#i know this will end up in a gc
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coelacanter + socials
#amy mentioned that devyn's mullet was like someone chewed on it and the troll doll imagery would not leave me#infamous#infamous if#marlow locke#coelacanter#fake social media#i dont want to HEAR how out of touch i am i dont use instagram or twitter i had to guess at syntax/usernames#also the cropping for the group photo ended up so strangely with the instagram post format i ended up going with so i just#worked it into the comments section. same with iris' outfit i realized way too late she should've had something fancier </3#i thought rowan would be the type to point out something like that. he'd have a choice instagram with pictures cropped and edited perfectly#iris posts a photo of them and devyn and he'll comment 'very cute. were you asleep when picking this filter though or..?'#also i know this is funny to genuinely no one else but i briefly debated having maya make the fan name “the canners”#as if the band name was “can't-er” not “canter”#(they're just 'fishies') but i wanted to incorporate it somehow hence the gc name and that one fan's username#coelacanter? no. we coelacan... ner <3
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schrödinger’s gc favorite
#somehow he’s both too injured to possibly put up a fight and also automatically the favorite bc he won the last two years#like if you listen to cycling twitter we should expect the exact same form as last year but he’s also in no state to ride the tour at all#meanwhile he’s just doing his training and reconning the galibier and paying no attention to any of the nonsense god bless#user etapereine get off twitter challenge failed again#like i know nuance and middle ground are foreign concepts on twitter in general but good lord#will he be in the form he was last year? probably not#will he be in such terrible form that he falls out of gc in week one and ends up working for matteo? also probably no#my bet? he’ll lose some time in week one but then make at least some of it up in the mountains in week three#whether he can make up enough in week three to still win is unknown and depends just as much on what everyone else does#but expecting twitter to use things like reason and common sense is a lost cause so whatever
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god. saw an intersex TERF and it made me so sad. you are in a community that wants you to hate yourself
#it’s just heartbreaking yk?#idk what they have#but at least for me#i know i would end up despising myself and my body had i ever been a part of the terf cult#especially will all their talk abt how penises are evil or how ppl with penises should die and shit like that#it’s like#god idk how to explain how i feel#i promise you there are communities where you won’t be forced to hate your intersex traits#but also#by being a terf and spreading their rhetoric you are hurting your own intersex siblings#anti terf#intersexism#anti radfem#anti gc
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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genuinely not quite sure why i am so deeply uncomfortable when it comes to telling ppl abt my personal/romantic life. like i want them to know but i also don’t like admitting to anyone out loud that i have emotions, feelings, and/or relations resembling anything beyond superficial interest. i mean jesus. how cringe. they should just intuit it all psychically or something so they can know without me ever having to bring it up myself
#like i’ve always been like this i didn’t tell my parents that i was dating my hs girlfriend for months#not bc i was scared of what they would say. i knew they’d take it fine. they knew i was gay and they knew i was close friends w her#but the thought of having to confess to my parents that i had romantic feelings for someone. and that she had romantic feelings for me.#that thought? EXCRUCIATING. MORTIFYING.#i was fine with them knowing it theoretically#but i just could not bring myself to admit to them face to face. UNPROMPTED. that i was dating somebody.#i ended up texting them as CASUALLY AS POSSIBLE in the family gc a like 12 in the morning#like hey btw just a heads up me and [girl] are dating okay bye#like lmaaooo they probably don’t even REMEMBER this now but i vividly remember drafting that text at the time like jesusss chriiiiiissstttt#but that was also true for my best friend i didn’t tell HER i was dating my gf for a while TOO and i don’t think i actually told any of our#friends just let them learn via osmosis and that was great that was ideal#i just don’t feel comfortable talking about myself to other people at all like in person#obviously writing it all out is fine like i’m sharing this on my blog bc again I don’t mind people knowing stuff#i just don’t like having a one on one conversation with anybody about any facet of my identity feelings personhood at all#and again i don’t know why that’s true. it’s kinda funny. it’s also something i’m gonna have to just suck up and take like sorry kid#welcome to the mortifying ordeal of being known#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyways lmao i was just thinking about that again bc. well for obvious reasons but also because it happened during pride month LMAO#and looking up pride events near me this evening reminded me of that specifically#man#i guess i haven’t changed at all since i was 16 lol#better taste in people now though i think#cest la vie and all that
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the only person that appreciates me in this damn group chat is my love kali ):<
#bunn talks kpop#it was a busy day in the gc#i dont really know what i ended up in jail for#(jail is when enya makes my username an ugly color)#but i assume it was for saying id suck HJs dick like a hamster with a water nozzle
