#i keep watching AMVs on youtube and i keep crying because it just makes me so happy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nobodies-png · 5 years ago

Note

Sora and Reader, who is a really good friend/sibling figure, start a gaming channel together. What types of games does Sora enjoy playing the most, both in terms of genre and gameplay? And, who of the Guardians are their most avid viewers, and which of them are the most likely to be guests on their show?

oh I love me some youtube aus, I got carried away and sneaked in some modern AU too lol

Sora :

Okay, for real though - Sora just likes videogames in general, so he’s up for trying and playing pretty much anything you suggest - from WiiFit to a hack and slash game to dumb simulators to Death Stranding and everything in between. He is, however, the biggest FF fan around and has a let’s play for every single game of the saga - Sora’s even managed to drag you into it ! A Square Enix and Nintendo fan, but mostly because he grew up with their games (like pretty much everyone at this point).

But also, Sora ADORES text adventures and visual novels, the “choose your own adventure” kind of apps like Fallen Hero:Rebirth or The Arcana - but they really don’t work well in a gaming channel cause it’s exclusively reading, so he simply talks about them in his twitter or insta stories at 4 am.

As his request, you two have begun to make extra videos talking about theories or your opinions and critiques for the games you two finish together. Sora might be known as a cheerful airhead who tries to be positive most of the time, but he’s RUTHLESS when it comes to rating games, specially those from popular companies. Like, the guy really loves games and he really wishes everyone would put passion and effort into them instead of shitting out game after game after game, at the expense of quality. Yes Pokemon, Sora is looking RIGHT at you.

Sora also likes promoting indie games and giving shoutouts to small companies ! Temtem, Boyfriend Dungeon, Pyre, Sayonara Wild Hearts . . . But he ALSO loves picking out the weirdest most obscure shit out there and make you play without explaining a thing. These videos are usually the ones with the most views, specially if we’re talking about scary games. There’s a THOUSAND clips and compilations out there of you two shitting your pants or crying/tearing up because of sad game endings.

You guys are the kind of channel who started for fun and as a hobby, but over the years got increasingly more and more popular - so now you two get invited to cool gaming events. The channel is also kinda old, so you’ve been through pretty much everything. Yes, people have tried stalking you two, made AMVs with Cascada songs about you two, there have been ship wars, conspiracy theories and all the weird shit Youtube can offer.

Kairi and Riku are popular and regular guests, viewers are always begging for you and Sora to let those two become permanent additions to the channel or even have their own little thing - but Kairi isn’t that interested in being known as a gaming youtuber and Riku is happy with showing up every once in a while and help you guys editing videos if needed.

Roxas is also known as the channel’s personal cryptid because the camera recorded him passing behind you two on his way to the kitchen, only to come back with 4 sea salt ice creams in his mouth and 4 more on EACH of his hands. Sora insists on explaining that was his brother, but you like to keep the myth alive by saying that Sora is an only child.

To add more fuel to the fire, people have stopped said cryptid on the street only to find out that they’re talking to Ventus instead of Roxas - so everyone is VERY confused and it’s the funniest shit. But not as funny as the time you guys got Vanitas to replace Sora for a few weeks when he got sick.

Xion and Axel watch your videos often - but neither of them are regular guests like Riku or Kairi. Xion prefers to stay anonymous and off the grid, but Axel LOVES to show up during your livestreams and hog the spotlight for a bit. Namine on the other hand does the art for your thumbnails, sometimes she might have your videos as background noise while she works.

Aqua is aware of what you guys do and even if she doesn’t watch your videos, she still supports you. Terra on the other hand has no fucking clue what’s going on and freaked out when he saw a clip of you and Sora crying at the end of Valiant Hearts around on some Top 10 WatchMojo video.

#kh headcanons #reader insert #modern au #sora #kairi #riku #roxas #xion #axel #namine #aqua #ventus #terra #Anonymous

35 notes · View notes

kristallioness · 4 years ago

Text

Hey, dear followers! I hope you're all doing okay. 😁 I just wanted to write down some thoughts after the amazing day that I had this Friday. Long story short, in October, I took 3 vacation days (all of them on Fridays), and the outcome seemed to become better and better with each passing week:

The first vacation Friday was an utter failure, cause the day before I'd apparently caught my dad's cold (managed to avoid this for 1 year and nearly 2 months since the last time I was sick in 2019), so my throat was really getting on my nerves. 🤧 It wasn't as sore as it usually is when I have a cold, but still it bothered me enough that I wasn't in the mood to do anything. The good thing was that I did get to have a vacation, cause I would've been even more grumpy if I had to work (and talk a lot during meetings).

The second vacation Friday, as most of you could probably make out from my last personal update, I spent on watching and crying over Avatar-themed AMVs on YouTube (totally worth it), as well as finally continuing my rewatch (fingers crossed I'll continue this cycle this weekend.. the rewatch, I mean). 🤞

But the third vacation Friday was absolutely SPECTACULAR!!! 🤩 I accomplished so many things within a day and got to travel and see so much after a while...

I needed to go to Tallinn to run some errands at my nest (i.e. rented home) and at work. So in the morning, I took the train (I saw so many animals and birds along the way: 4 roe deer, an eagle, some horses, tens and tens of sheep grazing in the woods, a squirrel climbing on a tree..) and used public transportation for the first time after this emergency situation started in March (it ended in May, but I avoided public transportation like fire up until now). I really missed riding in them (the train and trams), but once I did, it suddenly felt familiar and like a regular day, as if nothing bad had ever happened.. 😌

Except that I wore several masks to protect myself (and everyone else around me), so I wouldn't catch or unintentionally spread the virus (Estonia hasn't forced people to wear masks anywhere yet, only recommended it). 😷 I had 2 notable, and completely different reactions: the conductor lady on the train gave me a bit of a suspicious look when she came to check my ticket (like, why would a healthy young woman like me be wearing a mask?), but another lady on one of the trams grinned when she saw my adorable Paw Patrol-themed mask. (Btw, I hold no grudge against the conductor and laughed about it later. 😄)

Why was I being extra careful? Simple: it's because I had to visit the health centre at the campus where work is located (and later visit my office, too), to receive my flu vaccination for this year. 💉 The visit with the kind nurse went really well, I got to explore around the new location of and the rooms inside the health centre (they moved some time ago, but now I know what it looks like and what to expect, so I won't be too nervous when going to my health check next time in 2021, I believe). 🩺

Afterwards, I went to visit my colleagues at work and had such a wonderful time chatting with them face to face. 🥰 Like I told them: it truly felt as if I was coming home as soon as I walked in, and I loved that feeling very much and I look forward to the day when we can all feel safe enough to come to work again. Also, I had some neat and very practical little gifts to pick up.. 😏

Once I left work, I quickly went through a shopping spree in the nearby mall and bought a small toy I'd written down in my notes of things to keep an eye out for / buy asap: the 1/43 model of the WRC Toyota Yaris that Estonians Ott Tänak and Martin Järveoja drove with throughout 2019, when they first won the championship. 🏎️ Some time ago, I was searching the internet for a possibly bigger model, but I don't think there are any, so I decided it's a YOLO-type of situation and I knew I'd want at least one (1) model for myself before they completely ran out (there were like 3-4 left, in 2 different malls).

What made me feel even better was that the shopkeeper looked so happy when I walked in and asked to buy that specific item. 😊 Considering the price (60+ €) and the type of items they sell in that shop and the current pandemic situation, most people wouldn't walk into a store like that daily to buy such expensive stuff. I hope I helped boost their sales even by a little bit, and I sure made that nice lady's day.

Fast-forward to the evening when I was already back home, I couldn't contain myself, so I had to skim through "Katara and The Pirate's Silver". 🌊 But as I was following Katara's storyline, I ended up reading through the whole thing a bit later. And.. I.. LOVED IT!!! Will definitely write my review / notes down later, cause there were so many awesome things that stuck out.

All in all, I haven't had such an adventure-filled day in a long time, and as I said in the beginning, I had so many positive emotions throughout. The third vacation day was a complete success in so many ways. 🥲

#personal #shards of Kristal

2 notes · View notes

tarisilmarwen · 6 years ago

Photo

Tari’s Top Twenty OTPs - #3

OTP: Masahiro/Rina

Fandom: Mermaid Melody: Pitchi Pitchi Pitch

Masahiro: A sweet young man with a bit of a flirty side. Masahiro's father is a successful businessman who puts pressure on Masahiro to inherit the company, which he feels reluctant to do. Because of this Masahiro has a bit of a rebellious streak, taking up interests such as boxing and motorcycles. He is generally a caring, straightforward fellow, but he does have some slight abandonment issues and worries a lot about being able to control his own future.

Rina: The mermaid princess of the North Atlantic Ocean, Rina Toin was forced to flee her kingdom when it was attacked by the Panthalassa Clan, under the leadership of Gaito. During that escape her friend Noel, mermaid princess of the Arctic Ocean, sacrificed herself and was captured to save Rina. Rina holds a lot of guilt about her failure to protect Noel, and at first was angrily determined to confront Gaito and save Noel all on her own, distancing herself from the other mermaid princesses. In time, though, Rina learned to open up to friendship and love and became the older sister figure of the main trio. Rina is typically very quiet and stoic, internalizing a lot of her feelings and keeping herself bottled up. She is the voice of reason for the main trio and often the straight man to their zany antics. She loves her people and places a lot of importance on her duties as a princess. She is also very caring, and a bit of a geek for Japanese comedy and plasma TVs.

Together: Masahiro first sees Rina crying over a letter on the beach and later worries that she's trying to commit suicide when he sees her walking into the canal. From that point on, he is pretty much a constantly occurring presence popping up in her life, bantering with her, flirting with her, and making it very obvious that he genuinely likes her. Rina plays very standoffish at first, but eventually begins to melt around Masahiro and let her walls down for him, and they become very comfortable and cuddly around each other, cherishing their moments together while they can before their respective futures and responsibilities must separate them.

How I Got Into The Fandom: I was looking up mermaid videos on YouTube and I was confused and baffled at how a whole bunch of them were amvs and song excerpts to this anime. So I researched the show. And then wound up watching it. As you do.

When I Started Shipping Them: Rina became my favorite character very quickly so naturally I wanted to know about her romantic prospects. My early research into the show of course turned up Masahiro's existence. Which then led to me looking up fanvids for the two. And they were so adorable I was shipping them long before I ever even got to watch their episodes together.

