#i keep getting sidetracked and starting other projects which is. bad

[marshmellowtea]

SOOOO I actually have written a lot of fics on ao3 for whos Lila, and I LOVEEEEE the idea of an agere au for William.. admittedly I’ve never written one, but I think it would fit him really well. I’ve actually written several fics where Detective Yu is a father figure of sorts for William.. do you think he would be a good caretaker? If you want to discuss this at all, I would LOVE to, and I think it’s a great idea for an au. I also loved hearing your ideas about it!!!

!!! i've actually been going through the who's lila ao3 page lately, there's a lot of good stuff on there, haha, i appreciate you for carrying the fandom :)

i think yu would be a GREAT caretaker, honestly, i've definitely had that thought before! he's not in the au i mentioned before mainly because it's a non-supernatural/no lila au (well at least. he's not there yet. i've been entertaining ways to get him in there even if he doesn't end up being a main character because yu's awesome and we always need more of him aklsdgjkd) but man......now i'm toying with a different au of him taking will in at some point, discovering the fact will regresses to cope and takes to looking after that side of him so easily too......i feel like it's what they both deserve 🥺

sorry i took a bit to answer this ask, i'm not the fastest at responses at the best of times and things have been a bit hectic since i'm moving, but i'd absolutely love to talk more about it if you want! agere is kind of my forte and this game has been eating my brain lately so i just. i have so many thoughts up here hglkasjdf. also, thank you!! i'm glad you enjoyed my ramblings haha

.....also, as a bonus, i was rewatching manly's playthrough while answering this ask, and man, i forgot about this bit of dialogue 😭 yu, adopt will and take care of him PLEASE

[thinkoutsidethefox]

So I had some mixed feelings in a phone call with my dad last night. I found out he is in the same state as me for work so I called him to make some plans for him on his least busy day. But I got to talking with him and it was like -- you know when you talk to your best friend and then everything is going great? And then they bring up their other friend who used to be your best friend but now you are little more than people who know each other? Yeah. So my dad started talking about my mom. Saying she is off doing this and that. And I thought that was funny because as her daughter, she never has time for me. I message her and I get an "Okay" or "Nice" or sometimes I just get 👍. And I am reaching out to her to talk with her. At first it was like tv shows, movies, games, any common subject we usually share. Radio Silence. Then I would tell her about things that excite me or things that bring me dopamine or events I'm attending. Radio Silence. Last week I messaged her about my quilt I'm making and how I wanted some old clothes(fabrics) from her and my dad so I can include them in my blanket. All I got was a "Can do." Not once did she take interest in the fact I am learning a new art because until now I've never sewn before only cross stitched. Didn't ask me anything at all. BUT-- She will go out of her way to tell me when a cat on her property that I have never met before has run away, gone missing or has passed away. IN FULL FUCKING DETAIL! Like I'm not a grim person, I know things die but that doesn't mean I wanna talk about it ALL THE TIME! But it is the ONLY thing she reaches out to me about. Now if it wasn't clear before I am ADHD, I would like to say I'm pretty manageable. I do tend to forget to message people sometimes and I don't tend to start a conversation with a "Hello. How are you?" because I don't really do the chit chat. I WILL message you if I find something funny and think "Man you know who would like this? Blah blah blah." So I send you this message. Maybe give you a good laugh right? Anyway, I have sidetracked a little for backstory purposes. My dad starts making excuses as to why my mom doesn't message me back. "You know it is pretty hard to set a craft project down to text people sometimes? I barely get answers back."(I craft and I still answer people) or "She has her cats to take care of and that is ALOT of work."(I know I used to run her 'sanctuary' before it became a hording problem.) Or "Sometimes she just doesn't feel like talking to people." (I know I go nonverbal alot!) Just excuse after excuse and I finally cut him off. And I was like: "Look. I get it she is a busy person. But I AM HER DAUGHTER. She doesn't take my calls. I'm not just talking about right this second. I'm talking about EVER WHEN I CALL HER! She doesn't have a conversation with me -- AGAIN -- Not right this moment but EVER WHEN I MESSAGE HER! You can keep up this delusion you got going if that makes you happy... But I will not. I have friends and family who call and answer me when it is bad timing for them BUT THEY STILL PICK UP THE GOD-DAMN PHONE! Hell, my godmother answered her phone and FELL OFF A LADDER on the phone with me once. And she didn't rush me off the phone. Didn't blame me for the accident. EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING KEEPING THEM BUSY. Which is fine. But I refuse to sit here and think she is busy ALL THE DAMN TIME. I won't allow it. So she can talk to me when it is able to be marked in her very busy schedule. I'm done. I don't want to waste my time anymore." He was very quiet after this. But I think I am being more than fair. She has treated me like I was the thorn in her side for YEARS. Like literally since I was 13-14... I am 28 years old now. Either step up and be my mother or don't. But at the end of the day, blood or not, I will cut ties to keep my own sanity and I will mourn that loss as just that: A loss. I will pick myself up and I will move on. I deserve a parent who is there for me. You don't have to be there 24/7.. But right now she isn't even there on weekends and holidays. I deserve better.

[wtl-archive]

What happened between the creators of this AU? Was there drama and/or toxicity that broke down friendships?

Short answer:

Some Grade-A bullshit, and yes.

Long answer:

What happened was a million little things that escalated into not-so-little things, that escalated into very big things, that escalated into the complete destruction of my psyche and by extension this project. There's no single thing that tore it all apart, which is why it's so frustrating to talk about, even more so hearing other people get it all wrong.

I would be lying if I said if I wasn't partially responsible for what's happened, and I'm not going to lie to you. I've done more than enough of that.

I fucked up. I was an idiot. I did stupid and bad things I shouldn't have. If I had the power to go back in time, I would've done things differently.

I'm not exactly sure when things started to fall apart. It was like I was the frog in the pot being slowly boiled alive, not realizing how much danger I was in and how stupid I was being until it was too late.

Working on this AU, as much as I loved it and still love it, it drove me crazy. I mean, my mental health wasn't exactly the best going into it, but I've never felt so empty and angry like I did then, and yet it was the only thing keeping me going. I felt terrible when I wasn't working on it but when I was, I was stressed and frustrated. It was just this endless insanity spiral.

*sigh* I'm getting ahead of myself.

The people who worked on this AU are not bad people. I think it's important I preface with that. Some of them are far too gullible for their own good, but being stupid doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that nothing has taught you to be cautious yet. I don't have the highest opinions of some of them, but at the end of the day they're just that; opinions. There are no bad people, just hurt people that have far more reach and the potential to cause far more damage than they realize, just naïve people who have the misfortune of being an easy target and being naturally louder than everyone else, just broken people that need more than a few kind words to fix them, just misguided people that don't have enough experience points invested in their Wisdom stat to tell them when they're being played, just people that have good intentions and no idea how to use them, just people that are fundamentally incompatible.

For all of my frustrations, and as much as I'd like to, I can't bring myself to properly hate some of these people. Even when I've tried talking about this with folks who've got no context for any of it, I feel like I'm constantly trying to defend them despite how much the things they've done piss me off.

My only desire is that this story be told correctly. I hope you can understand how incredibly fucking obnoxious it is to see the people with the biggest microphones and the least amount of context spewing utter nonsense out of their mouths will full confidence despite having no goddamn idea what they're talking about.

Anyway... at the core of this, yes, it was broken friendships that forced the AU to be discontinued. I really don't want to use the term "toxic" though. I've noticed this trend of over-the-counter therapy buzzwords being tossed around in online spaces (Tumblr, Twitter and TikTok being by far the worst offenders) when they don't feel very applicable once you think about it for more than like 15 minutes. I've caught myself doing it more often too, now that this site and the people on it have sufficiently rotted my brain, but I'm trying to be better about it.

I keep getting sidetracked, but - while "Yeah, we stopped being friends so we stopped doing the AU too," isn't an incorrect assessment of the situation, I think it massively over simplifies what happened and understates how much it destroyed my sanity, which I might be okay with if it was just left at that and not turned into a slander campaign. Not to mention, it makes it really fucking easy for everyone else to completely ignore and lie about my side of the story, as if being the foreigner and the newbie didn't make that easy enough already.

Just about everything I could say "Yes" to has some sort of asterisk behind it. Context is king and summaries take away the context.

Yes, some of my so called friends tried to help me (not like I had much of choice in saying no despite my best efforts), except when I finally let my walls down a little and decided to trust someone, it blew up in my face! You know how much it sucks to tell someone "I really would rather not talk about this because the things I have to say are really fucked up, and you're not gonna wanna hear it despite how much you're begging for it," several fucking times, and when they insist over and over that they can handle it and it'll be okay Nugget, you can trust me, I won't tell anyone only for it to be painfully obvious that they can't handle it and you can't trust them once you finally cave in and start talking? You know how much it sucks to be poked at over and over and over again, and when you've had enough and finally snap people just think you're crazy? You know how much it sucks to be told to just talk it out over and over again despite it doing absolutely nothing and it all being a big waste of time? To be told that your words mean nothing and no matter how much you try all you ever do is fuck up and make things worse? Yeah, some help that was.

Yes, I posted DMs, only after I realized people were sharing mine, and only after I got banned from my own Discord server for shit that wasn't even true, and only after I found out that there was an entire sperate server made just to talk shit about me behind my back, and only after I got blacklisted on Tumblr by my mutuals because people were telling them a bunch of fucking lies, and only after my sister of all people got a message accusing me of plotting a murder, and only after my ex got recruited to participate in this pile of shit being thrown my way (God, what a terrible, disrespectful judgment of his character... he's my ex, not my nemesis, we're still friends and he loves and cares about me a lot, I cannot overstate how much that pissed me off), and only after I got accused of drawing sexual harassment of characters that weren't mine in a callout post filled to the brim with bullshit (totally untrue btw... still baffled as to where this claim came from), and only after every other possible avenue of defending myself and saying "Hey, actually that's bullshit and you know it," was taken away from me.

Yes, I have a venting side blog, WHICH THESE PEOPLE WERE BLOCKED FROM, and that has probably the worlds biggest disclaimer as a pinned post explaining the purpose of the blog, something that repeatedly gets swept under the rug every time it gets mentioned. I'm supposed to feel sorry because a bunch of people are nosey and like to jump to conclusions?? Give me a fucking break. I blocked about half a dozen people from my side blog a few months after I made it specifically because I knew exactly what kind of reaction it would garner if they new it existed. They can't handle me being a little upset on Discord, of course I knew that blog would make them lose their fucking minds! I mean this is the same group of people that struggle to say the word 'pregnant', my expectations weren't exactly the highest, that's why they were blocked! And as usual, my paranoia was completely correct! They found out about it and look what happened! Maybe if my fears weren't confirmed at every possible turn I wouldn't feel the need to be so reactive.

Yes, I keep chat logs, no, that is not what stalking means despite everyone's insistence on using that word. Information visible on your public internet profile is not stalking either. Neither is using Google Analytics, something available to literally every tumblr user for free on any of their blogs and something that is used by advertisers to be much nosier than I would ever need to be. I only started keeping chat logs because I had my suspicions that something funky was going on I wanted to keep receipts (and I'm a natural hoarder anyway... I don't like to delete stuff if I don't have to). I understand that it's a weird thing to do, but it's not fucking illegal to keep an offline copy of something you would have access to with an internet connection. This is a feature partially built into Discord, by the way (Though it's definitely easier and more inclusive with a third party application). In fact, most chat services will allow you to download a copy of your messages. If not the entire conversation, then at least the message you sent. Wild to me that people are totally unaware of how mush shit online gets tracked and recorded in some way shape or form, it's like the concept of a digital footprint does not exist in their minds at all.

Yes, I was not the best at managing this project and I've never denied this. I've apologized for it several times, and I tried my best to do better. I've apologized for things that weren't even my fault. I've said sorry so many times it doesn't even feel like a real word anymore. I do not have a time machine to fix every mistake I've made, so unless someone wants to give me a schematic for one, I kindly ask that you shut the fuck up. I beat myself up enough every time something goes wrong, I don't need everyone else to constantly tell me how shitty I am too.

I tried so hard to do a good job running this project despite it growing to be way bigger than I ever expected or intended it to be. I tried to take everyone's input into consideration, I tried to please as many people as I could.

You want more than just a cameo? Sure, you can make your own timeline, that sounds like fun. (x2)

You hate Connie and anything to do with her character? Sounds like you just wanna fuck Steven and you're jealous, especially considering the other people in this fandom you like to hang out with, but okay, I'll do my best to keep Connie x Steven out of as many channels as I can.

You say these two clowns are mean to you in your DMs and want me to fix it for you? Seems like personal beef you should be dealing with yourself, but since they're causing some problems in my server too let's try to talk to them and make it seem like I'm the one who's upset with them so you don't have to be the bad guy or have any sort of backbone (you can guess how well that went).

You're worried these side blogs have too many spoilers even if they're hidden? You think these posts shouldn't be on the main blog anymore? A completely valid concern, I'll delete them.

You think it's annoying to hear people talk about FNAF when you don't know about it (even though I've heard people talk about Deltarune for weeks despite not giving a singular shit about anything Undertale related)? Okay, I'll make some new channels just for you.

You say I don't give you enough credit for your work? Okay, that's fair, here's a special Discord role so people know that you've worked really hard and announcement to make it clear that's what it's for.

You don't think you're getting enough appreciation for working on these characters? Okay, you've done a lot for them, you can have them. I'll make sure everyone knows that you've done a lot of work on them, you can even review what I'm going to say about it before I make it public.

You don't wanna tell these other people working on the AU that they hurt your feelings 'cause you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself? Fine, I'll go ask them to apologize to you even though I don't really think they did anything wrong and were totally justified in being pissed at you.

You wanna spend an hour telling me how much of a piece of shit you think I am and how much I suck? Sure! Go right on ahead! I'll let you rant to your heart's content and I won't say a word.

You think I'm so terrible at running this project, you think I'm such horrible person, okay, fine! It's your problem now, you can have it! Have fun without me or any of my contributions!

Everyone kept pushing and pushing, kept testing me despite how much I warned them to stop, and when I can't take it any more and I'm absolutely sick of it and bite back, then they want to hide. Only then do they want it to stop, only then do they want to let go, sweep it under the rug, leave it all in the past. Only once they've got exactly what they fucking asked for do they realize the mistake they made. "Hey everybody, let's poke the bear and then act like it's crazy for growling at us!"

So. Yeah. You could say there was some drama. And of course, now everyone likes to pretend it wasn't a big deal and wants to move on. Which, I guess for them, it wasn't a big fucking deal. This changes nothing for any of them! They can fuck up and destroy as much as they like and they never have to worry about a thing, 'cause everyone is still gonna love them no matter what and believe everything they say as long as they keep up the soft and innocent cry baby routine. Wonderful. I'm sooo happy for them.

Look, I'm not gonna pretend I'm the nicest person out there or that I'm perfectly innocent and I've never done anything wrong. I hurt people and I didn't run the project as well as I should have. But if you're going to tell this story, then for the love of fucking God, tell all of it. The idea that I was the only one fucking up is just wrong. The way people recite it makes it sound like I was a tyrannical, psychotic murderer the entire time for shits and giggles. Like I just enjoyed feeling like absolute shit and being slowly convinced over the course of a year that I'm horrible person and no amount of trying to be better is going to fix it, that do matter what I do I'll always be scary and a villain in their eyes, so why should I bother doing anything good? As if people fall apart and lose their minds for no reason besides they just want to, I guess. Yeah, that was so fun for me.

