair out.

6. Cringe - Matt Maeson

so this is actually the stripped version which makes me crazy in its own right but. "oh i make you cringe now. don´t i make you cringe now?" matt said this song is about leading a lifestyle that the people around you don´t approve of and it just. this one. just trust me.

7. Cry for Judas - the Mountain Goats

you get it. you get it. "mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get." "i´m still here but all is lost". it was ruined!! all was lost!! he thinks he is judas betraying g-d!!! you know what i mean.

8. Floating in the Forth - Frightened Rabbit

so the lead singer of frightened rabbit committed suicide by jumping off a bridge into the firth of forth and he wrote this song about doing that before he did that and it just. just. it´s so important also remember this it comes up three songs later.

9. Graceless - The National

"G-D LOVES EVERYBODY, DON´T REMIND ME". this is a song about being in the world without being fully present and it kills me.

10. Leave My Body - Florence + the Machine

from the first line: "i´m gonna be released from behind these lines, and i don´t care whether i live or die" to the last: "moving up to higher ground, your history keeps pulling me down", this is a song about emilio trying to move forward as everyone keeps forcing him to relive what happened over and over.

11. The Modern Leper - Julien Baker

hey remember when i said remember the frightened rabbit trivia! this is from the cover album they released after their lead singer killed himself and it is sooooooo. this is a song about being fundamentally broken and diseased and the rest of the world ignores it but you know you´re unlovable. "i am ill but im not dead and i don´t know which of those i´d prefer"!!!

12. Never Quite Free - the Mountain Goats

this is a song about knowing that the trauma still hangs over you and you´ll never be able to escape it and it makes me cry. anyway. "it gets okay to praise the day, believe in sheltering skies and stable earth, but hear his breath come through his teeth". emilio is trying so hard to build a better life and sometime it just won´t happen!!

13. Prayer in Open D - Emmylou Harris

again from the first lyric to the last, this is a song about emilio sandoz. "there´s a valley of sorrow in my soul, where every night i hear the thunder roll like the sound of a distant gun over all the damage i have done" and it Gets Worse From There!!

14. Relative Fiction - Julien Baker

"cause i don´t need a savior i need you to take me home"!!! the religious trauma HITS when you´re trying so hard to be good for a g-d you no longer believe in!!!

15. Spent Gladiator 2 - the Mountain Goats

"stay alive. maybe spit some blood at the camera. just stay alive" what if your life and your pain was a spectacle and you dont know how to escape and you don´t even know what escape would look like. anyway.

16. Sun Bleached Flies - Ethel Cain

hey girls. hey girls. did you know g-d loves you but not enough to save you!! anyway religious trauma and having fallen in the eyes of g-d and not being able to fix it and just wanting to be safe and go home. "if it´s meant to be then it will be. i forgive it all as it comes back to me"!!! praying to go back to a home you know you can never return to. i am unwell.

17. Televangelist - Julien Baker

i hear you saying "jordan this is the third julien baker song on here" and all i can say is gay ppl with religious trauma understand emilio sandoz better than anyone else. anyway. "am i a masochist screaming televangelist clutching my crucifix of white noise and static. all my prayers are just apologies." you know what i mean.

18. 24 Frames - Jason Isbell

this is once again a song about g-d abandoning you!! "you thought g-d was an architect now you know he´s something like a pipe bomb ready to blow". it´s soooo good.

in conclusion: i am mentally unwell please appreciate the fruits of my insanity.

#the sparrow #emilio sandoz #mine #Spotify

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ijustkindalikebooks · 10 months ago

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I've been thinking about this for some time.

Now is the winter of our discontent, we wait for the jinaissance, or Hobitober as I like to call it until Army are supervised again. Now are the days where we make threads of 'BTS as..' I don't know, toothbrushes, I've seen that thread or make really good personality quizzes that make you feel way too seen (not to mention if you pick books, you always get Namjoon).

and I will write a post recommending books on the solo albums/Singles of every member, I shall begin, I hope you take some inspiration from this post and let me know if you think they are good choices.

(Edited because I learnt about something in one of the recommendations and regretted picking it).

The Astronaut (Single) - Jin - Starting from the beginning, where we see Jin release his debut solo record, The Astronaut is about loving someone so much you see only them and the video is a visual masterpiece, where Jin is an alien trapped on Earth, finds he can go home and then realises he already is home. Books I'd recommend for this one is maybe is The Wayfarer series by Becky Chambers or The Humans by Matt Haig.

Jack In The Box - J-Hope - this is album about ambition, it's about choosing between burning brighter or burning out, something that must feel pertinent considering the future, something also covered on this album. I feel like a book such as Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop by Hwang Bo-Reum. A book about a group of people who assemble in a bookshop, they connect together and talk about the lives, dreams and figure out the person they are - I feel like if any album is about trying to figure all these things out, then it's this one.

Indigo - RM - I made a whole damn post about this album, it's so good, like so good. RM's Indigo has connections to art, to love, to heartbreak and loneliness - it is a honest record. Art books I'd recommend are 'Women In The Picture' and 'How To Be A Renaissance Woman' if you want to understand art better, love, well, the possibilities are endless, but for me, I'd recommend Pachinko. A book about relationships, disconnection, loss and hope, I feel Indigo embodies this book. (Watch Decision to Leave too, if you can, it's alot, check content warnings).

Face - Jimin - Written by Jimin, Face is an album that is about losing it, and the recovery of that, it's about losing someone and spiralling and unwinding yourself, Like Crazy and Face/Off are so good on this record, highly recommend. This Song Will Save Your Life by Laila Sales does come to mind, but others I think would be good for a record like this would be, 'I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokkbokki' I feel like this book is an incredible memoir about someone going through therapy and also sharing their thoughts and inner mind, I took alot from this and you if you can connect to this album's themes, maybe you could too.

D-Day by Agust D (Suga) - I wrote a mini essay about the power of Amygdala from this album the other day with a limit of 500 words, and it was by far one of my hardest things to do, to limit me at 500 words. An album about trauma and how to recover from it, D-Day is part gangster movie, part therapy. Books such as Manjeet Mann's Run, Rebel told in verse is about moving from trauma and escaping through a talent to a better life and a better version of yourself, or you could pick something like 'The Courage To Be Disliked' a book Suga has been seen reading and is about learning from your past and being unshackled from it for a better future, either one I think is a good representation of D-Day.

Layover - V - a more chilled out, bluesy, soul record, Layover is the space between two different flights, which I suppose damn, he was at the time, between being in a group to moving into the military, he was in the space between, man this album is smarter than I am. A romantic album at heart, Layover makes me think in moments of The Unhoneymooners by Cristina Lauren for that summery, romance, holiday energy it gives me with Slow Dancing but in other times, Layover reminds me of Beautiful World, Where Are You? by Sally Rooney. A book about relationships, connection, love and random travel, maybe this is perfect book to personify Layover really.

Golden by Jungkook - A collection of incredible pop bangers, I will never be sick of Standing Next To You. Sometims emotive (Hate You should not break my heart like it does) to the spicier songs like Seven, Golden is an album of moments collected on to record. A short story collection like Nocturnes by Kazuo Ishiguro. Moving between Italy and Hollywood, Nocturnes links love, music and the passing of time and I feel with Golden, Jungkook shows us himself as the adult he is now, the member in BTS we have seen grow up the most from his school days at debut to now.

Obviously, these are just suggestions, but I'd love to hear what you think. What books remind you of certain albums I'm so curious! Also if I did another post like this, what should I do (and yes, oh my god I would do an Eras one!).

Vee xo.

#booklr #bookblr #books #fiction #book #bts #book recommendations #book recs #reading #books and reading

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 3 years ago

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Looking for a Place to Happen 5

Warnings: non-consent sex and rape, age gap, general stupidity, some violence and threats, coercion, manipulation, trauma, sextoy, recording, anal.

This is dark!biker!Sam Wilson x reader and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Series Synopsis: There’s lots happening in Birch and you find it all too amusing.

Sister series to Smalltown Bringdown, When the Weight Comes Down, Little Bones, and Fully Completely

Note: It was close but y’all wanted more Birch!Sam so here we go. This one is... porn. Let’s be honest lmao.

