#i just like him. everything was his own damn fault you cant be a lone wolf when youre a third of a person!! AND YET.

[cyberdragoninfinity]

unwise to sell a wolf ticket when it's your own pelt on the line

[almalvo]

STAR TREK: DISCOVERY | S1E5 "Choose Your Pain"

[I will react to each episode individually and in full, raw reception and then post as is unrevised here onto my tumblr for the full span of every and all NuTrek episodes and series that have been and will be released. If this falls under your field of interest - I welcome your company in joining me. Enjoy the ride.] -------

yeah i still dont like a black woman being "someone to fear burnham" idk guess we'll see. hmm i feel like there could be something in that telescope oml this view into the bridge and other facilities onboard discovery at the start of this episode is SO PRETTYYY let me LIVE. there. oh this is weird oh so space bear gets the titty stab but not burnham XD ofc ofc awww space bear depressed let him outttt id be depressed too, stuck in there with only a slop bucket and no moss in sight :/

ayyyyeee vulcan aboardd also why katrina's eyes are so red is she ok? bruh i been preoccupied by tardigrades too um ok lorca, mr. isaac clarke over here with your eye stabbery i kinda like lorca's face. hes so "f everything idgaf" oh my god the scale of the ship next to the shuttlepod

beat em up oh crap hmm hes gone so acting captain'll be saru thatll be interesting ugh i love this intro theres this feeling of utter suspension hearing and seeing it ugh seeing discovery fly through all these things and spin its so nice ugh the handssssssssssss i love the measurements and all these things and the constellations left behind ugh so much to see look at saruuuu cant wait till he frkn understands burnham's previous decisions and can stop treating her so blah i love his eyes WHO ARCHER JONATHAN AAAA PIKE CHRISTOPHER OH FUCKKKKK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND THEN IT WILL BE you know. you know. YOU. KNOW. oh my god ok shaking okokokokok MUDD DID YOU JUST SAY YOUR NAME IS MUDD MUDDDDDDDDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA oh my god this is so cool

oh dang. this poor guy. he was just in there to get foot in face. you sure are mudd. you sure do do that survivin. hi stamets. lmaooooo he knows hes brilliant - get it stamets own that shit it is kind of odd hearing burnham say such praise haha oh yeah its all BURNHAMS fault uhuh. cool to see some lone captain scenes its so odd to see such serious lighting in a trek production. listen. this is still all so NEW to me k. this guy ash tyler is pretty what is that its cute but also id be way to scared to come anywhere near that thing ughhh this outside shot of ncc discovery is so PRETTY thats so interesting? warp freeways because of space shrooms. damn. im with it.

DI DID DID DID THE THEY USE THE F WORD ON S T A R T R E K ???? DID THEY FUCKING USE THE FUCKING F BOMB ON FUCKING STAR TREK, ON THE FUCKING STAR TREK ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW HOLY FUCK I DID NOT I DID NOT HEAR THAT. my fucking mandible fell off when i heard that. i cannot believe what i just witnessed. i cannot believe my ears. not even AOS did the "fuck". oh my god "fuck" is canon in trek. that brought tears to my eyes hang on yall holy. shit… ima table that cuz i cant get over that idk when i can wow

saru has the perfect voice its so saru. its really cool to see his face like this the prosthetic is so great. it looks more real than (almost) anything pure cgi. cuz it IS real. i love it. beautiful example of practical effects. beautiful execution. also sorry but "predator"? really…? i dont appreciate burnham's treatment at all when its already bad enough that black women are almost always represented racially or with such a societal disdain cuz fucking EVERYONE hates black women. it is what critically annoys me in this series above all else so far :/ also sorry but WHAT THE FUCK DID STEWART DO HOW DARE YOU FUCKING THROW IT FUCK. YOU.

#LorcaNotMyCaptain

ugh not again with the titty stabbers. dude. this is slavery. let the fucking space bear go. look what you did to it. he shriveled up to survive. i HATE the treatment of other lifeforms in this series so far. CRACK IT OPEN? fuck you saru. fuck you too stamets. man everyone is so unlikeable. thats another issue i have in this show so far almost everyone is unlikeable af.

i didnt get to know phillipa that much so not much to say. burnham is so standoffish, idk if we have anough time to unravel her dimensionally. sylvia is kind of more annoying than endearing. lorca is lorca. ofc i dont like him (except i DO like an unperfect captain - i just wonder if hes redeemable). stamets is so catty like i get it yes be proud of your ideas that people might be ignorant towards but bruh still theres not enough good quality to counterbalance it so far. saru looks cool sure but hes so blatantly crass towards even other non-human lifeforms when he himself is non-human, cuz sry all that "crack it open" bullshit is gross af, desperation or not. i would NOT want him as my acting captain, ill say that, no matter how pretty he might be. i like ash tyler the most so far. i mean i get it its only episode 5 of 15 in s1 of 5 seasons - but still maybe im not too used to this many characters simultaneously being difficult to connect with. im gonna wait and see if this all develops. saru's feet. are hooflike his hands are so expressive his shape is so hes so lank. im SO impressed with how amazing he looks up close. i can SEE the subsurface scattering of his skin and the blood in his veins yeah please. we need this small talk with saru. thanks. k. i needed to see this redemptive quality in saru and co. cuz the getgo, everyones so adverse to alignment and connectivity

poor space bear i really hope you will be happy out there, mossie. youre FREEEE oh my god. space bear just warped. oh my god WARPING space bear. i need a plushie of it. mossie. stamets and doc. they gay for each other. they hubbies. they are literally brushing teeth together. yeuip. they gay. mhm. for sure. wow. first ever fucking explicitly gay couple in star trek. and it took this FUCKING long. i aint talking about TOS yall, we all know the love story that is the first 4 seasons + 6 classic films + 3 alternate reality films of Star Trek k - i just mean very literal and established archetypically, that makes sense. about fucking time. IDIC is literally mother gay but this took half an entire century to fucking show a gay couple onscreen. fuck me. k well. SNW Season 2 and 3, dont let us down. Im going to fucking die if theres even a wisp of something near Lower Deck's "K+S" carving scene. i digress.

alright DISCO, ima see how you unpack all this universal animosity, cuz damn are you thick with it in the first entire third of your first season.

[comas-are-for-sleeping]

alright part two 💀

13. jon is increasingly worried about martin's isolation and apparent alliance with peter lukas. martin is actually just trying to save everyone's life bc peter told him that there was another fear power trying to attempt its own ritual very soon (the extinction). jon reads a statement that tells him a way to leave the institute for good -- taking out your eyes!! cant see? cant work for the institute! he finds martin with his new Knowing powers and says, "we can run away together 🥺" to which martin basically says no i cant im sorry. jon also tells everyone else and melanie say bet lemme just do that real quick. (she does. and moves in w georgie theyre dating its great.) oh also at some point they get the bullet out of melanie's leg and jon gives up a rib to get another one so he can have an anchor when he goes in the coffin and rescues daisy (he tries cutting off his finger, but it keeps immediately healing itself). daisy admits to not wanting to be involved with the hunt anymore (which she was, cause like cop... yeah) and stays w jon most of the time. melanie also becomes besties w helen who was previously michael (not in a directly transgender way, it just decided to use a new body).

14. jon figures out what martin is doing and also knows that it's probably going to end badly and so decides to save him. elias is back somehow and reveals that he has the eyes of jonah magnus, founder of the institute. basically he is jonah in a similar way to michael/helen. his Knowing powers are much stronger than jon's (we knew of these powers before sorry i didnt mention them thats why they needed to distract him). jon follows martin into a fog (lonely powered fog bc peter lukas is a sailor guy and fog makes u lonely ig). martin is like "im better off alone" and jon goes "i can see you" and you cry. and they hug and martin is pulled out of the fog. the not-sasha is let loose because other hunters that jon met in america (he tricked them) show up wanting to kill him. daisy goes feral mode (basically ensuring she'll never go back to normal after) after the hunters and the not-sasha. jon and martin relocate to a secret cabin place to hide from the hunters (together they're together they're in love). i think basira went to look for daisy.

15. jon gets a box of statements and pulls one out that ends up being from elias/jonah and ends the world! it's not entirely his fault but like... maybe a little.

16. season five! jon and martin traverse the new Horror World trying to get back to the institute and... do something. maybe fix everything. jon kills all of the people who he encountered during his field research. they find basira and she kills daisy and then goes off on her own bc god damn she just killed her gf. jon and martin are seperated for a second when martin is like. taken to his own domain (the world is divided into little areas where someone is basically feeding off of a specific fear of others) and jon goes to helen's domain and kills her!

17. they end up in london, where they find melanie and georgie with a small band of people they've saved. (since melanie broke ties with the eye and georgie literally cant feel fear, they're kinda outside the new fear system.) martin goes off with this web lady named annabelle (she has been a character, v manipulative as is the way of the web) who tells him basically that all the tapes that have been appearing seemingly out of thin air have been her and that even though the eye thought it was controlling everything, it was really the web the whole time. their choices are to destroy the archives and push the fears into some new unsuspecting world (plus kill elias) or jon takes elias's place as One True Seer or whatever and *try* to make the world a *little bit* more bearable. they go with the former. but martin also has to stab jon and they kiss and the archives blows up and the world goes back to "normal." jon and martin's status of living or not was left ambiguous.

ok you have a special interest in tma (im pretty sure) and i do not want to relisten to the whole fucking series SO can you give me liek a summary (however detailed you want) of what i need to know beofre tmp please and thank you

what gave you that impression whaaat???

ok but i love this question bc i can procrastinate on my hw without catastrophizing yippee!!

i'll do like a timeline of main events without dates bc i cannot actually remember numbers for shit

Jonathon Sims becomes Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute (im going to stop with capitals bc it is too much work) because his predecessor, gertrude robinson, died. he's extremely skeptical of anything "paranormal" so it's kinda funny in the beginning bc his whole job is recording statements people have given of their encounters/experiences. Every episode at this point ends with a, "well, it could be dismissed except for this one spooky detail."

at some point a delivery made by breakon and hope (a delivery company that shows up in statements; two guys with suspicious cockney accents) to jon. it's a table with a hole in the center (also has shown up in statements multiple times). because of its association to, like, bad things, jon takes an axe to the thing and it is left in artifacts storage.

the events of season one are basically worm lady named jane prentiss is stalking the institute in order to take it over. she traps martin blackwood, the poor sweet boy, in his apartment for a week. now he cant stand the sight or taste of canned peaches! he moves into the archives temporarily because of this. jon finds him annoying/a nuisance but is very quick to offer the archives as a place for him to stay (spoilers they kiss). sasha james, another employee, meets an entity who calls itself Michael (an icon) who takes her to see a guy from a statement where his one night stand explodes into worms bc she had an encounter with jane prentiss. he is now a worm person. michael gets a worm from sasha's arm that tried to get into her arm w his finger which is Too Long and Too Sharp. The season ends with prentiss invading the archives and being burned to death! tim stoker (another employee, promise that's mostly all of them), martin, and jon are all Traumatized and end up covered in scars from getting worms out of each other with a corkscrew :) sasha and elias bouchard (everyone's boss) attempt to get out, but sasha is separated and ends up in artifacts storage. someone else is there and then the tape cuts out (everything is being recorded on tapes because something funky happens when certain statements come in contact with digital technology). the tape goes missing.

season two is jon's Paranoia Era. he's not sure who he can really trust anymore, since if jane was out there, there must be others and they could even be his own staff (how did she get in?? what are the underground tunnels beneath the archives??). at the end of each statement there is now a "supplemental" in which he describes his suspicions (which leads to him following some of his employees to their homes and they find out and... are not very pleased) and his findings in explorations of these strange tunnels that seem to move by themselves. there is someone down there, but who could it be?

oh btw another reoccurring thing are spooky books with the name "jurgen leitner" in them

the last two statements before Shit Goes Down are both about someone who's relative changes appearance, sound, and personality, except that no one thinks that this has happened and even pictures would suggest they had always looked like that (except polaroids and tapes). jon finds sasha's "missing" tape and listens to it. and... she sounds different in this recording. uh oh!! she isn't who she says she is!! she attacks him, he ends up running around in the archives (perhaps because of michael, who has a multidimensional door that enters into a spiral of confusing hallways) and meets the man himself, jurgen leitner (who, it turns out, has been the one living in the archives). they trap the Not-Sasha in the tunnels because leitner has a book that, if he reads certain sections, can move the walls/stairs/entryways/etc. jon Obviously has questions, so they go into his office and he keeps interrupting leitner (obviously). what he is able to tell jon is basically:

he found some spooky books and decided that he could collect them all. he built a library and put his name in all the books he owned, but one day it was too much and basically the whole thing burned down, all his assistants died, and the books were yet again scattered to the winds. he explains that he believes these books, entities, and items are all part of powerful beings. he also tells jon that elias killed gertrude. jon freaks out and decides to take up smoking again in that moment, so leitner is left alone. and elias goes in there and kills him with a lead pipe. jon comes back and is like wtf. he's pinned as the murderer bc all his coworkers were suspicious of his behaviors.

so now jon is on the run. he hides in his ex-girlfriend's apartment. he decides to do field research into something gertrude seemed to be interested called The Unknowing. we also learn that he encountered a leitner book as a child which led him to witness his school bully being taken by a spider behind a door (this is an animatic of said book teehee). also that georgie (the ex) also had an encounter separate from him which resulted in her losing all ability to feel fear. jon's field research leads him to find various entities from the statements and is kinda bullied by all of them tbh. hand burned by a woman who's basically made of wax (she likes destroying people's things and fire), simulated vertigo from a guy with a lightning scar down his back, and kidnapped by a clown manequine who wants his skin (as part of the Unknowing)! oh and also almost murdered by a bloodthirsty cop (daisy tonner my beloved plus her gf basira. idr if their relationship was ever established but). he tells daisy that he wasn't the one who killed leitner and that it was elias (i think he has proof?? bc she believes him). they corner him but hes like lol no u cant kill me if you kill me you all die rip teehee!!

oh! on his adventures, he ends up in america and learns that the powers are organized into types of fears. there are fourteen of them, jon works for the Eye. jane was the corruption (rot, bugs). the circus is the stranger (fear of the other, unknown, etc).

at this point i think also the clown + her circus have gathered all the materials for this "Unknowing," (a ritual of sorts). the crew (now including daisy and basira) devise a plan to end it while also distracting elias so that he can be arrested. jon makes martin and tim stay behind (as the distraction), but tim refuses bc his brother was killed by a clown (not the same one as the kidnapper) and hes Angry. I think at this point basira and melanie (she made a statement and then got fired from her job as a ghost hunter youtuber) work at the institute also.

they enter the circus Unknowing and martin burns statements to get elias's attention. all the circus people forget who they are so it's hard to blow everything up, but they figure it out enough for tim to detonate. daisy is thrown into a coffin (also a thing that shows up in multiple statements), tim dies in the explosion, and jon is catatonic.

season four! jon wakes up six months later in the hospital and is told that he was entirely dead except for brain activity. martin is distant, elias has been arrested and replaced by peter lukas, a name that has also shown up before. he is part of the lukas family, which is aligned with the lonely (they help fund the institute). jon pulls back up to his place of work and everyone's kinda annoyed and sad bc their friends are dead. melanie is increasingly violent, most likely due to a ghost bullet in her leg from right before she was hired (this is the slaughter, which is war and senseless violence/murder). she hates jon because she is stuck working for the institute forever (you cant leave or you'll like. get increasingly more sickly or something like that). basira spends a lot of time in the institute library. jon realizes that he can Know things randomly now. he also starts needing to read statements in the way that we need food and sometimes kinda is not so great to (random) people when he's especially lacking

oh my turns out there is a word limit to these things!! whoopsie doo there is more so get ready ig

[aliensunflower-fics]

How to Exploit Kindness [A New Kind of Lila Salt Prompt]

[ Ive seen Lila and Class salt that goes a lot of different ways. In some Lilas a sad lonely girl who will do anything for friends and the class fall for her lies through a mixture of manipulation and Lila’s genuine sad lonely but real persona. In others Lila is insane and the class get basically sucked into her cult. And in others still, Lila slowly breaks the class down by preying on there insecurities, hidden jealousies ect. There are the versions where Lila just bribes the class with connections and the versions where Lila frames Marinette until no one believes her. But I wanted to write a new idea for people to use, one that I feel is a bit more realistic. One where Marinette’s classmates are more their more authentic kind selves but still get slowly pulled into Lila’s web and where Lila is just a bit more intelligent. ]

[ As usual with all my prompts feel free to borrow the idea to write for your own thing salt, sugar, cuteness angst ect just be sure to credit me for the idea so I can read it. ]

Lila was furious! This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! She was supposed to be everyone's friend! She was supposed to finally get a cute perfect boyfriend who would cherish her like she deserved! She was supposed to be HAPPY! But no, the pathetic beetle Ladybug and that goody two shoes Marinette kept ruining everything!