Why I Love Them: Well for starters they are ridiculously pretty together, lol. But, more seriously, I just love it when cool, stoic, badass characters fall in love and soften up around their lover. Rina and Masahiro become very comfortable and soft with each other and it is super sweet. And then they also hit you right in the heart with angst whenever Rina clams up and freaks out because she's getting too close to him. They're just very precious.

Three Favorite Moments:

1. The flirty side-hug.

Masahiro stumbles upon Rina and her friends while they're out shopping. During the conversation, Rina notices a bandage on Masahiro's head, hidden by his bangs. She follows after him when he's heading off. Assuming his injury came from a fight, she blushes and stumbles through her awkward scolding of him, telling him that people (read, her) might get worried about him. Masahiro covers his laugh. Flushing, Rina runs down the stairs up to him to demand what's so funny. Masahiro casually puts an arm around her and draws her in close for a hug, flirtatiously promising to show her the truth if she comes with him. Rina blushes, her mind going quite blank, and it is adorable.

2. Sunset kiss.

I've talked about this one before, in my Top Ten Big Damn Kiss moments, but it bears repeating.

Having spent most of the episode trying to push him away in order to spare herself the pain of having to say goodbye to him, Rina finds herself saving his life when he's put in danger by the Villain Of The Week. She tearfully breaks down when he wakes up, crying about how scared she was for him and how glad she is that he's okay, realizing she could have lost him. Masahiro grabs her shoulder and pulls her into him for a hug, vowing to her to always be there for her and to never let her go.

Rina lets her tears and the walls around her heart fall down as she and Masahiro share a beautiful kiss in front of the sunset.

3. The boat date.

Earlier in the episode, we drop in on Masahiro and Rina having a very cute date on Masahiro's yacht. He has made her sandwiches. She is completely relaxed and comfortable around him. They sit next to each other and he holds her hand. And lo, it is cute. (Up until Masahiro's abandonment issues come forth and he asks Rina anxiously if she's just going to leave him one day and she gets awkwardly chilly because she kinda has to do just that but still.)

#mermaid melody #Mermaid Melody Pitchi Pitchi Pitch #rina toin #Masahiro #shipping #talking bout ships #meta rambling #tari's top twenty otps

20 notes · View notes

jade-island-lives · 6 years ago

Text

My Rainbow Soul: A Journey To Just Being Me (My Coming Out)

This has been in the back of my mind for such a long time. Seeing as it’s Pride Month, I thought that maybe I should talk about how I came out, my process with accepting who I was, and hopefully give people hope that things will get better.

Now, I won’t be using names or anything. But I will be talking about a lot of things. Lots of negative things such as abuse and anxiety. If you have a problem with this. Don’t read. I’ll be cutting it off here.

Ready? Okay.

Now, I grew up a small town that was pretty conservative. We lived where coyotes, rats, mice, skunks, and raccoons were a problem. A place where you could fish, hunt, and farm. Everyone knew everybody, and there was a real sense of community.

I actually grew up pretty normal. I loved the Disney Princesses, Barbie, and even had a dollhouse. I had an obsession with two things however, mermaids and wolves. I LOVED those things to death. The story of Balto and how he delivered antitoxin to Nome Alaska was incredible, and I collected stuffed dogs to pretend I had a race team. And I had a love for all things ocean. I had mermaid dolls, sea shells, I collected sand dollars. It was a nice time. I also read a lot, and I drew a lot.

Yeah, everything was normal. I played with my dolls and created worlds in my head. But looking back on it, I was a bit odd. I had a HUGE obsession over the Little Mermaid. Especially Ariel.

Every girl liked Eric. I liked Ariel. I dunno why, I just found her interesting. I wanted to be a mermaid like her and live with her under the sea.

In hindsight, that should have been the first clue

I didn’t even know the LGBT+ community existed until I was 12, (by that time I had dropped all things girly and gained a sense of tomboyishness because it just felt right and I loved all the boyish things other girls my age didn’t fuss over) and the way I found out was less than ideal.

No worries, my family was, is, and always will be supportive of the LGBT+ community. But I found out about the community through, and this is going to be the dumbest thing ever. The Westboro Baptist Church.

You see, at that time I was on YouTube a lot. And when I was bored of watching the same Warrior Cat AMVs over and over (which was really rare) I would watch documentaries about strange things. Like mystery diagnosis stuff and serial killer things. (I swear, I was only a writer who needed ideas, still am.) And one day in my recommended section was a documentary of The Worst Family in America. I thought “Oh how bad can they be?”

When I was done watching it, I was confused. Wait, two guys getting married? That’s a thing? And God doesn’t like that? Why? It’s not hurting anyone!”

Thankfully, my family shut that shit down, saying God made everyone for a reason and that he made no mistakes. I did more research on it, being my curious self, and found out that there was a whole community, that being gay wasn’t a choice, God made us as we were, all kinds of rainbows and love. Eventually, loving the LGBT+ community was everything, and I began to hate injustice towards those who couldn’t control who they were.

I started getting inclusive in my writing then. Writing gay and lesbian characters, writing about Bi characters and Pans too. And even Trans and Aces. I started learning that there was a rainbow of sexuality and identity, and as we grow, we find a place among it.

Unfortunately for me, being a teen was a nightmare in so many ways. I had my friends, most of which were boys. And around that time, all the girls and guys started dating. I didn’t like guys in that way, never really did. And at the time I didn’t think about it. I was learning about my writing skill, I couldn’t be bothered. I was trying to figure out what I was good at.

But eventually, it caught up with me.

People started asking if I was gay. And I always said no, but eventually. I found my first crush.

And it wasn’t a guy.

Every time I saw her, it was like butterflies. I could never think straight when she was around. I loved her.

And surprisingly, that scared me.

I never really knew why until now. While I was and still am supportive of the LGBT community. I was well aware of the violence that came with it. The beatings, the discrimination, all of it. People have died because the world didn’t want to change. At the time, marriage wasn’t legal, and my life could be on the line in certain countries.

In fear of the discrimination, I got in a relationship with a guy to keep suspicions off. I thought that maybe if I hid myself enough I would start to believe I wasn’t gay.

But the relationship was toxic. Emotionally manipulative and abusive. I don’t really want to go into it. For the longest time, I thought it was okay. If I could keep it up and make it work, eventually I would be happy.

It was stupid. So stupid. To anyone out there, men, women, whatever. If someone forces you to do something you aren’t comfortable with, if you are AFRAID to be around them to the point where you walk on hot coals around them. If you are afraid of telling them something because of what you think they will say or do. Get out of it. Now. They don’t have to hit you to be abusive, women can do it too, and you deserve to feel loved and safe.

I broke free of it with the help of my friends, including my best friend in the entire world, but to this day I still feel terrible about it. How I lied, how I never spoke up, how I broke his heart. It makes me overlook all the times I felt pressure, all the times I was afraid to tell him how I felt. How I was afraid to be alone with him.

I would be fearful of getting in any relationships. And because most of my friends were guys, of course rumors were spread. I always said that I wasn’t interested in anyone. And I wasn’t.

I don’t remember struggling with my sexuality too much in my junior or senior year. Mostly because I was struggling with my mental health and I just remember nothing but sadness. A black fog over me that I let consume every bit of me until I was nothing but a shell that just appeared and disappeared. But it was there I remember. Crushes and hiding them, reminding myself that the world would not accept me.

Until the morning Same Sex Marriage was legal in the US.

I still remember the rainbow flags all over Facebook. The videos of couples crying, Obama speaking. I remember just tears, curling up on my couch sobbing with tears of joy.

I remember thinking, “I can get married now. It's accepted. It’s okay.”

But there were still issues, there always will be. And I almost fell straight back into the closet.

Eventually I was tired of people asking me if I was straight or gay, and so I just said I was Bi. I...felt it was safer. I don’t know why.

For the record, I’m sorry I hid behind Bisexuality. It’s a misconception that Bi people are just gay people closeted or straight people experimenting. Bisexuality is a real sexuality and it needs to be respected as such no matter the relationship.

I used Bisexuality because I wanted people to think I could still date guys and I wouldn’t be discriminated against. But I wasn’t Bi, I was gay. And I knew it. Please don’t think my experience is the same for everyone. Bisexuality is a real sexuality, a real feeling that people have. And it’s valid whether you are dating a man or a woman.

At some point, something broke in me. I was tired of fighting it. I don’t remember the reason. Maybe it was my therapist telling me to be honest, the headache of living a lie, somehow I realized I that I was done not being me. And so...

I came out to my best friend by text. Tears in my eyes. I was met with overwhelming love and support. He told his family and I was met with so much love that way.

And then I told my family...who already KNEW. They had known since I was 12 and loved me no matter what. It was the sweetest thing, and I wish more than anything that I could go back and tell my past self that it would all be okay, to not care what other people think of me.

And if there is anything you can learn from this, it’s this.

You may be afraid to come out or you can’t. And that’s okay. You don’t have to come out for anyone other than yourself. There’s no set time on accepting who you are. For some, it takes their entire lives. You may think you’re one thing, but then you discover you’re something else, that’s okay too.

As I’ve always said, sexuality and identity are a rainbow, and a tricky one. But you will find your way. And no matter what, whether you are still in the closet or people don’t think your sexuality is real, you are valid, you are loved, and it does get better. And you CERTAINLY are welcome this Pride Month. <3

It got better for me, and now I wear my rainbow heart proudly for everyone to see. So I may never hide in that nasty closet again.

#jade rambles #sexuality #pride month #lesbian #coming out #tw: abuse #tw: anxious thoughts #love is love is love is love is love is love

3 notes · View notes

mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune · 3 years ago

Text

I Can NOT Believe This Youtuber....

okay I’m on the Xbox One, and I was playing a video game.

but then after saving, I decided to take a break.

and check out the Xbox One’s Youtube.

(which I am still wondering if the computer’s Youtube, has that setting where you can hide inappropriate stuff.)

anyway guess what I find...?

