#i like leaving some things up to interpretation still
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Wait wait wait - XD
Mismag episode 7 spoilers
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[Prefacing this with I'm not angry nor judging anyone at the table - having no idea what their true thoughts on these things are, just pointing out how silly and perhaps purposefully 'missing the point' some of the characters are being played as]
Please tell me the adventuring party was Brennan still doing a bit about not understanding that Tabby was 100% directly mimicking Evan (even though it started out Evan realizing he was looking in a mirror, then idk if everyone just got lost in the sauce and that realization just got buried in the improv yes-anding far away from the starting point)
Brennan just screamed that Evan's vibes are RANCID!
Evan who just gave a whole speech about how he was emotionally crushed (and low-key judgy) about how Jammer said 'family on 6' but his single mom of 3 didn't adopt a troubled 17 year old whom she'd never met. Then feeling icky that a rock they've been traveling with and using for info wants to be a part of the friendship.
How the whole point of him wanting to be a dog was that people didn't get rid of you - they kept you and you didn't need to be explicitly useful for them to still want you. Then Tabby literally said the exact same thing - being afraid they'd leave him behind when they found the wall he was supposed to go in despite how useful he'd been with as much energy as he had with the magic and Evan POINT BLANK REFUSED TO PROMISE IT!! Despite Evan asking the same of his group of friends.
Claiming that Tabby was 'love bombing' them to get them to do what Tabby wanted, but not recognizing Evan does the same - then blames people for abandoning him even though none of them have.
AND THE PARALLELS WITH HOW EVAN TAPES OUT A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND TABBY HAS A LITERAL OUTLINE IN A WALL HE'S SUPPOSED TO DIRECTLY FIT INTO AND YET EVAN CLAIMS TO WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREAK OUT OF THAT 'NECESSITY' TO HAVE A PLACE WHERE YOU FIT AND JUST BE ABLE TO EXIST WITHOUT NEEDING TO FIT A SPECIFIC SHAPE/PURPOSE IN THE WORLD
How Evan only sees one way his 'needs' can be met - and that's with the group all living together with their themed rooms and adventuring forever (exactly what Tabby said) and getting really disregulated when the group wants to be in each other's lives in a different way - leading Evan to almost fully cut everyone off because they didn't fit in the small box of 'this is the way they'll show they love me', completely missing all the ways that they, too, get to be their own person and just because Evan isn't stitched to them at the hip doesn't mean they aren't a family.
Tabby is pretty clearly just becoming 'sentient' and he's mimicking what he's seeing around him - namely, Evan's desperate need to belong and be a part of something permanently
I have no idea how much of all that was a bit meant to highlight how Evan just can't clock that comparison (even though at the beginning of Tabby waking up fully he seemed to - and then promptly decided that instead of facing that in himself and extending some compassion and empathy to Tabby, he veered to a hard 'we need to destroy this thing that reminds me of how I behave') or how much was Brennan and Lou just getting lost in the sauce of how to interpret Tabby's every move into something bad, but I'm glad the fems and thems of the table called it out and acknowledged that's what was happening.
I really hope the next episode circles back on Evan's initial realization that Tabby was like looking in the mirror and that's how Evan is to be around and there will be some growth there instead of Evan and Jammer just teaming up to destroy Tabby. K dropped the line about making love sustainable which earned a knowing look from Aabria, so I hope that, since Evan was allowed to have his tirade against K (for good reason) episode 3, K will get to call Evan on his shit too.
I think it was a really smart design to have the motives be so explicit this season and at this point I'm very very interested in seeing how the different characters realize their motive, but also reach the point of understanding what they thought they wanted wasn't actually exactly what they need - Jammer realizing that 'teamwork' might need to be achieved differently from how he's been going about it, he might need to pivot. Evan realizing that 'belonging' doesn't mean everyone is with you all the time and constantly reassuring you they don't hate you, they can live their own lives without that meaning they've ditched you.
Idk, very rambly, but the last episode sparked so many ideas in me about how the characters can face themselves and grow due to the wonderful world, mechanics, and plot Aabria has set up.
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I know I said since s1 that the only thing that would make me truly stop watching the show is Bobby leaving because heās my favourite character and my favorite thing about the show is Buck and Bobby relationship.
I still think that. However, when I said it, I never imagined the show would break my heart so cruelly and out of nowhere.
I was disappointed by 911 many times before. I was disappointed when Buck and Abby got together in s1 because I thought it was creepy. I was disappointed by Hen cheating. I hated every single āBlue Lives Matterā storylines and there were many of them. I never rewatched season 5 because I couldnāt stand the show with half of the main cast gone. Donāt get me started on season 6, and how they treated what could be some potentially very powerful storylines as jokes (Madney Engagement, Eddieās loneliness, Buckās being a sperm donor). I thought I was done with the show after season 6 because I hated the āeveryone gets a nuclear familyā ending. I wanted buddie to happen and the 6x18 gave me the clear idea that it wasnāt gonna happen.
I came back every time because those stuff never felt malicious. And Iām a grown-up and I know some of them I didnāt like because of my own expectations and other simply didnāt cater to my taste.
but this time I did nothing wrong. I didnāt interpret colors and furniture like I did with buddie. I didnāt get my own hopes up about Buck getting some character growth like I did with the Sperm Donor storyline.
I interpreted the show at face value and they were the one who got my expectations up and they were the one who told me that Tommy was good for Buck and they were the one who told me Tommy was a good boyfriend. They were the one who showed me this lonely man who was only looking for a family and got very close to being incorporated into the showās found family. They were the one who clearly wanted me to care about the character and the relationship.
I donāt know if they changed their mind, if there were BTS issues, if they gave into the bullying and I honestly donāt care. This show broke my heart once again and I donāt care why it did it this time because for the first in 8 seasons it feels like it broke my heart on purpose and they did nothing to soften the blow.
I always came back because 911 was always very careful with the audienceās feelings and it always felt like it strived to be peopleās comfort show about whatās good about humanity and about showing up for each other, despite everything.
and this feels like the opposite of that, they got so many people invested in Tommyās happiness and in his relationship with Buck and then out of nowhere they took everything away. There was no sad ending and no happy ending, there was no ending, it was just interrupted.
and Iām sorry, I still love every character and I would love to see more of Bobby but i donāt watch shows that break their audienceās hearts on purpose. kudos for you if you do. but Iām not brave enough. life is already hard as it is.
#I donāt know if Iāll be still in fandom because I love so many people#But I feel so cheated on by the show I canāt stand it anymore#bucktommy#911 abc
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Am i blind for not seeing how Caitlyn manipulated Vi? I keep seeing this take and I donāt understand it. She hurt Vi in an inexcusable manner, both physically and emotionally by making classist implications in her angerā¦
But manipulation? If Caitlyn wanted to manipulate/ guilt-trip Vi into joining the enforcers or killing Jinx all she had to do was say āI had the shotā to Vi instead of her father. But she didnāt bring up the dinner at all or oil & water for that matter. In fact not only did she not blame Vi (initially) or guilt-trip her; Caitlyn blamed herself: āMy arrogance led me to take on more than i could handle and she paid the priceā. Thatās something someone like Vi who always blames herself and takes responsibility for everything really needed to hear so i was happy with it.
