#i just truly can't take it sometimes
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truly the fact that the cesspool of racism and other nightmarish ghoulery that is the chicago hockey team has a mascot who is my hand to gd named tommy hawk is just the cherry on the racism sundae. the nhl ought to owe me and every other indigenous person out there 20 dollars every time we have to be reminded this monstrosity of an organization is allowed to exist mostly-unquestioned.
no ethical consumption under sports teams etc nobody's teams are gonna be beyond reproach etc but like. some things are worse than other things. for example, having a racist caricature for your logo and a mascot named tommy fucking hawk is worse.
#gav gab#that time the wild's mascot like kicked the chicago mascot's ass at some asg#lives fondly in my heart#from the bottom of my heart: fuck that org and fuck every single one of their fans#there is no excuse.#tommy fucking hawk. as i live and fucking breathe.#racism cw#i just truly can't take it sometimes#like#i look at those logos and those team names and i'm like#this is what we really are to a lot of people huh#that's what they think of us#that's what we mean to them#and no matter how much we beg and scream and fight#they will not fucking stop#and then i have to think about the cleveland guardians and the washington nationals#or whatever their names are#there IS hope but just#some days it's a lot. some days it's brutalizing.
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I have seen some Shanks hate outside of tumblr and I don't, won't, and can't get it because he is adorable???
Like:
"He may be evil"
What? With this face?
"His fans are so annoying!"
Understandable, my dude (still, lame reason to hate a character, tho), but have you considered:
"he isn't THAT strong, nor the strongest character in the series"
And how does that affect the bermuda triangle????
Also:
"He is gonna die"
Maybe. He would remain cute, tho:
#I'm just being silly because I don't get why he gets so much hate sometimes#also I've seen people say he is actually weak because a sea king ate his arm...#and to those I say: why can't you read?#he sacrificed that because (hear this) it has mkre weight like that *gasp#anyways don't take this as much more than a fun silly post by yours truly#red haired shanks#one piece#he doesn't getbas much hatevas the king buggy but is still silly hate
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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I've come to the conclusion that loving young royals doesn't mean I can't be critical about it, maybe especially bc I love the show so much I have such strong feelings about it, good and bad and I can love parts of canon and agree with it and appreciate it but I don't have to love it all. I have accepted that it's okay if I don't accept the ending and I don't have to force myself to support it. It's okay to not agree with all of canon and it's okay to not side with all of the creators' intentions/views. Loving a show doesn't mean you have to take everything the writers say on face value and that's the only version that is allowed to exist. Canon isn't everything and fandom is about curating your own experience that makes you happy and not miserable. You don't have to dismiss canon in every aspect and ignore it entirely, that's certainly not what I want but there is a fine line between being canon respectful, allowing some parts to exist and sometimes, yes, you just have to say "fuck canon" and move on for your own sanity and wellbeing
#especically in the first two weeks of a new release everyone is feelings lots of intense emotions ranging from ecstatic to angry#everything in between is a part of it and i know i'm also feeling very strongly about it right now#i always try to stay levelheaded and rational and see things from an objective pov and be diplomatic about discourse#i don't want any of what i say drift off too much into meaningless hate instead of the constructive criticism it's supposed to be#but when you feel so strongly about something and sometimes you really just wanna say yeah i fucking hate it lol#but i always try to explain why and give understandable arguments and not just blindly hate on something#for example - I'm aware there are fans who have some problems with s2 and don't love the season whereas i do and it's my fave#and there is a difference between expressing some criticism and justified concerns which you can understand where it comes from#and those who are just like 'oh it's a horrible season. it was so shitty and we should get rid of it' which is dumb hate and just not true#and i can't support people like that and take them seriously#i can have my own issues with s3 from a subjective pov which can also include some justified criticism as well#but also still acknowledge it as a truly good piece of tv media and the quality is top notch#and that's why you have such high expectations and have critique because it is so good and sets such a high standard#yrtalk#with that being said i understand ppl not wanting to see any critic about it if they are riding the high of happy wilmon endgame#but that doesn't mean that i can't express my own opinions on my own blog and i will continue to do so#and maybe one day i will feel differently and accept or even like the ending who knows#but it doesn't have to happen. it's fine if it does but it's also fine if it doesn't
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(anyone before their period feel their gums swelling and get mouth sores and it makes you want to rip all your teeth out of your mouth once a month???
no? just me? cool cool.)
