#i just want this man employed
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#ls2#the only reason I want for him pulling out of ELMS#logan sargeant#i just want this man employed#f1#formula 1#indycar
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What happens when your coworker kills your other coworker but both of you are in a relationship (kind of) with the same ethereal woman who had an admiration for said dead coworker.
+bonus Evandrey because itās funny to me (Iām sorry Eva.)
#pathologic#pathologic 2#andrey stamatin#yulia lyuricheva#eva yan#evandrey#yulieva#evaandrey#Eva yahn#Andrei Stamatin#see I think that Eva is very okay with Eva being how she is- promiscuous and spreading her love (Maybe a little jealous but more rooted in#self loathing and insecurities)#and sheās like look Iām okay with this whole open relationship (technically we arenāt in a relationship even though I really want to be)#thing BUT why HIM. I have to work with him and heās by far the worst man Iāve ever worked with (besides maybe his brother because at least#Andrey actually talks but really theyāre a package deal anyways) I need to have meetings with him often and itās horrendous every time#like spread your love itās noble really.#I wouldnāt expect anything else from you#but maybe give him less heās annoying as hell#I also think that sheād figure out pretty quickly that Andrey and Peter killed Farkhad#just bcuz like. yk sheās there. sheās seen the already shaky relationship crumble beyond repair. sheās seen them argue in meetings.#she knows the stamatwins are not above murder. especially for art. and sheās clever.#And andrey knows that so he doesnāt try to hide it. she doesnāt have recourse anyways-#the kains (who I think helped cover up the murder) employ her too#and andrey respects her to a degree- he assumes sheāll see reason.#and honesty. Yulia might be upset that Andrey killed one of the only other architects but also she does not miss him that much.#sheās like I donāt agree with this whole murder thing but you are kind of right he had to go he was getting on my nerves#the meetings will be 10x more tolerable now that the twins canāt argue with him about things that arenāt even real#itās awful but it did drive Eva further into my arms so necessary evils.#my art#sorry for the essay in the tags.
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hmm. looking back for art summary purposes and. man i was Really Good at Just Fuckig Vanishing Sometimes huh .
#theres not a lot to be gained by being sad; but man. this year was#.#piktalk#not much better times to reflect ig#i couldnt even really find anything for some months. like expected ig but still..#this year has been incrementally stretching my sprite over and over until naught remains but a bitcrushed mess.#i want to say ive learned some things; but i really dont think i did. not strictly bad i guess; just frustrating.#its to be expected with what it is. i just hope it gets easier. because its certainly gotten more complicated.#ig the biggest thing was simply Getting Employed. which is a Something; but like. .. its a whole Thing.#made new friends im happy to have. stuck with some im glad to be able to keep. i hope you all stay well. i care more than i can say.#im still not brave enough to cast any expectation forward; i can only hope things get better. god do i hope things get better.#precarious little tower of blocks keeps getting built higher. we can only hope; and we can only hope.
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The Big Scary has improved drastically which means it's time for What The Fuck Are You Doing With Your Life to resume
#dumb babbles#Neither of us wants to go back to work but the problem is I don't turn 65 this year like she does#Many cool things I COULD do but would require me to be some degree of self employed or business owner#Get a job and be at the mercy of either corporate greed or individual greed#Must I earn an income is it not enough to simply be a traveling task specialist#Let me do random tasks for folks who need them. Let me organize and clean. Let me sort and apply arbitrary skills#Do I have to go back to school? Do I WANT to go back to school??#Explained the concept of burnout to my mother and saw a light bulb go off for her so idk man maybe I do just gotta vibe for a bit#Maybe this is the excuse I need to make the art-as-a-career thing a reality... just not cooporate design again.
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but noš© this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Helpā¢#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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not a good day homies š
so uh. i got let go. from my job. lol
not because i did anythingā my manager just said she thought the hospital was too big for me to keep up with and i was doing great but just not meeting expectations.
iām a little frustrated because i really loved that place and thought i was doing wellā and they only brought these concerns up to me last weekā which gave me like two or three working days to try and improve with their feedback.
however the manager made it clear that its not my faultā it just wasnāt a good fit for my current level of experienceā and sheās going to send my info to other clinics in the areaā one of which i applied for today with the same position i just hadā so iām hopefulā but sad.
so yeah. even tho i know the manager has my back and she said if i need help or advice or a reccomendation or anything sheās totally up for itā its still stressful to essentially get firedā and i cried a lot after i left. and then ate a lot of potatoes.
iām not sure how long it will take to get a new jobā so iām probably going to apply for unemployment benefits in the meantimeā and iāll just keep volunteering at the shelter.
i just feel really tired and not good in my tummyā and iām mostly sad that i wonāt see my boy jonny the clinic cat anymoreā and iām anxious about telling my parents what happenedā even thoigh i know theyāll still have my backā too.
anyways. back to job hunting i guess. yippee.
