#i like jigsaw a bit more in all fairness

[doliwoli]

im such a hater towards jigsaw & spiral.. like. why r they like that.

[promitto-amor]

Should Something Happen

Pairing: Mark Hoffman x You

Summary: While working as Jigsaw Apprentices, Amanda spoils some quality bonding time between yourself and Hoffman.

Warnings: Cursing!

Might this actually be a little bit of fluff? I wanted to do something involving the main Jigsaw crew and a protective Hoffman. 👀

Perhaps the only aspect of being an apprentice Mark enjoyed was the opportunity to work alongside you. Every trap crafted, every game played and every eventual death led Mark one step closer to his freedom. A life no longer in servitude for an impulsive act of vengeance. Mark had always struggled to quell his impulsiveness. It made him good in the field, Mark had earned a fair share of promotions for his quick actions, but his greatest mistake had cost him almost a year of servitude to Jigsaw himself. Until his sentence was up, until mark could be certain both John Kramer and his helper monkey were dead, he would carry out his part in the games with minimal complaint. In the meantime, he could find a steady contentment in watching the slackened, dream-like expression on your face as you fiddled with some shards of broken glass. 

“Careful,” Mark finds himself saying, “It’s not intended to spill your blood.”

You drop the shards back into the glass coffin and wander back to the workbench you’ve commandeered as a desk, “There’s so many traps,” You whine and if it were anyone else Mark would be grinding his teeth together. You flip your notebook onto a fresh page, “Who is this one for again?”

“I try not to make a habit of remembering names.” Mark answers, “Once you name something you get attached.”

You nod, “You’re right.” You pick up your pencil and hover it over the page. “Sadly I don’t have that luxury.” Mark keeps one eye on you as he cleans up his workbench, placing a set of screwdriver heads back in their assigned places. You think for a couple more minutes, your expression growing more pained till you drop the pencil again. “How can I write the tape for someone I know barely anything about?”

“Don’t ask me,” Mark says. “I’ve never been one for words.”

You give him a shrewd look, as if confirming his words. “You have special uses.” You say, jumping off your stool and heading over to a stack of boxes, freshly delivered.

“Oh yeah, like what?”

You send him a small smile, “Brawn, muscle, inside info…” 

“Is that all I am?” Mark can’t help the flicker of irritation he feels, “A meathead?”

“No,” You return to him, catching on you may have offended him. “You…” A couple teeth sink into your lip, “You’re the only one whose behaving.” 

Mark glances towards the open door, connecting the room to the rest of the Nerve Gas House, “Go on.”

You turn cagey, “Ever since Mexico…”

“Ah,” Mark nods, “Say no more.”

“I don’t like what I’ve been hearing.” You admit, “The aim of all this was never revenge.”

“Was it not?” Mark enjoys how your head lifts up to meet his gaze, “Was that not why you got mixed up in all this?”

You fix him with eyes of steel, “Maybe…” You admit, “But not anymore. Seems we’re cut from the same cloth, Detective.”

Mark likes how you say his title, pronouncing every syllable distinctly, “You don’t know me. Not really.”

“Maybe we should work on that?”

Something gives a leap inside Mark. Before he can answer you’re back at the delivery boxes and Amanda is thudding through the door. Her steel toe capped boots echo on the wood, little patches of dust springing up where she steps. She pauses on catching Mark stood in the centre of the room, “Admiring my work?” She asks, tilting her head.

“I thought John made this one?” You pipe up, before Mark can.

“He did.” Mark confirms, “That’s why this one has some refinement.”

“But it was my idea to add the…” Amanda’s points to the walls and then places her hands a couple inches apart. She presses them together slowly, applying pressure. The visual is enough for Mark to look away.

You busy yourself with the boxes again, “There’s nothing but syringes.” You take out one to show the two apprentices.

Mark tosses you a pair of gloves, “Put them on, they probably aren’t clean.”

You make a face and drop the syringe you’re holding, “Great. I’m going to need a check-up after this.”

“Be thankful you’re not the poor bastard diving in there.” Amanda smirks, heading over to inspect the coffin trap. “Is this one done yet?”

“Just needs a couple tests,” Mark says. “Any volunteers?”

“You first.” Amanda holds her arms up as if she’s a presenter, “Get in there, Detective.”

“What about you, babe?” Amanda slinks over to you and throws an arm around your shoulders, “The glass isn’t in yet, it’ll be like taking a good nap.”

“Stop trying to scare her.” Mark’s voice comes out with more bite than he expected. 

Amanda’s eyes flash, “Why you protective all of a sudden, Hoffman?”

Mark would never confess to the bitch before him, but he’s made a mistake and Amanda knows it. “We’re not testing anything without John here.”

Amanda makes a noncommittal noise.

“If John approves it, I’ll test it.” You offer, “I trust him.” Amanda jumps back into performance mode, “Aren’t they precious?”

“If you put this on.” You gingerly remove from another box a very familiar contraption and hold it out for Amanda to see. Mark grins behind Amanda’s back. He can just picture the colour draining from her face. Amanda doesn’t move as you walk past her with the Reverse Bear Trap in hand, “Very funny.” She calls, trying to reclaim some of her bravado.

“I thought so.” You counter, placing the device on the workbench.

Amanda’s scowl only becomes more prominent the longer she stares at her old trap, “Why is that here?” “Inventory.” You supply, “Or so I’m guessing.”

“Something old can always be re-used.” John wheels himself into the room. Wheelchair bound, he surveys the glass coffin standing pride of place in the middle of the room. “Is Laura’s test finished?”

“Almost,” Mark busies himself with checking over the gears situated behind the coffin.

“Laura,” You repeat, scribbling something on your pad. “I couldn’t for the life of me remember.”

John appears amused at your choice of words, “Writer’s block?” You look up as John wheels himself over to you. The Reverse Bear Trap is sat just a few feet away, Mark doesn’t like how close you are to something so barbaric. With you showing John your tape speeches and Mark still preoccupied with the gears, Amanda sulks in the middle. She makes her way over to Mark’s toolbox and grabs a wrench, right in John’s line of sight. Mark thinks it’s pathetic behaviour, how co-dependent she’s become since Mexico. He can see that your worries were justified. She makes her way over to the trap, but Mark has left her with nothing to do.

“There’s one glaring issue I see with this entire game,” You say in a low voice. You glance over to Amanda, “Won’t they all get suspicious if every one of them has a trap but her?”

“What did you say?”

“Amanda,” John cautions as his apprentice as she wheels round on the spot.

“I just worry that something will happen.” You say, closing your notebook and leaning against the workbench. “Are you really betting on all them failing and Daniel just being the last one left alive?”

“He doesn’t have a trap either.” Amanda points out, “I’m not the only one.”

“He isn’t being tested.” John states simply, “That is why you are there, Amanda. To protect him.” He turns back to you, “Nor is Amanda being tested.”

‘I still think we should put something in there.” You hold up your hands, “I think it’s foolish to leave it to chance.”

“Not if you can predict the outcome.”

Mark has heard it all before from John Kramer. He knows your attempts are futile, so he finishes up his work on the coffin and with nothing else to do, makes his way to the door. “I’m done for the night.”

“Thank you, Mark.” John says, “The game begins tomorrow. I presume you’ll be in position?”

“On the monitors.” He nods.

He’s been excused. Mark should go home and rest up for a long day ahead tomorrow. But he can’t quite bring himself to leave. John has resumed helping you with writing out the tape for the trap, but Mark doesn’t like how Amanda won’t leave the two of you alone. Her new behaviour has made him protective. Mark would have liked you to finish up at the same time as him. Perhaps he could offer to drop you home and they could work on getting to know each other.

“You want to put me in that.”

You, John and Mark all turn to Amanda, “What?” You ask.

Amanda nods, “That.” She points to the Reverse Bear Trap, “You want that to be my test. You want me to do it again?”

John glances imperceptibly to Mark. He swallows, so John shares their concern about his favourite apprentice. “Do you know how stupid you sound?” Mark cuts in, taking up what he hopes is a casual position beside you. “Everyone knows you already escaped it. 24/7 news coverage.” You’re still leaning against the workbench as Amanda walks around it, her eyes fixed on you as if you were prey. 

“It’s not a bad idea,” You taunt, “Some poetic justice”, but Amanda doesn’t find it clever. 

She shoves the Reverse Bear Trap toward you, “You don’t deserve to be here.” She hisses. Mark swears he can hear a ticking sound as you brace your arms on the table, “Of all the people to win, it had to be you didn’t it?” “Fair and square.” You return and Mark finds himself wondering for the umpteenth time just what your own game was. Before Amanda, before Mark himself joined Jigsaw, you were tested and won. His eyes fall on the scar on your neck, all that remains of your own brush with death.

“Use your brain,” You counter and your face is far too close to the trap as you glare back at Amanda Young. “You’d have to wake up in it, or someone would have to put you in it. I don’t think either of those are going to work in this game.”

“How about you wake up in it, you bitch?”

Mark’s hands snake around your middle and yank you back just as the trap rips open with a loud bang. The ferocity makes both you and Amanda jump. You would have fallen off your stool if not for Mark’s chest breaking your fall. He can feel the sharp breaths you take as the Reverse Bear Trap cools down and lies dormant once more.

“Amanda, take the trap and put it in my office.” John says. His apprentice turns wide, teary eyes on him, but John’s face is expressionless. “Now.”

She obeys instantly, taking the trap and striding out of the room.

Mark slides you back onto your stool, “Thank you.” You murmur, hand jumping instinctively to your neck.

“Are you alright?” John asks and you nod. Mark can see right through you, he could feel the tremors of your body against his. That was a close call. 

“She’s out of line, John.” Mark says, “I don’t know what the fuck happened over there, but it’s messed with her.”

“Amanda will be fine.” John insists, “She will play her part, so long as she isn’t provoked.” You nod, understanding your own fault but Mark refuses to admit to his own. “Now Detective, I believe we’re finished here. I will see you both tomorrow for the final preparations.”

Mark watches John wheel himself out. The moment he’s gone you rest your forearms on the workbench and place your head on them. You let out a deep sigh. Mark’s never been good at consoling anyone. It’s just not what he does. Not since Angelina…

He spots your fallen notebook and places it beside you, “Need a ride home?” “I don’t think I want to go home.” You say, your voice weak.

“You don’t want to stay here.” Mark says, “You can’t anyway. They all…arrive tomorrow.”

“How can you do that?” You lift up your head, “How can you willingly put people in here knowing they will probably die?” Mark meets your eyes, “I convince myself they deserve to suffer.”

