#i know we talk about heart eyes howell and the way he literally doesn’t take his eyes off phil and laughs at everything he does/says

[blossoms-phan]

they’re such lover boys

[medusinestories]

Onwards to the episode in which we get to see Flint and Silver each having a very bad day (as well as two literal dicks that nobody had asked to see).

Black Sails VII (s1 ep07)

- We open on Pastor Lambrick's sweaty face as he intensely rehearses the Easter sermon and he’s obviously eaten up by what he did with Miranda. His sermon, unsurprisingly, focuses on sin, keeping sin hidden, and the hell that awaits the sinner. Which leads us nicely onto Flint, who’s distracted (by his own sin? by thoughts of Miranda? both?) during a meeting with Eleanor. Eleanor is pissed that Miranda let Richard Guthrie send a message to the Andromache and then waltz into town to close up his business; Flint tries to take the heat off Miranda, once again protecting her (at this point, he may not know the contents of the letter).

- During this meeting, Flint is startled when Silver first speaks up to say that the mob in the street was bad - clearly Silver is a sort of intruder in this meeting. But Eleanor, after Silver reminds her by unsubtly clearing his throat, tells Flint that he’s not to harm Silver because he was instrumental in setting up the Consortium. Silver looks so pleased with himself in these scenes, and Flint quite defeated when he tells Silver to follow him back to their camp. I love it.

- To parallel Flint/Miranda’s Sulky Sex scene from ep4, we have Anne/Rackham’s frustrating/disconnected sex scene. It shows us a few things about them mainly that Anne wants to keep a lot of control over what happens, hence Rackham being tied up (though of course this might also be his kink), her wearing a shirt that covers up most of her body, and the reverse cowgirl position that means that she’s both in control of what happens and completely avoids eye contact. The position reminds us of the Flint/Miranda scene, where Miranda was also on top, but their scene involved more eye contact (yes glaring counts, he’s still intensely focused on Miranda), gentle touching (on Miranda’s side) and her being naked and open to him. Another parallel is that both Flint and Rackham aren’t in the right frame of mind for sex, Flint being angry and Rackham lost in a sea of worries (and probably also somewhat angry/disappointed at Anne for forcing him into the plot to kill their crewmates). The difference between Flint and Rackham is that while Flint doesn’t seem to have any trouble performing, Rackham is miles away and doesn’t even notice that he’s lost his erection - again. Anne is frustrated by this, and apparently knows him well enough that she offers to put something up his arse, but he’s clearly not in the mood, and she leaves in a huff, abandoning him all tied up as a sort of revenge for his performance problems. Whatever the problem is between them isn’t put into words (because Anne can’t yet, for starters), unlike the one between Flint and Miranda. The intimacy between Rackham and Anne, so often described as close partners, seems much more distant to me than the one shown between Flint and Miranda. I’m not sure whether it’s because of anyone’s sexual orientation, or just the fact that they’re fucking but they’ve never discussed the big important things, such as Anne’s identity/feelings/etc.

- In this episode, Dufresne gains a lot of power: with a freshly (and badly) shaved head and a new tattoo, he’s been promoted to Quartermaster on the Walrus in Billy’s place. And very quickly he has a problem to deal with: Randall revealing that Silver stole the page. Gates had actually already told this to Dufresne, as is revealed at the end of the episode, which might explain why Dufresne is relatively calm during the whole conversation, while DeGroot wants Silver and Flint hanged and Howell is surprisingly ruthless: he brings up the idea that it may be better to kill off Randall in order to get to the treasure, if they can’t make sure he’ll keep quiet about Silver being the thief. Dufresne is actually quite kind towards Silver in the scene where he puts Silver’s memory to the test - a test that could result in his death if he fails it and that Silver constantly grumbles against (I love his grumbling!). Basically, at this point Dufresne remains quite a sympathetic character, which will change a lot as the show goes on, especially after Jannes Eiselen had to leave the show (such a sad story, RIP Jannes).

- In the meantime, the Flint and Gates relationship is crumbling. It's sad to see, especially since they're shown sharing chuckles as they talk about Dufresne's appointment in the beginning of the episode. But then Gates brings up the subject of Miranda and demands explanations about the letter Billy found. We're not shown exactly what Flint answers, but it's clear that he's actually trying his best to give him an explanation without incriminating Miranda too badly. The sad thing is that Flint is actually telling the truth: he actually wasn't involved in any betrayal of his crew and and can only guess at Miranda's motivations. But the fact that he's lied time and again in previous situations, including on the Maria Aleyne where he claimed Lord Alfred drew a weapon on him (and Gates secretly verified that this was a lie), and used men as pawns to advance his and Miranda's plans, is now catching up to him. Flint seems truly hurt when Gates accuses him of using the men for his own purposes, and turns spiteful, telling Gates that he should have been "a better father" to Billy and helped him "understand the world he was living in" (suggesting that such a forthright character as Billy can't really survive in a world of pirates who are all ready to stab each other in the back). After that slap in the face, Gates says he's exhausted from Flint and threatens to take it to the crew. Somehow, this pushes Flint to bare all: he tells Gates about his plan to keep a part of the treasure and use it to build up Nassau, depicting himself as a sort of saviour, doing it for the men's good: they'd rather be rich men in a safe place than dead thieves hanging from a noose. Gates sees this as delusions of grandeur, and tells him that while he'll see the Urca plot through, after that they're done. I actually think he sees Flint’s point, since he doesn’t just throw him to the crew, but won’t admit that out loud. The whole of this scene hurts bad, because you can tell that Flint is desperate and sad to be losing his closest ally and friend, and that Gates is hurting from the loss of Billy and exhausted from the toxic relationship he has with Flint, where he's played enabler to his manipulations for years.

- While Flint and Gates’ alliance is breaking, Silver has to forge one with Randall or die. Randall finds out in the beginning of the episode that he’s been voted out of the crew. This is apparently due to DeGroot’s fears that Randall could be a fire hazard, which the crew took disproportionately to heart. Randall is furious with Silver, who smugly tells him that in these situations, a setback often comes with a new or unexpected opportunity. He’s right, but at this point he doesn’t know that he is the opportunity Randall’s going to latch on. Randall reveals that Silver is a thief, and Silver denies it, saying that Randall is both a halfwit and was in a haze of opium when he heard what he thought he heard; he even tries to convince Randall that he was mistaken (this, my friends, is gaslighting). However, by revealing that Silver was the thief, Randall sets a chain of events into motion which could either end with his death (if Howell has his way, since Randall is an inconvenient witness) or Silver’s (if DeGroot tips the balance, not trusting Silver to remember the coordinates and not wanting to sacrifice Randall for nothing). Silver figures out that these are the outcomes, and tries to talk sense into Randall by making a deal with him: he’ll care for Randall and make sure he can stay on the ship. But it’s only when Silver finally admits that he is the thief and that Randall was right, that Randall accepts the deal. Later, Silver realises that Randall might have orchestrated the whole thing: he’s now got Silver to serve him, doesn’t have to take any risks on the ship, and gets to remain with the crew. Silver wonders if Randall is a genius rather than a halfwit (a word thrown about a lot to describe him). And it seems quite obvious, considering what happened, that Randall still has strong survival skills (an amputee with impaired cognitive skills doesn’t stand a chance of survival outside a crew and he must be aware of it), that he still has a good memory and an ability to pick out useful information and that he’s aware enough of what’s going on to be upset by the crew’s rejection and Silver’s attempt to gaslight him. I think it’s important to recognise that Randall is more than a comic relief or a grotesque character: he’s a disabled man who's lost parts of his cognitive ability and is struggling to survive.

- This episode focuses on Vane facing his past. He seeks out the island where he grew up and its master, Albinus. I’d forgotten or never really registered that Albinus was a pirate and that the men who work for him were mostly his crew - and likely slaves (or children, hence Vane?) that he managed to capture/press into service. He’s retired from pirating and set up a system where his men cut down trees for timber all day, without wages. It’s not clear exactly how he holds so much power over these men, although it seems that everyone is terrified of him. He’s extremely strong physically, seems shrewd, speaks rather well, and his tattoos suggest that maybe he’s involved in some kind of ritual (truly religious or just for show?) which would make him all the more scary to superstitious people. Vane is clearly still frightened: he barely makes eye contact and practically stutters when he first tries to make the deal with Albinus, which is that he’ll take some of Albinus’ men as crew and send Albinus part of their earnings as tribute. It says a lot about Albinus that Vane, after years of having run away, is still so scares that he’s willing to pay him a tribute. But he changes his mind as he stares at a boy bearing the same brand as he does: he tries to persuade the men that Nassau is a pace of pleasures rather than hard labour, and confronts Albinus. The fight is brutal and ends with Vane buried naked, just after Albinus tells him that he’s proud of him. But of course Vane wouldn’t be Vane if he didn’t rise from the dead at the last minute and kill Albinus, goaded on by his inner Eleanor voice.

- In the meantime, Mr Scott returns to Eleanor, apologising for what he did, telling her he betrayed her out of love. However he also reminds her of his slave status: technically, he belongs to her. The argument upsets her, and he quite cleverly uses this moment to ask her to free the slaves who were on the Andromache. And it works: by the end of the episode, she’s made arrangements for the men to work on ships and has bought the women’s freedom and found them jobs in her tavern. But Mr Scott has still decided to leave Eleanor to join Hornigold’s crew, to refrain from meddling with Eleanor’s affairs, since he disagrees with her so strongly re: the Urca. Hornigold approached him earlier in the episode, and the introduction to that scene is quite interesting: Hornigold says to Mr Scott “I’ll need to know your secret” and Mr Scott looks startled and frightened. It seems that he’s startled because he’d been giving food to the slaves, but in light of S3, it could be a much greater secret that’s being referred to. Mr Scott is relieved when he realises that Hornigold is simply talking about tolerating Eleanor, who he clearly can’t stand.

- Flint’s bad day continues, of course, with the big confrontation he has with Miranda. He’s furious about the letter (of which he now knows the contents thanks to Gates), telling her that it could have got him killed, or destroyed the plans they’d made and asking her whether she was trying to embarrass him. This sounds so weirdly petty, and yet it also sounds exactly like the kind of argument that would come up in a bickering couple. Miranda answers that she was trying to help him out of that life, because she wants to move on. This is where Miranda utters the famous “there is no life here, there is no joy here, there is no love here”. I noticed that, covered by Flint yelling at her, and distorted because her voice has gone very shrill, Miranda says another line, which sounds like “you used to love, then”. If that really is what she says, it’s extra-extra-extra heartbreaking to hear (if someone wants to check it for me, it’s around 35:40). It’s obvious that Flint and Miranda’s views on life are very different, and I can’t help but think back to the fact that, as a carpenter’s son from the country, Flint has had to struggle all his life to become who he is. So when he says that you can’t get a life without having a war, and Miranda tells him he’s wrong, she’s speaking entirely from the point of view of her privilege. She’s never needed to fight as hard as he has to be happy, because she got extremely lucky in marrying Thomas. And when she says that Thomas would agree with her, I’m certain she’s right. But life has never been like that for Flint, and there’s no way he’ll ever entirely agree with their point of view. Rewatching this scene is tough, btw, because they both have great points, they’re both hurting so much, and there’s so much to take in between the body language, the facial expressions, the tones of voice and the actual words that it’s a whole whirlwind. And it feels very, very real.

- It’s absolutely hilarious to see Rackham get robbed by the whores taking advantage of his lack of knowledge (and research). He should absolutely have done a better job and has no clue how to run a brothel. He’s lucky Max takes things in hand after having heard from Idelle that the girls were taking advantage.

- Then we have the beautiful Drunk Flint scene. Eleanor notices him feeling very sorry for himself after Gates has pretty much broken up with him and he’s still reeling from fighting with by Miranda. I think Flint feels very misunderstood here. He thought that he was doing something good, to save Nassau and avenge Thomas, and doesn’t understand why they can’t see it, why they only see the terrible methods he uses to reach his goals. So he’s full of doubt, clearly wondering if he’s the villain of the story, and puts the question to Eleanor: is their plan worth it? Eleanor is the only person who still believes in him, which leads us to the only scene that I would ever call straight-baiting. Flint hovers near Eleanor, breathing heavily, and a variety of emotions play over her face during this moment of tension, as she seems to think this is leading to a kiss. It does, he gives her a chaste little forehead kiss and leaves. All the elements are in place to make your average viewer start shipping these two. I actually find it hilarious that the ship barely exists in the fandom (though I wasn’t there in the beginning of the fandom and I guess the viewership changed a lot between S1 and S4).

- The scene with Flint and Gates glaring at each other from their respective ships and Parson’s Farewell playing in the background... epic! We know this is the beginning of a big struggle between them, especially since we find out that Gates has pretty much decided that he’ll hand Flint over to the crew once they get the money. But nnnnggh that scene! The ships leaving on their hunt! Awesome and heartbreaking!

[dvp95]

giving you my forever

pairing: dan howell/phil lester rating: teen & up tags: fluff, established relationship, idiots in love, proposal word count: 1.2k summary: Phil gives him a little wave and goes to water their semi-neglected plants. He's wearing glasses and ugly pyjamas, and he looks like the rest of Dan's life.

"Hey," says Dan. "You wanna get married?"

read on ao3 or here!

It's something Dan has been thinking about a lot recently. They've always treated it like the eventuality it is, but their five-year plan, scrawled on a Sword Art Online sticky note after a long plane ride home and kept in a kitchen drawer, is wrapping up and making space for a new one. He's thinking about it even more now, as they round off a decade together and suddenly every day is another reminder of how far they've come.

Ten years. It stretches across a good chunk of Dan's life, over a third of it, really, and it kind of blurs together. He doesn't remember every single moment with crystal clarity, and there were long bouts where nothing felt good at all, not even Phil's hand in his, but he can look back on all of it with the sort of peace that comes from hindsight and knowing what you want.

What Dan wants is another ten years. And then another, and another. He's greedy like that. He wants to keep hitting this milestone over and over again, wants a lifetime of plans with Phil jotted down on sticky notes and celebrated with lazy kisses in the late autumn air.

They've talked about it, but not seriously. It's been passive jokes and soft whispers into each other's hair when they're feeling particularly sappy for so long. There had been so much to do before it, people to confide in, but there's not much left now that they've made such big leaps into a more authentic existence.

Dan is comfortable on their sofa and half watching some interior design show Netflix has been shoving down his throat like it somehow knows about the moving boxes scattered around the flat. When Phil comes in with his little watering can and a soft smile in greeting, Dan feels his heart flip over like it has since he was eighteen and stupid over the first boy who made him feel good about himself. That feeling hasn't diminished, it's only gotten stronger and softer in equal amounts, settled into Dan like something he never knew he'd be allowed to feel. Phil gives him a little wave and goes to water their semi-neglected plants. He's wearing glasses and ugly pyjamas, and he looks like the rest of Dan's life.

"Hey," says Dan. "You wanna get married?"

Phil laughs, quiet and lovely and not at all surprised. "Sure, we can have a party."

"That's not exactly what I asked," Dan notes. He's all too familiar with the way Phil dodges questions he doesn't have an answer for. "But we don't have to, I was just wondering."

"I think it sounds nice," says Phil. He picks up a small cactus to survey it sadly. "Oh, this one might not be salvageable."

"Probably not. So d'you want to get married, or are you just trying not to hurt my feelings?"

With another soft huff of a laugh, Phil sets the cactus and watering can down on the coffee table. He flops onto the sofa mostly on top of Dan, knobby knees and bony elbows all knocking into Dan in a way that ought to be annoying but is, instead, the most endearing thing in the world.

"I think," Phil says, pressing his lips to Dan's fluttering pulse point, "that we've earned making a big deal of it if we'd like to."

"I would like to," says Dan. A smile is tugging at his lips, but he's not giving in yet. He wraps his arms around Phil as best as he can, since neither of them are in properly comfortable positions, and kisses Phil's temple. "I want to be married to you."

"Well, that's a silly thing to want," Phil laughs. "You already are."

"I know it feels like we are, but I just think -"

"No," Phil interrupts before Dan can get a good ramble in, which is rare enough on its own that Dan's words die in his throat. Phil gives him a bemused sort of smile. "You literally already are. Is this a joke, or have you actually forgotten?"

This would be exactly the type of thing that Phil would joke about, his lips twitching and his eyes wide with fake innocence as he tries to convince Dan of something blatantly untrue, but none of his usual tells are there. Instead, Phil just looks like he's torn between offense and a desire to laugh in Dan's face.

"We aren't married," Dan says, slowly.

"We are," says Phil, "and you'd know that if you ever did any of our paperwork."

Dan feels like, maybe, he ought to be more shocked.

"When did this happen?" Is all he's really got. It's not like he can be angry about something he so desperately wants. "Where was I?"

"Couple years back," Phil says, and he giggles into Dan's neck. "You signed the papers, you absolute idiot. Did you not know what we were doing? I asked if you wanted to take the next step."

Dan wracks his mind for that memory. He's signed a lot of shit with Phil at his side, and he can't remember any of it being a marriage certificate. He's about to dismiss this as another over-the-top Phil prank when he gets a sneaking suspicion.

"Babe," he says, pulling back from their weird snuggle so he can give Phil a properly dubious look. "Did you dream this?"

A giggle and a smack to Dan's chest. "No!"

"Where's the license, then?"

"With all our other papers, you want me to prove it?"

"No, Phil," says Dan, "I'm just going to take your word for it that we got married without me noticing."

"I'll show you," Phil grumbles, good-naturedly, and he clambers off of Dan with some more awkward flailing of his long limbs. He hurries down the stairs and Dan's laughter echoes a little bit in the open, nearly empty space.

The interior design show is still playing, but Dan has long lost interest in it. He stands up instead and picks up the watering can, because he knows damn well how unorganized their filing system is, and he might as well keep sustaining their houseplants while Phil gets lost in paperwork. Phil keeps saying he knows where everything goes, but Dan wouldn't be able to find his own birth certificate without help.

It only takes Phil a few minutes, somehow; Dan has really got to pay more attention when Phil is explaining his system. He comes back upstairs empty-handed and sheepish.

"You dreamt it," Dan says flatly.

"I might have dreamt it," Phil agrees.

"You're an idiot."

Phil shrugs. He's grinning and his cheeks are a little pink, his hands moving around in vague, uncertain motions like he doesn't know what to do with them. He's an idiot, but he's Dan's idiot. "Yeah, alright, maybe I am," he laughs. "We probably should get married so I stop committing tax fraud."

Dan cannot tell if that's a joke. He also doesn't really care. He laughs too, loud and grateful and just so unbelievably, deliriously happy that he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"Sure. That's a good reason."

"I mean, it is," says Phil. "I don't want to go to tax jail. And I liked being married to you, when I thought I was."

"Guess we need to start planning shit out, then," Dan says, smiling so wide his cheeks are starting to hurt. He's thinking about that sticky note, the five-year plan, and everything he wants to add to the next one. For now, though, he's going to water the plants so Phil isn't begging him to pack up dead succulents in the next couple of weeks and start to think of a better proposal story to tell his nan.

[paradisobound]

World’s Greatest First Love: Chapter 10

Summary: Dan Howell wanted a clean break from his father’s publishing company. It was why he applied for a different company in London: to stop the ridicule of his coworkers for riding on his ‘daddy’s coat tails’. But he wasn’t expecting to suddenly be going from a literature editor, to a graphic novel editor. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to come face first with his first love who broke his heart from when he was a teenager: who just happens to be his new editor-in-chief.

Based on the Anime and Manga “The World’s Greatest First Love: The Case of Ritsu Onodera” aka Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 2.9k (this chapter)

Warnings: None

Beta Read by: @phanandpenguins

Updates Every Tuesday 12pm EST and Saturday at 1pm EST

READ ON AO3

Returning back from the Isle of Man almost felt as if the entire trip never happened. Dan didn’t figure that it would warrant such a dramatic change in his life but he really felt like sleeping with Phil might have been a turning point. Except, it definitely wasn’t.

He goes back to Onyx for his shift the following day and naturally, he’s not shocked to see a mound of paperwork at his desk that was either faxed to him or given to him from the printers or sales department.

Dan finds two new manuscripts, both for different authors, a form for the second printing of his book, and a few other miscellaneous forms and papers that he has no idea what they are from first glance. He lets out a sigh and plops down in his seat, rubbing his hands in his hair.

They always say going back to work after a vacation was difficult, and Dan is definitely not in disagreement with that at all.

He fishes his laptop out of his bag and opens it up to begin working on unread emails and other various things now that he has a ton of work to do. He buckles down and focuses in, trying to get as much done as possible.

It’s only an hour into his shift when his cell phone begins to ring out of his coat that’s draped over his chair. He reaches behind him and goes to grab it to see who it is. Maybe it’s an author of his? That’s got to be it.

But when he pulls his phone out of his pocket, the name “Annie” appears on his screen with a picture of her and he feels a bit sick.

Should he answer it or should he leave it? He looks around the room quickly as if he’s looking for an out for the situation. But the sound of his ringtone is annoying him and surely everyone else so he quickly hits answer and puts the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

“You didn’t answer my call the other day.”

The airiness of her voice still catches Dan off guard.

He quickly stands up from his chair and rushes out of the office towards the breakroom. He steps inside and is glad to see no one else is in there. He takes a seat on one of the couches.

“I wasn’t expecting you to ever call again,” Dan says truthfully.

“I’m back from Italy,” Annie says. “I want to see you again.”

There is a pause because Dan doesn’t know what to tell her anymore. Back when they were together, he could have any conversation with her without an issue. But she left for Italy when they were on bad terms and Dan considered the relationship ended at that point, he figured she did too.

But something is nagging in the back of his head that she was still thinking otherwise.

“I stopped by your dad’s company but they said that you left and were working somewhere else,” Annie says, her voice cutting through his thoughts.

“Oh, yeah. I switched companies a few months ago,” Dan says, his words a bit clipped, a bit short.

“Where do you work now?” Annie says, a bit out of breath and that’s when Dan can hear the sound of the busy London streets in the background.

“Are...are you walking?” Dan asks.

“Yeah, I’m going to come and see you, is that an issue?”

“Yes!” Dan cries out. “You can’t come and visit me at my job, Annie.”

He can almost hear her stop in her tracks as she processes what he just said. She huffs and then lets out a sigh.

“Do you still live in the same flat at least?” She asks, sounding exasperated.

“No.”

“So you’ve literally like...left everything behind then.”

Dan leans back on the couch and rubs his hand over his face.

“So you’re not even going to give me your new address then?” Annie asks. “Dan, you’re my fiance, I need to know where you are.”

“Annie…”

“Look, okay. I know the details got a bit stretched as time passed between us but we can meet up later and talk about this all.”

Dan sighs because he knows that she is right. He agrees eventually and then ends the call just as the door to the breakroom opens and Phil walks inside, a couple pound coins in his hand. He walks over to the vending machine and without making eye-contact with Dan, says, “There is a strict company policy that we use our cell phones for work related conversations when we’re on the clock. So no more private calls during your shift or else we’re both going to get into trouble.”

“How did you know it wasn’t work related?” Dan asks, because he doesn’t particularly like the idea of Phil eavesdropping on his conversation. No matter how many lines or boundaries they may have crossed.

“If it was work related, you wouldn’t have rushed out of the office so no one else could hear you,” Phil says, grabbing whatever he got out of the machine and walking back out of the room.

Dan has no idea what any of that was, but it leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

***

Phil gets on the tube right after Dan has a seat on one of the empty benches. He rushes on and Dan sees the sigh of relief that comes out of Phil’s chest when the doors close narrowly behind him and the train starts and barrels forward. He walks forward and takes the empty seat next to Dan.

“Didn’t think I was going to make the last train,” Phil says, completely out of breath.

“They normally hold the final train for a bit longer.”

Phil stares at him and laughs and shakes his head. Dan’s not sure why.

Then he sees the bag Phil is holding in his hands and notices there is something in it. Phil picks it up and holds it up to Dan, “Come over to mine for a few drinks to unwind after the long day.”

“I can’t tonight,” Dan says, because he knows Annie is waiting for him at his flat. Even though he told her not to wait for him, he knows that she is.

“Why not?” Phil asks.

“I...I’m tired.”

“Exactly why we should unwind,” Phil presses, scooting closer to Dan.

The train suddenly slows to a hard stop and the passengers get thrown around as the lights flicker off and murmurs begin to be whispered between everyone. Dan feels his heartbeat pick up speed and he turns to Phil.

Phil looks at him and just as Dan opens his mouth to ask what Phil thinks happened, but Phil leans forward and presses their lips together. Dan has half a mind to protest and push back because they’re on a public train but Phil pulls away not long after initiating it.

Dan just stares at him and then the lights flicker back on and Dan feels a sense of comfort in his chest. He finds himself leaning over and resting his head on Phil’s shoulder, taking a deep breath and letting it go through his nose.

It’s just a few more stops until their own and when they get off, they walk together down the street. It’s so late that most of the area is void of people except for a few stragglers. Their shoulders are bumping against each other and Dan doesn’t think Phil’s ever walked this close to him before. There is something cozy about it.

Just as he thinks that, Phil’s hand comes into contact with his own and they connect, palm to palm. Dan can feel how warm Phil’s hand is against his own and he blushes as he looks down and sees their hands swinging, intertwined.

He knows that they shouldn’t be holding hands in public, but it’s night and no one is around so he figures that it really can’t hurt them.

They walk all the way to their apartment building like that, and just as soon as they reach the door, Dan sees her, standing outside with a cigarette in between her fingers, the smoke coiling through the night air.

He drops Phil’s hand like it just hurt him and he stops in his tracks, “Annie?”

He knows that she was supposed to be meeting up with him here but the shock still sets in seeing her. It’s been nearly a year since they last saw each other. He hates to admit it, but he actually had forgotten mostly what she looked like.

So to see her standing there, her shoulder length hair sitting behind her ears and her button down shirt tucked into her black jeans with a long peacoat covering her arms, Dan feels like he’s seeing a stranger in his view.

“Where have you been? Thought you said you got out of work around 9?” She says.

Dan is well aware that it’s past nine, but he couldn’t help that. Some days he has to stay later to get his work done and today is definitely one of those days since it was the day back from holiday.

“I do but I had to stay later,” He says, walking up to her, leaving Phil standing behind him.

Phil follows him and is suddenly standing behind him. Annie motions to Phil and Dan turns and quickly introduces him, “Oh, Annie, this is Phil. Phil, this is Annie.”

Phil reaches his hand out to shake it and says a quick nice to meet you before he turns to Dan and says that he’s heading inside.

Dan doesn’t say anything else, he just smiles and nods and watches as Phil walks away. He turns back to Annie and she’s staring at him, tapping off the ash from the end of her cigarette.

“Who is that?” She asks.

“I already introduced you,” Dan says, rolling his eyes.

She lifts the cigarette to her mouth and Dan notices that she’s wearing the thin band that he gave her. His heart sinks a bit further down into his stomach.

She rolls her eyes, “Don’t get cheeky with me, Howell. That’s not what I asked. Why were you holding hands with him?”

Dan doesn’t know what to say to her because he doesn’t fully have an answer. He and Phil haven’t spoken to each other about what their relationship actually was.

Annie shakes her head, “Nevermind. I brought you a gift.”

“A gift?”

Annie nods and then throws her cigarette on the ground and stomps it out with her foot. She digs into the bag on her shoulder and pulls out a small box and hands it to him.

“New Year's gift,” She says with a smile.

Dan thanks her and then it goes silent between them again. He’s not sure what else he can say. He honestly thought he was never going to see her again.

“You know,” Dan says, deciding to rip the plaster off. “We’re not engaged anymore.”

Annie looks at him and gives him a sad smile, “I know, Howell. But a girl can dream that she didn’t fuck everything up, right?” She lets out a cough and straightens herself up a bit. “I know you’re in love with someone else,” She says. “It’s okay, mate. Didn’t expect you to take me back after all of this...just...kind of hoped maybe you would.”

“It’s not...I’m sorry, Annie.”

She nods her head and flashes him another smile before she says, “I need to go. I’ve called a cab and they’re probably wondering where I am.”

She barreled past him and he watched as she walked away. He felt a weight lift from his chest, but then another one settled. He looked up towards the top of the building and saw the light of Phil’s flat glow through the curtains. He takes a deep breath and steps into the building, making his way up.

He knocks on Phil’s door, waiting for Phil to open it up. But no one comes. Dan stands puzzled on the other side, waiting longer for someone to come but it’s clear no one is. Did Phil fall asleep?

He knocks again and this time, he hears footsteps coming and the door opens. Phil stands on the other side, staring at him.

“Hi,” Dan says. “Still open for some drinking?”

Phil lets out a small breath and then says, “I don’t know, Dan…”

Dan swallows down the lump in his throat and bites his lip, “Then let me at least explain who she is.”

“She’s your girlfriend,” Phil says with no hesitation. “I get why you were so hesitant about doing anything with me now.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Dan says. “Please, let me explain.”

Phil steps aside and opens the door wider and Dan walks in, leaving his shoes behind next to Phil’s on the rug beside the door. They make their way into Phil’s living room and they sit down.

“She was my fiance,” Dan says, needing to just get everything all out into the open now. “We met when we were in America. She was in the same class as me and we hit it off. When I moved back to the UK, she moved here too to go to university in Scotland. We decided to date because I thought why not. I was still getting over you and everyone told me that I needed to get myself out there again, so I went for it.”

Dan looks up from his hands to see Phil staring at him, stone faced. Dan can’t read how he’s feeling but he can see that he’s listening and that’s enough for him to continue.

“We were never the most compatible couple. She was way more outgoing than me and so we found the balance to be really hard and we separated for a long time,” He pauses to gather his thoughts. “We reconnected a few years later and got back together and for some reason, my mind told me that she was going to be the only person I could potentially love again...after you. So I proposed and she accepted.”

“Why did you propose to someone if you didn’t want to be with them?” Phil asks and Dan looks at him.

“I don’t know,” Dan says. “Truthfully, I really do not know.”

“That’s a bit daft, don’t you think?”

Dan shakes his head and ignores Phil to get the rest of his story out.

“One day, we got into an argument and I called off the engagement. But she didn’t think I was actually calling it off but I was. We argued more and then I woke up one morning and she was gone. All I had was a text telling me she was leaving to go and find herself. I found out two weeks later she was in Capri...in Italy.”

Phil crosses his arms over his chest and sits quiet for a moment and so Dan adds, “This was the first time I’ve seen her since she’s left.”

Phil lets out a scoff and Dan feels his cheeks heat up in anger.

“Wha--”

“You’re so dense you don’t even see the irony in this entire situation,” Phil says. “Who does she sound like, Dan?”

Dan sits in silence, collecting his thoughts as he realizes...Annie was exactly like him. He did the exact same thing...but to Phil. He looks up and opens and closes his mouth a few times.

Phil just shakes his head and stands up, walking away from the couch. Dan finds himself going after him, he pushes off, and bounds forward, grabbing Phil’s arm, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to see Damien.”

The color drains from Dan’s face as he lets go of Phil’s arm, “Why?”

“Because Damien asked me to come over for drinks and I am.”

Phil walks further towards the door and Dan chases after him again. When Phil begins to slip his foot into his shoe, Dan reaches for his arm again, “Don’t…” Phil spins around and comes face to face with Dan and Dan finds himself pleading, “Don’t go to Damien. Please, Phil…”

“Dan...you had a fiance and I never even knew about it.”

“I didn’t love her,” Dan says, and he knows the words hurt. He shouldn’t be saying them but they slip out. “I didn’t love her because I’ve only loved one person in my life.”

Their eyes meet and Dan feels his eyesight blur as tears come to the waterline and he struggles to hold them back. Phil reaches up and puts his hand on Dan’s cheek, stroking the skin with his thumb.

Phil leans in and connects their lips and Dan reaches up, putting his arms around Phil’s neck for stability. He melts into the kiss, letting himself cling to Phil as he struggles to hold back his emotions.

Phil pulls back and looks Dan in the eyes as Dan sinks into seas of blue, “I want to know everything about you from the last ten years,” He says, his voice soft. “Don’t leave anything out. I want to know everything.”

Dan nods and connects their lips again as he whispers, “okay.”

As they make their way into the bedroom, and fall onto Phil’s bed, Dan lays beneath him. He keeps his hands as steady as they can be on Phil’s jaw, holding them both grounded. Their kisses are fevered and Dan can feel Phil undoing the button of his pants, opening them up to the cool air of the room.

Phil breaks the kiss, leaning down to kiss and suck at Dan’s neck. Dan closes his eyes and lets out a moan. No one will ever have this effect on him, only Phil.

And one day, he might even admit that to Phil.

[kae-karo]

Hi Katie! I just want you to know that I want your analysis of this new sims video more than anything and I'll just patiently wait for it... Have a nice day!

hi dear!! new sims vid, did u mean dnp simulator?

dorks spending the first ten seconds dancing in fake snow 

why virtual friends???? ??

my daddies gave to me y’all,,,,,,there’s knowing your branding and then there’s acting on that knowledge and i think this may have been one time where acting on your knowledge maybe was not a good call like ily and u do u and all but

i love phil loving his branding it’s cute also shoutout to @dnpscloset​ thanks for finding it (x) bc i want one now if anyone needs a last minute xmas idea i’m lookin at u mom u always wait til the last minute

same dan, same

‘we all have new faces and new lives and everything’s changed, this is gonna be hella dramatic’ *inhale* *exhale*

‘when u imagine the howlter family’ god they’re such adorable n sentimental nerds i love them

phil’s actual default is bein a leany boye

dnp arguing about what ‘desperate’ actually is as if the entirety of their first year after meeting they weren’t talking as often as they could five hour skype calls amirite

get away from me stalker lmao bold of u to say that danny

phil sweetie i love you with my entire heart he’s so so excited abt the virtual snow i love him

tiny zoom in jumpcut at 2:08 overlapping audio interesting

a mood and a half

phil immediately going ‘yeahhhhh thin walls family hearing things they gotta get out’ abt dab and evan like m8 we get it all u think abt is sex we get it god u and ur husband really are made for each other aren’t u (dnp = devan reference #1)

‘i presume evan is also jobless’ ‘i hope so!’ phil is it really,,,,,,smth to be excited about,,,,,,,

dan’s doin a lot of the hand phone lately u cute boy

we should have a redbull what is wrong with them phil can barely handle having too much sugar y’all thought it was a good idea to have a redbull also we should have a redbull they share literally everything which tbh is probs for the best lbr phil on a whole can of redbull hmmmmm yes ik it’s v possible and in fact probable that phil had his own can let me live

‘it’s a sensible lightweight jacket’ in the fucking snow wow dan u really did just set urself up for phil to drag u about not dressing for the weather

dan’s fucking laugh at 4:39 gives me life literally there is no purer and more adorable sound like that’s up there with kittens purring

‘i think he’s gonna be a bit of a diva in this relationship’ did you mean: dan howell (dnp = devan reference #2)

[slight bit of ankle is showing] dan: ‘and now you’re wearing shorts’

where’s the lie tho honestly that lil pause before he said mate

this clip will live in infamy bc i want this in every fucking phan edit for the rest of time like i can’t even think of the right out-of-context clip right now but anything that can be answered with phil saying ‘it’s dan’ i need it

mandatory phil covering his mouth and bein a cutie

yes destroy gender roles in the snow universe (although seriously dan’s ‘life is just about uncon-doing the horrible conditioning of all these gender stereotypes, phil’ is so important also i stan phil recognizing that before dan i think it’s really easy to forget that just bc up til recently he’s not been as expressive as dan of his opinions on how stupid gender roles are doesn’t mean he doesn’t have just as if not more progressive a mindset than dan)

‘it’s like a dan vs phil’ dnp = devan #3

dan has such a lovely singing voice i miss him singing

dude phil’s eyebrows are making a Solid appearance v expressive

i s2g this is a different moment from the one above he’s just so fricken cute???

