#i know some people are uncomf with it

[schnoodleus]

inspo:

Mr.Kitty - Neglect

[autolenaphilia]

I’ve talked in a post years before about how male/female socialization is a myth, especially if you argue transfems are “male socialized.” But I’ve read and learned since then, so let’s have another go at it.

Of course what I must recognize is that claims that transfems are male socialized are not good faith arguments, it’s a transmisogynistic canard wielded as a cudgel against transfems. What it is is an accusation that transfems are lacking in the feminine virtues, it’s the old accusation that queer women are too mannish to be proper women. Most often “male socialization” is a claim that we are not demure and submissive enough. It’s a club that taken out whenever we dare disagree with our betters, tme people, or dare assert ourselves in any way. It’s then said that we are ���talking over people”, “taking up too much space” or even have “male energy.” This is ubiquitous even in supposedly transfem-inclusive spaces. Even cis women are often falsely perceived as talking too much, due to misogynistic biases, and transmisogynistic biases make this effect even worse for transfems.

But let’s humor the argument for awhile, because I’ve seen transfems internalize the transmisogyny of “male socialization.” And socialization is a real sociological concept, which can be use to lend respectability to the claim that transfems are male socialized.

However actually looking at how socialization is defined reveals the problem with the “male socialization” myth.

Socialization as concept is not simply something that is done to the individual, but actually refers to how the individual internalizes the norms and ideology of the society in which they are raised, “the process beginning during childhood by which individuals acquire the values, habits, and attitudes of a society” as merriam-webster helpfully describes it.

This means the individual’s response to society’s norms defines socialization. It’s not just how people treat you, how you are raised, it’s how you react to how they treat you. And this is equally true if we are to speak of gendered socialization, where a person’s internal gender identity and preferred gender expression, not just their assigned sex by their environnment, defines that person’s gendered socialization.

And it’s obvious that any attempt to “male socialize” transfems failed. If “male socialization” has any meaning it must include that it results in the male individual adopting a male identity. And for transfems, the results speak for themselves. A transfem saying “I was not male socialized, because I’m a woman and not a man” is in itself a valid argument.

The fact that transfems prior to transition can for a long time believe themselves to be male doesn’t mean they were “male socialized” either. Because again, the individual’s own response, both in thought and behaviour to how others treat and teach them is part of socialization. It’s not just the end result that is different from cis men, it’s how we get there too. That’s why some transfems speak of “transfem socialization” because even when we are treated like boys, we have different responses to that than boys and men do, and that is it’s own form of socialization.

The thing is, transfems tend to experience their assigned sex and the masculinity socially expected by them long before their trans realization, as deeply unpleasant. It’s gender dysphoria, but we are not given the words to articulate those feelings. We don’t know that gender dysphoria exists, that transition are an option, or even that trans people exist, except possibly as deluded and perverted men in dresses. So these feelings are instead repressed. This results in dissociation from emotions that are distressing and difficult to understand.

It can often be difficult for us to act according to the norms of masculinity and we are often abused by parents, schools and other children for our femininity.

Now of course there are many boys and men, who are effeminate and gender non-conforming, and are often uncomfortable with the masculinity they are expected to perform. But that just further proves the point that to speak of a monolithic “male socialization” is wrong, because even boys and men vary widely in their responses.

And a central problem with neatly divided male/female socialization, is that while expectations are different depending on assigned sex, we aren’t given separate messages about gender. Basically all children in the same culture are taught the same things about masculinity and femininity, and the misogyny that comes with it. Children who are supposed to be boys are taught what girls are like, and supposed girls are taught what boys are like (and the message is, broadly speaking, girls are inferior to boys).

Trans girls can therefore often internalize the message about femininity, what girls are like, and apply it to themselves, even long before we view ourselves as women. Long before we realize we are trans, that transition is an option, we often feel a painful longing for womanhood, and femininity, tinged with unrecognized dysphoria. The unrealistic beauty standards imposed on women can be especially devastating for trans girls who have internalized transmisogyny. We hold our own bodies to standards that are cisnormative and which are so unrealistic that even cis women can rarely reach them, and it’s used as a tool of repression and self-harm, to tell ourselves why we never could be women. Eating disorders are common among trans women even before transition.

This description of pre-transition transfem lives probably seems surprising to people who never listened to transfems describe their own lives, and this includes other kinds of queer people.

The double standard of how transfems pre-transition lives are described and how basically every other queer group’s closeted lives are described is stark. Like it’s now widely recognized that cis gay people who were closeted and didn’t believe themselves to be gay were suffering in that closet from the self-denial that belief involved. Claims that cis gay people were “heterosexually socialized” and that they enjoyed heterosexual privilege by self-denying in the closet are never made because they are obviously absurd and offensive. But not so for trans women’s own experience of repression and the closet. This is of course rooted in transmisogyny. As Julia Serano pointed out, “AMAB trans people are denied the closet”

[dinoswife]

౨ৎ Meant to be yours - Eric Sohn

Your best friend Eric picks you up in the pouring rain after a bad date night. This night turns into the night your best friend will stop being your friend forever..

- Pairings: nonidol!eric x fem!reader

- Genre: fluff, friends to lovers

- Warnings: kissing, crying

Author’s Note: I wrote this at 5am so lmk if something is wrong grammatically. Also I’m having such a huge Eric phase it’s concerning…

You don’t know why you keep coming to these dates anymore. Planning blind dates with random people won’t get you anywhere. As much as you thought things wouldn’t get worse after your date insulted you by implying that the dress that you’re wearing doesn’t compliment your body, he also dumped you in the pouring rain afterwards.

You didn’t think this guy would be such a jerk to not even give you a ride home after you said your car is on service but oh well you were wrong about him.

The rain was getting worse and worse, it was pouring so hard that the dress you were wearing was now stuck on you like skin. Your hair completely wet and your makeup ruined, mascara was running down your cheeks and it looked like you’ve been crying. Not that crying isn’t the only thing you’re able to do right now.

You pulled your phone out of your purse to get into your contacts. Leaving home for university was fun but now you didn’t have many choices on who to call in a situation like this.

Your mind could think of only one person to which you were close to. Your best friend Eric, you and him were best friends since high school. Him getting into the same university as you was just cherry on top. You were really happy when you found out your best friend and you would be in the same university but things were not going exactly how you wanted them to go.

Six months into university Eric got into a relationship. His girlfriend was really pretty very smart too. You were feeling a little jealous. But you figured that you weren’t jealous of her relationship with Eric just that she gets to spend time with him and you don’t anymore. Or that’s what you wanted to think at least.

You didn’t want to say anything to your best friend about the way his girlfriend was making you feel. So you stayed silent watching your best friend slowly drift away from you. Unfortunately, you and Eric did get distant from each other without realizing it.

One week ago you found out that Eric and his girlfriend had broken up. The sad part was that you found out through a mutual friend of yours and his. He didn’t say anything to you, which hurt you a lot. You also said nothing, you didn’t want to pressure him into talking to you.

At this moment, no one would come here in the dark night to pick you up in the rain after a bad date except for Eric. You hoped that he wouldn’t have changed that much so that he wouldn’t come at all. And also you hoped this phone call could be the reason you two get closer again.

You searched for his name in your contacts and took a breath before pressing the call button. The little rings made you anxious waiting for him to pick up. Suddenly you hear his voice on the line, you haven’t heard him in a while. “Hello?” It took you some seconds to respond to him trying to sound okay at least if not good. “Eric, um I’m sorry I know it’s almost midnight” you tried to sound as stable as possible but you were failing big time. It was very obvious you were crying it was impossible for him to not notice.

“Are you crying? Did something happen to you?” Eric’s voice sounded concerned and as much as you missed him and his voice getting him concerned about you was not on your to do list tonight.

“I am stuck outside of this restaurant downtown and it’s raining pretty heavily. Could you pick me up?” Your voice was more stable than before. Your heart was racing waiting for his response. Waiting to find out if you were going to see him tonight or not.

You noticed that it took him some seconds before he got to respond. You felt uncomfortable all of a sudden asking him such a thing after you haven’t spoken to each other for so long “Please?” You added as if you weren’t enough pathetic so far.

“Share your location, you can’t be that far. I’ll be there soon okay?” He said and you couldn’t hear any undertone from him. You couldn’t understand if he was mad or concerned or annoyed.

You shared your location as he said and waited patiently for him. Your heart was about to leave your body thinking that you’re about to see and talk to your best friend after months. You felt so nervous. You were anxious that maybe he didn’t want to be your best friend anymore, you were scared that maybe he didn’t miss you as much as you missed him.

The sound of a horn woke you up from your thoughts. You looked at the direction where the sound was coming from and met his figure running over to you. His hands held your arms tightly looking at you up and down for any sign of injury.

“Oh my god get in quickly you’re going to catch a cold” he basically yelled while holding your hand now to lead you to the passenger seat. Opening the door you saw two dry towels on the car seat. Eric took one of the towels to wrap it around your body trying to make you warm in any way he could.

He lead you to get in the car afterwards closing the door behind you and getting in the driver seat. He put his keys in and started his way over to your house.

The ride was a little silent. None of you talked and the only movement between you was when Eric opened the air conditioner to keep you warm.