Thanks to everyone for their patience and feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Chapter 5: Come on in, sit right down

💀💀💀

It was a pain you’d never felt before. It was more than physical, it was deep, it was like part of you was missing. Something taken from you. More than just that outdated concept of purity that you never bought into, more so your autonomy. You never felt very in control of your life, trapped in the small town with dreams but now your life was completely out of your grasp.

Sam left late, some time after midnight. It didn’t matter, you still felt him inside of you. You tried to rinse him off of you, out of you, but the shower only left you cold and hollow. You gave up on sleep just after five in the morning and you typed in a trance, barely thinking as your fingers fluttered over the keyboard.

Hours passed like days and you descended as you heard your nan below, the clink of her heavy cast iron pot on the stove. She cooked her oatmeal in it and it was heavy enough to hammer back in the loose floorboard in front of the fridge. She offered you some as you entered the kitchen and you sat at the table with a sigh.

“Is that man coming back?” she asked.

You tilted your head at her as she put a bowl in front of you and the bag of sugar just for you. You sprinkled the brown granules over your oatmeal and added milk, “you looking forward to it?”

“The only reason I didn’t spray Lysol in his eyes was because of you, girly,” she sat heavy with the jar of artificial sugar and the little cinnamon container, “you know I’d do anything to keep you safe even if you’re too dumb for your own good.”

You nodded and scooped up the thick oatmeal. You pushed your tongue through the oats and said nothing.

“I told you to stay away from that bar,” she huffed. The crotchety old lady was back.

“You seemed happy enough about the pie and wine,” you shrugged.

“You think I don’t know his kind. I’m an old lady, that won’t keep him from cracking my skull like poor old Mikey Rae,” she tutted, “that was the first biker I fucked with.”

“Nan,” you gasped at her language.

“Well, you’re an adult now. Gonna have to grow up quick if you messin’ with those boys,” she pointed her spoon at you, “but you say the word and I’ll twist his balls off. Being old only means I gotta be patient.”

You couldn’t help but snicker. You knew she was serious and you realised then that it was all a show. A cautious act that you’d mirrored for her own sake. But this was a problem you had to deal with yourself. The one thing you couldn’t live with was bringing harm to the woman who raised you.

“No ball twisting, nan,” you shook your head, “alright?”

“For now,” she returned, “but you be careful, girly. You’re in deep enough.”

“I know,” you bit the edge of your lip, “nan?”

“Mmm,” she grumbled as she swallowed.

“Mikey Ray, if he was one of them, who bashed him?” you asked.

“The second one, Colin,” she frowned, “cocky bugger, took what he wanted… until he got what he couldn’t handle.”

“And what happened to him?”

It was the most your nan ever told you about those days, more inclined to talk about her hippy festivals and protest arrests.

“I twisted his balls off,” she snickered, “in a manner of speaking.”

You drew your brows together as you watched her take another bite and she opened the pocket book of crosswords she kept on the table.

“In a manner of speaking?” you wondered.

“I plead the fifth,” she took the pencil from between the pages and adjusted her thick glasses, “but he wasn’t around to cause me any trouble.”

You shoved another spoonful into your mouth and sat back. You always thought your nan was a tough old bitch, you couldn’t imagine what she was like when she was your age.

💀

Sam showed up just after noon. You weren’t surprised but you weren’t happy either. You were only thankful he came in the back. You didn’t need Nan following through on her threats and you would rather she didn’t know about the visit. If you were fortunate, she didn’t notice him for her knitting.

He knocked on your door and you unlocked it. He made no move to enter as he twirled your phone between his fingers.

“Charged it last night,” he smiled, “thought we could have some more fun.”

“I’m working,” you said quietly.

“Did I ask?” his lips straightened and he tilted his head, “and it’s about time you came over. Kind feels off with the old lady just on the other side of the wall.” You winced at the memory of the night before. He noticed and chuckled. “Kinda hot too but… still,” he mused.

“You can’t come back later?” you crossed your arms.

“You were so good last night,” he said, “I don’t like this little game you’re playing so don’t make me give the old lady a show. Let’s go.”

You dropped your arms and grabbed your thinner jacket from the back of your chair and shoved your feet into your zip up Martens. He waited with his arm across the open door and you stepped past him as his other hand went to your ass and squeezed. He closed the door and followed you down the wooden steps.

The snow wasn’t as deep as the first fall and you crunched through to the sidewalk. He placed his arm over your shoulders as he ushered you along to the main road. You passed The Asp and cut through the lot as he waved to other members of the club.

“I talked to Bucky, let him know you won’t be an issue any longer,” he said, “right?”

“Right,” you echoed and hugged yourself against the bitter air.

“Aw, honey, don’t worry, we’re about to get you warmed up,” he led you down another side street and up the paved walk of a pale blue house, “this is my place, Chez, uh, Wilson.”

He let you inside and nudged you further in as he followed. You slid out of your boots and he helped you out of your jacket. His impatience showed as he unzipped his coat and tore off his own boots. He took out your phone and grinned.

“Today,” he held it up, “you can get this back… if you earn it.”

You stared at him and picked at the hem of your shirt. His eyes followed the movement of your fingers and he licked his lips.

“Why yes, you can take that off, that’s a great start,” he purred, “all of it.”

You clenched your teeth and gripped the fabric nervously. He shouldered past you and pointed across the front room.

“You can go wait for me in there,” he said, “I’ll be a couple.”

You nodded and made to pass him but he stopped you before you could enter the living room. The place was cozy even if you didn’t want to be there. He bent and turned your face up to kiss you sloppily. He tapped your ass again as he urged you onward.

“Gotta loosen you up,” he taunted, “in more ways than one.”

You continued across the room if only to get away from him, even if it wouldn't be for long. You pushed past the painted door and entered the bedroom. The wall was hung with a large framed diagram of a Harley and another of a bike engine. There was a large poster for the Godfather and a Marvin Gaye album leaned against a retro player. The bed was made and the carpet freshly vacuumed.

You went to the dresser and looked over the dog tags that hung from a miniature statue of David. You looked up at the large mirror over the dresser and you looked as scared as you felt. You gulped down your nerves as he entered and looked away from your reflection.

He had a stool in hand and kicked the door closed. He placed it between the bed and the dresser. He kept his hands on the top and his chest flexed beneath his grey henley. He watched you knowingly and tutted.

“You’re not naked,” he said, “don’t you want this back?”

He let go of the stool and revealed your phone once more. You murmured and lifted your shirt slowly. He went to the dresser and unfolded a small metal tripod and affixed the cell to it. He angled it then slid out the top drawer. You scoffed as he turned around with a large suction dildo and stuck it to the top of the stool, your hands frozen on your open fly.

“Um, what the hell?” you sputtered.

“I think you know what the hell but I’m more than happy to give direction,” he wiggled the dildo and let it wobble as he pulled away.

You gaped at it. You couldn’t fit that whole thing in you. How were you even supposed to get yourself onto that?

“Honey, quit stalling,” he warned as he put his hands on his hips. You blinked at him and scowled, “or we can make a special post for TikTok… but I think it might be against their terms of service.”

You glanced away and pushed down your jeans. You let your socks crumple in the ankles and stood to unhook your bra. He hummed as he moved to lean against the wall beside the dresser and crossed his arms over his chest. You hesitated before you shimmied out of your panties, shying away as you eyed the stool.

“Oh,” he pushed away from the wall and reached into the drawer again. He tossed you a tube and you caught it. Lubricant. “You’re gonna wanna get some of that on there.”

You inhaled deeply and flipped open the cap. You cringed as you hovered the bottle over the tip of the dildo and squirted it onto the silicone. You spread it down the length of the toy and your hand shook. You felt him watching you as embarrassment burned through you.

You finished and capped the lube and set it on the dresser. He nodded to the toy and lifted a brow. You hid your discomfort and approached the stool. You stepped up onto the crossbar and clung to the edge of the seat as you brought your knee up. You felt as if it would all topple as you brought your other leg up.

You shuddered as you felt the tip against your cunt and you reached unsteadily between your legs. You rubbed the head of the toy against your folds to spread the lube and peeked over at Sam.

“Go on,” he ordered, “if you can get that whole thing inside you, I’ll give you your phone back.”

You gripped the toy and pushed it back to your entrance. You lowered yourself a little so it stretched you just slightly. You scrunched your nose at the discomfort and slowly eased further onto it. You got halfway and stopped as you gasped. Your fingers curled around the seat and the toy.