Helluva Boss Episode 4, BUT someone a certain Youtuber....

had uploaded it, not a clip, but the FULL episode.

that episode with the other episodes and pilot,

should only be on it’s Home Channel.

that is a property of Vivziepop.

the Youtuber who did such a thing, has about 226 subscribers.

the time they had uploaded March 23, 2021.

and by the looks of it, they did it to Episode 5 of Helluva Boss too.

on May 1, 2021.

even if I tell them what they are doing is wrong,

and there is somethings you can and can’t do with clips of Youtube Original Series made by it’s creators.

there is a possibility they wont listen.

and their actions, will cause someone to think the original episodes

came from them, if they didn’t check out the link below,

which is lucky in view and isn’t in the hidden where you will have to press “show more” button.

in the description part, in the copy of episode 4,

they tell those who are viewing

they wrote “Made By Viviziepop go sub to him or her“

and in the copy of episode 5,

they wrote "Made By Vivziepop go sub to him"

Youtube really REALLY needs to do better,

I’m not sure if [REDACTED] knows that there can be bad side effects to that.

I don’t have to worry about Camp Camp, Red Vs Blue, RWBY or Death Battle

too much, yeah they are still on Youtube, but at least they are safe on the official Rooster Teeth Site.

which is here --> https://roosterteeth.com/

and they should not call her “Him”

so unless that is her gender identity and she goes by the him/he pronouns,

they should either call her she/her or the neutral pronouns that is for everyone.

it’s not just what that person did, which I just found out today.

but EVERY Youtuber, who does the same thing that they are doing,

I don’t even think they even got permission,

which even if they asked, I don’t believe they would of been given the okay to do so.

there is some stuff you can do on Youtube, and some stuff you can’t.

I think if possible, maybe they can be reason with.

yes there is a chance they might say that nothing is wrong with what they are doing, but sorry to say that isn’t so.

like I said, some people will still do false reports and might not bother to read below.

if they end up seeing [REDACTED]’s copy of the episodes on their channel,

without even bothering to read the bottom of where the video came from.

and they end up seeing the episodes from their home channel,

they might do a false report.

and I am NOT letting that happen again to another person.

sure the Undertale amv is still up, but only the sub version

that the person who put the subs on there, but at least they got permission.

I did surprisingly found the original at another place, and I can only hope it was place by the original owner.

maybe nothing will happen for now,

but just in case, I believe that there needs to be a way to stop the many youtubers who keep doing that, and think they are not harming her and every other youtuber.

what some youtubers keep doing, by stealing other youtubers videos,

by placing a copy of the full videos on to their channels,

without permission, it can end up getting others mad.

at first I was going to write that episode stealing jerk on here,

but I rather not, so I edited the name out and put Redacted instead.

if I’m going to say who they are, then I will say this...

they are just like every youtuber who doesn’t do the fair use,

and just take a full copy of the episodes and then upload them on their channel.

and the one who did it, is from Canada.

at least not everyone from Canada is like that,

nor is the ones from here and the other places in the world.

I wonder if I might have distant cousins from Canada...?

maybe not but it is still possible I do and don’t know it,

there is a possibility I could have distant cousins from around the world, because of my different ancestors and heritages.

it isn’t just that youtuber that is the problem,

it’s every youtuber that keeps doing it.

I know there are others who feel the same way, and wish youtubers like them would stop.

yes Youtube still has some problems.

I would suggest Vimeo, but I'm not sure if that is for the best, yeah there does seem to have Helluva Boss episodes on the Vimeo.

but I don’t know if half of the people who had put them on Vimeo,

are part of the team that worked on Helluva Boss.

I wanted to try to check Vimeo, to see if Viv has a channel their,

and maybe see that as a alternative place to watch the episodes.

it doesn’t seem likely, which I guess is fine.

I’m still fine with watching the episodes and even other videos of theirs on youtube.

I’m not sure if I will watch stuff on Vimeo very much.

it kind of sucks that how this day was going so well,

until find another one of Those Youtubers, once again doing that...

and they better not touch the Arackniss Audio Series,

I’m will not be happy if AxelGear becomes another target for those jerks.

maybe I should just try to relax, and hope karma will deal with those jerks.

I think after I check out Xbox One’s Youtube,

I will watch Panty & Stocking, well maybe before that,

I could watch My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, no wait maybe I will watch a movie first.

maybe Deadpool, yeah I think I will watch Deadpool first.

then later I will watch the Arackniss Audio Series from the beginning.

also now that I know from a confirmation sign (ain’t saying what sign.)

that my soul name is Small Lilith, maybe I can try to see if I can have it changed....even if the name Lilith is a normal name now a days.

it doesn’t really help that my spiritual heritage is both a Earth Angel

and Succubus, and I have to protect myself dream walking, by the use of the dream catcher I got now, which is bigger than dream catchers I had before I think.

of course when I did sleep with dream catchers when I was little,

it was for different reasons.

plus I sleep with gems under my pillow, some which are gems shaped like angels.

I don’t think I use to sleep with bracelets on,

at least not until I had that one dream where I was still sleeping but it was like being awake at the same time, and all I could see was dark,

I was laying on my back, and then I felt something that felt way too real

and as soon as it happen, it scared me awake.

I think it might of been a incubus.

it’s fine that no one believes that or thinks that I’m worrying over nothing

and it was just a scary dream and nothing more.

but no matter if it was just a scary dream and it just felt too real,

I want to play it safe.

if someone like me, were to accidentally dream walk into another person’s dream, it will be because of the sexual energy and it will put me or anyone else like me, into a trance.

which of course if it was like the normal type succubus,

they would be the one doing the placing a trance on the dreamer that they walk into the dream of.

but for the hybrid souls, they will be the ones place in the trance,

the only way to keep anything happening, is to be fully aware and then not get close to the dreamer that you accidentally walked into the dream of,

and then hope you end up back into your own dream.

at least I know now that the reason why I never truly figured out I was Aceflux,

was because of the sexual energy of others.

I kind of want to flip Matron Lilith and Lesser Lilith, the birdies....

I might not agree with what Adam did to Lilith,

and she would of end up being fully healed thanks to the Earth-Heavenly Mother, if it weren’t for what happen.

of course when the Goddess took a piece of Lilith’s soul,

of course it will have traces of “succubus” in it and possibly along with Lilith’s still human soul, and that soul was mixed with the angel soul that Lilith was having romantic relationship with, and it created a Earth Angel Baby.

my soul isn’t very old, surprisingly it hasn’t done that much reincarnating.

so lucky me I was never the ones who I thought I was in a past life.

I’m just fragmented from their soul.

anyway I have my reasons as to why I can’t help but think of wanting to flip those two Lilith’s off, I mean someone who wouldn’t normally do that,

might end up be doing it because of stuff like what jerk youtubers are doing to other youtubers.

I will understand that many will agree about well the whole how a human can end up being a mix of a Earth Angel and Succubus.

or that they have energy wings that can go into flame mode when upset,

or the wings hug around them when they are upset or nervous or any form of mad or sad emotion.

I’m still human, even though my species identity is Demi-Human.

yes biologically I’m human, and my bio-sex is female.

but my gender identity is binary & nonbinary, which is a bigender identity.

I think it might be possible that my Gyno-Agender identity,

might become Feminine-Nonbinary, but it might stay Gyno-Agender.

plus it might be stereotyping to assume that Heaven will just look like,

well the sky and clouds.

that can be just one version, the other being that it looks like earth,

with trees, flowers and who knows what else.

I mean not everyone has to agree about my new views about it,

and you can respect my different view, just don’t call it blasphemy.

also I want to make sure there is no misunderstandings,

plus I want to only talk about this kind of stuff, maybe only once in a while.

I also want to make sure there is no really bad misunderstandings

that can go past the limit of being understanding to end up hurting others.

most of the time whenever I do say something,

it gets taken the wrong way in the worse way, and I end up having my feelings hurt to the point of crying.

I want to make sure to be more careful and try to make it so that my words are not misunderstood in the wrong way.

misunderstandings can be okay, so long as they are small and things can still be worked out the right way.

also maybe I will wait to watch the stuff that I said I would watch,

I mean I can pick something else to watch later.

I still need to color that Bendy drawing and then post it here,

I would of did it yesterday but I wasn’t able to.

so I plan to color it today and then post it on here later.

I think it is best that I try to see about trying to get my soul name changed, maybe in a few months or next year.

but I guess for now I just have to put up with it.

I think I will watch Hotel Transylvania, I can’t wait until the Hotel Transylvania 4.

it be nice if I could find my own zing one day,

and well I’m fine right now, plus if I ever do find my own zing one day,

they will need to respect my personal space when I need it,

be nice to my baby, aka my cat.

they would also need to understand that I need to go to my bedroom half the time, to protect myself as it is my safe zone.

also they would need to understand my different view of romance,

that romance between two people who love each other,

don’t always have to be all kissing all the time or the snu-snu.

it can also just have them hanging out and playing video games and watching movies or reading comic books or any type of book really.

I think I should only try to find my “zing” when I feel ready to.

and I don’t think I am.

love takes time, even to a heart that has been broken before.

ya can’t force it.

so I’m fine with having crushes on real people and not doing anything about it,

or even having crushes on characters from shows or movies.

and well there is a reason why I use “redacted” for the youtuber that stole those episodes...

it might be a bit sensitive, something that concerns and worries me.

maybe I can explain another time about it, like why I had decided to edit out their Youtuber name before posting this up.

I can be sensitive I know, my most dominant expression now

is what you will see on Frisk from the Undertale game.

I do smile and feel happy too, but I rather not smile unless I feel like it.

like if I think of a really funny joke, which I had the other day.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

I think I will wait until much later or tonight to watch Hotel Transylvania and the other stuff I plan to watch.

I think I will watch Arackniss Episode 1 to the other episodes, I mostly watch them not signed into Youtube.

also I have to say if I had to pick

who I would trust more, either my older cousin (who is in jail now, and is most likely a prison-wife possibly.)

or Valentino and Vox....

I’m gonna go with the two Overlords.

as dangerous as they might be, I don’t think they would cross a very dangerous line that my much older cousin did that got them thrown in jail in the first place.

I’m making sure to pray every once in a while

to both God and Goddess that he stays there for life.

I still think it is possible if I was listen to, about what I remembered from my childhood, which might of been a warning dream,

and if it was then I need to try to find out which Angel gave me that warning dream, and make sure they do NOT do that kind of warning dream again,

if they are gonna do that, make sure just say it and not let it be a kiss that ends up traumatizing and causing bad feelings where the child doesn’t talk about it to their family.

it is possible when we get traumatize as children,

we will bury the memories deep in our minds

and we wont remember until years later.

my older cousin wasn’t even in jail yet or did the crime yet,

my trying to tell my concern about them, came first.

and then some time later when we no longer had to worry about him,

we find out he did something really bad.