When he pulled up in your porch he decided to make the first move “Can you tell me why you ended up like this? Do you have any idea how scared I got looking at you standing in the rain?” His tone was serious. He was seriously concerned about you and that made your heart flutter.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t have anyone to call I didn’t want to disturb you or get you concerned about me” you felt a little bad making him that scared. And also felt bad about how much you liked that he still cared about you. “I was on a date with someone who clearly didn’t like me.” You continued explaining to him

His brows furrowed as you said that. He was looking at you focused on everything you were saying as you explained to him how your date insulted you and then left you in the pouring rain without a way to get home

“ Why did you go out with him? I’ve told you so many times to get to know someone before trusting them on anything” he said looking a bit more mad than concerned right now.

You couldn’t bring yourself to say anything. He was right after all.

“God can’t you see what’s good and what’s not?” He looked at you again, his tone still sounded mad. This time it was like he was blaming you for everything and like he was mad at you about it. You didn’t quite like how he was blaming you for everything as you were sitting next to him after getting your feelings hurt tonight

“If you want to blame me about it you can go home now. Thanks for the ride, you can go back to not talking to me now” You tried to avoid adding this last sentence but you just had to bring it up. You opened the car door getting out and walking to your door trying to get your keys out of your purse. Eric followed the same movements as you and was standing now just behind you. “I didn’t mean to blame you. I’m sorry”

His voice more relaxed than before. His apology sounded sincere which made you stop fumbling around with your keys and turn around to face him.

“Can I come in to talk to you?” He continued with his eyes giving you an apologetic look. You couldn’t watch you and him be like this. You gave him a little nod and opened your door letting both of you inside.

Eric hasn’t been in your house for a while, the moment he got inside he started noticing all the little changes you made in the house. You told him you’ll be back in 5 minutes after you change into something dry and get a towel for your hair.

He started walking around looking at the flowers on the coffee table,knowing how tulips were your favorite he smiled a little without noticing. His eyes caught some photos you hanged on the wall. Family photos, you traveling. His eyes landed at the pictures of you and him together in high school, when you went to prom together cause you promised it to each other. Pictures of the first year in university, when he treated you to pizza and beers for the first day as university students.

His smile didn’t fade once, if not it was getting bigger and bigger. He was thinking about all those memories he made with you. He knew he missed you like crazy but seeing pictures made it ten times worse.

“What are you looking at?” You said from behind holding a towel to your hair. Eric turned around half scared half embarrassed about the fact that you caught him looking around.

You realized he was actually looking at old photos of you and him together and suddenly understood why he was acting like that.

You chose not to comment on it and try to talk to him about everything that has been going on. “I’m sorry for tonight. I made you drive all the way to that restaurant to pick me up” you said trying to break the ice and he looked up at you to respond. “Don’t worry I’d do it again if you asked me to” he said comforting you with a soft smile also. You gave him a little smile back not knowing what to say but before the silence became uncomfortable Eric spoke up again “I wanted to say that, I miss you. I know we’ve been distant and I know it’s because I got into a relationship and I’m really sorry for pushing you away. If i had realized what I was doing at the time I really wouldn’t have pushed you away from me.”

He said looking into your eyes as a sign of sincerity. You couldn’t be mad at him ever. He meant it. You missed him too so much. Talking to him and seeing him tonight was so overwhelming for you. You needed Eric next to you at all times.

“I’m sorry I let it happen as well. I really missed you too you have no idea.” You said back to him as you tried to hold your tears back.

Eric moved closer to you still looking at you in the eye going in for a hug as you let him enter your personal space and hold you tightly after so many months.

Feeling his hands around your waist made your heart face again. You tried to ignore how your heart always does that when you’re with Eric ever since high school.

You chose to avoid those feelings you had for him. You couldn’t tell him how you only went to those blind dates to find someone better than him but failed miserably.

Eric snapped you out of your thoughts suddenly talking in the hug “I need to tell you something if we are going to just solve everything right?” He said and this made your heart race even faster.

Your heart was hoping he would actually feel something for you back while your mind was telling you to push those stupid feelings away.

“You can tell me everything” you said pulling out of the hug to make eye contact with him. While you were expecting him to have a smile on his face as you did his expression was much more serious than yours

It looked like it was taking him some courage to speak to you about what he wanted to say. But you gave him the time he needed.

Finally he was ready to talk to you as you could read his thoughts through his eyes.

His eyes were looking straight at yours as he took a deep breath before he said anything and held your hands on his

“ I like you. I know we’ve been best friends since high school and this is not the kind of relationship we have with each other. I tried avoiding those feelings really that’s why my last relationship happened. And that’s also why I ended it. I know this might ruin everything but I wanted to tell you.”

Did he really say this right now? Like you’re not dreaming right? Could he read your thoughts just seconds ago?

Eric was scanning your eyes for any sign of discomfort trying to see if he crossed the line.

You were in pure shock not knowing what to say. Thankfully you woke up pretty quickly to realize he’s waiting for you to talk. “What? You mean that? Like you really mean that? You don’t like me in a friendly way right?” You sounded a little stupid at the moment which Eric found adorable causing him to giggle.

“ I mean it, I like you in a ‘I want to be with you’ way I promise” he joked this time seeing how flustered happy and shocked you got all at once. His smile never leaving his face now and you noticed how even his eyes were smiling

“ I really like you too, I went to all those blind dates to try and find someone better than you but I found none. I like you” you replied in a soft tone not being able to hide your smile anymore. Your heart was beating so fast your whole body was overwhelmed with happiness and his hands never left your waist this entire time.

His eyes never left yours and he was looking at you so softly. His eyes could say a hundred things to you that no one could even describe in words.

“Can I kiss you now?” He said with a spark of excitement which made you laugh a little looking at how cute he was. You gave him a little nod together with a smile as he moved his hand from your waist up to your cheek to cup your face softly and lean forward into you. Both of your eyes closed naturally leaving your lips as the only way of communication with each other.

When his lips met yours it felt like fireworks were flying around in your stomach. Your heart probably exploded and you couldn’t help but smile into the kiss making Eric break a smile as well. You don’t know for how long you’ve been waiting for this moment to come not even knowing if it was ever coming to reality. You couldn’t be more happy right now. You won your best friend back and also gained a lover along the way.

What you and Eric had was rare. It felt so right to be together. He understood you and your needs completely and you understood his. After all you started thinking that maybe you were meant to be his.

[2knightt]

↳my rhymes, my pen, my pad.₊˚✧

──IN WHICH, miles falls head over heels inlove!。✦

||✰ — 1610!miles morales x gn!reader.

you weren’t new to this school, you’ve been going for so long now. it got boring, nothing interesting ever happens there.

same preppy people walk in and out, always on time, always talking about the same stuff.

your teacher brought out a projector and put on some video.

you weren’t the slightest bit interested. you were drawing on the sides of your work sheet, drawing nonsense.

you heard the classroom door swing open and some kid, with papers and books flying all over the places stumbled in.

“you’re late, morales.”

morales, that’s new. you think to yourself as he stands in front of the projector, looking scared.

you stare at him longer, trying to see if you recognize him, but you don’t.

miles was scanning the classroom while trying to figure out what to say next, when his eyes met yours.

miles was—stunned to say the least.

you were gorgeous, even if you looked a little bit intimidating.

your hair framed your face just right, your lips looked soft, everything about you was just, breathtaking.

miles realized all eyes were on him and started to open his mouth without thinking.

“Einstein said time was relevant. maybe i’m not late, maybe you’re just early.”

he said, with a shrug and an awkward smile.

you smiled, you have to admit it.

what a dork, you thought to yourself as you heard a chuckle from the other side of the room.

you could tell he was embarrassed, he looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

to which, he did.

miles looked for any sort of reaction in you, but all he got was a smile.

that smile was all he could think about as he sat next to this blond haired girl.

was it a good smile? or was it a bad smile?

were you making fun of him? did you think he was funny?

you had filled his thoughts, without even knowing.

before miles knew it, he was walking to his uncles house.

he had pulled out his phone, took a picture of his uncle, and sent it to him.

aaron laughed, opening the window as miles pushed his face against it.

his uncle welcomed him in, seating miles next to him on the couch.

“whatchu want? is it romantic troubles?”

“h-how’d you know?! what’re you, a wizard?”

aaron chuckled at his nephew, and started to push him for more questions.

“well, what’re they like? do you know ‘em? what’s their name?”

miles just stared at his uncle.

he didn’t know.

he didn’t know your name, how you act, or anything.

he only knows your smile, and that alone was enough to make him like you.

god that’s so embarrassing.

“i uh, dunno.”

“whatchu mean you don’t know?”

aaron asks, laughing immediately after.

he thought it was so funny that miles didn’t know shit about you!

“well—it was a uh, love at first sight typa thing. you get it, right? right?!”

miles started to play with his fingers, he didn’t know why he was so nervous to talk about you.

“how do i start a conversation with them?”

aaron looks down and shakes his head, like miles just asked the stupidest question ever.

“you just gotta do the ol’ shoulder touch, man.”

“what’s that?”

miles asked, tilting his head slightly to the side.

his uncle chuckles, looking down before gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

he looks up and with the most smug voice miles has ever heard says,

“hey.”

miles started to laugh, like he wasn’t allowed to laugh anywhere else.

