#i just realized i like... never post things from the server on here

[myhamartiaishubris]

Ben Hargreeves is the worst written best character and I can prove it

This is a poorly organized meta/essay about my baby boy who got massacred. Originally posted in the discord server so some of y'all have seen it already.

Let me be clear: this is a love letter to my favourite Hargreeves boy. I could write him better. I could fix him (narratively).

Here's why Ben is a great character who, paradoxically, was very badly written.

Umbrella Ben

Listen. Listen to me. Ben Hargreeves was, from the moment I saw him, my absolute favourite character. He's already dead? Doomed by the narrative before the narrative even begins? Also, an East Asian character in the year of our Lord 2018?? I was on board. And Brelly Ben gets a lot of good moments! You know that scene where Klaus is in the motel closet, tied up, and Ben says something like, "How does it feel being helpless? This is how I feel, watching my brother piss his life away." Um, hello?? That's such a delicious line.

Because up until this point Ben's been kind of quiet, in that dead broody way, or we saw his young self being soft and reluctant. But suddenly we realize, oh, Ben isn't nice. In fact, he's kind of nasty to his addict brother, and you get this kernel of a glimpse into his character. This is a character who might have been soft-spoken in life, but death and the years since have shredded him down to all his razor edges. He's still that bookish little Ben, except he's not little and he's frustrated, angry, traumatized, and in pain.

And season 2 builds on this! He's willing to violate Klaus's personal boundaries just for a taste of life again. Holy shit that's so delicious. My problem is that, especially in season 2, this isn't explored nearly as much as it could be. Ben's possession shenanigans are mostly played for comedy, when in fact we could be delving into the implications of Ben's character and his relationship with Klaus. You have this character who's kind, who (from what we know so far) represented the "good" of the academy, who loves his brother so so hard and it hurts him so bad to see Klaus hit rock bottom every time. The little "I missed you guys" in season 2? Devastating. And yet despite his goodness he is capable of being a bad person, and he repeatedly hurts those around him (namely Klaus).

So surely this is part of his arc, right? This is going to be explored and resolved. Right?

The Season 2 Ending

So the thing is, I didn't immediately hate the way they had Ben move on / die to save Viktor. I was sad to see my favourite character go, but also excited to see where the writers would take that storyline. Because, obviously, it wasn't over. Right? Obviously Ben's arc isn't finished, he hasn't resolved his frustrations, his complicated relationship with Klaus is never fully untangled, plus the rest of the family never get a moment of real closure with him (except maybe Diego). So clearly, it wasn't over. Right?

Well, in light of season 4, I can confidently come back and say that killing Brelly Ben off here was a stupidass decision.

And here's why: you've effectively splintered his arc in half. Starting from season 3, Ben is an entirely different character, with an entirely different arc that needs to be built from the ground up. While everyone else gets 4 seasons of development, Ben only gets 2, both times. And I'm so not over the fact that his arc isn't over. We saw Ben do some reprehensible shit to Klaus, especially in season 2 with all that possession shit! And we just. Never hear from him again? That's bullshit.

But anyway, since we're here, let's make peace with being here. Hey, Justin H Min is still playing a version of Ben, and he seems interesting, if way different! Surely this will have some interesting implications.

Sparrow Ben

Oh god, Sparrow Ben. In terms of Ben's character writing, season 3 is... fine. Like I said, it suffers from effectively fracturing his arc in half and having to start over, and this isn't the complicated, kind but frustrated and prickly ghost Ben I originally fell in love with. But ok, I do like Justin, and EA rep is still a win to me, so let's go with the flow.

For the most part, season 3 does a solid job. We get some solid beats relating to Ben's ambition and inferiority complex being Number 2. There's a bit of overacting on Justin's part, but hey, that's camp. (I think. I have no idea if I'm using that word right. Am I hip with the kids?)

I really, really loved Ben's moment with Sloane as she's getting married, because it highlights the core of this Ben's character: someone who desperately yearns for family but has forced himself to be all hard shell and soldier. In a way, he's the other end of Brelly Ben's spectrum. (Like forsterite and fayalite - all Mg on one end, Fe on the other.) How much of this Ben is family softness, how much of it is defense mechanism and lashing out?

And then of course - the thing I've been craving so badly - the in-universe comparison to Brelly Ben. This was done... underwhelmingly, if I'm honest. I liked that Ben had a moment of crisis where he couldn't live up to the Umbrellas' dead version of himself, and his moment with Klaus was nice, but in light of season 4 it becomes clear that we could have had more. I wanted him to have an entire arc about it - after all, it's a pretty significant aspect of your character to be "the worse version of yourself from another timeline." (Refer to @vyther16's Gongye Jiwu fic.) I feel like there's a lot of meta you could pull from that, about how your siblings who aren't your siblings look at you and see someone different. Someone you won't be. Someone you can't be, even if you tried, so why bother trying? And they really don't dig through that at all, which is disappointing.

The tentacle samurai fight is badass, though.

Season 4

Oh buddy oh boy. There's so much dumpster fire here, but I'll start with the season 3 loose ends and then move on to season 4's own problems.

1) Sloane. Luther picks Ben up from prison, so I thought they might have an interesting bonding moment over Sloane - after all, they're the two people who cared most about her. But actually no, apparently Ben doesn't give a shit about the one real sister he actually had left at the end of s3.

2) The subway thing. Wasn't he in Korea? My grasping-at-straws ass truly thought that might have been Brelly Ben in the reset timeline, and we'd get a Ben-Ben confrontation or a battle in the minds thing. But I guess that doesn't matter.

3) The Jennifer Incident. So we all know that everyone forgetting about an incident they explicitly reference is stupid, right? Especially because the name Jennifer only exists because they reference it in s3. Ben obsessively draws Jennifer, and then he doesn't recognize or know her? Kill me.

The continuation of his arc is also just sloppy, if it even exists. No more identity crisis about being the worse Ben, no more secret yearning for family or inferiority complex about being a good soldier. Suddenly his arc amounts to, uh, being an asshole and getting hit with sex pollen so powerful it ends the world.

And look, there is a world where Sparrow Ben spiking everyone with marigold could parallel with Brelly Ben's consent problems with Klaus. There is a world where Sparrow Ben dying because of Jennifer could echo Brelly Ben's death in a haunting, tragic, destined kind of way.

But, uh, none of that happens. Here we are, finally getting a Ben-centric season, and it's this. Being relegated to a plot device in your own season. Looking back and realizing that you were always the plot device, even in season 2. Carrying all that tragedy in your little ghost body and being treated like Chekov's waterlogged gun.

And I can't help but look back at season 1, Klaus trying so desperately to prove Ben's existence, and contrast it with the literal next season where a single throwaway line from Klaus sidelines Ben for a whole season. And then he dies. And he dies again.

Fucking hell.

It feels like I'm being made a fool of. Oh, you cared about this East Asian character? You wanted him to have narrative weight and character presence instead of being a plot device for the benefit of his White brothers? Idiot.

Because you'll still be here anyway, right? You'll grasp onto your crumbs for a cool EA character, you'll let us run a character through a trash compactor and keep pretending he's a good character because you latched onto this one East Asian protagonist and you don't want to admit that maybe you should have let go years before.

[matan4il]

Update post:

The biggest thing everyone's talking about on the news in Israel right now is the finding of a MASSIVE Hamas compound underneath UNRWA's main headquarters in Gaza, and finding proof that UNRWA were supplying the compound with electricity and internet services, supply which allowed Hamas to develop their intelligence, used during the Hamas massacre among other things. When Israel published the finding of the compound, the head of UNRWA claimed they found nothing up until October, and weren't able to check anything since. Israel responded by pointing out that a compound so developed most likely took no less than ten years to dig and build, and that UNRWA was repeatedly told that Hamas is operating under its headquarters, but chose to ignore this. What I think is most telling is a tour taken by an Israeli journalist in the compound, where they showed him that the server farm in the Hamas compound is found directly under the server farm of UNRWA, and that cables from the latter were running down into the terror tunnel compound directly beneath it (source in Hebrew, here's a vid in English giving viewers a tour of the compound, I'll attach the vid itself below, too). Something like that doesn't happen by coincidence, and without the knowledge of those in the server farm above groud. Some of the cables were also cut in the UNRWA server farm, like someone realized the IDF was coming, and tried to hide the link between the two server farms. As one officer pointed out, if you're an innoncent, interenational humanitarian aid organization, you have no reason to cut the cables of your own server farm, or remove the name tags from the doors of the rooms inside your headquarters. You only do that if you have something to hide.

Israel's army has been fighting Hamas in all of Gaza, except the southern city of Rafiach (Rafah in English). There are a lot of Gazans there, who have been evacuated from other zones. There's also 4 Hamas regiments there, which means Israel will have no choice but to fight there. So the only question is how to fight in that city, in order to minimize the harm to the civilian population. There are reports that Israel's Prime Minister has asked the IDF to present plans both on how to fight Hamas in Rafah, and how to evacuate the civilians.

In that context, I got to hear a radio interview with an Israeli minister, who used to be the head of Shabak (Israel's equivalent of the FBI). When asked about the US warning for Israel not to fight in Rafah during the upcoming month of Ramadan, Avi Dichter said that it has never been a month during which Muslims have not fought in wars. In fact, in 1973 the Egyptians and Syrians (with soldiers from even more Arab countries fighting alongside them) chose to attack Israel on Oct 6, despite Ramadan that year starting on Oct 4, causing the war to be known in the Arab world as "The Ramadan War." More than that, in Israel Ramadan is always a time of peak alert, because so many terrorist attacks are carried out during it (here's an example from Mar 2023, when Hamas was encouraging individuals to carry out terrorist attacks during Ramadan, and here's another from 2022). Dichter suggested that if Muslims can carry out terrorist attacks during Ramadan (and it has happened outside Israel, too), the war in Gaza which was started by Hamas can continue during it.

On an Israeli TV news panel, someone shared the estimate that over 100,000,000 dollars (one hundred million dollars!) is the sum of money that Hamas made just since the start of the war from selling to the civilian population the humanitarian aid that was allowed into Gaza, and which Hamas stole from the Gazans (more than once, by using violence).

This is Chagit Rein.

She lost her son Benaya in the Second Lebanon War, back in 2006. I got to hear an interview with her following the fact that during this war, she decided she would try to visit the shiva (the mourning week following a burial) of every fallen soldier. According to her, she has so far visited the families of 400 soldiers killed on Oct 7 or since. "If they see me, then it's living proof that there can be a life alongside the loss. That was our kids' last will and testament. They died so we could live. So we have to live." When asked what she's asked most often when she visits the families, she said it was what she did first after her son's shiva. "My other son was being drafted into the army, so the first thing I did was to accompany him in that." She was asked whether there were moments when she was overwhelmed herself. She replied that she's seen wounded soldiers making incredible effortrs to come to the shiva of others who were killed, to offer their families some comfort. In one case, an injured soldier recognized her, and told her that it was thanks to her son Benaya that he was an officer in the armored forced. He tried to hug her, but was at first unable to get up or reach her from the stretcher he was on. Chagit recounted that she tries to make sure her visits would be about the families she's conmforting, not about herself, but that's when she broke down and cried.

This is Doctor Elai Chogeg-Golan with her husband Ariel and their baby daughter, Yael. On the right, their house in kibbutz Kfar Azza.

On Oct 7, due to Hamas' massive rocket attack, Elai was inside the bomb shelter in her home with her family from 6:30 in the morning, when Gazan civilians got in at around 1 in the afternoon. The Gazans tried to get the family to come out, but it wouldn't. Then, those invaders set the house on fire, probably thinking that would force the family out. Instead, Elai and the family tried to keep themselves safe using water. At some point, she recounts they even fought face to face with the Gazans, who tried to beat them with sticks from the outside. She said she managed to grab a stick, and beat them back. These Gazans then threw in two gas balloons into the burning house. Elai says that most of the burns she sustained were from the fire ball that that created. At some point, the Gazans moved on, and that's when the family got out, because the whole place was on fire, they were choking from the smoke, and even the roof collapsed. They hid nearby, but then baby Yael lost consciousness, and the parents decided to try and get out of the kibbutz. At the entrance, they met soldiers who helped get them to a hospital. Elai had severe burns on over 60% of her body. She was in a coma for 53 days, but incredibly, they all survived.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[luigra]

Why the nuke ending was good and important for the story, and why it was NOT retconned: an important essay

So, I& assume that most people here have only really watched DSMP through Tommy's POV. Maybe a few other of the most popular POVs. Even more people have just... straight up never watched the actual streams and got all their info off of social media. I& get it, I& can't blame you. But because of that you all have missed out on the absolutely crucial reasoning for why the nuke ending needed to be Like That.

I& will try to sum up Jack Manifold's lore here real quick, but I& can't ever do it justice in a text post, so I& implore you all to watch at least one or two of his lore streams, preferably the one in which he exploded the hotel and his POV of the finale, those are the two best ones lore-wise, and he re-explains his motivations quite frequently.

The biggest thing with his character is that he has always been forgotten about. Treated as a side character to the "main protagonist". He was never noticed, his three deaths were completely ignored, and no matter what he would do, people would always look past him to focus on whatever the big plot was. In his own words, he tried to kill Tommy and he didn't even care.

As the result of this mistreatment, literally having everything taken away from him - his home, his friends, his lives - he tries to find the root of it all, and comes to the conclusion that Tommy is to blame for it all, because he was his friend once but is now the cause of the server fighting all the time.

All of this is to say, he is an important narrative foil to Tommy - where Tommy struggles with just wanting to move past Exile and his trauma, Jack instead clings to everything that hurt him and just wishes to be noticed. He wants his pain to be acknowledged, and in doing so he spirals further and further into self destruction. He burns down Manifoldland. He blows up the hotel.

And finally, he blows up the world.

It was his desperate cry to be seen, a natural conclusion to his mental issues that everybody just ignored. But now, they couldn't ignore him anymore. They physically COULDN'T. And THAT, is why the ending is so brilliant. Because throughout all the trials and tribulations, Jack finally gets what he always wanted. He finally gets to kill Tommy the way he wanted to kill him, and at last, nobody can ignore him, this forgotten and abandoned kid that just tries to make things right, Jack Manifold.

BUT HE ISN'T ACTUALLY HAPPY ABOUT TOMMY DYING. IN HIS LAST MINUTE, HE REALIZES THAT HE'S BEEN MISGUIDED ALL ALONG AND WITH TUBBO'S HELP HE REALIZES THAT ALL HE REALLY WANTED WAS FOR HIS FRIENDS TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HIM AGAIN.

SO HE TRIES TO SAVE HIS FRIEND AND LITERALLY GOES INTO LAVA TO TRY AND REACH HIM (THE SAME LAVA THAT TOMMY THREW HIM IN AND KILLED HIM WITH)

BUT IT'S TOO LATE.

IT'S PURE FUCKING CINEMA.

IT'S THE MOST TRAGIC ENDING EVER. IT'S THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY TO HAVE ENDED THE SERIES, WITH AN UNDERDOG WHOM EVERYBODY IGNORED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, FINALLY GETTING HIS LAST SPOTLIGHT. FINALLY HAVING A SMIDGE OF HOPE THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE MIGHT CARE ABOUT HIM IF HE JUST TRIES AGAIN.

So what does that mean for the latest new stream? It means that Jack finally got his closure and got to talk to Tommy. And he learnt how to move on. He doesn't center his life around him anymore.

But he does wish for Tommy to be happy. Even if he himself can't, even if he's still stuck gambling and addicted and all alone with no one by his side, he finally moved on from Tommy. He finally planted Manishroom in the ruins of his burnt down house.

And the fact of the matter is, this has been streamed from Jack's POV. And now, this is his story. Let him have this. The fact that his actions left an impact is important.

Let us, the manifolders, have this. Please. The nuke ending was never about Tommy or Dream or whatever. It was always about Jack.

[jeonqkooks]

our beloved summer | jjk (07)

You made a vow to hate Jeon Jungkook ever since he packed up and left you without a single explanation, but when he shows up at your door after years of radio silence, it turns out that maybe your resolve isn’t as strong as you thought.

pairing: producer!jungkook x songwriter!reader genre/warnings: exes au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, swearing, mentions of oc's mother because we know girlie is hella traumatized, mentions of drinking, mentions of an almost physical fight, abandonment issues, jk forgets to practice safe driving for 2 seconds, and uhmmm kissing 🤫, anddd that cliffhanger? 👀 rating: 18+ (minors dni) word count: 10.8k note (1): this is the longest it has taken me to update obs and i do feel pretty guilty about that. but it's finally here now and this is one of the chapters that i'm the most nervous about posting. massive thanks to @daechwitatamic and @/wintaerbaer (edited 2024: crossed out but not removed bc even tho she plagiarized obs afterward, she did beta this for me so i guess i still gotta give her that lmfao) for beta-ing this for me or else i would've screamed cried thrown up and scrapped the whole thing, and to @jeonwiixard for being a wonderful cheerleader as i was writing this, and to everyone in my beloved obs discord server for always being so sweet and kind and putting a smile on my smile every day since the server was created. also to my sunshine ☀︎ for introducing me to the song mentioned below bc HELLO is it not just one of the most obs coded songs ever. love you all my babies <3

series masterpost / playlist ; moodboards ; taglist join our OBS discord server ✨

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

Somewhere in the multiverse There's a me and you that works We never fuck it up We're out there still in love Somewhere in the multiverse Maybe that's enough

multiverse - Maya Manuele ft. PEMRBOKE

Sometimes, whenever you look up at the moon at night, you wonder if Jungkook is doing the same thing.

Even when you fall out of love with someone, it still hurts. It hurts because you once loved them so much it felt like the sky would collapse if you couldn’t be with them. It hurts because the love wasn’t taken from you, but rather it started slipping away on its own, more and more each day until you realize you’re holding onto nothing when there once was everything.

You can’t say that you’re too familiar with that kind of hurt though. You’ve never fallen out of love before.

You don’t think Jungkook is too familiar with it either, at least not when he left you.

You wonder if he thinks about you from time to time and gets sad. You think he does, because you know that he loved you. Something ended for him too. The memories that you shared were his memories too.

You hope that it’s painful for him whenever thoughts of you cross his mind, because that would mean that he cares. That a part of him still cares.

And if he still cares, then he might come back.

Despite the front that you try to parade around, there is a part of you that will always leave your heart vacant for him, regardless of whether or not he would return. It’s a scary thought, one that you would rather avoid at all costs, one that says there will be no one that you love more than you loved Jungkook. Maybe there can’t be another person that you will love at all.

You can come back quietly, like the wind slipping through the crack I leave in the window at night; or you can announce your return resoundingly like a sudden downpour quenching the summer heat. I don’t care. I kept your side of the bed empty and warm, waiting for you to come back. Hoping that you would come home.

[08:47] Yoongi: sure you don’t want me to drive you there? [08:48] Yoongi: i can pick you up in 30 [08:52] You: positive 🤧 i told you i already booked the train. it’s only 4 hours away [08:53] You: i’ll survive, yoongs [08:55] Yoongi: did you not watch Train To Busan? [08:56] You: ? [08:57] Yoongi: what if there’s a zombie apocalypse [09:00] You: yoongi if there’s a zombie apocalypse, how is your CONVERTIBLE supposed to keep me safe [09:01] Yoongi: i’ll put the roof up [09:02] You: stop talking [09:02] You: please stop talking. [09:03] Yoongi: 😡😡😡 [09:03] You: 😇 [09:03] You: gotta get dressed now though. i’ll see u when i get back? :) [09:05] Yoongi: fine [09:06] Yoongi: safe travels. text me when you get there :)

You plop onto your bed with a sigh, glancing at the bag that’s already packed and sitting near your wardrobe, lonely. You stay like that for a while, contemplating whether or not you should bail at the very last minute.

It was not on your bingo card that you’d be here, agonizing over your ex-boyfriend’s brother’s wedding. Nope. Absolutely no one saw it coming.

For fuck’s sake, why would they invite you to a wedding? A celebration of love? It feels like you’re being forced onto a prank show, just waiting for someone to jump out and scream in your face.

You learned that the wedding was for close friends and family only, so it would be a relatively small event, which makes it even more confusing why you were also asked to join. Maybe the world is changing too rapidly and you’re just a little old-fashioned for it, but you really don’t understand why your ex-boyfriend’s family would want you there.

