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nerves-nebula · 1 year ago

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i scrolled through your Entire TM(N)T Tag and i simply adore it!!! as a kid i was a less intense version of leo (golden child) but i soon grew out of it and now i’m a lot more like mikey (craving violence) and it’s so interesting to see the two parts of myself coexist in separate people. if you wanna, could you expand on mikey and leo’s relationship and dynamics, both before and during the farmhouse arc? they just scratch my brain <3

(also sorry if the purple text is an issue tumblr won’t let me send it normally?? idk it’s [tumblr] lmao)

RIGHT SO!! buckle up cuz this gonna be a long one :P (part of the reason it took so long to answer sobbb. its too complicated so i kept putting it off)

before farm house:

Mikey found leo very frustrating, Leo got on his nerves with all his boasting and special treatment from Splinter. He also hated how Leo tended to boss them around after getting his Leader role. So Mikey tried to get on Leo's nerves as well (even if Leo wasn't doing anything to intentionally antagonize Mikey at that moment)

this means there's a lot of bad blood between the two, and they might be more antagonistic than is really warranted towards each other. this often ends up with Raph dealing with the brunt of Leo's frustration, cuz despite his anger, Leo wouldn't be able to justify attacking Mikey most of the time.

this is because Leo believes Splinter when Splinter rants to him about how disappointing his weaker siblings are. Leo doesn't think it would be fair of him to beat up on Mikey, even if he believes Mikey is lazy and rude and has no sense of self discipline. But Splinter always talks about how strong Raph is, so Raph is the one Leo feels ok with fighting. Leo fighting with Raph doesn't make Mikey like him any more, lol.

another aspect of their relationship is their competitiveness. Leo and Mikey are the most outgoing and competitive. A lot of raphs theoretical competitiveness has kind of been stripped from him in this iteration due to the sheer amount of stress and responsibility he's been given. it's kind of hard for him to have fun pretending a video game is super important when the slight stress of that makes him feel like he's in a life or death situation. Raph can have fun playing a game, but he'll drop it like a hot coal if it gets too stressful. And Donnie is just generally conflict avoidant, so competitive games aren't great for him.

So Mikey and Leo really only have each other to compete against, the others might tag along in whatever game they've devised but most of the time it's really just Mikey and Leo competing against each other. but since they also have a very REAL rivalry/grudge against each other, these competitions and games can get a bit out of hand or a bit too serious.

a third thing is that Mikey will often lose his temper and call Leo stupid. usually for believing in something Splinter told him. Leo finds this annoying because he sees it as Mikey lashing out because he's not as good as Leo. Cuz Leo's whole worldview is based around the hierarchy Splinter has built.

Meanwhile, Mikey is irritated that Leo can "fall for" Splinters abuse tactics so easily- mind you mikey is a bit more emotionally intelligent than his brothers, so it's not really their fault. but imagine how frustrating it is to see someone you love fall for textbook manipulation over and over. And then act horribly towards you because of something that YOU WARNED THEM AGAINST BELIEVING!!

like that's not really how manipulation works, and they're all kids so its not entirely Leo's fault, but it's hard not to resent someone when you see that the reason it works so well on them is because they benefit from it. it's hard not to feel like they value that privilege more than they value you.

shredder arc (leading into the farm house):

So by this point, Mikey's kind of tried more to be less outwardly cruel to Leo, since he's now gone through Leo's mind and knows Leo is so manipulated that he doesn't even realize Splinter is abusing him. They fight a lot less in the years leading up to/before the farm house, since fighting enemies as a team had kind of forced them to trust and understand each other a lot more.

still, the events leading up to the farm house have kind of brought up old wounds- specifically, the split between Leo and his brothers. Leo spent months trying to convince his brothers that Shredder was evil. Mostly for selfish reasons, and in doing so was incredibly insensitive to Donnie and his other brothers pain at the realization that Shredder was, in fact, up to some suspicious shit. His brothers felt more at home with the foot clan than with Splinter, so they're really hurting, and they hate the idea of going home and having Splinter and Leo rub it in even more.

Donnie in particular feels like he just lost another chance at a better family, like he just brought his brothers into another trap, like no one would ever actually genuinely want to be his family. like he's stuck with splinter. forever. so he's (not for the first time) seriously suicidal. Which Raph and Mikey are concerned about, and Leo doesn't really get the seriousness of at first.

farm arc:

SOOO after Leo begged to be allowed to come to the farm house, things are tense. Leo now understands that his relationships with his bros are worse than he realized, and he needs to be on his best behavior around his brothers. He ends up treating all of them with the same level of deference he would treat splinter, which is really weird.

BUT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HIM AND MIKEY, SO TO GET BACK ON TRACK- Mikey kind of regresses back to being more childish, trying to get a rise out of Leo, which doesn't work at first. he does eventually end up provoking Leo into snapping at him, and Mikey gets even more aggressive in response (because none of them are in a good headspace at the moment) basically saying that Leo will always be like this if he doesn't stop faking being a better person.

Leo is frustrated to the point of tears because he's exhausted from walking on eggshells for weeks and he can't figure out why Mikey won't just let him act the way he was told to act !! Eventually, after a few rough confrontations, Mikey manages to explain that they don't want Leo's submission or anything- they just want him to be LESS MEAN ALL THE TIME. which includes un-learning what Splinter has told Leo about his brothers.

and, even more important than that, includes Leo talking about his own feelings. AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT!! includes Leo accepting that Splinter isn't always right and has, in fact, REALLY HURT his brothers!!

and this is a lot, but it mostly only happens because Mikey is willing to try (in his own messy, imperfect way) to confront Leo. Donnie is too emotionally hurt to do anything but dissociate and run away, and Raph doesn't have the energy to try to facilitate change within the family this way. He can help the discussions progress, and help the turtles communicate with each other, but Raph doesn't have the emotional will to force Leo to take that first big emotional step.

after farm house:

funny enough, their competitive nature facilitates a lot of camaraderie with each other once they stop treating each other as ONLY adversaries. they can safely be aggressive in a joking way with each other, they can compete without any hurt feelings, it's pretty nice. Leo also feels comfortable asking Mikey for his opinion on stuff, cuz he knows Mikey won't sugar coat things too much.

there are a lot of small issues they gotta deal with every now and then though. for example, Mikey's habit of irritating Leo led to a bit of transphobia growing up. Not because Mikey had transphobic ideas of gender (he's agender himself, he never really understood gender and never will) but because he noticed it irritated Leo and he was a kid and didn't understand the rhetoric he was parroting.

so a lot of Leo's internalized transphobia doesn't just come from Splinter, but also from his brother, who he lives with. and that's rough.

and the way that Leo will still catch himself either implying, thinking, or straight up just saying that he thinks Mikey is dumb. even if he 's saying it in an offhanded way like "lol your so stupid" it's still really hurtful to Mikey, who was told his entire childhood that he was dumber and lazier than his siblings, and that's why he didn't matter. it bothers Mikey a lot more than most of them realize and takes Mikey a while to voice his discomfort, because he feels like even being insulted by it is, in and of itself, trivial and dumb.

but outside of those unfortunate issues, they get along really well! Mikey encourages Leo to indulge in silliness more.

SOOO thats the gist of things. i think.

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #teenage mutant neglected turtles #tmnt #tmnt leo #tmnt mikey #this is from april 14th :')#farmhouse arc

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just-jordie-things · 5 months ago

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spiderman fan anon here again who yapped abt how i think ur spideygumi fic is the literal greatest spidey au of all time.. sry i hope ur not tired of hearing abt it but i just reread the fic (again) and i cant stop thinking abt what mc and megumis development would be like from here… megumi is definitely not the typical peter-parker-type with his sense of justice (as one of his figures’ packaging hilariously summarizes “i save people unequally”) which has SOO much potential for a Good fucking hero story AND new relationship dynamic. like maybe megumi tries to become kind of a more “moral” hero on his own, but shit happens, maybe the govt or police are too corrupt and he realizes he can only trust himself to bring justice to the city, a more batman-like mentality. would mc have a problem with his morality and pull away? would she agree with it and help him as a journalist? would she disagree and give him the With great power Comes great responsibility spiel, leading to him growing into a more “true” spiderman-like hero? Idfk i do not write at all but i cant turn off my comics-loving brain with all this potential!!! i also dont mean to push u to write any of this but i had to talk abt it before i Exploded

the way i wanna make this fic a 5 movie franchise now becuz OMG THE AVENUES THIS OPENS UPPP

i am a marvel girl (sorry battinson baby even u aren't my fav) so i see spiderman!gumi having a deadpool mentality but without the mouth lolol

ok here's some very small thoughts i have about what a continuation in the story would've looked like:

he tries to find a mix between the public eyes' idea of the right thing and his version of the right thing but... dammit some people just gotta suffer a bit don't they?

he sees someone get a lil too harsh with a dog and he can't just give em a lil scare. next thing he knows they're beaten beyond recognition and webbed up to a wall for the police to deal with. fuck that guy, who hurts dogs??

when the news starts to call him things like menace and people start to wonder if he's not the altruistic hero they thought he was, megumi tries to balance between the different schools of thought of justice. he has you by his side, supporting him and wishing him all the best with being the best he can be...

so when some perp he's apprehending starts spouting off some real nasty shit, megumi tries to tell himself that prison will bring him to justice. over and over in his head he tells himself that he has to let some things go...

but damnit this bigoted asshole won't shut up and megumi just doesn't see how society could possibly function with pieces of shit like this roaming around. and no, when the guy's body goes limp after a swift ninety-degree head-spinning snap to the neck, megumi doesn't feel any regret. only relief that there's one less bastard in his city.

as for you, you've always trusted in spiderman. so you're learning to place your trust in megumi, too. you hate the rare occasion when he visits you bloodied and bruised, but you hate the idea of a city without spiderman's protection even more. you've been a fan of spiderman since the first day you'd heard of the sightings. a ride or die doesn't walk away just because things are getting a little nastier out there.

a career in journalism will prove to be difficult. the truth about megumi's double life is a secret that you both understand must stay contained no matter the price. you probably bounce around a few firms, trying to find just the right place to land where you can write the truth without revealing too much. however most outlets just want to report on the crimes spiderman himself has committed, and you struggle with badmouthing your hero (and your boyfriend)

i like to think megumi laughs at the papers trying to paint him as a villain. it doesn't stress him out, it's nothing to him really. just a source of entertainment for him to read to you over dinner. between the two of you, you handle the ugly headlines far worse. but megumi likes to rile you up by reading all the worst ones to you, just to make you fuss over it all. some nights it's like you're rivals again- megumi taunting you with the latest edition of the spider-menace storytelling, chuckling when you start to crinkle your brows and spout off about how some writers are uneducated phonies or how they're ungrateful for what he's done. you never fail to go on a long winded rant followed by some chugged down water. and as always, megumi will just smirk and shake his head as he throws away said latest edition.