#sometimes the mouth sores are so bad i can't talk which is fun for me truly#but its the subtle swelling#not even pain#just discomfort in my mouth#for about two weeks and nothing helps#just take my teeth#i dont need them#tw: period talk
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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I think if all ppl can say about allura is that she's an obstacle to kl or that she's dead to be kl angst or that ppl shipping her w Lance suck then maybe just don't talk about her ever LMAO
#ppl will truly be like 'Lance is bi 😊 but yuck allurance is het trash' bi means liking more than just ur same gender fuck u lol#i love kl but i can't fuck w the fans too much at large bc they love to talk about k and l screwing on alluras grave if they remember her#just say ur hateful and go dont bring allura into this didn't the show treat her bad enough FUCK#at least l fans there's a 50/50 chance they recall dead dead out of the way of Keith allura with some kindness#but k fans it's a 75% chance they hate her and go out of their way to talk about how awful she is and gotta say i don't trust like that#u can dislike any character for whatever reasons but the optics on this are bad and the specific things they say are red flags fr#so many ppl say Lance is bi bc it's a popular fanon to explain he's a flirt w girls but we actually want him to be gay#instead of actually saying it bc they think he's bi... the whole fandom was/is specifically v biphobic#i hc everyone as bi and that means sometimes it's a mf ship but it's still queer like come on#anyway this is for no one I'm just idek bye#text posts#might just delete this I'm so tired 😫#not even to touch on specifically the misogynior of it all#it's 2024 and I'm still seeing fresh takes that are the exact same shitty takes from years ago
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Self affirmations to myself : You started this blog so you could have a fun archive of stuff from the new fandom you just joined(that'sover a year now btw, been A Ride). Don't overthink stuff like seeming too online or how much you can reblog before it becomes annoying just because a small handful of people follow this now.
(Btw sorry if I ever ignore DMs I either forgot or my brain decided that actually answering will take too much energy)
#just got too into my own head again because I noticed just how much more stuff I reblog compared to others#just how much time is spent online#but like even if there's better ways to spend my day#that doesn't change the fact that I'm ill and mostly homebound atm#like sure I could be beating myself up over how little i do and how much more I used to be able to do (I do that too but I shouldnt)#and instead appreciate that I'm privileged to have the ability to just be at home sick and enjoy my time recovering as best as I can#but it gets tiring when the chronic illness doesn't improve even after months or rather years tbh#and why am I able to reblog so much on here but still haven't replied to RL friends#I'm also mourning what I could do in this fandom#like I'm a decent photoshopper with a ton of ideas just wasting away in my draft file#or I have soooo many fic ideas and while I'm a horribke writer I would still love to take a crack at them#instead it's lying in bed with pain and brain fog reblogging funny stuff#this isn't a knock on the funny stuff it's literally one of the few things keeping me from sliding into very bad depression but y'know#sometimes which there was a way to voice call with people about their post cause on some days even typing gets too much#okay this is enough self pity#delete later#abi rambles#I can't ever be truly angry at having gotten into hockey cause this fandom has so many cool people and actually got me to jump over#my own shadow and DM people on my own for the first time!!!
