#i just want to study them all in a lab
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Every time there is any kind of traffic life duo/trio/shipping/grouping poll I'm just sitting over here like "why are we pitting all these bad bitch dumpster fires against each other?" why can't we just study them all under a microscope?
#rain rambles#i just want to study them all in a lab#run them through mazes like rats#and i mean this in the least pretentious way possible#i just have ensemble brain rot#i love all of them in wildly different ways that cannot accurately be compared to each other#send help#i feel like my aroace polyam side is showing lol
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the tragedy of the vackers and how inevitably they will mess up their kids for life. you can’t be a vacker without meeting high standards, you can’t be a vacker without thinking about your every mood, tone, expression.
the very idea of being a vacker is incompatible with a truly stable, normal, and happy childhood, the very idea of being a vacker is incompatible with a childhood.
and you can’t blame your parents, can you? they were given the same lessons, internalized the same ideals, they don’t know any better and how are they supposed to do much without the tools to succeed in parenting? they love you and while you think they would love you no matter what, would they like you? would they treat you the same if you tainted their name, dishonored the family, disappointed them? and don’t you owe it to them, in a way? owe them perfection, a gilded image that reflects on the vackers as a whole, and how would your father’s parents, hell, how would all the generations before you, react if you were the one to bring shame and ruination to the family, if you were the one to let the great vacker name fall? your duty is to your family and their image, first and foremost. get detentions, fail a test, slouch, speak with an off tone, grow too emotional, be messy? those all reflect on your family. and you don’t want to disappoint them, do you? you are gripped by this deep sense of fear, of dread, whenever you get dragged into a detention by your best friend, when you realize that as the youngest of three you have perhaps the most pressure to manifest a special ability, when you realize you have two siblings and are therefore… replaceable, expendable, forgettable
#vacker legacy is just a fancy way to say generational trauma#who wants to bet most vackers have an anxiety related disorder of some kind#this is why i don’t view them as like anglo white tbh#as a latine person i relate wayyy too heavily#i want to put all of them in a lab and study them#wtf is your deal!!!!#vacker family#kotlc#maybe a lot of this stuff isn’t directly said#but it’s a silent understanding passed down like a fucked up family heirloom
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#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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been losing my mind reading hsr posts online again so you get a jade analysis 👍
yes i KNOW evil woman. we're not going down that path rn. i know shes morally dubious and all shades of suspicious and works for the fucking ipc. i KNOW.
i'm here because i believe she has been misattributed like crazy.
a) the aventurine relationship. we already know this one. any good analysis on them will tell you clearly that aventurine made both the bet and the deal. what happens after is between two adults. (and yes, i'll give points that jade is a manipulative bastard, but so is aventurine. he works for the same fucking company. they do the same assignments.) anyway, i'm not really in the mood to rehash jade and aventurine's misinterpreted relationship beyond this: aventurine made the choice to make a deal with jade and start working for the ipc. in fact he wanted to meet with diamond, but didn't, which is a fascinating little tidbit. i digress. it's easy to say "jade manipulated aventurine into working as a stoneheart" but reanalyzing the scene will make it clear that she distinctly both didn't manipulate him (into that, anyway), and made a direct deal with his gamble. honestly, they both have similar strategies. hey, i wonder if this will come up later 🤔
b) the topaz relationship. i'm sorry, but there is absolutely no way jade singlehandedly made sure topaz didn't see any atrocities committed by the ipc in her entire life. are you fucking insane? topaz grew up on an ipc controlled planet, likely surrounded by ipc propaganda the whole time. along with this, topaz has nine other colleagues in the stonehearts (eight if you don't count jade) and more than likely hundreds or thousands of coworkers. this cannot fall solely on jade's shoulders as to why topaz doesn't fucking know the scope of the ipc. this falls onto "topaz grew up on a planet controlled by them, and more importantly, a planet surviving by the ipc." you can even contrast this with aventurine, who grew up on a planet with ipc agents; but unlike topaz, aventurine's planet had a vastly different result, including the massacre of his people. both of these are facts that have very little to do with jade. her having introduced and directly hired topaz and aventurine into the stonehearts is a different fucking issue, don't go confusing them. you will not survive the winter. i will kill you. ok. that wasn't necessary. i apologize.
c) so why is jade the way that she is? well, i'm delving into theory territory here but i have two main strands. one, all of the stonehearts have similar stories, something i cannot confirm without more of them, but i am of the opinion that all of them distinctly are "something that they don't want to be." two, i think i know who jade was before she was jade. ok let's get into this.
the stonehearts being "something that they don't want to be." well, this is obvious with aventurine, as he is actively working for the ipc. there's a lot to be attributed with his self destruct personality and tendency to gamble everything ever, but i'm really not an aventurine fan so i'm not here to overanalyze him. plus, i'm confident it's been said before (side note: if you're interested in a decent aventurine analysis that looks at misinformation, i found this one pretty good). topaz is another pretty obvious idea, seen as everyone is confident she doesn't know the scope of the ipc's atrocities. i cannot fact check this but i vaguely remember her introductory event, so i'll concede that point. topaz distinctly doesn't know what she's getting into, meaning that i'm characterizing her as "a good person, naive, hasn't had her world shattered" or something along those lines. and now you ask the question: but tenor, what about jade? she CAN'T be like that, haven't you seen her manipulate the shit out of people?
