#i kinda liked my math analogy so i put it here !

[emloafs]

i chose chaos today and dropped chapter 12 of im wanting it back (my amnesia trope binary boyfriends fanfic)

i hope all who read enjoy <3

[zodismegalame]

15 questions 15 mutuals

got tagged by @pensiveabstraction so ya

were you named after anyone? nope. originally my dad wanted to name me Bruno after his grandfather but my mom found a name that she liked and my dad agreed to it!

when was the last time you cried? fuck, good question. tw // suicide: might've been talking about a friend who committed suicide with the therapy group we shared which happened i'd say around a month or so ago.

do you have kids? nah

do you use sarcasm a lot? kinda. more irony than sarcasm if anything.

what's the first thing you notice about people? i can tell if i'm gonna enjoy a person's presence pretty quickly.

what's your eye color? green, although it can be more grey (or brighter) depending on the weather and lighting, apparently.

scary movies or happy endings? i like both. i enjoy bittersweet endings a shitton also, those that are more open or perhaps melancholic while not being outright "bad". sometimes a really good bad ending can be great though (Little Shop of Horrors, for example).

any special talents? i like to think im good at making music, and i do play 4 instruments (at one point i played the trumpet also but i've since forgotten). i'm also pretty flexible and can put both my feet behind my head like a pretzel. also i'm a pretty fast learning.

where were you born? the capital city of buenos aires. i dont remember the hospital's name.

what are your hobbies? listening to and making music, writing and reading, informing myself about other cultures, political stuff, learning about history, drawing (not very well, but still), graphic design, photography, film and occasionally web development.

have any pets? i have a cat who is a demonic goblin and i had a dog who is an absolute angel sent down from the heavens. the dog's still alive but she lives with my grandma now.

what sports do you play/have you played? i played football (or soccer for you filthy americans), went to swimming classes, dipped my toes into volley and i've always wanted to play tennis.

how tall are you? i think around 171 or 172cm. you do the math for imperial units.

favorite subject in school? history, political science, compsci and math occasionally. history because i like informing myself of past events cus it interests me, political science because i like politics and my political science teacher was a marxist so we vibed hard, compsci cause it was easy and we learned some programming by the end and math sometimes cus i like puzzle solving (certain parts were annoying tho).

dream job? making a living out of music, not through some big label tho. just having my own label (or being signed to an independent one), making a modest amount of money, saving up some cash to build a small studio with analog equipment and maybe owning a record shop to promote stuff i like and having a 2nd hand records system that is pretty rare where i live. helping artists i like get promoted here and conversing with labels overseas to help spread the word of music i enjoy outside of my home turf and being able to import artists i like to help them build an audience here as well.

anyways tagging @lukewarmorangejulius cus i don't have any other moots LOL

[izzyfromdeadspace]

Cassie just gave him time as this would have been a lot for him to take in. Especially with how analog he'd been. Without any tech or genetic therapy he'd sufferer for practically his entire life. As he asked questions she did her best to try and answer them. "Well if ya wanna go by Earth years that might be a little tricky. We go by solar cycles here. It's about the year 2524 or so. Dunno how well that translates back inta yer Earth cycles." Sighing she chewed on her lip as that kind of math was never easy to do or explain. "An we've had a lotta scientific advancements ovah the years with the nonhuman sector. Which includes you. Ya may look human cause of yer daddy but I still gave birth to ya. Ya got some Nova blood in ya." When he complained about the brightness she laughed a bit. "It may be bright but Izzy needs all the solar radiation these two suns put off. Without it she'll waste away an die. So we jus kinda adapted ta it. I can get ya some sunglasses to help with that if ya want."

The shift in his speaking and his actions had her worried. Why had he seemingly shut his emotions off? How bad had things been for him to have hurt him like that? Sighing she nodded. "Yeah. Maskes as one a the galaxies biggest grownin religions. They claim ta jus want unity but it's only fer their kind; the humans. They hate all nonhumans and make it known that we're not welcome in their temples. Hell if they knew that Izzy was the granddaughter of one of the most powerful heads they'd kill her just to help him save face. That's why we've been struggling. They took you both when ya were jus kids. I dunno what they did to ya but they all but killed your sister. I know Imma probably sound like a broken record after awhile but I mean it when I say I'm glad that my lil man is finally home."

@blank-vessel

The man with long dirty blonde hair tumbled seemingly out of thin air, he hit the ground and with a heavy thud and a whoosh, all the air in his lungs left him gasping. Rolling onto his side he started coughing, his head was spinning his ears popped from a pressure change and dazed blue eyes searched for answers to his current predicament. Black and red colours surrounded him just as much as they adorned him, groaning he sat up and pulled his hoodie up onto his shoulder, pushing his hair from his face he shed silver stardust leaving his hands with a glittering sheen; he blinked rapidly trying to clear his vision as he became aware of people moving and talking and twisting left and right his spine popped audibly leaving him sighing in relief at the release of pressure before he cracked his neck side to side and then found himself staring up at an older well dressed man, the pale man squinted, “The fuck you looking at?” He snapped irritably before grunting as he got to his feet, knees cracking, he silently cursed his shitty body.

@izzyfromdeadspace

[shoezuki]

This is a post on the cheating accusations around dream mostly surrounding his response video.

If you don’t want to see this or any of these posts then blacklist the tag #discourse

SO I’ve been doing a lot of digging into what dream has said in his response to Geosquare’s original video and report, which was compiled and conducted by the Minecraft Java mods on speedrun.com. 

I won’t talk about that original report in detail, but basically: the mods came to the conclusion that Dream had a 1 in 7.5 trillion chance of getting the pearl bartering rates and the blaze drop odds that he did within the 6 streams he did. As in, someone would need that luck to replicate what dream got. Therefore, he cheated. 

I’m going to put this into a sort of ‘point form’ in according to topic, attempting to put it in chronological order.

Dream’s Initial Tweets

Ok so first like. these are bad. these tweets are what he said (on twitter, excluding in the speedrunning discord) directly after the video was Uploaded to Geo’s channel. 

worth noting he did apologize later, although i wanted to talk about these two instances so i felt the need to include it. 

there’s a lot of interesting wording in the apology tweet itself too. I personally find that when he apologizes he tends to still be very subtextually angry in them with the tone, but more specifically. where he says ‘although i have reason to be upset’, that’s kinda weak and really unneeded. Alongside the ‘intense criticism’, it reads as him trying to say he’s still in the right. kind of like “im sorry i was rude even though I had reason to be rude’. Its an apology sure but he’s not saying sorry for how he really reacted; its justified to him.

Dream’s Response Video

Dream posted a response on his side channel DreamXD on the 22nd, along with the report he had a supposed astrophysicist conduct. I’m going to talk about the report separately from the video for reasons I’ll explain. 

Frankly, the video doesn’t really summarize or explain the report in a meaningful way. At most, it takes some points from it but tends to twist the numbers around, misunderstand the probability and math, and also what the report itself concludes. 

Essentially, dream’s video insists that the numbers found by the mods are wrong and therefore he didn’t cheat at all, yet the report concludes that the numbers found by the mods weren’t entirely accurate, however they’re still extremely unlikely. This is also all under the assumption that the report is entirely correct (ill say how its not next)

His first point is that only his 1.16 run (that was at 5th place two months ago, would have now been 16th) was deemed cheated. This is true; the mods have said that he isnt banned outright and theres no reason to question the legitimacy of his 1.15 runs. 

He also concludes that Geo’s statement that Dream didn’t cooperate with them, and that he deleted 1.16 mod folders, was false. This one is a little more complicated. It could more be chalked up to a miscommunication, although it’s relevant. Geosquare posted screenshots of the specific conversation they had:

Essentially it wasn’t entirely clear, i can understand how geo and the mods interpreted it in such a way. Altho April added in a quote retweet thread that dream didn’t supply the folder she asked for, so he didn’t supply everything they asked for like he states in the video

Essentially: yeah, misleading and weird on both ends. I dont think this is really anything quantifiable, although dream talked about this in the video heavily. 

Out of this though, Geo DID correct himself in the description of the mods’ video. Dream shows this in his own response, but it crops out some of what geo says. here’s from dream’s video

that Update 2 is where he corrects himself. literally why the fuck would you crop it like this and put it in the video i mean this looks so weird and genuinely doesnt provide anything. Here’s what geo actually said

Dream specifically cut it before the line where geo mentions how he said he deleted his specific 1.16 speedrun profile. This one is just so dumb to me. I’d say ‘why not include that’ but either i feel its a) so there’s no potential for people to say what he had actually said could be interpreted otherwise easily or b) doesnt want people to know he got so upset he deleted files (ego wise yknow). Again, I dont think this is definitive of anything but god. it feels scummy lmao

The Video: Incorrect Representation of His Own Report

Dream straight up doesnt present the report’s numbers properly. In fact it makes the entirety of his visuals forfeit, i.e. the gold block analogy that goes on for like 20 minutes. 

The mods said his luck was 1/7.5 trillion. Dream’s report says its 1/10 million (with the addition of 5 other streams) or 1/100 million (only the 6 streams).

I’ll only consider the 1/10 mil odds, since its all dream really brings up. but Basically; there’s not much difference between 1/10 million and 1/7.5 trillion. 

Dream says that the difference is 7.5 trillion minus 10 million, aka 7.4999 trillion. This is what his entire visual with the gold blocks is based on. This is absolutely incorrect, i cant stress that enough. 

You can’t find the difference of fractions by subtracting only the denominators. Like. this is elementary school math. it just doesnt work. 

It’d actually be calculated as: (1/10 000 000) - (1/7 500 000 000 000) = (74999/7 500 000 000 000)

If the mods are wrong, they’re only wrong by 749999/7.5 trillion. that’s literally only  0.000000099999866666667. 

Dream no doubt saw the numbers, considered 10 million vs. 7.5 trillion, and used these big numbers to hold his own point. PROBABILITY DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT. I really think he was just taking advantage of the seemingly big numbers here and wrote it out in a way that favoured him. The gold block analogy in the video played throughout the entire video practically, jokes were made on it, and he made a point of it being ‘so big the game crashed’. 

It’s just plain wrong. even so a difference in the odds doesnt prove shit. He’s downplaying his own odds that he found too. 1/10 million isnt a small number. Even though the legitimacy of that calculation is in question, it is still significant enough to proclaim he cheated. 

Some quick points before I move onto the report; these aren’t as significant in my eyes but it adds to the picture

there’s been criticism of his joking manor throughout the entire video, very specifically the Bill Nye joke. Considering he doesnt actually have a name to provide for his astrophysicist, this joke doesnt feel right

the mod he had a voice clip from (willz) even believes that he cheated and has agreed with the mod team the whole time. 