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#writing#poetry#2022#October 2022#october 13 2022#You’re Kind of an Idiot#yeah i still like this one#I think i specifically trying to imitate Richard Sikken with the funky formating and view changes or however you call it#the context was I convinced my friends to add me to this group chat that had all this people they were friends that I didn’t know#(I did know half of them tho)#and like this wasnt a decision made by the group chat but just the three in it i had lunch with#originally it was a joke i wasnt in it but then i got them to add me#I thought i might get kicked out by one of the people who didn’t know me once they realized this random guy was in the gc#but i ended up fitting it really well and especially got along with the guy i was most intimidated by#there was a discord server that was the REAL gc and wasnt in it#but there was a vote (using discord emote reacts) for if i was gonna be added or not#I didn’t know how to see who did what react on discord at the time so it was anonymous to me at first#the ones who voted no where ones i knew and they totally did it jokingly but i was afraid i was being too annoying and karen esc about it#anyways i got voted and everything went well#the server and group chat eventually got deleted due to drama to do this this girl who was only there cause she was this one guy’s gf#(She fucking sucked btw. like she was a white girl who made racism jokes. thats the kind of person she was)#(fun fact her and the guy she dated straight up met in a psych ward after he tried to kill himself)#rejection sensitive dysphoria#rsd
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i'm begging my uni to stop making every fucking student social activity something where you have to walk around a bunch if you are a slow walker who cannot help it they literally want you dead
#i try to walk as fast as i humanly can. which i shouldn't bc it hurts and makes me dizzy. and i'm still slower than everyone else#last week we divided into groups and had to walk to checkpoints around the city to do tasks#i had a friend in my group who knows abt my issues and they walked slower with me which was nice. everyone else walked like 10 20 meters#ahead and it was fucking embarrassing bc for every checkpoint they had to wait for me#and i felt bad my friend couldn't talk to anyone else in the group bc they were zooming way ahead of us and i'm the one who couldn't keep up#and like. they didn't know my body's fucked. but these are people i do not know well at all and maybe i don't wanna disclose my medical#history to everyone i interact with#and like this event wasn't mandatory. i could've skipped it#but it's every fucking time#most nights we end up going to a bar and to these people “walking distance” is like a half an hour. and they walk fast#i can never keep up#i don't reallu enjoy bars either and i don't drink but you just kinda have to endure to socialize. some days i can't handle it tho#this week there's another checkpoint type activity. i know i shouldn't. i know i'm gonna slow everyone down#but i got specifically asked and invited to be a part of a team. i can't remember the last time that happened#also we're doing a group costume and mine includes platform heels on the streets of a very old city i am so cooked#my friend is nice tho. they know the basic lore and check up on me a bunch which always catches me off guard 😭#i'm used to pushing through and also used to people not really taking my shit into consideration so i don't know how to respond sometimes#2 people in the group know the issues and i just sent the gc a “sorry in advance i can't walk very fast” so like what else is there to do#only accessibility info we're ever given is if it's wheelchair accessible. and that's good. like you should do that. but it kinda ends there#like how much walking is there. where are the stops. are there places to sit.#i love having to either push through or be excluded disabilities are awesome#been in soooo much pain lately and have to take breaks walking uphill. functional body#i live in an area where everything. literally everything. is uphill one way or another. so as you can imagine it's going great#also “you have to endure to socialize” as if i don't end up hovering around my friend like a lost puppy with separation anxiety anyway#the group costume is winx club. btw
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the new guy in my head is kind of frightening but in a good way Help
#literally not even an hour after talking about shit in the gc did this motherfucker appear out of nowhere#got confused out of my mind and spent an hour trying to distract ourselves from it by playing fuckass games#and as it turns out. That helped him solidify himself?#he is kind of like. monsoon? kind of?#I’ve never drawn what the monsoon in my head looks like have I . hell#he is like a wispier & darker version#hard to describe. Like condensed black fog?#it ‘feels’ soft#i have a feeling I know why he showed up but I don’t really want to think about it#still.. I wonder what he will end up being like#he is still sort of developing but mostly conscious?#it is strange to ‘see’ this friend (the kind of shit you’d see in a nightmare) curled up in the ‘field’#<-field referring to a place in headspace (somewhere nearby indigo’s usual area actually)#I have a feeling he’ll stick with monsoon for some reason? i think they’re both going to have a similar disposition#on that topic. i still don’t know why monsoon talks like that. what provoked that#goodness…#koka posting#i just realized that I still haven’t eaten anything today#and it is 3 in the morning#this may explain some things
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.....
Mm.