“You don’t lie awake thinking about it?”

“No,” He’s being honest. “I think it’s one less shitty person out there.”

“Then you must think that about me.” You push some hair out of your eyes and wrap your arms around yourself. “I’m not…you know what I did-“

“And you know what I did.” Mark takes you by your forearms, “Do you think I’m a monster?”

Your eyes dart around the room and then land on the glass coffin, “Sometimes.” Mark allows himself time to digest that, it isn’t what he wanted to hear. But your hands come to rest on his own forearms and then you’re pressing your forehead into his chest, “But you make me feel safe. You help me.”

He didn’t expect to earn such close proximity again, this time deliberately. Mark pulls you closer, your hands slide up to rest on his chest and Mark curses his choice to remain in a jacket. Your warmth is tantalising as it seeps into him. Mark tucks you into his large frame and winds his arms back around you.

It feels good to be wanted.

With your face smushed into him, Mark rests his head atop yours. He doesn’t know what else he can do, so he lets his eyes close. “We can look out for each other.” He proposes, “Should something happen.”

“I’d like that.”

[isleofair]

Thank you so much for the tag, @applescabs!!! 🥰💚

Are you named after anyone? After, of all things, a 15th century noblewoman (whom I always thought was a saint, but actually wasn't, I just found out!) My mom saw an amazing statue of her on a trip and loved it, and her name, so much that she named me after her.

When was the last time you cried? I teared up a little yesterday when I got my friend's wedding invitation in the mail. The last time I properly cried was... huh. I think a couple of weeks ago, watching TV. That's a fair amount of time for me to go without crying, so go me!

Do you have kids? No, and I don't want any.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? A bit less than I used to, and not a lot in general. Only when I think it will be funny, or when I need to make an underhanded comment about something that ticked me off but I can't do much about.

What sports do you play? None. I am a very inactive person, sadly. I hope I can at least start going on more walks as the season keeps warming up.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? If they seem friendly or not.

What’s your eye colour? A very, very dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings all the way. I can't handle scary stuff very well at all. 🫣

Any special talents? I'm fairly good at languages (I learned them easily in school and I usually have a decent shot at figuring out what a word might mean if it's in a language that has at least some relation to the ones I know/have studied). Sadly, the only one I'm still fluent in (besides Italian, of course) is English, because it's the only one I use regularly.

Where were you born? Italy, smack dab in the middle of the top part of the boot, lol

What are your hobbies? Writing fic, reading fic, scrolling Tumblr, playing video games (mostly just Pokémon), playing D&D, and very occasionally drawing or weaving bracelets or assembling jigsaw puzzles.

Do you have any pets? My two cats, Sasha and Misha 🥹🥹 They're tabby-and-white twins, they're almost 5 years old, and they're the ones I come home to. 💚💚

How tall are you? 164cm, although sometimes when I'm in a hurry I just say 1.65m 😅

Favourite subject in school? All the sciences and Math, though I also liked English when I started having it as a subject.

Dream job? Writing a single novel, or a trilogy or something like that, that becomes inexplicably popular, gets a movie deal, and gives me enough residuals to potentially live comfortably while bumming around on my couch writing fanfic for the rest of my life.

I am tagging (but only if they want to answer, zero pressure, as usual!) @nicoroni, @imaginatorofthings, @zimithrus1, @thekuraning, @saltedpin, @horikoshi-secret-ao3-account, @damedanedameyodamenanoyo, and anyone else who sees this and wants to play! 💖💖💖

[luveline]

I know this is a long shot and probably too asks you for, but pregnancy loss with Eddie? Im on my own in this and I lost my daughter last week at 24 weeks and I've been reading your fic to try to calm down before bed, I know it's a heavy ask feel free to ignore.

hey my love, i wanted to say thank you for your request, and that i am so, so sorry for your loss. i can't imagine how you feel, i know words just aren't accurate for how it must feel for you. i hope this can offer you even the tiniest bit of comfort, and that you're as okay as you can be during such a difficult time. all my love <3 

cw for pregnancy loss

Your face fits like a jigsaw piece in the curve of Eddie's neck. His chin presses gently to the top of your head, his arms wrapped loosely around your ribs where he holds you from behind. The bedroom is dark, and the TV is off. You can't bear the noise. 

His hand eases up to just under your chest. "Wanna try eating something?" he asks. 

"I don't think so," you say. Your voice is near monotonous. You know you're breaking his heart, if it isn't already completely shattered. You just can't seem to find the will to move. 

"No?" he asks, rubbing your sternum over your t-shirt gently. "That's okay. We can eat something in the morning, sweetheart. Just don't want you sleeping hungry." 

You turn your face further into his chest, rubbing your nose into his chest. You hope it says that you're here for him as he's here for you, but you're not feeling present. 

He smells like his hair conditioner even hours after he showered. You sniff. The sniff turns to a sniffle of its own accord, your hand coming to rest against your stomach. The pain of it all hits you like an unstoppable wave, and it's a surprise how quickly it can turn from an under the skin thrumming to full body agony. 

You can't breathe, it hurts that badly. 

Eddie sounds teary as he says, "Sweetheart, it's okay. It's okay." His face drops further down. He's pleading with you. "It's alright, just breathe." 

It's hard to quantify the feeling. Grief like paralysis. There's only one thing you want that could help, and it is devastating, because it's the one thing you can't have. Eddie's offered to do so much for you but he can't change what's happened. 

You press your hand to your stomach and the agony turns white hot —you can't think. 

Eddie hushes you softly, turning you in his embrace so he can pat your back. It's worse for a moment to be treated with the tenderness he would treat a child, knowing what you've lost, but the constant touch and rhythm helps you to breathe. To cry without gasping for air. 

"It's okay," he says again quietly. You think he might be crying too, his face hidden but his voice tenuously strung. "Please don't wind yourself up again, honey. I know it hurts, but you scared me… I need you to take it easy, please." 

"I–" Sobs from what feels to be the base of your chest shake apart your words. "I just want her, I just– I– Eddie. If I just–" 

"No," he cuts you off firmly. "Stop it." 

"But if I–" 

"Stop it. I'm serious. There was nothing else you could do." His arms cross over your back, the bridge of his nose pressed hard to your temple. "You did everything you could do. You did everything. And I'm so proud of you for how you're making it through this, I'm," —a breathlessness trips him up— "so sorry."

"It's not your fault," you say. You feel sick. 

"And it's not yours. You have to know that." 

You needle your arm under his back, clinging to his chest. "I'm scared I won't make it through this," you confess into his shirt, barely audible, your shoulders tensing.

"You will. I'm right here with you, but you're more than strong enough all by yourself. Strongest girl I ever met, and you can lean on me as long as you need to, alright? I don't care how long you need to feel like this, honey, s'long as you give yourself a break." The heel of his palm drives a long and slow path to the small of your back. "I love you. It's not fair." 

You tilt your head back and push your hand up to his cheek. He immediately moves into your palm. "I love you," you whisper. 

"Try and get some rest, alright? I'll be here when you wake up." Eddie meets your eyes. His gaze is sorry, and loving, and endlessly patient. "Promise." 

You squeeze your eyes closed and try to sleep. 

[alastor-simp-page]

Charlastor Week 2024: The Princess and the Cat

HELL YEAH GUYS! CHARLASTOR DAY 1 IS HERE! And its Cursed Cat Charlastor for the prompt!!!

I decided to do a Princess and the Frog type thing: cursed-ish edition. I'm so sorry.

Alastor is turned into a Cursed Cat Alastor and the curse can only be broken if he kisses a princess. Otherwise, the only princess in Hell: Charlie. Chaos ensues.

Alastor disliked Susan. No, more than disliked…despised that old bitch. However thankfully he had created a useful system to avoid said bitch: the AL system. Yes, simple, he knows. It could simply be a sentence but no, he insisted on naming it after himself.

The first step is: abort. Abort the situation at all costs. And if that fails which it usually does no matter how many times he tries to slink away. The second step: laugh it off with the woman until she finally leaves him alone. Neither of these were working at the moment as the old woman was jabbering her head off mingled spit with words and all. 

The AL system was unfortunately not flawless. And Rosie wasn’t flawless either. Rather a traitor is what he should call her. “Alastor, you know I really gotta get going. The Emporium calls.” She tapped him on the shoulder, sauntering away but not before he grabbed her wrist.

“No, Rosie, you can’t leave me with…” Alastor’s crimson eyes glanced back to Susan who was now jabbing her cane at him, “with this!” 

Rosie’s black eyes crinkled as she held back a laugh. All she did was lean in and peck him on the cheek before giving him a little wave, “Toot-a-loo, Alastor.” She called before hurrying down the sidewalk to the Emporium.

Ugh. Alastor scoffed. The audacity of that woman. He loved her all the same but, well…he had abandoned her the last time the pair had an encounter with the all too charming Susan. Fair enough. 

He grumbled as Susan fixed her glasses on her nose and quizzed, “You getting cozy with the princess of Hell, Bambi? Eh?” The words fell off her upheld tongue like poison onto the sidewalk. A few cannibals on the side of the road turned their heads at her words. His stomach flipped over and twisted in his insides. 

Instead, he tilted his head, “Well, she’s my business partner. Nothing more, nothing less, Susan.” He shifted on his loafers, his gaze shifting to the blinking sign in the far distance of the Hotel. Pink lights against the eternally blazing sky of Hell.

Thud. He stumbled a few feet back, dazed and confused until he saw her extended cane. The nerve of her! Did she jab him with her cane? She spat, “You’re a fool, Alastor. A goddamn fool.” The old bitch huffed, adjusting her feathered hat and glaring at her from behind her glasses, “You know, I like you even if you’re a bit dense.”

Confusion flooded his senses. Was he supposed to be flattered or insulted? It was perhaps better if he didn’t know which. He wasn’t a fool nor was he dense, yet he knew better than to have a loose tongue. The last time a demonic Susan had ripped through that wrinkled skin and squinty eyes it wasn’t pleasant, at all. Alastor would never admit it to a soul, but it was terrifying even. There was a reason why Susan was the head of the town: the ultimate ruthless cannibal.

“How do you feel about cats, kid?” Susan wrinkled her nose, studying him through the eyeglasses. This woman was endlessly confusing. Switching subjects like a broken radio station. He’d grown used to her strange habits unfortunately. 

“I hate them.” Alastor said plainly, arching a brow at her. If anyone was a cat person, it had to be this crazy old woman. Only a cat could endure the hardship of a woman such as Susan: the art of simply tolerating. 

