#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[xiii-e]

//ooc posting: I NEED to find more fun/silly things to do with my two they are Not meant to be all agony all the time I swear- I just have a penchant for the dramatic and they're a little in the torment nexus o(-< but on god they will Have Fun too

[genderkoolaid]

some misc thoughts on child abuse and adultism/ageism:

in House M.D 2x16, the patient is a disabled teenage girl, melinda. she's had multiple life-threatening allergic reactions, the last of which led to a car accident which resulted in her needing a heart transplant. her mother is shown to be extremely protective of her (not allowing her to attend public school, not letting her go outside, restricting who can visit her) and this is a major issue in her and her daughter's relationship.

about halfway through the episode, melinda goes missing from her room. one member of houses' team, foreman, realizes she is trying to get outside and went to the roof. he finds her sitting in the stairwell, distressed. melinda reveals that her mother was always extremely controlling over her- the point of not allowing her to do seemingly any after-school activities- long before she got sick, and that her daughter's heart transplant "gave her what she always wanted." foreman responds by saying that, because of her current illness, it's "an insane time to criticize your mom for being overprotective."

melinda expresses that her mother's abusive behavior has now been retroactively justified by her disability; she is seen as "insane" for being distressed by what is clearly a life of restricted autonomy. the scene ends with a line that has stuck with me since seeing it: melinda looks up at the stairwell and says softly, "i didn't even try to get outside. i was too scared."

the actual plot of the episode isn't the point. the point is that we tend to view "children abused by foreign adults" and "children abused by their parents" as two separate categories with opposing needs. children being taken advantage of by strangers should have been monitored and restricted. like the mother in the episode, the parent assumes that being more protective = the child being more safe. the correct way to handle child abuse is parental vigilance. sure, maybe this behavior encourages some abusive parents (who are probably the minority anyways, because I would never abuse my child!), but that's just the price we pay for making sure the other children are safe?

what i think this episode shows- accidentally, seeing how they never actually take melinda's abuse seriously- is how you can be fucked over twice. a child who is being abused by someone online can also be abused by their parent- are probably even more likely to experience that because of an abusive home. and then, if that outside abuse is realized by the parent, it retroactively justifies their behavior. it proves not just to them but the adult world that controlling behavior is rational and helpful- clearly, the abuse was caused because they didn't control enough.

and in both the episode and this hypothetical, the parent's reaction- while it may include genuine feelings of love- also comes across as being more distressed over the violation of one's possession than being distressed on another person's behalf. the child is an extension of you, and thus any desires it has that conflicts against your own are like an autoimmune disease. something to be shut down as fast as possible. vulnerable children, abused children, the "sympathy" given to them is a double-edged sword because as soon as you aren't the quiet, docile creature who agrees with whatever the adults say, you are crazy and ungrateful and "don't you realize we just want what's best? look at what happened to you!"

[i-am-countess-olivia]

This isn't some novel thought, but for me Fitzier begins in ep2, when Silna's father is brought onto Erebus

(a long-ish, GIF-heavy scene breakdown follows)

I won't cover the violations of Silna's beliefs, feelings and bodily autonomy which happen in these moments - they are of course terrible and very important. Instead, I want to focus on how the scene kicks off a new dynamic between Francis and James, how it lays a foundation for their subsequent closeness and how it changes our view of who James might be as a person.

Let’s begin.

Sir John and James arrive in the sick bay to join Stanley and Goodsir. Stanley says: "nope, not touching this one". Goodsir asks for leave to save the shaman's life. Franklin, already looking deeply disturbed by what's happening, hesitantly agrees.

Francis arrives. The operating table divides him from Franklin, Stanley and James — he is literally not on their side. All three men glare up at him as one: How is this maudlin MF going to make this horrible situation worse for us?

But while the three of them just stand there, Francis puts himself in charge. With a bit of help from McDonald, he takes hold of a distraught Silna and tries to explain what is happening, who they are, that they're not trying to do harm. It is in this moment that James becomes the only one on the opposite side of the table to step forward (to help Francis control the situation or at least to do something). He looks compelled to action but cannot act.

Okay... so here we see that maybe this guy isn't just Franklin's poodle (we saw a bit of that earlier in the episode - more on that later).

Meanwhile Franklin, as soon as Francis takes control, BUGGERS OFF. Of course this can be justified by him already having given his orders and no longer needing to be involved, but we know that a) he sneaks off when the situation is clearly fraught and Francis is clearly better suited to handle it, knowing Inuktitut among other things and b) he actually ends up hiding out in his cabin, freaking out while listening to the howls of the dying man. This is too strange, too awful for him. Not to mention: oh god, I'm stuck in the ice, I've just lost a lieutenant, I keep losing men, what are they going to think of me?

While Sir John is off having a lil meltdown.... James' eyes are firmly on Francis.

We don't even see him acknowledge his captain's departure.

But why is James there? The obvious answer is: to report back to Sir John, to make sure things don't get weird and that Francis doesn't do anything stupid on THEIR ship. After all, let's remember the last scene before this one where James is focused on Francis:

Here he was describing Francis as if he's got him pegged: he's a disappointed man, Sir John, he was no one's first choice etc etc.

I know what he is. Do you now, James?

(interesting framing the above scene, btw - James standing, active, Sir John focused on his creature comfort, the pipe, and questioning himself. James speaking in firm tones to his commander: "I will not allow..." — James is literally being reframed as a leader.)

Anyway, back to where we were.

While Goodsir sets about trying to remove the shot, we get a little glimpse of James: he looks frozen, uneasy, swaying in to stare at the wound (Oh Tobias, the actor that you are). Can we say flashbacks to the Chinese sniper? This must be seriously triggering for him. Something is shifting.

(Another aside: James is standing next to Stanley, the man who dug out the shot when he was hit by the sniper. That same man is now refusing to help. Hm.)

Next, Goodsir says: I can't save this man. Here something important happens: James and Francis share a look.

This is Francis, for the first time, acknowledging not just James still being in the bay at all — but that the two of them are in this moment together! Francis' eyes saying to James: I'm about to tell this woman her father is going to die and James acknowledging in return how awful that is. He presses his mouth, drops his eyes.

The little flash of connection doesn't last. When Silna starts to plead with her dying father, James once again reaches out across the table to Francis: what is she saying? But it's maybe too pushy, too "I need to be told what's going on" so Francis ignores him and it's McDonald who answers.

Next, Silna launches herself at her dying father. Here, once again, James tries to take an active role, to "help" by following Francis' cues on what to do.

James has been watching, learning, asking questions and now looks desperate to be part of the solution to this awful situation: to be in this with Francis. Look how similar their gestures are, how James looks to Francis for direction.

---

STOP - DOOM HAMMER TIME

The VERY first scene in which Francis and James become partners, take action together to keep something from happening, they effectively set in motion one of the biggest causes of their doom: Silna's father doesn't die as he should, Tuunbaq is not bound to anyone. Oh man. That's a whole other essay.

---

(Back to the scene....)

While they're wrestling with Silna, James, clearly emotional and upset by what is taking place, reaches out again, perhaps this time more sincerely: Look at me, Francis, I'm trying to help, at least tell me what's happening? This time Francis acknowledges him — actually SPEAKS to him for the first time.

In response, James looks particularly vulnerable and distraught.