well. now i give you who i think jade WAS. in jade's character stories, there's a jewelry merchant from a failing system who goes to the bonajade exchange. interestingly, jade isn't mentioned at all in her first character story, as it focuses on the merchant. even stranger, the deal ends with the jewelry merchant being contractually obligated to work for the ipc, for life (this section ends with "give your everything to the ipc" <- paraphrased, but still). essentially, for the hope that her system will be saved, the merchant gives her everything. the second story is where jade shows up. i believe the original owner of the bonajade exchange would have been diamond. i also believe that jade didn't originally have the snake. as jade only shows up in her second character story, it's my opinion that jade is that jewelry merchant. her system is, incidentally, destroyed, as it hadn't survived, something that is also mentioned in her character stories. this wouldn't matter if it didn't have something to do with her. another trait that i feel doesn't line up with popular interpretations is, well, her lightcone. "yet hope is priceless," being the name and the image/description describes her (implied) common visits/donations to an orphanage. she is actively making sure the orphanage stays afloat. jade distinctly makes deals with adults and, more importantly, gives them directly what the owe, yet doesn't discourage them from making deals with her. i believe she doesn't expand this to children, especially not the ones she's fucking donating to the orphanage for. more so, jade's lightcone name, "yet hope is priceless," makes no fucking sense with her character, someone who typically puts a price on everything. the only way it makes sense is if she had hope at one point or another. if she was the jewelry merchant, bargaining to save her home (this also lines up, imo, with jade's heavy focus on jewelry motifs. i believe she has that because she used to sell it; which would also make sense why she has "a planet" as a bracelet, though i'm of the opinion that that's a metaphor).
ok so how does that connect with the first point. weeeeeeeell, if we're going off of "jade is the jewelry merchant, and the jewelry merchant made a deal to work for the ipc to save her home system," this is very distinctly a deal that didn't work. i do think that jade inherited the bonajade exchange and the snake from someone else. i also think that jade originally had hopes similar to say, aventurine or topaz, when she joined. jade, in my opinion, is a character who joined originally to help people ("yet hope is priceless"), yet lost herself in her work, culminating in the manipulative bastard we see now. i don't think this end point was where she wanted to be. given the fact that, if this is true, all three stonehearts we've seen in game occupy similar stories, i wouldn't be surprised if this pattern keeps up. it's literally the classic "live long enough to see yourself become the villain." topaz and aventurine get so victimized in analyses that people do not take the time to compare them with jade, and yet all three are more similar than people want to admit.
ok well, that was a lot of theory writing. to tell you the truth, i think this is way more interesting than simply writing jade off as "completely evil woman," which i'm not sorry about. she's an interesting character! it's just that she owns her employment to the ipc in a vastly different way to topaz and aventurine, meaning that she's easier to look at as distinctly evil. not to mention, her theming being very "snake in the garden of eden." but i digress. this was a lot more than what i intended to write LMAO if you read this far i'm kissing you on the mouth or whatever.
#honkai star rail#hsr#jade hsr#aventurine and topaz come up but its not worth it to tag them fully lmao#tenor talks#oh my god im so sorry. i genuinely didnt mean to become a jade fan she snuck up on me#i dont even think shes hot i just want to study her in a lab#insert 'dont test me i spent all of penacony loving characters who were hated' shirt here#methinks ill do a sparkle analysis at some point too 🤔#because she also gets misattributed constantly and it drives me up a wall#anyway. im nromal and can be trusted with jade hsr.#ok sorry everyone for hsr posting on main i WILL be over it . probably.
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when jane's powers return in season four (and because they were regained by her confronting and accepting her past, rather than being retraumatised with it!) they're stronger than they ever were. when she starts getting a handle back on them, she very quickly comes to realise not only have they affected her, but her mother, too. one of the biggest losses that came about with her losing them was the fact that she could no longer visit terry in the void; while there was no real communication there, it did allow jane to sit with her, and gain a little more connection than she could in the real world. when she first visits the void after their return, it takes her three hours to find terry, something that is both unexpected and incredibly worrying. but when she does, it's something of a miracle. jane's increased strength and control over the void actually wakes terry up from her catatonic state, but only in the void. there's no way to help her mother physically, but she does do so (unbeknownst to her) mentally. terry is reborn in jane's newfound control over the vale of shadows; she becomes the woman she once was, and while her body remains frozen in a "good dream", her mind connected to jane's own allows her some freedom. jane is able to speak to her mother in the void, is able to be held by her, and while it's still unfair and jane cannot stay in there forever, it's something. this only lasts for about eight months, as each visit slowly begins deteriorating terry's physical and mental state, and jane's health begins declining after spending hours upon hours in the void each and every day.
when jane finds out these visits are actually killing her mother on the outside, she deems to stop, but terry expresses the importance of them being able to speak, that she'd prefer to die on the outside, if it meant she could have just a few months with her daughter like this. terry and jane's connection was always so strong, which ultimately led to terry "waking up" in the void, but even jane's newfound strength cannot save her from the harsh realities. each visit nearing the end of those eight months, terry fades more and more, becomes weaker in the void, and her real body eventually gives up. jane's in the void when her mother eventually passes on, and physically feels their connection weaken, like some part of her suddenly becomes lost in the shadows, a part she'll never find again. jane falls into a depressive state for weeks after her mother's death, given she's technically lost her a second time, but soon comes to realise she was lucky to have even shared those eight months together. it was better than nothing at all. there is a proper burial and funeral, (and when jane dies, she's buried next to her mother) which allows jane some sense of closure. she never fully recovers from losing terry, nor from the fact that she never had a proper relationship with her, but she does eventually find some peace with it all.