“so like, hey.”

he said, mocking his uncle.

the two of them started laughing like there was no tomorrow.

but unfortunately for miles, there was.

he saw you in the halls, so he took the opportunity to run up to you.

“h-hey, wait!”

you heard the shouting come from behind you.

you looked behind you and you couldn’t recognize the guy off the bat but nonetheless, you listened.

he stopped right in front of you, crouching down with his hands on his knees like he had just run a marathon.

he finally stood up after what seemed like hours.

he looked at you dead in your eyes, and you have to be honest, you kinda got uncomfortable with his stare.

he looked nervous just staring at you. jeez, you weren’t that scary, were you?

he slowly placed a hand on your shoulder, and looked like he was trying to, i don’t know, look cool?

“hey.”

you giggled at his poor attempt to start a conversation with you.

you didn’t mean to, it was just—hard not to!

“hey. do i, know you or something?”

miles started to panic, he didn’t think it’d go this far!

“i-uh-yeah! we have science together! i’m miles morales.”

“oh! lovely to finally meet you morales. i’m y/n.”

you said, sticking your hand out for him to shake.

he looked at it for a second and took your hand.

y/n, what a cute name. miles thought to himself as the bell rung.

“ugh, it’s so loud for no reason.”

you complained, letting go of his hand.

“yeah, i know right.”

“well—i’ll see you ‘round, miles.”

you said, walking away while waving.

miles just nodded and waved back. he could tell he looked like a loser, he could feel his muscles all tense as he waved back.

when you were out of sight, he finally relaxed.

he finally talked to you, and he got your name!

miles has got to tell uncle aaron about this later!

thank u guys for 200 followers i might cry

[candiid-caniine]

support needs and sex

having trouble with words recently. during this, I don't post much. have autism, have talked about it here before, but only small things.

but lots of frustration recently about representing. how people with low support needs have louder voices. people with cute, quirky autism get represented more because neurotypicals don't feel as uncomf. still they have their struggles but you know. middle to high support needs are uncomf. have to hide, have to be quiet. people with low support needs, also sometimes think *their* autism is *all* autism. don't want to talk about mid/high supports people, or be associated.

but, speech loss bad enough that I don't want to go into it today. stick to what is doable.

autistic people have sex. autistic people do kink. lot of positivity here about this. i've seen it. you've seen it. you've seen me also do it.

but autism in sex, not just:

cute stimming because sex feels good

sensory overload, in a good way

hard to speak because of good feelings

person getting flustered/shy/nervous

not only cute. not only shy. not only because of good feelings.

autism can be ugly, scary, difficult, bad communicating, hard to know how to support, getting in the way.

for me:

speech loss; not cute speech loss because of good feelings, speech loss because life is exhausting; exhausted, don't want to have sex

handling rejection poorly. have to use a lot of energy to keep from being a bad partner because of overreacting

sensory overload because good, but i dissociate because sensory overload

use sex to escape bad feelings, not in a healthy coping way

can't explain why i react poorly. in most circumstances. but also happens around sex

frustration because i can't think how to explain

meltdown because so frustrated

cycle repeats

have trouble understanding un-firm versions of "no" (have to work hard to communicate with partner, and i do, but hard work af)

have trouble understanding "maybe"

have trouble predicting how i "will/would" feel

thus frustration. meltdown. cycle resumes

or, know what i want; don't know how to explain

AND YET: i am not:

too dysfunctional for sex/relationship

"basically a child"/too immature

unsafe person

too fucked up for marriage

bad person for dating

someone who should avoid sex until burnout ends

...because i am adult. my partner is an adult. we talk about things. we know good expectations. i don't lie about can/can't do things. they don't lie about can/can't do things.

sex is only one slice of this. this blog is about sex, so i post it here. but these issues are big in my life. need support in school, in work; i seem so functional to a stranger, but only because support needs are met.

support needs met = big privilege. i acknowledge this. not so easy for many people, who seem less functional to others, only because support needs not met.

anyway. conclusion:

neurotypicals/non-autistics: don't expect sex + relationships with autistics to be like sexy imagine posts on tumblr. can be sometimes, but often not.

autistics, even: don't expect sex + relationships with other autistics to be like sex + relationships for you.

low support needs autistics: you guys have a problem. (maybe technically i am you guys, don't really know, so maybe *we* have a problem.) some of you don't like when autism represented as mid-high support. don't like to think you're like us. not cool. either way stop speaking like *your* autism is *all* autism. if you have energy + time + emotional resource to do so, tell off other low support needs when they act like this.

high/mid support needs: i see you. you belong. you deserve healthy, good sex if you are adult. support needs =/= being unworthy/not well enough/not functional enough for relationship. possible to have relationships that work for you, allow for the kind of support you need, from other person/medical team/support system. don't mask to get through relationship. hurts you, you should be loved for who you are.

[zukkaoru]

55 + gincott

22 + higumitch

66 + tanitachilucy

hello have some. characters running away from their trauma in the hopes that that will bring healing (it won't)

gincott + full machine by gracie abrams

i know i know better you're no guarantee but if you asked me to run away i'd go easily

“Have you ever considered leaving the Mafia?” Louisa asks, her voice quiet and hesitant. Like she isn’t sure she even wants to hear the answer.

“Leave the Mafia?” Gin asks. They frown. It’s been a passing thought. After Dazai disappeared, they wonder what it might be like to seemingly vanish off the face of the earth. But they’ve never entertained the idea as something truly plausible. The mafia is the organization they’ve sworn their life to, and they see no reason to run away. It would cause far more problems than it’s worth. “No. Why would I?”

“Well, it’s just—” Louisa stammers. There are things she wants to say; Gin can tell. But they can’t read her mind, so they simply remain silent, waiting for her to collect her thoughts. Hoping she’ll deem them worthy of sharing. “I mean, I don’t want to—to force you into anything. I know leaving the Mafia would be dangerous, obviously, so it’s not like I’m expecting it. And it’s not that I care that you’re an assassin or anything—that would be pretty hypocritical of me. But—”

She cuts herself off, looking away.

“But what?” Gin asks. They’re rather curious to see where this is going.

Louisa sighs. “I never planned on staying in Japan,” she admits. “After Francis got the Book, I intended to return home. To my parents and my sisters.”

Oh, Gin thinks numbly.

Louisa is asking, because—

She wants Gin to go with her?

“I know it would be next to impossible for—for you to… you know…” she shakes her head. “Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, because I’ll probably just stay here. My family doesn’t even know what the Guild really does or our involvement with all of the stuff that’s gone down in Yokohama recently, or how dangerous the whole being-an-ability-user thing is, so… It would be weird to go back.” She lets out a nervous laugh. “I’d never be able to be honest with them.”

Gin doesn’t know what to say.

It sounds…almost nice, in all honesty. To leave the bloodshed behind, to live in some quaint American town with Louisa. Sharing a small apartment and having her sisters over to visit on the weekends. It’s a life Gin never imagined for themself, but—

It is an impossibility, but for just a moment, Gin wants to throw caution to the wind and agree to run away. For just a moment, they believe it’s a life they could have.

-

higumitch + homesick by noah kahan ft. sam fender

two months since you got back how have you been and are you bored yet? the weather ain't been bad if you're into masochistic bullshit

It’s been two months since Margaret returned home.

She has yet to make a full recovery from her time spent in a coma, still relying on a cane to walk more than a few steps and needing many breaks when on her feet for long periods of time. She’s going to physical therapy, to relearn how to use her hands, and she’s been seeing steady improvement, but it’s slow.

She fears she may never return to the person she was before.

Her hometown is a dull place, with her family’s house sitting far back off the road, surrounded by cornfields rented out to people who are actually farmers, miles upon miles away from anything of excitement. Margaret spends most of her time inside, or seated on the swing on the back porch. The blazing sun of a Georgian summer bears down overhead, but her hat shades her from the worst of it.

Higuchi does not have such fortune. Her hair is tied up in a bun, and she’s wearing Margaret’s old clothes—a long, flowy skirt and a short-sleeved blouse. But no hat to shade herself. And she really isn’t used to this sort of weather.

Her cheeks are still pink with lingering sunburn.

“We have sunscreen,” Margaret comments. “If you won’t wear a hat or sleeves, you should at least put some of that on.”

She shifts uncomfortably. “I… I don’t want to be a bother.”

Nonsense, Margaret thinks, except her parents have gone to run errands in town and won’t be back until tonight, which means Margaret would have to get up and walk through the house to search for the sunscreen herself. In her current state it would be a bother.

She frowns, pressing her lips together.

She sincerely hates this place, this house, her own body. She wasn’t overly fond of Yokohama either, but after seeing the world, coming back home is…

It’s suffocating.

There is nowhere to go, all her friends have outgrown her, and she really is too old to still be living with her parents, but she’s incapable of living on her own at the moment. She would have Higuchi, too, but Higuchi is still struggling to learn English as Margaret struggles to relearn basic motor skills. She’s only here because the Mafia was in shambles—one of her friends a traitor presumed dead, one without his memories, and one who simply walked away from the Mafia. Higuchi was stressed to the point of self-destruction, being pulled in all directions, and so—

Margaret stepped in. As soon as flights were allowed to take off from Yokohama once more, she would be flying home to Georgia, where her family could help her through the rest of her healing process. She offered for Higuchi to join her.