No… No that wasn’t quite true. As much as she wanted to blame her problems on those two it wasn’t entirely their faults. Honestly Lila wasn’t quite sure what had happened. Her lies had been working at first, they had gotten her praise and compliments and adoration and friendship! But now? Now they were all ignoring her, unimpressed by her celeb lies! She could not understand it! At first she’d been sure it was Marinette or Ladybug maybe even Adrien had turned on her! But when she’d probed for information she’d learned that none of them had blown the whistle. So what was it! Tomorrow… Tomorrow she will find out one way or another. She needed to get them back under her thumb somehow.

 It was Chloe who gave Lila her answers. Chloe was the reason none of her classmates cared about her stories! Chloe was the idiot mayor's brat. And what a brat she was constantly wiggling her way into her mothers fashion shoots or had celebrities over at the hotel. Of course Lila’s classmates didn’t care about Lila’s celebrity connections because Chloe was always name dropping just as many people as herself. The only difference was Lila used fake modesty and shyness that made her ‘friends’ view her lies in less of a gloating light than Chloe’s haughty claims of celebrity meetings.

It was a damn shame, celebrity lies were her bread and butter, they were exciting got people to think you were important and they were hard to prove or disprove allowing Lila to easily get around the messy little detail of ‘proof’ if someone asked for pictures all she could say was that her mom didn't let her take any because she didn't want her precious daughter being targeted by crazy fans. And if someone asked her to use her celebrity connections? Well she could just turn on the water works and cry about them just being her friend for her connections. Thus her prey would be forced to be her ‘friend’ , always listening to her and doing things for her, unable to ask for anything in return. Then when her mother announced their next move Lila would tearfully say goodbye and leave all her suckers behind. But without the sway of her celebrity lies her system broke down. That was the problem with picking the school full of rich talented idiots she supposed.

Well with Chloe ruining her system she’d need a new one. Scrolling through her classmates' social media for a clue she sneered at their overly cheerful and cutesy posts. Always encouraging one another and posting encouraging puff pieces about this or that. Always acting like they were so nice. As Lila scrolled over a charity fundraiser event that Alya had retweeted from Milene a sudden thought crossed her mind. Her classmates were very ‘nice’ and annoyingly so. They were always butting into each other's business, always being SO concerned, always organizing events to help each other and appreciate each other and going to charity events.

In fact now that she thought about it the stories that had intrigued her ‘friends’ always had some sort of charity garbage attached. Saving Jagged’s kitten or raising money for some cause or other that always got her heaps of praise. Sure saying Clara whatshername stole her dance moves got attention but not in the same way saying she raised money for some green project. Was it really that simple? Sure her classmates all loved Marinette for her extreme generosity and kindness but was it REALLY that simple? She needed to check.

 It was actually that easy. One simple little lie about how she pulled a blind old man out of danger when he was nearly run over and suddenly the class was bathing her in praise. And the ‘fact’ that the whole very real thing made her miss first period and sprain her ankle? Well that was just the cherry on top. Suddenly Max was offering her a copy of his notes and everyone was back to caring for her like she was a princess. The fact that Marinette looked like she was seething only for sweet naive Adrien to keep her mouth shut was just so perfect. She’d found her golden ticket. Her classmates were truly ‘good kind people’ and nothing could be exploited quite like kindness.

With this knowledge Lila would easily be able to destroy Marinette, sure she wouldn’t be able to do it quickly but slowly she would replace her, with every good deed she made up with every act of false modesty she would build a reputation greater than Marinette’s she would replace her and become there new ‘everyday ladybug’ and the best part was she wouldn’t have to say ANYTHING against Marinette. Not. A. Thing. No sweet righteous Marinette would eventually snap, sadly for her it would probably be too late with how much control Adrien had over her, so when it happened Marinette would look like the jealous crazy girl going after the girl that was kinder, sweeter, and better than herself. As for Adrien… Well she had a hard time believing it at first but he really was an idiot with a pretty face as long as she was careful as she built her new reputation he would genuinely believe that she was changing for the better and then he'd fall for her.

The best part was, her classmates were genuine. As she built her new good girl heart of gold persona they would genuinely come to love her, all the loyalty Marinette got to enjoy all the perks of being friends with such talented, kind, sweet people would become hers. Slowly no matter how Marinette struggled she would lose, eventually she’d have nothing left. Of course she’d need to be careful with her lies but that was easy. Bring the class to a charity here and there and tell them that she was the one who gave the idea for the charity to the actual organizer but didn't want any credit because she was just that kind and humble. If they tried to make her do actual work then she’d have a sudden accident that would require she sit down.

And then once she’d done more photoshoots with Adrien for Gabriel she’d ‘convince’ the man that a charity would make him look good and boost sales. She’d MAKE her lies true all while winning over her future father in law, and heck maybe she’d even pocket a little of the money, she could use a better wardrobe and the extra would be perfect to buy her ‘friends’ the occasional ice cream or presents. In between that she’d just lie about saving people or volunteering on weekends. Maybe even let it ‘slip’ how she was a temp hero for Ladybug . One of the sweetest parts was that between volunteering with Lila, there own activities and hanging out with Lila so she could ‘thank them for their hard work’ no one would be spending a second hanging out with sweet pink little Marinette, they'd abandon her without even realizing it because they’d be SO busy. Sadly this plan of hers would take a little more work then her others, but it would be worth it to become the queen bee of the class- NO the school! And when Marinette eventually slipped up and looked like the biggest jealous bully in the school. Well she’d have no choice but to leave the school with her tail in between her legs.

Victory was looking sweet and satisfying.

 [ And where it goes from here is up to you. Lila can win, she can slowly convince the class and school that she's a model citizen and an everyday hero. She can sneakily maneuver the class to not spend time with Marinette slowly separating the girl from her friends. In this way Alya and the rest of them don't become evil salty versions of themselves who overnight hate Marinette and love Lila, but rather they are good naive people who got slowly separated and tricked by someone who wants to use their genuine talents and skills to make herself look better. Adrien who is already shown to be naive and wants to believe the best in people, can fall into Lila’s trap and become genuinely convinced that his high road method really worked and ‘reformed’ Lila into a better person. OR Lila can fail, she can claim to be the wrong temporary hero for ladybug, or she can pick the wrong charity to lie about, or get exposed any number of ways and the class can realize with horror that because they are kind but flawed people who are perhaps too trusting and gullible that they got pulled away from Marinette through subtle manipulation and so they can be redeemed because instead of turning into outright bullies they stayed the same kind people they always were but just got genuinely tricked which is something that can actually happen in real life. You can go heavy salt where Marinette does eventually leave the school or class heartbroken that her kind friends have fallen prey to a bad person Marinette cant find a way to expose. Or you can go clever salt where Marinette figures out Lila’s plan and fights her from the inside slowly exposing the cracks in her facade. Or you can go sugar and redemption where maybe just maybe Lila actually LIKES being nice to people and having real friends who dont care about her fake celeb connections, maybe she honestly redeems herself and even makes amends with Marinette. You can do genuinely anything with this idea and I hope to see this generate some new less *and suddenly everyone is evil* content for those that like salt and angst. ]

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[ri-ahhh]

Okay, but with Grayson complaining about being lonely and wanting a girlfriend I CANT HELP but to think about how horny he probably is on top of that. Like- its been on my mind for days, so can you PLEASE write something about gray meeting a bitch, like through friend or something, and realizing he likes her and then having these dirty thoughts about her, and like he doesn't want to but he just cant help it... I will die and love you forever, you're writing is my absouloute favortie.

Ur so sweet babe haha thank you😊 hope this is along the lines of what you wanted.

Getting his dick wet has never been a problem for Grayson Dolan; not since receiving his first sloppy, inexperienced blowjob when he was on tour at the tender age of 16. There’s been a steady flow of girls in and out of his life ever since, fulfilling both his needs sexually and the fleeting desire for noncommittal intimacy. And that’s how he likes it for the longest time. Easy and no-strings-attached.

But he’s older now, and even though quarantine hadn’t stopped him from hitting up his favorite one or two booty calls every now and then, he feels empty in a way that’s becoming all-too familiar. It’s not a new feeling, but every time he leaves their homes (because that’s his number one rule — hookups stay out of his bed), there’s a longing that wasn’t satisfied and that’s becoming more and more apparent to him.

So he stops fucking around — literally. He believes in the power of the mind and manifestation almost to a fault, and considers that maybe he’s letting casual hookups interfere with what he really wants: companionship.

It seems like a breeze at first. Grayson swears he feels lighter, clearer in the head, more focused on what he wants out of his life. He puts his mind to being the best version of himself and hoping that it’s enough to attract the same kind of person that he can put all of his love and effort into in return.

As months roll on, however, he realizes that sometimes the universe just doesn’t listen right away. And for the first time in his life, Grayson discovers the monotony and reality of what it’s like for the ‘regular’ guys out there, whose only sexual pleasure comes from their own hand and the porn category of choice for the night. He was used to that as a filler, for sure, but not as his one and only outlet.

Plain and simple, he’s horny. All the time. Which makes him grumpy, and irritable, and frustrated with both himself and everything around him. So when Ethan tells him in passing that his girlfriend is flying in from New York with her friend to visit, it just makes him grunt. The fact that his brother is in such a happy and healthy relationship himself is a point of contention for Grayson in his head. He’s thrilled for Ethan, but he can’t help but dwell on the creeping jealousy in his chest. Here he is, starved for both intimacy and sex now, and Ethan will get served both of those the following night in excess while Grayson lies in his bed alone.

The next night, they’re all having dinner at the kitchen table — all four of them, including her. The friend. The friend that Ethan had mentioned would be coming but that Grayson had so brusquely ignored. The friend that had his eyebrows raised the second she walked shyly through his front door, drawn in immediately by her beauty.

The friend he can’t keep his eyes off of now as she goes to town on the roasted sweet potatoes and black bean burgers he had made himself. She’s quiet but witty and has a cute laugh that makes his heart flutter a little in a way he hasn’t experienced in a long time.

He feels a nudge against his ribs, and startles when he jerks to the side to see Ethan staring at him pointedly with a knowing little smile on his lips.

“You’ve got ketchup on your shirt, bro,” he says, nodding to the blob of red on Grayson’s white shirt that had dropped from the forkful of sweet potatoes, which had only made it halfway to his mouth as he listened to her talk.

“Shit,” he mumbles embarrassedly, flushing a color near the tomato-red that’s now stained his shirt. Of course, the first time he’s feeling real feelings around a beautiful girl, he has to revert to awkward, clumsy Grayson rather smooth, relaxed Grayson.

He starts to scrub up the mess with his napkin, but she reaches out from her seat across the table from him and grabs his wrist in her petite hand. “Oop, wait! Dab, don’t swipe, or you’ll make it worse. I know how to get that out as long as it’s not smeared around into the fabric.”

Grayson swallows, his arm flaring with goosebumps at her gentle but insistent touch, but tries to keep his cool. She’s grinning at him amusedly, then sits back in her seat when Grayson follows her instructions.

“I thought ketchup was one of those things that you’re just kinda fucked if you get it on your clothes, Ethan says, filling the silence left by his brother.

She shakes her head. “Nope. Peroxide will get it right out, especially if you wash it after. Do you have any?”

Ethan cocks a brow and looks at Grayson, hoping he’ll use the opportunity to speak to her. Thankfully, he does, even if it is lacking a little bit of gracefulness. “Huh, peroxide? Oh... uh, yeah, I — yeah, in my bathroom.”

“I’ll help you when we’re all done, if you want,” she offers before taking a modest bite of her burger.

Grayson nods, and can’t help but watch the way she sucks a bit of barbecue sauce off her thumb once she swallows. His heart picks up and he has to shift in his seat a little when she winks at him, his pants tightening under the table. Damn it. He’s been trying to avoid that reaction and those thoughts, determined to do this right.

He fixes a smile to his lips, and hopes his face isn’t giving him away. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

Everyone helps clean up the table and dishes, and Grayson leads her into his room while they leave the other two to have some alone time. He prays that he made his bed that morning and that there’s no dirty underwear on the floor or used tissues on the nightstand.

Luckily, the floor is relatively clear, and the bed is made, if haphazardly so. She follows him into the en-suite bathroom and watches him dig under the cabinet in the first aid bucket he has down there.

She’s wearing jean shorts and a loose-knit sweater, and when Grayson starts to stand back up he takes a moment to appreciate the tone in the muscles of her legs and the flashes of skin he can see through her top, hoping he isn’t being too obvious.

She takes the brown bottle from him and tugs on the hem of his shirt. “It’ll be easier if you take this off.”

Grayson nods, and can’t help the laugh that escapes him when she turns her back to him. “What are you doing?”

“Giving you your modesty! I don’t know you, for all I know you might be super insecure.”

“At the risk of sounding like a total douche, I promise I’m not,” he answers, reaching behind his neck to tug the collar up and over his head. “Here you go.”

She turns back around, and Grayson doesn’t miss the way her eyes travel over his sculpted torso. He can’t help but smirk a little, thrilled at the cute blush that tinges her cheeks when she meets his eyes and realizes she’s been caught.

He hasn’t had a woman look at him like that in months, however, and he’s grateful when she tells him, “This will need to go in the laundry tonight if you want to make sure the stain comes out, so you’ll need another shirt anyways.”

It gives him an out to duck into his closet, taking a moment to collect himself before grabbing the first T-shirt his hand touches and slipping it over his head.

“Cold water first,” she informs, smiling at him through the mirror when he re-emerges as she leans over the sink with the water running. She shuts off the water and squeeze out the excess, then takes the peroxide and pours some onto the stain.

“Woah,” Grayson says, eyebrows raised in surprise at the fizzing bubbles visibly picking up the bright red from the fibers of his shirt. “Where did you learn this trick?”

