#i just need to feel something
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I want to read a Jegulus fic, but a sad one.
I want to cry until I can't breathe, to choke with tears blinding me, to vomit from pain and sadness, but no one dies.
It's just them being a big, sad tragedy because that's what they are, even before they die. I want a canon divergent fic, where they are the tragedy they're supposed to be, but none of them die.
#i like pain#i just need to feel something#jegulus#starchaser#regulus x james#james x regulus#james potter#regulus black#marauders#marauders era#dead gay wizards#harry potter#ao3#fanfic#fanfiction
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Things I need right now: to be covered in blood and fucked stupid.
Kay, thanks!
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Okay I don't usually post but I need help finding that one Jamilton fic. I've been trying to find it for several days because I want to reread it but I forgot the title. 😭 Anyways the plot was Thomas and Alexander are fuck buddies because they have unrequited crushes and they settle on this arrangement where they basically used each other because Alexander thinks of G. Wash when hes having sex with Thomas and Thomas thinks of James Mads when hes with Alexander and it's this whole thing where their feelings becomes more than just pretend and it's a lot of angst NSJWJEHWIWSN I NEED TO FIND IT SOMEONE HELP ME 😭
#hamilton musical#jamilton fics#jamilton#I just need to feel something#that fic was the first jamilton fic ive ever read lol#hamilton#alexander hamilton#all i can remember about the title was that it starts with a W#help
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My friends, I challenge you. I feel like shit right now. I’m eyeball deep in family drama, I’m in pretty consistent pain, and I’m more exhausted than I’ve been in a very long time.
But then I see people around me who are going through things that are even worse. People who don’t even have a family to have drama with. People so exhausted they’re falling asleep where they sit or stand on the street.
Sitting in my car thinking about how fortunate I am to have this vehicle, even though it took an eternity to finally have a good enough circumstance to get one. How fortunate I am to have even one person (my love) who loves me unconditionally that can help me when things get bad. That I have two sweet boys waiting for me at home, and a pantry full of food and apartment full of things to amuse me.
I don’t have flowery prose for this. I feel like shit, but others feel even shittier. Maybe helping others is the best thing I can do right now. Maybe focusing on other people and their needs (not in the doormat way, but in a charity way) is something I and others need to do right now to get out of our funks. To feel like we can do SOMETHING in our life that feels out of control. Something that might actually do some good.
The Good Place podcast always ended with “Go do something good.” I believe in that so much that I have a sticker on the back of my car that says it. But I realize I haven’t done anything good for others for a while. At least, not anyone that isn’t close to me.
So, friends… if you have the spoons… Go do something good. And don’t get caught! Good deeds need no fanfare for them to make a difference to someone else. <3
#help others#go do something good#charity#I guess I’m feeling philosophical#idk#I just need to feel something#and if I can help someone else in the process#that is even better#personal#Dani muses
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Missing them extra hard rn
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man something about art school just makes you wanna experience the horrors i guess
#bat rambles#ive been rewatching wendigoons faith vid to fall asleep#and just watched the entire mandela catalogue#all that with my pathologic obsession#i just need to feel something
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I so desperately need some kind of emotional release, but I’m in one of those phases where my meds won’t let me cry, and I don’t know what else to do.
#emily rambles#i just need to feel something#i know i make bad decisions when i get like this and i’m trying to avoid it
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she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.
my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.
my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.
my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.
at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.
my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.
i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.
two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.
it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.
#writeblr#wlw#i often think about like.....#being happy in a gay relationship is sometimes so odd#bc u can forget how stupid ppl are.#bc ur so USED to being gay. and u forget other people GENUINELY ARE homophobic#so it's like. girl pardon?????#but also there are moments where it's like. ohhh the kids are alright#like watching someone razz someone else.... so fucking wholesome#“lemme get this bitche's pronouns before i make gentle fun of them” .... i would have KILLED for that.#THAT is how u know ur accepted#not just tolerated#..... when ppl are like. sure ur nonbinary congrats but WHAT is this fucking sunscreen application#ps idk if "razz'' is a real word but someone asked what it means -#i've always heard it as being a term for 'gentle & friendly teasing'' which like#i personally notice more from my guy friends but is like - when a person isn't#LIKE ACTUALLY teasing u (it's nothing personal/mean) they're just laughing w/you about something#my friends often put on a little voice and call me an anemic little bitch#like 'ooooo the anemic little bitch is cold??? does she need a mouse blanket#bc she's SOOOO SMALL AND ANEMIC???''#and it doesn't hurt my feelings (it makes me laugh very hard) bc 1. i actually called MYSELF that first#and 2. i'm not sensitive about it!!!#a proper razz is when you are ALSO in on the joke - i ALSO think it's funny#for some people i personally find that when they razz u it's when they love u -#they've noticed something genuine about u and love u enough that u know they're not being mean#this is cultural and personality based of course but i'm hispanic#if someone isn't making fun of me it means they hate me . obviously.