Though, to be fair, when I'm angry, I get very short-sighted and petty (which is why I try so hard not to be angry). That's what the venting blog is for. Things can get vitriolic on my venting blog... its my little corner of the internet where I can release some frustration in a place where people who know me irl wont be able to easily find it and in a way where I don't have to worry about offending somebody or being too dark or fucked up. Which is why it's a vent blog in the first place... one that I went through the effort of blocking people from and was intentionally very vague on... one that had basically zero interaction until after other people made a big fuss about it... and tbh, I'm not gonna try to explain away what's on it. My brain is fucked up sometimes and I'm not gonna lie about it. But I think it's a little unfair to judge someone's entire character off of how they are in their lowest, darkest moments. I happen to be willing to share a few of mine on that blog, and I don't think that's worth being lied about over.

//Tangent:

The concept of a venting blog is not some revolutionary new idea btw, I feel like it should be stated. If you've never explored Tumblr outside of the confines of whatever safe space you've made for yourself on your dash then maybe this idea might seem new to you, but there's thousands of venting and mental health blogs out there in a similar vein to my own. It's the reason I realized I could even make a blog like that — I went down the rabbit hole one incredibly depressed night and learned that, hey, there's other people on this site going through shit too, and they're willing to say the things I was far too scared to admit to myself. (At least, I was too scared at first. Now not so much.)

//End Tangent

If you wanna judge me then okay, but at the very least I think it'd be smart to look into things yourself instead of blindly believing what people tell you without question. You've got all the resources to come to your own conclusions. Walk the Line's Discord server and the Chaos Pit Discord server are archived and all their channels made public, along with all of these chat logs, this massive doc about two specific AU creators (that actually wasn't made by me if the typing style didn't make that obvious) and the old blog's archive.

Have fun diving further down this rabbit hole if you're really that curious, but I'm exhausted. Maybe you can do me a favor and make sure that people are spreading this part of the story so they have all of it.

[ct-multifandom]

1, 2 3 and 12: Alix, Alya and Marc in a group project, Marc and Alya hanging out, Alya with the dog, and why doesn't Gabriel like Alix hanging around Adrien?

1: that group project is getting DONE. There may be brief moments when they get a little sidetracked and start enthusiastically talking about other stuff, but they quickly catch themselves and kept working. This thing will be thoroughly research, well written, and they’ll have it all wrapped up way before it’s due. They’ll spend the rest of the time decorating their presentation slides with a colorful theme and those cute little Canva cliparts. There will be transition animations. I think Alya would take a leadership role, Alix would do the most research, and Marc would put everything together.

2: they are certified nerds. They would definitely talk about superheroes, recommend each other books, and watch cartoons they both like. I think they’d like some of the same music, too, like somewhat popular rock and alternative music. They beta read each other’s stories. They bounce ideas off of each other through text when they write, know spoilers and lore about each other’s stories that no one else does, and act like they’re in a fandom for their characters but it’s just the two of them. When one of them posts a story on the internet the other leaves an overly exaggerated supportive comment.

3: ooh okay. I never thought about this one before. Alya is always loyal to Maribug, and loves her friends and Nino. She’d use Fetch in a tricky way, probably similarly to how Felix used it in Strike Back where she’d try to sneakily touch something with the ball without someone noticing and then retrieve it later. I don’t think this would be in any of my top choices for Alya, though, because I don’t think it highlights her strengths very well. A good dog holder would be someone more hands-on and physical, but Alya is good at planning, helping behind the scenes, and pulling intricate tricks that rely more on mind games, which can be done with the dog, but she could probably accomplish the same goals and more with a different miraculous.

As for design, I’d give her a black, wide brimmed hat with tall dog ears and short, fluffy dark brown hair underneath. For the suit I’d make it look like she’s wearing a velvety orange trench coat over super-suit-textured black. I’d add some white details like a trim on the coat and white on her palms and soles. Her shoes would have dog prints on the bottom, and she’d keep the ball on the brim of her hat.

4: why even bother asking? First of all, her hair is dyed a crazy color, obviously. She better not give you any ideas, Adrien. Second of all, she apparently likes “street art” which means she spray paints on walls? That’s clearly just a cute way of saying she commits vandalism. And she’s so casually open about it, like she’s proud of herself, no shame at all. Third of all, her attitude is nasty, and her entire sense of humor revolves around making fun of people. Why would you surround yourself by someone like that? I overheard her calling me a total killjoy and saying I look like a jumbo candy cane, Adrien. Imagine what she must be saying about you behind your back. Trust me, she’s bad news.

[masterjedilenawrites]

Do you have any headcanons for the Bad Batch when they were cadets? How they were treated by other clones, or by the Kaminoans? What each of the four boys were like when they were cadets? Thank you!

I actually do have some headcanons on this topic because I may or may not think about the Bad Batch constantly I think about them a normal, healthy amount and okay, here we go...

Hunter:

Fit in socially more than the others. Didn't grow out his hair or get tattoos until after he deployed, and his abilities weren't as obvious, so he more-or-less was able to blend in with the regs. Never really got bullied or bothered.

Struggled with his mutations the most. No one knew for a while if he was going to cut it. Overstimulation, head-splitting migraines, the whole bit.

But he had exceptional combat skills, great leadership potential, and an unwavering can-do attitude. So as a way to save him from decommission, the Kaminoans isolated him for a while to help him manage his senses and cope with the side effects.

Connected with Crosshair first. Cross would keep an eye on the team when he was away or in more specialized training. And he always seemed to know what Hunter was thinking without him having to say. They formed a silent but strong bond.

Wrecker and Tech were more like younger brothers he had to manage. Obviously Crosshair would still get in on the drama too, but Hunter had to really stay on top of Wrecker's restlessness and Tech getting sidetracked.

Interacted with a lot of the other Commanders and Sergeants and hung out with them in his free time just a little more than the Batch. It just felt easier to let loose with other leaders.

Generally a good cadet, but often questioned things or tried to think outside the box/protocols. Had to find balance between being what others expected and listening to his inner rebel.

Wrecker:

Some regs gave him a wide birth, while others would pick fights with him just to test their own strength. This actually made Wrecker kinda depressed as a cadet; he's a friendly guy, but no one wanted to be his friend. It hurt.

Channeled his anger into his training, which he already did a lot of just because he had more energy than anyone knew what to do with. The Kaminoans had to up their production of dummy droids just for him.

Instant favorite of the Kaminoans, his mutations were obviously useful. But with all the dummies and all the food the guy ate...they often had to run a cost-benefit analysis to make sure the resources spent were worth it.

Struggled with the academic stuff, until Hunter discovered he could learn better if the material was more hands-on and interactive.

Took to all the Batchers right away. They were his only social outlet. Hunter helped him work through his depression and find his confidence again. Tech always came up with cool ideas he could try with his strength. And Crosshair was the only one who understood his love of weapons and explosives.

So he became their defender against the other cadets. Any teasing or bullying was immediately turned into a fight if Wrecker heard about it. Wasn't subtle so he often got in trouble.

Initiated a lot of pranks and shenanigans out of boredom. Was the one who came up with all the skull imagery on their armor. Preferred the group training exercises over the solo ones.

Crosshair

Definitely got bullied by the regs, stood out like a sore thumb. He was too tall and too skinny and his hair too grey... Got called a lot of names and pushed around in the halls, sometimes tricked and sabotaged too.

But he also egged them on. Liked to poke and prod and get reactions out of people. Because if he could get them to snap first, then he didn't feel as much like the victim.

Didn't interact much with the Kaminoans, was pretty self-sufficient with his training. He liked to push himself and test his limits on his own.

Wasn't close with the other Batchers for a while, just observed them at first, figured out what they were about before letting them in. Even though they were odd balls like him, he still struggled getting over his trust issues.

He and Hunter developed their own understanding between each other, but he was secretly partial to Tech. He felt the need to keep an eye on him more than the others. The nerd was just so oblivious sometimes, it was frustrating but it brought out his protective side.

He and Wrecker developed more of a sibling rivalry relationship. Crosshair hated how loud and messy the big guy was, and Wrecker was never patient with his calmer approach. They started their kill count competition almost right away.

Was good at following instructions and directive. Did his assignments on time and only occasionally questioned or challenged things. Did not enjoy his cadet experience though and desperately looked forward to leaving Kamino.

Tech:

Also frequently bullied and teased, but he didn't engage as much as the other Batchers. Mostly because he didn't really notice or understand what was happening, too lost in his own thoughts to realize he was the butt of the joke.

But he wasn't completely clueless, and when he was aware he was getting picked on, he just internalized it. Some of those words still sit heavy in his heart to this day.

The Kaminoans were also uncertain what to do with Tech, they weren't sure if it was a good thing they'd created someone so freaking smart. What if he questioned things too much?

Was for sure the student that was too smart to pay attention in class and ended up getting in trouble as a result. It took Hunter interfering before he was given more challenging assignments, and eventually allowed to just self-teach.

Didn't exactly bond with any of the others, but ended up spending more time with Crosshair. He was the only one patient enough to listen to his idle ramblings, or would sit with him while they quietly worked on their own assignments.

But he did take an interest in the rest of the group's mutations and worked on special projects to help each of them cope effectively and capitalize on their abilities.

A mentally restless cadet, often stayed up late on research binges or obsessed over a part of his training until it was perfected. Felt disconnected and misunderstood, he never had a true outlet to express all the ideas and knowledge he had.

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Tommy and the role of ‘hero’

Hey, this little essay is discussing how Tommy’s character has struggled with being called a hero and hows it’s been a significant part of his character arc for Season 2 of the SMP. It’s not a title he ever gave himself yet it’s a title he’s burdened with all the same. 

Funnily enough, I don’t recall Tommy ever being called a hero before Technoblade’s damning speech on Nov 16th, where he compared Tommy to Theseus. 

Tommy you just did a coup. You just did a hostile Government takeover and then immediately instilled yourself as President. And then you gave it to your friend but that’s still a tyrant Tommy.

But the thing about this world Tommy, is that good things don’t happen to heroes. Let me tell you a story Tommy, a story of a man called Theseus. His country, well his City-State technically, was in danger and he sent himself forward into enemy lines. He slayed the Minotaur and saved his city. You know what they did to him Tommy? (”What did they do?”) They exiled him. He died in disgrace, despised by his people. That’s what happens to heroes Tommy. The Greeks knew the score. But if you want to be a hero Tommy, that’s fine. 

Do you want to be a hero, Tommy? Then die like one!

Technoblade’s speech is a frustrating one at first. It begins by essentially calling Tommy a power hungry tyrant despite that being far from the truth - Wilbur was the one who formed the Government and Tommy rejected power. He trusted it to Wilbur who then chose Tubbo. Schlatt wasn’t even killed by Tommy, he died of a heart attack after being abandoned by every one of his allies so it wasn’t even really much of a takeover at all and it wasn’t Tommy. Yet this speech was entirely directed at Tommy.

But the latter half is different, accusing Tommy instead of trying to be a hero who thinks he’s saving the world and that he’s doomed to have a bad end. It’s interesting as never has Tommy claimed to be much of a hero. Tommy’s always just fought for the things he cared about. Indeed his response to Techno’s speech suggests the same.

“I’m not the hero. No one’s the hero! We’ve got L’Manburg for each other.”

But of course, Techno’s words stick with him all the same. Particularly the bit about a tragic end as Tommy becomes very, very aware of his own mortality in the arcs that follow. To Techno, a hero seems to be a naive figure who tries to do good but is destined for failure and tragedy. 

But there’s another path Tommy fears even more. One that he’s witnessed firsthand. Becoming the villain.

Let’s be the bad guys. Tommy, why not? Our nation’s gone. our nation’s far behind us, Tommy. Let’s blow that motherf*cker to smithereens. Tommy, I say if we can’t have Manburg, no one - no one can have Manburg! ...L’Manburg.

This is a new era! We burn the place to the f*ckin ground, I want no crops to grow there ever again.  I want f*ckin mycelium and cobblestone, it all covered, Tommy. I want it all gone! 

Tommy, let’s be villains.

Wilbur was Tommy’s hero. He loved Wilbur dearly and wanted nothing more than to be a good right-hand to him and make him proud. But when they lost L’Manburg and were banished, Tommy saw Wilbur changing, saw him giving up home and deciding he’d rather destroy the thing they’d worked for and blow it all up. After Wilbur made this speech, Tommy argued, making it clear he was entirely against his plans. Even saying that it wasn’t the moral thing to do. He said not to give up hope, that everyone wasn’t against them and that Wilbur’s ideas were reckless. But he stayed with Wilbur and continued to support him, hoping that he could convince him to change his mind. Tommy failed. And Wilbur died.

So, the Tommy at the start of S2 just wants to go back to his old life, a simpler time where he doesn’t have to worry about L’Manburg anymore as it’s in safe hands and he can focus on his personal concerns once more - like his music discs. He doesn’t want to be a hero or a villain, he merely wants to be happy again in a world without Wilbur. 

But there’s someone else watching him. Dream. 

I think it’s no coincidence that Dream wanted Tommy exiled by his own people. I think he was deliberately trying to make Techno’s speech into a reality. Dream had become rather obsessed with Tommy and treated all their interactions like a fun game where he played the villain and Tommy, the hero. It’s not a narrative Tommy himself liked but all he could do was play along. 

Dream had him exiled and this seriously pushed Tommy to his limits. On the first day, Techno briefly visited and asked him why he was still trying and he answered that he always gets back up and he would keep on fighting Dream. But as his exile progressed he slowly lost his will to fight. Slowly Tommy stopped believing that his exile would ever come to an end and that people still cared. 

In exile Tommy had a lot of time for reflection. Here’s something Tommy says days into his exile when he’s begun to lose all hope and is starting to accept that maybe Dream’s his only friend. 

Everyone always tells me I was the- the hero of this server. The one that came and f*ckin fought Dream - the only one that ever spoke back to him. But maybe I was just... maybe this was just meant to be. 

Tommy’s got complicated feelings about being a hero. To him it means standing up to Dream, never giving up - that’s what he believed people expected of him. But in his exile, he began to give in to Dream. He begins to express how no one cares and that the only reason they ever pretended to care was when he had status - when he was part of L’Manburg. There’s this implication that he felt like people only cared about him when he was being the selfless hero. When he was trying to be selfish for once, causing trouble like he used to and wanting to focus on his personal disc war rather than on L’Manburg, he got exiled. (Of course, this is Tommy’s biased perspective not how others actually viewed him.)

Tommy eventually escaped his exile, finding renewed courage to fight against Dream. Except, he’s still scared and uncertain and feels confused about Dream. He feels lost and clings onto Technoblade for support. 

With Technoblade, Tommy starts to feel more like himself - but Techno also influences Tommy, turning him more against his friends. (I think Techno’s character genuinely thought they didn’t truly care about Tommy, likely not realising how much they had also been manipulated by Dream.) Technoblade gently encourages Tommy to be more violent and wants him to help blow up L’Manburg. 

This is where Tommy’s fear about becoming more like Wilbur come into play. Tommy did not want to become a bad guy - he’d had nightmares about it even. But in his time with Technoblade, after how helpless he’d been during his exile, being given some power lead Tommy to start lashing out more violently, he began to get more aggressive - alarmingly so even. Technoblade’s path was one of revenge, dealing with his own pain by causing others to suffer (for noble goals, fighting corruption etc I don’t want to get sidetracked though this is about Tommy). Technoblade’s presence was helpful to Tommy, helping him to get over much of his fear but he still lacked in agency and still felt lonely knowing he hadn’t made up with his friends.

Tommy finally came to his senses at the festival, where he realised he was fighting his best friend and putting his personal attachments - his discs - over Tubbo. And that was wrong. He realised he was becoming just the sort of person he didn’t want to be - he had been on the path to becoming like Wilbur. And he rejected that path. He wasn’t going to be a bad guy. Just because he was hurt didn’t justify hurting others. So he reconciled and once more committed to protecting L’Manburg, having put his personal desires aside. It seemed like he’d put himself into the role of selfless hero yet again.

