#i just wish the original was less blurry

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

[etherealising]

one | christmas (baby please come home)

pairing(s): carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader | fem!reader x original male character | the bear x fem!reader

synopsis: you reunite with carmy at the berzatto family christmas, five years after your falling out.

warning(s): angst | fluff | pining | semi-unrequited love | minimally edited

wc: 7.8k

READER HAS A NICKNAME BUT OTHERWISE AMBIGUOUS

A quiet Christmas playlist drifted through the confines of the house as three friends sat gathered around the kitchen table spending much-needed time together catching up while building gingerbread houses, the various glasses of wine shared between the three of them lowering their inhibitions. 

“Baby! You’re not even looking at the camera.” Natalie’s slurred words caused a fit of giggles to spill out of you as you held up your dilapidated gingerbread house whatever artistic skills you possessed washed away with all the wine swishing through your bloodstream. 

You positioned yourself once more smiling at Nat’s phone as you held the slowly crumbling house, Pete instinctively leaned over to join you for the photo only for his reindeer antler headband to poke you in the eye. Both of you fell into a fit of hysterics as Nat giggled behind her phone most likely snapping blurry photos. 

None of you could be sure how you’d gotten to the point of being wine-drunk on Christmas Eve. The celebrations began when Nat and Pete picked you up from the airport earlier that morning, the three of you deciding on a quiet night in with a home-cooked meal, followed by a night of Christmas festivities courtesy of Pete which you could never turn down especially when seeing how excited he always got. You remembered Natalie listing off her worries for tomorrow’s dinner as she poured the three of you wine, that first glass somehow turned into two empty wine bottles in no time as the three of you enjoyed each other’s company. 

“Wait, wait we’ve got to get a picture in our matching pjs!” Pete was by far the most sober of the three of you and that was probably how he won the game of rock, paper, scissors that forced you into wearing the set of Christmas pajamas he bought you that were a replica of the ones he and Nat currently had on.

You shook your head immediately, not wanting any more photo evidence of this night, especially knowing Nat was probably sending these pictures to Mikey who would most definitely never let you live down matching with the married couple. “I think we have more than enough pictures.” The words felt heavy as they rolled around on your tongue and you couldn't help but giggle at how slow you felt like you were speaking.

Nat moved around the table to your side wrapping her arms around your neck as she leaned her chin against your shoulder and her cheek pressed into yours. “Pretty please Baby, we only get to do fun things like this a couple times a year when you visit.” She moved her face away to give what you assumed were supposed to be puppy dog eyes but was really just her concentrating extremely hard. “If you love me you’ll do it.” 

You rolled your eyes pretending to be put out by the married couple, not wanting them to know just how much fun you were actually having. While you were thankful for your success and the career you built up for yourself, that meant that you spent the majority of your time traveling and working, and while it was nice to see the world, sometimes you wished you could take more than a quick beat for visits like these. You hadn’t visited Chicago as much as you would’ve liked since moving to the West Coast, which meant you saw less and less of the family that made you one of their own all those years ago. You watched as Nat and Pete struggled to set up the phone in the living room for the group photo, giggling at how they seemed to feed off of each other as though they shared a single brain cell between the two of them.

Nat waved you over once they got the phone set up, “Oh! We should do like one of those awkward photo shoots.” 

You groaned, shaking your head back and forth while Pete stood next to you aggressively nodding his head in approval, the two of them were so goofy together you’re unsure why you ever thought you’d have an actual choice in how this unprofessional impromptu photo shoot was going to go. While you may’ve been inebriated that didn’t mean you were on board with every decision the two were making, but you also loved them too much to tell them no, and as you watched them excitedly try to figure out what pose to go with you figured you could feed into their inherent goofiness just this once in the spirit of Christmas.

Carmy stood in the kitchen of his childhood home watching as his mom prepared for Christmas dinner the following day, vehemently refusing any help when he offered it up but forcing him to keep her company and recount all of his culinary adventures as she worked.

He watched his mom move around the kitchen in an organized frenzy, talking to herself at points when she listed off what needed to be done next. Carmy could already see the weight of the looming festivities hanging heavy over her head, stressing her out before the day even began. While he understood and appreciated her love for food and cooking probably more than anyone considering she fostered that same love and appreciation within him when it came to the culinary arts, he always wondered why she insisted on cooking family dinner every year if it always ended in a mess.

“Oh fuck me!” The loud expletive forced Carmy from the recesses of his mind as he stared in his mother’s direction. “Carm honey, do me a favor and finish decorating the fireplace, the box of decorations is already out there.” 

Carmy stood there a minute longer trying to compute the fact that his culinary excellence was being disregarded and he was being put on decorating duty, “Carmen. Can you do it or do I have to do every fucking thing myself?” 

“No, uh yeah I got it.” He met his mother’s eyes nodding his head up and down in acquiesce, to let her know he had it under control.

She shooed him out of the kitchen returning to her food prep before he even made to move to the living room. Carmy quickly found the box of decorations exactly where his mom said it would be, the house was abnormally quiet he assumed Mikey was at The Beef but he couldn’t be sure he had no need to be near the sandwich shop at the moment and Sug moved out ages ago so here he was stuck in his childhood home with nothing better to do than decorate the fireplace mantle.

Carmy knew however he decorated the mantle his mom would just come behind him and fix it to her liking, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try. Maybe if he got it close enough to how she liked she would have to do less fixing. He was surprised to find how calming decorating the mantle was, but maybe that was only because he didn’t care to impress anyone with his subpar decorating skills.

Reaching into the box Carmy pulled out the stockings each one designated to one of the Berzatto siblings. He easily hung the stockings onto the hooks on the mantle before reaching in for the last one, embroidered with a name he was sure he hadn’t seen in far too long a time. Carmy was foolish to think that because he ruined the friendship between the two of you that his family would disregard your whole existence over his mistakes. 

Carmy remembered how hard he tried for the first couple of months after he’d left to get into contact with you, to try and let you know just how sorry he was and how much he missed your friendship…missed you. If you ever gave him the chance, he was sure he’d spend his whole life apologizing for that moment. 

That night would haunt him forever, and his mind made sure of it, the worst moment of his life was on a constant loop anytime he got a moment of calm and quiet. Which wasn’t often but they happened enough for the hurt and pain on your face from that night to be permanently seared into his mind. And when it wasn’t memories of the way the moonlight illuminated the tears running down your face from that night, it was the overwhelming guilt that weighed on him for ever speaking to you that way.

Carmy’s hand traced across the embroidered thread of your name as though passing over it enough times would permanently thread the letters into his skin. He hesitated, unsure if they still hung the stocking long after you moved, a moment passed before he decided he would hang it if only just to catch a glimpse of something that reminded him of you. Carmy maneuvered the other stockings around in order to make space for yours trying to ignore the warmth that filled his chest at the sight of your name hanging directly next to his. 

He was pulled from his daze as his phone vibrated multiple times in rapid succession, he pulled the device out of his back pocket unsurprised to find Nat blowing up the sibling's group chat, plus Richie courtesy of Mikey. He was ready to shove the phone back in his pocket when a message coming through from Richie caught his eye, his heart sped up a bit as he read it before it disappeared off of his screen. 

Carmy was positive he had never opened the sibling's group chat as fast as he did at that moment. Opening the text chain he frowned at the assortment of pictures above Richie’s message doing his best to figure out what the hell he was looking at. The first few pictures were of Pete and Nat and as much as he loved his sister he wasn’t interested in seeing either of them. His thumb began swiping through the photos rapidly unsure why anyone would take so many photos of the same things over and over again. Carmy found himself stopping on one picture in particular, a picture that was neither Sug nor Pete, but presumably, the person who took the previous pictures of the couple. 

There you were. 

Smiling so wide it almost looked painful, a glow to your skin that made Carmy unsure if it was from the phone camera or if you were actually glowing. The picture was blurry but for the most part, he could make out your features, he would recognize you anywhere even after all the time spent apart he would be able to pick you out of a crowd with no trouble at all. That’s how deeply you were ingrained into his brain even if the last time he saw you was when you were a fresh high school graduate.

He scrolled once more the side of his lips ticking up at the same photo this time just a lot clearer, he absentmindedly saved the photo to his phone before resuming his viewing. Carmy’s eyes were always drawn to you when you were in any of the photos, at some point he began disregarding Sug and Pete entirely, giving you his full attention. He couldn’t help the quiet chuckle as he scrolled through all the shenanigans the three of you got up to saving another individual shot of you in front of the Christmas tree in Christmas-themed pajamas with matching socks and a headband with two candy canes in the shape of a heart. The sight of you smiling directly at the camera made it seem as though you were looking directly at him, a blush rose to Carmy’s cheeks at how pathetic it was for him to get so worked up over a few photos of you. He looked at the last photo a moment longer before realization dawned on him, his eyes quickly shot from his phone screen to the stocking he hung up. 

Carmy scrolled through the recently sent messages he missed after staring at the pictures of you so long gathering enough information to confirm his suspicions. He quickly turned on his heel before heading back into the kitchen.

“Yo ma,” she gave a distracted hum which was enough for him to begin his line of questioning. “Is uh…does Baby still come to family Christmas?” 

The older woman stopped what she was doing turning to face her youngest son with the most egregious ‘are you fucking stupid’ look Carmy received in a while. “Do I bust my ass every year preparing seven fishes that nobody ever fucking appreciates or eats?” 

Carmy was unsure if it was a trick question but as his mom raised her eyebrows awaiting an answer he realized there in fact was a right answer, “Yes?”

She shook her head looking him up and down as if he were a stranger “I don’t know what’s gotten into you Carmen, it’s like you're from a whole different fucking planet. Of course, the girl comes to Christmas, we're the only family she’s got left.” She stopped speaking to pull out the pack of cigarettes she kept on her slipping one between her lips before speaking around it. “And you would fuckin’ know that if you came home once in a while Bear.” 

Carmy nodded his head ignoring the last sentence as he let the information settle in, he would be seeing you face to face for the first time since high school, and the two of you would be in the same for hourse. He took his chance to slip out of the kitchen as his mother turned back to finish her prepping. He needed some time to himself to try not to work himself into a frenzy as he thought about what tomorrow would bring.

The Berzatto family home looked exactly as you left it all those years ago, the only noticeable difference was the Christmas decorations but other than that it was still your bonus home, the home you spent as much if not more time in than your own home. 

The home you grew up in sat just right across the street, a family of three began renting it a year after you left for college and although it was weird to think that another family was living in the home that would always hold a piece of you, you were just happy to rent it out to a loving family. You’d try to find the time and bring them a goodie basket or something, you always sent holiday cards, but now that you were in town you could meet them properly. 

You stood at the trunk of your rental car staring at the array of wrapped presents trying to decide if you should bring them all in now or just wait. Your eyes fell on the matte black sleek box, the last-minute gift cost more than it would’ve if you bought it ahead of time, you bit your lip the longer you stared at it only now feeling uncertain about the unwarranted gift.

“You sure you’re up for this?” The voice came from your side, Hayden leaned against the car as he watched you stare at the box as though it personally wronged you.

A small sigh escaped you as you turned to face him, arms crossing over your chest “Not really, no but I come home every Christmas and I can’t stop just because he happens to be in town.” Hayden looked at you like he knew you were lying but decided against mentioning it. “Thanks for coming with me by the way, I know it was last minute…how you holding up?”

Hayden shrugged before looking straight ahead, “Well my best friend has been sleeping with my wife for the better part of a year, and said wife served me divorce papers two days before Christmas so.” His voice trailed off as he gave you a sarcastic smile. “But I would say you’re having a worse day than me so it makes me feel a bit better.”

You frowned, not entirely understanding what he was getting at, causing him to roll his eyes, “Oh c’mon Baby, the kid you’ve been in love with our whole lives is home for Christmas, the two of you never even dated mind you. He broke your heart years ago and for some reason, you’re still in love with the idiot but won’t pick up the phone to tell him, and all of your relationships have failed because you’re too stuck living in the past.”

“I should’ve left your ass at home wallowing in self-pity.” 