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Let's bring back the bagelpocalypse
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whats wrong with my dog bruh 😂😭
#art#illustration#colored pencil#digitally edited quite a bit tho#black paper#horror#surrealism#unreality#this is what realistic quad fursuits make me feel like btw#no hate to ppl who make/wear/like them and theyre v impressive it just freaks me out#i think those kinds of fursuiters need to work in the film industry making practical effects for horror movies#like making a skinwalker or something similar#it looks like a dog at first glance but the way it moves isnt quite right and u realize its someone/something just mimicing a dog#animal uncanny valley to me
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2025 is the year of the DRAGON SLIPPERS
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#kutsurogi my room#eyestrain#(just a little) (that purple is a beast)#happy new year everybody!#still catching up but i needed to bust in to be extremely validated about some anime slippers#I KNEW IT i knew he'd have some doofy footwear!!!!#they're even actually dragon slippers!#i just got the wrong end of the dragon. whoops.#god. i love this idiot so much.#lilia really does have the best character development huh#lilia 600 years ago: i exist only to defend my kingdom against humanity. (eats a frog without breaking eye contact)#lilia today: wah i stubbed my toe :( i can't find my eyelash curler :( the sun is too bright :(#(this is not a complaint i genuinely love this silly grampa)#most relatable groovy ever tbh#sigh. i gotta have a serious think about my keys now.#i didn't get ANY of the new cards (not even the srs...)#i did get bloom lilia(!!!) from the mission pulls so that kinda made up for it but now i'm like#weighing the odds that birthday malleus is going to be in sweatpants...#i just feel deep in my bones that this upcoming mal card is going to be the funniest yet#(and this is saying something considering his og card literally is wearing a little frilly sash that says 'birthday boy')#honestly though no matter what malleus wears it's going to be incredible#this man has such an intrinsic vibe of dark hooded cloakiness that whenever he wears anything else it's guaranteed hilarity#sometimes i like to think about how he just wanders around campus in his little blazer and tie and it's the best
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main take aways from Halloween (1978) rewatch:
michael myers is canonically 21??? this bitch should be at the club
*sees tiddies* ***MURDEROUS RAMPAGE NOISES***
that's it that's the movie
outside of the fact that everyone who has sex is murdered by the narrative, this is a surprisingly chill portrayal of female sexuality? these teen girls are horny and actively enjoying Getting It On with their boytoys. no pushy boyfriends sneaking in through their bedroom windows--these ladies are taking the initiative to sneak out and GET SOME. one of them gets laid and then immediately orders her boyfriend to get her a beer. (yes she gets Slashered soon afterward, but so does the boyfriend so honestly, gender equality.) yes the Final Girl is the only one not having sex, but she's not bullied for that, nor are her friends slut shamed except possibly by being murdered by the narrative
actually the only character who is shown being morally condemned on-screen is michael myers. specifically FOR his violent overreaction to other people's sex lives. (people he is spying on). metaphorically, the villain is American Puritanism sticking its judgy nose into other people's business.