___

i lost wind here but i would love to hear if anyone has other thoughts too!!

#jordie says stuff #megumi brainrot

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dearweirdme · 5 months ago

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https://x.com/BIGHIT_MUSIC/status/1818112395048595545?t=ZFr9UZMp6rbjV1LKKRzU4g&s=19

(The translation)

🤣🤣🤯That company... is really something. And also there are two things playing with my neurons right now (stream neuron by hobi)

1. Maybe I should watch the entire suchwita interview by myself and not rely on a solo reply, but apparently the company decided to make them shoot something at the last minute. I'm not saying they forced them or anything similar, but I just had this thought : what if in the future, jk and jm don't plan on "feeding" their shippers anymore. And let's say the company kind of knew. About the fanservice so they kind of decided to throw something just like that. Just to fuel. But I can be wrong tho. It can also be something that jk and jm decided to do long ago and the company just brought it back up.

2. I'm a tkkr and honestly if this was in taekook case, I would have yelled out of happiness. But then i would have closed my mouth shut the minute i'll remember they are behind the barracks. 🤣 I saw one jikkr and there are probably plenty others, saying we are mad and that jkk is tgt. 🙈🙈

There are a lot of places I wanna explore. One of them is jkk brain. Seriously. They are really strong believer, because by now, if this was me I would have been convinced two men that I think are each other's husband are nothing more than buddies.

I say it all the time and I will say it again for any jikkr lurking (without hate) : South Korea has a fcked up law where two men who enlist together cannot be more than buddies or family. The moment the opposite is proven, they'll be thrown in prison and whatever career they have kind of end there. Now I don't know about any other kpop group but I do know that in no world BTS will go to a place like that, which we know dang well stress them out and they want it to be over as soon as possible, and make two of them who are supposedly a couple, enlist, while they plan on coming back as a group. This is a risky and stupid move. A big one at that.

And there's no " BUT IF THIS WAS TAEKOO-" because yes jk did want to go in Taehyung division but he didn't. He said he wanted to and he didn't!! That's the real difference right here.

Ps : ( I think that tweet is no big deal. I just wanted to vent a little.)

Hi anon!

We all need to vent a bit at times right 😊?

So... the translation on X says "a page of youth and romance". I did read in the comments that it can be translated as "bromance" though.. which falls in line with what we've seen I think. My Korean is level zero, so I'm always hesitant when it comes to these things.

Your "feeding" actually inspired my former post about Jm and Jk feeding Jkkrs. I think we've all been talking a lot about fanservice, feeding, real connections, company content, etc.. a lot these last couple of months. No wonder with one side of fandom wanting the JmJk travel show to be a romantic private getaway, and the rest of us seeing that this wasn't that. I mean, there's obviously a team with them, plans were made.. there is no way around that.

I think what's most likely, is that Jm thought about what he wanted to do for army. Somehow the idea of doing a travel show with Jk reëntered his thoughts, he got excited, Jk got excited, the company got real excited and made it happen. That's not a bad thing. It does not undermine their friendship if this is what happened. Things can easily be two things at once. So this being for army doesn't mean Jk and Jm aren't also actually close. It being recorded inbetween Jk's promo is perhaps ill timing, but it's also still very possible that Jk really wanted to do it. He loves Jm (platonically.. don't get excited Jkk lurkers), he loves doing stuff for army, he's a hard worker. I think that literally is it.

Now the company involvement is a different thing ofcourse. Because we know they don't shy away from editing stuff a certain way and adding captions that might be suggestive. I think the company definitely plays into shipping and shipping wars.

I mean, as Tkkrs we don't really expect content like this. It's the same way I never expected Jk and Tae to enlist together the way Jm and Jk did. There's just boundaries to what they can do, we know that. Aside from Jkk shenaniganse, I love that Jm and Jk enlisted together. I think they are such a huge source of comfort to each other, and I think knowing they would go together probably soothed some of the unease they were feeling while preparing for this.

#taekook #jkjm #fandom shenanigans

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magpiefngrl · 9 months ago

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do you think writer's block is an actual concrete thing? / what is writer's block to you?

Hey anon! When I wrote the post seeking asks, I'd added writer's block to the end of the things I'd like to chat about, and then deleted it because it is included in woes. But you read my mind!

This is going to be looooong. I'm putting it under a cut x

I've had debilitating writer's block in the past. Debilitating. I used to write and post fic regularly back in 2017-18--and then I stopped. For a time, I'd write but would hate everything. I'd feel empty of ideas and robbed of the ability to convey thoughts on page. I'd cross half my sentences out and doubt every word.

And then: I couldn't look at the page. I would think about opening a doc and I'd immediately distract myself with something else. The dishes, the cat, a new tab. It was like even the idea of writing touched some wound inside me and I'd flinch, I'd get that visceral reaction of "ouch, avoid avoid".

So, for me at least, writer's block is a real thing. It happens, it affects people, and it is so prevalent that thousand of articles have been written about it.

I've come to realise, though, that writer's block doesn't exist on its own. It doesn't just come at someone randomly like an unwelcome lottery ticket. It's an indication of something else.

(a pause here to say that writer's block isn't the time when a creative brain needs to rest. The fallow periods. That's normal, esp if you've overextended yourself. Pushing yourself to write at that time might make the brain rebel, and you might think you've got writer's block when all you need to do is take some time off and fill the creative well with fun activities.)

So what might the writer's block indicate? Anything from fear of failure, to insecurity, to perfectionism, to depression. When I'm depressed, I don't write. I have to treat the depression to get rid of the block. That's easy, in the sense that I know what depression feels like and I know how to deal with it. Or at least I know that it passes.

But fear of failure? Perfectionism? These aren't as easy to pinpoint, not for me, anyway. Also, those of us who have posted fics in fandom have the added stress of disappointing readers/followers. You've no idea how terrified I was about finishing my WIP, 9 1/2 days. I was sure that readers would be like "it's been years in the making so the story must be extraordinary" and then they'd read my normal, totally ordinary story and feel let down. At other times, I'd mentioned/promised birthday gift fics to people and I felt the pressure of time passing and me having nothing to show for it. So much stress.

We say that fandom is a fun place and we're here for the joy of being a fan, but this excessive positivity often doesn't allow for the negative feelings of having a story you're proud of go unnoticed. It happens. To all of us. It hurts like fuck. It hurts to see rec list after rec list and not see your name on it. And you feel like a dickhead for feeling resentment and anger about it, because you're not here for the stats, you're really not, but fucking hell--you thought that was a pretty good story and if no one really agreed, then you're not a good writer, right?

Why does writer's block come after you've posted ten fics and not before the first one, when you're a lot more inexperienced and new at this? I guess, higher stakes. Also, times of vulnerability come and go. Once, during my writer block years, when I was trying to get over it and go back to writing, I received a piece of feedback that devastated me. It hurt me so incredibly much that I couldn't (and didn't) think about a certain story for over six months. It was like this person, unwittingly, reached inside me, found where I was hurting, the soft, wounded part of me, and stabbed me right in the middle of it. It was a good lesson in learning to protect myself when I feel vulnerable emotionally.

Imagine trying to write, worrying that you'll let your readers down, certain that your best story is in the past and you've peaked already, anxious about making little progress and falling behind, upset that no one recs or talks about your latest fic--in other words it was a massive failure--(all of these were things I experienced at multiple times) and that's on top of the author's normal worries about trying to figure out the plot and the characters and whether this POV works for the story. Who wouldn't get blocked?

I'd better stop around here, this is something that I could discuss forever. My leaving thought would be that to treat writer's block one should:

first, see if it is writer's block and not burnout or fallow period, in which case: REST

second, try and reflect on what the block is hiding, and then deal with that.

third, care a lot less. I think, at the end of the day, writer's block comes because we care so much about writing a good story that it becomes an impediment. It helps to care less. I've been posting stories unbetaed in the last couple of years. It's a deliberate decision to take back the sensation of being an amateur writing for the fun of it.

send me an ask!

#writer's block #inbox #this was therapeutic wow #writing

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almondes · 1 year ago

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Just some random things about my WoL that I need to get out of my brain:

They were originally going to be a BKM, but the thought of being able to poke at people with a plastic sword toothpick AND do magic really bought them into RDM

They don't like hugs, but they would accept them if given one. They give the squishiest of hugs- like they would make the squeaky toy noise if possible- which Flow exploits by grabbing them by the scruff of their clothes so that they can't run from his hugs lol

Complains about neck pain a bunch- especially during their time in Ishgard when everyone around them is a tall-af elezen and they are a short-af lalafell...

Speaking of Ishgard, Bell loves Ishgardian weather- the dreary clouds that cover the sky, the crunchy snow beneath their feet, the fog that rolls over every time it rains- anything other than the hot air in Ul'dah is better and Ishgard checks all of those boxes; it's just like the stories they've heard.

They're usually not very talkative, preferring to talk as little as possible- leaving it to Alphie to fill in the empty air.

They have also tried this on Estinien. It also did not go well.

Due to their unfortunate height, Bell has developed a habit of jumping onto a taller friend's back to get a better look at various things. They do this to both Thancred and Flow(bf's WoL) the most often as the both of them feel the most stable when jumping up on(they're both tanks).

They tried it on Alphinaud once as a test and the boy fell ass bsckwards... never again.

In adjacent to that, they also tend to hold on to a stray piece of flowing fabric/loose pants leg on others for comfort; it helps them stay grounded and not lash out during a stressful confrontation(without combat) that requires careful wording- diplomatic stuff really. They hate forced social interaction.

They are prone to snap at others- coming off as rude or insensitive- due to their upbringing and see the worst in people before they can see the good. It took a while for them to really be friendly to a lot of the Scions- especially to Minfillia. They just could not wrap around their head that she just wants to do good, without a bad ulterior motive. It does not help that they(Bell) have a resting bitch face.