And he failed. Again. 

Dream tells him how it was a fun game to him. And how their story was not over. Tommy though, had become extremely tired of it. He didn’t want to play Dream’s game. 

They meet up again. And again, Dream talks to Tommy like he’s important - like he’s the key to everything. He wants Tommy to play the role of hero and has been manipulating events for a long time to keep pushing him, to keep taking things from him. Being a hero, which Dream believes Tommy wants, simply means playing along with Dream’s narrative.

Tommy, you want to be a hero, right? You want to be the hero of the server. And every hero needs an origin story, right? Batman had his parents, Spiderman had uncle Ben, you have Tubbo, right? 

In the end, Tommy refuses to play Dream’s game anymore though. He called for help and got saved by everyone else. Then he killed Dream twice and had him locked away for good.

And once more, Tommy decided to do things for himself again. He decided to live peacefully, working on a project, talking to various people on the server and trying to avoid making waves and getting into any more conflict. It’s a good end.

He rejected Wilbur’s path and he defied Technoblade’s predictions and he didn’t lose his best friend to Dream. And now Tommy’s trying to avoid playing the role of hero anymore. It’s not a title he ever gave himself but one thrust upon him. Yet it’s one he’s keenly aware of. And one that, despite everything, he can fulfil.

Tommy’s arc has been in some respects about defying the expectations of others - but he also can’t help but fight for the things he loves. He realises his troubles were not that his friends didn’t care or that he had to play a role but that his life was being controlled by Dream and now he’s free of that. No longer is he so weighed down by expectations but when there is a sufficiently threatening enemy, he has not lost his determination to challenge it. 

[annab-nana]

My Dork - Colby Brock

Sam and Colby invite you and Jake to explore a recently abandoned hospital with them and things don’t go according to plan.

@traphousedaily’s favorite xplr video project with: @lonely-xplr, @sarcasmhadachild, @gothtara, @reddesertcolbs, @reinad-snc, @cartiercolby, @colbylover99, @xplrtrash, @goddess-of-time-and-magic, @xolbyz, @myguiltypleasures21

A/N: I didn’t have a lot of time to edit this one, so sorry for any errors there might be :)

Warnings: some curse words

Word Count: 1.8k+

--------------------------------------------------

“This is the Saint Luke’s Medical Hospital,” Sam announced as he zoomed in on the large building ahead of you four. You were slightly freaked out by the number of signs telling you that there was a guard dog around that you should beware of, but the boys did not seem to care that much.

“Look, there’s a big fat boob on the top,” Jake whispered to the camera as he pointed to the brown dome shape that sat at the top of the building that also had a small cone on top of that, resulting in a breast shape.

“There’s a big fat boob right here,” Colby giggled as he pointed to your chest. Your eyes widened and you stifled a laugh. You two made those kinds of jokes all the time, but he has never done it on camera.

“Colby!” you shouted before chuckling at the joke. The other two boys laughed as well before continuing to walk forward.

“You’re supposed to honk ‘em, right?” Jake asked as he made grabby hands, still going along with the boob joke. He then made a car honking noise with his mouth, causing you three to burst out in laughter.

“Yes, Jake. Go do that. Your goal today is to get to the top and honk that boobie,” Sam influence his friend before Jake ran ahead and he made grabby hands towards the building.

“How do we explain that to security if we get caught? Like what were you doing in here? We’re trying to honk boobies,” Colby joked as you rolled your eyes, realizing you were stuck to explore this hospital with three immature idiots. A noise caught you all off guard and you looked to Colby as he looked off at the building.

“That’s the dog,” Sam mumbled, looking in the same direction as Colby. You walked forward with the group to see the dog that sat behind the glass-paneled door. The dog barked with each step you guys got closer. You, Jake, and Sam backed away, but Colby’s dog-loving heart got closer to talk to it.

“We’re gonna come explore this hospital, okay? And we’re just going to look around for a second, alright? And then, we’re gonna leave, okay?” he told the pup in his talking to animals voice.

“Wait, dude, if there’s a dog right there, that means there’s a person right next to it,” Sam warned.

“There’s just a guy just listening to me say ‘We’re just going to explore this hospital’,” Colby laughed at the thought as he walked away from the dog. You all went around the building to find the door that y’all saw earlier when checking the perimeter of the place. There was a door that was wide open, so you all figured that would be the best way to enter. Once you guys arrived at the door, Colby peeked his head in and began making kissy noises.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked his best friend.

“I’m just making sure the dog knows that we’re coming in,” he spoke with a giggle. “Dude, wait. This is the part where we decide right now, do we wanna get bit by a dog or do we wanna be safe?”

“Did you bring the meat?” Sam asked Jake and Colby before the two pointed at each other.

“Colby’s got a fat ass. Bro, that dog has food for days. Ain’t that right, y/n?” Jake asked you as you nodded your head confidently.

“Why do I always have to go first?” Colby whined before grabbing the camera from Sam and walking forward. When he walked in the door, you all heard a click. You all walked away from the door to discuss the noise before deciding to go back.

“Dude, the click was because this door is automatic,” you told them when Sam went in and waved his hand near the door.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Sam said as he popped back out. “But it smells really bad. We should put on our masks in here.”

Colby handed you and Jake each a mask from Sam’s backpack before you put on the infamous black mask. Now, it was finally time to go in. Sam led the pack as he filmed, you and Colby followed with joined hands, and Jake was the caboose as he looked around at everything.

“You look adorable in your mask,” Colby bent down to whisper.

“You can only see my eyes, you asshole,” you giggled.

“Yeah, but I love your eyes.” You batted your eyelashes at the compliment before maintaining your focus ahead of you once more. Y’all made it to some stairs and made sure to take light and slow steps to lessen the risk of noise so the dog won’t find you. Once up the stairs, you went through a door that was already cracked open.

As you walked down the hallway with the guys, you realized how cool it was that you were doing. You had explored plenty of abandoned places with Colby, but they were all run down and broken and dirty. This place, however, still had running lights and literally felt like you were in a running hospital that had zero people in it.

You guys roamed the halls slowly as you tried to stay quiet. Eventually, you reached what looked like the hall where the patients lived. Everything was dead silent before Jake dropped something and it landed with a loud thud that bounced off the walls for anyone in the building to hear.

“Jake!” you whisper shouted.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, and you all moved to leave the room, not before he ran into something else and caused a ruckus. He muttered another apology and y’all left the room.

“Listen, we’re gonna fucking die. We’re gonna fucking die if y’all don’t stop making fucking noise. Okay?” Colby whispered to Sam who was filming him. You let out a small giggle before Jake spoke.

“It was my fault. I’m sorry.” Moments later, he made yet another noise while shutting a door behind him. Sam and Jake split off one way down the hall while you and Colby went the other.

“Yo, look at this,” Colby whispered when he knelt down to grab a sign that was laying on the floor. He turned around before showing it to you. It was a sign that told you which way the surgery recovery unit was and the stroke specialist unit too. “Should I keep this?”

“I don’t see why not.” He did a small happy dance and kissed you on the cheek before walking back to Sam and Jake.

Next, y’all found the best part of the building. It still had chairs and beds and literally looked like an actual hospital. You found the waiting area where the room was lined with red chairs. The next room over had some beds in it, but that was it. The last room in the hall looked the best. It had beds, counters, cabinets, an overhead light that you could move around, but you guys couldn’t stay long because a whistle was heard. So quickly, you four took a thumbnail picture before trying to leave. Of course, the boys got sidetracked when they saw a microphone that was linked to a speaker system.

“Sir, your penis appointment is scheduled,” Jake whispered into the mic before Colby went next.

“Could we have Larry with the case of gonorrhea come to the front office please. Thank you.”

Then, they realized it was time to go. Y’all speed-walked the way you came, but when you guys reached a door, Colby accidentally pushed the handle and an alarm sounded went off.

“Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Shit,” Sam mumbled as speed walking turned into running. You four ran down the stairs and out of the building. Y’all walked slowly for a second to catch your breath and then took off again for the car. You threw open the back door and slipped in, leaving the door open so Jake could get in too. Colby placed the surgery sign next to you and got in the front. Right as Colby drove off, a police car passed by and turned into the hospital.

“That was crazy,” you stated as your breathing finally calmed down.

“I kinda wanna explore more of it next time,” Jake told Sam. You looked at him with wide eyes. The one who caused most of the noise wanted to go back. He may not have tripped the alarm this time, but if there was going to be a next time, he definitely would be the one to do it. “I feel like we should do a part two.”

“I feel like we should do a part two to that,” Sam agreed as he looked to Colby. Jake and Sam kept encouraging the idea before Colby spoke up.

“Yo, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“You don’t think that’s a good idea?” Sam questioned.

“No, we just barely got out of there.” Colby continued.

“And Jake can’t stay quiet to save his life,” you added before Jake gasped.

“Hey!”

“It’s true,” you told him with a smile.

“What if we bring dog treats?” Sam suggested.

“For the police? Because the dog wasn’t coming for us. It was the police,” you said to them.

“Okay, let’s think reasonably here,” Colby told Jake and Sam.

“What if we did? Like what if we got dog treats?” Jake imagined.

“No,” Colby protested.

“Do you think they’re trained not to care about anything?” Sam asked.

“Yes!” Colby said with enthusiasm. You rolled your eyes in the backseat. Sam was supposed to be the smart one, but right now, he wasn’t really showing that. “Okay, you really think a dog is gonna see you and start charging at you and you’re like ‘Hey, here’s a treat. Go get it,’ and it’s just gonna go. Like, come on now.”

“That stuff only happens in cartoons, Sam,” you told the blond.

“Alright, eighty-five thousand likes and we’ll do it,” he said to the camera as he completely ignored what you and Colby had said which you two gave up and nodded along.

Later on when you all came back to the trap house, you and Colby laid in bed to think about what had happened.

“That was crazy,” you started as your head hit his chest.

“I can’t believe they thought we just needed some dog treats, and it would all be better.”

“I can believe that Jake would think that, but I thought Sam was smarter than that.” You both laughed before silence fell over you two.

“But that place was really cool and pretty. Thanks for taking me,” you whispered.

“You’re really cool and pretty,” Colby added in.

“You are such a dork,” you giggled before kissing his lips.

“I’m your dork though.”

“Yes, you are my dork.”

[the-insomniac-emporium]

So, question J. Are you pretty much done writing for re8? I haven’t seen you upload anything for that fandom in awhile. If so, than I would like to formally say thank you, for the quality content you provided for us. Take care now :)

So this has been sitting in my inbox for a while now (don't remember exactly how long), partially because I wasn't sure about my answer, and partially because the way this message ends punched me in the feelings in the best possible way?

I don't even fully know how to explain it, honestly, but this is just really frickin sweet??? I love you for this

anyway, to answer your question: I do intend to go back and finish all of my ongoing RE8 stories (which is a fuck ton). Something I struggle with (as someone with real bad ADHD) is balancing my different interests. That often manifests with me only being able to "keep track" of a couple videogames at a time, even if there are a lot of games I REALLY enjoy within a short period of time. More importantly, my writing tends to follow whatever currently has my interest.

After HFW came out, that became my Major Focus for a bit, then I got sidetracked by other fixations (Arcane, for the most part), as well as the aspects of HFW that I didn't love

Then OOPS I got really into Fallout 76 for about a month or so, and right now I'm clutching Tiny Tina's Wonderlands in a death grip and using boss farming as a mindless activity to distract myself from recent (personal) events :)))

Except I don't, ya know, do any writing related to Wonderlands, and my other current fixation (Arcane, although it is starting to slip away from me, because I have perhaps strangled the life from it) brings with it the biggest fan project I've ever worked on.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say at this point. I guess the main thing is... I don't know when I'll get back to writing RE8 stuff. I also don't know when (read: if) my mental health will start curving back towards the ideal range, especially because so much is shifting in my overall life right now.

Trust me when I say that I REALLY, REALLY want to keep writing stuff, and that I honestly hate my lack of writing activity. I get it, I know why I'm having trouble getting anything done, but it does suck. And, well, there's not much I can do about that right now. Not directly, at least. Gotta help my family, gotta get my head right, gotta keep taking steps to ensure I can support myself.

Lastly, I just want to reiterate the fact that I think this message is a really sweet, respectful way to check in with me about my stories. I've been writing fanfic for around a decade now (not that my first ones were any good, obvs, and this blog hasn't been around for most of that time), and I've gotten tons of comments that are just "write more of this" or "when are you going to update?!?". Those, ya know, don't really motivate me. But this is polite, it expresses gratitude, and I really appreciate that.

TLDR: Yes, I will write more RE8 content. No, I don't know when. Sometimes life is a fist fight in a Denny's parking lot, but at least I've got people who will buy me a snowcone as condolences for when I get my ass kicked :D

Sincerely, -Jordan Van Daalen*

[fandom-hoarder]

listen I have so many questions about Stanford Sam, like this kid who was raised in the wild, barely aware of acceptable social conduct arrives with his 2 ectoplasm stained t-shirts at his dorm and like ????? is he very aware of it at first? or does he think he's hiding it well? and like moving in with Jessica?????? he doesn't know how to water plants and that you have to pay electricity bills ??? Like obviously he's not stupid, we know that!! But there are certain things about ordinary everyday life that are just impossible to pick up when you're raised like that. And this is just surface-level stuff, like I feel overwhelmed just thinking about how many tiny things I do in a day, just normal life stuff that I've always done, that Sam would be like ???? so weirded out by, or maybe creepily fascinated ??? Would he try and copy everyone around him maybe??? and then all the odd things that he'd probably do !!! like just basic marine survival nonsense he's dad probably taught him applied in mundane life situations that would make him stand out and he wouldn't even notice !!! And he thinks he's doing fine, people seem to accept him, but then suddenly someone mentions like... TRL or something and he's like ??? and then Dean picks him up and it all falls to pieces, because it's so EASY and ingrained and he doesn't have to pretend and it puts it into perspective how not okay he was doing at Stanford even when it felt like he was ?? god I'm just rambling, like I barely even have headcanons, I'm just so overwhelmed by all the possibilities of how this would play out !!!!

Holy crap, first I wanna apologize if this has been sitting here awhile. The Ask notification location in settings instead of notifications on the app is so weird and I get them so rarely I don’t think to check. (and the website shows that I have 4 but this one is the only one it’ll show? How does tumblr work? Oh yeah, it doesn’t lol.)

Anyway, I have so many thoughts on this! But they’re not necessarily cohesive?! Like first we all know Sam is super smart. He’s curious. He’s inquisitive. But he’s also sheltered in weird ways. There are things he’s known about the world that most people would never know about, let alone kids his age at any given time; yet the existence of those things--and the understanding that therefore potentially anything could be real--also lends itself to keeping him childlike--he had an “imaginary friend” at age nine and believed in the Easter bunny through age eleven, which is much later than the average probably???

By middle school, he definitely would’ve been feeling the strains of his otherness around his classmates, even if they weren’t constantly moving around, but of course the nomadic lifestyle just makes it even harder.

I think Sam is a very observant person, though. He figured out something was up with their dad and The Truth at age 8! So people watching is Sam’s saving grace for getting along in the mundane world. He definitely learns to mask his otherness by mimicking mundane people.

And I get sidetracked here because then I start thinking about exactly how their childhood went. We know John used Pastor Jim and Bobby as childcare/parenting support to some degree. I don’t think we really know anything about Caleb, maybe I’m forgetting something, but my headcanon is that Caleb functioned as a “fun younger uncle” type to Sam and Dean: cool, responsible in a pinch, but mostly not given childcare responsibilities because of his wilding tendencies. (they learn swears accidentally from Bobby and John, but Caleb TEACHES them.) Sam and Dean didn’t even know about Missouri until s1, so she’s off the caretaker list. They had that babysitter they met up with in uhh... Swap Meat! But largely we assume that Dean had a lot of the caretaking responsibilities; maybe with temporary babysitters in other places the same as Swap Meat.