aka Michael Myers Is A Republican
but actually the real villain is the doctor. guy's a judgemental, shaming, pathologizing asshole. and he's been in charge of michael's care since he was SIX YEARS OLD? kid never had a chance. i'd go on a killing spree too
also the parents. where are the parents? it's halloween night and all the teenage girls are home babysitting their younger siblings? come to think of it, michael's first victim was his own older sister, whom he killed while she was babysitting him. teen girls are really shouldering a labour burden here. maybe parentification is the true villain
side note: mike commits his first murder wearing a clown costume...which is never referenced again? his 'iconic' costume is a generic mask and wig and jumpsuit, when we coulda had a Killer Clown Michael Myers??? travesty
i like how the Final Girl and her friend casually smoke weed in her car. yeah she's an honor student and her friend is the sheriff's daughter. yeah they smoke weed. so what it's 1978
(to reiterate, mike is 21 and should be at the club. im not saying he shouldn't be rampaging, im saying it's sad that he broke out, tasted freedom for the first time in his life, and immediately snuck back into his childhood home to go rampaging. let's have a remake where he goes to a nightclub and has a few beers. maybe some slutty dancing. then rampage)
oh no he's hot
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#HALLOWEEN#halloween the movie#michael myers#do you think he's a mike? mikey? to his friends? if slashers had friends?#i'll be honest i was expecting this movie to be way more of a bitch to its female characters#i mean yeah they died but so did some dudes#there's just a lack of cattiness compared to the way most later movies portrayed teenage girls idk#yeah the Final Girl is a Virgin and a Bookworm. but there's no bullying or any strong sense that's she's morally superior to everyone else#mostly she AND the other girls feel a bit sorry for her lack of a social life. one even tries to set her up with a date to the school dance#solidarity! trying to get your nerd friend laid!#overall it's just teenagers being teenagers and then a slasher comes in and ruins everything with his Lack Of Chill#like yeah dude sometimes teenagers have sex. get over it#also something to be said about how while the girl who survives is the one who isn't sexually active and dresses conservatively...#ultimately those things aren't ENOUGH to prevent her from being targeted#you could say that the other girls 'provoked' the villain (the same way women irl are so often accused of provoking their attackers)#but ultimately that doesn't keep the Final Girl safe. it just delays the inevitable.#because violent men never need excuses. no matter how eager society is to provide them.#ultimately she is at the mercy of the same violent whims because it was never her behavior that invited the violence.#gendered violence doesn't need an invitation.#also she doesn't save herself the doctor saves her#it's not her actions or choices that put her in danger OR save her from it--once again it is the whim of a man#no this wasn't intended to be a feminist movie it's just fun how you could argue it that way
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Okay, but what if EoW!Zelda had to impersonate Link
#echoes of wisdom#the legend of zelda#loz#loz eow#zelda#link#josh art tag#the scenario i imagine is that nobody but zelda onows that link got got#and link presumably when on a whole quest to save zelda so people would know him or at least of him#so maybe zelda would feel the need to make everyone think everything would be okay#cuz look! links still here and taking care of things!#idk i just think its a cool idea and its one ive actually had for a while#a little while ago i wondered what the next loz game would be like and what i would want to see#and i of course thought of playable zelda#but i thought#what would cause zelda to be playable?#so i thought maybe something would happen to link and he would be unavailable so zelda would take his place#and then that idea fit so well with eow!#i think its fun seeing a zelda in the classic green. and the hat#imposter!zelda au
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letting celebrities think they can and should "use their platform" to speak on all current events and political issues regardless of how educated they are on them was a grave mistake
#i honestly think that's why half of these celebrities are just sharing around these same few wishy washy unhelpful statements#at this point it's a relief when i open an instagram story and it's just a celebrity posting about their regular stuff#like good thank you feel free to just be quiet#or just share some fundraising links if you feel a need to be helpful#but like ultimately if you have a platform of many thousands/millions#then frankly it is your responsibility to make sure what you are sharing is accurate and useful#and not just posting for the sake of posting#but instead somehow we're at the point where the more followers you have the more you are expected to just post something anything#talking
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“I've done something wrong again. It's not moving.”
There was a lot of stuff spread out in front of him. Old spare parts, pieces of armor, tools. Lots of warped plates.
And his creation. A real golem. An entity woven of metal and magic.
Shockwave walked around the table and stopped right above the head of the figure lying on it
“Golems exist to serve, my friend. It won't move unless you ask it to.”
Orion clutched his servos. The figure remained stone still. There was no ventilation noise, no engine sound, not even the barely audible spinning of a spark. It could just as easily have been a long-cooled dead body lying in front of him.
“Wake up.”
___________________ Part 2->
Magical Golem Prowl anyone? ‘,:) This story exists in the same universe as Spellbound au. and Monster hunter au and ties them together so I highly recommend you read all of them.
The fic under the cut⤵️
He seemed to be nothing.
The emptiness that infinitely defined his nonexistent self bounced off the metal plates and glinted in the droplets of still-warm energon. He was nothing, but there was so much around him that the space was like an infinite buzz of cluttered noise. The voices above him sounded excited. The metal slab beneath him was cold and hard.
“Good. Now you need to put a piece of your armor on this. Somewhere it will be in plain sight and easily reachable.”
“Oh...wouldn't it make more sense to hide it under the armor? I mean, it's an obvious weak point.”
He idly thought, his hands felt numb.
“No no, that's the whole point. You're using an artifact you haven't fully studied and you don't know exactly how it's going to turn out. If it goes crazy and becomes dangerous, you should have an easy way to destroy it. Where's the artifact by the way?”