However on the flip side, once they warm up to someone, they are more careful with their words- still very curt and blunt, but not as "murderous" as they are to strangers. The rude behavior is a defense mechanism so that they don't get hurt if they get too attached.. A real tsundere if you ask me-

Bell was born and raised in Ul'dah! They were supposed to take on the family business and namesake but instead they ran away from home- stealing a bit of gil from their vault- and hiding in odd places around the Black Shroud until the gil ran out and they needed a job. Sooooo they came BACK to Ul'dah to be a Thaumaturge, all the while they try to dodge any interation with their parents' employees. Fun times :)

Mahi is their longest and most sarcastic loyal retainer, a rather tall elezen man who has journeyed with Bell for a little bit during their stay in Gridania- opting to become their retainer when they decided to go back to Ul'dah. He's also the one who told stories about his time in Ishgard to them.

Unlike their DND counterpart, FFXIV!Bell is just nicer overall. They at least acknowledge their mannerisms are sometimes very prickly and aren't as pessimistic nor actively hostile towards others. They are trying!! To be!! Better!!

Have they fallen in love before? Yes. It started off as a lil tingle in their chest, and grew to quite the size... But when they found out that the person they had feelings for had his heart somewhere else, they smothered it deep, deep down.

To change the topic now, Bell deals with pain in the worst way possible: holding onto it until it makes them collapse :)

Their mannerisms have instead taken hold of how they act around him- like taking glances at him when he's not looking. They don't notice any changes though and will probably not accept it unless locked in a room forced to confess or something.

They won't say a thing about their problems and needs unless they are dying and it worries Alphy so much- pretty sure they have given him too many things to worry about whoops-

Good thing both of their hairs are white so it can hide all the stress

#《I ramble》#ffxiv wol #ffxiv #there's a lot #theres too many things and i dont think one tumblr post can hold it #that and i have a draft for Freddie as well sooo #idk #if you like reading about my wols then thank you #they have been living rent free in my head #alongside some other ocs #a lot of ocs #I'll make another post for my Azem thoughts when I finish Endwalker #many thoughts......#shadowbringer spoilers #i dont know if this counts as spoilers #is tank thancred a spoiler?#ill still tag it just incase #oh oh if anyone has any good character prompts for wols please send them to my askbox!!

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the-sweetest-little-angel · 4 months ago

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It also makes difficult cause ocd and schizospec affect how see. Ocd worsen impostor syndrome. Have horrible moral ocd. And schizospec with my experience have me almost never really in reality. Plus being system and easily influenced worsen it. It makes hard to tell what real symptoms and what just in head. And then get convinced things experienced since young aren't real symptoms. I even doubt my ocd even tho I've had rituals and obsessive and compulsive behavior since young. Like ocd always been really severe since child. Yet still doubt it and tell self wrong for suspecting it. (Diagnosis has always been informal. Just a "yeah that sounds like ocd" then nothing done. At least have meds and they help intrusive thoughts.)

So whenever suspect anything, especially stuff not understand and trying learn, make self feel crazy and bad and wrong. Even ehlers danlos and pots like "no can't have that, you don't know what is" and then like...I literally have them. (Did get diagnosis of ehlers danlos, pots not been discussed since focus was on joint paint. TvT)

And with being medically neglected, make self feel so frustrated. Want help. Want get checked and tested or whatever right word is. Want to have access. But it such fight. Mother tried deny inhaler. Mother ignored asthma symptoms. Mother let chronic pain and joint problems go for years. Parents not want disabled kid. Mother say not really autistic. Not even tested for sleep apnea when literally been told I probably have it for over year now by multiple doctors and we should get tested for it. Partly insurance, mostly mom.

It frustrating. Knowing medical stuff wrong. Having some general idea of what wrong. Keeping eye on stuff and looking into it and making list so can get help in future. And then have ocd say you are terrible person for even thinking about it. For even considering have things like ehlers danlos or be system. For even considering this or that.

Makes hurt. Cause all want in end is understanding and help. To be able to know how mind and body works. But stuck in severely neglectful home that not want disabled child. And not sure when can move out. And feel so trapped and alone. I no wanna be responsible for self anymore. I no wanna have do endless research when make brain hurt and so tired and can barely care for self. I no want have be own responsible self.

Can't do it anymore. Can't. Never could. Did out of desperation for answers. To not hate self and demonize self. To know why was "born wrong" because that how others make us feel. Want actual help. Want be able get help and have answers. Hate self diagnosis forced. Hate that had to do it just to understand that not bad person and have disorders. That pain real and not made up. That breathing difficulties real. Gives me bunch of information about many different disorders, even ones not have cause did look into those too. But just so tired. Never wanted self diagnose. Never want to feel so alone. Everything so tiring. And not knowing when diagnosis possible even more tiring. Cause knows need help. But alone. No one to help. Dependent on people that hurt and ignore us. Always at risk of trigger bad meltdowns or bad emotional problems. Always overwhelmed. Always tired. Always stressed. Always not understand. Always struggle. Always alone. Just want help.

#tw abuse #tw neglect #vent #personal vent #trauma #neglected #long rant #long post #triggering stuff #self diagnosis

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inky-eclipse · 10 months ago

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disassociating and dissociating

man. my hand hurts. it hurts to type a little bit. this shit isn't symbolic, i just wanted to vent about it. as for the title, i remember i saw some texts talking about how there is a difference between dissociating and disassociating. i feel like those two words really sum up the past two weeks.

let me tell you what's really been crawling under my skin. i've been trying to get something passed by my other organization members, and one of them has been taken forever. the thing is, it would take like maybe ten minutes for this person to just look the document over but nooo this person's taking their sweet ass time. let me be so for real, i didn't want to ask these fuckers for their approval, but i need it so that the document can be passed without my ass getting in hot water for moving forward without everyone being in agreement. i didn't want to ask them about it 'cause idk where they stand and i really strive to avoid getting more pissy white folks on my back but i must be honey with the way i'm attracting these white fruit flies. god speaking of white folks, i don't know. you ever just not feeling the right vibe with some folks? there's this other organization i'm kinda with and like. it's just not it. like you'd think you'd be able to be friendly with folks that you're collaborating with even if you aren't staying in their organization, but that's not the vibe i've been getting as of late. i'm gonna do something about it soon, i just gotta buckle down and do it regardless of how it's perceived. i just read that and that sounds intense but i'm just describing leaving the organization. i'm being very strong and brave ngl.

i guess that touched on the disassociating part. i don't fully fuck with these two organizations i guess. it's like i'm a puzzle with multiple, very different pieces to me and every time i interact with some orgs, i realize that there are more pieces to me and that those pieces could never really connect with others in those orgs. man. i hate when people are nice just to keep you in the org. just be real man. i need to get some physical items that i normally use my phone for so that i don't have to keep my phone on my all the time. i wanna throw my phone into a big ass puddle outside. forget burning bridges they're being flooded. i don't even know how to talk about the dissociating part. well it wasn't really dissociating in the ways that i used to do it in. it was more like daydreaming for hours and hours. so yeah not healthy but not dissociation in the way i understand it. clickbait ass title. i've never daydreamed like that before as far as i can remember. i usually distract myself with books, shows, games, etc., but i've never been stuck in my little world. it's stopped now, but it was really disruptive when it was happening. i'd set timers to try to snap myself out of it before i had tasks that i couldn't skip, but sometimes i'd be too engrossed to leave my mind. i wonder if it kinda goes back to how i've been struggling with orgs and maybe my brain finds the daydreaming stress-relieving. i don't like thinking back to this, but the daydreams weren't even creative. it'd just be a few scenarios played out again and again with some variations. i'm a mouse on a wheel somedays. i don't know. i don't even know what mental health and/or neurodivergent stuff i got nowadays. i don't even know if there's anything new that's wrong with me. it'd be worse if there's nothing wrong with me. i can't fix nothing. there's still stuff i'm motivated to do at least even if i'm frustrated. somebody the other day asked me if i was okay. "are you okay?" first of all, stfu. if i waited to be okay before doing the things i wanted to do, i'd be waiting for the rest of my damn life. i should go to the garden soon.

#vent #writeblr #writing #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #maladaptive daydreaming

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myinnerchildletters · 2 years ago

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7/4/2023: Letters to and From School-age Child

Dear K,

I'm a little worried about the way that the things that have been going on at home with your parents and sister are affecting you. Can you tell me how you're feeling? You can be honest--they're not going to find out, and even if they did, they can't do anything at this point. It's OK to open the box and let your feelings out.

Love,

The Fairy Queen

---

Dear Fairy Queen,

I feel really alone all the time. I'm so isolated. I don't know what family means. It means...nothing to me, I guess. I'm so detached from that word. I was thinking recently that I feel so separate from it, like I'm not part of it. It's like a vague greyness.

I'm tired all the time, too. I'm so lazy and stupid and don't want to do anything. Mom and Dad think I'm just lazy, and that's true, but I have no energy to do anything anymore. I want to lie in bed all the time, and it's SO unhealthy and bad for me.

I HATE "going places" every weekend, and I hate that my mom calls it that stupid name, like it's just something fun and ordinary. I HATE it. I feel so anxious and sick to my stomach. I literally wake up early and just read and try to get my mind off it, but it doesn't work.

I wish Mom and Dad would listen to me once in a while. They think I'm bratty, which I am, but I'm so tired and miserable. I mean, I hate "going places," and yet they think I'm supposed to be happy about it? They KNOW I don't like it, but they drag me everywhere anyway. I hate it.

And I'm so nervous and get anxious easily. I don't even know WHY. It just happens. I think I have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes, I think I have health problems. Mom and Dad say I'm just freaking out, but I'm not! It's real!

Nobody ever pays attention to me, either. I'm just alone. I feel empty inside, and sometimes things feel like they aren't real? It just happens out of nowhere. I just blink, and--boom. It's like I'm looking at the world through a TV screen. It's scary. I notice that it gets worse when I'm playing my Gameboy for so reason.

I'm so tired. I wish I could start over. Nothing feels good anymore. I told my online friend Alisha that I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to. I'm scared about the future and going to high school, too.

I just feel really sick and tired and want to cry and scream at my parents, but I can't do that. Nothing feels right. I don't know. I don't feel right. What's going on with me? Am I going crazy?

Love,

---

Dear K,

So, you have childhood depression and anxiety. I didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult, but you tick off all the boxes. You're also experiencing something called "dissociation." When you feel like everything's not real, that's your brain trying to escape reality because of stress.

Daydreaming is a form of dissociation. You've done that, right? That's when you're "taking a break" from reality. However, what's happening now is your brain trying to escape the stress that you're under.