And lbh you just can’t expect well-rounded, informed child-rearing from a kid only four years older. There’s a reason I associate a lot of weechester flashbacks with Sammy watching TV like in Something Wicked, because literally little siblings are A LOT and sometimes you just want them to sit still and quiet and leave you alone for a bit omg.(wait, give me a minute, I’m imagining little 6 year old Dean on the phone with Bobby because John ran out for food supplies and isn’t back yet and Sammy is still asleep but Dean’s creeped out in the longterm room they’re staying in because he KNOWS about the supernatural already. but then bobby gets on John’s case about it--and instead of never leaving Dean alone with baby Sam again, Dean learns from John’s belt not to call anyone when he’s left alone unless it’s an ACTUAL EMERGENCY. Or maybe, because marine, John doesn’t use his belt; maybe he uses PT instead and every time Dean thinks about calling Bobby for that reason again, his abs ache from the memory of punishment situps, or his arms get suddenly shaky thinking about doing pushups til he just couldn’t anymore.)

I haven’t read all of John’s Journal, and I know it’s not actually canon, but IIRC the bits that I’ve read from the wiki show John and the boys staying with a family friend in Lawrence for a few weeks, MAYBE a few months before John visits Missouri and everything STARTS. I think if he hadn’t picked up and left with them then, the family friends would’ve been contacting CPS because they’re starting to think John’s grief is making him unhinged. (I really want to read the journal tbh--there are bits I’ve seen that make me fantasize even more about boyking!sam storylines... but I’m getting even more off track.)

So we’ve got this weird/interesting dichotomy of kids that are groomed with these hyperspecialiizations, too weird to really fit in with other kids but sheltered from the actual hunter life also--like the fact that there ARE other hunters, like as a THING, not just their dad’s rando friends that, as kids, they may just assume know about the supernatural because their dad told them! (jfc they’re SO PRIMED to be each other’s entire world omg I’m gonna die)

So like, by being quiet and observant (an imaginative kid, by nature and by nurture as John starts to take Dean out more and leave Sam alone with his own thoughts), Sam would pick up a lot of things. But they’re never anywhere long enough for him to fully grasp everything and he would definitely suffer a bit from the Dunning-Kruger effect--not having enough knowledge about a thing, but having just enough that you don’t realize you don’t.

Let’s say Sam observes and picks up some things about normal residential life by being around a few mundane babysitters. The nature of John’s “work” would mean that, even if they were in a more in-home-daycare-like situation, they’d be likely to be the “after hours” kinds of kids that are still there when everyone else is picked up and the babysitter would normally be doing their normal life stuff: changing clothes, cleaning up from the daycare kids, making dinner, etc (sam and dean would definitely help, either out of kindness or duty or because it’s agreed that if they help out John will get a discount on their care costs--don’t mind me, just projecting my childhood onto the winchesters hahh. I’m NOT going to go off on a tangent about Dean already having so much experience caring for babies cuz of Sam. He definitely doesn’t have all the under-4s following him around begging for attention while he burps one of the three babies their babysitter cares for after a bottle. it DEFINITELY didn’t make Sam (age 4, 5, 6 maybe) jealous enough to repress the memory so that over a decade later he would claim that Dean doesn’t even LIKE kids.)

Uhh... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Sam. Observing normal life. Anyway so maybe after things settle for the day, sometimes a babysitter will sit at the dining table with the weekly bills and their checkbook and do the bills. And Sam kind of loves things like this: it feels like something important; it feels like playing school before he was old enough to go (quick aside here: John totally enrolled Sam in school early, both because that’s the only way his age works with canon timeline and because it would make life easier if Sam was in school just like Dean--more cost-and-time efficient.) And maybe Sam goes and sits at the table and just. Watches.

And then he asks questions. When he’s curious, he doesn’t keep his questions to himself as a child (unless the subject is expressly forbidden: see Dean’s reaction when Sam brings up Mary). But his age would inevitably limit the scope and understanding of those questions. Adults are generally disinclined to fully explain the adult world to children, especially when it comes to finances, and in the 80s and early 90s?? With most of the adults of that time that I knew, those kinds of questions were considered rude and nosey. He might understand that adults have to pay bills; he may even understand something about utilities; but he wouldn’t necessarily understand all the requirements and frequency.

Though their nomadic lifestyle wasn’t stable by any “normal” definition, one thing to be said about mostly living out of motels is that your power is never cut off, or your water, or your heat. There’s always television, usually with cable. And the only form of payment you see going on is dad handing over cash or plastic at the front desk--one and done. My headcanon usually disallows the idea that they would’ve squatted in empty houses when Sam and Dean were kids (John makes plenty of bad decisions but I just don’t see him staying in a place without power or water with CHILDREN. Teenagers? SURE.) They would learn how to clean house and make proper beds even when it wasn’t always necessary with housekeeping available--both because of John’s military parenting style and because John would be most likely to opt out of daily housekeeping to lower the risk of having people ask questions.

So yeah, there are so many little intricacies of the mundane world that Sam wouldn’t be conditioned to even think about. Even the realization that he doesn’t know enough about regular life, as he grows up and longs more and more for that very thing because he’s never had more than a glimpse of it, wouldn’t necessarily be enough.

Would his natural curiosity lead him to ask those questions? He can’t ask John because he already asked Dean and got a dismissive answer because ‘what does any of that matter, Sam? we’ll never have to worry about that shit.’ and if Dean seems borderline offended by the sheer audacity of the questions in the first place, he knows John will be worse.

In the 90s, life skills were still kind of a thing in most U.S. schools. But in a really inconsistent way. Sometimes it was in health class curriculum; sometimes your math class would actually do a short focus on balancing a checkbook and banking if there was a chapter, but a lot of times those parts get skipped. You never use the whole textbook. Sometimes life skills was only in Home Ec, but H.E. was completely elective in my area when I was in middle school (the same exact years Sam would’ve been in middle school) and I’m assuming the same for most of the U.S. Sam may have taken it, or he may have taken something else instead (wood shop or computer class were the alternatives in my area). Maybe the nature of school hopping meant that he HAD to enroll in Home Ec, because resources for the other electives were finite, but somehow always managed to miss the bills and budgeting portion. Maybe he couldn’t even take Home Ec due to class size or resources and they just put him in a study hall for that period. (Maybe they put him in the computer class, where he mostly does book work until he gets a turn on the PC he has to share with his classmate.)

As an observant person, Sam totally would’ve known about TRL, I think. There’s no way at least one group of kids in the halls or lunchroom wasn’t talking about it every day in high school, especially with the advent of Britney Spears and Eminem and Jesse freakin Camp. Maybe he goes to someone’s house to try to hang out or to study and they turn it on and Sam watches raptly because it’s such a strange phenomenon and he hardly ever gets to hear new music, much less watch the videos. But he can’t actually get into it because the fangirls are annoying and his analytical mind won’t let him suspend his disbelief about how the voting works. (Maybe he tries giving it another shot in their motel room sometimes, but Dean vetoes that bubblegum pop shit IMMEDIATELY--no Sam, look, that shit isn’t REAL music; most of them don’t even play instruments. And it’s really not fair because Dean TOTALLY watched MTV’s The Grind in the early 90s for his fix of suggestively gyrating bodies before he figured out how to access porn without getting caught.)

Sam and Dean actually make a LOT of pop culture references, which always fascinates me. I imagine they did a lot of TV watching and VCR/movie renting in the times they weren’t working on a case with/for their dad (projecting again; my dad’s house was a very boring place on his weekends). The nature of Dean’s idolization of John and disinclination to let Sam have his own separate likes means they have a mix of age-appropriate pop culture knowledge and a lot of Boomer-era TV and movie knowledge--Dean more than Sam, maybe when it comes to things like cowboy movies and TV lol.

Anyway, as the realization that he doesn’t really know how anything works crept in, maybe Sam would try to lowkey create situations where he could ask his friends/his friends’ parents those normal life kind of questions. But maybe after his first few tries, he’s become so uncomfortably aware of how weird he is to even need to ask that he stops asking. Maybe he starts to tap into his specialized skills and starts snooping/creeping around their houses to try to glean knowledge. Maybe he scours the library for books on ‘what you need to know for life’--I have the urge now to do a google search on actual titles of books on this subject that may have existed at the time, but I’ve already spent a lot of time on this without going into research spirals. lol Maybe he can’t find exactly the things that are pertinent--still doesn’t fully realize that, though--and in the meantime his cache of esoteric knowledge continues to build.

So he gets to Stanford and he mostly understands how the financing works; enough to get by with enrollment and stuff. He understands that he’ll need to get a job of some sort to make ends meet because he’s there to be normal and normal people don’t pay for everything with scammed credit cards and billiards money; he knows that much. But he doesn’t really know about wages, minimum wage, freaking payroll taxes, etc. (I feel like Dean would’ve had odd jobs as a teen, some legit some under the table, but that the nature of John (and Dean) wanting to keep Sam home and safe would’ve made the subject of Sam working through high school a banned topic. And anyway, much as I’m not a fan of the characterization in Drag Me Away (From You), what Dean said to Sam about the impossibility of getting into college with the way his academic career would look is accurate. So Sam would’ve probably spent most of his free time on academics so he could get the fuck out, rather than trying to get a job.

Maybe having to buy his textbooks would be a surprise? John probably always qualified for Sam and Dean to be on free lunch/free book programs in public school, not to mention the likelihood of the records being at least partially counterfeit. But at the same time, John was probably very hands off with their school enrollment crap once the boys were old enough to handle it themselves, so Sam would at least have an inkling.

Sam would be a weird mix of no-boundaries and too-secretive, and his first attempts at acting normal would be a bit too put-on. He’s got experience acting per 1x16 (oh, maybe he did drama instead of home ec somewhere lol), but acting on stage is so much different to acting in a more personal setting. On stage you have to exaggerate your movements to project all the way to the back. Early-Stanford Sam, I guess, is a bit like Soulless Sam. He knows there’s something off about him compared to the people around him, and he just does his best to pretend he’s the same as them without calling attention to his differences, which ends up coming off robotic. A little Stepford. A little uncanny valley. He learns to bite his tongue every time he’s about to let something normal only to his family roll off it; learns to be even more vague than he used to be, because now he’s around strangers ALL THE TIME.

At some point, Sam has a little-but-big breakdown about a payment he missed or the fact that he had to steal shampoo because he didn’t even have toiletries in his budget and couldn’t even afford a bottle of White Rain or Suave, so since he was stealing anyway he got the special brand he really likes and then feels too awful to even use it and doesn’t wash his hair for a week. Brady takes pity on the cute but hapless puppy-boy who is a physical and academic behemoth but has obviously been living off-grid on some kind of militia commune for the past forever--at first the rumor was that he was Amish on rumspringa but the amount of times Sam has busted out some supremely random survival knowledge in casual conversation changes that rumor quickly--and has no understanding of the world. And by the time he moves off-campus with Jess, Sam has this masking thing down pretty well; he can almost forget he’s not normal sometimes and Jess only knows about his previous helplessness in a cute, anecdotal kind of way.

And then Dean comes and gets him and Sam’s all “you and Dad still doing credit card scams?” and Dean’s like “well hunting doesn’t pay the bills.”

AND SAM’S LIKE, NEITHER DO YOU DEAN! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BILLS ARE?! BECAUSE I DIDN’T AND IT WOULD’VE BEEN NICE TO KNOW!

[zeawesomebirdie]

Heeyy I'm back! I 100% agree with you in the past few days I've spent so much time with a new widow and like 20 wookieepedia articles open just going on search-tangents, it's so fun! Like the SW universe just... Never stops? You can just want to look up someone's dob and 2 hours later you're realising Tatooiine is in the Arkanis sector and Arkanis is right next to it and so is Geonosis apparently?? Still haven't come back from that one. But yeah I totally get the enthusiasm. And the HC about dates is actually good, especially for my poor brain who's having a hard time with all the stuff that's not explained haha

Mainly I just wanted to say I watched the prequels in a night and the next afternoon and it was very fun! (because for once I hadn't heard every nitpick and criticism possible on the movies :') apart from like, Hayden Christensen's acting) But I wanted to let you know, I had Obikin in mind all throughout the movies and... Yeah. Yeeaah. Yep yep yep. Love it. I started the second Aftermath book but partway I got distracted and went looking for fics :')) So far I've read a few and it's super fun because it differs from my other ships on a few things and I like the change for once :') If there are any fics you think are super good or you want to talk about, feel free to recommend them! (Also real question: do people use Ani-Wan? Cause I think that's a good name too but I just pulled it out of my ass soo...)

- ☂️

Hey there Anon ☂️! I know im the one who got you onto this wookiepedia deep dive but did you say Tatooine was in the Arkanis sector???? Thats crazy???? Especially if you're coming at the GFFA from an interest in the sequels but then learning about the prequels and-

Okay so before I get too excited, I'm so glad you're enjoying these little tangents! This is why its taken me the last nine months to even attempt to zero draft any SW canon-compliant fic, I keep getting sidetracked by a million little details and then I stop writing to research 😅 but really, the same sector and everything??!! Im gonna have to look into this omg this changes so so much about the kylux dynamic if they know this

And welcome to the prequel fanclub! I have to admit the prequels are my favorite trilogy, though that may be because im very queer and I project onto Obi-Wan a lot lmao! RotS is genuinely my favorite movie of all time and has been since I first saw it at like 10 years old, and I'm always so excited when people get to experience it without the notion that they suck! Like sure its bad 2000's acting but also its beautiful and the way everything just goes together and ahh I love these movies so much, there's a reason im mainly a prequels blog!

Oh and yeah you're right about watching them with obikin in mind! Prior to watching them this year I hadn't seen them in a good 6 or 7 years so everything i was getting for the ship was from fandom, and then when I managed to move back to my parents I finally watched the movies again and it was so amazing to see them with this new lense! And omg they're just so cute together? As the Stover novelization says, "They're a team. They're the team. And both of them are sure they always will be." And you know what that quote smacks me across the face because its so fucking true, they love each other so completely but the story just has to go on and ahhhhh

So now i have to admit im bad and haven't read a whole lot of fic for any ship in a long while 😅 reading is just hard for me, im unmedicated adhd so I tend to not read if I can get away with it but if you want my recs, I will always handsdown recommend the Matthew Stover RotS novelization, while not a fic its pure obikin for like 300 pages and its considered a canon novel which. Canon obikin? Yes please! I also like these fics:

you were the crash (i was the car) by zombiekatherine (rated M, please mind the tags)

and i think of all those little things (that you and i can do) by monamoure (rated M, please mind the tags)

Both of these are absolutely amazing! Short, but again im super adhd and not medicated whatsoever so sitting and reading anything over 10k isn't happening unless its my own fic (and even then it doesn't always happen lmao)

Now onto your last point: the only ship names I've seen for obikin are obikin (obv lol) and aniobi? There's also ships with both of them plus a third such as quiobiani (Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan/Anakin) and obianidala (Obi-Wan/Anakin/Padmé), and im sure there's others but im blanking on what they're called atm but honestly im sure people will get what you mean regardless of what tag you use! I say this as someone who very rarely tags posts lmao, sorry I cant be more helpful!

And side note, if you want some more deep diving and random info that isn't considered canon but is actually in Legends, I highly recommend the book Darth Plagueis by James Luceno. Its obv about Plagueis yes, but it talks pretty extensively about midichlorians and the research Plagueis was doing on Aborah in an attempt to prolong his life (and of course then you can say you have in fact heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise). I fully intend on reading more Legends books, in fact I have Master & Apprentice by Claudia Grey sitting next to me rn but I havent taken the time to read it yet (if you're unfamiliar, its the #1 "canon" quiobi novel!)

