#i know this is unhinged behaviour on its face but there are so many people tagging this like icon genius her mind she gets it lmao

[chiveoil]

the cake.. would get so mouldy? over the course of three whole weeks? also three bites of cake is not enough bites, they are traditionally portioned in slices for a reason, idk babe life is so short and we’re all going to die just eat as much cake as you want before it goes stale and rots

[unyandere]

Yandere jock x reader who is really into how to kill people with poison and therefore finds training the body useless

Tw: plants (the poisonous ones), mention of killing and murder, curses, yanderish behaviour (both me and you know that’s not the most triggering over here), bad English I guess, reader is… uh… like those little kids who love to tell people how they would be able to kill them in extreme detail for no reason whatsoever

In need of more unhinged parodic stories? Check out the MASTERPOST ✨✨✨

At school you were more or less a loner, no friends, teachers always forgot your name, are your lunch alone,… Yeah, you spent most of your time at school inside the library, reading books about murders and poisons.

Poisonous plants and animals had always been one of your many passions and the librarian, knowing you as well as your mother had known you, always kept some new books about plants and animals for you.

One day as you were reading about the atropine contained inside many plants and its uses you caught the eye of one of the school’s top football players.

At first he came up to you, sat beside you and looked at you while you were reading.

He was hypnotised by your beauty, your elegant movements, your oh so cute shyness,… As he set his eyes on you he decided you two would have some fun together.

“Hey hun~ Wanna… ya know?” He said pointing at one of the doors that lead to a utility room.

You lifted your eyes from the book and looked at him straight in the eyes.

“Getting inside a small room with someone you don’t really know just because of an high libido is one of the most common ways to get killed” you answered looking at him coldly

“And how would you kill me? You don’t look like someone with muscles~ You don’t really look like someone who could beat me up~” he said walking behind you and grabbing one of your arms.

“There are countless ways in which you could get killed without the use of muscles” you answered jerking your arm away.

He got closer to you, he sniffed your hair and touched your neck.

“Reeeally? And how would you kill me?” He said smiling at you, putting his hand under your chin and lifting your face up to him.

“Well I could poison you with berries by putting one berry in my mounts and slipping it into yours during a kiss, I could put some rhododendron leaves in my pocket and scratch your skin as you get close giving you some of the nastiest infections, I could put some hemlock in my hands, cup my hand above your nose, make you breath some hemlock and kill you slowly and painfully,… and these are just some examples of how I could, and would, kill you” you answered briefly.

The jock looked at you in the eyes, for a moment his smile disappeared and he stepped back a little.

But just as soon as you thought he’d finally leave you alone to read, his smile reappeared and he got as close as he was before.

“Well, couldn’t I kill you in just as many ways with my hands?” He whispered in your ear smiling at the thought of you under him asking for help.

“While the answer is yes, you would definitely get in prison for that because of the signs on me and everyone being able to testimony that you were with me at the time of my death making you the prime suspect, while I, killing your with poison, will not become the prime suspect because most poisons take time to start showing their signs and kill people so you would be able to meet more people before dying making them the prime suspect for your death instead of me” you explained crushing his dreams.

The jock smiled at you taking again a little step back.

“I… see” he mumbled trying to keep up his smile and think of something to answer you.

“But what if I… erm… didn’t care about going to jail?” He asked whispering, getting close to you again (to your dismay) and sniffing your beautiful hair thinking of you, scared, doing whatever he asked you.

“Well, you would be quite stupid! Getting to jail is no joke, you will have a much harder time finding a job after you get out of jail!” You answer apathetically.

“Then, why would you risk your carrier to kill me? Am I more important then your future?” He asked again smiling while touching you thinking of you giving up your whole life for him made him quite excited.

“No, I just know I wouldn’t get caught… I know what errors killers usually make, I just have to avoid those and I’ll be able to do whatever I want” you explained again.

You were starting to get on his nerves, if your cute face didn’t make up for it he would’ve already beaten you up.

“I see… And what if I force you to come with me, without killing you, and see me play a game just for you?” He said expecting some more scared response to that.

“I’d ask for a restraining order against you” you answered with a plain pretty apathetic voice.

“Yeah but what if-“ he was going to ask but you got up and walked out of the library leaving him alone.

[youremyheaven]

Hey what do you think about people who have the same yoni especially snake yoni ?

i feel like people go too far with the concept of yoni consorts. having the same yoni animal as someone does not mean you're soulmates lol

rohini & mrigashira both have serpent yoni but they're very different nakshatras, i often feel like they attract each other more than any other yoni pairing

mrigashira seems externally lethal but they're actually sincere and soft natured people

rohini on the other hand may appear to be friendly & accommodating but they can be very ruthless, very cunning and act in ways that are completely unhinged

mrigashira is mars ruled & martian energy is a very straightforward one, what you see is what you get but rohini being moon ruled, they're very inwardly drawn, you never know what's their next move; they're adept at manipulation and mind games

ill probably make a post about this someday but moon dominance/moon ruled nakshatras can create very manipulative behaviour (the word "lunatic" comes from the latin word "luna" meaning moon) especially moon ruled men often exhibit straight up sociopathic behaviour if they're not balanced individuals. these people can read others very well and this is not a bad thing in & of itself but the way they use this ability can be messed up

mrigashira is a deva gana nakshatra and imo all deva gana nakshatra individuals have a tendency to intimidate others. the word "deva" means God and God can instil many feelings in people but its the sort of energy or aura that's so powerful that you can't simply brush past it

rakshasa gana folks often get a bad rep but they're not pure evil, they're just extremely self indulgent. rakshasa means "devil" (that's the closest translation at least) and the devil does not care about putting up appearances; he keeps it real

the real "bad guys" are manushya gana folks, they are the ones who have a lot at stake and they are the most susceptible to greed, artifice and inauthenticity; they're the most two faced because neither God nor the Devil care about putting up appearances, neither of them have anything to lose

which being said, rohini is a manushya gana nakshatra ruled by the moon (both other moon ruled nakshatras are deva gana) and i've often felt that rohini natives are more prone to misusing the yin capacity they've been given than other naks ruled by the moon.

rohini men and women also behave entirely differently so there is that as well

[inpursuitofnunchi]

I'm still on the Lee Do Hyun obsession train and i just finished The Glory. And oooof, What. A. Ride.

I think i have a thing for watching good people do bad things. And i love sweet puppy faces indulging in absolutely unhinged sociopathic behaviour (looking at you Yeo jeong).

This show had such a crisp and gripping storyline, there were very few dull moments. The nonlinear storytelling really worked in its favour, snippets of the past revealed at perfect moments. Even though it's a dark, disturbing revenge drama, there were SO MANY character dynamics that had my heart:

1. The OTP of course, Dong eun and yeo Jeong. They were what looks like the grim reaper x golden retriever trope on the surface but both hurting victims of violence underneath. It is slowly revealed why they're fated to be in each other's orbit, but even in the process of the unraveling, it is believable. I love them together, i love how silently unhinged they are, i love how they love each other and i love how they get to end up together, happy in each other's company, able to confess their feelings.

2. Imo-nim and Dong eun: their relationship made me cry. They both made each other so happy and although it was meant to be just a professional relationship, it was truly so much more. It was a kind of sisterhood that dong eun had never had in life, perpetually betrayed. It made me so happy that her daughter got out and i hope that someday she gets to go the US and be with her daughter and have the lovely dinner she always dreamt of.

3. Do yeong and Dong eun: ooooof, these two. SO. MUCH. CHEMISTRY. simply over a game of Baduk?? These two were impossible. Yeo jeong was right to be jealous/insecure coz the daddy energy in this dude was off the charts. I think dong eun unlocked something in do yeong that he didn't know existed and once he acknowledged it he found his lie of a happy life disintegrate like a house of cards. Doesn't help that he was married to an actual psychopath, evil incarnate, pathological liar who would leave no stone unturned to protect her ass.

4. And finally do yeong and ye sol: the best dad-daughter relationship ever. The little girl was too cute and i was surprised she wasn't insufferable thanks to her mom. She had more of a moral compass/spine than the entire group of bullies and their families put together. Glad to see her to fly out of the dumpster fire, hand in hand with her appa, shining that bedazzling smile. 💃

What a great show, overall. The villains were truly hate-worthy and it made my heart full to see their ends. Each one of them was insufferable, and glad they got what they deserved. The good people gave you hope in this otherwise dreary plot and they got happy endings! So much yes for that! This show is a win for everyone involved and especially for Song Hye kyo who had not really impressed me with her acting until now. She did a fantastic job as dong eun and i hope she continues to do challenging roles in the future!