‘but they’ve got each other’s backs, phil, just like dab and evan’ yeeeeaaaa i’m gonna go ahead and go with dnp = devan reference #4 here i think that’s fair

snow angels are the least fun thing to do and yet (x - it literally won’t let me put it in bc it’s a privated vid rip)

amazing they just started having a snowball fight how cute n domestic am i talking abt dnp or dab and evan hmmmm - dnp = devan #5

i get that infinity war was a meme but lads it’s time to let it go

‘and they’re called the howlters’ lmao as if u ain’t an honorary lester daniel (dnp = devan #6)

i’m living for phil’s excitement i mean if that’s what redbull does to him i’m here for it i guess?

hi they’re dumb this was cute

‘we don’t want to be those people, but for us personally, we very much found that you just need to just move into a big city of some kind and just jump into life with both feet’ this is not only adorable advice but also where dnp simulator comes into play aka we did this so uhh dab n evan should do it (dnp = devan #7) also dan speaking for them both singular pronouns are quaking

‘don’t trust that’ what on earth are u on abt phil what don’t u trust the fuckin desert or?????

scalyburg phil stop pls we know we get it dan’s a furry ur a scaly we got it

why does dan spend an entire 7 seconds (8:40) adjusting is he moving closer to phil? switching which leg he’s sat on? idk but it lead to me pausing at this moment which was a gift in and of itself

‘the deposit on that one, plus the weekly went would make us instantly broke, so that’s fun, us when we moved to london’ bih do u hear me crying

does dan remember phil’s first manchester apartment what kind of question is that phil have u met dan he probably remembers every bloody inch of that place i mean he did remember that there wasn’t a bedside table so

stop that

middle of the city, romance festival, geekcon, pretty views and cherry blossom trees sounds like dnp’s ideal location do u get why i’m calling it dnp simulator yet also dnp = devan #8

we don’t want to move next to the karaoke legends wow dan bold of u to say after belting helena at 2am real bold

phil having flashbacks to the apt they toured where they found out people died there

hi phil just looks so excited by everything

look i’m not saying anything except they’re managing to find a lot of similarities b.w their lives and what they’re doing for dab and evan okay like this apartment is great for people-watching? which is what phil did in his manchester apt?

context whomst? idk her

shoutout to the wardrobe

big bold life-changing steps

anon spitting truth up in this house (but like,,,,,my thoughts exactly lmao i was like they’re such introverts they would’ve avoided meeting their neighbors at any cost including apparently smacking into a locked door trying to avoid small talk phil we love u bab)

casually mentioning dan saying ‘we are dil-’ was he gonna say dil’s son, maybe but i like to remember the bloops of dan repeatedly calling dab dil so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

omg okay so from like. this point on, when dan’s like ‘here is my vision’, i’m absolutely getting queer eye vibes like amateur queer eye tho like two gay nerds trying to embody queer eye in their lives a bit oh wait

okay okay okay dan u said an ensuite bathroom and then failed to add a door to the bedroom do u understand how frustrating that is???????? do u understand how stressful it was for me to watch that whole damn vid and know that u forgot the door????

a space for hobbies what hobbies who has hobbies

they learned nothing from building their house before: phil should take the mouse away from dan immediately look at him he is such a sugar baby in this jfc

god dan is so cute get these idiots a penthouse apartment super high up so he can have his bath next to a window okay he deserves that in life

stop it they’re literally agreeing on almost every single thing god they literally share a single brain

amazing

leany boye

‘they are young adults moving into their first apartment, you don’t have art!’ okay first of all don’t even go there daniel second of all i’m sorry you’re the one arguing for spending literally all their money but u don’t want to get some art bc it’s unrealistic????

dan saying lovely

phil’s mr carpet

navy??? navy? when did they? why? 

i would get involved in a criminal plot to have that / i’m gonna throw you out of one

wow pro tips makin a comeback

phil is Losing Steam

oh my god okay so i was joking but literally phil is losing steam lmao 18:35 he says ‘ayy’ and it’s so tired-sounding

leany leany boyes

okay look ik dan’s going into ‘aww poor philly’ mode but also he knew that very quickly like honestly that’s not a Thing i would ever notice about someone tbh i’m not saying it’s like Significant but damn danny was really into phil to know that shiz man

the high-fashion gigantic rug of our dreams

okay look i can’t make this up phil literally leans away for a bit and then

hello daniel’s Curl

i stan phil getting excited over plants

dab and evan will be having a mario kart fest will they (dnp = devan #9)

mirroringggggggg

dude big mood god they’re so fond and full of memories 

honestly dnp made it that way like u cannot convince me they didn’t purposely decide to do that mmkay

‘see they are ready to have their romantic dinners. and then they can pretend they have another friend and it’s fine!’ am i talking abt dnp or dab and evan who knows :) (dnp = devan #10) 

cold in the middle what on earth i literally have no memory of that i mean it could just be my shit memory but jfc they just remember that stuff goddamn

scrunchy boyes also phil where’s ur arm at hm

like i’m not fuckin joking where is it

you can’t exist without a computer i mean

what is important in life / the internet

they don’t even have fucking doors and dan’s like ‘uhm they need a terrarium’ dan i’m stressed

oh my god i’m sorry phil is so done with this now it’s actually comical

hi they didn’t add a door for the ensuite

give dnp an interior design series honestly give them any series

phil reached for dan’s hand u cannot convince me otherwise

‘not my personal taste’ really,,,,,really

when dab n evan hug dan looks at the screen n phil looks at the camera things u didn’t need to know but now u do

lmao jumpscared by the kiss

‘i feel like i’ve never nailed anything more in my entire life’ hmmmm hmmmmmmmmmm hm

the fuck was dan’s ‘getting a job’ that’s his fnaf voice u stop that

doon doon doon doon

tongue

hi uhm what the Fuck was that jumpcut at 28:30 i hate Obvious Jumpcuts with a burning passion specifically bc of dnp

[phanlight]

The Boy on the Blue Moon Dreams of Sun

prompt: dan is a theatre kid who hasn't had his first kiss but has to kiss someone for a show. he doesn't want his first kiss to be wasted so he tries to get it done properly beforehand & he meets phil and w/e you can take it from there!!!

““Tell you what,” Phil leans into him, and Dan can smell his cologne. “We’re gonna come back up here again, okay? And you’re gonna tell me about yourself. Properly, this time.

Dan frowns. “Isn’t that what we’ve spent the past ten minutes doing?”

“Yeah,” Phil says. “The only difference being next time we do this, I’m going to ban you from saying the word ‘acting’. So I can hear about you, the real you, and not whoever you pretend to be for a living.”

-

GUESS WHICH BITCH IS BACK AND WRITING AGAIN (spoiler: IT ME)

I thought it was about time I branched out a bit and tried my hand at a theatre au. This was so much fun to write (albeit kinda hard as despite being a literature student my Romeo and Juliet knowledge is a little subpar lmao lets hope I at least sort of did it justice tho) and deffo has more than ur daily dosage of angsty teenage actor!dan so look forward to that. thank u to the lovely anon who prompted me with this! (also yes i’m still relying on ptv lyrics for my song titles after 3 years sh)

Also I’m sorry if the writing in this is a lil inconsistent. I started this fic literally over a year ago and abandoned it for ages before finding and continuing it again. The first half was written in literally like mid 2016 (from which point my writing has obv improved a lot) and since then I’ve been working on it sporadically so if it feels like halfway through my writing style suddenly changes then that’s why OOPS soz

This was not supposed to be this long im so sorry wtf 13k ??? fuks sake

It’s the first time Dan’s ever been pissed off with being cast a lead role in a play.

He usually loves it – he loves the attention, loves having a ripped up script full of highlighted lines and more soliloquies to memorise than he can even keep count of. He shines under the warmth of the spotlight, lapping up the attention like a hungry cat, and when the applause ripples throughout the audience at the end, he can’t get enough of the sound.

It’s just- well, there’s one problem with his part.

It’s nothing he has against Romeo, not necessarily, and the piece itself is okay – Dan’s copy of the popular play in question is already crumpled with annotations; small post-it notes spilling fluorescent colours out of every crease (studying English literature alongside Drama always comes in handy as far as Shakespeare is concerned) and Romeo has a decent amount to say.

The problem is, he’s going to have to kiss someone.

Dan Howell, the one who snaps up almost every single role he auditions for, the one with a clay personality that can be moulded perfectly into whatever role he’s going for next, the one who lives the stage and breathes the lights, who was once described as ‘the heart and soul’ of the local theatre, is going to have to kiss someone.

And believe it or not, Dan Howell, the same seventeen-year-old who breezes through auditions leaving a flutter of girls at his feet, the same guy who was once rumoured to have made out with three people at the Les Miserables afterparty and the same guy who once had to reject two people in one night, has never actually kissed anyone before. Not properly, anyway.

Granted, he’s been extremely close to it a fair few times – having been in and out of auditions and callbacks since the age of about five, he’s come into contact with a considerable number of roles that involve love interests; only last month was his character Eddie supposed to kiss the love of his life, Alexandra, in the back of a car at a drive-in cinema. It was a play that one of the drama students had written; set in the fifties, all red-and-white ice cream parlours and hand jives and high school dances and Marilyn Monroe posters. Dan had enjoyed playing his part, and not just because it was the only opportunity he’d get to sport a black leather jacket (though he did decide leather looked really quite hot on him after that play. It’s almost a shame he’s vegetarian), but because the minor obstacle could, like every single other time, be solved with a stage kiss. Just a few seconds of his back to the audience, being agonisingly close to someone else’s lips, before pulling away and raking though his mind to try and remember the next line. It’s always worked for him, every time.

Except for this. Because the director, a Lucy Howcroft with a loud voice and a bossy personality, has only gone and booked them the Round at the Old Vic theatre. Which would be fine, of course it would; it’s one of the most popular theatres in the city and the theatre group is going to get a huge reputation for this afterwards, but it’s not so handy as far as stage-kissing is concerned. When you’re being stared at from every angle three-hundred-and-sixty degrees around, there’s no way you can get away with only partially leaning in to kiss.

“Are you sure there’s no way around this?” Dan had insisted when he’d stolen a moment after rehearsal to talk to Lucy. She’d been clearing her desk – a papery mountain range, and had looked a bit too busy to talk, but Dan would rather discuss this with her one-on-one instead of having to voice his feelings with twenty other pairs of eyes staring at him.

“For someone who just bagged yet another lead role, I would’ve thought you’d be a little more gracious than this,” Lucy had muttered, snapping a file shut. “I didn’t have to cast you, y’know.”

“It’s not- I am grateful, you know I am, it’s just-“

“Is there a problem with the casting of Juliet?” she’d offered, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” Dan had insisted. “She’s fine.”

“The costume, then?” she’d tried. “I’m not a bloody mind reader, Dan. Help me out a bit here.”

Dan had shut his eyes and taken a deep breath, trying to comb the tangle of words in his head into some kind of coherent sentence.

“I mean- I just- the venue,” he gulped. “It’s- there’s a bit of a problem.”

“What about it?” Lucy sighed, irritation tracing the edges of her tone. “I fail to see what’s so problematic about getting a slot at the Old Vic of all places, but if you have any objections, then do enlighten me.”

“It’s not that, it’s just-“ Dan gulped, not really too sure how far he’s going to get with this. The bitterness already in her tone didn’t sound at all promising. “I don’t know. Do we have to perform in the round?”

“Christ, is performing in one of the most popular theatres in London that much of a chore?”

“No, no, I just-“ he gulped, trying to work out how the hell he’d word this without sounding like a twat. “I’ve never really… you know. Performed in an environment like that before.”

“You’ve been acting for twelve years,” she said bluntly. “I’m sure you have enough experience to be able to deal with a round stage instead of a rectangular one.”

“But- like, isn’t the round meant for- like… you know, Greek plays and shit?”

“It used to be,” she’d said, taking care to apply extra emphasis on the past tense. “Since when were you so hung up on the traditions of theatre, anyway?” she’d added after a pause. “Only last week were you totally in favour of the idea of having a rap battle in the middle of Othello.”

Dan had frowned, because that wasn’t really fair – sure, a rap battle isn’t exactly a common feature of Shakespeare’s plays, but no one could deny that Louis, playing Iago, was pretty good at freestyling whenever a mic was thrown in his direction. Despite not adhering to the conventions of traditional English theatre, it certainly made the play more entertaining.

“It’s just gonna be- you know. It’s gonna take some getting used to,” he’d mumbled instead.

“You have three months to get used to it,” she’d pointed out. “I’m sure you and the rest of the cast will have familiarised yourself with it by the time the production comes around.”

“But- the round is traditionally meant for-“

“Look, if you’re going to get so archaic about it, I can always build a time machine, book the open-air Globe for, like, sometime four-hundred years ago, and you can spend the next three days picking rotten tomatoes out of your hair,” she said. “Does that sound better?”

“They only did that to bad actors,” Dan had pointed out. Lucy rolled her eyes.

“And you know what makes a good actor, Dan?” she retorted. “Flexibility. The willingness to branch out of your comfort zone.”

Dan had sighed. He’s not going to get anywhere with this, is he?

“You know what?” he’d finally shaken his head, defeated. “Forget it.”

She watched him turn on his heel with a raised eyebrow. “See you Tuesday, then? First read-through of the script is at eleven in the morning.”

“See you then,” Dan muttered, not even bothering to turn around.

He let the door slam behind him.

It’s not that Dan doesn’t want to kiss anyone – (quite the contrary, really. He loves the idea of it, loves the thought of someone’s lips pressed up against his, the world slowing down around them and his heart feeling like fire. He’s always tried to incorporate that feeling into his acting, letting his passion leak into every character he’s cast, but when the stage lights are off and the curtain is down, his attraction to his colleagues ends there) – it’s just- well, he doesn’t really think he’s found the right person to share the real experience with, yet. His fellow actors and actresses aren’t unattractive by any means, but he doesn’t look at any of them and find himself struck by the desire to taste their lips and whisper incoherence into their ears like Eddie was supposed to do in the back of that car.

Seventeen, and still hasn’t had his first kiss. Still doesn’t want to waste it, at that.

Pathetic.

-

Technicians don’t get paid enough, Phil thinks.

He’s spent the day holed up in the trap room, devouring what was left in the back of the fridge (including a half-opened pack of Doritos that tasted like they expired about five years ago) and puzzling over this fucking broken light board that everyone had very kindly left him to take care of. It had already taken him over half an hour to get one of the chunky old Mac laptops up and running again (seriously, who in this day and age is still using an iBook?) and even then it only really half-functions – a handful of keys are missing, the trackpad only ever seems to work when it feels like it, and there’s a huge hairline crack right across the screen. Phil’s spent so long cursing through gritted teeth and smacking the table in frustration every time the damn thing freezes that it wouldn’t come as a surprise if he ended up contributing to those cracks by the end of the day. Maybe that’s how they ended up there in the first place.

“You alright?” the door suddenly opens and a voice – Nick, Phil presumes, breaks the aching silence that the room has been blanketed in for the past four hours. Finally, Phil sighs, feeling a pinch of anger melt away. Human company.

“Been better,” Phil mumbles, popping a couple of grapes into his mouth. Been better, he scoffs to himself. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t been worse.

“Chuck me a coke, will you?” he pulls up a chair and puts his feet on it, perching on the edge of the table. Phil heaves out a sigh – that involves getting up – but musters up enough energy to lean over and yank the fridge open. He tosses him a can, and Nick catches it expertly.

“Nice of you to show up,” Phil rolls his eyes. “Only four hours late this time. That’s an hour and a half off your personal best.”

“They said they didn’t need me here ‘till three,” he protests, popping the can open and taking a few gulps. “They said you had it all under control.”

His sentence is punctuated by a burp. Phil grimaces.

“Under control,” Phil snorts. That’ll be the fucking day.

“What did they leave you here to do?” he frowns.

“Only fix this entire fucking thing,” Phil nods over to the stupid light board. God, he’s sick of the sight of it. “Beats me what’s wrong with it. I’ve only just managed to get this dinosaur up and running,” he gestures to the corpse of a laptop in front of him, “let alone look at that.”

“Fuck me, man,” Nick sighs out a heavy breath. “If I knew, I could have come in earlier to help you out a bit. You should have texted me.”

“It’s fine,” Phil sighs even though- well, it’s not, really. There’s only so many hours of broken technology and out-of-date food one can take. “It’s not your fault,” he adds truthfully.

“They’re twats sometimes, aren’t they?” Nick lowers his voice, despite the fact they’re literally underground here, beneath the earshot of everyone.

“I’ll say,” Phil widens his eyes, trying to click something and- nope, it’s fucking frozen again. “For fuck’s sake. They’re all bloody loaded, too. You would have thought with the money they have, they could fork out a little for equipment that at least half-functions, right?”

“Yup,” Nick sighs. “Guess bookings for overpriced fancy-ass theatres are higher up on their agenda, though.”

Phil can’t argue with that. Apparently they’re going to have to wire up something in the Old Vic, of all places, next week. Phil dreads to think how much hiring that place out for even a few hours is going to cost, let alone booking it for three nights.

Probably more than enough to buy a better fucking laptop.

-

“But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief,

That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Be not her maid since she is envious.

Her vestal livery is but sick and green,

And none but-“

“No- no,” Lucy holds up her hand. “Come on, Dan. More emotion than that. You’re telling the love of your life that even the moon is envious of her beauty. At least pretend to put some passion into it.”

Dan rolls his eyes – only the fourth time he’s had to repeat this fucking soliloquy in the past fifteen minutes. He’s pretty sure he’s only one “no, no, it’s too (insert adjective here)” away from giving up with this whole thing altogether. He’d rather have played Benvolio anyway.

“Come on,” Lucy continues. “We’ll take it from Be not her maid…”

Dan shuts his eyes, scrapes up the remaining traces of his sanity, and takes another breath.

“Be not her maid since she is envious.

Her vestal livery is but sick and green,

And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off!

It is my lady. Oh, it is my love.

Oh, that she knew she were!

She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?

Her eye discourses. I will answer it.—

I am too bold. 'Tis not to me she speaks.

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

To twinkle in their spheres till they retur-“

“No, no-“ she interrupts him again and for fuck’s sake, at this rate, Dan won’t even need to spend any time in his bedroom going over his lines. He’s pretty sure he’s memorised half of the monologues already just from recapping in rehearsals alone.

“Come on, really feel it,” she pleads. “You can’t say something as romantic as that with a face like yours – you’re literally saying that two stars in the sky have gone away and they’re asking Juliet’s eyes to shine in their place until they return.”

Dan balls his fists, ready to snap back that yes, he’s fully fucking aware of what’s going on in the play thank you very much, in case she hadn’t forgotten he did actually study it for three separate exams and subsequent exposure to the text in question has made him rather familiar with the occurrences currently taking place, but they’re all interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Come in,” Lucy huffs, mildly irritated.

The door knob jitters, then twists.

“Hiya,” a black-haired boy nods tiredly, pushing through the crack in the door. Dan immediately recognises him – one of the tech guys, he thinks, but he isn’t entirely certain. He’s never really spoken to any of the crew before; they tend to keep well out of the limelight (they’d rather control it instead).

“Everything okay?” Lucy asks, before turning to Dan and Alexandra (his Juliet). “You two, take five. Be ready to take it from the top.”

They both relax and take a seat on one of the upturned wooden boxes. It isn’t until Dan takes the weight off of his legs he realises how much they’ve been aching – fuck, he really needs to get back to that gym.

“Any luck?” she says to Mr. Black-Hair. He’s holding a laptop that looks as if it’s seen better years, never mind days, and a long cord of wire that snakes around his fist.

“Nothing at all,” he sighs, flicking a strand of his fringe out of his eyes. His hair looks as if it hasn’t seen a hairbrush for days, but there’s something about the way it sits shaggily on his head that kind-of suits him (Dan wishes he could pull off messy hair – he only attempted ditching the straighteners once and spent the rest of the day wondering if any birds had mistaken his head for a nest).

He doesn’t realise he’s been staring until he catches the tail end of Alexandra’s sentence and realises he hasn’t actually been listening for the past minute or so.

“What was that, sorry?”

“I asked you how you were finding Romeo so far,” she repeats.

“Hm? Oh yeah, yeah- he’s fine,” Dan says, not taking his eyes off of Mr. Black-Hair. He’s lost the thread of their conversation (he’s no lip reader) but by the looks of it, it seems as if there’s a problem with one of the laptops.

“Are you sure?” Alexandra frowns. Dan looks at her, but his glance is soon pulled back to the technician.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

She shrugs. “You don’t really- I don’t know, you just don’t seem to be… you know. That into it, y’know?”

“Wait-“ Dan shakes his head, trying to focus on their conversation instead of the one a few metres away from. “Hang on- what? What makes you say that?”

She raises her eyebrows, as if to say ‘really?’. Dan’s expression remains carefully blank.

“Come on, Dan. We wouldn’t have had to repeat this stupid scene like, five times if you were actually into it. I’ve seen you do way better than this.”

“Oh, not you as well,” Dan groans, deflating. He’s pretty sure that exact sentence had fallen from Lucy’s lips not so long ago. He’s sick of hearing it, sick of having to sit and listen to people tell him that he ‘can do way better’ and ask ‘is everything all right, Dan? Nothing bothering you, is there?’ because he’s just ‘not himself’ at the moment.

That’s the most ridiculous one, he thinks, because for Christ’s sake, he’s an actor. He’s never himself.

“No, I don’t mean it like that,” Alexandra says, backtracking. “You know I don’t. I just- I think I overheard Lucy say you had a problem with something or other last week?”

“Did you,” Dan mumbles, unable to keep the bitter sarcasm out of his town. Alexandra remains unfazed.

“What was that about, though?” she remains unfazed. “Nothing to do with the casting, is it?”

“You really think it’s to do with the casting?” Dan stares at her in disbelief, before scoffing. “Yeah, like, I’m gutted to have bagged the lead role alongside you at one of the best theatres in the country. How am I going to cope?”

Not entirely truthful, but not a complete lie either.

“Just making sure,” a grin tugs at her lips, and she flicks a curl of red hair behind her shoulders. “I don’t have much of a problem with it myself, to be honest.”

“That’s reassuring,” Dan smirks sarcastically, but his tone is fairly benign. There’s certainly no denying she’s fucking gorgeous and it’s really no wonder she’s Juliet – she has hair the colour of a sunset falling down her back in ruby curls, emerald eyes framed by a curl of long eyelashes and cherry red lips that stretch into a wide smile whenever Dan cracks a joke, giving way to a small dimple on the side of her cheek. Her skin is pale, the colour of moonlight, almost, and he idly thinks, just for a fleeting second, that the moon probably would be jealous of her. She’s beautiful.

“Certainly don’t have a problem with getting to snog you in front of a thousand people, I must be honest,” she adds, and Dan’s stomach drops and his grin vanishes. Shit.

He wrings out a laugh, internally wincing at how false it sounds. “Yeah, I- um-“

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” someone mutters a few footsteps away from them. He snaps his head up, and Lucy plus Mr. Black-Hair are hunched over the desk, clearly getting nowhere with the absolute disaster they call an iBook.

“Wait- what’s the problem?” Dan suddenly gets up. He feels a little bad for leaving Alexandra so abruptly so he throws her a little apologetic ‘be right back’ glance, but he can’t help it – he might actually be able to help, here.

He shoves down the other voice in the back of his mind, the ‘or rather you’re just grabbing at any opportunity to avoid any potential conversation about the kiss you fucking wimp’

“It’s okay, Dan, sit back down. I’ll be with you both in a second,” Lucy calls over her shoulder.

“No, really,” Dan insists. “I know a thing or two about Macs. I have one myself, and-“ he catches Lucy drawing in a breath, ready to protest, and he regrets the spill of words almost as soon as they come out – fuck, why can’t he just keep his mouth shut? – but Mr. Black-Hair turns around, an eyebrow quirked upwards.

“Really?” his stare is the colour of ice, the sky on a December morning, but it’s weirdly warm at the same time.

“I- uh, yeah,” Dan stutters when he remembers how to talk again. “I’ve always had Macs. They’re great when they decide to work, but they can be a bitch when they begin to act up, and-“ he cuts himself off with an awkward shrug, “yeah.”

“Tell me about it,” the technician smirks. “This bastard-” he nods to the chunky white rectangle in his arms, “took me like, half an hour to boot up alone. And now it’s been frozen for like- twice as long as that. I’ve only had chance to type in my password so far.”

Lucy’s still standing in the middle of them and it’s getting a bit difficult to ignore the stony glare burning into Dan’s peripheral vision right now and even harder to avoid eye contact with her, but it doesn’t stop him from offering some help, albeit rather inappropriately timed.

“I- um, have my MacBook with me if that helps?” Dan offers, trying not to feel the heat of his blush when Mr. Black-Hair looks straight at him. “I mean- if you don’t need it that’s fine, but like- it’ll function a bit better than that thing,” he shrugs. “I dunno. It would probably save you a lot of time.”

“Really?” he raises an eyebrow. “Like, with you right now?”

“Yeah,” Dan says. “I mean – I haven’t got my charger on me, but it’s on, like, eighty percent. Should be fine.”

“I mean-“ he throws a permission-seeking glance, towards Lucy, who Dan is pretty sure would be having steam coming out of her ears would it be humanly possible. She fixes Dan with a hard stare, a real ‘go on; be my guest’ look that’s always comes across as more of a dare than permission, a challenge for his conscience, but he can’t help an apologetic smile tugging at his lips.

“It’s cool with you, right?” his lips say before his mind catches up.

Lucy rolls her eyes in defeat. “If you absolutely must. But only- only because I could do with the extra time to independently go over one of Alexandra’s soliloquy.”

His face breaks out into a grin, and he’s not that sure why. “Thanks, Luce. I owe you one.”

“Don’t you make a habit of this, though. Remember; this is your own rehearsal time you’re sacrificing.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan calls over his shoulder, trailing off. Mr. Black-Hair holds the door open behind him, and suddenly they’re out of the rehearsal studio and walking in a weird mutual silence sitting in a strange middle ground between comfortable and uncomfortable, across the car park and over to the actual theatre.

“Are you alright to do this, yeah?” Mr. Black-Hair (Dan seriously needs to come up with more imaginative mental nicknames for people) breaks the silence on their walk down to the trap room.

“It’s no problem at all,” he smirks as another wooden step groans under his foot. “Anything to get out of rehearsal.”

Dan’s never really been here before, never touched the underground territory where the technicians lurked, but there’s something about the atmosphere of this place that grips him.

-

Half an hour passes, and Dan couldn’t really tell you why he’s still sitting down here, still sitting on a revolving chair with a rip in the upholstery, under half-broken beams, tables that look like they’re seconds away from collapsing, and a lot of weird technology that he’d never even attempt to get his head around (seriously – do they even need this many buttons?). He’d given his laptop to Black Hair to receive a very emphatic ‘thank you, like seriously you’re a fucking lifesaver if I spent a second longer with that piece of shit I really don’t know what I would have done’ and the job had been done in seconds. Since then, a casual conversation had been struck up and Dan finds he doesn’t actually want to go back upstairs just yet.

“You two sounded really good in there,” Black Hair comments. They’d been talking about the play. “From what I heard, anyway.”

“Thanks,” Dan says, trying to ignore the quiet blush that warms his cheeks. There’s nothing quite like someone complimenting his acting. “Clearly not good enough for Lucy, though.”

“Few things are, Dan,” he sighs, and Dan only finds it half-weird that this guy knows his name, but Dan doesn’t actually know his. It’s unnerving, sure, but nothing he’s a stranger to. “She’s been on at you all morning.”

“Yeah,” Dan pauses, before adding an apologetic “sorry, I- um, I don’t think I caught your name?”

“It’s fine. I’m Phil,” he grins, and Dan thanks his lucky stars there’s finally a name to put to the face.

Dan studies him briefly, and frowns. “You do look familiar, actually.”

“Yeah – I do all the donkey work downstairs,” he grins. “You may have seen me emerge from the cave every now and then.”

Dan chuckles, deciding there and then that he likes Phil.

“Doesn’t it get lonely?” Dan asks, studying the square lights looming above them, one of which he notices is stuttering slightly, flickering on and off every now and then.

Phil shrugs, not taking his eyes off of the screen. “Kinda. But I mean – I have my little crew down here, y’know? There’s five of us. We just like- keep each other company. Help each other whenever we need to,” he glances at Dan. “Oh, and sneak up to the theatre and watch you guys every now and then.”

Dan giggles. “Brilliant. Must be a nice little community, though.”

“Yeah, it is,” Phil hesitates. “Or perhaps ‘support group’ might be a more appropriate term. For the poor sods who have to put up with shitty laptops and gross food.”

Dan laughs, and helps himself to another Dorito.

-

“Okay, right- Dan, sorry if this sounds a bit weird because- like, we’ve pretty much only just met, but like- um- I was wondering if you wanted to-“

“Phil,” Dan cuts him off. As an actor, there’s something about hearing people stutter and ramble without really saying anything that tends to grate on him. “I’d love to.”

“Really? Well, I-“ Phil stops and frowns. “Hang on a second. How did you know I was gonna ask you to hang out?”

Dan shrugs like he hasn’t spent the last thirteen years mastering the sciences of body language and speech and how they can be applied to the acting world. “Lucky guess, I suppose.”

Phil smiles. “I mean- would you? Like, really?”

“Of course,” Dan says.

“Well yeah, like- I don’t have to be home for a while yet, and I have a car so we could just like- drive around for a bit? Go to town if you want?”

Dan smiles, and repeats what he said before he even knew what Phil was going to say.

“Yeah. I’d love to.”

-                                          

It’s a bit of a weird result to come out of lending his laptop to a stranger for a while, but it’s how Dan finds himself spending the evening sat in the passenger seat on the top of a car park roof, blasting some weird indie song from the depth of Phil’s Spotify and watching the sun sink further behind the buildings, painting the sky warmer with every slow minute that passes on the dashboard clock.

They’d had a drive around the city together, sometimes talking, sometimes letting lulls in the conversation give way to thoughtful silences, both of them tapping away to Phil’s music taste, but Dan thinks it’s been about fifteen minutes since either of them last said anything.

“So,” Phil is the first to break the silence. He flicks the last of his cigarette out of the window (Dan had insisted on rolling down the windows before he did that – there’s no way he’s going home stinking of an ashtray). “Tell me about yourself.”

Dan looks up from his phone at that, his heart thudding.

“You what?”

“You know,” Phil’s gaze doesn’t move, his eyes fixed on the view in front of the windscreen. They’d picked a spot at the very top of a multi-storey car park overlooking everything, leaving the city a pool of lights and colours and life far beneath them. “I don’t really know you. So tell me about yourself.”

“I- um-“ Dan gulps. This wasn’t really a question he came prepared for. He shrugs. “I don’t really know what there is to tell, if I’m honest.”

“Oh, now come on,” Phil presses. “Just- anything. Your hobbies. Your life. Your dreams. What you want to be when you’re older.”

“I feel like I’m in a bloody job interview,” Dan chuckles. Phil’s lips quirk upwards in response.

“You are. I’m interviewing you to see if you’re fit for the job of being mates with me.”

“The ‘job’?” Dan frowns. “Like it’s a chore?”

“That’s for you to decide,” Phil grins. “Now, come on. I wanna hear about you.”

Dan gulps, silence falling for the first time in a while.

“I- um, well I think my hobby is probably pretty obvious, for a start,” Dan begins. Phil rolls his eyes. “And what I wanna be when I’m older, too. I’m gonna do a degree in Drama, I reckon.”

“What else are you into, then?”

Dan stops for a second. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on,” Phil presses, flicking his lighter and sparking up another cigarette. “You must have other interests besides acting. You got a girlfriend?”

Dan clams up. “Um- no.”

“Oh. Boyfriend, then?” he quirks his eyebrows, and Dan shakes his head miserably.

“Afraid not.”

“Glad we established that,” Phil smirks, but Dan doesn’t really smile back.

He chews on the inside of his lip, having a staring contest with a pair of headlights sliding across one of the roads beneath them.

“What music are you into, then?”

Dan swallows, trying to think. It’s like someone’s scraped over his mind with an eraser, rubbing out his interests and his life and his personality, all pencilled in with weak lines.

“Oh, you know,” he shrugs. “This and that. I like whatever this is,” he nods to the Spotify track on Phil’s phone. “Bit of Indie, it’s good. Oh, and I love- what are they called? Pink Floyd?”

“Floyd’s good,” Phil agrees. “And Nirvana.”

“Yeah,” Dan gulps, feeling another silence probe the conversation.

“You into the Smashing Pumpkins?”

Dan shakes his head.

“Oh, okay. Slaves?”

Dan shakes his head again.

“Genesis?”

“Never even heard of them.”

“Cobalt Night?”

Dan shakes his head again

Phil cackles. “Oh Christ. You do realise I made that last band up?”

“Oh god,” Dan can feel his cheeks burn peony. “I’m not doing myself any favours here, am I?”

“Don’t worry, I’m only messing with you,” Phil says. “I think it would be more embarrassing if you said yes, to be honest.”