Taehyung and Jimin were invited too; they’re Jungkook’s best friends after all. They’re practically an extension of the family, Jungkook’s brothers by choice. But Taehyung doesn’t come back from his work trip until the day of the wedding, and Jimin… Well, he just doesn’t want to go to a Busan wedding in the middle of winter.

So why are you even going?

You could’ve declined. Said you couldn’t attend because the invitation came in so late. Made up a work trip or a family emergency. There’s a plethora of excuses you could’ve used.

Or you could’ve simply said no. That would’ve been perfectly fine too. No one would even need to ask why.

But maybe it was because his mother had customized the invite with her own handwriting in the back. You would’ve missed it if you hadn’t spent hours meticulously studying the card like someone was going to quiz you. It wasn’t anything special - just We hope to see you there - but you think you’d feel really bad to decline after she’d made the extra effort to ask you to come.

When you told Yoongi that you would be attending Jungkook’s brother’s wedding, he didn’t seem upset. Still cool as a cucumber. Although if he was bothered by the announcement, you don’t think he would’ve let it show. It did take him a minute to take it in, but then he just pecked your cheek and asked if you could bring a plus-one. You both knew that you wouldn’t even if that was an option.

Pushing your body off the bed, you drag yourself to the bathroom to splash some water on your face. Then sunscreen. Then change into the clothes you’d already picked out last night. Your train doesn’t leave for another hour and fifteen minutes, but you want to be there at least twenty minutes early just in case. This is one of your only good habits.

You rub your eyes when you finally haul yourself outside, thinking you must still be dreaming because what is Jungkook’s car doing here?

You blink a few times, expecting the vehicle to disappear in a puff of white smoke.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.

The car is in front of you, but the man is nowhere to be found.

You stand there dumbfoundedly, contemplating whether you should wait it out for a little bit to see if he’s actually here. He comes running up to you a couple minutes later, holding two paper cups in his hands, one of them a chai latte. A memory you’d buried long ago comes rushing to the surface. It’s too early for you to be feeling.

“Hi,” he says, his warm breath coming out in a huff of smoke in the crisp morning air.

“Hi?” you mutter dumbly when he trades the bag in your hand for the drink. There’s a moment where you’re genuinely baffled, wondering if this is a memory reel playing right before your eyes. This is your Jungkook, wearing that same old smile whenever he used to come bounding up your dorm building so you could walk to the library together, where he would hang out with you during your shift if he didn’t have classes. “What are you doing here?”

You don’t remember telling him what time your train was, so he’d probably badgered it out of Taehyung or Jimin somehow.

“I thought I could drive us there,” he says. “I texted you about it.”

Well, that explains it. You don’t bother with his dozens of messages anymore. “Oh, uhm, I already booked the train.”

This doesn’t seem to faze him at all. “Free cancellation up to 15 minutes before departure.” Jungkook grins, clearly eager despite your obvious reluctance. It’s too early for this, whatever the hell this is.

When you told him that you had RSVP’d yes to the invitation, he was surprised that you even knew about the wedding. He even seemed nervous that day.

“What if I’d already left?” you ask.

He blinks, then stammers like a confused child. It’s cute, and you have to mentally slap yourself over the head for even thinking that.

“Then I’d go after you.”

How? you scoff internally. Unrealistic.

Regardless, not even an hour ago, you were declining Yoongi’s offer to drive you there. Now, you’re standing here, in front of your ex-boyfriend, contemplating whether or not you should go with him.

“Let’s go,” he says after a minute. “We don’t wanna be stuck in traffic.”

“I haven’t said yes.” Yet. “It’s a 4-hour drive.”

You don’t have to clarify what you mean. He understands it.

You both just stare at each other for a moment, the tension suddenly thickening with every passing second. Four hours on the road. Four hours alone in a car with Jungkook. That’s about two hundred minutes more than you think you can handle.

It’s like he can see right through you. “Don’t think about it,” he says, voice dropping lower. “It’s just a weekend. Everything will still be here for you to think about when we get back.”

In your head, it translates to: All of our shit will still be here when we get back. You can keep being mad at me then.

You hope that’s not true. You hope that when you get back, the things that keep you up at night will simply cease to exist. That in the two days you’ll be gone, a genie will materialize and solve all your problems for you.

Either way, it’s probably for the best that you aren’t mean to him this weekend. You’re stuck with him for the next 48 hours or so; it’ll only stress you out even more if you channel all of your energy into tormenting him. Besides, you’re already the ex girlfriend who has no place alongside his family. You don’t want to be the dark cloud raining on everyone’s parade too.

Maybe you’d already made up your mind when you let him take the bag from you.

For the first half of the drive, you were unconscious.

It’s a useless superpower that you have, the ability to fall asleep anywhere - literally anywhere, including in the passenger seat of your ex-boyfriend’s car while he escorts you to his hometown. Melatonin gummies manufacturers hate you.

You could’ve slept the whole drive, but around the second hour mark, you were startled awake when your body jostled forward, straining against your seatbelt uncomfortably. There was an arm trying to hold you back, despite the seatbelt having done its job well.

“Fuck,” Jungkook curses before he turns toward you, worry written all over his face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, are you okay?”

You blink, still half asleep. “I’m okay,” you say. The minivan that Jungkook almost rear-ended continues on its merry way, carrying what seems to be a family of five. “What happened?”

He sighs, his outstretched arm retreating back to his side. “I got a bit distracted, that’s all.”

You take in your surroundings then. There’s barely any other cars in sight, no tacky billboard that sticks out like a sore thumb to catch your attention. There’s just the freeway, stretching on empty for all you can see.

“By what?” you ask.

“Nothing,” he says. “Go back to sleep. I’ll wake you when we get there.”

See, you have the superpower of falling asleep anywhere and everywhere, but once you’ve been woken up, it’s not as easy to fall back asleep.

That, and the fact that you’re hungry as shit.

You open your mouth, about to say no, about to offer to drive the rest of the way if Jungkook is tired, but your stomach doesn’t let you get a word out. It growls, filling the space of the car, making you want to chuck yourself out the fucking window and run all the way back to the city. This wouldn’t have happened had you taken the train, because if you had, there would’ve been food services and no one would be subject to hearing your stomach sing like it’s chewing out a small puppy in there. Life is nothing but an endless pit of embarrassment and despair.

Your arms hold themselves tighter around your frame, practically squeezing into your abdomen as you will it to please, please, please be quiet. Jungkook stares at you, and you can tell by the teeny tiny quirk of his lips that he’s trying to bite back a smile. He’s relaxed, but there’s still something hesitant on his face. It takes him a minute before he finally throws the question out.

“Do you want to go to that guksu place that we used-” that we used to go to, “you know the place. The one that’s right off the freeway?”

The sun is out today. The sky unfolds endlessly just outside the window, coloring blue everything your eyes land on. There are strips of clouds scattered here and there, like delicate strokes of white paint on an azure canvas. Even the winter cold has to soften.You bite into your cheek. Don’t think, that’s what he had told you.

Not much about this quaint restaurant has changed. The quirky decorations are still where they used to be, the windows still the same unique stained glass that you never came across anywhere else. You remember the elderly woman who runs the place, even if she doesn’t have a single clue who you are. The golden retriever you used to fawn over every time you stopped by, sits quietly by the door and watches the cars pass by, his fur now graying as weariness begins to settle into those old bones.

You would’ve been displeased if the place had changed, because, well, you don’t like change. But then again, this familiarity is dangerous. It tricks you into thinking that everything is still the same, even you and him. Deludes you into believing that you’re still in love and that he’ll walk out of here holding your hand.

Regardless, the first spoonful has you biting back a smile.

“How is it?” Jungkook asks.

It makes you feel all warm inside, and then a little sad, nostalgic.

“Tastes just the same,” you tell him simply.

“Hmm.”

He lets you satisfy your hunger in peace. It’s the least he can do anyway.

There’s a wall near the back of the restaurant, where people could hang polaroids of themselves and cute handwritten notes. You think if you dig through the hundreds of photos scattered across the space, you might be able to find you and Jungkook there, if you two haven’t already been thrown out long ago to make room for new memories.

He pays for your food after you’re both finished, despite some protesting on your side. As you leave, you’re busy thinking that if you could have a moment to marvel at that far-back wall of memories, if you could find a photo of you and him there, you would probably sneak it into your coat pocket.

It’d be another thing to add to your pile of Jungkook memorabilia - the old clothes in the back of your closet, the stack of dusty polaroids at the bottom of your drawer. You wonder if he keeps anything of yours, maybe an old t-shirt that you forgot to take back. It’s probably unlikely, but a girl can hope.

You miss the way Jungkook glances back, thinking the exact same thing.

You survive the rest of the drive with more ease, probably because of the food. You spend most of the remaining 2 hours leaning against the window, humming to the radio, closing your eyes but not really sleeping. You even forget to be nervous about what is to come.

That is, until the car pulls up to the venue.

It’s absolutely gorgeous, and a lot bigger than you imagined - a modern beach house overlooking the waters. It’s not as extravagant as one would expect to see when they come to a wedding, but considering the small crowd in attendance, this is more than enough. You see people rush in and out of the place even from far away - planners, caterers, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, probably.

You feel a bit comforted just watching this. His family seems to be doing a lot better than before. It’s nice to know.

You barely make it out of the car before someone calls your name, and pulls you into a hug that knocks the wind out of you. Although, when you catch the scent of her hair, you instantly know who it is.

Parents usually have a scent that’s distinct to only their kids, a scent so cozy and homely that no perfume can ever mask. You can only describe your mom’s scent with a feeling, specifically the feeling of your chest tightening, tingling with a bittersweetness that you never found elsewhere. 

Strangely enough, Jungkook’s mother has always made you feel the opposite. She makes you feel relieved to be in her embrace, like she accepts you for who you are even if all you are to her, at the end of the day, is a stranger.

You hug her back awkwardly, hesitantly, in front of Jungkook’s dad, his brother Junghyun, and a girl you don’t know. You assume that she’s the bride-to-be, the main character whom this weekend revolves around. Sooji, you remember that was the name on the wedding invitation.

You get choked up suddenly, eyes turning glassy though you quickly blink it away. You’re not sure if you’ve had someone be so happy to see you. Bypassers might even think that you just found the cure for cancer.

For a second there, you wonder if your mere presence has ever made your mother this overjoyed.

You look at Jungkook for help, silently asking him to rescue you. Who else are you supposed to turn to if not him?

He understands that look. “Okay, mom,” he says, entangling her arms from you with ease, “Y/N’s tired from the drive. Let’s let her rest, yeah? I’ll show her the room.”

She ignores her son. “Honey,” she says, brushing your hair away from your face so she could see you better. “Thank you for coming.” She used to insist that you call her “mom”, or at least by her first name because “Mrs. Jeon” was too formal for someone she considered family.

You now have to opt for the latter, because “mom” isn’t an option for you anymore.

“Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Jeon,” you tell her with a smile. You’re not really sure what else to say, but it makes you a little sad just calling her that.

She opens her mouth before closing it again, seemingly about to jokingly scold you for the formality before she recognizes the bittersweet look in your eyes. She just smiles at you then. There’s not much to be done about it.

You don’t know if anyone else sees how the moment is weighed down. Probably not. Maybe it’s just you and her who share this sentiment.

Jungkook doesn’t wait for his mom anymore. Sons, typical. He wedges himself between the two of you like a bulldozer and leads you inside the house. 

Even though all you have is an overnight bag, Jungkook carries it for you all the way up to your room, which is only down the hall from his. Then he disappears pretty quickly afterward, saying something about his best man duties and putting out fires. He seems apologetic as he tells you this, but it’s not like you’re expecting him to babysit you all weekend.

You bore yourself to death in your room for a while, before you remember you have to text Yoongi to let him know you got here safely. Though, you stop short of telling him that it was Jungkook who drove you here. It’s trivial enough, right? You don’t want Yoongi to feel bad over nothing. You do, however, inform Taehyung and Jimin when you text them about it, to which Jimin only responds with a preemptively disapproving ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’

When you get too stir-crazy, you wander outside, hoping to explore the beach before it gets dark and colder. You try to stay out of everyone’s way, because a good guest is a quiet guest. You seem to be doing a good job. No one notices you, not even Jungkook’s mom but that’s because she’s the person you actively want to avoid the most. You don’t know what you’d even say to her if she gets you alone.

Everything is hectic, as one can probably imagine when it comes to wedding preparations. You haven’t had anyone close to you get married yet, so it’s safe to say that you’re pretty much clueless about all of this. You wonder what it’ll be like when your big day comes around, if you even ever get married. You haven’t thought about it in a long time. Why would you? You don’t really have a reason to think about this. It’s much easier to picture Taehyung’s or Jimin’s wedding day than your own.

Your opinion on having kids still remains the same, and you were never one of those girls who daydreamed about having a big and extravagant wedding, but it’s not such a bad idea to ponder about. You still think marriage is a scary thing - it’s one of the biggest commitments a person could ever make - but you’re not entirely opposed to getting married. 

Why are you even mulling over this? Your time might never even come.

When you round the corner to get the steps that would lead you down to the beach, you run into Sooji and a woman holding a thick binder - must be a wedding planner. You give Jungkook’s future sister-in-law an awkward smile in greeting, which she returns much more gracefully before she tells the woman that she’ll be with her in a minute.

So now you’re stuck here, about to make small talk with a person you have never met before, and will likely never see again. Great. 

“Hi,” you say, extending a hand. “I haven’t had the chance to introduce myself. I’m Y/N.”

“I’m Sooji,” she replies warmly as she shakes your hand, and you have to stop yourself from being a little weirdo and thinking about how silky her hair looks up close. “You’re Jungkook’s… friend, right?”

You purse your lips before nodding with a chuckle. The pause tells you that she knows, and you wouldn’t be surprised if she’s uncomfortable having you here. 

“I’m sorry if this is weird. You probably don’t want a complete stranger at your wedding.”

Sooji shakes her head instantly, waving her hands around to dismiss your apology. “Please, it’s totally fine. Junghyun’s mom talked to me about it before we sent out the invites. I wouldn’t have agreed if I was really bothered. Don’t worry about it, seriously.”

“Why did you agree?” you ask, trying to sound as polite as possible. “You don’t know who I am.”

“I guess I was curious.” She shrugs, before laughing lightly as she says, “I used to think you weren’t real.”

“Huh?”

“She talks about you constantly. Never in front of Jungkook, of course. But she’s really fond of you, and you probably already know that doesn’t happen very often. She really does see you like a daughter. She made you sound too good to be true.”

You’re not sure how to respond to that. His mom still thinks about you, still talks about you after all this time. You’re just his ex-girlfriend, but she considers you her family. You don’t know what to do with this information nor the way it pinches your heart.

“I-” You purse your lips, fumbling with the responses in your head. You settle on a light laugh, because Sooji can probably tell that you’re struggling with the words too. “I have to be honest. I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just thought you should know that you’re still very much loved here.” She gives you a kind smile, and it looks like she wants to tell you something else but decides against it in the end. Sooji’s eyes land somewhere behind you before she points in that general direction. “I have to go take care of an issue with the flowers, but look, Jungkook is here. Why don’t you ask him to show you around?”

And then she’s already off. Overall, what a… strange interaction.

You turn around to see Jungkook standing near one of the entrances to the house. As you watch him talk to someone - a bridesmaid, you assume, or just one of the other guests - you try not to think about the fact that there’s a stirring sensation in your stomach, and that it only intensifies when she throws her head back in a pretty laugh, a perfectly manicured hand landing on his arm like he’s the most charming person she’s ever met. 

You don’t give it a name, don’t label it green in color even though you’re blue and he’s golden sunshine. You don’t acknowledge that it’s a feeling, because doing so would make it real and there are certain truths that you’d rather delude yourself into thinking are lies.

When Jungkook’s eyes catch yours and he cuts off the woman mid-sentence with a curt excuse me, you don’t acknowledge that feeling either, but it’s warm and it blooms in your chest as he makes his way to you. It’s something victorious, something that tickles your ribs.

He comes to you like you’re a destination he’s been waiting all his life to reach, and you certainly, adamantly don’t acknowledge the spectacularly dizzying feeling that swallows you whole when he places a gentle hand on your arm, his voice soft as he says, “There you are. I was looking for you.”

The familiarity, it’s catastrophic.

“I was just walking around,” you tell him. “There’s not a lot to do here. I was bored.”

“You have me,” he says. Probably not in that way, but you’d like to think that’s how he means it. “I don’t have any more fires to put out. What do you want to do now?”

You glance over your surroundings, still set on your original plans. You wanted to go alone, but you suppose you can let him accompany you. You check the time on your phone before asking, “Can we go down to the beach? I wanna see if we can catch the sunset.”

You used to do this whenever you came here to visit - walk along the beach, hand in hand, sunlight in your hair and the cool breeze holding you tight in the afterglow.

The keyword here is “used to”. Now, you have to stuff your hands in your pockets just so you don’t reach for him every time you shiver.

It’s late enough in the afternoon for you to see the moon faintly shine against a blue and orange backdrop. Sun and moon, together in the same frame. It feels symbolic somehow. You’re not really sure.

“The moon looks like an egg,” Jungkook observes astutely, taking casual strides next to you. It makes you burst into easy laughter, which makes him laugh with you too. You stop walking when you reach what you think is a good spot to watch the sky. 

“Let’s sit here for a bit,” you say. It’s not the greatest idea - sitting idly by would only make you colder - but you just want to stop and look at the sunset. Once you’re seated in the sand, you respond to his moon remark, “That’s true, y’know. NASA said so.”

“Yeah,” he says, settling down beside you, “you made me read that.”

You’d forgotten about it, and you didn’t think that he’d remember. It’s freezing cold and the moon looks like an egg, but you’re not thinking, and you feel safe. Nothing can hurt you here, or at least that’s what you’d like to tell yourself.

You wrap your arms around yourself to keep from shivering, but you still shiver anyways.

“Are you cold?” he asks.

“A little,” you admit. “I should’ve worn a thicker sweater. But it’s o-”

He doesn’t let you finish the sentence, just smoothly takes off his jacket to put it around your shoulders.

You put your hands atop his to stop him. When you touch him, there’s an electric tingle that almost makes you flinch. He feels warm, still resembling a human furnace. 

“No, you don’t have t-”

“Take the jacket, Y/N,” he says. “It’s just a jacket.”

The jacket smells like him. It only makes you want to crawl further into the warmth.

He seems more self-assured here, that’s what you notice. More like the version of himself that he used to be. Confident, sometimes borderline cocky. Annoying but oddly endearing, you came to love that about him.

His relaxed demeanor is understandable. You’re merely a visitor here, while this is his homeground. 

“I’m curious about something,” he says after a while.

“Okay.”

“What’s the deal with Wednesdays?” he asks. 

“You know how they say bad things come in threes?” You purse your lips, thinking it over, feeling something bitter in your mouth as you recall the events that led to this. “My parents got divorced on a Wednesday. I moved out of mom’s house on a Wednesday. And…” You hold your knees close to your chest as you hesitate to utter this last part, “we broke up on a Wednesday.”

You see the exact moment Jungkook mentally slaps himself, paling a couple shades as he tongues his cheek, not expecting his question to inadvertently lead back to this. It wasn’t your intention to guilt trip him. It was true that he dumped you on a Wednesday, but you don’t want the mood to turn sour, to have to mull over this again. Like he said, it will still be there for you to worry about when you get back. You’re not looking forward to returning to a shitshow, but what you’d hate even more is to tarnish the memories of this place just because you can’t keep from being vindictive for not even a weekend.

“I was born on a Wednesday too, so I guess bad things come in fours sometimes,” you continue, chuckling to yourself humorlessly.

A frown appears on his face almost instantaneously. “What is that supposed to mean?”

You shrug. Jungkook turns his body toward you, which makes you spare him a glance before you return your gaze to the horizon. His face is so serious that it’s almost funny. “Y/N,” he presses. “Why would you say that?”

“C’mon, it’s a joke. I was just being self-deprecating. Lighten up.”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Like what? Contrary to popular belief, I don’t walk around with a thundercloud over my head all the time,” you laugh lightly. “I figured if there was a day to be nice to you, it should be today. And tomorrow, I guess.”

“This is you being nice?”