#study‚ in my dreams it's all real and my heart has so much to reveal.#IF U SAW ME POSTING THIS YESTERDAY. no u didn't.#i wanted to change things again (who is surprised!!) and decided to just rewrite it all rip.#me taking a few weeks off from this blog and then coming back with a brand new terry / jane hc? more likely than u think.#purely self indulgent too i might add!#every day i battle with making my terry portrayal canon to jane's timeline so jane can have her mother in every verse not just#selected ones.#but. her not having her mother is ultimately important to my writing of her and sfjasfjas >:( hate myself for it.#so here be a brand new addition to my timeline that gives jane SOME time with her mother!!! bc i need it for my mental health.#i imagine when terry dies her body turns to smoke in the void. almost like what happened to billy when jane was spying on him.#and he stopped her connection and faded in front of her.#and jane also visited terry a lot in the void because it allowed her to see more memories of her mother.#i hc that she had a real grasp on that before s3 when she looks into billy's memories.#terry (even in her catatonic state) WANTED jane to see what happened to her in hawkins lab.#so she'd want her to see the good stuff too. her childhood. andrew. her grandmother that raised her and becky.#all the good memories!#so when terry dies jane loses all that completely.#which leads to jane grappling with the conflict of whether or not she should have kept visiting terry in the void which eventually led to#her death.#because if she hadn't connected to her. she'd at least be able to look back on all those memories.#jane becomes obsessed within those months and barely speaks to anyone else.#in any free time she has. she's in the void with terry.#her own physical body grows very weak after a little while but she pays no attention to it and even gets into heated arguments with becky.#because becky is jane's carer and needs her safe and healthy. needs to look after her.#but jane is so adamant about the fact that this is her MOTHER and she's finally able to speak to her.#UGH i have so much to say abt this actually i sense a brand new addition to my timeline coming on.#ANYWAY. i'm emotional about them that is all.
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jane has a very warped, toxic relationship with the void, which stems particularly from her time with her friends, in the early days, opposed to her time in hawkins lab. she expects punishment in the lab for noncompliance, which is why she does everything papa asks of her, in fear for what may happen if she refuses. she soon comes to believe that her only use in the party is to find will, or they'll “send her back to pennhurst or wherever she comes from.” it’s a different kind of punishment, but the pressure to comply is the same. jane gets her first taste of freedom in season one, but still spends it imprisoned and in a role where so much of her is demanded physically and mentally. the scene especially in episode seven, when they're all around joyce's dining table, talking about her like she's a machine, proves this tenfold. at this point, she is off in the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror, crying because she can't help these people. a twelve year old girl who has never been outside in her life, crying because she's letting these strangers down… and they're doing absolutely nothing to help her along with it. to make her feel secure and safe.
mike: but she's drained. dustin: like a bad battery. joyce: well, how do we make her better? mike: we don't. we just have to wait and try again. nancy: well, how long?!
it's all well and good when joyce tells her that she's right there for her when jane enters the void, tells her she is brave. but they are all, for the most part, willing to sacrifice her, her feelings, her safety, to get will back. they don't know the void, and while jane is physically there with them, they have no idea what it could do to her. i understand joyce is his mum, of course she'll stop at nothing until will is returned, but it doesn't justify the way jane is treated and spoken about like she isn't even there. joyce should be on her hands and knees thanking jane for traumatising herself to find her son. and hopper literally selling her out to the hawkins lab people, putting her back in brenner's custody don't even get me startedddd. like she isn't a little girl, like she matters less than will does. she is basically treated like a metal detector for the better part of the season. [like a dog. like a makeshift girlfriend. she's placed into so many different roles and uses by these people, and is never given a chance to determine what she may want.] i understand that no time could really be wasted in terms of finding will, but if even one of them had asked her how she felt, if she needed to take a break, it would have made all the difference. she would have pushed herself regardless, but at least it would have shown that not only will mattered.
but no one did ask. and it leaves jane feeling like it's okay to sacrifice herself to the void; it leaves her treating the void like it's less dangerous, less unknown than it really is. they are her friends, she loves these people, so if they say it’s fine for her to do this, then she believes it, and never stops believing it. this ties in so nicely to the debate between max and mike regarding her powers in season three: mike thinking jane should limit herself to keep safe, and max arguing that it's up to jane, that she knows her own limits. where in reality, she doesn't know any limits, because she was never taught to have them. [i don't specifically blame the boy's in this instance, because they were just kids in season one, but joyce and hopper, even nancy and jonathan, could've stepped up.] if anyone told her back then, when she was even more impressionable than she is now, that if she was scared, if she didn't want to do it, she didn't have to. she still would have, of course, but then and there it would have instilled the fact that she had choices. so when mike proclaims that it's not good for her to be in there for that long, jane thinks nothing of it, because she should have been told these things three years prior. it leaves her using the void like it's no big deal, never taking a minute to consider how it could be affecting her body and mind.