The tinkling of metal.
The sound of a crystal clattering against armor.
Warm hands on his head.
“Here.”
“Excellent. Now. This will be the base on which the entire spell will be held, so you want to hide this artifact very well and secure it carefully so it doesn't break by mistake.”
Did he have hands too? He was nothing, why did he have hands? It didn't make sense.
Orion took a couple steps away from the table and stood pensively.
“I've done something wrong again. It's not moving.”
There was a lot of stuff spread out in front of him. Old spare parts, pieces of armor, tools. Lots of warped plates.
And his creation. A real golem. An entity woven of metal and magic.
Shockwave, hitherto distracted by an almost invisible spot on his shoulderplate, glanced leisurely over Orion's shoulder
“Golems don't need much to function. You made a good shell. The magical structure is strong as well, I see.”
Orion hesitantly pointed to the golem's forehead, decorated with a neat sharp chevron.
“I added some things that weren't in your instructions and I think I made a mistake somewhere.”
“Golem making is a complex skill, don't give up if it doesn't work right awa...you know what, actually no, you did everything right.”
Orion shrugged in frustration.
“Then why won't it move?”
Shockwave walked around the table and stopped right above the head of the figure lying on it
“ Golems exist to serve, my friend. It won't move unless you ask it to.”
Orion walked back over to the table with a quiet “oh” and nervously clutched his servos. The figure remained stone still. There was no ventilation noise, no engine sound, not even the barely audible spinning of a spark. It could just as easily have been a long-cooled dead body lying in front of him.
“Wake up.”
The emptiness that forever defined his nonexistent self stammered. He wasn't nothing. He had a purpose and that purpose shaped him, put strength into his numb limbs and molded his lack of thought into naked intent.
He wasn't nothing. He was a void, but suddenly that void had a direction, no matter how meaningless it sounded.
He stopped being just nothing. He became his purpose. And it felt so right that it was unclear how he could ever have been anything else before.
He opened his optics.
Orion, who apparently hadn't expected that the thing he'd made specifically for it to move would move, jerked back with a funny sound.
On the opposite side, Shockwave nodded proudly, returning to the spot on his armor that even in the bright lights of the workshop only he could see.
“I believed in you.”
_________
“Oh my god! How do you sneak up on me so quietly every time?”
He wasn't nothing anymore. He was a whole long list of instructions and rules. His creator sat him down at a table and meticulously listed everything he could and could not do. Handed him many books and ordered him to attend a huge number of lectures. He now knew who to bow to if he passed them in the hallway and who to avoid. He had learned hundreds of names and thousands of titles. Learned how to pretend to be a real Mech, even though he wasn't.
The world around him was complex and confusing, but he found that this complexity had its own patterns, linked together in a bizarre web of systems and sequences. It was worth pulling on the right end, and the meaningless facts organized themselves into something much more manageable.
Everything made sense. The planet revolved around a star. Mechs rejoiced when they got something that improved their quality of life. Energon burned, producing energy. Big things tended to be heavier than small things.
The world was divided into Mechs and monsters...and him.
He was inclined to be...quiet.
His creator - he'd asked to be called Orion - twitched when he found his creation standing right behind him.
He was very talented at finding Orion wherever he was. And very light compared to most things his size. Like everything else it made sense. He wasn't a Mech, he was just an empty shell. An armor summoned to life by magic. His footsteps were as quiet as a mini bot's. Whatever Orion called it, he wasn't 'sneaking' on purpose.
A few cycles later, Orion accidentally bent one of its finals when he turned around too quickly, startled by the quiet footsteps behind him.
He named him Prowl. It was...not exactly logical, but there was a certain sense to it. Prowl nodded and agreed. He always agreed with everything Orion said, even if it didn't make sense at all. Orion's opinion took a higher priority than anything else.
Until it didn't.
Until Orion gave him a focused look and told him that he should argue if he thought it was necessary.
Until Orion put the servo on his shoulder and said something along the lines of....
“You can disagree with me if you think my opinion is wrong. I'm not asking you to go against me. I'm not perfect and I can't be the one absolute point of reference for everything. You can and I'm sure will be smarter than me about many things. I want you to tell me if I'm wrong and what I should do about it.”
Like…well….like an absolute fool.
This concept was new. Prowl wasn't built to argue. He was made to obey orders and to serve a function.
Orion smiled slyly. At least it was probably a smile behind his mask that made the corners of his optics lift.