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i've been going into the liam tag from time to time the last year where both his fans and people who hated him were Weird about him well before there were any allegations so i would get curious, i don't even remember what started it (maybe it was merely looking for photos that update accounts wouldn't post), but i normally try to avoid going into anything but edit tags for people i enjoy bc there are so many nonsense takes
and of course happening to go through today before the news broke bc i wanted to see what was being said about the abuse as i've only gotten bits on twitter and of course there were many posts rightfully calling it out and all but there's that weird mentality which i was getting a lot more of from twitter but some on here where they're like??? celebrating it and girlboss-ing and i'm just like. okay it's great that you're believing a victim but you're making light of it by talking about it like it's just another stan thing, i have seen that time and time again when this kind of stuff comes out and if people already thought that person was annoying or whatever they're just like "oh yes! i knew it! their career is ruined haha!" and it's like. you clearly don't actually care about the horrible things this person has done and just want to brag that you somehow ~knew~ a stranger's vibes were off and it's so beyond gross like you could use that energy to support a person's victims and instead you'll just try to prove you stan the right people and never the wrong ones or whatever
#and then there were. weird ones#some apparent larrie who didn't seem to like either louis or harry#literally the post that popped up was talking about louis knowing he can't stand on his own bc he can't sing like#has he not very much proven he can stand on his own#he's not as famous post 1d as say harry but i doubt he wants to be lol even harry doesn't want to be#he stays off social media and just gets papped sometimes like both clearly thrive on stage just in different ways ya know#so that was just unnecessary and a block#and then someone else not defending liam or anything but talking about how they're probably all horrible to women#and niall and harry apparently cheating on gfs (never heard anything about that not that i think harry's relationships have been real#and it took me a while to realize when talking about niall having songs written about him they probs meant hailee but#idec what those songs are and if they reference cheating so whatever i think i'm out of the loop on rumors and stuff#where i used to always know what was going on with 1d like i wouldn't have even known about liam if not for the fyp on twitter#bc truly i just don't follow people who post about their personal lives anymore not a choice or anything just that the og 1d blogs are gone#but i was like okay even if any of THAT is true why on earth would you put that on par with abuse. why.#cheating is sooooooooo fucking shitty and i truly hate it but like not the same???#oh and saying niall is a bad person for taking a selfie with him even though none of us know what he knew esp at that point like#most of this seemed to be coming out right after the concert like come on#there's just sooooooo much all around of people pretending they know these people personally#both to defend and criticize and it's just like please i love 1d so much i always will#but man like believe victims always but also don't blindly believe every other random rumor you hear#or that you know exactly what's going on behind the scenes bc you don't and you never will#oh and ofc someone wondering about his other exes like tbf we don't know how much addiction and whatnot came into play#so yeah it might not all be recent developments but are you really gonna ask about danielle who as an adult dated 17 year old liam
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Just said "sheesh, Kenna, you're the smartest person I know" out loud while reading your tags on the FMA Truth and Ed's atheism post. Then I realized that Indiana probably doesn't care as much for this information as you might lolol
honestly i'd originally written a really annoying ramble about gods in fiction under that post and now i'm so glad i deleted it to write that much more succinct breakdown of my thoughts on the matter
#I have such a ramble I could go on in every single direction of this topic because this is the stuff i think long and hard about#but im not even sure which part of my tags impressed you lmao#i feel like im just constantly shouting 'theres nuance!' about an issue which has#in fact truly deeply caused a lot of pain and hurt in the world! so like of course people dont want to see the nuance!#and they dont need to! thats a thing for me to have fun thinking deeply about - if its a cause of strife dont even worry about it!#i am actively working on a story right now where the 'gods' are knowingly lying and manipulating the mortal population#but like. they can't not. because they're not 'gods' as is all-knowing all-powerful supposed-to-reward-the-good-punish-the-bad#i think because thats a kind of god referred to in stories that im disinterested in. its boring and also comes with so much baggage#im way more interested in 'gods' as in creators. and thats it. i made this planet but thats all i can do. i cant fix it#or i made this ocean. i cant stop you from drowning in it i can just make ocean#and i'd never thought of it in terms of the laws of physics but like YEAH ACTUALLY. gravity as a god. i pull things together#you NEED to fight it sometimes! it kills you and it keeps you alive and there's no morality to it!#im also interested in gods as like. alien consciousnesses. like if there was a guy out there and he gave you life but#if you looked at him he would blind you and if you touched him he'd vaporize you#like just take all the physics and reality of the sun and put it in a person-shape and give it a voice#like again theres no morality to the sun! but once we personify things like that we start putting morality and baggage on them!#anyway im rambling lmao i could go on for hours. i just loved the idea of Truth as god just like Gravity as god