She offered a chance for escape, and Higuchi took it.

Margaret can tell, though, there are days she suffers regret like a bullet ripping through her chest. She lets the sun hurt her, because she believes she deserves it.

Unable to do anything else, Margaret carefully picks up her half-empty glass of sweet tea and hands it to Higuchi. “Drink this, at least. You need to stay hydrated.”

Higuchi accepts the glass with a soft smile. Their fingers brush as it passes between their hands, and moth wings flutter in Margaret’s stomach.

“Thank you,” Higuchi whispers.

If Margaret is trapped back in her hometown, if she must die in the same house where she was born, she is grateful that she at least has Higuchi with her.

-

tanitachilucy + florida!!! by taylor swift ft. florence + the machine

i need to forget, so take me to florida i've got some regrets, i'll bury them in florida

“I’m starting to think this was a bad idea,” Tachihara admits as Tanizaki helps him into his seat. They’re at a Waffle House in a coastal Florida city, one street away from the gulf, and it’s nearly three in the morning. They’ve been travelling for nearly twenty-four hours at this point, though Lucy is the only one who has actually had to suffer through airport security and a cramped middle seat—the other two spent most of the time hidden away in Anne’s Room.

“You suggested it,” Lucy reminds him, because coming here was Tachihara’s idea to begin with. He wanted out of the mafia, and the best way to go about that was running halfway across the world, with the only person he could trust who speaks English. She couldn’t really turn him down, though. The mafia is dangerous for someone who can’t see, even if said someone has a metal manipulation ability that allows him a sort of sixth sense to aid in navigating the world without sight.

And Tanizaki…

Well, he was never going to be a good fit for the mafia. Forced there against his will because of some deal the Mafia Boss made with Fukuzawa, which he insisted be upheld even in the wake of Fukuzawa’s death. Without Naomi, Tanizaki really had nothing tethering him to the Agency.

But without Naomi, he really had nothing tethering him to Yokohama at all.

“It’ll be fine,” Tanizaki assures him. “Between Anne’s Room and Light Snow, no one will be able to track us down.”

“Yeah, but we can’t fuckin’ talk to anyone here either!”

Lucy flicks his ear. “You’ll learn. It gets way easier when you’re constantly surrounded by people speaking the language. Trust me, I know.”

Tachihara sighs.

“Even if this was a mistake, it’s too late to turn back now,” Tanizaki points out. “We can’t return to Yokohama as traitors to the Mafia. They’ll shoot us on the spot.”

“He’s right,” Lucy agrees. “And I’m not about to watch the two of you die. We have to just keep moving forward.”

[fictionkinfessions]

everytime i get mischaracterized, i get a bit upset. i cant go one day without seeing some people reduce me to just "gay" or "fruity" or some corny shit, or hell some people dont even like me just because of how i act.??? girlhh i kid you not, you do NOT know how hard it is being someone who hides their self esteem issues, self hatred, perfectionism and abandonment issues by masking it with a slightly prideful and high-ego persona.. yes im probably self-eccentric and i care for myself a lot (if thats how you word it correctly..?) but ATLEAST i still care for others, hell even more than how much i care for myself! im trying my hardest to atleast do something useful, not to be just "selfish narcissistic person who only cares about themself", im TRYING my hardest to be a decent person. i wish everyone could see that too, if only people in tthe fandom realized what i was actually going through and how i actually am (how ironic considering i dont want people knowing about my problems and stuff. yeah haha)

anyways im hoping to see a 30 minute long lore analysis video on myself soon, thank you for coming to my ted talk folks

-- G. fictkin (not tagging where im from because im uncomf with it plus i dont really associate with the community) (used to be #📸🦋)

2

[shshshshshowrunner]

UPDATED What I know about the Cult and other adjacent things

Organization 13- An organization made up of Nobodies, who are people without hearts. You can lose your heart by being stabbed in there with a keyblade or by being jumped by heartless. Nobodies are allegedly unable to feel, but this is apparently only when you first get turned. After a while you have 'echoes' and 'memories' of feelings. This may be bullshit though. Hearts Can and Do come back, I heard it happen over the phone. It's still unclear to me if there are any Nobodies outside of Org 13 no one has told me. I do know what the X in the names does, now. It's a tracking device of sorts.

Org 13 (1) tried to open kingdom hearts, I think, but failed. Org 13 (real) did open it.

Opinion: that's a cult. that's a xehanort cult which is worse than a normal cult because Xehanort is there. everyone get out of the xehanort cult. please. you're gonna get norted and that just sounds weird and is weird. if you're in it to get your heart back straight up just make a friend and care for them it will come back on it's own bestie please get out of the nort cult he's gross and the vibes are off, if you are somehow still in the nort cult with him dead literally dm me or send an ask and i will help you

Xehanort- He wanted to open Kingdom Hearts to become god or something. Still unclear to me if he was a Nobody. He norted an amount of people for reasons still unclear to me. As I said previously, "Sucks complete ass, murdered his ex husband who he later ascended to gay heaven with. traumatizes children. ugly on purpose." I beat the shit out of him in the elevator during BFD, I broke his old man bones. I think I saw a clip of him actually murdering Sora's friend. Good thing I broke his old man bones.

Opinion: Die Die Die Die Die

Xigbar- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keeping this pretty vague honestly because I've learned even more secret info and i don't know which info is secret and which is normal anymore. So. Xigbar!!!!!!!!! Copying some from my old summary: Gravity powers :) can teleport :) has arrowguns, from what i understand he was pretty high up in the org. uses mildly outdated slang and can be summoned by voter fraud. did not like it in the castle. goes for the left side of the bed but is willing to compromise. can cook but it takes a long time. says he's not going to tell me things and then tells me them anyway. both me and percy are getting janus vibes from him but when i bring it up he says i need sleep. wants a cat, and a car. We did end up getting a 'cat'!! If this looks like less information it's because it is less information. once again i do not know what i'm allowed to say.

Opinion: Overwhelmingly Positive. that's my boyfriend. he also has, like, the benefit of my emotional statute of limitations in which everything he did before we met cannot be used against him in my brain. it bounces right off. like if i found out he, like, ran an orphan factory or whatever i'd be like 'uh yeah but it was before wbb and he's not STILL running the orphan factory so like :/' and you'd call me crazy and you'd be right but thats just how it is rn

Axel- Lea. Sora's friend. has fire powers (slay), has killed (slay) good with children? (slay if true). "went traitor". that's in quotes because going traitor from the org is a good thing. I still don't know much but that's okay. he's showed up in the record i'm going through and most of the behavior i've seen has been iconic honestly.

Opinion: Positive

Saix- Isa. Do not know much. Xigbar told me some things but like. Anyway. Likes rabbits, is somehow associated with the moon. He told Paph he was working to take down the Org from the inside. Sora's friend. According to Xigbar, when he was making the schedules for the Org, he gave everyone "like one day off a year". when i first heard about this I was like 'well that's not good' but with the knowledge that he was working to take down the org it's very very funny. so true absolutely make everyone uncomfortable and tired while you attempt to take them down that's so funny. xigbar getting overworked is an unfortunate consequence of that but it's a small price to pay for something so funny.

Opinion: Positive

Demyx- Hid in the same broom closet two days in a row even after he was caught and blackmailed the first time. is this a pattern? is demyx lazy? is he inept? may be associated with water- though that may just be ineptitude- for this extrapolation i am drawing from that toilet post. <- that is my old summary. I have learned nothing new about Demyx. uh i think i saw him in the record though and his hair was fun and i like the vibe he gave off.

Opinion: don't really have one. Neutral.

Xaldin- bad gross hair! ugly sideburns! obsessed with the beast for some reason, got his shit wrecked by Belle. Xigbar's least favorite member, no hesitation. loops his earrings through his gauges, which i gather is douchebag behavior. British man jumpscare! sounds older than he is. had a breakup and did not handle it well. removed his heart over it which i think is a bit extreme. i looked up an image of him and he's like. dude WHAT are you DOING with your hair? OH and he got ganked by mickey mouse which is so funny to me. <- that is my old summary. I have learned nothing new about him except that his name was/is Dilan and something something unethical science.

Opinion: here's the thing. I would say negative but due to recent experiences my opinion of every org member I do not know has defaulted to Neutral. So Neutral with a side of :/

Ansem (crackpipe)- There are two Ansems. This one was in Org 13, but is a Heartless instead of a nobody. He's special that way ig. he's one of the 50 xehanorts they had running around i'm pretty sure. Apparently, while this hasn't been reexplained, with my growing knowledge i'm gonna say: Xehanort got turned into a Nobody somehow. His Nobody was Xemnas, and his Heartless was Ansem. However I have NO DAMN IDEA WHY his name is "Ansem" and not "Xehanort".

Opinion: ...Negative? He's Xehanort apparently. I saw in the record he manipulated Riku which is a dick move.

