#i just wish the original was less blurry

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

[etherealising]

one | christmas (baby please come home)

pairing(s): carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader | fem!reader x original male character | the bear x fem!reader

synopsis: you reunite with carmy at the berzatto family christmas, five years after your falling out.

warning(s): angst | fluff | pining | semi-unrequited love | minimally edited

wc: 7.8k

READER HAS A NICKNAME BUT OTHERWISE AMBIGUOUS

A quiet Christmas playlist drifted through the confines of the house as three friends sat gathered around the kitchen table spending much-needed time together catching up while building gingerbread houses, the various glasses of wine shared between the three of them lowering their inhibitions. 

“Baby! You’re not even looking at the camera.” Natalie’s slurred words caused a fit of giggles to spill out of you as you held up your dilapidated gingerbread house whatever artistic skills you possessed washed away with all the wine swishing through your bloodstream. 

You positioned yourself once more smiling at Nat’s phone as you held the slowly crumbling house, Pete instinctively leaned over to join you for the photo only for his reindeer antler headband to poke you in the eye. Both of you fell into a fit of hysterics as Nat giggled behind her phone most likely snapping blurry photos. 

None of you could be sure how you’d gotten to the point of being wine-drunk on Christmas Eve. The celebrations began when Nat and Pete picked you up from the airport earlier that morning, the three of you deciding on a quiet night in with a home-cooked meal, followed by a night of Christmas festivities courtesy of Pete which you could never turn down especially when seeing how excited he always got. You remembered Natalie listing off her worries for tomorrow’s dinner as she poured the three of you wine, that first glass somehow turned into two empty wine bottles in no time as the three of you enjoyed each other’s company. 

“Wait, wait we’ve got to get a picture in our matching pjs!” Pete was by far the most sober of the three of you and that was probably how he won the game of rock, paper, scissors that forced you into wearing the set of Christmas pajamas he bought you that were a replica of the ones he and Nat currently had on.

You shook your head immediately, not wanting any more photo evidence of this night, especially knowing Nat was probably sending these pictures to Mikey who would most definitely never let you live down matching with the married couple. “I think we have more than enough pictures.” The words felt heavy as they rolled around on your tongue and you couldn't help but giggle at how slow you felt like you were speaking.

Nat moved around the table to your side wrapping her arms around your neck as she leaned her chin against your shoulder and her cheek pressed into yours. “Pretty please Baby, we only get to do fun things like this a couple times a year when you visit.” She moved her face away to give what you assumed were supposed to be puppy dog eyes but was really just her concentrating extremely hard. “If you love me you’ll do it.” 

You rolled your eyes pretending to be put out by the married couple, not wanting them to know just how much fun you were actually having. While you were thankful for your success and the career you built up for yourself, that meant that you spent the majority of your time traveling and working, and while it was nice to see the world, sometimes you wished you could take more than a quick beat for visits like these. You hadn’t visited Chicago as much as you would’ve liked since moving to the West Coast, which meant you saw less and less of the family that made you one of their own all those years ago. You watched as Nat and Pete struggled to set up the phone in the living room for the group photo, giggling at how they seemed to feed off of each other as though they shared a single brain cell between the two of them.

Nat waved you over once they got the phone set up, “Oh! We should do like one of those awkward photo shoots.” 

You groaned, shaking your head back and forth while Pete stood next to you aggressively nodding his head in approval, the two of them were so goofy together you’re unsure why you ever thought you’d have an actual choice in how this unprofessional impromptu photo shoot was going to go. While you may’ve been inebriated that didn’t mean you were on board with every decision the two were making, but you also loved them too much to tell them no, and as you watched them excitedly try to figure out what pose to go with you figured you could feed into their inherent goofiness just this once in the spirit of Christmas.

Carmy stood in the kitchen of his childhood home watching as his mom prepared for Christmas dinner the following day, vehemently refusing any help when he offered it up but forcing him to keep her company and recount all of his culinary adventures as she worked.

He watched his mom move around the kitchen in an organized frenzy, talking to herself at points when she listed off what needed to be done next. Carmy could already see the weight of the looming festivities hanging heavy over her head, stressing her out before the day even began. While he understood and appreciated her love for food and cooking probably more than anyone considering she fostered that same love and appreciation within him when it came to the culinary arts, he always wondered why she insisted on cooking family dinner every year if it always ended in a mess.

“Oh fuck me!” The loud expletive forced Carmy from the recesses of his mind as he stared in his mother’s direction. “Carm honey, do me a favor and finish decorating the fireplace, the box of decorations is already out there.” 

Carmy stood there a minute longer trying to compute the fact that his culinary excellence was being disregarded and he was being put on decorating duty, “Carmen. Can you do it or do I have to do every fucking thing myself?” 

“No, uh yeah I got it.” He met his mother’s eyes nodding his head up and down in acquiesce, to let her know he had it under control.

She shooed him out of the kitchen returning to her food prep before he even made to move to the living room. Carmy quickly found the box of decorations exactly where his mom said it would be, the house was abnormally quiet he assumed Mikey was at The Beef but he couldn’t be sure he had no need to be near the sandwich shop at the moment and Sug moved out ages ago so here he was stuck in his childhood home with nothing better to do than decorate the fireplace mantle.

Carmy knew however he decorated the mantle his mom would just come behind him and fix it to her liking, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try. Maybe if he got it close enough to how she liked she would have to do less fixing. He was surprised to find how calming decorating the mantle was, but maybe that was only because he didn’t care to impress anyone with his subpar decorating skills.

Reaching into the box Carmy pulled out the stockings each one designated to one of the Berzatto siblings. He easily hung the stockings onto the hooks on the mantle before reaching in for the last one, embroidered with a name he was sure he hadn’t seen in far too long a time. Carmy was foolish to think that because he ruined the friendship between the two of you that his family would disregard your whole existence over his mistakes. 

Carmy remembered how hard he tried for the first couple of months after he’d left to get into contact with you, to try and let you know just how sorry he was and how much he missed your friendship…missed you. If you ever gave him the chance, he was sure he’d spend his whole life apologizing for that moment. 

That night would haunt him forever, and his mind made sure of it, the worst moment of his life was on a constant loop anytime he got a moment of calm and quiet. Which wasn’t often but they happened enough for the hurt and pain on your face from that night to be permanently seared into his mind. And when it wasn’t memories of the way the moonlight illuminated the tears running down your face from that night, it was the overwhelming guilt that weighed on him for ever speaking to you that way.

Carmy’s hand traced across the embroidered thread of your name as though passing over it enough times would permanently thread the letters into his skin. He hesitated, unsure if they still hung the stocking long after you moved, a moment passed before he decided he would hang it if only just to catch a glimpse of something that reminded him of you. Carmy maneuvered the other stockings around in order to make space for yours trying to ignore the warmth that filled his chest at the sight of your name hanging directly next to his. 

He was pulled from his daze as his phone vibrated multiple times in rapid succession, he pulled the device out of his back pocket unsurprised to find Nat blowing up the sibling's group chat, plus Richie courtesy of Mikey. He was ready to shove the phone back in his pocket when a message coming through from Richie caught his eye, his heart sped up a bit as he read it before it disappeared off of his screen. 

Carmy was positive he had never opened the sibling's group chat as fast as he did at that moment. Opening the text chain he frowned at the assortment of pictures above Richie’s message doing his best to figure out what the hell he was looking at. The first few pictures were of Pete and Nat and as much as he loved his sister he wasn’t interested in seeing either of them. His thumb began swiping through the photos rapidly unsure why anyone would take so many photos of the same things over and over again. Carmy found himself stopping on one picture in particular, a picture that was neither Sug nor Pete, but presumably, the person who took the previous pictures of the couple. 

There you were. 

Smiling so wide it almost looked painful, a glow to your skin that made Carmy unsure if it was from the phone camera or if you were actually glowing. The picture was blurry but for the most part, he could make out your features, he would recognize you anywhere even after all the time spent apart he would be able to pick you out of a crowd with no trouble at all. That’s how deeply you were ingrained into his brain even if the last time he saw you was when you were a fresh high school graduate.

He scrolled once more the side of his lips ticking up at the same photo this time just a lot clearer, he absentmindedly saved the photo to his phone before resuming his viewing. Carmy’s eyes were always drawn to you when you were in any of the photos, at some point he began disregarding Sug and Pete entirely, giving you his full attention. He couldn’t help the quiet chuckle as he scrolled through all the shenanigans the three of you got up to saving another individual shot of you in front of the Christmas tree in Christmas-themed pajamas with matching socks and a headband with two candy canes in the shape of a heart. The sight of you smiling directly at the camera made it seem as though you were looking directly at him, a blush rose to Carmy’s cheeks at how pathetic it was for him to get so worked up over a few photos of you. He looked at the last photo a moment longer before realization dawned on him, his eyes quickly shot from his phone screen to the stocking he hung up. 

Carmy scrolled through the recently sent messages he missed after staring at the pictures of you so long gathering enough information to confirm his suspicions. He quickly turned on his heel before heading back into the kitchen.

“Yo ma,” she gave a distracted hum which was enough for him to begin his line of questioning. “Is uh…does Baby still come to family Christmas?” 

The older woman stopped what she was doing turning to face her youngest son with the most egregious ‘are you fucking stupid’ look Carmy received in a while. “Do I bust my ass every year preparing seven fishes that nobody ever fucking appreciates or eats?” 

Carmy was unsure if it was a trick question but as his mom raised her eyebrows awaiting an answer he realized there in fact was a right answer, “Yes?”

She shook her head looking him up and down as if he were a stranger “I don’t know what’s gotten into you Carmen, it’s like you're from a whole different fucking planet. Of course, the girl comes to Christmas, we're the only family she’s got left.” She stopped speaking to pull out the pack of cigarettes she kept on her slipping one between her lips before speaking around it. “And you would fuckin’ know that if you came home once in a while Bear.” 

Carmy nodded his head ignoring the last sentence as he let the information settle in, he would be seeing you face to face for the first time since high school, and the two of you would be in the same for hourse. He took his chance to slip out of the kitchen as his mother turned back to finish her prepping. He needed some time to himself to try not to work himself into a frenzy as he thought about what tomorrow would bring.

The Berzatto family home looked exactly as you left it all those years ago, the only noticeable difference was the Christmas decorations but other than that it was still your bonus home, the home you spent as much if not more time in than your own home. 

The home you grew up in sat just right across the street, a family of three began renting it a year after you left for college and although it was weird to think that another family was living in the home that would always hold a piece of you, you were just happy to rent it out to a loving family. You’d try to find the time and bring them a goodie basket or something, you always sent holiday cards, but now that you were in town you could meet them properly. 

You stood at the trunk of your rental car staring at the array of wrapped presents trying to decide if you should bring them all in now or just wait. Your eyes fell on the matte black sleek box, the last-minute gift cost more than it would’ve if you bought it ahead of time, you bit your lip the longer you stared at it only now feeling uncertain about the unwarranted gift.

“You sure you’re up for this?” The voice came from your side, Hayden leaned against the car as he watched you stare at the box as though it personally wronged you.

A small sigh escaped you as you turned to face him, arms crossing over your chest “Not really, no but I come home every Christmas and I can’t stop just because he happens to be in town.” Hayden looked at you like he knew you were lying but decided against mentioning it. “Thanks for coming with me by the way, I know it was last minute…how you holding up?”

Hayden shrugged before looking straight ahead, “Well my best friend has been sleeping with my wife for the better part of a year, and said wife served me divorce papers two days before Christmas so.” His voice trailed off as he gave you a sarcastic smile. “But I would say you’re having a worse day than me so it makes me feel a bit better.”

You frowned, not entirely understanding what he was getting at, causing him to roll his eyes, “Oh c’mon Baby, the kid you’ve been in love with our whole lives is home for Christmas, the two of you never even dated mind you. He broke your heart years ago and for some reason, you’re still in love with the idiot but won’t pick up the phone to tell him, and all of your relationships have failed because you’re too stuck living in the past.”

“I should’ve left your ass at home wallowing in self-pity.” 

Hayden’s lips pulled into a sardonic smile as he tipped his head to you. “Well now we can wallow in self-pity together, you can stay out here in the cold looking at that stupid box, but I’ll be in that warm house drinking all of Miss Berzatto’s good liquor.” 

The front door opening drew both of your attention, your heads swiveled to watch Mikey exit the house and begin making his way to you, a frown lined his face as his eyes landed on Hayden by your side confused at the extra guest you brought with you.

“Why the fuck are the two of you standing out here in the cold.” Mikey’s gruff voice felt like a balm for the doubt that was beginning to eat away at you from Hayden’s unwelcome reality check.

Hayden moved quicker than you anticipated, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into his side. “Oh you know just reminding our girl here that love sucks and it's all a fucking illusion because no matter how much you love someone they’ll always end up fucking your pseudo brother.” 

Mikey’s confusion was evident as his eyebrows pinched together even more, his eyes darted between the two of you mouth opening to speak only to quickly close as you shook your head back and forth as subtly as possible.

“Hey, is your mom drinking yet?” Hayden’s question earned a hesitant nod from Mikey who was unsure if providing her a drinking partner was the best thing to do. “Great…great, well merry fucking Christmas!” Hayden pressed a gentle kiss into your temple before moving to head into the house, clapping Mikey on the shoulder as he went by. 

Mikey moved to stand next to you, the both of you watching the train wreck of a man head into the Berzatto household. “What the fuck is up with that kid?” Mikey turned to look at you trying to figure out exactly what kind of mess you brought to family Christmas.

“Sasha’s leaving him.” You watched as understanding washed over Mikey’s face a small nod following as he put two and two together at Hayden’s weirder-than-usual behavior. Mikey opened his mouth to give you shit about bringing the insufferable kid with you only stopping as you spoke over him. “He’s good people, Mikey, I just didn’t want him alone on Christmas.”

Mikey didn’t have an argument for that. As irritating as Hayden could be he found himself indifferent towards the kid you called friend. Mikey was loathed to admit it and he would deny it if anyone ever asked him, but he had a secret appreciation for the kid, Hayden was there for you during a tough time in your life, he was there for you when you needed a friend or someone in your corner who wasn’t directly connected to the youngest Berzatto and for that, Mikey respected the kid, but it's not like he’d ever tell you or him that. 

“Let me look at you,” Mikey’s voice broke through the quiet that had settled over the two of you, your eyes flashed to his face taking in the facial hair he'd decided to grow out. “All fucking grown up ain’t you. Can we still call you Baby or you too grown for that shit now?” 

You rolled your eyes at the joke Mikey made every time you came home before turning and grabbing your bag from where you sat it in the trunk, leaving the gifts behind and moving to walk towards the house with Mikey, “As much as I regret the nickname I’m not sure if I could get used to hearing you all call me by my first name again.” 

Mikey chuckled at your words, hand moving out to grab your elbow and stop you from continuing ahead. “Relax out here with me for a bit yeah?”

A frown lined your face as Mikey stopped in front of you, you could tell he had ulterior motives for stopping you, his hand moving to take the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket before lifting it to his mouth and lighting it. 

“You uh, you know your little boyfriends in that house right?” 

Your nose scrunched up at Mikey’s words, you could hear the teasing tone in his voice as he spoke but that didn’t mean his words didn’t make your chest ache. Of course, you knew he was here, but not until a week after you booked your flight and Nat gave you some bullshit excuse about how she just didn’t know he was coming home for Christmas. You were upset with her and rightfully so but Pete somehow still talked you into coming and so here you were pretending like seeing Carmy after so long didn’t matter, pretending like you hadn’t teared up on the drive over with your face turned to the window as Hayden drove, quietly reliving every vile word Carmy spewed at you that night in your head. Pretending as though you didn’t carry his words along with the hurt they caused within you for years like they didn’t change the way you viewed yourself and took up space in other people’s lives, maybe Hayden’s observation about you carrying the past around was more factual than you once thought. 

And it didn’t matter that he tried getting back in contact with you his first year in California or that he sent flowers and a card when your mom passed saying he’d come home if you needed him to. None of it mattered because it would never make up for the underlying truth in his cold, cruel words from all those years ago.  

Mikey’s eyes darted around your face watching the small changes in your expression knowing you were thinking about the past, his cigarette halfway gone as he lost you to the inner workings of your mind. He took another puff before letting it fall from his fingertips and stomping it out, the tears lining your eyes forced him to move faster as he tucked you into his chest listening to you struggle to breathe as you fought to keep the sobs from wracking through your body.

“Shh, shh, you’re okay. You can leave right now if you need to and no one has to know you were here.” His hand raised to stroke your head as he gently rocked the two of you back and forth. “Hayden will understand.” 

You pressed your forehead into his chest as you willed yourself to calm down not wanting to make it obvious you’d been crying once the two of you made your way inside although it was probably already too late for that. 

“Why does it still hurt Mikey?”

A deep sigh raised the older man's chest at your words, his hands fell to your biceps gently pulling you away from him. The look Mikey gave you said it all, a look that forced you to face a truth you’d been running from for the past five years. Creating a new life and pretending as though whatever misguided feelings you held towards Carmy were just that of a childhood crush. 

It still hurt because you never stopped loving him.

You were thankful Mikey didn’t speak the words aloud unlike Hayden, you’d already been lectured by him countless times on this subject, Richie even jumped in from time to time to express his discontent. No one could understand why you held onto your feelings for Carmy so strongly knowing firsthand how much pain and anguish they caused you. You were scolded plenty of times about holding onto all that hurt, being told to either let it all go or talk to Carmy. You couldn’t bring yourself to do either of those things. 

But you couldn’t keep living in your head and feeding into the fairytale of you and Carmy forever. You had to move on with your life at some point, and even though Hayden was correct that one moment from your past kept ruining your future, at this point, you were doing it to yourself. Although it was painful and it took some time, the broken record of Carmy’s words from that night five years ago made it just a bit easier. 

“Baby,” Mikey paused on his words trying to find the right thing to say he felt torn every time this topic came up. You were a little sister to him, he viewed you in the same way he viewed Nat. He wanted the best for you, but this wasn’t it and the both of you knew it. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself? I’m not saying you should forgive Carm m’ just sayin’ holdin’ on to all this hurt isn’t doing you any good.” He watched as you looked away from him, the realization clear on your face, Mikey could read you so well he knew you were tired of carrying the grief of that dead friendship around with you. His hands reached out to cup your face the rough pads of his thumb tenderly caressing your squished cheeks. “You’re finally in the same place after all this time, figure this shit out for both of your sakes.” 

An exhausted sigh escaped your lips as you fought the urge to come up with some lame excuse as to why now wasn’t the right time, but there’d never be a right time for the two of you. 

You wrapped your arms around Mikey’s waist once more needing the warm strong bear hugs he always provided to help calm yourself down enough to be prepared to face everyone, but also to signal you were done with this conversation entirely. You pulled out of Mikey’s grip as he gave you a look seemingly asking if you were okay, you nodded in answer, relaxing into him as he pressed a gentle kiss onto the skin of your forehead.

“Alright, let's get you inside before mom comes out here and cusses me out for keeping you in the cold.” Mikey’s hands rubbed up and down your arms to provide you with the much-needed body heat.

A genuine laugh left your lips knowing Mikey’s words were closer to the truth than one might think. Mikey moved to turn around and begin walking to the door but was forced to stop as you reached out to grab his hand. “I uh, I got you something.” 

His eyebrows raised in question, “Awe you didn’t have to get me nothin’.” You rolled your eyes rummaging through your bag for the two presents and holding them out to him once you found them, chuckling as you watched him place his hands over his heart mockingly. You knew Mikey didn’t do well when it came to sentimental moments and the best you would get out of him was a joke as opposed to anything else. 

You smiled holding the heavier of the gifts out to him first, “I wanted to Mikey, don’t think of this as a gift, think of it uhh…as a show of appreciation yeah?” You nodded, feeling your face warm as you let your eyes dart around so you didn’t have to watch his reaction.

Mikey smiled, finding your shyness endearing before tearing into the neatly wrapped paper and revealing a frame, his hands engulfed it from end to end. He smiled at it before you saw confusion etch across his face, “This is great Baby, yeah but uh what the fuck am I looking at?”

You shoved his shoulder before laughing at him and grabbing the frame out of his hands holding it in front of your chest, the glass facing him so he could still see its contents, “It's a trademark certification you dumbass, can’t you fucking read Mikey.” You joked to try and underestimate how big of a gift this was.

Mikey’s brows furrowed before he snatched the frame out of your hands to get a better look at the certificate sitting behind the glass, eyes snapping back up to your face with a look you couldn’t read. You shuffled your feet feeling like you overstepped a boundary you didn’t even know was between you and Mikey, “Don’t worry though I-I, put it in your name, I didn’t trademark it for myself or anything. I just remember how much you all used to talk about this, and I'm not sure if it's something you still want but I…I just wanted you to know I still believe in you. And I…I know how tough shit is lately and I promise I didn’t mean to step on your toes but…Mikey, you deserve good things too okay?” 

You could hear your long-winded explanation become more emotional by the minute but you needed Mikey to know how loved and appreciated he was. He was a big brother to you, always by your side whenever you needed him, he saw you through all the bullshit with Carmy and helped you to get through your mom's death. And when you were hellbent on throwing whatever little future you didn’t think you had left away he was right there with you pushing you to see just how much you deserved to get out of this godforsaken city and make something of yourself. 

