#i just want to leave. i dont want to do this shit anymore
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(keep in mind this post is not planned out and i am largely speaking from my thoughts)
i know people like to clown on white cishet men who explain that they're right-wing because they were told they were inherently evil or cruel or only capable of destruction or manipulation by everyone around them, and people mostly interpret that as "i learned white people did bad stuff in the past and this made me hate the WOKE left" when the truth is genuinely so much more harrowing.
being told you're inherently, irredeemably evil for reasons you didn't pick and can't change by the people around you that otherwise claim to champion "justice" and "humanity" for practically your entire life is genuinely traumatizing. being treated like an irredeemable boogeyman by people who don't even know you simply for how you were born is traumatizing. it doesn't matter if you have some sort of societal advantage or safety net. pain and trauma is subjective and shaped by perspective and experience, and i can guarantee that that this sort of experience hurts and it hurts bad.
like. i know there are lots of queer people who are former right-wingers, and i am willing to bet that a lot of them were right-wingers because until they realized they were queer, they were actively barred from even looking into queer spaces and demonized until they wanted nothing to do with it at all. and then they, like any normal person would do, simply joined up with people that accepted them. and then they changed, and those friends weren't so accepting anymore, and then suddenly the old community that scorned them for was accepting them with open arms.
and the reason why i know this pain so clearly is because. well. I'VE been dehumanized for things i can't control my entire life! I KNOW what that shit is like and it's horrific! I don't care if it's satisfying to give "them" "a taste of their own medicine", stop giving that pain to people! You're only making things worse!
i dont know how to say this but even if your dehumanization isn't systemically supported it can and will still traumatize people and fuck up their sense of self and there are people who absolutely will pounce on that opportunity that you have created and you will have no control over who those people are.
i dunno how to close this but i guess the message i want you, the audience, to take away from this is to stop generalizing people as evil just because of their body or blood. you don't know these people. you don't know their lives. their stories. you don't know their values, and you cannot make that judgement based on appearance alone.
i get that you're scared. i get that we're all scared. but i swear to god, you cannot fucking do this to anyone. from a humanist stance, it's unethical to prematurely judge someone as an enemy for something they cannot change about themselves, like their lineage or face. from a pragmatic stance, you are ensuring an enemy that could have otherwise become an ally. but by all means, leave that white boy alone.
i dunno if this is controversial but im gonna say this as a brown trans woman. i think now is absolutely 100% not the time (not like it ever WAS the time but ESPECIALLY not now) to be generalizing men (especially white cishet men) as inherently evil or right-wing and isolating all of them on principle. i cannot possibly further emphasize how vulnerable all of us are and i understand that when people are scared we will naturally want to shift into us vs. them to try and keep ourselves protected. but in so many ways that mentality only enforces a shallow illusion of safety and all it ultimately does is push out people who otherwise would have gladly stood by you because you were too afraid of them to treat them with respect
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So fucking sick of living here oh my god
#how is it my fault that she doesnt read the fucking text i sent with all the info on it !!! how is that on me#im sorry YOU took the day off work to see a play im in because YOU didnt read the message i sent YESTERDAY that had our performance time on#it. youre right thats my bad i should have just fucking. inserted that information into your brain. jesus fucking christ#fuck it if shes going to be a bitch i dont even want her to come. i fucking knew some shit like this would happen because it ALWAYS happens#its always MY fault when she doesnt actually read shit or listen to me. every. fucking. time. im so sick of it#i just want to leave. i dont want to do this shit anymore#come or dont whatever. its not like she woukd have paid any attention anyways#fuck.#shed probably just find something to complain about anyways. like she always fucking does#you know for a woman who claims to have learned 'what not to do' from her mother she sure is a hell of a lot like her#but i dont get to point that out because then IM the bad guy#fuck. just fuck man.#robi rambles#vaguing about my mom again sorry everyone#ask to tag#delete later
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ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode
#crow.txt#the absolute levels of stress im under could create diamonds out of free floating carbon atoms my fucking god#can i have. Literally just one day of peace. just one!! fuck!!!!#at least now i have SOME validation from everyone else of shit that mom has honestly kinda always done#be absolutely furious and bitchy usually for no good goddamn reason and then immediately turn it off to look good in front of someone else#i had a feeling mom coming home was gonna be utterly miserable sooner rather than later#i literally cannot leave my room without her yelling for dad bc she thinks im him i guess. she has gotten him up like 4 times now#what the fuck do you want any of us to doooooooooooo. according to dad shes also just been really fucking hateful today#including to her SISTER who has been facilitating literally everything medically for her for the last month plus#like on one hand i know its hard and frustrating etc etc absolutely. on the other. what the fuck are you yelling at any of us for!#whatd we do! not a damn thing for the most part! holy shit im exhausted#and then im sure she will have the audacity to wonder why i dont really want to interact with her much rn#its very apparent she doesnt really understand whats going on or how much of anything works at this point including hospice care#but i truly cannot help you when your knee jerk response is to yell and be abusive. like. dads not been great either#bc hes also one to bitch and moan and yell abt shit. but like. so is mom. more than usual#and ill actually be damned if i let her treat me like that honestly ever again. like idk for once i can just#walk away from this behavior with zero consequences. i dont have to take it anymore. im not free but at least im fuckin closer than i was#guess my aunt wasnt kidding when she said her being coherent and rational last week might be the calm before the storm
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sometimes I wish this site had a mute option
#litchi.txt#theres a lot of people I follow who talk a lot about the recent situations and I dont wanna break the moot or god forbid block people but.#its stuff I do not want to be involved in at all and its taking up 50% of my dash#and as someone who is largely multifandom this past year and something I wanna stay on tumblr to see the stuff from other fandoms#and also I dont want to unfollow people from em see why tee because I still love yall but one of the main reasons why Im not really active#in this community anymore is that Im just really fucking tired of the discourse and scrutiny and just overall bad stuff and shit behaviour#Im not about to go around and tell people to oh please tag all this stuff#because first and foremost the tumblr filtering is shit#my entire dash would just be Word You Filtered#but I really want to just mute a couple people for a couple days. maybe until the end of the month#all while engaging with like peeps who post primarily about the smp or about my other fandoms#(or mute people in certain tags like call me selfish but I enjoy when they engage on my posts but their posts in the main tags annoy me)#anyways sorry for this one#my dash is slowly turning into the kinda stuff that made me leave my previous fandoms and Id really hate to leave this fandom#with a sour aftertaste as I go
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i think the most we will get is PC release (if that) this year but that means we gotta deal with those trolls bc changing angrb0da’s skin color is such a big deal to these mfs and i still dont understand that sweet baby inc shit bcuz all the information im seeing is just bundled bullshit LMFAOOO i feel like her actual character gets overshadowed by the made up problems and no one actually talks abt HER as a character or even analyses her fr (outside of here ofc) lol sms abt to make a banger with her and atreus istg
#Truth be told i dont even wanna talk abt this anymore but this topic gets brought up pretty much every week atp#How weird is it that u would only accept her if she were white#Thats literally you admitting you like her character but her being black is a deal breaker#I feel like no matter how much they want her to be a white girl changing her skin wouldnt change their opinion abt her#Theres this one (big) acct in particular thats constantly shitting on rag and its like bro u need to just leave if ur not happy#or take a long ass break and come back at times and then leave again cuz hes just miserable as fuck and yall know exactly who im talking ab#I do see more people getting annoyed with this topic and i dont blame them#its getting super out of hand and dragged out atp#Once again i do not want ppl to like her out of PITY. she deserves a very honest group of fans and if those fans are ppl#That disliked her at first but started to like her later on thats fine as long as its out of being genuine#I cannot wait for her to gain more fans fr but i have to be careful what i wish for bcuz i dont want ppl to become too crazy lol#I might just post smth on that god forsaken reddit as an appreciation post of her or smth idk yet LMFAOOO#I for sure will have to be more brave and visible with my love for her one of these days#also very grateful for that one ragnarok vp. he loves angie for sure#Anyways#Love angie for life#Gow#god of war ragnarok#rant
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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I have so many thoughts about q!Forever somehow managing to capture and chain the paranoid, incredibly-skilled q!Phil, and yet by the time Chayanne and everyone else find him he is a traumatized, possibly scarred shadow of who he once was. Them and him wondering if anything will go back to how it was before, or at least to the level of feeling sometimes completely relaxed and wholeheartedly happy again... The hurt/comfort, whump, and ptsd possibilities I can feel emanating from this au/divergence is huge and I must thank you for providing some content for it.