“I work in the toddler room at a daycare. We keep this stuff on sight and scene to avoid 20 outfit changes a day on a few two year-olds. I’m sure you can imagine the amount of ketchup and blood stains a toddler procures on the daily.”

Grayson chuckles. He feels himself growing more fond of her by the second. “You like kids?”

“I love them,” she replies with a grin. “Working in childcare is pretty rough, but it’s been a great college job. Lots of experience for my degree. And, you know, good practice for the future one day.”

If he hadn’t been sold by now, that does it. Beautiful, smart, and good with kids?

He takes a moment to assess himself and his thoughts. He doesn’t think he’s letting his dick lead him right now, even if he does want her that way. He’s just as attracted to her mind as he is the curves of her body and the features of her pretty face, and finds himself wanting to talk to her for hours on end.

He doesn’t realize there’s a heated silence, both of them standing there staring at each other, until she clears her throat and holds up his shirt. Grayson glances down at it to see just a faint brown rim around what use to be a bright red mark. “All done.”

“Thank you,” he says, taking it from her and tossing it in his laundry basket. “Come on, hopefully we don’t walk into something we can’t unsee.”

“You make a pretty good meat shield,” she says jokingly, following close behind him. “All big and broad. I can just hide behind you and keep my eyes unscarred.”

Grayson laughs loudly, his ego swelling, and he has to resist the urge to take her hand in his. That would be too much. Right?

Thankfully, the couple is just cuddling innocently on the loveseat when they enter the living room.

“Movie?” Ethan asks when the two of them settle on the couch, a respectful and calculated distance between them — not too close and not too far.

“Sure.”

They’re all in a fun and lighthearted mood tonight, so they settle on Moana. Grayson wants nothing more than to throw his arm around the beautiful girl next to him, who sings along playfully to the songs she knows, her enthusiastic movements shuffling her closer to him. He doesn’t know if it’s intentional, but he doesn’t really care; her presence in both body and spirit feels good to him.

Ethan’s girlfriend only makes it about halfway through the movie before she’s passed out, tired from the long flight earlier that day. He looks down at her fondly and chuckles when he sees her nuzzled sound asleep against his chest.

“I’m gonna take her to bed,” he announces quietly before standing with her in his arms. “Goodnight, guys.”

They both murmur back “goodnight” and watch Ethan disappear down the hall. The movie plays on for a couple of minutes, before she’s turning to him and making small talk. Which turns into broader conversation about bigger things. Which leads to them settling so close that their knees touch. She finds an excuse to pick an invisible fleck of something off his hand, which turns into their fingers playing with each other’s teasingly.

Which turns to Grayson checking his watch in a quiet but not unpleasant lull, and muttering, “Oh, shit,” in surprise.

She checks her phone lying on the couch cushion behind her. The time shines back at her 1:27 AM.

“Damn, when did it get so late?” she wonders aloud, looking at him amusedly.

Grayson shakes his head. “Time flies,” he says. Whether it’s the late hour, or him getting his mojo back, or just the fact that he’s so naturally comfortable with her, he suddenly feels bold enough to reach out and tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. “Are you tired?”

She blushes and bites her lip, allowing him to keep his warm palm pressed to her neck while his thumb strokes the ridge of her jaw gently.

“Not really,” she answers, scooting that much closer to him. “Not ready to go to my bed, anyways.”

She’s referring to the guest room she’s already settled her things into. Grayson smiles. Rules be damned, he thinks, until he realizes in the next moment that there’s no way this amazing girl is going to be just a hookup. There’s no rule to be broken.

“Why don’t you come to mine, then?”

[storysofmyown]

Seven stages of love Chapter 3: Ludus

Summary: Ever since the Celestial War, since they all fell, Asmodeus has  dedicated himself to his sin. Not caring about anything else, but  drowning himself in the pleasure and ecstasy of it all. But not anymore,  now he cant even handle the idea of it. But, what else is there to want? After so long of having indulged in his sin, what is there than  Asmodeus is looking for, something that will fill him, and that wont  drive him to destruction? Perhaps his brothers can help him with that. Warnings will appear in each chapter.

Trigger Warnings: Self depricatement (?), anger, mentions of exhaustion. Please tell me if I forgot to add one.

Word Count: 3278

Read on ao3

It had been at the very least an hour, and Asmodeus eyes had yet to focus on the damn page in front of him. His eyes were looking at the words. He was reading and he knew what each word meant, but it all felt like his brain refused to understand what was in front of him. He read the same word over and over again but in his mind all he could think about was Leviathans words and what it all meant to him. His heart rate had been calmer than ever before, but that didn’t mean it was good. That only meant that he was in such a state of confusion he had to look up from the book to realize he was in Satan’s room. A faint memory came to mind of him waking up in the middle of the day and making his way here. But…it was all fuzzy. Perhaps the best way to describe it would be to say it felt like his memories were submerged underwater. There was a faint recognition of things, words, and moments, a faint recognition of his own feelings…of the things that had presented themselves, and how distant they felt to him.

But, it all just felt so out of place. He knew his body was somewhere in the House of Lamentation, but his mind was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Almost as if it was traveling through a cosmic place with all the answers he could ever need; to all the questions he could ever ask. But instead of looking at the answers, he was in the middle. Just starring at the everything of the world through the eyes of an spectator, and not through the eyes of someone that had his own live. Perhaps, if he just reached out into the overwhelming darkness of the water that submerged his entire being, he would feel better. But how to reach out to the unknown? What if what laid on the other end was worse than what he knew now? In the end he let out an audible groan and set the book back on the stand, a pout on his lips.

“This is impossible!” He was incredibly tired. His eyes heavy and mind completely gone as he yawned and turned to Satan who was smiling foolishly at his book. That’s right, Satan had stayed in the room as well, but it’s not like either of them had registered each other’s presence. He had tuned out of the world entirely, and he was sure Satan had done the same. Speaking of which, the blond demon had muttered something under his breath, before proceeding to chuckle.

How in the world did he manage to pay attention to something for so long, Asmodeus wondered, before a sigh escaped his lips as he decided he should just give up this meaningless search that had become his life. Maybe it was time he finally accepted that there was no way he would ever understand the yearning that had kept him awake for so many years in the house. The aching to be simply hugged by someone who wanted to hug him. Perhaps that’s how he was meant to be for eternity. Had his father made it so he would end up as the Avatar of Lust as a punishment so that Asmodeus never felt that?

“Please, you don’t believe him, right?”

Satan spoke once again. Making Asmodeus raise an eyebrow at him as he decided it was enough self-deprecating for a day. Leviathan had made him question his existence enough the other day. And so, he proceeded to approach Satan, standing behind the demons couch and looking over his shoulder at the pages of the book.

“What are you reading?” Satan jumped, hitting Asmodeus in the face with his book, making the lustful demon groan a little as his hand flew to his face, tears burning on the corner of his eyes as he glared at Satan.  “What was that for?!” His comment effectively making the wrathful demon glare.

“Why were you reading over my shoulder?!” He snapped, glaring harder at Asmodeus which only made him scoff.

“I just wanted to know what you were reading, you jerk!” Satan stared at his brothers in confusion for a moment.

“…I thought you had gone back to your room already.” Satan’s sighs as he calms down, sitting in his original position.

“Well,” Asmodeus walked around the couch before propping himself on the other end of it. “you can be quite scary when we barrow your books. Hence why I was going to read it here and then go but…”

“But?”

“…I don’t know. I guess I just don’t have the attention span to spend hours reading.” Asmodeus shrugged, sitting on the couch before resting his back against the armrest, letting his head fall back as he stared at the ceiling. Breathing slower with each passing second, eyes drifting closed.

He was exhausted.

His eyes were heavy. He wasn’t hungry at all even if he had yet to eat anything since waking up. He was so incredibly tired, but during the night he couldn’t sleep. Part of him felt like it had been carrying with the same weight as Beel carried for hours on end, simultaneously feeling  like his legs wouldn’t be able to take him anywhere. It didn’t help that his brothers had been acting so strange with all the space…but perhaps it was his fault for worrying them. After all, Belphie and Levi probably already had told the rest of their findings. Satan was the only one that still treated him with some degree of normality. And even so he knew he was trying to act…gentler with him.

“…you wanted to know to what the book was about?”

Heh, another confirmation of his suspicions. Satan’s voice made Asmo sit up, looking at his brother with a raised eyebrow before nodding. He might as well try to act like his whole world had not fallen apart a few nights ago and unlike each passing day was eating him alive to the point where even the simplest task would make him go into a frenetic state. Oh well, might as well try to keep up the act. He looked at Satan before nodding, the demon not letting go unnoticed the lack of usual spark his younger brother had.

“Yes!”

“Well, in that case” Satan sighed, closing the book and looking at the back, examining it for a few seconds before nodding once more. “Very well, the story is about those two strangers.” He starts, looking at Asmodeus. “Two strangers that become the most important thing the other has.”

“Eh?” Asmodeus answered involuntarily. Shifting in his sit as he looked at Satan properly now. It was a…interesting concept.

Two strangers. They meet in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by everyone yet no one at all. The voices are echoed by how confused and lonely they are. But then…then they see each other. Satan said that they didn’t necessarily feel the sentiments that that word imply. That word...the one that kept coming back to him and placing itself against everything Asmodeus knew. That same word was plastered all over the book, in each page, and even in the cover. But even so, Satan stated the book claimed to not be that. He said…it was about some kind of…superficial sentiment. Some kind of crush they had. A brief moment of passion the two shared for one another after just that one moment.

Satan went on to describe their journey. And how as they slowly got to know each other they started to actually fall into a more intense feeling. But, to be fair, Asmodeus had stopped listening the moment Satan had said the first few sentences. Two strangers. Two complete unknown persons, and yet they managed to feel a certain type of affection towards one another. From all the people he had met, to all those he had merely shared a bed with. No names exchanged, no number, no way to see each other again, to those recurring visitors whom he had even their birthmarks memorized…he didn’t feel like that with any of them.

Were there people that could actually experience that type of devotion? Perhaps it was all just made up. Yeah, there was no way that existed. Have a sudden romantic infatuation for one another? Just like that?! No, Asmodeus refused to believe something like that could happen. It didn’t make sense at all!

“…are you even listening?” Satan’s voice finally registered as he sighed, closing the book and setting it down. “You are free to leave if you are that bored-“

“I don’t understand.”

“You weren’t listening to me. Of course you wont understand.”

“What? No, that’s not what I mean!” Asmodeus protested, half glaring at Satan now. Damn it, he was so damn confused. First Leviathan told him there was an entirely different kind section of that word, which was reserved for friendship, and platonic relationships. And now Satan told him that it was possible for two people to fall in adoration with one another although they were complete strangers?! He could have sworn that each time he learned something new it just helped to…to make him despise his sin even more.

Asmodeus took the book from Satan’s hand, the bookmark he had placed neatly between the pages falling, the page being lost as Asmodeus opened the book and scanned the first page, almost immediately devouring the content of the book like Beel would do with a restaurant if not stopped.

“…I was reading that” Satan protested, glaring at Asmodeus as he got to take the bookmark from the floor. The demon turned to place it on a table, before looking at Asmodeus. He had bag under his eyes. Something his brother would have never let be shown in the past, or let it be seen by anyone at the very least. Be it by an extensive amount of makeup or by his hour-long beauty regimen, it was strange for Asmodeus to let show anything that he deemed a “flaw” in his skin. And the way he was reading the book…he was desperate. A desperation Satan had certainly never seen in any of his family members to this day. “…you can give it back once you are done.”

“Mhm, yeah” Asmodeus answered briefly as he got up and walked over to the door, hitting the wall on his way out as his eyes refused to leave the page.

For the next 4 days, Asmodeus did nothing but be enthralled on the pages of the book. To be fair, he had finished it on the second day, but he had been rereading it. Over, and over again. Each time more vigorously than the last, his eyes jumped entire paragraphs he knew gave no useful information to the questions he needed answers to. How could two strangers fall in such a way for one another? How could it be that two complete strangers could experience more feelings on their first meeting than he had on his long life?! From the celestial realm to this very moment, the only feeling he could remember was that of lust and perhaps pity…sadness. No other feeling had ever made its way to him in the nights before, but now, now it was different. He felt something, and he wanted a certain feeling.

To him it was almost a lie. From all his experiences, never had any of the demons or demoness he had been with looked at him with something other than lust. They never sought to make a conversation that went past the names and the “where are we doing this?” In his mind it was impossible that a feeling so deep be felt so easily. Because if it did…then what would that say about him?

On the fifth night, as the dusk hit the Devildom, under what was the bleak light of the stars coming through the window, Asmodeus finished the book for the third time. His eyes focusing on the very last line. Those words. Those three simple words being muttered from one person to another. And no more words. Not an explanation, not a reason, not even a damn hint of why they felt like that on that very night. Asmodeus could feel some tears burning on his eyes as he glared at the book and threw it on the nightstand beside his bed. The stupid book had only left him with the same exact question that had been plaguing his mind from the night of his revelation. He hid under his covers, ignoring the ache of his heart, and went to sleep, only to dream of his inner broken, soul, and the void.

The next day, he went to Satan’s room to give him his book back. Praying to the father that had hurt them for the demon to not be on his room and he wouldn’t need to even mutter a word. But of course, that wasn’t the case.

“Ah, Asmodeus, I’m guessing you finished the book?” Satan’s voice was heard, prompting a sigh from Asmodeus as he fully stepped onto the room. The demon was on the high end of a stepladder, reaching for one of the top shelves.

“…yeah.” He spoke on a defeated tone.

“Did you enjoy it?” Satan asked, looking at one of the books, taking it out of the shelve and dusting it off. Asmodeus thought for a second. Had he enjoyed it? Well, its not like he was all that invested in the story. His focus was more on finding answers than it was on indulging into the story. And so, he couldn’t even recall the name of the characters, or the name of the book. Much less if he had enjoyed its content. But if he had to give an answer… “Asmo-?”

“No” They spoke at the same time. Setting the book down on the table, just as Satan looked down at Asmo, raising an eyebrow. He was about to ask why, but it would seem Asmo beat him to it. “How can two complete strangers feel something like that?!” He spoke, not even having given his brother another look, passing around the restlessly . Asmodeus tone increased slightly as he walked around the couch, hands moving and gesturing to the book. “Isn’t that sentiment supposed to be worked and developed with time as you get to know the person?! Isn’t it supposed to take years for people to finally realize the extent of their true feelings for another person?! It can’t be that simple! It can’t be as simple as walking into some place and making eye contact and just…and feeling it!”

“You don’t have to shout!” Satan spoke louder as well, before sighing as he watched Asmodeus shoulders drop and look away. For a moment Satan stayed silent as he analyzed Asmodeus words, thinking back to what he had read of the book before finally speaking. “…they didn’t fall for each other. At least not at first.” He states, starting to go down the steps of the ladder.

“Eh?!” Well that was a lie, Asmodeus thought. “Yes they did. The book describes it the first time they meet! They-”

“And upon their eyes meeting it was like the music faded. The bodies dancing around became shadows, all surrounded in black like the rest of their lives, only for the still barely noticeable grayish color the other made them see. With each step they took towards the other, the color became more vibrant, bright. They were like fire on a pitch black room for the other, and they smiled. For the first time, it wasn’t a calm or sweet smile. It was a nervous awkward smile, as they barely managed to announce their names. As they barely managed to exist close to the other.”