#rennikorambles#/neg ... sigh#no she didnt reject me#no i didnt mess up#no ididnt even CHICKEN OUT.#i had everything i had my courage i had my words i had my loose plan ready i was ready.#i wasnt gonna chicken out. and the worse that could happen i knew was that she wasnt ready.#i had high hopes. youve seen a glimpse of the hype havent you guys?#but of course. the one . ONE thing that could ruin everything. isnt me. isnt laurel. but the world it-fucking-self.#the auditions were canceled and we didnt know. our teacher told our class prez but he didnt tell us. or the very least laurel#didnt send it in any gcs and everything. and im not even upset about the auditions ofc im not. sure i care about it but#it could all move to a year later and i wouldn't care . or well i would of course but just..#but the fact that i had all this hope for this one moment for this one CHANCE and it all goes down the fucking drain#her friend (and by extension mine) lets call her Brash Girl which you can expect how she is. was literally just caught up in the whole thing#and of course with her stuck with us i couldnt do anything.#dragged me to 7-11 to mope about our teacher who canceled the auditions and.#.... yeah. no shot. nothing. laurel asked her mom to pick her up. i watch her leave. i leave. the end.#after all that effort. all that dreaming. all that hoping nothing.#i know it's not the end of the world. i know i'll get another chance. but god does it fucking suck.#im exhausted and disappointed and tired and i. i dont know.#i need a breather.
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coming crawling out of black sails s3e1
#black sails#i wrote a whole essay on like. messaging in the gc losing my mind but idk if anyone on here wants to read it#the like. just. the way the show frames that change from flint's hope to be able to *somehow* negotiate/find a solution#to his single-minded rage#and how i am OBSESSED IN LOVE SO GRATEFUL for it not having this immediate heavy-handed condemnation of it#how the narrative isn't even only sympathetic but like. downright approving at times? like#i mean. obviously we know how this story ends even without spoilers irt england. spain. piracy. colonialism. etc etc#but like. yeah. yeah. not repeating this in the tags of all places but might clean it up and post it tomorrow#idk idk losing my mind going insane chewing through a brickwall just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just found out yesterday that the guy in my uni class that liked to be characterized as a big huggable bear golden retriever bf type was accused of raping a drunken girl from our degree at a camping trip (idk which year) and his feminist polyamorous mom friend gf has done nothing but defend him ever since how is ur week going so far
#never liked the dolt anyways lmao#they were the type that were always on top of social justice and idpol things but in a very performative way#like they got everything from instagram infographics type shit#she had no boundaries and made a lot of the friends we had in common sort of ostracise me#and he didnt like me either bc when i was 19 i had 0 filter and p much told him he was a dumbass via group chat#found out yesterday bc i was chatting about ppl we know in common with my workmate im sharing a room with at work#and these two came up#and he said yeah i never liked him anyways especially since hes a rapist#W H A T ? ? ? ?#and he showed me the students union gc that his gf is in#and there was this massive msg from october 2020 calling that man out#basically what happened is that sometime prior to that likely before covid he sexually assaulted this woman#and although she went to the police she didnt actually press charges and they came to an agreement#that he would leave any space that they were involved in together such as the students union#except that he didnt and that ended up causing her much distress#hence the callout#also he changed his name around the time he was accused of rape#and at that time i was going to a a lot of gender and women's history and archaeology classes which he and gf would also go to#just a very nasty and disgusting shock#even if i disliked him i would never imagine someone do that
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Sorry to start complaining but its my tumblr
#my friend cut me off for being mean to a guy she didn't even know#and said she hated how i treated ppl but she literally stalked his account to find his brother and post in our gc that hes hot#and proceeded to ask if he's bisexual#i was mean to him bc he kept standing me up so i said he can hangout now or im done talking to him#she was so mad at me for it too and ended a 6 year friendship ovr it#i cant help but to be upset she left and i started subconsciously blaming her#like she didn't know my dad was gonna die etc. but i was with her 24/7 when her family member died#I WAS WATCHING MY GRANDMA WHO HAD CANCER BTW.#like she didn't care at all abt me and it's so hard to face that while not having my dad#then i made a new friend and we talked for awhile but she cut me off randomly w/out any reason#and ive been crying over it#i just feel like i am an issue and problem#I have a horrible habit of only choosing one person to talk to and then facing the repercussions of it when they leave (isolated)#and i know it's my fault but i wish ppl told me what i did wrong or what i did to make them mad/uncomfortable/sad bc i can fix my behavior#but if they just leave it shows they didn't really want to be my friend and that's ok but#all i have is my husband and it gets so boring my life shouldn't revolve around him yet it does because I'm so inept at talking