#study. come my darling homeward bound.#everyone just. thinks about themselves. where for five minutes they could have (should have) made jane their priority.#of course nancy is traumatised about barb’s death.#but jane had to SEE it.#she comes out of the void scrambled and scared. and yes joyce holds her close but.#she should have been apologised to. sorry that she had to see what she saw.#ALSO THIS IS NO SHADE TO ANY OF THE ST CHARACTERS.#i literally love all of them.#they hardly knew what they were dealing with and turned to jane bc she seemed to know the most.#but it's just interesting to me because if only one of them had have said to her that she didn't need to do it.#that it was dangerous and she was just a little girl.#it could have very easily changed her relationship with the void and what jane thinks her friends expect of her.#not to mention the direct parallels of everyone watching her in the bath in episode seven.#just like all the hawkins lab people watched her in the tanks.#like she’s still performing for them. she’s still working because at the end of the day they want what she can provide. not her.
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University ever pushes you so low you have to go buy a couple of beers? /srs/neg
I'm gonna vent in the tags for a moment humor me for once /gen
#No but I'm serious this place is a nightmare /neg#Venting in the tags#humor me for a second. you go to this uni and they promise you a place that will teach you how to become an artist#on both like. morality and skill level. they feed you with bullshit for MONTHS. “oh mistakes are fine! they make you grow!”#or “oh this is a community we work all together there are no discriminations this is a safe place to learn and improve”#and we like. work on this projects - THAT WE ARE NOT PAID TO WORK FOR SO *WE* GET TO PAY FOR ALL THE MATERIALS AND SHIT FOR THEM.#to like “help the community” or whatevrr because “artists are born to inspire others and bring joy” and blah blah blah. BUT. LIKE. THE THING#THE THING IS. NONE OF THESE PROJECTS WILL END UP ON OUR CURRICULUMS. WHAT WE WORK 6-7 YEARS FOR ARE NOT SEEN AS REAL EXPERIENCES.#AS IF WE'VE DONE LITERALLY NOTHING FOR 6-7 YEARS. AND LIKE. THE PROFESSORS ARE SO RACIST AND DISCRIMINATORY AS WELL.#If they don't like you they WON'T EVEN GIVE YOU THE EXAM. BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO DEMONSTRATE IF YOU WORKED OR NOT. IT'S UP TO THEM.#THEY DECIDE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE AS IF WE ARE SOME SORT OF FUCKING COMMUNIST KINDA BULLSHIT WORKERS.#Someone fucks up? *WE* FUCK UP AND EVERYONE PAYS. Someone succeeds? *WE* SUCCEED AND EVERYONE GETS THE CREDITS.#THIS IS ALSO WHY NONE OF THE WORKS WE DO END UP IN OUT CURRICULUM BECAUSE ITS MADE SO THAT *THE UNIVERSITY COURSE* DID IT AND NOT *US*.#IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT AND I CAN'T EVEN GET OUT OF THERE BECAUSE IF I DO MY PARENTS WILL KICK ME OUT CUZ THEY DON'T WANT ME TO BE AN ARTIST#So I'm trying to STUDY for the exams and the “professors” are getting mad at me that I'm not staying 10 HOURS IN THAT MOTHERFUCKING ART LAB.#WORKING AT THEIR NONSENSE PROJECTS THAT WILL NOT END UP IN MY CURRICULUM.#“Oh if you're not willing to put all your efforts for the course this is not the place for you” BITCH I *AM* PUTTING ALL MY EFFORTS!#THIS EXAM IS *LITERALLY* PART OF THE COURSE!! WHAT KIND OF FUCKING BULLSHIT ARGUMENT IS THAT!!!!!#Istg I'm gonna cry I want to kms /NOT SERIOUS#I'm gonna cook dinner. chug my lemon beer. and try to study like a normal person and beg this shit will end soon#Don't worry I'm not going to become an alcoholic I just need something. anything and I'm ABSOLUTELY not gonna start smoking I hate it /srs#tw alchohol mention#alcohol mention#tw smoking mention#smoking mention#vent#tw vent#// mike speaks
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My lab partners in physics are literally useless I feel insane. I asked if either of them wanted to stay after class to work on it so I didn’t have to do it all myself and one said she just got a puppy the day before (fine, if that’s true I guess) and the other said … “suuure” and then kept going out of the classroom to call someone and he left halfway through class in a rush. I 100% believe he called his mom and was like “you gotta pick me up NOW”
#he’s a high schooler in a college class and has done… nothing#that class was an exam and I don’t even think he took it#I feel bad but like#it’s so much fucking math I don’t want to do#my post#vent#the group behind me is looks five people who are all participating#and they’re planning meet up times and study sessions and I’m like UGHHHHHHHHHH#I asked my partners if they wanted to do the math separately and compare notes and they said “nah I don’t trust myself to do it’#THATS WHY YOUR IN A CLASS. TO LEARN#I WOULD DO IT AS WELL THATS THE POINT#they just don’t want to fucking do it#am I writing this instead of working on the lab#yea#I half feel like fucking making a copy of it and doing it myself and not letting them have it because!!!! it’s my fukcing work!!!!!!#I won’t but it seems sooooooooooo tempting
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All I’m saying is that it’s tragic how very intelligent students are forced to drop out and made feel stupid because some professors feel the need to make their courses so intense that one needs to study 50-60 hours a week, while they just need rest to function, but would have no problem understanding the material if they just had to study 40 hours a week, the actual fucking guidelines for what full-time studies should be.
