#i know im playing double standards right now

[noven-warsh]

thinking about how all of these scenes become 10x scarier when you swap the genders and consider how Denji's all alone with the people who SA him

[yuunnikko]

Saying Goodbye to My Mask event on project sekai may have been a premonition of having my own mental health tank to the same level as Mafuyu's because well. Let's just say. The depression. (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)

[lilioopdf]

selfishness and greed and entitlement and arrogance are just traits that don’t look good on anyone 😶😶

and especially not when you’re doing it in a way that demeans and puts down your team and your teammate (who, mind you, has been nothing but a team player, and nothing less than supportive of you, even when you’ve crashed him out and ruined his races multiple times).

hadjar told them to give him 2-3 more rounds, and then he stayed in his position until the end of the race, sat in pepe’s seat in the cooldown room, stood on his step of the podium, popped open a bottle of champagne that should’ve been his, all because he wanted to look like a good driver.

nevermind the fact that pepe got a 30s penalty after the race— he deserved to celebrate on the podium for his driving, and for the position that he RIGHTFULLY earned through his driving.

(im obv upset about the penalty considering that fact that pepe was already on his way to the pits when the vsc came out and that he just didnt make it in in time (tbh id debate this but i think what mattered more was that he got to celebrate the position he earned))

pepe has had insanely bad luck this entire season (hadjar being a part of his misfortunes), and for the first time in a long while, he has something going for him, and he has a chance to fight for something he deserves to have. and then hadjar goes and ruins it.

pepe is an insanely careful driver— this much has been clear since his F3 days. he has a very distinctively careful driving style, he’s mentioned in interviews that he likes doing things “the right way” and step-by-step, and his decision to manage his tyres does not mean that he is slow or incapable of passing drivers ahead of him.

hadjar had no right to be insulting and throwing out shady comments about pepe on radio, before asking for his position, and then refusing to give it back.

here are the radio excerpts from today’s race (the ones that were transcribed, at least.)

teams won’t want you if you’re not a team player, drivers won’t want to drive alongside you if you’re not a team player. drivers won’t help you find a seat because they don’t want you driving next to them, and you can bet that no teammate is ever going to want to help you out again.

pepe is sweet, and he he will probably never bitch about people online so i’ll do it for him right now.

firstly, why are there so many double standards?? when hadjar was screaming into his engineers radio after quali in barcelona no one to told him to shut up when they should’ve. that quali was his own doing.

pepe’s race here, was ruined because of hadjar. when hadjar wanted the position, the team let pepe decide if he wanted to give up position to give hadjar the chance to pass bortotleto, and pepe, being the sweetheart and team player that he is, let hadjar go forward only for that decision to backfire when hadjar didn’t give pepe his position back. and when he sarcastically says “thank you, thank you, thank you” at the end of the race, at a completely level volume, he’s the one that gets told to stay quiet??

(+ there’s also that paul and isack double standard issue that i won’t be touching upon but just know im unhappy about that too)

hadjar’s selfishness and pride has cost pepe his well-deserved celebration, but above all, severed his relationship with his teammate. his arrogance and ungratefulness for his team from his instagram caption on yesterdays post has also done nothing but show how egoistical he is to think that he can do no wrong.

i won’t say more because i haven’t slept in two days so i just want to go to bed now and wake up and pretend nothing happened, but i needed to get this out first because i don’t want to wake up angry or upset.

karma works in funny ways, and so does the universe. i’ll be watching and waiting to see how the rest of the season plays out for him.

[stuffyflowers]

Ok payback for last one I'm gonna pay you to yap now

Sans/Toriel, Ceroba/Alphys, Starlo/Dalv (Because I'm evil)

Oh, and Sona/Ceroba. I'll give you some respite after throwing in the one I know you hate :3c

Finally back from touching sand and playing with friends I can answer these

Sans and toriel is like staroba to me I honestly don’t care if it’s romantic or not I just think they’re so important to each other regardless of how you personally see em. So makes sense n compels me. Don’t have much more to say honestly no notes. um shoutout to that moment in the pacifist ending where sans steals her phone and pretends to be her im thinkin abt it again,, they’re so cute guys ]: )

Ceroba and alphys is the definition of makes no damn sense but compels me. Like the chances of either of them voluntarily being in the same room as each other for any amount of time is sooo unlikely but ‘women who project their self loathing onto each other bc they recognise their own faults and mistakes in them’ is my favourite ship dynamic right now it’s so good. Obviously alphyne and cerobas friendship with starlo is the healthiest outcome for each of them in their respective pacifist endings but what if they just made each other worse forever and ever actually 💖 Be each others outlet for their own guilt, drag each other further down into a self destructive pit, forever believing they are rotten to the core and no one could ever forgive or understand them… um!

🌽 yaoi booooooo 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅boooooooo🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅utdr fans we need to set higher yaoi standards there’s so much we could be cooking here but the one we’re latching onto is ‘guys who spoke to each other exactly once and have absolutely nothing interesting going on’ yaoi bc haha funny name + only (shippable) men in the main uty cast let’s be real here. Random thing that makes me lol when I think abt it is they’re literally standing as far away from each other as possible at all times in the one scene they’re actually in together like bros…….. there is nothing here. Sorry + no sense + not compelling + go ship starlo/el bailador or something instead im begging

Sonaroba obviously very similar boat to alphys and ceroba. My beloved trio of women who make mistakes that hurt people while trying to help/protect them. Sonaroba is even more interesting to me bc sona is essentially a worse-case-scenario ceroba: she never had that community to pull her out of her spiralling and grow as a person, she controls almost everyone. Staying this stagnant for as long as she has also means she’s even more stubborn than ceroba, too: ceroba is able to see the error in her thinking as soon as martlet is actually given the chance to reason with her, meanwhile sona in the imperfect endings doubles down on her initial perception of the monsters even when she acknowledges beforehand that she was wrong. She just can’t accept it. There’s so much to dig into 4 kcy. How would sona react to finding out what ceroba did, and how similar it is to her situation? Is there a mutual understanding that forms between them after they come clean to each other or does ceroba just become sonas scapegoat, “See? Monsters can’t be trusted! They will lie to and deceive you just to get what they want!” Would ceroba try to save her after the truth comes out by reasoning with her, even in the imperfect ending where she turns all of her friends into humans against their will?? What’s the limit for how far she’s willing to go to save a fucked up reflection of herself? Augh. Anyway. It’s a “kind of makes sense in the context of kissy cutie where the entire plot revolves around getting monsters to date frisks shitty racist aunt but probably not in any other context + COMPELS ME‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️”

[silent-sanctum]

First Times - Jotaro x Reader

so college has been kicking my ass these past few weeks but FINALLY i got this finished~ Yes I did the soft, intimate smut result from that poll i did a while ago because hey, if im about to debut myself as a smut writer, then might as well start slow ^^ everything after will be mostly rough :D. For now enjoy!

word count: 3.7k+

“And then? What did you do?”

“What that ass deserved- a good kick in the shins. Serves him right for eyeing me like a piece of meat.” You both chuckle at that.

Evenings were spent in bliss as you found yourself often ditching your little apartment room to have sleepovers over at Jotaro’s place when studies weren’t as hectic as a never-ending traffic of responsibilities.                         

Who could think of the troubles of school work when you are cozy sitting in-between your boyfriend’s legs with your back pressed against his chest, a can of beer in both of your hands as you two sat on the outside porch of his bedroom, hanging out in peace with slow R&B music playing in the background to help with the calm ambience. It was late at night, around 11 when most people now slept, helping minimize the noise outside the two’s peaceful bubble.

