#i just want to curl up into a ball and scream

[gamarancianne]

Azriel x reader - In Between, part IV

Summary: waking up, you realise Lucien was completely right: the man sleeping beside you is an abuser. But how will you escape him and why does this shadow seem to be belonging with you ?

Warning: angst, lots of angst, mention of SA attempt, fight, mention of blood, kinda fluff if you squint, so much sweet Azzy you could die, but also threatening scary Azzy, nightmares, not proofread sorry, my English of course.

Note: again I wholeheartedly apologise for the late posting. I’m so so so happy to get back !!! Here I met 4 there surely will be a part 5 and maybe a part 6 or an epilogue. But for this one, I’m not really sure I like about how it turned out. Let me know in the comments I love when you have something to say ! Just remember to be nice and polite please ! 🙏🏻 love you all ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Part I, part II, part III

The morning came quickly. Too quick for your liking. The second you opened your eyes, Aaron’s mouth was on you. You tried to push him back but seeing his face you understood that you were in a very bad position : his eyes were full of lust and hunger and they didn’t seem to have anything stopping them.

Panic flooded in your veins and grabbing the sheets to have something covering you, you ran away from your bedroom. He followed you closely, screaming, and yelling that you were such an ungrateful slut, whom he had been too nice to wait for and that if you wanted it or not, he would take you anyway.

Fear had paralysed you and he caught you quickly before pining you roughly to the wall. His hands were on every inch of your skin. It felt disgusting, his mouth leaving saliva behind on the column of your neck, on your collarbone, your chest.

His hands were now dangerously closed to your core, and in a last moment of desperation you kicked him in the balls, pushed him off and ran in your bathroom.

Closing the door, he was already banging against it, screaming like a mad man. He was so strong that the door almost gave in twice. Fear had gripped you and you curled yourself in the corner of your bathtub, crying desperately for a different ending of your life than this.

You didn’t want it to end now : you hadn’t met your mate, your friendship with lucien was on thin ice because of you and you haven’t even apologised. You regretted lots and lots of moments in your possibly missed life : you regretted not being able to see Nyx grow up, to continue your friendship with Feyre and last but not least you regretted not having kissed those beautiful lips that belonged to Azriel… Lucien was so right about you. How could he know you so much when you sign even yourself ? Of course you didn’t want this psycho of male threatening to abuse you, as he exactly said the other day, you still weren’t over Azriel. You still wanted Azriel, you needed him with every bit of your body and soul. They aches for the beautiful male. And now it was too late. The mere thought made you crying even more that you didn’t sense the comforting and cold presence caressing your skin.

Not even minutes later the shoutings suddenly stopped and they transformed into pain, even agony screams.

Big steps were heard behind your door and you didn’t even want to know who they belonged to : you had already accepted your fate. So you closed your eyes and waited for death to come like an old friend. But it never arrived, darkness and emptiness never found you. Strong arms wrapped around your shivering frame with care and attention, and your eyes bursted open when you sensed the familiar feeling of burn scars on your bare skin. Hazel sought for your eye colour with so much more worry than you could ever imagine. His mesmerising and deep eyes went down on your chest and shot up immediately with some light pink crawling under them : the sheet had managed to slide off your shoulder and it didn’t cover you enough anymore. Ashamed you quickly out your hands to cover yourself a bit and draped the fabric better on your skin.

As Azriel walked out of your bathroom, you saw Aaron, hurt and unconscious lying on the floor of your apartment. He was in a bad state : blood coated his bruising face and you caught sight of two teeth or three inches away.

No words came out from Azriel’s mouth as he took off for the House of Winds and when he arrived. Even when Cassian and Rhysand came to him completely confused and panicked at your appearance. But he seemed to throw some orders at Rhys in his mind and definitely sent a warning glare to the long-haired man newt to him.

He brought to a room, a big dark one but still full of light. You were delicately put on a silky enormous mattress and given a fresh glass of water. Still no one spoke a word and you didn’t even register when you started to fall in Morpheus arms.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Sweat covered your body and a deep frown adorned your face when Azriel came back in his room to check on you. You were moving and kicking in your sleep letting fearful pleas and whines out of your presses mouth. Azriel ran to you trying to wake you up. He knew better than to let you in the horrible trap that can be your own fears all grouped in nightmares.