I don’t think it was a coincidence.

I don’t even think I was truly safe with half of my family.

maybe some of them, but not all of them.

I was just too oblivious and too trusting.

I’m gonna write one more thing up, so I will just post this up first...

and I hope that that youtuber that I had just found out about today,

who is stealing Vivziepop’s stuff, gets stop for good, and others like them.

and if I feel like explaining why I decided to put their name in Redacted, I will.

but right now I can’t.

and I’m sure if there has been anyone who has been hurt past the breaking point before, they might do the same thing as me and try to be cautious.

#vivziepop #stop stealing from vivziepop #stop youtubers from stealing from each other #talking about feelings

0 notes

judas-had-a-crown · 7 years ago

Text

writer tag thingy

I’ve been miracously tagged by @wearemykingdom like eons ago, so let’s do this :P 1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

Yes. More than one actually, but at the moment it’s my. Fucking. Goddamn. HUGE-ASS. Mount Olympus / Roman Empire Batman / Crossover Gotham x Arkham Games AU.

It has become so complex lately that I just can’t find the will to continue structuring the plot at the moment.

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

You really think I’d give you the means to search for it eh. But well, when we’re talking about English works (I have written more stories in my first language of course, so the ones in English are rather limited) it’s probably one of my earliest Hannigram fics. The theme is horrid because ao3 was so new to me back then including all the porn there and I was like “Hey, I can do this too! I want so many views as well!”

So I wrote a smut OS. And I despise it to this very day.

I’m not averse to smut in the least, but I didn’t like it mostly because it lacked a good plot, it lacked any kind of finesse, and, frankly, it also lacked dignity for both the characters. I also hate this OS in particular since I wrote it merely for the sake of gaining attention, I guess. I was a tag-along. You see, I don’t write smut too often, but when I do, I can’t help but try putting in a story which at least compliments the kinks.

Which reminds me, I should probably delete said shameful OS… but it is on my old account. Shit, need to search for the password.

3) what order do you write in? front of 📓 to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Fucking mess. Usually, my ideas start with that one goddamn scene in my head and I scribble it down in mere desperation whereever I can. Then I search for a good song accompanying the general mood of the story and somehow work up to this very scene if I can get my ass in gear. So, I usually start at the beginning.

4) favorite character you’ve written

Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham. They have wonderfully complex psyches to play with.

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing to write?

Daryl Dixon and Rick Grimes - I don’t know anything about The Walking Dead, never watched one darn episode. It was a gift for a friend back then.

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

I was much on the sappy and dramatic / sentimental side of prose for what seems like ages. I would stretch dialogue and thus doom it to become artificial in the long run. Purple prose is no bad thing, but I certainly overdid it more than once. Which is why I’m currently trying to keep my writing as true as possible.

I still love fancy words, but I need to find my own voice between the lines. And I need to finally figure out for whom I write in particular aka who I believe worth of being called ’my muse’… I already know the name of said creature, but I simply can’t decide about their appearance. Suprisingly, Persona 5 has given me great concepts to work with concerning this. I hope I’ll figure it out in time.

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

I do not like to tell people I write if they don’t write themselves. I’ve been having bad experiences otherwise, including family members as well as friends and strangers. Mostly, I have been ridiculed, laughed at or looked over with a furrowed brow.

The only time my writing was kind of acknowledged back in my youth when I would read essays and short stories we would sometimes be tasked with in school. My classmates were glad when I read my stuff, but let me just say… they were happier they didn’t have to read their stuff instead than anything else.

8) favorite genre to write

Is “Give me thee pure and I’ll make thee cry and die” a genre ?

To be honest, I’m not sure which genre I usually write in. I think it’s tragedy / drama.

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Listening to music is one go, watching amvs, Let’s Plays of Horror Games and movies plus reading books are the others. I also cry.

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

@wearemykingdom I’m mostly with you on this one holy shit.

to quote her wise words : SILENCE. FUCKING SILENCE. I LOVE SILENCE. AND ALONE.

Alone indeed, I’m a sucker for solitude -> Solitaire - Marina & The Diamonds

The problem is, I have a problem concerning silence - it’s never enough silence. I have grown used to write on my laptop with in-ear headphones on the ready, but even the sound of the keys or my own breathing would disturb me. Since then I have tried to find in-ear headphones (I can’t wear on-ear headphones due to reasons I won’t explain further) which isolate me from literally anything but fuck, it’s hard to find them, not to mention how much some of them cost. I’m also no friend of bluetooth which makes it all the more difficult to find anything usable. *sigh* Currently - to drown out all the noise of the outside world - I try listening to classical music. Especially violines are soothing for me.

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

I have literally no ass clue.

12) your weaknesses as an author

I’m always busy with plotting things out, imagining scenes and stuff, but I’m often strangely scared of really WRITING IT DOWN. Also I often get bored in the middle of a story and tend to discard it. Also I have been doubting myself quite much lately which is annoying.

13) your strengths as an author

I have literally no ass clue. My writing style has changed dramatically since last year - it will take a while till it gains some consistency again.

14) do you make playlists for your current wips?

“I spend more time on making playlists than writing on my current wips these days” I declare in shame, with four youtube tabs open.

15) why did you start writing?

To find my voice. Also to finally shut down the other voices and people occupying my head.

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

My OCs who want to kick my ass for me outlining their stories - but little old me is still too afraid to write them down.

Oh, also Joker and Batman aka Batjokes. I run into so many new kinds of story takes on their relationship these days and each has its special charm, this isn’t funny anymore.

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

Me: OH MY GOD STOP MAKING THEM TALK SO MUCH ADD SOME DESCRIPTION INSTEAD YOU DUMB POPTART

fledgling author self : *opens up another conversation about death and undying love with a crazed glint in her eyes*

Me:

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

Perfume - The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind. The descriptions are various and exquisite.

Duma Key, Lisey’s Story and many other novels of Stephen King. You, good Sir, ruined me and my standards concerning horror fiction.

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. A special book with Death lending his perspective and word.

The Bartimaeus Sequence by Jonathan Stroud - So funny it made me laugh out more than once. Close to my heart.

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

Miley: outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.

John Travolta: Me

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

I used to write in long sit-down sessions but currently I’m having a hard with them. I’m happy with little spurts.

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

Not yet. Which reminds me, I should probably expand my field of writing themes.

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

Besides always feeling like I don’t belong to anything or anybody like some weird E.T. shtick? Dunno.

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

I have never known so much about homosexuality and ransoming people sold into slavery in the times of the Roman empire than I do now. So yes, more than once. I want every detail as accurate as possible.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

This isn’t short, because I am proud of this whole scene. Enjoy. ->

The fire is bright and hot and all-consuming as it licks across the doorframe and drags itself into the room with sharpened, yellow claws.

He might be blind, but the cackle of burning wood crawling closer to his position is a guess as sure as a man can get. He leans against the wall, fists numb, mind dazed by pain, flickers challenging the red-rimmed shadows behind his eyelids to join the dance. Why is he in pain again? He doesn’t know. The muscles in his legs are jelly, the flesh of his arms clad in stone. It feels more like his natural state to dwell in than anything else he has come in contact with in STEM yet which is impressive to realize if you think about it. But this isn’t STEM, is it? No. The fire came before they plugged him into this machine manufactured in hell. He tries to breathe in but can’t, not really, no matter how hard he tries; someone must have poured ice into his lungs. And why doesn’t this surprise him either? Everything seems to go the way it’s supposed to be.

He looks ahead and sees nothing but wary shapes taking form.

There stands Lily. And Lily screams, tears streaming down her cheeks like liquid glass. The fire catches her from behind and presses its lambent teeth into her hair, immediately going up in flames. Her skin bursts open und reveals tender muscle cords and bones which will never have the chance of growing out. They turn from white to pale yellow, from yellow to ocher, from ocher to a shade close to carbon black. He watches teary-eyed till her screams ring in his ears to the rhythm of his blaring heartbeat. What he called his daughter turns into a pile of ash and he could never put in words how much he despises himself for feeling relieved - if only for a moment, lost and uncared for - when the screaming dies down with her and fades into whimpers that are easily drowned out by the fire’s roar of triumph following behind.

When it turns its ugly orange head at him, jaw-grinding and repellently jubilant, he is as ready as one can be while they catch a beast’s eye. It teeters into his direction like a drunk whore that had their fill but are too far gone to realize it’s already over. He neither welcomes the plague nor shoos it away. And when it’s so close that its claws reach out to scratch the stubble on his chin, he couldn’t care less.

Being bathed in flames hurts less than he expected and more than his nightmares have ever dared to introduce him to. Heat engulfes him, the pain of thousand ant bites impaling his skin and rip through muscles and sinews. Thank fuck Lily had suffocated before she could feel this way… but no, she hadn’t, had she? Mobius took her. The charred corpse they found, the size of a child; four tiny fingers barely intact, the others scrunched to nothing. Myra and he had buried a forgery. Then she left and had made him live a forgery himself.

He only recognizes in passing that the ash started crawling up the floor and drapes over his sizzling bones. One could have called it a last act of consolation. A mercy he doesn’t deserve. The moulding ember is balm to his raw-burnt limbs, hovering over him, weaving a blanket of dead life upon his shoulders and his heaving back. He doesn’t struggle, nor does he think about getting up. He sits and pants and allows the dark remains of wood and flesh and cotton candy to encloak his body like a banshee offering her grave-cold kiss. The room has turned into furnace by now, the smell of his cooking flesh stuck in his nostrils. There is no end, no beginning, no remorse to deal with; only a hunger he is meant to satisfy but can’t. He just can’t do anything right, can he? The fire does not mind his inability. The fire is hungry, and Sebastian is easy prey.

Darkness, sweet as nectar, drinks him in. He lets it. Yet again I will torture tag @universallylightcherryblossom - (I’m sorry honey, but I don’t know too many writers here). Whoever reads this and wants to do it is more than welcome to feel tagged.

