#i just took my adhd medication this text did NOT have to be that long. i just have a lot of thoughts all the time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years ago

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Hi, I have hard executive dysfunctions but had some (temporary) results using to-do apps and stuff. For everything, brushing teeth, eating, etc. But it always end (very quickly) by me adding 30+ to dos for a day and working 10 hours to get them done until I break down. I can't not do it. Once I think about it, there is sooo much to do, so much I neglected.

So I saw this nice bullet journal in a shop today and took it with me and need some ideas how to make it, to not end like the others:

I thought about a symptom part, how good did I sleep, what mental health issues do I have, etc pp.

I am completely unsure if I should ad any "chore to-dos" or only self care/mental health ones. But even those feel like chores so...

And my energy level varies strongly so I thought about keeping it vague like idk "do one relaxing thing"-like maybe. So I could decide on that day, what I think I will get done. But that's pretty unsatifying.

Ah and, as much as I love such book and diaries etc, writing it down feels like a chore too so... It sounds worse than it is, I had some results but everything in this world sounds like a chore so I am unsure how to make this fun and manageable and neither go to the extreme nor give up.

Give me all your ideas and examples and plans.

Hi anon,

As soon as I saw your ask I just knew I wanted to answer it ~ I have ADHD, but because of other chronic health issues - I cannot take stimulant medications for it and rely on my adaptations to manage symptoms (and yup, some of my mental energy does get used up doing it this way - but it is possible for some of us!). I wanted to start by sharing some resource links and articles first:

The Best Work Schedule for ADHD Brains: Flexible or Rigid? (with resources at the end, and lots of reflections from a variety of folks who benefit from both - great starting point to see which style resonates with you)

Adults With Executive Function Disorder (scroll about halfway down for tips and resources)

Tips and Tricks for Executive Function Disorder (geared towards the caretaker of a child with it, but still impactful suggestions, including movement breaks and reward systems)

Executive Function Disorder: Bullet Journal (one person’s personal bullet journal and how an adaptable reward system - shaped like a bingo card - really helped them)

But also wanted to share what I use/tell myself throughout the day/week to help: (under the cut to help avoid the post getting super long)

I personally use an adapted planner for the overall schedule, it’s got enough blank spaces where if I want to “change it up” I can do that week to week, but in general this is the place where I store my overall monthly calendar and every Sunday night write out my week ahead of “big things” (apps, time sensitive errands, etc).

I take a picture of my monthly calendar, as well as my weekly so even if I’m out and about I can quickly refer to it if someone asks about a date - versus saying “I’ll check my calendar later and get back to you” . . . and then - never doing it, whoops!

People in my life are used to it by now, but essentially if someone tells me something like “next weekend is so and so’s birthday” - I’ll take a moment to set an alarm reminder to add it to my calendar when I’m home, and or make a text message note on my phone, and set an alarm that essentially reads “don’t forget to add your text notes to the calendar” (some days I can have like fifteen alarms going off throughout the day, but this way I also manage to add the information I need to, versus feeling like I’m constantly forgetting something, or worse, expending limited mental energy constantly cycling through a “don’t forget don’t forget don’t forget” concentration).

I timeblock my day every morning before everyone else is awake, for example: 7 to 8 - studies, 9 to 10 - social, and so on. By doing it every day, I can refer back to it throughout the day and adjust as needed but also not plan too far ahead with no adaptability to changing circumstances. I also ensure that for a chunk of “serious chores” I also schedule in what I like to call “serotonin boosts” - whether that’s some friends time, or creative time, whatever sparks joy for you. There have definitely been days where I felt like I could not do one more email - and then reminded myself that as soon as I got through the five I scheduled myself for, then I could draw for an hour (a basic ‘this, then that’ reward system). Suddenly, I manage to push through it, and often quicker than I had originally thought it would take - allowing me to have even more time with something that brings joy.

If I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I set several alarms, almost like a countdown

I like to use fun color pens, or even pens with like fuzzy balls, or some other sort of stimming part to it as I work - it allows me a moment to stim if I need it, even when I’m tackling the “boring brain dump” stuff.

No amount of telling my brain “just do it” for twenty minutes is going to magically create the dopamine/serotonin it needs to do the thing. So if a reward isn’t working, I get up and move with a timer to get it going that way, and then try again.

I’m sure there’s plenty more ideas/tips/tricks - anyone stumbling on this, please feel free to comment, reblog, and add to it, but I hope it’s a helpful start for you and anyone else out there looking for adaptions. - Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #executive function disorder

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americanphancakes · 1 year ago

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I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

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valessacat · 2 years ago

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I was diagnosed with ADHD at 41.

And it pisses me off.

Throughout my entire life, I never slept well. I struggled with insomnia because my brain would just not turn off at night. I was restless. Even when I laid there, exhausted, my mind and body just refused to relax. I spent a lot of time in bed, on the couch, in front of a computer. My parents and teachers said I was lazy.

My grades were either As or Ds. Very little in between. I devoured history text books and wrote loooong papers and book reports, struggling to stay under word count. I nearly failed every math class I took because none of the information stuck in my brain. Trying to do my math homework was literally painful and I’d have rather touched a hot stove than muddle through long division. My parents grounded and spanked me for being lazy, but all it did was motivate me to find ways to cheat.

I went to a psychiatrist when I was 20. He was an older man who saw me for about 15 minutes, told me I had anxiety, and wrote me a script for Celexa. I told him I wasn’t worried at night, my head was filled with too many things. He didn’t listen and I stopped taking the meds after a week because he never explained how SSRIs work so I have no idea if it would have helped me or not.

When I got into the workforce, the problems persisted. I excelled at the tasks that tickled my brain and dragged my feet on the tedious tasks. I got passed over for promotions and even written up a few times for poor performance. I was convinced I was a lazy piece of shit and helpless to change.

After being denied an annual raise in 2017, I finally went to a psychiatrist again. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Moderate Depression. I was given Effexor, which made my insomnia worse and made me sweat like a pig. Switched to Lexapro. Since my doctor explained that I needed to wait 2-4 weeks for results, I followed her instructions. It helped a little and made me feel much more even-keeled. But I didn’t see a breakthrough until I started on the Welbutrin.

Now, Welbutrin is often prescribed off-label for milder cases of ADHD because it is an upper and it’s not as tightly regulated as other options. My sleep improved almost immediately. I didn’t have to drink an *entire* pot of coffee to feel semi-normal and it got me through my workday. This was the first time a drug actually did something really significant for me, so I started to do some googling.

The Welbutrin didn’t seem to be working as well after six months or so I asked my doctor “are you sure it’s not ADHD?” She said that GAD and ADHD can present similarly in adult women and offered to let me try Ritalin since there was a long-ass wait list for psych testing.

It was like seeing a rainbow after years of clouds and rain. I woke up feeling refreshed. I fell asleep at night. I could perform tasks I needed to get through without feeling paralyzed. She switched me to the Concerta after I told her I wanted an extended release since the crash after the Ritalin wore off was super annoying.

Life is beautiful, but I’m angry. I’m angry at all the life I didn’t get to live. At all the missed opportunities. Doctors who didn’t listen. My mom who thought ADD (what it was called when I was a kid) was a made-up illness. I’m angry that AMAB individuals get diagnosed as kids but AFAB folks just “worry too much.”

My beautiful friends: find a doctor who listens to you and is willing to walk you through your medication and diagnosis. Whether it’s ADHD or something else, you deserve to live your best life. Some of us just need a little extra help to get there.

#ADHD #mental health #mental illness

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randum-famdoms · 16 days ago

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Man the jumpscare I got when I saw I’d been mentioned in a post by someone I don’t know lol.

In case you’re still curious, I did in fact get my number by first searching Goncharov and then clicking on the official fandom tag - both while logged in. No filters were used, just the number under the official fandom tag. Also it was on mobile, an iPhone and I’m in America and NOT using a vpn. Idk if that affects anything tho. Sometimes country borders make shit weird.

Here’s a screenshot I took less than a minute ago using the same exact process as when I made my original post. Seems like no new fics have been posted in the fandom tag in a long while.

Also, here’s some proof that no filters were used to make the number smaller:

If I had to guess, then the higher numbers were probably through just slapping Goncharov into the search bar like prev deduced - which while useful for gauging its general levels of cultural awareness and memetic spread/longevity, is not a good gauge for putting the amount of fics in a fandom into relative perspective.

