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honeydots · 5 years ago

Note

200. “He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it.” ~~ This has some Vibes and I kinda like them so? I'd like 2 humbly request your take on this w/ shukita or akeshu if it's ok to ask for!! -- dorky-arsene (a sideblog)

“He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it”

Hello no I didn’t forget about these I am just slower than a little baby turtle!!!!! Anyway

Summary: Goro’s new job leads him to discover that dealing with both a crush and an idiot while flipping burgers is, unarguably, the worst turn his life could’ve taken.

cw: sexual themes (+p5r spoilers)

(ao3 link)

“Hello! Would you like to try our Big Bang Special Combo Shot-Straight-Through Promotional Meal for ‘Thy Father of Corruption 2: The Daughter of Rejection’ for ¥850?”

Goro wanted to quit.

You need this job. You need this job. He’d repeat to himself each time a customer decided they were feeling peckish. You will have no money if you quit and then you will have no home and then you will drop out of college and then you will die.

He’d left the police department after graduating. With his past plans of an 18-year life expectancy having slipped down the drain, he hardly had a reason to stay. High school had been an uphill battle with cases of murder and robbery breathing down his neck, and he’d hesitated to even make an attempt at trying to juggle his priorities in university. Dropping the detective gig meant dropping the media attention, too, which gave him breathing room he certainly knew he needed, but never really had.

The problem was, after three years of fading out of fame and living off his savings, he realized this wouldn’t stretch as far as he’d predicted. He hadn’t accounted nearly enough for the expenses that came with the unwelcome enforcement of trying to live as a proper human being. His bank account was growing meager. If he wanted to keep living (which was arguable) in the way that he was (which he did) he’d need an income. Almost anything would do, as long as it would bend and break to his schedule.

And, all things considered, he technically had connections here. And ever since… that, the pay had actually increased to a respectable amount. The management had rehired, retrained, and improved. It was fast food, but it was livable. Nothing shameful about being livable.

And god fucking dammit he had already done three interviews with no hires and he needed food other than half-cooked ramen noodles and bread slices.

“Can I get you anything else, sir?”

That didn’t mean he didn’t loathe every minute.

It was bad enough that he had a job at Big Bang Burger. And, bad enough that he’d been desperate to get it. It was bad enough that he had to bring in his homework like some anguished used-to-be honors student now getting barely passing marks. And christ, it was bad enough each time a customer would walk in, a hamburger-shaped icepick would slam itself into his frontal lobe, forever ingraining the memory of his premeditated brain murder of the former CEO of this very restaurant.

All of that, and he couldn’t stress this more, was bad enough. It was entirely shitty all around. Completely awful, and damming, and humbling, though he hated to admit it. He’d like to say it couldn’t get any worse. That this was the end of the line, get off the train before it turns around, don’t get stuck in the never ending cycle of beef patties and sesame seed buns.

But, god, of all the coworkers.

“Ya know,” said Sakamoto, leaning down on the front counter after their customer had left, “I dunno if clenching your teeth like you’ve got peanut butter stuck in there counts as ‘service with a smile.’”

Sakamoto Ryuji. The boy who had the opposite of a filter, and more like a megaphone spewing recordings of every profanity in the Japanese language. He, who had walked in on Goro’s second day and loudly declared, ‘I thought I smelled something, what’s this a-hole doing here?’ Really, who else could he tolerate spending eight-hour shifts with; greasy stoves, piss poor customers, and the ruthless scent of lysol on tile included?

Ah, right. Anyone else.

Goro pressed his lips together. “Hm. Well you know, I was almost certain that elbows on the counter was a fireable offense.”

Sakamoto snatched himself up in a second, elbows up high. He hung there and looked around the empty restaurant.

He pouted. “Not cool, dude. That’s only when there’s customers.”

Goro raised his eyebrows. He was really just going to stand there? He looked like an idiot, or a chicken. A hybrid that, if anyone could pull off, would be him. He was making a great show of it, too.

Sakamoto narrowed his eyes. “Unless you’re a snitch.”

Goro spoke in his most syrupy sweet voice. “Are you implying then, that your job is in my hands? An entertaining thought, Sakamoto.” If it were only that simple to really get him fired. Unfortunately, their manager seemed to love his enthusiasm. Every moment he spent enthusiastically mopping floors and singing into the handle was a moment Goro could’ve been writing soliloquies of his growing and newfound hatred for Carly Rae Jepsen.

Sakamoto folded his arms in a huff. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about, man! Look at that fake-ass smile.” He shook his head. “And I get customer service blows and stuff, but you use it for everything. Lighten up dude! Take a break.”

Sakamoto said things with such confidence, such surety. It made his teeth grind.

“I’d prefer to keep my job,” Goro said, and gave him the sweet smile Sakamoto was arguing against. “Though, if you’d like to pay my rent for me, you’re more than welcome.”

He acted like he hadn’t even heard him.“Maybe it’s ‘cause you’re so gloomy all the time, your face just doesn’t know how to work it. Look it, check me out.” Sakamoto pointed his thumb at himself and flashed a toothy smile. “Just like that! All natural, bro. It’s easy. Come on, you really try it this time.”

Goro very clearly did not. He stared with his most obsolete and ‘stop-trying-to-have-a-conversation-with-me’ look he could muster. He’d communicate it telepathically, if given the chance.

“That doesn’t look like trying to me,” Sakamoto said expectantly.

Couldn’t they just sit in silence and wait for their fabrication of getting-along time when the next inevitable customer came in? “Perhaps, and please let me know if this is too complicated, I simply have no intention of trying, because I don’t believe there’s anything to fix.”

“Nah, that’s not it,” replied Sakamoto, as if he was being thoughtful.

Another reason why he was completely obnoxious was because the longer they knew each other, the less that Goro’s flawless stone faced looks worked. Sakamoto kept spewing hot air. He’d gained some kind of tolerance, and it was tedious to work around.

Sakamoto leaned back down, previous elbow warnings forgotten. “I bet you’re the kinda guy who’s super ticklish, so you act all boring so no one suspects it.”

“I’m not,” Goro snapped.

“Quick reply there, buddy.”

Goro didn’t answer to that. He didn’t owe it to him. This was pointless; why did Sakamoto find such pleasure in talking about pointless things?

He slouched further down. “So it’s silent treatment now. You’re checking all the boxes over here.” He waved his finger through the air. “Check, n’ check, n’, check.”

Goro was getting a headache. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Betcha you’re super ticklish. And like, one of those cry-laughers.”

“Sakamoto, did you hear what I just said.”

He stretched up from his position on the counter. “Like if I poke you in the side, I bet it would make ya jump.”

“Do not.” He could just try it. Goro would bend his finger back so far it’d break. He wondered if that would be a viable option to get him to stop talking sometime.

“Didn’t say I was gonna.” He rested his arms behind his neck. “You’re just proving my point more, though.”

Sakamoto was annoyingly stubborn at times. Once he found a niche with Goro, he’d hack his way in and grab on like a tick. Bother him like it was his last chance he’d ever get, as if they didn’t work shifts together four times a week. He was bound to get lyme disease at this rate.

Goro felt like a very frustrated pair of tweezers.“Can we talk about anything else, please?”

Sakamoto went quiet. He was just looking at him now. Goro tensed up. Was he really going to try and poke him? He meant it, he’d break his hand.

“Ya know, there is something I wanna talk to you about,” he said.

Goro did not like the sound of that. “Oh really.” He tried to sound like he was just told he was about to be given a lecture on the intricacies and details of lentil soup. Which, perhaps could be more interesting than whatever topic Sakamoto was about to pull out of his ass.

Sakamoto sniffed. “Yup. It’s about Akira.”

Oh, he really didn’t like where this was going. “Sakamoto, I—”

“When’re ya gonna like, confess.”

Goro visibly winced. Dammit. He knew he’d bring this up one day. He was absolutely infuriated Sakamoto knew about that, and he hadn’t even told him. He’d been making guesses and Goro had been just tired enough during his shift to let a hint of a sigh out, and Sakamoto had taken that to new heights. Another example of conversations being had that Goro would’ve just about died to get out of.

Sakamoto was still staring at him. Didn’t he have anything better to do? Goro knew they didn’t at this good for nothing job, but what was so hard about just acting like you’re busy. You’re pretending then, at least, and that’s something.

“Well, dude?” asked Sakamoto.

Any conversation is better than that one.

Mother of fuck.

“I…” Goro started, adjusting a piece of his hair, “I suppose I am a little ticklish.”

Sakamoto’s face lit up. “Dude, for real? Called it,” he said triumphantly. Had Goro not known him as well as he did, he’d think the divergence in conversation was a trick to get him to admit he was a bit… touchy. But he did know him, and he wasn’t one for games like that.

“Most people are, it shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s skin sensitivity, nothing more.”

Sakamoto shrugged. “Still funny you admitted to it.”

Sure. Very hilarious. Yet another fact Sakamoto now knows about him that he’d really have rather not shared under any circumstance.

“Satisfied, now?” Goro asked, but it wasn’t really a question. He didn’t plan on expanding, this was embarrassing enough as it was.

“Nope,” he replied, “cause that’s great and all, but I really gotta know the game plan.” He leaned in close to Goro, and he in turn leaned farther away.

“There’s no ‘game plan,’ Sakamoto. Please don’t get so close to me.”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” He moved back, obviously not finished. “Come on, though, you gotta have something.” And back down on the counter he slouched.

‘Something,’ he’d said. Yes, and that something was to keep his mouth shut and go about his life keeping each and every one of those mortifying feelings to himself. It was humiliating enough that Sakamoto knew. Telling Akira? He didn’t even want to imagine it. He’d rather face Okumura-san herself and ask her to buy one of their Shot-Straight-Through combo meals.

“There’s nothing. And I don’t plan there to be anything. And, it’s not really much of your business, is it?” Goro could feel himself growing irritated.

Sakamoto melted further into the counter. “I just don’t get why you’re not gonna ask him out if you like him. You might as well, man, it’ll be fine.”

What simple ways of thinking. Do this, get that in return. Black and white, and right and wrong. Spill your fleeting moment of vulnerability and try not to think about the extensive hole of commitment you’re burying yourself in. One turn of phrase, one word, one misplaced breath to Akira would forever rupture the sorry excuse of acquaintanceship they’d been flip flopping through for the past three years. Akira was a blank slate and simultaneously the person he knew best. He knew him, but didn’t really, and he could never tell what he was thinking. Suddenly he was gambling again, and this time it came entirely unwelcome. Risks you face before death and risks that you’ll keep living through no matter the outcome tasted different. One was tangy and sweet and thrilling, the other was bitter shit. Not to mention that Akira was too kind to him for his own good. He couldn’t even tell what was a lie.

But, Sakamoto didn’t need to know all that. “You say that like there’s nothing to consider. As if I’ve never even given this thought. You do not belong in my head, Sakamoto. And I do not need to give you, an obvious outsider on the entire dilemma, any sort of justification for why I’m going to continue to abstain on something as trivial as a confession.”

Sakamoto huffed at him. “What if I said that I gua-ran-tee he’s not gonna say no to you.”

Goro was already sick of this. What, had Sakamoto expected his heart to skip? His pulse to rise? That just the very thought of mutual feelings would send him into some flustered mess? Please. He told the tingling feeling going up through his legs and down his arms and up the back of his neck to shut the fuck up.

He couldn’t stay quiet for long. Sakamoto could and would get ideas. “Then why doesn’t he just tell me that himself? Why are you playing wingman for him?”

“Cause he’s not gonna say anything cause he’s got to be worried that he’s gonna freak you and your crazy attachment issues out!”

Of course, there it was. The blind bet. Sakamoto’s one-way thinking at it again, and Goro would not have it. “I’m not going to start playing some game with him about the complexities of whatever idea of consent he has in his head. I don’t need his sympathy, and I am certainly not looking for it. I don’t have time for something messy and half-assed. I don’t want that, and surely he doesn’t, either. If he feels any way about me, he’d ought to tell me, because then maybe we’d find some kind of leeway. But I will not let him sit there and wait for me to make the first move, like a key element in his plan. This is not some teenage romance, and I am not a caricature of his love life. He can wait patiently all he’d like, but I’m perfectly content as I am now.”

Sakamoto seemed a little stunned.

“Man, he’s just…” He trailed off. They sat in silence.

So ways still existed to get Sakamoto to stop rambling on. He was sure he’d regret saying this later, for a multitude of reasons. He didn’t hate Sakamoto, even saying dislike felt strong, but he always talked about things that Goro had no interest nor inclination to discuss. Maybe silence was for the best between them, for now.

“He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it. That’s all it is, dude,” said Sakamoto.

Goro inhaled. So he wasn’t done, then. “Love… is an entirely different conversation.”

“Okay, fine, you want me to say he ‘like-likes’ you like some fifth grader? Cause he does.”

Goro didn’t reply. He’d made his point.

“He isn’t playing one of your weirdo mind games,” Sakamoto continued. “I think you’re thinking too hard about this. He’s just a guy. He just wants to make sure you’re all comfortable and shit. Cause it’s not like we don’t all know the bullshit that was goin’ on for you.”

“I am not looking for his pity.” A fine thing to say while working at a Big Bang Burger in a bright yellow shirt and starred apron. It didn’t matter. He didn’t wear this with pride, per say, but he wouldn’t ask someone to feel sorry for him.

He didn’t exactly want to be seen, either. Especially not Akira, but of course he’d make habits of visiting. That was just like him, and it was just like his pity, too.

Sakamoto looked frustrated. “He ain’t pitying you, man! He’s tryin’ to respect you! He knows you got things to go through on your own and he’s trying to give you space and everything.”

Goro clicked his tongue. “If you know that’s his tactic, why are you trying to pressure me into this?”

“Cause I don’t care, dude!” Sakamoto said, and then stopped himself, and promptly looked very guilty. “Well, okay. I do care. Like, I do. But sometimes…” He looked like he was trying to pick his words out carefully. He had an idea, just no way to form it.

He settled. “Sometimes, you just gotta get laid, man.”

At this point, Goro found himself shocked that he wasn’t banging his own head against the counter.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re twenty one years old! Dude, I know you haven’t gotten any,” Sakamoto argued. “Your gay ass with emotional problems? Get outta here.”

“This is not—”

Sakamoto put his hands up nonshalontly. “And like, yeah, no judgey stuff, take your time if you gotta. But have you considered it? Tell me. I betcha you haven’t.”

Goro opened his mouth, expecting to reply with an incredibly well thought out ‘fuck off,’ but the automatic doors slid open, and suddenly Goro was all smiles and greetings, so what came out instead was, “Hello! Welcome to Big Bang Burger! Would you—ah.”

Sakamoto snorted loudly, and Goro wanted to kick him so bad.

And actually, what was stopping him? Sakamoto had earned this, and it’s not like this customer would care.

Because, who else could’ve been just about summoned by the trouble than Kurusu Akira himself; strolling in so casually through the doors, like he hadn’t just become the most unpleasant topic of conversation Goro had ever had with Sakamoto. Speak of the devil was an understatement, or perhaps he was the devil himself.

“What the eff, man!”

“Hey you two,” said Akira, hands in his pockets and clearly bagless. He didn’t even register Goro’s kick, like that was just some normal occurrence. Somehow, that made him angrier.

“Yo,” said Sakamoto, recovering annoyingly quickly. Goro wondered if he should’ve considered breaking his finger.

Sakamoto reached out to Akira for a fist bump. “You don’t have the cat with ya?”

Akira bumped him back. “Nope. Just me today.”

“Sweet,” Sakamoto replied, a smile growing wide. Goro hated the look. It was the hungriest and most dastardly shit-eating grin he’d ever seen him dare to make. So, knowing Sakamoto and his terrible poker face, he had thought up some idiotic ploy.

“What’s up with you?” Akira asked, and thank god it wasn’t directed at Goro. Sakamoto’s obviousness did not go unnoticed.

“Oh nothin’, nothin’,” said Sakamoto, entirely conspicuously, “I gotta go, though, grind never stops. Super secret stuff in the back.”

Goro glared at him. So now he would pretend to be busy?

“Burger secrets,” Akira said, and Ryuji gave him a finger gun in reply. He walked off without a word, but apparently felt the inclination to jerk his head back at Goro, as if he didn’t know what he was doing.

He sighed. No amount of alone time would ever compel Goro to confess at a Big Bang Burger, of all places. At least Akira tended to be a little more bearable in conversation. He hoped he’d be an in and out customer. “Can I get you anything?”

Akira looked at him for a moment. “You look flustered.”

Goro felt himself twitch. He wasn’t flustered, like some preteen who can’t hear the word genital without bursting into laughter. If anything, Sakamoto had caught him off guard with his stupidity. He obviously was not one to be so affected by such a topic. He was an adult, and a professional. He would again not think about the fact he was wearing an orange visor right now.

“I’m positive that isn’t a menu item,” he replied, keeping his pleasant smile plastered on, keeping any stray annoyance from showing.

Akira examined him closer. “Do you have a fever or something? You look red.”

Goro drummed his fingers against the counter impatiently. What was he supposed to say? Sorry, Akira, Sakamoto just decided to kindly push the image of you railing me as a form of twisted therapy into the forefront of my consciousness. Would you like any drinks?

“I’m fine. I’m not the type to go to work sick,” he decided on instead.

“Really?” He didn’t seem convinced.

Goro folded his arms. “While living in a society where health is determined by the trust of the majority, I have no plans to spread my germs to an unsuspecting businessman, in that I expect the same from him.”

Akira considered that for a moment. “So you’re embarrassed, then.”

Goro’s expression turned sour. He was not in the mood for a debate. “Everyone seems to be presuming things today, have I missed a memo?”

Akira didn’t miss a beat. “Ryuji said something?”

Goro dragged his fingernails into his palm. He was hardly being that obvious, he wasn’t a bumbling idiot who couldn’t keep a straight face. Akira was just acutely good at reading people, (namely, reading him) and it drove Goro up the wall. It was unfair, for one thing, since Akira continued to maintain blank expressions in the face of clowns and hookers, keeping his inner thoughts kept behind lock and key. And, as of more recently, he was the one person Goro really desperately wanted to hide every wandering emotion from possible. Just his luck, fall for the bastard who analyzes people as a side job for his savior-complex living.

This was making him more frustrated. “Would you just order?”

Akira looked at the menu, but Goro knew it was bullshit. He ordered the same thing every time— a shake and a burger, no tomatoes. He certainly already knew what he wanted, but was just causing trouble in the meantime. What an annoyance. Goro punched it in, and made no moves to go and cook. If Sakamoto was going to have his “business” in the back, then he could stay there and do his job.

“Sit over there, we’ll bring it to you when it’s done,” he said, and Akira silently obliged. He gave a small smile before he turned, leaving Goro completely alone with his thoughts as he sat at his table and scrolled through his phone.

He couldn’t believe the timing of Sakamoto’s distasteful comment to Akira’s unseasonable entrance. Things always seemed to fall into place with Goro, just not the right places. The right place, but a little down, and to the left, the left, he said. He wished Sakamoto would mind his own business, let him quietly pine until his untimely death; which kept getting put off, might he add.

Sakamoto emerged from the back end of the restaurant. He was holding the bag of presumably Akira’s food, and his shake. He waved them enthusiastically.

“Go on, dude,” he smirked.

Goro was blunt. “No.” He’d pissed him off enough today. He wasn’t going to walk over there and serve the food. Sakamoto’s little idea of love, romance and marriage in a burger joint would have to wait. Ideally, it would get itself stuck in wet concrete, and drown way down under where no one could see it and where the light of day would never reach.

Sakamoto seemed to catch his drift. “Jeez, fine. Huffy, huffy.”

He walked over to Akira with a spring in his step, and they started chatting idly. Goro couldn’t hear. In all honesty, he was trying to tune them out. His headache was growing worse. Pounding in his head, every light too bright and repetitive music blurring together his thoughts. And of course there was the elephant in the room, who was whispering to him Sakamoto’s crude suggestions, and the irritating notion that maybe he was right, just a little bit.

He needed to get himself together. He was acting like some horny teenager. Get fucked, you raunchy elephant.

Sakamoto left to let him eat, and made a show of going back to the other end of the restaurant, all while wiggling his eyebrows at Goro. In turn, Goro made a show of rolling his eyes and planting himself facing away from Akira. It made Sakamoto laugh, for whatever reason, and Goro just ignored him.