“You deserve so much in this world Mikey, and I wish I could give it to you. But you need to know how much I believe in you and how much I love you, I’m always in your corner,” you paused trying to choke back another round of tears. “And Mikey I…I don’t think I would be here right now if it wasn’t for y-.” 

Before you could get another word out you were once again trapped in his comforting embrace, the both of you taking every bit of love and comfort the other offered in that moment. Mikey’s head tucked into your neck as you felt his uneasy breathing through your hands clutched around him. He wasn’t the type to get emotional in front of other people, and feeling a tear of his smear against your cheek as he raised his head from your neck and settled his bearded cheek against yours, you weren’t sure if you had done the right thing by giving him the gift or not.

The two of you stood in silence as you allowed Mikey to have this moment, not wanting to make him feel insecure about you being present while his emotions ran high. When he finally pulled away you could see the leftover sheen in his eyes. He tucked the framed certificate under his arm as both his hands reached up to grab your face, his eyes found yours, 

“Thank you, Baby,” the words were spoken so quietly you were surprised you caught onto them a small imperceptible nod of your head directed at him as you gave him a tearful smile. Mikey placed a kiss on your forehead before he grabbed the frame again and wrapped you in another hug. 

You decided it best to leave the biography you finally wrote, printed, and compiled about him after all these years in his room, wanting him to be able to experience it in private so he could indulge in whatever feelings it brought forth. 

Mikey’s head sat atop yours as your face rested against his chest, ear listening to the rhythm of his beating heart. The hug you shared with Mikey in that moment felt heavier than any other time you had the pleasure of being held in his arms. You’d be remiss not to notice but chose instead not to bring it up to him and enjoy the moment for what it was.

A moment of peace.

30 minutes passed since Michael escaped the house to do whatever the fuck it was he was doing outside. Carmy didn’t know and in all honesty, he didn’t actually give a shit either, too busy helping their mom out in the kitchen to try to give any thoughts to whatever grabbed Mikey’s attention. 

He was focused in the corner of the kitchen making Tiff Sprite to help alleviate her nausea symptoms. Anyone else would have done their best to block out the rambunctious noises going on throughout the house, but not Carmy though, the chaos fueled him, it grounded him. If the house was quiet it would have been too much for him, to be alone with his own thoughts ping-ponging around in his head, waiting for a chance to drown him. So if he had to listen to his mom list off a plethora of things he needed to make sure happened for Christmas dinner to go off without a hitch while he was making Sprite from scratch, he welcomed it. 

He finished his concoction just in time for Richie to walk through the kitchen, the older man trying to figure out how the fuck it was even possible to make Sprite from scratch. Gratefully taking the glass Carmy offered to him marveling at the carbonated drink in his hand.

Carmy nodded in his direction, “Yo Cousin, where the fuck is Mikey. He just fucking disappeared.” Carmy’s head swiveled around the kitchen checking whether his brother was there or not, coming up empty in his search. Richie glanced up before settling his eyes back on the drink in his hand still doing the mental math to wrap his head around what the fuck Carmy just made.

Richie jutted his head in the direction of the front door, “Outside talking to Baby.” His eyes finally focused on Carmy’s in time to see the color drain from his face at the older man’s words, the younger of the two looking as nauseous as the pregnant woman upstairs. Although he knew you were in town he’d gotten so sucked into the chaotic energy of everything that his mind hadn’t given him any time to overthink seeing you all these years later and if he knew Mikey was outside with you he would’ve made sure he was nowhere in the vicinity of your entrance, not because he didn’t want to see you or be around you but because after all these years he still had no idea how to admit every feeling he kept bottled up and tucked away from you. 

“Did you not know she was coming? Your moms invites her to every holiday, Cousin, and she comes every time.” Richie knew the last bit wasn’t necessary but felt Carmy rightfully deserved it, all anyone wanted from the youngest Berzatto was a visit.

“Dudes been out there for fucking ever though, those two idiots probably just standing outside like a bunch of fucking jagoffs.” Richie left the kitchen not waiting for Carmy to follow him before heading to the front door. He stopped moving the curtain on one of the side windows to spot two of the people he considered family and a surprise plus one. He let out a low whistle nudging Carmy’s shoulder who finally joined his side nodding his head to the window. 

“Awe and she brought her little boyfriend with her.” Richie’s words bounced through Carmy’s head like a game of pinball. You were seeing somebody? Carmy unceremoniously shoved Richie out of the way to get a glimpse of his own out the window, the older man did his best to hold in his laughter. 

Carmy looked out the window just in time to see you snuggly pressed into another man’s side, his brain working overtime to figure out who it was before he watched the man lean in and press a soft kiss into the side of your head causing Carmy’s stomach to sink. 

“When did they start dating?” Before Carmy could stop himself the question was out in the open, his voice sounded less curious and more annoyed than it should have. 

Richie knew what he was about to do next would probably get him into a load of shit but he couldn’t help but want to fuck with Carmy, would you beat his ass for it later, probably but that wasn’t gonna stop him from having his fun. 

“Ohh shit, nobody told you, Cousin?” Richie did his best to sound sad as he spoke, fighting to keep his face neutral as Carmy turned to look at him. “Listen, I don't think it's my place to tell you.” Richie raised his free hand and the cup up in defense.

Carmy could feel his heart speed up the longer he looked at Richie, “Told me what?” An apologetic look washed over Richie’s face twisting the feeling of despair deeper into Carmy’s chest. “Told me fucking what Richie?” He did his best not to scream in the man’s face but the longer Richie stayed silent the more Carmy was sure he was going to have a breakdown. 

“Carm…she’s,” Richie paused suddenly realizing that maybe this joke wasn’t as funny as he first thought it once was but he was in too deep now. “Baby’s married.” 

The tightness in Carmy’s chest intensified tenfold as his eyes traced Richie’s face for any inkling that he was lying. He could feel his palms becoming clammy as he tried to comprehend the truth bomb Richie just dropped on him. When did you get married? Why didn’t he know? 

Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he already knew the answer to that last question. You didn’t want him to know, the two of you weren’t those same kids from five years ago. There was no more sharing everything that happened in your lives with one another and Carmy only had himself to thank for that. 

“Don't fսck with me right now Richie.” Carmy was doing his best to hold onto whatever was left of his resolve not knowing if he could realistically spend his first Christmas home in years watching you be happy with some other man. 

Before the older man could admit to his fallacy the door swung open, the man in question walking through the door. 

“Yo, Richie how you been man? Tiff trynna kill you yet?” His voice drifted through the foyer as he shrugged out of his jacket while Carmy forced himself to turn around making eye contact with the man only receiving an indifferent look in return. “Carmen, good to see you home dude.” 

It took Carmy a moment to realize he knew the man standing in front of him, Hayden Ivanovski was always more your friend than he was Carmy’s but the two of them got along decently enough for your sake. Carmy’s eyes flitted down to the hand stretched out in his direction, quickly latching onto the gold band wrapped around his ring finger, the truth of the situation settled heavily inside of him as he shook Hayden’s hand.

“Yeah uh, good to be back.” Carmy restrained himself from physically massaging out the ache in his chest as he stood in front of the man who succeeded where he couldn’t. He let Hayden’s hand go, tuning out the conversation between Richie and Hayden as he lost himself to the overwhelming thoughts swimming through his head moving to stand just outside of the kitchen as he leaned against the wall. There was no doubt about it, you were married, and those hateful words Carmy spewed at you in the backyard of his family home five years ago probably only helped to push you into Hayden’s embrace. 

Carmy heard you before he saw you. He’d been so lost in his self-deprecating thoughts that he hadn’t heard the door open again. 

All of these years, all the skipped holidays, and Carmy was missing out on you. The sight of you standing in his family home helped to calm his racing heart but then he watched as Hayden pulled you into his side, the two of you looking like a picture of love as the man leaned in placing one more kiss to your temple, conveniently staring Carmy down from across the foyer. 

Carmy dropped his gaze from Hayden before focusing on you once more, the tension seemed to just bleed right out of him as he watched you glow in happiness even if caused by someone else. He was so caught up in his staring that he hadn’t realized the way Mikey glanced at him, eyebrows raised like he was waiting for Carmy to make a move he hadn’t prepared for and didn’t even know he could still make. 

He’d be lying if he said the years apart made him forget what you looked like. You were still the same girl he left in Chicago all those years ago except the wand of maturity worked its magic on you, and in his opinion he thought you looked more beautiful than you had in high school. 

Carmy was never one to pay too much attention to a woman’s features, and not because he didn’t care, it's just that he didn’t think it mattered, he wasn’t drawn to you because of your appearance it was just you as a person that always kept his attention. The comfort you brought him, the way he used to feel safe just being in your presence, the softness you taught him it was okay to bask in, and the way you allowed him to be vulnerable and unapologetically himself were what really kept him hooked. But as he drank in your form he learned in that exact moment why a woman might want people to notice the small things, and he made sure to do so as he stared at you from his vantage point staring around Mikey’s body. Carmy was sure he could look at you all day and deep down inside, he knew he would spend most of Christmas doing just that now that a future with you wasn’t attainable. 

He was pulled from his study of you as your voice rang through his ears, the way his name sounded coming out of your mouth warmed his body. 

“Merry Christmas Carmy,” he could tell your smile was forced, but even the fact that he was worthy of your attention at this moment was enough for him. “It’s nice to see you home.” 

Carmy tried not to read into your words knowing you were just being friendly but the way Mikey cleared his throat and raised his eyebrows at his younger brother, he knew he needed to say something. 

The moment was lost though as another voice interrupted the silence that fell over the group in the foyer. 

“Baby, is that you? My goodness, you look fucking gorgeous and you brought Hayden!” Half of Donna’s body popped out of the kitchen finally gaining a spare moment to greet the newcomers. Her words mumbled through the cigarette between her lips, while she held a ladle in her right hand and the left was occupied by tongs. Her apron was covered in all sorts of sauces and whatever the hell else she was in the kitchen making.

Carmy watched as you laughed half in amusement, you and Hayden both waved in his mother’s direction. Hayden gestured for you to walk in front of him as you both made your way to the kitchen. Donna waved the tongs in Carmy’s direction, “Jesus fucking Christ Carmen, take the girl's bag and coat. Don’t just fuckin stand there.” She huffed eyes glaring the longer Carmen stayed glued to the spot. “C’mon Hayden, I need someone to drink and gossip with.”

The man wasted no time tossing his jacket atop the rest of the pile before maneuvering around Carmy and you. Richie and Mikey had dispersed at some point leaving the foyer empty aside from the two old friends. Carmy gestured for your tote, taking it out of your hand before awkwardly helping you to slip off your jacket doing his best not to touch you unnecessarily. 

Carmy tried to match the small smile you gave him as you made to move around him but was sure he just looked miserable. He was surprised as you gripped his bicep before walking past him, “I uh, I actually bought you a Christmas present. So um, find me later yeah?” He watched as you genuinely smiled at him for the first time in years, unsure if the rhythm his heart was beating in was healthy or not.

A concerned look washed over your face at Carmy’s silence forcing the man to hesitantly nod his head surprised you would’ve gotten him anything after all this time. He opened his mouth to speak but settled against doing so, sure he would make a fool of himself, instead giving you a small shy smile in return. Carmy watched you a moment longer, your own mouth opening and closing like his once had before you settled on a simple nod and dropped your hand back to your side, before walking into the kitchen.

Whatever little hope that interaction had given Carmy was dashed as soon as he heard Hayden’s voice call out to you. You were happy and that’s all he ever wanted, Carmy knew he should’ve been happy for you, but he couldn’t bring himself to come to terms with the fact that all of this could’ve been avoided if he had just been honest with you five years ago.

Maybe then he wouldn’t have to watch as another man brought forth the happiness that once used to be reserved for him. 

a/n: well, well, well what do we have here? gonna be honest idk how the bear fandom is doing so this series rewrite may not get as much love as the original, but that doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

some quick housekeeping as we begin this journey once more; ya girl is working full time so updates will be sporadic, genuinely have no upload schedule so please if you read this rewrite be gracious and understand i have a real life outside of fic writing. other than that please enjoy like/comment/reblog it means a lot.

i've missed you all so much please fangirl with me over these two once more! 🫶🏼🤍

[kaedekolya]

alien stage "cure" lyric translations

i've been losing my mind over how poetic the korean lyrics are, so i tried translating them a little more closely to the original! there are so many implications and so much nuance that it's simply impossible to fully convey them in english, due to vocab and syntax differences, so there will be a ton of translation notes below. please cry over this tragic pair with me :")

[ disclaimer: i am in no way trying to imply that the official translations are subpar, because they're actually really good — it's difficult to convey the full extent of meaning while remaining concise enough for closed captions! i just want to share my own take on the original lyrics ^^ ]

r o u n d 6 — c u r e

Please permit me, till the tips of your hands Please permit me, till the tips of your feet I wish for you to melt me within your eyes I don't want to lose you I plead of you, inflict wounds upon me I plead of you, make it so that I am hurting Until not a single drop of me remains I dissolve in you Till these stars, which will crumble Buried within eternity, which will fade into a blur At the edge of your frigid lips Read me, please That's right, me Even the sharp words you gave me Even if they leave scratches beneath my eyes I wish they remain upon your tongue Even if everything is shattered, it's okay Now, please, look at my wounds Now, please, cure me Just so that my unease may be dampened So that I dissolve into you Above these nights, which will be drawn Screaming into the silence, which will collapse Within your pupils that gaze at me Drink me, please That's right, me This song without an end Towards each other, we dance Our story, buried within eternity Till these stars, which will crumble Buried within eternity, which will fade into a blur At the edge of your frigid lips Read me, please That's right, me Above these nights, which will be drawn Screaming into the silence, which will collapse Within your pupils that gaze at me Drink me, please That's right, me

[ translation notes below the cut. ]

━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━

translation notes

"please permit me"

허락해줘, please grant me permission; implying the person Till is singing to (henceforth Mizi, for brevity) has authority over him.

"I wish for you to..." vs "I wish..."

a slight difference in conjugation; Till wishes that Mizi will do that action for him, whereas Ivan simply wishes for things to be a certain way.

"I don't want to lose you"

놓치다, to lose something or someone by missing them or failing to catch them; implies less agency and control than "to let go."

"I plead of you, inflict wounds upon me" / "I plead of you, make it so that I am hurting"

부디, implying an earnest entreaty, a fervent plea. here, the conjugation has Till asking Mizi to give him wounds, and give him pain.

"I dissolve in you" vs "so that I dissolve into you"

there is no exact translation for 물들다 (conjugated into 물들어 and 물들게 in the lyrics), but picture this: watercolour paints soaking into a white canvas, permeating across it, imbuing it. difference in adpositions: Till says 너로, indicating "by" or "with," whereas Ivan says 네게 (너에게), indicating "to" or "towards". so for Till, Mizi is the colour and he is the canvas, whereas for Ivan, he is the colours that are spreading towards Till. difference in conjugations: Till says 물들어, in present tense and active voice, while Ivan says 물들게 [하다], to make a certain state happen (note that this is different from the ~ㄹ 게 conjugation that indicates future intention). Ivan is saying please notice my pain and heal it, so that I permeate into you, which would then quieten my unease.

"which will crumble" / "which will fade into a blur"

the ~ㄹ conjugation here is a future indicative tense; the action it describes will happen, the state it describes will come to be. 무너질, "will crumble;" to fall by crumbling, crumpling, caving in, breaking down. 흐려질, "will grow blurry;" i chose to translate this as the more poetic "fade into a blur."

"buried within eternity"

묻힌, from 묻히다, to be buried; this word can also mean "to be stained," giving the phrase an alternative meaning of "stained upon eternity."

"read me, please" / "that's right, me"

the official translation says "read my soul," which might indicate the meaning that the creators intended, but the original korean lyrics only says "me." "그래," which i translated as "that's right," can be used in many contexts with varying nuance; it is an acknowledgement and a simple, light agreement. in some contexts, it can be perfunctory, in others, it can be an acceptance.

"even if the sharp words you gave me" / "even if they leave scratches beneath my eyes"

here, Ivan is downplaying the extent of hurt that Till has inflicted upon him. Till may use sharp-edged language, but Ivan describes these words as being given to him, almost as if they are a gift, implying he treasures every word Till throws his way. the word used for "scratches" is often used to describe scrapes left by fingernails; shallow, surface-level wounds.

"even if everything is shattered, it's okay"

부숴, from 부수다, to break, smash, shatter. the official translation says "you can break me apart," which might reflect the meaning that the creators intended, but since the subject and object can be omitted in korean and still be grammatically correct, this sentence doesn't indicate the subject that is doing the breaking or the object that is being broken apart.

"now, please, look at my wounds" / "now, please, cure me"

the word for "wounds," 상처, can also be used to refer to scars, but i chose the former to indicate the open wounds that Ivan wishes Till will cure.

"just so that my unease may be dampened"

그저, "just," implying that Ivan doesn't want for much, he is only asking for this small and simple wish. 불안, unease. it's not quite as intense as "fears," though it can be an indicator of it; it's closer to worries or anxieties. 가라앉도록, from 가라앉다, to sink, to subside, to become subdued.

"above these nights, which will be drawn"

그려질, from 그려지다, to be drawn, like a sketch or painting.

"screaming into the silence, which will collapse"

the more accurate conjugation would be "screamed," but i went with "screaming" for a smoother flow. 쓰러질, "will collapse;" to fall by collapsing, fainting, passing out.

"within your pupils that gaze at me"

translating it as "eyes" would probably read smoother, but the korean lyrics use the specific word 눈동자, meaning the pupil of the eye.

"drink me, please"

the official translation says "consume me," but 마시다 (original lyric 마셔줘) means "drink." it's simple and fluid, not as forceful as "consume" or "swallow." once again, Ivan never uses harsh or violent language to describe Till's actions.

"this song without an end"

i intentionally chose this syntax to emphasise the lack of an end, and to more closely mirror that of the original. it can also be translated as "this endless song."

"towards each other, we dance"

향해, towards, indicating direction. the official translation, "face to face," can be inferred from the word, but i like the idea of them dancing towards each other, going towards each other, as if drawn together in each other's orbit. (also, the irony that in reality, it is only Ivan doing so, only Ivan going towards Till; Ivan sings this line, like he wishes it were the case, like he wishes it were mutual, even as he knows it is not.)

"our story, buried within eternity"

in the previous instance of the phrase "buried within eternity," the object is not specified. here, the clause is completed with 채, meaning "the state of." specifically, this line would be "our story, in the state of being buried within eternity."

[ and that's it — thank you for reading! please note that this is mostly a line-by-line translation, as the original lyrics are composed of distinct clauses that connect in meaning, but not in grammar. the official translation wove the clauses together in proper sentences, whereas my translation mirrors the scattered discontinuity of the korean lyrics. ]

[nrieh]

I deciphered THE Page from Gale's Book!

Original text is written in Thorass, which is a (sort of) DnD "old English". I recognized the font when @dailygale posted several high-res screenshots. I knew I HAD to decipher it. Want to know what's there?..

Someone might find it familiar, but it's all broken, and parts are coverd by the palm layer. Here's the original for you:

The following winter brought an event no less strange than Wilbur’s first trip outside the Dunwich region. Correspondence with the Widener Library at Harvard, the Bibliothèque Nationale in Paris, the British Museum, the University of Buenos Ayres, and the Library of Miskatonic University at Arkham had failed to get him the loan of a book he desperately wanted; so at length he set out in person, shabby, dirty, bearded, and uncouth of dialect, to consult the copy at Miskatonic, which was the nearest to him geographically. (c) H. Lovecraft. The Dunwich Horror

The extra vertical bits in altered "aincient thorass" font and lower part are still unclear to me, to be honest. The lettering seems right, but I'm not getting it. A little bit disappointed that there were no secret messages to fans, who are crazy enough to read it, but the reference is...I mean, YEAH. My best wishes to the dev who chose it. Gale approves +25. I could not do much with the second page (this is the Tav's one), because it's all blurry as hell, even with sharpen filter, and it's harder to read.

ps: I blame Gale, because he made me unlurk on tumblr. Sorry if formatting is off, I have no idea how this shit is supposed to work..I hope it does work... it's my first time, but I just had to share it. :)

[insomnia-acquirer]

made this comic based off of a lil one shot I made! maybe will add more who knows! (click on art to make it less blurry)

The lil tiny one shot:

Pearl sighed, her spear forming in one hand as a small, pink rose lay in her other. Greg called it a “grave” and he said that these blocks of stone held significance. Pearl, not wanting to see her world’s grave empty, took her flower and left. Leaving to a statue where Rose shall lie in her memories. The vines cased around the stone, small lotus growing on every green leaf. Her spear sliced through like silk, leaving a small hole of outside light as pearl walked into the encompassing vine dome.

Greg had told her flowers had symbolic origins, especially at funerals. Pearl asked once she saw Greg put bright red roses on the small stone.

“Red means romantic love, and I- I need her to know I still love her as such,” Greg had said through tears, placing the last of his roses. Pearl, whilst staring into Greg’s broken demeanor, decided to make Rose a better place to rest.