Hayden’s lips pulled into a sardonic smile as he tipped his head to you. “Well now we can wallow in self-pity together, you can stay out here in the cold looking at that stupid box, but I’ll be in that warm house drinking all of Miss Berzatto’s good liquor.” 

The front door opening drew both of your attention, your heads swiveled to watch Mikey exit the house and begin making his way to you, a frown lined his face as his eyes landed on Hayden by your side confused at the extra guest you brought with you.

“Why the fuck are the two of you standing out here in the cold.” Mikey’s gruff voice felt like a balm for the doubt that was beginning to eat away at you from Hayden’s unwelcome reality check.

Hayden moved quicker than you anticipated, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into his side. “Oh you know just reminding our girl here that love sucks and it's all a fucking illusion because no matter how much you love someone they’ll always end up fucking your pseudo brother.” 

Mikey’s confusion was evident as his eyebrows pinched together even more, his eyes darted between the two of you mouth opening to speak only to quickly close as you shook your head back and forth as subtly as possible.

“Hey, is your mom drinking yet?” Hayden’s question earned a hesitant nod from Mikey who was unsure if providing her a drinking partner was the best thing to do. “Great…great, well merry fucking Christmas!” Hayden pressed a gentle kiss into your temple before moving to head into the house, clapping Mikey on the shoulder as he went by. 

Mikey moved to stand next to you, the both of you watching the train wreck of a man head into the Berzatto household. “What the fuck is up with that kid?” Mikey turned to look at you trying to figure out exactly what kind of mess you brought to family Christmas.

“Sasha’s leaving him.” You watched as understanding washed over Mikey’s face a small nod following as he put two and two together at Hayden’s weirder-than-usual behavior. Mikey opened his mouth to give you shit about bringing the insufferable kid with you only stopping as you spoke over him. “He’s good people, Mikey, I just didn’t want him alone on Christmas.”

Mikey didn’t have an argument for that. As irritating as Hayden could be he found himself indifferent towards the kid you called friend. Mikey was loathed to admit it and he would deny it if anyone ever asked him, but he had a secret appreciation for the kid, Hayden was there for you during a tough time in your life, he was there for you when you needed a friend or someone in your corner who wasn’t directly connected to the youngest Berzatto and for that, Mikey respected the kid, but it's not like he’d ever tell you or him that. 

“Let me look at you,” Mikey’s voice broke through the quiet that had settled over the two of you, your eyes flashed to his face taking in the facial hair he'd decided to grow out. “All fucking grown up ain’t you. Can we still call you Baby or you too grown for that shit now?” 

You rolled your eyes at the joke Mikey made every time you came home before turning and grabbing your bag from where you sat it in the trunk, leaving the gifts behind and moving to walk towards the house with Mikey, “As much as I regret the nickname I’m not sure if I could get used to hearing you all call me by my first name again.” 

Mikey chuckled at your words, hand moving out to grab your elbow and stop you from continuing ahead. “Relax out here with me for a bit yeah?”

A frown lined your face as Mikey stopped in front of you, you could tell he had ulterior motives for stopping you, his hand moving to take the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket before lifting it to his mouth and lighting it. 

“You uh, you know your little boyfriends in that house right?” 

Your nose scrunched up at Mikey’s words, you could hear the teasing tone in his voice as he spoke but that didn’t mean his words didn’t make your chest ache. Of course, you knew he was here, but not until a week after you booked your flight and Nat gave you some bullshit excuse about how she just didn’t know he was coming home for Christmas. You were upset with her and rightfully so but Pete somehow still talked you into coming and so here you were pretending like seeing Carmy after so long didn’t matter, pretending like you hadn’t teared up on the drive over with your face turned to the window as Hayden drove, quietly reliving every vile word Carmy spewed at you that night in your head. Pretending as though you didn’t carry his words along with the hurt they caused within you for years like they didn’t change the way you viewed yourself and took up space in other people’s lives, maybe Hayden’s observation about you carrying the past around was more factual than you once thought. 

And it didn’t matter that he tried getting back in contact with you his first year in California or that he sent flowers and a card when your mom passed saying he’d come home if you needed him to. None of it mattered because it would never make up for the underlying truth in his cold, cruel words from all those years ago.  

Mikey’s eyes darted around your face watching the small changes in your expression knowing you were thinking about the past, his cigarette halfway gone as he lost you to the inner workings of your mind. He took another puff before letting it fall from his fingertips and stomping it out, the tears lining your eyes forced him to move faster as he tucked you into his chest listening to you struggle to breathe as you fought to keep the sobs from wracking through your body.

“Shh, shh, you’re okay. You can leave right now if you need to and no one has to know you were here.” His hand raised to stroke your head as he gently rocked the two of you back and forth. “Hayden will understand.” 

You pressed your forehead into his chest as you willed yourself to calm down not wanting to make it obvious you’d been crying once the two of you made your way inside although it was probably already too late for that. 

“Why does it still hurt Mikey?”

A deep sigh raised the older man's chest at your words, his hands fell to your biceps gently pulling you away from him. The look Mikey gave you said it all, a look that forced you to face a truth you’d been running from for the past five years. Creating a new life and pretending as though whatever misguided feelings you held towards Carmy were just that of a childhood crush. 

It still hurt because you never stopped loving him.

You were thankful Mikey didn’t speak the words aloud unlike Hayden, you’d already been lectured by him countless times on this subject, Richie even jumped in from time to time to express his discontent. No one could understand why you held onto your feelings for Carmy so strongly knowing firsthand how much pain and anguish they caused you. You were scolded plenty of times about holding onto all that hurt, being told to either let it all go or talk to Carmy. You couldn’t bring yourself to do either of those things. 

But you couldn’t keep living in your head and feeding into the fairytale of you and Carmy forever. You had to move on with your life at some point, and even though Hayden was correct that one moment from your past kept ruining your future, at this point, you were doing it to yourself. Although it was painful and it took some time, the broken record of Carmy’s words from that night five years ago made it just a bit easier. 

“Baby,” Mikey paused on his words trying to find the right thing to say he felt torn every time this topic came up. You were a little sister to him, he viewed you in the same way he viewed Nat. He wanted the best for you, but this wasn’t it and the both of you knew it. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself? I’m not saying you should forgive Carm m’ just sayin’ holdin’ on to all this hurt isn’t doing you any good.” He watched as you looked away from him, the realization clear on your face, Mikey could read you so well he knew you were tired of carrying the grief of that dead friendship around with you. His hands reached out to cup your face the rough pads of his thumb tenderly caressing your squished cheeks. “You’re finally in the same place after all this time, figure this shit out for both of your sakes.” 

An exhausted sigh escaped your lips as you fought the urge to come up with some lame excuse as to why now wasn’t the right time, but there’d never be a right time for the two of you. 

You wrapped your arms around Mikey’s waist once more needing the warm strong bear hugs he always provided to help calm yourself down enough to be prepared to face everyone, but also to signal you were done with this conversation entirely. You pulled out of Mikey’s grip as he gave you a look seemingly asking if you were okay, you nodded in answer, relaxing into him as he pressed a gentle kiss onto the skin of your forehead.

“Alright, let's get you inside before mom comes out here and cusses me out for keeping you in the cold.” Mikey’s hands rubbed up and down your arms to provide you with the much-needed body heat.

A genuine laugh left your lips knowing Mikey’s words were closer to the truth than one might think. Mikey moved to turn around and begin walking to the door but was forced to stop as you reached out to grab his hand. “I uh, I got you something.” 

His eyebrows raised in question, “Awe you didn’t have to get me nothin’.” You rolled your eyes rummaging through your bag for the two presents and holding them out to him once you found them, chuckling as you watched him place his hands over his heart mockingly. You knew Mikey didn’t do well when it came to sentimental moments and the best you would get out of him was a joke as opposed to anything else. 

You smiled holding the heavier of the gifts out to him first, “I wanted to Mikey, don’t think of this as a gift, think of it uhh…as a show of appreciation yeah?” You nodded, feeling your face warm as you let your eyes dart around so you didn’t have to watch his reaction.

Mikey smiled, finding your shyness endearing before tearing into the neatly wrapped paper and revealing a frame, his hands engulfed it from end to end. He smiled at it before you saw confusion etch across his face, “This is great Baby, yeah but uh what the fuck am I looking at?”

You shoved his shoulder before laughing at him and grabbing the frame out of his hands holding it in front of your chest, the glass facing him so he could still see its contents, “It's a trademark certification you dumbass, can’t you fucking read Mikey.” You joked to try and underestimate how big of a gift this was.

Mikey’s brows furrowed before he snatched the frame out of your hands to get a better look at the certificate sitting behind the glass, eyes snapping back up to your face with a look you couldn’t read. You shuffled your feet feeling like you overstepped a boundary you didn’t even know was between you and Mikey, “Don’t worry though I-I, put it in your name, I didn’t trademark it for myself or anything. I just remember how much you all used to talk about this, and I'm not sure if it's something you still want but I…I just wanted you to know I still believe in you. And I…I know how tough shit is lately and I promise I didn’t mean to step on your toes but…Mikey, you deserve good things too okay?” 

You could hear your long-winded explanation become more emotional by the minute but you needed Mikey to know how loved and appreciated he was. He was a big brother to you, always by your side whenever you needed him, he saw you through all the bullshit with Carmy and helped you to get through your mom's death. And when you were hellbent on throwing whatever little future you didn’t think you had left away he was right there with you pushing you to see just how much you deserved to get out of this godforsaken city and make something of yourself. 

“You deserve so much in this world Mikey, and I wish I could give it to you. But you need to know how much I believe in you and how much I love you, I’m always in your corner,” you paused trying to choke back another round of tears. “And Mikey I…I don’t think I would be here right now if it wasn’t for y-.” 

Before you could get another word out you were once again trapped in his comforting embrace, the both of you taking every bit of love and comfort the other offered in that moment. Mikey’s head tucked into your neck as you felt his uneasy breathing through your hands clutched around him. He wasn’t the type to get emotional in front of other people, and feeling a tear of his smear against your cheek as he raised his head from your neck and settled his bearded cheek against yours, you weren’t sure if you had done the right thing by giving him the gift or not.

The two of you stood in silence as you allowed Mikey to have this moment, not wanting to make him feel insecure about you being present while his emotions ran high. When he finally pulled away you could see the leftover sheen in his eyes. He tucked the framed certificate under his arm as both his hands reached up to grab your face, his eyes found yours, 

“Thank you, Baby,” the words were spoken so quietly you were surprised you caught onto them a small imperceptible nod of your head directed at him as you gave him a tearful smile. Mikey placed a kiss on your forehead before he grabbed the frame again and wrapped you in another hug. 

You decided it best to leave the biography you finally wrote, printed, and compiled about him after all these years in his room, wanting him to be able to experience it in private so he could indulge in whatever feelings it brought forth. 

Mikey’s head sat atop yours as your face rested against his chest, ear listening to the rhythm of his beating heart. The hug you shared with Mikey in that moment felt heavier than any other time you had the pleasure of being held in his arms. You’d be remiss not to notice but chose instead not to bring it up to him and enjoy the moment for what it was.

A moment of peace.

30 minutes passed since Michael escaped the house to do whatever the fuck it was he was doing outside. Carmy didn’t know and in all honesty, he didn’t actually give a shit either, too busy helping their mom out in the kitchen to try to give any thoughts to whatever grabbed Mikey’s attention. 

He was focused in the corner of the kitchen making Tiff Sprite to help alleviate her nausea symptoms. Anyone else would have done their best to block out the rambunctious noises going on throughout the house, but not Carmy though, the chaos fueled him, it grounded him. If the house was quiet it would have been too much for him, to be alone with his own thoughts ping-ponging around in his head, waiting for a chance to drown him. So if he had to listen to his mom list off a plethora of things he needed to make sure happened for Christmas dinner to go off without a hitch while he was making Sprite from scratch, he welcomed it. 