Dream never has a name for the mod who is apparently on his side (more understandable), the minecraft developer he quoted, or the astrophysicist (most damning)

Dream states that fabric is used by most speedrunners which is true, but fabric and fabric API are different; dream also had the latter installed. my knowledge of how theyre different is limited, all i really know is the API is what can enable editing of the code while fabric is more a modloader. im not entirely sure on this

Dream has said at the end of the video that all funds will go to the mod team so they can make a client that will regulate cheaters. this has been noted as feeling manipulative or like a ‘bribe’, but it definitely puts the mods in a bad position. 

either they accept it and look like they ‘gave in’ to dream and therefore acknowledge him in the right

they deny it and look selfish/taking dream’s kindness for granted

geo said they would insist it goes to a charity instead

Dream constantly disregards the mods as young, inexperienced, ‘just volunteers’ etcetcetc, despite the fact that theyre analysis has been discussed by people with confirmed PhDs without much criticism

Dream’s Report

The report itself is extremely interesting, in that it’s very questionable, but even so it doesn’t come to the conclusion that dream didn’t cheat. The tone between the video and the report is drastically different. 

This is from the “3. What are the goals of this document?” section:

It essentially says this isnt intended, from the very beginning, to completely exonerate dream of cheating. Also note that the author says the mods’ report was mostly correct. 

This is at the end of “9 Conclussions”:

It does notably say cheating isnt the only explanation, but it doesnt actually go as far to say that it’s not possible that he cheated. 

But this can be argued to not matter if we consider the validity of the report as a whole

Dream’s Report: Criticisms

Possibly the first and most known debunking of the report is by u/mfb on reddit, although there’s been much more such as this programmer criticizing the code provided at the end of the report (partially due to how the author of it stated that piglins barter 4-7 pearls, which is incorrect: it’s 4-8), Andrew Gelman, an actual statistician professor from harvard, commented on the original mods’ report as ‘impressive’ while Dream’s report is being regarded as something funny in the comments, and even analysis of dream’s behaviours and his argument by a law student

But what u/mfb posted is what i’ll focus on. Some background into the user; he’s a particle physicist, is moderator in subreddits like r/cosmology and r/astrophysics, he’s regarded as a reliable source on r/askscience and r/askreddit. Basically, multiple other people have vouched for him and before all this he had many posts in these fields. 

that’s already better than the unnamed astrophysicist. 

The post is better speaking for itself but here is a few exerpts from it;

Essentially, the report’s methods are debunked by u/mfb-, alongside that a moderator of r/statistics regarded the report as ‘nonsensical in its application of statistics’ and linked to u/mfb-’s comment. 

i’m going to end this here. Partially because severe backpain or whatever,.

but I want to say at this point its practically definitive that dream cheated, that he lied to us, and that he continues to do so. Much more could be said on his video such as his tone, intentions, the overt emphasis on the ‘biases’ of the mods. 

I havent even mentioned that the ‘astrophysicist’ themself may be a scam; they are sourced from a website that is extremely sketchy, has no names attached to it, and was created less than a year ago (with practically no traffic on it until maybe a month ago). 

But i hope this is coherent. I have interest in this so if theres questions im always open. 

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh Ep33 S4 pt 2: The Best Storyboarder Came Back Just so They Could Draw Tristan Getting Hit in the Nuts

OK lets just get to the good stuff.

God bless you, storyboarder.

(read more under the cut)

The team has entered the Atlantis lair of Dartz, which is also accessible through Paradius in San Fransisco, but youknow...we don’t have magic so it’s not like we could’ve skipped like 10 minutes and just done that instead of the helicopter escape, the Military moment, and the ride through a hurricane.

Oh wait, we do have magic, that’s right...well...for now, pretend we don’t.

Enjoy the snakes.

Strangely, Kaiba does not feel comfortable with the snakes, when snakes really just a smaller and cuter dragon. I love snakes. Never owned one...but I trust em.

Dartz has the Yugioh “old guy” aesthetic of “We just really like yellowed sandstone”

I get that they want this place (and also Yami’s house) to look like a tomb so there won’t be any paint on the wall but this is just a pet peeve of mine that Ancient times freakin loved garish colors on the wall in layers and layers of patterns and yet in fiction we never show that.

But...it doesn’t go with the vibe. I’ll let it go because it would absolutely ruin the vibe to have a bunch of swirly stuff in neon orange and green.

Before we have a chance to grab a step stool and just kinda yoink Yugi Muto, Dartz shows up, and this shot happens.

I couldn’t not grab a cap of that. I mean...look at it. It is SO HARD to foreshorten hands so it looks right and then bam they just did that. It’s just...

...I’ve been breaking down foreshortening in Yugioh shots for a while now trying to figure out why when I do it, it looks like a busted huge hand, but when they do it, it looks really good, and I’m starting to realize that maybe it’s more than just stacking but also...the composition?

You can’t really look at this picture as a whole. The hand is such a strong focal point that you must start there, and then follow down the arm to the face. I think when I do these foreshortening shots I make the hand the same weight as the face, and that’s my downfall. You gotta let the composition force the viewer to slow down and take time in order for the optical illusion to happen...maybe? I’m like over 30 now, you’d think I’d figure this out by now.

Whatever, that’s another post.

So like...what happened to those two people who used to be there????

And now prepare thyself for my lazy math. I know this math is bad. For people out there who feel like working out the geometric growth and calculate just how many souls Dartz slurps up--feel free to tell me. If I like the explanation, I will adjust the Death Count to match it. It’s just too 2020 for me to do more than multiplication at the moment.

Did I count how many people would have existed 10,000 years ago? no. Did I account for plagues? No. Like this math of 4 a day is bad...but eh it’s all I got right now in my mental ammunition.

Something that we did think about was...

Why not slurp up the Pharaoh soul when Yami was still alive? Like we assume the puzzle existed in the past but like...did Yami not get superpowered until Yugi woke him up? Was he in fact useless until he got a little bit of a battery charge during Season Zero when he was dumping people off of bell towers?

And like I get not knowing about the underground Ishtars, and not being able to get a hold of Shadi because Shadi is a lazy ghost, but Bakura was RIGHT THERE. You can’t munch up Pegasus off screen and then say “eh but Bakura’s kinda low tier” we know for a fact that Bakura is not...so like...there must have been some copyright situation where they couldn’t use certain characters. This is a filler arc--but it would have been nice to have at least some explanation as to why it took Dartz so long to finally murder the hell out of Pharaoh.

Which is me expecting way too much out of this show. Just something I was really hoping would get addressed but leave it for the headcanon.

It’s at this point that Mokuba realized he’s standing on top of people.

A crypt made out of human souls! Crazy, usually we’re in a crypt made out of one single human soul....and both of these crypts have Yugi in it.

In Raphael’s storyline, he’s been busy just cleaning up after everyone else. It’s supposed to come off as very serious but I was totally busting up when he’s just dropping bodies into the back of this jeep.

And in the Kaiba Corp plotline, Roland is anxiously wondering if he should be a Dad and save the kids or if he should be a dog and stay in the plane.

He stays in the plane.

Strangely this was the right call. (And this is why Roland has never died)

So they start throwing around cards, as you do, and Dartz puts down his Orichalcos, has he does, when suddenly...they started seeing stuff again. Can’t have a single card game without it.

So the Orichalcos is just a backstory device? For reals?

Something I alluded to quite a few episodes back with Valon was just...wondering why the hell the Orichalcos crew had so much freakin magic as to make all these visions during duels. Turns out...it’s just a thing to occasionally trip on Oricalchos juice. I’m not sure why we never had a vision with Mai, Weevil, Rex, or Gurimo, but at least we now know that Raphael and Valon weren’t as magical as I thought they were.

So we’re in like...outer space. Kind of the last place you’d expect out of ancient Atlantis and Dartz isn’t having ANY OF IT.

And honestly that makes sense. Imagine giving someone 10,000 years ago the run down on outer space. They’d freak. They’d definitely think you’re talking about demons.

If space is an elaborate analogy, we don’t know that yet. For how this is presented, it’s just an old man hootin and hollerin about how much space sucks, and I love that.

PS how anime is this shot of the earth behind the orichalcos symbol and the dude in the middle with the ass length blue hair--really damn anime, right?

Like at least one of you has this wall hanging, right?

For those that are too tired to look it up, Pangea was 280-230 million years ago.

THAT REALLY CHANGES MY MATH.

AND I’M TOO TIRED.

So my thoughts are...either the math is wrong and I’ll fix it eventually in post, depending on my mood come next Wednesday, OR...humanity was deleted and then came back later??? (because the dawn of mankind was 7 million years ago)

OR...

They just felt like drawing Pangea 10 million years ago. Maybe that’s all. Maybe I don’t have to fix anything. I dunno.

Maybe this isn’t Earth.

Maybe Yugioh Earth never had Loma Preita because it isn’t actually Earth. And, like a Final Fantasy situation, is a second planet on a parallel plane of our own?

Either way, I’m not redoing the math because I actually don’t know how to change it anymore. I’m v undecided of the timeline now......maybe the next episode will tell us more? (I doubt this very much)

RIP deathcount.

Yo Atlantis!

I have a lot of questions!

About Atlantis!

And the purpose of the aqueduct going the wrong direction.

Is that in fact the poop shoot?

But wtv it looks neat.

So anyway, that’s all for now, I hope you enjoyed my bad math, and I hope you enjoy your Halloween. Ours is a whole lot of nothing. I’ll be watching lots of Phasmaphobia streams while eating Butterfingers that I legally can’t give to children because it’s an epidemic (butterfingers is like the last candy that my old 30 yo ass can handle without passing out or gagging. Weird how getting older makes me hate all the good things I couldn’t eat when I was younger because I was too young to be allowed to eat them.) and that’s about it.

WHY did Halloween finally fall on a Saturday DURING an epidemic? I only get so many Saturday Halloweens in my youth...just why.

(and here’s a link to read these in chrono order)

[advena87]

Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 9

Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert

also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.

This time I will give you tired Papa Vesemir and bring closer the relationship of Berengar and Lambert as the oldest and youngest brother (don't judge me, I love both of these salty&bitter witchers).

this one is dedicated to @queenxxxsupreme

.

Vesemir: I hope you're not doing anything foolish.

Lambert: I hope you're not hoping to hard.

Vesemir: Minus 5 points

Lambert: What?

Vesemir: I began to score your behavior. When you're on 100 points, I'll make you a witcher.

Lambert: Cool, whats my score?

Vesemir: -1298

***

Lambert: Do you think sand is called 'sand' because it's in between the sea and land?

Berengar: Lambert, it's fucking 3 am. Can we please just go to sleep?

*silence*

Lambert: *starts laughing for no reason*

*Geralt and Eskel start laughing*

Berengar: Why are you all like this?

Lambert: Can I ask you a weird question?

Berengar: Oh fuck, here we go again.

Lambert: Don’t you think “DO NOT TOUCH” is one of the scariest things to read in Braille?

Berengar: Okay, what the HELL goes on in your head?

***

Eskel: Who knew getting in trouble would be so hard?

Berengar: I gotta give you credit, Lambert. You make it look easy.

Lambert: Years of practice.

***

Lambert: I saved your life! Twice!

Geralt: Because you put it in danger! Twice!

***

Lambert: Sorry I'm late.

Eskel: What happened?

Lambert: Nothing happened. I just didn't want to come.

***

Berengar: What's this on your search history?

Lambert: Porn?

Berengar: No, no, above that.

Lambert:...

Lambert: Tutorial how to boil water...

Berengar: You fucking moron.

***

Eskel: Has your dream always been raising a new generation of witchers?