To test this, I have done exactly that. Peer review and all. These screenshots show what it looks like when I simply type Goncharov into the search bar:

You can tell that there are no other filters and I’m not in an official tag or fandom based on the text under search results and the fact that the button below that says “edit your search” and not “filters”.

The number is much higher, and it matches up with the previous higher numbers people have listed. It fits within the projected growth, which I did not calculate but rough estimates are good enough for his bullshit and I should have been asleep over an hour ago; I am not doing more math for this.

The screenshot shows that using this second method fics in completely different fandoms will show up - such as a miraculous ladybug fic, just because Goncharov is tagged despite it not being a Goncharov fic. It’s like if you tried to include people who took adderall at a party one but who don’t have adhd in the statistics for how many college students have adhd just because they took adhd medication one time.

Basically, it completely defeats the point of the Goncharov index - which is meant to compare fic amounts between fandoms. Including other fandoms in the gonch side of the index is literally the opposite of scientific integrity.

Anyway it’s now an hour and a half after I intended to be asleep, so imma go now. This dumb index has made me willingly engage in the scientific method/math late at night twice now and I’m not happy about it. Bye.

people trying to insist a fandom is tiny when it /only/ has a few thousand works on ao3 meanwhile my current fandom is a sixteen book series and has several hundred fewer works than goncharov, a movie that, and i cannot stress this enough, doesn’t even exist

#fuckin GI #I hope there’s a gi doctor that knows about this thing #just cause the pun potential is through the roof #gi in health spheres stands for gastro intenstinal btw #or is it gastric?#idk but somethin about bowels #Goncharov #Goncharov index #gonch index #science side of tumblr

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thelifeoflorna · 2 years ago

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~30/1/2023~ It was a pretty intense and eventful day - had my ADHD assessment in the morning - it was a virtual appointment so didn’t have to travel anywhere - I was feeling quite anxious about it - mainly because of the uncertainty etc, but the dr who did my assessment was really lovely and helped put me at ease - ended up being 2 hours long though (with breaks), which I was longer than expected. The outcome is that I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD - but very much fall on the hyperactive side rather than the inattentive side, which is quite an unusual presentation apparently. I’ve also been diagnosed with tics/Tourette’s, which isn’t a huge concern of mine, but good to have confirmation that my thinking around what is going is correct. The dr was also interested in some of my physical health stuff - suspects I have some characteristics of other possibly rarer types of EDS, which she is going to look into - got to send her some photos of various bodily characteristics (repeatedly trying to reassure the 11-13 year old part that sending someone photos of the veins under my eyes, my earlobes, upper chest and thighs is not someone wanting ‘nudes��!). There’s more to think about than I expected re ADHD medication so am being sent some information, and then will have a follow up appointment in a month’s time to discuss it. Had so much to process couldn’t think of any questions to ask, even though I probably have loads. Felt very overwhelmed and wiped out for the rest of the day. H came in to clean, and was very good - giving me space and quiet to settle. We went to Greggs for lunch, then to the bank, but it was shut and seemed to have fire engines there, which was a bit disconcerting - then to M&S and Tesco Express to do a quick food shop. We took the shopping home. Then after just a 10 min rest, I was back out heading to social care review with AKA and SW - originally thought I was having an appointment with AKA after, but she texted to say we’d do our usual appointment next week, which ngl, was a bit of a relief as was feeling so drained. SW ended up being really late, so late that we weren’t sure if he was actually going to turn up, so was in the room (continued) https://www.instagram.com/p/CoFJpqfqnFDVs5Bv9LBUNRBGietQRe22CP163c0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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catwithangerissues · 4 years ago

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𝐇𝐪 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞.

🌿 Hello! First post since the break baby! V glad to be back. Let’s start it off well, shall we?

-We all are brutally aware of the lack of representation in different fandoms and their writings- and while the Haikyuu fandom has been nothing but good to me personally, I thought making a mini series out of this could be a neat idea. The basic idea is take a hq character and write about the things they would do to help out/cheer up a significant other with a certain condition or disability.

- I marked each of the ones that personally affect me in my day to day life in case you’re interested.

- These are ways the hq characters HELP THEIR SO. This does not mean they treat them differently or lesser than others. Keep that in mind- scrubs.

- This by no means whatsoever fully encompasses what it’s like for any party involved to be in these romantic relationships- however, I do experience some of these conditions in my personal day to day and thought I did pretty well at writing those specifically. This does not mean I didn’t make mistakes in the rest, however. Please leave CONSTRUCTIVE AND NOT BLATANTLY RUDE CRITICISM if that’s the case. I did not intend to offend anybody, so keep that in mind.

Characters: Tendou Satori, Kita Shinsuke, Iwaizumi Hajime, Osamu Miya, Bokuto Koutaro, Hinata Shoyo, Tsukishima Kei, Sugawara Koushi, Suna Rintaro, Kuroo Tetsuro

Genre: Fluff/comfort

Warnings: mentions of blindness, deafness, eating issues, depression, anxiety, chronic migraines, wheelchair use, dyslexia, ADHD, and Insomnia. Established relationships.

- Tendou Satori with a blind significant other consists of his constant singing/humming around the house, or turning random household objects into makeshift instruments to both entertain you, and so you always know where he’s at and therefore doesn’t frighten you with his sudden presence. He reads things to you, usually describing various things you come in contact with in your day to day life that may not be so friendly to the blind. Letting you touch his face or body in order to get a mental image of his features, doing your hair or makeup and even picking an outfit if you ever ask, holding your hand and guiding you when you’re out or if you request it. He tries his best to continue learning new things to help out where he can, and the thought goes a long way. Bb Tendou ily

- *Kita Shinsuke being more than happy to spend quiet time with his deaf significant other, enjoying the process of learning sign language in order to surprise you, and communicate with you. He’s very thankful his grandmother taught him some growing up. He adores leaving love letters on your nightstand to find at random, and his gentle loving touches in the morning bring you to the day unlike an alarm. He enjoys laying you on his chest so you can feel his heartbeat, and always ensures he approaches you from the front, leaving soft touches on your skin as he twirls you around in the kitchen in the late evenings of your days spent together, smiling wide at the happy grin plastered on your face. This man is incredibly smart, and he continues to surprise you with new sweet gestures every single day.

(This one hits extremely close to home, so I apologize if it’s longer than the rest.)

- *Iwaizumi Hajime with a wheelchair bound significant other consists of many things. Like him happily pushing around your chair for as long as you’d like if you use a manual, or holding your hand as you drive around in your electric chair, always remembering to plug it in at night to charge too. He regularly finds extremely wheelchair friendly places to explore or visit, restaurants without stairs and large enough bathrooms and tables to make you comfortable, or parks and entertainment spaces where you can enjoy yourself without needing to worry about different terrain or judgmental strangers. Him always pressing the handicap door button for you, since he agrees that it’s incredibly disrespectful when more able people kick the button with their dirty shoe for seemingly no reason. It’s his willingness to carry you around bridal style all day if you get uncomfortable sitting for so long, or to give you a massage when you’re sore. Him giving you alone time when you request it, (because for some reason people think it’s okay to crowd wheelchair users all the time?), and chewing people out when they think it’s alright to touch your chair without permission. He does so much more, but unfortunately this drabble is getting a bit long. Though I’ll definitely be writing about this more in the future..