Pink rose in hand, Pearl took the petals between her hands, straightening any into place. She wished, she hoped, that Rose couldn’t see into her mind, for secretly she wanted the rose to be the brightest red. So cherry red that the suns rays only made it glow, not a shadow that could dull it.

“This is so… well… stupid,” Pearl almost laughed, her hands shaking slightly,”you are not even dead.”

Pearl felt herself start to choke up,”you’re stuck, I just- why would you want to be?”

[cuttoncandyhair]

ranking ALL of Stella's transformations

27. Enchantix (S8)

Who knew Stella's Enchantix could be butchered to this extend? The colors are nauseating. It's so ugly, I'm gonna cry.

26. Magic Rock

What even is this? They didn't even try to make this outfit look good. Those colors- just eww.

25. Sirenix (S5) Underwater

The person who suggested turning Stella's beautiful, blonde hair this highlighter shade of green needs to be taken off the design team. The entire team needs to think over their life choices...

24. Crystal Sirenix

It's not the worst ever look. It's just- Crystal Sirenix. Forgettable and barely worth existing.

23. Magic of Sports

I don't have anything to say about this. A football trikot with wings. Neither any pretty.

22. Paintix

Not a fan of this on Stella. The outfit looks like it was designed by a child so it hits me with nostalgia, but- I don't know- not a fan.

21. Magic of Joy

I mean- I think it's nice. Can't really tell, since there's only this one blurry illustration of it.

20. Sirenix (S8)

Pretty. Pretty forgettable. Also, a downgrade from the original Sirenix.

19. Travelix

It's a cute outfit. It just doesn't make much of a transformation...

18. Onyrix

Stella in blue! Hell yes! Stella in this particular shade of blue? Ehhh.... I hate it, sorry. If it were a different color I would have loved this look.

17. Cosmix

Arguably the worst Cosmix. I hate this shade of pink on Stella. Especially on the pale Stella of season 8. Other than that, I think her Cosmix is kinda okay.

16. Charmix

The charms are way too much on Stella's base transformation. I love Stella's Magic Winx, but the extra elements kinda put the look off balance.

15. Butterflix

I hate the skirt, but her top had me enchanted. If the skirts weren't so childishly poofy and less uniform, Butterflix could have been such a successful transformation. I just think Stella looks nice, even in this version of Butterflix.

14. Dreamix

Stella's Dreamix has a very mature look. I like it, but I wish the orange fabric had more of a golden shimmer to it, like in the artwork.

13. Greenix

The outfit itself is really boring, but the colors- chef's kiss. The color scheme makes this rank way higher than it's supposed to be.

12. Foodix

Stella in yellow is always a highlight. I love this look for her. Just look at her, can you look away? I can't.

11. Harmonix

I wish they had used the colors of the artwork in the animated series. While I like Stella in yellow, the shade feels disconnected to the rest of her color scheme. But the overall look is pretty cute. Despite it being Harmonix.

10. Sirenix (S5)

I adore the colors of Stella's Sirenix. Especially the purple streak in her hair. Very chic. The transformation used to rank higher up my list, but I find it to be somehow lacking in depth.

9. Tynix

I'm not sure I love this color of her hair, but I do like the overall look. I strangely like Tynix, even though the transformation doesn't offer much in terms of personality.

8. Sophix

Sophix was originally rather low on the list. Then I looked at it for a while and realized it's actually awesome, take away the pink sleeve elements. Having undestood that, I appreciate it a lot more and it took it's rightful place here on the list.

7. Mermaidix

It's perfect. There, I said it. This transformation is worthy of first place. It's probably so low, because it has so many details and I like simplicity. But kudos to the designers to make something this detailed work so seemlessly.

6. Mythix

Stella's Mythix, like all 2D versions, is actually pretty cute. I like how the comic version has her normal hair color. It looks much better and warmer, in my opinion. This transformation deserves a lot more love, despite it being very simple.

5. Bloomix

Bloomix designs are too busy for my taste. Despite that, and the weird little ponytail, this design still counts as great. I adore the colors and the wings.

4. Lovix

I adore it. Always have, always will. I forgot how much I love this transformation. I really gotta make some Lovix fanart soon.

3. Magic Winx

Maybe this is up here only because of nostalgia, but I just love it. It's simple but does it's job. I have no criticism.

2. Believix

The weakest Believix of the bunch, but It's still a great transformation. I don't neccessarily love her skirt, but that's just me picking this look apart. It's awesome.

Enchantix

Just too beautiful. Maybe the most beautiful transformation of all. I can't not look at her. Deserved 1. place.

[chemzee]

Homies being homies

Just a silly, quick doodle

Sudden updated lore drop! Still marinating, still under reconstruction. So it's a bit foggy and I'm not sure if many stuff but here, since I got an opportunity ✨

Now that I've rewritten my own version of hpma story to follow my theory about how Daniel will bertray Elliot and will rat out NOTME, here's how it now goes:

Because Elliot suggested Daniel to join him, rather than NOTME in general, I believe Elliot isn't content with how things are in NOTME even though he seemingly holds a higher position there, if the Chinese first anniversary event is anything to judge by.

And with that, the rest of NOTME aren't exactly content of him either, especially the more loyal members and the actual leader. Elliot prefers to do things his way but he needed a partner in crime, which he found in Daniel. He perhaps often visits Hogwarts or Hogsmeade, even after graduation, so he could team up with Daniel when he needed him. So, he becomes less present/active in NOTME, which raises suspicions in the group. Some even suspect that he indeed has a new team or partner now, but without much evidence. One of the members, however, figures he could see if that's the case.

Daniel, on the other hand, agreed solely to get closer to NOTME and gather evidence against them. All of them, to rat every single one of them, this way, proving his mom has nothing to do with the organization. And while he didn't really get as close to NOTME as he wished (as in. not at all) he still managed to collect some evidence, but it wasn't enough, not until he meets at least one other member.

And the member showed up.

This part is bit blurry and needs to marinate but essentially, Daniel gets to meet Morgan (well, more so the other way around) and Daniel is aware that Morgan is part of NOTME, the same way Morgan knows Daniel is Elliot's new partner in crime. But the two, so far, don't rat each other out, Daniel because he wants to collect more evidence on other NOTME members and doesn't want to rat them out one by one but rather in groups/all together (bc if he didn't the group would sorta panic) and Morgan just doesn't see what benefits he could gain by telling other NOTME members about his being Elliot's helper, as he's primarily focused on his own gain in the group, not having much attachment/trust/respect for them.

While starting out tense,on Daniel's part mostly, the two end up, accidentally and surprisingly, striking a bit of a friendship, hanging out with other often until the two got rather close.

Which backfires against Daniel's original plan: rat NOTME out. Because before, he didn't care for any of the members. Now he does. He does care for one of them and he struggles to chose what to do, because he knows he can't just hide Morgan's identity and rat out the rest without him being revealed too at some point, no matter what he does, but neither is he willing to give up his revenge plan against NOTME, it's a lose-lose situation for him, a hard choice he struggles to make.

A part of me also believes Morgan, being a rather sharp individual with pretty good detective skills, has figured out Daniel's intentions and he knows that there's a possibility Daniel might rat him out, betraying him. And he... Doesn't know how to feel about it. On one hand, he doesn't want to go to Azkaban, obviously, especially not with his health. But on the other, he too, cares for Daniel a lot and he knows of the case about his mother, so he knows he's doing it for her and as someone who himself lost his family... He just wishes Daniel luck in reuniting with his mother and making things right, he genuinely wished Daniel happiness. He's just...not yet sure if he's willing to do so at his own expense. And he too, can't make a choice of whenever or not stopping him or letting him rat him out too.

So um. Here's that. Haha 🤪

[sonkitty]

The Sideburns Scheme Post #1 v3

(For reference: The Sideburns Scheme)

This post was last updated 08/03/2024.

Take it all in.

Treasure it for all that it is.

Because you will never see this hairstyle this clearly on Crowley ever again, not even from different angles...unless there's a treat waiting for us in season 3. But otherwise, no, that's all we get of this gorgeous, gorgeous shot.

...

Sideburn Check

Before we see Crowley pull that newspaper down, we are given a profile view of his right side of his face and can see his right sideburn. This sideburn looks short but is a little longer than the shortness we'll eventually see is the intended shortness after driving the car for a long enough time.

Let's take a look:

Wow, that is really hard to tell, but I'm still going to go with thinking it is little longer.

So, why is it a little longer in this human space that is the park?

Theoretically, it's a combination of factors that add up to Crowley making that newspaper his own personal door to manage his own personal space. I'll cover that more in the Earthly Objects section. It might also help that this human space is a more familiar one to him.

Two characters are going to show up, at different times, and there will be no interaction from him to them until he has deliberately pulled the newspaper down from his face. That is to say, he passes through his designated threshold to talk to them.

Once the newspaper goes down, we'll see the sideburns some more. They will look similar in length. It's hard to be sure due to the angles and expressions on his face.

...

Brighter Red Streak Check

In our initial view of Crowley, we can't see the streak. Once the newspaper goes down, it will become evident. That means we have to be suspicious of the fact that we didn't get to see it at the start of the scene because this story lies. Repeatedly. Something is amiss with its chronology. There is possibly a book somewhere in here and a lot of games messing with our heads.

There is a weird blocking and blurring thing happening all the time in GO2, and it's really overt in this scene. Basically, Crowley's right profile view from the side of the bench is going to just keep being blurry, so that we still can't really see the streak in those particular shots.

Otherwise, on the more clear front or other angled shots, it's more clear the brighter red streak is there.

Hairstyle Changes

Crowley's hairstyle changes frequently during GO2. It will even change in really subtle ways during scenes, such that I simply cannot catch every style. The style when Crowley pulls down the newspaper for the first time is actually something like in between the first shot we see with the profile view and then another shot after it when Shax arrives. You probably won't catch that if you aren't trying. I missed it when I was first studying this stuff some months ago.

Far more subtle, and admittedly iffy—I could just be seeing what I want to see—but to me, it looks like the initial right profile shot has a more obvious gradient. The hair towards the bottom matches his season 1 color better and gets brighter up until the top. The after-pushing-newspaper-down style has a gradient, but there is even less of the season 1 color on the bottom area, as if the hair itself is transforming into its new season 2 state. Here's a comparison view if you wish to decide for yourself:

Here's the original collection I made from this scene before realizing the first style at least is different:

Now with streaks indicators too:

So with all of the above in mind, I reached the following conclusions back when first trying to figure out the hair generally...

(1) Crowley's hair is now a brighter red than season 1, including season 1 present day and season 1 flashbacks.

(2) There is yet an even brighter, more saturated, streak of red hair above his left eye.

(3) His sideburns are longer than they were in season 1. At this point, we have no comparison to season 2 present day, but they are going to get both longer and shorter than what is seen here in this same episode.

(4) In this scene, the hair is lighter and more saturated on his left side; it is darker on his right side. For episode 1 at least, in my past notes, that was standard for most of it.

(5) I can't tell you what the top style is telling us about Crowley's mood, but it does seem to do that, at least sometimes. I'll point out if I think I notice it at times later.

(6) The left sideburn does not have as much hair as the right sideburn. Just as the color of the hair is lighter on the left, it seems the left sideburn is supposed to be "lighter" than the right through that way. That seems to be the more frequent way these things work, but it does sometimes switch.

...

Earthly Objects

For Earthly Objects, one of the reasons "earthly" is specified in the name of the game is touches can depend on how an object is used on Earth, instead of just limiting things to tangible objects and physical touches. For example, looking through a window is an earthly object touch because people look through windows to see things on Earth.

Next, I am going to talk about pockets, so this part is going to get ridiculous. You might want to skip down to the next "..." if my saying the newspaper is like a personal little door for Crowley was enough. My understanding of pockets is limited, but I'll share that limited understanding nonetheless.

Before we get to a lovely right profile view of Crowley, there's lens flare rainbow stuff!

Pockets love rainbows combined with Crowley. We can blame Elvis Presley and his song, "A Pocketful of Rainbows". The most noticeable and seemingly official rainbow, in my opinion, is the one right before Crowley himself appears in the cut. I have indeed, checked frame by frame, to see that technically it has not fully disappeared once Crowley himself is visible. It's really close though!

Okay, back to when we get a closer view of Crowley on his initial profile view.

Crowley has his back to the bench. He has his elbow on the arm rest. He has his line of sight directed at the newspaper as if reading it. Those are 3 possible earthly object touches right there. Crowley is holding the back of the newspaper with only two visible fingers. They are the index finger and the middle finger. Only the index finger is showing its tip. That's not enough to receive credit for touching the newspaper physically as an earthly object yet. He'll get that later, when he wants it done. The other two partly visible fingers on the front are probably significant as well.

For the record, I do not like talking about the pockets as frequently or to the extent that I do. I talk about them because I've noticed they are important. They irk me because they are the hardest part of these games for me, at the present moment. I am downright incapable of solving The Pocket Trick to my own satisfaction. A key mechanic in that Trick is the use of word play. Another is to use one's imagination.

One of the first things to know here about Crowley's super advanced play in Earthly Objects and pockets is that his tie strands are connected to his hands because they are his Tied Hands. It's actually really funny when it sinks in, but it does make the game so, so hard. These silly cute Tied Hands have thumbs. The thumbs are the tassels, so the tips of those tassels are the thumb tips.

Thumb tips matter for Door Mode.

Due to Crowley's posture, there is a pocket between his right arm and the bench itself. His right jacket sleeve is open enough that there is yet another evident pocket existing between his shirt sleeve and his jacket sleeve. This pocket is the key one of interest to me because the newspaper touches it. Even so, there is still another pocket formed between the newspaper, Crowley's right hand, and his clothing that the newspaper touches so long as a breeze isn't messing with it.

Those tassel tips I mentioned earlier...are on his pants. That's why I'm spending so much time on this part by the way. There's some metal thing sticking out that only ever sticks out here touching the vest. The belt is his Belt Head, which the vest does like to touch at other times. So, if this metal is somehow the buckle from the belt—since I can't see it being the tie or anything else, that's probably supposed to be its "tongue" while the other visible part of the snake on the belt is pocketed between the vest tips.

Update 08/03/2024: After going over this scene thoroughly months later, I can now see this metal thing is probably the lower metal part of the clasp for this strand. It's so hard to tell with the lighting and the tassel sticking out from it. The tassel could be bunched together then hidden behind the vest, then peeking out again. Here is a color-coded image of this possibility:

The red would be the metal parts of the clasp. The green would be the tassel. The black is the vest near this area. The part between the red that is not color-coded is some small extra part that connects these metal parts. I've also lowered the opacity on the overall screenshot. The color-coded parts are layered over it. I'm honestly still not sure this setup is exactly as I speculate; it just seems the more likely scenario at this point, after months of studying these scenes. For reference, here is another image of what the clasps and tassels look like from the front as I tried to figure out the possibility with lighting and angles.

End update.

Based on how the game plays itself, the Belt Head is helping the Tied Hands in ways beyond my comprehension, so Crowley can take advantage of pockets. What? Do they need belt assistance to be tied because he's sitting down and the watch is not on screen? Somewhere in here is Door Mode on the clothing, channeling its way through pocket imagination powers, so that all of the apparel can work together and give Crowley his newspaper door.

Apparently, this method requires the watch to not be visibly on screen for now. I really want to know what the watch's job is for silly pocket mechanics.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Check out the self-made pocket of hair since we have an active Belt Head messing with things:

Yeah, sure, could be nothing, but The Pocket Trick is really, really intentional about these types of things, and even though this scene is not one of the touches in The Pocket Trick, pockets are still relevant. I mainly suspect such things because of those tassel tips.

Even some of his hair is pocketing the collar of his jacket. The profile shot is so precise, none of the left part of his sunglasses can be seen.

While we're at it, Crowley's sitting really still. He'll be standing really still later in episode 6 with a more obvious pocket touch for The Door Trick. Said Trick is another big part of why I'm noting so much about the pockets by the way. It also has a self-made pocket of hair visible in the first cut.

Update 08/03/2024: I have gone over this scene cut by cut with a long list of what to look for in my attempt to figure out how retying works. Because of how I progress in the puzzles over time and for simplicity's sake, I am not going to give every painstaking detail here. I will say that if my notes are correct, the tying sequence goes something like the following. The Tied Hands are tied 8 times during this entire scene. They also switch which hand they are connected to 3 of those times. He uses reflection connections and Shax's lapels to make these switches. More can be found in visual form here: Park Reflections. I have long suspected retying is required for crossing every threshold but been unable to recognize them because one of its key clues is a "joint" or a "hinge". The obvious such key is the one I've looked for of a metal part of a clasp striking a lapel edge. Well, it doesn't have to be just that. An actual thumb joint, especially Crowley's left thumb CMC joint, can accomplish this same task. For instance, here at the park, the left thumb CMC joint presumably qualifies as at the edge of the newspaper in the opening back shot of Crowley. Even though it's not clear at first glance due to the distance, I can take in numerous other clues of the scene, such as the large reflections in the lake and the rainbow that tying is already done. If I zoom, I can then find the face of the watch and a very good guess at where the left thumb CMC joint is. I still can't confirm retying happens for crossing every threshold, but current studies suggest it is likely or will have some further puzzles where I'm supposed to figure out the method in use or why it might be exempt. The below notes will remark on things I noticed about the tying, the connections, and the reflections, without quite getting the full process in motion because I did not break down the scene cut by cut with extensive notes to myself to figure out such things back when this post was first published. End update.

Okay, that's enough about pockets. Finally! They'll be mentioned later but not to this extent.

...

During the scene after Shax shows up, Crowley's going to touch some mail. We'll see his shoes on the ground at one point. A notable earthly object touch is the first one he gets when Shax shows up after he pulls the newspaper down. He's going to see himself in the mirror. Crowley does not see the way humans see most of the time. He senses with his eyes. But a mirror's actual literal function on Earth is generally to look at yourself, or something of interest.

One of the ways Crowley can and does see is if someone—or something, is deliberately showing him an earthly object. So, by Shax holding the mirror and Crowley intentionally looking at it, with its general actual function, he theoretically sees himself.

That's helpful to him because based on his actions during the story, he doesn't sense that the sideburns themselves have changed length when they do, even if he's using them to manage his space. He checks by looking in the mirror if possible and necessary, notably in his car. Catching when he might be looking at all is harder than this one part of this one scene. He is quite subtle about it. This game wants people to look closely to catch these types of things as they play and interpret the story.

The cut between Crowley holding the newspaper in profile view and pushing it down has him holding the newspaper differently with his fingers. That could be a suspicious chronology edit or it could be Crowley testing/managing the bounds of his created space or both.

...

You can see some of the sky and dark parts of trees reflected in Crowley's sunglasses. I consider that significant because it's a clue among several others that great care is taken to what is and is not reflected in his sunglasses during this story. You can find out more about why I think that's important here: The Window Trick Visual Representation.

...

Story Commentary

I don't know what the stillness does, but I suspect it is relevant because of how still Crowley is near the end of episode 6 when standing by the door to the car. My overall guess has been that it helps Crowley be sensed or seen since humans often don't actually approach him with the exception of Nina later. However, one human approaches him here before Shax will later arrive.

Due to how I play these games, Crowley's seeming listlessness here actually strikes me as more of a strategic move than what it looks like on the surface. He has his saturated streak. He has his sideburns. He had his newspaper door. He's messing with pockets without even putting actual hands in pants pockets yet. There was a rainbow. This sneaky snake is up to a lot, and he's hiding the extent of what that is from Shax and whoever else is reading him in the story.

When Crowley leaves, he will pass by Shax with him in the background. He is blurred, and there's something gold around where he's holding the newspaper, that is presumably his bills. After he passes Shax, you can't see the presumed bills anymore. Due to the angle? In this story, I'm skeptical, but yeah, could be. Crowley's going to be conveniently obscured many times throughout the season.

Based on this timeline rundown post, this scene could easily be out of order from the presented story. The sunlight and rainbow stuff is too confusing for me to understand in trying to figure out the time, but I think the idea this scene takes place out of order is a good, valid one. The basis from that post is the chimes I didn't notice on my own and wouldn't even know what they mean if I had noticed.

Not only that, in my watching the scene repeatedly to try and figure out what pocket mischief Crowley's up to next, I noticed the tie strands keep just swapping what side of the vest they are on in different cuts with no indication he moved to make them do that. It's not every cut, but it happens. He's a demon, so he could just do that because he wants to, of course.

The scene has ducks and some other birds. While some birds do appear when Crowley makes it rain in episode 3, animals are otherwise rather lacking in appearance once closer to Whickber Street and wherever Crowley parks his car when it's isolated.

The scene is nicely lit, thanks to the sunlight. We actually aren't going to see Crowley's hair this well lit for quite a bit of the story due to the other settings, especially the dimly lit bookshop.

That's it for this post. Way back when I started to track these things, I did have a tendency to update even these posts, so that could happen again, just FYI.

...

Past versions of this post:

Post #1 (meeting with Shax in St. James' Park)

Post #1 with mistake

...

Project inspired by these posts:

Crowley’s Sideburns & what do they mean?

Ok, I love this theory that it could be some sort ...

