#i keep telling myself but i want to talk abt it
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i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.
to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.
narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore
(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)
like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)
and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..
#egg boils#IM SOOO BONKERS SORRY THEYRE MY FAVES I WANT THME TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON ESCH ORHEF SO FUCKING BAD.#consider this: narumi teaches mina to be less serious. to stop holding onto the burden of others and her team mates and Fight because she#wants to. hold onto ur weapon clench ur teeth because you WANT to be here and protect lives and not because You feel like you have to ashir#and mina teaches him abt team work and yes you can work along but And maybe having to consider ur team members IS burdensome for u but isnt#it nice to have someone watch ur back? for someone to Help you narumi#please please show me how they’ve influenced each other I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY HAVE. I INOW IT. matsumoto please.#i will never be over mina and how genuinely AFRAID she was#ashiro mina my absolute beloved#narumi tells mina to stop being so freaked out all the damn time because you have your team mates don’t you?! always talking my ear off abo#about team work but you can’t even trust your own comrades?!#mina tells narumi that HE keeps acting recklessly because he doesn’t trust his team mates either!!! they’re perfectly capable too#ohhhhh i’m sick im sick i want mina to knock some sense into narumi and vice versa i want them to be the reason they trust their units to#SUCH a degree now. i want them to be the reason why they stand for their men so strongly (narumi immediately pouncing on no.9 when he showe#kikoru isao’s face. mina’s anger and appreciation when her unit stood their ground against no10.#mina#narumi#kaiju no.8#they’re my top two of course i’m making this shit up. i need it so bad bside please please please#i know she grit her teeth and got used to be alone when she subjugates from the roof top but CONSIDER narumi the delinquent but extremely#capable recruit being the one to show her how to live less in fear#i need a tag for them#don’t be stupid#okay that’s it that’s my tag#kn8 spoilers#sorry again. tagging for myself#narumina
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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do i make ashara more devoted to mythal post trespasser or do i alienate her from the evanuris entirely. is she immune to propaganda by virtue of how badly solas damaged her ability to believe in anything or is she especially vulnerable to it now bc she still WANTS to believe in anything. is she sporting subtle mythal details in her costume design or is she not
#love talking to myself on tumblr dot com <3#oc: ashara#i feel like she's always believed in the principles/vague mythos of the evanuris more than taking it all at face value#so even tho she might know the truth abt the evanuris she would still hold mythal's values of justice close to her and express it thru her#but also like. having MET mythal. and drank from her well. actually meeting not just the gods but YOUR god and her being confirmed the#''nicer'' one who tells u that ur cool and are doing a good job... idk. i think theres a possibility of her being manipulated/doubling down#and like.. she got rid of her vallaslin for solas and then HE left. her inquisition is frail her relationship with her clan is frail#her family is mostly dead lol. no arm no anchor...... like. mythal's approval + the well is all she REALLY has at this point#and she gets attached to people. to things. so so much .idk. its tricky bc shes lonely and needs some sort of SOMETHING to keep her going#but she also deeply believes in The Truth and accepting reality even if it sucks. so idk if she'd hold on to smth just out of comfort/habit#bc shes a pragmatist at heart and open to change. but like circumstances are sort of pushing her to her brink lol#i genuinely have no idea. maybe the secret third answer is that This is the problem shes facing in datv#the crisis of faith. wanting to stand by her ideals versus wanting to feel held by SOMETHING even if its a lie#and a character breakdown as a result that could go one of two ways#man its so funny talking abt her like shes a Real character i am being paid to write. insane that im doing this for free for an audience of#like 3 people who care JKJGFKJFGKJGKF
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hello... (and bye ig 👋)
#👋😭 hi...#i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone#i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭#i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh...#uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂#i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but#i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause#i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say...#i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu#it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media /#without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao#i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy#pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on#i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a#depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think#i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just#sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ????#i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become#even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it#i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it#like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi#i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda#makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd#not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what#they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling#anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀#i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say#this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel#like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭#who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡
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Hey question 4 autistic/adhd/ppl who didn't socialize much as a child, do y'all have ppl say shit like "can't you talk about anything besides yourself?"/"you're really selfish/self centered" to you??