2 notes · View notes

lids-flutter-open · 8 years ago

Text

3 Fan-Made Music Videos About Brideshead Revisited and Maurice And How To Mute Them And Pair Them With Songs From The Shins’ Excellent New Album, Heartworms

First, a word on my methods. I have been prompted to embark on studies of this medium--that is, the medium of the fanmade music video about gay lovers from a piece of fiction that may or may not name them as gay--by the dearth of adequate visual representation of homosexuals in media. For a while this was a popular folk art form in America and worldwide. While most videos were about popular TV shows, teens learned video editing skills and then trained their attention on niche interests as well. There are no videos for “Y Tu Mama Tambien” (I’ve checked), but whiter, nerdier gay classics like Brideshead and Maurice have received the AMV treatment. Once in a while I like to regress, and during these times I watch these videos. I appreciate all the people who make these videos for me to consume. Sadly, the popularity of the art form has declined as other video art forms like snapchat and vine have encouraged youth to innovate in new ways. This has led to most of the videos still online for any given fandom (and there are almost always some for almost every fandom) being set to songs which are years out of date. You can remedy this in the comfort of your living room with no technical skills required at all. All you have to do is open a new tab and play a song you like which matches the video sort of. This article is intended to highlight my favorite songs from the new album which indie rock band The Shins has just put out, but you can play any Britney song from before 2005 and it will work just as well for all of these videos.

Without further ado, here’s the shit that’s keeping me up at night still to this day because this is how I engage with my own emotions rather than seeking a therapist or something:

1. Maurice/Alec- Keep Holding On - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQIOu2RmEm0 --pair with “So Now What?”

This video is a classic, posted on Youtube in the brighter year of 2008. Its low-res quality doesn’t impede the seriously artistic way this four-minute long video is put together. Part of the credit goes to the brilliant cinematographers working on the actual movie, but Youtube user perrythaler has a great sense of how to choose clips which convey the narrative arc of Alec and Maurice’s love while punctuating the flow with shots of them embracing, sharing glances while playing cricket, and (most wrenchingly) Maurice undergoing hypnosis. The video also mixes in a lot of variety between dark blues and bright outdoor summer scenes, so it stays interesting. The song isn’t one that currently strikes me as emotionally resonant, but that’s why God gave us mute buttons and allowed us to open new tabs. Like a fine wine, you can pair this video with any music which matches its joyous, nostalgic, hopeful ambiance. For this, I recommend “So Now What.” Mercer’s vocals are floaty and dreamy. Featured lyrics: “I had this crazy idea/that we’d just coast to the end/change lines in every direction/guess we’ll just begin again.” The words to the song really are, you realize, about Alec and Maurice suddenly realizing they are willing to take risks for one another and give up literally everything stable in their respective lives in order to achieve intimacy which transcends class distinctions and which flies in the face of homophobia and, hopefully, avoids the brutality of the oncoming first world war.

2. Brideshead Revisited- With All Of My Heart - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulEHogq4Xwo --pair with song of your choosing but “cherry hearts” works well for the first half

I highly recommend watching the actual video with sound, but you will also want to mute it and use it with other songs, because this is, sadly, one of the very few Brideshead videos out there. It is four glorious minutes long and tracks the happy-to-tragic trajectory of the overall story. There are shots of Charles and Sebastian dancing, laying arm in arm, etc. The later parts of the video are about Sebastian’s alcoholism and Charles falling out of love with him.If you have a song about being in love or longing, mute it and play from the beginning. If your song is about tragedy and grief, start somewhere about two minutes in. “Cherry Hearts” fits with the beginning pretty well, and the lyrics are just so so in line with Brideshead that it prompted me to start on this whole spiral.

You're not wanting anybody wanting you I get it, all is fair But I've been biting all my cherry hearts in two You don't even care Won't you ever come down from the big rock I found you climbing Stowing your diamonds away [Chorus] You kissed me once When we were drunk It left me spinning on my heels Called the devil for a deal You kissed me once When we were drunk My head went rolling on the floor Past the window, out the door

Cut to me crying!!

3. Shattered- Maurice and Clive -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTOJ11iF4d8-- pair with “Heartworms”

I have one complaint for this video, which has to do with the multicolor filters that seemed to the creator to be a good idea and which were indeed very fashionable for AMVs created between 2011-2013. Everything else about this video (when it is muted, anyway, and paired with a really good song) is perfect. It’s heart-wrenchingly organized in almost reverse chronological order, starting out with the scene where Maurice tries to rekindle the physical affection he and Clive had always shared and is brutally rejected by his sweetheart. Maurice starts to cry, and the rest of the video is a montage of the past and then of the scenes where Maurice visits Clive at his country estate after he is married, when Maurice is still mooning over him and has not met Alec yet. I think the original song the creator chose is probably okay, but I won’t ever know because I am only listening to “Heartworms” over this video, over and over again. “Heartworms” is a song about being rejected and not being able to get over it and feeling like while maybe part of it is about homophobia or pain or something personal it might also kind of be about class (which with Maurice and Clive it almost certainly is, since Clive really is from the gentry whereas Maurice is just a middle-class workaday stiff, especially after dropping out). It’s half bitter and half loving, and this video paired with the song captures that sense really well.

There we have it, folks, my midnight infodump! This is what I found myself obsessing over on emotional late nights in the years after I got done caring about Harry Potter. That said, though, if you are ever interested in which Remus Lupin AMVs are good enough to pair up with your favorite mountain goats song, give me a call.

#brideshead revisited #maurice #text #niche blog

12 notes · View notes

cohentoplaywithmagic · 8 years ago

Text

big girls cry || self para

WHO: Tina Cohen-Chang, Parker Cohen-Chang with mentions to Friends. WHERE: Cohen-Chang Residence, Queens New York WHEN:Sunday 12th February,Early Morning WHAT: Tina decides to head back home to go and pick up some board games because that is what she needs right now. WARNING: Tears that is all.

Having little to no sleep was something that Tina had become use too, it was not funny anymore. Her eyes were still burning from all the crying. Her throat stung too, but aether she knew their were more tears yet to come. What she had done was something she would be struggling to forgive herself. The more she thought about it, the more she felt her own heartbreaking. Blaine had told her that she was forgiven. Adam had told her that she wasn’t a terrible person.

Her stomach notes. Tina should text him and let him know. She knows and Blaine knows. How her grimoire turned into a door and she entered willingly. That was something brave now wasn’t it. Tina shot out of bed rushing to her Grimiore that laid open on her desk. She flicks through the pages looking for it. She flicks through the pages and they remain blank, the stain removed from her book like it was never there. On a page laid an empty jar, no orb in sight. <<Come fourth>> Tina summons the jar, watching the empty jar come from out her book. She shakes it. Nothing. She opens it. Nothing. Tina even puts her hand in the jar making sure that the orb hasn’t gone invisible on her.

Nothing was in the jar.

Tina throws it onto her bed as she begins to pace. She was not going crazy was she? This had all happened right? Doors? Red mist? Tiny doors? Restored memories? Seeing Blaine? This had to be real. Oh aethernet this had to be real, the pain was all too real. A single tear falls from her eyes. She wants to scream. She wants to not feel this weak. She wants to be okay.

But what was okay, anymore? What was normal?

Normal left the window the moment she became a witch. Tina knew there was a price and aether she knew now that she was paying for it. She looks at her phone. Early, it was still early.

Not looking back at Rachel, the girl needs to rest. It had been a long night. Tina quickly throws on a skirt, jumper and her docks wrapping up warm ready to embrace the cold. She needs to get out of NYADA and she knows where to go. Tina doesn’t leave her room without her headphones. She places the blue headphones on head like a crown, blaring her music so loud it was blocking out any lingering thoughts. Anything upbeat, anything happy, even if the emotions of the song did not hit her, they could at least create a false sense of security.

Tina walks out of campus like she is on a war path, trying to hold her head high. Fake it till you make it right? She tries her best not to think about anything but flashes of the memories kept burning in her mind, like an terrible AMV Youtube video, the memories play disjointed and the screams constantly on a loop. She sits on the subway, gripping on the hem of her skirt. Trying to keep herself distracted not thinking about anything though her mind lied to her.

She forced herself to hum along with the song, smiling a little thinking about how Blaine began doing last night which was more soothing than expected but not as effective doing it on her own. Other passengers on the subway were giving her puzzled looks. Sure like they had been anything like she had been through the past months. They were lucky to have their Common’s issues. Sometimes Tina wishes she could go back to having money issues has her main worries compared to all of this. She keeps humming loudly as the sub got to her stop.

Tina rushes off, tapping in and out allowing the cold New York hit her in the face. A shiver down her smile. She knows that she needs to walk carefully because the ice and snow but paces faster and faster until she is at her apartment block. Mrs Yana holds the main door open for Tina as she goes for her early dog walk. The old lady is about to ask Tina how College is going but Tina dodges that question like a bullet. She is at the stairs marching taking two at a time.

She is face to face with a door, a door that was harder to enter than most. Digging in her pocket she opens with ease and a trembling hand. Quietly, she closes the door behind her, kicking off her wet boots and jacket. She looks around. Even though she doesn’t live here anymore, this place was still very much home. She walks quietly in the hallway, peering into her parents room making sure that they were still asleep. If they were it was better. All she needs right now is the warmth of home, a place she knows that she can just be.

Actually, she was going to be here anyway to pick up some games for Marley and others. Tina tells herself that as a reason to be here. She goes to the old closet in the hallway, turning on the light standing on her tippy toes to rummaging through the games, as quietly as she could. Her actions are slow and it takes her a while to even realize what she was even doing.

A pair of footsteps were heard in the background. They were careful and slow. Tina swiftly turns, an reaction she has learnt a lot from field studies and combat training. Her arms move up into a defensive motion.

“Tina?” Parker’s voice calls.

She lowers her arms tucking them behind her back,”Ha-hi-hi d-d-daddy. S-sorry to wake you.”

He shakes his head stepping closer to his daughter, “Don’t worry about that Tina. What are you doing home sweetie? Your mother and I weren’t expecting to see you until your birthday at least.”

Tina felt her heart sink. Yeah she hadn’t been making much of an effort anymore to even call or talk with her parents, no wonder they expected only to see her on family center dates. Her face looks sadder. “I...I just came to pick up some-some games.”

“Teeny,” Parker said quietly nearing his daughter,”You sound like you have been crying.”

“I’ve not been...”

“Teeny, please, please don’t lie to me,” her father tells her,”A boy hasn’t broken your heart before Valentine’s Day has he. Was it that Blaine boy you always keep talking about?! Because you know I can...”