Xemnas- I remember nothing about this guy fr. Had to check my old summary. Okay. He's the Nobody of Xehanort, the other half of Ansem if you will. But. why. hold on why is his org name- ARGH! I'm ignoring the naming thing right now fuck that noise. According to my old summary (i don't remember being told any of this): He stabbed Xigbar (rude), he talks in circles both to confuse people and because he 'doesn't know what he's talking about'. "went through sudden puberty when he got nobodied so his voice is way deeper. i think he's faking it though. for clout. dances like a sonic character. Has eyeshadow brushes that can be used as chopsticks." Fascinating, truly.

Opinion: Negative. Being Xehanort and Stabbing Xigbar will do that to you.

Xion- was supposed to be Sora? Is a replica, which is like a clone (?). Some guy named Vexen is responsible for this i guess. is doing okay now! Implied that Xigbar views her positively, and that she was inseparable from Roxas. A "Good Kid" who "kicked [Xigbar's] ass" -his words <- my old summary. Haven't learned anything new. She has a tumblr.

Opinion: Positive

Roxas- So when Sora turned into a heartless, Roxas happened even though Sora turned back to normal a few minutes later. To my understanding he was trapped in a simulation for quite a while. I don't know much, I'm afraid. Namine had something to do with this whole thing in some capacity. Left the org for reasons.

Opinion: Positive

Vexen- He's responsible for the replica program or at least was in charge of it? From what I understand from the record he was/is some kind of figure to Zexion who is Ienzo so that's something ig. I forget who with but there was another. Do not know much of anything at all about him. is this is guy that Lea thanos snapped?

Opinion: Neutral

Marluxia- this is the one who helped mother gothel kidnap rapunzel?? hello??? rude?? Don't know much about him. He was in the record i saw but it slipped through my brain like water. try being more interesting ig. pink hair though, that's pretty slay. from what i saw he has flower powers? slay.

Opinion: Neutral. I want to dislike him i really do but apparently he chilled out after getting his heart back. truly i am not allowed to be mad at anyone.

uhhhh the girl. with the hair. hold on it's coming to me. Larxene- honestly slay. definitely mean and tried to take over the org (which honestly might have been a good idea given that as far as i'm aware she didn't know about the real reason they were trying to KH and just wanted the heart back??? idk). Only woman in the original org??? I'd be a bitch too!! literally imagine what that was like for a second. she has lightning powers (slay). her hair looks like a pikachu which is less slay but im not about to hold that against her not everyone's hair can be xigbar levels of visually interesting and cool. speaking of xigbar this is one of the people he never ever mentioned to me. xigbar sexist confirmed???? /silly

Opinion: Neutral, but Slay

uhhhhh oh right

Zexion- Ienzo. He was a kid who was adopted (?) by... one of them, but that guy was slacking so he was/is (idk) mainly attached to Vexen and the one I can't remember. I fr don't know what was going on in the record i saw but he could, like, smell Riku. sniffing around like a bloodhound. i'm so confused. come to think of it riku was sniffing around, too. what was up with that why are the teenagers sneef snorfin in that record. no gd idea but honestly i'm intimidated. Xigbar has a positive opinion of this person, who is apparently also friends (?) with Sora

Opinion: Positive. I've heard good things even if he apparently has twitchtip's sense of smell. if you don't know what that means go read the Underland Chronicles series immediately it's so good.

uhhhhmmmmmmm.....

okay bonus category

Other Ansem- Ansem Trigger Warning...... trigger warning for racism. I heard he did blackface but i thought it was gonna be an isolated incident but NO he really woke up and chose to do that every day and IN FRONT OF CRACKPIPE ANSEM NO LESS. HELLO???? I'm almost tempted to give Crackpipe, like, pity opinion points to make up for putting up with that. What the actual fuck?? Not only that but he trapped Roxas in a simulation for whatever reason. I am officially designating Trigger Warning as "Other Ansem" because maybe i just don't know enough about the other one but I Hate This One More. Ansem 'The Wise' bullshit. why isn't he wise enough to know not to do racism. and this one also manipulated Riku and from what i can gather ALSO Sora?? additionally while the other Ansem IS xehanort, this one is PRETENDING to be xehanort which is actually more cringe.

Opinion: if he goes missing it was self defense

anyone still not here is because they haven't showed up in the record and xigbar and i haven't talked about them. at least for a long while. things are getting fuzzy we talk about new things now. okay send post

[hyenaswine]

article: white house staff are banned from using the c-word

me: well. i mean... yeah. i mean... i agree? like, i know it's not considered that vulgar in some other countries, like in australia they just sling it at anybody, but i don't think it's really an appropriate thing to say at work, it has the potential to make some people deeply uncomf- OH wait they mean ceasefire

[officialfoxsquadron]

Home Stories: Chapter 6

In which Luke Skywalker reunites with old friends on a new home base, delivers a speech, and digs up dark secrets.

Read on AO3!

Full text under the cut:

“I still hate this shade of orange,” Luke called, stepping out of the Millennium Falcon’s bathroom in his flight suit.

“It’s great!” Leia said.

“It’s hideous,” Han said. Their voices clashed over each other, and Han and Leia exchanged annoyed glances.

At least some things don’t change, Luke thought to himself, smiling.

He was three days back in the larger fold of the Alliance as a whole, and today was the day the new recruits arrived.

He barely felt more than a new recruit himself, but apparently blowing up the Death Star came with a few unforeseen benefits, including a squadron, mostly full of greenhorn pilots, all who joined after seeing the explosion.

“They don’t know who I am, right?” Luke asked. “The recruits? They don’t know that I-”

“We don’t tell them,” Leia said, shrugging. “But you’ve seen how fast word travels around here. I hear there’s already a betting pool on whether…I can’t even say it.”

“Oh, the bet on you and Han?” Luke said.

“Ah,” Han said, all smirk and swagger as he approached Leia. “Got any insight on that, princess? I could stand to make some money here.”

“You flatter yourself,” Leia scoffed.

“I’m pretty sure it’s just a money-extortion scheme,” Luke said. (And he was pretty sure he knew who was behind it.)

“Still, it’s a nice thought.”

“It’s a revolting thought,” Leia insisted. “You look good, Luke.”

“Commander Skywalker.” Han said the words with a drawl.  “It suits you, kid, congrats.”

“Thanks, Han.” He knew his friend was being sincere. Han had played the cynical card, but it was hard for anyone to deny his loyalty after the Death Star. There were plenty of fighters like Han–drifters, people who came and went as they pleased, who were tied to the Rebellion in only the loosest of terms. There was a surprising lack of pressure from Alliance leadership for these fighters (mostly pilots) to join in a formal role; Luke suspected that the Alliance leadership knew they wouldn’t survive very far without them.

“I’m sure you’ll do great. It’s not that hard to fly an X-Wing, anyways. Not like flying the Falcon.”

“Here we go,” Luke grumbled, as Leia rolled her eyes.

“I could bore you with the specifics, but you two should get going. I can’t be hearing classified Alliance information, remember, Your Worship?”

Leia rolled her eyes, again. “See you soon, Han.”

“Bye, sweetheart.”

“Bye, Chewie!” Luke called. He heard the Wookiee’s grumble from the bowels of the ship. He smiled.

As soon as they stepped off the stairs of the Falcon, Leia let out a large sigh, shaking her head.

“He is so infuriating.”

“The most infuriating,” Luke agreed, although he was tempted to laugh at just how angry Han made Leia.

“You know he’s thirty-two?” Leia said, scrunching her nose. “How a life form reaches the age of thirty-two while being that stupid is honestly a medical miracle.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Nervous,” Luke said. He didn’t bother to hide his fidgeting. “This is…It’s a lot, Leia.” He sighed, straightening his collar again. “A lot of responsibility.”

“It is,” Leia said, stepping towards him. “Did I ever tell you about my first day in the Senate?”

Luke shook his head, curious. 

“When I started in the Senate, it felt like everyone was looking down on me. I was sixteen, and I’m not exactly tall now, so I felt like every senator had to bend over just to shake my hand. When I went to speak for the first time-this formality on opening day-my voice shook so bad, I thought I sounded like a bird.”

“Did you?”

“Mon Mothma said I sounded fine,” Leia laughed it off. “Being an Organa, a senator’s daughter, a princess, I’ve always had these expectations on me. To be more than what I was. And a lot of responsibility,” she added. “And yet, I was adopted. I was not the biological child of my parents. So, a lot of people looked at me sideways.”

Luke laughed, recalling uncomfortable memories of having to explain why he lived with his aunt and uncle to the other children at school. “I know that feeling.”

“So you know how deep it can bury inside you, that those doubts never go away.”

Luke breathed deep, in and out, Rostah’s crisp, cool air filling his lungs. “Yeah, I don’t think they do.”

“I didn’t give you this command because you blew up the Death Star, or you met a bunch of recruits, or anything like that. I gave you this command because you came from nowhere, saw a distress call from a woman half the galaxy away, and dropped everything to help her. That’s why I think you will make a great leader, Luke. Because you help others.”

Luke smiled, swelling with pride. “Thank you, Leia.” And then, smiling, “You were probably a really good Senator, huh?”

“The best,” Leia said. She clapped him on the shoulder. “Welcome to the Alliance, Commander Skywalker.”