- *Osamu Miya is always mindful of his significant others eating issues, offering up healthy meals with portion sizes that your body both needs and enjoys each day. Making sure to text you a reminder to drink enough water when he’s away or working, or bringing you a glass randomly throughout the day while you were busy with your studies or career. He seems to always keep snacks he knows you enjoy in his car and office at work, and he always offers encouraging, honest advice about your progress and just how proud he is of you. 10/10 bb Osamu

- *Bokuto Kotaro with a significant other who struggles with anxiety, and his constant never ending support and reassurance. His strong arms wrapping around you in a big hug when you ask for them, his uncharacteristic whispers, usually of encouragement or funny stories to make you laugh and bring forward that beautiful smile of yours. It’s how he took the time in the beginning of your relationship to really ingrain the signs of your oncoming anxiety attacks into his brain in order to remove you from those situations as seamlessly as possible in the future. It’s his seemingly endless “I found a new thing that could help, baby! Wanna try?” phrases. How he bought weighted blankets and bubble bath in your favorite scent, and tea in your favorite flavor- always keeping them stocked in the house. It’s how he calls Akaashi at times to ask about what he does to help his own anxiety, and how learning about yours transforms his treatment towards his family, friends, and even shy fans who admire the loud boisterous man, but are too scared to approach him for the same reasons. It’s when he crouches down next to a small child and gently holds their hand, quietly telling them that it’s okay to be anxious sometimes and not to worry. (I went off here- oops)

- *Hinata Shoyo always being helpful and loving when it comes to your depression. Encouraging you every day and reassuring you that you’re doing so well. It’s him bringing you glasses of water or snacks throughout the day to ensure you eat and drink enough, and offering to take bubble baths with you and wash your hair if you’d like, since it can be hard for some to motivate themselves to do that with depression. Him helping you with work or studies in order to take some of the load off of you, even with his busy schedule. It’s how he cuddles you at night, if you’re okay with it, and tells you how proud and happy he is to have you in his life. Him being a ball of sunshine that makes you smile everyday, and taking you on dates he knows will bring happiness to your day. (I will be writing more about this soon too!)

- Tsukishima Kei is always helpful when it comes to his significant others dyslexia. Offering to read things for you, or helping to keep track of small details when you request those of him. He’s always there to comfort you when you’re feeling insecure, and he not-so-secretly really enjoys when you ask him to help with your work or studies, even when they have to do strongly with numbers or extensive reading, he enjoys spending the time with you, it feels intimate to him. Similarly, calming you down or comforting you whenever/if ever you become overwhelmed, or reading a book you seemed really interested in to you at night before snuggling up in bed.

- *Sugawara Koushi and his mix of calm and chaotic nature that pairs well with his significant others ADHD. How he’s always helping keep track of ideas and such, or just generally being a good listener. He knows how frustrating it can be to forget something important. He’s always so down for spontaneous shit too. Wanna paint a room at 4am? Let’s go get the paint. Want to bake cookies and learn the basics of guitar while you wait for them to bake? He’s got one around here somewhere. It’s how he’s thankful he chose being a school teacher as a career path, because keeping you on track for work and school/leaving little reminders to do those things becomes second nature for him. As chaotic as he himself is, he’s always there to comfort you when you’re feeling insecure, and reminding you to take your medication if you take any. He enjoys taking you on walks to clear you mind, and often goes out to buy you notebooks and sticky note to write things down for whenever he isn’t there to help you out. Suga bb ily you’re doing great sweetie

- *Suna Rintaro and his significant other with insomnia, finding himself thanking his professional athlete training schedule that keeps his own sleep on track unlike in high school, so he can drag you to bed and hold you close to him whenever you’re struggling to sleep. It’s him learning of all the different things around the house he can do to help, like making sure all the screens in your home have a blue light filter, and ensuring any caffeine or sugar are tucked away into the kitchen cabinets to avoid temptation. It’s him running you a hot bath with lavender or vanilla, and giving you massages when you ask for them, buying fluffy blankets and comfy socks for you occasionally when he’s out. Him being willing to stay awake all night with you until you fall asleep, or taking you out for a late night/early morning walk to the park, and his gentle morning touches that first wake you everyday.

- *Kuroo Tetsuro always being mindful of his significant other with chronic migraines. It’s him turning off all the lights whenever he starts to notice your signs of one coming on, and making as little noise as he possibly can when maneuvering around the house while you’re attempting to sleep one away. It’s how when you wake up he’s giving you massages and bringing you medication with a glass of water, if you take any. How he’s always ready to run you hot baths, or showers if you’d prefer, and making sure to keep the house stocked up on scented/unscented products that won’t aggravate your headache more. It’s him ensuring you eat and drink enough, and bringing you caffeine in the early morning hours to help keep the pain away. Him quietly bringing you hot rags to place over your forehead, and putting blue light filters on all the devices in the house. If they get too bad, he’s driving you to the doctors when needed, or just generally comforting you. His own busy schedule helps in dragging you to bed to get enough rest, and he can’t say he doesn’t enjoy helping you with your work and/or studies- the nerd in him just can’t help it.

🌿 If you guys enjoy this content, I will gladly write more! Please let me know what you think cause this has been racking my brain for a while🥴 I’ll be back to posting regular content soon if you haven’t seen my apology post for my absence/impromptu break for my mental health!

Reblogs are greatly appreciated!

Taglist: @sunalma @toworuu @livy384

Check out my other works!

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aseriesofunfortunatejan · 9 months ago

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I took the test linked in this post.

My relationship to ND diagnoses is complex. I was assessed as autistic at like 3yo but my guardian at the time refused to follow up on getting me diagnosed. I learned that when I was in my mid-teens. I started considering autism an actual possibility for me in my late teens, and equivalent "serious tests as you would take in a medical setting" have told me I'm autistic. And yet, I'm not 100% sure. And I had a very poor experience with my former therapist, which included her claiming I "couldn't have autism" because "she could just see that I didn't". Like on my face.

I know this woman was a terrible therapist who did much worse things to prove it, but some of her diagnoses were accurate. Including the contradictory assessment, a few minutes later, that I have a sensory processing disorder (which is 100% true) (which should be a sign that autism isn't completely out of the question).

I think I only started considering ADHD some time after I turned 18. I didn't really know about it before. I often wonder if it's possible that I have ADHD, autism, or both. ADHD could easily explain some issues that I have that impact my life very negatively. But still, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I took this test. (It's not very long, and there seems to be evidence that it's just an introductory test to take a clearer assessment test.) And though a few questions were strong "yes"s, the majority were a "sometimes". So imagine my surprise when I clicked End and saw this,

(It's the red text for me........)

?????????

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the-farmers-rabbit · 3 years ago

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ADHD: It’s real and serious so please don’t mock it

Some of my friends (neuordivergents like myself) were sharing some cool shirts they found. Ones that were about autism and ADHD which is really cool to see. Then they showed a shirt that said ADHD (but like the ACDC thing). below it, it read “highway to HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL” and to say I got upset is a minor understatement.

For a few months I actually hyperfixated on ADHD, which was really helpful because I was able to learn a lot about the disorder I have and how other people are effected by it. As my understanding of it grew so did my acceptance of it. I stopped hating that part of myself and stopped blaming myself for things that my ADHD was responsible for. I gave it a persona (The ADHD gremlin) which made it easier to cope with it. If I was reading a passage and none of the words sunk in, it wasn’t because I myself was stupid. But it was because the ADHD gremlin was blocking the way. I learned to cope with it by making it a separate being.

Through doing that and through learning about how it actually works compared to a neurotypical brain, I began to understand how complex and, honestly, fascinating ADHD is. Every case is different. Some people have minor cases, making it easy for them to mask. Some people, like myself, have severe cases which, until diagnosed and treated, can lead to severe penalties in school and in life (I almost got put in special ed in elementary school but that’s a different story). And quirks were just as diverse. Some people ramble (like me and my wiggle buddy, @novas-space) other people write. Some people fidget with toys, others doodle, some fiddle. Everyone is different and it’s so amazing to learn about it.

Now, back to the reason I want to make this post. The t-shirt. I have seen a lot of stuff like that with “chase the squirrel”-esc wording and jokes on them. And at first, when I first got diagnosed, I was fine with it. I found it funny even though I can’t relate. But as I’ve gotten older and as I’ve learned more, tested with my medication more, done projects and papers and researched more about ADHD, the more that kind of joke pisses me the fuck off.

Now, i get it. We do get distracted easily. Hell, I’m watching a show while I type this and am checking my discord every few minutes. Yes we get distracted. But I’m not a fucking dog. I don’t see movement on the ground and immediately drop my conversation or my book or whatever I’m doing. I’m not that simple. I’m not that dumb. People with ADHD aren’t dogs that get distracted by the doorbell ringing. We are complex people with actual disorders that, depending on the severity, can severely impair our way of life.

I have spent years, years, of my life, degrading and hating myself for something completely out of my control. I spent days paralyzed by the fear of constant failure, unable to do the thing that i was so afraid of failing. There are times when I am so understimulated that I feel like I’m dying and times where there is so much noise, I have to go to the bathroom and cry because I couldn’t handle it. I am not a fucking dog that you can fake throw a ball for and I’ll fall for it.

