#i know her tumblr game goes crazy

[starrieisdelusional]

why kairi might be the one who manipulated sora's memory

yes you read that right, and no i did not mis-type this (if you're thinking hey that should be namine!)

i was going back a few times to kh3 and i found many patterns and cutscenes in 3 that can be compared to previous installments of the game, even side by side, this one particularly caught my eye:

crazy am i right

so remember that scene in 3 where sora falsely exclaimed "the light in the darkness" to be kairi? (it's actually riku) where sora and kairi goes enters the light to made it back to the real world

previous clip in link because tumblr isn't working with me ("riku, answer me!!" comparison with "okay! i have to protect them (aitsu)! Namine can you hear me?")

as you've seen in the comparison i realized it probably a direct paralell to namine's fake meteor shower scene back in COM Sora's side. And these lines of dialogue in particular interest me

it got me thinking, and i think that kairi purposely did something to sora's memory at some point in their lives. The exact when i'm not too sure, but she had inserted herself into some of riku's part in sora's life as sora's taisetsu na hito (special someone)

i know this sounds crazy, but i think there's a valid reason to this theory

Why??

the motive is clear: that kairi is lonely. i personally relate to her character struggle, loneliness can be suffocating, just like how namine portrayed hers that resulted to the events in COM

kairi's main theme has always been about 'seperation' and being left behind by sora and riku. so it would make sense for her to crave attention

kairi might feel sad that sora and riku doesn't pay attention to her unlike how they pay attention to each-other, so i don't see it as off character for her to insert herself into a fake picture if she had the chance, especially as the love interest of her crush

she even said this back in KH1 which sora responded with "Huh!? What's gotten into you?"

or is it done out of malicious intentions? there might be a possibility for that, but i don't think it is as it goes against kingdom hearts thematic story that stays consistent over the years, that portrays every character struggle in a sympathetic way that honestly you can relate too

(xehanort is even a subject to this in dark road)

i think that kairi felt really guilty about it and didn't realized the impact that she had done to sora and riku's relationship. or maybe she thrived for it, because even if the affection is not real, kairi is still loved and remembered by someone as their precious person, and it feels nice especially with someone like sora

snippet from kh3 novel

in the novels, there's a strong hint that kairi cut her hair because riku cut his, which contributes a lot to the theory of kairi wanting to be sora's precious person (riku) where she somewhat mimics his behavior (she probably realized deep down sora cares more about riku than her)

Passing Memories

i think this also made sense lore wise, because why else would sora suddenly lost his memory of riku? and i don't think sora's sort-of infatuation with kairi is caused by comphet alone

forgotten promises is a recurring theme in sora and riku's relationship, everything up to this point has always leads to hidden thoughts and burried memories, you have to dig deeper if you want to find a connection between sora and riku, the examples currently are:

whatever is happening between soriku

passing memories jp name of oblivion keyblade that is owned by roxas

riku is the TRUE light

necklace theory: the fact that THE necklace is everywhere in the game but is never brought up like ever

aitsu (check full discussion on the internet)

COM the game (just everything related to COM, the only game with riku and sora beside DDD? it's sus if you ask me)

compared to sora and kairi who's relationship always seems shallow and on the surface. i think it made more sense with the 'why' factor answered, because every time sora is thinking of riku, kairi would replace herself in his position, just like the light-tunnel scene in kh3

the 'oathkeeper' (promise charm) and 'oblivion' (passing memories) also reflected sora keeping his promise to kairi, but forgetting about his to riku, riku might not be affected in the same way that sora does, so this happens:

+ the multiple and many instances, riku is straight up covered by kairi

some of those instances:

kairi is true darkness (ex: sea is metaphor for darkness)

xion (is said to be kairi but proven also to also be riku)

the final world

Power?

honestly, i think kairi is more than she lets on (like LUXU), let's talk about her nobody:

i think it's already suspicious that namine has the power to mess with sora's memories (because she's from kairi's body and sora's heart?) when existing nobodies like roxas and xion for example has powers directly tied to their somebodies (kingdom key), xehanort doing xehanort things, marluxia possessing the same rose petals as his somebody counterpart, (and a lot more...)

so, with a game like kingdom hearts, does namine's powers really came out of no where? we know that sora doesn't have the ability to manipulate people's memories, so who else could it be?? kairi's powers might even be more powerful

this would also aligns with the theory 'riku is light-kairi is darkness' because even at front value the game is telling you 'hey kairi is LIGHT and riku is DARKNESS' time and time again its always the reverse in certain situations, but you never got to wonder what it actually mean

yes riku is the light, but why is kairi the darkness?? yes she sort-of brings demise as xehanort's pawn, but is it really just that?

lastly, kairi is a princess of heart, and might even came from the lost masters era as it is decorated and spammed with stars (every symbol is replaced by stars i'm not joking)

it's very on-theme with the 'traitor' plot point that has been consistent in every khux game, so... (i have a theory that kairi is master ava, or master ava is her grandma, OR kairi is mom... or skuld)

in addition to all of this, i also think that kairi can also be a creature, maybe she's actually a chirithy:

however i do think as opposed to riku as a dreameater (spirit), kairi is a nightmare chirithy, as seen in their color pallet (might be a coincidence but who knows)

[canmom]

Comics mini-Comints: Dungeon Meshi

reread dungeon meshi through to the end. still such a great manga. here are immediate thoughts - if I end up having time and energy I hope I can write something that goes deeper!

ironically i was only a few chapters from the end when I stopped keeping up, but I was struggling to remember all the characters and context, so reading it through in one go was definitely an ideal way to achieve maximum impact there.

ryoko kui does a very elegant job of handling a transition from 'silly antics' to 'big dramatic fantasy' while still keeping the central thematic throughline - eating and being eaten, belonging to an ecosystem, the significance of sacrificing others to achieve your own desires. a lot of setups pay off in a way that feels meticulously planned - and of course the crux of the final showdown revolves around characters attempting to eat each other, of course the big payoff is a huge feast that symbolically unites all the conflicting factions. it is maybe a bit too neat and happy for my taste, but it's undeniably tightly executed - it never loses sight of what it's about. especially compared to something like Frieren, it's an incredibly coherent serialisation, up there with e.g. Fullmetal Alchemist.

kui's art style deserves all kinds of praise - it feels effortlessly simple, but it clearly communicates all sorts of different shapes and body types and it's really fun to see her play around with remixing the different visual elements when she switches the races around. in general Laius's autistic monster loving ways clearly reflect kui's own deeply felt appreciation for all the ways people and animals live (accentuated further by all the extra sketches the scanlators tuck in). in a way you could kinda call it like Parts Unknown the fantasy manga.

the stakes of the final conflict are interesting - there is much to be said about the framing of 'desire' and its fulfilment, of this occult idea of 'the infinite'. lots you could put in relation to other manga, and also buddhism. (in particular I really want to develop a comparison to Made In Abyss, there are so many parallels, it just might be too spicy for tumblr lmao).

one thing I really like about it is how much its fantasy dungeon-exploring setting owes to D&D and other TTRPGs, rather than videogames. monster ecology has been a fascination of that game since the early days of Dragon magazine, and Kui sharply zeroes in on some of the intrinsic conflicts baked in to that fantasy milieu, notably the lifespan thing, while smartly avoiding the traps of 'evil races'. there's some really fun nods to the weirder monster manual entries. and in a story with so many characters and factions, it does a genuinely incredible job of furnishing everyone with understandable, reasonable motivations, conflicts drawn from their context just like the monsters are explained by their ecology.

and one thing that I particularly appreciate is like... how much it is able to simultaneously understand and sympathise with a character and also show us how and why they'd rub others the wrong way. it's impossible not to like our main group, they're all such charming dorks and the manga leads you along with all the crazy rpg party shit they do, but at the same time you definitely find yourself thinking 'guy's got a point' in the kabru chapters lmao. I'm projecting hard bc i don't really know a thing about ryōko kui but laius def feels like the sort of depiction of having an autism that you can only do if you've lived it.

but yeah, it's a fuzzy ending where it all turns out well. but what's the deeper thrust of it all? there's a funny moment where marcille is like 'maybe in the end our journey is about learning to accept death' and the grouchy old gnome guy completely laughs this off as naive, because death doesn't mean anything. and indeed their big plan pays off, and falin does indeed come back just fine. but still, through all of this it asks you to bite the bullet that being a living creature means eating to survive, at the cost of other creatures, with the other side being that one day you too will be eaten. in contrast to this honest way of being is the beguiling fantasy of infinity, where all your desires are immediately fulfilled - this is shown as a dangerous path of corruption that produces madness and manipulability. having limits and rubbing up against the wishes of others, or 'doing things you don't want to do' as izutsumi's arc puts it, becomes necessary for having some kind of definition as a subject. the thing that makes the demon concrete as an entity is a desire, or appetite, that can't immediately be fulfilled.

of course we can connect this to the idea of narrative conflict. a standard advice for putting together a plot is to ask what each character wants and why they can't get it. wanting something implies movement. and indeed over the course of this story, we see that while having too many desires fulfilled too readily leads to incoherence and callousness, equally a character who is left catatonic as their desires have been eaten by the demon must be reawakened to activity by finding a new desire.

it's kinda Buddhist innit. neither the opulence of the palace nor asceticism. desires are what tie you to the world. but mixed with ecology: what a creature does to find the energy to live is what defines its lifestyle, its form.

this is probably where I'd start talking about entropy gradients and shit if i wasn't typing this on a phone at 1:30am lmao.

but yeah - it's a powerful move to go from 'D&D monster recipe show sendup' to 'living with the inherently violent nature of being an organism fated to live in a finite sum game' and yet Dungeon Meshi makes it feel natural and convincing, while remaining tremendously charming and funny throughout. ryōko kui is definitely some kind of genius, and I can't wait to see what her next act is gonna be. it's all definitely making me appreciate the act of eating a lot more.

next story on my plate is probably The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere, which sounds like it will present a very gnarly thematic contrast.

[xo-zozo]

TGG REVEIW *spoilers*

𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 THE GRANDEST GAME

[ “sometimes, in the games that matter most, the only to really play is to live.” ]

4 | ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ |

OVERVIEW ᯓᡣ𐭩

i’m so happy that this book finally came out, i had been looking forward to it for the past year!! and as always, jlb did not disappoint. it was so fun to see all of the dynamics between the new characters and the old ones.

first and foremost, here were some of the bad things. i had no idea why grayson was playing in the game? like it made zero sense to me why he would need to, even if her didn’t participate in making the puzzles. he was an a lot better person in this book though so im thankful for that. i did enjoy reading this book but at the same time, i kinda wished that there was more things out of the escape room and moments with out the riddles because it felt REALLY jam packed with them.

but on the lighter side, i loved all of the new characters in this book and the little things that we got to see of the old ones. the riddles and puzzles were fun, and the setting was also really interesting to me. it is absolutely insane to me how jlb manages to connect things that happened in her other books with this one and somehow make it all make sense when it comes down to it.

i thought that romances in this book were actually pretty good. one of my favorites was savannah and rohan, but i’m also excited to see how gigi’s romantic life plays out. and as always, avery and jameson served as always and everytime they were mentioned, i got super duper excited because they’re cuties and i love them. and of course, lyra and grayson were pretty good but i was expecting a lot more than what we got.

CHARACTERS ᯓᡣ𐭩

lyra kane - so, on tumblr she was very hyped up and i have never really played into that because i didn’t have strong feelings about this character that we didn’t know. and now that i’ve read the book, i still have a lot of the same opinions on her and i mainly predicted how i would feel about her. although she was a good character and i did like her, she just didn’t feel like anything special to me? but that’s just a personal preference and i know that a lot of people d9 like her. A LOT.

grayson hawthorne - a lot of people know this as well, but i’m not a huge fan of grayson. and although a lot of the things i felt about him still stand, i did like him a lot more in this book than i did in the other ones. being with lyra must’ve just been really refreshing for him. he was just a lot more open than usual.

gigi grayson - as always i LOVE this girl. she’s so sweet and she genuinely reminds me of myself. (annoying in the best way possible) i’m so interested in where her story is going, especially because of all the new people in this book that she got to meet.

savannah grayson - oh. my. gosh. she’s literally my wife, but at the same time, the part at the end where she says that’s she’s gonna expose avery and the hawthornes for killing her dad was insane. i think she’s in the wrong for that but i’m excited to see where this is going.

rohan - all of the brothers hawthorne i HATED this man. the whole time i was like “who does this guy think he is” but i literally loved him this book, he was so flirty and sassy and it was great.

odette morales - she is my QUEEN she was more iconic than lyra could ever be… im being totally honest. her whole thing with tobias and alice was one of the most crazy things ever and im so excited to see where that goes too.

avery grambs - i have ALWAYS loved this woman, but she was serving even harder than in the other series in this book. the way that she was described was djejenhdehd. this made me even more excited for games untold in november.

jameson hawthorne - my man is always the best and he’s just the best. he’s always so sweet to avery in these books and it brings me joy.

knox - i don’t have any strong feelings about him… but yk excited to see what’s happening with him.

brady - same with knox… there’s a lot of things i’m interested in but i don’t have a lot to say about him.

QUOTES ᯓᡣ𐭩

[ “beside avery, jameson was looking at her like she was the sun and the moon and the stars and eternity, all rolled into one.” ] IM SAT.

[ “at sixteen, lyra had watched and rewatched that interview more times than she wanted to admit.” ] IM CRYING LAUGHING HELP

[ “my symptoms include a tightness in my jaw, increased heart rate, and a desire to use foul language in particularly creative combinations” ] ODETTE MY QUEEN 💋

[waitmyturtles]

Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV, and When Queer Media Goes Mainstream in Thailand: The Lakorn Corner, Part 1 -- The Fallen Leaf Edition

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. Today, I'm starting a three-part sub-series on queer primetime lakorns in Thailand, starting first with 2019's The Fallen Leaf.]