“It wouldn't be considered a disobedience of my order if I ordered you to disobey it. Don't you think?”
Prowl opened his mouth to agree out of habit, but then changed his mind mid-motion and closed it back. It...it didn't make sense. It made sense that was breaking under its own weight. It was mercilessly mixing up all of his pre-learned patterns for talking to Orion. If he agreed with that logic now, it would mean accepting its use. If he protested, it would also mean accepting it, but in a bit more embarrassing way. Just when he was thinking of simply retreating silently to the nearest shadow and banging his head against the wall, he heard a quiet chuckle and realized that Orion had been amusing himself for some time now, watching him struggle.
Prowl decided that verbal responses might be overrated and frowned his face in the most believable expression of displeasure he could portray.
Orion broke out into laughter.
________
“What exactly is my goal?”
Orion looks. Curious. He stops talking to Shockwave and leans back on the bench.
“Right now, to study these journals. I already told you.”
Prowl nods to indicate he heard him and continues
“Studying serves a future purpose. Studying for the sake of studying would be meaningless to me. What is my final goal?”
“To assist me” Orion says slightly confused. ”Within the best of your ability of course.“”
“Аh. Assist in the fulfillment of your goal.”
“Well. I'd say so, yes.”
Prowl nods
“And what is your goal?”
Shockwave, who has been sitting next to them the whole time looks like they're a couple of previously unknown to science species he's just personally discovered.
Prowl ignores him.
“I...you remember the separation between Mechs and monsters, right?” asks Orion cautiously.
“Yes.”
“Mechs...are unfair to monsters. Monsters are cruel to Mechs. It's a needlessly violent situation that I want to...try to. Fix.”
Prowl frowns to indicate that the information isn't completely clear.
“You're a member of the order of hunters. And...” he shakes his head toward the nearest window ”...you have a considerable number of hunters under your command. Your job involves destroying monsters.”
Shockwave makes some sort of quiet amused sound and props his chin up with his hand.
Prowl ignores him harder.
“My job is to bring peace.” says Orion “You don't have to kill monsters to do that. You can negotiate with them. Find a compromise. Coexist. I...I guess basically, I'm trying to make the world a little better?”
Prowl doesn't look impressed. He's actually making a special effort to not let Orion think in any way that he might be intrigued by the whole endeavor.
“You do realize that's a disproportionately large goal for just one Mech, right?”
Orion shrugs awkwardly
“That's why I made you.”
__________
Ratchet puts aside his tools and critically examines his work.
“Don't touch that and it will heal normally.”
Orion smiles gratefully
“Thank you.”
Ratchet is important to Orion. They are close and very valuable friends to each other. The two of them look peaceful now, despite the fact that Ratchet threatened Orion when he first showed up in Sick Bay, so Prowl decides it would be a socially acceptable moment to start talking
“Orion, you're wanted at the Council.”
The second half of his line is drowned helplessly in two startled exclamations at once. Orion, to his honor, calms down almost immediately, but Ratchet continues cursing for a while.
Prowl doesn't wait for him to finish. The Council meeting is earlier than usual today and Orion has already had a few occasions of misbehavior. It's in his best interest to at least show up on time this time.
“Shockwave asked me to tell you to hurry. I will add that showing up at the last minute will not be good for your reputation if you are still hoping to convince the council to let you take more units.”
Ratchet .....stares.
“Primus' rusty hinges, Orion, who's that? Did they assign a nanny to you?”
Orion twitches his finals playfully and immediately crinkles in pain, remembering that one of them should have been left to heal.
“Remember when I wanted to find an assistant? Well...”
Ratchet casts an increasingly more suspicious look at Prowl. Prowl decides that friendliness is overrated and limits his expression to a barely perceptible tilt of his head in response.
“...Shockwave recently helped me figure out how to create golems and I figured if I couldn't find anyone I could trust, I might as well...make one. So. Ratchet meet Prowl.” finishes Orion awkwardly.
Ratchet glares at Prowl for a while longer. Then he turns away and starts tidying up Sick Bay.
“I'm not buying it. I don't know where you found this guy, but you're not playing me. Nice poker face by the way.”
One of Prowl's wings twitches
“He wasn't lying.”
Ratchet snorts grumpily.
“Those...” he waves toward the next room ”...are golems.