“No it was not Blaine! No one broke my heart,” Tina brushes past her father. “It is nothing like that dad.”

“Than tell me Tina, please,” her father pleads,”I can only help you if you tell me Tina.”

“I..I can’t tell you,” her eyes begin to water,”I can’t tell you dad but I know right now is. I need you. I need someone I can just....” Tina let the tears fall, hiding her face in her hands as she began to cry loudly

Parker stops asking as he rushes to his daughter, pulling her into a fatherly hug swaying her side to to side. He rubs her back up and down soothingly, echoing the way Blaine had earlier that day. Parker holds his little girl, lost and confused to what was going on in his daughter’s new life. He hated not knowing but his little girl was growing up.

Parker promised her he would be there for her no matter what, be the father he swore he would always be, but he wishes his daughter would not be afraid to open to him. Still, he stands by her. Parker presses light kisses to his daughter’s forehead whispering,”It is okay Teeny, everything is okay. Daddy is here.”

Tina cries harder, harder than she did before. She was letting everything out. All her hurt, all her braveness. She is allowing herself to crumble in the arms to the one person who could never understand what was going on. Her heart hurt more but this was the way it was going to be.

“I’ve messed up daddy. I’m a terrible person,” Tina cries into his chest.

Parker pulls her face to look up at his. Tucking some her hair behind her ear,”Tina Cohen-Chang,” he voice firm,”Don’t you ever dare say that about yourself ever. You can never mess up and you are not a terrible person. If anything, you are the most loving and sweetest person I know. The number of things that you have given up and the things that you have been through Teeny, you are so brave.So strong. So mature.”

“But you don’t even -”

“Yes I might not know what is going on but I know you Tina and I trust you to make the right choices,” he kisses her forehead,”And you have changed Tina. You might not see it. Tina you are coming over because you are picking up games to play with your friends. Friends, other people who see all the wonderful things that I do.”

“I have a few friends...”

Parker laughs, “The way your phone was buzzing over Christmas- Tina I can tell you have a lot of friends. Did you seriously have to assign them a different text tone each?”

“It makes it easier to know who is messaging me,” she mumbles.

Parker laughs, “My daughter and her technology who would have thoughts?”

“Hahahahah yeah daddy, who would have thought,” Tina laughs nervously.

Parker smiles,”Look you are laughing and smiling. That is the Teeny, that I miss.”

Her smile fades,”But that doesn’t stop the terrible things that I have done daddy.” She sniffs.

He flicks her nose a little,”Now no tears and chin up sweetie.”

Tina nods trying to be brave.

“Tina, there are a lot of things in life that are going to knock you down but crying about it, is not always going to help it. Talking about it does. Now I know talking to your mother and me- you don’t want too but know that you can okay?”

“Yes daddy...”

“No Tina! This is not a yes daddy matter!” Parker raises his voice being firmly. “You have to promise me that you are going to talk to someone that you can about this. No hiding your feelings. You are not alone. I know you are not alone. You have....” he tries to recall the names,”Blaine, that roomate of yours- Rachel than the Senpai boy and...the one who is good with food...”

“Elliott and Adam?”

“Yes those two and the others that you have spoken about. Tina promise me you will talk to someone because I hate seeing you like this.”

“I promise daddy.”

“No you have to promise like you use too.”

Tina places her hand on her head,”I promise on my heart and for those who I love that I will talk to someone.”

“That is my little girl,” he smiles. Parker was about to question if she had been crying often, or had been sleeping. His daughter looks like she was going through something but he knew the more he pushed, the moor walls she would build with no door for him to know. He gives her a one sided hug, ushering her into the kitchen.“Now come on what do you say we have a little bit of breakfast before you head back to your friends? I could make some waffles?”

Tina can’t but have the feeling like Adam had spoken to her father or something. Well no one has met her parents,it might stay that way for a while.She smiles, tears still stained on her cheek, “Breakfast, breakfast sounds good.”

#self para #tag:big girls cry

3 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 8 years ago

Text

Survey #42

“i don’t ask much, i just want you.”

have you ever been to the white house? no, i haven't. what are your plans for tomorrow? not shit. like always. maybe be able to adopt my snake. do you have a debit card? no why did you stop working at the last place you were employed? i kept having anxiety attacks that induced vomiting. have you ever made out with a complete stranger? no...? what would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? probably kill myself. are you very close to your siblings? no would you kiss the last person you kissed again? i'd love to. what bugged you about the last person you dated? well i know now that he's not very understanding. but he tried to be. have you ever slapped someone, why? i hit my sister when i was little. don't remember why. have you ever had sex with someone the same night you met them? no, because i'm not a whore. if you could fly or breathe underwater, what would you choose? the latter, i think. is your life the same as it was a year ago? exactly the fucking same. are you in love with someone? should be obvious enough. what is your relationship status? are you happy with that? single, and no. i'm lonely as fuck. have you ever thought you could do a better job at being president? hell no. when people smoke around you, does it make you cough? sometimes. it'll always give me a headache. would you rather name your child michelle or monica? michelle do you know anyone who works at mcdonald’s? no have you ever felt like you lost a part of yourself? i KNOW i fucking have. when jason left, it was like the majority of me fucked off. have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? no. when you younger and misbehaved, what did your parents threaten you with? mom would threaten to spank me or take away computer privileges do you think it’s weird how babies are made? i mean yeah, i guess, but it is what it is. how would you react if your last ex wanted to get back together? i would just... fuck, man. i'd be so damn happy. are you comfortable in a short skirt? fuck no. do you and your family go on a vacation every year? no. we never do. when you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them? absolutely not. i don't care who my celeb crush is, no one lights a candle to jason. does your dad swear? yeah if your last kiss asked you on a date, what would you say? absofuckinglutely!!! do you think braces are sexy? does anybody, really? it's just something you tolerate. i don't think anyone's "sexy quotient" is affected by whether or not she/he wears braces. do you know anyone that is gothic? i'd love to be a goth if i could afford the wardrobe. how many coats of mascara do you use? like two what were you almost named? kathryn does your family hire someone to do your chores for you? no do you know how to use photoshop? very vaguely how about sony vegas? yeah what is the main reason you want to have children when you grow up? idk, i just... do? when i was with jason, i wanted children because i loved him so much and thus human instinct would have it i wanted his kids, but now that i'm with nobody idk, i just want kids one day. i guess. what do you struggle with? depression, anxiety, ptsd, bipolarity, no job, no money... i struggle with everything. are you self conscious? VERY what is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)? brittany marie is all you need to know. what day did you take your first breath? february 5th, 1996 what are the names of the lovely individuals that brought you into this world? donna and ken. the stereotyped image of a girl LOVES to shop. does this hold true to you? i like to shop only if it's for myself. i know that sounds greedy, but i just like... don't get the pleasure sensation otherwise. even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. what’s yours? hottopic which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties? if i wear underwear, bikini. describe your style for me, using minimal words? comfortable do you have a walk in closet? do you even have a closet it all? no, yes. tampons or pads? why? tampons, because i don't like feeling like wearing a bloody diaper. do you ever pamper yourself? what do you do? no, because i'm fucking poor. do you like surprises? no. i get scared of what it is. how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? none. when is the last time you watched a hockey game? yearrrrssss ago. ever been paid for sex or a sexual favor? nope. have you ever been to a strip club? no, and i never will. do you listen to a variety of music, or do you tend to stick to one genre? i stick to a genre. metal. when you’re going to be at home all day, do you bother to get out of your pajamas? no. which is like every day. do you play angry birds? no. i just recently saw the movie tho and it was super cute. what do you have pierced on you? ears, nose. what’s important about april? my little sister's birthday is there anyone who hates you? probably if I say “psycho”, who is the first person that comes to your mind? me dated someone more than once? no where did you get the last shirt you were wearing? hottopic does your mom know your deepest darkest secrets? no. are you scared of needles? nah, not really. do you know what an ‘amv’ is? yeah, i make them sometimes. how many songs are on your ipod/mp3 player? over 1,000 are there any orange clocks in your house? no do mice freak you out? not at all. how many formal dances did you or have you gone to in high school? i went to two proms. is there a certain movie you always cry at when you watch it? yeah, "the notebook" tears me up everytime. are any of your siblings married? yeah do you like kiwi? hell yes. ever go ghost hunting? no when it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants? dress if you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? what is your favorite flavor? milk, bc i dislike its flavor when i add water. my fave's apples and cinnamon. if you could only own a hair dryer, curling iron, or straightener, which one would you choose? straightener if you’re straight, have you ever thought about kissing the same sex? if you’re gay, have you ever thought about kissing the opposite sex? no. your last relationship, who dumped who? he dumped me. do you believe in love at first sight? explain. no, because even thinking it's possible to look at someone and love them is ignorant as fuck. do you keep a planner? no, because i don't need one. i don't do anything significant, ever. do you want kids anytime soon? no. are you excited for next year? not really. new years doesn't mean anything. what occurs in time isn't affected by one year suddenly ending and changing into another. 2017 will be just as bad as 2016, probably. do you know any german words? i took four classes of it, i know plenty. do you say any words that are pretty specific to your area? no have you ever smoked? nope can you make yourself cry? no. have you ever held a starfish? i don't think so. would you rather live in hawaii or alaska? alaska could you use a haircut? totally what do you put on your scrapes or cuts? usually, nothing. sometimes a band-aid. do you like cheez-its or cheese nips better? cheez-its by a long shot. have you ever held a snake? yes. i hope to again very soon<3 do you know anyone from canada? yeah, jacob's ex. nice girl. has a wild animal ever been loose in your house? mice are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? naw, shit's cool. have you ever met an alaskan? only online. my friend mikaela's alaskan. did you ever play spyro? lmao. i'd STILL be playing it if i had my ps2. have you ever had a near death experience? car wreck, yeah. do you think some babies are ugly? some definitely are. do you love stuff crusted pizza? no, actually. do you apply lotion after you bathe? no, but i REALLY should. has a youtube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? nah son. would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? ha ha, i already do. do gangs scare you? of course they do. the bloods tried to break into our house once when ashley was home alone with maddie. what do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? i don't care how big your boobs are, if your breasts are developed, wear a bra, please. it's only to be decent. does your best friend wear makeup? she rarely does. do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship? be a fucking adult and fix the damn problems. would you rather have donuts or donut holes? donuts do you still watch movies on vhs? no, mom got rid of ours have you used a ouija board and had a freaky experience with it? no, never used one. what’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? get rid of my depression. god, please. what “group” did you belong to in high school? everyone considered me an emo. guess i was and still am one, i'm so ridiculously emotional. what is the best thing you have done in your life? dated jason. what is your favorite animal? list three adjectives to explain your choice. meerkats, as they're very social, ridiculously bold, and curious. what was your nickname growing up? twinkie if you could be anything in the world, what would you be and why? a meerkat biologist, because i love meerkats so much and they make me happy. have you ever had feelings for 2 people at the same time? nope. if you found someone seemingly perfect for you, but it turned out they had a child… would you still give the relationship a chance? at my age, no. if your best friend of the opposite sex tried to kiss you, would you start kissing them back? probably not, honestly. have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? yep do you think the next person you kiss will be a better kisser than the last person you kissed? HA. i HIGHLY doubt that.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