Beyond the four walls, the slow autumn breeze brushed past you but you couldn’t care less, not when you were dressed in one of his large shirts and customized gakuran. Aside from that those 2 articles, you didn’t wear anything below but standard “bra-and-panty” undergarments.

You turned to look at his closed eyes and the curl of his lips, likely enjoying the songs being played combined with you in his arms. One could see this rough delinquent and do a double take, unable to process how such “rude” and “aggressive” prick could be this… tranquil and blissfully happy.

Unable to help yourself, you pushed yourself up to plant a quick, soft kiss on his lips, startling the guy out of his trance. He blinked in surprise, faint pink dusting his cheeks. “All of a sudden?”

You pouted as you turned yourself around to wrap your arms around his neck, adjusting a bit so your legs bracketed his thighs. “Mm, can’t help it.” You huffed and peppered a few more featherlight kisses on his cheek, jaw, and throat. “You’re so adorable like this.”

Jotaro raised a brow in intrigue, his large hand coming to softly hold the small of your back to secure you on his lap. “Hm? Like what?” A quiet purr left you as he slowly caressed the length of your back.

“Like…,” You rose an index finger to boop him on the nose. “A big sleeping puppy.”

The delinquent scoffed, albeit with affection, returning your tiny gesture with a soft pinch of your flushed cheek that elicited a yelp from you. “You’re drunk, aren’t you?”

A playful whine as you swatted his shoulder. “You and I know very well that I have a high tolerance to alcohol,” you said as a matter of fact. “Besides, we only drank one can of beer tonight.” You shook your now-empty can to make a point. “I’m just naturally lovey-dovey around you.”

“Don’t need to remind me,” Jotaro said. “But I can’t escape from your annoying little clutches anymore.” He lightly flicked your forehead, to which you let out a surprised “ah” with both your hands coming to hold the area.

“Ya! That’s two fouls right there Kujo-ssi!” You quietly hissed, still pouting. “You can’t just pinch my cheeks and flick my head and not get away with it that easy.”

The raven-haired smirked, putting down his beer and leaning forward until his nose grazed yours. “And what are you going to do about it then, Y/N-san? Tell me.”

“I-I’ll wipe that smug expression of your face.” You fumed at the proximity of his lips near yours, your hands dropping to hold his shoulders. Warming up two-fold, you buried your face on the crook of his neck. “I hate when you smirk like that so close to me.”

Your boyfriend hummed and directed you to look back at him with a gentle tilt of his fingers under your chin, his thumb tracing the outline of your lips. As if on instinct, you sighed and parted them by a bit. “Feels nice when I get you flustered once in a while… is all.” He whispered, gaze hooded and focused.

“That’s my line, you ass,” you muttered back with equally hooded eyes, scoffing a bit before deciding to close the small gap between you two as you slotted your lips with his. A small moan left you as the delinquent leaned more onto the kiss, both his hands now gripping your waist just like your arms were around his neck.

You ignored the clank of your empty can against the mat as you two drew back by a few millimeters, gasping for air before drawing back to each other in a split second with the continuous slide of lips lasting longer than normal.

You felt his tongue prod your lower lip, and with much eagerness, you allowed it entry and yourself a more prolonged soft moan as the muscle met yours. Delightful tingles crept down your arms every time he moved- his hands coming to lightly grip the strands of your hair as he craved for more kisses after every breathless withdraw, the contented tiny purrs he made as you panted against his lips, the miniscule movement of his hips underneath your crotch, to which you unconsciously moved with.

What you would give just to feel this close to your lover every night. To give and receive kisses this much, to be in his strong arms holding you close to him-

Just then, you gasped at something prodding against the fabric of your underwear. You drew back after what felt like 15 minutes with a string of spit still connecting your tongues together. Both you and Jotaro’s eyes remained hooded, catching your breaths with foreheads leaning on each other as you slid your hands down to grasp his tank top.

You giggled. “Someone’s excited.” You took one glance at the area at the area between his legs and saw the prominent bulge hidden inside his pants. With one peck on his nose, you decided to tease him and trailed one hand down his body until it reached the tent.

He bit back a pleased groan as you began to caress him with slow and firm movements. He gripped your hips hard and said, “Y/N, I… I’m not sure if what I know is right…”

“But do you want to, love?” You mumbled, tracing the outline of his covered cock with the tip of your finger. With a single nod, you smiled. “We can take it slow. I’ll be the judge of your craft.”

“Fuck.” Jotaro held the back of your head to nudge you forward to kiss you hard again, immediately using his tongue to send you back into bliss with a muffled moan. You adjusted yourself a bit to wrap your legs around his waist, planting your crotch atop his bulge for you to start sliding against it.

At the same time, you shrugged off his uniform and dropped it to the floor, allowing him to roam your body with his hands, occasionally slipping them underneath the hem of your shirt to graze your warm skin.

Your boyfriend took the initiative to grab your thighs and stand without disconnecting the kiss. Beyond closed eyes, you heard a shimmer from behind you followed by the porch doors to slide close. 

Reaching his futon, Jotaro parted back for a moment to gently lower you on top of the sheets. In the next second, you surged forward to pull him back for another heated kiss. Eager, you wrapped your arms around his broad shoulders, letting your hands roam the expanse of his sturdy back until you pulled the hem of his top.

He pulled away, kneeling upright for enough time to remove his tank top and for you to slide your shirt off of you, and toss both to the side, before he leaned down to savor your kisses. Now, with the brush of his bare hard muscles on your soft skin, you couldn’t help but moan and arch your back to feel more of him on top of you.

From time to time, you lightly nudged him back only for you to pepper soft kisses on his eyes, nose, and cheeks. Returning your gesture, he leaned down to trail a couple open-mouth kisses from the corner of your lips down the line of your jaw, until he reached your ear.

There he whispered, “Tell me if I’m doing this wrong…” You gasped out a moan when you felt his teeth nibble the lobe of your ear, kissing it afterward before resuming his path down the column of your neck. You whimpered at the sensation of his lips nipping and sucking your skin, leaving his love marks on his precious canvas.

A sigh was what came next from you as your lover continued to press soft pecks down your collarbones and shoulders. When you felt his fingers glide down your side, you arched your back and allowed him to unhook your bra, slipping them off of you and adding it to the collection of discarded clothes.

A shiver ran throughout your now bare torso, contrasting the fuming warmth of your face and pinked areas of your skin. Jotaro sat back to look at you and you couldn’t help but hide your face behind your hands with a quiet whine. “Oh my god, stop staring. I’m still a bit conscious about… this.”

“Don’t overthink,” he simply said, lowering himself to mutter deep into your ear. “You’re perfect.”

Reassured, you heeded his words and nodded. With an amused huff and another press of his lips on your neck, you jolted as a hand came to hold your breast, lightly kneading it with special attention on your nipple. A string of tiny moans fled your throat as you kept arching, craving the delightful tingles of pleasure from his fondling and the kisses on your neck. 

You had your eyes closed the entire time, making the sudden kiss on your perky nipple much more surprising. Your initial yelp turned to a whimpered moan as your boyfriend focused on sucking the bud atop your breast, complete with the swirl of his tongue and the nip of his teeth.

You panted and squirmed under his touch as you grew wetter and wetter with every ministration, the heat in your belly coiling. It didn’t help either when his hand continued to fondle the other while he mouthed your now spit-slicked nipple.

He drew back with a quiet pop and repeated the same on the other side. You encouraged him to continue as you held his head against your chest.

Just as you neared your peak, he left your chest and continued his trail of kisses down the plane of your abdomen, below your belly button, until his lips grazed the garter of your panty. With his hands smoothing over your thighs, Jotaro took the time to look at you, asking for permission.