Okay now that I've rambled at length, I hope you're having a great day!! Enjoy this newfound knowledge!!

[sleepymarmot]

Opinion: MAG 187 doesn’t invalidate Helen’s more sympathetic moments

It is possible to interpret the episode as retconning everything the Distortion has ever said and done into a manipulation targeted at Jon, which would undo the character’s complexity and make them revolve entirely around the protagonist. The key for this interpretation seems to lie in the following exchange: 

ARCHIVIST You worked to hurt us and help us, all with the same smile, until we can barely tell one from the other. Keeping us off-balance, constantly second-guessing our own opinions of you. Never quite crossing a line we could never forgive, but never putting yourself on the line either. And when one face finally stopped smiling, you just changed the face.

HELEN Fine. So if that’s all true… why? Why would I do any of that? What’s my actual motive?

ARCHIVIST I don’t think you even have one. It’s just what you are.

But I don’t think most of what was said here is new information.

Let’s go back to season 3. Here’s how the newborn Helen Distortion explains her identity:

HELEN Michael isn’t me. Not now.

ARCHIVIST What happened?

HELEN He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me. Lost my way.

In other words, the Distortion’s modus operandi is a long, long game of cat and mouse (see also: MAG 146 Threshold). Michael got sidetracked by his (or Michael Shelley’s) revenge against the Archivist(s) and decided to actually kill the mouse. But it was unnatural for the Distortion, so it shook off the troublesome identity, and Helen was both an instrument to get rid of Michael and a continuation of what was started by him and worked so well.

ARCHIVIST A-are you still going to kill me?

HELEN No. That was Michael’s desire, not mine.

The Distortion doesn’t want to send the Archivist into its corridors. Why would it, when it’s so rewarding to misdirect and mess with him in other ways?

Now, for episode 115.

HELEN I… I’m not… I’m not entirely sure. I’m… having trouble. I don’t think I was meant to be Helen.

ARCHIVIST I’m – I don’t understand.

HELEN Neither do I. Michael was… pulling away. His anger was interfering. I don’t, I don’t think I have a choice but to be Helen. Self is difficult.

ARCHIVIST Michael, he, uh, he, he wasn’t meant to be you either, though, was he?

HELEN No.

There’s an internal conflict between Helen and the Distortion -- just like there was between Michael and the Distortion. I don’t think the new episode invalidates or undoes that. On the contrary: it restated that Michael strayed from the Distortion’s purpose, which means Helen could have done the same.

HELEN Something happened when I became ‘Helen’. She wasn’t right, she wasn’t ready.

ARCHIVIST I don’t…

HELEN Before, talking to you made Helen feel better.

ARCHIVIST You’re not that Helen!

HELEN I just want… I just want to feel better.

Helen was supposed to be a meal that replenished the Distortion’s energy. But it seems that the food was not as fully digested as the Distortion would prefer, and tried to bite back.

ARCHIVIST Wh-what? Why should I believe… a-a-any of this? You’ve told me over and over that you’re… what was the phrase? The ‘throat of delusion’? All of this is –

HELEN I have never told you a lie, Archivist. I wouldn’t dare. I, I just thought you might understand.

ARCHIVIST Uh… How could I possibly…

HELEN We’re both changing, Archivist. I had hoped, that together –

The Distortion has never lied (and now we know why). The Distortion has truly changed. Its new face genuinely wanted Jon’s company, just like the previous face had wanted him dead. But both faces interact with Jon in a way that leaves him confused and upset, because such is their nature.

In MAG 131, Helen insists that her identity is not a mask but a new but inseparable part of herself. As we now know, she is not lying: 

ARCHIVIST

You’re still wearing her face.

HELEN

Not this again. I’m not “wearing” anything, Archivist. I am at least as much ‘Helen Richardson’ as you are the ‘Jonathan Sims’ that first joined this Institute. Things change. People change. It happens.

We get a double confirmation that Helen is different from the Distortion’s previous incarnations in MAG 146, in the words of both Helen and her victim:

This wasn’t like before; there was no playfulness here, none of that malicious joy that I had always felt coming off it. Now there was just a cold hunger, a deep anger, as though I had no right to just stand there looking at it. The street was silent, but I could feel it screaming at me to open it.

HELEN (all business) Oh, well; the son, I was pursuing long before I was even Michael. And technically, I didn’t eat the old man. He passed away from terror long before I got a chance to open properly.

ARCHIVIST His son Marcus – he – he was fine when I read his father’s statement two years ago, but now, suddenly, I can’t get through to him.

HELEN No. I imagine not. I decided it was time to finish that game a few months ago.

ARCHIVIST You – Why?

HELEN Not sure. I suppose Helen didn’t have quite the same attachment to him as a project. I’m not quite as much for decades-long campaigns of subtle terror these days.

ARCHIVIST (soft) That’s horrible.

HELEN Is it? We do what we need to do when it comes to feeding, don’t we? (pointed) Don’t we, Archivist?

Helen Distortion doesn’t derive joy from terrorizing people for months or years with doors. That’s just food now. Now she gets the same joy from messing with people with the help of her humanlike appearance and personality.

An often-quoted line from MAG 152:

HELEN Even if it were capable of doing so, what possible reason would the Eye have to change how you feel, when it makes no difference to your actions? Helen was like you, at first. She felt such guilt over taking people. Until one day she realized she wasn’t going to stop doing it. So she chose to stop feeling guilty.

Again, the new episode confirms two things: 1) Helen wasn’t lying. 2) Helen was telling this to Jon to make him doubt his loyalties. And again, this is not new information! She laughs at his misery and confusion very openly!

Episode 157. Jon gets a shocking reminder that Helen is Just Here To Troll:

HELEN Because I have a good enough sense of what’s going on to know that it will be much more fun without my involvement! (begins laughing)

...

ARCHIVIST Just tell me what’s going on. Please.

HELEN (gleefully) Bad things, Archivist. Really bad things.

MAG 164, Helen’s first appearance in s5. There’s so much going on, let’s try to list at least some of it: she congratulates jonmartin on their relationship, immediately tries to play them against each other, cheerfully deflects all blame onto Jon and also Georgie and Melanie, admits to betrayal, announces she wants to be friends “again”, then expresses pity that Jon isn’t hostile to her enough. Absolutely everything she does is about creating relationship chaos.

MAG 166, second encounter with Helen post-Change, and she is delighted to see disagreement between Jon and Martin unprompted by her:

MARTIN Yeah, I, I, I think we should go for it, get our murder on!

ARCHIVIST (disbelief) Sorry, what?

HELEN (surprised delight) Yes, Martin!

In MAG 177, she moves the focus of ridiculously blatant manipulation and provocation onto Basira, and also doesn’t bother to hide she enjoys scaring her “friends”:

HELEN Not interrupting anything, Am I?

MARTIN Christ, Helen, you scared the life out of me.

HELEN [Insincere] Sorry, darling.

And finally, MAG 183. By now, everyone in the scene is aware that she’s here just to get a rise out of our heroes and metaphorically eat popcorn.

MARTIN Look. Listen, I’m getting really sick of all thi–

ARCHIVIST Leave it, Martin. She’s just trying to get under your skin.

MARTIN Yeah? Well, she’s really good at it!

HELEN Aww. Thanks, sweetie. But to be honest, I’m mainly just here to see which path you choose.

Which brings us to MAG 187. We already know that Helen isn’t Jon and Martin’s “friend” as in “ally” -- she hangs out with them to provoke strong responses and sow chaos. The plot twist is that she’s not just doing it for fun, like a human would -- it is her way of avatar feeding.

The Distortion has always been a trickster. I am glad that they died this way, instead of becoming either an over-the-top villain or a reluctant hero -- before the plot could corner them into becoming one. And as Jon said, the reason Helen had to die was not her trickster nature, but the side she picked on the “Eyepocalipse: keep or cancel?” issue. 

The reveal in 187 does not contradict the information we had before, and so it doesn’t retcon or undo the complexity or character development that the Distortion had. The fact that the Distortion fed on Jon (and others’) reaction to them does not mean that they never had any motivations or thoughts beyond that. Jon says it himself: “keeping us off-balance” is not the Distortion’s motivation, it’s “who they are”, it’s the natural, instinctive way they conduct themselves. We have learned that the Distortion's behavior was Eldritch Trolling instead of Regular Trolling, that's all.

[funkymbtifiction]

given that i really don’t trust myself (because i wake up one day convinced i’m an isfj and then get isfj in every test, the next day i start thinking i’m an isfp out of nowhere and get isfp to the exact same tests because… magic) i’m now really considering infp because i can explain each function actually and i relate to the loop.... [ deleted ]

i have a strong need to be in right with my conscience, i have a code of behaviour and i feel bad if i don’t respect it, i think that at the end you’re the only person you’re going to spend your life with, so what you think about yourself is more important that what other people think of you, and i think you have to take care of yourself first to be able to truly help others. <- strong Fi

i relate to Ne because i am energized by new possibilities, starting projects, trying something new, otherwise i feel stuck, like my life is empty, i get bored quite easily and i’m very indecisive because i can see so many different paths. <- could be Se or Ne, that’s a generalization that fits both, although it’s usually true that ISFPs “do” things and get bored with them and move on, rather than philosophizing about which path to take

also i don’t like to follow procedures step by step, i need to understand generally how somethings works and then figure out how to do it in my own way. i relate to Si (in fact i thought i was an isfj) for some things such as nostalgia, liking comfort things which remind me of happy times, i also like to keep my stuff tidy, although sometimes i fail to stick to schedules and routines because i get sidetracked. <- can be Fi/poor Te and 9 (since you are one)

i think my Te emerges especially with people i dislike or when i’m angry because i start telling them how inefficient or impractical they are, also i have kinda a “less words, more doings” mindset, but then after these outbursts i feel so guilty because i felt like i broke my rule of being kind. <-Fi-dom/9

the fact is that, i feel like i’m not “enough” to be an infp, not idealistic enough, not creative enough, not spiritual enough. my sister is an infp and i think she has a lot more “supernatural” beliefs than i do, i feel like sometimes i’m too materialistic to be an infp, or that i don’t have enough ideas, for example when i try to write a story, i have nice ideas for the beginning but then i don’t know how to develop it, i know what things i don’t like about society but i have no idea what to do to fix those in a concrete way, i’m fascinated by theories and innovative solutions but i think i don’t come out with enough ideas myself.

<- how do you know for sure your sister is an INFP? She might be an ENFP. Or an SFJ. Or any other type. Also, comparisons aren’t helpful most of the time. It should be about you and how your mind works (which TBH seems INFP) and not “oh, this person ACTS more like an INFP than me.” Um. How does an INFP act? All of them are unique within their type. ;)

Having good ideas but no follow through is related to poor Te planning skills, not Ne. Having strong views about society but no idea of how to change it is also Fi ------------ > Te related. Also, Ne doesn’t come up with its own ideas just at random, it has to have something trigger them -- one idea leads to more, like popcorn exploding in a machine. But you have to mentally engage with the object / philosophy / belief system / whatever it is FIRST and CARE about it, otherwise Ne won’t bother to put any effort into popping out connections.

also i’m studying to become a pharmacist because is at the same time something i like and something which i think would give me a stable job, while i think Fi-Ne would be more about something artistic which allow self expression, regardless of the real job opportunities. <- this is somewhat true, but you forget that all INFPs have SiTe, which likes stability and to be able to afford food.

You sound 6w7 fixed also, behind your 9, if there’s that much confusion. In my experience, Ne + 6w7 fixed generates a nervous tension of “I am X type...” followed by jumping up 5 seconds later to re-evaluate it.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

TPWP Chapter 19 Spoilers!!!

Hi guys! 

So, in chapter 19 of TPWP, I chose to go a more explicit route than it had been going previously. I decided to write about why I did that, as well as go over Mondo’s mentality during it all, since I don’t have his perspective written yet, oops.

It prolly will be best to not read this until after reading the chapter, though, or else this won’t make any sense, ha. 

You can find the explanation under the read more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Okay. So, when I was originally thinking about this story, I didn’t have much idea of where I wanted to go. Right? I was just like “I have the desire to write, so I’m gonna write.” No plans for where the story would go, no real end game in mind. Just… I wanna write, so I’m gonna write. Everything else will come with time. 

 It wasn’t until around chapter… 13, 14? that I started to have a strong idea for where I wanted this story to go. I’d had small ideas before, like in chapter 12 I knew I wanted to add a Halloween festival (which originally was going to be a dance before I remembered Japan does festivals, not dances), and I knew I wanted to have the sauna scene somewhere. Also, in chapter 9 I knew I wanted to have Chihiro befriend Mondo and have them tell Mondo their secret (which, by the by, was originally going to occur back in chapter 9 instead of in chapter 17. Rather than have Taka get all passionate and demanding, Taka and Mondo were going to overhear some dude harassing Chi in the library, they were going to follow the voice, and Mondo was going to be all “oh dude you’re gonna regret that,” ha. That was gonna have Taka be all “oh dude, he’s not all bad, is he?? Huh…” and Chi would be like “woah he’s a nice guy. Maybe I can tell him my secret???” But then I got sidetracked with the passion and couldn’t fit that in, but knew I wanted it somewhere. But I’m very much digressing, ha).

 Anyway! While I had individual plot points figured out, I didn’t have anything major. Nothing concrete, just a bunch of mostly unrelated ideas. 

 But then. Then, in chapter 13, I wrote the, uh… “nocturnal emission” scene. I did that mostly because I was growing tired of the slow burn and wanted some relief of having them kiss and confess, without it ruining my plan. But when I was writing and editing it, I kept thinking “man, wouldn’t it be cool if they did something like this? If they were all “dude you’re so awesome and I’m so attracted to you and I really wanna do ~~~sexual stuff~~~ with you, hahaha. Platonically, of course!!! Ahahaha!!!!”

 I didn’t think it would work at first. I knew I wanted this to be a slow burn and I knew I wanted to end this story right before winter break, so I couldn’t have them get together until this story ended. I was afraid that having them ~~do things~~ together would have them go too fast and would make things complicated. 

 But I was really starting to like the idea. I began seeing ways I could play with the idea without it being inherently romantic, with having them still deny their feelings. I didn’t know if it would work, but I decided to lay down the groundwork anyway. I wrote chapter 18, figuring it would be funny and make both boys painfully aware that they ~~~like~~~ the other (even if Mondo denies it), if nothing else. And then I figured, well. Why not write chapter 19? Worst case scenario, I don’t use it and write something else. And I usually hate doing things like that. Once something is written, that becomes my canon, usually, and it’s hard for me to do anything different. But I can do it, so I figured it was worth the risk. 

 I was very iffy with the chapter at first. The first part of the chapter was hard to write and was initially… not good. Very clunky and awkwardly worded and I didn’t like it. But I kept going because… whatever. I had the idea of making Taka aware of Mondo’s decidedly not platonic interactions with him, since I figured that even Taka would begin to see the truth when all the evidence points in that direction. Plus, I figured it would be good set up for what I wanted to have happen. Taka does not strike me as the kind of person who would do anything sexual unless he really liked and trusted the person he was with. I kind of head canon Taka as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, ha. Projection, I know. Maybe graysexual, with Mondo as a kind of exception, or demisexual, feeling attracted to Mondo now that he was romantically interested in him. But because of that, I didn’t think he’d just be willing to jump into Mondo’s bed, so to speak, if he didn’t have some inkling that maybe his feelings were reciprocated. 