Tears stained your cheeks as your body went still and as your worst scenario faded away to leave room to the reality happening before you. Azriel was watching you closely, his hand caressing your still trembling frame and his voice shushing you. The sobs couldn’t stop and you wrapped tightly your arms around his broad shoulders. Azriel never stopped your embrace and whispered :

“I’m here now, everything’s fine. You’re not in danger anymore, you are here with me and everything will be alright”

Rocking back and forth you calmed down a bit before responding.

“I thought.. I thought I was going to- to…

-I know. But nothing will happen now, he will never be able to even lay a finger on you.”

With a shaky and raspy from all the crying, voice, you asked :

“You promise ? You’re sure ?

-I am and I promise.”

A strange tingling behind your ear and behind his as well marked your promise now forever engraved on your skins.

Since it was the middle of the night, you rapidly fell asleep again, in the comfort and security of Azriel’s arms. He tried not to sleep, but ended up doing so with the exhaustion from the panic and fear he had felt deep in his bones for hours today. You probably wouldn’t even realise, but he had been so scared for you when the shadow came to warn him about what was happening to you. He had run and flown the fastest he could to come find you, knocking off some furniture in his trail. He couldn’t possibly imagine another man laying forcefully his hands on you without your consent : no that was not going to happen, never, not when he was still breathing and his heart still beating.

Sound asleep, you were woken up by the sounds of dishes in the kitchen. What had happened last night slams back into you full force : Aaron and his attempt to … no you didn’t want nor need to think about it. You observed your environment, the dark room of Azriel, minimalist like him : a bed, a closet and some armoires but not much more. Except a mirror, a big mirror, standing in front of the enormous bed you were in. Your mind started to wander to the use of the said mirror just in front of a king-size bed costumed to big Illyrian wings, full of silky sheets so sweet at the touch…No no no ! You couldn’t go there stop that ! Your cheeks and neck heat up instantly. Shaking your head to make these obnoxious thoughts go away, you made your way outside the room and into the kitchen. There he was, beauty and charm both standing before you, making you both breakfast you assumed. He stiffened and turned to look at you when he sensed you. His hazel eyes trailed down your body to your thighs not covered by anything and quickly tuned back to continue what he was doing. You hadn’t noticed but you were wearing a big and loose tee shirt that arrived to the middle of your thighs and a pair of boxers that were far from belonging to you. ‘Oh shoot!’ Embarrassment ran through your whole body of the situation : how could you have not seen that you were wearing his clothes ? But wait… how did you even get into his clothes ? Last time you remembered you were… oh cauldron boil you ! Your cheeks and hid behind your hand at some search of reassurance.

“I tried not to look if that’s what you’re wondering about.

-Thanks, I guess. For that and the rescue and everything actually.

-It’s okay really. About that, how are you doing, do you want to maybe talk about it or not, it’s up to you. I- I don’t want you to think I’m forcing you into something.

-Don’t worry Azriel, I’m okay, at least I guess I am.”

Silence returned and he placed two plates full of eggs, bacon, pancakes and fruits in them, on the counter, which you were seated to on a stool.

You ate in silence, enjoying a good meal after a whole day being asleep without eating.

“Who was he ? Azriel asked at of nowhere.

-What ?

-Who was he ? And why was he in your apartment ?

-His name is Aaron, I’ve seen him a lot these past few weeks. He slept at mine the night before.

-Like a date ?

-Yes like a date. And no I’m not going to tell you details of our night. But the morning came and just as I woke he was on me and I couldn’t do anything. And by the way, how did you even know I was in danger ?

-One of my shadow stayed with you after babysitting Nyx, despite me trying to get it back, and it came to me to warn me when you were in your bathroom.

-Where is he now ?”

Azriel’s look darkened and he didn’t answer you.

“Az, where is he now ? You repeated your question, articulating each word.

-You don’t want to know. He’s being dealt dont worry if that’s what is your concern.

-Oh..-“

As you were about to continue Cassian, followed quickly by Feyre barged in the kitchen. Feyre was the first hugging you.

“I am so so so sorry you had to live that, and I am so sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”

She had tears in her eyes and still hoped that this was all a bad joke, that it never happened to you. Cassian was a close second to swim you in his arms for a big bear hug.

“Don’t worry, with Rhys and Az we’re examining all the possibilities to make the bastard regret what he’s done to you.

-Thanks to you both.

-Yn, are you alright ? Feyre asked.

-Yeah I am, just feeling a bit empty but I am.”