He watched the door idly and tried to relax. He’d been clenching his teeth, and his jaw ached. He tried to focus to get his headache to fade into obscurity. He couldn’t find much to concentrate on, was his issue. Other than the obvious, which he would ignore without remorse. He wanted to go home. No lights too bright there, no sloppily cleaned windows, and especially no crush (the word left a bad taste in his mouth. Boy who has left him emotionally compromised after giving him no reason to deny he had worth in the world and keeps him up at night thinking about the way he really tried to will him back into existence when he could, god, have anything else in the world, and he wanted him. Was that a better option?) sitting out of view, chewing quietly and doing absolutely nothing to draw so much attention to himself. At home he could drown it all out in a cold bath, and let himself think of nothing but his numbing toes and pruning fingers.

“Hey, catch,” Akira said, suddenly there and startling Goro out of his bathlike daydream. He tossed something onto the counter. Goro did not catch it.

It was a napkin, all folded up in a careful way. It didn’t hold the shape well, but the intention was pretty clear. “Um. A crane?”

“Yup. Present for you.” he started, rubbing his neck, and he had the nerve to look bashful. “I got bored.”

Goro hadn’t noticed him making it. Which, alright, did make sense, he was purposefully keeping his neck away from that entire half of the restaurant. “Sorry we aren’t quite the height of entertainment here.” Goro lightly touched its head. He didn’t know Akira knew how to make these. “Well, thank you, I guess.”

Akira pushed his glasses further up his nose. “You’re welcome to name him.”

“I think that I won’t.”

“That can be pretty trendy, too,” he replied. “I’ve gotta go. Class. Tell Ryuji I say bye.”

“Bye, dude!” Sakamoto shouted from the back. There was that tiresome enthusiasm again.

It made Akira smile.“Nevermind, then. See you.”

Goro just barely lifted his hand by the wrist to wave. “Bye.”

Akira turned, gave him a small trill of his fingers, and left. Sakamoto did not return to his exit, and Goro savored the moment. It was just him and the crane, now.

It was pretty shoddy. Unfolding, and barely standing up on its own. Cheap paper napkins were not the ideal material for origami, it seemed. He watched it slowly fall apart, wings losing shape and the head relaxing into its neck. Akira had hardly stayed long, so that meant he was probably pretty good at this sort of thing. He wouldn’t have guessed.

…He thought about how it might look on proper paper. The creases sharp and crisp, the ends pointed and still. What would Akira’s hands look like while they worked? He could hear the sounds of the folding, and the wedging, clean paper being bent and rippled. Delicate fingers, working through, meticulously checking every last inch. Sometimes a pinch, just where it’s needed. And then finished, folded tight, wrapped together in itself. Very quick work, with the touch of a hand.

“The heck is that?” Sakamoto said, getting an actual jump out of Goro.

“What?” he gasped, and took a second to collect his thoughts. At work. Sakamoto came back. In a Big Bang Burger. Headache present. Good fucking god. “It’s just…” He pressed his fingers into the side of his temple “It’s a paper crane. Akira made it.”

Sakamoto let that sink in.“You tellin me you were just sitting here staring at the thing Akira made you?”

“I wasn’t,” Goro replied, trying desperately to catch his breath as casually as possible.

“Uh, you literally were.” Sakamoto got uncomfortably close to him again. Goro physically moved away, because now was not the time.

It didn’t deter Sakamoto whatsoever. He put his hands on his hips and gave an annoying grin. “Bro, you gotta tell him… You’ve obviously got it preeetty bad.”

Goro was fed up with this. This conversation needed to end, or he thought he might explode. “I don’t ‘have it bad,’ Sakamoto, stop bringing this up.”

Sakamoto smirked at him. “You so do though, is the thing.”

“I don’t. Leave me alone.”

He shrugged his shoulders, and kept his mouth shut. He was acting so haughty, like he’d won the argument. Which, he hadn’t, for the record.

That stupid crane. All it’d done was make things worse. And what was it even doing? Sitting here crumbling away into uselessly folded paper. A cheap napkin made of other recycled cheap napkins. Clean and crisp paper was a long sought after dream, a fantasy and nothing more.

You know, this was just it, really. This is what he meant. Akira would try and fold him up and he’d inevitably fall back down. He didn’t know just what fantastic method he’d try, but it wouldn’t matter— he was made of what he was made of, and nothing would hold him up. Trying was pointless, risking for naught, it would be better for everyone if he stayed just how he was and didn’t overstay his use.

He would not fit into Akira’s plans or his pities. He couldn’t.

“…Bruh. What does that even mean.”

Ah? “What?“ No. He had not said that out loud. Sakamoto did not just hear all that nonsense.

Sakamoto was giving him a funny look. “You’re not a napkin, man.”

God, shit. Shit shit shit. “I— I know that, this is just—“ The unpleasant feeling of blood rushing to his face was just as intolerable as it was unpreventable.

“For real? Cause you sure sounded like you were calling yourself a napkin.”

Absolutely unbelievable. How unruly was he that he’d just spouted all that like it was nothing? He couldn’t believe he had to explain himself now, but letting him get ideas was undeniably worse. “It’s supposed to be… symbolic, Sakamoto.”

He could practically see the gears turning in his head. That wasn’t something difficult to understand, you dunce. Every second of this humiliating scene felt like a knife turning in his back.

“Why does your brain work in such effed up ways. You gotta work on that,” Sakamoto said, not letting up his judgemental look.

He crossed his arms, trying to make his mortification appear like annoyance. “Don’t you start with me. As if you ever have something useful to say. At least I’m— I’m thinking, here.”

That riled him up a bit. “I’m thinkin’! I almost flunked literature so maybe I’m not so good at this analysis stuff, but you know what? Hear me out.” Goro did not want to hear him out. He continued despite that. “I get it, you got your problems. But I really don’t think you callin’ yourself some shitty crane is fair, you know? Like, you’re a whole guy.”

He did not appreciate how genuine Sakamoto was acting. It was odd, and it felt awkward coming from him. He didn’t want to feel guilty for being rude to him earlier, either. Just another topic to bother him to sleep.

Sakamoto went on. “Gahhh, it feels weird sayin’ this but like, you’re not a napkin, okay! And Akira doesn’t think so either. You’re more… complicated. Napkins don’t pay taxes or anything.”

Ah, alright. So it was mostly bullshit. He could ease the guilt away in one fell swoop.

Goro’s disinterest seemed to show itself well to Sakamoto. “Just, okay. Lemme get my thoughts here. You gotta like… be your own first step. I didn’t get my own shit sorted out until I actually tried to. And I’m not sayin it’s easy to do. But Imma tell you right now your first step is gonna be to stop thinking you’re a napkin or a bucket or a plate of green beans or whatever else you come up with. And I mean it, man.”

Goro knew he had things to say to that. He had thought out replies and phrases that Sakamoto would need more headspace to begin to understand. But none of them came to him. So he decided to stay threateningly quiet.

It was well received. “Okay okay, you’re gettin’ mad, I can tell. I’m gonna take my break,” Sakamoto relented, and turned on his heel. “I ain’t really trying to tell ya what to do but give it a thinking about, alright? ‘Least for Akira’s sake,” he said over his shoulder, and left Goro almost more alone than before.

It wasn’t even Akira’s sake Goro was worried about. Not in the way Sakamoto seemed to think. And he didn’t need to be told he wasn’t some inanimate object, he wasn’t that out of mind.

Any sort of sensible argument would have to come to him after the fact, apparently. To tell him this wouldn’t be a “first step,” more like a hundredth. How many paces did crawling out of the hole he’d buried himself in count for? How many miles had he gone by now, barefoot and bleeding all the way.

Such a stupid conversation. Needless, too, since for whatever reason his filter decided to leave him to fend for himself. Just another addition to this embarrassing excuse of a shift today.

The paper crane sat still on the counter, though it hardly resembled one anymore. He almost felt bad. He had his typical pit in his stomach, but nothing exactly to pinpoint it on. Was he wallowing in that much self-loathing?

Perhaps.

Goro adamantly refused to have any more dramatic revelations at his part time job, so any introspections would have to come later.

He put the crumpled crane in his pocket. It was certainly not going to be a crane once he took it out again, but he didn’t really know what else to do with it. Throwing it away felt wrong, to him. Though he wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do with it when he got home.

Akira hadn’t given this to him in hopes of causing some mental anguish. Or at least, he assumed so. Sakamoto had said he didn’t play mind games, but if not those, what was he doing? It felt better to know it was a game, in that way there was something about Akira’s mystery of a consciousness he could pry through.

Was he reading into things? For sure. Reading too deeply into anything had been a talent of his for as long as he could remember. It had saved his life before, many times and in the most difficult of times.

This crane wasn’t life threatening, but it felt like it was. Not in the thrilling way, but in the shitty way.

His shift was over soon. Which reminded him, Sakamoto had surely already taken his break. He was a dip, but Goro preferred his own thoughts to any conversation they’d had today. And that was saying something, since getting out of his own head was a much needed relief that he’d take almost any chance he got.

He was overthinking, and there was nothing he could do about it. He would continue to overthink until someone stole his brain and dunked it in acid. Where was the enjoyment otherwise? It was all he knew how to do.

And even he didn’t overthink this— if Akira had given this to him in earnest and in playfulness, and if Sakamoto hadn’t been overtly pulling his leg through their shifts today. There wasn’t even anything remarkable about it. If there was a chance that maybe things were just okay, and getting better, and he wasn’t a living metaphor for a tissue. Oh just, say he invited him out for coffee, and Akira surprised him with a new little creation, less spur of the moment and made something almost sweet. He’d never drop his pride so low as to ask for a lesson, but if he did, maybe he could learn to make something, too. And maybe he wouldn’t hate every moment of it, and maybe he’d like getting so close, and maybe he’d appreciate the mistakes as much as the praises.

…Hm.

That was just a fantasy, of course. And surely, nothing was all that great about it. Anything could go wrong in any number of ways, his own interventions just one category.

Maybe it was the headache, or the dragging on shift, or the terrible lights, or the distant humming of his coworker, but Goro must’ve been caught off guard today. Because otherwise, why else would he have thought, not long and not convincingly, but still a thought as present as can be, that maybe, despite everything.

It could be nice. Just for a little bit. Maybe that didn’t sound quite so bad.

Not so bad at all.

#it is shuake btw!#thank u for requesting this sorry i took ages #i hope you’ll enjoy it...... and sorry if youve been avoiding spoilers!!!#i know the games out but i also know not everyone has seen all the Content #but i will leave it at that #also its 6k cause i just dont know how to stop talking #my fics #my p5 fics #ask #dorky-arsene

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consiouslycohsee · 4 years ago

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brain explosion #1

I recently attended a talk from a BBC employee who discussed career opportunities within the BBC. This was extremely inspiring and lead to me wanting to start a blog. I think I may upload every month with a recap of the month, my feelings, etc. This also could be apart of the content creation process which is needed for the job. Having my own content for university is one thing, but it is not enough – I need to have my own creations from my free time.

I am not going to plan anything at the moment I am just going to write and see what comes out. Maybe I will post this somewhere, or maybe I wont? I don’t know. I need to create my own stuff but I don’t know what, I’m not really passionate about something at the moment. I could help with my mums Instagram about Puglia, but maybe that’s too much of a niche market, but what else is there? I need a hobby, I need a passion. But what?

The only thing that’s keeping my busy these days is university, which I forget about as soon as the lesson has ended, and binging Netflix. I am trying to distract myself constantly so I don’t acquire any thoughts that may stress me out. I have been experiencing depersonalisation and disassociation for a few weeks now, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. It’s mild at the moment, just a back thought that is always lingering. My body doesn’t feel like my own, looking at my reflection is horrible.

Everyday is the same now a days, I wake up, get dressed, take my dog out, watch Netflix all day, wait for my mum to come home from work, eat dinner, watch Netflix, go to sleep. The same, everyday, its so boring and it feels like my life is being thrown away, but at the same time, what else is there to do? Nothing, theres a pandemic. Everything is shut, we are encouraged to stay at home, so what can I do to be productive and not just wither away everyday. Its giving me a constant headache. Showers are not wanted, unless my hair is dirty. If my hair didn’t get dirty, I wouldn’t get a shower, isn’t that terrible.

I’m fed up and stressed. I’m stressed about my days being unproductive, I’m stressed about my future – what happens after I graduate in a few months? What then? I seem to be applying for SO many jobs, and I am getting no where with it, what do they need me to do? I have experience, I have a degree, it’s very annoying that I am not getting anywhere. I want to move into the real world and be able to move out, have a job. But this seems impossible, I don’t know what I am going to do, its making me miserable.

Wow I didn’t expect to be writing this much its just all coming out. Do I want to post this? I can be anonymous no one will know its me, its just somewhere to let all my feelings out. I wish I could write like this in university, all my modules feel the same, I get information from offline, not understanding what it means. It doesn’t feel like I’m learning anything, im just getting information in order to write an assignment to get a grade. I hate that I am leaving university and it feels like I have gained no real knowledge.

Anyways, maybe using this for a portfolio isn’t the best idea. The reality of life is settling in with the fact that I may never be truly happy with my career, I want to travel. How can I travel if I’m stuck behind a desk? In a warehouse or somewhere so dim with no life. I want to just keep travelling forever, be away from England. England makes me so miserable. Its so grey, constantly grey. I need sun, I need friends. God I am lonely, I need good friends. I look at people’s instagrams, celebs, etc. and I am uspet that they have such good families and friends in place, to help them, to talk to them. I have no one. Well I have one friend, but she’s got lots of other friends. How do I get new friends? I don’t know, am I too old to make new friends?

I am independent, and its great, I like my own company. But sometimes, I just want someone’s company, but then when I get company, I get annoyed, and I want them to leave. What is wrong with me? Why cant I just be comfortable? Ugh.

I watch shows and I get attached, I cant just watch a show and enjoy it. At the moment its Superstore. I have to know about the actors, watch the interviews, follow instagrams, I don’t know why? I had a big addiction to greys anatomy for a while, I’m out of it at the moment, but I think I will probably end up binging it again soon. When I go on walks with my dog in the morning, my imagination is wild, I don’t ever think about my own life. I imagine I am a child of a celebrity, I am always a boy, not a girl. What does that mean? Don’t even want to get into gender identity, I just push it back. Don’t let the emotions and thoughts approach the surface. As I said, push the emotions back with constant distractions!!

Anyways, I am tired now. This was nice to write, I haven’t really been able to express my thoughts and emotions, they just gather up in my brain. So writing them down helps massively. I don’t want to talk about certain things in real life, to my friends, or to my mum. I don’t think I will get taken seriously, why is mental health not taken seriously? Its all good when its physical injury. I don’t know. I have a headache from using my brain for the first time in forever, ok. Bye!

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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Is it easy to find a job in your preferred field in your hometown? preferred field *chuckle*

Ladies: Would you ever consider proposing? If not, why not? Gentlemen: How would you feel, if you were proposed to? yes, I have an idea

Have you ever played the original Mass Effect trilogy? I haven’t

If so, which Shepard and who do you like romancing the best? -

Let’s say there’s a person in need. They need money which they can’t make. Would you be more likely to help them out, if a celebrity asked you to? celebs should help them, not me, I need help myself!

When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Or do you always try out something new? usually

Would you rather live next to a kindergarten or an old folks’ home? old folks’ home for sure

What is the best part of your most ordinary day? sleeping :x

Do you enjoy being on your own or are you happier when there’s a crowd around you? I’m a loner/introvert

Do you ever look up what foreign idioms mean? yep

What’s the strangest saying you’ve come across? I don’t recall atm

What’s a First World problem that you have? hmm...

Have you ever made a parody version of a popular song? me and my sister were doing puppet shows for our parents, mostly her ideas as she was forcing me to perform those until I got sick of that

Which game did you play the most as a kid during recess? nie bawiłam się w większość gier przez brak zdrowia, ale lubiłam plac z huśtawkami czy drabinkami, albo udawać rodzinę/dom i te fajne białe “krateczki” z kolorowymi “guziczkami” co jak się je wpinało w dziurki to układało się z nich obrazki (nie pamiętam nazwy)

Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? there isn’t

Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? my mom annoys me all the time lol Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? I’m too short but I manage and still some ppl sometimes ask me for help anyway Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? used to smell them but now just texture Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a figurine? How did you do this? I’m no Chunk :P

Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? I wouldn’t do that on purpose but I don’t believe in most of the superstitions, luckily there are some things you can do to avoid bad luck like throw salt over your shoulder or knock on non painted wooden thingy etc. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bi polar all the time? I’m sick of ppl who use mental and physical illnesses as excuses when they don’t have them - single headache ain’t a migraine nor being an ass makes you a border, shut up! Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? more than once Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? some are good, some not Ever been choked severely on something? just a feather Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? several like monkey, raccoon or cat Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? I didn’t participate but I watched/looked at them when I was younger Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? ... why? Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? at times I talk to my computer (because I hate it so we argue), kettle and fridge, also my stuffed animals of course Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: penis Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? I thought and I wouldn’t like it besides maybe finding some cool stuff that drown What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? creators lack imagination, they ask the same stuff over and over again, it’s boring What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? red Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? noooo Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? rarely and I’m ashamed of that tbh Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? hell no but I’m not that bad at it Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? I have good memory when it comes to that most of the time - not counting my green scissors grrrr Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? Archelan - Christmas themed and fuzzy Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? not as often as I’d like to? Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? raped, killed or robbed more likely Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? baths as I like to sit and I don’t like the glass nor have water over my head Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? it seems Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? nah, I dislike surprises and there weren’t opportunities/possibilities to do that Do you tap fingernails on desks? hardly ever Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? vocalist (who can play instruments) but I have no talent but don’t worry, it was a childish dream that fade away when I found out more about live of a band member Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? nope, we don’t talk, just say HI if anything Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? yep Do you ever had to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? camp When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? we’ll see, covid situation isn’t helpful and I can’t focus on books lately Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? I treat them how they treat me (not authority figures/dangerous ppl tho) Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? sweet and quiet Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? I don’t like to but I still end up arguing, sigh... How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? avoid them, block them, ignore them fight with them when they don’t stay away (not physically yet)

How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? about 200 PLN What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? cool but wonder how that happened What color is the closest desk to your body? What all is on it? ugly light brown with shitload of stuff The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? gonna have it soon so don’t remind me Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? aliens tried to abduct me in dreams but didn’t succeed ha! What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? white Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? not too tiring but not completely silent either Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ look is important but not as much as personality for sure, it’s like 1:9 I think Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? could say so Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? r u kidding?... Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? anyone can be Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Konrad once told me I’m like a private detective about it because I’m so sneaky they don’t realize until it’s too late but I sadly forget infos quickly due to stress last months so it’s not as useful as it sounds Does it freak you out when the police drive/walk by? somehow Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? I don’t drive Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? I had a friend who was a firefighter

Have you ever woken up to a good morning letter beside you? left in the kitchen but informative like - I went there or feed the dog etc. Would you ever get your nails done? I can do them myself if I ever want to

Are you afraid of worms? maggots Do you wear rings on your thumb? why not How many shirts of yours are red? less than 5 Does the color red look good on you? my first therapist told me I should wear it to be more brave but it causes anger in me so I prefer not to Do you pray before every meal? Sunday lunch with parents Have you ever been caught cheating on a test? not caught but been cheating in high school How many white tank tops do you own? 0? Do loud people bother you? omg YES Does your head itch? not currently but frequently Do you know anyone named John? my ex friend had a nickname like this Have you ever tried the cinnamon challenge? I’m not stupid Are you a fast runner? like Gimli Did you ever want a pet rabbit? no way

Do you ever want to own a house? apartment more likely How do you feel about men? blergh Do you know any police officers? my neighbor was a police officer Have you ever signed a petition? lots Have you ever aspired to start your own business? I wish Who is the oldest person living in the same building as you? mom The youngest? me Would you rather pay with cash or card? cash, cards make me nervous Have you ever used a pager? I have not Do you like visiting the beach? beachcombing is fun Do you like to buy things? but not spend money lmfao Have you ever been in a polygamous relationship? I didn’t know that I apparently am - jk Is there anyone you haven’t spoken to in a long time but you still think about daily? my grandma for example Would you like to be rich? not filthy, having enough money to live and not barely survive

have you ever behaved like a stalker? *crickets* can you lie and keep a straight face? poker face game strong when situation calls for it

have you ever feared for somebody else’s life? especially dad’s do you prefer honesty, even when it hurts? hard to tell if you could pick your own pet name, what would it be? picked my dog’s have you ever masturbated while driving? wtf, don’t do that, gross how do you feel when someone takes the last of something? without asking? *cringe* how do you feel when people tell you “bless you” when you sneeze? thank you unless I sneeze many times in a row and they bless me every single time - then it’s annoying what are you supposed to say when somebody coughs? r u ok? have you ever committed a violent crime because of a video game or rap song? who said I play/listen to those? have you ever actually overheard one of your friends talking shit about you? possibly how many partners is too many? at once or in your entire life? do you believe that wearing an aluminum foil hat will stop the government from reading your thoughts? that reminds me of the RED movie XD

would you rather have a hook for a hand or a peg leg? peg leg 100% elseway I’d end up with an eye cover as well if you know what I mean bonus points for/to being a pirate tho how close does someone have to be for you to feel obligated to wait and hold the door for them? either right behind me or carry heavy/big load do you examine the tissue after you blow your nose? for example when I worry about it bleeding what is your cure for the hiccups? wait

Do you miss Brittany Murphy’s appearance in films? awwww she was such a good actress RIP

Is Christmas stressful? to me it is but I’m stressed 24/7

Do you make your own smoothies or juices? meh

Do you think time really does heal all? NO

Are you more sensitive to heat or the cold? cold

Did you care at all when Steve Jobs died? ... he died?