You couldn’t say anything, too eager and flustered to say something. Instead, you combed through his black curls, nodding once to give him your answer. Wasting no time, Jotaro slid the last of your clothing down your legs, adding it to the pile nearby.

This was it.

Your bare body exposed only for him to see, though the latter had his eyes trained on your pussy lips, as if he was fascinated, for him to see you as a whole. Not that it mattered. He’d take him time admiring you once he’s done with-

A sharp gasp came out of you when his finger traced over your folds with the same featherlight care, the tickling sensations making your breaths coming in short. Just then, you let out a loud moan in surprise, hips bucking up at the sudden contact of your lover’s mouth on your clit.

His low hums paired with the wet sounds of suckling and licking drove you crazy every second, the build-up of pleasure doubling than before. You whined every time you felt the drag of his tongue over the sensitive bundle of nerves in between your legs to savor in your leaking juices, the vibrations of his quiet sounds adding on top of it all.

“Fuck,” you gasped out squirming, unable to control your impending release. “F-Fuck Jota- Ah!”

Another startled moan echoed throughout his bedroom as one long finger prodded your wet hole, sliding inside a second later with no trouble. You felt it wriggle around, feeling the space around it as if to find something. Nevertheless, the movement alone was enough for your body to grow wetter to welcome its guest.

However, with one curl, you let out one, pitched sharp “ah!”. Through the slurping noise your boyfriend was making with your clit, you felt his mouth curl into a smile as he slowly drew his finger out of you, only to thrust into your heat abruptly in a second.

You widened your eyes and your jaw slackened with a silent scream, your hands gripping his hair tight and your hips bucking wildly, desperate for more. For that sweet release.

Jotaro never stopped tasting your pussy, tongue still lapping you clean, when he added a finger into your hole, followed by another a few seconds later, and with each entry, you just grew wetter and wetter to accommodate the three digits jabbing that sweet spot in you non-stop.

“I… I-I’m gonna… g-gonna- ahh ah ah!”

Like a snap, you offered a muted scream as your eyes rolled into the back, your head thrown back with your back arched, body convulsing to your orgasm.

He leaned back with his mouth and chin glistening, licking his lips as he finally took a look at your entire body- sweaty, flushed, and tinted reddish pink in some areas of your skin. But what really got to him was your expression. The way you had your eyes closed behind your sweat-plastered hair, lips ajar due to your post-orgasmic panting with a thin line of spit trailing from the corner, cheeks fuming warm.

You managed to croak out a whine, opening your eyes a bit to lock his hooded gaze with yours. When he still continued to stare, you decided to entice him with your arms raised towards him, beckoning him close as your hips swayed against the sheets. You whispered, “Come here.”

And Jotaro followed, promptly licking his lips before leaning down to slot his lips with yours messily to accompany the next round of open-mouthed kisses. You let out a quiet moan the second he pulled back for air, connecting back to you a millisecond later. You tangled your fingers through his curls, sliding them down until your arms wrapped around his broad shoulders, fingertips brushing his sweat-slicked skin.

With a gasp and a wet pop, your lover pulled back. The shuffling of clothes could be heard followed by a dull thud of fabric on fabric, and when you opened your eyes to see, you gaped at how toned his entire frame was. A solid wall of lean muscle, dipping down to reveal his erect cock with its red, leaking tip.

It was long and thick. And that made your hips jolt up and your hole gushing out, as if it had a mind of its own, wanting that erection in as soon as possible.

“Oh god,” you gasped as Jotaro pressed his forehead against yours, reaching down to stroke his cock before letting its engorged tip tap against your eager pussy and gliding its entire length over your clit. Waves of delightful tingling pleasure swept through you as your breath hitched with every slick thrust.

Just then, your boyfriend stroked himself again with some of its white pre-cum dripping onto your already-sensitive clitoris. As a response, you let out one tiny whine as you parted your legs and began rubbing yourself as means for him to hurry up.

Through his strokes, he reached for his pant pocket nearby with his other hand and fumbled around until he pulled out his wallet and took out a square foil.

Despite the mess that you became, you let out a breathless giggle out of fondness. Was he waiting for the time they’d do it all this time? For him to have a condom ready in his pants seemed to imply so. Jotaro ripped open the foil and immediately slid the covering over his cock.  

“Y/N...”

You met his gaze above you as he guided the tip towards your entrance, poking and prodding but never entering. A few teasing dips inside only to pull out shortly after. Your breaths came in hot pants with a mix of eagerness and nervousness. “I’m… putting it in.”

That whole thing. Inside me. Fuck. You locked your arms around his neck and nodded. “Be slow… please.”

He didn’t say anything in return but he took in your words as is and offered a nod. Finally, after what felt like forever, you felt the tip dip inside but this time, it continued further in.

A sharp hiss fled your lips as the slow yet wet drag of his thick length against your warm walls made you full in a way you never felt before. To make it better, you shared the sentiments with Jotaro, who had his eyes shut and his brows furrowed as he bit back his groans with every inch he slid inside.

You felt it continue further deep inside until his hips met yours, his cock completely sheathed inside you. He paused for a moment and leaned onto his elbows, cursing under his breath while you relished in your pants from how full you were with him in you.

It didn’t take long for your walls to accommodate the length inside, loosening itself as more of your juices leaked out of you. You cupped your boyfriend’s cheek and muttered, “You can move now.”

Jotaro took one good glimpse of your hooded eyes and pressed a light kiss on your forehead, before leaning back and drawing out his cock back with an audible wet sound that surely didn’t help your steadily growing pleasure calm down.

Once most of its length slid out of you with its tip still in, he thrusted back in with one sharp motion. You let out a silent scream followed by a string of whines and moans once he began to increase his pace with every thrust, the distinct fwop fwop fwop of his balls slapping against your ass plus the shlick of every rapid slide echoing throughout his room.

At this moment, all lucidity left your mind as you grew to become pliant and dazed from the accumulating pleasure coiling in your belly. Your eyes lost its focus, tears spilling out from it all, and your jaw remained slack leaving your lips open for every gasping moan that you made. Shameless, you locked your legs around his waist and synced your hips with his, wanting to chase your peak.

Your hands gripped the sheets beside you as your body moved along with every pound of his hips into you, your breasts bouncing from the movement. Seeing your tits move, Jotaro couldn’t resist missing the opportunity and dived to take one of your nipples into his mouth, suckling and nibbling on the bud again.

You loudly moaned into the space, arching your back to meet his lips, head tilted back as you became overwhelmed with so much sensation you were receiving. At this rate, you were going to cum in any minute.

Just as you thought of that, your boyfriend’s thrusts turned erratic and his breath grew laborious, grunting louder than before once he left your sensitive nipple alone. He was close. But so were you.

Your moans turned into desperate whimpers and prolonged whines. Hearing your pleas, Jotaro rose to meet you in a sloppy kiss with the mess of uncoordinated tongues exploring inside each other’s mouths. You combed through his sweaty hair with one hand, as the other crept its way down until it made contact with where your hole was stretched around his now-slicked cock.

You and Jotaro pulled back from the kiss with strings of spit still connected between your tongues. Through a blurry vision, you saw your boyfriend grit his teeth as he neared his release. “Jojo…” You whimpered as you slid your hand to your pussy and rubbed it as fast his thrusts. “Jojo I-I’m cumming-!”

You convulsed the second later, back arching sharpy, letting out the loudest moan you could have cried out as you began to shake from the intensity of your second orgasm. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, tongue lolling out unable to keep yourself in check.

Your lover slammed himself into you over and over again with no sense of rhythm present, and all you could do was let out weak whimpers as you began to feel overstimulated from his harsh thrusts. “F-Fuck I’m gonna-“

Through your sleepy haze, you uttered out a quiet and pitchy phrase, enough to send him off the edge. “Cum for me baby.”