 And as for the actual sexual encounter… that had come to me back in chapter 14, when Mondo and Taka were discussing all of that. The way I saw it, the idea kind of… stuck around in Mondo’s head. Now, I’m ace. Right? I don’t really understand sexual attraction. And while I do feel desire and all that, I definitely understand people who don’t feel anything sexual at all. But I imagine that allo (people who feel sexual attraction in general) people with no concept of what asexuality is wouldn’t understand something like that. They wouldn’t understand not feeling desire. And so, it concerns Mondo, who uses that sort of thing to destress and forget his troubles for a little while. 

 Upon hearing that Taka doesn’t, and knowing how tense Taka always is, it niggles at Mondo and makes him worry for Taka. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling sexual desire and not wanting to pleasure yourself. I imagine that Mondo could even understand if Taka didn’t feel desire at all, and if he didn’t want to do things like that in general. But what concerns Mondo is that he KNOWS Taka feels sexual desire. I’ve not yet discussed this in the chapters yet, but, uh… ya know Taka’s “nocturnal emissions?” Well… let’s just say that he is very vocal during them. And he has been known to let slip a certain name. The owner of said name definitely hearing Taka and knowing exactly what that means, even if it kind of shorts his brain out to think it, ha. 

 Anyway. This has been rattling around in Mondo’s head for weeks by this point. If my timeline was how I originally had it, it would be longer, but since I had to condense everything, it’s been like… 2 weeks since Halloween? And Mondo has been thinking about it constantly despite himself. Even more so after the bath. He knows Taka is tense, knows that jerking off helps relieve tension, and he knows that Taka is attracted to him in some regard, even if Taka thinks it’s wrong. 

 And I would like to state for the record that Mondo ABSOLUTELY meant the offer innocently when he first brought it up. He just wanted to be all “hey bro. So, I know you don’t do this since you find it morally wrong, but it’s not, and it would be cool if you tried it. No one would blame you. And if you wanted to think of /me/ while doing it, well that would be cool too, HAHAHAHAHAHA-”

 But when Taka started getting all upset, Mondo started getting upset. He really cares about Taka, and he hates seeing him cry and be unhappy. And when Taka mentioned feeling broken and wrong, Mondo /hated/ that. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with Taka at all. Even if Taka didn’t feel any arousal, he wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with Taka and would be 100% supportive. 

 But the thing is, he /does/ know that Taka feels arousal. He does know that Taka feels these things and is perfectly able to do it all, given his dreams. And so, he /knows/ that Taka’s problem is a mental one. And he thinks that maybe if Taka just… forces through the problem, like Mondo often will, well… maybe that would help. And Taka would feel better about himself. And he’d be able to have a way to relieve tension. 

 (And, of course, Mondo would be able to see the guy he’s unwittingly crushing hard on jerk himself off, but that’s completely beside the point, right???? Mondo’s just a really good bro and wants to help his bro in any way he can. Bro.) 

 He didn’t quite realize how much he’d enjoy the whole proceedings, though. And oh, did he enjoy it. Watching Taka touch himself. Watching Taka watch /him/ as he touched himself, his eyes full of desire and heat, clearly desiring Mondo deeply. It was the first time he realized that maybe… just /maybe/ there is something more to what he’s feeling. More than the familial love he’s been telling himself he feels. And it’s not like he’s never felt attracted to Taka, or like he’s never wanted him, right? He has. Many times. But those times he’d make excuses. Tell himself he was just horny in general and that it had nothing to do with Taka personally. That he didn’t actually want Taka but just wanted /someone/. But this… this is the first time he can’t really excuse it away, not with how much desire he currently is feeling. He does his best not to think about it, just keeps going, wanting to help Taka, but… it’s now there in the back of his mind. A tiny little seed of doubt and desire. 

 And when Taka pulls away, tears in his eyes, saying that there’s something wrong with him, that he’s broken, well… Mondo is so far gone by this point, ridiculously turned on, and he’s drowning in his concern. He hates seeing Taka so unhappy with himself, and he wants to prove to Taka that there’s nothing wrong with him. And with how far gone he is, he doesn’t think about how bad an idea this whole thing is. He doesn’t think about how supposedly straight guys shouldn’t do things like this. He doesn’t think about how he shouldn’t even be thinking about things like this at all, not if he were truly as straight as he tries to pretend that he is. All he knows is that Taka is distressed and unhappy. And that he’d do absolutely anything to make him happy again. 

 He didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as he does. Even with the niggling thought in the back of his head that he’d been enjoying the previous encounter a bit too much, he didn’t think he’d be so turned on by touching Taka. He thought he’d do it kind of militantly, a task he had to do, something that was kind of meaningless but important, nonetheless. 

 But that’s not how it felt. And Mondo was so far gone that he couldn’t begin to chastise himself for feeling how he was feeling. It was like a religious experience for Mondo, honestly. An epiphany. A moment of “oh. So that’s what I’ve been feeling.” He has no idea what it means, or why he feels like this, but he… he /likes it/. Likes touching Taka, likes making Taka feel good. He likes kissing Taka, too, and in that moment… he wants nothing more than to have Taka. All of Taka. He is so far gone that he can’t close the floodgates, can’t stop the desire he’s feeling. He loves Taka, he already knew that. But for the first time… for the first time, he realizes that he is /attracted/ to Taka, too. And it’s not as terrifying as he would have thought. 

 Of course… this all changes once they’re done, and the desire has faded. Now… getting a bit meta here. But like I said in the end notes, I initially had considered making Mondo completely fine with everything that happened. He was going to be like “well, guess we shouldn’t call each other kyoudai anymore, heh…” and it would be awkward, but ultimately, they’d realize they had sexual feelings for each other. 

 But! If you recall what I said earlier, I wanted this to be a slow burn. A VERY slow burn. Having them get together this early wouldn’t make sense in that regard. And honestly… it wouldn’t make sense for Mondo’s character, either. Not how I’ve been writing him. So, I made a decision. Rather than be okay with it… I’d make him deny and repress himself again. I came up with a reason for him to be so repressed and scared of his feelings later on, which if you’ve read the TPWM companion chapter for chapter 6 of TPWP, you have some idea of what his problem is. 

 Anyway. Ultimately, my decision to do this was less “hehe hot bois being lewd” or whatever, and was more “this could lead somewhere interesting and I’m intrigued to seeing how this will play out.” I started having an idea of where to go with this story and this plot line was very important to it, honestly. I usually hate smut that has no bearing on the plot at all, so I made this smut be purposeful and have meaning. It leads somewhere and has a purpose, I promise. 

 Also! Why I had Taka have, um… erectile disfunction issues. Mostly, I figured that he’d be the type of person to be super embarrassed by that sort of thing. And after spending at least eight years forcing himself to ignore and repress the fact that he’s gay, not to mention how upright and moral he forces himself to be, I imagine that pleasuring himself was low on his priorities. And there are people who get so very anxious at the thought of self-pleasuring, usually religious people, but I figured it would work with Taka too. Plus, it was the only way I could imagine nudging Mondo into doing such a thing. Mondo cares so much for Taka and seeing him struggling would make Mondo want to do literally anything for him. Including, uh… that, ha. And it allowed Taka to accept the help. So… yeah. I don’t know much about ED and wasn’t looking forward to researching it for this story, so I didn’t do much research and was like… it’s fine, ha. 

 Anyway, I hope that all made sense! And I hope my reasoning for it all is understandable. 

[spaceskam]

our fainted thrill carries on (7/13)

ao3

Michael tried to let it go, but there was one mystery that he couldn’t.

“Coffee?” Alex asked, leaning over the back of the couch to hand him a mug. Michael accepted it willingly, not looking over at him if only because he tended to get sidetracked every time he did. “Do you have work today?”

“No,” Michael said, “Got Sanders to give me the day off because I’m onto something.” 

He typed a bit more into Alex’s high-tech computer, searching through government databases that he really shouldn’t have access to as a way to find the social security number of that boy that hung around his mom in that barn in 1948. He’d figured that if he could locate his social security number, he could figure out where he was even if he’d changed his name.

“What are you gonna do if you find him?” Alex asked softly, his breath a little too close to Michael’s ear as he peered over his shoulder. Michael froze for a moment, but he quickly shook it off and continued to scroll through the list of people named Walt who was born in the late 30s in Roswell, New Mexico. It was easier said than done.

“Track him down, go talk to him.”

“He’s what, 80? What if he doesn’t remember?”

“Then I bring Isobel and we make him remember whether he wants to or not,” Michael said. Alex grabbed his jaw firmly, forcing him to look at him. 

He was close, eyes dark and serious for the first time in weeks. They’d been doing good. It was a week after Christmas, Alex had been helping both Project Shepard and Liz, and Michael had been doing his best to make progress in all facets. They slept in the same bed and they cuddled and they told each other they loved each other. Things were nice and easy. But Alex had a look on his face that was not at all nice and easy.

“No, you will not,” Alex said, “You’ll respect his boundaries. That’s an invasion of privacy and that takes away someone’s agency, do you understand me?” 

“But I want‒”

“I know you want answers, Michael, but that’s not the way to do it. That makes you the villain,” Alex said. Michael stared right back. He wanted to explain to Alex why it was so important to him, but, then again, he probably understood that well enough. Which made it all that more frustrating. “You are not the villain, are you?”

“No,” Michael said. Alex nodded, letting go and pulling away. Michael registered that he was in uniform and looking like a man on a mission. Which would explain the stern voice he had. Michael wanted to just grab him and pull him in, kiss him until he said something sweet instead.

Alex clearly must’ve seen that and he reached back out to move his hair off his forehead. 

“Please just be safe,” he said. Michael nodded easily. “I’ll see you after work.”

Michael watched him leave and stayed watching the door until he heard his car door slam and the engine start. Then Michael’s phone dinged and he pulled his eyes away from the door to check it.

Alex: I’m not mad at you. Have a good day, love you 

Michael smiled to himself and got to scrolling for more information. Eventually, though, Rosa climbed through the hole in the floor and gave him an antagonizing smile. He tried to ignore her even as she plopped down beside him, peering over his shoulder. He leaned away and she leaned closer.

“You have a list of all the men named Walt, why don’t you search them individually so you can rule them out instead of making it complicated. Half of them are probably dead anyway,” she said. Michael pursed his lips as he looked at the list of 57 Walts, all of them with a variety of last names. He hadn’t even thought about that. “You’re welcome.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t be too proud,” Michael grumbled, quickly copying the list of names and pasting them in an open document before printing them. He put the laptop on the coffee table and went to go fetch the papers.

“Walt Freedman,” Rosa read, “Why does that sound familiar?”

“I have no idea, did you sleep with an old guy named Walt Freedman?” 

“No,” she scoffed, “I feel like I’ve seen it before. Maybe… Maybe on like a prescription or something? I don’t know, it’s been a couple of months.”

“Months?”

“For me months, not for you months,” Rosa clarified. Michael grabbed the printed pages and walked back to the couch where Rosa was squinting and thinking as hard as she could. He sat beside her and pulled the laptop back onto his lap.

“Well, let’s Google him, see what comes up,” Michael said. She leaned in close to watch and see what popped up when he Googled ‘Walt Freedman roswell’.

It took a minute, but eventually, they got a few results. Michael clicked on a background check website that popped up the name. It gave a few of his relatives, his age of 81, birthdate, and that he used to live in Albuquerque, but no sign of a current phone number or address. Which would’ve been a fine dead end, but then one of his relatives was listed as Lee Sanders. Michael blinked a couple of times in confusion.

“What?” he breathed, clicking on the name. It had all the same information, only now with a name Michael knew and a place of business that Michael knew.  “What the fuck? He knows the guy who knew my mom?”

“Michael,” Rosa said carefully. It was the first time that she’d looked at him without an ounce of rivalry. It made his stomach sink. “I think he is the guy that knew your mom.”

Michael stared at the screen for a few minutes longer before he was standing up.

“I gotta go.”

-

“We need to go talk to your father.”

“Hello to you too.”

Alex wasn’t having a bad day, necessarily, but he’d been riding a high for a little over a week and he was bound to have a downfall eventually. Today was that. And, considering how high that high was, this felt like plummeting even though he logically knew it wasn’t actually bad. That little voice that told him he had to feel guilty for being happy, though, had come back with a vengeance. Michael’s lack of response didn’t help.

“No, seriously, we need to go talk to your father. I’ve been looking through that box you got from that farm and those papers at the bottom had invisible ink on it.”

“How the hell did you figure that out?”

“The paper was kinda warped looking and I thought it was water damage, but it wasn’t. Cam pointed it out,” Kyle explained.

“You’re welcome,” she chimed in. Alex didn’t have the brainpower to care about why they were together when Kyle was in the middle of his shift at work.

“So, get this, we tried a couple of different things to get the ink to show up and you know what did? Heat. Not just any kind of heat. 110.3℉.”

Alex stopped walking.

“Michael’s body temperature?”

“Alien body temperature. I think this was a message written to their moms,” Kyle said, “I think it was meant to show when pressed against their body heat. But the problem is, it’s all in that code that my dad wrote in.” 

“Well, put it through the system,” Alex said like it was obvious.

“I did and I’m gonna go pick it up after work, but I already recognize at least one of the symbols as being one of the undecipherable ones,” Kyle said. Alex groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. One of the younger soldiers on base looked at him in concern, but quickly looked away when he caught Alex’s eye. “Maybe the new context will help.”

“Maybe,” Alex sighed, “Look, I’ll stop by after work and see if I can figure it out then later we can go talk to my dad.”

“Got it, Cap,” Cam said. 

“Yeah, got it, I’ll see you then,” Kyle said, “Be safe, Alex.”

“Mhm,” Alex hummed. He ended the call without saying goodbye.

Alex braced his hand against the wall for a moment, his mind feeling a little foggy from the newfound stress. He hated only getting a little bit of information at a time, he wanted everything. Instead, he kept reaching the top of the ladder and having to construct new rungs to go higher. Which was fine when he felt good, but today he wasn’t.

Mindlessly, he checked his phone to see if Michael had texted him back. They’d gotten into a new swing of things where they’d text throughout the day, it was small and casual, but it made him feel like he wasn’t alone ever. But, still, there was no ‘i love you too’ and no excited messages about what he may have found and no subtle complaining about having to spend a day with Rosa.

That stupid mix of a bad day and his constant levels of anxiety had him staring a little too long before he typed out a message and sent.

Alex: are you mad at me?

Read. No response.

-

“Sanders!”

“What are you doin’ here, boy? I said you had the day off.”

Michael’s mind felt like he was going to explode. The long drive from the cabin out here had done nothing but make him angrier. Did Sanders know who his mom was? Did he just keep that from him for all these years?

“Who is Walt Freedman?” Michael demanded. He froze like he’d been caught. Then he shook his head, turning towards his truck.

“I’m not doing this.”

“Tell me who he is!” Michael said, using his powers to slam the truck door closed. Sanders didn’t flinch or look to him in horror, he just sighed and turned back to face him.

“If you’re showin’ off like that, you already know who he is.”

Michael didn’t know what to say to that. He just watched him and tried his damnedest not to fucking lose it. How could someone who was the closest thing to a father figure he had, the only adult who kept his ass off the street some nights, be the same person who lied to him? It didn’t matter if Michael hadn’t bothered to ask, this felt like a firm lie by the omission of truth situation. 

“Why?” Michael asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you knew my mother? Why would you keep that from me?”

“I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“The fuck you are, tell me,” Michael demanded, coming closer. Sanders sighed and looked at him, a pretty pitiful look on his face. Michael just didn’t know who the pity was for. Then he gestured towards the chairs around the fire pit outside the airstream that was hardly even of use anymore.

“Fine.”

Michael eyed him, swallowing hard. It felt like it was too easy. But, still, he nodded and they went to sit.