I think Caitlynās intentions were genuinely good throughout the first episode, both regarding Vi & the undercity but she still had the same flaws from season 1: thinking the enforcers are the āgood guysā here and there are just a few bad apples among them (i bet she probs thinks the ones who killed Viās parents were just bad apples lol) ; approaching some matters in an insensitive, entitled manner (springing the badge on Vi instead of having a conversation with her first about the reasons why she thinks itās the best recourseā¦ well at least she apologized for that ig)
I already feel like they pushed Caitvi in a terrible direction thatās hard to come back from in a satisfying wayā¦ i think if people willfully misinterpret ALL of Caitās actions in the worst possible light you guys really wonāt be happy w the ending bc thereās a point a relationship really canāt come back from in a healthy way. I doubt even now if it canā¦
I haven't used the word manipulative just yet because it's a pretty touchy thing with a specific meaning, but apparently you can be manipulative without knowing. She plays on vis emotions a lot, telling her wearing a badge is how she can show that she doesn't support jinx, which just isn't true. She doesn't need to wear one to show that. I'm not gonna blatantly say it's outright manipulative but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth nonetheless. And just blatantly enlisting vi after she explicitly said no and explained her trauma around enforcers is just...bleh. maybe distasteful more than manipulative but regardless it's just icky.
And yeah a lot of people think they're doing right but are actually just awful..."interpreting her actions in the worst possible light". How else am I supposed to interpret what she's done? She undid a ventilation system that gave the undercity clean air, she enlists vi after she said no, saying its easy to hate zaunites, is ready to get jinx even at the cost of a childs life, ffs she hits vi and leaves her there, it's bad, some of it downright corrupt. Apologizing to vi for springing the badge on her doesn't negate her bigoted attitude toward her and the entire undercity, it's not vis job to prove anything to her, especially if it ultimately means letting anyone get hurt at the cost of getting jinx. She sees vi as her possible example of what people of the undercity could be, and even that's fucked up, because once vi doesn't do things the way she wants she thinks she's "no different" than jinx or any other zaunite. I don't think they could have a healthy relationship with all this. I don't even want vi around her after all that tbh. I know it's gonna happen tho so I'll just see what they decide to do
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Sharing catman's quality tags:
#i want to type my tjoughts on this ship - how it actuqlly makes sense and how Dante probably loathes Sloth for taking Hoenhiem from her and
#in some way she finds pleasure in the fact that Sloth now finds herself to be the same/similar inhuman monster Hoenheim thought Dante and#her son (envy) was#and abandonded them for
#the ironics of th3 situation. And Sloth probably sees Dante as a master#a boss she cant disobey - a boss she wouldnt disobey because she has no reason to do so. i think Sloth would think of her abuse as a comfort
#in the sense that like
#āim not a human - so this must be what i deserve and therefore ill allow myself to get treated like this by the only person who i can deem#trusthworthyā
#or something???
#im not very good at ship analysis#but i like this ship now#you gave me brain worms RAHH
Your analysis is solid! And you're welcome for the brainworms (it's my purpose, to spread them like a plague š). The way these two orbit each other's respective familial collapse, and an almost mutual-monstrosity (with Dante genuinely being the truly horrid of the two) is a biiiiig draw for this ship imo.
For me, there's more:
The manipulation begins as soon as she finds Sloth dragging her broken new body behind the home Trisha once called her own. The confusion and sheer physical agony that Sloth had to have been in; barely able to ambulate, unable to communicate or assess the situation, in the darkness of a rainy night, frighteningly alone, every moment is seering pain:
And in comes Dante.
The first human in her scant few hours of existence to look upon her without revulsion. She offers aid, shelter, and she knows who is responsible for making her this way. Dante can articulate the source of Sloth's waking horror, and that feels like as good of an approximation of emotional resonance as Sloth has ever experienced. She's a pit of depression but this knowledgeable woman takes her in! And Dante would readily grind the facts of Sloth's tragic mis-creation into the homunculus while coating it in the veneer of tender faux-sympathy. Both out of her own sick, hateful shadenfreude as well as further planting the seed of Sloth's rejection of Trisha's children. Not because Sloth would have otherwise embraced them had it not been for Dante, but rather I think the mess of jumbled, tattered memories that were imparted onto her from Ed and Al (or that came with Trisha's soul; really depends on interpretation here) would form the rich soil of her disposition; Dante merely cultivates into a thriving garden. Sloth senses that those children have severely and permanently rejected her, wanted something or someone of her, and almost as soon as she was made into being they abandoned her. So Dante preys on this.
I also see it as: Sloth's rescue and eventual reformation into a functional humanoid physiology would tender her towards Dante. And Dante's a sicko who will not pass up the opportunity (perhaps mere novelty) of toying with her. Each step of her recovery and that feigned kindness Dante provides comes with metaphoric jabs against Sloth. That she owes Dante everything, that she's becoming such a pretty thing but is still a lowly homunculus, do you remember the pathetic relationship the woman you can never be had? The children that woman raised? Did that man ever care about you when he would so easily leave you behind (Dante keeping to herself the smug sneer of "He was with me longer, but I didn't break apart when he left either). You're a fraud: but doesn't it feel good when she brushes Sloth's hair? Cups her nearly-formed cheek? Strokes her newly healed shoulders? Smiles at her while congratulating her on her progress with each feeding, all while commenting on how 'animal' she finds Sloth's desperate devouring of those red stones. Sloth intuits that this should be humiliating but she finds no urge to rebuke what feels like (warped) affection. It's a poison she will passively allow into herself if it means Dante will keep her under her wing.
As a character Dante feels like an abusive monster adept at pressure cooking people into the roles she wants from them. Sloth doesn't care for having a purpose generally, but pleasing Dante gives her something that fills the abyssal ennui. She crumbles under the weight of what should have been, what once was. And since Dante despises Trisha, it feels like it fits into Sloth's refusal of Trisha as well.
I see Dante almost keeping Sloth as a prize. A win against Hohenheim. And with Sloth's ever-acquiescent demeanour, with the way Sloth will allow whatever Dante feels like doing (in general, to her, at her, against her, 'for' her) while still showing the subtlest signs of sorrow when Dante pushes the homunculus' depressive buttons too hard (but Sloth will still bend to her will without question or rebuke, such a good plaything she is) how could she not find sick satisfaction in treasuring* Sloth?
(*Treasuring meant in the most objectifying sense of the word.)
And how that all eventually clashes with Lust's growing sense of self-possession and eventual rebellion? The odd 'bond' Sloth and Lust formed prior to that, and how Sloth views not only Lust's immutable spine, but how that insults Dante in Sloth's eyes? Ouuughh! š¤
It's utterly fucked~
TOXIC. YURI.
#also thanks for the wonderful compliments on the art š#i got your ask re: mouthwashing#i haven't played it yet but i definitely plan on doing so!#i can't give your ask a quality response until i've played through it#but it's comin'!#dante#sloth#lust#fma 03#prev tag addition#addition#+my art+
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What do you think of Paul and John 's relationship in 1980? Personally, I think they had at least some sort of consensus of the relationship (I mean, a formal romantic relationship) in 1980, and I don't think Paul started thinking about the nature of the relationship after John's death, i think they both took it seriously in the'70s and decided that what they wanted from each other. It wasn't the Beatles anymore, it was John and Paul, but John's death stopped it.
I don't know what to make of John and Paul in 1980 to be perfectly honest. There's a lot of rumors and conjecture swirling around it like the Crazy Days and Nights post. A lot of the interpretations around 1980 are based in wishful thinking because no one wants to believe that John died without some sort of plan in mind with regards to Paul. The fact of the matter is that there's too much we don't know.
What we do know from the 1970s is that John and Paul's relationship really split down the middle and they didn't want anything to do with each other. They did still care about each other but they had pissed each other off too much. Paul did start reaching out in the mid-70s trying to talk to John but John, and especially Yoko, didn't want this contact. That's why John turned him away from the door when Paul tried to show up (alone!) with his guitar. John regretted that later but I don't think it's wrong to see their relationship as very dead in the water.
And the truth is that Paul didn't actually pursue John that much contrary to some bitching that took place last year in the fandom. Paul's heaviest overtures to John were when he was out of Yoko's immediate presence during the Lost Weekend and then when John went back, Paul kept him at a distance again. The communication eventually became infrequent phone calls (since many were blocked by Yoko on purpose) and that often turned into them shouting at each other. Paul eventually stopped calling John frequently and when he did he was careful to keep their conversations very light and stilted. Otherwise John would just get angry at him. Paul had other things going on in his life, he had to raise his children, be a husband, keep making music, and arrange tours.