literally just getting caught in the first place would destroy him its wonderful
Phil is very strong, very skilled, very good at getting out of trouble, but that means nothing when he's chained up in this yandere's basement
And nobody came to help
After everything he's done for them, not a single person will listen, nobody tries to help, nobody does anything
And by the time they do, its already far too late and theyre never going to get Phil to be the way he was before
#qsmp#qsmp philza#qsmp forever#They try to help but phil doesnt want to see them bc hes been completely betrayed and abandoned by all of them#ESPECIALLY MISSA AND FIT#Fit in the story ive made gets very angry at phil multiple times#And missa feels awful after bc he just assumed phil would leave him and their son like that#And wilbur#Wilbur literally beats the shit out of him bc he gives lulah to q#The guilt these mfs will feel after <3#Also also Ive said it before but this all makes it very easy for Forever to bring Phil back to him#Take advantage of his distrust and insecurity#“they dont love you anymore but i do come home”#Forever my love au
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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people really love to conveniently forget trans men exist when they talk about feminism. or if they dont they make us out as also part of the problem as if we somehow are able to have the same amount of privilege as cis men. absolutely wild
#“not all men” is a valid statement because its fucking true#like guys. seriously. not every single man is evil#feminism isnt about putting men down its about raising women up to be equal and getting rid of gender inequality#sorry im seeing a massive uptick in people hating on trans men for being men lately and its fucking stupid#like yall are doing a great job at making me feel ashamed to be a man who likes men. awesome thanks guys#i dont normally make posts like this but its been rattling around in my mind for a few days now#its always put out like. all men (trans or not) are Inherently Evil and all women (trans or not) are Inherently Victims#which is absolutely the stupidest shit ive ever seen#and they also leave out anyone who doesnt fit into the man/woman dichotomy. and if they dont its always seen as woman lite#which is also stupid as fuck#not every nb/agender/other person is feminine asshole#anways. case in point. can we stop demonizing masculinity while also discussing the effects of misogyny and the patriarchy please.#because both of those things are very real and very much do hurt people#but im sick of people lashing out at trans men as if the problem magically doesn't affect us anymore because we are men#because guess what! newsflash! it affects trans AND cis men too!!#i shouldnt have to explain it should be obvious but like. im tired man#sorry ill forever be annoyed at women who just hate every single man who dares breathe in their direction because they COULD be an asshole#if you hate someone because of their gender no matter what gender it is i Do Not Trust You#anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk. replies are off cause i dont want to argue with people i just want to express my opinion
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this white woman is threatening to call the police on me after she fucking sprayed bathroom cleaner in my fucking face and lashed out and told her to fuck off
#i know she wont call the police because wtf are they gonna do? im not at home in literally going to class#and i wont get home until the evening but the fact that she's threatening me because she wanted me#to lash out is so evil im manifesting her death idgaf anymore!!!#incase ppl are wondering she was outside spraying the door for a hour and im like im not walking past her#incase she says i did something to her. but then im like nah im gonna be late if i dont leave now#incase she says i did something to her. so i close the door but because she has the front door open my door slams#so she screams 'dont slam the door' and im like it only slammed because of the wind#and then im waiting for her to move and she won't so i just tell her i need to get past and she's like fuck off you piece of shit#and i just get riled up like don't fucking talk to me all i did was tell you i need to get past but you called me names#so im gonna do it back cause im not letting that slide. and she fucking sprays the cleaner at me#and then when im like what the fuck is your problem shes like i can get you arrested for being violent#and im like.... call them cause i haven't touched you 🤷🏾♀️ shes been dying to say that to me i know it#that low life penny smelling pile of white flesh will get whats coming to her i say she drop dead soon!#the reason why she was claiming i was being violent was because i kicked the air as a reflex response....#i didnt kick her. i kicked the air but shes going to run with that
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I might have OCD actually
#idk i can't tell if its ocd or paranoia#but all my life these “share this text to 10 contacts or your mum will die” always made me unreasonably panicked#and more and more because of posts like “donate now or you are a horrible person” make me deeply unwell#i feel so selfish because i know it's not their fault#im not blaming palestinians reaching out for help more like the people who share the posts and then guilt trip everyone#and i really dont wanna block the tags because it'll make me feel even worse and i still want to be informed#i have so many asks pilling up but idk what to do because I'm useless i can't help in anyway i dont have any reach and no money in my name#and i dont wanna close asks because i do enjoy ask games#but also idk what to do#because when i reply its so hard i feel miserable because i can't help but as soon as i reply i get 20 new ones and it's incredibly overwhel#overwhelming#but when i dont answer my brain is screaming at me “if you dont reply your while family will die in a car crash”#and it's a simple mental image to think of the more asks i answer the more i get the more my brain tells me awful things#I'm sorry to any mutual i may have unfollowed because they shared so many guilt tripping posts i genuinely can't do it anymore#and i feel terrible#and I don't wanna leave Tumblr because it's my only social platform left lmao and thevother ones are all awful its the inly one i like#I'm just not in the right mental state to constantly see “donate or you dont deserve to live even if youre poor” kinda posts#it's not even triggering its just making my “ocd” worse than it ever was#all day long my brian been telling me “you will die today because you didnt answer the asks!!”#it's genuinely horrible idk what to do and eother way i feel like a piece of shit i feel like i dont have the right to feel this way