You smiled at he worried face to prove what you were saying.

“Don’t hesitate to ask any of us, if you need anything.

-Yes I promise, but I don’t need anything for now… Actually, do you know where Lucien is ? And if he-…

-Yes he’s aware, and feeling guilty about it but didn’t want to tell me why. He’s in his room here in the House of Wind because he didn’t to be too far from you in case you needed him.”

You silently thanked her and sent a last thankful look to Azriel as you walked away to find your dear friend.

You don’t even know how much time you spent in front of his door not knowing if you really had the guts to open it. As you put your hand on the doorknob, it opened and a sleep deprived red haired man appeared in front of you, shock adorning his features from seeing you. In a second you were in his arms and booths of you were crying so much that you were soaking each other’s shirt.

“I’m sorry”

You said at the same time.

“No Lu, I am really I am. I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve understood your point of view and should not have treated you the way that I did. You’ve always been so good to me and all I have done is be such a brat to the bestest friend I’ve ever had. I am so so sorry.

-As I am. You are completely forgiven for what you’ve said, even if I can’t say that it didn’t affect me.

-Yes I completely understand and I promis I will make up to you.

-I really am sorry too. I should have stayed and not yelled at you to tell you what I saw. I am sorry about that. I knew this guy was bad. I knew it !

-Yes, you were completely right. Again I apologise.

-Everything is forgotten now. And fortunately because I missed you braiding my hair.”

Cries transformed in laughs and hugs s and kisses from happiness of having finally found again your platonic soulmate.

You spent all day in Lucien’s room telling him about your babysitting week with Nyx and Azriel, about Aaron and what had happened. You avoided the parts where Azriel and you had slept tangled with each other or where you had made a bargain in the middle of the night, curling against him.

You left the House of Wind in the late afternoon with a pained Azriel, whose touch lingered on you a few seconds when he flew you down. The same shadow wrapped around your wrist and another one around your ankle.

You and Lucien has strolled around Velaris for the evening, you had tested out a little pastry shop near the Rainbow and had joked and laughed on the bridge of the Sidra.

You both walked to his flat, a mutual understanding that you didn’t have the strength to go back to yours tonight. Before opening the door, you looked at the night sky, two stars caught your attention, one brighter than the other, that seemed a bit off tonight. Your hand felt drawn to your new tattoo behind your ear and gasped when your fingers made out the pattern now engraved on your skin : two shining stars that seemed orbiting around each others until they reached the other and became one.

“Lu ?

-mmmh yes ?

-I think he’s my mate.”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Taglist:

@mirandasidefics @63angel @leeknows-wife @thehighlordishere @annaaaaa88 @starsinyourseyes @oucereeng @wallacewillow0773638 @kalulakunundrum @lilah-asteria @samuelseoswife

[venomwrites]

I went back and forth on posting this but does work as a stand-alone for a hypothetical missing fight and I have posted all the other ones here. These are all an attempt to get us to the beats of cannon in the same timeframe, but not have it feel rushed.

They can all be found on Ao3: The Cycle

Vi, rightfully, is furious. 

She wakes spitting venom and lashing out. Caitlyn has tried very, very hard not to think about the moment Vi is fully cognizant. She is certain Vi is going to yell at her, probably about Jinx. She’s just not sure which part of it she’s going to yell about. But Vi zeros in and spits about the arrest. And even though Caitlyn has sworn she is not going to rise to the bait, the arrest is the one thing she did not do. Caitlyn has enough of her own sins Vi can yell about. Caitlyn snaps and Vi snarls and then she just—just leaves. Leaving Caitlyn with an ache in her chest and a low in her gut that screams for something more. 

Caitlyn ignores the urge firmly. 

Until she needs something from her room. 

Part of her prays Vi is going to be gone when she gets there. It’s only a matter of time before she flees. Caitlyn knew she would look at her with hatred when she woke up. She knew but it’s like anticipating a stab. The anticipation makes it hurt all the more. She needs to relax into the pain. Breathe into it. She’s had a long time to drink in Vi. To memorize her scars an features, to think on her actions. Vi has been unconscious the entire time. They are on different levels . Again. At one point that was her worst fear when it came to Vi. Now the image of her body washed in antiseptic with machines breathing for her is permanently brand by behind her eyes. It still aches when she opens the door and the room is predictably empty. The only sign anyone was here is the dangling tube Vi ripped out of her arm. 