TW: major spoilers, suicide attempt

WELL. I don't know if anyone's around anymore whose been tracking this project! I haven't written an entry for this project since (scary!) August of 2024. But I have good reasons (!!!), and I attribute this, in part, to Thailand's predilection of broadcasting very, very long primetime dramas. (Besides, of course, the usual craziness of life that happens in-between my watching of shows.)

The last time I updated my Old GMMTV Challenge project, I was just about to tune into (for the first timmmmeeeee omg), My School President, after offering a rewatch analysis of The Eclipse, along with commentary on my perspective of the current impact of branded paired actors in the dramas of GMMTV and other studios. I was really enjoying ploughing through 2022's slate of Thailand's BL and GL dramas, and during the fall of 2024, I watched The Miracle of Teddy Bear, which was ridiculously amazing, and for which I will pen my next review in this series.

The Miracle of Teddy Bear is often cited as Thailand's first queer lakorn, or primetime drama, and is thus on the OGMMTVC list as an important milestone of the extensions of queer media's reach within Thailand's mainstream media. However, the comment that Miracle is Thailand's first queer lakorn is not accurate.

More accurately, The Miracle of Teddy Bear is Thailand's first lakorn to center a male queer character in a same-sex relationship.

In conversation with the FABULOUS @flowerbeasblog (who helms an incomparable blog about ratings and social media performance of our fave shows and actors in Thailand!), I learned that Thailand had an earlier primetime lakorn that featured a queer main character -- a transgender woman who suffered an abusive childhood.

This lakorn, 2019's The Fallen Leaf (aka The Leaves), stars a cisgender female actress, the hugely popular Baifern Pimchanok. The Fallen Leaf was one of Baifern's first shows that put her on Thailand's and Asia's maps as a huge continental star, particularly in China.

I was on the fence as to whether or not I was going to watch this show and list it. The idea of watching a show about a transgender female character, acted by a cisgender actress, gave me the jibbles, as was highlighted during a recent controversy involved a cisgender male actor playing a transgender female in the second season of Squid Game.

However, through some lucky connections, I got word from a Thai screenwriter that I should watch The Fallen Leaf if I was interested in the short history of queer lakorns. Later on in this sub-series about lakorns for the OGMMTVC, I'll discuss 2022's Khun Chai (To Sir With Love), which smashed QL ratings records. Comparing The Fallen Leaf to The Miracle of Teddy Bear and Khun Chai, therefore, is an accurate way to tell the story of the primetime centering of queer stories in Thailand's mainstream mediascape, aside from the continued growth of the specific Series Y genre.

And so. When The Fallen Leaf aired in 2019 on the One31 channel, it was massively popular. I want to talk about why I think that's the case.

Firstly, I want to note the importance of the year in which The Fallen Leaf aired. The inimitable @bengiyo has noted that 2019 was the year in which the Thai BL fanbase bifurcated. Thai BLs, also known as Series Y in Thailand, is a far smaller genre than that of the Thai primetime lakorn. However, the BL genre, by 2019, was growing exponentially, offering fans a wide array of content, from the heaty-hot drama TharnType, to the contemplative miniseries He's Coming To Me, to the complicated and rewarding romance of Dark Blue Kiss.

I thought a lot about TharnType while I was watching The Fallen Leaf. Not too many people in the global QL fanbase know about The Fallen Leaf, save for the incredible @so-much-yet-to-learn, who flagged for me that what he knew about it was that the show was rumored to have contained many problematic stereotypes about transgender individuals.

TharnType was notable not just for being one of the steamiest Series Y shows of its time, but for also centering enough problematic stereotypes about queer sexuality that I felt compelled to forever flag it. I noted in my OGMMTVC review of TharnType that I felt, as an Asian myself, that the show's basic framework relied on Asian stereotypes of bigotry against the queer community, a foundational approach that really made me queasy.

However: that approach (along with the heat), I think, allowed a broader Asian audience to tune into the show and relate to it -- a coincidence that's unfortunate, but one that the show's creator, MAME, likely knew would resonate with a growing fanbase that wanted to see men kiss, but that wasn't potentially fully up to speed on advocating for the queer community and for LGBTQ+ causes. (I posit a similar corollary in theorizing about the popularity of 2020's 2gether.)

I'm not fully sure what led to the creation of The Fallen Leaf, as a 2019 primetime, mainstream drama on one of Thailand's biggest channels. But I will posit, twofold, that the growing popularity of Series Y in Thailand -- not a mainstream genre by way of viewership, but a genre that carried tremendous social media clout, even in 2019 -- along with the resulting increase in social conversations and commentary about queer sexuality and queer life, may have made executives at One31 nod their heads in approving a novel script for the lakorn genre, one that very often centers not just romance, but deeply heterosexual and misogynistic approaches to romance (an issue discussed in the Series Y documentary, BL: Broken Fantasy).

And with The Fallen Leaf, in part, centering often controversial commentary about transgender individuals, the show was sure to achieve notoriety, as it certainly did by way of its resulting popularity in Thailand, and particularly in China.

So...

Now that I've said all of that -- that The Fallen Leaf was a hugely popular show, with a cisgender female actress playing a transgender woman, and that the show contains a hell of a lot of problematic takes on the queer and transgender communities -- what exactly is this show about, and was it a successful narrative?

The Fallen Leaf, as with other lakorns (like The Miracle of Teddy Bear), benefits from being a REALLY LONG SHOW. In a REALLY LONG SHOW, 21 episodes-worth (27 if you find them on YouTube), problematic takes can actually be addressed and countered with delicacy. Of course, problematic takes can also create scripted drama, but I'll get to that in a second.

Nira, our main character, is a transgender Thai woman who underwent gender-affirming surgery in London. She is in England with her mother after her mother's divorce from her abusive and cheating husband. Nira's supportive mother dies in a car accident while Nira is recovering from her surgery. Nira is left devastated -- and hellbent on exacting revenge against her abusive father (Chom) and her equally abusive paternal aunt (Rungrong).

Chom rejected his former son from an early age, noting his former son's feminine tendencies, and abusing his wife and son to a great extent out of his frustration of this reality. (Nira's formerly male identity is recollected in flashbacks, and notably, Saint Suppapong plays Nira's teenage male self.) It is indicated to Chom early in the series that his son died along with his ex-wife in the car accident, allowing Nira to come back to Thailand unidentified as related to Chom's family.

Rungrong is married to Chat, an unhappy husband caught in an almost-unconsummated marriage after Rungrong faked a pregnancy to get Chat to marry her. As a young boy, Nira was close with Chat, the only relative besides Nira's mother who was willing to wholly accept the young boy. Upon Nira's arrival in Thailand as a transitioned adult woman, she insinuates herself in the lives of Chom and Rungrong, ostensibly to upend their lives and exact revenge. During that insinuation, she gains the attraction of both her unhappy uncle-in-law, Chat.....and.... her father, Chom.

Yeah, sooooo, let me stop there for a second. Yes, this show is predicated on the premise that TWO of Nira's relatives -- a non-blood-related relative in her uncle, and her very blood-related relative in her father -- are into her. This tension is not ignored, it's very much addressed, and if you have familiarity with American soap operas or (worse), Indian Zee TV dramas, that a primetime Thai lakorn would choose this approach is actually not so surprising.

(That's Uncle Chat down there, played by the incredible Push Puttichai, who NEEDS TO BE IN AN OLDER MAN BL ABSOLUTELY STAT, THIS MAN IS BEAUTIFUL, JUST BEAUTIFUL. PAIR HIM UP WITH PRAN'S DAD!)

In order to exact revenge against the HUGELY bigoted and abusive Rungrong, as well as a new rival in some dumb influencer named Manow, Nira situates herself to become a famous make-up artist, model, and actress, which she actually achieves to an extent.

However, her abusive past, and the traumatic loss of her mother, haunt her throughout the drama. A huge part of the show is centered on her struggles with her mental health and her psychological care with her doctor, Benjang, who.... yeah, falls in love with her too, at some point. (Codes of ethics don't mean a thang in lakorns, I guess!) BUT BESIDES THAT, her needing anxiety medication, along with her regular hormonal therapy, are depicted clearly as a part of her everyday routine.

I'll stop there for now. Much of the show is centered on Nira's power plays with Rungrong and Manow, especially as these two fucking bigots pry into Nira's past, particularly as Rungrong seethes in jealousy while Nira becomes ever closer to Rungrong's husband.

The drama is a lot. It's a lot, and it's crazy and insane, and it's perfect for a primetime drama meant to draw in a mainstream audience accustomed to catfights and inordinate amounts of scripted tension.

However: let me also compliment this complicated show on a couple of fronts regarding depictions of LGBTQ+ themes.

As I said before, 21 hourlong episodes gives a script a lot of time to unwind. The macro-level, core premise of the show is indeed insane -- two of Nira's older relatives falling in love with her. It's a bombastic premise designed for attention and ratings.

But the show, surprisingly, treats almost all of its LGBTQ+ topics with sensitivity. Transgender women abound in the show, including Nira's steadfast and headstrong manager, and a sympathetic club owner who owns the bigoted Rungrong at one point. The FABULOUS James Rusameekae plays an over-the-top make-up artist. While I was afraid that his character, Baitong, would be treated with disrespect by the script (like Green in the original 2gether), the opposite happened: his feminine traits and never-ending support of Nira were celebrated in the show. Rungrong's own make-up artist, a gay man himself who initially helps Rungrong uncover Nira's secret, ends up lashing out at his boss after Rungrong makes bigoted comments about him and his community.

All of these characters, at some point in the series, face discrimination. Notably, Nira leaves an event where she is asked to be a model, when it is revealed to her that the LGBTQ+ community is not welcome at the site where the event takes place. While the resulting public conversations she engages in about her stance are a touch precious, they're also important to note, considering that these frank conversations about discrimination were happening during a primetime hour to a mainstream audience.

Perhaps even more notable as presented to a mainstream audience: there are many instances in which Nira's transition care are depicted and sometimes explained. At the end of the series, pictures of Nira's post-surgical transition are shown. At the start of the series, Nira is shown in the hospital, bandaged. The transition of her feminine hairline is depicted and explained. She is shown using hormonal gels and vaginal dilators, and carries her bag of dilators with her as she moves apartments during the series.

Thailand is certainly known globally for the quality of its gender-affirming care. However, regarding the transitional experience, I myself have never seen a fictional show delve into so much detail about the process, and I found myself learning and researching parts of the process that I wasn't aware of.

I want to also note, with thanks again to the amazing @flowerbeasblog, that the creators of The Fallen Leaf actually addressed the earlier controversy I noted earlier, about the casting of a cisgender woman in the lead role. As what might have been expected in 2019 -- the creators of the show felt that if a transgender person had been cast, that the show might have been categorized within a more specific genre, like Series Y, for instance. In order to widen the show's appeal to a larger audience, the decision was made to cast a cisgender woman (you can use Google Translate to read this Thai wiki entry about the show). With LGBTQ+ actors and actresses gaining more attention and accolades in mainstream Thai media -- James Rusameekae recently winning a major award, and Jennie Panhan gaining the spotlight for playing a mother in another mainstream lakorn -- I hope that soon enough, a transgender actor or actress will indeed lead a primetime lakorn.

[NOTE: SKIP THE NEXT THREE PARAGRAPHS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING!]

...

...

I found the ending of The Fallen Leaf to be a sensible one, but a tough one. Nira's secret is revealed publicly, and she suffers tremendously for it. The accurate psychological connection is made regarding her mental health and the previous abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. None of the villains are redeemed -- an ending that I'm thankful for, because the show didn't need to jump through any other extraneous and insensible ethical hoops.

The show ended on a reasonable note of hope. Nira admits she is ill, and leaves behind Thailand, and Chat, to recover. She comments on the possibility of being able to go back to Thailand to the community that loves and supports her -- her doctor, her manager, her friend in Baitong.

The show was already too long to establish a narrative that she could triumph, within 21 episodes, over the lifetime of pain and abuse she had suffered. While I found that tough, I also found it a realistic and reasonable approach in a discussion about a lifetime of mental health issues. I think the fictional Nira indeed deserves love, and I hope that another lakorn that centers a transgender character will take up that mantle.

While The Fallen Leaf does not technically fall within the spectrum of the Series Y genre -- which The Old GMMTV Challenge project specifically focuses on -- I am ultimately so thankful that I watched it, because it is a clear precursor to 2022's Khun Chai/To Sir, With Love. Khun Chai, a fellow One31 queer primetime lakorn, turns up the volume on the conversation of discrimination against the gay community from the JUMP of episode one, with (similar to The Fallen Leaf) a suicide attempt after an unintended outing. I'm watching Khun Chai right now, so I can't make full comment at this moment, but I very much feel that with 2019's The Fallen Leaf having aired prior to Khun Chai -- and with the INCREDIBLE growth of Series Y shows from 2019 to 2022 -- that the Thai mainstream audience was really ready for some blunt conversation about gay men, bigotry, and true love, in a Very Big Soapy Show by the time Khun Chai aired. I see the similarities between The Fallen Leaf and Khun Chai already. While tropes abound in shows about young boys finding their feminine tendencies early in their lives, the fact that The Fallen Leaf and Khun Chai (as well as The Miracle of Teddy Bear) all start with young boys receiving physical abuse for their tendencies would not have been lost on the Thai lakorn audience who watched all of these shows.

With that, I close out my thoughts on The Fallen Leaf. Part two of the OGMMTVC's Lakorn Corner will focus on the absolutely OUTSTANDING The Miracle of Teddy Bear -- a Channel 3 lakorn that performed notably worse than The Fallen Leaf and Khun Chai, but that still carried incredibly important messaging about queer sexuality and childhood abuse and discrimination. I cannot wait to start writing about it, and I'll see y'all for part two of this sub-series!

[I wanna note that I am way behind on reviews for a lot of shows I watched last fall and winter. I'll write about Miracle next, then I'll pen a brief tribute to the FUCKING INCREDIBLE Triage, then onto Khun Chai, and then a quick deep-dive into the history of Thai GLs with Love Songs Love Stories: Pae Jai from 2015, Love of Secret from 2022, and then the biggie, GAP.