[ineadhyn]

Writer interview

@vixstarria tagged me and I finally get to do it! Thank you <3

I am tagging @sky-kiss @scuttlingcrab and @thedomesticanthropologist

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13 and some are multi-chapter. All are BG3 except for a german Inkheart one

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

85.408 -that is a surprising amount of words for being active less than a year

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

His consort, his god - I finally wrote smut for a popular ship XD (bloodweave)

At her mercy - kinky sapphic Karlach x Durge smut

Natures most beloved treasure - Halsin x trans masc Tav smut

Direct from Hell Logistics - ongoing Raphael x Haarlep comedy/angst/smut/plot - this one has it all

A song of snow and embers and Copper Hearts share this place. one is a F/F/F/F foursome and the other my Astarion x male Tav longfic

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I appreciate every single comment and try to show that. There's nothing better than the e-mail that says "comment on your work" and it can make my whole day. Sometimes I don't know what to respond if it's just a word or a keybord smash, but rest assured I see you and I love every one of those, too.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Angsty ending hmmmm. Because some of my stuff is not completed yet I am not gonna spoil anything but Dust and ash about Astarion's backstory was naturally quite angsty

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Not. gonna. spoil XD

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not yet. Maybe I could count Copper hearts because I took Francys from my original work and planted him into Bg3

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, not yet.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do. I am exploring all kinds atm with preferably queer pairings wlw or mlm or nb. I can also write mlw from the men's perspective but not the other way round :D

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Boy I wish.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No and I am not sure if I could commit to a project like that.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Hmmmmm ... Raphlep probably

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

My german Inkheart fic with a genderbent lesbian Basta. Damn I was invested in creating this character, but gave up after a while because it was a lot of work and it being german and a niche topic in a small fandom was not very rewarding tbh. I know I should not care and maybe I'll come back to it when the Inkheart obsession comes over me again.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I am good at setting the scene. Atmosphere and small mundane details that make the setting feel alive. I have always liked that in reading as in writing, because it makes you feel like you are actually there when you can hear and smell and taste the scene.

Also I am okay at developing coherent plot, but that's mainly practice from writing a lot of og work before I started with fics.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

I still struggle with english grammar and punctuation at times so I always have a beta reader. And I am lucky to have great ones.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I am not a fan. It confuses me. Singular phrases and such yes, but not entire dialogue. Especially if it's german in an english fic I get super confused.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

*digs through her files* So, my first works were basically fic for my best friend's story. (I was in my early teens.) But since she was the author the lines between canon and fic are blurry and the "fandom" consisted of three people of which one was the author XD

So if we don't count that the first one would be Hunger Games - It was one chapter and I never published it

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

We'll see what posesses me next I guess, though I think Bg3 will stay with me for a considerable amount of time. And ship wise ... I feel Durgetash creeping up on me.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Definitely Direct from Hell Logistics. I am having so much fun with it. It constantly makes me laugh and sheme and I also feel all the angst. Also it is ongoing and I get to explore the story alongside the readers (though I have a rough plot structure to keep me on track).

[hedorahtheblogmonster]

My thoughts on Godzilla x Kong the New Empire. Spoilers!!

Overall I had a good time with the movie. As usual, here’s my first thoughts as GxK pros and cons

Pros:

-all the giant monster scenes are awesome. I was afraid setting entire scenes only with kaiju would lose some of the excellent scale (which is nominally true) but each monster is brought to life excellently through their animation. Godzilla and Kong have excellent characterization consistent with their MonsterVerse interpretations.

-Skar King and Shimo are just incredible. They have an interesting dynamic together, and as foils to Kong and Godzilla as well. They are easily my favorites of all the original titans of the MonsterVerse.

-otherwise, there’s plenty of background titans that all feel unique enough to stand out from Skull Island-esque ferocious giant animals to a few favorites from Godzilla’s MV rogues gallery

-I enjoyed most of the main human characters. Bernie returns and is generally more likable than Godzilla vs Kong (somewhat less infowars-y, which helps). Jia is a delight, and I like seeing the Iwi tribe back in the monsterverse after being macguffined away after Kong: Skull Island. Kaiju veterinarian Trapper is my favorite addition to the cast.

-there are lots of little references and details that Godzilla fans will love. Normally I roll my eye at such fan pandering, but because it’s about giant monsters this makes it good.

Cons:

-Junkie XL slogs his way through another generic kaiju flick soundalike for the entire movie. It comes on as very forceful and predictable which cheapens the experience. It feels unfair to compare his work to to Bear McCreary’s on KotM, though I don’t think it stands on its own merit either. I’m also not too fond of using licensed music in a film, which gets grating the few times it’s used here.

-all the human scenes feel incredibly rushed, which comes at the detriment to the performances. I wish they would’ve taken their time with some of their small scale scenes, but it’s deciding not compete with the big fancy kaiju-only sequences.

-maybe it was just the theater I was seeing the film in, but it seemed like all the human scenes in hollow earth had a vignette effect around the borders, making things blurry. It felt like they attempted a sort of dreamlike feeling for these scenes, but was totally distracting to me

-I wish there was a reference to the Monarch series or some sort of stinger for another movie but that’s just a nitpick

Overall, I don’t think I enjoyed it quite as much as Godzilla vs. Kong but it’s still a blast to watch. Godzilla x Kong the New Empire leans into the MonsterVerse’s best strengths, though it suffers in it’s pacing, performances and soundtrack. I’d give it a solid 7.5 / 10, though I should give it some time and a rewatch before I fully make up my mind. At the very least they’ve sold me on a Skar King/Shimo SH MonsterArts, which means they’ve won

[albino-whumpee]

Story idea:

Protagonist meets a being that presents itself as a god when they die. The supposed god tells them they’re so sad to see their life ending so soon they will grant them a wish. Protagonist makes the mistake of asking for eternal life hoping they would be revived.

They’re not so wrong, as they are revived in another world with another body. Cool, Protagonist thinks. Even if it’s a whole new world, they have read enough books and played enough games to know this is an isekai scenario. Their life wasn’t that great anyways, they will take it.

And so, they live in that world until they’re killed so easily and quick, they can only blink in stupefaction when they awake. They were sure they died, but wasn’t that against their wish? What is going on? They’re also in a different body and a different world???

They last longer this time, but they eventually die again at the hands of a monster. They wake up in someone’s arms. A baby’s body could last a bit longer if treated well, but they understand this life will be even shorter than the first when they’re tossed into the water.

“If you keep dying so quickly, it will be no fun” the deity tells them through the mirror in another world. They demand answers, and the deity is displeased, but complies. The deity explains they would only grant wishes if they were entertaining and an eternal body will some day perish to time itself. So, in order to not lose their new toy, they chose to take some liberties in the interpretation of their wish.

“When you have had enough of living, just tell me. I have no interest in watching ungrateful humans. I only grant wishes to entertaining humans. But if that day comes, I will have you live through all the deaths you have lived until then as to commemorate your eternal life. So, what do you say? Wanna continue? You have only lived three deaths so far, shouldn’t be too painful, right?”

In a panic, the human begs to be reincarnated again. At least that will give them time, right? But with the next few lives, they understand the true intention of such a god granting them “immortality” was to watch them die terribly over and over and over.

And each time, they restart in yet another body in another world.

This person slowly lives a thousand lives. Some good, some great, some in misery and others in greatness. Depending on what they spawned as, their life lasts a long time or a short time. At the beginning, even if their body changes, they are aware of each body’s capabilities. They still call themself their first name internally. They still have fresh and clear the intention of living forever was based in having so many regrets and too many wishes and desires. This starts to blur as the number of revivals increases.

In each life, be it an insect, be it a being from some planet beyond the observable universe, be it some variation of humans, be it a single microorganism that will only last a few hours, be it a king or a witch, a traveler or an animal, they will die a dreadful death eventually.

They try so many things and invent some themself. Their brain changing also makes their “self” changes accordingly. Even if sometimes they can keep their memories and knowledge intact, there’s many times they start over from 0 until a few turns later, a few memories flash back.

Their original name…what was it? Slowly, even the memory of how they looked like becomes blurry. It becomes a haze when they live a thousand lives. What is even the point of remembering it? They’re not that person anymore.

They’re not anything they were and yet they could be it again in the next life. As they realized after a few thousand lives. Where they revived as someone close to them on that round. Regardless of their tries to have a peaceful death, slit throats and suffocation became the options most likely to happen.

They wished their bodies could get numb to the thought of death like their consciousness did. Maybe that would make the process less painful.

The god would make sure to keep things interesting, they realized as things they would be proud of and happy about weren’t always the things that amused the god. A “trial” would come if their actions were unsatisfactory.

They did the mistake of thinking working to please them only would end up in them living longer and found out what they were always looking forward to was their death and their death alone.

So close calls were the only thing that interested them so much, they would be rewarded with calm days or even weeks.

They had been an amazing actor and actress in a few of their lives, they could perform like the most perfect toy for their blood-seeking god.

And so, many lives were lived in a dance of close calls being absolutely planned ahead.

The more lives they lived and remembered, the less they felt a sense of individuality, however.

They had been plants and animals, cut and eaten. So meat and vegetables only brought back the sensations of death itself.

They had been unjust and virtuous and still was punished for their acts regardless of their alignment. So how could they judge, if they understood and knew they would do the same?

They were small and big, lived long and just a moment, lived in love and deprived others of such. So like costumes or masks, they wore each life as their suit for the occasion, the experience of the oppressed to be a better ruler. Learning was empirical and if it wasn’t, they had the experience to learn from their mistakes to arrive at a different conclusion.

For centuries and millennia, they provided endless entertainment to their sadistic god.

So, ah the start of their new life, they receive some news.

“You’ve been the only one to last this long! If you die a peaceful death on this life, I will set you free”

“…what does even free mean to you?”

“Learnt from your mistakes hm?” The deity laughs “I mean I will stop the cycle. You will die for real this time”

They can’t hold a tiny laugh, “What would be fun about seeing a geeezer just die? What will happen when I do die, then?”

“Nothing”

“Just like that? Without living through deaths 0 to 3999?”

The deity nods and the one that has lived too long suddenly feels a pang of actual hope in what seems an eternity,

“For real?”

The deity smiles in a toothy grin before disappearing in thin air “that’s only if you can die a peaceful death”

[whenyoucallmelover]

I feel so annoyed sometimes that harry - be it in twitter comments or fanworks - is appointed alpha male protector because of his build. okay he has broad shoulders and back and he loves to exercice which emplifies that but it doesn't defines his "roles"/attitude/temper/ect?? I mean I'm just tired of the "tiny cute shining sun louis who must be protected" and "look how big and tall harry is" cliche as if it must defines their whole personalities. Louis however smaller he may be, as always felt more like the protector one to me I mean they kinda share that and all but it's more obvious in him. Being the big brother figure and all. Also from testimonies we got from the backstage over the years, harry is often described as the shy one when out of the spotlight while louis gets described as outgoing and at ease most of the time. And- anyway I should stop. I just made the mistake of reading a few tweets and must have woken up on the wrong foot because I just couldn't ignore them today. (mmh... I'm realising as I write this that may be it touches me because I'm projecting? Like irl I'm in the 'broad shoulders' club and always wished I'd be smaller, tynier because it'd made my wish to be protected would be more 'logical' or legitimate... anyway I digress)

well hello there! interesting thing to think about!

i get what you mean! it can feel very one dimensional when people view big = manly and strong & short = soft and dainty.

back in the day, i definitely saw this happen between harry and louis a lot! luckily, i think as the fanbase has grown (and grown up), i personally see it happening less, which is nice!— not bc you can’t be big/small and have personality traits that ‘match’ your outward appearance; it’s just nice that people have considered more than just someone’s outward appearance!

(i always think about the “dark harry” and duplicity and after era whenever i see people talking about this sort of thing and it just makes me laugh, haha. it’s all a bit ridiculous.)

it really is an interesting thing to consider regarding fanworks… the lines within real-person fiction can be blurry! i mean, if you want to do some creative writing where louis is fragile or dainty and in need of a big, tall, strong harry (or whoever, of course! i’m just using them as a relevant example), i think it’s just important for it to be understood & acknowledged that these people are being used as characters, and are being simplified to a less complex and dichotomous version of the real people.

we, as humans, are never going to be the strong one or the weak one or the dominant one or the submissive one, etc, at all times. and i think that can get a little lost on us when we immerse ourselves so much in our versions of people that we really don’t know. i’m definitely guilty of it, too, it’s only natural when you’re left to fill in the blanks on your own. harry is often described as shy and sometimes a lil nervous and awkward (still sobbing about his dunkirk costars saying he originally ate lunch alone 😭), but he’s also insanely charismatic and charming and bold when he’s in his element! and louis has that fun, don’t-take-life-too-seriously attitude and is so fiercely protective of his loved ones, but he’s also so tactful and gentle with fans and his voice gets all soft and lovely when he’s with kids—

there's just so much to every person and it's a beautiful thing to be made up of so many different things. i'm sure we've all experienced people making assumptions about us based solely on what they see, and it's never a good feeling! so i do think it's deeply important to see more than just the surface!

[button-mash]

What I played last week #8

Klona 2 [Playstation 2]

This was such an absolute treat to play. I had heard of the series before, but I'd genuinely never played any of them at all - in fact they'd just totally passed me by really. I think they got remade fairly recently and it suddenly felt like everyone but me had some proper beloved history with the series, so not sure how I totally missed it - especially as I love platformers. Managed to snipe an eBay auction for this for £12 which I was buzzing about considering it rarely goes for less than £30 and often sells in the £50-60 range. 

Playing this it feels like it's the insane centrepoint between SO many games that have come before and since, I'd love to learn more about it and any games that were actively influenced by it, because it felt like it could somehow have come out in any area of platformers and fit in perfectly. At different points it reminded me of Nights, Kirby 64, Crash Brandicoot, Rayman, Mario Galaxy and more, yet somehow always still felt like completely it's own thing too. It's a pretty simple game at it's core - it's a 2.5D platformer where you can jump and hover, but can also grab enemies if you're close enough, either throwing them across the screen as a weapon, or using them to jump off and essentially serve as a double jump. The game actually starts off pretty slowly and at first I thought it was going to be another Kirby - something with loads of personality and character, but ultimately so easy it undermines the whole thing. However, the games levels quickly become more and more complex and constantly alternate between platforming and puzzles sections - by the end it becomes difficult enough where you have to have mastered every technique in the arsenal to progress through the levels, some of which are surprisingly long and complex.

The most amazing thing is how good the game looks, it's just absolutely beautiful - I genuinely couldn't believe it was a PS2 game at times. The occasional blurry texture or jagged edge gave it away, but there is just so much vibrant colour, detail, movement and animation on every level, it just gave the game an insane amount of character and life to each stage, and all of them have such a strong, memorable visual identity. There is even an amazing sense of scale to some of the levels where you'll get shot high into the air and you'll see these massively complex stages just fully modelled out and it just shows how much imagination and craft have gone into each one. There is one level set in a theme park and it just looks incredible. It's seemingly impossible to find any good quality gifs of this that aren't from the remake or haven't been upscaled in PCSX2, but hopefully you get the picture from an art direction perspective

The game isn't without it's flaws - there are some difficulty spikes that come out of nowhere and very strict animation windows sometimes make you feel like you missed grabs or jumps that you made, but it's rare and the platforming usually feels great. It never becomes a real chore of a challenge, but the levels become difficult enough where you feel genuinely accomplished getting through them, especially the last few levels. The bosses are also great mechanically, although they start to feel a little similar by the end. 

Normally if you play a retro game without the nostalgia, there is always this element of wishing you could have played it at the time, simply because it's almost always aged in some way that diminishes the experience at least a tiny bit. Here this just feels like that rare experience where it could have come out yesterday and I think I'd still be banging on about how much I loved it - if I'd unknowlingly played the remakes without knowing they were remakes, I don't know if Id have been able to tell from a design point of view. Im glad I played the original though, honestly one of the best looking, most colourful and lively games I think Ive played on the PS2, all at a crisp 60fps. Looked absolutely phenomenal on the PVM, I wish I could somehow show off how great it looked.

[tragedia]

For a significant part of his life, any memory of early childhood was a blurry affair at best. Being pulled away from his family young, and then surviving an almost certain death made such a thing the most precious commodity. For a while there, when Winfred barely remembered a thing, but has found out the truth of his origins already, he was reluctant at best to learn more about his past, to even dare to look into his family. Their names were foreign, and so were their faces, but now, when Sofie calls him [ big brother ] and things slot into their rightful places, his eyes prickle dangerously and he smiles with unbridled affection.

“ Little sister, ” he calls her back. It feels too much to reach for her hand, though he feels compelled to do it, withholding only at the last moment. Perhaps Fred no longer knows how to be a brother, but there's a notion of it in his mind that it should involve less tears. “ I'm glad things are better now than before, for you, ” he says, the tone of his voice genuine. Sofie doesn't need to say a thing for him to get it, what it could be like for a mage before, during or after the war. Things haven't been easy or settled for a while now, so her admission of living better days now is comforting. “ I wish I could know everything, but stirring up the past like this when we've just reunited. Well... I'm only glad that we could. ”

Her question makes him let out a chuckle. He takes a sip of the tea and leans back in his chair, nodding. “ Just a little bit. ” The truth is, he sounds like an assortment of people that took care of him that came from all over Thedas — and while some of it is what's still left over from Kirkwall, it's hard to deny that he sounds like the underbelly of the streets of Val Royeaux. “ But yes, that's where I've lived. What about you? ”

oh, what an absolute luxury it feels like to have the gift of familiarity with someone she has a deep connection with and yet who is completely unknown to her in his current form; sofie wants to wrap it around herself like a silk scarf, because he is the first sibling she has seen in decades. and whatever else has happened in their lives, whatever may yet be coming for them, they have this beautiful moment of reunion.

❝ freddie, ❞ she settles on, warmth in her voice this time, and the tension feels just a little easier to deal with. sofie has never considered that she needed siblings, having been separated from them so long that she can barely remember the eldest two, but it turns out that actually, she wants them. she had just forgotten what it was like to have a, ❝ big brother, ❞ she adds, as a term of endearment.

when did she last have cause to say that? when was the last time anything felt as good as this does?

for a moment, sofie looks into her mug, but it doesn't take long for her gaze to lift back to winfred's face, exactly the same as she remembers and yet changed so obviously by time. ❝ life has been both good and bad. this is one of its best moments. ❞ and she does not wish to sully it by talking about the bad; there will be time enough for that, she imagines. to catch up with the general outline of lost time, if not in detail. ❝ you have an orlesian accent, is that where they took you? ❞

[storiesandthingsofthatnature]

Hi there everyone! I am making an original manga and thought that writing it out first would help me. So, I've decided to make both a manga and a novel~ please take a gander and do let me know what you think ^^

Trigger warnings: blood, mentions of physical abuse, mental abuse, mental delusion

Thank you and have a great day! :D

Something within her told her that she had to get up - it wasn’t a matter of whether she wished to or not. This unrelenting force was driving her to open her eyes or to at least lift a finger to which the latter she seemed to be able to do. However, it was as if her very joints were made of stone, cracks emanated from her index as Ripley let out a muffled breath of pain. She then realized that her mouth was sewn shut with a slim, frayed string. Her eyelids were given the same treatment. 

A quick hand jumped up to her face in panic, the grogginess and lethargy of sleep finally sweeping away to only leave behind fragments of anxiety that soon bloomed into large patches of utter shock and mania. Why were her mouth and eyelids sewn shut? Where was she? Why was it so cold? She went to sit up but another muffled shout seeped through the cracks of her restraints as her forehead hit something hard. She pushed out a hand, the feel of a cool, sleek surface filling her senses. 

She balled up her fist and began to bang against it, her shouts for help nothing but grunts and smothered yelling. However, just when Ripley thought that she would be stuck here forever, she heard a snap and a long creak as the surface she was feeling retreated from her grasp. The sudden intrusion of natural lighting filtered through the thin skin of her eyelids, Ripley quickly shying her face away from it. 

Her fingers found their way to her eyelids, Ripley finding the knotted end of the string. With some coaxing, she was able to undue the thankfully loose knot and she pulled at it. Deep, ragged breaths entered and exited through her nose as the pain and discomfort pooled from her eye to the back of her head. 

Finally, the string dropped into the palm of her hand with a soft squish, the once beige hue now turned a deep, wine red. 

Her now free eyelid fluttered open and she could get a sense of where she was. Rubbing her eye to make her overly blurry vision stable again, black splotches turned into golden grains. As far as the eye could see, there was nothing but dunes of sand. Ripley looked down at where she was and honestly felt a macabre emotion; she had been placed in a coffin. 

As much as she tried to figure out just how in the world she ended up here, it only seemed to bring her great pain. Not only did she retain a headache but she even began to experience body chills. A shiver crawled up her spine, Ripley unable to restrain her shudder. 

Before anything else, she needed to get the rest of this stuff off of her. She went to raise her hand to undo the other string but stopped when she noticed something strange; she was a completely different color! She could at least remember that being green was not normal. She quickly undid her other eyelid and her mouth. 

Opening up her jaw was a bit of a challenge. It would get stuck at points and she would have to snap it back into position. Her throat was dry as hell and her lips felt cracked and arid. She clacked her teeth together, rotating her bottom jaw in a circular motion to loosen it up once more. 