I get that you're under a lot of stress at home and at school and have worries about the future. That's why your brain behaves the way it does. Weirdly, it's trying to protect you, but it's not really helping us, is it?

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with you, and you're not going crazy. Millions of people have depression and anxiety that started in mid-childhood, and plenty of other people dissociate, especially when they're under stress.

I hope that helped explain some things for you!

Love,

The Fairy Queen

#school age #letter

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alchemistdoctor · 10 months ago

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I really hate a lot of the body stuff in the way this stuff is taught. It's so far removed from some of the science it just- augh. It feels very over-influenced by practices like yoga where there's some concept that peace in the body brings peace in the mind, so happiness in the body must mean happiness in the mind? Sympathetic magic is a good term.

When it comes to crisis tolerance or stress tolerance, certain body practices have some merit. Releasing muscles that go taut, for example. Tight muscles use up energy, make it harder for blood and lymph to flow through the body, irritate nerves, cause headaches, lead to joint issues, etc. So consciously relaxing means you aren't using up precious energy to stay tense. It means your body can cycle nutrition and immune necessities easier. It means you're less likely to develop chronic nerve pain in that area, and less likely to strain joints in that area.

All of those things mean that while it won't fix your stress, you have a little less to be stressed about. Even if you can't mentally feel that, a long term effect is there- a patient with anxiety, for example, that has skill in relaxation techniques, is less likely to end up with stiff joints, tension headaches, and things like hypertension or immune issues.

One of the most common places to tense up is the shoulders and neck. That's the area bringing blood and nutrition to your brain. Releasing tension means less pressure on the nerves and vessels there, which literally means your brain has a little more boost to clear thinking.

Staying tense hours before a conflict just wears you out; a boxer who stays tense and anxious all day has less energy than a boxer who relaxed about it.

These are the types of things I want people to understand about body concepts and therapy. No, relaxing your shoulders when thinking about something stressful will not release the stress. But it will reduce the stress giving you a tension headache.

The happiness stuff- if you smile you'll eventually be happy!- is, in my opinion, a holdover from real bad times in psychology. All I can think of is the woman held in a psych ward for depression, wearing a smile mask so she would associate herself with smiling. Fucking terrifying bullshit.

If you really want to Pavlov yourself into some form of happiness even when dealing with a certain concept, I suggest doing exactly that: Pavloving yourself. Reward yourself every time you deal with the concept, even if you don't succeed. Eventually dealing with it becomes less frightening because you know even if you fail you will at least get a little treat.

Anyway. There's my two cents.

People who don't have aphantasia, who can see images in their head and such, I have a question.

When you have thoughts, do you hear them in a voice in your head? Like, if I "think to myself" something like remember to do the dishes, I don't actually think it as a phrase, its...conceptual, just a thing I know. Until recently I've always thought things like "I can hear it in my head" or "I thought to myself" were just idioms.

If I think about needing to do the dishes I don't hear it or get a visual of the dishes or whatnot. Do you?

I'm struggling yet again with DBT partly because I keep running afoul of the wording, and I can't tell if I'm taking it too literally or if it's asking me to do something a lot more abstract for me than for other people or what. We're in "mindfulness of current thoughts" at the end of the distress tolerance unit, and they keep saying things like notice the thought, don't judge the thought, watch the thought to see where it came from, you are not your thoughts. And like...okay...but I am. They come from me, they're part of me, I cannot watch a thought, it's a thought. Why would I judge it? It's me, I don't have emotions about my own thoughts, they're in my head so nobody can see them anyway.

But I'm beginning to think that there's a certain binary most people have where they don't consider their thoughts to be so integrated into their consciousness. I thought maybe it's because they can hear them or similar, and with aphantasia it's not a binary or even a spectrum, it's just in you. At least that's how it is for me. It'd be like telling me to notice but not judge the function of one of my kidneys. I mean, mission accomplished on not judging, but I don't have a way to consciously observe the kidney, it's on its own journey.

Anyway I just wonder. I'd like to understand at least one thing from this unit before we finish, but my track record suggests that I would do better to radically accept the reality that I will not.

#psychology #adhd #ptsd #body relationships

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dreamescapeswriting · 4 years ago

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Unspoken Challenge ~ Bang Chan [M]

WORD COUNT: 4.2K

GENRE: Smut, fluffy, nerdy/dom chan

PAIRING: Nerd Bang Chan x Reader

WARNING: Light choking, squirting, Chan dom...I think that’s it

A pen was tapping over and over again on the desk behind you and it was starting to stress you out. The class was already hard enough you didn't need some moron making it worse, you took in a deep breath trying to push down the urge to smack whoever it was behind you. They'd done nothing but tap the pen onto the desk as if they were anxiously waiting for something to happen. As time passed the pen tapper got faster until you finally snapped, turning around and slamming your hands onto the desk making the pen tapping stop.

"Do you have any idea how god damn annoying you are?!" The boy behind you smirked as you snapped at him, he'd been doing it to wind you. Felix was the University player and liked it whenever girls talked back to him, it gave him a reason to shamelessly flirt with them.

"The dog bites, I like it." You rolled your eyes at the boy who had a giant smirk on his face. Lee Felix, he was one of the popular students at your university and you hated him and his group of friends. They did nothing but wind you and another student up - Christopher Bang - claiming that you were both cheating on tests or they would come up with some kind of nasty rumour about you both this week alone it was that you'd slept with the entire football team. It wound you up that they were always so cruel to Chan when he was nothing but sweet to everyone he met, it didn't bother you so much when they were mean to you but when they were mean to Chan it pissed you off.

"What's up princess? Chan cant get it up and satisfy you in bed?" A bunch of snickers followed the comment he made but you just rolled your eyes again, turning to face the front of as you started waiting for time to pass. 'princess' was Chan's nickname for you, no one else's and it irked you that someone else had the audacity to use it on you. All you had to do was make it through this one lesson and everything would be fine, you could go and find Chan, Minho and Seungmin and go for lunch. The only thing getting you through this lesson was the thought of lunch with your boyfriend and two close friends.

"We all know what you're after, a good dicking but you're not going to get it from Chan," Felix whispered in your ear as he leant forward to you. He noticed you watching the clock above the teachers head and chuckled softly,

"You can come to me anytime, I'll show you how a real man should fuck you..." Hearing his words you drowned out his voice thinking about the first time that you and Chan had been together...How he was nothing like you thought he would be. See, everyone had Chan pegged to be the super quiet, shy and nerdy type...Which he was but once you got him into the bedroom it was as if an alter ego took over. You called him Christopher since Chan hated whenever someone would call him by his long name.

"Running late?" Minho smirked as you began sprinting towards the student library as you ignored him but he just ran alongside you, teasing you repeatedly as you rushed to get to the door.

"Minho, fuck off. If I'm late again Chan will kill me." You mumbled as you slowed down to a walk outside the door, pushing the double doors open to see Chan had already packed up his things.

"Chan I was caught up at work-"

"Whatever, you clearly don't want to get through the class. I'm not wasting my time with you." You hated that he was blowing you off, you'd been trapped at a late shift so you couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't as though you had Chan's number so you could let him know what was going on. He was so private he wouldn't give you his mobile number or where his dorm was, you'd tried to get it from him but he wouldn't tell you.

"Chan I need to pass this class, work kept me behind and made me do a later shift...I want to pass this class please-" You were following him out of the library as he walked away from you, keeping his head down as he tried to ignore the fact that you were there. You weren't going to let him get away with ditching you, not when you really needed this from him. There was no one else you could go to. No one was as smart as Chan and he knew that.

"It's Friday night, just go out and drink...Whatever it is you do on a Friday." He mumbled to you, stopping himself from walking when you stood in front of him. This was the first time he looked at you properly today, you weren't in your normal attire. Normally you'd be in jeans and a low cut top but today you were in a diner dress and some tennis shoes. The nametag on your dress being the giveaway that it was your work attire.

"We can do this Monday, I have plans tonight." He mumbled moving away from you but all he could think about was the dress you were wearing and the way you looked in the dress. He wasn't an idiot, he knew you were good looking but he also knew you were out of his league so he was never going to do anything. That didn't stop his mind from wandering about things though, the things he would do to you if you were his and he could have his way with you. Punishing you for being late to an important study session, punishing you for the way you wore low cut tops and bent over in front of him. Sometimes he thought you only did those things just to tease him.

Minho chuckled at you as you watched Chan walking away, his leg was kicked up on the wall behind him as he laughed at you.

"You're not going to drop this are you?" You shook your head at his question and demanded Chan's dorm room number. You knew they were living in the same dorm building and he had to know where Chan was. There was no way you were going to not study, Chan was the smartest kids in the university and not to mention in your course. He was your only hope of passing the test on Tuesday.

The door swung open but Chan didn't seem too happy to see you standing there. The smile on his face dropped and he rolled his eyes, he thought you were the pizza he'd ordered himself. His ''plans'' for Friday night were to sit alone watching the new Anime that had come out with a pizza.

"I told you we could study Monday-" He went to shut the door but you pushed your foot in front of it stopping him from doing so if you were anybody else he would have continued to shut the door.

"Chan, the test is Tuesday. Please. I'm hopeless without your help." He nodded at you not disagreeing that you were hopeless in it and not being able to resist the puppy dog look in your eyes so let you into his dorm room.

"You get one hour, any more than that I'll charge you." You excitedly threw your arms around him, jumping up and down as you thanked him over and over again but his mind was racing. You were still in the diner outfit that made his mind wander over everything, he could feel your chest pressed against him that made him bite his lip.

"Y-Yeah, come on in." He stuttered out, pushing his thick black glasses onto his face as he shut the door behind you.

"What exactly is the part you're struggling on?" He questioned as he walked you into the living area of his apartment, sitting you down and sitting beside you with his own books.

"If I say all of it will you kill me..." He raised his eyebrows at you and shook his head, he had no idea how you could have been struggling with any of it. He was helping the tutor grade papers and all of yours were on par with his. You were smart to say you were one of the popular girls in the University,

"I've been behind because of work, I haven't had time to get as much studying as I would like done." He nodded along with you and then he started questioning you on small bits from the classes that week. Wanting to know what you did and didn't know so he could come up with a studying style that would be best for you.

Later that night you woke up to a blanket being laid over you, you flinched looking up to see Chan standing there. He'd been grilling you for most of the night with questions and when his pizza finally arrived he shared it with you. Choosing to help you rather than throwing you to the curb like he said he was going to do,

"You fell asleep, you looked peaceful so I was going to just-" You shook your head, telling him that he didn't have to explain himself to you.