And then. I will finally watch My School President. Once I'm done with Khun Chai and the quick Love Songs Love Stories. (Yes, I am finally adding a show to the list that I myself am not watching, in Love of Secret. I'll explain more when I get to the GLs era.)

ANYWAY. Here's the current list as you see fit!

1) The Love of Siam (2007) (movie) (review here) 2) My Bromance (2014) (movie) (review here) 3) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 4) Love Songs Love Stories: Pae Jai (2015) (Thailand’s first serialized GL) (to be reviewed with GAP the Series) 5) Gay OK Bangkok Season 1 (2016) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 6) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 7) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 8) Gay OK Bangkok Season 2 (2017) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here) 9) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 10) Together With Me (2017) (review here)

11) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 12) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 13) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 14) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 15) The Fallen Leaf (2019) (not a BL; adjacent to the project as Thailand’s first lakorn featuring a queer/transgender main character) (review coming) 16) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 17) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 18) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (OffGun BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review) 19) Theory of Love (2019) (review here) 20) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (a non-BL and an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content at GMMTV) (review here)

21) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here) 22) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) (review here) (and notes on my UWMA rewatch here) 23) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (review here) 24) I Told Sunset About You (2020) (review here) 25) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) (review here) 26) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (review here) 27) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 28) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (re-review here) 29) Lovely Writer (2021) (review here) 30) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) (review here)

31) I Promised You the Moon (2021) (review here) 32) Not Me (2021-2022) (review here) 33) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 34) 55:15 Never Too Late (2021-2022) (not a BL, but a GMMTV drama that features a macro BL storyline about shipper culture and the BL industry) (review here) 35) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch (Links to the BBS OGMMTVC Meta Series are here: preamble here, part 1, part 2, part 3a, part 3b, and part 4) 36) Secret Crush On You (2022) (review here) 37) The Miracle of Teddy Bear (2022) (review coming) 38) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here)  39) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For the Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist (part 1 and part 2) 40) Triage (2022) (review coming)

41) Honorable Mention: War of Y (2022) (for the sake of an attempt to provide meta BL commentary within a BL in the modern BL era), with a complementary watch of Aam Anusorn’s documentary, BL: Broken Fantasy (2020) (thoughts here) 42) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 43) The Eclipse OGMMTVC Rewatch to Reexamine "Genre BLs," Along With a Critical Take on Branded Ships (review here) 44) Khun Chai/To Sir, With Love (2022) (watching) 45) Love of Secret (2022) (a GL that preceded GAP) (I will not be watching this, but it's on the list to precede GAP) 46) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL with a branded pair and ship) (review coming) 47) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023), Coupled with a Speed-Watch of My Love Mix-Up Thailand (2024) to Comment on GMMTV Trying to Make Magic Happen Twice  48) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 49) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) 50) La Pluie (2023) (review coming)

51) Be My Favorite (2023) (tag here) (I’m including this for BMF’s sophisticated commentary on Krist’s career past as a BL icon) 52) Wedding Plan (2023) (Recommended as an important trajectory in the course of MAME’s work and influence from TharnType) 53) Only Friends (2023) (tag here) (not technically a BL, but it certainly became one in the end) 54) Last Twilight (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as Thailand’s first major BL to center disability, successfully or otherwise) 55) Cherry Magic Thailand (2023-24) (tag here) (on the list as the first major Japanese-to-Thai drama adaptation, featuring the comeback of TayNew) 56) Ossan’s Love Returns (Japan, 2024) (adding for the EarthMix cameo and the eventual Thai remake) 57) 23.5 (2024) (GMMTV’s first GL) (thoughts here) (I am not finished with this show; I will finish it when I get to it on this list) 58) Spare Me Your Mercy (2024) (thoughts here) (added as the finale of Sammon's medical trilogy in Manner of Death and Triage, and as a major lakorn starring two of Thailand's biggest actors in Tor Thanapob and Jaylerr)]

[fiendishartist2]

im not fucking around anymore. here's the full "Paul is Care" essay i've been working on:

“Alright. So there's uh, nothing out here, as far as I've seen. But actually, I think there is something out here. I just haven't seen it yet.”

In Petscop, the story is told between the lines. When you feel like you have a grasp on it, a single colour or date throws off everything you’ve built up. That’s why I like to look at Petscop in another way; not as a series of events, but an exploration of a single character: Paul.

Some people like to map everything out in a single timeline; when did Care go missing, when did the family get the game, when did Lina and Mike die. I think that every interpretation of Petscop has its own value, because Petscop means something different to everyone who watches it. But, when I look at Petscop, I don’t just see a series of events wrapped up in the mystery of Care’s disappearance. I see a video game used as a device to explore and understand the connection between the past and the present. I see the ways in which Paul Leskowitz is Carrie Mark.

I know that to some that notion might seem crazy; the broader discussion of Petscop is different to the niche ones held by crazy people in the tags of a Tumblr post . Obviously, this theory is personally significant and I hold it very near and dear to my heart. But, I want to share this theory in a way that makes sense to the general audience of Petscop because I genuinely believe you guys are missing out! So, keep an open mind and enter my Petscop mind-palace…

“...were signs along the way. Um, that I ignored. Because it would have been a completely ridiculous idea to me. Um. But when I found my room, it made, uh, well, I was shocked at first, but it made sense, especially considering where I found the game in the first place, um, that it would be tied, in some way, to me through you. Um. And I'm trying to think, when was the last time I saw any of you at all? It had to have been in like, 1999. I was a kid, I was a small kid. Tiny kid. Um. And after that, just, you know. But, it would make sense in the timeline.” (Petscop 11)

A lot of Petscop theories surround the actual textual proof found in the videos, so that’s where I’ll start. There’s many instances where Paul makes the connection between himself and Care, but one moment continues to stick with me. In Petscop 11, Paul finally enters the house and takes a look around. He’s on the phone with someone, presumably Belle. Paul goes up to the calendars and starts talking about Care, “Yeah, on that topic... I don't remember meeting this girl at all. Um, I don't remember knowing her at any point (…) Um, and I remember you saying that we were, that we, we are, um, exactly the same age.” (Petscop 11). He points out that he and Care share the same birthday, down to the year. We get further confirmation of this in Petscop 14, when Paul’s conversation with Jill that he had on his own birthday is superimposed onto Care’s. The next part though, is what really gets the theory started, “I do agree there's a resemblance. Um. Very strong resemblance between us.” (Petscop 11).

Faces are incredibly important in Petscop. Marvin thought Care and Mike could be rebirthed into Lina because they had similar features, and Care had to be given Mike’s eyebrows specifically to change her room. So, for Paul and Care to have such similar facial features that someone else pointed out the resemblance is significant.

They also happen to share the name “Leskowitz”, which is both Anna and Lina’s last name. We know this because his Reddit account is “p_leskowitz”.

If he’s a Leskowitz, then that explains his complicated feelings towards “the family”. “The family” is a foreboding presence throughout Petscop. Their meddling isn’t outright malicious, but even Paul admits that he’s intimidated by them. And it makes sense, as “the family” (comprised of Anna and Jill) each have a major role in the core mystery of Petscop. Anna is the mother of Care and the wife of Marvin, while Jill is Marvin’s sister and the mother of both Rainer and Mike. To be a Leskowitz, Paul would need to be blood related to Anna or Lina in some way. Paul shows that he has this relation to the family in Petscop 22, when he’s talking to Belle about finding the windmill, “And, I don't th- and you don't have to worry about it, right, 'cause... 'cause you aren't, you aren't family, so you wouldn't... have a room, that's the thing.” (Petscop 22). In this context, Paul is asking Belle whether Jill has contacted her. When he tells her she doesn’t have a room, this is in reference to the Child Library explored in Petscop 3 and 7. This means that in order to be part of the Leskowitz-Mark family (and in our case, related to Care), you have to have a room in the Child Library, something both Paul and Care possess.

Paul being related to the family is also supported by his casual mention of meeting Rainer as a child, “‘Rainer’... I saw him at a birthday party once. All the older kids were down in the basement playing video games, to hide from everyone. He was down there, too. He was older than the rest of them, though.” (Petscop 11), and his confusion of not knowing Care, with the implication that if she was real, he would have met her through the family.

A rarely discussed aspect of Paul’s character is that he can’t tell his left from his right. When he’s doing the disc puzzle in Anna and Marvin’s room is Petscop 11, “Um, we can see what the room looks like in that recording, um, on the uh, right? ... Left? Left? Right ... side.” (Petscop 14) and before he even enters the house, “And, I mean, I still get confused about that. Because, I mean, well, I know it's always the top, but, um, I still have to think. I have to think.” (Petscop 11), we can clearly see that he has trouble with directions. In a similar fashion, Care is described as “dizzy”, most notably in the end credits of Petscop. She is also described as blind by Rainer in Petscop 17, “You were blind. At some point, your movements stopped making sense.” (Petscop 17). In the counsellor’s office, the counsellor says to Paul, “Are you right handed, or left handed? You don't know? Really?” (Petscop 22). I’ll get more into it later, but this sequence is presumably a real conversation that the game is recreating. If this scene is taken from Care’s real childhood, then it confirms that she also had problems with her lefts and rights.

Now, this is the base level of the theory. It’s easy to figure out that Paul is a Leskowitz, he literally calls them “the family”. And while I think the bits about faces and birthdays and directions are significant to this theory, I wanted to get all of the textual evidence out of the way so that I could get into the fun part of this essay: the subtext.

”Some things you can't rewrite.” (Petscop 14)

Petscop is nothing if not a collection of symbols and metaphors. Ask me what Petscop is all about on any given day and there’s a non-zero chance I will start explaining why the car is orange. While it is necessary to analyse Petscop as a real series of events, I think that another approach can be taken; what if we analysed Petscop as a series of events that are happening to Paul specifically? That the game is creating meaning by placing Paul specifically in these snippets of the past. By looking at each moment as “Why did the game make Paul do this?” instead of “What is happening in the game?”, we can see everything through a new lens.

First, I want to discuss colour. Colour plays a huge role in Petscop; almost every character is assigned their own colour. This is most often used to denote who is speaking in text, but it’s also used for other things like the tool. You are probably aware that Care’s colour is yellow, as all of her text is yellow. What you might not know is that Paul’s colour is red. Paul has exactly one instance in all of Petscop where he has coloured text and that is in Petscop 22, when he gives the counsellor his name. The calendars in the house are also colour coded, as the one showing 2017 is red.

One of my favourite moments in all of Petscop uses colour in a way that supports this theory perfectly. When Paul takes Care out of the rebirthing machine, she has been transformed into an Easter egg. A red and yellow striped Easter egg. I will get into this egg later on, but for now, I want to point out how Paul and Care’s colours have been used here. Of course, it’s significant just that they've been put together, but it's more than that. Care’s final form, the egg she has been placed in to keep her safe from all of the trauma she has suffered, that she will spend the rest of the series in, is painted a combination of her and Paul’s colours. In the same sequence, when Paul is playing the Needles Piano for Care B, the “wrong” notes he plays to turn her into the Easter Egg are all red. There’s a joke about eggs and transness in here somewhere.

Right after Care’s rebirth into the egg, Paul places her in the locker with the purple egg and the “new life” letter. If we abide by the established colour theory, this second egg would be Belle’s/Tiara’s egg. By putting them together, alongside the letter, it symbolises Care and Belle’s transfer to Lina’s care; this can also be supported by the ending of Petscop. In the final scene of the soundtrack, Belle recounts when she and Paul were adopted, “There is Boss waiting for her son. Pall do you remember being born. Smuggled away driving to your new house. Boss in driver seat me in back.” (Petscop Soundtrack). “Do you remember being born” is a question posed over and over again throughout Petscop. It’s meant to be a reference to rebirthing, but here it’s Paul being asked if he remembers being born, not Care; you can also connect this to the “new life” letter, making it apparent Belle is asking if he remembers when he was given his “new life” with her and “Boss”. There’s also the implication of the wording “smuggled away”, implying that there was something stopping Paul from being taken to his new home. Paul and Care’s final scenes parallel each other; Care is placed with Belle’s/Tiara’s egg with the “new life” letter, while Paul is taken back to “Boss” by Belle. Care and Paul are both asked if they “remember being born”.

Another, smaller piece of colour theory in Petscop comes from the board games in the counsellor’s office. The board game “Accident” features red and yellow puzzle pieces that fit together, but are broken apart. Remember that Care’s colour is yellow, so assume that she symbolises the yellow piece; Paul’s colour is red, so assume that he symbolises the red piece. The red piece is bigger and fits into the smaller yellow piece, like it’s missing the beginning of it. The yellow piece comes before the red piece, as if it adds context to the red piece. When we think of this in terms of Care and Paul, we can see that Care is the “missing piece” of Paul; the small part of his past that adds the context that completes him. Paul’s piece is bigger because he’s been Paul for so much longer (if we interpret the counsellor’s office as a real event the way it is shown, then that could be the moment he changed. Or, if we consider Care’s rebirth into the egg as the moment Care turned into Paul, then that would be the moment instead), meanwhile Care’s piece is small because she was only a small part of his life.

Taking colour into account, we can get into the meat of the symbolism in Petscop. When we view the events of Petscop through our new lens, many things become significant. Paul is placed in the role of Care many times throughout the series; on Care’s birthday, in the counsellor's office, and in Rainer’s “you are Carrie Mark” monologue.

During the “strange situation” birthday scene, Paul carries around a yellow balloon, symbolising that he is standing in for Care. This is further cemented by Anna’s dialogue addressing Paul as if he is Care on the day she came home, “You made it. Happy birthday! (...) Why are you covering your face? (...) Of course I recognize you. Those eyes. That nose. That’s still you.” (Petscop 14).