A dry cough left her throat, Ripley clearing it as she let out sounds to see if she still had her voice. It was raspy but at least she could still communicate if she wanted to. But, looking around, she couldn’t help but wonder if she would even find anything. There was nothing but sand, Ripley completely confused on how she ended up in the desert in the first place. Much less on how she got into this coffin. 

She looked at her emerald colored skin once more. Ripley guessed that perhaps she had died and somehow she was back. But, how did she die? She couldn’t remember anything before she woke up. However, she knew that freaking out and having an existential crisis now would not help her figure things out. However, she needed a plan. 

Ripley then noticed a ragged cloak at her side which was accompanied by a mask, the young woman wondering if perhaps she had a benefactor. But why wouldn’t they stay behind? Help her figure out what happened. She sighed, going to stand only to fall back onto her ass with a hard plop. 

“Fuck!” Ripley grunted, her tailbone singing with pain. “Fuckin…Ugh!” Ripley couldn’t believe it. She felt like a toddler learning how to walk again. She placed both hands on the edges of her coffin, slowly raising herself on shaky legs. Finding her balance, she stood there for a little bit to strengthen her muscles. If she was once dead she wondered just how long it had been since her death. If she was green, had it been awhile? 

She slipped the cloak over her shoulders, pulling the hood over her head. She slipped the clay mask over her face, it being a perfect fit. Yes, this will work for now.

She stepped out of her coffin, the zombie taking a few steps before turning to look at her container. It even looked like someone had dug her out as there was a large hole right next to her coffin. Not even a note? She will need to have a word with whoever is “helping” her if she ever comes across them. 

Suddenly, the pang of something familiar seeped from within her chest. At first she had no idea how in the world she was going to find her way out of this desert, but now she knew exactly where to go; to a city that lay on the border of a great forest and the vast sea of sand.

She began her trek, hoping to find the answer of just what happened to her in this city. As she walked she noticed that she felt rather comfortable, even though it was so hot that she could see the heat waves dancing just above the horizon. But, naturally she guessed, she was dead. There was no need to regulate her temperature anymore as she was deathly cold to the touch. She would have to be careful with who she bumped into. She had forgotten the customs of this world, but she imagined that no one would pay too kindly to a zombie. 

She placed a hand over her heart. To feel nothing push and pull against her ricage was a rather surreal emotion. She had no memory of her past life, but she felt absolutely unnatural. No pulse, no use for breathing…What was she to do now? 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Please, father, you know that I can help!” Mariposa declared as she ran after her father, King Julius. However, she kept a good five feet between them. She did not understand it, but for some reason she was not allowed to show affection for her father. To be close, to be held, it was something that she never experienced. 

“Royals do not have time for such pleasantries. Now be done with it.” Her father had announced to her at an early age when she kept trying to hold his hand. And so, she learned to respect his space. He was the king, after all. And the king should be held with the utmost respect next to the queen. 

“I have already told you no! Now, be gone from my sight!” King Julius said in a authoritative voice. Mariposa couldn’t help but stop in her tracks, a flinch coaxed from her very body as her aquamarine wings fluttered in anxiety. It had been awhile since her father had last hit her, but she knew that it was for her own good. It was always for her own good. However, she couldn’t help but react in such a way, Mariposa cursing herself internally for feeling unsafe. 

She did not wish to bring about his wrath. As much as she knew that it was all for her, she still disliked seeing this side of him. To be fair, there was really no other side to King Julius, but he seemed to be soft to his mate, Queen Espe. Mariposa wondered if she could have a relationship that warranted such pleasantries one day but between a father and daughter. 

And so, she needed to do this. To prove it to him that she can be like the others. 

Mariposa was a moth, the last of her kind. After the great war between butterfly and moth, the moths who had once imprisoned the butterflies were rightfully overthrown. Mari’s parents, the king and queen of the moths, were executed to pay for their sins and during this time there was a great plague amongst the population that wiped out a lot of the moths. Their military power was stretched impossibly thin, a collapse from within bound to happen to which it did. The top brass were murdered, by their own people, no less. And the rest of what was left of the moths fled to the far reaches of Earth. 

Mari was abandoned, but King Julius was merciful enough to raise her like his own. She knew that his “tough love” would soon shape her into a fine woman one day, even though she will never be able to rule. She shouldn’t be given the opportunity to anyway, not after what her people did. 

And so, she curtsied and excused herself from her father’s presence. Weaving through what seemed like infinite hallways of this overly large castle, she finally found herself in the center to which a great garden lay. A vast collection of butterflies over cast the garden, the creatures taking their time to lazily fly through the warm air or suckle on the nectar of the many flowers that lined the rows of dirt and planters.

Mari pulled out a small package of nectar from her short’s pocket, filling a cupped hand with the sweet treat. She then patiently waited but not for long as packs of butterflies began to flock towards her. She hummed with delight as various types of butterflies filled her space. Their tongues would dip into the nectar as they suckled, each moving away to make room for another. 

“How polite of you guys.” She said to them, her eyes whipping to the sight of a monarch butterfly that was inching its way down her fore arm. She gave a thin line of a frown. “I’ll prove it to you.” 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t ask how moths can sense when a wayward soul is nearby but she supposed that it was all in her antennae. Way back when, moths were known as “keepers of souls”. Their job was to lead souls to the afterlife, souls that did not wish to go or just couldn’t find the way. Mari thought that it was an honorable practice, but for some reason, the moths did away with it. What happened to the wayward souls that were left to their own devices? Well, the butterflies took over that position, only the top guard being allowed to lead wayward souls to their destination. 

Mari believed that if she could just find one soul and lead them to a better place, perhaps her father will look at her differently. That she wasn’t like her ancestors and that can be the new era. She just needed to find one…

The sun had begun to set when Mari spotted a lone, undead in the distance. She couldn’t help but jump in the air with a “Yes!” She was going to do this!

Before she knew it, her legs took off. She found herself running at the wayward soul that trekked languidly before her, Mari not noticing just how off this person was. Even for an undead. She felt the air within her lungs becoming scarcer and scarcer, her legs weakening and the urge to just slow down was beginning to rear its head. She definitely needed to get herself more fit! Royals were never expected to run from place to place, they had servants to carry them to their destination. But the uneveness of the terrain was making it even more harder to run. 

Finally, she made it to the cloaked and masked figure who seemed to tremble and sway on their feet. “Hello there!~” Mariposa announced herself, slowing down until she came to a stop just in front of the other. “Whew! I-huff-really…Need to get into shape.” Mari curled over, placing her hands on her knees as her wings rattled behind her. In her excitement she had forgotten she had them which were far stronger than her arms and legs. They were soft and delicate, but if used correctly they could be by far the deadliest weapon. 

But before Mari could continue, she heard soft moans and snarls that emanated from beneath this soul’s mask. A quivering, green hand reached up to pull the mask off, the clay accessory plummeting to the sand below. “Hungry…” Was all Ripley could mutter before she began to inch her way towards Mari. 

“Oh, uh, souls eat? I…Shit I didn’t research this further. Should I have brought some food for your trip?” She couldn’t help but muse to herself, to which she did not see the undead girl lunging at her. 

[bangtansocean]

Wrong Right One [JJK]

"I say we kill her," He presses the gun against your skin harder, making you whine in pain. Your tears start to fall involuntarily as you shake in fear but, your eyes showed little to no fear. In fact, you had no will to even try to fight back, or beg for mercy.

Because little did they know, you had no reasons to stay alive until one of the members of the most claimed mafia group accidentally kidnapps you, giving you a second chance to live.

• Jungkook x reader

• Angst, fluff, smut

Warning: This story contains strong language, sensible topics and mature content. Please read at your own discretion.

Content Table: Ch. 1-5 | Ch. 5-10...

--------------------------------------------------------

!!!!! This story is originally from Wattpad. Updates in Tumblr will be slower as they will be made every 5 chapters in Wattpad.

Read it on Wattpad here

--------------------------------------------------------

CH. 1 - 5

Word count: ~19.7K

Chapter one:

The pavement is blurry through your eyes as you walk under the cold rain. 

The weather has become colder, the thick fog covering most of the night sky making the setting somewhat uneasy and dangerous, but you couldn’t care less about your safety right now. 

In fact, you can’t find yourself to care about anything. 

After months of struggling, you found yourself losing everything you ever had. Your car, your house, your job and everything you’ve worked so hard for. It all started to go down the drain when you received a call from your lawyer, telling you that your assets have been sold to someone who completed the payment of the commodities you were paying in small installments due to your low income. 

You couldn’t understand how they could take everything from you like that, leaving you with no choice but to live in your office. And trying to survive within four small walls that had nothing but a desk and a big sofa was a pretty big challenge. 

However, you found yourself living comfortably and were able to hustle your way for a week, but you suddenly got kicked out of your office and had your psychology license placed on hold by your superior due to an “improper practice”, reported by someone anonymous who claimed to be your patient. 

You tried your best to stay positive in the situation, sleeping on the streets for a few days until you almost became a victim of a terrible assault, which happened just a few minutes ago while you were trying to get some refuge from the rain. 

Your body is shivering and your tears won’t stop falling, blending in with the rain that pours heavily on you as you walk with your head down and heavy steps to that big building you’ve always gone to when you needed a breather. 

But tonight you were going there to do the opposite. You were going to the building with no intention of walking out of it.

In fact, you have no intention of staying alive tonight. 

Life feels meaningless at this point.  With no family to support you and no friends to rely on, you decided you wanted to stop suffering and end this never ending nightmare your life has become in just two months time. 

The familiar building is now standing in front of you and you make your way to the emergency stairs on the sides of the building, taking a deep breath in before beginning the path to the last minutes of your life, the burden of the world and your overwhelming emotions rushing over your body, feeling heavier with every step you take to the last floor. 

You admire the skyline even through the fog and darkness, the lights of the building looking like blurry stars as you contemplate the horizon, taking slow steps towards the edge of the roof, sitting on the corner with your legs dangling from the edge of the building, the distance between your feet and the floor making your body ache. 

It's a long fall.

It’s definitely going to hurt if I make it out alive, you think to yourself, closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths before praying your last wishes. 

“I’m sorry this is how things have to end, you deserved better.” You tell yourself as you take a deep breath in, getting ready to jump. 

“Yeah, you do.” You hear the voice of a stranger behind you before you find yourself in complete darkness, a strange choking sensation tightening on your throat when you try to scream. 

You open your eyes and take your hands to your neck, realizing that someone behind you has placed a bag over your head and starts to tighten it by the neck, feeling the two hands move from your neck to your shoulders, wrapping around your arms and pulling you far off the edge. 

You can’t help but try to scream, your survival instincts kicking in as you struggle to set yourself free from whoever is trying to strangle you. You can feel your body weakening at the lack of air, slowly falling into a deep sleep and losing the fight with the stranger who, from all you could remember, had cold hands and a sultry voice. 

—————————————

“What do you mean you got the wrong girl?!” 

You can hear a raspy voice next to you, the panic on their tone very obvious as you begin to awaken, the bag that was over your head now replaced by a blindfold, your arms and legs tied down by what felt like a very thick rope. 

You lay on the cold floor in confusion. If you are not the girl they were looking for… what happens now? 

“It was foggy and I couldn't see right. I know its a pretty bad fuck up but its done; she’s not who we are looking for.” 

You recognise the voice of your kidnapper, gasping in surprise at the sound of his voice, the fear growing inside you again as the room suddenly grows quiet. 

The voices of the two guys died down at the chattering of your teeth, the cold room giving away your conscious status to everyone in the room. 

A pair of loud heavy boots stomp around you. The steps growing louder as the presence of a man standing next to you makes you tremble in fear. You can feel his body heat closer to you as squats next to you, a squeal escaping your lips when you feel his hands on you. He manhandles you roughly, grabbing you by the shoulders and sitting you on your knees before taking the blindfold off. 

The sudden light makes your eyes hurt, blinking a few times before adapting to the light, your vision is too blurry to identify how many people are in the room right now. 

“If you scream I’ll shoot.” You hear the voice of the man behind you as he tightens the ropes on your hands, your palms sweating at the sound of his raspy and authoritarian voice. 

“Don’t, Hyung. We need to wait for the others. They should be here soon.” You recognise the voice of a third guy, his tone low and calm. Your vision is now clear enough to see two pairs of boots standing a few meters away from you, making that three people in the room with you. 

The others? How many of them are there? 

The loud sound of a door bursting open startles you, making you look up to the area where the sound came from, your eyes fixated on three other figures dressed in all black walking into the room and making it to where the other two are standing. 

“You fucked up big time, Jeon,” the blonde guy with a high pitched voice says before laughing mockingly, his hand landing on the hair of one of the guys who was standing infront of you while the others bickered between them loudly.

“Shut the fuck up, Jimin.” He knocks the hand of the shortest one away from him, gaining a roll eye from the blondie. 

You blink a couple more times before you look back up to them, looking attentively at the five guys standing in front of you. They all had fairly pale complexes, dressed in all black and they all looked surprisingly attractive and well groomed, somehow making you feel more uneasy. 

What did they want with you? Were they human traffickers? 

A loud hiccup escapes your lips, cursing yourself silently as the room grows quiet again and all eyes turn to you, the attention making you hiccup again. 

Why did you have hiccups when you were scared? Fuck. 

“Our apologies, ma’am.” The voice of the guy who was behind you startles you again, his figure coming to view as he walks towards the other guys, his sculpted silhouette and silver undercut making you hiccup again. “It seems like we got the wrong person, according to our friend here.” 

“Oh,” The sound escapes your lips, nodding to his words as you gulp loudly and scan the room again, noticing the eyes of the blonde guy glued to you as he tightens his jaw, clearly unhappy with his coworker for getting the wrong girl. 

The room grows quiet again as the silvered hair guy back up from your body, staring at you with his jaw tighten. A guy with long curly hair steps forward, his hand full of beautiful and refined rings landing on the guy with the silver hair, whispering loud enough for you to hear.

“What should we do with her, then?” He looks back at you with worried eyes, feeling uneasy at the sudden tension growing in the room. “Should we let her g-?”

“No.” Your kidnapper interrupts immediately, all eyes turning to him in confusion. “She’s seen our faces already, we can’t just let her go.” He adds, crossing his arms against his chest which draws your attention to his tattooed sleeve. 

“That’s true,” the silver-haired guy says, turning around to look at one of his friends who is standing behind everyone else. “ What do you think, boss? What should we do?” 

“I’m not sure yet,” A tall, broad guy walks forward, his fingers pushing his black hair back as he stares attentively at you. His eyes scan you slowly before a frown decorates his face. “Are we sure it’s not her?” He squats in front of you, his hooded eyes glued to you as he scans your features, feeling confused at the idea of you being the wrong person. “She has the same eyes.” 

“Would I lie to you, boss?” Your kidnapper says in a threatening tone, making the guy in front of you turn around with an incredulous look.

You can feel the tension between your kidnapper and their boss, a quiet but intense conversation happening through eye contact as everyone else looks to both of them with stone cold faces, unfazed at the challenging attitude of the youngest against the oldest. 

The blonde guy, whose name you remembered to be Jimin, suddenly walks forward. He clenches his jaw as he stares at you with fiery eyes before pulling his gun from his belt, the cold metal pressed to your forehead as he loads the gun with one hand, making you gasp in fear.

“I say we kill her,” He presses the gun against your skin harder, making you whine in pain. Your tears start to fall involuntarily as you shake in fear. However, your eyes showed little to no fear. You had little to no will to even try to fight back, or beg for mercy.

 At the end of the day, this is what you wanted: you wanted to die.

You close your eyes and bite your lips, waiting patiently for the gun to fire. “She is of no use and we can’t let her go. She’s better off dead.”  

The front sight of the gun is now against your forehead, the cold material making you weep as your entire body tenses, anticipating the bullet to perforate your skull.

“Hyung, move.” Jimin orders their boss, tilting his gun to the side telling him to move away, so his clothes wouldn’t get bloody, making you weep even harder when the gun is back to your forehead, this time pressing the gun against your skin harder. 

His jaw clenches as his fingers caress the trigger. The build up of the situation is making you feel sick, why couldn’t he just shoot you and end it all quickly? You gather the little energy in you to challenge Jimin, hoping he would just shoot you once in for all. 

“Just fucking do it alrea-”

“Put the fucking gun down!” The sound of a second gun loading makes everyone except Jimin turn around. 

Your kidnaper is now pointing his gun at Jimin, everyone’s eyes dancing between you and the tattooed guy who was now pointing his gun at Jimin’s back.

“Always trying to be the fucking hero dont you, Jeon?” Jimin laughs cynically as he turns around to look at the youngest, who is looking at you with tense eyes, smacking his lips and cursing himself under his breath. “I'm trying to save our asses here, Jungkook, you have no right to tell me what to do!.”

“We don’t kill innocent people, Jimin. Put the gun down.” He slowly lowers his arm, guiding his gun back to his belt before huffing. 

“Innocent my a-”

“Shoot me.” You beg, your voice coming out louder than you expected it to. The six men, with bulged eyes, turn their attention back to you. “Just fucking do it, please.” You can’t help your voice from cracking mid sentence, making some of them confused, while some of them are looking at you with pity. 

“Shoot me asshole,” you provoke him, your volume rising as you continue to talk. Your eyes are glued to Jimin’s as he hollows his cheeks, his hand shaking as his anger builds up from your challenging words. “You said it yourself, I’m better off dead. So what are you waiting for?!” You are practically screaming now, a burning sensation in your throat makes you swallow, the taste of blood invading your taste buds. “SHOOT ME!” You can feel your heart beating faster than ever.

The tears now fall uncontrollably from your eyes as the sound of a gun being fired makes you scream, your eyes closing suddenly at the feeling of the gun moving away from your forehead. 

“Jungkook’s right, Jimin, drop the gun.” You turn your head to the side where you notice a new guy approaching from the door.

He is about the same height as Jimin, but seems a bit older and has longer blonde hair. He walks towards the rest of the group; The smoke of the fired bullet comes out of the gun as he lowers his gun and walks towards you after giving his gun to one of the guys in the group. 

Your eyes look for the bullet, a small dent on the wall next to you shows you where the warning shot was aimed to, not too far from your body which makes you wip. 

You hear the steps of the newer guy approach you and Jimin, his hand taking Jimin’s gun and putting it on his belt, dismissing him to walk back to the rest of the group. He squats next to you as he stares at you with soft eyes, his empathy and calmness making you feel somehow better. He turns around to look at their boss.  

“I got this, Jin.” He says, gaining a nod from him as he turns to look at Jungkook, signaling to gather with him for a quick chat away from the group as the new guy handles the situation. Jin and Jungkook stand not too far from the group, whispering to each other with serious expressions. 

The new guy stares at you for a few more seconds before his hand grabs onto your jaw, turning your face to him as he inspects your face with a frown. 

“Jungkook’s right. It’s not her.” He says, a disappointed sigh leaves from his lips as he stands up straight and walks towards his colleagues.

“But-”

“But nothing, Jimin.” He turns to look at the blonde guy with cold eyes. “We can’t kill her either so… what should we do?  Jin?” Everyone’s eyes turn back to who they referred to as boss before, both him and Jungkook staring at you with worried eyes. 

He hesitates before turning to Jungkook, who is now looking down with a frustrated look on his face, biting his pierced lip in distress.

“Jungkook,” Jin calls him, making him look up with big doe eyes. “This is your fuck up, how would you like to fix it?” You sob again before your eyes lock with Jungkook’s for the second time tonight. 

Kill me, please. You mouth to him with pleading eyes before your body violently shakes, the adrenaline making you feel extremely cold, your body becoming feverish as your vision becomes blurry once again. 

He stares at you hesitantly, the internal turmoil inside him making him nauseous as he takes one more look at you before he looks back at Jin, a determined look in his eyes. 

“She stays alive,” He says, which makes you sob loudly, gaining another round of confused stares from some of the guys. 

“No, please. Please just kill me.” You beg between sobs, the desperation building back up, the ringing in your ears becoming louder. “Please.” You cry now to Jin, who is looking at you with pitiful eyes.

“Give her some clean clothes, food, and a place to sleep. We’ll keep her hostage until I find a way to deal with her.” Jungkook says before glancing at you quickly, his eyes focused on Jin who nods at his statement. 

“You heard the man, make our guest feel welcomed.” Jin claps twice before everyone spreads around the room, most of them even leaving the room through the door they just came in. “Jungkook, Yoongi; Meet me at my office after this.”

“Jin, I don’t think this is a good idea..” Jimin whispers next to him, but he is quickly dismissed by Jin who walks towards you, snapping his fingers at the guy with the silver haired undercut. 

“Joon, help me untie her?” Jin says. Joon nods and kneels next to you, his hands working fast behind you as you feel the ropes fall loose. “Look at her wrists Joon, you almost cut her circulation!” Jin scolds him before slapping his friend’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry about that… are you okay?” Joon asks you as he lets your wrists free and proceeds to untie your feet. You only manage to hmm in response, making them frown. 

Once you’re completely free from the ropes, your body hovers forward against your will, falling against Jin’s chest.

He makes sure to catch you before you crash your body against his, slowly cooing you into his chest as he embraces you in an awkward hug. You are now sobbing against Jin’s chest as he holds you tightly and he looks at Joon with anxious eyes, unsure of what to do. 

“Please,” You weep against his chest, his black shirt quickly becoming wet from your tears as you sob uncontrollably under his embrace. 