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Tag drop: Jing Yuan (incomplete, but the rest will be added behind the scenes) (... and a little return of Yelan's aesthetic, for I've missed her desperately)
#tag drop#jing yuan. [ history will make its own judgment. if i succeed; it will state that i am supremely confident in my masterful strategy. ]#jing yuan: ic. [ but if I fail; then all will state that i am neglecting my duties in wanton pleasure. preferring finches over my people. ]#jing yuan: inquiries. [ if you want to distract me with questions; i urge you to stop. / ah. how could you suspect such malice? ]#jing yuan: countenance. [ he is also a master of the arts of concealment. when he decides to “show” something: it's time to be careful. ]#jing yuan: introspection. [ the xianzhou has very few legends. for what room is there to create legends among those who do not die? ]#jing yuan: meta. [ have you memorized all that? / yes general. / very good. but only when you've forgotten it: will you be ready. ]#jing yuan: little notes. [ it is a warrior's game. singular encounters with endless possibilities. ]#jing yuan: wishes. [ the pieces are like us; each with its sentience. there is no going back on the board; how can one return to the past?#jing yuan: etc. [ only the truly wise can stand proud in front of the undefeated enemy called time. ]#jing yuan: the luofu. [ they name the xianzhou luofu as just xianzhou; but one is not the other. the luofu is the luofu. it is no more. ]#jing yuan: cloud knights. [ the cloud knights entrusted their lives to me. i shall not fail them. ]#jing yuan: wave-treading snow lion. [ how could i turn down looking after a long-extinct little animal to help continue its lineage? ]#jing yuan: high-cloud quintet. [ the past cannot be pursued; but the future can still be hoped for. ]#jing yuan: yanqing. [ it is my fault. i should have given him an opportunity already. “a sharp sword can't stay sheathed forever." ]#jing yuan: jingliu. [ in an endless night… there is nothing closer than the bright moon: always hanging in the sky. ]#jing yuan: blade. [ it is never wise to put down the hammer and take up the sword. ]#jing yuan: dan heng. [ bygones are bygones. but sometimes i wish things had turned out differently. ]#jing yuan: v. youth. [ ah. that carefree new cloud knight recruit. i was like that once upon a time. but it was a long while ago… ]
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hgs brainrot has returned due to tbosas .. speaking of hgs here’s an ask abt the hgs au: if things were totally different, and Wilbur were to be a 12 victor, what do you think a possible mentor-tribute dynamic would look like between him & Niki? I feel like it would be similar to Snow & Lucy in the way that he’s just going out of his way to cheat n help her
anon u have in fact struck jackpot because this is a concept i was spinning some thoughts abt before bee mentioned avoxes and we went OOOOH at that!!! so yes i have considered rainduo as a mentor-tribute dynamic and would love to talk about that concept too :]
so for this concept i think wilbur and niki would be close friends throughout childhood from 12, and then in their teens wilbur is reaped and, well, no one has particularly high hopes (he's a writer and a musician at heart, not a fighter) but through sheer trickery and dumb luck, he makes it to the end of the games. wilbur pulled some pretty fucked up tricks to win - when you can't use brute force, you have to use your brain - and partly due to the trauma of the games, partly due to his shame and survivor's guilt, he sinks into the capitol and relishes a new life there as a socialite. to him, the old wilbur died in the games and the new one has taken his place - to niki, and to his other friends in 12, whatever the games did to him made him into every vapid heartless capitol victor there is.
or. niki has her doubts. they all saw how horrible the games were, but surely there is some part of him left, some part that's hurting, even if it's buried deep?
anyway.
like og spin of the au, niki is reaped and this sucks - this time she does expect wilbur as her mentor on the train, and she expects some kind of warm welcome (maybe even an apology for leaving them so suddenly and silently? an explanation?) but she gets jack shit. wilbur is jaded and cruel and unrecognisable and niki entirely hates it. this is the part where i REALLY WISH we got some time of those two beefing with each other directly in canon (or at least interactions while niki was So Mad at him) but it's okay we fly blind. niki feels abandoned, lonely, thrown off of her kilter - she expected an ally in this place, but she doesn't recognise the person wilbur has become. she doesn't recognise his shallowness (...much), his ruthless advice for the arena, the way he doesn't seem to care for anything. she's scared and now she's lonely and it pisses her off - their mentorship is fraught. here are some thoughts from discord on that:
i tend to think of niki as a bit naïve before l'manberg or even doomsday - i think this is an au where this streak would come out real strong, and niki is stubborn that she can get through the games without losing herself. stubborn that she can stop things, that she can protect people. i don't think wilbur is cold enough (or, really, can bear to say aloud) to say that her odds in the arena are slim enough as it is, but he definitely tells her that she's making enemies and that her odds of survival dwindle with the more trouble she causes.