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sometimes its like my life is just one big call for help
#please worry about me. please worry about me please worry about me someone worry about me#fuck. fuck#why do i need to apolgize for being a person with thoughts and feelings and shortcomings#why does it feel like i owe the world an apology for being who i am#why does it feel like i need to make up for the fact that im me by giving everything i could ever give#like im sorry its me im giving you im sorry this is all i can give. im sorry that its too much or too little#im sorry its never exactly what is needed im sorry i cant be who even i want to be#i try i try so hard. but its not ever right i just cant. get it quite right#i dont know how to fix it anymore#i dont know how to fix me. i can see everything thats wrong but i dont know how to make it better. please help me make it better.#fuck#im exhausted#i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know#pretend you dont see this or maybe do . i dont know this is embarrassing. but this is my blog anyway so if you dont want to see-#-the most depressing shit ever like my Thoughts then maybe you should leave bc ill always be this pathetic its kind of my thing#ha#fudjdbdjdjdkehd#ok. bye
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ive been even more spaced-out and irritable lately, even for someone in a months-long depressive episode, which is very annoying for interactions bcs I feel like I can't actually hear what people are saying. like I guess that I just can't process it. and I'm really struggling to reply when I know I probably should be giving a response to something.
and being put in any situation which requires my input immediately stresses me out and I reflexively want to turn down, refuse the offer or just say no. because I feel like I'm not able to handle any additional responsibilities or decision-making or even just. thinking.
#personal#its frustrating actively noticing yourself be curt and short and just feeling trapped.#like oh shit oh fuck im supposed to be Being A Person and im doing a Bad Job and i cant just Leave#and what the fuck do you do when this is what every social interaction feels like.#i guess i have decision fatigue but like. Bad Badly. Lots.#it fucking sucks bcs i know further isolating myself is not the answer but i also dont want to be an asshole to ppl#i dont want to subject ppl to my irritability and moping and general glooma#it fucking sucks bcs interactions and peer support were the things i could count on despite my depression#but if im unpleasant for too long then ppl aren't going to like me and aren't going to make the effort anymore
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#OUghh... I've been really sick the past few days like not able to keep food down and had to go to the hospital#to get iv fluids and etc. to stay hydrated lol...#perhaps some sort of stomach virus or something. but still very grrrr for it to happen in the middle of the evil summer of#course#when everything is hot and uncomfortable anyway.. I really wanted to get a sims video and costume pictures finished this week and keep#up writing like 1000 ish words a day for my game. but.. alas... the universe was like... I Think Not#I at least have been able to have some tea and juice and applesauce and like 4 saltine crackers today so#I always think it's funny when you're ill what sort of little things count as successes#like on any normal day eating a few crackers would just be something you don't even give a second thought#to . But when you're really sick it's like .. WOW.. I ate TWO crackers.. amazing.. huzzah... I should get an award certainly#call the press and alert them. I should be in the newspaper headlines for this harrowing feat. etc. lol#I still feel very shaky and weak though.. but am like... hhhhh... when can I work on my projects again...#Also I literaly never leave the house or have contact with anyone so maybe it's not a virus and was more food poisioning or something#since I'm not sure where I'd get a virus even but... regardless... stinky#just complaining since I suppose that is what personal blogs are for lol. I'm a private person in the sense of wanting to proect my identi#ty and like.. I dont want an alexa in my house listening to me all the time and I dont tag my real location on social media or share photos#that could reveal the front of my house or etc. etc. But in all other senses I really don't beleive in holding stuff in. Because it will#just fester. especially when it has to do with other people (like relationship issues or something) but even when its just stuff that only#has to do with you. If something annoys me then I shall let it be openly known. if I'm bothered it will be clear. etc.#Which I guess makes me seem like a Hater And Complainer but I guess I just feel like its better over all to explain and express openly#than to just silently stew and hold everything in and then probably feel worse for it later or something.#Expressing annoyance is kind of like casting the concept off from yourself and releasing it into the wild so that you're not harboring it#anymore. all grievances must be aired eventually. etc. this is a Pro complaining zone lol#If you feel like shit dont hide it. just go 'man I feel like shit'. etc. etc. Cast it off into the universe. be free#ANYWAY... aughhh......... the wizard has fallen ill in his stinky little tower.. pacing the stone floors in tattered robes. hair disheveled#. carefully sipping a single cup of tea over the course of an hour lest drinking too fast upset his fragile stomachs againe..