This next dialogue from Anna is particularly interesting to me; she doesn’t just tell Paul that she’s happy Care is home safe or ask him where she’s been, but instead she says this, “I sure hope you’ve realised by now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve changed. You aren’t lost. Stop wandering and come home.” (Petscop 14). When we talk about Petscop, we have the urge to deny any supernatural involvement in the story. Whether through AI or predictive programming or alternate timelines, we want Petscop to be plausible. Understandable. Easy to digest. But, we often forget that Paul poses the question of a literal “ghost in the machine” in the first few episodes. I want to consider this quote– Anna talking to her child who has been “lost” for many years– as an act of this ghost. The game is talking back to Paul, telling him that no matter how much he has changed, he still has the same eyes, the same nose that made him Carrie Mark. And we know how important eyes and noses are in Petscop. Also as a side note, consider how Anna didn’t specify eyebrows; we know that Care’s lack of eyebrows is in some way due to Marvin, but when she tells Paul she recognises his eyes and nose, she doesn’t add on eyebrows. Paul said it himself in Petscop 7, “Um, and why am I doing that? Well, because eyebrows seem to be important.” (Petscop 7). I like to think that she couldn’t have said that Paul has the same eyebrows because, since Marvin isn’t in the picture anymore, he wouldn’t have any reason to pluck them.

Another scene that mixes up Paul and Care is the counsellor's office. When Paul finally enters the “girl wall” in Petscop 22, he is placed into a school’s counsellor’s office. Again, they talk to Paul as if he is Care, apologising for taking him out of class and saying he needs to “catch up”, implying that he’s missed a significant amount of school. As they start to play Graverobber (Jesus Christ, Rainer), the counsellor is confused about Paul’s name; they ask him if they have the wrong name written down, as his save file is currently “Strange Situation” and when they called out the name on file, Paul didn’t respond. Now, the connection here is a little more nuanced, but it still comes to a conclusion that I think greatly supports the theory. “Strange situation” is in reference to the Mary Ainsworth Strange Situation Experiment, a test in which an infant is deliberately separated from their mother to test their level of attachment. This is a very base level understanding of this concept, but when applied to this specific scene, it becomes apparent that this “strange situation” is another reference to Care. Care was separated from her mother for about half a year, only returning during the birthday party scene; the counsellor’s scene was accessible once Paul started using the “Strange Situation” file. Care stopped recognising the name she used before the seperation, considering herself to be “Strange Situation” instead. She has literally stopped recognising the name Care, and picks out her own name (which in the game Paul sets to his own).

Also consider the implication of the “girl wall”. At first, it’s an absurd joke, meant to lighten the mood using the same roundabout humour the rest of the series has. But, the counsellor asking if they have the wrong name, listing Paul as “Strange Situation” instead of his name, combined with the fact that when Paul is placed in front of the girl wall, he can’t walk away from it, it becomes a bit of an analogy; The game keeps forcefully showing Paul the word “GiRL” over and over and when he finally enters the “girl-world” as Strange Situation, he is called the wrong name and once again placed in Care’s shoes.

Let’s revisit the “ghost in the machine” idea. In Petscop 17, we are shown a past recording of Petscop; we never find out who was playing at this time, but it’s easy to assume Paul is the one watching the recording. The footage is less interesting than the dialogue, but it is notable that it’s a recording of the player running backwards in a very deliberate pattern. The actually relevant part of this sequence is Rainer’s monologue; in particular, the way he frames it, “You are a girl named Carrie Mark, and you were born on November 12th, 1992. You have a mommy named Anna, a daddy named Marvin, an auntie named Jill, an uncle named Thomas, a cousin named Daniel, ......I know what you must be thinking. Have these statements always been true? Or have I cursed you? Is there such a thing? A curse that changes your past?” (Petscop 17). There’s something about the forcefulness of this dialogue, “You are Carrie Mark,” as if Rainer is trying to make it so just by saying it. The inclusion of the birthday is also notable; we have been shown time and time again that Paul and Care share a birthday, and that this is an important part of both of their characters. So, when Rainer asks if these statements have always been true, or if it’s “a curse that changes your past”, we’re meant to interpret it as such: some of the statements are true, but the “you” being addressed is not currently “a girl named Carrie Mark”. Rainer casts a spell to make the player retrace their steps and although he might not be playing, the use of the word “you” and present tense language makes the statement pointed towards Paul. There’s something to be said about Rainer’s position in all of this; he isn’t the only tangible “ghost” in Petscop (Marvin and Tiara fit Paul’s definition established in Petscop 6), but he’s the only one to be fully dead. It truly feels, in this moment, like Petscop– like Rainer– is talking directly to Paul. The “curse that changes your past” is the part that ties it all together. This past that Paul doesn’t fully remember, where Anna and Marvin have a daughter named Care, where someone in his family went missing for months– by learning about this through the game, Rainer is essentially changing Paul’s version of the past. Your memory and physical evidence are all you have of the past; when your memory tells you one thing, but physical evidence tells you another, what version of your past is true?

“You’re the Newmaker. You can turn Care NLM into Care A, and close the loop.” (Petscop 9)

Finally, I want to explain why this theory is supportive of the themes of Petscop. Of course, there’s the obvious link between rebirth and the change from Care to Paul. But, there’s also themes of blood family versus chosen family, breaking the cycle of abuse, and of healing from your past. I want to provide an explanation of each of these themes and how the “Paul is Care” theory fits into them.

Let’s begin with the family point, since I already expanded on the family’s role in Petscop earlier. There’s a story behind the scenes in this series; the conflict between the chosen family versus the blood family. Anna and Jill against Belle and Lina. Anna and Jill are restrictive– they take over the channel and block certain things from the audience. Paul admits that he’s intimidated by them, and he’s concerned when he thinks Jill could be in contact with Belle. When we get the only dialogue from Jill, Paul is hostile and aggressive with her, something we don’t see from him otherwise. Alternately, Anna comes off as dismissive in most of her dialogue; when Care shows up at the birthday party, Anna treats her like no time has passed, like they haven’t been searching for her for months. We don’t get direct contact between Anna and Paul (except for a phone call in Petscop 11 that you could interpret as being with Anna), but the way she talks to the player through Care during the birthday party is still dismissive, “I sure hope you’ve realised by now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve changed. You aren’t lost. Stop wandering and come home.” (Petscop 14). There’s a level of distance between Paul and the family, which is evident from the name alone; Paul identifies himself as part of the family, but he still calls them “the family” as opposed to “my family”. When you pair that with the fact that he calls them all by their first names instead of any term of endearment (like how Rainer calls her “Auntie Jill” in his spell), it paints a clear picture: Paul does not want to be part of this family.

In direct contrast, Belle is shown a significant amount of affection from Paul. Not only is he on the phone with her for a good handful of the episodes, but Belle also has a familial connection to Paul. In Petscop 2, Paul is talking to Belle and he says “When you come home next month, and uh, hopefully you're feeling a little more enthusiastic about that now, we can investigate this together, and maybe you'll find stuff that I can't find here.” (Petscop 2). I think the casual use of the word ‘home’ to describe where Belle is staying implies a certain closeness, maybe even that they live in the same household. That’s not the part of this line that is important to me, however. Take a look at Belle’s final speech at the end of Petscop; Belle says “I could not wait too be your friend,” and Paul responds, “Family”, to which Belle says, “We can investigate this together.” (Petscop Soundtrack). After distancing himself from the family, as well as directly telling her she’s not part of the family (following it up with “Uhh... I didn't- I didn't mean it that way,” (Petscop 22), implying they have a similar connection that she’s defending), Paul calls Belle family. She states that they’re friends and Paul corrects her by telling her that they’re not just friends, but family. The most gut wrenching part of this dialogue is the use of ‘we can investigate this together’. It’s like a ward, a promise that Belle is making to Paul. He doesn’t have to go through this alone, she’s promising to be there for him. She’s going to investigate this with him, like he asked her to in the second episode. Paul doesn’t call his blood relatives family, but he tells Belle that they are his family; her and the “Boss”.

How does this connect to Care? It’s not hard evidence, but when you take this theme of family into account, it makes more sense for Paul to have a strained relationship with the family if we apply Care’s story to him. Think about it; Paul was ‘smuggled away driving too [his] new house’ and he hasn’t seen the family since he was a child, and Care’s egg was (metaphorically) placed with Belle’s and the New Life Letter when she would have been around 5, since that’s the age she was when she was kidnapped. Care went through an extremely traumatic event in a toxic environment– why wouldn’t someone step in and take her out of that family? To me, this theory extends the same closure Paul gets at the end of Petscop to Care; it tells us that even after everything she went through, she finds people who love and take care of her.

Abuse is a huge focus in Petscop, both as a plot point and a major theme. Rainer’s main motivation is to expose Marvin’s abuse of both Mike and Care to the family– whether or not that’s successful is not important. Because years after Rainer’s attempt, Paul is back doing the exact same; although, his playthrough of Petscop is less of an expose and more of an attempt at solving the mystery. Now, I think it’s a little pedantic, but in this context, I think the “cycle of abuse” in Petscop refers less to a generational cycle, but a continuous cycle that happens every time Petscop is played. Care is stuck in this version of the past that Rainer has created, forced to live through it as many years as Petscop is left on. Paul doesn’t continue this cycle though; as far as we know, Paul is the only person to reach the good ending of the game, where he’s rebirthed Care into the egg and reconnected with Belle and ‘Boss’. Paul is the only person who could understand what Care needed, because it’s exactly what he needed.

Care’s trauma is replayed for us throughout Petscop. Every knowable aspect of it is shown, leaving behind a raw feeling; like somehow, Paul and Rainer have made a spectacle of her abuse. But, I don’t think that’s entirely true. Rainer, although he is bitter and vengeful, is ultimately the person who finds the truth about Care and Mike and (if we are to believe him) is also the one who found Care at the school. In the beginning, it’s obvious that Paul is playing the game to see the mystery and is slowly engulfed by it throughout the rest of the series. When the game tells him that, “Marvin picks up tool hurts me when playstation on,” (Petscop 3), Paul proceeds anyway. The same happens when Care is caught in her room; Paul sees what is obviously a child being kidnapped and continues to solve the puzzle anyway. He picks the flower, catching Care NLM, and leads Marvin to the house. Paul follows through on everything he can to ‘solve’ the mystery of Carrie Mark, but in the end, he defies what the game has told him to do and saves Care. He does what Rainer couldn’t do: he breaks the cycle of abuse in the Mark-Leskowitz family. It’s kind of poetic, the idea that the person Care grew to be is the same person who confronts and lays to rest her trauma. The fact that playing his own theme would be the key to changing Care into the egg (a symbol of birth and potential) is beautiful.

The last thing I want to talk about is the theme of healing. This concept is more nebulous; we don’t see much of Paul post-Petscop, but the final scene does always leave me feeling hopeful for him. I think the reconnection with Belle and ‘Boss’, alongside the reassurance that, “[they] can investigate this together,” shows that Paul is out of the mindset and environment Petscop put him in. I’ve always thought that throughout Petscop, we see a deterioration of Paul; in the beginning, he’s intrigued and confused, but we see him become more and more disturbed, irritable, and frustrated towards the end. This is first evident with the CD puzzle in the house, where Paul is so out of his depth and confused that he stops acting with the same calm rationality shown throughout the earlier episodes. Then, when Paul is messing about with the demo recordings, he stops speaking in the videos entirely. When Paul sees the final blacked out object, which are coordinates to the real life windmill, he is the most stuttery we’ve ever seen, “Hm. Y- y- yep, yep. Yep... yep. N- we would- we would have to find out how big... like, we'd have to find out how big a tile is..? One of the tiles..? Like, if we could- if we could figure out how big... one tile is, in... u- in, umm... Like, feet. Or... Uhh, yeah. Meters.” (Petscop 22). He’s frazzled and excited and a little bit scared, evidenced by how he talks about the family, “They didn't... I don't like talking to them. They intimidate me…” (Petscop 22). All of this changes by the end; Paul is no longer stuck playing the game and he’s free to return to the people who love him most. This freedom is summed up in a single image: the final one we see in Petscop. Paul’s chair is empty and the blue sky beyond the desk is brimming with hope.

All this to say, Paul choosing Belle and ‘Boss’ over the game as well as saving Care by doing what’s best for her instead of finishing the final puzzle, alongside his final scene where he is welcomed home by his real family, shows us an interpretation of Petscop that paints it not as a tragedy, but a story of chosen family, breaking the cycle of abuse, and healing trauma through connection.

Thank you so much for hearing me out.

Bye-bye!

[snowyroads]

can we please have a snippet of whatever you’re working on right now? please 🙏🏽 i’ve been refreshing your tumblr and ao3 for weeks now. sorry i just love your work!

babes im literally so sorry!!!😖😖 I’ve been neglecting you all 😫💔💔

and don’t be sorry AT ALL i appreciate your love for my work sm!!🥹💗💗

so i’ve been working on like all my wips all at once (which i probably shouldn’t do and should just focus on one at a time but i’m crazy like that)

so below the cut imma give you all the snippets i have so far for some of my wips in hopes of holding yall over till i can get my shit together and post something 😭😭 (tho last time i went on Ao3 it was down 😔)

The Game Plan au: (it’s based off a movie btw, so if you haven’t seen it then this probably wont make any sense but it’s a bit of a slow burn one w Joe and Ja’marr so)

Ja’marr plans to spend his free day relaxing on his couch. With no football game or practice, Ja’marr has an empty schedule. The tv plays some ESPN analysts on last week's games but Ja’marr pays no mind to it. He thinks most of those analysts are full of shit anyway.

He’s close to taking a midday nap with his dog Tiger curled up next to him when he hears his doorbell ring. Confused by the unplanned guest and his doorman not telling him about a visitor, Ja’marr turns the tv off and slowly walks to his door, looking out the peephole only to see nobody there. Ja’marr throws open the door, ready to cuss the ding dong ditch-er out but he stops himself when he looks down to see a young girl.

With brown skin and dark curly hair down to her shoulders, dressed in a bright pink puffer jacket and a purple suitcase sitting beside her. Ja’marr understands why she’s here now.