[borathae]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WITH TWO MONTHS??!!!! ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS AND YOONGI IS IN A FUCKING COMA OR WORSE DEAD?! I- I can’t Sibi I just 😭😭😭😭😭😭 this chapter was even more painful, like WAY WORSE?!😭😭😭 I cried through the whole thing, at first a swear to god I was like so she IS a witch after all!!! Her magic awakening got triggered by extremely traumatic emotions and events, but we were right!!! She’s a witch! And then shit started to go south with how she was experimenting on the other vampires and and i was like 👁️👄👁️… ok… questionable methods… BUT who can blame her HER FUCKING YOONGI BOONGIE IS GONE so I don’t blame her, on the contrary I support my unhinged queen in whatever she decides to do to bring her Boongie back 😤 WE LOVE AN UNHINGED QUEEN IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, if a was her I would have probably gone crazy too so 🤷🏻‍♀️ you go oc you’ll bring your love back 😭😭😭😭 also… how HOT of her to be the boss now, and giving orders??? jsksksksk LOVE THAT, Fringella having to call her boss having to do what she says after everything?! GOLD, absolute GOLD jskskksksks in your face you bitch jsksksksk *sigh*… love that plot twist… 😌

Oh and I couldn’t help but to think back at how Yoongi acted in SA and how similar oc’s behaviour is now in a way, seeming cold and angry even with the people she loves and only focused on fixing this one thing no matter what, almost as if she turned off her own emotions without knowing, except when she’s with Yoongi, the only place when she can let down her walls and show her true emotions 😔😔😔😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I’m just so sad that the others are trying to be supportive and only get her wrath and coldness but it will pass! It has to like please let all my babies be happy again 😭 THEY DESERVE TO BE HAPPY ALL OF THEM 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Sibi this was so painful and not YOU being like “oops! I lied! 🤪” your are so meannnnnnn 😭😭😭😭😭

-Shy anon

Answers under the cut

BUT who can blame her HER FUCKING YOONGI BOONGIE IS GONE so I don’t blame her, on the contrary I support my unhinged queen in whatever she decides to do to bring her Boongie back 😤 WE LOVE AN UNHINGED QUEEN IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, if a was her I would have probably gone crazy too so 🤷🏻‍♀️ you go oc you’ll bring your love back

I SUPPORT HER EVERY ACTION! I STAND BEHIND THEM! SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!! SHE IS JUST AN INNOCENT BEAN jfjadjfja 😂

how HOT of her to be the boss now, and giving orders??? jsksksksk LOVE THAT, Fringella having to call her boss having to do what she says after everything?! GOLD, absolute GOLD

I LOVE THAT FOR HER LIKE YES GO OFF QUEEN YOU'RE THE FUCKING BOSS OF THE PLACE also ????? can we ??? talk about the fact how it is just an unspoken rule that the chain of command will naturally fall to OC (aka Yoongi's mate) shall something happen to him? Like, Fredrick and Fringella are literally as old as Yoongi and there are many other vampires who have been on this earth a multiple thousand years longer than OC and yet it was just a rule in the entire community that OC will be the new boss now that Yoongi is mia 😩😩😩

Oh and I couldn’t help but to think back at how Yoongi acted in SA and how similar oc’s behaviour is now in a way, seeming cold and angry even with the people she loves and only focused on fixing this one thing no matter what, almost as if she turned off her own emotions without knowing, except when she’s with Yoongi, the only place when she can let down her walls and show her true emotions 😔😔😔😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

WHY DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING BREAK ME?? DON'T GIVE ME THIS COMPARISON OMFG THIS IS SO TRUE TOO LIKE PLEASE NOOO 😭😭😭

Sibi this was so painful and not YOU being like “oops! I lied! 🤪” your are so meannnnnnn 😭😭😭😭😭

HAHAHHA OOPSIE DAISY 🤪🤪🤪

THANK YOU FOR READING MY LOVE HEHE I WUV UU 💜

[killjoy1996]

Screaming Mental Health

A depressed girl curled up in bed unable to get up, people are calling her and she lies there in tears while sad music plays in the background. A boy who has anger issues breaks stuff, so much broken china everywhere with a rock music score. The manic woman in an office space, who you dont know whether to categorise into OCD or anxiety, frantically arranging things on a desk or scrubbing her hands raw at the sink as beats mount in the background music.

I think you have seen these images in so many movies and series, and they are sometimes applauded for the stellar performance by the actor. The suitable, excitable music in the background while someone is having a breakdown is distasteful, sure. But its a movie right? And all the quick cuts of the camera, zooming in on their obsessive behaviour or their ugly sweaty face while this happens. That is how shooting is done, right?

Well, sure.

Then there is I who sit in my room in overbearing silence. My flat mates or my parents a door away, but they will not hear or see how the pain weighs down and down on my chest till I am slowly running out of breath. And how every time I skip a meal due to gastric issues, it is my anxiety pulling at me, bloated and so full air that I am about to fly away like a sad unhinged helium balloon.

Because while they portrayed mental health and bad moments in the movies, they only showed people with screaming symptoms. Sure, it gets that bad for some people and I really feel sorry for them, but for most of us, it really doesnt even become physically visible, or rather noticeable. I have not had screaming breakdowns while I am with people, it waits till I am home alone and settled in my space. But sitting in a group of friends, I know this is coming as my thoughts race and I believe, I believe with my whole heart that these people really hate me and they will leave me in a moments notice if they could, and I have somehow trapped them here using some fucked up sociopath skills. I dont know who taught me to silently suffer, my mum or the whole line of women who came before her. But i hope they go to hell for it.

It is not of about the lack of representation, but what idea that representation has put in your and my head. My partners have asked why I didn't have the breakdown I had alone when I was with them because I was triggered while I was with them. They could have comforted me. I tell them I don't know why. But I know exactly why. They will see the obsessive behaviors- my picking at skin and nails, the harsh breathing, my broken unintelligible speech and the ugly sweaty face and they will think oh, this one is crazy and I need to leave. (If you see a common theme of abandonment issues, spot on! Now ignore it as I finish this rant.) But then I also end up wondering whether I think too much and made up or exaggerated having a whole breakdown. Is my problem even real? Because those people on the TV with a similar issue definitely looks like they have it much worse than I do. Now you see my point? Well, I hope the fuck you do.

So i keep wondering and wondering- When do I get to have a screaming breakdown like all the people in white movies? They seem to eventually get better after those breakdowns. So here is my big dream in life, to have a screaming breakdown so I finally hit rock bottom and then I can try to get better from there.

[hteragram-x]

Firefighter AU (again)

It’s been a while since I posted anything about this AU, but I got some inspiration and finished new short story. This time about Virgil and Remus briefly discussing their jobs and characters. I think you can read it separately and still get what’s going on, but if anyone’s interested I’ll link previous related posts.

[HERE] is the introduction, [HERE] are some general HCs, and over [THERE] you can find previous story where Remus and Virgil met for the first time :>

--- ----- --- ----- --- ----- --- ----- ---

Word count: 1348

Relationships: technically Dukexiety, but they’re not there yet

TW: mentions of fire (what a surprise), mentions of dead animals, mentions of a car crash, swearing

--- ----- --- ----- --- ----- --- ----- ---

-

The phone rang for about half a second before Virgil picked it up and gave his practiced introduction. It was calm and quick. Then he fell silent and let the woman on the other side of the line speak, listening carefully and responding with a few instructions. In an even voice he explained that the team has already been sent, that the fire engine was on its way. That there was no need to panic and that someone else has already called and now the only thing she should do is patiently wait, sit at a safe distance from the flaming car, and keep him updated if anything bad happened before the brigade arrived.

He made sure the woman was safe, said goodbye, and let the conversation end.

 Then he leaned deeper into his chair with a heavy sigh.

“I have a question!”, the loud yell right behind Virgil nearly sent him flying to the floor. He glared at Remus, clutching his headset and trying to readjust it before it slid off his ears. Why was he still surprised by these random outbursts? He should have gotten used to them weeks ago.

“What kind of question”, he asked in a tired voice very much aware that getting mad at Remus would only make his behaviour more annoying. Or worse… it’d make Remus upset... “The one I answered forty nine times already or something new?”

“A new one!”, Remus beamed sitting on a spinning office chair and moving closer to Virgil. “And if you’re exaggerating anyway you could’ve said sixty nine. That would’ve cost you nothing.”

“It would also cost you nothing to not say that right now, and yet you did”, was a slightly drained response.

"I always do!”, Remus giggled in a surprisingly cute way and leaned even closer, still remembering to not push Virgil too far from the desk. They were both currently at work, so distracting his co-worker too much and slowing down his response for even a few seconds could have potentially tragic consequences. Remus was definitely a careless person, but not when it came to other people’s lives. That fact was often shocking even to those who knew Remus for a very long time.

Virgil lifted an eyebrow making a “go on” kind of gesture with his right hand.

“Okay”, Remus started excitedly sounding as if he was trying to hype himself up to do something difficult. “How do you do it?”

Virgil lifted his second eyebrow in a silent question.

“I mean: how do you stay calm during the calls. Why do you even work here? I can scare you by saying “boo” in quiet monotone. And then you talk with panicking people who just crashed their car into the lamppost like it’s nothing!”

To Virgil’s credit he put a lot of effort to making his brain not fixate on the “Why do you even work here?” part of Remus’ words and not see it as a kind suggestion to fuck off. He mostly failed, but the intensions were there.

“I- I’m not sure”, he responded carefully after a moment filled with sounds of a chair squeaking under Remus who was usually unable to stay still for more than four seconds. “I have a separate… headspace for work, I suppose. I dunno how to explain it. Just like… switching to a different mindset when it’s something professional. Don’t you have the same thing with putting down the fire? I assume you don’t stare creepily at other people when you enter the building that’s in flames”, he added with a small smile, reminiscing their first encounter.

“Usually I don’t”, Remus answered with slightly disturbing, cheerful honesty that Vigil learnt to expect from his chaotic co-worker. “But, yeah… you’re right. I can be calm when I’m professional. And I’m way less tempted to taste fire when I’m fighting it. You know? Like… you don’t think so much about eating a bear when it’s chasing you down the extremely narrow path where trees are getting closer and closer until the forest gets very dark and there is no way to escape anymore.” Remus finished a rushed sentence with wide, light-hearted smile that lit up his face not unlike a lighter with which he almost singed his moustache on regular basis.