#I remember when I had a bad cold the week we had FOUR LABS#AND THREE OF THEM WERE SIX HOURS LONG#I think I ruined my liver with all the paracetamol I took#I stood there like a zombie and watched things drip for four-five hours a day and barely saw sunlight for a whole week#I get that’s it kind of inevitable that e.g. chemical engineering will be more difficult than economics#but why is especially stem like that???#I’ve seen people in classrooms of the physics/engineering building at 6pm on a Saturday#although this partially applies to me#I’m mostly thinking of other people and I’m not calling myself super intelligent#humans just need rest#maybe in particular neurodivergent people#my mom (who is an epidemiologist (she doesn’t work with Covid)) has told me that so much study time is to be expected#and with everything else going on in my life#I just don’t know if I want to put myself through it#maybe if becoming a biologist was my dream I would do it#but now??? idk
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I went and did my exam (very thoroughly), got home and sorted out my finances + ordered groceries (bc I finally have some fucking money to buy them with), & then planned to write a bit and then do some chores. But then I just conked out lmao
It's been... a rough few days. I probably needed the rest.
#speculation nation#i need to do the dishes and some laundry and put away groceries when they get here#but im just like. hhhhhmgn#i mean i gotta put cold stuff away either way but i wanted to clean my fridge out some. probs not gonna happe.#i was too tired to write. oh well#the exam went really well tho. i feel very strongly on it.#some guys let the exam lamenting about having no clue what abstraction is and i was just like#'? he mentioned it in class? i dont know what's so difficult about that'#and i made Sure to memorize this morning the essential components of server and client programs#essentially the 'Socket s = new Socket('ip'#AGH code doesnt work in here. ip then port number. also the stuff like InputStream instream = s.getInputStream();#PrintWriter out = new PrintWriter(outstream. true); out.println(in.nextLine); etc etc etc#all those pieces. some of which do not work well in tags.#he straight up told us we would have to write these components from memory so like. anyone who didnt study them. too bad for u i guess#i also studied up on GUI and the swing vs awt stuff. a bit. just in case. but it wasnt applicable.#doesnt hurt to know tho. he also told us if we needed more time on our lab that's ok. but i already got it done >:]#and spring break is next week. i feel like i have a weight of my shoulders.#both financially and with those few days of Hell#i mean things r still a lil tight financially speaking. but i got some more groceries (even if i had to be Picky about what i got)#but after my next paycheck things should be much better. and i will be more careful with my money... next time.#i dont wanna get down to the literal $5 i was at for like a Week again lol. that. sucked kind of a Lot whoops.#im working more and i have a tax return coming at some point. and THREE paychecks this month#i hate shorter months lmfao. less money in a month aka less money b4 rent and health insurance bills are due#i wont have to make the next one stretch for the 1st and thank God bc one paycheck is Not enough for rent and health insurance#im making things work. but man things sure have been rough in more ways than one.
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#ew not me finding disgustingly cheesy stuff I wrote#in the DRAFTS of this blog#right infront of my salad#like. a zombie(?) with no heart and a doctor who the zombie goes to once a day to have his heart checked lol#god i gotta delete these i swear#the thought of anyone receiving my laptop if god forbid something happens to me and then reading these is so mortifying to me#i rlly gotta delete these#do you want to hear the menu of these nonsense posts:#1. we got mr. no heart zombie w/ high body temp and his anemic heart doctor#2. miss palace botanist/healer and her annoying student who ends up being the second prince lol#3. cheerful oblivious guy and some one who views him from far as a thorn that causes hemorrhage#i think i just combined all my fears and horrors into dumb tragedies. fears: unwise relationships. the medical field. unrequited love#sorry to 2016-2019-me... i am deleting ur stuff. i mean. im glad u found some place to project your fear and sadness into.#What better coping method than to turn the story of you and your love for science into an unrequited love tragedy and personifying medicine#listing them here as I delete them because. I want to hold on to them for a few more seconds#4. a stupid long poem that makes it sound like I had a secret relationship but in actuality this is abt how in college-#-my physics lab professor used to abandon us in the lab without giving us instructions so we had to spend hours figuring everything out#honestly im gonna let go of these#they're all from a rough time in my life of studying and feeling like a failure and like I couldn't do anything right#there's no use in revisiting them and feeling bad abt it#delete later
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What if instead of posting abt the random card au characters that are actually from the medias I made the au for I just post more abt the ocs that don't matter at all and that no one cares abt. Anyways currently thinking abt the magic user that started the bond that An is a part of. Little autism creature that goes ehehehehheheeheeheeheeeeheheheheeehee
#rat rambles#random card au#they are a mad scientist basically and did the whole star soul bounding thing for funsies and because their star is a goat#they idolized the hell out of the guy who started the bond that arisa is a part of and saw him as a father figure#they basically spent the entire time he was alive being like hee hoo look at this fucked up slab of flesh I made conscious with magic#and hed be like why the hell would you do that and theyd just giggle for 15 minutes and then walk into the void#they also loved their star very dearly she was a fairly old goat that got bored of being expected to say things that made sense#she just sat in their lab screaming all day and they scream back and this is how theyd communicate all the time#needless to say stinky blond man found this very annoying but also his own star would constantly bark at nothing so he couldn't judge#he mostly recruited them to help with his studies because finding someone with loose enough morals to help him is quite rare#but they proved to be maybe a bit too much for him as they liked to find fun new fucked up ways to create life#he just wanted new ways to commit mass arson lol#he still enjoys their company tho even if he definitely cares way less abt them as they do him#after he dies the goat guy takes it rly bad and basically locks themself in the twos old hideout with the new kid he left behind#they were like 17 at the time tho so they were like doubly not in a state to raise a kid but luckily the two managed to get on better terms#once they were older and the two did more experimenting until they eventually died of unspecified causes rip#guy who giggles evily and guy who cackles evily unite
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out of curiosity, why do you like sturgeons so much?