“Oh, look, I don’t want any girl scout cookies.” Ja’marr apologizes and goes to close the door but the little girl sticks her hand out to stop it from closing. “Alright, look what I got,” Ja’marr pulls a hundred dollar bill from his pocket. “Here ya go.”

The little girl looks at him like he’s crazy. “I don’t want any money.” She says. Tiger barks somewhere behind him. Ja’marr watches in shock as the girl lets herself in, pushing past him and the heavy apartment door.

“You have a bulldog!” She exclaims, crouching down to pet him. “Come ‘ere boy!” His vicious attack dog runs up to her and immediately rolls over on his back, letting the little girl scratch his tummy. Traitor.

“Hey, weren’t you taught about the danger of strangers?” Ja’marr asks, confused as he follows the girl into his living room. He doesn’t know what to do with the kid, who clearly can’t take no for an answer. “Where are your parents?”

“You’re not a stranger.” The little girl finally says as she continues to look around the apartment in amazement. “This place is huge.” She says in wonder, completely ignoring his second question.

“Wait, go back. What do you mean ‘I’m not a stranger’?” Ja’marr persists. The little girl stops wandering around and stands in front of Ja’marr, giving him her full attention.

“Hi, my name is Mya Chase and I’m your daughter.” She says.

Ja’marr must be dreaming. He laughs, “Larry put you up to this, huh?” Ja’marr says and Mya scrunches her eyebrows together. “The guy downstairs at the desk. He told you to prank me.” Ja’marr laughs again but Mya just stays stoic before eventually rolling her eyes.

“She told me you would do this.” She mumbles and unzips her pink coat to grab something from a hidden pocket inside the jacket. It’s a white envelope with ‘For Ja’marr Chase’ written in bold letters. Ja’marr takes it and opens it to see a birth certificate. Ja’marr scoffs and looks back to Mya, who’s still completely serious and unbothered. “Your name is on it.” She says, shrugging.

“My name is on it…” Ja'marr chuckles and pulls the certificate all the way out and reads the bottom of the document. “Father: Ja’marr Chase.” With his signature and everything. Or well, a forged signature.

What the fuck.

“Why do you have so many pictures of yourself?” Mya asks. her hands trailing against the glass of his trophy case, leaving behind grubby little fingerprints. Ja’marr ignores the question and instead calls for backup.

Tee Higgins shows up in a matter of minutes. The first thing Ja’marr says when he walks in is “Help.” And that’s when Tee sees the little girl sitting at the kitchen island with a barbie doll in her hands.

“Oh!” Tee says in surprise and Ja’marr gives him a look of ‘I told you this was big’.

They whisper to each other at the other end of the island as Mya pays attention to her doll. The birth certificate sits idly in between them.

“I mean, that’s definitely your name on the certificate.” Tee points out.

“Thanks Tee, I didn’t notice that.” Ja’marr deadpans. He rubs at his eyes, dragging his hands down his face with a sigh. “I don’t know what to do, man.”

“Well, have you talked to Kelly yet?” Tee asks. And Ja’marr looks down at the paper with Mother: Kelly Harris written on it. He hasn’t even thought about her in the midst of everything.

“No, we haven’t talked since I went to her house to break things off and we…we—” Ja’marr suddenly remembered what happened the last time he saw Kelly. He turns to the fridge behind him, “I’m hungry, is anyone else hungry?”

“Ja’marr, when did this ‘We’ happen?” Tee questions.

“Like, eight or so years ago.” Ja’marr whispers back and Tee turns to Mya.

“How old are you, kid?” Tee asks.

“Eight.” She says simply, Tee turns back to Ja’marr.

“Congratulations, Ja’marr.” He says with a grin. Tiger barks in the background. Ja’marr feels like they’re both laughing at him.

“This can’t be happening.” Ja’marr sighs. He can’t have a kid. Not with the Championship right around the corner.

(so as you can see Joe hasn’t even been introduced yet so that one’s gonna be a long one)

Pro Bowl angst: (this came to me after watching all the clips we got of Joemarr during the Pro Bowl and i wanted to write almost like a character study of Ja’marr’s thoughts throughout the events and shit)

Ja’marr’s excited about the Pro Bowl games. Really. He enjoyed going last year and despite being upset about not being in the Superbowl, he’s ready for the fun-natured competition.

The hot Orlando sun beats down on his back, he feels sweat bead down the side of his face. After a week in the cold Paris weather, Ja’marr relishes in the humid air.

The world around him is dark and orange, the sunglasses propped up on his nose allows him to glance around without being too noticeable. They’re outside of the stadium, getting ready to take some team photos; fans and camera crews standing all around them. Ja’marr meets a few fans, signs a few jerseys and footballs, and does some interviews for the media. It isn’t until he’s set free does he spot Joe.

Wearing the same red shirt Ja’marr has on, only difference being the number and the name on the back, Joe squats down to talk to a little kid with a football that’s almost as big as him in his hands. It’s now that Ja’marr’s thankful for the glasses hiding his stare. Ja’marr watches as Joe intently listens to the kid in front of him, nodding every now and then, blue eyes squinting from the harsh sunlight.

(that’s literally all i have so far😖😖😖)

sorry once again that i haven’t posted in forever tho!!! :( it’s literally like just a whole brick has hit me and i can’t get inspired to write cuz i do have time to now but i can’t get my fingers to type 😭😭😭

soon my lovelies, soon 💗💗💗

[thiefof-trefl]

So I haven't seen anyone compare the (alleged) UHC Shooter to Rodion Rascolnikov, and maybe I'm delusional but that's all I can think about every time new info is released.

Ok so it started when I saw this post

And told my friend "wouldn't it be funny if he saw the og post and it was the last straw? Like when Rascolnikov went to that bar in the beginning of the book and heard other people complaining about that usurer?"

Then I started really thinking about it and maybe I'm doing too much and they're not that similar but this is Tumblr, hear me out:

1. They're hot. Seems silly but being attractive can really change how public views you. Characters in the book often acknowledge Rodion's good looks while being very open and revealing in conversations with him. And sure Tumblr would probably be thirsting after "the Adjuster" even if he weren't conventionally attractive, but the overall public perception of him was greatly positive and I believe it is also due to the halo effect.

2. Personal feelings covered by ideology. I'm not saying the shooting was purely selfish. It had a great impact on the industry and was something many thank him for. But from what we know Mr Luigi had a major back surgery and suffered from back pain. It is very possible his own experience with the healthcare and Insurance industry was what first pushed him to see it as a problem. Rascolnikov struggled financially and kept on borrowing from the usurer leaving every valuable thing in his possession as pledge. His resentment towards her and his own circumstances was converted into an ideology about people superior and people lesser, which validated his decision to murder her.

3. Masterplan and stupid decisions. It's easy to see how brilliant the execution of the assassination was. The place, the timing, the escape. He even managed to leave New York during the manhunt. But there were missteps along the way. Going to Starbucks, flirting with the hostess, reusing the fake id, wearing the same clothes. Dumb little things that could be written off to both stress and arrogance. Reminds me of silly mistakes Rascolnikov did after murder. Dropping a jewellery box on the way out, keeping the bloodied sock, coming back to the murder scene. But that's where I also see a big difference. While Rodion was overcome with paranoia and fear, I suspect (just an educated guess, I don't know him personally) that our Shooter might have felt too... Proud of himself? The assassination succeeded, he escaped the police, left the state and the public at large loves him! I know it would make me feel invincible.

4. Game of cat and mouse. This one's not as big, just a small similarity. They both mock the police. Rascolnikov during in person conversations and the Adjuster by leaving the backpack full of monopoly money. Hilarious in both cases.

And finally

5. Letting the police catch them. It's just a theory, not really backed up by anything other than conjectures, but I can see why it might be true. Rodion Rascolnikov tired of constant paranoia and guilt driving him crazy goes to the police and confesses to murder. The alleged UHC CEO Shooter Luigi Mangione was arrested after being recognised by a McDonald's customer. He was wearing the exact same get up as during the shooting. And though he used a fake id at first he then admitted his real name. One might think he gave up. It's disappointing but I can't blame him if that was his decision. Living on the run is exhausting. In just two days he had already left so many traces and clues. And he killed a rich guy at that, which we all know is not the same as killing a normal person. The family and police would spare no resources to find him and it would go on for a long time. Years of fear and hiding- that's no life. Right now we can only hope the evidence will be found insufficient and he won't get convinced.

So yeah, had to get it out of my head. Sorry for any mistakes and words used in a wrong way, translating long thoughts into English isn as easy as I thought.

Please, please, please let me know what you think, does it make sense or am I crazy?

[witchblood-if]

Small Update (and sad news?)

My loveliest lovelies!

First I want to adress the most important news that has already been spreading on Tumblr for the last couple of days:

The shutdown of beloved dashingdon.com

There's been a kind soul or two in my inbox that has informed me of these circumstances, as well as pretty much any IF-blog on here.

I always kind of assumed that would happen, as the alternative site cogdemos.ink has been around longer than I've been working with IFs and I had read about it as dashingdons successor when I first started looking into having a possible game hosted. I've seen people on here being shocked and sad (and weirdly the-end-is-near-y) about it all and I get it. But these things happen frequently as time goes on. In any case I thought the guy on who's shoulders the weight of the whole ChoiceScript-community rests (namely Don) is also hosting this new site.

So, what we'll do is: I upload the game on CogDemos andd change the link on both intro and announcement post (and it absolutely doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I lost the password to my dashingdon account, nuh-nuh, no Sir). I fact, I have already done it (and here's to hoping it works, please report back if anything doesn't work)

With this I will also upload the bits and pieces of the first chapter that have been sitting on my computer since forever, so... New content, yay! (It's not entirely edited though, so a couple of errors in wording and spelling should persist)

I will also use this opportunity and announce the sad news of putting Witch Blood on hiatus for the time being.

Over time I realized that I pretty much bit off more than I could chew, with it being my first actual writing experience. And it's been a lot of fun to learn! But as I've been working more and more on my first fanfiction over the past year I noticed how my approach for Witch Blood was certainly organized in a way but not enough or at least not in a way that works for me. Additionally creating a whole new world is more complicated than I thought because it makes you question everything. I tell myself that I don't have to have all bits and pieces sketched out and logically working, the only thing that matters is what ultimately takes place in the story anyhow. Whatever happens outside of it could be causing more problems than it solves (and God knows I don't want to turn into She-who-must-not-be-named and her whole "I've had this all planned out since the beginning and I am certainly not making this up on the spot because someone asked"-shtick).

But! I am not giving up. I personally still like a lot of things I've come up with. Just the way of going at it isn't working and at this point a re-write is unavoidable.

In other news I recently had a look into Twine, mainly because in a video I saw how great it is to visually represent non-linear storytelling, and it would work really well as just a visual (which I've been looking for since forever) but why not use it for coding as well? There's a couple of helpful things guiding you in contrast to having to do everything from scratch with Choice-Script. I don't think I will be doing any crazy visual effects, since I like the simplicity of CS a lot, but Twine would be interesting to use anyhow.

So, with this absolute monster of a post I also want to thank each and every one of you, who have still stuck around even though there was so much silence on my end! Special shout-out to the lovely Anon asking me if I am okay some time ago!

My inbox will remain open though!

And now, as always

Hugs and kisses

Carter

[filmofhybe]

Hi, requests are open right? Can I request what type of fanboys enha would be for idol!reader?

type of fanboys enhypen would be for idol reader

pairing : ot7! x reader genre : fan x Idol , fluff 400-500 words per member warning : none

a/n: first request in ages!! Keep them coming in would mean a lot! Icl this kinda turned into a send off / fansign typa thing so I hope you don’t mind and enjoy!!

> masterlist of my other works

© filmofhybe on tumblr — do not copy , translate or share.

정원 jungwon

this guy is your biggest fan he just doesn’t show it

unlike your other fans, he’s really respectful which makes you remember him

and he’s cute and somehow always wins a video call or fansign with you

folds everytime you call his nickname that you gave him

“y/nnie can I give you something?”

“of course wonnie!”

hands you the cutest beaded jewelry and plushie ever

“oh my gosh thank you so much wonnie!!”

Would let you win in a hand wrestling contest

he would freak out when he sees you wearing the jewelry he gave you

He would also freak out when he sees you posting the plushies he gave you

Will post about it on weverse and you would thank him in the comments.

Goes even crazier after that

You both are like best friends 😭

He’s fr famous among your fandom

yk how some ppl in some fandom are so well known they get verified on twitter

Yea that’s him 🤭

#dedicationfr

희 승 heeseung

That fan that would cover all your songs (and the successful ones)

Gets shit tons of views on your covers

which you would notice his videos and talk about how talented he is on weverse

Bro freaked out

Probably be posting about it on all his social media for the rest of his life (even facebook)

“YALL SHE NOTICED ME!!”

“Watch me brag about this for the rest of my life”

Would thank you so much for the compliments when he goes to ur fansigns

“Aww no worries heeseung! Your covers are always my favorite! I listen to them everyday! I even subscribed to your channel as well!”

Are you meeting heeseung or is heeseung meeting you rn?

“What’s your dream y/nnie?”

“My dream is to collab with you!”

Luckiest fan on earth honestly cuz you both did a collab a year later

#successfulfanbehavior

박종성 Park Jeongseong

THE ONE WHOSE RICH AND GO CRAZY !!

buy like 40 albums at once just to win a fansign with you😭

AND he would buy like 5 of your concert tickets

Doesn’t matter if your going aboard for your concert

Watch him be there and in the VIP sections as well

Man he really doesn’t care if he spend all his health insurance on you

All he cares is that he sees you and your happy

Always catch him during send offs

You both have the chaotic yet causal talks ever

“Omg jay your here again?”

“Yup! Got another ticket to see you!”

“Your crazy for spending so much!”