I have a disorder I have been diagnosed for and am taking medication to help me survive in a world not at all built for me. This world is built for people who have brains that work correctly and speak in normal tones and understand the deeper meaning behind texts and can crank out a paper in a few hours with ease. It’s built for people that can touch any texture and not feel suddenly nauseous if it’s the wrong texture. It’s built for people who choose to not do something and call me lazy when I physically can’t. It’s built for neurotypicals. It isn’t built for me.

And it took so long for me to come to terms that no, nothing is going to be as easy as it was in elementary school and no, those people can’t hear the lights flickering and no, you can’t change every project topic to something you actually understand because “if you were confused you should have asked”. It has taken me so long to accept that I have ADHD. I have a severe case of ADHD. My brain doesn’t have a proper reward system, I have a hard time interpreting instructions, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast or if I ate at all, and I don’t know what a theme is. And that’s ok.

So when I see something that is marketed for neurodivergents with something like “hey look a squirrel” on it and I get angry, I’m not going to let someone with a correctly functioning frontal lobe to tell me “chill it’s just a joke”. Because no. It isn’t a fucking joke. It’s something that I have to live with and you mocking it and invalidating it makes me upset. It’s my life that I have to survive because of a world built for NTs. So I’m going to get angry when something targeted to me invalidates my entire experience

#adhd #undiagnosed adhd #capitalism #neurodivergent #actually adhd #actually neurodivergent #angry rant

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justsomefluff · 4 years ago

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Hi I have ADHD and sometimes I forget to take my meds which makes me quite hyper, can you do a reaction with ateez where you forgot to take your medicine and is really hyper?

Guess who’s back-back-back again-gain-gain...After a long time because im lazy lmaoooo. Here it is, thank you for being patient my dearest. and please do take your meds its important <3 Keep yourself happy and healthy always anon

ALSO, i do not have ADHD so this is just based off of what I have been told about it or how friends who DO have it have explained things to me. If i offend or misrepresent ANYTHING please let me know. I tried to write this pretty neutrally without a lot of detail on the actual disorder.

Hongjoong:

Kind of oblivious at first

Like “oh they’re a lil fidgety today”

But as the day goes on he’s like

“something is amiss”

You’re moving all over the place, being a lil chatterbox

And he’s gettin a lil suspicious

“Heyyyyyyy,” pretty much clotheslines you as you speed through different rooms because you won’t (read: cant) STOP

“Did yooooouuuuu… take your meds?”

Smiley face. Wink. “No.”

Immediate understands

But begs you to take your medication because you sometimes get embarrassed of your hyperactivity later

Like you feel like you were annoying him or something

and he assures you that you weren’t bothering him, but anxiety be like that so, ya know

Just doesn’t want you to overtire yourself or feel bad late

Seonghwa:

Overprotective

Always asks you if you took your meds in the morning

Likes a routine and wants to make sure youre always happy and healthy

But if he oversleeps and gets thrown off

And therefore does not remind you to take your medicine…

Freaks out a lil

Mini heart attack

Mostly feels bad because he feels responsible

How could he forget to take care of you this way?

Then you have to expend all your extra energy assuring him that even you forget sometimes

But then he starts setting reminders in both of your phones

Will even text you when he’s away for work uwu

Best of intentions…low-key a nag… but Mama Hwa

Yunho:

Will lowkey bask in your hyperactivity

Like AYYYYYYYY

Like he knows its important for you to take your medication but…

Every once in a while he finds it kind of fun

Will take you to dance practice with him even if its his day off

Thinks it will be the only time you will commit to learning an entire choreo with him lmaooooo

Also kind of lets himself go a little bit

Like lets spend the day being crackheads and just expend all of our energy

And then cuddle at the end of the night when, inevitably, we are too exhausted to move

Loves that he gets to see that side of you and gets to share in good memories like those

But still reminds you to take your medicine the day after

Yeosang:

(he’s so cute im over here sobbing)

Honestly, I see him being the slightest bit overwhelmed by it

Like have you seen him when Wooyoung gets hyper

he’s like Whoa, child

Wants to calm you down ever so slightly

Like “be gentle with me, I am but a child”

But will still laugh at your antics

Of course, he loves every part of you

Everything can just kind of be too much for him sometimes lmao

Will take you places and do activities with you until you are both worn out

Will make you take care of him the rest of the night and tease you

Like “look what I have to put up with. You made me walk so much today”

But its gentle and sweet at the same time

San:

Thinks its funny but is actually concerned on the inside

Kind of worried that you might hurt yourself while youre speeding around

Tries to convince you not to wait until tomorrow to take the next dose

Follows you around just waiting to catch you if you slip

Damn near wraps you in bubble wrap when you stub your toe

Like, San… “I can still function, sir”

“But you stubbed your toe”

“Everyone does that sometimes”

Starts to calm down when he realizes that you really are gonna be okay, you’re just going to experience the day a little bit quicker than normal

Twice the speed of the average human

Speedy, he calls you

Squirrel comparisons on the way

Mingi:

Why do I feel like he wouldn’t even notice lmao

He’d just be like “wow, they have a lot of energy today”

Goes about the day normally

At the end of the day, you tell him about everything that you were able to get done

Whether its work, school, cleaning, errands, binging a TV series, or ALL of the above

And he’s like… “how”

And you’re like, well let me tell you about the lil thing I forgot to do this morning

Clueless lmao… “What did you forget?”

��Mah meds.”

“Ohhhhh…”

Then he tries to understand how you managed to do all of those things without your meds

And you’re like… I probably half-assed them but

At least they’re done!

Wooyoung:

Just makes fun of you the whole time

Like lets be real

He’s hyper on his own

And loves seeing you that way because he can relate to it

Also, you do some stuff that might not be the smartest because you’ve got so much energy to expend

“DONT SLIDE DOWN THE HALL IN SOCKS”

Laughs when you fall

Joins you though because, while mildly dangerous…

Looks fun

Never lets you get self-conscious about anything because he is really good at matching your energy the whole day

Is awesome at just letting you work through the day at the pace you feel is right

Somehow manages to keep up with you the entire time, no matter how hard it can be sometimes

Jongho:

Another one who is a little bit overwhelmed

Kind of shy and introverted and quiet in general

So if you get super-duper talkative and loud he might be kind of thrown off his game

Like how do I handle this

How do I be the best boyfriend during this

Overthin-King

Just internally debating whether he should tell you to take your meds, join in on your activities, or just let you ride out the hyperactivity on your own

Spends the entire day thinking about it’

Ends up letting you just do your thing on your own… not that he decided that was the best option

He was just too busy thinking about it to actually make a decision lmao

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wisteria-lodge · 3 years ago

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snake primary + snake secondary (bird model)

Hello! I recently discovered your blog and really love the thought you’ve put into the nuances of the SHC system. I’m super into these kinds of personality analysis systems (I’ve probably been through them all at this point) because I think it’s interesting to know how people tick - I also think self-awareness is important so that you know why you do what you do, essentially. I took the SHC quiz and it told me I was a Snake Primary with a Bird Model, and a Bird Secondary with a Snake Model. I agree that I’m probably a (somewhat petrified) Snake Primary with a strong Bird Model, but I’m not sure which is my true secondary and which is the model. Maybe you can help?

I can sure try :)

Some things about me: I’m an oldest daughter, and I’m almost 100% sure my dad is a Bird Snake and I *idolized* him as a child - I thought he had it all figured out. He was the Zeus to my Athena in my child’s eyes, and I think I got my Bird primary model very early from copying him.

I mean, I know what you mean in a “sole creator” sense, but there is no *way* Athena thought Zeus had it all figured out.

My two younger brothers are a Lion Snake and a Lion Badger, and my mother is possibly a Double Badger, though I’m not as sure about her - maybe she just thinks that she *should* be a Double Badger. I think all that is important to help illustrate that I didn’t really feel *at home* when I was with my family, though I loved them, since I was the only Snake. My parents also had a terrible relationship and are now divorced, so there’s that as well. I think the only time I have ever been truly morally outraged was the revelation that my dad had engaged in infidelity against my mom, and then again when he started dragging his feet over a promise the he had made my youngest brother. We didn’t speak for a long time after that incident, but I was really cut up over dropping him.

Oh yeah. That’s very Snake primary. Morally outraged because your People are getting hurt.

We eventually started to reconcile, and the only reason we did was because he called and said he was driving through my city one day, and even after all of that, I said yes to meeting up because I felt sad that I had dropped him. I think this family dynamic, plus some other childhood stuff, led to me sort of “checking out” and petrifying pretty early.