"C-Can I come over during the weekend? I don't have a shift so I can study for longer. Unless you have plans?" You suggested, getting up from the sofa and hunting around for your bag, the only plans he had would be the anime and he liked the idea of helping you far more than that.

"I don't have plans...You can come tomorrow." He whispered as he began walking you to the door, checking outside of the door to make sure the male tutor wasn't around and you wouldn't get scolded for being in the boy's dorm. The one rule on campus, no girls in the boy's dorms, no boys in the girl's dorms.

"Thanks for this Chan, I owe you one." Without even thinking, you stood up on your tiptoes to give him a small kiss on the cheeks. His ears began to turn a bright red colour making you giggle as you quietly snuck out of his room and headed home, looking forward to the weekend of studying with him. Chan's hand slowly raised to his cheek as he touched where your lips had been, he groaned to himself ignoring the tent that was starting to pitch in his jeans. It was just a stupid kiss yet his mind kept wandering back to the butterflies he'd been feeling.

The next night you were sitting together after studying all day, it felt as though you were in class rather than studying. Chan had different tests laid out for you, flashcards and study folders all laid out for you to work from.

"I could rip my eyeballs out, how do you get all of this done." You yawned at him, it seemed as though he just glanced at a page and the information would instantly be implanted into his brain.

"You're like one of those Aliens, aren't you? You absorb information with one glance!" The fake gasp that came from you made Chan laugh which sent butterflies to your stomach, you'd not heard him laugh like that before. The smile on his face was enough to make your whole body feel like you were floating, he looked so cute when he smiled like that. A small dimple on his cheek and the way his eyes scrunched together,

"You have a really pretty smile," You whispered before you even realised you were talking aloud, a giant blush spread along Chan's freckled cheeks and his ears turned a brighter red than before.

"I'm sorry cutie, I didn't mean to embarrass you." You squeezed his cheeks playfully but his hand gripped onto your wrist to stop you from babying him like you were,

"Don't treat me like I'm a baby, I'm not." He growled at you, you were taken back a little not expecting this side to come from him it and interested you a lot.

"I-I'm sorry, I was just playing...You are cute though Chan." Your comment was only met by another growl and he moved away from you muttering something under his breath that you didn't hear.

"Chan?" You went to reach for him to apologise but he grabbed your wrists again, pinning you to the sofa below him. You squirmed under his grasp looking up into his dark eyes as he stared down at you,

"I'm not some cute little nerd," You let out a small whimper as you looked up at him. A pool went down to your core at the way he looked at you, his eyes had darkened over and it wasn't the nerdy Chan you knew. You squirmed once again under his grasp.

"Squirming so much and I haven't even touched you," He smirked and you could have sworn the nerdy Chan you knew was gone and replaced with whoever this was now.

"You're so pretty when you're scared...Maybe I should fuck you dumb huh? Then maybe we can fill the brain with the study material...Stop you watching your phone every four seconds." He'd caught you reading through something on your phone that wasn't the work he was setting you and he didn't care what it was he just didn't want you to waste his or your time. This side of him made you excited but you also wanted to tease him for it see what else he was hiding under the nerdy persona he was exhibiting,

"I bet you'd cum as soon as you put it in me," You challenged, looking him in the eyes as you bucked you hips up to meet his. He licked his lips watching you as he nodded along with what you were saying, not agreeing with you but accepting the unspoken challenge.

"Is that a bet?" You nodded your head at him and he smirked, throwing his glasses down onto the coffee table where your books were left unattended now.

"If I win, you study all weekend and you owe me a favour." He told you as he let go of your wrists completely watching to see what you do.

"And if I win, which I will...What do I get?" He shrugged his shoulders,

"Whatever you want, but trust me, kitten-" He bent down to whisper in your ear this time,

"You're not going to win." His voice sent shivers down your spine and you bit down on your tongue as you watched him closely, wanting nothing more than to make out with him on the spot.

"What makes you so sure? You're just a nerd-" You stopped talking as soon as he pulled the hoodie off from his body revealing a pack of abs you never would have guessed were under there.

"Concentrate darling, anyone would think you have a thing for the nerd." He growled grabbing you by your neck and standing you up as he carefully walked you towards the bedroom. He hadn't even touched you and you could feel how wet you were, practically leaking through your panties.

"Strip," He ordered as he slammed his bedroom door shut, sitting on the edge of his bed as he watched you closely. You smirked at him, slowly undoing the zip of your black jacket before revealing a black lowcut top you'd worn a couple of times before. He kept his eyes on you, giving no inclination as to what he was feeling or thinking as you stripped.

"Slowly," He whispered getting down onto the floor in front of you as you got to nothing but your panties. You hissed as he slapped your thighs and you slowly began to lower your panties.

"So fucking wet for the nerd." He chuckled as he watched the way your arousal stuck to your panties before he threw you down onto the bed. Kissing you roughly as he let his tongue explore your mouth you wrapped your arms around his neck as you relaxed into the kiss. Feeling sparks fly out of your body the moment he kissed you. The kiss intensified and he smirked, dragging you to the edge so you were displayed out for him, he ran his hand over your thighs.

"Spread them," You did as he said and looked at him as he watched you closely.

"Do you want me to touch you?" You nodded desperately, hopeless for some kind of touch from him.

"Where do you want me to touch you? Use your words," You wanted to scream at him just to touch you but you didn't, you stayed quiet as you looked at him.

"H-Here," You whispered running your own finger over your clit but he slapped it away before slowly rubbing his thumb over your clit. You bit your lip, holding back the moans that were trying to escape from you,

"Don't hide the moans, let everyone know who's making you feel good." He ordered you as he thumb continued to rub your clit in circles vigorously. You moaned out, rolling your head back against the mattress as you enjoyed his touches. Pathetic and high pitched whimpers leaving your lips whenever he would change the direction of his rubbing,

"Feel good baby? Is the nerd making you feel good?" He questioned in a condescending tone that only made you more attracted to him. When you didn't answer him he wrapped his other hand around your neck, applying a small amount of pressure making you choke out a moan.

"Answer me."

"Yes! F-Feels so fucking good!" You cried out only to be met with a slap against your clit making you cry out again, he let go of your neck and pushed two fingers into you.

"So tight princess, have you not fucked someone in a while?" He questioned as he began to rock his fingers in and out of you, using his other thumb on your clit again.

"N-No...N-Not s-since last year." You whimpered not knowing why you were telling him you hadn't been laid in a while.

"Maybe that's why you're always so pent up...Just need a good fucking," You nodded at him as you desperately began to plea for him to let you cum. He only rubbed your clit faster and smirked up at you,

"Can I cum? Please?" He chuckled darkly as you begged for him to let you cum, you were dripping down onto the sheets each time he pulled his fingers out of your cunt.

"Want you to ride my thigh first." You were shocked at his words but without hesitation, you pushed him to sit down on the bed and you straddled his thigh. Moaning out as the thick fabric came into contact with your bare core.

"F-Fuck." You whimpered as you began to slowly move your hips on his thigh. Rocking back and forth as he put a finger on your clit making you cry out.

The friction was getting too much for you and you were crying out his name. Your head laid on his shoulder as you rode his thigh.

"You can cum now, like a good girl." He whispered, and just like that you did.

"Chan!" Your hands dug into his arm as you continued to ride his thigh. Cumming onto the fabric of his jeans before he pushed you down onto the bed again, your legs were shaking as you begged for him to fuck you instead of teasing you.

"I-I get it, I shouldn't have said what I said...Y-You win." You whispered as he began to unbuckle the belt on his jeans.

"You're still so wet princess, and look at the mess you made." You glanced at his trousers and felt the heat rush up your body in embarrassment.

"I want you to make a mess like that on my cock, can you do that baby girl?" You nodded at him,

"Y-Yes Chan," He smirked at how easily you'd turned into a begging and whimpering mess for him.

"Stand up," You did as he said and he walked over to you, chuckling as you struggled to keep your balance. As he kicked off his boxers you sank down on your knees to get a good look at him. He was huge, larger than you had been expecting and it made your mouth water. You wanted to taste him, you needed his cum but before you could even put your lips on him he shook his head at you. At first, he was going to let you but after seeing how excited you had been to do it he stopped himself wanting to prove you wrong.

"Lay down and spread your legs." You did as he sat and he smirked watching you.

"Good girl, so wet for me as well." He chuckled as he began aligning himself at your entrance before sinking into you. You moaned out as he stretched you out, your walls clenching around him as he grunted.

"So fucking tight," You mewled out in response to him and he chuckled moaning when he began to push in and out of you. His hands gripped onto your hips as he began to thrust in and out of you, moaning our your name.

"Feels so good," You moaned out as you felt his cock moving in and out of you. Your walls gripping around him as if he belonged inside of you.

"Shit Chan," You whimpered as he continued to move inside of you, his hips slamming into you as you felt your next orgasm approaching, you squirmed underneath him. Digging your feet into his ass to make him hit deeper,

"So good!" You screamed out, dragging your nails down his back as he continued to push into you, the feeling making your head spin as it felt as though you were floating. The wet sounds filled the air with the sound of slapping skin and moans, both yours and Chan's as he continued fucking into you.

"I can feel you getting closer, do you want to cum?" He questioned, reaching down as he began rubbing your clit. You cried out at the touch and he chuckled darkly, slapping into you harder you rolled your head back in ecstasy.

"Cum." He commanded you and you did. Screaming out his name as you rolled your head back, gripping onto the sheets around you as you came harder than you ever had done before. You whimpered feeling your orgasm keep ripping through you as you clenched and twitched around him, an unfamiliar wetness came from you as you squirted around him moaning out loudly as it did.

"S-Shit! W-What-" You didn't have time to question what it was as Chan began to pump into you. Grunting loudly as he came into you hard, filling you up so much you came around him again at the feeling.

"F-Fuck." You cried out as you came down from your high, panting heavily as he pulled out of you and laid down beside you on the bed.

"Whoa." You whispered as you turned on your side to look at him, the blushing shy Chan was back and you giggled softly.

"Where did he come from?" You questioned, running your finger up and down his chest and abs as you waited for him to answer,

"Where did who come from?" He frowned looking at you as he wrapped a blanket over your body, not wanting you to get sick or catch a cold.

"Christopher." You winked at him and he chuckled shyly, shaking his head at you.

"I hope it wasn't the last time he comes out to play...I-I enjoyed that." The same smirk was back on his lips once he heard your words,

"Well if you study and pass your test maybe he'll come out to play again." He winked at you as you leant forward to give him a small kiss on the lips.

The bell rang waking you up from your daydream, you practically jumped out of your seat to get out of the classroom but Felix was faster. He raced up behind you and grabbed your elbow so you would turn to face him,

"Come home with the big boys," He whispered to you, trying to be as seductive as possible but all he was doing was coming across as a cock.

"No thanks, my boyfriend is waiting for me." You turned around to see Chan standing against the wall, he was wearing an oversized blue sweater you'd gotten him and the new pair of thick square glasses.

"Hi!" You yelled out, snatching your arm away from Felix as you walked over to Chan,

"Why was Felix holding onto you?" He questioned, wrapping his arms around you protectively as he eyed up Felix,

"He was just being an idiot. Telling me how he could fuck me how a real man should," Chan scoffed at the comment and looked at Felix.

"Trust me, the way she screams my name at night I'm surprised you haven't heard." He smirked at Felix turning you around and walking away from the boys who were all watching after you as you giggled to Chan about what you both had planned for that night.

Tagline: @taestannie @kneel-begyourpardon @channiewoo @minholuvs @lkwonmj

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scientia-rex · 2 years ago

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I feel like I haven't been writing enough lately, not in the sense of needing to write a story--although God knows I haven't been doing that either--but in the sense of writing like I used to, in journals, to try to untangle my mind. There are dangers in writing down what's been happening and trying to make sense of it. It's easy to find myself steering by whatever is easily verbalizable, and to be drawn to the anxiety provoking and depressive.

But when there are a lot of things happening at once, and particularly when a lot of people who aren't me have strong opinions about me and what I'm doing and what's happening to me, that don't jive with what my own opinions about the situation are, sometimes it's nice to have the chance to try to unspool it. Am I a bad person? God, what a boring question! But I keep asking it and I keep trying to answer it, without success. As if I'd be capable of truly believing that I'm a bad person, no matter what I'd done. No one is. To exist is to be the end product of millions of years of evolution without the need for self-justification. Our philosophical attempts to determine whether our existence is worth it are just the thinnest possible layer of paint over a giant boulder of very, very old instincts to survive.

The tension of depression is, if you ask me, often the tension between the idea that maybe I am a bad person, against the deeper fundamental knowledge that I am not. And that knowledge isn't real knowledge--it's not coming from some real place--but it doesn't have to be. It is simply a thing our brains take for granted, like down is down and up is up, and you can fall down but you can't fall up. If I'm a bad person, shouldn't I kill myself? But no matter how deep the self-hatred runs, no matter how painful it is, it is also coming up against that ancient instinct for self-preservation, absolutely screeching in your mind like a railroad spike dragging over rock, and you cannot settle it. You can never settle it in favor of self-hatred. Suicide ends up being this response that depends on catastrophic moments; real suicidality can't last. The intensity of the urge ebbs away if the attempt is prevented by even a few minutes.

I have no idea how many patients I've seen after suicide attempts; it's too many to count, by now. But that's how it is. It's a moment that passes. Even if the self-hatred remains, because whatever led to the attempt isn't magically fixed, it's back to the ceaseless tension rather than unbearable certainty. And suicide is an attempt, very often, to fix that tension. People who look from the outside at someone who's so depressed they're catatonic think it must be a calm state, but it isn't. It's a hell of conflicting impulses. The impulse to love yourself against the impulse to hate yourself. The feeling that if you moved, you'd do something so horrible that you must not move.

I've been thinking a lot lately, so this is what I did everything for? I spent seven years in various circles of Hell so that I could be a doctor. Training to be a doctor was awful. It's bad for almost everyone, and it was horrendous for me, with my history of anxiety. Over and over again I thought about suicide. And over and over again I didn't go for it. I always had reasons. Sometimes they were very, very small. A new book. A cat to play with. Sometimes they were huge. I wanted to move home to a different kind of hell and take care of the queer and trans youth there in a way no one else would or had before. So I didn't kill myself, and I kept going, and I finally graduated residency. I thought, okay, maybe there's still lots of stress, but as I'm in practice longer, that will get better. Right?

And it's been 15 months now. And I'm depressed, and I'm tired, and I'm thinking, this? This is what I was holding out for?

But it isn't, really. I'm doing some of the things I meant to, but I'm also changing clinics because I feel like the one I'm at took all of the energy and time and love and, yes, money I threw at it--I made menstruation stations for the bathrooms at work, I put up little shelves and stocked them and re-stocked them over and over again with tampons and pads and Poopourri--and still tried to fuck me over four times in quick succession. And then asked me why I was so angry, and blamed me for my anger. Zero self-recognition or reflection.

And with changing clinics comes all of this guilt, all of this weight. And fear: what if it doesn't work out?

But I still have something to hold out longer for. I have this step next, and then when my commitment for partial loan repayment is up (it will still leave me with 220,000 dollars in educational debt, and that is with me having completely paid for undergrad between my scholarships and my parents and me working) I have another step. At that point I can drop to part time. And then I have another life to look forward to. More sleep. More hobbies. More writing.

Life is going to get better. For me; not necessarily for everyone. We need to make it so life gets better for everyone, but at least for now, for me, I can look at a time ahead where I won't want to die so much and so often.

I have very few good things to think about right now. Any direction my mind wanders down, there's guilt and fear. But there is going to come a day when I am living something much closer to the life I want to live.

#the attending dr. kristophine #tw suicide #cw depression

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beautifulterriblequeen · 3 years ago

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:O I just read your whumptober fic! It was good but,,, why would you hurt us like this?

I shouldn't answer this in the mindset I'm in (walked into a trigger while trying to do something nice for someone, been a bad brain day ever since) but I'm a fucking moron so I'm gonna.

cw for illness, trauma, injury, surgery, stress, anxiety, family stress, autistic burnout, pandemic, chemotherapy, near-death

Firstly, unless specified, my fics aren't for anyone but me. I'm glad other people enjoy them, or hate the horrible angst, though. Collective feels are a powerful force, and I enjoy feeling like I'm a part of something.

Secondly, that fic in particular is very specifically for me. I have had three Shittiest Year Evers in a row now and I was losing it.

First year, my career imploded and I didn't know why because I didn't know that I had autistic burnout from too many years of trying to be allistically perfect in public and watching everyone sail past me like I was anchored. Most of those years, I hadn't known I was autistic, either.

Second year, Pandemic Boogaloo, in which the stress of allasudden being responsible for teaching my two differently ND kids during spring quarter with no aids physically broke me and I ended up in the hospital, and it took most of the year to get over it. Meanwhile my husband's insurance company fucked him over in January and he had no meds for several weeks, so his health began an irreversible decline that led to severe weight loss, several urgent tests, and lifesaving surgery two days before Christmas. I got to sit and watch him dying faster all year long. My last StL update that year - the big chapter - was written and posted under the growing shadow of the very real fear that my husband might not live to see 2021 at all.

Third year, this year, they found cancer in the bits they'd taken out of him. He started chemo, and it hit him hard, and he was stubborn about it, and I started having really bad anxiety. Had to fire my therapist, which sucked. Then husband's back burst a disc, probably weakened from the chemo. He still hadn't recovered from his Christmas surgery but we were off to another surgeon. And I was there, every day, to watch him be depressed, and angry, and weak. I utterly failed at keeping my kids on task in schoolwork. They were both remote and entirely disconnected, and I could not stretch myself enough to help all three of them. So I picked my husband. My son passed his classes. My enby didn't. And then I got really sick again. In and out of doctor offices, ER, surgeon consults, got scans. It's been six months and they can't figure out what it is, which means it's probably just me trying to worry everyone into being okay. Upside: my brain really is that powerful. Downside: I just can't use the damn thing for anything useful under this amount of stress.

There have been good things. Kids are happier this year, husband is getting good test results back. But I haven't had a good break this year. Or last year, or the year before that. I haven't processed this yet. Any of it. It just... hovers there, haunting me, screaming at me like a drill sergeant.

I tried to write fluffy Ruthari to get me through the hard times. As my husband got sicker and sicker, I wrote and wrote, trying to process, to balance. But it got to be too angsty irl, and I just lost my will to write fluff. It's not a magic charm. So in the spirit of the dark and the spooky, I decided to make a list of really horrible things I've had to endure. And then I gave them to Runaan in the dungeon. Because he can take it, when I can't. That's what drew me to his character in the first place. Not his voice or his long hair or his archery or his brooding. I saw his trauma, and I said: I want that one. He will understand.

So that Whumptober? That's me, hitting Runaan with all the things that hit me first... and him not breaking under the strain. I need to see that it's possible to survive this hell, but so far, no one's really made it out the far end of it, so I had to go fictional and still keep it relevant. I blew off enough darkness to be able to write other things recently, and also to feel really awkward for planning something in October that I finished less than half of. They say never to take fics down, but I've been considering it because it's just so chunky and chaotic and I wrote it ugly and fast and it was like, half vent and half fic... Anyway it's wobbly. Concept good, execution unclear, hellcoin deployed.

Actually its a perfect representation of my mental state. Full of pain and torment and spiders and threats and liars and bad food options and lost memories of an earlier time when things were good and soft and you didn't know just how good and soft they'd be in comparison to the fresh cold hell you're living in. I really am cold. I've been cold for six months due to necessary clothing choices, see... and also it's my turn to be losing the weight. Maybe I'll hibernate this winter in a blanket nest.

If you're not ready for the unholy state of my soul as I write this, don't read my Whumptober. It's a curse, half written, and its purpose is to lift several other curses. It's psychological sausage, and you know what they say about watching sausage get made.

Don't.

#asks #personal #tw illness #tw injury #tw autistic burnout #tw chemo #tw surgery #tw anxiety #tw pandemic #tw trauma #tw ptsd #runaan #whumptober #maybe i should update it with the dead dove tag?

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lastoneout · 4 months ago

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venting about my problems to make myself feel better don't mind me

Anyway so like, my personal medical history has involved several medical procedures that I was told would be painless or at least only mildly painful, but turned out to be so horrifically painful and upsetting it's legit been traumatizing. This is probably due to my fibromyalgia because that's basically "pain hurts worse" disorder, so the doctors weren't necessarily lying about it not being painful for the average person, I'm just not the average person.

Additionally I am a victim of SA and so let's just say being forced to sit through something awful being done to my body that I have no real control over is Extremely Upsetting and I can't even make it through a fucking pap smear without crying.

I cannot stress enough, my body processes these painful, invasive procedures as trauma. I have had to go to therapy to deal with the lingering emotions. Nothing is more upsetting to me than having no control over what's happening to my body even if it's something important or that will help me feel better. That is my biggest, most impossible to overcome phobia, something happening to my body that I have no control over. To this day I just cannot trust a doctor when they say something will be fine and not painful. I have been told that so many times and it's never true. It hurts and piles more issues on top of my existing baggage. Like just hearing the phrase "see, that wasn't so bad" legit triggers me because IT'S ALWAYS BAD. It's dismissing my feelings and condescending and I fucking hate it.

So yeah needless to say having to be awake for a surgical procedure that allegedly will be relatively painless is my worst fucking nightmare. Especially this procedure. I won't go into too much detail but this involves threading something up through the veins in my arm all the way to my brain. This is like, a nightmare. Body horror level stuff. It feels violating and it hasn't even happened yet. If I had to come up with the most horrific, invasive thing imaginable this would be it. I am almost positive I am going to have to process the aftermath of this in therapy. I'm genuinely worried I'll get there and be so hysterical they can't even do the procedure.

But like I HAVE to do this. My IIH is really bad, my pressure is super high and I have debilitating pressure headaches almost every day. This condition has quite literally ruined my life. I need relief, I cannot keep living like this. Everything I have ever wanted was on the other side of fear, I know that, but god that doesn't make me any less afraid.

The surgeon did listen when I told him about my issues regarding this, I made it clear things that aren't painful for other people are usually hell for me because of my fibro, and I told him I've literally had cavities drilled without numbing medication, I am severely triggered by the idea of being awake for this and they are going to need to give me something to help me calm down, and he assured me they would do everything in their power to make me as comfortable as possible, and they will be giving me pain medication during the procedure to help, but he cannot guarantee it will be completely painless.

I do thankfully get to talk to the anesthesiologist before the procedure, they won't be knocking me out but I assume they need to be sure it's safe to give me specific medications, and I'm also going to tell them that they need to give me something to help me calm down because I am almost 100% positive I will be sobbing and freaking out when I get there because of my history of traumatizing medical procedures and the fibro making pain worse for me, but I just have to pray they take me seriously and don't assume I'm being hysterical or some shit. Though I'm sure if I do get there and I am sobbing and freaking out they'll believe me about this being extremely upsetting for me. I mean I've legit had procedures canceled because I was freaking out so bad they couldn't even do what they needed to do.

I am also going to see my therapist tomorrow and she said she'll help me practice some skills to manage my anxiety and help me get through it without it being a nightmare, and she'll also give me a letter stating that I am being treated for trauma related to these things that should help convince them I need accommodation, but like sdlkjfdlkfj I am still SO fucking scared.

Anyway yeah end vent I'm going to go do more dishes or something to help me chill out.

so my neurosurgeon does think I need some sort of surgical procedure to help with my IIH, but before that he wants to do another procedure to measure the pressure in the veins that have the stenosis so he can decide if a shunt or stent is a better option, and while this is exciting because Relief From My Symptoms, I have to be awake for the test and due to my personal history I am 99% sure this is going to be complete traumatizing hell for me and I currently cannot even think about it without bursting into tears and feeling like I'm going to throw up, so this is great yeah having a good time I love being alive

y'all have no idea how many dishes I've done just as an attempt to manage my anxiety

#ask to tag #personal #negative #vent #if you are squemish don't read this #cw sa mention #cw medical trauma

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clean-bands-dirty-stories · 5 years ago

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The Best Things ~ J.V. (part 8)

A/n: This part is super upsetting. Character death, graphic violence, I dare even say gore. Homophia, which I should have been warning a while back I am so sorry for that. Things are gonna get HEAVY- I am so sorry lol.

Word Count: 3800+

Playlist

Masterlist

"Nah, you're not crazy," Harleen giggled.

"Says you," Y/n teased, rolling his eyes. "You may have a doctorate, but you're also bias."

Her smile widened. "Okay that's fair." Y/n sighed, sitting back in his chair. He looked down at his hands, smile small as he got lost in thought. "What's on your mind?"

"Harleen is kind of a mouthful," Y/n told her. "Do you like the name?"

She tilted her head, as if considering. "I never did. When I was younger I had a friend who called me Lee, but with things happening-" Y/n's face scrunched up and Harleen snorted. "Exactly. Name's already taken- and it would be even weirder if I went by Dr. Lee, so I scratched it."

Y/n nodded. Then he sat forward, his elbows resting on the table. "So you've never had any other nicknames?" She shook her head and then shrugged when Y/n donned a surprise expression. "Well I have to give you one then. That's what friends do, right?" She grinned at Y/n's words and he watched the room get a little brighter. She was magic like that- as if she was made of sunshine. Her happiness was contagious, and she made the world a little better. She was accepting and also calm, making him feel safe as well as loved. She was his best friend and he was hers and they gave each other something they couldn't get with anyone else: unhindered fun with absolutely no expectations. It was an odd place to find real friendship in, but here they were anyway. "What about... Leena?" She immediately shook her head and he chuckled. "Uh... I mean, there's always Harley."

She considered that. "You know what, I like it." She crossed her arms. "Harley Quinzel." She nodded. "I'll allow it."

Y/n rolled his eyes. She was only like four years older than him, but had far too quickly fallen into a rhythm of acting like an adult talking to a child every once in a while, as a joke. Whether she was flaunting the years she had over him, or the schooling, Y/n wasn’t sure, but he refused to acknowledge it and it had become an unspoken inside joke between them. "What about you? I have to give you one now."

Y/n shrugged. "I don't like nicknames."

Harley tilted her head, the bottom of her blonde ponytail brushing her shoulder. "Why not? You like giving them."

"Well, yeah..." He bit his lip. "It's just, every bad guy has a code name, you know? Oswald Cobblepot goes by Penguin. Edward Nygma is going around as Riddler. Then there's Mr. Freeze. I just feel like if I take an alias, it'll be official you know? I'll be as crazy as the people I associate with and as evil as everyone says I am."

Harley hummed. "Okay, that's fair." She sighed, raising her hands to rest her chin in her palm. "Speaking of people you associate with. You and Jerome..."

Y/n's mood darkened. It had been a while now and Oswald was gone and Jerome still hadn't made an appearance. "I think he's mad at me." Harley tilted her head in confusion and Y/n shrugged. "I left with Alfred because Bruce needed me. Didn't give him a heads up, and then went missing for, like, months..." He shook his head. "Maybe he thinks I've gone back to my old life, or that I've left him behind. I just feel like he's avoiding me and one doesn't usually do that for no reason, so I figure-"

"What if he's just busy?" Harley proposed.

Y/n snorted. "With what? Reading a really good book series?"

Harley pursed her lips. "I guess you have a point."

"Why do you even care?" Y/n asked, raising his hands to knit his fingers behind his head.

Harley stared at him silently for a long time. She had the look on her face she always does when she'd trying to read Y/n's mind. When she's analyzing everything she learned in school and looking at the actions and words that he was currently giving as context, as well as past ones, and then somehow putting it all together to figure out the secrets sometimes even he didn't know. The same magic that made Arkham home also gave her the ability to read minds- Y/n had determined she was a proper superhero.

After she reached some kind of conclusion - she always nodded after she'd done the reading and then switched which leg was crossed over the other - a little smile teased her lips. She was trying to hide it. And failing. Y/n tried not to be curious. Usually when Harley didn't tell him something it was because he wasn't ready to hear it... but that smile. It was too late. He had to know. "What?"

Once he asked, the gate broke and she grinned. "You're in love with him."

Y/n snorted. "No. I'm not." The coy curl of Harley's lips added to her raised eyebrows to make Y/n doubt himself, even though he could feel his feelings and knew that it wasn't... he didn't... no way. "He's important to me," Y/n gave. "I care for him. But... love..." Y/n shook his head. "I don't know about that. There's been too much going on- I haven't had enough time with him."

She nodded, expression serious, as if this was a very important discovery. "I call Maid of Honor at the wedding though." They locked eyes as Y/n went to tell her off, but then a slow smile rose to her face as he realized she was joking. They both busted up into laughter.

"Whoever I marry, the position is yours." He winked at her and she flipped her hair, both of them giggling.

A timer went off. Harley stood, gathering her stuff and sighing. "That's my cue. Same time tomorrow?"Y/n nodded then stood.

He draped his arm around her shoulders. "You know, you make this place bearable. You're a real friend to me." He kissed her forehead. "What would I do without you, hm?"

She rested her head on his shoulder for a second before they began walking and it got too awkward to coordinate. "Probably the same thing I'd do without you. Be alone and miserable." She popped up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. He pretended to gag and she fell into a short fit of soft giggles. "You're an idiot."

"Ah and yet what I lack for a brain, I make up with a big-" He cut off and she groaned. "Heart," he enunciated. He smirked and she rolled her eyes. "I have quite a large heart, full of love for my favorite gal." He shook her slightly, making a point that said gal was her.

"Every lesbian deserves a best friend with as little brains and as big a heart as you," Harley joked.

"And every gay deserves a best friend with as much brain and just as much heart as you." He finally let her go as she moved to the door that would lead outside. This is where they parted- her, to home, as he was her last patient as per usual. Him, further into the Asylum where he would have dinner then return to his room to be alone and sleep. Goodbyes were the pair's least favorite part of the day. "Until we next meet, Madame," Y/n initiated, pulling away to bow deeply.

Harley grabbed her doctor's coat lightly, pulling it out as if it was a dress as she bowed back. "I shall count the seconds." They laughed one last time, waving before she turned and left. He watched her go until she disappeared. She turned back several times to wave yet again, until she couldn't see him either just by turning around.

The second she was out of sight, the world lost a little color. It was a little darker. His smile got smaller and Y/n's shoulders sagged. He shoved his hands in his pockets before turning back to the hallway that lead to his room, beginning the trek.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him. People rarely touched him. The only person that touched him like this was one that Y/n hated so much that his hands curled into fists in his pocket, his face suddenly cold and empty as he stared straight ahead, halfway through a step- his foot on the ground and extended, but not carrying him forward as it had been intended to. He took a deep breath through his nose. Unfortunately, in all the chaos and people getting booted from Arkham after beating on Y/n, the one person that meant the most hadn't been caught because everyone refused to rat him out.