I can imagine that John and Paul hooked up occasionally through out the 1970s but the truth is that when John said "leave me alone" Paul did.
I don't think John's last interviews wouldn't be so laden with regret towards Paul if they had something planned in the background.
Paul never forgave John for leaving The Beatles or for giving his life up to Yoko. He did want John back in his life and away from her once Paul realized what she was doing to him, but I don't believe that he was willing to stick his neck out again for John's sake. He didn't know what he was going to get in response. I would think that's why they booked the studio in January 1981, to see if they could operate with one another on neutral ground. But that was a test balloon.
It's possible they did have something happening in the background but John seems too torn up about Paul in 1980 for me to really believe that. He was actively trying to leave Yoko but I think he would have been in the wind a bit if he had, Paul wasn't riding to his rescue this time. And he was right not to.
We just don't know enough to make any firm pronouncements about 1980. Whatever John wanted from Paul it was vague and undefined because they were rebuilding their relationship from rubble. Paul was wary around John and trying to figure out if he could really trust him this time.
Idk I just don't get the "we are together again" vibes from everything that was happening in the Dakota at the time.
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I always wondered how the main trio who witnessed Ogata's death interprets this whole chain of events.
Like he's been pursuing them for months. He is so determined and aggressive in his pursuit that he has never failed to show up where they are.
And by the end, they know him well enough that they're not even surprised to see him show up on the same train. Because of course he would locate this train, then climb onto the moving train from horseback and then show up and start fighting them. For some reason that they don't even yet understand.
Like in the last dozen chapters or so, from the perspective of the trio:
1. Ogata is incredibly determined and wandering off and just giving up on the hunt is not an option for him. Even he's lost an eye and runs nearly naked on horseback into the Russian winter, he will find his way back to them.
2. They still have no idea what he wants. What he's after. And they never actually find out.
3. He's incredibly determined the to survive. After being shot with the arrow he uses the sword to dig the arrowhead out of his own liver to save himself.
4. And then he starts to scream at nothing on the train while Asirpa, Sugimoto and Shiraishi watch on in confusion.
And while they can't hear his internal monologue, they can hear what he's physically saying, like all of this:
It's about killing someone, his mom's funeral and guilt etc. He's also very clearly having some sort of conversation. And then he turns the gun on himself.
Like this must be incredibly confusing for all the people watching. There wasn't any time to reflect on it, but after the whole thing was over, I wonder what they thought about it.
Why did he participate in this whole gold hunt for over a year, and go as far as to show up on the train, only to kill himself. They've always known him as a rational guy that is smart, good at strategy, resilient and persistent and....What the hell happened here?
Like obviously, to the reader, his actions make perfect sense. But to these characters, I wonder the confusion of this leaves a lasting impression on them..... all of these things he went through, only to kill himself, and they still have no idea what he was even after in the first place.
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this is going to sound so conceited because no one asked, but i wanted to share my ādirectorās cutā early because i wrote this down at the same time that i was writing that scene :)
ā we actually get a ton of insight about casperās thought process in this scene. first, we see him spiral with anxiety about the tires popping / crashing the car. he doesnāt WANT to share this information, it just kinda comes out. when tom tells casper how āinsaneā he sounds, casper tries to make himself sound more normal by providing the context for his newfound fear of driving: that he ran over a snake without remembering it, and heās worried heāll run over a person next time. this feels like a reasonable conclusion in his mind, so heās pretty shocked when, rather than laughing it off, tom becomes concerned. thatās when he shuts down entirely and stops talking until tom changes the subject. thankfully, tom knows when itās okay to get casper worked up over something (we see him do this on purpose so he can play lukeās music) and when to drop the topic.
ā casper is searching for a sense of belonging and he thinks heās found it in the gym. he doesnāt like lukeās music, he doesn't believe in lukeās ideologies, he judges the way luke makes his living by deceiving people, but he puts up with it (and even defends it) because heās clinging onto whatever form of human connection he can find. even if that means staying at the gym for hours and hoursssss to impress this guy he really doesnāt like all that much. heās no different to the ādesperate guysā luke capitalizes off of, but casper doesnāt want to see himself that way.
ā āHeās been doing it for so long he believes his own bullshit.ā ā casper says this as if itās admirable. to him, it is. the āfake it til you make itā mentality has never worked for casper, though he tries. heās still trying it as we speak! heās changed every aspect of his appearance and the way he portrays himself to strangers, yet he doesnāt feel any different inside. you can see this in the way he talks about iris. heāll tell you over and over again that he doesnāt care, heās over it, that it was sooo high school, but we know heās still checking up on iris enough to know that heās been blocked & unblocked, and he still cares enough to call her new boyfriend ādoucheyā. he thought that once he left his home town, he would turn a new chapter and have a whole new outlook on life, but heās starting to realize that heās just the same old casper. š
(btw luke is not a character youāll meet; heās just a plot device lol)
#there's still other stuff you can glean from this scene but i don't want to share everyyything#i like leaving some things up to interpretation still#unless someone asks and then i'll just write you an essay explaining one singular line fjksjdsjs#i love it though i have fun#anyway thanks for reading#nonsims
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Theories/Predictions in no particular order:
That box has something important inside. I think you mightāve mentioned Jasonās sketches of Leo, so I suppose that could be it. I predict that thatāll be what made Leo realise he loved Jason Like That
Leo meets his mom in the underworld. Thereās gonna have to be a reason why Leo couldnāt bring her back too, unless he does. Idk Iām fixated on EPIC the musical and the Underwold saga is my favourite so Iām picturing something like that.
Idk if this would happen but I really wanna see some Leo/Beckendorf interactions taking place. Maybe Jason got to talking with him in Elysium and they became friends but heās sad because Beckendorf and Silena remind him so much of Leo and Piper.
Leo talks with Nico and/or Hazel about his underworld trip before going. I donāt know if Nico would be supportive, because he seemed pretty unhappy about Leo coming back from the dead, and he also had this whole thing in botl where he chose not to exchange Daedalusā life for Biancaās that everyone including Rick forgot about- but he also brought back Hazel just like how Leo brought back Jason, soā¦
But Nico posing the argument of āmaybe death should not be messed withā might be interesting. Rick kinda tried to do that in canon but then half-arsed it
Going off on a tangent here, but thatās the interpretation that I personally choose to go with, with the whole āLeo coming back was the reason Jason diedā thing. Not that he cheated the prophecy, just that he cheated death and Hades or the gods or the fates or whoever (my theory is Nemesis, whoās all about keeping balance) decided as punishment Jason would die- so any sort of repercussions for Leo bringing Jason back (effectively cheating death twice) would be interesting to explore, but I understand if that just makes Plot harder to Plot.
Also some Leo/Hazel interactions- especially after Leo giving up his life to stop Gaea just like Hazel did and being given a second chance (we were robbed of that in TOA). Hazel has experience from the other end of that as Nico basically Orpheus and Eurydiceād her himself.
I feel like Leo blaming himself for Jasonās death might all come spilling out in a big dramatic moment at some point. Either with Piper or Jason or both.
Idk if heād tell Emmie and Jo about where heās going but either way I donāt think theyād let him so itād be interesting to see how you handle that.
Not really a prediction but justā¦ canonically Jason was still in his school uniform when he diedā¦ just leaving that there.
Thanatos shows up. Idk how but I think itād be cool if he shows up.
Once they get out of the underworld, Leo and Jason just start sobbing. Bonus points if thatās the first time they cry together. I hc Jason doesnāt cry very often, so any moments that he does could be very powerful. Iām thinking something along the lines of the book āLord of The Fliesā when they get rescued and all the kids just sort of break down crying, weeping for all of humanity. Something angsty like that.