As simple as that, Jotaro dropped his head onto the crook of your neck, groaning loudly into your shoulder as his hips slammed into you one more time before stilling inside, the warmth of his cum felt through the latex surface of the condom.

The noise from your first lovemaking simmered into a quiet panting of breaths, his and yours. While he still reeled from his first orgasm, you raked your fingers through his damp curls and held him close to you.

Sensing you, Jotaro took in a deep breath and pulled himself back together, albeit in a mess. He raised himself up until he found your lips, wanting to kiss them one last time with more gentleness than the ones prior.

Minutes later, he got up and eased himself out of your now puffy hole- making you hiss at the sensitive drag- discarded the cum-filled condom, and returned and adjusted both of your sweaty bodies until the two of you lay on your sides, spooning.

“How was it?” He uttered into your ear, traces of sleep beginning to kick in.

“Not bad,” you nuzzled your face into the pillow, closing your eyes wanting to sleep. “For a first timer.”

“You say it like you’ve done this with someone else before…”

You huffed and reached down to hold his hand that’s wrapped around your waist, securing you to him. “You’re my first, don’t worry you loving grump.”

Jotaro grumbled and buried his nose into the nape of your neck, eliciting a quiet giggle from you. “Just go to sleep.”

“No need to tell me twice.”

[schizosupport]

this is going to be very long and rambly, i apologize. you can answer any, all, or no parts of it, i guess i just really need to blurt it all out to *someone*

for the past 3 or 4 years, ive been having mild (?) transient stress related psychotic symptoms. i suspect i have a cluster b pd which could possibly cover that

at first it was mostly paranoia i think ? usually the standard "theyre out to get me" type thoughts, both with people i knew and nebulous entities i couldnt define. it doesnt happen too frequently, but it seems to have gotten worse with time. this past fall / winter was especially bad bc i was already doing poorly mental health wise and was very isolated. a lot of the thoughts are still paranoia based, but some lean more towards delusions now (e.g. being afraid of the music i left to play from my phone speakers bc i felt it was hunting me down) as well as some that are fully bizarre (e.g. believing that ive been an angel stuck inside a human body my whole life, thinking theres a force field around my apartment thats keeping me stuck inside). for a while there was also this... pervasive sense of unreality almost ? like i would get frustrated that things werent operating on dream logic, or have difficulty differentiating dreams and reality in general. for the past couple months since then, ive had pretty much no issues

i always retain Some grasp on reality, whether its full on double booking or a vague sense of "something is wrong with me right now", which is enough for me to hide away from people and try to calm myself down and ground myself back to reality (... can you even do that with "real" delusions ? talk yourself out of them ?). the symptoms only last a few hours "at their peak", though the unsteady / unreality feeling may stick around for days or weeks surrounding that. im still able to be mostly functional for that part though. as such, nobody knows about any of this.

i just. i dont know. i dont have a therapist (i need one). im too afraid telling my friends will change their views on me irreparably even though they too struggle with (other) deeply stigmatized mental health issues. ive spent a lot of my childhood being called insane and incapable and i dont want it to happen again after ive finally found people that respect me. im worried ill have a full on psychotic break at some point (what the hell counts as "a break" ? can i call what ive been through "episodes" ?), or lose my ability to double book, or display symptoms in front of people i know. i just dont know what to do so im. spilling it out all here. so someone at all besides me knows

-- elias

Hey there,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you are experiencing some level of psychotic symtoms, and it sounds like it's causing you significant distress. You asked whether you can "talk yourself out of" a "real delusion" - and well, not as such, until the delusion passes, but they can be more or less long-lived and come with more or less insight.

The types of episode that only last a couple hours at full intensity are sometimes referred to as micropsychoses. When people talk about "a psychotic episode" it usually refers to a prolonged loss of reality that may last days, weeks or even months. But plenty of people on the schizo- and psychosis spectrum don't experience full-blown psychotic episodes. That doesn't make their psychosis un-serious, and it also isn't a given that these people will go on to develop worse psychotic symptoms.

I think one of the reasons the diagnosis of schizotypal exists, is because we needed to acknowledge that not every person's endpoint on the schizo-spectrum is schizophrenia, but that doesn't mean that their experience doesn't come with distress or disability.

I think you could try to do a vibe check with your friends to see how they react to the concept of psychosis and psychotic disorders. If they seem cool, then you could try to bring up your own experiences. It might be nice to be able to talk about those things, and get to experience that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and not everyone will judge you for it.

I hope you all the best, anon!!

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

i like your writings on gold star lesbian experience. it is so isolating, we are so alienated all our lives and then non-gold stars accuse us of being privileged.

i also tried to convince myself im heterosexual and capable of being attracted to men like u. i would try to imagine myself in a heterosexual romance and tell myself it could be okay. but even the sight of a man in a photo would make it too real for me, let alone the thought of physically interacting with him. so i cant really understand how non gold stars can do any of that. its one thing to think you may be ok with it, but the reality of a male is so diffierent.

even though i never once spoke of being attracted to women everyone throughout school was able to pick up on my disinterst in men and treat me as a freak because of it.

i dont care if the non gs want to talk about their experiences. right now i dont even care if they call themselves lesbians bisexuals pansexuals, whatever. but when they accuse us of being obsessed with sexual purity, or being privileged it makes me feel so furious at them.

i dont understand their double standards. they will say that not sleeping with men and everyone assuming theyre a ugly dyke was so hard, thats why they had to sleep with men. but at the same time they are also claiming that us women who didnt do that are privileged? how can both be true? we endured what u said was too difficult for u? but that makes us more privileged?

its so disgusting. i dont want to say anything and stir the pot because i know 9/10 people are non gold stars. i should swallow my discomfort and take care of everyones trauma. what about my voice?

i have pride in what i am but i am also tired of this. sorry this became more long than i wanted. but ur voice is much appreciated. thank u

Hi anon!

Never apologize for speaking up! You asked "what about my voice", well I want to hear it and other gold stars do too. The isolation and alienation we feel can be so painful, every time one of us speaks it makes things a little bit better because it reminds us that we're not alone :)

Their arguments make no sense, I agree. It's part victimization contest, part silencing us because they know that if we share our experiences, it will be obvious to everyone that they're not lesbians.

And I completely relate to keeping your mouth shut and playing free therapist for the fakebians (who will then tell us to shut up because our lives trigger them). They say that we're the ones destroying lesbian community and creating drama, but I'd argue that accepting fakebians was the first step of the very slippery slope that led us to "sexuality is fluid", "sexuality is a political choice", "non-men loving non-men", men identifying as lesbians, and actual lesbians being bullied even within the community. How absurd is it that we're harassed into silence by "lesbians" for never having touched a dick consensually and never wanting to?

I truly hope that breaking the silence will motivate us to be free from all that guilt-tripping and create a real lesbian movement :)

[void-draws]

Hello! I wanted to request a fanfic but you have every right not to write it. I would like a fanfic with TFA Blurr where the reader is having a hard day and Blurr decides to help him.

You couldn't help but feel quite down today. To be fair, it would be difficult not to be, considering how your day was. You showed up to late for work, because your alarm didn't go off and additionally, there was traffic jam on every possible way to your workplace. When you had finally arrived, your manager yelled at you for about half an hour about how you couldn't come so late and not even call to notify them that you would be a few hours late. Not only had you forgotten to call, but due to the stress, you had also forgotten your phone. Now, you couldn't even use it during the break to play on it, call or even text anyone. The rest of your day wasn't better either, you were smothered with work, due to the upcoming holidays. Your manager had also decided to use your break as a meeting instead, using you being late as an excuse to justify this decision. You had mentally cursed him for that, it's not like it was the first time he used your break like this either, but you had somehow managed to stay calm, you need this job afterall. On top of everything, your manager had been passive aggressive to you for the whole meeting...