–

The new home base for the Alliance was tucked away in a lush green mountain range, built upon the ruins of an ancient city. Rostah, a planet with few moons and fewer neighbors, was the perfect place to hide an army. The lights of hundreds of ships and thousands of living beings could hardly be seen amongst the snow-capped peaks of mountains, veins of lightning that cut the clouds in half.

At the center of the base was a temple, formerly the central feature of Villinvaru City, Rostah’s capital. The temple was a building of crumbling white stone that housed a golden bell tower, with precarious steps, outlined in red, spiraling their way on the outside. Each day, two or three monks chanted their way up the winding steps, holding colorful prayer flags. Once they ascended, the bell rang out, a deep gong of sound. The head monk’s high and reedy chants rose and carried on the wind. This happened every day, three times a day, morning, noon, and night. 

The meeting of the Rogue Squadron took place in a white and red stone house, part of the inner city that radiated from the bell tower. The monks had just finished their noonday adoration, and they stared at Luke as he passed. With saffron yellow hoods enshrouding their gray skin, the monks looked half-dead.

“There aren’t many monks left,” Leia said, catching Luke’s gaze. “And they’re not exactly thrilled about hiding an army here.”

“But they did,” Luke said, suddenly grateful.

“They did,” Leia repeated. “There’s more hope now.”

Luke felt it, the hope, buzzing around them like flies. Practically everyone on base was smiling. Their new home, Villinvaru City, was like nothing else Luke had ever seen, awash with emerald green grass and ruddy brown soil. They made their homes and workrooms in squat white and red buildings that circled the city. They still had colorful prayer flags too; faded, having been abandoned a few years prior.

The Empire had massacred the population of Rostah under pretense of harboring Jedi fugitives. Citizens that weren’t killed were sent to labor camps.

Another Imperial graveyard, Luke thought. Briefly, his old home on Tatooine flashed in his mind. Was it still on fire, did he think, or had the burning stopped? Had the Tusken raiders scavenged it already, torn up his model ships for parts?

“You okay?” Leia tapped him on the shoulder.

“Yeah,” he said, returning to Villinvaru, returning to the meeting, the task at hand. They had already reached the door of the meeting room, a placard hastily hung on the post. “Just daydreaming, that’s all.”

“Well, snap to it, Commander, the recruits are waiting,” she said brusquely. Then, after a moment, “You’ll do great.”

“Thanks,” he said. “I speak after you?”

“Yup.” She grabbed the handle and gave it a twist, the door flying open before her.

The chatter of the room didn’t quite stop when they walked in, but it did hush. They were holding the meeting in what was once a family home, a living and dining room. The members of Rogue Squadron sat cross-legged on floor pillows, or leaned against counters smoking and drinking caf. It was an odd scene, hardly the setting one imagined for a guerilla pilot squadron meeting. 

Before he could think to greet anyone, he felt a nudge against his leg and a series of beeps.

“Hey, Artoo,” he said, smiling and kneeling to touch the droid. “How was your touch-up with Jax?”

The droid whistled and waddled back and forth, spinning his much shinier dome.

“It does look good,” Luke agreed. “Thanks for taking care of him, Jax,” he said, as the taller man approached behind the droid, sipping a mug of caf.

“No problem at all. I think there’s still caf in the pot, if you want some.”

“That’s alright,” Luke said, checking to make sure Leia had moved to speak to someone else before whispering, “They know about the betting pool.”

“Huh, that was fast,” Jax said, entirely nonplussed. “What’d they think?” “Leia’s not happy, Han thinks it’s funny.” He paused, and then asked, “Do you ever stop to think about the morality of placing bets on people’s relationships?”

“I simply give the people what they want, Skywalker,” Jax said. 

“And what they want is to be conned out of their money?”

“Exactly.” He stepped closer to Luke, and nudged his shoulder. “Hey, you tell me anything, I’m happy to give you a cut.”

“Very funny,” Luke said, rolling his eyes.

“Fine. If you don’t want the money, I’ll just give it to Artoo.”

Artoo whistled affirmatively.

“Artoo!” Luke scolded. “What do you need with-you know what, Artoo, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.”

“If I could have your attention?” Leia stood in the center of the room, her voice clear and confident. “For those new to the Alliance, I am Senator Leia Organa-” she paused briefly, “-and Princess of Alderaan. I come to personally introduce you to the Rebellion, and to the commander of Rogue Squadron, Luke Skywalker.”

Leia extended a hand to Luke. He raised his own hand in a friendly wave, dampening down how self-conscious he felt.

“As sponsor of this squadron, I want you to know that I am committed to your welfare. Should you need anything from the Alliance High Command, please feel free to speak to me. Now, Commander Skywalker? Would you like to say a few words?” From the look Leia gave him, it seemed he barely had a choice.

“Yes, um, hello,” he began. Great start, Skywalker. “Like Leia said, my name’s Luke Skywalker, and I’ll be leading this squadron.”

“So it’s true?” a voice said from the crowd. It belonged to Wes Janson, one of the newest recruits, a man with a strong jaw and close cropped black hair. Luke remembered reading about his results on the Alliance’s standard piloting exam. They were impressive.

“You are a Jedi.” The other man pointed at the lightsaber on his hip.

“Not exactly,” Luke laughed. “I mean, not yet. I hope to be one day.”

“And you blew up the Death Star?” asked another voice. Tycho Celchu, a gifted pilot from Alderaan. He still had bright red acne on his left cheek.

“Yes,” Luke said.

He searched the faces of his new squadron. The recruits ranged in age, in species, in culture, but all had the same look in their eyes. They expected something from him, and he feared the words would not come.

Then he found her eyes, and just like that night on Yavin, time seemed to halt, and the galaxy fell around them.

Lottie, whose mismatched eyes peered through him, and would tilt her head and smile, as if she knew. She sat sipping calf on a counter, feet dangling from the edge.

He recalled something she had said when they first met. 

“The Rebellion is full of orphans.”

The words came to him then, easy and sweet as flowing wine.

“Look, I am uncomfortable in front of crowds. So, I’m not going to make these big speeches a habit.”

That got a few laughs. Lottie sipped her calf, still smiling. The world returned to focus.

“But Wes, Tycho, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved, but I joined only a few months ago. So, I’m very excited to learn from you all. If you’re new, welcome.”

He gestured to the recruits. A few sat on stairs, peering through the railings.

“And if you’ve been here for a while, welcome.” He looked to Leia, who grinned.

“There are many paths to joining the Rebellion. A lot of them aren’t easy. So, wherever you come from, know that you’re welcome here. This isn’t always easy either, but it’s worth it. Thank you. Practically speaking, there are a few introductions I have to make.”

Confident now, he strode a bit, gesturing to each member of the squadron he introduced.

“You met Senator Organa, our sponsor between High Command. My second in command, Wedge Antilles, Rogue Two. For any help with astromechs or other droids, speak to Jax Fraga. Pazima Reynard leads the technicians. And our medical liason is Lottie Reynard, her sister.”

Lottie winked, smiling through her coffee. He felt a thrill in his stomach.

This is kind of fun, he thought. And then, maybe this is where I belong.

He thought of his father, the greatest pilot in the galaxy. I hope he’s proud of me.

“The only way we change the galaxy is together, so we have to care for each other. Look out for each other.”

He put his hands on his hips, looked to the more experienced in the room.

“I think that’s about it. Is there anything else?”

“There will be food and drinks tonight at our quarters, at twenty-one hundred,” Lottie called from the back of the room. “Bring yourself, bring your friends. It’s local fare, so don’t expect greatness.”

“Oh, right. Thanks, Lottie,” he said. They shared a smile, for the briefest of moments, a secret between the two of them. 

“Welcome to the Rebellion, Rogue Squadron.”

–

The Rebellion’s legacy would grow beyond any of them, but the histories would neglect to tell future generations just how good the Rebellion was at throwing parties.

Parties were, of course, illegal, but in name only; establishing by-laws for a guerilla army was easier said than done. The alcohol was plentiful, but awful, brewed by soldiers or smuggled in from some galactic backwater. Tonight, Lottie and Wedge served grilled meat from a local species of deer that Pazima hunted–earlier that day, Luke had seen her carrying the animal, slung over her broad shoulders as she hung it up to dress in their yard.

The Fox Squadron had a home on Rostah, something even Luke realized was a rarity. More than that, they had a little garden, complete with a fire pit. Lottie had practically cried when she first saw it, and even Pazima let out an uncharacteristic squeal of delight, which she promptly covered with a cough.

The members of Rogue Squadron, along with medics, technicians and droids, gathered in that back garden, spilling over the fence and into the overgrown road outside. Music played from a speaker-one of Jax’s droids-and the air smelled of barbecuing spices, alcohol, and cigarra smoke.

Luke did not go to parties often before the Rebellion, especially not ones like these, boozed-up affairs full of people his own age. Mainly because he was never invited. He enjoyed these parties, because he enjoyed the people. He found his comrades endlessly fascinating, with their stories of adventure or tragedy or dull, regular lives from the wider galaxy. It was a feast for his imagination.

He spent most of his time with the new recruits, learning more about who they were and why they joined. Mainly, he saw how some of them tensed up when he approached, and it made him uncomfortable. The Rebellion was practically a machine for tall tales–he could only imagine what the rumor mill had come up with.