“Is worth it when it comes to you.”

would buy you the craziest gifts ever

Branded bags, games , jewelry , plushies etc

Would 100% send you a food truck for good luck during your MV filming or comebacks

You would thank him on weverse cuz you knew is him who would do these type of crazy things

What he’s doing is all of your fanboys biggest dream

#thecrazyrichfan

심재윤 Sim Jaeyun

You can’t tell me he ain’t those funny ass twitter stans

#y/nselfieday 😝

“STOP WHY SHE ATE THIS COMEBACK UP SM?”

Would fight those antis on twitter

“You can’t even talk cuz your face be lopsided and elongated lmao.” - jake

“And what about you? Stop using Google translate for your Korean captions🙄” - anti.

“sis I’m Korean?!”

He will make edits of you and I don’t make the rules on that

“my fav stage of y/n but make it my edit for her xoxo!!”

Would go Borderline excited when he got tickets to your concert

ALWAYS POSTING THE SEND OFF VIDEOS OF YOU

“Y/N TOUCHED MY POLAROID CAMERA IMMA CRY NOW.”

“guys y/n mf knows my twitter. Imma die.”

gets embarrassed when you tell him you know him through his funny tweets and you secretly reads it for positivity

Man could die peacefully after that

#sillybillytwitterstan

성훈 Sunghoon

Another really respectful fan but he’s so shy when it comes to fanboying

More the quiet ones but he would be spotted so easy because of how beautiful he is

Please he stood out the most during your send off

Icl when you saw him you thought you were dreaming a cute fan boy?!?

When you walked over do him his heart stopped. Like omg YOUR MORE GORGEOUS IRL?!

“hi y/n~ can you sign my album please?”

“Of course what’s your name?”

“Sung-sunghoon.”

“Such a cute name for a cute boy!”

Bro your such a flirt💀

He couldn’t handle it and all he did with mumble thank you

“You want a picture as well?”

All he could do was nod and you took a picture of you both tgt

Posted on his social about it and everyone was saying how pretty you both looked

Which made him less shy the next time he saw you

“Omg sunghoon! Hi how are you?”

“I’m good how bout you y/n?”

“I’m good! Glad your less shy now! I was so excited to meet you!!l

He’s the pretty, handsome shy fanboys and will always be😝

#shybuthandsomefanboy

선우 Sunoo

THOSE REALLY HYPER FANS

And those fans who has a shop dedicated to their idols

I mean your kinda hyper so like I get why he would love you

Another chaotic twitter stan but make it weverse

Would pay for your me membership everytime

You would never see him without those little membership tags next to his name on weverse

He would be those fans to say “I love you” mid way while your speaking on stage

You would always react to them with a laugh cuz you find it really funny and cute

His cuteness really captures your attention and he would go insane after you mention about him on your weverse live

“I saw this fanboy during send off, he had pink hair and cute cheeks. Really high pitched voice and he gave me this cute plushie keyring that looks like me. So thank you whoever you are!!”

Knew it was him cuz he was the only fanboy in the crowd with pink hair and was the one who got you that keyring

Would 100% start gifting you clothes for the keyring and you would post about it from time to time

You secretly supports sunoo’s little keyring business after he started selling the one and only y/n keyring

#hypercutiesellerfan

にしむら りき Nishimura Riki

Trend setter fan and secretly hyper fan

We all know how good niki is at dancing so when you drop a new song he danced to it with his own choreography that has gone viral.

LIKE VIRAL VIRAL

and every fam girl of yours was like “omg y/n has a cute fanboy!!” “y/n needs to see this.”

And you did see it and posted about it on weverse as well as Instagram

“Look at him!! He’s so talented!! Time to recreate!!”

NIKI WAS IN HIS PREDEBUT ERA FR LMAO

kicking his feet under the blankets cuz he just got noticed by his idol

Would go insane when you did his dance

Man got to see his dance live as well cuz you performed it during your concert

During send off you can easily tell it was niki in the crowd

“Your the creator of my dance niki right? Your so talented!!”

Are you meeting niki or Is niki meeting you? 2.0

“Haha thank you so much! You did so well as well!!”

You continue to do covers of his dance which makes him go feral everytime

Post about it on insta but behind the screen he’s like :

“She’s about to hire me to be her Choreographer” -niki

“Stop the delusion.” - heeseung

“Watch me.” - niki

Bro predicted his future cuz now half of the your dance is created by him

#trendsetterfan

taglist : @surefornext @spilled-coffee-cup @skepvids @amymyli @in-somnias-world @okjaeminn @nonotwice1 @thinkmyg @blubbfsh

Please comment or reblog to be on the perm taglist :)

[triviallytrue]

Watching something as iconic as NGE is kinda funny because every now and then something happens and you're like "oh! that guy! from tumblr!"

General thoughts:

Poor Shinji. Dude keeps getting put in situations.

The Ender's Game comparison keeps coming up for me - child soldiers utterly essential to the cause. The big difference is that they are just completely flubbing their psychological management in NGE - in Ender's Game they had eyes on the kids 24/7 and maintained in-depth psychological profiles on all of them, whereas in NGE they have loads of money and manpower focused on maintaining the EVAs but their equally-essential pilots are just... going to school. Shinji got punched and they didn't know!

And what is Misato's deal, anyway? She's in her 20s and has a crazy amount of authority (she just requisitioned all of Japan's power) and they're just kinda... letting her manage Shinji? It's not her job, but she's just doing it? She's his commanding officer but also his mom/sister, which is a really bad combo. Also I don't think I'm imagining the grooming undertones, those seem intentional.

The real motivator for someone like Shinji is (of course) his social connections - the two schoolkids and Rei, and then maybe to some degree Misato, and then even more distantly his father. Kids don't put themselves through severe distress just for the abstract concept of "saving the world," especially a world that has thus far been very unkind to them. To bring back the Ender's Game comparison, this feels like a very deliberate point that Graff and friends were aware of (the way they used Valentine as a strategic resource) but in NGE it seems to be mostly happenstance that Shinji made some human connections before completely shutting down.

Rei thus far is an interesting foil to Shinji. Normally I get kind of put off by scenes like the one where he walks in on her, but it gives you a lot of important information about both of them. Shinji, underneath all the abandonment issues and repression, is still a pretty normal kid - awkward, horny in that embarrassing adolescent way, deeply self-conscious. Rei is alien (or perhaps just very autistic). She just doesn't clock 90% of the tension at all. She pilots the EVA without complaint (though perhaps with equal psychological distress, just heavily repressed). She also gets along very well with his shitass dad, which is revealing in its own way.

I'm told there is another child, a red haired one, named Asuka(?), the thus-far only implied Second Child. Wonder why she isn't here yet?

I heard that it was some kind of twist that the EVAs were alive in some sense, but doesn't that naturally follow from the first couple episodes? Unit 01 moves to save Rei without a pilot and then goes berserk to kill the angel. Maybe there's more to the twist that I don't know yet.

What's up with the angels? Why are they here, what do they want, what are they exactly? Who cares. They are a plot device in purest form - they enable the rest of the show, but the show is not meaningfully "about" them. They didn't half-ass it though - the designs are absolutely phenomenal.

Oh, and there's some second project NERV is working on, a human transformation thing that got mentioned once and never again. That will probably be important eventually.

[salubriwrites-blog]

Mr. Reca/Black Swan brain rot

UPDATE: The spirits in my walls won't let me sleep until I bang this out (hehe, bang). I'm learning how to write and update on tumblr, so thanks in advance for your patience!

I can't get over him, he's so fucking unhinged. I'm back on my Rarepair bullshit.

I decided I want to write a short story (10 chapters, tops) about his romantic entanglement with Black Swan.

Taking place after the events of the 2.6 story at Paperfold University, Reca and Black Swan decide they wanna play one of their kinky little games that they've developed during their relationship. Keeps things interesting and improves their connection, healthy shit like that.

"The Amnesia game" (these are Memokeepers we're fucking with, after all), where the couple take turns being the one who "goes under". This time its Mr. Reca. Black Swan will erase all of his memories of her, and through loosely planned circumstances that they negotiate before hand, the pair fall in love all over again. This is meant to be a happy ending story that explores cutesy themes like, even though they may forget each other, their hearts will always know the way home.

Since we know absolutely nothing about Reca, I'm taking some creative liberties. Including but not limited to, giving this man a first name. This will be mildly canon divergent, cause the world building is gonna go crazy but-

Take this teaser:

“You’re here,” he declared musically, swinging the front door open to the sight within. Reca’s heart played monkey bars on his ribs and he felt like a child again, smiling like this for Black Swan. Leaning against his kitchen counters, turning only her head to face him, she was tasting the contents of a pot. Her purple hair was wound up tight into an elegant twist that accentuated her profile, neck adorned with jewelry befitting her rank as Memokeeper. Amber eyes glittered anew as Reca dropped his bag at the still open door and strode inward to her. 

“Of course, it wouldn’t be home without me here,” Black Swan laughed, throwing her head back as his lips reached for her bejeweled neck. Lifting her off the ground, Reca half spun her before setting her back on her two feet. Not that she had to fall far, Black Swan was taller than him by a foot, she held his face and tilted it upwards, admiring his face like she hadn’t been able to for months. Her lips were plump and glistened with gloss when they kissed, warming his shoulders and dragging him in. “Welcome home, Elias dear.”

[barkly-523]

About Dutch van der Linde

Hello tumblr rdr space! I do not go here, but I post on tiktok sometimes and have a dear buddy of mine who ive been talking to about some posts on here!

I will post a proper introduction at a later date, but for now I would like to put my own two cents in on some stuff ive been seeing recently, about Dutch.

Dutch is an incredibly COMPLEX character, and I feel that some people really horrifically miss that point sometimes. whether it be "Oh, he bonked his head!" or "Oh, this man is a monster!" both points are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but I believe they greatly miss the overarching theme of his character and who he is, and was, as a person. To merely dismiss all of his actions by saying "oh, hes just a monster, abuser, groomer, thats why hes the way that he is" shows nothing above a surface level understanding of his character, nor the characters of the people around him and those who choose to work with him. These characters were designed to have depth, to be studied, and understood on a deeper level. Why take such a basic explanation? I am not here to say Dutch is not without flaws (because he has alot of those), but I AM here to say that calling dutch a "groomer" or some sort of "cult leader, master manipulator" is just, factually incorrect.

Firstly, with the grooming point. This is an incredibly stigmatized word nowadays, so its crazy to use in general here, but by no means were people "groomed" into being outlaws. These people had flaws of their own, took bad paths, and ended up crossing paths with Dutch. Why did they cross paths with him? Well, I went through every "how they joined the gang" story I could find, and its about a 50/50 split between they tried to rob or kill dutch, Or that they were on the run and dutch gave them a safe place to stay, with some exceptions. The odds of these people bumping into someone far worse, in all cases, are exceptional. Most of the gang were in bad places when dutch found them, and they were getting desperate. Its incredibly possible they wouldve bumped into someone who wouldve killed them instead. John was saved from being hanged. Had Dutch and Hosea not been there, he wouldve died. Arthur outright says "dutch saved me, saved most of us." and although things did not turn out right at the end of the day, to believe that dutch was nothing more than a power-hungry manipulator is shown to be incorrect in the media itself. Colm exists. Hes literally right there. An antagonist who; doesnt know the names of the men in his gang, is shown to hit Kieran, who cares more for numbers than connection. Their feud goes back YEARS, and it all seems to stem from a fatal disagreement about how things were being run. When they split paths, Dutch keeps a tight knit gang of people who he considers family, Colm continues to grow his gang in numbers. At the very start of the game, dutch makes it clear that hed prefer the gang doesnt split up, that they stick together so *he can be sure everyone is okay.* He shows sympathy for Sadies situation, and takes her in to help her. Not once is it stated shes obligated to be there, in fact, its stated that she can stay as long as she needs to, to get back on her feet. She has the final say on whether she stays in the gang or not. The reason so many people stayed in the gang until it was actively collapsing, is not because dutch was forcing them to stay. They saw him as family just as he saw them.

Its why his character arc is so interesting. Its why watching his downfall is impactful. he ISNT a bad man, he does bad things out of desperation towards the end of the game, just as other gang members did in the very beginning. Dutch had bad tendencies, but he had people there to help him stay on the right track. His beliefs were good, its why he had people who stuck with him. They believed in what he taught. He had incredibly intelligent people in his gang, I'll use Lenny and Hosea as my examples for now. Lenny was taught by his father to judge peoples character, and even if his time with the gang was short he absolutely wouldve picked up on dutchs behavior if he was hiding behind some sort of mask. and HOSEA, has been with the dude for 20 YEARS. You cannot fake something for that long, and hosea is far from stupid aswell. He is a conman by nature. If dutch was trying to con everyone, surely he wouldve noticed. Arthur still regards dutch incredibly highly for a good majority of the game. He sees the man as a mentor and is clearly deeply affected watching dutch spiral and do bad things as the game goes on. At the beginning, when told Dutch had shot a girl on the blackwater job, his first response is to say that it "doesnt sound like him". Dutch is shown to have remorse for his actions, although he chooses to rarely talk about blackwater, and avoids the subject when its brought up, he explains to hosea, with shame, that he "really messed up" in blackwater. Micah had egged dutch on (as stated by John in a camp interaction) and dutch is shown to be regretful, that job really put everything in motion, but I truly believe micahs manipulation is what changed dutch.