“Good.” Susan grinned. Oh. Oh no. Susan grinning? In a panic, shadows started to wreath around his figure in a vain attempt to escape yet it was too late. 

Crimson light grasped his ankles dragging him down into the pavement. A strange sensation washed over him as if his atoms were being pulled apart and put together again. A jigsaw puzzle made of ten different puzzles, fitting pieces that didn’t fit together.

He blinked. The world felt a bit bigger. And he was met with a horrifying sight: Susan’s hairy ankles. A small screech escaped him as he scrambled back on his legs. Legs? Something was strange. More fur than usually scratched at him. 

An ice chilling cackle split any of the confusion in two. Susan squatted down and tapped him on the nose, cooing at him, “Aren’t you an ugly looking thing.” A mirror was grasped in her too long fingers, and she presented it to him, “Take a look.”

✽ 

“CHARLE! CHARLIE THERE’S A WERID ASS FUCKING CAT OUTSIDE!” The screaming awoke her. There was no mistake that it was Angel Dust’s voice. At this point it was routine. She blinked a few times as the light streamed across her bed, caressing her with its warm glow. Charlie groaned, sitting up in her bed and kicking on some fluffy slippers. 

No rest for the wicked, she supposed, perks of being the Princess of Hell. She stumbled out of the door into the empty hallway, half awake, and half asleep. That tired fogginess still clouded her brain as she dragged herself down the stairs.

She could handle a weird cat. At least Niffty hadn’t started another fire. Charlie didn’t know how many more coffee machines she could afford if that kept up. Her Dad might finally cut the trust fund.

“What? What! I’m here. What’s wrong?” Charlie almost flopped onto the floor as she dragged herself towards the crowd around the door. The carpet was soft enough that she wanted to curl up on it and go nap again. Well, she was the hotelier. Wait, she scanned the various heads of her guests. Where is Alastor? 

She frowned but still pushed her way through. So much for him handling “crisis duty” while she took a much-needed nap. Angel Dust let out a breath as he saw Charlie emerge, “Thank God, you’re here Charlie. What the fuck do we do with this?” He pointed a finger at the problem sitting on their doormat.

Charlie blinked once. Twice. It was a cat. Yes, a weird one, an appropriate description. It had an almost pomegranate colored fur and little black colored “socks” on its feet and far too fuzzy ears. It’s too wide crimson eyes glared up at her with one monocle placed under its right eye. A golden smile stretched across its face. It looked…familiar. She tilted her head at the sight. It was…weird but cute. 

Without thinking twice, she scooped up the little demonic cat in her arms. Vaggie screeched beside her, holding out a hand, “Charlie!” 

Something warm pooled in her heart as she looked at its too wide eyes. “Awww!” Charlie clutched the strange looking cat close to her chest, nuzzling her head into the top of its head. “You’re a little cutie, aren’t you?” She cooed.

“Put me down.” Something said. No, someone? Something? 

Charlie lifted her head, staring around at everyone. “Did someone say something?” Angel Dust looked to Husk who looked to Vaggie who then looked to Niffty. A shrug was the universal answer.  

“PUT ME DOWN!” The voice hissed louder. 

“Uh…I think the cat just talked,” Angel Dust stared wide eyed at the demonic bundle in her arms. 

“What?” Charlie looked down at the cat. Its smile was stretched thin, its ears all the way back.

And it spoke through its golden smile. “PUT ME DOWN!”

“GAHHHHH!” Charlie screamed as she dropped the cat like a sack of potatoes and stumbled a few steps back. A loud yell accompanied the chaos as everyone scrambled away from the demonic thing. 

To be continued underneath...

[my-own-walker]

Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Anonymous asked: Can you do some smut ab evan himself?

note: i am getting back into writing more small stories because i don't wanna get bored of the series haha. trying something a lil different

summary: in 2011, indie musician/rockstar reader has had a thing going with evan peters for a while. neither of them can stop thinking about each other. it's high time they talked it out.

warnings: sm*t, being delulu with a celeb fantasy, f1ngering, p in v, rushed plot lol

+

I loved doing strange things in the name of art. Even if it meant stirring up a bit of controversy. I had my fair share of weird music videos and clothing choices that turned heads. It's what you need to do to get noticed.

My band and I received some negative press when I said some...choice words about men in an interview. Why people were shocked that the female lead singer in a band had strong feminist viewpoints was beyond me. In my time away from working, aka, hiding from the controversy, I spent time socializing.

Being in my early 20s, I felt my freedom was stifled by my schedule and record label obligations. Now that I was being forced to step away, I had time for a social life. I went to more parties and met cool people. One of which being this guy, Evan.

Although we never said it to each other, I think we both knew.

From the moment we locked eyes, I knew one thing; I wanted to know him. I'm not sure if it was him or I that moved toward the other first, but we met in the middle of the crowded room, like a fucking movie, and he said:

"You look...you look very nice. B-beautiful, I mean. Damn, why can't I speak?" He looked around bashfully, saying 'I hope no one heard that' with his eyes.

I returned the compliment with a lopsided grin and a simple, "I'm Y/N."

After a lengthy conversation off in a corner somewhere, I wrote my number down on the back of his hand and took off, fucking off back to my apartment to seem mysterious. I waited by my cellphone with bated breath, seeing if he'd follow the "three-day rule." He texted me within an hour of me leaving.

We saw each other regularly for weeks after, continuously finding reasons to hang out. I was a spellbound darling in the haze of a precious love story, fawning over a starry-eyed boy.

My desire to seem aloof and therein more appealing, though, made me act coy in his presence. I could see it in his eyes that he felt the same, but I wasn't about to make that my problem. My fear of rejection kept me from overstepping the line of friendship.

Another drunken night at a bar after seeing some indie band play left me with some bad press again. I got caught mouthing off to a photographer who was hounding me in the street. A classic story, right?

Due to that, though, I was seriously put in time-out by my label, them advising me to stay home for a while. To avoid nightlife, that is. Just until it all blew over. I sat bored in my apartment, trying to write songs when my cell phone buzzed.

E: hey!!! how are u?

you heard :/

E: yeah. bummer :^(

i'll be fine. more time to b productive!

E: what are u up to now?

about to make dinner :D

E: ooo whatcha makin?

salad!

E: make enough for 2?

I can ;)

E: what's ur address? i'm coming over

I threw my phone onto the couch and sprung into action. I had to make the space look as presentable as possible for his visit. We had known each other for about a month, but neither of us had been to each other's place.

It took him next to no time to arrive. The knock at the door announced his arrival. I physically dropped what I was doing to let him in, anxious to see him.

He stood outside my door, rosy cheeks and bleach-blonde hair making his appearance seem almost ethereal. His eyes sparkled when he saw me.

"Come in," I smiled, gesturing toward the open space of my living room.

"Wow, it's nice in here," he cooed. I parted from him to return to making dinner. I watched as he observed the space and meandered over to the sofa, flopping down a a large sigh.

"What's the matter?" I asked, laughing.

"It was an ordeal getting in, is all," he chuckled, leaning forward in his seat to peer in at me.

"Why? My doorman is rather nice..." I returned.

"No, I made sure I got in in a way that I couldn't be seen," he explained. "I know you probably don't want to get caught with a mysterious guy sneaking into your apartment,"

"And why's that, Evan?" I challenged, finishing up and heading into the living room to sit with him.

"Big news, and all," he said, bashfully. "All things considered."

"I'm not worried about it, honestly," I assured him, putting a hand on his arm. "I've found that once you've ruined your reputation, you can live quite freely."

He coughed lightly and pulled at the collar of his sweater before sitting back with his arms crossed, very obviously checking me out with a smirk on his face. I ran my hand through my hair and adjusted the way I was sitting. So many words to say, but neither of us had the courage to do so.

All at once, Evan's lips were on mine. At first, I tensed up and pulled back, then, I relaxed into it, putting a hand on his cheek. We kissed passionately, his arms eventually snaking around my waist and pulling me even closer.

"My god," he gasped, pulling away. "You're fun to kiss."

I could only reply with a bashful laugh, my cheeks burning red.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while," he exhaled.

"I've been wanting you to do that for a while," I returned, resting my hand on his chest. He looked down at the touch and back up at me with a glint in his gaze. The moment lingered, and I was spellbound in the light of his undivided attention.

"I never pictured myself getting this far. I don't know what I'm doing, quite frankly," he admitted, his brows turned up in disbelief.

I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his, pausing for a moment before giving in to the need to kiss him again. We pressed our foreheads together in the tightest embrace, this being the result of weeks of restraint.

Although we never said it to each other, I think we both knew.

His left hand threaded in my hair, his right still firmly wrapped around me, I was lit on fire. The all-consuming moment made it hard to breathe. I wanted him all at once. I wanted his very essence to touch every part of me. Every cell and fiber and bone in my being.

It mattered not what was going on in the world. The problems and the hurt and the unrest. At that moment, it wasn't our fight. Not our war. No longer a worry.

Evan was the only thing that mattered. Him.

"I need you," I murmured against his lips, grabbing the fabric of his shirt in my hands and pulling him on top of me.

It was like diving into the ocean, too swept up in the current to realize I was drowning in him. His hands were all over me. Pulling at my clothes and feeling at the glimpses of bare skin underneath.

I wanted all of it.

Just as I tugged his sweater over his head. Just as he pulled at my t-shirt. Just as I undid his belt. Just as he slid my skirt down over my knees. Just as he threw his own jeans across the room. A warmth spilled into my chest and spread outward. His presence soaked through my skin.

His lips ran up my neck and stopped next to my ear. "Okay?" he whispered.

"Yes," I breathed.

He spread my legs apart softly before lining himself up with my entrance. I moaned in his mouth when he penetrated me. He kissed me until all I could breathe was him. I ran my hands up his naked back as he found his rhythm.

I lost track of time. I was intoxicated by the heat of the moment, the warmth of his body, the waves of intense pleasure. There was something there that was real and raw and rare. We fit together like a jigsaw falling into place.

Before long, I found myself ready to succumb to the waves of pleasure. Evan must have seen it, because he paused for a moment, to say: "Not yet, beautiful." He pulled out of me and kissed me all over my body, tauntingly slow.

Then, he slid his fingers into me, setting a lazy rhythm that made my back arch and my toes curl. I existed at his very will. And all at once, after clinging desperately, I let go with a light moan. The pressure boiled over. Shudders shook me as I rested my forehead on his.

Evan's hands tightened on my waist. "Alright?" he asked, making sure he had permission to enter me again. I nodded.

He slid in. My arms were wrapped around his shoulders, my uneven breaths fanning his throat. He came with a masculine groan. The moment soaked through my skin. I could have lived in it forever.