“You’re doing good, honey,” his voice was smoky and you looked at yourself in the mirror. The phone blocked the bottom half of the toy but you could see your cunt around the top.

You bent your knees further and groaned as your walls strained around the dildo. Your eyes watered as it hit your cervix and you arched your back to take it as deep as you could. You cried out as you reached the base.

“Whoa, you really did it,” he mused, “fuck, you look good all stretched out.”

You whimpered and adjusted your legs as you tried not to slip.

“Well, you know what to do,” he motioned up and down with his fingers.

“Please,” you breathed, “I did--”

“Not done yet,” he said pointedly.

You huffed and lifted yourself carefully. You pushed back down and let out a moan as the toy grazed your walls. The fullness was overwhelming, a painful pressure laced with pleasure. You rocked your hips as you moved on your knees and gripped the edge of the stool, mindful not to shake the stool too much.

You closed your eyes as your breath hitched. You needed more. The toy could only do so much as your clit thrummed and the wetness spread down your thighs.

“Mmmm,” Sam came around you and snaked his arm down your front. He pushed his fingers between your swollen folds and circled your bud, “you like that, don’t you, honey?”

You whined as your nerves sparked at his fingertips and you sped up. He planted his foot on the crossbar to keep the stool from tipping and you rode out your orgasm as his touch spurred you on.

“Ah, fuck,” he pressed against your back, “I’m so fucking hard.”

You panted and opened your eyes. You looked at yourself in the mirror but quickly shied away. You were weak, so weak.

He stepped around you and reached for the lube. You watched him as you didn’t move from atop the toy and he rounded you again. He drizzled the lube between your cheeks and flung the lube away. He pushed his fingers along your ass and lingered on your tight ring. You winced and tried to lift yourself off the dildo.

He caught your shoulder and held you down.

“Again,” he ordered.

You glanced at him in the mirror and he gave you a stern look as his fingers tightened around your shoulder. You held your breath and began to fuck the toy again. He nuzzled the back of your head and poked against your ass until his finger slid inside. You cried out and his hand went to your neck as he urged you on.

“Ah, honey,” he whispered against your hair.

He drew his finger in and out of your ass as a burning pressure seared through you and added to that in your cunt.

“You can touch yourself,” he uttered as his fiery breath encircled you.

You did so without thinking. He pushed another finger into you and a squeak escaped your lips. You couldn’t help but delight in how the sensations mingled and bloomed to a new climax. He sped up in time with your hips and your legs shook as you came in a series of strangled mewls.

He kept on until you slowed to catch your breath. He slipped his fingers out of you and your head lolled as he removed his hand from your neck. You heard his zipper and as you looked back, his hand stretched across the back of your head and turned it straight. He bent so his head was next to yours and grasped your chin as he made you look at him in the mirror.

“One more time, honey,” he pulled his dick out and his tip brushed along your ass.

You tried to lift yourself off the toy but he hooked his arm around your middle and kept you on it.

“Sam, no, please,” you begged, “I can’t--”

“You can handle it all, honey,” he purred, “I know you can.”

His tip pressed to your ring as he forced you down on the toy. You exclaimed and he pushed until you stretched around the head of his cock. You gritted your teeth and threw your head back against his shoulder.

He pulled back and pushed in again. He got deeper with each slow thrust, an inch at a time, until you were filled by him and the toy. Your eyes welled and the tears trickled down your cheeks as you held onto the stool and grunted through each tilt of his hips.

He trailed his hand down between your legs and spread your folds as he flicked your clit with his middle finger. He moved you against him and on the toy. He pushed into as the dildo reached its limit and your voice grew louder and louder.

Through the agony, you couldn’t help but feel the unyielding tingle in your core and it crawled down your thighs and up your spine. The stool rocked with his motion but he kept you flush to him as he fucked you from behind. Your legs slipped over the side of the seat and you were impaled on the toy.

He didn’t let up as you gasped and gulped, whining as your cunt twitched around the silicone and you came as you reached back to scratch at his open jeans. He rutted into you without relent as he kneaded your thighs and his breath seared down your flesh.

“Ah, honey,” he muttered through his delighted groans, “goddamn, god-- shit, I’m gonna fill you up.”

He slammed into you as deep as he could and you felt him burst. He gave several long thrusts as rode out his orgasm and groaned. When he stilled he leaned against you and sighed.

“You can have the phone back,” he rasped as he caressed your thigh, “tomorrow.”

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sxrrandomfanfics · 2 years ago

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Genesis Album: A Trick of the Tail & Corresponding Psychonauts Characters

I am going back to my musical love and singing again now that my headphones are fixed. So I was listening to "A Trick of the Tail" and putting characters from my current Hyperfixation onto them

Dance on a Volcano - Lili Zanotto Now, Dance on a Volcano is the first song on the album and I'm not just choosing this song because of "volcano" in the name. This 15/8 time song is about trying to persue a single goal and leaving others behind with your own talents. I feel that it feels like Lili's rejection of Psychonauts as dangers of the profession aren't quite on her mind but she leaves other peers behind and seems to not have a true link. A great match to her as the song demands "you better start doing it right!"

Entangled - Caligosto Loboto Entangled using dreamlike imagery and a floaty, dissociating, swaying melody to the slow tempo is a great match to how Loboto is acting, not entirely there, especially in Rhombus of Ruin. Plus, Entangled itself is a song about a person who is getting ready for a surgery. Using those two ideas and reflecting on Loboto's past makes this match very well. And then imagining that the different verses are where we see Loboto's family to his actions against the campers, and against Truman and Raz in Rhombus makes the song work very well with his story. Plus the line: "With your consent I can experiment further still" being repeated in the chorus is chillingly attached to him.

Squonk - Morceau Oleander A story about a creature who is so sad that it can't stop crying, yet doesn't want others to see it cry... coupled with the idea that there's a secondary story of a son trying to make his father proud by catching the beast... I'd say this has Oleander's story written all over it. With Oleander trying his best to make his family proud (getting into the military) after everything that he'd been through with a trauma. The line "all the king's horses and all the king's men could never put a smile on that face" is supposed to reflect the beast that the son wants to capture, but simultaneously, I see it fitting Morry, especially after PN1's storyline of him being the villain.

Mad Man Moon - Helmut Fullbear A kind of reflection of "Dance on a Volcano"'s energy, Mad Man Moon is a slow reflective song about leaving home that swells into a high energy while the narrator sings about what he misses and how those who have something want the opposite while he is trapped somewhere he can no longer escape unlike the home. It really gives me the vibes of Psi-King's Sensorium with the reflection always kind of being there but also the high energy and colors swelling up into a crescendo and climax before reeling back into the slower beginning. Couple that with the idea of how Mad Man Moon contrasts those living in deserts wanting rainstorms while those who live in rain want the sun. Just the sensory overwhelming me and being far from home reminds me of Helmut.

Robbery, Assault and Battery - The Noodler Do we know anything about this character? No, but he's a villain named multiple times and is featured in the TPT comics, apparently. And because of that, with how Robbery, Assault and Battery is a celebration of a villainous act, I think this is the character that fits it best, taking joy in the actions.

Ripples - Ford Cruller This song is a reflection of lost time, using the idea of a woman reflecting back in the water and it just fits so well. Truly the lyrics about losing time fits well with the lyrics: "Sail away, away/Ripples never come back/Gone to the other side/Sail away, away." It's so fixated on the moment in time of just realizing how much time you've lost feels like how Ford must have been for so long.

A Trick of the Tail - Razputin Aquato Not only is it the song the album is named after this song, but the first part really fits Raz. However... not the rest of the song. I always imagine that this is more of how the Aquato family believed that this would happen if Raz ran and found out the psychics were as bad as they thought. A more reflection of a character through another character's perception. It fits the least but still...

Los Endos - Lucrecia Mux Los Endos is a medley of... Dance on a Volcano and Squonk, with the ending parts having the whispered lyrics of - "There's an angel standing in the sun./ There's an angel standing in the sun, Free to get back home." Which I suppose fit Lucrecia Mux (pre-transformation and post with the two songs attached without Entangled between them).