āāJason wasā¦ well, he took it exactly like I expected him to. He was surprised, but he didnāt get angry or anything. He mostly seemed okay. Part of me wonders if maybeā¦ā But whatever Piper had been thinking about, she seemed to decide it wasnāt important.ā OOH PIPERāS GAYDAR WAS TINGLING WASNāT IT??
Feel free to use this as inspiration for anything (although Iām running the risk of Telling You How To Write Your Fic which I donāt wanna do). I realise some of this might be way off so Iāll be sitting here with my bingo card when the full fic is posted to see what comes up.
Also English is your THIRD language and your grammar in fics is still better than those to whom itās their FIRST??!! I tip my hat to thee.
The choiceless hope in grief
Summary: Leo Valdez has lived and died for the gods. Their war has shaped his life since he was a baby. With Gaia defeated, he sort of hopes he can finally rest. He has friends and some semblance of home to return to for the first time since he was eight years old. Just this once, he allows himself to hope the good things might stick.
But the gods arenāt done with them just yet, by the time Leo finds his way back, Jason is gone.
This time, Leo decides heās done just taking the Fatesā bullshit lying down. If getting his best friend back means striking a deal with the gods and venturing into the Underworldā¦ well, itās probably not even the most reckless thing heās ever done.
The caveat of said deal? He has to trust Jason will follow him, or his self-doubt will doom them both.
And after the life heās lived, Leo is so intricately familiar with self-doubt that he could probably trademark the word.
Or: The only possible way for Orpheus to succeed is if he learns to think of himself as a person worth loving.
Word Count for chapter 1: ~5k
Rating: Teen and Up
So! *claps hands together* Iāve been threatening you guys with my Orpheus Eurydice valgrace fic for a while! Technically I wanted to wait to post this until Iām completely done writing the fic, and I mostly intend to stick to that! Iām only posting this now because I have a minor surgery tomorrow and Iād rather be anxious about fic related things than about the surgery in question. So, take this chapter as a preview of sorts, more to come soon-ish but probably not immediately!
A couple of important notes before we start:
-TW for suicidal ideation. Itās less Leo actually wanting to die and more his canon behavior of āIām doing something extremely reckless that might succeed but if it doesnāt, my death is an acceptable consequenceā, paired with general grief related self-loathing, but if you think youāre not in the right headspace to read about that, come back when you are or at least tread carefully. This fic pics up at the end of The Burning Maze, so especially the beginning is pretty heavy on the grief stuff.
-Since ToA is vaguely canon to this fic, Leo and Calypso are technically dating in the beginning, but they donāt really interact positively as a couple (honestly they donāt interact that much in general) and break up pretty early on. Just be aware in advance that theyāre still together for a little bit.
-Fic title is from Talk by Hozier which is maybe a painfully obvious pick but it was too perfect for me not to use it.
Chapter 1: Leo and Piper have an extended sleepover
It wasnāt a discussion between Leo and Piper whether or not to go to Jasonās funeral. They came to the decision that they wouldnāt silentlyāor as silently as one could come to an agreement when all parties involved were sobbing.
Maybe it should have been a discussion. There was a part of Leo that worried heād regret this laterāhis refusal to take this chance to say goodbye and let himself grieve.
But Leo remembered his motherās funeral. Remembered the way his aunt Rosa had looked at him like she knew his motherās death had been his fault. Leo couldnāt stand the thought of people looking at him like that again.
He also didnāt remember his motherās funeral bringing him any sense of closure or comfort. Heād stood at her grave, afterwards, just as desperate and afraid and utterly inconsolable as heād been before the funeral, except it had suddenly felt sickeningly final. The wound it had torn in his soul had kept bleeding for years, and the scars would stay forever. He didnāt need any of Apolloās shitty oracles to know Jasonās death would be exactly the same.
At this point, Leo was pretty sure his sanity was being held together by a combination of jokes and a truly questionable amount of duct tape.
Beyond all that, though, Camp Jupiter was a battlefield right now. It would continue to be a battlefield for the foreseeable future.
Leo wasnāt a coward. It wasnāt that he didnāt want to go back and help. But one of his best friends was already in a box, and there was no way in hell heād risk the other.
With how tightly Piper was clinging to him, maybe she was thinking the same thing.Ā
For all his big talk about dragon escorts, Festus did most of the actual escorting on his own, occasionally torching what Leo hoped were monsters and not random public monuments. Leo, for his part, spent most of the journey crammed into the backseat of the car next to Piper, sandwiched between her and a bunch of moving boxes that seemed determined to flatten him into a Leo-shaped pancake whenever they took a sharp turn.
Heād spent so long thinking about seeing her and Jason again.Ā
Heād talked Calypsoās ear off about them the whole journey, to the point where it had clearly started to annoy her. Heād thought about various ridiculous entrances he could make, and the fact that heād probably get yelled at, but heād also thought about sitting together by the campfire, sharing nachos. Heād thought about Jason hugging him so fiercely that he couldnāt breathe, and Piper cussing him out while she held him, making him promise never to do anything that reckless again.
Now Piper was actually holding him, and Leo couldnāt feel anything. There was a numbness in his chest. He wasnāt sure he had it in him to ever feel happiness again. Hell, even if he did, what was the fucking point? Every time anything even remotely good happened in his life, it got ripped away from him again.
They didnāt talk a whole lot for most of the drive. They cried until it felt like they couldnāt anymore, clinging to each other like desperate children.
Even if theyād wanted to talk about what had happened, Piperās dad was right there, and despite the Mist usually working overtime for them, having him overhear seemed like a gamble. Or, well, maybe that was what Leo told himself. Maybe he just wasn't sure he was ready to hear it all. He still felt like he couldnāt think. He was overwhelmed to hell and couldnāt stop fidgeting.
Several hours into the trip, his stomach started grumbling. Piper dug through the bag at her feet and offered him one of her PB&J sandwiches, but Leo couldnāt eat. He hadnāt skipped a meal in foreverāheād been homeless and unsure when heād even get access to the next meal enough times that it had been all but tattooed into his skull that he couldnāt afford toābut he couldnāt even think about eating without feeling sick. He thought about Jason. He thought about the state heād left Camp Jupiter in and the fact that they hadnāt even been able to give the dead their proper funeral rites.
Had Leoās help made any difference at all? Had anything heād done in his life changed things even slightly?
Leo knew the Fates had intended for it to be fire that fellāfor him to burn in a bright, hot blaze and turn himself to charcoal. But heād refused to stay dead like a good little pawn, and now Jason was gone, and it was all his fault.
He wasnāt sure how Piper could even look at him right now, but he was beyond grateful that she was holding onto him as tightly as she did. It was the only reason he didnāt fall to pieces completely. The cog at the heart of Leoās machine had broken in a way that made it utterly beyond repair, and now it felt like a matter of time before the whole thing came apart. Piper holding him was the only reason his remaining pieces were still functioning.Ā
It should have been impossible for Leo to fall asleep under these circumstances, but heād been traveling for hours and fighting before then and heād cried out his remaining energy, so eventually, the world started to fade around him, reduced to just the sound of Piperās breaths, until finally, those went, too.