There, behind the wall, several golems scurry around. They have medical staff symbols painted on their shoulders, and there is not a trace of thought in their eyes. Two are scrubbing the floors, another wiping the shelves and window sills clean of dust. They occasionally mumble softly under their noses or utter an inane “excuse me” every time they accidentally bump into each other. Prowl knows that if you ask any of them a question with more than one variable, they start babbling guiltily and shrugging their shoulders. They're stupid, but they themselves don't seem to care about that at all. They are their purpose. And their purpose is to keep things clean. They are pride because they are good at their job.
Prowl frowns. He's a headache. Because his "purpose" has been distracted by his conversation with Ratchet and will probably add another tardy to his list in the near future.
Orion begins (thank goodness) to move toward the door
“I've made improvements. There might have been...some not exactly allowed artifacts.”
Ratchet rubs the bridge of his nose tiredly. Prowl can see that his face is already starting to wrinkle in that spot. Patient antics probably age Ratchet far more effectively than the passage of time itself.
“I...you know what...go before the Council sends a search party to look for you.”
Orion sighs and without further distraction finally walks out the door.
Prowl decides that Ratchet might be a good ally when it comes to managing Orion.
He nods politely goodbye before leaving.
______________
“I am different from them. Why?”
Orion puts down the document he's been working on and looks first at Prowl and then, over his head, at the other golems scurrying down the hallway with brooms and rags. He doesn't need to interject exactly who he thinks Prowl is different from.
“Do you want a philosophical answer or a technical one?”
Prowl reaches out and pokes somewhere in Orion's document
“ You missed a comma. Both.”
Orion obediently puts the comma in and folds up the document. His finals are twitching faintly. It could be a sign of concentration as well as distraction. Prowl has already figured out that Orion's body language is a double-bottom trap. For a Mech with this level of expressiveness, Orion is surprisingly difficult to read.
“Sometime quite a while ago during one of my expeditions, I found a unique artifact. A fascinating item, granting wisdom to anyone brave enough to use it.”
“I have a feeling a ‘but’ is coming.”
“You're right. The artifact's unique gift was also its curse. It fed so much information through the Mech's heads that it literally caused the processors of its owners to melt.”
“Oh. Good thing I don't have a processor then.”
Orion laughs quietly
“Indeed. You won't have that problem. And about the other part....Think of all the Mechs you know who are savvy enough about politics and available to work together at the moment.”
Orion gives him a moment before continuing.
“ What is the likelihood that the most trustworthy of them would betray me, for their own gain or out of fear?”
“ Twenty-eight percent,” Prowl informs.
And then hesitates a moment.
Orion is obviously a smart Mech. Not smart enough to single-handedly dominate the political arena, definitely not with his ideals and ideas of what's right. But smart enough to realize it. He knows what he wants and he also knows he can't achieve it alone.
Prowl looks at Orion, who just stands there, eyeing him, without in any way trying to continue the conversation.
Orion is idealistic, and therefore often mistaken for stupid. He isn't. Orion doesn't just know that he can't succeed alone, he knows that everyone else knows it too. He thinks this knowledge will be used against him when the opportunity arises. He's right. By Prowl's count, at least three suspiciously clever Mechs were going to sweet-talk their way into becoming Orion's assistant one way or another before... he appeared.
One of the janitor golems runs past them down the corridor. He doesn't turn around, doesn't even slow down or cast a curious glance. His only goal, his only interest is cleaning. The rest of the world might as well not exist at all.
Prowl thinks he's not that different.
Orion apparently reads the understanding from his face, because he nods contentedly and starts walking further down the hall.
“You didn't take yourself into account when you made the statistics, did you?”
Prowl follows him silently on his heels. Not close enough to be familiar, but not so far away that the conversation stops being private.
“The sampling condition was all mechs. I am not one.”
“That's true” Orion shrugs “You have no loved ones that the Council could use to influence you. You have no desires to be bought by their fulfillment. And while I cannot say with absolute certainty that you will never be capable of going against me...” Prowl starts to open his mouth to object but Orion gestures him to stop, “...no no no no, let me finish. And while I can't be sure you'll never betray me, I at least know for sure that before you met me you had no reason to do so. Do you understand?”
Prowl understands. It makes sense. He still feels the need to argue back, because it is part of his function to do that.
“I would never betray you. I'm not capable of it.”
Orion twitches his finals. Without seeing his face Prowl assumes it is a sign of doubt.
“You are a creature of intellect, Prowl. I am a Mech of ideals. Those two things don't always combine well.”
______
“Foolish and presumptuous.”
Prowl ponders that his function could be much easier if he didn't have to constantly try to balance what is right and what is right in Orion's eyes.