Has anyone searched your room for anything recently? my mother for dirty laundry

When do you decorate for Christmas? as soon as possible

Would you be cool with wearing sweatpants to the grocery store? yes

Have you ever been pranked via a hidden camera? am glad that didn’t happen

Do you know any of those people who are depressed during the winter? I’m depressed year round

If a job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave? if I can change it without ending up on the street then I leave

How does your being here in the universe change humanity for the better? nothing? Who is a person that you don’t like yet you spend time with? my family member[s] How is your relationship with money? we don’t see each other as often as I’d like to ;) get it? How do you feel about growing old someday? won’t live that long

Are you wearing two shirts? too hot for that Have you ever owned the socks with toes on them? disgusting! Can you point out constellations in the night sky? I can not What was your favorite part about studying ancient Greeks and Romans? not interested What’s the last thing you bought at a mall? food, antibacterial gel and a blanket

Is there someone who you can turn to for money and not be ashamed? parents but I’ll feel crappy about it Have you ever swam in a river? as a child Are there any dirty clothes underneathe your bed? ewww seriously? What food do you love the smell of while it’s cooking? smells make me sick In what month do you start Christmas shopping? I seek presents whole year then store them for later Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity of the same sex? as a lesbian What kind of flowers would you plant in your garden? bushes, grass, moss and trees, wild flowers, if they want to grow, can stay Do you believe that kids should be taught abstinence? I agree When’s the next time you’ll go to the grocery store? not in next weeks

Where’s your car keys? not applicable Did you keep any momentos of school dances? pics Do you still have clothes from your high school? and middle school Do you think you could do better drawings than Napolean Dynamite? this question...

Do you own anything skull print? had a shirt that I gave to John ages ago Who are the three people you consider yourself closest to? parents and my gf Which ex of yours means the most to you? my partner as we’re back together Have you taken prescription medications that didn’t belong to you? oh well... How are your social skills? awkward Have you ever stayed at a hotel for longer than two months? I’m poor Do you ever go outside to look at the stars? there were some days in past summers when me and dad been going to stadium for a walk at night, that’s when and where we saw UFO Who breaks away from the kiss first? she as she forgets to breathe Do you know what you weigh? thx for a reminder - they’ll ask in hospital Have you ever smoked anything other than tobacco? one cigarette was all that I smoked in me life Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle? nope Do you say koala bear or simply koala? koala Do you usually travel anywhere in the winter? I’d freeze brrr Do you wait for someone else to take the garbage out when it’s full? we take turns Are most of your friends white? it’s not America so...

Does your hair reach your boobs? not even my shoulders

What’s something that fills you with anxiety? what doesn’t?...

What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? there’s no expiration date

Have you ever watched Bob’s Burgers? fragments

Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? I wasn’t that much of a note passer

Do you know anyone who is afraid of horses? nah

Do you clean things that are already clean when you’re bored? tha hell?...

Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? tropical

What do you do when someone overweight complains about being overweight? I say it’s important to be healthy but weight isn’t always a sign of being ill

Is there any Irish, Scottish, or Danish in your heritage? none that I know of

Do you find Asians attractive? yes and no

Have either of your parents ever been to jail? nooooo

Keep Calm and Carry On or Screw Calm and Get Angry? there’s time for one of each?

Do you think Urban Outfitters is overpriced? like every other similar store

Are your colarbones prominent? yeah

Have you ever in your life worn overalls? I have indeed

How did you react when you heard Whitney Houston had died? sorry but I didn’t care

Do you think Helena Bonham Carter is attractive? she is

Would you rather listen to Dolly Parton or Dusty Springfield? Dolly

Are you watching The Walking Dead? I’m scared of zombies and gore

Are you a light sleeper? became lighter

Would you consider cuddling cheating? it’s complicated

What does the purse/bag you last used look like? it’s black with red embroidery and white beads

Can you make a clover with your tongue? impossible

What’s your favorite coffee brand/flavor? I don’t drink coffee

Is your belly button pierced? no piercings!

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gumnut-logic · 5 years ago

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Ostinato: A Tale of Sotto Voce

Oooh, look what I finished :D

-o-o-o-

Title: Ostinato

A Tale of Sotto Voce

Author: Gumnut

Aug 2019

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: Why the Hood didn’t currently have him under his thumb, why he could now see and speak to John without innate terror, why he hadn’t thrown himself into Thunderbird Three’s silo and why Thunderbird Five was still mostly in one piece. But most of all, why he was still alive.

Word count: 8400 ( that is not a frickin’ ficlet!)

Spoilers & warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, family, science fiction

Timeline: Shortly before the last scene of ‘Il Mago’, as they don’t know the identity of Il Mago, definitely before ‘Father’.

Author’s note: Nutty’s Fandomversary Fic Ten – Prompt: ‘I’d still love to see a brother (maybe Gordon while healing from injury) sleepwalk to five or John sleepwalk down to TI.’ for @melmac78

I’m afraid I don’t think I answered your request ☹ Because Eos monitors the space elevator, it would only be with her permission that the prompt could happen. So, to get as close as possible, I delved into Sotto Voce. I hope you enjoy what resulted anyway. Sorry I couldn’t answer correctly.

Also, it is midnight here and I will admit that I haven’t re-read the last bits of this as thoroughly as I should, but I’m tired and just want to post this. I’ll probably curse it when I discover some horrible error in the morning, but I need to go to bed. I hope you enjoy it anyway. Many thanks to @vegetacide and @scribbles97 for their help on this one.

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

“Virgil, you there?”

“Hmm? Yes, John?” He let his fingers dance over the piano keys seeking reassurance. Today wasn’t one of his better days since the Maggot and he was doing his best to turn it around. Piano was good. Piano gave absolution.

The ivory was smooth under his fingertips.

“I’m sending the elevator down. Could you pack me some Y-345 and T-3245 process rods? Brains needs to replace six of each in the computer core.”

Virgil arched an eyebrow. “So, I’m allowed in the hangars now?”

It had been a long recovery. Since the attack, he had been plagued by headaches and an awful narcolepsy that had kept him down and barred from the hangers for safety reasons. It had gotten to the point that Virgil was surprised he was allowed on the balconies without a chaperone.

But then he had one anyway, didn’t he?

I wouldn’t really call myself a chaperone, Uncle. More of a supervisor?

Supervisor implies you can tell me what to do, Eos.

I can. Not that you’ll listen.

You’ve got it in one.

John, unaware of what was being said, but suspecting something was afoot, glared at him from his little hologram on top of the piano. His hair was still blond, though the red was starting to show. “Have you two finished?”

Still playing, Virgil hid a smile. “She’s your kid, bro.”

“And you are still a bad influence.”

The smile broke into a grin. “Glad to be of service.”

“That’s fabulous, but could you be of better service and pack me those process rods?”

The grin faded to be replaced with a frown. “What’s wrong?” John was uncharacteristically on edge.

“Nothing.”

Virgil’s frown deepened. “Do I have to speak to Eos?”

John glared at him, and Virgil swallowed. Something must have registered on his face because John was immediately contrite. “I’m sorry, Virgil. It’s just with Scott, Alan and Gordon on rescues and TB5 not fully up to par. It is a little frustrating.”

Virgil cursed himself for his reaction. When the hell was he going to get over that?! Most of the time he was fine, but on the now rare occasion, John’s expression would trigger him and he couldn’t help himself. John scared him, but it wasn’t John who was the cause of his fear. It hurt the both of them and he hated it.

“No, it’s not your fault. Never your fault.” A sigh and the music came to a stop. “I’ll hunt down your rods and meet with the elevator.”

“Thank you, Virgil.”

“Not a problem.”

His brother signed off and Virgil pushed himself back from the keys. At least he could be marginally useful. He was still banned from working on his ‘bird. He was getting better, but there were still moments.

A roll of his shoulders to loosen up his muscles and he stood.

Grandma was the only person on the island with him at the moment. Kayo was with Penelope, continuing their hunt for his assailant, while Brains was up on TB5 with John. It was so quiet, it was lonely.

He shook himself. God, the self-pity was ridiculous.

Eos didn’t remark at that thought but there was a wash of indescribable emotion.

He ignored it and headed for the elevator. Process rods were one of the many spare parts stored in the lower caverns. The network of caves below the villa was massive. It was the reason his father had chosen this island and it served them all so well. Cavecutters had ground out the spaces not naturally provided and International Rescue was able to operate solely because of all the automatic machinery these caverns housed.

The elevator hit the hangar floor and Virgil walked past his beloved ‘bird to the cavern access on the far side of the bay. The module train sat snug in its niche and he found himself blinking at the familiar sight.

More self-pity.

Shit.

He was on a roll today.

Another sigh. Calm, keep it calm. No need to trigger one of those blasted headaches again.

Maybe this was a basic reason to keep out of the hangers. Too much temptation and memory. Here was where he had kidnapped Brains. Here was where he had nearly shot his brother with Thunderbird Two’s laser. Looking up, he could still see the scorch marks on the massive hanger door.

Self-pity shifted to hate for a man now dead.

He grit his teeth.

Focus.

The storage cavern was full of neatly organised and labelled resources. Virgil, of course, knew exactly where to find what he needed. The process rods were light in his grasp. He threw in a few extra and with a further thought, grabbed a trolley and threw on some of the standard supply run items that his brother might need, plus a few extra processors for Eos.

Thank you, Uncle.

Are you watching everything I do? It was both annoying and reassuring.

Of course, I am. You’re in the hangars.

And I can’t be trusted. His shoulders slumped.

You know that is not the reason, Virgil.

Yeah, well, it sucks anyway. He shoved a few more components into the trolley.

You are getting better.

It is taking forever. So he was being petulant.

“Virgil?”

Another sigh. “I’m fine, John, just gathering your stuff.”

“You okay?”

“I’m fine!”

The line fell silent and he knew his brother didn’t believe a word. Another wave of disappointment in himself hit. Man, he was in the dumps today.

A dozen LED spots landed in the trolley with a clunk.

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. He grabbed the spots and checked them over visually for damage. Maybe he shouldn’t be in the hangars if a depressive mood had him breaking things.

Another sigh.

For goodness sake, get the hell over it! This wasn’t him. This wasn’t how he thought. Where was the positive? Where was his strength? He leant over the trolley, his elbows on the handle and rubbed his face.

“Virgil?”

“Okay, okay, I’m coming. Be at the elevator asap.”

Focus, for crying out loud.

He shoved the trolley ahead of him, darting among the shelves.

There was another trek across the hangar past his ‘bird which he purposefully ignored, into the elevator and up several levels to the space elevator’s dock.

The cavern beyond was so empty it hurt. TB1 and Shadow were absent and the space echoed his loneliness back at him.

For Christ’s sake!

A sudden roar as the elevator fired its thrusters, slowing its descent. At least the noise filled the vacuum.

A clunk and she docked solidly. “Elevator secure.” Eos’ voice echoed over the comms.

“Thank you, Eos.”

“You are always welcome.” There was a smile in her voice.

He placed his palm on the hatch control and it blinked in recognition, the airlock opening. He strode in and found a stash of recycling in the freight containers. A little component juggling and he had the necessaries loaded and the unnecessaries lined up for the recycler. “Okay, John, she’s almost ready to haul up. Give me a sec for a pre-flight check.”

“FAB.”

Virgil paused a moment, staring at the controls of the elevator. A breath and his fingers ran through the checks automatically.

It was good to know that the knowledge had survived the frying of his brain.

His shoulders shifted under the weight of the depressive emotion that followed.

Definitely a bad day.

He needed his piano. Or paint. Or something.

Goddamnit!

Something shifted in his head.

Oh, shit.

He suddenly knew what was going to happen. No, not here! He turned towards the hatch. Get off the elevator. Get off-

He was on the decking, his hands barely catching him as his body succumbed to the sudden forced sleep cycle.

His head hit his forearm, and the world faded.

-o-o-o-

Eos knew the moment her uncle lost consciousness. She brushed electronic fingers across his interface and was reassured that he was simply asleep, victim of his narcolepsy. The fact he was asleep on the floor of the space elevator was the challenge.

“Father?”

John was in conversation with Scott on the far side of the planet, the Eldest struggling with a plane that was determined to fall out of the sky. Thunderbird Two’s presence would have been preferable and the man’s profanity proved that. However, neither Two nor her pilot were in any condition to go anywhere.

Current situation more than enough proof.

“Yes, Eos? Is the elevator ready to return?”

“Yes, John, but-“

“Please launch it, Eos. Scott, I am sorry, but my scanners are not at full capacity. This is all the information I can give you.”

Eos flicked back down to the elevator and checked again on her uncle. A number of calculations, safety variables. A glance in her father’s direction. A decision.

She fired the elevator’s thrusters and it launched from the island.

For the next eight minutes she hovered over that elevator, micro-firing adjustments, protecting her uncle as he was not fastened securely. She got him through the jet stream, up through turbulence until he was finally free of the atmosphere. Braking started early, the elevator slowing incrementally in order to prevent Virgil from being slammed into the ceiling at speed.

“Eos, what are you doing with the elevator?”

Her father had finally noticed. “We have a visitor.”

That drew his full attention. “What? Who?”

“Virgil fell asleep in the elevator.”

“He did what?!”

“His narcolepsy flared as he was doing pre-flight checks.”

“And you launched?!” The frown on her father’s face was volatile.

“You asked me to.”

“Eos!”

“He is safe! I would not risk him.”

“But why?”

The elevator was travelling so slowly by this point it was hardly moving. It slid into dock with barely a vibration against its moorings. “Father, his thoughts have been somewhat depressed. I thought company would help.”

The worry on John’s face spiked. “What thoughts?”

“Father, I respect his privacy, however, today his emotional status has been poor. I don’t think being alone is in his best interests at the moment.” She paused. “You can do things I cannot.”

He looked up at her camera, expression thoughtful. “Monitor my brothers while I attend to Virgil.”

“Yes, Father.”

John propelled himself towards the airlock.

-o-o-o-

It had been a hell of a day. That was the only excuse he had and it was a poor one. He had thought offering his brother that simple and urgent task would have helped him.

Apparently not.

And now he was asleep in their space elevator.

The seal hissed as he released it and floated through.

Virgil hovered just above the floor, his open red-checked shirt moving as the man breathed. His eyes were closed and shadowed, his whole body limp.

His brothers had commented often on how Virgil fell asleep all over the house. It had stopped happening so frequently, but not completely.

Virgil was going to be so pissed when he woke up.

John reached out and touched his brother’s cheek. Whispered. “C’mon, bro, let’s get you secured.”

It took John activating his suit’s attitude adjusters to create the momentum to get both him and his much heavier brother moving through the airlock. Some careful manoeuvring through the comms module and he almost ran into Brains as he entered the gravity ring.

Fortunately, the engineer overcame his surprise enough to help catch Virgil as the gravity caught the sleeping man.

“He fell asleep in the elevator.”

Brains’ eyes were roaming over the prone engineer assessing his condition.

“Eos, has been monitoring him. He is okay.”

“I-I will be happier w-when this in-voluntary sleeping c-ceases.”

“Won’t we all.”

They carried the man down the length of the ring to John’s quarters and secured him in his brother’s bed. Virgil’s boots landed on the glass floor.

“He packed our supplies before collapsing. Could you alert Grandma of Virgil’s location and ask her to send up some of his things once the supplies are unpacked?”

Brains nodded and took the gentle request for what it was and left.

John turned back to his brother and sighed.

So much fear and so much anger was wrapped around his big brother. John had done his best to help, but due to the situation, he was often part of the cause. He had run out of profanity to aim at the deceased Hood and the energy along with it.

All that was left was the need to help his brother recover.

And protect him as much as possible.

Il Mago was still out there, somewhere.

Scott...Scott was volatile. Their big brother was struggling with his inability to protect Virgil. John, at least, had tools at his hands to set up digital wards and Eos patrolled continuously. Scott was after the perpetrator like a man possessed. They still didn’t know who it was. Kayo and Penny were desperately looking for clues. Virgil had managed a drawing of the man’s face, but even the artist wasn’t happy with it and facial recognition had been unable to connect any dots. Eos had also seen the man, but she saw things differently in the virtual world and the concepts didn’t quite translate.

It left Scott fighting an unseen foe and so much broken gym equipment. Today’s rescue had at least been a break from the confines of Tracy Island for his eldest brother.

With that thought came the sad irony that someone had to be in danger for the Tracy family to catch a break. Their lives defied logic at times.

Reaching over, he brushed a stray hair off his brother’s forehead. Virgil snuffled in his sleep and began to drool on John’s pillow.

A fond smile was all the astronaut had for that.

All he wanted was for his brother to recover...well, as much as he could. That thought lay embedded in a darkness reeking of a need for revenge that could never be sought as the perpetrator was already dead.

A sigh. He had to get back to his other brothers. “Eos, keep an eye on him.”

“Of course, John.”

The astronaut returned to the comms module and the business of saving people.

-o-o-o-

“Virgil? You awake yet?”

The fog of sleep stifled his response, but he did open his eyes.

“Hey, Virg!”

Blink. Alan?

Try again. “A-Alan?” Ugh, his throat was dry. Air conditioning parch. The pillow under his head had an interesting smell.

Another blink. This wasn’t his pillow. Focus. Hell, this wasn’t his bedroom.

“Three to Virg, are you reading me?”

“Go away.” He swiped a hand in his brother’s direction.

“Do you have any idea where you are?”

“I’m in hell and you’re my penance.” He rolled away from his brother and face the wall. A very wrong coloured wall. What the-?

“You’re on Five, bro. John says you sleep-rode the elevator.”

The elevator?! He shot up in the bed, the lower gravity sending him almost bouncing off the ceiling. He caught himself at the last moment as his head spun and sprouted a whopper of a headache. “Ah, shit!” He dropped his head to his hands and gouged his eyes out with his palms.

“Hey, Virg, take it easy.”

A hand landed on his arm and Virgil forced down a flinch. He groaned. “Alan, what do you want?”

“I was in the area and thought I would check in on you.”

A long drawn out sigh and he forced himself to sit up straight. Alan had been on a rescue. “Status?”

The astronaut’s response was habitual. “All three passengers and the pilot accounted for. Brains is checking them over.” A breath. “Now what about you?”

“Just fabulous.”

Alan peered at him up close. “Tell that to the red roadmaps on your sclera.”

An irritated blink. “How do you even know that word?”

“Did the same first aid courses you did, bro.” Alan sat on the bed beside him. “Headache?”

He gave in. “Yeah.”

“I’ll grab you some pills.”

Whispered. “Thanks, Alan.”

His brother squeezed his shoulder and left the room.

Virgil took the moment to centre himself. A breath and he levered his feet off the bed and onto the glass floor.

Far beneath him the world spun away.

Starlight danced on his skin.

The world spun back into view...Australia, New Zealand...Tracy Island...

The world spun away again.

He closed his eyes against the stars.

Alan’s step was quiet on the glass, his uniform boots designed specifically for this kind of environment. Virgil became abruptly aware of his own lack of uniform. Breach of regulations, breach of safety.

Alan must have picked up on his thoughts. “Don’t worry, Eos had Grandma fetch some of your things. Apparently, John doesn’t think you’ll fit into his.”

Alan’s smile was a little infectious and Virgil found his spirits lifting just a little despite himself.

Quietly. “Thank you, bro.”

Alan’s smile broadened as he handed over the tablets and a bottle of water.

Virgil downed the medication in two quick gulps. The water was lovely and cool on the back of his throat. it loosened tight muscles.

Alan sat down beside him on the bed again. They sat together staring out through the floor.

“I have to say, this view never gets old.”

Virgil blinked. “No, it doesn’t.” Admittedly, he could probably list on one hand how many times he had been up here without a mission. The brothers were happy to call John down, but few of them, except perhaps Alan, came up here much. “It has its own beauty.”