#a trick of the tail #genesis band #song/character analysis #psychonauts

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dirtandspitoftheworld · 3 years ago

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I have to be honest. I still stand by Manson, but I still get doubts that nag at me. When I read about trauma, lovebombing, trauma bonding, grooming, coercive control, trafficking....It makes me think about the SLIGHTEST possibility that Evan and Co are telling the truth. Notice how he has no original band guys left (I know 2 died). A LOT of musicians and other celebrities have said he's a terrible person. Just makes me think. I keep reminding myself that Evan & Illma impersonated a federal agent, but MM has to prove that. For all we know, he could be panicking.

Except the other guys don't hold grudges????

He and Twiggy split up because working together was starting to hurt their friendship, and they decided that it was worth more than making music together.

John 5 has stated that their fight onstage was widely misinterpreted and that he has no hard feelings toward Manson.

He and Tim Skold STILL work together sometimes.

Everyone else, it's a matter of creative differences. He's a constantly-changing artist. Every album is different, and when you join a band because you like its sound, but then it changes drastically and you're not into it anymore? That's a totally valid reason to leave.

I'm not going to say Marilyn Manson is easy to work with-- to begin with, I have no actual idea because i've never even met him once. But he's certainly some degree of narcissist, as all frontmen are. He has his ideas and wants them executed the way he envisions them. He's clearly able and willing to accept input from others, but i can bet it's only on his own terms. That can definitely be difficult and abrasive. I think he's the kind of person you have to choose your battles with very carefully if you care about maintaining a good creative/working relationship for a decent amount of time.

He has a history of saying and doing what he wants, sometimes for pure shock value, and there are definitely people who took it personally and never fucking got over it. I'm really not interested in the opinions of people who hold grudges that long over petty things and don't take a single second to consider if someone may have grown up and changed over the past 30-ish years.

As for love-bombing and such... That's only really valid if it was conscious and intentional. You can't accidentally manipulate someone. Having very intense feelings and expressing them in a very intense way isn't inherently malicious, but sure, I can understand how it might make someone feel trapped, if they have someone expressing that all of a sudden you're the center of their world and the one thing holding it all together. That's scary, but frankly I don't think it's INTENDED to be. That's worth taking into consideration, I think. You can have an unhealthy way of thinking about love without it being purposely malicious. Should it be corrected? Yes! Should the person be treated on the same level as a habitual, conscious abuser? Absolutely not.

#Pogo is an exception but also Pogo is a little bitch

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ificouldhelpyouforget · 3 years ago

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Oddinary Song Review

Aight. I've had all day to listen the album. I took notes while listening at work, but I've had a few extra thoughts about some songs, so this might be a mess. My review is under the line! :) Fair warning, I talk about Felix a lot. Lol

Venom: – Seungmin's voice as always is perfection! – Pew, pew, pew! – I can't get over how well Hyunjin's voice works with the song. He sounds amazing (I mention it in another song and will explain why I think it works). – The second the song dropped for the bridge, I knew Felix was coming and Changbin was going to be in the vicinity; it is a fairly predictable element of some of their songs (not that I'm complaining). – Unfortunately, the teaser made this song sound like it was going to hit so much harder than it does, but that's okay. It's still a bop and a great warm up into what follows. – I sorta get lost in who's singing/rapping simply because there's a lot going on. I pretty much recall Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Chan parts the most because they are more memorable. Again, I still love the song.

Maniac: – One of my top three from this album. Might make it's way up there to one of my top songs overall. I'm addicted to it. – The start gives me a Middle Eastern vibe that I love when I think of the entire song. It's different and makes the song unique (in my opinion). And the way it leads into the killer sound of the first verse. 😩 <- That's a good emoji. – Felix's voice. That's it (this is seriously what I wrote in my notes). – I seriously love I.N in this! You can almost hear the joy in his voice and I'm all about that. He's so adorable. – The way Felix and Hyunjin say "Frankenstein" is perfect. I'm addicted. – The bridge is a little off-putting amongst the amazing beats. It sorta feels like an excuse to get Seungmin's vocals in there (which are always top notch). I don't know. It's not bad, but doesn't quite fit like I would hope. Honestly, let's get some Seungmin rapping up in here! – Chan! That note! Ooh! – Honestly, I love Changbin's "haha" because it sounds like a drill and it's absolutely perfect for this song.

Charmer: – Another of my top three. I can't place it though. I love my top three too much to place them. – This one starts off feeling a lot more like traditional Asian music (generalizing) even though the song makes me think of a snake charmer (I think India has snake charmers, right?). – "You can't resist it;" yeah, no I can't when Felix is saying it breathlessly in my ears later on in the song. 🥴 – Every single whistle reminds me of Assassin's Creed. It makes me pause just for a second every time. – "Ppiripparappiri baem!" This part just perfect when Felix does it. I'm biased (on another listen, I'm unsure if the first time is actually Felix because I'm horrible at picking voices out most of the time). – GET IT CHANGBIN! – That bassy beat is ooh! – Hyunjin's voice is also perfection in this song (again, I explain later). – "Imma cha-MAH," although this is starting to sound like "trauma" with how often I've heard it today. 😂 – Seungmin's little vocal fry in the bridge is something I didn't realize I needed. He really has such incredible control over his voice. Wow. – Felix holding out that 's' sound at the end to complete the snake charmer vibe the song gives me. 😍

땡Freeze: – Changbin's start with Felix and Han following is always a solid choice. – Again, I love Seungmin's voice in this AND Lee Know shines, too! 😍 – "ddang" – Sometimes Chan's voice is perfectly full for his parts and it is as true as ever for this. Gosh. What's it like to have that voice? – I'm so ready to blast this song in my car. It'll fall apart with the dubstep/trap sound since it's so tiny. 😂 – Chan's vocals truly are a gift I think Stays need more of and I also love how we seem to get a lot of Lee Know in this, which is a treat (I have the hardest time recognizing his voice for some reason, but I seem to notice it a lot more in this song).

Lonely St.: – We won't talk about how annoyed I am that "street" isn't spelled out (AP Style writing haunts me now that I work at a newspaper). – Rock vibes are life and the strength behind Changbin and Chan's voices is amazing; they really help grab attention before rolling into Felix's deep voice that is often hard to hear when it goes really deep (I'm sad that I honestly don't hear it as well I want to 😭). – Personally, I don't think Hyunjin and Lee Know's voices stand out well in the rock style only because they have softer voices, pure, in a sense. Han's voice is shining though! – Almost too short of a song. I could honestly do with some more!

피어난다(Waiting For Us): – Mad love for this song; they picked the best voices for this sorta song. – The soft guitar that leads into the soft rock sound as it goes on is so nice, a breath of fresh air these days. – Unf Chan's voice! And I.N's! I'm in love. 😍 – I get 90s teen rom com feels from that and I'm all about it. I actually pictured a few scenes from films I've seen. – Again, Seungmin is lead vocalist for a reason (Is it lead or main? Lead right? Sounds right)! – I just wrote, "Lee Know! Just Lee Know!" He's hitting hard this comeback. – The adlibs are life.

Muddy Water: – Also top three for a thousand reasons – I'm obsessed with the old record sounding 20s esque beginning. Obsessed. – Lofi sound (that no one has mentioned at all in all the reviews I've seen) with 90s style raps brought me back. I vibe with this song and rap songs are often skipped when I listen to them (sorry "We Go" and "The Tortoise and the Hare") – I can't begin to explain the love and adoration I have for Felix's voice in this. Holy shit (I laugh that I wrote that at work). – Hyunjin once again shining with his voice in this. I originally said it's whiny (in a good way), which is why it works, but on my way home from work I realized it's different. It's like an uncaring tone. Almost like he's lazy, but clearly not with him spitting fire. It's such a beautiful contrast from the rougher sounds of the other three voices. – Han popping off though! Ooh! – I seriously can't get over the lofi sound in the background. I'm utterly in love with this song.

Overall: Everyone was saying NOEASY is a no-skip album. I think that's incorrect (mostly because I often skip "Secret, Secret" and now just a majority of them). Oddinary is the no-skip album. Every song just hits different and hits right. Even the slowness of "Waiting For Us" isn't deserving of a skip (I'm not usually a fan of slower songs). I seriously can't get over this album. I got YouTube music for a free trial just to listen to the songs without ads and the annoyance of only being allowed to shuffle (not worth paying for Spotify right now and I used my free trial). That's how in love with this album I am. I can't wait to hold the physical album in my hands tomorrow (please be more reliable that USPS, Fedex!).