Micah fed into his impulsive side, and tried to reassure him when things went wrong. When Arthur was kidnapped by Colm, Micah explained that Arthur was the type to wander, and surely, theyd see him back at camp. Dutch, ONCE AGAIN, shows regret. He shouldnt have put Arthur in such a position, and knows it. Dutch has impulsive tendencies, he has paranoid thoughts. This is shown in multiple camp interactions and even stated in one of the games first journal entries about the land they were going to settle on before the ferry job. To simply blow off all the depth of his character by saying "oh, hes bad" is so,, lame? Why focus on dutch specifically to say he did all of these bad things on his own accord when micah is, right there. Dutch literally goes crawling back to him in the epilogue. Partly for revenge, since seeing arthur on the cliffside was able to briefly break him out of the funk hed been in for the last few months (albeit far too late), but also partly because I dont think he knows how to be alone. I dont think he can handle it. Hosea and Arthur had been by his side the longest, and he had to watch both of them die. Late game conversations between dutch and arthur have always been fascinating to me, and even in Guarma dutch is still set on going back to keep the gang together. Thats his family, and he cannot lose them too. He outright states he'll do whatever it takes to make sure they survive. Arthur is startled by this, as dutch has been shown to be deadly and irrational, he isnt processing things well, and cannot handle the pressure on his shoulders, and it certainly doesnt help that Micah is in his ear telling him that Arthur and John are betraying him. He clearly doesnt want to believe it, but he cannot wrap his head around hoseas death, and assumes that the only way it couldve happened was if someone ratted, completely overlooking micah.

Dutch is not a smart man, and truthfully, he should have never been in a position of power, but he is not evil. He was desperate, and he was trying to keep his family together. Although I do not agree with the "Trolley Theory" for reasons stated above, I highly doubt him bashing his head like that helped with his mental state either. Dutch is desperate. Dutch does bad things, but he is far from a bad man. He helped the people in his gang, and although the found family turned sour in the end, they mattered to him, and it mattered to the gang. Dutch, CANONICALLY, was not always "bad" either. Arthur, Dutch, and Hosea robbed a bank, took what they needed, and gave the rest to the local orphanage. Dutch scolded Arthur for robbing someone who was "too poor" and said that doing that made them just as bad as the system they were fighting against, Dutch helped Hosea get on the right track and stopped him from stealing just about anything he could get his hands on. Dutch is a man who had good ideologies, and wanted to help people in his own way, but the pressures kept adding up and it broke him. Dutch, in RDR1, is a more objectively "bad" character, But look at how they fleshed him out in rdr2. Was the cliff scene nearly as impactful before the release of rdr2? absolutely not! Playing as john, we were thrown in with a baseline knowledge of their history, and now knowing the full story makes the cliff scene quite the harrowing experience if youre able to grasp the intricacies of dutchs character, to look at him as more than "just a villain".

This turned out to be far more ranty then I wanted, but I am so tired of seeing so much mischaracterization and demonization of a character with literally days worth of content to look at and study that shows some of the points I see from people to just be blatantly wrong. Lol

[icantrememberwhoiwaslastdecember]

Intro Post

Hello, hello!

My name is Sienna, and I'm a cis female that goes by she/her pronouns. I'm just your local Australian book-crazy Cancer, here to spread chaos. (as seen from my previous url, @/siennamakeschaos)

PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM A MINOR. DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME WITH NSFW RELATED CONTENT.

People:

@the-soul-detectives - Keefiz/dbd bestie and cognate 💖💖 (and fellow fitz defender <33)

@multi-fandom-lunatic - Writing friend and amazing moot <3 (AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE)

@please-be-nice-im-sensitive - Greek/epic/pjo moot, inbox lurker (with a suspicious collection of paintings SOMEWHERE 👀)

@thishumanformislimiting - Chaos demon moot. Sane? I think not. (are any of us sane?)

@wait--where - kotlc moot that i tag for tag games most of the time LMAO

@sun-of-icarus pjo/chaos friend from another corner of the internet u.u

@icantrememberwhoiwaslastdecember idk who this is. very very weird person, i'm sure. /j

Tags:

#sienna's random shit - my chaos tag

#sienna gets an ask - when i get an ask

#alex brings le chaos - @the-soul-detectives in my inbox

#that one multi fandom lunatic - @multi-fandom-lunatic in my inbox

#that one random bisexual in my askbox - @please-be-nice-im-sensitive in my inbox

#the chaos demon in my inbox - @thishumanformislimiting

i've vented a bit on this blog, i'll work out a tag for it soon, but i tag all vents #tw vent

<3

keep in mind that i use tone tags. A LOT.

Fandoms: (I'm only FULLY active in a few on tumblr. but feel free to send me asks about any!!)

Keeper of the lost cities

Dead boy detectives

Shadowhunters (book series, not the tv series)

EPIC: the musical

Greatcoats

Spellslinger

Babel

Caraval

Nevermoor

Wicked (the movie/musical)

PJO (haven't started HoO yet.)

The Prison Healer (I need a re-read 0-0)

Assistant to the Villain (MY dumbass read the second book first ;-; fuck my life. /lh)

oh shit this is long- oopsies

Ships in my fandoms <33

Kotlc:

KEEFITZZZZ

Sophiana <33

Marellinh

Kam

Shadowhunters:

Clace

Sizzy

MALECCC >:333

Jimon

Jessa

Wessa

Jordelia

Thomastair!!! <3 (gayyyyy~)

EPIC: the musical

Odypen

Odyseidon (silly)

Caraval:

Scarlian

Dantella

(i have ships for a lot of the others, but i need to re-read. a lot.)

Artists/Music I listen to:

Epic: The Musical

ALEC BENJAMIN <33 ( @the-soul-detectives is my alec benjamin bestie u.u)

AJR (their songs are so 💖💖)

PLEASE SEND ME ASKS, OR ONESHOT REQUESTS!! (i am currently only writing for kotlc, epic, and shadowhunters.)

I'm a really big keefitz shipper and fitz defender btw <33

DNI:

Toxic Fitz haters

Transphobes

Homophobes

Racists

Trump supporters

All of that shitty stuff

If any of you do interact with me, you will be blocked <3

Pinterest: https://au.pinterest.com/theawesomesienna/

Discord: DM me, and if I know you well, or moderately well, I will share my user with you <3

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@siennamakeschaos (the videos are bad 💀)

I'll update this post later on with more info, hopefully <3

(please do the ask thing below for me, pleaseee, i wanna answer questions)

[dumbitchery]

Ixlel and Ajaw

Last night I did the Ochkanatlan World Quest Open Your Heart to Me, I want to talk about my thoughts on Ixlel as a character and all the thoughts that I had about Ajaw during this quest.

Tumblr broke my rubytext so I'm just going to use {curly brackets} to indicate what was original ruby'd.

If you don't recognise "rubytext" as a term, it's supposed to look like this: Little words hovering over the normal text.

The words K'uhul and Ajaw

Before I did this quest, as an Ajaw simp, the information that the words K'uhul and Ajaw appear in this quest was already something I knew about. Even back then, when I saw the screenshots, I guessed that it was a whole lot of nothing, and now that I've seen them in context, I feel that even more strongly.

If you don't remember, K'uhul and Ajaw appear over words in Ixlel's dialogue as rubytext:

Ixlel: For you are the noble one, the Chosen of Dragons. Apart from our lost colleagues in rulership {Ajaw}, you alone have the right to give unto me release befitting of my rank. Ixlel: This is a step of self-protection, and only by this may I not violate the destined {K'uhul}, sacred law.

We know from Kinich Story 5 that K'uhul Ajaw is just a title and not an actual, real name:

It may seem strange that Kinich, loner that he is, goes nowhere without a certain self-proclaimed "K'uhul Ajaw" — meaning "Divine Lord" — hanging around him.

In these rubytexts, Genshin is doing what it usually does with ruby text, it is just providing an alternative word in the relevant dialect. Anyone who is even vaguely interested in Mayan history will know what Ajaw means. It is not actually about Ajaw The Character.

Ajaw The Character rotted in a cave for like, 10 thousand years, or something. Unlike Ixlel he is crazy and eroded by time (in the sense that Zhongli talked about in that one quest ages ago). I don't think he knows his own name anymore, so the title K'uhul Ajaw is all that he offers as part of his weird chuunibyou fantasy. Do I think that The Character Ajaw DID used to be a ruler of some sort? Yes, it's likely. But he's so weird about it that I'm going to keep bullying him.

Even the wiki page about Ixlel seems to have taken the "Ajaw" thing at face value.

In the past, she may have been acquainted with Ajaw, as she refers to him as a "lost colleague in rulership."

While I do feel that it is likely that these dragons knew each other, I do not like how they reached that conclusion. It's also likely that The Character Ajaw IS one of her lost colleagues in rulership, I just wanted to make it really clear that she is not namedropping him or speaking of him explicitly.

The horror and revulsion of draconic evil

While I was playing through this world quest, I couldn't stop thinking about the horror game Amnesia: The Dark Descent. The way we progress further and further underground with no easy way of return, the way that all the pieces of paper you pick up tell such bleak stories of death, decay, cruelty, and some sort of deep, eldritch evil as the human characters uncover an ancient artifact that is beyond their comprehension. Ixlel's sealed self seems to radiate a dark, unknowable curse that torments the people who are digging, and she appears in Manqu's vision in a terrifying way. (Artisan's Memo (II))

Back when it happened, beneath that giant, grotesque statue, I met a young woman within Och-Kan's fire. Slowly and calmly she walked towards me, as if the fire were nothing more than a gentle spring breeze. Her face… I have never seen anything like it. Even the purest of crystals could not be fashioned into the likeness of such skin, nor could the purest of turquoise be carved into such eyes. Yet for reasons I cannot explain, that face, which should have been the very picture of beauty, was… so nauseatingly repulsive. I did not know who — nor even what — she was. I opened my mouth and wanted to beg her, beg her to save me, yet my lips… had been burned beyond all recognition, and I could not utter even a single word. She smiled, a smile laced with a cruel and arrogant malice. She held my face in her hand, and from those turquoise eyes, golden tears fell into mine. And then I saw it. A colossal creation, far larger than the rolling mountains, shining with a brilliance more dazzling than obsidian, floating in the sky like a volcanic cloud. Around it circled countless giant metal birds, greedily sucking away at its dark blood. I saw shadows driven by flowing flames, climbing high from distant horizons to the moon up in the sky, from which tremors and sighs were sent out unimaginable distances via but a single string woven from gold and white copper. She sneered by my ear, as if all humanity had achieved up to this point was nothing more than child's play, as utterly inconsequential as the doings of ants, of beings capable only of crawling around beneath the heavens, trembling away while seeking their inglorious graves. And what they fought, what they were pitted up against, was an inveterate foe as formidable as an entire world. Through those turquoise eyes, those pupils whose beauty was almost terrifying, I saw naught but endless, unfathomable darkness and void; a space that no language could describe, unlike anything I have ever seen in the brief few decades of my transient life. So it was that I began to scream, stumbling as I crawled along that path, but even my blood-curdling screams were drowned out by her laughter, and dissipated without a trace. When I next woke, I was lying here alone. I did not dare look back, lest those profane, forbidden things, those things that no person should ever know, might catch and tear me to pieces. The others must all have died, perishing in the flames of Och-Kan's fire. Perhaps those were not her tears. Perhaps they were simply drops of water that fell from that giant, grotesque stone statue behind her. Perhaps there was nothing in the fire, and that woman was just an illusion of my delirium, something I imagined as I stood on the precipice of death. But now, none of that matters; for I am still alive, and that is all that counts.

I'm going to keep referring back to that passage.

This... evil, grotesque uncovering of a sealed dragon forms a parallel to the discovery of Ajaw in Kinich's Character Story 5.

All this goes back to an ancient dragon ruin that was rumored to contain a "secret draconic treasure." It was unearthed due to an earthquake, and before long, had attracted much attention. After more than a few initial surveying parties were lost, however, any interested parties that were still remaining began to wise up. At this time, Kinich was already a Saurian Hunter of some repute, and thus was invited by one such team to join. It was only after they had entered that they found the place teeming with monsters and mechanisms, discovering that it was far more perilous than the rumors had suggested. Some died, others were wounded, and others still fell back, until at last only Kinich reached the ruin's depths. And that was where he encountered the ancient being, K'uhul Ajaw, who had been sealed away. He immediately sensed the wickedness in the other party's voice, but also realized that its power might be useful even so.

They gloss over it but man, people died, lol.

I don't know, I just think it's interesting that these dragons are supposed to be nauseatingly horrifying to an average human. And then you meet them and they're just kind of cringe little guys. The way they are spoken about makes them feel like they're some type of Keter SCP.

I like the little crumb that apparently ritualistic killing is more normal than corn in dragon society.

Ixlel: Cut my chest open as you would peel Grainfruit leaves, and dig my heart out. Paimon: Sure... Uh, wait a minute. You just said something super scary so casually... Ixlel: Scary? You mean the Grainfruit? How chicken-hearted you are, elemental floating object... Paimon: What? What are you talking about? Who'd be afraid of Grainfruit anyway? Paimon's talking about that last part, with the whole "dig out your heart" thing! Ixlel: Hmm? Is that not a more pedestrian thing than Grainfruit? Ah, Noble (Traveler), do you not have your servants attend you as you partake in sacrifices?

Parallels with Ajaw

I guess my above section already starts to go into how Ixlel and Ajaw have a lot of parallels with each other. There are a lot of things we can extrapolate about Ajaw now that we have met Ixlel.

Human form: In Manqu's vision (I pasted almost the whole thing higher up), Ixlel appears as a disgustingly beautiful human woman. I think it's safe to assume that Ajaw likely had his own human form back in the day, though whether he remembers what it looks like or if we will ever be able to see it is something that I do not know.

Entrapment: It's pretty obvious that the nature of their entrapment is similar. Ixlel's full name is even Ix Uxul Tz'ib Bolon Ch'ule-L {Type-L Self-Regulating Overseer Array Integrated Processing Unit}, as you can see from the rubytext, those fuckers gave her a name as if she is just some fancy model of computer! When I first met her, I assumed she was some ancient dragon AI module, not a real dragon who got trapped in a statue. In the quest it is shown that she has limited "life force" in this state and by the end she uses it all up and dies. It makes me feel like Ajaw got really lucky getting imprisoned the way that he was. Whether he too has a limited life force is unknown but the way that he has a human form lined up (Kinich) makes me think that he has an ever-evolving life ahead of him. He is fortunate to be able to project himself with phlogiston, unlike Ixlel who at best can appear in the sick delirious burning visions of humans, something that we don't get to see for ourselves.