~~~~
It would have been kinder, maybe, if Leo had dreamed up some shitty visions promising violent death and/or the end of the world. That would have been business as usual.Ā
Instead, he dreamed of his time on theĀ Argo IIāof one of those early nights when the different groups were still getting to know each other, having a brief moment to breathe between their ridiculous tasks and saving the world.Ā
It had seemed reasonable to catch each other up on what had happened on their end. Percy, Hazel and Frank had talked about rescuing Thanatos, and Piper, Jason and Leo had told them what had happened with Hera in turn.Ā
This would have been a boring intel conversation at best, seeing as Leo had been there for all of their part, but theyād grabbed snacks and sat on cushions on the floor and made it a whole bonding activity. Jason had been wedged between Piper and Leo, and theyād taken turns storytelling.Ā
And Jason hadĀ bragged.Ā So much. But he hadnāt even had the decency to brag aboutĀ himselfĀ like a normal human being. Instead, heād talked about how capable Piper and Leo had been, somehow managing to make Leo sound like the coolest person heād ever met. Which was ridiculous, considering heād metĀ everyone else on their team.
And sure, Leo made it sound like he thought he was amazing all the time, but he was exaggerating, which everyone, himself included, knew.Ā
Jason didnāt seem to have gotten the memo, though. He had one arm wrapped around Leo the whole evening, and he got all starry-eyed when he talked.Ā
āLeo took on three Cyclopes by himself.Ā Three!ā
āDude, stop!ā Leo had laughed, shaking his head. āI know Iām incredible and youāre blessed to be friends with me and stuff, but you werenāt even conscious for that part.ā
āStill happened, though.ā Jason had beamed at him. āYouāre amazing, dude. I would have died about fifteen times on that mission if it hadnāt been for you. You guys shouldāve seen him.ā
It would have been easier if Leo had thought Jason was just trying to talk him up to the others to make them more willing to trust him after how badly heād messed up in New Rome, but Jason wasnāt the type. Heād looked like he honestly believed every single word he was saying.
So, of course, Leo had refused to seriously deal with any of the things that made him feel.
āSorry, Pipes, but Iām pretty sure your boyfriend is in love with me. Itās the fire powers, Iām afraid. Iām just too hot to resist,ā Leo had joked instead, and Piper had untangled herself from Jasonās other side to throw Doritos at Leo, and everything had been right in the universe.
~~~~
Waking up from that, blearily blinking himself awake in the car full of moving boxes andĀ rememberingā¦Ā that was a worse punch in the gut than waking up from most nightmares had been. And Leo should know. Heād had so many of those over the years that he was basically a certified nightmare expert at this point.
Leo wanted to go back in time and spend forever in that one evening, living it over and over and over again until the Fates or a temporal paradox or something eventually killed him. He wanted to hold on to what theyād been back thenāthe three of them together and happy andĀ whole,back before theyād realized what the prophecy really meant.Ā
He wanted to stay wrapped in Jasonās arm and hear him laugh at whatever stupid joke Leo came up with while he and Piper threw snacks at each other like ten year olds. He wanted to believe he could actuallyĀ beĀ the person Jason was bragging aboutāthis invincible hero that could do just about anything and saved peopleās lives.
But Leo had never been that hero. Even his sacrifice had been the selfish decision of a coward who wasnāt ready to die just yet.Ā JasonĀ had been their Superman. The guy who could fly and threw lightning and saved people from falling to their deaths. Jason had been the hero. And ultimately, that had been what killed him.
Leo wasnāt exactly sure what he planned to do once they got to Oklahoma. He should have been heading back to the Waystation, to give Calypso the normal life heād promised. But he wasnāt thinking about Calypso, or the Waystation, and the thought of a normal life had gone out of the window the second heād seen the coffin. Besides, the Waystation would mean people asking questions, wanting to know about his mission and asking him to talk about his feelings, and he didnāt want that.
The only thing Leo really wanted to do right now wasĀ not think.Ā
By the time they got to the house, it was so late that cross-country dragon flight seemed inadvisable for visibility reasons alone, so Leo agreed to stay the night. Festus nuzzled him for a bit, got a fuel snack from the canister Leo had brought and then folded down into his million pound suitcase form for the night.
It took a little under two hours to carry all the boxes inside, which was an annoying amount of time to be carrying boxes but seemed like an absurdly short amount to move the contents of an entire life.
They spent some time in search of the necessities that needed to be unpacked, but the house was still furnished and also had running water and electricity as of a few days ago, so it wasnātĀ thatĀ bad.
While Piper went in search of some ancient camping gear so Leo wouldnāt have to sleep on the floorāthis seemed silly to him, the floor was far from the worst place heād ever sleptāLeo asked Piperās dad if he could help with dinner.Ā
Tristan looked relieved at his offer, actually. Heād been staring at the assorted vegetables with a slightly lost expression, trying to hack at one of the zucchinis with a butter knife. It seemed like he was trying to remember how cooking worked and had just discovered he had absolutely no idea.Ā
Considering how long heād been an insanely rich guy with a personal cook, Leo guessed that actually might have been a pretty accurate read on the situation.Ā
āYou might want to try a sharper knife,ā Leo suggested, which made Piperās dad look absolutely mortified. āTry not to chop off any of your fingers, though. I think Piperās been traumatized enough for one week.ā
The words were out of his mouth before Leo could think to stop them. Tristan didnāt laugh, but at least it didnāt seem like heād be tossing Leo out of the house over this. Maybe he realized people sometimes said stupid shit when they were grieving. Maybe Piper had just warned him in advance that Leo was like this sometimes.
Tristan just went to find a different knife, which would have maybe been concerning if he hadnāt gone back to hacking at the vegetables a moment later.
āWell, at least this one is actually cutting through the zucchinis. Thatās already an improvement.ā
āYeah, Iām basically a cooking expert,ā Leo said with a grin, only half-joking. He went to peel and chop up the carrots, and was done with those and about half the mushrooms by the time the poor zucchini had been hacked to bits.
āYou and Piper went to school together, right?ā Tristan asked after a while of them quietly chopping vegetables for the casserole, trying to make sense of things with information he didnāt have and that, judging from past evidence, probably would have made his skull crack. āYou and her and Jason.ā
āYeah. We went to Wilderness school together.ā Leo winced, trying not to think too hard of Jason while also trying to remember the lies theyād already told Piperās dad. At this rate, he was pretty worried his own skull would crack, too. āThen all three of us switched to a different school. Then I was gone for a while.ā
Tristan nodded like this made perfect sense, though he mostly seemed lost in thought. That was a little rude, in Leoās opinion. If he went through all that effort to remember their elaborate setup of lies, the least Piperās dad could do was appreciate it!
āIām glad youāre here now, with everything thatās happened. Piper was really upset when you left,ā Tristan said, still with that faraway look in his eyes. āThe last few months were hard for her. Between the move and the breakup, she really could have used a friend.ā
Leo promptly lost all rights to make fun of Piperās dad and his vegetable chopping skills because at the word ābreakupā,Ā the knife slipped and he nearly sliced off two of his fingers.
āFuck! Ow!ā he said eloquently, trying to avoid bleeding all over the cutting board in his attempt to get to the sink. āJason and Piper broke up?ā
The question sounded absurd even to his own ears. Why would Jason and Piper break up? Theyād been happy together.
Surely, Piperās dad had to be talking about something else.
To Leoās shock, Tristan nodded.
āA while ago, yes,ā he said, but he didnāt go into detailsāpossibly because Leo was bleeding all over the sink. āWe should bandage that. Do you think you need stitches?ā
āNo, the cuts arenāt that deep,ā Leo decided, turning on the faucet and holding his bleeding hand under the stream of cold water. Maybe he should have been more concerned about the injury, but his mind was still whirring at the thought of his best friends breaking up. Unfortunately, the cold water stung like hell. He hissed with pain. āSorry for making your kitchen look like a crime scene right after moving in. Usually, I at least have the decency to wait a day or two.ā
Because the house was a small, cozy place and Leo had not had the decency to curse quietly, Piper appeared in the doorway a moment later, an alarmed expression on her face.