Just a theory - I think it’s possible that this hit your secondary more than it hit your primary. You seem pretty strong and confident in your Snake primary so far. Even the fact that you can identify it coming from such a non-Snake environment, and don’t feel guilty about it, is big.

I had a lot of trouble making friends in school.

I’m thinking this might be more of a secondary thing.

and generally ended up with like one friend who was the other weird girl, and who I always sort of kept at arm’s length emotionally. I moved schools several times as a kid and after the first best friend (who was the daughter of my mom’s best friend and was like a sister to me until she moved away), I really didn’t try too hard to make new “best” friends.

Hmm. See, this reads like a *default* friend to me, not a friend of choice. The other weird girl. The daughter of your mom’s friend. That’s an easy friend to have… and not one that you necessarily sought out. I’m not surprised that your primary didn’t latch onto her with that Snake intensity.

Even now, though I definitely have concentric circles of loyalty and a significant other who is my “top person”, I’m not sure I have that blind Snake I-would-literally-die-for-you loyalty toward anyone - I’d kill or hide a body for my top circles

That *is* Snake loyalty. Snakes aren’t going to die for someone else, are you kidding? That’s a sucker’s game. They value themselves too much.

I would give up a lot of my own comfort for my significant other. Maybe I’m just afraid to let myself feel that unquestioning loyalty, though I want to feel it, or maybe I’m really a Bird and just want to be a Snake because that would mean I could be un-broken eventually.

Let’s talk about your secondary, I want to hear about how you think you’re broken, because so far you seem fine. Congrats on the SO!

I don’t think I’m an Idealist though - I’m surrounded by them and I know I don’t care about “principles” the way they do. Then again, maybe I’m a Bird whose truth is that moral relativism is the truth lol. Anyway, I think for my primary, I’m probably a petrified Snake with a Bird model unless I’m totally wrong about myself.

I think you’re just a Snake who… is a Snake.

(you’ve got that Birdy influence though, from your dad, and they do like to complicate things.)

As for my secondary, I loved to read (everything - all kinds of fiction, especially sci-fi/fantasy/mystery and, like, Victorian sci-fi/horror adventures, nature books, medical texts, etc. Wikipedia was a revelation when it came out), and I was smart and good at taking tests and knowing the answers in school, so at a certain point I think I just defaulted to being “the smart one” and used that as armor to help keep people from getting too close.

yep yep yep, welcome to the ‘fun Bird model’ club, we have snacks

I do genuinely love to learn, and I’ve always been known among friends and family as the one who either knows the answer or will look it up. I love pop culture trivia and nature facts. I also love and am good at debate, but not really when real feelings are involved - I more love the “battle of wits” aspect, where I can match up against a person to see if my knowledge and ability to adapt my argument on the fly can stump them.

I also would argue the unpopular point, or the point I didn’t agree with, just for sport. Fun Bird secondary model.

I developed terrible anxiety and probably some depression as well in high school.

Okay, now I’m seeing the problem.

and now that I’m older, I suspect that I may have ADHD, though I haven’t been officially assessed. I didn’t discover my executive function issues really until college, when suddenly being smart and being able to figure out the test answers through context clues and what I remembered from lectures and readings + whatever trivia I had gathered about the topic wasn’t enough anymore.

I suspect you’re right about being ADHD. Or at least being neruodivergent.

I am horrible at studying! I would plan out my study sessions and make these nice little cheat sheets (these were allowed on exams) and they didn’t work at all! I did very well in my literature minor though, because all the graded assignments were papers rather than open-answer tests, and I could get my thoughts out better and with more resources at my disposal if I forgot something and needed to go back to the book to check.

Oh ouch. Yeah, I’m not even relating this back to a secondary, because I’m reading this as a working memory thing? Like ugh tests are such a terrible way access knowledge. What is even the *point* of memorization anymore? You should have been able to have a college career that was completely writing papers, like I did.

I was at one point very jealous of my Lion Snake brother, who I felt could do “whatever he wanted” with minimal consequences, while I always felt constrained by being “good” and not rocking the boat too much with my family.

Yep. That’s being an oldest daughter.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to care about being considerate to everyone else in the household (especially my chronically overworked, can’t-say-no Badger mom lol).

It’s because he’s the youngest. Mine’s the same.

This attitude was definitely influenced by my anxiety issues at that time, since I had (and still have) a lot of trouble asking for anything - help, permission, whatever. I’d rather do things and explore on my own, without anyone watching, so I don’t have to ask and don’t have to explain.

Did you low-key raise your younger siblings? Because it sounds like you raised your siblings.

I feel better with a little bit of distance, and definitely wear masks in most situations. I’d say my masks are half conscious and half reactive - I do have some idea of how I’d like to be perceived, but it’s only kind of systematic.

That makes me think Snake or Badger secondary.

I have a few “characters” that I use as touchpoints when I’m going into a new situation, but once I’m there I mostly just act nice and funny and see what happens.

So far I’m going with Badger secondary (be nice and and assume it’ll be fine is very badger) with a fun Bird secondary model, that you can do an Actor Bird thing with. Although liking to “just see what happens” is pretty snake.

The characters are really just costumes I use to give off a certain first impression, although I do really like the costumes and find them fun. I love clothes, makeup, and perfume too, because I enjoy the idea of making multidimensional costumes for different settings. I actually enjoy the mask a lot of the time - I have tattoos that are purposefully in places that I can cover easily, because I enjoy the idea that there’s something under the professional mask that people only know about if I show them. I’m a bit socially awkward I think (I repeat myself and talk a lot), but most people tend to either like me or tolerate me, and I don’t get into a lot of interpersonal conflicts.

Hm. Either Courtier Badger or Snake secondary, fun Bird secondary model. However. Especially after talking about your Actor Bird in such fun, positive, happy language… I am going to call you out for “socially awkward” and “people tolerate me.” Which tells me you don’t have as much faith in your social skill set, and it’s *maybe* a little burnt.

(Also, not to get too armchair psychologist tell-me-about-your-mother, but if your mom has a “chronically overworked, can’t-say-no” Badger secondary… that’s going to affect how you see Badger secondaries.)

Right now I work in a very Badger/Bird workplace, and it’s really a terrible fit, even though I can squeak by enough to fool my superiors into thinking I’m doing a good job.

oh we’ve got some imposter syndrome, that can also be a burnt secondary thing.

It’s all long-term planning and daily maintenance tasks, and I really don’t like it. I change most of my plans partway through, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m really an improvisational secondary at heart, or if I’m truly a Bird that’s just bad at planning for all of the variables.

I’m going to say you’re not a Bird. Making cheat-sheets (which is a very Bird secondary strategy) also did not work, and you feel confined by, not comforted by plans. You’re not a Lion, you enjoy keeping your true self to yourself too much. You could be either a Badger or Snake. And if you really hate daily maintenance tasks… that could be coming from a few places, but it makes me lean Snake.

I love being in situations where I can iterate on a plan, or make a new plan on the fly. I love escape rooms and am pretty good at them; I still get stumped and need hints sometimes, but when I *get* a puzzle, it sort of just clicks for me? I don’t think in a very linear way and am not a good chess player, but I also have never studied chess so perhaps I just am at a knowledge disadvantage in that game.

This is also you using Bird to have fun, and we know you *love* using Bird to have fun.

One of my proudest moments

okay this is definitely going to be helpful

was when I was on a day trip with my significant other, and we needed to find a place to buy food quickly so we wouldn’t miss a specific ferry and then a specific bus - we were on an island, and near the ferry station the restaurants were all too expensive and we were worried they would take too long anyway. He was starting to get frazzled, but I was able to think on my feet, and we just grabbed a calming beer (lol) at a creepy neighborhood bar, then got on the ferry and bought microwave meals at a 7-Eleven by the bus station. It was awesome and I was very proud of myself for staying calm and looking around myself for options.

Well that is VERY Snake secondary.

I generally take a long time making decisions when it’s not a crisis situation, because I have to *weigh all the options*, but I often end up in analysis paralysis. Crunch time is where I really shine as a decision-maker.