Funny how just a few weeks ago, you were fighting with him and calling him a hypocrite. Now, you’re sitting together, watching the sun set, trying not to be mean to him.

“I’m not picking a fight with you,” you say. “This is nice enough.”

“It’s not even my wedding.”

“Okay.” You glance at him again, letting words flow without a single thought. “I’ll be even nicer to you on your wedding day then.”

You don’t know where that even came from, but something aches the very second the words leave your mouth. The thought of him getting married one day makes you just nauseous, even though you always knew that it was a possibility. It might even be inevitable.

You clear your throat, waving the sullen feeling away. Your body shivers then, even after the added warmth of his jacket. Maybe you’re not shivering because of the cold anymore.

He doesn’t say anything, but you can feel his eyes linger on the side of your face. The both of you keep tiptoeing around an elephant that follows you wherever you go. 

You hug your knees close to your chest, watching the blue sky melt into the golden horizon, splattered with ribbons of cotton candy clouds.

You want to scooch closer to him and have him wrap his arm around your shoulders. This isn’t the spot where you used to draw your names in the sand, enveloped in a giant heart like two lovesick kids, but wouldn’t it be nice to imagine that it is?

“I was always really happy here,” you mumble to yourself.

You were, truly. This city was your pocket of hope, your piece of peace.

Being here brings back so many memories.

It’s the same feeling you get every time you pass by somewhere you used to live. The nostalgia of walking down the same road you used to walk every day until your shoes wore out. The familiarity of your surroundings. The bittersweetness of looking into a past you cannot hold anymore, of remembering the person you were at a certain period in your life, of knowing the things you do now that you didn’t back then.

You long for things you cannot change.

Nostalgia only grows stronger with time, you can always count on that.

He hums in agreement, before admitting quietly, “I miss you.” One pulls, the other pushes. The water wavers, like it’s touched by his words, simple but earnest. You’re touched too, somewhere in your heart, where you know you should be writing someone else’s name now.

Should?

“You’re pushing it,” you say softly.

“I know.”

You look at him. Maybe it’s because you’re back in the city that holds only good memories of you two. Maybe you’re hypnotized by the way the pink and purple hues kiss his side profile, making him feel like a fever dream and not someone you loved. Maybe it’s the cold, making you yearn for any source of warmth. But instead of returning his sentiment, you say, “It’ll pass.”

He meets your eyes. There’s something pleading in his gaze. All things pass eventually. Time moves forward, people move on. Bad things will pass sooner or later. Your worst heartbreak, your most arduous trials, your saddest moments, they will all pass.

And good things… good things will have to pass too, whether you like it or not.

Your fingers twitch from where they’re still holding onto your body. You itch to reach for his hand. You don’t tell him what he wants to hear, even though here’s a part of you that wants to say it back. In a better world, you would be telling him I love you too, instead of having to suppress an I miss you too.

“All things have to pass eventually. This will too.”

[20:05] Taebear 🐻: we could go to that bar near the gallery. Y/N likes the cocktails there [20:06] Mimi 🐥: kay kay [20:06] Mimi 🐥: soooooo next friday? [20:09] Mimi 🐥: why is y/n reading our messages. shouldn’t she be at dinner [20:09] You: i approve of the bar choice [20:11] You: if you didn’t want me reading your messages, you shouldn’t have sent them to the gc [20:11] You: and if you must know, i’m skipping dinner. i’m avoiding Jungkook’s mom [20:12] Mimi 🐥: understandable. i figured you would do that [20:13] Mimi 🐥: how’s it going? are we regretting going yet? i told you to just stay home and we could binge watch the office together [20:15] You: and EYE told you that you could be a good friend and go to this wedding with me but nooooo baby doesn’t like the cold [20:16] You: you could’ve visited your parents while you’re here you know. two birds with one stone [20:18] Mimi 🐥: babes my parents stayed with me for a whole month last month. i reached my quota for family face time  [20:19] You: son and friend of the year 👏 [20:20] Mimi 🐥: 😎😎😎😘

[20:22] Taebear 🐻: hey [20:23] You: uh oh. am i in trouble? why is this not in the gc? [20:25] Taebear 🐻: lol shut up [20:26] Taebear 🐻: you okay? [20:28] You: feels like that could’ve been a perfectly good question to ask in the gc [20:29] Taebear 🐻: because it’s a serious question and we both know Jimin can’t be serious for one minute to save his life [20:32] You: why does it have to be a serious question? 🤪 [20:32] Taebear 🐻: 😕 [20:33] You: stop pouting. i’m fine [20:35] Taebear 🐻: are you? [20:36] You: i am! you don’t have to go all mama bear on me [20:39] Taebear 🐻: ha ha ha. you’re so funny [20:40] Taebear 🐻: want me to call you? [20:42] You: i said i’m fiiiiiine 🙄 [20:43] You: but also no because i told everyone i was tired and i’m pretending to be asleep in my room right now [20:43] Taebear 🐻: okay [20:43] Taebear 🐻: did you eat something at least? [20:44] You: i have a cup ramen in my room [20:45] Taebear 🐻: okay [20:46] Taebear 🐻: how was today? did JK make you wanna strangle him? [20:48] You: okay Kim Taehyung at least act like you have some faith in your friend lol [20:50] You: but mmmmmm it was ok. he was mostly behaving himself [20:51] Taebear 🐻: mostly? [20:54] You: we were down at the beach and he just told me he missed me out of the blue [20:55] You: Mimi is asking why no one is replying to him  [20:57] Taebear 🐻: i can see that [20:58] Taebear 🐻: what did you tell JK? [21:01] You: i quoted fleabag to him [21:09] Taebear 🐻: i had to google that [21:10] Taebear 🐻: i still don’t know what that means [21:11] You: i know you don’t lol. you’re adorable [21:11] You: i’ll tell you when i get back.  [21:13] You: ok bye i have to sleep early or i’ll look like ass in the morning [21:14] Taebear 🐻: oh. okay [21:15] Taebear 🐻: sleep tight. remember not to gorge yourself on booze tomorrow [21:17] You: thanks for the reminder. love you mom 🙄💕 [21:17] Taebear 🐻: :) [21:20] Taebear 🐻: you won’t look like ass btw

You clocked out right after you told Taehyung that you would. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep though. The anxiety simmering in your belly woke you up a few times throughout the night. You don’t even know why you were anxious. It’s not like you were the one who was about to walk down the aisle.

When morning finally came and you managed to untangle yourself from the surprising comfort of your familiar bed, you practically dragged your feet for the subsequent two hours, trying to get ready. As if that would actually slow down the passage of time.

You had to compartmentalize the things you needed to do in a mental checklist. Makeup. Hair. Dress. Stare at yourself in the mirror for half an hour and internally freak out while waiting for Jungkook to come get you from your room.

Now you’re sitting in the wedding hall, watching people filter into the room. It’s not even a lot of people, but you’re still overwhelmed regardless.

You feel so exposed, even though he’s the only one looking at you in this room of strangers. He’s been looking at you like that ever since he first saw you this morning, in a dress that you got just days before the wedding. You still don’t know if it’s entirely appropriate for your ex-boyfriend’s brother’s wedding - maybe a bit revealing - but it was the only one you could find on such short notice.

When you tried on the dress for Taehyung and Jimin a few days ago, Taehyung said you looked beautiful. Jimin said you looked decent, “six point five out of ten,” which translated to “pretty nice” in Jimin-lingo. That would’ve been enough if you were going to any other wedding, not one where Jungkook would also be attending.

You had wanted him to see you and regret ever leaving you.

It was a silly thought, just a tad adolescent.

You had wanted him to see you in your dress and be consumed with thoughts of you until he couldn’t even see straight. To be the only thing on his mind, you didn’t think it was a lot to ask for.

That was before he told you not to think about it and you’d been convinced to just go with the flow just for two days. It was before he actually did see you earlier today in your dress - a simple midnight blue satin cowl neck with a slit in the thigh - but you were the one rendered helpless and speechless. He had stared at you for a minute when he came to walk you down from your room, then he’d said, all breathless even though both of you were just standing there, “You’re beautiful.”

You’re beautiful, not You look beautiful.

You don’t know why, but you appreciated it.

It made your cheeks burn underneath your artificial rosy blush. Stupid, you thought to yourself when you two made your way to the main hall. Stupid for letting yourself get dizzy because of a single compliment from him.

You’re seated with his parents, which makes sense because you don’t know anybody here except for them. Well, maybe you know one of his cousins whose kid you and Jungkook used to babysit whenever their family was in the city, but you doubt that he even remembers you anymore.

When the ceremony begins, your heart instantly feels like it’s about to drop to the pit of your stomach.

You can’t lie to yourself. It stings.

It stings just sitting here next to his parents like a daughter-in-law, like a member of their family, watching his brother solidify his happy ending.

It stings that Jungkook is standing up there, looking as handsome as ever, but his eyes aren’t on the couple. They keep flickering to you no matter how much you try to pretend that they don’t.

It stings that even though you don’t think about marriage often - or maybe you just don’t allow yourself to - you can’t deny that the thought does cross your mind from time to time. Any time that you’d wander the corridors inside your head, you’d pass the doors that you keep unopened on purpose but there’s always that one door marked with a bright red X that you can never sidestep.

You watch Junghyun and Sooji with their teary smiles and shaky hands, shaky but happy. There’s a sudden clarity that this could’ve been you and him in another life. Forever is a lie, but you would’ve perjured yourself a thousand times for him. I do - you would’ve meant it.

You imagine yourself in Sooji’s place, and Jungkook, standing right on the other side, holding both your hands in his. A beautiful and radiant bride terrified of the altar. A dashing groom with a smile that could rival the sun and shoulders weighing heavier than he lets on.

It would’ve looked clumsy, but it could’ve been right.

You wonder if he’s wondering the same thing. Maybe he is. You hope he is.

When the ceremony ends with a kiss shared between the newlyweds, you wipe away the tears that well up in your eyes. The people around you do the same thing, but they’re doing it for the right reason, out of genuine joy for the happy couple. You don’t think you can say the same for yourself.

Some of the bridesmaids fawn over him. It’s reasonable, you suppose. One tends to do that in the presence of Jeon Jungkook.

You watch as they come up to him one by one to ask him to dance, watch as he politely declines until they’re all stalking away with similar pouts on their faces. You watch him until his eyes lock on you, sitting at a table near the back, nursing a glass of champagne.

He weaves himself with ease through the people making their way to the dance floor. When he’s in front of you, he holds out a hand.

“Dance with me?” he asks, his doe eyes working overtime to lure you in with their sparkles, though you’d rather stay here where you can easily go unnoticed until the night ends. “One song?”

“I don’t know how,” you say, even as you’re taking his hand and standing up.

“I showed you how, remember?”

“That was a long time ago.”

He squeezes you reassuringly. “Just follow my lead,” he says, walking the both of you to the floor. “C’mon.”

Once the music starts, your heels stomp on his feet at least three times before you start finding the beat to move along to. Muscle memory, or whatever, is bullshit. You remember absolutely nothing of what he showed you.

You’re grateful that the song is slow, because it makes it easier for you to follow the beat with your two left feet. He takes one of your hands in his, the other settling on the small of your back, guiding you to move in a steady rhythm.

You feel his mother’s eyes on the two of you, because she must be somewhere nearby, watching you like a hawk. You feel his gaze on your face while you keep yours on the knot of his tie, just trying to keep your composure and to not step on his feet with your heels.

The blur of white that you catch from the periphery of your vision makes you turn your head. Sooji and Junghyun are close by, swaying together slowly to the soft music, both of them glowing with happiness. She must sense your eyes on her, because she lifts her gaze up to meet yours. She smiles at the sight of you and Jungkook, and you smile back, because you don’t know how else to respond to that.

You don’t say it, but you do think it. Your fingers tighten around his hand ever so slightly.

Could that have been us?

If the answer is yes, then it would hurt.

If the answer is no, then it would hurt.

The point of your story is that it’s painful however you choose to look at it. There’s no other way to frame it. It’s just painful, because you’re never going to get any of it back.

You bite your lip, then turn away from the happy couple but you still don’t look at Jungkook. You look at your hand in his, and that’s when you see it.

“How’d you get that?” you ask, gently tracing the inch of slightly raised skin on his knuckles. You never noticed the scar until now.

“It was four years ago, I think? After Taehyung and I almost got into a fight, I went outside and… punched a wall,” he says, wincing as he recalls the memory.

His answer takes you aback. “You and Taehyung got into a fight?”

“Almost,” he corrects. “It was a long time ago. Didn’t they tell you?”

“No, they didn’t say anything. What happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“If it was really nothing, you wouldn’t have punched a wall.” You frown. It makes you miss a few beats, but the song isn’t what’s important now, even if Jungkook is still trying to steer you back into the dance. “Taehyung isn’t violent. You aren’t violent.”

“I’m serious,” he says finally. “It’s nothing. We were just drunk and stupid.”

You know there must be more to it, that something must have happened or been said to trigger such a reaction from both of them. But you also know that you won’t probably get anything out of Jungkook if he doesn’t want to tell you.

You give up, for now. “Fine. If you say so.”  You’ll just have to weasel it out of Jimin later.

The song comes to an end, before another one comes on. If Jungkook remembers that he only asked for one song, maybe he’s counting his blessings that you’re still here and dancing with him, because he doesn’t mention it.

For some reason, you pull your hand away from his, only to slide up his shoulder to lock both of your hands behind his neck. He seems surprised, but he does the same around your waist.

Jungkook’s gaze flickers to your lips briefly, then back to your eyes again. You find yourself doing the same and wonder what he tastes like after all the time you’ve been apart. Is he still as sweet as you remember? You used to tease that it was because of the excessive sugar he put in everything, but you knew it was really just him. The few inches between you are so inviting that it’s practically tempting you to close the gap. You could, easily in fact. Blame it on one too many glasses of champagne later if you want.

He looks younger like this, like the boy you loved, starry eyes and dimpled smile. His shoulders are always the most comfortable resting place, the crook of his neck your long lost home. This is nice, you think, to see him again even though it feels like a fever dream. Memories of your first date, your first kiss, come to life before your eyes so realistically that you could almost touch them.

Loved? That sounds funny to you.

The people you used to be, souls wrapped in innocence, when the world was nothing but the arms of the person you loved. You reach out, and the memories quickly fade from view. The only trace they leave behind is a speck of gold on your fingertips, a memento of charming naiveté for you to tuck neatly away in the corner of your mind, but also a reminder that ah, they only exist in the locket of your heart now. Because he has changed, and you think you must have too. Life, as they say, goes on.

“We made it. Kind of. That’s crazy,” you find yourself saying.

“Did we?”

“You don’t think so?” you chuckle. “We’re in a group chat with the Kim Seokjin who spams it with bad jokes on a daily basis. I’d call that a win.”

That makes him laugh. “If you put it like that, yeah, maybe. Sure.”

Other people might be fooled, but it doesn’t sound at all convincing to you. The light doesn’t really reach his eyes. You bite the inside of your cheek, thinking of how to translate the sudden poignant turn of the moment.

“It isn’t everything you hoped it’d be?” you ask.

His shoulders rise then fall quickly in a second-long shrug. “I thought it would make me feel more… fulfilled. But it doesn’t. Not really.”

The way he says it and the way he’s looking at you makes your heart dive. You understand what he means. You’re good at what you do, and you don’t need reassurance from anyone to recognize that. But sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Doesn’t feel like it’s real, like it’s validated.

When you landed your first big project, even before Yoongi, you were so proud of yourself. You were bursting with excitement but you weren’t happy, and you knew what the reason was. Something was missing that couldn’t be filled, not even with all your friends’ hundreds of messages of encouragement. 

It’s beyond stupid, this feeling like your wins amount to nothing at all just because of one person. You wanted him there to celebrate every achievement with you and he wasn’t, and the milestones seemed incomplete without the presence of him. It doesn’t feel like you’ve accomplished anything because this always used to be a dream you thought you’d make come true together.

“It’s lonely,” he concludes.

It sounds like he feels the same way, like he wanted you to be there too.

He suddenly holds you tighter than you think he needs to, like he’s afraid to let go of you. You imagine that he doesn’t want to let go of you, and it makes you feel better for a second. But it doesn’t change the fact that he still did in the end. And he will have to when this ends.

What was the point of this? Why did he bring this upon yourselves when he seems to be as hurt as you are? All of this time, all of these years, lost to what? You could’ve been happy together but instead, you were both lost and miserable.

When the music stops - you lost count of how many songs it’s been - you pull away from him. He looks disappointed, maybe even a little hurt for some reason.

“I’m gonna get some air,” you say, already turning away from him.

“Y/N-”

“I need some air.” Then you’re weaving through the dancing couples despite Jungkook calling your name. How did he manage it? How did he not look back when you called out for him?

You hastily grab your coat on the way out. It’s not going to keep you warm, but that’s not something you’re even remotely concerned with.

It’s everywhere, you feel it down to your bones.

The wind wraps itself tightly around you, intertwining in your hair, slipping through the cracks of your fingers, caressing your face in a chilling touch. You greet the cold like a long lost sister, shivering violently with nostalgia. It was there for you more than your own flesh and blood.

Is that why you like the sea at night? Because it reminds you of mom?

It’s dark out here, barely anything is visible except for a lighthouse sending out light in the quiet of the night. You can’t see much, but you can certainly hear it. You’re not sure if the music is coming from inside the venue, or if it’s still ringing in your ears. It’s probably the latter; you’re too far away to be able to catch the music anyway. But regardless, the tune is quickly drowned out by the sea.

The waves crash violently against the shore like it’s out for blood. There’s a magnetic pull, as if it’s calling out for you. You want to go to it, to reach out and feel the cold outside of your body for once, but you stay there despite your legs itching to stand up and run straight ahead. Into the water and down under.

You could lie down and close your eyes for a moment. The sound of the water, as sharp and brutal as it is, nurtures a part of you somehow.

You just want to be alone. You don’t want to talk to Taehyung, or Jimin, or even Yoongi.

Oh.

Yoongi.

It’s a terrible feeling, knowing that you’re going to hurt Yoongi. Knowing that you’re going to kill this even before it has a chance to truly begin.

Truth be told, you can’t envision a future with Yoongi. There isn’t anything wrong with him, because he’s not the problem here. Yoongi is fun, he’s considerate, he keeps things light on purpose for you, until you’re ready to initiate something more serious. He’s good for you, even Taehyung thinks so.

But you can’t love Yoongi, not in the way that he wants you to. Not more than you love Jungkook.

There you go. Ruining things again.

Did you ruin Jungkook? Is that what happened?

The layers on you are no match for the sea at night. The wind hisses relentlessly, biting at any part of your skin that’s exposed.

It takes you back to that night. Almost everything does, actually.

Maybe that’s why you never even stopped to consider starting anything with anyone, because it always ends. If there’s a beginning, then there will be an inevitable ending. Love isn’t made to last and you aren’t meant to carry love with you. You’ve been abandoned twice. If it happens a third time, it’s a pattern, and then your hypothesis will only be proven. That the problem here is you.

You’d be lying if you said you haven’t wondered when it’ll finally be Taehyung’s turn to leave. He eventually will, right? That one’s gonna hurt.

Then, you’re startled when someone calls your name.

“What’s wrong?” Jungkook asks. The wind and the waves masked the sound of his footsteps walking up to you. When you turn around to face him, his eyes grow worried, almost panicked. “Why are you crying?”

You breathe out irritatedly before you hastily wipe at your cheeks. You didn’t even realize that you’d been crying. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine,” you say, though you both know it’s a lie. “I’m just tired. I’m going up to my room.”

He catches your wrist in a firm grip when you try to walk away. You wish he’d just leave you alone, but you knew he wouldn’t drop it just like that.

“I said I’m fine,” you insist.

“You were crying,” he says. “Did I do something wrong?”

He didn’t, at least not tonight.

God, you really don’t want to do this right now.

“Jungkook,” you warn. “Let go of me.”

You try to free yourself from his grip, hoping that he’ll get the hint and back off for now. Instead, he pulls you into his chest, where you struggle to escape from his hold until you realize your efforts are futile. He takes the wind’s place, wound tightly around you, so tightly that it’s nearly impossible for you to move.

You hiss out his name, but he doesn’t budge. 

“Jungkook, can you just- Fuck!”

Damn him.

You realize he’s not giving up, which in turn makes you give up struggling, hoping that if you let this be a moment, then it’ll be something that can pass.

You’re just standing there, letting him hold you, letting yourself be held by the person who broke you in the first place. This feels exactly like where you’re supposed to be - in his arms, with your face hidden in the crook of his neck, his gentle fingers stroking your hair. There’s not a lot that you could do but lean into that feeling the same way you lean into him. One foot in the sand, one foot in the past. A hand on the doorknob of time, wondering if you should look back or look forward.

You want to be alone, but that never used to apply with him.

The wind stills, the sea calms. You remain unmoving too, locked in his embrace. You feel the faint rhythm of his heart, beating faster than you think it should. If you could, you would bottle this moment up and live there forever.

I miss you, you think.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Then your arms are around him too. It only makes him hold you tighter, and all you can think about is how much you miss him, how painful it is to miss him, how you feel like you’re being pulled apart at the seams from the weight of missing him. 

Fuck.

Can you pretend that the last few years never happened? Is there a higher power that would allow you to go back to the night before that wretched Wednesday, when everything was still perfect? Hundreds of days of your life, can you pretend that it was just one long nightmare? When you wake up, you’ll be back in his humble apartment, tangled up together in his bed. Warm sunlight, your silken youth, and him. It was all you ever needed.

Again with the devastating familiarity. The city, the beach. His mother’s warmth that always made you reminisce about your own mother’s coldness. How Jungkook used to find you in moments like this and just stayed by your side until the dejection passed. He understood that he could never understand it the way you did.

You hear yourself sniffle, then you feel him press a kiss into your hair. Home is comforting.

Oh, you never want to leave.

You don’t want to leave, and that’s terrifying.

You allow yourself to stay there for one more second - one endless second - so you could commit to memory what it’s like to be with him. Back and forth. It’s always so easy to fall into him.

Jungkook releases you when he feels you loosen after a while, and you reluctantly meet his eyes as he tilts your head to face him.  His fingers cradling your jaw, how warm and delicate they feel on your skin.

You swallow thickly, your mind going blank. He’s the only person you see, the only one that matters. His eyes flicker south, and even then you don’t make any move to run away, despite his loose grip on your waist telling you that you can if you want to.

You told him that it would pass, and maybe for him, it will. For him, it’s the city and the moment, making him feel like he’s caught up in a page that he’s turned over a long time ago. He was fine with leaving, and he’s been fine without you. It will pass for him, as much as it hurts you to admit it.

But not for you. For you, there’s only him. There’s nobody else but him. It’s always been him, no matter how hard you try to tell yourself that there will be another person you can love as much as you love Jungkook. You might only be a page, perhaps even a chapter, in the story of his life, but he’s your entire book. He’s volume after volume after volume, until he takes up the whole shelf and leaves no room for anything else, not even for yourself.

And now here he is - at the biggest turn in your career.

He’s a bad blood cell you can’t ever get rid of.

You’ll never be able to truly let go of him. How could you? When you truly love someone, those feelings will carry on forever. They’ll always have a piece of your heart despite an ending. When you look back on a certain period in your life, you’ll think to yourself, You’ll always be a part of me. I loved you then.

But Jungkook is a force of nature. He has your whole heart.

Years and years from now, when you look back on your life, you know you’ll see him everywhere. Even when you’re old and gray, and when faces all just blur together in a mosaic of broken memories and long lost youth, you know you’ll still remember him - the person you loved, the one whom you let slip through your fingers. The great love of your life when you were young.

Sometimes, you regret that day. You can’t help feeling like it was your fault too. Maybe you should’ve tried harder to keep him. You should’ve fought harder, should’ve held onto him instead of standing there and watching him leave.

He lit the match, and you let the house burn. It takes two to tango, two to break a heart.

You’re quick to let people leave. Oh, how you wish it could be that easy to let them go too.

It isn’t until your eyes mimic the flicker of his gaze that he leans in. You meet him halfway. For the first time in years, you feel like you could breathe, truly breathe. It’s achingly slow, like neither of you can believe that this is happening. 

You sigh against his mouth when his tongue brushes your bottom lip, slips past the seal to devour you. It feels like a perfect dream. You could stay in this bubble with him forever, pretend that you’re the only two people who exist in the world and there’s nothing else, no one else, waiting for you in a city that seems so far away right now. The thought of him never left you, not even for a second. He’s always been with you everywhere you go, no matter what you do, always in the back of your mind.

He tastes like your youth, like remembrance. He kisses you like he’s still yours when deep down you know that you’re still his. The hand on your jaw is gentle but firm, and it makes you repeat a thought, I miss you.

Then a feeling, I love you.

Not then. Now.

I love you now.

I love you even when I shouldn’t. Even when it hurts. Even when you leave me. Even when you don’t love me more than I love you. If there comes a day where you love somebody else, I will still love you then. There will never be another person for me but you. My first and only love.

When he pulls away, you think it’s too quick, even though your lungs are grateful for the breath that you instantly inhale. You stare at his lips like you’re in a daze, mesmerized, wanting to chase them again. You don’t even know how you have it in yourself to utter these next words, but you hear your own voice saying them anyway.

You’re holding onto him now. Doesn’t that count?

“Let’s…” Your fingers tighten on the collar of his dress shirt. “Let’s go up to your room.”

note (2): so... what do we think?? will they?? won't they?? 😵 stay tuned for obs7.5 which will be dropping 29.09.2023! also i'm gonna pause obs muse asks for a little bit! 😬

all rights reserved © jeonqkooks. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted september 24, 2023]

[uraichievents]

UraIchi Week 2024

Monday, July 1st, 2024 - Sunday, July 7th, 2024

AO3 Collection

Full Prompts List Submitted This Year

(Click images to enlarge. Alt text under the cut.)

What is UraIchi Week?

It’s a week-long fanworks event to promote the Urahara Kisuke x Kurosaki Ichigo ship. There’s no sign-up, it’s just for fun, and everybody can participate. Completed works and wips are both acceptable, and any type of fanwork (fanfic, fanart, gifsets, etc.) is welcome. NSFW and/or potentially trigger-y content is allowed, although please remember to tag your works properly.

The ship itself can be written romantically or platonically, as lovers or friends or even enemies, so long as it stars these two characters together in some way. Poly ships are also fine so long as Ichigo and Kisuke are still the focus of the fanwork. And crossovers and fusions are also allowed even if it isn’t one of the given prompts for the event. Basically, anything goes, and the only criteria is that it has to be UraIchi-centric.

Posting:

UraIchi Week is hosted here on Tumblr and on AO3. For posts on Tumblr, remember to ping @uraichievents and tag #UraIchi Week 2024. For AO3, you can add your work(s) to the collection linked up above. You are also welcome to join the UraIchi Discord server if you haven’t already and come and talk about what you’re working on!

Themes:

July 1st, Day 1: i've met you before / i'll meet you again / this is the first time we've met.. right?

Time Travel / Dimension Travel

Identity Porn / Hidden Identities

“I've suffered from traumatic dreams of my past lives since I was a child, and I'm just now realizing that coming up to a beautiful stranger who looks like someone I've seen die a thousand times in a thousand different ways at a bar and asking if we've met before sounds a lot like a come-on haha no wait come back that doesn't mean I'm not desperately attracted to you please kiss me again” AU

July 2nd, Day 2: It's fact that killable problems are not real problems.

Murder Husbands

Ichigo is Deadpool / unbreakable / any other accidentally immortal being who is really kind of annoyed about it (because it’s boring, and he’s still young enough to be within his lifespan, but it sure takes the fun out of fighting).

All the times Ichigo died, he ACTUALLY died, he just came back. Every time he comes back, he comes back Wronger.

July 3rd, Day 3: Things I Should've Told You / Things I Don't Tell Anyone Else

The skeletons in your closet are about to overflow. Would you like me to tidy it up?

Ichigo is experimenting with self-expression, a hobby, etc., making up for lost time as a regular teenager. Urahara is always the first one (sometimes only one) to see or hear about a new idea.

“The person I trust most is you.”

July 4th, Day 4: Sword and Shield

I am yours to command, use me as you please.

Shiba!Ichigo and Second Division!Kisuke

Summoner/Mage AU: Paired summons who are good apart but unmatched together.

July 5th, Day 5: That One is Mine

Hollow Instincts / Feral Protective

Possessive!Kisuke: He stepped aside for Sui-Feng because Yoruichi was always master first and friend second and love interest never, and because Yoruichi wanted her in a way she's never wanted him. But Ichigo is different, and everyone soon realizes that when Kisuke truly wants something, he always gets it in the end.

“Death can’t have you. You’re mine.”

July 6th, Day 6: Monsters come in all shapes and sizes. Some are born, some are made, and some decide being a monster's pretty fucking cool.

Visored!Urahara Kisuke AU / Vasto Lorde!Kurosaki Ichigo AU

“Ichigo forges a friendship with his Hollow in the Shattered Shaft” AU

vs. Gotei 13 AU: Ichigo time travels back from a future where he was chained to the throne as the next Soul King by the Shinigami.

July 7th, Day 7: Creator’s Choice!

As always, the above prompts are all optional, and you’re free to come with your own ideas. You can also find an excel sheet with all the prompts submitted this year linked up above, so feel free to look through that if you want, and you can also make a copy for yourself.

And that’s it! We’re looking forward to what everyone comes up with!

[marunalu]

Okay so.... like I already teased before, here comes the post about the "afo red herring" hori put in the manga and I just realized yesterday evening thanks to JADE (I dont know if you have an tumblr blog and what your username is, so if you read this, this post only happend thanks to you!) from the afo discord server and I feel so dumb for not realizing it sooner. So to make it short JADE pointed out in one of their comments that in the scene when yoichi is killed afo actually reaches out with his hand towards yoichi, because he was trying to GRAB HIM! And when I did read that I was like "Huh? What? Didnt he use a quirk and it accidently killed yoichi?" So I checked and JADE is absolutely right!

The way afos hand is drawn and reaching forward makes it look like as if he just used an attack on yoichi. This is what I believed myself. I thought he used an quirk on yoichi, because he was in a fit of rage that his brother was "leaving him" and that in his anger he used more force then intended and thats the reason why he is so shocked afterwards and in denial about killing yoichi. But the thing is: nothing in this scene actually confirms that afo really used an quirk on him! We dont see him use one. We dont see an energy beam, flash of light or an other more physical quirk used here. We only ASSUME afo used a quirk, because of the way his hand is raised and reaching out and yoichi falls into pieces! I also believed that myself! I was sure he used air canon on him or maybe decay but didnt intented the attack to be lethal and THATS why he is so shocked! But then JADE mentioned that afos hand is raised because he was trying to GRAB yoichi to stop him from running away! Afo DIDNT use a quirk on yoichi that killed him, it only LOOKS like it! THAT is the red herring!

Okay look, I know this sounds crazy, but please hear me out a little bit longer, because I will explain WHAT actually happend in this scene in a moment. But before I do that, I want to point out something else. Since we got the chapter about yoichis death, the whole flashback about their childhood and afos tendendcy to dehumanizing himself to the point that he is convinced that he was born evil, there was something that bothered me, but I couldnt pinpoint what it was. NOW i know! Afo is trying to portray himself as the ultimative evil. The flashback of him as a baby is from HIS narrative and he is trying to convince everyone (espicially himself) that he was born that way! But the thing is: despite his desire to be seen like that by others, he REFUSES to acknowledge himself as yoichis murderer. I thought he was just in denial and coping. But if he wants to be seen as the ultimative evil, WHY doesnt he acknowledge that he is indeed SO EVIL that he was even able to kill his own brother if he really did it? Murder is already horrible enough, but to murder your own family? Espicially in a family focused country like japan in which "family" is the most important thing EVER?! To be able to kill your own kin would make you look like the devil in human form. Its the very image afo wants people to see of him. But STILL he refuses any responsebility for yoichis death! And now I think I understand why: as incredible as it sounds, but afo refuses any responsebility, because he really DIDNT kill yoichi! Look at his shocked face:

Look at his confusion afterwards and his inability to accept that his brother is dead. Look at the fact that kudou, bruce and the rest of their group managed to flee from afo after the incident which shows that afo didnt follow them after yoichi was killed! It was not just because he was in a state of utter shock. He simply couldnt understand WHAT THE HELL HAPPEND! And that only works if afo indeed never used any quirk on yoichi. Becauae no matter how much in denial he is after killing yoichi accident or not, its very suspicious that it was never mentioned by him or the narrative what kind of quirk he used in that moment. WE DONT EVEN SEE HIM USE ONE, WE JUST ASSUME HE DID, BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT!

But WHAT killed yoichi then? Soon, soon Im almost there guys. But to understand you need to look at this first:

THIS is what pissed afo off! THIS is what his focus was on: yoichi and kudou "holding hands" while running away together from him. He wants kudou to let go of hid brother, wants them to stop holding hands, because he is fucking JEALOUS (from the flashback we got about their childhood, I think we can conclude that afo and yoichi NEVER did hold hands as kids) since holding each others hand is a very intime gesture you dont do with everyone. It fuels afos fear and anger that kudou is "stealing" yoichi from him. That he is losing his "most precious possession". And he also for the most part is pissed at kudou and even blames HIM for yoichis death later. But still its yoichi who dies not kudou. If afo indeed used a quirk, why was it directed at yoichi he clearly just wanted back and not at the person who was "stealing" him? It doesnt make any sense. And now I want you to look closely at the picture of kudous and yoichis hands again. Do you see the glow around their hands? Do you understand what this means? Because THIS is the very moment ofa got transfered from yoichi to kudou! Look at their hands and you can see that they are a little bit brused and dirty, so its not to farfetched to assume that this is how ofa was transfered, because we know blood contact between 2 people works just like how in the movie "heros rising" ofa was transfered from izuku to bakugou through blood contact.

And now back to the most important question: if afo indeed didnt use a quirk on yoichi and to us readers and kudou, bruce etc. just looks like he did, because of the way his hand is reaching out towards yoichi and he falls apart, then WHAT really killed yoichi? Guys... its so simple, I cant believe how I didnt get it sooner. Yoichi wasnt killed by afo, he was killed by OFA!!!

Okay listen, before you freak out and call me delusional or something similar, lets remember a few facts we know. Ofa was created when yoichis "give" quirk fusioned with the stockpike quirk afo forced on him. That means, while it was still an very weak quirk in that moment, it already got his first powerboost. We know that ofa is an incredible dangerous quirk that can kill its owner if they cant control it. We know ofa shortens its owners lifespan (except all mights and izukus). We know that if the owners body is weak ofa can KILL them! We know when ofa is transfered and used at the same time between 2 people it sets an huge destructive energy free (again look at heroes rising when izuku and bakugou both use ofa at 100% after izuku just transfered it). You may wonder now WHEN did kudou and yoichi use ofa though? And the answer is they actually used it without realizing (since they didnt know of its existence yet) the moment it was transfered from yoichi to kudou by trying to outrun afo. It was still an pretty weak quirk at that point, but yoichi was born with a WEAK BODY! The exact thing the owner of ofa SHOULDNT have because its a DEATH SENTENCE! Its the very reason why all might helped izuku to train his body before he gave him his hair to eat. Izukus body needed to be tough and strong enough, otherwise he would have immediately killed himself with it when he used it the first time (which he still almost did!). And now look at this:

"Your limbs would fly off and youd be BLOWN TO BITES!"

Here you have it everyone! THIS IS WHAT HAPPEND TO YOICHI! THIS IS WHAT KILLED HIM! Afo never used an quirk on him, it just looks like he did TO US! It wasnt air canon! It wasnt decay or any other of afos quirks! He was simply trying to grab his brother! THAT is the red herring! Hori is a fucking genius!

And its the whole reason why afo looks like as if he just got punched in the guts with a wrecking ball when kudou tells him "you killed him". Because just this one time afo really didnt do it!

[komaedalovemail]

komaedas have you tried straw.page?

(i hope you don't mind if i make a big ollllle webdev post off this!)

i have never tried straw.page but it looks similar to carrd and other WYSIWYG editors (which is unappealing to me, since i know html/css/js and want full control of the code. and can't hide secrets in code comments.....)

my 2 cents as a web designer is if you're looking to learn web design or host long-term web projects, WYSIWYG editors suck doodooass. you don't learn the basics of coding, someone else does it for you! however, if you're just looking to quickly host images, links to your other social medias, write text entries/blogposts, WYSIWYG can be nice.

toyhouse, tumblr, deviantart, a lot of sites implement WYSIWYG for their post editors as well, but then you can run into issues relying on their main site features for things like the search system, user profiles, comments, etc. but it can be nice to just login to your account and host your information in one place, especially on a platform that's geared towards that specific type of information. (toyhouse is a better example of this, since you have a lot of control of how your profile/character pages look, even without a premium account) carrd can be nice if you just want to say "here's where to find me on other sites," for example. but sometimes you want a full website!

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neocities hosting

currently, i host my website on neocities, but i would say the web2.0sphere has sucked some doodooass right now and i'm fiending for something better than it. it's a static web host, e.g. you can upload text, image, audio, and client-side (mostly javascript and css) files, and html pages. for the past few years, neocities' servers have gotten slower and slower and had total blackouts with no notices about why it's happening... and i'm realizing they host a lot of crypto sites that have crypto miners that eat up a ton of server resources. i don't think they're doing anything to limit bot or crypto mining activity and regular users are taking a hit.

↑ page 1 on neocitie's most viewed sites we find this site. this site has a crypto miner on it, just so i'm not making up claims without proof here. there is also a very populated #crypto tag on neocities (has porn in it tho so be warned...).

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dynamic/server-side web hosting

$5/mo for neocities premium seems cheap until you realize... The Beautiful World of Server-side Web Hosting!

client-side AKA static web hosting (neocities, geocities) means you can upload images, audio, video, and other files that do not interact with the server where the website is hosted, like html, css, and javascript. the user reading your webpage does not send any information to the server like a username, password, their favourite colour, etc. - any variables handled by scripts like javascript will be forgotten when the page is reloaded, since there's no way to save it to the web server. server-side AKA dynamic web hosting can utilize any script like php, ruby, python, or perl, and has an SQL database to store variables like the aforementioned that would have previously had nowhere to be stored.

there are many places in 2024 you can host a website for free, including: infinityfree (i use this for my test websites :B has tons of subdomains to choose from) [unlimited sites, 5gb/unlimited storage], googiehost [1 site, 1gb/1mb storage], freehostia [5 sites/1 database, 250mb storage], freehosting [1 site, 10gb/unlimited storage]

if you want more features like extra websites, more storage, a dedicated e-mail, PHP configuration, etc, you can look into paying a lil shmoney for web hosting: there's hostinger (this is my promocode so i get. shmoney. if you. um. 🗿🗿🗿) [$2.40-3.99+/mo, 100 sites/300 databases, 100gb storage, 25k visits/mo], a2hosting [$1.75-12.99+/mo, 1 site/5 databases, 10gb/1gb storage], and cloudways [$10-11+/mo, 25gb/1gb]. i'm seeing people say to stay away from godaddy and hostgator. before you purchase a plan, look up coupons, too! (i usually renew my plan ahead of time when hostinger runs good sales/coupons LOL)

here's a big webhost comparison chart from r/HostingHostel circa jan 2024.

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domain names

most of the free website hosts will give you a subdomain like yoursite.has-a-cool-website-69.org, and usually paid hosts expect you to bring your own domain name. i got my domain on namecheap (enticing registration prices, mid renewal prices), there's also porkbun, cloudflare, namesilo, and amazon route 53. don't use godaddy or squarespace. make sure you double check the promo price vs. the actual renewal price and don't get charged $120/mo when you thought it was $4/mo during a promo, certain TLDs (endings like .com, .org, .cool, etc) cost more and have a base price (.car costs $2,300?!?). look up coupons before you purchase these as well!

namecheap and porkbun offer something called "handshake domains," DO NOT BUY THESE. 🤣🤣🤣 they're usually cheaper and offer more appealing, hyper-specific endings like .iloveu, .8888, .catgirl, .dookie, .gethigh, .♥, .❣, and .✟. I WISH WE COULD HAVE THEM but they're literally unusable. in order to access a page using a handshake domain, you need to download a handshake resolver. every time the user connects to the site, they have to provide proof of work. aside from it being incredibly wasteful, you LITERALLY cannot just type in the URL and go to your own website, you need to download a handshake resolver, meaning everyday internet users cannot access your site.