“Shit—“

But not the bathroom. 

“Shit. Shit--“ the swearing continues, low and angry. Caitlyn hears the toilet paper spin through the door, “fuck.”

“Vi,” she raps on the door, “may I come in?”

“No!” the answer is snarled though the door. 

“No?” Caitlyn repeats, “Vi, the bleeding is not going to stop,” the toilet paper roll stops spinning, “it’s me or my father. Which do you want?”

What is she still doing here?

“Fine!” 

Caitlyn opens the door easily. Vi is standing in front of the toilet closet, ball of toilet paper in her hand. There’s red spotted paper everywhere. Red across Vi’s stomach. Caitlyn has sworn things will go slow, she will give Vi everything she needs. But her heart clenches at the splatter and before she can stop herself she’s in front of Vi, shoving her shirt up to check the bandage. Vi jumps back at the touch like Caitlyn has burned her. All the fears Caitlyn had about being the one to touch her come roaring back as Vi puts several steps between them. Her face is twisted, lip curled. She looks like a snarl made human. 

“Sorry,” Caitlyn says quickly, “I thought—“

“I didn’t tear those!” Vi snarls, “I’m not that useless.”

“I never said that!” Caitlyn shoots back. 

“Your face did!” Her tone pitches in volume, “I guess you were too busy arresting my sister!”

“She surrendered!” Caitlyn screams right back. 

“I bet you just loved that!” Vi continues, ignoring Caitlyn’s very fair point, “how many wet dreams have you had about her surrendering?!” Caitlyn reels with the accusation and something cruel sparks in Vi’s eyes, “So you got your satisfaction because Caitlyn Kiramman always gets what she wants in the end and us Undercity scum are just left following in your wake!” 

Caitlyn screams. 

She can’t help it. t’s like she’s been holding her breath this entire time. Maybe since her mother died. Certainly she’s been holding it while Vi lays and dies, while she brings endless trays to Jinx and tries to sort out the entire mess she’s gotten them into. She’s reshaped the world with her grief, brought them to the brink of war. And somehow that is easier to reconcile than the helplessness of watching Vi lay there. Of hearing the truths from Jinx’s lips. It rips from her chest in one brutal noise that echoes around the bathroom. 

She hasn’t screamed in here since Jinx clawed her fingers around her mouth and cut the sound off. 

This one just echoes around the vast space. Over the blood soaked tissues and the woman in front of her who Caitlyn loves but doesn’t love her back. Who thinks she is horrible and doesn’t know that Caitlyn has been fighting her way back this entire time. That the mere memory of Vi’s love is enough to carry her through. But she cannot say that. She cannot force the apology from her lips so she just howls. 

She grips the lip of the sink afterwards, panting like she’s run for miles. Like they are back on that battlefield and she is dragging Vi away. She is vaguely aware of Vi standing there staring at her. She drags her eyes up to the mirror. Vi’s remain locked on her. Confusion has wiped across the rage. Whatever response she was expecting from Caitlyn, apparently her screaming was not it. Caitlyn tries to collect herself as Vi watches her in confusion. Unsure of what to do. Of course she is unsure, it’s the first time she’s been upright for any stretch of time. Caitlyn does not know how she is standing. The blood loss is not helping matters. 

“I apologize,” she says, collecting herself, “you’re right. May I see your arm?”

Vi thrusts it out wordlessly. Probably to get out of the bathroom as quickly as she possibly can. Caitlyn doesn’t blame her. Vi has angrily ripped out the catheter. Caitlyn’s actions have once again torn at her. Caitlyn guides her elbow over to the sink and opens the medicine cabinet to pull out the hemostatic gauze. Things go almost automatic. She places it on the crook of Vi’s elbow and curls her arm around it. It’s like moving automatically as she undoes the wrist brace with one hand and puts it aside to wipe clean. She wets regular paper and wipes the blood from Vi’s wrist, careful not to get anything else wet. 

Then she remembers Vi is watching her. 

“Sorry—“

“Stop apologizing,” Vi cuts her off, “you—seem better at this,” her eyes narrow, “Ambessa give you time to have hobbies?”

“My father is a doctor,” she reminds Vi. 

“Bullshit, I’ve seen your patch jobs, Cupcake,” she says, “this is new.”