A chance to info dump about my favorite fish…?!
I grew up in the Great Lakes area of North America, where fishing is pretty popular but everyone knows that fish populations aren’t anything like “the good old days” when people took out huge numbers of fish while messing up their spawning sites. I got pretty into fishing when I found out that I could catch bluegill in the surrounding farm ponds, and once in a while my family took me to an isolated fishing cabin for vacation, but for years I never encountered a wild fish bigger than a kilogram or two.
BUT THEN…
I found out about sturgeon! They were HUGE fish that had once lived in the rivers and lakes all around my home, and better yet, fish almost exactly like modern sturgeon had existed all the way back in the Cretaceous period alongside the dinosaurs, and they STILL EXIST TODAY!!! The fact that small numbers of these huge dinosaur fish still existed made them seem almost like a real-life lake monster/cryptid, except that we had proof of their existence!
Furthermore, there’s just nothing else like them. Sturgeon get big. Like, REALLY big. The record for the largest sturgeon was almost 11 meters/24 feet long, which is colossal for freshwater animals. They have armor plates of bone running down their sides, and at the same time they don’t have bony skeletons. They also have a crazy mouth structure, which allows them to actually pop their jaws out like a tube and suck up food. And on top of all of this, the adults are absolute tanks. I’ve seen skin nearly 8mm thick, and it’s so tough that people make leather out of it, and they occasionally lose fins or even entire gill plates and just keep on swimming! (I found out about that last one when I tried to wrestle a big female out of a river and my hand went straight into her gills. She didn’t seem that bothered by it!)
For a long time I filed sturgeon along with Alligator Gar, Giant Mekong catfish, and Yangtze paddlefish as a semi-legendary fish that may still exist, but I was never going to see except possibly in an aquarium, until I enrolled in graduate school. For those unfamiliar with grad school in the US, it typically involves both high-level classes as well as an independent research project the student designs and carries out with help from an experienced professor. When my mentor asked what kind of thing I wanted to study, I tossed out “sturgeon” as one such possibility, expecting to hear that I would probably have to limit myself to more common/accessible species.
I was blown away when she said “Actually, I think I know a guy…”
For the next several years, I got to ride along collecting wild adult sturgeon, gathering eggs, and raising the baby fish in a lab and in a hatchery. I was holding something that I had thought of as a semi-mythical lake/river monster in my own hands! I got to see a river choked with giants as big as 2 meters long, and I got to hold a 5-centimeters mottled baby whose armored scutes were still sharp and possessed the little arrowhead shape and big black pectoral fins that remind me of Mickey Mouse ears! In the video below you can even see a little heartbeat! (Don’t worry, this little guy was returned to the tank soon after to recover from his anesthesia!)
Sadly, I didn’t find anything super groundbreaking in my research, but my experience DID land me a job working in sturgeon aquaculture! If you’ve ever had caviar that wasn’t poached, it probably came from a sturgeon farm, and if you want to see a lot of big fish up close, this is a good place to do it! I probably personally handled more individual sturgeon than there are wild fish in several sturgeon species. In addition, while the wild broodstock I mentioned above might reach 2 meters and over 50kg, the sturgeon I dealt with at the farm would easily double that, and there were a LOT of them! I got to see sturgeon behavior that had never been recorded in field guides, and even a few crazy one-in-a-million mutations like the infamous “ghost” sturgeon!
I even got the opportunity to cook my own sturgeon meat (Yeah, I basically turned into the Touden siblings from Dungeon Meshi except for sturgeon instead of RPG monsters). I got pretty good at making smoked sturgeon, but the meat is also good on the grill or baked, and people have been cooking them in various ways for centuries.
My favorite part of the job was physically wrestling the big fish! Sturgeon are easier to grab than other fish with the right know-how, but a human-sized fish often has its own plans for the day and won’t always cooperate. I was pretty good at moving the adults by the time I left that job, but it was still a wild rodeo every time!
Even more exciting was how we spawned each new generation of sturgeon. In the wild, they form massive spawning runs in big rivers that in the past would be enough to tip small boats, but in a lab or farm we have to use other means. I’ll spare you the details, but I am one of a small number of people who have surgically extracted eggs from a live sturgeon and sutured them back up to swim another day.
The tldr of this essay is that sturgeon are a big, crazy-unique fish that have been around a long time, and I’ve spent a lot of my career handling and working with them. There’s just nothing like them for a fish nerd and they’re damn cool!
(Clip art not mine, I think @sturgeonposting drew or shared it!)