Satan finished quoting the book, making Asmodeus stare blankly at the demon as he frowned.

“Show off...” he remarked under his breath, just as Satan reached the last step, sighing. Instead of hopping onto the ground and walking over to Asmodeus he sat down, giving Asmo a look that made him step closer.

“The way it was described, the nervousness and awkwardness…I don't think they fell for each other, at least not in that very moment. Sure, they wanted to meet and get to know the other. And they found the other interesting, and upon that conversation is that they became important to one another…but I don’t think it was as intense as you think it was. It felt more…innocent.”

Innocence…that was something Asmodeus used to be familiar with. But he had lost touch with it the moment his body hit the grounds of the Devildom. Once he discovered this new world and all the things his body was capable of…the things his body wanted, he become detached from that part. Never did he imagine he would be missing that side of him. The side that didn’t need to be touched to be validated, and simply spending time laughing and talking would be enough to make him feel important. He wished he could go back to the moments where he wasn’t aware of anything at all. He missed not being himself. How cruel of the universe. To put right in front of him the description of what he had felt during those first encounters…the feeling he no longer experienced. The feeling of being alive as his skin was set ablaze by the wonderful sensations now he would hid from.

“…how cruel.” Asmodeus whispered, as he proceeded to sit beside Satan on the same step, resting his head on his brothers’ shoulder without thinking, their shoulders bumped together as Satan looked carefully at his brother.

“Cruel?” He raises an eyebrow.

“So…at first…they really didn’t feel anything for each other?”

“…I wouldn’t say that. They certainly felt something…but it isn’t the type of sentiment you thought it was. Truth be told…I think those two were so desperate to feel happiness and desired…that they fell in **** with the idea of a relationship and being wanted…and then it slowly morphed into what they had at the end. True, absolute devotion.”

Asmodeus stayed quiet at the mention of the word. But on his mind, there was such a turmoil that only grew with each passing moment. He didn’t know what he was missing. But he knew that when he found it, he would feel…whole. But each time he went to try and find it, he only came back with a bigger puzzle to resolve and with barely any pieces to put it together. With barely any grasping understanding of the subject that was torturing him night after night.

“…I still don’t understand.” He pouted, making Satan chuckle as he leaned back, resting his weight on his elbows as he tilted his head back, looking at the ceiling.

“Yeah, I think that’s the point. It isn’t something that we are ever going to understand. Not fully, at the very least, it’s just…it’s just something that is.” Satan sighed, before looking back at Asmo who still had the same expression. A lost one. “…but that’s better. In my opinion, at least. What fun is there to have in a question that is so easily answered?” Satan merely got a hum out of Asmo this time.

But the demon was listening. And he was wondering. Perhaps his brother was right…but he was not about to give up finding a concrete answer. After all, it was the only thing driving him at this point.

Ludus: Flirtation, playful, lively. The discovery of a crush, its rooted on having fun.

****

Hello~, I hope you all had enjoyed this chapter. This chapter was so hard to write, honestly. Mainly because I didnt know how to have Satan make the connection and explain it to Asmo, but here it is, and I really hope you all enjoyed it! next chapter will be published on Saturday like usual, until then!

Previous chapter

Next Chapter

Other works

[fallen420]

Rebel Spy - Chapter 7: It’s Always Nothing

Description: Auroras life becomes lonely after the war ends but when a familiar Mandalorain needs her help who is she to refuse.

prologue chapter 1 chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4 chapter 5 chapter 6

playlist

"A lady's man?"

"That's what it says on the tracking forb." Mando sits at the table cleaning my blaster after getting mad at me for supposedly doing it wrong.

I feed the kid another dried frog, "You know I can't wait until one of these bounties has a thing for Mandalorians then we can use you as bait."

"You're not bait."

I sigh, "What do you want me to do?"

"He likes going to this- this club."

"A club?"

"Yes, a club."

"Stars, I haven't been to one of those in years. So what, I flirt with him get him outside and you take it from there?"

"If he doesn't find you out like the last time."

"Not my fault that creep touched me. Seeing you punch him in the face made it worth it though."

Mando lets out a chuckle. I wonder what he sounds like without the modulator. Is his voice still all hoarse and husky or is it softer and lighter?

"He deserved it." He hands me my blaster.

"Thanks, even though I could of done it myself."

"You were doing it wrong."

"Oh, whatever."

-

This club is loud. I haven't been to one in years but I do not remember them being this loud. People are drinking, dancing, talking. Everyone is young and having the time of their lives and I'm here working.

The comlink is in my ear however this time its a lot smaller.

"What does he look like again?"

"Blonde, blue eyes."

"Gonna need more than that Mando."

"Uh, he has a scar on his cheek."

"There's hundreds of people in here this might take a while."

I sit at the bar and order a drink. I look around the club and I spot a Twi'lek and all it does it remind me of her and just pisses me off.

The bartender puts my drink in front of me.

"Thanks."

"So huh, what brings you here?" Can't I just have a drink?

"A ship." He laughs not sensing the sarcasm at all.

"Whats you're name?"

"Jana."

"Liar," Mando says into the comlink

"I'm Max."

"Good for you." He gets the hint and walks away.

"You didn't have to be so mean."

"Oh, shut up."

"He's walking in."

He walks in like he owns the place and no matter how much he annoys me I have to get him to like me.

I make sure to make eye connect and give him my best fake smile. He walks over and sits right next to me. Guys are so easy.

"I haven't seen a beautiful woman in here for years, you must not be from around here." Smooth.

"I'm not actually."

"So what brings you here?"

"Just working. Thought I'd take the night off come out. Maybe see if I can get lucky."

He smirks, "I'm Axe." Stars even his name is annoying.

"Jana."

"Pretty just like you."

"You're not bad yourself," Before I can suggest getting out of here so Mando can get him apparently Mando is already a step ahead of me by bursting in and punching the guy in the face knocking him out insistently. Everyone stops what they're doing to watch as Mando cuffs the guy and pulls me out of there.

"What the fuck was that?" I ask once we get outside. He just grunts and walks even faster then he normally does, "I thought we had a plan."

"Plan changed."

"Could've of informed me."

"You seemed busy."

We both walk back to the ship angry.

When we get on the razor crest he puts the guy in the carbonite block.

"Seriously though what the hell?" Nothing, "I had it under control you didn't have to do that." My voice is louder then it usually is due to the anger and confusion.

"Sounded like you were having fun."

"Well, I wasn't! You think I wanted to be flirting with him?"

"It sure sounded like it." If never heard Mando so mad before he's not even raising his voice but by the tone of it boy is he mad.

"I'm good at lying I was a spy remember?"

"Has anything you told me been true?" He gets quieter like he's scared of the answer. Scared of what I'll say or how I'll react to the question.

"Are you serious?" the anger is my voice is pure. I feel my blood boil. How dare he even ask something like that, "Oh, that's real rich coming from you. I don't even know your name and you're accusing me of not telling the truth. Everything I've told you has been true you asshole. Why are you even mad I was flirting with him anyway?"

"Because-" He stops himself. One thing about Mando is that he doesn't say anything he doesn't want to. "I just-"

"Well?"

"Nothing."

"It's always nothing isn't it?" He doesn't say anything and he just storms off to his cot.

I sit down in my cot. I look down at the kid who is just staring at me, "Tomorrow should be fun."

-

Tomorrow, however, doesn't come as fast as I would like.

The thought that Mando might be mad at me is killing me even though I should be the one mad at him.

Well, I am mad at him. If anyone should be getting a bad night's sleep it's him.

Why is he mad that me though? Why did he storm in? Did he not think I can handle it? No, he knows I can handle myself he's seen it.

Was he-? No. He can't be. I mean yes he's made a few jokes here and there but that's what they were jokes.

But Mando doesn't say anything unless he wants too.

Was he jealous I was flirting with someone else? Just like I was with her? I was only doing it to get the bounty it's not like I wanted to be flirting with him? I would much rather be flirting with Mando but-

No, Mandalorians don't feel things.

I'm too lost in my thoughts to hear Mando's door open.

I feel a hand on my ankle. I practically jump out of my skin. I jump up so fast not only do I wake up the kid I hit my head on the shelf making the kid next to my stir and wake up.

"Ow! Mando what the hell?!"

"Din."

"What?"

"Din. That's my name I want you to use it."

He just told me his name. He trusts me enough to know his name.

"Oh," Get over the shock Aurora, "Okay, What the hell Din?!"

"Sorry, cyar'ika, didn't mean to scare you."

"I'm not complaining about finally knowing your name but I didn't think a headache would come with it."

The kid giggles at me. He always seems to laugh at my pain.

"Sorry."

"It's okay, Din." It feels a lot more natural then Mando ever did.

He placed his bare hand on mine and I immediately feel warm, it feels like home, it feels natural.

"Go to sleep cyar'ika."

"Only if you tell me what that means."

He sighs. I feel his whole body tense. He's scared again. I don't know why he's scared if anything I should be the scared one.

"It can mean different things like uh- darling, sweetheart, um- beloved."

Oh.

Oh.

Stars do I wanna tell them. I wanna tell him things I haven't said since Alderaan but I'm so god damn scared.

He just told you his name Aurora cant you give something back.

Oh, stars he staring at you now wondering what the hell you're thinking.

It's pretty dark in here but I can make out the silhouette of his helmet. I place my hand on the side of his helmet. My heart is racing and it feels like time has slowed down. It's just us. And the kid staring wonder whats happening. Honestly me too kid.

"Cyar'ika," he says it as a whisper like he's scared the word will burn his tongue. There's silence its not an awkward or bad silence but silence.

"Stay with me tonight," I whisper also scared of the words. He doesn't say anything he just climbs into the cot he already has his armor off so I don't have to worry about that. I lay down next to him and his arm drapes over my waist. I can feel his helmet against my head, "You don't have to leave it on you know," my voice is still a whisper, "It can't be comfortable to sleep in. I won't look or anything."

The words sit in the air for a moment before he slightly sits up. I hear a hiss and then I can hear the beskar being placed on the ground.

"Good night Aurora." I hear his voice. His real voice, not some modified voice. It's still deep and husky but it has a softer tone to it. I can feel his hot breath against my head and it takes everything in me not to turn around just to see the silhouette of his face.

"Good night Din." The kid snuggles under my arm and we all fall asleep as a family.

-

I wake up to an empty cot.

No Din.

No kid.

At first, I wonder if last night was just a dream but then I remember how the normally cold ship felt warm last night. How I felt Din's hot breathe on my neck. How I actually slept since the war.

I climb out of bed my bare feet hitting the cold metal floor. I wear Din's shirt that I have kept has a sleep shirt.

I climb up to the cockpit to see Din in the pilot's chair like usual and the kid in the other co-pilots seat. The kid coos when he sees me causing Din to turn around. "He got hungry and fussy so I brought him up here. I didn't want to wake you." I smile before sitting down in my chair, "We should land on Jakku in a couple of hours there's a bounty hiding there."

"Jakku that's the last place I wanna go." I sit down in my co-pilots chair.

"Its the last place anyone wants to go but-"

"We need the credits I know. But Jakku really?"

"Didn't you live on Tatooine?"

"No our last base blew up and we were residing there until we could all meet up again when it was safe then you came and ruined that."

He gets tense at the mention of how we first met.

"Sorry about that."

"Why? It's not like you actually gave me to Jabba. Why did you let me go?"

"Because you asked me not too."

"I couldn't of been the first bounty to beg for their life."

"You begged me to kill you." He reminds me in a whisper.

"It was better than going back to Jabba the Hutt."

"I saw the look in your eyes and I just I-I couldn't do it. After I dropped you off on Naboo I stopped being the arrogant, stupid kid I used to be."

"Still a little arrogant." I softly laugh trying to brighten the mood. He just titles his head before letting out the sound I'll never get tired of a soft chuckle.

-

We lay on a dirt hill and Din looks in his binoculars.

"Do you see him?" I ask adjusting trying to get more comfortable.

"No."

"Then why are in lying in the dirt sweating?"

"I'm not sweating."

I scoff, "Good for you."

"You could always go back to the razor crest."

"I'm fine."

"Then stop complaining."

"Oh, shut up target practice."

"I told you to stop calling me that."

"Yeah but it's funny."

"It's not."

"It is."

"Aurora."

"Din." He looks at me and looks back through the binoculars.

"There he is."

"Lemme see." I take the binoculars out of his hands causing him to sigh. I spot a yellow Togruta.

We walk down the hill and enter Jakkus version of a city. Which is just booths set up ran by criminals.

"How are you not hot wearing all of that?" I ask Din as we walk to where we spotted Togruta.

"I'm just not."

"Oh to be a Mandalorian." I wipe the sweat from my nose.

"We'll be back on the ship soon cyar'ika."

"Not soon enough." We spot him talking to a vendor, "What's the plan?" No response. "Please tell me you have a plan."

"I thought we could just grab him."

"Are you serious?" I say with a deadpan tone in my voice.

"I figured we would just," But its too late he spotted us, and he's booking it fast. Din and I chase after him. He runs ahead of me because he has the advantage of longer legs. As the Togruta runs he knocks things down in his path slowing down Din.

Instead of trying to jump over everything. I take a different route to cut him off. Before I have time to pull my blaster out I run into him. No I mean I literally run into him.

His first reaction is to punch me in the face which hits me hard."Well, that was rude." I punch him in the face. Making him stumble backward. Then I kick him in the stomach he grunts in pain. He bumps into the table grabbing the knives (which is just my luck to fight next to a knife booth). I pull out my blaster and its a standstill. "Ever heard the phrase don't bring a knife to a blaster fight?" Where the hell is Din?

He throws the knife it hits me in my right arm which is the one I hold my blaster with. I drop my arm is the searing pain. I see him running towards me and I use all my strength to shoot him in the stomach. He drops to the floor with a thud and I stand there with my arm bleeding wondering where the hell my Mandalorian.

My questions get answered when I see him running towards me out of the corner of my eye. He is panting hard. He's looking at the ground with his hands on his knees. It's quite funny actually.

"Nice of you to join us."

"Sorry," Pant, "Ran," Pant, "A lot."

"Cry me a river old man. Do you have a knife in your arm?"

He looks up right away. He grabs the sides of his cape and rips off a piece, "This is gonna hurt cyar'ika," He puts his hand on the handle of the knife and pulls it out slowly. I wince only a little at the pain having experienced a lot worse. After the knife is out he drops it to the ground. He wraps the ripped piece of the cape around the wound tight, "That should hold until we get back to the ship." He puts the bounty over his shoulder and we start our walk back.

-

"I can't believe you let him outrun you," I say with a laugh.

"He was fast." The batca patch on my wound should have it healed by tomorrow. I don't even notice the wound at this point. We sit in the cockpit and the kid snores peacefully next to us.

"Can't believe I had to fight him by myself."

"You won didn't you?"

"Of course I did I'm awesome." Din puts the ship into hyperdrive, "Where to next? And please don't tell me another desert planet."

"Not sure cyar'ika, maybe a backwater planet we can lay low on."

"Sounds nice."