Snake again. From what I’m seeing, your Bird is a fantastic toy, but actually kind of makes you miserable when you have to depend on it for the important stuff. (studying, your job, making important decisions)

All of this long post is to say, I’m not sure whether my Bird secondary is a fun model that got repurposed into an executive dysfunction compensation tool and anxiety/depression soother to supplement my Snake secondary

I think you hit the nail straight on the head right there.

or if Bird is my true secondary and Snake is a model that I learned from my dad and brother + characters I admire in media

oh your favorite characters are Snake secondaries are they? That’s a big tell.

and that I use when I fail to plan adequately given my executive dysfunction.

Executive dysfunction is a whole thing, but you don’t have to “”plan adequately”” for everything.

I find both fun and both useful, but I’m not sure which is innate and which is the model!

My money is on snake secondary, Bird secondary model.

#submission #sortinghatchats #wisteria sorts #sortme #double snake #snake primary #snake secondary #bird secondary model #family dynamics

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chicago-geniza · 3 years ago

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well i intended to go for a nice evening walk, ended up having a panic attack, ordering a couple of cocktails at the bougie bar, joining a jam session with a bunch of old hippies on the logan green (one of them gave me a handpainted wooden medallion which seems to be carved out of tree bark, strung on a length of yarn???), met a crustpunk train-hopping dude in town for the month (& his dog, in a leather-studded harness) who's lived in 45/50 states & a 44 yr old guy everyone called "the wizard" wearing a tattered, patch-covered robe who shares most of my parents' conspiracy theories & considers himself a latter-day prophet, he bought us sorbet & ice cream, wound up hanging out with them & staying up all night at their indescribably eclectic, cluttered, blood-spattered (!!!) apartment, belonging to 44 yr old guy's art curator father & decorated accordingly, smoking m*th & listening to music & talking (or rather listening to them rant/rave/recount stories from their incredibly wild lives), i gave them advice on applying for unemployment & medicaid & how to appear compliant enough w/ carceral psychiatric intervention so they won't section you without actually submitting to forced medication or institutionalization, especially if they assign you a case worker & do regular "wellness checks." also how to pass off certain aspects of behavioral dysregulation as executive dysfunction, get them to pay for an adhd evaluation, get an adderall IR scrip, sell the 30 mg pills (cite body weight, high doses of other psych meds as reason for higher dose; look sincere; play to systemic biases toward cis white men, unfortunately), & use the cash to buy m*th, if they'd prefer to keep doing that. you can also pass positive psychotic symptoms--agitation etc.--off as severe anxiety, especially if you have a history of trauma, & they will give you benzodiazepines. it is in their best interest to keep you docile, i.e. tranquilized, particularly if your past convictions & involuntary institutionalizations revolve around a pattern of aggressive behavior, & that's On The Record/there's a paper trail. (e.g. one dude got arrested trying to keep cars away from an injured bird on the road, some genre of raptor i think (???) by threatening them with a shopping cart, not hitting them, but like, running at them as if to collide then feinting at the last minute so they'd swerve out of the way. not the safest or most effective maneuver, lotta reckless endangerment, but the motivation was admirable. probably put the fear of god into some drivers, though. he doesn't seem to have, like, impulse control.) it's a lot easier & you have fewer run-ins with the cops if you game the system & appear cooperative. they gave me this coat, which "just showed up in their apartment one day," like i did. 44 yr old guy walked me back to apartment, stole a street sign & tore down a real estate sign en route, lori lightfoot did indeed take down the pride flag in front of her house on july 1st & replace it with an appropriately patriotic american flag, i walked past the idling plainclothes cop car & another marked police vehicle with their Mayoral Guarding Detail inside at like 4.30 am smoking a menthol cigarette (not inhaling), high on m*th, draped in a neon anime jacket, in the company of a visibly insane, unshaven & unshorn middle-aged man in a technicolor patchwork trenchcoat, holding a lit cigarette in one hand & an upside-down traffic cone in the other, which he was using as an ad hoc amplifier for a noise track playing on my phone. he was also carrying the stolen real estate banner &, inexplicably, a stack of mail. i gave him my old backup phone (no SIM card & doesn't hold a charge long, ancient, but still works), since neither he nor the other dude have phones (cops took them), also one hybrid edible for each of them, as a thanks for the m*th & the kindness. their hearts are in the right place but they have some fucked-up beliefs about "reverse racism" being real, while also saying in the same breath that you can tell our country is irredeemable by the way it continues to

treat black people. we were discussing medical weed for seizures on medicaid & 44 yr old guy mentioned one of his close friends, a black epileptic woman, whose seizures were frequent & severe enough they prevented her from working. then he added, in apparent bemusement, they she hadn't spoken to him in some time, & he wondered why. a little while later he relayed their last conversation & i was like "my dude, i can say with 100% certainty she is not talking to you because you said some *appallingly*, jaw-droppingly racist shit & did not even realize it was racist." then i, comma, a white person, explained to this man that he literally thought of their exchange as, like, an abstract argument over insignificant ideas, a theoretical exercise, & therefore considered it simply a smug gotcha to "counter" hotep theories about egyptian origin by claiming that "if that's true, american slavery & the oppression of black people in america are divine retribution for the enslavement of the jews in ancient egypt, an eye for an eye & a deserved punishment." like, first of all, what the actual fuck, if i were that woman i would also never speak to you again, second of all there's the collapse of historical time & mythical time, history & exegesis, an assumption that rests on spurious claims of biblical literalism (zionist colonization logic, btw! him: what's exegesis? what's zionism? me: never mind, not the point. exegesis is the interpretation of religious texts in a religious CONtext, in this case what you would likely call the hebrew bible.)--but most importantly it is 100% irrelevant to this discussion whether or not black americans are Actually Factually descendended from ancient egypt! you just told this woman to her face that the ancestry she claims, of which she's proud, is the reason & justification for SLAVERY & BLACK SUFFERING--not only that, but that if it WERE true, than black people would DESRVE to suffer, by DIVINE DECREE. you are trying to force her to abdicate her claim on this heritage by putting her in a position where she'd be forced to concede complicity in her people's historical & present-day persecution, oppression, & essentially the existence of structural racism. & using The Figural Jew as a rhetorical cudgel to bludgeon her into this corner. what a despicable thing to say. like, he hadn't considered it from her perspective at all, & once he groked why the comment itself was, like, unforgivable (idk, maybe she's more forgiving; she has a virtue-name), i started socratic-method-ing him through why it was particularly unforgivable for *him* to say to *her*--the individual is not responsible for the systems from they benefit, but they are imbricated in them, they are implicated when they actively perpetuate & uphold them, even with speech acts. & finally gave the same "there is no such thing as reverse racism because racism is not an individual act, it is an institutional, systemic phenomenon, & it is an ideology, one which individual acts can bear out or be in accordance with, & to which individuals can subscribe (this bearing it out in their behavior, in their institutional roles, in their interpersonal interactions--here i gave & solicited examples of each) or be subject (also gave & solicited examples). m*th makes me very good at Explaining clearly & he was surprisingly receptive--like, it was astonishing that it had not occurred to him??? but it hadn't, the same way it hadn't occurred to my mother, & she interpreted it as "reverse racist" when their next-door neighbor called her the "white devil" for disputing their property line, & i had to be like "ok but if you called in a random third party to mediate in lily-white [city], oregon, where white supremacists openly drive down the street in pickup trucks with swastika armbands, whose side do you think they would take, statistically speaking, in your property dispute. that's why racism is systemic & institutional, & your rude neighbor calling you a name over a disagreement does not constitute 'reverse racism,' because 'reverse racism' by definition cannot