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I don’t know why you want to die so bad, but we can’t help you.” He says in a quiet voice, almost trying to comfort you with his statement.

“I know it doesn’t look like it, but we truly are not the bad guys here. We don’t want to harm you.” Joon says with a soft voice, hoping to ease your crying. But the warmth and comfort these two have brought you just after being under the point of a gun overwhelms you with emotions, unable to stop your crying. 

You just need today to be over. 

A loud clearing of a throat makes the two men shift their gaze up to the guy who shot the warning shot, his eyes glued to you as he stands next to his friends.

“Jin.” He starts. “We cleared a room for her already, She’ll be staying in room 17.” He announces, making both of the men nod at him before they stand up, struggling to hold your body up. Your limbs feel too weak and out of your control, making your body fall weak in their arms like you’re a rag doll. 

“Yoongi?” Jin says as he struggles to stand up with you. 

“Oh,” Yoongi approaches you and holds you by the waist as he throws your arm around his shoulders, holding you stable as Jin stands up and fans his wet shirt with his hands. “Can you walk?” Yoongi’s sultry voice rings in your ears before you shake your head, the numb feeling in your legs beginning to slowly become an aching pain. 

He sighs in desperation. “Jungkook?” He calls in a loud tone. 

“I’m here.” Jungkook comes out of the door where most of them have disappeared from, biting his lip at the sight of you. 

“She can’t walk,” Yoongi says. That's all it takes for Jungkook to understand what he wanted. 

Jungkook approaches you and carefully places his hands under your legs and your waist, carrying you bride style with ease as he makes his way towards the main door. Jin, Yoongi and Joon follow behind as your eyes begin to feel heavy, the world turning black for the second time tonight. 

Chapter Two:

A deadly headache wakes you up, adjusting your vision to the little light in the room before realizing you are now in a bed, and you are not alone. 

“Hyung, She’s awake.” The low voice of the curly haired man startles you, his figure sitting calmly by the end of the bed you were laying down on. 

“Thanks Tae, can you tell Yoongi she’s awake? He’s in Jin’s office I believe.” The one guy with red hair replies, coming into view as he approaches you from the door that seems to be the bathroom. 

Tae bows to his superior before walking out of the room with quick steps, leaving you alone with the red headed guy who is smiling at you with pitiful eyes. 

“Hey, you scared us there. We thought you weren’t going to wake up.” He places his hand over your shoulder and helps you to sit up on the bed, your head pounding as your headache gets worse.That was the idea, you think. “I’m Hoseok, but you can call me hobi,” He digs into his pocket and pulls out two small pills and places them in the palm of your hand, his free hand reaching for the water bottle that’s on the night table next to you. “It's ibuprofen. You must have a terrible headache,”

You stare at the guy carefully, noticing he is wearing a white coat that looks like a doctor’s coat.. Is he really a doctor? You blink a couple of times before looking back down to the pills that sit on your trembling hands, feeling skeptical about what exactly he was giving you to consume. 

“How do I know you are not giving me something else?” You ask him in a quiet voice, gaining a big chuckle from him as he throws his head back laughing. 

“That would be against my profession.” He says with a smile on his face. “We are not trying to hurt you, remember?” He reminds you before he opens the water bottle and offers it to you. “Feel free to not take them though, but you must be having a killer headache after fainting like that. I would take them if I were you.” 

You take the pills one by one and place them on your tongue, washing them down your throat with the cold water he offered you, the fresh beverage soothing your throat. Hoseok hums satisfied before turning around and going back to the bathroom. You stare at his back as he sings to himself while lifting small flasks and unpacks new, fresh needles.

He turns around with an injection on his hand, making you frown at the idea of receiving an injection from a complete stranger who worked with the guy who kidnaped you. However, your thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock on the bedroom door, Yoongi walking in with a tray that contained some food that smelled amazing. 

“Hey, glad to see you woke up already, you had us worried.” Yoongi says as he places the tray on the nightstand, the sight of stew and some rice makes you salivate. 

Yoongi notices you staring at the food, licking your lips unconsciously as your eyes are glued to the blue tray. “Here, we made you some stew.”  He hands you the spoon which you take after hesitating for a little bit. You weren't sure why exactly they were being nice to you, but you were too hungry to care, so you decided to eat it quietly, thanking them silently for the delicious and warm meal. 

“I’m Yoongi, I’m the knife specialist here in the circle.” you look at him with confused eyes. The circle? “And that’s hobi, our doctor.” He points at Hobi, who has been staring at Yoongi quietly this whole time. He clears his throat and nods before approaching you two and sitting next to Yoongi by the nightstand. 

“I prepared a small booster for you.” He says as he places a big syringe with a long, thin needle that's wrapped in the packaging, letting you know it was a new, clean one. “We ran some blood tests while you were asleep, and your levels of iron and vitamin c were really low. Once you finish eating you, feel free to take a shower and then inject this anywhere in your arm or your thigh and it should work just fine, if you are too scared to do it on your own just wait until we are back and I’ll do that for you.”

You bow lightly and they bow back, turning to the door to give you some space to eat and recover from your long slumber. You dive into your plate and eat the food in complete silence, the muted voices of the guys filling your ears now and then as they walk down the hallway laughing when you hear two of them playing around, a loud ouch making you giggle and choke on a grain of rice.

The door suddenly flies open, the curly haired guy coming to view as he stares at you with big scared eyes.”Are you okay?” He asks out of breath. You notice the tattooed arm behind him, his face sneaking a quick glance in before turning around and staring at the wall while whistling. 

You clear your throat before replying. “Yeah, just choked on a rice grain” you chuckle at yourself, taehyung joining your laughter as he nods and closes the door again, letting you finish your meal in peace. 

A satisfied sigh escapes your lips, resting the tray on your side before standing up and walking around the room, opening the closet to see a few clothes folded there, as well as a package of new underwear and socks for you.  

When did they get all of this?  You wonder, but quickly notice that it's men’s underwear. You realize that one of the guys must have had to sacrifice their new underwear for you, the thought of it making you giggle. 

Maybe they really aren’t bad afterall. 

You make your way to the bathroom and decide to take a long hot shower, pleasantly surprised by their choice of products, the smell of lavender filling up the shower as you condition your hair and scrub your body. 

You walk out of the shower feeling much better, your tender muscles relaxed thanks to the water pressure and the lavender. You dry your hair with the towel before opening the bathroom door and heading back to bed, deciding to take another nap since you still feel tired. 

A few steps into your bedroom you notice something different, the new things on your bed calling your attention. A pack of lotion, hair products and even a blow dryer were laying on your bed which makes you huff in disbelief. 

Why are they so attentive? Are all kidnappers this nice?  You think to yourself in a humorous tone, a small grin decorates your lips as you take the blow dryer and look for an electrical outlet, plugging it to the closest one to the mirror stand. 

You are ready to start the blow dryer when you notice the shadow of someone standing by the door. His reflection in the mirror startles you, making you gasp as you take the hairdryer against your chest. 

“Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me.” You mumble, pressing your lips into a thin line when you hear Jungkook’s giggles. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” He says with a smile,“ I knocked but I guess you couldn't hear it.”  He huffs, still finding your reaction hilarious which irritates you a bit. He stands next to the door in silence, his body leaning on the door frame while his arms are crossed in front of his chest as he stares at you through the glass. A small grin on his lips as he stands there in complete silence, making you a bit uncomfortable. 

You decide to ignore him and mind your business, applying the heat serum to your hair and brushing it lightly with your fingers before taking the dryer. You are about to turn the hair dryer on when his voice breaks the silence. 

“Why?” he asks. You turn around to see a serious Jungkook, his eyebrows frowned as he squints his eyes at you. 

“Why what?” You ask back, unsure of what he was referring to. You rest your back against the wall as you cross your arms over your chest, mimicking his posture. 

“Why did you um…” his eyes venture into the room, landing on the floor in embarrassment. “Why do you want to die so bad?” his voice now coming out as an insecure whisper. 

You blink a couple of times before swallowing loudly, startled at the sudden question. “Uhh…life,” You answer, shrugging your shoulders before his eyes land on yours again.

“Life?” he answers back with a huff. “That doesn’t really answer the question, but I won’t pressure you to tell me anything.” He shrugs his shoulders before taking his eyes off you which you take as a goodbye, turning around and blasting the blow dryer at full capacity. You begin to dry your hair peacefully as he scans the room, his eyes landing on Hobi’s booster. 

“You should take that” He says, but you are unable to really understand him due to the loud sounds of the blower. 

“What?” you ask, turning it off before turning around, noticing that he was no longer by the door, but by your bed. His hands reach to the small booster Hobi had made for you. 

“You should take this, Hobi’s boosters are great.” He unwraps the hygienic paper from the needle and looks at you, taking a few steps closer to you.

“Oh …yeah,” you say, covering your upper arm as you feel him getting closer to you, the smell of his cologne flooding your nostrils as he stands in front of you. 

“Here, I’ll help you.”  He holds your hand and removes it from your upper arm, extending it towards him as he searches for a good vein. 

“Wait” you say, pulling your arm away and sighing. Your heart beats faster as you take a deep breath in. His proximity and the needle in his hand both make you nervous.

He lifts an eyebrow in confusion, reading the worry in your eyes and taking a step closer to you, his free hand landing right over your collar bone. His thumb caresses the side of your neck slowly, waiting for you to look back up at him.  

You notice an unusual warmth in his stare, his eyes transmitting some comfort as he continues to caress your neck and collar bone, making your skin tingle. 

“It’s alright, you won’t even feel it, I promise.” He reassures you, his breath hitting your cheek as he slides his hand down your arm, extending it again. “Close your eyes and take three deep breaths.” He commands in a whisper. 

“One,” He counts. Your head is now against his chest, both of his arms wrapped around you as he soothes you, taking in the first deep breath. You flinch when you feel the cold cotton against your skin, disinfecting the area as he holds your forearm firmly, making sure you don’t move it as he guides the needle to your skin. 

“Two,” you close your eyes tightly, feeling a slight pinch on your arm as he makes the vein more pronounced, letting out a loud exhale as you wait for the next count. 

“Three,” you squeeze your eyes tighter, but notice how his arms loosen their grip on you. Your eyes land on his and then on the empty geringe on his hand as he turns around to wrap the needle in the cotton. “All done,” he whispers as you stare at him startled, confused on how smooth that was. 

He walks towards the bathroom and throws the needle away on the yellow box that was labeled for sharp objects only whale you work on regulating your breathing. His eyes land on yours as he turns on his heels and makes his way back to you. 

“You alright?” he asks, his hand grabbing your forearm and placing a small band aid on the tiny blood spot in your arm. “For someone who just tried to take their life and had a gun against their head, a simple injection should not make you this nervous.” He says in a serious tone, but the grin in his face reveals that he is trying to ease the tension that was built between you two. You huff, unamused by his comment as a smile appears on your lips, his eyes glued to the bandaid as he seems to zone out. 

His hair is wet, which means he had just taken a shower right before coming here. His clothes were more baggy than the ones he was wearing before, his oversized sweater drawing your attention. It was clearly a hand made, crochet sweater. The front is decorated by a cute little bunny, the contrast of his pierced and tattooed body to the sweater making you laugh silently.

You look up to find him still zoned out, his lips tighten up in a straight line, frowning as he stares into nothing. Your mind is now doing pirouettes as you tried to figure out how he ended up in a kidnapping gang. Most of them, except for Jimin, seemed to be good people, and clearly had no intention of hurting you. 

“Why did you save me?” the question slips out of your lips before you realize, cursing yourself as he looks up, meeting with your eyes. His face is now inches away from yours, his mouth agape as he scans your face, taken aback by your sudden question. 

He licks his lips before replying. 

“Life,” He whispers. 

You feel his fresh breath mixing with yours, his chest rising more violently as both of your breathings pick up, heaving as you lean closer to each other. Your lips are almost touching when a soft knock on your door startles you both. 

Jungkook cleared his throat before the door opened,moving away from you quickly as his body was now hovering over the bed to pick the blue tray with the empty plates, leaving you standing there in an euphoric state. 

“Ah Jungkook, you’re here.”Jin says as his figure walks into the room, turning his attention to you as he smiles. “Just wanted to have a quick chat with you if that’s okay?” He asks you, to which you answer with a sharp nod that he mimics. “Perfect, do you mind if we talk in my office?”

“No, that’s fine.” you reply in a hoarse tone, making both Jin and Jungkook frown. 

“Let’s go, I’ll make you some tea.” Jin turns around and signals you to follow him, which you do. But not before turning around and taking one last look at Jungkook, who was now turning on the blowdryer and using it on his damp hair while he looked at you through the now steamy mirror. 

Chapter Three:

“y/n?” You frown at the name. “Why do I need a new name?” 

“It’s just to protect you in the meantime,” Jin tells you, a serious expression on his face. “We already started the creation of your documents so it's a little late to change it. I apologize for not consulting it with you first.” He says as he squats down to reach the lower cabinets on his desk, pulling out a knife. 

“I guess I’ll grow on me with time.” You shrug, not giving it much thought. “Jin?” 

“Yes, y/n?” He grins when he sees you frown, trying his best to acostume you to the new name. 

“Why is your office the kitchen?” You question him with a raised eyebrow, staring at him in confusion as he takes the mushrooms and slices them into small pieces. 

Jin lets out a quiet chuckle and you look around before giggling, not expecting this to be the kitchen of seven men, let alone the office of someone that looks like Jin. 

The kitchen is modern, but it’s decorated with cute farm animals. The fridge is plastered with photos of when they were younger, especially photos of Jungkook. You quickly learned that they have been living here for forever, the whole complex belonging to the members of The Circle. 

You quickly learn thanks to Jin that The Circle is the association the guys are under, known to be one of the most dangerous groups in the area. You can’t say you are surprised to hear they work for the circle, making you question how the most dangerous group could have kidnapped the wrong person. 

Jin explains that they were given a very confusing task with little to no background information, which is why Jungkook made an honest mistake. A mistake he most likely is going to pay for when the guys leave for the headquarters tonight. 

“They won’t hurt him, right?” You ask quietly, scared to hear that he could be in real danger because of you. 

Jin smacks his lips together before rolling his eyes. “There's no way. Jungkook is The Circle’s baby. No one could ever lay a single finger on him. And even if they wanted to, I wouldn’t allow it.” He assures you. 

You sigh in relief to hear that he is a favorite within the group, silently thankful it was him that got you and not someone else who would’ve had a terrible future ahead if they weren’t as lucky or loved as Jungkook. 

The sizzling oil snaps you out of your thoughts, focusing back on Jin who is mixing the mushrooms into the pan as he laughs at your question. 

“Cooking helps me relax,” He confesses. “It helps me think and focus on my thoughts. I know it's not a very ‘manly’ setting, but it works.” He looks up at you and winks cheekly at you before turning around to take the heavy cream from the fridge. 

You engage in small talk with Jin, soon joined by Tae not long after the food is ready. He makes himself comfortable and serves you both a plate of the pasta Jin made for you, joining the two of you on the kitchen island for some small talk while having dinner. 

Tae takes his time to tell you all about him and his upbringing as you indulge in Jin’s delicious pasta. You learn that most of them grew up in The Circle, not really having much of a choice than to be a part of it and continue their parents' work. 

Tae is one of the guys who was born under The Circle’s watch, so he never knew life outside of it. His parents started to work on international missions ever since he turned three, which is why he never was close with them, and eventually lost direct contact with them. He catches them every now and then at the headquarters, but he considers the guys his family instead, Jin and Yoongi being the ones who take care of him the most. 

He tells you that the closest thing he has to parents are Jimin’s parents who took him with open arms and let him move into their family complex right after his parents left to the USA. 

Jimin has been by his side ever since, quickly becoming each other's best friends and life companions.

“We are basically soulmates,” He tells you with his mouth full of mushroom sauce, his eyes sparkling as he speaks about Jimin. 

“He clearly doesn’t like me” You say in a chuckle, giving Tae a napkin which he takes, mumbling a quiet thank you. 

“He doesn’t not like you, he just doesn’t know you.” Tae explains. “He’s skeptical about new incomers, especially when they are not part of the circle. He’ll warm up to you in no time.” He comforts you, but his words make you realize ‘no time’ could be a long time for you. 

You might be here for a while.

“Knowing Jimin for a while might take a long long time” Jin jokes, but it only makes you dive deeper into your thoughts.

I might be here forever, you think to yourself. 

A sudden sadness washes over you, quickly excusing  yourself from the table as Jin and Tae exchange a confused frown, unsure of what caused your sudden mood shift. You thank Jin for the food and  excuse yourself, telling Jin you are too tired and wish to go back to bed to which he just nods. 

“I’ll walk you to your room,” Tae says as he walks out first, and right as you are standing up to leave, Jin grabs you by the arm and pulls you closer. He whispers into your ear a reminder that, under any circumstance, shall any of the guys know your real name. 

“Things could get ugly for you if your real identity gets revealed.” Jin warns you.

“Why though?” you question him. His shifts in his place, his body resting against the counter before turning to look at the main door nervously, knowing Taehyung’s patience would send him back to the kitchen to get you any second and he could listen to the conversation. 

“Our high ups know I have a long lost cousin named y/n, so no one will question you if they associate you with me, but if anyone knows you are an outsider… they won't hesitate to kill you. And it won't be a pretty death, it will be slow and painful... So just to be safe, keep your real name between us both.” He whispers. “Now go rest a bit, Tae is waiting for you.” 

-

You walk the long, dark hallway next to Taehyung in complete silence. You can’t help feeling lonely, almost hopeless to be here as Taehyung scorts you back to your room, walking by your side as he stares at you in riddles. 

“Did I say something wrong?” He asks in a low cautious tone. 

You turn to look at him and notice his bottom lip trapped against his teeth, biting it nervously. 

“Huh? No, of course not Tae,'' You say, pulling the sleeves of your sweater down, covering your hands to keep yourself warm  since the temperature in the hallway continues to drop and it's making you shiver. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all.” 

He stares at you in silence for a second before humming in reply, not fully convinced by your answer. However, he doesn’t push it and shrugs it off, continuing to walk down the hall with you.

You silently thank him for not questioning you any further, feeling the knot on your throat starting to tighten at the thought of having to explain how you felt just now. 

“I’ll make you a sweater tomorrow. This place gets extremely cold at night ,and that sweater won’t do.” He says suddenly. 

“Huh?” You reply confused. “You’ll make me a sweater?”

“Yeah, I’ve made everyone a sweater!” He answers proudly, “I love fashion. And I learned how to crochet during my free time, so I made nice fluffy sweaters for everyone here.” He smiles, showing you a proud, boxy smile. 

“That’s cute” you reply with a smile, your mind drifting to Jungkook's fluffy handmade sweater. It was definitely made by Tae.

You can hear the muffled noises coming from behind the walls of the hallway, letting you know that most of the guys were up late and rumbling around their rooms. The hallway suddenly feels emptier, and that’s when you notice Taehyung is no longer walking next to you. 

You turn around to look at Taehyung, who suddenly stopped walking. He clears his throat to call your attention, and you take a few steps back and stand next to him in confusion, his squinted eyes and pouty lips let you know he is thinking about something. 

“Wait here,” He says before opening the door next to him and storming into the dark, empty room with quick steps. 

He snatches the blanket from the bed and quickly walks back to you, closing the door behind him. “Here’s an extra blanket for you,” He extends the soft gray fabric towards you, quickly refusing it. 

“You’ll freeze to death,” You reply worried about him. 

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll sleep with Jimin.” He says with a victorious grin, shaking the blanket in front of you, “Now take it, my arm is getting tired.” He jokes, making you smile as you take the blanket from his hands.

“Thank you, Tae.” You bow lightly, placing the warm blanket on your shoulders and wrapping yourself around it, the faint smell of a familiar cologne filling your nostrils. 

He nods before turning on his heels to continue the journey to your room. You walk next to him with a lighter mood, engaged in small chat as you try to guess everyone’s animal on their personalized sweaters. 

“You’ll get to see them soon enough!  I won’t tell you which ones you got wrong, but you did get a few right.” He giggles before opening your door, bowing like a butler. “Sleep well Miss y/n. I’ll see you tomorrow!” 

“y/n?” The voice of Jungkook echoes through the hallway making you both turn around to see his figure approaching you both in a strut.

You can’t help but stare at him, your eyes glued to him. He styled his hair differently, his long black hair now brushed back with gel, his full forehead exposed. He is dressed in a formal black shirt, the sleeves rolled up letting you see his tattoo sleeves. He also left some buttons of the shirt undone, leaving his chest exposed to your curious eyes. The closer he gets, the better he looks, making your body tingled at his presence. 

He matched the outfit with black formal pants and nice leather boots. 

He  is next to you when you notice his eyebrows are frowned and he is pouting his lips in confusion. “y/n? That’s your name?” He asks once he is in front of you, the familiar cologne slapping you on the face. 

“Uh, yeah.” You manage to say, too absorbed in his beauty to even try to pay attention to what he is saying.His eyes linger on yours, quickly catching up to your actions. 

He knows you are checking him out. 

His frown slowly turns into a shy smile, staring at you nervously before noticing the blanket around your shoulders. 

His blanket, to be exact. 