He finished his concoction just in time for Richie to walk through the kitchen, the older man trying to figure out how the fuck it was even possible to make Sprite from scratch. Gratefully taking the glass Carmy offered to him marveling at the carbonated drink in his hand.

Carmy nodded in his direction, “Yo Cousin, where the fuck is Mikey. He just fucking disappeared.” Carmy’s head swiveled around the kitchen checking whether his brother was there or not, coming up empty in his search. Richie glanced up before settling his eyes back on the drink in his hand still doing the mental math to wrap his head around what the fuck Carmy just made.

Richie jutted his head in the direction of the front door, “Outside talking to Baby.” His eyes finally focused on Carmy’s in time to see the color drain from his face at the older man’s words, the younger of the two looking as nauseous as the pregnant woman upstairs. Although he knew you were in town he’d gotten so sucked into the chaotic energy of everything that his mind hadn’t given him any time to overthink seeing you all these years later and if he knew Mikey was outside with you he would’ve made sure he was nowhere in the vicinity of your entrance, not because he didn’t want to see you or be around you but because after all these years he still had no idea how to admit every feeling he kept bottled up and tucked away from you. 

“Did you not know she was coming? Your moms invites her to every holiday, Cousin, and she comes every time.” Richie knew the last bit wasn’t necessary but felt Carmy rightfully deserved it, all anyone wanted from the youngest Berzatto was a visit.

“Dudes been out there for fucking ever though, those two idiots probably just standing outside like a bunch of fucking jagoffs.” Richie left the kitchen not waiting for Carmy to follow him before heading to the front door. He stopped moving the curtain on one of the side windows to spot two of the people he considered family and a surprise plus one. He let out a low whistle nudging Carmy’s shoulder who finally joined his side nodding his head to the window. 

“Awe and she brought her little boyfriend with her.” Richie’s words bounced through Carmy’s head like a game of pinball. You were seeing somebody? Carmy unceremoniously shoved Richie out of the way to get a glimpse of his own out the window, the older man did his best to hold in his laughter. 

Carmy looked out the window just in time to see you snuggly pressed into another man’s side, his brain working overtime to figure out who it was before he watched the man lean in and press a soft kiss into the side of your head causing Carmy’s stomach to sink. 

“When did they start dating?” Before Carmy could stop himself the question was out in the open, his voice sounded less curious and more annoyed than it should have. 

Richie knew what he was about to do next would probably get him into a load of shit but he couldn’t help but want to fuck with Carmy, would you beat his ass for it later, probably but that wasn’t gonna stop him from having his fun. 

“Ohh shit, nobody told you, Cousin?” Richie did his best to sound sad as he spoke, fighting to keep his face neutral as Carmy turned to look at him. “Listen, I don't think it's my place to tell you.” Richie raised his free hand and the cup up in defense.

Carmy could feel his heart speed up the longer he looked at Richie, “Told me what?” An apologetic look washed over Richie’s face twisting the feeling of despair deeper into Carmy’s chest. “Told me fucking what Richie?” He did his best not to scream in the man’s face but the longer Richie stayed silent the more Carmy was sure he was going to have a breakdown. 

“Carm…she’s,” Richie paused suddenly realizing that maybe this joke wasn’t as funny as he first thought it once was but he was in too deep now. “Baby’s married.” 

The tightness in Carmy’s chest intensified tenfold as his eyes traced Richie’s face for any inkling that he was lying. He could feel his palms becoming clammy as he tried to comprehend the truth bomb Richie just dropped on him. When did you get married? Why didn’t he know? 

Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he already knew the answer to that last question. You didn’t want him to know, the two of you weren’t those same kids from five years ago. There was no more sharing everything that happened in your lives with one another and Carmy only had himself to thank for that. 

“Don't fսck with me right now Richie.” Carmy was doing his best to hold onto whatever was left of his resolve not knowing if he could realistically spend his first Christmas home in years watching you be happy with some other man. 

Before the older man could admit to his fallacy the door swung open, the man in question walking through the door. 

“Yo, Richie how you been man? Tiff trynna kill you yet?” His voice drifted through the foyer as he shrugged out of his jacket while Carmy forced himself to turn around making eye contact with the man only receiving an indifferent look in return. “Carmen, good to see you home dude.” 

It took Carmy a moment to realize he knew the man standing in front of him, Hayden Ivanovski was always more your friend than he was Carmy’s but the two of them got along decently enough for your sake. Carmy’s eyes flitted down to the hand stretched out in his direction, quickly latching onto the gold band wrapped around his ring finger, the truth of the situation settled heavily inside of him as he shook Hayden’s hand.

“Yeah uh, good to be back.” Carmy restrained himself from physically massaging out the ache in his chest as he stood in front of the man who succeeded where he couldn’t. He let Hayden’s hand go, tuning out the conversation between Richie and Hayden as he lost himself to the overwhelming thoughts swimming through his head moving to stand just outside of the kitchen as he leaned against the wall. There was no doubt about it, you were married, and those hateful words Carmy spewed at you in the backyard of his family home five years ago probably only helped to push you into Hayden’s embrace. 

Carmy heard you before he saw you. He’d been so lost in his self-deprecating thoughts that he hadn’t heard the door open again. 

All of these years, all the skipped holidays, and Carmy was missing out on you. The sight of you standing in his family home helped to calm his racing heart but then he watched as Hayden pulled you into his side, the two of you looking like a picture of love as the man leaned in placing one more kiss to your temple, conveniently staring Carmy down from across the foyer. 

Carmy dropped his gaze from Hayden before focusing on you once more, the tension seemed to just bleed right out of him as he watched you glow in happiness even if caused by someone else. He was so caught up in his staring that he hadn’t realized the way Mikey glanced at him, eyebrows raised like he was waiting for Carmy to make a move he hadn’t prepared for and didn’t even know he could still make. 

He’d be lying if he said the years apart made him forget what you looked like. You were still the same girl he left in Chicago all those years ago except the wand of maturity worked its magic on you, and in his opinion he thought you looked more beautiful than you had in high school. 

Carmy was never one to pay too much attention to a woman’s features, and not because he didn’t care, it's just that he didn’t think it mattered, he wasn’t drawn to you because of your appearance it was just you as a person that always kept his attention. The comfort you brought him, the way he used to feel safe just being in your presence, the softness you taught him it was okay to bask in, and the way you allowed him to be vulnerable and unapologetically himself were what really kept him hooked. But as he drank in your form he learned in that exact moment why a woman might want people to notice the small things, and he made sure to do so as he stared at you from his vantage point staring around Mikey’s body. Carmy was sure he could look at you all day and deep down inside, he knew he would spend most of Christmas doing just that now that a future with you wasn’t attainable. 

He was pulled from his study of you as your voice rang through his ears, the way his name sounded coming out of your mouth warmed his body. 

“Merry Christmas Carmy,” he could tell your smile was forced, but even the fact that he was worthy of your attention at this moment was enough for him. “It’s nice to see you home.” 

Carmy tried not to read into your words knowing you were just being friendly but the way Mikey cleared his throat and raised his eyebrows at his younger brother, he knew he needed to say something. 

The moment was lost though as another voice interrupted the silence that fell over the group in the foyer. 

“Baby, is that you? My goodness, you look fucking gorgeous and you brought Hayden!” Half of Donna’s body popped out of the kitchen finally gaining a spare moment to greet the newcomers. Her words mumbled through the cigarette between her lips, while she held a ladle in her right hand and the left was occupied by tongs. Her apron was covered in all sorts of sauces and whatever the hell else she was in the kitchen making.

Carmy watched as you laughed half in amusement, you and Hayden both waved in his mother’s direction. Hayden gestured for you to walk in front of him as you both made your way to the kitchen. Donna waved the tongs in Carmy’s direction, “Jesus fucking Christ Carmen, take the girl's bag and coat. Don’t just fuckin stand there.” She huffed eyes glaring the longer Carmen stayed glued to the spot. “C’mon Hayden, I need someone to drink and gossip with.”

The man wasted no time tossing his jacket atop the rest of the pile before maneuvering around Carmy and you. Richie and Mikey had dispersed at some point leaving the foyer empty aside from the two old friends. Carmy gestured for your tote, taking it out of your hand before awkwardly helping you to slip off your jacket doing his best not to touch you unnecessarily. 

Carmy tried to match the small smile you gave him as you made to move around him but was sure he just looked miserable. He was surprised as you gripped his bicep before walking past him, “I uh, I actually bought you a Christmas present. So um, find me later yeah?” He watched as you genuinely smiled at him for the first time in years, unsure if the rhythm his heart was beating in was healthy or not.

A concerned look washed over your face at Carmy’s silence forcing the man to hesitantly nod his head surprised you would’ve gotten him anything after all this time. He opened his mouth to speak but settled against doing so, sure he would make a fool of himself, instead giving you a small shy smile in return. Carmy watched you a moment longer, your own mouth opening and closing like his once had before you settled on a simple nod and dropped your hand back to your side, before walking into the kitchen.

Whatever little hope that interaction had given Carmy was dashed as soon as he heard Hayden’s voice call out to you. You were happy and that’s all he ever wanted, Carmy knew he should’ve been happy for you, but he couldn’t bring himself to come to terms with the fact that all of this could’ve been avoided if he had just been honest with you five years ago.

Maybe then he wouldn’t have to watch as another man brought forth the happiness that once used to be reserved for him. 

a/n: well, well, well what do we have here? gonna be honest idk how the bear fandom is doing so this series rewrite may not get as much love as the original, but that doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

some quick housekeeping as we begin this journey once more; ya girl is working full time so updates will be sporadic, genuinely have no upload schedule so please if you read this rewrite be gracious and understand i have a real life outside of fic writing. other than that please enjoy like/comment/reblog it means a lot.

i've missed you all so much please fangirl with me over these two once more! 🫶🏼🤍

[kaedekolya]

alien stage "cure" lyric translations

i've been losing my mind over how poetic the korean lyrics are, so i tried translating them a little more closely to the original! there are so many implications and so much nuance that it's simply impossible to fully convey them in english, due to vocab and syntax differences, so there will be a ton of translation notes below. please cry over this tragic pair with me :")

[ disclaimer: i am in no way trying to imply that the official translations are subpar, because they're actually really good — it's difficult to convey the full extent of meaning while remaining concise enough for closed captions! i just want to share my own take on the original lyrics ^^ ]

r o u n d 6 — c u r e

Please permit me, till the tips of your hands Please permit me, till the tips of your feet I wish for you to melt me within your eyes I don't want to lose you I plead of you, inflict wounds upon me I plead of you, make it so that I am hurting Until not a single drop of me remains I dissolve in you Till these stars, which will crumble Buried within eternity, which will fade into a blur At the edge of your frigid lips Read me, please That's right, me Even the sharp words you gave me Even if they leave scratches beneath my eyes I wish they remain upon your tongue Even if everything is shattered, it's okay Now, please, look at my wounds Now, please, cure me Just so that my unease may be dampened So that I dissolve into you Above these nights, which will be drawn Screaming into the silence, which will collapse Within your pupils that gaze at me Drink me, please That's right, me This song without an end Towards each other, we dance Our story, buried within eternity Till these stars, which will crumble Buried within eternity, which will fade into a blur At the edge of your frigid lips Read me, please That's right, me Above these nights, which will be drawn Screaming into the silence, which will collapse Within your pupils that gaze at me Drink me, please That's right, me

[ translation notes below the cut. ]

━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━

translation notes

"please permit me"

허락해줘, please grant me permission; implying the person Till is singing to (henceforth Mizi, for brevity) has authority over him.

"I wish for you to..." vs "I wish..."

a slight difference in conjugation; Till wishes that Mizi will do that action for him, whereas Ivan simply wishes for things to be a certain way.

"I don't want to lose you"

놓치다, to lose something or someone by missing them or failing to catch them; implies less agency and control than "to let go."

"I plead of you, inflict wounds upon me" / "I plead of you, make it so that I am hurting"

부디, implying an earnest entreaty, a fervent plea. here, the conjugation has Till asking Mizi to give him wounds, and give him pain.