Silna's father dies. We see how different James' reaction is to Francis'. Poor James. Maybe he wants a little bit more from Francis in that moment, one more shared look. Francis doesn't give it to him.

Aaaaaand here we are, it's almost over. Franklin swans in, the really bad, bloody stuff having already been dealt with. He re-asserts his command by giving an order to James to escort Silna off the ship. James… doesn't exactly spring into action. In fact, he doesn't even acknowledge the order verbally, unlike Stanley. What's going on in his head? What does he think about Francis in that moment?

Anyway, let's wrap up.

So much of this scene is about the shift in James’ perception of Francis. He suddenly sees a man who is hands-on, who can take charge, who doesn't walk away from a terrible and unusual situation, even when it's clear there's no good outcome. And of course he knows Sir John skipped off at first opportunity.

Francis, meanwhile, only briefly appears to acknowledge James —but only as far as we can see. Francis of course knows that James was there, that he stayed behind, that he tried to help, that he tried to understand.

This knowledge and this changed dynamic become apparent immediately, in the very next scene.

LOOK HOW THEY ARE FRAMED!!!

Sir John is already receding into the background. James and Francis sit — still opposite sides of a table but in essentially the same pose. They are partners, mirrors, leaning into each other. The few glances here, small as they are, are NOT at Sir John, but between James and Francis.

Anyway, here you go, that's me done. I fucking love this show.

[theiasthesis]

Shifting can be escapism, and that's OK.

Im going to give you a valuable lesson, so stick to the post, dont skip because every word is important. Don't let that small attention span get to you baby, remember that knowledge is power.

My name is Willow! I'm a non-dualist reality shifter, shifting coach and subliminal creator who's a freak for the multiverse and knowledge. Everything I say on here is based on my own personal experiences and research.

This post can help you with:

Escapism, guilt for shifting, realising you're worthy of shifting.

The self determination theory (SDT) is a psychological theory of motivation. It focuses on the degree to which specific human behaviour is for the self ; self motivated and self determined

Basically, what exactly is it that a human being can do, that isn't manipulated by outside influence, but rather their own human nature?

According to the theory these are 3 self motivated human behaviours:

Autonomy

Having the freedom to decide your actions without outside influence.

Example: Being able to go out with your friends, without your parents restricting you.

Competence

The ability to do something effectively and be useful.

Example: You're a very useful employee at your company, this means you are competent for your job.

Relatedness

Being connected or related to someone, or something.

Example: Having a connection with family or friends

OK, so how does any of this apply to shifting and escapism?

When you lack one of any of these 3 behaviours or feelings, this is a disruption your human nature. Naturally by birth, you are within your birth right to recieve all of this.

Each of these behaviours, have extreme importance in your cognitive behaviour

- Cognitive behaviors are thoughts, ideas, and representations of yourself to others.

If you don't have the will or ability to control your actions independently, you are most likely going to feel stuck, and like everything is out of your control. Doing things that make you happy and activities you find meaningful, will become an issue due to your lack of autonomy.

If you don't feel competent in areas of your life, or people aren't competent when it comes to you, this can create low self esteem and a bad self concept, you may think of yourself as "worthless" "useless" or "incompetent"

You may feel less motivated to taking on new challenges and activities, as you feel like you're just going to fail, and mess everything up anyways.

Connection is what makes us human, love and empathy towards overs and receiving it, is what makes human life so special. Relatedness, is what you need to experience caring relationships, to be part of a community, and overall to feel love. Humans need love, that is a fact.

When these basic needs aren't met, a human being can lack the motivation to commit to any one of these factors, which take up a huge part in life.

Lacking these can make you feel, stressed, anxious, self loath and nihilistic.

When you don't have these 3 factors, this causes a lack of motivation to commit to them, which means you don't have them.

So you turn to something else, escapism.

"Escapism is the tendency to distract oneself from real-life problems. It can also be conceived as shutting meanings out of one's mind and freeing oneself from self-awareness for a while . Escapism has been identified as one of the key drivers behind online behaviors, in both adaptive and maladaptive ways"

- PubMed Central®

Link to study

Think of escapism like touching a hot stove. Imagine you place your hand upon a stove. At first its cold, and you're fine.

Then the temperature starts to slowly rise, its currently warm, its still fine you can deal with it. Now, it's getting hotter, and hotter, and hotter...

And you remove your hand.

Not on purpose, but by instinct.

By reflex, your hand immediately moved away from the stove once it got too hot.

Your nervous system felt the pain, which sent a signal to the brain, that something with your hand is wrong.

Biology isn't my strong suit I fear.

Another example.

You're in immediate danger, there's a tsunami coming your way, it's too big for you to face, if you stay where you are, you're going to get crushed by the water, and die on impact. So what do you do?

You run.

Naturally you escape from the dangerous situation, because who in their right mind would test their luck and try to survive a tsunami?

Are you getting it?

When human beings are faced with a situation that is uncomfortable, causes mental, or physical harm, or even death, their first response is to escape.

It is human nature to run, to escape, to not face the dangerous situation. Sometimes it can be a bad move, like ditching a daye you were nervous for, other times it could be skipping school because you constantly run into a group of serious bullies.

Repeat after me.

If you are in a situation where you do not feel loved, worthy, or free, you are allowed to escape.

You are allowed to escape.

Empathise on that baby, nobody is going to tell you off for it.

However, you must be weary of using shifting as escapism.

Shifting is a wonderful phenomenon, it is not something that determines whether you live or not. It doesn't determine your worth either, nor is it something that causes you psychological stress.

If you find yourself having suicidal or self harming thoughts, with shifting as a way to mend these thoughts, I beg of you to take a step back and evaluate these thoughts of yours.

Shifting is a journey, I preach that it's something that can be done on the first go, but that isn't the case for everybody.

It can be as short or as long as you make it, failure in shifting when using it as an escape from serious issues, is a one way road to psychological distress.

With that, I ask that you first deal with your mental health, before anything else.

Find something that makes you feel good and grounded, something you enjoy.

Please remember, that not everything is something you must be good at, if it came from you it's already perfect.

Meditation, painting, dancing, listening to music, writing, exercise. Anything and everything that makes you feel good, nothing is too silly, nobody is going to think you're weird or bad at doing something you love to do.

I found that talking out loud, writing in my journal, mediation and watching anime helped me a lot when I had "life impacting plans" connected to shifting.

LESSON SUMMARY

1. It is natural for human beings to run away when they are faced in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation

2. Shifting being used to run away from a bad situation, isn't negative. It only becomes negative once you prioritise it over your own health

3. Your mental and physical health always comes first before shifting

4. You deserve to be loved, to feel worthy, to not be let down, and to be free, whether that's through shifting or not!

[letternotekisses]

idk if you have much interest in ow content, but i’m knee deep in it rn 💀💀 i was wondering if you’d want to share your thoughts/headcannons on any characters and wether they prefer to top/bottom or if they’re into it; dom/sub

if not, it’s ok!! love u anyways ♥️♥️♥️

-🏺

(i found a pretty rock at the job site today. i kept it; very venture coded)

Doomfist, in my opinion, is almost strictly a top. But I'm putting a little emphasis on almost because I think he that might let you on top if you earn it from him. Show enough bravery to take him on in a sparring match and actually manage to pin his back to the mat? He's making sure that you feel how hard he is through the imprint of his trousers.