āWhat happened?ā
āIāve been bested by a stupid potato,ā Leo cursed, holding up his bleeding hand and wiggling his fingers for emphasis. He figured out immediately that this was a mistake.Ā āOw.ā
āStop that, dumbass!ā Piper cursed, moving to stand beside him. āSink was the right call, but you need to use soap or the cuts could get infected. Dad, any chance we have gauze lying around somewhere?ā
Tristan didnāt seem to question why his daughter had immediately jumped into emergency medical treatment mode. He just abandoned the cutting board and headed for the front door.
āNot exactly sure what box our regular medical supplies are in, but Iāll get the first aid kit from the car. Iāll be right back.ā
āDo we have to do the soap?ā Leo whined, because fuck, that stung, but Piper nodded with a scary expression on her face, so he complied. āHow do you even know this stuff? Are we sure youāre not secretly an Apollo kid?ā
āI know this stuff because Iām friends with a bunch of morons who have zero sense of self-preservation,ā Piper cursed, gritting her teeth. āYou shouldnāt be around knives when youāre this distracted.ā
āI can usually cook just fine when Iām distracted. Your dad was the one who told me you and Jason broke up in the middle of this stupid potato,ā Leo said defensively. āIs that the Mist messing with him?ā
That was the only explanation his mind had supplied so far that made any sense to him.
Piper shook her head. āWe really did break up. That was a few months ago.ā
Leo felt his jaw hit the floor.Ā
āWhat the hell happened? You were together for ages. I thought- you always seemed soĀ happy.ā
āI know, but-ā Piper broke off abruptly when her dad came back inside with the first aid kit. Demigod stuff, then?
Leoās mind was racing. The breakup was a completely stupid thing to focus on, considering everything that had happened in the last few days. HeĀ knewĀ that.
But it was easier to try and make sense of this than it was to try and make sense of the fact that Jason was gone and heād never get to see him again.
āIs it alright if we do this somewhere else?ā Piper asked her dad, taking the first aid kit from him.
āOf course. It might be easier to patch him up when youāre both sitting down, anyway.ā He turned towards Leo. āThank you for your help, but I think I can take it from here.ā
Leo sent a silent prayer to whichever deity was responsible for protecting vegetablesāDemeter, probably?āand gave what he hoped was an encouraging thumbs up with his uninjured hand before he followed Piper into the hallway to presumably be reprimanded some more.
~~~~ They ended up sitting on an old bed that looked like it had lived a long, miserable life and was excited for retirement, but the wooden frame thankfully didnāt break down under the weight of the new mattress or the additional weight of them sitting on said mattress. Piper explained that this had been her dadās room when heād lived here as a child, and that it would probably become her room now. Then she went very quiet and focused on bandaging his hand, clearly avoiding looking at him.
āIt wasnāt because of me, was it?ā Leo asked. The thought made him feel ill. āPlease tell me it wasnāt something like, I donāt know, you two being unable to stand being around each other after what happened to me. I think Iād actually have to blow myself up again if it was.ā
He tried to make it sound like a joke, but it didnāt feel like one at all. The thought that he'd managed to ruin his best friendsā relationship on top of everything else made it hard to breathe.
When Piper shook her head, it felt like a whole boulder was lifted off his shoulders.
āI actually think we would have broken up sooner if you hadnāt gone missing. We leaned on each other a lot after you disappeared. It wasnāt until we realized we wouldnāt find you and things started to settle down a little that I had time to think. And when I didā¦ā Her voice went very quiet, and she still didnāt look up at him. āI realized I wasnāt happy in the relationship. I donāt think I ever was.ā
āHow did I not know that?ā Leo wondered quietly. āI justā¦ you two seemed happy to me. What kind of garbage best friend am I?ā
Piper shook her head. āIt isnāt your fault. I was telling myself IĀ wasĀ happy for a long time. Itās almost- sometimes I wonder if I was charmspeaking myself. That maybe I kept saying I was in love with Jason until I convinced myself I actually was. And with Hera and my mom setting it upā¦ I love-ā her voice caught in her throat, and Leo felt like maybe he needed to throw up, ā-loved Jason, but not like that.ā
āPipes, Iām really sorry.ā Leo squeezed her shoulder. āThat sounds like it was super hard for both of you.ā Leo felt awful about the fact that he hadnāt even been around to comfort either of them, but it wasnāt like he could fix it now. It was just another item on Leoās unending list of epic screwups heād never be able to make up for.
āJason wasā¦ well, he took it exactly like I expected him to. He was surprised, but he didnāt get angry or anything. He mostly seemed okay. Part of me wonders if maybeā¦ā But whatever Piper had been thinking about, she seemed to decide it wasnāt important. āIt was hard to get a proper read on him, and as nice as he was about it, things were still super awkward after. I'm terrified he died thinking I didnāt care about him.ā
And then she was tearing up again, and Leo thought he would shatter if she cried.Ā
āHe knew you cared,ā he said as earnestly as he could manage, pulling Piper to his chest again. āYou love way too annoyingly for him not to have known. Hell, evenĀ IĀ know you love me, and we both know Iām a fucking nightmare when it comes to this stuff.ā
āI missed you so much,ā she whispered, wrapping her arms around his back like it was the easiest thing in the world.
āOh, Iām about to make you regret saying that,ā Leo said, forcing himself to smile. āIāll bring it up each and every time you say you find something I do annoying.ā
āYouāre annoying as hell, but youāre still my best friend.ā He could feel her tears dripping onto his shoulder, and he knew that would make him start up again too. āI donāt know how Iād do this without you.ā
And well, passing away from dehydration after crying too much would be a really lame way to die the second time, but everything was just too much right now, so if that was how he went, Leo wasnāt sure anyone could blame him.
~~~~
For the next couple of weeks, Leo stayed.
Helping Piper and her dad unpack was the perfect way to keep himself occupied and not have to think. Usually, a mundane task like this probably would have driven Leo nuts. But right now, it was a bit of a godsendāif not literally, at least figuratively. Being productive was always so much easier when it was done in order to avoid something you wanted to do even less. There was a reason his spaces in the foster homes had only ever been tidy when he had exams coming up.
He helped cook, too, and Piperās dad became increasingly less garbage at it the longer this went onālike muscle memory was finally kicking in after years of disuse.
It was mostly goodālistening to Piper reminisce about trips sheād taken with her dad and where sheād gotten the weird variety of items she kept in her room. When they werenāt unpacking, Leo and Piper played video games or watched movies or explored the area. Twice, during the night, they took Festus on a little flight to a nearby fast food place. Finding a parking spot was a bit of a nightmare, unfortunately. Leo would submit a complaint about their inability to accommodate celestial bronze dragons the first chance he got.
The first time they tried hikingāLeo didnāt evenĀ likeĀ hiking, heād spent enough time outside for several lifetimes, why did he do this to himselfāthey got hopelessly lost in the woods, and of course, due to demigod bullshit, neither of them had brought a phone, so Google Maps wasnāt an option. It was probably for the better. The last thing that situation needed on top of them being lost was a monster attack.Ā
They were already jokingly planning out their new life in the woods when, thankfully, a girl their age came to their rescue.
āA human being! Thank the gods. The squirrels werenāt talking to us,ā Leo greeted her, which had Piper shout āPlease ignore Leo!ā loudly from the branches of the tree sheād been climbing.
The girl lifted her head, spotted Piper and promptly burst out laughing.
āWhat in the world are you doing up there?āĀ
āTrying to get a better vantage point,ā Piper sighed, making her way back down the tree. āWeāre hopelessly lost.ā
āWell, nice to meet you, hopelessly lost. Iām Shel,ā the girl said, still grinning. Leo decided immediately that he liked her.
Piper had almost made it back down when she somehow missed a branch and fell the rest of the way. In comedic movie fashion, Shel moved before Leo had the chance to and caught her mid-tumble. āThat was a bit of a dramatic way to get my attention, but youāre cute, so Iāll allow it.ā
āOh yeah, Piperās got a bit of a thing with falling for people that way,ā Leo commented, and Piper gave him her most murderous look while she got back on her feet.