"I dissolve in you" vs "so that I dissolve into you"

there is no exact translation for 물들다 (conjugated into 물들어 and 물들게 in the lyrics), but picture this: watercolour paints soaking into a white canvas, permeating across it, imbuing it. difference in adpositions: Till says 너로, indicating "by" or "with," whereas Ivan says 네게 (너에게), indicating "to" or "towards". so for Till, Mizi is the colour and he is the canvas, whereas for Ivan, he is the colours that are spreading towards Till. difference in conjugations: Till says 물들어, in present tense and active voice, while Ivan says 물들게 [하다], to make a certain state happen (note that this is different from the ~ㄹ 게 conjugation that indicates future intention). Ivan is saying please notice my pain and heal it, so that I permeate into you, which would then quieten my unease.

"which will crumble" / "which will fade into a blur"

the ~ㄹ conjugation here is a future indicative tense; the action it describes will happen, the state it describes will come to be. 무너질, "will crumble;" to fall by crumbling, crumpling, caving in, breaking down. 흐려질, "will grow blurry;" i chose to translate this as the more poetic "fade into a blur."

"buried within eternity"

묻힌, from 묻히다, to be buried; this word can also mean "to be stained," giving the phrase an alternative meaning of "stained upon eternity."

"read me, please" / "that's right, me"

the official translation says "read my soul," which might indicate the meaning that the creators intended, but the original korean lyrics only says "me." "그래," which i translated as "that's right," can be used in many contexts with varying nuance; it is an acknowledgement and a simple, light agreement. in some contexts, it can be perfunctory, in others, it can be an acceptance.

"even if the sharp words you gave me" / "even if they leave scratches beneath my eyes"

here, Ivan is downplaying the extent of hurt that Till has inflicted upon him. Till may use sharp-edged language, but Ivan describes these words as being given to him, almost as if they are a gift, implying he treasures every word Till throws his way. the word used for "scratches" is often used to describe scrapes left by fingernails; shallow, surface-level wounds.

"even if everything is shattered, it's okay"

부숴, from 부수다, to break, smash, shatter. the official translation says "you can break me apart," which might reflect the meaning that the creators intended, but since the subject and object can be omitted in korean and still be grammatically correct, this sentence doesn't indicate the subject that is doing the breaking or the object that is being broken apart.

"now, please, look at my wounds" / "now, please, cure me"

the word for "wounds," 상처, can also be used to refer to scars, but i chose the former to indicate the open wounds that Ivan wishes Till will cure.

"just so that my unease may be dampened"

그저, "just," implying that Ivan doesn't want for much, he is only asking for this small and simple wish. 불안, unease. it's not quite as intense as "fears," though it can be an indicator of it; it's closer to worries or anxieties. 가라앉도록, from 가라앉다, to sink, to subside, to become subdued.

"above these nights, which will be drawn"

그려질, from 그려지다, to be drawn, like a sketch or painting.

"screaming into the silence, which will collapse"

the more accurate conjugation would be "screamed," but i went with "screaming" for a smoother flow. 쓰러질, "will collapse;" to fall by collapsing, fainting, passing out.

"within your pupils that gaze at me"

translating it as "eyes" would probably read smoother, but the korean lyrics use the specific word 눈동자, meaning the pupil of the eye.

"drink me, please"

the official translation says "consume me," but 마시다 (original lyric 마셔줘) means "drink." it's simple and fluid, not as forceful as "consume" or "swallow." once again, Ivan never uses harsh or violent language to describe Till's actions.

"this song without an end"

i intentionally chose this syntax to emphasise the lack of an end, and to more closely mirror that of the original. it can also be translated as "this endless song."

"towards each other, we dance"

향해, towards, indicating direction. the official translation, "face to face," can be inferred from the word, but i like the idea of them dancing towards each other, going towards each other, as if drawn together in each other's orbit. (also, the irony that in reality, it is only Ivan doing so, only Ivan going towards Till; Ivan sings this line, like he wishes it were the case, like he wishes it were mutual, even as he knows it is not.)

"our story, buried within eternity"

in the previous instance of the phrase "buried within eternity," the object is not specified. here, the clause is completed with 채, meaning "the state of." specifically, this line would be "our story, in the state of being buried within eternity."

[ and that's it — thank you for reading! please note that this is mostly a line-by-line translation, as the original lyrics are composed of distinct clauses that connect in meaning, but not in grammar. the official translation wove the clauses together in proper sentences, whereas my translation mirrors the scattered discontinuity of the korean lyrics. ]

[nrieh]

I deciphered THE Page from Gale's Book!

Original text is written in Thorass, which is a (sort of) DnD "old English". I recognized the font when @dailygale posted several high-res screenshots. I knew I HAD to decipher it. Want to know what's there?..

Someone might find it familiar, but it's all broken, and parts are coverd by the palm layer. Here's the original for you:

The following winter brought an event no less strange than Wilbur’s first trip outside the Dunwich region. Correspondence with the Widener Library at Harvard, the Bibliothèque Nationale in Paris, the British Museum, the University of Buenos Ayres, and the Library of Miskatonic University at Arkham had failed to get him the loan of a book he desperately wanted; so at length he set out in person, shabby, dirty, bearded, and uncouth of dialect, to consult the copy at Miskatonic, which was the nearest to him geographically. (c) H. Lovecraft. The Dunwich Horror

The extra vertical bits in altered "aincient thorass" font and lower part are still unclear to me, to be honest. The lettering seems right, but I'm not getting it. A little bit disappointed that there were no secret messages to fans, who are crazy enough to read it, but the reference is...I mean, YEAH. My best wishes to the dev who chose it. Gale approves +25. I could not do much with the second page (this is the Tav's one), because it's all blurry as hell, even with sharpen filter, and it's harder to read.

ps: I blame Gale, because he made me unlurk on tumblr. Sorry if formatting is off, I have no idea how this shit is supposed to work..I hope it does work... it's my first time, but I just had to share it. :)

[insomnia-acquirer]

made this comic based off of a lil one shot I made! maybe will add more who knows! (click on art to make it less blurry)

The lil tiny one shot:

Pearl sighed, her spear forming in one hand as a small, pink rose lay in her other. Greg called it a “grave” and he said that these blocks of stone held significance. Pearl, not wanting to see her world’s grave empty, took her flower and left. Leaving to a statue where Rose shall lie in her memories. The vines cased around the stone, small lotus growing on every green leaf. Her spear sliced through like silk, leaving a small hole of outside light as pearl walked into the encompassing vine dome.

Greg had told her flowers had symbolic origins, especially at funerals. Pearl asked once she saw Greg put bright red roses on the small stone.

“Red means romantic love, and I- I need her to know I still love her as such,” Greg had said through tears, placing the last of his roses. Pearl, whilst staring into Greg’s broken demeanor, decided to make Rose a better place to rest.

Pink rose in hand, Pearl took the petals between her hands, straightening any into place. She wished, she hoped, that Rose couldn’t see into her mind, for secretly she wanted the rose to be the brightest red. So cherry red that the suns rays only made it glow, not a shadow that could dull it.

“This is so… well… stupid,” Pearl almost laughed, her hands shaking slightly,”you are not even dead.”

Pearl felt herself start to choke up,”you’re stuck, I just- why would you want to be?”

[chemzee]

Homies being homies

Just a silly, quick doodle

Sudden updated lore drop! Still marinating, still under reconstruction. So it's a bit foggy and I'm not sure if many stuff but here, since I got an opportunity ✨

Now that I've rewritten my own version of hpma story to follow my theory about how Daniel will bertray Elliot and will rat out NOTME, here's how it now goes:

Because Elliot suggested Daniel to join him, rather than NOTME in general, I believe Elliot isn't content with how things are in NOTME even though he seemingly holds a higher position there, if the Chinese first anniversary event is anything to judge by.

And with that, the rest of NOTME aren't exactly content of him either, especially the more loyal members and the actual leader. Elliot prefers to do things his way but he needed a partner in crime, which he found in Daniel. He perhaps often visits Hogwarts or Hogsmeade, even after graduation, so he could team up with Daniel when he needed him. So, he becomes less present/active in NOTME, which raises suspicions in the group. Some even suspect that he indeed has a new team or partner now, but without much evidence. One of the members, however, figures he could see if that's the case.

Daniel, on the other hand, agreed solely to get closer to NOTME and gather evidence against them. All of them, to rat every single one of them, this way, proving his mom has nothing to do with the organization. And while he didn't really get as close to NOTME as he wished (as in. not at all) he still managed to collect some evidence, but it wasn't enough, not until he meets at least one other member.

And the member showed up.

This part is bit blurry and needs to marinate but essentially, Daniel gets to meet Morgan (well, more so the other way around) and Daniel is aware that Morgan is part of NOTME, the same way Morgan knows Daniel is Elliot's new partner in crime. But the two, so far, don't rat each other out, Daniel because he wants to collect more evidence on other NOTME members and doesn't want to rat them out one by one but rather in groups/all together (bc if he didn't the group would sorta panic) and Morgan just doesn't see what benefits he could gain by telling other NOTME members about his being Elliot's helper, as he's primarily focused on his own gain in the group, not having much attachment/trust/respect for them.

While starting out tense,on Daniel's part mostly, the two end up, accidentally and surprisingly, striking a bit of a friendship, hanging out with other often until the two got rather close.

Which backfires against Daniel's original plan: rat NOTME out. Because before, he didn't care for any of the members. Now he does. He does care for one of them and he struggles to chose what to do, because he knows he can't just hide Morgan's identity and rat out the rest without him being revealed too at some point, no matter what he does, but neither is he willing to give up his revenge plan against NOTME, it's a lose-lose situation for him, a hard choice he struggles to make.

A part of me also believes Morgan, being a rather sharp individual with pretty good detective skills, has figured out Daniel's intentions and he knows that there's a possibility Daniel might rat him out, betraying him. And he... Doesn't know how to feel about it. On one hand, he doesn't want to go to Azkaban, obviously, especially not with his health. But on the other, he too, cares for Daniel a lot and he knows of the case about his mother, so he knows he's doing it for her and as someone who himself lost his family... He just wishes Daniel luck in reuniting with his mother and making things right, he genuinely wished Daniel happiness. He's just...not yet sure if he's willing to do so at his own expense. And he too, can't make a choice of whenever or not stopping him or letting him rat him out too.

So um. Here's that. Haha 🤪

[sonkitty]

The Sideburns Scheme Post #1 v3

(For reference: The Sideburns Scheme)

This post was last updated 08/03/2024.

Take it all in.

Treasure it for all that it is.

Because you will never see this hairstyle this clearly on Crowley ever again, not even from different angles...unless there's a treat waiting for us in season 3. But otherwise, no, that's all we get of this gorgeous, gorgeous shot.

...

Sideburn Check

Before we see Crowley pull that newspaper down, we are given a profile view of his right side of his face and can see his right sideburn. This sideburn looks short but is a little longer than the shortness we'll eventually see is the intended shortness after driving the car for a long enough time.

Let's take a look:

Wow, that is really hard to tell, but I'm still going to go with thinking it is little longer.

So, why is it a little longer in this human space that is the park?

Theoretically, it's a combination of factors that add up to Crowley making that newspaper his own personal door to manage his own personal space. I'll cover that more in the Earthly Objects section. It might also help that this human space is a more familiar one to him.

Two characters are going to show up, at different times, and there will be no interaction from him to them until he has deliberately pulled the newspaper down from his face. That is to say, he passes through his designated threshold to talk to them.

Once the newspaper goes down, we'll see the sideburns some more. They will look similar in length. It's hard to be sure due to the angles and expressions on his face.

...

Brighter Red Streak Check

In our initial view of Crowley, we can't see the streak. Once the newspaper goes down, it will become evident. That means we have to be suspicious of the fact that we didn't get to see it at the start of the scene because this story lies. Repeatedly. Something is amiss with its chronology. There is possibly a book somewhere in here and a lot of games messing with our heads.