For the next hour, Michael did his best to listen. He kept getting the urge to butt in, to challenge him, to ask why he could trust him, but instead, he kept his mouth shut and dug his nails into the heel of his palm beneath the bandana.

Sanders detailed stories of their time in that barn, about how kind and strong his mother was and about everything that led up to that day in the barn. She was protective and an engineering genius, something she clearly gave to him. He told him of how he’d only ever seen her leave the barn twice, once where’d she’d gone somewhere at night and once at the fair. Other than that, she was extremely cautious. She was the reason they lasted so long in the first place.

“Do you know where she went that night that she was gone?” Michael asked, “Why would she do that?”

Sanders shrugged haphazardly. “I was just a kid, I didn’t ask.”

“You can’t think of anywhere she might’ve gone?”

“I don’t know, boy.”

“Okay, fine, whatever, none of this explains why you went the last 13 years lying to me,” Michael said, eyeing him, “Did you… did you know it was me?”

Sanders pushed himself up to his feet and Michael scoffed, standing to try and stop him. He wasn’t done talking.

“Miss Nora gave me a map before everything went downhill. I wanted to get the hell out of Roswell, but that stupid map wouldn’t let me. Every once in awhile, I’d go up to check on you three in your little eggs. Then one day, I went and checked and you were gone,” Sanders explained.

“So you did know it was me when you gave me a job and let me sleep on your couch, huh? What the fuck is that about?” Michael demanded. Sanders ignored him and walked off. “You didn’t answer anything!”

“What do you want to hear, huh? You wanna hear that I knew what was goin’ on with you and didn’t try to help? That I didn’t go see you at that home and make sure you were okay? That I didn’t do everything I could to give you somewhere you felt welcome like your mama gave me? Because I did!” Michael felt like he’d been hit in the stomach more than once and he couldn’t seem to find the ability to breathe. “They don’t really like givin’ little boys to washed-up old men with a record.”

Michael tried not to get angry or emotional as he went back to his truck, tried to keep himself as Sanders drove off. He fell back in the chair and tried to ignore the choking feeling in his throat. He didn’t know what to do with that information. In fact, he hated it. He rejected it. He could process it later because, right now, it didn’t make sense. What was the point of saying all that if, for the last two decades, he’d just been lied to? 

Now what? He got all the information he could possibly get. There physically wasn’t anymore he could learn about his mother. He knew everything from Caulfield and he knew whatever firsthand account Sanders had from before that, and now what? Now he was just done?

It wasn’t enough.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, forcing him to be coherent for a few seconds as he pulled it out. It was from Alex, a message asking if he was mad at him. The simple answer was no, but he knew well enough that if he tried to get involved in a conversation with Alex right now, he would get mad. Right now, Alex was another person who was lying to him. That helped no one.

So, instead, he shoved his phone back in his pocket and headed towards the Wild Pony to drink away his feelings.

-

Alex was tired but determined as ever. 

The paper translated, loosely, into a warning that a raid was going to happen at the barn. Someone had taken the time to not only learn written alien language to communicate with them but had also warned them. It took Alex a few minutes to realize that whoever wrote it lied about the date or they themselves had been lied to. Alex didn’t know which one to believe.

But, regardless of what it was, someone had warned them. Kyle was right, though, there were a handful of symbols that couldn’t be translated. Yet, somehow, the letters M.V.C. had come through in the signature. It was a claim that they were on their side. That made exactly no sense.

Alex couldn’t wait any longer, though, and sat outside of the hospital until Kyle’s shift was over and only checked his phone to see if Michael had responded once. Cam met him there and the two of them climbed into Alex’s car without argument. He filled them in on what it said and how none of it actually made any fucking sense. If it was a lie, why would they bother mentioning M.V.C.? If it was true, was M.V.C. good? If it was good, why did his father have any part in it?

They pulled up to the Manes family home, two vehicles parked outside to show that Flint couldn’t seem to leave home. Alex almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“What’s the plan?” Cam asked as Alex watched the porch light turn on despite the fact the sun hadn’t quite set.

“We explain that we found evidence that the M.V.C. had been in contact with aliens that weren’t in captivity and that we know two of the heads of the trident, so might as well give up the other one,” Alex said.

“Okay, but what does he gain by giving us that information? We need to make it worth his while,” Cam pointed out. Alex sighed and fished the dog tags from his pocket. He knew his father and he knew that he would all but had a shrine to all the Manes men that came before him. Surely he’d take these with gracious hands.

“I got it,” Alex said.

Kyle’s hand landed on his shoulder, all but forcing Alex to give him his attention.

“You good?”

“Just tired,” Alex said, giving a small smile, “But if we figure out who the third head is, I’ll be doing great so let’s make it happen.”

“Let’s.”

The three of them got out of the car and headed for the front door. Alex had the strong urge to just let himself in, but he figured playing nice would get him a long way. So, instead, he knocked and waited.

Flint answered the door.

“What do you want, Alex?” he said, voice hushed like he was trying to warn him to leave. Alex almost felt bad for him again. But, still, he smiled. 

“I need to talk to my dad,” he said. Flint just stared at him and shook his head so subtly that Alex almost called him out for it. He wanted to call him out for it. “Okay, if you don’t want me to, maybe you can give me some answers.”

Flint closed his eyes and looked over his shoulder before stepping out of the house, closing the door behind him.

“Really?” Cam asked, “Are you that scared?” The way he looked at her said yes.

“What do you want to know?” Flint asked. Alex raised an eyebrow.

“You expect me to believe that it’s this easy?”

“I expect you to believe that he’s worse,” Flint said, giving him a look that made his blood run cold, “I don’t want you going near him. I don’t… I don’t know what the hell he’s up to, but it’s nothing good. He’s talking to old friends he hasn’t talked to since Mom left. I don’t want you getting caught up in that.”

“I’m already caught up in it,” Alex scoffed, shaking his head, “If it’s so bad, why are you still here?”

“And leave him unsupervised? Yeah, fuck that,” Flint said, eyes drifting to Cam and Kyle and then back to Alex, “You guys are tight-knit.”

“That’s none of your concern,” Alex said, “Why don’t you go ahead and tell me what you know about M.V.C.? You wouldn’t give Cam much, but that was before I had more information. So fill in some blanks for me.”

Flint had a look of near dread on his face and he tilted his head back, taking a steadying breath.

“You need to stop looking into this,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen. If it’s affecting my life, I’m not going to just stop,” Alex said. He didn’t quite elaborate that, while he could probably get out unscathed, he couldn’t do it on a good conscience. Not when being blind meant putting Michael at risk. Fuck all of that. “I know that it’s Manes and Valenti and another family. And I also know that they were in contact with aliens back in the 40s who weren’t in captivity. They warned them about the raid. Why would they do that?”

Flint looked around again, eyes going to a camera by the door that had been there since Alex was in high school. He also knew that it had no audio. He pulled out the dog tags.

“Tell me what I need to know and then bring this to dad as a consolation prize, got it?” he said. Flint shook his head.

“I don’t get you, Alex.”

“Yeah, that makes two of us,” Alex said right back, “Just tell me.”

“I don’t know how they made contact in the 40s, but I know that M.V.C. originated as an organization to help integrate aliens into American society,” Flint said, voice soft like he was scared he’d still be overheard. Alex furrowed his eyebrows. “It was started by the younger generations of our families at the time; it was supposed to be helpful.”

“How the hell did it turn into what it was, then?” Alex asked, “Because there was nothing helpful or humane about torture.”

“Yeah,” Flint said, again eyeing the camera. He tilted his head away so his lips couldn’t be read if someone were to be watching the video. “Yeah, that’s because it was taken over by the older members and changed into something else. They spent years saying that they were doing it for good, but it wasn’t. It’s not what it was meant to be and it hasn’t been for a long time.”

“And yet you’re a part of it,” Alex said blatantly. Flint looked at him and then Kyle and then Cam, each looking seeming deliberate.

“Didn’t really have a choice,” he said, “But you do.”

“I know I do,” Alex responded. Flint locked eyes with him and nodded.

“You do. You all do,” he said, slow and making more eye contact than necessary as he reached for the tags in Alex’s hand. Things seemed to click and Alex was torn between feeling absolute dread and wanting to dance on the fucking rooftops. He should’ve known. “I’ve gotta get back to Dad. Thanks for the dog tags.”

“Wait, you didn’t tell us who‒“

“Shut up, Valenti,” Cam said, voice stern. Alex managed to keep his face schooled, but he was feeling more positive than he’d had all day.

Answers were great.

“See you around, Flint,” Alex said, giving a curt nod.

“You too.”

The three of them went back to the truck and Alex waited until he started the engine and locked the doors before he let his smile show.

“Holy fuck,” Cam scoffed, sharing his smile as he put the car in reverse, “Holy fuck.”

“Am I missing something?” Kyle asked, leaning in between the front seats. Alex’s excitement kept building and he slammed his hands against the steering wheel, Cam matching the action with unbridled, uncharacteristic laughter. “Definitely missing something, did he drug you both?”

“No, you dumbass,” Cam said, voice lighter than ever as she turned to face him, “M.V.C. Manes, Valenti, Cameron.”

“Holy fuck,” Kyle joined in, shocked laughter starting to spill from him too, “So, that’s why he recruited you? And we have another avenue to find new information from people that don’t know what we know?”

“Fuck yes we do!” Alex cheered, feeling like he was going to burst. Yes. Finally. Something new. Something good. 

“Brand new generation,” Cam said, “Children of the goddamn alien revolution.”

“This is the most lively I’ve seen either of you and I love it,” Kyle laughed.

And Alex loved it too. Maybe there was a reason for why his day started off so shitty.

Otherwise, this wouldn’t have felt so fucking good.

-

“Funny seeing you here.”

“Funny indeed. Whiskey.”

Maria eyed him but poured him a glass. He downed it pretty much immediately. It burned more than he was used to considering it’d been a hot minute since he’d had anything stronger than a glass of wine on Christmas in months. Alex wasn’t exactly the type to drink a lot, so it felt like a deliberate act if he’d gone to get alcohol. And now since Rosa was staying with them, there was definitely no alcohol in the house. He’d unintentionally gotten basically sober. Who knew.

“How’s life?” Maria asked as she poured him another glass which was weird in itself. Then again, these last few weeks were probably the longest they’d gone without seeing each other in over a decade. He huffed a laugh just thinking about it.

“Depends, I guess. Somehow better than ever and also worse because everything is a lie,” he vented.

“Like what?” Maria asked, leaning towards him. Michael glanced up from his glass to her curious eyes. He wondered if she’d come around from her assumptions or if she was simply just playing nice. It seemed impossible to tell.

“Nothin’ with Alex if that’s what you’re asking.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

Maria rolled her eyes and pushed off the bar. 

“Look, the way I acted was shitty, so can we act like it didn’t happen?” Maria asked. Michael eyed her and shrugged.

“You still think me liking Alex is just a phase?” Again, she rolled her eyes.

“No, I don’t. I get it‒loving Alex is easy,” she said. He gave a pathetic little smile.

“You have no idea,” he breathed, taking another sip. Maria just watched him with a thoughtful look on her face. He tilted his head. “What?”

“You really love him.”

“I really, really love him,” Michael sighed, nodding.

“Then why kiss me? If you’ve been in love with Alex since high school, then why even look my way?” Maria wondered. Michael stared at his drink, trying to give her a reason even though he didn’t really have one. Things were weird and he didn’t even know. Now, he couldn’t imagine not going to Alex when he was sad.

And yet, he was sad now, and he’d come here instead of going home to Alex. Maybe that’s what happens when the two people who had no reason to lie were, in fact, lying.

“Me ‘n Alex are… really fucked up,” he admitted with a soft laugh, shaking his head, “Nothing goes right with us.”

“Are you still staying with him?” she asked him. Michael shrugged and nodded. “Well, if you’ve been staying with him for that long, then something’s going right.”

“Nah, it’s not like that.”

“Well, what’s it like?”

“We’re just friends.”

“Are you? Can two people who love each other like that and live in the same house and spend all their time together be just friends?” Maria asked. He looked at her for a moment.

“Yes. If you knew the rest of the context, you’d say yes too.”

“Well, then give me context,” she said. Michael furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m trying to be a good friend here.” He gave a long sigh. Was Alex home yet? Could he go and get forehead kisses and cuddles yet? Or would that involve lying too?

“Context is a hard thing to give.”

“Try me.”

Michael sighed and lulled his head back to look at her. 

“Today I learned that the only two people who I never expected to lie to me have been lying to me for a long time. Alex included,” Michael said dryly, “And that’s got me a little more than fucked up.”

“I’m sure Alex at least has a good reason,” Maria said. She didn’t seem shocked by that admission and it had Michael wondering if she knew more than she let on. He honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she did. “He cares about you, so.”

“Why do you care all the sudden?” he asked. She gave a half-hearted smile.

“I want Alex to be happy. He’s happy with you.”

“How would you know that? You’ve never seen us together.”

Maria leaned forward again. “No, but Alex is ridiculously giving. I didn’t realize just how much he actually wanted you until that day in his cabin. He was being as nice as possible, but he wasn’t going to just let you go without a fight. He wouldn’t do that for just anyone.”

Michael sighed and closed his eyes, trying to believe that. 

He somehow managed to stay until dark and, by the time he got to the cabin, it was still. The porch light was on, but Michael would bet money that Alex was already in bed. Which meant he couldn’t talk about the Sanders thing with him. He wasn’t going to dump that on him when he was all tucked in for the night. He could talk to him about all the lying in the morning.

When he let himself in, though, Alex was waiting for him in the hallway, leaning on his crutches. He blinked a couple of times before locking the door back and started heading towards the man who looked weirdly happy. Not that that was a bad thing, but it was definitely weird and it felt like an insulting juxtaposition to the way Michael felt in the moment. Michael took a step forward and Alex nodded to the couch.

Michael walked towards it and picked up the small, shiny key that was on the pillow he used when he’d slept every night on Alex’s couch. When he looked over to Alex, he was just watching him from the hallway and seeming to be deliberate with the amount of space between them.

“What’s this?” he asked, holding it up.

“A key to my house.”

“I can pick locks with my brain, you know that, right?” Michael said. But Alex didn’t react. He gave a small, controlled smile and pushed off the wall.

“I also know you like metaphors.”

Alex turned easily and disappeared into his bedroom, leaving Michael standing there and wondering why his skin felt like it was on fire. Maybe Maria was right. Maybe they weren’t just friends. Maybe they could be more. Maybe it didn’t matter that Alex was lying.

Michael followed him to bed like a lost dog, eager for something more. Something that wasn’t just lies or that completely changed the way his entire life worked. He needed Alex to be open to him. Honesty could come later.

He dropped the key in his pocket and sped up, catching Alex’s elbow as he reached the doorway. Alex turned to him easily and rested his crutches against the wall, smiling like the sun had shined just for him. Michael didn’t understand why and, the longer he stared, the more he didn’t care. He wanted to feed off of Alex’s bright mood and maybe, just maybe, make sense of the chaos in his mind.

Someone wanted him. Two people wanted him. And they were both liars. How was he supposed to feel okay about that?

“I found out the third head of the trident,” Alex said, giddy fingers dancing up Michael’s arms and landing on his neck.

“I found out who the little boy was,” Michael said back, drier than Alex as he watched him. Alex’s eyes widened with joy and a smile grew on his face.

“So that’s why you didn’t text me back,” he laughed softly, fingers fiddling with his hair, “That’s amazing, who is he? Did you call him or go see him? What’d you learn? Oh my God, honestly, I feel like we’ve finally just‒”

Michael silenced him with a kiss. He didn’t want to talk. The more they talked, the more it would become apparent that Alex wasn’t going to be honest about everything. He was keeping that goddamn piece from him and it was getting harder to justify now that he knew everyone was capable of lying to him for years.