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Reblogging this again i cannot stop starring at it. They make me want to eat bricks with cement as condiment
the girls (New)
#almost 3 years and i still get a gut visceral reaction everytime i see them this is actual madness#tarsier studios will hear from me and you too op#how did they make a duo of antagonist that is toxic old wo-men yaoyuri#i need to make a term up for them specifically because what in the fucking world#gonna call whatever tf this archetype is the haunted shitheads because they haunt each others narrative and they suck at a personal level#yes they have never met on screen. yes they are viscerally present in each others narrstive in a way that cannot be ignored once you see it#im gonna unhing my jaw like a boa constrictor and eat them until only bones remain#to all my followers who are reading this this is nothing you but op i hope you know the damage you've caused me mentally#i will never reocver from this. are you happy.#/pos#the inherent gay air present in whatever tf they have going on has to be scientifically studied in a lab#THIS INSPIRED ME SO MUCH THAT I STARTED WRITING RANDOMLY#if i end up posting on my ao3 in the next week it will be your fault and i will come find you OP#let it be known that on the 20th of november 2023 carols officially lost her shit and all her composure#this might be my fave fanart of them im not even joking this is so good#i want to print it out and force my entire family to watch it for 63 uninterrupted hours#the real little nightmares lore is actually just this single post from tumblr user silusvesuius#i ran out of braincells my fingers are just typing on their own this is how much you've done to me#ngh#tomorroq morning i will not rmemember this but i will still mean it i promise you#my heart beats for this post. i lived my entire life to witness these three drawings on a sunday night#i love this. i love you. i love being alive#thank you
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Lizard brain (Day 4/8 of 10k followers event)
Lizard-man x fem!reader || dub-con (heavy), hemi-peens, double penetration, (light) choking, (accidental) exhibitionism
You found yourself trapped between a flat rock and a big lizard-man. And all because all your questionable choices and love for non-human specimens.
You were warned not to get too close to the specimens, you were warned more than once. But you didn’t listen. Because, above all, you were a little bit stupid when the situation implied monsters. A little bit more than stupid if you asked any of the other workers at the facility. Specially the big lizard-people monsters at the lab you researched.
His big body was surrounding you, hot and big and scary. You knew he was sentient but also didn’t know how much he knew about you. The specimens interacted between them, but never with the humans. You all made sure they didn’t. You made sure it was all about studying them in their (recreated) natural habitat. But he kept smelling you and making a sound similar to purring.
You felt the heat of his breathing against your back, his hot breath over your lab coat as he inspected you, more intrigued than dangerous, but that didn’t make you less nervous. The spike of fear inside of you made him growl, a low sound that made your adrenaline run high and your heartbeat skyrocket. You realized he could not only hear every intake of breath you took, but also he could smell every tiny change in your mood. That meant he probably could smell the start of arousal pooling down in your lower abdomen.
“Can- Can you understand me?” You asked, confused about his reaction to your presence. You knew he was intelligent, but not really how much he could comprehend.
To your shook, he answered. “Yesssss.” The long sound of his forked tongue against your ear made you shiver.
“Are you going to release me?” You asked, a hint of amusement in your voice.
He chuckled in that serpent-like manner that made butterflies flutter inside your stomach. “No,” was his short answer.
“Why not?” You asked, involuntarily pushing back against his exploring hands. You were conflicted about it, but your body had no doubt that you wanted everything and anything he offered you.
“Mate,” he growled. You whined at the sound, so hot. Your heartbeat was loud in your ears as he groped your body. Some part of your brain registered the word he just said, but you couldn’t process it as he rubbed your hips, your tummy...
“I’m not lizard,” you tried to say, but he wasn’t worried about that.
He started taking your clothes off and you didn’t fight him, your mind occupied thinking about all the stuff that just discovered. He could talk. You were his mate. He was probably going to fuck you against that rock… And you were fine about it. You were more than fine, you were anticipating whatever he was going to do. Craving it. The fear was easily replaced with arousal as he touched your body.
“I can ssssssmell your arousal, your wetnessssss… Mate,” he growled. His claws massaging your breasts over and over, the scales felt amazing against your hard nipples. “Mine. Claim.” He pushed your body against the rock more insistently, and you felt his hardness against your lower back. He pushed you over the rock, positioning your ass and pussy in the perfect position for him to rub against your heated center.
And that’s how you found yourself trapped between a flat rock and a big lizard-man. His hemipenis rubbing against your ass as he grinded his hips against you. It was exhilarating and maddening all the same. Your brain was swimming between the need to be fucked and the confusion of him talking. Of him wanting you. Of being… his mate. You knew it was rare for them to find a mate, and now humans could also be mates? Made no sense but at the same time… You weren’t complaining. His big body against your back was a reminder of how much you thought about it, how much you always desired to know if it was even possible… And apparently it was.
But then you remembered. You remembered the mating videos of the lizard-people. You remembered he had hemipenis and not only that, but the lower one was huge. It was too big, there was no way…
Your thoughts were lost when you felt something drip into your pussy as he pressed against your entrance. “What? What is that?” It was like a cool balm against your heated center.
“Ssssssh, little mate, it will fit. My seed will make it fit.” As he said that you felt your muscles relaxing, his precum like a balm against your stretching muscles as he pushed inside little by little.
Your mind was running a thousand times per minute. “How is that possible?” You asked in a broken moan as he pressed a bit further.