Virgil blinked at him and slowly shook his head.

“O- One thing at a time, okay?”, he answered finally. “Let’s leave the bear out of this for now. I know I shouldn’t ask, but did you just say that you’re ‘tempted to taste fire’?”

“Yeah!”, Remus answered with enthusiasm sending Virgil another bright smile that somehow still looked nice despite some unhinged glint always present in his green eyes. “You can make so many tasty things with fire. Like grilled vegetables! Or…”

For some reason, the fact that Remus was vegan never failed to astound the confused operator. Maybe his dietary choices would be less unexpected if he also didn’t rate every dead animal he ever saw on the street on a scale from ‘probably inedible, not enough fur’ to ‘no one touch that! It’s my lunch’.

“…or potato chips!”, Remus finished a long list of foods. ”Those are kinda made with fire?”

“…yes?” Virgil said carefully, not really sure where this line of logic was even going.

“See?! Fire makes tasty things. Ergo, hypothesis, fire is tasty too!”

“That’s… that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard today…”

“Well, jokes on you, because I’ve said something much more stupid only twenty minutes ago. You just weren’t there!”

“I’m not sure this defence is as strong as you think…”, Virgil sighed, annoyed at himself for a tiny bit of fondness that seeped into his voice. “Anyway! Please don’t eat fire.”

“Fine”, Remus said tipping his head back with a huff. “You’re so boring.”

“And you’re a dumbass. I can’t believe I was scared of you at first…”

“You were?!”, Remus asked delighted despite knowing this information before. It was always nice to hear that he actually frightened someone, even if it was a guy scared of drinking with a straw for the fear of chocking on it one day. Or maybe especially if it was that guy.

“Shut up…”

Surprisingly, Remus did fell quiet. They sat in silence for a few minutes glad that the phone stayed silent as well. It was nice to have a few minutes of peace and calm before someone else needed help. It meant that people were safe and it let them just appreciate each other’s company in the half-empty office.

“By the way… I do get the whole ‘work mindset’ thing”, Remus continued suddenly as if they never stopped or changed the topic. “It’s like I have a separate brain and personality that kick in when it comes to these things. I see everything differently.”

Virgil nodded in understanding.

“I’m less scared when I know I have to help someone.”

“Exactly!”, Remus exclaimed, once again almost making Virgil fall out of his chair. “I have that too, but I become more serious instead! So you’re a coward, but a protective one. Got it.”

“Get out of my office.”

Remus laughed and didn’t make a single move to exit the room. He sat more comfortably in his chair, reaching into a pocket for his favourite lighter with luminescent tentacles painted over sparkly black background. It was one of the most “Remus” things Virgil has ever seen.

The next stretch of silence didn’t last as long as Virgil would have wanted. After about a minute his phone rang again, distracting his from very vivid visions of the firehouse burning to the ground because of Remus’ negligence. He gave his colleague a brief smile and promptly answered the call, his head immediately clear – the thoughts about anything irrelevant temporarily forgotten. Few seconds later the alarm went off and the dishevelled firefighter jumped off the chair with a serious expression. He gave Vigil last look seeing his focused eyes and calm, patient face. Then he switched his own brain into appropriate mode and run out of the room towards Roman and the rest of his brigade.

-

--- ----- --- ----- --- ----- --- ----- ---

Next part is [HERE].

---

My one-person general taglist: @imma-potatoo

My one-person taglist for this AU: @isabelle-stars

I used the term “taglist” very loosely here :D

[assassinscreed-photomode]

Been thinking about Ivarr, his obsession and fixation on Rhodri and how it destroyed everything he touched.

Ivarr in Shropshire spoilers. 

Okay, in my second playthrough it was clear to me that his behaviour was a lot worse than it was in Leicestershire. Now this could be for a few reasons. It may be as simple as Ubba not being there to tell him to stop when no one else is around. But I’ve been thinking more and more about obsession and fixation, and what they can do to you.

I’ve put it below the cut because its kinda long and I know Ivarr is a bit polarising. 

These are just my thoughts...

First off, I’m not excusing what he did, what he did was evil.

My theory is that Ivarr has been fixated on Rhodri and the day he can seek revenge for years and years, perhaps since it happened. But has been somewhat private about it.

When I say fixated I mean in its proper psychological sense. Waves and waves on all consuming obsession that never truly leaves. It's something that he could push down through things like distraction over the years, because he had other shit to do, but it never really left him. Always there just bubbling just under the surface.

So when it was announced that Ceolbert and Shropshire would happen and he KNEW that Rhodri was connected to that Region he started spiraling. But because he’s always played up the ‘oh im the crazy guy’ thing, he was able to keep it under wraps, it wasn't as obvious as it should have been to people in his life.

As this hyper fixation on his need for revenge roared up again, stronger now than ever, all these emotions whether irrational or not were finally able to come to the surface and slowly then very quickly poisoned him.

I believe that the Ivarr we saw in Shropshire was the worst version of himself. With the least self control, the most distracted and most irrationally fixated on his obsession.

But no one who he was with was able to fully pick up on this, because they didn’t have enough experience with him. Perhaps if someone like Ubba could have seen his behaviour, and how especially unreasonable and erratic it was becoming, perhaps the situation could have been diverted in some way, before the climax.

I’m not saying he was all good before, but I think he was on a different level in Shropshire.  Because of Rhodri being close, close enough to touch. Physically, finally close enough that  his dream, his obsession with finally seeking revenge, could actually materialise into reality.

He’s a creative guy and he’s smart too, he must have sat and imagined what he wanted to do to Rhodri over and over for years. Ruminated the same thoughts over and over. And now Rhodri was close enough to touch? That made his obsession completely unhinged. The warning signs were there, but NO ONE was equipped to notice, address or deal with it. Not Ceolbert, not Eivor and not even Ubba. He did not know the extent of it in my opinion. No one in his life did.

I think that Ivarr did not talk about the Rhodri situation much, I don't think Ubba had any idea how deep Ivarr’s fixation with Rhodri was. If he had, there was no way he would have let Ivarr be there, be in that situation where his obsession could reach unparalleled levels.

It would have been far too clear that friends and loved ones and everyone would get caught in an unhinged crossfire because all Ivvar could see at that point was Rhodri, everything else just  melted away.

I don't think characters like Ivarr were always inevitably going to be like that. But I do think he was painted as someone who had walls up, he kept people at arms length and he always had thoughts running through his head at speed. I think he was clever as hell, but was crap at articulating it. I think there wasn’t just one part of him or the situation that lead to what happened, but a terrible, devastating lining up of factors.

I do think that in the canon, Rhodri shouldn't have been trusted, and even if Ivarr hadn’t done that evil thing, Rhodri would have done something.

I think this because of Ivarr’s scar.

When Ivarr was trying to explain to everyone what Rhodri was actually like, it wasn’t coming across successfully. It made him just seem like some angry fool, which made him frustrated which made him into an angry fool.

But after seeing all of those scenes a second time I felt like what he was trying to say was:

LOOK AT MY FACE. LOOK AT THIS SCAR, A NORMAL PERSON DOES NOT SCARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS, HELLO?? THIS *GESTURES WILDY AT HIS FACE* IS ALL THE ARGUMENT YOU NEED TO NOT SHAKE RHODRI’S HAND IN PEACE

To me it's like this, that scar is horrific. That scar says everything we need to know about Rhodri. It goes up past his face and into his hair. It is deep and looks very much like it was done slowly. This wasn’t a scar made in the rush of battle, Rhodri held him down and did that intentionally, then let him live. That is such fucked up sadistic shit. That is not normal even for the standards of the world in which this story is set. When I first saw that his scar was all the way across his scalp I could stop thinking about it. I still can’t.

That nasty fucking scar is evidence of Rhodri’s true nature. Ivarr does know this, but can’t articulate it.

It's just so obvious to Ivarr and he can't understand why he even has to say words. Why would anyone attempt to work with Rhodri, shake his hand and make peace when the evidence that he won't respect the peace is right here, on his face.

WHY DO I KNOW RHODRI CAN’T BE TRUSTED?? *GESTURES WILDLY AT HIS OWN FACE AGAIN*

But no one understands, no one sees? And I think that on top of everything else is really what made him crazy, what made him tip, finally, over the edge.

So many spiraling thoughts, he can’t articulate them, and then no one listens anyway because to them he’s not making any sense. That, with obsession and trauma and anger, is a recipe for disaster. And everyone got caught in the crossfire, none more that Ceolbert.

He was on the brink of the deep end when getting to Shropshire, he knew it, I think others like Ubba may have had an inclination but to the extent they couldn't have imagined.

His fixation with what he wanted to do just took over, it boiled over, finally. The whole situation was a recipe for disaster but no one had any idea. Even though it was literally written all over his face. 

It was an obsession no one had a chance to understand, until it was too late.

He was truly lost in the sauce by the end

[project-paranoia]

Live Watch: Guardian  Episode One, Part One

It's Guardian!  The show that got me interested in this genre!  I love spooky things and I love mysteries and fantasy!  I simply adore it so much!  When I can't sleep I just put on a playlist of Guardian in the background.  I was aware of censorship before - every country has some version of it, but to some degree this was my first deep dive into how it might effect a piece of media.  Guardian is exceptionally acted and incredibly written, as well as suffering from obvious dubs where the dubbing voice actor sounds nothing like the previous actor and odd cuts that are disrupted.  In some ways it's the little drama that could fighting its way past their studio going bankrupt while they were filming, reshoots, and being taken down and altered several times.

In some ways Guardian's struggle fits the spirit and aesthetic of the show. Worn in like an old pair of jeans but still making an effort.  Putting emphasis where things count and hoping the kindness of the universe will make allowances for the rest.  Attention to detail where the story really matters.  It has the charm of a community production put on out of love with actors and crew who would not be anywhere else in the world for any amount of money.  That feeling of love comes through, and whether or not I'm barely literate I have so many words to share.

Part of why I love it as well is it has that feeling of 80s and 90s fantasy, like Moomin, Xena or Condor Heroes. Everything feels lived in, nothing's been spit shined except for Shen Wei's suits. It's an old city street of a show, it has history and character built in. 

*After all that I don't know that I have a tonne to say about the intro.  It's very good but it's also full of spoilers.  I think having the intro song be in English does make a difference in making it appealing to English speaking audiences as well as standing out as different and interesting, which the show is. Speaking of Spoilers!  Spoilers below!

* The obligatory beginning narration is beautifully animated, I have another post that will be done some time before the heat-death of the universe talking about the fascinating world building options.  Unlike some Make It SciFi plots, this one has legs and implications.

* Remakes rarely are able to meet the original on equal ground - and I struggle to believe the actors would Fit as well - but part of me really wants to have a chance to have the Dixingren worldbuilding really leaned into.  The writing is good enough we get implication but no real follow through.  I want fifty episodes of how Dixing functions, give me more pseudo-science behind the mutations, what are the biological differences.  I'm hungry for more!

* I love the cameos of later characters, and the way there was some effort to be discrete with spoilers.

* It's Ya Boy!  I love Shen Wei.  With that music cue and that sinister turn around they really set him up as dubious.  I wish they went with something a little different with the intro so his character wasn't spoiled.  The writing, directing, and acting was so good and spoiling who Shen Wei is kind of took the teeth out of that.

* Also cheers to the costume designer who outfitted Zhu Yilong so well and made him look jacked with the fit of those clothes.

* Also you can tell this is a real university because the staff has to sit in tiny student chairs.  I'm not joking, please be warned if you're going into academia.  Unless you have tenure life is An Adventure - and even then.

* Also shout out to Shen Wei's Prized Cabbage and the Queen of our hearts, Li Qian.  Why is this actress not in more things?  She has such an expressive and lovely face and she really goes all the way in with her acting.  I respect an artist that acts from their chest. Also that windbreaker, white skirt combo is chic and fun all at once, it draws the eye and makes her melt into the background all at once - perfect for the character.  I love her so much.

* Here's another one of Shen Wei's coats, it's a lovely color for him but it also is so thin that it looks like it crinkled up just from being worn.

* I'm being distracted by details and missing plot stuff.

* Story of my life.

* I love Li Qian hovering along behind Shen Wei like a duckling following their mother.  A) Mood and B) it quietly informs their dynamic.  Shen Wei has like one person he can trust but no one he can really confide in and it's the same for Li Qian. A ship will find a port in a storm and Shen Wei has Big Da-ge Energy. My fanfic heart hopes they found comfort in the pseudo familial relationship with each other while it lasted.

* Even in episode one we receive foreshadowing, we love and respect some excellent writing.  For those of you who missed it - Professor Ouyang is talking about Lin Jing who I love partially because he's so outrageous large but has the total opposite of intimidating energy.  

* What did they feed you Lin Jing? He is so tall and wide, but they do a lot with camera work to try to make him not quite as big.  Side note, I would really love to see the actor who plays Lin Jing (Liu Minting) both in more dramas but more specifically in a role where he was like a minister or scholar - someone intellectual.  I think the combination of being such a big gentleman and also someone who like plots or plans would be really dynamic if it was written well.  

* Also I like the exchange where without a word Professor Ouyang indicates he has one last thing to say, it's private and that he would like Shen Wei to ask Li Qian to leave. That's What You Can Do With Good Actors!

* Li Qian is just so pretty and the actress emotes so well!

* Shen Wei totally understanding what's going on with this shady research immediately and wanting to stay as far away as possible.  We see one of the first examples of him being aggressively polite to remove himself from a situation.

* "i'M jUST aN oRDINARY sCHOLAR." No one buys it Shen Wei.

* Angy Thinking Face

* One thing the show is really good at is using establishing shots really well so you always know where everything is and everything is going

* Guo Changcheng, all around good boy and angel.  We stan a nervous legend

* Zhou Yunlan Arriving.  Why is everyone on this show an Absolute Legend

* Guo Changcheng protecting himself with his certificate is too cute.  This young man is trying his best and I support him.

* Also that coat is Young, Pure, Stylish; I love it

* Zhao Yunlan, what's wrong with you? You are amazing!

* His irreverent style and disregard of usual policy makes him fit in really well with his band of misfits and special cases

* Guo Changcheng's OO face is too good, elastic face

* Da Qing my love!

* Jin Ling, I think he has an all seeing eye on his hoodie thing. Illuminati Confirmed.

* Also they filmed the shots so well, so you always know where everyone is in relation to everyone else

* Our Prized Cabbage!  I love her!

* Great handheld work: shaky and unhinged, but not migraine inducing

* Foreshadowing in the form of a shadow and reaching for the necklace

* Da Qing's cat behaviours. I really want behind the scenes of the actor discussing how cat was he going to cat

* We get our first real example of how Zhao Yunlan doesn't feel safe emoting negatively and so he uses a super sunny mask to hide his feelings, except with Da Qing who he lets his anger show with because he trusts him.

* I'm not even halfway through and I've written so much, peace and blessings to the readers of this.

* Zhao Yunlan's swagger, after his childhood having a little power must feel comforting and good

* I love how Da Qing is talking as a cat less than a meter from the medical examiner.  Does the examiner not care or does he know?  Is he deaf?

* Harassing Guo Changcheng is the new team sport

* Zhao Yunlan Realises Something Music

* Also, Lollipop Measurement

* It's nice to see Zhao Yunlan just being himself with Da Qing, he's able to really be honest and genuine with him

* Slow Look Moment

* This moment is so fascinating!  Shen Wei doesn't know what's going on yet.  He just sees an old friend who winces when he sees him and disappears.  We mostly see things from Zhao Yunlan's point of view, but from Shen Wei's perspective this is a first part of just some Odd and Confusing Happenings

* This cat though!  I love him!

* The delicate way they’re both feeling each other out.  This must be so confusing and startling for Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan is trying to figure out if this teacher is going to bust him or what.

* He forgot to let go, way to set off Zhao Yunlan’s suspicions

* “Mark Stewart” Is he though?  Who picked out that English name?

* Li Qian!  I love her and I love that striped blouse. Fashion.  Got to look good when you’re resisting a mental break. *Also she hears a meow and looks around at eye level, I love that for her.

* Zhao Yunlan!  You can’t take pictures of young ladies without their permission.  What is wrong with you!

* I love Da Qing’s very cat attitude of I Will Have Vengeance for These Wrongs

* Two for one! Shen Wei meets two faces from his past.

* Also, I get a little frustrated about people making a big deal about the 10,000 years versus 1,000 years age thing with Da Qing.  a) He has amnesia and b) the thousand years refers to the amount of time needed to cultivate to a certain stage in Chinese mythology - usually by absorbing energy from the sun, moon, or depending on the animal other sources.

* I feel so bad for Shen Wei, who knows what he thinks.  Were his friends brainwashed?  Did they forget?  Can they not say for some reason?  What is happening?

This review is getting a little long, so join in tomorrow for Part Two~~!

[sometipsygnostalgic]

i was thinking about finn's dynamic with the girls in s5/6 again the other day, that breakup arc was the closest i ever got to dropping the show. i do love how he eventually cops on and learns how to relate to them outside of a romantic relationship, like i LOVE the sit down chat with fp in bun bun. looking back do you think it was ultimately necessary or at least realistic having to go through that slog of him not respecting the girls? i cant make up my mind on it

ahhhhhhhh......

i never expected AT to throw life lessons in our face, it clearly demonstrated the consequences of Finn’s behaviour - people no longer trusting him to act maturely, people breaking their connections with him. 

It was painful to watch our protagonist do this though, while we were already going through multiple storylines with characters getting more unhinged. Seriously seasons 5 and 6 have EVERYONE go off their rocker! Maybe it would have been more bearable if our protagonist didn’t lead the charge. 

My issue is how “unresolved” some stuff is. Fubblegum is a big mess! Sure, her interactions with him in seasons 1 and 2 make sense (she sees him as a lil kid with a crush and she thinks its adorable), but what about Too Young? Did she have feelings for him or not? We still argue about it to this day :P And what are the moral implications if she did? In season 3, why didn’t she sit down and say, Finn, back the fuck off? Why were her feelings still left ambiguous in Burning Low? I don’t think the crew themselves had the answers. It makes it very difficult to talk about these days LOL. 

But if you look at this from her perspective, PB doesn’t have to explain shit. The only sketch thing is the kiss in Too Young. Maybe from the perspective of the crew (and Ice King), de-aging affects her mentally as well? Who knows. She certainly ain’t responsible for Finn’s heartbreak in the season finale, or in Burning Low, and I think the crew grew to regret how they handled her in earlier seasons. After all, they basically killed her off to make her 13 so if season  2 was the end of the show, Finn would have a “happy ending”. 

Maybe that’s part of why “Too Old” exists, to thoroughly murder that ship with pitchfork and fire. And then they reconstituted their relationship later on, with them actually redeveloping a friendship. They never fully addressed the start of the show, though. 

“Frost and Fire”, “Too Old”, and “The Red Throne” (and “Rattleballs”) have our protagonist act like a shitty teen and face social consequences for it. I thought that it was a big jump from “Burning Low” to “Frost and Fire” though. It didn’t seem like he’d..... naturally go from deeply caring about FP’s safety to the point of burning his face off, to letting her beat up/get beat up by Ice King? If you harken back to season 1′s “What Have You Done?”, Finn tells PB he can’t beat up Ice King for no reason, but what does he do here? It was a pretty damning change of character. 

Maybe they thought it was important to show him maturing in a way many teens could relate to, warts and all? Show Finn messing up and making mistakes, but eventually learning how to treat the people he was interested in respectfully, and keep good boundaries. That’s why I like the “open” relationship with HW, and why I love “Bun Bun”. 

As for whether I think it’s worth it: Well, it made the payoff a hundred times better, sure. I just wish that it was filtered out with more of Finn acting like a reasonable human being somewhere inbetween. 

[simptasia]

lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes

jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves

kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”.  just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini

hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)

sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly

locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes

sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women

jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun

sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening

claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up

charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall

ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters

(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)

juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))

michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?

(i’m sorry)

desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot

smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha

miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]

walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him

shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)

(gee, that was dark)

richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream

frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist

boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot.  (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)

ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved

daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning

libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley

eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”

charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world

danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit

alex: just a young lady with no chill

jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley

christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die

aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents

vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog

[ghostofbambifanfiction]

Can you be more specific on why you like Arya and Sansa? So many people like Arya for being strong and fierce, but for some reasons so many hate Sansa for what she was like in the earlier seasons. Can you give specific instances why you like both of them? And why not Daenerys? Thanks! (I'm just really curious, please indulge me :) )

I’m going to talk about Dany first (and I’m sticking to the show here, though I have read the books, but they’re never getting finished, let’s be real), and then I'll put my thoughts on Sansa and Arya in another post (hey, you asked, so I’m delivering) because otherwise this will go on forever and it’s cleaner this way. Putting a ‘read more’ here because this is long (lol I’m at work I should be working)

To preface, I would not dislike Daenerys as much as I do if she didn’t want to be queen. I’ll touch on this when I talk about Arya, but I appreciate characters who have the self-awareness required to know who and what they are. Since Daenerys does want to rule Westeros, I have so many issues.

I also think the eighth season is going to see her turning on most of the people she’s currently allied with and I think the catalyst for that is the discovery that Jon is the legitimate child of Rhaegar and Lyanna, and therefore his claim to the throne supersedes hers. I’ll gladly admit that I’m wrong if I am, but right now I don’t think I am. Here’s why.

1) She is an ineffective ruler

After Dany liberated the slave cities of Astapor, Yunkai and Meereen, she stayed to rule and did a terrible job of it. Nobody in particular was better off, the majority of the slaves she freed were homeless and scraping for food in mess halls, and she killed elders who had spoken out against slavery without even listening to what any of them had to say. She has the mind for conquering, not for ruling.

(side note: why does she even want to be queen? It’s something she just seemed to jump on in season two without ever reasoning it out, and from there on in it’s like an obsession that has grown inside her. Now she says she wants to make the world a better place but she hasn’t the skills to do it. It should be enough for her to liberate oppressed societies and allow somebody qualified to fix them. But it’s not.)

The truth is, Meereen saw no real improvement until after Dany skipped town on Drogon, because Tyrion had the idea to replace the slave trade with actual trade. He made changes that impacted the city’s economy and allowed its residents to start supporting themselves, so of course, the slavers attacked just as Dany came back, at which point her bright idea was to decimate an entire armada when she needed ships. Tyrion had to talk her out of it. Which brings me to her next point.

2) She requires constant babysitting

It’s ironic to me that Tyrion told Cersei that “the difference” between Cersei and Daenerys is that Dany knows herself well enough to hire advisors who tell her not to do dumb, impulsive things, firstly because that is such a low bar, Tyrion! There are people out there (Sansa) who do not require that kind of monitoring! Secondly because Cersei is far more self-aware than Dany.

Cersei knows that the things she does are bad and does them anyway because fuck it, she knows she wants power for power’s sake. Dany has such a narrow view of justice that actually thinks she’s being righteous when she burns people to death (more on that later) and that is the most dangerous mindset a leader can have. Compare that, if you will, to Sansa, who quite sensibly told Arya that chopping off heads might feel good but that’s not the way to make people work together. Jorah, Tyrion and Jon have all had to speak out against Dany’s more violent predilections and she’s fast running out of people she wants to listen to. She and Tyrion are certainly hanging on by a thread. Which brings me to my next point.

3) She mistreats her own Hand

The relationship between Dany and Tyrion absolutely reeks of Aerys and Tywin, their respective fathers, who were the best of friends until Aerys’ jealousy and paranoia forced them to opposite sides of a bloody war. Dany is all too happy to take credit for Tyrion’s best ideas when they work (and he is happy to let her) but as soon as one of his plans go wrong she whirls on him and berates him like he’s a piece of trash. Everything’s his fault when a plan goes wrong.

When he brought up the matter of the succession she accused him of plotting her death with his brother, which not only is batshit insane but proves that Daenerys gives far less of a shit about the future of Westeros than she claims to, because if she cared that much, she’d care about planning to carry on the legacy she wants to build. She can’t seem to forgive Tyrion for the heinous crime of…loving his siblings? Trying to broker the most peaceful end to the war? Not wanting his brother to die?

Honestly, her treatment of Tyrion is one of the most telling aspects of her character and I am aghast that nobody seems to be talking about it.

4) Like all of the maddest Targaryens before her, she gets off on burning people

This one isn’t subtle at all. Sorry to drop the intellectual veneer for a moment but she fucking loves that shit. It doesn’t bother her a whit to watch people scream as they’re being burned alive. She takes pleasure in burning people, you can see the satisfaction on her face, and a good leader should never take pleasure in something like that.

(FYI people like to mention how Sansa smiled when Ramsay’s dogs ate him when I make this point and to that I blow a raspberry. That was her personal moment of justice against her rapist and abuser, not the lord of some house who wouldn’t submit to her, there is no fair comparison)

Dany was smiling like a satisfied cat when she burned down the temple of the Dosh Khaleen and killed everybody inside it, which was something she did to seize power, by the way. She didn’t do it to stick it to a bunch of misogynists, though I’m sure that was an added bonus. She did the exact same thing Cersei did to the Sept of Baelor and for the exact same reasons, yet only one of them is painted as a villain by the viewing public even though you can argue that Cersei was also sticking it to misogynists when she killed the High Sparrow. The only reason for that is that Dany was given humble origins while the narrative told us that Cersei was bad from the very beginning.

Theon is still beating himself up for killing and burning those two farm boys — as he should. Stannis burned his daughter and everyone was horrified. Jon was so repulsed to watch Mance Rayder burn that he defied Stannis and shot him in the heart. How many times is the show going to have to tell us that burning people alive is a terrible act of evil before people stop cheering Dany on for it? When Ned Stark was Lord of Winterfell, he understood and felt the weight of executing a man. Jon feels the weight of it, too, as we’ve seen on a couple of occasions. Sansa clearly thought long and hard about executing Petyr — that’s what her moment of reflection on the battlements was meant to show us. Dany just… doesn’t care. I think she cared a bit when she had Daario execute Mossador, but I can’t think of any other occasion where she has been directly responsible for a death and been remotely bothered by it.

So. yes.

I think the reason a lot of people – and in particular a lot of women – support Daenerys is because she has a girl power narrative. She does have a girl power narrative, it’s true, but that is not a good enough reason to support a character who on so many occasions has proven herself to be unqualified for the job she wants, not to mention bordering on dangerously unhinged and increasingly paranoid. In that sense I think her season 1 narrative was genius, because her origins and the way in which she started to gain power (as well as her gender) has granted her a kind of automatic forgiveness for behaviours that several male characters – and Cersei, most importantly, because she also has a girl power narrative (and she and Dany are two peas in a pod) but the show told us she was a baddie from episode one – would be dragged through the mud for. And I’m sorry, but it’s not good enough for me. I’m not going to support a powerful female character just because she’s a powerful female character who did some good things once. Powerful women can be good or bad.

Some other points re: Daenerys

The dragons are weapons of mass destruction and need to be killed. They’re nukes with wings. She’s burned her own people with those monsters because fire doesn’t fucking differentiate. Sorry not sorry.

The Targaryens are literally GRRM’s interpretation of the Aryan race. It’s practically in their name.

“I have tried to make it explicit in the novels that the dragons are destructive forces, and Dany has found that out as the tried to rule the city of Meereen and be queen there. She has the power to destroy, she can wipe out entire cities, and we certainly see that in Fire and Blood, we see the dragons wiping out entire armies, wiping out towns and cities, destroying them, but that doesn’t necessarily enable you to rule – it just enables you to destroy.” – George R R Martin, folks.

One of the show’s directors, Jack Bender, made a reference to Hitler when talking about her. He said we should be “horrified” by her. No shit, Jack. No shit.

“Do you wonder if the gods ever get lonely?” Just… this line. Get a grip, woman.

[thetrashbang]

PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds Needs A God

No multiplayer game gets to live in a void for long. No matter how hard you may try to bleed yourself of troublesome concepts like context, or backstory, the reality is that people like to speculate. People like to tell stories. Doesn’t matter how goofy or outlandish; the creeping tendrils of narrative eventually wrap around the foundations of even the purest, most context-free experiences. Why are we bombing these crates? Why are we stealing that flag? Why are we fighting? Why are we here?

Somebody will come up with an answer. It’s the human thing to do.

But for PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds, it feels like that answer has yet to come. One hundred players parachute onto a deserted island, where the average density of firearms per square meter exceeds even the most deranged fanatical NRA wet dream, and a slowly constricting hemisphere of crackling blue energy forces them to mercilessly gun each other down until only one is left standing. It’s an absurd, nightmarish premise; a theoretical scenario seemingly engineered to turn people into rabid beasts, fighting tooth and nail merely for the privilege of living a few minutes longer. Who would orchestrate such a competition, and for what purpose? Is it an experiment? A ritual? A blood sport? Is some Silicon Valley bazillionaire sitting in a darkened room somewhere, surrounded by monitors, cranking his sad rubbery hog to every rifle crack and arterial splatter? Nobody seems to know, or care.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t either; PUBG is fun enough without framing. And yet, tonight’s winds bring an uneasy chill, carrying whispers of restlessness, indignance and fury. You feel it, don’t you? There’s a philosophical schism in how we approach Pubguh—the very concept of ‘battle royale’, even—and the hairline fractures are beginning to show. Players whine and gnash their teeth at the red zone, esports organisers desperately attempt to harness the format for views, and the proverbial chicken dinner seems to attain a more and more mythical, trophy-like status by the day; a reference to back-alley gambling now ironically viewed as a badge of ultimate prowess. This isn’t a healthy relationship. This isn’t a healthy attitude.

What Plunkbat needs, friends, is a god.

Well, okay, not necessarily a god god. Divine power is optional. I’m not asking Brendan Greene to start wearing a white toga and chiselling his patch notes into stone tablets, as much as it would set an entertaining precedent. The job requirements are flexible: I’m simply asking for someone vengeful and capricious, with unfathomable intentions, inscrutable thoughts, and—at least within the bounds of the playable space—immense, unassailable power. Like any god, you need not supply scientific proof of their presence; you merely have to attribute sufficient existing phenomena to them, and change people’s collective perception of the world. Ooh, got’em.

See, battle royale games represent an important shift to me. I’m a competitive person by nature. It’s etched into my mind, irreversibly chiseled by years of test scores and parental praise and all the other ego-stroking bullshit that you were subjected to if you were a certain kind of ‘gifted’ child. “You’re the best. You should be the best. You should be winning. Why aren’t you winning, what the heck is wrong with you?” So it bleeds over, into hobbies, work, and of course, online shooters, in which I regularly demonstrate that I have an innate… whatever the opposite of aptitude is. I react slowly, I zone out, I bean myself on the head with my own grenades, and if you exert the slightest bit of pressure, I’ll empty half the magazine into a wall and drop my weapon through a gap in the floorboards. I’m not good, and yet some unreachable, fundamental part of my conscious will never be satisfied with that knowledge.

You would think, then, that Pubby-G would only serve to exacerbate this mindset. And yet, in a world of delicately tuned esports that are built from the ground up to be pure, unfiltered tests of skill, it feels like the only game to grant a genuine absolution of responsibility; a kind of freeing fatalism. There’s a sense in a lot of classic multiplayer experiences—like, say, Counter-Strike—that every outcome is more or less deterministic; a product of a series of controlled variables and actions. With every failure comes the overwhelming impression that it could have been averted, given enough competence, foresight, and concentrated guarana. By contrast, a porridgey cocktail of chaos flows through the veins of battle royales, surrounding you with factors that are not only impossible to influence, but—in many cases—impossible to know at all. You are swept up by the gusts of a hundred butterflies’ wings, tossed to and fro by the whims of the random number generator, bombarded with unavoidable risks and squeezed into unmanageable situations. It’s easier to go with the flow, accept that at any given moment you may have your head unceremoniously taken off—by somebody lying flat on a distant hill, or hiding behind one of the game’s ten thousand trees, or concealed in a shrub on the far side of the Moon—and concentrate on all the minute actions you can make to ever-so-slightly nudge the odds in your favour.

But it’s not always clear that this is the reality of Puhburger. With its vast scale and often languid pacing, encounters can feel like isolated incidents, detached from the cascading series of events that led up to them, despite being anything but. Anyone can parse the map for circles of safety and non-safety, and understand that their arbitrary placement gives certain players an advantage; it’s less apparent that the figure in that upstairs window might have had their sights trained on the area, or seen you first, shot first, picked up a better weapon, obtained a better vantage point, or some other action, because of a dizzying permutation of astral alignments that neither of you could even begin to grasp. So we get futile attempts to establish a level playing field, find meaning in accomplishment, divine fair elements from unfair, and generally make things needlessly stressful for everybody involved. Except the infuriatingly smug yours truly, of course.

How do you make that clear, though? How do you concisely impress upon people that their fate is almost entirely out of their hands, in such a way that they adopt an attitude of acceptance? Blaming the roll of the dice doesn’t come to mind as swiftly when you never see them rattling around, nor the way their innumerable ripples propagate across the map. Furthermore, as current events have taught us all too well, it’s a lot easier to ascribe fault to individuals than to an invisible, fundamentally hostile system. So what do you do?

You give the system a name. And, if you can, a face.

Allow me to momentarily slam us into reverse. When Valve released Left 4 Dead way back in 2008 (oh god, it’s going to be ten years old this year?) they made quite a song and dance about the game’s AI Director; an invisible, unknowable entity that would dynamically dole out items and zombies in a manner consistent with the tenets of dramatic tension, ensuring players were subjected to a “fast-paced, but not overwhelming, Hollywood horror movie”. While the opacity of the AI Director’s machinations always made me a tad sceptical of its mechanical effectiveness, giving people a name to pin the blame for all their earthly woes on was a masterstroke. Notorious video game jokesman Yahtzee Croshaw—the one with the hat and that trendy 00s cynicism, remember?—reported that he once witnessed someone praying to the AI Director, and I bet you all the pipe bombs in the world that players’ personification of it didn’t stop there. Short of making a catastrophic error, I never saw anyone get chewed out for not pulling their weight, and when tones got heated—as they inevitably do, when you’re throwing yourself against the frigid slopes of the higher difficulties—they were directed in the vague direction of the director: for its expectations, for its lack of pity, for being unfair. Awareness of our lurking orchestrator changed our perception of the experience, even though we couldn’t entirely prove it wasn’t just somebody sitting in a black box, disinterestedly flipping a coin over and over.

So, why not do the same for a game that does? Put a face on the system that holds a fundamental grip on who lives and who dies. You don’t need to change a thing under the hood; you need only introduce the vague implication that the evolving state of the battlefield is a consequence of a thinking, feeling, mysterious overseer. A bloodthirsty oligarch watching from their lavish observation zeppelin, a dystopian TV network broadcasting a deadly future sport, an amoral team of government agents sealed away in a bunker control room, an inexplicably sapient Shiba playing with a selection of levers, or indeed, a literal deity. People will take the faintest contextual cues and run amok with them, ascribing everything they can to the will of the one who set this conflict in motion: item drops, circle position, all the way down to the subtle spread of their bullets as they sail through the air. Yeah, maybe it’ll start off as a running joke; an ironic indulgence, the “thanks Obama” of Puddlebounds. But that’s the thing about ironic behaviour: get enough people doing it at once, and you’ll cultivate sincere participants without even realising it. We will learn to absolve ourselves of responsibility, and engage in the unhinged pandemonium of battle royale with the mentality that befits it.

There’s just one problem: you need to be able to keep a secret.

I’m still working on that part.

[lottesseenaghoul]

RE:169 quick thoughts before I go into rabbit hole of tg posts on tumbler (edited)

So I was expecting the scans to come out on Thursday but was surprised to see some fresh panels in the uta tag and FLIPPED.jpeg at my behavioural economics lecture. Honestly not the best place for getting a nosebleed xdd

Anyways here are some of hot takes I got from reading the chapter. More nuanced meta probably on its way. I read it on mangastream and I did screenshots there.

The chapter starts with the first part of Uta’s tattoo quote and ends with the second part, forming a sort of narrative framework to read it.

We jump straight into the fray, with contrasting shots of Yomo’s damn fine looking face and Uta’s there as well, clearly guided by very basic thinking and mostly intuitive, emotional impulses:

Like this is typical, stereotypical “unhinged” face people do in mangas. A mix of enthusiasm and bloodlust, it says this guy went “insane”. Ugh. Uta’s mental health warrants a LOT of unpacking nevertheless so let’s leave this face’ implications for later. 

We glimpse their fight styles then:

Uta is on the offensive, honestly his is such forceful, visceral way of attacking here - straight up fuck up your opponent with the sheer force of your blow. He is shown to be a lot more nuanced and deliberate in previous fights, steering clear from attacking and content with evading the blows, dealing some psychological damage afterwards. But that is Uta just half-assedly toying - clearly he doesn’t stop himself with Yomo. The reasons can be manifold - that’s how they’ve always done it; he’s so pumped, he stops thinking and loses himself in pure bloodlust; he’s in a serious crisis - this is my preferred angle.

Now his fighting style, besides the raw strength behind it, is also quick and agile. In a second Uta gets behind Yomo, and tries to strike through his body mid-air. His face looks like this:

Very unstable.

Uta’s pupils are incredibly large here - again, a visual reminder how little conscious control he might have in this situation. OR how vicious his intents are.

My impression is that when he’s led by such murderous motivation (whatever its composing parts), Uta moves intuitively, we don’t see him playing around or allowing to be struck. Here he has the initiative but Yomo can so far fend off or otherwise deal with his attacks.

I’m honestly so thirsty for Yomo in this chapter, just look at this fine motherfucker:

{I’m interjecting to thank my lord satan for my pan-shipping, slutty heart because now UtaRen became another ship I love. Add in some Itori and you have another one. This one just keeps on giving <3}

Also Uta is so messy here, my baby all playful like a rabid hyena. 

Despite all the refinements older Uta keeps about himself (suave clothing, neat hair, designer mask studio, antiques in glass cases, chess), he didn’t seem to have done much growing up, emotionally. Donato comments on it like that:

You just gotta love the fact that for most of the manga Uta keeps the facade of actually being the least reckless of the ghouls. But I trust Donato on this, who seems to know Uta’s darker impulses fairly well. Possibly better than Yomo and that dude got his fair of beating from Uta too.

What got me interested is how Amon had commented how pointless Clowns endeavours were. Initially I thought it’s Donato who said it, but later on he tells Amon that he would soon understand...

Oh Amon looks fine AF too. Be still my slutty heart!

Furuta says something possibly pivotal for the incoming plot arc:

(IDK wtf this is, but if even Furuta comments on it as if he was both grossed out/scared, it must be important. Oh, he meets Kaneki too, no biggie. “That’s just freaky!!”, I love you Nimura)

Back to my boys, Yomo is getting beat up but mostly evades Uta’s attacks and looks more and more pissed. Uta just looks like a dumbass. Or rather as stupid as cats who torture smaller critters for fun and recreation do:

Also we get a glimpse of his kagune. It seems to be very elastic, easily changing shapes as Uta sees fit. It was just this gigantic mass of RC cells in the beginning panels, now it’s much more resembling the spider legs en masse that we remember from his fight with Juuzou:

But what is most important here, we finally get the first shot of Itori. She is wearing a mask in the beginning, and it’s important in context of what Uta will be saying shortly: edit: It’s Itori speaking, thoughts on that in a different post.

She’s an observer in that panel, very significantly voiceless, not shown to be nearly as amused as Nico here:

Uta’s Itori’s words are honestly a key to Clown’s philosophy and deserve a meta of its own. [In the beginning I thought these were Itori’s words, especially after I saw “Kanekichi” being mentioned; it’s how she had referred to Kaneki before.] - no wonder, it was my brain’s way to remind me I was far too concentrated on Uta to consider the awesomest queen Itori :/

Uta Itori says something very interesting here:

Obviously, if he were to be an OEK, first or the second one, that would be right up the alley. But even if not, it hints at very interesting possibilities. I want to see Ishida expand on it in some flashbacks. 

The most important words are coupled with shots of Itori slowly taking her mask off. It has a very dramatic effect.

Theres a heck ton to unpack here. Honestly I would never think Uta would look at his value system from that particular angle. Edit - and he wouldn’t because he is currently in the midst of a mayor meltdown. It’s Itori who actually bothers with explaining.

He She refers to the coldness of their existence as ghouls, of how senseless it is - like a vast, cold void stretching infintiely in front of them. 

Uta’s ways of searching for warmth are probably the only ones somebody as uprooted as him could come up with - he sees drawing blood, wounding (but also getting wounded - Uta seems to have a very laissez faire attitude to him perishing eventually as we remember from his talk with Donato).

According to Uta  Itori, Yomo is the warm one. For him her, it’s via bloodletting that he can get closer to taste it. Edit Uta def seconds that in the panels to come with his own actions

 I still think there’s some theatrics involved in this speech, as the next panel shows....

God, way to make your opponent unsuspecting of your next move Uta. 

And we get another important shot of Itori. She’s clearly positioned as somewhat stradling the line between Uta and Yomo but this series consistently shows her as being closer to Uta nevertheless.

Her eyes are shining so bright here, it’s clear she’s in deep thought and possibly a bit torn apart with what’s happening here. What Uta says clearly strikes a cord but her taking the mask off, idk it may signal some important differences between her and Uta’s worldview. That or it’s a sign she identifies with his words deeply. Edit ditto, these are her words and the scene took entirely different meaning and made me Love Itori, the first time since reading the series.

Honestly Uta is just beginning tho, as he has some creepy words about dreaming of the day where he would get his hands stained with Yomo’s blood. He actually left Yomo on the ground to have this mini speech properly. He’s posturing as far as my impressions go - Uta reverts to his younger persona, sans earlier sentiments of not wanting to cut his fun short by killing the only one ghoul who could match him somewhat. 

The most important thing in this chapter is what Yomo says next...

Here Uta is, going off about his strange blood kink and Yomo goes all shonen manga on him. But it’s not the same shonen posturing he did in previous chapter. We don’t see his eyes - we see Uta’s and that dude is honestly #shook. 

Naturally he reacts in ways only Ishida can think of. Honestly how Yomo’s words are literally drowned out by Uta’s uncontrollable and histerical laughter is such a masterful move:

This is the guy who dug up Ren from the ground because he was his “friend”. Now he’s just a mouth apparently.

Idk but this seems like the key panel for analyzing Uta from psychological angle. This dude most pronounced feature is his mouth which is nothing like human’s or ghoul alike. It’s like he’s truly the chaotic trickster god with none of the sentiments he was hinted to possess.

I was talking with @gaiajulz and I love how she pointed out that it seems like Uta is actually drowning out Yomo’s heartfelt words and he isn’t even fully aware he’s doing it. With Uta’s firm worldview, he’d rather go full crisis-mode instead of acknowledging how vulnerable and in need of closeness he is. 

Honestly Uta is soo Washuu-like in this panel, like Furuta’s older brother or something. First screech like a  Cthulu monster and then do a little happy dance!

What’s important is how Uta links what he sees as Yomo’s nivete with his emotional honesty and lack of any hidden agendas. Yomo is pure and good and this is why he is naive enough to trust a world like this. Uta saw so many sides to it, he literally sees no other option than to play the fool, including fooling around with one of the precious few of potentially close people in his life.

I also think he kind of looks like crying? From laughing so hard maybe. 

The chapter ends with my baby going full kakuja (predictably it’s his shifty face that’s the most inhuman part here, just a mass of flesh) and this flirty words:

Renji seems so shocked, it’s possible he had never seen this form. Either way he’s speechless.

And Uta’s philosophy is hinted at again - he’s willing to trample his friend just to feel anything. 

What we are dearly in need of is some good meta on Uta’s mental health, how his values feature into it and how his own actions contribute to it unraveling. Obviously such speculations are about as scientific as psych profiling but I feel it would be very important to try and understand this character better.

And boy, is there a lot to unpack here... 

Edit - crossed the parts where it’s suggested it’s Uta who summarizes Clown’s philosophy. It’s Itori and I don’t get my brain could hint at the discrepancies in my own thinking but not make the definite link. Gotta love that sweet ADHD folks.

[ill337erate]

Lazy dorian gray thoughts

I FINALLY finished reading the picture dorian gray last night, the night before the first english class lmao took me a positively shameful amount of hours to read it all but i have a lot of feelings and thoughts!!! None of them will be as coherent as the book deserves but what ya gon do Feelings include but are not limited to: - basil hallward did nothing wrong and his feelings were pure - lord henry did everything wrong but i still love the bastard, just like eveyone else - dorian gray had it coming to him - and made too many excuses while it was coming to him - Imo i think that while lord henry did exert a corrupting influence on dorian, all of what dorian did was his own damn fault. What he did to sybil and basil and everyone else was not out of some ideological poison lord henry had instilled in him, they were things he had the potential to do all along. For one, lord henry never became as disreputable as dorian and i think it's pretty clear that he kept most of his scandalous behaviour in the form of words and quips and retorts. I don't think he acted on half of the things he said, and didn't really mean most of them either. The other people he knew weren't driven to ruin merely by being in the presence of his ideas. For another, i feel that dorian very much a button waiting to be pushed; if lord henry hadn't triggered his metamorphosis, it would've been someone else, something else. i sincerely think he'd eventually become just as foul as he did in the book. All roads lead to the corruption of dorian's soul - when i learned that wilde said lord henry was his public self, basil was his private self, and dorian was who he wished to be, and my poor heart passed away. Listen to me. Listen. Alfred was a cunt to him whenever he needed him most but Wilde still loved him hopelessly, and always found it in himself to forgive Alfred. No, something in Wilde always forgave Alfred, whether or not he truly wanted to. I know this dynamic too damn well. He is basil and basil is him and i am upset and upset is me - for real wilde could do much better than being dorian lmao. Easily the worst person in the book and not because of the unhinged sinning but because of his petulance and fickleness and overall childishness. The man did not have a single real conviction or original thought. His feelings were so paper-thin that when he started having real ones he tried to dope himself free of them. Wilde. Why did you aspire to this. because he's a pretty face? fucking dandy - lord henry was sooooo transparently wilde's voice lmao!! i'm glad to know that he's a glimpse at the way wilde was, at least while in society. Every bit the witty, willfully provocative, insincere yet charming conversationalist i'd have expected. Apparently wilde's friends recognized some of lord henry's lines as being his favorite epigrams. (Neeeeerd) - casual sexism and antisemitism in the story: not cool, very unfortunate :/ nuts how the victorian era proudly bore the most massive stick up its butt wrt Morality and Decency but this shit was just fiiiine. What a hellhole - on a similar topic: the damn. Self-censorship. Wilde's edits to his original transcript fall mostly under two categories: improvements + additions, and toning down the homo in an attempt to appease the Delicate Victorian Sensibilities. There is straight-up murder in this book and that didn't have to be made "less shocking" but a man expressing tender feelings for another is WAY OUT OF LINE. It doesn't change the book, really--it's all still very obvious--but it hurts?? It hurts that until not long ago, hell, even today still, this sort of shit happens. I can't even formulate a sentence to finish this thought bc it's so senseless and cruel. Love shouldn't be censored - i'm so glad and relieved that basil was treated by the book as not only a sympathetic character, but (explicitly!) as someone who could have saved dorian from his descent into absolute depravity. It's pretty obvious that wilde was more than chill w/ his own same-sex attraction but knowing his inclination for hedonism he could've still considered it to be an immoral thing he indulged in. basil being who he is makes it clear to me that wilde absolutely did not think of it as such, not even a little bit. (Made even more obvious when he was first being tried for gross indecency & was asked about "the love that dare not speak its name," a line from a poem his lover had written. he improvised, went on and on abt how it was "a spiritual affection" between and older man and a younger man that was pure and natural and misunderstood and HE SOMEHOW CONVINCED THE COURT THIS WAS NO HOMO) i'm just, SO glad abt that