“John said you’ve been having a bad day.”

He darted a glance at his little brother, his head not appreciating the abrupt movement at all. Eos!

Father was concerned! What was I supposed to do? You were asleep in the elevator. You were having a bad day. You were frightened by John at least once. You spent all morning at the piano attempting to chase away negative thoughts, which is probably why you crashed in the elevator. I was worried. John was worried. Youngest was worried. Eldest is currently pacing the comms room, worried. Only the second youngest isn’t worried because Scott ordered me not to tell him.

That is why you don’t tell everyone when I’m feeling like shit, Eos! They worry. I don’t want them to worry. They’ve worried enough. I’ve hurt them all too much already.

The thought hit the core of the matter and he found himself caught in the concept. He hitched in a breath and fought to keep himself in one piece. His brain hammered on the inside of his skull.

“Virgil?”

“I’m-“ He closed his eyes. “Alan, could I have a moment to myself please?” The words were tight and parched.

His little brother stood up. “Uh, yeah, sure. Call if you need anything.” The brush of Alan’s fingertips on his shoulder nearly broke him.

The door slid closed.

He could hold it all back no longer. It was everything. It was what had been done to him. What he had done to his family and the simple fact that he was no longer the Virgil Tracy he wanted to be.

Head in his hands, he let go.

-o-o-o-

“Father!”

John swung around, sonic screwdriver in hand. “Yes, Eos?”

“Virgil is...upset.”

John’s eyes widened. “What happened?”

“The youngest spoke with him. He has a headache and the youngest gave him medication. Virgil admonished me for telling you of his ‘bad day’. His mood shifted to one of despair. He excused the youngest and now he sits with his head in his hands. He is in pain. Please, Father, what do I do?”

John swallowed and wished Scott was here.

But wishing was useless, as his Dad used to say. Work with what you have. And Virgil had John.

“Leave him to me.”

As he moved to leave the comms hub, Alan barrelled in. “John, it’s Virgil. Something’s up.”

A squeeze of a shoulder. “I know.” he handed his brother the screwdriver. “Here, comm relay to Brains and do as he asks. That panel over there.” Without another word, John pushed himself through the airlock and onto the gravity ring.

A sigh as his feet touched down on the floor.

A matter of steps and he was opening the door to his room.

Virgil sat on the edge of John’s bed. Elbows on knees, head in hands. He didn’t react to John’s presence at all.

On soft feet, John crossed the glass and sat quietly beside his brother.

Virgil’s shoulders were shaking.

A moment of hesitation and John reached out and gently dropped a hand on flannel covered shoulders.

The muscles beneath immediately tightened, a shudder echoing through Virgil’s frame.

A whisper barely more than breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

John’s throat knotted. “Not your fault.”

“No, it never is.” A ragged breath. “But it always is.” Another shudder and his brother straightened, obviously attempting to throw the emotions off. The face that emerged from his hands was pale and tearstained. A sniff and Virgil rubbed a hand across his eyes. “Sorry I worried you again.”

“Virgil.” His brother’s name fell from him in a rush. The man was emanating pain and John felt so inadequate.

Work with what you have.

His arm snaked around Virgil’s shoulders and he drew him closer. Virgil looked at him, a frown on his face.

A sudden dread that his brother might be triggered by his closeness and the anger flared in the back of John’s mind. But Virgil’s brow only crinkled in query.

So, John did something that he had wanted to do so many times during recent events. He wrapped his big brother in his arms and drew him close, bringing his head to rest on his shoulder.

The bigger man shuddered again. “John-“

“It’s okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ve got you.”

John bit his lip and found his own eyes wet as his brother shuddered again in his arms.

Virgil’s voice could barely be heard, its baritone strength whittled down to nothing. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I-“ And it was replaced with a sob. “No. I can’t-“

“You can.”

His brother groaned in pain.

“Virgil.”

“‘S not fair.”

“Never is.”

What would Scott say? What were the magic words to release the family rock from his self-imprisonment?

“We love you, Virgil.”

The next sound was a broken sob, followed by another, and finally his big brother was crying.

He wilted in John’s arms, his massive shoulders, depleted by his illness, became frail under the emotional onslaught. John blinked away his own reaction and simply held on.

All the pain, the anguish, the torture, the arguments, the fear, the accusations...his brother had been through so much. It would be foolish to think a bout of tears could fix it all, but the release was a start, a chance to give the man a little healing.

It was a complete shock when his brother suddenly went limp in his arms.

“Eos!”

“He is asleep.”

“Again? So soon?” Virgil’s head lolled on John’s shoulder, tears still tracking down his cheeks from beneath wet eyelashes.

“He was emoting heavily. I suspect it triggered his narcolepsy.”

Damnit, the man could not get a break.

Awkwardly, John lowered his brother’s head back down onto the pillow. Standing, he dragged Virgil’s feet onto the bed and wrapped him in the thin blanket.

Once he was secure, John left the bedroom and approached the nearest holographic comms terminal.

“Thunderbird Five to Tracy Island.”

-o-o-o-

The smell of hot coffee woke him.

Virgil screwed up his face and let the muscles go, his eyes blinking. What the hell? He had been...speaking to John. Another blink and memory surfaced of what exactly he had been doing to his brother.

Shit.

“If you start kicking yourself for what happened earlier, I’m going to ask Eos to play some Neo-Boney M on loop.” John’s tone was firm from the end of the bed.

The threat was solid. Virgil hated the revival group. There were certain things that deserved to stay buried.

“Do that and I’m torching your ABBA collection.”

A snort. “You’d have to find it first.”

“I have an AI in my head.”

A pair of turquoise eyes pinned him to the pillow. “Really? You want to test my daughter’s loyalty?”

Virgil sighed and rubbed his face with his hands, hoping to god his brain would spare him the headache if he moved.

“Do that and I’m joining the circus and moving to Venezuela.” Eos’ voice was light over the comm system and a laugh echoed somewhere in the back of Virgil’s head.

John sipped his coffee. “Then I guess we won’t be doing that.”

Virgil frowned. “What’s in Venezuela?”

“Oh, they have been doing some very interesting AI experiments down there. Joe 23 is quite charming.”

Both brothers stared up at her camera in astonishment.

“You’ve spoken with other AIs?” John’s voice was strangled.

“Of course.”

“I hope you have considered the security risks, particularly considering recent events.”

Virgil’s heart froze. If Il Mago got his hands on other AIs...

“None of them have my capability. None could reach Thunderbird Five, much less endanger Virgil.”

Virgil’s eyes widened and his heart hit the floor. “Reach me?”

“Eos!” John’ voice was sharp.

“What? They can’t hurt him.”

“Eos! We will discuss this later!”

He hadn’t known there were other AIs. It made sense. Eos was unique, but experts had been experimenting with artificial intelligence for a very long time. The thought that he might be vulnerable to other intelligences....

Voice parched. “There better be more coffee where that came from.”

John didn’t answer. He reached behind and pulled out a sealed thermos and handed it over.

Virgil sat up in the bed and accepted the drink.

I’m sorry, Virgil. Are you upset about the other intelligences? They can’t reach you. Some of them can barely speak. None of them are capable of what I am. A pause. Are you okay?

He didn’t answer, not wanting to think at all. The coffee was scalding hot as it hit the back of his throat and he was ever grateful.

Please, Virgil. I’m sorry. I won’t speak to them again, I promise. She was getting agitated and it vibrated his mind.

The breath rushed out of him. “It’s okay, Eos. I’m fine.”

You’re lying! I can tell. Please, Virgil. Forgive me?

“It’s fine, Eos!” Just...just give me a moment. Please!

She backed off immediately.

He sighed, took another swig of coffee and closed his eyes. Just breathe.

Breathe.

“Virgil?”

“I’m fine!” It was a shout and it was loud.

John raised a hand and backed off as much as his daughter.

And Virgil felt worse.

“Shit.” He rubbed his face with his hand. “Sorry.”

John was staring at him, thoughts darting back and forth behind his eyes. A drawn in breath and his brother’s expression became firm. “Virgil, I want you in the infirmary.”

He blinked. “John-“

“Now.”

“I’m fine.”

“You are not fine!”

Virgil jumped. John rarely raised his voice. It was his turn to stare.

“You’ve been to hell and back. You can’t possibly be ‘fine’.” That last word was snarled. “I need to check you over.”

“I’ve spent most of the last couple of months in the infirmary, John!”

“Then a few more minutes won’t hurt. You can visit mine for a little variety.”

“John-“

“Don’t argue with me, please. You will go to the infirmary even if I have to wait you out until you fall asleep again and I will check you over then.”

Virgil froze, lack of choice and power slapping him in the face.

“Father-“

Virgil cut her off. “Eos, shut it.” It came out sharp and nasty.

Well, that convinces me that Father is right. You need an examination.

“Leave me alone!” It came out as a desperate plea as far from his usually calm self as it could be. His head spun. “Leave me alone, leave me alone, please leave me alone, I can’t, I can’t, please, god, please, no more, please no more, make it stopmakeitstop, please make it stop, please, please...” Part of him sensed that something was very wrong. The rest of him was lost in a maelstrom.

An alarm sounded somewhere. Eos was calling his name. There were hands. He fought them, but more hands appeared and he was trapped.

That only made him fight more.

There was yelling. A young woman with flame red hair and a white dress caught his face and held him still. Uncle!

Hands held his body, but her eyes held his mind. Eos.

Green, aquamarine, turquoise, so deep he could fall into them.

So he did.

-o-o-o-

It happened so quickly, John was slow to react.

One minute he was verbally wrestling a stubborn brother to submit to a medical examination, the next that brother was pleading, heart wrenchingly desperate, tears in his eyes.

Eos was alarmed, reporting anomalous brain activity. Virgil’s coffee hit the floor and the hot liquid ran along the gravity ring.

His brother’s anguish drew him close in a need to comfort, but the moment his hand touched a shoulder, Virgil started fighting him.

It was uncoordinated and hysterical, but Virgil was a big man. An alarm sounded in the satellite and John vaguely registered Eos calling Alan and Brains. John was too busy avoiding getting his head handed to him.

A fist caught him on the arm as John grabbed a wrist. “Virgil!” That wrist yanked and John lost his footing almost immediately. He was dragged a couple of steps, but Alan grabbed Virgil’s other hand and the panic was deflected.

Neither younger brother was strong enough to tackle their tank of a brother at his usual fitness level, but the last few months had taken a serious toll on his health and the strength just wasn’t there anymore.

Brains grabbed a first aid kit. John and Alan struggled to hold Virgil...

“Father!”

Virgil dropped like a ragdoll, John and Alan staggering to support his sudden weight.

“O-on the floor. L-lay him on the floor. Vitals.”

John’s heart was in his throat as they ascertained that their brother was breathing, heart beating, alive.

His own respiratory reflex shuddered and let air out between his teeth.

Alan grabbed a collapsible hover gurney from the tiny medbay and moments later their brother was ensconced in the tiny room.

“What happened?” Alan’s voice hit a high pitch of worry.

“Th-that is w-what we will ascertain.” Brains worked with the tiny facility, connecting Virgil to an array of monitoring equipment. The reassuring beep of a regular heartbeat was a beautiful sound.

“Eos?” His daughter was unusually silent. When he got no response, his heart rate jumped a notch. “Eos!”

It wasn’t another attack was it? Please, no!

“John?” His heart missed a beat as she finally answered him.

“Eos? What can you tell us?”

“I...” Her voice trailed off.

“Eos?”

“He overloaded his system and forced a shutdown.” Her voice was puzzled. “Why?”

John glanced at his prone brother. So pale, so hurting, so wane. “Was there any incursion?”

“No. His...thoughts grew more and more distressed until he shut down.”

There was a mutter from the bed. Virgil’s head moved first to one side and then to the other. His eyes scrunched up and he groaned.

“V-Virgil?”

Another groan and he opened his eyes. “Brains?”

“How are you f-feeling?”

Those eyes blinked slowly. “Like crap. M’head...”

“Pain level, one to ten?”

It took Virgil a moment to answer. “F-four. Where am I?” Brown eyes peered slowly around the room until they latched onto John. They widened for just a microsecond before relaxing. “John. Thunderbird Five.”

So, his pain level was probably closer to eight if his previous report record ran true.

“H-have you eaten today?” Brains consulted a readout on his tablet.

Again with the slow blink as Virgil turned his head towards Brains again. “Umm...”

“He hasn’t eaten since he arrived here and that was a good five hours ago.” John mentally kicked himself. Busy was no excuse regarding his brother’s health.

Virgil was staring at him. “Five hours?!”

“You’ve been asleep for most of it.”

“Asleep?” The word was whispered and those eyes closed and didn’t open again.

Soft breathing and John realised that was exactly what his brother was doing. “Brains, what the hell is going on? He’s fallen asleep again.”

Brains was muttering to himself, fiddling with a hypodermic. He strapped up Virgil’s arm and drew blood from a vein. Shoving the sample into the blood analyser unit, his fingers danced over the controls. “I have my suspicions. I-if it is w-what I think it is...” There was an uncharacteristic anger in Brain’s voice. A blink and John realised the engineer was glaring at the analyser.

John’s hand drifted down to rest on Virgil’s leg. His brother didn’t notice.

There was a solid moment of silence punctuated by Virgil’s soft breathing before the analyser pinged its readiness.

Brains hit a few more buttons, muttered again, before hitting more, drawing further information from the machine. Another moment and it pinged again.

“Brains to Tracy Island.”

“Brains? How is he?” Scott had returned to the island half an hour ago, but he was still in his uniform, his expression predictably worried.

“Virgil is experiencing a dangerous deficiency in several crucial minerals, mostly iron and magnesium. I will send you a formula. I need you to visit Wellington and pick up some supplies.”

Scott paused a split second before moving. “FAB.”

Brains cut off the connection, turned back to Virgil and activated the bed’s holographic interface. A hologram of his brother’s body flickered into existence above the bed. A twist of his wrist and Brains focussed in on Virgil’s skull, bringing the image to a larger size and higher resolution.

The metallic filigree of the interface spiderwebbed across his brother’s frontal lobe.

John shivered.

The engineer continued to mutter to himself, focussing as close as the equipment would allow. “I have a th-theory. Virgil is showing a depletion of his mineral stores well into a serious d-deficiency range. This would explain his d-depression and ir-rationality. However, it does n-not give us a c-cause.” Brains frowned. “I had s-suspected this w-would be a problem and Virgil has been given sup-plements, b-but even if he m-missed one, the d-deficiency should not be this bad.” Another frown and the engineer returned to muttering.

John stared at the holographic portrayal of the device that had caused so much pain.

“Eos?”

“Yes, John?”

“Are you able to check on the condition of the interface and the nanites in Virgil’s system?”

There was a silence. Virgil began to snore. Another moment.

“Interface is fully functional. Virgil is asleep, however his mind is somewhat chaotic. Nanites...count is higher than previous.” There was a frown in her voice.

“There are more nanites? How?”

There was silence for a moment. “Father, they have reproduced. System logs report...the interface was damaged and required repair. More nanites were needed, so more were made. Checking....redundancy code was activated and enacted. Resources were required.”

And Virgil was the resource. It was left unsaid, but as Brains straightened, his expression grim, it didn’t need to be.

“Damn.” It came out as a single whispered breath. “Eos, we went through that code with a fine-toothed comb, where was this redundancy code? We rewrote the majority of their programming to prevent something like this from happening.”

Brains shifted where he stood and frowned. “W-we were more concerned with stopping the growth of the in-terface, J-John. We kn-knew there would b-be a m-maintenance cost. Unfortunately, it c-caught us un-awares.” A sigh. “We can c-correct this and m-monitor closely. It is j-just a m-matter of b-balancing between wh-what the nanites n-need and levels of toxicity in relation to the r-rest of V-Virgil’s body.”

On the bed, Virgil snorted in his sleep and rolled over, curling up as if cold. John grabbed one of the medbay blankets and, reaching through the holograms above his brother, draped the thin covering over the sleeping man.

As if to be particularly endearing, Virgil immediately snuggled up under the warmth. Another snort and soft snoring echoed through the room.

John swallowed. “Brains, are you saying that the levels of minerals the nanites need could be toxic?”

The engineer sighed again. “I d-don’t know yet. I need to run further tests. Extra supplements as w-with any m-medication have their limits.” He shifted where he stood. “W-we will start with an increase and see how we g-go.”

The expression on Brains’ face wasn’t giving John the greatest confidence.

Virgil snorted again, muttered something in his sleep, and began drooling on his pillow.

-o-o-o-

Uncle?

Hmmm-mmm.

Virgil?

Soft piano music began playing and he couldn’t help but smile. Chiddi’s sonata, a light and lively dance on a Sunday afternoon. It always made him feel like dancing. He swirled around the wooden floor of the comms room and found a young woman in his hands. Red hair, green eyes and a flash of white dress as they spun around together.

It was nice to have someone to dance with.

Uncle, are you going to wake up? She was smiling up at him and while the room continued to spin around them slowly, they had stopped moving. Who?

A sparkle in her eyes.

Eos.

Time to wake up, Uncle. Her hand was in his.

She took a step and he had to follow.

Pain crashed into him. Voices. God, his head.

“Pain c-count, one to ten?”

Eleven. “S-six. Brains, what the hell?”

“His estimate is actually much higher, Hiram.” Eos’ voice danced all around him. Don’t lie about your health, Uncle.

“I will do what I damn well want to, Eos!” Augh, he clutched his head. Damn, that hurt.

Fingers fumbled at his wrist and something cold shot up his arm. He groaned, but then the pain started to fade. Oh, thank god. He melted into the bed. Yes, he was lying on a bed.

“Better?” The soft voice came from near his head. He blinked and a blue and gold blur slowly resolved itself into little Johnny.

“Better.” It came out little more than a sigh. A blink. A frown. “What happened?”

“You fell asleep again.”

“Again?” Another blink. “I was dancing. Around and around.” He smiled. “With Eos. She looks so much like you. Lovely long red hair, eyes aquamarine like the ocean in the sun. So young, so old, so amazing. We need to protect her, John.” He reached out and grabbed his brother’s arm. “Promise me we’ll protect her.” His brother’s eyes, that same aquamarine, widened and stared down at him. “Promise me, John, we can’t let him hurt her. We can’t.”

His brother nodded slowly. “We will protect her, Virgil, I promise.”

He believed him. If anyone could do it, Johnny could. “Thank you, thank you.” He squeezed his brother’s arm and John’s fingers wrapped around his, tightening in return.

-o-o-o-

Virgil’s eyes were glazed by the haze of necessary medication, but he was awake. Three times he had awoken and fallen asleep almost immediately.

Brains actually swore. It was something John had never heard the engineer do, and in his native language no less.

Eos had been worried as much as John and Scott...Scott was only on the Island because Grandma ordered him to stay put. Consequently, John was on a five-minute update rotation for his eldest brother.

Speaking of which...count down....

Scott’s hologram flashed up beside the bed. “Thunderbird Five, report!”

Virgil jumped, his eyes going wide. “Scott? Is that you? Really you? Please be you. Eos? John?” His brother’s eyes latched onto him and widened even further before darting back to Scott, to John, to Scott...shit. “Not you, too, Scotty, please no.” Fear crumpled his brow.

“Virgil.” John squeezed the hand on his arm, holding it close. “It is Scott. I promise. Eos, tell him.”

Virgil’s frown deepened for a moment, his eyes going distant. A soft smile spread over his face and he closed his eyes.

It was John’s turn to frown. “Eos? Tell me what’s happening.”

“I’m sorry, John, but he’s slipping into sleep again.”

“Sleep?” Scott’s voice was worry itself. “Are we any closer to working out why?”

Brains, who had been absorbed in a readout from the EEG woven into Virgil’s hair, suddenly spun and grabbing a hypodermic needle, quickly drew some blood from the tap in the crook of Virgil’s elbow.

Virgil didn’t notice. He began to snore again.

John sighed.

The blood sample was shoved into the analyser and Brains stabbed the machine. “Eos, I-I need a nanite activity r-report. Access their logs and send to m-my t-tablet, p-please.”

“Yes, Hiram.” The tablet pinged.

For a few minutes there was only the sound of Brains muttering to himself and Virgil’s soft snores.

The expletive that shot out of Brains’ mouth a moment later was enough to curl even John’s toes.

“What’s wrong?” Scott still hovered beside the bed, his gaze caught between his brothers and the once again muttering engineer.

“They are p-putting him to sleep.”

“What? Who?”