Vesemir: It doesn’t really matter now, my dreams were shattered years ago.

Eskel: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. How many years ago?

Vesemir: How old is Lambert again?

***

Geralt: Lambert, we decided that if Vesemir's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Lambert: Pull.

Geralt & Eskel: ...

Berengar: See? I told you he would do his job.

***

Eskel: Do you believe me?

Vesemir: Eskel, you’re the last good person on this planet. I’d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Geralt: Oh my god, that's enough! Vesemir, why do you always favor Eskel?

Vesemir: I will explain it to you by example. Tell me boys, what do you consider your best quality?

Eskel: I'm a real people person.

Berengar: I don't answer stupid questions.

Lambert: I can speak bullshit.

Geralt: My profile. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Vesemir: …

Vesemir, sighing: So next question: where do you see yourself in five years?

Eskel: On the Path

Geralt: Brothel.

Berengar: Dead.

Lambert: Prison.

Vesemir: And you have the audacity to ask me why Eskel is my favorite?

***

Vesemir: Berengar, for the last time, when someone threatens to kill you, the correct response is not, ‘Then do it, pussy.’

Berengar: Old man, with all due respect, I’m gonna completely ignore everything you just said.

***

Eskel: Lambert, are you sure this is safe?

Lambert: I never said that.

Lambert: But, you know what they say - go big or go home.

Eskel: For once, please, I’m begging you, go home.

Lambert: I’m going big.

***

Lambert: Geralt, what's the signal for "Vesemir’s coming?"

Geralt: Uh... Dippity-doo.

Lambert: DIPPITY-DOO!

***

Lambert: So, we go inside, beat the crap out of them and-

Geralt: I don't know, don't you think we should stop using violence as a way to solve our problems?

Lambert: ...

Geralt: ...

*both burst out laughing*

Lambert: Oh my God, Geralt. Don't scare me like that. For a moment I thought you were actually serious.

Geralt: *still laughing* Yeah, sorry.

***

Vesemir, holding up two photos: Here are two pictures. One is your room, the other one is a garbage dump. Can you guess which is which?

Lambert, pointing at one photo: That one's the dump?

Vesemir, slamming photos on table: They're BOTH your room!

***

Berengar: Everyone has a gay ‘cousin’ in family.

Lambert: I don't have a gay cousin.

Berengar: I'm gonna give you a minute to think about that.

Lambert: *gasp* I AM the gay cousin!

Lambert: But wait.

Lambert: I’ve been thinking…

Berengar: That sounds dangerous, but continue.

Lambert: What's your sexuality?

Berengar: Money.

***

Vesemir: So Lambert is gay-

Lambert: Bisexual.

Vesemir: -Eskel likes goats-

Eskel: Succubi.

Vesemir: -and Berengar is dead inside.

Berengar: Well, that’s true, but it's not related to my sexuality, old man.

Vesemir: So Geralt, tell me please, do you have any lady you like?

Geralt: Oh, no, I just like to date around.

Lambert: *coughs* Slut! *coughs*

Berengar: Bless you :>

Lambert: Thanks :>

Vesemir: ...

***

Vesemir: How could you do this?

Lambert: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Vesemi: Lambert, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass!

Berengar: Lambert, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.

Vesemir: What?

Lambert: Excuse me, what the fuck?

Berengar: You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed and you don't want to pay for it.

Vesemir: It's a vulgar analogy but surprisingly accurate.

***

Eskel: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Vesemir once in a while.

Lambert: We don't know that.

Berengar: Lambert, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried. But I also wish there were a better way to deal with Vesemir.

Lambert: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

***

Vesemir: From now on we have a no-swearing policy in Kaer Morhen. You will have to pay for every swearword.

Lambert: Seriously, Vesemir, what the fuck?

Vesemir: Aaand you have to put a oren in the swear jar. You said "fuck."

Lambert: ...

Lambert: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Vesemir: Lunch is in half an hour! And you have to follow the rules like everyone else!

Lambert: Berengar, can you get me out of this shit?

Berengar: That depends. Are you willing to live in Zerrikania for a few years?

Lambert: Yeá.

***

Geralt: OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you didn’t have to twist my nipples.

Lambert: You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you!

***

Vesemir, about Lambert: Look at him. How is it that he can kill eight people in a minute with four sword blows, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain?

Berengar: Fortunately, killing is a job skill and peeing is not.

Lambert, laughing: Dude, I love you!

Vesemir: How did you come to be his authority?

Berengar: I’m depressed, demotivated, bitter pessimist, without hope and prospects, but even I see something good in him. Unlike you. Do the math, old man. We are what you have made us.

Vesemir: Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you when you’re kid.

Berengar: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?

Vesemir: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Berengar. And let's not forget, you always came back.

Berengar: Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

Lambert, sobbing:  Dude, I love you!

***

Sometimes it stops being funny. It's not like I think Vesemir was a bad father to them deliberately, but if we think about what homes these kids came from, that they were forced to become witchers, that they were mainly brutally trained and subjected to Trials (which were extremely difficult and painful. It’s pure trauma), it's hard to talk about happy childhood. I'm afraid there was pathology in Kaer Morhen. These children were raised by witchers who focused only on making killing machines from them. Looking at Berengar and Lambert, we can see what wounds he left on them. Geralt is also hard to call a ray of sunshine. I believe Vesemir loved these boys, looked after them as much as he could, but I can't believe he was a good father. How was he supposed to be, how could he know, since he was shaped in the same way. I think we can use the term Adult Children of Witchers here.

.

[wastelandcrown]

logan lark’s adventures in trying to appease his parents

CHAPTER 4: a tight-knit family

Summary: Logan Lark is a fairly average high school student. By all means, he should be impressing his parents on all grounds. Except...he doesn’t exactly have a social life. So after his parents give him puppy dog eyes, he decides to join the local theatre's youth production. Good grief...His life is about to get weird isn’t it?

Warnings: Potential ooc behavior, Roman is a theatre brat to the highest degree (Sorry Roman stans), Remus being Remus, (If I miss something please tell me!)

Notes: This fic is based off an idea from @under-the-blue-moonlight. If you wanna be tagged in chapters, please dm me!! This chapter we see a LOT of Patton, a little of Virgil, and some Roman being an ass behaviour. I apologize if this chapter is lackluster, it’s important I promise!! Also I just finished chapter 5...its 3295 of intrulogical fluff 

Pairings: Eventual Intrulogical, Eventual Rociet, Eventual One-Sided Logicality, Platonic Analogical, Platonic DRLAMP

Word Count: 2269

Tagslist: @under-the-blue-moonlight @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @im-actually-ok @hauntedturkeycalzonedreamer

After a few weeks, not disappointing Remus was a weak reason to be here. 

Though he never considered himself a quitter, god he would love to just quit one thing in his life. The thing being theatre. 

When Thomas arrived Roman bombarded him with questions. Turns out, Logan was cast as Hamilton due to his exceptional rapping. Roman, weaker at rapping but a very confident and strong singer, could provide the extremely skilled vocal performance required by Washington. If Logan were to get sick, Roman would play Hamilton and Remus would hand over Maria’s part to his understudy. Which made sense, of course. The beginnings of rehearsals were, by all means, not entirely awful. They were going to learn the music to the show, song by song. The first problem arises with Logan’s absolutely awful stage fright. After the first run-through of the title number, Alexander Hamilton, Logan almost threw up again. People looked directly at him whenever he sang or rapped. The musical director, Jamahl, assured him it was fine. Jamahl, as nice as he was, would be receiving a solid two on Logan’s chart. It’s okay, Logan, Everyone gets stage fright, Logan. That, quite frankly, sounded like a bunch of bullshit. Especially since every time Logan got too nervous and messed up, Roman laughed from off to his side. 

Which shouldn’t bother him. It really shouldn’t. Except...Well, it was infuriating to be laughed at. For something he can’t control no less. He was ready to ball up his script and pelt him with paper until he stopped being a colossally egotistical idiot. Along with Roman’s frankly abhorrent behaviour, Logan also had to deal with feigning...romantic intimacy. Don’t get him wrong, Patton was a very nice guy. But...how would you feel knowing your first kiss would have to be fake for a theatre production? Bad. You would feel bad. So does Logan. Logan is sick of all of this, and by the end of the second week he finally snaps. 

When he hears that during Helpless he needs to kiss Patton, he doesn’t bother to hide his surprise. Of course, after he does, Roman decides to open his big dumb mouth. 

“What’s wrong, Microsoft nerd? Upset that your first kiss will be on the stage?” 

Patton reels back and glares at Roman almost instantly, opening his mouth to defend Logan, when Logan turns on Roman himself. 

“I am beginning to wonder if you ever just shut up,” Logan snaps, fists balled in anger.

“Because honestly, for the two weeks I have been in this theatre program, you have done nothing but spout off like a tea kettle about to boil over all because I happened to be better than you at one thing. So I am sincerely asking, do you ever shut up?”

Somehow, he has done the impossible. Roman is stunned into silence, his face goes red with anger. 

“How dare-” Is all he manages to get out before Thomas calls for a five-minute break. 

Thomas motions for Logan to come over to him, and he’s still fuming. If he were as dramatic as a certain hoity-toity theatre brat, he would be practically foaming at the mouth. Thomas is an adult, so he tries to pull himself together. 

“I apologize-” 

“Don’t. Roman kinda deserved that,” Thomas says with a smirk, “He’s a great kid, but he has a lot to learn.”

It’s his turn to be shocked into silence, because never in a million years would he expect an adult to enable such an outburst. 

“Really though, Logan, Just try not to let it happen again. I’ll let it slide this time, okay?”

With a nudge to the side and a kind smile, Logan is sent to have his break. 

Roman is quiet for the rest of the day. Logan could not be more pleased. Roman’s anger at him was unjustified and awful, he was overall awful. After today, he would need to add a negative rating to his charts. He doesn’t think he could ever get along with someone like Roman without eventually succumbing to his anger and strangling him. Logan knows his extreme anger is wrong, but Roman was just...just...absolutely, unbelievably, infuriating. Sitting in the lobby waiting for his father like usual, he is approached by Patton. Alone this time, without Virgil. Which is strange. 

“You look like you’re about to rip someone's head off,” Patton giggles out with a sympathetic smile. 

Logan sighs and gives him a little smirk, “My apologies, are you going to be getting a ride with Virgil tonight?”

“No, his dad is picking him up! I was actually wondering if you wanted to hang out!”

“I-” Logan thinks on this for a while, then shrugs. It may be for the best. Patton has been very kind, and he has defended him when Roman was being a jerk.

“Sure, let me message my father.”

Patton’s car is a beat-up looking second-hand thing that looks like it rolled out of a dump. Inside, it’s actually very well taken care of. Patton calls the car “Christine” and pats her lovingly. Hanging from the rear-view mirror is a small frog-shaped air freshener that makes the car smell of strawberries. The seats are comfortable, and Patton’s music is sweet. Eventually they pull into a parking lot in a townhouse area, and as they walk down the street Patton waves and says hello to all his neighbours that are outside. 

“You know them all?” 

“Oh, yeah! Lots of them have babysat me, or my sisters! And I’ve babysat for them too!”

Huh. He didn’t know Patton had sisters. Though, the second they enter his house, it’s entirely obvious. 