Don't let up once you're up there though, show any sign of exhaustion and he zeroes in like a wolf to a hare. His metaphorical jaws hovering around the delicate, timid and trembling flesh of your neck - finding that vulnerability and striking. Snapping his hips upwards to fuck into you with enough force that you collapse to his chest and leave an opening for him to get a good grip on you with the gauntlet.

Akande knows that he's bigger, stronger, meaner. Could probably use you like a fleshlight and it turns him on. A lot.

Moira - to me - is held in a similar fashion except there's usually no deviation from topping to begin with. She knows who's really in control here, but it's awfully fun to watch you try and fuck yourself back onto the strap in an act of bratty defiance.

She's mean about it, too. Pulling out to fuck you on her fingers instead seeing as you want to go ahead and misbehave. All too pleased when you soon start whining for her forgiveness, good - it means you know who holds all the power.

Very much likes to be in control - of you, your autonomy and the situation itself. Moira feeds from that power, and you're just a soft bodied goldmine for her to sink her teeth into.

Reinhardt in my mind can go one of two ways. He's an older man with plenty of experience under his belt, both in battle and life's intimacies. He's not only critically aware of his size but his strength, too. He can bruise your hips just by gripping slightly too hard, make you walk a little funny for a few days if he gets too into it and so much more.

Which is why on most occasions he's happy to let you have your fun, to let you seat yourself as comfortably as you like, whether it be his face or his fat cock. He's ever the chivalrous one, letting you ride him at your own pace and length until your legs ache, curling his meaty fingers into the sheets to stop himself from simply reaching out and grabbing you. It would be impolite. But by god does he want to manhandle you somedays.

Definitely has a few dirty secrets though, and he almost feels guilty for it - Reinhardt doesn't want you to know him as just a dirty old man.

(Breeding kink, for one - to cum inside you, spread your trembling thighs and watch it leak out with the promise of the huge, hearty family he's always wanted.)

P.s I always play and remain interested in overwatch and it’s characters, but my motivation to write for it is often the one that wavers. I get a lot of asks for it along the lines of 'hanzo pls' or 'something with ___' which is, yk fine, but it sometimes kills my motivation to write :(

I absolutely love being presented with actual prompts or ideas that I can get stuck into, so I was very happy to do this for you beloved anon! Sorry for my mini rant, love you loads and feel free to show me this rock you've found <3

[rei-ismyname]

Emma and Cyclops try to break up

*Record scratch* Lovely to see these crazy kids kissing passionately (though I wish Scott was the one dipping) but how did they get here? No more secrets.

The Dark Reign of Norman Osborn has ended and Utopia is saved! It took a lot out of everyone to get that W, and Emma and Scott are feeling it. In part due to playing the role of villain and double agent, she leaves a breakup note on their bedside table and packs her bags. Scott reads enough to realise she's leaving out of shame and runs to find her. She couldn't do it. He's pretty fucked up too, carrying a lot of guilt. They both have a lot to confess. Seeecrets.

I think Scott has an idea of what she's going to say. My read is that he wants to lay his sins bare first in an act of total honesty and to establish the challenging situation they're in - together. Fixing up the power imbalance like a see-saw so they're having the conversation as equals. They enter a psychic space inside Scott's head, and there's always been one locked off section nobody else can enter. The man has seriously strong psychic defences, helped by both Jean and Emma. It does reflexively annoy me that he talks over her and makes it about him (Logan Behavior) but you can be the judge of whether he's justified.

Emma shares what the last few months have been like for her - a supervillain convention with some of the worst people around plus Namor and Loki. I think she's being a little hard on herself, but honestly, Scott doesn't care.

She's ashamed and sorry but Scott skips forgiveness and goes straight to 'I love you.' He doesn't even care that she banged Tony Stark and Namor. Emma thinks she's ruined everything and Scott disagrees. Not sure how much of a factor his own guilt plays, but he stuck by Jean when she did a casual genocide. When Scott loves, he loves hard.

Emma thinks that he keeps Jean feelings in the black box, but it's not that. It's his deepest secrets and shames, partitioned away so he can function. Needing to tell someone and wanting to be transparent with Emma, he opens it up. Seeecrets.

X-Force is in there - the permanent solution to threats against mutant safety. It's an idea that goes against everything Xavier ever dreamed, but this isn't a time for dreamers. Worse, by his estimation, he didn't do any of it himself. He kept his hands clean by delegating to the killers.

Scott still values the dream, interestingly, but not as a way to live. It's a symbol and the hope that things can be better, it binds mutants together. Others value it uncritically, and Scott thinks that's a good thing. Let them dream while he shreds his morals to keep them safe. He's ashamed but he isn't sorry. Emma is right that he is responsible for the lives of everyone on the island, who would have died several times over without him.

Personally, I think the X-Men genre conventions justify proactivity. Otherwise they're just sitting around waiting to be attacked by the same bad faith actors each time. How many buses do they have to blow up before you go after them? Especially when the state considers you second class citizens and won't protect you, if they're not the ones doing the killing themselves. Hell yeah there's going to be guilt and shame running a secret kill squad, but when so many entities are constantly trying to kill you what can you do?

Emma's turn, and she's going deep. Dredging up all her sins and failures. She's ashamed of how she treated Laura, and it wasn't nice at all. I give her some leeway for it being a fraught situation with duty of care, but even then there were better ways to handle it. It was a very human response, but it was a mistake.

I can see why Emma would feel guilty about Wither, but I don't think she fucked up there. She got him psychiatric help and worked hard to support him. If anything, she respected his autonomy. It was impossible to know his therapist was a r*pist supervillain with a kid at the school. I guess that's the point - Emma is in a shame spiral taking on every bit of blame she can think of. Her sister certainly didn't give her a choice, not a real one anyway. She's taking herself at her worst and ignoring all the hard work she's done.

Okay here's some shit she should actually feel bad about - her supervillain phase. Capturing and torturing the X-Men, traumatizing Jean into Dark Phoenix, stealing Ororo's body (totally rape) and funding Sentinels. She certainly suffered for these choices and I don't know how the other X-Men feel about it, but Scott at least forgives her and loves her.

IDK how true it is that everyone thinks Emma is manipulating Scott. Sure, raving misogynist Tony Stark does - and doesn't respect Scott because of it - but fuck him. I think it says more about Tony than anyone else. Again, she comes clean about having sex with Tony and Namor, but Scott DGAF. Not a big deal, they're losers. Well, Tony is. Namor has his moments and ends up a close ally despite all this. I feel like there's major internalised misogyny here, which Emma has an interesting relationship with. It's unusual for men in fiction to be untroubled by these kinds of revelations, but Scott is not an especially jealous person. The gender roles are all over the place even in public. I love me some genderfuckery and these two do it well.

With all their secrets laid bare, they decide to not break up, actually. They're ride or die for many years and both grew a lot in this power couple. Secrets would come back to haunt them both, but at least they can confide and trust in each other. Not only is their partnership solidified but it's a fascinating look into both their psyches (and a gross one into Stark's.)

[basementnoodles]

That katara take is not only incredibly silly, it misses the point of her relationship with aang by a mile. People really wanna see 'problematic' where there isn't any - god forbid some people date young and actually stay together, lmao

I want to start this off by saying that this isn't about bashing Kataang, or Aang for the matter.It's about acknowledging how Katara as a character gets sidelined the moment she and Aang become canon.