beyond that... hm. niki's trust in wilbur is almost unshakeable until nov 16, even when she outright says she doesn't recognise him anymore. i think she'd reluctantly listen re: don't burn down any buildings, but she would grow bolder each day she had to stay in the capitol. she gets more honest in front of the cameras. she makes more friends in training, and not the ones wilbur recommends. she throws barbs at him every time he makes one of those callous, cold-hearted comments about other tributes and rankings and odds. and besides, she's going in the arena this time, not him. she needs to practice her bravery.
it's like... she hasn't given up on him. she thinks the old wilbur is in there somewhere. (she is wrong. that is not how trauma works.) but she won't hold her tongue just because she
for extra angst points could definitely play up the whole 'feeling abandoned' angle between them as niki goes into the arena - probably due to how fraught their friendship gets leading up to the games. niki wants to focus on them and their friendship, wilbur has stringently cut off (almost) everything from 12 and refuses to let her in; he tells her to behave for the cameras, she tells him she never will. i think the last point in that screenshot would also make for a super tasty argument where niki feels wilbur has gone astray, that he's abandoned 12, and that he'll probably do nothing but sit on his ass and watch her die and he can't even bring himself to care about her anymore, can he? just more fodder for the arena. and honestly, i think wilbur would passively agree with most of that - he values niki's opinion, after all, even now, and if she says he's rapidly descending into a lost cause then she must be right. and it's niki, so she will be fine, and he goes to his bedroom that night and tries to pretend he is sleeping perfectly fine instead of feeling paralysed with fear.
okay now onto the games - YES HE SO WOULD. or at least i think he would go out of his way to help. as for cheating - he's a recent victor for 12 and i think he would value tommy (no doubt a link to him... i think they'd be in touch in this au also) too much to risk the punishment falling onto him as well. i get the vibes this is a games closer to 74th than 10th, so there are far fewer opportunities to cheat and the consequences of getting caught are higher. but schmoozing up sponsors? making stupid ass radio interviews or whatever to talk up niki's odds? sharing anecdotes from their childhood - some real, some entirely fabricated - across capitol airwaves to stoke their sympathy? 100%. with less to lose in this au, i think niki would be far less inclined to play nice for the cameras - i hope you starve, she spits at one of them, and wilbur appears on a talkshow two days later as she scrambles for survival in the arena to talk up how she always saved loaves from the bakery for the poorest mothers and children in 12. he borrows and begs and swindles to the point where it feels like cheating. but hey, this new wilbur is capitol-branded. he knows how to play the game.
if anything he probably sinks into the game a little too much. self-preservation is not his forte. probably wracks up a few heavy debts and favours to owe, but those are not priority until niki is out of the arena, alive. as long as she wins, and as long as the family he has isn't in danger, he will manage. wow it would suck if at some point those two goals became impossible to co-achieve. anyway
i kind of see niki's victory in the arena being similar to the one in the main au - if only because planning out an entire games is hard for meee >-< . she walks in bolder and braver for sure, and with a less strategic pick of allies, but they all get picked off and she spends a few weeks so terrified she can barely sleep and then she ruptures some fuel line and sets the arena alight with a fire that burns brighter and more ravenously than it should. but she wins, and she's airlifted out of a filthy, muddy creek she had resigned herself to die in, and wilbur barges his way through as many peacekeepers so that he can actually see her with her burnt skin and hair and unfocused eyes and trust that what was on the screens wasn't a fluke, and that they made it. and then it's just a matter of surviving the after.
i'm sure there are some other random quirks or tidbits i can think of re: this take on a c!rainduo hunger games au but these are my base thoughts!!