“I’ve adapted to your needs. I will make it good for you.” His words made no sense to you, as a researcher you had a thousand other questions, but as a participant… You couldn’t focus on any thought apart from his lower dick entering you. “Such a good pussssssssy,” the rolled S only made you get wetter, something about it, about his otherness making you hotter and hotter. You were almost dripping, and his magical precum was only adding to it, making you relaxed and pliant as he slowly entered you.
When he was fully inside, he started to breathe hard over your head, you could hear his tail thrashing behind him. His claws were grabbing your hips almost painfully, but it was so good. The soft scales of his dick were making it hard for you to think as he pulled back and in in a short thrust. It was insanely good, better than any human, better than any toy.
“Are you ready, mate? Are you going to be a good little mate?” He asked as you nodded frantically. His big hand found your neck and he pushed you back, arching your back and starting fucking into you. You screamed, but the hand around your throat constricted in the exact moment, making your head dizzy. He was choking you, and you were enjoying it. A part of your brain wanted to fight the pleasure, but it was rapidly shut down by the immense pleasure he was giving you.
He fucked you like a piston, his dick hitting deep inside and making you lose your mind over and over. His smaller dick was pressing against your asshole insistently, and he wasn’t doing anything about it, but with every thrust inside your pussy, it hit your rim and made you shiver. You wanted it. You wanted it inside of you.
“Mo- More,” you told him as he thrusted deep once again.
He made a confused sound, and you reached behind you to guide his small cock to your asshole. His precum started doing it’s thing and you felt it loosen as you cried out. He growled deep behind you, stopping his movements and making you whimper.
He grunted when his tip slipped inside without any effort. “Are you sure?” He asked, his voice tender and worried.
“Yes. Yes. Yes,” you chanted, more than ready to be claimed in every way possible.
“My perfect mate…” He whispered as he thrusted both dicks inside at the same time.
You screamed and your eyes rolled back into your head, the pleasure so high and so intense you didn’t know if you wanted him to continue or to stop all together. The overwhelming sensation made you lose track of time and space, you were floating into oblivion. It was the best experience of your life and the pleasure felt like it was going to break you into a million pieces.
The combination of both dicks plus his hand against your neck was too much, too hard, too fast. You broke down into the most intense orgasm you’ve ever felt, and the contractions of your muscles pulled him along with you. You felt him filling your holes over and over, twitching intensely as he came.
When he pulled out, you felt your holes twitching at the same time a mechanical voice said from the speakers: “You did well, researcher, very interesting data was recorded.”
Shit, you forgot there were people watching and probably saw you get fucked within an inch of your life. All your coworkers just watched you getting double creampied by a giant lizard-man. Great.
Part 2 here.
#lizard man#lizard man x reader#lizard man x you#fem!reader#monsters#monster fucker#monster#monster imagine#monster x human#teratophillia#monster x reader#terato#monster boyfriend#monster fuqqer#monster kink#monster love#monster lover#monster romance#monster smut#monster x you#monsterfucker#monsterfucking nsft
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Damian had never seen another person his age before.
“Wow, you're good at that.”
Damian froze in his practice and looked over at the boy. It was after his lesson, his instructor had other students to teach, and Damian had his own private training area. Well, it was supposed to be private. “Who are you?”
“Danny, what's your name?”
Damian glared at the boy. Who doesn't know who he is? “I am Damian Al-Ghoul, grandson of the Demon's Head, son of the Bat, heir to the League of Assassins.”
“Wow, that's a lot... Can I just call you Damian?”
“Servants call me Master. How did you get here?”
Danny shrugged, “I was just looking around.”
“Just looking around...”
“Yeah, my parents are in the science lab down in the bottom basement with the weird lake and I was helping them, but then I got board and Jazz said I wasn't allowed to leave the lab, but when I asked Dad, he said I could do what I want as long as I don't get in trouble.”
“Oh, the idiot scientists.” Damian remembered how his mother had described the new scientists hired to study the Lazarus Pools. A pair of geniuses when it came to the scientific study of magic but idiots in all other fields. Surely only idiots would bring their children to live with the League of Assassins.
“What do you mean? If you're a scientist you can't be an idiot?”
Damian huffed at the boy. “You can be smart at one thing and dumb at others. Like you could be good at reading but bad at numbers.”
“Oh, I guess that makes sense. But I'm pretty good at reading and numbers.” Danny then smiled brightly, “It looks like you're really good at swording though.”
“It's called swordplay. And yes, I am good at it. Better at it at my age than many who are older.”
“Can you show me how to do it?”
Damian contemplated for a moment, “As long as you don't get in the way of my practice, I don't see why not.”
Danny cheered as he ran up to where Damian was standing, but Damian pointed to the side of the training area, “There should be a spare sword over there you can use.”
Danny nodded and ran to get it then ran back.
Damian wasn't sure if he'd like showing Danny how to use a sword, but he liked how Danny followed all his instructions. It was different than how the servants followed his orders, but Damian couldn't place why. It became common place, for Danny to show up after Damian's lessons and Damian would show him what he'd learned. It actually made learning new things easier because Damian had to figure out how exactly something worked in order to show Danny how to do it. Not only that, but when they practiced the moves on each other, Danny would change them and make it harder to beat him. Damian did win every time, but Danny wasn't half bad.
#I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing with this#there's no plan#please help#dpxdc#danny fenton#damian wayne#childhood friends au#fic prompt#dp x dc crossover#dp x dc prompt
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