In the living room, there are three young girls. Patton’s shoes are barely off when the two youngest ones rush him and engulf him in hugs. The older one walks over and smiles at Logan first.

“Hi, which one are you?” She asks, and Patton laughs.

“Delilah Ann! That’s not nice!”

“I’m Logan, it’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Lilah, I’ve heard a lot about you. Mostly ‘cause Pat doesn’t shut up.”

Patton looks a little pouty, but Logan thinks he likes Lilah. She doesn’t look much like Patton at all. Her hair is more wavy than curly, and a very nice strawberry blonde colour. She doesn’t have glasses, and dresses very tomboyish, the only thing that ties them together are their freckled cheeks. She’s only thirteen, but Logan finds her interesting to talk to. While Patton is dealing with the younger ones, she tells him about how she wants to be a mortician and is the smartest in her family. Logan smiles a little while they have a mostly one-sided conversation. 

One thing the siblings have in common is certainly their talkative likability. 

The younger two are put to work on their homework at the dining table, and Patton begins to set up dinner. Logan sits next to the girls at the table, Delilah retreating to her room, chatting with Patton as he cooks. He offered to help but was denied at every turn. Something about him being a guest, and how he shouldn’t have to. They’re discussing their roles in the play when the youngest slams her head against the table dramatically.

“Patton! I don’t wanna do this anymore!” She whines, Patton puts some potatoes in a pot then brushes off his hands on his apron. 

“Do you need help, or do you need a break?” 

“Help!”

Logan peers over her paper and sees a bunch of simple multiplication questions, she must only be in second or third grade. 

He clears his throat, “If you’d like, I could help you.”

“Oh! Oh! Yes! Patton can Logan help me please!” 

Patton agrees, despite obviously looking at Logan and saying ‘You really don’t have to’ with his eyes. Logan likes to teach, he’s more than happy to help out. Especially since Elaine is extremely charming. You can definitely see how much she looks like Patton. Big square glasses, blonde hair in pigtails, tons of freckles dotting chubby cheeks. She acts like him too, spouting out awful dad jokes that make Patton lose it laughing in the kitchen. She tries her best to listen, and manages to actually complete her math homework with a pretty good mark. Her teacher will hopefully be impressed. Logan’s dad texts and asks if he needs to be picked up, but Elaine begs him to stay for dinner and...well he can’t say no, can he? Patton says he doesn’t have to stay, but he wants to. 

He’d never had siblings, it had always just been him and his parents. Though he loved them, and they loved him, it was so...lonely sometimes. He had always wanted a little brother or sister, maybe even a pet, but it never really happened. The energy in Patton’s house was somehow a perfect mix of lively and calm, they felt like they were really a family. Logan relished in it. The feeling of community, full of love so openly given and received. The most he had were very quiet holiday dinners with the few Larks who were left. He remembers being Elaine’s age, he felt so lonely. She wasn’t lonely though, she was full of love. So was Patton. It was very nice. He watches Patton cook and he chats with him while realizing he’s been much too harsh on him. His kindness wasn’t fake, there was no way. He was a real person who was actually that nice. He defended him out of the kindness of his heart. 

Ding.

hey logan wyd rn

Ah, Virgil. That was a pleasant surprise. 

I’m actually at Patton’s house. Elaine has roped me into staying for dinner.

He can almost hear Virgil’s little chuckle. 

yeah she does that hows sophie

Sophie? Oh, that must be the third sister. She’s very quiet, her eyes haven’t once looked upwards the whole time they’ve been sat together. 

“Ahem-Uhm-Sophie,” Logan starts, and Sophie looks up from her homework, “Virgil was wondering how you are?”

Her eyes light up, “I’m good. Is he going to come over?”

She’s good. She wants to know if you will be coming over.

hah, sure tell her to give me 20 

“Yes, give him twenty minutes.”

Sophie smiles, and Logan is reminded of Virgil almost immediately. She has dark brown hair that covers her face and a bit of a natural glare. Her smile is shy, and he wonders if Patton secretly stole Virgil’s little sister. 

It seems like it, even more, when Virgil actually gets there. Sophie’s entire demeanor changes. She becomes extremely talkative and tells Virgil all about how she’s got a new villager in her animal crossing town. Virgil entertains her with talking, going and helping Patton to cook. Logan gets up to help as well, but Virgil waves him away. Virgil looks like he belongs here, in this little dining room-kitchen. He’s laughing beside Patton, talking to both girls and Logan, helping cook and set the table. Logan can’t help but wonder how many times he’s done this before. While Patton is putting the food on the table, the door opens and a tired-looking woman enters. Virgil goes to greet her, and she smiles. Her hair is curly and blonde, her eyes are a cloudy green, she is covered in a smattering of freckles, and she looks...just like Patton. 

Logan gets up to go greet her as well. When she sees him she beams and it’s like he’s been confronted by the sun herself. 

“You must be Logan! Virgil and Patton talk my ears off about you!” She pats his head, and continues, “The boys just adore you! It’s about time you came for dinner!”

He almost can’t speak, and both Virgil and Patton whine about her embarrassing them, but he nods, “Thank you for having me, but I’ve only known them for two weeks, Ma’am.”

The woman looks a little confused, then laughs joyously, “No need for that, kiddo! Just call me Lisa, okay?” 

After patting him on the shoulder, she slinks by and greets all her children. Lilah has come back down, and the whole table is now filled to the brim. Dinner is filling and delicious, Patton really has a talent for the culinary arts. Which is strange considering Logan took him as someone who, like him, couldn’t cook to save his life.

After dinner, Patton brings Logan and Virgil to his room to hang out. They play video games, talk about anything they can manage, and by the time it’s late Logan is smiling. At nine, Elaine and Sophie are whining about Patton putting them to bed. Virgil and Logan wish them good night and Virgil drives Logan home. 

“Logan, I’ve gotta ask...why did you agree to hang out with Patton?”

“Well...I’m not actually sure. I think that I needed it.”

“How do you mean?”

Logan looks out the window and thinks to himself. Why? He’s never had friends, or much of a close family. He figured he agreed because well…

“Patton has something I don’t. It helped me understand him better to see what he has.”

Virgil accepted that, but Logan wasn’t sure he understood it fully. He’s not even sure he does. 

That night, Roman gets a negative two. Patton gets a ten, and written on his pages are the names and personalities of his family members. Along with that, is a very simple phrase. 

I have concluded that Patton is, indeed, a very good person.

Why it took him this long to come to terms with, he will never understand. 

[sleeplessvalley]

mm.

once again finding myself at a point where I don’t know what exactly the self-states are. the term fits but not perfectly anymore.

I have put a (frankly ridiculous) ton of effort into doing research on DID for a number of purposes- to understand how my situation is different from people who have DID, to make sure I have a proper understanding and am not just relying on stuff that doesn’t portray it correctly, to just... be a good person about it, I guess

but some stuff has become clear to me over the last couple of months and. I dunno? some things kinda seem like they’re actually leaning into osdd territory. all I’m really doing here is just trying to make sense of it in this post ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

back in 2016 there was an Incident that resulted in a lot of stuff about my life changing in about a month and a half. would go into it further but really that’s all you need to know shjgfdfhg,, shit happened

this probably should’ve been obvious to me, but I didn’t realize until this year that that whole thing? that whole thing was trauma and the formation of the self-states was very much a trauma response. for a while I had just... mostly pinned it down to drawing a character, going ‘this one’s different. can’t explain how, just is’ and added that one to the pile of others that ‘felt’ different (now I can identify pretty easily when there’s a new one because I figured out how it works in my case, but you get the point).

thought I’d gotten over said trauma but here I am, suddenly getting slammed with it this year and it keeping me from getting stuff done, often.

mostly bc I start sharing with a self-state to cope, but sometimes it’s just whoever’s around the most and that has led to someone that can’t actually do the task showing up. it causes problems, often, and while I’ve just accepted it at this point because it’s not something I can really fight it Sure Is A Problem in my life

(it happened with Vacant recently; had a moment during math and it was the one that was most around so I gave it the wheel. he doesn’t fucking know how to do school stuff, that’s Velocity’s job, so he just explained to the teacher in both that class and the next class that I needed a slight extension on the homework. not related at all, I just wanted to mention it lmao)

while typing this I finally figured out a good analogy. we have something I tend to call ‘sharing’. anyways think of a car, and in the car you’ve got the driver and someone in the passenger side with a map. sharing is basically just switching places in the car- me going to the passenger side, and one of the self-states taking the wheel. none of ‘em are really that good at talking verbally for longer than a minute and much prefer talking via text or something, but they can still do stuff in my place when something needs to get done and I’m not capable of handling it at the moment

also there’s no amnesia when sharing. I’m always here :P

I keep getting osdd-1a and osdd-1b scrambled, but if you know which one then. yeah stuff’s been kinda leaning in there

feels wrong to call my self-states alters, if it turns out that’s really what they are? if that winds up being right I think I’d just keep to calling ‘em self-states tbh,,

uhhhh anyways! that’s about it I think. if you read all of this then thanks for reading my rambles, I’m kinda just in a weird spot rn mentally

[currently-shushing-birds]

Selfishness VS Selflessness thoughts as I watch without context as to where I am in the video

(Anything put in parentheses was added the next day :) )

the opening is so cute

voices??

They're happy to see him

..ew

Hence the marriage

HE FAILED

THE INTRO (the intro had me litterally screaming)

"ApRiL 13tH" mocking us

PATTON

I love Patton so much

Yeah Thomas watch your language

F

ROMAN

SONG

HOLY SHIT SONG

Loving game Roman's hair

I'm shaking :))

"But you're gay.."

Language Roman

Roman is smart okay

He's not having second thoughts

"Hind sight is 20/20" stop

Thomas knows his friends okay

I genuinely feel really bad for Thomas

FERAL CATS!?

The laugh-

PATTON

Where's Virgil and Logan I miss them

Ugh Catholics (edit: I should add that I was realised Catholic like Thomas)

Patton is such a sweet angellll

I just saw how long this is damn

"N o"

Karma IS a bitch though

"Why does their complexion matter?" Icon

I want a new side

"Roman that-"

Thomas you are a good person-

Leave Patton alone

ROMAN BE NICE

"You're welcome :)" he's so proud

"A BAGEL!?"

GamessssstORE

F r o g

Frogger is an icon

Stop with the PUNS

I love Patton have I said that yet

"16 GRAPHICS :D"

Damn Roman

Ugh the "encounter" was not a new side

I adore Leslie Odom Jr so fucking much I've met him :)

Feed him >:(

"Liquid lipstick of Shakespeare"

6am sharp

Fight him

"Please don't tell me you're going to wrestle Tony award winning actor Leslie Odom JR"

Patton's smile increases my life span

LOGAN

"Whatcha Doooooin logan"

I missed Logan :(

Damnit nevermind

Roman...n o

"You shouldn't press other people's buttons" okay that one was okay

"Holy hera" Percy Jackson

"One more time Roman-"

Excuse me Logan spoke

Did y'all notice Patton is a terrible lawyer

Roman knows he's a jackass at times

NO

"I dont think it matters w h y you do something" knew it

Typical tuesday

....does that imply leslie has ass??