#ss original#iām having a lot of mixed emotions and idrk how to deal with it#iām like really tired and i have a headache from crying but iām also restless??#iām gonna start by taking a nice shower#then maybe iāll go get myself some ice cream or something to cheer up#i updated my resume and sent it to one of the sister clinic nearby that my manager was going to contact so#thats enough for today i think#man. it just sucks cause even though it was a challenging job i really enjoyed it and felt like i was on a good streak in life yknow#guess it was just me who thought that#i already miss jonny š„² my boyā¦#but i do agree i would probably be less stressed and overwhelmed in a smaller clinic#mostly im just worried about how long its going to take to get employed again#cause i have to you know eat and pay rent#and i feel really bad having to rely on my parents again#i want to stop financially depending on them#(to be clear theyre willing to help out and ik they wont be mad or anything. it just makes me feel guilty)#(might be all the childhood memories of hugging my mom while she cried at the computer over paying bills cause we were broke af. whoops)
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i kind of really hate myself you guys. like i kind of think thereās no hope for me
#i dont think im ever going to be able to create anything that anyone cares about or resonates with#all i want is to at least be a semi successful person all i want to do is leave an impact on anything#but im just fucking dust in the wind man i have nothing going for me#wanna be a screenwriter but it feels a little bit like a hopeless train ill never catch#im weird and offputting and untouchable its so difficult to get to know me at all#i try to be an artist but i think i mostly just fucking suck at it#im not good at anything. i have no skills im just a fucking loser#and im trying to just make peace with the fact that ill be working class all my life#especially with the current descent into ai hell and laying off artists and writers#entertainment is commercial now. no one can get original ideas out because the industries dont care anymore#its all about making money and employing less people for shittier quality things#i just want to create and be myself and do things that make me happy but i can hardly afford my life as it is#it just sucks it just all feels so hopeless and unforgiving#i jnow i need to keep trying and keep creating no matter what. and i will.#but it just feels so fucking hard anymore. theres always that part of me that says why try?#and its all a popularity contest anyway. and ive always been too Strange and Unusual to be included in anything#i really dont fucking fit anywhere. i dont even really think people like me. they just pretend to#whatever ill probably delete this in a little bit im just spiraling#jonah.txt
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Naur but fr, a while ago I talked about buying one of the dw audio dramas & one of my friends was like "Would you pay money for supernatural audio dramas?" and I was like "Only if they include the devil having sex with sam" lmao
the cw could be making bank right now and they donāt even know it.
seriously, though, they could literally just go ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½eh these are as canon as the tie-in novels/comics (which is to say, only canon as long as you want them to be)ā and do whatever the hell they want with the universe. i would listen to a spn audio drama! i would! would they be any good? probably not lmao but id be fascinated by them!
(and a sidenote because i was thinking about it but also like. if the original actors didnāt want to come back to play their parts in audio dramas. well, first of all, half the characters are angels that have been played by multiple people already so itās literally not a problem, give them a new vessel and go to town, but also also: like. just recast sam and dean. do it. give new people a chance to give their twist on the characters. i want to see what they come up with.
sorry lmao im just very, very pro-give these characters to new actors to get new takes on how they behave. i feel like thatās something you only get in shakespeare plays, star trek reboots, and the doctor being a new guy ever few years. it should be more common! less trapping actors in roles for decades and more giving new people turns at the wheel!)
#not to talk about the mcu but. that literally could have saved the mcu.#get rdj and chris evans OUT of there they didnt want to be there past like movie 3 and it showed!!!#if a new guy had shown up as iron man in civil war we literally would have had less of a problem about the ooc writing! because it would#have been a new guy! new take on the character! easier to get us onboard with this!#sorry. i think about this a lot.#anyway the spn audio drama versions of sam and dean should be played by two guys who have never been in a major project before and are#willing to do some freak shit on tape for our enjoyment. and thats all we need.#we shall recast castiel as a burned out corpse. not because misha died. we just do not need him to be employed. <3#ask
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I love how when zoro is left alone he just gets lost and drinks. Amazing. You are unwell
#caribou needs to get some distance from luffy....... nasty tongue#fuck that loaner!!!! but hiyori get your money akdhsksbj#most would not like to admit it but this is sanji as an old senile man.... a glance into the future#she is with the kyoshiro????? they want to take the shogun out..... well good for her....#nami and kamurasaki would get along.... new gf alert.... a girl on every port what do i say#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 921#ANOTHER franky panthyshot???? we are eating tonight ladies!!!!!#franky was employed one time and rocketlaunched his boss AJDHAJSJAK#zoro's attack when he just scares them to death..... slay#cp0...... die already#episode 922#zoro drinking water offered to him when he has sake on hand.... important moment#like why are you brooding and an alcoholic when in comparison these people are smiling thru their poverty#emo ass....#shanks cutting kid's arm..... damn#i hope katakuri is coming.... just for my enjoyment bc it would only be more trouble for luffy lmao#episode 923#no katakuri on board......#luffy is so happy about tama being alright.... thats his niece...#mama drowning just as luffy did lmao#usopp and sanji moment lmao#omg sanji grema moment coming.....#episode 924
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Once again I am thinking about flat coated retrievers.......