 “Wait” he says, pointing at you before turning to look at Taehyung. “That’s my blanket.” His tone is dark and angry, making you nervous as you stare at Taehyung who is looking at Jungkook with guilty eyes. 

Taehyung lips tighten into  a straight line as he side-eyes you, your eyes growing bigger as you stare back at him with your mouth agape, feeling betrayed by Tae. 

“I’m heading to bed now, goodnight!” Tae says before running two doors down, locking the door behind him and leaving you alone with a very annoyed and angry Jungkook. 

You make a mental note to kill Taehyung tomorrow morning. 

Your eyes land on Jungkook, who is now biting his lip with his eyes closed. He takes a couple of deep breaths before letting out a big exhale, clearly annoyed at the violation of privacy. 

You begin to remove the blanket from your shoulders, feeling so ashamed to be wearing his blanket without permission. “‘I had no idea, I thought it was Taehyung’s blanket I’m so s-” 

“It’s fine, keep it” He replies quickly, and you freeze midway, silently thanking him for letting you keep it. “I’m not sleeping here tonight anyway.” He shrugs before locking eyes with you. 

“You’re not sleeping here?” You ask with worried eyes, accommodating the blanket over your shoulder as you stare at him with curious eyes, not sure why you were suddenly so invested in his late night endeavors. 

But you wanted to know where he was going looking this good. 

“I’m going out with Jin, we have some things to deal with at headquarters,” He says in a monotone voice as he brushes his hair back with his fingers.. 

Right, because of you. 

“Ah, yes. Jin told me.” You reply, feeling even more guilty for being the reason why he has to go and spend all night at headquarters being punished because he kidnapped you instead of someone else. 

It was his fault, at the end of the day. But you can't help feeling guilty.

Are you seriously pitying a literal kidnapper right now? You think to yourself, rolling your eyes at the stupid moral battle you have just started with yourself. 

You are deep in thought before you are snapped back to life thanks to a sudden cold breeze that traveled down the hallway, making your body shiver involuntarily. 

You haven’t experienced this kind of cold in a while, and you’ve been feeling slightly feverish all day. You told yourself you were going to ask Hoseok for some medicine, but completely forgot to thanks to the entertaining conversation with Tae and Jin.

You know you aren’t in the best of health after spending a few nights out in the cold rain, and it seems like these last 48 hours are finally catching up with you.

And you feel fucking awful.

You are startled when you feel Jungkook’s hand wrap around your forearm, pulling you into your room and closing the door behind him quickly.

His sudden actions take you by surprise, and you  accidentally trip with your own feet and fall against Jungkoook’s chest, your hands accidentally landing on his biceps in an attempt to not fall to the floor.

“You’re so clumsy,” Jungkook laughs as he wraps his arms around your hips as he helps you find your balance again. “The breeze of the hallway is very bad for you,” He explains right after you stand up straight. You clear your throat and look at him with annoyance, the embarrassment taking over you when you notice you are still holding on to him. 

Quickly taking your hands off him, you stand in front of him without knowing what to say next. 

You’re not sure if you are angry at him for making you trip, or if you are thankful that he was there to catch you on time. And it’s cute that he cares for your health, but also, he almost yanked your arm off.

You humm in response, not sure what to say or how to acknowledge anything that just happened as he reaches for your hands. Your eyes widening in surprise.

“You are ice cold.” he whispers in a worried tone before he slowly cradles your hands with his, rubbing them fast enough to create some friction to warm you up, but gentle enough to not hurt you. 

His eyes are focused on your hands, a pout decorating his lips as he continues to create friction between your hands, the image making your heart flutter. 

“I’d say I’m pretty hot to be honest,” You joke, facepalming yourself mentally for making such a stupid joke during a time like this. 

You are about to apologize when you hear Jungkook snort  before giggling silently, scrunching his nose at your shenanigans. “You think I’m joking?” you whisper amused, a big smile plastered on both of your faces as you continue to bicker. 

“I never know with you” he jokes back, his voice only loud enough for you to hear. “I guess you are not not hot.” He whispers into your ear, making you shiver once more. 

His smile is short-lived once he feels you shake, dropping your hands and wrapping his arm around your waist and legs, swiping you off your feet with ease as he carries you bridal style all the way to your bed.

You squeal in his arms as he giggles, surprised with his strength as places you in the bed carefully, laying you down right in the middle of the bed, your head hitting the pillow as he lets go of your body. 

“I can walk, Jungkook.” You say in a low voice, feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrassment again as you remove the blanket from your shoulders and place it on your lap, your eyes glued to the soft material as you stroke it slowly. 

“I know.” He replies in a whisper before grabbing the blanket, making you look up to his big eyes that are already looking at you . “Come on, I’ll tuck you in.” Jungkook says in a soft voice.

He extends the blankets one by one and places them over your body, tucking you carefully. He makes sure every limb of your body is covered under the blankets, immediately feeling warm as you watch him fulfill his task in silence. He is fully focused as he finishes tugging your legs, the piercing on his lip drawing your attention as he bites his lip with concentration.

“Warm enough?” He asks once he is done. 

“Yeah, thank you,” you whisper, snuggling into the blankets. 

A shy smile appears on Jungkook’s face, and you reciprocate the smile as you both stare at each other in silence. 

“I-” He begins, but is quickly interrupted by a soft knock that makes you both turn to the door, slowly opening to show a freshly showered Jin, who is wearing a similar outfit to Jungkook’s. 

“Oh, You’re here.” He tells Jungkook, quickly ignoring his presence and turning his gaze to you. “We are heading to headquarters and will be back tomorrow morning.  If you get hungry just ask for Yoongi, he should be able to make something for you.” He informs you. “And if he’s not around, feel free to help yourself out.”. 

You nod before thanking him in a low tone. 

He nods back with a soft smile before redirecting his attention to Jungkook. “I’m starting the car now, We’re leaving in five.” He warns him before he closes the door again, the sound of the main door closing echoing through the hallway a few seconds later. 

You turn to look back at Jungkook, his eyes already on you as he smiles softly at your sleepy and cozy state. “Sleep well, and keep my blanket warm until I'm back.” He jokes. “I will need it back tomorrow though.” 

“Of course, thank you.” You whisper, closing your eyes as you feel the warmth of your cheeks increasing, not sure if it's because you’re sick, or because he is being extremely sweet to you and it makes you nervous.

To be honest, it's probably both.

“No worries,” he whispers before he brushes small strands of rebellious hair away from your face. His fingers ghost your skin and leave a tingling sensation, opening your eyes to notice the door of your bedroom closing.

The last thing you’re able to see is his back as he closes the door without looking back, the main door slamming shut a few seconds after, followed by dead silence. 

You snuggle against the blankets and can’t help but curse at yourself. 

Why did you feel so anxious about them going to headquarters tonight?

Chapter Four:

The rumbling of your tummy wakes you up again, making it impossible to ignore it this time around: you have to walk out and get some breakfast before your stomach begins to eat itself. 

You were trying to avoid leaving your bed too early, hoping Jin would already be back before breakfast so you wouldn’t have to bother the other guys, but you haven’t heard the main door opening at all today which means they were still out at headquarters, meaning there was no other choice but to look for Yoongi and ask him to make you some breakfast. 

You sigh in defeat and sit up in bed, noticing a small note on your nightstand, accompanied by a thermometer and some pills. 

‘I heard you seemed to have a fever last night. Drink these if you still have a fever and come see me when you can, I’m in room number one. - Hoseok.’

 Jungkook probably told him, you think, which makes you smile before laying back down in bed.

 The attention to detail from these guys was honestly impressive. 

You stretch your arm and reach for the thermometer, quickly checking your temperature and  smiling satisfied when you see that the fever is no longer present. One win at a time. 

You jump out of bed and quietly make your way down the hallway, hoping one of the guys will be out of their room so they can help you figure out something to eat. 

You are about to enter the living room and head towards the kitchen when you spot Yoongi sitting at the dinner table. 

Just who you were hoping for, you sigh in relief to see him. 

He is sitting by the long table that is now covered with papers and all sorts of books as he scribbles on a notebook, a confused but focused frown on his face as he curses the page before ripping it out, making you giggle. 

Yoongi looks up and scans the room with quick eyes, smiling back when he spots you smiling at him. “Good Morning, you’re up early.”

“Good morning,” You reply, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “Sorry to disturb you, but …Jin said to look for you if I got hungry.” you feel stupid, like a little kid. 

You stand there playing with your fingers nervously as you look down, hating the feeling of hopelessness thanks to the current situation you are in.

“No worries,” He replies with a soft smile. “Do pancakes sound good to you?” 

You look back at him with thankful eyes, your tummy growling at the thought of pancakes. “Pancakes sound incredible, thank you.” You smile softly.

He stands up and takes his laptop with him, leaving all his papers on the table and walking towards the kitchen, inviting you to follow behind him.

You follow him in silence as you approach the kitchen, the sticky note on the door making you smile as you realize Jin has written ‘No taehyung’s allowed in the kitchen without supervision.’

You walk behind him in silence as he sets the laptop on the counter and begins to take all the ingredients and all sorts of bowls to make the pancakes. 

“Would you like some coffee?” He asks as he pours some coffee onto his iced glass before turning to you with an eyebrow arched.

“Yes, thank you.” You bow but he misses it as he opens the top cabinets. 

“Hot or cold?” He asks as wiggles his fingers over the glasses and the mugs. 

“Hot, if that’s alright.” You say again, feeling shy at the domestic scenario. 

He hums in response, grabbing a mug and filling it up with freshly brewed, dark coffee.

He places the mug on a small silver tray before handing it to you. “Suit yourself.” He points at the sugar and milk on the tray with his head before going back to making the pancakes. 

You watch him for a few minutes, his back facing you as he prepares the pancake batter smoothly, humming a few melodies as he turns the stove on and begins to pour the batter into the heated pan.

You let out a loud sigh when you take your first sip of coffee, unable to remember the last time you had a nice cup of coffee like this. You thank him quietly as you drink your coffee in comfortable silence, the bitter taste helping you wake up as the smell of pancakes fills up the kitchen, making you hungrier.

“Did you sleep well?” He suddenly asks, turning to look at you as he sends the pancake flying into the air and catching it with the pan, flipping it successfully.

“Yeah, it was a bit cold.” You admit, “but, you know, better than sleeping on the streets.” You shrug your shoulders and take another sip of your coffee. “What about you?”

“Haven’t really slept,” He says, and you look back at him in awe. “I’ve been studying all night for my upcoming test.” He points at his laptop after sliding the pancake onto a plate and placing more batter on the pan. 

“Oh, can I?” You ask, pointing at the laptop with curious eyes. He hums in agreement while he focuses back on cooking.

You take the laptop and put the brightness up to see the word document he had opened, surprised when you notice these are all psychology notes. 

“You study psychology?” you ask in an incredulous tone, making him turn in a frown. 

“Is that a bad thing?” He replies in a sarcastic tone, which makes you laugh.

“No I just-, I never expected that to be honest.” You answer honestly. “I used to be a psychologist, until I got my license revoked.” you shrug and tighten your lips onto a thin line, grieving your career that ended so suddenly. 

Yoongi flips his fourth pancake before turning to look at you with big eyes. “You got your license revoked?!” He asks in disbelief, his tone making you roll your eyes. 

A loud sigh escapes your lips as you take another sip of your coffee. “Apparently I had a  malpractice with one of my patients and had my license placed on hold. I tried to refute the allegation but it ended up backfiring on me and they forced me to close my office and revoked my license for good.” You bite your lip to stop them from trembling, the memory of how you lost everything you worked so hard for is still very fresh in your mind.

“I’m sorry,” He replies with an honest tone. “That must have been a terrible experience, I’m sorry that happened to you.” He says as he places a plate of pancakes in front of you, the pile of pancakes decorated with some strawberries and honey. 

“Thank you,” you reply, for both his empathy and the pancakes. “So, you want to be a psychologist?” you ask him before cutting a piece of pancake and biting into it,  savoring the amazing taste of the buttery and sweet breakfast.

He finishes plating two more pancakes before sitting next to you, sipping on his coffee as he drags the laptop back to him. “I’ve always had an interest in psychology, but you know… being part of a gang doesn’t really allow you to go to university.” He chuckles as he takes the last sip of his iced americano. “I was lucky enough to find this online university but I doubt I’ll ever have the time to do the practices, I just take the classes for myself.”

“That’s very admirable of you, Yoongi.” You say against your mug, finishing your coffee right after finishing the first pancake. He hums in reply, getting shy at your kind words.

“Yeah, I guess,” He sighs. “The exams are a pain in the ass though, I can’t seem to absorb any of the information.” He chuckles lightly before rolling his eyes. 

You set your mug on the table and twist your body on the chair to face him. “I could help you.” 

Yoongi’s eyes grow bigger, “Would you really?” he whispers. 

 “Of course!” You nod with a smile on your face, excited to be somewhat useful. 

“Morning,” The high pitched voice interrupts your conversation, a tired Jimin appearing from the living room door. He turns to look at both of you, quickly directing his eyes to Yoongi and ignoring your presence. 

They exchange a few nods between them before Jimin approaches the counter and takes the two extra plates of pancakes his friend made for him. Mumbling a quiet ‘thank you’ before walking out of the kitchen as fast as he entered it. 

You can hear a door slamming shut and Taehyung’s laugh not long after, letting you know he probably sent Jimin to get him breakfast. 

“When could we start?” Yoongi asks in a shy tone, his eyes sparkling with excitement to finally have someone to study with. 

“Well, it's not like I have much to do here.” You shrug your shoulders and Yoongi looks down, feeling bad for having you locked up in the house thanks to Jungkook. “I just have to go to Hobi’s and then I can meet you at the dining table?”  You reply smiling at him.

He hums and nods before standing up, collecting the dirty dishes and placing them in the dishwasher. “I’ll see you in a bit,” He dismisses you as he picks his laptop and heads back to his initial sitting place in the living room. 

‘Uhh Yoongi?” You ask as he is about to head out of the door. He turns to look at you with wandering eyes. “Where is room one?”

He chuckles before tilting his head to the side, inviting you to follow him. You walk back into the living room with Yoongi, and once you are facing the hallway, he knocks on the first door that’s on your left.

“Come in!” The voice of Hoseok is heard from the other side of the door. 

“Thank you” you bow to Yoongi before turning around to open the door slowly, surprised to see Hoseok is not alone. 

“Oh,” a startled sound leaves your lips as you see the buff guy sitting next to Hoseok behind his desk. 

“Oh, Miss y/n. Glad to see you are looking much better.” He replies. 

“Thank you…” you try to remember if you ever got a name, but you can’t really remember much from that night. 

“Joon. I mean, Namjoon.” he chuckles. “But everyone calls me Joon.” He nods before looking at his friend who is searching for a file in his extensive folder. 

“Joon, nice to officially meet you.” You bow lightly before turning to Hoseok. “Thank you for bringing the stuff to my room.” 

Hobi shoots a quick smile at you as he continues to look through his files, “How’s your fever this morning? Did you take the pills?” He asks without looking at you, sighing in relief when he pulls the paper he was looking for from the folder and places it on his desk. 

“I didn’t take them, I had no fever when I woke up.” You reply, but you are quickly distracted by Joon’s gasp. His eyes are glued to the paper Hobi just pulled out, to which he replies with a quick “shh!”, slapping Joon’s shoulder. 

“You got somewhere to go don’t you, Joonie?”  Hoseok asks in a humorous way which makes you feel a bit uneasy. 

“Ahh I do, I’ll be back for dinner.” He announces before standing up and walking towards the door. “I’ll see you around.” He smiles at you as he walks past you, winking an eye before exiting the room. 

The room looks like a hospital suit: There are two hospital beds with all types of machines around, and then one big bed next to the wall that was on the other side of the room, barely on sigh as the room was pretty big and divided by a thin curtain between his personal space and his working area. 

“Come sit,” Hoseok offers as he points at one of the chairs that are in front of his desk. 

You walk slowly as you continue to look around the room, the smell of bleach and all sorts of medications making you feel dizzy as you sit down and wait for him to speak first. 

“So.. no fever, huh?” He asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he looks at you with a curious and friendly smile. You shake your head in reply and smile back. 

“I did feel a little feverish last night after dinner, but I guess I sweated it out during the night.” You reply in an enthusiastic but soft voice. 

 “That’s good news, y/n.” He gives you a nod of approval. “It’s normal to feel a little feverish after the booster, but I'm glad to hear it went by quickly. You must be a very strong person to recover that fast from it.” He takes the pen from his doctor gown and begins to write on the blue mysterious paper in front of him. 

You try to read some of the paper, but fail to be able to make anything out of the multiple words that are all over the paper. You could tell it was some sort of questionnaire, or something that needed to be filled up. 

“I called you in to do a quick health check on you if you are okay with it.” He begins, “A few blood tests, some general check ups to make sure you are all healthy and in perfect shape. Does that sound good to you?” He asks in a very professional tone. 

“Yeah, of course.” You reply in the same tone, making him smile ever bigger. 

“Great! It won’t take us too long, you can get changed to a robe in the bathroom. The robes are on the right side cabinets, the second one with the blue sticker on.” You look at him with big eyes, not expecting to have to get naked already. 

“A robe?” You ask shyly. 

“Oh, I thought we could run all tests quickly,” he blinks in confusion, “but, if you don’t feel comfortable with me doing the pelvic and mammary exams, you can just keep your underwear on and we’ll skip those until one of my female colleagues finds time to do them for you.” He says in a kind and understanding tone. 

You look around the room, and quickly deny his offer. “No, it’s fine. You are a doctor after all, my old gyno was a guy too. It’s fine.” you smile back before heading into the bathroom, taking a deep breath in before undressing yourself and putting a robe on, walking back into his office for your medical exams. 

It takes Hoseok almost two hours to finish with all the tests and exams, scheduling you down for some more blood tests for later to check your blood levels again. 

He kept a straight but friendly face all through the tests, asking you questions about yourself and listening carefully to your health history and the stories you would tell him that could potentially be of use for him when reading your results. 

“Great, we’re done for today! I’ll keep you updated with everything!” He claps his hands together as the door behind him labeled ‘LAB’ slowly closes. “Do you have any more questions?” He asks you as he looks in the drawers behind his desk, where all the medication was labeled in multiple drawers that went from the floor all the way to the ceiling. 

“Nope. You are an amazing doctor, Hobi. Thank you” You bow lightly as you fix your sweater and brush your hair with your hands. “I’ll see you around.” 

You are ready to leave his room when you hear your name being called, turning around to see Hoseok walking towards you with some sort of cream on his hand. 

“Take this with you,” He hands you the cream, smiling at you as you look at him confused, not sure what to use this cream for. “It’s a deep scar treatment.” He says in a quiet voice. 

You look at him with big eyes as he shifts in his place, feeling a bit nervous. “I-I.. um, I noticed you have a very prominent scar in your hip.” He says in a low voice. “You don’t have to use the cream if you want to keep the scar, but…” He hesitates to finish his sentence. 

You can feel the lump on your throat as he bites his lip, hating himself for making the whole thing uncomfortable for the both of you. 

“Scars like that are pretty hard to make, let alone heal.” He clears his throat before shaking his head, composing himself back up. “Anyway, the cream is yours. I just wanted to provide some help if I could.” He smiles, giving you a quick bow before turning around and walking towards his desk.

“Thank you, Hobi.” You are finally able to speak, the tears in your eyes making him smile with sadness, returning to his work as you make your way out of his room and quickly walking towards yours with tears streaming down your face. 

No doctor has ever commented on your scar, but instead, always asked about your mental health and if you were self harming. You were surprised to hear Hoseok’s very descriptive but also very vague words, almost like he knew exactly what caused that scar on your right hip, but was too scared to bring it up. 

You walk towards your bed and sit there, your head between your hands as you begin to sob. You haven’t thought about it for a long time, and eventually grew out of the trauma. You couldn't really remember much about that night, since you were so little you could barely talk.

You remember being in your mother’s arms as she tried to outrun your father and his friends. You remember there was screaming and crying, your mother begged your father to leave you alone as she tried to protect you but failed to move you fast enough from her arms, the knife striking you both as your dad watched your mom bleed out from her wrist, slowly laying you on the floor as she fell unconscious. 

Last thing you remember is waking up in a hospital with your dad sitting next to your bed telling you that everything was going to be fine. 

You didn’t care much about the memory itself, you were only two years old and it all felt like a blur, but you dreaded that you had proof of the night you lost your family for good. 

You hated the scar, and for some time, you hated your dad too.

You pretended to not remember anything about the incident, and you lived with your dad until you became of age and moved out of your house into college campus. 

The truth is, your relationship with your dad was never good. And after that, you couldn’t wash away the fear and the resentment you felt towards him.

 Still to this day, you wish it was him that died that night rather than your mom.

You take a few deep breaths to calm yourself before standing up and walking towards the mirror in the room, pulling your pants down low enough to reveal the scar you have dreaded your entire life. You tried all sorts of creams and treatments to remove it, but as Hobi said, it was a hard scar to create, and harder to remove. 

But for some reason, you trusted Hoseok. And with nothing to lose, you applied some of the cream onto your scar before pulling your pants back up and drying your tears, taking some time to cool down before going back into the living room to help Yoongi study. 