For context, I reblogged this post from @southslates

" I always feel bad for katara in the context of her life after atla because like, she's fourteen when this twelve year old avatar decides that she's his forever girl. and the whole world knows it and even if she'd eventually left aang, she would always have somewhat been the avatar's girl. maybe it looked like she had a choice but she didn't, not really. even if she eventually would have chosen aang that choice was taken away from her. that stings. "

That moment in the finale where Aang kisses her isn't just a romantic resolution—it’s a narrative full-stop on Katara's autonomy. From that point on, her development is flattened.Lets start with the comics, the direct sequel to the series.In the spirit of keeping things brief, I will not unpack every single interaction between her and Aang in all the comics but ill highlight the ones that stuck out to me the most, but if youre interested in a more throuought unpacking ill link @araeph's series, Katara : Consumed by destiny.I highly recommend checking it out, its a really interesting read.At this point in the timeline, Katara and Aang are officially together, and as such the nature of their relationship has changed..but to the detriment of her charather.

In the promise, Katara's role is diminished primarily to that of Aang’s emotional support. Her feelings and actions revolve entirely around him, and she never voices independent opinions or challenges him, even when she arguably should—such as when Aang is debating over killing Zuko.In s3, we see Aang's internal conflict about having to kill ozai and how he overcame it.Here we are a year later with a rehash of this problem--Aang, a 13 year old non-violent, peaceful monk anguishing whether or not to kill a tyrannical firelord. Not only does Katara offer no real emotional insight on this, but actively encourages him to not only go against his values but dosen't reflect how that might affect him, her and the rest of the gaang on an emotional level.Isn't Zuko supposed to be her friend ? Broski took a literal lightning bolt to the chest for her.

This pattern continues throuought the rest of the comics--In The Search, she essentially acts as Aang's body guard and she and Sokka are Zuko's role model for the Ideal sibling dynamic.We don't see her motivation for going on this trip at all--Its almost like the only reason she's there is because Aang is, or because she's a member of the gaang--so she needs to be there.If so, where are Toph and Suki ? Hell, It makes more sense for Suki to be there instead of her, since her job is centered around protecting the Firelord ! We also never get to see her feelings on the situation, or especially Azula ---Katara literally witnessed the Fire Princess try to kill two of her loved ones TWICE.You would think that the authors would delve into Katara's feelings on the matter.The last time Katara saw Azula was during the last agni kai and Azula was chained to a metal gurder and crying hysterically.You would think that Katara would have some strong emotions about the Fire princess.Anger at her for all the times that she tried to kill her loved ones ? Guilt for being partially the reason that she got sent to the asylumn,Pity because her current condition ?

On a similar note, why hasn't Katara helped her ?Since Katara's has been established as the emotional support member of the friend group, you would think that because of her caring nature, she would at least attempt to help Azula with her mental troubles, despite her complicated feelings towards the princess.This is the same girl who tried to help a starving village from a nation that she hated, the same girl who tried to heal Zuko's scar when they were technically still enemies, the same girl who was the first to reach out to Zuko and catch him from falling to a painful death despite actively hating him.

I don't have much to say about smoke and shadow except for the fact that there was no reason for Katara and her brother to not be there for the majority of the comic---The Gaang knows that the Fire Nation isn't a big fan of Zuko at the moment and I don't understand why she and Sokka couldn't have been there to help defend Ursa and Co as a show of support for their friend.And their help would have been invaluable during the Kemurikage crisis--showcasing Sokka's skills as a strategist and engineer and Katara's leadership skills during a search and rescue of the kidnapped kids as well as her waterbending .Show!Katara, defendor of the defenseless would NOT have left the fire nation if she knew kids were involved imo.The Rift tries to set up an arc for her to go down, but just as quickly she is pushed aside in favor of Toph and Aang's respective plotlines.

The comics do not provide Katara with opportunities to showcase her strengths, wisdom, or leadership qualities.By relegating her to the background and not making her an active participant in the plot, she becomes little more than Aang's arm candy.

This becomes more apparent in LOK.There are no statues of her while everyone else in the gaang ( except for Suki, because the writers completely forgot of her existence post comics-) gets at least one.We know nothing of what she did during her time in republic city.We know that she moved to the United Republic to start a life with Aang, but what did she do during that time period ? We know that she ( allegedly, since it isn't acknowleged in the court scene ) led the efforts to outlaw blood-bending, which is in charather for her to do and the most logical since out of everyone in her friend group, she was the most affected by the effects of blood-bending because of what happened with Hama in The Puppeteer. Yakone abused his powers to terrorize Republic City for years. Katara, famously known for her activism in the face of injustice should naturally have been front and center on that trial, as a founding member of republic city and representative of the SWT. But no.Sokka lead Yakone's trial and delivered the crime lord's sentence.Sokka, who although was also affected by bloodbending, should have been in the SWT, leading or at least preparing to take over as Chieftain of the tribe.

So what did she do during her time in republic city ? Become a stay at home and raise the kids on Air Temple island while Aang flew all over the world, settling disputes and building bonds ? While Republic City ran rampant with crime and discrimination ? Becoming a stay at home mother is completely fine, but it clashes who we know Katara is as a person.We know that she would not sit idly by and do nothing as injustice was happening right in front of her.As we speak of injustice...

Katara sat idly by as Aang blatantly neglected his two eldest in favor for their youngest, Tenzin.

Im not expecting Kataang to be the perfect parents.Katara lost her mom early on in her life and her father was absent when she and sokka needed him the most and Aang is also the Avatar but is also the last person of his kind--a group of people who had a different take on raising children then the other three nations.The very notion of a " Nuclear Family ", hell even marriage is one he didn't grow up with.However, Katara values family deeply, and as a mature emotionally in-tune woman would have seen the effects of Aangs ( unintentional ?) neglect on his other children.She would have known how they and been able to empatize with them, especially since she experienced the same neglect due to Hakoda anbandoning her and Sokka when they were younger.The Katara we know would have not idly stood by and let her children suffer--she would have talked to aang and ensured that all their kids got the love that they deserved. But she didn't.And Bumi,Kya and Tenzin suffered for it.In Korra's time, Katara's relationship with her family is superficial.Her grandchildren don't see her often, to the point that her youngest grand-child dosen't even recognize her.She sits idly by as her family and friends are targeted and attacked by their enemies ( Amon, the red lotus, Kuvira) while Zuko and Toph--charathers are moving earth and sky to protect their respective families.

Katara isn't even present at their successes--not joining them when they were in the SWT, not joining them family trips, and she certainly wasn't there for her Jinora's air mastery ceremony, even though what was left of the Gaang and Korra who was wheelchair bound at the time, attended.

Furthermore, Katara is the last member of the gaang who is narratively the closest to Korra.Despite possesing the spirit of her ex-husband, Korra is a fellow member of the SWT and her student.Katara personally helped oversee the young avatar's training--by that logic they should have been very close.Yet Korra rarely, if ever seeks her council, and when she does need her assistance, Katara is always unable to help her.Katara, who we are constantly told is the worlds best healer.

Katara, who post show was made to only focus on her children and her healing abilities, failed at even just that.

Katara always stood for agency, for compassion with conviction. But the franchise reduced her to caretaker and emotional backbone for the Gaang—noble, sure, but not a full reflection of who she is.