There is a weird blocking and blurring thing happening all the time in GO2, and it's really overt in this scene. Basically, Crowley's right profile view from the side of the bench is going to just keep being blurry, so that we still can't really see the streak in those particular shots.

Otherwise, on the more clear front or other angled shots, it's more clear the brighter red streak is there.

Hairstyle Changes

Crowley's hairstyle changes frequently during GO2. It will even change in really subtle ways during scenes, such that I simply cannot catch every style. The style when Crowley pulls down the newspaper for the first time is actually something like in between the first shot we see with the profile view and then another shot after it when Shax arrives. You probably won't catch that if you aren't trying. I missed it when I was first studying this stuff some months ago.

Far more subtle, and admittedly iffy—I could just be seeing what I want to see—but to me, it looks like the initial right profile shot has a more obvious gradient. The hair towards the bottom matches his season 1 color better and gets brighter up until the top. The after-pushing-newspaper-down style has a gradient, but there is even less of the season 1 color on the bottom area, as if the hair itself is transforming into its new season 2 state. Here's a comparison view if you wish to decide for yourself:

Here's the original collection I made from this scene before realizing the first style at least is different:

Now with streaks indicators too:

So with all of the above in mind, I reached the following conclusions back when first trying to figure out the hair generally...

(1) Crowley's hair is now a brighter red than season 1, including season 1 present day and season 1 flashbacks.

(2) There is yet an even brighter, more saturated, streak of red hair above his left eye.

(3) His sideburns are longer than they were in season 1. At this point, we have no comparison to season 2 present day, but they are going to get both longer and shorter than what is seen here in this same episode.

(4) In this scene, the hair is lighter and more saturated on his left side; it is darker on his right side. For episode 1 at least, in my past notes, that was standard for most of it.

(5) I can't tell you what the top style is telling us about Crowley's mood, but it does seem to do that, at least sometimes. I'll point out if I think I notice it at times later.

(6) The left sideburn does not have as much hair as the right sideburn. Just as the color of the hair is lighter on the left, it seems the left sideburn is supposed to be "lighter" than the right through that way. That seems to be the more frequent way these things work, but it does sometimes switch.

...

Earthly Objects

For Earthly Objects, one of the reasons "earthly" is specified in the name of the game is touches can depend on how an object is used on Earth, instead of just limiting things to tangible objects and physical touches. For example, looking through a window is an earthly object touch because people look through windows to see things on Earth.

Next, I am going to talk about pockets, so this part is going to get ridiculous. You might want to skip down to the next "..." if my saying the newspaper is like a personal little door for Crowley was enough. My understanding of pockets is limited, but I'll share that limited understanding nonetheless.

Before we get to a lovely right profile view of Crowley, there's lens flare rainbow stuff!

Pockets love rainbows combined with Crowley. We can blame Elvis Presley and his song, "A Pocketful of Rainbows". The most noticeable and seemingly official rainbow, in my opinion, is the one right before Crowley himself appears in the cut. I have indeed, checked frame by frame, to see that technically it has not fully disappeared once Crowley himself is visible. It's really close though!

Okay, back to when we get a closer view of Crowley on his initial profile view.

Crowley has his back to the bench. He has his elbow on the arm rest. He has his line of sight directed at the newspaper as if reading it. Those are 3 possible earthly object touches right there. Crowley is holding the back of the newspaper with only two visible fingers. They are the index finger and the middle finger. Only the index finger is showing its tip. That's not enough to receive credit for touching the newspaper physically as an earthly object yet. He'll get that later, when he wants it done. The other two partly visible fingers on the front are probably significant as well.

For the record, I do not like talking about the pockets as frequently or to the extent that I do. I talk about them because I've noticed they are important. They irk me because they are the hardest part of these games for me, at the present moment. I am downright incapable of solving The Pocket Trick to my own satisfaction. A key mechanic in that Trick is the use of word play. Another is to use one's imagination.

One of the first things to know here about Crowley's super advanced play in Earthly Objects and pockets is that his tie strands are connected to his hands because they are his Tied Hands. It's actually really funny when it sinks in, but it does make the game so, so hard. These silly cute Tied Hands have thumbs. The thumbs are the tassels, so the tips of those tassels are the thumb tips.

Thumb tips matter for Door Mode.

Due to Crowley's posture, there is a pocket between his right arm and the bench itself. His right jacket sleeve is open enough that there is yet another evident pocket existing between his shirt sleeve and his jacket sleeve. This pocket is the key one of interest to me because the newspaper touches it. Even so, there is still another pocket formed between the newspaper, Crowley's right hand, and his clothing that the newspaper touches so long as a breeze isn't messing with it.

Those tassel tips I mentioned earlier...are on his pants. That's why I'm spending so much time on this part by the way. There's some metal thing sticking out that only ever sticks out here touching the vest. The belt is his Belt Head, which the vest does like to touch at other times. So, if this metal is somehow the buckle from the belt—since I can't see it being the tie or anything else, that's probably supposed to be its "tongue" while the other visible part of the snake on the belt is pocketed between the vest tips.

Update 08/03/2024: After going over this scene thoroughly months later, I can now see this metal thing is probably the lower metal part of the clasp for this strand. It's so hard to tell with the lighting and the tassel sticking out from it. The tassel could be bunched together then hidden behind the vest, then peeking out again. Here is a color-coded image of this possibility:

The red would be the metal parts of the clasp. The green would be the tassel. The black is the vest near this area. The part between the red that is not color-coded is some small extra part that connects these metal parts. I've also lowered the opacity on the overall screenshot. The color-coded parts are layered over it. I'm honestly still not sure this setup is exactly as I speculate; it just seems the more likely scenario at this point, after months of studying these scenes. For reference, here is another image of what the clasps and tassels look like from the front as I tried to figure out the possibility with lighting and angles.

End update.

Based on how the game plays itself, the Belt Head is helping the Tied Hands in ways beyond my comprehension, so Crowley can take advantage of pockets. What? Do they need belt assistance to be tied because he's sitting down and the watch is not on screen? Somewhere in here is Door Mode on the clothing, channeling its way through pocket imagination powers, so that all of the apparel can work together and give Crowley his newspaper door.

Apparently, this method requires the watch to not be visibly on screen for now. I really want to know what the watch's job is for silly pocket mechanics.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Check out the self-made pocket of hair since we have an active Belt Head messing with things:

Yeah, sure, could be nothing, but The Pocket Trick is really, really intentional about these types of things, and even though this scene is not one of the touches in The Pocket Trick, pockets are still relevant. I mainly suspect such things because of those tassel tips.

Even some of his hair is pocketing the collar of his jacket. The profile shot is so precise, none of the left part of his sunglasses can be seen.

While we're at it, Crowley's sitting really still. He'll be standing really still later in episode 6 with a more obvious pocket touch for The Door Trick. Said Trick is another big part of why I'm noting so much about the pockets by the way. It also has a self-made pocket of hair visible in the first cut.

Update 08/03/2024: I have gone over this scene cut by cut with a long list of what to look for in my attempt to figure out how retying works. Because of how I progress in the puzzles over time and for simplicity's sake, I am not going to give every painstaking detail here. I will say that if my notes are correct, the tying sequence goes something like the following. The Tied Hands are tied 8 times during this entire scene. They also switch which hand they are connected to 3 of those times. He uses reflection connections and Shax's lapels to make these switches. More can be found in visual form here: Park Reflections. I have long suspected retying is required for crossing every threshold but been unable to recognize them because one of its key clues is a "joint" or a "hinge". The obvious such key is the one I've looked for of a metal part of a clasp striking a lapel edge. Well, it doesn't have to be just that. An actual thumb joint, especially Crowley's left thumb CMC joint, can accomplish this same task. For instance, here at the park, the left thumb CMC joint presumably qualifies as at the edge of the newspaper in the opening back shot of Crowley. Even though it's not clear at first glance due to the distance, I can take in numerous other clues of the scene, such as the large reflections in the lake and the rainbow that tying is already done. If I zoom, I can then find the face of the watch and a very good guess at where the left thumb CMC joint is. I still can't confirm retying happens for crossing every threshold, but current studies suggest it is likely or will have some further puzzles where I'm supposed to figure out the method in use or why it might be exempt. The below notes will remark on things I noticed about the tying, the connections, and the reflections, without quite getting the full process in motion because I did not break down the scene cut by cut with extensive notes to myself to figure out such things back when this post was first published. End update.

Okay, that's enough about pockets. Finally! They'll be mentioned later but not to this extent.

...

During the scene after Shax shows up, Crowley's going to touch some mail. We'll see his shoes on the ground at one point. A notable earthly object touch is the first one he gets when Shax shows up after he pulls the newspaper down. He's going to see himself in the mirror. Crowley does not see the way humans see most of the time. He senses with his eyes. But a mirror's actual literal function on Earth is generally to look at yourself, or something of interest.

One of the ways Crowley can and does see is if someone—or something, is deliberately showing him an earthly object. So, by Shax holding the mirror and Crowley intentionally looking at it, with its general actual function, he theoretically sees himself.

That's helpful to him because based on his actions during the story, he doesn't sense that the sideburns themselves have changed length when they do, even if he's using them to manage his space. He checks by looking in the mirror if possible and necessary, notably in his car. Catching when he might be looking at all is harder than this one part of this one scene. He is quite subtle about it. This game wants people to look closely to catch these types of things as they play and interpret the story.

The cut between Crowley holding the newspaper in profile view and pushing it down has him holding the newspaper differently with his fingers. That could be a suspicious chronology edit or it could be Crowley testing/managing the bounds of his created space or both.

...

You can see some of the sky and dark parts of trees reflected in Crowley's sunglasses. I consider that significant because it's a clue among several others that great care is taken to what is and is not reflected in his sunglasses during this story. You can find out more about why I think that's important here: The Window Trick Visual Representation.

...

Story Commentary

I don't know what the stillness does, but I suspect it is relevant because of how still Crowley is near the end of episode 6 when standing by the door to the car. My overall guess has been that it helps Crowley be sensed or seen since humans often don't actually approach him with the exception of Nina later. However, one human approaches him here before Shax will later arrive.

Due to how I play these games, Crowley's seeming listlessness here actually strikes me as more of a strategic move than what it looks like on the surface. He has his saturated streak. He has his sideburns. He had his newspaper door. He's messing with pockets without even putting actual hands in pants pockets yet. There was a rainbow. This sneaky snake is up to a lot, and he's hiding the extent of what that is from Shax and whoever else is reading him in the story.

When Crowley leaves, he will pass by Shax with him in the background. He is blurred, and there's something gold around where he's holding the newspaper, that is presumably his bills. After he passes Shax, you can't see the presumed bills anymore. Due to the angle? In this story, I'm skeptical, but yeah, could be. Crowley's going to be conveniently obscured many times throughout the season.

Based on this timeline rundown post, this scene could easily be out of order from the presented story. The sunlight and rainbow stuff is too confusing for me to understand in trying to figure out the time, but I think the idea this scene takes place out of order is a good, valid one. The basis from that post is the chimes I didn't notice on my own and wouldn't even know what they mean if I had noticed.

Not only that, in my watching the scene repeatedly to try and figure out what pocket mischief Crowley's up to next, I noticed the tie strands keep just swapping what side of the vest they are on in different cuts with no indication he moved to make them do that. It's not every cut, but it happens. He's a demon, so he could just do that because he wants to, of course.

The scene has ducks and some other birds. While some birds do appear when Crowley makes it rain in episode 3, animals are otherwise rather lacking in appearance once closer to Whickber Street and wherever Crowley parks his car when it's isolated.

The scene is nicely lit, thanks to the sunlight. We actually aren't going to see Crowley's hair this well lit for quite a bit of the story due to the other settings, especially the dimly lit bookshop.

That's it for this post. Way back when I started to track these things, I did have a tendency to update even these posts, so that could happen again, just FYI.

...

Past versions of this post:

Post #1 (meeting with Shax in St. James' Park)

Post #1 with mistake

...

Project inspired by these posts:

Crowley’s Sideburns & what do they mean?

Ok, I love this theory that it could be some sort ...