You collapse on your bed inside of the autobot base, letting yourself sink into the soft mattres below you. You relax and look out of the window, it's already dark outside and you've just gotten back from work, what a waste of what could have been a good day.. Sounds of quick footsteps approaching your room can be heard. A voice, rambling, almost talking too quickly to even decipher the words "Ah, you're finally back. I have been trying to contact you all day! I wanted to inform you that we have made great process in uncovering the decepticon double agent-" The voice suddenly pauses, which you now realise is the voice of the bot Blurr. Blurr gives you a concerned look "What happened? Are you alright? You know you can talk to me." You mustered up the strength to bring your tired body into a sitting position, then you answer him "Im alright, I only had a bad day at work." You kind of regret answering blurr's question, as the bot starts to bombard you with questions, you can't even decipher what he just asked, but you can make out the last phrase. "..Do you even want to talk about it, or would you rather rest?" You think about his question for a short while, before answering "I'd like to take a rest. ... Could you tuck me away?" Blurr gives you a quick nod "Of course, I will do that if it makes you feel better."

Not so long ago, you had been completly oblivious of the culture of cybertronians, where they'd safely swallow their smaller companions and friends whole for various reasons, like comfort, safety of the prey, to simply bond with eachother and more. You were first introduced to the concept once blurr moved into the autobot base. At first, it sounded weird and terrifying to you, but slowly you had warmed up to the idea when seeing how well the prey was treated by the autobots. The first time was a little scary, due the unfamiliarity of the whole thing, however you had quickly discovered how nice it was. The warmth, the softness and the comfort of being as close as you can possibly be with your friend. It became a common thing with you and Blurr once you two got to know eachother, even if you can't always tell what he is rambling to you about, it is nice to know, that the bot won't forget you when you're tucked away inside his core.

Blurr gently picks your aching body up, lifting you off the bed and over his intake. He is suprisingly slow for his standards, in order not to hurt you. Carefully lowering your feet inside his jaws and slowly, however rythmicly gulping you down. You can see and feel your feet, then your legs and after that, your torso dissapear into his tight, but soft throat. You relax as Blurr works on gulping your body down, even though it's tight for you, it feels quite nice, almost like a massage from all around you. A few seconds pass, until you are gently pushed inside a larger space. Blurr's fuel tank. The soft walls are kneading at your small form as you comfortably settle inside. You lean back at close your eyes, the sound of his steady sparkbeat lulling you to sleep.

[theladyofbloodshed]



hi!! I already know how you pretty much feel about Rhys, but I want to know what you feel about Tamlin? I find it pretty amusing how the fandom treats the two characters.

Rhys can do pretty much all bad things due to trauma and his love for Feyre, but Tamlin cannot do bad things due to trauma and his love for Feyre. (not trying to excuse him but trying to make a point lol)

Here are some double standards that I can think of right now

~ Locking Feyre up: If Velaris wasn't shielded I doubt Rhys would allow her to walk freely and not to mention once she met with the IC she always had "sentries" with her (cough IC cough) AND the fact Rhys is constantly in her head.

~ Working with Amarantha. Rhys did that to protect Velaris and IC just like Tamlin allied with Hybern to protect (& get Feyre back).

Rhys did more damage to Pythian allying with Amarantha than Tamlin did with Hybern.

~ Rhys would kill Nesta and Elain in a heartbeat to protect Feyre. But Tamlin "selling them out" is evil

Im sure there are more, but these are the ones I can think of right now :)

Stans will bend over backwards to excuse his actions and it's just weird tbh.

Rhys is constantly invading her privacy. Feyre tells him to leave when she wants to speak to Nesta in the tavern, but he is still in her head. He puts a shield around her when pregnant because he's "protective", but like she's in a very safe city around your closest friends? Then has no problem showing her off in the Hewn City when she was heavily pregnant and half naked.

I liked Tamlin in the first book (granted, I preferred Lucien and wondered why Feyre wasn't on her knees begging him for a taste). I went into it knowing it was a BatB retelling so he was supposed to be a beast. Even though there was a curse that meant he needed to fall in love with her, I found his attempts at befriending her to be genuine. Playing the fiddle whilst she danced, writing her poetry to help her learn new words, offering to help her read etc.

There were times when he was as protective as Rhys, but it was when a) she was mortal b) didn't listen to warnings and actively put herself into danger. Rhys puts her into danger to make her collect a ring and try to use her powers, but then is overprotective when it's not called for.

I blame Rhys/SJM/Feyre for the assassination of his character. Rhys and Amarantha contributed to his paranoia and fear for Feyre's life. Of course, he would not believe that Feyre had really written him a note that she was staying with the NC because a) rhys is his enemy b) he watched feyre drugged and SA by him every night c) she can't read d) they had never actually had a conversation about her not being happy in the relationship.

Rhys is heralded as progressive and wonderful for making Feyre his high lady. Tamlin is vilified because he didn't. Feyre seems to forget that she once told him that she wouldn't want to be high lady when he tells her it doesn't exist. Feyre says she wouldn't want to be the wife of a high lord producing little heirs and then proceeded to do exactly that within 2 years of meeting Rhys (when he was SA her). Feyre changes her mind and is angry with Tamlin. As if it's his fault that there had never been a high lady before and Feyre didn't want to be it anyway.

He gets blamed for Nesta and Elain being turned. When you try to blame feysand, it's not their fault, it's all Ianthe's fault. So why is it Tamlin's fault that Feyre told Ianthe all of the information about her sisters and brought the Illyrians to their home? Rhys is the one who promised E&N that there would be round the clock guards to keep them safe. But it's not their fault!!!! It's Tamlin's fault!!

I feel sorry for him tbh. He could have not helped them in Hybern's camp, he could have not given his drop of power to bring rhys back to life. But he did those things because he cared for feyre and wanted her to be happy. Rhys didn't bother letting tamlin know that Ianthe was nefarious when she wheedled her way into an unstable Spring Court where there was a traumatised high lord and his potential mate, but he likes to go there and kick Tamlin when he's down because he's just an ass.

[winterrhayle]

it is time for you to rank midnights if you haven’t already (i feel like midnights is such a you album ykwim i can imagine you listening to it on a rainy day it has your vibes)

LOLL TY it's 8th in my album ranking but i still love it sm

dear reader - idk what it is with this song but it's so addictive,, whenever i listen to it something comes over me and suddenly i can't focus on anything else

labyrinth - it reminds me sm of the archer (in the way it's produced) and it's just such a nice song to listen to with all the lights off just sitting on my bed

sweet nothing - U KNOW THE PART WHERE SHES LIKE ooooooOoooOOOOooh i FELT THAT

karma - karma is a CAT fr (this is literally the sacred text)

wouldve couldve shouldve - as a speak now stan this song BROKE ME. THE RELIGIOUS IMAGERY AND DIRECT DEAR JOHN / OURS / SUPERMAN ETC ETC ETC REFERENCES?????????? GN

bigger than the whole sky -

maroon - ohhh when her voice goes all deep at 2:58 seconds im hhhhajhflhsdgfl blushing,,, also im obsessed with the red album refs too

you're on your own kid - THEEE MOST ERAS SONG (yoyok 🤝🏽 long live). it has such a nostalgic feel but also its always so interesting to see specifics that only apply to taylor ahhhhhgdfsdfghfdsasdfg

lavendar haze - omg i remember when i first heard this song on october 21st at 5am (thats when midnights was released in my timezone😭) i pressed play and heard the intro and meet me at midnights and i was literally SHAKING like omg