Katara never got the space to evolve as an individual after the war, and this lack of narrative focus reinforces the idea that once she became "Aang’s girl," her story was finished. A core part of Katara's character arc was her refusal to be defined by anyone—especially a man—but in the end, she was overshadowed by one. What’s truly painful is that it never felt like Katara had the freedom to make that choice for herself. That’s what truly stings.

In the end, this isn’t just about romance or ships—it’s about the integrity of a character who meant so much to so many. Katara deserved a future shaped by her own choices, filled with growth, struggle, triumph, and identity beyond just being someone’s partner or mother. The narrative didn’t give her that. It reduced a vibrant, driven, compassionate, and complex girl into a symbol of domesticity and emotional support, without ever exploring the cost of that transition. Katara was never just “the girl.” She was the heart of the Gaang, a master waterbender, a revolutionary, a sister, a friend, and a fighter. And it's heartbreaking that the legacy of such a dynamic character was ultimately treated as an afterthought. She deserved more—and so did we.

[plumbobpaparazzi]

Peek into my Mods folder...

This is dedicated to @alltimefail-sims or anyone who needs a little help with lag!

I have several mods I refer to as "efficiency mods" that are little quality-of-life tweaks that make the game smoother for me, either by reducing lag or reducing immersion-breaking hiccups. As always, your mileage may vary, but hopefully this is helpful to someone. :) List of mods under cut to keep your dash clean.

No Intro - Whether you are trying to 50/50 your mods, testing new CC, or just need to shave time off your game loading... get rid of the cinematic intro.

Free Will Delay - Do your sims curbstomp their queue and proceed to fuck off to something unrelated? Yeah, me too, until I got this mod. From the mod description: "[E]very time you tell your sim to do something, they will be forced to listen! …For 5 minutes. Then they get free will back again. This is probably why controlling Sims in Sims 4 feels so bad! Because you lose control the second they start doing what they're told. Even if you queue up actions, the total time is STILL five minutes- because it goes from the last direction you give your sim. So you can tell them to do 3 hours worth of stuff while paused…and they'll get control back after 5 minutes. This mod changes this timeframe to an option of your choosing, to make controlling your sims feel more rigid."

Simulation Unclogger - This is an oldie-but-goodie mod from Turbodriver that helps interrupt when Sims get stuck in an endless action loop.

Evolve/Fertilize All Plants - Kind of weird how we can Harvest All but you can't Evolve or Fertilize All, right?

No Empty Venues When Arriving - Helps with the issue of going to a community lot and waiting around for Sims to show up. May cause increased lag if you are bottlenecked by RAM.

Food Autonomy Overhaul - Stops your stupid Sims from eating ingredients, AND allows Sims who hate cooking to autonomously grab quick meals. Didn't know they wouldn't do that? Yeah. That's a thing.

Don't Do That! Version 1 and Version 2 - Removes autonomy on annoying actions that can't be affected by MCCC tuner, like reactions and some trait idle animations.

Less Obsession - Lowers autonomy for certain things without disabling entirely. I still want my Sims to paint, but I don't want them to start a new figure painting any time they are left unsupervised.

Smarter Self-Care - Makes Sims prioritize their needs better before they are uncomfortable. I only use the packages for NPCs and Pets.

NPC Relationship Autonomy Fix - Stops random Sims from breaking into your house to ask to be your BFF (and tunes the requirements so they actually have to be your friend first.)

Buy More Upgrade Parts - Allows you to buy a package of 50 upgrade parts for when you are grinding out handiness or robotics.

The following mods are all by Bienchen and don't have a direct page for each package. You can search by name pretty easily on their website. I recommend flipping through and grabbing anything you find useful - I have a total of 368 of their mods installed. Here are some highlights:

novisibleecoeffects - The aurora will nuke your framerate. I know it's pretty, but oh my god.

noautonomousbakewhitecake - Does what it says on the tin, keeps your house from being overrun by cakes.

harvestnogroupinteraction - Stops club members from autonomously harvesting plants. Those are MY death flowers!

lessemotionidles - Reduces unnecessary idle animations from emotions, great for preventing your Sims from looking flirty at inappropriate times...

lesspreferenceidles - Stops your sims from thinking about how much they like fishing/fitness/etc. when they should be doing things.

happytoddleridledisabled - Stops the idling from the Happy Toddler trait. SUPER useful for family gameplay.

laundry_buffsandsoloidlesfix - Stops or reduces idles related to laundry. It's just clothes, bro

eldertweak - Reduces elder animation idles.

hastopeewalkstyleforchildonly - Helps get your Sims to the toilet in a reasonable amount of time.

tinyhousebuffhider - I know I'm in a Tiny Home, I don't need a moodlet.

lottraiteffectshider - Hides the little floating lightbulbs around Sims heads from lot traits.

notraitnotifications - I know my geek likes video games, I don't need the pop-up every time I play.

noholidayoutcomenotification - Please don't rub my nose in the fact I forgot to celebrate.

nofestivalnotifications and nofestivalnotificationsound - Helpful when a pack is new, but years later... no thanks.

noenrollmentandscholarshipinfo - No more info screen about the two universities. I think most of us know it all by now.

nouprootplant - Never cry because of a misclick again

simschangeoutfitwhenhotorcold - Should have already been autonomous, but alas.

novisualpoliteintroeffects - I don't know if I am the only one, but the glowing really bothers me.

restaurantsittweak - Sit down and eat your dang food! No more wandering Sims.

longerprom - Takes 6 hours instead of 4 so you can actually do something.

I probably have other QoL mods that could be helpful, but these are my recommendations to start with. Love to all the modders that keep this game playable <3

[afurtivecake]

One thing I've been wondering is how much did Riko really see Kevin as a brother and how much did he see him as a possession? (And is there really a distinction between the two in Riko's eyes?) Because, I don't think Kevin was ever meant to be Riko's brother or Riko's equal on the court. I think Tetsuji took Kevin in as an investment, nothing more:

"Tetsuji never formally adopted Kevin. Do you know why? Moriyamas don't believe in outsiders or equals. Tetsuji took Kevin in and took over his training, but he also gave Kevin to Riko—literally. Kevin isn't human to them. He's a project. He's a pet, and it's Riko's name on his leash. Sakavic, Nora. The Foxhole Court (All for the Game Book 1) (p. 88).

To the outside world, Tetsuji taking custody over both Riko and Kevin would have looked like him adopting them and making them brothers, but "Moriyamas don't believe in outsiders or equals" so what reason would he have had to lead Riko to believe that Kevin would be his brother? A brother implies a level of equality. He probably thought this will be a learning experience for Riko: give him something to be responsible for, something that he has to learn to control because he's a Moriyama and it's about time he learned how dominate lesser beings. He probably imagined Kevin to be something like Jean was: an obedient servant who can take being beaten within and inch of his life semi-regularly, no sense of autonomy, blindly submissive, and still able to be one of the top players in his position. A valuable right-hand man perhaps, but nothing worth kicking up a fuss over.

I think (and this might just be me wanting a good story) that the whole "brothers" thing came from Riko. A neglected kid with nothing and no one to call him 'family' receives a boy, who doesn't have anyone to call him family either, and is told, "This is yours now. This is yours to mind. Do whatever you want with him but make sure he knows his place and knows how to obey the right people." To a kid who's longing for something to call his own and someone to recognize him as family, that could easily have sounded like, "This is yours now, your person, to be by your side always. Yours to tend, yours to keep, yours." I think Tetsuji said "possession" and Riko heard, "brother". And if that's not what a brother actually is, well, who's going to tell him that? It's not as if there's a single example of a normal family relationship to be found among the Ravens.