“If you were spotted, the Council would have good reason to assume this isn't the first time you've done something like this.”
“No one noticed,” Orion tries, but Prowl doesn't let him finish that thought
“No one has seen you, because you're lucky. You can't count on it being a permanent occurrence! You undermine your own position by giving the Council grounds for suspicion, you...”
Prowl stops, still pointing his finger accusingly somewhere on Orion's chin. Shockwave, who has witnessed the scene, makes an impressed face and steps closer.
“I swear, you're probably the most capable golem maker I've ever had the pleasure of teaching, Orion. If I hadn't seen that guy on your assembly table, I would never know.”
Prowl takes the statement as a compliment, but doesn't feel the need to show it outwardly. Shockwave, as one of the few who knows about him not being a real Mech, doesn't take offense to it in any way.
“Did I interrupt something dramatic?”
Prowl snorts, because the gesture maintains just the right amount of judgment for his situation.
“Orion is once again harboring a monster instead of killing it or letting it escape.”
This news immediately enlivens Shockwave's posture. Prowl knows he's an even bigger fan of collecting suspicious side projects than Orion. Their friendship, frankly, will one day bury either one or both of them. Prowl just hopes his presence will be enough to sway the percentages when that happens.
Orion doesn't try to deny anything.
“One of my squads encountered a ghost near the northern border. I couldn't... listen Shockwave, he's a good guy. He just needs to be given a chance to show it.”
“Can he talk?” there's almost visible stars in Shockwave's eyes..
Prowl slumps his shoulders helplessly, already knowing what's coming next. These two have done this dance a hundred times before. One of Shockwave's favorite side projects was a school for, as they called them, magically gifted and extraordinary Mechs. In fact, it was the largest den of various monsters that Prowl had ever seen. Every time Orion's hunting squads found a monster that could even remotely resemble a normal Mech, Orion would rush with happy optics to hand it over to Shockwave for care. There, the monsters were taught everything they needed to fit into the society of normal Mechs, but more importantly, they were given documents. Precious pieces of paper that granted their holders rights, freedoms, and protections as Shockwave's apprentices.
Prowl could appreciate the noble endeavor. He could also see clearly that with each addition, this school would become more and more of an inconvenient thorn in the Council's side. Just like Orion, Shockwave was happy to paint a brighter and brighter target on his own back for many cycles.
Orion, insensitive to danger that is not immediate, cheerfully begins to recite
“Can read, write, speak, even makes music.”
Shockwave nods happily
“Introduce us?”
Prowl wonders how far Shockwave can stretch the definition of “magically gifted Mech”. One day Orion will pick up a Kraken on the street and then they'll both probably have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to make it's documents. Ugh.
When Orion had asked him to calculate the probability of betrayal, the most reliable mech he was evaluating at the time was Shockwave.
Twenty-eight percent...
Prowl wonders how many students must be on the opposite side of the scale from Orion for Shockwave to choose in their favor. Speculation is actually useless. If the Council decides to nail Shockwave, they will of course use his entire school at once.
In fact, they probably won't even have to force Shockwave to choose between the school and Orion, because Orion himself will choose a bunch of monsters over himself.
This ridiculously dangerous social construct they call friendship rests entirely on their reputation as honest and honorable mechs. Prowl stares at Shockwave's back and wonders how one mech could have so much charisma, that he gets away with keeping a huge number of Council enemies right under the noses of that same Council.
_________________
Orion gently lifts the now graying shell of what was once a monster from the ground
He doesn't even turn toward Prowl.
"Did you kill him?"
Killing...it's a stretch. Does the act of helping a murderer qualify as murder? Or the lack of action that could have saved the now murdered person? In most cultures and languages, “murder” refers to the act of ending someone else's life, but the context implies a physical act. Did you put a knife in his back? Did you push him off a cliff? Did you cut him with a sword?
By those criteria. Well. Prowl never killed anyone. Nor is he likely to, for he has neither the skill nor the strength to do so.
Did he cause death? Absolutely.
Orion's always had this heroic streak that wouldn't let him just pass by the distressed and disadvantaged. Orion has always had a great spark of kindness and principles as strong as titanium alloy as to what is right and what is wrong.
In Orion's world view, murder is wrong. And murder in conditions where it was possible to solve everything by peace is immoral and unacceptable.
Prowl's worldview tells him that Orion could do much better if he stopped wasting his potential on helping those who will only drag him down in the long run. Orion's life depends entirely on the Council's opinion of him. A Council that has been watching him closely lately. Even if Orion doesn't like it, it's Prowl's job to make sure they like what they see.