Before it can sound nice for too long though Din gets a transmission, "My friend, if you are receiving this transmission, that means you are alive. You might be surprised to hear this, but I am alive too. I guess we can call it even. A lot has happened since we last saw each other. The man who hired you is still here, and his ranks of ex-Imperial guards have grown. They have imposed despotic rule over my city, which has impede the livelihood of the Guild. We consider him an enemy, but we cannot get close enough to take him out. If you would consider one last commission, I will very much make it work your while. You have been successful so far in staving off their hunters, but they will not stop until they have their prize. So here is my proposition. Return to Nevarro. Bring the child as bait. I will arrange an exchange, and provide loyal Guild member as protection. Once we get near the client, you kill him, and we both get what we want. If you succeed, you keep the child, I will have your name cleared with the Guild, and you can your new Rebel Commander girlfriend can live peacefully. A man of honor should not be forced to live in exile. I await your arrival with optimism."

The transmission ends and Din doesn't say anything.

"You cannot be considering that?" Nothing, "Din they tried to kill you and the kid. This could be a trap."

He turns around, "What if it's not?"

"What if it is?"

"Then we fight our way out like we always do and if it's not our names will be cleared."

"Were gonna need help."

"Who?"

"You think Cara will do it?" While I haven't met Cara I know she saved Din before hopefully, she will help us again.

He turns around to I assume set us on route for where ever Cara is.

He turns around again and looks at me probably seeing the worry in my face. He places his gloved hand on my face, "Don't worry cyar'ika everything will be okay."

-

Feedback is always appreciated! 

[ofmerrit]

*  ◜  kristine froseth  ,  cis  woman  &  she/her  ◞  *  according  to  school  records  ,  that’s  merrit  antonietta  unn  hornsby  walking  on  campus  grounds  with  their  usual  iced-americano  from  the ancient  grounds  cafe  .  they’re  known  for  their  long  ,  dark  blonde  locks  outshining  their  surprisingly  tall  figure   and  are  often  spotted  at   the  versailles  garden  reading  wild  geese  by  mary  oliver  .  almost  everyone  knows  their  family  is  worth  like  1.2  billion  dollars  ,  so  we  suspect  they’re  a  member  of   olympus   ,  you  know  ,  the  one  for  old   money  .  do  you  know  where  they  were  the  night  that  the  scholarship  student  died  ?  they  claim  they  were  touring  around  the  campus  for  inspiration  ,  must  be  an  architecture major  thing  ,  right  .  and  hey  ,  don’t  you  agree  that  the  sophomore  reminds  you  of  muffled  screams  into  silk  pillows  ,  the  bellyache  you  get  after  doing  something  wrong  &  vacant smiles ?  you  better  watch  out  h e s t i a  before  something  dangerous  happens  to  you  and  life  ends  at  twenty-two  .  *  ◜  barb  ,  twenty-two  ,  gmt +3  &  she / her  ◞  *

alright alright . it’s me , wrinkle free brain bar from gmt +3 !! so pumped to be here w you sexies mwah <3 here’s merrit’s pinterest board if you’re interested ( pls im a virgo n pinterest addict .. lemme make boards for our muses .. id d*e ! ) imma . bore u to de*th w this intro pls .. forgive me .. i only hav 2 brain cells , this is all over the place HDFJK rip </3 tw: kidnapping, death.

starting w the boring statistics :     full name: merrit antonietta ‘antonia’ unn hornsby     nicknames: mer, antonia, ant, tbc.     code name: hestia ; the goddess of hearth , the family , the state & the domesticity.      star sign: libra sun , virgo moon , scorpio rising.     sexuality: bisexual.     favourite literature piece: wild geese by mary oliver ,  an anthology .                                              “meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,                                              are heading home again.                                              whoever you are, no matter how lonely,                                              the world offers itself to your imagination,                                              calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting                                              over and over announcing your place                                              in the family of things.”

merrit is the only child of the young hornsby couple. she doesn’t remember much of her childhood, according to her grandma, she was the happiest kid. had everything she could ever ask for and more. 

the reason why merrit can’t remember any of this is the beginning of a tragedy — a stormy december night, she and her parents went missing. grandma says they were gone for over five months. a kidnapping case gone cold, they thought. right when the old couple was giving up on them, an angel from above delivered antonia to their door step. malnourished, void of any memory but alive.

life after losing her parents was easier than expected, grandma hornsby ( nee du pont ) made sure merrit would recover from this without any trauma & in a way, she did.

doesn’t have the best relationship with her grandpa, he’s harsh and cranky and too smart for his own good, merrit is lowkey afraid of him lmfao 

she’s currently studying architecture — her dream major was interior design but grandpa encouraged her to pursue architecture to follow her father’s footsteps.  kinda made sense because she’s fascinated by houses .. in reality the insides, the families living there are the real source of interest for her but she’s happy to settle for outside for now gshdjkf

personality stuff !!!

uMM.... i’d say she’s lowkey a people pleaser sdhjkf like ?? making her grandparents proud is . literally the only thing she’s ever wanted in this world n now she feels the same responsibility for every single soul in her life . a torturous existence if you ask me 

can’t say no <3  if she thinks its gonna make u feel a tiny bit better . boom . she’s in .

the friend you’d call to bury a body . no questions asked . she’s pickin up the shovel as you speak asdghfjk unless it’s between her grandparents n you, then *michael scott vc* how the turntables.... sdhjfk shes rattin u out instantly rip

LOVES to talk n listen . fills her heart with joy . a blabbermouth . 

an overachiever . doesn’t sleep much, rocks the dark circles 7/24 lmfao works bc doesn’t like the idea of .. wasting life if that makes sense ??

loyal 2 a fault. mostly to olympus. wld do anything to stay in the secret society / establish her place .

extremely gentle n caring . sometimes ?? its just . too much sdjkf like. tone it down <3

likes poetry ,, especially mary oliver n louise glück ! her fav poem is the orange by wendy cope.

i imagine her wearing flowy, tulle dresses with floral embroidery or vintage pieces idk 

has shit ton of plants but struggles to keep them alive rip

!!! im . terrible at explaining her fr i hate it here ok i hav a vision but ??? i cant explain it

safe 2 say shes having difficulty deciding who she’s supposed to be . a part of her wants to be the golden child for her grandparents n the other side .. jst wants to live her life y’know ??? 

UPDATE ! i’ve realised that by hiding her secret, i also unintentionally hid a big portion of her personality and she comes across as the typical, soft & gentle soul. don’t get me wrong, she is indeed gentle and soft but she’s also volatile and deceitful !

connection ideas !!!

childhood friends - except she doesn’t remember any of it. maybe your muse thinks she’s changed. maybe they don’t care. maybe they are no longer friends . idk 

penpals - seriously ???  i imagine her as someone who writes letters jst bc they’re nostalgic n cute ??? cld be fun.

a home - i kno home’s not a person but a feeling but tell that to merrit lmao. this person’s probably the only one in the whole damn world she’d choose over her grandparents. platonic or romantic, doesn’t matter.

betrothed - super old school yikes. nt exactly betrothed either .. maybe her grandma thot it’d be better if these two were in a relationship . maybe they remained as friends . maybe they hated each other . maybe they kept the publicity stunt ( cue 2 merrit begging to keep faking the rel so her grandpa wld be happy )

exes - a classic. ts this is me trying vibes . on good or bad terms . lingering feelings ? yes please .

bad + good influence - again, classic sdhjfk

saw u at the garden but cldn’t say hi bc i’m a dumb binch - basically someone she has a minor, unrequited crush on. probably knows this person through her other friends but she’s too damn timid to take the first step

a friend from labyrinth . ok hear me out . this is a big deal for her bc she’s all in for her society n v opposed to the idea of a second one even existing . wouldn’t say shes openly mean or .. rude to labyrinth members but ?? jst . wants to protect her own , so this would be a v secret friendship .

a project - could say she has some sort of a savior complex . wants to ‘fix’ people up .. toxic much, mer? <3 anyway ashdjk maybe she thinks .. she can change your muse ? i truly dont know. 

ok final one . its juicy . someone who’s suspicious of her . she has a secret n for the obv reason i didn’t talk abt it, your muse’s suspicious n it’s just . hashtag awkward

these r the only connection ideas i have rn my brain said get tht fire exit door im off im so sorry forgive moi bUT im a sucker for angst : ) so theres that 

something inspired by my queen n savior phoebe bridgers or . folklore ?? yeah.

give me noora / william vibes . the ex friends . the dan / blair dynamic . i live for them ok sgdhfjkl

[eremika-forever12]

|| Eremika Fanfic: Remember Me!? ||

This is basically continuation from Manga plot with some changes ....you will get to know as story progresses! Do read, share & comment!

Chapter : 1

Just like any day....the sun rose from East making the whole city glow from its heat!

Just like every day everyone is back to their own chores !

Since that day of the new history of Shinganshina or to be more accurate the new Paradis....where there is no more walls, no more eldians & marliyans hatred....it was more like a new Era....Everything has just changed!

People know more about the truth with No Memory Loss....No Misconception Of Titans & Their Existence....Cause Titans Are Just A History Now Which Kids In Their Schools Learn About Their Past Existance!

6 Years....

6 Years Since He Disappeared....Vanished Just Into The Thin Air Just Like That! Leaving her alone once again in this Cruel World! He is known as humanity's Biggest Enemy Now....Who was once recognised as Humanity's Only Hope! But Something Tells Her....His Decision Changed The Whole Prespective! He Actually Changed This World....United Them To Fight Against Him! Sacrificed Himself....For The Cause Of His Own People! No Matter In Which Way But He Succeeded...Even If It Is By Being Cold Hearted Mass Murderer....She knows he was The Saviour, He Was No Monster!

But.....The Sad Part Is He Just Disappeared Like That 6 Years Back After That Rumbling Ended!

No One Noticed Him Since Then Nor His Giantic Titanic Body!

Did he deceive her all again? After making her that promise of returning back alive....wrapping around her that piece of cloth...before going for that final battle against everyone....Did he just die like that after doing so much....not even once meeting her again! Is he actually dead? Where is he? Where is Eren Yeager?

Just like any day....Mikasa starts her day thinking about him....just when her thoughts broke off hearing the powerful scream of her son....shrieking the hell out of her!

“ MOOMMM “

“Ahhh....Heyyy....” says Mikasa shocked watching that little guy running to her hurriedly with a backpack in his hand.

“ MOMMMM! GETTT ME MY FOOD HURRY! I GOTTA BE LATE FOR MY SCHOOL IF YOU JUST KEEP ON SITTING LIKE THAT! I AM HUNGRY” says the little guy with his loud voice.

“ Hush! Cant you speak a bit normally? I mean whats with all these shouting! I am not deaf!” scowls Mikasa as she gets up from the dining table.

The boy simply shrugs- Look Mom! I have no time for this....Alright! I am HUNGGRRYYY!

Ah that pout....thinks Mikasa....his cute little pout always makes her heart melt....and those Green eyes...it just reminds her of him! Thinking about him makes her Sad again!

Mikasa brings a plate full of noodles as she pushes it slightly towards the little devil on the other side of dining table.

The little guy hungrily takes the spoon out of it as he starts rolling the strands of noodles in it....and hurriedly stuffs them in his mouth.

Mikasa stares at her little boy silently observing his every features....his antics were just completely like his dad. Mikasa sighs....only if he was here! Suddenly her eyes fell on a small bruise on his forhead...Mikasa frowned....

When did he got that! Damn....did he just again fight with someone in his school yesterday!

This boy will surely make her crazy....

Mikasa glares at the green eyed little boy who was busy in gulping down his glass of water without noticing his mother's furious glare!

Mikasa in serious tone- Eli.....Look at me!

Eli looks at his mother in confusion as he stops munching his food for a moment...

Eli mumbling – Yes Mom!

Mikasa scowls- What is with that scar on your head!

Eli gasps in shock as he looks else where but not in her eyes....he surely tried to hide that thing by bringing his most of the black hair upto his forehead so that his mother wont notice that scar!

Eli nervously while fidgeting a little as he speaks in his child like voice- Errmm...Its nothing...actually...I fell on the way while returning to home so I guess Got hurt a little!

Mikasa glares- Eli...Shut up! Dont dare you lie to me! Since you got admitted to the school...I have been receiving lots of complain due to your rude behaviour towards children! So dont give me that crap! Did you fight again with someone?

Eli glares back at his mother as he says raising his voice- Rude behaviour? I am not Rude! Its not my fault if those kids of my class bumps into me intentionally just to tease me ! I am not gonna keep my mouth shut if they taunts me by calling me Monster Baby! I am gonna punch their freaking ugly face for calling me that! I had enough of it! I am not weak or Something....

Mikasa scolds him as she raises her voice- Eli! Stop it! If they taunts you....its not necessary for you to reply them back! Stop being impulsive! You cant just beat up people if they tell you something! Learn to control yourself!

Eli tries to defend himself- But...

Mikasa holds his shoulders softly- Eli listen to me!

As Eli stares with his big green eyes, Mikasa with broken voice tells him- Punching someone or beating someone wont prove you strong! I know how it feels but you gonna get adjusted to this! You dont need to start a fight with someone if they say hateful words to you! I know you are strong Eli! But you need to control yourself! Your anger wont do any good....

Eli remains mum as he softly shrugs off his mother's hand....taking his back pack on his back.

Eli calmly- I am done with my breakfast! Bye Mom!

Before Mikasa could say anything, Eli runs out of the house way to his school while Mikasa just whispers watching him running away- Bye! Just dont fall into any trouble Eli! You are the only one I have! I have lost everything in my life....I dont want to loose you!

Mikasa stares at sky scattered with clouds and the sun rays with birds flying...

Mikasa murmers as lone tear escapes from her eyes- Eren....I Wish You Were Here!

***********

Eli has been walking merrily along the way towards his school when he hears someone calling him from behind....

Eli turns around and squeals in happiness seeing the blonde hair guy with that scout uniform- Uncle Arlert!

The blond guy walks hurriedly towards him as he laughs- Its Armin!

Eli rolls eyes- oh yeah its the same thing! Arlert is also your name anyways!

Armin giggle- oh well young man ! Off to school ha? Come I will take you there!

Eli with his head high- No need! I can walk to my school myself!

Armin nods his head gently- ofcourse you can! But I have to make sure you dont fall in any trouble you know....or else your mom will be worried!

Eli frowns as he chirps in his child voice- Wait Mom asked you to follow me!

Armin nods in negetive as he nervously says- No No....Not that lately she is being really worried about you! So I thought to have a check on you....

Eli yells angrily- Heyyyy! What the hell is wrong with everyone damn it! I am not a toddler or something! I dont need anyone! I can look out for myself! I am freaking 5 years! Leave me Alone uncle Arlert ! You have your own daughter....Just look after that pathetic princess of Yours!

Saying this....Eli ran off hurriedly before Armin could follow him any further.

Armin was shocked by his reaction! He wasnt expecting such outburst! He was not told by Mikasa to follow him....he just did it cause he felt he had some responsibility towards his best friend's son after what just happened a week back in his school!

But today this out burst....he just completely reminded of HIM!

It wasnt for first time....Eli was like this anyways since he was born....stubborn & pure brat with that pathetic anger of him but he usually doesnt talk like this with him....he is really fond of his uncle Arlert & his only friend Alina Arlert....his & Annie ‘s daughter! Yes They are no more titan shifters now! That power & the curse got ended 6 years back immediately after the rumbling! They were all normal now....