“The nanites. When m-mineral r-resources drop too low, they stimulate a sleep cycle so Virgil’s body shuts down.” There was an untranslated mutter. “This cannot stay this w-way. They cannot have control.” He turned away again, stabbing the analyser with his fingers.

“John?”

He didn’t have any answers. Not yet.

Virgil snorted and rolled over in his sleep, dragging cables and IV. John gently untangled him.

“John?”

“I don’t know, Scott. As soon as I do, you will, too.”

His brother’s expression reflected the frustration in his own. “Understood, Tracy Island out.”

The hologram dissipated.

John sighed. “Do we have anything, Brains?”

“It appears the interface m-may have been damaged during the encounter with Il M-mago.”

“We didn’t detect any damage.” Both John and Brains had scanned their brother thoroughly after the incident, desperate to make sure he wasn’t hurt further.

Brains looked down a moment. “I’m afraid we m-must have missed something. The n-nanite logs definitely show a sudden increase in activity.”

“They didn’t at the time.” John’s stomach twisted. He hated this. The not knowing and his brother’s life in the balance.

Brains sighed. “No, they didn’t.”

John straightened. “Eos, I need a complete listing of all the nanites code. I want all their logs. I want everything.”

“Yes, John.”

He gently squeezed Virgil’s hand and placed in on the bed beside the sleeping man. “Brains, I’ll be in my office.”

“I will monitor him.”

“Thank you, Brains.”

The image of their genius engineer leaning over his prone brother kept him company for the following hours of writing code.

-o-o-o-

Do you like dancing?

I love to dance.

I’ve never seen you do it.

It is much more fun with a partner.

You have your brothers.

He laughed. Not quite the dance partners I had in mind.

What about Kayo? She has a great deal of control over her body.

Virgil frowned and stared at his niece. To be honest, it has never occurred to me.

You should ask her. I’m sure she would love to dance with you.

He shrugged. Grandma has danced with me in the past.

It was Eos’ turn to eye him as they spun around the room. While Mrs Tracy is quite capable, I don’t think she is quite the partner you have in mind either.

Virgil led her into another twirl across the balcony of the comms room, reality intruding on fantasy. It doesn’t matter now.

She drew them to a stop. What do you mean? You said you loved dancing. Why don’t you find someone to dance with?

Eos-

If you are going to use the interface as an excuse, I’m going to pull out that Neo-Boney M recording.

Don’t you dare.

A quicksilver smile and his niece danced across the balcony by herself, her arms outspread, dress twirling. I agree, this is fun. You should do it more often.

He sighed. Have you finished updating the code yet?

She spun again while staring up at the sky. Oh, that. I managed that in the second before you realised I was even here.

What?

I wanted to try this dancing again. It is lovely.

He searched his memory looking for any change or difference and found nothing. Is it working okay?

She stopped spinning and faced him. Everything is fine, Uncle. I promise.

Okay.

We will make this better. She approached him slowly. Hiram, Father and I will make this work.

I hope so.

He backed up and sat himself down on his piano stool. This place was so real, but so not home.

Can I wake up now?

She stared at him, her head tilted slightly to one side. Hiram, has started a regime to replace your mineral stores. He has given you several injections and is monitoring the results. There have been more blood tests.

He would have complained about being a pincushion, but to be honest he had had so much worse. Can I wake up?

You don’t want to dance anymore?

Eos.

Okay, okay. She reached for his hand and he let her take it, following.

-o-o-o-

John was tired, but determined.

“Eos, how is he?”

“Memory response is good. Knowledge retrieval fast. The interface is working well. Nanite response in minimal. He wants to wake up.”

“Give it a moment longer.” He turned to Brains. “Are his levels responding.”

“Slowly. It will t-take some t-time to b-bring them up to healthy levels. He will n-need m-monitoring for some days p-possibly weeks. I r-recommend we r-return him to Tracy Island for his own comfort. Mrs T-Tracy, Scott and G-Gordon are fully c-capable of r-retrieving the blood samples n-needed. I can m-monitor from here and continue r-repairs to Thunderbird Five.”

“Virgil is far more important than Five.”

Brains stared at him calmly. “He will be well, J-John.”

John let his shoulders drop. He hated this. Hated this powerlessness.

“Virgil is becoming insistent.”

“Okay, Eos. Wake him up.”

His brother lay on his back, face pale...which wasn’t surprising since he was actually anaemic. Eyelashes on pale cheeks fluttered. Brown irises sought his.

“Hey, Virgil. You with us?”

A blink. A frown. “I think so.”

“Are you in any pain?” Brains hovered beside the bed.

Virgil turned his head towards the engineer. “Headache.” Another slow blink and he turned back to John. “Eos likes to dance.”

It was John’s turn to blink.

Brains interrupted by relaying Virgil all the necessary medical information about his condition. His brother nodded once before once again latching his eyes onto John.

Somewhat unnerved by the intense but silent stare, John shifted where he stood. “You ready to go home, Virgil?”

“Home?”

“Back to Tracy Island.”

“Oh, yes, sure.” The stare continued.

“Virgil?”

His brother didn’t answer immediately, still staring at John. He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly appeared at a loss for words. A blink and then, his voice rough, “You should be proud. Very proud.”

It took John a moment to connect the dots. But when he did, he straightened.

“I am.” A dip of his head. “Of both of you.”

-o-o-o-

Virgil returned home. He was quiet, but his mood appeared to be stable and possibly improving. Brains and John sent him down via the elevator, Scott at the other end to help his brother out of the seat and harness. Between Grandma, Scott and Gordon, he wouldn’t be alone at all. It was thought best that considering his induced depression and possible mood swings, that he should not be left unattended.

Virgil grumbled, but complied.

Of course, his blood tests would continue and Eos was monitoring the nanites closely. Virgil couldn’t sneeze without someone taking notes.

It was necessary. He had to be saved.

That bastard was still out there. Somewhere.

John floated in the hub, eyes scanning the code output of the nanites in Virgil’s blood. He watched their reactions to Virgil’s reactions. His brother was currently grumbling at Scott. Eos had rolled virtual eyes at that, throwing several exasperated questions at John as to why his brother was such a stubborn ass.

“Because that is one of the reasons he is still alive.”

And why the Hood didn’t currently have him under his thumb, why he could now see and speak to John without innate terror, why he hadn’t thrown himself into Thunderbird Three’s silo and why Thunderbird Five was still mostly in one piece.

They all relied on that stubborn.

John sighed.

The code scrolled past.

His eye caught something. “Eos, can you pull up that secondary function on the third tier?”

“This one?”

The code lines appeared midair and he re-read them. “I didn’t write this.”

“No.”

“I’ve never seen this. I thought we pulled all the code.”

“One moment please.”

John waited.

Waited.

“Eos?”

“Please hold.”

His shoulders grew tight under his suit.

A breath.

Another.

“They are capable of writing their own code.”

“What?! How?”

“Investigating.”

“They are reacting to certain situations. When one gets triggered another will respond and alter the code of the first to assist its needs.” The AI paused. “It is rather an intriguing concept.”

“How does this affect our code? And how did we miss the code that initiates this process?”

“I don’t know, John.”

“Then we need to find out. This is Virgil’s life!”

“I know, John. I will do my best.”

He sagged where he floated. Damn. “I know you will, Eos. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.”

His eyes returned to tracking the code, now picking out the small differences that weren’t there when he input the code. “Eos?”

“Yes, John.”

“Do you feel hate?”

“Are you referring to the people who did this to Virgil.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Then most definitely.”

“He is still out there. He could attack at any time.”

“I know. I have put up as many defences as possible.”

“You know they won’t be enough.”

Silence.

“Eos?”

“I have to protect him.”

“But you can’t.”

“I can try!”

A swallow. “So can I.” He straightened, determination and his own version of Tracy stubborn setting in. “I want every piece of information we have about the interface, how it functions, what it is made of, everything. I want it here now.”

“John?”

“We are going to find a way.” His lips thinned. “Virgil shouldn’t have to stand alone.”

“I’m going to stand with him.”

-o-o-o-

FIN.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #Virgil Tracy #John Tracy #Hiram Hackenbacker #Eos #sotto voce #tales of sotto voce

29 notes · View notes

vskpop · 6 years ago

Text

My 30 favourite songs of 2018

YouTube playlist ⋅ Spotify playlist

30. Heroine – Sunmi

I hesitate to call Sunmi feminist – does she consider herself one? Can k-pop really be feminist? – but her matter-of-factly, eyes-wide-open songs that touch on the position of women in relationships and in society are the closest thing to genuine female empowerment I’ve seen in k-pop. It doesn’t hurt that every single one of her songs is amazing.

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29. Bboom Bboom – Momoland

Considering I usually hate “viral” songs – I’ve been brainwashed to like Gangnam Style just recently – I’m still shocked at how much I love Momoland’s Bboom Bboom. I’m also proud to say that I was an early adopter of the song, and watching their success skyrocket made my Q1. I’m still not tired of the sax line and of the “GREAT!” shouted during performances. This song (and Momoland, really) is just irresistible.

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28. Retro Future – Triple H

The last ever song by Triple H (anger abounds) is just a taste of the genre-bending, sound-mixing, absurd-lyric-writing that we could have gotten for many years. Their retro-future has nothing to do with the Jetsons, and much more with insane 80’s synths and, well, that sexy vibe.

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27. Love Shot – EXO

Well, EXO, that was last minute. My ambivalence towards EXO is represented by this song, which I both find ridiculous and adore at the same time. This song’s luscious synths and layered vocals make it elegant, then the performance makes it kitsch. I don’t know if I’ve been brainwashed, but it’s so great.

Other songs of note: Electric Kiss – Tempo – Gravity

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26. Not That Type – Gugudan

A thousand times yes for Gugudan doing edgier concepts. Not That Type is the spiritual successor to A Girl Like Me, and it’s almost as good. This song, however, is even tougher and more explosive. The new 8-member Gugudan is off to a great start.

Other songs of note: The Boots – Shotgun

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25. Beautiful Feeling – Day6

Yet again, it’s my special skill to ignore all the popular songs that a group has, and in this case the rock vibe that defines it, and pick the sweetest, mellowest song they’ve put out. Day6 make some amazing power ballads, and Beautiful Feeling gives me warm and fuzzy feelings every time I listen to it.

Other songs of note: Days Gone By – Headache – Shoot Me – Somehow

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24. Dinner – Suho ft. Jane Jang

I don’t know how the powers that be decided that this duet should happen, but the result is everything. Jane Jang’s one-of-a-kind voice layers beautifully over Suho’s, who ended up being often overlooked as an EXO vocalist for all these years.

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23. Remember Me – Oh My Girl

Every single Oh My Girl put out is juicy in its on way. They may always go back to their foundational dreamy pop, but they never fail to throw in a twist. Remember Me’s EDM flavour and heavy rap are a total change from Secret Garden, but the song still blossoms into a romantic, airy chorus, and all of the members find something to sink their teeth into.

Other songs of note: Secret Garden – Magic – Love O’Clock

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22. La Vie en Rose – IZ*ONE

My resolve to ignore the existence of IZ*ONE (and survival show groups in general) faded at the first two octaves of La Vie En Rose. This song does so much with so little: the atmosphere it creates, and the contrast between the powerful pre-chorus and the understated chorus are what makes the song for me. In the meantime I’ve started to learn their names, so I’m doomed.

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21. I Want You – SHINee

SHINee’s constant stream of releases this year is at the same time a new beginning and the beginning of the end. It’s hard to imagine that a whole year has passed since Jonghyun, and it’s hard to think that the group has survived even though these songs are concrete proof. I really struggled to make it through the more melancholy songs, so I picked I Want You out of a series of basically perfect tracks.

Other songs of note: Good Evening – Chemistry – Electric – Who Waits For Love – Countless – Our Page

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20. LATATA – (G)I-DLE

I would be surprised if there was a single Boombayah lover who didn’t love this song. It has the same (pseudo-Indian?) influences, the same rhythms, the same anthemic quality. Latata is catchy, hypnotic, fun, and showcases all the members equally (ok, maybe Soyeon a bit more than everyone else). This is a textbook debut for 2018.

Other songs of note: Maze

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19. 1, 2, 3! – Seungri

Here’s someone who usually did club music and for once didn’t, and I loved it anyway! 1,2,3! is retro, guitar-led and much more lighthearted than anything Seungri has ever done. It’s lovely to see a less sultry (and a biiiiit slimy?) side of him. Also Anda.

Other songs of note: Hotline – Where Are You From

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18. 22 Century Girl – fromis_9

I feel that my obsession with fromis_9 is still at its earliest stage, and that by the end of 2019 I will have gone totally mad for them. I am in love with their singles – To Heart, Love Bomb, what instant classics! – but the whirlwind of sounds of fever dream 22 Century Girl have stolen my heart.

Other songs of note: To Heart – Love Bomb

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17. Blue Moon – Gyeong Ree

Another one for the theme of this list: house! Give me all of it in your pop songs! Here’s hoping that Gyeong Ree (wasn’t it easier when she spelled it Kyungri? Anyway) continues her solo career with such intriguing, sophisticated but super-fun songs.

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16. Stay Here – Sojung

I don’t know exactly, but I cry my eyes out more often than not when I hear this song. Ladies’ Code’s Sojung’s voce is as light as a feather, until it explodes in the soaring chorus. Everybody knows that I love any power ballad, but the complex emotional balance of this one is just on another level.

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15. Now or Never – SF9

I can’t say I’ve been following SF9 as idols, but I have been listening to all their releases and they have given me nothing but quality. I know I complain about songs with drops, but the deep house (yep, again) and that sensual “jealous” have been killing me ever since they came into my life. It might be my favourite hook of 2018.

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14. I Love You – EXID

I was a bit taken aback by EXID’s Lady earlier in the year, but it was love at first listen with I Love You. The distorted hook opens and holds together a song that has all the best of EXID, including Solji, who has returned stronger than ever with flawless vocals and zero shame.

Other songs of note: Lady

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13. Dejavu – NU'EST W

You guessed it – house. Nothing has given me as much joy as the rise of NU’EST W, and I’ve been even happier because they did it with superb, incredibly on-trend songs while retaining the dark charm of their pre-success material. They really leaned into the “sexy bandit” thing, and I’m all for it.

Other songs of note: YlenoL – Shadow – Feels – Help Me

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12. Oh! My mistake – APRIL

This song is fluffy and super-poppy and at the same time side-eye in music, if that was ever possible. The super-innocent and cute concept that APRIL have been doing since forever is now tinged with tongue-in-cheek sarcasm, and a little creepy synth that perfectly matches the theme of the track. It’s so addictive and so delicious.

Other songs of note: Oh-e-Oh – BEEP

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11. Snapshot – IN2IT

I love when smaller groups do really, really great and out of the box stuff instead of copying their more successful peers. I’ve watched countless performances, entranced by the bass that opens the song, holding my breath for that “heartbeat go fast, heartbeat go slow”. This is one sexy song, and IN2IT are one good rookie group that I will keep my eye on.

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10. Timeless – NCT U

Leave it to me to find the most niche release a super-popular group has had, and fall in love with it so deeply that the rest (most of which I hated, not sorry) doesn’t count. NCT are too big of a group with some really, really good singers hiding in the back line while the rappers swagger about. I loved that some of them got their chance to show off and I adore this poetic, heartbreaking song.

Other songs of note: Boss – Baby Don’t Stop – Replay (PM 01:27)

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9. Shine – Pentagon

I have to wonder if this song would have been higher in my charts if it wasn’t for the bloodbath that was of Pentagon and their career after this song came out. It’s such a pity that such a feelgood song has become, well, not so feelgood. This song’s wonky piano riff and anthemic chorus are still a delight, and their personality really shines (LOL) through. OT10 forever.

Other songs of note: Off-road

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8. The Grand Dreams – Minseo

Where did Minseo even come from? Why hasn’t she been here our entire lives? Her dreamy vocals have been giving me life this year, and her refined musical sense (or of her producers, really) is a breath of fresh air when everything gets a bit to same-y in k-pop.

Other songs of note: Is Who

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7. One of Those Nights – Key ft. Crush

Key came in last minute and slapped us all in the face with a perfect album that is reminiscing of SHINee’s work from earlier in the year, but also shows his personality as an artist. The lead single One of Those Nights moves fast and interweaves the melancholy of the lyrics in the music. Both Key and Crush are shockingly good vocalists, but together they just make each other shine even more.

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6. Allegro Cantabile – Nature

Random music terms / Italian? I had to check it out. Nature put out something that’s a musical number, j-pop anime opening and k-pop bubblegum all in one. Their vocals are amazing and they are adorable. I’m excited to follow them into 2019.

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5. DDU-DU DDU-DU – BLACKPINK

Is this Blackpink’s best offering? No. But what does it say when your not-best is still miles ahead of the competition? Blackpink have been doing k-pop bangers better than anyone else, and DDU-DU DDU-DU, from Jennie’s spitfire rap to Rosé’s melodies, hits all the right spots (like a ddu-du ddu-du).

Other songs of note: See U Later

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4. Puzzle Moon – GWSN

This song is so good. These girls are so good. As I put together this list, I realised how much all I wanted in 2018 was a good deep house sample, and GWSN delivered. The bass contrasts elegantly with the tiny voices, and the obscure chorus – “make it moon” – emphasizes the magical atmosphere of this song.

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3. Air – Winner

I miss old Winner. New Winner’s YOLO swag annoys me at best, so I dig through their b-sides in search for what we lost when Taehyun left. Air’s appropriately breathy chorus and gentle, romantic atmosphere did it for me and managed to put Winner on my podium yet again. Good job, Winner. Now stop it with the tropical house.

Other songs of note: We Were – Movie Star – Raining – Have A Good Day

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2. KILLING ME – iKON

The year started well for me (and everyone else) and iKON with Love Scenario, but I had no idea of where it would bring us. Killing Me’s bitter, moody atmosphere made for the dance song of my dreams. The decisive beat and array of distortions somehow create an eerie, understated atmosphere. It’s a dance song, but make it sad and a little creepy.

Other songs of note: Love Scenario – Rubber Band – Beautiful – Perfect – Freedom – Don't Let Me Know

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1. Oh My – Monsta X

I know. I am annoying myself by picking a b-side as my favourite song of the year, but here we are. Monsta X have become one of my very favourite groups and, while their album songs have always been amazing, to me Oh My summarizes everything I love and everything I want from them. In a year of minimalism, it’s loud, larger than life, unafraid of bleeps and bloops, rich in both vocals (Kihyun!) and proper rap sections. It’s the powerhouse that I expect from them and I hope to hear again and again.

Other songs of note: Jealousy – Destroyer – Fallin' – Spotlight

9 notes · View notes

sicklylittlesnowflake · 7 years ago

Note

voltron- lance with a cold but doesn't want anyone to know?

(Omg my first voltron prompt..also lowkey nervous bc I’m new to it and everyone already has a million amazing voltron fics and I have nothing new to add to the table :“D on the shorter side so I get used to writing voltron :”) )

Amongst the total debacle of space, discovering alien life, realising that the world was so vast and bigger than the human mind could comprehend, Lance had found another family through his friends. It wouldn’t quite fill the void left by the loss of his family back at earth, but they were loving, a little ignorant and harsh at times during high drake situations, very rarely at that but Lance understood, given the clusterfuck that was their situation.

The universe had been so much larger and diverse than Lance had could have possibly imagined, so many things he did not know. Among all this, topped with insecurities he had struggled with beforehand, he struggled to find his place in all of this.

His friends were kind to him, never telling him he was useless of any sort, but he couldn’t help but feel it. Watching them, with all their own niches and spectacular talent, he grew a little envious, and wishing he could be that. Wishing he could be a little bit more than this.

So when his body began to break down, he had to ignore it, not wanting to seem any weaker than he already was.

“Paladins! Report to the bridge in 60 ticks!”

Lance groaned, not wanting to leave his comfortable, warm position on his bed. He tightened his sheets around his frame as he regained his senses. As he did, he wished he hadn’t because he became aware of a powerful headache, a stuffy nose and a fevered body.

As soon as he realised what was up with him, he widened his eyes, taking his ailment as a challenge. No way would he be taken down by something as simple as a cold.

He pushed himself out of his bed, trying to get ready as quickly as possible. Lance instantly regretted his past decision as his headache intensified, causing him to feel weak and woozy. He groaned softly, until a sudden tickle brewing in his sinuses had him inhaling sharply and sneezing harshly towards the floor.

Lance groaned yet again, the force of the sneeze causing his head to whip forwards, the sudden movement doing no wonders for his already painful headache. He laid a hand against the wall, steadying himself as a wave of dizziness hit him, sighing, bracing himself for what was no doubt going to be a rough day.