#can i just say whatever the hell lucy grey n snow had going on in part 1 made me so berko btw. like congrats ur my means to an end youre my#symbol youre my buddy? should we kiss? i'll get you out of here / don't make me leave these people behind#BRIDGING OFF OF THE TBOSAS DISCUSSION. i think the thing with crainduo (or at least how i like to depict them) is that they care about each#other extremely deeply and value each other... without being each others number one priority at all times.#i don't think niki plays priority with people she cares for like that; see her relationships with like wilbur and eret in lmanberg#even her friendship with and offering ponk a place to stay in her city after manberg even tho manberg hurt her#as for wilbur: his priority is tommy. like always. if it was just him on the line he'd do anything to get niki thru but it's not#asks#hunger games au#they would truly be such a nightmare in this au like. wilbur's self loathing is SO HIGH due to survivors guilt and trauma and mental illnes#he thinks that niki is So Good and Has It Together meanwhile he is So Bad#and is a mess that she cannot possibly rely on him. she can't possibly need him. she can't possibly want him around#<- and this shit is INGRAINED like. it's not even an active thought pattern anymore it is carved into his brain like a groove#and so shes like. do you even care whether i live or die??#of course he does. but this is the capitol. he cant be vulnerable in a way that matters#and that alienates niki further and this rage and heartbreak is building in her with nowhere to go. and in the arena she thinks it erupts#nah uh. i think its AFTER the area when she has to face wilbur again that she would go full screaming meltdown#ANYWAY !! i really like aus where they have this friction esp because i think like.. idk i think sometimes our views of rainduo are too ros#wilbur kind of forgets about niki sometimes because his self hatred is that bad. niki doesnt get wilburs mental illness and takes it both a#a burden/blame AND a direct rejection of her and her friendship#and they hover just outside of each others spaces anxious and angry and almost self flagellating. GOOD FOR THEM !#anyway Yes this did unlock something within me. thanks anon feel free to add on if u had more thoughts esp re: tbosas and such bc i had suc#a good time watching that movie
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the suyeol lore is so crazy
#their relationship is so interesting to me like aoughhhh#like you see subaek and even tho they don't talk a lot on camera (most of the time) those two get along so well#they understand and respect each other so much they take their job very seriously and they're actually good friends as a result#suyeol on the other hand is 12 years of slowburn like it's crazyyyyy#you admire him and believe in him like no one else does and then you discover that he isn't that great actually#so you get disappointed and distance yourself and then you both are in this weird limbo for years as you grow up#and slowly but surely you rediscover how your relationship works because both of you are adults now and now we're here#like yeah suhito was stressed back then the context was not great for a leader AND tao was still with exo so lmao pcy could fend for himself#so i get ittttt they were going through it but. i need to know what he said to pcy like oh my god was it really that bad 😭#i wonder if they've ever mentioned it 🤔#writing this bc i just remembered that one time they had to describe e/o and suho was like#“you're my cute dongsaeng i admire your talents so much and oh btw you're not uncomfortable around me these days right? uwu”#LIKE ??? KING YOU CAN'T SAY THAT AND LEAVE US IN THE DARK#(<- they totally can it's not our business lmao)#idolization to tentative ''''enemies'''' to coworkers to friends to good friends is crazy#i need to look into this properly omg let's do some research#anyways i want a subunit :) they can be called exo sc too sehun won't mind bc these are like his favorite people in the world!!!#idk i find the exos and their bond so interesting because you truly have it all with them there's a whole spectrum of friendships#and i appreciate that it's not like with b*s & taegi (if you don't know who they are... let's keep it that way <3)#because those two were just too different to get along. it was extreme. but bighit forced it so much it was painful to see sometimes#and then the hawaii trip came and they painted it like a ''see? after this trip they get along so well now <3'' moment#1. girl let's be serious for a sec 😐 and 2. it's not our business!!!!! focus on making good music!!!!!#i'm so glad exo didn't have to go through something like that bc i just know that they'd have disbanded by now sjfsifjsk#the saranghaja sprite isn't that intense we lovr freedom of choice (keeping in mind that they were under sm) <33333#so YEAH. can you guys tell i can't sleep hehe :)#dara.t#suho and chanyeol