We lay together in momentary bliss, I stroking his sweaty hair, him tracing shapes onto my arm with his finger.

"I love you," he whispered, before pausing entirely and saying a bit louder, "god, I mean, I love, holding...you."

I chuckled softly and guided his chin up to kiss me again. "You do?" I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

"I didn't mean to say that but yeah, I think I love you," he replied bashfully.

"Well, I think I love you, too, Evan," I smiled. He hugged me tighter, inhaling deeply in the crook of my neck. "God, I forgot all about dinner," I spoke after a beat. "Are you hungry?"

"No, not for salad," he laughed. "If I'm being honest, I don’t even like it. I just lied to get to your apartment."

+

DID MY BEST TO "TEXT" LIKE IT WAS 2011 FORGIVE ME!!! CRINGE!!! This was a fun one to write hope u like it and pls lmk if you do!!! (but not if you don't)

[revalition]

HELLO!!! congrats on finishing the intellect skills!!! :D!! this ask is your free pass to share any INT quotes you didn't get to share this week >:3!!! i would LOVE to read all of your cool quotes!!! <33 (if you have more than can fit in this ask i CAN AND WILL SEND YOU ANOTHER if you want me to!! hkjg <333)

hello voli!! ooh... I like this. You also get my not-asked-for comments on them, yay!

fair warning that most of these are probably 'less good' quotes since i had to pick and choose the ones I liked best to put in the posts. but. anyway.

making a cut here because it's gonna be loooong

lots of Logic ones! he has the most passives of all the skills so...

hehe logic won't let you mess up some important stuff!

this second one, Kim will stop you. And if Kim's not there, Reaction Speed will stop you (easy). And if RS doesn't fire, Logic stops you haha.

he gets so excited! very rarely!

go go logic deny it!

big one, but I love when so many talk at once. yeah logic, why didnt you think of it?? hmm??

as always, it's you who's dumb! never ever logic

it's endlessly funny to me when the skills ask the others to contribute and then they just... dont show up.

good question...

This one is SO funny. Logic. ily. this is also a Medium check!! I completely missed this one when searching through earlier. I wish fayde could just bomb my computer with all the logic dialogue so I could sift through 80 pages of it, instead of limiting it to 100 results :(

(this shows up if the query is too big - Sorry, all the words from your query were filtered out. Please use less common words, and ones which are longer than 1 letter (partial and mid-word matches count, you see, so searching 'd' would return everything with a 'd' in it, and that's like 53,000 records, you won't want to read all that!) and, like... no, no, you are severely underestimating me. I actually do want to read all that, desperately)

anyway.

Logic passive fails my beloved

is he not creative enough to make something up?? echem, drama, and inland come up with times for him

hghhk the great serotonin jackpot. I'm super normal about electrochemistry. who is NOT an int skill and will have to wait. logic's comment heals your morale!!

ah yes, very normal things for a joyrider to have in their car. ty logic!

his love of jigsaw puzzlessss

what could go wrong??

related:

this is a different check! but thank goodness for these guys and their stupidly brilliant ideas. saved the day in my 1 INT run.

wow! sarcastic logic my beloved. one second before empathy throws moralism at you

mmm, this one isn't super logic focused, but you can't get this dialogue without passing the challenging Logic passive... and it's really interesting.

this is about to get really rambly but I read a story once about if when you die, your soul travels to a timeline where the flow of events was different and you didn't die. But as your life progresses, avoiding death becomes less and less likely... (eg, avoiding death by getting hit by a bus would take you to a very similar timeline. But avoiding death from old age...) and by the end, the world was unrecognizable. It was a bit sad... I wish I could remember what it was called.

This dialogue reminded me of it. Of the improbable futures. A world where you hit that 3% chance on the dice over and over and it slowly changes everything.

anyway!!

if you didn't deduce that the 2mm hole in the world is a baby pale, a Legendary Logic passive can deduce that it's really off that your radio is catching entroponetic crosstalk all the way in Martinaise.

If you deduce the pale in the church, Soona comments that the recording in the electronic doorbell is likely crosstalk, and Kim makes a comment about often getting crosstalk on the police radio as well.

But it doesn't seem like anyone else has come to the same conclusion...

Harry knows a lot more about the pale than he should.

The final rest state for reality.

hustler logic!!

Logic... come on man. this is not helping. The whole dream is so horrible. He's so nonchalant about it too.

Look at this! The variable is called volition tea... Conceptualization imagining the yummy ginger tea for you is so sweet

I love this. Poor Kim...

Thank you Conceptualization. We would be lost without you.

:(((

poor harry

KIM don't take away concy's poetic name!! >:(

I love these twooo.

and that's apparently 30... uhm. I got extra logic and conceptualization ones in at least..?

you can feel free to send another ask if you actually want even more haha

I was supposed to spend tonight assembling volition quotes!!! and then I somehow got sidetracked on this for (checks clock...) 2 hours. oops. but it's okay cause I picked up lots of other great quotes to shove into my giant doc!

ok :) that's it. thank you for the ask!!! hopefully you don't regret asking (though if you do... you should have known better lol)

[the--highlanders]

I hope you don't mind me asking but what are your favourite Jamie EU stories?

oh my god not at all, I never mind being asked about my favourite little guy <33

I'm gonna break this down by media type, but there's some parts of the eu like comics that I'm not super familiar with, so if anyone wants to add some of those on (or any other eu stories) then go ahead!!

putting this under a cut because it got LONG rip

big finish

the jigsaw war

jamie is trapped inside a puzzle, experiencing events out of order, and has to figure out how to escape. this is THE audio for me in terms of like. recognising that jamie isn't stupid just because he comes from the eighteenth century. he really gets to shine on his own rather than being relegated to 'dumb exposition prompter' (which I feel like some audios can be kinda guilty of.....) also the fact that two and jamie canonically have a strong enough connection to form a psychic link over long distances makes me chew through glass. this audio GETS it in a way some others just don't.

the glorious revolution

two, jamie, and zoe travel back to the time of the glorious revolution, the event that set the jacobite cause in motion, and jamie grapples with not being able to change the past. if you saw that audio snippet going around a couple days ago you'll have an idea of why I'm reccing this one. it has been a while since I've listened to it & I do really want to relisten and check it out for historical accuracy. but regardless it's another one that gives jamie some of the depth he deserves, this time in terms of emotional depth and his feelings about his backstory.

the selachian gambit

two, jamie, ben, and polly get caught in the middle of an alien bank heist. this one is pretty focused on ben, polly, and jamie as a trio - they're largely taking on the action while two keeps the detective work of the plot chugging along. jamie doesn't hugely stand out here in terms of the audio really adding something to his character, but it does show his dynamic with ben and polly pretty well. in particular there's some great scenes with him and ben working together, and I love their friendship a lot so that's always a good time.

honourable mentions: helicon prime (I do feel this one underutilises jamie a bit and undersells him in some weird ways, but if you're looking for two/jamie content you can't get much gayer than this. plus it's the origin of the whole 'jamie and kirsty get married' thing which I hate on principle & am obsessed with in practice), the phantom piper (it's got so much more potential than it gives imo but the tidbits that we get are so good. jamie's relationship with his grandparents.... his best friend taking a bullet for him and dying in his arms...... I just wish I could explain to the author that there's no such thing as a bedroom door in a blackhouse)

novels

the roundheads

two, jamie, ben, and polly travel back to the 1600s, and get largely split up by events unfolding around them. this is a pure historical and it delights in that. if you're after ben and polly content, the roundheads delivers on that too - but it really is some great early twojamie content. (whatever way you choose to read them - it's definitely a shippable book if you're into that). they spend the majority of the book together, both for plot reasons and just hanging out (they go to a frost fair!! two buys jamie treats and then makes himself a flower crown!!) and you get a great sense of jamie figuring two out early into his travels, and how he's far more interested in the doctor as a person than some other companions - he's the only one to show interest in susan when the doctor namedrops her, for instance. this is the best two-era book to me.

the wheel of ice

two, jamie, and zoe visit a space station built a little before zoe's time, and find that not everything is as it seems. again, this is a great one for zoe content as well as anything else, and for some very sweet moments with zoe and two. I don't necessarily feel this one always nails two and jamie's dynamic, but they don't spend a massive amount of time together here, so it's not too jarring. really I'm reccing this because of the scenes where jamie falls in with a bunch of teenagers from the space station, and finds himself kind of responsible for them. it's just nicely done and gives a good sense of jamie as a caretaker character and someone who feels a drive to be responsible for other people.

honourable mention: the episode novelisations (these are a lot of fun, especially if you have particular episodes you enjoy. they often add in extra details, background for side characters, or just little things from the episodes that were cut from the script. I really like them for adding a bit more depth and life to existing stories, and just little things that make you go 'yeah I'll add that to my belief system').

short stories

the time eater/across silent seas

two and jamie give a massive time-eating creature a funeral, and save a space whale from being turned into a weapon. both from the compilation destination prague. literally nobody gets me like the destination prague stories get me I'm not even kidding. these are THE eu two stories to me. both of these are arguably 6b, and they really work in that position - both in showing two and jamie with a very settled, devoted dynamic and in their themes and subject matter. the time eater is a story with no villain, and even the incidental threat of the dying creature causing havoc in time is secondary to the emotional keystone of jamie helping two accept death rather than running away. across silent seas has jamie nearly being aged to death and two absolutely losing it. they're both really about age and death and loss, which hits hard for 6b, with jamie's determination to stay with two forever and two's growing realisation that even if jamie doesn't choose to leave or survives their adventures, his lifespan is still going to be far shorter.

the age of ambition

two, jamie, and victoria land at the house of one of victoria's father's friends, only to find he has been trying to reanimate the dead. from the compilation life sciences. this is really a victoria story, probably the defining victoria story for me. it's got backstory, it's got gothic horror/victorian scientific ambition vibes in a similar way to evil of the daleks, it's got victoria character moments. but it's also a really crucial story for jamie, to me. as a character, I don't think jamie never quite forms into the brawny action man stereotype he was originally drafted as - and that's one of the things I love most about him. again he's too much of a caretaker, he's a piper rather than a soldier. he's rarely truly angry, even when he fights he never seems out to cause much actual harm, and you get the sense his protectiveness over his friends wars with this almost inability to do harm. the age of ambition GETS that and pushes it to the extreme, with jamie being unable to fire a killing shot to save his friends, to the point where victoria has to do it herself. it's such a compelling character moment for both of them and their dynamic.