The man who'd started it all.

"You and her..." The older guard mused, a nasty smirk on his ugly face. "I thought you were gay." He said it mockingly, like he'd caught a child who hadn't said they weren’t hungry sneaking food when everyone seemed to be asleep.

Y/n rolled his eyes, forcing his body to relax as he faced the man. The monster. "Not every girl in the world was born solely for men to shove a dick into them, Jameson." The older man glared and Y/n smiled, getting satisfaction. "As a matter of a fact, Harley and I are just friends."

"You're pretty affectionate for just friends," Jameson argued. Y/n still didn't know the man's first name. He didn't care enough too. He didn't want another name that tasted bitter in his mouth. He already had his fingers crossed he'd never meet a cute boy with the last name Jameson, because the name alone would ruin Y/n's chances before he'd even taken a shot. No reason to make it even harder for himself.

"We're comfortable around each other." He rolled his shoulder back once, slightly stiff from sitting so long. Jameson wouldn't attack, knowing that Y/n would report him instantly- especially in such an open space, with cameras and the chance of someone rounding the corner any second - but one could never be too safe, just in case. "She gets me like no one else does. But, as you so wonderfully pointed out, I'm GAY." Y/n enunciated the word, going the extra mile by taking a step closer to stress it even more. "Girls aren't my thing."

Jameson looked like he wanted to deck Y/n. The younger boy's lips curved into a mocking smile in response. Now the guard was the one who had to control himself. "You guys have a lot in common?"

Y/n shrugged, too caught up in his casual gloating that Jameson couldn't act out like he wanted to- like he used to be able to. "Enough. We talk a lot. She's cool." He relaxed thinking about Harley. "She doesn't think I'm crazy. It's nice." He cleared his throat, focusing back on the enemy in front of him... only to immediately be confused by the very odd expression on Jameson's face. "What?"

"Nothing," the man dismissed, moving to leave. "I've heard enough. You're both a waste." He shook his head as he left and Y/n glared at his back until he was gone. Then the boy turned back toward the cell and finally made his way.

Man, why did he have to be surrounded by such assholes? Why couldn't Harley be around all the time? Why couldn't he be free? They could get an apartment and talk all the time. Help each other get through life and protect each other from unwanted attention. Be themselves all the time. Make jokes and exchange irritated expressions when idiots like Jameson said stupid shit like he always tended to.

Tomorrow. He'd see her tomorrow. That wasn't too far away.

He could wait until then.

Y/n's knees gave out from under him and he fell, cracking them on the cement. He didn't even feel it. His attention was being completely held by the TV, which was turned onto the news. It was a small screen that had been installed in one of the Day Rooms recently. They were rarely ever allowed to watch the news, though. In places like Gotham, far too often the news held very upsetting content that set inmates off- either into panics, or into violent rages. Y/n had stood to turn it off when he'd realized what news was being shared. Someone had been murdered. Old news. This was Gotham. Then he'd heard the name.

"23-year-old Harleen Quinzel was found dead earlier today. Her body was badly beaten, with words carved into her stomach. It was the cuts on her wrist that were the cause of death, though it's been determined that none of this was self inflicted. We received a photo of the body recently. Beware: what you're about to see is not for the faint of heart."

Suddenly the screen was showing the broken body of Y/n's best friend. The sunshine girl with the bright smile and the contagious laugh. The girl who was going to be Y/n's Maid of Honor. Y/n's better half. She was limp and unmoving, her eyes wide and empty. Her skin was pale, nearly white, except for where dark, huge bruises and blood discolored it. Her hair had been cut off, the blonde locks left next to her head but clearly detached. Her shirt had been rolled up to letters on her stomach- carved as promised.

There was an L next to a G, in a circle and crossed through once. Underneath the symbol read: Sinner.

Someone was talking, but Y/n couldn't make out what they were saying. A hand in his shoulder and he looked over to see a concerned guard. A woman. She knelt next to Y/n, but she wasn't the one touching him. No, that hand belonged to Jameson, who had a sick expression on his face- a cross between smugness and victory, muted as if he was trying to hide it, badly masked by some version of concern that was so unconvincing that Y/n ripped his shoulder out of the older man's hand.

He was on his feet again and running. Out of the room and to his cell- despite all the people who kept asking him what was going on, and someone in the very back changing the channel as the news reporter announced, "If you have any information, please contact-" Y/n ignored the rules. He ignored the people yelling at him. He ignored the people trying to stop him. He just started running and he didn't stop until he was in his room, where he opened the door and closed it behind him. His heart was ramming against his chest and all he could hear was the rushing of his blood in his ears. He saw black spots and felt an emotion bubble up that he couldn't even begin to put name to. All he knew was that it was dark and twisting and it was very quickly consuming everything good.

Something in him broke. It snapped off. Something vital. Y/n was aching, but he didn't know what it was or where it had fallen to as he lost it. He just knew there was suddenly a gaping hole where something very important used to be, and he felt absolutely terrible with it gone.

On the upside, he could finally breathe. His chest loosened and his body relaxed and as the door opened behind him, he turned to see the person with complete calm.

"Jameson." The word was not a greeting, but more of an observation. No. It was an accusation. The older man smiled and Y/n's insides began to twist and boil- less like a tightening of anxiety and more like a snake, seconds from attacking. "Why?" He stepped forward. "She was innocent."

Jameson scoffed. "You think you two are subtle? You two act like you're together and then talk about how you're not- you just 'get' each other." Jameson shook his head, cracking his knuckles. "You're spreading your sickness, Y/n." The snake coiled tighter, hissing and spitting. Y/n felt his calmness very quickly drop, perfectly placed with rage. His body didn't move, he just suddenly had a bunch of energy and he was waiting for the perfect moment to use it. "You two aren't quiet either. Strutting around here acting so out of line, in front of me. Acting like you're not being evil." Jameson scoffed. "You're evil, Y/n. And if they wouldn't let me punish you here, I'd have to get more creative. Even if you don't see it, you're in love with her. What you think you are is unnatural, and I knew if you could see how you really feel-"

Y/n's hand was around the man's throat. Jameson tried to push the younger boy away or claw his hand off, but Y/n just rammed him into the wall behind him. Jameson's head cracked against the grey wall, his efforts suddenly becoming useless. "You think I'm dangerous as a disease? You're so desperate to cure me. You're about to find just how very dangerous I am, Jameson. All on my own, with just my two hands." And then he began to squeeze. Jameson writhed and fought and clawed but when he started to get strong, Y/n would smash his head again or ram his knee into the man's junk and the efforts died down once again.

It took longer than Y/n thought. Jameson started to change color, his eyes bulging and his lips moving desperately but nothing coming in or out. Just when the man seemed about ready to pass out, Y/n let him drop to the floor. He gasped, clawing to try and get away. Y/n smiled, toeing the door gently closed. Jameson squirmed away, features taken over completely with terror. Y/n felt amazing.

"You will never hurt another person, ever again." Y/n squatted down, taking the man's thin hair in his hands. "Me however?" Y/n giggled. "You've helped create a monster. Know that every person I kill in the future is on your hands. Every injury is your fault. I'm not a violent person, Jameson." He snorted. "Well, I wasn't. But it seems you fuckwads only answer to violence, so..." Y/n shrugged casually. Jameson shook his head, choking out pleads for his life. Y/n snapped the man's neck and he stopped begging. It was so easy... The silence was wonderful. Y/n felt a weight lift off of his shoulders. "I'm done sitting idly while assholes run Gotham." Y/n stood, not even bothering to do anything but leave the door wide open as he walked calmly away, grinning like an idiot.

Something had been broken and lost indeed. It was Y/n's self control. His moral compass that kept him grounded and toeing the line between good and bad. It was the thing that kept reminding him he was a Wayne. That he was a good person. That he had a family that depended on him, in some way or another. That he had Alfred and Bruce, who he did want to visit even if he also wanted a life outside of them. That he had Oswald, who most often found solace in Y/n's sanity and depended on his restraint to reel him in when people were trying to set him off; Oswald needed Y/n's sense to balance his emotions. And, overall, Y/n was driven by pure spite not to let those damn reporters be right. He would be good and successful and he would show all of them that he could be more than the black sheep of the Wayne family. The disappointment of Gotham. The failure, always in the shadow of the Golden Boy younger brother Bruce Wayne.

But those people who Y/n cared about so much had let people like Jameson walk around, unhindered and unchecked. They had let him get beat up for a very long time before he was nearly killed and their hand was forced. They had let evil people run around and control things while they locked up Y/n for being gay. For being attracted to a man even though he wasn't a woman. There were murderers running wild, with super powers and incredible genius, but the problem people were deciding to focus on was that Y/n was gay.

Well, he was done with the lot of them. He was going to get out and prove to all of them that he was more than a Wayne. More than a mistake. More than a shadow. More than evil or good. More than Bruce's older brother. More than the one dude who had feelings for Jerome Valeska. More than one more gay plague on the face of the planet.

They wanted a monster? They would get one. And Y/n wasn't going to stop until he was satisfied, even if it meant all of Gotham had to die.

"Knock knock."

The door opened and Y/n looked over, his face finally showing emotion as his surprise rose. "Jerome?"

The redhead smiled, striding toward Y/n as if he has a tasty treat to share. "My little lover boy." Jerome hooked his finger under Y/n's chin. Y/n yanked his face away. Jerome frowned. "Are you mad at me, pretty boy?" Y/n glared at him. "I'll take that as a yes." He leaned backward. "What have I done, My Darling?"

"You've been avoiding me. We haven't talked in, like, months Jerome. What the fuck?"

"A tad dramatic," Jerome hushed. "And not totally fault." Y/n opened his mouth to argue but Jerome gently grabbed Y/n's throat, pressing his fingers gently into the skin. Their faces were suddenly very close and despite himself, Y/n suddenly felt a thrill to finally feel their skin touch as cheek brushed cheek. "I've been busy planning our escape, if you hadn't noticed." Y/n's eyes drifted to see a nervous Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch. "Come with me, won't you? I think we've been apart long enough."

Y/n suddenly began to relax. He didn't manage to smile, but he did get excited. "Well... lead the way."

Jerome left an excited kiss on Y/n's cheek, letting his hand fall away from Y/n's throat in favor of shooting into the air in victory as he giggled, turning to his two partners. "And so we all escape! Come now, we don't have much time." Y/n stood as Jerome lead the way, all four of the men finding their way out of Arkham Asylum finally.

The fun was about to begin.

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