I think Riko made Kevin his brother because he wanted something more than a possession. He wanted an ally, someone who always has his back and would never leave him. Riko making Kevin his brother instead of just a pet as was intended, gave Kevin a degree a freedom that Tetsuji probably wouldn't have allowed otherwise: travelling outside of the country with Riko, not always being stuck inside Evermore, studying what he wanted...he even got to have interests and to enjoy exy even when he wasn't playing (being a Trojans fan) and he managed to have friends outside of Evermore (Jeremy). Ravens don't have family or an identity outside of being a Raven, but Riko made Kevin his brother and gave him the chance to become his own person.

If Riko considers Kevin a brother, how can he turn around and hurt Kevin like he's nothing more than a possession, you ask? Well, I'm not sure he sees any conflict between the two. To Riko, beating Kevin up isn't outside of what Riko understands as "family" and doting on Kevin as a brother doesn't go against what Riko sees as ownership. To Tetsuji, ownership might only include being able to treat a person like shit without consequence. But for Riko, allowing Kevin freedom and indulging his "whims" probably feels as much like ownership as hurting Kevin without recourse does.

It seems impossible and stupid for their relationship to be anything other than toxic and deeply fucked up, but I think Riko selfishly believed that so long as he kept things in check, so long as Kevin stayed exactly where he was, he'd get to keep him. Even when Riko starts suspecting that other people are starting to see that Kevin might be better than him, even when being brothers is no longer useful to him if he wants to prove that he's really a Moriyama, Riko can't let go of their brotherhood. He doesn't give Kevin up until the very end. He can't. No matter how angry he gets at Kevin, no matter how much he comes to enjoy seeing Kevin hurt and sorry, there are lines he can't quite bring himself to cross. Because Kevin is still his brother. Because for better or for worse, he made Kevin mean something more to him than a possession when he made him his brother.

I don't think Tetsuji expected Riko to cling on to Kevin as though Kevin was actually important. He didn't think that by partnering the two, by giving them a common goal and a common enemy, that it would create a bond between them. But they did and maybe, in some ways, their dysfunctional relationship both saved them and doomed them.

[weebsinstash]

have you thought about.. mammon

I know Mammon is canon ace which doesn't really stop me but there's also a certain charm in imagining he's greedy for... purely your presence and company. Dude doesn't even want a blowie from you or nothing, you could just be settled beside him helping him devour a bucket of chicken wings and he's happy as a clam

The dude clearly indulges his each and every whim and doesn't feel the need to justify and rationalize his actions for fuck all nothing, not to mention he's a Cardinal Sin. Who the fuck would or could or want to actually stop him if he just started dragging you around, forcing you to spend time with him like some sort of, combination partner/pet?

I try to think of what would make Mammon more unique in comparison to some of our other crazy boys around here and, I feel like Mammon is kind of a hard spot because, his greed would want him to have total ownership and possession of you, but clamping down on your autonomy and happiness also deprives him of, seeing more of you and your character and all of the little things he likes, so I think he'd be this kind of, "nasty sweet spot" of being extremely possessive and jealous but also doesn't mind spoiling the Hell out of you, because, I mean, greed is his whole entire thing, so watching YOU get to be greedy is sort of like a double bonus for him! He gets to feel like a big strong man making his bae happy and providing for you while also like, idk, enjoying the act of watching you overindulge

Do you think Mammon would be into feeding and feederism, whether sexual or not? I feel like whereas Beelzebub wants people to indulge in gluttony safely, Mammon representative of greed would encourage you to eat and drink and smoke and do as much of whatever you're doing as you want, a real kind of "just keep eating until you throw up" kind of guy. Dude just hand feeding you little treats and getting off on how he's got you eating out of his hand and keeps pushing you to eat more and more until you're actually ready to puke, and THEN he wants to cuddle as you're lying there with an aching tummy that he's running his hands all over, and if you throw up, we'll, that just means you have room for more, right?

Mammon's the kind of guy to get you so fucking wasted you're stuck in bed all day the next day puking into a mixing bowl and he drags you to a couch to at least scromit your guts out next to him while he's watching trash TV. Giving you "personal space" does not quite fit into his whole system of being a living symbol of greed, know what I mean?

Goddddd considering his whole lowkey "grifting entertainer" shtick where he was formerly an actual guitarist, I can just picture him making you wear, like, his merch as pajamas and shit. You're going to bed in the oversized band t-shirt + lime green panty combo and you'll like it, AND, you're tripping if you don't think he wouldn't force you to share a bed with him like some sort of stuffed animal (I bet he snores like a goddamn bear, too 💀💀💀)

I bet his tastebuds amd his palette are legit fucking garbage too so honestly you don't even have to be very talented in the kitchen before he's insisting he wants to try something you've cooked, and from then on in, serving him food becomes a regular thing. It's just so... intimate and sensual for him, that he's got you actually cooking and feeding him (and then maybe he can shag ya later). He has to find a balance between working you versus spending time with you since, he doesn't get to spend as much time with you if you're over a hot stove, and he likes watching YOU eat and indulge and do all of that as well.

Can you even imagine it. Having to like. Spoonfeed waffles into his gaping maw, holding the fork for him while he's moaning and groaning and shit, maybe even having you in his lap as you feed him, and-- oh God I just really hate being sticky like on God I fucking hate being sticky and touching sticky things like viscerally and i just got the most like detailed mental image of him getting fucking syrup everywhere and then thinking it's hot and wanting to fuck like that and lick it all off of you and I swear to God I think I'd rather be waterboarded

Can you imagine Mammon wanting to make merch of you because he's so legitimately infatuated he can't conceive of a world where you wouldn't be immensely popular as some sort of celebrity and he just gets PERSONALLY OFFENDED if people don't like you or think you're cute or something. His company starts selling like, genuinely innocent innocuous little plushies of you and only so many sell and he's raging that people are just fucking stupid. Do you think Mammon would release product lines to the public to justify making shit of you for himself. Like. You discover a hidden room one day and it's filled with an ungodly amount of your merch and he tries to lie and say it's backstock that never sold and he's just hanging on to it. Like sir what do you mean you released that line of posters officially just so you could have my picture on your fucking wall--

Similar to concepts with Valentino I also think it's just, cute but also funny if you think of Mammon bending his own rules to be more possessive and greedy with the Reader as an extension of his property/lover. You just come into the office one day and there's Fizz, "holy shit im having such a rough fucking day. The new trend is "anatomical accuracy" and Mammon just made me sit through having someone take close ups of my taint to model it on the sex robots. So how is your day going, where's Mammon, I never really see you two separated" and there's just a drop of sweat falling down your forehead, "oh, um, Mammon is having some quiet time because he just spent the last several months developing this new plushie of me and he got this idea of giving it voicelines when you hug it and now he's really mad because he doesn't actually want anyone else to have a doll of me that says I love you so he's just, sitting in the warehouse like, sitting in a pile of them being mad he wasted so much money. But he told me I did a good job and it wasn't my fault and he gave me a new credit card to go to the arcade with"

You just have to awkwardly stand there as your clowny coworker gives a thousand yard stare into the distance like he just personally trekked through the jungles of 'Nam only to find out you got a short cut on a private jet. Consider yourself lucky, Fizz; at least you don't have to bathe with him when he doesn't want to stop snacking long enough to get himself clean and keeps dropping peach rings and suddenly you have a yeast infection from getting sugar water in your coochie-

[yandere-romanticaa]

I've had a very fun and fruitful conversation with @allfearstofallto and she had some very strong reactions for a story about yandere Diluc and Tartaglia that has been marinating in my mind for a while now. I'll just give you a brief version of my idea.