Caitlyn checks the pad, pleased with the progress before she returns he hand to Vi’s elbow to keep it up.  Instead of the smooth, familiar skin of Vi’s elbow, her hand meets Vi’s own. That snaps her back into the present. Vi is awake. She can hold up her own elbow. Caitlyn has just gone on automatic given how many times she has cleaned Vi up. Vi is considering something. Her eyes drag around the bathroom and she peers over Caitlyn’s shoulder. The entire time her elbow remains around the gauze, arm lifted above her heart. Her eyes lock onto Caitlyns.

“You’ve been taking care of me?” 

“Yes,” Caitlyn says, “I’m sorry I know this was an overstep. I wanted to make you as comfortable as possible. You’ve been under the care of doctors. Not my father.” 

“And this?” She says, jerking her head to the bandage. 

“I thought you wouldn’t like a stranger touching you. Or you would like that less than if I did,” Caitlyn says, “we worked together,” she tries to justify, “so I thought I was the better option.” 

Vi looks away. Caitlyn hates that she cannot look at her. All this time she only wanted Vi’s eyes to be open. Now she wishes desperately they could look at her. What right does she have to want anything from Vi? She turns to the wrist brace and focuses on wiping it clean. She can do this at least. While Vi gathers her strength to yell at her like Caitlyn deserves. She dries the brace with one of the cloths by the sink and offers it to Vi. She can ask someone else for help. Then she can come back and yell some more. Caitlyn can at least let her have that. 

Vi offers her wrist instead. 

“Yeah, you’re right,” she says quietly, “I would have hated that.” 

Caitlyn focuses only on Vi’s wrist as she tries to do the brace up without touching her. Vi’s arm wiggles and she immediately flattens her hand along the join, supporting it. Like when Vi was limp. She looks up to see something satisfied on Vi’s face at the contact. Caitlyn feels her own face get hot as she tuns back to the wrist in her hand, easing the brace on it and doing it up. Vi straightens her arm fully and lets Caitlyn wind the gauze the rest of the way around the injury. 

“Why?” Vi blurts out abruptly, catching Caitlyn off guard, “I was unconscious, why did what I want matter?” 

She’ll go to the ends of the earth for the people she loves. 

“What you want always matters,” she says, “I know I haven’t been the best at showing you that lately. For that I am sorry.” 

Vi stares at her in total confusion. Suddenly everything between them seems to fall away. It’s like they are back in the bedroom, Vi in her red jack and her in her purple dress. Vi is staring at her like she has reached into a place she did not even know existed. It sends a warm feeling through Caitlyn’s chest. Surprising someone as brave as Vi, someone who tries to plan for the worst case in every scenario. But still tries anyway. Caitlyn’s never impressed anyone like that, not in a way that means something. Vi doesn’t leave the bathroom when Caitlyn finishes. Instead she joins her next to the sink. They both lean against it silently, but close enough to feel Vi’s warmth. 

“So that scream—

“I don’t know what that was,” Caitlyn starts.

“How long you been holding that in?” Vi asks. 

Caitlyn sighs. 

“Probably since my mother’s funeral,” she admits. 

Vi nods. 

The feel of her thigh next to hers catches Caitlyn off guard. Vi doesn’t look at her, doesn’t acknowledge that she’s moved closer. But something warm curls through her belly. She has spent so long touching Vi in a practical way. A chaste way. Now Vi is not limp, not choiceness. And she chooses to press her thigh to Caitlyns. To stand next to her in the bathroom. Instead of doing what she wants to do and run off to see her sister. Some part of her wants to be here with Caitlyn. 

What will you do if she chooses me?

It’s hard to be loved like that.

“That’s a long time,” Vi says finally. 

Caitlyn nods. Vi opens her mouth and then closes it, blowing out a breath. The question hovering. 

“She’s as fine as I’ve seen her,” Caitlyn says, “I got her to eat every third day at minimum. We talked.”

Vi’s eyes go wide and hungry. 

“You talked?” She says, “with words?”

“Yes,” Caitlyn says. 

Vi looks like she cannot comprehend what is being said. 

“Bullshit,” she says but there’s no anger there, “what did you talk about?”

She loves you.

Do you love her?

Will you still love her?

“How your sister almost blew me up when I ruined your job in Jayce’s lab,” she says instead. 

“Wait, what?!”

Caitlyn inclines her head. Vi’s disbelief mirrors her own. It helps given how annoyed Jinx looked. Apparently she is not the only one who cannot wrap her head around the idea. Surely the pair of them have to be right and Jinx is just—too smart for her own good. Vi turns fully towards her, breaking the contact and staring at her in disbelief. But she knows exactly what she is talking about. Caitlyn can practically see her flipping though her memories, trying to pinpoint the moment. 