Alina is 4 now....a year younger than Eli...She still didnt get admission in school yet , most probably after she turns 5....she will also start going to school and accompany Eli too...

But well right now Armin is concerned about Eli sudden outburst....did he get into an argument with Mikasa again in morning! He seemed really pissed off hearing his mother’s name!

He needs to talk to Mikasa right now....

***********

Eli was breathing heavily as he stops mid way & looks back....damn his little legs are paining now! He just ran a marathon to escape from Armin.

Aaahhh He hates just being lectured every damn time! Nobody just understands him & his point of view! His mom only thinks him of as some brat who doesnt listen to her or something! What she doesnt understand is....Eli is just tired of this daily bully of him in school by calling him some monster's child, Titan baby, illegitimate kid etc etc ! When he tries to explain this to his mom....all she tells him to not react to them! Like how the hell....why wont he react to those carzy bunch of people who simply insults him! Eli's anger just rose thinking about all these! He realises...he just ran off bit too far from his school....in some empty area with less people walking around! The area has some broken houses all around....people dont live here now much! Duh he is in no mood to walk back to his school....missing a day at school wont be any harm ,thinks Eli.

He just notices a bench a bit far.....and walks towards it & sit down!

He wants to be alone from his mother's scoldings and lectures! Eli always wondered why he didnt have a father like every other kid! He has been numerous times taunted about this by some adults in their neighbours! They simply call him Titan Baby & he hate that Word Titan! He doesnt really know what are those but once he heard some students in school talking about it....Titans were some bad ugly creatures who used to be on this land some years back! And Eli understood he was simply called those ugly creature's kid....

Once he dared to ask his mother about his own dad....but didnt get any answer from her instead he made her sad for some unknown reasons. He hates his mom to be sad or to cry! Its true his mom is strict in many ways and over protective too but Eli loves his Mom very much....just only he wishes if only she understood his feelings! Since Eli never questioned his mom about his Dad whom he never met!

Eli was lost in his thoughts as he was swinging his small legs over the bench absent mindedly....when all of a sudden he felt some one was watching him from far....Eli’s eyes travelled up infront of him as he felt alert all of sudden....

He noticed a Silhouette infront of him......on the wall ahead of that old broken house...someone is standing behind HIM!

To be continued.....

Chapter : 2 - click here

[luna-obsession-yeet]

Muzan X Reader (part 2)

[name] pats his back. Muzan was apologizing over and over again, nonstop for the whole 10 minutes or so. He was bawling his beautiful eyes out. [name] didnt bother. She was smilling all throughout, hiding the fact that she is heartbroken by the sins Muzan has committed.

It was finally time to go. It was time for them to seperate. The light does not allow [name] to go where Muzan must head. He doesnt want you to follow anyway.

Muzan has always been so scared of being lonely. He was lonely throughout his human life. But if it means being lonely and you following him, he would definitely choose him suffering. Seeing your sad expression is out of the list.

"Do you own this big big house?" the little image of you smiled. Today, the child Muzan is lonely, not like its anything new but for him, the dark corridors are much more darker and the place seems more like in a peaceful manner with chaos hiding deep. "Must be such a joy to live in such a big big house!" You exclaimed.

"not really." Muzan ought not to reply but his lips moved on its own. He was surprised himself, but didnt bother to show it. Was it your smile? Was it the way how you speak? How did you get here anyway? Were you a daughter of a maid that works under his family? He'd never seen you before.

You have dirt all over your face and clothes yet the kindness is still reeking out from you.

"I feel lonely, everytime. Having a big big house is kind of useless. They say having smaller house means having tighter family bonds. And I rather have tighter family bonds." He smiled bitterly. Maybe it was okay? Maybe he could share his problem to a stranger like you that can appear one in a million times a lifetime? How were you even able to get there? You're bravely venturing to everywhere, he assumes, he thinks youre so adventurous but in reality, you were running away from your own problems.

"Hm? Youre lonely? Then I must come here, so you'll feel less lonely!"

That was an understatement. Muzan says in the back of his mind. Whenever you were there with him, he never got to knew about what lonely means.

When you got used to the tracks, and the way to get in his estate, you bring many toys with you to play with him. His favorite to play with you is chess, he loves it when you checkmate him and scream from delight. Sometimes he'd even defeat you 70x and let you win one game at the end of the day just to see your expressions. It changes from "Im seriously using my one remaining braincell here," to "rooks are to move diagonally??" towards "oh i won?"

You gotta admit though. When you saw him gazing so softly at you while you were sooo thinking of what move you should take, your heart stopped beating momentarily. Muzan doesnt even know why he takes joy in playing with you, I mean, he gets you every damn time with that 'four moves de mate. '

Years gone by - you were getting real better at chess, and both of you were maturing. His sickness is getting worse, he's trying to hide that and you were pretending not to know that. So painfully, the both of you continued on your routines.

This time, he wasnt planning on going easy on you and defeat you with a flash and order you to go home immediately. He was, too, painfully baring the fact that his illness is eating him fast. He cant bare your bright and beaming presence with such a secret that'll destroy the both of you. But a part of him knows, that you know, and that part of him made a deal with your other part not to drop the bomb. He's gonna do everything to get better anyway, so why bother?

Muzan never felt the feeling of loneliness creeping upto his every fiber down to his fingertips whenever you would tell stories: how the village looked, he knew you love the village so much and every people who lives in it, you were well loved and trusted by everyone although they can also think of you as a pain in the butt as you can also be mischievous during your adventures.

So why?

One day, he was healthy enough to actually visit you on your home, to tell you that he was getting more ill as time goes by BUT, he had found a solution - which is to become a demon to be strong enough to protect you, to be with you, to restart with you, to love you - without knowing the fact that demons devour humans. He wanted to tell you that. He wanted you to make a decision for him - some role he doesnt want for anyone to have. He listens to nobody, get ordered by no one, he is absolute, but with you? He needs you more than you could ever think.

Would you be happy for him? Would you oppose? What will be your reaction? You were very unpredictable, he wants to spend his life studying humans - you, but he can only try. You were different on your own way and it was always him getting surprised by your words, actions, philosophy, mindset towards others, the world, everyone, love.

Yep. You surprised him alright.

There was a commotion, in the centre of the village. He checks it out on a wheelchair, being pushed by a maid. He wanted to see what it was about, so if its something you'll enjoy, he'll bring you there, before being a demon.

The both of you have written a list of things you guys wants to do. One of them is to venture everywhere, since you love doing that. And he loves you doing that. The both of you promised to go an adventure one day. The adventure on your mind was to walk around that Estate of his, not leaving one corner left unseen. But he had bigger plans.

The smell of fire reached his nose. He ordered the maid to stop pushing the wheelchair he was in. He sniffs, and suddenly, his heart started beating faster than ever. The bad feeling was involved with you. His instincts were shouting for you. Why you? You can never do such a thing that will make one person hate you to the point of actually hurting you.

The ordered maid pushed the chair towards the source of fire as fast as she can. Muzan cant believe what he was seeing.

It was you. He can recognize you even with a distorted face. Even with fire melting your being. His love of life. His woman. You were screaming in pain. You were tied in wood, villagers watching you burn. They taunted, "She is a curse! She had connections with the cursed boy at the estate! SHE IS CURSED!"

The humans were so stupid back then. What kind of braincell did they have to think that illness is a curse?

Muzan cant speak. His eloquent self felt like being sucked from a void. His throat was burning. His fingers were shaking. His eyes were widening and trembling - what. have. they. done. to. you?

The villagers whom you have loved so much, burned you to crisp. It was his fault. He never should have involved himself with you. If he hadnt, you'd be living and smilling.

Then he thought about himself. He was too weak. His illness was preventing the both of you from being happy, from being inlove, from living with love.

He made his decision. It was the villagers' fault, not his. He will see to it that this village will burn and suffer just like how you did. No one's stopping him. No one will be saved, no, not even that baby crying from the sides.

"Was it a fun adventure?" You asked him. "Did you learn something?" You didnt stop asking. Muzan smiled, "This is also a part of the adventure - us, talking. Hey, [name], You were my greatest adventure."

"You were mine too."

-FIN

its short, Im gonna 'memo' next time before posting. Asgdhdjdkd this actually sucks big time. But please heart this if you liked it! Feedbacks and comments are also welcome! 💖 English is not my native language so please excuse the grammatical errors.

[bytheangell]

ELLE!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IF???? ALEC GIVES MAGNUS THE CHOICE. HIM OR MAGIC. WHAT IF MAGNuS CHOOSES MAGIC. ELLE!!! WRITE THIS SO I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT (okay that will absolutELY make it worse but do it anyway). (tried to do this from my SH blog but gUESS WHO CANT REMEMBER THE DAMN EMAIL SHE USED. IT MEEEE)

two sides of lonely - part one.(Read on AO3)(prompt based off of the 3x18 sneak peek. Lots of hurt. Zero comfort. This is your warning!)

Break his heart to save his life .

Alec wanted to say yes right then and there, willing to agree to anything Asmodeus asked of him - even losing the love of his life. No, not losing - giving up , because there’s a choice to be made now. Alec can give up Magnus to give him his magic back, or he can keep Magnus selfishly to himself and watch him live out the rest of a life he may never truly be happy in.

It isn’t much of a choice, not the way Alec sees it; but he doesn’t believe it’s his to make. He knows now better than ever that no matter how much he might think he’s doing what’s best for Magnus, there is a very real chance he doesn’t know the half of what’s going on inside his boyfriend’s head, or inside his heart.

He isn’t going to make that same mistake again, which is why Alec stands across from Magnus now, taking Magnus’ hands in his own, repeating the offer extended by Asmodeus.

“Your magic, or… me. It’s your decision, Magnus.”

“Alexander, this is ridiculous,” Magnus tells him, trying to sound dismissive, except the way he perks up at the thought of getting his magic back tells Alec otherwise.

“Is it? You said it yourself - you never wanted this life. You can’t be happy in it. It’s my fault you lost your magic. Twice.” Alec forces himself to say the words even though he feels an ache in his heart to speak them out loud and admit he’s the reason Magnus is in this position in the first place. “I’ll do whatever I have to to fix it.”

“I know what I said, but I didn’t mean it like that, I–” Alec watches Magnus struggle to find the right words to backtrack on their conversation from the night before. He waits, hoping that Magnus will insist he turn the offer down without a second thought. He wants Magnus to be furious he went behind his back to Asmodeus, that he’d put himself at risk like that, that he’d even think about sacrificing their love to bring back his magic.

Instead, all Alec sees is Magnus actually considering his options, and his heart breaks for the second time in as many days.

It was one thing for Alec to imagine agreeing to the deal when it was his decision - when he could pretend there wasn’t a chance Magnus would agree, even if it was what needed to be done. It’s another to see Magnus consider it; to see the desperate wanting in his eyes.  

“-I can’t ask you to do this.” Magnus says, his voice quiet. Alec hears the implication behind the careful phrasing: I can’t, but I wish I could.

“You’re not. I’m- I’m offering. If this is what you want then I’ll do it.” Alec nearly chokes on the words. He hadn’t realized until just now how big the part of him is that expected Magnus to say they’ll find another way, that of course he’d rather live a mundane life with Alec than one without him, powers or not. “Just tell me what you need.”

Alec allows himself one last moment of hope, sending a silent prayer to the Angel. Please , he thinks, I need him. Let him need me, too.

Alec feels that hope fade with every passing second Magnus remains silent, gaze down, unable to meet his eyes. He feels it disappear entirely when Magnus opens his mouth and shuts it again, unable to bring himself to admit the truth.

“On second thought, you don’t have to. I think your silence speaks for itself.” There’s a bitter taste in his mouth that he knows seeps into those words, but Alec can’t help it. What goddamn fairy tail did he think he was living in, that love could solve all their problems? That he might have a happy ending after all?

He takes a step back and drops Magnus’ hands from his own.

“I love you.” Magnus says. Alec knows he means it, and yet that only makes it worse.

“I love you too,” Alec replies, reaching into his pocket to pull out a small silver box. The ring. There’s never going to be anyone else he’ll want to give it to, of that much he’s certain. Not bothering to open it he hands it to Magnus.  “And I’m sorry it wasn’t enough. But I meant what I said last night: all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy. Even if it can’t be with me.”

“Alec-” Magnus starts, opening the box and staring down at the ring with wide eyes.

“Take care, Magnus.”

Emotions cloud judgement, and as he feels himself shut down a little more with each step he takes Alec can suddenly see clearer than he has in months.

He just hopes the deal still stands when it wasn’t him who did the heartbreaking.

—

When Alec comes back Magnus is already awake. He doesn’t know how long he’s been lying in the dark like this, but it’s long enough that the sudden light is blinding. He almost wishes it was, because the look that Alec greets him with while trying to figure out if Magnus is drunk again or not is so full of pity that he can barely stand it.

He isn’t, but even if he was the words that Alec says next would be more than enough to sober him up fast.

Alec went to Asmodeus. He went to Asmodeus, for him, to get his magic back.

“Your magic, or… me. It’s your decision, Magnus.” Alec says it like he’s asking Magnus to choose red or white wine for dinner. This entire thing is trite, and contrived, and exactly the sort of petty game he would expect from his father.

“Alexander, this is ridiculous.”

“Is it?” Alec questions, and Magnus feels a wave of guilt over the fact that he’s justified in questioning Magnus’ attempt to dismiss the idea. “You said it yourself - you never wanted this life. You can’t be happy in it. It’s my fault you lost your magic. Twice. I’ll do whatever I have to to fix it.”

Magnus knows Alec means it, and that’s what scares him. Any other scenario, any other person, and he’d have no problem turning the offer down to spare the other party. But Alec is strong. He’s the Head of the Institute. He has his family, his friends… he doesn’t need Magnus and the mess his life has become to distract him from the bright future he has ahead of him. Without his magic Magnus is more of a burden than an asset, and he doesn’t want to spend the rest of their lives dragging Alec down with him. Maybe this would be best for both of them.

“I know what I said, but I didn’t mean it like that, I–” Magnus falters. He knows what he said while he was drunk, and he knows that he meant it. He meant more of what he said last night than anything he’s said in days. In weeks. He wants his magic back more than anything.

… more than Alexander?

The fact that he continues to question, to consider, makes him sick to his stomach. But it doesn’t change the fact that his decision isn’t immediate. That he wants his magic back so badly he’s considering walking away from the person he loves to get it back.

“-I can’t ask you to do this.”

No. He can see the hurt already forming on Alec’s features over his hesitation. He can’t do this, not to Alec. Not to them.

Can he?

“You’re not. I’m- I’m offering. If this is what you want then I’ll do it. Just tell me what you need.”

Magnus knows what he should say. That Alec’s love - that just Alec - is all he needs. That he’s enough. It should be an automatic response, words of devotion and praise flooding past his lips without hesitation.

Instead he’s silent. He can’t keep lying, not to Alec, and not to himself. He knows exactly what he needs, even if he can’t bring himself to say it.

He needs to feel whole again.

He needs his magic back.

“On second thought, you don’t have to. I think your silence speaks for itself.” The harsh bite to Alec’s words is enough for Magnus to look up again, his hands falling to his side when Alec drops them from the comfort of his grip. Magnus feels the loss immediately, the cold distance between them now. He wants to reach back out for Alec’s hands, to feel the warmth one more time, but he knows he’s lost that right.