He found her after everyone had left, or had fallen asleep slumped against their fence. She slept curled in a chair, arms wrapped around her knees, long hair spilling along her shoulder. Lottie seemed peaceful, at ease. He hesitated a moment. 

There was talk at the party, in the way some men liked to talk, all about who was the most attractive woman on base. He had excused himself from the conversation, partially because something about speaking about others in that way unnerved him, and partially because he really never spent much time thinking about it.

It’s not that he never noticed beautiful people. He had come to terms, at some point before Yavin, that his friendship with Biggs had been a crush too, innocent and sweet as spring. He had, of course, noticed Leia’s beauty, and for a moment, had been jealous of Han; before realizing that Han, for all of his flaws, had a profound capability for sensitivity when Leia was around.

Lottie was very beautiful, he thought, in a way that he had never thought of beauty before. On Tatooine, one was either a man or a woman. Lottie seemed to be both, or neither, or something in between. And something about that made Luke feel things that he did not understand, that felt dangerous and thrilling and horrifying and perfect all at once.

Boy, I know how to pick ‘em, Luke thought. And then, I should probably stop staring at the assassin.

He tapped her gently on the shoulder. “It’s late, Lottie,” he whispered. She jumped at his words.

“Fuck, Luke,” she said, clutching her chest and laughing. “You know, I think you’re the only person in the galaxy who can sneak up on me.”

“I’ll take it,” Luke said. He extended a hand. “It’s late, Lottie. You should get some rest.”

“Mm,” she said, shaking her head. 

“You did a good job in there,” Lottie said, raising her drink to him. “Very impressive.”

“Thanks. Leia gave a good pep talk. And…” he hesitated, unsure if he should tell her this, but pressed on, “I dunno. I feel like…” He looked at her, resisted the embarrassment- “You’re a very comforting presence to me, Lottie.”

She smiled, and suddenly she did not look like a great assassin, or a war veteran, but a pretty girl, who was very rarely paid compliments. “Thank you, Luke.” She paused, and said. “I think that’s the first time anyone has ever called me comforting.”

Both of them laughed, because it was absurd. He thought of his friends back home, Biggs-what would they say about Lottie, a girl from the very center of the galaxy.

“Eh?” Lottie offered him a cigarra from her pack, one already stuck between her teeth, an expectant grin on her face.

Luke sat baffled for a moment. Does she really think I’ll- “No,” he said, half laugh, half rebuke.

“Ugh,” Lottie rolled her eyes, shaking her head. She lit her own cigarra, exhaled, and then turned, facing him and staring straight at him, squinting. “There’s got to be something, I’ll find it.”

“What?”

“Some dark secret of yours,” she said. She searched his face, as if she really expect it to be found there.

Luke laughed, embarrassed suddenly. “I don’t have any dark secrets.” 

Lottie’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Oh, I’m sure you have plenty.”

He was used to this by now, the games she played. “And you’re the expert?”

“On dark secrets?” Inhale. “Yes.” Exhale. Her voice dropped, all serious. “When did you first realize you were different?”

“Different?”

“You’re not seriously telling me the Jedi powers came as a surprise to you?”

Luke sighed. There was something. It was a dark secret once, before the stormtroopers, before Darth Vader.

“I was dreaming. I don’t remember much of the dream, just-snippets.”

A spark of lightning. A palace on the lake. The raging fire of a city razed to the ground. A planet of lava. A creature drowning in mud. A child’s hands, soaked in blood. A dead woman fair and beautiful, with flowers in her hair. An island at the end of time.

“When I woke up, there was this huge bang. Everything in my room had been floating in the air, and it all came crashing down then.”

“What did your aunt and uncle say?”

“They told me never to speak about it.” That if he did, he would die. That there were people out there who killed people like him, and he would never be safe, never.

“Huh.” Lottie nodded. “How old were you?”

“Thirteen,” Luke said.

“Mm.” She looked away from him then, for the first time. 

“Fair’s fair,” Luke said. “When did you first realize?”

Lottie inhaled, her chest heaving. She exhaled, her eyes studying his face. Finally, she closed her eyes, looked away, and said, “When my people wanted to exile me for the scar on my face, that’s why.”

“Continue,” Luke said, intrigued.

“The night of your first menstrual bleeding, you have to have this ceremony. You have to sword-dance through the night.”

“Sword-dance, that’s…” Suddenly, so much made sense in how she fought, the fluid movements, the quick feet, the rhythm of it.

“Yes. And the whole village sings while you dance. It’s a time when…”

She looked at Luke again, suddenly hesitant.

“...When you’re very close to the gods. I suppose you would call it the Force. And…well, during mine, I got this.” She gestured to the scar again. “I won’t bore you with all the details, but for me to have this particular scar on this particular eye…” She sighed, shaking her head. “I dunno. They were still debating what exactly it meant before everything went to shit.”

“What do you think it meant?” Luke asked.

“I-” Lottie sputtered, taken aback by the question. “I have absolutely no idea,” Lottie laughed. “I still pray to them. I ask. But no answer.”

“I talk to ghosts,” Luke blurted out. “If that makes you feel less…”

“Insane?” She giggled, and Luke laughed too. “Gods, what a pair we make. After we win this blasted war, maybe we could start an asylum for the mentally ill.”

“Are you sure that’s not just Coruscanti for Jedi Temple?”

They both laughed, so hard they woke up Wes Janson who was snoring in the corner.

“Sorry,” Lottie said, still trying to compose herself.

“Sorry, Janson,” Luke said.

Janson snorted, and continued to drool peacefully.

“We probably should head to bed soon,” Lottie said absentmindedly. 

“Right.”

They both stood up. Suddenly, it felt profoundly awkward to remember he was sharing a bunk space with Lottie, too dangerously intimate.

What was the proper way to end this conversation? A handshake? A hug? A kiss-no, that wouldn’t be right-

A now familiar sound rang out; the dawn monk’s chants, a high, plaintive cry.

“I wonder who their gods are,” Lottie said, as the monks began their march, and the sun began to rise. Then, to Luke, to herself, to no one at all, “I wonder if they’re listening.” She took one last drag, stamping her cigarra out in the mud.

Both of them found their way to their bunkroom, Jax already snoring. She fell asleep quickly, but he could not, his mind racing with a million thoughts, a million questions.

Was this right? What he was doing, with Lottie, with the Rebellion, any of it? Was he on the right path?

The gong rang out, startling Lottie awake. She shifted, whimpered, pulling her covers over her head.

“Ben,” he said. He wasn’t sure he even said it aloud, or just in his own head.

Luke, trust your feelings.

Trust yourself.

The monk’s chants became a lullaby, something Aunt Beru used to sing to him as a child. He welcomed sleep, and the dreams that would come, of a new home amongst the misfits, of a new future.

[tittyblade]

hello op do tell me what is the wangxian fic you mentioned in the tags of this post https://www.tumblr.com/tittyblade/711997184926711808?source=share i am very much interested in a fic with lots of gender

thank you so much and hv a great day <3

(x) HELLO IM SOOOO GLAD YOU ASKED BC IT MIGHT BE MY ALL TIME FAVORITE WANGXIAN FIC SERIES <3333

See all this and more for just ten dollars a month! by ScarlettStorm

its a modern setting OF au. wangxian met in college and theyve been friends for 10 years, obviously pining like hell and cant do anything abt it for the fear of it messing w their friendship LOL. then things change and they change.

the first book focuses on how their relationship comes to be. its got good conflict n even better conflict resolution <33 if you’re specifically asking for what the post says that doesn’t come until the second book i think? there are still QUITE gender parts in the first book too tho. especially if youre into fuckin around w gender presentation <3 there are certain scenes where reading it gave me so much secondhand gender euphoria. reading this series (n im not even done yet!) made experimenting w my gender both identity and expression wise so much more fun. its definitely a comfort series for me <3

some of my favorite bits abt this series:

lan zhan is autistic and his autism is written rlly nicely. making me reconsider trying to get a diagnosis bc of how relatable he is to me LOL

same with wei ying and adhd

they both fuck up but work thru it together. theyve got really good communication and honestly its so refreshing to read people in a genuinely healthy relationship (it gets worse before it gets better)

^i should add to that. its written from lan zhans pov and quite a few of the first chapters are. anxious. the narration reflects the mental state of the characters so reading those first chapters were a bit uncomf for me but TRUST me. it gets so much better. its still definitely worth to push thru it and keep reading it.

the gang goes to therapy bass boosted! not getting into more details bc spoilers. just read it. its written very realistically which i adore.

nie huisang is nonbinary n goes by they/them <333 incorporating it into my belief system. they’re also a. sort of indie fashion designer WHICH??? I LOVE???? they work w burlesque performers so you can get a sense for their creations <3333

ScarlettStorm, the author, is a burlesque performer herself!! she know what shes writing. which shes Good at. (shes also on tumblr so if youre seeing this HI. i adore your fics)

in the second book, you get social commentary thru the characters’ dialogues abt things like being queer, being a sex worker, etc. which to me felt INCREDIBLY satisfying to read. even just writing queer characters living a good life is a form of resistance.

the smut is like. really really good LOL. thats all im gon say abt it find it out for yourself

[biscuitdetective]

001 Gudaobe >:3c

sorry I tried to reign it in a bit but this is long af lol

When I started shipping it if I did: august 2021, shortly after the lb6 epilogue originally released. I actually hadn’t read the chapter at the time but I read the summaries and thought the ship was probably cute but not particularly deep (fgo master x literally any servant is usually easy mode shipping after all), but when I actually read the chapter I went completely insane about them, and have been insane about them for over 2 years now.