snow on the beach - ohh this song makes me feel like im watching the ocean,,, my fave part is when its like 'can this be a real thing can it *ocean wave sound* are we falling like *BEAT DROP(?)) SNOWW AT THE BEACH'

you're losing me - RIP TOE boy girl (i live an hour outside of london but whatever its close enough)

anti hero - when she made the snake hissing sound when she said 'everybody agreeeessssssSSSSSS' it was giving big reputation biiiig reputation ooh you and me we got a biig reputation ahhh

the great war - this song is so upsetting bc they did not in fact win the great war😭 also this song has big afterglow vibes i love that

midnight rain - ok the james charles sounding parts def had to grow on me and i love it now. also im a midnight rain is about taylor lautner truther but ik most people think its about tom hiddleston (theyre probably right but what can i say im a delusional girl)

paris - THIS ONE IS SO FUN TO ACT OUT WHILE IM ON WALKS LMAOOO I WAS MOUTHING THE LYRICS REALLY AGGRESSIVELY WHEN I WAS WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL AND THIS OLD MAN PULLED OVER AND ASKED IF I WAS OKAYYY☠️ I HAD TO TELL HIM THAT I HAD AIRPODS IN BUT I PROBABLY LOOKED SO WEIRD LOL

glitch - underrated bop fr. i remember when midnights first was released i would play the whole album on repeat for WEEKS and while i was lying in bed trying to fall asleep it was still playing through my speaker,,, and that one part of glitch where its like 'just dance....' and then suddenly she was like 'GLITCH' my soul always exited my body omg

question...? - can i ask you a question?????? are we out of the woods yet????????? loveveveveveev the 1989 vibes on this one

mastermind - i hated this one at first ngl but i like it now!!!!!!!!! its a perfect album closer for the standard edition and i lovveveve the contrast it has with the 3am closer dear reader

bejewelled (lolll my autocorrect made it a double l bc thats how u spell it here) - he didnt let her bejwelled😔 i love this song but something about the production seems incomplete? idk what it is though

vigilante shhhhh - this song is so camp LMAOOO

high infidelity - ok this is actually my least favourite taylor song ever i really dont like it😭 its boring idk,, i like the april 29th part i guess

sooo thats all pls dont hate me😜😍😘💕

[fearowkenya]

Ocean Wave, Part 2: A Winding Current

“I was curious.” Dracmon fidgets idly with the little golden loop near the spike on his right wing. “Somethin’ about you drew me in… and I couldn’t walk away. When we fought together, it felt right. More right than anything I’ve ever, ever felt. And now… I just want to be with you.” Dracmon wasn't always by Kaito's side. Which begs the question: part 1 - footprints in the sand Who was he, before the arrival of his other half? part 2 - a winding current And what was he doing, on that fateful day?

Part 2 covers the moment that Dracmon and Kaito met for the first time. once again, tumblr dot shit hides posts with external links in tags, so the ao3 link is in the source.

EDIT: fixed formatting on ao3 - indentation on mobile should look better now. extended authors notes under cut!

SO there was a TON of ideas that went into part 2, mostly stemming from, as i've mentioned, me being mad that kaito and dracmon were the only ones not to get a fancy champion evo sequence on-screen. i said in my authors note on ao3 that as i was playing, i just assumed it happened off-screen, but then i asked myself "what if it didnt?" and the answer i came up with was "maybe dracmon could already innately reach champion" and then i worked backwards from there.

next - aesthetic changes to dracmon. i am a HUGE sucker for digimon being matchies with their partner. before dracmon met kaito, i think all of his eyes were red, both the ones on his face and the ones on his hands, and the ones that are green only became that way after meeting kaito and devolving from sangloupmon. it's kind of like in tamers when beelzemon's eyes change colour after he makes amends with his partners. i also made changes to the accessory situation - after meeting kaito, instead of the little chain with the green gem in the middle, dracmon would have piercings on his wingtips that are the same shape and on the same side as kaito's. i have like... a written list of all aesthetic changes across all stages for all the partner digimon at this point (except for renamon and gabumon - still thinking about those ones) so i will accept any invitation to blabber about them! i LOVE that shit, i cannot emphasize that enough!!

formatting this time was a little less intense - i only had one table i needed to work with, and tbh, most of my formatting issues were about indentation. im actually not really a fan of the standard ao3 formatting patterns, where there's double spacing after each paragraph and no indentation. i much much prefer how it is in most novels, where there's no double spacing and every paragraph is indented. i know people tend to be fussy about formatting in fics, and most of the ones ive seen use the double-spacing no-indenting situation. it's understandable, formatting is something i'm fussy about as well, so im trying to strike a balance between the way i like it and the way i've noticed that most others like it.

i like indenting. i use it to like... give a sense of flow to conversations and/or differentiate/shift between spoken word and narration. the vibe im trying to give when i increase indentation from line to line is that the conversation speed is picking up. im not sure how well that was conveyed, but i think it works all right.

once again, like in alligators, i left some deliberate loose ends. the most obvious one is "if that first tether pulling dracmon toward the ocean wasn't kaito, then what was it?" and listen. dont even worry about it (:

as im replaying the game, im noticing some really interesting stuff about the state of the digital world. in like...part 7, i think, there's an optional free time event where you can recruit a tentomon, and it mentions that a lot of other digimon have been behaving aggressively lately. paired with the fog, i think that what's happening is that the shrinking digital world is causing a lot of digimon to have to live in close quarters, and that a lot of them are "young" in the sense that they're still feral and incapable of speech or reason. that, plus the continuous spread of the fog, would make for a really hostile environment for the remaining areas of the world. im quite happy with the theory i've got that digimon might sometimes lose a bit of memory every time they regenerate. if you subscribe to that idea, the unusual aggression among the wild digimon makes a lot of sense - they're all young, they all keep getting exploded and forgetting what's going on, theres this terrifying fucking fog EVERYWHERE, which just feeds back into wild digimon being more on-edge, and therefore more aggressive. thats why tsumemon is a little unsure of hanging out with koromon at first in part 1 - it's a dangerous world for little guys!

this is kinda connected to why i have the digimon half of the cast crossing paths with one another. tsumemon and koromon have met, yeah, (even though they don't remember anymore) but also i think a few of the other characters have met too. i didn't linger on it, but kunemon was in part one of ocean wave , albeit very briefly, trying to warn dracmon about seadramon lol. Now Why Would He Do That? again. don't worry about it (:

and at last - what's next? i mentioned in another text post a few days ago that ideally id like to go back to some shuuji and lopmon stuff. ocean wave set up some context about a couple of things i want to explore about shuuji and lopmon's relationship, as well as some . hmm. alternate events. and what effect those alternate events have on the two of them. "what do you mean" dont worry (: mostly it is just me self-indulgently fixing a few gripes i had with truthful route's part 6. i'd also at some point like to post some doodles of aesthetic changes. i have a few sketched out but they're very messy lol

anyway wow this was a big ol comment post. thanks for reading this far !!

[poraphia]

Because he didn't. If you took the time to watch that part of the video you'd know that whole section was just about showing how there's a huge double standard at play. He didn't just show Phil because of Kristin, it was also done because Phil made friends with Tommy when he was a minor. He also mentioned Wilbur, who started interacting with Tommy when Tommy was only 15-16 and he was 23, and a bunch of his other friends that were in the exact same creator circle as him.

People are just taking that bit out of context because the photos that were on screen were of Phil and Kristin, then Pewdiepie. He didn't even talk about their relationships at all, just said their names.