#they are.... just so good#honestly the only dog in the sporting group that i'm truly obsessed w#working line labs are nice but... flat coated retrievers man.......#the only downside i've seen so far: people calling them black golden retrievers#idk why that bugs me but it does lmao#other than fcrs i think i'm truly a herding group girly#but idk if i'm like... prepared at all for the herding breed i want (dutch shepherd)#but also... i love dutchie#but but also... i love fcr#there's also like a fcr breeder 20 minutes from me#DANGIT i just need to see if i can call/contact an fcr breeder and ask them a ton of questions to see if they're right for me#but also i need to be employed so i can get a dog in the first place lol#da'ber
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Anyway tween detective and her pet father figure literal felon solve crimes and kick ass doing it
#random thoughts#house#im sorry rachel is just fascinating to me#house has like a variety of disguises and secret identities he employs on a regular basis#both for cases and because he is legally dead#at least once he goes on a case as himself and convinces someone he's a ghost#rachel is basically house but with a better support system from a young age#also she's like actually autistic and this makes house very self aware (lie)#rachel has a love interest (girl from synagogue) (cuddy started going more regularly after. everything. for stability)#idk if house has a love interest after wilson but he DOES hallucinate talking to him sometimes. amber arc sequel#if i were to pair him up with anyone though? wilson's brother danny#even if not romatically id want to see danny's dymanic with the man who was there for his brother's final moments#like does danny know what happened to wilson? the cancer? the disappearance off the face of the earth?#anyway their dynamic would be kind of similar to house and wilson but with a few key differences#danny is less enabling. he takes more risks. he is NOT wilson but the similarity is there. he hates being compared to him#it would be more of a conventional less toxic romance
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Man this post graduation burnout is hitting hard
#I tried so hard to prepare for it. To have a plan n such so I could just kinda go on autopilot#But I feel so lost and overwhelmed and the only people I could vent to and get good advice from haven't responded to me in months#My current job won't employ me more than 2 days a week. I can't find anything better in this stupid fucking town but have no money to move#My bones are in shambles so working full time for anything that's not a desk job is practically impossible#And I can't even find a stupid desk job 'have 10 years of experience and also ur degree is useless to us' I'm so! Fed up man!#I want my friends to talk to me again! I want to not be struggling to make ends meet! I want some purpose but it cannot be found anywhere#Bein in ur 20s sucks I hate it here
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*thinks about Emperor Jadus* I feel like Eight would be secretly pissed if that happened. or maybe not pissed, since it used to be Jadus' dream and all... but he'd be so disappointed lolol
Jadus: the Empire calls for my return.
Eight, sighing: y e a h... slouches
#ooc#it's another case of i experienced life without dividing lines and it was fun don't make me go back#but emperor's consort sounds pretty nice doesn't it?#i'm not sure if he'd rejoin intelligence in this case and i feel as if any new ministers#would be way too nervous to employ jadus' hand if they get him hurt lmfao#so he's grounded AGAIN#i think he'd end up being the personal aide no one knows but is always by jadus' side answering only to him#some people think he's just there as a boytoy others have seen him rip assassins in half before they even move towards jadus#but he sure is a kept man lmao#jadus might even get a new Hand if eight stays as his personal servant instead#might be time for someone else to take it up#swtor#'refer to me as your senior ok?' '...who are you' 'haha you should figure that out yourself if you want to be my replacement'
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primal urge to dig a hole and stick my head in it like an ostrich or whatver
#i cant DO THISSSSS#boy im talking to is really nice and made it clear hes alr sweet on me#which is cute <3 BUT I CANT DO ANYTHINGGGGGG JFCCCCCC#like i havr no idea if this is a i just need to befriend him first then i catch feelings#or if its a i really am just Not Attracted to Men#like my mom has ramped up the 'find ur husband in college' and idk what prayers shes doin but its getting me ššš#also hes like really enthusiastic and flirting and i feel so bad bc i just Am not There Right Now#i need to meet this man in person so i can just get my head togetehr i swear#but im gonna feel so bad if i basically have strung him along and have to reject him after the first date#idk i lwok figured most ppl would like text a little over teh break but hes so committed#like replyibg multiple times a day#which notmally love that enegry#but now i gotta figure my head out a lit faster#i think that. i want to die alone agctually#like this is too much man i havr bigger issues j need to be EMPLOYED next year#sigh#SIGHHHHHHHHH#glow gabs
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