Orion turns to him, shaking him out of his thoughts.
"Prowl. That mech tried to escape. Past you. And now he's dead. Were you the one who killed him?"
"No," says Prowl, "he ran into one of the patrols."
That statement is missing a good half of the details. Like mentioning that the patrol wouldn't have been there in the first place if Prowl hadn't sent them an anonymous lead.
Orion doesn't need to know that. Orion lives under the idea that every life is precious and, even more inconveniently, equal.
Prowl sometimes feels like yelling at him for it. Because that shiny perfect picture is simply unsustainable outside of Orion's head. The monster, whose graying body now lies on the ground, would be of little use to society. Likely left free, he would have simply continued to attack and kill travelers.
Whereas Orion spends his life making the world a better place. This is an objective fact confirmed by numerous observations.
They are not equals. And they probably never will be. Orion's life is much. Much heavier on the imaginary scales of statistics.
Orion squints at him suspiciously. He's clearly hesitant.
"You could have just let him go instead of killing him."
The trap is honestly too obvious.
"I didn't kill him" Prowl repeats "he ran into a patrol. You can't blame the hunters for doing their job."
Orion places a hand on the dead creature's forehead in a respectful gesture of regret while simultaneously averting his gaze. It's a habit by now.
Look the other way, don't let the council know what you're doing. Sympathize but not in plain sight, help but in secret.
"They had no right to attack him.This is neutral territory. He has the right to run wherever he wants."
Prowl's mouth is twisting with the urge to argue. To say that according to existing information, this monster would have just continued the attacks if he'd stayed free.
He says nothing. Orion is clearly in no mood to argue right now, and he's already questioning Prowl's claim. It's not worth pushing any further.
Prowl only nods, showing that he's heard Orion's point of view.
__________________
He is surprisingly good at lying.
Of course the skill doesn't just come naturally, but he's been known for his straightforwardness. Mechs automatically expect him to either remain silent or tell the unpleasant truth.
All he has to do is give only certain bits and pieces instead of coherent information without changing his usual behavior in any way and the mechs won't be inclined to verify it, filling in the gaps themselves. As a golem, he can't lie, but he can get others to lie to themselves.
He exploits this a lot. Probably more often than Orion would approve, but Prowl doesn't ask him to confirm. Conversations with Orion tend to narrow down his list of options. Because Orion is a real living mech. With a spark. With feelings. And his complex moral code revolves entirely around what he feels to be right.
Prowl has no spark. Prowl has an empty armor that he considers his body and a wisdom artifact that he considers his worth. Both his and Orion's understandings of what is right...overlap...sometimes.
Not always.
______________
"I saw a demon in person for the first time today."
Prowl politely shifts his posture to show he's listening
"A …demon?"
"Demon" Orion repeats "When...when a mech commits especially terrible crimes against the will of Primus, the very magic of their spark rises up against them and turns them into a demon. And I just learned today what a...demon looks like."
Prowl remains silent, waiting for a continuation that never comes. Orion seems gone in his thoughts....
"And what does it look like?" prompts Prowl.
"Creepy. It looks creepy and unnatural and terrifying. Primus' wrath has a very ugly shape..."
"Ah...I see...what did that mech do to be met with such punishment?"
Orion frowns
"I'm not sure. But what we're doing can't go against Primus' will, right? I mean, all beings are his creations! He can't condemn us for trying to make peace between mechs and monsters..."
Prowl is familiar with the concept of punishment for wrongdoing. But something about the very idea...the idea that punishment will find you no matter how well you hide because you can’t run away from your own spark...he has to admit it's disturbing.
"I hope he doesn't."
——————————
Thoughts?👁
Ahsjfjfj
This is the first half of the fic btw because I don’t have enough time to translate the whole thing in one day. I’ll try to post the second half tomorrow🤞
#maccadam#transformers#sigh#wanna find out what kind of genius tag I came up with for this story?#behold#tf mimics au#feel free to pat me on the shoulder or decapitate me or something#I spent the whole day googling fancy English words#and decided that I’m tired and just wannna be practical#Orion pax#Prowl#Shockwave#senator shockwave#Ratchet#this story will contain a lot of JazzProwl but I need to show what the fuck is going on inside Prowl’s head first#Prowl being a cruel fucker. <- definitely not preparing to drag him through the excessive amount of life changing angst#to make him grow as a person#no no what are you talking about#I’m sure his worldview would never turn over and bite him back lol
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