Thank you for reading my crazy long opinion of each individual song on this album. Enjoy your listens, y'all!

#stray kids #skz #oddinary #song review #venom #maniac #charmer #freeze #lonely st.#waiting for us #muddy water

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nessinborderland · 4 years ago

Text

Be Mine (05)

Pairing: Niragi x Reader / Chishiya x Reader

Genre: Smut, Angst, Fluff, Omegaverse

Word Count: 4.4k

Summary: You were able to stay unbounded throughout your life. You didn’t want an Alpha; you didn’t need one. You would rather die than to give yourself to some random male. But the man that saved your life thinks differently.

Warnings: Alpha/Omega, Dubious Consent, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Finger fucking, Rough Sex, Rough Kissing, Unprotected Sex, Creampie, Breeding, Pregnancy Kink, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Drama, Developing Relationship, Past Abuse, Scars, Death, Blood and Gore, Animal Death, Trauma, Bath Sex, Blood and Injury

Notes: Here is the so awaited chapter nº5! It’s pretty much just Niragi’s funeral, but I think you’re gonna enjoy it either way :) I’m kidding lol, there’s no funeral. Also if ya'll want some music recs, I had Kai's first mini-album on repeat as I was writing this chapter. Is just so damn good. Enjoy <3

AO3 Link Masterlist

“He’s dead,” Chishiya says like he’s announcing the weather. It’s so cold and impersonal that you feel yourself getting angry at him. It doesn’t last more than a second though; his words hit you like a ton of bricks. He can’t be dead; you would feel it. You don’t know how or why, but you would know. Your legs go weak again under you, but this time you lean against a stone pillar. That’s where you absently notice you’re on the front steps of a big red house.

“N- no,” you gulp, trying to control the tears that threaten to fall. No, he can’t be dead. “You’re lying…” you whisper that last part.

He just looks at you for a moment, without saying a word, before walking to an information board you haven’t noticed before. A card is stuck to the board by a pin. The Ten of Spades. He takes it and approaches you before putting the card in your hoodie’s pocket. Then he speaks.

“Why would I be lying, Y/N?” his tone is so condescending. Anger rises inside you again. “And why do you care so much?”

“Why do I care?...” you repeat his question to yourself. Why do you care? You don’t know. You barely know Niragi. But he saved you and was weirdly sweet to you on your first night together and he...you...you just care. You’re like eighty-five percent sure that this is your wolf talking, but you don’t care either way, “I’m going to find him,” you say as you practically drag yourself down the stone steps, cursing your injured foot.

“No, you’re not. Stop,” the order makes you stop on instinct, and your mind fogs for a moment. Your eyes go wide as you realize what he’s trying to do.

“Fuck you,” you hiss in his direction, “Go manipulate someone else.” You turn and continue limping down the path. You hear a growl, and he’s suddenly in front of you, now back in his wolf form. His teeth are bare, but you ignore him and walk right past him. “If you’re not going to help, just go away,” you say over your shoulder. “I will find him and bring him back by myself.”

You can’t hear him behind you anymore, but you can smell him close by. You ignore his scent to focus on Niragi’s, trying to find your way back to where you last saw him. You groan in pain at your ankle; it hurts more at every step. The blood seeping through your makeshift bandage doesn't make walking any easier.

You finally catch his scent and try walking faster. Part of you is thankful for the park lights that are now on, almost giving the impression of daylight; it makes the path so much easier to walk through. The con is that you can also undoubtedly see the bodies and blood. You see them everywhere in the open field you were just moments ago; animal and human. It's a bloodbath. You ignore the blood, and the ripped limbs, and the open wounds.

“Niragi!” you can’t help but scream when you see him.

He’s face down on the ground, still in his human form, like he had tried to crawl before passing out. You ignore the possibility that he might be dead. You finally get to him, falling on your knees to assess his condition. He’s covered head to toe in blood, and you hesitate to touch him. You’re afraid to hurt him more if you try to move him.

“Niragi?” you call in a trembling voice, “Niragi, can you hear me?”

No answer.

“I told you he was dead,” Chishiya says, right behind you. You ignore him and finally touch Niragi’s skin. He’s warm to the touch; way too warm to be considered dead. A grunt coming from him startles you.

“Oh my God! ” you exclaim, maybe a little too loudly, “Niragi, can you hear me? Can you move?”

“That’s just gas leaving the body,” Chishiya again, “C’mon, let’s go.” You roll your eyes and keep ignoring him, focusing on what matters.

Niragi’s hand moves as he grunts again, this time louder, and you realize he’s trying to talk.

“What-”

“Stop saying I’m dead-” he turns his head to the side, and you can finally see his face as he mumbles. “You fucking dog-... I hope you get leishmaniasis-... and die.”

You can’t help the sudden laugh that leaves your lips before you can stop it; people dying don’t talk like that. He opens one eye at hearing you, and you see his brow furrow even with all the blood on his face.

“Me dying is funny to you?” he asks in a croaky voice.

You shake your head and quickly wipe the tears that had started to fall. “No, I- I’m just glad you’re alive.” You turn to face Chishiya, a stern expression on your face “Will you help me, or I will have to do it by myself?”

The man rolls his eyes and grunts, before turning back into a wolf without a word. You help Niragi onto Chishiya’s back, ignoring the wolf’s snarl and the man’s constant complaints. You think most of the bleeding has stopped, but you still fear the open wounds, especially the arrow that made one on his chest. Thankfully, it had hit far from the heart and lungs. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t cause for concern.

You finally got to the front gates without much difficulty; Chishiya had dropped Niragi only once, and you considered that a win. Your own injured leg shot pain through you every step, but Niragis' condition put that out of your mind. You noticed the bundle of clothes both of them had left on the ground before turning, so you limped to grab them before joining them by the car. You also get Niragi’s rifle as you pass by the entrance. You put it in the trunk before helping Niragi inside. Chishiya turns back and puts on his clothes before getting in the car without a word.

“My shirt?” Niragi asks as you’re about to close the car door.

“Oh- Oh right,” you forgot he was naked. You didn’t think you could possibly get him dressed in his state, but it’s obvious he wants to cover up. You pass him the shirt and stare in confusion as he puts it on instead of covering himself. “Niragi, you shouldn’t-”

“I don’t give a fuck if anyone sees my dick,” he says with a grunt as he tries to pass his injured arm through the armhole. You’re about to say something when it hits you; his back. Of course, he doesn’t want anyone to see it. You nod and take off your jacket, now in only your swimsuit top, and cover him with it. He looks at you but says nothing. Lucky for you, you’re able to cover your own back with a scarf before Chishiya notices.

You drive back to the Beach in silence. Chishiya drives as you sit next to him, absently biting the nail of your thumb. Finally seated, you addressed your own injury. The holes the trap made were deep and still bleeding. You can hardly move your ankle now the pain has set. You hear Niragi moan in pain in the backseat as the car runs over bumps that Chishiya purposefully ignores. Besides that and the occasional sigh, the air is filled with awkward silence. Now that the game and fear and adrenaline has passed, you know that is only a matter of time before they’re at each other’s throats again.

You let out a sigh of relief when you get into the Beache’s parking lot. Chishiya is out of the car and gone before you can even say a word to him. Well, it seems like his generosity has come to an end. You sigh and get out of the car, helping Niragi get out as best as you can. He tries to stand by himself, but his mangled foot quickly gives up on him. You both almost fall before three militants nearby see you and decide to help. He looks on the brink of passing out, and his skin burns like it’s on fire.

“Take me to my room,” he says to the men in a faint voice. You’re about to say something against it; he needs special medical care. He stops you like he knows what’s going through your mind. “I don’t-... I don’t need no nursing student-... putting his hands on me. Room.”

You limp behind them in silence, wondering if he will want you in his room. Probably not, but you’ll at least leave his gun there before passing out in your bedroom. You fear a fight, but you’re honestly too tired for that. You do feel guilty for sleeping with Chishiya, but Niragi is at fault here too. He left you alone and purposely ignored you for a damn week. Besides, it’s not like you can control any of it; not anymore. Whatever self-control you had over your wolf seemed to have evaporated the moment Niragi’s hands were on you that first time.

You stand by the door as the men lay him on the bed before he orders them to leave. You lean his gun against a corner and stand there for a moment, considering what to do next. It doesn’t take you long before you decide. You leave the room and walk around the hotel until you find what you need, returning to his room with arms full of medical supplies, a basin, and some clean rags. His eyes are on you as soon as you open the door, a surprised expression on his face. It’s quickly replaced by a scowl.

“What’re you doing here?” he asks. You ignore his tone and focus on organizing the stuff you brought on the bedside table.

“You say you don’t want a specialist looking after you, so you’ll have to settle for me,” you answer as you limp towards the bathroom to fill the basin with warm water. You can feel his eyes on your back as you wait for the bowl to fill. Going back to his side, you start cleaning his skin, starting with his face. You don’t even try cleaning and detangling the mess that is his hair. You keep your gaze on specific points of his face, avoiding his eyes. You’re actually surprised he hasn’t tried to stop you. You clean his face until the water is pink, the gash on his forehead now clearly visible. It has stopped bleeding, the fast Alpha healing clear in the way the wound has started to scab. You stand up to change the water, and again his eyes are following you as you walk to the bathroom.

“How’s your ankle?” you hear him faintly ask over the sound of running water.

“It’s going to heal,” you answer as you go back to his side. You move to unbutton his shirt, but his hand lightly grabs your wrist. Your eyes lock. His eyes have a strange shine to them, and you wonder if he has a fever. By his body temperature, you wouldn’t doubt it. “Can I open it?”

He stares at you for a moment before nodding. You resume unbuttoning his shirt, opening it to reveal his chest. You keep doing the methodical task of rubbing his skin clean, barely noticing when he falls asleep. There are several lacerations and bite marks all over his chest and sides, but those seem to be healing properly too.

You also notice, to little surprise, that he has several tattoos adorning his pale skin; a tangle of thorns rise from his hip to his ribs, a single black rose in the middle of the artwork; an open winged raven stares at you from his pectorals, the kanji for power in the eyes of the animal; a smaller tattoo of a howling wolf marks his hip. They’re beautiful, and you wonder what their exact meaning is. It’s a shame that they will be covered in scars when he’s finished healing. You wonder if he has more tattoos on his body.

An hour goes by before you finish cleaning and bandaging his front. His foot is by far the worst injury, and you wonder for a moment if he will be able to use it again at its full capacity. You haven’t tried to take off his shirt or turn him around; you know he probably wouldn’t want that. Your eyes are heavy, and you almost doze off several times. You cover him with a blanket and stand up to clean things up. Your now swollen ankle reminds you you have yet to care for it, so that’s what you do, after making sure that Niragi hasn’t stopped breathing in his sleep.

You crash beside him with a tired sigh, eyes closing as soon as your head hits the mattress.

You wake up hours later, startled by the sound of hushed voices right next to you. You stay still, hoping they won’t catch on the fact that you’re now wide awake.

“I know it was you,” Niragi’s voice, faint and rough, “You pushed me into that fucking trap.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chishiya. “All I did was play the game.”

“So now what, you’re here to wish me a fast recovery or to finish the job?”

“Just came to check on her.” You can feel both of their gazes on you. You know they know that you’re awake, but neither of them says anything about it. You hear Niragi exclaim a rushed ‘hey’ and some rustling. “And to get this,” Chishiya adds. You know he’s talking about the card, still in your jacket pocket.

“She’s never going to be yours,” Niragi says in such a low tone you can barely hear him. You can feel the growl in his chest vibrating the mattress. “So fuck off my room.”

“Hmm, guess we’ll see about that,” Chishiya says in his usual unbothered tone. You hear him as he walks away and gently closes the door behind him. Niragi shifts next to you with a grunt of pain. You can feel the heat radiating from him in waves.

You stay still for a few more moments, trying to understand their conversation. Had Chishiya really tried to kill Niragi? You wouldn’t doubt it, but still, the idea scared you; he had been so close to succeeding.

You realize something. These are dangerous men; of that, you have no doubt. You’re sure that if it wasn’t for you being an Omega, they wouldn’t think twice about hurting you badly or even kill you. In what mess did you get yourself into? Why these two, of all the Alphas in the world?

“Why did you fuck him?” Niragi’s question breaks you out of your thoughts. You say nothing for a beat or two, before shrugging.

“For the same reason I fucked you, I guess,” you say with a sigh, “I couldn’t control my wolf from getting what she wanted,” he says nothing for several moments, so you decide to just say what else is on your mind. “He also was there when I needed. These guys were messing with me and he just...he was there. I- I did try talking to you several times but you just kept avoiding me so… when Chishiya appeared I… I didn’t even think twice, to be honest.”

“Would you bond with him?” he asks in a hesitant tone. This makes you turn to him. His eyes are focused on the ceiling, and you notice how heavy his breathing is.

“No,” you say without a second thought, “If I’m going to be bonded with someone, it’s not going to be with him,” it’s true. You really don’t want to be bonded with that man; not after how he acted with you. “Not if I have any say in it.” Which you fear you may not have. But you don’t want to put that into words.

Niragi takes a deep breath and nods, before closing his eyes again. His fists are closed by his side, and you know he’s trying to control his emotions, whatever they may be. He opens his eyes after some time and locks his eyes on you. They still have that weird shine to them.

“Would you bond with me?” he asks before you can ask how he’s feeling.

“I- I don’t know,” you really don’t. You don’t know anything about him, and you have the feeling that you wouldn’t like him even if you knew him better. “We don’t know each other. The last thing I want is to be bonded to someone I’m incapable of loving. I know everyone thinks I must be insane for refusing to accept my own biology but I- I would rather die than make my future children go through the same shit I went through.”

Niragi just hums in response, processing your words.

“Love is a myth.” he finally says, “The faster you accept your nature and that little fact, the easier life will be for you.” He moves to sit up, before making a sound of pain and falling back down on the mattress, “Fuck-”

“Don’t move!” you order, afraid he will just hurt himself further, “What do you need?”

“I’ll be damned if I need your help to take a piss,” he tries to sit up again, grunting as he successfully rests his back against the wall, “I’m not a fucking invalid.” You ignore his words and stand up to support him as he slowly makes his way to the bathroom.

You’re waiting on the other side of the door when you hear a sudden ‘thud’ from inside. You open the door to see Niragi on the floor, curses streaming from his lips as he tries to stand up. You run to his side, but his hand swats at you.

“I can stand up by myself, goddammit,” he mumbles to you. He suddenly drops against you with a groan. You start to panic; his skin is damp and hot as a furnace.

“Niragi, you have a fever,” you try to think of what to do, and your eyes fall on the jacuzzi bathtub in a corner of the large bathroom. “C’mon, I’m going to give you a cold bath.”

“No- Don’t you try to bathe me...damn woman,” he says, still trying to stand up by himself. You sigh and half-drag him half-support him to the bathtub. You lean him against the wall as you turn on the faucets, trying to get the perfect water temperature. You move to take off the bandages you had put on him just hours before, leaving only the one on his foot. He’s still naked except for his black and white shirt, just like the one he had given to you. You try to take it off of him, but he vehemently shakes his head no.

“Don’t- don’t you fucking try to take this off me,” he manages to say, eyes closed as he takes labored breaths. You don’t even think twice as you take the scarf off your shoulders and pull down your swimsuit, turning so your naked back is in full view to him.

“My father did this to me when I was eleven years old,” you talk fast, and your voice trembles, but you still force yourself to say the words. “He was drunk all the time, and I did something that made him mad, and he snapped.” you pull your swimsuit back up and turn around to face him. “I’m not asking to see your back or for you to tell me how you got them, I just want to put you in that goddamn bath! I couldn’t care less about your scars!” you’re not being completely honest, but your words apparently work. Niragi’s scowl lightens a bit, and he gives you a small consenting nod. You brush off the knot in your throat, focusing on getting him undressed of that crusty bloody shirt before helping him get in the tub.

He gasps as his trembling body hits the water, teeth chattering as he grips the side of the tub which so much force that his knuckles turn white. You take that time to focus on cleaning the rest of his body, including his matted hair, the water immediately turning pink. He visibly flinches when the rag touches his back, before leaning forward to give you better access.

You can’t help but look; of course you can’t. While your scars are just a slash of claws that go from shoulder to hip, his are...messy. They cover his whole back from shoulder to tailbone, some fine and silver, others wide and red. You have a sudden urge to cry, but hold it in; you know he wouldn’t react well to pity. Not that you pity him; not exactly. It’s more like it triggers your memories of the happening, and you remember how much it had hurt; how much that had been a turning point in your life. How much it still hurts, even though they’re no longer open wounds. You fear it’s the same for him.

You can’t resist passing a light finger over one of the deeper scars. You hear him gasp before fully accepting your touch. The sensation of your skin against his never loses that spark of electricity, doesn’t matter how many times you touch him.

“You smell like him,” he snaps. You can’t place his tone, but his sudden reaction makes you freeze and widen your eyes. His hand grabs your wrist, and he pulls you slightly against him. You have to brace yourself not to fall inside the large tub. “Get in here,” he orders. Your surprised expression is replaced by a raised brow; he sure sounds good enough to order you around now.

“I’m not getting in there,” you say as you try to release yourself from his grip.

“Oh yes you are, you fucking stink,” he retorts, pulling you even closer.

“How dare- “

You’re falling in the cold water bath before you can finish your sentence. He grunts in pain as you fall on top of him, and you don’t know if you should worry or be happy about it. His hands go to your hips as you try to get out, pressing you against him.

“You idiot, you’re going to open your wounds!” you decide to worry. You put your hands on his shoulders for support, and you notice you’re now nose to nose.

“I don’t care,” Niragi says, eyes locked on yours. “I just can’t stand you smelling like him anymore.” he tugs at your shorts, “Take this off.”

“Niragi, no,” you say as you try once again to get out of his grasp, “You’re sick and this water is dirty from your blood. I’m not bathing in here”

“I want you to smell like me,” he says like he hasn’t heard you. “Take it off or I’ll take them off for you.”

“Niragi-”

“I’m not repeating myself,”

You comply after a moment of consideration, sighing as you struggle to take off your wet shorts. His body is still hot under you, and that’s what’s stopping you from shivering in the cold water. There’s an uncomfortable moment where you just stay there, straddling him and so close to his face that you can see the specks of gold in his dark eyes.

Then he’s kissing you, and you’re kissing him back with as much ferocity. His hands rise from your hips to the straps of your swimsuit, and you let him pull them down to reveal your breasts. His mouth is on them in seconds, pierced tongue playing with one of your nipples as a hand gropes the other. Your arms go around him, pulling him closer as you moan in his ear. It feels so good. You can feel the growing wetness in your cunt as he keeps sucking on you, his hardening member pressing against your center.

You desperately want him. You don’t even try to fight it. You just want him in you as fast as you can. His mouth never leaves your breasts, but his hand moves down, pushing your swimsuit to the side. He’s inside you with a swift push, and you almost scream at the stretching sensation; he makes you feel so unbelievably full. You start moving almost immediately, chasing that indescribable sensation of pleasure that he provides.

Your joined moans echo in the large bathroom, mixing with the sound of skin splashing on water. The tip of his cock hits your g-spot at every thrust, the angle only allowing him to fuck you even deeper. Neither of you speaks, involved in each other’s embrace, lips kissing and sucking every inch of skin you can reach on each other.

You know you shouldn’t be doing this; you’re both injured, exhausted, and you had fucked a different guy just the day before. But none of that matters. You’ve been wanting this since the first time he came in you.

“You feel so good inside me,” you can’t help but moan as you ride him. You can feel your orgasm growing, your pussy clenching around him every time you impale yourself on his shaft. He just kisses you harder in response, tongue pressing against yours as you moan into his mouth.

Your orgasm hits you like a wave, the pleasurable sensation running over you from head to toe. You lean against him, your limbs feeling like jelly. He’s coming inside you not long after, teeth grazing the skin of your neck, so close to your marking spot that you think you can come just from that. You whine in satisfaction at the warm sensation his cum leaves inside you.

Neither of you moves for several minutes, gathering your breath while still connected and in each other’s arms. You don’t want to move; it feels too good. It feels right. You’re also extremely tired, and your eyes soon close, lulled by the fast beating of his heart under your palm. You doze off for a moment, before the feeling of his fingers on your back jerks you awake. You tense for a moment before relaxing to his feathery touch; his fingers are so soft.

“Now you smell like me,” he says in a gruff voice. There’s undoubted satisfaction in his tone.

You smile, snuggling even more against him.

Maybe Niragi isn’t such a bad choice.

Next Chapter

#alice in borderland #alice in borderland fanfic #niragi suguru #niragi fic #niragi x reader #chishiya shuntaro #also on ao3

307 notes · View notes

rreyie · 4 years ago

Text

snk/aot characters when being comforted 🥺

warnings: suggested violence/trauma, some “no regrets” spoilers, anime spoilers

characters: levi, eren, armin, reiner

a/n: yes i know i’m just doing the guys again but if it’s requested i’ll do the girls too!! this is all mainly just a lot of fluff lol. if there’s any other characters y’all want me to do then feel free to ask for the ask box is OPEN!

⚔️ LEVI ACKERMAN ⚔️

out of everyone on this list, levi needs a good old comforting the most.

he’s watched his friends and commanders die, and he doesn’t get too close to anyone in fear of him getting attached and then that person dying on him

you realize what he’s been through after hange gives you a quick talk on why levi is like how he is

you feel unimaginable sorrow for this poor man... he’s watched everyone he loved die, it only makes sense for him to act so shut out from the world

you walk right up to his office, and burst in the door without even asking

“hey brat, don’t you know how to knock-“

he’s cut off by you wrapping him in a giant bear hug, the first one he’s felt in decades.

he is disgusted at first, confused on what was happening, and attempted to wiggle away. but he soon realized that you weren’t letting go.

he started to like the unfamiliar sensation of the hug you had completely encased him in. he hugged you back, gently placing his hands on your back.

“oi... what’s up with this, y/n” he asked, and you attempted to pull away from the hug he had trapped you in

but NO you couldn’t move. this man would not let you go

“it’s a way of saying...i’m here to stay. and i’m not going to leave you. i’ll stay alive for you.”

you feel a bit of wetness on the crook of your neck, which is where levi rested his head on. you realized he had shed a tear.

“levi are you crying? are you ok-“ “NO NO IM N-NOT IM FINE”

his voice started to crack, and his tear turned into many, and he started to quietly sob.

you directed him to the small velvet sofa in his office, and let him lay on your lap and just let it all out :(

he BEGGED you not to tell anyone that he shed a couple tears

that day that you hugged him is still thought about by him... you even turned him into a cuddle addict

⚔️ EREN YEAGER ⚔️

he’s touch starved.

he’s too busy putting up his “manly” facade to even think about his own emotions

he wants to be there for you and the rest of the cadets, sometimes putting himself in physical danger so you could live

you were laying with him on his bed, looking through an old photo album you found in the basement, littered with faded pictures of grisha and zeke when they were younger

“i can’t believe that my father hid this from me my whole life”, he said. “why would he do this? why couldn’t he just let the world know?”

his anger towards his father was bitter, stronger now than ever

“and why... why did all this bad stuff have to happen to me?! i saw everyone die! i couldn’t do anything about it like the weak bastard i am!”

you saw a small tear splatter into a photo with diane, grisha and zeke

“eren, are you okay?” “yeah... just a little choked up but don’t worry about me!”

his cheeks began to look flushed, his eyes glistening

you knew eren didn’t really like physical contact that much because he wasn’t used to it, but your instinct to comfort him became too strong

you wrapped him in a tender hug, his eyes wide with shock.

he started to sob, his cries growing louder by the minute

he held you tighter than you held him, he really just wanted someone to hang on to

even though you two weren’t dating at the time, you pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, the kiss reminding eren of his mother all too much

his sobs were now the equivalent of how hard he cried when he saw hans get eaten alive

“hey...” you say with a soft tone in your voice, and you guide erens head to meet yours, your eyes making contact.

“you’re safe now, eren. i’m holding you, and i won’t let anything hurt you. you can let all the anger out now.”

he looked at you, his green eyes vibrant with distress. his face was red, multiple tears dripping down his face.

“and don’t ever, ever say that you’re weak again. you’re one of the strongest guys i’ve ever met. you’ve discovered a key to humanity’s victory! you’re a leading part in our battle!”

eren managed to grin a little bit, pulling you back in for a hug. you kiss his forehead again, eren greatful for your touch. he even managed to kiss you on your cheek, which made you blush at the sight :)

⚔️ ARMIN ARLERT ⚔️

okay... even though armin didn’t have a really bad childhood, the events he lived through with working with the scouts and cadets really put a toll on him

he’s a nervous wreck now

it was a night you two were sharing the same bed where you woke up to hear armin screaming bloody murder

you quickly turn over to check on the blonde boy, him shaking frantically, his cries loud.

“armin! are you okay? did anyone hurt you?”

he’s trembling so much he can’t even get a word out of his mouth

“armin you’re fine... see? it’s just me, you and this big ol bed of ours!”

armin finally managed to make sense of his words

“y-you’re alive? after being e-eaten by a titan?”

“armin what titan?” “the one you were just crushed by?”

you were puzzled and confused. “you had a bad dream, love. i’m alive and okay.”

his breathing starts to slow down and he just... wraps you in a giant hug, a gentle one tho

you hug him back, feeling his sobs quiet down and his tears start to dry

for the rest of the night, you two cuddle up and spoon, and no matter how hard you try to get up in the morning, he will NOT let you go

⚔️ REINER BRAUN ⚔️

poor guy has been through so much... between losing his best friends, seeing his home getting burned down by the eldians, trying to off himself, he’s been through the works

similar to eren hes so busy putting up that tough guy face that he abandons his own needs

you find him in his room during that one scene where he’s got a rifle in his mouth ready to end it all

“hey reiner pieck said that she needs you to sign these- uh what are you doing?”

he slowly turns to you, his eyes dull, hair messy, and slowly takes out the rifle and puts it on the ground

“i’m so done with this world, everything we’ve done isn’t getting us anywhere. i’m just holding you all back. i’ll make use of myself by making myself into titan fodder...”

you drop that important stack of papers at your feet and rush to hug this drained man

his face turns red, not knowing what exactly to do in this moment

he hugs you back extremely tightly- he’s like a giant teddy bear that craves affection

you press a little kiss to his cheek and if the hug didn’t make him red already...

“reiner, you have never been a burden to us and never will be. we need you to succeed...”

from this day on he expects a lot more hugs from you so BE PREPARED

maybe even the occasional kiss ;)

these were kind of sad to write but also v cute in some areas... anyway the ask box is open to leave suggestions for more posts!! love you all!!

#aot hcs #aot headcanons #snk #attack on titan #reiner braun #eren yeager #snk levi #levi ackerman #armin arlert #snk fluff

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mostlysignssomeportents · 4 years ago

Text

Ad-tech's algorithmic cruelty

The wife of one of my elementary school teachers once delivered a full-term, stillborn baby. It was a great tragedy, but far worse came in the months and years that followed, as direct-marketers bombarded them with pitches that tracked the progress of their dead child.

College-savings plan ads, ads for baby food, annual birthday notices - the whole thing running on autopilot as marketers pursued the Procter & Gamble "lifecycle marketing" playbook that targets the turning points in customers' lives, like parenthood.

This got automated. In 2014, Eric Meyer coined the term "inadvertent algorithmic cruelty" to describe his experience of Facebook's "memories" feature, which bombarded him with pictures of his young daughter on the anniversary of her death.

http://meyerweb.com/eric/thoughts/2014/12/24/inadvertent-algorithmic-cruelty/

Meyer called it "inadvertent," but there's a strong argument to drop that and simply call it "algorithmic cruelty." Facebook *should* have known that promoting "high-engagement" posts would end up retraumatizing people on the anniversaries of the worse moments in their lives.

And if the company didn't realize it in 2014, they certainly knew about it after, and did not stop. In 2018, Patrick Gerard wrote about how Facebook commemorated his mother's death with a video of animated characters literally dancing on her grave.

https://twitter.com/PatrickGerard01/status/1031920228098355200

Algorithmic cruelty spread to other platforms: for example, Google's smart address book began adding women's stalkers to their speed-dials, sensing a high degree of mutual interactivity:

https://www.wired.com/story/the-problem-with-your-chatty-apps/

The problems of algorithmic cruelty - the predictable ghastliness of a fire-and-forget system of idiotic, automatic cheer - have long been a feature of science fiction.

Think of Bradbury's classic "There Will Come Soft Rains," where an empty house cheerfully greets its dead owners with their daily routine after a nuclear war has killed nearly every living thing.

https://www.btboces.org/Downloads/7_There%20Will%20Come%20Soft%20Rains%20by%20Ray%20Bradbury.pdf

Or David Marusek's pioneering, haunting story "The Wedding Album," about the AI avatars of a couple, created to commemorate their wedding day, outliving the couple and haunting virtual spaces for thousands of years:

https://gumroad.com/davidmarusek

Or Sarah Gailey's instant classic 2018 short story STET, which recounts a particularly horrific sort of algorithmic cruelty in the editorial notes on a scholarly paper about a self-driving car wreck:

https://firesidefiction.com/stet

None of these warnings were heeded. Indeed, algorithmic cruelty - incubated in primitive direct marketing, supercharged by social media - made the jump *back* to ad-tech, in a form that is thousands of times more virulent than its prehistoric paper-based ancestor.

Writing in Wired, Lauren Goode describes the ad-tech algorithmic cruelty trap she found herself in: eight years ago, she called off her wedding. Today, she is still bombarded with messages that track the progress of a marriage that never happened.

https://www.wired.com/story/weddings-social-media-apps-photos-memories-miscarriage-problem/

These are the product of the "memory monetization machine," which surfaces your old social-media breadcrumbs as inventory for spot-market advertising auctions: "This user got married eight years ago, who will pay me top dollar to show them an ad?"

Naturally, this has all the failure modes of social memory monetization - the dead children and parents, and commemorations of other traumas - but with ad-tech's nonconsensual, eternal torture: you can quit Facebook, but you can't control these background processes.

Goode quotes Kate Eichhorn, whose book THE END OF FORGETTING describes how this nonconsensual external memory system disrupts the "memory editing" that is key to overcoming trauma for the most marginalized among us:

https://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674976696

Reading that, I was struck by the distance between the algorithmic cruelty of nonconsensual memory-surfacing, and my own powerful, hugely beneficial practice of combing through my own digital history, which is in a database under *my* control - my 20-year blog archive.

For a decade, I've started each day by looking at my posts from this day in the past - at first, it was #1yrago and #5yrsago - now I look back at #15yrsago and #20yrsago, and republish the elements that seem significant today. Here's yesterday's:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/05/zucks-oily-rags/#retro

I can't overstate beneficial this is: tracking my own predictions, concerns and aspirations over time is an incredible tonic for anxiety, a tool to refine and improve my goals, an empirical, external check on my memories and feelings about where I am and where I've been.

It's like a subspecies of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the process of writing down your worries and aspirations, then revisiting them after the fact to refine your understanding of when your intuition leads you true...or astray.

The difference between what I do and algorithmic cruelty isn't technology - it's control. I'm in charge not an unaccountable, nonconsensual algorithm.

As is often the case with tech issues, the important thing isn't what the tech does, it's who it does it *to* and *for*.

Indeed, thinking this through this morning made me realize how much I'd like to revisit my photos every day; I've got 20 years worth of them stashed on Flickr, where I was literally one of the first users:

https://memex.craphound.com/2018/04/21/family-owned-smugmug-acquires-flickr-rescuing-it-from-the-sinking-post-yahoo-ship/

I tried it this morning, but Flickr's tools remain incredibly primitive thanks to years of neglect under Yahoo's ownership. Its new owners, Smugmug, have been making great strides, but they have a LOT of technology debt to pay off.

But having manually pulled up photos from this day 5, 10, 15 and 20 years ago, I was absolutely delighted. I would welcome a Flickr change to made it simple to see pics from a given date - maybe by editing the URL itself (currently a mess!):

https://www.flickr.com/search/?text=&min_taken_date=1586156400&max_taken_date=1586242799

The point I'm trying to make here is that we shouldn't mistake the ability to revisit your past experiences and thoughts for algorithmic cruelty - the answer to this cruelty isn't to destroy our digital time-machines; it's to seize the means of computation.

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

#pluralistic

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