“Michael,” Alex said as he pulled away with a soft gasp, eyes wide, “We should probably‒”

“I don’t want to talk,” Michael said. Alex searched his eyes.

“You’ve been drinking,” he pointed out. Michael took a heavy breath and rolled his eyes.

“I’m not drunk and I don’t want to talk.”

Alex, his excitement not seeming to fade, just surged forward for another kiss. He was all smiles as he did so. Clearly, his judgment was clouded by his joy. Michael found himself ungodly jealous of that. 

Instead of expressing that, he tried to walk Alex back a step only to discover that it was a little bit harder when he only had one leg to work with at the moment. So, instead, Michael’s hands went to the back of his thighs and he lifted him with ease. Laughter bubbled out of the airman, something that hadn’t been there since he was a teenager. He was so, so happy. And still fucking lying.

Michael took him to the bed, kissing him a little rougher each time his smile skewed the kiss that preceded it. He slammed the door closed with his telekinesis, locking it mentally before easily moving Alex up so his head hit pillows. Again, he laughed and Michael silenced him with his tongue.

“I missed this,” Alex breathed as Michael started stripping him, desperate to escalate things so that maybe, just maybe, he could stop thinking, “I missed you.”

Michael broke contact just long enough to rid himself of his shirt and he looked down at Alex, seeing him still smiling up at him like this was okay. Like nothing was wrong. Like everything was great. How did something like that make him so angry and so happy at the same time?

He stopped looking at his face, instead of moving to tear Alex’s sweats and boxers off him completely. It was a little sloppy, a little reckless, and Alex just kept laughing like this was funny. Michael didn’t get why this was funny. What was so funny about sleeping with someone you were lying to? 

Alex grabbed him, pulling him back up so they face to face. He still had his jeans and his boots on, but Alex was bare and he didn’t seem to be phased by that. He was just comfortable with it in a way he had never been. He pulled Michael in for a kiss, one that was soft and slow and he refused to let Michael set the pace for. He held him that kiss, calloused fingers caressing his cheek and forcing him to calm down. Forcing his mind to shut up.

“I love you,” Alex said against his lips, his fingers sliding into his hair while his other hand dragged up and down his spine. Part of him wanted to cry. A bigger part of him wanted to empty his mind even more.

“Love you too,” Michael said back, pushing himself up and onto his knees to unbuckle his belt. Alex’s hands went to help him.

For a moment, he wondered what this meant.

But then, he realized, it didn’t fucking matter. Nothing did.

[ugdigital]

DEE ROZE: A RESURGENCE LIKE NO OTHER

Depending on who you ask, many will agree that R&B music has been at a disadvantage for quite some time. A lot of the formula many had grown used to throughout the years has been lost in the process. Most will agree that you just don’t get a lot of the same quality anymore when it comes to the new projects we see. Surely, a lot of that has much to do with the “microwave society” that has resulted within the music industry. It no longer takes as much work to put together a project and get it out to music fans. Most artists are handling the entire process of recording, producing, so on and so forth, so they don’t have producers and engineers and A&R in their ears, saying this is good and this is bad. It’s mostly up to the artist now to make all the decisions when it comes to what the fans get, and unfortunately, the industry has suffered as a whole. 

It’s always a joy when I come across an artist who actually gets it, and lives by the process that existed some time ago and we had all become used to. With this feature, we’re thrilled to introduce you R&B Singer & Songwriter Dee Roze. He’s worked steady over the past few years at building a solid reputation and following for himself as a new artist. His recently collaboration with the ladies of June’s Diary has definitely broadened his reach with music fans, and many are now anticipating music from him. Currently working on his debut album, he’s tiding fans over with his remake of R. Kelly’s classic album 12 Play. We recently had some time to talk about that undertaking, as well as the process of recording and organizing his official debut to the world. 

Dee Roze: I wanted to say it’s a privilege to be on the call with you brother. I really appreciate it. 

James: No problem at all. As I listened to your music, and listened to some of the songs you’ve remade, like R. Kelly’s and Part Time Lover from H-Town. You make mention of the people who have come before you. Who were some of the people you came up listening to when building your own style?  

Dee Roze: I go back as far as James Brown, Luther, Donnie Hathaway, and down the line to Stevie, R. Kelly, and Babyface. I pattern my writing after them because they had a blueprint of what works. That genre of music - I’ve been on tour with those guys and I see the money that comes in from it. People get sidetracked with the rap because that’s what gets pushed to the commercial outlets, but R&B and Soul makes a lot of money. You and I see that these guys are selling out. 

James: I think the reason this genre good, especially artists like Keith Sweat, and so on, they offered so much substance. You can see the difference when yo stand it up against what comes out today. It’s not to put anyone down, but the facts are there to see. There was a song you were doing on YouTube, and while I can’t remember the name of it, I could hear the passion in your voice. You remind me of the greats of the nineties like K-Ci and JoJo. It’s a good thing that you have more of an old soul. What goes into putting together your music?

Dee Roze: I definitely like to piggyback off K-Ci, because he’s my closest brother in this industry, and Fantasia would be my closest sister in this. He’s a king for allowing me to do that. In my process, I don’t write down anything. I turn the music on and it just pours out. I’ll reveal it all when we start moving around more. Music speaks to me in a different language. Just like on one of June’s Diary’s songs, I didn’t write. Sometimes I don’t even have a track - I just go. 

James: I certainly get it man. I think there’s a lot of people like you and I who just get it. For a lot of artists, this is all just a hustle, versus it being “life” for you. It’s in your heart. Where does your inspiration come from?

Dee Roze: I think Kristal and I have talked about it. I had to come to the conclusion and be humble that I was chosen for this. And God is using me as a vessel. It’s my purpose. It’s what I was put here to do. I don’t go through infidelity or drama, but I can look at everyone else’s life and put it out like I’m actually going through it. I have to be able to display that. It’s just like the song “Black Man”, I wasn’t even going to do it. I did a project called “12 Play Again”, which was based on R. Kelly’s album. Bad Man was not going to be remade, but there was a kid who was killed in Philly by the police. That night, I was recording something else. Kristal came in and told me about that, and it just came to me to rewrite Bad Man and we did the video the next day. I always allow God to use me. To people’s defense, if they’re not on that beat, they don’t understand what’s going on, or how this dude sound this good. I’m sure the greats like Marvin Gaye went through their trials, but I keep going and trusting God. Don’t get it wrong, I am a street guy, but I roll with God. 

James: I get it man. A lot of us have both sides to offer, and it just shows who you are. The track stood out to me vocally. Obviously you’re still growing, but I felt the track was good. On the YouTube video, you were explaining how you specifically wanted to do twenty-one tracks for your album. Why was that?

Dee Roze: I wanted like a two-sided album. I wanted up-tempos, the club joints, and then the more old school side. I put certain R&B joints on there with hip-hop joints. 

James: I think it’s good to have your album in this way, especially when it allows you to perform it LIVE with a band. What’s the album timeline?

Dee Roze: I have a few songs that’s out. Right now, considering I was in a group for a while, I’m building a brand as a solo artist. Thank God my cousin Cam came along. He really hit the ground running with building my brand. Thank God I received the placement with June’s Diary. I have a few other collaborations that will be coming out. I’m just building my brand. 

James: This is great man. You’re humble, and you’re doing the groundwork. The placement with June’s Diary is perfect because your journey mirrors there. You both have worked hard to get to where you are. 

Dee Roze: Right. I’ve never been the type to piggyback off my wife. I get a lot of throwback saying I’m holding her back, and so forth. I stay out of her business, but when she rings that bell, I show up and show out for my baby. Kristal is a bold lady. She can stand on her own. She handles her business, and we have a mutual agreement of trust and honor in our relationship. 

James: I think you’re doing amazing things. You have a great product. In the past I’ve been pretty critical with rising artists, and I can see where you’ve put in the work. I think you’ll go very far. What do you want people to get from your album?

Dee Roze: I want people to love again, make love, and start a new generation of a different thought process. I want people to be in love and have joy. My music is for everybody. I haven’t even gotten into the process of what it’s going to be. I listen to Bruno Mars; I listen to The Weeknd, but you hit it dead on the nail on the head with R. Kelly. It took me redoing 12 Play to realize I wasn’t tripping. I was re-recording the greatest artist of all times. I saw the LIVE show for two years and we started building a relationship. We had the same manager, and then we started playing ball together. We were going to the studio together until everything started happening. I’m praying for that brother and everybody involved. 

James: I think it’s great again man. Where can people find you online?

Dee Roze: Well again, my name is Dee Roze. If you just google my name, my music is on all platforms. I also have a website that’s being worked on, and it’ll be back up in a few weeks, and I’m on Instagram. Cam is great. He literally left his house in North Carolina and came to Atlanta with me. 

James: I get it man. It’s all part of the hustle and the journey. Not many people will do that, so it’s great you have him. He was willing to take that leap, and honestly those are usually the ones who make it first. He’s taking that sacrifice, and it’ll definitely help your career. You have the perfect persona for this industry and I believe you’ll do well. I’m so appreciative for you guys. Are there any type of final comments?

Dee Roze: Please continue to support my beautiful wife Kristal and her group June’s Diary, my uncle Frank, who has given me a lifeline of opportunity, and I’m blessed to help these ladies continue fulfilling their dreams. We’re off to the races man! It’s a blessing!

[agwitow]

Hey there's two parts to this. My first question is How do you handle writer’s block? Writing can be an emotionally draining and stressful pursuit. Any tips for aspiring writers? Bonus Question How do you deal with emotional impact of a book (on yourself) as you are writing the story?

Hi Nonny, thanks for asking!

Okay, so... I have thoughts about this, and that might make this answer a bit, uh, longer... than you were expecting. Sorry in advance if you were wanting something quick.

Right, so. Writer’s Block. The boogeyman of writers everywhere. We hear people complain about it all the time, there are tons of guides to beating it (I’m even writing an entire book about getting yourself unstuck when it strikes), and everyone will likely give you a different answer as to why it happens and how to beat it.

To my way of thinking, this is because there are several different types of writer’s block. Too Many Ideas, or Not Enough Ideas, or Mental/Physical Exhaustion, or Written Into a Corner, or Bogged Down By Details, or Missed A Step

1. Too Many Ideas

While this might not sound like it’s all that bad of a thing (how can a creative type have too many ideas?), it can actually be really frustrating to deal with. Sometimes it means you keep getting ideas for new projects, and sometimes it means you keep getting new ideas to squeeze into your current project, and then sometimes it means you keep thinking up different ways to tell the current story.

Ugh. Well. Silver lining, your creative juices are certainly flowing. But that doesn’t help you get any writing done.

So if you’ve got this type of writer’s block, the best way I’ve found to deal with it is to have a notebook or word doc (or something along those lines) to jot down all the ideas as the come to you. You can even have a separate document for the ideas that pertain specifically to your current project. But the trick here is that as soon as you write the idea down, you push it aside and ignore it.

This can be hard to do at first. New ideas are soooo shiny that you can’t help but want to play with them. So it can help if you set aside a bit of time every week to go over all the ideas you’ve jotted down. Just make sure it’s a time that’s distinct from your writing time. Once you’ve gotten into the habit of this, then the flurry of ideas will no longer hinder your writing.

Alternatively, you can try channeling all that extra creativity into another art form. Especially something big and messy ;) 

2. Not Enough Ideas

When people talk about experiencing writer’s block, they’re usually thinking it’s because you don’t know what to do next in your story (i.e., that you don’t have enough ideas), but this is actually pretty rare. Usually you’ve hit that block because of one of the other items on this list.

But, when it is because the well has run dry (so to speak), then it’s like trying to start a car with a dead battery. And just like that, you need to grab some jumper cables and give it a boost.

Do some yoga, go for a walk, listen to music, watch the clouds drift by, go stargazing, get your heart pumping, read poems that make you cry.

Basically, you need to shake things up. Drag yourself out of the rut you’ve found yourself in by doing things non-writing related. Not only is that good for your general health, it’ll recharge your creativity.

3. Mental/Physical Exhaustion

This type of writer’s block has probably become the most common over the last year or so. It is dang hard to be creative when you are mentally and/or physically drained. This can come about because of stress, lack of sleep (literal exhaustion), pain, injury, illness, or lack of self-care.

The most important thing with this type of writer’s block is to remember that it’s okay to take a break. Your mental and physical health is more important than completing a writing goal.

Give yourself the space to rest, and your creativity will return.

4. Written Into a Corner

Let me tell you, I’ve fallen into this one a lot. It sucks, and it can take awhile to figure out why it’s such a struggle to write. It usually happens when you are determined to have a specific event or sequence of events play out in your story, but your subconscious is recognizing that the scene/event/storyline doesn’t fit.

If you can’t seem to figure out how to connect your current scene to where you need to go next, then it’s very possible that you should remove the current scene entirely, or completely rewrite/change it.

You might think this only applies to pantsers (people who write without having an outline first), but it happens to plotters just as frequently. It’s not about a lack of planning, it’s about not realizing that the way you’re forcing the story doesn’t match with some other part of it. Maybe because of extra world building, or research, or character development, or lines of dialogue three chapters back, but whatever the reason, it’s made the current scene not-quite-fit.

This is okay. It’s not a failure of planning or creativity or you as a writer. It just happens sometimes.

Go back a scene or two and rethink how to get to the next plot point. Can you rework the troublesome scene? Do you need to remove it? Replace it with something else entirely? Whatever the solution, it’s okay. Your story will be better for it.

5. Bogged Down By Details

Along the same line as the previous one, this kind of writer’s block often leaves you unsure of how to progress to the next scene. The difference here is that this time it’s because you let the narrative point of the scene become lost in the minutiae. Maybe it’s a big info-dump, or maybe you let the characters get sidetracked by sightseeing, or maybe some random supporting character has been elevated to having a three-page monologue.

Whatever the cause, you’ve tried to cram too much information into the scene and now it feels weird to connect it to the next one.

Read over the scene and identify what information absolutely needs to be there for the story to progress. Is there any information that doesn’t need to be there, but is good set-up for something later? Keep those bits. Everything else you need to cut.

Yup. Sorry.

If you really like the information or dialogue or what-have-you, save it and see if you can work it in to other parts of the story in small bits. A little extra world building here and there can really make a story feel alive. It’s when there is too much in one spot that it becomes a problem. 

6. Missed A Step

This one is almost the opposite of the last two points. Instead of having too much, or conflicting information, you’re missing something. For me, this is usually a rewrite/edit writer’s block phenomenon, but I’m sure there are lots of writers who experience it during their first draft too.

Basically, in your hurry to get from point A to C, you forgot all about B. Whoops!

If you’re writing (or editing) and the scene feels disconnected or like you’re having to do a lot of flashback-style inserts to get the reader up to speed, then you probably need to add something to a previous scene, or add a new scene altogether.

Usually this one (at least for me) doesn’t feel as much of a ‘block’ as the other types, but more like I can’t move forward until something is resolved. That something being the missing info/scene.

So yup... there are different types of Writer’s Block, and how you deal with it depends on what type it is. You might find that you experience one type more than the others, or that you experience a different type that I didn’t describe (in which case, please share). However you are facing off against writer’s block, just remember that it isn’t the end of the world. It’s just a sign that something needs to change.

As far as tips for aspiring writers go, I’ve answered a couple of different asks about that sort of thing before, so (to keep this from being monstrously long) check those out.

For your bonus question... I just let myself cry when I need to, or bounce around after the scene is written, and/or do some light sparring with my partner to work out the anger/stress afterwards.

Emotionally charged scenes are rough, but so rewarding. Keep on writing ‘em :)

Thanks again for asking!

xoxo