“True,” Dan shrugs, feeling Phil’s stare burn into his side profile. He sits back further in his seat, keeping his stare.

“You’re not really into much, are you?

Dan shrugs.

“I’m more into Musical Theatre, really. Ever since we did a production of Hamilton I haven’t really been able to get that rap out of my head,” he chuckles.

“Right,” Phil sits up a little bit and clears his throat. “Well we’ve established your music taste and your hobby. Who are your favourite actors, then?”

It’s like someone’s flicked a switch inside Dan. His eyes light up.

“-and Leonardo DiCaprio, oh my God, don’t even get me started on him. I mean- who wouldn’t fuck young Leo? Have you even seen him in Titanic? And Romeo and Juliet too, Jesus Christ he’s gorgeous. He’s so fucking gorgeous. I’m not gonna do Romeo’s role any justice when he’s my competition, am I?”

Phil just nods and says the odd ‘hm’, listening to Dan’s stream of consciousness.

“-and Helena Bonham-Carter, what a fucking legend, man. She’s just- her character is just so versatile, you know? I mean- there’s a good reason she’s in literally everything, and that’s because she’s fucking amazing- have you seen Fight Club? You must have seen it, it’s incredible. She’s incredible. It’s a bit of a mind fuck if I’m honest, what with the split personality thing and everything, but- oh God, Brad Pitt is so good in it too. And he’s pretty hot, I’m not gonna lie. Well, until he grew out his hair and looked a bit like a farmer. But- where was I? Oh yeah, Helena Bonham Carter-”

“She was good in Sweeney Todd, too,” Phil comments, and he’s off again.

“-like, that was the first time I ever saw Johnny Depp act, and by Christ that film creeped me out. I mean- I was only like, seven when I watched it so of course it was gross, like, what seven year old watches people do- you know, that, to paying customers? I feel sorry for the poor sods who just went in there wanting to give their beards a trim. But- yeah, they were both really good in Sweeney Todd. I had a bit of a crush on Helena- and Johnny too, for that matter, I mean come on, who didn’t? But then I found out Johnny Depp is a bit of a dick in real life so I went off him after that. But Helena’s still cool, obviously.”

“She’s good, yeah,” Phil nibbles at a protruding hangnail on his thumb.

“And- oh god, who’s another good actor? Oh, don’t even get me started on Morgan Freeman. Absolute fucking legend. Like, oh my god. Him and that other one- god, what’s his name? The guy from Donnie Darko?”

Dan’s brain is moving far too quickly for Phil to keep up and he has no idea what the correlation between Morgan Freeman and Donnie Darko is, but he gives it a shot anyway.

“Jake Gyllenhaal?”

“Yes. Yes, oh my god, that’s the one,” Dan’s face breaks out into a grin. “Fuck, Donnie Darko. What a film, man. My friend has a tattoo of it, and-“

It continues like this, Dan chatting nineteen-to-the-dozen and Phil counting the glitters of passion in his eyes, before they’re both interrupted by a buzzing on Dan’s lap.

“Oh shit,” he grabs his phone. “It’s my mum.”

Phil doesn’t know what she’s saying on the other end of the line, but judging by Dan’s apologies it sounds like he’s stayed out here for a little too long.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbles, tugging on his seatbelt. “Lost track of time a bit, there.”

“Clearly,” Phil grins.

“This was good, though,” Dan says. “Like, really good. Thanks for, you know. Suggesting this.”

“Tell you what,” Phil leans into him, and Dan can smell his cologne. “We’re gonna come back up here again soon, okay? And you’re gonna tell me about yourself. Properly, this time.

Dan frowns. “Isn’t that what I’ve spent the past like- hour doing?” he glances at the clock and shit, has it really been that long? It’s pitch black outside, the only light coming from the glitter of the city beneath them (shit, it really is beautiful from up here) and he was supposed to be home forty-five minutes ago.

“Yeah,” Phil says, starting up the engine. “The only difference being next time we do this, I’m going to ban you from saying the word ‘acting’. So I can hear about you, the real you, and not whoever you pretend to be for a living.”

-

The next few days pass in a blur of line-learning, enduring Lucy’s lectures about how he just ‘isn’t putting enough ‘oomph’ into it, come on now, we’ll take it from the top one more time’ and Dan has to act like he actually gives more of a shit about what Romeo’s saying right now than what Phil had said in that car a few days ago. He has to act like it isn’t what he’d been reciting over and over in his mind, the words digging grooves into the back of his mind and making themselves at home.

He has to act like there’s more to his fucking life than acting.

-

The next time Dan sees Phil, they’re both cooped up in a control room eating lunch in a companionable silence; Dan going over his lines and Phil puzzling over these two wires that are, according to him, sly bastards that won’t fucking go in these holes Jesus Christ, to which Dan had shut his eyes and prayed to god no-one outside the room had caught that out of context. There’s a huge control panel, rows and rows of buttons and sound mixers and, as Dan had very accurately christened them, “slidey-things” in front of them. He has no idea what any of this stuff is, no idea what a “cross-fader” is or what the hell a “submaster” is supposed to do, but every now and then Phil will casually lean over and flick a switch or press a button and a stage light beneath them will change.

“What’s up?”

Dan looks up from his script. He’s been poring over his lines for so long he’s pretty sure stripes of yellow highlighter are now permanently inked into the back of his mind, now.

“What? Nothing.”

Phil swings his legs off of the bar they’d been resting against. They’re halfway through sharing a KitKat (Dan had taken a trip down to the Co-op at the beginning of the lunch break and returned with a bag so heavy with food it had left a dent in his hand, insisting Phil can’t be living on stale crisps his entire life) and watching a rehearsal, one Dan doesn’t have to be in for once, through a pane of glass.

“You’re going to have to do better if you want to convince me, Mr. Theatre Kid,” Phil reaches over to the bowl in front of them and plucks a grape from the stem. “I thought you were good at acting.”

“What do you want me to do; leap up and perform a jig?” Dan turns a page, the paper rustling a bit too loudly. “I’m fine, Phil. Stop reading into things too much.”

Phil stares at him. “You’re sat there with a face as long as my leg, and I’m reading into things?” he quirks an eyebrow. “Be careful. If you stare at that page any longer it’ll probably burst into flames.”

“Shut up,” Dan mutters, the edge in his voice a little too sharp for it to slip by as a joke.

Phil does.

Dan sighs. “Sorry, I just-“

“Rehearsals getting to you?” he suggests softly. Dan doesn’t plan on letting the real problem slip; Christ, he can only imagine the havoc that would ensue if it got around that as well as obsessing over acting he’s also never actually kissed anyone, so he quickly takes Phil up on that.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “I mean- Romeo’s a good character to play, I guess, but he does have an awful lot to say.”

“You’ll be okay,” Phil reassures him. “You still have months of time left to memorise your lines. When’s the play?”

“Seventh of February,” Dan says. Two months from now.

“There we go,” Phil says. “You have plenty of time yet.”

“I guess so,” Dan shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“You’ve done this millions of times before,” Phil says. “You’ll be fine; I know you will. You’re a natural.”

Dan wishes he knew the half, he really does, but there’s just something about Phil’s smile that makes him almost want to believe him.

-

Dan manages to tell Phil a little bit more about himself next time they’re on the roof together, and in return, he learns a bit about Phil too.

“Well, when I was acti-“

“Nuh-uh,” Phil interrupts him. “No acting talk, remember?”

Dan rolls his eyes. “It’s relevant to what I was gonna say. It’s an important part of the story.”

“Wherever the hell you can fit acting into a story about you and your friends getting drunk and stealing a supermarket trolley because you couldn’t afford a taxi, I’d be very impressed.”

“You’d be surprised,” Dan grins, and that was the only time acting came into conversation that night.

-

Dan learns Phil is eighteen, that he’d failed his driving test three times before passing because he was driving on the wrong side of the dual carriageway, and swears he’s going to give up smoking next year, he promises. He learns that his favourite colour is blue because he likes the way the colour skates across the ocean water in the summer, and that he used to be scared of dogs before his parents got him a puppy for Christmas, a bouncy Labrador called Daisy with a love for the sun and walks down to the beach.

“I fucking love dogs,” Dan beams.

“So do I, now. Took me long enough,” Phil agrees, taking a drag of his cigarette. “Daisy’s so cute, oh my god. You will love her.”

Dan doesn’t say anything, but there’s something about the definite use of ‘you will’ that he likes.

He, in turn, finds that he does have some thoughts and feelings and dreams hidden away in there, beneath the façade of scripts and stage lights and acting. He finds he does have stuff to say, stuff that isn’t always attached to a web stringing back to the theatre. He tells Phil all about his cat, Ozzy (a little shit who takes great pleasure in knocking all his belongings off of his desk and sleeping on his laptop, but he loves him anyway) his annoying next-door neighbours who don’t seem to see any problem with blasting ABBA at three in the morning, and they manage to find common bands they both like. Oasis is playing when the sun sinks, the sky darkens, and the city lights up beneath them.

“God, I love this one,” Phil mumbles, his speech obscured by the cigarette hanging out of his mouth. “Don’t Look Back In Anger. It’s one of their best.”

“Oh god, yeah,” Dan agrees, tapping along to the chorus. “That and Stand By Me. Oh god, and Champagne Supernova, too.”

Phil grins at that, and leans forward, picking his phone up from the dashboard. Before Dan has a chance to question him, the chorus stops dead in its tracks, and an acoustic softness follows the sudden silence, a series of guitar chords that are just that bit too familiar. He grins.

“I always think the intro sounds a bit like Wonderwall,” Phil comments, putting his phone down and leaning back in the seat.

“Yeah,” Dan sighs, leaning back in his own seat and turning his gaze to the city beneath them, staring at lights and roads and buildings until they pool into a hazy amber blur in his vision.

How many special people change,

How many lives are living strange,

Where were you while we were getting high?

Slowly walking down the hall,

Faster than a cannonball

Where were you while we were getting high?

 Someday you will find me,

Caught beneath the landslide,

In a champagne supernova in the sky.

Someday you will find me,

Caught beneath the landslide,

In a champagne supernova;

A champagne supernova in the sky.

They don’t say anything, instead letting Liam Gallagher do the talking, but sly glances are exchanged from under brown fringes and black eyelashes.

-

“Nice up here, isn’t it?”

It’s only until Phil breaks the silence they’ve lapsed into that Dan realises the song has drawn to a close. He slides his gaze from the city and over to Phil, over to his thoughtful stare skating along the skyline, the ruffled sweep of black hair coating his fringe, and the orange glow of a cigarette tip poking out of the corner of his mouth. His eyes flicker over to Dan’s.

Dan looks back over to the city.

“Yeah.”

“I always come up here.”

“I can see why.”

“Yeah, well. Sometimes a little look over the city is just what you need to clear your head. It just puts everything in perspective, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Dan swallows. “It really does.”

There’s a litter of thoughts and worries in his mind, buried deep and multiplying with every day that drags past, every day that pulls him closer and closer to the production, to the hundreds of burning stares in the audience seats, to his colleague’s lips. He’s been longing for a break from it. Just a few hours of silence, a few quiet moments that don’t have to be spent combing over every single thought in his head, thinking and thinking until it inflates into anxiety, spilling into the pit of his stomach and clawing at the edges as it goes.

And the more he counts the city lights, the more he feels the cold night air stroke his cheeks and the engines reverberating around the car park levels beneath them, the more he reckons a more few nights up here. It’s the remedy he needs; just him, Phil and the lights.

Their eyes meet seconds after, and Dan can feel the question he’s vowed to ask Phil before the end of the night already beginning to rest on his lips, on the cusp of speech.

“When can we do this again?”

-

The late nights begin to pass more frequently in a spinning blur of city nights, passenger seats and conversations, all whispers and cold air and stolen glances. Dan can feel himself unravelling like a threadbare blanket, his carefully constructed personas and characters fraying at the edges with every hour spent up on the top of the city with a boy whose lips spill truths like water, and it isn’t long until Dan finds cracks in his paper personalities and begins to feel more and more honesty begin to seep through. He finds that no, he doesn’t have to spin false anecdotes like cotton and lie about his interests and find a way of linking everything back to acting, hooking every little quirk and element to his personality back to the stage. He doesn’t have to impress Phil with his knowledge of Hollywood throughout the years and he doesn’t have to act like he loves things he’s never actually heard of and he doesn’t have to lock his feelings away and throw away the key.

He doesn’t have to pretend.

-

It’s all okay until they fall onto the topic of previous relationships.

It’s been a good night. They’d visited the car park again, but this time without the car (it was warm enough to leave it in the driveway and make their own way up the concrete staircases, glass bottles in plastic bags clinking around their legs). They’d situated themselves in the very same parking space, the one second to the right and next to a beacon, but they’d traded car seats for a picnic blanket, headlights for phone torches and gear sticks for bottle openers.

“Yeah, like- fuck, she wasn’t a good kisser at all, was Mary. I mean- we were in year nine and she tried, bless her, and God knows so did I. But you know, with that as my first impression of kissing, when it was over I was like ‘what the fuck is all the fuss about?’” Phil chuckles, and Dan pretends to grin.

“Yeah, I mean-“ he shrugs, staring down at his lap. “I’ve had my fair share of bad kisses in my time.”

The ease with which the lie rolls off of his tongue almost takes him by surprise. It’s been a while since he’s lied about himself to Phil, and it feels strange.

“I can imagine,” Phil says, before frowning. “But you’re an actor. So you must be an excellent kisser, right? What with all the practice you guys have.”

Dan frowns, looking up from his bottle. “You what?”

“Oh come on. I saw what went on in the back of that car last term. Eddie and Alexandra. That play involved more lip-on-lip action than the fucking Notebook.”

Dan smiles at that, remembering the play adaptation they actually did of that when he was in year ten. He doesn’t quite know whether to laugh or cry over the sheer amount of starring roles he’s had that are heavily eloped in some kind of romantic storyline.

“Us actors have our techniques,” he says carefully.

Phil’s eyes widen at that. “You do? Like what?”

Dan shrugs, taking another sip of beer. “Oh, you know.”

“No, I don’t know,” Phil shuffles closer, a flicker of eagerness in his cerulean stare and shit, Dan’s beginning to regret opening his mouth now. “Come on. What techniques do you have? I could use a few tips myself.”

Dan raises an eyebrow, his eyes firmly locked onto the spread of amber lights in front of them.

“I doubt you’d ever want to use these kinds of techniques on anyone,” he says, a hint of humour drying his speech. “I imagine stage-kissing on a real date would be quite a deal-breaker.”

“Stage kissing, huh?” Phil widens his eyes. “How does that differentiate from a real kiss, then?”

“Well,” Dan takes another sip of his drink, his vision beginning to slow down. “First of all, it’s not really a kiss at all.”

“Huh?” Phil frowns.

“I mean- not usually. There are different kinds of stage-kisses, but most of them don’t involve, you know,” he smirks, reusing Phil’s rather vulgar term of “lip-on-lip action”.

“So you guys don’t actually kiss?” Phil asks.

Dan shakes his head. “Nope.”

“But-… how does that work?”

Alcoholic courage swims through Dan’s veins at that. He glances at Phil.

The words are a whisper, a dare almost, and it isn’t until Phil nods that Dan realises he’s actually said it out loud.

“Want me to show you?”

“Yeah, go on,” Phil’s tone is casual, soft almost, but his eyes are glittering.

“Okay, well- come over here,” he beckons.

Phil does as he’s told, shuffling up on his knees until he’s facing Dan.

“One of the actors needs to have their back to the audience,” Dan says. “So, let’s say the wall over there is the audience,” he nods over Phil’s shoulder to the stretch of concrete watching them.

“Alright. The wall’s the audience. Now what?”

“Now,” Dan gulps, feeling his heart begin to pick up the pace because shit, this is really happening now. “So, what you do is, like, just lean in normally for a kiss, but stop just as your lips are about to touch.”

Phil scoffs. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“Look, do you want me to show you or not?”

“Nah, nah, I’m kidding,” Phil says. “C’mon, then. Show me how it’s done in Hollywood.”

“You dick,” Dan mumbles, but he’s leaning in.

Phil gets closer, his face begins to crawl up to Dan’s until their noses are brushing and his fringe is a tickle on Dan’s cheek and his breath mixes with Dan’s own, warm and languid through parted lips and fuck, Dan’s heart is really thudding now. His legs feel like jelly and his lungs feel like fire and there’s something warm and fiery swirling in the pit of his stomach, something alien, something that he’s certainly never felt before with any other colleague he’s come this agonisingly close to kissing.

They stay there for what feels like minutes, lips hovering, warmth tingling and the city still thundering beneath them, and it’s Phil who pulls away first.

“Impressive,” he smiles, eyes glittering with nonchalance. “Frustrating, but impressive. Is that your go-to one, then?”

It takes three swigs of beer to calm Dan down before he can speak again.

“I mean- um, yeah. Though sometimes if you’re, like, sitting really far over to the side in the audience you might be able to tell that they’re not actually kissing, so,” he shrugs. “It just depends on the stage, I guess.”

“Right,” Phil nods, swigging from his own bottle. “You, er- you mentioned a few other types, right?”

The thought of coming that close to Phil’s lips again sends the strange flame of warmth flooding back into Dan’s stomach. He all but chokes on his mouthful of drink.

“Er- yeah,” he stutters. “There are a few others,” he gulps again and shit, what’s up with him?

Dan doesn’t really know what’s happening, doesn’t know why being within a metre radius of this guy is already making him feel far more than he’d ever felt with any colleague, kissing or not, but it doesn’t stop him from beckoning the older boy over and showing him kiss number two, their lips locked together with nothing except Dan’s thumb in between them. He can feel the warmth of Phil’s mouth against his skin, the hot movement of Phil’s breath through his nose and the tickle of his hair against his cheek again. When he parts his mouth, Dan feels the tiniest touch of lip against his. It’s only the very corner and can’t have lasted for longer than a millisecond, but the feeling comes back like a spark to a flame and he’s beginning to find it difficult to balance and oh, shit.

They break apart, eyes searching each other’s, and it’s the first time Dan’s feeling like this post-‘kiss’ without having to throw on a character like an old shirt. He doesn’t have to follow anything up with someone else’s speech, with a fake accent and a stupid costume and a mannerism that doesn’t quite fit.

For once, he doesn’t feel like he has to act.

Phil narrows his eyes after a few silent seconds, fighting back a smirk.

Dan frowns, the post-stage kiss high beginning to melt away.

“What?”

“Is that seriously it?” Phil says.

“Yeah,” Dan moves away, trying to ignore the surge of electricity he had felt upon edging within a few millimetres of the other boy’s lips, the city a roar beneath them.

“I don’t know why I feel so disappointed,” Phil smirks. “From where I sit, looking at you lot doing all your stuff down on the stage, it looks a whole sight more realistic than that.”

Dan looks back out to the city.

“Yeah, well,” he says, feeling his heart slow down. “Acting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

-

“So. You and Alexandra, eh?”

Dan glares at him. Dawn is beginning to throw pastel colours into the blackness of the sky. It’s still dark enough to see the stars, fainter twinkles against the sweep of indigo above them, but it’s light enough for them to see each other, to make out feint outlines of faces in the low pre-sunrise light, eyes half-lidded and shadowed from the sleepless hours. It must be pushing four in the morning, and they’ve been here since eleven o’clock, leaving their parents with promises that they’re spending the night round each other’s houses to make a few preparations for the play.

(If reciting Romeo’s Balcony Scene soliloquy through giggles and slightly drunken slurs counts as preparation, then at least half of that promise is true).

“We’re not an item,” Dan mumbles, taking a drag from his cigarette. It tastes strange, kind-of like dirt and ash and tar and he’s not a smoker and probably never will be, but Phil had offered him one and- well, fuck it.

“I know,” Phil says. “But you guys are performing in the round, aren’t you?” Phil narrows his eyes, and Dan swears he leans an inch or two closer before whispering, “your stage kisses won’t work from that angle, I’m telling you.”

“Don’t remind me,” Dan shuts his eyes. So far he’d been doing quite a grand job of pushing that worry to the back of his mind, burying it deep into his consciousness. The whole reason he’s up here altogether is to escape it.

Phil hesitates.

“What?” he asks. “Don’t you want to kiss Alexandra?”

Dan gulps, the taste of alcohol souring on his tongue a little.

“It’s not that,” he says. “I mean- a kiss is a kiss, right? It’s all part of the job, and-“

“But you don’t fancy her,” Phil says.

Dan frowns. “Well- no, of course not. She’s a colleague.”

“I know,” Phil says. “It makes a difference though, doesn’t it?”

“What does?”

“Kissing someone you don’t fancy. It’s weird.”

“Tell me about it,” Dan mumbles. It’s getting harder and harder to maintain this lie. “I- er, yeah. I usually stick to stage-kissing on the job, to be honest,” he shrugs. “It’s just easier than kissing someone you don’t really have feelings for.”

“Have you never, you know, properly kissed anyone before, then?”

Dan takes a deep breath. Lies can flow like water when he wants them to; he’s a master at concealing the truth behind a blanket of fabrication and deception, but there’s something about talking to Phil that makes falsehood sour on his tongue.

He lets it out in a deep sigh, feeling his chest deflate and his heart thud. Fuck it.

“You know what?,” he begins. “No. I haven’t. I don’t know if you can tell, but- yeah. I dunno, I guess that’s why I’m so stressed about this shit with Alexandra. And like- I know that probably makes me a fucking loser for never having kissed anyone at the age I am now, and probably even more of a loser that I want my first one to be with someone special, but- fuck, I don’t know,” he swallows, feeling the knot of anxiety in his chest loosen a little. “No. I haven’t. Okay?”

Phil doesn’t say anything. He bites his lip and averts his eyes down to the neck of his bottle. He fiddles with the loose cap, letting it fall through the spaces between his fingers with a sharp clink.

Dan doesn’t like that, doesn’t like the silence. The knot returns.

“What?”

“I- er- that wasn’t really what I meant,” Phil finally says.

The knot tightens.

“What do you mean it’s not what you meant?”

“I meant have you properly kissed anyone on stage before,” Phil glances up. “Not in general.”

Dan’s stomach drops. Oh fuck.

He open his mouth, but no speech follows. No amount of words can haul himself out of his hole now. Shit.

“I mean-“ he finally speaks again after a silence, and there’s a tremor in his voice that he desperately tries to smooth over. “Oh, shit,” he deflates, feeling the pit of his stomach begin to churn due to the abundance of the night’s alcohol. There’s no point trying to clamber out of the hole he’s just dug himself. He’ll only deepen it.

“Have you really never kissed anyone?” Phil asks in a quieter voice, but he doesn’t sound surprised. Or humoured. Or any other emotion Dan had feared. Just… curious. “Like, at all?”

Dan gulps, the beer a sour swirl in the pit of his stomach. Maybe the sixth bottle was a mistake.

“Well there’s no point denying it now, is there?” Dan finally mumbles, his eyes fixed on a dent in the concrete not far from where they’re sitting. “No. I haven’t.”

The gentle thrum of city engines fills the silence between them, and the three seconds Phil doesn’t say anything for might as well have been days.

“Yep,” Dan breaks the quietness once it borders on unbearable. “There you go. You think I’m a fucking weirdo now, don’t you?”

“Not at all,” Phil replies, and his voice is unusually calm. Dan looks up, his eyes meeting a soft expression, and for some reason he really didn’t expect Phil to react like this.

“So-“ Dan shakes his head. “What? You’re not gonna take the piss? Laugh at me? Say I’m a fucking weirdo that only lied to you to try and look cool?”

The truth scratches his heart, but it needs to be said.

“Why the fuck would I laugh at you?” Phil frowns, and there’s something about the sincerity in his voice that, beneath the turmoil, Dan finds weirdly comforting.

“I mean,” Phil begins. “I’m surprised, don’t get me wrong. Only because you’re an actor and- well, let’s face it, you’re fucking gorgeous too, but-“ he shakes his head. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m the first to say I’d much rather make sure my first kiss means something. If anything, I agree with you on that.”

“You’re not pissed off that I lied to you?” Dan gulps down another mouthful of lukewarm alcohol.

“Of course not, you twat,” Phil says. “I mean, I get why you did, but there was no need to. Really.”

“I know,” Dan sighs, picking at the label on his glass bottle until the paper frays at the edges.

“Wanna know something?” Phil says, his eyes not moving from the soft sweep of stars above them, dimmed by the early morning light.

Dan takes his eyes away from the sky. “What?”

“If you’re a liar, then so am I,” Phil tells the stars.

Dan frowns. “You what?”

Phil’s eyes flick back down to earth, meeting Dan’s gaze. “I lied too.”

Dan gulps, his heart thudding. “About what?”

Phil forces a chuckle, but it’s drained of humour. “Do I have to spell it out to you? I haven’t kissed anyone either.”

The words ring in Dan’s ears moments after, Phil’s voice an echo above the roar of the city below.

“Wait-…” is the only word that passes Dan’s lips in the next passing minute or so. “But-…”

“Yeah,” Phil shrugs. “Turns out you’re not the only one, are you?”

“But-…” Dan shakes his head. “Why did you lie about it too?”

Phil just shrugs and says, “same reasons you did.”

Dan tries, he really tries, to comb through the tangle of confusion in his mind right now, but the best response he can come up with after a moment or two of silence isn’t the most articulate.

“Shit.”

“Yeah,” Phil agrees, and they descend into quietness again.

“Shame, isn’t it?” Phil is the first to break the silence. “That we feel the need to lie about that.”

“It’s society’s fault for making us feel as if being over the age of about fifteen without having shoved a tongue down anyone’s throat is a failure.”

Phil grimaces. “I’ve never understood the attraction of that, you know. Like, I get making out and stuff, but why would you want to literally devour the person next to you? When I saw kissing scenes as a kid I thought they were actually trying to eat each other.”

“I know,” Dan takes a sip of beer, the alcohol slipping down with a little more ease now. “It sounds grim. I don’t know how people do it. At least with acting on stage you don’t have that problem.”

“True,” Phil mirrors his actions, pulling his drink away from his lips and tracing the rim of the bottle with the tip of his thumb, staring down the tube-shaped glass into the remains of the flat beer, swimming lukewarm and flat at the bottom of the bottle. Only when he glances up a few seconds later does Dan realise he’s been staring.

Dan smirks.

“What are you grinning at?”

“Just-…” he shakes his head and shit, he’s definitely had enough to drink tonight. He can feel the alcohol-induced honesty begin leaking through his parted lips and he knows he’ll probably end up saying something he’ll regret tomorrow morning but- oh, fuck it. “The thought of you having never kissed anyone. It just- doesn’t make sense to me like- look at you. How?”

He’s not really sure where the line between a compliment and a very sorry attempt at flirting is drawn but he’s pretty sure he’s fallen somewhere in the middle.

Phil’s gaze lingers a few seconds too long. “I could ask you the same thing. I mean- come on, look at you. A guy like you must have been drowned in opportunities.”

They’re both a bit too drunk, a bit too cold and there’s something about the atmosphere of an empty car park at fuck-knows-o’clock that warps reality just a little. Dan blinks and the city lights don’t unblur and he feels a bit like he’s in a dream.

“Yeah, I-…” he shrugs. “I’ve had my fair share of offers, I won’t lie.”

“I’ll bet,” Phil interjects, and Dan rolls his eyes.

“Oh, don’t act like you haven’t either,” Dan rolls his eyes, but he’s smirking. “I just-… yeah, I dunno. I didn’t really wanna waste it, but I never really found someone I liked enough.”

“That’s nice, that is,” Phil says, and though Dan scours his tone of voice for a trace of sarcasm or mockery, but Phil’s eyes glitter earnestly. “No, like, really. Most teenagers just, you know, dive straight into it. Slam their face against anything with a pulse that crosses their path. But the fact you care enough to wait,” he glances up, eyeing the boy beside him carefully. “That’s rare. Kinda admirable in a way.”

“Were you the same, then?”

Phil nods without any hesitation. “A hundred percent.”

Dan nods understandingly, taking another sip of beer, and the two of them watch the town sleep for a quiet moment before Phil speaks up again.

“Oh, come here,” he stretches out his arms. “You look like you’re seconds away from hypothermia, for Christ’s sake.”

Dan leans into his chest, closing his eyes and snuggling into the Topman denim of Phil’s jacket. “I don’t really think a car park roof is the most suitable drinking spot,” he mumbles, his speech slightly obscured by his rattling jaw.

“Not at five a.m. in December at least,” Phil says. “It’s a lot nicer in summer, I promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Dan says, and the indirect promise that they’ll come out here and do this again makes Phil smile.

It’s quiet, serene and blue, and Dan loses count of the minutes that drip by until he hears Phil’s voice again, shattering his trance dancing on the fragile edge of drunken consciousness.

“Dan?” it’s only a half-whisper, but it still makes him jump.

The younger boy turns his head, his brown hair tousling against Phil’s denim chest until they’re eye-to-eye.

Phil lowers his gaze, but this time his eyes don’t flicker back up to Dan’s. Dan parts his mouth in response, but before he can say anything, there’s a surge forward and a soft pair of lips on his.

A jolt of adrenaline, shock, and a general ‘holy-fucking-shit-this-can’t-be-happening’ feeling shimmers through his body as he kisses back, and despite his embarrassing inexperience when it comes to anything remotely romantic, his lips move perfectly in time with Phil’s, their mouths melting together in flawless harmony.

Phil’s the one to break away, and Dan misses his lips the second the cold morning air touches his mouth. He frowns, studying Phil’s expression half-hidden by his mop of black hair, but the older boy refuses eye contact.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came ov-“

“Don’t apologise,” Dan cuts him off immediately, his hand hovering over Phil’s arm in quiet protest. “Just-…” he gulps. “Do it again,”

Phil’s head snaps up, his eyes boring into the brown stare in mild confusion.

“Please,” Dan mouths, and Phil doesn’t need to be told twice.

They kiss for longer, deeper, slightly parted lips and slow breathing and the teal glow of 5am light and shit, this was certainly worth a seventeen year wait. Phil’s lips feel like warmth and taste like tobacco and he feels a gentle comb of shy fingertips through his hair and yep, he can definitely see what all the fuss is about now.

When they break apart for the second time, all blushes and broken breaths, they’re both grinning. Phil drops his gaze with a bashful chuckle.

“Well,” Dan breathes. He’s still sitting close, their upper arms touching but neither of them really wanting to move away.

“Well,” Phil says, almost in agreement. They’re bathed in silence once again, but this time it’s comfortable.

“I’m not gonna lie,” Dan begins, looking out over the city. “That was definitely worth the wait.”

Phil tilts his head down, their noses almost touching. “Yeah?”

“For sure,” Dan cranes his neck up a little and pecks Phil’s lips again. The other boy grins, pulling his jacket further over Dan’s shoulders.

“We’ll have to do this again sometime then, won’t we?” Phil’s eyes glitter.

Dan grins, glancing at the view spread in front of them. The sun is beginning to awaken and there are fewer streetlights illuminating the land below and it’s cold and wow, they should really think about heading home soon. Dan hasn’t checked his phone in hours and he’s sure it can’t be running on anything much more than a measly four percent.

“Definitely,” he says, then hesitates. “Although, well.”

“Well what?”

Dan flicks his eyes up at the boy above him, tired brown against weary blue.

“Perhaps next time we should choose somewhere a little warmer than a car park,” he says in a soft voice, before adding, “I can barely feel my arse right now.”

Phil bursts out laughing, and then a pair of lips are on his for the third time.

-

The next couple of weeks rush by in a flurry of rehearsals, meetings, crumpled scripts and weird costumes that itch around the collar. Dan and Phil spend most of their time three storeys apart, meaning secret rendezvous up in the control room or down in the trap room are often necessary. The closer the big day creeps, the hotter the atmosphere becomes with stress, so it’s nice to leave the tension with the stage and the equally tense co-workers and escape for a bit.

“For fear of that, I still will stay with thee, and never from this palace of dim night depart aga- oh for fuck’s sake, you’re not even listening.”

Phil looks up from his phone, a giggling smirk still lingering on his face. “Huh?”

“Come on, Phil. You said you’d go through this with me and you’re sat there playing around with bloody Snapchat filters.”

“Sorry, sorry – I am listening, it’s just-“ his eyes flicker back down to the screen in front of him. “That’s hideous. Who even makes these filters? I look like a toe.”

“Can unflattering photos of you not wait five minutes until I’ve finished this? We’re literally nearly done anyway. We only have, like, one more paragraph to g-” Phil interrupts him by flipping the phone around to face the other boy. A bald, rather unsightly version of Phil with weird eyes stares back. Dan’s eyes widen in horror. “Fuck, that really is hideous.”

“I know,” Phil shudders. “I didn’t even know my face could do that,” he glances back at the screen and pulls a couple of experimental faces. “Would you still be with me if I looked like that?”

“Nope,” Dan replies semi-seriously, rolling his eyes when Phil pouts.

“What about if I looked like this?” Phil turns the phone around. He looks a lot better this time, but a little bit too much like an animal. Dan’s never really understood the national attraction towards ‘dog filters’.

“Probably. The ears might get in the way a bit, though,” he chuckles, before urging, “now come on. We haven’t got long left now.”

Phil agrees, albeit reluctantly. He swings his legs off the table, grabs Dan’s battered highlighted mess of a script sitting in front of him and they pick up from where they left off, something about ‘worms that are thy chamber maids’, ‘everlasting rest’ and ‘inauspicious stars’ (whatever the fuck that adjective means). They last a grand total of fifteen seconds before Dan’s voice is interrupted by a shriek of laughter.

“Oh, fucking hell that’s bad!” Phil cackles. Dan groans, wondering for a fleeting second where the best place to launch Phil’s phone might be.

“That’s it,” he loses it, suddenly leaping across the table and swiping the irritating rectangle of interest straight from Phil’s hand. His smile vanishes in seconds.

“Aw, what?!”

“You have five seconds to put this stupid fucking thing away, or else it’s going out there,” he points to the window behind them. Phil follows his gaze, his eyes widening. They can see the majority of the town from up here. That’s a long drop.

He turns his head back around. They’re nose-to-nose, eye-to-eye.

“Fine,” Phil smiles, the tips of their noses brushing together. “But just so you know, seeing you angry just makes me want to kiss you more.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but he can’t hide his smirk. “Are you still gonna want to kiss me when your phone ends up on the ground?”

“What do you mean ‘when’? I’ve put it away now,” he points to the bulge in his back pocket.