#the last couple times I've been trying 2 talk 2 mom she keeps saying shit like that and its bugging me#bc 2 me im just having a conversation abt my day or whatever#or im saying smthn i wanted to tell her b4 i forget which occasionally interrupts her#and she keeps saying it like im being this narcissistic person or smthn. as if me talking abt the MH dolls i saw @ work last week is like-#idk man. like im boasting abt how great i am. also she asked when i was gonna grow up after i talked abt the dolls so.#anyway#ive noticed that idk how 2 rlly hold conversations with other ppl so i just- default to talking abt somethin i did or whatever#when idk how 2 respond 2 smthn. is that rlly me being self centered?#i just- all i had 2 talk 2 for the last like- 8 or 9 years was myself and now i have 2 socialize again & i feel like im being rude#or only talking abt myself bc i have no experience with talking 2 other ppl#idk#anyway lmk#autism#adhd#elliot rambles
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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.
#j.txt#vent#barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible#I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do#my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over#the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa#nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to#see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc#I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being#treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through#any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt#but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much#but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really#I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen
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me, every time i start playing a game where your choices affect the outcome for the billionth time in a row: I think I'm gonna change it up this time
me 30 seconds later, immediately interacting with my favorite character in the same way i do every time: HEY BESTIE IM BACK
#this isnt about night in the woods what are you talking about#i definitely dont tell myself im gonna change it up every time only to bug Angus for the entire game#i did bother gregg the entire time one time so I should get points for that I think#poor bea :( i keep wanting to do her route but then I just “hehe bear man”#night in the woods#nitw#nitw game#gaming#video games#indie games#nitw angus#nitw gregg#nitw mae#nitw bea#also abt undertale kinda i keep starting a geno route and then feel guilty and stop to befriend papyrus
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just
it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)
#text post#god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again#in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps#makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now#gonna sleep eventually#i think lmao#im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better#that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something#no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that#my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it#he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances)#and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year#i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND#and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live#that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me#he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off#where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself#if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao#i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine#gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings#find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try#forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others
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hehe
#me def not being good director w regard to one specific weird little subset of our club#but then also being reminded that#no one ever fucking responds to me in those discord channels ;-;#i wanna ask smth but like i asked it a while ago and they just . ignore the message ;-;#but still no i did like .... do rly bad there bc i just kinda let it be#and now we're coming up on show#and we're not Unprepared#but we're not ...... incredibly prepared lol just regarding this one thing but we have some time#but#i just want to stop like mentally beating myself up over it lol#and like i need to let myself ask stupid shit rn#but i've also been thinking abt it like the entireeeee afternoon and havent done shit so#😀😀😀😀#jeanne talks#SENTTTTTT the message#i also keep telling myself like fuck u for not doing very well w it like all of last semester/this one so far lmfao but#u can try to do more now ;-; even if they hate u and r judging u for it 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩#which there is absolutely no evidence of except in my imagination c: <3#bro (me) shut the fuck up ;-;#can i get OUTTA MY HEADDDDDDD BRO#doesnt help that they haven't responded LOLLL altho it has only been a couple hours . but#also lowkey . i should probably just give up on work at thihs point based on my productivity the entire evening#and go to sleep early#but i probably wont lmfao#also bc my cat is just like on my back rn and i dont want her to move#i'm laying on my stomach on the couch and she's on my back lol#c:#i feel like having my roommate .. be here would help lmfao#so im not just 100% in my head alone all the time#but ya know cant wish for the impossible <3