That's not correct...ACCORDING TO THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF-

"I was just blanking in the word Guy but sure"

ROMAN IS A GOOD PERSON STFU

How am I supposed to read Logan's lowdown while true talk fuck (edit: I ended up pausing)

I'm with Patton

Thank you Patton

Roman's hair looks nice

Thomas also looks dapper look at him

That train sound scared me

WE DONT LIKE TO USE THE T WORD IN THIS HOUSE

He apologised for it I cant

"rIGHT!?"

Jesus Logan's acting weird

THE BLINDS PATTON

DID YOU BREAK MY BLINDS

...is he okay I love him

He keeps gesturing to his nose poor guy

He's in love with Logan

Was that accent okay-

Thomas is so relatable

The signature Thomas look

I'm not to commenting on the serious things because I'm paying close attention sorry

I dont believe Roman is a bad person he just doesnt have the right motives

Give Roman a hug

I agree with Thomas

ROMAN APPRECIATION

...Patton what

Buff Thomas?

Logan!

Where's Virgil :((

ME TOO THOMAS ME TOO

"I completely agree with ya...but I really dont see how that applies to what we're talking about" he's always nice

All these metaphors are throwing me off tbh

That short sigh

"Correct me if I'm wrong"

"I- uh- YOURE WRONG"

...oo you're really (edit: I seriously have no clue what I meant to put here but okay-)

PATTON

Oh my god

Give patton help

This is freaking me out

I'm only 31 minutes in

It's almost unsympathetic Patton and it...scares me?

"It's up to you" is said so creepily and makes me super uncomfortable

THANK YOU LOGAN

....deciet's theme

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG

I hate Deciet

I hate him

Kinda...he's ok

Wtf

Nice put Padton

So okay serious right now. Deciet was misleading Patton's conscience to things that would throw him off thus throwing his moral compass into orbit. Patton isn't thinking straight, it cant be a fair fight can it?

Word weapon because words hurt

It's hard to focus when their characters are so cute

Patton is thinking straight since more

Thomas...

Battle of the sides

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit

I hate that I love Deciets outfit but it's dope

Patton..

Roman is me

There's still 20 minutes left wtf

What are these analogies

Evan hansen vibes

ACTUAL LOGAN

Hey we care Logan

Logan dont be an ass

Wait so when did Deciet take over the Lowdowns

I'm going to assume it was when the text was on scene without speech

THAT FUCKING F A C E IM ROLLING

I dint know whether I hate deciet of appreciate him he's hard to like but very helpful

Roman's gay he cant do math

Deciet is a bitch

Okay but is Thomas okay?

Deciet has a point

Living for the video game music

I just noticed Deciet's (edit: got caught off guard by Deciet's name and I forgot what I was typing)

WHAT NAME?

J-...Janus

ROMAN N O

Ohhh that's..that's rough

Remus and Roman are completely different but Deciet has a damn good point

Oh gee Roman

Patton is so gentle towards Roman I'd kill for him

Roman...

No

Patton and Roman needs hug

LESLIE HE'S SORRY

Wait that's a c t u a l l y Leslie Odom JR

"This is Sanders Sides not Odom sides. I'm not threatened at all"

Everyone clapping is iconic

The background music is honestly amazing

Deciet I know you're That Bitch but stop

Patton is just so kind and he tries so hard

Look he's going to check on him

Thank you Janus

Is Deciet truly the mom side

Damn

Okay I like deciet but just...he can really make me freak out

SNAKE BOY

SNAKE ICON

He's right

Thomas said self love in a new way and I'm dead

That wink was super sweet

Oof

Thomas

DOOR YELLING IM SCREAMING

....he- okay thomas

Brunch Tuesdays

Patton made that pun

Patton and Deciet are hangin out

I'd watch Odom Sides

Okay that's all :)

[latestageyouth]

Tutoring Session

oof okay so here you have a human au with dyscalculic Logan and dysgraphic Virgil because I can (note that I do not know any dysgraphic people and that Logan’s dyscalculia is based on my experience with it)

Pairings: one-sided analogical, background anxceit

Word count: 1,580

Warnings: deceit but he’s not in there for the most part, one-sided love I guess

Summary: Logan gets a tutor and catches feelings, then The Sad ensures

Logan sighed, "Are you sure I need tutoring?" he rubbed his hand uncomfortably, shifting in the driver's seat of his brother's car.

"Logan, you're failing your classes, yes, you need tutoring," Damon put his hand on the shorter one's shoulder, "Now get out, you're already late."

Logan stepped out of the car, getting out his phone as it buzzed. He heard the car pull out of the driveway and drive off as he checked his messages:

im here

nd ur late

He didn't bother typing out a response. Logan put the phone back into his pocket and opened the door to the library. Ruth, the librarian, glanced up at him and smiled, "Good day, Logan, nice to see you again so soon. Out of murder mysteries already?"

"No, I am supposed to have a tutoring session here, but thank you," Logan returned the smile and walked closer to the counter.

"Now, why would such a smart boy need tutoring?"

Logan felt a surge of panic flood him, quickly making up an excuse, good thing he learned from Damon, "No, I am supposed to tutor them."

Ruth quietly chuckled, "I see then, I think you're looking for the boy in the back. He's been sitting here for a few minutes now."

"Ah, yes, thank you, Ruth, I should get going," Logan walked through the towering shelves, looking at some people sitting against them, books discarded around them. Some of them were taking notes, some were reading, some were on their phone.

He reached the tables, most of them empty or with a large group of people. There were only a few with one or two people. Logan glanced around and tried to figure out who the tutor could be.

"You're late."

The deep voice behind him made Logan jerk and look around. Huh, the guy looked quite familiar, perhaps he saw him in the school or when he walked into Damon's room while he was having friends over. Nevertheless, that didn't make him any less intimidating, "I, uh, I apologize, it won't happen again."

The punk scoffed, "Yeah, I hope so. Look, just because Damon asked me to tutor you doesn't mean I will," he walked past Logan and over to an empty table with a few books on it. Logan followed, sitting opposite to the taller male.

Logan glanced at the covers of a few of the books, furrowing his eyebrows, "Most of these are from the 9th and 8th-grade curriculum."

"Well yeah, you gotta build up the basics," the pale man shrugged, pulling out a notebook out of his bag along with a pen titled 'notes' in messy handwriting.

Logan scoffed and rolled his eyes, "This is ridiculous," embarrassment and annoyance already building up in his chest. The punk didn't seem to be phased, other than raising his eyebrows, opening the notebook and sliding it across the table to Logan.

"Can you solve any of this?" Logan looked at a bunch of equations, none of them made sense to him. He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to find the easiest to solve, but the numbers seemed to be just a bunch of random symbols that he could vaguely recognize. He knew them. He understood them, the teacher explained it to him multiple times. He should know this. The other one sighed, "That's what I thought," he slid the notebook back and Logan watched his only chance to escape this hell slide away into the taller man's hands.

"Fine, you win, I am bad at math," Logan refused to look at the other, instead looking down at the empty spot where the notebook once was.

"You're not bad at math, you have dyscalculia."

That's even worse, Logan thought. Why couldn't he just get a normal tutor? Oh, right, he already tried that, but then his parents either couldn't afford it so he had to get a cheaper one, or the tutor 'just wasn't used to tutoring someone with a learning disability'. He hated when people called it that. Technically, he knows there's so shame in having one, but he just can't help but feel that other's view him at 'stupid' or 'lazy' because of it. He tries, he really does. He excels in history, has a B+ in economics, the English teacher uses his papers as an example of perfect grammar, but he just has to have an F in algebra and geometry. He just had to have a D in chemistry.

Fingers with black nail polish snap in front of his face, "Hey, specs, you listening?"

"Uh, yes, of course. I apologize," Logan adjusted his glasses, "What were you saying?"

"I asked you what you wanna start with," the punk put a hand under his chin and squinted his eyes, "I would pick the one you struggle the least with."

"I suppose, geometry it is then."

The other's eyes widened a bit at that, "You, uh, you sure specs?" the hand that wasn't supporting his head began fiddling with the pen. Logan nodded. The taller one opened the notebook and filtered through a few of the pages until finally settling on an empty one. He clicked the pen, then paused for a second before bringing it to the page and writing what Logan thought was a math problem. After he repeated the process a few times, he flipped the notebook to face Logan, "Alright, the first three should be fine for an 8th grader. So, the first one is a graph-"

"Yes, I can see that but your handwriting is just horrendous, I can't read anything," Logan glanced over the page, the problems being randomly scattered across the page, completely ignoring the lines, being shaky in some places and words misspelled. One would think a 3rd grader wrote this.

The pale one looked away, somehow growing even paler if Logan could see correctly, "Well, yeah I guess, I have dysgraphia. I can dictate it to you if you wanna..."

It was Logan's turn to be shocked, "Oh, I apologize. I didn't know, uhh..." Logan wondered at the other's name, realizing that neither he or his brother told him.

"Virgil, it's Virgil."

"What a charming name..." Logan mumbled in a barely audible voice before he could stop himself. He hopes Virgil didn't hear it. If he did, he does not mention it, "Y-yes, as I was saying, I am sorry. Virgil."

Virgil looked at the notebook, "Yeah, it's whatever, I'm used to it. I could, like, dictate it to you and you could write it? That'll kill to flies with one rock," he reached his hand with the pen in it over to Logan, waiting for him to take it.

Logan's lips twitched up involuntarily for a moment, before taking the pen in his hand, "Yes, I suppose that would be satisfactory," he bought over Virgil's notebook, turning to a clear page, "So, could you repeat the problems?"

Virgil smiled, what a sight to see, "Right so, the first one is a graph..." Virgil leaned on the table as Logan wrote. Seeing such clear handwriting was kinda cool. They sent the rest of the session doing geometry, only touching on algebra by the end.

Logan averted his head from the worksheet Virgil had brought when he heard his phone buzz, "Sorry, just a second," he unlocked the phone, reading a text from Damon.

times up, L, i am here to save u.

"It's from Damon, looks like the session is over," Logan said to Virgil as he typed out a response before turning his phone off:

Just a minute.

"Damn, it really is late. Well, guess I'll see you later specs, remind your mom to pay me," he looked up to find Virgil doing the two-finger salute and walking away.

"Logan."

Virgil stopped and turned around, "What?" he raised an eyebrow.

"My name. It's Logan."

Virgil smirked, "Yeah, specs, I already know," he already turned on his heel and walked away behind the bookshelves before Logan could say another thing. Speaking of Logan, he had begun walking to the exit, saying a quick goodbye to Ruth and pushing the door open. In the parking lot of the library was already standing the yellow sedan that belonged to his brother. He walked over and opened the door.

"So, how was it? Not that bad, huh?"

Logan rolled his eyes and shut the door, "I suppose so..." his phone buzzed again. Logan looked at the new message.

i thnk u clud read my 13 wnter by samnta abeeel its rlly good

i thnk yull like it

lso th number snse is cool

Logan smiled and replied back:

Sure will do, thank you for the recommendation.

He didn't need to wait even a minute for the response:

no prblm

"Who's that?" Damon glanced over at Logan's phone.