“I dropped something from a box.”

A surprised laugh leaves Vi’s lips. A sound Caitlyn wasn’t sure if she would ever hear again. Especially with her speaking. She can see the recognition plain on Vi’s face. Recognition and warmth and something more. Something Caitlyn can’t quite put her finger on. But something she wants to see more of in those alert grey eyes.

“That was you?” She nods, “you scared the crap out of me, Cupcake,” Vi says. 

The nickname cuts through Caitlyn’s core Cupcake. She likes it so much when Vi calls her Cupcake now. She really is turning into such a sap. Caitlyn knows it has nothing to do with the nickname. It has to do with the way Vi’s eyes light when she says it, the way her mouth twists like she’s proud of thinking of it. 

“Then I guess we’re even,” she says. Vi goes silent. Considers her with those sharp grey eyes of hers, “About that an—“

Vi touches her knee. 

“Yeah,” Vi cuts in, “think we’re even.”

She will never, ever be worthy of this love. 

But she will spend the rest of her life trying to be. 

“I need to go take care of some things,” she says getting to her feet. 

Vi watches her with some confusion. Caitlyn hates to break the contact. But she knows her time is running out. Vi trails her out of the bathroom and watches as she goes into the closet and puts a fresh shirt in front of her. Vi is already in her boots. Caitlyn goes to the door. Everything in her wants to stay in that room with Vi gently touching her knee. But this is not about what she wants. She has taken enough. Vi would willingly give her the world without a second thought. Caitlyn refuses to let that happen. 

“I know it may be too soon to speak about the upcoming battle,” she says, “but if you need to find me I will be at the Hexgate with all the guards.”

Vi inhales sharply. 

“When will you be back?” She asks, voice tight. 

“I don’t know,” Caitlyn says. 

She reaches into the bedside drawer and produces a small bottle of white tablets, placing them on the table next to Vi. 

“These should help with the pain if you are moving around too much,” she says.

She walks to the door.

Vi’s eyes are hot on her neck. There is so much Caitlyn wants to say. So much she wants to repeat. She wants to tell Vi everything, make her understand the answer to Jinx's question has always been 'I will love you anyway'. But this is not about her. And Vi has given enough. So Caitlyn gathers up the part of her that wants to beg Vi to please not go far. Or to please come back. Or to please stay, since she just got here. Since Caitlyn loves her more than she knew she could. But right now that is not what Vi needs. She needs what some part of her has always needed. She needs to go get her sister. 

"Don't pull or lift anything heavy," she says instead, "nothing more than opening a door."

Then she opens her own and walks away. 

[anendtopursuit]

damn . internalised ableism got hands

[nyxofdemons]

i'm sorry but stolas bound and powerless and tortured to tears still pushing himself off the ground snarling threats at the man who would dare even mention his daughter. the breathless all-consuming fury that striker would dare to speak a word about her. stolas knows striker is going to kill him and could make it painful beyond imagination and the only thing he cares about in this moment is octavia's safety why the fuck aren't we talking about this scene more

[sunnybunnybabs]

FTFO chapter 40, spoilers

HOW IS EVERYONE DOING ON THIS FINE DAY gonna throw up

From themoment I read the title I

I just knew

I'm so glad Nightmare has been saved n the OT has been repaired!!!

YELLING AND SOBBING WHATTHHEFUCK WAHSSTHATH ENDJINGG

ImgonnaSCREAMandSOBandCRYandTHROWUP I'm shAKING as I type this WHATTHEFUCJ

When I SAID INK WAS GONNA LOSE A LEG FROM THE BOMB THIS WAS NOT WHAT I WAS ENVISIONING WHAT TNE H FCUK

DEATH GRIP ON THE NO MAJOR CHARACTER DEATHS THIS IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME GOING RN WHAYTHE HOLTSHIT

IwANTXGASTEE DEAADDDDD I WANT HI M DEAD AND GONNNNEDEAAAADDDD

[longhands-the-second]

I have a longer post coming but one thing I wanted to point out is the fact that Rem seems to be the only person awake on the ship? And this has been the case for multiple years? Maybe I missed something but that’s egregiously fucked up if that’s expected of her. Did they not consider the effect that kind of isolation would have on the crew???