Dan fixes him with a glare.

“Come on,” Phil leans forward as Dan leans back. “Just one?” he pleads, his eyes big and blue.

He shakes his head and pulls away, a grin curling at his lips. His eyes flicker back to Phil, a brown gaze that lingers too long.

“Afterwards,” he says in a voice like velvet.

Phil rolls his eyes, flopping back onto the chair. “Fine. Bloody hell, it’s like being back at school.”

Dan pretends not to hear that last comment. “Come on, we’ll take it from “world-wearied flesh…”

Phil’s phone doesn’t move once from his pocket after that. The promise of Dan’s lips after rehearsal is more tempting than any filter some dumb app has to offer.

-

“How do I look?”

Phil eyes him up and down, a smirk playing at his lips. “Hot.”

The comment receives a soft punch to his upper arm.

“Behave,” Dan turns back to the mirror, twining a lock of perfectly sprayed hair that he was specifically instructed not to touch around his fingers. “Are you sure? I feel like I look like a-“

He’s interrupted by a pair of soft lips for a few seconds.

“That’s really not helping the nerves,” Dan breathes once they break away.

Phil grins. “You look fine. You know you do. Now quit playing with your hair before Alexa sees.”

Dan doesn’t think Alexa, the make-up artist, is capable of seeing anything that isn’t within a thirty-centimetre radius of her own face right now. She’s been hurrying around backstage all evening; powdering this, curling that, flitting from actor-to-actor so quickly it makes Dan out of breath to even watch her. She certainly hasn’t done a bad job though, he thinks, as he inspects his reflection. A slightly dishevelled, 15th-century version of himself stares back, all weird leather and burgundy velvet and wow, perhaps he should sport an Elizabethan tunic more often.

“Suits you,” Phil smiles as if he’d read his mind. Dan adjusts the collar accordingly.

“D’you reckon?”  

“Yeah,” Phil eyes him up and down again. “Most people here kinda look like twats in their costume, but you really actually pull that off.”

“Um- thanks? I think?” Dan smirks, frowning at his reflection. He doesn’t mention it has anything to do with his long-standing ability to morph into literally anyone he likes (he’d often been described by many make-up artists as having a “chameleon face” which he hopes is a reference to his adaptability to blend into multiple characters as opposed to resembling a lizard), and instead accepts the ever-so-slightly backhanded compliment.

“What are you doing down here?” someone with an updo the size of Jupiter asks Phil, sauntering past in something that really rather resembles a cupcake. Phil was right, Dan thinks. They do look a bit ridiculous. “They need you upstairs in five minutes.”

“Oh shit,” Phil glances at his watch. “Okay. Gotta go before Nick kills me.”

“Alright,” Dan smiles, pulling him in for a quick hug.

“Good luck,” he whispers into his shoulder. “You’ll fucking kill it.”

Dan tightens his grip around his arms. “Thank you.”

The word has multiple other meanings, and judging by the glitter in Phil’s eye when he pulls away, he thinks he understands every single one.

-

That night, Dan lavishes in warm spotlights and painted wooden sets resembling palaces and balconies, and he feels alive.

That night, the finest Elizabethan literature spills from his lips, flowing as easily as water, his voice shaping every monologue, soliloquy and duologue perfectly.

That night, there are another pair of lips on his; only this time painted red and totally professional. It feels strange, alien, and not a single trace of the spark in his heart that Phil’s lips ignite can be found, but it’s work. It’s courage.

And that night, someone up in the control booth watches through the pane of glass over all the light boards and buttons and wires, and smiles.

As if it’s been almost a year since my last oneshot??? Wtf this must CHANGE I’m getting back into writing (properly this time I swear) so there’s a lot more where this came from. Feedback is always appreciated whether it be good or bad so pls let me know how you found this! Feels so good to be doing this again u have nooo idea holy shit <3

[doomedhowell]

Fell In Love With You From The First Note

Summary: Phil has always been entranced by the piano covers uploaded by howell music on YouTube, it was a daily routine of his to play covers of his favorite ghibli songs while getting ready in the morning. Imagine his shock when he finds the pianist sat in next to him in his English Class…

Genre: AU, Fluff

Word Count: 5,652

This is my fic for the second @phandomreversebang! I’m so excited to post this, and had so much fun writing this fic. I hope you guys enjoy it :)

[link to art]

Thanks so much to the lovely @shibehxwell for being my beta!

Phil groans as the sound of his alarm clock goes off, meaning that he has to get up for school. He hates Mondays more than anything. He hates having to go to school after a relaxing weekend doing nothing. Most teenagers spend the weekend hanging out with friends, and partying, but not Phil. Partying doesn’t interest Phil. He prefers to stay inside and doodle in his notebook, or watch his favorite animes. Or, both.

Now, he has to go back to doing boring school work and tests.

Although, if there is one thing that Phil loves about going to school, it’s the fact that he gets to spend time reading and painting. He’s been taking art classes throughout high school, and absolutely loves painting. He’s a bit of an art nerd and often gets called ‘Nerd’ at school by kids who are more popular than him. Luckily, little things like that didn’t really bother Phil. There’s much worse insults they could use anyway.

Phil laid in bed for a few moments, allowing himself to wake up, before finally getting himself out of bed.

Phil walked over to his dresser, then pulls out a new outfit. He decides to go with an anime shirt as he’s obsessed with all things anime and constantly watching anime has pretty much ruined his social life. Phil then places his phone on his dresser and he goes straight to his favorite youtube channel, ‘howell music’. Phil absolutely loves listening to classical music while he gets ready for school in the morning, especially Daniel Howell, his favorite musician.

Phil likes a lot of musicians, but Daniel Howell is different. Phil fell in love with him the second he heard him playing the piano and singing. He even feels like he and Daniel would get along great if they met. They have the same music taste, and they seem to like a lot of same TV shows as well. Phil knows that Daniel loves anime, which is always a bonus in his books. Or maybe that was his inner fanboy speaking.

Phil chooses one of Daniel’s Ghibli piano covers and starts smiling as soon as the song plays. He loves Studio Ghibli, and it just so happens that the music playing is matching his shirt.

Phil relaxes instantly and continues getting ready for school

Ten minutes later, Phil is dressed and ready to go. Before he leaves his room, he turns off the music on his phone and places his phone in his pocket. He then grabs a Granola bar from the kitchen and quickly says a goodbye to his mom before heading out of the house. Luckily, the school is only about five minutes away from his house, allowing him to walk to school instead of riding the bus. Phil finds that riding the bus is awful because it’s smelly and overcrowded, and the other kids are overall horrible to sit with.

After getting to school on time, Phil heads to his locker and grabs books he needs for his first couple of morning classes. before shutting his locker and heading towards his first class, English.

“Good morning,Mrs. White,” Phil greets when he makes it to the classroom.

“Oh, good morning Phil,” the teacher replies with a tired smile on her face.

Phil kindly returns the smile and then he quietly makes his way over to his desk, placing his books down on the desk. Of course, Phil is usually always the first student to be in the classroom. He likes to be the first student in the classroom simple because he doesn’t have to deal with the chaos in the hallway.

Phil sits down and pulls out his notebook to doodle in until class starts.

“Um, excuse me?”

Phil looks up when he hears the quiet yet strangely familiar voice, and he instantly drops his pencil down on his desk as soon as he sees who it is. Daniel Howell, but more famously known as howell music on YouTube. It almost doesn’t seem real to Phil, that the boy that he’s idolized for years is now standing right in front of him. It’s taking everything in Phil not to jump up from his seat and fanboy.

“Ah, hello. You must be the new student. Lovely to meet you. I’m Mrs. White,” the teacher greets, reaching over to shake his hand in a friendly manner, sensing Daniel’s nervousness

“H-Hi,” Daniel replies shyly, looking down as his cheeks turn bright pink.

Oh my God, he’s so cute, Phil thinks to himself as his heart flutters. He can’t believe his idol is going to his school now. He knew Daniel has been tweeting about moving on his twitter the past few days, but Phil didn’t think that he was actually moving to his town in California. Daniel moved from London. It’s quite far away, so Phil wonders why on Earth Daniel’s family decided to move here so suddenly.

There were so many questions swirling around in Phil’s head right now.

Mrs. White reaches down and pulls a book out of her desk drawer. “Here is the book you’ll be needing. I’m sure you’ll be caught up in no time,” Mrs. White says.

“O-Okay,” Dan mumbles, taking the book from her. “Um, wh-where do I sit?”

“Hm,” Mrs. White pulls out the seating chart quickly and glances up for a second before smiling. “Ah, yes. You can have a seat next to Phil there. If you have anymore questions, don’t hesitate to ask, okay?”

Dan slowly nods, then he turns around and starts walking towards Phil.

Phil’s breathing starts picking up again as he stares at Daniel. He doesn’t want to come off as a creep, but, it’s not his fault. He’s been listening to Daniel’s music for years now, and watching all of his videos. He never thought that he would meet him as they lived in different countries, but now they go to the same school together. There’s a chance that they could even be friends with each other. That’s what Phil hopes, at least. Well, as long as the other students in school don’t get to Dan first.

Dan walks over to the chair beside him and he sits down, setting his book down on the desk.

Phil nervously pushes himself up in his chair, and looks over at Daniel, quickly fixing his fringe first, wanting to impress Daniel in whatever way he can. “Hi. Um, you’re… you’re Daniel Howell?” Phil’s really not normally one to talk to someone that he doesn’t know, but this is Daniel Howell. This could be the only chance he gets to talk to Daniel, so of course, Phil’s going to at least try to talk to him.

Even if Daniel rejects him and never speaks to him, at least Phil can say he tried.

Daniel blinks a few times as he looks over at Phil, surprised that someone knows him. “How did you…?”

“I know you from your YouTube channel,” Phil replies quickly. “Like, I was literally listening to your music this morning when I was getting ready for school. Actually, I listen to your music every morning, and... every day. You’re really good. I’m sorry. I can’t believe you’re actually here.” He chuckles nervously.

Daniel stares at Phil with wide eyes as he silently listens to him. “Oh, u-um, thank you,” he mumbles, nervously fiddling with the end of his sleeve. He didn’t think one of his subscribers would go to this school. Daniel has been hoping that he could get a fresh start at this new school, and be a normal kid for once.

“Sorry for talking so much. I ramble when I get nervous,” Phil apologizes quickly. Making a fool of himself in front of Daniel Howell is the last thing that he wants to do, honestly. However, he knows that it’s probably going to happen anyways, with how awkward he is around other people.

“Th-That’s okay. Sorry if I seem rude. I’m just… shy. I appreciate that you like my music, really… it means a lot to me that you enjoy my music,” Dan says quietly, his cheeks turning an even darker shade of pink..

“You? Daniel Howell? Shy? That’s-That’s actually pretty surprising to hear,” Phil watches Daniel’s YouTube videos all the time. Daniel seems like such a talkative person, always interacting with his viewers. He never would have thought of Daniel being shy outside of YouTube.

“Actually, I’m going by Dan now. At least, while I’m at school. I want to be a normal kid,” ‘Dan says.

“Oh,” Phil blinks a few times. “Oh, okay. I’ll try to remember that next time.” He shoots Dan a smile, though their conversation is cut short when more students start piling into the classroom..

Phil sees Dan throughout the rest of the school day after their first encounter in English class. He so desperately wants to talk to him again and try to befriend him, but he doesn’t want to bother or annoy Daniel - or Dan, as he’s now going by. Besides, Dan seems shyer than what Phil has seen him as.

Phil supposes being the new student in the middle of a school year is a bit nerve wracking.

During lunch, Phil notices Dan sitting by himself at a table. No one else seems to be recognizing him from his fairly popular YouTube channel. It confuses him, but, it might be because Dan is a British Youtuber, so Dan maybe isn’t as popular in America. Not that he’s complaining about it or anything. He always hates being recognized in school. It makes things so much more awkward and weird for him.

Phil takes a deep breath before nervously heading over towards Dan.

“Hi,” Phil greets, trying to sound less nervous but failing to do so. “I’m Phil. We have English together…”

Dan blinks a few times as he looks up, and then he sits up when he recognizes Phil. “Oh, hey…”

“Do you mind if I sit with you?” Phil asks, a hint of hope in his voice,.

“Not at all,” Dan replies, moving his chair over so Phil can sit next to him.

“Thanks,” Phil smiles and places his books on the table, and then sits down in the chair beside Dan. “So, how are you liking the school so far?” He looks over at Dan.

Dan shrugs his shoulders. “It’s been alright. Way different from what I’m used to back in England though,”

“I can imagine,” Phil smiles. “California is nice, you’ll like it once you get used to it. I’ve never been to England before but I’d bet it’s much more different than California.”

Dan smiles as he looks up at Phil, nodding. “Yeah. It is different, from what I’ve seen so far at least,”

The rest of lunch, Dan sits and listens to Phil as he talks and tells him all about California and the school. Phil doesn’t seem to mind Dan isn’t talking much, which is good because he’s quite shy around new people. But, Phil seems easy to talk to. Mostly because he’s a fan of his cover music.

Dan is pretty happy with how his first day of school goes. It was exciting as any first day of school could go, as he mostly just spent his day getting supplies from his teachers and catching up on everything that he’s missed. It’s weird for him, moving from a British school to an American school. They’re teaching different things, but he’s willing to try and learn new things. He talked to someone, so his mom will be happy about that. She wants him to really focus on meeting new people and trying to socialize more.

“I’m home!” Dan shouts as he walks through the door, sighing as he drops his book bag on the floor.

“Hi sweetie.”

Dan looks up and smiles when he sees his mom walking out of the kitchen. “Dad not home?”

“He’s still at work. It’ll be a late night for him,” his mom replies. “How was your first day of school?”

Dan shrugs. “It was alright,” he mumbles. “Went as well as it could. Nothing too exciting happened.”

“Nobody gave you a hard time? Did anyone recognize you?” His mom asks, concerned.

“Only one person did, he was actually a viewer. He’s really nice. I think he could even possibly be a potential friend. But, I’m not getting my hopes up yet. It’s still only the first day.” Dan tells her.

“Well, alright. As long as everything went okay. Dinner will be ready soon,”

“Okay. Thanks, mum,” Dan says quietly before heading up the stairs to his bedroom. Once finally there, he flops down on his bed. He sighs softly as he stares at the ceiling.

It seems rather odd to Dan, that he just met that boy Phil, and he already can’t stop thinking about him. Phil seems a bit awkward, but also confident in who he is. He seems different from the other students, which Dan likes. Phil’s not trying to fit in with the popular crowd.

Dan isn’t surprised that he’s greeted by Phil the next morning when he makes it to English class. Apparently Phil is always the first one in the classroom before anyone else.

“Hi,” Dan greets shyly before walking over to his seat. He looks over towards Phil and notices Phil has a notebook out and is doodling in it. It looks like he’s doodling a character from an anime, he can’t tell. Dan hasn’t met anyone who’s obsessed with anime like him so it would be a bonus if Phil loves anime too.

“Do you like it?” Phil asks, holding up his drawing when he sees Dan looking at it.

Dan blinks a few times as he looks up at Phil. “Y-Yeah. It’s really good. Is that…?”

“Yuri On Ice,” Phil confirms with a nod. “It’s one of my favorite animes. Do you like anime too?”

Dan slowly nods in response. “Yeah. I-I do like anime.” He can’t help the smile forming on his face, because he’s finally found someone who likes anime as much as him.

“Cool! Glad to see there’s another anime nerd at this school other than me,” Phil says. “But, of course, you like anime too. How could I forget? Your Ghibli covers are amazing.”

Dan blushes at Phil’s compliment. “Thanks,” he mumbles, looking down at his hands.

Dan could definitely see himself hanging out with Phil more in the future. Phil is pretty easy to talk to, and they already have a lot in common with each other, as far as Dan could tell.

The next few weeks pretty much went the same. Dan and Phil would say hi to each other in English class, then they eat lunch together. They constantly talk about their favorite bands and anime. They both seem to share a love for the band Muse and other bands like Fall Out boy and My Chemical Romance. They also love fanboying about animes like Studio Ghibli and Yuri On Ice.

Dan doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s slowly falling for Phil Lester, and it’s only been a few weeks.

Dan always knew that he was gay ever since he was a little boy. His parents knew this as well, and were supportive of him, although his dad is still a bit iffy on the subject whenever it’s brought up. Dan had his first crush when he was just a little boy but nothing ever came of it, unfortunately for Dan. Dan’s never actually gone on a date with a boy before, he’s never been kissed by a boy either.

What if Phil doesn’t like him back? Dan doesn’t want to lose the friendship they’ve started.

Little does Dan know, Phil does like him back. Of course he does. Phil’s had the biggest crush on him ever since he found him on YouTube. He always thought Dan was so cute and adorable. Phil never thought that he would actually meet Dan, and now they’re best friends with each other.

“So, I go up… and just… ask him?” Phil asks with a slight frown, looking up at Louise. Phil isn’t the most popular boy in school, but he does have a few friends that he hangs out with every once in awhile. Louise is probably the closest friend he has, besides Dan of course. She always knows what to say to him and gives him advice whenever he’s having trouble, whether it be boys or school in general.

“Well, how else would you do it?” Louise asks quietly, raising her eyebrows at Phil. They’re currently sitting in the library, working on their English project. Dan is sitting at one of the computers so Phil’s sitting with Louise at a table. “Ask him if he wants to hang out with you.”

“That seems so forward though. I don’t want to scare him away, you know?” Phil sighs softly.

“You won’t,” Louise assures him. “I can tell Dan really likes you. He’s just super shy.”

“You think Dan likes me?” Phil asks, a blush creeping upon his cheeks. “I don’t… no way he does.”

“Phil, trust me. Dan definitely likes you. He blushes every time you smile at him. It’s super cute actually. And, he gets these heart eyes whenever he’s staring at you. I watch him, believe me.”

“I can’t believe I never noticed that,”

“Lester! Pentland! Shh,”

Phil looks over at the librarian and gives her an apologetic look, then he glances over and blushes when he sees Dan looking at him. Phil looks over at Louise, who’s only smirking at him.

“See? Total fondness,” she tells him quietly. “He’s got heart eyes for days.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Okay, okay, okay. I’ll talk to him at lunch.”

When lunch rolls around, Phil finds himself getting more nervous about asking Dan to hang out with him. It’s technically a date, but Phil worries if he uses the word ‘date’ then he’ll scare Dan away from him, and that’s something he definitely doesn’t want to do, because he values his friendship with Dan too much.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil greets as he walks up to him at lunch, sitting at their usual table.

Dan looks up at Phil and smiles. “Hey,” he replies. “So, what were you and Louise talking about earlier?”

“What do you mean?” Phil asks as he sits down in a chair, placing his books aside.

“When the librarian yelled at you.” Dan raises his eyebrows. “Were you guys gossiping about something?”

Phil chuckles and shakes his head. “No, silly. We weren’t gossiping,” he says. “I mean, kind of… in a way. We were actually talking about you.” He looks over at Dan, and feels his nerves coming back to him.

“Me? Oh no, your disowning me as a friend, aren’t you? I knew this day was coming...”

Phil laughs and shakes his head. “No! I’m not disowning you as a friend. Quite the opposite,” he says. “I...I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later today. Like, you know, after school…?”

“Uhm, you mean… like, a-a date?” Dan asks nervously.

Phil blushes. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be. It can be if you want it to be a date.”

Dan’s silent for a moment before a smile forms on his face. “Yeah. Yeah, I would like to hang out with you. Where would we go to? Did you already have any ideas” He looks up at Phil curiously.

“Well, um, I was thinkin’... maybe we could go to the arcade for a little bit before going to see a movie?” Phil suggests. “Unless you have something else in mind, then that’s totally fine with me.”

Dan shakes his head. “That sounds great, actually. I’ve been wanting to see that Love, Simon movie… so, this would be a perfect time to see it. Mum’s been too busy with the move to take me to see it.”

“Wait, me too! I heard that it’s been getting really great reviews.”

“Well, duh. It’s a movie about a gay teen. Of course people are going to be raving about it,” Dan says. “So, will you pick me up at my house after school? I’ll have to make sure it’s okay with my mum.”

“Okay. Text me and let me know what she says.”

“I will,” Dan replies with a nod and smile, then begins eating his lunch.

All Dan can think about for the rest of the day is how he’s going to be hanging out with Phil tonight, possibly as a date. They haven’t really hung out outside of school yet. This is still pretty new, and Dan’s still pretty shy even around Phil. But, he wants to try to start being more social with others.

Dan used to get bullied at his old school back in England. People teased him for being gay and “too posh” and other silly things like that. Dan is an easy target for the school bullies, causing him to be shy and scared of talking with other people. Getting bullied was the main reason why his parents decided to move. Dan’s dad had also been offered a job in America, so it was an easy decision to move.

Of course, Dan’s mom was ecstatic when she heard that Phil asked Dan to hang out with him.

“Don’t forget about your curfew, Daniel. You’ll be grounded if you come home past 11,” his mom warns.

Dan rolls his eyes. “I know, mum. I’ll be home on time. I have to go. Phil’s waiting for me,” he says, before opening the door and walking out of the house. He looks up and smiles when he sees Phil waiting for him in the driveway. “Hear that? I have to be home before 11 or else I’m grounded.”

Phil chuckles and nods. “I’ll try to remember that. You ready to go, then?”

“Mhm. Mum gave me money for the movies,” Dan says as he and Phil both get into the car.

“And my dad gave me money for the arcade, so we should be set.” Phil smiles as he looks over at Dan.

Phil drives them to the arcade, as he’s the only one of the two who can drive. They get their coins, and after looking around at all the games, they decide to play air hockey.

“You’re going down, Howell.” He places the puck on the table, looking up at Dan with a smirk on his face. “I’m a pro at Air Hockey. Never lost a game to anyone.”

“Pfft. Whatever, mate. You’re the one who’s going to go down, Lester,” Dan replies.

“Have you even played Air Hockey before?”

“No, it’s not really something us Brits are into across seas. At least, my family never played it much. But, it’s not that hard. All you gotta do is hit that puck into the opponents hole, right?”

Phil can’t help but laugh. “Right. That’s pretty much the game,” he says. “Still, you’re going down.”

Dan grins at Phil, and then shakes his head. He reaches over and grabs his mallet. “Ready?”

“More than,” Phil replies with a small smirk playing on his lips. “Bring it on, Howell.”

Dan doesn’t hesitate, he reaches over and smacks the puck straight into Phil’s hole. He grins proudly, and giggles when he sees the look on Phil’s face. “How was that?”

“What the hell, Dan?” Phil asks with shock, before reaching in and then grabbing the puck out of the hole. “I thought you said you never played this game before. Sure doesn’t seem like you haven’t.”

“I haven’t. I’m just really competitive is all,” Dan replies honestly. “Should I go easier on you?”

Phil glares at Dan playfully. “Shut up. I’m not giving up that easily,”

Dan giggles. “Let’s make this more interesting, then. Loser pays for the movie tickets?” He suggests.

“Sounds fair to me,” Phil agrees with a nod. “The only loser around here is going to be you though.”

Dan rolls his eyes, though he can’t help the smile on his face.

In the end, Phil beats Dan at Air Hockey meaning that Dan has to pay their movie tickets, but he honestly doesn’t mind. The tickets were quite cheap anyways.

“Do you think the movie will be any good?” Phil asks, as they wait for the movie to start.

“Absolutely. I’ve been waiting for a movie like this to come out for… ages. Literally. Things are changing. Things are going to be better for people like us, you know?” Dan looks over at Phil.

Phil smiles and he nods. “I feel the exact same way,” he says, before leaning back in his chair and relaxing. He glances down and he sees that his and Dan’s fingers are almost touching each other, and it’s taking everything in Phil not to reach over and grab Dan’s hand, but it’s still too early and he doesn’t want to scare Dan away. He’s willing to take things slow as long as it means he doesn’t lose Dan.

“I had a lot of fun,” Phil says as he and Dan walk to Phil’s car, the movie has just finished. The arcade was probably Phil’s most favorite part of the day. They managed to play a lot of games, and even made a friendly competition out of Air Hockey. The movie was great as well.

“Me too. I haven’t had that much fun in a long time.” He looks up at Phil with a smile.

“Me too. Maybe we should do that again sometime soon?” Phil suggests, leaning against his car. “I mean, if you want to. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I totally understand. I-” Phil’s cut off by Dan’s lips being pressed against Phil’s own. Phil’s eyes widen with shock at the action, and before he can even think about kissing Dan back, Dan pulls away from the kiss.

“You talk too much,” Dan whispers, a smile forming on his face. “Of course I want to do this again.”

“Daniel Howell just kissed me,” Phil whispers, his eyes still wide from the shock.

Dan giggles. “I told you, I’m going by Dan now. We’ve been hanging out for weeks. How are you still…?”

“Wait.” Phil shakes his head. “You don’t understand, Dan. You used to be my idol before we started hanging out. I mean, you still are. That hasn’t changed. But, your music has helped me through so much. It’s… still hard to believe that someone as cool as you is hanging out with someone lame like me.”

“Shut up. You’re too hard on yourself. You’re not lame,” Dan says. “You’re just… different than the others. Different is good. I’m different too. We can be different together.”

Phil can’t help but smile. “Yeah, you’re right, Dan. Let’s be different together,” he says, reaching over and grabbing Dan’s hand. “Wait… you still kissed me. Does that mean…?”

“Phil, I think you know exactly what that means.” Dan grins.

“So, technically, this was our first date, and now we’re… together?” Phil asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Mhm,” Dan nods. “If that’s what you want, I mean. I don’t want to like…”

“Shut up,” Phil laughs, gently pulling Dan in for another kiss. “And you tell me I talk too much.”

Dan pouts. “You can’t use my own words against me!”

“I just did,” Phil sticks his tongue out at Dan. “I should be getting you home, though. It’s getting late, and we don’t want you to be getting home past your curfew, do we? Plus, I don’t think that it would be a great first impression on your parents if I brought you home late on our first time hanging out outside of school.”

“Ugh, God no. Being grounded is the worst. Like, you can’t do anything or talk to anyone,”

Phil chuckles and watches as Dan gets in the car, before shutting the door. He walks around the car and gets in. He leans back and can’t help but smile. “Louise is gonna freak out when I tell her all about this.”

Dan blushes and looks down at his hands. “She’s the reason we went out tonight, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she is. I should probably thank her next time I see her,” Phil sighs softly.

The next day at school, Phil meets up with Dan at his locker so the can go to first period class together.

“Don’t you like to be the first one in class?” Dan asks, raising his eyebrows as he looks up at Phil.

“Normally, but I have a reason not to be the first one now,” Phil grins. “And, I was thinking… while I was listening to your music while getting ready for school. It’s been three months since your last cover…”

Dan groans. “Not you too. I can’t post anything online without someone reminding me!”

“Tell you what, you post a new cover within a week and I’ll be the one who pays for the next date. Literally,. I’ll pay for everything. Doesn’t matter where we go. I just need a new cover from you...”

“Oh, I see. You think you can bribe me now that we’re dating, huh?” Dan teases.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying, right? So, what do you say?” Phil asks hopefully, bouncing on his feet lightly.

Dan chuckles. “I can’t make any promises, but I will try my best. Any requests?”

“Another Ghibli cover,” Phil replies. “You know how much I love anime. I can’t get enough of it!”

Dan laughs and he rolls his eyes playfully at Phil, before reaching over and shutting the locker door. “Okay, fine then,” he says. “You’ll get your Ghibli cover by the end of the week.”

Phil squeals excitedly. “You’re the best!” He leans over and kisses Dan’s cheek.

Dan quickly glances around, making sure no one is watching them. Luckily, no one seems to care.

“Ah, so I take it the date went well, last night?”

Dan looks over and blushes as soon as he sees Louise walking up to them. He’s still extremely shy around other people, even though Phil has told him how nice and kind Louise is

“Louise, I told you I was going to talk about it later,” Phil whispers, his cheeks turning just as pink as Dan’s. “But, if you must know. Yes, it did go well. Dan and I are together now.”

Louise smiles. “I knew it! You two have been crushing on each other since Dan got her,” she says. “I knew it wouldn’t be long before you two got together. This is exciting, Phil. Your first boyfriend!”

“Lou!” Phil rolls his eyes playfully, and he already knows that Louise will be teasing him all day about having a boyfriend now. Phil reaches over and gently grabs Dan’s hand. “Come on, we gotta get to class.”

Dan smiles as he starts walking with Phil to class. “Am I really your first boyfriend?” He asks softly.

“Well, yeah,” Phil replies. “There aren’t exactly a lot of other gay guys in this school, and I don’t have many friends either.” He looks over at Dan. “What about you? Have you had a boyfriend before?”

“Not really. I mean, I have kissed a boy before. A long time ago, but… it didn’t work out, thank God, though. He was a total jerk,” Dan scoffs at the memory of his first kiss with a boy back in London.

“Well, I hope I can be better than that guy who was horrible,” Phil says as they walk into the classroom.

“So far, I’d say you’re much better than that other guy,” Dan chuckles.

“Good morning, Mrs. White!” Phil greets when he sees the teacher sitting at her desk.

“Oh, good morning, Phil. You’re not as early as you usually are,” Mrs. White says as she looks up at Phil.

“Yeah, I might be getting to class later than usual now. I told Dan I’d meet him at his locker this morning,” Phil says, he and Dan sitting down at their assigned desks.

“As long as you’re not late to class, I don’t care what you do,” Mrs. White tells him.

Phil looks over at Dan and grins at him.

Phil’s never been one to particularly enjoy school all that much. He doesn’t hate it, but he mostly just likes being able to do art at school. But now, he has more than one reason to be able to enjoy school.

The next week is pretty boring, apart from being able to hang out with Dan.

Phil sighs as he stands in front of the mirror, trying to get his hair to stay in place. Today’s Friday, and he’s looking forward to the weekend, because he and Dan have plans to hang out with Louise.

Phil looks down when he hears his phone go off suddenly, letting him know that he has a new notification. He leans forward to read the notification and he sees the notification that makes him smile so wide. He didn’t think Dan would actually upload a new cover this week, but he’s happy to see that he did.

‘howell music just posted a new video - Studio Ghibli Medley’

Phil scrolls down, and can’t help but laugh after reading the description of the video.

‘here u go phil, here’s your bloody studio ghibli cover, enjoy

ps, couldn’t decide on what song to cover so I did them all in one’

Phil reaches over and grabs his phone, sending a text to Dan.

To Dan: guess this means I owe you a date? :P

To Phil: how’s today after school sound, before Louise’s? Meet me at my locker x

Phil sets his phone down back onto the dresser, and can’t help but smile at the thought of going out with Dan for a second time tonight. He’s never wished for a school day to pass by so quickly than today.

[skiller0dani]

19 | Dan Howell

Summary: Someone bumps into Dan in front of a coffee shop, and she changes his life forever...especially when he learns she’s only 19. 

Pairing: Dan Howell x Reader 

Word Count: 4.9k

A/N: I met and Dan and Phil yesterday c: best day everrr. He put his hand on my back and he hugged me, he and Phil held their arms out to me I’ve never felt happier than when I felt Dan’s arms around me :))))) in love  btw this is something from my Wattpad, enjoy 

Masterlist

"Oh god I'm sorry!" Y/N stammered as her body collided with Dan's, his phone falling from his hand. She hadn't been paying attention, blinded by the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh fuck! I hope it's not broken!" She stammered again as she knelt to retrieve his phone from the concrete. Dan felt his throat close as a blush crawled onto his face. She handed him his phone and tried to move past him, but he caught her arm.

"Uh, you okay?" Dan asked, clearing his voice after catching the tears. She forced a smile onto her face as she reached forward to wipe her tears.

"Yep I'm great!" She said with an impossibly fake chipper tone, Dan only nodded before releasing her. He knew she was lying, but he didn't want to overstep his boundaries with a stranger. Dan held his phone in his hand as she moved into a bustling coffee shop, and dropped herself into a corner table. He wanted to move as he needed to get home, but when her shoulders started to shake with tears Dan found himself stepping inside the coffee shop. She gave him surges of newfound confidence he's never had before. He sat opposite of her, causing Y/N's head to lift from the table. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't happy to see him. Her fingers twisted around his, and her body continued to shake with tears. Dan's thumb drew circles over the back of her hand as he held her tightly. After a while she sat up, wiping her tears with her free hand.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly and Dan shook his head.

"It's okay. I don't mind." He responded softly, both of them feeling their heart jump into their throat. They were both very aware of the fact that they were still holding hands, and neither of them moved for a little while. Dan swallowed thickly as he held back his nerves when he leaned forward.

"So, I'm pretty awkward  and really bad at this, but I was wondering if I could have your number?" He said with a shaky voice and Y/N's face bloomed into a red blush. She nodded, reaching for his phone. She entered her number and slid his phone back across the table.

"I don't know your name." Y/N mused and Dan smiled, their hands still clasped together.

"Dan. It's nice to meet you Y/N." He said, looking down at his phone to get her name.

"It's nice to meet you too." She giggled.

~

Dan laid back against his bed, his laptop propped onto his lap.

"What? No way, Natsu is not gay." Dan argued smiling.

"I don't know, have you seen the way he looks at Gajeel?" She teased and Dan laughed.

"Wait hold on." She said, leaning past the view of the screen to grab her phone. She held her phone to her ear, mouthing 'landlord' to Dan.

"What?" She said with panic in her voice, and Dan's eyebrows furrowed.

"No, you said I had a month? I can't go tonight, I don't have anywhere to live yet!" Y/N said in frustration and panic. She stood up, still arguing as she disappeared from the screen. When she returned, there were tears in her eyes.

"Dan I don't know what to do." She said with an unsteady voice.

"What happened?" He asked, his heart breaking. He hated to see her cry.

"So my lease is supposed to be up in a month but the landlord changed it to literally tonight and I had no idea. I have to leave right now, and I have no where else to go." She explained and Dan thought.

"Is all your stuff packed?" He asked and she nodded, wiping away a tear.

"Yeah, I don't have much. All the furniture belongs to the landlord." She explained.

"Then just stay with me and Phil." Dan said and her eyes shot to his.

"Really?" She asked with a lump in her throat, and Dan nodded.

"Phil won't mind?" She asked and Dan shook his head.

"He loves you, he'll  be excited." Dan reassured her and she thought for a moment.

"Okay, will you..." She began but stopped, her face turning red.

"Yeah I'll come get you." Dan answered, knowing her well enough to know what she was going to ask. He stood up, ending the Skype call and calling her on his phone.