[ineadhyn]

Writer interview

@vixstarria tagged me and I finally get to do it! Thank you <3

I am tagging @sky-kiss @scuttlingcrab and @thedomesticanthropologist

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13 and some are multi-chapter. All are BG3 except for a german Inkheart one

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

85.408 -that is a surprising amount of words for being active less than a year

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

His consort, his god - I finally wrote smut for a popular ship XD (bloodweave)

At her mercy - kinky sapphic Karlach x Durge smut

Natures most beloved treasure - Halsin x trans masc Tav smut

Direct from Hell Logistics - ongoing Raphael x Haarlep comedy/angst/smut/plot - this one has it all

A song of snow and embers and Copper Hearts share this place. one is a F/F/F/F foursome and the other my Astarion x male Tav longfic

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I appreciate every single comment and try to show that. There's nothing better than the e-mail that says "comment on your work" and it can make my whole day. Sometimes I don't know what to respond if it's just a word or a keybord smash, but rest assured I see you and I love every one of those, too.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Angsty ending hmmmm. Because some of my stuff is not completed yet I am not gonna spoil anything but Dust and ash about Astarion's backstory was naturally quite angsty

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Not. gonna. spoil XD

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not yet. Maybe I could count Copper hearts because I took Francys from my original work and planted him into Bg3

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, not yet.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do. I am exploring all kinds atm with preferably queer pairings wlw or mlm or nb. I can also write mlw from the men's perspective but not the other way round :D

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Boy I wish.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No and I am not sure if I could commit to a project like that.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Hmmmmm ... Raphlep probably

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

My german Inkheart fic with a genderbent lesbian Basta. Damn I was invested in creating this character, but gave up after a while because it was a lot of work and it being german and a niche topic in a small fandom was not very rewarding tbh. I know I should not care and maybe I'll come back to it when the Inkheart obsession comes over me again.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I am good at setting the scene. Atmosphere and small mundane details that make the setting feel alive. I have always liked that in reading as in writing, because it makes you feel like you are actually there when you can hear and smell and taste the scene.

Also I am okay at developing coherent plot, but that's mainly practice from writing a lot of og work before I started with fics.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

I still struggle with english grammar and punctuation at times so I always have a beta reader. And I am lucky to have great ones.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I am not a fan. It confuses me. Singular phrases and such yes, but not entire dialogue. Especially if it's german in an english fic I get super confused.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

*digs through her files* So, my first works were basically fic for my best friend's story. (I was in my early teens.) But since she was the author the lines between canon and fic are blurry and the "fandom" consisted of three people of which one was the author XD

So if we don't count that the first one would be Hunger Games - It was one chapter and I never published it

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

We'll see what posesses me next I guess, though I think Bg3 will stay with me for a considerable amount of time. And ship wise ... I feel Durgetash creeping up on me.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Definitely Direct from Hell Logistics. I am having so much fun with it. It constantly makes me laugh and sheme and I also feel all the angst. Also it is ongoing and I get to explore the story alongside the readers (though I have a rough plot structure to keep me on track).

[cuttoncandyhair]

ranking ALL of Stella's transformations

27. Enchantix (S8)

Who knew Stella's Enchantix could be butchered to this extend? The colors are nauseating. It's so ugly, I'm gonna cry.

26. Magic Rock

What even is this? They didn't even try to make this outfit look good. Those colors- just eww.

25. Sirenix (S5) Underwater

The person who suggested turning Stella's beautiful, blonde hair this highlighter shade of green needs to be taken off the design team. The entire team needs to think over their life choices...

24. Crystal Sirenix

It's not the worst ever look. It's just- Crystal Sirenix. Forgettable and barely worth existing.

23. Magic of Sports

I don't have anything to say about this. A football trikot with wings. Neither any pretty.

22. Paintix

Not a fan of this on Stella. The outfit looks like it was designed by a child so it hits me with nostalgia, but- I don't know- not a fan.

21. Magic of Joy

I mean- I think it's nice. Can't really tell, since there's only this one blurry illustration of it.

20. Sirenix (S8)

Pretty. Pretty forgettable. Also, a downgrade from the original Sirenix.

19. Travelix

It's a cute outfit. It just doesn't make much of a transformation...

18. Onyrix

Stella in blue! Hell yes! Stella in this particular shade of blue? Ehhh.... I hate it, sorry. If it were a different color I would have loved this look.

17. Cosmix

Arguably the worst Cosmix. I hate this shade of pink on Stella. Especially on the pale Stella of season 8. Other than that, I think her Cosmix is kinda okay.

16. Charmix

The charms are way too much on Stella's base transformation. I love Stella's Magic Winx, but the extra elements kinda put the look off balance.

15. Butterflix

I hate the skirt, but her top had me enchanted. If the skirts weren't so childishly poofy and less uniform, Butterflix could have been such a successful transformation. I just think Stella looks nice, even in this version of Butterflix.

14. Dreamix

Stella's Dreamix has a very mature look. I like it, but I wish the orange fabric had more of a golden shimmer to it, like in the artwork.

13. Greenix

The outfit itself is really boring, but the colors- chef's kiss. The color scheme makes this rank way higher than it's supposed to be.

12. Foodix

Stella in yellow is always a highlight. I love this look for her. Just look at her, can you look away? I can't.

11. Harmonix

I wish they had used the colors of the artwork in the animated series. While I like Stella in yellow, the shade feels disconnected to the rest of her color scheme. But the overall look is pretty cute. Despite it being Harmonix.

10. Sirenix (S5)

I adore the colors of Stella's Sirenix. Especially the purple streak in her hair. Very chic. The transformation used to rank higher up my list, but I find it to be somehow lacking in depth.

9. Tynix

I'm not sure I love this color of her hair, but I do like the overall look. I strangely like Tynix, even though the transformation doesn't offer much in terms of personality.

8. Sophix

Sophix was originally rather low on the list. Then I looked at it for a while and realized it's actually awesome, take away the pink sleeve elements. Having undestood that, I appreciate it a lot more and it took it's rightful place here on the list.

7. Mermaidix

It's perfect. There, I said it. This transformation is worthy of first place. It's probably so low, because it has so many details and I like simplicity. But kudos to the designers to make something this detailed work so seemlessly.

6. Mythix

Stella's Mythix, like all 2D versions, is actually pretty cute. I like how the comic version has her normal hair color. It looks much better and warmer, in my opinion. This transformation deserves a lot more love, despite it being very simple.

5. Bloomix

Bloomix designs are too busy for my taste. Despite that, and the weird little ponytail, this design still counts as great. I adore the colors and the wings.

4. Lovix

I adore it. Always have, always will. I forgot how much I love this transformation. I really gotta make some Lovix fanart soon.

3. Magic Winx

Maybe this is up here only because of nostalgia, but I just love it. It's simple but does it's job. I have no criticism.

2. Believix

The weakest Believix of the bunch, but It's still a great transformation. I don't neccessarily love her skirt, but that's just me picking this look apart. It's awesome.

Enchantix

Just too beautiful. Maybe the most beautiful transformation of all. I can't not look at her. Deserved 1. place.

[hedorahtheblogmonster]

My thoughts on Godzilla x Kong the New Empire. Spoilers!!

Overall I had a good time with the movie. As usual, here’s my first thoughts as GxK pros and cons

Pros:

-all the giant monster scenes are awesome. I was afraid setting entire scenes only with kaiju would lose some of the excellent scale (which is nominally true) but each monster is brought to life excellently through their animation. Godzilla and Kong have excellent characterization consistent with their MonsterVerse interpretations.

-Skar King and Shimo are just incredible. They have an interesting dynamic together, and as foils to Kong and Godzilla as well. They are easily my favorites of all the original titans of the MonsterVerse.

-otherwise, there’s plenty of background titans that all feel unique enough to stand out from Skull Island-esque ferocious giant animals to a few favorites from Godzilla’s MV rogues gallery

-I enjoyed most of the main human characters. Bernie returns and is generally more likable than Godzilla vs Kong (somewhat less infowars-y, which helps). Jia is a delight, and I like seeing the Iwi tribe back in the monsterverse after being macguffined away after Kong: Skull Island. Kaiju veterinarian Trapper is my favorite addition to the cast.

-there are lots of little references and details that Godzilla fans will love. Normally I roll my eye at such fan pandering, but because it’s about giant monsters this makes it good.

Cons:

-Junkie XL slogs his way through another generic kaiju flick soundalike for the entire movie. It comes on as very forceful and predictable which cheapens the experience. It feels unfair to compare his work to to Bear McCreary’s on KotM, though I don’t think it stands on its own merit either. I’m also not too fond of using licensed music in a film, which gets grating the few times it’s used here.

-all the human scenes feel incredibly rushed, which comes at the detriment to the performances. I wish they would’ve taken their time with some of their small scale scenes, but it’s deciding not compete with the big fancy kaiju-only sequences.

-maybe it was just the theater I was seeing the film in, but it seemed like all the human scenes in hollow earth had a vignette effect around the borders, making things blurry. It felt like they attempted a sort of dreamlike feeling for these scenes, but was totally distracting to me

-I wish there was a reference to the Monarch series or some sort of stinger for another movie but that’s just a nitpick

Overall, I don’t think I enjoyed it quite as much as Godzilla vs. Kong but it’s still a blast to watch. Godzilla x Kong the New Empire leans into the MonsterVerse’s best strengths, though it suffers in it’s pacing, performances and soundtrack. I’d give it a solid 7.5 / 10, though I should give it some time and a rewatch before I fully make up my mind. At the very least they’ve sold me on a Skar King/Shimo SH MonsterArts, which means they’ve won

[kaiowut99]

GX Finalized-Subs!90 (WIP): The State of GeneX Medal Play [UPDATE!]

Spent the past week getting work on finalized 89 and 90 going, and since I only had one quick animation fix to work on for 89, I'm onto prepping 90--as part of that, I'm getting to redo one of my first on-screen translation edits, done way back in 2012-ish when I first subbed 90 using only Sony Vegas and Aegisub, iirc. It's neat to take another crack at it using Photoshop, though I also necessarily had to redo it due to the differences in video quality (I did also use a DVDRip back then, but it was a more manual encode from a different source, iirc, hence the black bars on the side) and the fact that somehow I thought to encode a hardsub into the raw clip... which I wouldn't have done now, lol.

So, this is Samejima's computer screen as he looks over GeneX's progression with our main crew early into the episode; in Photoshop, I first stitched together the screen he scrolls through (on the left), then worked to blank it, painting over the Japanese for most of it. When it came to the DA circle in the middle with the dorm names, I tried to apply a render off DeviantArt, but between the border on each letter and the text not quite matching up, I opted to instead redo some of the letters (mainly the "ISK" in "Obelisk," done with Times New Roman, and painting over the bottom of the "B" in Blue, while I copy/pasted part of the "R" in "Ra" over the "R" in "Osiris" to cover up the end of the "count" kanji). Got it fully blank by about Wednesday night.

Then, yesterday, I started adding in the English text and got that knocked out easily (final product on the right, with my last go at it in the middle for comparison); I don't have the original sub file I used for the text here way back (thanks, failing drive in October), but I did remember using the Corbel font for the header there, then also used it for the "Duel Count," "Medals Won," and "Primary Cards Used" text, while I used Arial here for the names. I also lengthened the boxes under the latter to fit "Monster/Magic/Trap Cards" to match the original text. Applied a light blur and some noise on the text, as well as a light drop shadow, and voila. Overall, I think it looks much cleaner than the 2012 attempt, though I wish I could figure out how to make the drop shadow a smidge less blurry, but it'll do.

So, next steps for this is to throw it into Sony Vegas and redo the scrolling, while applying a light screen flicker (which I'll do using a solid blue every couple frames with a screen blend).

The kicker is trying to make this work in the follow-up scene after the OP with Samejima on top as he scrolls from Misawa to Saiou (which I managed to; see the update reblog linked above!]:

I was originally thinking of also stitching together the scrolling here, then redrawing Samejima as needed on top of the text I'm covering up, and I did stitch it together, but I'm realizing I'll have to make the edits frame-by-frame to account for him and three of his lip-flap frames that I can just loop as needed once it stops on Saiou.