[lucyvaleheart]

.

[icefire149]

.

[ethan-acfan]

I AM ONE MILD INCONVENIENCE AWAY FROM PURE INSANITY I STG

[ungroomedcat]

I took off work today. I thought it might help my mood but I've only felt guilty. I'm feeling kind of down, not because of work, but a combination of returning there full time, the monotony of it all, my brother ill at home, I read this fic yesterday where the main character's watch got stuck as a symbolism for his life growing stagnant, and it really rubbed that old wound I'd thought I'd healed. I'm thirty one now, I didn't think I would still feel this way. And for a long time, I didn't. This year particularly had been going really well. But tragedy struck and I'm sitting here with an ache in my chest feeling pity for myself. If I could drink, today would have been a good day to.

[lesbiansanemi]

Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day

[writtenin-blood]

The thing about the kiss being spoiled is that it absolutely fucking sucked, we were all mad and got rid of any trace as fast as possible. Yet, most people still had in engrained in their minds and believed it to be a GOOD scene. That Aziracrow had finally kissed, all could be right in the world again but it wasn't.

It was the exact opposite

And I believe KNOWING the kiss was going to happen made it so much fucking worse. We all watched the show on the edge of our seats WAITING for it to happen and it just didn't for almost the entire season. We were scared, we knew it was real, so it must be at the season close.

But as we watched on and hit those last 20 minutes and watched as our perfect happy show was slowly unravelled by a cruel angel and cup of coffee, we knew. We knew what was going to happen and we knew it would hurt.

Our friends and family who didn't experience Every had no idea, had no idea what was going to happen. Maybe thinking Aziraphele would stay with Crowley, or that Crowley would go to heaven, or they'd have a normal fight like earlier in the season, THEY DIDN'T KNOW. We never got to experience that, we never got to experience that unknowning sway of disbelief, surprise, shock, and heartbreak.

We knew there was going to be a kiss and we hoped it was going to make everything okay.

Everything was not okay.

Regardless, it hurt so much to see them break apart, but for some reason I wouldn't trade that moment for anything because the love I and the rest of this fandom have for these silly characters is something we'd never trade. Even if it broke our hearts

[starbuck]

having one of those Times where on one hand everything is completely fine but, on the other hand, i am drowning and there’s so much to do and i’m at my wit’s end and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[orcelito]

Read the most depressing trauma dumping letter Ever sent to me from my mother and then went right into the manager meeting where I had to get it thrown in my face AGAINNNN that I'm a fuckup who's doing nothing right, as if Saturday wasn't one of the most humiliating days of my life

I need to fucking scream. I need to fucking break things. But it's nearly 10 pm and I can't do Shit because if I throw shit in my apartment I'll scare my cats and I don't want to break my shit and I can't leave my apartment because it's fucking 10 pm and that's Dangerous but I need to release this energy somehow because I. Am. So. Fucking. Fed UP with life. It feels like no one sees how much I'm trying, it's always always always always my fuckups. Always always always. And meanwhile I've been slipping in a major way and I'm trying so hard to keep myself on track but I am

Needing to calm down. Before I start thinking drastic things.

I'm just so. Fucking. Frustrated.

I'm trying. Does anyone see that I'm trying? Can anyone fucking tell me they see I'm trying?

Of course not. We have to remind me that I'm a fuckup who's awful at their job. Of course :)

[pepprs]

cosmo wanda i fucking wish students understood that universities have limited reach and that public silence does not automatically mean no action is being taken internally and that the decisions of collectives / institutions do not reflect the decisions of all of the people within them (e.g. all faculty staff and administrators within an institution) etc etc. god DAMN it to hell. you people (not anyone reading this im saying this as if im talking to the student body at my school) look so fucking stupid @ing the social media accounts of distinct departments like that’s actually going to do anything. you think they ARENT doing anyrhing????? that’s probably ALL they’re focusing on rn and they’re spending days carefully gathering information so they can share it. and shit is hitting the fan in MULTIPLE areas rn if you haven’t noticed and also it’s winter fucking break so no one is even supposed to be working anyway. so what is wrong with you. why are you fucking making demands. getting a college to finally post an update about something is not the same as cancelling someone on twitter and the fact that so many of you think it is is indicative of how SICK our society has become. PLEASE calm down.

[achilleansapphic]

How to be less stressed and overthink everything please 😁👍🏻