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𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅
#i know im way too intense and melodramatic#but i keep feeling so sad and starting to cry constantly bc everything reminds me of him#like when im outside and feel the breeze against me all i can think is how i'll never walk next to him and know what his hand feels in mine#when im going on an errand i think of im never gonna do it with him and feel his hand on the small of my back#and turn my head to look up at him while we're talking abt anything and everything#when im on my walks i get so sad bc i've fantasized a million times abt going on different kinds of walks with him#but now i dont even have the hope that i'll ever get to go on a walk with him and point at all the birds i see#or show him the snails i find :c or talk to him or walk in comfortable silence#when it rains .. he reminds me of rain and i feel so sad bc i'll never be held or hold him while it rains outside#when im in the grocery store all i can think abt is how he will never occupy the empty space around me#i'll never get to walk up next to him while he browses a shelf and grab his arm and pull him close to me#i'll never get to put my arms around his waist and feel him pull me close and rest my head against his shoulder#it's all i can think abt....#when i read a book or watch a show i wanna talk to him abt it. when smth happens i want to tell him#i wont ever get to cook for him or take care of him or listen to his worries and try to be there for him#i'll never get to play video games or watch movies with him#the loss of him hurts so bad bc it's just him him him for me (i know it cant be anymore i know) but no one is him#i keep wondering what he'd think of this or that or just like literally everything#i dont know.. i just keep crying bc i think of it all the time and it hurts so bad bc ???#also he's the only one i've felt safe and comfortable showing certain sides of aspect of myself. i never thought it was possible but w him#it was. so idk i feel so hollow on my own account lol... i feel selfish bc ofc i care abt him and want him to be happy but i hurt sm too so
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god i need therapy and to move out
#aka i need to move out#idk how much longer i can take listening to my parents just say shit and have opinions and then expect me to feel the same way#and when i disagree suddenly i’m siding with the wrong people#when quite literally i’m trying to make you understand that your thoughts are not the only thoughts to be considered#while also trying to validate their feelings but that they’re not communicating at all and are taking it out on ppl#i am so so so tired of being the constant middleman between my family members and ultimately having to hear everyone say shit abt everyone#and expect me to immediately agree or understand#like girlies you can all be wrong and you all are and the fact that you aren’t willing to admit your wrongdoings is your first problem#your second was expecting me to hype you up and encourage your behavior#having to constantly remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to keep the peace or to solve my familial issues#and the one time i tried to explain this it was met with ‘no one’s asking you to’#which is true !!! but then why are ALL OF YOU complaining to me and only me#why are you burdening me with all of this information#and if i tell you i can’t handle it or don’t want to talk about it i’m suddenly the bad guy too#i can’t win here your honor !!! the only solution in which i win is to get OUT#and of course i can’t make anyone say or do or believe anything#i’m not naive enough to think i can#but sitting there silent isn’t helping and speaking doesn’t either and there’s no other good solution#it’s just exhausting
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Ohhh I’m not the Alex Turner of this relationship I’m Alexa Chung
#I think we have to break up like#I keep trying to be positive abt it but she’s going to weigh me down on this move I can tell like she hasn’t once said she’s excited for me#or anything just how she’s going to miss me and like I’ve tried communicating how fucking big of a change this is going to be and how a LDR#is going to be hard and how I’m not going to be able to just come see her at the drop of a hat anymore and like#I just don’t think she gets it#like at all#the age difference and emotional maturity gap is really showing herself tonight#just talked myself in circles abt it for an hour w my best friend and her roomie and like I think I will have to#like we were at her place earlier tn and talking abt flights and her spring break is like a week after I move in#and I’m like in my head like I don’t want you coming out there so soon like I won’t even be settled or unpacked yet#like I’ve spent so much energy focusing on my move and how it will be good for myself personally bc I have to and I’m scared to do it#like I do not have the bandwidth to handhold you through this at the same time I need you to grow up or this won’t work#Augh#personal#mine
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It's crazy that people read the words I write