"Oh," Logan saved his number as 'Virge' "Just my tutor."

Damon laughed and pulled out of the driveway, "Just don't steal him away from me."

Logan gripped his phone tighter, "He's your boyfriend?" some part he represses pray that he's not. Damon nods. Logan feels his heart sink.

"Yeah, the only one who lasted more than a year. Can you believe that? He actually likes me for me," Logan spotted the subconscious smile on his older brother's face. Of course, he had to like a taken guy. Just Logan's luck.

"Good for you. Also, he told me to remind mom to pay him," Logan renames the contact to 'Tutor' then puts the phone away, ignoring the buzzing of a new message. 

[purplesurveys]

801

1. Candyland: What is your favorite type of candy? Gummies. I’m not really into chocolate or caramel candies. 2. Chutes & Ladders: Do you have a fear of going up on ladders? Does your house have a laundry chute somewhere? I’ve never had to climb up a ladder but I do think I could just as well have a fear of it since as a kindergartener I was always afraid of going up the jungle gyms. I don’t know what a laundry chute is. 3. Operation: How many surgeries have you had in your lifetime? Zero, thank goodness. The idea of having to be put under and then being sliced open makes me feel faint lmao. 4. Sorry!: Do you sometimes apologize, even when it’s not your fault? Yes, abusive people can make you pick it up as a habit. 5. Game of Life: What is your greatest accomplishment thus far? What do you hope to do with the rest of your life? I count getting into my university as my biggest accomplishment so far, but I know I can still do so much more. I don’t really have a specific career goal, but I do want to ultimately be the best at whatever job I end up in and to be the happy with whoever I end up becoming.

6. Cootie: Did you really used to think that boys/girls had cooties? No...I never heard of those until I was ten watching American cartoons. 7. Trouble: What is something big that you got into a lot of trouble for? My algebra grades in high school. I almost flunked freshman algeb and nearly had to go to summer school. Math was never my strong suit in those days, heh. 8. Puzzles: When was the last time you felt puzzled/confused? How often do you feel like you don’t fit in? The other day while making Gab’s surprise birthday video. I had never made a video before, so the program itself was very foreign to me and at first I doubted I could ever come up with anything. Luckily my sister, who is in film school, was such a big help in helping me get acquainted with the different features and buttons haha. As for feeling like I don’t fit in, I haven’t really felt that a lot in the last couple of years. Other than my experience with AIESEC, I’ve been a lot better in dealing with different groups of people and adjusting to their interests and personalities.  9. Hungry Hungry Hippos: What’s your favorite meal to eat? A nice juicy burger usually works for me. 10. Uno: Can you count to ten in another language? If so, which language? Filipino, Spanish, and Korean. 11. Go Fish!: Have you ever been fishing before? No. I've always lived in the city so I’ve never been exposed to fishing. It’s very common for those living in the province, though. 12. Old Maid: Did you ever have a maid in your house, growing up? We had house help for a short time when we first moved into our house. But because my mom is super organized and very particular about it, we went through like 15 house help in total before she realized she’d rather do everything herself. There were three who stayed longer than a few months because my mom found them very good, but they all wanted to go back to the province eventually so we had to give them up. Most stayed for like a day or two, a week at most. 13. Simon Says: Did you always do everything you were told as a child? I think so, yeah. 14. Red Light, Green Light: When you approach a yellow light, are you more likely to slow down or speed up? Depends if I’m in a hurry or not. 15. Are you any good at jump rope, hopscotch, or hula hooping? Have you ever used a pogo stick before? I can do the first three. I’ve never used a pogo stick and have only seen it in cartoons. Looks fun but I also know I’d break my bones using them lol. 16. Do you prefer chalk or bubbles? Two very different things, but I remember loving bubbles as a kid. My only encounter with chalk was when we’d draw a hopscotch court on the ground, so yeah not a lot of interaction with it. 17. Did you used to go on a lot of bike rides as a child? Not really. My lola always told us we couldn’t go too far away from home, so I followed her. 18. Capture the Flag: What is your country’s flag? What about your state’s flag, if you have one? The Philippine flag has a white triangle at the left side with three stars symbolizing our three main islands, and a sun with its eight rays symbolizing the eight provinces that had big contributions in the 1896 revolution against Spain. On the right, the flag is divided into blue on top symbolizing peace, and red symbolizing patriotism. The two colors can be switched depending if the country’s at war. 19. Tic Tac Toe: When you played, were you the “hugs” or the “kisses”? I dunno, I picked whatever symbol I felt like picking if someone would ask me to play. 20. Have you ever won a game of Marco Polo in the pool without cheating? I’ve never played Marco Polo because I don’t know how the game works. Not very common here. 21. Scrabble: Are you any good at spelling? Yes. I was That student who aced all the spelling quizzes in English class lol. 22. While playing rock, paper, scissors, which do you usually throw down first? I always mix it up. 23. Were you always stuck being the pickle in the middle? I don’t know what this means. 24. Limbo: How low can you go? We never really played this. 25. When playing, did you usually pick “Truth” or “Dare”? Truth, because I have no problem telling it and people usually pick pretty shitty dares for you to do. 26. Have you been involved in any innocent games of Spin the Bottle or 7 Minutes in Heaven? No. Not common games here. I didn’t even know about 7 Minutes in Heaven until I watched 13 Going on 30 when I was like, 14 lolol. 27. Twister: Are you a flexible person (figuratively or literally)? I’m not very physically flexible. I can adjust for a lot of situations, though. 28. Did you used to pretend that the floor was lava? Kinda? In my old school there was a line pattern on the school grounds, and when I would walk I’d try not to hit any of the lines. 29. Guess Who: Are you any good at guessing games? Sure. 30. Clue: Do you think that you would be able to successfully solve a murder case? No, I don’t really like brainteasers like those. 31. Mouse Trap: Have you ever felt trapped before, in some way? Of course, in various ways. I’ve felt trapped at home, in my course, in my own head, etc. 32. Labyrinth: Have you ever gotten lost in a maze? No, that sounds terrifying and just reminds me of The Shining, eugh. 33. Jenga: Are you careful about what choices you make in life? I try to not be reckless, at least. 34. Bop it or Skip-it? Neither. 35. Tag: Are you in shape? Do you enjoy running? I wouldn’t say I am, but my body is also not in an unhealthy shape. I hate running. 36. Kickball: Did you kick the ball over the fence a lot as a kid? No. Houses here don’t really have fences. 37. Are you any good at mini-golf? No, never played. 38. Telephone: What do you do with a rumor once it’s been told to you? I didn’t really get a lot of rumors about me. The one time I did, it was so stupid I told our head teacher about it to put it to rest immediately. 39. Hide and Seek: Have you ever hid so well that it felt like it took somebody forever to find you? What was your best hiding spot? No. I don’t like making people nervous for too long. I didn’t have a hiding spot. 40. What Time Is It, Mr. Fox?: When were you old enough to tell time on an analog clock as opposed to a digital one? Hahahaha I don’t actually remember. I wanna say 8 years old? 41. Mother May I: Did you always ask your parents for permission? Yes. Always better for them to know what I’m up to than sneaking out and being caught. 42. Follow the Leader: Can you be bossy at times? I can be bossy all the time. 43. Monopoly: Are you good with your money/finances? If I absolutely have to save, like if Christmas is coming up, I’ll surprise myself at how good I can be. Most of the time though I like treating myself :/ Lmao. 44. Chess: Have you ever wanted to be king/queen? Only when I was younger. I’d wear a blanket around and pretend it was a cape. 45. Play-doh or Slime? Ooh that’s a toughie, those are my favorite kinds of toys. I did grow up with Play-Doh though and even had a Play-Doh Factory, so I’d go with that. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse] 

[upslapmeal]

So on Monday I went to Rachel Bloom’s concert in London which was honestly so much fun, and I said I’d make a post about it so here are the Hot Deets™

Rachel talked between songs, a significant proportion of which was done in an accent that would make Dick Van Dyke proud, and I’m not going to be able to remember everything so I’ve made a list of the songs (minus whichever ones I’ve inevitably forgotten) in (roughly) the order they were performed and I’ll just mention any notable things I remember. Oh and it was 6 years ago to the day that Rachel and Aline first met!

Period Sex

a strong opener, of course

she changed macys.com to primark and everyone lost their minds

‘primark sounds like a brand of pregnancy test’

Oh My God I Think I Like You

‘that was barely a song, we wrote that in about 20 minutes so here’s an actual song’

We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now

this was based, naturally, on Rachel and Adam Schlesinger’s electric chemistry

I’m A Good Person

she preceded this with a hilarious story about how when she and her husband were in London for the first time, she got him to watch Mary Poppins which he hadn’t seen before, and all he took away was that Mary Poppins spent the film gaslighting two children

‘the way they talk about it being real after all in Mary Poppins Returns is EXACTLY how people talk about repressed memories of that time uncle Bobby had a little too much to drink’

this had the seamless link to the song of her saying that she may have ruined our childhoods but she had something to tell us, except she misread the planned song order so the band started playing........not I’m A Good Person

♫ say it, tell me I’m a good person wait no not yet I have a whole bit I wanted to do ok say it or I won’t stop making fun of your accent: ‘I’m from the north’ ‘I’m from the south’ ‘and I’m from the fucking SEEEAAAAAAA!’ ♫

Feeling Kinda Naughty

Sexy French Depression

‘this is a song about Europe, which you may not be part of any more?’

I was going to stick a video of the story she told beforehand here but I can’t work out how to without uploading it to youtube

but basically it was the story of her husband trying to get takeaway soup from a restaurant in Paris that refused to give him takeaway

..........it was funnier than that sounds

Friendtopia

they bought on two audience members to sing the Heather/Valencia parts and Kat Burns taught them the dance!