2 notes · View notes

cosmosogler · 7 years ago

Text

hi guys. it’s 10:30 instead of 10 when i am starting this post.

i stayed up until midnight last night because i am REALLY COOL!!! then i got up at 7:40.

i know why my dreams keep feeling so weird when i wake up. it’s because it’s an hour later than usual so the sun is directly in my face and it feels like i got up late. my dreams are me yelling at myself to get up because i am late for school. then it’s 7:30 in the morning when i do wake up.

there was something about the one last night though. dang it. i have too many things going on. can’t remember stuff that happened overnight. they might be loosely based on the bedtime stories i’ve been listening to now that i think about it though.

the other night i was flying... i was a bird. i guess? only some of the time. i was in a house and there was a cat. i got out through the garage i think. i didn’t know what to do with myself after that though.

lately i’ve just been wanting a hug but i don’t think i’m going to get that. and if it happened in real life i wouldn’t be very happy about it.

i taught my class this morning. it went fine i think. i talked to one of my students about the grading system since he was the last one to leave. they all finished like ten minutes early so i got a nice break before my office hour.

i felt like i couldn’t build up any momentum all day though. i went to the care area appointment i had to work on the medical drop and they told me my appointment had been scheduled for yesterday. i mean maybe i said monday? but i’m pretty sure it was tuesday because that’s what i had written down directly after the phone call, and also, the monday appointment would have been in the middle of my office hour, which doesn’t make sense.

so i was turned away. but the lady at the front counter gave me some directions regarding dropping a class so i filled out that request when i got back to the department and got that turned in. i’ve done... basically everything i can do right now. i’m still stressed. now my appointment has been pushed back for two weeks so there’s going to be less than a week before the deadline by the time i do actually see someone whose job it is to do these things.

at coffee cookie time i was so ready to have A Conversation with samantha about the “cute” thing but she never called me cute. so i had all this energy and riled-up feelings and nowhere to put them. i felt... put out. like maybe i should just never do anything about my situations and i guess they will magically resolve by themselves? because preparing what exactly i wanted to say ahead of time to break this new and very irritating pattern was just a waste of time. and i don’t have a lot of time.

maybe she got bored with me? maybe luis talked to her? he didn’t tell me he did.

oh yeah also i made muffins and brought those in for jennica’s birthday. most of us had at least one- suzanne refrained because since we just had halloween she wants to go easy on the sweets.

i was working on grading when harrison came in to hang out. i ended up talking to him for like two hours, me and him and jennica and suzanne and then at the end luis after suzanne left. after he left i finished up my grading and then went home. i was almost hit by cars FOUR TIMES on the way home.

the first time was because i was trying to get over to the left turn lane from the bike lane. i looked back to make sure i had enough room, signalled, and started to turn when the car down the hill suddenly gunned it to try and pass me as i moved into the lane. i had to pull hard to the side, and then i was wobbling, and i still had to get over, so i moved to the left lane and got honked at long and hard by the car behind them. that was the second time.

it’s not like i wasn’t wearing headlights and tail lights. they were on and bright. i just had the batteries replaced. and i signalled, AND originally made sure i had room.

the third time was when i was biking uphill directly after the light. i pass by a parking garage. there were a bunch of cars trying to get in and out right at that second so i waited my turn. then when i tried to pass a car that had pulled out to the exit and sat there a few seconds decided to leave as soon as i got directly in front of it. again, i had bright headlights on.

the third and a half time was because both a bus and another car were parked sideways across the road.

the fourth time was when i was passing through a crosswalk. the car in front of me had stopped like it wanted to make a right turn so i stopped and let it start turning in front of me. after it passed, when i got out into the crosswalk area to keep going, it decided to get back on the road and almost hit me on its way back left.

and i had to stop so many times at the roundabouts on the way home that i never even got up into 6th gear.

it was so angering that when i got home i didn’t even want to do anything but complain about it. i sent a message asking who put the stupid juice in the water and then i put some soy thing in the oven and waited. dinner was just ok. not sure i’m gonna get those “chick’n” things again from that brand though.

i ended up watching youtube for a million years instead of doing my quantum homework, YET AGAIN. i want to say that i’ve been over exerting myself for too long but like... i dunno, i can’t tell if i’m tired or lazy. everyone tells me how hard i work and it’s like, i took a whole three hours off today! what are you talkin about?? i only worked nine hours! IF THAT!

should just be a work machine. cranking out an entire homework assignment a day. i feel horrible for ONLY getting done one section of grading. but all these departments keep giving me the runaround and i get so exhausted running from the drc to the cwc to the dso to the physics office to the graduate advisor back to the drc back to the dso but oops they didn’t pen in my appointment for the right time come back next week...

it’s like they design it so that only people who don’t have depression can get accommodations for depression. and i don’t have any time to rest between these paperwork expeditions and homeworks due and classes to teach and grades to calculate and finances to manage and somehow still be working on therapy strategies and trying to develop social connections so i don’t feel so fricking isolated.

the longer i go without seeing the care area the longer it’s gonna take for me to be able to find an individual therapist who takes my insurance and isn’t also a hack. i am trying to delegate but unreliable OFFICIAL OFFICES make that hella difficult. and i just don’t have time to do it myself right now.

i’m too nervous to start my homework. that’s the real problem. i feel like i lost too much momentum and i won’t be able to remember anything i’ve even done in the classes up to now. and then my brain is all,

instead of giving me useful things like what we did in class last week. i lost a day of notes too because no one shows up for classical mechanics. jennica doesn’t take very good notes... i’ll have to make do with what she’s got, maybe tomorrow? maybe not. depends on what i can get done.

usually this only happens once a semester. something will slow me down for a week or two and then i’ll have to claw my way back up to where the rest of the class is.

THIS SEMESTER IT’S HAPPENED TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE PLAYING CATCH-UP, I LOVE BEING STRESSED AND TIRED AND OVERWORKED ALL THE TIME, I LOVE BEING SICK, I LOVE WHEN MOM CALLS ME RANDOMLY AND SAYS IT’S *MY* JOB TO MAKE DAD FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME BEING MAD THAT HE DID BAD THINGS AND THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO YOUR ACTIONS, BABY-MAN!!!

it doesn’t help on the tests either because playing catch-up is not the same as reviewing. AND i don’t have as much energy as my classmates for doing practice exams, nor do i have as much time, because since i don’t have as much energy for ANYTHING, i’m still doing this week’s homework while everyone is getting ahead.

at 10 instead of starting to write i loaded up an episode of pokemon that i never saw. the meowth one where he talks to the viewer about how he learned to talk and stuff. hashtag relatable, man. guess by the time i get my phd i’ll be a freak too.

(i already am but that’s beside the point)

something good today is that i am now only 1 week behind on grading (this week’s lab doesn’t count as behind yet). i’m going to stop grading now until the weekend, when i need to have 6 more sections done by tuesday in order to really be “caught up.” but we have a long weekend so this is fine. it’s fine. it’s fine! i’m fine. this is fine.

i don’t got time to cry.

something good today... positive self talk is hard.

it’s harder with mood swings.............

i’ve been doing pretty good about. like. eating breakfast every day. i think i’ve only missed it once since i started grad school in mid august. and i eat at least a snack at dinner time every day. lunch has been trickier because my days are a dumpster fire of stuff to do but i try to at least have a snack then too. i think it’s been doing really good for my metabolism. and i’m just not exhausted and miserable and sleepy in the mornings! i’ve only fallen asleep in class once and it was after a REALLY miserable night. i think it was the day after my all-nighter 40 hour awakness adventure. my body realized i’d skipped a day when i did finally get ~9 hours of sleep.

you know what i like? i never talk about it any more. i liked the saturday morning sonic cartoon from like 1991. it was gucci.

the fist time i ever saw it was from an amv set to a song i’d never heard. and now i really like both of those things. i will post it in a minute because i like it and you might too.

like the cartoon had its strange moments but it’s an early 90s cartoon and i’m gonna hazard a guess that there were some... executive decisions in the premises of some of those episodes. and, overall, the last season, and ESPECIALLY the last five episodes, are a solid 9.5/10. i still have the box set in my room with my old writing printouts. i might... want that here actually, if i didn’t bring it along on a whim and it’s sitting with my movies and i forgot it’s there because i haven’t watched any of my movies in three months lol.

i just never hear anyone talking about it! i found an animorphs community and that’s good. and satam sonic wasn’t exactly my childhood, i didn’t find it until i was like 13 or 14. but it’s charming, animation errors and low budget and jaleel white and all.

actually i take it back. jaleel white is the best sonic voice actor. fight me.

0 notes

mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune · 4 years ago

Text

2021 Is The New Year, But I Feel Sad Tonight

things seem pretty okay at the start of this year.

still procrastinating, but if you feel up to doing what you make your goal

right away, then you should be able to try to enjoy a little relaxing, watching your favorite shows or movies, or maybe do some drawing and try to come up with ideas for future chapters for fan fic that you have to post in a different place than where you would normally post them.

but I’m sticking to that promise,

and just need time to get around to it a little more.

I’m crying right now, and not just because of the possibility of my pendulum being right about someone I considered a friend, doing something behind my back, and lying to others and well....I’m still gonna hope it isn’t true.

and my pendulum was just playing a REALLY mean prank.

