#i just know when its enough but thats a gut feeling thats not my brain

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

whelp. apparently i just hit the end of the chapter and thats why!!!!!!! honestly this internal clock for chapter length is amazing. its always coming out to be roughly the same size

[pinazee]

Bounty Hunters!

I just find it so adorable when a kid has bright ass food stains on them. Its like the essence of childhood or something more poetic haha also, this might sound insane, but this is the first ep i could feel that shawn and gus had been friends since childhood. Possibly because they’re nearly wearing the exact same shirts and at the same steps so the parallel is a lot more obvious. Like it just clicked in my brain or something.

I just really liked this shot. That is all.

Shout out to James and Dulés’ stunt double

This is one of those times i don’t envy actors. This looks so uncomfortable. Also, i can’t decide if it’s naivety or arrogance that Shawn would think he could go into this bar and be okay?? I guess you can assume that Shawn knew Tancana would stop them before they caused any serious damage but that one guy was about to hit him with a chain, and its one thing to go into this on your own, its another to bring your friend with you.

A+ scene work from Corbin Bernsen here lol

This is what I do to get my dog to stop eating her toys. Doesn’t work with her either.

One of the few times Shawn kind of loses it with Gus and has to recollect himself haha. Like he’s been frustrated sure, but he usually applies some sort of manipulation. But i really like this scene because usually its Gus thats frustrated with Shawns behavior.

Sidenote: about the super sniffer. I don’t think its that he can smell things others can’t, because Shawn usually points it out and can recognize it, i think the super sniffer is that Gus can break the smell down and put a name to it. Like the gardenias in the perfume, the ginger blossoms in the kangaroo paste. Shawn just knows its kangaroo paste. Idk, i had to think about it at least haha

What a goof. But also, ive started watching Gus while shawns doing his breakdowns and he’s like miming beside him haha if i see it in a later ep i’ll gif it.

Its kind of insane that Bird hands over Tancana and this supposedly alleviates Juliets guilt? Like i get the line she says we all make mistakes as a way of saying Juliet’s forgiven herself, but um, she didn’t really do anything. I wish instead they would have had Shawn notify the cops where he’d be, have lassie ignore him per usual, but let juliet take off on her own (against orders) and save them from bird that way (possibly at the parking garage). This way we can see that she can still rely on her gut and it isn’t handed to her by shawn, kind of like the If You’re So Smart ep, when he solved her case and its somehow a win for her. Its still a sweet gesture that Shawn was cool semi-risking his life (and gus’s for that matter) so she can “save” them and get her good reputation back, even if it doesn’t quite make sense haha

The near kiss was perfection! I think a full kiss would have been too soon, particularly because Juliet was pretty vulnerable just then and it wouldn’t feel right. But the fact that it made juliet nervous enough to start dismantling her gun like she’d been doing all day- fantastic way to gain insight into to her mind and give us the audience hope that the ship would exist. She seems pretty conflicted about him (i think mainly because she doesn’t date coworkers?). I mean, from her perspective, she only know him as immature, irresponsible to a degree, who relentlessly flirts, BUT at the same time is incredibly kind and fun. I would have some hesitation too. Being kind and fun will only get you so far, in my book at least. I also need someone i can rely on to do the boring grown up stuff so im not solely responsible and Shawn just doesn’t come across as someone who can do that (yet). And not to spoil it, but in the bank robbery ep, we learn Juliet likes them mature.

okay. I don’t think this is going to be a popular opinion (just to prepare you mentally) cause i believe everyone loves this scene, and don’t get me wrong i love it too, i just think it doesn’t quite fit in the ep? Like i know shawn was flirty with jules the whole time, and he’s trying to impress her, but it was always jokey and they didn’t really have a solid heart to heart moment, and it pulls away from what Juliet was going through. I think if he’d consoled her a bit, let her know that a mistake is inevitable and assuming that she wouldn’t make any was setting her up to fail, that she was still the smartest, and bravest cop on the force and she should remember that the next time that voice in her head says differently, then he could maybe go for the kiss. Maybe. I think I would’ve preferred it if he’d just consoled her and she was the one who went to kiss him but changed her mind at the last second and thats how we get close talking. Because she wants to kiss him, but at the end of the day she’s pragmatic.

(I just want to quickly add that i by no means think i can write these better. This is just fun for me to put my own little spin on it. I also know other factors go into making a show (time, budget etc) so there are things writers wanted to include that would have improved their eps but said factors forced them to make changes. I don’t want these little opinionated changes i’d make to come across as mean spirited or arrogant. They’re more like responses to a writing prompt if that makes sense.)

[basilpaste]

Please please please elaborate on your bizzyboy relationship chart. Especially about the one Im obviously baised about. Please .

cracks my knuckles. on it buoss.

for the sake of i know my audience, i will in fact start with vibs stuff. obviously the fat crush on capo is. well it sure is! he is not subtle about this and will not ever attempt to be. how does capo feel in return? haha ! something for sure ! (mutual on some level but hes... capochin.) vib and ban are both creatives and they tend to butt heads a lot for that reason i think? he thinks al is a weird little freak (affectionate. maybe. probably.) and doesnt have a lot to say about gr just in general. p is his special little girl <3 but no genuinely theyre pals :} they gossip.

capo is friends with exactly no one. he feels positively towards al, hes got......... emotions. about vib. he doesnt have much to say in general about gr (a trend you will begin to notice emerging). and obviously he... isnt a fan of p. something about that kid hits just a little too close to home for him. ban. ban and him have some History in my brain. they were friends once. when was the last time capochin had a friend?

p doesnt actively dislike anyone. not even capo. she used to really admire capochin, even saying she dislikes him now feels too strong. its just... weird. she looks up to vib i think? theyre friends but theres also like. seeing an older queer and latching onto them. know how it goes. shes on decent terms with gr and despite everything genuinely likes al? p and ban are friends. this is because of one offhanded line ban says in the cove. they care about each other.

al feels. generally pretty positive about... basically everyone. hes the type to consider most people his friend, i think!!! hes chill like that. but he does genuinely hold a lot of admiration for capochin. he has a weird one-sided beef with ban that began for reasons even hes forgotten by now.

ban also partakes in the butting heads with vib. but he takes it... a little less seriously? vib is a hater (positive) hes just like that. and like i mentioned he has... a weird relationship with capo!!! its fine! dont worry about it. he gets along with al just fine. why is al so insistent that theyre enemies. hes genuinely pals with p!! shes his friend !!! and hes also genuinely pals with gr. bans trope savvy he knows the quiet one has more to em then meets the eye. (and he just likes the guy!!!!)

grs. not got a lot of super strong feelings. as far as anyone knows. he actually has many of these. he likes p okay enough and is fine with al even though he frustrates and overwhelms him a bit sometimes (loud.... mmessy). he looks up to capochin in a way most similar to how p does, i think? used to, at least. he hates vibs guts for reasons that only make sense to him. and he has a huge shitty crush on ban thats been going on for years now. he is convinced it is slowly killing him.

[prettiestboyreid]

fics that have altered my brain chemistry (eddies/joe qs version)

okay so ive been in an adhd brain rot?? where im just fucking HORRIBLE at reblogging fics that i enjoy and honestly it was my whole reasoning behind making this blog FOR GIVING WRITERS THE LOVE THEY DESERVE i just wanted to give a shoutout to these writers (and stories) they’ve made that just fucking messed with my brain (and in a good way okay??) over these last few months. please check them out and give them all the fucking love they deserve

like a poem (FINISHED series, but sometimes if you ask nice enough she will throw a blurb in there) - im so very fucking biased because i love her to the moon and back, but she writes the best fucking stories of joe that will keep you up all night having you rethinking all of your life choices. IT WAS VERY HARD FOR ME to pick out a story that i wanted to highlight in this post, but the whole reason i fell in love with her writing was because of bookstore!joe and he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. love you boo

plot: “Joe finds solace in a quaint bookstore, your bookstore, from a hectic situation in the streets. But, you’re closed. But then also, it’s Joseph Quinn.“ from the authors page

echoes (FINISHED, series) - again im so very fucking biased because she is the sweetest person you will have the pleasure of knowing BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT - she writes so fucking beautifully she will literally have you CRY and this will forever and always be my favourite fic of hers. she deserves all the love she gets, and then even more so read it!!!! (she will make you cry its not on me tho)

plot: “When she laid her emotions out for her best friend, the last thing she expected was for him to turn around, walk away and never speak to her again. Years after, they meet again - different people, different feelings. Or are they?” from the authors page

the hideout (FINISHED, oneshot)- this was one of the first fics i read and fell in love with. it was in that timeperiod where all i could do 24/7 was read eddie munson fanfics and this was one of those fics where i went “holy SHIT??” and honestly i dont think there will ever be a time where this isnt just some % on my mind??

plot: “Eddie Munson made it big. Now, when he returns to Hawkins for a hometown concert with his band, he is reminded of the girl he’s been in love with for the past 6 years when Steve Harrington calls.” from the authors page

vintage reeboks (FINISHED) - this is one of those fics where you’re like???? holy shit i wish i’d come up with that?? i remember reading all of this in one day (summertime, sweating very fucking much) and its just?? holy shit its perfect?? the way eddie is in this??? and its something i could never think of would be this perfect?? i swear i think of this fic at least once a day??

plot: “The gate at the bottom of Lover’s Lake was meant to spit the quartet out in the Upside Down. Steve, Nancy, and Robin were meant to be there. He wasn’t meant to be alone. But when Eddie comes to on the shoreline, you’re there. It’s not the Upside Down. It’s not Lover’s Lake. It’s not 1986.” from the authors page

twenty four hours (STILL GOING) - the way this has me in a chokehold?? im a fucking sucker for when fics have a nice layout??? and this is just so pretty to look at?? like whenever i see its been updated my whole body is SHAKING?? i dont even know what to say?? this is just so amazing and the whole?? will they wont they?? i love them?? i want them both to fight with me all night long??? i CANNOT wait to see where this ends

plot: “in which eddie munson and you absolutely hate each other's guts. what happens when your friends make a bet that you can't spend more than twenty four hours consecutively together?” from the authors page

to know you’re mine (FINISHED) - i saw someone talk about this in the “eddie munson x reader” tag, and DEVOURED the chapters that were up in one whole day?? the way eddie is so fucking soft and nice and the best fucking gentleman in this?? and also?? the relationship to steve in this is amazing??? but THE RELATIONSHIP TO EDDIE IS EVEN MORE AMAZING?? such a fucking fantastic author please go EAT all the chapters right now

plot: “You know the rules. You'd been there when your boyfriend, Steve Harrington, discussed them with the others. There are only two.Number one: Only play when everyone's together. Number two: No finishing inside each other's girls.You'd agreed to these rules, same as Chrissy. Same as Eddie.But then there's rule number three, and though it remains unspoken, it's by far the most important. And you have that feeling again, like when you propped yourself up against the barstool, straining to see him on that stage, craning for a glimpse as his husky voice reached inside you. Now, his dark eyes are doing the same thing: pulling at something buried deep, tugging it into the light where it can't be hidden. And, sure, of course, you didn't intend this. But what are intentions in the face of such things? Needless to say, every rule gets broken.” from the authors page

the customer’s always right (STILL GOING) - hehhehe im a hoe for cutie virgin eddie??? but they way she always manages to capture eddie in her fics?? fucking amazing??? and her writing??? yes PLEASE so do yourself a favor on this fine friday AND READ THIS AMAZING FUCKING SERIES because eddie will make you fall in love in this???

plot: “eddie munson is a virgin and doesn’t want anyone to know (because being an adult who’s never fucked anyone is a total reputation ruiner). but you, his favorite customer, are more than willing to change that.” from the authors page

sincerely yours... (STILL GOING) - like i’ve told her before - her eddie is fucking amazing and so very much to the point!! im so excited for this one and cannot WAIT to see where eddies teasing will make him end up!! the last fucking part of this??? amazing

plot: "Untouchable, is what he called you. Dating Jason, the captain of the basketball tea, most would call you the same. Living your holier than thour life, something else he said, you can’t seem to swallow the need to prove him wrong” from the authors page

burn one (FINISHED) - this is just the perfect fucking combination of smutty and sweet??? like this is just how i imagine eddie and this is so fucking sweet and perfect?? had me thinking about this for WEEKS UGH

plot: "When you move to Hawkins to start over, your new unexpected friendship with your weed dealer next door is your saving grace. It was never your intention to fall in love with him though.” from the authors page

Disjointed (STILL GOING) - this fic has me feeling ALL the feels in all the chapters?? makes me GIGGLE, makes me CRY!!!, i’m in love with all the chapters and i CANNOT WAIT to see them live happily every after

also now that i’ve finished, i’ve just realised this is a lovepoem to my favourite authors on this app heheheh im sorry but i DO love you guys. please do go and read their stories, and send them all the fucking love in the world!! they do have so many amazing stories on their masterlist you will not be able to sleep tonight!!!

authors mentioned in this post THAT YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT!!: @icallhimjoey @ghostinthebackofyourhead​ @inknopewetrust @storiesbyrhi​ @ghost-proofbaby​ @blue-mossbird @lovebugism​ @plumxwrites​ @loveshotzz​ @boomhauer

[himabyul]

Satan & Violins

I share a lot of similarities with Satan, even when before they canonized something about him; one of them being violinist!Satan😭 In spite of me having a mini identity crisis following the drop of his canon violinist card, i think it makes sense! heres why.

Disclaimer!

1. I have not picked up an instrument in years

2. This is purely bcuz my brain is so busy thinking abt Satan so its kinda rambly. . Pls bare w me T_T

3. THIS IS LONG IM SO SORRY

4. Not too used to tumblr writing just yet sorry if it's messy

(Uploaded on my twitter aswell :D)

The violin and its family, unlike other string instruments (ex. the guitar), doesnt have these little things (that i forgor the name of because im a bad musician) that separates every note. those little separating thingies are the reason why people who dont know shit about playing a key on guitar but memorize musical scales (me) is at least able to strum a simple one octave melody.

Obviously, the two come in with their one difficulty (i prefer the violin myself), but it's a little bit harder to pull that trick with the violin. As you can see, theres not exactly something to tell you where each note begins or where they end. Nothing to determine where is where. You simply have to memorize the placement and the distance between each note. You basically play the violin with Your Gut (1). We'll keep this in mind for now.

Moving on, let's talk about body posture.

Beginner violinist usually directlty face towards the strings when playing, as they aren't used to letting their 'gut' lead the show. However, more experienced players would find no need to do so. A quick glance at Satan's art could tell us he was at least above beginner level to be brave enough to face (us) instead.

When you're not facing your violin, you would usually lean your head towards it, resulting in your ear becoming the closest thing to it- here's a real life example:

Now, if there was anything my teacher warned me before starting violin, is that even without having your ear be the closest thing to it, the strings are already LOUD😭 so its even louder when you alr have ur ear on it. The violin is considered one of the most emotional instruments ever, their lower sound resemble what we use to express sadness in speech. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, you as a player are forced to feel what you're playing. Thus is also why you play the violin with Your Heart (2).

So, how does this tie into Satan? It's no secret that our handsome man is incredibly romantic, and to me if he ever wants to express something to us and making sure the message is clearly received, the equally emotional violin is his best bet! The violin allows Satan to play heartwrenching notes that would quickly be felt by the listener.

Lets get technical.

There's still another side of the violin, as there is another side to Satan. The way you stroke your bow matters, the way you angle it so you'll only hit the notes you want. (thankfully if you mess up, the violin is made to still sound graceful����). Satan too, is quite the detail oriented person. He is tactical, analytical, observant, a man obsessed with striving to be the perfect one, etc etc. The need of preciseness of the violin is definitely right up his alley. The way you need everything to be correct to be rewarded for a beautiful sound. Idk exactly where I'm going with this but it's basically intelligence meets emotion kinda thing, do you see it too?!?!

In conclusion, the violin is a wonderful instrument that both requires great attention to detail yet is also incredibly emotional and heartfelt, an instrument that requires your gut and heart guide your play without abandoning technique. Satan, the incredibly smart yet fluffy softie, is quite literally made for this and I LOVE HIM for that RAAAAAAHHHH. im normal.

THATS IT RLLY im soooo sorry if it's incredibly messy please have a sugarry picture <3 ily

[squarebracketsmileyface]

On a totally opposite end of the spectrum from the role swap-

Imagine if after the Promise chapter things flipped. If after that argument The Operator- out of pure animalistic type curiosity- said “ooh lemme stick my fingers in this sauce here” and left Alex alone to latch onto Jay. Its already discovered how it can push and twist and manipulate one person, but what about a completely separate person? Will the results be the same? Different? Will it be easier or harder?

So it latches onto Jay, and Alex experiences a flat out withdrawal from that thing’s influence, followed by the most gut wrenching clarity. Realizing how crazy he went, how he killed his friends to “save” them when it never would have mattered. So two weeks pass, and all he can think about is Jay- talking to him again and telling him everything, being honest and actually fucking admitting that he cares about him, that he wants to make good on his promise and do things right.

But Jay doesn’t answer. Jay is the one who drops off the planet and goes MIA, and Alex has a horrible, sinking suspicion he knows why. He hopes that Jay just finally got sick of him- he HOPES thats all it is- but deep down there’s this creeping suspicion that its not a coincidence. That he passed his own torment on to Jay like some twisted fucking disease-

He finds out he’s right, later on. When he starts working together with Tim(he’s desperate to find Jay, to fix things, even if that means groveling for Tim’s help-), when they start having run ins with Jay where he won’t see reason, where he argues every point they make and tries to convince Alex that everyone has to die, to help him(and wow, did he sound that crazy too? probably, yikes-)

And in the end Alex makes one last desperate attempt. He meets Jay somewhere alone, tries to convince him to come with him, tells him that he loves him-

But Jay doesn’t believe him. He tells Alex as much(“i love you but i can’t trust you- you said it yourself, why would you ever love somebody like me?”) and Alex wants to cry when Jay throws his own awful words back at him, things he never meant to say-

But what destroys him is when Jay takes the gun that he stole from Alex months ago, puts it to his own head and pulls the trigger with a bang right in front of him.

I’m in a dark mood today LMAO we die like tunnel guy

we die like tunnel guy lmaoooo

fucking THIS tho oh my god the ANGST

i literally have nothing else to add really, my brain saw this and turned into angst mush i fucking love this so much. Jay not believing Alex when he says he loves him fucking OW. This is literally fucking perfect. like, actually.

Everyone come look at this and be fucking destroyed by it because OW. it's especially sad because i'm thinking so much about Alex being the one feeling super hurt and stuff in his uni relationship with Jay, because im writing if it ain't broken at the moment. I am in the perfect mindset for just pouring over Jaylex angst with Alex being the one left feeling worst for it.

Honestly though, Alex finally seeing things fully, truly clearly and realising how terrifying and horrible it must have been for Jay to see him the way he was with the Operator in his head, all angry and not seeing sense and arguing every little thing.

withdrawal from the Operator tho, like, actual withdrawals from it could be so interesting. Like, how would that interact with Tim since he's been dealing with the operator since he was a kid presumably. is he fucked either way? like, if he doesnt take his meds he could get withdrawals from them, and if he doesn't take them for a while then goes back on them does he then get withdrawals from the Operator? Or is it different because the Operator isn't in his head the same way it's in Alex's? is just being near it enough? Like second hand smoke?

[rin-and-jade]

Im so happy to see you taking a break and I hope the break is very nice!

I understand there might be a delay in responses but thats okay, please take your time your health is more important !!

Be prepared for a huge wall of text so sorry in advance-

But, i have a few things im just itching to ask gahhh

Firstly, we originally believed we had little to no amnesia (believing osdd-1b) BUT since then we realised the amnesia is so much heavier than we realised, we figured bc we could recall general events and it was calm in a sense (we saw majority of the time when people experience amnesia its distressing and the loss of all memory) but, the memories are not memorying, so now we are assuming just DID, and that brings me to the second part...

fragments and subsystems, so, idk how valid this is (mostly bc my assumptions are based off vibes/gut instinct) but im fairly sure a subsystem occurred a few months back from a split where that alter just disappeared, which is unusual from what we have documented from the past 1.5 years (most splits the alter detaches from the stressor and those stressors mould a new alter to deal with it in a sense-) so from the recent odd split i believe a subsys was created as such? i have no clue except the vibes, in which it feels like a bunch of fragments in a sense? like i believe ive been fronting for months on my own for now, but there are some parts of my days where i just blank anything that happened, so im curious if there is-

and its not the only time as such where we have had this dreaded gut feeling there were more parts that might be dormant or even very separate, or even parts we dont even notice due to the nature of disorder being a whole lot of forgetting and the disorder pretending to not be the disorder and stuff ;-;

im so sorry for the huge rambles, if you have any advice or explanations or even resources i can read through to draw my own conclusions that would be so cool, bc as of right now im so scared to say this as i feel like im actually faking it for attention and theres no way i was traumatised enough for this and yadayada

tldr: should i trust my 'gut instincts' about system related information, or is my brain being silly?

I don't see the point on invalidating instincts, they're subconscious pattern detectors, so if you feel off, you bet it IS off. Though it's healthy to back it up with evidence preferably, and if there's no evidence yet, then you prowl like a predator in attempt to search for the truth scroll... cough--with a help from me whenever you need it, i mean im not going anywhere.

Also, you can check wether you have did or osdd by jotting down logs or patterns wether: you're memorying more or memorying less, the things you forgot, how often do you find yourself black/greying out, how distinct your personalities are, and wether you can easily remember other part's memories or able to grasp another facet of yourself (if you do not, or is really hard too, im sure this is 'did' from first impression)

--

Right, and for the advices, further explanations, or even resources are all answered by my previous edu posts where its compiled in the #jeducates tag,, i'd love you to just swim in it and process all my information like a sponge.. and come back the second time with more specific questions if you still need confirmation or assurances.

Let me know how it went, i'll be waiting for ya's update!

- c

[teddy-feathers]

so. i realized on the way home today that

a) i dont want to die. or i do but like thats definitely not me talking anymore thats the brain goblins. like id be sad to leave behind my friends. so as much as i say 'i wanna die' when im upset, and as much as that emotion is present i dont actually wanna die anymore. like. id be sad if i died just as much as id be relieved.

b) i never feel like enough because the only time im doing anything "right" is when im following a step by step guide laid out for me and i hate that its like playing a video game where the possibilities are pretty full but only playing a build someone else designed and then playing the rest of the game exactly how youre told to like do i need to be here for this?

c) i didnt take my pills this weekend or monday and Tuesday while i was sick or wednesday because i hadnt been taking them the previous days and despite having taken them the last two days i am emotional as fuck.

tuesday i went to a doctor and found out ive gained.... 10lbs in a month and im pretty close to breaking the 200 mark. which is because of my meds. so i need to contact my shrink and say "exercising and eating right aint uh working out for me the way i hoped can we try new meds"

because as much as i want to be chill about it it bothers me so much. like if it was all in my gut like itd be if i were on t id probably give less shits but where its at now its bothering me. and if i break the 200 make i know its going to be so much harder to come down from.

and new meds are scary because i know these ones work because i always know when i havent been taking them. i get the sads. new ones may not work and we'll have to adjust the dosage.

and if i tell my aunt shell throw a fit because how dare my shrink lower my dosage just because i called her and told her i was having a problem with how it was affecting me. and now she wants to put me on different meds? without doing a brain scan?

like frankly my dear i dont give a damn. this woman had done more for making me not dead in the last idk how long ive been seeing her to be honest then my aunt has since before 2012.

idk. im tired. and emotional.

[nishiriks]

‼️THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THIS SMAU AND THE TWO SPINOFFS (happy death day and dont shoot me)‼️

this smau is very dark so i HIGHLY suggest reading through the warnings. the spinoffs are slightly lighter themed however can still be triggering so AGAIN just to reiterate—READ THE WARNINGS!!

Sweet Like Candy

IM SORRY BUT THE WAY FELIX WAS DESCRIBED IN SLC WAS SO DISTURBING?? i genuinley felt so scared everytime i would read a scene with him 😭😭 BUT IN A GOOD WAY IF THAT MAKES SENSE!! no but guys he was so unsettling it was crazy 💀 had me pissing myself over this. bro i fr cried over jisung and felix cs wtf. felix did NOT have to die like that man,, then the open casket thing like do you want me to shoot myself?? cs girlie the gun is LOCKED AND LOADED. — all jokes aside the plot is very interesting and is something tou can easily get sucked into. it takes you through a rollercoaster of emotions but is defo worth it!!

Happy Death Day

now i will admit i was STILL terrified of felix but even so i chose to read this which added to the whole anxiousness of the plot for me!! —the description of of him in sweet like candy,, having lifeless eyes and him cornering us and being able to slip away without being noticed very much scared me!!— this one left me so anxious bcs i thought felix was gonna die 😭 when i saw jisung saying he better make it out alive. OUUUUUUU. i was about to start bawling💀 chan lowk pissed me off sometimes but i cld occasionally see his point ig. nana and gaon have my whole heart though 🥹🥹 MY BABIES!! AFHSHSHSG soojin or wtv her name was can go fuck herself bcs quite frankly she was embarrasing. i loved channies relationship and trust with/in felix tho!! that was so cute “lee yongbok, if i knew that week was the last time i’d see you, i would’ve thrown a party”

“if hiding is the best thing for him right now, then i respect that”

OH MY POOR HEART 🥹 — this whole triology was so well written i felt like i was going insane if i put it down for more than an hour at a time so i had to read all three in one sitting

Don’t Shoot Me

ok now this one is either your fav of the triology or your least fav — no inbetween. see personally it was my fav!! im a sucker for a good fluff and this was exactly what i needed to end the binge reading of angst, violence, death and more angst that i was going through!! as much as i loved the darkness of the story i will ALWAYS be a fluff girl at heart 🫶🫶

not to say the other two werent good!! but damn did they fuck up my brain. slc has left a LASTING imprint on me. LONG LASTING. at that. dont shoot me had the least interesting plot emotionally but with a series like this—it worked perfectly. it also was interesting enough that tou could read it as a stand-alone even without all the emotional plot. it was focused on jisung healing and becoming better which was so sweet,, i also loved to see that side of things where jisung has no idea why he is the way he is,, but is also aware that he ISNT normal and that something sets him and his ability to understand emotions aside from everyone else. it was so cute to see that girls gc although i did notice nayeon was missing!! -mayb she js didnt say anything at the time who knows 🤷🏾‍♀️-

my fav moment was defo the last chap where all the boys meet. it was so refreshing to see!! (jisung and hyune being bffs was mind boggling btw) plus,, chan defending hdd y/n was something i was NOT expecting!! and seeing hyunjin defend slc y/n made me laugh bcs i cldnt stop thinking about how they used to HATE each others guts 😭 jeongin was honestly such a cutie i love him sm! OH AND I LOVED WHEN JISUNG SAID “i know for a fact all i feel for guys is love” AWW YOU PREVIOUSLY-INSANE-BUT-RECOVERING LITTLE GUY!! cmere lemme kiss you!

anyways thats all from me,, all im saying is GET TO READING TS CS ITS GOOD!!

🍭 SWEET LIKE CANDY | hwang hyunjin smau

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader | enemies to lovers / strangers to lovers

genre: angst, mature, social media au, university au, anonymous au, a tiny bit of fluff and crack in between

warnings: contains vulgarity, extreme cussing, degradation, use of death as an insult, not a sweet fic, sexual/explicit themes but no detailed smut, sabotaging and blackmailing, extreme academic competetiveness, y/n and hyunjin both talk shit about each other’s college majors, mentions of drugs, illegal drug use, excessive partying, irresponsible drinking, drunk driving, criminal(??) acts, insults are h e a v y, bodyshaming (yk what, all kinds of shaming). syndicate undertones. death.

synopsis: long time rival hwang hyunjin has been the bane of your existence for as long as you can remember. thank god your secret anon textmate always has your back— sweet, caring, and good with words. definitely not like hwang at all.

a/n: y’know it was hard trying to come up with this “anonymous app” thing idea without naming names (bc i don’t wanna do that and also idk, i’m dumb) but basically the website/app that candy and y/n (her anon name is chocolate) is like a mix of deviantart and tumblr-ish. the idea started with it being kinda like omegle but then i ended up switching it up.

[FINISHED] DIRECTORY: (pink = written chapters)

ACT I— THE PLAYGROUND

prologue ~ 001 ~ 002 ~ 003 ~ 004 ~ 005 ~ 006 ~ 007 ~ 008 ~ 009 ~ 010 ~ 011 ~ 012 ~ 013 ~ 014 ~ 015 ~ 016 ~ 017 ~ 018 ~ 019 ~ 020 ~ 021 ~ 022 ~ 023 ~ 024 ~ 025 ~ 026 ~ 027 ~ 028 ~ 029 ~ 030

ACT II— THE WARZONE

031 ~ 032 ~ 033 ~ 034 ~ 035 ~ 036 ~ 037 ~ 038 ~ 039 ~ 040 ~ 041 ~ 042 ~ 043 ~ 044 ~ 045

ACT III— THE END

046 ~ 047 ~ 048 ~ 049 ~ 050 ~ 051 ~ 052 ~ 053 ~ 054 ~ 055 ~ 056 057 ~ 058 ~ 059 ~ 060 ~ 061 ~ 062 ~ 063 ~ 064 ~ 065 ~ 066 ~ 067 ~ 068 ~ 069 ~ 070

BONUSES

01 ~ 02 ~ 03

LOST HOOKS. SPIN-OFF/SEQUEL: HAPPY DEATH DAY (the story of lee felix) SECOND SPIN-OFF: DON'T SHOOT ME (the story of han jisung)

(mm/dd/year)

started: 10-11-2021

completed: 01-09-2022

mastertag: @geniejunn @leagreenly @90s-belladonna @fuzzylard @loveliebri @chimmybaek7 @todorokiskitten @lilacdreams-00 @starrylino @trials--error @ninjaleeknow

networks: @ficscafe

any feedback is greatly appreciated :,))))

[the-smiling-grinner]

hey uh dont read this 👍 TW vent

okay so basically everything has gone to shit. lets get a lil back story here

so ill be 17 soon (terrifying) and it will be almost 4 years sober of everything and i could not be more miserable. when i was 12 i abused perscription medication during the 2020 lockdown and in the process got into other things (cigs and alchol).

i dont really think that anyone understands how deep it goes. i mean think about it, a 12 yearold already suffering from halucinations, delusions and other things. on two kinds of anti psychotics, drinking, smoking and taking way to many pills. its pretty messed up.

my parents had never been the best but a brain tumour caused my mother to become abusive. i dont remember much of 2020-2021 bc i was either high, drunk, in a psychotic episode or sometimes all three. but i remember some things and the things i do remember are bad. it got so bad that i barely knew what was going on half the time.

safe to say my appearence was less than ideal. i wore a covid face mask constantly. even when you stopped having to at school. and i still wear it. simply bc i know people will make fun of me for it more than they already do if i take it off. as much as i want to stop wearing it, i know i cant.

my hair was dyed black and greasy, my achne was bad and my teeth were messed up. i was over weight, then under weight, then over weight again. i was hidious. evey photo taken of me, i looked through the camera. i had nothing left behind my eyes. i was so close to giving up entirely.

my mother had her brain tumour removed and my life was starting to take shape again. thats when she came in. she was beautiful in every way. i hated her but i loved her all the same. she caused me so much pain but it felt great.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. to date her. but i soon deacovered that she was not like she seemed. in many ways ill not describe. she ripped me appart, absolutly gutted me from the inside. i developed FND (look it up i cant be bothered explaining). my life was starting to go down hill again. i felt sick constantly. my halucinations were terrible and my mental state was even worse. i had sezures and headaches every day.

then we broke up. it was drawn out and long but to leave it all behind was freeing. i felt free for the first time in months. then she back stabbed me. i wont say what happend but this is the reason i can not trust people. my paranoia is through the roof. i constantly think about how everyone is conspiring against me and that they arent really my friends.

anyway. enough about her.

i am lonely and i fear that i will always feel this way. i have friends and a boyfriend yes but they also have friends. my halucinations icolate me. i behave agressively and erratically. nothing as bad as 2021 and 2020 but still bad.

i dont know what to do so i throw myself into school. its all i really do anymore. that and pretend i have friends. i sit at the kitchen bench and speak to no one. i have many friends there. i can act how i want and they like it. i have no one to talk to about this.

i try to talk to God but i feel bad burdening him with it like i am with everyone else. i dont feel good enough for God or any one for that matter.

im nothing like the pretty Christian girls on tiktok who look so pure and sweet. the look so kind. true women of God. i am not. i try to be but it never works out. i look scruffy, my hair is always messed up, i wear weird clothes, im rude, i cuss way too much and im just not a very nice person to be around.

i want to be tho. more than anything i want to be kind. i want to be good enough. and it doesnt even seem like im trying.

i really want cigs and alchaol. to medicate like i did all those years ago but i cant. sinning every day with small things is bad enough but those are worse.

i do my best in school and thats enough. it makes me feel like enough. im good at school. im good at it. im not good at many things but im good in school. i got dux in two subjects last year and finished top 10% of my grade. thats enough right?

every day i feel my sanity slowly slipping away. being replaced by paranoia and horrible halcinatoins. i tell myself that ill never get as bad as i was back then but deep down, i want it. bc this time, people would see it. they would know how bad it is and how my jokes are just a cry for help.

i have been put on more medication as of recently and im scaired. i dont know what it will do to me. will it kill me? will it make me put on weight? who knows. ive already had bulimia i dont need it again.

on top of this, im loosing my best friend. i can see how much they suffer. i can see how bad it is for them. they have made heaps of new friends recently and i am so happy for them but we so rarely talk now. when we do, its great. we used to see eachother every weekend, now we dont. i ask first to hang out and i feel bad, like im forcing them. i dont want to force them.

there was more i could have done for them that night. if it wasnt for those drugs. those fucking drugs. the dugs that i took to take me away from everything. to make me happy. but i wasnt happy. i was insane. i was deranged. surely anyone who looked at me could see it. that night i ripped out 4 teeth. one of them was an adult tooth. a mf adult tooth. i tore out a tooth. i was 13 by then.

i have to make my parents happy and when i dont i feel bad. i want to make my dad happy and go to his house but i hate that house. i want to make my mum happy but it always ends in an argument. i want to make my friends happy but i cant and if they can find friends to make them happy. then thats okay.

i just dont know anymore. everything is so blury. the paranoia is imence. i hate it. anyway. hope no one actually reads this.

there is SO much more but this is all for now

[duhhhhimstypidyall-blog]

Spiraling (Vent/Brain Dump)

TW: mental breakdown, spiraling, ranting, ect.

 !PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD HEADSPACE!

The concept of time is really fucked when you are experiencing severe dissociation episodes. My entire life I’ve lacked a general awarness of time and don’t seem to have a reliable internal clock like some others. Everything I experience seems to be in polar extremes. Time either moves so painfully slow that it seems like a day will never end or so fast that it seems like I blink and a week has passed. It is even more complicated when it seems to have both characteristics simultaneously even though from a logical stand point it should not be possible. I’m assuming that is why it is so hard for me to comprehend. When I was a kid, all the super exciting things in life always sped by while undesireable experiences seemed to slow everything down. Now it has nothing to do with the surrounding circumstances. Each day I live makes less and less sense to me. The funny thing is every once and a while I will go a few weeks or maybe even a month without giving this whole ordeal a single thought, but it always creeps back in and its been getting alarmingly worse upon each return. Throw sleep deprivation, an eating disorder, and isolation into the mix and I am left with an ugly cocktail of a spiraling psychotic breakdown. One thing people always have to say to someone in a rough mental health patch is that you will get through this and move past it. Although I am not necesarily disagreeing with this statement, it is not giving me any sort of hope, which I am assuming is supposed to be the outcome of the statement. It does not provide hope because even though I always somehow get out of these episodes, I never remember them once thier over. That also means being in it right now, I don’t have a known way of getting out of it because I don’t remember what I did last time to get out. I am not sure that made much sense but thats besides the point. It is so strange to be in this state. I am here enough to know that I am not here which is ironic because again, that contradicts itself. I would compare it as sort of going on autopilot, I am reluctantly getting out of my desk chair and going to work but I could not tell you any of the conversations that I had or even what events from the shifts were on which particular day of the week. I am just all around delirous and checked the fuck out. I am starting to get frustrated again with feeling stuck in a loop with no progress being made and it feels pointless. I know I have so much more to say but I keep zoning out and staring at what I know are my fingers on the keyboard but they sure do not seem entirely connected to me right now. They just look slightly off, its that feeling you get when you see the pictures of those liminal spaces and factually there is nothing immediatly concerning about the photos but you get this gut feeling that there is something off behind the scenes. I must have punched my car again at some point recently because I have nasty bruises on my hand again. If I am being honest I haven’t slept in 2 days and I cannot remember the last time I ate. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye that are most likely not even there and hearing shit I can assume is not real either. I just wish I did not have to go through this alone. I am a complete looser and a failure, I am in my early 20′s and have NO friends, I live by myself and am only close with my sister out of the family who is unfortunately 3 hours away from me. We are in contact daily over the phone and on social media due to our shared interests but it is not the same as having someone physically in your presence to bring you back down to earth a little bit. I really need a fucking hug, I am so touch starved that if someone were to genuinely embrace me I just know I would immediately burst into tears and hyperventilate through my violent sobbing. I know I am supposed to deserve to be loved and have friends but its hard to believe that when I have nothing to prove otherwise. If I deserved friendship and love wouldn’t I have it? Some of the nastiest and cruel people in the world are allowed those luxuries so why the fuck am I the one that gets it taken away from me. I don’t have anyone to tell my jokes too. I have nobody to play video games with. I have nobody to share my newest plot ideas with. I just want to share the human experience with at least one other person like the rest of the world gets to. It is not fair. I have not done anything in my life that would constitute a punishment as cruel as this. Recently I have been listening to the song Karma by AJR and I feel like it really captures the way I feel about the whole thing. Especially the line, “the universe works in mysterious ways but I’m starting to think it ain’t working for me”. It confuses me because in an abstract way the human experience is following the rules laid out by the universe and in turn recieving either good or bad things based on your compliance. It just seems like I am being expected to follow an entirely different set of rules and rewards but I have no idea what they are and noone will tell me what they are. I come to the universe asking questions because it is just the way that things are supposed to be and thats just how it works, but for some reason I am met with notions of “well not for you though” with no further explainations. What am I doing this for? I do not belong in this timeline, I feel like I got misplaced on accident and that this is not the lifetime that I am supposed to be navigating but I am trapped here until the end of humanity.  

[ace-of-gay]

Im gonna respond to all of these

I prefer writing oneshots

I get a quick general idea written down like very simple stuff like "bucky and reader go on adventures" and big detail i want make sure are in it but thats it

Mines honestly not that interesting or special, i just take a little while to think and then i word splurge, its the exact same way i write poetry it just happens

All over the place, music, my favorite scenes in books/ movies, things i desire, and most certainly from my weird daydreaming episodes

I love constructive criticism as long as theres no hate included

I do not have it beta'd, i just read it six times and put it into word to make sure i catch as many mishaps as possible

I only write in one type of pov because thats how i brain splurge, other pov's take alot more time

I prefer the middle, it always has the most fill to it

Sometimes i comment but im still utterly shy and anxious when commenting

Number ten is absolute gibberish to me... (im on mobile so its confusing to me)

Of my own? Meh probably happiness greed because its my experience written in partial poetry ... of someone elses? Delicate edges!

I love receiving it but it doesn't bother me if i dont get any feedback, ijust want others to be happy

If you have a word pop up im your mind at any time of the day and you don'tknow what it means, look it up, ive expanded my vocabulary by simply asking my phone to define words

I definitely draw from personal experience and like to put my mind in that state for a moment and figure out how i would act

I dont write nsfw stuff although I do occasionally read it if the writing style is encapsulating to me

Like 20 ideas... mmmm tony x reader, stealing his sunglasses so he makes you your own

I just avoid writing when i struggle with it, why hurt my mind with something i enjoy ya-know?

I title mine afterwards, i honestly just take the general idea and put it into words i xant describe it any other way

I dont read or write on ao3 but if i did it would probably be " gut-wrenching fluff "

I love the idea of fluff and cuddles... i crave attention but hate having it in real life so i write storied that give me the attention i crave and share it with others who crave that attention (:

Absolutely i would, i think i already have with one of my friends kinda, i just dont remember what fic it was

I dont write smut

Splurge!! Thow ideas down and when one won't leave your mind think about it as much as you can

To stop writing, genuinely the only thing i can remember

Back when i wrote on fanfic.net i had one that was around 5000 words and it was so full of emotions, sadly its gone now and i didn't write the way i do now so its not saved to any of my devices but it never got much attention

I honestly don't know but in the idea of my personal experience im gonna say happiness greed

I hate the writing it down part, i love the splurge of ideas and seeing that people enjoyed my writing

Uuuh maybe like a sentence here or there on my off days but on good days around 1000 words or more

Read ove it six times, put it into word fix the grammer mistakes add my warnins and stuff and than its good to go

9.5 /10 times i wait unless i know its not deep enough to complete in full

Uhhh both, honestly it mixes together and i dunno i get the ideas at the same time

Skip... cause i forget everyones names and i love everyones writing so so much!!

I hope to publish my poetry someday so technically yes

Probably still writing poetry, hopefully writing a book

They still think how everyone else does their experiences in life are just skewed, trauma can do some crazy things

I have absolutely no idea

I also have no idea

Isnt that what the asks are? Like free commissions? I already do lol

Uuuh i cant find any currently lol

Probably a hug with any charcter from any of my extra fluffy fics

I reread fics all the time, i have links to my favorites saved in my phone

I dont remember currently

I like reading whump in moderation im not sure my feelings on writing it but im not against it

Just silly spelling errors

Sometimes yes to one Sometimes yes to the other

Fluff with trauma

Six times in my notes app and once in word

No one betas my work

On my agere fics people get upset sometimes but i deleate the occasional hate comment, cant bother me when im in a stable mindset on something but that doesn't mean i wont protect others minds in my comments

Like 3000+ words if its even still on here

I dont use a03

I respond to comments as often as possible so people know ive seen what they've said and that they know i appreciate them

70% reader 30%writer

Thinking to myself, in the show/ movie they would never do said thing, but this is my version so of course they would

I love writing for bucky and loki in a way that feels like theyre healing their trauma

Smilies and new words! I love expanding my vocabulary

Editing small things as i write and anything i missed i fix after

Does posting count? Cause one its done im happy

So technically yes and no, so my family knows i write stories but not fanfictions, my best friend knows lol

Yes!!! And they said they love my writing style and agjfkrek it made me giddy with excitement

I like putting my ideas places

Completed series yessss, incomplete with cluff hangers i fear im gonna forget to come back

Orbs... globes, ... just say eyes

I dunno honestly

I look forward to finishing up on the asks that are sitting in my ask box!

I kinda just dont, with my migraines my schedules are basically unpredictable

I like both but im more consistent with independent works

Read, listen to music, watch movies, daydream

Luckily none of them honestly

Enthusiastic because i have more than just fanfics if they want to see

In my head, things in my head are in filing cabinets, jts strange

It all depends honestly

I have no idea, my writing is generic to me

The poetic parts, my poetry is written i. A very specific way

N/A

Yes, person with oral fixation (desire to chew on things and put non edible items in ones mouth) loki scolds their new puppy for chewing things and person starts to try to not chew on things, i was gonna write it but forgot to finish it now it just sits in my drafts

Any of the self indulgent ones

Get to know your fic writer!

Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Do you like constructive criticism?

Do you have your work beta'd? How important is this to your process?

How do you choose which POV to write from?

Do you prefer the beginning, middle, or end of a story?

Do you comment on stories you read?

Cltr+f "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up

Link your three favorite fics right now

how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

How do you write smut scenes? Do you get very visual or detailed? How important is it to be realistic?

How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

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Best writing advice for other writers?

Worst writing advice anyone ever gave you?

What fic do you wish you got more of a response on?

Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

On average, how much writing do you get done in a day?

What’s your revision or editing process like?

Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished?

Do you start with the characters or the plot when writing?

Name three of your favorite fanfic writers.

Do you want to be published some day?

Five years from now, where do you see yourself as a writer?

What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain? 

How do you write kissing scenes?

How do you choose where to end a chapter?

Would you ever write commissions?

Share a snippet from a WIP

If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person?

What mistakes do you keep making no matter how many times your beta corrects you?

Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

What do you look for in a beta?

Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?

How long is your longest fic?

What’s your total AO3 word count?

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

Do you prefer editing as you write, or waiting until it’s finished? 

What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

Does anyone in your personal life know you write fic? if not, would you tell anyone?

Have you had a writer you admire comment on your fic? What was that like?

Why do you continue writing fics?

Thoughts on cliffhangers?

Something you hate to see in smut.

Something you love to see in smut.

Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

How do you deal with writing pressure (ie. pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc.)?

Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

What work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

What order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

What scene in [Fanfic Name] took the longest to write? What was difficult about it? 

Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Fanfic Name]? 

Do you have a favorite scene you’ve written from [Fanfic Name] story/chapter? 

[lost-little-fawn]

there really is something different about my suffering

something special and secret, sacred, something 

about it being mine. something about how 

thoroughly ive pored over these memories like scripture. 

i know every line, and wrinkle, and pore, and hair, and atom, cell 

just like the back of his hands around my throat, my fingers pressing hard

into the sinew n vein, eyes searching his for empathy, making sure he'll

stop this time, making sure his wolf smile is kind enough to give me mercy 

i am a sacrifice and i feel my veins carry the ache, feel the transit

my skin slices itself open on the film negatives as the flashbacks

press plum bruise fingerprints into my shoulders as they shake me.

knives slice the world into wedges and the pain bleeds through.

silence carries his voice. my own touch feels like his fingers. i want

to place myself on an altar. i want to offer myself to something more holy than me

than the bent halo that blinds me when i look thru my eyelashes. 

i did love him, maybe,

but was that my fault?

havent i loved everyone who hurt me? 

havent i placed the same knife that gutted me into the hands of my hunter, 

every single time?

isnt every single thing that ever happened to me my own crime to repent?

this is my purpose, this is my worship. 

i do not deserve softness, i wanted it to hurt. i wanted it to kill me. 

except

thats what he whispered into my ear as i slept, injected into my brain matter

thats what he pavloved, that's what i learned thru the breaking 

he tossed parts of me aside that i havent seen since, i watched them die. 

the puzzle of me is missing the corners, bent and warped. the robotics 

are so deeply ingrained i cannot deny them. his voice is more familiar 

to me than my own. inherently, he won. my life holds more stains of him than my 

months old laundry. he still lives in my mattress. he still reaches for me in my sleep. 

the love i felt for him was service. kneeling, outstretched, my skin taunt, 

set in only after it got so bad i ceased being human and started being meat, 

started dotting my i's with my own arteries, cut my tongue out, spoke no evil, 

shed my skin and molted, renamed, desecrated, rebuilt. 

his teeth sunken into my bones, my eyes downturned, my mouth sewn shut. 

butterfly heart, watching the strings that controlled him for sudden movement, 

so high strung i walked a tightrope n he walked securely on the ground, 

my throat screamed as i begged god for sleep each night, lying next to him

as his breaths, even and whole, unbothered, watched over me, 

a nervous, flighty hope in the moments that he almost was kind. 

when we half laughed for just a moment, when his hand lightened its grip and

something soft was draped over his claws and he held me, in that 

shipwreck bed, in that cavernous hole, in the sheets that held my screams. 

i loved him like a burning house and everything i owned burned with it

i loved him with my everything, with more than i had, i put myself into debt

i loved him like the barrel of a gun

i loved him like a becoming, like a monsoon, like a cold, uninhabited need, 

because that's how he built me. i was pinocchio, i was unfinished, fragmentary, 

so wasted, so braindead, an empty shell, a ripe home for him to nest. 

i do not know how to remodel myself into a home i can inhabit 

when my rooms can only ever fit the shape of someone so much bigger than me. 

[giacomettislament]

not quite sure how the reqs work, but maybe lilia/rook/trey with a corruption kink and a pretty innocent, sweet s/o (dacryphilia if thats something youre comfortable with!)

walking woman i

“i need to see that heart.”

trey. rook. lilia. 

content warning(s): explicit content, dubcon

—He’s a good guy. He really is. That’s what you like to tell yourself when Trey looms over you, appearing more possessed than he does rational, enraptured with the tears that streak down your face in guilty streams. Both of you have never seen each other like this. You, disheveled and unsure of everything around you, and Trey, callous and cruel for once in his life.

He wipes at your tears with a thumb, and the mocking smile on his face tells you everything. “Shhhh… Sugar plum, why are you crying? Are you scared? It’s just me. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Just him? That was who you were afraid of. Everything about this was scary, new, foreign, and here he was, lapping up every flicker of shame in your face as if he couldn’t get enough of your embarrassment. You were so naïve, to trust him this wholeheartedly, and now, he was ripping you apart piece by piece.

His hands fall to your knees, slowly prying them apart. You hiccup to yourself. Your core flares with heat, but your brain screams otherwise. But when his fingers start to trace around your drooling sex, teasing your sensitive parts, and devouring every moment of your fall from grace, you can’t bring yourself to push him away.

“You’ll be okay,” he whispers. “I’m going to take good care of you. All you need to do is relax. I know everything is scary right now, but if you’re good, I promise that everything will make sense eventually. You want to make me feel good too, right?”

You hate how childish you feel with him cooing at you like this. But you only nod, unable to spit out any words to push him away. Maybe this is your punishment for your cowardice, your ignorance, and what else can you do other than to repent?

“That’s my sweetheart,” Trey laughs darkly. “So pure… So sweet… I can’t wait to break you.”

—”Mon amour, don’t look away.”

Your core burns, but you don’t hate it. It feels good—it feels so good—to be pinned underneath Rook while he ravishes you. As much as pleasure shreds your body, you can’t help but feel less like a partner and more like a toy for Rook to play with. He kisses your face and smoothes down your body, murmuring to himself about how beautiful and untainted you were.

“Oui… Oui, just like that, mon ange,” he grunts out. Your tight hole pulses and squeezes around him, milking his thick dick. His cock feels like it’s ramming against your stomach, and you swallow back another wave of tears. It feels so weird, like your body is being split in two, but you can’t seem to get enough.

You’ve never felt like this before. You never knew your body was capable of doing this, of taking someone’s cock in such a lewd way, of feeling so much lust for someone who was doing this to you.

The heat that pools in your gut begs for more of Rook’s cock, for your virginal hole to spread apart and stretched out by his girthy member. Great Seven, it feels weird but so good, and you want more, more, more until you could barely think and succumb to this newfound sin.

“Enjoying yourself, are we? Now you know what pleasure truly feels like… Ah, that innocence of yours is such a treat! And to think I was the one to steal it from you,” the huntsman breathes. “You’re the same as me now… A creature of toil and lowliness, a fallen angel to bless my body…”

He thrusts upwards into you, hitting you at a new angle. The electric pleasure that forces its way through you nearly makes you scream, and your toes curl into the sheets as you writhe to no avail under his heavy body. He chuckles to himself, holding you even closer to his chest.

“I’m going to take you again and again, mon amour. I’ll rid that body of yours from any purity it has, until you can barely even face yourself…”

—Your voice catches in your throat when Lilia pumps his fingers in and out of you, and he hums in a satisfied tone when you throw your head back and squeal out for him. Your vision had already started going blurry around the edges a long time ago, and with Lilia forcing orgasm after orgasm out of you with nothing but his fingers alone, your body felt numb and limp. Lilia draws his fingers from you, and you grunt at how empty you feel without him stuffing himself into you in some way.

“How does it feel? Look at you,” Lilia sighs. He sounds like he’s pitying you, and he laps at his fingers seductively. “I wonder what everyone at Night Raven College would think if they saw you like this. The pure, shining beacon of happiness, with their legs spread like this? Or even better, if they saw me fucking you out on my fingers. They’d be scandalized at how dirty you are, wouldn’t they?”

You whimpered, hating yourself for the way your walls twist at the thought. Just thinking about all your friends, all the people who looked up to you and respect you, watching you as you’d cum shamelessly all over the fae’s hands. What would become of your respectability then? Your purity? Your radiance?

The fae who snatched it from you giggled happily. His fingers tiptoed up your legs, tracing your sensitive skin and observing the way your chest rose and fall as you came back down from your blown-out high back to earth where Lilia was waiting.

“You like that, don’t you? I’ll make sure to invite everyone next time,” he mocks cruelly. “Or even better! I’ll fuck you in the middle of one of your classes. I’ll fuck you out on my cock, stuff that hole of yours with my cum, and leave you there for everyone to stare at you. That’d be fun!”

You shake your head weakly, unable to muster up your voice. Lilia smiles at you gently, and he squeezes your hips. He presses his cold lips to your forehead, shushing you quietly.

“Don’t be dishonest with me. I know what you like, more than you’re willing to admit. Why cling to your pride now? I’ve tainted you. I’ve tainted you with these very hands,” he whispers, cradling you as if he would a newborn animal. “It’ll only be a matter of time until everyone else knows too.”

x

[catenation]

reblogging this over on my Designated Fic Sideblog so that nobody can say tjey Didnt sign up for a whole essay. im gleefully rubbing my hands together im so glad you understand the worms in my brain about all these concepts

nobody else survives the raid, and it sucks exactly as much as youd expect 👍not just because of the trauma either, but how greeds response to it is to basically shove everything behind bars and stay in Boss Mode for bidos sake as well as his own state of mind, and, this is not really helping bido actually because now he feels pressured to Also keep things under wraps and neither of them are talking about it and its agonizing. yaaaay

(although to be fair the angst factor wasnt the only reason i didnt rescue more of the gang. i think keeping greed and bido as "sole survivors" gives them an extra measure of similarity with scar, albeit on a much smaller scale, and it allows for more intimate connections in their newly formed group than if there were more people with established relationships. Also i have so many characters to juggle. already.)

re: the disability thing! viewing chimeras through a disability lens is super interesting to me especially as you mentioned, with the whole divide between those who are more visually chimerified vs those who arent. in terms of real world discrimination parallels i think its the angle that works most directly since being a chimera isnt something youre born into, its something that Happens to you– and just like disabling injuries or illnesses, there are chimeras who wear their "scars" (!!!) with pride, those who view them as neutrally as their non-chimera bodies, and then those who cant see them as anything other than a constant reminder of a traumatizing event

and scar of course falls very squarely in the latter camp. i think because of that, his gut feelings on chimeras are like. pity, revulsion, projecting his own suicidality onto them..... hes a very empathetic person and thats working against him in this case, because he sees somebody who underwent the same kind of trauma as himself and he gets into a spiral about it. i dont think hed go so far as to straight up kill another human chimera like he did with nina, and i also dont think hes consciously thinking of them in a disparaging way either. just that he sees them and he Feels It and hes so sorry that they still have to be alive. & somebody should probably let him know thats a little fucked up. fortunately bido can self advocate

it does indeed take some wrangling to get them to team up and greed being there is the main obstacle because of course he is. scar recognizes the ouroboros from when lust and gluttony beat his ass in the sewers, and greed maybe isnt Outwardly threatening but hes still weird and offputting. so they all need to save each others lives a few times before it really sticks lol

its so funny that you ask about the mei philosophers stone thing, because the main factor driving the xingese ascendancy sideplot is. due to their varying standards of "immortality", greed telling mei hes not immortal makes her think he isnt a solution to her quest. and he in turn fails to mention the stone. therefore she Doesnt immediately drop everything and bring him back to xing. leaving ling free to realize theres a whole homunculus wandering around in the company of his rival, and he needs to Grab! That!! Stone!!! before she figures out she has it

that subplot has been one of my favorite parts to plan out honestly...... ling tends to get pretty egregiously flanderized by the fandom (perchance the #1 winners of the international "you fell for the façade the character is putting up on purpose" awards), and i really enjoy the idea of giving his ruthless pragmatism a chance to shine through. while also of course never letting the audience forget that He Is 15 Years Old

like, here we have a kid who is under impossible pressure, and facing ridiculously slim odds, and yet is skilled and determined enough that he keeps getting barely close enough to taste victory. and then it slips out of his reach again. if a stone HADNT fallen into his lap i think he absolutely would have kept pulling out all the stops to get his hands on one, and given that lanfan already cut off her own arm for him, well..... sunk cost fallacys a hell of a drug

(✨️🎰✨️ 99% of heirs leave amestris right before they hit it big, keep making terrible sacrifices ✨️🎰✨️)

the stone mei winds up bringing back is one of kimblees, the one made from the souls of marcohs team. i feel like thats the only ethical option lmao

SCAR EPILOGUE MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL AND I AM CLAWING AT THE WALLS ABOUT HOW FAR DOWN THE LINE IT IS. i want to write it NOW..... i know i Could just do it out of order but its a little treat for me waiting at the end yknow. some extra motivation

interestingly, if im remembering correctly it was actually father who taught alchemy to amestris, vs hohenheim who got dug out of that sand dune right outside xerxes and yoinked back to xing. he and father dont seem to have met since then, so the implication i took away was that current alkahestric practices are likely more similar to how xerxes did alchemy, in contrast to how father set up his whole apparatus and taught alchemy in a way that would benefit his purposes

in that sense amestrian alchemy is canonically a perverted version of the original practice– maybe because of that, allowing for the learning of alkahestry/his brothers brand of alchemy Would be a compromise scar could agree to someday

the greed and bido side of thingsssss..... i could ramble about them All Day but most endgame things i still want to keep as my fun little secrets. i CAN at least say that im giving them happy endings, because the sad ones already exist. theyve suffered enough. although i am making them suffer more before they get there so maybe tjats hypocritical of me

one of the main things that im keeping in mind is like. the idea of "home" is something that mei, scar, greed and bido all sort of circle around in different orbits. because you have mei with her home under threat of destruction, trying to prevent it, and then scar greed and bido with their homes already destroyed and wanting to help her because of that. scar having essentially sworn off making anywhere new his home, because theres no replacing what he lost and he cant risk losing anything else. and then greed and bido having lost multiple homes before, and now that theyre adrift again theyre trying to ignore how this latest time theyd both convinced themselves it could be permanent

so. im kind of handing them multiple different options over the course of the thing. greeds old houses, bidos long-lost family, the town of wisteria from the light novels, meis clan in xing, the ruins of the nest. where is their next home going to be. how long will it last. What Is Home Even, how do you keep the danger away. and im hoping i can effectively build up to the conclusion that under oppression, theres no wall you can put up or border you can draw that will magically keep the powers that be from affecting you. every home is a prison until youre free. and who knows if im going to be able to do a theme like that justice, but im armed with 2 rewatches of black sails and a dream in my heart

Also. i decided that in order to have the gang go to briggs for the scars-brothers-journal fetch quest, greed and bido will have to cuddle for warmth the entire time. which is surely a completely practical decision on my part with zero ulterior motivation

god this took so long to write out that the sun is literally setting. thank you so much for your thoughts they fuel me

feasting on all the fantastic au/oc discussion that happens to share several commonalities with my own Scar As A Major Protagonist AU (that i swear im working on very slowly. i just have the curse of perfectionism and i keep going back and reworking things when i should be WRITING,) and its making me want to share my ideas too....

the general starting premise is that instead of getting abducted by bradley, greed manages to escape the raid on the devils nest with bido, and then via a series of dominos the two of them wind up teaming up with mei and then scar shortly thereafter

the entire idea kind of spun out of thinking about how scar would react to actually getting to know a human chimera. his pity for nina– similar to how he seems to view al– is such a goldmine for character exploration to me, because hes gotta be projecting right

like despite the obvious differences in their respective situations, from scars pov he might as well be just as inhuman as nina is, except HE isnt Allowed to die yet because he has a Duty to fulfill. which is both the last thread of self preservation hes grasping at and also a thing he hates himself for doing. its this big tangled up knot of religious guilt and survivors guilt and internalized ableism and the fact that he cant blame his brother for saving him so instead he makes a monster out of himself. and i think if he had the chance to come to terms with a chimera as still being human in all the ways that matter, and talking about those complicated body-humanity-autonomy feelings with someone who gets it on some level, maybe it could help him start to rebuild his sense of personhood

and. just generally. i think if he had more people to hang out with on the regular than Snitchy McLandlord, Self-Flagellant Genocide Collaborator, and One Literal Child. He might maybe perhaps have had better self esteem by the time the moral-superiority-in-incrementalism lecture hall power hour rolled around.

i too am killing kimblee early. scar unfortunately doesnt get to him, but he does get shot, impaled, and finally fall down a big hole and die, which i think is almost as good

scar DOES get to kill envy though. because roy "im mad you killed this one guy i liked. genocide what genocide" mustang doing it was just not as deep a plot point as people think it was. the fight with wrath was good, but i think itd be interesting to end his vengeance quest more somberly- not facing an equally-matched opponent, but putting down a pathetic, weak, spiteful thing that refuses to grow or change

uhhh what else. oh right. mei also takes the throne here, since ling never gets the stone (despite his continued efforts. his character arc is shaped like that of a pendulum. im making him worse) and i think with her at the helm, amestris would have way less leverage in any post-canon negotiations with ishval

Sure of course your super huge and powerful neighbor will help reestablish the cross-desert railroad and enrich your failing economy..... IF and ONLY IF you adhere to ALL the stipulations put forth by the ishvalan leadership council ^_^ the gun im holding? dont worry about it

im giving him so many cats when everythings said and done, however to his consternation hes doomed to wind up a beloved pillar of the community instead of just some guy who gets to hang out with cats. theres a renewed independence movement to organize & also a burgeoning faction of people who argue that because scar uses alchemy and hes cool, maybe god is cool with alchemy some of the time, like as long as youre responsible, to which scar is at the forefront of every debate desperately telling them I Am An Outlier Adn Should Not Have Been Counted

Hell yeah, more AU goodness! 🤩 Trust me, not only do I understand your pain in being caught in a perfectionism loop, but you'll get no judgment from me about taking your time with it too.

Super ecstatic that you decided to share what you've got cooking, so let's go:

Starting off with Greed and Bido is very on brand 😌 Glad he escapes getting liquified and drunken by his core self. I assume that some other members of the Devil's Nest crew survive as well? Or are they all slaughtered, same as in canon? If it's just the two of them left, then man, that's gonna hurt (and the angst~). Maybe we get a revelation that some survived later on?

I dig that Bido and Greed bump into Mei first. I wonder how fresh her arrival in Amestris must be before bumbling into an entire wayward homunculus and human-chimera. Meeting Scar after that would seem so normal in comparison lol

Oh- Oh! Omg wait, that's a fantastic angle to explore. That really taps into his self-hatred in such a unique way that I never thought about before! Alchemy is already a heresy for him that which he cannot separate from himself due to his brother's arm being the sacrifice that saved his life. Yet why wouldn't he see the sanctity of his own body as having been marred by this grave taboo to the point that he hardly sees it as truly human? If he can use this tainted gift to exact vengeance against everyone who tore Ishval to shreds, than even his unholy, "desecrated" body can be put to use. But the way this lashes out against both himself and others who don't want to die simply because someone/the state forcibly transmuted them with other living beings- damn, that's juicy

No seriously, this fuckin' rules! Using the chimera angle to really crack open the darkest pit inside of him, and how Scar's one vestige of purpose is what keeps him from succumbing to his self-flagellating dehumanization. I love that you're looking at this via survivor's guilt, the conundrums of his piety, and even the ableism imbedded in the assumptions on what constitutes a "worthy" body.

On the latter point: I'm curious to see if I understand the every facet of the ableism angle. Is it that chimerification can be seen as a disability brought on by alchemical experimentation (which I can definitely see) in contrast to Scar seeing it as an irrevocable perversion and assault on the human form, thus (in his mind) dooming the victim to be fully inhuman and in need of euthanization? Because again, I can see this as a loaded assumption on a "proper human body" vs a "destroyed, unworthy body", but I feel like I could be missing other potential readings here 🤔 It feels like it's that plus more. Hmmm

Yes, Bido (and maybe some other chimeras?) gets to help Scar navigate the messy bodily-autonomy-humanity Gordian Knot. Surely that has to unravel slowly (it's less Gordian than it may seem lol), since I imagine Scar's initial reaction to Bido must be a... heightened, perhaps pejorative one. To me I would imagine it to be quite dehumanizing (if not outright threatening) towards the poor lizard chimera man. :( Not that Greed would let anything happen to him, but then again Greed revealing himself to be a homunculus would also have to throw Scar for a loop too. We all know Greed can't shut his yap about being one, if he thinks he'll get a rise from someone who can even grasp what that is. Shame he maybe doesn't have Roa around to sledgehammer his entire cranium to smithereens. Unless? (Either that or I imagine that, given potential misgivings, Scar attempts to disintegrate Greed's head and gets the revelation of his homunculus nature right there and then.)

Wait, now I'm just recalling how cold Scar had been upon first meeting Mei when she was chilling with Yoki in canon. (I don't blame him, I'd also ask that bumbling mustachioed twat why the hell there's a random kid hiding out with them.) But now this tween shows up with a homunculus AND a chimera? Dude must have wanted to walk into the ocean lol

LMFAOOOOO STOPPP the way you described the canon party Scar had to travel with 😭😭😭 And the fucking "moral-superiority-in-incrementalism lecture hall power hour" PLEASE

Though tbh yeah, he needed some other folks to bounce off of who weren't former state actors, and, much as Mei is an absolute treasure, some adult company who also don't see him as a monster or a threat (to the extent Yoki and Marcoh do) would be very good for him. This is assuming that he and Bido are on solid terms sooner rather than later, but if Scar still struggles with being around chimeras for some time than maybe it would only be Greed who doesn't shrink in Scar's presence (besides the best kid ever, Mei, who never feared or distrusted him 😌).

Oh man, Mei might not realize that she's become travel buddies with a walking philosopher's stone. :0 Or does she immediately grasp that homunculi hold a stone within their bodies?

A standing ovation is needed for the death you're serving that pompous fascist Kimblee, and then an encore for good measure too. Stupendous, magnificent, and fully deserved. 10/10 The big hole at the end really cements his fate as comedic poetry, really. Scar may not get that personal catharsis, but he should get a front row seat to enjoy the carnage all the same. (Not suggesting that Scar has to be in the scene, just imagining him getting a theatre all to himself with the murder playing on loop while he snacks on some popcorn.)

Scar killing Envy is an intriguing change. Fully agreed that Mustang setting Envy ablaze wasn't that deep, and frankly a pretty lousy scene too. And yeah, Scar getting to fight and kill Wrath in canon was surprisingly good, but given Envy's hand in exploiting the tension of the occupied Ishvalans to jumpstart their genocide, it feels far more relevant to have Scar put them down than fucking Mustang. Envy's writhing pathetic self contrasted to Scar's typically quiet, self-contained demeanour- of course this is coming off of the canon again. However that fight or scene shakes out in your AU may or may not have Scar in that same emotional state.

Ling being denied the stone and what that does to his character isn't explored enough (bless these AUs). "im making him worse" ough that's enticing. Does Ling spiral? Does the worst in him begin to claw through the surface as he more desperately vies for whatever stone is in reach? His position as a moral paragon crumbling as he flails for the seat of power he desires, with his greed looking less and less admirable would be *chef's kiss*

Which makes me realize that the stone that propels Mei into the head of the Xingese empire wouldn't be Greed's stone, right? Perhaps it's Envy's?

But yesssss, Mei leveraging her new power to force Amestris to adhere to the Ishvalan council's demands! No need to worry about the gun, since it's symbolic of the sheer economic devastation that would sweep Amestris if they refuse Ishval whatsoever. :3c

The last bullet point-!!!

Scar gets to have his DOZENS of cats, and and he gets to be LOVED and RESPECTED, he's a- *sniffs* he's a PILLAR of his COMMUNITY- *breaks down into a sobbing fit*

But yes! The Ishvalan Independence Movement is underway and it needs him! He wouldn't let his people down at such an integral point in Ishval's history and future. And I'm goin nuts over the fact that some people are beginning to see alchemy with some renewed nuance, much to the chagrin of Scar, as he sits central to this shift in perspective. Despite what he's seen of Ishvalan alchemy and Xingese alkehestry (fuck Amestrian alchemy, no I don't care that all alchemic practices stem from Hohenheim and Xerxes stfu it's cultural drift goddammit) Scar still being adamant in the teachings he's followed all his life is very in-character. But I can see that slowly eroding and making way for some greater peace with his own brandishing of alchemy alongside his greater acceptance of his body and where his soul sits in Ishvala's eyes. 🥹 And all the cats. All the damn cats he could ever nurture and cuddle!

Ugh I love this AU too! I know you wanted to give me the Scar-centric details, but I'm big time curious about Greed and Bido's side of things. Where this journey takes them, what they have to contend with and what they lose and gain in the process, and what becomes of them. Does Greed get to live on even with the decimation of Father and the other homunculi? Do they rebuild the Devil's Nest? Can Bido live comfortably and openly as a chimera the way the four chimera-men do, or is he destined to continue living in society's underbelly due to not having been 'designed' (so to speak) to shift between a fully human morphology and his animal-infused morphology?

Many many apologies for the time it took to reply. U_U I loved going over the details you've layed out and I can't wait to one day read it 👀 The day this fic starts getting posted I'll be there!

[familyagrestefanblog]

Theory for “Gabriel Agreste”

Saying that I'm EXCITED for this episode is an understatement, I'm THRILLED! So let me give you my speculation for what could happen in it and how it’ll affect the future, because pieces are literally just falling into place in my brain and I just have to write this down.

The episode is called" Gabriel agreste" because in this episode Gabriel will create a (long time) Sentimonster for himself that'll take his place and cover for him in his civilian life while he himself gets completely swallowed by his Hawkmoth/ShadowMoth identity (which is a direct paralell to the fate Marinette just escaped by telling Alya her secret). He doesn't want to "waste" anymore unnecessary time by having to NOT be Hawkmoth, which then completely separates him from Adrien who very much was one of the last (if not THE LAST at this point) few strings that kept him grounded in his humanity.

The episode takes place right before the middle of the season and since it's season 4 we are talking about here its fair to assume that both Adrien and Gabriel are back at (at least) suspecting each other to be Chat Noir and Hawkmoth again at some point. Adrien is going to be even more rebellious after the status quo break and set up of "Lies" so him maybe (or maybe even confirmed already to Gabriel) to be Chat Noir could definitely be the factor that sets Gabriel over the edge, rips these two apart for good (as I foresaw in my analysis of "Jackady") and brings Gabriel to distance himself altogether while covering his own identity from his son by creating a Sentimonster (bc Adriens secret being discovered by his evil family is already forshadowed to hell and back, just like him ending up getting Homeschooled again this season, mark my words)

---

"Queen Banana" is supposed to take place right before "Gabriel Agreste" and we have a leak where it's seen that Adrien is now kinda taking on Nathalies role since she is (supposedly) still bed ridden.

Seriously, just humour me here and stay with me. This would mean that Adrien would get to see and interact with his father much more often and Gabriel wouldn't be able to ditch everything and turn into Hawkmoth as easily as he was able to with Nathalie.

A cover up Sentimonster was actually already kinda forshadowed in "Party Crasher"

by introducing HoloGabe with the intention of providing Gabriel with alibis and to attend meetings etc for him in the future so Gabriel can invest more time into being Hawkmoth. But a Hologramm is not suitable for every occasion, which is where the Sentimonster comes into play.

At first Adrien wouldn't notice much off about his father and the few things he notices Adrien actually doesnt mind. If SentiGabe is really supposed to replace Gabriel as... Well, Gabriel, that also means as a FATHER and my money is on SentiGabe being created to be a better father than the original. SentiGabe does everything Adrien wanted his father to do in s1-s3: Join Adrien at dinner time, spend more time with him, is in general in better of a mood and not such an unpleasant dick and so on and so on.

Easy to say, Adrien basically welcomes the good change he always wanted in his "Father" with open arms and chooses to ignore things that seem suspicious and the always remaining gut feeling of something just being... off. This will collide with the unveiling of more of the family (+ Emilie) mystery which will for Adrien all continue to point at Gabriel as Hawkmoth because of one event that is likely to happen in episode 4.

I'm currently writing on yet another post about this topic in particular, so I will link it HERE for elaboration once I post it, but in short, I think Rena Rouge and the Grimoire secrets Marinette shears with Alya could be the catalyst of Adrien suspecting his father to be Hawkmoth again.

Adriens memories of the time he went through the Grimoire himself in "Volpina" would be triggered again after seing the Grimoire page Rena (honestly, quite recklessly) brings along into battle and from then on things will slowly pile up until Gabriel deflects from himself with SentiGabe in "Gabriel Agreste" (just like he did in “The Collector”)

People WAY to easily forget how ready and serious Adrien was in "The Collector" when he actually concidered his father to be Hawkmoth.

Keep in mind that Ladybug was only able to tell Chat Noir the weakest reasons of her suspicion against Gabriel (while the Grimoire being Guardian property was NEVER found out by Adrien... til NOW) that being Gabriels mysterious personality and the butterfly logo of his brand.

These arguments are weak because they are ONLY actually suspicious in the specific context of Gabriel being Hawkmoth. Once you have proof against that they hardly hold any ground anymore, hence why both Adrien AND Marinette so easily brushed off these points after seeing Gabriel akumatized. I mean, excuse a designer for choosing a BUTTERFLY as his logo when his last name is literally the name of a butterfly type. The fuck kind of accusation is that??

So I hope you understand that when I say that, yes, these reasons DID trigger further memories/realizations for Adrien in that moment

It simply was only the tip of the iceberg.

The fact that Adrien not only gave Ladybug the fucking benefit of a doubt and heared her out about accusing his FATHER of being HAWKMOTH and took it THAT seriously and wanted to find out if his father truly IS Hawkmoth means that Adrien very much sees his father as capable of being Paris villain Nr 1. This... understanding and acceptance of Gabriels nature already had to be in Adrien much prior to "the collector" to set it off like this. And while normally Adrien chooses to turn a blind eye towards his fathers bad qualities in favor of seeing Gabriels redeeming (and even the rare somewhat GOOD) qualities, Adrien only does so because he thinks Gabriel hasn't crossed the line yet that makes his father undeserving of these loving conciderations. But Gabriel being Hawkmoth IS CROSSING that line for Adrien and he immediately sets aside his remaining/choosen love for his heavily flawed father and willingly sees Gabriel for what he is.

Adrien already did it once with only a few somewhat solid reasons and the Grimoire being kept secret from him altogether,

So he will do it again, just this time the proofs and developments are supposed to stay for good.

---

This development would not only be forshadowed by "the collector"

But also by the episode "Ladybug". There Mayura used a Sentimonster version of Ladybug against Chat Noir, using their love against him. What she didn't know though was that Ladybug actually isn't in love with her partner (yet) which ended up with Chat Noir being put in the situation of having to decide which Ladybug he believes to be real.

Does he believe and hold onto Sentibug who returns the love he so desperately seeks in life or does he let go of his hopeful wish and accept the heartbreaking reality of once again not receiving his love in return from yet another person he holds so dear?

In "Ladybug" Adrien couldn't make that crushing decision yet (and don't clown in the replies about this, not only was the situation vastly different it's also a cruel thing to ask of Adrien) but as we are used from Miraculous by now, that episode was only the set up for future events.

What Adrien couldn't let himself believe about Ladybug and Sentibug he will have to FORCE himself to accept about his Father and Hawkmoth. Same set-up of the Sentimonster symbolising Adriens desperate and hopeful WISH what his loved one were vs the crushing, heart wrenching reality of what his loved ones actually ARE. Just that letting go of his wish for Ladybugs love didnt seem "necessary enough" for the mission to succeed so he just couldn't MAKE himself give her up whereas accepting and seeing that his father is Hawkmoth is going to be one of the most crucial sacrifices of the show, changing the game forever. So as horrible, cruel and soul shattering as this is, putting an end to his fathers villainous reign for the sake of the greater good is a reason worthy enough to force himself through his pain.Which brings us once again back to “The collector” (which seriously forshadows almost everything I love that episode), because there is ONE major aspect that episodes sets up like crazy

And that is:

And thats where we are heading now.

This entire time Adrien wanted his Father to behave more fatherly, spend more time with him and improve his explosive behavior but he always got disappointed over and over again. So how heartbreaking would it be if over the course of the second half of the season THIS would be the very reason why Adrien gets behind Gabriels secret? Because SentiGabe behaved too fatherly for Adrien to truly buy it in his heart and when forced to decide what he actually believes his father to be - like the fatherly Sentimonster or the villainous Hawkmoth - Adrien has to and WILL recognize and accept his fathers true nature and turn against him, as it has been set up for a LONG time now.

This season shit’s about to go DOWN!