āYou guys need help getting back?ā
āPlease, yes,ā Piper said immediately. āIt turns out weāre both garbage with maps.ā
āMaybe you just need a tour guide next time,ā Shel suggested, winking at Piper, whose face turned scarlet. Leo wasnāt even mad about being the third wheel for once. Heād give herĀ so much shitĀ about this later.
And he did. And then Piper properly came out to himāno label or anything, mostly as extremely confused but sure she liked girls, which also made a few additional pieces click into place regarding her breakup with Jason. She ended her anxiety-riddled explanation by thanking Leo for being so normal and annoying about all this.Ā
Which was how Leo realized heād apparently never told Piper he was bi.
Or maybe he had, and it had gotten lost along with their other memories of Wilderness. Stupid memory-stealing babysitters.
Well, at least they got to hug about it now.Ā
~~~~
It was strange how normal some days felt when nothing would ever truly be normal again. When in every moment Leo and Piper spent together, the gaping hole that had been ripped into their trio was so blatantly obvious.
The benefit and problem of this friendship was that Leo and Piper were both experts at not talking about things they were struggling with.Ā
This wasnāt exactly news. From what little LeoĀ didĀ remember of Wilderness School, theyād spent months not talking about his mom, or about the fact that Piperās dad kept canceling their weekend plans. Theyād both known there were things left unsaid, but as long as theyād been able to cheer each other up, that hadnāt really mattered. It made sense, honestly. Put two people who hadnāt had a shoulder to cry on for ages in a room together and see what happens!
Right now, this meant they were expertly ignoring the box of belongings Piper had picked up from Jasonās school. It had been pushed so far under the bed during that first night that it was no longer visible, and neither of them made any effort to move it out of its new home since. They ignored the topic of Jason, period, until it inevitably hit them in the face again.Ā
It was mostly dumb shit that set them off. Piper automatically reaching for vanilla ice cream at the grocery store because it was Jasonās favoriteāseriously, who in their right mind even liked vanilla ice cream?
Sometimes, Leo would make a joke and burst into tears instead of laughing because he knew it would have cracked Jason up. They found old photos unpacking. One time, Piperās dad suggested they make tacos and they started simultaneously bawling their eyes out.
Leo had spent a long time exactly like thisāpretending everything was normal and okay when it wasnāt either of those things until he inevitably broke down. Then heād started to actually feel sort of okay whenever he was with Jason and Piper. Now, he was sure he would spend the rest of his life pretending.
His appetite was too used to being stuck in survival mode for him to bow to nausea for long, so he went back to eating properly after a few days. He still cried himself to sleep most nights. He kept dreaming about Jason. The memories wrapped themselves around him like a safety blanket that he knew would get ripped away again in the morning. He always woke up feeling empty. Sometimes, he wished he could just go to sleep and never wake up again.
But other than that, it was mostly good.
Then demigod communications went back up, and everything went to hell.
āāā
Chapter notes:
Fun fact! I originally planned for this chapter (as well as the next few chapters) to just be backstory in my head and for me to maybe do a flashback or two. Unfortunately for me, Piper McLean waltzed into the room and refused to leave.
I do actually think the fic works better this way, but it will take a second to get to the plot! Hopefully youāll enjoy the whole journey :)
I may not be able to have Leo and Piper go to Jasonās funeral without seriously messing with the plot of Tyrantās Tomb, but I could at least pick the most evil reason possible for them not to go!
Side note: I sort of forgot that Hedge and Mellie were supposed to be here according to TBM, but by the time I remembered I already had this chapter written out and, as someone who cannot be bothered to figure out how to write them, I decided to just leave it. ToA is vaguely canon to this universe, but only for the most part. Some details are inaccurate, and I think thatās okay.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Comments and reblogs super, super appreciated as always!!
List of people that at some point asked to be tagged when I post this: @poppitron360 @ginnyluna @keefessketchbook (feel free to comment if you want to get taken off or be put on the tag list for future chapters!)
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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technically alan wake 2 final draft (spoilers ahead) is a Happy ending for the characters, but the spiral writers room video calling his enlightened self a possible demiurge or demon unsettled me far more than the original ending. that version, by his nature, already existing and overlapping with past loops, influencing and manipulating things without known reasons (to us and the Alan we play). it really makes that Alan out to be something else entirely through ascension and that this is inevitable. this could partially be because I kept seeing people say that the final draft was the happy end with a happy resolution for everyone, but I canāt stop thinking about what this means for Alanāand Alice!āgoing forward. That, along with the direct parallels to Yƶtƶn Yƶ playing out. Itās SO much to unpack
#final draft spoilers#alan wake 2 spoilers#alan wake 2#Iām repeating myself in my aw2 posts about the ending but I reeeeaally love the first ending#and Iāve come around to liking the final draft but trying to wrap my head around it#and would love to know if anyone has specific thoughts on the yƶtƶn yƶ callbacks or master of worlds/demon thing#Iāve seen some interpretations that alice literally is the bullet of light coexisting with alan. or that maybe heāll become an antagonist#but idk if I agree with those. but thereās a lot that the final draft opens up#and it is a Little funny to me that itās considered the more positive or conclusive ends#apart from Logan answering the callāeverything else leaves far more to question#the first end is very āAlan is stuck in a spiral and needs to ascend w the help of saga and Aliceā#but the final draft. all the worlds are Alanās oyster. who is he and what will he do. i have no idea#and all the ascension and becoming something else while playing the roles of yƶtƶn yƶ still make the entire thing feel slightly off#in a way thatās good btw. i like that the final draft is less clear and not a generic happy end than I assumed from all the buzz around it#like maybe aw3 or control 2 will roll around and heāll just be like Mr Door and heās just more aware of his powers#but for now I enjoy the questionable aspects of this happy end for alan and alice#š <- me after discussing the endings of aw2 extensively over multiple posts#also feel like i should say that I donāt think alan will be. evil or anything#itās just the aw2 of identity and change that fascinates me with what ascension means for alan :ā)
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I think it says a lot about me as a person now that that the easiest way to make me cry as a child (and still now. I didn't think I'd tear up while writing this lmao) was to imply that the majesties and wonders of childhood and imagination are all a dream that inevitably leaves us as we get older that we can only regain in death and that the vivid inner worlds and personalities we give our toys in our early years either feel abandoned, vengeful, or die entirely as we age.
#i would literally have to leave the room for some movies or skip the endings of others because I found them so upsetting#a quick list of properties this post is about:#frosty the snowmanā the polar expressā the Carebears movie: the next generationā the velveteen rabbitā peter pan#the third tinkerbell movieā winnie the poohā toy story 3ā narniaā the wizard of oz (books)ā the miraculous journey of edward tulane#and the songs goodbye yellow brick roadā hey there delilahā and rainbow connection (by my own 9 year old interpretation)#The idea that adults can't access magic and it is something you HAVE to grow out of and this mystification of childhood upset me so much#I'm so glad I can put it into words now that I'm older#there are also probably many other properties that fit this description btw#like the brave little toaster and the raggedy anne musical I think#but after being traumatized by the velveteen rabbit I purposefully avoided most movies about toys#there are a lot of christmas shorts I also skip for that purpose#so anyway I'm putting it down this low for a reason#but I was reminded of this because now I'm using these same tattered toy and attatchment motifs in my own writing#but subverting that original meaning by sewing the toys back together so it becomes about repair and healing AS WELL AS the horrors of time#but also how such things can bring magic to people of all ages#and how love and comfort can still be provided by these inner worlds so many years later#the world is filled with beauty and wonder at any age and turning to cynicism and rejecting that reality is NOT what 'growing up' is about
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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cyberpsychosis could maybe be so cool if it was people being possessed by some sort of rouge ai,or as part of a corporate conspiracy. like as a planned obsolescence thing where certain parts during production are programmed to make people Do That after a certain point so you have to buy the next new 20,000eddies cannon arms to replace the nearly identical previous model or else you might kill everyone you love and die because your cyberwares "outdated". or untraceable viruses infecting competing corporations cyberware using their rival's customer's livelihoods to sabotage their profits. and maybe any one of those things works in such a way that its designed to detect atypical brain chemistry in a host,and thus triggers more frequently with them to tage advantage of and use those people as a scapegoat and a way to further fear monger against them,and you can uncover that this is the case. or something along those lines. and the more cyberware someone has the more likely it is that they could encounter any of these scenarios. but no it is just #crazy people being too #crazy.