~

It was late when Dan heard a soft knocking at his door.

"Yeah?"  Dan said, and his door opened to reveal Y/N. Tears were in her eyes as she slowly stepped inside his room enough to close the door behind her.

"What's the matter?" He asked, sitting up.

"I- I had a dream about my mom. She was in the hospital room a-and-" She stammered before she burst into tears. Dan reached out his arms for her and she quickly moved into the bed and sunk into his embrace. Her face was in his neck as her hands rested on his chest. His hands rubbed up and down her back as her body shook.

"Can I stay?" She asked, looking up into his eyes, and Dan nodded instantly. They sat sitting for a while before Y/N let out a breath.

"Dan I have to tell you something." She said quietly before scooting to the edge of the bed. Dan didn't say anything as his heart started rapidly pounding.

"I didn't want to say anything earlier than now because I was afraid of ruining everything but Dan I like you so fucking much. I can't keep lying to you anymore." Y/N began and Dan couldn't stop the way his heart jumped when she said she liked him.

"What is it?" Dan asked with a soft voice, panic turning in his gut.

"I'm younger than you think I am." She started and Dan's face twisted in confusion.

"23 isn't that young Y/N-" Dan started but she cut him off.

"I'm 19." She said and Dan's throat went dry. 19?

"You're 19." Dan stated, his head spinning. He was 7 years older than her.

"You're 7 years older than me." Y/N whispered and Dan stayed silent for a moment.

"Fuck." Dan breathed, leaning back against the headboard.

"It's not that bad right? And I know you have feelings for me too." Y/N tried to reason, turning to face him.

"We can't Y/N." Dan stated and she felt her heart splinter.

"W-Why not?" She asked, her voice going dry.

"I'm 7 fucking years older than you! Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't it bother you than 9 years ago I was a minor, but you were a minor 2 years ago?" Dan snapped, his heart feeling like it's being crushed.

"No, it doesn't bother me Dan. I- I love you." She said, desperately trying to make him understand that age doesn't matter.

"Fuck Y/N! I'm going to be 30 in 3 years, and you'll be 23. Why would you want to be with someone that much fucking older than you?" He said in a strained voice.

"Because I'm in love with you, that's why! I don't care how much older you are than me, I just want to be with you." Y/N yelled, as Dan stood from the bed.

"Don't you care about me?" Y/N whispered, looking down at her hands.

"Of course I do, and that what makes it worse. I fell in love with a kid." Dan said in disbelief.

"I'm not a kid Dan! I'm almost 20!" Y/N snapped, and Dan rolled his eyes.

"And I'm almost 28! Why does that not bother you?" Dan snapped again, running his hands through his hair.

"Because I love you. Nothing else matters. Age is just a number Dan." Y/N pleaded in a calm voice, and Dan sat back onto the bed with his head in his hands. She sat down next to him, lacing their fingers together. He looked up at her, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"We can't." He whispered and Y/N yanked her hand from his.

"I love you but we can't." He said again, looking down at the ground. Dan didn't look up when he heard her start crying, and he didn't look up when she slammed his bedroom door behind her. 

Every single day felt like years. Y/N hated the fact that Dan was no longer across the hall whenever she needed him and she hated that they haven't spoken in almost 6 months. She lay on her bed staring at the ceiling, and normally on a night like this she would Skype Dan. She got so used to leaning on him whenever she needed something that she almost couldn't remember what living without him felt like. He came into her life and he held her hand when she cried, let her sleep in his room whenever she had a nightmare, and even let her move in with him and Phil, and now he's just gone. Y/N texted him more times than she could count, and left him countless voicemail's but he was gone. She curled onto her side, feeling utterly empty. He may have left, but he took her heart with him. A soft knocking on her bedroom door caused her to sit up.

"Yeah?" She answered, watching her best friend, Tiffany, walk in.

"Enough moping, you're going out with me tonight." Tiffany stated, pulling Y/N up.

"Tiff I don't feel like-" She started but Tiffany threw her a glare.

"I don't care! You are going to go out and have fun, and you're not allowed to talk about Dan. Don't even think about him." Tiffany insisted, opening Y/N's wardrobe.

"Plus he's too old for you. Find a hot, drunk 20 year old and take him home!"  Tiffany exclaimed, and Y/N rolled her eyes.

"He's not too old." Y/N murmured to herself, but Tiffany still shot her another glare. She laid back on her bed, as Tiffany rummaged through her cocktail dresses.

"I really thought he was the one Tiff." Y/N couldn't help but say and Tiffany let out a breath.

"I know sweetheart, but everything happens for a reason. Maybe he was supposed to break your heart. Maybe you'll meet 'the one' tonight. You're one heartbreak closer to happiness." Tiffany said, smiling comfortingly at Y/N. She wanted to believe Tiffany, she really did. But Y/N knew deep in her heart, that she will never love another man like she loves Dan. You only find a love like that once in a lifetime.

"This one is perfect!" Tiffany said, holding up a tight black dress. Y/N nodded, leaning up to get ready.

***

"Oh just call her." Phil said, trying to convince Dan. He didn't respond and Phil rolled his eyes, but didn't push Dan any further. Dan knew she would be better off with someone her own age, but that didn't mean that he hadn't typed and deleted texts to send her too many times. He couldn't get her off his mind, all he did was think about her.

"Did I do the right thing?" Dan asked quietly, his thumb hovering over the call button. Phil looked over at him, thinking for a moment.

"Age isn't that big of a deal. I've known people 10 years apart in age and they're happily married." Phil responded, placing his phone down. Dan chewed on his lip as he thought for a moment before he locked his phone.

"She's 19." Dan responded and Phil nodded.

"If you want to wait until she's a little older, then that's okay too. Just tell her that or she'll move on. I know you love her." Phil told him gently and Dan groaned, resting his head on the back of the couch.

"I'm scared." Dan said honestly.

"To call Y/N? Why?" Phil asked, leaning closer.

"What if she totally hates me?" Dan asked and Phil chuckled.

"She could never hate you. She'd probably be relieved to hear your voice." Phil told him and Dan thought for a moment. He let out a breath before he stood and exited the lounge, leaving his phone laying on the couch.

***

Y/N held her 4th drink in her hands, downing it after she took another shot.

"Woah, slow down!" Tiffany laughed and Y/N smiled.

"I'm going to need a lot of alcohol to forget Dan." She responded, already feeling the buzz the alcohol gave her. Tiffany took a shot, and grabbed Y/N's hands, pulling her to the dance floor. They danced together before Y/N felt hands on her hips, she tipped her head back to find a tall stranger with dark hair looking down at her. She knew it wasn't Dan, but if she closed her eyes then she could pretend it was. The man began pulling the bottom of her dress up slowly, and she would have to reach down and yank it back to her knees. She eventually pushed away from the man, who was not as gentlemanly as Dan. Y/N collapsed into a booth, her head swimming and no matter what she did, she couldn't get him off her mind. Suddenly an idea popped into her mind and she stood, swaying a bit in her drunkenness. Y/N spotted Tiffany making out with a blonde guy, so she excused herself to the bathroom and took out her phone.

To: Dan heyyy bby xx miss u lots, thinkin bout u 3nite -read at 12:45 AM.

Y/N placed her phone on the counter to splash some water on her face, when it vibrated.

From: Dan Y/N are you drunk?

To: Dan maybe. sitll wish u wree here -read at 12:50 AM.

From: Dan Where are you?

To: Dan i dunno, some club called liights or sumthin -read at 1:10 AM.

From: Dan Go out front, I'm on my way.

Y/N's heart began to race as she stared down at the text on her phone. She stumbled towards the front of the club, knowing that Tiffany probably went home with that guy. She pushed her way outside, the world beginning to spin. She leaned a hand on the brick wall when she felt her legs begin to give out.

"Y/N?" She hears a distant voice say, and when she looks to her left she sees Dan. Y/N smiled, leaning forward and connecting their lips. Dan immediately pushed her back, causing her to pout.

"I won't kiss you when you're drunk. It feels like I'm using you." Dan said, reaching out for her. Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his torso flush with hers.

"You're not using me if I want you to kiss me." She said with hooded eyes and a sultry tone.

"Oh lord." Dan breathed out, scooping her up in his arms bridal style. She rested her head against his chest, her fingers curling around the fabric of his shirt.

"You didn't straighten your hair." Y/N observed, and Dan glanced down at her as he flagged a cab.

"Yeah I've been leaving it natural lately." He spoke, carefully placing her legs down to open the door.

"I like it." She said with a smile, scooting over so Dan can sit in the cab next to her. Y/N reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, his cheeks turning pink.

"Why did you answer me tonight?" She asked with a slight slur, leaning closer to him.

"You're drunk. Anyone could take advantage of you." Dan spoke, trying to fight the urge to take her into his arms.

"The only person I want to take advantage of me, is you." Y/N flirted, pressing a kiss to his jaw. Again, Dan pushed her away from him, and Y/N sat back.

"Why did you do that?" She asked through a frown.

"Because you'll regret that you did that in the morning."  Dan told her and she scoffed.

"Unlikely." She said, resting her head against his shoulder. She felt drowsy as she took a deep breath, smelling nothing but his cologne. Y/N felt her eyes begin to droop shut until she was asleep.

***

Y/N opened her eyes, to find herself in her own bed. Her head was pounding, but her heart was pounding more. She saw Dan last night, and she doesn't remember everything but she definitely remembers that he was with her. She remembers his cologne, as her dress was covered in it. He took her home. She immediately reaches for her phone and scrolls to Dan's contact name.

To: Dan Thank you for taking me home. I'm sorry I was such a mess. -read at 9:00 AM.

Y/N hits send and she waits, with her phone in her lap. When the text said 'read', she waited for 5 minutes, then 10, and then 30. Y/N eventually threw her phone across the room, knowing he wasn't going to answer her.

He was so close, and she lost him again. She felt tears in her eyes as she stood to send him one last text, and after this he would never receive a text from her again.

To: Dan I love you. -read at 9:37 AM.

From: Dan I know

Y/N tried to move on, she went on dates and had one night stands. She dated and kissed and said 'I love you' but it was all lies. None of the other guys made her feel like she was on fire, none of the guys made her whole body tingle when they touched her. None of the other guys made her feel like she was flying, that's how she felt with Dan. She wanted to cry, she wanted to kick and scream but she felt nothing. At this point, about 8 months after Dan ripped her heart out, she knew she would never change his mind.  Y/N needed him, and she couldn't get him out of her head. Her mind, body, and soul ached for him. Y/N yanked her phone out of her pocket when it vibrated.

From: Tiff you have to check this out. Look at Dan's Instagram right now.

Y/N opened the picture on his Instagram and her heart stopped, it was a picture of Dan kissing a girl. Y/N felt tears in her eyes as she viewed the caption which read 'my love'. Y/N's chest ached as she felt sobs burning her lungs, she couldn't believe he got over her so quickly. Why was this so hard for her?  Y/N rolled onto her back, wiping her tears before reaching for her phone. She scrolled through her contacts before her eyes landed on Phil's name.

"Hi Y/N!" Phil answered in a happy tone, with Dan's head snapping towards him.

"Hey Philly, I have a random question for you." She said.

"Alright, what is it?" Phil asked, ignoring Dan's stares.

"I was wondering if me and my boyfriend could come have dinner with you? I haven't seen you in so long and plus I told him it won't work out between us if you don't like him." Y/N laughed and Phil chuckled, slowly understanding what she was trying to do. She wanted to make Dan jealous.

"Sure! How does tomorrow night sound?" Phil asked and Y/N thought for a moment.

"Works with me, we'll be there at 6." She told him and soon hung up afterwords. She stood up, moving to the living room when she heard Tiffany come in through the door.

"Tiff! Is Zach with you?" Y/N asked, coming down the stairs.

"Yeah?" Zach, their mutual friend, said confused.

"Good! I need you to be my fake boyfriend for a dinner tomorrow." Y/N said with a smile on her face.

"Are you smiling?" Tiffany asked with a genuinely surprised tone.

"Is this a dinner with Dan?" Zach asked in amusement.

"It's a dinner with Phil but Dan'll probably be there. Win-Win." Y/N joked and Zach thought.

"Do I get to kiss you?" He teased, as he totally has a crush on Tiffany.

"Maybe. We'll have to make it believable." She responded and he smiled.

"Sure, I'll be your fake boyfriend." He said and Y/n squealed in happiness, running back up the stairs.

***

Dan stared at Phil expectantly, wanting to know why the hell Y/N called him.

"Well?" He asked and Phil bit back a smile.

"Well Y/N is coming to dinner tomorrow night. With her boyfriend." Phil said and Dan nearly choked on his drink.

"Her what?" He asked, trying to hold back the frustration he was feeling.

"Her boyfriend. I told you this would happen, I knew she would move on if you didn't tell her how you feel." Phil told him, scrolling through Twitter on his phone.

"I don't feel anything for her anymore." Dan lied and Phil scoffed.

"You may be with Madison and you can lie to the world, but you can't lie to me." Phil told him, looking over at him. Dan didn't bother arguing with him because it would be pointless, Phil can see right through his lies. Phil knows him better than Dan knows himself. Dan slouched against the couch, before reaching into his pocket to call Madison.

"Hey baby!" She greeted and Dan cringed.

"Wanna come over for dinner tomorrow night?" Dan asked and again, Phil bit back a smile.

"Sure, what time?" She asked and Dan thought for a moment.

"Be here by 5:30." He told her and she agreed before hanging up. Dan stood, but Phil spoke before he could leave.

"What are you doing?" Phil asked and Dan let out a breath.

"She's not over me. I'm going to prove it." Dan snapped, moving out of the lounge and Phil chuckled. The both of them are making plans to make the other jealous and this all because Dan is scared to open up about his feelings.

***

Y/N knocked on the door, with Zach holding her hand tightly.

"You gonna be okay?" He asked and she nodded, trying to swallow her nerves.

"Thank you for doing this, I know this probably seems silly." Y/N said with a slight tremble in her voice when she heard footsteps approaching the door.

"No at all." Zach whispered as Phil pulled the door open.

"Y/N!" He said happily, engulfing her in a hug. She really has missed Phil over these last 8 months.

"This is my boyfriend, Zach." Y/N introduced and Phil shook Zach's hand.

"Nice to meet you. She's told me about you." Zach said and Phil laughed, wrapping an arm over her shoulders. Phil leads them into the dining room, where Dan and Madison sit. Dan stands as soon as he sees Y/N, with Madison standing close beside him. Dan and Y/N shoot glares at each other as she approaches him.

"Hi Dan. It's been a long time. This is my boyfriend Zach." Y/N introduced with anger in her voice. Dan held out his hand and shook Zach's stiffly, before he reached back for Madison.

"This is my girlfriend, Madison." Dan said, sending Y/N a sarcastic smile. Madison came forward and offered a hand, but Y/N reached forward and pulled her in for a hug.

"Dan has told me so much about you!"  She said, squeezing Y/N before releasing her.

"Oh he has?" Y/N asked, sending another pointed glare towards Dan.

"He says you're like his little sister!" Madison says with a smile, and Y/N felt a jab of pain in her heart. Dan feels guilt when a look of pain flashes across Y/N's face, but he doesn't say anything. She only turns, and takes Zach's hand, sitting down next to Phil. Phil glanced over at Y/N as Dan and Madison sat on the other side of the table.

"You okay?" Phil asked Y/N softly, and she nodded with a forced smile. They began eating with an awkward silence, and Y/N eventually pushed up from the table.

"I need to use the restroom, excuse me." She said, when Madison planted a kiss on Dan's cheek. She turned and quickly making a beeline for the bedrooms, immediately going to the room she felt the most at home in, Dan's room. Dan stood up from the table after seeing tears in Y/N's eyes, ignoring questions from Madison. Dan already knew where she went, and he opened the door to his room to find Y/N sitting on the bed.

"God what do you want?" She asked, with tears down her cheeks.

"You're crying." Dan stated, his heart breaking.

"Yeah, thanks for noticing." Y/N snapped sarcastically.

"Why?" He asked, taking a tentative step towards her, after shutting the door.

"Because you're here with Madison!" Y/N yelled, not caring if everyone else heard her.

"Well you're here with Zach!" Dan snapped, feeling jealousy rise in his chest.

"So what? You've moved on, why do you care?" Y/N yelled, wiping her tears.

"I don't care. And don't pretend you haven't moved on. I saw you with him." Dan yelled back.

"I only brought Zach to make you jealous!" Y/N cried, and Dan moved closer towards her.

"I'm only with Madison to make you jealous!" Dan yelled, and they both stopped.

"This is ridiculous Dan." Y/N said softly, tears still wet on her cheeks. Dan stood directly in front of her, feeling his fear begin to slip away.

"I know." He said before he pressed his lips to Y/N's. Her arms wrapped around his neck, as his hands squeezed her hips. They rested their foreheads against each other and Dan took a breath.

"I'm tired of being afraid and I'm tired of making you cry." He breathed and Y/N held her breath.

"So?" She asked hesitantly.

"So come home, and be with me." He asked, feeling that familiar sense of fear of rejection.

"I thought you'd never ask." Y/N smiled, pressing her face into his neck.

"I love you." He whispered, and Y/N felt as though her heart would explode.

"I love you too."

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (33/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Holy crappu! Chapter 33! Only one more chapter left and then this fic will be finished! I literally am in shock right now honestly. I'll save all the gushy stuff for the next chapter, but i'm still in shock lol. The final chapter is more like an epilogue so it may be out before Saturday since I already have half of it written! So keep your eye out for that! Sorry this chapter is late, i had a lot going on these couple of weeks and then like three hours ago I was almost finished with this but my roommate asked if I wanted to watch The Killing of a Sacred Deer (it's a movie i promise) and i was like. Um yeah who do you take me for OF COURSE! So here we are, three hours into sunday, and I'm an ass! Thank you all for reading this and for your lovely comments! The song at the beginning is from Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

PREVIOUS | MASTERLIST

READ IT ON AO3 READ IT ON WATTPAD

-

Chapter Thirty-Three

Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember.

-

University starts before Phil is truly ready for it.

One moment, he feels like he’s just minding his own business working and lazing around the house, and the next he’s scrambling to do last minute school shopping (i.e., buy a pack of pencils and that’s it). It hits him hard, but his friends are there for him and he even shares his creative nonfiction class with Charlie, so he can’t be too terribly mad.

The first couple of weeks go by rather slowly. His professors are all nice, and Phil had gotten a doctor’s note from his psychologist saying that he may have to miss school sometimes due to an ‘underlying mental illness’, which really just meant his post-traumatic stress disorder that occasionally flared up here and there. While it had gotten better, he wasn’t completely healed yet. Apparently that shit either took years to go away, or even never went away. But Phil was optimistic and every time he could smell Nico’s old cologne or watch Nico’s favourite show without going into freakout mode was a win for him.

Things got stressful fast though, sadly, which is true for all of university. One moment, he was just minding his own business, scrolling through tumblr at odd hours of the day, eating snacks, and the next he was scrambling to finish a ten page paper about why sex education in school is important while completely forgetting to eat as he rushed to finish. Dan was practically shoving food down his throat during it all, berating him for not starting the paper earlier.

What a hypocrite, honestly. Phil had seen Dan rush to finish a paper multiple times because his depression had gotten in the way of doing it earlier. At the least, he should at least understand when Phil did it too.

But then again, maybe he did understand. Maybe he was shoving food down Phil’s throat and promising him a bubble bath after he finished because he knew exactly what Phil was dealing with emotionally, knew how hard it was to complete things on time when the world was pressing on your chest in a way that made it hard to breathe.

After a while, his brain had had enough of the strain and decided to give up after five pages, spewing out a load of bullshit that didn’t make sense in the slightest. Phil buried his face into his palms, his eyes tearing up, and pressed his fingers against his eyelids to keep the wetness from leaking onto his cheeks. It didn’t really help too much other than to make his eyes hurt with the pressure.

“Why don’t you take a break?” Dan asked softly, draping a soft blanket around Phil’s shoulders. He kissed the side of Phil’s head, nuzzling his nose into his hair. “Email your professor and see if she’ll let you turn it in a day late.”

Phil laughed humourlessly, wetly. He didn’t think it was that easy. Plus, wouldn’t that just make him look bad by asking for special treatment? “And let my professor know that I was slacking on this assignment? I’d rather die.”

Dan hummed and pulled Phil’s laptop off of his lap, ignoring the small protests that came out of Phil’s mouth when he did so. Without asking, he replaced the laptop with himself, plopping on Phil’s lap like he was a dog. He poked Phil’s nose. “Mental health isn’t being lazy or slacking, my dear boy. It’s an actual disorder of the brain that renders you incapable during periods of time where you would otherwise be okay. Sometimes you can be in a bad place for weeks, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your professors already know that there’s something going on with you. Asking for an extra day to complete the assignment is just you trying to be responsible and practicing self care. If you don’t finish tonight, then you’ll look like you don’t care about it at all and you’ll get points taken off of your assignment. Which would you prefer?”

In the end, Phil emailed his professor. Although he did do it with a lot of whining and grumbling, just to make Dan mad. (It doesn’t matter that Dan doesn’t get mad at him anyways, no matter how hard Phil tried. He was always way too understanding, damn it).

After only five minutes of refreshing his gmail anxiously, Dr. Lucifer replied with a chill, ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll give you until Wednesday to complete it. Feel better Philip!’ There was even a smiley face at the end, so out of place after Phil had carefully constructed his email, made sure there were no typos, practically typing out a double spaced, 12 point Times New Roman persuasive paper about why he needed an extra day to complete. And then here was his professor, signing off with a fucking smiley face.

“Was that so hard?” Dan asked softly, brushing a hand through Phil’s hair.

Phil pouted and, because he was a jerk, pushed Dan off his lap light enough that Dan wouldn’t get hurt and could catch himself when he fell. “Shut your mouth, Howell, you owe me a bubble bath.”

Phil did end up getting his bubble bath, complete with a robot bubble bar from Lush, candles around the tub, and his favourite anime playing on his laptop that was set on the toilet so he could see. However, he also got an armful of Dan, which was something pure and good.

When Dan joined the bath, it didn’t matter that they were both too giants trying to fit into one tub. It didn’t matter that Phil’s legs started to go numb after a while or that they had to get out quicker because they got too hot too fast. All that mattered was that they were spending time together, with Phil’s arms around Dan’s waist, gently running his nails over Dan’s stomach because he knew that Dan liked it when he did that.

Most of the time, Phil liked to be held by Dan simply because it made him feel safe and warm and loved. But today, Phil wanted to be able to hold somebody. Holding something against his chest made him feel like his heart was full, like there was someone who needed him and who he needed in return. It was so relaxing, in his opinion, especially when that person was Dan, who he could press kisses all over his shoulders and neck. Who’s hair he could mess with, twirling a curls around his finger and pretending like his fingers were curling irons.

It was nice. It got Phil’s schoolwork off of his mind, that’s for sure. And when Dan turned around, capturing Phil’s lips in his, asking if he wanted a ‘good job blowjob’, Phil definitely didn’t have any complaints.

-

Phil had a break in between his Poetry and his Creative Nonfiction class where he liked to go to the different dining halls to grab some food. Depending on the day, Phil would meet up with either Louise, Dan, or both, and they would have a meal together, talking about how their classes were going, or how life in general was going. Phil really liked Louise and he was glad that they were getting to know each other better, thanks to Dan.

Plus, seeing Louise and Dan together reminded Phil of how he and Chandler used to be. They had their own inside jokes and would sometimes just break into laughter as soon as they made eye contact for no apparent reason. Louise made fun of Dan with no shame and Dan laughed so loudly that his voice would go all high pitched and squeaky.

Whereas most people may feel like they were a third wheel after something like this, Phil didn’t feel that way at all. It was nice on days where Phil didn’t feel up to talking too much, and it was nice on the days when Phil wanted to join in and create his own inside jokes with them. Watching the two of them together was a gift in itself, because Phil liked to watch how Dan interacted with people who weren’t, well, him.

When Dan wasn’t talking to Phil, his voice was louder and more brash, more obnoxious. He was more sarcastic, kind of mean, but only in a joking way. He liked to tell people to fuck off, liked to tell them that they were twats. He cussed a lot and was a dramatic piece of shit that was so painfully obviously studying something in theatre.

With Phil, Dan was all smiles and soft voices and warmth. Sometimes he would get all competitive and act like he was the most important drama queen on the planet, but then other times he would be all cuddles and kisses and compliments. Phil would love to tell the whole world about Dan’s big praise kink whenever Dan was in his boasting mood with Louise, but he didn’t. When he smiled at Phil, he made these doe-eyes that really made him look in love, tone quiet when he teased.

In short, Dan was a lot gayer with just Phil around.

Today was just one of those days where Phil didn’t really feel like talking. Dan understood this and didn’t press him for answers, knowing by now that Phil sometimes just needed time to be quiet and think about life. Everyone had those days, and Phil was having a day like that now.

Dan was holding his hand on the table, and Phil was grateful once again that they had opposite dominant hands, that way they could hold hands while still eating. Phil was eating a taco bowl made with spicy shrimp and Dan had gotten a sub sandwich with a taro bubble tea. Despite Dan’s efforts to make Phil try the drink, Phil refused, saying that he was afraid it would taste like a potato.

Louise and Dan were in a dispute about which bubble tea flavour was the best. Louise was stuck on mango while Dan said that the milk tea and taro were definitely the best. Phil just smiled and sat back, sipping on his own earl grey bubble tea. He liked it, but it wasn’t the best he’d ever tasted at all. He just hadn’t been in the mood for anything particularly fruity, so this was the most logical answer.

“How’s your tea, Phil?” Louise asked, drawing Dan’s attention towards Phil as well.

Phil shrugged and sipped at it again. “Spicy. Wait, no that’s not what I-” he was cut off by the sound of Dan trying to hold in a laugh, but failing miserably as it came out with a snort. He made eye contact with Louise, whose eyes were watering from trying not to laugh, and then they all burst into laughter. The table was practically vibrating with their noise, and Phil’s throat hurt from cackling so hard.

When Louise could finally get in a breath, she wheezed out, “Phil, that is the whitest thing I have ever heard you say.”

“I forgot what the word for herbal was!” Phil whined, which only made Dan laugh harder.

“Earl grey isn’t even an herbal tea, Phil!”

Phil pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your mum isn’t even an herbal tea.”

Louise shook her head, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down. Her makeup was a bit watery and messed up now, but it didn’t look bad. If anything, it was just endearing. “I can’t believe we’re still using your mum jokes.”

“I can’t believe you’re my friend,” Phil shot back, shaking his head in disappointment at himself. In all honesty, he was really grateful for both Louise and Dan, and they both knew that. Without them, Phil would probably just be sat in his apartment with no friends and sad piano music playing in the background.

The epitome of depression.

Just then, Phil glanced around the dining hall that they were in and his eyes came to a stop on someone who looked slightly familiar. It took him a moment to realise why they looked familiar, because this person had curly brown hair with blonde highlights, and Phil didn’t know anybody with blonde highlights.

But apparently he did now, because Nico was standing across the dining hall, in line at the bubble tea shop. As opposed to the other times Phil had seen him, this time he was completely alone and staring right at Phil with a hard frown on his lips.

From where he was sitting, Phil couldn’t see the freckle constellations on his face. He couldn’t see the colour of his eyes or how they shined emerald in the light. He couldn’t see the lines between his eyebrows or each individual strand of hair. He couldn’t smell his cologne or hear his voice.

And yet, Phil could hear his voice. He could smell his cologne. He could see the fucking freckles on his face and the glitter of emerald in his eyes and the lines between his eyebrows and each individual strand of hair. If somebody had asked him if he could draw constellations connecting each freckle together with only a pen and a piece of paper and no map, then Phil would be able to do it perfectly. Because even a year later, the memory of Nico was still burned into his head so intensely that he still couldn’t forget all of the tiny details that made up the man.

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand but Phil was so focused on the matter at hand that he hardly noticed. He could feel panic build up in him, making his skin pale and shaky. He felt nauseous, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been whenever Phil had seen Nico before. This time, it was just a smooth thrumming in his bones, vibrating him, making him feel like his skeleton was trying to shed off his own skin.

He hated that he was doing this in front of Louise, hated that he was showing weakness once again in a public setting. Every time he thought that he was doing well, that maybe for once he was taking his PTSD by the balls and throwing it against the wall for good, it seemed to be thrown back in his face in one way or another.

“Phil.”

Nico didn’t look away and Phil couldn’t bring himself to either. They were frozen, thinking about a time when they were together, when Phil had put Nico first no matter what it did to his own mental health. Back when Nico’s opinion meant more than his own, when he had done everything to keep Nico and had gotten nothing in return but harsh words and a cold shoulder. Now being with Dan, Phil doesn’t know how he’d been with Nico for so long when he had constantly felt like shit. But he also knew that it wasn’t that simple. He’d been trapped by the sick idea that that was what love was supposed to be like, thanks to all of those sick love stories that made him believe that love meant sacrificing parts of yourself for your partner even if it makes you sad.

“Phil. Phil, hey.”

Dan’s hands were on both of Phil’s cheeks then, turning his head to face him. His hands were cold against Phil’s hot cheeks, but his eyes were warm like tea. His eyebrows were crinkled with concern, his thumbs rubbing over Phil’s cheekbones to try to bring him back to the present.

When he finally got Phil’s eyes on him, Dan smiled softly and bumped their foreheads together, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s. “Hey,” he murmured quietly.

Phil tried to smile but he only succeeded in his lips twitching up slightly, eyebrows furrowed like he was worried about something. Face pale like he had seen a ghost. “Hi,” he whispered, voice shaking slightly.

Ignoring Louise’s presence completely, Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s nose. Feather light but full of feeling. Full of care. A small I’m here for you. Phil glanced out of the corner of his eye, back over towards Nico. He saw the way Nico was gritting his teeth, clenching his fists. Saw the way Nico muttered under his breath and then turned away, getting out of line and walking out of the dining hall.

“Hey,” Dan said again. “Look at me. Are you looking at me?” He pulled away and pressed kisses against Phil’s forehead, his cheeks, the corner of his lips. Phil was looking at him now. He was always looking at Dan. “Good. Keep your eyes on me. I’m here, okay? Everything is going so well, you’re doing so well. I’m so proud of you, you know? You’ve gotten so far and you’re doing things for yourself and even if you trip and stumble sometimes, you don’t let it stop you. You keep going no matter how hard it is. You’re so strong, Phil. You always have been.”

Phil closed his eyes, let Dan’s words wash over him. With Nico out of the room, he was starting to calm down, but it was hard to completely grasp the present enough to get himself out of the past. It was almost as though he had hands grabbing at his legs, trying to pull him under until he was gasping for breath, completely submerged in memory that he didn’t quite want to remember.

Slowly, Dan started to pull him out, whispering to Phil how he inspired him every day to be a better person, how Phil had gone through hell and yet had gotten out despite not believing in himself. When he ran out of things to say, he started talking about what was going on in their lives at the moment, how Phil had gone back to school and was doing so many things with his life now.

When Phil’s breath audibly stabilized, Dan kissed him lightly on the lips and pulled back slightly, looking at him with that calm smile on his face again. Phil’s eyes fluttered open and he stared into the warm brown, his heartbeat starting to calm. Dan grinned. “Better?”

Phil nodded and managed to smile back, albeit a bit shakily still. “A bit,” he rasped out. “I mostly just feel tired now.”

“Do you need to go back to the flat and skip out on Creative Nonfiction for today?”

This time, Phil shook his head. “No, I should go,�� he sighed out, bumping his forehead to Dan’s and putting his hand on his knee, squeezing it lightly. “My writing journal is due today and I don’t want to deal with asking another professor for another extension. Better to just get it over with.”

Dan was beaming at him and he looked so full of sunlight that Phil was afraid he might burst. Phil gave him a quizzical stare, and if Dan was a dog with a tail, he would be wagging it right then. “You didn’t freak out that bad!” Dan exclaimed as reasoning for being so excited. Phil pursed his lips as Dan continued. “You didn’t pass out, you didn’t start crying or have to leave. Fuck, you’re even going to class afterwards. That’s amazing, Phil!”

Phil was absolutely floored. He didn’t really think about it like that. All he had been thinking was that it was ridiculous that he was still dwelling in the past, that he was still panicking. Because he did panic, he did get anxious and upset. But this time, he had actually been able to get a hold of his emotions without something drastically changing. “I…” he started, and then laughed awkwardly, shaking his head in amazement. “Yeah, you’re right.”

While there was still anxiety inside of him, Phil hadn’t had a full blown panic attack. And it was while Nico was in the room. Every time Phil had imagined seeing Nico again, it had never turned out well. He had always thought he would freak out or pass out or all of the above. But this time, he didn’t do any of those things.

“We need to celebrate,” Dan joked, and it was then that he seemed to realise that Louise was still there. Poor Louise, who was just eating her food and scrolling through her phone without paying them any mind. She was so obviously trying to give them space, but her ears perked when Dan started to speak to her. “Louise, do you wanna buy Phil an ice cream?”

Phil laughed in shock, shoving at Dan. He shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t just ask people if they’ll buy things for me, Dan!” he scolded his boyfriend, giving him what was supposed to be a harsh look.

Louise jumped at the chance to be a part of the situation though, because she was reaching across the table and grabbing Phil’s hand in both of her own. With the most serious expression on her face that Phil had ever seen, she said, “I will buy you every goddamn ice cream in the world if that’s what you want.”

They stared at each other. Phil with his mouth hanging open and Louise with an unreadable expression. The longer they stared, the more laughter built up inside of Phil at the absurdity of the situation, and then they were both giggling. Louise squeezed his hand. “Seriously, Phil. I’m buying you ice cream whether you like it or not.”

“Fine,” Phil huffed. “Let’s have a full blown party in that case. I expect strippers.”

“Can’t forget the strippers. They’re essential,” Dan said.

Louise nodded and pulled out a mini notebook from her purse, jotting something down inside of it with a pink pen. “Got it. Ice cream and strippers. I’ll throw Phil the best gosh darn anti-panic-attack party there ever was and you better be there. Or else.”

Phil didn’t know what the or else meant, but he knew that he was going to be there for sure, surrounded by people who he loved and cared about, and who felt the same for him. Because this was the kind of thing that people should throw parties for apparently, and he was just going to have to accept that.

Accepting it wasn’t very hard, after all.