exist." now this dude wants to like, read books, so i gotta get him some entry-level Intro To Racism primers??? how did i end up here, but better me than his black epileptic (ex-)friend, i guess??? jesus christ. both of these guys have the most chaotic, reactionary politics in a potpourri with these deep commitments to abolition & mutual aid & a kind of proto-anarchist consciousness, none of which would be called by those names, but all of which is borne out in practice & in the politics of everyday life. they remind me a LOT of my parents. i'm loath to imagine how they'd internalize my stepdad's rambling, street-preacher-style libertarian lectures. probably go out & buy guns & invest in gold on the stock market & double down on the conviction that free speech is being curtailed & individual rights are in jeopardy because you can no longer unleash a barrage of harassment against some guy on the street because you think he looked at you funny. these claustrophobic convictions, like the space to express oneself is getting smaller & smaller every day, *other people* are taking it away from you, suffocating you on all sides with their offense demanding your silence, they are *making* the walls close in--when in fact it's more like a holodeck. you're a member of the Hegemonic Group, afforded the privilege of the default, so you don't question the vast verdant expanse that is your domain--ah, Free Speech, the sun never sets on the empire of ~uncensored expression, you can say whatever you want whenever you want without facing consequences because you control all the organs that mete out consequences & you have also determined that those groups who might be adversely affected by your words--emotionally OR materially--are not, well...of consequence. but of course the vast verdant domain is an illusion, photons & forcefields, held together by the all-encompassing TOTALITY of the dominant group's hegemony, power, etc. once that power begins to redistribute throughout the system--however unevenly, however incrementally, however slowly--as even the smallest pieces are appropriated by those deemed inconsequential, who have endured years of systemic, material, institutional violence that allowed the dominant group to become dominant & retain its dominant position--once those 'inconsequential' groups speak up & say "actually, these words bear an indelible imprint of the violence enacted upon us, these words are the legacy of that violence, these words are a tacit endorsement of the ideology behind that violence, which classifies us as subhuman, & even if *you* can't hear those echoes, the words broadcast on two historical frequencies, so now that we're able to broadcast on a frequency *you* can hear, we request you find other language, & consider the implications of the words you've been using for years." well--once The Subaltern Speaks, the dominant group loses its 'innocence,' & becomes aware the vast verdant expanse of language is an illusion of infinite space, aware of the four holodeck walls pressing in behind the simulacrum of the horizon, & suddenly "what one can say without negative consequences"--largely social, sometimes, rarely, if social media goes viral, professional--feels much more claustrophobic. so they get angry. & some of them are just bigots, obviously, but some of them--like my parents, &, even, this weirdly well-intentioned m*thhead who said one of the most shockingly racist things i've heard in my life & *honestly didn't understand why it was racist*, is really riled up about free speech & individual rights, hates the government, hates "FANG" (facebook amazon netflix google) & has a bunch of dystopian conspiracy theories about data harvesting & personal information that only miss the mark in that they get too nefariously biopolitical (billionaires want to put microchips in everybody for surveillance to monitor our movements & sell us more stuff; they don't need to, they already use our phone location & browsing habits to generate the algorithm & sell the information to ad companies lol, it's digital& cast a

single illuminati figure in the role of comic book villain, controlling the operation behind the scenes like an evil puppetmaster (classic conspiracy fare; again, we gotta take that energy, that suspicion, the understanding that they are being taken advantage of & tricked, the idea that power & capital & resources are concentrated among a very small number of people, however it's not an individual wealthy villain with a desire for world domination who wants to turn Free Americans into microchipped drones, it's a *class* of people--or rather several classes, but *who those people are as individuals does not matter*. if you guillotined bill gates, another billionaire would take his place. bill gates qua bill gates is not the problem. it is classes of people who control the means of production & own property & profit enormously from exploiting the labor of a desperate, rapidly increasing underclass, i.e. from the system as it is. therefore it is in their interest to maintain the status quo, because it serves them. 'the rich get richer, the poor get poorer.' the middle class gradually ceases to exist. if you want to compound it by race, consider the GI bill as an example - you learn about it as the leg up that enabled thousands of WWII vets to buy houses, enabling them to enter the middle class. hundreds of thousands of third-gen middle class white americans still reap the structural, socioeconomic benefits of their grandparents' initial upward mobility, including,, very tangibly, those selfsame houses, which can be inherited & then rented out as a second property if the children or grandchildren accrue enough money to buy their own properties. but only about 100 black vets got approved for homeownership loans, despite the staggering numbers of black soldiers who enlisted & applied through the GI bill. anyway! the impulses are there, & they're only being funneled into conspiracy thinking because that makes intuitive sense on a narrative level. these guys have a high school education; so does my stepdad. their reading habits are...eclectic, sporadic, pretty much dictated by occasional recommendations & like, little free libraries around the neighborhood. it's both interesting & frustrating to see like - hey, here are these people, we agree on a lot of things, they're earnest & open & want to learn & would give their neighbor the shirt off their backs as a matter of principle. they'd give a *stranger* the shirt off their backs; they'd share whatever they had. even what chores there are in their collective--they live with two other guys--(dumpster diving, walking the dog, tidying up the apartment) are allocated by ability & inclination. they made advance plans to look after the dog & their roommate with War PTSD on the 4th of july if the fireworks upset them, jokingly called the dog an emotional support animal. you give them the tools, the reading, talk to them like normal people with a stake in society--like, imagine a society that would have a stake in people like you instead of criminalizing you & consigning you to the margins! that's already *political imagination* because anyone who occupies a marginalized position will have their existence politicized, whether they want this or not, so better to become a self-aware, self-reflexive political subject, no?--talk *with* them because tbh i am them, i'm just better at situational masking & also i am very very afraid of cops so i only damage property in groups during planned political actions (not spontaneously, because i feel a flash of rage at my neighborhood gentrifying, & simply do not have a superego, so i tear down the real estate sign for the fancy new apartment complex in a fit of pique, because in this house we believe that spontaneity can & should be developed into class consciousness, again, the seeds of which are there in the initial trigger for the spontaneous reaction, i.e. anger at gentrification. not opposed to a little direct action, but they're just gonna put up a new sign tomorrow, it doesn't advance your agenda or hinder the gentrifiers' progress. now, if

you sabotaged the construction site for the new apartment buildings & painted a few potent symbols + graffiti'd a pithy, written statement expressing your opposition to gentrification generally & these apartments specifically? in a prominent place, large font, eye level, visible & legible from oh, a block away? maybe as a member of a collective, your neighbors, perhaps? & you could sign it "[neighborhood] or [block] residents" to pack more of a punch, the power of a crowd speaking in unison to say "not OUR home, you predatory developers"? that's no longer spontaneous, impulsive, affective violence, & it's also no longer an individual--acting alone leaves you vulnerable. again--i didn't just *intuit* that he tore the sign down because he was mad about gentrification, i asked, in a genuinely curious tone, not at all accusatory, no hint of reprimand or censure, just...interested, "why did you do that?" & he was like "it made me fucking mad." & i was like "what about it made you mad? the apartments? how come?" & he thought about it for a minute & explained. i'm not sure *he* necessarily made the conscious connection until prompted. idk, i know people talk a lot about the fact that breitbart & drudge report are free while NYT & "all the news fit to print" is paywalled, & q-pilled covid hoax sites are free while "reputable" pandemic coverage & public health guidelines & explanations of mRNA vaccines for a lay audience are paywalled & that's true but also We Live In A Society & if you talk to the wingnuts who AREN'T that way because of any far-right ideology, a lot of them are just...autodidacts without much formal education but a lot of raw intelligence that leads to analyzing The Big Picture & trying to deduce a pattern, find a framework that explains why the world is the way it is, profoundly frustrated, deeply aware of American society's, universalized & figured as the world's, exceptional unfairness & cruelty, & *that can be redirected* with reading, discussion, prompting critical thought, introducing community connections, & perhaps most importantly for this genre of person, getting them to see patterns at work in terms of systems & structures rather than individuals, letting go of American individualism's explanatory power & belief in its liberatory potential (see: the sort of ad hoc libertarianism that goes hand-in-glove with much conspiracy thinking, both stemming from 1) mistrusting the government, & 2) ultimate freedom of the individual as the most sacred value, therefore it is what all enemies want to take away), outlining positive, actionable goals rather than just ambient suspicion & anger at authority, & figuring out how those goals can be accomplished more effectively by an organized collective (but this will ultimately benefit the individual). If the world isn't run by a shadowy cabal, if you begin to understand the structures responsible & how they manifest even on the scale of your block (e.g.!!! predatory developers buying up properties during a pandemic, tearing down affordable housing to build expensive condos on the lot, or giving old buildings a "spit and polish" so they can double the rent, pricing all the current residents out, not to mention all the little local businesses, almost all mexican & run by the mexican families who live here, that give our block its culture & will get pushed out by boutique coffee shops & the like, catering to a more affluent & almost certainly whiter clientele)--you can, in fact, change the world, something both of them repeatedly referred to as their purpose on earth. it may not be as a maverick figure, one against an army, but strength in numbers is an aphorism for a reason.