So--and thinking out loud--I'm thinking I'd redraw more of Samejima and then save and mask him out to use later and keep him looking consistent, while I use that stitch I've done to redraw the screen to just leave the text, recycling the text edits for the Duel Count/Medals Won/Primary Cards sections from earlier on Saiou's side; once I redo the text, I'll put Samejima back and make him more transparent where he's on top of the new text. Then, when I throw the frames back into Sony Vegas, I'll take the original video and mask Samejima back on to the parts without text in each. I think... that'd work... Hmm. (EDIT: Funny, that's exactly how it went; see the update link above to my reblog, lol.)

Seems I did go frame-by-frame in my last try too, though not as clean as I'd have liked now:

I can see why 4Kids opted to just cut the Misawa-scrolling part of this scene and just keep the Saiou part for the dub (though I would've thought they'd have access to the files used for this at least lol)

[albino-whumpee]

Story idea:

Protagonist meets a being that presents itself as a god when they die. The supposed god tells them they’re so sad to see their life ending so soon they will grant them a wish. Protagonist makes the mistake of asking for eternal life hoping they would be revived.

They’re not so wrong, as they are revived in another world with another body. Cool, Protagonist thinks. Even if it’s a whole new world, they have read enough books and played enough games to know this is an isekai scenario. Their life wasn’t that great anyways, they will take it.

And so, they live in that world until they’re killed so easily and quick, they can only blink in stupefaction when they awake. They were sure they died, but wasn’t that against their wish? What is going on? They’re also in a different body and a different world???

They last longer this time, but they eventually die again at the hands of a monster. They wake up in someone’s arms. A baby’s body could last a bit longer if treated well, but they understand this life will be even shorter than the first when they’re tossed into the water.

“If you keep dying so quickly, it will be no fun” the deity tells them through the mirror in another world. They demand answers, and the deity is displeased, but complies. The deity explains they would only grant wishes if they were entertaining and an eternal body will some day perish to time itself. So, in order to not lose their new toy, they chose to take some liberties in the interpretation of their wish.

“When you have had enough of living, just tell me. I have no interest in watching ungrateful humans. I only grant wishes to entertaining humans. But if that day comes, I will have you live through all the deaths you have lived until then as to commemorate your eternal life. So, what do you say? Wanna continue? You have only lived three deaths so far, shouldn’t be too painful, right?”

In a panic, the human begs to be reincarnated again. At least that will give them time, right? But with the next few lives, they understand the true intention of such a god granting them “immortality” was to watch them die terribly over and over and over.

And each time, they restart in yet another body in another world.

This person slowly lives a thousand lives. Some good, some great, some in misery and others in greatness. Depending on what they spawned as, their life lasts a long time or a short time. At the beginning, even if their body changes, they are aware of each body’s capabilities. They still call themself their first name internally. They still have fresh and clear the intention of living forever was based in having so many regrets and too many wishes and desires. This starts to blur as the number of revivals increases.

In each life, be it an insect, be it a being from some planet beyond the observable universe, be it some variation of humans, be it a single microorganism that will only last a few hours, be it a king or a witch, a traveler or an animal, they will die a dreadful death eventually.

They try so many things and invent some themself. Their brain changing also makes their “self” changes accordingly. Even if sometimes they can keep their memories and knowledge intact, there’s many times they start over from 0 until a few turns later, a few memories flash back.

Their original name…what was it? Slowly, even the memory of how they looked like becomes blurry. It becomes a haze when they live a thousand lives. What is even the point of remembering it? They’re not that person anymore.

They’re not anything they were and yet they could be it again in the next life. As they realized after a few thousand lives. Where they revived as someone close to them on that round. Regardless of their tries to have a peaceful death, slit throats and suffocation became the options most likely to happen.

They wished their bodies could get numb to the thought of death like their consciousness did. Maybe that would make the process less painful.

The god would make sure to keep things interesting, they realized as things they would be proud of and happy about weren’t always the things that amused the god. A “trial” would come if their actions were unsatisfactory.

They did the mistake of thinking working to please them only would end up in them living longer and found out what they were always looking forward to was their death and their death alone.

So close calls were the only thing that interested them so much, they would be rewarded with calm days or even weeks.

They had been an amazing actor and actress in a few of their lives, they could perform like the most perfect toy for their blood-seeking god.

And so, many lives were lived in a dance of close calls being absolutely planned ahead.

The more lives they lived and remembered, the less they felt a sense of individuality, however.

They had been plants and animals, cut and eaten. So meat and vegetables only brought back the sensations of death itself.

They had been unjust and virtuous and still was punished for their acts regardless of their alignment. So how could they judge, if they understood and knew they would do the same?

They were small and big, lived long and just a moment, lived in love and deprived others of such. So like costumes or masks, they wore each life as their suit for the occasion, the experience of the oppressed to be a better ruler. Learning was empirical and if it wasn’t, they had the experience to learn from their mistakes to arrive at a different conclusion.

For centuries and millennia, they provided endless entertainment to their sadistic god.

So, ah the start of their new life, they receive some news.

“You’ve been the only one to last this long! If you die a peaceful death on this life, I will set you free”

“…what does even free mean to you?”

“Learnt from your mistakes hm?” The deity laughs “I mean I will stop the cycle. You will die for real this time”

They can’t hold a tiny laugh, “What would be fun about seeing a geeezer just die? What will happen when I do die, then?”

“Nothing”

“Just like that? Without living through deaths 0 to 3999?”

The deity nods and the one that has lived too long suddenly feels a pang of actual hope in what seems an eternity,

“For real?”

The deity smiles in a toothy grin before disappearing in thin air “that’s only if you can die a peaceful death”

[whenyoucallmelover]

I feel so annoyed sometimes that harry - be it in twitter comments or fanworks - is appointed alpha male protector because of his build. okay he has broad shoulders and back and he loves to exercice which emplifies that but it doesn't defines his "roles"/attitude/temper/ect?? I mean I'm just tired of the "tiny cute shining sun louis who must be protected" and "look how big and tall harry is" cliche as if it must defines their whole personalities. Louis however smaller he may be, as always felt more like the protector one to me I mean they kinda share that and all but it's more obvious in him. Being the big brother figure and all. Also from testimonies we got from the backstage over the years, harry is often described as the shy one when out of the spotlight while louis gets described as outgoing and at ease most of the time. And- anyway I should stop. I just made the mistake of reading a few tweets and must have woken up on the wrong foot because I just couldn't ignore them today. (mmh... I'm realising as I write this that may be it touches me because I'm projecting? Like irl I'm in the 'broad shoulders' club and always wished I'd be smaller, tynier because it'd made my wish to be protected would be more 'logical' or legitimate... anyway I digress)

well hello there! interesting thing to think about!

i get what you mean! it can feel very one dimensional when people view big = manly and strong & short = soft and dainty.

back in the day, i definitely saw this happen between harry and louis a lot! luckily, i think as the fanbase has grown (and grown up), i personally see it happening less, which is nice!— not bc you can’t be big/small and have personality traits that ‘match’ your outward appearance; it’s just nice that people have considered more than just someone’s outward appearance!

(i always think about the “dark harry” and duplicity and after era whenever i see people talking about this sort of thing and it just makes me laugh, haha. it’s all a bit ridiculous.)

it really is an interesting thing to consider regarding fanworks… the lines within real-person fiction can be blurry! i mean, if you want to do some creative writing where louis is fragile or dainty and in need of a big, tall, strong harry (or whoever, of course! i’m just using them as a relevant example), i think it’s just important for it to be understood & acknowledged that these people are being used as characters, and are being simplified to a less complex and dichotomous version of the real people.

we, as humans, are never going to be the strong one or the weak one or the dominant one or the submissive one, etc, at all times. and i think that can get a little lost on us when we immerse ourselves so much in our versions of people that we really don’t know. i’m definitely guilty of it, too, it’s only natural when you’re left to fill in the blanks on your own. harry is often described as shy and sometimes a lil nervous and awkward (still sobbing about his dunkirk costars saying he originally ate lunch alone 😭), but he’s also insanely charismatic and charming and bold when he’s in his element! and louis has that fun, don’t-take-life-too-seriously attitude and is so fiercely protective of his loved ones, but he’s also so tactful and gentle with fans and his voice gets all soft and lovely when he’s with kids—

there's just so much to every person and it's a beautiful thing to be made up of so many different things. i'm sure we've all experienced people making assumptions about us based solely on what they see, and it's never a good feeling! so i do think it's deeply important to see more than just the surface!

[button-mash]

What I played last week #8

Klona 2 [Playstation 2]

This was such an absolute treat to play. I had heard of the series before, but I'd genuinely never played any of them at all - in fact they'd just totally passed me by really. I think they got remade fairly recently and it suddenly felt like everyone but me had some proper beloved history with the series, so not sure how I totally missed it - especially as I love platformers. Managed to snipe an eBay auction for this for £12 which I was buzzing about considering it rarely goes for less than £30 and often sells in the £50-60 range. 

Playing this it feels like it's the insane centrepoint between SO many games that have come before and since, I'd love to learn more about it and any games that were actively influenced by it, because it felt like it could somehow have come out in any area of platformers and fit in perfectly. At different points it reminded me of Nights, Kirby 64, Crash Brandicoot, Rayman, Mario Galaxy and more, yet somehow always still felt like completely it's own thing too. It's a pretty simple game at it's core - it's a 2.5D platformer where you can jump and hover, but can also grab enemies if you're close enough, either throwing them across the screen as a weapon, or using them to jump off and essentially serve as a double jump. The game actually starts off pretty slowly and at first I thought it was going to be another Kirby - something with loads of personality and character, but ultimately so easy it undermines the whole thing. However, the games levels quickly become more and more complex and constantly alternate between platforming and puzzles sections - by the end it becomes difficult enough where you have to have mastered every technique in the arsenal to progress through the levels, some of which are surprisingly long and complex.

The most amazing thing is how good the game looks, it's just absolutely beautiful - I genuinely couldn't believe it was a PS2 game at times. The occasional blurry texture or jagged edge gave it away, but there is just so much vibrant colour, detail, movement and animation on every level, it just gave the game an insane amount of character and life to each stage, and all of them have such a strong, memorable visual identity. There is even an amazing sense of scale to some of the levels where you'll get shot high into the air and you'll see these massively complex stages just fully modelled out and it just shows how much imagination and craft have gone into each one. There is one level set in a theme park and it just looks incredible. It's seemingly impossible to find any good quality gifs of this that aren't from the remake or haven't been upscaled in PCSX2, but hopefully you get the picture from an art direction perspective

The game isn't without it's flaws - there are some difficulty spikes that come out of nowhere and very strict animation windows sometimes make you feel like you missed grabs or jumps that you made, but it's rare and the platforming usually feels great. It never becomes a real chore of a challenge, but the levels become difficult enough where you feel genuinely accomplished getting through them, especially the last few levels. The bosses are also great mechanically, although they start to feel a little similar by the end. 

Normally if you play a retro game without the nostalgia, there is always this element of wishing you could have played it at the time, simply because it's almost always aged in some way that diminishes the experience at least a tiny bit. Here this just feels like that rare experience where it could have come out yesterday and I think I'd still be banging on about how much I loved it - if I'd unknowlingly played the remakes without knowing they were remakes, I don't know if Id have been able to tell from a design point of view. Im glad I played the original though, honestly one of the best looking, most colourful and lively games I think Ive played on the PS2, all at a crisp 60fps. Looked absolutely phenomenal on the PVM, I wish I could somehow show off how great it looked.

[tragedia]

For a significant part of his life, any memory of early childhood was a blurry affair at best. Being pulled away from his family young, and then surviving an almost certain death made such a thing the most precious commodity. For a while there, when Winfred barely remembered a thing, but has found out the truth of his origins already, he was reluctant at best to learn more about his past, to even dare to look into his family. Their names were foreign, and so were their faces, but now, when Sofie calls him [ big brother ] and things slot into their rightful places, his eyes prickle dangerously and he smiles with unbridled affection.