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#not to start sh*t (tho i always do)#tho i really do understand the frustration surrounding like... ppl only reading x part of whatever fic#at the same time... the policing of how ppl read is so irritating#nobody has a right to comment on how ppl interact with writing + work#like i personally don't care but ... wanting interaction and comments makes more sense than telling ppl they can't read ur work#if they only read the sm*t/the dialogue/the whatever#like.... why are u writing if ur gonna take the enjoyment away from ppl... even if they're not getting the whole thing... thats on them#sometimes the enjoyment itself comes from interacting with the parts that make it understandable / touch upon someones interests#plus... like .. writing can be good but writing can also be way too flowery. there should be balance.#PLUS... if the only way to get the story is thru the dialogue? thats a WRITER problem#and also.. as someone with chronic brain fog and tons of sh*t i need to get done and also mental illness and such...#not everyone has the time or energy to invest in hours or even minutes of reading#ppl have different abilities not to mention reading speeds#and if skimming is the only way they can/how they participate in reading fanfic... literally leave them be#u can still enjoy stuff that way and appreciate a writer's talents even if ur only looking surface level... it just shouldn't matter#and it just makes me sad readers are being targeted and told theyre a bad audience for stuff like this... WHEN I GET IT#i can't control anyone obvs but i wish it would stop#i think it really makes this community less welcoming which is the uh. last thing we need.#but anyway no hate i guess even tho this is a bad take#i have opinions that would get me sniped truly#okay thats it bye#caitie blabs
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#realizing I will never be loved when I'm myself truly#because be it friends or family they only like me if I'm doing what they want#if I am playing a role of some sorts#I must be the perfect polite daughter who messes up sometimes but is completely passive and takes the blame even when right#I must be the funny friend who is louder than any other and makes so that everyone feels included and is careless and kinda stupid#I must be the brave friend who is funny but with a limit and judgemental and with a dirty mind to fit in even if the dirty jokes annoy me#everyone would be happy if I just was someone I'm not#so what's the point in trying#when I am finally by myself who am I going to be?#who really am I?#that's probably why I love being loved and having attention#because if someone expects something of me I'll have something to do#to be#instead of rotting in my bed all day#I can't do that because that's something only someone sick or lazy does#I have everything so why am I even complaining#vent
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I love being insane and rambling/loredumping for over an hour in a voice note about a niche thing in the lore/world of my nonexistent book that will probably never come up and is probably not important to the story at all that I know of because I haven't really started writing it yet besides two chapters and some snippets that were like a few years ago because I cannot be bothered to do research for a different WIP that is not even past the basic stages (the real inciting incident hasn't even happened) bc it's not a current priority before finishing the first draft that I have been working on for the last four years or the first draft of the other WIP I've been working on since the year two thousand and sixteen.
#just writer things#truly hate my brain sometimes like why am I getting trivia for a book I have barely written like 2#20K* words for like I haven't even opened the doc for it in like 8 months and I haven't actually added anything for over 2 years now so.#I don't even have any particular plans to get to it until I at least finish the 2 WIPs I'm working on rn—#which includes one I've been writing the first draft for since 2018 and a basically done first draft of a WIP from like 2016#both are missing the 3rd act bc I suck at writing cliamxes + my writing style for either books isn't suited for that so it'll take a while#like the 2016 one is at 120K words and literally only needs 1 more chapter and an epilogue so maybe like 20K more words.#there's supposed to be a big climactic battle which intersects the stories of approximately 25 named characters until the actual climax#which is another battle but more small scale but also more epic bc it's personal and magical#and I've literally already written the second battle but the buildup to the first fight is hard and so is the actual battle#then there's the WIP that's haunted me for the last 4ish years which is at 160K of an expected 200-220K and is entirely missing the 3rd act#like I have some stuff written and I did plan a structure for a bunch of the main plot stuff bc the book takes place over a strict timeline#but like the actual climax is mostly missing like I have the ending written. the ending is fully done.#I've had it written and planned for a WHILE bc it's supposed to lead into a future story and it has to happen this way#but idk how to get there just yet with a cast of almost 50 named characters to keep track of and 6 'main' plots although it's really 3#like it's a lot to balance bc I prefer writing with larger casts and just getting things done is so hard#bc I physically can't do 'write later' to stuff bc those are some of the most important interactions to me and idk how characters act if—#I don't have those written precisely. it's sort of a story about the effects of the mundane. I literally can't 'write details later' this.#and in the middle of this nightmare — a 4 month writing drought — my brain in like 'here's a bunch of shit about a third story'#god sometimes I simply hate my brain#anyway yeah lol#truly just writer things#owad#anyway guess this is me sort of pivoting back to vomiting about writing on this blog#writbelr#writblr#james rambles#James yells in the tags
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