#being perceived 😵💫😵💫😵💫#anywho its very windy and very rainy and im debating whether its safe enough to drive to work in my little car#its small enough that it gets pushed a bit on the road by strong winds#ive been staring out the window debating this for thr last hour instead of sleeping#i also have. a lot on my mind.#i wish i had the courage to talk to people i knew but. my brain tells me it would be a waste of time. they wouldnt care#i try not to talk abt it on here becos im like. hyper aware of myself and dont want to be annoying/weird#like i keep 75% of my emotions and issues to myself (and maybe thats not the healthiest way to do it 🫠)#but for a little while now my brain has been playing tug of war with itself and its been exhausting#exhausting to still feel this way abt people and things a year-ish ago#like my brain still wants to care but it also knows its futile and ill get hurt again if i try#its a really lousy feeling becos its like a hurtle i cant get over or around.#ill start to think im over it but then ill fall right back on my butt#scout.txt
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he’s annoying, i don’t like him (he hasn’t given me as much attention lately)
#im fighting for my life out here#i feel so childish and annoying. like rationally ik i can’t have his undivided attention. but that doesn’t mean i don’t want it sometimes🥺#i think what actually is happening is that im worrying he’s about to ghost#i feel bad thinking that though. bc he seems like a very honest and mature person? with how he talks abt things i don’t think he would rly#ghost me after talking for this amount of time. but ya never can tell…. every time we don’t talk as much for a few days i get very nervous#and it’s weirdly quite difficult to push that worry out of my head. and then i get annoyed with myself for worrying about it to begin with#like i can’t control what he does so why worry about his hypothetical actions? i’ll deal w the consequences of them if or when they occur.#if we stop talking i’ll feel sad and i’ll miss him for a bit and then i’ll get over it. that’s all. it’s not that bad.#but anyway my point is we good#sometimes idk if id truly feel That sad. i think it depends how it ends.#or maybe i just don’t think anyone can hurt my feelings as much as the first person to hurt my feelings in a specific way#like you experience a loss or betrayal or grief - whatever - the first time and it’s all encompassing. it feels like it could genuinely kill#you it hurts so bad. and every subsequent loss or betrayal or grief you experience just isn’t the same? you barely flinch#maybe it’s because you learn to process those emotions better or maybe it’s keeping things at arm’s length as a protective measure#that means nothing hurts as much as the first thing#idk#this became a silly ramble#im just very attached to him and i miss him when he’s busy but also don’t want to ask too much for fear of being a nuisance or rejected :)#ykwim?#i miss him a lot
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lol just found out the former owner of this property has been surveilling all our mail via usps's informed delivery service, to which he still has access because he never bothered to file a change of address with them even though it's been literal years at this point, and so now i get to put 'calling the post office to get him kicked off because what the actual fuck' on my to-do list for the day!
also: i found this out because he emailed my dad an image of a piece of mail he wants us (me) to forward to him. flames on the side of my face.
#like—i was mildly annoyed when i thought it was just him being lazy#but the fact that his inaction has given him ongoing access to peruse all the mail we receive?#which on the basis of this email he clearly does at least sometimes?#CREEPY. like yeah it's whatever but also it's the principle of the thing!#anyway. as much as anything i'm irritated bc i'm not running on enough sleep#but. greargh. 🦖#(i mean‚ i'm also irritated bc my dad should have told him politely but firmly *years* ago that we'd forwarded more than enough of his mail#and that it was past time for him to file a change of address with USPS#but bc he's such a fucking doormat‚ the whole thing didn't get resolved#and is now *my* problem‚ unless i'm happy to let this guy keep viewing all my mail. which i'm not.#which is always how this works.#'i can't tell your uncle now isn't a good time‚ so i have to take his call in the middle of whatever we're doing!'#he doesn't respect himself and so he just absorbs everyone else's demands and passes them on to me‚ whom he also doesn't respect.)#anyway. have fully talked myself into a terrible mood now‚ time to stop tag spiraling.#journaling#mundanities#domesticities#…actually i lied‚ what REALLY gets my goat here is that my dad will almost CERTAINLY not acknowledge that anything abt this is an issue#because he just has basically no bandwidth ever and just wants to pretend everything is fine so he doesn't have to Do Feelings#and it becomes this really shitty really gendered thing where like. i get painted as the Crazy Woman Making an Unjustifiable Fuss#even though there are multiple aspects of this situation that it's in fact extremely reasonable for me to be unhappy with!#and it's just like. no fucking wonder i can't deal with anything‚ i can't even evaluate a situation without having my reaction invalidated#ok now that really IS all. grateful for yr patience in a Trying Time if you even got this far‚ lol.
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