#they kinda toyed w something like that in earlier drafts. with dollchips and the project ghost thing thats too much to explain in tumbletags#but yeah#honestly w how little its present in the final game beyond Go Herd Them Up And Beat The Shit Out Of Them So They Can Recover In Therapy#Offscreen In An Optional Sidequest With Literally No Conclusion they couldve easily just retconned its existence in the world entirely#especially since really the only reason why it exists in the lore in the first place is so the humanity system in the ttrpg keeps your#character from becoming too overpowered from too much cyberware. like thats it.#but for how much they dont wanna flesh out any other conspiratorial type stuff for the sake of ''It is a Mysteryš»''#and how much they went with ''idk where cyberpsychosis comes from we dont know if its even real'' ingame#edgerunners and mike pondsmith himself sure have a lot to say about it and exactly how it works#we cant even leave that up for interpretation for players to find some way into coping themselves into believing its not as weirdly ableist#as it is#and we cant do anything else with it that would actually be cool. or make sense. in universe and just logically.#however. im a dumbfuck and am not beyond thinking about how like. in a hypothetical scenario where melissa welles is still around#And jackies bled out corpse is still used for the arasaka supersoldier program and is going around killing people.i cant not think about ho#mama welles would have to handle both of her kids dying and also going on rampages out of (mostly) anyones control. like think about that.#heart wrenching and whatnot. could you fucking imagine with everything else shes been through.#anyway sorry for talking about things that very literally probably less than a dozen ppl know/care about its just. interesting.#i froth over the potential that it had#that im tricking myself into believing that it had
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saw some post epilogue extras spoilers. i hate being right.
#orv spoilers#im serious there are sPOILERS IN THESE TAGS#AVERT YOUR EYES! LOOK AWAY! PAY NOT ATTENTION TO THE [REDACTED] BEHIND THE DOOR---#okay anyways.#i told yall i fuCKING TOLD YALL it's up to us!!!#IF YOU THINK ABOUT HIM HAVING A BAD ENDING THEN THATS ALWAYS GONNA BE A POSSIBLE ENDING#BECAUSE IT'S THE READER (dokja (you)) WHO ULTIMATELY GETS TO DECIDE WHAT THEY TAKE AWAY (WHAT THEY RECIEVE) FROM WHAT THEY READ#SO CHOOSE HAPPINESS FOR THE READER (dokja (you))#and also for hsy and yjh and biyoo do not even get me sTARTED#ive got some. nitpicks. about how that extra is even a thing. i feel it toes the line for denying The Point of the ending of orv proper#BUT ultimately is DOES still leave the interpretive power to Choose in the hands of the reader (dokja (us)) so it gets a pass#like#we can still imagine for ourselves how the second doorway will end up#SO AS I SAID BEFORE#CHOOSE HAPPINESS#FOR THE READER (dokja (you))#ITS REAL IF WE SAY IT IS
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ā§ I wonāt really write descriptions for these, but see original post tags for explanation/commentary on the song snippet ā§
#This was literally just off the top of my head improvising words that rhyme (as is obvious from me rhyming the word#'on' with the word.... 'on' (what's going ON my name is ON' etc. lol) but after actually thinking about it this kind of seems a little#sinister?? why is his name on the news? why is he fleeing town? makes me think of of some guy who's killed#someone or is finally getting caught for his crimes so one last stop before he flees town is he returns home to his husband (who he#calls Hummingbird sometimes I guess) and is like 'erm... tee hee.. I can't tell you why but I shall leave. farewell' etc.#also 'I guess I could show you' having a bad implication like.. yeah I COULD show you the dead bodies and evidence of my crimes#but I will spare you from that and simply let you live in ignorance (at least until you see the news at 10.. but I will be long gone by#then.. eating green beans somewhere lol).. ANYWAY.. 100% unintentional but you could actually almost read some sort of meaning#out of this one. until the green beans part ghhbjb.. I try so hard for everything to just be meaningless gibberish#that has no connection but I suppose sometimes a connection can be made. alas.. a perhaps accidentally Dark seeming song snippet#OR alternate theory. uhh... actually his name is on the news for a good reason. he donated all his money to charity and now#he's fleeing town just because he's embarassed to be publicly recognized.. a shy philanthropist OR an evasive murderer#BOTH versions of him like green beans. which is the truth? up to listener interpretation lol.. Also I#still find it immensely funny for some reason to do this lower sounding style of singing. which not that I really care about like having a#Broad Range or something since I don't think it'd even be possible to have one in my position (as someone#with zero musical/vocial training/etc.) BUT because part of what I find fun is like.. experimenting with all different sorts of sounds#and also doing choir type stuff. So then I do want to be able to sound like multiple people.. if that makes sense? I want to have a really#high voice and the a really low voice and have them sing together and it sounds like a duet or something when it's really just one person.#etc. Thus have a passing interest in learning to adopt different singing styles if I can. because then that's funny and I can do a wider#variety of things like it's all different characters or something as if all the song snippets are done by different people or etc.#(maybe just part of the nature of it being experimental).#And the low voice is always the goofiest sounding to me and very 'fake' seeming I guess#like blatantly is just someone putting on an affect or whatever but still in a kind of fun jokey way lol#beepo tag
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#i dont know how to tag it and alas i dont really care enough#i was going to draw something but i am a sloth. a lazy brain-rotting tree-dwelling mammal#but i am really really cute so please let it slide#everyone around me keep saying i should try to work as a florist because of my interest in flowers that suddenly appeared half a year ago#honestly speaking i hated flowers for as long as i have existed before that. they were making me depressed#the whole idea of something cute in your hands that is destined to become a withered rotting thing overnight is nothing but depressing#that i was thinking before i learned how to properly take care of cut flowers. now i can make them stay for a bit longer. like a week or so#it is still sad nevertheless. but I guess my perspective on things has changed as well. i am not talking about flowers#more like about life and death#but its too philosophical for a silly gigantic post in my silly little blog so im not going to talk about it#i like to dry flowers. dunno if I do it properly tho#a few days ago i watched kusuriya no hitorigoto in which characters are compared to flowers! there is a dried flower as well#the dried rose there was described as āstill beautiful despite the time and harshness it went throughā#but the character the rose was alluding to was merely a walking brainless corpse#and in the context it really made sense. these two contradicting facts in actuality create the complete picture of the character#while binging the series i couldnt help but wonder what flower i feel the most relation to#to no avail#someone has gifted me a rose plant approximately a month ago. you can see it on the photo above#but the thing is. i absolutely suck at taking care of living beings. my experience says exactly that. i also hate dirt#i was so perplexed and afraid of causing harm to the plant I completely abandoned it for quite some time#while thinking about it 24/7. reminded me of the time i still had the executive dysfunction#eventually i had to chop off all the leaves and buds leaving only stems with thorns be to keep the plant alive#it was actually my mother who gave it to me. so it is very precious and i really dont want it to die. but my actions somehow say otherwise#anyway. i came up with the idea that i am not a flower but a budless stem with really sharp thorns on it!#i dont really have enough space for the explanation so its up to you to interpret
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