on a pedestal

two, jamie, and victoria travel back to meet william wallace, who jamie idolises. from the compilation the quality of leadership. this is another one that really gets and hones in on a particular nuance of jamie's character - in this case, the strength and rigidity of his morals and sense of responsibility, and his dislike of people who fall short of that. he's faced with the fact that someone he admires was once careless, lax about taking responsibility for their actions even when other people are at risk, and just a bit childish. it shakes him, and he spends much of the story grappling with that. it's such a good look into the qualities that jamie admires versus the ones that he can't stand. but that's balanced out with some very sweet moments (the whole scene with two, jamie, and william wallace going fishing is very fun and again gives a nice little snapshot of two and jamie having this very settled, secure dynamic). AND jamie gets recognised as a basically supernaturally gifted piper which. love to see jamie actually getting to be a musician, love to see him piping without it being the butt of a 'bagpipes suck and everyone hates them' joke.

honourable mentions: that which went away (this is the 'jamie turns into a bear' story I'm always talking about. I do think it has some major issues in terms of weird primitivism, both in terms of the side characters and how it treats jamie, but also. jamie turns into a bear. and two begging him to come back to him is just *chefs kiss*), undercurrents (two vanishes from the tardis and another man mysteriously appears. jamie believes this newcomer has done something to harm two, and very nearly kills him for it. this is one of the few moments where jamie gets really, properly angry and is willing to actually cause harm and I LOVE to see him pushed past the breaking point of his usual moral code), the slave war (two, jamie, ben, and polly in the roman empire. also really good for ben and polly content, but there's some interesting stuff with jamie grappling with the idea of becoming involved in another rebellion, but ending up getting involved anyway)

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

May I request a BG3 matchup?

30; afab agender; rampantly bisexual. Medical lab tech (not the cool kind), about to start grad school for forensic biology. I collect postcards and preserved specimens, and raise tarantulas + other bugs. Enjoy making nature journals, birdwatching, puzzles, music, theatre, museums, analyzing horror media, building models, working with clay, writing, reading, and board games (though I get a bit too competitive). Great in the kitchen. Autistic/ADHD. Get sensory overloaded easily. Love meeting people but mostly wish I could exist invisibly and not speak. Chronic pain limits physical activities. Most content during stormy days with candles and coffee, baking or doing a jigsaw puzzle with the windows open and music playing. Think I'm unattractive and obnoxious. OCD + bipolar dictate a lot of my brain. Tendency to word vomit and have difficulty articulating off of paper. Complain a lot and can be passive aggressive. But also like to see people happy and taken care of, and want to leave things better than I find them when possible.

A/N: Alright Tarantula Anon, since you mentioned you’re bisexual, but didn’t state a gender preference, I’ve picked out the best matches- one male and one female for you.

Your best Baldur’s Gate 3 Matches would be Astarion (Male) and Minthara (Female)!

➶ Astarion is also a character I would characterize as “rampantly bisexual” (or pansexual to be more specific in his case lol). Gender presentation isn’t something he factors into attractiveness. If he likes you, he likes you. If he thinks you’re hot, he thinks you’re hot, etc. You get the idea.

Being an immortal vampire, Astarion knows a thing or two about biology. Mainly about how to remain undetected among the human population. In the game, he explains how he never smells like a typical vampire or vampire’s den because he makes a point to scent himself with a mix of fragrances. And while he may not be a medical professional, he’s certainly had his fair share of anatomy lessons, be it distant viewings at the food of Cazador, from the many creatures he’s been forced to seduce. It’s not an exact equivalent, but I do believe he would be fascinated by the kind of work you do regarding live and preserved specimens.

And while I don’t think he’s a bug person (mainly because they were his one source of nutrition for so many years), I think he could be taught to appreciate them over time. Perhaps you could show him how all creatures, even small ones, are incredibly unique and have their own role within our vast universe. It’s humbling to think we are all so incredibly tiny and yet vastly important to the people around us.

There’s so much he’s missed out on experiencing, I think he’d quite like doing any of those activities with you: birdwatching, solving puzzles, listening to music, going to the theater or the museum, tinkering, making ceramics, writing, or reading, or playing board games… Anything! Everything! He especially enjoys the competitive nature of your games. He finds he quite likes the feeling of winning, and he plans on doing it more often. Don’t worry though, he’ll play fair. Well, fair for him, anyway.

He cannot eat so he doesn’t get to fully appreciate your kitchen prowess. But he does enjoy helping you cook. It’s strangely comforting for him to do something so domestic. It’s in moments like those, that he can see the rest of your lives together playing out.

Similarly to you, Astarion loves meeting new people. Or at least he thinks he does. So much of his extroversion was a facade, he’s not certain what part of his people skills are him and which parts were survival. So he needs time in between, away from crowds and strangers to calm down and recharge. He’s grateful that you often tug him away, reminding him to excuse the two of you before either one of you gets too overwhelmed.

He may not be a magic user, but he does what he can to support you in managing your chronic pain. He’ll get Halsin or Shadowheart or even Gale to lessen some of your symptoms. He doesn’t try to cure your condition, nor does he expect you to cure his. However, if finding a more permanent solution to your pain is something you’d want, he’s more than ready to take that journey with you.

He doesn’t think for a second that you’re obnoxious. And trust him on that. He’s met some of the most obnoxious, overwhelmingly annoying magistrates and lords in his first life. He assures you constantly: that you are nothing like them. You’re smart and kind and beautiful. Even if you can’t see it, he sees it for you. Astarion knows what it’s like to live with a body (and by extension a brain) that tells you you’re never good enough. There are still moments when he can’t see himself in a mirror for example, when he thinks of himself as a monster. He’s so grateful you’re there to comfort him and tell him otherwise.

His favorite thing in the world is to cuddle with you next to a large bay window, watching nighttime thunderstorms roll in, a book in his lap and you beside him.

☾ Minthara is often characterized as closed-off and cold. Which you could argue is true. Or you could see it as her being logical, and protective of herself and her heart. She is a drow, and by nature, well accustomed to the more gruesome side of human nature. She feels at home surrounded by macabre, whereas others may be disturbed. I think she’d find your work fascinating. And spiders are something she knows a lot about. Drows and spiders go hand in hand. She sees tarantulas as the perfect pet, they’re small enough to be contained but large enough to have personalities and be something incredible to watch.

She especially enjoys reading horror stories with you or visiting theaters or museums with horror exhibits. Perhaps one about ancient methods of torture- now that would tickle her fancy. And she appreciates your wit and candor when it comes to playing games or solving puzzles with you. So few people treasure such traits in a companion, but not her. She knows how important it is to have a discerning significant other, especially if you are going to be spending any time in the Underdark with her, where being perceptive is a must for survival. She loves your cooking. As a drow noble, she was familiar with the concepts of fancy feasts and indulgent desserts. However, due to her position, she could never truly enjoy them, for fear of being poisoned by enemies. With you doing the meal-making, she doesn't have to worry about that anymore.

Unlike you, however, Minthara is not that fond of meeting other people. She much prefers the two of you keep to yourselves unless otherwise necessary. People are tiring, and so often unimportant. She sees no need to waste her time and social graces on them. You’re the one she loves. If she’s going to do something with anyone or make an effort, it’s going to be for you and you alone.

She used to think admitting pain was weak, now however, she knows it takes an inner as well as outer strength. She will go to whatever length to ensure your comfort. Simply say the word and she will get it for you. In seeing your survival, Minthara has developed a great admiration for you as a person, seeing how resilient you are. That being said, she will not tolerate you speaking poorly of yourself. You are wonderful. You are strong in mind and spirit. You are intelligent and wise. You are gorgeous. You mean everything to her. She will not hear you put yourself down. She would not choose an unworthy mate, so do not think for a second that you are not deserving of her love and affection.

But by all means, do complain. The world can be so frivolous and pedestrian. She enjoys having someone who not only accepts hearing her own complaints but joins in with their own as well. You can be passive-aggressive in your grievances because she is extremely direct. If something bothers you, she’ll simply ask you if you wish her to kill it. And no she doesn’t care if that’s morally wrong, because for you, she would move heaven and earth if it made you happy.

She is fiercely loyal and now that she is your loving partner, you cannot shake her. She is utterly and wholly devoted to you.

[allegedly-writer]

saw ask. so let's say hypothetically (not really) all the apprentices are autistic (they are) headcanon them

Hi!! I do love some good autistic apprentice content so here we go

Lawrence:

Masking king, he's always seemed just a little Off since childhood but his parents browbeat him into submission

Finds out he's autistic after Diana is diagnosed and he's like "well that's silly she's just like me as a child....wait...."

Prefers bland food, eats like a peasant from the 1400s (white bread, rice, simply cooked vegetables etc etc)

Has misinterpreted so many social cues in his life but gets away with it for the most part

I like to think his and Alison's first date was due to a misunderstanding about what "studying together" entailed

Struggles with empathy a LOT but is a genuinely caring person when he can figure out how to say what he wants

Amanda

Sensory seeking in a lot of ways but also very particular about what she likes, if a texture is even a little bit wrong for her she gets immensely irritable

Hates loud noises but loves concerts/loud music bc she contains multitudes

Strong sense of fairness ever since she was younger, only made more extreme by all the Jigsaw stuff

Enjoys having long hair but struggles to care for it consistently due to sensory stuff and executive function

I can see her having deep interests in both engineering and art and trying to combine the two

Mark

Flat affect for days, very rarely emotes at all

Had very few friends when he was younger and wasn't really bothered by that, he was really only ever close with his sister

Has had the same lunch for the past 20 years and isn't about to stop

Struggles with reading for pleasure, prefers non-fiction over fiction

Adam (as a bonus)

Has a limited diet to sensory stuff, Lawrence thinks he eats like a child

Has very limited filter which was a huge detriment as a child but now he's learned how to turn himself funny

Photography as a special interest and has been since he was very young

[mcyt-sh1t]

may i request a headcanon/ fic of punz helping u with ur addiction to smoking? (cigarettes or juul/vape) i need some comfort rn :,)

“YOU REALLY GOTTA STOP THIS..” ー punz x reader (oneshot)

ー summary ₊˚◝ punz comforts/tries to make reader stop smoking/vaping/juul (I CAN’T FIND THE ANON ASK??? - 25/07/2023 | 26/07/2023 - nvm i found it &lt;;3)

| or; where punz learns that you can’t stop smoking and tries his best to help you stop or at least make you cope in another way

ー ₊˚◝ punz x gn!reader small oneshot

ー warnings ₊˚◝ smoking mention(obviously), a bit of swearing? use of petnames and good girl? (do i even have to tag that- its not used sexually i swear)

ー notes ₊˚◝ the original title/summary is from an anon i got a long long time ago all credit goes to them, i just wrote this idea out, so thank you again for the idea <33 | fair warning i’m not really in the mcyt fandom anymore but i want to at least try to write the ideas you all gave me and i haven’t published yet)

i quickly searched my jean pockets until i found a rough metal box that made my fingers cold instantly. i took it out of the denomination and folded the cap. my thumb ran along both sides of the box. a small but fiery flame blasted from above. it shook in the air waiting for me to ignite it. but it only reached the end of the cylinder. immediately a thick smog enveloped each of my scenes bitterly.

the cigarette seemed to fit perfectly between my thin fingers like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle. Smoke arose and formed a work of art. i applied it to my lips and let the craft flow into my breath. my breathing became more relaxed. every time i inhaled, i exhaled gently in an amazing pattern. i closed my eyes effortlessly. i continued to breathe in silence. the smoke was carried by the wind. It made its way along the melody of the rain thundering on the patio floor. 