anyway! thse guys were also really weird about jews, in the philosemitic way conspiracy theorists of a certain stripe often are. the itinerant vagabond guy gave me one of his drawings; it's really lovely. i'm going to give them "are prisons obsolete?" & "the wretched of the earth" & some david graeber. 44 yr old guy has this idea that society is atomized & people aren't connected to each other & have lost the willingness or the ability to communicate with each other, also that the overreach of authority has driven some people to violence, & that makes the world feel unsafe to everyone else. he feels guilty because he is acutely aware that language, when wielded adroitly & intentionally, always has the capacity to manipulate; he is afraid of succumbing to the temptation, because he senses the coercive power of language within himself. the other guy was mostly quiet but said 44 yr old guy is one of the best friends he's ever had. he thinks animals are able to sense emotions and to heal, & he thinks they can mediate between people who have become too isolated, who have forgotten humans' innate ability to forge connections, approach others as social creatures seeking to bond instead of mistrustful, apprehensive, rejecting overtures of friendship because they expect subterfuge, or propriety has evolved to deem such overtures inappropriate outside of strictly delineated, artificially orchestrated contexts. deviation from the norm is not permitted. & back again to policing. they have an idea called "the omega family," omega for the end, a group of like-minded people who come together, who encounter each other serendipitously (predicted through auspicious auguries & recognized on sight through a constellation of signs & wonders, because of course we are all psychotic here, it was nice to just be psychotic & discuss these things like they were normal lol), & serve as catalysts to each other's "personal truth." anyway this is why i don't go out when i'm crazy, i always end up in situations like this, see also: the last time i did m*th, in a pizza hut bathroom in tallinn with an art student from glascow named muhammad ali (he went by ali), the son of white muslim converts--we thought it was c*ke but it got lost in translation & that's how i figured out i had adhd. later i got [redacted] by a filmmaker from kazan & he gave me his business card afterward for some reason, which was extremely funny. thankfully these dudes were better behaved. one of them even gave a speech about how men shouldn't rape people??? & also how our society shouldn't construct women as universal victims because in doing so it makes victimhood almost compulsory & shoehorns women into a victim role as part & parcel of womanhood? i was like yes my dude you are almost there, read the essay "abject feminism." (i did not tell them i was trans bc i wasn't sure how that would shake down, to be honest; couldn't get a read on it. did tell them i was gay & they respected it, though one did say he dated a lesbian once, & i explained that many men feel compelled to interject with an anecdote relating an exception to the rule or insist that they will he the exception to the rule, & it's really just bad manners, not even getting into the bad politics. he took it on the chin & talked about how the girl in question came home to find her partner dead of an overdose & his wife had just died of MS, so their relationship was more about grief & comfort than sexual attraction. i was like that's really, really sad, & it's wonderful that you were able to be there for each other at a time of such staggering loss, & i am a person who totally understands what you mean to communicate, but if a lesbian tells you they're a lesbian & you reply that you once dated a lesbian & they get offended & instead of responding with contrition or correction you elaborate on the tragic backstory of the relationship as though that explains the circumstances in which a self-proclaimed lesbian would date a cis man, other lesbians *will* deck you, or at the very least not take you, an unwashed white guy in

his 40s who isn't neurotypical & sits way too close for social convention in a way that could easily be construed as a come-on, in good faith.) tl;dr made some new friends, did some good drügs (i much prefer smoking m*th to snorting it, basically like purer, more potent adderall, & as such will not be doing it again for a LONG time, because i enjoy it FAR too much; slices through the brain fog & the chronic fatigue & the joint/bone pain, makes me able to pay attention, follow the thread of a conversation, actually be *interested* & want to ask *questions* & expand, build, encourage my interlocutor to elaborate, place more kal-toh pieces until the conversation shimmers into a three-dimensional shape, instead of being listless & exhausted & disengaged & *bored* all the time, so obviously i would get addicted immediately if given the opportunity, & i've known this forever lol)--now going to hydrate, refill pill case, write some emails, & meet C at the beach! not how i expected to reboot my brain, but it works! also putting them on limited facebook view because i try to keep some groups of people in my life quarantined from each other & that includes 1) my relatives & my academic ~colleagues (ne'er the twain shall meet), 2) my exes & my family, 3) my relatives, colleagues, & uh. a couple of lovely, but extremely psychotic dudes with very long criminal records i met while doing hard drugs

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lavenderek · 4 years ago

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I Know What It's Like To Be A Difficult Person: an introspective

i rewatched a recent unhhh yesterday where someone asked trixie and katya how to deal with their annoying coworker before they flipped out on them. and trixie said, sympathetic of the annoying coworker, "annoying people don't know they're annoying. from their perspective their coworker just snapped at them one day." and i felt seen.

like ten years ago, i used to be facebook friends with this friend of a friend, and sometimes i would comment on her posts with goofy jokes just trying to be tongue in cheek, and she would usually like my comments or reply laughing

and one day i was at work and got a notification: one of her friends replied to a comment i had made fully like, "okay what is your problem? you always leave the meanest rudest comments on her posts and i'm sick of it, if you don't like her why are you still facebook friends with her, you need to stop"

you guys when i tell you i was blindsided. it was like someone had punched me in the gut. i don't at all remember any of the comments i made because it was a decade ago but also because i wasn't thinking about them as i made them, they were just funny offhand comments to me.

i responded apologizing and saying i had no idea i was coming across that way and promising i wouldn't comment anymore, like at the time i didn't know what else to do. and i remember she DMed me like "i'm sorry about him i didn't know he was going to say that, you don't have to stop commenting." and i answered saying it was ok, i didn't realize i was upsetting people, or something. but i still never did comment again, and she never brought it up again, and eventually i ended up unfriending her anyway lol

like i really had thought we were cool, i really thought it was a fun bantery thing. and like i said, i don't remember my comments but i do remember exactly where i was standing when i saw what he'd said. i still remember feeling the air sucked out of my lungs and i remember going into the bathroom at work and crying about it. i had never even wondered, i had never suspected for a second that anyone would be bothered by my comments. the thought had never crossed my mind.

real quick disclaimer: every time i say something on here about a memory i have, somebody shows up in my asks thinking i've been dwelling on and weeping over it for years, so: (1) it was a long time ago and i'm not upset about it, (2) i know "it's hard to judge blah blah blah through the internet," (3) i'm not really worried about what these people think of me, (4) i don't even remember their names.

i'm just thinking about how easy it is to make an enemy lmao. you come across like a dick and now somebody hates your guts. you can find out that someone you thought you were pals with has been venting about you to their other friends for fucking months (has happened to me more than once). i'm really not still upset about that facebook thing but i'd be lying if i said it didn't rock me to my core lmfao, it really changed me. i spent the next ten years trying to figure out how to tell if somebody secretly doesn't like me. i haven't figured it out yet but i have picked up some tips

like six years ago i had a friend i had thought i was super close to suddenly send me like two paragraphs listing my various transgressions, and i apologized, and she was like "it's ok, i got really worked up there, i understand if you don't want to be friends anymore." which, here's one of my hot tips, MEANT "now that i've blown up at you we can finally part ways," but which i took at face fuckin value and i said "no it's ok, you were just being honest," and my clown ass kept trying to be her friend and fix this accused behavior for months. and no, her ignoring my texts for longer periods of time did not clue me in. sorry [redacted]! (also i'm medicated now, so some of your concerns have been addressed, you have my number)

i even found out two years ago that one of my coworkers who i had never spoken to hated me specifically because one time i had been pulled into a meeting right when it was our team's turn to clean the kitchenette and she thought i'd just blown it off akhfksj. hated me. confirmed when i made friends with one of her friends. hated me. two years ago. i'm a grown person with a grown up office job. you never grow out of bizarre personal conflicts, you just learn to be like "welp" and reach a point where it doesn't hurt so much as confuse you lmfao

the morals of this post are the following:

annoying people don't know they're annoying

people with adhd can't read between your weird lines

if somebody lists all the reasons you have been a bad friend and then doesn't respond to your texts for three days, they're not just mad at you, that was them trying to break up with you lmfao

dealing with other people will always be difficult, but it won't always be devastating when it doesn't work out

also for this reason watching cracker in the last allstars was weirdly triggering to me lmfao everybody was like "is miz cracker playing mind games 🤔 " no dingdong she just said something she shouldn't have and wasn't able to change anyone's minds for the rest of the show please try assuming the best about people for two (2) seconds

#diary post

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