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head in my hands helpppp my brother didn't even talk to our parents before hauling a bunch of his stuff over here 😭😭😭 texting w my mother now and I think she's pissed and I'm so scared she's going to get mad at ME even though I've been hassling my brother to text the parents since he first phoned me oh my goddd I've been nauseous from anxiety all day 😭😭😭
#she isnt making any sense in her texts fjfkdl i do not understand what she's trying to say to me#i rly dont want to cry today i rly do not want this fbfjdkl#i look forward to this month bc parents leave for a couple weeks and i get to have time to like. let my guard down.#and it usually takes a few days for the hypervigilance part of me to realize the parents are gone#and that we're like. safe. for a bit. but now brother being here is messing that all up fbfjdl#sorry i try so hard to not talk abt abuse and trauma shit here bc its like... i feel like its off-putting to ppl fjdkdl#but christ this is my one time of the year when i get to feel some semblance of safe and comfortable#where i can just. exist. and not have intense fear running in the bg constantly#like i wake up in the morning and im immediately on guard#and i dont even notice that happens until a week after parents leave#and suddenly i Don't have that happening anymore. i can just. wake up. and feel okay djfkdl#like this life situation is. so bad. it is genuinely nearly unbearable fjfkdl honestly it Does get unbearable sometimes#so this is just. fucking me up so bad. anyways!!! oh well !!!! it is what it is (but i do not like the way it is fjfkdl)#i just need to keep my head down and not think about it fjfkdl i will simply focus on art stuff and Not Think sbfjfkl#as long as mother does not get angry w me then i can deal w it. well. even if she does get angry I'll have to deal w it fjdkdl#it is what it is 😭😭#vent //#abuse cw#dandy.cmd
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So I'm an area director at a summer camp, but yesterday my boss called me and asked if I'd be down to be the director of two areas and I said yes without thinking about the consequences. So now I'm the director of two areas? That means two groups of staff to train and lead, two sets of lesson plans, two areas to teach at and make the schedule for and make the lesson plans for, two physical areas to set up. They're right next to each other, but this is going to be fucking insane
#the reason this is happening is because we dont have a dining hall director anymore because the first decided to take summer classes#and the second got a research position. so the director of the area that my area is right next to. volunteered to switch#so the camp director called me yesterday and was like 'this is all happening would you want to take on another area?'#so i would be director of both. with kind of a concentration in the new one. while my assistant director concentrates on the first one#but id still have to lead both staffs. teach at both. be available to both. do records for both. set up both#i start thinking about it and i always realize another thing thats gonna be weird about it#but on the bright side ive decided i cant do the 5 mile hike requirement for my old area#every thursday we do a five mile hike for our class because its for requirements. and i hate it cuz its hard lol#but i realized that it wouldnt really work out for me to be across the lake with one area and leave the other area directorless#so guess i cant do that! oh nooo /s#but i have to make two teaching schedules.whoch i started last night#i have to both teach a suitable amount in both areas but also have enough free time to be flexible and available for both#i am so tired already. and i just got this news yesterday#i was up until 5am because i was planning shit and then i layed awake anxious for another hour#also i watched the disruptors which admittedly got me to stay up pretty late too. the grant obrien and ally Beardsley movie#its very good. but mostly i stayed up late because i was trying to figure out being the director of two areas#i think about it for two seconds and i realize another reason itll be super hard. i have to introduce two staffs at the campfire#i have to talk about two areas at the leaders meeting. i have to learn a whole bundle of new merit badges#im so tired
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