“I love you.” Magnus says, and he means it. He’s never meant it more, he’s certain. But that doesn’t change anything now.

“I love you too, and I’m sorry it wasn’t enough. But I meant what I said last night: all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy. Even if it can’t be with me.”

Magnus isn’t sure when the box ended up in his hand, but he opens it instinctively, taking a moment to process the ring inside. It isn’t just any ring - it’s the Lightwood family ring. And the fact that Alec had it in this box, in his pocket, can only mean one thing…

“Alec-”

“Take care, Magnus.” Alec cuts him off and a part of him is thankful, because Magnus doesn’t know what he plans on saying next. It’s all too little, too late. He made his choice, and so has Alec.

Alec, who has the strength to walk away - not from him, but for him.

It isn’t until Alec’s gone that Magnus takes the ring out of the box and, slowly, slides it onto his finger. For a moment he closes his eyes and imagines everything that could have been, if only he had half of Alexander’s strength and resolve.

When he opens his eyes again he takes the ring back off and places it on Alec’s dresser with the hope that one day Alec will give it the home it deserves.(part two)

[hamelaisley]

prague...dedicated to becky

PRAGUE

Chapter 1

"we could run..........you and me. we could go now and never look back"

"are you serious???"

"i have money saved up josh. i could get us new identities. create a escape route. for now just keep up appearances.........,go to berlin like were gonna shoot. well leave to go to prague from there"

"what are you saying jen?????"

"im saying i wanna be a real person again........with you. thats what you want right???? i mean this is it josh. will you run away with me????"

-XX-

"aaaaaand action!!!!" yelled francis lawrence.

any other time this would have been joshs idea of heaven. working with his friend all day. but now.... it was just really awkward and he couldnt wait until the wrap.

josh started to mumble his lines but was cut off by jen.

"im really sorry francis but........i cant do this right now......." she said and then walked off to her trailer.

it had been like this ever sense....ever sense prague.......

-XX-

josh walked up to the train platform trying to find jen. suddenly he saw her standing with a suitcase and wearing a red jacket with cute black heels on. she spotted him and immediately smiled at him. he walked over to her.

"hey!!!!! i was starting to think you werent coming!!!" she said.

josh looked down at his shoes. jen didnt notice or care. jen pulled a folder out of her purse.

"k so here are our new identities. for now on your name is thomas campbell and mine is elle sinclair. we can talk about there back stories or whatever on the train ride to prague" she said.

"jen........." josh said.

"oh dont worry about the ride......... its only a hour long and if your bored you have me to talk to" she said.

"jen i.......i dont think we should do this........."

jen looked kinda confused.

"what do you mean?????"

"i mean we..... we made a promise that we would make these movies. we have a responsibility to the fans and everyone in the movie to finish it.... this is our life jen. this fairytale about running away is nice but this is where we belong. in hollywood. living our real lives....."

"josh its not that simple....... you dont understand but everything here is fake.....but this" she said and grabbed josh's hand. ".....this is simple. this is our real life. we have to go josh...... are you coming????? please come with me josh....."

josh paused and let go of jen's hand.

"i cant......im sorry........"

-XX-

josh walked up to jen's trailer and knocked.

"jen its me.....please let me in........"

"josh no. i dont want to talk to you now"

josh could tell she was crying.

"jen......."

"go away!!!!!"

josh leaned against the door and felt a single tear on his cheek.

"ok" he whispered.

Chapter 2

things were awkward on set. jen was avoiding josh and it was making him feel awful and lonely. he was always talking and laughing with her and now that he wasnt he felt empty and hurt. he hated being alone because then your forced into listening to your own thoughts instead of someone elses voice. god he couldnt wait for this to end.

but.......but what if this awkwardness never ended?? what if jen never forgave him???

he stared at the script in his hands. he was trying to memorize his lines because he had to and to distract himself from the situation with jen. it wasnt really working. he looked out the window of his trailer and saw jen in her own trailer looking straight at him. but when she saw that he saw her she looked away.

josh threw the papers on the ground frustratedly. he needed to talk to jen. even if she didnt want to talk to him. fuck, hed tie her up and force her to listen if thats what it took.

he walked out the door and to jen's trailer. he knocked and waited for her to answer nervous that she wouldnt. but she did. thank GOD thought josh.

"hey" jen said not looking at him. she was wearing a pretty white dress that would probably blow in the wind if it was windy. it reminded josh of the first time he saw jen.

-XX-

he put some cologne on his wrists and pulled on the jacket he was wearing. then he looked in the mirror and fixed his hair. he felt like a girl but he wanted to look perfect before meeting his co-star jennifer lawrence. they talked on the phone a few days ago and he has instantly fell in love with her. she was so funny and comfortable with who she was. and josh knew she was gorgeous. he saw her at the oscars when she was nominated for winters bone. she was irresistible to josh even though he didnt meet her in person yet. but that was going to change in a few minutes if josh didnt die from his heart beating so fast that it fell out of his chest.

he looked at his watch and took a deep breath. if he didnt leave now he was gonna be late.

he left his house and got into his car and drove to jen's house. when he got there he couldnt help but laugh at the garden nomes in the yard of her house. they were cute just like her.

josh wiped his sweaty hands in his pants and rang the door bell. jen answered.

joshs mouth went dry when he saw her. even though she was wearing a super simple white dress she was still breathtaking stunning. her eyes were the bluest blue josh had ever seen. her lips were full. her cheeks were pink like she ran to the door or something, and she had a cute button nose. jen smiles and you could see her dimples.

"well what are you waiting for silly!!!!! come in the damn house its frickin cold outside hahah" she said.

josh did as was told and went Ito her house. suddenly he stopped and just looked at her. he didnt think it was possible to be more attracted to this girl but that was before he saw her in person. it was love at first sight for him.

oh god josh thought im inlove with a girl and i dont even know her full name.....

"uh.....jen???"

"thats mizz lawrence to you" she joked.

he laughed. "k so this is kinda super weird but i was wondering........ can you tell me your middle name????"

she looked at him silently for a few seconds before saying something. "shrader. my middle name is shrader" she said.

"jennifer shrader lawrence" josh said. and it was the most beautiul name hed ever heard.

-XX-

"hey......can i come in????" josh asked. jen nodded her head "yes" so josh went in.

"look josh about the other day........"

"its ok jen. really its fine like dont worry about it" josh said.

"i just really miss you so much. what happened in prague......im so sorry jennifer for hurting you. i didnt mean to hurt you. and i want us to go back to the way things were. please????? i dont wanna loose you.......... i love you"

"josh.........."

josh cut her off as he leaned forward and kissed her. to his disappointment though, she pulled away after a few seconds.

"josh..........we need to break up."

Chapter 3

"josh..........we need to break up."

out of all the things josh thought jen would say that did not even make the list. he expected that theyd need to talk some things out but.........

"....i....jen what?"

"josh its.....please dont look at me like that....i just think that were not the same people we were when we first fell in love.....i dont want to ruin our friendship"

she was right about one thing. they werent the same people they were when they first fell in love. the old jen would never do something like this to him.

-XX-

"oh you can do better than that!!!" jen yelled at josh as she flew through the air. josh laughed and pushed her back harder. his arms were getting kinda sore. who knew that pushing someone on a swing could be so much work??

"jen my arms are tired." he complained. "im gonna take a break"

"your WEAK JOSH HUTCHERSON. YOUR FUCKING WEAK!!!"

"well not all of us can be nicholas fucking hoult jen. maybe you should call him so that he can come push you" he said. but right after he said it he wished he didnt. it wasnt fair to jen. she didnt know how much it hurt him to see her with nick. and even if she did he didnt have a right to be mad. it wasnt her fault that she loved nick and not him.

"look jen im sorry" he shouted up to her. she ignored him.

he stepped back away from the swing and sat down. he watched her for a little while until suddenly jen let go of the swing and literally went flying through the air. he knew she did it on purpose because she was laughing like an idiot the whole way until she hit the mulch. but even then she was still laughing. josh ran over to her to make sure she was okay. her knees were scraped and her hair was messed up and had pieces of mulch stuck in it.

"i wanted to come sit with you but i didnt want to do the whole slowing down thing normal people do when there done swinging" she told him.

josh rolled his eyes and laughed.

"god dammit jen!!! you know i love you but you can be such an airhead sometimes!!!" he laughed. jen didnt. she stared up at him and met his eyes.

"you love me????"

josh started to panic. did he say that out loud???

"josh....do you???? love me????"

he couldnt tell if she was kidding or not. he could easily get himself out of this one. of course he loved jen. she was his best friend!!! but for some reason he didnt want to get out of anything. he wanted to tell her. there. in the hawaiian park under spring clouds.

"i.......jennifer how could i not??? ive loved you ever sense that very first phone call. sense i very first saw you. ive loved you every time weve laughed and every time weve fought. i loved you when you had a boyfriend and i loved you when i had a girlfriend. ive loved you during my proudest moments and my weakest moments. ive loved you during nothings and somethings and everything in between. so yes jennifer i love you. ive been hopelessly inlove with the girl in the white dress from the very beginning and will be right up until the end."

jen didnt say anything for a while. instead she just took his hands in hers and leaned into him so that there faces were pretty much touching. josh fought the desire to just lean forward and take those perfect lips into his own.

finally she said something. "so you DO remember what color dress i was wearing when we met!!!"

josh smiled. of course thats what she got from that.

"ya i guess i do"

"josh??"

"ya????"

"we broke up. me and nick"

josh tried not to look excited. not that he really was. he was just worried about jen.

"why would he break up with you??? your the most perfect girl in the world and if he doesnt see that then he doesnt deserve you!!!!"

"i broke up with him josh...."

"what???? why???"

"because i love you too"

and then like belle and her beast there lips met taking away the beast and leaving only a prince.

-XX-

"jen thats bullshit and you know it....." josh said to her. "you know i hate being lied to......why dont you just tell me the real reason???"

jen sighed not looking him in the eye.

"josh after prague i.....was hurt. you hurt me when you said no. it made me feel like you didnt love me and i......called someone who i knew still loved me....."

"huh??? who???"

"josh.....i called nick"

Chapter 4

"josh.....i called nick. okay?!? i called nick and one thing led to another and we decided to give our relationship another chance. im sorry josh. i didnt mean to hurt you......."

josh felt his eyes start to sting with salty tears. how could she do this to him???

"did you screw him???"

"what??"

"i said....did you screw him"

"josh......."

"answer me"

".....yes. but josh you need to understand that you hurt me....."

he didnt hear anything that she said after that. her lips were moving but there was no sound. he stared straight through her.

"josh........josh please say something......."

"you.....jen you *cheated* on me??" josh asked.

"it....we were on a break and i was hurting josh you need to know that please know that"

josh fell out of his daze after hearing that.

"god jennifer you are so full of shit"

"uh excuse me?????"

"and to think i actually felt bad about prague.... i called you 273 times after that jennifer. you didnt answer 273 times. and it turns out that was because you were too busy sleeping with someone else????"

"thats not fair-"

"actually i think it's perfectly fucking fair jennifer. god i worked my ASS off for this relationship. i felt guilty for those whole three months we didnt talk. i missed you. i just wanted to make things better and i was stupid enough to think that you wanted that too!! god im such a idiot!!!"

jen was mad.

"how dare you say that stuff to me??? do you think it was easy for me to not talk to you for three months??!?!" she yelled.

"well after what you just told me ya i do!!" he shouted.

"i thought we were taking a break!!!"

"you know what??? fuck our friendship. you fucking disgust me and i dont want anything to do with you. not anymore"

jen didnt say anything.

josh stormed out of the trailer taking jens silence as his time to leave.

-XX-

"jennifer.....im so sorry. i was scared. scared to leave behind the life ive worked for my whole life. im a coward and im sorry. i shouldnt have left you in prague. i love you"

"i know that your mad and hurt and i know that i made you feel like that and im sorry im so fucking sorry. i love you jennifer"

"its been a week now......jen your scaring me. im worried about you.....please call me so i know that your ok??"

"jen im going crazy here.....its been a month sense i last kissed you......touched you......or fucking saw you...... i know your ignoring me but..... stop ok?? i miss you"

"jen......the decision that i made in prague. i know what it looks like. i know that it looks like i chose being an actor over.......over being with you. but thats not what happened. how i feel about you is real. very very real. and i know that you know how ive felt about you for a long time..... i told you.....we told each other and......and.........look jen i know that i probably hurt you. your probably hurt that i didnt run away with you in prague........but jen......i love you. i love you and i cant live without you. so.......please call me back"

the smell of pool water and listening to his voicemails was making jen feel dizzy. she held the phone to her ear and tried not to cry. but what she and josh had.......it was over now. she was never going to let herself get hurt like that again. she was stupid to think that josh would ever run away with her. her fairytale of running away from the fame and getting married and having kids and just living.......it was never gonna happen. and part of her knew she knew it wouldnt happen before this but that didnt make it hurt less.

she took the phone away from her head and looked at it one more time before she threw it into the pool.

"hey babe who was that???" nick asked.

"no one" she said. she leaned down and kissed nick on the ear. "absolutely no one"

Chapter 5

josh was so mad at jen he didnt even know what to do. the only thing he knew was that he had to get out of here before he exploded. so he went to the only place he could think of.

"oh hi josh" jena malone said when she saw it was josh who knocked on her trailer door.

"hi jena" josh said. jena opened the door a little bit more. he didnt move.

"well what are you waiting for silly!!!!"

josh felt like he was gonna throw up when she said that. even though jena didnt know that that was what jen had said to him when they first met didnt mean it didnt bother him a lot.

"i.....actually was wondering if i could maybe......take you out tonight??"

she smiled when he said that.

"ya id love to!! just let me get my purse and we can go k??"

"ya sounds good"

-XX-

"josh??? what are you doing here??? its midnight!!!" jen said after she opened her hotel door to see josh standing there with daisies.

"tonights our last night in hawaii" he said.

"ya so we should be sleeping because getting back to LA is gonna take forever"

"no.....we should be walking to the picnic i set up on the beach for us so that we can sleep on the plane" josh said. he took a purple daisy and put it in jen's hair. after that he gave her them.

jen smiled. "alright lead me to it"

they walked down to the beach holding hands. josh loved holding her hand. it made him feel so connected to her.

"oh my god josh this is awesome!!!!!" jen said when she saw joshs picnic.

they sat down and started to eat. jen looked up at the night sky. the moon was full and reflecting on the ocean.

"this is the most beautiful thing ive ever seen" she said. she was looking at the full moon.

"sure is" josh said. he was looking at jen.

-XX-

"so where are we gonna go????" asked jena. they were in joshs car.

"lou's" he said.

"whats that????"

"a club"

"oh fun"

on the drive there joshs phone started buzzing and didnt stop.

"sheesh!!! someone must really wanna talk to you!!!" jena joked.

"huh....weird" josh said.

when they got to the club josh checked his phone"

37 missed calls from Jennifer Lawrence and 37 new voicemails. his phone started buzzing again.

josh glared at his phone before turning it off. screw her josh thought.

josh went inside the club and saw that jena had already ordered them some drinks.

"just a few shots" she said. josh smiled. this was just what he needed to get his mind off jennifer shrader lawrence.

it got later and josh and jena got more drunk. they decided to go dance on the dance floor.

josh watched jena dance and realized how pretty she was. he never thought about jena like that before because he was too busy thinking about jen like that. he got close to her and started to dance with her.