“ Little sister, ” he calls her back. It feels too much to reach for her hand, though he feels compelled to do it, withholding only at the last moment. Perhaps Fred no longer knows how to be a brother, but there's a notion of it in his mind that it should involve less tears. “ I'm glad things are better now than before, for you, ” he says, the tone of his voice genuine. Sofie doesn't need to say a thing for him to get it, what it could be like for a mage before, during or after the war. Things haven't been easy or settled for a while now, so her admission of living better days now is comforting. “ I wish I could know everything, but stirring up the past like this when we've just reunited. Well... I'm only glad that we could. ”

Her question makes him let out a chuckle. He takes a sip of the tea and leans back in his chair, nodding. “ Just a little bit. ” The truth is, he sounds like an assortment of people that took care of him that came from all over Thedas — and while some of it is what's still left over from Kirkwall, it's hard to deny that he sounds like the underbelly of the streets of Val Royeaux. “ But yes, that's where I've lived. What about you? ”

oh, what an absolute luxury it feels like to have the gift of familiarity with someone she has a deep connection with and yet who is completely unknown to her in his current form; sofie wants to wrap it around herself like a silk scarf, because he is the first sibling she has seen in decades. and whatever else has happened in their lives, whatever may yet be coming for them, they have this beautiful moment of reunion.

❝ freddie, ❞ she settles on, warmth in her voice this time, and the tension feels just a little easier to deal with. sofie has never considered that she needed siblings, having been separated from them so long that she can barely remember the eldest two, but it turns out that actually, she wants them. she had just forgotten what it was like to have a, ❝ big brother, ❞ she adds, as a term of endearment.

when did she last have cause to say that? when was the last time anything felt as good as this does?

for a moment, sofie looks into her mug, but it doesn't take long for her gaze to lift back to winfred's face, exactly the same as she remembers and yet changed so obviously by time. ❝ life has been both good and bad. this is one of its best moments. ❞ and she does not wish to sully it by talking about the bad; there will be time enough for that, she imagines. to catch up with the general outline of lost time, if not in detail. ❝ you have an orlesian accent, is that where they took you? ❞

[storiesandthingsofthatnature]

Hi there everyone! I am making an original manga and thought that writing it out first would help me. So, I've decided to make both a manga and a novel~ please take a gander and do let me know what you think ^^

Trigger warnings: blood, mentions of physical abuse, mental abuse, mental delusion

Thank you and have a great day! :D

Something within her told her that she had to get up - it wasn’t a matter of whether she wished to or not. This unrelenting force was driving her to open her eyes or to at least lift a finger to which the latter she seemed to be able to do. However, it was as if her very joints were made of stone, cracks emanated from her index as Ripley let out a muffled breath of pain. She then realized that her mouth was sewn shut with a slim, frayed string. Her eyelids were given the same treatment. 

A quick hand jumped up to her face in panic, the grogginess and lethargy of sleep finally sweeping away to only leave behind fragments of anxiety that soon bloomed into large patches of utter shock and mania. Why were her mouth and eyelids sewn shut? Where was she? Why was it so cold? She went to sit up but another muffled shout seeped through the cracks of her restraints as her forehead hit something hard. She pushed out a hand, the feel of a cool, sleek surface filling her senses. 

She balled up her fist and began to bang against it, her shouts for help nothing but grunts and smothered yelling. However, just when Ripley thought that she would be stuck here forever, she heard a snap and a long creak as the surface she was feeling retreated from her grasp. The sudden intrusion of natural lighting filtered through the thin skin of her eyelids, Ripley quickly shying her face away from it. 

Her fingers found their way to her eyelids, Ripley finding the knotted end of the string. With some coaxing, she was able to undue the thankfully loose knot and she pulled at it. Deep, ragged breaths entered and exited through her nose as the pain and discomfort pooled from her eye to the back of her head. 

Finally, the string dropped into the palm of her hand with a soft squish, the once beige hue now turned a deep, wine red. 

Her now free eyelid fluttered open and she could get a sense of where she was. Rubbing her eye to make her overly blurry vision stable again, black splotches turned into golden grains. As far as the eye could see, there was nothing but dunes of sand. Ripley looked down at where she was and honestly felt a macabre emotion; she had been placed in a coffin. 

As much as she tried to figure out just how in the world she ended up here, it only seemed to bring her great pain. Not only did she retain a headache but she even began to experience body chills. A shiver crawled up her spine, Ripley unable to restrain her shudder. 

Before anything else, she needed to get the rest of this stuff off of her. She went to raise her hand to undo the other string but stopped when she noticed something strange; she was a completely different color! She could at least remember that being green was not normal. She quickly undid her other eyelid and her mouth. 

Opening up her jaw was a bit of a challenge. It would get stuck at points and she would have to snap it back into position. Her throat was dry as hell and her lips felt cracked and arid. She clacked her teeth together, rotating her bottom jaw in a circular motion to loosen it up once more. 

A dry cough left her throat, Ripley clearing it as she let out sounds to see if she still had her voice. It was raspy but at least she could still communicate if she wanted to. But, looking around, she couldn’t help but wonder if she would even find anything. There was nothing but sand, Ripley completely confused on how she ended up in the desert in the first place. Much less on how she got into this coffin. 

She looked at her emerald colored skin once more. Ripley guessed that perhaps she had died and somehow she was back. But, how did she die? She couldn’t remember anything before she woke up. However, she knew that freaking out and having an existential crisis now would not help her figure things out. However, she needed a plan. 

Ripley then noticed a ragged cloak at her side which was accompanied by a mask, the young woman wondering if perhaps she had a benefactor. But why wouldn’t they stay behind? Help her figure out what happened. She sighed, going to stand only to fall back onto her ass with a hard plop. 

“Fuck!” Ripley grunted, her tailbone singing with pain. “Fuckin…Ugh!” Ripley couldn’t believe it. She felt like a toddler learning how to walk again. She placed both hands on the edges of her coffin, slowly raising herself on shaky legs. Finding her balance, she stood there for a little bit to strengthen her muscles. If she was once dead she wondered just how long it had been since her death. If she was green, had it been awhile? 

She slipped the cloak over her shoulders, pulling the hood over her head. She slipped the clay mask over her face, it being a perfect fit. Yes, this will work for now.

She stepped out of her coffin, the zombie taking a few steps before turning to look at her container. It even looked like someone had dug her out as there was a large hole right next to her coffin. Not even a note? She will need to have a word with whoever is “helping” her if she ever comes across them. 

Suddenly, the pang of something familiar seeped from within her chest. At first she had no idea how in the world she was going to find her way out of this desert, but now she knew exactly where to go; to a city that lay on the border of a great forest and the vast sea of sand.

She began her trek, hoping to find the answer of just what happened to her in this city. As she walked she noticed that she felt rather comfortable, even though it was so hot that she could see the heat waves dancing just above the horizon. But, naturally she guessed, she was dead. There was no need to regulate her temperature anymore as she was deathly cold to the touch. She would have to be careful with who she bumped into. She had forgotten the customs of this world, but she imagined that no one would pay too kindly to a zombie. 

She placed a hand over her heart. To feel nothing push and pull against her ricage was a rather surreal emotion. She had no memory of her past life, but she felt absolutely unnatural. No pulse, no use for breathing…What was she to do now? 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Please, father, you know that I can help!” Mariposa declared as she ran after her father, King Julius. However, she kept a good five feet between them. She did not understand it, but for some reason she was not allowed to show affection for her father. To be close, to be held, it was something that she never experienced. 

“Royals do not have time for such pleasantries. Now be done with it.” Her father had announced to her at an early age when she kept trying to hold his hand. And so, she learned to respect his space. He was the king, after all. And the king should be held with the utmost respect next to the queen. 

“I have already told you no! Now, be gone from my sight!” King Julius said in a authoritative voice. Mariposa couldn’t help but stop in her tracks, a flinch coaxed from her very body as her aquamarine wings fluttered in anxiety. It had been awhile since her father had last hit her, but she knew that it was for her own good. It was always for her own good. However, she couldn’t help but react in such a way, Mariposa cursing herself internally for feeling unsafe. 

She did not wish to bring about his wrath. As much as she knew that it was all for her, she still disliked seeing this side of him. To be fair, there was really no other side to King Julius, but he seemed to be soft to his mate, Queen Espe. Mariposa wondered if she could have a relationship that warranted such pleasantries one day but between a father and daughter. 

And so, she needed to do this. To prove it to him that she can be like the others. 

Mariposa was a moth, the last of her kind. After the great war between butterfly and moth, the moths who had once imprisoned the butterflies were rightfully overthrown. Mari’s parents, the king and queen of the moths, were executed to pay for their sins and during this time there was a great plague amongst the population that wiped out a lot of the moths. Their military power was stretched impossibly thin, a collapse from within bound to happen to which it did. The top brass were murdered, by their own people, no less. And the rest of what was left of the moths fled to the far reaches of Earth. 

Mari was abandoned, but King Julius was merciful enough to raise her like his own. She knew that his “tough love” would soon shape her into a fine woman one day, even though she will never be able to rule. She shouldn’t be given the opportunity to anyway, not after what her people did. 

And so, she curtsied and excused herself from her father’s presence. Weaving through what seemed like infinite hallways of this overly large castle, she finally found herself in the center to which a great garden lay. A vast collection of butterflies over cast the garden, the creatures taking their time to lazily fly through the warm air or suckle on the nectar of the many flowers that lined the rows of dirt and planters.

Mari pulled out a small package of nectar from her short’s pocket, filling a cupped hand with the sweet treat. She then patiently waited but not for long as packs of butterflies began to flock towards her. She hummed with delight as various types of butterflies filled her space. Their tongues would dip into the nectar as they suckled, each moving away to make room for another. 

“How polite of you guys.” She said to them, her eyes whipping to the sight of a monarch butterfly that was inching its way down her fore arm. She gave a thin line of a frown. “I’ll prove it to you.” 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t ask how moths can sense when a wayward soul is nearby but she supposed that it was all in her antennae. Way back when, moths were known as “keepers of souls”. Their job was to lead souls to the afterlife, souls that did not wish to go or just couldn’t find the way. Mari thought that it was an honorable practice, but for some reason, the moths did away with it. What happened to the wayward souls that were left to their own devices? Well, the butterflies took over that position, only the top guard being allowed to lead wayward souls to their destination. 

Mari believed that if she could just find one soul and lead them to a better place, perhaps her father will look at her differently. That she wasn’t like her ancestors and that can be the new era. She just needed to find one…

The sun had begun to set when Mari spotted a lone, undead in the distance. She couldn’t help but jump in the air with a “Yes!” She was going to do this!

Before she knew it, her legs took off. She found herself running at the wayward soul that trekked languidly before her, Mari not noticing just how off this person was. Even for an undead. She felt the air within her lungs becoming scarcer and scarcer, her legs weakening and the urge to just slow down was beginning to rear its head. She definitely needed to get herself more fit! Royals were never expected to run from place to place, they had servants to carry them to their destination. But the uneveness of the terrain was making it even more harder to run. 

Finally, she made it to the cloaked and masked figure who seemed to tremble and sway on their feet. “Hello there!~” Mariposa announced herself, slowing down until she came to a stop just in front of the other. “Whew! I-huff-really…Need to get into shape.” Mari curled over, placing her hands on her knees as her wings rattled behind her. In her excitement she had forgotten she had them which were far stronger than her arms and legs. They were soft and delicate, but if used correctly they could be by far the deadliest weapon. 

But before Mari could continue, she heard soft moans and snarls that emanated from beneath this soul’s mask. A quivering, green hand reached up to pull the mask off, the clay accessory plummeting to the sand below. “Hungry…” Was all Ripley could mutter before she began to inch her way towards Mari. 

“Oh, uh, souls eat? I…Shit I didn’t research this further. Should I have brought some food for your trip?” She couldn’t help but muse to herself, to which she did not see the undead girl lunging at her.