-

“So that would be a situational psychosis and not a chronic one, right?” Yoongi asks before taking a sip of his fifth glass of coffee. 

You smile, putting the paper down as you lean closer to Yoongi. “You got them all right, you did it!” You cheer for him as he closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh full of relief. 

You have been studying for over three hours nonstop, feeling almost delirious thanks to Yoongi who kept messing up the neuropsychosis, driving both of you mad. 

“Fuck, thank you. Holy shit.” Yoongi laughs as he bumps his shoulder against yours. “Seriously, thank you. It’s so much easier to learn all of this when studying with someone who knows about this stuff.” He nods, a small smile plastered on his face as he scrunches his nose from the happiness he is experiencing. 

“Anytime! You are more than ready for that test now.” You bump your shoulder with his. “You better get all A’s” you threaten him in a joking manner. 

“Okay, let’s do this.” He hesitates for a second. “If I get all A’s, I’ll take you out for dinner.” 

You are taken aback by his sudden invitation, staring at him with wide eyes. “I thought I couldn’t leave the house..” you say in a whisper. 

“And I thought I was going to fail this test,” he laughs. “I’m sure they won’t mind if I take you with me for one night.” He adds as he shrugs his shoulders. 

You are about to accept his offer when the main door lock starts to shake, a heated conversation between two men behind the door make you and Yoongi turn around to face it.

It doesn’t take long for the door to open, Jungkook’s body dashing in as he walks through the living room.

 He directs his sight to you for a second, lingering his angry eyes on you before sprinting towards his bedroom without saying a single word. 

“End of discussion, and I mean it Jungkook!” Jin screams before a door is slam shut. 

The apartment grows quiet as Jin turns to look at you. “Sorry about that, he can be quite childish sometimes.”

He huffs before approaching you guys with a smile. “I see you’re adapting well here,  y/n.” He pats your shoulder a couple of times before walking into the kitchen, his tired figure struggling to walk in a straight line. 

“I’m baking some cookies, y’all want some?” He asks as he walks through the kitchen door, disappearing from your sight. 

“Woah, that was intense.” Yoongi is the first to speak after the room went quiet again for a whole minute, both of you trying to process what just had happened. “I’ll go check Jin, you should probably go to your room and get some rest.” He says in a low tone, making you understand it was your time to leave. 

“Uh, yeah. I’ll see you later.” You reply quickly before taking your mug and walking towards your room, the cold and dark hallway sending shivers down your spine as you walk past Jungkook’s room. 

You feel tempted to check up on him, but a sudden shattering of glass and a grunt from the other side of the door startle you, the mug slipping from your hands and falling to the ground, breaking into a million tiny pieces. 

“Fuck!” You hear Jungkook curse, his footsteps growing louder as he approaches the door. 

The door flies open before you could react, Jungkook’s bloody hand coming to view as he stands in front of you, his jaw tightening when he sees you. 

“Are you-”  Your voice shakes. Your eyes dance between his bleeding hand and his angry eyes.

“Yes.” He replies in a cold tone which makes you frown. 

“I-” You are left talking with the wind as he sneaks past you and walks towards Hoseok’s room. Not bothered with knocking before locking himself up in his best friend’s room. 

You hesitate for a moment, looking down at your bare feet that now have a few tiny cuts. The small pieces of porcelain that lay on the floor are scattered everywhere, and you are about to tiptoe to your room before a voice coming from the end of the hallway stops you.

“You are going to cut yourself if you move,” You are able to recognise Jimin’s voice, looking up to see him standing infront of his door, looking at you incredulously. 

“Oh,” that’s all you are able to answer back. 

You know Jimin doesn’t really like you, but he is right, moving would only injure your feet more, making it even worse. 

Jimin blinks a couple of times before sighing in defeat, opening his door and calling for Taehyung to come and help him. 

“Can you get some gauze and the tweezers from Hobi’s room? Someone got cut” he asks with his head peeking inside of his room. 

“Yeah I’ll get it in a minute.” Tae replies loudly, but his voice sounds distant, almost like he was in a different room than the one Jimin was peeking into. 

He closes the door and directs his gaze towards you, rolling his eyes and sighing in annoyance before making his way towards you. 

You look at him with big eyes, unsure of what to do as the awkwardness increases between the two of you. 

“Don’t move” He demands you, slowly making his way through the glass without stepping on it until he is able to reach you. 

Once he is in front of you, he turns around and squats down, inviting you to climb on his back. 

“Well then? Hurry up before Tae comes out of the room,” He whispers annoyed as he rolls his eyes, hating himself for putting himself in this position. 

You don’t give him time to regret it, and you don’t give yourself time to think about, quickly climbing onto his back. He stands up with ease, and you are surprised at his strength as he carries you without breaking a sweat through the hallway and your bedroom until you reach your bathroom. 

He gently lets go of you, sitting you on the toilet before fixing his clothes and hair, checking himself in the mirror before looking back at you with an unbothered stare.

“Wash your feet,” he demands again in a cold tone. 

You are annoyed at his indifferent attitude, but decide not to test him and stay silent,  mumbling a quiet thank you before slowly reaching for the shower head, washing the glass off your feet carefully. 

Before you turn the faucet off, Jimin is out of the room in a flash, and you stare at the door in confusion while drying your feet slowly. 

Well that was a surprise. 

Taehyung arrives soon after you walk out of the bathroom, and he is quick to check your feet for any cuts. You are both relieved to find that you had no glass on your skin, the cuts already stopped bleeding thanks to the cold water. 

He pouts before walking back outside, wanting to be of some help but failing to do so as the glass on the hallway has already been cleaned off. 

-

“Y/n?” A soft knock on your door wakes you from your nap. “We’re having lunch right now, would you like to join us?” Taehyung asks in a sweet tone before peeking his head through the door. 

You rub your eyes lightly as you nod, getting out of the bed slowly and sitting on the edge. 

“I’ll be there in a sec.” You reply in a raspy and tired voice before heading towards the bathroom, your feet dragging on the floor. 

“Okay sweet, I’ll wait here!” He replies in a louder and more cheerful tone as he enters your room and walks towards your bed, sitting on it as he begins to rearrange your pillows. 

You shake your head humorlessly, closing your bathroom door to get some privacy as you freshen up for lunch. 

“Okay, let’s go“ You walk out of the bathroom looking more alive, smiling at Taehyung who was already smiling back at you. 

He nods before standing up and following you towards the door, closing it behind him as you both make your way down the hallway to the living room. 

You are surprised when you notice that the table is empty, but there are three instant ramen on the living room table. Jimin is snuggled on the sofa, scrolling through the movie options on the tv. 

“What took you guys so long?” Jimin asks, his eyes glued to the screen. 

“We’re here now,” Tae replies in a sassy tone. 

“And what’s up with you dude? You seemed- oh. ” Jimin’s voice dies down as soon as he sees you, the awkwardness filling up the room instantly. His eyes grow bigger before they squint at Tae. “That’s not Jungook, Tae.” 

“I know, but he said no, so I invited her instead.” He shrugs before walking towards the sofa and getting comfy in the middle seat. “We made you some ramen” he points to the ramen cup and turns to look at you, waiting for you to join. 

That’s twice now, Taehyung.  You think to yourself, making a mental note to not trust Taehyung anymore as he continues to put you in the most uncomfortable situations.

You are about to excuse yourself and tell Taehyung you rather eat in your room when the main door opens, making all of your heads turn to see who has arrived at this hour. 

Namjoon walks in, his body and hair soaking wet from the rainstorm that was going off outside. He takes his boots out before acknowledging the people in the living room, a small gasp of surprise escaping his lips before he smiles at all of you. 

“Hey, why are you guys out here so late?” Nam asks, making his way to you. 

“We missed Jin’s dinner” Tae points at the ramen cups and smiles at his friend, who shapes an ‘oh’ with his mouth before nodding in understanding. 

“Where the hell were you?” Jimin twists his body on the couch to face him properly, his face cold and showing no expression as always. 

“Out,” He winks an eye to Jimin before tappin Tae’s shoulder a couple of times, waving a quick goodbye to you as he makes his way to his room. He completely avoided Jimin’s questioning and removed himself from the situation before he got interrogated. “Goodnight!” He screams from his door before he shuts it, leaving you with Jimin and Taehyung again. 

“Come on, let’s be civil tonight,” Taehyung says before you are able to excuse yourself, and based on Jimin’s reaction, he didn’t want you here either. “Let’s have some dinner, watch a movie and head back to bed.” Tae pulls your arm, forcing you to sit on the sofa. “I have a feeling we’ll have a long day tomorrow.”  

Chapter Five:

“No,” Jimin spits out. “Absolutely fucking not.”

“For once, I agree with him,” Jungkook crosses his arms in disagreement, his angry eyes glued to Jin. 

If looks could kill, you and Jin would be six feet under. 

You had a feeling that whatever happened at headquarters was not good, but nothing could have prepared you for the news Jin just delivered after calling for a group meeting in the basement. 

“I know it’s not ideal, but it's what we have.” Jin sighs, rubbing his temples as he tries to calm himself down. The tension in the room is loud, everyone waiting for the other to finally snap at Jin, or you. “It’s a headquarters order.” He adds in a cold tone, letting them know there is nothing he can do to change it.

Your eyes wander around the room, heavy frowns decorating everyone’s faces thanks to the news, you being the least excited of them all. 

After Jin and Jungkook returned from headquarters, their attitude has been very condescending. Jin locked himself in the kitchen, making an appearance every now and then in the common areas just to disappear again into Hoseok’s office and then back to his. He spoke only to Yoongi during this time, a faint smile would appear on his face when your eyes would meet at the common areas and during lunch, his tired eyes staring at you with both fear and sympathy. 

You could tell something was up this morning before Jin called for the meeting. 

Yoongi stayed by your side all morning, going over the psychology notes before as an excuse to distract himself, but the constant bouncing of his leg made it more than obvious that he already knew what was going to happen later today. 

Hell, he probably heard the news before anyone else did, which would explain why he looks the least surprised out of us all. 

“And what happens if I decide to not join, or if I don't pass the test?” You break the silence, your body entering fight or flight mode as the anxiety builds up. 

All eyes turn to look at Jin, who bites his lips nervously. His eyes linger on you before he shifts on his seat.

“They’ll probably kill you once they realize you are not my cousin, and then kill us all for treason.” The somber tone of his words send a shiver to your spine, the whole room going quiet again as his words settle in. 

You always said there are many variables in life, but you never expected being a part of a mafia group to be one of those variables for you. 

And now everyone‘s life is on the line because of you. 

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Jimin exasperates, standing up from his chair and pacing side to side as he brushes his hair back with his fingers, the anger finally lashing out. “I should've killed you when I had the chance.” He mumbles angrily, walking towards you with quick steps. “I should have fucking killed you!” He screams, launching himself at you.

A fearful gasp escapes your lips as you watch him trying to wrap his hands around your neck, but Namjoon stops him as he stands up in front of you, his body working as a shield between you and Jimin, who proceeds to stare at him with a defying glance. 

“That’s enough, Jimin.” Namjoon mumbles. “Killing her now won’t change anything, she’s one of us,” He sighs, looking over his shoulder to meet your eyes with pity. “At least for now.”

Jin quickly dismisses everyone after assigning the members different tasks to help shape you into one of them. You were informed training would start immediately, a big wave of relief washing over you when you hear your first ‘class’ is with Yoongi.

Headquarters has given you only three weeks before your first mission with Taehyung and Jimin.Apparently, being Jin’s cousin also means you have it in your blood, which is why they believe you can learn as fast as Jin did. 

You haven’t been given any information on what the mission is about, but the second you enter the training room, which looks like a huge highschool gym, Yoongi starts teaching you about knives, blades, and all sorts of different ways to use them. 

You are almost done with your first training when Yoongi finally eases down and goes from teacher mode to friend mode again, something you are thankful for as your body was giving up from his strict training. 

You are sweating in places you didn't know you could sweat.

“Not bad for your first time” He compliments you, offering a water bottle before taking one for himself. Both of you are rehydrating from all the sweating the training caused. 

“I’m dead, you are a tough teacher!” You whine to which he laughs before looking at you with pitiful eyes. 

“Well, good luck for the next class, you’ll need it.” he shifts his head to the side, pointing at the guns. So gun control was next. 

And with perfect timing, the doors fly open, and your next teacher is none other than the person who hates you the most in the world. 

Jimin. 

“Break’s over, the sooner we can get this done, the better. I have shit to do,” He spits out bitterly, his eyes dancing between you and Yoongi as he works the lock that’s hanging from the gun’s protective glass.

Yoongi gives you a quick wave as he walks out of the room, running into Namjoon as he makes his way to you. 

“Quick!” Jimin snaps at you and you discreetly roll your eyes before placing your bottle on the ground. 

“Well isn’t this ironic,” you whisper under your breath.

“Don’t worry,” The voice of Namjoon startles you, turning to him as he looks at you with a cheeky grin. “I’ll supervise the class to make sure you don’t blow each other’s brains out.” He crosses his arms proudly before chuckling. 

You huff back with a small grin before making your way to Jimin who is holding two guns, one on each hand. 

“Hold this, I’ll teach you how to load a gun first, if you are good enough then we’ll practice target aim” His tone is sassy and judgmental, clearly not excited to be in the room with you, let alone be your teacher. 

“Fighting!!” you hear Namjoon cheering you from the corner, a quick encouraging smile decorating his lips before Jimin starts class, and your entire focus becomes the gun that’s now in your hands.

-

If you weren’t dead before, you are certainly dead now. 

“See you tomorrow for your next class.” Jimin speaks nonchalantly. “Joon, can you close behind me? I’m running late to headquarters.” He says as he stares at his smart watch, a frown on his face as he reads the messages. 

“You’re going to headquarters?” Joon asks which Jimin answers in a vague answer.

“Yeah, they wanted me to help with some administration.” And just as quick, he is out of the door after he promises to be back home soon. 

You and Namjoon look at the doors that flap back and forward, confused at the sudden hurry. 

“You don’t think he’s going to snitch on me, right?” You reply as you walk towards him, the thought of him going to headquarters to tell them the truth making you panic. 

“Jimin would never do that to us,” Namjoon replies confidently. “He might not like you, but he likes us enough to not do something that could hurt us.” He comforts you with his words as you sigh defeated. 

You slide your back against the wall and slowly make your way to the floor, letting out a big sigh as you rest your head against the wall and finish your water bottle. 

“Go rest, you’ve had an intense day.” Namjoon says as he picks the guns and places them back on the counter, locking it up and placing the keys in his back pocket. “Get some Iced cream at Hoseok’s on your way out, your shoulder will thank you tomorrow.”

You nod with your eyes still closed, ready to fall asleep on the floor at the fatigue wave that just washed over you. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow for our class, good night y/n” He says right before walking out of the room. 

You open your eyes to an empty, dark room. The last ray of sun that was lighting up the room went as quick as the guys left. 

You slowly make your way up, your body already feeling sore from all the exercise and stress. 

Joon’s right, you should stop by Hoseok’s to get that cream before taking a shower. 

-

You walk out of the shower feeling better. The cream tingles your skin as it does its magic on your sore muscles, mixed with the lavender oils of your shower products. 

You make your way to the dressing table and automatically connect the blow dryer and start to dry your hair without thinking much about it, your body working in auto pilot as you are too tired to even try. 

That’s until you are aware of the shadow that’s standing behind you. 

You scream loud enough to startle him as well, making him turn the lights behind him that lets you make out his features.. It was Jungkook. 

“You need to stop! Doing! That!” you scream again, turning the blow dryer off and taking some deep breaths, your hand on your heart as you look at him through the mirror. 

He huffs as he mimics your actions, “You did not have to scream like that, Jesus Christ” he tells you in a whisper. “You are the one using the blow drier at this hour. There’s people trying to sleep, you know?” 

“Oh,” you reply, not really knowing how late it was as you had no clocks around you, so you’ve been completely unaware of time. “Sorry, I have no sense of time here. You guys have no clock in the house.” you reply in a whisper, disconnecting the blow drier and brushing your semi-wet hair. 

“It’s almost … 3 am” he replies as he looks at his watch, walking into your room without an invitation as you finish your night routine. 

He sits on your bed in complete silence, watching you apply all sorts of creams on your face and body. 

“Are you entertained?” you ask in a funny voice, snapping him out of his zone-out. 

“Very much so, it's quite relaxing watching you do your skin care,” he shrugs, his eyes diverting from you to the bed, his hands playing with the sheets beneath him. “How was your first day? Were the guys good to you?” He asks shyly, his curious eyes coming back up to meet yours through the mirror, eager to hear your answer.

You turn around in your chair, making direct eye contact for the first time tonight. “It was intense,” you nod before sighing. “But you guys are awfully nice for being kidnappers in a mafia group.” you chuckle, but quickly regret it when you see Jungkook’s face turning into a frown. 

“We are not kidnappers,” he says in a bitter,cold tone. “I was just…looking for someone.” You humm quietly as a response, scared to make him even more upset with your words. There’s a long silence before he talks again, “We are good people, I promise.” He says in a whisper. There is some weight to his words and his tone, almost like a desperation for you to believe him, which you do. 

You stare at each other in silence for a few seconds, your eyes exchanging secret codes that not even you could figure out. 

You sigh heavily before standing up and making your way to the bed, sitting next to Jungkook who scoots to the side to give you more space to sit next to him.

“The guys have been good, You’ve all been very welcoming.. Well, almost all of you.” You chuckle, which he mimics as he places a hand on your shoulder, making you wince at the touch.

“Oh, you’re sore?” He quickly moves his hand away, his eyes growing bigger as you take deep breaths trying to control the pain. 

“Yeah, Jimin had me shooting like he was preparing me for war.” You rub your shoulder with a frown, making Jungkook laugh quietly as he places his hand on your shoulder again, this time he’s more gentle. 

“Let me help,” He whispers before he begins to carefully massage your sore shoulder. 

He applies just enough pressure to alleviate the sore muscle without hurting you, and you close your eyes and enjoy the free massage in silence, thankful for his magical hands. 

“Your muscles are too tense, you should get some acupuncture with Hobi tomorrow.” Jungkook whispers, snapping you out of your peaceful state. 

“Mmmhm,” You answer, opening your eyes and turning your head to look at him, “thank you for the massage,” you give him a small smile. 

“Anytime,” He nods in confirmation as he returns the smile, the tension in the room quickly increasing as you both run out of words. 

Your eyes shift to his lip piercing, focusing on how he moves it around nervously, making your heartbeat accelerate, growing nervous yourself. 

You bite your lip involuntarily, wondering how it would feel to have a piercing too. But your actions are caught by Jungkook, whose eyes have been dancing between your eyes and your lips, he is fully aware about where your attention is. 

“y/n…” Jungkook whispers, making you look back up into his eyes, your mouth opening slightly at the sight. 

His factions look softer, less tense. His fluffy hair falling on his forehead makes him look extra soft and cute which makes your heart skip a beat. 

He licks his lips nervously, your eyes dancing between his eyes and his now wet lips at a quick pace. 

You feel his shoulder against yours as he leans closer, his opposite arm reaching for your cheek as he pulls you closer to him, connecting your lips in a soft, warm kiss. 

Your hand lands softly on his cheek, kissing him back as you both deepen the kiss. You both move slowly, almost scared that the other will back out, but you are surprised when he sighs between the kisses, his breath picking up against your lips as he slides his tongue against your lower lip before he sucks on it, kissing you more intensely this time around. 

His hand reaches the back of your head, pulling you closer as he kisses you diligently, making you moan his name against his lips. 

Something ticks off inside Jungkook when he hears his name come out of your lips as a moan, making him break the kiss quickly as you both regulate your breathing. 

He lets go of you as he seats in his initial position, his eyes glued to the floor for a few seconds in complete silence.

You are still surprised about the kiss, your breathing agitated as you stare at him in confusion, unsure of why he suddenly stopped. You are about to ask him why he stopped when he speaks first, making you shut your mouth quickly. 

“I… you should sleep, I have to go.” He says quietly, his eyes not leaving the floor as he stands up, fixing his pants as a nervous tick as he looks around the room before making his way towards the door. “Good night y/n.” 

“Wait,” you call out to him, standing up quickly and walking your way to him. You don’t think twice when you grab his arm and turn him around, launching yourself to him as you connect your lips once more, his hands landing on your waist as he stabilizes his balance and reciprocates the kiss with a deep exhale. 

The kiss doesn’t last long, both of you moving apart after a few seconds. “Goodnight Jungkook.” You let go of his arm as he stares at you with a blank stare, surprised at your actions. 

He doesn’t reply, but instead sighs before walking away, closing the door behind him as you watch him walk away, feeling butterflies on your stomach even after the door is closed. A smile on your face as you get back on bed and turn the lights off.

You feel all giddy inside when you replay the kiss in your mind until you fall asleep. 

You just kissed Jungkook, and he didn't reject you.

[to be continued]

-------------------------------------------------------

Helloooo! did you miss me? jeje

Sorry I've been inactive for almost four months TT, adulting had me on a chokehold and I had no time to write!

Hope you guys enjoy this long piece I'm working on! Don't forget to like it, reblog it and comment on it if you like it! it truly helps me a lot because that's how I know people are actually reading and it motivates me to write lol

Happy readings, Ceci x