Outlook on life: Ixlel is still quite level headed and tormented by her memories, explaining to us that they are a curse to her (and the mechanism by which she was imprisoned?). The whole quest is about her asking to die in a dignified manner, for she knows she is slowly dying anyway. Compare to Ajaw who is kind of delusional, seems to have forgotten a whole lot of shit, and is generally bent on staying alive and making it everyone else's problem.

Sovereignship: This is something I am very hazy about, but whenever Ajaw would call himself a sovereign I had thought that he was trying to pass himself off as the literal Pyro Sovereign. Perhaps he Was trying to lie about that, or maybe I'm just fucking stupid, because Ixlel introduces herself as the sovereign of Chichen Uctokah which according to the wiki is the original dragon civilization in the area of Ochkanatlan. I'm not going to fact check that myself so I just hope it's true. So yeah I'm... hmm I can't reach a coherent conclusion with this information but it's something I will chew on. It just recontextualised to me what a dragon could mean when they say Sovereign.

Thoughts on the Chosen of Dragons: I like how Ixlel recognises Lumine as the Chosen of Dragons and immediately thinks highly of her. I think this is partially why the human character Manqu has such a hostile encounter with her, whilst we get to have a fairly wholesome conversation with her instead. I don't think Ajaw knows Lumine is Chosen of Dragons and I'm unsure as to if he is able to do anything with the information, but as someone who is obsessed with Ajaw's relationship with the traveler it gives me another thing to think about.

Ajaw death flag?:

Ixlel: Hehe... It seems you have yet to meet my colleagues of old. Ixlel: Otherwise, they would have told you that destruction is our destined {K'uhul} path. There is no need for another, nor is it possible to find one.

(I don't actually think it's that serious, I'm sure all the "erosion" that Ajaw has gone through is probably destruction enough.)

My thoughts on Ixlel as a character

Ix Uxul Tz'ib Bolon Ch'ule-L {Type-L Self-Regulating Overseer Array Integrated Processing Unit}... When Paimon takes her long name and just decides to call her Ixlel instead, I thought that was so rude, but as usual I immediately took it on and started using it myself.

Side note about Paimon:

It's my headcanon that Paimon knows all of the dialects in Teyvat (for there isn't just Teyvatian, there are MANY real world languages that are in Teyvat, most obvious example is how Yun Jin always sings in Chinese no matter the dub) and that is why we are able to "read" all the papers we pick up, because it feels unrealistic to me that they would ALL be written in Teyvatian instead of the regional dialect. Anyway, according to the wiki, Ixlel is a Mayan Tzeltal word that means "little sister". This choice of nickname kind of intensifies my headcanon about Paimon knowing all the languages. It also makes it a very cute nickname.

Hmm... You know, if her full name just translates to that rubytext computer name... I just realised that her original name must have been lost as well. Do dragons even have names at all, do they just go by different titles throughout their lives in the same way that their physical form is constantly changing? Or are Ixlel and Ajaw just specific cases... Unsure if Ixlel is also 'eroded' or if her name was overwritten when she was imprisoned, it's probably the latter.

When I did the quest, I actually did the entire thing thinking that Ixlel was male. Only when I was reading more scraps of paper in the final room did it click for me that the evil woman in Manqu's vision and the stammery dragon statue were one and the same.

I LOVE her. She has overthrown Apep in my mind as the sexiest dragon waifu (lol). And I miss her so much already...

She has that same dusty old haughty way of speaking that Ajaw does, but she's much nicer to us and stammers when she gets flustered...

And she got enslaved so bad

Wasn't going to drink tonight but I'm missing Ixlel like a motherfucker

[asher-agere]

omg omg please I've literally asked every agere pjsk person on tumblr this because it's my fave headcanon ever but HEAAAAR ME OUT

Polyshow but Emu's a VERY frequent involuntary age regressor to like 3-5 (just like me teehee) and voluntarily can regress really easily to whatever age she wants (though she often just sticks with 3-5), Tsukasa's an involuntary stress regressor to just babie and voluntarily regresses to like 4-6 years old when it's time for babie adventure with the gang, Rui involuntarily regresses to like toddler age when sleepy (he just like me fr) and voluntarily regresses to like 5-7 years old and is a little MENACE, and Nene said regression was "weird" until rui calmly explained to her that she had visibly regressed to a 3-5 year old and screamed at him to put sofia the first on tv like two days ago (she had no memory of this- or so she claimed). At some point she just kinda. Quietly joined in. Nobody mentioned anything so as not to hurt her pride.

AND GET THIS GET THIS THEY GO ON BABIE ADVENTURES INTO THE FOREST!!!! IMAGINE THAT!! And they play pretend and dress up bc they're theatre kids and this totally is not a self insert (I kin the entire wxs unit except for nene)!!!! but like thoughts feelings more additions to the vibes

Hi I LOVE this???? These are the absolute silliest of kiddos right here and omg I love them so much…

WxS Littles

˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

𐙚 I think these adventures are almost always started by Emu, occasionally by Tsukasa? But only if he’s regressed involuntarily I think. Rui just naturally plays on his own, he doesn’t really think about inviting his friends to play with him. And Nene is just way to shy… But luckily Emu is never afraid to ask to play! Sometimes someone will agree to play even if they’re not regressed, saying they’ll babysit. Emu makes it her personal mission to make sure by the time the play date ends they’re all feeling tiny!

ᯓ★ I’m gonna start off with all of their favorite games… First up Emu! Listen guys I know that we all agree that little Nene likes to play mermaids, but that game is so made for Emu… Emu is absolutely the kid to be like “Yeah yeah! And my tail is pink and shiny but it also has like rainbow scales! Oh and I have kitty ears! And I can control the weather! Oh and-“ And she just goes on and on. She’s also the kind of kid to like playing wolves, any game where she makes up a character? Yeah she’s making it completely outlandish and silly (Purple wolf with red eyes and telepathy during a full moon)

⭑ Tsukasa! Loves! To! Dance! And! Sing! He’ll pick out the perfect music and props and costumes for everyone! And obviously he expects them to do as he says, he’s the troupe leader right? This can lead to meltdowns though because he absolutely does not want to listen to any suggestions. This is his game! He’s making up the rules! If someone annoys him too much he assigns them the role of the audience instead of a performer and they’re instructed to cheer for him. Yes just for him, let’s face it by the end of the show all of them are in the audience. Emu can survive for awhile as a tree but eventually Rui and Nene are watching her more than Tsukasa and he doesn’t like that

❀˖° Rui is the dangerous kiddo… There’s a tree? He’s proposing a challenge to see who can climb the highest! Somewhere to swim? Who can hold their breath the longest! You get the gist. Nene refuses to compete in these challenges, always nervous that something will go wrong. Tsukasa sometimes tries to cheat and Nene will call him out on it which leads to some lighthearted bickering. Emu is actually usually the winner of these challenges- She has a knack for random skills and she’s crazy athletic

𐙚 Nene time! You may be wondering. Ok Asher, if you gave Emu mermaids what does Nene like then huh? Nene liked to play shop! They’ll all set up a booth to sell things! Tsukasa sells performances, Emu sells crafts like drawings or bracelets, Rui sells toys, and Nene sells flowers! They use things like acorns for currency. Tsukasa usually ends up going broke (Nene makes him pay like double), Emu also usually ends up going broke because she wants to buy all this cool stuff from her friends! Nene ends up giving Emu money while Rui saves Tsukasa by taking over his business (Tsukasa doesn’t realize what’s happening even though he agreed to it)

ᯓ★ Emu is the resident bug kid! She’ll grab a handful of bugs then run to show them to her friends! Tsukasa screams so loud, Rui tries hiding behind Nene, and Nene doesn’t mind seeing them! But if Emu puts a bug on her she starts crying. When Emu gets bugs out Tsukasa usually climbs a tree to hide (He doesn’t realize that Emu can not only climb trees but she’s faster than him at it). Rui tries to act unbothered but he’s absolutely terrified of them. He also isn’t very well hidden behind Nene and has to crouch down a lot, which gets very uncomfortable very quickly. Tsukasa tries calling him up into the tree to save him though!

⭑ I think they’d like to play house! Emu is always the dog, usually a talking dog? But sometimes she thinks it’s funny to just bark at her friends. The other threes roles depend on the day, Nene is only ever a kid if Tsukasa is though so they can be bickering siblings. Tsukasa is voted to be the best dad because he gives them ice cream for all the meals. When Rui’s a kid he usually just talks to Emu and pets her which she is overjoyed about. Emu’s favorite line to say is “Wonderbark~!” Usually with some kind of silly pose that leads to her falling over in some way. Tsukasa tries to copy her! He’s better at not falling over

❀˖° Dress up! Nene likes to dress up in long flowy costume dresses, she also uses them as an excuse to not do the others crazy schemes “I can’t! I’ll get it dirty!” Emu likes mixing things that don’t go together at all, think Christmas dress with armor with cat ears with a tiara. And probably fairy wings- Emu loves dressing the boys up in dresses and telling them how pretty they look! Nene laughs at them and Tsukasa gets embarrassed and Rui absolutely OWNS it, he’ll do twirls and pose and everything! Emu happily claps and jumps up and down for all of her friends!

𐙚 They love playing pretend! They’ll go into the forest and divide into good or bad teams (They say it’s randomized but Tsukasa and Nene are almost always good and Emu and Rui are almost always bad). Nene the wonderful princess gets captured by the evil Rui and Emu! The Alchemist and his assistant (Cue Tsukasa saying “No- Emu! Puppies can’t do magic!”) And Tsukasa is the brave knight on his way to save the princess! Obviously the good guys always win, usually by showing the others the light, making them stop being evil. Emu loves to scream out “Happily Ever After!” However it loses its effect by the end because she shouted it like 5 times throughout the early game

ᯓ★ I think they’d all work hard to recreate Nene’s favorite video games in real life! Mainly Rui comes up with the ideas, Emu over enthusiastically carries them out (Sometimes messing things up cause she’s so excited), Tsukasa has absolutely no idea what they’re doing (He can be clueless if he’s not really interested) but he’s happy to try and follow instructions! They’ll find sticks and stuff to use as pretend weapons and random odd shaped objects for puzzle games! Emu will get incredibly attached to fragile things like leaves then cry when they get ripped

⭑ Emu loves making friends in the forest! Everyone else is fairly supportive, Nene can get spooked easily though and she’ll hide behind Rui. Tsukasa always charges ahead claiming he’ll clear the path to protect them, which leads to Emu tackling him screaming about doing it together. Rui is like a narrator, always commenting on the things he sees. I think Nene pulls him down and whispers things into his ear to announce too! “Ah Tsukasa found a rare friend, our star runs- Ah Nene? … Yes yes, he scurries like a cowardly mouse-“

˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

I LOVE LITTLE WONDERLANDS X SHOWTIME. THEY’RE LITERALLY SO SILLY

[DNI ID: An orange box with a darker orange border, to the left are blocks from the Wonderland Sekai and to the right is Wonderlands X Showtime. Dark orange text reads “DNI if your blog isn’t child safe. I will block NSFW accounts” End ID]

[dragonagitator]

Gale Dekarios / Modern Girl in Faerun BG3 fanfic snippets & ideas

I've begun writing my very first fanfic, a "Modern Girl in Faerun" author self-insert for Baldur's Gate 3 in the tradition of the "Modern Girl of Thedas" fanfics for Dragon Age.

Premise: A woman who has played a lot of BG3 is transported to the world of BG3, where she uses her foreknowledge of events to pretty much obliterate canon. End game is Gale/MGIF romance, but at an even slower burn than in canon because he thinks she's batshit crazy.

It'll be a very long while before I'll be ready to begin posting chapters on AO3 because I'm writing the scenes out of order whenever inspiration strikes instead of chronologically. But I've been posting occasional snippets and ideas to Tumblr as I go, so here's a pinned post where I'll add links to that stuff in case someone wants to read a bunch of disjointed crap from a WIP.

Criticism is very welcome! I've never written a fanfic before so I fully expect it to be terrible, and I'd much appreciate any feedback that would help make it less terrible before the final draft goes up on AO3.

Scenes & Dialogue Snippets:

Is the somatic component an erection?

Um... what language is that?

200 gold, same as in town

How can you have the word ‘lesbian’ with no Lesbos and no Sappho?

Make. Me. A. Better. Offer.

Should I be jealous of Withers, Gale? I know he's your type.

The Book of Erotic Fantasy

Plot Ideas:

Fucked-up idea for why Gale has abs

I just wanted to fuck a hot wizard but now I have homework

Timeline of major events during Gale Dekarios's lifetime

Gale's and Tara's search for a cure to his condition was a race against time for them both

Gale was picked up in Yartar while headed north to die

The lack of Gale Dekarios / Modern Girl in Faerun author self-insert fanfics is killing me

The nautiloid could have plausibly realm-jumped to Earth

Soulless by Toril standards

Wizard of Waterdeep, meet Wizard of Excel!

Astarion is the only companion who immediately believes the MGIF

Traded My Spoons For Knives

Teamwork makes dream work, and my author self-insert dreams of taking a bath

There's only one God you should be worshipping, his name is Ed Greenwood

I'll be asking Withers to respec me from Accountant to Sorcerer at the earliest opportunity

Crippling existential crisis

I am receiving the Shovel Talk from a flying cat

Where's the CIA when you need them?

How to help Karlach in your post-game fix-it fics

Show us on the Waterdeep map where Gale's tower is???

My Big Fat Greek Wedding / Mamma Mia / Dragon Heist mashup

Oh, so you're the local Goddess of Magic? Well, let me introduce you to Hecate and Freyja and the Morrigan and Isis and...

I've already come up with at least three sequels

Tara would be all over Tav's baby bump

Waterdeep needs the Freedom of Information Act

Speedrunning the Enlightenment

Elminster's portal to Earth seems like an easier way home than asking Lae'zel to please hijack me another nautiloid

Gale as a "Faerun Character in Modern Earth"