Chapter Thirty-Four 

[ticklishhpickle]

No Hugs

Summary: Dan Howell does not like hugs. Or Phil Lester. And he certainly doesn’t like hugs with Phil Lester. 

Word count: 2.7k

Genre: fluff, this is literally just a ball of fluff with pining Dan who won’t admit he likes Phil

Warnings: none

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Howell hated physical contact. Hugs, especially. He hated the feeling of pressing his chest against another human’s chest awkwardly in some weird display of affection. Having arms wrapped around him made him feel like he was being trapped, the arms feeling like a hungry python engulfing his body in a deadly choke. The whole concept and practice of physical contact just seemed so uncomfortable to Dan. Why would anyone willingly put themselves through the awkwardness of human touch when they could just, not?

The few hugs Dan had had the displeasure of enduring throughout his life were all painfully unpleasant. The first was with his dad- he was twelve and it had ended in a lot of awkward back patting. The second was with his Aunty who had unwittingly pressed her rapidly sagging chest against his, making him shiver in terror. The last and possibly worst was with his friend Chris who’d practically forced him into it after Dan had come out to him. Was it a huge, momentous occasion not only for Dan, but for their friendship as well? Sure. Did it warrant a hug? Certainly not.

“Hi Dan! I made cupcakes with my little sister over the weekend- this one’s chocolate flavoured, I heard you liked chocolate? Anyway, here you go.”

And there was the other thing Dan hated: Phil Lester. Phil lester was the sweetest, most positive and most adorable person Dan had ever met. It was disgusting.Phil was always going out of his way to make his day better, leaving cute little notes in Dan’s locker, pencil case- anywhere he could access really. If that wasn’t bad enough, he always made conversation with Dan, asking him how his day was with such genuine interest that Dan couldn’t do anything but answer. It was so manipulative of Phil.

Dan turned around in his chair, accidentally looking straight into his classmate’s baby blue eyes. They were so stupidly bright, twinkly and full of life. Seriously, the boy was just asking to be hated! Dan bashfully took the cupcake out of Phil’s outstretched hand. It was only the polite thing to do, and Dan loved chocolate which helped. He took a small bite. It was delicious. The rich chocolatey taste melted in his mouth and he licked his lips.

“Thanks. It’s good.” He said, making sure not to show any emotion in his tone. He couldn’t let Phil get any ideas.

Phil’s mouth turned up in a lopsided grin, his eyes twinkling even more now if that was possible.

“Thank you! I’m really glad you liked it, I have more in my locker if you want to come get them at lunch? And I can tell you about my newest Pokemon game while we’re there!” Phil was looking at Dan with the softest, most hopeful expression that he’d ever seen.

“Okay.”

Fuck. The answer had tumbled out of Dan’s mouth before he’d even had the chance to think about it. He didn’t want to hang out with stupid, lame Phil Lester at lunch! Seriously, the guy was such a nerd, with his Pokemon obsession and his little hipster glasses and his amazing baking skills. Ugh, and Dan couldn’t retract his agreement because then that giddy look on Phil’s face would be gone, replaced with one of disappointment and rejection. As much as he hated Phil, it would just be cruel to say no now,

“Great! See you then.” Phil beamed before going back to doodling dumb Pokemon in his workbook. Seriously, who even liked Goldeens? They were the lamest Pokemon out!

Lunchtime was not going to be fun.

-

Dan was in the cafeteria, sitting next to  his best friend Chris. Both boys were unashamedly licking the remaining bits of cupcake from the empty wrappers.

Chris moaned in delight.

“These are fucking delicious, Lester’s an amazing baker.” Chris said, throwing his soggy wrapper into the bin.

“I know! He’s so stupidly good at everything. He’s such a try hard, it hurts.” Dan grumbled, taking another cupcake out of the container and shoving it in his mouth.

“Yeah. It’s just too bad that you have the biggest crush known to man on him.” Chris had walked back from the bin now, and was standing at the head of the table with his arms folded.

Dan spat the contents of his mouth ungracefully onto the table in front on him. He coughed a few times, the crumbs stuck in his throat.

“I’m sorry, what?” He asked, voice croaky.

Chris rolled his eyes.

“What are you acting surprised for? You’ve had the biggest crush on Lester since he moved here and we both know it.”

“No I don’t! I hate that guy!” Dan was blushing furiously now, how could his own best friend accuse him of something so gross?

“Alright. And that’s why he’s all you’ve been talking about the past few months, why you’re eating his cupcakes and why you invited him to sit with us at lunchtime.” Chris smirked, clearly quite pleased with his arguments.

Dan shot Chris a look that was supposed to make him flinch, but only served to make the boy even more amused at his friend’s obvious denial.

“Shut up! I only invited him to sit with us because I felt bad after he gave me all those cupcakes, and he said he wanted to tell me about his new Pokemon game.” Dan scoffed. “It was a pity invite.”

“Okay. If you say so.” Chris grabbed a napkin and began cleaning the crumbs Dan had spat out onto the table. Dan breathed a sigh of relief. For once Chris had given up and Dan could be left in peace. Was this real life?

“Do you think a purple tux would suit me? I want to stand out at the Dan and Phil wedding.” Chris mused casually.

Dan screwed his face up, his hands balling into fists. What kind of best friend was Chris? He opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted when a certain black-haired boy returned to the table.

“Hey I’m back!” Phil slid casually next to Dan on the seat, his eyes lighting up when he saw that all of the cupcakes were gone.

“So you guys liked my cupcakes, I see?” Phil nudged Dan in the side playfully, making his insides tingle with what was most definitely hatred.

Dan nodded softly in acknowledgement, a smile spreading across his face that he tried to fight back. Seeing Phil happy didn’t make him happy. Not at all.

“Aw thank you!” Phil smiled back at Dan before opening his arms wide. “I think a congratulatory hug is in order, don’t you think? That was a lot of cupcakes but you tackled them all!”

Dan recoiled, shifting back along the bench away from Phil. A hug? And from Phil Lester of all people? No thanks.

Phil’s face fell immediately, and Dan’s heart clenched. Phil retracted his arms back to his sides awkwardly, looking at Dan like he’d just told him Santa wasn’t real.

“He doesn’t like hugs. Weird, I know right?” Chris explained, shaking his head.

“O-oh, sorry- I didn’t realise...” Phil replied, all red in the face now.

“Um, it’s okay. Not a big deal.” Dan slowly scooted back to his original place on the seat, feeling  guilty all of a sudden. It’s not like he should feel bad, he had nothing to be sorry for. It didn’t matter that Phil looked like a sad little puppy when his hug had been rejected. Dan didn’t care.

He just didn’t like hugs, and Phil Lester would be no exception.

-

It had been a few weeks since the ‘no hug’ incident (as Dan liked to call it) and Phil had become even more annoying somehow.

He was hanging out with Dan and Chris more, sitting with them every single lunchtime- didn’t he have any other friends? He also always felt the need to sit as close to Dan as possible, whether it was in five of the six classes they shared together, or at lunchtime when he would snuggle up to Dan on the long seats, when there was clearly enough room for him not to. Dan couldn’t complain though, he couldn’t hurt Phil’s feelings like that. It would just be too mean and awkward to tell him to stop, so he was stuck with the boy.

The worst part of it all, by far were the looks Phil always gave him. Always gazing at Dan softly with his stupid sparkly blue eyes, when Dan wasn’t looking and even when he was. He’d called Phil out on it a few times, and all the silly boy had done in response was blush and stutter out a lame excuse. Who did he think he was, acting like a little ray of sunshine that made Dan’s meaningless existence actually somewhat bearable?

“Oi, loverboy, you going to Homecoming?” Dan felt his side being nudged by Chris. It was lunchtime and Dan and Chris were sitting in their usual spot, Phil actually absent for once, having told Dan he had some homework to catch up on. It was kind of quiet without him.

“I don’t think so. I’ve got no one to go with and I don’t plan on third-wheeling you and Tess the whole night.” Dan sighed. He actually wanted to go.

“Oh, what? I thought you were going with Lester.” Chris had the teasing smirk on his face that appeared every time Phil was brought into conversation.

“No! We’re not like that.” He defended, crossing his arms.

“Then care to explain the lovey-dovey glances you guys always give each other, or the fact that he basically cuddles up to you every lunchtime or maybe, I don’t know, why you never seem to stop talking about him?”

Dan narrowed his eyes.

“Seriously Chris, you need to stop. I’m getting annoyed now.” Dan loved his friend, but right now he was irritating him to no end. Chris had other ideas, however. He looked Dan right in the eyes, grinning wickedly before chanting,

“Danny has a crush, Danny has a crush, Danny has a crush, DANNY HAS A CRUSH!”

Dan was more frustrated than he’d ever been in his life, why couldn’t Chris just drop this? Didn’t he make it clear that he hated Phil, complaining about him as often as possible? Anger was bubbling up inside of him, hot and red and the next words that came out of his mouth would come to be ones he would regret.

“I DO NOT LIKE PHIL LESTER, I HATE HIM! Seriously, you need to shut up about this already!”

He saw Chris open his mouth to reply, before his eyes widened and he pointed behind Dan.

He turned around.

Oh shit.

The one and only Phil Lester was standing there, bouquet of roses in his hand and a crushed look on his face. Dan had felt bad enough seeing Phil’s hurt expression when he’d rejected his hug all those weeks ago, but now- Phil looked devastated.

The boy’s bright blue eyes were wet, the pain he was feeling evident. Before Dan could do anything to rectify the situation, Phil was running off, the roses dropped to the floor.

Double shit.

Dan’s stomach dropped, the weight of what had just happened hitting him.

He knelt down and picked up the bouquet of roses, feeling a stab in his chest when he saw the note attached.

Homecoming? :D

-

Dan had fucked up. He’d really fucked up now. Oh god, he didn’t hate Phil, not even a little bit. Dan had thought the reason he couldn’t stop thinking about Phil was become he hated him so much, but it really was the opposite. Chris was right, he did like him. A lot. But now he’d hurt Phil, and he wasn’t sure how to fix it.

Phil was going to ask him to homecoming! It would have been amazing. Dan could imagine it now; Phil coming to his house to pick him up, looking beautiful in a suit that would match Dan’s. Dan’s mum would be overly excited, of course, taking dozens of pictures of the two together before sending them off into a limousine she would have insisted on renting. And finally, when the last slow song was being played, Phil would pull Dan onto the dancefloor and they’d sway in sync to the music, their foreheads pressed together as they looked into each other’s eyes.

Dan’s chest felt heavy. He couldn’t give up on that dream. Phil was the kindest and most understanding person he knew, he might forgive Dan if he gave a good enough explanation. But how was he going to do it? He needed to do something big, something that Phil wouldn’t be able to say no to…

Dan looked around his bedroom, eyes scanning over various objects before landing on the red bouquet of roses Phil had dropped earlier. Dan smiled. He knew how to fix this.

-

Dan paced nervously around Phil’s front yard, straightening up his suit jacket. This better work. After a few more minutes of stressing out, Dan forced himself to walk to the front door.

He rang the doorbell.

He heard the soft padding of feet for a few seconds before the door opened, revealing a tired-looking Phil. He straightened himself up when he saw it was Dan on the other side of the door, looking apprehensive.

“What are you doing here?” The beautiful blue eyes Dan loved so much were not sparkling, now looking dull and hopeless.

“I came here to apologise, if you’ll let me. I have something prepared.”

Dan stepped aside, allowing Phil to see what was in the front yard. A table with a red checkered cloth was in the middle of his garden. On top was a tray with ten chocolate cupcakes, each with one letter from the word ‘Homecoming’ iced on. Surrounding the baked goods was a circle of carefully sprinkled rose petals, hand picked from Dan’s mother’s garden.

“What’s this, Dan?” Phil’s eyes were filled with a soft wonder akin to that of a child’s. He was outside now, standing in front of the table.

“This is an apology. And an invitation, if you’ll accept it.” Dan cleared his throat nervously. “ “I like you, Phil. I’m sorry I ever said anything else. I was an idiot to deny the fact that I’ve liked you ever since I met you.”

Phil looked utterly shocked now, and dare he say, a little giddy? The brightness had returned to his eyes, giving Dan the confidence to continue.

Dan picked up the bouquet of roses- now a little wilted- that Phil had given him the day before. He handed them to Phil, their hands brushing together causing both boys to turn pink.

Within two seconds a huge smile had overtaken Phil’s face, meaning he’d read Dan’s reply on the note attached- ‘yes :D’.

“Will you go to homecoming with me?” Dan asked, more than anything wanting Phil to say yes.

Phil looked up from the note and into Dan’s eyes, causing him to swoon a little. This was it. Dan braced himself for the answer that would either make or break him.

“Yes! Of course I’ll go with you, dummy. I like you too in case that wasn’t painfully obvious. And I forgive you, I’m just glad you didn’t mean it.”

Phil was opening his arms, leaning forward to encircle Dan with them before he quickly stopped himself. He shuffled on his feet awkwardly.

“Sorry! I forgot you didn’t like hugs! Celebratory handshake instead?” Phil smiled apologetically, his expression soft and innocent.

Dan didn’t know why he felt really disappointed when Phil pulled away. He hated hugs, didn’t he? But Phil’s face looked so cute and small, and he just looked so warm…

“Well… maybe we can hug. Just this once.” Dan found himself saying.

Almost instantly, Phil threw his arms around him, surrounding him in warmth and the smell of cinnamon. Dan squeezed back hesitantly, finding that the hug wasn’t entirely unpleasant. It didn’t feel too awkward, or forced and soon Dan found himself melting into the embrace. He felt safe and secure in Phl’s arms, and his heart was flipping over in his chest excitedly.

Maybe hugs weren’t so bad, at least not with Phil. 

[candidlytaron]

Chapter four: τέσσερα

You’re a star and everyone knows, maybe thats why I can never get close I can barely remember most of what was said during our last conversation

— Tori Kelly • Eyelashes

• • •

THE FORMAL MEETING

TARON

   It didn't take long for Taron to realise his worth and stop reaching out as much as he wanted to. It's only been two months since his break-up with Delilah, but now he's slowly coming to his senses and realise that trying to get her back might just be a big mistake. Or at least that's what he's been telling himself.

    Though now, she's completely out of his mind now that Taron's got a new project. He's going to be able to focus in something that doesn't concern his past relationship. He's been wanting to get a part on something, and he's glad it's in this project, of all the roles that he's auditioned on last month and these past few weeks.

    He's quite unfamiliar with the other artists that had landed a role. This is practically his first day on the job, and he's nervous. The only one he knows is Isla Constantine and that's it. And the only interaction he's ever had with her is two months ago during the award show. The only thing they did was smile and nod at each other. So Taron doesn't know how he's going to start a conversation with her, or with anyone in general. This is going to be a new world that he's going to be in, filled with unfamiliarity, and people will be pretty much different than the cast in his old projects. But he convinces himself that he'll be able to click with at least one cast member, just like how he clicked with Ed Holcroft, and the friendship is all going to start from there.

    He hops out of the cab and gaze at the gargantuan house that faces that's about to meet him in about a minute. The black gates look ancient, but well-preserved, still, as if this house had been passed on for generations. He proceeds to the small gate for the entrance and he taps the doorbell, then tuck his hands on his jean jacket's pockets awaiting for the guards' response.

    After about five seconds, the door swings inward and a guard meets him. "Name?"

    "Taron Egerton," he replies. Then the guard presses a button on the phone beside the gate. He says his name and awaits for the response of the person at the other end.

    "He is one of the casts. Let him in," cues a man from the other end of the line. So, the guard moves out of the way and let Taron step in the mansion and the breathtaking view of the modern approach stuns him, his jaw dropping to the floor.

    The guard taps his shoulder and scans his body with a metal detector, observing his reaction. "We've all had the same reactions, bruv," He says. "I can no longer count on my fingers how many celebrities had entered this home that painted the same expression as you. Not just celebrities, actually, but literally just anyone." He smiles at him, and Taron smiles back, still anxious and, now, intimidated too. But this is the director's house. Of course it is going to be massive, although he didn't expect it to be this massive.

    The guard gestures at his fellow guard to attend to the next guests as he leads Taron inside. Taron looks around the place and observe that there just might be a lot of pricey stuff that's put on display around the exterior of the house. No wonder why the director has so many guards around.

    When they reach the lobby, which is the expected area to meet the artists, Taron realises that he apparently went in too early, because there are only two people that's already around, and, in Taron's fear, they are talking, and it gives him anxiety that he might just have to barge in and join in their conversation. He hated doing it as he's used to finding someone who's not talking to anyone and just start interacting with them. It's always been like that for him, but not anymore.

    The two possible co-actors shifts their gaze from each other to Taron, and he feels so much more awkward than he was when he first entered. He badly wants to ask them to quit looking at him because for the first time in a while, he actually feels shy—an unlikely trait especially because he's an actor, but not all the time someone would be as confident as they are in front of the camera, Taron keeps reminding himself as a way of comfort. But he feels even more uneasy when the two begins to whisper whilst looking at him. He feels his heart racing, though he thinks he doesn't have the right to assume things because he doesn't exactly know what's going on and what they are really talking about.

    He gathers his guts and approach them, and with a much clearer sight does he realise: the girl that's been conversing with one of his co-actors is Isla. He smiles, a bit assured that she might have recognised him. And upon even closer inspection, he realises that the guy Isla is chatting with is Georgios Alanis. He remembers that he's Isla's best friend and that he's met him on one party but he can't remember what party it is. He walks towards them, smiles and greets. "Hi there."

    Isla already looks stunned. She shakes her head and gesture at Taron to sit beside her so he does. A side of Taron keeps on ruining the scene and reminding him that these two are best friends, you are a stranger. He just wishes that the voices would stop and let him have this moment. He's had enough of the voices bothering him on his everyday life since the break-up. He doesn't need it right now too.

    "I'm Isla," she greets, inviting Taron to shake her hand so he takes it, nodding at her.

    "I know who you are. You've wiped out all four categories you were nominated in just last month. That's amazing. I'm Taron Egerton."

    Georgios raises his eyebrows. "Oh, she knows who you are," he says, smirking. "Oh, and I believe we may have met. Oscars after-party. But in case you don't remember, I'm George Alanis." He invites Taron for a handshake too and, again, he takes it.

    "I remember," Taron chuckles. "No worries."

     "Anyway, Isla has been so keen to meet you. She's a big fan." His eyebrows raise as he stands up. "I'll just go get some water for the three of us. Vincent's just waiting for everyone to gather up. Until then, you two; chat. I'll go find the butler."

    Taron faces a nervous Isla, and he can hint out the anxiousness, so he starts the conversation. "So, Isla...who are you playing?"

    "Heather Wallace. I know you're playing Howell Ellis and I'm looking forward to working with you if I get the job."

    Taron smirks. "I am looking forward to working with you if I get the job as well. Frankly, this makes me nervous as I've heard that Vincent is very picky when it comes to actors. Explains why all of his movies and shows have the perfect cast."

    Vincent Pace is a well-known director and word on the street is that he's very strict when it comes to directing a movie. He wants everything to go his way, hence, his pickiness on the cast, because he wants to know that everyone can follow through with what he wants. The cast still have no clue if they are compatible to work with each other so all of them share the same nervousness that Taron has been feeling since the start of the day. Everyone wants to take part in this, so they have to be really good with each other. They all have to impress the Vincent Pace.

    "We need to be amazing. This is like, the level two audition that we have to overcome to move on to the next chapter."

    Taron cocks his head sideways and smiles. "Are you a gamer or something?"

    Isla's eyes widens and she laughs. "Oh god no. As much as I want to be, I'm only ever interested in certain games. Also, I've got better things to spend my money on than buying a console. That's got to be the last one on my list of things to buy as much as I want it. Practicality, as taught by my mother. However, George is a gamer and he's taught me everything I know...which is very limited, to be honest."

    Taron chuckles. "Are you two dating? I kind of fear he would be jealous on our...romantic parts."

    Out comes the typical question Isla's been asked too many times. But she gives Taron a free-pass because he's only met them formally now, and has probably never heard of her until the award show.

    "Hell no. We're just best friends, although I do understand how you would think that, but I assure you he's not going to beat you up after the romantic scenes. Besides, if I were together with him, we're all professionals. We should all be professionals. It's a normal nature for actors to come across romantic scenes every once in a while, especially now. This is a romantic comedy."

     Taron cringes at the term 'romantic comedy'. Despite the fact that he's been wanting to be a part of this project, romantic comedy is such a new thing for him. He's used to dealing with movies with more action scenes, one of the reasons why he's unsure whether he's going to get this part. He feels like he's not fit to play Howell Ellis, but he got accepted, so that has to be something.

    The room begins to fill up, and Vincent finally shows up on the lobby wearing his casual house clothing (cargo shorts and regular t-shirt) with the script on one hand, which reminds everyone to bring up their scripts too. He beckons to the artists when everyone's present and lead them to his lanai, and everyone in the room is in awe with the interior of the house. When they are all settled in, Vincent stands near the door to welcome his guests.

    "Hello, everyone, and welcome to my home. We will be roaming around my house to get the perfect ambience depending on the scene we will do, but when you are not included in the scene, you will stay in here. My butler and maid who will be here in a minute will get you drinks, finger-foods, whatever you need. Understood?"

    "Understood," everyone collectively replies.

    Vincent nods and turns to his copy of the script and everyone does too. "First scene will be held in the bridge across my koi pond. Characters: Heather Wallace and Howell Ellis. So Taron and Isla, come with me."

    Taron gulps. The butterflies on his stomach grows stronger with every step approaching the koi pond. This could either make him or break him. Either way, it's showtime.

• • •

    After the trials, Vincent announces who will stay as the character and who will be recast. Everyone in the room is just as nervous as they were when they first entered Vincent's intimidating house.

    "I'm only going to mention the name of those who will be replaced. If you don't hear your name, that means you stay. And if you stay, you stay in the house because I still got something to tell you," he explains, which heightens up the tension in the room. This had Taron and Isla holding each others hands but not couple-like. It's the kind that's like in singing shows such as American Idol where the contestants that are in trouble hold hands, praying that their name wouldn't be mentioned by the host because it means they are eliminated. They, together with George are looking down as Vincent start to announce the names.

    He stops mentioning names and a lot of 'contestants' for the roles get out of the house gazing down, as if they're ashamed. Taron, whose eyes are closed, opens one eye and looks at Isla, who is smiling.

    "Taron, we're staying," she announces excitedly and he can't believe the news. He looks at Vincent wide-eyed and he nods at him. Then, he turns back to Isla and George and shake their hands, congratulating each other. He, then, notices another guy standing in front of them. Westley Jones. The four congratulates each other and take a seat. Isla and George on the love seat and Taron and West on the bench across them. Vincent stands in the middle, beginning to discuss something as all of them clutch on their half-drunken wine glasses.

    Taron remembers West. He was introduced to him by Elle because she also attended to him. Though, they haven't actually had a proper conversation with each other, and Taron has always seen his aura as a nice guy.

    As Vincent pauses in his discussion regarding what Taron deems as 'boring business stuff' because of a phone call, he faces West, and he smiles at him. West smiles back, even pointing at Taron. "I remember you. Ella is your publicist!" He says, face lighting up.

    Taron nods in reply, pressing his lips together and forming a straight line. "She is. We met at a management party, if you can recall?"

    "I do. I do recall," West grins. "I'm looking forward to work with you, man. I've seen Eddie, Sing and Kingsman and you were amazing on all of them."

    Then the wave begins to hit him once again, after an entire week of not crossing his mind. He has watched each and every of West's films because Delilah loved him as much as Isla loves Taron. He remembers the first time he and West met clearly now: he had to take a video of West greeting Delilah and he remembers how she flooded his messages with 'OMG's when he sent it to her, out of her excitement.

    But of course, it will be a pretty weird thing to tell West immediately that he has seen all of his films, specifically because he wants to avoid a conversation about his ex-girfriend. But by the looks of it, West already knew what happened because the news is all over the place—Taron badly hopes. So he just says "I've seen a lot of your movies too and you were also amazing in all of them." He remembers a movie where West also played a spy named Samuel, so he decides to add in "it's an Eggsy and Sam crossover."

    "Now that is a movie crossover that needs to happen," West agrees, clinking glasses with Taron. "It's a great concept since both are action-comedy already. They should have done that when Kingsman needed help. My spy agency could have helped out. We've a lot of sources" which is true. They have a lot of devices that Kingsman and Statesman doesn't have, including the revival for agents who died in an explosion.

    Vincent comes back in the room, which breaks Taron and West's chat and discusses some more technical stuff regarding the set, the dates and where it's going to be filmed.

    After the long discussion, all the actors rise up and head outside to go home. Taron feels relieved somehow that it's one less problem to worry about being cast in this movie. West easily warms up to Taron, placing his arm around him as Taron drops his gaze at his phone to see if Byron had already messaged but there's none, so he looks up to West and realise how short he is compared to him. West is about six feet and four inches tall not counting the height of his curly hair, and Taron had never felt so little.

     "Man, we are going to crush it. I've been looking forward to this project because of all the hype and now I get to be in it, officially."

    "I have the same feeling. This is something that I've been waiting for because I've been rejected tons of times these past few weeks. Months, actually."

    "Have you got somewhere to be? We can hang for some coffee and talk about it," West invites enthusiastically. Taron feels assured that he might have found his set best friend that he can hang with without things getting immediately awkward. West had obviously warmed up to him pretty quickly.

    Taron shrugs. He has texted Byron several times but there's still no response. "I guess I could go for some coffee and small talk. I mean, I definitely need it."

    Isla and George walk past them, and Isla squeezes Taron's shoulder. "Hey, we'll be bouncing off. Need a ride?" George offers, but Taron just gives him a smile.

    "No. We're good. My best friend is picking me up tonight."

    "And my car is in the parking lot of this massive house," West adds, his tone joking, even emphasizing the word 'massive'.

    Isla raises her shoulders. "Okay, then. I'll see you both soon? I'm so looking forward to working with the both of you. I've watched your films and I can already tell that this movie is going to be really good. Vincent makes no mistake in casting. Anyway, I'll see you guys." She smiles before walking off with George.

• • •

    The ride on the way to Starbucks wasn't at all awkward as Taron had thought. In fact, him and West really clicked and sang along to a bunch of throwback tunes loudly in the car, even awkwardly dancing along and sharing a laugh. Now, they have reached Starbucks. Taron sits on a table and West volunteers to order for the both of them. The place is crowded, so there really needs to be someone left on the seats so it won't be taken.

    Taron scans the room for a free seat, and finds one by the window designed with pink hearts that's sprawled all over the glass, so he approached the seat as quickly as possible, mentally calling dibs.

    When he finally sits down, he looks beside him again on the decorated glass and feel lonely. Here he realises that Valentine's day is fast approaching, and this is his first year of Valentine's day without burning his money buying generic gifts like flowers and chocolates and movie dates. Despite this thought, he still feels that way. He wants and likes the feeling of burning money in order to make the person he loves happy. Here, he begins to plan out his next move. Perhaps, knock on Delilah's doorstep and ask for forgiveness with her favorite, overpriced bouquet of roses in his hands.

    That's stupid. Don't do that, Taron. Know your worth, he says to himself. He had already gone weeks without thinking about her because of the stress on getting accepted in a role, but everything seems to come crawling back now that he is relieved off stressing to be a part of a movie, and how he despises the repeated overthinking.

    Taron is dumbfounded, but he snaps back when he sees West sit down in front of him, situating the tray down the coffee table. Now, two cups of coffee, a huge doughnut and a cheesecake rests in front of the lads and West lifts his cup and takes a sip of his coffee, wincing.

    "That is scorching. Wait for five minutes before drinking," he advises, and Taron, whose hands is already on the cup, lets go and nods.

    "So T, let's talk about Isla. Where did you guys first meet?"

    Taron sighs. "Umm, well we didn't really meet on that award show we both attended last January, but we did smile at each other. That was the first interaction somehow. Second, today where we formally met. Why'd you ask?"

    West smiles. "Oh, have you recognised her from all the gossip articles?"

     Taron narrows his eyes and tilts his head, curious. "What do you mean, exactly? Is she problematic?"

     "No. God, not at all. In fact, she's a really sweet girl. What I meant to say is, if you've read gossip articles about her, more or less you have encountered her mentioning you, specifically because she has a huge crush on you and everyone knows it."

    "What?!"

    "Oh, scratch that. Let me correct myself. Everyone knows it except you, man. I'm surprised no one actually bothered telling you about that."

    "No. No one did."

    Everyone might have collectively agreed that it's a bad idea to tell Taron about it when he already had a girlfriend who was a bit insane. If he knew, she'd also know, and she would be extremely paranoid around Isla. But did she already knew? Since way back in January when she saw Taron catching a glimpse of Isla, she looked at her threateningly, causing a mini-argument between the couple because of Delilah's intimidating stare.

    "I thought you knew. I didn't intend to make you feel weird around her, most especially because you will be playing a couple in the film."

    Taron shakes his head. "Not at all. Everyone in the show business is a professional when it comes to stuff like this. I reckon she's the same. So, I don't think there will be any weird feeling around her. Plus, she doesn't appear fazed when I talked to her? Perhaps, it's just a celebrity crush if you will."

    West smirks. "All right. Anyway, I'm excited to meet the other casts for the table read. It will be amazing."

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FIVE

[dvp95]

can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 8

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e (eventually)

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 4,906 for this chapter (35,025 total)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

Coming back to Phil's apartment is something Dan could really get used to. It's still dimly lit when they get in, but Phil goes around turning on a couple of lamps and lighting some candles while Dan tries not to let Thor pull him to the floor once again.

"D'you want tea or anything?" Phil asks, rocking back and forth on his slippered feet like he's nervous.

That's not fair. Dan should be the nervous one here. He shrugs off the borrowed jacket and hangs it up beside his hoodie. "Nah, I'm alright. I just need to talk to you."

Phil's face falls a bit further into anxiety, and Dan wonders what the hell is so scary about having a conversation. It's not like Phil knows that Dan has been a fucking idiot, after all, he's got nothing to worry about.

"Sure, yeah," says Phil. He gestures awkwardly at his sofa. "Wanna... sit?"

"Sure," Dan echoes. He and Phil sit on opposite ends of the sofa, Dan's legs tucked up underneath him and Phil's crossed over each other. The space between them feels ridiculously large after spending all evening pressed thigh to thigh, but Dan isn't going to dwell on that.

After a moment, where Dan unsuccessfully attempts to gather his thoughts, Phil clears his throat. "So, um. Is this a bad talk?"

His deep voice wobbles a bit, uncertain, and it clicks for Dan.

"Oh, no," he says quickly, reaching out to press his fingers to the denim covering Phil's arm. "No, sorry, I wasn't trying to be ominous or whatever. I'm not breaking up with you."

Phil's shoulders visibly relax. Now he just looks bemused. "Okay," he says, "so what's all this about?"

"I'm just," Dan says, then stops. He has no idea how to phrase this without sounding like he's an oblivious idiot, but, hey. If the shoe fits. He gives Phil a sheepish grin and takes his hand back to fiddle with a loose string on the sofa cushion. "Er, okay. So here's the thing. I didn't know that we were going on dates, I thought we were just... hanging out. And I was coming back early to tell you that I want to be more than friends, but you... already thought we were. And that's embarrassing. Because I definitely would have kissed you by now if we'd been on the same page."

The expression on Phil's face is impossible to read when Dan starts talking, but by the end of it, his jaw is slack with dumbfounded disbelief.

"You," Phil says, slow, "thought I asked you to get coffee as a friend?"

Dan shrugs. "Yeah."

"I literally slid into your DMs," Phil points out.

"Yeah," Dan says again, because he's well aware that he hasn't been the most attuned to the situation. "I could tell that you were, like, maybe into me? But I wasn't really sure?"

"Oh my god."

"Hey," says Dan. He's fighting a laugh, and he can see Phil's lips twitching, too. "You could have made a move, y'know."

Phil breaks first, running a palm over his face as he laughs. "I thought you wanted to take things slow, Dan! I knew you were in the closet, yeah, it's not like I expected us to hold hands at the dog park."

"I was in the closet," Dan says. "To myself, as well. But I figured my shit out, kind of, and that's why I wanted to see you, I didn't expect -"

"What do you mean you were in the closet to yourself? Dan, you couldn't seriously have been unaware that you're into me. I'm aware that you're into me. And I'm not very good at this, usually."

"Yeah, okay, but I was repressed!"

It looks like Phil can't decide if he wants to bury his face in his palms or laugh. "Dan," he says, "you didn't think to tell me any of this?"

"Well," says Dan. "I blame the repression. Besides, you have a functioning vocal box, and I didn't hear you say the word date at all until tonight."

"I thought I was being so obvious about what I wanted." Phil shakes his head and looks up at the ceiling for a brief second, as though praying for patience. "I was flirting with you from the get go, you spoon."

"I know," Dan admits. "I just wasn't sure, okay, and then I was sure that you were flirting but I wasn't sure about me and, like, I wanted to be fair to you?"

"You wanted to be fair to me," Phil repeats.

With a little poke to Phil's shoulder to get him looking over again, Dan nods. "Yeah. But I know that I'm gay now."

"I don't know how to be more clear about this," says Phil, "but I wouldn't have cared if you were going through a fucking sexuality crisis, Dan, I would have helped you. We could have talked about all this."

There's a beat of silence, where it becomes abundantly obvious to everyone present that Dan did not consider that. "Oh."

"You're so stupid," Phil says, sounding almost awed. "Like. Mind-meltingly stupid."

Dan swats at Phil's arm and pouts. "You didn't even try to kiss me when I was drunk and shirtless in bed with you, Phil! I think everybody in this room is pretty stupid." He pauses, then shakes his head. "Except Thor. He's perfect, and has never done anything wrong in his life."

"That's true," Phil agrees, flapping his hand right back at Dan but not actually connecting the slap. "And shut up, I didn't want you to regret something you did drunk, I like you!"

"I like you, too!" Dan exclaims, matching Phil's volume and grinning wide.

The laugh that's startled out of Phil is enough to make Dan laugh, too. They're both just giggling hopelessly at each other and at themselves for a little while, Thor looking at them from his bed with a curious head tilt. The laughter peters off naturally, and Phil is just smiling over at Dan with half-lidded eyes that sparkle in the fairy lights.

It's quiet for a moment while Dan just looks at Phil in a way he didn't know he's been allowed to do. Phil allows it, but not for very long.

"Hey," Phil says, voice quiet and deep and inviting.