You and the 11th Fatui Harbinger are to be wed. With your freedom stripped away from you and with your wedding date fast approaching, you are working tirelessly to escape the Harbinger's grasp.

However, even with your freedom stripped away, even if you have no autonomy on your own, there's an inkling in your heart in which you cannot hate your captor. He is far too kind and gentle towards you, the way in which he treats you makes your heart swell with a plethora of emotions.

But enough is enough.

You need to leave. Fast.

One evening, you act sweeter, more submissive than usual. Your fiancee eats it up and is delighted by this change in attitude. His happiness is evident because now things can proceed without a hitch. Don't worry darling, you won't be anywhere near his work. He'll keep you safe, fed and loved.

All he asks in return is to be in your heart. Love him. Love him, please. It's a hard request, a selfish one even, he knows this.

He can make it up to you. He can and he will.

He promises.

You kiss him in bed, telling him that you understand. Your eyes shift towards the hidden suitcase in the corner as you feel the drugs start to kick in. Tartaglia is fast asleep, and you finally taste the sweetness of freedom.

The man wakes up the next morning in a daze. The bed is empty and cold.

His heart shatters into a million pieces. He roars out your name like a wounded animal, his throat sore and bleeding from the pain.

He must find you.

Meanwhile, you made your way towards the City of Freedom.

You settle in, find a job, a place to live in. It's hard but you manage.

You ignore the lingering presence that you feel behind you when you're alone at night. You're making it all up, you keep telling yourself.

No one is following you.

One evening, you enter a cozy tavern. You order a drink and it is prepared by a handsome, albeit stoic bartender. You manage to get him to open up. He introduces himself as Diluc, the owner of the fine establishment in which you sat in.

How neat.

Due to various different factors, after a short while Diluc takes you in. He is patient and strict. It's an improvement.

You don't know about his ever growing obsession with you. You don't know about the endless sea of portraits he has of you. He keeps it all hidden well under wraps.

Regardless, Diluc is still only human. It's only natural that his jealousy would bubble up and rear in its ugly head from time to time.

Dawn Winery is in a way, forced to attend a massive social gathering. Diplomats from the North are everywhere and, of course, Tartaglia spots you in the crowd.

Even if his eyes were to be plucked out, he would always manage to recognize you.

Tensions rise and the danger of bloodlust reeks in the air. Much to his chagrin, Childe cannot simply just kill Diluc and be done with it.

He is being forced to play Mr Nice Diplomat.

Oh the horror, being stuck between these two.

Now, since this has the potential to be long as fuck, I was thinking of making it into a multiple part story. The best name I could come up with it so far was "A Song of Ice and Fire". I'm open to title names, if someone has better ideas. An important note to add would be that this would be a serious commitment for me as I haven't done a story like this in years. Chapter updates would probably take me a long time due to my job and potential lack of energy, but this idea has been in my brain for years now, which is a clear sign that I'm passionate about it. And, my question is - would you like for me to make this story come to life?

[eatsbooks]

How does Eris feel about cassian?

pre-acosf i think eris disdained him in the same way you might a small splinter in the side of your thumb. the majority of the time you don't even realize it's there — but then sometimes it catches on a thread or you rub against it the wrong way, and the pain is fleeting but sharp and unexpected, and no matter how you hold it to the light, no matter how you try to get it out, no matter that you think it finally gone, it stays stuck in there. maybe even gets shoved in deeper. it's similar to how eris feels about rhysand or azriel antagonizing him about the morrigan incident, except i think with cassian there's the added — you're the one who fucked her; your actions are what got her butchered at all. how can you revile me when your role in this is far worse? how is it my fault you didn't have the foresight to know how the game would be played, and i have no recourse but to play it? but cassian not knowing how to play the political game doesn't really affect eris yet, so that manifests more as just a general lack of respect / discounting any opinion cassian has as uninformed. plus of all the inner circle, i think cassian has the most moral righteousness. his shame is tied to his being a bastard, not really to any actions he has taken himself, so he doesn't know the shame of being Bad like azriel and rhysand do. this makes his interactions with eris, who doesn't really attribute morality to things / doesn't have the luxury of holding morality in high regard, even more unpleasant to deal with. plus plus general illyrian / lesser fae prejudice.

post-acosf... i'm sure sjm is going to make him seek nc validation and absolution as part of his character / redemption arc, but eye think eris wants to burn cassian specifically to an absolute crisp. throughout acosf, eris is constantly insulted and antagonized; has crucial information about the trove withheld from him by his chosen allies, while he is offering information they could not get elsewhere; is publicly made a fool of by his allies when they dangle nesta in front of him despite the open secret of her being cassian's mate; has his guards (who he got captured by because he cared so much for them that he refused to raise a hand against them when he easily could have killed them BTW) slaughtered and then tortured by said allies; gets captured and has his bodily autonomy stripped from him just to bait the night court; and then cassian has the audacity to call eris a coward after he endures his father's torture to preserve night court interests and alliances. like holy shit, u kno? and if i missed anything it would only further my point. eris overextends himself on behalf of the night court throughout that entire book and sees literally nothing in return. not even any real change in their opinion of him. just a scrap of cassian thinking he might be a good person, then insulting him for ... some reason? again, that constant air of moral superiority from cassian that eris cannot stand, weaponized at what is maybe the worst time to do so — when eris has just had the longstanding vulnerability of his abuse exposed in his efforts to protect those who only show him ingratitude and resentment. sooo yeah, i think eris would happily see cassian reduced to a pile of ashes, especially since he was the talking piece for the nc throughout acosf.

[auschizm]

vent. i feel scared because i want help but i'm also terrified about being involuntarily sent to a mental hospital again because ive been before and they put me in handcuffs on the ride there and it was really scary it made my wrists hurt and i got really dizzy and faint because they put me on such a high dose of antidepressants so fast. and now i feel like i need help because im so paranoid and im tired of hallucinating and tired of searching for hidden messages that logically dont exist but i have to look for anyways just in case but i want some kind of help but im terrified at the possibility of being sent back and losing my autonomy again. and im terrified of meds too because this all started months ago when my doctor denied my refill for my snris and i ran out and i was forced to stop them cold turkey and i couldnt ever figure out how to get a refill approved because i was stuck in bed feeling so so sick and i started hallucinating (although i was before just never consistently) and ever since then they never went away and things have been getting worse and im terrified of ever being so dependant on a medecine again if my doctor could just take it away like that and put me through that. but i thinki have to take the risk anyway because i need help. i wish i didnt have to weigh the danger of being alone with symptoms versus the danger of doctors having more power over me. im also scared of losing my hallucinations because they can be really scary but usually i just see bugs/animals everywhere and it makes me feel like im not so alone. but also sometimes they get dangerous to me and i dont think its safe to be alone. also thank you for your blog because it makes me feel less alone. sorry if this doesnt make any sense it feels like its been harder to think and communicate what i want to say.