Hate the guy all you want, absolutely go for it, he's super cringe and has a big ego, but maybe it's not a great idea to be spreading around opinions you saw on twitter about something you haven't seen? There are actual victims in this case, people that got dragged into it unfairly and used by others in horrible ways and now have to pay the price for a really long time.

kind of glad i got this anon clarifying everything. but yeah, i agree and youre right. im sorry for making assumptions based on things i saw on twitter. obviously im not all that informed on the situation, but after seeing multiple posts about kristen and phil, obviously that striked something for me because frankly they shouldnt have been dragged in just by association.

the correlation between him speaking to fans (who are presumed minors) compared to the people on the internet who have had successful internet relationships (Whether platonic or romantic) through between fan interaction and content creator though was just so.. irking. i see where the play was at, but honestly, the comparison couldnt be anymore far off if we're literally talking about the degree he was accused of

content creators can interact with fans, but it should never be taken to the degree dream was accused or whether that person was a minor or not, whether the evidence is fake or not. everyone can mutually agree this is fucked and lowk im getting really tired of dream getting into a new controversy every two to three business days

but thank you for explaining it anon. i appreciate it

[quanonthecob]

osu! diary, 3rd december 2022

so i've been grinding osu! quite a lot during the past week, when i definitely should have studied more, especially when mid-terms are coming up, in fact, i have one tomorrow morning, but i'm here writing this lol

also i titled this "diary", but this is probably a one-time thing, like yeah yeah, diary in vnese is nhật ký, and nhật (meaning "day") implies the daily aspect of it, but hey, i can't be bothered to write sth daily, not like i have enough ability or linguistic skills to write so much ._.

so yeah, like i've said before, i've been grinding a lot recently. specifically, this is the graph showing the number of plays in the past year

November: 175 plays

December: 59 plays (keep in mind we're only 3 days in)

so yep, the future's not looking so bright LOL

the main reason why im playing so much is because i've got a new laptop, so i'm kinda abusing the storage and specs upgrade from my last laptop

and... on the topic of storage, here we have the amount of storage i've spent for storing the beatmaps

i feel fortunate because i'm currently only into play osu!standard, and not other game modes as well, because god knows how much more storage it's gonna take up

but yeah the first few days when i first installed the game, i mass downloaded the beatmaps. i just looked up some popular artists and download all the beatmaps of the songs that i know. to the point that osu literally temporarily blocked me from downloading any more beatmaps 💀💀💀 they quite literally shouted at my face that i need to stop downloading maps and play more...

of course, after playing for a bit and waited until the next day, i could download more beatmaps again 😈 so as of now, we end up with

...

i have no idea if i'm gonna be able to play all of them. obviously there are also beatmaps from other game modes, and there are 6-star, 7-star beatmaps which i don't think i'm gonna ever have enough skills to play them. i might need to filter them out sometime, for now i can't be bothered to do that, especially when they don't take up that much space in my hard disk.