My thoughts: I really like the way Ritsuka starts as a pretty standard and kinda bland almost self-inserty protagonist in part 1 but then in part 2 they very clearly have something wrong with them and their head is extremely Not Okay, and I like the idea that Oberon (and Castoria as a fellow fairy eyes-haver) is one of the only ones that can fully see that. Everyone knows Oberons a liar, but hardly anyone knows Ritsuka has been lying for a while now (about a lot of things, but particularly about being Normal and Okay). The garden of lost will part in lb6 is so, so good.

But I also like how it can also be very unserious because while I like a lot of the angst stuff I also like (/draw)the dumb shit where Ritsuka is just no.1 Oberon simp who does anything he asks because he’s so pretty.

What makes me happy about them: Oberon is extremely miserable and I like to think Ritsuka does make him happy even if he can’t show it, especially since when he’s in Chaldea he’s allowed to just…be? (As opposed to in lb6) I wouldn’t call him a tsundere because the dynamic isn’t quite that but I like how far he has to go out of his way to help Ritsuka in as roundabout way as possible while trying his best to look like he isn’t (the summer event is exactly this). ALSO they are very very cute Ritsuka is like a fluffy dog like a japanese spitz or something and Oberon is a Siamese cat, this is a 10/10 dynamic.

What makes me sad about them: depending on the interpretation of summoning Oberon is either stuck in the abyss forever while a copy of him with the same memories is in Chaldea, or he is saved from the abyss only to have to eventually return there at some point and tbh I don’t know which is worse. also the material book casually noting Oberon would come to ‘accompany’ Ritsuka if they called for him while they were dying, that hurts so good 🥲

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: i have to admit here I don’t really read fanfic but I do read/collect doujins. I don’t like the rapey stuff although tbh it’s way more common with obeguda (one reason why I’m not into it for the most part). I don’t like either of them being sadistic and cruel to eachother for no reason. mostly I don’t really like minibe being lewded, he’s obviously the same character and all but he looks like a weird baby so it can get uncomf visually. I don’t care if people are into that but I can not count the number of times I’ve been jumpscared by it in a pixiv log lol.

things I look for in fanfic: I’m a big dumb idiot masochist and keep buying doujins that look like they will make me cry and then I’m all surprised pikachu face (crying version) after I read them. But I also like dumb gag stuff…and im a sucker for the AUs where they just live together and hang out and be cute and goof off with Castoria, I don’t care that it’s ‘boring’, every time I see it I react like it’s the first time.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: for Ritsuka I’d say Saito Hajime, while I don’t bother to seek it out I do look respectfully at hajiguda if it appears on my feed. For Oberon I don’t ship with anybody else, but the closest thing is that I do really like the tragedy that is him and Blanca (especially since it’s typically one-sided) Blanca is canonically in love with him but according to the material xiii book, she’s (potentially) a cursed princess who isn’t actually a moth, which fascinates me. I also like the theory that she was Titania all along.

My happily ever after for them: Oberon gets granted incarnation as a human by the grail after Everything is Fixed and they live together and also Castoria is there I’m a simple man I’m sappy I eat doujins like this up

Who is the big spoon/little spoon: oberon isn’t a spoon he’s a cat, when he has decided on his sleeping position ritsuka isn’t allowed to move ever

What is their favorite non-sexual activity: I like when they hang out in the welsh forest in the simulator with all the bug fairies. They’re with Castoria a lot too. Oberon is allegedly a good dancer, and whether he actually enjoys it or not, I like to think he does when he does it with them. Maybe he teaches them. 🥹

[gnomeniche]

also i'm changing rosemary + clove's relationship a little. rosemary was still very busy and clove was still fairly lonely growing up. but i want to actually give them a relationship? that was positive in some aspects despite all the flaws?

btw if you don't wanna see talk about complicated parent-child dynamics skip this post. ik it's uncomf for people sometimes. but to continue:

i think their relationship and the arc is more compelling that way (bc discovering that a parent you Do Know has been keeping so many secrets is more fucked than one who might as well be a stranger). plus this comes from me actually trying to get in the head of rosemary as A Character based on her own background instead of just Antagonistic Parent. and it really helps me in figuring out how to develop her after arc 2 is over.

and like. rosemary herself didn't have very nice parents so i think she would try to be nicer to her own child. but her priorities are also fucked bc of that upbringing (see: all the lying and plagiarism that she did to get ahead) so she's kind of trying to push clove down paths that she thinks are Necessary For Surviving In This World based on her own faulty context. head in hands.

and like i wanna stress that that DOESN'T MEAN that she WASN'T a bad parent. but i want it to be more along the lines of "she Was trying to parent but she was also not doing a very good job." something something that one post abt fantastic mr fox where it's like "sometimes people are trying their best and they do love their kids but that doesn't change that they should not have been parents"

[gemharvest]

Tbh it is very temping to disable reblogs on that Art Fight shitpost since it has definitively left the circle of people who actually know what Art Fight is, but I know if I do some guy is gonna repost it and that makes me more uncomf than like fifteen people going "whats art fight" in my notes.

[chemicaljacketslut]

back in that post 10pm state uh oh….. it’s not as bad this time but. made the mistake of rewatching some of bo burnham’s inside and it just took me back to covid lockdown times. i mean all you mentally ill bitches know how it feels to nostalgically yearn for your lowest points. i guess it’s something to do with familiarity; i for one hateeee change, even when positive, so it makes sense i’d be a little uncomf not being depressed. i can’t remember a life before depression; i’m so much better now, but sometimes i miss it, because it’s my childhood. it’s what i’m used to and what i get nostalgic for. i haven’t had a bad episode that’s lasted more than a day or two in a long long time, but sometimes i do really miss waking up for the millionth day in a row realizing i’m in a bad episode and thinking there it is again, that funny feeling… sigh. that being said, i don’t actually want to go back anymore. i used to get nostalgic for my depressive episodes and really want to go back, but now i don’t. more than anything, when i feel like this, i just feel proud of how far i’ve come and optimistic for how i’ll feel in the future, although in a sort of bittersweet way. like, it’s nice that i’m better now, but at the same time, my depression won’t ever go away fully; i’ve just learned to coexist with it. and on top of that, this pride is definitely a little isolating, however much i don’t want to view it that way. thinking back on all i’ve gone through makes me feel a stronger connection with all the people in the world who have struggled with mental health, like some kind of post-war camaraderie. and at the same time, it distances me from the people in my life whom i know haven’t experienced the same type of struggles i have, even if they’ve had their own mental health struggles and they’re just different from mine. because they’ll never be able to truly understand my struggles. you know? i feel like this sounds conceited in some way, but i really don’t intend it like that. everyone has struggles, and just how they won’t fully understand mine, i won’t fully understand theirs. it does make me feel a little weird though bc i don’t think i have anyone in my life right now who’s gone through depression the way i have. i used to when i was in the thick of it, where i had friends both irl and online going thru the exact same struggles i was. but i’ve drifted away from all of them in one way or another. it’s weirdly isolating and comforting at the same time to think about, because while no one i know right now understands, i know there are so many people out there who do, and i have a bond with those people forever despite never knowing most of them. idk. those are my midnight thoughts for tonight and something i’ve been ruminating on a little lately.

[bookofmirth]

I 100% believe that Azriel knows Mor doesn’t feel that way about him and is more interested in women, but chooses to cling onto her because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of love and would rather go after someone who’s unavailable, rather than someone who is single and not mated because he doesn’t think he deserves to be loved (he has serious self worth issues) even though he desperately wants love and a mating bond. I feel like Mor & Az need to have a talk, but I don’t think it will heal him. Maybe it’ll just relieve some burden if he knows she doesn’t love him because he’s ‘unworthy’ but that she prefers women.

That's the thing, what would a conversation actually do? If he's been clinging to someone who, as the spymaster, he should know is never going to go for him, then what do people think would happen if she just looks at him and says "no thanks, buddy"? I'm a little uncomf with the implication that she would only say no because she's queer, though, and having that be the reason he feels "better" about her not wanting to be with him.

It's just not normal for him to have clung this hard unless there are other things going on. It's way more complicated than going onto a subreddit and asking "how do I get girl to go out with me". And I think that, given the emotional depth that Nesta's journey had, Azriel's will be very similarly complex.

I do think they need to have a talk as equals, to clear the air of their friendship. They aren't open with each other at all, in fact Mor seems downright ~uncomfortable~ around him at times, and that's just untenable. I think that seeing Cassian and Rhys in happy, mated relationships is the thing that is finally breaking him out of familiar suffering.

100% of the work that needs to be done to get Az in a better place needs to come from him. No one can do that for him, and it's incredibly unfair (and sexist) to expect a woman to take on that burden (unless she's getting paid $500/hour because she's a therapist). But I do think that, like I said, approaching that conversation as equals and friends is another issue, and necessary at this point.