I completely get your worries. Personally I have now, after a decade in psychiatry, given up on "getting help" through the psychiatric system because being a patient in said system has been more harmful than helpful time after time, to a point where I don't consider the "help" generally offered genuinely helpful, at least not for me personally.

But I get feeling like you need to do something - I've been there myself on several occassions in the past - and I know some people genuinely do benefit from some of the help offered by formal psychiatry. So I'm not telling you not to seek help if you feel it's worth the risks for you. I think you know far more about what you need than I do, and I wish you luck. I just wanted to say that your trauma and concerns related to the psychiatric system are real and valid.

[mirrorcatcreditcard]

Ivan and Luka parallels and contrast

Point four~: who they are, their personalities

These two idiots won't stop invalidating themselves for shit. It's chronically unhealthy, and it shows up in two different ways: masking and repression.

Luka was bred and raised to be without his own will and goals or to believe the goals he is forced to have are his. There is not much independence when it comes to him, yet his search for autonomy/freedom lingers on everyone he encounters.

Ivan was emotionally neglected for as long as we have known him. His relationship with Unsha is described as "business partners" (or something similar). He couldn't have been that old when he was adopted, yet it was already more formalities than care.

Luka was groomed for the segyein, while Ivan was just neglected on all ends when it came to personality and emotions. Their sense of self, their "independence" looks different than what we think of when we say those words.

Their actual personalities are hidden, yet around their person of affection they are honest in odd ways that make people dismiss them. Hyuna never took Luka seriously when he showed possessiveness of her. Till brushed Ivan off as an annoying and constant presence.

Luka takes this mask further due to his training and can control his own heartbeat. Ivan, on the other hand, is deceptive and pretends to feel a favorable way.

Many people I know just don't know who Luka and Ivan are as people (away from other people) because of the constant masking and the conflicting messages their actions show. They're repressed and stuck in their heads (like most of the cast). They have a recurring theme of both thinking how they see the world is the objective truth, and that they are not an entity unto themselves.

"I've observed much, and this must be right because I know the cause and effect" Ivan to the "this results in my comfortable worth so this must be true" Luka.

What are their true selves? The fuck if anyone knows. Vivinos admits to nobody (probably) being able to understand their hearts/emotions. And that's okay. People who don't know who they are or can't be known fully are just as deserving of love and care as someone who knows what the pieces mean. Trauma can fragment or distort a person. They're still a person. When your entire life is spent in abuse, the abuse does define you a bit. It's not a bad thing if you're still stuck in your situation or just coming out. Nobody should expect a victim to be whole while being a victim.

Ivan doesn't have self-worth because of his invalidation his upbringing and experiences with socialization gave him. Luka is self destructive because all that he has ever been told that he exists for is the stage and the audience.

At the end of it all, they've been alone and not understood or listened to by others around them. Whether called weird or laughed off, their true natures are repeatedly trampled on, even by the viewers who know them as fiction.

Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

[gxlden-angels]

I've had this account now for 5ish years now. I've been in therapy for years, not exclusively for religious trauma but it's a major part. I've gotten better. I have a lot of content here I could reflect on, but I don't think I want to. I like knowing I progressed. I don't like looking at what from. Usually religious trauma comes up in therapy as an "oh yea...." instead of by name now. It's indirect. Enmeshment. Parentification. Vaginismus. Scrupulous and Harm OCD. Alexithymia. Derealization and Depersonalization. Paranoia.

I'm like, a real adult now I guess. I have a bachelor's degree now. I walk this upcoming weekend. I live in a house and I'm renting out a room with my own money. It has a backyard my cat likes to run around in. I had a job interview in my chosen field today. It went well

Then I'll go back to my family for the weekend and I find out they're spiraling into AI generated christian conspiracy theory videos. Their pastor is preaching about Trump being the anti-christ, and any non-Trump or Conspiracy message is the same thing he's said for the past decade, sometimes word for word. My uncle is convinced he's a prophet. He tells a story about a girl that was paralyzed after not listening to his message. My grandfather is convinced us black people are the true Israelites and chosen people. I thought I was the only one medically neglected by my aunt who's a doctor. I was not. I show her my emotions chart app. She tells me it's good so I can recognize when I feel bad and remember Jesus's love until I'm happy again. It's not normal for your joints to pop out of place apparently. We all learned this at the same time. It's Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. That explains a lot. My grandfather fell asleep to a video about the Ethiopian bible and how other bibles were made to take out miracles by Jesus and angels again. The remote is lodged in his hand so we can't change it

Then I talk about plants and food with my dad and my grandmother. My dad jokingly complains about his mom making him garden with her all day half a century ago. I give her a little kiss on her forehead before I go. My dad sends me home with leftover peach cobbler he made. I eat it with my lunch at my job. I answer phone calls at a front desk. I paid real taxes for the first time this year. I go to therapy and I talk about everything from my sex life to my graduate school plans to my opinions about generative AI (I hate it). I'm like, a real, breathing adult that has autonomy I guess. I'm not even claimed as a dependent anymore. I built my own desk that I bought from Big Lots.

You get where I'm going with this right? I'm not cured or healed by any means. Far from it in fact. I still get a pang of anxiety using the lord's name in vain and a chill down my spine when manifesting feels too close to confessing. It's harder making a personal post about religious trauma now though. It's not necessarily that I'm cured, it's just so engrained that I've created atheistic excuses to stay stuck in my religious trauma. I can pinpoint the source of it if I think about it long enough, so I don't think about it long enough

I'm not afraid to think lustful thoughts because holding lust in your heart is a sin, it's because I feel like a creep. I'm not worried I'll be sent to hell if I make mistakes that take me further from Jesus, I just think making mistakes would make me a bad person and an asshole. These beliefs popped out of nowhere, of course. They aren't influenced by the religious trauma so deeply buried in my head that taking it out would feel like taking out the gray matter of my brain itself. I'm schrodingers's man where I'm only a human when I'm observed. It used to be a deity but then it was you. I'm observed by you and that proved I'm human just long enough to get by when I most needed it. I still have that problem, but I'm seen outside of here. I see myself more often too

I don't want this post to seem like a good-bye, because it's not. I'm just currently in a period of limbo and I feel like the next generation of religious trauma bloggers are rising. I'm too busy arguing with my therapist about why I'm a bad person in a way that doesn't just boil down to "I'm a sinner in need of redemption" in a desperately-secular way. I'm self-aware enough to know that's what I'm doing, but not progressing enough to stop yet. I think what will happen is I'll eventually get frustrated enough to give up on the secular origins of my mental distress. I think a lot of you are in a similar place. You're out long enough that it feels like it should be over. You don't live in the bible-thumping, belt-wielding, gay-bashing, hellscape you once did. You might even be no-contact. You pay taxes now in your apartment. But it's not over. It's still there. It's just harder to say it's Jesus's fault I'm like this. It feels like it's been too long to still blame the bible.

It's not. It's buried in your synapses and neurons and muscles and bones and skin and hair and teeth and it's hard to remember that after 5 years. It's not oozing out into your bloodstream and filling you with enough cortisol and adrenaline to fuel an elephant anymore. It trickles though like a leaky faucet. I think I've lost the plot at this point, but you get it

Like I said, not a goodbye despite what it seems like. I just have to remember that a leaky faucet is still a concern