"hi." i heard a raspy voice say and almost immediately i felt cold hands wrap around my waist.

"hi."

"what are you doing?" he asks clearly still half asleep.

"nothing. go back to sleep, you idiot. you're clearly tired."

"hm.. nope."

"why are you stubborn? go, now."

"nope."

"fine, stay then."

"why do you want me gone that badly?" he asks with a laugh but then spots the cigarette between my lips. "uh, i thought you stopped that?"

"huh?" i ask confused by his question but then remember the cigarette in my hand. "ohh. yeah, i did. well i tried to. didn't work very well." i say putting it back in between my lips again.

"right. give me that."

"what? oh you want a go? okay."

he grabs the cigarette from my lips and just when i think he's about to put it in between his lips, he drops it on the floor and smushes it till the flame goes out.

"hey what the fuck! i was using that!" i say angrily looking at him smirking. "it's not funny. stop smirking, you idiot." i say lightly pushing him.

"oh it is so funny. why are you so upset about a cigarette anyway?"

i stay silent for a while. when i finally lift my head up to look at him, he's looking at me with patience. he seems to understand. "helps me cope, i guess." i say while trying to grab another but i'm stopped by him grabbing the box from my hand. "hey! give that back!"

"nope. mine now."

"wow okay."

"you really gotta stop this.." he says hiding the box in his pocket which he zips up making it harder for me to reach for it considering its by his side.

"i know. i tried."

"try harder please."

"okay, i will."

"good girl. i'm proud of you."

"thank you, love you"

"love you too, idiot"

"i'm your idiot"

"indeed."

ー end ramble ₊˚◝ is this even good? i don't know- help.

[winreyplace]

Intro: Sean Renard

My Name: Sean Emile Renard My Personality: I possess lawful, gracious, and fastidious qualities. I'm one of the more reserved members of the family, preferring to carefully listen to others before expressing my own thoughts. My discerning palate and polished demeanor has at times gotten me called pretentious or overly particular, but I take it all in stride with a good-natured attitude when teased for those behaviors. My Birthday: October 21st, 1981 Species/Cultural Identity: Half-Zauberbeist Half-Human My Gender Orientation: I am a Neutrois man* and prefer masculine words and pronouns My Sexuality: Aromantic Asexual My Disabilities/Conditions: Autism Physical Description: I stand at 6 feet 4 inches tall, a stature that often draws attention. My eyes are a clear green, set beneath a brow that's framed by ash-brown hair, cropped short for a neat appearance. My skin is fair, untouched by excessive sun exposure. My build is substantial and sturdy, with broad shoulders tapering slightly to a narrower waist, creating a subtle V-shape that speaks to both strength and proportion. Overall, my physique could be described as robust but comfortable. My Relationships: Boyfriend: Nick Burkhardt; QPPs: Logan Noble and James ‘Howlett’. Other Intimate relationships: Damien G******-Sprinkles, Butler, Sara, and Theo Raeken. I’m also Renny to both Lav and Mel in both a parental and kink capacity as requested. My Hobbies/Interests: I enjoy reading, logic puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, BDSM roleplay scenario planning, bookkeeping, grooming, and a little bit of coin collecting. My Canon Backstory:

I was born a royal bastard my father was the king of Kronenburg (a small country in North America), and my mother was the Hexenbeist he was smitten with. We were forced to flee to the United States when his wife swore to kill us both, where I was raised and educated in the ways of both human and Wesen. I went on to exercise my ambitions by working my way up the ranks in Portland's police department (a career I have thoroughly denounced since then) as a way to maintain a royal influence on the local Wesen population. I spent the last few years of my canon life alternating between antagonist and grudging ally to Nick and his friends. Mel and Lav took me partway through my canon show, though I still have many hazy exomemories of later points in my canon self's story that I did not personally experience. My Bond Backstory: I was having lunch one day in my world when Nick showed up suddenly (notably after calling in a few vacation days and disappearing without a trace) with a young lady and introduced her to me as Mel. I had a peculiar sensation at the time of meeting her that I did not fully understand, and it made me suspicious. I pressed Nick to explain exactly who she was and why she was here, and he stammered through an explanation of munbonding and parallel worlds that barely made sense, but I couldn't help being intrigued. As someone who liked to be fully aware and in control of all avenues of power at my disposal, missing an opportunity to take advantage of the situation was inadmissible. I later understood that the parallel world Nick was referring to was both Winrey Place and the world that Lav and Mel lived in that we could visit through "fronting" in their bodies, and that the peculiar sensation inside me was the pull of a potential munbond. It was an interesting first few days where I learned a lot all at once. I will admit that walking into the situation I did wasn't my first choice at the start. I had built up enough networks and prestige in Portland that retiring from it all and leaving it behind would have been unthinkable, were it not for that first moment of settling into bed with the girls and being truly seen for who I was and who I was meant to be, reaching right into my soul. It was…inspiring. The Beast inside me wanted it and craved to possess it, and I realized a whole new way to meet the goals I'd pursued for so long. And over time, the hunger for power and control gave way to, well, a hunger for love, food, and a unique family I never thought I was meant to have.

[mariana-oconnor]

The Boscombe Valley Mystery pt 2

Not part 3... yet. I didn't check my email until after both parts had been sent, so I managed to do these in the right order. Woo!

A lean, ferret-like man, furtive and sly-looking, was waiting for us upon the platform. In spite of the light brown dustcoat and leather-leggings which he wore in deference to his rustic surroundings, I had no difficulty in recognising Lestrade, of Scotland Yard.

Another flattering description. Although I must say, 'leather leggings'?? We were robbed. I have never seen a version of Lestrade wearing leather leggings and a duster. He sounds more like he's LARPing than investigating a crime. It's so steampunk of him. Like... this is the kind of thing people wear as a steampunk outfit and other people say it's not Victorian.

If leggings were a different thing back then Do Not Tell Me! I want to live with this image forever.

"It is entirely a question of barometric pressure." Lestrade looked startled. "I do not quite follow," he said. "How is the glass? Twenty-nine, I see. No wind, and not a cloud in the sky. I have a case-full of cigarettes here which need smoking, and the sofa is very much superior to the usual country hotel abomination. I do not think that it is probable that I shall use the carriage to-night." Lestrade laughed indulgently.

Is this Holmes' long-winded way of saying that he doesn't need the carriage because it's not going to rain? But then he's also saying he's not going out because the sofa is so comfortable. (Coming up: S Holmes' monograph on the relative comfort of differing couches and their proxximity to the countryside).

Also, Lestrade is just... 'I tried to be helpful' and is soundly rejected, but just laughs it off.

He had hardly spoken before there rushed into the room one of the most lovely young women that I have ever seen in my life. Her violet eyes shining, her lips parted, a pink flush upon her cheeks, all thought of her natural reserve lost in her overpowering excitement and concern.

Well, Watson thinks she's hot. 😂 Little bit of a different description from some of the other characters he's met. This is practically indecent. Lol.

"Mr McCarthy was very anxious that there should be a marriage between us. James and I have always loved each other as brother and sister; but of course he is young and has seen very little of life yet, and—and—well, he naturally did not wish to do anything like that yet."

That is... not the way round I was expecting. So he wanted them to marry and the kids didn't. It's unclear here whether they didn't want to marry because they consider each other as siblings or if he specifically didn't want to be tied down so young. Fair, either way, but a bit of a surprise. I was expecting parental disapproval.

"And your father?" asked Holmes. "Was he in favour of such a union?" "No, he was averse to it also.

Ah, there's the parental disapproval. But only on one side. So it seems a bit like McCarthy is trying to marry his son to his 'friend's' daughter in order to get something from the exchange, but his 'friend' doesn't like that idea.

"Ha! In Victoria! That is important." "Yes, at the mines." "Quite so; at the gold-mines, where, as I understand, Mr Turner made his money."

Ah, there's a gold mine involved. That seems like it might be a motive.

"I must go home now, for dad is very ill..."

Really jarring to see 'dad' in use here. I never think of that having been used in the 19th century. It made me do a double take. I know that 'dada' is hugely wide in usage by children, going back probably millennia, but to see an adult in a Victorian story refer to their 'dad' is just... huh.

Also, Mr Turner being sick and bedridden feels like it might fit into this jigsaw somewhere? Is it a ruse to give himself an alibi?

"Then let us do so. Watson, I fear that you will find it very slow, but I shall only be away a couple of hours."

I love the throughline in this that both Mary and Holmes seem convinced that Watson is incapable of entertaining himself. Mary sends him off to stay with Sherlock when she's away and Sherlock here is worried that Watson won't have enough enrichment if he leaves him alone for a couple of hours.

He's a fully grown man, not a puppy. Lmao.

But then again...

I lay upon the sofa and tried to interest myself in a yellow-backed novel. The puny plot of the story was so thin, however, when compared to the deep mystery through which we were groping, and I found my attention wander so continually from the action to the fact, that I at last flung it across the room...

Holmes is apparently right. I mean, I completely understand the mood. I just find it amusing that it only takes less than a couple of hours without Holmes for Watson to deteriorate from aimlessly wandering the streets to throwing books across the room.

Might not the nature of the injuries reveal something to my medical instincts? I rang the bell and called for the weekly county paper, which contained a verbatim account of the inquest. In the surgeon's deposition it was stated that the posterior third of the left parietal bone and the left half of the occipital bone had been shattered by a heavy blow from a blunt weapon. I marked the spot upon my own head.

SCIENCE!

This is... kind of adorable. I mean, if it wasnt a description of deadly wounds on a corpse.

"He is not a very quick-witted youth, though comely to look at and, I should think, sound at heart."