I am also upset that ANOTHER person is stealing from Vivziepop,

and they can’t even understand why the Youtube User

who goes by [Redacted], is mad.

which I can understand why they are mad and well the other party who has done it might not realize it and need to be told in a gentle way about it.

and at least when others use drawings or clips,

to do dubs or music videos, they give credit.

I even mention in a journal over at the other place I go to,

about how someone else had broke the Pilot episode of Hazbin Hotel,

and even wrote for the title if Hazbin Hotel Was A Series.

I really REALLY hope both Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss,

get on Adult Swim, I need to look up to see when Cuphead Show is gonna come on, all I know it is suppose to be around 2021.

I think I feel a bit better now, when I had stop typing for a few or so on this,

I was talking to family, guess it helps to talk to family at times.

I still don’t like my pendulum giving me such replies about someone I trust.

I really don’t do well with betrayal, and plus the reason like I said before

about my reasoning for chickening out about telling whats going on.

well about what that one Youtuber from before was doing,

because I know it is possible I might just end up messing it up,

and possibly get my words misinterpreted, and I thought that

I saw the number of one of the journals, and I ain’t pleased.

it would be different if it was just my fan art or whatever,

but I had talked about it around December of 2020, which was last year.

maybe after I check out some stuff on here, I can go sign in to Rooster Teeth

and check out Red Vs Blue or maybe even one of the Death Battles.

I asked my pendulum if any of those who saw those journals, even care

about whats going on, and well it gave a “No” but it could only mean only half of them don’t care about it.

if I could use magic to it’s fullest power, I would open a portal and get out of here every once in a while and take a nice vacation.

I would make sure to come back here of course...

I’m kind of peeved off at most of humanity, even if there are still some good ones....which it is the good ones that make me not be full on Misanthrope.

so yeah I’m just Semi-Misanthrope.

I wonder if I have become a bit more sensitive than normal?

it could have to do with how I had got over a depression in 2015, but then the next year I ended up in a whole new mess...

I really need to try not to let myself fall into another depression after having recovered from one that was from what was happening at home.

well I was always sensitive and when I get really sad about something,

I would end up crying.

I just really hope that everything works out, and people who can explain what’s going on much better than me, will tell the team whats going on.

I just need to try not to worry about it too much about it.

another thing I should try not to worry about, is the fact my pendulum gives me a Yes, about being in love with...someone I can’t say the name of.

just because we MIGHT of been together in one of my past lives,

don’t mean it is going to happen in this life.

best to just try to ignore it and bury it deep deep deep very deep down,

or least try to.

having a crush I can handle.

but my pendulum has to be playing a really mean prank on me about who I am supposedly in love with.

I know I let things get to me too much, and well because of how badly I was hurt.

and how I had to give in to such unfair demands, that didn’t really fix the problem at all....and we could of worked it out if I was just told...

and if it was about a journal, then they could of just told me...

great now I’m crying again, and it isn’t just because of well that mess from a few years ago.

I guess even though I did get better after a second depression, which was partly my fault because I let what happen get to me too much.

and well it put me in a very darker place than what I was put in when that nightmare stuff was going on around at home.

I want to try to talk with friends more, but at the same time I still need to have time to myself, like a lot.

I am still tired of being hurt past my breaking point,

and I really hope that my pendulum is just playing a really mean and cruel prank, not from the whole me being in love with.......someone.

but because of the thought of being purposely hurt...

it is possible my pendulum when it doesn’t give me a truth, or a friendly prank.

like the one where Gaster being real and he implanted the idea of Undertale and Deltarune in Toby Fox’s Mind...

or the whole my soul despite being in a human body,

is a upside-down heart, which is kind of like the Monster’s Souls from Undertale....

those are fun pranks it does.

but anyway it is possible that it shows me worries,

things that I know would hurt me deeply.

maybe I should make it charge by the window again,

as well as take some food salt,

pray with it in my hands to the Divine Father & Mother,

and throw the food salt on to the pendulum.

I had discovered I can get rid of certain negative energies

that end up on some stuff we have, by taking some food salt

(that we normally eat with.) then pray with it in my hands,

then throw it on the said item.

well at least it is being honest about the whole embarrassing empath thing.

and about how the bracelets I wear seem to now protect me from such energies.

I’m not saying what it is on here though...

it could at least give a No about it not being true,

and it was just joking.

and maybe I shouldn’t be too mad at well the ones who couldn’t understand

what they were doing with Hazbin Hotel and even Helluva Boss.

but even if some people might stand up for them, and might even resort to some name calling.

but there are lines fans should never cross.

and even if fans do use some parts of clips, or mix clips up into a fan music video, it is important to make sure that those who see it,

will understand the clips belong to it’s original owner or owners.

otherwise it will be like that false report on the original Undertale Amv

yes someone did do some subs for it, but the one who gave the false report,

might of not bothered to check the day or month of the said two.

and I believe that the one who did subs for the Amv, did ask for permission.

I have mention before that I dislike the negative side of Youtube,

cause they let false reports happen.

I like the positive side of Youtube,

and I hope all of you understand what I mean.

maybe I should try doing mediation again,

but maybe I should wait until tomorrow....

I might not be in the right mood for it right now.

I got a violin for christmas, but I’m not very good at playing it,

but that’s fine, I don’t mind if I sound a little terrible on it.

another thing that my pendulum is full of Determination

to prank me with, is it still giving a Yes about Jesus Christ having Descendants.

and I guess since I know it is a prank, I can say it here.

I keep asking if Jesus is my Ancestor, and it keeps giving me a “Yes”

I ain’t telling my family I been asking my pendulum questions,

that need a “Yes” or “No” type of reply.

and i sure ain’t telling them that the pendulum keeps pulling the same prank about well Jesus who is suppose to be like a very distant cousin, being like technically my ancestor too...?

I think it is just one of it’s pranks.

maybe I really should get the food salt prepared to throw at it,

make it go into a time out and stop pulling such mean pranks.

at least it giving a Yes about W.D.Gaster being real and implanting the idea of the two video games of both Deltarune and Undertale into Toby Fox’s mind,

is a really good and funny prank it is pulling.

okay I think I feel better now and am not gonna cry again.

I know I had mentioned before about the whole being a descendant of King David.....which the Virgin Mary is the descendant of him too,

which makes Jesus technically a very distant cousin...

King David was a dysfunctional Dad, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Grandpa Solomon was the same...

even if you might end up with a really cool ancestor or ancestress,

there will always be ones that will disappoint you.

but anyway this ain’t about the dysfunctional ancestors....

I need to try to keep to my happy place and try not to let worries

and hope the whole stuff that I had talked about before.

oh and no matter if your religious or atheist,

it’s fine ya don’t think much of what was said,

after all it has to be my pendulum just pulling one of it’s pranks.

not about being a distant cousin thing,

I knew that way before I got my pendulum.

I think I might of known before I got it,

I know that someone in my family told me about

the whole we are family to Jesus...

you know if he did have a daughter way back many moons ago....

my pendulum gave me a truthful Yes, so yeah...

if he did have a daughter, he would of treated her better

and not be like King David and how he didn’t do anything to help Tamar.

but if anyone who is atheist doesn’t believe about all that,

I wont force ya, it’s fine if you don’t want to.

I mean I did once thought I was Christian, and even went by it for some time.

I can still have the same believes as when I did thought I was a Christian like the rest of my family.

but I am a Ma-Acolyte, I believe in well The Divine Father, Mother and Jesus.

but it is fine that no one believes the same as me, plus I don’t believe it is right to force convert.

if someone wants to convert, it should be of their free will.

you should never make them feel bad or tell them if they don’t,

they will go to hell.

well being “Gay” ain’t gonna be the reason you go to hell,

no matter how many times people say it will.

that is one of the honest and 100% truthful replies to my questions,

that my pendulum gave me.

so yeah being Gay ain’t a sin.

and my bigender identity & being Aroaceflux ain’t a sin either.

in case anyone doesn’t know about well the whole bigender thing.

it is like two gender identity,

for me I still see myself as my biological birth gender.

but at the same time I see myself as Non-Binary too.

so yeah I am Gyno-Agender.

it took me some time to figure out the true parts of me.

I’m listening to the parody of ADDICT right now,

it is nice that they make sure to put the original link to the original maker of the song as well as the music video that it was used in.

it suppose to be Valentino and Vox singing it.

(with Velvet too.)

why do I find Valentino & Vox’s voices attractive.

well I do find Stolas’s singing voice really charming.

well there are different ways to be attracted to others.

like a sirens singing voice, you can’t help but be enchanted.

I think after getting some feelings out, I really do feel better.

might not be able to do a lot of what I want to do on here right now.

so maybe just a few things, like how I heart/faved two posts when I had first signed on this year in 2021.

and by the way there was a reason why I put “Redacted”

it is like to censor a name, I even decided to do that after figuring out

about well what was wrote in that Five Nights of Flirting I had downloaded.

it’s basically a AU of a AU, but according to the person that made the fan game, the original creator doesn’t want to be named.

I really need to figure out how not to die so fast in that game.

at least it gives you a option of being Male, Female or Non-Binary/Genderfluid.

and well I am kind of both of the Female and Non-Binary part.

but I can just pick all three for different routes.

but the game is “M” so it isn’t for everyone.

speaking of “M” rated, I need to make sure when a younger family members

come over, I need to make sure they don’t get their hands on my M rated games.

there are some things that a little kid should NEVER see, not until they are old enough.....

there is just some things you do not let your kids see,

and if they do, they might understand later on that they weren’t the proper age to see certain movies or shows, and they want to try to stop the cycle from repeating.

maybe I shouldn’t bother with placing tags for this.

I decided to ask my pendulum again about the whole friend thing

and if they were just joking, and I believe I asked it to be serious

and I felt mad too, so maybe becoming a little more mad at it, will give a answer that isn’t a mean prank that is from my fears.

I just don’t like being betrayed,

that had happen to me before, with a boy who I thought was my best friend.

the teachers were no help either,

couldn’t just understand from my point of view.

anyway maybe I will check out some stuff on here first,

then I will go watch some cartoons and try to stay in a happy place.

anyway see ya later, stay safe and happy late new year everyone.

PS:

this time the pendulum had admit it was joking, so yeah it better not pull such a prank again....but I think for a few days I wont use it....

but I will throw food salt on it....that joke it was playing wasn’t funny.

it was one of the reasons I started to cry and worry.

so the pendulum is gonna get a timeout for the rest of the day...

0 notes