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sociallyawkward--fics · 5 months ago

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HEY BACK AGAIN. idk how long its been cuz mobile is trash but me n my friend were talking abt how we were in a lot of the same fandom spaces as kids. Sanders sides being one of them. n i was like..... Long shot but do u know sociallyawkward--fics.. n at first they were like no i dont think so.. but then they looked u up n went OH MY GOD YEA??? ill send u a screenshot off anon but i told them we were friends n they said it was like finding out i knew a celebrity LMAO -H (ironic considering theyre prob more popular on ao3 than u😭 they briefly turned back into a 12yo fanboy)

its still so crazy to me ive known u for so long n met him like 3-4 years ago worlds collide ..... Also u can post this though im off anon if u want idc -H

ALSO. since im here. idk if i ever told u my age but when i sent my first ask to u i was probably 11. maybe 10 even. im turning 18 in a couple months now. its hard to bring myself to read some of the asks (ok most of the asks) i sent u over the years bc i was an incredibly anxious and awkward autistic kid. But u always treated me with so much love hahakjs at the time i was rly struggling n had very few friends n AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME CRINGE TO LOOK BACK ON u were honestly the only older person i could talk to n it rly meant a lot lol. im so much more confident n comfortable in myself than i was all those years ago n ik i dont send u asks nearly as frequently anymore but tbh even if eventually its only once every few years ill always think back on u so fondly n gratefully. Neway i literally hate being sappy so ill shut up here but yeah. Thanks n such -H

ALSO IDK IF UR ACTIVE ON AMY SOCIAL MEDIA RLY?? BUT IF U R I CAN GIVE U SOME OF MY SOCIALS mostly i just tweet abt my day occasionally on twitter but i also have a sideblog where i post art. just thinking that maybe then i wouldnt have to be like 'and heres a quick summary of the past 8 months' n u could check up on me whenever instead of only seeing me when i send asks😭 -H (its also so less formal cuz when i send in asks u Gotta respond whereas if i post 'just ate a kickass burger' u can just. Like it. idk idc either way but lmk ^__^)

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I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER THESE FOR MONTHS SINCE I'VE BEEN USING TUMBLR AGAIN AND MY LACK OF OBJECT PERMANENCE HAD ME KEEP FORGETTING I AM SO SORRY 😭😭😭😭

dkjfhkdhf omg that is so wild that you have a friend who also knows about me dkjfhdsf Sanders Sides (back when it was waaaaay smaller of a fandom lol) was the first (and tbh only, really) fandom where i had any real level of "popularity" as a fic writer, and i fed off that high for SO LONG lol -- hearing that people were obsessed with my work, both then and now after the fact, is genuinely so surreal dfkjhdjkfh like. i am just Here, i am just Some Dude who wrote some words that got them weirdly popular at 17-18 dkjsfhdkjfh (also cuz i try to gather all your asks into one post, you continue to remain anonymous just cuz i copy-pasted them into the post in the same order they were received lol)

Dude it is CRAZY that you are almost 18 (or, by the time i am finally managing to answer this with my Bad Brain Powers procrastinating it so long, already 18) -- I looked back and I was 18 when you sent your first ever ask to me dkjfhdf that's so wild. I am so honored that you saw me as an older person you could come and talk to, even if it was just through anonymous tumblr asks for the past 6+ years lol. I always think of you fondly too, and I am so proud of you for the way you've grown up and grown into your confidence

ALSO YOU CAN TOTALLY SEND ME YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA djfdjdsjkf you can absolutely send me any of your socials!!! I know your main blog because you've sent some asks without it (have I ever remembered to follow it??? I meant to but I can't remember, this is also a Brain Forget-y Accidental Procrastination thing), but I would LOVE to see your art sideblog and def feel free to send me your twitter!! I have not opened my twitter in like. 3 months, because i was having Unhealthy Habits so i tucked the app into a pocket out of site and stopped using it for a while, but I am doing better now and would definitely open it back up more often again to see what you were up to

Also!!! You can always feel free to DM me on any of my blogs/sideblogs here on tumblr, too! You don't have to wait to send an ask (though I love receiving asks from you, don't ever feel like you have to stop even if we connect elsewhere!), you can always DM me on any of my blogs (or on any other socials we may exchange, too!)

#ask #anon #H anon #my kids are all growing up 😭😭

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thewritingstar · 4 years ago

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Beautiful Revelations

Pairing: Gruvia (I know its been a hot ass min)

Fandom: Fairy Tail

tags: @shellielyzabeth @be-dazzled @nostalgicxslumber @unvalley @tigerfire54

Note: It has happened. I have written 200 fanfics and idk if I should be proud or slightly scared. (feel free to skip this omg why is it so long)

I want to say thank you to everyone who has read, liked, reblogged or interacted with me in any way. I have always had a feeling that no matter what I write, I wouldn’t matter. But every comment and sweet note left made me realize that even if its just a smile or enough to make someone hit the like button, I made a small difference or added something to the fandom. Most of my fics are quick drabbles full of spelling mistakes, random thoughts and love for the characters. I know I don’t write very long stories or finish my wips (why are we surprised) but even though Im not someone people look to as a big author, each of you have made me feel special. There have been many times, this year especially that I had decided to give up writing. “Im not good enough and no one will even notice” Thats what I told myself if I decided to just back away. But every so often I would look and see that someone new or old had read my work. Every time someone reads something I wrote, I go back and read it too. I look at all the tags and see every comment and I stop and smile and remember how much joy it brought me when I first posted.

When I first started writing, I thought that I wouldn’t have a place. Yet in a very short span of time, I was welcomed with open arms and people started to tune in regularly for my fics. I had been given many nicknames such as Gruvia goddess, angst queen, satan (yes I know the fic0 and well even Star.

During my darkest moments, my mind lingered to my writing and to my internet friends. without hesitation I could message someone and feel better and be given the reassure I need. I can't even begin to say how much it means to me that people actually enjoy my writing and even me as a person.

I thank each of you for giving me a joy that was considered a luxury at one point and allowing me to write whatever I wanted and you took it with love and made me happier than I have been in years. To all the people who made art or wrote me something, it means so much to me.

Im not saying that this fic is my greatest but I think it has a special place because It shows the growth over time. 200 fics is a lot and whether or not they were all good, it doesn't matter because I did that and I can say that im proud. Im sorry for all that sappy shit but I wouldn't be where I am without you all.

-Star <3

ps: im not dying or stop writing fics im just happy lol

---

“There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.”

― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

---

It was the nights like these that she hated most. The cold would creep through the blankets and make her shiver as her eyelids hung heavy. She could be ready to rest, let the sweet dreams guide her but instead those dark intrusive thoughts toyed with her like a fly on a freshly woven web. They would sprout out of nowhere, tangled with thorns and hold her mind hostage as it injected its sickly venomized thoughts for the night.

She always wondered how she got this far. She was one of the highest members of Phantom Lord, her abilities had rarely been matched. If she desperately craved, she could walk down the hallways and strike fear into the other members, no one could touch her. Hierarchies became a custom here. Once you made it to the top after clawing your way with blood, sweat and probably more blood, you were a god. Yet she walked in and in the next few minutes she was at the table with the master, already receiving a promise that she was special, a delicate and useful ally for the guild.

Special. What a swollen lie that turned out to be.

Maybe that's why she never bothered to search for a light, something to cure the rain. For every life she had bruised or ended, she wanted to feel the pain that followed. She needed to know the consequence of her actions, to be held accountable for ruining another family or taking something from the innocent. Instead she was celebrated.

The days turned to months and she found herself years later not knowing what anything meant anymore. Life used to be black and white. She would walk the side of the kind and good and now she was treading through a swarm of a morally gray compound.

These restless nights, she loathed them but then again, suffering was something that came naturally to her. The only person to ever knock her down was herself.

She climbed out of bed, fuzzy slippers over her feet as she walked to the bathroom. Her headache had worsened and she stared into the mirror. She had looked at herself a thousand times but… have her eyes always been that blue? No, she was tired and her vision was fuzzy, she was fine. Cold water came to her hands as she turned on the facet and splashed her face. Everything was the same as it always was. Expect for today.

Her order was simple. Defeat whoever stood in her way and make sure the Phantom Lord got Lucy Heratfilia. Why did they want some mage? She didn’t know but she was never one to second guess her orders. To go against what she was told was a waste of time, she would have been dead by the end of the day if she did. She had once believed that they accepted her with open arms, that Phantom Lord truly cared about her well being. It was a lie. A bitter sweet lie she allowed to remain in her head.

Hundreds of opponents had come before her. She was accustomed to the way of a battle and had harnessed her skill at a young age. The pure power of the rain pushed her further. She had an unlimited amount of power around her, unlike others, they would run out of fuel. She began to crave that god-like power. Allow the storm to rage on, all she had was herself and the droplets that followed. She understood she was an outcast. Love was never an option, not for someone who brought gloom everywhere.

But this afternoon, fate was a funny thing. She walked onto that rooftop, winning was the only thing on her mind, but he was there. A man who didn’t back down, a man who saw her as an equal.

Her heart began to race. It was forgien and she wasn’t sure if she liked it. She had felt attraction before but this, this was different. Something as small as a single glance had already spun her mind into a muddled mess. It would have been better if she turned around, if he didn’t engage in the fight. Then maybe she wouldn’t be thinking of him like this.

Love at first sight. That wasn’t real. No one could possibly have that happen. What could drive someone's emotion so wild that they become attached to a person in such a short time? And yet it happened. He stood there waiting for the next move and she could only gaze at him with rose colored glasses.

An enemy. A traitor. That's what she would be if she dared to let him escape. She couldn’t hestatite, she never did and now she was frozen in her spot as ice magic danced around her. Peoples magic and abilities never intrigued her, but this, this was beyond anything she had seen.

The light reflecting off of the ice as her droplets froze before her eyes was breathtaking and she hardly noticed that she was losing the battle. She never thought rain could look, dare she say, beautiful? But in this state of its frozen glory, it was all she could think about. She envied those who never had to stay in the rain, a jealousy she didn’t want to admit had festered over the years and she gave up trying to despise the element. But before her was something much more than the state she was accustomed to. Ice. The solid purity of her own and she had wondered what it would be like to hold it in her hands.

She had water locked him, pulled out all of the stops and even with that, he stood again and again. He had screamed that the water was boiling, burning his skin but never before had the water gone above warm. It was usually ice cold on the tipping point of freezing but she could feel the warmth surrounding her.

It shocked her just the same. She had heard people talk about feeling the sun kiss their skin, the warmth spreading as they walked, this was the closest she had felt to that. This warm rush of water was beyond what she had known and yet even as it tinged her hands it felt good, it felt freeing, it felt right.

It burned in a way she had craved for so long. Something other than the fridgeness she had grown used too.

She stared at her reflection in her mirror, tears brimming her eyes. How could one person she just met bring her something she had never felt before? She shut the light out in the bathroom and walked back to her bed, passing her window, she stopped and turned.

Above in the sky was the moon. A soft white glow surrounded the orb that she had never seen before. It was breathtaking. A cosmic power the normal people of the world didn’t dare to worship now became a luxury. The sky was clear and she could see the stars, she could sense them all. How could she have lived her entire life never once seeing the moon and the sun? She had been cursed to live in the rain forever.

But he-he made it stop.

When he grabbed her arm, it was like time had stopped. As if everything she had ever known was washed away and all she could see was a bright light encasing him. She was content knowing her death was coming, there was hardly a reason for her to live. Perhaps she wasn't even living, just surviving day after gloomy day.

He pulled her to safety, her back against the roof as she panted heavily. Those clouds above her moved like a curtain for a show, parting just so that she could see the enchanting mystery she had always craved.

She had never known a blue sky till then. The brightness was almost unbearable as she stared into a sky she had never known. So many emotions flooded her head but it was clear as those ice crystals that her heart was beating for him. She was his enemy, they made that clear from the start but he hadn’t hesitated to save her. He showed a mercy she had never come across.

Another tear fell as she sat on her bed.

“He saved Juvia.” She whispered to herself. A horrific thought came to her. Would she have saved him? She didn’t want to know the outcome because deep down she believed she was good. Beneath the surface of unremosle power, there was that scared little girl who never had anyone to care for her.

The amount of days she sat in that orphanage alone sewing her dolls and praying that the rain stopped one way or another, it was as if she couldn’t remember it. He had done the impossible. He showed her the sky she hadn’t seen. He had shown her kindness.

A thought came to mind as she stood and packed her things. No more would she be known as “the rain woman”. No more would gloom be her only trait. She was determined to find something much more appealing than those bowing by fear. She wanted love. She wanted that warmth of the water constantly and the feeling of the sun on her skin. She understood it now. There was a power strong than her, stronger than any wizard that surrounded the other guild.

She had vowed to be done with love. Promised herself that no man could hurt her again. She was trembling at the thought of being vulnerable once more. The only time she felt warmth was the scorching burn of a fiery rejection and words that burned like lava. It was too much for someone to handle. So she pushed it down, locked the key and threw it as far as she could. The temptation though. The idea of letting her guard down for someone, someone she barely knew? How she fantasized of that moment. She had once believed that someone of her past had done that, but they were all the same. Ashamed of the rain, the rain she caused, the pain she brought.

And after their fight when she collected herself and tried to run back towards her guild, he stopped her.

“For what it's worth I think you’re an incredible wizard. You may not want to believe that your guild is dark and bad but, Fairy Tail is always open.” He had said it with such sincerity that she wasn’t sure if it were true.

“Juvia thinks your magic is just as powerful.” She had said before he gave her a smile and turned away to go back to his other guild mates.

And here she stood, a suitcases packed in the night and a note left on the desk. This guild didn’t deserve any words. Not when they feasted on her ability. Harvested those negative emotions and almost made her fall into the deep end.

She knew what they would say. They would call her a coward. A traitor and a worthless wizard, at first it was enough to stop her. Make her stay and perhaps bring back the clouds. However what he said stuck in her mind.

“I would rather die fighting than let your guild have Lucy! She is one of us and we don’t leave anyone behind.”

Without hesitation he made it clear that every member of the guild was valued no matter how long they had been there, they were a family. If something like that would have happened, if she were threatened, her guild would let her die without a second thought.

Never again would she allow someone to have a hold over her. She spent too many years sheltered by pain and deviation to go on like that.

She grabbed her bag and closed her door.

Juvia stood in front of the door. The morning would be better to do this but it was beyond dark outside and she didn’t want her intrusive thoughts pulling her back to her old guild. Softly she knocked, maybe hoping that he wouldn’t hear it and force her back to the isolation of fear.

The open clicked open and her eyes widened slightly as a sleepy Gray leaned against the door frame, shirtless and rubbing his eyes.

“Juvia?” He blinked and watched as her cheek puffed out in red. He looked down to see that he was only in his underwear and let out a yelp as he grabbed a blanket off the chair. “What are you doing here?”

“Um Juvia thought.” She paused and looked towards the ground. “Actually Juvia apologies for disturbing you.” Her back was to him and she began to walk away.

“Wait!” His hand caught hers and he pulled slightly. A jolt of warmth spread through her, burning her like a thousand suns as well as the chill of ice from his own temperature. She looked back at him, eyes wide and lips parted. “Juvia, please just tell me.”

“Such kindness.” She whispered to herself. Her heart rate sped up just like it did earlier and she swallowed a breath. “Juvia was wondering…why did you save her?”

His hand dropped her as if he were shocked that she would dare question his action.

“I wasn’t going to let you die. Enemies or not, I don’t think you deserved that fate. I don’t believe that you are this evil person your guild made you out to be. To be honest when you fell, you look like you didn’t care what happened and I guess I saw myself in you.”

“You saved Juvia because you know what it's like?”

“To feel lost and hopeless I guess.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Sometimes it's hard thinking you deserve to live, that it would be better to harbor all the pain of your past. I don’t know everything about you but that look in your eyes. I couldn’t let you go knowing that there was a brighter future ahead.”

A tear dripped from her eye. Her smile was soft as hugged her arms to her body. “You knew Juvia would join the guild.”

“Well I wouldn’t say I knew, but I was hoping that you would. If you still want to, that is.”

“Juvia would be honored.” She bowed respectfully towards him.

Gray smiled and bowed back. His eyes faced the sky looking towards the moon. “Have you ever seen it?”

“Tonight would be the first. Juvia thinks the stars are remarkable.”

“Lucy knows alot about them, I think you two would be good friends.”

Juvia shook her head as regret twisted in her stomach. “Juvia accepts your kindness and compassion but she doesn’t know if the rest will. Juvia was her rival, she understands if everyone doesn’t see her as a friend.” She frowned slightly.

A laugh came from the ice mage's mouth. “That's the thing about Fairy Tail, no matter where you come from or what your past may have held, there's always going to be a friend waiting.”

Juvia nodded. “Thank you Gray. Juvia will talk to your guild master tomorrow.”

“Like I said before. You’re an incredible wizard, you’ll be just fine.” He winked.

“Have a nice night.”

“You too.”

She watched as he entered his house before turning around and walking towards her hotel. Her shoulders felt lighter and she held her head high for the first time. This was her step in the right direction, this was where her new life began.

Time had slowed and allowed her to pause. A beautiful revelation she never knew could exist came to mind as she just realized that she was in love.

---

She looked down at her leg in the mirror. The voices behind her had faded to the background as she became entranced with the mark of Fairy Tail.

“The blue suits you.” She turned to see Gray standing there with a smile as he was focused on her guild mark.

To say that she was grateful was an understatement. Her mask she wore like a crown had shattered. It unravels in his hands as the months went on and all that was left was the person she wanted to be. She could finally let go of her ghosts, her darkness and begin to forgive herself.

---

“What do you think?” He asked her as the white sky fell with snow.

Gray had told her of a special spot he used to go to when the first snow came. Past the forest was a clearing of grassy hills that would soon become a winter wonderland. Laid out on one of the hills was a blanket and a few lanterns.

She held her hand out and felt the tiny snowflakes collect on her hand. He sat behind her, one arm snaked around her waist while the other hand rose above hers and created a small flurry of snowflakes.

“Breathtaking.” She gushed. This was the first time she had seen snow fall. Her eyes followed the ice magic as it formed a heart and blew into the sky joining the other flurries. She turned so she could meet his eyes and his normal content face was replaced with a smile.

He leaned forward until their noses touched briefly. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” He said and she only had a moment to process his words as his lips landed on hers and her eyes fluttered close.

Her hand went to his cheek as she leaned towards him, her energy matching his and all she could hear was the thumping of her heart. She would be embarrassed to say that she might have dreamt of this moment a little too much but it didn’t matter now. All she knew was that her beloved felt the same.

---

For once she was happy to hear a cry. That little whimper bubbling from the baby's mouth, her baby, she was in disbelief. Perfection was a rarity. No one was perfect, but the being with a tuft of dark blue hair and grey eyes would beg to differ. A child was never in her future. The thought came up randomly but the idea of raising a family wasn’t even a question.

During her missions in her old guild, she would walk past a family. She would see happy faces on everyone and would only be filled with envy and hatred. Disgusting was what it was. How could you love someone else when there was no love for you?

But times change. She would see others holding their child's hand and feel a warmth in her heart at how the children beamed up at their parents. She could sense the love all around them and would smile herself, hoping that it might become a reality for herself.

She would wake in the middle of the night, not from her demons but for her new reason to live. He would babble and tug at the locks of her hair and giggle when water magic danced before his young eyes.

---

It was nights like these that loved the most. The soft rays of moonlight casting shadows through her window as silk sheets wrapped around her bare form. She used to spend nights alone, only her pillow to catch her tears and now delicate fingers trail her backside as she listens to the thumping of his heart. His chest rises and falls as her own follows the rhythm. Her eyes flutter close as her tiredness grows untils it's interrupted by a cool press of lips under her ear.

A peaceful sigh leaves her lips as she tilts her head up to meet dark eyes gazing at her. Flushed cheeks was something she wore often and she lifted off of him to move further up and meet his lips with hers. He pulls her back to him, hating the emptiness between them and adores the way she shivers when his thumb traces her guild mark.

Their love was honest and raw. She had learned that nights like those in the past would haunt him as well. They would keep him up and plague his thoughts with images of death and destruction. But now, they lingered in the shadows, always there but something brighter and beautiful guarded them to peace and she focused on the way he breathed her name then the tears that dropped.

There was an overwhelming amount of happiness that she had gathered after all the years she spent in Fairy Tail. She found friendship and family bonds. Love in all forms that she cherished deeply. Her powers were seen as a gift to help others and lend a hand, not twisted into medled lies that she had spent so long untangling.

Her lips pulled from his slowly and their breaths settled between them. When she looked at Gray she found something more. She had freedom and rebirth. Forgiveness and lust wrapped into something more than love. Their bond was stronger than she could have ever dreamed and when he left kisses over her skin she wanted nothing more in life than to stay frozen in this moment.

He did the impossible. He opened a door, shined a light through her darkness and allowed her to accept the fact that she did deserve to live. She could cherish moments and keep them as her own without the threat of corruption. Her life was now her own to command and she did it with such grace and beauty that Gray couldn’t imagine her being any different.

“I love you.” He promised and there was no doubt in her mind that he meant it.

“I love you too.” She responded.

The beautiful truth was that she was finally at peace and loved herself.

---

I hope that you all enjoyed and thank you for being so lovely <3

#Gruvia #Gruvia fic #gray x Juvia #Juvia x Gray #Juvia ft #gray fullbuster #juvia loxar #fairy tail #fairy tail fic #thewritingstar

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jamiegeode · 3 years ago

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I am such a lucky individual.

First off, I get to be in love. I’m not saying it’s something that everyone needs or wants, I didn’t need it or even want it before it happened, but now it’s here and real and I feel like the luckiest person alive for it. For too long I tried to go without it because we couldn’t talk starting during quarantine and up till just a little while ago, and it hurt so bad. But now we can talk and it’s amazing and yeah there will be stuff to work out but I’m so ready and willing to do that, like being able to communicate with someone I love to make our love stronger is just something I want to know I can do and want to do. Because I’m desperately in love and my screen time has definitely gone up over the last week. I’m so insanely lucky to have him in my life. And I know it won’t always be perfect, but perfect can get boring sometimes. I trust him not just with my life, but with my heart, every piece of it, every day. He is the best thing in this insane story, and I’m glad to know I’ve got their support through my issues, and advice for when the days are hard, even if, at this very moment I don’t have his hand to hold from physical distance.

Second? I’ve got amazing friends who I love, not in the same way or as much, but I do care about them tons. The worst part of my life was quarantine. A bunch of stuff my mind had blocked up came at once, and I lost touch with my love, the one I hold dearest in my heart, one of the only people I’d felt safe actually talking about my trauma with. I had mild panic attacks that I lived through pretty much every day, except when my mom’s temper was up, then they took over, making me go numb because I rocketed from hyperventilation to the inability to breathe, and the most I could do in movement was lower myself to the ground when I was lucky. But over the last year I’ve made friends who let me talk about that stuff without pressure to say more or less. I’m a lot healthier, and my last full on attack was over a month ago, and only because I wasn’t prepared for the half dozen triggers a show one of my friends and I went to at thescon (Thespian Convention) without knowing what it was. And my friends were there for me. That’s something I’m insanely grateful for.

Third off? I’m FINALLY getting into drawing more, and I’m hoping to get some discounted leather so I can start leather working. I’ve wanted to improve my art for ages, and I’m at the point where I’m actually proud of stuff from sketches to finished works, even half done stuff. I also made like, a bed frame out of bookshelves over the summer. It has a reading cave and fairy lights.

And finally my mental health. IM SO MUCH HEALTHIER GUYS. There were times in quarantine where I wanted to end everything, the only thing keeping me going was audio diaries to my dearest promising I’d make it through to see him again(I ended up deleting them one night because I was ready to give up and didn’t want the shame of anyone knowing about those broken promises, but I’m still here. That’s good.) Now I can almost say I care for myself, even if it’s just little things like the fact that I’ve actually grown out my nails. I’ve been in musicals without feeling guilty because someone else could have had the part. Same with plays. And I’ve been confident about them!! That’s a lot I’ve conquered.

And as repetition, I’m lucky to be in love. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t been. Other people are more independent and stronger, but I was on the edge. So here I am, alive. Alive, with amazing friends and seeing beauty in life and amazingly wonderfully in love.

#Love #hope #gratitude #surviving #PTSD #I’m lucky #I’m blessed #don’t give up #things get better #dearheart I love you #I have awesome friends and hobbies and I’ve lived #and I really can thank you for that my love #quaratine

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ddaengyoonmin · 5 years ago

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Faerie Realm 13.5

Pairing: Ot7xReader; currently mainly Jungkook x reader with past Jimin x reader and future other members. ;)

Genre: fluff, angst, smut(In previous and later chapters)

Theme: Based kinda on sword art online a lot of similar ideas and themes kinda combining the idea of them trapped in the game, but the world is closer to ALFheim online

Warnings; Drunken bar argument with threats and mentions of killing.

Word count: 1.2k

Taglist: (I definitely think I missed some of you and some usernames were changed from my last list😭 so im sorry if this is all wrong lol. I am doing away with taglists for the most part but ill keep on for faerie realm if anyone wanted to be tagged let me know) : @taekookandyoongi @life-anime-food @i-like-puppy-mg @seesawsmin-flower @karissassirak @btsvisuals @vynia

A/N: Okay it's been months but Faerie Realm is back y'all! So let me explain myself. Faerie Realm is my baby, and this series is FAR from done. But, I got stumped, really bad lol The way I ended the last chapter I honestly didn’t have a plan on where to go to transition to what I wanted to happen next, and I didn’t totally know what to do for the boss fight scene. So, I hope we aren’t mad about this but there is a time jump happening.

This chapter is called 13.5 because I wanted to have an explanation of what went on in our characters lives during the months that pass between chapter 13 and 14.

Thank you to those who still send asks about Faerie Realm, and to the new readers who I see binging through the series in my notifications. I love you all and appreciate you patiently waiting for this update of my ridiculous fic I love so much.

The boss battle had gone smoothly, without a hitch. Yoongi and Namjoon’s fire attacks were extra effective against the type of creature that was in the cave, and many other groups had joined in to take it down.

You and Hoseok were thanked and rewarded by quite a few of the other groups for your healing you’d done for their team during the attack. Though you insisted you didn’t need to be compensated you both wound up with quite a lot more gold in your inventory than you’d started with.

You didn’t feel like you needed to be rewarded though. You did heal quite a few people from other teams,but there were quite a few times where you knew you could’ve been healing another team’s member, yet, you were too scared to take both your hands away from Jungkook. Memories of the attack in the woods where you’d almost lost him running through your mind.

After defeating the boss, a giant glowing blue portal with white flecks swirling around in circles like dye dropped into water appeared. It sat in the back of the cave where the boss had spawned.

The first team to go through wasn’t your own. Jungkook had held your team back, skeptical of the newly spawned portal, saying it wouldn’t hurt to let someone else test it out first.

Almost instantly the guinea pig team as you’d all called them, a group of all Fire Fairies, returned back the way they came. They gave it the all clear, and upon realizing this really was the portal to level 2 the surviving players of Faerie Realm started to pour in to the next floor.

There were those players who chose to stay back in the starting village, not many but a few. It was mostly those who had been too scared to leave it in the first place.

A lot of people made fun of them and many whispers and harsh words were passed around by the other players.

“Why should we be out here risking our lives for players that aren’t going to even help.”

“You know this game has limited resources right? Certain things don’t respawn and yet here we are sending food back to the main town.”

That sentiment tied in to an even darker one floating around the groups.

“We should just kill the players not helping out. All they are doing is being lazy, and taking resources we need to live.”

Upon hearing that spoken in a bar on floor two Jungkook had stood up on his table, well drunk, but speaking clearly.

“Say that again.” He growled, now looking down at the group of Sylphs that had been drunkenly muttering those words far too loud.

The tallest of the men turned around to Jungkook, staring up at him unphased.

“I said, we should get rid of all the leeches in Main Town, who sit around on their ass all day while *we* get our ass’s kicked down into the red to get us all out of here.”

Jungkook paused for a moment.

“You think that they wouldn’t help if they could?” He asked, “You don’t think that they wish they were out here helping. Some of those people back there have never played an MMO in their life let alone even picked up a video game, and you expect them to be out here doing what you’re doing?” Jungkook hissed.

“Ah bullshit, we all know your girl started out as a first time player, word gets around. I don’t see any excuses for them not just putting in the effort like she did.” The green haired man rolled his eyes.

Jungkook now jumped down from the table, you had gasped for a second thinking in his drunkenness he’d fall but he landed smoothly in front of the man, their chests now almost touching.

“You think just cuz one exception happens that means anyone can just do it huh? That everyone has the resources and opportunities and people to coach them through the game? 90% of those people back in Main would die the instant they stepped foot out of the safe zone. Those are people’s families. People’s moms who decided to pick up the game to try out before giving it to their kid for their birthday. So fuck you. I’ll fight to get them out of this game. I’ll fight to get us all out of this game. If you’re just doing this for yourself you might as well just fly into a dragon's mouth and get fucked…”

“Ohhhh kay.” Taehyung was now pulling Jungkook away from the fuming sylph who was now turning beet red and pursing his lips together so tightly you thought he’d pull a muscle.

You were proud of Jungkook though, his attitude had greatly changed from when this all had first gone down. He’d gotten less selfish, more caring, he was a hero in this game.

You on the other hand found yourself turning opposite. The longer you stayed in this game, the more you cared just about you and your team getting out of this alive than anything else.

It wasn’t easy knowing how to feel. You certainly wouldn’t go around talking about killing the townspeople of main though. Some people in this game were just vile, not far off from the real world.

--------------------------

In the months after the boss battle that led your team to floor two, you’d grown close with all of the boys. Your newest additions Yoongi and Hoseok had stuck around the whole time and there was no doubt this was your permanent group.

You and Hoseok had especially grown close, being that the two of you shared the rare trait of being a water fairy you’d often get grouped together when doing raids so that you could use a series of double team healing spell moves that you’d come up with together.

He was honestly becoming your best friend.

Things with Jungkook had stayed the same, you loved him, and he loved you.

Jimin and you still kept each other at an awkward distance, but the months spent every day together had certainly healed much of the strain between the two of you.

Though Jungkook never quite fully got on board with being fond of Jimin, he was kinder to him and things had been civil.

Namjoon and Yoongi became quick friends over similar reasons to you and Hoseok, a shared set of skills made for some great bonding moments.

Jin you’d gotten to know better, realizing there was an extremely funny and entertaining man under the fear that he’d had for so long was one of the highlights of your time here.

Growing closer to all of them was such an odd gift you’d gotten through this life or death game.

----------

--(Snippet from chapter 14 :D)

“Y/n?” Taehyung called out from behind the almost unreal blue veil of water separating the two of you.

“I’m still here…” You spoke quietly. Not quite sure how to respond to his confession. “I just don't know what to say. Jungkook is…”

“I know.” He cut you off.

You couldn’t see him well, you wanted to just push through the water and run over to him, shake him, ask him why the hell he thought it was okay to say this to you now.

“I just thought you should know.”

#jungkook x reader #ot7 x reader #jungkook smut #ot7 smut #bts x reader #bts fanfics #btswriterscollective #hoseok x reader #namjoon x reader #seokjin x reader #taehyung x reader #jimin x reader #yoongi x reader #jimin smut #bts x you #bts imagines #ot7 fanfic #bts smut

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pantsusnifferr · 4 years ago

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I’m gonna be hella honest here, 2020 wasn’t the drastic life changing year i had hoped it’ll be.

Now its a tradition, well maybe, not really. Who knows...

Let’s start with the goals which ive accomplished in 2020 yeah?

Have less regrets Live more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone Be hardworking, be brave Work hard for the company Rekindle ties to the ones important to me Start working on my YouTube channel for company Study hard Be more confident, be more social Be a nicer and kinder person

Yes i definitely have had lesser regrets overall, i learnt that listening to that gnawing feeling in my gut is one of the few things that will lead me to get less regrets. Perhaps that’s an indication of something that you really want on the inside. Many times this year i just took a leap of faith and made decisions on the fly, going out of my way many times just to do the things i wanted to do. The me a year ago would never have done any of these things, let alone spend any money or time into such ‘frivolous’ activities.

Lets go through some of the highlights for my accomplished goals.

1. Bought Airshow tickets on impulse and rented camera lenses just because i had a shot i wanna get.

Ended up getting that money shot and feeling pretty accomplished. It was nice to meet up and connect with fellow aviation enthusiasts and friends from my Air Force days, but i still felt like i didn’t fit in. Oh well, i didn’t regret anything. I set my mind to a thing i thought would be fun and challenging and i did it!

2. Trespassing into the green corridor for an assignment during the circuit breaker

haha...Definitely isn’t worth the trouble in the end due to shitty unusable footage and total lack of input when it comes to the editing process. BUT STILL, the feeling of walking through thick jungle and jumping over construction barricades and barriers in the middle fo some goddamn forest just to get some footage is an experience nonetheless! Shitty teammates, good thing we managed to pull through and made some friends along the way. Wasn’t worth it, but i didn’t regret the experience one bit.

3. Got into more active activities with an open mind.

Went to the gym with friends a lot more and tried to lead a healthier lifestyle, cycling, hema classes (more about that in a bit) The me from a couple of years ago would definately never give this idea a shot. Running at least once a week, keeping track of my health, all these made me feel a lot better. I should really get into it more though.

4. Hema classes .

Never thought swinging swords around can be that much fun! And i almost didn’t want to show up because i had a sudden surge of social anxiety in the morning before. Glad i powered through that to get to that class that october aternoon. I was mostly on autopilot, depressed and wanting more...but for the last few months of the year, hema classes gave me something to look forward to, and this really changed up my entire outlook then. I suppose having a newfound hobby you never knew you liked changes people for the better.

5. Going out of my way many many times just to help out a friend. Or just to hang out.

I remember being too lazy to go out and have fun. Too lazy to wanna get up to get something done even with friends. Installing internet access points, cleaning up rooms, setting up laptops etc. Perhaps its the large amount of FOMO i’ve started to develop, or maybe its just me sick of being a sad loney wreck. Who knows, all i know is its a blessing to have friends and i am so glad that they’re willing to give me their time of the day as well.

6. Making videos for work.

I didn’t HAVE to do this. Autopilot at work is a scary thing, its my own company and i could’ve done so much more... but i didn’t... or rather i couldn’t. I don’t remember what came over me and how i manage to find the willpower to shoot the videos then edit them over a few days. And i have no idea how i managed to actually follow through with it and get the damn thing edited. Not my proudest work, but damn am i proud of myself for actually doing the thing!

7. Keeping at it for school and not giving up.

Statistics, the killer module. Logistics, another killer one. I studied so so hard for it, i thought i was going to fuck it up like how i fucked up my assignments. But I am so so so glad that it paid off. Taking days of work to study is the correct move and i am so glad i had the discilpine to stick with it. Haha discilpline i said, more like letting the panic set in untill i find myself studying as if my life depended on it. But still, an A and a B+ feels really great though. My first A, that’s still something to celebrate for! Thanks for helping, you know who you are!

8. Giving more of a shit for my company

Im a little undecided about whether i should put this under the part about having no regrets. I am happy with the money and growth we’ve got in our company, alongside the many happy customers ive got, I still somehow felt that i have struggled so much and had a lot more anxiety and stress as compared to the previous years. Perhaps i just need to chill. Although i don’t doubt the fact that taking more responsibility does indeed make things less mundane. Appreciate the increase in pay and bonuses though.

9. Spent quality time with family

I used to have this feeling whenever i am around my cousins, these are the people whom i’ve grown up wit,h and who i used to consider really close friends. I just felt that over the years we have just became different people altogether. They’re normies with normal hobbies, living their lives normally and successfully while im just a weird outsider.

Im somewhat glad that we managed to find some common ground in gaming and our talking sessions. Attending their wedding is a weird feeling but im still somewhat glad that a part of them is still the same on the inside. We might not be as close anymore but im still happy that they treasured the times and memories we had just the same as i did. Lets hope i’ll not fuck it up and i’ll need another chance to rekindle this relationship. Still, them being more successful in life and work still gives me this crazy inferioty complex around them.

Talking with my mom has given me a lot of peace of mind. I am so glad that I have a responsible parent and business partner who shares the same values as i do. Makes things a lot less stressful to know that she’s got my back.

10. Became more social

Yep, went out of my comfort zone many times to talk to people and help out when i could! Its always good to do the kind thing and reach out, when i’d just brush it off as someone else’s problem previously. I am really proud of myself for this.

Now for the goals ive failed. Start work on my personal YouTube channel Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends Learn weeb speak Be healthy Learn 2 songs on bass guitar or ukulele Draw at least once a month (I did but they’re not completed art)

Oof, i don’t know perhaps its the lack of time or the lack of effort. Maybe i’ve been putting in so much effort into the other things i don’t have the mental energy to process these. Perhaps i don’t want it bad enough...

Art and drawing in particular has been really bad. I want to be good at drawing so badly but i really just can’t be arsed to practice. Music too.

I think i am definately healtheir than before but i am nowhere near where i should be. Gotta step up!

Now here’s what i wanna do for the next year

Keep healthy, Lose weight! Be even more social! Start work on personal youtube channel Learn ONE SONG on any instrument Draw at least twice in the next year! Live even more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone more! Be hardworking, be brave

#2020 year in review

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redrabbitspod · 5 years ago

Photo

happiness?

first, i wanted to start by thanking dan for allowing me to post this. for a while, i wondered if i even should. but, a lot of you have been asking about me, my upbringing, and who the fuck i am. i think this is, in part, due to my team interview and rumor. i have to admit, not all of the rumors are wrong, but i wanted to come completely clean and after a long time of thinking and a big change in my life, i decided why the fuck not? maybe, i told myself, it would help some of you. i hope it does.

but, it is personal and it does mean a lot to me. if i’m being honest, it also makes me feel a bit vulnerable. however, after taking quite a few L’s for rrp, dan agreed, so here we are.

where are we? here. the fuck does that mean? i don’t exactly know, but i’m going to fuckin wing it.

so, here goes. let’s start from the top. (art by me)*

QUICK OOC! THIS IS A CHAPTER! CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT SETH’S TIME IN MIAMI AND MORE OF WHAT HE TALKS ABOUT UNDER THE CUT

*BloodyDamnit: it’s my art. but we like to think Seth is an artist :)

vvvvvvvvvvv

my name is seth gordon, i’m 31 years old and 1 of 7 sons. i’m smack in the middle and i severely suffered from middle child syndrome.

31 years ago, i was born in rural alabama to a white, military father and a black, hard-as-rocks mother. i had your typical, strict military upbringing. my dad was hard on us from the jump and refused to acknowledge the fact that at the time, he had 4 black sons (to have 3 more). i still don’t think he realizes that to this day, he raised 7 black men to hate themselves, but that’s not what this post is really about. i can write an entire critical essay on how much my fathers obliviousness to race and racism ruined my and my brothers psyches, but anyway.

growing up in the deep south, meant we encountered racism every single day. a lot of it was severe and ultimately, barely acknowledged. to my dad, we were white (which was odd in itself because he was ostracized by everyone around him for marrying my mom) - to my mom, we were hers, but undeniably black. to her family, we were mixed. it was confusing in the household, to say the least.

while we were accosted at school, bullied, and harassed, my dad had the usual macho-man response of ‘punch ‘em back’ and ‘none of my sons will get beat by some scrawny kids’. if you didn’t punch back, then you were a pussy.

i, was a pussy. (for many things, but we’ll get there)

my mom, on the other hand, tried her best - bless her fuckin heart. when he wasn’t home, she’d do her best to remind us what we looked like, what we were, and that people wont ever treat us right. she wasn’t wrong, not there, not in that town.

what was ironic about it all, was while she was trying to get us to understand that being black wasn’t wrong, that it was something to be aware of, yes, but also to be proud - being ‘queer’ was out of the question.

to start, i was a sensitive kid. that alone was enough to have my older brothers mock me, call me names. when i cried, it got worse. i vividly remember my dad gripping my arm, shaking me, and getting in my face to ‘stop crying like a girl’. i was called queer, i was called fag, i was ostracised by my family - all for crying, all for being ‘sensitive’. i was 6? 7? i was young. a child.

i learned early.

as i got older, all the homophobia i’d encountered from my family assuming, made me hate myself for more than just being black, but being whatever i was, too. as i started realizing that boys looked just as good as girls, i became the worst version of myself possible and when my parents divorced, it only festered.

middle child, remember that? when my dad left, my mom was the only income. she had 7 kids, 7 boys to take care of. my youngest brother was a toddler, my oldest a junior in high school. the older kids were tasked with taking care of the youngest and while my older brothers were working, succeeding in school, making sure the youngest succeeded too, i was left somewhere in between. i was a menace. i created problems in every single fuckin way i could. i wanted attention, i wanted love, i wanted someone to take care of me, too. but i was in middle school and deemed able to take care of myself, so i did.

i continued to, even as my older brothers went off to college and pursued careers, and i was the last to take care of the kids. i put my mom through the ringer and i had no real prospects. i was getting into fights, smoking weed every day, getting involved with girls, partying, drinking. my second oldest brother pulled me over at the beginning of my senior year and told me that i needed to get out.

he thought it would help - to be away from family, away from my dad, away from the toxicity i’d grown to only know. for a long time, i thought he was stupid. so stupid to think that someone like me, someone with my temperament, my habits, my ability to seek out trouble in every fuckin way i could, should be trusted on my own at college.

turns out, it was the best advice he could’ve ever given me.

because i was accepted to psu on a hope and a fuckin prayer.

i get more into my time at psu here*. it details my drug abuse, my addictions, my severe homophobia, and my path to accepting myself as a bi man. i don’t really feel comfortable explaining that all here, on this public page. but if you would like to read more, you can click the link.*

anyway, all of that was thanks to wymack and surprisingly, minyard as well. they helped me realize that i could get better, i could be better, that i could overcome the thick fog id lost myself in.

which brings me to here, today.

the title of this post is happiness? i asked myself wtf happiness was for the majority of my life. after my undergrad, i questioned if i was happy, every single day. i still do, sometimes.

you all know me as happy-go-lucky seth; the memester; the goofy guy that is in all actuality, older than the majority of tfn, but treated like the younger brother. maybe, some of you see me as immature. maybe, you think im lying about my age, or that i really am just a happy fuckin guy.

i am happy, most of the time; so long as im distracted, working, partying, playing music, or helping my friends. but thats really all it is. i need to be busy, in order to forget how unhappy i find myself, sometimes.

that is, until now.

relationships are weird - hard to explain. but for me, finding someone i found complete comfort in became important, it became a blessing and i’m not even slightly religious. but that’s what this feels like.

as many of you know, i’m in a relationship now and maybe im just honeymooning, but by fuck im happy. i havent been able to find solace in quiet for over a decade, full self-acceptance in a lifetime, until i truly met him.

none of you have to know his name, or who he is. but it was in meeting him, someone so like myself with similar struggles and experiences, that i was able to realize that i can love myself. that i have the ability to be proud of who i fucking am, and that i can drop the fucking facade of happiness and actually be happy.

maybe it’s sappy.

sounds like it.

feels like it.

it is.

but it was in meeting him, that i learned to have real pride, with no lingering hate dancing around the back of my mind. it was in meeting him, that i learned to accept all aspects of myself and make sure everyone felt just as good as i do.

people like me have the ability to grow. they have the ability to overcome and learn from past mistakes. i was a horrible fucking person for the majority of my life. most of the people i knew wouldn’t even recognize who i am now. doesnt matter that i was a kid, or in college and overcoming grief and ingrained self-hate. i grew, i overcame. i found people that care about me, accept me for the man i am today.

i wish i met them sooner. i wish i’d listened to them sooner. maybe i could've avoided hurting people i hadn’t meant to hurt.

maybe i could’ve avoided hurting myself, for this long.

but im finally here and that feels good to say. i found happiness.

im happy.

- seth

youtube

ooc: * = links to the chapter, where seth goes more into detail with his college experiences, addiction, and past relationships.

#seth gordon #red rabbits pod #aftg #all for the game #BEYOND THE POD CHAPTER!#beyond the pod #rrp #chapter 2

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keepcalm-andbopon · 5 years ago

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Introducing us!!

Isabelle: @swiftie-isabelle

I’m Isabelle and I’m turning 14th in June 27! I would die for Taylor swift. I started listening to her when I was 3 and her music had comforted me ever since! She has had such a impact in my life and I’ve gotten so many amazing memories from her!

Victoria: @sinkanddroundswift

im victoria & i do nothing w my life except cry over taylor swift and not having a boyfriend . I do nothing ever except lay in bed and cry over every little detail. I eat too much food for my body. I like boys alot but they don’t like me. taylor swift claims she loves me multiple times but idk if I believe her yet. I love my cat shes a scottish fold. Beverly Hills, 90210 is my favorite tv show & High School Musical is my favorite movie. I also love grayson dolan more than I can comprehend. I have 0 friends so its me, myself, and I all the time.

Lily: @lilyadorestay

im lily and i do nothing with my life except cry over taylor swift, have people tell me to stop crying about taylor swift, and waste money on bucket hats :)

Sasha: @dropsmynamesasha

I’m sasha and I have a large obsession with food, cats and Taylor Swift

Katelyn: @redheadnamedkatelyn

I’m Katelyn and I’m 13! I don’t do anything in my life except for lacrosse and cheer and love Taylor swift. I have red hair, & Taylor Swift is my absolute best friend and my life wouldn’t be the same without her. And I owe so much to her. And basically I’m known as “the Taylor swift girl” at school so that’s kinda cool. Anyways The moral of this is I love Taylor swift!

Lexie: @drunkonswiftxo

I’m lexie, 18 years old. I have a very busy life actually, I compete in many different karate and martial arts competitions and was British Champion in 2016 with my sword and in October of this year I am competing in the World Martial Arts Games! Before any competition I usually get very nervous but listening to Taylor’s music calms me down (cringe ikr) but I wouldn’t be doing all of these if I didnt have a calming mechanism!

Natalia: @natalialovestaylor

hi! i’m natalia, i’m 15 and from the bay area. taylor has been in my life since i was 8 and i’ve been supporting her ever sense:) she makes me so happy, she’s like the sunlight in my life. i want her to know that i love her so much and i want to hug her and tell her thank you more than anything. 💗

Katie: @shapeofyouswift

hi i’m katie and i’m 16! i’m from ny and i went to all 3 metlife shows!! i’ve been seeing taylor in concert since the fearless era and i’ve seen her 11 times! i’m fortune to have met her 5 years ago at GMA and i was able to get a picture with her outside time 100 gala! taylor makes me so happy and has helped me through many rough times in my life as well as all of the happiest! i’m so thankful to have such a positive role model in my life!!

Meredith:

I’m Meredith and I love Taylor Swift more than words can describe:) I’ve been listening to Taylor since I was four and she has always been a big part of my life since then !! She inspires me everyday and makes my life so much brighter. I am so so proud of her and all that she has done!! Also, I love going to the beach and petting dogs🤩💓

Memphis: @taysmidnights

hi i’m memphis!! i play tennis and obsess over taylor swift! i’m from the beautiful state of california, and i love to surf! i first heard a ts song (You Belong With Me) in 2009, and i’ve loved taylor ever since. i am also a proud supporter of the LGBTQ+ community and have a passion for changing our world. oh, and i’m known as “that taylor swift fan” at my school, but i’m not complaining! 🧚🏼‍♀️

Brooke: @brookewhatyoumademedo

i’m brooke and i’m 14!! i live in cleveland, ohio along with some of my best friends i met through taylor!! i look a lot older than i am and it’s a good and bad thing haha. i used to play a lot of sports but i have decided to just stick with lacrosse!! i love music so much because it helps me with everything. taylor has been like my big sister since i was a baby and i��ve always looked up to her!! my stan song is stay stay stay because it always puts me in the best mood!! i love grey’s anatomy a little too much but i can’t help it. the show actually made me very interested in the medical field and as of now i want to be a pediatric neurosurgeon!! i also love volunteering and helping out my community as much as possible! and i like school which is kind of not something freshman say a lot haha. and that’s me!☀️🌸🦋💘💋

Paige: @taylorswift-paige

Hey! I’m Paige & I’m 21 (soon to be 22 😍). I live in Australia and I’ve been listening to Taylor since I was 9. The first time I saw Taylor perform live was at Speak Now and I was completely blown away, since then I’ve been lucky enough to see her perform 6 times. I’m so grateful that little me decided to listen to Taylor as I don’t know where I would be without her lyrics, music, and advice to guide me through life. Thankyou for everything Taylor, I love you so much and I’m so excited for the Lover era 💗😘

Skylar: @skylarswiftie13

Hey I’m Skylar and I’m 15!! I have been loving Taylor ever since I was 5 and I have (obviously) not stopped since. Other than obsessing over Taylor I loveee to run and watch friends and greys !! I have seen Taylor at the 1989 tour Detroit and Rep Detroit and they were hands down the BEST nights of my life and I def cried a TON hahah. I plan on going to Nash and either Chicago or Detroit for next tour! I absolutely cannot wait until the day that I get to wrap my arms around Taylor and thank her for everything she has done for me ahhh. I love you forever and always Taylor!! 🥰❤️🌈🦋✨☀️

@singitswiftie

Hi Taylor I’m ella and I’m turning 17 in August 12th! IM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW ALBUM! I just can wait to sing along to all of the songs🥰🥰 you are my absolute favorite human and you helped me with your songs! clean means THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD to me and I just relate to it on a personal level. Thank you for supporting lgbtqia+ always! YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD

Makayla @comebackbbehere

Hey T I’m Makayla!! I’m 13 and I’ve loved you since 2009!! My stan song is Come Back... Be Here not only because it’s amazing but because it has helped me through so so so SO much. It’s amazing how you can, with just a song, literally save someone’s life from spiraling downhill. So thank you. Thank you also, for inspiring so many people. Including me! You have inspired me to sing and write songs and songwriting is now a way I have learned to express myself and a way to help me get through the hard times. You have also inspired me to be more of an activist and speak up for what I believe in. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be a proud feminist or be as educated about the LGBTQ+ community!! In conclusion, thank you SO SO SO much for everything you do and just being the beautiful, amazing, inspiring person you are. I love you more than words can express and I can’t wait for August 23rd!!! ps: I really hope we can hug someday 💗

Bessie: @flyawayswift

Hey !! I’m Bessie, I’m 17 and I’m from the UK 🇬🇧!! I love to do Ballet and Tap dancing, but when it comes to Taylor’s music it’s generally just me doing crazy dad-dancing because I cannot stay calm during her songs. There’s aren’t many words which can sum up accurately how much I love Taylor or how grateful I am to have her in my life, but I love her to the moon and back 💛 I’ve been a swiftie for nearly 5 years, and have loved her music since I was 11. I’ve grown up with her as the big sister I never had, and my biggest dream EVER is to give her the biggest hug hehehe 💛💛

ana: @taysfavourite

hey!! i’m ana and i’m 14, i’m from the uk!! i love taylor (ofc) and i do gymnastics, i also love dance and stuff like that!! i am so thankful for taylor bringing me to some of my best friends!! (i’m always open for new friends btw) and yeah i love taylor!so!much! 💋💋💋

alex: @delicateswiftiez137

hi guys! i’m alex and i’m 14 years old. I live in illinois, and i’ve been a fan of taylor ever since I first heard love story and yblwm on the radio as a kid! my stan song is fearless because I love the message it portrays, but recently i’ve been OBESSED with the whole 1989 album because it’s a literal masterpiece! besides taylor related things, one hobby of mine is swimming! i’ve been a swimmer since I was about 2 years old! anyways, I hope you all have the best day! 🧁🌸🦋💗💋

Edith: @twinfiresignsswift

Hi, my name is Edith and I’m a 15 yr old from California! Anything related to cats is my ideal thing. I’m currently the mother of a tabby cat named Jagger who is very shy, grumpy, and introverted just like me, so the two of us get along very well 🥳 both of us are def party poopers. Anyway I enjoy art, especially watercolor! Initially I wanted to become an artist when I grew up, but I realized I would be poor asf, so now I want to major in biology and become some type of zoologist because animals are the best. In 2014, 5th grader me became obsessed with Blank Space and my life immediately changed from that day on. My favorite album is Speak Now because of how magical and well written it is. My 1 brain cell could never manage to write a whole masterpiece like that all by myself. And my stan song is You Are in Love!! It makes my heart go 💕💗💓 I am so incredibly grateful that I got to see Taylor for the first time ever on rep Pasadena night 1. It was the best day of my life :,) I know so many others do not have the same opportunities; I know how they feel, so I try to stay as humble as I can. I would be such a boring and sad person without Taylor and her amazing lyrics. She is such an amazing role model. Thank you for always being there for me, I will love you forever and always, and I am so excited to see what you have in stock❤️

Jess: @jessheartstaylor

hey!! I’m Jess and I’m 14, from the UK!! My stan song is begin again, I love it so much!! IM SO EXCITED FOR LOVER! I can’t wait to see what Taylor has in store for us!! I’m so thankful for Taylor as she’s such an incredible role model and idol to me, her music always cheers me up and she never fails to make me smile!! I love her so much- forever and always!! 💕💞💓💗💖💝

jordan: @fairytaleswift

hey taylor!! the thought of you scrolling all the way down and reading this right now is insane... all of us girls love you with everything inside of us. I have been supporting you for lucky number 13 years!!! I’ve been with you since 2006! I have been to Speak Now, Red, 1989 and Rep! I am so excited for Lover! It has been an honor watching you grow and become the amazing and strong woman you are today. I love you so much taylor... I hope we get to hug soon! 💗🌥🍭🦄🌩🌸🌈💐🦋💗💓🥰💅🏻🌥

Ravae: @vaelovestaytayswift

Hey I’m Ravae!! I’ve loved Taylor for as long as I can remember my sister has listened to her forever so I grew up listening to her!! Taylor inspires me everyday to be a better person and she’s a great role model. Her music helps me through the really rough times but also puts me in a better mood through the good times! I hope to meet you one day! Love you Tay🦋💞🌈💘🥺

Gracie: @inredlipsticks

Hey, Taylor! I’m Gracie and I’m 20 as of June 22nd. I’ve loved you since debut and my favorite album of all time is Fearless. I’ve been fortunate enough to see you four times and hopefully more on the lover tour 💗 along with Taylor, I also love Selena Gomez, Disney, and dogs!! 💗🦋🌸 The four most important things in my life.

Ella: @ellalovesswift

Hey! My name is Ella and I’m 17 years old. I’ve loved Taylor ever since the day my dad thought I needed my own music instead of just listening to his, this was when I was just seven years old and my dad bought me the fearless album and I fell in love with Love Story!! Ever since then I’ve never stopped loving Taylor! Other than her music, I’ve grown up with Taylor and every day she has inspired me to be a better person! My favourite songs are enchanted, better than revenge and dress! I’ve been to the red and reputation tours in Melbourne! Other than Taylor I am a swimmer. I swim a lot and it’s been a part of my life since before Taylor! I hope one day I can hug her and tell her how much she’s impacted my life! I will always stay, love you Tay 💗🦋💓🌸

bri: @briadorestay

hi t! my name is bri and i am 13 (turning 14 on august 19th) i have loved you since i was 5 years old and my stan songs are the archer, ciwyw, and you are in love. the soft songs🥺🥺 i love you so much and i hope you never stop doing what you’re doing because you are so inspiring!! i love u so much buddy! see you one day?🧚‍♀️☁️🌸💘🥺💗⭐️🕊

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g0dtier · 5 years ago

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like dont get me wrong this IS the art world so im still gonna be poor as fuck

but i just never really thought i could really contribute to anything like this because i was a really depressed autistic ADHD kid in high school and i never cared

but i started caring about art? really quickly when i got into the academy. i entered it with the idea that i just wanted to learn how to draw well so i could do comics but i fell in love with contemporary art within like half a year. one of the best teachers in my school even said i was gonna “make it a lot harder for myself” because i have the talent to draw well and make it through an illustration bachelors no problem but getting into contemporary art, especially as someone with ADHD and autism, is kind of a road block.

but i did it!! with the help of my fucking amazing teachers ive learned how to be more open about myself and my shortcomings and even my accomplishments, which is a lot harder. and they lead me to that, in the most gentle and caring way i can imagine possible. i will genuinely never forget the first time one of the teachers i thought hated me said that i didnt have to “fix” myself, i just had to accept myself and be open to who i am instead of trying to hide it between bureaucratic “oh, yknow, im not THAT bad, im not THAT depressed, im not THAT nonfunctional” shit. the first time she explained to me that its ok to feel “broken” and that its good to convey that feeling to the rest of the world in my art, even if 80% of the world doesnt know shit about contemporary art and wont get it, after i told her i WANTED to make art about this but i didnt dare to

i know a lot of people shit on contemporary art these days and i wont deny that theres a bunch of bad apples but i can 100% vouch that the people who work in contemporary art, at least the ones at my anarchist-as-fuck academy, are some of the most compassionate and empathetic people ive ever met and i am so, so grateful to have met all of them. i havent grown like this, as a person, in years and my classmates and teachers all make comments about how im growing like this. and they say theyre proud of me. and im proud of me. and im proud of all of them.

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wakasagayhime · 6 years ago

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very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult.

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly. but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after.

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017. the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame.

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day.

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself.

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you.

#glub glub #suicide //#self harm //#disordered eating //#rape //

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mangolesbian-archive · 5 years ago

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it’s weird how much i think about high school despite me barely remembering it bc of anxiety/depression. but every time i go on facebook or twitter and see the people i used to interact with on a daily basis, i just get reminded of it. because so much of my high school experience was me constantly comparing myself to other people and putting them on a pedestal, and then me trying to achieve such high expectations for myself or molding myself so that i can “””fit in””” to what i thought was a crowd i wanted to hang out with, i think along the way i really lost myself in the process. i mean sure, i still have some hobbies and behaviors from back in high school, but i feel like so much of what i consumed was in the name of performativity or appearing more “cultured” because damn, going to an arts high school really fucks your self esteem up like that.

and i know this is a topic i always revisit once in a while (some mutuals and friends might know this dlskfjsd) but idk, i think i just revisit it because it really didn’t allow me to live how i wanted to, for fear that i’d be looked down upon (i mean, i got some shit for never having seen star wars FRESHMAN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL, like jesus christ, give me a break!).

and i don’t think it’s a coincidence that a lot of my high school experience was met with comp het. i am so FUCKING embarrassed with how i handled all my “”crushes”” on boys good god. like, i think i lost a really good friendship over this and sometimes i wish i can go back and be like “SORRY I WAS JUST A CONFUSED LESBIAN THIS ENTIRE TIME” sigh

ne ways, i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m really glad that i’m living life more for myself than for the validation of other people. sure, there are some instances, where i do struggle with it, but i find myself less and less giving a shit about needing to watch this or that for the Validation^TM. and it’s so freeing!! and every time i doubt myself and think that i’m being too much for people, i have to remind myself that i’m doing this for the girl in high school who feel like she couldn’t. sometimes i wish i can go back and tell her that things are going to be okay, because she was in such a bad mental state and an even worse self-esteem back then, but all i can do is be proud of myself and how much i’ve grown and just remind myself that im in a better place mentally

#long post

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paper-mario-wiki · 7 years ago

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hey yo my interview with that university i was talking about is coming up in 9 hours. im kinda stressing but also kinda confident, which i think is a good combination of things to feel.

idk why but i feel the urge to post the statement of purpose i gave to them in my admission so here it is. i think i did a good job makin myself sound like a smarty who should be given a cool visa

it’s a little late, but lemme know if i sound too up-my-own-ass while also bearing in mind that i had to make myself look like a Good Student To Accept, ya kno

A pursual of higher education has always been something I’ve wanted to steer towards in my life. Although there are plenty of jobs and opportunities that would more likely benefit from experience rather than a degree, I’ve come to find that through plenty of meditation and intrapersonal thinking that spending time at a college would be beneficial for me. When I say this, I mean that I’ve spent the past several years asking myself the question “what would make me happy?” and almost always coming to two things: Learning a new language as well as tightening my grip on my native language. This, combined with a longstanding interest in Japan and its culture, has led me to ILA.

I, personally, am very interested in writing, mainly focusing in the aspects of comedy, as well as short, digestible ideas and thoughts (if given the choice, I’d much sooner pick up a book of trivia than an encyclopedia). For these reasons, my interest in Liberal Arts is mainly invested in that of Literature and English. Allowing someone’s ideas to come to life in the mind of a reader, whether they be short or long, is an incredible and versatile tool. Discovering rules, techniques, and cliches of the language I speak is what I want to give my time up to. The prospect of travelling to a place where people from a variety of unique backgrounds come to study things like this is incredibly exciting to think about. This, of course, leads me to my next point: what about Japan, specifically, is so enticing to me?

For a very long time, likely a decade (if not longer), I’ve been interested in Japan and the aspects of its culture and history. The idea of a society which, at face value, seems to be similar to that of the western society that I have grown up in, yet subverts all expectations with a new set of unspoken rules, is so interesting to me. I hesitate to say “mysterious” when describing it because there is little-to-no mystery about it. I’d like to make it clear that I’m not interested in Japan in the same way that a child would be interested in a carnival sideshow. My interest lies, rather, in the idea of exchanging one culture, with all of its flaws and imperfections, for another culture that comes with its own brew of guidelines and problems, while also gaining or losing each of their respective benefits. I’ve spent time in Japan before, in Higashiyodogawa,Osaka, as well as Nakamura, Nagoya. During my time there I found myself feeling more at ease with a place than I have in a long time, even more so than in my own home. I feel that if I am to truly see if Japan is the kind of place I’d like to spend a lot of my life, I’d need a more full, residential experience, rather than being limited by a 2-week vacation in a space that I couldn’t truly call “my own”.

Additionally, while I am already able to use resources available to me in the US (dictionaries, textbooks, online grammar guides, and everything in-between), I won’t ever truly have a holistic Japanese learning experience unless I’m in an environment that wouldn’t allow me to slip back into the comfort of my native tongue whenever I’m not actively pushing myself. Learning a language is an important part of understanding a society and, more importantly in my case, incorporating yourself into that society. If I am to, as I said, have a full residential experience, I will absolutely have to learn the language in a natural setting. I have the building blocks, as I’ve been studying casually for a little over a year. Now all I need are the blueprints.

Throughout this entire statement I’ve been focusing on why I’d like to study at ILA. Now, however, I would like to take a moment to cover why ILA might be interested in having me in its alumni. For starters, I’m a very motivated person and when I attach myself to something I keep at it until it’s done. If I can do something in fewer sittings, I will. That said, I’m not a sloppy person when it comes to my work. I’ve been told that I’m very articulate and that I have the ability to put across complex concepts in a comprehensive way. Several of my teachers from all across my schooling career have told me that I’m very well suited to discussions, and I have a very solid, and sometimes even elegant way with words.

I also have a knack for coming up with unique ideas and interesting perspectives on things, which I feel could really show well in writing, and it has before. Through a popular blogging website, I’ve accumulated a large quantity of people - a number in the tens of thousands - who follow my blog and enjoy my ideas. This blog, as a matter of fact, actually helped fund my original trip to Japan. Through two months of campaigning, as well as doing voice-over work (a hobby of mine) for commissions, I was able to raise $3,500, which I used to take the aforementioned two-week vacation to Osaka and Nagoya. The platform also creates larger discussions and furthers the fleshing-out of any single kernel of thought that I might plant within it. This is, more than anything else, because I want to make people happy.

While I’m not the kind of person who would likely be seen on the cover of a medical magazine being celebrated as the founder of some super-medicine that could prevent a major disease, nor would I likely be seen as the head of a major rocket science corporation, I’ve found that I can still help bring people joy through my words. On countless occasions people have told me that I help them get through the day with my positive messages and jokes. The messages I’m most proud of, however, come from those who contact me telling me that I’ve convinced them that life is worth living, and that they should keep on trying. In those moments I know that what I’m doing is truly beneficial to the rest of the world, and it makes me incredibly happy.

I have high hopes for a future that might be waiting for me at ILA. Understandably, I already think about what it would be like, and what interactions I might have there. I’ve never felt as excited as I am typing this for what kind of experiences would come to me in this kind of academic setting. I find myself periodically watching the videos on ILA’s YouTube channel and thinking about how wonderful that would be for me. This kind of leap for me is something I’m very passionate about and, through my words, I hope that I’ve been able to convince you that my mind and heart are in the right place. Even more than that, I hope that I’ve been able to competently and understandably explain how and why ILA should consider me for admission this coming fall.

#text #thank u

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