(I believe this is James Purefoy playing the part of James MCCarthy in the granada series, but this being the internet, I cannot be sure.)

Seriously, though. Confirmed Himbo Young McCarthy. Pretty and well-meaning but not very smart.

"Ah, thereby hangs a rather painful tale. This fellow is madly, insanely, in love with her, but some two years ago, when he was only a lad, and before he really knew her, for she had been away five years at a boarding-school, what does the idiot do but get into the clutches of a barmaid in Bristol and marry her at a registry office?"

LOL I shouldn't laugh, but... but yeah. Lolololol. Oh Young Mr McCarthy, this makes so much more sense. And it reads like the plot of an Austen novel. It practically is the plot of Sense and Sensibility. Except at least in that one they're only engaged, not full on married.

It does kind of suck, though. Where is his wife? Did she seduce him? Or were they both just swept away in it all?

Does Mr Turner know about the secret wife and is that why he's against the marriage? But you'd assume if he knew he'd tell Mr McCarthy (the dead one, not the himbo). So I've got to assume that Mr Turner doesn't know.

"Good has come out of evil, however, for the barmaid, finding from the papers that he is in serious trouble and likely to be hanged, has thrown him over utterly and has written to him to say that she has a husband already in the Bermuda Dockyard, so that there is really no tie between them."

...

Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Oh this is hilarious. I just... I can't remember this from the Granada series. This is just a comedy. I mean on the one hand he's accused of murder at a time the death penalty is still in use in the UK. On the other hand, at least he's no longer trapped in a marriage he doesn't want to be in! Always look on the bright side.

I feel like I should be trying to take this seriously. A man is dead. But I just can't.

"One is that the murdered man had an appointment with someone at the pool, and that the someone could not have been his son, for his son was away, and he did not know when he would return. The second is that the murdered man was heard to cry 'Cooee!' before he knew that his son had returned."

And as our research last time informed us 'cooee' originated in Australia and therefore leads to the conclusion that he was meeting someone from Australia. Either Mr Turner or someone else who has come from Australia unbeknownst to us.

"And now let us talk about George Meredith, if you please, and we shall leave all minor matters until to-morrow."

Do we know who George Meredith is? Has he come up before. I do not remember the name.

"He was an old friend of McCarthy's, and, I may add, a great benefactor to him, for I have learned that he gave him Hatherley Farm rent free."

There is a distinct whiff of blackmail upon the air.

SO theory - someone else found the gold that Mr Turner made his fortune on, but he claim jumped them and left them for dead and now years later, that person has turned up for REVENGE.

But then why is the dead person no the person who ended up with the gold mine?

... Be-cause... Oh, because Mr McCarthy was the person who did Mr Turner's dirty work. So he 'murdered' the person who originally found the gold on behalf of Mr Turner, and since then Mr Turner has been keeping him quiet and paying him for his service. But it turned out the original gold finder wasn't really dead - or he had a relative? - and now they are back.

But that would require there to be another character we...

THE OLD WOMAN, I knew I was suspicious of her. Random unnamed old woman just happens to be walking around and witnessing things? Pah. She's the dead man's widow who has hunted Turner and McCarthy across the world on her quest for VENGEANCE!

Yes, I am now only doing this as an excuse to post Percy gifs. I regret nothing.

"Does it not strike you as a little singular that this McCarthy, who appears to have had little of his own, and to have been under such obligations to Turner, should still talk of marrying his son to Turner's daughter, who is, presumably, heiress to the estate, and that in such a very cocksure manner, as if it were merely a case of a proposal and all else would follow? It is the more strange, since we know that Turner himself was averse to the idea. The daughter told us as much. Do you not deduce something from that?"

Yes, a distinct stench of blackmail does abound. McCarthy definitely had something on Mr Turner.

"We have got to the deductions and the inferences," said Lestrade, winking at me. "I find it hard enough to tackle facts, Holmes, without flying away after theories and fancies." "You are right," said Holmes demurely; "you do find it very hard to tackle the facts."

Burn. Wow, that was cutting.

However, the whole repartee here. Lestrade winking at Watson and echoing back words that are similar to ones we've heard Holmes say himself. Then the fact that Lestrade replies to that insult at the end there 'with some warmth', it all takes it from being an exchange of insults to old friends teasing each other. I love the flow of all of this.

We called at the door, when the maid, at Holmes's request, showed us the boots which her master wore at the time of his death, and also a pair of the son's, though not the pair which he had then had. Having measured these very carefully from seven or eight different points...

Are we in a time before police officers thought to examine footprints? What a revolutionary idea!

Although surely the police have been tramping all over the crime scene by now, you'd think. I get that Holmes has been very specific about it not raining, but crime scenes get all sorts of people walking over them. If the police really didn't think to examine them, then any murder prints must be buried underneath, or entirely indistinguishable from the prints of everyone else who has walked over it.

Then we get a lengthy description of Holmes. So lengthy in fact I'm not going to copy it here in its entirety. Here are some highlights:

His face flushed and darkened. His brows were drawn into two hard black lines, while his eyes shone out from beneath them with a steely glitter.

His nostrils seemed to dilate with a purely animal lust for the chase...

Very animalistic descriptions there for a character usually described as reserved. And very vivid, too, but we know Watson likes his vivid descriptions.

Lestrade and I walked behind him, the detective indifferent and contemptuous

This doesn't really vibe with what we've been seeing of Lestrade up to this point. He hasn't been contemptuous, I wouldn't say. More indulgent and amused by the whole situation.

He ran round, like a dog who is picking up a scent, and then turned upon my companion.

And another animal description a bit later on.

"Oh, tut, tut! I have no time! That left foot of yours with its inward twist is all over the place. A mole could trace it, and there it vanishes among the reeds. Oh, how simple it would all have been had I been here before they came like a herd of buffalo and wallowed all over it."

Yeah, I mean. What did you think it was going to be like, Holmes? Did you think that the policemen hovered like the Gentlemen from Buffy? Gliding along as they search for murder weapons and pick up bodies?

"Then here are the father's feet as he paced up and down. What is this, then? It is the butt-end of the gun as the son stood listening. And this? Ha, ha! What have we here? Tiptoes! tiptoes! Square, too, quite unusual boots!"

Very impressive tracking abilities. You know who this made me think of?

"And the murderer?" "Is a tall man, left-handed, limps with the right leg, wears thick-soled shooting-boots and a grey cloak, smokes Indian cigars, uses a cigar-holder, and carries a blunt pen-knife in his pocket. There are several other indications, but these may be enough to aid us in our search."

So... not the old woman then? Unless she was secretly a man in disguise?

Lestrade shrugged his shoulders. "I am a practical man," he said, "and I really cannot undertake to go about the country looking for a left-handed gentleman with a game leg. I should become the laughing-stock of Scotland Yard."

I mean, I agree Holmes hasn't given you any evidence to indicate the existence of such a person, just told you that they exist. But you did agree to have him work with you and you have worked with him before. So maybe listen to him? You were doing so well, Lestrade.

And I guess we already have part 3... so that will be coming shortly.

Is the old man with the limp disguised as an old woman who is secretly a gold miner from Australia?

Probably not. But it's a fun theory.

[reikurusu]

Ask Meme

I got tagged by the lovely @jalapenobee!! Thank you!! <3

Do you make your bed?

I neatly fold the cover open during the day so it can air out a bit? xD But when I go to bed, I always pull the mattress cover (whatever that's called in English) neatly because it often crumples up. But I don't daily make my bed, no.

What's your favorite number?

Not really.

What is your job?

I've worked at a local library for a little over a year now! It's really fun to do! I have to take care of the adult non-fiction section, which is more fun than I would've thought, as well as admin and helping people during opening hours. Right now, a colleague has been absent for 6+ months, so I've been taking on her section as well, which is youth (fiction and non-fiction) and comics. So quite a lot at the moment. But it's a really fun job!!

If you could go back to school, would you?

I'm not sure... I didn't hate going to school and it was actually a lot less stressful than adult life. I think I'd mainly go back to be my younger self again and maybe do things differently?

Or are we talking about going back to school at this age? If school was the only thing I'd have to focus on, and money and all didn't matter, I think so, yeah! Probably something creative or art history or something.

Can you parallel park?

I can.... But it's either perfect on the first try or I have to retry like 5 times. And if there's a car waiting while I'm failing... Yeah, we're going around the block again and try again afterwards.

A job you had that would surprise people?

I think my previous job. I worked in retail as a Saturday job during college. After graduation, I worked at a company for two years but I quit because it wasn't my thing and was lucky that the store I used to work at was looking for someone. I really liked working there and there was a lot of varied work (admin, window dressing, helping clients,...). But I feel like people at my current job (library) are surprised when I tell them I worked retail? I don't get it, though.

Do you think aliens are real?

Hmmmm... I don't think aliens like the stereotypical aliens exist, but there's no way the universe is this gigantic and Earth is the only place with life.

Can you drive a manual car?

It's the only kind I know how to drive. I've never driven an automatic car. I actually love shifting gears. It gives me something to do while driving, if that makes sense xD

What's your guilty pleasure?

Uhm... I don't think I have one? At least not something that no one else does? Nothing special comes to mind atm...

Tattoos?

None. I just have no idea what I'd want to have permanently on my body. So I doubt I'll ever get one.

Favorite Color?

Blue! All kinds of blue! But I really like a minty-blue, like this.

But lately, I've come to love yellow as well. I'm not sure why, but it's been making me happy for some reason.

Favorite type of music?

In general I either like a song or I don't like it. And because of this, my taste in music can vary a lot. I can like certain songs by a certain artist, yet despise the rest of their music.

As for favourite artists, I love Taylor Swift, The Script and Niall Horan. I think those are my top three artists (she says without any actual proof of it).

Do you like puzzles?

Like, riddles or jigsaws? If it's jigsaws, I haven't made one in years! I'd love to, with some music or tv show in the background, but I don't have the time for it. If it's riddles, yeah, I love riddles! Doesn't mean I'm good at them but I played my fair share of Professor Layton growing up!

Any phobias?

None that I know of. Like, I'm not a fan of creepy bugs and heights and blood and all those typical things, but I wouldn't call them phobias. Like, I'm not a fan of spiders, but I'd never kill one and just put it in a jar and take it outside. So nothing I'm insanely scared of.

Favorite childhood sport?

I don't think I had a favourite sport growing up? I'm not really the most athletic person. But I do know that I was decent at shooting basketballs into the hoop, even for being short lol

Do you talk to yourself?

... Do people not do this? I do this all the time??

What movie(s) do you adore?