Dan waits to see if he's going to say anything else, if he's going to voice what he's thinking rather than walking that line of letting Dan decide. He doesn't, but that's okay. Dan is all too happy to make the move, now that he trusts himself to.

"Hey yourself," Dan murmurs back, smiling. He shuffles over on the sofa until he's pressed against Phil's side once again, except this time with both legs thrown carelessly over Phil's lap.

It doesn't take any effort at all, from there. Dan curls a hand into the lapel of Phil's denim jacket and leans in close, his heart beating loud enough that he's sure Phil can hear it.

Phil's hands hover for a moment before they land on Dan's thigh and the side of his neck. His thumb brushes over Dan's pulse point, and now he can definitely tell that Dan's heart is going wild. Still, he just waits, his big eyes flickering down to Dan's mouth.

Dan could probably wait it out, any other time, tease Phil until he caves and closes the gap between them, but he wants this too much to be a dick about it. He smiles, instinctive, and pulls at Phil's jacket to bring him even closer. It's so easy to press their lips together, exhaling shakily through his nose as he does.

The last time Dan kissed a guy was a few years ago now, at a cast party for a shitty play he did in downtown Los Angeles. He's kissed girls since then, sure, and they're always nice enough to kiss, but.

Maybe it's how long it's been, or something, but Dan could swear that it's never felt like this before.

Sparks run up his spine and his eyes fall closed as Phil hums contentedly against his lips. Phil's hand is rubbing slow, deliberate circles over Dan's outer thigh, and it's so relaxing that Dan almost startles when Phil pulls away for a half second, comes back for a deeper kiss. He's tilting Dan's jaw with his thumb and his fingers are splayed over the side of Dan's throat and, god, another person's tongue in his mouth has literally never felt so good in his life.

Dan can't believe there's a version of him that lived his entire life without kissing Phil Lester, that shied away from this in order to feel normal. This is normal, and it's all he ever wants to do again.

It would be ridiculously simple to clamber into Phil's lap, or onto the floor in front of him, but Dan is actually content where he is right now.

He pulls back from the kiss with a soft noise, grinning when Phil tries to follow him.

"Y'know what, I'm glad I had my gay panic in peace," he informs Phil, who just seems confused about why they're not kissing anymore.

"Mm?" Phil hums, clearly distracted. "Why's that?"

His thumb brushes against Dan's Adam's apple, and Dan feels a full-body shiver run through him at the light touch. A blush creeping up his face, Dan smacks Phil's hand away.

"Stop that," Dan whines. "That's more than enough neck touching for one night, mate, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times."

"You don't like me touching your neck?" Phil asks, his blue-green-yellow eyes looking dark in the dim lighting. "Or it's too much?"

"It's just sensitive," says Dan. Which doesn't answer Phil's question, except for how it definitely does. Phil's little smirk tells Dan all he needs to know about how that information has been received. "And I'll kick you in the balls if you touch it again tonight."

"Kinky," Phil deadpans before he makes a big show of wrapping his arm around Dan's waist. The movement pulls them even closer together - Dan might as well be in Phil's lap at this point. "Better?"

"For now, yeah," says Dan. "And I'm glad I had my gay panic alone because it means I'm not just going to fuck you and run like I usually do. I wanna stick around, if you'll have me."

"I introduced you to my family," says Phil. "I think I've made it pretty clear where I stand."

"Maybe," says Dan, sliding his hand under Phil's jacket to toy with the collar of his shirt, "but after this mess, I wanna hear you say it."

Phil gives him an exasperated sort of smile and rolls his eyes, but his fingers are tapping against Dan's knee in an erratic, nervous sort of pattern. Dan wonders why Phil is always so hesitant about saying what he wants, but now isn't the time to delve into that.

"Dan," says Phil. "I want you to stick around."

"Good luck getting rid of me now, bitch," Dan crows, muffling Phil's surprised laugh with his own mouth.

If it's been years since Dan kissed another man, it's been nigh on a fucking decade since he kissed one without intending on getting his hands in their pants immediately. It's nice, making out on Phil's sofa with no place to be and no rush to a finish line. Dan moves his hands over Phil's chest, up his neck, into his hair, all while figuring out exactly how Phil likes to be kissed.

Phil is confident here, like in most things Dan has seen him do. His cool palm has long since slipped under Dan's shirt, pressing to the small of his back and soothing some of the overwhelming heat flaring just under his skin. He runs his tongue along Dan's like he already knows how to weaken him at the knees.

Eventually, though, they're reminded that an outside world exists. Dan has decided to sink his teeth just that little bit into Phil's lower lip and it gets a low noise out of Phil, which is enough to get their kiss broken by a sudden lapful of dog.

Thor barks at them, clearly unimpressed with being ignored, and Dan has to laugh.

"Hey, you," he giggles, scratching behind Thor's ears and helping him settle so he isn't in danger of falling off Dan's knees. "Look at you, cutie patootie, just wanna join the cuddle, huh?"

Phil exhales a laugh of his own, a little too close to Dan's ear. "Jesus. Sorry, he's a bit needy."

"Same," says Dan. "I don't mind."

The loss of Phil's hand on the small of his back is something Dan minds, at least until Phil cards his fingers through Dan's hair instead.

"I should take him outside," says Phil, a little apologetic.

"I'll pick a movie," Dan offers.

Phil smiles at him, eyes crinkling with it. Dan wants to kiss those thin lines at Phil's temple, so he does. "Sounds like a plan."

It takes a bit of effort to wiggle out from between Thor and Phil when neither of them seem inclined to help, but Dan flops on his back on the sofa once he does and laughs, feeling giddy with it. Phil leans over him to steal another lingering kiss.

"Mm, have a good walk," Dan mumbles against Phil's lips, resisting the urge to reach for him and keep him there.

Phil pulls back, still smiling at Dan. "We will. Don't pick a rom-com, alright?"

Honestly, Dan wasn't going to. He's a little surprised that Phil is offering an opinion without any prompting, though, so he raises his eyebrows.

"Why not?"

"Because I feel like I'm living one," Phil says dryly. "I'll be back in a bit, gotta get some of his energy out so he isn't doing the zoomies at three in the morning. You can take a shower if you want to, steal some pjs, whatever."

"Thanks, I'll gladly add more of your wardrobe to mine," says Dan. He smirks. "You want me to grab my jammies for you to steal?"

"Yeah," says Phil, easy.

Dan's heart does a little flip. "Okay, I will. Hurry back."

"I'll do what I can," says Phil. He grabs Thor's lead and then just looks at Dan for a moment, like he's memorizing the picture Dan makes, sprawled out on the sofa like he owns it. Only Thor whining at his feet shakes him out of it. "Right. Leaving. Be back soon."

Dan stretches out, feeling warmth curl his toes, and grins like an idiot at the ceiling. After he's done quite enough of that, he decides to get up and find pyjamas for both of them.

It's annoying to dig through his suitcase, because he doesn't exactly fold things when he's living out of it, but at least Phil isn't here to see the mess before it's packed away again. He grabs his well-worn Game of Thrones pyjama pants and doesn't bother with a shirt. All the ones in his bags are over Phil's fifteen quid preference, and Dan has absolutely no ulterior motives in hoping Phil doesn't grab one of his own shirts.

There's a dresser and a wardrobe in the small space of Phil's bedroom area, along with a big trunk at the foot of his bed. Dan isn't sure where to look, doesn't want to snoop. Well, okay, he does want to snoop, but only if Phil is in the room when he does so he can tease him in real time.

He's saved the trouble of looking through drawers by noticing some clothes kicked half under Phil's bed on the side by the window. Dan picks them up and sniffs them. He deems the clothes an acceptable level of clean before he starts to get changed. The cotton shorts are comfortable and the Friends t-shirt is so big that it surely hangs off Phil, even with his broader shoulders.

If Dan spends more time than usual fixing his hair and checking his teeth in the mirror, the houseplants are his only witnesses.

He fucks around on Phil's smart TV to find something to watch that isn't so interesting that they can't make out during it if they decide to. He gets up again and makes tea. While the kettle boils, he gives a droopy succulent some water from the tap. It just makes sense to do the same for every plant, after that.

What Dan doesn't do is turn on his phone.

He'll have to face it eventually, he knows that. He can't exist in a limbo where he hasn't come out to his mother so long as he doesn't check if she's responded. But right now he feels so safe and comfortable in Phil's home that he can't bring himself to have a panic attack just yet. So he keeps watering the plants, changes his mind twice on the film choice, and leaves his phone in the pocket of Phil's denim jacket, which is still hung up by the door.

By the time Phil gets back from his long walk with Thor, Dan has got mugs of tea steaming on the coffee table and has stolen Phil's duvet from the bed to wrap himself up in. He grins up at Phil from where he's curled on the couch.

"Good walk?" he asks, lips twitching when Phil outright laughs at him.

"Thor sure thought it was," Phil says, grinning wide as he shrugs his own jacket off. "Made yourself at home, have you?"

"Yeah," says Dan, unabashed.

Phil's grin softens into something that makes Dan want to blush. He leans over the back of the sofa to kiss Dan's forehead. "Good. Gonna get Thor a treat, hang on."

It's a quiet, comfortable sort of night. Dan doesn't think he's ever done this before, just cuddled up with someone and watched a badly-rated thriller that has both of them snickering into their mugs. Phil, rather unfortunately, does put on a shirt when he gets changed into Dan's pyjamas, but that might actually be a good thing. Dan is barely keeping his hands from wandering as it is.

Phil starts yawning before the movie is even over, folding himself closer and resting his head on Dan's chest. He seems like he's in very real danger of conking out by the time the credits are finished rolling, so Dan shakes him gently back to awareness.

"Hey," he murmurs, his voice sounding strange in the sudden quiet of the flat. "Let's go to bed."

"Okay," Phil agrees sleepily.

Despite the agreement, Dan has to physically guide Phil into a standing position. He squints at Dan and then sighs, rubbing at one of his eyes.

"You okay?"

"Gotta take out my contacts," Phil says. He pulls the duvet around Dan's shoulders and leans up to give him a slow, sweet kiss. "I'll be back, okay? Don't go anywhere."

Dan has to laugh. He never wants to be anywhere else again. "Where would I go?"

"I dunno," Phil says with a sleepy, beautiful grin. "Maybe aliens will kidnap you while I'm busy fingering my eyeballs."

"Hm, truly hate the way you said that," says Dan.

"I'll say what I please in my own home."

With another grin, Phil disappears into the bathroom. Dan waddles with the duvet until he can collapse in Phil's bed, breathing in the concentrated smell of cologne and shampoo and sweat and detergent. It surrounds him here, more than it does anywhere else in the flat, and Dan already knows it's going to be a struggle to leave this bed in the morning.

Phil is humming to himself when he comes back, a soft little tune that Dan doesn't recognise. The lamps get flicked off one by one, the candles blown out, until the whole flat is dark and a body is curling around Dan's under the covers.

"You're so warm," Phil says, sounding genuinely thrilled about it. He rubs his nose into Dan's collarbone and presses a kiss there, just above the scoop neck of his borrowed shirt. "I love that."

"Good," Dan yawns. He kisses Phil's forehead and wraps an arm around his waist to keep him close. "Now, shhh. It's bedtime."

--

Dan can't sleep.

It doesn't seem to matter that he's got a lightly-snoring man wrapped around him or that he's barely slept in days, his brain absolutely refuses to shut off.

He untangles himself from Phil, slow enough that he doesn't stir at all, and tries to feel his way through the flat without the use of light. His eyes have adjusted enough to the darkness that he doesn't injure himself, but he does trip a couple of times. That's probably inevitable, with the combination of his clown feet and Phil's things strewn everywhere.

There are a couple of jackets on the wall hooks, so Dan feels in the pockets and grabs the keys from one before donning the other. He spots a pair of eyes watching him from the floor, and he presses his finger to his lips like Thor could possibly understand.

Dan shoves his shoes on and takes the keys with him. The last thing he wants to do is get locked out on the London pavement in the middle of the night.

It isn't too cold out, but Dan is glad for the jacket. His borrowed shorts are letting far too much of a breeze in. He just sits on Phil's stoop for a long moment, breathing in the pollution of the city, before he finally acknowledges the weight in his jacket pocket that had him staring at the ceiling while Phil slept soundly.

His hands are shaking, but not from the chill of the night air, as he reaches into his pocket and turns on his phone.

The time it takes for Dan's phone to turn on and new texts to come in is only half a minute at most, but Dan can feel nervous sweat gathering at his temples. He waits until the vibrations of delayed texts have stopped before he takes the phone out of his pocket.

He's got a couple of messages from Jaime and Patrick and Amy, and surely his costars and agent are telling him important things he should care about, but he's only really looking for one thing. He taps once, twice.

Nothing. Nothing from his mum.

Dan feels a lump in his throat, staring at the bolded read receipt under his last text.

Basically I'm gay.

He's not sure what possesses him to do it. The fact is, though, that there's only one person on the planet who could have an accurate guess about what his parents are thinking right now. Without even thinking about the time of night, Dan hits call on the first name on his alphabetical contact list.

The line rings three, four, five times, and Dan has resigned himself to leaving an awkward voicemail when the sixth ring is cut off with a loud yawn into the receiver.

"Daniel?" his brother asks, tired and bewildered and, fuck, this was a bad idea.

Dan can hardly hang up on him now, though. He laughs, a little watery, and looks up at the dark sky. "Hi, kid."

"Do you know what time it is in Switzerland?" asks Adrian. "I know you're in a different time zone, but you could look a bloody clock before you call."

"You're in Switzerland?" God, Dan truly doesn't know anything about his brother.

"Can I help you?" Adrian asks pointedly instead of answering the rather obvious question.

They're not close, but. Adrian grew up under the same roof that Dan did. He'll understand why Dan called him, if Dan can only manage to get the word past his lips again. At least if Adrian reacts badly, Dan won't have to work very hard to cut him out of his life. He chokes on a laugh that comes out more like a sob and pulls his cold knees to his chest.

"Daniel?" Adrian asks again, sounding more awake now. "Hey, did something happen?"

"I just," Dan gets out, almost gasping with the force of it. He's not even tearing up, but it wouldn't take much to push him over that edge. "I. Adrian, I'm gay."

There's a beat of silence. Then, Adrian says, "Okay. Thanks for telling me. Are you on a ledge or something, mate?"

Dan laughs despite himself at the morbid joke. He didn't expect that from his little brother, who's still more or less thirteen forever in Dan's mind even though they see each other every Christmas. "Fuck. No, I just, I told mum earlier. Well, okay, I texted mum earlier, and she left me on read."

"That's shit," says Adrian. "You alright?"

"I'll be better when she fucking says something," Dan says, staring at one of the streetlights across the road until the glare is imprinted on his vision. "Do you think..."

It's not a question. Dan doesn't even bother finishing it, but he doesn't have to. Adrian grew up there, too.

"I don't know," Adrian says bluntly. "I'm pretty sure mum will be cool."

Yeah. So is Dan.

"Hope so," Dan says instead of the terrifying truth hanging over the connection between them. He clears his throat, trying to get the lump out of it. "So, like, come hang out in Georgia sometime if I'm not allowed to come to Christmas. I can't mail vegan cookies."

"Don't be a twat," says Adrian. "You can mail them just fine."

Dan laughs. "Fuck off."

"You fuck off, it's four in the goddamn morning." Adrian laughs, too, and this whole call feels ridiculous.

"Sorry for waking you," Dan says, scuffing his toe against the step below him.

"Sorry our parents are shit sometimes," says Adrian, dry. Dan had no idea his brother was this funny. Maybe he should call more. There's another long moment of quiet. It should be awkward, maybe, but something about the surreal quality of Dan's whole day and the insomnia leading up to it just makes everything a little hazy. Eventually, Adrian speaks. "You know, I think we should really aim to refuse to inherit dysfunction. We need to learn new ways of living instead of just repeating what we've been through, you know?"

Dan blinks. Another laugh is bubbling up in his chest, but he doesn't let it escape. "Er, what?"

"Something I read," Adrian says. "Can't remember who said it, since it's four in the fucking morning, did I mention?"

They're not close. They didn't grow up together as much as they grew up near each other in the same home, the same mess. But Adrian's faux-deep pontificating makes Dan realise that they might have grown into adults with similar interests and habits. He doesn't know what to do with that information, but it makes him feel the weirdest sense of pride.

"You mentioned," says Dan. He has no idea how he'd ever try to explain this dynamic to Phil. Maybe Christmas with the Lesters is the best option. "I get the message, I'll fuck off. And I'll try not to, uh, inherit dysfunction or whatever."

"Yeah, alright," Adrian says, then pauses. "If... if it is, like, bad. I'll come to Georgia for Christmas instead."

Fuck. Now Dan can absolutely feel tears welling up. "You don't have to do that. Imagine how grandma would feel if neither of us came home."

"She can come, too, after she's done whooping dad's arse." Adrian cackles at his own joke. It's a familiar enough sound, one Dan hears himself make all the time, and in this sleep-deprived state, Dan thinks it might be the only thing of worth they got from their father.

"Thanks, kid," Dan says, wiping at his eyes.

"Yeah," Adrian says on a loud yawn. "You gonna be alright?"

"Yeah," Dan echoes. He swallows hard. "I'm in London, actually. At - at my boyfriend's. So I'm not, like, alone in crisis or anything."

"Well, fuck, go wake him up and stop bothering me, then."

Dan chuckles and takes another deep breath. It's easier, now, some of the weight lifted off his chest. They aren't really the type to say it as a sign off, but Dan is full to the brim with affection and guilt right now, so. "Love you."

"You, too," says Adrian, audibly taken aback. After a moment, the line goes dead without any further niceties between them. Dan isn't offended.

He sits outside for a few more minutes before he feels okay enough to go back inside. He takes the stairs carefully and lets himself into Phil's flat. Thor makes a little rumble of a noise but doesn't bark, thankfully.

"Shhh, it's just me," Dan whispers. He hangs the jacket up and kicks his shoes off, patting Thor's soft head on his way back to bed.

It's safe and warm under the blankets. Dan wraps his arms around Phil's pliant body and pulls him closer, needing human contact in a way he can't explain. He doesn't think Phil minds too much, if the way he unconsciously grabs at Dan in an octopus hold is any indication.

Dan closes his eyes, buries his nose in Phil's hair, and lets himself sleep.

[paradisobound]

World’s Greatest First Love: Chapter 5

Summary: Dan Howell wanted a clean break from his father’s publishing company. It was why he applied for a different company in London: to stop the ridicule of his coworkers for riding on his ‘daddy’s coat tails’. But he wasn’t expecting to suddenly be going from a literature editor, to a graphic novel editor. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to come face first with his first love who broke his heart from when he was a teenager: who just happens to be his new editor-in-chief.

Based on the Anime and Manga “The World’s Greatest First Love: The Case of Ritsu Onodera” aka Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi

Rating: Mature (For Now)

Word Count: 3.2k (this chapter)

Warnings: Drinking/Drunk Interactions 

Beta Read by: @phanandpenguins​

Updates Every Tuesday and Saturday at 1pm EST

READ ON AO3 | READ ON WATTPAD

The wind billows against the window of the library as the rain hits harder and harder. It’s coming down hard outside, and that freaks Dan out a bit, knowing he has to walk home in it. He doesn���t even think he brought an umbrella.

He looks down at his forgotten English homework on the table in front of him and looks between the window and the male sitting in front of him. His eyes are blue as ever, his lips curled into a soft smile, and his black hair falling over his forehead.

But yet, Dan can’t quite make out who it is. The face is unrecognizable, the features a blur. He feels his chest tighten and he lets out a loud gasp.

Dan sits up in bed, heaving loud breaths as he fists portions of his hair in his hands and wills himself to calm down. It was just a dream. A really dumb dream again about high school and about Phil.

He hadn’t had a dream like that in so long that it almost felt more surreal. When he was living in America, studying at the private school in Long Island, he had these dreams all the time, nearly every day. He would fall asleep every night and dream of the faceless figure with the stark features.

But now that he knows that the figure was Phil, his heart beats a little harder, a little faster, and he feels like he might have a proper panic attack. He lays back down into bed, his head hitting his thin pillow, and he looks at the alarm clock on the bedside table.

It’s half past five in the morning. He should really try and get more sleep, but Dan also knows that he has to finish an important proposal to turn in to Phil at seven. So he throws back his comforter and turns the light on next to him. His naked torso shivers as the cool air in his apartment hits his skin and he grabs the first sweatshirt he sees on the floor and puts it on.

Dan doesn’t even want to look at where the rest of his close are scattered. He knows his room is a mess. His apartment is still a mess...his entire life is a mess at this point. He feels like he doesn’t even have control over his life anymore.

What happened to the promising young heir to the Howell Publishing Company? The kid that everyone talked about, that everyone was excited to see come into fruition?

Oh, yeah, he died the minute he got his heartbroken by a fuckboy in high school, that’s what happened.

Dan walked into his bathroom, relieved himself quickly and brushed his teeth, and then hopped over to the shower where he turned on the tap to nearly the hottest setting. He got inside the spray, his clothes dropped behind him in a pile on the floor, and let the searing water touch his skin. It probably wasn’t healthy, to be showering in water this hot, but yet the slight pain and ache that it gave him definitely felt worth it.

In the end, he turned the water a bit cooler and then stood under the spray for a while, just letting the water cleanse him.

***

“No.”

Dan blinks a few times and then furrows his brows. What do you mean no?

“What?” He asks, genuinely confused.

Phil hands him back the proposal form and shakes his head, “That’s not a good proposal so I’m rejecting it.”

In the background, Dan can hear the other workers snicker about the newbie being rejected by Phil. Dan feels his cheeks heat up. It’s been a long time since he’s been rejected for something, let alone rejected by Phil. What was so wrong with the way he wrote his proposal? He wrote it the same way that the examples that Phil gave him told him to write it.

He literally followed them step by step.

“Why isn’t it?” Dan presses, taking the proposal form back from Phil. “You didn’t even look at it, you just skimmed it.”

That part was true. Right before Phil had told him a firm no, Dan had seem him take the form, glance over it, and then immediately reject it. Had he even taken the time to read what Dan had actually written?

Contrary to what Phil must be thinking right now, Dan did put a lot of effort into this. It was his first time ever doing one because at his fathers company, the sales department took care of the proposals for the books. Apparently this company was not like that.

“Well, to start with, you’re not detailed enough,” Phil says. “Where it asks for how you plan to promote the book, you have ‘posters’. That’s not going to be detailed enough for the sales department. Are you doing a signing? Signed posters? Is the author going to do something with these posters? What about commercials? You never even mentioned commercials for it.”

“Oh, well, I can make that more detailed,” Dan countered. “That’s not going to--”

“And!” Phil interrupts, “You’re not proving to the sales department why your specific graphic novel is worth the money thats going to be put into it. You need to convince them that they’re not going to make a mistake publishing your book. Right now, you don’t have an argument and the sales department is going to eat you alive.”

Dan feels humiliated, like he failed a simple task. He feels like he let his author down, who has been working so hard on finishing her piece. He also feels like he failed the company, he failed Phil...he failed himself.

“Dan…”

Phil’s voice cuts through Dan’s head and he sees Phil staring up at him with a soft expression reading on his face, “It’s okay. Every editor here has had their first proposal rejected. It’s not as big of a deal as you probably think it is. It’ll be okay.”

Dan feels like a child, wanting to shrug his shoulders and bellow out it’s not going to be okay! But he knows he can’t do that, because that’s not reasonable. He needs to take a few deep breaths and refocus.

“Your proposal isn’t due until the end of the day today to the sales department,” Phil continues. “Take the time today to work on it. Fix all the mistakes I told you about and then have me look over it a few more times. Really, I promise it’s going to be okay.”

Dan nods his head and forces a smile as he turns on his heels and walks over to his desk. He pulls his laptop out of his bag and sets it on his workspace. He opens the file that he needs with his proposal in it and he begins to slowly rework it.

Nearly two hours into the revising, he can see how much better the proposal is looking with the advice that Phil gave him. He’s coming up with actual reasons on why his authors book deserves to be marketed and sold by their company after editing it. He knows now that the sales department can’t possibly reject this version.

He’s typing away, lost in his own little world as he finishes up the last part of the proposal when a chair is put next to him and he looks over his shoulder to see Phil sitting down. He leans his arm on the desk and looks down at Dan’s laptop.

“Let me see what you have,” Phil says, grabbing the laptop and yanking it from under Dan’s fingers.

“But I wasn’t finished.”

Phil just shook his head and scrolled to the top of the file and began reading it. He fixed a few mistakes as he went, but by the end, the look on his face read as satisfied to Dan. He seriously felt so much relief from that.

“It’s much better,” Phil says. “Finish the last part, give me a printed copy to look over once more and then we’ll bring it to sales.”

He stands up from his chair and puts it back where he took it from and walks back over to his desk. Dan smiles to himself as he finishes the last paragraph, and then hits print in the corner.

Dan makes his way to the printer and picks up the fresh copy of his proposal and he can already feel a much bigger weight lifted off from his shoulders.

***

“Congratulations on getting your first proposal approved by the sales department!”

Dan is putting away his belongings into his bag, ready to go home for the day. He’s actually able to leave a bit early which makes him feel really good for once. He turns to Mitch who is still sitting at his desk, working on his own manuscript for his author.

“Oh, thank you,” Dan answers. “I didn’t realize it was that difficult to have your book be sold.”

Mitch let out a laugh and leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms up in the air, “Onyx is a tough company to please,” Mitch says. “It’s really hard to get your proposals and everything approved the first time. Even I didn’t get mine approved the first time.”

“Oh no. Really?” Dan asks, feeling genuinely sympathetic for Mitch.

Mitch shrugs, “It’s not a big deal or anything. But I also didn’t have the help of Phil either.”

“Oh?”

“Phil wasn’t here yet when I started working here,” Mitch says. “When I started working here, the editor in chief was a guy named Bradley. He was never organized and he was a complete prick. Hated dealing with him. When Phil was named the new editor in chief, we all thought Phil was going to be the same way. But Phil actually took our branch and turned it completely around,” Mitch says. “I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Sapphire is the leading graphic novel branch right now in the London. No wonder we’re always busy with new authors and paperwork. We were always the last choice until Phil got here.”

Dan took in Mitch’s words and felt a warm feeling deepen in his core. He doesn’t know why, but it felt really warming to learn about how Phil turned this branch around. He hadn’t honestly heard about any of that.

“Anyway,” Mitch continues, “I’m sure you want to get home so I’ll save this convo for another time.”

Dan just laughs and nods and finishes grabbing his stuff. He stuffs everything into his bag and puts it on his shoulder as he grabs his coat and heads out for the evening.

It’s not as cold in London tonight as it normally is. It feels nice, the wind doesn’t burn his cheeks. He walks for a while, not quite wanting to take the tube right away as it was actually still daylight for once as when he left work. Albeit not for long it wouldn’t be, but it was nice for the time being.

As he walks to the station, he passes by a W.H Smith and he suddenly feels like he wants to go inside and check out some of the books. Now that he works for Onyx, he definitely wants to check out what books are actually being published by the different departments of the company.

He walks inside and takes a look around at all of the different books. He lets out a deep breath and makes his way up the stairs to where the rest of the books are and he heads to a stack of new books in the corner on the table. He picks one up and looks at the binding and laughs when he sees Onyx Publishing on the bottom.

It’s satisfying in a way to know that the company he works for is actually producing books that he can find in a bookstore. He goes to pick up another one when he hears his name called from behind him. He turns and sees a short female with brown hair and instantly, he knows it’s Kelsey.

“Kels!” Dan says, extending his arms open as Kelsey gives him a quick hug, “How are you?”

“I’m great but how are you?” Kelsey asks. “I haven’t heard from you since you left the company.”

Dan worked with Kelsey at his dad’s publishing company and she was the only coworker he got along with. She was nice and friendly and always willing to help him when he struggled with anything. He relied on her and he knew he was going to be sad when he left her behind to work at Onyx.

“It’s not going too bad,” Dan admits. “I’m editing graphic novels though which I never expected.”

Kelsey cocked her head, “Graphic novels? What?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Let’s go for some dinner and drinks then!” Kelsey says, “We need to catch up anyway.”

***

In hindsight, Dan should have known after the first drink that things were going to go south because he hadn’t ate anything the entire day. His body was drumming with the alcohol and he was already feeling a bit cloudy in his head.

“What is it like working with graphic novels?” Kelsey asks, picking up the last bite of her food with her fork. “Is it easier then working with novels?”

Dan shakes his head, “It’s hard. There are a lot of components to it.”

“Oh really?” Kelsey asks. “They seem like they would easier.”

Dan nods, “I know. But they have like a complete storyboard and everything with them. You have to have the manuscript with the dialogue and the plot points and then after they submit that to you and you approve it, they do the storyboard and that gets approved and then piecing them all together is a whole different story.”

“Sounds tough.”

“It is.”

Kelsey lets out a snort and then downs the rest of her mimosa.

“What is it like working for Onyx?” Kelsey asks, suddenly. “Is it different than working for your dad?”

Dan raises his head up a bit because his reaction is say yes, this is 100% different but then as he actually thinks about the question, he realizes that maybe it isn’t? Yeah, working for his dad was a totally different area than working for something like Phil but…

“It is,” He finally says. “It’s a lot different.”

The door to the bar opens and a bell rings in the air and most patrons turn their heads, Dan included. At first he doesn’t see anyone, so he just dips his head back down but then Kelsey suddenly gwawks, “Oh my! That’s Phil Lester!”

Dan’s head immediately picked up and he saw Phil walking to an empty table with a woman by his side. They were laughing, looking like they were having a good time and for some reason, that really made Dan’s heart race.

“You know him?” Dan asks.

Kelsey nods her head, “Of course! He’s considered one of the best editors in London. He’s fantastic. I knew of him briefly when we worked together but I never spoke to him.” She turns her head towards his table. “He’s with someone. Not all that shocking. I always heard he was a bit of...you know.”

Dan’s stomach turns a bit more but he tries to ignore it long enough to say, “He’s my editor in chief.”

“He’s your editor in chief?” Kelsey asks, her voice higher in pitch. “Why didn’t you bring this up earlier? That’s such a big deal. What is it like to work for him? Is he tough?”

“Phil is…”

“Phil is what?”

Dan whips his head around just in time to see the person in question standing behind his chair with a grin on his face. Dan’s cheeks flush and he opens his mouth to speak but Phil interrupts, “I’m being serious. What were you gonna say about me?”

“I...I was just gonna say that you’re easy to work for,” Dan stutters.

Phil lets out a laugh and then reaches out and gently pats Dan’s shoulder, “Keep telling yourself that,” he teases.

He turns on his heels and walks the other way and Dan definitely now feels like he’s too sober for this. So he raises his head and calls over a waitress and order a few more drinks to take off the edge.

Dan is proper pissed by the time he leaves the bar with Kelsey. She is too but they help each other get a taxi to their apartments. Dan says his goodbye to her and then gets out at his stop and staggers his way inside.

He manages to get his key out to unlock his apartment door just in time for the elevator doors to open and for Phil to step out from behind them, walking a lot straighter than Dan just was.

“You get back okay?” Phil asks and Dan starts to laugh because to him, that’s a dumb question. He’s at his apartment door isn’t he?

Phil reaches out and helps Dan steady his hand long enough to get his key into the slot to turn it. Dan pushes the door open and goes to stagger inside when Phil speaks again, “Are you going to be okay being here by yourself for the night?”

Dan turns his head and when he comes face to face with Phil, his mind instantly starts going back to Phil being with that woman earlier. To him eating dinner with her and sitting with her and laughing with her all night as Dan watched with a sick stomach from the across the room. His blood begins to boil and he suddenly scoffs as he barks out, “Why do you care?”

Phil’s eyes change and soften and then he shakes his head a bit, “What do you mean? Of course I care about you, Dan. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you had that girl you were with tonight. That’s why. You can’t be after me if you’re dating someone else.”

Phil’s mouth opens and shuts and then his brows tighten, “What on Earth...Dan, she is my author. She’s my author who I’m mentoring. She wanted to meet up to go over her storyboard corrections and since we both worked so late in the day, we decided it would be best to grab some dinner and some drinks. There is nothing else going on.”

Dan’s cheeks flush and he tries to hide the obvious guilt he feels in his stomach from accusing Phil of being with anyone because...why is that any of his business? He doesn't like Phil...like that. Not anymore. He hasn’t in ten years so why did he suddenly feel so jealous seeing Phil with someone else? He doesn’t understand.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe he just really doesn’t understand what is happening but he also doesn’t want to find out. He begins to shuffle inside his door when Phil stops him and says, “Make sure you’re sobered up by tomorrow morning. Don’t forget that you have a meeting with your proposal to go over it. It won’t look good for either of us if you stagger in late and hungover.”

Dan doesn’t say anything else. He just nods quickly and then spits out a goodbye and rushes into his apartment, shutting the door behind him. He sinks to the floor and puts his head in his hands because he needs to get this shit figured out.

[clumsyphilip]

It’s In The Eyes

Hiding that you’re in love with your best friend can be difficult at the best of times, add in the fact that every time you’re together the internet makes endless gifs of your “heart eyes” and it can be impossible.

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: None! (Well, like one swear word)

A/N: Honestly this was just an excuse to reference their constant love eyes at each other because it’s literally cute af

Dan’s been in love with Phil for as long as he’s known him.

Maybe even before that. As far as Dan can remember he’s had at least a crush on Phil from the moment he first saw him on camera and it’s never really changed. Obviously, their relationship’s developed as they have and he’s gone from being some secret internet fanboy to Phil’s best friend and whilst he’s always felt lucky to just be a part of his life, he can’t help but wish for something more.

And he’s always assumed that if they’re right together then they’ll figure it out, but the problem is that he wants Phil now, and it’s getting harder to hide.

He can’t seem to help himself. Everything that Phil does completely amazes him because he does everything so well and sometimes he just can’t stop himself from staring, he notices himself staring at Phil a lot.

But the cut of his jawline above his slender neck and broad shoulders is hard not to stare at. As are his blue eyes in harmony with his pale skin; long, dark eyelashes brushing stark cheekbones every time he blinks and Dan catches himself just taking Phil in far too often.

The problems start when it becomes second nature and he does it on camera, and the internet catches it too.

Now, he finds himself frozen part way down his tumblr dashboard, unable to scroll any further as he looks in horror at the gif set in front of him. There he is, looking at Phil as if his face is the first one he’s ever seen.