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dreamt that i went on a date with ten in los angeles and it went badly and i walked out and wandered the streets thinking about what to do and then i walked into an empty nordstrom and saw kim kardashian trying to buy clothes off the nike rack for her kids so i helped her pick some and then i became her de facto assistant and we went to cvs to pick up sugar free mints and my role was to stand close to her and shush people who recognized her and started murmuring
#im up before 2pm are you proud of me#at the end of the dream i was fretting because i didnt know if she wanted me on full time so i didnt know if i could afford to live in LA#and wait for a job offer or if i should just go back to new york... so i watched a tiktok from her former assistant and he was based in DC#so that made me even more confused. and then i woke up#i know the date aspect is bc my friend texted the gc she was going on a date w someone just before i fell asleep. the rest is original
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good morning 🥺
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#sorrey ... not active ..... lots going on but also not (?)#IDK anyways i've reconnected w an old friend who's a childhood friend bcs shes the daughter of my mom's friend ^___^#she said she's gna get into the 1975 more !! but she's alrdy going to the arctic monkey's concert soon which is super cool#and i rmbr our mom asked me and lune if we knew them too <3 but we didn't know there was a legit concert SOBS#yeah miss her a lot and it's sweet how wnvr we do reconnect a bit it always so happens we're into the same thing of sorts :((#AND THEN! wow idk i've grown a lil less hesitant. somehow. idk. literally replied to the story on ig of a guy ik but haven't talked to in ag#ages* purely bcs he kept posting like woaaa based game and then ff6 best ff so i was like SO TRUE but have u played 14#and he has NOT but does want to and then wow we could have had a lil convo but i left to watch a movie sorry bro <//3#what else ... hmm ..... WELL. an old friend from all the way in 6th grade. okay so we often message each other a bit just like 'hey wna be#grpmates' or smth like that and that one time where they gave me a lil help for the chem grp work and i'm like. just comfy talking like#myself fr BUT THENNN messaged me sometime last week bcs. like smth w a grpwork and they got anxious they did smth wrong#bcs no one in the gc replied to them (sorry i didn't either SOBS) T___T ended up turning the convo to 'hey wt abt i finally try to talk w u#properly more' and HELL YEAHHH we both r the kinds that talk/type a lot but sometimes dip and disappear how lovely /gen LMAO <3#idk. uhm. with the school fair we have booths and shifts for the booths and my group is the one with uhh the 4 kids who i'm often groups#with and they're all the. yk kids. ppl who i'd get along w and i've been classmates w all of em b4 but you see they're a grp of friends now#RAGHH ONE OF THEM IK LIKES PERSONA (MULTIPLE?? IDK. they once were like yo apollo u seem like u like persona lol#IDK WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN but yes i do have akechi and ren charms on my backpack for school#AND THEN ONE is into like gi pjsk a lot of rhythm games and gacha mobile but all like uhh. yeah? tot love live bandori ... still cool fr tho#she's rlly nice tbh lol ^___^ wait tbh all of them are HELP but uhm idk but it's nice when ppl r nice to me#tbf that's literally how i got my first crush BUT WE DON'T TALK ABT THAT !! yk sometimes i unconsciously wonder abt her or look for her and#then i did see her again after a few months since seeing her early in on the school year bcs shes in basketball and i hung out at the uhh#covered court w my best friend whos in another varsity bcs we stayed late at school that day to help out w fair preparations!#i refuse to like her again but i realize i like that familiarity with feelings and uhmm yeah shes cool ig i kinda wish i was less. uhm. shy#back then? you see i barely cld talk to her ... LIKE. she'd be like. heyy! and do shit sometimes and i WOULDN'T TALK or just smile and#mumble RAFGHHHFHFHDHH but she'd say hi to me and include me in things and jokes and it made me rlly /@!(@/'dmdkzn okay#AND sometimes when i do talk back I am SOOOO GODDAMN AWKWARD GOOD GODS anyways now i'm like. less awkward. or maybe i've just accepted it n#i'm cooler now B) and a lot more confident zEjfhejdjsnk. yeah. and uhmm yeah that's it#BUT YEAH nice classmate she asked me for a hug once lol and i notice she's affectionate w her friends n it reminds me of m y own bestie awhh#she sometimes talks to me which i rlly appreciate even if it prolly seems like i hate her sorry i just suck w talking
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the way im so bad at private messaging is actually so embarrassing, its like a genuine concern. like i cant even imagine getting a s/o and chatting with them in private dms they'll have to be in a group chat or else it'll never work.
#formal apology to everyone who has private messaged me#the optimum way to msg me: bring a friend#i send messages alot in gc and i love being annoying but the moment i step foot in direct messages i do not know how to act#im like those crusty biscuits that are so dry they dehydrate you and you end up drinking 5 cups of water after eating it
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