I'm not sure if I have an actual favourite movie, but I love Tangled and The Lion King!! I also really love Back To The Future. *looks at dvds* OH! The Holiday and Love, Rosie as well!! I think these are all films I'm always down to watch.

Coffee or tea?

I'm definitely more of a tea person. I most often drink black tea with milk (like, at breakfast, in the evening and when I'm not at work, in the afternoon as well).

I also drink coffee but when I do, I have to have it with milk and sugar and often with some sort of syrup (vanilla, hazelnut or caramel). Or iced! Iced coffee!!

First thing you wanted to be when growing up?

I think I wanted to become a farmer? At least that's what my mum told me. I can't imagine being a farmer now, I think kid me thought it would be fun to have a bunch of animals and be outside all day. Grown up me knows it's very different from that. And very often not that nice for the animals...

Also a veterinarian! But.... Y'know, blood and cutting into animals... Pass.

I'm going to tag a couple of mutuals and followers I very often see in my notes, but obviously anyone who wants to do this, can!

And don't feel obligated to do this just because I tagged you! <3

@silversoulstardust @actually-the-devil @in-a-faith-forgottenn-land @keeeegs @aflockofravens @heytheredeann

[lovejustforaday]

2023 Year End List - #3

Desire, I Want to Turn Into You - Caroline Polachek

Main genres: Art Pop, Electronic

A decent sampling of: Downtempo, Alternative R&B, Dance Pop, UK Garage

Seizing the essence of life itself. The search for the meaning of everything. The sheer sense of adventure and danger that is going it alone for the first time.

Caroline Polachek has more artistic vision than just about any other pop artist out there right now. She takes a concept and runs marathons with it, working to achieve its platonic ideal.

This ethos is reflected in her intricate songs, laden with layers of meticulous, hyperreal production courtesy of her long-time co-producer Danny L. Harle, her commitment to weaving rich lyrical webs of different aesthetics, ideals, and mindsets that all fall into place like a great jigsaw puzzle, and her equally impressive, high-concept music videos that harkens back to the likes of other cinematically ambitious female artists such as Lady Gaga, Björk, and M.I.A.

Her voice has often been compared to the function of auto-tune itself, mostly thanks to how masterfully and seamlessly she modulates across complex melodies that jump notes seemingly almost at random, but actually follow an elaborated structure. Meanwhile, the timbral qualities of her voice are crystal clear and hyper-articulate, almost to the point of crossing the uncanny valley and into the supernatural.

So yeah, suffice to say, this was my #1 anticipated release of 2023. It certainly helped that she kept on teasing it, dropping the lead single all the way back in summer of 2021, and then another one in the first few weeks of 2022. It also obviously helped that her first album was simply one of the best art pop records in recent memory (eclipsed only in it's own release year by Twigs' Magdalene).

Polachek's solo pop debut Pang was a headfirst dive into painful love, and the act of relieving oneself from the shackles of self-doubt. The album played out like a series of short stories in a greater narrative storybook anthology, each song its own cerebral headspace, dissecting and sometimes psychoanalyzing the artist's own emotions. To put it concisely, my own interpretation was that of an album about learning to listen to what the self feels, needs, and wants.

This record then, broadly speaking, is about the restless pursuit of those wants.

Desire, I Want to Turn Into You is like the flickering light from the torch's flame that illuminates the ancient wall glyphs inside of an old cave of ruins. It is the feeling of catching your breath, and quenching yourself with that vital taste of water after you’ve just ran a marathon. It’s a thrilling and euphoric experience from start to finish. Art pop with adrenaline and passion.

The prominent Alternative R&B elements that made her previous record more rhythmically complex and sonically contemplative take a bit of a step back on this project, peeking through every now and then on tracks like "Billions" and "Pretty In Possible".

But by and large, Polachek leans more towards sugary pop and dance-oriented songs with high art ambitions, with many tracks influenced by the hop-and-skip beats of the UK Garage EDM scene. There's also a fair bit of more atmospheric downtempo moments in similar fashion to tracks like "Go As A Dream" on Pang, but even they have a little more pulse on this record. A more extroverted sound altogether this time around.

There are also frequent references to Greek mythology, as well as a myriad of melodic motifs that are revisited and re-imagined between different tracks, like the opening melody of "Crude Drawing of An Angel" appearing in the second verse of "Butterfly Net", or the chorus of "Fly To You" being interpreted by a bag pipe solo in "Blood and Butter". Never underestimate Caroline Polachek's ability to tie an album's concepts together into a beautifully interwoven and interconnected symbiosis.

The album takes off with its central thesis, "Welcome To My Island", a declaration to defy all expectations and become desire itself. It opens with a single rapturous siren cry, soaring into the stratosphere and heralding the beginning of a new era. Suddenly, the song's aircraft comes to meet its landing strip. Bright, beady, bubbly little synths make pops and flares over the verses, before the unleashing of a total power chorus that showcases the very best of Polachek's ability to carry zephyrous long notes, meanwhile with her irresistibly cute and sassy "hey, hey ,hey, HEY!" chants forming the backing vocals. Every last ounce of her unapologetically bold artistic personality is lavishly painted over this ridiculously catchy and charming pop song.

"Sunset" pays homage to Spanish flamenco and appears to be taking some cheeky inspiration from the Gerudo Valley theme in Zelda: Ocarina of Time according to a TikTok that Polachek herself posted. This song tastes of the juiciest citrus fruits and the richest olive oil, pouring out of a marble chalice like a waterfall. An excellent demonstration of her artistic versatility.

"I Believe" immediately gets my heart racing with its crisp piano stabs and exhilarating 2-step shuffle. Makes me feel like some kind of JRPG mage, hopping through the air by casting levitation spells and gazing upon the cloudswept Earth below. Totally dreamy and life-affirming.

I find myself deeply immersed in the humid forests of "Blood and Butter". This downtempo track incorporates some very SNES era sound fonts, hand drums, kalimba, and acoustic guitars into a euphoric and ritualistic performance, with the atmosphere of swirling magic mists and even a left-field instrumental bridge featuring some very festive bagpipes. Simply impeccable sound design; listening to this one with headphones is like discovering a sixth sense I didn't know I had.

"Butterfly Net" is the sublime sunrise that turns the entire sky a goldenrod yellow. It's an auditory gateway to beautiful plains of crested wheatgrass, with psychedelic folk undertones and echoing vocals and digital landscapes that stretch off into the horizon for dozens of miles. One of her greatest songs yet, and one I couldn't get enough of for basically all of spring last year.

"Billions" would be my song of the year, had it not already been released in 2022. I cannot overstate, nor begin to describe with all due credit it deserves, just how fucking brilliant the production on this track is. If "Blood and Butter" was the sixth sense, then this is the seventh. Tantalizing, mystifying, erotic, bountiful, reaching towards enlightenment. Everything that must be and will be, maybe truth itself is contained somewhere hidden under the plentiful layers of beats and microbeats in this stunning art pop pedestal. Musically, it sounds ancient, medieval, renaissance, modern, and post-modern all at once. Also - maybe the best incorporation of a children's choir in all of music history? What a bold move to put this as the album closer. If this is the page she chooses to close this chapter on, I can only imagine what magnificence is to come next.

I thought for sure this was going to be my AOTY when it was announced. The fact it didn't end up being so and landed at number 3 instead is just a testimony to how brutally stacked this year's competition was.

I could still nit-pick this quite a bit if I really wanted to. "Hopedrunk Everlasting" and "Bunny Is A Rider" are not only both easily weaker than any of the other material here, but both of them seem to disrupt the respective flow of their placements on this record. But barring that, this is damn close to a masterpiece.

Naturally, this has landed on loads of other 2023 year end lists besides my own, and its definitely not hard to see why. Caroline Polachek is a staunch perfectionist and over-achiever, and shows no signs of stopping any time soon, and Desire, I Want to Turn Into You is an uplifting work of creative genius that only she could have made.

9/10

Highlights: "Billions", "Butterfly Net", "Welcome To My Island", "Blood and Butter", "I Believe", "Sunset", "Pretty In Possible", "Crude Drawing of an Angel"

[soovermyself]

Can I just say that while I don't think Ashlyn is bad looking (leaps and bounds better than Grant tbqh), certain angles of her also give me Jigsaw vibes? 🤡 I think it's the cheekbones, and it's terrifying....Then again, Sophia is gorgeous and ageless, so her partners pretty much always pale in comparison. Also don't see how people think Ali and Sophia look a like? Both are pretty brunettes, but other than that, I don't see it.

Going back to the whole kids thing, I get it's their relationship, and they know what's best and how they see things going better than anyone obviously. I'm just hoping for the best for all of them, but especially the kids. Luckily, they're so young, but custody shit can be messy and I don't see how things between Sophia and Ashlyn could continue bicoastal-ly if they were to move forward eventually and "add more kids to the bunch". Especially as Ashlyn and Ali's kids get older, helping raise them from the other side of the country doesn't seem realistic or fair to them (the kids). I also don't see Sophia adopting and moving across the country thousands of miles away from her parents and extended framily. I get that things seem serious, giving the tidbits that have been said by their teams/gathered/assumed. But logistically, it doesn't seem feasible. I hope I'm wrong if this is what makes Sophia happy, and it's really none of our business, but harmlessly, I can't help thinking about it from a realist standpoint.

Last note, I think in her "no fucks given era" she found Hank a new home. Which I get is only fair to him to have a full-time owner if she did get rid of him, but it's still sad.

Hahahaha, I don’t see it but maybe bc I never saw Jigsaw 🤣. Personally I like her hair a bit longer but that’s just me.

As for Ali and Sophia, yeah they’re both just pretty brunettes e. Ashlyn’s got good taste! But even personality wise, they seem very different (I don’t know much about Ali and that’s not a dig at her at all, she just doesn’t seem similar to S).

As for the kids, I think it’s a bit too soon and unfair to assume until the custody stuff is settled. We have no clue. We also have no idea what the plans are for their living plans. With Ali’s retiring in upcoming hours/days, it’s up in the air…I’ve seen people say New York, Florida, Virginia, Florida and Los Angeles so really we have to wait and see. And Sophia loves New York so it wouldn’t be OOC either 🤷🏼‍♀️. And I’m thinking it’s all stuff they already discussed together before making the move bc at this point of their lives, what’s the point of wasting your time if you know there is no chance it’s going to work out?! If they gave this relationship a go, they have to believe it might go the distance…Obviously I have no inside knowledge on this, but this just would make sense to me personally.

As for Hank, no clue what’s up, but I sure hope he’s thriving wherever he is.