The only saving grace is that gif-set Phil seems oblivious to it as he plays The Sims, blissfully unaware that his supposed best friend is looking at him with that much intent. Though, Dan feels his fingertips turn cold at the realisation that there’s a fairly high chance that Phil might stumble on one of these gif sets and ask him about it and right on cue Phil decides to remind Dan that he’s sat in the same room as he is.

“Christ Dan, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Phil chuckles from the other end of their sofa. Dan slams his laptop lid down before he can even think about how suspicious he looks, blushing when Phil raises an eyebrow at him.

“It was nothing.” Dan laughs nervously. “Just a kind of creepy video.”

“Creepy how?”

“Like... Conspiracy theories and stuff.” He feels his blush turn deeper as he lies, knowing that he sounds completely unconvincing but trying to divert Phil’s attention for a moment. “Have you had dinner?”

“No actually, wondered if you fancied pizza?” Phil smiles easily as he looks away from Dan and back to his MacBook to edit his video. Taking a moment to marvel at him before shaking his head lightly, Dan stands up.

“I’ll grab drinks, you order.” He says, leaving the room quickly.

He sighs with relief once he’s out of Phil’s earshot, glad that he’s managed having to avoid explaining himself, for now. 

But he’ll have to be more careful.

--------

“Are you nearly done with that video yet?” Phil asks, poking his head around the door to their gaming room and making Dan jump.

“We need to get you a bell or something.” He mumbles. “But I actually just uploaded it.”

Phil gives him a thumbs up and an exaggerated smile before ducking out of the room to presumably go and sit back down now that he doesn’t have to worry about Dan’s lazy editing habits anymore. He knows that Phil’s gotten a bit curious as to why he’s volunteered to edit every gaming video they’ve done for the past two weeks but he just needs to make sure that no more clips of him staring at Phil make it onto the internet.

Honestly, he’s seeing more and more of them and he doesn’t understand how people can be quite so perceptive but it’s a problem because it’s getting harder to hide it from Phil. Despite knowing that he shouldn’t be staring like that, it doesn’t seem to stop him and trying to prevent Phil from seeing any of the gifs, or worse seeing it in person, is becoming increasingly difficult.

The trend seems to have caught on and now people are calling him “heart eyes Howell” and they’re tweeting it to Phil, who thankfully hasn’t mentioned it.

Dan pushes him up from his desk chair and shakes his legs out as he stretches his back, walking lazily into the living room and collapsing in the seat next to Phil.

Phil looks at him and opens his mouth but quickly closes it again to look back at his laptop, then he looks back to Dan again, then away, then back again and Dan pokes him lightly.

“Have I got something on my face?” He asks jokingly, smiling as Phil looks down in slight embarrassment.

“No, no it’s nothing.” 

“Come on.” Dan encourages, poking Phil’s arm again for good measure, making him laugh.

“It really is nothing, just well- have I got something on my face?” Phil turns his laptop to face Dan as he speaks, showing him a clip of the video that he literally just uploaded where Dan is just staring contentedly at the side of Phil’s face.

Dan feels his entire stomach flip, heat flaring through his chest and arms and making its way up to his face to light up his cheeks in a hot blush, he looks up at Phil and feels his insides constrict because he can’t help but appreciate how he looks now too. A half smile sits on his face delicately and he looks at Dan with such softness that Dan could almost swear that he was trying to take him in too.

“No.” Dan forces out after a while. “I didn’t even notice that, I must have just zoned out or something.”

Phil hums as if he’s thinking about whether he’s happy with Dan’s excuse or not, looking him up and down to try and gauge whether he’s lying. Doing his best to keep a straight face, Dan relaxes when Phil finally smiles over at him, bright and beaming.

“That’s so you.” He chuckles, going back to scroll through his twitter feed.

“Are they happy with it?” Dan asks, desperate to change the subject to just about anything else. 

“I think so.” Phil mutters absentmindedly, clearly not paying that much attention to him anymore.

Dan’s body doesn’t seem to want to calm down, still tingling as Phil drops the subject that his mind can’t seem to. How had he missed that in editing when he’d been trying so hard to notice it?

Grabbing his phone, he too opens twitter to look at the reaction to the video, trying desperately to calm down the nerves he feels over being caught by Phil and using all of his will power not to look back over at him.

He’s trying so hard not to look at Phil, in fact, that he doesn’t quite catch it when Phil begins to stare back at him.

--------

Weeks pass and nothing happens.

Nothing except that Dan notices Phil starting to coin a nickname of his own from the fans and he begins to see the term “love eyes Lester” thrown around almost as much as he see’s “heart eyes Howell”. Though when he watches the videos, and maybe he’s started following a few phan accounts “just to keep track of it all”, he can’t help but think that he looks at Phil with just more than when Phil looks at him.

It disappoints him, though he’s not sure why.

He knows Phil well enough to know that his feelings are unrequited, though it doesn’t stop him wishing otherwise. He’s been trying to talk himself out of being in love with Phil for quite literally years and come to find that it just doesn’t work like that.

Though coming to terms with it makes it hurt less every time Phil goes on a date, or calls him his “friend” or “roommate”, or leaves him on his own when he goes to see his family, Dan still occasionally feels a pang in his stomach or a tightening in his chest when he remembers the nature of their relationship. 

It’s not like he hasn’t tried to hint at more over the years. He’s tried to subtly get more touchy with Phil, only for Phil to look uncomfortable the entire time, and he’s definitely tried to make a drunken move and pass it off as the alcohol but Phil manages to just laugh it off and never mention it again. 

Eventually it made sense to stop hinting and either drop it completely or at least let Phil move at his own pace, though he hasn’t exactly decided which one of those he’s doing now.

As it is, tonight’s one of those nights where his chest feels tighter than normal because Phil’s away and he's counting down every minute that passes until he finally gets a Skype call.

He taps his fingers on the desk mindlessly as he stares at his computer, deciding that if he’s going to talk to Phil then he’s going to do it properly like he would for a liveshow. Staring at the little clock in the corner, he watches as another minute ticks by and Phil still doesn’t call him, slouching back in his chair and sighing loudly.

“Come on.” He whisper to himself, jumping when a ringtone goes off almost simultaneously, Phil’s name flashing across the monitor. “Magic.” 

He answers the call instantly, giving Phil a dorky wave and laughing as Phil mimics the gesture. 

“How’s the great north?” Dan asks, unable to take the smile off his face as Phil shakes his head at him.

“Cold and full of strange creatures.” He wriggles his fingers as he speaks before covering his mouth to hide his tongue as it pops out when he smiles at Dan again.

“And the Lester clan?” 

“All good! I actually can’t stay for long because we’re all having dinner soon but I just thought I’d check in.”

“I’m not a child.” Dan rolls his eyes, trying to hide the way that his whole mood brightened at the fact that Phil called to check that he’s okay and not just because he’s bored.

“I know, I know.”

Dan hears Phil’s mum call something from outside the room and Phil sighs as he tilts his head towards the door to hear her better. 

“Yeah, I will do!” He calls at the door, sighing even louder when he turns back to Dan. “Right so this is really embarrassing but she’s forcing me to say something to you.”

“Okay?” 

There’s a silent moment as Phil stares at the ceiling before looking back at the webcam to speak to Dan again. 

“Mum saw me staring at you in our latest video and says I should apologise because ‘staring is rude’”

As hard as he tries, Dan can’t hide the laugh that bubbles it’s way up his chest and out of his mouth, only getting louder as he sees the blush covering Phil’s face on the other end.

“Stop laughing at me!” He says exasperatedly.

“Sorry but that’s actually priceless, Phil.” Dan chokes out between laughs. “You actually got made to apologise by your mum for looking at me.”

“Please, make this more embarrassing.”

“Alright I’ll stop, but you will literally never live that down.”

They both quieten as Dan tries to stop himself from laughing anymore and Phil just watches him through the screen, he looks at Dan with one eyebrow raised for a moment before he shrugs and lowers it again.

“Maybe I can see what she means, it is kind of weird to be stared at like that.” He says.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re staring at me now.”

Dan coughs in surprise before he regains enough composure to speak again. “We’re on a video call, what are you expecting me to do?”

“Most people just look at themselves.”

“Most people are vain.”

“Alright.” Phil shrugs, tilting his head towards his door once again. “Right that’s my cue, I might call you tomorrow if I get time but I’m off for now.”

“Okay, have fun!” Dan smiles, secretly letting out a sigh of relief that Phil’s getting called away so he can’t question him anymore. They both give the same over-animated waves that they did when the conversation started and then the screen goes black and Dan’s left staring at his own face.

He goes about the rest of his evening, and it takes him nearly half an hour until the wind gets knocked out of him with the realisation that Phil’s mum had noticed Phil staring at him. Apparently, he’s that obvious too.

Just as quickly as hope began to rise in Dan’s chest, he pushes it down again because he’s not a teenager and just because his friend looks at him doesn’t mean that they’re looking at him.

He tries to put it out of his mind for the rest of the evening. Unsuccessfully.

--------

Dan’s not sure what in the world he’s done but suddenly Phil doesn’t seem interested in him. It’s not like he’s mad or they’re not getting on but Phil just isn’t really around anymore.

They film a video and then he goes straight to his room, or he makes them both dinner but then eats it alone, saying that he needs some “quality time” to himself. Which Dan would understand, but it’s constant lately.

He’s taken to staying in his room in the evenings because waiting for Phil in their living room every night was beginning to feel desperate and he needs to feel like he’s isolating himself on purpose and not because he’s not being given any other choice. 

Also, he’s noticed that in their videos Phil seems stiff, wooden almost. Not in a way that anyone but Dan would notice but the thing that stands out the most to him is that Phil doesn’t look at him at all, doesn’t even glance in his direction for the duration of every video they’ve filmed for the past two weeks and Dan just cannot figure out what it is that’s changed.

Since they Skyped, who stares at who hasn’t been brought up once and Dan assumed that it was forgotten but Phil’s avoidance to look at Dan seems just too deliberate to be coincidental but Dan can’t think of a non-awkward way to bring the topic up.

So he just sits in his room alone, hoping that eventually Phil will go back to normal and they can forget the whole thing.

He’s halfway through a bowl of pasta before he hears a knock at his door, and he almost throws his food halfway across the room with the urgency at which he gets up to answer it, running to the door.

He pulls the door open quickly to a clearly sleepy, and frankly adorable, Phil on the other side. Phil’s staring down at his feet and wringing his hands together, long fingers entwining with one another as he drags his gaze upwards to fixate on Dan.

Their eyes meet immediately and they stare into each other. Dan does his best to control his breathing, but eventually has to break the gaze before he gives himself away.

“We need to talk about it.” Phil mumbles, dropping his own eyes back down to the floor. Dan shifts uncomfortably.

“About wha-”

“About the staring.” 

Phil looks to Dan quickly before looking away again, eyes darting around the room but not focussing on anything in particular as Dan tries to take a moment to collect his thoughts.

About the staring.

Fuck.

“About what staring?” He asks innocently. Maybe, he thinks, if he can downplay this one more time he can get away with it for good and it can be forgotten. Ultimately he can’t mess things up with Phil over something as simple as looking at him.

Though he knows that he doesn’t just look at him, he admires him. And it’s all over his face.

“There you go again, staring at me, it always seems like you want to...”

“Like I want to what?”

Dan’s heart hammers against his ribcage as he comes to the decision that this is his moment. It’s too late to pretend he doesn’t know anymore; all or nothing, do or die, this is it.

He mentally prepares himself for what he’s about to do and takes one more longing look at Phil to drink him in as much as he can. Ruffled hair, tired eyes and perfection in front of him, hopefully thinking the same as he is because if not... Well, best not to think about if not.

“Well.” Phil mutters, reconnecting his gaze with Dan’s and shuffling slightly closer to him. “Like you want-”

His sentence is cut short as Dan takes a final steadying breath before surging forwards to kiss Phil, bringing a hand up to cup the back of his head gently as he does so. Bracing himself for Phil to push him away. He can only try to contain his smile as Phil melts in his touch instead, taking the other step forward so that he can wrap an arm around Dan’s waist to pull him closer.

Dan feels his body ignite, warmth spreading from his fingertips into his core as Phil presses his lips against Dan’s, moving them needily as he pulls lightly on his hip, free hand resting round his neck in an attempt to pull him closer.

They kiss sweetly for a while, light brushes of their lips that leave them both tingling with goosebumps forming wherever the other one touches them before Phil breaks it, pulling away slowly and opening his eyes to meet Dan’s again.

“Like you want to do that.” He sighs happily, beaming at Dan.

“As if you can talk, love eyes Lester.” Dan teases, enjoying the way that Phil looks away from him coyly. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you too.”

“Shut up, heart eyes Howell.”

--------

A/N: so i literally just wrote this on a complete whim because i got the idea and ran with it and now here it is, written at 1 a.m so sorry for any mistakes!

i really hope you enjoyed this one as it was fab to write, please let me know your thoughts if you like and thank you for reading!!

other fics can be found (here) ❤️

[georgiabread]

98 or 99 ;3

simmer down

prompt: 98 - “Take a deep breath.”

a/n: for @p-hantasticpheels. this one is slightly longer and more average than i’d hoped, but i hope you enjoy it and thanks for asking ily :))

send me prompts!

Dan’s footis falling asleep under his bum. He can feel the pin-pricks like raindropsinside his socks. How long it’s stayed there, he doesn’t know. Two hours or so?He’s been immersed in his writing for a while; the butt chair has started toprod at his bones, and he can’t remember when it got dark. But he ignores thediscomfort of it all, eyes suction-cupped to the ironic fanfiction on hiscomputer screen.

But rightnow, he isn’t writing. Cumbersome fingers twitch against the surface of thekeys. His brain is blank, his imagination zone fizzled out. Three-quarters ofthe way in, his story comes to an abrupt stop mid-sentence. Dan has no ideawhere to go next.

He thoughta story with homoerotic undertones about Phil coming back from the dead as avampire would be easy to write. His audience does it every second day, andthey’re teenagers. But even creatingsomething this low-quality is a struggle. There are plot and characters tothink about, and there’s writer’s block and the actual forming of ideas. And Dan– eyes damp around the edges from the monitor’s glare, watching the cursor blinkon his document, willing the words to write themselves – feels on the verge ofgiving up.

A drawn-outsigh leaves his lips, and he mumbles, “I’ve been staring at this screen for toolong, are my eyes bleeding?”

Only a fewrooms away and crammed into a Skype window in the top right corner of hisscreen is Phil. Elbow on the desk, chin propped up in hand, he pauses for amoment and types something on his own computer. “That’s another sentence for Things Overheard,” he announcesunenthusiastically. “And yes. I can see it running down your face. Must be asign of sleep deprivation.”

“Oh, sodoff. D’ya wanna make me a coffee?”

“Dan, we’regetting dangerously close to one AM. I’m not making you a coffee.”

“Please, Phil. Or I’ll never get thisdone.”

“Nocaffeine at bedtime, you know that. Besides, you’re closest to the kitchen.”

“Rude. Ibet you’ve got five steps less than me. Go on.”

“You go on.I’m not your slave.” Phil stretcheshis mouth around the word.

“I’mliterally ten inches deep in this story right now. I can’t break focus.”

“I’mliterally ten inches deep in your mum.”

“Your dickisn’t that long, Phil.”

Phil’s faceshoots up, pixelated jaw plunging. Rife with scandal. Then he narrows his eyes.“Shut up. You’re just trying to change the subject.”

A sharplaugh bursts from Dan’s lips and simmers down to a giggle as he leans back inhis butt chair. He coos at the pout forming on Phil’s chin. “Sure, sure. Ormaybe the poor baby can’t handle the truth?”

“Close yourmouth, Dan Howell,” Phil murmurs, eyes flicking over his own screen. “And incase you missed it with all that smart-ass talk, you’re not having coffee.”

“Don’t callme a smart-ass,” Dan grumbles, but it’s punctured by a yawn.

“See!You’re tired,” Phil grins. “Now save the thing and come to bed.”

“Just giveme a few more minutes.”

“Nope. Thatstory will still be there tomorrow.”

“That’s thething. I don’t have time–”

“Stopmaking excuses, mister. Let’s go.”

“Phil, I’mnot–”

“Don’t makeme come over there.”

“Oh mygod.” Dan pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I will come to bedlater. Just let me finish the story.”

There’ssilence on the other end. Dan peers through his palms at the Skype window andfinds Phil giving him a pointed look, brows arched. And part of him knows Phil is right and he does want tosleep, but that’s overpowered by a bigger, prouder, more frustrated part thatwants to get this thing done. He hasto, now. Because tomorrow they have meetings and filming to do, and there’s aphotoshoot the day after, and he’ll procrastinate when he has free time and thedocument will sit untouched in his files for days.

Dan looksaway with a curt sigh, scuffing his fringe off his face. “Sorry. I’m writing.”

Thefanfiction frowns back at him. The hilarity of it dribbles away, and the morehe stares the faster it becomes only words and failure. He doesn’t want to makethis a big deal – it’s only a crappy story for their book. But their book is abig deal. It’s the most important thing he’s worked on in his life, and if thisisn’t perfect, then none of it is perfect.

Dan glancesat the Skype window again, and Phil is gone. Finally, he can let his shoulderssag and his eyelids droop. With nothing else to do, he hits the save button alittle too hard and slouches there. The cursor still flashes on the screen likean alarm, stirring anger into his exhaustion. He wants to erase everything he’swritten. He wants to scream.

And then –warm fingers squeezing his shoulder, moving to comb through his rumpled hair.

“Pleasecome to bed. You can do this in the morning,” Phil says softly.

Dan wantsnothing more than to close his eyes and lean into Phil’s touch, but his wordsrub off the wrong way. Dan’s shoulders harden. He doesn’t look away from thescreen. “You’re wrong, actually.”

Phil’sfingers falter for a second. “What do you mean? We’re not–”

“We havetwo meetings in the morning.”

“Oh.”There’s an exhale. “I forgot.”

“Yeah.Yeah, and did you forget we have gaming videos to film as well? And then I’mdoing god knows what. Fucking exercises. I don’t know. And a day-longphotoshoot the next day. If I don’t get this done right now, I never will,cause I’m shit at being organised and I hold things off as long as possible and– and we have – our editor wants to see what we’ve done so far but I haven’teven–”

“Dan. Hey–”

“It’s just– it’s just not going to fucking work, Phil,”Dan cries. “So don’t tell me I can finish it later because I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t fucking doanything, it’s all just–” His voicestretches into a wail and his eyes grow wet and it’s not because of the screen.

Philcrouches against the chair, holds his arm. “Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan. Take a deepbreath, okay? It’ll be fine.”

“It won’tbe fucking fine. I need to–”

“No. I needyou to calm down. Look at me. Deep breath, that’s it. That’s good.”

Dan givesin, closes his eyes and sucks air into his lungs, face red with frustration. Hegrabs onto Phil’s hand anyway. Then – the dam breaks, and a tired sob burstsfrom his throat. Phil runs his fingers up and down his arm.

When hisshoulders lose their tremble, Dan stands shakily in search of a hug and Philmeets him there. He tucks his face into Phil’s chest, feeling stupid andguilty but losing himself in the warmth of the arms around his waist and thegradual calm around his heart. His muscles loosen as Phil rubs circles on thesmall of his back. With a sniffle, Dan considers falling asleep right there. But he just–

“I’msorry,” he blurts, muffled by the fabric of Phil’s shirt. He twists his fingersaround it. “I didn’t…I’m tired. I just wanted to finish it.”

Phil’sfingers slip into his hair and brush through the curls.  “I know. It’s okay, you don’t have toexplain.”

“I’m sorryfor getting angry at you.”

Philpresses his lips to Dan’s temple. “That’s okay too.”

Dan scrubsat the tear stains on his cheeks before resting his forehead on Phil’s shoulder.Then he remembers the fanfiction. It glowers at him from across the room.“Dammit. What am I gonna do?” he whimpers.

“Well,right now you’re going to sleep for several hours,” Phil says. “And when we gethome tomorrow, after you do your exercises, you can sit down to write with afresh mind. We don’t have to meet our editor until Saturday, so that gives youtime anyway.”

Dan shifts andkisses an exposed bit of skin, just above his collar. “Okay. I love you. Thankyou for putting up with all my melodramatic shit.”

“Youremotions are perfectly valid, Dan. And I love you too, despite them,” Phil says,stepping back and tucking his partner’s fringe back into place. He smilessoftly at the tenderness in Dan’s eyes. “Now, I think it’s bedtime for you.”

[briteboy]

using the new tag “sunny answers” for these anon ask compilations as per request of an anon who actually enjoys going through these posts! this one’s 4 u bb 💕

omg there’s a lot of questions here, more than i thought there’d be. rando story stuff, leftovers from the Trans Fiasco (and no i will 100% NOT be answering anymore questions about it after this, aside from the non-anons who already messaged me about it), and some astrology questions towards the end! enjoy

I seriously love & understand santi's mind but at the same time I feel so bad for Lou (I love her more ok) and I just wanna hug her and grant all her wishes and fill her void and give her 9999 amazing lovers Idk SANTI Y U LIKE THIS hahahaha ok sorry your story is my bible basically. Other than Ramona to live for Lou needs someone that stays LOU NEEDS HAPPINESS!!!!!

9999 AMAZING LOVERS LMAO will u be the 10,000th tho...that is the question. i think we all relate to santi, so much in fact that his actions are infuriating because it’s like WHYYY but then i’m like oh wait i do dumb shit too when i’m sad/in pain. he still dumb tho she does need happiness, and hopefully she will find it in this story ;__;

I'm so hyped for everything happening w your sims omg! Like I'm so so excited about Lou's story and her family (which I sent asks about before btw so that tells you) and I'm so excited about Rooney and Gianni and bby Ramona going to Japan (which is literally my fav country so my love for you and your blog just deepens with every second) and Santi just getting better somewhere (where? We don't know. And I think that's the beauty of it) I just ugh. Love your blog

OMGGGG AHHHDSGJHD THIS EXCITES ME SO MUCH THANK YOOOOUUUU I’M EXCITED THAT YOU’RE EXCITED!!! i hope you enjoyed her family reveal today, there is much to still divulge in that area so strap the f*ck in. i have a really clear vision of what i want their japan experience to look like and hopefully it translates into the sims!! who freaking knows tho. i’m glad you’re looking forward to it either way. and yeah who tf knows where santi is right now. “going home” my ASS!! but yeah it is all beautiful in a way ;-; thank you so much my love for u deepens every second i reread this message, you’re so sweet ;__;

(TFB anon again aaaa) OKAY SO i could be wrong because you know him much better than i do obvioisly, but Grand Finale from the new album is giving me some santi vibes rn MMMMMM

HEY!!! i finally listened to the album and honestly...idk how i feel about it BUT i actually did like grand finale, and now that i’m listening to it again i can definitely sense the santi vibes!! (he has been listening to it nonstop since it came out ok) i love that u thought of him ;__; 

I got a retail job two weeks ago. And I hate it. I keep telling myself it’ll get better and then it just gets worse. It’s my first job and I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

oh god. i don’t wanna be a downer but i don’t have much advice for this, retail SUUUUCKS. working in retail opens your eyes to just how stupid, helpless and annoying people can be. it’s not pretty. it CAN get better if you have coworkers you genuinely enjoy spending time with, who can lessen the burden of your responsibilities. joking around can help a lot, so if you’re not friends with them already, try to be!! just talk to them and i’m sure a relationship will grow. also remember it’s not the end of the world if this job doesn’t work out for you. you can find a new one, and you probably will at some point in the future. i’m gonna point you towards @essiesims because she works in retail so she probably has some words of wisdom for you...hopefully...be nice essie

I just realized my new haircut looks exactly like Fiona's hair and I'm 10x happier with it

GOOD!!! i love her hair, mine is sort of like it right now, messy and short lmao. if bby fiona makes you feel more confident by all means OWN dat haircut, you’re sexi

Can I ask if you watch Dan Howell? Bc his new video about his depression actually broke me and I need someone to hug

no i don’t but i googled him and my first thought was “OHH that’s the dan guy who’s gay with phil or whatever” i honestly don’t know who they are but i’ve seen a lot of gifs of them. i’m sorry his vid made you sad :{ U CAN HUG ME I’M ALWAYS HERE FOR U

I just wanted to let you know that I think you're absolutely amazing, and so creative, and your stories are beautiful. I have loved everything you've created, and you're sims are all so beautiful, and the stories are so heart-wrenching, and so well written, and I'm just so absolutely obsessed. I have your notifications on, and I get so excited every time I see you've posted something. :D Keep working hard, and be happy :)

omg ;____________; thank you so soso much ur gonna make me CRY i create everything for myself, but it makes it all feel 1000x more worth it to know it’s affected you this way and you’re enjoying it so much. my heart hurts in the best way. the fact that you have your NOTIFS ON FOR ME OMG i’m so sorry that i probably spam you so much with random asks and stuff. you’re probably like “when will this b*tch shut up” lmfao no but really this is so kind and sweet and it makes me feel warm inside, thank you so much <333

Can I get a link to your story in Chrono order? I'm on my phone and I'm not quite sure how to do it on here ^^'

here u go, or if you can’t click on it, copy and paste this: http://femmesim.tumblr.com/tagged/story/chrono as a general rule, you can go to any tag and add “/chrono” (no quotation marks) at the end and it’ll take you to the beginning.

hi femme! im sorry this is from older posts but how did you get ramona to look the way she did as a baby? thanks in advance!

hello i explained that here!

DEMI GIRL REPRESENTATION YES ILY

HELL YEAH ILY TOOOO

But if you were cisphobic you have a phobia of like a veeeery big part of the population o.o??? Still don't understand that ist even a thing

true! the reason cis people hold the must power in this equation is due large in part to the fact that they are a huge part of the population. so yeah it’s definitely not a thing.

What's cisgender??? Never heard of that

me neither tbh (but if ur not being sarcastic, here)

I love you sunny. Just so you know

Hey Sunny I love you 💕

HEY I LOVE YOU TOOOOO (you both sent this during the Trans Fiasco, and i fully appreciate your kindness in that bleak time)

yikes that anon was obnoxious as hell

this was also during the Trans Fiasco and yeah u right!

What mod do you use to make your sims taller? 😊

this one!

mom why does love hurt so much 😥

no one knows mi childe but i am here for u

^^ me goin after whoever hurt u

I literally just had such a bad nightmare I woke up, scared myself when I tried to reach for my phone and instead accidentally groped my poodle; which resulted in a panic attack. It’s 5am. Please help. I can obviously not take care of myself

GROPED YOUR POODLE OHMDFHOGODFSG I’M SO SORRY POODLE that sucks tho i’m so sorry about the nightmare and the poodle and the panic attack and EVERYTHING, that’s not fun :{ hopefully you got some rest and calmed down since you sent this. if not come to my house we can have a sleepover i will take care of u

I also have a large bra size (32H) and I'm still young so it's still growing.

OH WOOW ARE U OKAY BECAUSE I HAVE A DIFFICULT ENOUGH TIME HAVING DD’S

@that anon - not all trans ppl even experience dysphasia just admit Defeat

right! i think u meant dysphoria tho. maybe. unless you’re talking about something i don’t know about. but yeah you’re right, every trans person is different. a lot of them do want to change things about themselves, but not all.

hey im goin through an assholes blog and reblogging their posts with confusing internet funnyman comments, saw hate for your blog and decided to send you some support. keep doing what you love with your characters and content ❤❤ -♌🌿

LMAO HEY LEO LEAF were u going through that rando dude’s blog when the Trans Fiasco was happening? because there was some super weird ass blog dedicated to reblogging posts from nonbinary folks and people talking about nonbinary shit and just telling them they’re wrong and transphobic for not believing in the gender binary lmao...so anyways...if that’s not what ur talking about tho i’m sorry i just filled ur ears with that nonsense anyway thank you for this message, it’s so sweet ;__; sorry i didn’t answer it right away, i was recovering from the amount of ugly anons i was getting lmao. thank you for supporting me, ily <333

More Avey pls she's the light of my life

ASDFJHHJKSD SHE WILL APPEAR MUCH MORE JUST TO MAKE THE TROLLS MAD OKAY I LOVE U 💕💕

If another dumbass anon messages you about some silly shit regarding transgenders I’m going to scream. No. Not every trans person wants to transition physically— and no they don’t all want to stereotypical versions of whatever gender they identify with. I know a trans-male that wears makeup and twirls in dresses, and I know a trans-female that loves being a butch lesbian. Personally. I am glad that you’ve chosen to go the route that you have with your character. Fuck the ditsy assholes.

HEY I LOVE YOU AND THIS MESSAGE SO MUCH THANK YOU <33333 ur right, fuck them, they’re ugly anyway

Hey so I'm not like these other anons, I'm asking this as someone has next to no experience with trans people and actually wants to be educated instead of attack you. So if there are some trans people who don't transition and are comfortable with how they look, what exactly makes them uncomfortable with their birth gender?

a number of things, mainly just their discomfort with the category they’ve automatically been placed in from birth. but that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to change their body or dress a certain way.

I just wanna applaud you for handling the anons so calmly because I know for certain if they sent me that shit, my trans ass would have acted differently.

LMFAO omg i’m glad you thought i was being calm because i was like “well i guess it’s time to let out my bitchy side” thank you tho, i’m grateful you understand <3

I'm so sorry that Nonnie was such an ass! I wish we had more people speaking up and saying it loud like you did! It was pretty obvious that person has issues that a Tumblr post won't fix but it was nice to see you put them in there place :)

lmao yeah, after a few questions from them i figured it was just pointless. people like that don’t learn even if you’re trying to explain it to them calmly. they just always want to be right by alienating others, and they don’t even realize what they’re doing most of the time. it’s sad really, but i tried my best (and also tried my best not to unleash all my rage lmao) thank you <3

how can Ramona be sooo cute as a toddler?? like how? whats the secret

vitamins

lmao but really IDK i experimented a lot with her face at first and making a custom skin for her definitely helped too. :~}

/post/166031605558/the-pros-cons-of-dating-my-sim-ciarasia *gives Fiona a Beetlejuice & Ghostbusters and a Dexter dolls and stuffed animals and dolls verisons* I like Fiona I think we could get along with each other *gives Lou her fav kind of band shirts and starts counting her freckles* I don't think I'm gonna go mad trying to count

THIS IS SO SWEET AFKJDSKJNGJKLDLGD YOU’RE THEIR SOULMATE i’m gonna write u into the story now u made it

 I know a girl with heterochromia and she also has two different ear shapes. Sometimes I feel like she was meant to be a twin but she absorbed the other one lol. I feel like a weirdo sorry bye.

UR NOT A WEIRDO!!! omg that is funny tho, and very interesting. i wonder if a lot of ppl with heterochromia eyes are like that, with other two different body parts. i’m the twin she absorbed

if you're still doing astrology posts, I'm a Sun-Aries, Moon-Leo and Rising- Scorpio! I'm slowly getting into astrology but i still don't know what that means lol

OOOH SPICY flaming hot cheetos

aries + scorpio are both ruled by mars and then leo is ruled by the sun so holy heck you are probably WAY OUT THERE and by that i mean super outgoing probably, but maybe your scorp rising makes you a bit withdrawn and secretive, so people have to get close to you before they really see you come out. leo moon is one of my favorite placements because it’s so weird, but often i find leo moons can be even more exuberant than leo suns. you probably have a flair for dramatics and love attention even though you might deny it. you really march to the beat of your own drum, but be careful not to be condescending to others about it!!

oh my god all of this astrology stuff is so interesting! idk if you're still doing them, but if you are i'd love to hear about mine: virgo sun, scorpio moon and scorpio rising :) it's totally okay if you're sick of doing these and i'm in no rush to get an answer!

oooooh my mom and beyonce both have virgo sun/scorp moon combos. that’s how u know it’s a good one even tho it seems scary. i find that virgos often have the potential to be very in charge and domineering, but a lot of them bury that potential because they don’t realize they have it inside themselves, and so they let people walk all over them. especially with a scorpio moon, you crave intensity in all forms: through your emotions, relationships, deepest, darkest thoughts, you feel them so powerfully that sometimes it’s too scary and overwhelming for you. learn to trust in that instead of being scared and you will open a new door in your life, especially in combination with your virgo sun, whose inclination is to learn new things and get to the bottom of every mystery. with a scorpio moon AND rising, you are actually that mystery. you might spend a lot of time trying to figure out yourself, but don’t get too introspective because that leads to overthinking and self deprecation.

hey yo i don't need you to do the thing but I'd just like to inform you that i'm a pisces sun leo moon...which is the strangest combo but totally makes sense for my personality. i don't know what any of the other stuff is lmao. but i got a book on astrology so i'm going to learn

OMG i love that combo...it is really weird but somehow the two suit each other. lou and my bff are actually leo sun/pisces moons (so opposite from you lmao, but that’s the reason i like those signs together!) leos have a very active imaginations and pisces just exacerbates that. i feel like in terms of boldness and outgoing nature, it could go either way for you. since pisces suns are usually more understated and quiet, that could fit you. but i often find that leo moons with literally any other placements will make you quite outgoing, sometimes obnoxious. so maybe you flip flop between shyness and outgoingness, especially since pisces focuses on adaptability anyway. 

omg yay yes learn all the things!! report back to me if u find out any cool stuff

I don't know if you're still doing this but if you are please do my birth chart, Virgo sun, Taurus moon, and Rising Sagittarius (if you're not doing them anymore it's fine

oh dang u earthy as F*CK. i would hate to get on your bad side, you are probably stubborn as hell and refuse to move from any position you hold. your sagittarius rising also probably makes you warm and inviting but competitive as heck. these are the two earth signs that i actually think go with sag really well! for some reason they always have a weird connection. i’ve talked about it a bit before. you are probably super chill and people like to hang out with you because you just do nothing and be homebodies but still have a good time. you might be prone to worry and restlessness, but listen to your intuition that tells you to calm down and focus on taking things slow.

Okay so I'm apparently a Leo sun, Scorpio moon and a Leo ascendant. What does this even mean help me lmao

OOH WOW ANOTHER SPICY BOY...honestly the first word that came to mind was “battleborn”. lmao you’re probably always looking for something/someone to keep up with your pace and stimulate your needs, and you probably get discouraged a lot because no one can ever match your wild personality. you can probably be overbearing without even realizing, and because of that, not many people can handle you. like i said before, scorpio moons crave intensity, and leos are already intense in their own way, so these two signs (especially the double leo influence) just really kinda egg each other on. so be careful not to get too carried away with doing The Most all the time.