“Lance, you’re late!” Allura sighed, a slight hint of annoyance in her voice.

“Nah, y'all are just early! Party doesn’t start til I walk in,” Lance beamed, trying not to raise any suspicion towards his illness.

Keith rolled his eyes fondly, averting his attention back to Allura, “So, what’s the agenda for today?”

“I would like you paladins to partake in an extensive training session today, to bring you all back in shape for any unexpected attacks,” She explained.

“Of course, we appreciate how well you’ve all been working and how strong you’ve all gotten, but there is always room for improvement!” Coran grinned.

“Great!” Lance beamed with feigned enthusiasm for the others. ‘Great,’ he beamed sarcastically to himself.

“I’m ready to kick your ass, Keith,” Lance grinned, all this forced energy already draining his weak body, causing him to feel warm and dizzy. 'I am definitely not ready to kick any ass, Keith,’ Lance thought to himself.

Shiro raised his eyebrow slightly, noticing a slight rasp and congestion to Lance’s voice. He cleared his throat as the rest of the team running off to get into their gear, catching up with Lance.

“Are you okay, Lance?” Shiro asked kindly.

“What? I’m fan-tastic, ready to seize the day!” Lance beamed.

“Hmm,” Shiro merely grunted, not too convinced but let it go for the time being, giving Lance a friendly pat on the back.

Lance kept his smiley, energetic facade on until Shiro and everyone else were out of his sight, and then proceeded to cough a short fit of chesty wet coughs into his arm.

Lance groaned softly, wondering how he was going to get through today.

Lance dodged Keith’s swing sloppily, last minute and nearly tripping over his own feet. He breathed noisily through his mouth, his nose completely stuffed. He could barely even see Keith with his vision turned a blur from his awful headache.

“You’re slacking, Lance!” Keith taunted, dodging a sloppy swing from Lance with ease.

Lance made a groan of frustration and annoyance, his nose starting to burn with a tickling sensation, averting all his attention towards it. Due to the overpowering sensation, he lost all his concentration and ended up being hit by Keith. Extremely hard.

Lance let out a hiss of pain, swallowing to stop himself from being any louder than he already was being. He dropped everything, his frame tipping slightly as he rested his hands on his knees to support himself. The one good thing that came from this was that at least now, he lost the about the tickle, but instead had a throbbing pain in his leg.

Keith’s face went completely white, eyes widening in shock. He rushed towards Lance in worry, dropping everything. He wrapped an arm around Lance’s shoulder to help him stand upright and steady.

“Are you okay?!” Keith asked frantically, guilt dropping out of his voice.

“I’m fine, Keith!” Lance snapped, pushing the boy off of him and stood straight on his own, causing his head to spin. He sniffled weakly, trying to steady himself so he could see straight.

Pidge came up to them, examining Lance’s leg, raising an eyebrow quizzically, “There’s not much damage done here, thankfully. Just a bruising at most.”

“I’m not weak!” Lance hissed, becoming slightly delirious.

Pidge widened her eyes, “What?! No, Lance! That’s not what I meant at all!”

Lance let out a shaky breath, realising what he had done and softened. In that moment he looked much younger, tired, weak. “I’m sorry,” he croaked softly, voice scratchy.

Hunk frowned, “Lance, what’s wrong?”

Lance shook his head aggressively, picking back up and getting himself into a a fighting position. He faced Keith, pulling on a determined look, as he painted. Suddenly, the tickle from earlier returning with vengeance, intense and burning that there was no time for a build up. He simply launched into an powerful fit of sneezing, head snapping forward with each one, which progressively got more forceful.

As he finished, his pounding headache worsened from the impact of snapping forward repeatedly. He slumped forward, giving in to his illness as he allowed himself to feel the true extent of his illness.

“..Lance..?” Pidge called gently.

Lance sniffled, letting out tiny little chesty coughs due to his congestion. He looked pathetic, a complete contrast to his bubbly, friendly exterior.

“What’s wrong?” Hunk asked patiently, a gentle hand propping itself on Lance’s shoulder.

Lance looked up blearily, eyes watery and exhausted, letting out a shaky little sigh before starting his sentence with a congested, little cough, “..I just don’t feel very well..”

Shiro smiled softly, approaching the younger boy and holding him by the shoulders, “Oh Lance..you should’ve told us. You know we wouldn’t have made you do this if we knew you weren’t feeling good.”

Lance sniffled, leaning against Shiro’s steady embrace, “I know..I just..”

“You just..?”

“…I didn’t want you guys to think I was weak,” Lance choked.

Pidge looked bewildered, “What?! We would never think that! Why would you think that? We would be nowhere without you!”

Lance shrugged, “..I don’t know..I wanted to prove to you guys..to myself..that I have a place here, I guess. It’s all just so overwhelming..”

Hunk frowned, “Awh Lance! You have nothing to prove, you’ve already proven yourself time and time again! We wouldn’t have even been able to do all of this if you haven’t connected with Blue!”

Lance managed a tiny smile, “..I just..I don’t know, feel inferior to all you guys. You’re all so talented..”

“Well, that is a load of garbage,” Keith said.

Pidge blinked, looking over at him, “Keith!”

He shook his head, “Lance, you are one of the most talented people I have ever met. You never seize to impress me everyday, and I learn more about you and realise that you’ve really got something. It’s a load of garbage that you think otherwise.”

Lance managed a small smirk, “..I..impress you?”

Keith blushed, looking away in embarrassment, “..That’s all I’m going to say.”

“Ah, there he is,” Pidge joked.

Shiro felt Lance’s forehead with the back of his hand, frowning, “You’ve got a bit of a fever too..you need to get to bed and get some rest. We need you in tip top shape as soon as possible, because we do really need you, Lance.”

Lance gave him a small smile, “..Okay.”

With that, Hunk swooped in and picked Lance up in his arms, giving him a large, loving grin, “Nurse Hunk to the rescue!! I’ll cook you up some good soup in just a little bit!”

The Paladins escorted Lance to his room, where they safely put him into bed, where Hunk said his farewells to make Lance some soup, shortly followed by Pidge who went to find some medicine, then Shiro who went to inform Coran and Allura, leaving him with Keith.

Keith fluffed up Lance’s pillow and tucked him into his blanket, feeling his cheek, brushing hair out of his face, in that totally loving mushy gushy out of character way that left Lance bewildered and having an out of body experience. He didn’t know if this was his fever or real life.

Keith answered that question for him, a slight blush to his cheeks, “..Don’t get yourself excited, I’m not going to be doing this every night now.”

Lance pulled on a look of fake disgust, “Eugh, I wouldn’t want you to.”

Keith smiled softly and sat at the edge of his bed, arms crossed and obviously finding trouble keeping eye contact with him, “..Lance..”

“Mm?”

“..I..didn’t know you felt that way. I-I know this is weird, and let’s not make it weird but if you ever want anyone to talk to..I’m right here, any time at all,” he stammered.

Lance gave him a small woozy smile, a soft, kittenish sneeze escaping him before he sniffled, snuggling into his covers. “..Right back at ya Keith..I’m here too..”

Keith smiled softly, gazing over at Lance with care, watching as the boy’s eyelids slowly drooped, clearly exhausted. He chuckled, “Get some sleep, Lance.”

Allura gently opened the door to Lance’s room, having decided to check on the Paladin and to see if he was well, only to see Keith sitting right by Lance’s side, a loving gaze on his eyes as he watched him sleep, as if trying to keep him safe.

Keith tensed as he heard her come in, whipping his head around to face her and relaxed as he realised it was only her. Suddenly, he realised what had happened and blushed with embarrassment, “uh..listen..”

Allura only smiled, “No, you don’t have to say anything. And I won’t either.”

She left shortly after, knowing Lance would be just fine if Keith was there by his side. And she was right, because Keith remained there to ensure that Lance was alright, making a vow to himself that nothing would ever hurt this boy, and the rest of his friends would help him do so.

#lance mcclain #keith kogane #klance #langst #voltron #pidge gunderson #hunk garrett #takashi shirogane #prompts #sickfic #whump #wow this is lowkey making me nervous to publish :')#also sorry for the delay in prompts i've been super busy!!#and i wrote this in one bus journey i;m sorry if its bad :((

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shahin-fan-blog · 5 years ago

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Local Magic Review – Alert ! Should AVOID

Welcome to my Local Magic Review. First let me ask you a question. Why you’ve come to read Local Magic Review ? May be you have received high promising email promotions from multiple affiliate marketers. Or may be Facebook Ads or you are Warrior+Plus member, right ?

It doesn’t matter why you come to read Local Magic Review, It’s sure that you want to know that is Local Magic suitable for you or not ?

Is Local Magic worth to buy or not ? Does Local Magic Works as they are claiming ?

I have been finding more about Local Magic and now I’m ready to share !

Before I start !

If you’re tired of junk and not working products/systems and want a REAL solution for making money online, check out my no 1 proven recommendation.

It’s helped me to change my life, I have made $5960 in my first 30 days and making $10,000/monthnow with this proven strategy. I will share everything with YOU !

Go here to see my no.1 recommendation for making money online

LOCAL MAGIC REVIEW

Local Magic is launched by Art Flair on Warrior+Plus Marketplace. It’s launched on 28th August. And it’s front end price is $16.95 to $19.95. Its basically software product with training.

Local Magic promises to solve traffic problem for anyone ! They claim as their software can find leads for you ! They also claim that they provide DFY tools and training ! This software is client getting package.

As we know traffic is the most need thing in internet marketing. Without traffic no affiliate marketer can survive. This is true. But Can Local Magic can give you that solution.

TRUE to say, there is no magic ! There’s no magic exists ! You have to build your traffic or you have to pay for traffic.

These are TWO universal truth. Accept it or not !

So, without falling in greed , try my no 1 recommended system to build a REAL online business in REAL World.

How It Works – Does It Really Work ?

So, what local magic offers :

Software

Training

According Local Magic :

It includes a 1-Click Lead Finding Software

It includes a DFY System for converting leads into paying clients

It includes a Premium Marketing Package to sell

No headaches – everything is 100% Done-For-You – just Copy & Paste

It guarantees Happy Clients – over & over again

But in real world, thing not like this fancy words and false promising !

Don’t worry ! I am not saying these without any explanations. Let me explain !

So, you now know that Local Magic has a software and 10 step video.

Now see their video titles in 10 steps process. You will understand how it will work and how this software will give you leads and clients in 1 CLICK ?

So here you are seeing that :

Step -1 : Finding your niche .

Step -2 : Fine Tune your niche.

Step -3 : Create a product or service —– You need to create products or services, understand ?

Step – 4 : Video marketing services

Step – 5 : Pricing your product or services

Step – 6 : Building your brand —– even you need to build your brand.

Step – 7 : Creating reference materials —– what if you are newbie or don’t know these stuffs ?

Step – 8 : Setting up appointments —- you need to be fixed by time – not free anymore !

Step – 9 : Schedule meeting with client — and you need to have client meeting for getting client , what ??

So, these are the training steps involved in the members area.

So, how they can call it newbie friendly and 1 click leads/client getting software ?

A BIG false promises. Don’t fall for it !

Go to see my no 1 recommendation to start a solid business if you are total newbie

Local Review Features – As per their claimed :

Use their 1-Click Lead Finding Software to find potential clients in minutes

Their Done For You System converts these leads into paying clients

Offer a unique, proven, premium video service that every single business out there wants and needs

Charge up to $1,000 per client

Rinse & Repeat

They claimed on sales page as using their 2 steps , anyone can solve problems :

Step – 1 :

They created a 1-Click Lead Finding Software, which finds hordes of potential clients in minutes – it’s 100% DONE FOR YOU.

This eliminates HOURS of manual work – trying to use Google and/or social media to find potential clients – and most importantly, it’s BATTLE TESTED & highly optimized.

Step 1 is all about GETTING LEADS YOU CAN CONVERT INTO CLIENTS quickly.

Step – 2 :

They have created the ULTIMATE & PROVEN TO SELL Video Marketing Package that clients pay up to $1,000 for and then thank you for it! With it you’ll be able to deliver Massive Value to every single new client you get.

Step 2 is all about DELIVERING MASSIVE RESULTS for your clients.

But with my breakdown of their video training you know that these are not true at all !

So, without wasting time, go to see my no 1 recommendation to minimize your error.

What You will get inside Local Magic Members area :

DFY 1-Click Lead Finding Software

The software we created generates dozens of leads in minutes that you can potentially turn into clients paying up to $1,000 a pop. It saves you hours of work and provides the best pre-qualified leads you can find online. It’s like having a full time employee finding new leads for your business – only without the cost and without the headaches.

DFY System For Turning Leads Into Paying Clients ($1,000 a pop)

Our PROVEN TO WORK system for converting freshly found leads into clients that will gladly pay you up to $1,000 and then will thank you for it. Having the leads to sell to is one thing – being able to actually close the deal is another and we solved both of these problems for you.

DFY Premium Video Service to deliver Massive Value

You have the leads, you know how to convert them into buyers – now you need a High Quality Service you can deliver to them – and that’s exactly what we’re providing you with. A Premium Video Marketing Service any Online or Offline Business Owner needs.

Step-by-Step Video Training

We’re including all the video training you’ll need to start using the software, to know what to do with the new leads, to deliver the service to new clients and even how to outsource it all. It’s all in there!

Here’s again problem arises !

To get DFY packages, you have to upgrade or buy OTO’s /up sells .

OTO 1 – Value $37

OTO 2 – Value $29.95- $39.95

OTO 3 – Value $1 Trial

OTO 4 – Value $67

OTO 5 – Value $147

And all with these , you will be in stuck ! If you have read this honest Local Magic Review from the first, you should now clearly understand that this is not going to work !

So, If you’re tired of junk and not working products/systems and want a REAL solution for making money online, check out my no 1 proven recommendation.

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mailspoon4-blog · 5 years ago

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On Baby Changing Areas in a Men’s Bathroom — Curtis McHale

When my oldest daughter started to read on her own it took so much concentration. Every single word involved 120% of her attention. She’d start to sound out a word, get close and guess and then ask me because it wasn’t quite right. I’d tell her what word she was searching for and she’d go off on the next bit. About half way through her first page she was fed up, not because of the effort of reading though.

Whoa, this is a long post. Did you know that Members get it in PDF, and other eBook formats? They also get to join me for discussion on how to improve their business monthly and finally a monthly book group. You should become a member. You can also purchase Getting Unstuck on Amazon.

Sure the work was hard, but the frustrating part for her was that the story didn’t make any sense. The writing wasn’t bad and the story wasn’t over her head. It was a decent kid’s book for a 6-year-old. The problem was that with all of her attention focused on figuring out which word she was looking at, she had no attention to spare to piece the whole sentence together at once.

She couldn’t grasp the flow of the story because she was just barely getting the individual words.

This is where you start with any endeavor. The simple fact of getting the basics done is overwhelming. When I started teaching myself web development while getting my Counselling Degree I could barely get a site up and launched. It was all held together with duct tape and promises.

I couldn’t spare any time to dig into what it took to run an awesome business. I was hanging on praying it didn’t all fall apart around me. I didn’t have a client vetting process, or know how to do great client communication. This is normal. In fact, one of the reasons I suggest you work for an agency or web firm before you head out on your own is so that you can learn a bunch of the lessons while getting paid by someone else.

Then you have less skin in the game. The risk is lower. Once you’re out and running your own business, the risk is all yours. If you make a mistake, you pay the price.

I remember sitting at my screen in my early development days with no one to ask for help. I sat debugging for 8 hours and at the end of the day I still didn’t even know the right questions to ask.

I cried.

You don’t have to do that if you work for someone else to start.

Many people get stuck focusing on the craft of code, or design. They want to sit walled off all day and do that work, but running a business is much more than the specific item you’re selling. Thinking that your business is only about the code is like my 6-year-old spending all her concentration on the words in front of her, with nothing to spare for the bigger picture.

If you’re running a web development shop, or a web design shop, or a freelance writing agency, you are not actually in the business of design, code, or writing.

You’re in the business of sales. You need to know how to figure out the value that the client wants if you want to earn well.

You can’t sit and focus all the time on code like a Maker. You have Manager tasks to do that no one can do but you. I manage these two different types of tasks with The Mullet Method for Deep Work.

With The Mullet Method, I work 6 am – 9 am on Maker tasks. I focus without distraction. Then I take an hour or two off work and get back to it for another three hours where I allow some distractions to be around.

If marketing and sales and managing client relationships all sound like a terrible idea, then keep your job. Stay where you are and do your Maker work, with little worry about sales and management and hiring and billing. Not everyone is cut out to run their own business.

Don’t idealize running a business. It’s a lot of pain and hard work.

photo credit: kwl cc

What You Need To Learn to Run a Successful Freelance Business

You don’t have to stay stuck though. In fact, I assume you’re tired of being stuck and you’re looking to learn to do more than write code. You’re ready to stop focusing on just the design or the writing, and dig into how to run a business that earns well and leaves time for a life outside of working.

You want to start being not only a financial force at home, you want to be a great dad as well. Someone who has the time to build Lego with the kids while not being stressed the whole time about ‘work’ and how it’s going to happen.

You’re in luck then, because we’re going to cover the big areas you need to have a handle on if you want to build an amazing business.

First, we’ll dig into marketing and sales to help make sure that you have a handle on what it’s going to take to handle those well.

Second, we’ll look at what it means to run client relationships well. This is the part where you follow up with prospects and former clients to keep your pipeline full.

Third, we’ll discuss what it means to run a great client project. The tools don’t matter as much as the methods you use to approach the client and keep them in the loop.

Finally, we’ll dig into what it means to be personally productive. When you are on your own it all comes down to you. There is no other team member to jump in and pull you out of the fire. You are either productive and get the work done, or you aren’t. The only person you can blame is yourself.

Now, let’s get started with marketing and sales for the freelancer.

photo credit: clement127 cc

Marketing and Sales for Your Freelance Business

The first place you’ll need to start is to figure out which niche you’re going to serve. I’ve already written a whole book called Finding Your Niche and Marketing which addresses the specifics, so this will be an overview of the high points you better have covered to even be playing the right game.

Why You Need to Niche

Deciding to go for a niche is scary. When you’re starting it feels like you’re going to be saying no to so many prospects that your revenue will dry up.

Your butthole tightens up so hard that it could be played as a snare drum.

I get it. When you’re starting it’s hard to say no to anyone with money because you’re trying to make it all work with duct tape and string. It’s okay to start here. I started there and I haven’t talked to anyone that didn’t. If you want to raise your rates and move out of the barely holding it together financially mindset, you need to start working into a niche.

The thing about a niche, any niche, is that it lets you start to target your marketing. If you decide that you’re going to work with rural farmers, you don’t bother with all the possibilities that market to New York business people. When you’re “for everyone” it’s much harder to make that decision about where to target your marketing.

You’re much more likely to make an inch of progress in 1000 directions and thus gain little traction.

My friend Philip specializes in helping businesses…specialize. He has often said that he’d rather have you pick a niche at random then market to everyone. He’s had clients do this and start earning way more money. They also find out that the random industry has interesting problems to solve. Far from being bored, Philip’s clients dive deeper and enjoy the work with that random niche.

While I agree with Philip that any niche is better than no niche, with a bit of work we can do next, you don’t have to have a random niche. You can be more intentional so your niche builds a freelance business you enjoy.

How to Find a Niche

Let’s start by thinking about what you like to do. What problems do you enjoy solving for clients? Do you love to dive deep into bad code and figure out why it’s terrible and what it should do being so that you can extract a stable system out of it for your client?

Do you love building a basic beautiful and functional site for small businesses?

Are you in love with eCommerce and making more sales?

Each of these is a valid option for a niche, but they��re not an ending point. While you can gain more traction by focusing on eCommerce, you still have to compete against everyone that does eCommerce for any business. It’s even better if you can look to a specific industry.

Do you have a background in farming, or compete in horse jumping? I spent a decade guiding outdoor trips, then 5 years selling canoes and kayaks. This experience puts me in a perfect position to market my eCommerce skills to the outdoor industry and become the leading choice for anyone with an outdoor shop wanting to move into online sales.

Now, it’s time to ask yourself, what provides the most value to prospects out of the things you like. It’s likely that building a basic site for someone is of less value than building them an online store, or increasing their conversions. You need to choose something to work on that has decent interest for you and high value for potential clients.

The final money question to ask yourself as you pick a niche for your beginning freelance business is, who has money to pay for your services.

It’s easy to default to “Fortune 100” companies, but the truth is that along with the high fees you can charge these companies is huge headaches. You get to charge lots because of those headaches.