"you are so gorgeous" he said. she laughed.

"your not do bad yourself handsome" she said.

josh leaned in and kiss jena. he pulled her waist closer to him and she put her hands around his neck.

"do you wanna come home with me???" josh asked.

"yeah but were gonna have to wait because were both to drunk to drive" she said. "lets see i called her like 20 minutes ago to come get us so.... oh there she is!!!!"

josh turned around to see who jena was talking about.

standing there was jen with tears on her cheeks. she looked at him and ran to the clubs bathroom.

"whats her deal....." jena laughed.

josh didnt care about jen anymore. he couldnt care about her. and besides what right does she have being hurt when she was the one who cheated on him?!?

josh smiled at jena and kissed her again.

with each second he kissed jena he could feel himself thinking less about jen.

this was just what he needed.

[yoongis-chubby-cheeks]

Heyyyyy how would bts react to you getting hurt while they’re on your and not telling them

sorry i havent done a reaction in a while lmao… this might be really bad since im out of practice, sorry for taking so damn long …

Namjoon:‘So call me tomorrow?’ Namjoon asked as you smiled at his face on your phone screen. You were video calling just before you went to bed, as you did most days when he was away on tour.‘Mm, it might be a bit later though and i dont want you staying up too late.’ You said fondly.‘No, I can stay awake to see you. Why will you be later?’ He tilted his head sleepily.‘I just have to go to the hospital for a check up on my leg-‘‘The hospital?!’ Namjoon suddenly looked completely awake. ‘What happened?’‘It’s nothing too serious,’ you shook your head. ‘It was just I tripped on the stairs and um, broke my leg.’‘And didn’t tell me?!’ His eyes were wide with concern. ‘Are you okay? Do you need me to come home?’‘No, babe, you know you couldn’t come home anyway. I’m fine, don’t worry about me.’Namjoon rubbed his temple as he sighed. ‘Ah, you stress me out babe, but if you say you’re okay then I’ll believe you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, tell me how the appointment goes?’You nodded, smiling widely. ‘I’ll let you know. Goodnight babe, I love youu.’Namjoon chuckled. ‘I love you too, sleep well.’

Seokjin:You hadn’t even told your boyfriend about your broken arm, and it wasn’t until you were facetiming the next day that he found out.‘Princess, what’s that on your arm?’ His face was pixelated and his voice laggy, but his worry was evident.You held up your arm, showing the cast on it with a sheepish look on your face. You saw his eyes go shocked, and the cogs turning in his head as he tried to figure out what happened. ‘I fell over in the bathroom..’ ‘Why-what-how come you didn’t say anything?’You shrugged. ‘I didn’t want you to get stressed over it. You kinda overreact whenever i get hu-‘‘Overreact?!’ Seokjin shook his head, an incredulous look on his face. ‘I ought to be coming home right now, what if you need help with something? What if you need to get to the hospital quickly?’‘Seokjinnie, dont be so worried. Everything is fine. F/N’s helping me out with stuff.’Seokjin narrowed his eyes. ‘You’re worse than our Namjoonie, even he hasn’t slipped and broke a-‘ He stopped speaking as soon as you pouted. ‘Ah, seriously.’ He chuckled.‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Seokjinnie.’ You said cutely with a wide smile. ‘I love you.’‘Goodnight princess.’ He sighed. ‘I love you more.’

Yoongi:‘facetime me?’ Yoongi’s text came onto your phone screen and you tutted, typing out a reply.‘I cant rn, im sorry :(‘ Your phone then ding-ed immediately.‘oh really? ;)’ You chuckled at your boyfriend’s dirty mind. ‘did someone get lonely..?’‘min yoongi, you are a dirty man. its nothing like what you’re thinking, theres just something on my face..’ ‘what? whyyyy, i dont care what you look like i just want to see my sweet baby and hear her voice~’ ‘sweet-talking wont help you XD if you call i wont pick up’ you replied quickly. Nevertheless, your phone began to ring and Yoongi’s contact popped up. You clicked decline immediately, and the ringing stopped, before it began to ring again… and again. Frustrated, you decided to pick it up to get him to shut up. ’I knew it would work.’ Yoongi smirked as his face came into view.‘You little shit.’ You laughed. You saw Yoongi’s expression go dark when you flipped the camera button to make it face you.‘What the hell is that? Did you fight someone? Who do i need to murder? How-‘‘Yoongi!’ You had to interrupt the bombardment of questions. “I literally dropped a box on my face, that’s why there’s a bruise. I was getting it down from a shelf.‘Ah, you little… you stress me out, Y/N.’ he exhaled loudly. ‘I hate you.’‘You love me.’ you teased. ‘Damnit, you’re right.’ Yoongi smiled back.

Hoseok:Hoseok was ravenously eating noodles when he picked up your call, but when he saw the cast covering your wrist, he almost choked.‘Angel! What happened to your wrist?! Do you need me to come and take care of you? Are you-’‘Babe, babe, slow down! It’s not that bad, I promise. I just kinda…’ you paused, fiddling with your sleeve. ‘It was really icy outside, and i tried to ice skate. Long story short, I fell over, as you might be able to tell.’Hoseok’s expression had turned from one of extreme concern to one of fond amusement. ‘I leave you alone for a week…’‘It wasn’t my fault, okay!’ You pretended to whine, but ended up laughing at your boyfriend’s expression.‘You tell yourself that.’ Hoseok grinned. ‘Have you eaten yet? I left some of your favourite in the freezer.’You smiled at his caring nature, but tilted your head. ‘Can i have some of your stash of-‘‘Absolutely not.’ he cut you off. ‘If I come home and even one of my snacks is missing, there is going to be hell to pay for you, missy.’You suddenly put on a pained expression. “Ah, I think my wrist-‘After a moment of worry, Hoseok sighed. ‘You’re a devil, but i still love you.’You beamed. ‘I love you too, Hobi.’

Jimin:You were having your daily conversation over text with your boyfriend Jimin who was away on tour.‘so, anything new princess??’‘not really, except from i sprained my ankle in the gym.’‘YOU WHAT’Immediately, your phone began to buzz, and you sighed, knowing how worked up Jimin was going to get about it. As soon as you clicked accept, your boyfriend’s voice blasted through your earphones.‘Baby what the hell why wouldnt you tell me?? How bad is it- oh my god, did it hurt? Do you need me? Literally on my way home now, dont even-‘‘JIMIN!’ He paused. ‘Babe, i only made a sound just then cause my volume was so damn loud and it hurt my ears. Im fine, i promise!’There was a silence as Jimin tried to evaluate your tone and figure out if you were being truthful. He must have decided you weren’t lying, and he sighed quietly in relief.‘I swear to god, one day you’re gonna give me a fricking heart attack.’You giggled softly, and from Jimin’s slow exhale of breathe you could tell that the sound of your laughter had put him at ease.‘Princess, won’t you tell me next time you hurt yourself? You know i’ll never be too busy to care, i love you alright?’‘Thank you Jiminie.’ You smiled, even though Jimin couldn’t see you. ‘I love you too.’

Taehyung:Taehyung’s icon popped up on your phone screen as it rang, and you grinned with excitement, knowing that this was going to be the last time you would call your boyfriend while he was away on tour, since he was returning the next day.‘Taehyungie!’‘Baby! How have you been today?’ Taehyung’s expression mirrored your own as you brought the phone up to your face. Suddenly, his eyes widened in shock, and you remembered the bruise on your cheek.‘I’m fine baby, and so happy to see you tomorrow!’‘What’s that bruise from?’ He tilted his head. ‘Not that I care about you or anything, i’m just wondering.’You scoffed. ‘Okay, don’t laugh at me.’ A teasing smile began to creep onto Taehyung’s face. ‘What did you do, was it really dramatic?’‘I fell out of bed.’ You interrupted him with a sigh. There was silence, then your boyfriend’s laughter was filling the room from your phone speaker. ‘You’re so mean.’ You complained, but Taehyung was too busy facepalming.‘You are an actual idiot. Try not to get any more injured tonight before i get home you dork.’‘You’re a bully, but a cute bully.’ You shook your head fondly. ‘I’ll see you soon.’

Jungkook:It was the day that your boyfriend was finally returning from a long time away at tour, and you couldn’t wait to finally hug him again. You might have a bit of trouble re-enacting the cheesy airport reunition scene though, since you had recently broke your foot after tripping in a dent in the road and you were on crutches. As soon as Jungkook emerged from the crowd of security and fans, his eyes shot open, no longer looking jetlagged. He rushed over to you and dropped his bag on the floor before engulfing you in a hug.‘Jungkookie!’ You grinned at him as he pulled away from you, but he still looked worried.‘What happened baby? Are you okay? How come you didn’t tell me?’ he questioned.You shook your head. ‘It’s nothing to worry about, I just kinda tripped and fell. It’s only a little break.’‘A break? You broke your leg and didn’t think to let me know?’ Jungkook seemed exasperated as he picked up his bag again and the two of you began to walk.‘I didn’t want to stress you Kookiee. I didn’t want you to get distracted, its not like im the main priority in your life-‘‘Um, one, what the fuck. Two, what the fuck? Yes you are.’ Jungkook reached over and booped your nose. ‘You always will be you idiot.’You smiled brightly. You had sure missed your boyfriends presence in your life.‘What are you smiling about? We still have to sit in the car for another hour back home.’‘I know.’ You looked over at him. ‘I’m just happy to have you back.’

-admin e (thank you all for sticking by me even when i havent been posting, you guys actually mean the world to me, i love you all so so so so so so so much)

[bts-is-my-life-as-always]

Bts reaction to you being suicidal. Jimin and V.

Warning:depressing and suicidal stuff.

Behind the reaction: you and bts’s relationship was revealed and the fans absolutely hate you guys, and you fall into depression.

(Credits to gif owners)

Jimin:

Jimin never imagined you without a smile, your face always lit up when he was near you, when he would hug you from the back and whisper sweet nothings and when he would just hold your hand for hours.

“Oppa, my hands are sweaty”

“I don’t care, can’t I just hold hands with the love of my life?”

“Your so much cringe”

This is how you would laugh With him, completely lost in your two worlds.

But lately it seemed like, that world was crumbling beneath you, like nothing mattered to the both of you anymore, in stead of I love you’s it was covered by silence.

“Y/N did you taste any of this? It’s gross”

“I did taste it, there’s nothing wrong with it”

He frowned clearly agitated.

“Well it’s not, it’s really gross, it tastes like metal”

“Well then don’t eat it, go get something else, or you can cook, it’s not that easy when your cooking for a picky eater”

You started to complain, now the only type of communication that the two of you had.

“Fine”

Not even 5 minuets later he was screaming from the kitchen.

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?! CANT YOU AT LEAST WASH THE DISHES PROPERLY?! WHAT DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO?!”

“Jimin keep it down, what’s your problem, I just forgot to wash them, I’ll wash them later”

“WELL YOUR LATERS NEVER COME, YOU ALWAYS SAY LATER, GOSH WHY ARE YOU SO LAZY? YOUR SO USELESS!”

This hurt you, and that was evident in your voice now.

“Well I’m sorry I’m so useless,”

“WHAT THE HELL THROWING SUCH SMART REMARKS ISN’T GOING TO HELP, CLEAN THIS UP”

You looked into his eyes, the usual warm and inviting ones replaced with a cold and harsh one, your own feelings too much to control, maybe his fans were right, you were useless, maybe he was only with you so you could do all the chores that he didn’t want to do.

With a clenching pain in your heart, you ran out the house, jimin noticing what he just said, instantly regretting as soon as he heard the door shut,

“Y/N! IM SORRY, STOP WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

You pressed the elevator door shut and went to the roof, this place used to make you feel special and happy, but now it only reminded you of how miserable you were.

Jimin thought to himself “where is she going, the roof? What’s she doing at the roof, come on elevator hurry”

The elevator being too slow, jimin started to run up the stairs, afraid of what your state of mind would end up doing.

You slowly stepped forwards, you stood on the edge, one wrong movement and you’d fall straight to your death, there was no way of survival, but they say, that falling to death, maybe the most peaceful ways to die.

You looked down, he wasn’t coming, you didn’t mean anything to him, as you inched closer, you felt two strong arms engulf you and pull you back down.

“HAVE YOU GONE INSANE? YOU COULD HAVE FALLEN TO YOUR DEATH!”

You started to chuckle, the kind of sound you make when you don’t know whether to be astonished or just completely gobsmacked

“Jimin are you that dense, that’s the point, no one comes up to the roof to live, usually they come up to die, and usually they do it in one go, Do you wanna know how many times I’ve been up here?”

“Don’t, please, I’m sorry, I’m rea..”

“I’ve been up here, more than you can count, I just want to be at peace, no longer this damaged, I just want to escape”

“No, no please, you said that I’m your escape, please don’t leave me”

“You were my escape, you know, maybe their right, maybe the fans were right, your only here because you pity me”

Jimin was desperate, it seemed like all the pain you were going through was completely masking his desperation,

“Maybe their all rig....”

He smashed his lips with yours, anything to get you to stop, anything to prove that he still cared and loved you, anything.

He let go of you,

“I’m sorry, it’s not true, none of it is true, I’m sorry, your the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me”

(I genuinely don’t know why this gif just made me cry, idk he looks so happy yet soo sad)

V:

You loved long train journeys, it was one of your favourite dates, Just riding the train to nowhere, the train was like a second home, somewhere where you and v could just enjoy each other’s company, maybe eat a few boiled eggs together.

This was the case until Just 2 weeks ago, when your relationship went public, the affection and love went sour, he no longer told you I love you, the kisses that he used to shower you with, no longer existed, it was instead replaced with frustrated sighs and sometimes annoyed remarks.

After a week, he just didn’t want to talk to you anymore, he didn’t come home, he “didn’t feel like talking to someone who couldn’t be mature about things”

He used to tell you how much he loved your childlike behaviours, he used to hug you and give you comfort, now he only made you feel like a burden and someone that was just extremely clingy, but you still went on train rides, it was long, and sad, and lonely.

Today was the day you thought, the day that you can finally let go of everything, you wrote a letter to tae and left it at your apartment, tae was extremely worried about you, he wanted to check up on you, so he used the excuse of I’m here for the hoodie, when he entered your apartment with a spare key you gave him, and he saw how silent it was, the letter on your desk was the first thing he noticed.

Dear tae,

If your reading this, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I left you, I know you’ll be disappointed in me, but forget me and please move on, I’ll be somewhere that makes me happy, please don’t blame yourself, please don’t feel like your at fault,

Love from Y/N.

He was scared, he felt like his heaven was crumbling, he ran out the house, not knowing if he was too late, or if he was on time to stop you, he wanted to find you and hug you, and kiss you and tell you how sorry he was, then he thought, the train station, today was one of the days that you would enjoy train rides together,

As soon as he arrived he saw you, standing on the edge, the train that was not stopping this time, ready to pass through way too fast

“Y/N” he ran towards you and pulled you into him,

“Tae? What are you doing here”

He was crying, screaming, throwing a damn fit

“HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU, HOW?”

“Tae...I....”

“NO, YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE, NOT WITHOUT ME, PROMISE ME, TELL ME, HUG ME, KISS ME, anything to prove that your still alive, that your still with me, because otherwise I don’t want to be here”

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge