#i just read her wikipedia and the fact that i literally know all of those places she attended when she was young feels wild

[ao3screenshotss]

holy shit i just found out my religion teacher used to work with cate blanchett at maccas

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

ok so ive been rewatching psychoville and saw on the wikipedia that there were a bunch of websites made for the series (they were all written by reece and steve btw) which i've been looking through cos they are genuinely SO fucking funny & also just amazingly creative lol!

anyway i know people in the fandom probs already know about this (since the show came out literally 15 years ago pfft) but i thought i'd share some of my fav bits (but honestly would just recommend just checking them out if you haven't i have been crying with laughter for literally hours lol)

i will say that a lot of the media (videos, games, etc) no longer work on the archived sites rip but i'm sure people have uploaded some of the stuff (vids especially) to yt or other places lol

so a) i love that we get some background stuff on jelly and 2) 'captain CRACKERS' bernie clifton's dressing room reference question mark ??????? (ofc bcdr was AFTER this but i know love the idea that mr jelly trained under len pfft)

what that red raw stump do though 👀 (sorry pfffft)

mr jolly's website wasn't that interesting soz tho i did like him comparing being a doctor to being a clown lol

the comment about fag bears did make me wheeze i'm afraid lol i also loved the blurry photos of lomax's commodities lol (kinda reminded me of the bit in tlog w/ that terrible old photographer guy lol)

when i tell you i DIED with laughter at the 'now known as hull' bit like u just know reece wrote that bit pfft

not really a funny thing but this poem written by david honestly kinda breaks my heart lol... i think it also a lot of additional context to david's guilt when he thought he'd killed his father(faver) because perhaps he felt guilty about NOT feeling guilty you get me? like, it felt to me that when maureen told david it was SHE who killed her husband, it didn't feel like he was mad at her for doing it, but more that she kept the fact from him. it's about... the mutual oedipus-coded obsession with one another that couldn't even be destroyed in death and in this essay i will....

ghoul_lass23 is just like me but about tumblr lol fr

nothing feels more cursed than the phrases 'the river minge has burst its banks', 'crying creamy tears' and 'fleshy rapunzel' (which i've just noticed they misspelt lol... don't think that was intentional lol?) so if i had to read this so do you <3

the way that i kinda wish this actually existed tho pfft... also, it does kinda remind me of that video where jenny nicholson talked about that insane reality show 'opposite worlds' lol

'cross between seven and glee' is honestly sending me pfft

also on this part there was a script from stinkfinger (which is a show mentioned on the show) which sounded suspiciously like a reference to tlc lol

the less said about swastknickers the better

(will say i did nearly piss myself laughing at the nazi section of the hoity toity website lol which wasn't a sentence i thought i'd type today lol)

i just love these kinds of jokes pfft

also the whole biography sections of each of the pantomime cast are fab lol tho i AM kinda pissed they made debbie from yeovil and yet didn't give her a west country accent lol!!! (i guess they thought it'd be a bit much w/ joy being bristolian but i'm still mad about it lol)

also i know people have probably already pointed this out but i do find it funny that brian in the in9 episode last night of the proms is a closeted gay guy who likes watching drag was probably a reference to brian in this show that was a drag queen like... is anything these guys do NOT a reference??? u know those gaylor fans who obsessively look for clues in her songs about her apparent secret sexuality? all i'm saying is that i think they'd really like the extended reece shearsmith & steve pemberton universe pfft

all three of these made me cry with laughter lol

ohh this is interesting lol so obviously they suspected that some people might be all 'um why didn't the sprinklers go off during the fire at ravenhill? plot hole much!' so they wrote this into one of the websites so they could be like SEE! WE'RE ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU DUMBASSES lol

both the jeremy kyle reference (remember when that was a thing? yikes... my mum used to watch his show CONSTANTLY...) and nurse kenshington's thoughts on david and maureen are interesting lol.. also there's a reference to the serial killer top trumps in this bit lol! (do people still play top trumps?? man i LOVED top trumps lol...)

the entire sunnyvale care home section is so fucking funny (both the website AND in the show lol mrs wren/mrs ladybird face is unironically probably my favourite character on the entire show) these were just some of my fav gags lol...

ok but why is this the SECOND reference to a guy punching a child who was apparently looking at his dick lol!??!! did this happen to one of you ??!!?!? reece did you punch a child ??!???!?!??

&&&& that's it lol

there were a few websites i didn't spend long on or generally weren't that interesting (coughmidgetgemscough) but honestly? i was really captivated with just how funny and well put together all these sites were! you can tell they had a lot of fun making it and i'm sure fans at the time LOVED being able to have this semi-interactive element of the show lol

there was just something so wonderfully late 00's about these websites lol i genuinely don't think i've laughed this much at anything in literal months and all of this is just solidifies that psychoville is a criminally under-appreciated masterpiece lol

[amiti-art]

Cyrene, Apollo and Ares (and how it was actually only Cyrene and Apollo and Wikipedia is not always a reliable source)

Some of you might know the myth in which Apollo's lover - Cyrene met Ares and had a son named Diomedes (NOT the same guy as Diomedes from Iliad) with him.

Except... she didn't.

When I was researching Cyrene some time ago I realised that her article on Theoi (great source btw) doesn't mention Ares at all. I didn't pay that much attention to this back then, after all, most of the myths have many versions so I assumed that the one with Ares is just less popular one.

I was more preoccupied with the fact that Idmon who I always thought to be Apollo and Cyrene's son was not actually always listed as theirs and had like 5 different variants of parentage.

Let's start with Cyrene's children and why Wikipedia should not be used as a primary source.

Her Personal Information Section on Wikipedia lists 3 children: Aristaeus, Autuchus and Idmon. Later in the Family section it's said that she also had Diomedes with Ares.

For the life of me I could not find anything about Autuchus in the ancient sources BUT I found that Anthocus (which is kinda similar) was the title of Aristaeus and was sometimes mistaken for another son of the pair.

So likely it is the same mistake.

Aristaeus is also the one who is almost always said to be son of Apollo and Cyrene and both of his parents appear in his myths.

Idmon like I said had many different sets of parents: Apollo and Cyrene, Abas and Cyrene, Apollo and Asteria (NOT the sister of Leto), Apollo and Antianeira, Apollo and Abas (one is bio father, the other is foster father, I think????). He also doesn't have an article on Theoi so reserch on him is going to be a nightmer. 🙃

And now Diomedes

Wikipedia says this

But does not link any source for this story

What's more: there are sources describing Apollo changing Cyrene into a Nymph and they also don't mention Ares AT ALL. They are also written in a way that suggest that changing her into a Nymph was one of the first things Apollo did after meeting her.

This doesn't add up with this Ares thing at all.

So where did the Wikipedia article got this Cyrene-fighting-Ares story from? Well, I decided to look into edits history and this section was actually deleted a few months ago with this comment.

My honest reaction to this information: 😐

And then the section was revived for some reason.

But you know when it was first added? 2 years ago.

When did Rick's book about Greek heroes came out? 8 years ago.

So right now Cyrene's Wikipedia article is misleading and contains information from a RETELLING stated as facts.

The only thing I could find that was linking Cyrene with Ares was this:

and it doesn't even say if this is the same Cyrene. It could be, but we have to remember that in the myths there were like 14 dudes named Abas (and 5 named Idmon while we're at it.)

+this is a very late source compared to all the other Cyrene's myths.

Other source claims that Diomedes' mother was Asterie

I personaly think those are two different Cyrenes and here's why:

• Cyrene (Apollo's lover) when introduced in the myth is usually accompanied either by her parentage or by some other characteristic like "sheparderss" "huntress" "archeress" "lion slayer" and so on. Cyrene from Ares' myth has nothing to her name which makes me think she was just some random women.

• Non of Cyrene's own myths ever mention Ares (or I couldn't find any), while Apollo is mentioned often.

• Apollo's Cyrene was Thessalian and Diomedes (and therefor his mother likely as well) was Thracian

• There is literally nothing I could find that would suggest that Apollo's Cyrene and Cyrene from Ares myth are the same and since there are many characters in the mythology with the same names (again 14 Abas') labeling these two as one is irrational (Diomedes himself shares the name with one of the Iliad's characters).

Anyway, lesson for today: be careful while reading Wikipedia and always check the sources.

This kinda scares me tbh because how many more of those articles treat retellings as actual sources and were added by fans of the said retellings?

I hope somebody will fix this article because wtf

[toastedcinnamonflakes]

Guide on How to Improve Your Reading Level

So. You want to improve your reading level. You currently read only “easy” stories – for example Colleen Hoover. But you want to challenge yourself. You want to read more.

Well, let me help you. I am compiling a guide for you here to help you get more advanced with your reading. I have sorted literature into different levels, and will give you suggestions for each level. This is not an all-encompassing guide, more like a guideline – obviously I don’t know every single author. I will try to stick to authors that are all also available in English, but if one or two sneak in that are not available in English, or your main language, I apologise. I encourage you to seek suggestions outside of this, too. A good place to get good recommendations and not just the same five #BookTok books over and over again are actually newspapers and magazines with a Feuilleton! You can also message me for some tips, or find other book blogs on tumblr. I am sure most are glad to help.

I am not sorting these books by categories like “Children’s books”, “Young adult” or similar, because I find that within those loose categories, books can vary wildly. Instead, I am focusing on complexity, length, necessary existing knowledge and other factors. Without further ado, let me begin!

Level 1: Books that are short, to the point, without complex vocabulary. There usually are no metaphors there, and if there are, you do not necessarily HAVE to dive into them, the story makes sense nonetheless. You do not need to have any pre-existing knowledge to understand them, either. They are also either stand-alones or can be read as stand-alones, so you do not have to commit to a long series.

Such books are:

Most books by Dyanna Wynne Jones, especially her Fantasy novels

Books by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Most books by Leigh Bardugo (although is STRONGLY discourage you from reading the Shadow and Bone trilogy, those books are messy, unimaginative and kinda sexist. She found her literary footing after that.)

Books by Michael Ende

Most books by Erich Kästner (his few excursions into adult literature are more complex and require some previous knowledge about the Weimar Republic)

Books by Alexander Kielland Krag

Books by Walter Moers

Most books by V.E. Schwab

Books by Axie Oh

Books by Naomi Novik

Books by Casey McQuiston

Books by Kai Meyer

Books by Marissa Meyer

Books by T.J. Klune

Level 2: Now we are coming onto books that, while mostly still short, use a bit more complex vocabulary and/or metaphor. So, you might be required to not take everything literally and do a bit of interpretation. Occasionally, you might need to do a quick Wikipedia read to get context for the book. The characters are becoming a bit more complex, too, but often the text itself explains character’s motivations/thoughts directly.

Books that fit that description are for example:

"Convenience Store Woman" by Sayaka Murata

“Swimming in the Dark” by Tomasz Jędrowski

“Kim Jiyoung, born 1982” by Cho Nam-Joo

Books by Phillip Pullman, in particular his “Golden Compass” Trilogy

“Iron Widow” by Xiran Jay Zhao

“Fire and Hemlock” by Dyanna Wynne Jones

Books by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

Books by Celeste Ng

“The last Unicorn” by Peter S. Beagle

Level 3: Now we are reaching books that use complex vocabulary, maybe you even need to look up a word or two (but this is how you expand your own vocabulary). The sentences are more complex, the stories are constructed in a more complex way (but still usually follow one narrative string), the characters are most of the time nuanced. You will need to pay attention to the subtext and do some interpreting of your own. Some of these books have the labels “classic” attached to them, but don’t let that scare you – in fact, for most classics, you will be able to look up information/interpretations online if you are struggling. We also have some books now that are either parts of a longer series or parts of a bigger canon (not all of them, some are still stand-alones).

Such books are for example:

Books by Agatha Christie

Books by Selma Lagerlöf (although I have to say, she very often uses metaphors, dream-sequences and similar narrative devices)

Books by Terry Pratchett

Andrzej Sapkowski’s “Witcher”Saga

“The Shadow land” by Elizabeth Kostova

Books by Joan Lindsay

“A hero of our time” by Michail Lermontow

“Sauhund” by Lion Christ

Most books/short stories by Nikolai Gogol

Some of Stanislaw Lem’s books, like “The Star Diaries”, “Tales of Pirx the Pilot”

Books by Hanne Ørstavik, particularly the books before “Love”

Books by Gerd Brantenberg

“Revolutionary Road” by Richard Yates

“Carmilla” by Sheridan Le Fanu

The “Sherlock Holmes” Stories by Arthur Conan Doyle

Level 4: On this level, the vocabulary is advanced and the sentence structure is complex. The characters are multi-dimensional, complicated and explored on a psychological level.

The books want to say something, and often say it through the use of metaphors. You need to be attentive while reading, maybe even take some notes, if you really want to get to the bottom with your interpretation. Still, the books follow a (mostly) clear plotline and while there are occasionally some “non-realistic” elements in them like Dreams, they are still somewhat grounded in a fictional reality that mostly mirrors our own. Many of these novels are also long.

Jane Austen’s books

Fyodor Dostoevsky’s books

“Rebecca” by Daphne du Maurier

“Jane Eyre” by Charlotte Bronte

“Wuthering Heights” by Emily Bronte

“Agnes Grey” and “The Tennant of Wildfell Hall” by Anne Bronte

Plays by Friedrich Schiller

Plays by Henrik Ibsen

Most books by the Strugatzki brothers

“War and Peace” and “Anna Karenina” by Lew Tolstoi

“Dracula” by Bram Stoker

“Frankenstein” by Mary Shelley

books by Jeannette Winterson

books by Charles Dickens

Short stories by Anton Tschechow

Books by Michail Bulgakow

Level 5: Now we have reached the territory of the truly advanced reader. These books are not simple by any stretch of the word. These novels are not always more complex than the ones on level four vocabularly-wise, but they require you to have pre-existing knowledge of other works of literature (they often make references). You need to pay close attention while reading, perhaps re-read passages multiple times. The structure of these novels is often non-linear and/or experimental. They are mostly not “realistic”, rely heavily on metaphors, symbols and signs within the text. They can be confusing at times. Often, they play with the language and experiment. The meaning of these novels is multi-layered, and interpretations can differ wildly.

Such books are:

“If on a winter’s night a traveler” by Italo Calvino

“The experiment” by the brothers Strugatzki

Almost everything by Karen Blixen (“Out of Africa” is a bit easier, though still very complex and there are many symbols in that novel, too)

Books by Jon Fosse

“The Key” by Junichiro Tanizaki

Books by Osamu Dazai

“Catherine House” by Elisabeth Thomas (okay, I was conflicted where to put this – the vocab is not that difficult, but the structure is very unclear and dream-like and it puts a lot of emphasis on symbols. Maybe it would be good to start your journey to Level 5 novels with this one, if you are not very confident in your reading abilities)

Books by Han Kang

“The futurological congress” by Stanislaw Lem

Books by Günter Grass

“The Man Outside” by Wolfgang Borchert

Books by Slavenka Draculic (specifically her novels, her essays have a different style, obviously)

Books by Sjon

Short stories by Edgar Allan Poe

Books by Vladimir Sorokin

Books by Angela Carter

“Kult” by Ljubko Deresch

Most books by Vladimir Nabokov

Tales by E.T.A. Hoffman

The differing factor between these last two levels often is the STRUCTURE of the novels. I am making this distinction because I have seen that quite a few people struggle with experimentalist/surrealist/non-linear structure.

Others of these stories have a more linear structure, yes, but require you to dig deep beneath the surface to find out the meaning of various symbols in order to interpret the story.

Also, pay attention to the language! Many of these authors, like Nabokov, play around with double-meanings, similar sounding words (homophones) and even more than one language.

I hope this guide helps. Obviously, it is not perfect, but it should give you an idea where to start and where to progress. It is important to have fun while reading, and there is no shame in jumping between the levels. But, you should challenge yourself: You are smart! You can understand difficult things! Yes, it might be hard at first, but precisely because of that you should keep trying. If you never challenge yourself, you will never get better.

I wish you all the best on your reading journey <3

[minweber]

The thing about Watchers of the Throne books is that I found them at best moderately interesting while reading through them, but have since thought about their contents much more often than such review would suggest.

It comes down, rather unsurprisingly, to the main characters. Valerian and Aleya are great! Each is interesting to read about solo and they have a great dynamic when put together... It’s a real shame then, how little of them as a duo we actually get. Makes me wish that the whole Tieron/Jek/High Lords/Terran perspective on the historic events thing - which actually is also great! - was its own separate book, while these two starred in a different, smaller scope story.

But the part that really makes me come back is how appealing I find both Valerian and Aleya as windows into mentality of their respective orders. The way they think, act and react gels really well with the way I want to see Custodes and Sisters portrayed - so much so, in fact, that it's almost a shame that both of them are presented as something of deviants within their factions.

Valerian's calm and pleasant, but somewhat detached manner is a great way to portray these nigh-immortal superhumans, I think! Competent and well-meaning, but so far removed from the humans they interact with, that they aren't capable of fully understanding some of their emotions and motivations.

One of my favorite bits of the first book is when Aleya takes her frustrations with custodians' inaction out on Valerian and accuses him of not caring about humans and their lives by mentioning her homeworld and going "Oh, I bet you've never even heard about it". Not wanting to antagonize her, Valerian doesn't object, but in his head begins to reflexively recount a whole ass wikipedia article on the place, to a level of detail that suggests that he probably knows more information about it and its history than Aleya herself. What a delicious moment! Both refuting and supporting her sentiment - clearly this sort of detached, "academic" knowledge does not infer the kind of caring she meant... but it does infer some kind of caring. Even with a magic brain of a custodian, taking time to study something, learn about it in detail, put in effort - it all implies care for the subject - possibly a huge amount of it, depending on the perspective.

And I really like that! For a setting so obsessed with trans- and post- humanism, warhammer - in my whiny opinion - doesn't seem to delve enough into the way its supposedly hyperevolved superhumans would think. More often that not the depiction of what is supposed to be this whole other mode of human existence is limited to a character being super smart while offscreen and having very hightened, operatic emotions while onscreen.

And on one hand - it is very understandable why it ends up this way. All stories we tell - be their subjects talking objects or space supersoldiers - are, at least in some way, about human condition. So distancing your characters from it may seem counterproductive to telling a good story. But on the other hand - surely there exists enough variance in this incredibly vague term to justify broader exploration and departures? I found Valerian's way of thinking and caring to be a refreshing and interesting character trait. But could it mean something more, be more relatable perhaps, to someone neurodivergent? Or just someone otherwise different from me?

What I am trying to say is that I believe that leaning into exploration of what various "modified" ways of human thinking and perception might look like, is not only worthwhile as a tool for creating better fantasy stories - but also a generally useful literally tool that can help one deepen their understanding of others.

Aleya's side of the story actually feeds into it as well, though, I believe, a bit differently. Where the entertaining thing about Valerian is often how unconscious he is of his differences from those he interacts with, Aleya overcompensates in the other direction. She seems to be very acutely aware of how her condition makes her different from regular humans, and constantly runs her perception of the world through that filter, noting that several times throughout the books how her opinions or reactions are different to those a regular human would have in the same situation.

There are the fairly objective consequences of her powers, like most humans being uncomfortable around her, or her perceiving daemons and all their activity drastically differently. But she also notes herself as being less emotional than humans (which further reading... puts in question) as well as often unable to understand their motivations (which is very much a thing that very regular humans do as well). And while entirely possible as consequences of whatever pariahs' condition in warhammer is supposed to be, it is also tempting to say that it may have much more to do with her self-perception and upbringing. And that, in turn, poses a question about the source of otherness in general - we've all felt alienated at one or another point in our lives, but how much such feeling are to be trusted? When do they come from within and when without? When do we fight them, and when do we embrace them?

Anyway, the books are fine. I am normal about them. They kill a few Minotaurs in there.

[danaty-consolation]

I don't know if you have already answered this before, so I'm sorry if that's the case, but what do you think of the ending of the manga of Urusei Yatsura/the fifth movie adaptation? Do you think that that ending truly concludes the story? I was watching the 2022 series and I... wanted spoilers for the development of Ataru and Lum's relationship so I went a little crazy, I read the synopsis for all episodes on Wikipedia, watched a couple of episodes from the 80s anime and read a few chapters of the manga. And, well, I was a little let down that it seems that they never become official? Like, from what I've read and watched, yes, their relationship seems to progress with Ataru slowly falling in love with her but it was a little disappointing to know that Ataru never really admits to his feelings, changes his "skirt-chasing" behavior or lets her know how he feels. It almost seems like the mangaka wanted to stick to the "status quo" by never letting the character dynamic between the two of them change. I don't know. What do you think? And do you think they might change that in the 2022 series or they will be sticking close to the manga?

Firstly, sorry for the wait!

Now with your question, to be honest it was pretty said and done that he admitted his feelings openly to her verbally because we all now that Ataru is more of an action guy rather than words but, here Lum wanted him to break that vow and make him say it verbally so it will come more true.

Is it stupid? Yes

Is it selfish? Yes

But the thing here is that this happens after Ataru doesn't believe her and when he gets to know he was wrong, he is still too prideful to admit it and apologize.

So she wants him to say that he loves her, to reassure her that all of they went through and lived together wasn't meaningless for him.

This was his last change to fix everything.

Being a teenager is difficult, and Lum's and Ataru's emotions are all over the place in this race.

Ataru can't even say those words. He knows that Lum will even think that he doesn't feel that way because he was pressured to say it, and he wants it to be genuine.

So when Lum forces him to say something closer and more powerful than a "I love you" it finally breaks down one of their walls.

He doesn't want to forget her, she is unforgettable to him.

And when Lum sees that he holds her horns tightly, she breaks down because that action shows that he is holding something of her close to him.

That anything coming from her is precious to him.

He showed that he loves her without verbally saying it word by word

And she knows this, that's why she hugs him....

However, we see how... He also went out to her but did not touch her horns, but hugged her tightly.

She was the one who guided his hand toward her horn, but even then, he was barely touching it, he was touching more her head.

And this part is the one you told me:

I can see the frustration because when I was younger (middle school) when I finished the Ranma 1/2 series and this one a year later I felt the same with this finale.

However, later on, I noticed that both finals made sense in their narrative.

They are still teenagers and even if they matured is not enough for them yet (This also works with Rankane because they have so many problems to fix before getting married, and they are still teenagers)

Nevertheless, after all this ordeal, we know for a fact that Ataru will be more open about what he feels for Lum later on. Literally, the whole world saw how he hugged her, he couldn't even deny it, at least about the physical part.

He won't say I love you explicitly until he matures more, but this was for sure a step forward in their relationship because here he doesn't deny that he loves her, he just won't say it for now.

After this, they will be more open, and I am pretty sure that after this, they will formally go out. Since there is nothing more to hide...

And then get married in the future because that's the only future Ataru wanted to save.

Before I close this unexpected analysis, I will be sincere about the part of Remake adding something in the final arc for them or changing something.

Honestly? They might add something small or even big, after all, we have seen how many liberties and how much closer they made Atalum in some episodes in the remake, making their bond look more comfortable and stronger. So I believe in them if they add things or make small changes, is possible with them.

[homestuckreplay]

The Time Traveler's Can Opener

(page 498-509)

8/18/2009 Wheel Spin: Character Switch Verdict: Oops, All John!

8/19/2009 Wheel Spin: being silly :3c Verdict: CORRECT (Gamer Refrigerator!)

500 pages!! I can't believe how fast these numbers are going up, I'm learning that most webcomics cap at one page a day at most, so feel genuinely lucky to get all this.

I thought John was going to get a Badass Moment where he totally owned those imps in the living room, but he totally biffed it :( but if he'd won against so many enemies so soon, the victory might have felt unearned. I am really noticing the improvement in Rose and John's Sburb abilities - their teamwork in these pages is so good, with John absconding to the study and then Rose sliding the refrigerator into the cranny so the imps can't follow. Rose has great instincts here and is in such a stressful situation herself that I can't help but give her props for her work here.

I do think dropping the safe from so high was overkill, and that destroying John's house is literally the opposite of her job right now. I also think that if the refrigerator gets one more kill it will probably out-level John and therefore take over as both the client player and the main character of our story. So the two of them both have things they still need to work on, but, reading this gives the real sense that they're making progress, and that gives the story a nice momentum.

I also LOVE how the imps, collectively, have a lot of personality. Real video games can often struggle with this, where low level enemies are mindless things to kill that leave no actual impression, but Sburb has really cracked it. The gag where the imps will replace their jester hats with any other hat or hat like object is very entertaining to me, and the fact that they're really invested in the pogo ride for some reason is curious. Most likely they just think it's fun to play with, but I like to imagine that Slimer from Ghostbusters is a god in their society.

I've been thinking recently about what wikipedia terms the 'sad clown paradox,' where comedians have an above average chance of struggling with issues like depression. It's really easy to read John and his prankster's gambit through this lens, but part of me wants to read John's whole house through the lens. From its multiple generations of inhabitants to its decor to its new invasive species, it feels like the essence of the clown is infused throughout this ultimately sad and lonely house.

Under the safe in John's dad's study is a captchalogue card and a note taped to the wall. Inside the safe is another, scuffed up copy of Colonel Sassacre, along with some old papers and an unidentified grey object in the back. I don't know what I expected to be in here, either money or an authentic Joseph Grimaldi jacket, but it seems like the Sassacre book is a really important heirloom that each person in the Egbert family gets to own. I'll probably speculate some more on why Dad wants to save these items specifically once we've seen the papers.

From the antiquated politeness of the new commands, I figured the Wayward Vagabond had read the human etiquette book, but I did not know they'd eaten it. It seems counterproductive to eat information that might be helpful. Unless that's how their species learns and retains things, in which case, great work and it's clearly paying off. Kind of sucks how the author of the etiquette book is British though.

Even now the Vagabond is being polite, it seems really dangerous to have these commands coming to John from an outsider, given how he loses all awareness of his surroundings when he's being commanded like this. But given the logo on the outside, the computer and bunker the Vagabond inhabits were built by someone, for some intended function. So what's the deal? Is the system of giving commands built into Sburb or not? Is there somebody else more competent who is intended to use this command panel, and the Vagabond has stolen their place somehow? Does Sburb really feel like it needs to mind control its players directly? Is the game going to get so difficult and complicated that this is the only way to win? The Vagabond doesn't seem like they have a goal with John beyond obtaining a can opener, but what will happen if whoever's supposed to be using this computer shows up?

[queer-in-a-cornfield]

🍄, 🔪, 🎨 for the truth or dare ask game

🍄: Share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

I feel like Dewey and Wakko would have been the first to bond between the Warners and Ducks (assuming they’re in the same universe) but would’ve been the last to realize they actually like each other (also fun fact I crave Dewkko content sm yall but there’s almost nothing 😭)

🔪: What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

For my Rottmnt separated au I have had to Google many things such as “inside of a post office”. I’ve also made up multiple entire towns so I’ve spent a while researching for those as well. Nothing super weird though.

Scratch all that- I read the entire rigor mortis Wikipedia article once for a fic as well as asked my friend about how bad a concussion would be need to be to be fatal

🎨: Link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

Oh I’m so bad at picking favorites so I’m just gonna show off a couple of ones I really like

This one by @georgiarose, I love her artstyle, I love Huoyd, I love boba, and it gave me fic inspiration. All around lovely piece of art.

This one by @secret-tester is just instant dopamine, I love it so much. (You did so good redesigning them, thank you tester)

And this one by @rein-reeee . Gorgeous art and great message all in one 🇵🇸

[licncourt]

Have you read TVA and Blood and Gold? I would LOVE your rundown on all the historical inaccuracies in BaG.

Unfortunately yes, I have read those with my eyes :/

(the Marius/Armand pederasty conversation I've been meaning to have for like a year below the cut btw)

I wish I hadn't read B&G so young, I didn't have the breadth of knowledge or the foresight to mark anything for later when I was sixteen. I'd reread it for this exact analysis but really I don't think I have it in me so memory and ctrl + f to confirm will have to suffice.

Honestly, the biggest problem I had with it wasn't inaccuracies so much as the fact that the whole book reads like a Wikipedia entry. It's so clumsy and dry, it feels like AR just wants us to know how many Roman Facts she learned. It overshadows the story rather than adds to it. Fr, read this (if you can stand it).

There was not one reason in the world that she needed to explain the Battle of the Milvian Bridge in that level of detail, and that's coming from me. This sounds like a bad undergrad paper from a student who wants to prove they did the reading.

The whole book feels like this except when it detours into creepy and pedophilic, and I just don't need my vampire book to explain the Council of Nicaea AND the Edict of Milan AND the Parthian Wars AND the Vatican wall frescoes AND the Medici bank and a million other things to me like I'm in a survey lecture. It's mind-numbing for me and this is literally what I DO, so I can only imagine how other people must feel with no context or particular interest in this stuff.

It's not that she's WRONG per say, it's more that she clearly has no understanding of these subjects outside the rote recitation of facts. It's just regurgitated bullet points about Roman history and the Italian Renaissance. She also repeats some well known apocryphal stories in there, but I'm going to be generous and hope she doesn't think these are facts (like the Chi-Rho epiphany).

If anything seems sus and I don't remember it though, feel free to send it to me and I can yay or nay the information to the best of my ability!

*cw here for discussion of CSA*

With that said, I do think AR had a very skewed understanding of the pederastic dynamic or was choosing to ignore it, which is unfortunate considering how attached she was to the idea. A lot of my thesis research coincided with Greco-Roman pederastic tradition, so it's a pet peeve of mine when it's misapplied. It's not an uncommon problem (Call Me By Your Name has this going on too), but authors sending gay relationships with a rapey age gap through a "pederasty" funnel always pisses me off.

The history of pederasty is very long and complicated and ancient (we're talking Homer and Iliad kind of old here), but the bare bones explanation of the process and logic is this:

The ancient Greeks were deeply invested in turning their upper class boys into good citizens. To accomplish this, sometimes an established adult man would woo a younger male (most often starting at 14-19 years old) with gifts and attention over an extended period of time. Once the courtship was complete and the boy's self control had been proven, there were sexual relations between the two for a period of time.

The purpose of this relationship was ultimately to educate the boy, and the physical pleasure was used as a teaching tool to establish rapport and intimacy that could then be escalated to instruction on matters of philosophy and intellect in general. Essentially using the mastery and maturation of one's body as a stepping stone to the mastery and maturation of the mind. Once the boy was appropriately prepared to enter elite male society and/or had become physically developed as a man, the relationship ended.

It's pretty obvious that she's trying to do a whole pederastic erastes/eromenos thing with Marius and Armand, but she took an already very bad and gross practice from history and muddled it up with her own awful ideas about consent from minors and sexual fantasies of a kinky student/teacher savior relationship in her vampire books.

I hate the erotic and romanticized version of pederasty that's become weirdly popular in gay media, and AR was one of the first to really do this. It just picks up the historical thread of CSA under the guise of a kid's "consent" and continues to normalize it to modern readers with a new sexy twist. Using a bastardized version of a fucked up ancient practice to implicitly justify or downplay the severity of statutory rape is simply not the move, especially when gay and bisexual men already face stigma around being predatory and pedophilic. Just don't.

[joesmemes]

THINGS SAID IN THE GROUP CHAT SENTENCE STARTERS

Assembled by @sheenathehyena.

I gave you a beach house now be normal

It's just so fucking ridiculous it circles back around to being poignant

I'm fine but what an inconsiderate toolbox

the fucking white boi who is trying to "find himself" that you meet all of once at the beginning

Yeah you want me to shoot my baby batter all over you cover you with almost - children

YOUR PLANET'S HOPE IS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG'S TRANS ASSHOLE

Not sure how to feel about talking to actual fucking yakuza members for entertainment purposes

On a scale of Balan Wonderworld to Silent Hill, how are you dealing with your trauma?

Roses are red, violets are blue, singular they is older than singular you

Concerned Ape noises

You ever think about the fact that [name] really said "the birds work for the bourgeoisie" & they were right

My patience for slipping over improperly spilled blood has run out.

If you can see the bones of your whipped pupil, you failed.

You know the healer's oath: Only do moderate harm to those who cross you.

Man I don't know if lack of shame is a blessing or a curse.

Parsooth m'lady but would you be so kind as to partake of the exquisite past time of role playing?

So they aren't DENYING the piss kink

uhm you need to be more of a doormat…..your boundaries are making me uncomfy 😦

That's HARLEQUIN NOVEL descriptors of sex

where is my mouse arrow? where is it holy fuck

fetishize urself ig

It's always people with feet fetishes or fat fetishes that be so open about it

Look at this unhinged mother fucker

Fuck you I hope your pice of shit family burn in a dumpster fire

Sorry you had to overshare about a tough time with some random chick in school but it's not relavent to my cat at all.

We're at a sword store and it's full of exactly what you'd expect.

Nobody was reading Lemony Snicket going "teehee they made Count Olaf bitch sauce"

Wikipedia I love you but your donation pleas sound like a lying teenager begging for money online

There's no right way to look at the guy that tossed his baby off a cliff and say "I think he needs to look cool for a minute there" is all I'm saying

Okay, wonderful. GREAT, take them all. Please leave immediately

one time I ran a server and I was being weird so I changed literally everyone's nickname to Frank

AKGHDLK I'm gonna SOB they asked if they could share their ticklefics

heavy meals always make me HONK MIMIMIMIMI

I found a fucking book of Mormon lmafo

lemme go take a dump and ill set it up

THREE. THREE TIMES. HE'S BEEN ARRESTED FOR INSIDER TRADEING THREE FUCKING TIMES.

tell her it was you who farted, establish dominance

I have been hoarding vidya games for the three of us to play like a dragon

Nearly had a heart attack because I was poopin and saw blood but realized it was my period

Ok we need to get a big cardboard box and a vaguely feminine scarecrow dressed as a boyfriendless girl

Puts my head in your lap like a cat

Some Filipinos wanna buy your titty mousepads

the chris chan trials are about to be the depp vs heard trial for people who had unrestricted internet access at a young age

Now u will screenshot us talking shit and put it in the callout 😭

GUYS I NEED PROOF THAT [name] IS GAY TO STICK IT TO A 19 YEAR OLD ALT RIGHT IDIOT

🙂 our fursona is gonna b friends with sonic

I both love and hate [name]’s writing. How they go from ancient purple prose to “oh shit oh fuck”

i guess you could say…. this was a triumph

[thescentofrainonstone]

On Class in Britain and why the same kind of actor ends up getting our panties in a twist (see Hiddleston, Cumberbatch, Goode, etc...)

Isn't it peculiar that all this adoration and fandoms tend to be about white-cis mostly het (thought admittedly that's the more laxed of attributes) able thin, tall, pale but most importantly coming from riches guys?

You look at a Tom Hiddleston and his first headshots and roles and the wonder has got to be there: "how much time and means were available to him to get his degree from Oxbridge and then decide to do another entire BA on top of it at RADA?"

Admittedly he gets off easy going back historically("just" baronets in his line) when in his league we have Benedict Cumberbatch, whose existence is literally dependant on the slavery his direct ancestors built their empire on in Barbados, and were paid compensation when the end of slavery came to England. Finally his Wikipedia has a full description of this even though when I worked on the essay that took the Downton Abbey series and films as examples of the inhumane social divide the UK depends upon, it was all incredibly well swept under virtual rugs with a vague quote from Mother Cumberbatch advising her son to change his surname in case "they come after you for money" where money stands for "reparations" and considering the luxury of an arts career like the last few Cumberbatches have had is something intrinsically entrenched in wealth and privilege makes perfect sense if you ask me. A councillor in New York carries the same surname and she is Black. Slaves carried the surname of those who owned them.

Let that sink in: there is currently a commissiomer (and Professor at Columbia) in New York who carries the Cumberbatch surname because they are a direct descendant of the Slaves the Cumberbatches owned and owe their fortune to. Stacey Cumberbatch.

So yeah, when people think the UK is not the US, they Invented class and the divide that come with it. It is so crucial to come from a family that can afford you connections and the luxury to work for nothing while never risking bills or rent going unpaid.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is: it's ok for all the fandoms to salivate over anyone, I just think it's important we know why the media propels in front of our eyes the same prototype of Englishman over and over, and perpetrates the production of new pieces of media that casually seem naturally meant for white, rich, het passing people.

The system works like a bottleneck for privilege and I think the SAG-AFTRA strikes also show that: everyone that had some privilege and didn't do anything to average out the system will see their own reduced over time until only the tip of the top remains. And "eat the rich" is going to be another post but you get the gist.

That is to say, next time I go to Insole Court (the Victorian house where a Lot of A Discovery of Witches was filmed, including Matthew's "rooms at Oxford") will I touch every single book of the reading room because likely I will have touched something Matthew Goode touched when he was there filming? Sure.

I also do know that house was paid for by coal miners who actually died in a tragedy in the mines owned by the Insole family and that admittedly I find the only decent way to keep real estate built with the blood of people can just be that: give that back to the people.

It's about educated choices, that's what I'm trying to say.

Fun fact: I started watching a discovery of witches because after filming the essay at Insole Court, wanting to bring down the bourgeoisie, I learned the show was also filmed there. So i went and found it and now I have another white, pale, lanky, English twink to lose sleep over just because he's been given a character created by the mind of a woman who dreams enough, possibly because unfulfilled in some part of her life -because when we're happy we go out, we don't vomit pages over pages let's be honest -.

If none of those elegant white British men who embody the characters we love come from a program that allowed them to raise from the working class... or are anything but white or adhering to a white-er standard (Rege- Jean Page is the quintessential example of this, better than nothing but still, my point)...Maybe we should ask ourselves why, and how is that ok.

Just a random though on a day I wanted to go back to Insole Court for the aforesaid reason.

[dollarbin]

Sandy Saturday's #13:

Pass of Arms

I'll bet there are already far more words written about T. Swift's new record than in all of the Mahabharata (that's the Hindu holy book that contains the Bhagavad Gita; it's around 13,000 pages long).

The opposite can be said for Pass of Arms, a 1971 half hour film that contains two stand alone Sandy Denny songs. The film does not have a Wikipedia page and is not available in any form anywhere as near as I can tell: it exists but you literally cannot watch it.

Having a Wikipedia page is a pretty low bar. Without knowing, I bet there are extensive ones dedicated to Chewbacca's family tree and Joe Biden's dog. I'm right on both counts of course: I just looked.

But google to your hearts content: the internet confirms that the short film existed, that it claimed to be "award winning", and that a guy who worked marginally on the 80's buddy flick Spies Like Us, in which I seem to remember that Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase save the world from nuclear destruction while failing to make us laugh, directed it; and that's it.

Happily, we can still hear the songs at least, something I've never done with any real focus until this moment. Let's start with Here in Silence.

Okay, I'm digging it so far. I picture a knight in his pensive non-warrior boy clothes looking longingly at his maiden, fall grass billowing between them in slow motion; but then that scene gives way to that same knight, now in full armor, gearing up for gnarly battle and then we realize this is actually a film about the Children's Crusade, or maybe it's all a chunky metaphor and it's actually about angsty and hirsute teens in jolly old 70's England: they're looking to stick to the man, or bloke I guess - this is England - and, well, maybe there's a reason no one other than me is angry they can't watch this film anymore because this song, which Denny clearly did not write, kinda sucks. Sandy sounds glorious, as always, but I'd rather hear her sing The Wheels On The Bus.

Have some faith though, people. We've got the marginally more famous Man of Iron track left to consider. I've definitely heard this one before, but I can remember nothing about it other than the fact that it's really long and moody with strings. Here goes!

Yeah, those are strings alright. Today the students at my tiny high school were all bent out of shape - it's Spring and everyone's either breaking up, thinking about it or striving to create similar drama in their life asap, so I led a full school game of musical chairs on the basketball court and declared in advance that I would win at all costs. I did not win but I shoved a bunch of giant teen boys aside in the effort and everyone laughed at their weird teacher and got into it.

We're a pretty cool school so one of our tenth graders, who's already a semi-professional cellist, played whatever came into his head for each round, which sure beat dancing around the chairs while T. sang 65 new songs about her loser boyfriends or whatever. My student's cello sounded, some of the time, a bit like the vibe that starts the track, only better. Then for the next round he'd play Mozart at triple speed.

But now there's a whole mess of fifes involved and this thing is starting to sound silly. Bring in Sandy Denny soon, please.

Oh thank the sensitive medieval Jesus who probably repeatedly appears to the lead character in this film swathed in psychedelic splendor: here's Sandy, and she's brought a whole pack of Cinderella's helpful birds with her to twitter about, somewhat helpfully.

But these lyrics are unbearable. When I was in seventh grade I committed the cardinal sin of writing an earnest original poem about "the roller coaster of life" and then turned it in to my earnest, no clue teacher who of course then read it to the whole class while on the verge of tears - someone had finally attempted something, anything, of marginal note in his earnest but lousy class - which turned my pimply face red, then white, then putrescent purple with shame as the other 13 year olds around me murmured then moved on to mirth and then on to all out rage: never would I be forgiven for writing sensitive poetry in earnest. Jeff Stimpfig, the school's stock character bully, declared me both gay (it was 1989; "gay" equaled uncool and homophobia equaled cool; what a dumb world...) and soon to be dead through his potent fists. Anyway, my seventh grade poem was surely terrible. But it contained far fewer cliches than this claptrap.

Was this end you chose Sir Knight?

Was this why you were born so bright?

The wolves will chew your bones tonight...

Sandy clearly needed a sizeable offered payday to have ever uttered these words; Trevor Lucas, or perhaps Stephen Stills, surely talked her into the whole gig. The guitar is nice though... I wonder if Sandy plays it. Sounds like her...

But good grief, now we've got a stomach churning drum thing going on. I'm starting to think this whole film may have been a Stephen Stills vanity project: it probably centers on Stills's broriffic relationship with Joe Freakin' Lala; they're on a quest to no longer suck and it's going nowhere fast as their stuck in a room of lemons, all of them worth sucking, and buxom ladies who admire them for no discernible reason whatsoever; and then, at the end of the film / this terrible song, aliens in sunglasses descend and take Steve and Joe to their leader for an extraterrestrial blues jam complete with wolves and low production value fake wind. Clearly, they didn't have Neil Young's budget for fake wind: he's got a huge budget when it comes to producing fake wind.

I'm guessing that Sandy's estate is responsible for insuring this film can no longer be seen by anyone. Indeed, The Dollar Bin itself may soon be hacked so as to eliminated this entire post one conniving letter at a time in their nefarious quest to separate Denny from any observable connection to the film Pass of A....

[nickeverdeen]

hi! how are you? are you still doing match-ups for harry potter? i would prefer a male match up, please. if not and you no longer doing matchups then you can delete this and I'm sorry to bother you.

appearance: she/her. i'm 5'3 and a bit chubby. i have a strong southern accent. i have mid-length light brown hair with blonde highlights and blue eyes. i wear glasses and i have faint freckles that really come out during the summertime (my fav season). i have little scars all over me from my love of being outside and my cat. i love doing my skincare/hygiene things, it gives me such serotonin. my fingernails are always painted bright colors. i always have a scrunchie on my wrist. i love jewelry, especially necklaces so i am almost always wearing a necklace of some sort. i don't know how to put my style into words so here are a few pics i found of my style:

personality: i am argumentative, sassy, sarcastic, and opinionated. i am also kind, almost to a fault because i can literally not be mean. no matter how much a person gets on my nerves, and they do, very much, i just cannot be mean. i blame my parents. i love to learn everything except for math, i have dyscalculia (which is a learning disability in math, it's sort of like dyslexia but math). but i love everything else, especially history and english. i am a huge bookworm, my favorite genres are fantasy and greek mythology. i love playing my own therapist and finding out why i do things. i am a very curious person so my google history is very strange and i fall into Wikipedia rabbit holes very easily. i am a very emotional person but i hate crying in front of people, i like to cry by myself and then be comforted. i am observant and i learn a lot from watching those around me. i am quiet until you get to know me, then i won't shut up. i am very sentimental and if you give me anything, card, sticky note, whatever, I'm keeping it. i write letters to get my emotion's out a lot but never send them.

random facts: i love music, my favorite artists are taylor swift and alec benjamin but i also love classical music and lofi. my favorite band is 5sos. i want to learn to play the keyboard and guitar. i am obsessed with photography. i love being outside.

have a great day!

Of course I still do match ups!

Btw you look amazing!!!

Your Harry Potter match is…

Cedric Diggory

Cedric loves your accent

He definetly buys you some jewelry like rings or necklaces

You can’t be mean? He’s gonna be mean for you if it’s really a case

Cedric is very protective towards you and if someone is making you uncomfortable, he’s most likely to confort them about their actions

Complimenting you 24/7

To him you’re the most intelligent person in the whole world

He doesn’t know what Math is, but after you’d show him, he definetly wouldn’t like it nor understand it

“I’m sorry princess, but fuck Math, it’s so stupid”

Cedric doesn’t read much, but he’d love to listen to you telling him what’s going on or what happened in your book

Jokes about Greek Mythology

As much as it hurts Cedric, he is letting you crying by yourself if that’s what you need, but expect a huge comfort from his side later

Hands holding

Cedric loves to talk to people and if you’d later tell him what you learned from observing others, he’d be shocked and suprised that you read so easily in people

Gives you his scarf in winter so you wouldn’t get cold

Only if you’d want the scarf of course

Walking dates

Cedric is 6’1 and you’re 5’3 so expect a LOT of joking about your height

Takes you out to sit near the lake or just somewhere quiet

Sometimes he’d just play some of your favourite songs and dance with you in your or his dorm

Hates it when others talk shit about you

Cedric is VERY supportive

————————————————————

[woozapooza]

Ok so David Chase is an extremely cynical writer don't get me wrong, but I do think the whole point of the sixth season with Tony making a half-hearted effort at change is to make it clear that these people CAN change (w/t very few actually succeeding like Carmine Jr and Paulie making amends with his mother and generally being a little less 'Paulie' after his cancer scare), its very hard and requires quite a lot of effort esp when the environment doesn't allow for it but its possible, so it's not that he wrote characters that Can't change, it's that they Chose not to, I also think that while Don't Stop Believing is a little tongue in cheek, in many ways its also wholly sincere (he has said this) and that love is all we have, so your reading of that final scene is actually a lot closer to what he wanted people to take away from it than those who obsess over whether Tony dies or not (there's also the fact that generation to generation, there was incremental but significant change, AJ and Meadow will never be completely cut off from the mafia, but AJ will also never kill anyone and Mead will have a lot more autonomy than Carm did and that's largely thanks to their parents (esp Carm) regardless of their many failings)

Yes!!! I fully agree. I felt SO vindicated when I read these comments from Chase on the wikipedia page about Made in America:

"A.J.'s not going to be citizen-soldier or help the world; he'll probably be a low-level movie producer. But he's not going to be a killer like his father, is he? Meadow may not be a pediatrician or a lawyer, but she's not going to be a housewife. She'll learn to operate in the world in ways Carmela never did. Tiny, little bits of progress—that's how it works."

"The ceiling I was going for was "don't stop believing". It [is] very simple and on the nose. That's what I wanted people to believe. There are attachments we make that are worth so much and we're lucky to have been able to experience them. Life is short. Either [Tony dies] here or some other time. But in spite of that, it's really worth it. So don't stop believing."

Like, even if he had said something that fully contradicted my interpretation of the episode/show, that wouldn't stop me from believing (hehe) my interpretation, but it's very gratifying to know that this is how he intended it to be read. I've seen people claim that AJ and Meadow are basically trapped, unable to transcend the lives of their parents, but like you said and like he said, that's literally not true! They are not their parents, and that counts for something.

And I said this already in this post, but I want to reiterate that IMO the little moments of decency count for something, too! Paulie's reconciliation (if you can call it that) with his mother is the perfect example of that. For all the horrible things Paulie has done, including to Nucci, she died knowing that he loved and appreciated her, even though he was too emotionally immature to express it in any other way than sitting next to her on the couch in silence, and that counts for something. God, I'm getting teary just writing this. I love this show. I love these horrible people.

Oh and also, side note, this perspective is why it bothers me so much when people act like Melfi was an idiot for seeing any good in Tony and believing that he was worth her time. She may have overestimated how much good was in him, she may have been naive to think that she could basically treat him like a normal patient, but she was absolutely not wrong to see his potential, and if all their time together was a waste (which I don't think it was, but just for the sake of argument), that's his fault, not hers. He isn't predestined to be Like That forever. He has choices. They all do!

[altschmerzes]

ARTEMIS FOUL????? I NEVER WATCHED IT BUT I DO REMEMBER THAT THEY MARKETED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT MOVIE AT MY LOCAL THEATRE AND I HAD NO IDEA WHY BECAUSE ALL I HEARD ABOUT IT WERE BAD THINGS 💀 ALSO I AM VERY POLITELY ASKING FOR THE FOUR PARAGRAPH LAMENT AND ANALYSIS, I THINK IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO HEAR FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THE BOOKS WELL

OKAY CRACKS KNUCKLES LETS GO-

anon. i am so happy you never experienced this. it was so bad. it was so fucking bad. to quote the wikipedia page "The film received negative reviews from critics, who criticized the film's plot, dialogue, characters, visual effects, and changes made to the source material." which is fucking hysterical because as you can see, that is in fact..... all of it. the whole movie. that is all of the things about the movie! and boy was this prescient of the experience i was about to have.

so, without further ado, here is my rant as an Artemis Fowl Lover Of Many Many Years on what was insanely, profoundly, hideously wrong with that movie. under a cut for the wellbeing of my dash bc this is uhhhhh a LOT more than four paragraphs i'm so sorry. i still have so much more i could say but. i'll leave it at this. which is already a lot.

THE OPENING & PLOT

literally right from the very opening it was just..... bad. it was very bad. it started with this news blitz of like, clips of reporters talking about some mysterious big drama, and it was the. weirdest possible tone. to start this story from? it was weird and bad. every character's introduction was weird and bad. butler's actor was wearing fucking irradiated blue contact lenses for some fucking reason. artemis was surfing. what is going on here.

so here are some wild choices they made: artemis's mom? dead. artemis's dad? PRESENT AND ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN HIS LIFE. he is a leather jacket wearing, affectionate, involved Cool Dad who just has to go on a lot of work trips. friends, those of you who read these books will remember that the situation is that artemis's father has been gone for like Two Years, and artemis's mother is......... basically comatose in her room. she is very much not doing any parenting. this is the specific collection of factors that lets the whole plot happen, because it leaves artemis without any supervision or parenting, and also just enough like. cover for the plot to allow this to keep happening, because artemis iirc goes to great lengths to cover up his mom's like. catatonia.

i didn't watch most of the movie. i watched less than nineteen minutes of it. so i can't say much about the plot, but this setup of like........... COOL STUNTS and mulch diggums being interviewed by the human-ass police and artemis's dad teaching him about the faeries because they're Bonding (???????) and there's a basement of faerie artifacts in fowl manor it just. i don't. why would you do this.

ARTEMIS HIMSELF

oh my gd. they massacred my boy- like. okay. listen. i was listening to a wonderful podcast - it's called the shrieking shack, i highly recommend it, and it's a podcast by and for, quote "lapsed h/arry pott/er fans" and the hosts are great, it's well edited, it's a wonderful, hilarious read. in one episode i was just listening to, artemis fowl came up! the host liz was saying that she was just generally fed up with and burnt out on the 'boy genius' genre as a whole, which is fair. i respect that and i vibe with it. however, she didn't recall anything from the actual books themselves, which became clear, because her cohost, xeecee, sort of cut in to correct that like. actually, these books were a pretty effective and highly specific deconstruction of the Cool Boy Genius Genre.

artemis is smart as all hell, that's true. he's incredibly smart. however, he's also a smug, irritating, irresponsible little shit who makes bad choices, and the narrative and other characters are not easy on him for this. he's not supposed to. he's not cool, or smooth, or admirable, or whatever. he's just... a shitty baby with no supervision, entirely too much money, yes too smart for his own good, but making bad decisions and seeing consequences for those decisions and having to grapple with like. the way those bad decisions have consequences for other people too. and the movie....... un-subverted that. they ruined it entirely, because actually yes, in that film we are directly supposed to think artemis is Really Cool! we're introduced to him SURFING for fuck's sake. artemis fowl. introduced to us SURFING.

and then there's like......... the introduction, the first couple of MINUTES of this movie. like within the first three or so minutes. they torpedoed any chance i would have at taking this seriously as an adaptation of artemis fowl.

and so what really struck me very quickly as Extremely Wrong is that - and this is something that as an adult particularly reflecting on this makes me profoundly fucking sad - but he's too..... happy. in the first several minutes. he's happy. he's having fun. he's relaxed, he's a kid. that's not........ he's not like that in the books. he's not happy. he's not running around grinning because golly gee gosh does he love being in the outdoors in ireland!!!!! he's severe, and intense, and focused and we see him smug, and self-satisfied, and proud, and like. excited in an intellectual, aha what a clue kind of way, but he is not happy. and he specifically isn't relaxed and like- bouncy-happy the way he is in the first several minutes here. this movie so thoroughly misses the mark that it misses one of the most acute pieces of like. pathos? in these books? which is that artemis himself is a really fucking tragic character. like yeah, he's a shitty baby and he sucks, but that's 1. the point, and 2. he is a Child who didn't have a chance in hell of actually being one.

i think we get to see him like. shed that a bit, later on, and actually have some moments where he is happy. but it's so like........... it takes a longass time and it's extremely hard-won, from a reader's perspective. when we see him crack and act like a kid, it's huge. it's extremely emotionally affecting. so to have his introduction not only involve SURFING but artemis grinning and bouncing around and doing sick skateboard trips..... no. that's not...... no. at this point the protagonist is unrecognizable, and why are you doing an adaptation. just make a different movie.

BUTLER

in his introductory sequence, the narrative says he is never to be called The Butler, even though his last name IS butler, and "you could call him 'dom' or 'domovoi'" which...... lmfao. fuck off. you could resoundingly NOT call him that, that was in fact a major plot point. twice. this really, really fucking bothered me, because like..... that is specifically a character thing that i really really liked from the books, the whole thing about butler's first name. and the thing they did with artemis's parents, with his mom being dead and his dad just sort of Being Here As An Active Presence like. completely undermined the whole...... thing, with artemis and butler. butler was his father figure, but neither of them could really..... they were both kept at arm's length from this for a very long time, because butler was employed by the fowl family and artemis is like. so fucking emotionally repressed that he is practically made of stone. like...

one of the reasons that butler was a character i was always pretty fascinated by as an adult who like, pretty seriously failed artemis but also couldn't really have done any better because of the specific combination of factors that landed both of them where they were in life. and the emotional core of their relationship was something i was obsessed with as a kid who was just getting super into Found Family As A Trope. and the whole thing where like....... one of THE major cracks we see in artemis's persona, the biggest CONSEQUENCES that he sees is when he makes a mistake, he gets outplayed, and butler is fatally shot. he's devastated, he's terrified, and it's his fault. someone he loved - whether or not he could contextualize it like that - was going to die and it was his fault. and that scene of him dealing with this, and making this plan to save him and needing to move butler to the restaurant freezer and being too small to move him effectively was like.... man that hit so hard. and none of that hits without this deliberate distance that's represented by the fact that not only does artemis not refer to butler by his first name, he does not fucking know what it is.

and then in this movie the first line that artemis says to butler addresses him directly as "dom" and i- no. i think i actually said "fuck off" out loud. because come on.

THE UH. CASTING CHOICES. THEY MADE. HOO BOY.

so i didn't get to meet either of them in the movie and this was for the best, but boy did they ever make some casting choices with root and holly.

i love dame judi dench, i love the THOUGHT of her playing root, but like.......... of all the characters you could genderbend, literally pick any of them but that one. any of them. at all. personally? i think it'd be fucking great to make mulch a woman, or trouble kelp. i personally, for my own enjoyment, would fucking LOVE to see a Cool Butch Lady Trouble Kelp. bruh. PLEASE. but........ root?????? genderbending that character specifically undermines the entire Deal with him and holly. because the fact that root was a kinda shitty older man who had to pull his head out of his ass was THE POINT. but uh. not like they got into that i guess, given what i heard they did with holly. who, speaking of-

and casting a kid to play holly? no. no. fuck off. she is a grown-ass adult woman. i'm not even gonna get into this. it's so bad. why the fuck would you do that. that's probably what actually got me to bail because i thought i'd like, hallucinated that or something but my buddy confirmed that no, she was played by A CHILD. good lord. no.

[leffee]

I’d love nothing more then to hear More lps head cannons! Whenever you get the chance!

Wait, now I wonder if it's the same darling anon who sends me those asks or maybe I have two or more. I mean, I have 4 asks regarding lps now, so just wondering. Either way, I'm beyond happy and thank you for enabling my addiction :>.

As always, most of those are for that Human!Au but feel free to imagine them as anything you want to if it fits. Also, I'll try to be normal and focus more on other characters besides Vinnie. I love them all but he's just-he's just ugggh. Anyway:

ok, so first of all, it's not really a headcanon but imagine all 7 of them lovelies in a poly, thank you, let's continue

literally none of the little shits workout besides Zoe, you know, she is a model. She jogs mostly. Some of them tried working out but gave up quickly

from the shortest to tallest they go like this: Russell/Vinnie (no one knows which one of them is taller), Minka, Pepper, Zoe (I imagine these two are almost the same height and I keep changing which one is taller so don't think too much about it), Penny (There's quite a big gap between her and Zoe or alternatively Pepper), Sunil

somehow only two of them have siblings and those two are Zoe and Vinnie (Zoe has Gail obviously, and Vinnie's sister lays solely in my headcanon) Also, maybe Penny? It's not estabilished in my head but I can totally see her having at least 3 siblings

okay, this is actually factual as far as I understand. So when lizards lose their tail they also lose the energy stored in there so yeah, Vinnie gets tired after that (Yes, I have in fact read a whole wikipedia about geckos)

cursing scale bc why not: both Pepper and Vinnie curse on a daily basis, not that much to be obscene or anything, but pretty much daily, then there's Zoe and Sunil who curse every now and then usually when there's a good occasion to, Minka and Penny rarely but they do, good sitauation required, Russell almost never but it happens

ok, now this is a headcanon in a headcanon. Vinnie firmly believes that Sunil is just as, if not smarter than Russell, and that others just don't pay that much attention to it because their first association with Sunil isn't usually that intelligence, but something else. While with Russell it's the other way around, when asked about him being smart is usally first or second characteristisc others associate with him

speaking of Russell, his mother is long dead and he only lives with/has his dad (I guess this technically can be considered canon? Eh. Praise Jerry.)

actually, three of them live with only one parent, Russell, Minka, and Vinnie. Russell and Minka with their dads and Vinnie with his mom

they all can be such assholes sometime lmao

That shall be the end for now, mainly because I have another ask about general lps headcanons so I want to leave something for it :D. Also, for the future reference, unless you don't care, lemme know whether you lovelies want pets' headcanons, humans, or maybe something else.