Instead, think about what scale the business needs to have to pay for your services. You don’t need hundreds of clients a year to build a six-figure business. Five clients with an average project of $20k is a six-figure business. The Fortune 1-million has plenty of money for you and a much larger pool with less headaches. Deal with a niche inside that Fortune 1-million.

Building Persona’s

With your nice defined, it’s time to dig into exactly who you’ll talk to in that niche. Again, you can’t assume you’re going to talk to everyone if you want solid traction. You must pick specific people to talk to and then tailor your marketing to them.

A persona is a named ‘person’ with some basic characteristics defined that you can speak to. As I write this I’m thinking of my “Bob” persona.

Bob has been running a freelance business for a few years. He has had some success, but is ready to start taking the whole thing seriously. He needs to get better processes together around marketing and his own focus time. He’s tired of working 12 hour days. That worked when he didn’t have kids, but he does have kids now and he wants to be a great dad. Phoning it in at dinner while being stressed about the next payment is not what he ever dreamed of.

He dreamed of being around to build cool stuff with his kids. He wanted to roll around on the floor with them and take them sledding in the winter on a random Monday.

That means that as I write this and I’m stuck I can ask myself “what would Bob need to know about this so that he can be more successful.” That question clears up any content blocks right away.

photo credit: clement127 cc

How Do You Build a Persona

If you have any experience in your niche at all, then you have some idea of the people that are around. Start there. My first personas were nothing more than a customer I’d met. I even used their name on the persona and then some bullet points about where they were in business and what the big problems they struggled with were.

Just like any niche is better than no niche, any persona is better than none.

If you’re trying to enter an entirely new market, then you need to start digging into it. Find the blogs, podcasts, forums, and Facebook Groups that serve the industry. As you do this, you’ll see a bunch of the same names pop up. Dig into them and start building your personas off these people.

Look at who they serve as customers and build your persona off your best guess for the customer they serve.

As you’re building persona’s aim for three. I have Brian, the person with a job that wants more freedom to be an awesome parent and is trying to start a freelance business. Bob, has started one and is needing to move it to a business instead of a shoestring and love endeavour. Finally Dave, has been doing 6-Figures consistently, but wants to do more either by building better systems or a team. Dave wants to be able to walk away for a few weeks and still have money coming in.

Each piece of content, each book, each podcast, each guest blog, is aimed at one of these three personas. Some content may be aimed at all three, say something on how to negotiate work and home time with their spouse.

Use Persona’s to Guide Your Content

Now, you’ve got some persona’s which means it’s time to use them in your business. While I don’t claim to be a daily blogger, it pretty much turns out that way. My aim is to have something for each persona in a week.

When I pick the content I’m writing I look at the three persona’s and shape the content to suit them. If I look at a week and only have stuff for that person that wants to run their own business, but isn’t doing it yet, then I look around for other content so that I can hit my other two persona’s. I don’t look at my site content every day. A monthly check in to make sure I’m hitting content relevant to each persona is enough.

Every single piece of content you put out should have these persona’s in mind. Every conference you speak at, should be shaped by these persona’s.

If you’re doing it all in a haphazard way, then you might hit the mark sometimes, maybe. More likely, you’ll scatter your marketing so far and wide that you never reach anyone effectively.

How to Get Your Name Out There

With your persona’s in place, it’s time to get your name out there because it’s possible that your niche has no idea you exist. In fact, it’s almost 100% guaranteed that most of your niche has no idea you exist.

Sure, some of the people in a market have considered you (and even rejected you). But most of the people in the market have never even heard of you. The market doesn’t have just one mind. Different people in the market are seeking different things. – The Dip

The first thing you’re going to have to get over is your fear of selling yourself. If you’re not selling yourself then no one is. There is no freelance god that blesses a beginning freelance business with goodness from the benevolent “awesomeness” of the universe so that it succeeds.

If your plan uses the word “hope” then you’re relying on this god, that doesn’t exist. Hope is not a strategy that’s going to get your beginning freelance business to the next level. It’s going to keep you going at the same barely hanging on level you’re currently at.

Now, let’s look at some of the specific methods you can use to get yourself out there. I’ve written about them in more detail in Finding and Marketing Your Niche, if you need to go deeper.

Blogging

The first place to start is your own site, and blogging on it. This is the place that you control in the easiest manner. If you build a Facebook Group and then Facebook decides that they hate groups and are killing them, your whole following is dead.

While search engines are getting better at reading content that’s not plain words, words are what they’re best at dealing with. Blogging, and being focused in your blogging, will help you get found by your ideal clients.

Start by writing one item a week. If that sounds crazy because writing is hard, you’ll get better. Maybe you need to set aside an hour a week to write and then publish something every other week. The more high quality content you put out there, the faster you’ll see traction from it.

The more you write the faster you get. I can write upwards of 5000 words in two hours, but I have written 5 books and at least 1500 blog posts. Probably more because I have at least 3 old sites that had lots on them which no longer exist. You can get here, it’s going to take a while, but you can get here. All you have to do is start, and then publish.

Once you’ve got a handle on getting content on your site, it’s time to think about guest posting. Strategic guest posting can yield awesome returns. I had one guest post earn me over $50k in a year because people kept reading it and feeling I was the expert they needed. The next year it earned around the same. While I didn’t get paid for the guest post, it was obviously worth the investment of time.

Another great avenue for your content is Medium. I’ve found that republishing my content on Medium, and getting it in a publication, has been a huge driver of traffic to my site. If you’re scared of guest posting and the extra time commitment it may take then start by republishing your content on Medium and trying to get it into a publication.

Podcasting

Podcasting is another great way to get your voice out there. It can be better than blogging because podcasting is a higher trust method of communication. Podcasting is higher trust because people can hear your voice and your mannerisms and they are more likely to trust you. The closer you can get to shaking someone’s hand the better.

In fact, podcasting is so good that I’ve see amazing returns from my podcasting endeavours. Especially when I get one someone else’s podcast. It’s so good that no other method of ‘guesting’ is even in the same league.

I have noticed over the last year that it is getting harder to get on podcasts as a guest. As a podcaster and blogger, I think this is because so many of the requests to get on my site or show are terrible. They’re some generic email I’ve seen a many times. They tell me why whatever the person wants to talk about is perfect for my audience.

It almost always shows that they haven’t even listened to my show or looked at my audience or what I like to talk about with my guests. It’s marketing people trying to get their clients on podcasts.

If you want to start getting on podcasts, then start by finding the most obscure and niche shows possible.

For creators, it is typically easier to reach the smaller, better-defined group. If you reach the smaller group and wow them, there will be many opportunities to spread outward and upward. – Perennial Seller

If you’ve got your niche defined, and some solid persona’s then you can find these podcasts. Listen to them and figure out who they love to talk to and what they love to talk about. Then armed with this information, send a personal pitch telling them why you think you might fit with their guests.

This is a much slower method than the pump and dump method where you fire off the same email to everyone, but you’re much more likely to hear yes.

Networking

As I said already, the closer you can get to shaking someone’s hand, the more trust you’re going to build. It’s far too easy to sit behind your computer screen, sending off emails, and think that you’re doing an awesome job marketing your business. The fastest way to getting clients will always be getting out and shaking hands.

Now, I’m not saying that you need to go out to every crap marketing event that’s out there. You should be picking any networking event in light of your niche and your persona’s. Only go to the ones that fit in with those two filters.

When you head out to a networking event, go in with a clear plan. If you can get your hands on the guest list, identify a few people that you want to talk to and do a bit of research on their business. Then, walk up to them and talk to them.

Introduce yourself and ask more questions about their business. They’ve been to a bunch of these events and they’re used to the terrible superficial questions, so go deeper and stand out.

These are not the only methods you can use to get your name out in your industry. They’re the ones I’ve seen my coaching clients do and have the most success with. In some cases, that’s been because the other even more effective methods like public speaking are so terrifying that you need a foundation of networking to even consider speaking in front of people.

How to Evaluate Your Marketing Channels

Now that you have some marketing channels going, it’s time to evaluate them. It’s no good to continue to spend time doing outreach when it’s not working. The only place you always keep going is with your own blog or podcast. This is your hub, and no matter how small the audience, it’s the place that you send everyone who interacts with you from your other marketing channels.

Establish Your Goal

The first thing you need to do is establish which channels are hitting your goals. Years ago when Stumbleupon was a thing I had clients asking how to get on it so they could get a bunch of traffic. At no point did I ever recommend wasting their time on Stumbleupon.

The thing with Stumbleupon was that it sent a bunch of traffic, that went away immediately. Sure the traffic numbers looked great, but no one made a purchase and few people converted to email subscribers. It was only a cost since it would use your server cycles and provide no benefit.

You need to think about which metric is the important one for you to measure. Do you want more traffic, or do you want more email subscribers? Are you targeting people to your video course? If you don’t know what metric is most important for your site, then you have no way to measure the success of the marketing channels you are using.

You’ll also need a way to identify users from the different channels. Say you’re on 4 podcasts. Two do little, one sends a bunch of users, but that fourth one sends you 10 solid leads who made a purchase. Which one is the most valuable one? Which one should you be looking at harder to see why it worked best and how to find that audience, or an audience like it again?

You can do this by providing a custom landing page for each audience or a coupon code to use with the purchase.

Which Channels are Hitting the Goals

Now that you have a way to figure out which channels are providing the best conversions on your important metrics, you need to look at the information. Not every day. Not every week. Don’t worry about it for at least six months.

You wait six months because it’s going to take you a while to get the ball rolling. If you’re on a podcast, it may not come out for 4 weeks so checking to see if it’s converting before it’s even out is a waste of your time.

When you look at your metrics you should be trying to figure out a few things. First, which mediums are converting the best? Is it podcasting, or blogging, or speaking, or…? Stick with the ones that convert the best and drop the others.

Second, which blogs or podcast convert best inside their medium. Try to identify their audiences so that you can find more people that might match up, but would listen to or read a different site. Then you can target that site and have some relevant “experience” inside the field to point to when you make a pitch to them.

There is more to marketing your business. This is a primer for those of you what are already freelancing, but need to turn it that beginning freelance business into something that supports you and the life you want to live.

There is a bunch more reading if you’re ready to dig in deep to the topic of marketing your business. If you’re ready for that, check out my reading list on Marketing Your Business.

photo credit: activars cc

Managing Client Relationships in Your Freelance Business

Once you get more than a few prospects on the go, you need a way to keep following up with them. While you may think you had a great discussion and that the prospect will remember you forever, they won’t. Most prospects end up going with the freelancer they most recently came across.

Sure, you’re sort of on the list, but for every month you let go by without reaching out to them you’re further down the list.

This section is going to walk you through what it takes to get on a client’s list and stay on it.

One of the big pitfalls with businesses looking at a CRM is that they start with the tool in mind. Almost every time, the tool doesn’t matter. I use a paper notebook now, but have used a number of digital CRM tools.

The issue you run into by starting with a tool is that you don’t have a process worked out yet. Instead of developing a process for yourself that works, you outsource that hard thinking to the tool and just do what it says assuming that it will work for you.

This may bring a little bit of benefit, but you’ll gain so much more benefit by testing a process first, then looking at the tools that will fit into your process.

How To Do Amazing Prospect Follow Up with Your Freelance Business?

Let’s start with the basic rule that you should be following up more than you think. If you don’t feel a bit uncomfortable with the frequency of the follow up, then you’re not following up enough. I’m not saying that instead of every 3 months you should follow up daily, but for most cases 3 months is way too long to wait. It’s so long that you won’t even be on the prospect’s list anymore.

When a prospect first reaches out to you, you’ll need to follow up with them more often. If a prospect emails me on a Wednesday and I reply I assume I’m emailing them again on Tuesday. In fact, if I’ve emailed a prospect in a week and they’re not on my long term follow up plan yet (we’ll talk about that in a minute) then I email them on Tuesday.

Yes, I might email you on Friday and then on Tuesday to check in. If I don’t hear back from a prospect, then I’ll follow up weekly for four or five weeks. I always send them one final email that goes something like this.

Hey $prospect, hope the day is going awesome. I wanted to touch base because I haven’t heard back from you recently. I’m going to assume that you’re no longer doing the project so I won’t bug you weekly anymore. If that changes, let me know. Have an awesome day! Curtis

Almost every time I send that email I get some response back. Sometimes the prospect opens the conversation back up, and I reset to the four or five week follow up scheme. Sometimes they agree that the project isn’t on the radar right now for some reason, and they give me a timeframe for when it will be on the radar again.

I write their name down for follow up in that window again.

Occasionally I hear nothing from them so I put them on my long term follow up plan.

There are a number of prospects or clients that will fall into the long term follow up schedule. The first one we’ll address is the prospect above. Assuming that nothing in the project seemed crazy, I’ll follow up with them every two months for a year. Even if I never hear back from them in the year, I still send them a check in email every two months for a year.

If I don’t hear back from them in any fashion, I drop them off my list of follow up. More often than not I do hear back in some fashion at some point. When I hear back from them I simply reset the two week counter. If they’ve indicated that they want to move forward with the project now, they go back on the weekly follow up for the four or five emails. Then they’d drop back into the long term follow up plan.

The second group of people that fall into the long term follow up strategy are awesome clients I’d love to work with again. They get an email every two months pretty much forever. Oh I’m sure that some awesome clients have dropped off my list for one reason or another, but I don’t intend for it to happen.

Over my 10-years in business, I’ve had a number of clients end up coming back for a big project because I emailed them. It’s been 5-years since we’ve had any interaction outside of my emails, and maybe the odd reply, but because I’ve been consistent they come right to me with work.

There is no one else even in the running for the work.

If you want a business that will run well and generate leads for you regularly, you need to stay on top of this follow up. I’ll say it again later, but the biggest issue I see when I talk to small business owners about their prospect and client follow up strategy, is that they don’t put aside time in their week to do it.

Make sure you put time aside.

What Should My Client Follow Up Look Like?

Now, what should your client follow up look like? First, you need to write your follow up in a way that suits you. I’m a bit looser than some, but it works for me. I use their possible issues with my terrible jokes in email as a way to filter out the prospects I don’t want to become clients.

A general email to a prospect I’m following up with on either the long term or weekly schedule would follow the format below.

Hey $prospect, hope the day is going awesome. (Maybe insert some banter here) I wanted to touch base to see what the status of the project is on your end. Are you ready to move forward with it? Is there something else that you’re planning on doing instead? Do you have any questions or issues around your site that I can help on? Have an awesome day! Curtis

That’s it, in fact the long term follow up email for great clients only has one addition to the format above, and you can see it. Since I’ve got to know them as clients over a while already I may insert some question about them and their family.

One client I have worked with off and on for 5 years is a triathlete. I always insert a question about his training. He’s also been interested in my outdoor adventures so I’ll tell him about what we’re doing and what I’m training for next. I did this for two years after our first project before he started the next one and then for three years before the last one I worked on with him.

The first project we worked on was $5k. The other two were in excess of $20k.

Yes the continual emails for five years has been worth it. I’m still emailing him every two months asking him how things are going.

Now take 30 minutes and work out your follow up process. Write down the email templates you’re going to use. If you need help with writing better emails to clients, I wrote a guide on how to do that called Effective Client Email. It covers more than just your client follow up emails though. It will give you the emails I’ve honed over 10-years to make sure that I’m weeding out the prospects I don’t want as clients.

What Should my CRM System Look Like?

You should have a prospect and client follow up process written down now, but how do you keep track of it? This section will introduce what I do for my analogue CRM system, and what you should be looking for in a digital tool.

What Does My Analogue CRM Look Like for a Freelance Business?

I’ve tried a bunch of digital tools and I keep coming back to an analogue system. If you keep track of my site, I’ll be writing a long piece about how I use an analogue productivity system for everything but client projects that require collaboration.

My analogue CRM is fairly close to a standard Bullet Journal system. When I have a prospect that needs to get a follow up, I stick their name on the monthly planning page that goes with the month.

If that means they fall out of the current month, I add their name to the future log with a date next to their name.

Beside the name I’ll put a number like 4/5 which means that this email I’m sending is the 4th email out of the five emails I send. That way I know which standard email to use when I send the communication.

For a prospect on long term follow up we drop the number of emails and a date goes there showing me when I stop emailing them. If they respond, then the date gets adjusted.

One thing to remember is that you need enough information beside that name so that you have the context required to find their email in your email application. When I used to outsource finding a prospect to a CRM, more often than not I’d have no idea who I was going to be emailing because I had barely glanced at them instead of needing to spend some brain power figuring out who this was and what we had talked about.

If it’s an awesome client on long term follow up, I just write the name down with the date so that I can find their information. Sometimes I’ve seen some extra information about them on social media which I’ll add beside their name so I can bring it up.

That’s it. It’s not fancy and it requires writing things over and over again, but I find that to be a benefit. It means that I become more familiar with the prospect as I have to expend a bit of mental energy. It also means that I only put the top prospects on the list to follow up with. I don’t bother with all the random low value people that send inquires my way until they jump the first bars in my client vetting process.

What Do I Look For in a Digital CRM for my Beginning Freelance Business?

If you’re not going with an analogue system then the place to start is your process. I’ve already said this, but you need to have a system down. You at least need to have an ‘ideal’ you’re aiming for with follow up. Then you need to look at the available tools and choose one that fits with your process.

If you don’t have a basic system ready, then stop looking and do the personal work first. Write down the problems you’re having and what you think the solutions may be.

Some good options for a digital CRM, all of which I’ve used at different times are:

• Contactually • Streak • Pipedrive

I know there are many others out there, but those are the three I’ve spend at least a few months with that I found valuable. I spent the most time with Contactually at first, but found the extra inbox to track too much overhead so I stopped checking it. Then I worked with Streak which was built directly into my email. For some reason I just never fully “got” their system and while it was checked and followed up lots I still felt like it was a bunch of extra work to stay inside Streak.

Hence my analogue system.

The Biggest Pitfalls in Using a CRM in Your Freelance Business

The biggest issue when using a CRM in your freelance business is using it. Most freelancers hear about the benefits of using a CRM and then get a software recommendation for one and go with it. They use it for a few weeks and then it drops of the radar.

They’re still paying a monthly fee, but not using the CRM they picked. It’s an expense, bringing no benefit.

You won’t use your CRM well, if you don’t have time set aside for it in your week. In a standard 40 hour week, have two hours set aside for following up with prospects. Stick to those two hours. Guard them with your life, because a good follow up system is one of the keys to building a freelance business that succeeds.

A second pitfall with CRM’s and not using them is that they’re often outside of your personal productivity system and your project management system. They fall into the category of “out of site out of mind”. You forget about them.

When you’re choosing a system you must choose something that will integrate into your current productivity workflow in a manner that ensures you will use it.

I’ve chosen to use my paper planner for this. As I described, I follow a mostly Bullet Journal system and move prospect names forward in the future log or on a monthly collection depending on when I want to follow up with them. This means that I always need enough information written down to identify a prospect so I have to understand them and know them.

When I used OmniFocus I would end up with links to emails as tasks and I would use that ease of finding the conversation as a crutch. It meant I rarely understood the client and was rarely invested in moving forward with them. They were simply a name that came up that needed a reply. I’d end up reading through a bunch of email again every time so that I had some context.

By moving to an entirely paper system I must understand the client better. I must decided if they’re worth following up with because it’s a pain to continue to move them forward in the system. I can’t simply bump a date forward, making a promise on my future time, I must evaluate their chances of becoming a paying client as I write down their information again.

This system has resulted in a much smaller list of people that I consider prospects and put time into following up with. My win rate on those prospects is much higher though so it’s a net positive.

You can go deeper on Managing Client Relationships with my resource page.

photo credit: clement127 cc

Project Management For A Beginning Freelance Business

The worst way to manage a project is via email. If there is more than a single task to get done, never manage a project in email. Email is almost always only a list of what others think is important for you to do in a week. It rarely matches up with what is actually important for your week.

The answer to “What is the ONE Thing I can do today that will make the rest of my business easier or irrelevant” is almost never contained in your inbox.

By moving your current projects out into a trusted system that’s not email, and that’s not your personal productivity system, you get to filter your incoming requests. You not longer see a client, who has a current agreement with you, and a prospect, who you have no obligation to, in the same interface.

Prospects have no sway on your time. They’re someone that might maybe have something you’re interested in doing if it’s perfect.

What Process Should You Use for Project Management?

You’ve taken the first step and your projects are no longer being managed in your inbox, but what system do you use?

Do you go old-school and stick with a waterfall method?

Do you get right “up with the times” and go for Scrum or Agile?