Kat was a sweetheart and checked we all understood what y’all meant

we got her ‘have a good show!’ before they started the song

We Tapped That Ass

Adam and Ethan Eubanks (the drummer) sang this while Rachel and Kat danced

Rachel, sitting on stage putting on her tap shoes while everyone else waits: ‘you know I really should have worked this into the act’

then at the end she got Kat to help her with a bit she messed up during the song until she got it right 

What’ll It Be

unlike putting her shoes on, taking her shoes off was worked into the act in the form of Adam singing this

it was the first of several times the audience all shone/waved our phone torches

It Was A Shit Show

full video of this here

‘if anyone wants to sing this to someone tonight then go for it, you know they’re not the one’

The Math Of Love Triangles

Pete Gardner and Scott Michael Foster appeared to sing the professors’ parts and the audience lost it, all the people I could hear near me clearly had no idea they would be there and it was the first song to get a standing ovation

Jazz Fever

if there was just one of Rachel’s pre-CXG songs I wanted her to perform then it would have been this so I was delighted

I Love My Daughter

Let’s Have Intercourse

sung by Scott ‘I may have drunk too much last night so can you all sing the high notes for me bc there is physically no way I can hit them rn’ Foster

at the end he put a condom on one of Rachel’s fingers and she gave it to someone in the audience

except apparently it was drenched in lube which was then all over Rachel’s hands, making getting the mike off the stand for the next song trickier than it should have been

‘it turns out that lube makes a great cuticle cream’

A Diagnosis

Gettin’ Bi

the bi flag flown high was, in fact, a union jack

Scott was (not played, was) the saxophone solo

I Go To The Zoo

either they got the volume wrong at the start or they wanted it to feel like we were in an actual club but it was so loud at the beginning you couldn’t even hear Scott sing

Rachel and Kat were the animals, Pete was Ron and not-Susan

Fuckton Of Cats

Sports Analogies

Pete sang (mostly - there were definitely a couple of lines that should have had words but came out badadabumdapdaadaa) the Josh lines

naturally they added a final line about how football isn’t soccer

The Darkness

another time the audience all shone/waved our phone torches, apparently the first time that had happened for a performance of this song

‘singing about the darkness to an audience that’s literally giving me light is pretty fucking moving’

Ray Bradbury/Stacy’s Mom Mashup

I knew they’d performed Stacy’s Mom at some of the other concerts they’ve done but it wasn’t until this concert that I made the connection with Adam Schlesinger

this was the ‘‘‘‘last song’’’

‘I need to tell them there will be an encore, Adam! IF I DIDN’T THEY MIGHT LEAVE’

You Stupid Bitch

all the little side comments in this song work so well with it being an actual song performed live to an audience

we did know this one! we did sing with her!!

honestly what better way to close the show

Towards the end Rachel, Kat, Pete and Scott posed for photos based on themes suggested by the audience - zoo, horny angry tango, and group hug:

And that’s about it! Afterwards everyone except Rachel (at least while I was there) popped out to spend a bit of time at the stage door but the group I was with was too far back in the queue to say hi. I did, however, get my Broom Darryl pin passed up the queue to Pete when he came out so he got that and put it on his hat. But the whole thing was just such a Good Time, 10/10 would recommend if Rachel Bloom performs anywhere near you. Or even not that near, I can confirm that it’s worth the flight.

[jadagul]

You mentioned in a previous post that fractions and algebra can be very difficult for kids, as they involve big conceptual changes to what math "is", relative to what they were studying before. (Numbers are no longer an answer to "how many", problems are no longer a request to execute a calculation.) Presumably there are analogous problems that come up further down the line. What conceptual transitions that you see tripping up undergrads (or even grad students)?

I think I’ve mentioned a couple of these elsewhere.

One of them is related to the algebra one.  In high school algebra, a problem isn’t just a request for a calculation, but it usually is (or can be treated as) a request to execute an algorithm.  We often treat solving equations as something you can do by executing a series of steps in order.  And for the problems in high school algebra you can do that.

But eventually, you can’t.  There are various places it starts poking at you, but you run headlong into that when you start doing integrals.  There’s not a straightforward algorithm for computing nontrivial integrals.  Instead, you have a collection of tricks, and you have to try different tricks until one of them works well.

(The same thing happens with series convergence.  There’s a list of tests you learn, but there isn’t a set of rules like “do this and then do this and then do this and then you have the answer.  I suspect that’s why people find the series convergence problems so hard).

When I taught calc II, I regularly had conversations with students where they’d spend five or ten minutes staring at an integral, and then ask me for help, because they weren’t sure how to start it.  And I’d point out that in the amount of time they spent trying to figure out how to start, they could just have tried out all five of the tools we actually had, and one of them would have worked.

(Please feel free to generalize this lesson to your entire life).

At a somewhat higher level, induction is a famous stumbling block for budding math majors.  But I want to push the problem back a bit; from what I can tell, the real obstacle there is to a sort of meta-level thinking.

Induction is weird and difficult because it requires you to reason about sentences, rather than just with sentences.  The sentence “If x implies y then x+1 implies y+1″ is actually pretty syntactically rich and dense, and requires you to switch back and forth between evaluating the truth of the object-level sentence “x implies y” and the meta-level sentence which reasons about that sentence.

As a concrete example, I was doing an induction review on Sunday, and I was proving by induction that $1 + \dots + n = n(n+1)/2$.  And at some point, one of my students raised his hand and said he was a bit confused, because isn’t “$n(n+1)/2$″ the thing we are trying to prove?

And I had to explain to him that you can’t possibly prove “$n(n+1)/2$″ because that’s not even a sentence, and it can’t have a truth value.  We’re trying to prove that $1 + \dots + n$ is equal to $n(n+1)/2$.  But this was clearly really hard for him and a few of the other students into the room.  I’m not sure I ever quite convinced him.

I think the single most challenging problem I’ve ever assigned for homework is: “Let p be a prime.  We know that if $p|ab$ then either $p|a$ or $p|b$.  Use induction to prove that if $p | a_1 a_2 \dots a_n$, then $p| a_i$ for some i”.

To me, this seemed like a pretty straightforward exercise in induction.  But my students found it incredibly difficult, because they could not keep straight what the statement was, and thus what the inductive hypothesis was.  I got a lot of “for induction, assume that $ p | a_1 \dots a_n$.  We prove that $p | a_1 \dots a_{n+1}$”, or something like that.  

“Assume that if then; then prove if then” is just a very complex and difficult thought structure.

(I’ll note that once you get this thought, you can iterate it fairly comfortably.  People who can reason about sentences about sentences can usually reason about sentences about sentences about sentences about sentences, albeit sometimes with a fair bit of scratch work).

The last thing I’ll put on here, though I have less to say about it than I do about the previous topic, is writing clearly.  Math at a high school or early college level is mostly calculations, and so the answer is a number, although it’s good to show your work.  But what people are used to writing down is plain calculations that are treated as self-explanatory.

Having to suddenly explain what you’re doing in words is difficult.  And the mental discipline to say exactly what you mean, rather than stuff that’s kinda in the same ballpark as what you mean, is hard to develop.

[literarymadman]

The Madman returns for a moment

Greetings and Salutations, my lovely, lovely minions. I have something kinda important to say. I thought of starting this off with my usual random stream of random gibberish that I have done frequently in the past. Mostly when I send random complimentary messages to my minions. But I’m sitting here and I can’t do it. There is a reason and that reason is that my brain isn’t really ok at the moment.

Now, my brain hasn’t been exactly right in years. Hence, my moniker of The Madman. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. And I accepted it. I found ways to deal with it. I delved into horror flicks, I wrote, I played tabletop games. Then I came here and when I was having a particularly bad day. When my demons were nipping at my heels, I sent out a message. I found 1 or 2 or 5 of my minions and I sent them a message that was complimentary and meant to be funny. I aimed to fight my own darkness and hatred of myself by spreading weird light and joy. I wanted to make sure that no one was feeling as shitty as I was in that moment. 

And despite my absence from Tumblr, I kept that plan of attack. I feel bad so I do whatever I can to make others happy. But, recently I’ve found difficulty in doing that. For the last week, I’ve been dealing with something. Something that may explain my other mental problems or at the very least aspects of them. Repressed memories came to light and I’ve had to admit to myself something very unpleasant. It’s a fact I’ve been running and hiding from for the last 20 years. I reached out twice last night to people here on Tumblr. Both as an anon because I think I’m still trying to hide from this. First I reached out to my hero and friend @books-and-cookies and then to a stranger known as @rockoutrovina 

That second one was big because well, social anxiety is a bitch and strangers are a huge unknown thing. They are a variable I can solve and look at me using math as an analogy. I don’t do maths. I digress.

I’m just gonna put a nice big TW here. When I was a kid, I was being watched by my cousin. And I use that term with the greatest hesitation. I no longer claim her as family and the thought I am related by blood sickens me. Anyway, I was being watched by her and her friend. Her friend whose name I can’t remember but whose face I can still see. She was this round-faced, blonde haired, red cheeked girl. I was ecstatic because I worshiped them. My former family especially. I followed her and saw her as the coolest and most wondrous person in existence. And she wanted to spend time with me! Awesome!

However, that day they (TW) molested me. I’m not going to go into specifics and some are still being hidden. The only detail I will share is that afterward, she laid down and had me lay next to her. And at that moment, I liked it. I hate that I did. I feel sick that did. I still worshipped her after too. I tried to rationalize what happened but when I couldn’t, I told myself it was a bad dream. And I bought it. Then I forgot.

Now that I remember, things are making sense. I haven’t seen her in years. Haven’t given her a second thought and now she’s constantly there. I feel so ashamed that I couldn’t face it. I feel weak and stupid that I still followed after her. Logically, I know that I was the victim but...I’m not used to this. I am so used to being a victim of myself that I don’t know how to handle knowing that I’m someone else’s. I’ve talked to friends but at this point, I’m convinced I sound whiny and pathetic.

I’m pretty sure this whole post sounds stupid too. Don’t know if I’m going to post it or not. Doubt I have any of my Minions left. I disappeared and it looks like a bunch of them did too. I don’t even know why I wrote this. Hoping someone would see it and give me the comfort I can’t manage for myself. Maybe I just wanted to shout this into the void hoping the million questions I have get answered.

I don’t know.

I feel like I don’t know anything anymore

Last month, I was certain that I was lucky enough to never have been the victim of sexual abuse. I was positive of this fact for over a decade.

Now...

I don’t know shit.

[changterhune]

Interview with a Madman

Recently a friend (who has asked to be anonymous) asked me one of the most amazing questions anyone has ever asked about my music. The ensuing conversation fgascinated me so much I asked them if I could write about it and they agreed. I’ve redacted some sensitive and personal information but here it is almost in its entirety. We’ll call them CCD for obvious reasons.

CCD: Can you explain your music to me?  First off, I am tone deaf (this is literal as my ear bones are fused) so I'm trying to understand how the melody and harmony of your music works together.

CRT: Wow! Great question. So do you enjoy music in general or certain types or is it all just noise to you? Answer honestly as it will help me answer you better. And I won’t get offended. 😆

CCD: I do enjoy all types of music.  Actually, I really love music.  It's very emotional.  But the kind that you and {REDACTED} make seem chaotic to me.  I think I need a deeper understanding of what is going on so I can process it.  I may not be hearing it properly so my brain cannot interpret it as it was designed.

CRT: Ahhhhhh ok. No you’re hearing it just fine. Let me ask you this: what was your favorite music and who were your favorite bands when you were ages 13-16?

CCD: Well I’ve known {REDACTED} since college, so I have watched his music evolve. He introduced me to musician I hadn't heard before, Like Kate Bush and Lush. Ok. Um...  Well....  Do we have to back in time to the 80's? 

CRT: Yeah! Hahaha!

CCD: I grew up in New Orleans, so aside from the popular 80's music, I also liked Jazz, R&B, and zydeco.

CRT: Oh cool! I didn’t know that!

CCD: I didn't listen to Country/Western until I moved to Texas in 86'. I didn’t gravitate to that stuff until the last 5-7 years. Now I’m amazed by it. Always listened to classical.

CRT: Ok. Reason I ask is that musical tastes and inclination is formed around age 14 or so for most people. Definitely for me. I’ve been revisiting a lot of 80’s new wave and pop from when I was 14 and it’s still alive to me. But I’ve also gotten into newer stuff as it comes out.

CCD: Ah, so we should dive into the 80's deeper then?

CRT: Hah! I’d love to but that might be another interview in and of itself. Now, to finally answer your question. My wife views this type of music as very cerebral and masculine in a lot of ways. But she likes it. And the people who make stuff like this are 90% males. Now there are some women doing this but not a whole lot.