[d00dt00nz]

Obligatory promo stuff at the top because it sucks and I hate it and let’s get it out of the way! follow me on twitter where I’m active, check me out on spotify for music, or like my facebook for sparse updates on music stuff. Thank you. The Cover art is by Ellie Tison

This one’s a lil bit long so I’ll put it behind a break

A while ago I posted about a song that was called The Howl that Lay the Canyon Bare. I mentioned that there were a few false starts on that song. One of those songs was a ripoff of Jackson Browne's The Pretender. Basically, while I didn't like the song, it became some kind of freakish mushroom creature. It budded its spores and they grew into their own creations. There was another song that came from it but it's not very good and I didn't use it. This song, however, did.

Basically it came from me wanting to write like, a fast paced and kind of old fashioned rock song. Not necessarily a standard blues rock structured song, but maybe something that was had the same force and power. My old song had some lyrics that I liked “I'm gonna get a good job in the city, I'm gonna buy a big screen tv/I'm gonna make a lot of friends and forget their names, 'cause they don't mean much to me”. Sometimes I think it's a shame for lyrics to go to waste because I always have a pretty tough time of writing them. A lot of times I'll just pluck lyrics from unused stuff, which is a little annoying because then I can never use that unused thing.

That lyric was written while I was still working at the RESP place and I was feeling pretty miserable and gross. I felt evil. I wanted to write something gross. More recently when I actually wrote this song proper, I was feeling a little less evil, but still very aware of those same evils. This was back in Febuary when my boss had recently laid off everyone except me. The amount of work hadn't reduced. He'd essentially used Coronavirus as an excuse to save a few bucks on his business. To this day, we don't have any masks, sanitizer, or gloves. The car the company gives me is literally falling apart. I have no right rearview mirror, the transmission is broken so that sometimes the engine just revs but the car doesn't move, the AC is broken, the winter tires are still on, the entire car shakes all the time, and up until recently it'd stall if you took a turn too sharply. If you can recall that time in Febuary, it was also when there was a whole asinine debate in the media about how many deaths were “acceptable” to keep the economy going.

Obviously I know that capitalism is “evil”. We all know that somewhere in the back of our minds, and saying it in that way (especially online) is pretty trite. At some point I started reading books about socialism in my spare time. I don't claim to be an expert, I couldn't make it through Kapital (that fucking thing is like a thousand pages and he spends the first 200 talking about a coat). I just want you to understand that it is something that I don't just invoke for cheap jokes. I think it'd be a good thing. Anyway, the evils that capitalism is based on really started to show their faces around that time. We had to let people die because we couldn't let the system slow down. A lot of liberal leaning people like to begin and end the conversation with “greed”, as if so many problems could be solved if we fixed the individual, personal problem of greediness. Maybe that'd go a long way if we could somehow magically shame people into good behaviour, but the way things are set up means you'd have to convince the people who make the rules to act against their own interests. The whole idea is silly.

The entire idea behind a neoliberal model of capitalism is a lack of true accountability. Kurt Vagnathghet (note to me, fix this spelling later when you have internet. Or don't and leave it in as a dumb hilarious joke) has a little part in Cat's Cradle where a brilliant engineer relinquishes his position as president because he is uncomfortable with authority – he'd rather be told what to do. The narrator wonders why until he begins delegating tasks to the engineer and realizes that the engineer has now managed to detach himself from his own humanity. He simply has become a cog in a system that sustains him. He is free of any real accountability because nothing is his own decision. He simply carries out orders because he must in order to maintain his own place in the world. That's kind of like the model we have today. Everyone is beholden to someone. Even CEO's are beholden to shareholders. Even shareholders are beholden to other shareholders. They cannot act against their own interests because there will always be somebody to replace them waiting in the wings. Yes, they make the rules, but they don't make the rules collectively, which means that if they stop “playing the game” then they'll lose what they have to somebody who is. I'm not saying I have sympathy for these people, I'm just describing the mental gymnastics that this system demands. I don't believe that people are inherently evil or selfish, but I do believe that we have a system that benefits those who are selfish and punishes those who are selfless. It's a self sustaining system where nobody is really in charge of their own life and the only real way to feel any control over your situation is to become vile – and the more vile you become, the more control you feel. It's not a question of staying true to your values, it's a question of how evil will you allow yourself to be.

Of course this only applies to people with that ability in the first place, as in people who are white, from a wealthy family, live in the western world, that kind of stuff. In my more unhinged moments I consider this about myself. I don't know if I could ever be in a position to take advantage of people, but what if I could? How much would I be willing to screw people? How immoral and wrong would I act if it meant a life of comfort? What if I just started scamming and hurting people? What if I “played the game”? How amoral would I allow myself to become before it wasn't worth it? These are questions I don't know if anyone can really answer. It's disturbingly easy to take an opportunity when presented with one. I'd like to say that I would stay true to myself, but would I? Would anyone?

Over the course of history, our ruling class effectively managed to replace the task of governing with a series of complex and often injust or imperfect systems. Over time, even the highest powers in the land have become beholden to something – something that is no longer even human. Something incapable of moral judgments because it does not think. It turns out we were living in the matrix a long time before computers were invented (That's really corny but let me have this one. I want to feel cool okay?). They created this system to absolve them of responsibility, and in doing so have rendered themselves powerless.

I wanted to outline this grotesque reality and my own personal worries in the most grotesque way possible. I didn't want to create nu metal, so I went to the second most grotesque form of music: 70s rock and roll. I wanted to have this angry frantic energy. It was really fun to record because I rarely get to just have straight aggressive 8th notes like I'm some sort of punk. It's also nice to just crank up the volume and the compressor and have a good time with distortion and different guitar tones. I love the dry sound that I was able to get. I do have to say, it's tough to keep that tempo and energy up for an entire song.

Vocally it's not the most difficult song, but a bunch of fun to sing. You get to be really aggressive with your delivery, and there's a bit of a showiness to the melody. For better or for worse, it's got that musical theatre kid energy to it with some old fashioned sounding musical phrases. I kinda like it for that. The lyrics are really unpleasant, so it adds to the fun where I can just say all this ugly shit and have this frantic energy behind it. At one point the compressor I was using did something weird on the vocal take, and it really jacked up a particularly deep breath I was taking. I decided to leave it in because it added to the vibe. I thought it'd be a weird quirk. Like the sound of somebody doing a big fat line of coke. Just getting fucked up.... Real twisted shit.

On the chorus I decided I wanted to add a little bit of variety and put in some sax backing. It was supposed to mingle with some vocals, which would have been a cool effect but the effect never really came through. I'm still not 100% on how to get a good sax sound out of a recording. At any rate, it does give this big echoy chaotic sound which I was pretty satisfied with so I left it in.

The solo section, I'm not so much a fan of. I think the guitar solo I did was pretty bad and amateurish sounding. There's this big buildup and then it's like this stupid meandering guitar solo that sounds like a 14 year old did it. I got my brother to record a guitar solo, which is technically a much better guitar solo, but honestly I wasn't a huge fan of the feel he went with in the context of the song. It felt a little bit too surf-y, and he didn't use any distortion. I kept it in and combined the two, which helped make things feel a little bit better, but I'm still not big on the part. There's also a harmonica bit. I kinda broke down and went back to my old standby of “well let's just make this part really noisy” which is a little bit of a crux, I admit.

In general I like the song. It's fun. It's fast, it's mean, and it breaks up some of the more introspective stuff. As well, I've just been feeling really uncomfortable with releasing an album of introspective naval gazy music. Like, I get it, I don't really have a platform. It's not like many people listen to me. Still though, there's so much awful shit going on in this world right now that I'm fortunate enough to be mostly sheltered by. I haven't participated in any protests either. I feel like I have to talk about it. In the end though I'm just busy with this self absorbed bullshit. I'm glad, then, that there's something political on this album that captures that feeling. I hope to be a little bit more worldly with my songwriting. I've done at least two very personal albums, and two high concept albums, I hope to maybe turn my focus outward into the world next time.