Does it matter which method you use?

I’m going to fall on the side of saying that it doesn’t matter so much what method you use. They all have benefits, and drawbacks. I use something close to Agile. I work in short sprints with clients on a fairly well defined set of tasks and we ship them.

Regardless of which methodology you adopt, there are a few thing that you need to get right if you want to ship winning projects.

Project Success Page

The first task that should go in your project management system with a client is for them. You should be giving them a link to your project success page with the instructions that they read it and then resolve the task. What…you don’t have a project success page? Well let’s talk about what that is.

First, the whole goal of the page is to communicate information to your client so that they can help you have a successful project. It’s not about berating them, it’s about giving them the information they need.

Many clients will have never seen a page like this. They’ll realize that they make projects harder, and the never knew it. It’s likely that whoever they worked with just made comments about it behind their back instead of addressing the issues like an adult.

In your project success page include any information the client will need to have a winning project. Inform them what a good task looks like. That a task which includes three different action items is one that will probably have something missed.

Tell them not to email you, and make sure you provide another link to whichever project management software you use.

Have them decide on the single point of contact, and any other people that need to be in the project management system. The fewer the better, and there always needs to be one person on their end that is responsible for making sure their team gets stuff done.

You can look at my Project Success Page if you need to see one in action. One I added this, and asked clients to read it, my problems in project management went way down.

photo credit: clement127 cc

Get Something Up As Fast As Possible

Next, get something up for your client to see as fast as possible. When I’m building a WordPress theme, I’ll have as much of the homepage as possible done as fast as possible. Usually within a day or two.

One of the biggest fears that clients have is that you’re going to take their deposits and then flake out. It’s happened to them before. You’ve probably taken way longer than you thought on a project before, so that means you did it as well.

By getting something up quickly for them to see, you build trust. Then you can keep plugging away on the work at a slower pace, so long as you have progress to show regularly and you meet the dates that you’ve agreed upon.

How Often Do We Communicate?

Something that developers are especially good at is going into “mole mode”. They get involved in a project and just keep focused on it for weeks and end. They barely come up for air, and are getting lots of work done.

I get it, code is a Maker task and Maker’s need lots of time to do their work without interruption. But your client isn’t a Maker. They can’t look over your shoulder every few days to see what’s up.

They figure you’ve flaked out on them unless you keep them up to date. Keeping them up to date starts with a weekly phone call. Yes, you’re going to pick one day a week and use part of it to talk to your current clients and give them an update. I use Tuesday as my day.

But that’s not all you’re going to do. You’re going to update them as a comment in whichever PM system you use on Friday and Monday. On Friday, you’re going to give them a recap of how the week went and remind them what’s on the list for next week.

On Monday, you’re going to remind them again what’s on the list for the week and when they’ve booked their weekly check in. If you need to see a format for this communication then check out Effective Client Email. I provide the templates I use there.

This communication is on top of anything you do to update the project management system as you complete tasks. The Monday/Friday email and the call are the bare minimum you should be doing to communicate with your clients. It’s the least they expect, and it will be about 10000% more than they got from their last freelancer.

Avoiding Scope Creep In your Beginning Freelance Business

The final thing that kills a project is scope creep. That list of things that sound like they’re awesome and just get added to the list. Yes, some of them are good ideas, but the longer that list gets the less likely it is that you’ll launch the project.

When I setup a project I have four lists in Trello. They’re labelled:

This Week

Tasks

Future

Questions/Other

‘This Week’ is updated every Friday and has all the tasks that are going to be done in the next week long cycle. That means on Friday you need to look at your ‘Tasks’ list and decide what can reasonably get done in a week. Only those items go on the list.

This is not a list of the hopes and dreams you have for a week. It’s a list of wha you know you can get done. I’d rather see a smaller list that gets done than a big list that you finish 50% of. When your client see that 50% done list, they’re going to loose faith in you and the project.

The second list is all of the tasks that are in the project. I usually have them organized in the order I think they’ll need to be done in. On Friday, I survey the list and move ever any items that I plan on doing the next week.

Those two lists comprise the whole project that was estimated on. The other two lists should contain nothing that was originally agreed upon.

Next, the “Questions/Other” list. This is where your client puts any questions they have on the project or any other stuff that they enter. In general, clients shouldn’t be updating any of the other lists at all unless they’re responding to something I’ve asked them about or approving and resolving a task.

From the “Questions/Other” list I may move something into the “Tasks” if it is something that is included in the project, but needs to be spelled out better for the client. Most of the stuff that comes up here though ends up in the “Future” list.

The “Future” list is for everything that’s a great idea, but isn’t part of the current project. It’s where all the crazy ideas and nice-to-have things end up. They stay there until you’ve shipped the original project and then produced and estimated and been paid for the new items you’re going to work on.

Even if there is something that sounds like an amazing idea, it doesn’t go in to the current project if it can be helped at all. The more items you move from “Future” into the current project the less likely it is that your project will ever see the light of day.

Your job is to ship a successful project for your client which means you need to help reign them in so that the project is indeed successful. It’s your fault if they run wild with extra items and the project never launches.

photo credit: clement127 cc

What Good Project Management Tools Look Like

Now that we know what the highlights of running a good project are, we need to look at what you should be looking for in a project management tool. As much as I love and use analogue productivity, I don’t use an analogue system when it comes to managing my projects.

The biggest weakness of analogue systems is that they offer no way to collaborate with your clients. You need to share screenshots, videos, links, and comments all around the tasks that need to get done for the project. We know email is a terrible way to do this, and that an analogue system like a notebook doesn’t allow for any sharing.

So we turn to software.

Easy to Use

The first stopping point is that you and your clients need to find the system easy to use. For some, that may mean that basic Github tickets can work, for others Github is going to be way to complex.

Since you’re going to be in the PM system regularly, it’s important to find one with a nice spread of keyboard shortcuts. Sticking with the keyboard navigation will save you little bits of time all over. That adds up over the year and turns into a large time savings.

Make sure that there are some training videos for your system as well. You’ll need to provide links to them for your clients to use so that they can wrap their head around the system. If your client finds it hard to use the PM system, they won’t use it and you’ll be getting a whole bunch of emails you don’t want to see.

Has Some Templates

Another key in a good project management system is it’s ability to provide you with project templates. You’re likely going to do similar projects and a bunch of the tasks are going to be the same.

You want a system that doesn’t force you to type every little piece in every time. If you have to type in every task for every project, you’re going to forget stuff. Even if you have your own list in a separate application, you’ll forget to move something at some point and then since it’s not written down, it might as well never have happened.

Link to Tickets

One of the crucial parts of your personal productivity (which we’ll cover in a bit) is pulling the tasks out of the tickets and into your own system. You do this so that client updates don’t derail you.

Remember, we pulled out of email into a PM system to make sure that we didn’t get distracted a whole bunch by the emails that come in and don’t relate to the project. The notification inbox of your PM system can turn into the same thing, especially if you have multiple projects running.

You may have your time set aside for Project A, but Project B keeps pinging you and that draws you into answering things for Project B while Project A languishes.

This is why I think that links to tickets is crucial. Then you can take the link and put it in OmniFocus or 2Do or … whatever and work on the single ticket out of your personal system. Then, when you’re done you can click the ticket link and update the single item. Now, close the browser and get to the next task.

Organizing this way will let you get work done as you had planned. It will allow you to focus on the tasks at hand instead of getting derailed constantly.

Wait, I just referenced OmniFocus which is a digital tool and I said I don’t use them. I realize that I’m an outlier here and you’re most likely using Todoist or 2Do or…something. I’ll talk about the specifics of what I do shortly.

Doesn’t Always Interrupt You

One of the best features that BaseCamp introduced was the idea that you can ‘snooze’ your notifications. They allow you to set hours where you won’t get any notifications of any kind. Your boss can’t even change that setting for the company. This means that you can set the no distraction hours up for the whole day even, and never get interrupted.

Which ever system you use, you need to make sure that it can be silenced. Some of that will come from how you work with it. If you use the system I described above, then it’s going to be hard for anything to distract you because you’ve pulled the tasks out for the day and are focusing on them instead of whatever happens to come up.

That also assumes that you silence your phone and tablet and Amazon Echo notifications. All the space you’re building is a waste if you allow other notifications to jump into your life.

How to Integrate Your Project Management System and Personal Productivity

I’ve already provided you a workflow for updating your tasks if you’re using a digital task management system like 2Do or Todoist, but I don’t use either. My personal system is a notebook and mostly follows Bullet Journal.

So, how do I use that system to stay focused on the tasks at hand and then update Trello, which is my PM system of choice.

It Starts with Planning

For about a year before I went with an analogue system I did use the methods above with OmniFocus. I would pull out the ticket link and put in the detail required in OmniFocus so that I could work on a task.

The problem was, I didn’t always get the right information. Somewhere in the back of my head I relied on the link to the ticket for the information I needed. I kept finding that I hadn’t thought through what the task would take before I committed to doing it. That left me with bigger tasks than expected and a day that felt like it was always off the rails.

I still take a task out of Trello and put it in my notebook, but I have to write down a quick sketch of the task, and any conversation that happened around it so that I’m sure I know where it’s at. If there are screenshots that may go with it, I pull them out of Trello and drop them in a folder in my Downloads folder. I label that folder the same as the task I’m working on so that I know they go together. That title matches the Trello card.

Then, I get down to work and when I’m done and need to update the task I open the Trello macOS application and search for the card to update it.

This does take a bit of discipline because I have to ignore the little red bell that Trello shows me when there are updates, but I don’t find that to be a problem. The advantages that have come from pulling out the task, and making sure I understand it the night before I’m going to work on it far outweigh the small friction that results from not being able to click a link directly to the ticket.

For the most up to date reading on Managing Projects for a Freelance Business, see my reading list.

photo credit: clement127 cc

Personal Productivity in Your Freelance Business

Another component to having an awesome freelance business is getting down to the nitty gritty of getting work done. You can have the best PM system, the best CRM workflow and the best marketing, but if you’re not shipping projects to clients your business will suck.

You won’t be getting any referrals because you’re late all the time.

This is where personal productivity comes in. You need to have a good system, and the discipline to use it so that you can get work done for clients on time and on budget.

The first question that most people ask is some variation of “Should I use Getting Thinks Done or…”. They’re worried about the specific system and tools that they should be using.

Tools almost don’t matter, what matters is you and the process. Does the process fit how you work? Are you going to do it? Most of the systems around provide you with everything you need, if you do the work.

Let’s start by looking at some key concepts in personal productivity so that you can start this journey from the right frame of mind.

I’ll be writing much more about personal productivity coming in February, like 50k words more.

Key Concepts in Personal Productivity for Freelancers

Before you can dive into your personal productivity system there are a few things you need to get straight first. I’ll be covering these key items in short here, as I’ll be covering them in great depth in February.

If you don’t have a handle on these things, then it doesn’t matter what system you use. It will always suck and you’ll never get good work done.

First, you need to embrace constraints. I’ve already talked about how using a paper based system has forced me to better understand the tasks I need to do. The constraint of paper has also stopped me from making a bunch of commitments for ‘future Curtis’ that I can’t meet right now.

Second, you need to be solving a problem if you’re going to change. Most times the issue with a productivity system is you. You change from Todoist to 2Do and feel relief because you have made a bunch of commitments in the form of lists in Todoist. When you change you feel free to abandon those commitments which you never should have made in the first place. The problem is you and the next task manager you use will feel the same way in a bit.

Third, nothing is going to solve every problem. There are things that I don’t love about my paper solution but it has so many benefits that I just deal with the things that it doesn’t do well. The freedom it gives me far outweighs any drawbacks. Give up on finding the perfect system.

Fourth, you have to be willing to make decisions. All those crappy lists you hate, just delete them. Stop pushing it off on the future. Admit you’re not going to do it and leave it there.

Fifth, you need to work based on priority. Ask yourself every day “What is the single thing I can do today that will make the rest of my job easier or irrelevant?”. Then do that thing and be okay with sucking at other things.

Sixth, plan to the now. Just because you started an internal project 6-months ago doesn’t mean it’s the thing to do now. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. When you look at your goals every quarter, just do the ones that provide the most value now.

Seventh, write it down or it didn’t happen. If you’re not tracking your tasks then it didn’t happen. You won’t remember it and that can be a good thing because so often we write down crap that sits on our back and stops us from getting something awesome done.

Eight, manage based on energy. Not all of your day is equal. Sometimes you have the energy for hard tasks and sometimes you don’t. Make sure you schedule your ‘hard’ work in to the times that you have lots of energy. Brent Hammond and I had a great discussion about tasks and energy. I’ve also written more about managing your tasks based on energy in a bigger series on deep work.

Ninth, make sure that your environment is set up for focus. If you have a bunch of crap distracting you all the time then you won’t be doing awesome work. Set your phone and tablet up for the tasks they’re meant for. Set your laptop up for no distractions. Make sure your work environment is clean and clear.

Now, if you’ve got a handle on these things, you’re ready to start digging into personal productivity. If you don’t have those things dealt with, then no system is going to work for you.

You have too much crap in the way of getting good creative work done.

Which Personal Productivity System is Right for You?

While you may be looking for a specific tool recommendation, you won’t find that here. In February, I’ll walk you through what I do, but even that may not work for you. Most of the time, looking for a new tool is a waste of your time.

For most people, the problem with your current system isn’t the tools it’s you. You don’t do your weekly planning or your daily planning or review all your projects. You maybe make a task list for the day, but maybe not. You might default to email and what it thinks is important for you.

Then you wonder why you feel overwhelmed all the time, but you shouldn’t. You do it to yourself and the next tool you choose will have the same issues.

As you think about your personal productivity here are a few more rules to think about.

photo credit: curtismchale cc

As Few Pieces as Possible

A great system has as few pieces as possible to be productive. My system has a pocket notebook for on the go notes. A Bullet Journal from Leuchtturm1917 for my planning and task management day to day and finally Trello for my project collaboration.

There is nothing else that deals with any of the tasks I have day today.

I don’t have a CRM tool that’s stand alone anymore because it was an inbox I never checked and thus wasn’t getting any value out of. I moved my CRM into my notebook along side all the other tasks that I need to get done in a day.

One item I didn’t mention here is my other notebook, the one that only handles my notes on books. This is outside of my Bullet Journal because it’s got it’s own function. The only thing that goes there are notes on books and ideas for writing that are sparked by the reading I’m doing.

I like analogue systems because it entirely breaks me out of the possibility of anyone dictating what’s important in my day. Yes it makes more work because I have to take detailed notes on what needs to get done so that I don’t have to dive back into Trello or email, but planning is key to having a day that accomplishes something worthwhile.

Adapt it

Your system must also suit how you work. You can’t import my system and figure it’s going to rock your world. Maybe it will but not in a good way. Look at the ideas that come from other people and use what works for you. Throw out the rest.

I don’t use the Bullet Journal system by the letter. I don’t use GTD either, or Kanban or stuff from the 12 Week Year. I use a mash up of all those systems that works for me.

As you journey through building out your own personal productivity system, make sure you refer to the key principles in the last section. Make sure that you write down the problems you have and as you go looking at what others are doing, you import what looks like it might fix your problems and toss the rest.

Keep piloting change in your system. Your personal productivity system is not stagnant. Your work will change. You will change. Your system should change with you.

Review and Planning is Key

Out of all the systems out there, I think that the one common required piece is a review process. A good weekly review of everything you have on your plate is crucial to success. A plan for the week ahead and a daily review and replan in a key element in getting things done.

You can’t wing it and hope to have a bunch of great output. Winging it will mean that you continue to be stuck in the weeds trying to find your way out as you drown in your work.

You Must Create Space In Your Day to be Productive

If you want to get things done, you need space in your day. With a day that’s planned down to the minute with must do tasks, you’re never going to feel like you’re getting enough done.

One of those tasks will go longer and then all the other commitments you just made to yourself will stack up until you’re working late again and still not getting everything done.

The maximum percentage of your day that should have must do items is 60%. Anymore than that and you’re planning yourself into problems.

One of the key reasons that this happens to people is because they allow distractions to creep into their day. All your planning should surround the need to get focused amazing work done. With four hours of focus, you can get more done than most people can in eight hours.

You have to cut all the distractions to get that focus though and to do that you need to be familiar with the two modes of work.

photo credit: clement127 cc

You’re a Maker and a Manager

You’re both a Maker and a Manager. Makers need large blocks of time to do focused work. That’s writing, design, thinking, coding, or anything creative.

If you’re running a business, you’re a Maker and you need to make sure you have time aside to focus on the tasks that are important.

But, you’re also a Manager. You probably have to have sales calls and meetings with clients. You need to answer and respond to email and maybe even jump on social media to update some profiles and such.

The problem comes because most people go Manager first and Maker second. This is a problem because Manager tasks easily overflow into Maker tasks. Email always takes longer than you think, and it always brings up random crap that others think is important.

Instead, go for Mullet Productivity, Maker in the morning and Manager in the afternoon. When you plan your day, make sure you have the details needed so you don’t have to dip into the manager spaces in your work. Give yourself at least three hours of focused time to do your Maker work.

Then be open to Manager work in the afternoons when your brain is tired and has less energy to dive deep into big thinking tasks. I do this and I plan in a 2 – 3 hour break in between my two modes of work so that I can recharge my brain and have the energy required to dive into more work later.

You can’t be on for eight hours thinking hard about your work. You progressively make worse decisions and you can’t afford that. Give yourself a planned break in the day and when you’re working only work. Ignore distractions and focus on the most important tasks at hand.

Plan Space

Outside of planning your tasks out for the day, there are other items that need to get in your week. First, you need unplanned time every day to deal with the extra stuff that gets tossed your way. Second, you need rest so that you can focus. Finally, you need at least three hours a week dedicated to self-improvement.

No day is ideal. In fact while you may have an idea day plan, it will almost never happen. Kids will get sick. A client will have a legitimate emergency that you need to deal with. Your computer will crash and you’ll have to figure out why. If you pack your day hour by hour with tasks, you have no flex to deal with these things. Make sure you have a working hour every day that has nothing officially planned for it. Leave it for overflow so you can deal with what life throws at you.

Second, you need rest every day so that you can focus. Your schedule may not suit three hour chunks of rest between working blocks like mine does, but it certainly can support a 20 minute walk. If it doesn’t, your business is broken. Admit it and start the hard work to restructure it so you can have that walk every day.

Finally, a solid business means you have three hours every week to improve yourself. If you’re a developer, that’s not just looking at new code, that’s learning to run an amazing business. Same goes for designers or writers. You must be reading and learning about marketing your business, planning better, how to write better proposals. If you don’t have time every week to do that, then you’re on a long slow death spiral. You won’t be getting ahead like dream without the hard work required to be better in the fields that aren’t directly your work.

If you can build in this space, and stick to the processes required to have awesome personal productivity, you can get the work done you need to without needing 12 hours a day.

photo credit: ummwho cc

Are You Going to Build a Viable Freelance Business?

Now ask yourself, who are you?

Are you someone that just wants to focus on the craft of code?

Do you want to write, and hate marketing?

Who are you going to partner with to do the stuff you don’t like? Who is perfectly suited to filling in your gaps?

Back at the beginning of this, I said that you needed to figure out who you are. Are you willing to do the work needed to build a business? Are you going to admit you’re in sales and must address marketing in your week?

Are you only interested in writing code day in day out and want to deal with clients as little as possible?

One other option we didn’t go into if you just want to do your craft, is that you can find a partner. Someone that loves the sales and that you trust to take care of the things you don’t like.

If you’re not sure who you can tap on the shoulder, then start looking for them. Look with intention. Find someone that loves the parts you hate.

If even that step sounds like work you don’t want to do, get ready to fail. If you hate the marketing and selling of your business, then no one will be doing it for you.

If you struggle with client relationships and getting projects done on time, then you’ll have a dry well of referrals. Why would anyone refer work to you if you’re over budget and late all the time?

If you want to run a successful business, you’re in sales. You must get into the marketing tasks. You must plan time every week to get better at the tasks that aren’t directly a part of the work you sell.

You must have a plan each week to be focused on doing awesome work and you must stick to it. You must say no to the distractions that are around so that you can get awesome work done.

If you’re not going to do these things, go find a job and stick to what you love. There is no shame in that. It’s the right choice for some people. It might be the right choice for you, if you’re not willing to do the hard work it takes to run that business you dream of.

Have an awesome day!

Curtis

PS: If you’re looking to start filling in some of your holes, you should join my 8 Week Business BootCamp. It will help you set goals and build the processes you need to have a kick ass freelance business.

first photo credit: elstruthio cc

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