there's kinda one problem tho, it's when i try to press the Z and X keys on this laptop, but it's a membrane keyboard, and this laptop also happens to be really slim too, so pressing the keys down feels very shallow. i find it really annoying at first typing on this keyboard, still does now, but im more used to the feels. but yeah, it feels kinda weird having to spam these two buttons playing osu!, and since the laptop in general is so fragile, i always feel like i'm damaging the keys somehow. so i might get specialised keycaps just for this game idk (if i do, that would be extremely concerning actually)

~~~~~

and so the grinding starts, i played some maps that i used to love playing on my old laptop, also tried out some new maps, most of them are songs that i'm already familiar with, so i tend to not have a lot of problem with the rhythms

one of the really good songs that i've downloaded and have played recently is lily allen's fuck you. honestly, the song itself is amazing. the beatmap, well, it's a little bit slow, so i had to do put some mods in, specifically HR - hard rock, making the circles smaller and faster and DT - double time, increase the speed of the song and the beatmap by 1.5 times i think (yeah i know it says double but that's how the mod works ig)

honestly that was pretty challenging to me already, especially when the tempo of the song is 1.5 times faster. but it also pays off with a good amount of pp (let me stop you horny mfs right there, it's performance points) and rank, and ofc had quite a bit of fun playing it, and a bunch of adrenaline as well.

another beatmap is sesame street's cookie butter choco cookie, it's basically ppap, but for kids

honestly i'm still wondering how is this a thing, like, look at this

セサミストリート：ピコ太郎、エルモとクッキーモンスターの CBCC （Cookie-Butter-Choco-Cookie) - YouTube

the beatmap was just the first minute when elmo and cookie monster was singing. there are also quite a lot of difficulties to choose from, so i just played a lot of that song, not to mention because i'm also kinda grinding for stats, and i tried a difficulty that's a bit harder for me, so yeah just imagine having elmo and cookie monster "awh" harmoniously in your ear three times each time the song plays and have that repeat for about 15-20 minutes...

truly traumatised

it kinda pays off tho, i got a 2nd highest on my PB leaderboard, and im now in the 600k (ofc, not a lot, but still sth)

i enjoyed it a lot, i've always loved rhythm games, and osu! is an awesome game, despite it's clearly contributing to my highly likely, upcoming dramatic academic downfall, but hey, circle clicking game is fun, you can't blame me alright?

[nathank77]

8/5/24

9:34 a.m Added to/Edited 9:52 a.m

The only thing I can think of are the commonalities with the two nights that I had to double up to sleep:

1) I had 2 Red Bulls.

2) Both days were a game day where I did nothing but game. I gamed for like 8-10 hours yesterday. The day before my dad's house I gamed for like 8 hours at least.

3) Having a little caffeine after 5 p.m

Other than that there aren't other commonalities. I didnt even shower both of those days cause I showered the day before my dad's and the night I came home from dad's.

I didn't even make a phone call or run an errand or anything. I relaxed. I relaxed and played Minecraft both days and played my heart out. I mean that's all I can say.

I slept fine the night I came home from my fathers on the standard dose but I was outside. I was social. I showered. I exposed myself to sunlight. Although the half was so thick it must have been a .7 or a .8....

Last night it was probably a .6 or .7. The night before my dad's I mean it was 1.5 by the time I fell asleep.

Was it bc I didn't do anything but game and I drank two Red Bulls? I mean I've had many red Bull days Aka 24 ounces of red Bulls.. and fell sleep on the standard dose.

I had anxiety last night cause I could only take 1, 50 mg of CBD cause I only had one more gummie left. Im getting them today.

Today I'm feeling really depressed, I don't have many things on my list of things to do. Shave my face/Head idk If I'm going to do it. I'll likely shower.

Part of me wants to bring the clear bin by my game stack up to the attic despite it being empty mostly. It only has my uhart target bag in it and 2 shirts I don't like much. I wanted to fill it but I'm sick of it taking up space in my room. I can always bring stuff upstairs and fill it.

I was also planning to "set up" both Macbooks. One is purely professional and is set up. The other I want to hook my fb to and Instagram bc it's my "gaming/fun" macbook.

I'm meeting with Erin today. I'd do laundry but I'm going to wait until later this week.

This whole week I barely have anything to do but therapy Tuesday and thursday. I have nothing to be anxious about. I know I was anxious about my cbd.

I am anxious about my uti... but I'm coping. I honestly just want to watch TV. I used to have TV days but now that my gamers burn out has been cured every day I can relax I just game.

Idk ill eventually get out of the rut and at least shower.

I still got to figure out what to do with the mouse deodorant and stuff...

I also got to finish putting my shreddables in bins but I'm absolutely not doing that today.

I got to try to be active. I just feel depressed cause I had my eyes closed for a long time and couldn't sleep... and then I don't want to buy cbd but it def helped with my panic attacks...

I def had some microsleep flashbacks last night and the night before my dad's. Rapid eye movement nervousness about it being fucked up and not working right/not being in alignment.

I mean I bought 100mg a day of CBD again.... I want to go down to 50 but my brain is like take 100mg fuck the money... and I used to not even be able to think about the word panic without having heart palpitations.... so it's hard to decide not to buy it.

I also notice white on my inner cheeks could be From SLS and my cheek healing now that I removed it... or could be a yeast infection, when I have my psychical I'm going to ask to get tested for yeast again as my tongue is still black hairy tongue that is insanely clean bc I scrap it twice a day... but with the white on inner cheeks if it doesn't clear up, it could be yeast or a sign of cancer...

I'm just wondering why I'm trying so hard. Part of me is like go to prime house despite knowing I won't meet anyone there anyways.

Another thing that is getting to me is my ac is slowly shitting the bed and I can afford to put it on the new credit line... I mean not if I want to get a bed... but I feel I may have to spring the cash from the new credit line cause it really is shitting the bed.

Also my cigarettes are due soon. I got one more carton and I don't want to go to new Hampshire but I'm thinking like somewhere around the 15th or so... that'll be another bill... I wanted to get my southern degree replaced with my name... but I can't afford the fee cause I had to pay for my car taxes. Also l salvariuos. And cbd...

Maybe next month. Also I have to eventually bring in my "gaming" Macbook to apple but can't this month too broke.

I def have money anxiety. And I was thinking about going to prime house today bc maybe it is just 2 red bulls and gaming all day effecting my ability to sleep and caffeine after 5 p.m... cause that is also a commonality between the night before dad's and last night.

So yea I'm a ball of anxiety and I'm sick of being alone and i wish I could find a gf.

Beyond that my car ac is terrible.. I'm sick of how hot it is. It makes me want to stay in the house all day everyday. I can't wait for the weather to be less fucking disgusting.

Being in my car makes me nasous it's so fucking hot and I can't even crack a windows both motors on the driver side and passenger side are blown.

[that-there-is-a-wierd0]

counter counter counter attack: Tristan has normalised the abuse so much that he’s found a way to justify it, using the same excuses as Dave. “He’s just giving you a taste of your own medicine,” “Did y’know when something bad happens your brain makes it a core memory? Now we won’t do the same mistake atleast,” “Just tough love, I guess.” Meanwhile to contrast that with Billy’s Son, who knows what good parenting looks like, is able to see the flaws within Dave. But Tristan’s constant doubling-down eventually gaslights him into thinking it’s not so bad afterall. But he hates being hurt but he also hates hurting his dad or Mr. Dave. If he complains he’d seem ungrateful or whiny; If he stays quiet then he’ll keep hurting; If he doesn’t accept the hurting then he’ll never toughen up; If he shows that he’s hurting then he’ll take away his dad’s ability to feel happiness by corrupting his image of Mr. Dave; If he convinces Tristan that Mr. Dave is horrible then he’ll be a family-wrecker. That’s what he thinks… And that’s what they’ll think too…

GODDDD

Even worse Billy allowing it to happen because he sees Tristan having good intellect by Dave's (admittedly high) standards and thinks that Junior could benefit from Dave's homeschooling. My man is so numb from his divorce that he will do anything to stay by Dave as long as possible (until the abuse started getting more intense)...

i need fluff so bad

Billy is rightfully spiraling at this point and maybe Mira lets him stay at their house because hey he is in absolutely no shape to care for another human being right now. The other staff agree that he should stay with someone that knows him for a while and therefore someone he implicitly trusts. Even Joe tries to chip in with some advice; it takes a mess to know a mess.

Mira gets with Billy officially and he starts to see that Mira has NO experience being a mom. He's worried that they won't accept the fact that he has a son that is not theirs or that Mira only wants Billy and won't care about Junior. He feels so bad throwing this burden onto them, forcing a homemaker and breadwinner role more or less onto such a free-spirited person. He feels awful.

But. they're gentle and soft and they praise Junior and explains why he is in trouble instead of ever hitting him. They get better at talking to a 10-ish year old. Mira gives Junior some advice about being open, and vocalizing boundaries. Thankfully Junior is very intuitive so he takes to Mira's gentle tones and personal advice from therapy. He also likes they can make his dad laugh.

Mira really cares about what both of them went through and maybe kinda sorta played a part in sending Tristan to live with Bambi (i have no idea how bambi is i imagine him chaotic but hard working country boy sdjkfjsl).

Billy feeling joy absolutely short circuit him when he sees Mira and Junior coloring together on a most certainly stolen blue print stolen from the workshop he manifested in Mira's garage. Seeing Mira trim it down and throw it on the fridge with a magnet. Junior laughing. Junior smiling. And how guilty and shy and elated he is when they spot him and actually want him around because they miss him.

in conclusion im not fucking okauy about any of these characters

[hella1975]

hella should I watch bsd and why?

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES E OMG YES okay okay here's why you should watch bsd right now this moment and tell me all about it:

chuuya nakahara is a man that exists. he is everything to me

the characters are all based on famous authors and they all dress like they're fucking victorian or some shit and they all fight each other and have homoerotic partnerships. the aesthetic of bsd is just unmatchable truly

genuinely the most homoerotic anime ive ever watched and ive watched haikyuu

chuuya is there!

on a serious note the plot absolutely WOWS it's soooo clever it's about detectives and mafia and external threats etc etc but there's twists and the characters are sooooo smart and especially with recent manga events you NEVER know what's going to happen im always on the edge of my seat

it has powers!!!!!!!!! they're called 'abilities' and our main cast all have one and they're so so interesting bc they're inspired by the writer that the character is named after (aka fyodor's ability is 'crime and punishment')

there's a guy with a literal GOD inside of him and he can control gravity and he wears funny hats and has the most gorgeous hair of all time also his name is chuuya

dazai osamu (yes like THEE dazai osamu) is there and he's a BITCH while also being one of the most insanely intelligent characters of any media ever. he makes me want to die (affectionate)

found family!!!!! particularly from our protag atsushi bc he's an orphan that effectively gets adopted by our main cast and he has a real thing about Belonging and Family and Healing From Abuse so watching that all unfold is just <33333

the generational trauma omg i know for a FACT you of all people will like this. we have a cycle of abuse that is just so so fascinating bc you sympathise with ALL OF THEM (aside mori. he can rot) even when they themselves become the next generation of abuser and it's so complicated and ive never actually seen it illustrated so explicitely before

also speaking of generational things we also have each new generation of double black from zenki soukoku to soukoku to shin soukoku i think it's soooo compelling (basically the most powerful duo of each generation but every single time they absolutely HATE each other and are forced to figure it out and wind up knowing each other better than anyone while still sustaining a farce of mutual dislike aka everyone knows they're fucking)

this one guy throws a building at a dragon. i cant remember his name right now but it's definitely nothing that rhymes with mooya makahara

YOSANO!!!!!!!! HOT ANGRY MURDER LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!

murder siblings via the akutagawas!!!! they are everything to me!!!! we also have the tanizaki siblings but i need you to ignore every second they're on screen together and id like to apologise in advance

bsd set the standard for enemies to lovers. full stop argue with the wall

constant literary references throughout that make my heart happy

it's easily accessible! the entire show is free on crunchyroll in multiple languages including an english dub!

A5158

we have angst! we have humour! we have plot! we have bsd wan for when bsd gets too much! we have a movie! we have an updating manga that's still got plenty of steam! we have three seasons as is! we have a stage play! we have found family! we have corrupt organisations! we have healing! we have morally grey characters actively choosing good even though they have nothing inside them that is compelled to do so! we have gay people! no seriously soukoku is basically canon! they're so fucked!

im in really really really really really normal amounts of love with chuuya