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hosting a static site on a dynamic webhost

you can host a static (html/css/js only) website on a dynamic web server without having to learn PHP and SQL! if you're coming from somewhere like neocities, the only thing you need to do is configure your website's properties. your hosting service will probably have tutorials to follow for this, and possibly already did some steps for you. you need to point the nameserver to your domain, install an SSL certificate, and connect to your site using FTP for future uploads. FTP is a faster, alternative way to upload files to your website instead of your webhost's file upload system; programs like WinSCP or FileZilla can upload using FTP for you.

if you wanna learn PHP and SQL and really get into webdev, i wrote a forum post at Mysidia Adoptables here, tho it's sorted geared at the mysidia script library itself (Mysidia Adoptables is a free virtual pet site script, tiny community. go check it out!)

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file storage & backups

a problem i have run into a lot in my past like, 20 years of internet usage (/OLD) is that a site that is free, has a small community, and maybe sounds too good/cheap to be true, has a higher chance of going under. sometimes this happens to bigger sites like tinypic, photobucket, and imageshack, but for every site like that, there's like a million of baby sites that died with people's files. host your files/websites on a well-known site, or at least back it up and expect it to go under!

i used to host my images on something called "imgjoe" during the tinypic/imageshack era, it lasted about 3 years, and i lost everything hosted on there. more recently, komaedalovemail had its webpages hosted here on tumblr, and tumblr changed its UI so custom pages don't allow javascript, which prevented any new pages from being edited/added. another test site i made a couple years ago on hostinger's site called 000webhost went under/became a part of hostinger's paid-only plans, so i had to look very quickly for a new host or i'd lose my test site.

if you're broke like me, looking into physical file storage can be expensive. anything related to computers has gone through baaaaad inflation due to crypto, which again, I Freaquing Hate, and is killing mother nature. STOP MINING CRYPTO this is gonna be you in 1 year

...um i digress. ANYWAYS, you can archive your websites, which'll save your static assets on The Internet Archive (which could use your lovely donations right now btw), and/or archive.today (also taking donations). having a webhost service with lots of storage and automatic backups can be nice if you're worried about file loss or corruption, or just don't have enough storage on your computer at home!

if you're buying physical storage, be it hard drive, solid state drive, USB stick, whatever... get an actual brand like Western Digital or Seagate and don't fall for those cheap ones on Amazon that claim to have 8,000GB for $40 or you're going to spend 13 days in windows command prompt trying to repair the disk and thenthe power is gong to go out in your shit ass neighvborhood and you have to run it tagain and then Windows 10 tryes to update and itresets the /chkdsk agin while you're awayfrom town nad you're goig to start crytypting and kts just hnot going tot br the same aever agai nikt jus not ggiog to be the saeme

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further webhosting options

there are other Advanced options when it comes to web hosting. for example, you can physically own and run your own webserver, e.g. with a computer or a raspberry pi. r/selfhosted might be a good place if you're looking into that!

if you know or are learning PHP, SQL, and other server-side languages, you can host a webserver on your computer using something like XAMPP (Apache, MariaDB, PHP, & Perl) with minimal storage space (the latest version takes up a little under 1gb on my computer rn). then, you can test your website without needing an internet connection or worrying about finding a hosting plan that can support your project until you've set everything up!

there's also many PHP frameworks which can be useful for beginners and wizards of the web alike. WordPress is one which you're no doubt familiar with for creating blog posts, and Bluehost is a decent hosting service tailored to WordPress specifically. there's full frameworks like Laravel, CakePHP, and Slim, which will usually handle security, user authentication, web routing, and database interactions that you can build off of. Laravel in particular is noob-friendly imo, and is used by a large populace, and it has many tutorials, example sites built with it, and specific app frameworks.

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addendum: storing sensitive data

if you decide to host a server-side website, you'll most likely have a login/out functionality (user authentication), and have to store things like usernames, passwords, and e-mails. PLEASE don't launch your website until you're sure your site security is up to snuff!

when trying to check if your data is hackable... It's time to get into the Mind of a Hacker. OWASP has some good cheat sheets that list some of the bigger security concerns and how to mitigate them as a site owner, and you can look up filtered security issues on the Exploit Database.

this is kind of its own topic if you're coding a PHP website from scratch; most frameworks securely store sensitive data for you already. if you're writing your own PHP framework, refer to php.net's security articles and this guide on writing an .htaccess file.

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but. i be on that phone... :(

ok one thing i see about straw.page that seems nice is that it advertises the ability to make webpages from your phone. WYSIWYG editors in general are more capable of this. i only started looking into this yesterday, but there ARE source code editor apps for mobile devices! if you have a webhosting plan, you can download/upload assets/code from your phone and whatnot and code on the go. i downloaded Runecode for iphone. it might suck ass to keep typing those brackets.... we'll see..... but sometimes you're stuck in the car and you're like damn i wanna code my site GRRRR I WANNA CODE MY SITE!!!

↑ code written in Runecode, then uploaded to Hostinger. Runecode didn't tell me i forgot a semicolon but Hostinger did... i guess you can code from your webhost's file uploader on mobile but i don't trust them since they tend not to autosave or prompt you before closing, and if the wifi dies idk what happens to your code.

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ANYWAYS! HAPPY WEBSITE BUILDING~! HOPE THIS HELPS~!~!~!

-Mod 12 @eeyes

[radinclus-not-radqueer]

Radqueers are a cult.

I am a cult survivor, I have been one far before I was in the radqueer community. As a cult survivor, the radqueer community IS a cult. If you've never been in the community, and have only been an outside observer, it's understandable that you wouldn't realize this, but claiming radqueers are "just assholes" is a slap in the face to people like me who have been permanently traumatized by them.

Here is a commonly used model of how cults work:

If you go through every single point in this, the radqueer community checks almost every one of them. People have already pointed this out many times before, however I will explain it again for people who haven't seen those posts.

(Skipping over ones that don't fully apply or that I haven't personally experienced. Most of these are pretty brief because I don't think anyone will read an entire essay for every point)

Rigid rules - radqueers force you to include everyone and everything, and never question what you're accepting lest you get labeled as "not a real radqueer" and harassed. You must accept any and all predatory relationships, or you'll receive the same treatment as "antis". If that isn't "rigid rules", I don't know what is.

Rewards and punishments - you coin a term people like, or make an "I love pro-cs" post? Everyone likes you, praises you, sends you asks telling you how amazing you are! You dare to question anything about the community? You get cast out, banned from servers, harassed, sent death threats, and doxxed.

Dependence and obedience - radqueers make their victims believe that this is the only community that will accept them. They say that every other community will hate them for their identity, and this is the only "real radinclus" community. This causes people to feel trapped there, or in other words become entirely dependent on the community for validation and support. They convince people that if they leave, or do anything wrong that causes them to be forced out, they'll have nowhere to go. This forces them into obedience for fear of being left all alone and being completely abandoned.

Deception - this one is very, very obvious. There's a reason why radqueers label themselves as "radically inclusive", "pro-consent", "pro-bodily autonomy" - they are not just saying these things because they don't understand what they mean. They're intentionally using uplifting, inclusive language that sounds really great and supportive to deceive people into joining them. This is also why they use emoji codes, so other radqueers will recognize them but people who don't know what radqueers are will be lured into their trap.

Propaganda - pretty similar to the above. They label everything as "radical inclusion" and tell people that they have to support all these things to be "truly inclusive". They make cute flags and emoji codes to make grooming, abuse, racism, ableism, and transphobia seem cool and fun, to further lead people into their trap. By definition, propaganda is "information, especially of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view". All these cutesy emojis, symbols, flags, and terms are propaganda.

Discourages access to outside sources of information - radqueers constantly say that all science, psychology, and medical information is "biased" and "bigoted". If you provide them with any information on how what they're doing is wrong, they pull out any number of excuses and then tell their "friends" how bigoted and exclusionist the source is. This makes it seem like radqueers are the only reliable source of information, and anything else is untrustworthy.

Insider/outsider doctrine - this is painfully clear with how they refer to everyone who disagrees with them as "antis". Even if you're just an outside observer, you pick up on this quickly.

All/nothing, good/evil, us/them dogma - once again, they refer to anyone who differs even slightly in opinion as an "anti" or "anti in training", and the second anyone decides to question why they're literally supporting nazis and blackface, they get labeled as an "anti" and "horrible person". They play the victim any time they get told that what they're doing is wrong, while crying and complaining about how much they're harassed and about how "mean" and "rude" anti-radqueers are.

Feeling chosen or special - radqueers very obviously convince themselves that they're so unique and special, which is why terms like transship or transhasapetcat exist. They want to seem really cool and special, and make completely normal things into obscure, "special" identities, like calling yourself translivesintheuk instead of just saying you wanna move to the UK. As someone who's been in their servers, they hoard identities like this because it makes them feel temporarily special and unique, which makes them convinced that what they're doing is right.

Guilt/manipulation - radqueers do this all the time. When someone says they aren't sure if they support something or not, radqueers immediately get all teary-eyed and upset, claiming that the person would be "basically an anti" if they decided not to support it. I've even seem someone cry and complain over being rejected by an anti-transnazi radqueer and claim that it was "ableist" that the person rejected them. Everyone defended and comforted the person who was rejected, immediately siding with them for fear of being "ableist", saying that it was wrong to be against literal nazis. This is very clear manipulation and guilt-tripping.

Phobia indoctrination - phobia indoctrination is where people in the cult make others terrified of leaving for fear of being hurt, killed, etc. As I've explained earlier, radqueers try to scare people into staying by saying that if they leave the community, no one will ever support or love them, and they'll never be accepted outside of it. People who went into the radqueer community after being anti-radqueer know firsthand how awful the harassment, doxxing, and death threats from radqueers are. People in the community who have doubts are very clearly too scared to leave, and people who don't have doubts have been convinced that no one will ever love them except for radqueers.

Anyways, I hope that this clears up how the radqueer community is a cult! Feel free to add on with your own experiences or additions, and please stop invalidating and shaming survivors.

[bed-of-ashes]

sooo I made a whole post about SL cletho and I've just watched all of Cleo’s LL and I'm having Thoughts so you're all gonna suffer for it

They've got this "you're good with me and I'm good with you" thing going on. Every season as I can recall they're never actively hostile toward each other beyond teasing jokes. They default to allying with each other when their main alliances fall apart, and they both just sorta know they won't be hurt by the other. They never discuss this on camera, but it's always true. Cleos always welcome in the white castle and they go there just to chat with Etho sometimes, she didn't want to let him get boogey'd by Pearl, he helped them on red life.

"I know you enjoy that kinda thing" "what, I enjoy rudeness?" "Don't you?" "I mean, don't *you?*"

Also just him betting on their life is so funny 💀

They are The last nonred alliance in the server, despite not being allies the entire season

He tells them AND other people that he's scared of her. Like?? Etho the minecraft man himself genuinely does not want to get on their bad side, to the extent he makes deals with her that are just "here I'll give you potions if you don't go after me for just this episode"

Etho’s panicked "BACK AWAY EVERYBODY IM DANGEROUS- oh, Cleo. Cleo, come with me." Man calms down IMMEDIATELY realizing it's them.

When they're ghosts, Cleo goes "oh Etho! I didn't see you die!" and he says "I got killed Cleo, I didn't survive :(" stuck out to me for some reason

He is the only one she takes compliments from. They don't even accept compliments from Scott or Pearl, but Etho keeps going "ooh that was good Cleo!" and "nice job with that one Cleo!"

bouncing off that he goes so far out of his way to make Cleo feel like a useful member of the team I'm. crying

"I thought I ran into lava but it was Cleo’s hair" I laughed so hard

Theyre just such good friends, like. In general they're very similar people in that they click really easily, they tend to gravitate toward each other in these Life series because they just generally trust each other. they have such a good foundation that you can put them in any situation and they'll still be rock solid. Cleo & Etho, man.

[coffeegnomee]

have you seen the conversation between kab & zam from yesterday yet :? i'd be so curious to hear your take on the whole thing. i like that kab is someone who will have a conversation like that in the first place, and i'm really interested in the potential of her interacting with zam in ways that might force her to confront the assumptions she's made about lifesteal (both in a roleplay-style way and an understanding the people on the server way, but admittedly i mostly want meta-conflict...) so i was kinda delighted by it. and her revealing so much about said assumptions, her own thought processes, her blind spots, in an attempt to reveal very little actual information. bacon's "training" as a little microcosm of how she reacts to problems she can't predict or control. all in all she frustrates me but in a fun way here, i like being frustrated.

I got so invested and stayed up so late taking notes. I'm writing this before watching the rest of Zam's stream and Kab's stream from yesterday, basically just looking at the conversation itself. Because oh boy that was fascinating. What a creature. 

Overall, what I’ve gathered from Kab, is a massive tendency to radically prioritize her own personal experiences with a person (one on one, face to face) over observing them through other people’s eyes and seeing how they act to other people (like through watching streams s4 and 5 or just through yt videos) and especially over what other people’s opinions are of other people. 

So it was super fascinating for her to get so excited about Zam being a wealth of information, because she observed with her own eyes that he understands people. So she now can categorize Zam in this way.  

But idk how much of what Zam said about like Mapicc and Spoke will matter in her future interactions with them, given how she accepted it, but then minutes later would not take correction when she had her own opinions on Bacon that differed from Zam’s observations. 

So like, she only, practically, gained insight on Zam. That is the only flask she is filling rn. 

I saw a bunch of people wonder what Kab exactly learned from that conversation and idk how much any of yall have been keeping up with her streams, but Kab learned A LOT from that conversation. (I might pull everything she learned in a different post. It’s not super relevant here)

Like you don't understand how little she knows about Lifestealers. I know, it’s shocking given we all saw her in chat all of s4 and most of s5.

She went on Bacon’s stream (and her’s ig) a bit ago the day they turned the field purple and said she only followed Eclipse, it was the only arc she actually followed as it came out, and then she kind of stopped paying attention. Which is why she would not realize how wild it was to say “princezam! You could create world peace on lifesteal!” as if she didn’t understand the Joker arc was PrinceZam objecting to pb&j trying to bring world peace to lifesteal. No Clowpierce needed.

And like if she ONLY saw Zam in the Eclipse arc, lowkey she could conclude that he is spineless. She just never saw the shift we’ve been watching since Eclipse.

Now I have another theory, but I might be totally wrong in this, but in a potentially 2% chance universe Kab is playing around with the concept of player knowledge vs character knowledge. Like everything she knew from before Lifesteal is off limits and she can only use knowledge she gains since being in the discord and on the server itself. 

And in this case she would be embracing the purity of rp content to the max. 

In which case she would need Zam to spell out how the Joker arc influenced his pacifism arc or she can’t use that info. 

It is a completely overly charitable concept I think, but nonetheless interesting. I could go into a full on Kenadian joking that Omziscool has dementia arc. But instead of dementia she is secretly incredible at acting. Or I could conclude that it is what it looks like, and Kab simply doesn’t remember anything she learned before Lifesteal/never bothered to pay attention bc she was never going to get on this server anyway.

And anyway, she clearly is using previous knowledge about Clown, Ash, and Squiddo, and she uses OOC knowledge all the time, getting in discord vcs and asking questions about server plans and using that knowledge for herself (mane in her video, red and woogie being teamed in this convo, etc). So I don’t think it can be concluded to be character knowledge vs player. But I find the thought interesting. 

But that brings me back to my point about prioritizing the knowledge she gains through person to person interactions: she only can analyze Clown, Ash and Squiddo so well because she knows them in person so well. 

And she doesn’t have that with literally anyone else on the server. Not even Zam or Red. I can’t remember if she talked to anyone else for any meaningful period of time other than them before joining. But clearly, CAS are only the three she knows well enough to have a good take on their personalities. 

And it is a good take, she does analyze CAS in ways I would approve of. She does genuinely have a good understanding of their motivations and personalities. So she is capable of having good takes.

But as we saw in the convo, it doesn’t yet extend past them. 

So what this means is (rn imo) I think more conversations with Zam will prove extremely interesting, but unfortunately only realistically in terms of her understanding of him and not in her learning and growing in understanding of how lifesteal works and how other members work.

Like I would love to see a Spoke and Kab conversation. I have soo many theories on how Spoke would react. But she would not learn (and therefore agree with Zam's take) that he is the master manipulator until the arc was well past and done. He does nawt spill his secrets at all. Zam spills that. So (imo rn) even if she did have a convo with Spoke, that would give her one-on-one info but she would conclude that he is a bumbling moron who has no motivations and doesn't think past the present moment. Because that’s who he pretends to be. And she takes people for their literal words until they say otherwise.

BUT! Interestingly enough she does learn well. Something I noticed through her pov of the Bacon jumpings is that she was super caught up in how unfair it was and getting pissed off at Bacon because he didn't explain why he was jumping her randomly. Because she needs someone to say word for word why they are doing something in order for her to understand.

And I think we saw this in this convo, the more Zam told her word-for-word his mentality, the more she noted it and she asked follow up questions and clarifying questions and I think noted them down rightly (maybe not tho I haven’t watched yesterday’s stream) 

And earlier, if you watched her/bacon streams that day, that was the first time Bacon said word for word the difference between practicing on pvp legacy and why it differs from fights on lifesteal and why that matters. And so therefore why him jumping her is helpful, not pointless, as she kept saying over and over. And she acquiesced to his analysis. And could only reiterate that she asks he doesn't do it when she’s lagging. 

She didn’t sound like that to Zam in the convo, but that’s bc she was trying to hide that for manipulation purposes. Even if... Whatever. It doesn't matter that it was silly and didn’t do anything meaningful, that was her using manipulation and secrecy. 

Anyway, her main sticking point the first day Bacon jumped her was (9/21 ~1:00:00)  “This feels like the most inefficient way of training though. Cause he didn't tell me what to do he just started attacking me” She wants to be told what to do first so she can internalize it. She doesn't logic out a reason based on input, she needs to be told. 

This is why I think she will ultimately be okay, she just needs a shit load of conversations like this one with Zam. Though we will need to wait and see what she actually learns (like after the season is over), but in the meantime interesting conversations for sure. 

What she will hopefully learn is that Zam freely gives out general server information all the damn time, and is always willing to talk about people’s past seasons mentalities. He loves yapping analysis.

So if she ever tries to go into a conversation withOUT obvious sus and pointed questions like she keeps doing with Zam, maybe she'll lean that she doesn't need them for him. It’s like she’s trying so hard to sound so casual about asking questions but that is just NOT necessary with Zam. He will just tell you shit, that's who he is. 

But, she did pick up on that if she asks too much about Zam’s inner mentality about current arcs he clams right up. (even though, again, if she watched his streams in the past she should understand him.) But that doesn't stop her from pushing to learn

But he is sooo uncomfortable about talking about why he does stuff in the moment. Like Planet had to work so hard s4 to get Zam’s trust and he almost got to know Zam’s wormhole day motivations about making everyone hate him, and in hating him the server members would bond together which was a good thing. But Spoke interrupted and Planet never got to know. It is a workout to get Zam to actually leak his mentality, and his mentality is the only thing he really truly cares about. Everything else is just whatever. 

But she incorrectly thinks that flattery and apology will be the way to get him to open up.

But either way it is great bc Zam, and Bacon too tbh, freely give out advice about other server members and how lifesteal works. Because they understand that it is in everyone’s best interests if they learn how this server does work and how the players think because that can only help smooth things over and get good interactions. She just doesn’t realize how /genuine they are being in that moment and takes it more as them leaking super secret information. When they’re just like, 'please learn, i beg.'

In terms of confronting role-play style and how the server lives and exists. Kab made HUGE progress.

If you didn't watch until the end of her stream, Kab had initially planned to murder Zam at the end of that convo but changed her mind bc of what happened. 

Like she said in the flower field that she wanted to “do lore” with Zam to do before session and make him not trust her anymore. And in the end she reveals that "lore" was just murdering him.

She tends, like she did with the consequences arc, to plan shit out and then execute that plan. Bc she’s a scripted lore server girl. 

But in this conversation she, in real time, adjusted her plan based on the unscripted conversation that flowed from it. Which is huge news for lifesteal enjoyers. If she can learn to embrace this we will be eating well. And that can only come through practice.

From a PrinceZam analysis, we got to see him go to work and try to get information from Kab. She leaked a lot, but he really does need the practice on extracting info, he's been talking about it a lot, and she’s a great subject to practice on. 

So I am very excited for him to get that practice in future conversations. 

And Zam does try several different approaches, feigned indifference, just asking, comforting lie that he wont tell anyone the secret is safe with him, pretending to only be interested in one thing instead of everything, asking direct questions that she must confirm or deny which should give him info either way, asking for the favor out of friendship, asking for the favor out of the continued exchange of information, asking for the favor out of her not having given as much as he had given, playing for the ego that if it’s so bad you can’t tell me it must be really bad so you want to tell me, asking over and over.

She for her part only knows flattery, apology, and the placation of emotions to make you think you don’t want to know the information anyway or because you react too strongly and it wouldn't be healthy for you to know. 

The most interesting analysis is how at the very very end of her stream she said “I’ve giving him a warning that I’m going to fuck with some stuff so he shouldn’t.. He shouldn’t label that as me betraying him” 

Whichhhhhhh is hilarious because we all know ends only in one way. But that is shocking bc this was his fundamental reason for betraying Eclipse was bc they thought this way?? Like Vi and Subz thought if they were subtle and slow and give him warning about the wormhole, that he wouldn’t take that as a betrayal. But he did. So he betrayed outright. To like, oversimplify it. But basically, warning Zam does absolutely nothing to protect yourself from him ending the relationship when you do something new that is not aligned with his morals/thoughts/desires. 

So so so interesting how she has that viewpoint if she did watch Eclipse.

Oh! Final thought that might go more into the meta-conflict side of things. I think we don’t get that much meta-conflict in a similar way to how it was with Vi or Minute and Jumper and Pentar last season. Idk hot to describe it exactly.

It might not be quite what meta-conflict means, but like how Kab stops all lore to cause conflict based on what conflict was presented to her.

Kab has a massive tendency to use embarrassment and shame as an attack when she feels unsafe or embarrassed. Like she will instantaneously go for causing you embarrassment and making you feel bad for your choices whenever she feels threatened in order to make you back off. 

Like when she said: “and zam, this is the person you’re friends with?”

But she goes for the throat like this a ton, like with Bacon this stream going towards a consent argument to make him feel incredibly awkward and that he will back off from jumping her instead of risking saying 'no does not mean no'.  

There were other times in earlier streams that idk if I can remember them, but it’s happened a lot with Woogie and Bacon whenever they imply that they have doubts that her plan will work, she takes it almost as them saying they think she’s stupid. And she reacts very aggressively and makes it about meta stuff instead of on the server stuff.

What I do find fascinating is how Bacon, in three streams or so, has already learned how to give her critiques on her plans so that she doesn’t get offended and that she instead learns his thought process and is the one to back down. He is learning quickly.

Also I just realized JUST how much analyzing lifestealers feels like completing those logic puzzels where you have to figure out who has what item and what location or whatever and you get like five clues. No wonder I love this shit so much.

[tamelee]

pls bottom naruto is disgusting stop drawing this ooc cringe

Eh? And it hadn't even been a full day.

Anyway, do you know what this means?:

It means… that I don’t give a damn about your whiny gibberish about this top/bottom bullshit, because it sounds incredibly silly. (And wrong because I draw both?)

It’s fine to have a preference, good for you (I have one too!), but if all you care about between a character-dynamic is the single notion which establishes a rule within a fandom that demands only this particular dick in only that particular booty and nothing else, while dividing yourselves between "us and them" while seeing the people who like the same exact characters as your "enemy" and treating them as such— well, 

I have nothing to say to you, I couldn’t care less what you think about me and I don’t know you. 

But for the sake of other creators who are often a target also, some which I know quit because of this… there is a little something I'd like to say about these servers:

You don’t think I (we) know what is said in there and by who? 👀 That your rules of "what is said on here stays here" with a bunch of people online that you don't know, is actually respected? Why do you think I never join any. And bet your ass that I'm not the only one. This constant fighting between NS/SN is such an embarrassment for this fandom, seriously. I hope you realize that.

Because, instead of encouraging a (new) creator to share something about the characters you claim to love (for fucking free) you go off chastise them for not “doing it right”/“your way”, pretending it's some unspoken commission no one knew of or was paid for. Instead of being happy there’s still so much creative contribution for characters from a story that ended years ago, you go complain under fanfics and dishearten writers, often grinning away with your little server-“friends” and make fun of work someone poured their heart in. Or, you huff, puff and breathe fire as you make plans to cancel them out of pure bitterness, to the point (especially new) creators are too scared and dispirited to ever share anything again. It's easy to do anonymously, aye? And if you think that doesn’t affect their lives and sends them right back into a crestfallen pit of dark hell because it prevents them to do/share the single thing in life that gave them a bit of joy, then...

Congratulations; you’re a heartless bastard.

And you, as a fan, did yourself dirty too.

Do you know how many people don’t want to share anything at all for this fandom because you people leave comments, tags, asks, tweets constantly complaining about an incorrect portrayal of the (in your opinion) only acceptable dynamic, like a bunch a brats? Do you? Because I’ve talked to quite a few of these discouraged creators, they have to hope for the best and pray they’re spared from your scrutiny. I receive it from both sides every now and then.

Again, congratulations: you’re the reason there’s less chance of you getting what you want in the first place. 

Do you... really not realize?

The more you squabble with "your enemy" (lol) the more it affects the "us" you care about while the rest of us just bask in the glory that is SNS/NSN and couldn't care less about what you think/have to say. So, keep everyone else out of it and go mope elsewhere.

But, between you and me? There are better ways to share what you think is right. Make something yourself, because what's stopping you?

You’re perfectly capable, it doesn’t have to be art or a fic, maybe there’s just something in the story that you really enjoyed— write about it. Make a meta. Post the panel, show the moment that determined your undying love for this single dynamic and why— whatever.  Because, wouldn't it be nice having someone encourage you to create something you like? 😬 Especially because you and your server feel so strongly about it? And then you don't have to depend on others either?

Wouldn't it be nice?

Well?

Hm!?

Try it, ffs.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not changing my OCs backstory?

Saw some recent posts about people fighting over RP characters so I thought I'd throw mine in.

I (F25) am in a RP server for peoples OCs. It's a small server for friends or friends-of-friends so everyone is either a friend or an aquaintence.

There's a channel specifically for people to post their OCs to see if anyone wants to RP with them. The posts are basically references with the characters name, appearance, backstory, etc. and a list of things the person wants to RP with them (smut, angst, medieval, coffee shop, roomates, etc.)

Anyways, I started RPing with two other people, Amy (F23) and Jenny (F25) recently and things were going good. We were doing a modern with magic type RP and all of our OCs met each other at a bar.

Eventually as the RP progressed my OC revealed that she thought she was a lesbian and then realized she was bi (they were all sitting at a table together commenting on other people in the bar and who they thought was cute).

Amy suddenly stopped responding to the RP so it was just me and Jenny, and I just figured that Amy was busy with college stuff so I didn't want to bug her about responding.

A few days later I get a DM from Jenny saying that Amy is REALLY uncomfortable with my OCs backstory. I'm of course confused and ask her why Amy didn't just message me. She told me Amy was really upset and didn't want to talk about it. I say "If she doesn't want to talk about it why is she telling you to tell me? If she has a problem she needs to tell me so I can fix it."

About 20 minutes later I get a message from Amy with a list of problems she has with my OC. The list said:

My OC is lesbophobic.

Your OC is saying that being lesbian is a phase (not at all what my OC's dialogue said during the scene, the word "phase" was never once used).

There's not enough lesbian rep in things and you're taking away even more.

You're replacing actual lesbian rep with an inferior straight character (yes, she used the word inferior).

She basically demanded that I change her backstory and make her a lesbian again, or AT LEAST make sure she ends up in a relationship with another woman.

I was pissed.

I replied back and said:

"Please go back and highlight the dialogue line where my OC stated that being a lesbian was a phase, because I searched the word "phase" in our channel and I couldn't find it. That word wasn't even used once during our RP, by any of us.

Also, there's nothing wrong with something being a "phase". People don't get one chance to pick a sexuality or gender and then get stuck with it for the rest of their life. Sometimes it takes people a while to figure themselves out. Sometimes things change.

My OCs sexuality is literally based on my own personal experiences. I thought I was straight, and then I thought I was a lesbian, and now I realize that I'm actually bi. I'm not lesbophobic for changing my mind, that's not what that word means.

If you want more lesbien rep then go make more lesbian characters. I'm not "taking away rep" because it was never there in the first place, and again, my OC is based on my OWN EXPERIENCES, and I as a person do not exist to provide representation. Why is lesbian rep more important than bi rep? I can name multiple, canon lesbian characters but I can only think of one character that canonically likes men and women.

I'm not replacing lesbian relationships with a straight relationship because even if she dated a man she would still be bi, not straight. It's fucking disgusting that you think a relationship or person is "inferior" because they're not the sexuality you want them to be. She's based on me, do you think I'm inferior for something completely out of my control?

I'm not changing shit about her backstory, especially not to coddle the feelings of biphobes."

She responded with a huge rant that I'm not going to post here but the TLDR is "You're lesbophobic and you hate lesbians and you're awful and dangerous and you don't care about good rep fuck you." and then blocked me.

I told Jenny what Amy had said and she said "Idk, it's not really a big deal to change it? It was a small part of her story and it made Amy uncomfortable :/"

So AITA for not changing it?

It IS a small, insignificant part of her story that wouldn't change anything if I removed it but for me it's the principle: I'm tired of bisexual characters (and people!) being treated as lesser or not as good as "real" LGBT+ people/relationships.

Also I'm planning on making comics with my OCs and I make sure that there's at least a few lesbian, gay, trans, etc. characters in each story so that EVERYONE gets rep. Which matters way more to me than "rep" that only like 15 people in a discord server will see.

What are these acronyms?

[umishiqu]

☀️ kalim al-asim development analysis (post book 7 chapter 9)

This is an entire Kalim analysis based off of his development in Book 7 and interpreting scenes before Book 7 accordingly. This means there will be spoilers from the JPN twst servers, so be warned! There’s a lot of stuff to get through, but there’s also a lot of opinions about Kalim that didn’t actually reflect his character that we need to get through as well, but thankfully I’ve explained a bit of that in another analysis. I’ll have it linked in the necessary section but I also copy-pasted that post into this one as well. Without further ado, let’s begin!

A common conversation between many Kalim fans is whether Kalim would develop into a person who resolves to help others no matter what and learns how to help others without inconveniencing someone else, or if he would develop into a person who talks freely about his actual thoughts and feelings regarding precarious situations and dislikes about others. There was evidence for both of these in canon as Kalim develops towards being a person who can successfully throw a parade by himself, tie his headband himself, and gain independence. Overall, would this development go towards him being an asset others can use and rely on to do things for him, or would this development go towards him being his own asset and asserting his own perspective on the world around him through actions? For example, he gave money to Ramshackle to improve their utilities and upkeep the maintenance, but is the outcome that results of it to improve status using “charisma” or is it to improve the well-being of others using “charisma”? This conversation is pretty much summed up by Leona in Book 6:

So you can see why it was such a big deal for this to have been answered in Book 7. Before we get into extrapolating all of the scenes that build up towards Kalim’s development in Book 7, let’s talk about his development in Book 7 and the main things he settled on when it comes down to his characterization. He has a couple realizations:

“Jamil was doing all that stuff for me not because we were friends, but because I am his master and he’s my servant.” -> This realization isn’t Kalim finally understanding that they have a master-servant relationship to begin with. Remember, his dream didn’t change that fact about Kalim and Jamil - only that despite their master-servant relationship, Jamil would still be able to talk to Kalim about his “real thoughts and feelings”, and Jamil would be happy because of it. But things aren’t as simple as that. The realization here is that all of the extra stuff Jamil was doing wasn’t because they were friends and just didn’t want Kalim to reciprocate and do those things for him in return just because he’s a good guy. (Kalim’s idea of friendship is doing things for each other, explained in Kalim’s school uniform personal story.) He did all of that and didn’t want Kalim to reciprocate and do those things for him in return because Jamil is his servant and, whether or not some things were logically a part of Jamil’s job or not (like the listening to Kalim thing, but Jamil also uses the “it’s my job” when he doesn’t listen to Kalim, like in Jamil’s school unidorm personal story to reject the idea fo going to the cafeteria; or in book 4 when Kalim tells Jamil that he doesn’t need to serve ice cream by himself and Kalim can help) (Leona also talks about Jamil making self-pitying excuses like this, as well as Jamil in book 7 getting tired of it himself), that’s what was perceived by Jamil (initially).

“That isn’t the real Jamil…!” / “The way you are now isn’t really what you want…!” / “The real Jamil would never want this!” -> The first is in reaction to dream!Jamil, which is pretty self-explanatory. The second is in reaction to the Jamil in Jamil’s dream; saying that this isn’t the “best you” that Jamil himself imagined or wanted. The third is in reaction to Jamil dropping further into the darkness after Kalim tries to wake him up, only to see him reenact a Book 4 where everyone is hypnotized and Jamil is the dorm leader; specifically, in reaction to Jamil now underestimating and insulting the other dorm leaders, planning to take over the school, and planning to kick the dorm leaders out. Before you say “oh, Kalim just thinks Jamil is a good person still!” no he does not, and fights with Jamil over this. He’s talking about how, if Jamil just goes on to do the same thing with the others as he did with Kalim - manipulate the dorm leaders from the shadows, from an unsuspecting position that’s less than theirs, then Jamil will never get to show his abilities fairly and on the same playing field as others. He’ll be subjecting himself to the same thing he subjected himself to with Kalim when he purposefully received less marks than him. Kalim didn’t give this much of a care when Jamil and Kalim’s positions were swapped in Jamil’s dream, even with whatever happened to Kalim’s family. It’s when Jamil denies himself of the freedom to be himself and resorts to using dirty tricks that Kalim is like “why are you so stupid, this is the opposite of what you want!” His words, not mine (at least, with calling Jamil stupid). That’s why he also says “you’ll never get what you want this way!” if Jamil keeps on doing plans that require him to be put as less capable than the dorm leaders or require him to hypnotize the dorm leader to overuse him to be unsuspecting. This is also why the first memory to resurface after Kalim says this is Jamil saying “I won’t take orders from anyone anymore!”, implying that Jamil won’t put himself in a position where he has to accept orders from anyone like he did in Book 4.

About the “real Jamil” thing, I genuinely think that Kalim’s development aligns with the Genie. The Genie gets upset with Aladdin for not being real with him, and almost gets upset at Aladdin for not being real with Jasmine, but the Genie chose not to say anything. Kalim knows that Jamil is a liar, but when it causes Jamil to lose out on his wishes or not get what he actually wants, Kalim gets upset with him. Kalim being betrayed by Jamil is a “Sultan betrayed by Jafar” thing, but it’s also a “Genie betrayed by Aladdin” thing when Aladdin breaks his promise with the Genie to free him (like Jamil broke his promise with Kalim). Kalim is the Sultan to Jamil’s Jafar in his story, but Jamil is the Aladdin to Kalim’s Genie in his story, which is why the climax of Kalim’s development has him throwing parades for Jamil without struggle in Jamil’s birthday story.

Also, I love Book 7’s implication that Kalim knows Jamil well enough to know that he’ll be able to wake Jamil up from a dream by talking about their memories together based on Kalim’s perspective of them (“we both ran out to the camel bazaar together and got coconut juice!”), knowing Jamil will naturally respond with something that asserts his perspective (“is that what happened?! you ran off and i chased after you!”). Like… Kalim was so calm seeing Jamil just vehemently deny it and he didn’t try to change his perspective, it was kind of funny. Idia even says something along the lines of “Jamil’s irresistible straight-man spirit is being stimulated…!”, being the straight-man to Kalim’s “whimsy”. Kalim understands now that Jamil didn’t do all of those things because he was a good person, it was because of his job, but he purposely says things that suggest the former perspective so Jamil can debate them. Kalim saying “best friend” in quotation marks also suggests this… It’s so good…

I’d also love to take a few key things from Kalim’s perspective in his fight with Jamil before I go on to explain the rest of this:

Kalim mocks Jamil for calling him oblivious and tells him something along the lines of “Shouldn’t you know the most that I’m ‘bad at reading the room’ or ‘bad at inferring things’?!”

After, Jamil tells Kalim “don’t just shift to a defiant attitude!” when Kalim starts saying that, to which Kalim responds with “You said it! I don’t like your two-faced attitude either!” This is along the lines of what Jamil realizes later about Kalim (that he seems like he’s polite and submissive, but in reality he’s not, when he rejects the fake Kalim. this is also as seen when Kalim goes in to hug Jamil, but Jamil knows its intent is just Kalim tackling him; and Kalim himself says that he wished Jamil got more hurt in their fight as evidence for this…)

Kalim childishly goes from calling Jamil a sarcastic bastard to telling Jamil that “I can’t understand you!” whenever Jamil calls Kalim an idiot, which is actually hilarious to me

Oh yeah, Kalim knows what sarcasm is, and actually doesn’t like it

Now that we’ve broken down specific points and scenes from Book 7 Chapter 9, let’s go into some of Kalim’s “oblivious” scenes and what he was probably thinking. Remember: in book 5, it’s revealed that what Kalim actually expresses when it comes to his thoughts vs what he actually thinks might not line up properly because he’s still learning how to best communicate his thoughts. So there can be some leeway with the things Kalim says vs what he could possibly be thinking, as long as you assume some form of logic that doesn’t just boil down to “misunderstanding over nothing”. We have wiggle room in interpretation, but again, this isn’t the only way to interpret Kalim’s character - just a way that makes sense according to what’s been revealed in Book 7.

I’ll be using this analysis here as a base for the overall analysis; the part that talks about Kalim’s weaknesses that he starts off with in general. Lots of people have also mentioned that he’s good at knowing whether something is wrong or not (Silver’s dorm uniform personal story), but not good at figuring out what exactly it is (when he assumed Silver’s down mood was because he was hungry). But this can be inconsistent, which makes sense, because his logic follows along his own common sense (and when applied correctly, it does actually reflect reality). He learns as time goes on, especially when it comes to Jamil, but the most significant change happens when he is told something directly (Jamil telling Kalim to cancel the party in Kalim’s lab personal story, Floyd telling Kalim to stop letting people bud him in Kalim’s playfulland personal story). I’ll briefly put the analysis here for your viewing pleasure so you don’t have to click the link and then come here to find your spot again:

Kalim is an interesting character. A lot of people expected, and wanted, his development to be related to the immediate freeing of Jamil from his services and fate. As much as this was important to Kalim, a lot of people don’t realize that this didn’t align with his or Jamil’s development. It doesn’t even acknowledge the position Kalim first starts with. Kalim starts from a place where he unknowingly trips up Jamil with things that don’t concern Jamil, but Kalim believes it to be important to him. In Kalim’s lab coat card, he explodes the kitchen by accident, and when Jamil comes to check on Kalim and make sure he is okay, Kalim brushes off Jamil’s concerns of Kalim possibly being killed by his family members and instead says that they should focus on fixing up the kitchen before focusing on Kalim’s homework. So that Jamil could make meals for a party that Kalim planned for - for Jamil to get to meet other people in Jamil’s grade and get along with them. Jamil is obviously upset with this and tells Kalim to cancel the party, which Kalim agrees to, because he doesn’t want to get Jamil angry.

People say Kalim has good intentions but bad decision-making skills, but I honestly thought that Kalim was more than emotionally intelligent to come to the conclusion of a party for Jamil. Part of the problem with Scarabia’s relationship is that they are codependent on each other. Kalim saw this and instinctively went ahead to create opportunities where Jamil can meet other people so he can bond with people other than Kalim. This happens a few times, where Kalim recognizes the problems with their relationship, and tries to go and fix it but because of misunderstandings his execution isn’t successful. In his ceremony robes, he knows Jamil isn’t feeling good about the upcoming year and tells Jamil that he should have been housewarden instead. Jamil denies this, and then tells Kalim if there’s anything wrong with the ceremony robes. Kalim, thinking that what Jamil is actually mad about is the robes and not the housewarden thing that he previously rejected Kalim’s proposal on, goes off to change the style of the robes. Jamil’s school uniform story is literally Kalim badly executing his plan of getting Jamil to stop overworking himself by cooking Kalim’s meals by purposefully chowing down on leftovers for the next day, foiled because he misunderstands the actual food Jamil wants and couldn’t properly bring the food to him. It’s an actual metaphor for the actual problems Kalim has with Jamil - misunderstandings and poor execution. Kalim tells Jamil “Hey, we should go to the cafeteria every day!” Jamil rejects this idea and Kalim is genuinely surprised at this. Kalim doesn’t act on whims just to act on whims, but because he has an idea that his crazy plan might actually help.

It happens again in Book 4, when he recognizes Jamil is concerned about their parents seeing Kalim serve food, but Kalim says that their parents aren’t there, so they shouldn’t be worried. Kalim’s emotional intelligence comes back again in the magic carpet ride, where he says it wouldn’t hurt if Jamil loosened up a little bit - understanding the stress and strife Jamil goes through, and still racking his head on possible reasons as to why. (There’s a reason as to why he doesn’t attribute Jamil’s personality to his and Kalim’s servant and master positions and I’ll explain it later.) Kalim’s been trying from Day 1 to work with Jamil and understand him but because of his poor execution of his plans, he keeps falling short. At the end of the day, Kalim not only has good intentions but thoroughly deduces what the roots of the problem of their relationship was. He’s actually pretty good at this in general, and deduces what Trey projecting onto the relationship between Kalim and his carpet means about Trey’s relationship with Riddle, and encourages Trey to vent to him. But there are moments like with Riddle’s gym story; Kalim not immediately seeing why he can’t just call Riddle horrible at fitness because it means Riddle will retaliate with anger and possibly get his magic shut down for the day, and Jamil covering up to stop the mess before it happens. (I’m going to be very honest though, Kalim will be mean in a reciprocal way for the sake of reciprocity if someone is mean to him. But it’ll be very subtle that it can easily be explained with obliviousness - Riddle first saying “Write your time down if you’re going to forget it next time”, and after Jamil tells Riddle thanks for babysitting Kalim, Riddle saying “You’re welcome, you deserve a break sometimes” when Kalim was literally right there… that was Kalim’s invitation to serve the shade right back 😂 Like… it’s his immediate response to Riddle saying that. He does this with Leona in New Years as well, when Leona says “unlike other people (Kalim), I actually have things to do with my time”, to which Kalim responds with “You should join in next time too!” implying that he knows Leona doesn’t actually have other things to do but sleep, and also acknowledging the shade on himself, which is kind of hilarious to me. And he doesn’t even do it on purpose - he’s not an evil mastermind, this is him giving back the attitude others give him because reciprocity is a part of his idea of friendship.) Or moments like in the Scarabia dorm uniform cards, where Kalim ends up making more work for Jamil even when they split their duties because Kalim did his parts sloppily or without care. That is an actual flaw of Kalim but it’s not obliviousness to a situation, it’s his carefree attitude that's the issue.

That reciprocity is actually part of the reason why Kalim didn’t catch what was going on with Jamil. We see in Kalim’s personal story that his fate of getting poisoned is the fate of the eldest son of the Asim family, and this was an idea told to Kalim by both his dad and Jamil. We see Jamil in Alab Nariya tell Kalim to go do his job instead of helping guide the guests, his friends, around. Kalim assumed this division of duties and roles was just how things are supposed to be, and that these are just aspects of themselves that they need to deal with. That Kalim needs to deal with even if he wants to do something else. What he didn’t realize was that Jamil was doing everything beyond his duty, not because it was him trying to be friends with Kalim and that Kalim should reciprocate to be friends with Jamil back, but because “beyond his duty” was actually a perceived part of his duty. No matter what solutions Kalim offers to Jamil, to Jamil it will always be within the context of “Jamil agrees to these solutions because Kalim is the master and Jamil is the servant or disagreed to these solutions because Kalim is the master and Jamil is the servant”, not because it’s actually something Jamil wants.

FYI, this is also why at the end, Jamil says he wants to get to choose whether he is the master or the servant. And this development is so important. He rejects the fake Kalim, all of Jamil’s hopes and distorted images of a fake Kalim, in the same manner that he rejected the real Kalim in Book 4. (And this is positioned as being Jamil’s equivalent to Vil killing everyone in his dream. Vil’s personality was not beautiful, and Jamil was not being mindful initially, but there are steps he’s taking to assert his perspective here.) He knows Kalim now and what he’ll do for Jamil. He knows Kalim will respond to his desires. But Jamil will decide if he wants to torture Kalim by asserting the role of a servant (nothing you do will matter because I’m stuck here and I know how badly being useless pisses you off), or if he wants to torture Kalim by asserting the role of a master (I will dictate how the pace of our conversations will go, I will tell you what I want, and I know you will do it for me). Kalim getting upset with Jamil in general over his attitude - finally realizing the core of what Jamil really wants - is why Jamil is so happy with this development even though he says in Book 4 “you never change” to Kalim with a relieved look on his face. Kalim is finally getting it and understanding it. Jamil was scared of what straying from the status quo meant for him, and is now starting to get comfortable with the paths they both chose.

After Book 7 and seeing people like Vil call Kalim a little scary for his traits, seeing Kalim blow up with Jamil the way he did, and seeing Kalim after that tell Jamil that’s he’s a little pissed Jamil didn’t get more hurt really makes you go back and look at the context of scenes in a different light. Everything led to this direction of character development. Kalim getting frustrated over the main vocals in Book 5… Jamil insinuating Vil’s overblot was Kalim’s fault and Kalim nearly screaming in frustration over it (he lets out a little squeal instead)… Kalim getting mad at Jade insinuating that the others might already be dead… Kalim hug-tackling Jamil out of relief but also at tiny frustrations because he was so worried, and Jamil in their dreams later on recognizing that Kalim doesn’t just hug but hug-tackles and Jamil not wanting to get tackled… This happens in events too. Kalim hugs Fellow after everything is said and done but also slaps him on the back more than a few times.

There are so many layers to him. Eventually, Kalim learnt to develop his very minuscule mean streak into actual retaliation out of rage. A part of why Book 4 worked so well is because their relationship is so interesting. Jamil and Kalim are both interesting. Azul even says that the only person Kalim cares enough about to even promise something like keeping a dangerous unique magic a secret is Jamil. Which gets you wondering how people actually perceive how Kalim interacts with other people in the cast, because he could easily have cared about anyone else in the same way. Jamil is the exception and it’s emphasized over and over again - he is the one person Kalim will not be mean to (used to), Kalim genuinely wants to help him especially because Jamil helps him (still does! back to Kalim’s nature of reciprocity, based on his interpretation of how friendships work), and he is the one person Kalim trusts. The only person. Measured now, like a lot of other developments with Kalim related to things he used to not be able to do (tie his headband, organize a parade by himself) but now can (Cloudcalling voice lines, Jamil’s comfy birthday story), but the idea is still there. Which was always to get to truly understand the real Jamil and fulfill his real desires!

Now that we understand where Kalim starts with and where he ends off, as well as the development he went through all these books and events, what does this mean for his character? Does he end off wanting to help or wanting to assert his perspective? He found a way to align both of these with his development. He still wants to help Jamil; but now, he’ll say what he actually thinks and take a proactive stance in making sure Jamil doesn’t “shoot himself in the foot” over his self-pitying and counterintuitive attitude that restricts himself. He’s found a way to incorporate both his natural disposition that wants to help others and his acknowledgement of his own negative feelings. It’s really beautiful, and I can only wish the best for him and Jamil from here on out. I wish this was a feeling shared by the rest of the fandom, but sometimes, you can’t help stupidity… oh whoops I didn’t say that! You didn’t hear that! Hahaha…

Such a long time in the fandom and so many things answered! But so many other things left unanswered… I can’t wait to see where they go next 🙌

[travelingtwentysomething]

✨Are you new here?✨

✨🌚)))))(✨Hailey on AO3✨)(((((🌝✨

🪩 Let's Be Honest, If You Could Hop Dimensions, You'd Save Eddie Munson Too (AO3 // REBLOG // My Art: Eddie in Disguise/Comparison) - A Steddie+Original NonBinary Time/Dimension Traveler Character Fix-It Comedy/Adventure

🌚 Devotion Tastes So Sweet On Your Lips (AO3 // REBLOG) - A Spooky Steddie Horror One-Shot (Maybe Series...) Steve Prays To The Old Gods And Eddie The Banished Answers

🕸️ A Sticky Situation (AO3 // REBLOG) - A Harringroveson x Spideypoolverine Crossover Comedy One-Shot +Inspo Post for A Sticky Situation

—+++—Some Bonus Tumblr Only Ficlets—+++—

+Steve Throws Eddie His Yellow Sweater, Eddie Throws Steve His Vest. It's a Whole Thing (It's Canon. Gone a bit Viral, this one🤘) (Further Evidence: Steve Puts on The Vest and Eddie Checks Out His Ass, Also Canon. + Bonus Canon: Every Time Eddie Puts On His Steve Smile)

+Eddie Realizes Steve Is More Than A Babysitter (w/ Inspo Post Steve Slays Demo-Bats, Eddie Reacts, this one has Gotten Popular, but I mainly attribute that to Steve's Titties 🤘)

+Stephanus Concubinus, Emperor Geta's Vita (a Steddie x Gladiator II au blurb inspired by kingsandsaints ' gorgeous painting of Joe Keery wearing laurels and a white sheet🕊️)

+Rockstar!Eddie, Meets Server Duo Stobin, is an Asshole and Gets His Just De'Soup- Later Eddie Comes Back to Apologize and Gets Steve's Number- Then, A Misunderstanding and a Proposal (An Add-On Ficlet started by two very talented writers sabbathbloddysabbeth and estrellami-1🤘)

+Rockstar!Eddie in a Case of Mistaken Identity Gets Dragged to Dustin's 21st "Rockstar Hotel After Party" Themed Birthday by an Oblivious Steve +Bonus Robin Has Something To Say About That (An Add-On Ficlet inspired by Whathehonestfuk's post🤘)

+Rogueddie Famous!Steddie, Eddie Reads Tumblr RPF of Steve, Steve Gives a Rec (Rogueddie Wrote A Blurb, I Wrote A Blurb, an Add-On Ficlet)

+S4 Cut Scene: Steve Pines For Eddie, Dustin is Excited For Two Dad's, or Whatever, He's Not Picky (Eddie Witnesses This Interaction From Afar, Wonders Fondly, an Add-On Ficlet)

+Steve is afraid to scare Eddie away by treating him 'like a girl' (flowers, gifts, affection, etc.), Eddie is frustrated thinking Steve just can't bring himself to cuddle him because he's a guy. (Until Eddie opens Steve's closet and a mountain of dead and drying bouquets and boxes fall all around him. An Add-On Ficlet)

+Steddie!Little Mermaid AU Blurb-let (It started with a whisper- *Steve Herrington* and ended when Prince Eddie kissed he- er, uh, no wait- that's actually Henry the Sea Witch with Prince Steve's stolen voice... Violence and Magic and A Happily Ever After, Oh My!)

+Eddie Doesn't Give A Fuck About Sleep Paralysis Demon Steve (a bit personal, turned into a Steddie prompt)

📜A Tale in Gifs🍿

—++++—Stories Told in a Montage of Gifs—++++—

+Steve Definitely Doesn't Have A Type: A Steddie Tale in Gifs (+Because I Can't Leave Well Enough Alone, Emotional Damage) (Learned how to make gifs for this post lol took me hours give it some love, my first sort of popular post🤘)

+Eddie Munson the Lunchtime Menace... He Does All His Best Menacing at Tables: A Tale in Gifs (A Montage of Eddie Being Menacingly Innocent 😇👀)

+Steve: If He Fuck Me Good I'll Take His Ass To Red Lobster / Steddie Version / Metal Sandwich Version (🍨⛵🦞)

+The First Time Little Eddie Munson With The Buzzed Hair Gets Called A F*reak, He Is Too Stunned To Speak (Literally, just a sentence ✨with gifs✨ but now I need 100k words, on my desk by Monday morning. Prompto.)

✨everything else you need to know under the cut✨

🪩My Original Posts🪩

#op

+My Singular Piece of Art (Eddie in Disguise/Comparison)

+Jack Whitehall Incorrect Quote/Shipping Gays is the Glue That Holds Fandom Together🤘

+Harry Styles Raps to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Video (if you've never seen this, you're not fully realizing your potential)

+Joe Quinn is Dating Doja Cat? (It only took me a couple minutes to make this gif, skill issue defeated)

+Someone Asked Me "Favorite word?" And I Am A Comedian, So I Said- (you won't regret clicking on this one, here's your first clue that I am hilarious.)

+My Theory on Why Hollywood (And Men™) Thinks All Women Over 30 Are Witches (added to this already hilarious post about the Disney Movie Freaky Friday, your second clue that I am actually the funniest person you don't even know)

🪩Gems You Missed🪩

+ I just realized I caught the GHOST in my haunted house on video 🫥👀💀

+My Spooky Chicky Sammie Rizz 👻 Spooky Movie Night Rizz 🔮 Spooky Mocktails Rizz 🌝 (Have I seduced you yet?)

+A Break-up Cake Commissioned By Me From The WM Bakery: Mario Kart - "Welcome Back To The Streets" (If We Are Friends, This Is The Kind Of Moves You Can Expect From Me)

+15 Minute Roast Beef and Potato Soup (I make up easy recipes sometimes, ask me about my rotisserie chicken enchiladas with cilantro lime sour cream sauce)

+My Halloween Tree and Blockbuster Wall (About 4,000 DVDs lit up by my Halloween Tree, it's a Spooky Vibe, ask me for a Movie Rec... When I die I'm fixin to haunt the Criterion Closet👻)

+🍯My Dog Honey Watches Scooby Doo / Honey Cuddles Then and Now / Honey Plays Then and Now 🍬 / Honey's Pug-pies: Scooby, Momo, Pickle, and Ponyo

+My 2010 1D Tumblr Origin Story (🤣The true story of how I ended up on Tumblr)

+My Ridiculous Laptop Sticker Collection (feat. Some Steddie Stickers from Raynecreates)

+I'm Allergic to Cats, But I Would Get A Blue Russian to Name Them Comrade, Nickname: Commie (Big Brain Name Game™, Give me some credit and reblog this post🐈‍⬛)

+My High Thoughts About Pyramids (Higher Thoughts💭)

+My Epitaph (My Personal Philosophy, It's A Banger™)

👇Check the #Tags below to narrow down the fun👇

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I RECOMMEND:

#op - posts that I created or I contributed a significant comment to

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✨REBLOG✨ and we will be ✨MUTUALS✨

[macabr3-barbi3]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN Y'ALL

We'll have a masterlist for everyone soon but AHHH I'm so excited! I'm so proud of everyone and so glad to have some new people join us in the server, everyone has done such a fantastic job and it was so cool to see everyone work through their ideas 💗

A huge thank you to my beloved @fraugwinska for planning and organizing this event with me and making us so many amazing graphics, and encouraging me when I hit a wall. And thank you to everyone who participated and has posted or will be posting soon! I love all of you 🩷 @redvexillum @ritualofcirice @chefskjssart @dewdropdinosaur @lumikello24 @xalygatorx @melodyonthewireless @kewpikayo @jurijyuu ❤️

For the fic that started the brainworms squirming, come check out Hex: Smile Like You Mean It!

Summary: Someone has noticed you noticing them. Tags: video-game typical violence, exhibitionism, mutual masturbation, off-screen character deaths

He was watching you. Always watching you. 

Well- to be fair, he was always watching everyone. You knew when he was the trial's designated killer because you would catch the glint of a red light in the trees, a glare off the lens of a camera that watched you from the corner as you tried to work on a generator as stealthily as possible. Before you even had a chance to wipe the grease of the gears off your fingers he would be on you with a spark of electricity, razor sharp claws raking down your back or arm as you tried to get away with his distinct laugh ringing in your ears.

The other killers could be mindless- chasing you around the same rock or set of trees for minutes at a time while the others popped off generators left and right, absent obsession fueling their pursuit of you like they didn’t realize you were merely buying time for your friends. 

Vox was just as ruthless, but worse- he was smart. Cunning. Somehow he always knew which corner you were going to turn, which windows you were going to try and vault through, and despite your best efforts you could never get him close enough to a pallet to slam it on his head and bust that screen of his wide open. You had managed it one time, relishing in the satisfying crunch of shattered glass as he swore and you darted away.

Only for him to find you while you healed yourself and drop you onto a hook anyway, his smirk taunting and cruel before chasing your teammates away when they tried to rescue you.

And despite it all, you felt drawn to him. Not drawn enough to actively seek him out in a trial, but sometimes you would watch from the sidelines as he chased the others, follow his meandering path around the lodge at Mount Ormond from the balcony on the second floor. At first it was a macabre fascination- where had he come from? What had brought him here? How much of him was really a machine? Your curiosity regarding his body warped over time to a keen interest, and before you knew it the purpose of your eyes on him had changed- no longer just watching him to see where he carried your teammates off to but appreciating the way his muscles flexed and moved beneath his clothing, admiring the delicate lines of his claw tipped fingers when he grabbed the edges of a window to chase after someone.

This was why you felt you were different from his surveillance of everyone else- you knew he could see you when you did this, watching him the same way he watched you through the cameras, and he never altered his course when you engaged in this behavior. It was only when you were working on generators, healing your friends, doing the things that needed to be done in order to survive, that he would spring forth from the cameras and start slashing and taunting.

The first time you had felt that flash of heat through your core watching him lick a stray drop of your blood from his claws after he threw you on a hook, you had been so ashamed you didn’t even bother trying to keep the Entity’s claws from coming down for you, your teammates too far away to help anyway. It got easier to live with though, something new and dangerously exciting when you looked at him and imagined the way his body looked under his clothes, wondered how calloused his fingertips were and how they would feel dragging across your skin with the intention of pleasure rather than pain.

Almost like a punishment for daring to feel something other than fear and despair when you looked at him, the Entity wasn’t kind enough to give you chances to observe Vox all that often; time didn’t really exist in this realm, but it felt like you had been in back to back to back matches for days, only at the campfire long enough for your wounds from Pyramid Head in the Swamp to be reset before you were being whisked away to be locked into a head cage by the Pig at the meat plant. It was never ending, constant torture that had you exhausted, moving slowly and always fumbling on the generators; which in turn had your teammates upset with you, and they would leave you to bleed out on the ground or struggle on the hooks while the rest of them worked away at the generators all the way across the map.

This time, when you landed in Haddonfield and everyone took off without you, you opted to just stay out of sight- you would hide in lockers, maybe hole up in a car and just rest until the others had finished the generators or gotten themselves killed, depending on who the killer was. Then you could make your way to a gate or try to find the hatch as long as they didn’t find you first.

You hear Yun-Jin start a generator near you and sneak off in the other direction; a smart choice, since your heartbeat picks up not even a full fifteen seconds later, Yun-Jin’s scream echoing with the sound of Vox’s laughter as he tosses her onto the hook. 

You peek over the rock that you hide behind as he turns, brushing dirt off his suit and straightening his bowtie- when he looks up he locks eyes with you across the field, flashing you a wide, sharp-toothed smile before he zaps into the nearby camera and is gone, another scream from David sounding off shortly after.

Your heart is still, so you take the risk and head towards Yun-Jin crouched low to the ground, just in case he’s watching. Your arms shake as you help her down, and she doesn’t say anything before she’s rushing off, leaving a trail of blood in her wake. You sigh and kick at a rock on the ground, debating if you should follow her and offer assistance.

“Damn, not even a thank you? And you all think I’m brutal.”

You stumble to the ground in your haste to turn around, but he doesn’t rush at you- just watches, like he watches through the cameras, like he watches you watch him. “Don’t be so dramatic,” he scoffs. “I’m not here for you, doll- not yet.” He drops to a crouch in front of you, his screen so close you can feel the static on the screen making your hair raise; he brings his fingers up from the ground, wet and red with Yun-Jin’s blood. His face changes, pulling up a surveillance feed; you can see Yun-Jin in one little square, desperately trying to heal herself without assistance; David and Ace work on a generator in the basement of one of the buildings, not even glancing at the cameras that hold them in their glass stare. You’re half expecting him to spring suddenly, luring you into a false sense of safety, but it doesn’t come- a little cursor comes across the screen and clicks on the staticky image of the men and he’s gone.

You’re not going to assume he would let you escape twice, so you creep into one of the houses and find a locker in a room that didn’t appear to have any cameras. You should feel bad, you think, about simply hiding while the others tried to do what needed to be done to escape; but Yun-Jin hadn’t even said ‘thanks’ for risking your ass to pull her off the hook, and most of the other survivors never bothered to help you either since your exhaustion had started to get the best of your normally nimble fingers. A couple were reliable- Adam, Jane, and Claudette could usually be counted on to help get you out of a sticky situation- but these three in particular that you were facing Vox with? They could help themselves.  

The others are too far away to hear them scream, but the two booms that ripple across the map when two of your teammates are sacrificed to the Entity can be heard from anywhere. There’s a scuffle outside the house and David stumbles in, bleeding from a deep gash in his back- a crackle of electricity and Vox is right after him, another swipe of those sharp claws dropping him to the floor. Vox peers at the locker in front of him- like he can see you through the slats, he winks before he picks David up and leaves the room to find a hook.

You should run. Flee the locker before he came back, your heart kicking into overdrive as the final sound rings out that tells you David is gone.

You don’t get a chance. The door to the locker is yanked open, and there stands Vox, his arms resting on the top of the opening and leaning in so that he’s all you can see, so you can’t escape. “Looks like you’re our lucky winner!” He says cheerfully, sounds like an old-timey game show sounding off from his screen, and he reaches into the locker to grab your arm. “How handy- I’ve been meaning to have a chat with you, my dear. Let’s go somewhere more comfortable, shall we?”

Connected as you are, when he flashes into the camera you’re pulled with him- left with a feeling not unlike laughing gas at the dentist when you’re deposited into the living room of one of the houses. “Have a seat,” he offers, gesturing to the couch before you as you wobble on your feet. When you turn jerkily, only half a thought in your head saying to run, his grip on your arm tightens; he turns you to face him, other hand coming up to tilt your face up to meet his eyes. “Sit down.” He says firmly this time, and the red of his eye is swirling with black lines that seem to say trust me trust me trust me.

You sit, and Vox looks surprised. “Fuck, I didn’t think that would work,” he laughs. “That’s good to know.” He looks thoughtful for a moment before he drags the nearby armchair to sit in front of you, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees while you watch one another. “Something to try in a trial sometime, maybe-”

“Are you going to kill me?” You ask, and he laughs loud and fake in the overwhelming silence of the room.

“I’m just trying to have a conversation! I gotta tell ya, I was having a lot of fun chasing you and your friends around but it was starting to get a little stale- and then there you are!” He gives you a wide smile, the sharpness of his teeth glinting in the low light of the house. “Always looking at me from behind trees and shit while I hunt down your teammates, watching me from the balconies and through windows- I know all about surveillance but it’s enough to make a man blush, sweetheart.”

His words make you blush- you had figured that he knew about you watching him, but not that he had picked up on your… interest. You try to stammer out a rebuttal and he laughs, waving you down with a mischievous look in his eyes. “None of that denial,” he chides. “I’m not here to judge; I’m quite flattered.” He winks at you again, the swirl of his eye lazy but not compelling you in any way, merely holding you in its gaze. “And that brings me here with a proposition! Mutually beneficial to the both of us, I can assure you.”

“What… do you want?” You ask cautiously, and his smile turns wicked, red drool dripping from the corners of his mouth.

He shocks you by stripping off the vest he wears over his white shirt, tossing it over his shoulder. “I’m a performer at heart, doll- the nature of a man in news means I love an audience, and an audience of one can be exciting in the right context.” He leans back into the armchair and pops a few buttons on his shirt, running his hands down his chest to the belt buckle that rests at the center of his waistband. “I want you to do what you’ve been doing so well lately- watch me.”

His belt clinks as he undoes the buckle, and your mouth runs dry. He teases electric blue claws against the zipper, a growing bulge under the seam that’s obvious to your eyes in the dim light of his screen. “What’s. What’s the mutually beneficial part here?” You ask, only stammering a little, and he chuckles low and dark.

“Depends,” he murmurs, “do you think the ‘show’ is your good part or mine?” He brushes his fingers against the outline of his cock, having hardened further under your watchful gaze, and a groan crackles out of his throat, staticky and harsh.

“It could be both,” you say absently, watching him finally draw the zipper down- the glowing that comes from his lap should be off-putting, but it’s not. You clench your thighs together, resisting the urge to rub them for some attempt at friction when his hand dips inside of his slacks and pulls his length out; hard, leaking from the tip until he swipes a dark blue thumb over it which a moan, a soft neon glow that seems to come from somewhere inside.

“It’s actually meant to be yours,” he says, “which means you’re kinda leaving me hanging here, sugar.” He stretches a leg across the expanse between your chair, knocking his foot against your feet to move them to the sides, the sweatpants you wear stretching tight across your lap as he essentially kicks your legs apart. “We should both be getting something out of this.” 

You catch his meaning, only hesitating for a moment before shifting enough on the couch that you can start shimmying your pants down past your knees. 

“Gimme a real show, doll,” he whispers roughly, dragging his fist up and down his cock slowly. “Let me see you.” His other hand finishes unbuttoning his shirt, the skin that he exposes a deep navy, littered with scars that only serve to draw your attention more fully to him. His claws tease over a glowing nipple- was that a USB port? - and the action causes sparks that rain down his abdomen.

You keep your gaze on him as you brush lightly against your clit through your panties, the shock of pleasure making your hips jerk. You apply more pressure, a swift circling around the sensitive nerves, and a moan breaks free of the barrier of your lips. Vox meets it with one of his own, the fist around his cock stroking earnestly, the fingers of his free hand trailing up and down his body, coming down to cup and squeeze his balls while he watches you.

“Fuck me, that’s fucking sexy,” he growls, his voice like gravel- his eyes are narrowed in between your legs like a man possessed, the intensity of his gaze like fire, like lightning. Your entire body is flushed, dripping with sweat when you copy him and let your free hand cup your breasts, tease the nipples through your thin shirt. “You like having eyes on you, sweetheart? Pull those little panties aside, show me what you like.”

You do as he asks, pulling the gusset of your soaked blue panties to the side and trailing a finger through the slickness of your folds. Your breath leaves you in shaky gasps as you press a digit inside, the angle not quite right for hitting that sweet spot that made you see stars. It had been so long since you had indulged in a little self pleasure, certainly at least before you had been swept up in the fog and taken to the entity’s realm; even with the thoughts you had had about this man you had never gone so far as actually touching yourself with the lack of privacy around the campfire and in the trials. The touch alone was good, but to have Vox watching you so closely, the wet sounds of him stroking his cock mingling in the air with those that came from your fingers pressing desperately into your cunt, a second joining the first too soon, was burning bliss that raced through your veins. 

His tongue hangs from his mouth, drool dangling obscenely from the end of it; he leans forward enough that it drips over his prick, the added wetness making everything so much louder as his rhythm sped up. “Come on, sweetness, fuck that pretty pussy for me,” he pants, his eyes glued to where your fingers begin thrusting into yourself, the drip of your arousal leaking from your stretched entrance. “Nice and loud so the camera picks it up.”

Your eyes dart to the surveillance camera in the corner of the room that the two of you had come jolting out of, the lens wide and glaring and pointed right at you. “You’re recording?” You ask breathlessly, hot desire flashing through you at the idea of him coming back to this moment between trials, looking at a playback of you fucking yourself on your fingers like a whore just because he told you, because he wanted to watch you do it. 

“She won’t let us stay here forever,” he says, a harsh grunt tearing free of his throat as his strokes pick up speed, slick, rhythmic sounds that echo in your ear and make your head slow and fuzzy. As he says it, the whole realm seems to creak and groan and shift, like reaffirming that the Entity was displeased with how you were using her little world of chaos. “Just getting a little something to tide me over til next time.”

Next time. A moan slips from between your lips, letting yourself lean back further against the cushions so you can angle your fingers correctly to brush against the textured spot of sensitive tissue inside. “What’s the plan for next time?” You inquire, watching his fingers glide effortlessly over the illuminated flesh of his cock- he seems to harden further at your words, leaking from the tip in a way that makes your mouth water. With any luck, your next encounter would involve actually getting to touch him; to feel all that hard flesh under your hands, raking divots into his skin, tasting the salty musk of his precum on your tongue before sinking into his lap. Your cunt flutters uselessly around your fingers, pleasurable but not enough when you think about being stuffed full with the promising erection that Vox held in his fist.

“Once I get rid of your little friends,” he says in a stage whisper, “I’m going to d̸̡̩͍̔ͥ͜ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊s̩͙͖̋͛͟t̴͕͖͓̀r̶̷̲͍̭͐̾̀͟ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚y̯̤͑́́̓́ y̯̤͑́́̓́ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚û̶͙̽̿͆̈.” His hand flies in slick strokes over his cock as he races towards completion, the pixels of his eyes not even blinking as he watches you desperately try to shove your fingers further, reach as deep as you knew he would. The corruption of his voice, like his internal system was at its very limits, makes you clench hard around your fingers, arousal burning in every bit of skin that was under his gaze. “Bend you over the closest surface and fuck you stupid- make sure every time you catch a glimpse of my cameras you remember being stretched around my prick and b͔͔̳͈̊̆ͥ͂͜͝ḛ̡̰̳͓̥ͬ͋ͪͧg̬̬̱ͩ͋͟͟g̬̬̱ͩ͋͟͟i̧̻̻͉̜͑ͪ̾͟n̫̫̘̗͕̲̲̎ͥg̬̬̱ͩ͋͟͟ m̰̰̹͚̙̂ͦ͗͠ḛ̡̰̳͓̥ͬ͋ͪͧ to cum.”

Your legs tremble, muscles tensing as your orgasm barrels closer. “Oh God,” you moan, so close that every part of you aches with the need for release- your head thrashes against the cushions of the couch, nerves overstimulated and raw and eyes locked on where his thumb brushed against his head, the entire length twitching in his grip as he watches you in turn.

“Or maybe I’ll let them live and fill up that sweet mouth first,” he grunts, “see if your muscle memory is good enough to do a generator while I fuck your face- better not fuck it up unless you want your teammates to see you g̴̶̛̮̣͙͠ă̶̸̝ͦ͊̿͋͞g̴̶̛̮̣͙͠g̴̶̛̮̣͙͠i̵͓͙̱͚̎͟n̷̶̯͉̊̽̐ͦ͘g̴̶̛̮̣͙͠ for a killer’s cock-” Static flashes across his screen, a sudden snowstorm that glitches his face out before he lurches forward, his free hand gouging deep gashes into the arm of the couch you lay across. “F̵̦̺͕́̐͟û̶͙̽̿͆̈c̷̹͖͋́̃k̶̸͙̭̹͆͟, g̴̶̛̮̣͙͠ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚n̷̶̯͉̊̽̐ͦ͘n̷̶̯͉̊̽̐ͦ͘ă̶̸̝ͦ͊̿͋͞ c̷̹͖͋́̃û̶͙̽̿͆̈m̶̷͔ͪ̽͡--”

The camera in the corner goes dark as he spills over his fingers, the glow lightly flashing up the length of his shaft with every pulse into his hand- his release splashes across your bared skin, hot and thick, a deep, dark flash of arousal through your core at the sensation. You’re a hair trigger away from your own orgasm when he pulls his claws from the couch arm and stills your hands. The burning pleasure cools, frustration taking its place at his interruption until you see his face has come back, his eyes dark and drool dripping from the edges of his razor sharp teeth.

“Open those lips for me, sugar,” he says softly, and you do so with no hesitation; his claws slip between your lips and over your tongue, the salty, musky taste of his cum overwhelming your senses. You try in vain to get your fingers moving again, Vox’s hand squeezing lightly to deter the attempted movements. “Suck,” he says darkly, his left eye glowing red and swirling, but you’d have done it even without the compulsion that weaved through your mind, so desperate for whatever pleasure he could give you that you’d do whatever he asked. 

You apply the suction he’s requested, hollowing your cheeks and sliding your tongue between his fingers, licking every drop of his release that you can find. He keeps those fingers in your mouth and uses his other hand to knock yours away from your pussy, careful with his claws as he tears your soaked panties from your body and swipes his fingers through the slick of your arousal. You moan around his fingers when he slides a digit into you, long and strong and immediately putting pressure right where you need it, where you couldn’t properly reach before. “That’s fucking right,” he growls, and the gravel in his voice has your cunt clamping down on him when he pushes another finger in, thrusting fast and hard- the coil in your abdomen tenses, drool and humiliating noises escaping through your parted lips as he drags you to the edge. “Go on, baby, fucking s̩͙͖̋͛͟c̷̹͖͋́̃r̶̷̲͍̭͐̾̀͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ă̶̸̝ͦ͊̿͋͞m̶̷͔ͪ̽͡ f̷̵̫̞̉͢ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚r̶̷̲͍̭͐̾̀͟ m̶̷͔ͪ̽͡ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊…”

Your orgasm rips through you like a hook to the shoulder, every muscle clenching hard, your soft inner walls fluttering as Vox’s hand is drenched. Your veins are alight with electric pleasure that’s prolonged with every additional push of his fingers fucking in and out of you, his thumb coming up to brush insistently at your clit. The added sensation toes the line of too much, the pleasure almost painful as he works you straight through one orgasm to another, his eyes- and the camera- never leaving your body as it seizes up again, Vox’s presence finally leaving your mouth so you can whimper and cry his name loud enough to echo in the empty house.

When he finally withdraws from the clutch of your pussy, his fingers are soaked and dripping with your release- he brings them to his mouth, long tongue darting out to lick you from his skin. He slides a hand under your head and tilts your face to the corner of the room. “Smile pretty for the camera,” he says, letting his tongue trail around the shell of your ear, and you feel a fucked out grin steal across your features before he lets you collapse into the cushions again.

Everything is pleasant and fuzzy- your body still tingles from the aftershocks of two vigorous orgasms, and Vox’s arms are strong and muscular under your back as he lifts you. “Easy, sweetheart,” he murmurs, and he’s repositioning you to rest against his shoulder, standing and lifting you from the couch with ease. “Fuck, I knew you’d be good for me. Stay just like that, yeah?” He makes his way through the house, and as you walk you can hear the hum of the hatch- it seemed like now that you had both finished, he was going to let you escape…

But your eyes open when the hum of the hatch fades, Vox’s grip still strong on your waist as he also bypasses the exit gate. “Um- Vox?” You crane your neck to see him striding purposefully towards the hook in the middle of the road, the Entity’s claws already poised and ready above it. 

Panic overrides the soft pliancy that had taken over your body, immediately struggling against the firm hold that he had on you- but you’d never managed to successfully wiggle free of him in any trial. “Don’t be like that,” he chides you, your movement at least pulling him a little off course. “It’s nothing personal, doll- we had a good time together but at the end of the day, business is business! Gotta answer to the lady upstairs- don’t hold it against me next time.” He passes by a pallet, and in a surge of desperation you reach for it- your fingers just manage to catch it, pulling hard so it slams into his body, a solid sound that echoes in the empty realm.

It’s enough- just barely, but it’s enough. His grip loosens and you drop from his shoulder, and you take the brief moment of his confusion to slam his head down hard into the wood. It breaks under the force of him, the sound of shattering glass and cursing filling your ears before you dart away on shaky legs, not waiting to see the aftermath.

The hatch isn’t far away, and you see him stand from where you had slammed him down- cobweb fractures span across his face, and his eyes are fractured and angry in every piece of broken glass visible. “It’s nothing personal,” you call to him, and you can see the pieces of his expression glitch out- whether it’s shock, anger, admiration, you can’t tell, but you aren’t going to take the time to figure it out. “Don’t hold it against me next time!” You drop into the darkness of the hatch, his frustrated scream echoing in your head as he fades from view.

[yuurei20]

So in the second novel, after Leona's overblot does it go into his past or is it just the speech afterwards?

Hello hello! We see a brief interaction between Leona and his brother that is similar to how things played out in the game.

Some places are identical but other places are only in the game, other places are only in the novel, and other places are similar in both but slightly different, so I put the pieces from each together into a puzzle--I hope this helps!

(The EN translation is great but I am posting screenshots from both servers for just in case anyone is curious)

"From the moment I was born, there’s been a boulder on top of me that’s too heavy to move.

From the very instant I came into this world—no, long before that. This weight has always been here.

Once, when I was too young to understand anything, I asked about it like a fool, and the butler looked genuinely troubled.

Not once, throughout all his long years spent serving the royal family, had he ever worn such a perplexed expression. In that moment I realized that I had no right to desire the throne.

Not to boast, but I was a clever, intelligent child. But even so, someone should have been able to understand me, sooner or later.

I will have my chance, too. Someday, someone will see me for who I am. I was so certain, and I worked so hard.

Until I realized it was all for nothing.

'Come on, let's finish up quickly before Leona-sama returns.' 

The servants are whispering as they clean.

‘I can't deal with such a moody child.' 

I can hear them through the door. 

‘He’s probably out there asking twisted questions, troubling his tutor. Crown Prince Falena-sama is so bright and cheerful, so why is his younger brother Leona-sama so sullen?’

‘It’s so troublesome. And to think a member of our own royal family possesses magic that turns everything to sand...'

‘Both of you, will you stop with that! What will happen if someone overhears you.’

Nothing. That’s how I want to respond, with a laugh. If I were to open this door, step inside, and show them this ‘terrifying power,’ I wonder what their faces would look like.

Of course, I would never do that. 

I used to have them reprimanded, indiscriminately, for being so ill-mannered, but by this point I had stopped. Because I had realized that it will never end.

Unique magic that is inherited at birth has nothing to do with the person’s will, but humans wrapped up in their own superstitions are ignorant to common sense.

Or maybe they think this is a power that I desired, and fought to obtain. Either way, they are not worth dealing with. I dislike hassles. And I hate doing things that have no point.

And yet, I still find myself thinking.

I bet that if I were the Crown Prince, this is what everyone would have said: ‘A promising mage with strong magical power? He is so thoughtful, composed, and completely different from his carefree younger brother.’

I knew thinking about it was pointless, but I couldn't stop. And I started to hate myself for it.

The hope I had been clinging to finally disappeared with the birth of my brother's son.

'Leona! Why weren’t you at today’s ceremony?'

My older brother was so polite as to confront me directly with reality.

‘Ceremony? Ah, you mean the party you threw to parade your child around in front of the nation? Yeah, sorry about that. I ended up going back to sleep.’

‘Such a lazy…the presentation of a future king to the citizens is an important day.’

‘Certainly. An important, joyous day. Since it’s the same day that the despised second prince’s only chance to inherit the throne disappears. Everyone in town and throughout the palace must be undoubtedly relieved.’

Even if both my father and my brother were to die, I cannot become king. The throne is a hopeless prospect. And he knows. He knows that I have longed for the day I would succeed to the throne since I was a child.

And still he believes that it is only natural that I would celebrate the birth of his son.

I cannot bear the kindness of someone so stupid.

‘Do not say it like that!’ 

If you can make such a pained expression as you speak, why don’t you hand over the throne? That glory that you’ve had since you were born without struggling a day in your life.

‘Being born first must be nice. You spend every day singing and lazing around, and become king.’

He furrows his brows, looking sad, as if preparing to counsel me.

‘Leona…you may never be king, but you are still wise. There is so much you could do for this country.’

For this country. What a cruel, detestable thing to say.

‘And? You’re telling me that, for this country, I should serve you obediently? You have some nerve, saying something like that while trying to be all chummy!’

‘That’s not what I mean! You cannot let that power of yours rot away, unused.’

‘And maybe if this country selected its kings on the basis of intelligence, I’d be motivated to do something with it.’

If I have to talk to this naiive man any longer I might go insane. Just before I left the library I turned to him, and smiled.

‘Congratulations, Falena-sama. I sincerely rejoice in the birth of a new sun…surely the future of the kingdom of Sunset Savanna is incredibly bright.’

Without waiting for a response, I slammed the door shut.

No matter how hard I study, no matter how powerful the magic I become capable of commanding, it will never be acknowledged that I am superior to my brother, and I will never become king. Why do I have to endure such thoughts, just because I was born a few years too late? 

Simply because I was born in the wrong order, everything I do is dismissed; nothing is even acknowledged.

Why did I have to be born second? Why will I never get to be first? Why. Why. Why. 

—Life truly is unfair."

(This connects directly to here!)