CCD: Wait, that is cool to know. I agree with your wife here.

CRT: Yeah she’s smart. Introduced me to Brian Eno, Leon Russell and Dr. John. See ultimately what I’m looking for in my music is a way to fuse my love of melody and harmony with the weird stuff.

CCD: Sweet!

CRT: I’d say a big factor in my music and your friend’s is the use of repetition, drone and cycling sounds to induce a semi-hypnotic state. Which is clear from that first song of his I played

CCD: He is very mathematical. Like genius.

CRT: Ok! Yeah! Now a lot of these cats who like this stuff are mathematically inclined unlike me. But they all come to programming and technical stuff easily. Which is why they can work in the musical programming langauges with ease. Whereas a lot of sequential logic has evaded me for a long time.

CCD: Yes, he is also a programmer.  Cool stuff.

CRT: So there you go.

CCD: Wait, to go back to sequential logic in music - 

CRT: Ok, Shoot.

CCD: What is it?

CRT: Well you need it for certain basic things like verse chorus structure, music theory and stuff like that.

CCD: This sounds very complex.

CRT: Well sequential logic is actually simple. You use it all the time without thinking. Cooking, dressing, etc. If things go out of order you have problems. But when you get into the more electronic stuff it gets very reliant on it.

CCD: I’m reading it for circuitry.  But now you are applying it to motor planning.

CRT: YES EXACTLY!!! Are you a PT? I learned it through doing yoga.

CCD: I have two sons with motor planning disorders.

CRT: Ah ok then. I learned about it through a pt working with my mom after her stroke. And yoga taught me motor planning I.e. sequential logic applied to human physiology. You dig? I really came to understand how to use and move my body outside of the regular things. It was no longer just a vehicle for walking to work or sex or whatever.

CCD: Yes, it's a lot like a stroke.   So I do kind of get what you are saying with the music. I may have to understand what the musician was thinking when making it then?

CRT: Wait have you done yoga? And if not you should. Might help your boys, too.

CCD: All inputs and outputs (historical) also help decide what is next in the song?

CRT: Whoa that’s a good question. Yes. Kinda. That’s my initial answer.

CCD: The boys do OT.  Yoga would totally be impossible because they can't stop moving for sensory input needs.

CRT: Ok. You said it was like motor planning. So what’s their overarching diagnosis? Autism? Or is that part of it?

CCD: My oldest son is global dyspraxia.   It affects his speech and movement.  But not his cognitive ability (but it does make it the cognitive process slower, but not inaccurate).  He is actually very good at math, but awful at reading. My youngest son is awaiting dx.  Not as bad at older son.  Has issue with crossing the midline and sensory integration.  Speech and cognitive processes intact. For us, it is genetic.  My brother and his children also have some form.  We also have Auditory Processing Disorder (notice I said we, because I have it too).  I have 3 out of 4 kids with it, plus 3 cousins.

CRT: Wow!

CCD: But, we all love music.  My youngest son loves ELO, REO Speedwagon.  My youngest daughter loves Electronica, like her dad. My oldest daughter liked this opera death rock in high school but has mellowed a bit now. I'll have to look more into the physiology of music.   My son's are listing to TLP.  Have you heard of it?  Music that helps the brain?

CRT: Wow! That’s fascinating! The human brain is a weird and wonderful landscape. So how does that APD manifest? I had an employee who couldn’t learn stuff verbally. Training her was a nightmare. Had to let her go when a mistake of hers cost me $1,600. Agony for her of course but for me as I felt such guilt firing her (Yeah my employee was also probably really high all the time). I’ve got ADD which was diagnosed midway through my post-graduate year. I’m a better auditory learner but also kinetic.

CCD: For APD, the person afflicted with it needs to get speech therapy or a home program where they can learn to isolate foreground sounds from background noises.   Some types of OTC hearing aids in work situations can help with this.

CRT: Ah ok. Interesting.

CCD: They also have to watch everything the speaker says. And write everything down.  And ask for all materials in advance so they can learn at home before being formally taught.

CRT. Ok that makes sense. CRT: Is the issue that certain sounds can’t be isolated?

CCD: Yeah if I don’t have my meds I’m easily distracted especially by sound. There is actually several kinds of APD. 31 flavors do to speak.

Sounds drop out from words.

The person can't hear spaces and everything runs together

Both ears won't work together

Both ears can't work separately.

My son has 3 out of 4.  My daughter and I only have 1. It's really fucked up. But like I said, Dx'ed early and you get the therapy so you learn to deal with it when you become an adult. When you were dx'ed with ADD what did they do for you? I'm learning a lot about ADD just with my kids in OT.   Like the fact, that ADD is Dx'ed when the real issue was APD or VPD. Or was SPD.

CRT: I was given Ritalin and a little instruction on how to learn and cope with it. Afterwards I went to a place called Learning Strategies where they actually re-taught me how to learn using my skills. Very helpful.

CCD: Ok so music?

CRT. Hah! How to make sense of what me and your friend make?Hmmm...

CCD: Wait, tell me how your music affects you.

CRT: Good question!

CCD: Like, what does it do for you emotionally?   Does it sedate you?  Get you ramped up?

CRT: It depends. I’m weird because I listen to my own music more than most musicians do. I use it to zone out to or as background noise sometimes. I think it’s best suited to soundtrack, TV or film scores. It’s hard because I think it works best when people don’t listen to it directly.

CCD: {REDACTED} also is bipolar, and uses music as therapy.

CRT: Interesting. Me, too.

CCD: So you mean put it on and vacuum or do the laundry a few times? Like not pay attention, just have it in the background?

CRT: Yes exactly! You must have a little laundry with 3-4 kids right? Hah! Though it does bear up to direct examination I think.

CCD: My whole house is laundry. It’s easier when the kids can do it on their own. Already training #2 for that. I just want them all driving a car by 5th grade.

CRT: Hah!

CCD: Well, thanks for explaining the music to me. {REDACTED} is neat, but he has a genius complex that can sometimes make it hard for him to  compassionately explain something to the uneducated. And if you ever get another employee with APD, let me know.  I'll help you work with them.

CRT: Lol cool. I don’t think I answered you at all though.

CCD: I do think I understood it better.  The motorplanning analogy was a big help.

CRT: Oh good!

 ~END~

[daehwifi]

Daniel Bad Boy Au Part 2

Admin xion 💕

- you ring his doorbell - no answer - ... - so you ring it again - no answer - ... - so you decided to ring it in the tone of shinee's ring ding dong until someone would answer - and lord have mercy - daniel opened the door with messy hair and his eyes are still closed - "wahtthefu-" - "oh yeah i invited you over," he said - and his voice was hella raspy due to the fact he just woke up from a nap - "come in, come in," he said lazily - and u blanklessly followed him to his room as within the blink of an eye he disapeared and you could hear tap water running - so you helped yourself down to the table in the middle of his room and sat down on the floor, taking your books out - and he came back out, with a more awake face as he sat right next to you, strecthing his body to grab his bag at the side of his bed - getting his books out you turned to the page where the math project assignment was on - and he was on that page as well - the page was filled with math questions and the project was to answer the following questions then teach the class how to do it in the most simplistic way as possible that at 3rd grader can understand it - "let's begin with answering the questions first, then we'll get to the actual project," you spoke softly breaking the silence - he nodded cutely - few questions into your mummbling of math - you noticed how he was stuck on the third question and was getting a bot fustrated - so you took his book and scooched a bit closer towards him - "okok, so to do this question, what you do is place x over y and then divide it by 6," you spoke as you wrote the following formula on the booklet - "how do you remember to put x over y on questions like these?" he asks as he scratches the back of his neck - "well, in questions that ask you shit like "samantha wanted blank but tyler wanted 69 the amount of blank," you'd then put x over y," you replied as a natural small smile creeped ur face - "and how do you know it's x over y and not y over x?" daniel questioned - "well cause y over x is like saying you're shoving a baby up a girls vagina and bam she's pregnant. x over y is like saying, bam shes pregnant and the baby came out of the vagina," you spoke bluntly as you were quite proud of the analogy you made - daniel laughed as he nodded his head and thanked you - mid way into questions, you noticed how daniel was getting bored and did nothing but just pout and play with his pencil - it was almost 8 and you wanted to get this project done as soon as possible - you sighed - "okay, what if for every question you answer, we play a round of truth or dare?" you suggested

- daniel instantly nodded like a kid as he quickly grabbed his pencil and began writting away - you were a bit at ease seeing a different side to daniel - and lowkey lowkey found his kiddy personality kinda cute - "bAM ANSWERED IT," he yelled out of joy. you took his booklet to see if his answers matched with yours. and it did. - "truth or dare?" he asks with a gummy smile acorss his face - "truth," you replied - "is it true you don't find me attractive? i mean- even i find myself attractive," he said in a child like tone as he pouted - "i mean- if you say it like that i'll feel bad for saying you're not," you murmured under your breath - "oOO SO THAT MEANS YOU DO FIND ME ATTRACTIVE!" daniel blurted as he began to smile widely - "hHHHH CALM DOWN," you snapped as a small smile appeared on your face - "truth or dare?" you asked back - "truth," he replied - "is it true you lost your virginity at the age of 14?" you blurted as the words you said slowly processed through your mind and instant regret came boiling - "nope, i lost it 2 years ago," he replied, leaving a small smirk across his face - "why you ask?" he said in a low tone as the kid act suddenly vanished, raising an eyebrow - "n-no reason," you replied as you found yourself stumbling on your words - "aNYWAYS BACK TO THE QUESTIONS," you blurted as you picked up your pencil and answered the last question - daniel was on his second last question as he was having trouble again - "uhh, can you help me with this?" he asks - you nodded as you grabbed his booklet and began explaining the question and how to answer it. he'd humm a yes every here and then when you'd ask if he was getting it. but midway you didn't hear anything from him. - "danie-" - you looked at him as you noticed he was just looking at you blanklessly almost as though he was star strucked - "heLlo?" you blurted ruining the moment - "oh yeah, can you explain that part again?" he asks as his attention went back to the booklet. you sighed as you explained it again and he seemed to understand it easily which suprised you. - forgetting about the truth or dare, daniel answered all the questions and they all matched with yours as you at relief, and was slightly doozing off. - you checked the time as it was near midnight - "i should head home, - let's work on the presentation part tomorrow?" - "yeah sure, lemme walk you home," daniel spoke - "nah itsokay," - "no it's not. it's near midnight and unless you wanna get raped then fine by me," he replied making a good statement - "plus, a princess should never walk home alone without a guard or her prince," - "who said you're my prince?" you bluntly asked - "you're gonna be saying that in just a few weeks, watch," he replied with a smirk on his face. this is the daniel you knew. the daniel you'd see in the hallways picking up on girls. - "we'll see about that," you confediantly replied as you gathered all your stuff and shoved it into your bag - daniel still walked you home - and throughout the way he kept on teasing you like making fun of your height - and would call you "shorty" non stop - before you knew it you were already at the front of your house - you were lowkey sad but were thankful nothing major happened - he dropped you off as you guys said your goodbyes

Part 1  Part 3 Part 4  Sequel